#and then another one to see how the fuck are we getting this cyst out

[ishikawayukis]

going to the doctor is so annoying because they'll ask you to come 20 min before the appointment, they'll make you wait 20 min after your appointment because of course they're gonna be late, and they have you in for 5 min with an order to get exams done and you are standing there feeling like you just wasted one hour of your life

[chrissy-kaos]

**Health update**

So I never wanted to make another post like this but here I am.. I was hoping to just get better and never bring it up again.

To get those of you up to speed. I was diagnosed with CKD back in late 2021. I’ve been battling that for a while now. I’m actually doing really well in that regard. During a routine MRI in Nov 2023 for my kidneys we found what looked to be a hepatic steatosis and splenomegaly. It was later determined and I was diagnosed with hepatic tumors and splenomegaly. I also had a fairly large gallstone and what appeared to be a tumor/cyst on my gallbladder. We decided it was just better to remove my GB and the tumors all at the same time. So in January of this year I had laparoscopic cholecystectomy/tumor removal. That’s what the scars on my stomach are from. The tumors were tested and were benign. That was a huge relief. But it left my liver fairly damaged. I wasn’t to concerned about because your liver can and will heal itself. I recovered well and felt great.

Fast forward 9 months. I wasn’t feeling very well. So I made an appointment with my PCP and she wanted me to do a bloodwork panel. This is normal. We actually do blood once a month but really only check kidneys, thyroid, and hormones. So I did the panel and when the test results came in my Dr called me immediately. She ordered another AST/hepatic function panel for my liver, kidneys and pancreas.

After those test results came in she had me come to her office. I was met with her and a Hepatologist. They broke the news to me that unfortunately my liver not doing well according to the bloodwork. My pancreas/kidneys are actually pretty ok rn which is cool. But my total bilirubin is 1.4 mg/dl. At 1.5 mg/dl total bilirubin is where we really start looking at the possibility of Cirrhosis. If you don’t know what that is. Google it. Now I’m not saying I have this rn but it seems to be looking that way 🫤

They were telling me they could see my bilirubin trending up over the course of the past few months of bloodwork. Also previously being diagnosed with Splenomegaly which is a tell tale sign of Cirrhosis apparently. They’re pretty sure I have it or will have it. They want to run more tests and see how bad or good it is and we’ll go from there. It seems like they have a pretty good plan. Also for those of you that are going to say get a second opinion.. I got a second and a third. They said the same thing go figure..

So again I find myself going in and out of the hospital again. I don’t wish this life upon anyone. It’s not fun. Being chronically/terminally ill is no fucking joke. If it’s not one thing it’s another. It’s tiring and I’m soo tired. Honestly I can’t wait until it’s all over.. forever.

Anyway I figured I’d give you a bit of an update on my health and such. A lot of you ask in my DMs. It’s hard to answer everyone so a post like this gets it out there. But yea if you made it this far thank you and I love you 🫶🏻

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

[mcalhenwrites]

So my ovaries are producing thyroid hormones. Rare and weird, but yeah. They are doing that. Will have to see how it impacts my health/life. I was hopeful since google said it's uncommon for hyperthyroidism to be linked with this, but uh. Hahaha. My surgeon called today to let me know we have to test my thyroid levels now. And this was all discovered because it turns out they didn't just remove one cyst, I had a second, smaller one, and the biopsy on that uncovered this shit. I also was able to clear up a weird conversation I thought I hallucinated until a friend who was there confirmed it actually happened (listen, I was coming out of anesthesia) - my IUD basically dislodged during surgery, they had to put another one in. So the awful ass cramps I'm enduring atm might be related to going through "just had an IUD put in PART 2" and that kinda really sucks! I am tired, overworked, depressed about how I have little writing and reading time (and mostly don't have energy to even think about writing), doing everything in the mess of a body, and I had someone dump her work on me yesterday when I went in for another task. I went in to do baking and she bailed work, leaving me with all her receptionist duties. THE FUCK? (I barely know her, I haven't even MET one of the receptionists yet bc we never work together but I hear she's actually awesome. This one? Not so much. Not when she leaves me with 3 hours of her work to do???) Three more days of work. I soothed myself by putting myself in credit card debt to buy something I just really, really wanted to buy. Future me is gonna regret this, but fuck the world, I don't care, I'm fucking TIRED. And it's not like my life will get better or my books will ever sell! OR IF I CAN EVER FIND TIME FOR MY BOOKS ANYMORE LOL I WROTE THEM ALL NOW THEY CAN COLLECT DUST SO I CAN KEEP WORKING MORE SO I CAN NEVER OWN A HOUSE OR EVEN RENT SOMEPLACE AND I HATE MY LIFE ACTUALLY (to the levels of "I'm not sure I want it" which isn't true, I have found so many good friends IRL since June, I work with great people, I just... I need stability and I need time for writing or I will lose myself and never retrieve him again.)

[parricider]

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ 𝐑𝐀𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐋 (@timelocker):

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ she had given him a pamphlet two days earlier, and he recalled her words as she had put it in her hand, now as he stood in a crowd.

❝ dress up, ❞ she said, playful smile on her face. music festival in town, and she was excited to take the stage for herself.

❝ not gonna be a time-out concert, but hopefully whatever bozos i end up with can play a few good notes. ❞ rascal snickers, grin showing off a few teeth. ❝ you gonna be there, right ? when i take the stage. ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the lights of the stage move, pointing center. there's confusion, there's whispering and hubbub, confusion on the elevated scene. rascal stood there, guitar in hand, as the rest of the band that had just closed their number stare at her in disbelief -- their leader literally pushed off the stage.

❝ i want you to see. ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the mic pics up, causing mobians to cover their sensitive ears; it brings silence all around. rascal's foot slams on the ground, her fingers playing the first notes of her tune.

❝ MOBIUS !! ❞ gloved fingers keep playing, the intro getting longer. ❝ you callin' THIS a concert ?! where i come from, we call this a FUNERAL !! YOU ALIVE OR WHAT ?! ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the crowd bursts in response, the leaderless bandmates share another look. the drums begin to join in, then the bass. how easily she brings groups together. ❝ life's short, so spend it HAVIN' FUN ! spend it in EXCITEMENT ! spend it DEFYING what you know, make it SHORT, make it QUICK, make it WORTH IT ! so, together -- ❞

❝ LET'S BE ALIVE !!! ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ HAVOC’S FUCK SAKE . . . NO. he sure as hell was NOT having even a lick of ‘ FUN ’. he wasn’t exactly having a chipper ol’ festive time being nauseatingly-carouseled around in some WILE E COYOTE x RUBE GOLDBERG TORTURE MACHINE COLLABORATION thrown in as a 100000x bonus points area in some LAUGHINGSTOCK PINBALL GAME, where he was the ball. nope. his minds cape was already retrograding into completely-losing-his-shit-mode; already scheming up a whole arsenal of oh-so persuasive sick-note excuses for being M.I.A from ras’ stage-heist that she has been giddily conniving for the past two days. . . a performance that he had PROMISED he’d be there for. for her. for the first time, as a friend, but . . .

