#and then I watch as their liking for me diminishes
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So different from the crowd
êâĄââââââĄê êâĄââââââĄê
Pairing: Minho X gn reader
Summary: An evening in the park goes quiet after you reveal your inner struggles.
Genre: Comfort/hurt
Word Count: 2.1K
Trigger warning: Self-hatred and identity issues.
A/N: I hope this comes across to the people who need it most right now. I'm feeling emotional, so consider this a love letter from me to you. You're going to do great things, I know you will <3
_ _ _
No matter how much time passed, it always still seemed to sting. Thereâs always different kinds of rejection in life. Sometimes simple words can easily be brushed off, but other times, they dig into sensitive flesh. Words worm their way into your brain and they follow the blood flow until they reach your heart.Â
People try to learn how to take constructive criticism, but with a heart full of stitches and oozing holes, sometimes it feels impossible. Would it ever feel right? When would words start slipping off you like a water resistant coating instead of silencing you? Your hopes. Your dreams. Your identity. Why did it have to be so hard?Â
For some, their identity is as simple as slipping on a t-shirt. It fits perfectly and it doesnât feel wrong. The wool doesnât irritate the skin. The cotton isnât too tight. Thereâs never any questioning because the skin on their body fits properly.Â
For some people, it will never feel right. The color of their skin, the way their bodies are formed, whoever they choose to love, it will always feel off; a tag scratching against the back of their neck, even if they try to cut it off.Â
Will self-love ever win? Will it ever fill the aching void deep inside and settle the unrest? Will it finally feel as easy as breathing? When would it be your turn to experience the joyous feeling of loving yourself?Â
âWee! Look at me! Look at me!âÂ
You glanced over at the sound of a voice. Across the way, Minho was kicking himself higher and higher into a golden sunset sky. The diminishing sunlight caused his eyes to sparkle. He grinned when your eyes met his.Â
His smile was infectious, so you felt your own start to grow on your face. âWhat are you doing?â You called out to him.Â
âWhat does it look like Iâm doing? Iâm swinging! Look how high I am?â A giggle spilled from his mouth. âIâm gonna go straight to the moon!âÂ
It was silly to be a grown adult and act so childish. Luckily for you, you liked silly. Minho and you had been close friends forever. He finished recording earlier in the evening and asked if youâd like to hang out. How were you supposed to reject the offer?Â
The clouds smeared the skies with dark yellows. A gray-blue was swallowing the clouds whole across the way. Fleeting birds passed and swooped down along the ground. They were attempting to find the last bits of food before the fading sunlight disappeared.Â
Minhoâs legs pumped back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. Again and again and again. He constantly propelled himself higher and higher. You watched with a smile.Â
Between the swings and creaks of the rusted swing set, Minho turned into a boy again. Youth filled his face and his laughter rang out louder. How many times must he have done the same thing as a kid? Back when swing sets felt like rocket ships and slides were space launchers. Quick adrenaline bursts at recess left him breathless and giddy for another chance to go higher or faster.Â
Childhood was so fragile for some and strengthening for others. After all, it was the paved way into your teenage years. Your teen years dipped into adulthood and thatâs why you were the way you were.Â
âCome join me!âÂ
You shook your head.Â
âCome on!âÂ
âIâm not interested. I donât remember the last time I was on a swing set. Besides, the connecting chains are so rusted and what if I-âÂ
And then he was flying. The swing pulled back and swooshed forth, but he didnât second guess the high speed. He shifted his hands and propelled himself off the rubber bottom.Â
You gasped and jerked upright from the wooden picnic table you were at. The moment his feet dragged along the sienna mulch, you were up in an instant. You rushed over with wide eyes. âHey, are you okay? You shouldnât have done that! What if you would have gotten injured?âÂ
He said it with a mischievous smile. âYou worry too much. Come on!â There wasnât time to respond as he looped his hand through yours.Â
He jerked you through the mulch until the two of you reached a blue-based mary-go-round. He gave you a gentle shove and stepped up to the side of it. When you hesitated, he patted the cool metal base.Â
You climbed forward and sat down. Lowering your body onto it, you grabbed one of the white railings and let out a soft sigh. âJust donât make it go too fast, okay? You know I get nauseous easily.âÂ
âI know, I know. I havenât forgotten about it, so just try to relax.â He curled a foot around the nearest white mound and placed his other foot in the bed of mulch. He kicked off and the two of you began to slowly spin in a circle.Â
âSo whatâs on your mind?âÂ
âNothing.âÂ
âItâs written all over your face.âÂ
A creaking sound filled the air. The old spinning mechanisms beneath the machine hadnât been used in quite a while. This specific playground was hidden away at the end of a dead end street.Â
It wasnât filled with lively children. It was so small and there weren't many kids in the area. A bigger and well maintained park lied in the heart of the town. Instead of maintaining this park, it just slowly seemed to rot away.Â
Old paint peeled and was never repainted. The slide had a long worn spot along the metal where people used to slide down over and over again. The once playful laughter of kids had been replaced by a haunted stillness.Â
The rocking animals were covered in a layer of heavy grime and rust. Over the years, the weather poured and snowed. Temperatures skyrocketed and then they froze again. Without maintenance and proper upkeep, the smiling bunny rabbit, and what looked to be a dinosaur, had been left to fend for themselves.Â
âSo whatâs it really?â Minho tried again.Â
Itâs the one thing that you had bittersweet feelings about. No matter what you felt, he always picked up on it if it was a negative feeling. As if he was personally skimming through the thoughts in your brain and reading them word-for-word.Â
âDo you ever feel like youâre not in the right body?âÂ
All that was left was the squeakiness of the merry-go round. His foot had picked up as you spun in a slow circle. He glanced off to the side and slowly blinked. The words were echoing in his head as he attempted to put a response together.Â
âI suppose that I do feel like that sometimes, yeah. Iâll question different parts of myself, but at the end of the day, Iâm me and I think thatâs pretty cool.âÂ
You scoffed and shook your head. âPretty cool? Yeah, well, itâs not pretty fucking cool when you donât have half the population simping over your good looks.âÂ
