#and then another one to see how the fuck are we getting this cyst out

[chrissy-kaos]

**Health update**

So I never wanted to make another post like this but here I am.. I was hoping to just get better and never bring it up again.

To get those of you up to speed. I was diagnosed with CKD back in late 2021. I’ve been battling that for a while now. I’m actually doing really well in that regard. During a routine MRI in Nov 2023 for my kidneys we found what looked to be a hepatic steatosis and splenomegaly. It was later determined and I was diagnosed with hepatic tumors and splenomegaly. I also had a fairly large gallstone and what appeared to be a tumor/cyst on my gallbladder. We decided it was just better to remove my GB and the tumors all at the same time. So in January of this year I had laparoscopic cholecystectomy/tumor removal. That’s what the scars on my stomach are from. The tumors were tested and were benign. That was a huge relief. But it left my liver fairly damaged. I wasn’t to concerned about because your liver can and will heal itself. I recovered well and felt great.

Fast forward 9 months. I wasn’t feeling very well. So I made an appointment with my PCP and she wanted me to do a bloodwork panel. This is normal. We actually do blood once a month but really only check kidneys, thyroid, and hormones. So I did the panel and when the test results came in my Dr called me immediately. She ordered another AST/hepatic function panel for my liver, kidneys and pancreas.

After those test results came in she had me come to her office. I was met with her and a Hepatologist. They broke the news to me that unfortunately my liver not doing well according to the bloodwork. My pancreas/kidneys are actually pretty ok rn which is cool. But my total bilirubin is 1.4 mg/dl. At 1.5 mg/dl total bilirubin is where we really start looking at the possibility of Cirrhosis. If you don’t know what that is. Google it. Now I’m not saying I have this rn but it seems to be looking that way 🫤

They were telling me they could see my bilirubin trending up over the course of the past few months of bloodwork. Also previously being diagnosed with Splenomegaly which is a tell tale sign of Cirrhosis apparently. They’re pretty sure I have it or will have it. They want to run more tests and see how bad or good it is and we’ll go from there. It seems like they have a pretty good plan. Also for those of you that are going to say get a second opinion.. I got a second and a third. They said the same thing go figure..

So again I find myself going in and out of the hospital again. I don’t wish this life upon anyone. It’s not fun. Being chronically/terminally ill is no fucking joke. If it’s not one thing it’s another. It’s tiring and I’m soo tired. Honestly I can’t wait until it’s all over.. forever.

Anyway I figured I’d give you a bit of an update on my health and such. A lot of you ask in my DMs. It’s hard to answer everyone so a post like this gets it out there. But yea if you made it this far thank you and I love you 🫶🏻

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

[justkidneying]

Spinal Cord: Tract Lesions

This is the second part of this series. The first explains these tracts, but it really is just to make this easier to understand. Not required to read for this post.

Here, we're going to look at different lesions in the cross section of the spinal cord to see how transverse cuts affect the nervous system. This post won't really get into different levels of lesions and very specific injuries, that will be in the next post.

Also FYI: contralateral means opposite side and ipsilateral means same side.

Brown Sequard Syndrome

This is a lesion affected the entire half of the spinal cord (right or left). It can be due to penetrating trauma, disk herniations, tumors, tuberculosis, or demyelinating diseases. It will affect the dorsal columns (DCML), spinothalamic tract (STT), and the cerebrospinal tract (CST).

Alright so since we know the STT crosses the midline about two levels above where it enters the cord, we know that there will be a loss of pain and temperature sensation on the contralateral side of the body two levels below the lesion. We can also know that there will be a thin strip of ipsilateral loss.

Because the DCML does not cross the midline until the medulla, we can know that there will be an ipsilateral loss of fine touch and proprioception below the level of the lesion.

Now for the CST. There will be lower motor neuron (LMN) signs at the level of the lesion, as the synapse of it and the upper motor neuron (UMN) is lesioned. LMN signs include decreased muscle tone and reflexes, and flaccid paralysis. The UMNs will be cut off below the level of the lesion, giving us UMN signs: increased muscle tone and reflexes, and spastic paralysis.

This is because the LMNs below the lesion are fine, and just receive no "refined" signals from the UMN, leaving them to do their own thing. When the LMNs are lesioned however, they freak the fuck out and go limp. So the muscle receives no signal whatsoever. And the UMNs are in the spinal cord so obviously if the wire is cut there is no signal down the tract.

Another thing is that if this lesion is above T1, then you get ipsilateral Horner's syndrome, which will lead to a droopy eyelid, pupil constriction, and absence of sweating on that side. This is due to damage to the sympathetic nerve fibers, which leaves parasympathetic function unopposed.

Central Cord Syndrome

This is due to something pressing outwards from the central canal of the spinal cord. Most likely, it will be due to the formation of a syrinx, which is a cyst in the middle of the spinal cord. This can be formed due to trauma, or be due to something like an Arnold-Chiari I malformation.

This will generally affect the anterior white commissure (how fibers cross in the spinal cord). This will affect the STT, which will lead to a bilateral loss of pain and temperature sensation below the level of the lesion, as fibers from both sides are compressed as they try to cross over to the other side. Typically, syrinxes are found in the cervical area, which leads to a cape-like distribution of sensation loss.

If the syrinx gets bigger, it will also start to compress the CST. This will first lead to LMN signs, and then UMN signs as it gets bigger.

Anterior Cord Syndrome

This affects the anterior 2/3rds of the spinal cord from injury to the anterior spinal artery (you only have one). It leads to deficiency in the CST, STT, and autonomic fibers. You'll see a bilateral loss of pain and temperature, UMN signs bilaterally, and bladder dysfunction (aka pissing one's pants).

Posterior Cord Syndrome

This is rarer, as you have two posterior spinal arteries. However, if both get damaged, it will cause a lesion to the posterior 1/3rd of the cord. This affects the DCML.

Another posterior lesion of the DCML is Tabes dorsalis, which is an advanced form of neurosyphilis. This is a demyelinating disease. It will also affect the DCML (obviously).

Since the DCML is bilaterally fucked, you will get a loss of fine touch and proprioception below the level of the lesion.

Subacute Combined Degeneration

This is a demyelinating disease that affects the DCML and lateral CST. It is due to a lack of Vitamin B12 (this is found in animal products, so vegetarians might want to supplement). It can also be caused by nitric oxide gas inhalation.

SCD usually starts with an increase incidence of falling as proprioception is affected. There will also be a tingling or numb sensation in the hands and feet, as well as UMN signs. Because of how the topography (fuck is that the right word??) of the spinal cord is, the hands and feet (called a "stocking and glove" distribution) will be more affected.

Conus Medullaris Syndrome

Alright, the conus medullaris is the end of the spinal cord and it plays a role in bowel, bladder, and sexual function. It is somewhere around the T12 to L2 vertebrae (it's a lot higher than most people think. Your spinal cord really isn't that long). A lesion will result in sudden and (usually) symmetrical symptoms, and both UMN and LMN signs. The LMN signs will cause the legs to be floppy and areflexic. Some people get what's called "saddle anesthesia," which is numbness in the areas where your ass and legs would touch a saddle.

Bowel and bladder dysfunction will present very soon after the lesion. This will cause decreased rectal tone, urinary retention, and an absent bulbocavernosus reflex. That last one is tested using the anal wink test. This is a reflex that makes the bunghole "wink" at you when you stroke the glans penis or clitoris (look at how much you're learning today :D).

Cauda Equina Syndrome

So the conus medullaris gives off a bunch of spinal nerves that continue through the vertebral canal in order to exit at the correct level. It looks like a horse's tail, no joke. A lesion between L2 and the sacrum will cause injury to these nerves.

The symptoms will usually be gradual and asymmetric. There will be motor impairment, but remember these are spinal nerves, so it will only be LMN signs that we see. The bowel and bladder dysfunction is similar to those in CMS. The main difference here is that we only get LMN signs and that they are typically asymmetric.

End Notes

The next post will go into a bit more fun stuff for writing. Most because I think a lot of people don't know what level of the spinal cord leads to what. But it can be really confusing, so no worries. We'll look at more specific injuries like stabbing someone in the spine. I know you guys like that, lol.