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ HE WAS THIS CLOSE. THIS CLOSE TO SPIN-BARRELING THROUGH HIS BRITTLE THRESHOLD OF PATIENCE. . . some fucking boozy meathead gator dude had already unknowingly ka clinked their elbow-épée hard, brain-schismingly hard, against the hedgehog’s forehead when they had dipped down to slabber drool all over their girlfriend, & oh-ho. oh yeah, that slug definitely knocked out a pretty hefty glass CHIP out of one of the lenses of his favorite pair of shades. YAAY. . . FUCKING EN GARDE. CHEERSH.

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ quills bristled the fuck up as scourge excruciatingly attempted to quash the spumous urge to grab that gator by the tail & slam them hard against the ground, & knock a chip of bone out of their horndog cranium, because. . . he. . . didn’t want to risk siphoning away any lick of attention from HER. but at the same time, he was admittedly. . . getting more & more antsy about being here ( he felt like a malignant, pustule-ly GREEN CYST jutting out like a sore quill in a leaf pile on the curbside of some cul-de-sac nestled somewhere within the seventh layer of prime paradís– or wherever the fuck– whatever. WHATEVER. HE DIDN’T BELONG HERE. )

BUT SHE DID. SHE BELONGED EVERYWHERE.

. . .

SOMEONE’S REALLY EDGIN’ OUT HER USUAL ‘ PUNCTUAL ’ SHOWIN’ UP UNINVITED. SOMEONE’S REALLY TAKIN’ HER SWEET ASS TIME FOR ONCE, HUH ?

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ when the hell was she. . .--

MOBIUS !!

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ NOW THAT’S THE CATHARTICALLY EXHILARATING ENTRANCE HE’D BEEN CAMPING OUT FOR LIKE A MIDNIGHT RELEASE. . . the stage lights almost sentiently illuminated the moebian savior; the liberator, the deus ex machina, the interdimensional defender. . .

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ JOT THIS DOWN IN YOUR COUNTERFACTUAL HISTORY BOOKS, MOBIUS. moebius isn’t  irreparably far gone, because WE HAVE HER. get schooled.

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ a single gloved fist is pumped up into the air, thumb & pinky fingers sticking out to resemble devil horns as scourge’s gaze locks with rascal’s.

HE WANTED HER TO SEE THAT HE DID SHOW UP

HE WANTED HER TO SEE THAT HE WAS LOCKED & LOADED TO FEEL ALIVE

TO REALLY FEEL ALIVE. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[n1ghtm4r3-p01s0n]

Lemme go on a tangent real quick;

I fucking hate that the movies can’t dare show Carrie being fat when she was in the book.

That was a CRUCIAL decision by King. As someone who was mocked and bullied for being fat, learning Carrie was too practically changed how I viewed the story. Nearly everything in that story was my lived experience.

Over-religious helicopter parent who accused their own child of devil worship for just breathing? Check. Fat girl being mocked and belittled and pitied by people who see her as ugly because she is fat and stupid because she is fat? Check.

Even at the end, Carrie doesn’t die in peace. People write “Carrie White burns in Hell” on her grave. This isn’t just bullying; that’s full fucking malice. And making Carrie a conventionally attractive girl was one of the worst decisions horror movies has ever made. (Not to diss any of the performances though; they literally and metaphorically killed.) Carrie is SUPPOSED to be outside of the societal conventions of normal and attractive.

Taking that away doesn’t make anyone stop and think about their actions. About the way they talk about themselves and others when they gain a few pounds. About the way they react to themselves or another getting some kind of acne or cyst or whatever else. About the way they treat themselves or another for getting injured, may it be a broken bone or a third degree burn. About the way speaking down about one’s appearance is shaming an entire heritage, simply cause that heritage lead to something considered at this moment in time as “unattractive”. About how cruel it is to put beauty and intelligence on the same pedestal, saying anyone who isn’t conventionally pretty isn’t smart when that is far from the fucking case.

This art? That’s what Carrie should’ve looked like the whole fucking time. Acne, eyebags, fat - a normal fucking teenager. Cause that’s the cruelest part of her ordeal; nothing she did at any point justified the cruelty she was forced to endure. Her not knowing about periods isn’t a justification for being belittled when she’s practically naked in the girls locker, or having blood poured all over her on prom night.

Hollywood; if you remake Carrie again, DO IT RIGHT. Show us a Carrie who looks like a normal teenager. Show us a Carrie who doesn’t fit the mould of “model perfect blonde popular high school girl”. Show us a Carrie who stands out from the rest of the student body. That was the entire point. The point of the story is we learn to empathise with Carrie and really hope she can overcome it, hearts breaking as she snaps and becomes the monster she was forced to be. The monster we force ourselves or someone else to be.

Rant over.

Novel carrie

[benefits1986]

Peace Tea

Is peace the absence of chaos or is it choosing to be still amidst the seemingly unending mess?

The past weeks of another new year has been really curious. First stop, my the closest brother of my dad is now undergoing radiation as his cancer reached his brain. He's currently practicing how to move around with his wheelchair and will be back soon from Singapore. My tita who we grew up with in one house is seeing progress in her battle with liver cancer but even when they can be considered affluent, expenses just keep piling up. A few days ago, my brother updated me that he now has two cysts in his kidney. Dad is not coping well since nerbiyoso talaga siya. I can feel his center of gravity is being tested. Nabasag pa niya kanina 'yung prized Beatles glass ko na pang-taho ko or pang-iced matcha. He messaged me and told me: Nabasag, natural sad. I've been egging him to go out of the house more kasi staying in might just make him "spiral" more. He's been asking me why things are happening that way.

With less sarcasm and an ounce or two of lambing, I tell him that good things and bad things happen to good and bad people. Ganun talaga. While being on the preventive side, if cancer is in your family tree, 'wag ka ng kabahan. Even when you try to have a healthy lifestyle, it can only take you so far. It may well just be part of the whole circle of life. You get things you deserve, in the same manner that you gets things you do not deserve. I told dad: 'Di tayo puwedeng magkasakit or mag-buckle because our family needs us at our best, whatever that means. LOL. I also aligned my doggo babes na bawal munang magkasakit kasi magja-Japan pa ako. Kaya bahala sila diyan. Choz. Buti na lang talaga may Japan trip akong parating kasi 'yun na lang talaga ang glimmer ko for now. ;) Baliw na kung baliw, but that's how I egg roll.