âI hit a nerve, huh?âÂ
You shook your head and shoved your leg out to stop the spin. Instead, Minho kicked wildly at the ground. You yelped and clutched the pole you clung to while your body jerked back by the force of gravity.Â
âDonât go. I was half-kidding, but I was also serious. The great thing about life is that a person can change. We can fix our features and we can change our clothes. If we donât like our hair color, we ca-âÂ
âAnd what about the color of our skin? What about the people weâre sexually attracted to? What if I feel like Iâm in the wrong body with the wrong parts? If Iâm just a puzzle and all the pieces are scrambled? What then?âÂ
âIâd say fuck the people who ever made you feel that way because you shouldnât have to worry about things like that. Those are things that you shouldnât have to change to please people.âÂ
âI just want to be accepted,â you finally whispered softly.Â
The creaking began to fade away as the two of you came to a slow stop. The sun was disappearing quicker and quicker. Darkness was creeping from above, but it couldnât hide the pools of sadness in your eyes.Â
It didnât stop the way your body curled in around itself. The flicker of the past and present colliding. Your young self pushing through the reflection of you and searching for that same praise and validation that you always had. You craved validation like a kid craved a proud parent.Â
Youâd go to the ends of the earth for someone, as long as it meant being recognized. At the end of the day, it was all you ever wanted. You wanted to be seen. You wanted to be heard. You wanted someone to reach out and clutch onto you and say it back.Â
âI exist. Iâm alive. Iâm here and Iâm breathing. Despite the hate, despite the disappointment, despite it all, Iâm still here. Iâm fighting, Iâm trying, and Iâm surviving.âÂ
The world wasnât always kind to those with differences. How could it be? To be different was to be bizarre. An outcast. A freak. A weirdo. It terrified people to be different.Â
âWhat if Iâll never be good enough?â You finally uttered weakly. âWhat if Iâm just what people say I am?âÂ
âBut what if you're not? What if youâre someone with an amazing heart? What if youâre someone who heals people in ways you donât understand? What if you radiate sunshine and you donât even realize it because the rain clouds are blocking your vision?âÂ
You hated how much hope you found in a single person because it felt like the world was screaming at you. You were being swallowed and thrown into a vortex with nowhere to scream.Â
Rumors ran wild on social media. Society always seemed to throw you into a molded stereotype, even if you didnât quite fit. You were stretched to be someone you werenât. Squashed down just to be another statistic in a textbook.Â
âYou knowâŠâ he leaned back against the metal pole. The coolness sat among his spine and straightened his posture. âSometimes thereâs not enough people out there that speak up. Sometimes theyâre anxious and other times, theyâre just scared in general.âÂ
âBut sometimes,â he continued, âsome people admire others from afar. Things arenât always so black and white. You donât have to pretend to be someone you're not. You might feel like you have to, but you donât.âÂ
His foot swung out again. Slowly, he shifted and he pushed himself backwards with the force. âThis life can be a blessing or a curse, itâs up to you to handle however things are thrown at you.âÂ
Your eyes found the ground. He noticed it instantly, but he didnât let up. âI hope one day you find the peace you need to find within yourself. I know Iâm not a hundred people, but I know weâre friends and you value my opinion. No matter what you struggle with, Iâm happy that youâre you.âÂ
He pushed a bit faster and a loud creak sounded. At that moment, it was just the two of you. Nothing else mattered as he spoke. You drank his words like a special elixir because you needed them more than ever.Â
Life could be hard and people could be cruel. Self-doubt could slither in like a snake and have you choking for air before you knew it. It meant so much coming from someone like him.Â
âI like you more than other people.âÂ
âWhy canât you just say âI love youâ like a normal person?â You tried to keep it together, but your voice cracked. It gave away just how vulnerable and lost you were feeling.Â
âLove?â His face scrunched up. âBleh. I donât have time for that. I donât think love is anywhere in my vocabulary.âÂ
âI love you too.âÂ
âYeah, I have no idea what youâre talking about.âÂ
He shoved his foot hard across the ground. A handful of mulch fluttered in different directions and you screeched. He grinned and launched himself up onto his feet. He kicked again and again and again. You spun faster and faster, it felt like flying.Â
That childish happiness was back. Around and around you went and where you ended up, nobody knew. How you landed was up to you. Your laughter tangled together beneath the yellowed streetlights.Â
The abandoned playground finally felt the familiar warmth of innocence and laughter once more.Â
| âĄ.ïčïčïčïč.⥠| âĄ.ïčïčïčïč.⥠| âĄ.ïčïčïčïč.⥠|
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To hunt or be hunted
Alastor x reader x Lucifer
Chapter 4: Warnings: Sexual tension.
(Image taken from Pinterest.)
One year left. You reminded yourself while watching the black snake tattoo that slowly made its way up your arm, soon it would reach your heart and all would be over.
âTen years, you work for me at my Hotel, and if I canât manage to convince you to find something good to do with yourself, Iâll set you freeâ Charlieâs voice resonated in your head, it made no sense, but the true meaning of the deal was that if she could manage to help you find a reason to continue living, you would have a permanent home at the hotel.
If she couldnât, you would have your soul back, and then the snake takes care of ending your suffering.
A swarming of feelings and thoughts came from thinking about the countdown, âItâs probably the bestâ who was going to miss you anyways? No one did back at the living world, your daughter died postpartum, your husband died because of his sins, most of your friends at the time left overseas looking for a better life, and there was no family left to mourn you.
Still isnât.
Your father and your husband were most likely around in hell somewhere, in a hundred years you havenât bothered to check, probably ended up repeating the same pattern: Gambling, debts, death.
May was a dreadful month, Motherâs day, your daughterâs birth and death anniversary, and just by the end of it, your birthday. Turning 40 is bad, but imagine turning 140 years old, that is worse.
You died at 35 years old in the 1920âs, since that to now itâs been 104 years, plus your age at the time 139, now turning 140. âItâs a blessing that I stayed looking the age I died in, otherwise I would be looking worseâ you outlined your hips with your hands while straightening the leather straps around your waist.
