#and then i thought ''that sounds like a tumblr shitpost''

[nostalgebraist]

If Pikachu were real, it would not be a very pleasant animal. An enormous mouse that shocks you like an electric eel. I would run from these beasts

[wintvies]

in another lifetime i have all of the clothes i could ever want

[pagesofkenna]

are there any quality recordings of The Tempest online anywhere? I wanna understand that one Decemberists song

[follineo]

UUUUGHGGHGHGHGH,,,,

[emily-mooon]

More 1980s Tumblr!

👩‍🎤starmanss follow

I’m never going to get over the fact that THE DAVID BOWIE and QUEEN made a song together like omg my two faves teaming up to make the ultimate song is awesome!!!!!!!

🔁👨🏻anotheronebitesfollow

OMG SAME BESTIE FREDDIE AND BOWIE STOOD IN THE SAME ROOM AND MADE MUSIC IS SOMETHING THAT ME A FEW YEARS AGO WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED LIKE AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

987k notes

💋robbiesmith follow

I’d like to think I’m a nice person

🔁🏜boysdocry follow

Didn’t you roast a smiths fan so hard they deactivated?

🔁💋robbiesmith follow

New year, new me

🔁🏜boysdocry follow

That was a month ago

🔁💋robbiesmith follow

NEW YEAR NEW ME!

1.8m notes

🌃iancurtisss

OMG WAKE UP JOY DIVISON/NEW ORDER GIRLIES NEW ALBUM JUST DROPPED

ALSO NEW MUSIC VIDEO FOR ATMOSPHERE LIKE IM NOT GOING TO SPOIL ANYTHING BUT IT MADE ME CRY JUST KNOW THAT

🔁🎸hookysbass

FUCK YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!

GONNA GO WATCH IT NOW AND ILL LET YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL AFTERWARDS

🔁🎸hookysbass

Update: I cried. Like full on sobs. Haven’t done that in years since

🔁💐new-bernie

Same guys same. I’m a mess

🔁🛤stephmorriss

I’m still crying at that last bit

🔁🌃iancurtisss

DONT REMIND ME STEPH😭😭😭😭😭

🔁🧛🏻belalugosifucks follow

Do you all want a hug? Especially @hookysbass cause girl what happened

🔁🎸hookysbass

Ian’s death happened

9k notes

🪨combatrocks follow

CLASHIES! REMEMBER WHEN JOE WENT MISSING BEFORE THEIR UK TOUR IN 82? YEAH GUESS WHAT THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO TODAY

🔁📻thisisradioclash follow

YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT THOSE LONG AND GRUELLING THREE WEEKS HAPPENED THAT LONG AGO

YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT THE TWEET THAT BROKE US IS THREE YEARS OLD NOW?!

i think I’m going to throw up

🔁🥊ifoughtthelaw follow

Show a Clash Stan this and they will tell you their deepest darkest secret

🔁🪨combatrocks follow

STOP PLEASE NO MORE

🔁 🔥londonsburning follow

Hey guys guess how long it’s been now:

6 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!

967k notes

💋robbiesmith follow

I want this man to kiss me passionately on the mouth:

🔁🕸 spellbndgrrl follow

Well I want her to step on me:

Yeah break my back with those black leather heeled boots 😍😍😍😍😍

91.5k notes

🌕killingmoon follow

It’s always Robert Smith this and George Michael that, but where is the respect for the incredibly strange boys?

🔁🐶campervanlassie follow

THIS OMG WHERES THE LOVE FOR MY BOYS? CAMPER😤VAN😤BEETHOVEN!!!!!!!!!

🔁🐁talking-rats

It’s been years since I last heard the name David Byrne spoken on these hallowed grounds. He was once the king for us weridos but now he’s not and it makes me sad. Miss seeing that loser in his big suit everywhere on my dash

25 notes

(Prev fake dash)

[thespianwordnerd]

Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes? In THIS economy?

[httpsserene]

𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 “𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤”𝐞𝐝 - 𝐨𝐩. 𝟖𝟏

𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: oscar’s girlfriend is feral on main. 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: crack. this is a shitpost, you have been warned. uh this is completely unrealistic, it’s pure vibes okay. this is not an accurate representation of those mentioned. 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴: oscar piastri x fem!black!reader 𝗴𝗲𝗻���𝗲: smau.

𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲: i wouldn’t consider myself an oscar girlie but then,,, i opened tumblr and saw the photos of oscar from when he went karting and um…now have another op 81 mess of a smau! this is completely unserious and it’s inspired by the nefarious actions i would do to oscar’s biceps. inspired by @dwarvenchords and @hookhausenschips ‘s reblog lol. it’s short but, enjoy, loves xxx.

insp. 1 | insp. 2 | taglist | feedback & requests | table of contents ↻

instagram

yninstagram • february 28th

view replies

oscarpiastri: love…you couldn’t even save this for the close friends stories? you had to post it on main yninstagram: did you like my joke? oscar “jack”ed piastri LOL im so clever oscarpiastri: ijbol 😐 yninstagram: i’d be pressed but ur muscles are distracting me oscarpiastri: u should cmere and give them a kiss :)

lilymhe: he let u tie a bow around his bicep?!!! omfg i have to do this with alex yninstagram: i don’t think alex has enough muscles to meet the requirement for the bow :/

landonorris: he’s such a simp landonorris: i would never let my girlfriend tie a bow on me 🥱 yninstagram: step 1: have a girlfriend

logansargeant: your freak out on twitter had a slight mentally-ill aura yninstagram: shut the fuck up and get on a podium before you talk to me yninstagram: gangly bitch + not funny didn’t laugh + L

instagram

yninstagram • february 28th • in between my boyfriends tiddies ⚑

liked by, oscarpiastri, mclaren, logansargeant, markwebber, and 1,223,458 others

yninstagram: things to do with your boyfriends muscles; listed in the comments below (a huge thanks to the toto user on twt for FINALLY sending me the photo)

tagged oscarpiastri

view comments

yninstagram 1. tie a bow around them (completed)

➥ user thx for sharing the photo

➥ user FUCK! I CAN’T FIND A PIECE OF PAPER TO WRITE THIS ON

yninstagram 2. kiss them (completed)

➥ user awh how cute! going to nap on the interstate rq

➥ user wait for me!

➥ user omg slumberpartyyyyy

yninstagram 3. touch them (completed)

➥ markwebber there’s a time i thought you were a normal girl

➥ yninstagram who told you to think that??

user i know those arms are rock solid 🥴🤤

user i’m the toto user on twitter !!! she did not kill me y’all !!!

➥ user u were flirting with death babes

➥ user i would not have admitted to this under her post

➥ user you should seek witness protection 🙏🏾

yninstagram 4. have him suffocate you with them (he said no)

➥ oscarpiastri WHY DID YOU INCLUDE THIS ONE

➥ logansargeant i think you’re proving the mentally-ill part y/n

➥ yninstagram u sound jealous logan

➥ user personally, i think if you didn’t want her to say that, you shouldn’t have muscles @/oscarpiastri

➥ oscarpiastri oh! yeah! why didn’t i think of that—lemme just take them off rq 😐 WTH

yninstagram 5. wall sex (?)

➥ oscarpiastri i specifically said not to say #4 and #5 in public

➥ user the question mark is SENDING MEEEEE

➥ yninstagram i mean, i can tell you that he didn’t say no to this one 😈 @/user

➥ landonorris i did not want to see this when i opened ig

➥ yninstagram do us all a favor then and delete ur account x

➥ oscarpiastri what she said^

➥ landonorris :o -> :(

yninstagram 6. draw on them (in progress)

➥ user wait this one is actually cute 🤭

➥ oscarpiastri watching the pure concentration on her face is adorable

➥ user omg she’s so 👉🏼👈🏼 coded

➥ oscarpiastri it tickles lol

➥ yninstagram ur moving around too much

➥ yninstagram might have to tie you to the headboard 😏

➥ user and she’s back on her bs

yninstagram 7. watch him flex for you (ongoing indefinitely)

➥ mclaren do we have your permission to post oscar thirst traps now?