I've been getting lines like, you seem to look blooming. UHM. Now, I try my best to say thank you na lang kahit parang baliw lang 'yung mga ganitong comment. Speaking of which, tawang-tawa ako kasi may isang curious question na binato sa akin. You seem like you're doing thirst traps because you have this Jap OOTD vibe. Syempre, I breathed muna before my pakawalang sagot: I don't do thirst traps. They do not apply to me. I dress depending on my depression, my mood and my laundry. I don't really give a shit about what people say so as long as they don't fuck my core. I also had a comeback, a curious one: So, na-thirst trap ka ba since ikaw naman nag-bring up niyan? Sinagot naman na: I appreciate your look. Hindi siya cringe. Me: So, it's safe to say, it's a yes, then? Tumawa then tumahimik na.

Muntik ko na actually sabihin na practice Jap OOTD kasi 'yun pero sinabi ko na lang which is true naman din talaga na ultra femme era ko ngayon. Kaya case closed.

Side Note: May mala-tito akong taga-OOTD check kasi trip niya ring mag-comment as a tito vibe 1000000. Kaya, mas lalo akong unbothered since medyo maarte 'tong mala-tito na 'to na akala mo walang pake, pero, meron, meron, meron. Side Note 2: Daming time ng mga taong mag-comment noh? Hahahaha. 'Yung dating favorite line ko, balik ko lang: Wala akong pake kung naabala ka kasi ikaw 'yan. More importantly, 'di kita inaabala. Ikaw nangaabala sa sarili mo. Basta, don't get in my way lang. Thank u, next.

LOL. Peace tea. Peace, teh.

Peace is choosing to breath better and deeper even when things are firing up and are over ice na mala-North Pole galing. Peace is finding a sanctuary that comes from within. Peace is not the absence of chaos; it's about making sense of the mess, the fuck ups, the shitballs, the mental and figurative blue balls, too. Peace is when you laugh at ugh and icky circumstances from poor choices and poorest choices, too. Peace is forgiving yourself and the universe, too. Peace is your surrender after the end of your fight or flight chapter. Peace is enjoying small talks and believing that things will come around, eventually. Kung baga: Relak lang, as V says. Relak. Peace is also the aura glow in spite getting really bad news that spell life and death. Peace is smiling at life and death, too.

Since we're on that topic na... let me share... If noon, I prayed na 'wag muna akong mamatay kasi sobrang lungkot ko, ngayon andun na ako sa point na, I may not achieved a lot, but, I have made decent strides sa chapter ng life ko na 'di na ako super duper sad. I guess this is really my overdue moving forward sa mom issues ko. 'Di naman ako super happy, pero if I die today or tomorrow, I think I'd be able to say that I fought a good fight even when getting a one-way flight is better. This is not a suicide note ha. It's actually a milestone.

Life is indeed super short and usually, it's not well lived. So, while we have time, let's make things happen, unti-unti. Let's also let things go and flow, because, whatever's meant for you will find its way to you and be with you through it all. Tiwala lungs.

Nagababalik po. It's really Ariana > Taylor.

[jenniefromdblock]

Drained

[Originally posted on JULY 21, 2021 ]

I rushed my mom twice to the ER the other day (7/16/2021) due to her complaining about an excruciating pain on her left side.

I woke up with her moaning in pain around 7am, so I immediately got up and packed a lot of disinfectants and my laptop (I had to work) and drove to 2 goverment hospitals’ ER. The 1st one just referred us to the 2nd, the 2nd just prescribed meds. They were prioritizing COVID patients, even though their ERs are empty (shoutout to the 2nd which is QCGH). I’m not going to comment on how they handled our situation because I know they have their “reasons”. Since Mom was still in so much pain, we went ahead to Capitol Med. Yes, I know it is private and expensive but fuck it. It’s Mom.

We arrived at around 11am (I had no concept of time, I just wanted the day to be over) and we were immediately attended to. Mom was hooked up to an IV (omeprazole at first, then liquid paracetamol), blood works, urinalysis, and xray were done. When I asked her, she says the pain was level 8 and went to intermittent. There were also times that it goes away. According to her urinalysis, they found specks of blood, so they Rx’d Mom to be CT scanned for suspected kidney stones. During that time I kept on asking her if she can manage the pain, etc. She was like meh, and we were already given prescriptions so we decided that we will sign the waiver to not perform the CT Scan at that moment (the reason and backstory later). We were discharged around 4pm.

I was able to settle a bit when we got home and go back to working. Not even two hours later, Mom was again writhing in pain and she was crying “Lord, please make it stop.” Her pain tolerance is so high that seeing her in that situation was very alarming, so thats when I decided to ask my sister to call an ambulance (I was no longer in the right mental and emotional state to drive at that moment) while I prepare the stuff we need in case she gets confined.

We were brought again to Capitol Med because at least they already know us, the guard was literally like “Uy, parang kanina lang…”. We agreed to do the CT Scan and results says the pain is caused by kidney stones.

Also, even though my Mom doesn’t feel anything, they saw an 8x12x12 benign cyst on her right ovaries. While the doctor assured us its nothing and can be treated easily, they referred us to an OB GYN, who explained the next steps for treatment to us.

Honestly at that point, I hear garbled messages. I can no longer process anything because all I worry about was how the fuck am I going to pay for the hospital bills because I am super bankrupt.

The Backstory: I was retrenched in December 2020 and we were trying to survive off my separation pay (which isn’t that big amount so if you ask me, no I didn’t even have the chance to enjoy it). In April 2021, I got a freelancing job and I am in contract until December, which I am very thankful for. But what I earn is just enough for the utility bills and monthly groceries for 3 people. Yes, I also have been the provider in this house.

I only have Php 1,000 ($20) in my bank account. I have 2 credit cards that I have not been using and been paying off so I can cut it.

But I had to. I maxed out the limit of my first credit card to settle the hospital bills during our ER Visit #1. I had no choice but to do the same for my second to pay off ER Visit #2, not to mention the prescribed medicines worth 2 weeks. Oh btw, the OB GYN consultation fee needed to be paid in cash, so yeah goodbye 1k. Before, I psych myself bankrupt but I still have like 10k+ in the bank. But now, I am literally, really, very, zero balance.

At this point I am not sure how will I be able to bring her to a urologist, another OB GYN session and possible operation.

Well, going back to the main story… we got home around 12am. Mom was still in pain but at least we know the cause. Also, the pain reliever works so Mom was able to sleep enough.

I am still mentally and emotionally drained. Most of all, financially.

So that’s how the day went.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #145

New tats in your near future? I'm getting my coverup finished the 26th of this month. After that, I'm sure it'll be awhile.

How about piercings or re-piercings? Probably not, but I'd really like to.

Are there any rooms in your house that you don’t go into every day? Yeah, I don't always go into Mom's room and bathroom. I basically never go in the dining room, but it's not really a unique "room."