âY/n, can you come to the parlor please?â you heard Charlie speak through. You immediately knew what was going to happen, given that it was nine am sharp, and you werenât summoned to make breakfast.
She either told them, or Angel was going to be fried alive.
Just as you guessed, there was Charlie in front of the fireplace, as the rest, except Alastor, looked rather hurt and shocked, especially Lucifer and Vaggie.
âYou called?â The smoke cleared, making yourself appear sitting on the couch next to Charlie. A gasp found its way out of Vaggieâs throat before anyone could say anything. The angel collected her thoughts and then she was able to speak.
âCharlie, what the fuck is the AXE-MAN DOING IN THE HOTEL!â Vaggie didnât doubt a second to stand before her with the spear pointing at you, âSheâs the chef of the Hotelâ Charlie smiled weakly, trying her best to stay collected. âSince when?â the feline bartender asked, not minding your presence very much.
âBefore it started actually, eight years ago?â she turned to you for confirmation, which you nodded affirmatively. âAnd you hid this, becauseâŠ?â Angelâs turn to ask. Charlie was in shambles trying to come up with an answer that wouldnât raise more questions, but failed, so you interceded.
âWe made a deal; we donât need to disclose the details, but it made her feel guiltyâ she shot you an unamused look before turning to her partner, her hand softly tracing the outline of her cheek.
âHow come you got angry at me for lying to you, but you keep this kind of secret, honey?â seeing Charlie look as trapped as you were amused you, however for the sake of ending the fallen angelâs ranting, you intervened.Â
âHey now, whether she wanted to tell you or not itâs her business, but you hid the fact that you are an angel, worse than that a murderer, and no better than us sinners, so donât act all hurt because now you two are evenâ your eyes lit up as the staring began to feel more lie a threat towards the fallen angel.
âYou knew?â she diminished the distance between her spear and your neck, not earning a single flinch on your part, âOne piece of advice, your golden blood leaves a trail, and the stench is very specific, those like me that are used to blood can tell the differenceâ Alastor nodded in agreement.
âWhy didnât you tell meâ Charlie sounded suspicions not hurt, to no oneâs surprise really, âLast thing I knew I was a chef, not the gossip pressâ you took a look back to Vaggie, using a finger to lower the spear with zero effort, âBesides, wasnât my secret to discloseâ you winked an eye.
âWait hold on, what makes the Axe-man want to work in a place for redemption?â Lucifer questioned, now more relaxed, he was all and hellfire before thinking you had taken her daughterâs soul. âSheâs kind ofâŠâ her eyes were looking to you for help, âI made her a promise, we fought and came to an agreementâ you aided a response, one that was good enough for her not to worry.
Everyone turned to you, âIâm not ashamed of it, I got my ass kicked by miss sunshine here, lost my soul in the process and now Iâm the chefâ all except you and Charlie laughed, tearing up a little too.
âCharlie doesnât own a soul, donât be stupid, sheâs lying right, Charlie?â Lucifer watched his darling, perfect daughter image crumble when all she could respond to was a quiet shameful nod.
âYOU own a soul?â The shock was understandable. Possessing souls was not unusual, even lower-ranking demons could do it. The fact was that it was the good-natured princess who wanted to redeem demons. It was too much for Lucifer, he flopped beside you, brushing his hair back.Â
âBefore you all judge her, I was stupid enough to challenge her when Lilith had just left, she was in a very dark place, my timing was terribleâ you laughed, making your injuries pang on every fiber and string of muscle in response.Â
âHow dark?â the king whispered your way, âI was her punching bag, even after our fightâ he muttered a âshitâ both impressed and somewhat feeling guilty. They both had similar eyes when it came to pain.
âThe infamous Axe-Man of New Orleans, I presumeâ Alastor came forward, grabbing your hand and placing a chaste kiss on your knuckles. âOh, how unfortunateâ he knew your name from above, so he lived around or in New Orleans.
âWhy would you say that? You made an entire state fear your ax, for years there was nothing but jazz playing in the streets at night, and whatâs best, you were never identified nor caughtâ he pulled you from your seat, hitting his chest, his staff disappearing to leave his hand free to sneak behind your back, keeping you in place.
âWell, Iâm not that person anymoreâ Alastor drank in your scent, the sweetness burning its way down his lungs.
Every fiber, every hair on his body, told Alastor to run. Animal instinct, a deer in the jaws of a lion, a prey in front of a carnivore. Maybe because of the post-battle adrenaline he didn't feel the same instinct when you helped him. What will you feel with him so close? hunger? anger? lust? Curiosity ate him alive, he wanted to know what was telling you your instinct, how would it feel to be eaten by you.
âWhat made you bury the hatchet?â Angelâs pun made you smile, âAlastorâ still in his arm, you felt him shift. âWhen you made yourselfâŠpresent in hell, young, power hungry and all that, something inside me just told me that it was time to stopâ âor else it was going to end with bloodâ you thought.Â
âAlso before all this, I had heard about the cannibalistic murdererâ you were aware of his aberration to touch, but given his closeness, you had no choice. Both of your hands settled on his hips, mostly for leverage, but also to see how he would react to you.
âWhat an honor, I must say your performance inspired mineâ his smile twitched, especially after feeling your warmth though his coat.
âYouâre insulting me, Radio demonâ his chest tightened, a growl emanated from your throat, subtle but it made Alastorâs mind cloud a little. Focusing on your dilated pupils at all times to read any sign of warning, he saw nothing, no emotion whatsoever. Â
âYour act was sloppy, careless. The victim that became the executioner of his aggressors, tell me, do you feel better?â He didnât understand what you were implying, once he tasted human meat he just couldnât stop. He never asked himself if he was content, or if the blood made him feel better.
âYou only targeted Italian mobsters; Iâd say thatâs rather sloppyâ thatâs all he could think, âAnd yet I didnât allow myself to be shot in the headâ there was a weird aura surrounding you and him.
