#and then listen to froot's cover of it because my god it is GOOD

[hazzzyrider]

i think it would be really cool to have someone do the sun killer solo from spiritbox and growl it into my brain while they had their mouth down my throat

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #102

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily (haven't missed one yet!) and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please like and reblog if you enjoy - the notes keep me going!

Reggie barged in unannounced as Clint sat on the couch with his laptop, drafting an email.

“Clint! Clint! You’re not gonna believe this!”

“What?”

“They’re back!” He dumped a grocery bag onto the coffee table, forming a mountain of snacks.

“Oh my God,” Clint said, sorting through the pile. He pulled out a flat, rigid package. “Cereal Straws! I always loved these!”

“And Oreo Cakesters! Remember them?”

“Yeah, weren’t they banned for being full of trans fat?”

“I think so, yeah,” he took a large bite of one. “But I’m pretty sure they just use palm oil now.”

“Nice!” Clint crunched into a Froot Loop Straw. “This takes me back, man. Even the way it coats the roof of my mouth in some kinda wax.”

“For real, dude. Classic.”

Clint searched the pile again. “Hey, weren’t there any of the Apple Jacks ones? Those were my favorite.”

“Sorry, I didn’t see any.”

“The Cocoa Krispies ones weren’t even that good. Why’d they bring back those instead of the Apple Jacks ones?”

Reggie shrugged.

Clint leaned back and pondered. “You know what I wish they’d bring back? Yogos. Remember those?”

“Aw, hell yeah! Those were the best! My mom used to put them in my lunch every day back in Elementary school. But you know what was even better?”

“What?”

“Chocodiles.”

“Never heard of ‘em.”

“You - what?!? Bro, you missed out! Okay, listen, basically it’s a Twinkie, right? But they cover it in chocolate.”

“So?”

“It stays moist, man! The chocolate holds in all the moisture so it doesn’t get stale!”

“Don’t Twinkies last forever?”

“That’s a myth. They start going stale right out of the factory. But Chocodiles don’t. They were goddamn magic. I’d kill for one right now.”

“So… they’re like, your chocolate-covered white whale, huh?”

“Pretty much.”

“I get it. Life hasn’t been the same for me since Altoids Sours were discontinued.”

“Now that I think about it, though…” Reggie stared off into the distance. “There was one snack that really had an impact on me.”

“What was it?”

“Goldfish-flavored Goldfish.”

“You mean… the original flavor? The plain ones? They still make those.”

“No. Goldfish-flavored. They tasted like goldfish. Like the pet, the actual fish.”

Clint grimaced and squinted at Reggie. “You’re fucking with me, right?”any

“No. No, I definitely had them. My mom got them for me after my goldfish died. She said we had to mail him to the Pepperidge Farm upstate so they could turn him into crackers. So he could live forever inside me.”

Clint muttered under his breath. “What the fuck…”

“The crackers came in a package shaped like a coffin. But it was made out of paper, and it had that foil on the inside - you know the foil, right? On the inside of a bag of Goldfish?”

Clint nodded, his eyes wide.

“I opened the package and the first thing I remember was the smell. That smell will stick with me for the rest of my days. It’s almost like walking into a fish market, or a sushi restaurant, but with something else mixed in. Maybe the flour, or the riboflavin…”

“Death?” Clint asked.

“Maybe. Anyway… I ate the whole package, then and there. It took me an hour. My mom wouldn’t let me have water, because she said it might wake him up inside my belly if I drank it. And we couldn’t wake him up before he was all together in my stomach. So I kept eating the crackers.”

“Dude…”

“I began to feel ill halfway through. I wanted to stop, to give up. I thought I might vomit. But then, my goldfish would have been gone forever. Trapped in the void between life and death, wedged between worlds, somewhere in the space between. I started hallucinating - the crackers swam in front of me like I was swimming in a fish tank myself. I realized I was smiling, and the snacks smiled back.”

Clint held his stomach. He too felt ill.

“Tears rolled down my face as I chomped down on each and every last cracker. That was the last of him. My goldfish was gone. He would be part of me forever. Forever, Clint! Have you any idea how long that is to go without something?!?”

“What do you mean?”

“For long years, I have hungered for it! For that missing essence, that exotic flavor I only ever tasted in those Goldfish-flavored Goldfish! I need it! If you think that flavor was death…? Then I must taste death!”

“You - y- you’re scaring me, man!” Clint wedged himself in the corner of the couch. He’d never been this terrified.

Reggie shook his head and grinned, chuckling as tears formed in his eyes. “Don’t be scared, Clint.” He pulled out his pocket knife. “You’ll like it at the Pepperidge Farm.”

[fuckyourdumbassusername]

I have been listening to music for days looking for that perfect type of song. I want something with bass like dubstep or EDM but vocals like Deathcore. But even then I want a specific TYPE of heavy vocal.

Like Jinjer in Picies during the heavier part. Celldweller adjacent is the best I can describe it as. Also my Discover Weekly and Release Radar are very weighted toward electronic dance or Pop and aren’t helping. Also where’s my Jazz? But like the upbeat swing kind not the “good background for a nap” jazz? Also where is the funk? I know I haven’t been using my Spotify much but it’s depressing that my DJ thinks “well here’s what’s popular on Spotify” is what I want. Like NO. Give me the shit that some small band with 1,000 followers put out so I can get obsessed with the way the guitarist plucks that one chord or the dissonance in the singers voice or the way the drummer switches up the beat or the sudden funky twist in the bass line before the last verse. Give me the weird shit no one has heard. Give me the bedroom DJ and the strange band who only sings about drinking in taverns or being vampires and commit to the bit. Give me the music the normies go “wait what is this?” Give me the music so unique that it stands out from the rest. The world is full of 2-3 minute “I went to the bar and saw a girl” pop songs but how often do you come across a song about the experience of struggling with our mental illness (The Method by Nobodi or more popularly Saddy Daddio by Artimus Wolz). Or the 5 minute song. Just that. Why is all music becoming so short and yet sometimes even 2 minutes is to long for what’s in the song and yet there are 5 minute songs I wish would continue for another 5 minutes? I want to live in the sound for longer and yet it leaves me too soon. Some bands have songs longer than the average live show set and I could listen to it for twice the runtime but other songs I skip as soon as the last verse ends because it has nothing more to give me. Why isn’t there an entire section just for the “this album cover has an anime girl but this shit will slap so hard that is anyone tries to comment on it in a rude way you can just be like but listen to it and watch as this person has to admit it slaps”. Like are you telling me you can listen to Moonlight Sonatra by OBKATIEKAT and not feel like you should have just witnessed some sort of main character becoming the villain scene? Or Hope You Used to Feel by Zetsubou P and Hatsune Miku and not feel like the that 2:13-2:34 playing on repeat at 2 am? Or The Lich’s Nocturne (Froot’s Theme) by RichaadEB and not want to listen to it again? Like you can listen to that epic guitar once and live the rest of your life never listening to it again??? Or Bad Apple by RichaadEB and Cristina Vee and not feel seen by the lyrics? What about Morning Walk by Noah Rosen, Lofitic and Patiotic Records? You can’t feel yourself sitting in a coffee shop listening to this while you watch the rain? It doesn’t just calm you? Follow it with A Surreal World by Noah Rosen, Lofitic and Patiotic Records and I swear you’ll start smelling the imaginary coffee shop. Then there’s (Don’t Fear) The Reaper by Nightshade, Satin Puppets and Lyndsi Austin that lives rent free in my head with the main singer background singer just barely overlapping.

There’s also Ghost Data. Just the whole artist. Queen of Knives with its beat and the understated eee-EEE-eee vocals. Not mentioning the 2:30 build to a slow down to a 2:40 build? Who remains normal after hearing that? Or Magical Girls with its more classic sounding beat and that buzz and then the vocals! The robotic effect on the vocals sell the song for me. Become God returns to the epic beat simple vocals but adds spoken even more robotic lines from time to time that make it a great combination of the other two songs.

Then listen to Lucy by Levi Doron and tell me that beat doesn’t make your heart beat dance or your feet want to move? Or Jenova by Dunderpatrullen and Meganeko and tell me your brain didn’t conjure some Halloween like scenes or some cinematic of your own imagination? What about Tenebrous by Essenger? Can you be normal after hearing the drums in that song and listening to the lyrics?

Arguably this next one doesn’t fit the category but I’m mentioning it anyway Obsolete by DEADLIFE and Scandroid. The lyrics and build of the music make the brain happy but the album art isn’t really an anime girl but more an anime android of sorts.

I spent so long looking for one specific album cover and couldn’t find it but went on an adventure through my music to find as many examples as I could. Strange to see how normie my music taste used to be and how my playlists used to just be whole album after whole album and have some sort of rhyme or reason and now it’s just one 31 hour whiplash list. If there’s anyone who can listen to all the above anime girl art songs I suggested and not click on the next album they see with an anime girl album art just out of curiosity I don’t understand you. I always have to take a look even if I don’t listen to any I just have to see what the album is made up of. My brain won’t let me just scroll by or ignore it. This post started as me looking for a specific type of music and turned into a hyper fixation on a specific type of album art so for anyone who read it I hope I helped you find at least one song to enjoy.

[tirednotflirting]

does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes?

baby’s first au whaaaaaat? 

special thank you to @clumsyclifford​ for linking the prompt list i got this idea from! this was the prompt (it was a whole slew of celebrity AUs: “wait, you’re supposed to be DEAD and i just recognized you at the grocery store, turns out you just didn’t want to be a celebrity anymore” au. bella is also writing one from this list and it’s one of my most favorite lashton things i have ever read, highly recommend, 10/10, i could yell about hello, hello for ages omg

also here is the ao3 link if that’s your preferred way to read :)  

There are few things that bring Luke as much joy as his Friday night (well, Saturday morning, really) grocery trips.

