#and then i became self conscious about my weight and didn't want to be seen on the beach wearing a swimsuit

[lumioluna]

if i think about my relationship with the sea it really encapsulates, with so much accuracy, everything i've been going through in life. and maybe it's because i grew up in front of the ocean before moving to a city far from it, so maybe it really left a mark on me, but it seems like everything that happens to me changes my feelings and relationship to it. i should journal about this.

[tcustodisart]

Connecticut Tav | Wood Half-Elf | Beast Master Ranger

So, this is my sheet for @bareee's @tav-dex. Went a little overboard and made a whole ass character sheet (man the last time I made one of those was so long ago). I want to write something about my cringe boy so. Buckle up because it's going to be long and poorly written (I suck at writing).

One edit because I'm a dummy, his alignment is neutral good not true neutral idk why I did that.

He was born and raised in his mom's and step-dad's tavern called Crow's Perch (not as fancy as Elf Song but in a different category as Blushing Mermaid)(the tavern thing is just for the sake of a joke that the most popular drink they serve is called 'Connecticut Water'). He has an older brother, who's a bard. Despite the description for Urchin background ("After surviving a poor and bleak childhood") he had a happy childhood, filled with love and support. The two brothers treated the whole Lower City as their playground: breaking into places just for fun, pick pocketing nobles, climbing Wyrm's Rock Fortress etc.

His love for beasts and creatures of any kind comes from the stories told by his step-dad (both him and Tav's mom are retired adventurers). Step dad was the one who told Tav about Darkmaw the Wicked *wink wink*.

At one point he got tired of the city life and decided he wanted to become a ranger. After successfully fulfilling some contracts he became so confident of his skills he tried to build a trap all by his own. The trap exploded right into his face (he himself has no idea how it didn't kill him or damaged his eyes). After that he was sulking in his hunting hut for a month. The experience humbled the boy. Most of his adventuring prior to the nautiloid could just be boiled down to hanging around one village and talking local boars out of destroying potato fields, and occasionally getting rid of poachers.

Before the abduction he was on his way to Baldur's Gate to see his family (which he hasn't seen in months).

Trivia (because it's easier to write stuff this way):

His hair started to go grey at the start of Act 3 from the weight of responsibility and stress.

In Act 1 he was corresponding with his family thanks to Faust. After entering The Underdark he stopped sending letters (In Underdark because it would be hard, in Act 2 because he didn't want the bird to be killed by Shadow Curse).

Despite being close to his family in Act 3, he didn't visit them or send any messages in fear that Gortash and/or Orin would hurt them.

He carries with him a razor and some fancy oils for his beard.

His brother wrote one ballad about him, soon after that Tav forbid him from writing more (it was very much not accurate).

His step-dad taught him how to fight with a sword, while his mom taught him archery and the art of stealth.

Tav's biological father died when he was very young so he has barely any memory of him.

Tav's a walking Merlin app, he can identify any bird by just listening to it.

He loves climbing trees. Either to rest on a branch or to scout the surroundings.

He loves picking up herbs and making potions.

Despite growing up in a tavern he's not much of a drinker.

He's very self-conscious about his height and chest-to-belly area. He tries his best not to show it.

At one point he was persona non grata at Sharess' Caress.

He enjoys fishing.

Sir Daisy Dewdrop Fluffington is a name of his childhood plush.

He knows how to play lanceboard (he often plays against Gale and tries to teach it to Wyll).

He draws in his journal. He drew all of his companions at least once.

He almost cried when Jaheira called him 'cub' and almost called her 'mom' in response.

He's scared of Lae'zel. But tries his best to understand and help her.

He had countless heart-to-hearts with Karlach.

In his journal he described Astarion as 'his equal on the battlefield'.

[mageofseven]

I’m sure you’re sick of these types of requests atp, but after learning you’re also a poly dialuci fan I can’t not request a surprise birth story for them together/combined 😭🙌

Omg I swear y'all either have the worst case of baby fever or just love baby drama 😂

But no worries! Honestly, these are one of my favorite posts to write because I too love this kind of drama hehe~

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Okay, these two men had zero clue MC could be pregnant.

This triad more or less was in agreement that babies were not something they needed at this time.

I mean, the triad only just hit their 1st year anniversary

Which, coincidentally enough, was the night MC conceived.

Neither of the three knew this because they always used protection with MC, almost to a religious degree.

All it took was one overzealous redhead on script duty with bad handwriting to mess it all up though 😅

Reminder that they use runes on MC as a form of birth control and the men take turns on being the scripter

The first time they could have discovered the pregnancy was when her morning sickness hit her hard.

Problem? It also hit her around the time MC accidentally ate some demon food that wasn't human safe 😅

It was a food MC had never seen before and since she has been in the Devildom for so long and was so used to eating weird food, it had never accord to her to be cautious.

Oh boy was Lucifer upset.

He chastised his girlfriend, but was still the one to hold her hair back as she puked.

Dia just laughed it off, somewhat anxious.

I mean, the food she ate wasn't going to harm her, but it commonly made humans have intense nausea and make them puke for weeks as their body tried to rid itself of the foreign toxin.

Lucifer wanted her to see to a see a doctor, but MC refused.

She loved her boyfriends, but they were so protective that it was exhausting; Lucifer especially so since his protectiveness was also paired with his stubbornness.

Some days it felt like Lucifer would make her see a doctor for a freaking paper cut if she'd let him.

Though also worried about his Queen, the redhead accepted her decision and persuaded Lucifer to do the same.

However, he did remind her that she could change her mind at any time.

She didn't though and honestly, MC will regret that decision every time she thinks back on it.

With the end of her nausea came cravings and a big appetite. The three just assumed that after weeks of not being able to eat much that her body was catching up for lost time.

As her belly grew, MC grew more and more self conscious as well.

She had less 'intimate time' with her boyfriends and would hide her belly under baggy shirts.

Honestly, the woman started getting really depressed about her rapidly changing figure.

The two men were worried about the weight gain too, but only because it upset their girlfriend so greatly.

This was a period of a comforting for this triad. The two men put aside work more and more to comfort their depressed human.

The two men showered her in gifts, took her on more dates outside the house since she became more homebound during this period, and spent so much time trying to cuddle the sadness out of her.

This went on for months till finally, it all came to a conclusion.

MC was having really bad cramps one day. Both men had a meeting they needed to attend, but the pride demon's intuition was raising red flags.

Despite the woman's protests, Lucifer was able to convince their boyfriend to stay home and the two stayed by her side.

Like always, Lucifer wanted to call a doctor immediately. Also like always, MC outright refused...for awhile at least.

Eventually, the pain got so severe that she was gripping one or both men, begging through tears for a doctor, which her boyfriends quickly obliged.

That's when they learned that not only was MC pregnant, but she was actively in labor.

The panic and shock was obvious from Lucifer; I mean, how did this happen?? It made absolutely no sense to this man considering how careful they have been.

Dia, on the other hand, was ecstatic.

I mean yes, the three of them had originally agreed that babies weren't on the agenda for the time being, but the prince mostly just agreed because both of his partners weren't ready for parenthood and he himself was okay with waiting.

The two men got into a small squabble over the prince's reaction, but was interrupted by their girlfriend's scream of pain.

To Lucifer's dismay, Dia sent the doctor away as per MC's request. She didn't want some stranger in the room while she was naked and in the worst pain of her life.

As a compromise though, the doctor was kept on standby else where in case the human needed him.

Each man planted themselves on different sides of MC and held her hands.

Both men gave MC encouragement and comfort, but Dia excelled at it. He was constantly whispering in her ear, peppering well-appreciated kisses on her face, and rubbing her taut belly.

Lucifer did the same, but given that he was the more anxious one, was constantly checking her progress and making sure she was keeping hydrated because obviously hours of screaming and pain can make any person easily dehydrated.

Day turned to night by the time the baby was born; the triad had never been more relieved to hear cries echo through a room before.

However...there was something a bit off about this baby.

When Lucifer brought their new daughter into MC's arms, the human noticed a strange mixture features.

This baby had Diavolo's skin tone, down the same golden markings on her arms as are found on the prince when in his demon form. However, she also had Lucifer's black hair. Her eyes matched her mother's and she had two little golden nubs on her head that will grow into horns in the future.

How...how did this child look like both her boyfriends? Even Lucifer was perplexed.

Luckily, Diavolo had the answer to this.

Some demons experience what is referred to a chimera conception; basically, if a demon has multiple partners within the window of time for conception, the baby can take genetics from more than one father.

In truth, the prince never thought it could occur in a human till now.

Still, the man was excited! His Queen just had a baby. He was a dad now--

Lucifer pulled his boyfriend out into the hallway, telling him that he needs to cool it down.

The pride demon didn't like bringing the mood down for the happy man, but it really needed to be said.

He reminded the prince that before this baby was essentially forced on MC by the universe, she didn't actually want a child; not yet anyway.

Neither man knew quite yet what their girlfriend wanted to do with this baby, whether she wanted to raise it or send it away.

To get excited now was premature and could unintentionally guilt the human into keeping a child she might not want.

This talk deflated the prince and his boyfriend hated that he had to do it.

The pride demon tugged his boyfriend into his arms.

"I'm sorry. I know this is difficult, but we need to keep MC in mind; she's already been through a lot as it is."

Dia nuzzled his face into the other demon neck.

"No, you're right. I...I just got carried away." He pulled back to meet Luce's eyes. "I'll keep myself under control."

"I know you want to be a father. Maybe you will be able to be one; maybe we will with this child. If MC can't handle this now though, we could always have another when she is ready."

Dia leaned in and kissed his boyfriend.

"I know...thank you, my Light."

The two men returned to the room, opening the door just to find MC crying as she stared down at her daughter.

The two men picked up the pace and joined the human at her bedside.

Dia knelt down next to her and wiped a tear from her face with his thumb.

"Don't hate me..." She said softly.

His eyes widen.

"What do you mean, my Queen?"

The woman shook her head and looked away from the prince.

Lucifer sat next to her on the bed and kissed her head.

"Love...just talk to us." He cajoled. "It will be alright, I assure you."

"I-I just...I don't know what to do; I'm so scared."

"Oh my Queen..." Dia joined his partners on the bed and pulled MC in to a hug, careful of the child resting within her arms. "It's okay; it's okay to be scared."

"But what if I can't handle it? What if I don't want..."

Her gaze fell to her daughter and the guilt choked her.

Dia's heart cracked. Lucifer was right.

He leaned into kiss her head.

"If you do not want this child...I will find a safe home for them."

MC's eyes widened as she turned to him.

"But...but you want her...I know you want to be a dad."

Dia lowered his head.

"I love our child...but I love you more." He insisted. "Will not pressure you to keep a child you aren't ready for; especially after the trauma you just went through."

MC shook her head, thick tears spilling down her cheeks.