Who else do you know who has the same favorite color as you do? Idk off the top of my head, but pink is definitely a popular favorite color.

Have you ever had a tattoo covered up or added to? That's what's going on with the one I mentioned in the first question. I want two more coverups, though. One is just in a bad spot and I want to redesign it and put it elsewhere, but the other is another attached to a person I can't stand anymore.

Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Once upon a time, yes; Jason's first real gf was Rachel, who I had a very hard time with in high school because she got extremely jealous of Juan pursuing me over her (she literally threatened me), and then she had stuff to say about me having a thing for her "leftovers" when Jason and I got together. I have no problem with her now, we're actually friends on Facebook that have talked and interact, she's great; people grow and I'm not going to keep her leashed to shit she did in high school.

Do you have any relatives with red hair? No, not that I know of. My maternal grandmother dyed her hair a mild red for as long as I can remember, but it wasn't naturally that color.

What is tomorrow’s weather forecasted to be like? Weather app is saying between 63-80*F with an 80% chance of thunderstorms.

[TW: SUICIDE] Have you ever known anyone who committed suicide? She was an online friend so could never verify, but I pretty fucking confidently believe she did. I know of other people.

What’s some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Having a very infected cyst drained, a hemorrhoid, breaking my wrist, healing from a concussion...

What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Normal spaghetti with marinara sauce, and meatballs are a good addition.

Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go over there? Go there.

Have you ever had rabies? No. I remember doing an essay on it in high school though, so I learned a lot about it... not that I remember almost any of it, lol.

Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot? Realistically I probably do. My sister Nicole was bitten badly by a dog once, but because he was a domestic pet with vet records I don't remember if she needed one, I don't know the protocol on that.

Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb? I feel like while in Ohio I took the teeniest bite of deer jerky, but I don't totally recall, I know I was extremely reluctant. I'm quite interested in trying lamb though, just with its reputation of being delicious.

What is your favorite parody movie? I don't really have one, I think.

What is your least favorite ice cream flavor? I hate strawberry.

Does your car have heated seats? No.

Have you ever been tempted to steal? I think there was one occasion as a kid, but I didn't do it.

Would you rather travel to Ireland or Japan? Ireland.

Does tickling turn you on? NO

If you could go over to someone’s house right now, whose and why? Girt's, just because I wanna see him and hang out, but we will tomorrow.

What is the age gap between you and your parents? My mom is older by one or two years, I forget which.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Is this enough? Two, and yes.

Have you ever video-chatted with someone you met online? No, I've always hated video chatting with people I do know.

Do you collect anything, or have you ever? I've been collecting meerkat stuff since I was young, and I also have a decent chunk of Silent Hill stuff. I'd love to collect Rammstein stuff too, but that's definitely a pricier sort of collection.

When was the last time you used Facebook? Not long ago, I tend to check it a few times a day.

How many siblings does your best friend have? He has one older sister, also named Ashley like mine.

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally or mentally unstable? Yes.

Be honest: are you clingy? I know I am, at least to a degree. Girt has told me though that he doesn't feel so, instead appreciating that I give him "him" time whenever he wants it (we're the kind of couple that can just straight-up tell each other no to hanging out that day just because we need private time and no one's offended at all), but I still know in my core that I'm a clingy person.

Have you ever had bronchitis? No, but I watched Jason suffer with it and I have NEVER heard coughs like those ever before or since, it was awful.

Have you ever had a reptile for a pet? I've had two lizards and three snakes.

Are you afraid of the dentist? VERY FUCKING MUCH, something that only became a thing in recent times because of neglecting my teeth for so long and now I'm paying for it. Now that PT is over, I want to get my wisdom teeth extraction scheduled (the one on my right has a cavity close to the nerve, so it needs out ASAP), but I am so, so scared, because we can't afford the cost to put me under anesthesia. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do it.

Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Only because I was forced to.

Who was the last person you cuddled with? Girt.

How would you feel if your significant other (or possible partner) told you they dislike having sex, but do so with you to make you happy, even though they personally think it’s a chore? I have no idea how I would react to this, honestly.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t around but their phone is. Do you look through it? No, that would indicate some core problems in our relationship. I trust him.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I'm pretty confident I will be, Girt and I are doing great.

Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? Yeah. That was the case with my first real crush, and then with Jason after we split and he started dating someone else.

Do people ever compliment your eyes? Sometimes, mostly on pictures.

Have any of your exes ever given you roses? Jason and Tyler.

Do you think your last ex ever thinks about you? Not in a positive way.

Would you rather have salad or french fries for a side dish? Fries.

Which one of your relationships was the shortest? Juan, we dated for less than 24 hours lol, so he barely even counts.

Which was the longest? Jason, three and a half years.

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up with you? No.

Would you feel hurt if your last ex is in a relationship? Not at all.

Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? Very unlikely.

Do you like BBQ sauce? No, I actually hate it a lot.

What do you like to do when you’re home alone? I don't do much differently, honestly. I'll sometimes unplug my earplugs and listen to whatever without them, but that's it.

Should the guy always pay for the date? Absolutely not, I'm personally in favor of whoever planned it paying, but I also think taking turns is fair.

What kind of music calms you down? Generally my favorite songs, because they have fuller attention from me so I'm better distracted, and I also often resort to the Shadow of the Colossus or Silent Hill games soundtracks for this.

Do you know anyone who has autism? My niece does, a friend's daughter does, I'm sure a couple more, and I'm fucking FINALLY being evaluated for it myself soon.

What is your favorite way to eat eggs? I'll only eat them scrambled and very preferably with cheese, or as lil bits in fried rice.

Do you like Frozen? I've genuinely never gotten the appeal of it. The icy scenery and magic effects are cool, but that's the end of it for me.

Who is one of your heroes? My mom.

Do you enjoy hot chocolate? I do, but not when it's made with water, it's gotta be milk.

Do you use Instagram often? I browse it daily, but I don't post a lot.

If you got a kitten, what would you name it? It would depend on their gender and appearance.

Do you have a Pinterest account? Yes, it's full of photography inspo, hairdos and colors, tattoo inspo, and primarily Rammstein pictures now, lol.

Do you prefer a quiet or noisy environment? Quiet, excessive noise really stresses me out.

What is one question you don’t like being asked? What my job situation is.

Who is someone you know who is talkative? My nephew, haha. He goes a thousand miles an hour from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep.

When was the last time you saw one of your uncles? When my grandma was on her very last leg and my Uncle Rob was driving her from Florida to New York; they stopped at a hotel for us to meet up. Now this uncle is the scum of the fucking earth that my family - even his own siblings - don't associate with anymore. His ass is going to end up in jail.

Do you know anyone who plays the violin? No, but that'd be dope.

Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things? Both my parents (especially my mom) love metal and rock music, and my mother also enjoys writing, even though she doesn't do it a lot, though I wish she would! She wrote a poem semi-recently that she got me to look at and critique and it made me SO happy to see her creating, because she really does enjoy that, especially as crafts and crocheting. My dad likes video games, as do I.

Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? Ozzkat, which I use for a lot of places.

Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? OH, FOR SURE. This is NOT a rare occurrence.

If someone told you that we live in a society that hates women, how would you respond? I would wholeheartedly agree with you. I know a lot of it is done while completely unaware, like plenty don't think they hate women, but their actions speak otherwise, and I'm trusting actions as the true show of morals and values.

Can you remember the last thing you thought and subsequently thought, “wow, I really shouldn’t be thinking that”? I can't remember the last, but it absolutely happens seeing as I often have intrusive thoughts.

[livingwithlosingyou]

Living with Losing You - 01/12/2023

It’s Thursday! I had an early physical therapy appointment again, and I graduated with my resistance bands! 

And they added extra exercises which was cool. Issue was, my stomach was still really messed up from Tuesday night. I did power through, but that only got me so far.

I ended up working most of the day from home, but I did go to Mission Valley for PT so I work from there for a little bit. I was trying to find Sadie‘s insurance card for her food because she ran out, but I couldn’t. So I had to go and get her a new card today. While I was at PetSmart, the cashier asked me if I modeled and then offered to do a free photo shoot. I guess it’s a compliment? It was a little strange, but it was a pick me up that I needed.

I also got to talk to another friend today which was nice because we had not caught up in a while. I’m also meeting her for lunch tomorrow which will be great. We used to work together.

Practice today was rough from a personal perspective. I tried to run and I almost passed out because my stomach pain was so bad. If it continues I should probably go and be seen tomorrow to figure out what is going on. The team was very excited to see me and I was very excited to see them! I am looking forward to this track season and to the potential for cross country. You would be again, so proud of me. I know you are proud of me currently.

Once I was done with practice, I stopped at the store to pick up some food to eat because my stomach is so sensitive right now, made a quick meal, and then just hung out. My evenings have been pretty chill since I have not been feeling the greatest. Marissa was having a bad day, so I did invite her over to have an ice cream that I bought since I couldn’t eat it. That was a bit of torture.

Really hoping that the stomach pain goes away, and also that my visitor aunt Flo does too. Not to be TMI but also this is my blog lol, I got a new birth control in my arm to hopefully help with the cyst. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is continuous bleeding and has been a while at this point, while over a week. These are all the medical things that you would be helping me with if you were alive, and sometimes it’s really hard for me to go to the doctors because you were my advocate in a lot of ways.

Anyway, I need to find a supplement so I don’t become anemic or something. In addition to whatever the fuck is happening with my stomach. It’s pretty crazy what impact stress has in the body… Really crazy.

Today I also found out that somebody that I went to high school with passed away. It’s very likely that he took his own life as well. He had reached out to me when he found out that you passed, and said that he was so sorry and that he understood the pain haven’t gone through suicide from a personal and professional standpoint. It just breaks my heart that he got to that point. It still breaks my heart that you got to that point.

It really made me think about how I need to live the rest of my life because you can’t. I honor you by living, even when I feel like I want to die at times.

Love you.

Rest In Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

[aquilamage]

fell asleep. multiple times.

first is another from sky islands that's a secret anonymous groupchat. Interesting word choice for the "sliverist" group to be called Sliver of Ocean. idk.

Really the main thing to be getting out of this one is more Five Pebbles's Whole thing Going To Shit (technically speaking we don't know it's five pebbles talking here but come on. it would be wild if it wasn't). Basically him going like 'ok what if sliver of straw was right. we gotta at least consider the fucked-up science solution.' I don't know what "crossing oneself out" is specifically meant to be except that it's implied death is a simpler version of it.

Also the "what if there is no universal solution." Well he was right on that part at least we know that now.

I don't think you could make any real declarations on the identities of anyone else listed there, although I will put in that I'm thinking UU might be Seven Red Suns, based on literally nothing but a random vibe.

second one was from subterranean. A conversation between Seven Red Suns and a new iterator: Chasing Wind. About Five Pebbles. First, Seven Red Suns's "Unless worrying about him counts." like oh they are friends at least that way around.

Then before we get to the meat of the thing of what's been seen of Five Pebbles's state: I can't believe the other iterators are bullying him in the groupchat. very rude

But he's got "the rot," which is a fun new unnerving concept. Based on my initial/ongoing sense of Wrongness on seeing the stuff in Five Pebbles's area and the bit about "big cysts have become mobile" specifically in the "legs," I'm assuming it's the blue tendril beasts and the stuff that looks like them that was growing in Five Pebbles. I also gotta assume there's some greater significance to the fact that there's already a name for this stuff aka it's not just something affecting him.

What's then interesting is that going from that Chasing Wind wants Seven Red Suns to talk to him because they're one of the few he still listens to, apparently. The implication that the rot and whatever's going along with it is something he can be talked out of.

Then of course the last two sentences coming in with a steel chair: "Does Moon know?" "Moon has been unavailable for some time."

First time we hear about Looks to the Moon from a source outside of herself (world's saddest yay)! So whatever happened to Looks to the Moon to cut them off from everything has likely already happened by this point :/. And then of course the question to me becomes: did Moon know (before right now)? I'm gonna guess they had at least an inkling because of the lines about him being sick, corrupted by his own experiments etc (although they also say he's severely deteriorated between present and the last time they'd heard of him)

Also the fact that Looks to the Moon was brought up in the first place. A little bit probably because of physical proximity but I also gotta wonder if they're also part of the "someone needs to talk to him" train of thought. Like, Looks to the Moon clearly knows Five Pebbles decently well and such for how much and what she's said about him but we don't actually know right now how much they agreed or talked or got along or whatever. hm.

(sidenote I gotta actually start keeping track of 1)all these iterators now and 2) the numbers I'm guessing are dates)

so I have gotten two colored pearls between yesterday and today and I will yell about those later but rn I am soso close to the end of the game so I'm gonna see how many times I get eaten by lizards navigating filtration system first

[spine-buster]

I thought you said you were catholic? How can you be for abortion and claim to be catholic? Abortion rights are not human right, the sanctity of life supersedes this. As a catholic you should know and do better. Also you shouldn’t be posting this on your blog, we don’t come here to see that messaging.

Oh my darling, you are so very lucky that you sent this to me at a time when I've finished teaching for the summer, but you're still going to get educated today.

Don't you dare come on my blog and tell me what I can and can't post. For the record, if you're here for my fics, I want you to know that every single one of my OFCs is extremely pro-choice and have zero issue with abortion. If that's ruined my stories for you, oh fucking well.