He had started working the night shift at the nurses’ desk at the children’s hospital about a year prior after graduating. He had found the job through the friend of a friend of a friend who was a nurse herself and mentioned the job needed filling fast. Luke had never really considered the idea of a night job but ultimately the work wasn’t all too bad. He made coffee every couple of hours (he made an effort to never let the pot empty which got him lots of smiles from the nurses) and every once in awhile Lina, the 6 year old cancer patient whose room was just around the corner from the brightly colored desk, would wander out to ask him to check for monsters under her bed and to be tucked back in. It was pretty simple (and heartwarming) work.

However, staying up through the night for 5 nights a week made it damn near impossible to be awake during the day on his weekends off. Luckily enough for Luke, he had friends like Michael who tended to play video games all night despite working through the day (he stopped questioning how he managed it a long time ago) and his favorite grocery store was a 24 hour location.

The first time Luke had come to do his shop at around 2am, he had felt a little spooked by the parking lot and eerie silence in between Top 40 songs that played over the intercom in the store. But he soon grew to find the general atmosphere pretty calming and he made friends with the nighttime stocker (a guy named Calum who also never saw himself doing nighttime work but here they were) and it became something he really looked forward to on his Saturday (very early) mornings.

He arrives at the store just a bit after 1am. He just finished ‘a late breakfast’ (he still always finds himself giggling at the concept of eating meals at opposite points in the day as everyone else despite the obvious logic to the schedule) and has a list tucked into the pocket of his sweats. It’s a little chilly out so he grabs the first sweater he sees on the backseat - a blue cardigan - since he knows they also keep the store pretty cool in the night to make sure everybody stays awake through their shift.

As he grabs one of the smaller carts as he heads into the store, he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulls out his list first and drops it into the baby seat of the cart and then grabs his phone. Luke’s faced with the wild selfie Michael set for his profile picture and he rolls his eyes as clicks the icon to answer the call.

“What’s up, Mikey?” he answers as he starts pushing the cart in the direction of the produce section. 

“You at the store yet?” Luke can hear the clicking of the buttons on the controller in Michael’s hands.

“Yeah, just got in. You need anything?”

Michael then rambles off a short list that Luke jots down into his notes app since he doesn’t have a pen or anything with him. He assures his friend he’ll come drop off the odd collection of snacks and things (“They have to be the dinosaur shaped ones. I swear Luke they do taste better.”) once he finished up his shop of real groceries.

Luke wanders around the produce, picking out what fruits and veggies he wants to have around for the week. He takes his time finding the apples without the bruises, bananas that will be the perfect amount of ripe by midweek, some leafy bunches for the salad he’s been assigned to bring for the breakroom potluck on Tuesday. He’s checking out some strawberries that he thinks might be nice to toss into the mix too when a human sized figure appears in the corner of his vision.

It’s a man around his size (in similar cozy clothes) facing away from him. He’s got hair the opposite color to Luke’s bleached blonde. His messy black curls are pulled back into a tiny bun that mirrors Luke’s own. The other man is broad and has a tattoo of a bird across the back of his neck, just barely visible above the collar of a faded blue sweatshirt. The tattoo is one that seems oddly familiar to Luke, as though it belongs to someone he knows. The man begins to wander off toward the bakery section of the store though and Luke shrugs off the recognition, figuring it might be someone he’s seen around a waiting room in the hospital at some point. He settles on some strawberries and starts pushing his cart in the direction of the deli and meats.

As he stares at the different packages of chicken and breakfast sausages, he can’t help but think back on the man he saw though. There was something achingly familiar about him, and more than just the tattoo. He can’t shake the thought for some reason and finds himself jumping in surprise when he feels his phone buzz once again in his pocket. 

He doesn’t even have to look to the screen to know that it’s Michael calling again to add something to his list. In fact, he happens to even know the items that his friend failed to mention the first time he called. Luke presses the accept button and lifts the phone to his ear.

“Froot Loops and the character shaped fruit snacks?”

“The superhero ones, if they have them please!”

*

Luke continues around the store, grabbing all the bits from his list (and Michael’s 12 year old boy list) and eventually lands in the dairy section. He grabs the yogurt he’s been mixing granola into for breakfast lately and some butter for the cookies his mom sent him a recipe for. Only thing left in terms of food is cereal milk and coffee milk (2% and oat, respectively, of course). When he looks up from the list to make his way over to the fridges containing the plethora of milks, he is faced once again with the familiar stranger. 

Except this time, as he catches just the briefest glimpse of the man’s face, of his hazel eyes and strong jawline, he realizes this isn’t a stranger. Very much not a stranger. It’s Ashton Irwin, the host of at least three of those reality dating shows he forces Michael to watch with him on the weekends since he can’t watch them when they air live on Monday and Tuesdays. 

Or, well, he was the host of all of those shows until about two months ago.

Because Ashton Irwin has been dead for two months due to a freak heart attack while on vacation on some remote island.

Luke glances away from him for a moment in a panic. Has he completely lost it? Have the late nights finally gotten to him and he’s starting to actually see things that don’t exist? Was Calum right all along and the store really is haunted? (Though it's a little lost on him why a star TV host would want to haunt a grocery store. And not even a good one like that Whole Foods in Downtown.)

Then he realizes that perhaps he was just wrong. (Though now that he thinks about it, he very much remembers liking an Instagram picture of that tattoo on Ashton Irwin’s account a couple years back.) He’s far enough down the aisle from him that he can chance a look at the man without being caught. So, slowly, Luke turns again just slightly to look toward him.

It’s the hair that left him not immediately making the recognition. His hair has been dyed black, a stark contrast to his signature dark red but definitely a change that likely doesn’t draw as much attention. The sweatshirt he’s paired with black skinny jeans is pretty baggy and it’s a damn shame because Luke knows he has the arms of a god.

(Something Luke knows from the tabloid covers he glances at from time to time at the pharmacy and the summer version of the show that Ashton hosted, of course. He most definitely has never searched up his name + ‘biceps’ before. Never.)

But despite the obvious attempt to match the look and aesthetic of ‘2am grocery shopper’ he's still very unmistakably Ashton Irwin.

As Luke grapples with this new knowledge that apparently this person he thought was dead is not dead and also apparently goes to the same grocery as him, he fails to notice that Ashton has turned to face him and that he is still staring at him in shock. 

Very quickly, Ashton’s face comes to mirror Luke’s expression and he’s rushing toward the blonde in a state of terror. 

“Please don’t say anything,” he gasped in a hushed voice. The accent similar to his own that Luke has grown used to hearing on his TV sticks out some in his panicked words.

“How? I - uh? Are you,” Luke trips over every syllable that comes out of his mouth as he attempts to let his brain wrap around the situation. “Are you a ghost?”

The feared look of the black haired man actually fades some as he lets a quiet giggle escape (a very cute giggle, if Luke is being honest). “I’m, uh, not a ghost. No. Though I guess that does kind of accurately explain what I’m trying to be.”

Now Luke is even more confused. Based on the statement, he obviously wasn’t making up all of the tabloid stories he had seen about Ashton dying but something isn’t adding up to the present moment. “I don't-”

“Listen, if you’re going to go tell the press, can you at least give me like,” he glances down at his phone screen displaying the time. “2 hours to get back out to my friend’s place where I’ve been hiding?”

It’s now Luke’s turn to laugh. “You do realize if I go to some paparazzi or something and tell them I saw deceased Ashton Irwin wandering around my grocery store trying to decide between hazelnut and cashew milk they would just laugh in my face, right?”

The statement causes Ashton to look down at his hands to the milks in his hands. He sighs down at the cartons before tossing both of them in the cart. “Guess you’re not really wrong.”

“Is someone pulling some kind of long-winded, over the top prank on me right now? Am I being punk’d?” Luke asks, his head tilting some in a way that would normally have Michael making fun of him for the child-like behavior. “Because I know for a fact that I am not worth that much effort.”

The questions have Ashton smiling a bit again and Luke suddenly finds himself wanting to say increasingly dumb things so long as it’ll keep the hazel-eyed man smiling. “No, no. Not at all. I just,” his smile falters some, leaving his lips still turned up but his eyes drop some. “I started to get a little sick of the world and the world started getting a bit sick of me, I think.” Luke wonders if Ashton knew just how heavy his words feel.

He scoffs then, as if hearing Luke’s silent question. “Wow, sorry that was really dramatic,” Ashton shakes his head a bit before continuing. “Hi, I’m Ashton.”

Luke looks down to the tanned arm being stretched out toward him. He lifts a hand from his shopping cart and wraps it around Ashton’s. “I’m Luke.”

Ashton brightens again as he shakes his hand. “Well, Luke, you’re the first person other than my current landlord of sorts that I’ve come across since literally dying in the eyes of the media. So I guess I owe you an explanation? Since it seems like you’re familiar with that media viewpoint?”

Ashton moves to start pushing his cart in the direction of another area of the store but peers over his shoulder and gestures with his head to follow him. Luke quickly reaches into the fridge on his left to grab the rest of his dairy before catching up to him. “Well, you really don’t owe me anything. I don’t know you beyond what I see of you on my TV screen,” Luke wonders then if maybe he should have played it a bit cooler and not told the cute, presumed dead TV star that he watches his shows. “But I am a bit confused by whatever is going on and would like to hear anything you’re willing to share.”

“Cute and polite,” Ashton muses, avoiding Luke’s eye as he continues forward toward the packaged food aisles. “You’re already checking boxes, Luke.”