"I don't know what I want...I'm so confused."

"It's fine; you can be confused." Lucifer told her. "You don't need to decide now."

In accidental unison, both men leaned in and each kissed a side of her head.

Diavolo nodded.

"That's right." He agreed. "Just know we are here for you and will continue to love you no matter your choice."

It took a few days for MC to recover from it all. Originally, her emotions were running hard after the birth and it made an already overwhelming situations worse for her.

As she recovered from it all, the woman started to get so very attached to her daughter.

Before she even told her boyfriends that she wanted to keep her, the men could just sense it from how she looked at her.

The three decided to name their daughter Eris.

[heylabodega]

The year that I was 32 I was happy. The year that I was 32 I was so happy that it made me nervous, I was so happy with my friends and my job and my art and my home and my hair that it circled back around to anxiety that I might lose any piece of it or things might (will, eventually) change. I continued my streak of making new friends, of learning new things, of getting new jobs, of being proud of myself.

The year that I was 32, my aunt and I became the only two women in our family to know what it's like to be 32 and childless, I texted her wonderingly and triumphantly. The year I was 32 I think I finally parented myself up to standard level, loved myself and forgave myself and protected myself enough for the 1.25 parents I didn't have.

The year that I was 32 flew by and I was so happy to be getting older. I felt the weight of the years not as a burden but as a foundation. I felt my understanding of myself deepen, as I felt my relationships deepen with their layers of time, with the sheer amount of happenings and words exchanged and things seen. I was sometimes still, but rarely, self-conscious about being older than my coworkers. The year that I was 32 I loved my coworkers so much, I wanted to tell them about things and hear their thoughts and get their opinions and soak up their expertise and their beautiful, beautiful self assurance.

The year that I was 32 Daniel and I went back to doing trivia, and I was relieved that he wasn't angry with me. I recognized a softening in him that I recognize in so many of us, the softening of experiences not turning out the way you thought they would, the new understanding.

The year that I was 32 I finally got to babysit Remy, got to shepherd him safely from daycare to sleep sack, check on him three times to make sure he was breathing in his crib, pull him into my lap when he hit his head and coo I know I know I know it doesn't feel good when we hit our head.

The year that I was 32 I kept getting both more and less forgiving. The understanding of how hard we're all trying, of how many things happen in a life; but likewise the how hard we're all trying and sometimes it's not enough, how many things happen in a life and sometimes they're someone's fault.

The year that I was 32 I didn't buy any makeup except some mascara refills. The year that I was 32 I got so beautiful again. I'm sorry to say it, but it bears acknowledging. I saw it in the mirror and I could see it in other people's faces sometimes, but unlike when I was younger, it felt like mine and not the world's. I got more sure of my artistic opinions, felt they were valid, felt like 'I didn't think it achieved its objectives' coming from me was a valuable critique.

The year that I was 32 I spent my going to Paris money on a studio space. I went to the ER again. I slept and slept and slept. I went to Scotland, the most beautiful place in the world that rearranged my insides in a way I may never be fully able to describe. I went to LA for two weeks and fell even more in love with Marie and Solomon and their life. I went to Tampa for 24 hours, i went to Portland for a week, I went to Delaware for a weekend, I went, still, back and forth between DC and New York so many times that I thought I'd go crazy.

The year that I was 32 I almost never cried, except occasionally when a TV show got me, when George Bailey was the richest man in Bedford Falls, when we listened to Let's Get Married by The Proclaimers in the car in the Columbia River Gorge and my mom was driving and my brother was in the backseat and we would see my sister soon and hike up to the waterfall where my grandpa's ashes are scattered. I couldn't stop smiling though, walking around Greenpoint in the sunset, smiling smiling smiling until sometimes I also cried.

The year that I was 32 I was so proud and so happy that I hoped I'd run into people I hadn't seen in years on the street so they could ask me what I'd been up to and I could tell them, beaming, the happiness coming through my every pore. I didn't run into anyone I hadn't seen in years. The year that I was 32 I was still myself, so so much, over and over, every day, and I began to really accept that.

[allthefujoshiunite]

Can I ask your top 5 favorite moments from "Love for Sale"?

Thanks, Nora, because of you I found this manhwa, and it became one of my top fav BL ever.

Oh, have you read, "Dear Gene" by Azuma Kaya? It's also one of my favorite BL ever.... (Sorry if you already know it and don't really love them).

I can't put into words how happy it makes me that you liked Love for Sale... I don't think even Dal Hyeonji would feel this happy about someone liking their work SHFKUS but it's just SOO dear to me! Thank you for giving it a chance.

Obviously, there will be spoilers for Love for Sale below.

As for my top 5 moments.

The moment Namwoo finally realizes that he's the horndog in the relationship lol. From the moment they met, he's fixated on what he can provide for the money he's taking from Sieon, and since he's so rich and can literally buy anything he wants, there must be one thing and one thing only he wants from Namwoo: sex. Namwoo thinks Sieon must be a pervert for spending so much money on him (thus expecting a lot of sex in return) but it's actuallly him that constantly initiates sex. I kept waiting for the moment of realization!

The night Sieon went up to Namwoo's apartment to try his "toys". This is another favorite of mine because of how casual, funny and sexy at the same time. Still giggle whenever I remember Namwoo's middle finger action xD

Namwoo's realization that his sunbae was actually in love with him as well. I honestly didn't see this coming?! Probably because we never get to see his side of the story, and his "advances" could only be read as friendly invites. I should've been suspicious because I knew he picked up the nature of Namwoo and Sieon's relationship when they've first seen each other at the mall.

Namwoo and his sister Eunjung having a Love Declaration Olympics in the middle of a crowd. I mentioned in another answer that I love Eunjung for several reasons, and that scene is both so hilarious and emotional, I couldn't help but add it to the list. I love all of their interactions but this one probably takes the cake.

Sieon's blush. You know which chapter I'm talking about, right? xD I wouldn't believe you if you were to tell me that seeing a character blush after 70+ chapters would make me cry but here we are. This is top grade story-telling. Building everything up until such a "minor" point AND having a cathartic pay off, I can only bow down.

WHEW. Thank you for giving me another chance to gush about Love for Sale, because I feel self-conscious lol. I keep inserting the series whenever I get an ask or start blabbing unprovoked... Anyways. There were a lot more I liked about it, like our redhead with anger management issues looking back on his relationship with Sieon, or Namwoo's heartfelt convo with the female friend in his friend circle, OR Sieon reuniting with his mother. It's so hard to pick. But anyways, I'll stop here before I list anything and everything that transcribed in the series.

As for Dear Gene. I did read the parent manga, The Scene of My Rumspringa and liked it a lot! You can feel the weight and importance of the theme to the author, because only then you get a delicate story packed with emotions. Dear Gene was recommended to me as well, but I want to wait for the official English release because my Japanese is not at a level where I can comfortably read manga. I can get by with dictionaries and apps when the BL has your run of the mill story, I usually guess what's gonna happen from the very first chapter anyway. But BLs with deeper conversations and topics are hard to get through. I'll leave it to the translators and enjoy when I can. I'm looking forward to it!

[dragonsarecool]

June of Doom Day 5 - Disfiguration

A/N: After farewelling Doc and family, Jennifer sets about tending to her time traveller and his injuries. Set immediately after Part III.

They'd stayed at the wreckage site for some time, wrapped in a tight embrace that neither was willing to break. Despite being mid-morning on a Saturday, the world around them remained eerily silent, apart from the distant thuds of tyres and irritated car horns crossing the railway tracks.

Eventually, Jennifer realised that her beloved was starting to hang from her shoulders instead of hugging them, and gently broke away to cup his dirt-streaked cheeks. The bags under his eyes were sagging spectacularly, his lashes flickering rapidly as he fought to remain conscious. "You need some rest, mister. And a good shower."

Marty opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced when Jennifer lifted the top of his poncho for him to smell, the astringent scent being powerful enough to make him gag slightly. He nodded in embarrassment as he cleared his throat, ignoring Jennifer's light giggles. "Point taken, ma'am."

He hadn't wanted to admit it, but the desire for modern washroom facilities and scorching hot water instead of freezing his privates off in a tetanus-ridden bathtub had been one of the few things he'd dreamt about on the eve of the train heist.

He also didn't want to admit how sore he actually was, but he was sure Jennifer had worked it out based on how stiffly he was moving. Even holding himself upright was becoming a strenuous task. "Jen, I…I m-might need some help, with, uh, t-the bruises and splinters, and uh, I-I don't really wanna go to a hospital a-and try to explain all of this—"

Jennifer wrapped one of his arms around her shoulders, taking some of his dead weight as they stumbled across the tracks and back to his truck around the corner. The loud hiss that slipped between his lips as they walked troubled her, as did the suspicious bruise under his jaw that she only noticed in the direct sunlight.

You need to stay positive, Jen, for his sake. "I've got a nurse for a mom, Marty. We can handle this!"

****

The first roadblock came when they tried to remove Marty's clothes. The young man struggled and swore with his poncho and undershirt, seemingly unable to lift his arms high enough above his head to remove it on his own. With the longer he struggled, the more worried Jennifer became about the injuries he'd sustained. It's almost like he got hit by a bus, but there were no buses in the old west…What the hell happened to him?!

"Aahhh! SHIT!" He clenched his teeth together, hanging his head as he tried to breathe through the discomfort. If not for Jennifer's intervention, he would have fallen off from his perch on the edge of the bathtub.

"Marty, let me-"

"No, Jen, it's fine! I-I'll get it eventually…ARGH!"

Jennifer shook her head, deciding that he'd suffered enough. Running to retrieve a pair of scissors from Marty's desk, she began snipping the garments away before the patient had a chance to complain. As the material collapsed to the tiles below, her face blanched as the skin beneath them was revealed. "Oh my God-"

Marty was lost for words, mouth opening and closing soundlessly. He was clearly conflicted between feeling self-conscious and defending himself, and tried to avoid making eye contact with Jennifer. "Jen, I-I…"

She sat back on the edge of the bath, staring at her boyfriend's torso in shock. Where there had once been pristine, unblemished skin was been replaced with a kaleidoscope of bruises, lacerations and rashes. She'd already seen the dried blood and splinters that decorated his hands and fingers, but was disturbed to see just how damaged the rest of his body was. Paper thin cuts ran around the base of his neck, and in the bathroom light she realised that both sides of his jaw were sporting fist-sized bruises. Oh my poor love…

Her eyes were drawn to the suspicious maroon and black blotches either side of Marty's sternum, which extended downward to his stomach before wrapping around both sides of his body. Alarm bells began ringing in her head the more she inspected him, and she took a moment to compose her thoughts. "Marty, you need to tell me exactly what happened to you, because…because this looks serious."

Marty was flustered. He refused to meet Jennifer's gaze, taking in a shaky sigh as he gazed tiredly at the wall.