The situation was charming, two assassins of excellence, powerful Overlords with influence and stigma. Despite their sins, they were beautiful beings full of life and grace. Lucifer couldn't help but feel a tingle on his back watching such a scene. It seemed like they were going to devour each other, and relish in it.
âDisappointed?â your fangs shined with the firelight. âA littleâ he answered, expecting you to be more sanguinary, just as you used to be. âIâll make Jambalaya today if that makes you feel betterâ but no matter what he did, while frozen in place, like a deer in headlights, you couldnât make him feel less excited, less alive.
âThank you chĂ©rie, what about my work as of late?â reluctantly he let go of you, taking both of your hands in his. Yearning to make you either praise him, or crush his head under your heel.
âVery entertainingâ he has a very slim waist, and yet it felt strong under your fingertips, warm. He has his hands and forearm blackened, just as his legs must be. You wondered if the rest of his skin must be of that beautiful cream color. Of course, his chest wasnât bald, like you he has a thin layer of short and soft fur.
âUgh, get a roomâ Lucifer broke the moment, making Alastorâs eyes turn into the demonic radio stare you knew so well, âFunny I didnât think such a tiny person could have a massive mouthâ he then stepped away. Was it normal to be cold? Your body missed his closeness.
âHere he goes again, how about you help me with breakfast munch-king?â Lucifer felt his jacket being pulled off the couch, dragged by it towards the door that led to the hallway to the kitchen, âDid you seriously called me that?â he allowed that, with a smirk he gave Alastor the finger.
âWant me to sing the song too?â you warned with a smile, âYou wouldnât dare-â your arm hugged his small frame into your side as you started to mock him, âDing Dong the witch is dead!â you started, dragging the king down the hallway, âSTOOP!â That was the last thing the crew heard before the door closed behind you.
In the kitchen, Lucifer wandered around, staying a few steps from you. Not because he needed it, but to not seem invasive.Â
âSo, you challenged my daughter?â you hummed a yes, âShe took the split a bit bad, huh?â in the corner of your eye you could see him sit on the kitchen island, just a few inches from where his daughter had hurt her hand. Â
âIâll send you my medical billâ your sarcasm made him laugh a little, âYou donât look like you belong in the sin of pride, yours must be wrath, isnât it?â Do demons look according to their sins? You didnât know, âYou tell me, I have yet to allow myself to ponder over what I have doneâ.
âI think I didnât introduce myself, please forgive meâ you left the kettle under the fire and walked over to him, âMy name is Y/nâ you extended your hand to him, he took it with a smile. âLucifer Morningstar, you may call me however it pleases youâ his touch was gentle, but firm, you could feel his pulse though his gloves.
A thought tickled your brain, âIn that case, would you like sugar or honey in your tea, Samael?â his eyes shifted, his horns grew. Like wood, like wood, his gaze was the same as his daughter's, and yet they harbored both hatred and sadness, both as deep as an abyss.
It shot an intense wave of electricity up your spine. You stood in front of the biggest predator in all of hell.
âSorry, sorry, I just wanted to get a reaction out of youâ he hadnât let go of your hand, nor squeezed it, âI apologize, my kingâ your free hand caressed over the fabric.
He pouted, still not letting go of your hand. âIf you let me touch your ears, I may forgive youâ he turned back, you caught the sight of his tail slithering inside his pants.
âSure, but please donât get too close to the inside, my instincts are very strong and unforgiving, I would hate to have your blood on my uniformâ You couldn't even finish speaking when he pulled your hand, immediately starting to touch the fur surrounding your ears. His knees settled on either side of your hips, taking advantage of the extra height the furniture provided.
âSo soft, itâs so weird, a lion sinnerâ he was pensative, âUsually itâs a loyal, brave and true creature, heaven materialâ the sensation made your heart flutter. You felt like a dog, which made your ego bruise up a little, but at the same time his hands were warm and gentle. So gentle, you noticed he took your advice and avoided the areas you mentioned.
âAnyways, youâre forgiven, again, youâre very softâ Another cold feeling due to loss of touch, how annoying. You swallowed a lump of saliva before you could speak again, âThank you, I take care of myselfâ.
âOh and the note, thanks, it hasnât been easyâ he didnât eased the pressure on your hips, âMarriage ainât easy, and being apart after thousand years of history must be roughâ itâs not like the closeness bothered you, but it grant him a cocky smile and a sense of power over you, that feeling brought back the feeling of looking like a dog.
âI justâŠI wish I could make it up to Charlieâ his hands grabbed one of yours, fidgeting with your fingers and the palm. âIf it makes you feel more at ease, the sole fact that youâre here partially does more than enoughâ the light in his eyes lasted a few seconds, it was a lovely sight.
âPartially?â worried? Understatement. âIf I say it you canât hit me or anythingâ he made an X over his heart, then his hand went back to yours.
âShe lied to you and you just went along with it? Parenting 101, mutual respect: she doesnât lie and you donât eitherâ he applied a light pressure to your hand pads, making your claws come out and retract, that seemed to amuse him.
âSo I have toâŠground her?â his golden gaze went up to your eyes, but you were far too concentrated in his movements. âWell not now, but maybe speaking with her about it might be the right course of actionâ.
Melancholy, he had a feeling so he went for it.
âYou were a parent?â he was right, your pained expression lasted a second but it was enough for him to feel a pang on his side. âFor a day and a few hoursâ your eyes darkened, as if they were lost in thought. The warmth of his hand on your cheek and a soft âMy condolencesâ brought you back.Â
âI just know appropriate parenting by taking my parentâs example and do the oppositeâ you masked your pain with a smile and a smart remark, just like him, âYeah, me tooâ his response made you scoff, âWhere would youâve sent you daughter for this kind of idea, Heaven?â.
Laughter filled the room. He wouldnât do such a thing, nothing Charlie did would make Lucifer banish her anywhere, much less punish her like that for trying to help others.