[mcalhenwrites]

So my ovaries are producing thyroid hormones. Rare and weird, but yeah. They are doing that. Will have to see how it impacts my health/life. I was hopeful since google said it's uncommon for hyperthyroidism to be linked with this, but uh. Hahaha. My surgeon called today to let me know we have to test my thyroid levels now. And this was all discovered because it turns out they didn't just remove one cyst, I had a second, smaller one, and the biopsy on that uncovered this shit. I also was able to clear up a weird conversation I thought I hallucinated until a friend who was there confirmed it actually happened (listen, I was coming out of anesthesia) - my IUD basically dislodged during surgery, they had to put another one in. So the awful ass cramps I'm enduring atm might be related to going through "just had an IUD put in PART 2" and that kinda really sucks! I am tired, overworked, depressed about how I have little writing and reading time (and mostly don't have energy to even think about writing), doing everything in the mess of a body, and I had someone dump her work on me yesterday when I went in for another task. I went in to do baking and she bailed work, leaving me with all her receptionist duties. THE FUCK? (I barely know her, I haven't even MET one of the receptionists yet bc we never work together but I hear she's actually awesome. This one? Not so much. Not when she leaves me with 3 hours of her work to do???) Three more days of work. I soothed myself by putting myself in credit card debt to buy something I just really, really wanted to buy. Future me is gonna regret this, but fuck the world, I don't care, I'm fucking TIRED. And it's not like my life will get better or my books will ever sell! OR IF I CAN EVER FIND TIME FOR MY BOOKS ANYMORE LOL I WROTE THEM ALL NOW THEY CAN COLLECT DUST SO I CAN KEEP WORKING MORE SO I CAN NEVER OWN A HOUSE OR EVEN RENT SOMEPLACE AND I HATE MY LIFE ACTUALLY (to the levels of "I'm not sure I want it" which isn't true, I have found so many good friends IRL since June, I work with great people, I just... I need stability and I need time for writing or I will lose myself and never retrieve him again.)

[parricider]

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ 𝐑𝐀𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐋 (@timelocker):

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ she had given him a pamphlet two days earlier, and he recalled her words as she had put it in her hand, now as he stood in a crowd.

❝ dress up, ❞ she said, playful smile on her face. music festival in town, and she was excited to take the stage for herself.

❝ not gonna be a time-out concert, but hopefully whatever bozos i end up with can play a few good notes. ❞ rascal snickers, grin showing off a few teeth. ❝ you gonna be there, right ? when i take the stage. ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the lights of the stage move, pointing center. there's confusion, there's whispering and hubbub, confusion on the elevated scene. rascal stood there, guitar in hand, as the rest of the band that had just closed their number stare at her in disbelief -- their leader literally pushed off the stage.

❝ i want you to see. ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the mic pics up, causing mobians to cover their sensitive ears; it brings silence all around. rascal's foot slams on the ground, her fingers playing the first notes of her tune.

❝ MOBIUS !! ❞ gloved fingers keep playing, the intro getting longer. ❝ you callin' THIS a concert ?! where i come from, we call this a FUNERAL !! YOU ALIVE OR WHAT ?! ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ✮ ⧽ the crowd bursts in response, the leaderless bandmates share another look. the drums begin to join in, then the bass. how easily she brings groups together. ❝ life's short, so spend it HAVIN' FUN ! spend it in EXCITEMENT ! spend it DEFYING what you know, make it SHORT, make it QUICK, make it WORTH IT ! so, together -- ❞

❝ LET'S BE ALIVE !!! ❞

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ HAVOC’S FUCK SAKE . . . NO. he sure as hell was NOT having even a lick of ‘ FUN ’. he wasn’t exactly having a chipper ol’ festive time being nauseatingly-carouseled around in some WILE E COYOTE x RUBE GOLDBERG TORTURE MACHINE COLLABORATION thrown in as a 100000x bonus points area in some LAUGHINGSTOCK PINBALL GAME, where he was the ball. nope. his minds cape was already retrograding into completely-losing-his-shit-mode; already scheming up a whole arsenal of oh-so persuasive sick-note excuses for being M.I.A from ras’ stage-heist that she has been giddily conniving for the past two days. . . a performance that he had PROMISED he’d be there for. for her. for the first time, as a friend, but . . .

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ HE WAS THIS CLOSE. THIS CLOSE TO SPIN-BARRELING THROUGH HIS BRITTLE THRESHOLD OF PATIENCE. . . some fucking boozy meathead gator dude had already unknowingly ka clinked their elbow-épée hard, brain-schismingly hard, against the hedgehog’s forehead when they had dipped down to slabber drool all over their girlfriend, & oh-ho. oh yeah, that slug definitely knocked out a pretty hefty glass CHIP out of one of the lenses of his favorite pair of shades. YAAY. . . FUCKING EN GARDE. CHEERSH.

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ quills bristled the fuck up as scourge excruciatingly attempted to quash the spumous urge to grab that gator by the tail & slam them hard against the ground, & knock a chip of bone out of their horndog cranium, because. . . he. . . didn’t want to risk siphoning away any lick of attention from HER. but at the same time, he was admittedly. . . getting more & more antsy about being here ( he felt like a malignant, pustule-ly GREEN CYST jutting out like a sore quill in a leaf pile on the curbside of some cul-de-sac nestled somewhere within the seventh layer of prime paradís– or wherever the fuck– whatever. WHATEVER. HE DIDN’T BELONG HERE. )

BUT SHE DID. SHE BELONGED EVERYWHERE.

. . .

SOMEONE’S REALLY EDGIN’ OUT HER USUAL ‘ PUNCTUAL ’ SHOWIN’ UP UNINVITED. SOMEONE’S REALLY TAKIN’ HER SWEET ASS TIME FOR ONCE, HUH ?

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ when the hell was she. . .--

MOBIUS !!

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ NOW THAT’S THE CATHARTICALLY EXHILARATING ENTRANCE HE’D BEEN CAMPING OUT FOR LIKE A MIDNIGHT RELEASE. . . the stage lights almost sentiently illuminated the moebian savior; the liberator, the deus ex machina, the interdimensional defender. . .

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ JOT THIS DOWN IN YOUR COUNTERFACTUAL HISTORY BOOKS, MOBIUS. moebius isn’t  irreparably far gone, because WE HAVE HER. get schooled.

´ ･ . ✶ ━━ ⧼ ♛ ⧽ a single gloved fist is pumped up into the air, thumb & pinky fingers sticking out to resemble devil horns as scourge’s gaze locks with rascal’s.

HE WANTED HER TO SEE THAT HE DID SHOW UP

HE WANTED HER TO SEE THAT HE WAS LOCKED & LOADED TO FEEL ALIVE

TO REALLY FEEL ALIVE. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[blackwaxidol]

It's a weird and purely vibes-based assessment to make but I almost feel like I'm progressing two different things in The Watcher, which is why I'm having so much trouble gauging my own progress or deciding on where to go.

We have the thing with the laughing Echo and then we have the thing with the Rot Iterator. I don't know their actual names, so don't tell me. They feel completely unrelated to one another beyond the insight I gain from encountering the Echo, of which I seem to have maxed out on.

Opening new pathways in The Throne and eventually summoning forth whatever that Iterator is feels unrelated to my silly ass chasing down the laughing Echo with varying degrees of success...

Similarly, I cannot tell what actually causes a unique region to start Rotting. I thought it was maybe the Echo, but I'm certain I've met it in places that didn't Rot afterwards. It is a player-driven action of some kind but I can't place what that might be. It's the inconsistency that confuses me. If it is unrelated story progression then I'll go fuck myself but really it's just so... like what am I up to.

I think I am going to try and keep track of how many portals I have found and gone through in a region, this feels as related as it gets as far as "spreading a disease by my actions".

For example, Torrid Desert is still intact for me despite going all over it because there is exactly one area I physically cannot reach that I think could have one more portal in it, so my current hypothesis entirely hinges on whether or not Torrid Desert will start to rot if I find and go through there. I suppose I could try to scale it.

Regardless, it seems undeniable to me that any region I have fully mapped out and used all portals in is one that is Rotting. Badlands, Coral Caves, Sunlit Port, Outer Rim, and a good few others that I don't remember.

Alternatively, it might depend on whether I enter from a Rotting region. This doesn't make the most sense in the world because again, Torrid Desert seems fine. I can try entering Torrential Railways from Coral Caves, to see if Torrential Railways begins rotting... I don't know. Both hypotheses seem decent.

