#and then I remember that I've been having panic attacks every couple of days and probably shouldn't add to our anxiety

[thethingything]

anyway sorry about all the system posts in quick succession, I'm just having a weird time because our brain's fixated on wanting to talk about source stuff again but that's still way too anxiety inducing and idk why it's doing this but I guess it's just a thing it does every so often

[ariesangelxo]

mornings - part two

MINORS & AGELESS BLOGS DNI

cw: more angst, still no comfort (i promise it’s coming in the next part), heartbreak, one mention of panic attacks, prescription benzo use, recreational coke use, drinking, arguing, mention of a gun and a gunshot at the end, not proofread lol

an: thank u all SO SO much for all of the love on part one !!! i am blown away and in awe. there also will be a part three for sure <3

part three

the past twenty-six days had not been kind to you. your mornings were spent rotting away in bed until your mom would force you to get up, her expression of concern always made you feel even worse. your days weren’t much better, you forced yourself to detach from your heart and numb your emotions. it was the only way you knew how to keep going. you put on a mask during the day with your parents, giving them occasional smiles and laughs that weren’t the kind that warmed their hearts. they knew you weren’t okay, but they also knew they couldn’t force you to talk about it or you’d shut down completely. your nights consisted of taking a benzodiazepine in order to fall asleep, you couldn’t sleep without them. you tried, it only led to intense panic attacks and hysterical sobs that made your mother’s heart break in front of you.

this morning had been a bit different. you were awakened when you felt a weight in your bed, and in the haze of waking up you initially thought it was rafe. you shot up the moment you remembered everything, eyes widening and heart racing, but you looked over to see sarah in your bed. "oh my god, sarah you scared the hell out of me!" you exclaimed, holding a hand over your chest.

she let out a giggle, "i'm sorry, your mom let me in. i miss you," her tone was gentle. you had become very close with sarah during your relationship with rafe. being over at the cameron's house so often led to a beautiful friendship forming between the two of you. she was like a sister to you, something you cherished deeply as you didn't grow up with a sister.

you felt a pang of guilt in your chest at her words. you knew she missed you, she'd messaged you every single day since your break up without fail, even if you didn't always text back. you had seen her a couple times, but when she asked about what happened, you told her you weren't ready to talk about it. sarah was incredibly understanding, knowing how much you loved her brother and not wanting to push you too far.

"i miss you too, sar. i'm sorry i've been such a shit friend lately." you responded to her. you gave her a small smile, curling up next to her as she sat against your headboard.

"it's okay, i know you're not doing great with everything going on right now," she trailed off with a sad smile, "but, you're going out with me tonight!" she became animated as she spoke.

you didn't have it in your heart to deny her, not when she looked at you like you were the most important person in her world. "you know i can't say no to you. where are we going?" you asked curiously.

"there's going to be a huge party at the boneyard, and you're coming with me. no ifs, ands, or buts." she giggled out, "i need to get you out of your room, you're rotting away in here, babe."

"god, you sound just like my mother," you teased back. "i'll go though, i miss you more than you know. i even miss the pogues a bit." you both laughed, referencing her newer relationship with john b.

you couldn't prevent your curiosity from getting the better of you, "how- how has he been?"

sarah bit her lip, debating internally how much to tell you. "he's been... not great. i don't see him much when i'm home, he's usually in his room with the door shut. he's been a lot more moody too, snapping at literally everyone in the house. it probably didn't help that i told him he's an idiot and he fucked up the best thing to ever happen to him."

you couldn't suppress the laugh that slipped through your lips or the slight satisfaction you felt knowing that you weren't the only one struggling. "i love you sar. thank you." you leaned over, giving her a hug.

"i love you too. now get your ass up and shower. we're getting you a new outfit for the party."

you spent the next few hours strolling through the streets of figure eight with sarah. your arms held multiple shopping bags, filled with clothes she insisted you needed for tonight. you were incredibly grateful that she had forced you out of bed, you actually felt human for the first time since everything happened.

you found yourself in a small cafe, giggling as sarah told you a story from one of her drunken adventures with the pogues.

“you know… you should talk to jj tonight. i know he thinks you’re hot.” sarah gave you a mischievous smile as she wiggled her brows.

“funny,” you rolled your eyes playfully at her, “but it’s way too soon for me to get into anything with anybody right now.”

“i didn’t mean start dating him, i just think you would have fun together.”

“i just- i don’t know, sar. i’ve been such a wreck these past few weeks… can i tell you what happened?” you looked up from your fingers to meet her eyes, now widened with shock.

“yeah, of course you can. but don’t feel like you have to if you don’t want to.”

you were grateful for her support, going into your explanation of how the last couple months of your relationship, rafe’s behavior changed drastically. sarah hung on to your every word, needing to know exactly what led to the end of your relationship.

“and so i walked into the country club to surprise him. i spent the whole morning getting ready, did my makeup how he likes, even wore a new sundress that i know he would have loved. but i walked in and…” you looked up as your vision began to blur, “he was talking with some bitch i’ve never seen before bartending. she had short brunette hair, but he fucking smirked at her the way he only does- did for me. and- and then, she basically fucking held his hand while she fucked him with her eyes, and he let it happen!”

you spit the words out like they were poison on your tongue, not noticing your voice beginning to raise with frustration. sarah’s jaw was nearly on the floor.

“what the- what the fuck?” she racked her brain, trying to remember if she’d seen anyone matching your description recently, but nothing came to her.

“god, shit. i’m so sorry, babe. i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with him.” she attempted to console you as you dabbed your eyes with a napkin.

you shrugged your shoulders, “what’s done is done. i just want to forget about everything for a while.”

she nodded, “then let’s go get ready. we can pregame at yours and ride with john b and them.”

after a few shots, a couple hours spent transforming yourself to not look like you spent the last three weeks trying to cope with your break up, and a lot of laughter, you and sarah were ready to go.

you wore a cropped loosely crocheted white sweater over your pink bikini and a white miniskirt that hugged your hips , the strings from your bottom peaking out from the top of it. you were finally feeling good about yourself again, and you’d be damned if you let anyone ruin it.

the ride to the boneyard only lifted your spirits more. it was impossible not to laugh around the pogues, especially when jj did whatever he could to hear your giggle.

you arrived just as the party was beginning to pick up. relief flooded your veins when you didn’t see rafe anywhere. you knew it was a possibility he’d be here, but it was going to be significantly easier to have a decent night without his presence lingering around.

you filled up a red solo cup at the keg, downing the cheap alcohol before refilling it.

“slow down there, or you might not make it too long.” jj approached you, giving you a flirty smile.

you gave him a laugh in response, “i’ll be fine, jay. i just want to be able to let loose tonight.”

“stick by me then, don’t want any of these pervs creeping on you.” the thinly veiled concern in his voice made you smile. you know he’s flirting, but it’s clear he wants to keep you safe knowing it’s your first night out in so long.

you spent the next hour surrounded by the pogues, and true to his word, jj looked out for you. he did so well that you failed to notice who had shown up to the party, the one and only rafe cameron.

rafe, on the other hand, saw you immediately upon arriving. it was impossible for him not to when your presence demanded his attention. he was not happy to see who you were hanging around with. his ongoing beef with the pogues was well known by everybody on the island. he didn’t come to party though, he had other business to attend to as barry gave him a side eye, “fuck are you doing, country club? you can fight for your girl later, we’ve got shit to do.”

your drink had somehow disappeared. your furrowed your brows as you looked down, giggling to yourself as you told your friends you were going to get another one. you were at the perfect level of drunk, not to the point of blacking out or vomiting, but to where you couldn’t quite walk in a straight line and everything was funny to you.

you stumbled up to the keg, starting to fill up your cup when you felt someone watching you. the hairs on the back of your neck stood up, you instantly knew who it was. it was as though there was a chip in you that alerted you to when he was nearby. you took a deep breath as you turned your head slightly, seeing rafe sat next to a man you didn’t know as he handed a small plastic bag filled with overpriced coke to a touron. rafe’s eyes didn’t leave you as he signaled him to leave.

you could hear your heartbeat in your ears, the hand holding onto your cup now trembling and the lump in your throat building. rafe stood, starting to approach you as you froze. your brain was screaming at you to run but your body refused to move an inch.

“what the fuck do you want, cameron?” your words were spat out with venom. your tone clearly surprised you both as he looked shocked momentarily. you were typically one to stand your ground, but never ever was your attitude aimed towards him.

“what do you mean ‘what the fuck do i want’? you fucking up and left out of nowhere and haven’t spoken to me in almost a month.” his voice was filled with anger, his nose flaring as he clenched his jaw.

you let out a humorless laugh, “out of nowhere? you can’t be serious, rafe. you treated me like shit the last few months of our relationship.” you didn’t yet mention seeing his interaction with the bartender at the country club, not knowing if topper and kelce had told him about seeing you when you left that fateful day.

“what? be-because i couldn’t be with you twenty-four fucking seven? like i- i wasn’t out working my ass off to afford nice shit for you?”

“‘working your ass off’ will you stop fucking lying to me? i fucking saw you at the country club,” his facial expression showed confusion, bringing his brows together to try and understand what you were talking about, “you let that bitch touch you, you looked at her how you used to look at me. i spent hours getting ready, i showed up, wanting to surprise my boyfriend for lunch, and what do i see? my boyfriend letting some bartender hang off of him while he flirts with her?”

your voice had raised as you got more and more angry. you were now shouting at him as other partygoers failed to hide their stares and murmuring. nobody ever talked to the kook prince the way you currently were, unless they wanted their face bashed in.

rafe grabbed your arm harshly, pulling you down the beach and away from others. you stumbled behind him, knowing you weren’t physically or mentally strong enough to push him away.

when you looked up at him, you suddenly noticed his blown-out pupils. you felt your heart sink. “you’re using again.” you stated flatly.

he scoffed, rolling his eyes at you. “don’t act like you fucking care.” he spat out at you.

“jesus fucking christ- rafe, when did you start again?”

“don’t worry about it. when did you come to the country club?” his tone was demanding, sparking further irritation in you.

“the day i left. i- i let a lot of shit slide for too long, because… because i wanted to be a good girlfriend and support you when i thought you were just stressed out from work. and, in return, i get to watch my boyfriend make me look like a fucking idiot.”

rafe was silent for a minute, his lips pursed as he clearly was trying to remember what he was doing before he came home to an angry ward and an empty room. then realization hit him, he knew exactly what you were talking about. he brought his palm up to his face, groaning.

when he was about to speak, he was cut off. “is cameron bothering you?” jj’s familiar voice called out. you looked past rafe’s large figure to see all of the pogues standing beside him, looking ready for a fight if it came to it.

rafe gave a humorless chuckle, “stay the fuck out of it, pogue.” he clearly wouldn’t go down without a fight either.

your heart stopped for a moment and your body filled with ice cold terror as jj pulled out a gun that was hidden behind his back in his waistband. it was clear you weren’t the only one not expecting it as the rest of them looked at jj with concern, john b telling him to put it away. “yeah? let’s fucking go, rafe. been itching for a fight for too long.”

everything became blurred. the mixture of shouting, seeing figures suddenly moving towards each other, and the unmistakeable sound of a gunshot, and then everything went black.

[katiesyellowcardcollection]

i’ll drive, i’ll drive all night - pt4

pt1,pt2,pt3

social media

teen reader x katie mccabe

trigger warnings: suicidal idealisation, self harm references, sexual assault reference, bad mental health, do not read of your not in the correct head space!!

an: i feel like this is all kind of jumbled up and probably not written very well but i wrote it all in pretty much one sitting so sorry about that 😭 please please give any feedback/tips though as im still pretty new to writing

things were better now is what you told yourself as you stepped out of the airport taking in the streets of Dublin for the first time in 6 months, for 6 months you’d be in London with your older sister, for 6 months you’d been in weekly therapy, for 6 months you’d gotten closer and closer to becoming the girl you used to be, the carefree little girl you were before that night and you think now as you get into the taxi with Katie it was all working, the progress you’d made meant something because for the first time you felt genuinely excited, happy to be back, to see your family, you never thought you’d be excited to be back in Dublin, back where everything started but you were so happy to be back in the comforts of Dublin, back in your home that your excitement outweighed your fears for once.

-

You remember the days after your confessions to Katie, they were difficult, they were some of the darkest days of your life, being forced to talk about what happened every day, not being trusted to even go to the bathroom alone, but you’d got through them thanks to Katie and Caitlin and all their teammates you’d done it, you're sure you cried more tears in those weeks then you had in your entire life, but you had done it, you accepted help and you were getting better, you were learning how to cope with what happened in a healthy manner, of course you were still traumatised from it, you still had nightmares about that night but you were coping with everything a lot more healthier, you had stopped hurting yourself and in a couple days you’d be 3 months clean from it.

-

“You excited to see ma?”

Katie asked reaching out the rub your shoulder knowing that you would need some form of comfort despite all your progress being back in Ireland was still a big thing for you.

“yeah, I'm more excited than nervous I've missed mam and da so much and I can’t wait to see Ella and Lauryn”

you tell her honestly, smiling as you do so.

You couldn’t quite believe you weren’t more scared, of course some parts of you were nervous about being back but you’d gone over and over with your therapist about some of the feelings you may have and you knew how to cope if you did get nervous or if you had a panic attack.

“I'm so proud of you y/n, I know every back in London is as-well, you’ve done so well sweetheart, I love you so much”

Katie tells you fondly, her hand still rubbing your shoulder, before you can even respond the car pulls up to your home, for the first time since you landed you do get a bit nervous, being back here is a little bit scary, your slightly nervous of seeing your family, despite Katie reassuring you that no one is mad at you, that they were proud of you it still scared you seeing as the way in which you left previously everyone had been mad at you.

“Remember no one will be mad at you and it’s only going to be mam, da, Lauryn and Ella, that will be alright won’t it hey?”

Katie tells you holding your hand as you both walk up to the front door.

The door opens almost immediately and your met with your mams familiar scent and then your being wrapped up in her arms your ma squeezing you tightly, like she did when you were a little girl going away for the first time.

“I missed you so much baby girl”

she tells you as she pulls out of the hug, tucking your loose strands of hair behind your ear, pulling you into the house properly and closing the front door, Katie already in the living room.

“I missed you to”.

you tell her smiling as you do so.

-

You’d had such a good day, you laughed more than you think you’ve ever laughed in your entire lifetime, your smile had quite literally not left your face since you stepped foot in your family home.

You’d been playing board games with your family, arguing like little kids again, like the reason you hadn’t been home in so long hadn’t happened, like for one day everything in the past hadn’t happened and you loved it, you loved being carefree again, you loved laughing, not a fake laugh or a small laugh but a full blown belly laugh whenever Ella got caught cheating on whatever board game was being played or when Katie didn’t know the most basic facts in trivial pursuit, you were home and it felt so right, almost perfect in your opinion.

-

of course you weren’t staying in Ireland, you were only here for the day. you, Katie and your therapist deciding that you needed to take small steps into getting better and whilst that started with getting over the fear of being home, back where everything started, being back for a long period of time in a short period of time would most likely set your recovery back.