âI had a different perspective of youâ your tail stiffened around your leg, âWhat, a soulless maniac killer and nothing more?â you used to be like that. He laughed, âI mean, soulless indeedâ you ruffled the hair that fell on his forehead, âBut Iâm glad I was wrong, thank you for taking care of my daughter, I see she trusts you a lotâ you wouldnât call it trust, nor she relied on you much.
Now that you think about it, taking care of her was instinctive, âI just grew used to her this past eight yearsâ he smiled, âThank youâ he sensed the shift in you, the situation tensed up very quickly.
âDonât, and just to be fully open about it, you were the targetâ you would never show your fangs to anyone, looking like an animal doesnât give you the right to act like one.
âWait really?â his lips twitched, almost smiling. âI thought if I bruised up your daughter you would appear, but you saw how that endedâ he hummed, rather amused. Your intimidation did nothing to him.
âAre you strong enough?â he questioned it? It felt insulting, âAre you offering?â you looked at him up and down, not a trace of malice. âI mean if thatâs what you wantedâ he was willing to fight with you? âNah I knew I wasnât strong enough, itâs no different now. I just wanted to pass into history as a crazy bitch who died at the hands of the devilâ.
âIâm oversharing, shut upâ you took a deep breath, adjusting yourself in between his legs, âI seeâ his breath hit your skin, âNow I just do this, and Iâm fine with itâ.
âIâd say, youâre terrific in the kitchen, no matter if itâs a served cold or hot type of dish, you always make it taste like homeâ your ears flattened against your head. âThank youâ he then looked up from your hand once again, a tender pink hue adorned your cheeks.
âAnywaysâ you needed to get rid of his touch, it was just enough to take a few steps backwards, away from the overwhelming warmth for the cold to embrace you again. âI have to make breakfast, and I just pulled you away because your constant fights with Alastor has gotten old very quickâ you walked away, taking your white apron off the hanger, then tied a lovely bow on your back with the laces.
âOh, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you later thenâ was that disappointment you heard? You didnât know, and couldnât care as long as your body remained trying to shake off the excessive heat, and the phantom of his touch still lingering. âFuckâ thinking about it made you cut your finger with a knife.
...
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:(((
#Vents đ§ïž#sorry in advance for venting on here. I just... sort of want a kind person to listen to me#and you all are quite nice to me#I don't think my friends at school care about me very much#I mean. of course they find me annoying#because there's only so much time you can spend with me before I become so grating you have to take breaks from me#everyone at school finds me annoying. that's just how it is#but I feel like it's been getting worse#they're hiding things from me now... they're making plans without me and won't tell me about them#I'm not stupid I know they're setting up time together#I guess they didn't want me to know so I can't insert myself into it#I think they're going to leave me soon.#this is how it always happens. we start out and we click and I get comfortable around them and I stop masking as much#and then I watch as their liking for me diminishes#I know I've got my friends online but I wish I could get a hug from a friend who really actually wants to hug me#oh#<- they thought about a hug from one of their f/os and started tearing up#sometimes I worry that my f/os wouldn't really want me around#I know they're not real and I can do whatever I want with them but sometimes it's hard to picture them loving me as myself#I never think about myself unmasked around my f/os. I only think about them with the perfect version of me#maybe it's because I'm scared they wouldn't like the real me. like everybody else#I wish I could hear them tell me that.
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i hate the "i'm gonna uplift one female character by reducing that other female character's strength and resilience" mindset
#like#i know yall hate cersei#but saying [redacted] was a better lioness than cersei will ever be isn't the take of the year#did you forget how she had to endure years of rape and abuse?#did you forget how she had to watch all her children die?#did you forget the walk of shame?#that woman has a spine made of iron#but since it's cersei it's okay to throw her under the bus right?#and not notice her resilience in difficult times#sure#like you could have ended your post by saying both characters have strength in different ways#but no you had to diminish one female character's strength to praise another đ#anyway that post pissed me off#and i had to complain#marie talks to herself#rape tw
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my brother can make me laugh without moving at all. he can make me laugh on command, just by existing, and there is no physical tell or indication that it is about to happen. itâs like he can will me to laugh and i will. of course weâre not telepathic, but we do speak in unison sometimes. we improvise like no oneâs business. we could fool anyone into believing we are psychically linked. when i try to explain it, i sound silly saying it out loud, but i really CAN tell what heâs thinking. we exchange so much information just with a look. he can make me cry laughing and he doesnât even have to move
#i miss him so much i need him back i need him to live next to me again. i need to mooch off his wifi from my porch and invite him over#i miss him so much.#heâs only 2 minutes younger but he feels years younger. and yet i think weâre two halves of one soul#iâve always babied him not even in a mean or diminishing way but i felt this need to protect him#because he tends to be so naive and so shy#but. i am so proud of him. i need to show him off to everyone and i need everyone to understand how funny and charming he is#it feels like i grew up and left him where he will remain 11 forever. i miss him more than moving back home can fix#i miss him in ways that have nothing to do with the distance between our locations#but. it would certainly help to be able to see him every day#i keep smelling the carpet in his room and itâs so vivid. i remember the countless hours we spent developing huge wood block cities#and we would drive hot wheels over the wooden raceways we had made. we were actually quite coordinated and autistic about it#we were always building things together#just recently me and him talked on the phone about an old mlp au we came up with. all original characters and shit#it was super extensive and very clever#i STILL think it would make a really cool book series or something#i remember watching him play army men RTS gamecube on the wii. i STILL listen to the soundtrack to that game likeâŠ. daily#i remember walking into my room once where he was watching a show. and he was crying#and he NEVER cries over tv#but he was crying because his favorite character had resigned from the organization that the series was based around#and he was so distraught that she was leaving.#i remember when all 3 of us slept in one room. i remember when me and him were in bunk beds across the room#and we would sneak out of bed right as the parents left and stayed up playing by the light of the nightlight#the way we raced back into bed when the parents were approaching đ#my mom always says sheâs sad that i seem to remember so little of my life. like every story of my youth is news to me lmao#but i feel like i remember the most important parts? i think so#i remember how mom woke me up in the night to ask me to roll over because my bro could see my face from where he was sleeping#and he was scared because there was a weird shadow cast on my face that made it look like a skull which was making it hard for him to sleep#it was. so funny. i begrudgingly rolled over#i donât know. itâs just that there isnât a single instance i bring up that my brother does not also remember.#no matter how tiny or specific. we shared everything growing up