"Okay then, uh…Let's start with these," Jennifer placed her fingers against what she suspected were broken ribs. "Are these from the fifties, or the old west?"

He swallowed hard, his voice barely audible as he fought back tears. "…Both."

"How?"

Marty gasped, his resolve crumbling as she continued to feel along his battered body. "…Biff was, uh, responsible for this bit," He pointed directly to his stomach, his gaze never leaving the wall, "and the rest was his, uh, h-his grandfather."

"Are these from punches or a vehicle?"

"S-Some were punches. Most of it was from t-the horse."

What the hell?! Jennifer paused her examination, her jaw falling open as she reeled with the shock. "You got trampled by a horse?!"

"M-More like dragged, actually." Marty whispered, scrunching his eyes tightly.

"God…" Knowing that she was doing a terrible job of hiding her shock, she took a moment to compose herself before wetting a face washer under the tap. "…I think it's best if we clean these up a bit before you jump in the shower, Marty. J-Just to help you with the pain, okay?"

Marty stifled a whimper as she dabbed the cloth across his face, wiping away a week's worth of muck and soot, as well as erasing the fresh tear tracks that had been carved through the grime. He delicately leaned into her touch, a small whine escaping his lips. The last of his strength rapidly melted away and he began to sob uncontrollably, but whether it was from the pain alone or a combination of relief and exhaustion, she couldn't tell.

"Hey hey, it's okay, Marty," Jennifer murmured soothingly. "It's okay. You're safe, you're home-"

"I couldn't stop it, Jen!" Marty gripped her hand as he wept. "It just kept coming and coming and a-as soon as it s-stopped hurting, s-something else happened a-and-"

"Can you tell me what happened with your neck?" She interrupted gently, trying to ignore his flinching as she dabbed his collarbone with a wet face washer. He needs to stay calm or he's going to hyperventilate…

"A rope…" He gasped. "I-It was a rope, Jen. T-They tried to h-hang me, a-and I got pulled by the horse a-and it slammed me into all this shit, a-and if Doc hadn't…if he hadn't, I-I'd be-"

Losing his composure, Marty threw his aching arms around Jennifer, almost suffocating her with his greasy hair as he desperately hugged her. "It hurts, Jenny! It hurts so bad, a-and I c-couldn't stop it!…"

She felt tears slipping through her own lashes. Putting the washcloth aside, she returned the embrace and began massaging her fingers through Marty's hair. Her own body shook from the force of his sobs, and she was glad the house was currently empty, for she knew his cries would've broken the hearts of anyone who heard them. "It's okay, love. It's okay. It's all done."

"NO MORE!!…" Marty wailed. "N-No more, please…I-I can't…Doc, I-"

"It's all over, Marty. You're home," Jennifer held him as a mother would hold her child, rocking him gently as he released a fortnight's worth of unsung fear into her arms.

Looks like the shower will have to wait.

[jacevelaryonswife]

Shadowplay | Part two

When did he develop intentions for you? You, who were never special. You weren't a dragon or blood of old valyria. And yet, you were the only lady who cleared his sight on cloudy nights.

pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Reader

warnings: slight angst, happy ending.

for: @hopebaker

Part one - Part two

The conflicted feeling between following your shadow and not getting involved in your life gradually suffocated Aemond, pushing him over the limite that night. He doesn't know how, he doesn't know why, he just knows he has to come to you and stop the madness you’re subjecting your life and reputation to. You might not be that special, but you were occupying a space in his mind that troubled him on a daily basis.

“The city at night is not a suitable environment for a lady.” He said, blocking your way out. "Where is your brother?"

Your mind went back to the grey strands you'd seen on one of your first escapes from the castle. It was him. When tension began to creep into your body and your breathing became irregular, you inquired:

“Are you watching us? A few nights ago I thought I saw grey hairs in the hall.”

He remained silent, features fading briefly. In addition to being discovered earlier, it had self-reported now. Maybe he underestimated your perception, or overestimated his abilities.

"Let me pass."

"No."

"Why?"

He did not know.

“It's not safe for you out there. Not decent.”

Decent. What was decent? Submitting to the misfortune of a choice not made by you? Serving as a breeding source for a man's children? Keeping up appearances of something unreal? Not. Decency is a concept that does not apply to your reality. There is no decency in the court of King Viserys I, only service.

"I'm afraid that's not your problem, my prince." When he continued to bar your way, your tone rose considerably. "Let me go."

"No."

"Why are you doing this? Why do you care?”

"I don't know."

"You don’t know? Do you want to mess up my life for something you don't know about?"

“You are disturbing your life, what do you think your lord father will do if he discovers your nocturnal wanderings?”

“Do you dare tell?”

“Do you think I should?”

"No."

“So return to your chambers, my lady.”

Your beautiful eyes, before indifferent, now replicated the feeling of the last time they crossed paths: anger. Your jaw clenched as harsh words tumbled from your mouth.

“It's easy for you to act like that. You’re not trapped in an unhappy engagement and you will not spend the rest of your days in a decrepit castle in the north serving solely to birth the children of an old man who cares nothing for me, beyond the name and youth I carry.” Your lip trembled as a lone tear threatened to stain you cheek. "You don't understand and you never will."

Even though Aemond's recurrent pity for the situation softened him, urged him to touch your face and calm your heart, he remained impassive, erect, without moving a hair.

“My mother married an older man.” His words were emotionless, conscious of weight and meaning.

"I'm not your mother." You protested irritably. “Let me go, Aemond, please.”

“I can not, my lady.”

He didn't expect so much fury from your small body when you tried to break through the barrier he imposed. His long hands held you forearms firmly but gently.

“I don't want to hurt you, my lady.”

“You’re already doing it.” There were no obstacles to stop the tears from escaping your eyes. He felt awful, truly awful. “My wedding is in a month and you are trying to deprive me of seeing the world beyond these walls.”

“Did you intend to go alone today? Are you out of your mind my lady, don't you know how dangerous it is out there for someone like you? These people are wild and freeloaders. Your brother is a fool for showing you this world.”

“My brother is the most honorable man I know. You are a fool for trying to control my life. Get out of my way!"

"Where is he?"

“None of your business.”

Yes. It says. He doesn't know why, he doesn't know why he cares, seven hells he doesn't know why he keeps holding your body so close. He just needs to do what he has to do: maintain your honor and safety. So he hates himself all over again when your eyes widen at the threat of telling your father in exchange for your brother's location. He could feel your body tense again in pure derision. He hates himself for it.

“At the intersection between the castle and the city.” Your tone was meek, weak and whiny. “Don't do anything to him, please.”

Releasing your wrists, Aemond forced himself not to caress your face and wipe away your sadness. “I will not, my lady. But you have to promise me you won't do that again.”

“Why, Aemond? Why are you doing this?"

“Just promise me.”

"No. I will not submit to you. Do not speak to me again.”

Your name was tossed to the wind as your legs stormed towards your chambers. Who does he think he is? You wouldn't let another man dictate the reins of your life. No. Not now that you've tasted the sweetest piece of freedom.

That night Aemond went to meet your brother, surprising him. He was a fool, utterly, what kind of man would expose a lady as exquisite as yourself to the low environment of the flea bottom?

“Why do you care?” Your good brother questioned truly intrigued.

"It does not matter. Yo-"

"Yes. Matter yes. What are your intentions with my sister?”

Perhaps the prince overestimated his effect on people, for your brother was undeterred.

“What are your intentions with my sister, my prince?” He insisted.

“I have no intentions with your sister, my lord.”

“I saw how you looked at her a while ago, when we were with my father and her bridgeroom” Your brother recalled. “And now this. How often do you watch the other nobles, my prince?”

Even with the one-eyed prince's newly stiffened posture, your brother continued.

“If you wish to marry my sister, I need to know that you would treat her well, as I might deal with my lord father.”

Tempting.

"I don't need your interference."

“So you admit your intentions?”

Aemond took a deep breath. He hated being confronted in such a way, especially when there was substantiation in the insinuations hurled at him. And when did that happen? When did he develop intentions for you? You, who were never special. You weren't a dragon and you weren't blood of old Valyria. And yet, you were the only lady who cleared his eyes on cloudy nights. You, a pretty, fearless little thing with expressive eyes and tempting lips. You were beautiful and he knew so little about you. Not that family and blood bullshit, but about you, who are you when the owl sings? He was intrigued and tempted. He needed to meet you.

“If you have something to say, come to me. If not, just stay out of my sister's life, she has enough unhappiness to worry about.”

He didn't want your unhappiness.

The prince's steps towards the red keep were relentless like the confusion in his heart. He doesn't understand the origin of feelings and what he really feels for you, but he knows he does. He feels. He wants to wrap your body and dry your tears, he wants to unravel your thoughts and personality. What did you like? What did you think of him? Who were you? Would you be able to love him as lord husband and man?

Aemond tried to be silent as he knocked on your bedroom door, breathing heavily. He would never forgive himself for tarnishing your reputation, no matter how much he wanted to kiss you as soon as he opened the door with tense hands dressed in a white bedclothes. You were angelic. It was almost a sin to touch your skin with dubious intentions.

Your nervous eyes failed to see him motionless, toes curling in response. You didn't expect him back, you didn't expect to see him there. Aemond Targaryen was not Aegon Targaryen, he did not hunt palace maidens like a predator, nor did he make sexual passes for noble ladies. He was polite, reserved and observant.

No lady has ever dared to breach his barrier, and he himself has never dishonored any woman. Still, he was at your door at owl time with heavy breathing and an uncertain look. When you remained silent and did not invite him in, the prince's hands took his own, making a lingering thumb stroke. Your gaze widened, mouth opening the tiniest bit as he walked slowly into your chambers and closed the door.

“I don't know how I developed this feeling that tightens my chest when I think of you, but I can't pretend it doesn't affect me.” Aemond initiated. “I want to touch your face, finger your lip and take you as mine. My lady wife.”

If it were possible for your eyes to open wider, you would. You inhaled deeply, mouth opening in confusion. Aemond Targaryen was pleading with you. He was… he wanted… to marry you.

Oh.

“Do you… do you want to marry me?” Your tone was low, calm and smooth.

“Yes, my lady.”

“Would you talk to my father?”

"Yes.”

You don't know how or why the prince wants to join you in marriage. You don't even know why you got excited internally with the idea, besides beauty, blood and reputation, you don't know him. You don't know who Aemond is. But you could know.

Before he could react, your lips were on his vividly. He was handsome, young and imponent. So attractive.

“I won't have time to meet you. And if you regret it?” You whispered into his lips.

“If that happens, I will give you time to find another bridegroom to your liking. Even if I believe that will not happen.” He sealed his lips to yours, his big hands cupping your face. “Be mine, my lady.”

Yes.

“Yes, my prince. Make me yours.”