-

“Right, we’ve gotta head off y/n our flights in 2 hours.”

Katie tells you gently as your nose scrunches up in protest, and your shoulders tense up, you don’t want to leave yet, you missed your family more than anything, missed your twin sister, missed your dogs and your bedroom and the comfort of just being back home.

“Okay.”

you tell her after a moment of silence getting up off the sofa.

“I'm just gonna go to the toilet”

you let her know before walking out of the room and finding your way to the bathroom.

-

“I love you sweetheart; I'll see you soon I promise”

your mam tells you releasing you from the hug she’d had you in since you got back from the bathroom.

goodbyes were always difficult for you, even as a little girl saying goodbye to your grandparents, you’d cry even though you’d be seeing them again the next day, for you a goodbye meant you were leaving them even if it was only for a short while, you hated them.

-

you and Katie had been on the plane for just 20 minutes when your eyes started filling with tears, you told yourself you weren’t going to cry and that you’d had a really good day, you didn’t need to be upset but your tears just kept falling and breathing becoming much harder than it was 10 minutes ago. You knew pretty instantly that you were going to have a flashback, you’d gotten very good at recognising the signs and how to help yourself before they happened.

“K-Katie” you managed to stutter out before it hit you, taking you back to that night, back to the locked bathroom, making you feel and think everything you felt that night.

Your therapist had told you that flashbacks were a normal response to the type of trauma you experienced, they wouldn’t ever go away fully but there were things that you could do to help yourself when you got them and so she taught you and the people around you things that can help like talking, encouraging you to breathe and to remind you that you weren’t back there, telling you exactly where you were and what was going on you found helped you the most.

“y/n sweetheart, it’s okay it’s Katie we’re on the Plane and we’re going to land back in London soon you're not their sweetheart.”

Katie whispers to you, trying to get your attention.

“Darling your safe I promise it’s just me c'mon open your eyes for me please”

After a while of Katie whispering soft words into your ears, reminding you that you were safe and you weren’t back there, you came out of it slowly.

You didn’t speak, you just reached out to your older sister clinging on to her for comfort for the remainder of the short flight home, your sister just stroking your forehead still whispering words to you.

-

“So, how was it?”

Caitlin asks you as she takes a swig of her drink sitting down on the matts in the gym as she does so, looking up at your face searching for some kind of reaction, an indication of how you were really feeling.

she always seemed to know when you were lying or when there was something on your mind and she could always get you to open up on whatever you were feeling.

and so, you’d found yourself in this position quite often now, you talking, Caitlin listening whilst Katie would be out on the grass training seeing as you still weren’t trusted to be alone, and Caitlin was sidelined with an injury.

“I loved it I did have a lot of fun and like I missed them so much but when we came home iff had another nightmare which you already know but since being back it’s all that’s going on in my mind like just replaying the whole night again like it was when I first got here, I don’t know if I'll be able to ever live there again but it’s my home I want to be able to go home and it not bring up the memories but I don’t of that will ever happen again”

you tell her turning your head away and settling on looking outside the gym windows not wanting her to see you crying.

it was pathetic really, you were so happy to be home, you loved every second of being back, yet you came back to London and you were petrified again, that night consuming you again, trapping you right back in that bathroom and it was like you were right back to where you started, back on the door steps of your sisters house sixth month again terrified of everything.

you didn’t really understand your brain, 24 hours ago you were in Ireland happy and smiling not even thinking about that night but now you were back in London, and it was all you could think off, despite all the progress made it felt like you were back to square one.

“Hey, look at me y/n.”

Caitlin tells you reaching out to pull you into a hug.

“you made such good progress yesterday, I know it’s hard coming home but you did so well, I promise you you’ll be able to go home one day and it won’t bring up the memories, the only memories you’ll think of is playing with your siblings or laughing until your belly hurts, you won’t always associate Ireland with that night, I promise you.”

you just shake your head in response because you know that she was right, she seemed to be right about almost everything, but you still couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d never be able to be home and it not bring up the bad memories, that no matter how happy you could be to see your family and be back in Dublin it would always bring up bad memories.

“i know right now it seems impossible, like things will never go back to how they were but that is not the case, you went back yesterday and for the entire day you didn't think about it did you? Thats progress, everyone else but you can see that, you'll get there y/n”

Before your able to even think of an answer all the girls start filling into the gyn having just finished with training, signalling the end to yours and Caitlin's conversation in which you were thankful for, still unable to produce a response to Caitlin's statement.

-

Your trip to Dublin was just over 2 weeks ago now and despite all your convincing that you were fine, that the short stay hadn't had as big of an impact on you then you initially thought it would, you were far from fine, in fact you were pretty sure in these short two weeks you'd ruined all your progress, everything you, Katie, Caitlin and your therapist had worked towards in those 6 months were seemingly gone.

you weren't clean anymore.

you couldn't go a night without nightmares.

a day without flashbacks.

Katie no longer felt comfortable leaving you with just Caitlin, she was literally with you at every second of the day and yet you were still finding ways to hurt yourself, ways to Savatage your own progress, dragging yourself further and further down.

You're not sure why everything was affecting you so much because for the past 6 months you had genuinely wanted to get better, wanted to feel happy again and yet less then 24 hours in Dublin and reversed all progress, you longer wanted to get better, you didn't want all the help and fuss of Katie and Caitlin, you just wanted to be alone.

Its katies voice that pulls you out of your thoughts

“Your therapist wants to speak to you y/n i know you said you don't want to go but what if you just talk on the phone for 5 minutes?”

Your sister asks you.

You can hear the worry in her voice and you see it written all over her face, she looks like she's been crying again, she does that a lot now and you feel bad you didn't mean to upset your older sister, to ruin her life aswell as your own.

And so, for this reason and this reason only you hesitantly agree, reaching out for the phone before opening your mouth.

“Will you leave me alone whilst i speak to her?”

You think your sister goes to say no, but midway through opening her own mouth she nods.

“I'll wait on the stairs, but you promise me that you'll be safe and you won't do anything dangerous”

“Promise I wont thankyou”

-

“do you want to die”

You're not sure how to respond to that question, some days you do, you wake up and you wish you hadn't, some days you'll spend the entire day planning how you could kill yourself, how could you make everything go away, whereas other days you don't, you'll wake up happy, excited for the day, sometimes you can see the light the end of the tunnel that everyone talk about.

You're not entirely sure how to verbalise all this to your therapist and so you just settle on a simple answer that doesn't give much insight into how you're really feeling.

“I don't know, maybe.”

You hear your therapist sigh; it makes you feel bad to some extent because everyone's trying to understand what's going on in your brain but you're not giving them much.

“I think that sometimes I do want to die, I don't want to live in a world where every day i have to remember that night and be terrified of it happening again but like other days I want to live and get better, I don't know.”

With that you continue talking to your therapist, coming up with a plan on how others can help you in the upcoming weeks but also how you'll help yourself.

-

“hey”

Katie says as you leave the room your therapist still on the phone.

“Um anna wants to talk to you, can I go sit with Cait downstairs?”

you question looking up to her waiting for an answer, she pauses for a second before agreeing.

“Yeah, I think she's watching a film or something”

You nod and start walking downstairs, briefly hearing the start of hers and your therapist's conversation.

[ktchie]

'It's the hope that kills you'

Ted Lasso x Reader

Fluff and Angst

♡ other tags: attempt at humour/ no proof read we die like Rupert should've / possible part two

♡6.1k words

◇ In which Y/n wanted to confessed and Ted has a pastel pink apron.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

She consider herself as a tough independent woman who rather die and be beheaded than show any ounce of feelings or a hint of affection.

Her therapist said it's because she grew up in a household that doesn't show much emotion or any vulnerability. And they're right, she remember the time she saw her Dad shed a tear on the night of her high-school graduation, hiding behind his hands and cool dad stance before abruptly going to the bathroom and staying there for 40 minutes - he came back with red eyes and a terrible pun joke. As if nothing had happened.

So it is perfectly understandable that she grew up hating vulnerability, choosing to stay rigid and emotionless rather to have her whole soul on the palm of her hand. It doest help either that she's the eldest kid, the pillar of her siblings, the one who lays awake at night thinking any and every problems her parents throw at her way, worrying about it to the point her chest hurt and she has to learn to calm panic attack in such a young age.

So that being said, she never really had the full experience of romance or being in a relationship. She flirted with a few men on her lives and had fucked them plenty of times but she never really did the whole holding hands thing and all that cheesy stuff that people always whined about once the clock hits 10 and loneliness hits you like a freight train.

But meeting Ted, meeting Ted makes her want to dive head first on whatever corny things couples do in this day of age. Whether it be kissing on the rain or robbing a bank at 2pm in a Sunday afternoon.

She stared at him from across her, sitting so patiently like an overgrown child with a cup of steaming hot coffee.

"Something you need, Ted?" Her tone of voice held nothing but pure professionalism that made her quietly hissed.

Ted looked at her with his big brown eyes that makes her heart all googoo gaga, she sometimes wonder if Ted is secretly part of some hidden government group because she swore that puppy eyes could stop a international fued.

"Oh you know, just wanna visit ya'" he stated with a cheeryness only he can produced in the morning, all dimple and wide smiles. "'been awhile since I saw you, thought you're actually avoiding me but boss said that you're six feet under with all the work you got goin' on"

She chuckled at his words "Ted, I don't think there's anything in this world that could keep me away from you" she answered with a subtle smile, if she wanted him she would get him, whether it be by words or thousand of prayers.

Ted looked at her silently, wide eye and a blossoming blush on his cheeks. He looks ethereal underneath the early morning sun, a fallen single strand of hair dangling on his forehead that makes her hand itch with yearn to fix it.

"But I have been awfully neglectful to the rest of you, haven't I?" She decided to move on from her flirting (?), she doesnt want Ted to dropped dead on the floor from all the blood on his head. "I've been busy these past few weeks, but Will told me about the team plan get together on Sam's restaurant. I'll make sure to attend it, even shoulder the payment if we can get Sam to give us the bill"

Ted nodded his head, tounge tied for once, some part of her rejoiced while the other part, the one who always fear rejection and if she's being too much or too stupid, fear for whatever friendship they have (or had, if worse comes to worse)

"I-well" he cleared his throat, looking at her through his weirdly long eyelashes that always made her tear up in awe and envy.

"We can uh' y'know, we can split the bill, don't hav'ta shoulder it all by yourself"

"No its alright" she shook her head, she contemplate touching his arms, feel the soft fabric of his awfully comfy looking sweater and the skin underneath it but she decided not to, Ted might freak the fuck out and leave the room yelling 'HR! HR!' And have her fired and be shamed by the rest of the Richmond community for touching their beloved American wanker. "Consider it as my payment for forgetting to visit the locker room"

"Wasn't your fault, anyway" he shrugged before gesturing to the tower of folders and impending blueprints for the upcoming renovations and building upgrades. "I mean take a look at that, the great mt. Everest would cry if he saw this monstrosity. Even looking at it makes my stomach all funky" he shudder at its sight. "Do you even take a break? Jeez."

She sighed and leaned back on her office chair "from time to time, 15 minutes or 5. I like to finish my work early so.."

Ted frowned, he has one of those upset looks that makes her heart clenched and crack little by little until it exploded on her chest and she has to pretend she wasn't in pain so he could view her as a normal human being and not a lovesick teenager. "Ya should take a better care of yourself, you can't just go 'n on 'n on workin' till you drop dead" if it's possible, his doe eyes turned even more sadder. " its not good for you"

She bit her lip, her thighs moving up and down underneath her desk. She never liked it when he's anything but happy. "I can go take a rest when I go home and take a rest some more once I finish of all this work. its fine, don't worry too much about me"

"How can I not worry about you?" Ted leaned in, sad eyes and furrow brows. "Youre my-" he sighed before he shake his head "heck, If I had known you're over 'ere slowly killin' yourself i would have yank you from your desk till you're screamin' and cryin'"

Screaming and crying huh? Oh she can do that, alright.

"Ted.." she sighed, trying her hardest to ease the furrow on his brows "its fine, im fine. Don't worry about me too much. there's another game coming up, thats what you should be focusing on yeah?"

Ted sighed deeply, leaning back on the chair before nodding. A lock of hair fell down on his forehead, perfect it was, and y/n thought he never looked more beautiful then. She wonder if Ted kept his hair perfectly gel all the time or if he had ever let his guard down on the four walls he had been forcely call his home.

She would love to see him just him, just Ted, with his goofy smiles and bad puns and old reference from a bad film made years before.

She would love to love him, flaws and imperfections and bad days. She would paint him beautifully, perfect at every stroke of her brush and no smudge of mistakes and yet she knows she still wouldn't do him justice. Ted is just too perfect, too lovely, too godly to be even be depicted on a rough white canvas of this wretched world. Ted deserves to be painted in the walls of the church, or at every thread of the clouds, he was meant to be seen and to be watched and to be memorize until his kindness and his generosity and smile are engraved deep within everyone's heart. Y/n wanted to worship Ted with utmost devotion that her mouth would utter prayers like a second breath, until her two pressed hands bleed and flowers grow between her palm.

She watched him sat across her, his gaze darting everywhere on the carpet before a smile slowly broke on his lips, eyes suddenly lighting up and whole body perking up.

"Hey" he looked up to her, grin and joyful gaze "guess what I cooked last night" he had said giddily

"if you get it right I might just have to take a peek on that ridiculous sitcom you've always buggin' me to watch"

She scoffed, offended. "Modern family is not ridiculous, it's the best thing that ever happened to television-"

"Now hol' up. You're gettin' ahead of yourself now, sugar" she pretended the pet name didnt make her stomach flip and twist and did all kinds of wwe wrestling stunt. 

"I'll have you know that you're wrong, there are tons of- you know what, I ain't even gonna argue with you because we're both too tired for this and I'm too excited to tell you what I cooked last night, so just guess, come on"

She squinted her eyes before sighing as she started to think. "Well, last time we spoke you wouldn't shut up about barbecue and kebab and that one burger that sounds like it could kill you from one sniff"

"Triple cheese burger with bacon crisp, 3 sunny side eggs and curly fries dipped in ranch and garlic sauce with side on-"

"Sounds awful. Americans and their ridiculous food, seriously how are you not dead yet?"

Ted had shrugged with a sickeningly sweet smile "have no idea, but its good 'n ya know what they say 'enjoy life while it lasted'"

"Curse that qoute for manipulating you, let's just pray you wouldn't drop dead in the middle of the court because we can't handle your decaying body and another lose at the same time"

"You betcha! Now guess what I cooked!" Ted was almost jumping from his seat, propping his head on his palm as he stared at her.

"Come on, now"

"Curry"

"No"

"Friend chicken?"

"Nope, but boy I would love to have that right now"

"Salad?"

"Heck no! You kiddin' me?"

"Uhhh, curry?"

"You already said that!" Ted pouted lightly and she almost reach out to trace the bottom of his lips and mumbled how sweet he look right now but thankfully she stopped herself.

