#and then eating something. yaye :)

[shalpilot]

given form

[crazytwinlee]

Feeling ugh....

Realised I haven't posted in awhile and I should figure out what my focus for this tumbler is...

I have no particular one in brutal honesty :/

So guess I'll go with whatever then?

Class has started for the semester. I'm taking a communications class as well as a math.

Math is... the usual yayness 😫

Communications has been interesting to say, learning a bit about different relations and how communication is heard/seen/processed. Have 3 reports due friday in there :/ procrastination is not a good friend. I have 2 out of 3 rough drafts done but no desire to work on them. As well have a test tomorrow :/ haven't nearly studied enough.

Started a new way of eating with the date-mate, it's been okay. Definitely a change on some fronts. Lots more cooking than usual.

Started my garden, had some tomatoes, corn and pepper starts planted and then a freeze came in and pretty much wiped them all out 😭 good thing I kept some seed starts aside and set up some new ones I guess.

Hasnt been warm enough yet to do much fiber work recently and it's been too wet aside from that and need a new chair for the sewing table for quilt work.

I should stop b*tch*ng and go do something, anything productive. Hope everyone is having a good day, or at least a more productive one~ 🌱☮

[thepsychicclam]

The worst part of social anxiety is not knowing if ppl’s reactions are reality or just in your head.

I have been battling with my head for weeks abt whether or not ppl are being cool or not with me. It’s easy to say “it’s all in your head!!!” But I’m terrified I said something to upset ppl or am just overall generally annoying to ppl.

i think the problem is that i went a few yrs with very few IRL friends. i had my sister and my bff, but other than coworkers and students, i didn’t have friends or ppl i went out with. when i moved to boston, it was literally my sister. and now, i’m making some friends. i’ve gone to dinner, to their houses, you know - having friends like a normal person. 

it’s hard. that sounds so STUPID. it’s not like we’re super close or anything. it’s very casual friends. but god, it triggers my social anxiety EVERY TIME WE’RE TOGETHER. my brain just whirls and overanalyzes and is paranoid and - it sucks. i hate spending every evening after interacting dissecting what i said and thinking i’m an idiot or said something wrong. i hate being around them and not knowing WHAT to say and being awkward and not understanding how to easily join a conversation and then trying and accidentally interrupting or speaking over someone. 

like i went to one of their houses friday night, and i was so anxious i was sweating through my clothes. and i swear, my life is like bridget jones bc that is me in any social situation. and there was a semi-cute single guy there that was nice and i tried talking to him, but i became monosyllabic and stumbled over my words and my brain froze and when he looked at me and smiled, i just kinda maybe smiled and turned my eyes to the floor bc i can’t look at a cute dude and smile wtf?????

like, i used to be able to socialize with ppl. wtf happened to me??? it’s like the last decade i have been in this whole with like 2 friends and my parents and very few other “friends”. talking to coworkers and students is easy. it’s short, small talk. and you can just not say anything and no one cares. but trying to talk to friends is so difficult. 

it doesn’t help that we’re VERY different. they’re very small town southern, not into geeky things. they don’t watch the same television shows and movies i do and don’t really read books. their jobs are very different. i like them - don’t get me wrong. but fundamentally, i feel so different. and sometimes i feel like THAT person bc they have barely left their tiny town in south carolina to do anything, and i’ve traveled all over the US and europe and lived in three different states and had like a zillion jobs and have all these interests and i just have stopped saying things bc i feel like THAT guy when i don’t mean to be THAT guy. i’ve just done a lot. it’s like the one thing i have going in my life. i have no friends, no boyfriend, no kids, but i’ve lived and traveled a lot of places and done a lot. 

idk. my depression is popping up. the semester is over, so it’s summer break. it’s a weird transition time. plus, i’m working from home so i’m just going to crossfit and that’s it. i’m not getting dressed in nice clothes or fixing my hair or putting on makeup. so i hate looking in the mirror right now. yes, i know i can do those things to make myself feel pretty even though i’m just sitting on the couch, but i’m just busy and don’t want to spend an horu of my day curling my hair when i could be, idk, reading or writing or watching a movie.

and i’m behind on my dissertation again. if you’ve been following me for awhile, you know i’ve talked about the dickbag dissertation director i have. which reacts very negatively with my anxiety and depression. i’ve got 4.5/5 chapters 1st drafts written. i have comments to revise on them. i want to revise, but i just have to START. but i’ve convinced myself (with zero support from the dissertation direct) that i suck and shouldn’t even be getting this fuckign phd. i know he doesn’t think i’ll finish bc of my life and mental problems, and i KNOW i can finish and prove that asshole wrong. it’s just...probably the hardest thing i’ve ever done. if i would have known it would have been like this, i either wouldn’t have gotten one or chosen a speciality i liked less just to work with someone who believed in me.

and i have the worst case of writer’s block i’ve had in ages. like i just stare at word. it’s been like that since like january. i just want to WRITE. i have so many ideas bouncing around in my head and i’m getting depressed bc i CAN’T write like i’ve broken something inside me.