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Found the first writing decision in Farscape that I'm not fond of that can't be handwaved with "Oh, it's because it's the late 90s". D'argo and Chiana romance, huh? đ€ Not sure I buy in to it
#I think the biggest thing is that it took me entirely by surprise. Guys WHERE did this come from???? What did I miss????#I'm not super against it I just don't think they have romantic chemistry.#I'm also willing to be convinced this isn't just a ''we're both incredibly lonely and a little broken inside'' thing and is genuine#of course it's a romance plot that is the first thing I don't like as much as everything else too because I'm me lmfao#actually now that I think about it some of it CAN be explained by being made in the late 90s#Chiana is hot therefore she MUST have a romance subplot at SOME point.#Honestly I'm genuinely delighted it took until season 2 for something to hit so wrong like this for me and that it doesn't#diminish my enjoyment for the show or even the characters. it just baffles me a little lol#I've even enjoyed ''less good'' episodes for the most part because I love whimsy and fun#farscape#had a brief divestment with a kdrama my sister in law NEEDED me to see but I'm back to watching farscape again
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i still have so many questions about the ff7 remake story. why did aerith even have knowledge of the future in remake to begin with? from a watsonion perspective, why does she lose that knowledge after the end of remake when sephiroth doesn't? (i'm fully aware the doylist reason is that having a character who knows the future would totally break the plot but i'm still curious if there's more to what they were doing with aerith's remake character or if this is it). what was her motivation to encourage the party to fight the whispers in the original game when she knew the party would defeat sephiroth in the end if events followed fate? was it simply that she wanted the chance to live? because that makes me want to lie down and cry!!!!
#blahs#ff7#rebirth spoilers#sephiroth's whole âso must youâ line to aerith about accepting her fate seems to imply he's saying she was resisting it#and that the aerith we see in cloud's dream reality is the aerith from remake with all her knowledge of the future#and her pushing cloud out of the dream is her accepting her death?#which makes me want to die!!!!!#it also seems implied by sephiroth that remake!aerith went and hid away in the alternate reality as a way to run from her fate??#idk i might have to go back and watch things again#but if so perhaps that answers my question about why aerith loses her future knowledge#i do dig it a lot bc i have always been a staunch Aerith Wanted To Live Believer#i dislike the interpretation that in og ff7 she knew she would die and it was a noble sacrifice. i think that diminishes the tragedy#so the idea that she actively resisted it when given the chance even if she eventually had to accept the reality of death makes me very !!!#like it breaks my heart but it's in line with my interpretation of her character#anyway. i'm vomiting all this to my tumblr audience of People Who Don't Care About FF7 bc my bestie's asleep so i can't talk to her about i#tumblrinas please play ff7 i promise it's so good it's some of my favourite character writing in a game ever for real
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Menacing black cat crosses my path this October Friday 13th đł.........
#so dangerous#he's a kitten to a neighborhood stray she was watching him dutifully from the bushes#dw we love black cats my sis has one#i always wanted one đ i have 2 cats and take care of my parents cat or else i would#nothing could stop me from a mission to adopt this baby if i were able to support it#this same cat actually had a litter earlier this summer and my siblings caught the kitties and brought them to a shelter#they didn't get the mom tho and obv trust diminished after that#but she's got a neighborhood mate she needs to be fixed and released if not taken in đ„ș#uhh anyway it's that season#I've been staying at siblings house for mental health break from home and the fact that this feels like good luck to me lol#kitty cat blog
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You should always be wary of people who swear off therapy and then minimize, attack and step over your own feelings and experiences, because they think they're above having therapy, or they've tried it for one day, or one week and didn't seek another professional's advice.
Because genuinely, my heart goes out to everyone whose tried therapy and it hasn't worked for them because of problems outside of their control. But for people who fight you on the fact that therapy never works, not for anyone, and that they're better off just reading psychology and theory, those are the people that you should criticize the most.
It is obvious to anyone in the disabled or neurodivergent or mentally ill community that plenty of professionals are fucking stupid or ignorant because they haven't researched enough or learned past a certain point in their lives and stopped helping their patients beyond what they took tests for. And those are the people who let down people the most when it comes to helping people. Those are the people you shouldn't trust with your time or money.
So what makes you think that reading a couple psychology books, probably the same old, traditional bullshit, that they taught to all those terrible doctors, will actually help with yours or anyone else's mental health issues. Everyone whose met an annoying psychology major knows. It's clear that trying to be intellectually superior than a literal patient in therapy, or someone actually living with the disabilities described in those books, isn't the brightest idea.
As someone whose tried and failed to DIY their own mental health journey, it is not easy nor recommended to go through this shit alone. You probably shouldn't, because its damn well easy to make your mental health worse, because it's so easy to fuck something up. Like accidentally or purposely triggering yourself, in order to get to the bottom to why you're feeling something. It's not fun.
So please, if you're having trouble finding therapy, there are community resources out there to help you deal with shit on your own, but don't go spouting stuff you don't actually understand. Don't go trusting strangers who say they have the answers to self help, and then twist around actual clinical terms to bring their point home, don't listen to those people. Don't listen to people who spitefully swear off therapy because they think they can handle it all by themselves. Just don't trust people who don't actually have a degree, and still criticize the ones that do. If some advice to you, seems off, or overblown or diminished, you should be questioning that advice. You should be getting a second opinion.
I make mental health and disabled content all the time on here because I want people to be informed, and to find community and resources to get the help that you need. But you can't pull therapy words out of your ass and expect people not to question you. Talk to the community and don't just go informing random strangers, if you don't know what you're talking about.
If you abuse your platform to misinform other ignorant people, you deserve to have your platform taken away. So treat the chance to educate people as a privilege, don't use it to spout bullshit that you don't understand. Therapy isn't a last resort, so don't listen to anyone that treats it that way.