"Allright I give up" she threw her hand up and sigh "anything you cooked is fantastic anyway, doesn't matter what it is"

"Oh, arent you a sweetheart" he smiled at her so adorably it made her tooth ache. "I'm glad you think so because I just cooked f/f!" Ted yelled so excitedly, arms spread wide and eyes bright.

She looked at him with agape mouth

"F/f? Are you serious?" She grinned so widely, it has been awhile since she tasted it, mainly because the only f/f she had ever ate is the one her mother cooks.

"Course! I wouldn't lie to ya!" Ted had stated "I couldn't get some shut eyes last night so I decided to make it, better to do something than nothin' at all am I right?"

She's still looking at him, as if in trance. "Wow Ted..I mean im pretty fucking pump but-well, why did you make it? You could have baked, you usually bake when you have nothing to do"

Ted looked away from her, cheeks suddenly getting warm and pink under the sunlight. "Oh you know..just miss ya' I guess"

Her heart crumbled and melted inside of her chest, she could feel its warmth drip from every nerve she has and settle deep within her guts and lay there until she has to curl her toes in a pathethic attempt to calm herself down.

He took a peek at her under his lashes. "I was so used seeing you every darn morning 'ere so it makes me all sad and upset when I don't. Even coach beard had to knock some sense in to me, told me to keep my marbles together or else he'll hide my barbecue sauce" he lightly chuckled "pretty heavy threat, if you ask me"

"I didnt know you miss me so much"

"Are you kiddin' me? I miss ya a hell'ava lot more than 'much'" Ted had almost yelled "i miss ya more than Roy misses running! And thats alot"

She laugh quietly, both in amusement and the tickling feeling deep on her stomach that normal people (with normal amount of love on their heart) would refer as butterflies, but for her, for someone who love too deep and too vast and too much and for a girl like her that grew up reading stories and fairy tales and movies characters with soft confession under bright stars and harsh rains, she could refer the feeling on her stomach as a clawing beast, a magnificent one born on legends and shaky words of the fear locals, with a ferocious growl and wild eyes and fangs as big as a tallest house.

In short, everytime Ted does something so adorably lovely on her eyes she could feel the entire animals on her stomach.

She looked at him with a gentle smile, eyes bright and so so soft - looking at him a like proper lover would. "I miss you too, Ted" she had said almost like a whisper, like a sin. "More than you could ever know"

The statement sounded too intimate, the tone too romantic to be said between casual friends and even the silence after it could be written in a pages of old romance stories - describe it like moment after the music, where the two of them stares at one another with that yearning look that makes all the reader sick to their stomach.

Her words sounds like a confession, one that is so gentle even the gods up above would melt where they stood. She didn't utter the proper words of 'i love you' and didn't open her palm where her bleeding heart lay and offer it to him with a desperation - but the way she said her words, the way every letter soud so much like a sudden whisper in a night of passion and sudden realization of devotion and adoration makes her statement more than a confession - as if it was an oath, a promise set on stone. Like a knights word as he kneeled on his king and offered the edge of his swords, bare against the world, bright steel and fierce glare as his lips mouth his promise, the words he would live and die on, where war would start and where it would end - be it by his blood or his foes. And similar to that y/n is ready to be let down on where she sat, to spill her heart like a leaking wound and let it stains them both, let him know how she feels, how serious, how much time she had spent pinning after him, yearning, adoring him so silently like a lovesick suitor from afar.

Ted grinned at her, dimple deep on his cheeks and that damn fallen hair on his forehead that makes him so so lovely. He opened his mouth and y/n waited with bathed breath and wonder what words would come out but before he could even roll his tounge the door of her office opened with a harsh loud push.

"Y/n we have to- oh. oh Ted! Good morning!" Higgings strolled in clumsily and no matter how much she love the little dork she kinda want to crush his glasses on her palm and send him home.

"Higgins! Nice to see ya today, buddy" Ted stood up to greet him and to give him a pleasant hug and if the coach is annoyed at anyway, he didn't show it. God he's so kind its annoying..

"You too, Ted. You too" Higgins replied with a smile that reserved only for Ted, filled with gratitude and adoration before he turned to her and she watch, with great amusement and a little irritation, when that smile fell down on his lips. "And uh, we need to talk"

She sighed mournfully, waving a goodbye to the wonderful conversation she was having with her love and to the words he would say earlier. She gestured Higgings to sit across her before she met Ted's eyes.

"Im afraid we'll have to cut our cheesy conversation here, Ted. Duty calls and if you want someone to blame, blame Higgings" she pointed at the man with a teasing smirk that had Higgins poor heart rapidly beating with nervousness.

"What? But I'm merely doing my job-"

"Im fucking with you" she patted his shoulder with a light laugh before glancing at Ted, who still remained at her office with a smile.

"I'll gave you a call later" Ted had said "let's have a dinner, ill cook for ya'"

She bit her lip to keep the ridiculous love sick smile threatening to rip her mouth apart and nodded "ill look forward to it, have a good day"

"You too, sugar"

And he was gone and if Higgins wasn't infront of her, staring at her with that bewildered look only spooked squirrel could do she would have stood up and do a cartwheel on her carpeted floor because holy fucking shit Ted is going to cook for her, just for her, not like those times where they eat together on the locker room and she has to sneakily steal his lunch - tho she knows Ted wouldn't mind Beard is another problem, she still thinks Beard has a few dead bodies on his back, the man has a stare of a despondent convicted murderer inside a prison cell. Its crazy.

"Oh." Higgings blink rapidly, his mouth subtly and slowly forming a smile. "You and Ted?"

She squinted her eyes "We're friends"

"Not with that look in your eyes, no"

"What did you eat today to have you acting this cheeky, my dear Higgins?" She looked at him up and down with a scowl.

The man let out a grin

"I should be the one asking that" he then leaned in "or should it be 'who did you meet today that have you acting this lovesick, my dear y/n?"

She flush red "You're fired"

"That'd be the 205 times you've fire me and I will continue to ignore it as long as I live"

"The first time i did that you sobbed on my shoulder"

"Well its.." he looked away "it was a different time"

"Sure it was"

____________________________________

"Look what we have 'ere-"

"JESUS, ROY!" She had jumped 2 feet from where she stood, clutching her heart and her car keys.

"What the hell man!"

"What? You got yourself an American man and suddenly you're weak of heart?"

"That doesn't even make any sense.." she mumbled with a disturbed look as she stared at him. "What are you even doing here? and I dont have an American man, get your head straight"

"Its a fucking parking lot, im allowed to be here" He commented with a glared as he not so softly leaned on her car.

She sighed through her nose, annoyed. "What i meant was, why the fuck are you even standing about in here and suddenly appearing from the darkness like a...hairy angry batman"

"Im not fucking hairy!"

"you shed like a golden retriever, you're not fooling anybody!"

Roy, the dog, growled in annoyance before he blocked her way to the driver seat.

"Please move or ill yell bloody murder" she stated suddenly so so exhausted.

"Why actin' so rush? Got somewhere to be?" She squinted his eyes at him, suspicious and contemplating why is he being such a dick.

"Why are you talking to me like you're about to take my lunch money?"

Roy, with the little patience he has, growled once again before he shook his head, as if he was the one getting annoyed and tired on the conversation. Then he stared at her, right on the eye, as if wanting to burn her soul and cook her alive.

"Youre really not going to tell me?" He had asked, hands on his hips.

"Is that how it is?"

"What?" She ask, confused.

"You and Ted" Her eyes widen, what is he on about?

"Me and Ted? What about us?"

"Higgin-" he cleared his throat "I mean, someone told me you and the little prick was getting all chummy in your office. Even got yourself a fucking date, how lovely"

She sighed "there wasn't a date Roy, Ted and I are friends. And we aren't getting 'chummy' or whatever kind of meaning that word has in your vocabulary and tell Higgins-"

"It wasn't higgings"

"-tell him to keep his damn nose out of my business or ill key his car"

Roy stared at her for a long second before he clenched his jaw and mumbled a 'fuckkkkk'

"We're-" he swallowed before he looked upwards to the sky, as if begging the gods above to give him more strength. "We're-..f-friends, arent we?" Her eyes soften in both adoration and amusement as he grimaced with every letter he spoke.

She chuckled "we are, no matter how much you disdain that word"

"Then," Roy had sighed "believe me when I say that that cowboy Mr. Rogers is fucking inlove with you"

Suddenly the air felt too thick and her clothes felt too hot. "Roy, i think you're wrong. Ted wanst-"

"Don't you fucking dare tell me he wasn't because a blind bloke could see it in a mile away, he wouldn't fucking shut up about you. fuck sake, He even draws you!" He yelled dramatically, hands shooting in a air in a form of exaggerated irritation that only Roy Kent could do. "Those past few days where you lock yourself up in your bloody office has been the worst days of my entire life, Ted looks constipated half of the fucking time and all he does is broods and broods and fucking complains about you. He's insufferable! Beard has to talk to him in the bathroom to get him straight!" He massage his temple before sighing and looking at her so gently then, so softly, like a brother would, like a friend would do, like someone you can hold onto when life gets though and days gets bad.

"Believe me, he's inlove with you.." he softly said like a whisper.

"In every possible way a human could love, he's inlove with you"

Her breath hitched from her throat, tounge heavy on her mouth and her heart beat could be hear from miles away. The beast inside of her guts fell silent, almost asleep, like his words strike straight to his heart and send him down on the ground, wounded and shaken and could never get back up.

"I came here to.." Roy cut short, finding the proper words. "To tell you how happy I am that he finally work the balls to ask you out, but turns out he's still a fuckin' pussy and a mess of a man"

She chuckled and shook her head.

"Ted is.." She lick her lips and leaned on her car, Roy beside her and shoulder apart.

"I don't think Ted would do the first move, he's..afraid, I think. All his life Michelle was the only woman he knew, only woman he loved and if what you're saying is not true, then she's the only woman he would forever love" she said almost mournfully. "Divorced is hard, specially for someone like Ted who loves too much and give too much, maybe that's the reason why I'm hopeless inlove with him to the point of humiliation but who fucking  cares, right?" She shrugged.

She then swallowed before sighing a shaky breath. "I'll uh, ill confessed tonight. While we eat dinner, ill..ill try, and if- y'know, he doesnt like it then I'll back off" she bit her lip as her gaze burn holes to the pavement.

"I'll love him from afar, cheer for him from the stands and sob on my office if I saw him and sassy together again"

Roy chuckled "i remembered that one" reminiscing her worst times of sobbing half dead on her office table mumbling how cruel it is to love Ted and asking what Sassy has that she does not.

"Maybe ill hire a hit man too, have them kill you so you could forget about it" she bumped his shoulder with her own and lightly laugh when Roy grunts.

"I'll write it with my fucking blood, believe that"

"Write it with your chest hair and ill believe it"

"You fucking cunt-"

____________________________________

"Sorry 'bout the mess.." Ted gestured to the perfectly clean living room with a sheepish look. "didn't have time to clean up. I'm just too excited to cook for ya I forgot about everything else"

"That so? Well I'm excited to taste it, I'm sure it'll be wonderful" she smiled at him as she put the bottle of wine down on the marble kitchen bar.

"Oh it'll blow your socks off, its nothin' like the food at Sam's restaurant but its darn good if I say so myself" She watched silently as Ted, adorable adorable Ted, wore his pastel pink apron, tied it around his waist and fluff it with a lovely smile that almost had her clutching her precious weak heart.

"Im sure it'll be delicious" she say, referring more to the cook rather than food. "I like anything you do anyway, so"

Ted glance at her and smile, all dimple and bright eyes. It made her smile too, softly, subtly, like one of those yearning smile that hides thousands of words and promises and hopes and desperation.

Ted went back to his cooking, whistling a tune she swore she heard before. He was telling a story, one about a fish and a basketball and a prom that gone wrong but for the life of her she could not listen.

She thought about her conversation with Roy, the words he had utter that made her want to pour her heart out and confessed to her love. She dont want to be hopeful, being hopeful is nothing but a wish on the wind in this place. It is the poison that rots your mind, that decays the flower and the trees and the grass, break the ground you stood up upon - watch it crumble and crumble until your legs become weak and your bones break from your flesh and you fell ill and sick and cough blood until you die and wish that you should have done better, that you should have stayed quiet and at peace and settle from staring from afar instead of watching your own skin slowly peel away as you continue to hope and hope and hope and watch as the filthy earth swallow you whole and- Jesus christ she should really stop reading those sad terrifying books Nate had been recommending her alot, its ruining her head in the worst ways.

"Ya feel alright?" Ted's voice woke her from her thoughts.

She looked at him furrowed brows and concerned eyes. "Im good, it's nothing"

"We could just watch a movie, you know? Order some good ol' pizza and have a laugh on some bad movies and oh! You know what? we could just watch your favourite-"

"I rather just taste your food, Ted. If you don't mind"

"But you look tired" and there it is again, the puppy look, the vain of her existence. God he's so terrible she kinda want to kiss his face and pinch his cheeks.

She chuckled "arent you sweet"

"Oh gosh! I didnt- darn, I didnt mean it that way, sugar!" He was panicking, going all over the kitchen with his cute apron on and little sauce smudge on his cheeks.

"You l-look tired but y'know still pretty, and cute and-and you know? Please darlin' I didnt mean to offend you i just want to-"

"Hey, hey, hey.." she called out to him with a barely contained humour smile "I get it, I was fucking with you. I'm just joking, calm down"

He slumped dramatically on the counter with a sigh "oh goodness, you had me there. Thought I was gonna loose ya'"

They had talked a little bit, or maybe too much, she couldn't exactly remember how long it was or what it was about but she had know they had laugh and jest and share a few stories of their childhood and back when they're still a foolish teenager who didn't know what they want and where they belong - she  still don't know now if she was being honest, she wasn't really the kind of person that plans ahead of time, or give a genuine thought on what she wanted to do in the future and how she will get there but Ted is, Ted knows, Ted understand what he wants and how he will get there and what he see himself on the future and in which place and who he was with, it made her fall a little more inlove with him.

"How was it?" He had asked as he leaned in, nervous and fidgeting.

"Oh gosh please say somethin' I'm about to blow a nerve over 'ere"

She laugh "it was good!" And it is, the best curry she probably had.

"Its perfect, Ted. Even the spiciness is perfect"

He blew out an air "oh thank god, I was so worried ya wouldn't like it! And to be completely honest with ya' I thought I switched up the salt and sugar halfway"

She laugh again, it wasn't even funny, she's just inlove and a complete fool.

Ted started to talk about his day, down to what he had ate for breakfast and how terrible his coffee was 'it tasted like cow piss' his words. He then talked about his theory that Nate is secretly a goverment spy forced to work with him for a very dangerous top secret world breaking undercover mission - when she asked why he think that - 'because nate is a genius and there ain't no way he was a water boy before I came here and coach beard told me he saw nate yesterday slap a fly in a speed of light and didn't even flinch'

It was ridiculous theory but she then remember the amount of gory psychological thriller books Nate has been recommending her for the past few days and a good amount of them involves a spy or two. She wasn't convinced but she'll keep an eye out just incase.