Some kind of intelligible noise falls from Luke’s lips as he feels a blush rush up to his cheeks because he’s flirting with him. Ashton only laughs and starts his story.

“Well Luke, you seem to be aware of what I did for a living up until about 2 months ago. I’ve been doing this job for like, about 5 years and before every new season of anything, there’s all these big network and programming meetings about production and filming and such. And every single time, I get hounded by our ratings people because I apparently don’t do enough to instigate and promote drama. Like my contract was getting threatened like three times a year because rather than trying to make peoples’ lives miserable, I just want to help them fall in love.

“And so at this particular meeting, about two and half months ago, just before the ‘accident’,” he punctuates the word with air quotations. “I got the boot. Ratings from the previous season were down by 3% and all of the uppers decided it was because of my congeniality and not the fact that the guy they chose for the season was a complete dick.

“So that night I have to host the red carpet stuff for an awards show. And I’m talking with all these glittery people who also do TV work and it suddenly hits me, harder than it ever has before, that every single person I’m speaking to would never even bother to smile in my direction if they didn’t know who I was. If I was just a plain old guy, the kind of guy I was back in school before I signed on to the shows, they probably wouldn’t pay me a single bit of kindness. So I decided, right then, as I was talking to some Grey’s Anatomy actor, that I wanted to get out.”

He turns into the chip aisle then, and Luke follows close behind. “You decided you wanted to step away from television and your first idea was to fake your own death?”

Ashton laughs as he reaches for a couple tubes of Pringles. “It was more than that,” he starts as he tosses the tubes into the cart. “I wanted to escape celebrity all together, not just the world of television. A friend from back home that I would trust with my life had this cabin kinda out in the middle of nowhere in this forest and he only ever uses it for like, two weeks in the summer and said I could camp out there until I find a way to get back to Australia undetected to live at the house I bought over there a few years ago. My manager helped with all the media stories and such. And two months later, here we are.”

“That’s insane,” Luke shakes his head as he speaks, reaching for his own tube of Pringles as he realizes it's been quite awhile since he got his hand stuck in a Pringle tube so why not?

“The journey is a bit wild, I will agree, Luke, but the life I’m living right now is much more enjoyable than faking it every damn day.”

Luke shakes his head (and ignores the fluttery feeling he keeps getting when Ashton says his name). “No, I mean it’s insane that I am somehow the first person that’s caught you.”

Ashton’s brows perk up at the statement. “Oh yeah no, I’m also pretty surprised by that. Figured I would have had to pay off a lot of people by now to keep them quiet.”

They’ve both pushed their carts up toward the self check out how and start scanning away at their items. Luke looks up halfway through his cart and catches Calum giving him a look from a little ways away. He’s got a suggestive look on his face. But thankfully it's one that reads much more as “ohhh Luke is talking to a boy” rather than “ohhh there’s a celebrity in my store”. Plus Luke knows Calum wouldn’t be the type to go rushing to media people to out the presence of dead celebrities in his grocery store at 2am so he chooses to subtly flip him off before reaching for the next item in his basket.

They’re both about done scanning and bagging up their groceries when Luke starts to realize he really...doesn’t want this little bit of time he’s spent with Ashton to end yet. And given his lack of normal human interaction during daylight hours as of recently, he’s a bit out of practice on the whole asking someone to extend a conversation beyond the grocery store aisles. He drops his bags back into his cart to roll back out to his car and as he watches Ashton perform the same action the words just sort of leap from his mouth. “Hey do you, uh, have anywhere to be right now?”

Ashton gently places a bag containing some produce into his cart before turning to Luke, a teasing smirk resting on his lips. “Luke, it’s 2am and I’m presumed dead to everyone but about 4 people,” he catches that Luke still looks somewhat nervous (something he would later reflect on to tell him just how damn cute it was) and continues. “So I’ve got just about all the time in the world.”

“Want to come to mine for lunch? We could make something and watch a show or keep chatting or something?” he asks, tentatively. 

He watches as Ashton’s face shifts a bit, obviously confused by some part of what Luke’s just said. “Why would you ask if I’m free now if you were wanting to make lunch plans?”

Luke realizes his request requires some explanation for people that live during normal human hours. “Oh, because I have lunch at about 3am. Because I work nights. So right now feels like,” he pauses a moment, trying to decide and calculate what time this would have been for him before taking his job. “It feels like about 11am-ish for me right now. So close to lunch time.”

They’re out in the parking lot now and Ashton just stops for a moment beside Luke in the middle of the lot and looks up at him for a moment, a smile spreading across his face, his dimples, ones that Luke had grown used to seeing on his TV screens over the last few years, increasingly deepen. “Lunch sounds nice.”

* 

Ashton follows Luke back to his apartment (and to the brief stop he makes at Michael’s where he ignores the comments about the man parked in the car behind his) and they park in the garage, carrying their groceries in their arms up to his unit. They each deposit their cold and frozen items into Luke’s fridge and he pours them each a glass of water as Ashton takes a seat at his kitchen counter. Luke sips from his glass as he watches Ashton glance around his kitchen and living room.

“I try to keep it cozy,” Luke explains as he reaches into a cabinet for a couple pots and pans. He migrates over to his sink to fill a pot with water to boil. “Needed it when I first started the working at night thing and I needed to find a way to force myself to sleep when the sun was up. Gonna make some pasta and chicken thing, that cool?”

Ashton smiles warmly from his place at the counter. “Sounds lovely. You mind if I use that?” he points to the opposite corner of the space where a black Keurig machine sits. “I don’t often do this whole living like normal in the night thing.”

Luke laughs at the comment on being nocturnal. “Go for it.” 

He turns back to the pan of chicken, chopping it up and moving it around some before turning to a different burner and tossing in a few things to make a garlic sauce. He can make maybe two things that qualify as meals rather than just large portioned snacks so he’s opted for one of those since he so rarely has company. 

“What do you do then that’s got you up all through the night?” Ashton asks as he opens the cabinet above the coffee machine pulling down a bright yellow mug. The color suits him, Luke thinks. “You work in tech support or something?”

“Thankfully very far off from that,” Luke starts with a giggle. “I’m absolute garbage with computers. I work the nurses’ desk for the recovery wing at one of the children’s hospitals. It’s a lot of checking and distributing charts, ordering things for the nurses, talking to parents when they want more logistical updates on their child’s care there. Sometimes I get to help entertain the kids who get to go out and about. Yesterday I let them request songs to play for awhile and then we had show and tell.”

“God, you’re like something out of some cheesy movie, huh?”

Luke turns to see Ashton smiling up at him, his arms crossed at his chest as he leans against the counter to face him, the coffee machine whirring to life behind him. Luke bites at his cheek to avoid an entirely too large smile to spread across his face though he knows he can’t help the blush painting it’s way across his nose and cheeks. “It’s a good job. Even worth the whole graveyard shift situation.”

Ashton grimaces at the end of Luke’s reply. “Night shoots used to kick my ass. There is nothing in the world more terrifying than slightly drunk women in hot pink crying over some complete asshole rejecting them after a cocktail party at 2am.”

“Was there anything about it that you liked, though?” Luke asks after he turns down the heat to let the sauce simmer for a bit. He watches Ashton stir some milk into his mug that he retrieved from the fridge.

“Of course,” Ashton answers quickly, in a tone that projects honesty rather than just being used to answering the question. “I got to travel to places I would have never made it to otherwise, meet people that I considered heroes growing up, provide for myself and my family. And for a while that’s why I just dealt with the bull shit. But I started to realize I was working my ass off for all of that good stuff I was getting. That I didn’t have to deal with things in exchange for those things that were mine because of my work.”

Luke isn’t quite sure what to respond to that. Because he’s right, the logic is obvious and sound on all of it. As he’s trying to formulate a response though, Ashton cuts in again. “Though I guess maybe that’s a pretty privileged logic I-”

“No, don’t,” Luke cuts him off. “You shouldn’t justify the unfair parts of your job like that. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own values about the way people should be interacting with one another for the sake of drama for good TV ratings. You don’t owe anything to anyone who doesn’t actually give a shit about you as a person. I’ve known you for like two hours and it already just baffles me why someone wouldn’t want to know who you are behind the stage makeup and scripted lines.”

He watches as Ashton lifts the mug to his lips, pink cheeks peeking out from each side (he wonders if the change in color comes from the heat of the mug or the words he’s just said). He lowers the mug and his lips lift into a lazy smile. “See now I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually dead. Your kindness is angelic.”

Luke hasn’t a single clue how to respond to that so he gives the hazel-eyed man a small smile before returning to his saucepan. Ashton shifts the conversation then, asking Luke more about his job before telling him about the gardening he’s taken up since being stuck out in the middle of nowhere on his own. He shows Luke pictures of his herb garden and points out each one as he names it. As he starts putting food into bowls, Luke offhandedly mentions how he’s always wanted to grow lavender but tending to plants when you sleep through the sunshine makes gardening difficult. He drops a fork into a bowl and when he turns to hand it to Ashton, Luke watches as he hits the “Add to Cart” option on an Amazon page for lavender seeds. His heart does some kind of funny rhythm as butterflies burst in his chest. Their eyes meet as Ashton locks his phone and looks up to him. 

“Pretend you didn’t see that, I want it to be a surprise,” Ashton whispers between the two of them, his right eye winking up at Luke as he accepts the bowl.

“So this is going to be happening again then?” Luke muses as he grabs his own bowl and walks toward the living room. Ashton follows behind him. “I should plan for future early morning lunches with a dead celebrity?”