[fat-dopamine]

Closet Feeder Story Time

My girlfriend has always been a little chubby. Way back when we first met in college she was on the smaller side, but over the years her weight has gone up and down, each time coming back a little bit more. It was never an intentional gain, but as a closet feeder I always loved how each time she was a little bigger, and I fantasized about helping her gain more.

At this time last year, she had no idea how into feedisim I really was. That is until one fateful day when, of course, I left some tabs open on my laptop, and when she picked it up, she was looking straight at Couch Queen stuffing her face, belly hanging low, smothered in cake. And so, we had that talk. She seemed shocked at first, but I played it down, said I was into a lot of different bodies and kinks (not untrue), that her body was great the way it was and she shouldn't feel any pressure to change it (also true). As we talked her shock wore off, and she was ok after that, but she mentioned that she definitely wasn't into it, and so we sort of left it there.

However, here we are a year later, and I have to say, I've seen a different story developing. When we had our talk, she was at her lowest weight she'd been in a while. She'd been watching her diet, doing video workouts in the living room, going for walks, etc etc. But as the year went on, I began to notice little changes piling up. She stopped the workouts. The walks became less frequent. I started seeing Taco Bell (her favorite fast food) bags crumpled up in the trash when I came home - a few at first, then frequently. She completely dropped the diets, eating whatever she wanted when we went out or cooked. Her weight came back slow enough that I didn't notice much initially, but now looking back at photos I think she must have gained at least 30 pounds. And fuuuck does that turn me on.

But still, we've never talked about the weight gain kink again since she told me "I'm definitely not into it". So, I'm left wondering whether this is intentional or not, whether or not I should comment on it, tell her how sexy I think it is that she's becoming so soft, or how hot it is that her shirts are now so much tighter around her belly. I'm not the kind of guy to pressure her into gaining weight, so I've kept my mouth shut, but fuck it's getting hard to stay quiet.

At times, so nonchalantly, she's made little comments about her weight, like, how tight a pair of jeans have gotten, or how long it’s been since she worked out, how her thighs are rubbing together so much more lately. I would think she was trying to talk dirty to me if it weren’t for the casual way she mentions it. Then, recently, she made plans to start working out with her friend, which had me thinking, ‘oh, she doesn’t like the weight, wants to lose it, I shouldn’t say anything’ - only she’s cancelled the plan three weeks in a row now… Sometimes during sex I’ll grab her tits and move down to her belly, just to test the waters, but she’ll usually move my hands back up, so I’ll think ‘she’s really not into it’, but then ‘maybe she is but she’s still holding onto some insecurity about it’? Lots of conflicting shit. Then finally: yesterday she put on this amazing outfit – a big sweater and an old black skirt from 5 years ago that beautifully showed off her tummy poking out a bit under the bottom of her sweater. I told her how cute the outfit was, and she said, “thanks, I was a little self-conscious about it because I feel like my belly sticks out more than my butt now”… 🤯 Literally I almost exploded. I wanted to tell her how perfect that was, how fuckin hot that was, how I couldn’t wait to see that belly hang more and more, how I wanted to make her a weight gain shake right then and there and funnel it into her to celebrate that bigger-than-her-butt belly. Instead I said “well I think your butt and belly are perfect” (which, I mean, at least I mentioned her belly). Then she went to the couch and started snacking on Cookie Crisps.

So, all this to say: where the fuck do I stand? I have a beautiful, kind, amazing girlfriend who is, intentionally or not, playing out my greatest fantasy, but we never talk about it! So, is it all in my head, the delusions of a horned-up wannabe feeder? Or is she giving me all the signals that she’s actually now into it, and I’m fucking up by not taking the hint? You tell me.

In any case, I think I need to just mention it again. I just want to: 1) bring it up in a way that doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable if she’s not into it at all and it’s been an unintentional gain. 2) doesn’t scare her away from it if she’s kinda into it but on the fence about it. 3) lets her know that, although I find it hot AF and would love to see her gain, she doesn’t need to gain for me to find her attractive. Really what I want is to be able to express how sexy she is to me, and get everything out in the open.

Worst case scenario: I have a beautiful partner who doesn’t share all my kinks. Best case…. One year from now we’ve turned her 30-pound gain into 100, we’re stocked up on snacks, and I’m her full-time belly-rubber.

[jdoegainer]

Hi. I saw on an older post that you wanted to be asked how your gaining journey started; and since nobody has asked (as far as I've seen) and I really enjoy indulging you: How did your gaining journey start?

Yeah, that's a great question. There were many things going on in my head at the time that made me want to start gaining, but the thing that actually made me take a leap was that one of my friends was very self-conscious about her weight (she was not overweight at all). I thought that maybe if I became the overweight friend that it would distract her and she wouldn't be so hard on herself about it. It didn't help that, but she did notice my weight gain eventually.

How I actually started though was one day when I was home alone, I just decided to stuff myself and eat as much as I could. I ate and ate all day until I was painfully full and then as soon as I wasn't feeling completely stuffed anymore I would eat even more. I was so painfully stuffed that night that I couldn't get to sleep for hours and my belly was so distended. But when I did wake up after getting to sleep eventually I swear I noticed a thin layer of fat that had developed.

Thanks for the ask!

[stray-kids-react]

Their girlfriend is curvy and thiqué

Masterlist

...

Bang Chan

° If you wear ripped jeans, he will 100% slap the skin that shows through it. Rubbing it afterwards and then slapping it again. Unless you tell him to stop or if he notices it becoming too red.

° If you have stumpy squishy fingers (Like me), Chan will always be seen playing with your chubby cute fingers, sometimes playfully biting them.

° Loves falling asleep on your chest, he once called them his favorite pillows. Your chest is also victim to most of his hickeys, soon buying at least 10 different turtle necks after you notice the purple marks across your cleavage.

° When he is turned on or just wants to tease you, he will pinch your butt in public. Always failing to hide his sly smirk and small chuckle. You either get him back and return the favor or simply lightly slap his arm.

° Doesn't like when you feel self conscious over your curves and fluffy body features, since he loves every inch on you from head to toe. Will usually stand you in front of mirror and correct you on what you think is 'Ugly'.

"I don't care if you are size 0 or over 300 pounds, I love you for who you are inside and out. Never forget that."

Lee Know

° Will randomly squish your cheeks together until you form a cute pout, always kissing the pout even if he is in public or not. Calls them his little steam buns because they heat up from blushing and are squishy like buns.

° Falls asleep on your stomach when he is really worn out from practice, tickling your sides for your attention when he eventually wakes up.

° Rubs your belly like a cat when he's tired and wants affection, usually rubbing his face into your neck to get comfortable. You were at first a bit hesitant about it since you didn't really like your stomach, but you now beg for his belly rubs when going to sleep.

° Loves when you wear ripped jeans or a tight dress, showing him that you are confident in your looks and embrace your curves. But if anyone looks at you sensually he will block there veiw with a sharp glare.

° Never understands how you can see yourself as anything but a goddess. When you pinch your fluff and whine, he'll kiss your lips to stop you from saying something bad about yourself. Shows you how beautiful you are through kisses that lead into something more 9/10.

"You are nothing less then a goddess that any guy or girl out their would die to have in their arms. And whoever denies that is lying to themselves."

Changbin

° Before you two dated, he always wished he could squish and kiss your adorable cheeks. And now that he can, he won't stop... It has officially became his way of saying hello and goodbye to you.

° If you ever where a skirt or a dress, he will cover your legs with his jacket when you sit down or go up and down the stairs. Because those butt cheeks belong to his eyes only.

° Wakes you up by gently pinching your thighs, running down the hall screaming if he ever pinched to hard. But his screaming is also a mix of laughter because you are too cute to be scary, even if you are legit about to beat his ass.

° When showering together, he will pat a song on your butt. Always ending his "Songs" with an extra hard smack, rubbing it afterwards because he feels bad. Grips your chest in the shower, but not in a sensual way... Kind of like a stress ball to squish.

° If someone ever makes fun of your weight, they won't be able to finish their sentence because he would've knocked their teeth out by then. VERY protective over you because he knows how self conscious you can be.

"I love you so so so much, live isn't even a stong enough word to describe my feelings for you. They are just jealous that they don't have an ass like yours."

Hyunjin

° You are pretty self conscious about your weight and always tell him how heavy you are. So to prove you wrong, he will carry you everywhere until you get the point that you are beautiful and are never too heavy to carry.

° Randomly spanks you just because he can, will become a bit shy if another member catches him though. But if you are alone or if a member didn't see, a sly smirk spreads across his face.

° Praises the hell out of you when you two go shopping together, and if an item you really wanted isn't in your size he blames the store for being shitty. Feels his heart melt when you look at yourself with admiration for once in the mirror.

° Is towel ready for when you come walking of the pool, full aware that a wedgy almost always occurs when you step out of the water. Doesn't mind if you two are alone when it happens though.

° His savage side comes out harsh if someone ever insults your curves, he will not hold back one bit. Once made a guy who was a foot taller than him cry, making everyone who witnessed it realize he will protect you no matter what.

"People suck. You are a beautiful fairy that anyone should be grateful to lay their eyes on. I love you, so let's go home and cuddle."

Han

° Everyone's cameras are out when you two eat, just because both of your cheeks look so cute and puffy when you do eat. You two are nicknamed the chipmunks because of it, which you actually find cute.

° When you are alone he will literally suck your cheeks after he kisses them, always leaving you laughing at how weird it feels. Sometimes he will also breath on your cheeks if your face feels cold.

° Like Hyunjin, he will praise the hell out of you when you go shopping. He's just 10× more loud and hyper when doing it. Once brought strangers over to tell them how absolutely stunning you are, and will pretend to be papparzzi while asking for you to pose.

° Likes being the little spoon when you cuddle, so he can burrow himself into your chest and keep warm. But when he is the big spoon, he will stroke shapes into your stomach and burrow into your neck.

° An mc once talked to Jisung about you, saying how you are uglier than him. Jisung's playful manner quickly faded into serious rage, warning the host to not talk about the love of his life in such a disgusting manner. Stay & Skz backed up Jisung and forced an apology out of the MC.

"Don't listen to that idiot, he clearly doesn't know what beauty means. You are a stunning princess who deserves only love."

Felix

° Your chest means one word to him... Pillows. Whenever you cuddle, you will always see his head laying against your boobs. He never thinks of it as sensual, unless you want it to become smexy time.

° Felix will attack you in a huge koala clingy hug, trapping you in his arms before continuously drumming his hands across your butt. You would smack anyone else who did that to you, but you know he's a precious sunshine who means no harm.

° When you two are chatting alone, he will randomly just squish your cheeks with his small fists. Usually rubbing his nose against yours while giggling cutely, making you wonder how you scored such an adorable angel.

° Likes to bite you playfully, whether it be your arms or thighs you know his teeth will be attached. You weren't surprised when he first did it since he is quite playful, but it honestly melted your heart because you found it so cute.