#babey posts#this shit is a red fucking flag!!#i just tried arguing with someone about the way they were misusing clinical terminology#and then they decided to diminish and minimize and gaslight me#trying to say that i was neurotic crazy and projecting onto them#this is some emotionally abusive bullshit#don't trust strangers who give shit medical advice like that#especially with the 'hold yourself accountable by shaming yourself for having negative thoughts'#LIKE THAT'S SO WRONG!!!! STOP#i can say a million things that they were saying wrong#but posting therapy terms in a community that is not actually psychology was one of them#this is not the same as people who genuinely cannot access therapy whether to an abusive situation or to actual lack of insurance#these are the people who complain about issues that could be solved through therapy and say that therapy is stupid and doesn't work#sometimes therapy doesn't work for people!! but please try it.#if you have access to it. do it.#and if you don't have access to it. talk the community with the same disorders as you.#watch youtube videos and talk to other people and seek support there.#please please please don't spread the idea that other people need to shame themselves for their issues in order to improve#thats the opposite of improving. that is literally the opposite.
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I don't know what to say... everyone got a happy ending except the people who actually wanted a real revolution and had a cause for it... but it's not like we had much of their opinions on this I guess... also no final lez sex scene... tragic
#the man silver is looking for is thomas i know it..... thats why flint wont kill him..... he will pop out with the i know where thomas is#flint and co being down to guerrilla tactics.... OH JACK MADE IT SKFJSKSJSK#silver realising that he did this tantrum that broke their crew apart for nothing cause flint really wangs madi alive.... DUMBASS#you know what i think the change between season in centering mostly everything around silver instead of flint kinda diminishes the causes#for billys grievances and betrayal and kinda descent into madness lmao bc his problem is with flint but it kinda is blurred in the distance#idk billy is very against flint and so was silver but the moment he got close to him those issues disappeared almost completely bc#novody complains about flint anymore... its just billy in the background and he just sounds petty#and then with silvers betrayal of flint bc of madi is just not deep enough like yeah your wife but that relationship is not developed...#and silvers relationship with flint actually is so it doesnt make sense#fistfight on the crows nest.... wow.... and billy drowns again!!!#is jack going to fight the governor HE IS GOING TO DIEE!!!#YEAAAAAH TWO AGAINST ONE KILL HIM!! FLINT KICK HIM WHILE HE IS DOWN!!!!#madi is alive my god..... silver was gon a end it all real quick#we could have done this before with twice the men but alas...#why is everything so eerie what is going on.... what is going to happen#MY GOD!!! FLINT IS MAKING ME CRY WHE IS HE SMILING AND PLEADING!!!! MY GOD!!!! FLINT YOU NEED TO MURDER HIM#EXACTLY WDYM THIS WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!!! CASTING IN THE DARK FOR SOME PROOF THAT YOU MATTERED AND FINDING NONE!!!#THE FUCKING TREATY MADI WOULDNT ACCEPT!!! SILVER YOU ARE NOTHING!!!!!#of course thomas was there....#silver i hate you but that was beautiful#them gaying out in the middle of the field akdbakns the soldiers just đ§đ»ââïž#you didnt betray her until now but it is literally the thought that counts#billy STILL ALIVE ajdjajj he is younger and more beautiful i told you.... he is unkillable#Featherstone as governor??? ajshaksjaiajwkqqjwkjwkakwkwwkwksa#look how happy max is ajdhaksjak YEAAAAHHH#jack that is a woman..... also ANNE AND JACK THE LAST PIRATES YEAAAHHHHH#THE PIRATE FLAG YEAAAAHHHHH#max and anne are smiling all the time now bc they get their pussy eaten on the reg.... it is true#talking tag#watching black sails
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youtube
#kat dribbles#anyone who's known me since late 2018 knows what a wreck i was the *last* time my special interest was associated with a shitty VA#also TakoPa ending on a note about how good things (like parties) can't last forever would've made the perfect whole series finale#and im honestly sad to see that diminished#oh well at least i have the option to just... not watch it... well *maybe* the choro skits
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have you watched the pjo show?
I saw the first 2 episodes when they came out at a watch party one of my friends threw, and as soon as they ended I realized I didn't particularly care to keep going. It wasn't like, outrageously bad by any means, I just don't think it gripped me enough to want to continue, and there were enough odd adaptational choices that I thought weakened the story that I lost interest. I might have tuned back in if the changes actually built to something interesting in the later episodes, but from everything I've seen it kinda seems like they just took the teeth out of the story, which was what I was worried about.
That being said, the cast seems really great and well suited to their roles, so like, if they improve the writing and pacing in the later seasons and stop sanding down all the rough edges, I might pick it back up. But otherwise, pass.