➥ yninstagram i’m sure we could work out something mutually beneficial

oscarpiastri • february 28th • my girl’s basement ⚑

liked by yninstagram, danielricciardo, logansargeant, landonorris, and 1,478,539 others

oscarpiastri she knocked out on my chest halfway through drawing on me. didn’t know this was part of the boyfriend job description, felt like there was some false adverting. overall: 12/10 experience, will be doing this again.

view comments

danielricciardo didn’t know where this was going for a sec but fuck you guys are so cute 🥹

➥ oscarpiastri thank you? i guess

➥ user oh to have my relationship praised by danny ric

➥ user girl ur man responds to your texts two days late

➥ user DAMN u didn’t have to air out my business like thatttt

user WHAT DID SHE USE TO DRAW ON YOU OSCAR??? HELP A GIRL OUT

➥ oscarpiastri its liquid eyeliner 🫡

➥ oscarpiastri she used an eyeshadow palette when she wanted to add colors

➥ user why did i never think of that, she’s so smarttttt

user oscar piastri the MAN that u AREEEE

logansargeant so,,,,are we still getting dinner later orrrrr

➥ user LOL

➥ user omg y/n was right logan IS jealous

➥ logansargeant im not jealous !!!!

➥ user 💀

➥ user okayyyy….we believe you LMAOOOOO

➥ oscarpiastri ijbol 😂

➥ logansargeant stop using ijbol it’s not funny

➥ user this will be the only time that i say i agree with logan on something

➥ logansargeant ur literally a fan account FOR ME?? @/user

➥ user yeah man u didn’t have to bring that up 😒

taglist: @saintslewis @cherry2stems @lorarri @inloveallthetime @mindless-rock @biancathecool @barnestatic @my-ylenia @katekipshidze @darleneslane @lovingaphroditesworld @smoothopz @vetteltea @tallrock35 @iloveyou3000morgan @smartstupyd @spideybv28 @loomiscorpse @hiireadstuff

© httpsserene2023

[glitter-stained]

A psychoanalytical reading of Lost Days and Under the Hood, because I hate myself and hate Freud even more

*bracing myself to talk shit* Okay, let's do this. Last warning to back off if you like psychoanalysis or even have a nuanced take on this. This is the graveyard where nuance comes to die.

First thing first, this is not intended to be an attack on Judd Winick: I do not know if he has actually read anything on psychoanalysis, and though it would make so much sense if it were intentional, it could totally be that Winick had passing knowledge of psychoanalysis from a source similar to one my short-form tumblr shitposts and other general pop culture information, thought "huh, neat, I always thought manipulative hot MILF Talia was a cool concept" and ran with it. Or that any other thought process went into it. I am extremely critical of the decisions he has made in his portrayal of mental illness and Talia specifically, but I'm not gonna criticise him on the assumption that it was psychoanalytical. I say this because the rest of this post is gonna sound like I think it was on purpose: I think it could, but I don't think I have enough knowledge about Judd Winick and enough clarity in the text to be crystal clear that this is what directed his writing (unless I missed one Easter egg in the back of an image, that would be very fun.) I'm also not gonna make fun of Winick for writing psychoanalysis fiction if he did do it on purpose, because so did I when I was a misguided highschooler, and many therapists have not gotten past that phase despite dedicating their life to it so there's no judgement on that part. With that being said, I think it's a super valid reading, so let's talk about this. Also, I'll talk a lot about Freud because he's the founding father of this shit, but there are many other psychoanalysts who came after him, all putting their own brick in the wall; all of them are wrong, but many are more moderate and do not have the extraordinary audacity of the first culprit.

[stolentrekblr]

Trekblr Community Reaction

I have wanted to compile reactions from the community for a while now, and today I finally made it happen. I have not editorialized anything, doing my best to copy reactions as written. Without further ado:

i love accs like this and the people behind them. the dedication to search for stuff like this and bring it home. sounds absolutely maddening and i salute them. to sift through garbage theft accs… doing the lords work

idk if i should feel honored or not, at least my username is there lol. this is very funny to me. like i dont even use facebook anymore

Omg they erased the last sentence. Lmao. I mean if you’re gonna steal my posts at least include the entire thing. It’s literally the least you could do

chat should we kill them?