If nothing else, retracing my steps should be easier now; I've made up my mind that the spreading rot has to be from my actions in travelling. The exact conditions are still unclear. I also don't know if a unique Rotting region being involved is what changes it, because again I do feel like I've traveled between two without causing an infection. Does the rotting region involved have to be a familiar region? Like Corrupted Factories, Infested Wastes, et cetera... I do remember when Coral Caves began rotting, it was after I went to Corrupted Factories... though I'm not sure about the circumstances in which I returned. When I think about it, every familiar Rotting region takes me to Outer Rim when I escape, so... it would have to be unique Rotting regions, no?

Alternatively alternatively, does the rot happen in stages? Torrid Desert feels quieter than the first time I entered it, but I can't find any Rot Lizards in any stage of infection. There's no environmental change either. I've entered this region from Outer Rim (Rotting) and Badlands (Rotting) plenty of times—it's my personally preferred "connecting region"—but I've not done so via a familiar Rotting region. I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on Torrid Desert but it's entirely possible I am inattentive. One of my experiments will be to deliberately enter clean regions from Rotting regions, I suppose.

Edit: Rotted Torrid Desert by entering from Outer Rim... I think. Long vertical room led to nothing but Box Worms. Bueno.

I know most likely that the progression of the regional rot is what wakes up the Rot Iterator, what lets it bloom from that awful cyst like a disgusting sort of flower. I really like whatever it is. I imagine I'd get more out of it if I really locked in to spread the rot.

[benefits1986]

Peace Tea

Is peace the absence of chaos or is it choosing to be still amidst the seemingly unending mess?

The past weeks of another new year has been really curious. First stop, my the closest brother of my dad is now undergoing radiation as his cancer reached his brain. He's currently practicing how to move around with his wheelchair and will be back soon from Singapore. My tita who we grew up with in one house is seeing progress in her battle with liver cancer but even when they can be considered affluent, expenses just keep piling up. A few days ago, my brother updated me that he now has two cysts in his kidney. Dad is not coping well since nerbiyoso talaga siya. I can feel his center of gravity is being tested. Nabasag pa niya kanina 'yung prized Beatles glass ko na pang-taho ko or pang-iced matcha. He messaged me and told me: Nabasag, natural sad. I've been egging him to go out of the house more kasi staying in might just make him "spiral" more. He's been asking me why things are happening that way.

With less sarcasm and an ounce or two of lambing, I tell him that good things and bad things happen to good and bad people. Ganun talaga. While being on the preventive side, if cancer is in your family tree, 'wag ka ng kabahan. Even when you try to have a healthy lifestyle, it can only take you so far. It may well just be part of the whole circle of life. You get things you deserve, in the same manner that you gets things you do not deserve. I told dad: 'Di tayo puwedeng magkasakit or mag-buckle because our family needs us at our best, whatever that means. LOL. I also aligned my doggo babes na bawal munang magkasakit kasi magja-Japan pa ako. Kaya bahala sila diyan. Choz. Buti na lang talaga may Japan trip akong parating kasi 'yun na lang talaga ang glimmer ko for now. ;) Baliw na kung baliw, but that's how I egg roll.

I've been getting lines like, you seem to look blooming. UHM. Now, I try my best to say thank you na lang kahit parang baliw lang 'yung mga ganitong comment. Speaking of which, tawang-tawa ako kasi may isang curious question na binato sa akin. You seem like you're doing thirst traps because you have this Jap OOTD vibe. Syempre, I breathed muna before my pakawalang sagot: I don't do thirst traps. They do not apply to me. I dress depending on my depression, my mood and my laundry. I don't really give a shit about what people say so as long as they don't fuck my core. I also had a comeback, a curious one: So, na-thirst trap ka ba since ikaw naman nag-bring up niyan? Sinagot naman na: I appreciate your look. Hindi siya cringe. Me: So, it's safe to say, it's a yes, then? Tumawa then tumahimik na.

Muntik ko na actually sabihin na practice Jap OOTD kasi 'yun pero sinabi ko na lang which is true naman din talaga na ultra femme era ko ngayon. Kaya case closed.

Side Note: May mala-tito akong taga-OOTD check kasi trip niya ring mag-comment as a tito vibe 1000000. Kaya, mas lalo akong unbothered since medyo maarte 'tong mala-tito na 'to na akala mo walang pake, pero, meron, meron, meron. Side Note 2: Daming time ng mga taong mag-comment noh? Hahahaha. 'Yung dating favorite line ko, balik ko lang: Wala akong pake kung naabala ka kasi ikaw 'yan. More importantly, 'di kita inaabala. Ikaw nangaabala sa sarili mo. Basta, don't get in my way lang. Thank u, next.

LOL. Peace tea. Peace, teh.

Peace is choosing to breath better and deeper even when things are firing up and are over ice na mala-North Pole galing. Peace is finding a sanctuary that comes from within. Peace is not the absence of chaos; it's about making sense of the mess, the fuck ups, the shitballs, the mental and figurative blue balls, too. Peace is when you laugh at ugh and icky circumstances from poor choices and poorest choices, too. Peace is forgiving yourself and the universe, too. Peace is your surrender after the end of your fight or flight chapter. Peace is enjoying small talks and believing that things will come around, eventually. Kung baga: Relak lang, as V says. Relak. Peace is also the aura glow in spite getting really bad news that spell life and death. Peace is smiling at life and death, too.

Since we're on that topic na... let me share... If noon, I prayed na 'wag muna akong mamatay kasi sobrang lungkot ko, ngayon andun na ako sa point na, I may not achieved a lot, but, I have made decent strides sa chapter ng life ko na 'di na ako super duper sad. I guess this is really my overdue moving forward sa mom issues ko. 'Di naman ako super happy, pero if I die today or tomorrow, I think I'd be able to say that I fought a good fight even when getting a one-way flight is better. This is not a suicide note ha. It's actually a milestone.

Life is indeed super short and usually, it's not well lived. So, while we have time, let's make things happen, unti-unti. Let's also let things go and flow, because, whatever's meant for you will find its way to you and be with you through it all. Tiwala lungs.

Nagababalik po. It's really Ariana > Taylor.

[jenniefromdblock]

Drained

[Originally posted on JULY 21, 2021 ]

I rushed my mom twice to the ER the other day (7/16/2021) due to her complaining about an excruciating pain on her left side.

I woke up with her moaning in pain around 7am, so I immediately got up and packed a lot of disinfectants and my laptop (I had to work) and drove to 2 goverment hospitals’ ER. The 1st one just referred us to the 2nd, the 2nd just prescribed meds. They were prioritizing COVID patients, even though their ERs are empty (shoutout to the 2nd which is QCGH). I’m not going to comment on how they handled our situation because I know they have their “reasons”. Since Mom was still in so much pain, we went ahead to Capitol Med. Yes, I know it is private and expensive but fuck it. It’s Mom.

We arrived at around 11am (I had no concept of time, I just wanted the day to be over) and we were immediately attended to. Mom was hooked up to an IV (omeprazole at first, then liquid paracetamol), blood works, urinalysis, and xray were done. When I asked her, she says the pain was level 8 and went to intermittent. There were also times that it goes away. According to her urinalysis, they found specks of blood, so they Rx’d Mom to be CT scanned for suspected kidney stones. During that time I kept on asking her if she can manage the pain, etc. She was like meh, and we were already given prescriptions so we decided that we will sign the waiver to not perform the CT Scan at that moment (the reason and backstory later). We were discharged around 4pm.

I was able to settle a bit when we got home and go back to working. Not even two hours later, Mom was again writhing in pain and she was crying “Lord, please make it stop.” Her pain tolerance is so high that seeing her in that situation was very alarming, so thats when I decided to ask my sister to call an ambulance (I was no longer in the right mental and emotional state to drive at that moment) while I prepare the stuff we need in case she gets confined.

We were brought again to Capitol Med because at least they already know us, the guard was literally like “Uy, parang kanina lang…”. We agreed to do the CT Scan and results says the pain is caused by kidney stones.

Also, even though my Mom doesn’t feel anything, they saw an 8x12x12 benign cyst on her right ovaries. While the doctor assured us its nothing and can be treated easily, they referred us to an OB GYN, who explained the next steps for treatment to us.

Honestly at that point, I hear garbled messages. I can no longer process anything because all I worry about was how the fuck am I going to pay for the hospital bills because I am super bankrupt.