"-it wasn't that much of a big deal"

"You set your school on fire!" Ted had exclaimed rather dramatically, on her opinion, as she told him her high-school tales.

"Thats like- Thats arson!"

"Its not arson if they don't know someone set it on fire" she tap her forehead lightly as if gesturing Ted to see how smart she is. And Ted, bless his heart, actually nodded.

"Youre right, thats smart. Look at ya' getting away with crimes in such a young age!" He grins so beautiful she was actually proud of what her foolish younger self did back then.

"You sounds awfully proud of me bring a criminal"

"Well its kinda awesome and speaking of awesome!--" his eyes was bright and there's a little smudge of sauce near his lips, he looks adorable and loveable and she just suddenly want to kiss him stupid and tell him how much she loves him-

"--Sassy and I are going on date this weekend!"

A glass shattered on the background.

She wasn't adventurous or a sucker for pain and near death experince but if someone had ask her what it would feel like when an arm go through her chest and crush her heart in one fist, she would describe what she's feeling right now in exact gruesome detail that even Nate would vomit on the corner.

She couldn't stop her smile for falling from her lips or the soft disbelief of 'oh' that escape from her tounge, its amazing how a simple two letter words sounded so broken out of the millions she had uttered before.

"Thats great, Ted" she thank every God there is that her voice didn't came out robotic "im happy, you deserve someone who can take care of you"

Ted nodded his head with a grin that is far too wide for his cheeks and then he stared talking, he was saying something but she couldn't hear it, didn't bothered to hear it, she was too busy wondering if the feeling of absence on her chest had been there long before or had just recently appeared now.

"-aint it funny?"

"Yeah" was her response even if she didn't hear any word of it, she avoid his gaze as she wiped her mouth with a tissue and cleared her throat - there's a vile stuck on it that she couldn't seems to swallow.

"Ted, I-uh, I think I'm gonna go home. I'm not feeling very well" she was a liar and a coward but she rather die than cry infront of him -  and suddenly she was young again, alone in her room, toes cold from the floor board and clenching her hands into a tight fist and wondering what is it about her that is unlovable.

"Oh, uh, okay" Ted stood up from the table "are you feelin' dizzy? Does your tummy feels funny? Do you wan-"

"I don't" she said firmly, she was upset, mad, not to him but to herself, for even hoping that she could have this. "I don't need anything, thank you" she lied and swallowed the humiliation of even wanting to say everything she wanted to say to him. All those words she wanted to confessed makes her sick to her stomach because how fucking dare she believe she even has a chance? How foolish to even assume she could have Ted?

"Nothing like a good rest would fix" she had stated, hoping to ease his mind but her chuckle came out weak and sad.

"Okay uh, ill walk you to your apartment - I mean, flat, christ-"

"Its okay" she grab her bag "I can walk by myself"

"I don't think its safe-"

"I can handle myself"

"Still, you look a little pale and I can't have a gal like yo-"

"Fucking hell Ted!" She had yelled and the guilt settled on her stomach as soon as she did so.

Ted look at her like she wasn't her, like another person came on his flat with a face of a friend he adores and she wanted to laugh because how could she want to love him and care for him when she could barely be half of a kind person that he was?

"Just- fuck, I got it. I can handle myself just dont-" she sighed through her nose and looked down, she could feel the tears on her eyes and but none of them fell down.

"Just let me be, yeah? I'm not a fucking toddler you need to be coddle all the time"

There's a pause before Ted nods "Okay" his eyes were sad, sadder than anything she had ever saw and it would've break her heart if it weren't shattered before.

She looked at him silently, a second. She almost wanted to say it, say the words, just lay it all on the table and let Ted feast on the remnants of her broken heart and whatever is left. He'll take good care of it, she knows. That's a kind of man he is. Maybe even fix it together with some melted gold.

"Im sorry" Ted was the one who apologized even if she should be the first, it made her guts coil. "I didnt mean to upset you, I was just-just worried. I'm sorry"

She looked down and clenched her fist, dig her nails on her palm.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I was being a dick and I have no excuse-"

"Youre tired and you're not feeling well, 's okay"

"Its not, Ted" she shook her head "I shouldn't have talk to you like that, you're my-" she swallowed "youre my friend, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry"

Ted smile, sad and worried all at once. "Its okay, I forgive ya'"

He shouldn't be, atleast not this easily.

"Okay" she nod her head once before she turn to the door with trembling hands.

Ted appeared next to her and held the door open for her. "Be safe, sweetheart"

'Don't' she wanted to whisper but felt too tired to do so.

"Call me when you get home"

"Will do"

The ground was wet as she walked and the road felt much sadder than before, the cold night air beg her for warmth and instead of the heat of her flat her mind travel to the warmth of his hands, of his touch. Y/n briefly wonder how she came to be like this, how she love so fiercely like a beaten dog and dig claw marks on everything she ever love just to watch it be yank away from her as easily as her tears could fall.

[snail-squasher]

Stars-Aligning

'boys suck, and girls I've never tried' - chappell roan

word ct. - 1113

warnings - a small panic attack(?), mostly fluff, fem!reader is implied but anyone can read :)

You've never been one to have crushes. Sleepover gossip times would always make you pick at your skin for 5 minutes trying to remember all the boys in your grade so you can blurt a name out when asked who you like. But when you got into college something changed. Something that goes by the name of Kiyoko Shimizu. You first heard about her when in a group project with Yachi, she had suggested that Kiyoko tag along to the cafe meet up that you guys had planned - a simple 3rd person to keep conversation flowing so there’s no random awkward silence. 

Wrong; you were incredibly wrong. In the entire 2 hours you guys were there, you got 2 things done: writing your name and finding out Kiyoko was the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen and that the way her lips move when she talks is mesmerizing; maybe that’s why everything she said you completely agreed with - is this what your friends talk about at sleepovers? Is this what movie scenes are made from? Is this normal? 

Obviously you know what being gay meant, you’ve seen gay couples in movies and even around campus, so why was this the worst whiplash you’ve ever experienced? And why are you getting so nervous and sweating when she asks for your number? Why do you only let out a shaky - mousy - ‘yeah’ 

The only information you absorbed is that the prettiest girl you've ever seen is in your contacts and that she likes peaches and ice cream. There’s only one reasonable response to this information - type out 4 draft messages asking her to the local ice cream parlor. Who would know better how to ask her out on a completely platonic and friendly ice cream date? Yachi. 

You’ve never felt more awkward in your entire life; you could smell the tension before the conversion even started. “Well… I say just ask in the friendliest way possible… this one right there,” she points to the 2nd message, “seems like you're rambling a lot, and the one below that sounds like you're demanding she go.” Yachi explains - a little concerned by how concentrated you are after explaining how this is a ‘totally friendly and chill meet up because she seems cool’ for about 10 minutes. “Okay…so like… the last one? Or are the emojis too much?” “The last one is perfect, she actually texts with a lot of emojis too.” “Okay perfect…” both of you sit in silence for 20 seconds before you blurt “can you please send the message for me.” 

It was set, you're very casual friend hangout, was the next day at 2pm. Although the state of your room said that you were evacuating by 2pm tomorrow; clothes thrown from your closet had basically made it out of your room, forgotten t-shirts now seeing the light of day, even pants that you’ve been meaning to return to a friend had found its way onto the outfit roster. But after what felt like the zombie apocalypse, you put together an outfit that had one inspiration - Kiyoko Shimizu. 

It was just to seem cool right? To hope that she'll want to be good friends right? And maybe kiss? Do good friends do that? 

This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea. This was the worst idea you’ve ever had. Gripping the steering wheel so hard you make a mental reminder to call a mechanic and breathing so hard you reach for a non-existent inhaler. You’ve never had a worse timed star- aligning ever. You can see her in the window, occasionally glancing out the window waiting for any sign of you, but you’re too busy having second doubts because your gay awakening is waiting for a obviously, for sure, ‘no wonder Yachi was awkward’ date. You try to quickly regain yourself after seeing Kiyoko start to look down at her watch every 6 seconds. Checking your face in the mirror and fixing your hair in the shop’s window reflection, you finally open the doors and come face-to-face with the most attractive cause for your midlife crisis. You're not even 25.

“Hey, sorry I’m a little late, I was picking up my room a little and lost track of time,” well that's not a complete lie, you had folded about 4 shirts and then rethought your entire outfit and started from scratch. And then she did the smile, the little lift up that makes her beauty mark move 3 cm from its resting place, “It’s really no problem, just glad I wasn’t stood up.” Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. Being stood up means a date. This is for sure a date. You're glad you didn’t over analyze but also panicking because you just processed what a lesbian is in the car you’ve had since 17.

“Yeah, sorry again, I didn’t mean to leave someone like you waiting,” are you actually stupid. ‘Someone like you?’ You’ve been homosexual for 5 minutes and already messed up. “Hope that’s a good thing,” she says sarcastically before walking up to order. “I’ll get the peach please, and what would you want?” She looks at you. She focuses on you. “I’ll just get the same thing” a smile. She smiles at you. “Sounds good, do you want to find a table while I pay?” “Oh you don’t have to pay f-” “No no, it’s okay.” You're starting to understand why your friends freak out when a guy offers to pay. 

“Okay- so- wait. He asked you to marry him after only seeing you?” you ask holding back a laugh, “Yes! I still give him a hard time for it too,” Kiyo - she insisted you call her that - was laughing telling you about her time in high school, while checking her watch, “Oh! It’s already late! Sorry for non-stop talking, I feel like that’s all I did.” You quickly try to recover as you both stand up and throw your trash away, “oh no it’s okay, I loved hearing about you.” After making it through the front doors, she turns to you and smiles before leaning in and giving a small kiss, “Well maybe you can tell me about you next time.” “Yeah! Of course,” you reply too quickly for you not to cringe when thinking about it later. She does the smile again, the same smile, “Make sure you text me when you get home… I’ll see you soon.” “Yeah of course, have a goodnight…” You watch as she walks away to her car before slowly sitting getting into your own. You're surprised the shop owners didn’t come running out after the excited scream you let out.

I hope you guys like it!!! the divider(s) is from @cafekitsune

STREAM CHAPPELL ROAN!!!!

[miss-celestia13]

Mastermind

Jake x MC Silly Fluffy One Shot

Words: 4.3k

Inspired by old memes! I've added one to the end.

Jake has planned their trip to IKEA down to the last second. He forgot to account for MC and her ability to turn a simple shopping trip into a day-long adventure. He's a mastermind, but he might have met his match.

Thank you so much to the lovely @julesisreading for all her help and insights with IKEA and the things that could happen to Jake there 🤭 I have only been once or twice myself and needed some help with it. Anything that is wrong, call it artistic liberty and I have no budget to stick to when writing, so I can do what I want🤣❤️

Jake

He was armed to the teeth. Nothing could surprise him or knock him off track. The map was crystal in his mind, and he was confident every challenge, problem, and panic attack had been accounted for and neutralized before they could infringe upon his ability to complete this mission. It was one he took seriously and would accept nothing but success. They’d eaten a decent breakfast, and he packed bottles of water and snacks in case she got hungry. All avenues had been considered. He knew every entrance and exit and mapped out multiple escape routes for every turn and pitfall they might fall into. He was ready. He was prepared. Or so he thought. He’d forgotten to account for the human elements, and a sinking sensation in his stomach already warned him all might not be well.

Jake eyed the mammoth building with a gimlet eye and smothered his groan as they approached the entrance. They were about to face the most arduous struggle many couples grapple with… a trip to IKEA. The challenge? Walk in, get what they need, and walk back out without breaking up. He was confident he could hold his own and not give in to the pressures being faced with so many options could place on a person. A strange notion swept over him as the automatic doors parted to allow them inside. Should he be laying a trail of breadcrumbs to ensure they found their way out? He was almost intimidated by the size of the place and doubted his own ability to remember everything he’d planned. The woman beside him insisted on pushing the cart so he could grab things she pointed at, and there was a distinct frenetic energy around her small form that made her bounce as she walked.

The list he created the night before was on his phone, and he knew exactly where everything was to the last inch. Reassured by the website that all was in stock, he warned her on the way there that they would not be distracted by anything shiny and they would avoid the food hall. He couldn’t remember if she actually agreed to his terms or if she made him forget them by using her feminine ways to distract him. If she had, he knew he enjoyed every moment of it and wouldn’t hold it against her. She laughed at his intense research, but he was determined to make it out alive and mostly intact. He felt more like he was gearing up for a fight than furniture shopping, and her delighted squeal as they approached the pile of reusable blue and yellow bags only solidified that feeling. She was grabbing one after another and smiling as she turned to him.

“Do you think four will suffice?”

He opened his mouth to affirm, but she shook her head and muttered, “No, better get a few more just in case. I think… yep! Seven will do!”

“We don’t need that much...” He said as she bounced back to his side and tossed the bags in the cart.

“We might see something we didn’t know we needed, Jake!” She laughed, eyes alight with mischief as they ambled into the market hall.

A subtle but noticeable scent hung in the air: sawdust, maybe something with cinnamon, and a bunch of other things he didn’t have a name for hit him as they walked in, and it was pleasant, but he did not trust it. He knew it was only there to lure one in, get them lost, and keep them trapped inside this horror store forever. His credit card burned a hole in his pocket as she approached a row of finger-smeared computers and began pointlessly searching for all they needed. He stifled a chuckle as the first two she tried would not work, and she growled at the screen, huffed, and glared at him when his worked on the first try. His touch screen was faulty, though, and when it failed to show him where he could find the coffee table she so desperately wanted, he sighed through his nose and prayed this wasn’t a sign of things to come.

“Come on, Hackerman, we’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way!” She chirped, guiding the cart away and over to a display of kitchen utensils.

“I have everything we need marked down. We just have to go there, and...we don’t need a lemon juicer.” He arched a brow as she demonstrated how to use it and winked at him.

“You never know! It’s only -”

“Yeah, it’s only $2.49. That’s how they get you.” He said, and she scoffed but put it down after remembering she didn’t like lemons.

There were too many shiny, cheap, and silly things to grab her attention. Like a magpie, anything that glittered under the fluorescent lights caught her eye. She flitted from shelf to shelf like some demented fairy while he watched on and felt his hope of getting out before dark dwindle and drain away to nothing. They successfully found both the nightstands and dresser, but as he failed to find the shelves she specified, his frown deepened, and he pulled out his phone to double-check the website. It said they had it, but he stood before the empty space where his shelves should be and wanted to beat his head off a wall. Rechecking the site, he didn’t notice her approaching and jumped a foot in the air as her bright voice cut through the angry murmurs in his head.

“We can just choose another set. It’s fine. The ones down there look alright.”

“If it isn’t in stock, the website shouldn’t say it is! It should be here, where it’s stupid tag is. Or what’s the point in it?” He grumbled, glaring at the empty space one last time before following her as she skipped to another set that fit their budget.