OMGOD IVE MADE IT!!! this is crazy because i feel like my dad might actually see my star trek posts LMFAO. he's always on there. this is a big moment

I don't have a problem with reposts of my stuff if the watermark/username is included, but I appreciate the spirit of what you're doing

Nice sentiment but i really don't want people on facebook to have a link to my tumblr blog. thank god it's uncredited... been around a while my posts are always being stolen

The person Im thinking of flat out took OC memes from me and passed off my captions as his own. He gave me credit once from what I've seen and then the other times it looks like he made it up himself. I'm all for tossing memes out there and letting them be wild and free, but this guy twists it and uses it to beg for money on his page. He's got the lobes.

Why did they censor my pfp but not my username WHAT

damn. ig im famous now. better start lining up for autographs

People are posting me to Facebook???????

Damn... I'm not even mad about this tbh... someone thought my stupid post was good enough to steal and put on a facebook group 🤣🤣

disgusting

?!?!??!??!??!??!?!!!??!?

You know what I'm ok with Facebook enjoying this one I appreciate it being edited over them

This has never happened to me before

I honestly don’t mind seeing screen shots of my posts showing up elsewhere, it’s inevitable, but the nature of a screenshot shows the source of the post as well as the OP. But this crap is blatant plagiarism. Obviously this person is on tumblr, so I hope they see this. Please do better and have a smidgeon of integrity. Just give credit? It’s really not difficult? Thanks @stolentrekblr for the effort here.

Yooooo this is wild! Glad people like it I guess

This one ALMOST gives credit. But not quite. Could’ve just typed my handle in the post 🤷‍♀️ super easy, barely an inconvenience.

Come on... Just type "credit: *tumblr handle of the OP*" It's so easy not to be a spineless thief.

The watermark 🙄🙄

keep doing your thing op. you're like an archeologist but instead of screaming about how it belongs in a museum you are adamantly making sure people know where these things came from. i can't even fucking imagine the searching you have to do to find these posts. earlier today i couldn't find a post i had seen yesterday. keep it up!

I tracked down a post of mine that you found reposted on the data FB page, and left them a comment. "Hey look, its my post! didn't even crop out my tumblr url lmao. it was much more popular on my blog tho (1,817. notes)" They did not respond. 😒 It only got 344 reactions and 6 comments on the data page though... that page has like 38k followers... at least my posts do well when I post them myself on the Star Trek Shitposting page 🤣

I've made it. I have arrived. I got my 5 second shitpost lifted and put on another social media site, complete with a hazy photo overlay. I have won at Tumblr. I can rest now. I can rest.

Ohh yeah, this guy's a real loser. It's the WATERMARK for me 🙄

The HUBRIS!

ahh wow Ive never had a post escape containment before!! did they at least link back?

I am touched ^-^

plagiarism is the real problem. it gets worse when you see someone profit off the passions of other people in a fandom

well damn. and i'm here looking for employment...

sad to see someone else repost on fb and even watermark it. seriously what is up with the watermark over a screenshot of a tumblr post

Yeah. I think you're doing good work. I think exploitation is so baked into society that some people don't even realize when they are using the free labor of others for their own gain.

[velvetvexations]

Since we're talking about forcefem, here're most of the forcefem-related asks I've had in my inbox, some of which are a few days old on account of technically going in the vexatious tag if not exactly kink asks. I wanted to answer one from today on it's own which I'll get to later but I wanted to get to the older ones and also get to a few of the others from today while I was at it.

i just saw a post where a trans guy was showing some messages where someone was (unconsensually) basically roleplaying forcefemming him. despite him telling them that he did not want that and that it was very much transphobic, and he atill got a message boiling down to "you're not a man, silly, you're a girl :D" and. to be honest. this was the thing that stopped the brainworms of "what if the whole concept of transandrophobia is actually transmisogynistic and i am entirely wrong" bc at least some of these people will just say the most bog standard transphobic shit to trans guys and not register it as transphobia. so why the fuck would they be right about anything transmascs experience also on that note thank you for being so outspoken in favour of transmascs getting to discuss their oppression. it's really helpful to see trans women stand with us here, especially when it comes to aforementioned brainworms

congratulations to that transphobe for creating a new transandrobro

the 'forcemasc isnt revolutionary' shit is the most annoying iteration of stupid tumblr discourse. like im going through the tag trying to read some horny shit and oh look. theres someone being stupid and hypocritical. in my horny tag.