The Backstory: I was retrenched in December 2020 and we were trying to survive off my separation pay (which isn’t that big amount so if you ask me, no I didn’t even have the chance to enjoy it). In April 2021, I got a freelancing job and I am in contract until December, which I am very thankful for. But what I earn is just enough for the utility bills and monthly groceries for 3 people. Yes, I also have been the provider in this house.

I only have Php 1,000 ($20) in my bank account. I have 2 credit cards that I have not been using and been paying off so I can cut it.

But I had to. I maxed out the limit of my first credit card to settle the hospital bills during our ER Visit #1. I had no choice but to do the same for my second to pay off ER Visit #2, not to mention the prescribed medicines worth 2 weeks. Oh btw, the OB GYN consultation fee needed to be paid in cash, so yeah goodbye 1k. Before, I psych myself bankrupt but I still have like 10k+ in the bank. But now, I am literally, really, very, zero balance.

At this point I am not sure how will I be able to bring her to a urologist, another OB GYN session and possible operation.

Well, going back to the main story… we got home around 12am. Mom was still in pain but at least we know the cause. Also, the pain reliever works so Mom was able to sleep enough.

I am still mentally and emotionally drained. Most of all, financially.

So that’s how the day went.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

[aquilamage]

fell asleep. multiple times.

first is another from sky islands that's a secret anonymous groupchat. Interesting word choice for the "sliverist" group to be called Sliver of Ocean. idk.

Really the main thing to be getting out of this one is more Five Pebbles's Whole thing Going To Shit (technically speaking we don't know it's five pebbles talking here but come on. it would be wild if it wasn't). Basically him going like 'ok what if sliver of straw was right. we gotta at least consider the fucked-up science solution.' I don't know what "crossing oneself out" is specifically meant to be except that it's implied death is a simpler version of it.

Also the "what if there is no universal solution." Well he was right on that part at least we know that now.

I don't think you could make any real declarations on the identities of anyone else listed there, although I will put in that I'm thinking UU might be Seven Red Suns, based on literally nothing but a random vibe.

second one was from subterranean. A conversation between Seven Red Suns and a new iterator: Chasing Wind. About Five Pebbles. First, Seven Red Suns's "Unless worrying about him counts." like oh they are friends at least that way around.

Then before we get to the meat of the thing of what's been seen of Five Pebbles's state: I can't believe the other iterators are bullying him in the groupchat. very rude

But he's got "the rot," which is a fun new unnerving concept. Based on my initial/ongoing sense of Wrongness on seeing the stuff in Five Pebbles's area and the bit about "big cysts have become mobile" specifically in the "legs," I'm assuming it's the blue tendril beasts and the stuff that looks like them that was growing in Five Pebbles. I also gotta assume there's some greater significance to the fact that there's already a name for this stuff aka it's not just something affecting him.

What's then interesting is that going from that Chasing Wind wants Seven Red Suns to talk to him because they're one of the few he still listens to, apparently. The implication that the rot and whatever's going along with it is something he can be talked out of.

Then of course the last two sentences coming in with a steel chair: "Does Moon know?" "Moon has been unavailable for some time."

First time we hear about Looks to the Moon from a source outside of herself (world's saddest yay)! So whatever happened to Looks to the Moon to cut them off from everything has likely already happened by this point :/. And then of course the question to me becomes: did Moon know (before right now)? I'm gonna guess they had at least an inkling because of the lines about him being sick, corrupted by his own experiments etc (although they also say he's severely deteriorated between present and the last time they'd heard of him)

Also the fact that Looks to the Moon was brought up in the first place. A little bit probably because of physical proximity but I also gotta wonder if they're also part of the "someone needs to talk to him" train of thought. Like, Looks to the Moon clearly knows Five Pebbles decently well and such for how much and what she's said about him but we don't actually know right now how much they agreed or talked or got along or whatever. hm.

(sidenote I gotta actually start keeping track of 1)all these iterators now and 2) the numbers I'm guessing are dates)

so I have gotten two colored pearls between yesterday and today and I will yell about those later but rn I am soso close to the end of the game so I'm gonna see how many times I get eaten by lizards navigating filtration system first

[spine-buster]

I thought you said you were catholic? How can you be for abortion and claim to be catholic? Abortion rights are not human right, the sanctity of life supersedes this. As a catholic you should know and do better. Also you shouldn’t be posting this on your blog, we don’t come here to see that messaging.

Oh my darling, you are so very lucky that you sent this to me at a time when I've finished teaching for the summer, but you're still going to get educated today.

Don't you dare come on my blog and tell me what I can and can't post. For the record, if you're here for my fics, I want you to know that every single one of my OFCs is extremely pro-choice and have zero issue with abortion. If that's ruined my stories for you, oh fucking well.

I was born and raised Catholic, work in a Catholic environment, and I still practice the faith. However, there are portions of my faith that I staunchly don't agree with. That's healthy. You're going to sit there on your little keyboard and send me this message seriously? How many lives have been saved from stem-cell research, which the Catholic Church is against? What about birth control and how it tackles not just fertility, but a range of women's health issues like cysts and hormone imbalance that women used to literally die from? How can you argue that it's okay that women still can't become priests? Moreover, how can you justify the Church's covering up of systemic sexual abuse of young children and nuns? The hoarding of their wealth? The colonization they participated in and continue to participate in?

I wrote that abortion rights are human rights and I fucking meant it. You want to come on to my blog and talk to me about the sanctity of life? What about the sanctity of life of the person carrying the child? The sanctity of life of a clump of cells does not supersede anything. What if a person is not religious and doesn't believe in sanctity? Why should they abide by a Christian set of principles (but more on that later)? What about the life of the 11-year-old who was raped by her uncle and now has to carry his baby? What about the sanctity of her life? Or is she just some jezebel harlot who was asking for it, hmm? What do you have to say about that? Why is it that a group of cells has more rights than an 11-year-old child in Texas, in Georgia, in South Dakota, in Idaho? If a living, breathing, human being has been stripped of their right to bodily autonomy, privacy, and health, what is left? What goes next? They have already lost their ability to choose what is the best course of action for them in their life -- so who is to choose for them? Their father? Brother? Uncle? Their priest/deacon/pastor/religious leader? What right do they have to make a decision for another person?

"As a Catholic you should know and do better" bitch shut the fuck up. I do know better and do do better. Jesus never said anything about abortion. And don't even attempt to throw Leviticus or any other Old Testament verses at me. The Last Supper brought about the New Covenant, and Jesus' death is the basis of the promise in the New Covenant. The Old Covenant between God and Moses / Yahweh and the Hebrew people, with obedience to Mosaic Law is, for lack of a better term, deemed null and void because of Jesus and the Last Supper. Luke 22:20 explicitly states "And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying 'This cup that is poured out for you is the new and everlasting covenant in my blood.'" THIS IS LITERALLY SAID DURING EVERY MASS BEFORE WE RECEIVE EUCHARIST. This is like basic Catholicism 101. If you had paid attention in religion class or Sunday school you may have remembered this. And, like, I'm not even gonna get STARTED on Catholic social teaching and the Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy.

Good fucking riddance. Get the hell of my blog and never come back.

[aforrestofstuff]

Oh fuck it’s been two weeks already uuuhh Chapter 148 expert review time!!

Sorry for skipping out on chapter 147. I was too busy doing nothing.

First off: oh my god it’s normal Garou my sweet boy I haven’t seen you in ages—

Also a lot of people have been pointing out the height difference in this pic, and I was gonna say that could be attributed to Bang always being hunched over but he’s definitely not hunched over here!! Fucking manlet! Little bitchboy! Googoo gaga bitch! Gonna get his ass beat by an 18 year-old prick while also being short. Pick a struggle, Bang.

Ngl I thought Garou’s irises were tears for a second and I got all up in my shit about it but turns out he’s just cooked out of his fucking mind. I mean, his brain is medium rare at this point. What the fuck is up with him. Why is he standing like that. Why are his feet so skinny??? He’s standing on pogo sticks??

I thought Garou and Bang’s little dumpster scuffle was pretty cool. Murata’s fights are always really well choreographed and his posing is amazing. Only issue is I kinda thought their inevitable beat-down would be a little more climactic? The story thus far has been pretty plateaued and we haven’t really had a proper buildup towards this moment, I think. It’s just been one fight after another, and so far this feels no different. But, I could be getting too far ahead here. The fight’s just begun, maybe something will happen that’ll shift my opinion. But so far… yeah this seems like just another segment of punches being thrown.

