#and then 2 years later the dude stalked the girl. started pretending to be her boyfriend unprompted! and then they had this weird

[newtness532]

i just spent an hour watching a video of 2 people reading and explaining the plot of November 9th and that book was definitely an experience....

[talisidekick]

Thanks for being so compassionate! As someone who's had to defend himself from assault pre transition and assault and attempted trafficking during transition which has contributed to some agoraphobia centered on thoughts like "damn, wasn't safe off T not safe on it", it's been rlly scary seeing ppl shrug off how transmascs are endangered in real life in service of discrediting transandro discourse. Cool seeing who's really real I guess????? anyways hope you're well and warm. Srry about my run on sentence lmao

There is absolutely nothing to apologize for. We only get to see one side publically, and that's pretty much just trans women issues. Media likes to cover just us. I rarely see news stories about just trans men. We don't see the stories about trans men getting stalked or followed around in stores by total strangers, getting attacked in public, rarely a mention if a trans man gets killed. It's happening but you don't see it. You don't see a flood of forum posts about the constant dismissal of, unique brand of hatred around, or the types of dangers faced by trans men.

My introduction to questioning my gender was actually FROM transandrophobia. The reason for this is I've had more of a curvy figure since ... well forever, even though my body was producing T on it's own. I got A LOT of compliments on it by pretty much all my friends (which were mostly girls, and yes that probably should have been a sign but I'm a bit thick sometimes, okay?) because I was "unconventionally sexy" because of it. I'm now remembering I do have a shirtless picture somewhere from before I was on HRT ... I'll work up the nerve to show that at some point to prove that point. Anywho, because of this, a random ass stranger had been following me as I went to grab a few things from a walmart after my shift. It was weird as fuck. Uncomfortably close, constantly looking at me but not what they were pretending to, and I kind of knew this dick was waiting until there was no one in the aisle before pulling something. I'd been mugged before at 14 and 15 so at 24 I was kind of like "I'm not getting stabbed in a damn Walmart" and just made sure to be quick. I got out of the store and met up with some old work friends and just let them know someone was following me and I wanted to wait them out. Props to my friends at the time, they bullseyed the dude (to be fair he wasn't being stealthy) and called him out. And he yelled back "You'll never be a real man" to me. My friends laughed at him because as far as we all knew, I was cis. But this would happen two more times in the same week. A lady would tell me I shouldn't be doing "this" to myself with a full body gesture, and that god "loves" me; and a college colleague flat out dismissed my concerns on something because "only a real man would need to worry about that". It got me wondering if this was a new fad, to hate on someones manliness, and upon looking that up I learned about what exactly transgender meant, the experiences of trans men and women (just a bit on women, my concern was on trans men at the time), and thought it was kind of cool there were people who'd know two sides to the gender spectrum. But it must SUCK to have to go through the bullshit I did and actually be affected by it. Like, no one has any right to tell another man they're less of one.

This whole situation would actually come back to help me 2 years later in finding myself. I'd only really looked up trans men and curiosity mid covid lock down would lead me to look up non-binary and then trans women. However, transandrophobia is how I, a trans woman, got her start. So it boils my blood when I see people talk about T being toxic or trans men having it easier. It shows a complete lack of understanding and a lack of acceptance and willingness to empathize. Trans men and trans mascs have different issues, that doesn't make them lesser, and while those issues may not affect me, it doesn't make it less of my problem to help deal with where I can. I know certain issues I'll have no experience on, no idea how to help, but that doesn't mean I can't still offer to be support. Everyone should be doing the same, and shame on those who aren't.

You deserve equal treatment and support in your fight for it, not dismissal. Those that dismiss the issues of trans men aren't allies, they're transphobes. And fuck transphobes.

[hello-nichya-here]

How NOT to write romance - How I Met Your Mother edition

Warning: long-ass post and lots of bitterness over a TV show that ended nearly eight years ago.

Basics for story-telling

If the romance you want to write is dysfunctional, fucking embrace it and have fun with the concept instead of pretending the bad shit the characters do is okay because “it’s true love”

Acknowledgde that your main character has flaws instead of acting like he is a saint who can do no wrong for no reason other than “he is the main character. Definitively don’t make him do, of his own free will, the exact exact same things the supposedly “selfish and cruel” womanizer does and then excuse it as him having “succumbed to/been tricked by a bad influece” like he’s child who doesn’t know any better instead of being a grown ass adult.

Don’t make your characters be annoying, entitled fuckers who think they have the right to judge others for wanting different things out of a relationship/not wanting a relationship at all. Don’t act like monogamy, double dates with other couples, marriage and children are something EVERYONE secretly wants deep down.