people are getting tribalist about kinks and it's depressing

Every time people are saying that trans men & mascs cannot possibly fathom being objectified & fetishized, I think on all of the posts I’ve seen that did that exact same thing. And yeah, some of it might have been kink, so no hate no judgement I dabble in that tag too, but I’ve also seen “get in the dress” type posts that seem to be genuinely calling for trans men to be more feminine, untagged & in the wild, enough where I’m like — am I just imagining this? Like am I crazy? Am I missing something, or was that extremely detailed post about why I MUST stay feminine — or become more — for someone else’s benefit being 100% serious? And, again — if it’s kink, all the power to them, I love that for them, I even occasionally love that for me. But I have encountered enough people who were dead serious that I sometimes want no one but trusted friends & advisors to ever witness me again. And then I look at statistics & feel genuinely ill. And yeah, I’m gnc — and there’s the rub, because while I feel genuine joy being fem as well as masc, I want it to be a Choice, not something forced upon me.

people need to be fucking normal

Yh like ik a lot of shitposts don't have any tags but people have. Really gotta tag forcefem. I've blocked a large amount of people making these jokes + filtered their names n I still see it

I'm sorry, anon. <3

Fuck thank you so much for talking so openly about forcemasc. I’m so dumb I thought there wasn’t a name for that kink that I’ve been into for years, albeit my version is way more weirder. It would be like a… forcemascfem??? Like first it’s forcemasc and then it turns into forcefem and then right back to forcemasc…. And then back to- Idk my gender is weird and my kinky fantasy for that is weird

Cross as many boundries as you want, that sounds rad. Forcefem has a lot of infrastructure to jump off of.

“I’m doing a kink in a non kink way so it’s not kink blog!” Sorry this pisses me off It’s still a kink. Like. If someone made an I-suggest-BDSM blog and tried to claim it wasn’t a kink blog I’m sure more people would see how silly this is but because it’s the transfem approved virtuous forcefem they just let it slide??? Like. You are engaging in a kink and thats fine. You can say there won’t be anything explicitly sexual! But it will still be a kink blog because it’s a blog about a kink! A kink blog if you will! It doesn’t matter if you’re not getting off to it, it’s still a kink! That you are participating in! On your blog about that kink!

It SHOULD piss you off! It's extremely fucking scummy!

what the hell? for like one solid minute(longer than that but i like saying it this way) all the forcefem on my dash was tagged and i could blissfully not have to see it every other post and then just today i had to unfollow a buncha people for an assload of untagged forcefem :/ like im transmasc i think its understandable that i do not wish to see that anyway hope your day is goin well miss velvet

yeah it's praxis to not tag kink anymore

trfs are perfectly aware what the "force" bit means when forcemasc comes up in conversation

strange how that works

[malleusmaleficent]

took a look at thorfinn karlsefni stuff here on tumblr just for funsies (vinland saga is peak btw go watch/read it) and i was pretty stunned at the differences between the sorts of stuff people make for thorfinn vs. the sorts of stuff people make for killua zoldyck of HxH

because their arcs are insanely similar right? children that became murderers against their will, became jaded and definitely sort of insane to cope with it, eventually sobers up and decides to change into a kinder and more caring person

like it's nearly a 1:1 comparison, broadly speaking

but all the fan content for killua is cutesy stuff with the odd thoughtful character study here and there and occasionally a few shit posts (dont mean to sound demeaning here i love cutesy HxH shit im just autistic and too tired to find a better way of putting this)

for thorfinn though like half of it is shitposts and like another 30% of it are sober reflections on his character

one has to ask why

i imagine it comes down to a few things:

1. packaging- we the audience are explicitly shown again and again that killua is cute and childlike, while for thorfinn it's always portrayed as explicitly negative and deeply troubling

2. target audiences- chances are the sorts of people interested in making cute stuff of their favorite characters are not as likely to check out vinland saga as they are HxH

3. maybe some other thing idk im tired, if you can think of another reason why that might be lmk cause i do think it's interesting

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

reposting one i read on reddit that got removed but i just need to know what tumblr thinks:

AITA for finishing in my girlfriend during the full moon, thinking it was not possible for her to be fertile?