#im like famously bad at watching tv tho so me not wanting to continue is less dramatic than it probably sounds#i just don't really watch it casually anymore so I'll only follow along with shows that i really really like#i got another ask about the show a little while ago and i was like 'oh ill answer that once ive caught up' and then i never caught up so#sorry to whoever sent that i wasn't ignoring you i just never got to the ep you mentioned#like if I'm trying to be optimistic. given how quickly shows get canned if they're not immediately super popular. and given that this is a#disney product. its possible that once the show proves it can be commercially successful and the characters get older they might stop#playing it so safe and boring and bring some of the harder and more complicated elements back in. and like. that won't fix what they've#already fumbled but it will at least make the story better and more interesting. but idk how likely that is esp since#rick riordan seems totally on board with all the changes and it sounds like he doesn't really get why they diminish the story#like i feel like they're thinking too much about whether or not a change has a huge impact on the plot and not enough about how it#impacts the characters and the overall theme and vibe of the story. if that makes sense#like sure we still got from point A to point B in roughly the same way but that trip means something different for the characters now#and if you do that enough times you end up with a completely different result at the end even if we're technically in the same place#percy jackson show#asks
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Apollo being Willâs assigned fursona is funny but like,. I think knowing the context later on when Will notes that outside of swimming, she had a passion for art, although a side hobby of hers, she nevertheless would draw what her and Willâs interests and have her own characters. It kills me knowing how although it dwindled among sharing her art, this game is whatâs left and like although you have NO CLUE as to why this Letâs Play is happening you have to sit and just think about the GRIP these text boxes have on Will Itâs
#APOLLOS LOVE THEYâRE LOVE ITSELF THEYâRE AN EMBODIMENT OF THEIR SHARED PASSIONS ENDURING THROUGH ALL *SCREAMS*#diminish#*gritting teeth*#Iâm pulling my hair trying to word my feelings but tumblrs textposts are my canvas and Iâm throwing the bucket of paint full force#with the bucket#screaming and crying throwing up pacing back and forth#very normal abt them#I think I should start being open abt this webseries it has been taunting me to make stuff again#I think I also want to wave Teddy and Will around infront of ppl like Iâm sorry I never was the same after I originally watched this#BUT KNOWING SHE WOULD DRAW STUFF FOR HIM đ„șđ„șđ„șđ„șđ„șđ„ș PLEASEEEEE DONT DO THAT TO MEEEEE
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I should stop watching stuff on cults
#I like. donât ACTUALLY think my childhood could be comparable to a literal actual cult#I think thatâs insensitive to actual cult survivors and the ppl trapped in them#HOWEVER it did have a lot of cult-like elements and manipulation tactics#and I think it would be kinda dumb of me to ignore that#like the older I get and the more I consider my childhood and family the more I have to be like âoh holy SHIT this was not normalâ#which like ofc no abuse is ânormalâ and most ppl who were abused have those realizations#Iâm not diminishing that#but I think about it sometimes and yeah. the way I was raised the way I interacted with the worldâŠ#I donât really think it was comparable to nuclear family control in a general sense#and idk sometimes I watch stuff on cults and I just go. huh. wow. that uh. thatâs how my family acts#thatâs how they believe and thatâs how they interact with the world#fucking yikes#idk. Iâm watching a documentary tonight#and itâs. yeah itâs like. making me think#I should probably NOT watch these things considering how they make me feel#but oh well. maybe I wanna feel vaguely gross and fucked up and upset and angry tonight#kaz rambles
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I think. I am going to try ranked splatoonâŠ
#i have been watching some people#they are like really good but not top 500#and it gives me hope#pvp became such an awful thing for me to engage in for the past 8 years but i do miss it#and i think i have been away for so long that like. my hand eye coordination is diminishing#so ive been playing salmon run to make sure its not completely gone but i think i will take a Chance#(chicken pants)#and do some ranked for a little bit#i used to main splattershot pro but the kit was so nasty in this game that i didnt touch it#same w nzap#but the have a new splattershot pro that actually feels like i can do something w it#i just hated the angle point thingie so much đđđ they shouldve just had the lil sub u throw to highlight people#also#i have been playing titanfall2 again and i miss my robots#i miss playing shooters and having fun w them đ
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I've been thinking a lot lately about Delirium and the way she speaks. She talks around a concept, never hitting it head on but glancing off through a series of metaphors and related concepts that explain things far better than wording them straight might. It's very relatable, and I think that's why I like her; that's how I think.
To me, the world isn't composed of precisely defined concepts but a series of interconnected existences which can all, ultimately, be related to each other. I also experience things in the incredibly specific manner Delirium seems to. I have sensitivities largely untethered from aversions, meaning that while I don't often find things deeply unpleasant or intolerable, I still experience them with an unusual specificity which often defies concise explanation. The best way I can convey certain feelings or experiences is through other feelings, experiences, and concepts to weave together a series of approximations that through their similar and dissimilar traits narrow down to what I'm trying to describe. Delirium does this too, and it's treated as a part of her that's no better or worse than any other. There are those that don't understand and those that do, and those that at least try to are awarded for their efforts because finally and most importantly, she genuinely has something to say. Her speech patterns are deceptively rambling because she takes a long time to say what she means to say, while simultaneously saying exactly it.
Delirium is neurodivergent coded in such a cathartic way because of this. I feel her frustration and joy because I know what it's like to be the person trying to explain something that has no words to assign, asking all of the time if there's a word for what she's feeling as a rhetorical and genuine question so that she can explain something without explaining it and call into question why we feel everything must be precisely laid in the place of as few words as possible. She is incredibly intelligent, but loses track of all of what's happening in a far more obvious way than most because there's just so much to keep track of, which is also very relatable as a neurodivergent person. Without putting labels on the experience, she perfectly captures it. I just... I like Delirium quite a lot, and think she'd be very good at post-modern literature.
#i hope to god this comprehensible#im trying so hard to get this shit in a line exactly becaude of why i like her#theres jusy SO MUCH to say its very hard to keep it straight and many more things to focus on beyond it#i love that delirium is treated by the narrative as an intelligent and wise being that just conveys that in an unconventional way#shes like my mirror metaphor. no mirror can light upon the minutae without shattering and no shattered mirror can see the bigger picture.#shes shattered but knows from when she was whole what the full picture looks like but she gets lost in all of the fragments#which gives her an incredibly unique and valuable perspective#at a surface level it seems as if she's an offensive depiction of mental illness but once you go deeper you realize shes not for the very-#reason she at first seemed to be. she embodies what is looked down upon but its told through side comments and events that theres more to-#her than the seeming irrationality.#she picks up and puts things down as she remembers them but that doesnt mean any one thing is any less valuable than any other#the ephemeral quality of her attentions dont diminish their value.#i have a lot of thoughts about her i just. am very fond.#and the way she and dream truly demonstrate the dichotomy of mental illness and neurodivergence makes me froth at the mouth.#he knows what shes saying most of the time and knows where shes at whether he admits it to himself or not because shes just externalizing-#what exists solely internally for him. hes better at masking and that is their difference which makes Such a statement oh my god when you-#think about how each are treated and understood.#it took me like. two weeks to organize these thoughts btw. they float in little brain clouds <3#i need to watch everything everywhere all at once#anyway#delirium of the endless#the sandman meta#the sandman#raspberry rambles
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