She grinned as she pointed at it and posed like a hostess on an old game show.

“See, it’ll do. Crisis averted. I bet if you checked the website it would be out of stock! Help me get it in the cart!” She demanded with a cheeky grin. He couldn’t help but return it as he did as she asked.

The other shoppers reminded him of those old zombie movies. Glazed eyes and faces frozen in thinly veiled discontent as they blindly tossed mass-produced artwork and lampshades into their carts. Somehow, the millionth print of a black squiggle was something many felt completed the décor of their homes. He didn’t understand it and was glad when his overexcited partner completely bypassed that section to drag him to another display, making him want to dig in his heels to avoid it. His eyes could barely keep track she moved so fast, just a blur of hair and freckles jumping from aisle to aisle. Bedding, shower curtains, and decorative pillows somehow made it into their cart, and he could sense his finely tuned plans falling apart like wet paper under his hands. This was his Great War. He’d brought a knife to a gunfight and lost the battle before they’d arrived.

He kept his mouth shut until she let out a thrilled noise and made a beeline for the mirrors.

“The stuff we need is over there. It says there's only one in stock. We need to hurry.” He tried as she waved a hand at him and examined the many mirrors.

He could see himself glowering as she paced along the aisle, a finger tapping her chin. And practically heard the cogs turning in her head as she pondered how to convince him they needed another mirror to give the illusion of space.

“I think another won’t go amiss, that one!” She clapped her hands and gestured toward one that would require another cart.

“We can order it online once we know we have space for it.” He smiled, and hoped it looked genuine.

“Have you seen the delivery charge?! It’s more than the mirror. I’ll grab another cart while you get the things on your list. I know you can find me anyway.” She teased, making him bark a shocked laugh, but he couldn’t deny it.

“Fine, but we’ll meet back here in an hour, deal?” He held out his pinky as she sidled closer and looked up at him through a fan of dark lashes.

She hooked her pinky around his and shook, “Deal. Now, off you go! Let me have my fun.” She sang and left him blinking after her. Gods, he loved her.

He knew it was futile, but he clung to his plan and moved away to track down what they needed. The store wifi kept dipping out as he walked deeper into the maze of shelves and displays, getting turned around and making the same journey twice to find his way out. It didn’t feel like a win whenever he found something they needed. It felt like a payment that cost him blood and tears. His nerves were frayed, and his skin felt too tight as he tried and failed to double-check their stock. Again, it said everything was available, but as he came across yet another empty shelf, he wanted to throw his phone away in frustration. He had half a mind to update the stock counts online himself after this shit show, and he just might make that his new mission if he couldn’t get what they needed.

“There are three in stock. Where? Why... where the hell are they?” He was whispering as he crouched to check underneath, and seeing nothing, he straightened and looked around for an employee.

It took a few more minutes before he tracked down a worker bearing the store’s famous coloring and swallowed his anxiety to question him.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, your website says these are in stock, but there are none. Do you have any?”

The man sighed heavily, glanced at Jake’s phone, and shook his head, “I don’t think so. If none are on the shelves, you’ll have to try online or at another store.”

Jake bit down on his disgruntled groan and asked the question he knew all retail workers despised, but he had to be sure. He couldn’t give up yet.

“Could you maybe check in the back? I hate to ask, but my girlfriend-”

The man’s face morphed into an expression of supreme understanding, “Ahh, sure, man. I’ll do it. Wait here.”

Jake clung to his fading hopes as the minutes ticked away and other shoppers moved around his still form. It couldn’t have been longer than five minutes, but it felt like an eternity to Jake before the employee strode for him empty-handed.

“Sorry, man. We haven’t got any in. We’ll get more soon and can email you once it’s here?” He offered, but Jake shook his head.

“No, we’ll pick something else. Thank you, though.”

That sinking sensation spiraled lower in his gut as he eyed the available units and chose the one most similar to what she wanted. Soon, the hour was up, and he returned to the agreed meeting spot. She wasn’t there. Of course, she wasn’t. His phone signal was better there, and the wifi worked, so he pulled up his tracker and waited for it to find her. She was on the opposite side of the gigantic building and was moving farther away as he cursed and hurried to chase her down. Half-dazed shoppers jumped out of his way as he vaulted down aisles, and the cart almost went sideways as he took every corner at a run. The rattling of the boxes and items against their metal chariot drowned out the beat of his heart as he rounded another corner and saw her. Her arms were full of assorted office supplies and décor, which she dumped in her overflowing cart that also contained a multitude of items they didn’t have on his list.

She spied him and grinned, waving him over, and he approached with an almost nervous air as she explained her thoughts.

“You have an office to fill, and I think these will work perfectly. I also saw some little work lamps, but I thought you’d like to choose that. Ooh! We should have lunch! Meatballs! I’m starving, and we haven’t eaten since this morning.”

He didn’t know where to start with that, and he knew no matter what he said, it wouldn’t sink in while she was surrounded by the sights and smells of everything she wanted.

“I have some snacks with me; we can eat those and just get everything done so we can leave.”

“But... meatballs, Jake! And cake, I can’t pronounce the cake’s name, but you have to try it! Do you want a tiny lamp? Or an even tinier fake cactus? They’re quite cute.”

“We can make meatballs at home...”

Her hands were on her hips as she pinned him with an unimpressed stare, “It’s. Not. The. Same.”

Sighing, his lips twitched with the urge to laugh at her adorable face, but he tamped it down as he replied, “We’re already behind schedule, and you wanted to get some of this built before everyone comes over tomorrow.”

She didn't respond but nodded as she turned and walked over to her cart. He was not distracted by the many pens, notepads, and stationery holders. No, he wasn’t. And he certainly didn’t toss a few packs in with his half of their shopping when she wasn’t looking. He wasn’t as sly as he thought, and her arched brow when she saw him covering the pens with a pillow told him she missed nothing when it came to him. As the checkout came into view, his chest loosened, and victory hovered at the edges of his mind as they were quickly rung up and charged a small fortune. He felt safe to internally celebrate making it out alive as they headed for the exit. But she uttered some words that delayed it instantly.

“I need the bathroom! I’ll meet you at the car.”

“I can wait for you here?” He offered.

“No, it’s fine. I know where you parked.”

Seeing no way to argue, and he was blocking the exit, he nodded and took control of her cart along with his. It was risky business navigating the busy parking lot, and he was sweating by the time he reached his. He opened the large trunk and methodically began to pack everything inside, using the backseats for everything that didn’t fit in the trunk. Silently, Jake swore he would never again darken the Swedish megastore’s doorstep. It would be a cold day in hell before he subjected himself to that place again. He was returning the empty carts to the store when his phone buzzed. He waited until his hands were free to check it and didn’t know whether to bemoan her tenacity or delight in it.

MC: I’ve got your meatballs and kladdkaka! Come get them before I finish mine and eat yours.

His traitorous stomach rumbled as he read, and the smile flirting with the corners of his mouth soon overtook his face. He couldn’t complain; they finished shopping and had nowhere else to be. She was only playing by his rules and twisting them to get him out of his rigidness. And he was hungry... pocketing his phone with an exasperated curse, Jake once more entered the hell of IKEA and set off to find the insistent woman who held his heart of glass in her steady hands. The food hall teemed with frazzled shoppers, overexcited kids, and elderly folks who eyed the mayhem with narrowed eyes. He scanned the bustling tables for a familiar head of hair and spotted her off in the back corner, dancing as she ate. As he rounded the table, he saw his own plate waiting for him and plopped into the hard chair across from her as she forked up the last piece of her cake and stuffed it in her mouth. He found it oddly endearing that she always ate her dessert first in places like this.

“You found me! That’s your reward.” She chuckled and pointed at the food on his side after she cleared her mouth with a sip of cold water.

“Mmhmm.” Was all he said as he tucked into his fast-cooling meal and caught her staring at his slice of cake.

He didn’t get the hype, but the meatballs were edible, and the mashed potatoes were silky smooth with no hidden horrible lumps, so he was happy to munch away. She did the same and kept dancing with every mouthful she took, though her eyes would stick to his dessert every now and again. They chatted between bites, and he wondered if she realized just how deep a hold she had on him, how far he’d go to see her smile like she was then. He didn’t think so and thought it was part of her charm. She could make a trip to the DMV an adventure, and he admired her warm, romantic view of the world despite his learned knowledge that it was often cold, hurtful, and dark. Her ability to make him feel the same way was a form of magic he’d never heard anyone discuss, but he thought it should be treasured more than the big things. The mundane made up the majority of their daily lives. It was a special kind of magic and person that could make even the dull seem extraordinary.

The freckles on her nose scrunched up as she caught him watching her, and he ducked his head to hide his grin as a blush sparked in her cheeks. He was content to observe her squirm and pretend she didn’t want to ask him for his slice. Pulling it towards him after he finished the bland meatballs, he used his fork to cut off a small piece. She was barely breathing and leaning closer, eyes locked on his hands. He popped it in his mouth, ignoring the rush of saliva as the flavor exploded on his tongue to push the rest of it over to her. Her eyes lit up, a coy smile on her pretty mouth as she tried to be considerate despite the feral nature of her love of all things sweet. 

“Are you sure? We can split it?” She said even as she shoveled it into her mouth, and he couldn’t help but laugh at her when she looked confused at her now empty plate. 

“I think it’s too late for that,” he joked before going on, “Do you want more? We can get more.” 

She considered it, and he was getting ready to do it when she shook her head and said, “No, if we buy more, I’ll eat it all before we get home and feel sick all night. We should go before I forget that!”

He knew it was true and let her lead the way to the car, her swinging gaze catching on every table until they were on the way downstairs and approaching the double doors to freedom. They were soon back in the car, stomachs full and warmed through as he pulled out of his spot and followed the traffic to the main road. The journey home was short, filled with her singing along to whatever radio station she found and asking him questions he thought she might already know the answers to but just wanted to hear his voice. Still rusty from years of disuse, his answers sometimes meandered off the correct path, but she hung on his every word like he was revealing the secrets of the universe. And it never stopped. No matter where they were, if he spoke, she focused intently on him until he was done. It was oddly heartwarming and touching. He hoped he made her feel the same way whenever she was telling one of her stories that had a thousand offshoots and side quests. Their home soon came into view, and the last vestiges of stress fluttered away as he parked on their driveway. 

The truth was, they didn’t need anything they bought today. But her only condition for him moving in was that they make it feel like his place, too, and it must look like he lived there. She wanted him to put his mark on their home so he knew he could always find safety there. He’d been happy to move in and use her things, used to having nothing, and everything he did have could fit inside a backpack. Material goods didn’t really matter to him, but it wasn’t the furniture she cared about. She wanted him to feel like he counted, and he needed to have a hand in how their home came together. His mind buzzed as they swiftly unloaded the car and carried everything inside. It didn’t take too long before they were seated on the couch with mugs of hot coffee as they studied the many boxes they’d have to assemble.

As soon as he’d downed the last of his drink, she slapped her hands to her thighs and declared, “I’ll build the coffee table if you can handle your desk! Then we’ll just build them one by one.”

Jake agreed, and they got down on the carpet to begin. She tore at the packaging, practically gnawing on it like a squirrel to get the tape off as he found a packing knife and unsealed it neatly. Her brute force approach worked well for building the furniture. He was still setting all his pieces out in order of use before he picked up the first piece of wood he had to join with another while she was battering in the last leg of the table. Music played quietly as they worked, and she lit some scented candles when night drew in, turning on the lights once it was too dark to see. His frustration mounted as the last piece refused to slide in, making a queer rattling noise when he tried to force it. She was halfway through a nightstand when she noticed and came over to see if she could help. 

“You know, when it doesn’t fit right, I just… make it fit.” 

Jake snorted, “I’ve tried that. It doesn’t want to catch the slider.” 

“Want me to hit it?” She asked with a wicked grin. 

“No, I think that’ll make it worse.”

“Okay, let me know! I have some rage I’d like to get out.” She said as she crawled back to her side. 

He couldn’t help the silly chuckle that slipped free of his clenched teeth as the drawer finally gave into his pressuring shove, and his frustration bled away as it smoothly rolled open again at his urging. 

“What rage do you have?” He wondered aloud as she slammed her fist down on the top of the nightstand to test its strength. She was more akin to a hissing kitten when mad. It was difficult to imagine her acting truly angry.

“Stupid things. Marge next door telling me not to feed the birds. Janet at work, who keeps forgetting what days I work, and the man in Starbucks who always misspells my name!” 

He was grateful her grievances were so frivolous and hoped they always remained so. She should never know how it felt to be completely alone and lost in the world. Whatever life handed him, even the good parts were often accompanied by soul-destroying despair. Even now, he was the happiest he’d ever been, free of his self-made chains and financially secure. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop and often was paranoid that it hadn’t. He’d do everything in his power to ensure she never knew such darkness. If she ever lost that glint in her eye and the rose-colored glasses that made her world seem so gentle and lovely, he would never forgive himself. All he wanted was peace and happiness for her and for him. He knew life came with dips and often destruction, but he would feel complete if he could make this house their private little oasis from the world. The place they could retreat to and rebuild from the rubble whenever life’s hammer fist crushed them.

Long into the night, they playfully bickered and talked as they put together their new joint life and saved the rest for another day when their eyes turned gritty, and their yawns lasted longer than their conversation. Her soft hands were the sweetest medication as she ruffled his hair and suggested they got ready for bed. Side by side in the bathroom, they brushed their teeth and washed their faces, changing out of their clothes and putting on something lighter to sleep in. He knew his way around the house blind, and they didn’t turn on any lights as they entered their bedroom and crawled into bed. He curled around her body, his arm wrapping around her waist as she snuggled closer and hummed contentedly. Her soft breathing deepened, and he assumed she’d fallen asleep until her fatigue-roughened voice broke the silence.

“IKEA wasn’t so bad, was it?” 

He huffed a laugh, kissing the crown of her head before answering, “It wasn’t too terrible. But will you promise me something?” 

There was a smile in her voice as she said, “Sure, anything for you.” 

“Next time, we order online, and I’ll make you an entire chocolate cake you can eat by yourself.” 

There was a pause, a giggle, and finally, “Okay. Deal. I promise. I’ll even let you have a small sliver of cake.” 

“Deal.” He said and closed his eyes on the long day, certain in knowing he had many more good days ahead of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading! And if you reblog or comment, thank you for that too. It was a daft idea I had that wouldn’t leave me alone to write other things🤭 I hope you enjoyed it!

[moons-cozy-corner]

Rescued? (pt.1)

TW: past torture, panic attack, hospital setting, overstimulation, past captivity, previous brainwashing, pet whump (please tell me if I missed any!! This ones kinda a lot

Pet didn't remember the world being so bright.

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

The past couple of years had been filled with a soft dullness. Everything was dark and quiet for Pet in their little room. He needn't hear anything that wasn't Master, and a pet needn't see to know how to behave. Master had told him this time and time again, especially in the beginning. And now, Pet preferred it this way.

He had just wished Master would have prepared him for this. The noises, the lights. It was so much, and Pet could do nothing more than clench his eyes and ignore the beeping and whirring of the technology around him.