I know the title sounds weird, but I promise this isn't a shitpost, metaphor, or a joke. I (20M) was raised by a single dad, never knew my mom who left me as a baby, and growing up I didn't really have many female (or male, tbh) friends.

The reason I say this is that I don't know all that much about female anatomy; yes, I had sex ed in school, but seriously don't remember anything except "wear a condom", basically.

I met my girlfriend "Beth" (21F) in college and she's the best. It's my first relationship, her second. We've been together for a little more than a year now, and had sex for the first time about half a year ago. After the first couple times, Beth told me that she has a really regular and average period that she's been keeping track of with an app since she was literally 14, plus in the last few years she also started taking her temperature to get even more accurate results; I didn't understand exactly how this works, but she was so reassuring and confident I didn't question it.

Ok, now this is where I might start sounding like an idiot... So she told me her period is an extremely regular 28 days, and she has literally only strayed from this pattern once since she was 14. I also am aware that moon cycles are 28 days. (Correction here: since this incident, I Googled and it's actually about 29 days... but that's besides the point I guess.)

Women tend to be associated with the moon, like Artemis; I truly, deeply believed that the moon phases and all women's menstrual cycles were inherently connected, but just like, different women had their more fertile days with full moons whereas for some it corresponds to a different moon phase, like the new moon, and this is why women differed.

So the reason Beth told me about her period being super regular is that she was confident she knew when she was or was not fertile, and told me she wanted me to finish in her on safe days. We've been having sex like this for the last four months where she tells me the window of time she's safe, she's happy, I'm happy, it's working fine.

I started noticing that the moon tends to be really full and bright every time we have unprotected sex, maybe not necessarily always on a "true" full moon, but definitely around that time. I made a mental note that my girlfriend is a "fertile during a new moon (when you can't see the moon)" sort of girl. If you're wondering why I never just outright asked her about this, it just seemed really obvious to me and I didn't see the point in talking to her about something potentially a little embarrassing for no reason.

June 3rd was the most recent true full moon, and I decided to sort of surprise her by inviting her to my apartment and just pouncing on her wordlessly as soon as she came in. She was into it, we had sex, I finished inside her, she didn't complain or stop me at all.

While cooling off, she remarked that she didn't remember telling me about her safe days in a while, so I must be tracking her period, which she actually thought was sweet lol. I said, "well of course it's a safe day, the moon is so bright". She asked me what I meant, and I said something like "I know you can't possibly get pregnant during a full moon".

She seemed really confused and started getting a bit tense, questioning me more, and I, also confused, started explaining to her about the moon cycle thing I fully believed up until that moment.

This is where she freaked out completely, jumped up and asked me if I was a complete moron. She started yelling at me and freaking out about how insane and irresponsible I was for finishing in her. I was truly shocked I had no idea what to say, especially because it WAS still truly a safe day, but she actually just grabbed her stuff and stormed off before I could do anything.

Well, after she left I googled a bunch of stuff and yep, turns out I'm completely incorrect. That being said, it WAS still a safe day for Beth and she wasn't actually upset about me finishing in her or anything, just the reason I did, I guess. So, AITA?

So generally I don't want to rerun posts from reddit unless it's your own story, but we'll make an exception just this once

What are these acronyms?

[serendipnpipity]

My name’s Phil Lester thankfully not Mo It’s finally time to make my diss track yo You thought I was too innocent to roast myself? Well watch out bitch This might be bad for your health

A Youtube dinosaur His channel older than your mum He’s so insanely clumsy Always falling on his bum Some people think he’s weird Cause he doesn’t like cheeses He’s so frickin' pale You’d think the sun gave him diseases

His name’s AmazingPhil (What?) Why’s he so great? (Dunno) For ten years he had hair From 2008 All that time Hiding behind a fringe And on top of all that He’s secretly a ginge