° Deep voiced taekwondo master Felix comes out to play whenever someone insults you, your sunshine kitten will immediately switch into a deep voiced six pack aussie in a matter of seconds. You appreciate how protective he is, always repaying him with your love.

"You don't have to repay me princess, I do it because I love you. And when I love someone, I won't let anything hurt them."

Seungmin

° Soft boy is shy when it comes to PDA, So he always reminds you how beautiful you are with words. Coming up with your favorite nickname 'Pumkin', it is a common cute nickname but it's the way he says it that makes you melt.

° When you two are heading in for the night, he will sit you on his lap and wipe your face from any remaining makeup or dust/dirt. He loves how no matter how gentle his swipes are, your cheeks always cave in and squish you lips into a pout.

° Finds your plump belly absolutely adorable, constantly wrapping his arms around your stomach. Seungmin doesn't like how insecure you are about your body, so hugging you is another way for him to express how beautiful he thinks you are.

° Whenever he is on his phone or reading, you will block his veiw with a pout. He always replies by squishing your cheeks and pulling you in for a sweet but short kiss. When you feel satisfied enough with his kisses, you'll go back to whatever you were doing.

° Doesn't bother talking to idiots, instead he worries about you and makes sure you aren't listening to those stupid assholes. If someone won't stop picking on you he'll tell them off, but if they back off after a while he will just stay and confort you instead.

"They don't know what they are talking about, you are amazing and they are just crazy hateful people."

Jeongin

° Thought you were the most precious girl he has ever witnessed, and his love for you only grew over time. Even though you denied that someone so attractive like a kpop idol could like you, he proved you to be 100% wrong.

° His favorite thing on you is one of his Tshirts on you, because they fit your curves perfectly but also look loose due to the height difference. If you want cuddles immediately, simply wear oen of his shirts.

° Gets flustered whenever you wear a button up, since the gaps between the buttons are always opened slightly to reveal your bra. But he is too sweet and shy to ever point it out to you, because he doesn't want to embarrass you.

° Helps you with chafing burns, always feeling bad that you get them so easily. But you reassure him that it doesn't hurt overly bad, but that won't stop him from applying lotion to the burns on the inside your thighs.

° Isn't the type to get up in someone's face and threaten them, but will instead reply in sarcasm when someone insults you. Telling them to get a life and not to bring someone down to try and get their anger out. You are amused by your soft boyfriend's sarcasm.

"They are just trash, don't think about what they said for one second. You are stunning and the best girlfriend on earth."

[thepolyamorouspolymath]

So M2...

He's great. Really great. He's a good guy. He went through some struggles and changed his life around and became a therapist and turns out he doesn't take insurance -- originally I told him he was an ass expecting people to pay out of pocket. Nope, he has a sliding scale as low as $25 an hour. And his clients can text or call if ever they need on his private cell.

He adores his daughters. He so good with animals he has the two best cats I've ever seen. He plans fun nights out and cooks delicious dinners in. He has good media taste. The sex is good. He is gainfully employed, he has a car, his apartment is so shocklying beautiful (the apartment, he has no furnishings lol... my eyeballs itch to fill the space all the time because it's just got such great architecture and I'm a sucker for architecture.)

He's open and honest... I think. I mean, I always worried he's just being polite, like me coming over was because we can't come to my place and me sleeping over was just to be polite. Especially the second time because at like midnight or one he said how he could have called me an Uber any time if I didn't want to stay.

He says in like 3.5 years I'm only the third woman he's let into his apartment and the first he's slept next to in years. He said he just felt comfortable with me -- my head doesn't even hurt his shoulder like usual.

He made an off hand comment how Boy Thing would probably love his girls -- I had said how he wanted to steal the cats and no, I do not think either of us were thinking of them meeting, just the fact that it's even occurring to him struck me. (No one meets the girls, which is kinda my policy too since... well, you all know when.)

He asked me after I slept over the second night why I hadn't brought my meds and I said it seemed presumptive to bring overnight stuff (especially because he had an importabt day the next day), and he said if we were near his place he was assuming I was staying over, unless he specifically said so. So to see if he just meant toss my meds in my purse or full overnight bag, I mentioned buying a travel set for shampoo and stuff, and he seemed approving.

So far the downsides are he isolates when he's upset about something unrelated to me and he snores. (I never list sex drive as a downside unless it's like never, because expecting anyone to keep up with me is unreasonable and it's not like I'm not satisfied and he's happy to get me off evened if he's not in the mood, so yeah... even the not perfect is still pretty damn close.)

And the thing is...

He's too good for me. He went to great schools and a great education -- I slacked my way through something I wasn't that into just to be mildly employable. He makes a ridiculous amount of money, I will never, because I just don't care enough for that level of work. He's smarter than me, which is something I don't generally encounter in the wild. I've even gained weight so I don't even bring decoration to this partnership.

I just feel so incredibly self conscious and insecure because I feel like I'm just waiting for him to realize it. And if he did have one actual flaw, he's pretty slow on the commitment front, which isn't bad, but I'm not really sure where I stand -- I tend to know, if not how serious I'll be, how serious I COULD be with someone. And I don't know what he thinks or feels.

And I can't expect everybody to announce every feeling or thought. That's not fair and I know that.

It's just... scary. I don't do vulnerable well. I don't like games or believe in then but I generally like to know I don't have the losing hand even if there isn't an upper one. And here I just feel lost.

[prncssparklwt]

BACK TO LIFE | Z.M.

by: PRNCSSPARKLWT

THIS STORY IS COMPLETE FICTION. ZAYN MALIK AND NIALL HORAN HAVE NO RELATION TO THIS STORY. THEIR NAMES AND LOOKS ARE USED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MY STORY TELLING. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONNECTIONS TO EITHER OF THEM. I RESPECT THEM AS ARTISTS AND AS INDIVIDUALS. THIS FANFIC INVOLVES UNDERAGE DRINKING, DRUG USE, VULGAR LANGUAGE, AND YES, SEX. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM AM I TRYING TO PORTRAY ZAYN AND NIALL PERSONALLY AS THE CHARACTERS IN THIS FANFIC. ONCE AGAIN, THIS STORY IS COMPLETE FICTION. IT WAS MADE UP BY ME AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL. THANK YOU, I TAKE FEEDBACK AND KINDLY STATED CRITICISM. ENJOY, BACK TO LIFE.

PILLOWTALK

The sun is starting to rise and the sheets are already starting to feel cold against her bare legs. The alarm clock flashes the time and maybe she's surprised that he's still here, the weight of his arm heavy and real against the bottom of her back. His hand is pressed up by the swell of her hip, she feels his nose resting at the top of her head. Moments like these remind her that time she shares with him are like sunsets, they start off so beautiful and vibrant, yet end in darkness.

She should probably get up and make it seem as though she doesn't even care that he's still in her bed as if he actually wants to sleep beside her. She should push his arm off and act as though he isn't important even when the slightest contact from him lights her up like matches long forgotten at the start of the summer. Zayn always had the power to make her feel like she was worth watching when she'd walk in the room. His eyes would always cast themselves up and down the length of her body and she wouldn't feel self conscious, she'd feel fucking august with the energy that would fill her.

"Adelina," his soft voice that raises goosebumps along her neck disrupts the silence. She knows if she answers her voice will go against her and whimper his name like it does on nights like last night. The arm that took homage on her hip snakes up her side and settles to curve at her stomach, the skin covered in delicate hair, his fingers press into the pudge and a giggle escapes Adelina's lips. "There we go, I can feel your thoughts in the air."

At least I know you can feel, she wants to say but bites her tongue. All she does is wiggle and suck in her stomach to escape the prodding fingers. Zayn takes the hint and lifts his hand away for it to change its path up to her neck, her throat being stretched when his hand angles her chin up. Her black hair cascades against the pillows as he slowly turns her towards him. His golden eyes like flickers of flame are soft. The pink of his tongue glistens in the disrupting sunlight as he licks his bottom lip. Adelina knows she should hate the man that makes her a stranger in her own bed, but that's just it, in her bed, he's in her bed. His hand loosens at her throat and the brown of Adelina's eyes grow a shade darker as his face leans closer to connect their lips. As their lips find refuge and his hands find their way to parts of her that they know so intimately, she is reminded that this is not her forever. This is his goodbye.

So she lets him and his tongue make her pliant just as the sun is kissing the sky hello and darkness that settled in her room says farewell. She tries to imagine a world where this is hers and for her to keep, a world where Zayn does not leave so he can hide just as the moon does in daylight. A life where he is hers and she doesn't have to wonder if tonight she'll see him as he knocks on her window or if she'll get to see him at the skatepark where it seems he's actually a real person.

Zayn leads his mouth down to her neck and along her collarbone, he kisses over the marks he's left just under where the collar of her shirts will end. Zayn believes she is his in all aspects physical but as he lifts himself up to start getting dressed, Adelina struggles to accept the fact that she is his, in all ways physical, mentally, and emotionally.

He picks up his sweater to pull up over his head and Adelina watches his tattoos disappear as they get covered by pale yellow. His hair is messy and stuck up in all the wrong places and Adelina lets out a small huff of a laugh and Zayn turns to her from where he's standing at the foot of her bed.

"What's so funny?" He asks and places a knee on the bed, the light purple duvet dips underneath his weight.

"Your hair is messy." Adelina comments as she pulls the duvet up to her nose to hide her smile and he mocks a frown to run his fingers through his hair.

"And yours is any better?" He laughs and Adelina's eyes go wide and her hands shoot up to smooth out the baby hairs that have decided to stand up from her scalp like stubborn weeds. "You don't look any different, really." Zayn smiles as he leans closer to her, his legs between hers over the duvet, hips pressing down on hers.

"Zayn Javaad finally being seen not looking perfect? The horror, the rarity I am witnessing is aston-" Adelina gets cut off by his lips on her neck that makes her laugh because his stubble has begun to tickle her. He pulls away from her neck and looks down at her, their eyes meeting.

"You need to get ready before your dad comes to wake you up and sees a tattooed muslim in your bed." He tells her and she rolls her eyes. Her dad would not be up for about two more hours, Zayn knew this, but she feels it's just a ploy for him so he can leave. I should be used to him leaving, Adelina thinks.

"I think he'll be more disappointed to see his son's best friend in his daughter's bed." When the words leave her lips, she can feel him detach physically and mentally. Her brother Yousef has been friends with Zayn since they could both barely crawl, their mothers were close friends when they attended university and stayed in close contact. Zayn was even more around when their mother got sick, him and his mother were over a lot to help Adelina's father take care of them. He eventually became like a brother to them and a son to their father. Zayn looked up to their father a lot for guidance as his father had left them about seven years ago. Adelina knows she's struck a nerve, she reaches up to place a hand at his jawline, her thumb rubbing along his cheekbone. "I didn't mean to upset you, it was just a joke."