It was rather difficult to stay calm when a bunch of loud men burst into his home, clad in black vests and guns in their hands, pointed right at him, flashlights shining in his face. The officers had kicked his door down, ripping off his chains and dragging him out of his room into the cold night. Pet fought so hard to stay in his room like a good pet should, but they were stronger than Pet, who was so thin one could see his ribs clearly, and there certainly was no more muscle left in those arms. So now he sat on a hospital bed in a scratchy gown, dozens of wires taped to his skin and lights assaulting his eyes.

There was no sign of his Master anywhere, and that was the worst part. Master always came to visit him, every single day. Pet had of course been told what to do in the case that he had been stolen. Stay quiet. Be patient. I will find you. Behave until I do. But it was hard to be confident when so far away from Master.

Regardless, the mantra reverberated through his skull over and over again. It was all he allowed himself to hear. It was all he deserved to hear, and all that he would hear until Master returned to rescue him.

"Hello?" Somebody knocked on the door, three times precisely. He paid no mind, even as the nurse drew closer to the bedside. Something smelled nice, desperately nice and warm, but he kept his eyes clamped shut regardless. This person would not trick him into betraying his Master.

"I've brought you some food," she cooed, as if talking to a scared animal. To her, he probably was, being as thin and frail as he was. But that was another of the rules; the only food you ever eat will come from my hand, and my hand only.

So Pet just sat there. He sat there, eyes shut but not blocking out any harsh light, smelling the delicious smell of a meal within his fingertips. It was a useless effort of the nurse, really. Pet would refuse to eat anything until its Master returned. No matter how delightful it smelled.

"I'll just... I'll leave it right here, then." It was a clear statement, but the confusion and horror slipped through that practiced honey-sweet voice of hers. She walked away, becoming another set of steps in the never ending stampede of the hallway, and the glorious smell remained.

Pet couldn't remember the last time he'd smelled a smell that good. He'd always been fed the same thing, and he couldn't even state confidently what that was. Its not like what it was mattered anyways. Master had been generous enough to feed him, even when they deserved punishment. And for that, Pet was grateful.

More nurses came and left throughout the day, checking his vitals, changing I.V.s. At some point, a nurse had started force-feeding Pet, to which they didn't know how to react other than to allow it to happen. He knew better than to scream and fight back-Master had taught him that much-but did it count around these new people? Well, probably not. Pet was too confused to know. It normally wasn't his job to think this hard about obedience. When it came to Master... well, it had been easy.

When he was alone, he cried. Maybe when Master found him again he'd be punished for this weakness, but he couldn't care. It would be a comfort to feel Masters embrace again, even if it was an aggressive one. And maybe, just maybe, he'd be rewarded for behaving so well, for resisting the food and the kindness and the warmth, for uttering not a word until they reunited.

"I've got to see him! Please, let me through-" A voice hissed on the other side of the cracked open door. Of course the nurses hadn't trusted Pet with the door closed, having to keep watch on him 24/7. Even Master gave him more trust than them. "I need to know if it's him!"

"Sir, you can't enter here." One of the dozens of nurses Pet had heard that day, trying to keep someone out? Why did they care who came in and out? What if it was Master? They can't keep Master out! "It's the middle of the night, come back in the morning for the identification process. Let him sleep, Hero. He's been through... a lot."

"Villain!" Nope, not Master. The voice was too squeaky, too emotional to be Master. Pet curled in on himself further, trying to block out the noise. If it wasn't Master-which it wasn't-then they needn't hear it. "Let me in!"

He could hear the fighting going on right outside the room. It made him sick, all of the noise. The smell of the food still lingered in the air, stale and wrong after sitting out for too long. The way that same food sat like stone at the base of their gut. They'd taken Pet's clothes and put him in this gown-this damned gown!-and everything was wrong and itchy and gross and so loud and so bright and-

Nurses held Pet down from both sides, another fumbling to check the vitals and the I.V. again, muttering incoherently to each other as Pet struggled under their grasp. He yelled out for Master to rescue him, to take him home, all the while tears ran down his face collecting old dirt from days passed. His eyes were still clenched shut, now tighter than ever. He wanted to go home, anywhere but this hellish place.

A prick in his arm sent him further into his rampage of kicks and yells, but slowly his muscles turned lax, his cries growing weaker and weaker, and the last thing he could feel was the hands on him loosen and the chattering go silent.

One final voice piped up from somewhere in the background. "That's him," it whispered, recognition echoing through the deepest parts of Pets skull. "That's my Villain."

part 2

tag-list: @bleeding-letters

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest - Fic Recs | Vol. 10

Hi babies!!

Can't believe this is the TENTH week of TSD. I really love sharing what I read with y'all (even if it's lowkey embarrassing to admit how much smut I read in seven days). This week I branched out to a Pedro Boy I don't usually read AND I read a couple different series that like... changed my life.

Fic recs below the Pedro ;)

The last great american dynasty - a Joel one shot by @proxima-writes (part of the Folklore Anthology)

I love love love old homes and I also did a research project in college that involved reading historical letters so this was all just a really cool premise for me. Add in the snarky reader and grumpy joel and it's just heaven on earth for me.

Muddy Waters - a Joel / Ezra series by @bonezone44

This is like... weird. It gives me an eerie feeling. And that is such a fucking compliment btw. I am obsessed. The way you've written Ezra is so fucking interesting (and creepy). Love me a murder boy <3 And reader is really fascinating too ugh. This is so cool. (thanks toxic for pointing me to this w your rec ahhhh).

Bunny - a Javi P two shot by @whatsnewalycat

Obsessed with the premise here. Phone sex operator to get through school?? sign me up. The little Dale Gribble moment was delightful and then it's followed up by incredible phone sex with Javier. And then!!! Part TWO we get professor Javi, which is unfairly hot and the recognition from the voice and just.... oh my god it is everything. I mean this is just the perfect set up for dirty talk and boy does Javi have a mouth on him.

LJ's Bangathon - a Pedro Boys... bangathon? by @prolix-yuy

Every single one of these is incredible. I'm especially partial to the Oberyn x Sit on the Throne one because like... murder + dub con vibes and neither in the way you'd expect. I also adored Jack and Marcus Pike. Their dynamic was so good UGH. Anyway they're all amazing and you should read them.

Learning to Live - a Javi P series by @wheresarizona

This fucking fic is ruining my life. I've been completely consumed with it all week. I can see how a casual viewer of Narcos would say it's OoC for Javi, but I actually think it's kind of genius. Throughout the show you get all these slight glimpses into Javi's true nature: soft, sweet, caring, passionate, gentle... but he's so wrapped up in and beat down by everything in Colombia that he has to be an asshole or he won't fucking survive. The post-show Javi who is ready to start letting all that go is so fucking wonderful to see and I love that Cielito gets to help bring that out of him. The little moments of reconnecting with his family and remembering his mom bring me to tears. The long speeches in Spanish are just so lovely. If you need something to make you weak in the knees and a little teary eyed this is it. Passionate, adoring, filthy, gorgeous smut sandwiched between beautiful little moments of fluff and just the right amount of angst. Me encanta esta historia <3

With or Without You - a Javi P/Frankie series by @jksprincess10

Frankie is so adorable and sweet in this. He just wants to make reader feel good and he also wants to please Javi ugh. And reader is so mischievous getting Javi to do what she wants ahhhhh. And of course our dominant little Javi P is wonderful in this. Fucking top tier smut, Nad. We all know I love a MMF threesome fic lmao.

this is me trying - a Joel one shot by @swiftispunk

This is such a sweet platonic Joel and Ellie fic ugh. I really love fics that explore their relationship post season 1 and like... Joel coming to terms with everything. I loved the set up (similar to his panic attack in episode 6 when he sees the girl by the tree) and I love how Ellie comforts him in her own quintessentially Ellie way. You can see the bond they have where she just kind of knows what to do and say instinctively and it makes me so happy. I see a lot of fics where Joel is trying to comfort Ellie or get her to stop hating him for what he did and it's just really nice to see a fic where Ellie comforts him instead.

take what you need darling - a Joel one shot by @iamasaddie

big thick dick daddy joel what more do you need?

punch the clock - a Javi P one shot by @deathwife

Listen this is exactly what would happen if I worked anywhere near Javier Peña. I would find a way to get him to come with me and I would also be a sassy lil bitch to him constantly. Not like it would be difficult to get Javi to come with pretty much anything with legs and wearing a skirt, but still.

I Can Feel Your Heartbeat - a Jack (Whiskey) series by @psychedelic-ink

Cowboy Jack Daniels is a character who begs to be written as a stripper and this fic delivered. He's hot and sweet and I love it. Part two is sexy as all hell and features clumsy as fuck reader (which is so me). And then it drops the ANGST on you. God I love this. I cannot wait for part three.

The Secret - a Marcus M series by @frannyzooey

This collection of drabbles about a much older Marcus Moreno sneaking into your dorm at night is so fucking hot, y'all. I don't read a whole lot of Marcus Moreno unless he's being sweetly seduced by my favorite piece of shit human, Dieter Bravo. So I clicked on this bc it's by one of my favorite writers and was rec'd by another of my favorite writers and... alright. I'm on the Marcus Moreno train. I get it. And the drabbles left me desperately wanting a full story... wishful thinking?

----------oldies but goodies-----------

Soft - a Dieter one shot by @mishasminion360

Home for the weekend - a Joel one shot by @loquaciousferret

Genesis - an Ezra series by @max--phillips (I'll kiss you if you write more)

Perfectly Intoxicating - a Javi P series by @gracieispunk

Es Tarde y Te Necesito - a Javi P one shot by @gar6agef1r3

Say My Name - a Javi P one shot by @palioom

I Only See Daylight - a Din series by @millersdjarin

A Fresh Start - a Din series by @theidiotwhowritesthings

----------my shit------------

Nothing new! I'm planning a little Javi P thing maybe? Based on my username... MAYBE! Do not get excited.

And maybe a lil Dieter thing based on Dial Drunk by Noah Kahan but again don't hold me to it I am useless most of the time.

-------------------------------------

Happy Reading <3

[donnerpartyofone]

I can't believe I'm about to do this. I mean don't get too excited, it's not interesting, I'm just forced to talk about it because that's the only power I have in this stupid situation.

A couple weeks ago I was prescribed this new asthma medication, even though my problem is almost definitely from muscular-skeletal pressure but nobody can figure that out yet, so for now I just have this inhaler so I'm not constantly suffocating. The first time I took it at the recommended dosage I had a bad panic attack that took me out for an entire day. I reduced the dosage so I didn't feel dangerously insane anymore, but it still causes my fucking rosacea to go completely out of control, which is not really something I can just ignore; it drives me crazy that insurance companies just treat rosacea like it's some fancy cosmetic issue, as if it doesn't affect your entire life when your skin is visibly deteriorating at an escalating rate, but that's another story... So anyway I have a giant bag of medications that either didn't work at all or actively harmed me (my typical experience with everything) that I haven't disposed of yet, so I dug around in there for a tube of Rhofade that like I don't even know how I got it because it's the premiere celebrity-endorsed thing and it's psychotically expensive, but anyway I decided to give it another shot because I'm desperate. First couple days it worked great. I thought all my problems were solved, except that I'd have to find a way to keep paying for it. Then it seemed not so great for a couple days. Then things started to get pretty rocky. I wondered if it had to do with not being careful enough in the sun or what, but I started to worry about the medication, so I did something that will sound insane, but oh well.

Months ago I complained to my GP that I was having a hard time finding a "real dermatologist" in the city, as opposed to a salesperson for predatory beauty treatments. I've been treated pretty badly by a variety of dermos over 15 years, I often had the feeling that I was neglected because I had a medical concern as opposed to like an expensive anti-aging concern or something. Sometimes a dermo advertises themselves as a medical professional, but when you get there you realize they're a glorified beautician and you're fucked. I went to a well-reviewed practice that's now called The Dermatology Specialists several times, and every time there was a mad rush to get rid of me. The actual head of the clinic saw me a couple times, and both times he came running at me with a needle without telling me what he was doing, to try to lance a mole that I wasn't there to discuss. One of these was right over my eye and you can imagine how scary this was. I eventually realized I didn't have to take that shit and swore him off. Years later when I decided to look for a dermo in my new neighborhood, I made an appointment at a "new" place that I realized too late was the same guy; he had rebranded and expanded his thing into a giant chain that's all over the city, like half or more of the dermos in my searches are attached to his practice and it's not always obvious until the appointment is made. Fuck. I thought, maybe things will be different at this location, I'm seeing a new person and I'm the only one in the waiting room, seems pretty chill. I actually had to get a mole removed that time. I sat down with the new doctor who frantically explained what she was going to do to me before saying "OK BYE!!!" and racing out the door, which she had almost closed all the way behind her before she remembered that she still had to actually do the procedure. I couldn't believe I'd fallen for this clinic's bullshit yet again!

So that's when I talked to my GP and she wrote me a referral for what I took to be a real doctor. His office was clean, simple, and unpretentious. When I got there, an exiting patient was thanking the doctor profusely for something, like from the depths of his soul. We sat down together and he calmly denounced all the lasers and other expensive snake oil that had been upsold to me over the years. He told me to scale back to just a basic Aveeno face wash and moisturizer, and I was so relieved that he wasn't some greedy hipster asshole...however. He also told me that the active ingredient in Afrin, an OTC decongestant nasal spray, has the same effects as the top of the line rosacea medication Rhofade, and many of his patients have success just applying it to their skin. I was so impressed that he wasn't trying to sell me anything, and that he was empowering me to just take care of my own shit at home, that I believed him.

So flashing forward to the past week: I use this new inhaler that I need if I want to breathe, my face blows up like a bomb, I try Rhofade and it seems to make things worse...and then I buy some Afrin and put it on. It pretty much burned my face off my skull. My skin was purple and my face completely changed shape for more than 24 hours. I thought, at least I have this cold pack that's made for faces, for swelling from dental surgery and shit (it was recommended to me by my TMJ specialist who is also fucking with me right now but that's another story). I applied it, and it made everything a thousand times worse than it had ever been. I had to cancel all my plans. I took Tylenol, antihistamines, drank tons of water, whatever I thought would help. A colloidal oatmeal-based moisturizer kind of did something for me, but not remotely enough. It's a couple days later, now, and I'm still not completely over it, and I'm having random intense and painful flareups. I've never had exactly this problem before. And by the way "just using a moisturizer" has not helped anything at all this entire time, even though it's the advice I always get (sometimes VERY rudely) no matter what I say. Dry skin is not my problem, someone could tell just from touching it. Just being mindful of the sun and trigger foods and shit is not the answer. I know there's something else going on and like nobody cares to find out.

So anyway I'm having a followup appointment with my GP to explain all this...and in the meantime I'm going back to the fucking snake oil clinic. I just absolutely need something for right now, I don't know if it will be an antibiotic or what. I've spent years looking for a real medical dermatologist and I know I'm not going to just find one overnight, so I'm subjecting myself to more humiliation at the most convenient place, and I'll deserve whatever I get I guess. At least my appointment is with a guy I haven't seen before. Cross your fingers for me that he doesn't give me something else that just melts my face off of my face.