I will say though, I do like Garou’s obvious improvement in this rematch with Bang. It was kind of expected since he’s gone through a lot since the Hero Hunter arc, but seeing him actually land a solid hit on the old fuck was really satisfying. He’s grown! He’s gotten stronger! Good for him! He’s still going to hell for nearly killing Mumen, though. But good for him!

Garou’s nonverbal-ness throughout this fight does bring mixed feelings in me, though. I was kinda looking forward to he and Bang’s banter; like maybe they’ll reveal things about Garou’s past that we didn’t know about or something. A few people have brought up that it could be because Garou’s asleep in this fight like he was with PPP and Darkshine, and if that’s the case then I’m a little disappointed. This confrontation was long overdue, and if Garou’s not even lucid throughout it then that could be a lot of character growth being missed out on. But like I said, it’s still early on. Maybe things will change.

I’m thinking impure thoughts.

Man what the FUCK is this.

Also, what he says here kinda stung at first. Like, wow, Garou is more teachable when he’s literally a monster that just makes animal noises and doesn’t have any signs of even being lucid?? Made me a little nervous about how Silverfang treated Garou in the past, since he’s kind of treating him as just a vessel of strength right now, not as something that was once human, much less his beloved disciple. I know Silverfang is objectively Not a good teacher or caregiver but I wasn’t expecting him to just disregard Garou like that.

I talked with Kiyoko about it and turns out it’s a bit of a translation error. Silverfang does say that, but it’s with no regards towards younger Garou and more towards how present Garou is a lot more receptive to picking up techniques. So, it’s more just banter and not a “I’m disgracing all the years I’ve taken you under my wing” sorta thing. I’m happy about that. One of the more compelling things about their relationship is the lingering guilt and love Bang still holds for Garou.

EDIT:

Also I just love the “you twisted punk” line. A lot of the dialogue in the manga is a little eeeehhh sometimes (not at the fault of anybody, by the way. Translations just be like that) but that line just feels so human. Very boomer, very witty, very funny.

So, Amahare and Nichirin are both dead but hey we got a funky lil’ sword and side quest out of it.

Portal magic, motherfuckers. I thought the use of his necklace for this was really clever.

I’ve said before how I thought the manga was overloaded with deadly situations and yet lacking death, but boy has Murata turned all that shit around. Granted, I still think the heroes have too much plot armor but this is a nice change of pace. Now we got actual blood being shed. Yay.

We had some reveals here, which I thought were cool. Apparently Nichirin was Kamikaze’s teacher, which gives me some feelings. Nichirin was also Spring Mustachio’s teacher, but Spring Mustachio is nowhere near Kamikaze’s level yet. So, Nichirin died before he could see Spring Mustachio become a master, and Spring Mustachio watched his master die without having completed his training. That shit’s fucked! The council of swordsmasters is disbanded, so who the fuck is he gonna have as a teacher now? Is he gonna go under Kamikaze’s wing? Because clearly, we haven’t seen all of that fucker (and his disciples) yet. Now we got a fucking side quest for some gay little sword or something.

This makes me… kinda excited for Kamikaze’s arc? Like, holy shit we might actually get a decent chunk of the story told around him (and maybe Spring Mustachio if Murata doesn’t forget about him because I certainly did). Idk if this is the best place for this massive lore drop but yay now Kamikaze has a working sword and a life mission to go on once we get up to speed with the webcomic. Also RIP Nichirin, your character was just used for plot progression lmao sucks to suck.

Golden Sperm looks like the shit I took today. I knew this was coming from the webcomic but nothing could’ve prepared me for the actual cyst this dude is.

Also, his gay little mask or whatever is literally just a face copy of serious Saitama lol. I fucking hate this bitch I want to stick him in some soup broth and whack him against a brick wall until he no longer making a schlorping noise. Anyways.

In conclusion, still stan Bomb because he’s trying his fucking best, even after getting his shit rocked by an 18 year-old edgelord lmao. Also, he didn’t rip his shirt off pre-fight like a fuckboy.

[audacityofhugefics]

Hysto journal #2

Long overdue for this, but as I’m sitting here watching this egregious, horrific stuff going down in Kyiv I thought, “Why not pull my mental real estate away from this and focus on something a little less rage-inducing.” And I do mean A LITTLE. The hysto is indeed ALSO causing me rage. But we’ll get to that.

First I guess I should talk a little bit about what all went down with the surgery. My dad went with me to the hospital. I love my dad more than I can ever really adequately express. I mentioned in my last post that I found my old journal and that I could see how my grief colored a lot of my personality, and my relationship with my dad is a really good reflection of that. I was an absolute monster to my dad after my mom died. He could never do anything right, as far as I was concerned. I thought of him as this old, bumbling idiot. With the wisdom of hindsight I can see that this was related to grief. I missed my mother. I wanted my mother, and he was not my mother. And that was a PROBLEM. So I lashed out. Irrationally, emotionally, and illogically. 

This was on my mind when we went to the hospital on the morning of my hysto, because he was taking a day off work to support me in my voluntary sterilization (even though I know he would LOVE biological grandkids), and is willing to help me with this whole phallo thing later in the year. So I apologized to him about how mean I was as a teenager, just in case I died on the operating table. He said that all his kids have been mean to him over the years, and he’s used to it, and he doesn’t hold it against us. But still, I’m real fuckin’ sorry about it. The dude is my fucking hero. I would never be so mean to him now.

But I digress. We arrived at the hospital and were very quickly separated so I could prep for surgery. They made me take a damn pregnancy test. LOL. As an ace forever alone asshole, that amused me. I’m not exactly sure how long it’s been since I’ve had sex with a biological male, but it’s definitely double digits. But protocol is protocol. I told the nurse, “Even if I am pregnant somehow, go ahead and take the uterus anyway.”

Next I had to get naked and cozied up on the stretcher after wiping off with some pre-surgical wipes. They put in my IV and, weirdly, gave me a whole bunch of drugs to swallow orally, including some narcotics. They said it was to help the pain when I woke up, which, like.... Sure. But the other effect was that I was completely blissed out by the time all these people involved with the surgery came by to meet the person they were cutting open. I was cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. They put that shower cap on me and I was like “Oh I think I saw this on Project Runway.”

I had been waffling back and forth on whether or not to keep one my ovaries. Taking both out essentially means that I have no risk for cancer or cysts down there, but I am committing to taking hormones for the rest of my life, because bad things happen when there are no hormones in the human body. I told the doc I wanted both out just so I’d never have to think about it again, and I do intend to continue with testosterone until I eventually die in a motorcycle crash. So who cares. But a part of me was like, “What if you get old?” But you know what? Fuck it. Taking them out will keep me accountable. And they have those nifty T pellets now, maybe in another five years those will be more readily available and I can get those put in for E-Z hormones. So when the doc came by before the surgery I said, “OK we’re good, get these things out of me.”

Anyway. I went under, they did the thing, and I woke up. I had a lot of nausea after I woke up, way more than I remember having after my top surgery in 2007, or when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, which are the only other times I’ve ever gone under general anesthesia. I didn’t have a lot of pain, I just felt nauseous and tired and bloated from the gas they inject so they can maneuver in your abdomen. But pretty much as soon as I woke up I was slurring jokes to the nurses, although sadly I cannot remember what I said. They had one nurse who watched you while you were still in that phase where you can’t quite stay awake, and then another who takes over when you can sit upright in a recliner. The sleepy-time nurse was sad to see me go, I could tell. I can’t even remember her damn name, but she was very kind and always seemed to be around whenever I needed something. 

The next nurse also loved me, although I think she was annoyed when I banished her from the bathroom when I tried to pee. I was like “I have trouble peeing under the best of circumstances.” Which is true. I’m not a good pee-er. Peeing is actually one of my main and only sources of gender dysphoria. I don’t like having to sit to pee. Unfortunately, peeing is like the entire focus of the recovery room after anesthesia, because they need to make sure you can do it before you can leave. I was able to get a few drops out, but then I started to REALLY feel like I needed to barf so I pulled the cord and they brought me back to the recliner. I had the barf tray in front of my mouth, that’s how close I was to barfing, but then the nurse waved this PEPPERMINT STICK thing in front of my NOSE and I NO LONGER HAD TO BARF. Has anyone else ever heard of this before??? It was a fucking miracle!! All urge to barf, gone immediately. I’m keeping some of those peppermint things in my bathroom from now on.