this is all so stupid. it’s just a bad bad night. i’ve been having mild anxiety attacks for like 3-4 weeks, like low level anxiety and trouble breathing like there’s a band around my waist making it hard to get in oxygen. and tonight i just...idk...i don’t want to sleep bc i want to cry but i’m fucking exhausted. my sister had minor outpatient surgery last week that took a toll on her, and she’s been sick for like 4-5 mths, and i’ve been trying to take care of her, our new dog, the house, and my 2 jobs. and my disseration. and i did this research project in my research-based comp class this semester, which was really cool, bc i’m trying to bulk up the teaching/pedagogy part of my cv (bc i hopefully will be on the job market in the next year or so). and that took a lot of time, but i got accepted to 2 teaching conferences speaking about it, so yayes for that. and i’ve been keeping up with crossfit, but my diet has been kinda wonky, so FOOD GUILT and stress eating. and my parents were here helping me with my sister for like a week, which was great, except being with my parents is like a THING and the most exhausting thing ever. we just argue the whole time and they hate being at our hosue bc we do things differently than they do, and my mom kept making all these comments about how i haven’t taken good enough care of my sister for the past 4-5 mths that she’s been sick, and like they buy all this food and stuff to bring with them bc what we have isn’t good enough, or it’s snide comments like “well, they don’t eat BREAD...why don’t you use butter? i brought my own meat bc we don’t EAT that stuff...we don’t eat *insert bad food followed by eating different bad foods but getting mad when i point out the hypocrisy*” etc etc. and my mom has an eating disorder/body image problems (runs in the family, surprise surprise) which kinda floats over into me and things she says to me, and she constantly makes snide comments about me doing crossift, and like i love my mom, but omg i just want to be like WHY CAN’T THINGS BE GOOD WHEN YOU’RE HERE?? and that upsets me bc it’s like oil and water and i feel guilty. 

it’s just been stressful this year already. we’ve had a lot going on. i just need a break. but idek what i’d do with a break bc i can’t relax. and i can’t write bc of the writer’s block,w hich stresses me out, and when i’m watching tv, i feel like i should be writing or dissertating or working, so i’m just constantly in knots.

anyway. this is just a verbal vomit post to see if i could feel better and dissipate some of these anxiety/depression feelings and get to bed. 

<3

[forthelalaland]

Rest, finally!

After more than a month of sleepless nights, unplanned skipped meals, and no socially interactive weekends + no blogging moments (ugh miss this so muchyyy yup yup whut iz lifeu feels lyk em turning into a real zombie that time) – woohoo, I had time to be with myself again. 💖

Besides from love and commitment, I always wanted to follow the virtue of peace too. As in peace of mind, of heart, to my God, the world, and everything. Because I know without it, I will break down; will not function well, and will be at my worst. Well, it was on and off during my turnover period (2017 tbh) since I was stressed in accomplishing my tasks and at the same time, liked to balanced my priorities in every way as possible. But this Saturday, first of July, I was able to be myself again by being well-rested, perfectly rejuvenated, and fully alive once more. Oh what a beautiful feeling! I hope all days are always like this. :))

As usual, in order to make this another start of something new amazing, I had my advanced proper unwind session. Gooosh, been a while! I craved for it so much. Huehue. And what better way to spend the rest of the day? With the fam! Omo, I am missing my babies Yaye and Yan-yan and Tita Grace while doing this post. Because after meditating, I headed to grannies’ house to eat lunch so shoutout for my Jollibee’s chicken and spaghetti and bond with my Hawaiian family. Hahahahaha! We ate merienda at Chowking, played arcade, and dinner at Wang Fu. It was a wonderful day with my lovies. Indeed, so much love. 💖

But you know, when things are just beginning to heat up, suddenly, things happen. Today was a nice chance to live a happy story but ugh, it did not. Because that night, Mama and I went to the clinic to let the doctor see my medical results. Unfortunately, even if he is our family doctor, he did not gave me a med cert due to the x-ray. I understand, it is his signature and his pledge. This is for me too, he said. And so, I panicked. I was scared that I may be dying and mad because this illness can be caused by other people. What am I talking about? It is because the x-ray says I may have a tuberculosis. Eh there is a 50% chance since my dad is a smoker. Yup, I was mad because of that. More so when he talked rubbishly instead of being sorry. :(

The next day, I had my tests. Grabe, health is wealth! Since that day, I tried taking care of myself again. And guess what? I am negative. Thank you, God! Huehuehi. But at the back of my mind, I really think there is something fishy with the laboratory I went to. Details are confidential so I will shut up my mouth now. All I know is that I will just really gonna pay more attention to my body as it is the temple of the Holy Spirit and be grateful that I am still living in this world, having a good life, borrowed to and given by God. Thank you so much, my G! 💖

I am writing this post because I wanna share my realization about self-love. It is not so hard to distinguish being vain and self-worthy. Loving yourself means taking care of who you are because that is what it should be. It does not mean impressing other people in order to like you. Self-love means expressing yourself because that is you, just simply you. It is accepting that there are people who will challenge you down yet, you still treat them nicely and does not care whatever they say because you know what is real. Self-love means conquering your fears and stepping out in that zone, starting; trying; and learning something new, and giving your 100% with a pure heart. Doing those will give you your best self. Thus, you will love yourself more. 💖💖💖