I was born and raised Catholic, work in a Catholic environment, and I still practice the faith. However, there are portions of my faith that I staunchly don't agree with. That's healthy. You're going to sit there on your little keyboard and send me this message seriously? How many lives have been saved from stem-cell research, which the Catholic Church is against? What about birth control and how it tackles not just fertility, but a range of women's health issues like cysts and hormone imbalance that women used to literally die from? How can you argue that it's okay that women still can't become priests? Moreover, how can you justify the Church's covering up of systemic sexual abuse of young children and nuns? The hoarding of their wealth? The colonization they participated in and continue to participate in?

I wrote that abortion rights are human rights and I fucking meant it. You want to come on to my blog and talk to me about the sanctity of life? What about the sanctity of life of the person carrying the child? The sanctity of life of a clump of cells does not supersede anything. What if a person is not religious and doesn't believe in sanctity? Why should they abide by a Christian set of principles (but more on that later)? What about the life of the 11-year-old who was raped by her uncle and now has to carry his baby? What about the sanctity of her life? Or is she just some jezebel harlot who was asking for it, hmm? What do you have to say about that? Why is it that a group of cells has more rights than an 11-year-old child in Texas, in Georgia, in South Dakota, in Idaho? If a living, breathing, human being has been stripped of their right to bodily autonomy, privacy, and health, what is left? What goes next? They have already lost their ability to choose what is the best course of action for them in their life -- so who is to choose for them? Their father? Brother? Uncle? Their priest/deacon/pastor/religious leader? What right do they have to make a decision for another person?

"As a Catholic you should know and do better" bitch shut the fuck up. I do know better and do do better. Jesus never said anything about abortion. And don't even attempt to throw Leviticus or any other Old Testament verses at me. The Last Supper brought about the New Covenant, and Jesus' death is the basis of the promise in the New Covenant. The Old Covenant between God and Moses / Yahweh and the Hebrew people, with obedience to Mosaic Law is, for lack of a better term, deemed null and void because of Jesus and the Last Supper. Luke 22:20 explicitly states "And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying 'This cup that is poured out for you is the new and everlasting covenant in my blood.'" THIS IS LITERALLY SAID DURING EVERY MASS BEFORE WE RECEIVE EUCHARIST. This is like basic Catholicism 101. If you had paid attention in religion class or Sunday school you may have remembered this. And, like, I'm not even gonna get STARTED on Catholic social teaching and the Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy.

Good fucking riddance. Get the hell of my blog and never come back.

[aforrestofstuff]

Oh fuck it’s been two weeks already uuuhh Chapter 148 expert review time!!

Sorry for skipping out on chapter 147. I was too busy doing nothing.

First off: oh my god it’s normal Garou my sweet boy I haven’t seen you in ages—

Also a lot of people have been pointing out the height difference in this pic, and I was gonna say that could be attributed to Bang always being hunched over but he’s definitely not hunched over here!! Fucking manlet! Little bitchboy! Googoo gaga bitch! Gonna get his ass beat by an 18 year-old prick while also being short. Pick a struggle, Bang.

Ngl I thought Garou’s irises were tears for a second and I got all up in my shit about it but turns out he’s just cooked out of his fucking mind. I mean, his brain is medium rare at this point. What the fuck is up with him. Why is he standing like that. Why are his feet so skinny??? He’s standing on pogo sticks??

I thought Garou and Bang’s little dumpster scuffle was pretty cool. Murata’s fights are always really well choreographed and his posing is amazing. Only issue is I kinda thought their inevitable beat-down would be a little more climactic? The story thus far has been pretty plateaued and we haven’t really had a proper buildup towards this moment, I think. It’s just been one fight after another, and so far this feels no different. But, I could be getting too far ahead here. The fight’s just begun, maybe something will happen that’ll shift my opinion. But so far… yeah this seems like just another segment of punches being thrown.

I will say though, I do like Garou’s obvious improvement in this rematch with Bang. It was kind of expected since he’s gone through a lot since the Hero Hunter arc, but seeing him actually land a solid hit on the old fuck was really satisfying. He’s grown! He’s gotten stronger! Good for him! He’s still going to hell for nearly killing Mumen, though. But good for him!

Garou’s nonverbal-ness throughout this fight does bring mixed feelings in me, though. I was kinda looking forward to he and Bang’s banter; like maybe they’ll reveal things about Garou’s past that we didn’t know about or something. A few people have brought up that it could be because Garou’s asleep in this fight like he was with PPP and Darkshine, and if that’s the case then I’m a little disappointed. This confrontation was long overdue, and if Garou’s not even lucid throughout it then that could be a lot of character growth being missed out on. But like I said, it’s still early on. Maybe things will change.

I’m thinking impure thoughts.

Man what the FUCK is this.

Also, what he says here kinda stung at first. Like, wow, Garou is more teachable when he’s literally a monster that just makes animal noises and doesn’t have any signs of even being lucid?? Made me a little nervous about how Silverfang treated Garou in the past, since he’s kind of treating him as just a vessel of strength right now, not as something that was once human, much less his beloved disciple. I know Silverfang is objectively Not a good teacher or caregiver but I wasn’t expecting him to just disregard Garou like that.

I talked with Kiyoko about it and turns out it’s a bit of a translation error. Silverfang does say that, but it’s with no regards towards younger Garou and more towards how present Garou is a lot more receptive to picking up techniques. So, it’s more just banter and not a “I’m disgracing all the years I’ve taken you under my wing” sorta thing. I’m happy about that. One of the more compelling things about their relationship is the lingering guilt and love Bang still holds for Garou.

EDIT:

Also I just love the “you twisted punk” line. A lot of the dialogue in the manga is a little eeeehhh sometimes (not at the fault of anybody, by the way. Translations just be like that) but that line just feels so human. Very boomer, very witty, very funny.

So, Amahare and Nichirin are both dead but hey we got a funky lil’ sword and side quest out of it.

Portal magic, motherfuckers. I thought the use of his necklace for this was really clever.

I’ve said before how I thought the manga was overloaded with deadly situations and yet lacking death, but boy has Murata turned all that shit around. Granted, I still think the heroes have too much plot armor but this is a nice change of pace. Now we got actual blood being shed. Yay.

We had some reveals here, which I thought were cool. Apparently Nichirin was Kamikaze’s teacher, which gives me some feelings. Nichirin was also Spring Mustachio’s teacher, but Spring Mustachio is nowhere near Kamikaze’s level yet. So, Nichirin died before he could see Spring Mustachio become a master, and Spring Mustachio watched his master die without having completed his training. That shit’s fucked! The council of swordsmasters is disbanded, so who the fuck is he gonna have as a teacher now? Is he gonna go under Kamikaze’s wing? Because clearly, we haven’t seen all of that fucker (and his disciples) yet. Now we got a fucking side quest for some gay little sword or something.