I should mention that by this point my dad had been sitting out in the waiting room for about 8 hours. Which is WAY longer than I thought we’d be there. It was all my fault, the nurses thought I was ready to go but I was so worried about not being able to pee. I was apologizing to my dad over text and to the nurses constantly, and they were all like “Dude literally shut up.” In a nice way of course, but still. Heartwarming.

This hospital where I had the hysto is working on getting a whole trans health program up and running, and I believe I was possibly the very first trans patient this OBGYN (who will be associated with the program) had done a hysto for. Eventually this facility will be doing other surgeries for trans patients too, like phalloplasty and vaginoplasty, which is rad. Unfortunately they won’t be offering the type of phallo I’m looking for (which is abdominal), but it’s nice to know there are doctors literally right down the road from me that are offering the other kinds (RFF and ALT) if I change my mind. All the nurses know that this is something that’s being set up for their hospital and they were very curious to hear about phallo in general. I ended up being the last patient in the unit for the night, so the nurse spent a long time chatting with me about it until I felt ready to go. She wheeled me downstairs, asked if she could give me a hug, and then my dad took me to his house.

I don’t live with my parents anymore but I stayed with them for the first few days. I was up and walking pretty much immediately. Really, I felt fine. The worst part was the gas, just like everyone says. It basically felt like I always needed to fart, but I could never, EVER fart. Farting would have involved strain, and strain hurt. Luckily that phase passed after a few days and basically as soon as I was pooping again, I was ready to go home. So my dad took me back to my apartment and I’ve been here ever since.

On the Friday after the surgery “Horizon: Forbidden West” came out, so I basically played that every waking moment. In case you’re curious, I liked it but I had some big issues with it. Where are the cubes on the minimap that point you to datapoints??? Why do I have to scroll through so many damn things to find my potions??? Where’s the whistle command??? But I loved the story a LOT. Overall, 7/10.

Now let’s talk about the infuriating part: The insurance is denying all my claims!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to understand, I work in medical insurance. I know how this works. I know how the game is played. I KNOW these services are covered. I KNOW the insurance company is making a mistake in my benefits administration. But it doesn’t make it any less stressful. I called them a few times trying to get a straight answer about why these things were being denied, finally I talked to a supervisor (who was also trans!) who confirmed that they are being denied because the diagnosis (F64.9 if you’re curious) is excluded. So this is not something I can fix by calling the insurance anymore. I went right to HR. So the benefits team at my HR department is looking in to it as an urgent matter, considering they’re going to end up denying about $40,000 worth of eligible expenses for me.

I’m trying not to be worried about it. If anyone is equipped with the tools to fix this, it’s me. But if HR comes back and says the claims are denied correctly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wouldn’t trust them with my phallo, that’s for sure. Most likely I’d go looking for another job. Shit, maybe I’ll go back to Starbucks. They definitely cover phallo.

The thing is, “Transgender surgery” is SPECIFICALLY listed as a covered benefit. I think what the insurance company wants is for the providers to bill with the diagnosis F64.0 instead of F64.9, and if that’s the problem then that means I have to wait to be billed by ALL these providers so I can call their billing department and ask for supervisors until I can find someone who understand that they need to change the diagnosis codes on their claims. It would be ridiculously time consuming and difficult, for essentially no reason. Here’s what these codes stand for:

F64.0: Transsexualism F64.9: Gender identity disorder, unspecified

Excuse me, WHAT? Are you trying to say that gender identity disorder is not a valid reason to have transgender surgery? Do I need to call the insurance company and explain that the nomenclature of the word “transsexual” is steeped in history and debate among the trans community and there’s nothing that makes it more valid or medically legitimate than “gender identity disorder,” and that to claim otherwise is disingenuous? Am I supposed to call up an outsourced customer service department in India and say “Your insurance company is truscum?”

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough. 

TL;DR: The hysto was very easy, but now my insurance company is being a butthead.

[jedimasterkelly]

Shit happens when you're a woman. A lot of shit. Bad shit. And a lot of the time, you will run into doctors who do not listen to you. Will not care about you, and will not take you seriously.

This story is about the Great Cancer Scare of 2020.

I was 49, and 3 yrs post menopause. I was pleased about that, as it means no more period ever. I could deal with the occasional hot flashes, and the snapping of necks of anyone who dared bother me. Then in May of 2020, after the pandemic fully hit and the University I work at closed and sent all of us to work from home, I got very sick. Not from Covid, thankfully, but something else. I had started bleeding, and it wasn't menstrual blood. It was bright red and HEAVY. I was filling post-natal pads within 2 hours. I called the Women's Clinic where my OB-GYN lived. They couldn't see me until July. WTF! I called my GP, who got me in on an emergency basis, I mean, 3 yrs post-menopausal women don't just spring a leak, you know? My ovarian function had been almost nil for 3 years. He called my OB-GYN and demanded I get seen right away. They made an appointment for 2 weeks later. Keep reading, because it's quite a ride!

Seriously! 2 weeks later!

In the meantime, my GP discovered my thyroid was tanked out, so I was put on Levothyroxine 25mcg. It helped a lot. I started to feel a little bit more human, at least in the brain area. I finally got in to the OB-GYN, and he did a biopsy and trans-vaginal ultrasound. We got the results 2 weeks later and he called me in to go over them. He said I had hyperplasia with atypia. Cells were dividing rapidly, and he was very concerned. He recommended an endometrial ablation, or a full hysterectomy. At 49 he wasn't concerned with me having a sudden maternal urge (I have no kids), so he was fine with either choice. I decided on the hysterectomy, because why not? Endometrium grows back after an ablation, and why bother at my age? Just yank it all and let me get back to my life.

He said he didn't feel safe doing the procedure, since the cells were most likely cancerous and rapidly dividing, so he sent a referral to one of the cancer centers in OKC. I expected a call within a couple of weeks. I mean, really, if I have the early stages of endometrial cancer, they'd call me in immediately, right? Right?

Crickets. Literal crickets for 4 months! I was very concerned, hell, worried I was going to get full blown cancer and these jackasses weren't going to try and help me at all. I called OB-GYN several times during that 4 month period, and was told the cancer center in OKC wasn't returning their calls. I called them numerous times, and could never get a person on the phone.

I was told it was the pandemic. The pandemic was shutting everything down and causing huge backlogs for non-Covid issues to be seen. I told OB-GYN to refer me to the oncologist from Tulsa, who also worked once a month in Stillwater at the SMC Cancer Center. He didn't want to, he wanted me to see the doctor in OKC (who wasn't returning anyone's calls!) I called SMC Cancer Center and asked how soon I could get in with Dr. Thomas. His office called back within 2 hours asking for my chart and biopsy results. I had the Womens Clinic send my information to Dr. Thomas in Tulsa. Within a week, they called and had me on the schedule to see him in Stillwater on his next visit.

This is where the story gets good. And by good, I mean, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Got in to see Dr. Thomas. I researched him and learned we have the same Alma Mater. That day, we were both wearing t-shirts from said same Alma Mater. Instant bonding! I also work in Administration at said same Alma Mater, so we spent some time discussing (gossiping) about my department since he had taken classes with a lot of my faculty during his undergrad. Then he got serious and handed me my biopsy report. He told me he was going to assume I wasn't shown this, since I am:

1. A Master's of Science graduate student in Education Leadership - this making me a researcher who knows how to do research, do research, and understand research.

2. Work full time in a Physical Sciences department at a Big 12 University.

3. Edit manuscripts for my Dept. Chair, thus proving I am scientifically literate. You can't edit scientific manuscripts without having a good, solid knowledge of said science. If he's alternating between "adsorb" and "absorb", I have to understand his research in order to correct his manuscript. This is important because his manuscripts have to be peer reviewed before they can be published in a reputable journal.

"Read it to me, out loud," he said.

I started reading from the paper in my professional scientist voice. It didn't take long before I began to falter as I came to the realization I had been lied to.

"Read it again," he said.

This time, I read it with a lot more heat in my voice.