“I know it comes with some amount of risk for both of us but,” Ashton looks down toward his feet, scratching at the back of his neck as he tries to come up with the right way to phrase things. Luke turns to face him as he hears the hesitation in his voice. “I really want to see you again. This has been nice. And not just because you’re the first person I’ve spoken to other than my mother in two months. I...want to know you, Luke.”

Luke smiles tiredly, feelings the earliness of the hour in a way that he hasn’t in quite some time. He watches as Ashton’s fingers fidget with a string hanging from the end of his sweatshirt, obviously nervous about what he’s just admitted to the man he’s only just really met, still. Luke reaches forward for his hand, tangling their fingers together as he squeezes his palm against Ashton’s. It feels nice to be close to someone like this. It’s something he didn’t realize he was missing out on while only really living in the night.

“I think you’re worth the risk, Ashton.”

He watches as Ashton looks down to their intertwined hands, Luke’s eyes following to the same place. His hands are pale from the lack of much sunlight other than what he gets at sunset when he goes out to take his walk after waking. Ashton’s is warm and tanned, likely from the sun he gets from days in his secret garden hideout. He barely knows this man, apart from the apparently highly curated version he’s seen on screen. He wants to know the Ashton that speaks like sunshine and loves love enough to lose his job over. He wants to know the steps he knows he’s skipping in his story right now that led to him faking his own death. So it’s no surprise that the next words have him smiling bright enough to light up the early morning they found each other in. 

“I think we’re worth the risk, too.”

*

[jynersq]

i was tagged by @cancerbiophd​ thank you julia i love youuuu!!!

You can call me: emma or em!

I’d describe myself as: practical, creative, witty, loyal, a perfectionist

Fictional character(s) that I identify with or am fond of: oh boy i really identify w jyn erso’s attitude and general fury HOWEVER i also really relate to miss jemma simmons’ enthusiasm and passion for science

Three random facts about me:

1. my little sister used to call me “squirrel” when we were younger but for the life of me i cant remember why

2. i am trying to learn german because i’d like to live in germany someday

3. the longest romantic relationship i’ve ever been in was in high school and lasted roughly 24 hours

Something little about my appearance that I kind of like: my eyes are medium brown but they look really pretty in the sun ;u;

An outfit that makes me feel powerful: a good sweater with some high waisted jeans!!

An object that is special to me: i wear a necklace almost every day that has a charm in the shape of the big dipper constellation on it, and my little sister has one with the little dipper and we wear them when we miss each other. it’s become almost a comfort object to me!!

A compliment (or two, or three) about me that made me feel warm inside: being complimented on my writing or drawing!! 

Something I love about myself: i am kind. i am quite sarcastic but i do my best to use it to make people laugh rather than hurt their feelings

Something I love about someone else: this boy i’m lowkey in l*ve with sneezes whenever he gets into direct sunlight and god if it isn’t the BEST thing ive ever seen in my whole life

Something I’d love to buy for someone else: either pay off my parents’ mortgage or buy them their dream home to retire in!!! they’ve done so much for me that i really hope i can do this for them someday

Something I’d love to buy for myself: an ipad pro that i can use to take notes and to draw with!!

Three things that make me happy right now:

1. i’m watching s5 of schitt’s creek on netflix and it is just. SO FUNNY

2. my friends were all so lovely to me on my bday even though i couldnt be home for it this year and i just felt so loved despite being so far away :’) 

3. wolf 359 honestly makes me so happy whenevr i think about it....my heart is full

Something I’m looking forward to: my mom’s coming to visit me in grad school in 1.5 weeks!!!!!!!

Something I enjoyed recently: i listened to the first episode of the beef and dairy network podcast when i was cleaning my apt and it made me laugh SO hard

Song(s) stuck in my head recently: phoebe bridgers’ cover of “friday i’m in love” is so.....IT’S SO

I watched this, maybe you’d like it too: i feel like most people have already seen the netflix series dark but it is so so good and atmospheric.......

Something adorable I came across recently:  this article about rats being taught to drive tiny cars for froot loops.......wholesome

If you wanted to know me better, you should check out these things: probably my “/e” or “/grad stuff” tags!

Something I can/will do to take care of myself or make things more positive for me in the coming days: as SOON as i finish my second exam for the week on friday evening im cracking open a bottle of wine and listening to all seven episodes of the zero hours podcast and no one can stop me

I’ll tag: @gemsofthegalaxy @baenakinskywalker @lesbianromanticism @dreadwater @enigma731 @daishannigans @ladytharen and tbh anyone else who wants to do it <3

[birlcholtz]

deep blue flowers

read it on ao3

Alex hasn’t been listening to Elliot for about the past half hour. If he’s going to barge into the training room and start rambling about Danny while pacing around the treadmill that Alex is currently on, he’s going to have to accept that Alex is not focusing on him. Not once he’s been running for over an hour and needs to focus on breathing, anyway.

“...so I was hoping that you knew a way to get into Ouranos and—”

“What?” Alex almost topples off the treadmill. “You can’t go there unless you’re dead. Everyone knows that.”

Elliot shrugs. “I’m dead, technically.”

“And why do you want to do this again?”

“To get something for Danny!”

“Why do you think this is a good idea?”

“It’s not, but it’s a really fucking awesome one.”

Well, at least he knows that. “And you need me to get you in and out?”

“...Yeah. I would normally ask Danny but it’s a surprise.”

“How are you even going to bring something back? You need to burn everything for the ritual, and it just fuses your soul with your body.”

“Oh, the Witch Mother has that covered.”

“Ugh.” Alex stops the treadmill and grabs his towel and water bottle. “You’ve thought of everything. I don’t even have a good way to convince you that this is a bad idea.”

“I already know it’s a bad idea. I almost always have bad ideas. Besides, I knew you would be hardest to convince, so I sorted everything else out first. Everyone is just waiting for me to confirm that you’re on board.”

“You’re a little shit.”

“I am.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Cool.”

Kal and Samji are at Willow’s house, which is good because that’s the only place Elliot could think of that they might be. Well, and Skytown, but he can’t exactly get there without Samji’s speeder.

“ELLIOT IS HERE,” Kal says from inside as Elliot gets ready to knock. The door swings open without him touching it.

“Wow, just in time for breakfast,” Samji says when he walks into Willow’s kitchen. “What are you doing here? Thought you ascended back to Gaia like six months ago.”

“I did,” Elliot replies as Willow hands him a bowl of cereal.

“DID YOU DIE AGAIN?”

“Nope. Looking for something for my boyfriend.” The cereal tastes like Froot Loops, but fruitier. “He’s the one who brought me back to Gaia last time.”

“So what’re you gonna get him?” Willow asks.

“I was hoping you could help me with that, since I have no idea. I wasn’t exactly here very long last time.”

“BRING HIM WILLOW’S WAFFLE RECIPE.”

“No way, Kal, I’m not giving anyone my waffle recipe.”

“I TRIED,” Kal sighs.

“You can have Stephanie’s game console,” Samji suggests. “I never use it anyway.”

“Are you kidding? No.”

“So then what do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. Something you can’t find on Gaia.”

“Does he like plants?” Willow asks.

Elliot blinks. “Uh, yeah.” Danny helps Tanya in her greenhouse sometimes, but he’s usually more preoccupied with school. “Why?”

“Let’s go to my balcony, c’mon.”

Elliot follows as Willow leads the way upstairs, to a part of her house he’s never been to before. Samji and Kal seem to know the way, as they aren’t at all confused by the painted stairs that are seriously messing with Elliot’s depth perception. He stumbles and almost trips more than once— would have tripped, if not for Samji grabbing his arm and stabilizing him.

“Awesome, isn’t it?” Willow asks without turning around. “I painted the stairs myself. Had to get eight different colors of paint. Some of them were supposed to sparkle, but I think that’s worn off with time because they don’t anymore. Here we are.” She opens a door that Elliot hadn’t noticed before (it blends perfectly into the orange wall) and they step out onto a balcony.

It’s almost like an open-air treehouse, a platform wrapping around one of the larger branches of the tree that Willow’s house sits at the base of. There’s no railing.

“If you fall, you won’t die,” Samji says, noticing Elliot’s look at the edge. “The balcony isn’t high enough for that.”

“UNLESS YOU FALL HEADFIRST,” Kal adds. “THEN YOU MIGHT DIE.”

“Wait, you can die in Ouranos?”

“You can, probably,” Willow says. “Seeing as you’re technically sort of alive. If one of us falls off headfirst, we’ll be fine in an hour or so. I’ve done it before and after a day I barely even notice the headache.”

Elliot decides then and there to stay away from the edge.

Willow’s balcony is huge, first of all, so he can pretty much walk around freely. The platform is made of some sort of smooth, wood-like material, cut into planks that are wedged so tightly together, Elliot doesn’t think they could fall if they tried. And there are plants everywhere.

“You’ve added some new ones,” Samji says to Willow as she inspects something that looks like a fern, if ferns were shimmery and pale pink.

“CHECK SAMJI’S POCKETS BEFORE WE LEAVE,” Kal mutters. “SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF PLANTS SO IF SHE TAKES ANY THEY’LL DIE.”

“I had to get some variety,” Willow says. “Too much green. I got some toadstools that are cool, they’re over in the shady part.” She wanders off with Samji (Elliot notices that Willow is keeping a careful eye on her) and pretty soon they’re lost in the foliage.

“GET HIM FLOWERS,” Kal suggests.

“Yeah, think so.” Elliot steps around the bright yellow shrub in front of him and looks around— Willow’s garden is a riot of color. There’s a trellis by the tree trunk, draped in a shimmering silver vine. He makes a mental note of that one and keeps wandering around. There’s a crash from somewhere behind a flowering purple sapling and Samji’s voice saying “Ow, Willow, I just wanted to look at it!”