"One that holds truth, if your dad ever found out about us, if Yousef ever found out." Zayn shakes his head and gets up completely and Adelina wishes her mouth waited for her mind to decide on something before saying it. The warmth Zayn's body supplied is gone and she sits up and the duvet pools around her, her chest is slightly exposed and she ignores the glance Zayn gives her.

"They won't ever know, we've been smart about this. Besides, Yousef doesn't even care about what I do." She says and she knows it's a partial lie. Her brother does care about the things she does, especially if it means it puts him in higher graces with their Baba. Yousef always wants to be the favorite, and he kind of is. She tells this lie though in hopes it'll stop Zayn's thoughts of stopping what they have, she might not be able to have him completely, but she's not going to give up what she does get.

"He might not care when it comes to you but he's always on my ass." Zayn exhales and he's slipping on his skidded up white vans. "Constantly reminding me that I need to get a job, making sure I worked out, did I eat, were my final grades at the university good enough." He finishes up his rambling by standing up and finally turning towards her again.

"It's like he's your boyfriend." Adelina widens her eyes in case of Zayn's reaction and all he does is glare at her and she laughs with her head thrown back. "I'm just saying, oh my god, what if he's gay? Has Yousef said anything to you?" She suddenly questions and thinks about how good her brother dresses and now she's thinking about the time he literally got voted the prettiest his senior year in high school.

"Adelina, he's not gay!" Zayn remarks and throws something soft at her face. It's an old shirt of his, she wears it to sleep sometimes, like last night. Though he peeled it off of her before she actually got to sleep in it.

"It's a possibility." She starts to put the shirt on.

"I think I would know if my best friend is gay." Zayn explains as Adelina gets up and pulls the shirt down over her butt. "That's not even the point here, the point is, I should not be sleeping with my best friend's little sister in the first place."

"But you are, we both agreed to it, there's nothing wrong with liking our privacy in what we do when we're alone." Truth is, Adelina doesn't know how she would react if her family found out about them. Everyone is so sure Zayn is going to marry a beautiful muslim girl and have a few kids while he sells his art and his wife becomes an actress. He may be laid back and talks gently, but he's still gorgeous and pretty people marry pretty people. They see the three of them as a trio of siblings since their mom passed and they all ended up growing together. Adelina has pictures of all of them in kiddie pools and them eating mud pies.

"I know," He says quietly. Zayn walks over to Adelina's bedroom window and pulls the soft white curtains away to slide open the glass. "I'll see you at Toni's later." Is all he says as he leaves out the window to walk home, about two blocks from Adelina's.

Adelina just smiles because the words that want to come out of her mouth are, stay, please stay. When he doesn't turn back as he walks towards the front of her house she knows to just shut her window. He doesn't ever look back, no smile to say goodbye or a wave to acknowledge her one more time. When the glow of his yellow sweater disappears she turns away from the window and looks at her room. The bed has indents from where their bodies found solace within each other, her covers thrown around. She notices his beanie on her beige carpet by the side he slept on and how there's one of his rings on the bedside desk. It's the ring he usually leaves here so he has some excuse to be in her bedroom again, she always tells him he doesn't have to have a reason to come back, he can just show up. He would just shrug and she wishes she could understand his logic about any of this because he never wants to express how he feels about anything unless he accidentally lets it slip out.

"Lina!" The sound of Yousef's voice is heard from outside her door. She doesn't get to answer before he's already rattling her door knob, as if she'd have it unlocked while Zayn is over. "Why is the door locked? You know Baba doesn't like when we do that."

She quickly yanks up a pair of grey sweats from the floor and pulls Zayn's shirt away from her chest so her breasts aren't as noticeable. She yanks open the door. "I was about to change for the day, which is why it was locked. You didn't even wait for an answer or even knock before coming in. What if I had been naked?" Adelina says annoyed and Yousef rolls his eyes.

"Baba isn't up yet and it's our turn to make breakfast." Is all he says.

When the sun is finally setting and Adelina has showered, she stands in her room and watches herself in the mirror. Her olive toned thighs touch, meshing together, her stomach has a pudge that she tends to hide with high waisted jeans, her breasts are C cups that she has a hard time fitting into the cute tops she likes, and her arms are not as toned as she'd want them. Yet she finds beauty in all of this, her long wavy black hair and thick browed big brown eyes, prominent cheekbones, even the slight chubbiness under her chin all look beautiful to her. Her Baba always tells her she is. She also knows Zayn wouldn't even waste his time on her if she wasn't. It's not like she's ugly and he's using her, she gets the same attention he does in the end. They both get the same ending.

She's wearing dark high waisted bell bottoms, black long sleeve tucked in, she's left her hair down in waves, and she's put on eyeliner along with some highlighter. She's also sprayed on her best perfume for tonight because she'll be around a lot of people.

"Alright, we have to be home before midnight, unless I say I'm spending the night at Zayn's and you're staying with Emelia next door." Yousef says as he walks in dressed in a white t-shirt, black jeans, his black hair styled up out of his face. He plops down on her bed. Emelia is Zayn's neighbor and also Adelina's best friend since freshman year, if Yousef stays out, Adelina can as well. Which bothers her because Yousef's been able to go out on his own since he was sixteen and she's eighteen while he's now twenty-one. She still needs Yousef's supervision usually if they're "going out" with friends when in reality they're actually going to a party.

"I can stay at Emelia's, she'll be at the party anyways." Adelina reaches for her jean jacket that's about a size too big but she likes that it hangs off her shoulders sometimes. Yousef gets up and waits for her to slip on her red vans. He leaves the room expecting her to follow but Adelina reaches down to her bedside table and grabs Zayn's ring and beanie. He can find a better excuse to see her.

Their father is sat at the kitchen table, auto body magazines splayed all around him, he owns one of the best mechanic shops in town. His hair is peppered black and silver, his eyes are piercing green like Yousef's. His tan face, also much like Yousef's, is adorned with a dark beard, he smiles at the both of them. "You both look great." Their father says and brings his mug to his mouth.

"Thank you Baba," Yousef smiles back. "We've decided to stay at Zayn and Emelia's tonight, if that's okay." Their father contemplates this but he agrees that it's okay, they go to him and Adelina kisses her father on the cheek and Yousef does the same. He bids them goodbye as they walk out the door with their overnight bags slung on their shoulders.

"He's so quick to agree with the things you decide." Adelina comments as Yousef starts the car.

"He trusts me." Yousef says and Adelina rolls her eyes and glances at the sky. The sky is starting to get dark even when it's already after eight in the afternoon. Summer days always seem longer.

"Baba can trust me if you're implying he doesn't." Adelina remarks and she turns her gaze to Yousef, he turns the blinker on to turn the street.

"Not saying he doesn't, Lina. It's because I'm older so he's positive that I have better judgement." Her brother tries to give her a small smile but she's already looking away again.

"It's because you're a boy, Yousef, not because you're older." The pettiness is thick in her tone and she knows it's the truth. Baba trusts Yousef more because he doesn't think Adelina can make decisions or think clearly on her own if she doesn't have a male input.

"Well if that's the case, I'm sorry, I don't think he does it intentionally. It's how he was raised too." That's the only explanation her brother can give her and for now she takes it. They've arrived at Toni's.

Toni graduated a year before she did, his parents also own a batting cage facility since his dad had the chance to go pro but had an injury in college. Since then Toni's dad invested in batting cages and coaching a little league and the high school's baseball team. It also serves as a great place to have parties when his father is out of town for sponsorship conventions. The building is lower than the streets, as it was built into a dip for the batting cages to have more height than length. The netting can be seen from the parking lot, where other cars have already parked to start the night. Yousef parks towards the entrance so they can make a quick leave if they need to. Adelina isn't the type to get black out drunk or insanely high at these sorts of things, but Yousef, he'd enjoy forgetting his name for the night.

When they finally make it to where a crowd has been formed and there's people handing out red cups by the kegs, Yousef is quick to leave her side. Adelina doesn't care if her brother drinks, he's of age, and she could care less that she definitely sees two girls who obviously are barely becoming juniors passing a blunt with a group. It's high school, the world would be lying if it said teenagers don't drink and smoke. Adelina barely did the summer before her senior year once she started hanging out with Zayn and Yousef more. They brought her to parties that graduated seniors were throwing and now she was out even more because she's eighteen, Zayn is twenty, and Yousef is twenty-one. Baba was okay with this because he didn't know they were actually parties, and he trusted Yousef and Zayn. The sleepover at Emelia's while Yousef at Zayn's was their go to plan these past months.

"Lina!" Adelina turns towards the voice and it's Emelia in high waisted shorts, a bright red bralette, and a vintage looking jacket on. Her short brown hair is curled and her pale skin glows under the batting cages' lights. "Please tell me you're spending the night so I have someone to make sure I don't drown in the toilet as I vomit all my mistakes from tonight." She comes up and throws an arm around Adelina's shoulders.

"I am at your service." Adelina smiles and Emelia cups her mouth and woo's into the air twice. "I'm guessing your parents aren't home?"

"Nope, my dads are at their three day anniversary spa with Ronnie and Kenny." She shakes her head and makes a funny face. "You think they didn't take me because they're all gonna have some sort of orgy?"

"Ugh, Lia!" Adelina shouts and they both start laughing. "I wouldn't put it past them actually... remember what we found in their closet?"

Emelia's face contorts into exaggerated horror. "Oh god, the fluffy handcuffs and endless amounts of rope, why did they need so much?"

"Your dads will never cease to amaze me at how different they are compared to all of our parents." Emelia just shrugs at Adelina and pulls her closer.

Her voice settles into a whisper. "So am I going to be sleeping alone while you and Zayn get it on in my guest bedroom?" Adelina's mouth drops and she playfully pushes Emelia at the shoulder.

"That was one time!" She laughs. "Besides, Yousef is staying at Zayn's so I hardly doubt he can make it over to yours unnoticed." Adelina doesn't tell her that he already left her bed this morning and she doesn't know if she can handle him leaving her in a bed they both don't know. Or worse, him leaving her and then going to hang out with her brother as if nothing happened.

"Bummer, I was so excited to hear the noises through my wall." Emelia fains a sad face and Adelina just rolls her eyes at her best friend.

The night continues with Adelina sipping two cups of beer and watching Emelia go through three and a few shots after she's played a game of beer pong as Yousef's partner. They won but Emelia still blames Yousef for her missed shots and blames Adelina for not being her partner. Yousef acts offended.

When Zayn finally arrives he's with two other guys who don't look at all happy to be there. Adelina watches him walk through the people who are dancing and trying not to spill their drinks more than they have already. His hair is gently pressed down and falling over his forehead, he wears a white long sleeve with the sleeves rolled up and tight black skinny jeans. He looks so soft, Adelina thinks. But the guys he's arrived with look rough, anyone paying them attention could tell they're not people you want to mess up with. Why is Zayn around those sorts of people? Adelina questions.