[altschmerzes]

Hey! im ace and aro and was wondering if you could talk about what being engaged and getting married means and looks like to you as an aro person? I feel like so few people talk about it that i have no real frame of reference. it’s really cool that you’re happy and living authentically doing all these things and i guess yeah i just wanted to hear more about that if you felt like sharing! have a great day <3

yeah!!! i'm happy to talk abt that!! it's definitely nothing i've seen any kind of like..... broader awareness of, or people talking about, and i probably would've been like. more optimistic about my future if it had been something i'd seen, i think. this got a little long so i'm throwing it under a cut but here it is!! a bit of an explanation of like. How My Engagement/Marriage Works And How That Came To Be. (signed off on by my fiance, for the record - i didn't want to write out an answer to this without checking with them, but they're totally fine with it!)

i think it's probably wildly confusing to some people to see me post and talk abt being aro A Lot (it's one of the most prominent aspects of my online personality i think sdlfjs) including being like. incredibly romance repulsed, and then mention being engaged or having a fiance or referencing 'my wife' (though we're not married yet it is one of my Favourite jokes to make because 1. i think it's very funny, and 2. i just like saying it). people contain multitudes etc etc but i do wonder if people are confused by that sldfjs. my engagement is like... honestly everything i'd ever have hoped for if i'd asked myself at any point in the years since i started identifying as aromantic what my ideal life would include.

i've always had a hard time being alone and i wanted the intimacy and mutual support and just. ability to Do Life with someone that a relationship involved, while also being, as i've said, intensely romance repulsed and not really open to sex either. really just sort of figured that wasn't going to happen for me. the odds of not only meeting an aroace person (the only sort of person i thought might have an interest in the same sort of relationship i wanted and was comfortable with) irl never mind being compatible with them personally and in our priorities just seemed incredibly slim. which like... made me sad sometimes. i'd always sort of daydreamed about getting married which is wild for someone who is as romance repulsed as i am, which i know i keep saying but it really is an incredibly intense feeling for me (i tried dating once in high school and had several panic attacks before breaking it off after our third extremely mild fourteen/fifteen year old date, and often feel physically ill trying to read about fictional romance/watch it on tv). but y'know. sometimes we just don't get what we want in life, and i was fine with the idea of having my friends and my synagogue community and like. hoping my friends wouldn't all leave me behind alone as they all got into relationships.

what ended up happening is obviously not that. i'm really truly unbelievably thrilled every day to wake up and remember what i've got to look forward to every day. my engagement is entirely platonic, and it's exactly what both of us want and are just. beyond happy with and excited for. my fiance is a lesbian, actually, and has been incredibly good and patient with reassuring me that the relationship we have, exactly as it is, is what they want too, that they don't feel like i'm depriving them of anything. we love each other very much, and we're building the life together that we want, in exactly the way that we want.

and that's how it happened, really. we talked about what we wanted. i got engaged at the end of what i've referred to as a 'several hour long conversation' which is the truth sdlkfs. a close friend and i both had sort of 'evaluating the next couple years of our lives and how we wanted pivotal parts of our futures to go' moments about the same time, and it came up i think mostly as a half-serious suggestion that we could get married. for logistical reasons, it made sense for us. and then we started talking about what that might look like - what we wanted, from our lives and our futures, and our hypothetical marriage. and the more we talked about it, the more serious it got, the more real it got, and the more we both i think realized we wanted the same thing. the same life, the same way, together.

we talked about a whole lot in that first couple of days. one of the very first things we talked about actually was kids - did we want them? what was important to us about having and raising children (names, religion, etc)? then it was stuff like did we have strong feelings about where we lived. did we want our own rooms in our home, did we want to wear rings (i love my engagement ring. it makes me smile every time i notice it on my hand), what did we want to tell our friends. we had conversations about whether and how we wanted a wedding. what sort of physical intimacy we were comfortable with, what sort we might want (really glad we did that, and that we were honest and open about that - nothing better, it turns out, than Cuddling Your Wife). what sort of affection we were comfortable with around other people.

our relationship, our life, is what we want it to be. exactly what we want it to be. what makes us happy. we've built it from a vast and beautiful array of choices and options, adding the things we want and leaving the things we don't. it's an approach i would highly recommend to everyone, honestly - talking about what you want out of your relationship, what you want to do and how you want to be with someone rather than just picking which of a short list of proscribed 'types of relationship' you want to have. it leaves a lot more room for nuance and what will actually make you happy than much less contextually nuanced things like assuming your definition of 'dating' will match the other person's, or that the kind of relationship you want just isn't possible. setting up that kind of foundation in communication and honesty and being clear about our expectations and needs has fostered a relationship where i feel respected and valued and heard - and i'm reasonably certain (and i hope!) that they feel the same.

we travelled to my birthplace so they could be introduced to my family and my childhood best friend. it's always both surprising and amusing to me every time someone assumes i'm gay (gender is complicated but we both tend to read as women) - this happened a lot there, and as i've told my extended family and other more casual friends about my engagement. this doesn't bother me at all (i'm not out to almost anyone irl as aromantic, and it's a reasonable conclusion to reach given what information they have) but it's extremely funny when i also get to find out which of my family members/people i knew in middle school always sort of wondered if i was gay but never asked sldkjs. turns out the answer is 'a lot'.

re: assumptions, for the most part, we don't bother explaining the nature of our relationship to people. this is also something we talked about! we discussed how much we wanted to clarify or contextualize, and decided that ultimately like... with the exception of people we're very close to, and in contexts like this (fairly anonymous post on ye olde internet with the ability to immediately block anyone who clowns on it), it's really nobody's business unless we decide it is and we're cool with just letting people assume whatever. that does lead to some like... i can't speak for them but it gets a little weird for me sometimes, i'm not gonna lie. it feels a little like getting misgendered, having people assume that i'm in a romantic relationship. i say that as a nonbinary person who's mostly just. chill about not being out about that irl. that's the best descriptor i have to help people understand what might be a hard thing to understand. but it doesn't bug me enough to want to put myself - or my fiance - through what correcting that assumption would involve. i mostly don't blame anyone for it - it's extremely reasonable to assume someone who is engaged is in a romantic relationship with the person they're engaged to - except for when friends who know i'm aromantic and somehow think this means that's... changed, somehow? or jump to assuming i'm in a romantic relationship before considering i might not be in one and still be engaged anyway. so it's kind of weird, and feels a little bad, but not enough to really do anything about it except hope the world changes a bit and stops making assumptions about other people's relationships at some point.

that's really the only downside, hand to gd. that and worrying that there might be consequences, legally, if the wrong person finds out we're married but Not Like That. everything else is honestly amazing. it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm so unbelievably happy. i never thought i'd ever get to be this happy, or have a future this bright and warm and full of love to look forward to. having spent a lot of my life for various reasons thinking i just wouldn't have a future at all, it's like every day is a really incredible dream, except i'm never going to have to wake up.

the moral of the story i guess, if you've made it this far in this novel of an answer, anon, which i wouldn't bet on, because it's so much longer than i planned on it being (SORRY SDLKFJS i guess this is more than just a 'writing fic' problem for me now XD), is that your relationships are what you make them. assuming that what you want isn't possible, or that nobody could possibly want the same thing, is a great way to cheat yourself out of something wonderful. nobody has to have any kind of relationship, obviously, if they don't want one, but i think there are a lot of people - aromantic and not! though i do think this probably impacts aro people. more. - who could benefit from the idea that there are more options out there than just like... 1. romantic relationship constructed in a specific way and following a specific path, and 2. being alone.

[cookinguptales]

just some me thoughts. up and down but mostly hopeful, I think. might delete later, who knows. I think writing these things down sometimes is productive for me, but leaving them up might not always be best. lmao

(cw: mental illness, discussion of suicidal ideation, etc.)

I have struggled with MDD for... most of my life, I'd say. I had "child-friendly" suicidal ideation when I was maybe 6-7 years old, where I'd imagine just kind of floating away in a bubble and never coming back, but it had graduated to full-fledged suicidal ideation by like. idk, maybe 9? I remember a school counselor asking me if I ever thought about wanting to die and I was like "well, no more than everyone else does" and she was like. hmm!

(I have since learned that was not the correct answer lmao)

I struggled a lot more when I got older and the symptoms of my chronic illnesses worsened, and there was a lot of abuse at home, too. There was also some... I guess I'll call it CSA when I was a teen, but I don't think those chickens came home to roost until I was about a year into my degree and I had ~a breakdown~.

what happened, honestly, was that I'd barely been able to juggle my mental illness and my physical illness when I was at home being driven everywhere, but once I moved out for college and started walking everywhere, I completely lost control over my chronic illnesses. and then when that happened, my mental illness quickly followed.

(plus I was put on birth control for the first time in this period (to deal with what we'd later learn was endometriosis) and that did NOT play well with my brain.)

I won't... get into all the details, but I was on medical leave for a couple years and the depression got pretty bad. Some of the responses to that mental illness poll I've seen feel totally unrelatable to my own experiences, which makes me feel... idk, I guess sometimes I tell myself it wasn't that severe. But then other times I hear people talk about their experiences with depression and I'm like "oh... maybe mine was pretty severe..."

Part of it is that my depression and my chronic exhaustion often kind of mingle. Back then, I'd be too tired to get out of bed, so I just wouldn't. For days. And then I might go a day or two without eating, and that would make the chronic illness worse, so by the end I'd really just kinda be sleeping and crying and Still Not Eating for a few days at a time. Maybe some crackers. I ate a lot of ramen and bed crackers.

In some respects, I think I was actually lucky...? I thought about dying constantly, but I was so exhausted that there was no way I was ever going to do anything, even that. My POTS was wildly uncared for at this point, so I'd just kind of slip in and out of consciousness sometimes. I got bedsores a few times.

I did eventually get back to school and I kind of got my head together, but it was definitely a struggle, made worse by my school's deeply ableist policies. I was a nervous wreck in college, if I'm being honest with myself. I cried a lot.

My PMDD ended up getting pretty severe, too. I had some very close calls. I struggled a lot with the hormonal medications I was put on to treat the PMDD and the endometriosis because often I'd do better for a while (once my periods stopped) but then I'd start bleeding nonstop or my brain would go bonkers or something. It felt like every hormonal medication I took was a ticking time bomb. It'd make me better before it then made me much, much worse. And there was really no way to predict when it would happen.

Honestly, after having suicidal ideation be the cosmic background radiation of my life for decades, anxiety was uh. I mean, I didn't enjoy it, but I always kind of felt like I was gonna throw up and pass out anyway, so really all it added was agoraphobia and some panic attacks. Anxiety was always pretty manageable for me compared to everything else. The depression was always more dangerous. I'd lose literal weeks that I wouldn't even remember later when the depression got bad. I would just kinda. Stop leaving my apartment. For weeks. Even months, a few times.

(There is a reason I get myself Little Treats a lot, and it's mostly because it's a way to force myself to leave my house regularly. lmao. It's... a bribe, let's be real. Like "you can go get that iced coffee as long as you go get it," that kind of situation.)

The reason I'm talking about this isn't so much to wallow, though... Actually, I think I've been doing a lot better the past couple years. Going to California during the summer has been helpful (so I don't just have to sit alone in a house with all the windows covered for 3-4 months every year because I get so sick in hot, sunny weather) and I think the ketamine has been really, really helpful. It hasn't cured me, but it does often take the edge off both the pain and the mental illness, and sometimes that's enough.

(Treatment-resistant depression is a biiiitch.)

I think getting diagnosed with PMDD has been helpful, too. It helps me to be a little more pragmatic about things, and has helped me to kind of see those voices as something outside myself. Now when I am... really, really struggling with feelings of worthlessness and feeling like... idk, like I'm a burden, like I need to die, etc. I can say like

well okay but you're also having cramps and your shoulder is dislocated so I think I know what's going on here lmao.

I'm not fixed, by any means, but I do feel like I have more tools to deal with it...? When my brain is getting very loud, I can be like. well, okay, auntie flo is being a real bitch to me this month, but I'll just move my ketamine treatment up a day and that should help.

So I feel less powerless, and I do think that's been very helpful. Having action steps and being able to look at my negative self-talk as my illness talking and not my actual self has been helpful. I can kind of frame it as being bullied rather than justifiably hating myself.

I do still struggle with a lot of self-worth issues outside of the chemical kind, but I think that forcing myself to unlearn a lot of internalized homophobia, fatphobia, ableism, etc. has helped to take the edge off of that, too. It's always been very difficult to imagine myself being loved, but I'm practicing. haha. It's a skill to master like any other.

I think what really prompted this, though, was remembering how bad I was 15 years ago. Like... having to cut all my hair off because it got so matted... It was so short for a while... And now I look at myself and like. I'm far from perfect, but I have long hair again. I own a little house. I take care of a cat. I have friends. I just finished writing a book.

I never could have finished something like this back then. I couldn't even feed myself.

So while some days I feel like I haven't progressed at all, I can hold up those accomplishments and be like. Okay, so your house is a mess. You get behind on work sometimes. Maybe you're self-conscious about this book.

But you have the house. You have the job. You have the manuscript.

You can't compare everything that you are to the perfect idealized version of you. That person doesn't exist. Maybe you should compare yourself to what you were fifteen years ago. That person doesn't exist anymore, either, but she used to.

So... I guess tonight maybe I'm doing that. Forcing myself to think about how close I was to death while still living, and to at least give myself kudos for growing enormously from there.

I still don't always feel like I'm living up to my full potential, but I am living. Which is a lot better than the sort of half-death I existed in back then.

Severe depression is... a lot. It's so hard. So many days I wake up and I just lie there for a long, long time. But... I do get out of bed eventually. And I did eat a few meals today. And I did divide this book into chapters.

idk. It's a journey. It's one that was almost cut short many years ago, but somehow despite it all I'm still here. And still walking. Maybe I'll get better than I am now. Maybe I won't. Maybe the idealized me will never exist.

But I won't let the other me exist again, either, and I suppose tonight that's good enough.

[wh3r3sth3l0ve]

Sora x Tifa

Part 27

Part 26 below

- Riku? What are you doing here?

Sora couldn't believe his eyes. More than five years passed but his friend looked exactly the way he remembered him - tall, long blueish hair, fit and handsome.

- It seems that the roles have reversed. This time I am the one looking for you.

Certain flashbacks showed before Sora's eyes. He remembered the time when he was going from one place to another, asking every single person about him.

- Aren't you happy to see me? - Riku smiled at him.

Sora went to his friend and hugged him.

- How did you find me?

- Unversed drew me here. My Keyblade opened the gate to this world.

- Got it. I wonder why they even appeared. It's very unusual.

- Especially since Vanitas is long gone but still that’s better than Heartless.

- Um, Sora? Could you introduce me?

Tifa approached them with a question on her face.