“Look with your eyes, not with your kleptomaniac fingers,” Willow replies, and then they quiet back down.

“ELLIOT, I HAVE FOUND A NICE PLANT FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND,” Kal says from somewhere on the balcony. “IT IS EXTREMELY AESTHETICALLY PLEASING.”

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE,” Elliot yells back.

“I AM NEXT TO THE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING PLANT.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t help,” he mutters.

Eventually, Elliot finds his way back to the door. Samji is there too, sulking, and Kal and Willow are debating the logistics of taking a bud from the plant Kal found.

“There you are,” Willow says when she notices him. “What took you so long?”

Oh my fucking God. It took Elliot at least ten minutes to find his way back to the door, and he’d gone approximately ten feet. “Your garden is a maze.”

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Willow doesn’t wait for a response before she says, “We got some stuff for you.” She and Kal have brought over some ceramic pots, and Kal must have snagged the trellis with the silver vine on the way over. “That boy Kal likes knows how to make flower arrangements so I figured you could just go over there for some help.”

“IT WAS HER IDEA,” Kal says.

“But we’re all gonna need to go over there because there are too many things to carry,” Samji says.

“I normally would just make all of you carry it, but I’m going to come along to keep an eye on my plants.”

“Kal can carry all the heavy things anyway.” Samji nods to the trellis. “That way he gets to show off how strong he is.”

“YOU ARE VERY IMMATURE AND FRIVOLOUS.”

“Shut up and pick up the trellis.”

Kal’s mystery boy is called Geo, which initially confuses Elliot.

“You’re a nymph. Why are you named Geo?”

“Like ‘geode,’” Geo says with a smile, nodding at the crystal walls.

Frankly, Geo is a ray of sunshine. He’s shorter even than Elliot, which is not something Elliot’s seen often, and his smile is almost bigger than his face. He’s decorated his horns with an elaborate flower crown.

He also cuts snippets from the plants they’ve brought wickedly fast and Elliot swears that when his finger touched a thorn, his finger bent it out of the way insted of it pricking him. (It’s difficult to tell, since Geo’s skin is the same green as the stems.)

“So are you going for a bouquet or did you have something else in mind?” Geo asks, twirling a bit of the silver vine into a loop. He intertwines it with some of the pink fern and hops up on his table. “Tell Kal to get over here so I can put this on his head.”

Kal is already on his way over, since he apparently has a radar for whenever Geo says anything (not that Elliot is surprised), so Elliot just decides to answer his question.

“I guess a bouquet? I’m not sure how he feels about flower crowns so I think maybe we should stay away from that.”

“Good plan,” Geo says as he perches the pink and silver crown on Kal’s head. (Kal has a look on his face like he’s been touched by an angel.) “I have two different ideas, do you want me to just make them both and then you can decide?”

“What’ll you do with the extra one?”

Geo shrugs. “Depends. If Willow doesn’t want it, then I’ll keep it! I’m sure I’ll find some occasion to give someone a bouquet.” He hops off the table. “And when I say that, I mean that I could really use a bouquet to give someone.”

“Okay, then yeah, making them both would be helpful.”

Geo starts with the potted plant that looks kind of like a rosebush, except the flowers are a deep blue and there’s a shimmering gold light emanating from the center. Then the silver vine (Kal just picked up the entire trellis and brought it with them), then the pink fern, then a pot of what looks like black and white irises. He plants a white flower Elliot can’t identify in the center of a bouquet that’s mostly the irises and silver vine, and lays it across the table, apparently done with it. The second one, which Geo takes longer to finish, shines. Some of the blue rose-like things are open enough that the golden light is prominent, and it makes the pink fern and the silver vine shimmer, even in the somewhat dim lighting of the geode. He doesn’t add the irises, but he intertwines the fern and the vine and weaves them through the blue roses.

“Oh my God, that’s beautiful,” Elliot blurts out.

Geo smiles as he finishes it up. “I thought you’d like it.”

Leaving is difficult, since they not only have all the plants they started out with, but also a bouquet. Kal offers to take the pink fern, which Elliot is holding in addition to the bouquet, but Elliot says no. Kal’s already got the trellis and the irises, and no matter how capable he claims to be, he doesn’t have any more arms available.

Unless he can grow more arms?

Elliot doesn’t know and he’s not anxious to find out.

It turns out to be a good thing that Elliot keeps the fern, because they haven’t even gotten onto Samji’s speeder before Geo comes back out of his geode with the extra bouquet and hurries to catch up to them.

“Kal!” he says.

Kal immediately stops, and there’s a bit of a scramble to prevent him from dropping the irises (which have decided to continue carrying forward with momentum). Willow snatches them before they fall and holds on to them while Geo approaches with the bouquet.

There’s a brief moment where Elliot thinks there’s going to be confessions of love or something, but in the end Geo just blushes dark green and holds the bouquet towards Kal, who takes it with his newly freed hand and stares at it in wonder as Geo rushes back into his house.

“He’s shy,” Samji murmurs to Elliot. “That’s the most overt declaration of interest I’ve ever seen from him.”

They ride back to Willow’s house almost silently— Kal is in awe of the flowers from Geo, and usually he would provide a majority of the noise.

“So how are you going to get back to Gaia?” Willow asks.

“Oh, a friend of mine is going to help.” Alex has been instructed to wait six hours before summoning Elliot back to the world of the living, so it might be a while before he goes back, but the Witch Mother has assured Elliot that it’ll work. He’s both dead and alive, so he can go back and forth, which is pretty punk rock. It also means that they don’t have to cover Elliot’s corpse in blood and burn his clothes, which is nice. He’d arrived in the same clothes he was wearing when Alex did the ritual to send him, and the bouquet will almost definitely come with him on the trip back. Or at least, the Witch Mother says that he can bring things back.

“You can hang out at my place until you have to go, I don’t think Kal and Samji will be leaving for a while. I’m making lunch.”

“I’ll do that. Thanks.”

Lunch at Willow’s is just as good as last time, and Elliot’s lucky he gets to stay to enjoy it— less than a minute after he finishes his plate, he starts floating again. It’s good that he hung on to the bouquet while he was eating, just in case this happened. It’s floating with him up towards the world of the living.

“See you sometime,” Elliot says before he hits the ceiling.

“Don’t die too early,” Samji responds.

“I’ll try.”

Alex knows that Elliot is back when his body twitches on the floor and a weird-looking bouquet of flowers appears, cradled in his arms.

“You’re stupid,” he says when Elliot opens his eyes and looks around. “That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever participated in.”

“Not to hear Eli tell it.”

“Maybe Eli’s wrong.”

“He’s probably not.” Elliot sits up. “Anyway, I gotta go find Danny. Thanks!”

And then he dashes out of the training facility with the flowers.

He left his shoes on the floor.

“How is he older than me?” Alex asks himself.

Danny is reading an engineering textbook and eating a granola bar when Elliot finds him. Someone (probably Madina) has installed a shelf above his desk and filled it with snacks. They must have put that there today, since Elliot was here with Danny last night.

He knocks on the doorframe of the room (the door is open), and when Danny looks up, he says, “Danny, I have something for you!” and holds out the flowers.

Elliot can practically see Danny’s mind zooming around before he says, “What kind of flowers are those?”

“They’re from Ouranos.”

Danny blinks.

“The underworld. Afterlife. Whatever.”

“They’re really cool,” Danny says, finishing his granola bar and getting up to take the bouquet. “How do they glow?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

“Hmm. Maybe Tanya will have some ideas. Or I guess I could ask Magda? Tanya knows plants, but I don’t think she knows much about Ouranos... Hey, did you know you’re not wearing shoes?”

“I’m not?”

“No,” Danny says, going back to inspecting the bouquet. “I’ll start out with Tanya then, and if she doesn’t know I can ask Magda. Or Greg, Greg would probably know...”

Elliot just smiles.

@sharperzero @dannybecketofficial @tobuggsy @scythio @vanishedschism @peppernine-me @finalscrisis

[lookingglasstheatre]

1. What are you listening to right now? “Kill V. Maim” by Grimes

2. What song makes you sad? I have a whole playlist called “I Used to Know You, But Now We’re Strangers” composed entirely of songs that remind me of exes or old friends I’m not longer in contact with..

“Gimme Danger” by The Stooges is a big one, along with “Everlong” by The Foo Fighters, which both remind me of very specific relationships. But, my pick for this is “Farther” by Third Eye Blind.. it could apply to a lot of different people..

“And I think about you dying years from now never having known who you are […] All I think about is waiting and all the people we are fading into Farther from you every day..” - “Farther” Third Eye Blind

3. What is the most annoying song in the world? Songs aren’t usually annoying to me unless they’re overplayed. I don’t know, no song is annoying me at the moment. Maybe that song “We Are Young” by fun. I’m not even sure it’s annoying, I just hate it.

4. Your all time favorite band? The Birthday Massacre, probably. That would be the most unique pick. Or Elliott Smith, if that counts.

5. Your newly discovered band is? The Regrettes. It’s amazing to me that Lydia Night is like 16 years old. I hope those kids keep killing it. Good luck to them.

6. Best female voice? Hope Sandoval of Mazzy Star has an amazing voice. I wish I sounded even a little bit like her.

7. Best male voice? So, I don’t think he’s the best.. but holy shit, Ville Valo from HIM has a sexy voice. It’s so sexy as to almost make you forget how cheesy HIM lyrics are. Almost.

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most? Pop music, probably.. and shitty punk rock, lol.