"You look really nice tonight." Her thoughts are cut off by a boy to her right, he's leaning against the table she's been sitting on waiting for Emelia to come back with another drink. The boy is Niall, she graduated with him and he looks at her with a soft smile. He's being genuine.

"Well thank you, Niall, how have you been?" She asks him and he decides to pull himself up on the table and sit beside her. Adelina doesn't mind.

"Good, getting ready for college. Where's Emelia?" He says and his gaze flickers around the lot to look for her erratic fireball of a best friend.

"She went to get more drinks for us, why what's up?" Adelina knows what's up. Niall and Emelia have been talking since the school year ended, they both really like each other.

"I just got here and haven't seen her." He laughs and that's when she comes walking from the keg. "Ah, there she is."

"There she is." Adelina nods.

"Here I am!" Emelia shouts.

Niall gets up to help her with the cups she's holding as she has a can of something else held to her side using her arm. By the looks of it, it's some sort of fizzy alcoholic drink. Emelia ends up taking her cup back from Niall and handing him the fizzy canned drink and he smiles appreciatively at her.

"He has to be home tonight, he can't be drinking beer, they'll smell it on his breath." Emelia says and tries not to make eye contact with Niall. Who's smiling at her all big and his blue eyes are wrinkling at the sides. Adelina tries not to be jealous over seeing others have what she wishes she did, especially Emelia and Niall. They're her friends and she should be happy for them, she is, but she can't stop the sour taste in her mouth when Niall's arms wrap around Emelia's waist while they all laugh and Zayn is only about twenty feet away drinking with her brother. They could be this, Adelina thinks, they could be in each other's arms and she could laugh with her head settling back on his shoulder. He could hide his smiles in her neck, his hands playing with her belt loops, her hands caressing his hands under hers. It's hard trying to ignore what you so desperately want when you're given more behind closed doors for the wrong reasons.

The thing about Zayn, it's easy to tell when he wants Adelina. His eyes will flicker to her while he laughs softly at something her brother says to him. He'll hold himself up straighter and push his shoulders back to make a show of himself because he knows she's watching. God, is she always watching. Adelina wants to make herself seem uninterested because even if he displays himself as someone who could care less about who's watching him, he does like knowing Adelina has eyes on him. So she turns towards Emelia and Niall as they let her into the conversation. Adelina sips her cup, maybe she should stop, but as she brings it down there's already a hand on her cup. Her eyes trail from her cup to the hand that's over hers. The rings click in recognition first and then it's the tattoos, to the long arm and lean torso.

"Zayn." Adelina looks up at him and he gives her a delicate smile.

"We're going to dance!" Emelia suddenly announces and drags Niall with her and Adelina laughs at her best friend's antics again. She looks back up at Zayn.

"Dance with me," Adelina smiles and Zayn's mouth opens to protest but she speaks again. "Yousef is occupied and he won't care anyway."

"Yeah okay," Zayn rolls his eyes and that's when he sees Yousef lead a girl away from the crowd and is starting to make his way to the sheds where they keep all the bats and helmets. "People will talk to him about what they saw."

Adelina shakes her head and laughs. "You act like we haven't danced before in front of him."

Zayn gives her a look.

"Okay yes, that's at family parties where we're trying to avoid our parents setting us up with their friends' kids but seriously, everyone is dancing." Adelina throws her arm out to reference the crowd and Zayn follows where her hand points. Adelina blames the alcohol in her system for acting this way, she wants to dance and Zayn is near her, so why not dance with him.

"I don't think it's a good idea." Zayn says and Adelina just huffs while she stands up from the table and straightens her jean jacket out and fixes the waist of her jeans. She throws her hair behind her back and stares at Zayn's expressionless face.

"'Kay well I'm gonna dance then." And maybe this is all a plan to see if Zayn cares about what she does.

"Adelina," His voice dissipates as she makes her way to the crowd of people that are all dancing next to the make-shift DJ set Toni had set up. There's a few LED lights flashing into the crowd of people and the music is echoing around the lot but no one cares as the alcohol is settling in their bones.

Adelina pushes herself to the middle of the crowd where strangers have decided to dance cohesively together. She sees Emelia and Niall's faces through the other bodies and she can tell if Niall didn't need to be home tonight, she would have needed to stay in the guest room anyways. When the music blocks out everything she can hear and she feels the beat in her chest. The colors of the lights flicker when she closes her eyes and she's moving her hips to the sound of the song. Hands find her waist and she doesn't push them off but she turns towards the body that owns the hands. She's met with a tall guy with quiffed up blond hair and he smells nice, Adelina doesn't actually mind her dance partner. There's no harm with dancing with someone, besides, Zayn didn't want to dance with her.

LIKE I WOULD

When another song is about to start she feels another pair of hands on her waist that pull her back and she almost stumbles if it wasn't for the steady hold of the new set of hands. She's about to voice her surprise when lips press up against her ear. "Dancing like that and thinking I wouldn't come here was really bold of you."

The guy she was dancing with quickly found comfort in another part of the crowd and she wants to roll her eyes because come on, Zayn isn't that intimidating. Nonetheless Adelina lets his hands snake their way to the front of her body and settle at the top of her thighs. His front is pressed to her back and her mind takes her back to the moments they're in this same position but their skin is touching and his breath is ragged in her ear.

"Thought you cared if Yousef saw us." Adelina tilts her neck to the left and lets Zayn's face rest on her shoulder. He bites his lip in thought and shakes his head after the thought has passed over his mind.

"He was occupied." Is all he says as the song reaches its chorus and he pulls her closer and she lets her hips press back into his. They're covered by the crowd and everyone around them aren't familiar faces and if they don't know them then Yousef won't. Zayn's hands have tightened their grasp and she takes it as a good time to turn towards him. Their fronts are now close and her arms have woven themselves around his neck and he settles at the bottom of her back to pull her even closer. They can't ever be close enough, Adelina thinks. His eyes are hooded and their noses are pressed together gently and meet in a eskimo kiss as their bodies move. She can't help but glance down to his lips and he wets them with his tongue. Her mouth parts as one of her arms slide from his neck and settle on his bicep. Adelina's jean jacket hangs slightly off her shoulder and exposes the skin where her neck and shoulder meet. Zayn brings his face from hers down to her neck and presses his lips there. She lets her head fall back. If anyone looked at them, they would see two bodies pressed tightly together, arms wrapped so desperately, faces hidden from the shadows the lights create. They probably look like lovers. Adelina's mind tells her and she agrees. They're never this close in public, never the way they are in her bed, late at night, catching their breath. She wants to remember this moment, keep it locked away in the center of her chest, the moment Zayn felt like he didn't need to hide her. She's in his arms and there are other people here to witness this too, the thing she wants all the time, in the refuge of her own room and in the presence of a million eyes. She wants this, she wants him, she wants everything she wishes they could be.

Zayn gets pulled from her and her heart drops for a second. Expecting Yousef to be there angry eyed and hurt, but it's the guys Zayn arrived with. Zayn looks to Adelina and then to them, his expression hard to read. Who the hell are they? Adelina wonders. She opens her mouth to speak but they whisper something to Zayn and he quickly follows them as they walk away. Zayn leaves Adelina without a word as the music suddenly gets louder and all she can feel is the ghost of his lips he's left on her neck. The ghost he always leaves.

[daughters-of-liberty]

I had abnormal periods. They got shorter and lighter, yes, but they would also start and stop even when I was being good and taking my pills every. Single. Day. I got so self conscious. There was one time my husband was in the mood and I just wanted to cry...because I "felt ugly". Idek what I meant by that. I gained some weight, but nowhere near as much as I've seen girls on depo gain. I had pretty routine headaches. My anxiety spiked, which caused my agoraphobia to come back after somewhat successfully being around people for a year without too many problems. My depression would come and go, probably triggered by my anxiety and/or self isolation due to agoraphobia.

I became somewhat distant from my husband. I didn't realize how bad it was until I got off of it, because I feel like I've fallen back in love with him. Hormonal bc can change what kind of man you're attracted to. This has been scientifically proven. For the past year, I felt like we were roommates who were intimate. And I'll bury this here, tmi: I was suuuper dry. Like sand paper, and nothing really helped for long. Since getting off bc, I've grown more patient with him and have been all over him with love and affection once more, instead of crying in bed feeling bad about myself.

Since getting off bc, I have better focus, I'm less flighty. I have a LITTLE bit more patience for things. I have LOADS OF ENERGY AGAIN! YAY!! Like, get up, get it done type of energy. It's been a minute since I've felt this good, generally speaking! Being in a good place, romantically, psychologically, emotionally, and physically (both sexually and geographically speaking) now, I feel me again.

Girls, don't go on bc. I know the libfems make fun of abstinence only sex ed, but seriously. Just wait for it. Learn from my mistakes. Reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancies and STDs and getting your heart broken by guys who wanna use you, and just wait. Because birth control? Yeah, it ain't it.

My doctor told me the real reason why ALL gynecologists push the Pill for endo.

It's not necessarily because THEY want to. It's because you can't get any other procedure approved by insurance unless you tell the insurance company you tried the Pill and it didn't work, or manage to persuade the insurance company you have some compelling reason not to use the Pill.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Y'all in the village that have seen me recently

I apologize, y'all will just have to bless this sweet darling heart

My eyes have become super sensitive to the sun and I have to wear sunglasses (i got $250 worth of contacts with my stimulus check -- 12 boxes including one free sample due to the brand i purchased being discontinued suddenly and my prescription being out of stock - contact lens.com, i highly recommend. I did send inal a photo of my valid prescription) Usually I'm extremely picky and don't buy the lightly tinted lenses. But Wal-Mart had them on sale and usually that's all they sell. Usually i get mine from eBay and spend hours if not days searching for them cute and dark, zooming in the photos to see how the tint is reflected, refracted and if i can see through it. Usually sunglasses are very honestly shown for some reason.

Anyway so these are so thin I forget I am wearing them!

So, I'm all parading in Wal-Mart in purple sunglasses and all in the drive thru like an I don't care diva!

I don't know the origin, yet. Or where it came from... If it was just an agreed upon practice by international law or if it's just me. Idk.

But i think its rude to hide your eyes when speaking to someone. Like its not something conscious. I didn't sit around deciding it was a pet peeve or some law, but when i was a waitress tossing pizzas out the drive through pick up line or just a casual shopper -- people in sunglasses and not lifting them or removing them always bugged at me and irked me suspicious.

So I've been all parading around completely unaware because I've had to wear regular prescription clear lenses for so long that I'm used to the weight of glasses, especially in public because that's the only time I wore them. They just became part of me

And the tint is just see through light -- like the same color of my regular daytime light in my bedroom that every one says is dark. And a light bulb does illuminate. I'm very vampire dungeon darkness.