This makes me… kinda excited for Kamikaze’s arc? Like, holy shit we might actually get a decent chunk of the story told around him (and maybe Spring Mustachio if Murata doesn’t forget about him because I certainly did). Idk if this is the best place for this massive lore drop but yay now Kamikaze has a working sword and a life mission to go on once we get up to speed with the webcomic. Also RIP Nichirin, your character was just used for plot progression lmao sucks to suck.

Golden Sperm looks like the shit I took today. I knew this was coming from the webcomic but nothing could’ve prepared me for the actual cyst this dude is.

Also, his gay little mask or whatever is literally just a face copy of serious Saitama lol. I fucking hate this bitch I want to stick him in some soup broth and whack him against a brick wall until he no longer making a schlorping noise. Anyways.

In conclusion, still stan Bomb because he’s trying his fucking best, even after getting his shit rocked by an 18 year-old edgelord lmao. Also, he didn’t rip his shirt off pre-fight like a fuckboy.

[juuls]

So the good news is I’m not dying (well, let’s give it another 50 or so years then check back on that 😋)

I told a couple people but mostly kept it between my dad and I; at least, I told him stuff before my besties because I’m a daddy’s girl and I wanted comfort and hugs and someone physical to cry on.

And okay, look, what I’ve been experiencing is nowhere near as bad as others have it, but this was the worst case of nauseating gastrointestinal distress I have ever experienced to the point I woke up at 3am this morning, threw up for the 10th day in a row, clutching at my upper abdomen and barely able to walk (no one else was around to help me get there). Anyway, no one wants cramps where they’re not supposed to be on women—felt like when I ruptured an ovarian cyst a few years ago along with kidney stones another time, just felt higher up the abdomen.

Two points about the personnel at hospitals and how people with fibromyalgia get treated. One bad, and one surprisingly good.

The triage nurse told me I shouldn’t be wasting hospital time (there was no else in the waiting room because it was goddamn 5am) and that all ‘normal visits’ should be conducted through general practitioners/family doctors. Never mind the fact that the 2018 census showed 241 doctors for every 100,000 people. Which is abysmal, and I’m so lucky to have the same one for 20 years now. Anyway I told her in a snippy tone (I get bitchy when people imply I’m a hypochondriac or wasting people’s valuable space and resources as a disabled person) that a) it currently takes 6 weeks to get an appt with my doctor and that’s why I book two months in advance, but am shit out of luck if something pops up between all that. Like, I get a d understand and take precautions with Covid. But like??? Sometimes people need to have their abdomen poked and prodded which…

Might actually save my life/or from a long recovery surgery, or a lifetime of having to plan his and grandma’s days around his (I’m now learning: hereditary— thanks grampy) disease. But yeah this female doctor in probably her late thirties comes in and actually TAKES ME SERIOUSLY. I did also start the meet and greet by expressing concern over her doing what countless others have done…. Blame it all on the Fibromyalgia (oh you have a concussion Tommy?? Keep playing, it’s just your fibro!” Bitch please. Anyway. She said she absolutely understood and would help me figure out what feelings were fibro, and which were abnormal for anyone. Reminds me of this tweet I found around this hellsite:

But I’m so grateful she listed and she actually ordered all the blood panels they have available at this rural hospital, took x-rays, did a physical exam… and after all that and the tests she semi-smiled at me and said “well it’s not fibromyalgia” and I about cackled.

But yeah, if you start throwing up for no reason for 10 days in a row (plus some other gross things I shall not mention), please go to the hospital. Apparently I have something fucked up going on in my large/small intestine and perhaps colon. She was worried enough about me, since they don’t have the tech there except x-rays, that she said she’d bully my do tor into seeing me sooner so he can arrange some, uh…. Well; some not bad; some uuuugh…. tests to figure out wtf is going on.

I didn’t even know what was going on! So hard to explain pain when you’re in pain every day. Bah. But she helped and had excellent bedside manners and took me seriously. One of the best feelings as a fibro patient.

Only problem with it not being fibro… is you only have deductive reasoning and tons of tests to do. She told me if I don’t vet these tests done, I could die from a rupture or whatever term she used. Though I do know what sepsis is! Yay! *rolls eyes*

I’m just glad I didn’t talk myself out of going to the ER, because I was worried it ‘wasn’t serious’ enough…. Yeah well, your body can lie to you! Jerk body.

So yeah now I have a plan of action, new medications to hopefully last me until the more thorough tests are conducted.

I don’t want to be (more) sick, but I’ve always believed in knowing what can happen to your body even if it’s a bad thing. And maybe we caught this early.

All I can ask for now is this, though: please please please no more upchucking every day, or at leat only for a few days.

God, it’s been a miserable 10 days, but I still somehow feel better. Knowing does that. :)

(P.S. I’m not intending this as a ‘woe is me’ thing because sometimes people do care about how their friends are doing, and also because I am a hug supporter of listening to your body and judging WHEN not IF you go to the doctor about it. I hope this post helps that attitude somewhat.)

Anywho, we’ll see how the tests do (whenever that may be, because of Covid) and treagmt with meds a d adjust food until I learn more.

Take care. Be safe. Stay well!!!! ❤️

[audacityofhugefics]

Hysto journal #2

Long overdue for this, but as I’m sitting here watching this egregious, horrific stuff going down in Kyiv I thought, “Why not pull my mental real estate away from this and focus on something a little less rage-inducing.” And I do mean A LITTLE. The hysto is indeed ALSO causing me rage. But we’ll get to that.

First I guess I should talk a little bit about what all went down with the surgery. My dad went with me to the hospital. I love my dad more than I can ever really adequately express. I mentioned in my last post that I found my old journal and that I could see how my grief colored a lot of my personality, and my relationship with my dad is a really good reflection of that. I was an absolute monster to my dad after my mom died. He could never do anything right, as far as I was concerned. I thought of him as this old, bumbling idiot. With the wisdom of hindsight I can see that this was related to grief. I missed my mother. I wanted my mother, and he was not my mother. And that was a PROBLEM. So I lashed out. Irrationally, emotionally, and illogically. 

This was on my mind when we went to the hospital on the morning of my hysto, because he was taking a day off work to support me in my voluntary sterilization (even though I know he would LOVE biological grandkids), and is willing to help me with this whole phallo thing later in the year. So I apologized to him about how mean I was as a teenager, just in case I died on the operating table. He said that all his kids have been mean to him over the years, and he’s used to it, and he doesn’t hold it against us. But still, I’m real fuckin’ sorry about it. The dude is my fucking hero. I would never be so mean to him now.