9. What do you listen to, to hype you up? Depends on what I’m getting hyped up for. “Bubblegum Bitch” by Marina and The Diamonds for going out and looking pretty. All of Enema of the Sate by Blink-182 for energy in the morning. Kanye for working out. Aesthetic Perfection when I’m about to hit up a goth club, hah.

10. What do you listen to when you want to calm down? Belle and Sebastian, Slowdive, Radiohead, Lana Del Rey

11. Last gig/concert you went to? My friend’s band, Sleepsnack.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now? My taste shifts once the weather gets warm so; Blink-182, Fountains of Wayne, Sufer Blood, Wavves, Third Eye Blind, My Chem’s Danger Days record.

13. Most hated band? I don’t listen to music I hate unless it’s inflicted upon me by other people against my will. So I’m not good with naming bands I don’t like. As far as bands I hate for personal or political reasons.. I hate ANY band that harasses or condones the harassment of women or minorities.

14. Song that makes you think? “Romeo’s Distress” by Christian Death. It’s such a great fucking track, but I want to believe that it’s anti-white supremacist, instead of the other way around… I have read the lyrics over and over trying to figure out if Roz Williams was actually just racist. I want to believe it was written mostly for the shock value and ultimately a song just telling a story and issuing a kind of warning.. but who knows for sure.. [sigh]

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do? I’m always kind of surprised more people I meet aren’t more familiar with Sneaker Pimps or IAMX’s early records. Chris Corner is kind of a hero of mine.

16. Coolest music video? Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” and the video for Death Cab for Cutie’s “Title and Registration.” “All I Full of Love” by Bjork. There are probably a bunch more I’m forgetting. All Grimes music videos.

17. Music video with the most watch? This question is phrased weirdly. But if you’re asking what music video I’ve watched the most… Malice Mizer’s “Illuminati.” Definitely. LOL. Along with Velvet Eden’s “SAD MASK.” Oh god, KALM flailing around in awful CG fire is what I LIVE for.

18. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up? Souvlaki by Slowdive. With candles lit, after smoking together.

19. Ever been in a mosh pit? No. I would die. Look at the fucking size of me. I am a delicate doll.

20. Are you in a band? Nope. Someone start an all-girl Ramones and/or Blink-182 cover band with me.

21. Ever dated a musician? “Dated” would be kind of a strong word for it, but I had an ongoing casual thing with a guitarist in a band.

22. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician? Yes, but only because I wish I were any good at playing one of the myriad of instruments I’ve tried to learn. I wouldn’t want to be famous though.

23. Best all chick band you know of? Sleater-Kinney.

24. Last song that you heard on the radio/cd…etc…? I haven’t listened to the radio in a long, long time. I haven’t bought a CD in many years. If you’re counting any kind of physical media, I’m spinning an LP on my turntable right now; it’s Blink-182’s Enema of The State and “Anthem” just finished playing.

32. What do you think of Classical music? Eh, I can understand why some people find it boring. My mother was a classical pianist and I grew up listening to a lot of classical music. I just developed a taste for it after many years, I guess.

33. What do you think of Country music? It reminds me of growing up in Texas. There will always be at least one or two country songs I like - a lot of which reminds me of middle school dances and crying in the bathroom alone because my crush didn’t like me back. And everyone likes at least one Johnny Cash song.

34. What do you think of metal? I like it. I can only take so much screaming, to be honest.. but some bands I really love can be classified as metal.

35. Last BIG band that you saw live? Blink-182.

36. Are you a groupie? Nope.

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages? I used to listen to a LOT of J-Rock. I also listen to music in Korean, German, Romanian, and French.

38. What famous musician would you like to “spend the night with”!?

Woman; Lauren Mayberry of Chvrches. She’s a great front woman and so, so cute.

Man; I’d say Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, but I feel weird about it because he’s also married to another super-crush of mine; Lindsey from Mindless Self Indulgence… so maybe Elliott Smith when he was still alive. I get a strong impression that he respected women.

39. Worst concert moment? Any time someone drunkenly falls all over me and/or hits me. It always seems to happen. Also when I saw Kaya live with my sister there was a guy trying to hit on her the entire time and I felt really bad that I didn’t exactly notice until we were out of the show.

40. Funny concert moment? When I went to see Marina and The Diamonds there was a guy next to me with his boyfriend and right in front of us was a woman with her teenage son. At some point they lit up a joint and offered some to the mom (who honestly looked kind of square) and she and them got high together. It was pretty amusing watching them chill together.

41. Sad concert moment? I went to see IAMX with a boyfriend, who I loved very much, but he didn’t really know the band. A few rows back, my ex (who I had just recently broken up with) was there with a coworker. I was sad we’d gotten to a point where we couldn’t go together or hang out anymore because we have really similar taste in music and that concert was amazing and I was sad not to be able to hang out with him during it.

42. Best local act you can think of? King Woman is originally from this area, I think.

43. If you were a musical instrument what would you be? Vocalist. I suck at everything else. In a perfect world I’d be the guitarist or keys.

44. Do you listen to the radio? Honestly, no, and I haven’t since grade school, really.

45. Do you watch music TV? I don’t have cable.

46. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40? I did in grade school, but I haven’t really paid attention to music charts since then.

47. Have you meet any famous musicians? Met Kaya at an autograph session at Anime USA. It was at the peak of my Kaya obsession. He told me I was pretty. It was awesome.

48. Are any of your friends/family/etc. musicians? My mom was a piano teacher. My dad is basically tone deaf, haha.

49. Song that best describes your feelings right now? “I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepson.

50. Song that describes your life? The ENTIRE record Froot by Marina And the Diamonds. ESPECIALLY “I’m a Ruin” “Blue” and “Forget” and “Weeds”.. and “Immortal” Yeah, I can’t pick just one song… The whole record. Just listen to the whole thing and you’ll understand me, haha. Which I realize, does not paint me in a very flattering light.. but it’s accurate.

“Gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self esteem” -Blue

“Cause I have lived my life in debt I’ve spent my days in deep regret Yeah, I’ve been living in the red But I wanna forgive and forget” -Forget

“I miss all of my exes They’re the only ones that know me And God knows that sex is A way to feel a bit, a little bit less lonely Yeah, I tried to keep it covered up Yeah, I thought I cut him at the root But now I think my time is up Cause he keeps growing back Like weeds” - Weeds

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to? Not even remotely. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, no.

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a part? A part in what? I think it plays a role in how popular they become. As far as it playing a role in how much I like them, I appreciate bands with a strong aesthetic, but it’s hardly necessary. Some of my favorite bands I wouldn’t even be able to recognize if I saw a photo of.

53. What famous musician do you want to marry? I don’t think someone’s musical output is a good way to gauge their marriageability..

54. Favourite movie soundtrack? The Scott Pilgrim vs The World OST.

55. Any musician pet hates? Any time musicians are arrogant enough to insult other musician’s work just for their own credibility. Like, you’re not cool for hating pop music, my dude. >_>

56. What do your parents listen to? My mother listens to mostly classical music, my dad likes James Taylor and Joni Mitchell

57. What are you listening to right NOW? Private Affair by The Virgins. I fucking love this song.

58. Do you wear band etc T-shirts? I hate wearing band t-shirts with a fiery passion of a thousand suns with VERY rare exceptions.

59. What do you think of people who do? I’m usually pretty.. not into those people. Like, hate is a strong word… but I’m really into fashion. Band t-shirts are like a really lazy way of expressing yourself to me. And they’re almost always printed on really boxy, non-soft material. Everyone wants to fight me on this.. I just don’t care for them.

60. What music sub-culture do you feel like you belong to? None? I always dressed too goth to really feel like I belong in the punk scene even though that was primarily what I was listening to in high school. I guess goth, but I don’t get along with or have much in common with most of the generic goths I know and I listen to too much pop for them. Is the indie-synthpop scene a thing..?

61. What song is stuck in your head right now? The theme song to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

62. Do you sing in the shower? When I was a kid I would drag my giant boom box in the the bathroom with me and listen to it while taking a bath; mostly audiobooks, but sometimes music. I usually didn’t sing along though.

63. If so, what? If not, why not? Not sure? I sing in the car a lot. If music is on and I know the words and I’m alone, I’m singing.

66. How important is your partners taste in music to you? I’m really open about music, so whatever they are into I’ll probably get into as well. If we already share a taste in music we can discover more together, which is really fun. As long as they don’t HATE my music, it’s fine.

67. Hanson moves in next door to you, do you go introduce yourself, or do you arrange to beat them up? I’d probably just update my facebook status like, “Hanson lives next door to me. So, there’s that.” And invite them to my next barbecue.

68. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, you dig? Yes, sometimes, and yes.