Diagnosis: no hyperplasia with atypia, no abnormal cells detected

Dr. Thomas waited for me to explode. I didn't. I just stared at him in anger and horror. He offered to do another biopsy to make sure, but he suggested I fire my OB-GYN immediately and find someone who actually gives a shit about me.

I was still randomly bleeding, 6-9 weeks at a time, so we agreed on another trans-vaginal ultrasound and biopsy. The attached photo shows he took 3 samples from my uterus. He wanted to be sure.

A little ditty about endometrial biopsies:

They hurt like a motherfucker.

Take 2-3 ibuprofen before you leave the house to go to your procedure.

Relax. It usually only lasts a couple of minutes. The doctor normally takes 1 or 2 samples. Pinch, snip, clip, done.

Not this guy. He wanted to be surely sure.

He went for a 3rd pinch snip clip. My uterus seized up in the most painful spasm I ever had in my life. I almost came off the table. He was seated on a little rolly stool so he shot back away from me before I could connect his head to my foot. He triumphantly held up his little weapon of Uterine Destruction and declared, "Got it!"

"Yeah, you almost got your ass kicked mister," I growled at him.

"It was worth it to get this beauty of a sample."

So, after a biopsy of your uterus, expect some bleeding and cramping. I had severe cramps for 2 days. I was not amused. We're talking laying in bed with a heating pad and ibuprofen every 4 hours kind of cramping.

Got the results back in a couple of weeks. No cancer. No hyperplasia. No abnormal cell growth. He recommended I find a new OB-GYN fast. I decided fuck it, I'm done. I'm never seeing another OB-GYN ever again.

Dr. Thomas said several times he's convinced my issues are endocrinal. I filed that away in the back of my mind.

(if you ever do test positive for cancer and you are in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend Dr. Eric Thomas! Make sure you have a sense of humor with him.)

My GP started pressuring me back in March of 2021 to find a new OB-GYN. The Women's Clinic has several, but they have a fucked up rule you can't switch doctors there. So if you go there, you are stuck with the same doctor and can't move over to his colleague on another floor. I saw my GP again, and asked if he was still best buds with a gynecologist who had his own clinic. He was always full, and not taking new patients, so GP would have to call his buddy to get me in.

Which he did. Buddy-GYN's office called the very next day to schedule me in. He had been sent my chart and was concerned about the long bleeds (6-9 weeks in duration) and why the fuck were they happening after being 3 yrs post-menopause.

I went in for a consult in April of 2021. First thing out of his mouth, "Has anyone ever talked to you before about PCOS?"

I laughed.

I laughed because every GYN I saw over the last 20 years told me I didn't have PCOS, endometriosis, or any sort of hormonal issues. I was just fat, lazy, and a piggy pig pig. I actually had one OB-GYN tell me to go on The Biggest Loser. Fat shamed while sitting there naked on his table after an invasive exam of my female bits. Thanks a lot, asshole.

I told him about that. He informed me he could tell by LOOKING at me I have the classics signs of PCOS. I use an epilator on my crazy man-hairs, so he asked if I was tweezing or waxing. I about fell out of my chair. Nobody ever believed me that I was having to remove crazy thick hairs off my chin and neck all the time. He asked if I ever had ovarian cysts. Affirmative, I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts the first time one exploded back in 1994. He stood there, holding the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Well, going by your chief complaints, your abdominal circumference, history of bursting cysts, and no period for 3 years, I am saying you have PCOS."

He went on to discuss my need for an appointment with an endocrine specialist, he was convinced my thyroid tanking out sent my ovaries back into production, and now my hormones are all over the place, most likely, and I needed specialized care.

He must have talked to GP, because I soon got a call from the endo clinic to come in.

This post is already long and tedious, but I am happy to say I finally have 3 doctors who listen to me. My new Endo doc tripled my levothyroxine and scheduled a follow up blood test for next month. Buddy-GYN talked me into a pap smear and cervical exam in July as well. He also wants a mammogram, which I begrudgingly need to schedule so he doesn't chew my ass in July when I walk in with no results. GP is working on my other issues (weight, bad fluid retention, etc...). We discovered from a blood test last Friday my iron levels are dangerously low. I am now on a Rx iron supplement. I've always struggled with anemia, but it never occurred to me or GP to check my iron levels. If you're a woman, and you feel like absolute dog shit and your doctor can't figure out why, have your iron and electrolytes tested. It'll probably take about 3-4 weeks for me to see any results from the iron supplement, but I can already see a reduction in fluid retention.

In September, I have an appointment with Dr. Le at Integris in OKC. He's a bariatric surgeon. I have gained so much weight from having PCOS and Hypothyroidism that I need to drop a lot of fat fast. I'm pretty healthy - I don't have the normal problems obese people tend to have. I'm not diabetic, don't have sleep apnea, my cholesterol levels are good. I am what they call "healthy fat" which seems like an oxymoron. However, it will improve my chances of getting approved for a sleeve gastrectomy.

I turned 50 last week, and had to endure 3 decades of no one listening to me. I feel I lost so many years of my life and I can never get them back. I hope this post reaches a lot of younger women having issues. Keep looking for a doctor who will listen to you. It sucks we have to hunt for these unicorns, but they do exist. I finally have a good team who actually cares about me.

You have a right to be listened to! You have a right to be heard!

I was asked: Who are my doctors?

Dr. Daniel Brown D.O. Stillwater Physicians Clinic

Dr. Yasuto Taguchi M.D. Taguchi Women's Clinic

Dr. Wynter Kipgen M.D. Stillwater Diabetes & Endocrinology

[rudjedet]

somecunttookmyurl replied to your post

“amazing. hit the t-minus 4 weeks mark until i’d have to go back to...”

"#you can come out of IVF with PTSD and it is NOT talked about enough" this does not really surprise me it doesn't seem like a pleasant process, on the whole. but medical ptsd in general is something nobody ever talks about bc doctors don't want to admit they're causing psychological harm to their patients amirite i am i'm right

you sure ain’t fucking wrong dude.

IVF is like... it can literally go wrong at ANY step of the way. literally.

You jab yourself with needles for at least 2 weeks in hopes of ripening follicles with eggs for the retrieval. This can go wrong and nothing can ripe, or too much can ripe and you end up with ovarian overstimulation syndrome, which means you have to wait anywhere between 6 weeks to several months before you can continue. We got lucky: 10 follicles bang on time. Still stressful as fuck.

Then the eggs get retrieved. Ever had a transvaginal ultrasound? It’s that, but now the ultrasound wand has a giant fuck off needle that punches through your uterus, into the follicles, to hopefully suck any eggs out. They don’t know if there are eggs in the follicles until they check in the IVF lab. This is generally considered horrible and painful as fuck, so they drug you to hell. I got lucky: it barely hurt because I’m a freak of nature. Still stressful as fuck beforehand.

Your hubbie/partner brings the eggs to the IVF lab while you sleep off having holes punched in your uterus like it’s a time card. This can go wrong, not only because he can technically have an accident on the way there, but also because there’s a non-zero chance there were no (usable) eggs extracted from the follicles. We got extremely lucky: I had 17 good-looking eggs (from 10 follicles!) Still stressful as fuck.

Extra stress: because I had so many double yolks, I was now at risk for ovarian overstimulation syndrome, see above. I got lucky: it didn’t happen. Still stressful as fuck.

Partner, if appliccable, jacks into a cup. This can go wrong because it can turn out because of the stress that the sperm isn’t of sufficient quality. Stressful, not so much for me.

You go home while the IVF technicians attempt to fertilise the eggs with sperm. You get an appointment for the third day after the retrieval, but until the morning of the transfer you will not know if any fertilisation occurred. So this can still go wrong after all of the above stress. Stressful as fuck. We got lucky: we had at least one fertilisation (they don’t tell you how many eggs were fertilised until you get there, just that you get the go ahead).

You go to the IVF lab for the transfer. Before the first, fresh transfer, they tell you how many of the eggs were fertilised. This can go wrong because the fertilised eggs might not even be of sufficient quality. They told me to sit down first so I freaked the fuck out. We got extremely lucky: we had 14(!) fertilised eggs that looked good to excellent. Fucking stressful bullshit.

After the transfer you may get a bunch of progesterone suppositories that you have to shove up there three times a day. And then literally all you can do is wait for 11-14 days before you can test. While you know there’s a blastocyst in your endometrial lining that may or may not implant. This is where it gets even more fucking stressful. We didn’t get lucky with that first transfer. Cue renewed heartbreak when you stare at the nth negative pregnancy test.