But I digress. We arrived at the hospital and were very quickly separated so I could prep for surgery. They made me take a damn pregnancy test. LOL. As an ace forever alone asshole, that amused me. I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been since I’ve had sex with a biological male, but it’s definitely double digits. But protocol is protocol. I told the nurse, “Even if I am pregnant somehow, go ahead and take the uterus anyway.”

Next I had to get naked and cozied up on the stretcher after wiping off with some pre-surgical wipes. They put in my IV and, weirdly, gave me a whole bunch of drugs to swallow orally, including some narcotics. They said it was to help the pain when I woke up, which, like.... Sure. But the other effect was that I was completely blissed out by the time all these people involved with the surgery came by to meet the person they were cutting open. I was cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. They put that shower cap on me and I was like “Oh I think I saw this on Project Runway.”

I had been waffling back and forth on whether or not to keep one my ovaries. Taking both out essentially means that I have no risk for cancer or cysts down there, but I am committing to taking hormones for the rest of my life, because bad things happen when there are no hormones in the human body. I told the doc I wanted both out just so I’d never have to think about it again, and I do intend to continue with testosterone until I eventually die in a motorcycle crash. So who cares. But a part of me was like, “What if you get old?” But you know what? Fuck it. Taking them out will keep me accountable. And they have those nifty T pellets now, maybe in another five years those will be more readily available and I can get those put in for E-Z hormones. So when the doc came by before the surgery I said, “OK we’re good, get these things out of me.”

Anyway. I went under, they did the thing, and I woke up. I had a lot of nausea after I woke up, way more than I remember having after my top surgery in 2007, or when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, which are the only other times I’ve ever gone under general anesthesia. I didn’t have a lot of pain, I just felt nauseous and tired and bloated from the gas they inject so they can maneuver in your abdomen. But pretty much as soon as I woke up I was slurring jokes to the nurses, although sadly I cannot remember what I said. They had one nurse who watched you while you were still in that phase where you can’t quite stay awake, and then another who takes over when you can sit upright in a recliner. The sleepy-time nurse was sad to see me go, I could tell. I can’t even remember her damn name, but she was very kind and always seemed to be around whenever I needed something. 

The next nurse also loved me, although I think she was annoyed when I banished her from the bathroom when I tried to pee. I was like “I have trouble peeing under the best of circumstances.” Which is true. I’m not a good pee-er. Peeing is actually one of my main and only sources of gender dysphoria. I don’t like having to sit to pee. Unfortunately, peeing is like the entire focus of the recovery room after anesthesia, because they need to make sure you can do it before you can leave. I was able to get a few drops out, but then I started to REALLY feel like I needed to barf so I pulled the cord and they brought me back to the recliner. I had the barf tray in front of my mouth, that’s how close I was to barfing, but then the nurse waved this PEPPERMINT STICK thing in front of my NOSE and I NO LONGER HAD TO BARF. Has anyone else ever heard of this before??? It was a fucking miracle!! All urge to barf, gone immediately. I’m keeping some of those peppermint things in my bathroom from now on.

I should mention that by this point my dad had been sitting out in the waiting room for about 8 hours. Which is WAY longer than I thought we’d be there. It was all my fault, the nurses thought I was ready to go but I was so worried about not being able to pee. I was apologizing to my dad over text and to the nurses constantly, and they were all like “Dude literally shut up.” In a nice way of course, but still. Heartwarming.

This hospital where I had the hysto is working on getting a whole trans health program up and running, and I believe I was possibly the very first trans patient this OBGYN (who will be associated with the program) had done a hysto for. Eventually this facility will be doing other surgeries for trans patients too, like phalloplasty and vaginoplasty, which is rad. Unfortunately they won’t be offering the type of phallo I’m looking for (which is abdominal), but it’s nice to know there are doctors literally right down the road from me that are offering the other kinds (RFF and ALT) if I change my mind. All the nurses know that this is something that’s being set up for their hospital and they were very curious to hear about phallo in general. I ended up being the last patient in the unit for the night, so the nurse spent a long time chatting with me about it until I felt ready to go. She wheeled me downstairs, asked if she could give me a hug, and then my dad took me to his house.

I don’t live with my parents anymore but I stayed with them for the first few days. I was up and walking pretty much immediately. Really, I felt fine. The worst part was the gas, just like everyone says. It basically felt like I always needed to fart, but I could never, EVER fart. Farting would have involved strain, and strain hurt. Luckily that phase passed after a few days and basically as soon as I was pooping again, I was ready to go home. So my dad took me back to my apartment and I’ve been here ever since.

On the Friday after the surgery “Horizon: Forbidden West” came out, so I basically played that every waking moment. In case you’re curious, I liked it but I had some big issues with it. Where are the cubes on the minimap that point you to datapoints??? Why do I have to scroll through so many damn things to find my potions??? Where’s the whistle command??? But I loved the story a LOT. Overall, 7/10.

Now let’s talk about the infuriating part: The insurance is denying all my claims!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to understand, I work in medical insurance. I know how this works. I know how the game is played. I KNOW these services are covered. I KNOW the insurance company is making a mistake in my benefits administration. But it doesn’t make it any less stressful. I called them a few times trying to get a straight answer about why these things were being denied, finally I talked to a supervisor (who was also trans!) who confirmed that they are being denied because the diagnosis (F64.9 if you’re curious) is excluded. So this is not something I can fix by calling the insurance anymore. I went right to HR. So the benefits team at my HR department is looking in to it as an urgent matter, considering they’re going to end up denying about $40,000 worth of eligible expenses for me.

I’m trying not to be worried about it. If anyone is equipped with the tools to fix this, it’s me. But if HR comes back and says the claims are denied correctly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wouldn’t trust them with my phallo, that’s for sure. Most likely I’d go looking for another job. Shit, maybe I’ll go back to Starbucks. They definitely cover phallo.

The thing is, “Transgender surgery” is SPECIFICALLY listed as a covered benefit. I think what the insurance company wants is for the providers to bill with the diagnosis F64.0 instead of F64.9, and if that’s the problem then that means I have to wait to be billed by ALL these providers so I can call their billing department and ask for supervisors until I can find someone who understand that they need to change the diagnosis codes on their claims. It would be ridiculously time consuming and difficult, for essentially no reason. Here’s what these codes stand for:

F64.0: Transsexualism F64.9: Gender identity disorder, unspecified

Excuse me, WHAT? Are you trying to say that gender identity disorder is not a valid reason to have transgender surgery? Do I need to call the insurance company and explain that the nomenclature of the word “transsexual” is steeped in history and debate among the trans community and there’s nothing that makes it more valid or medically legitimate than “gender identity disorder,” and that to claim otherwise is disingenuous? Am I supposed to call up an outsourced customer service department in India and say “Your insurance company is truscum?”

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough. 

TL;DR: The hysto was very easy, but now my insurance company is being a butthead.