69. Do you cook to music? Sometimes, I no longer have speakers right next to the kitchen.

70. Do you sing in the toilet? Nah.

[candyredterezii]

hey do u still have ur rly old autoplay playlist saved somewhere because that's top tier music and i used to listen to that while playing games

I apparently have one script in my post-it notes on my laptop and im pretty sure it was?? the last updated version 

honestly i might re-update it and repost it on my blog (but not have autoplay on ofc) but

yeah uhhhh

forgive me im dumb and idk how to rlly post it as an actual link so ill put the script under a readmore and you can post import it on the the scmplayer.co site

data-config="{'skin':'skins/scmRed/skin.css','volume':11,'autoplay':true,'shuffle':true,'repeat':1,'placement':'top','showplaylist':false,'playlist':[{'title':'Jenny (instrumental) - Studio Killers','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRRV2BHTLCw'},{'title':'Sp00ky Scary Style','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqlHdPlHK_s'},{'title':'The Fresh Prince of Tetris','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVjlx6uClq0'},{'title':'It%27s Not Unusual - Tom Jones','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yca2BCwAnBQ'},{'title':'%u3082%u3046Tetris%u3057%u304B%u306A%u3044%u3058%u3083%u306A%u3044','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbzoJ98LeiA'},{'title':'Eurobeat Brony Discord (LivingTombstone Remix)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPfMb50dsOk'},{'title':'Matryoshka - Miku Hatsune & GUMI','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JGaQ3g8WU4'},{'title':'Matryoshka - Teto & Ritsu and Zebra & Hashiyan mix','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqwODVt78KA'},{'title':'Ib ~ Puppet (Remix) - Neku','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enKopGlI3-0'},{'title':'Ib ~ Dining Room (Remix) - Neku','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GL5-n8sckJk'},{'title':'Barbershop Quartet - God Only Knows - Bioshock Infinite','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1i8QTOV20Y'},{'title':'Witch%27s House - Spool of Thread','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lz1UgIdug1w'},{'title':'Ib - The Little Doll%27s Dream','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAcObE4F7w8'},{'title':'I%27m Just Your Problem (Full Band)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94Tq6iTwXY'},{'title':'OFF - Pepper Steak (extended)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6GD9uZq5kQ'},{'title':'Sonic Adventure 2 Battle - City Escape','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLKVkH8dtWs'},{'title':'HSM -  Bop to the Top','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmMhAMnrJDA'},{'title':'We Are Angels (Anarchy) - PSG','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUsye9G3JBw'},{'title':'Jenny (Cosmicolor 8bit) - Studio Killers','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1p1w0nFgjc'},{'title':'Mad Father Ending Remix - Neku','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yginy2DW1ew'},{'title':'HSM2 - I  Don%27t Dance','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLpMVTBq0M0'},{'title':'HSM2 - Bet On It','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEmbL308FAs'},{'title':'SDR2 - Punishment (Feat. Arcade Rabbit)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPOS1jZRzMw'},{'title':'Lazy Town - Mine Song','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cC1VwD-syQ'},{'title':'Miss Monomi%27s Practice Lesson','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUxRPfzUAqg'},{'title':'Cooking By The Book - Lazy Town feat. Lil%27 Jon','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5tVbVu9Mkg'},{'title':'Guren No Slamiyia ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1Kua48nMdE'},{'title':'Snoop Dogg - Drop it Like it%27s Hot (Kirby Remix)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3FZe5aWUAQ'},{'title':'Live and Slam','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6jbMdWaeXY'},{'title':'Crystalmethequins - Homestuck vol. 9','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8rWfPPrKJ0'},{'title':'Make Her Pay','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SJbq5j3ANM'},{'title':'Prawn Shop [Homestuck Parody]','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvstvbCT_wM'},{'title':'What%27s New Pussycat - Tom Jones','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ga3I5DTIA-E'},{'title':'Kill la Kill - Ragyo Kiryuin Theme [Blumenkranz]','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRivqBxbHRs'},{'title':'Free Real Estate','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmMGKu6_eks'},{'title':'No Reason Boner - NSP','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg'},{'title':'The Almighty Loaf','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSAJCRffjbs'},{'title':'Hello Hello - SeeU','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOoUvtSXspY'},{'title':'Stablefree - Discord Swing Jazz Cover (ft. Replacer)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeXCCk1Mahc'},{'title':'RWBY Theme: From Shadows ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCQ_wTVlNQs'},{'title':'This Will Be The Day - RWBY OP song Full','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHvA8nld8kk'},{'title':'Time To Say Goodbye - RWBY Volume 2 Theme ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdWCLT7kccY'},{'title':'Gal O Slamin ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO4XPHGwdW0'},{'title':'Mystery Skulls - Ghost','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QKtgCFSeXs'},{'title':'RWBY Theme: I Burn','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooyRIEN6pys'},{'title':'Biggie Smalls vs. Thomas The Tank Engine - Machine Gun Tank','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ94C84gOTI'},{'title':'Thomas the Tank Engine Remix - Drop it like it%27s hot (full version)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMQgvv6ngO8'},{'title':'Bioshock OST - Welcome to Rapture','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEFIZh_Zscc'},{'title':'Bioshock OST - Cohen%27s Masterpiece','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlu2z2gkhhI'},{'title':'Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5MWCnKeH2s'},{'title':'Gorillaz - Dare','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yrr7D0eVwQ'},{'title':'Gorillaz-Feel Good Inc.','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJwbbQynhWs'},{'title':'Fallen Angel feat. Aimee B','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBF8uA3UJ6w'},{'title':'Skullbeatz - Silent Hill Promise Reprise Remix','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT8BQlUEt9M'},{'title':'Promise ~Reprise~ (Piano Version) - Silent Hill 2','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LApkHzyKxrw'},{'title':'%22Just Gold%22 Duet MandoPony/PurpleRoselyn','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGpJk3TSUi4'},{'title':'Caffeine - RWBY Volume 2 Soundtrack (By Jeff Williams & Casey Lee Williams feat. Lamar Hall)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrW6JpeRc8Q'},{'title':'Around the World - Daft Punk','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yca6UsllwYs&list=LLzo5dk8Prh40nlcOSlirADQ&index=3'},{'title':'%22STAY CALM%22 - FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY%27S SONG | FNAF |','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2SEfqgxug4&list=LLzo5dk8Prh40nlcOSlirADQ&index=12'},{'title':'ME!ME!ME!%u3010feat. daoko by Teddyloid%u3011','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qXMytm-_sw'},{'title':'Skeleton Man','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU513suJZzY'},{'title':'The Pierces - Kill! Kill! Kill!','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65MlXmYkBJA'},{'title':'Gumi - Ten-Faced','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X17i0K5gc3g'},{'title':'luz - Cherry Hunt','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYQgHT3645k'},{'title':'Candy Store - Heathers Musical','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQOoTX1Nxx8'},{'title':'Creepin Towards The Door (FNAF) - Griffinilla','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFHvamvXXDo&index=10&list=LLzo5dk8Prh40nlcOSlirADQ'},{'title':'Dead Girl Walking - Heathers Musical','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EyDyxGZn_Y&index=3&list=LLzo5dk8Prh40nlcOSlirADQ'},{'title':'Noticed (FNAF) - Mandopony ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gyvHFBa5B0'},{'title':'Roundabout - Yes','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G65pvuTFR_A&index=9&list=LLzo5dk8Prh40nlcOSlirADQ'},{'title':'Spider Dance - Undertale OST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ3XjVVNagU'},{'title':'DM DOKURO - Bonescuffle ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2eYFNSPBU'},{'title':'Bonetrousle - Undertale OST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqzBv3FYpr0'},{'title':'Death by Glamour - Undertale OST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TgO-tN5wAM'},{'title':'Coda - Bloody Stream','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BsSQ-gZ4E8'},{'title':'Gimmie That Swing - Cissie Redgwick','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZlfIlhjD4E'},{'title':'Daft Punk - Television Rules The Nation','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PS_b6TthSGQ'},{'title':'Fall Out Boy - Novocaine','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjtNPyVwMps'},{'title':'JoJo%27s Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders OP %22STAND PROUD%22 ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDHhMI5RVDk'},{'title':'JJBA: Stardust Crusaders -%u300CAkuyaku%u25C7Concerto%u300D','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ephiv5kx7e8'},{'title':'Another Opening ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBXauz12lhA'},{'title':'[Hatsune Miku] Mind Brand','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iql2Dr6j0UI'},{'title':'Dokken - Dream Warriors','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDveKxl7Ohs'},{'title':'%u3010Miku-Tan%u3011 Romeo and Cinderella %u300CEnglish Dub%u300D','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6urw2BKQxY'},{'title':'Caravan Palace - Suzy','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qjomu9K0Xk'},{'title':'Me and Mr Wolf','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrwT3bhRz8M'},{'title':'Below the Surface - Griffinilla','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzG5E2NiZO'},{'title':'The Mangle - Groundbreaking','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o2aA4fHhoo'},{'title':'You Belong Here - JT Machinima ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjXz4O2sRxw'},{'title':'Join Us For a Bite - JT Machinima ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLeQSd7R-jU'},{'title':'Korozashisakae%27s Mysterious Package - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DLNwgYvB2g'},{'title':'Fake or Fate? - Luka Megurine ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQwcctPNMR0'},{'title':'Star of the Show - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqxWndD_w7E'},{'title':'FROOT - Marina and the Diamonds','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_0HIz_4JY'},{'title':'HOUSEWIFE RADIO - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwd7N4QdFAI'},{'title':'I%27m Not My Telephone (Mashup) (Lady Gaga & Christina Aguilera)','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zi5WmfI3LoE'},{'title':'Smoke and Mirrors - Jayne ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5KGbxNTDB8'},{'title':'COLORBARS - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiyPAlZNeCA'},{'title':'BLACK & WHITE - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEaW34tcOvk'},{'title':'When It Falls - Jeff Williams','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTdLRu45sMY'},{'title':'Divide - Jeff Williams ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kXX0asOIJw'},{'title':'My Shot - Hamilton ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VK4Wk_8PbcI'},{'title':'The Room Where It Is - Hamilton ','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWdBOsk8D7A'},{'title':'Slutty Spider Polka Pop - Gooseworx','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC98KuHfvNY'},{'title':'ROTARY DIAL - GHOST','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG2Gp2RWJBg'},{'title':'Drop Pop Candy - JubyPhonic + Rachie','url':'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzf-LbRaemA'}]}" >

[jackywroteabook]

5 Minute Fiction: “SUPERMAN”

{Just a little taste of the writing you can expect in one of my full-length novels, without the sheer number of hours, willpower, & commitment it takes to finish it. All short stories are representative of my writing voice, content, characters, settings, moods, & themes of my general fiction. Enjoy a quick snapshot of the kind of writing a genuine, award-winning Jacquelyn Eubanks Novel™ has to offer. All short stories take approximately 5 minutes or less to read. Like what you read? Buy my books on Amazon (The Last Summer & The Last Time) and follow me on social media (@JackyWroteABook).}

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I remember him in flashbacks. It’s the little things that trigger memories. Last weekend, I was cleaning out his basement and came across a box full of cassette tapes from the nineties. I pulled out each rectangular tape and examined the labels running along the side, noting the bands and album names written in his blocky handwriting, now faded or smudged. One particular tape caught my eye: Crash Test Dummies’ “The Ghosts That Haunt Me”.