You quiffed it up What is this a rebrand? If you didn’t dye it black You’d be totally bland And innocent whatever Wait till you're in private Your mouth’s so dirty You sound like a pirate

Hey you say you’re an angel You know that’s a lie You just don’t want to get Demonetised Your vids are so sweet You can’t even say crap I bet you’d even censor A swear in this rap

You look like a badly photoshopped Benedict Cumberbatch And I realize nothing rhymes with Cumberbatch So I guess this verse doesn’t rhyme

(Okay, this is terrible, I'm out, bye)

I’d better get going And end the bants I murdered this beat Like I murder houseplants If you can’t keep a cactus Why’d you want a dog? I’d give it three weeks Until the funeral vlog

Don’t get me started on that guy called Dan The only reason I’m here is people ship phan More followers than me I’m living in his shadow Next thing you’ll know He’ll be playing the piano

EMMMMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okok lemme see if i can do dan's without looking now:

a month without uploading, he comes back with a tag that no one even tagged him in, he's not a challenge to drag so prepare for an attack (and by that I mean cringe) cuz this mfer's boutta get DRAGGED BY HIS FRINGE

first things first, you're freakishly tall it's weird, you look like a noodle you've got hair that was cool in 2007 and wet you just look like a poodle just throw in an annoying posh voice and... yup, that's dan! you're what would happen if winnie the pooh f*cked slenderman!

you procrastinate making videos 'cause being judged is scary you're so close to being irrelevant the hate's imaginary! the only reason you get views is you're another white guy that people ship with his friend 'cuz they think it's ~kawaii~!!

reasons why dan's a fail---YAY!

you never tweet, you overeat, all you do is cry and sleep, your jokes are shitposts and memes with no originality, your family's sad you dropped your law degree at university, and anything embarrasing about yourself you just delete. you were a vegan for what, three weeks before you missed the meat? wow, i'm so impressed by your clear moral integrity. try so hard to be peaceful and diplomatic but can't make toast without tumblr saying you're problematic

*deep inhale* I could go on, there's more if I check. there's more things on this list... than chins on your neck!

your celebrity crush was JLaw, but now it's Evan P, what the fuck even is your sexuality? it's hard to put you in a box when you keep it so blurry, i think it's just to hide that you're secretly a FURRY.

woah now, that went deep. repress it? yup! before I start crying, let's wrap this shit up.

i'm gonna go and masturbate, then cry into a slice of pizza, shoutout to the other youtubers, especially Ryan Higa a cringe compilation mixed with cultural appropriation met with no depreciation, it's the youtube nation.

click SUBSCRIBE if you wanna watch 4 videos a year (ha) to see my last one (from ten years ago) just click over here something something, you can call me a liar 'cause you just witnessed the roast of danisnotonfire

[explosion noises]

[bakingrecipe]

You self-important little existential crisis in human form, let’s get one thing straight—you are not a hater, you’re just chronically online. just read you stupid ass piece about friendship on substack and didn’t take me long to find your loser lair. you write like it’s some sacred blood oath, as if being your friend requires signing a legally binding contract that says “I will text or oh no back within five minutes or she will spiral into an essay about emotional labor.” You are like a emo overcooked rotisserie chicken, Lets cut to the chase it is no surprise that you are at the end of the day a tumblr girl with daddy issues and a wannbe god complex. every single thing you write sounds like it belongs on a vintage blog titled softboi musings & melancholia, but instead of depth, it’s just pure, unfiltered main character syndrome. Likeeeee queen, be honest, do you think in lowercase?

Your entire personality is built around feeling things too deeply, but sweetie, no one is persecuting you except your own WiFi connection. Girl, you are not perceiving—you are hallucinating. It’s giving social paranoia with a side of victim complex. At this point, your Notes app must be 80% unsent paragraphs and 20% “how can i make this about me” crises. The way you throw around words like “recharge” when you really just mean disappearing for weeks to brood in the shadows like you’re the protagonist of an indie film nobody asked for? BFFR. Logging off is not a spiritual journey, it’s just not answering people. You say “shitposting on Tumblr again might fix me.” Be so for real. NOTHING is fixing you. You are held together by vibes and an extensive collection of niche internet memes. At this point, if someone handed you stability, you’d drop it just so you could write a 1,500-word essay on how security is a cage and pain makes art.