So I just wanted to apologize that i been all looking like Miss Princess don't care.

I always refused to buy light lenses because i thought they didn't work or weren't worth it. The sun here is so strong. But they do definitely help and are so comfortable i don't know they're in place.

So I care but my eyes hurt a lot. And the contacts kind of made it worse. Like when I take my non insulin diabetic shot, after 10 to 20 minutes I can feel it go into the back of my eyeballs and it feels so good!!

Its not a super pain or uncomfortable and its more when I don't sleep or am upset. I guess my pupils dilate weird

Which my eye doctor before the last, I was on Percocet and well the same 13 prescriptions as well as a few more for pain and so on. And he told me to be cautious as my pupils don't dilate proper due to "being so heavily drugged"

So who knows. I just try to avoid light.

And these sunglasses help and I don't know I'm wearing them. So I'm not hiding behind a mask and cute tinted sun glasses. I'm just protecting my eyes and preventing pain.

Like i say. The pain is from the brain to indicate a problem. So there's a problem Idk how to diagnose and verify or solve. So.

Its not intense just pressure and an auto response to avoid light. Like my kid turns on the lightbulb and I'm all its so fucking bright!!!! Although now the florescent burnt out thank God because that gave me migraines. And I got an LED. But the choices ar the dollar tree were limited to be 60 watt equivalent when I prefer a 40 watt or 30 even.

So I notice the intensity in my eyeballs changing in response to the light

When we lived in Alabama and we were about to move to NYC and my parents had always said Florida would be our next stop.

And i developed an allergy to the sun. A real allergy to the sun. It's a rare condition. My skin would marblize a red color and I would begin to feel faint and/or throw up if I was in direct sun.

It was right after Denise had become Zulululu.

And so I still have remenents of the non contagious disease. Although I was kept from school for 6 weeks... Like my legs if get hot then they get itchy and the sun irritates my eyeballs.

So I always buy sunglasses but I don't always wear them but have them available.

My daughter has the blue light blocker AND the progressive lens so that in the sun they turn to a light see through sun glasses. Zinnie.com I think I spelled it wrong m allong with a basic pair of clear glasses with a anti reflective coat for like $5 I paid about $70 for both. Never had any problems with Zinnie and even leaving them in a hot car was no problems. But a pair from firmoo I paid extra for the anti reflective coat and the lens coating melted in the car. So I'll never ever buy from them unless its a keep in the house pair. Wearing contacts and losing one on the beginning of a road trip where i was expected to drive -- it fell out my eye and ripped - it was old. And I didn't know or think about it and i had no back ups!! So i had to suffer the whole week. Migraines and all.

So in my luggage I keep a pair of contacts or glasses even when it's in storage. I keep a pair of glasses in my car in case of emergency. And firmoo completely failed me.

I've bought half a dozen or so from Zinnie. I call it Zin-knee-uh although it's probably just Zin-knee.

And noooo problems. Even with the advanced lenses which do work and are great.

Because I wear contacts, I don't want to invest in a good pair of glasses but my daughter solely wears glasses so I find it important to protect her eyes.

I get the anti-reflective coating -- the mid level due to at night lights. Without corrective lenses, lights look like Ferris wheels.

I literally can't see shit but 6 feet in front of me. I guess other people are not much different so. Like can y'all see a person 100 yards away? Like no? Right? I can see shadows and shit but I can't recognize people with my eyeballs until they're all up on me.

My uncle always says I'm gonna need a scope to shoot at night. -.-

I'm not quite Mr Magoo but I'm lucky as he is. Thankfully. (He's a cartoon, check him out. He's in YouTube)

And so my drastic apology for blatantly running around in sunglasses all rude and shit. Is done.

Also, while I'm talking about companies -- avoid PANTENE FOR COLOR TREATED HAIR. It strips rhe color out and is complete crap and the worst ever.

Herbal Essence and Loreal Elive are both fantastic to keep color treatments in.

I thought it was just our hair but ive been using PANTENE and my kid Herbal Essence and I see the difference.

Also I like my hair curly. And lantern curly didn't do shit. But Herbal Essence Twisted always has worked great. Not my personal favorite scent but tolerable.

Y'all what i need is a curly and color treated hair shampoo and conditioner at an affordable price. I've searched African American products and haven't found any with those labels. So Idk.

My scalp and hair is ultra dry due to scalp psoriasis and i can go a total 3 months of no washing without looking oily.

So i love African American products and buy them proudly in secret for myself! But i notice their bottles are smaller and more costly.

Except i found a leave in oil for only $3 which i use when i don't dye.

Foreign oils can strip hair color quite well as well as dandruff shampoo.

So I'm always cautious about leave in oils and lotions.

But PANTENE is a FAILURE.

Its my main switch. I use herbal essence and PANTENE and Loreal. Its a fact using the same conditioner and shampoo leaves a certain coating on the hair to cause it to be limp and flat and dull.

So it's always been recommended to use a clarifying shampoo and conditioner for a week then go back to the reg.

The same effect or nearly the same effecf is done by switching brands. So that's what I do.

PANTENE is now out of the equation.

Tio Nacho is a fantastic shampoo and conditioner. My daughter's hair was always unruly. Curly and just wild no matter what. And tio nacho is the only brand,to tame her to look like a human and not a wild lion. But I haven't found color protecting and it's $8 for only 12 ounces and so I find that expensive.

I buy the huge 27 ounces for $7. So.

But I would buy it for her. It helped calm the oily and wild mane.

My friend brushed her hair once and she was so surprised m she said that was like warm butter, lol. Because she always had wild corkscrew curls and some random straight ones she looked a wreck 24/7.

Truly I didn't mind I knew the truth. But tio Nacho has some miracle up in it. Swear.

PANTENE doesn't even have ordinary skills it claims to have m

So we may put Aussie in our loopm we use Tressemme when the cash flow is low.

I used to do live advertising and did the 3 minute Aussie miracle conditioner and that was always nice. The formula changed and it's not as wonderful as it used to be but its average. So i haven't had them in our loop.

Dove we don't like. Hers gets oily and crazy and i don't like the oil stimulation it causes. Idk maybe it's good but ... It makes me feel ick. Which is sad because I really wanted Dove to work.

PANTENE was my first "luxury" shampoo and conditioner i bought myself because i was raised on V05 and if I was lucky and Denise was nice, Suave. She literally bought the cheapest. And never bought extra conditioner and So i had to ration it. So my first self purchase on my own was PANTENE. But it is now a failure. -.- and lives are ruined and especially hair dos.

So now i used to buy my ex V05 ha!

And i have an emergency bottle of Tressemme 32 ounce under my bed for color treated. Conditioner.

We buy conditioner 4x more than shampoo. Because we coat it all --scalp to ends -- brush it. Then i rinse the heavy coat i soaked in while watching tv and smoking then I give it a light coat on the ends again and rinse.

Shampoo we just use one handful and not two or three and it foams up and so we don't need as much.

Like i use 2 - 3 pumps on my scalp of shampoo then one maybe two on the ends. The scalp i scrub the ends I rub.

Like now i have to dye again so I'll use a dandruff shampoo and I'll end up scrubbing all of my hair and use like 1/4 a 12 oz bottle. To get any deposits and leftover film and so on off all the hairs so they absorb the dye better. Then no conditioner. Or a light coat to detanglr and comb and rinse quickly without a deep soak. Then sometimes i gently apply shampoo again without a good scrub. Just run it through to remove the conditioner. But not to allow tangles.

Im not an expert or anything but hair care is serious around here and Idk why PANTENE is trying to destroy mine and succeeding.

I spend $50 every 2 months on just hair. For two.

One girl with a Mohawk and my long to the waist hair.

Two sides of her head are shaved every 6 weeks and she gets the same bottles as i do and then she's all "i need more" 0.o. Honestly she washes hers more often than i do.

We have our own buckets of shampoo and conditioner. Nathaniel either uses it or poisones it so we have our own large Easter buckets. And we store our towels in my room too. Then we have a 3rd bucket in case i buy in advance or like now give up on a bottle we were trying out. Save it. For days of emergency. Running out or so on

But we do borrow from each other if one or the other is low we take from each other to use.

We have different body soaps and different hair needs sometimes. Like i want curly and she's all nah. Or she has Tio Nacho.

We come from a 3 bathroom house so we're used to having our own product. Let me say it that way. But we always are good about sharing if necessary.

But she actually has more demands for bath stuff than I. So like her loofah and her body wash and all that isn't used by me and she knows its only all her Because I have my own bucket.

I cater to my kid. I Like it seperate too because her stuff is more expensive. $7 body wash and mine is $3 if i buy it. Otherwise i use shampoo. I do have hair in my armpits after all. And so i see hers and im all hmmm let me try this and yeah... "Idk how i used half a bottle in one bath" so it is more expensive!! So

While I'm buying 2x the shampoo and conditioner to supply 2 buckets -- in fact i am not spending more. If we shared the bottles as a person would expect, then we would go through them faster.

2 people in one bottle

Vs 2 people in 2 bottles.

So I have to purchase less often than if we shared but I have to purchase more bottles.

So in reality i pay the same price but the schedule and cost load is different.

Like if im out of conditioner, i know she will be at some point so i buy two bottles. And it waits until she needs it. Unless i need shampoo, too.

Then if she if she needs the shampoos then we buy all over again.

The cycle of life told in shampoo and conditioner.

[helpami-flaffy]

I've been fat for as long as i can remember and I've really only gotten worse, the situation now is stable, but excessive weight and the shame that came because of it has really influenced my life.

I was chubby when I was little, and as soon as elementary school other kids started calling me names, started calling me ugly, fat, a cow and other colorful things that don't translate well into English, and I (being a very sensitive kid) just couldn't handle it, other than becoming more standoffish and violent, I started not going out anymore, I retired more and more into myself. I didn't want to go outside and play with others at the park or even just be seen by others and risk being made fun of. I also had my older brother at home that didn't help the situation (really he was the one that bullied me the worse about my weight).

With time I started to gain more weight, I started to feel really self conscious and consequently I started to neglect my hygiene and appearance,( I guess I either didn't care anymore or I thought that if I didn't even try to be 'beautiful' it wouldn't be me (and the fact that I was fat) that was the problem but just a lack of effort?), I stopped doing any sports and just sort of...disappeared?

I think I became depressed

Of course fat shaming wasn't the only factor, (I had lots on my plate), but looking back I can really see how the treatment I was given has influenced and given birth to many of the mental health (and health) problems I struggle with to this day.(for example I really want to start going to the gym, and even if I know nobody is going to actively bully me or insult me the idea and fear of what they might think sends me into literal panic)

So don't be mean to each other guys, most of us know it's not healthy to be fat, but spitting it in people's faces only does harm.

James Corden Responds to Bill Maher’s Fat Shaming Take