           His favorite.

           Tearing through the boxes almost in a mania, I finally uncovered his old stereo system, the one with three CD slots, huge speakers, and two cassette tape places. I plugged it into an outlet and blew the dust off the tape slot, placed the cassette in, clicked the door shut, and pressed ‘play’.

           A sob caught in my throat as the baritone’s voice wafted through the room, crooning to the piano ballad about Superman.

           I close my eyes and am plunged into a memory of sitting in Daddy’s lap, listening to this song while he sings along, my curly red hair tucked under his chin. I can feel his throat vibrate with the notes and his whiskers scratch like sandpaper against my cheek. He smells of cigar smoke and some kind of cologne that I never learned the name of, but he always wore it. I’m no older than three.

           The hot, silent tears slide down my cheeks like that moment when you reach the top of the rollercoaster and the only place you can go is down, down, faster and faster, at such a steep incline that your stomach drops and you feel like you’re falling and suddenly you can’t contain it anymore, and you just scream.

           My father was a man who didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to. His actions spoke volumes.

           We were never rich, but my dad made enough to provide a good life for his family. I remember one Christmas, my family was ready to go on our first real vacation – as in, no tents, sleeping bags, or dehydrated backpacking food. We were going to a ski resort in Montreal, and my sisters and I were so excited to finally see real snow after living in southern Arizona our whole lives. I packed my suitcase full of the essentials days before we had to leave – my stuffed animals, a nightgown with Barbie on it, my blankie, and some Froot Loops – and I was so excited that I could hardly sleep. Two nights before Christmas, Dad called everyone into the living room for a family meeting. He explained that we weren’t going on the trip anymore. He looked somberly down at me and my two little sisters, reached for our mother’s hand, and drew in a breath. He then explained that there are a lot of people less fortunate than us. As simply as possible, he told us that the Bank was going to take away another family’s house if they didn’t pay money.

           “How much money, daddy?”

           “A lot.”

           He explained that rather than go on a trip this Christmas, we were giving the money we would’ve spent on vacation to the Bank so the family, who had little girls just like me, could keep their house.

           He never told us who the family was.

           I never learned how much money he gave them…but, as an adult with a job and children of my own, I can take an educated guess.

           Dad spent decades working for the same company, and he hated it. He told me he’d dreamt of being a jet fighter pilot, but his eyesight was so horrendous that it was impossible. So he settled for a job he didn’t enjoy, and it drained him. Hours upon hours, he labored in a DuPont plant mixing chemicals to create car paint. He couldn’t stand the wrath of his superiors on the corporate end, and he never could get close to his coworkers. He was a natural introvert, yes, but he didn’t associate himself with people who degraded his integrity. The men at his job smoked pot during lunch breaks, blew all their Friday paychecks on hard liquor, and frequently invited him into a prostitute trailer parked behind the factory. He didn’t agree with that lifestyle and was persecuted for it mercilessly. Often, the only companionship he found at work was from the radio, which he listened to while eating lunch in the car.  

           There are things I distinctly inherited from Dad. His passion for politics is a perfect example. I remember nights spent in front of the TV, Tom Brokaw broadcasting the news, my dad and I sharing pita bread and hummus or crackers with canned sardines or smoked oysters. The salty, oily taste of fish in a tin acts as a trigger. During those quiet times spent together, he liked to pass on thoughts and wisdom.

           The only person he ever hated was Bill Clinton. He despised that man, and whenever the president appeared on our screen, Dad would shut the television off in a huff. When I asked him why President Clinton bothered him so much, he just shook his head and uttered, “I can’t respect a man who cheats on his wife. How do you trust someone who lies to the very person they promised to always be faithful to?”

           I never questioned the morality of my dad. He was a righteous man who read the Bible, attended church, and believed that beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  

           He had that exact phrase – it’s a Ben Franklin quote – on a T-shirt. His best friend, Robert, had a shirt to match it. They were closer than brothers, and I remember Uncle Bob was always at our house bearing gifts and pearls of wisdom for us girls. He and Dad joked that the hope of America rested on my shoulders, and that it was my duty to keep my reputation as spotless as possible so I could be president one day. I never forgot their faith in me, long after Uncle Bob waded into the deep end of atheism and then went under, completely submerged and drowning in the bitterness of his refusal to acknowledge a god. We never saw him again, and even though Dad said nothing, I know losing his best friend like that was worse than if he had died.

           Dad’s father died when he was fourteen, and from that moment on he took on the roll of Superman for his mother and brother during their grieving. He loved his father more than words can express, and I knew it; spread throughout my childhood were bits and pieces of Papa, appearing in the forms of a watch Dad always wore, a Free Masons ring, a case full of World War II medals, and a brown leather recliner that he and I always sat in. Dad always loved World War II movies. I never said it aloud, but I always figured those movies helped him feel connected to his father.

           In high school, I was bullied and sexually harassed by a gang of undersexed pubescent boys. Every day I would make up outlandish excuses to stay home, or halfway through the day fake sick and get sent home early. Finally, Dad caught on to what was happening, so he went directly to the principal so the harassment would stop. To our dismay, my sexist principal simply had a chat with each of the boys that consisted of approximately two sentences: “She’s obviously mentally unstable. Just leave her alone and the school won’t have to deal with her problems anymore.” Needless to say, this didn’t help the situation; if anything, it was reassurance to the boys that our principal was on their side, and they could continue torturing me without fear of punishment. That’s when Dad decided to take things into his own hands: he signed me up for taekwondo and taught me everything I needed to know about dealing with assholes. By the time I’d reached a black belt and gotten in two fights at school (both in self-defense, of course), I may not have been well-liked, but at least I was left alone. Dad taught me that I didn’t have to be afraid because all the strength, courage, and confidence I’d ever need was already within me.      

           When I was twelve, I decided that baseball was my favorite sport and I promptly became obsessed with it. In fact, rarely a day went by that I wasn’t glued to the TV, engulfed in a Dodger’s game. I came to know every player, every team, every score, stat, and skill in Major League Baseball. And before I knew it, Dad was joining me. He never, to my recollection, was a baseball fan. But something changed, and all of a sudden he was the one keeping track of scores and standings and waiting for me to join him in watching the game. On my birthday every year, we drove all the way to Los Angeles to watch a Dodger’s game. Just me and him. It was wonderful. On the way home from one of those birthday games, I was falling asleep in the shotgun seat when I heard him whisper, “Thanks, Mack-ster, for reminding me of how much I love baseball.”

           I later learned that baseball was his dad’s favorite sport, and the two of them bonded over listening to Dodgers games on the radio when he was a child. After his father died, his love of baseball died, too.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the same thing happen to me when my dad died. If  he ever died.

To me, Dad was more invincible than Superman. He never showed weakness, but he had a quiet empathy that bred an old-world, gentlemanly air about him. He seemed timeless, and even as the years passed he was consistent in character and looks. That’s why our last Daddy-Daughter Night left me numb and disbelieving, as if reality could not be as frigid as the touch of his words.

It was a Tuesday night. He called me up and suggested we go out to Luigi’s, our favorite Italian restaurant. I met him at our usual booth, situated under a wooden overhang covered in fake grapes hanging from vines. It smelled like tomato sauce, basil and garlic. A basket full of breadsticks sat in front of him on the red-and-white-checkered tablecloth, a dish of olive oil and parmesan cheese next to it. We carried on our usual conversation through the appetizer – calamari – and the salad course – with bleu cheese dressing, like always – when the air thickened with words not yet uttered, suppressed and even withheld. I could sense this cloud suffocating and separating us. There was something he wasn’t telling me, I knew, but I couldn’t reach him through the smog of sensitive silence. Finally, when the waiter delivered our entrees (eggplant parmesan for me, veal parmesan for him), he spoke.

“I’m dying.”

His words made the cloud evaporate so quickly that it created a vacuum, a black hole sucking out every emotion, every word, every thought, every sense until I was left with only shock. The breath caught in my throat, and I could feel my chest tighten with the realization that Superman had a kryptonite: Cancer.

I broke down sobbing within a matter of seconds, the tears flooding my eyes and pouring down my face as if a dam burst, throwing away all lessons he’d given me on “mental toughness”. And, to my absolute horror, he started crying, too.

It was the first – and the last – time I ever saw my father cry.

He died that spring.

And the man who shaped me into the person I am, the legacy he left behind, the impact he made on other lives – they are still a part of me, a part of the world, even though he’s no longer physically here. I feel his presence in objects, in sounds, in scents that trigger memories and bring him back to me intangibly. He did everything he could to leave this world better than he found it. He was the greatest man I ever knew.

The last notes of the song echoed in the basement, spreading a warm, bittersweet wave of nostalgia through my body reverberating in my soul as I hung on to the last line of lyrics:

And sometimes I despair the world will never see another man like him…