You are a person who spends entire afternoons curating the perfect sad playlist instead of just going to therapy. You have never let a thought sit quietly in your head without trying to turn it into a moody one-liner. You don’t need healing Close the Notes app. Step outside. Touch the grass. And not as a metaphor.

[swordsonnet]

okay i lied, i am going to be talking spoilers (because i have no self-control, and i've seen other people share spoilers in the magnus protocol tag, so i assume it's fine?). assorted rambling thoughts on the premiere under the cut:

-ngl "rusty quill presents... the magnus protocol" made me so emotional

-ah yes, a civil service data entry job that has you working night shifts for no discernible reason. that's not ominous at all

-i love the new characters already! they all have such interesting personalities and relationships with each other, can't wait to see how they'll be developed in further episodes. colin is probably my favourite so far, we stan a grumpy IT guy

-speaking of colin, i'm glad we've got a scottish character this time! i love TMA to bits, but it had a lamentable lack of scottish accents

-alice is so much fun as well! i love how jonny described her as a "tumblr shitposter par excellence"

-sam is such a sweet guy, but i'm sure he'll be introduced to The Horrors™ soon enough... although maybe he already was! he seemed to be familiar with the magnus institute, and just like the trailer, this episode also hinted at something traumatic in his past that led him to join the OIAR. probably something to do with those dubiously ethical child psychology experiments...

-i hadn't even considered what OIAR would sound like spoken out loud, and it's so awkward lmao. really doesn't roll off the tongue

-i kinda ship alice and gwen now tbh. i'm getting prime "workplace nemeses to lovers" vibes from them

-okay, let's address the thing everyone's probably thinking about: i'm not sure how to feel about jon and martin's - sorry, chester and neil's - involvement in protocol. (i mean, it's not 100% confirmed that it is jon and martin, but it seems pretty likely.) like i've said before, i would have preferred to keep the ambiguity of their original ending, but on the other hand, this could be shaping up to be a really interesting plotline. plus, y'know, i've gotten pretty emotionally attached to these characters (*gestures vaguely at my ao3*), so i wouldn't be opposed to seeing them again!

-i guess the guy alice nicknamed augustus is going to be jonah magnus, then? that idea is just so funny to me. imagine being trapped in a computer with your boyfriend (who stabbed you) and your evil boss (whom you stabbed)

-i really like the vibe of the new "statements"! i particularly enjoyed the forum entries, i always appreciate the use of unique formats to tell a story. it reminds me a little of analogue horror, though of course it's the exact opposite of analogue - you could call it digital horror, i suppose? anyway, much as i loved the more traditional horror story structure of the TMA statements, i think it's super exciting that they're branching out and trying new things with protocol. looking forward to see what else they'll come up with!

[hellsite-hall-of-fame]

I think you should actually start a blog along with this heritage one where you'd just post what's on your mind or maybe one where you'd post about what you think while reblogging posts as heritage posts like what actually goes on in your mind while you're deciding on it. Idk.. Again ik it sounds dumb but wouldn't it be better to know what's the person behind this huge blog thinks about the reblogs on this blog. I hope what I'm writing isn't unintelligible because idk it's a bit difficult for me to put it in words but I hope you get I mean.

And.. I really didn't think you'd answer that 'someone from tumblr management' ask but I'm glad you did. And I think you rarely put your own opinions and thoughts attached with those heritage posts. So I just thought..idk.

oooh I know exactly what you mean, and that’d be such a cool idea! logistically tho idk how it’d work out, because I think you highly overestimate how many people would follow a blog where I just talk and share opinions lol

and I feel like the reason why this blog gets so much interaction is because I have 3 audiences - people here for hall of fame posts, people here for shitpost asks, and people here for both. and a blog that’s just about my opinions might cut out that first audience, and then also make this blog have less content for the second audience…. if that makes sense??

huh but idk, actual question- would anyone follow a blog where I post about my thoughts on hall of fame posts, about Tumblr in general, and (hopefully even more so than here) deranged and cursed asks?? like it’d be fun but idk if anyone would follow it lol