In the meanwhile, if you had more than one succesful fertilisation, they will attempt to cryofreeze the ones that weren’t transferred that day (over here, if you’re younger than 37 they’ll only transfer one egg at a time; over 37 and they’ll transfer two). This can go wrong. The eggs may not survive this process. We got lucky: the next week we received a letter that 12 of the remaining 13 eggs were succesfully frozen. If you’re like me, you’ll feel bad about the one that was lost because you consider the fertilised eggs your babies already. Highly stressful on top of the already stressful business of waiting and hyperfocusing on ANY sign of implantation/pregnancy.

If, like us, you were unlucky in the getting-pregnant department but lucky enough to have extra eggs, you get to try again the next month or month after that. I had to be on HRT for two weeks prior because they’d previously knocked my cycle out because of the endometriosis. About 11 days into your medicated cycle they’ll check the thickness of your endometrial lining. If it’s thick enough, you get the go ahead. In case of an unmedicated cycle, you have to do ovulation tests until you get a positive, in which case you get the go ahead. You get an appointment at the lab, but now you have to wait until the morning of the day of to hear whether or not one of the eggs successfully thawed because guess what: that can still go wrong. We got lucky: all four cryo transfers thawed without issues.

Repeat steps 6-7. Get to do the stressing all over again! Eventually we got lucky: on our 3rd transfer, we had a positive pregnancy test.

You call in the result, everybody is happy and congratulates you. Then you get to wait another 4-6 weeks before the term ultrasound. The first time this happens, this is kind of exciting! But it can still go wrong, because 25% of pregnancies naturally abort before 7 weeks. Stressful, and the days seem to stretch like thick jelly. We didn’t get lucky: miscarried our first baby at 8 weeks, on the very morning of the ultrasound. The most heartbreaking thing to ever have happened. I saw our baby that day, but I didn’t want it to be on a piece of toilet paper, lifeless.

Repeat steps 6-9, or, in our case, 6-11, but this time miscarry at 6 weeks, on your first wedding anniversary just to add insult to injury.

Optional: Get your fucking endometrial cysts removed because now your gynaecologists suspects you either have some serious fucking bad luck, or the cysts are actively working against a lasting pregnancy. Stressful and painful as fuck.

Repeat steps 6-10. We got lucky: another positive test. Apparently my body figured out how to do the whole getting pregnant thing at that point, because I was pregnant three times in a row. Now the waiting begins again. You’re at this point so traumatised and so convinced your body is incapable of carrying to term, you’re having a hard time being happy and/or bonding with the little bean inside you. You go to the term ultrasound. Your heart is in your throat. But then you see baby’s heart beat on the monitor, and your amazingly awesome beautiful gynaecologist says there’s now a 97% chance you’ll carry to term. We got lucky. So lucky.

Be pregnant. Try not to freak. You’ll freak anyway. You shit bricks every time you go to the bathroom, expecting to see the blood of a beginning miscarriage any day now. You can’t enjoy the pregnancy. Pregnancy sucks anyway, fuck that shit with a rusty cactus. Every time you buy something for the baby, or tell a new person of your pregnancy, you think that’s the moment you’ll miscarry, because it was never meant to be for you. If you’re like me, you end up on sick leave from work because your first miscarriage started there and the site of your job and miscarriages are now forever linked. Every ultrasound appointment is the most stressful thing you’ve ever done, convinced as you are your baby will die before birth. You call your obstetrician every week just to get another check done because you’re so worried. We got so lucky: our baby was in perfect health every time.

Give birth. Feel like you’re the fucking luckiest people on the goddamn planet because that little bean you just pushed out of your vagina spent almost a year as an icicle and what the fuck? is that kind of miracle? Thank the Lord and all that is holy for modern medicine.

Remain traumatised and deadly afraid you’ll lose your baby to SIDS any day now, to the point you actively tried not to bond just to make the heartbreak you just know is coming less. Bond with your baby anyway because she’s adorable, amazing, so soft, and the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on. 

Realise very acutely that there are many, many people who have to go through all of the above without ever coming out of it at the other end with a baby. Cry. 

But yeah let’s not talk about how traumatising all of that shit is. You’ll get support at the hospital, sure, but if you’re lucky enough to even get pregnant it’s often crap because “we don’t do trauma help during pregnancy”. And yeah okay that makes sense, that kind of stress won’t be good for the baby. But the other kind of stress you’re dealing with isn’t, either.

[purple-butterfly-and-sunflowers]

I think the worst part of this all has been watching my family go through this.

They were reunited with their lost little girl after after a decade, 12 long years. When they met me I was damaged, sure, I was very nervous at first. It was obvious I had some chronic health conditions going on, something deeper than my Fibromyalgia than my Fibromyalgia my was making me hurt and sick. But despite that, I was up, walking around and being the cheerful little girl they remembered from so long ago. They fell in love with the same little girl they'd lost with some damage, some quirks and paranoia from traumatic events but they fell in love with the fact I was here, I was happy to be here, and in spite of everything I had been through I had never stopped being the little light in the darkness they had been searching for for what felt like forever.

But everything changed after I came back from a trip to see my grandparents for the first time after the reunion. The flights there were fine, but when I was landing back home from my layover, as soon as the planes tires hit ground I felt a horrible, sharp pain in my right side of my pelvis. We already knew I was having issues with ovarian cysts and some free fluid so it was concerning.

After that it took about a week for my energy to die. Just completely. I was hyper and a little all over the place but I started to struggle to do my daily routine when I had been actually too little of a to do list before. I started to have more moments I'd pause and groan, whince and whine in pain. It wasn't horrible at first but it kept getting worse and worse.

"That OB/GYN appointment is soon, hopefully we'll get some answers." Is what we held onto for months. When they did an ultrasound because I was in extreme pain, extremely swollen, had audible free fluid in my abdomen, and known ovarian cysts. They found I had a lot of fluid, an big cyst on my right ovary, and something weird going on with my left ovary and the tube. The fallopian tube was not were it was supposed to be in relation to the ovary and it was full of fluid.

They tried antibiotics to no resolve. It did nothing. My pain worsened. I could not anything anymore. Just feeding the dogs caused so much pain I'd be exhausted by 11:00 AM. My family would watch me in pain and try their best to comfort me, hug me, stroke my face, touch my hair, pet my head and just say "I'm so sorry baby, hopefully they can fix this... They've gotta do something..."

Then after I had another ultrasound as a follow up after a trip to the ER they found my condition had significantly worsened in the one week and a half since they last saw me. The ultrasound tech asked my doctor to see me despite not having an appointment that day and we had to schedule laparoscopic surgery.

There they found I had Endometriosis, stage IV. Pretty rare for a 19 year old with no genetic factors to have stage IV Endometriosis. They cut out all the Endo and cysts, luckily it was all beign.

But it's changed everything. It feels like a death sentence. I'm realizing this isn't going to end. I'm stuck like this. My future entails more pain, more suffering, more doctors, more ultrasounds, more needles, more surgery and more time spent doing things I wouldn't have to had people kept their fucking hands to their goddamn selves.

Now my familys comfort has changed. Instead of "Hopefully they can find what's wrong and fix it... I'm sure we can fix this... I'm sure they'll find it and fix it...." Now they see me crumble and implode from sheer pain, panting, whining, holding my breath and clenching my teeth around the scream that threatens to erupt out of mouth. And I see their faces... I felt their spirits dampen. I see them frown and I see the sadness and grief ignited by a surprised rage spark and bleed from their eyes. They try to comfort me but are often unwelcomed by gasps and shudders of aching sensitivity. And we have a moment where we both see in the others face that we both want me to receive love, affection and comfort and are just distraught I can't handle it. They see shrivel up inside my own misery and all they can say "I'm so sorry babygirl.... I wish we could do more to help..."

I can't be myself anymore. I don't have the energy. My family watches and they see me repeatedly everyday try to pull myself to my feet, doo all I can possibly do that day just to once again collapse and break down because of the pain. They see how hard I'm trying to not let it consume me. And they see how it's consuming my life.

But they do not judge they do not push me. They love me. They support me. They help me. They want to make it go away. And it makes us all so fucking sad that they can't. It makes us all enraged that this is even happening. When if we had just been left alone all those years ago I would never have to know this pain.