- Sure, sorry. Riku, this is Tifa, my girlfriend. Tifa, this is my best friend, Riku.

- Nice to meet you, Sora told me about you. - she leaned her hand.

- I hope those were only good things. - Riku shaked her hand.

He looked at his friend and said:

- Girlfriend, huh? - he had doubt written on his face.

- Yeah, I'm really happy to have her.

- Do we have to talk here? Let's go to the bar, I'll make us something to drink. - Tifa proposed.

In a couple of minutes they were back at 7th Heaven.

- What would you like? - she asked Riku.

- I dunno, same thing he likes. - he pointed at Sora.

- Right away.

Sora looked at his friend.

- So you were looking for me?

- Yeah, since the first day you left. What happened?

- Didn't she tell you? - he doubted that.

- Oh, Kairi told me what happened but I want to know your perspective.

Even though Tifa was preparing their drinks, she was listening carefully. Her heart started pounding nervously when she heard Kairi’s name.

- Well, long story short, I couldn't get over the words she said to me. I had to run as far from her as I could. Also it got me amnesia, I forgot everything from before the Keyblade War.

Riku was listening with his mouth open as Sora continued.

- I've been wandering from one place to another without any particular reason. Eventually I got here and met this beauty. - he pointed his chin at Tifa. - she helped me. No, she rescued me.

- What do you mean? - his eyes were getting wider with every sentence his friend said.

- He means - Tifa put their drinks in front of him and got into the conversation. - that what Kairi did to him threw him into a deep depression and gave him anxiety attacks.

She said that a little bit too harshly. Sora was clearly embarrassed, now looking blankly at his glass.

- It took some time, patience and a lot of kindness and affection to get him back. I was really scared when I first saw him falling into panic.

- I’m really sorry to hear that. - Riku said. - Still, I don’t think it was anybody's fault.

- I don’t blame her. - Sora said quietly. - But it hurt like nothing before. It still does.

He felt an almost painful thudding in his chest. He looked at Tifa and continued:

- Thanks to you I know how to smile again. - he moved his face to Riku. - I’ll never say that she was trying to hurt me on purpose, yet she did. If it wasn’t for Tifa, I don’t think I’d make it to this day.

He shaked his head and asked:

- Enough about me. What about you? It’s been more than five years.

[unma]

So, wanna hear about that Zwei Gregor solo I talked about? Well, too bad, because I only have a couple of screenshots because I was too busy having fun.

However. Guess what Floor 4 boss I rolled. Just guess. Guess.

That's right. Raging Bull. Raging Bull. On the 000 Id that sucks ass at clashing with ego-tier skills.

If this was Dieci Hong Lu I would probably have been fine, but this was a Zwei Gregor with his only non-base EGO being Lantern. And corrosion was not a viable play because the corrosion skill is positive too.

Oh, but guess what. Zwei Gregor sucks at clashing against this abnormality, and it has skills that drain SP, so corrosion is forced anyway.

(I did not in fact return to the boss within the hour)

Anyway, 2 days later I come back and remember that Zwei Gregor is a tank. I mean, I knew that, but I wasn't truly playing like one. I had Grey Coat, the Blood Pack, Lantern and Lantern Don on the bench. I could out-heal any damage in the early battle and out-shield any damage later on.

This battle was how I learnt that burn eats through shield before it hits hp. Meaning. With enough shield. I was immune to burn.

believe it or not, an ideal start to this fight was having a wall of S1s, at least for the first 2 turns. Even with this stalling method, I still barely did enough damage to fight back, and eventually I would corrode and lose clashes with Lantern.

But do you know what really screwed me over here? You want to know?

Burn, mainly, but it was only made worse by Talisman Sinclair. Let me explain: Lantern is gluttony. By the time I corrode, I have 5+ skill slots. Most of the time only 1 slot is filled by panic. Which leads to 4 glut resonance. Which leads to 8 talisman. Which leads to 8 rupture whenever I get hit. Which leads to dying as quickly as possible because the rupture damage brings me into range of burn killing me. So I essentially had to get lucky during my first corrosion.

Anyway after half an hour I staggered the bull for the first time. Unfortunately, I also got staggered.

This is fine, actually. Ignore the burn. It's a non-issue.

Now, here's the battle 13 minutes later.

yes. That is max burn on Gregor. You are seeing that correctly.

Anyway, with all my stalling, the bull kept getting attack power down whenever it went through its whole loop. Which meant, eventually, I get to clash properly.

And after 25 turns, the bull is finally dead. 25 turns. Several hours over 2 days.

The only thing that compares to this is having to solo bugged Centipede with Dieci Hong Lu.

Anyway, here's a highlight of the last bits of the run

Gregor drops to 2hp. Which he does. Every focused encounter. Without fail. And then he heals to full from one Lantern cast. Which is beautiful, lol. I don't even have coin.

Then I get Sunshower, which is even more useful here because Gregor can actually activate it without EGO (his S1 is so good, man)

And then the final boss. Who would it be? MFE? Fae Lantern? I was praying for anything but the latter (it basically fucks over any solo run where you don't have access to bleed), and answer my prayers Limbus did.

Clam was probably the easiest thing ever, given that poison also ate shield before hp, meaning that playing proper I was practically immune.

This battle was fun (asides from the fact that even at max sp I was having issues with clashing sometimes. 5% my ass.), and ten minutes later Clam was dead with no issues.

Anyway, here's the details from the run.

MVP bench id is Lantern Don. Also Talisman Sinclair was always funny outside of Bull. Ooh, more damage. Who cares if I get hit when I generate 100+ shield every turn?

Anyway Zwei Gregor is fun and he gets to be the second id I've soloed MD3H with. I was going to do Lantern don instead, but I had no non-base ego on her so I decided that wasn't a good idea.

Though, with her electric screaming ego from the battle pass, I'll probably do one this week.

[timeoverload]

I don't understand why you are so afraid of me. I don't think I am very scary. I try to be welcoming but maybe I'm not doing a very good job. I know I have hurt your feelings in the past and I think that was due to my lack of understanding. I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm sorry for that and I never want to hurt you again. I would take good care of you and I know that I can be an amazing partner. I am very loyal. I don't know why you can't just give me a chance.

I am not trying to be impatient with you or be pushy. I know you are having a hard time right now. I know it's not easy to step out of your comfort zone.

I have to do that every time I come to see you. Of course I love seeing you and coming to the shop. I just get so nervous every time that I feel sick and forget how to act normal. I have literally had panic attacks in the car because my social anxiety is so bad. I think it was the worst when I tried to come to see you on walk-in days because I didn't know what was going to happen and it was very stressful for me.

I don't leave my house to see anyone else but you and my family. I don't hang out with friends outside of work or anything like that anymore. I don't have any extensive conversations with anybody and my phone rarely goes off unless someone is calling me trying to get my money. I think I have gone out with friends by myself less than 5 times in the past 10+ years because I wasn't allowed to go out alone for such a long time. I became so isolated when I moved to Florida and I had no friends down there and it only got worse when I moved back to Nebraska. I also wasn't allowed to have friends over either and I tried a couple times but it didn't end well. I think I became used to the feeling of isolation unfortunately. I have always had trouble socializing since I was a kid so that definitely doesn't help. I'm not sure if I can fix that because I have been trying my entire life. I am just weird I guess.

I don't think I have gone out to do anything since I moved back home. I haven't gone to any concerts. I can't remember the last time I went out to eat at a restaurant or to a bar. I don't go outside unless I'm driving somewhere or walking from the parking lot to and from work. I have to have a blood test on Friday and I think my vitamin D levels are very low because I rarely see the sun anymore unless I'm looking through the window. The world scares me more now because I've had a lot of bad experiences.

I don't know if you have the same problems with social anxiety or not but I totally understand if you do. It's not easy to deal with.

I want you to know that I'm not going to stop you from doing the things you enjoy or living your life. You are free to do the things that make you happy. All I ask is that you spend time with me when you can. I wouldn't force you to spend all of your time with me. I understand the need for quiet time. I'm not controlling. I would like to make your life easier and I don't want to stress you out.

If you have a problem with something I'm doing, you can just tell me. I'm not going to get mad about anything unless you yell at me or something. I would hope you wouldn't do that though. I know you are very caring and you have been gentle towards me in person. I avoid confrontation as much as possible because I don't like fighting.

I think it's kind of funny how we both sit in our rooms alone all the time. I don't understand why we can't sit together in OUR room. I think it would be more enjoyable than having to stalk each other on the internet. It isn't good for either of us. I also want you to know that I believe in you and I love you.

Anyway, it has been a long day. I don't want to stay up too late since I woke up too early because I couldn't stop coughing. Sometimes my acid reflux causes me to have coughing fits in the middle of the night. It doesn't happen as often as it used to but it's annoying when it does. If I go to the doctor, they will probably just put me on a PPI again and last time it hurt me more than it helped me. I got put on omeprazole for gastritis about 6 months before I got my kidney infection that caused sepsis. I read a study recently about how proton pump inhibitors can increase the risk of infections and suppress the immune system. They can also increase the amount of E. Coli bacteria in the body which is the strain of bacteria that caused my infection. I am going to stay far away from that stuff.

Work wasn't very exciting. I wasn't that busy and my cases should have been done at 3 but they added another one for 5 so I had to do other things for 2 hours while I waited. I only had to stay 30 minutes late. I suppose I shouldn't complain because I got off at 4 yesterday. I don't have any cases in the morning tomorrow. Thursday might be busy unless the weather gets bad again. I am planning on getting groceries tomorrow after work just in case.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm just rambling now. I don't really want to make food because I ate a lot earlier. I have some blueberry muffins I need to eat before they go bad so I will probably have those and some other snacks. I will probably get ready for bed after that because I'm already having trouble keeping my eyes open. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a great day tomorrow too!!! 💖💖💖

[angels-and-demons]

Incorrect quote!

Tw for mention of mental health and panic attacks

Nico: Toby, what are you doing here, and-! Who is this? What even is this place?!

Toby: Nico, if you could just-!

Mira: Tobias, it's okay. You're in a safe place here. And Nico? Stop pressuring him. He can't answer if you keep doing that.

[Nico closes his mouth and falls quiet. Mira nods]

Mira: thank you. Now, Toby?

[Toby takes a deep breath]

Toby: Nico, Doctor Baudelaire is my therapist. She helps me with my mental health.

Mira: Toby has been seeing me twice a month for the past few years. Sometimes more than that, but that's the baseline.

Nico: ...go on.

Toby: my normal appointment isn't for another week, but...

[Toby takes a deep breath. Nico puts a hand on his back to comfort him]

Toby: ...the other day, when I was on a job, I... had a panic attack. And... a pretty bad one, at that.

[He tries to laugh]

Toby: so... I had to see her for an emergency visit. Just to, you know, touch base and get myself sorted.

Mira: He's really quite good when it comes to our visits and his emotional regulation.

[Toby nods. Nico looks at him, concerned]

Nico: Toby... I'm so sorry. But why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you-!

[Toby groans. He rubs his face with his hand in frustration. He has a few jerk-like tics and makes a popping sound with his mouth]

Mira: Toby, remember: we use our words.

Toby: right, doc. Anyway...

[He turns to Nico]

Toby: Nico... babe, I didn't tell you because whenever I had one previously, you'd just... treat me with kid gloves.

Nico: what? No, I didn-!

[Mira holds a hand up]

Mira: Nico, this is Toby's time to talk. You’ll have your turn. Let him do so.

[Nico nods]

Nico: right, sorry. Go on, Tobes.

Toby: ...thank you. As I was saying... when I told you about them before, you'd just... act like I was fragile - as if I'd break if you even touched me wrong. And so... I just didn't.

[Toby sighs. He knows what he's done is kinda fucked up]

Toby: whenever I'd have one - and you weren't around? - I'd phone Mira and have a session. I'd just... bottle it up and not let you know.

[Nico's eyes well up. Toby looks shocked]

Toby: Oh, babe... no, I'm so sorry...

Nico: honey... I've been worried about you for months. I was terrified that you'd... started... again. Or if, you know, you were coming off of your meds for some reason. Or - whatever. I don't know. And it's been driving me crazy.

Toby: it has?

Nico: every night, Tobes.

Mira: Toby, now you talk.

[Toby takes a deep breath]

Toby: I understand that you have been... concerned about me. And I apologise for not telling you sooner...

[Mira nods. Toby goes on]

Toby: ...but, I cannot deal with you patronising me - or, or making me feel like I'll break if you say the wrong thing.

Nico: Okay. I'm sorry for... Well, for making you feel like that. I... I don't see you as this, this... breakable thing. I just... I love you, Toby. And I want to keep you safe.

Toby: I love you too, babe. But, I've had panic attacks before, and I'll very likely have them again.

[Toby takes another deep breath]

Toby: I don't need you to protect me from them. I just need you to help me feel present when I do have them. I need to feel heard, not just seen.

Mira: this is good. Really good. I feel like we've really started a dialogue here. Now, Mister Di Angelo, if you will: I, for one, would adore finishing my session with Toby.

[Nico looks at Toby. Toby grins nervously]

Toby: I won't be too long.

Nico: alright.

Mira: Oh, and if you just have a word with Cookie - up at the desk, I can try and squeeze the two of you in for a couple's session next week.

Nico: couples session? Like, counselling? Isn't that for, like, failing marriages?

Mira: Oh, heavens, no. Look, couples therapy and couples counselling can help you both keep on top of your mental healths. It provides you with a safe space to discuss your feelings, and a third party to allow for any outside opinions. Even my husband and I have our own counsellor. It just... helps make sure you're both on the same page, alright?

Toby: alright, Doctor B!

[Nico nods]

Nico: Yeah, alright.

[Toby pecks Nico on the cheek]

Nico: see you in... half an hour?

Toby: maybe even less.

[midwestblue]

it feels like my life begins and ends in my childhood home, in my childhood room. Reliving the same couple moments over and over and over. It's been nearly 10 years. I kept telling myself I'll move on eventually, I'll keep going, but truthfully ive been stuck in that room for so so long. Longer than I realized, it seems. I guess I didn't notice how I actually haven't moved on, ive been trapped for half my life in that fucking room going through the same abuse that I went through when I was a little child. I dont want to do this anymore. I've wasted my life away. I want to be able to move past the memories, I want to live my life in the moment. I dont understand why its so hard for me, I dont understand why it took me so long to realize that no, most people DONT think about something terrible that happened to them ~10 years ago everyday of their lives! No, most people dont have panic attacks about it so often that they dont even realize its a panic attack anymore. It just feels normal. No thats not fucking normal!! idk why it took me such a long time to figure out its fucking ptsd I just didnt want to believe it. what I went through wasn't even bad. other people have gone through so much worse and never turned out as bad as me. why did i? why am i weak? how did I not know why didnt i want to accept it. I can't ignore it. I've been trying to pretend this is normal half my life! what the fuck !! I look at my parents and I think do you remember? do you remember what you did to me? do you think about it every day? because I do. I cant fucking leave that godawful room. girlies I dont think I can lie anymore I am not normal‼️