Don’t demonize the “evil” character of the group and act like the “heroes” being appalled by the shit he does is anything other than hypocricy. There’s literally nothing forcing them to be friends with him, so they’re obviously not as horrified at bad shit he does as they say they are, otherwise they would have ditched him a long time ago.

Don’t have the “heartless womanizer”,  who we later find out is the ex-husband of the girl the lead wanted for himself, be shown to us exclusively through the eyes of the an unreliable narrator who had motivation to make him see worse than he is likely to be (get his kids to want him to get the girl instead of the “douchebag”). Also, don’t make his schemes to trick women into sleeping with them so completely absurd and ridiculous that the audience is pretty sure that 70% of the women he banged were completely aware he just wanted a quick fuck and went along with it anyway because they wanted some dick (and because the character is played by Neil Patric Harris, who is incapable of not being charismatic)

Fucking let you characters (especially the supposed hero we’re supposed to think is the best boyfriend ever) grow instead of making them constantly repeat the same mistakes

Lily and Marshall

Don’t make one of the characters hide something very important from their partner, and then have the audacity to be mad at them for “just not understanding” as if they were given any reason to understand what the problem even is

Don’t act like someone being heartbroken that their partner lied to them and practically made a plan to “escape” being married to them means they’re not being “supportive” of said partners dream - you should especially not do that after we were shown that they took a job they didn’t like just to make sure they’d have a secure future that would allow said partner to follow their dream.

Don’t have the character who was obviously in the wrong need to be convinced to get their shit together and apologize to their ex.

If a character forgave the ex who wronged them and even got back together with them, don’t have them constantly hold their past mistakes over their head like it that problem has not already been solved - you especially not make them do that on what was supposed to be their wedding day. They can either forgive their partner or not, they can’t keep going back and forth.

Don’t have them constantly hide important shit from each other (having a huge financial debt, getting a job, etc)

DO NOT have the character who fucked up years prior suddenly be willing to do the same shit again for the EXACT same reason (”I think our relationship is in the way of my dreams and I’m now completely isolated because I refuse to talk things out with you”) and then expect the audience to sympathize with them.

Ted and Robin 

Unless you’re writing a Disney/Disney-esque romance, don’t have your lead just look at someone across the room, decide they’re “The one”, imagine their life together and full on say “I’m love with you” AND “I love you” on the first goddamn date.

Don’t have the lead stalk his love interest, and throw three parties in a row just to have an excuse to get close to her now that she made it clear she is not interested in having a relationship with him.

Don’t have the “hero” lie about having broken up with his girlfriend so the girl he wants to be with will sleep with him, and then have him blame his actions on time. “Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.” Grow a pair of balls, Ted!

If one of the characters says “You’re going too fast on the whole ‘love’ thing. Can’t we just go on a few dates and see what happens instead of already starting to plan our lives together?” and the others throws a fit, that is called “being incompatible” and “damn, this dude doesn’t respect boundaries”, not “Wow, she’s so afraid of commitment”

If you want the audience to believe the main character’s feelings are not one-sided, don’t make the fact that said feelings ARE unrequited a running joke, and don’t have the girl only accept giving him a chance after having to deal with the fucker whining “But I love you” for months and/or after going through bad break ups. Also, if you have to retcon half the fucking show to “proove” that “she DOES love him”, that pairing fucking sucks.

Don’t compare the couple you want the audience to root for to the main character’s divorced, dysfunctional parents, and don’t have flashbacks showing that the lead had no clue what his girlfriend actually liked in bed AND that she literally covered up his face so she could pretend she was fucking someone else.

DON’T MAKE HER GET RID OF HER DOGS, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

If your lead character is still jealous/possessive of his ex, thinks he still has a chance even after she told him to his face that she didn’t love him, and acts like she and her fiance (who he says is his friend) being happy is somehow them being selfish and cruel, your lead character is a loser AND an asshole.

Don’t throw away the entire premise of the show (Ted finding the REAL love of his life) just to force a bad pairing down the audience’s throat

Ted Mosby in general

Don’t have your “romantic, sensitive hero” break up with a girl on her birthday through an answering machine, come back into her life without warning years later because he’s afraid he’ll die alone, and find out that she never heard the message but was actually told about it by her friends and family who were at her apartment preparing a surprise party for her. You should especially not make his first reaction to this new be being mad that he was not invited to the party, and for the love of God, don’t make him break up with her on her birthday AGAIN.

Don’t have the “hero” cheat on his girlfriend and excuse it with bullshit like “Nothing good happens 2 a.m.” and “But I genuinely love Robin so it’s okay that I’m lying to both of them”. Do not, I repeat, do NOT have him blame it on his girlfriend being distant when she didn’t pick up the phone one night and then called back the second she was free to do so, while he was enjoying the gifts she sent him and LIED to her about having sent her some as well.

Don’t fucking make an entire episode with the premise of him turning a no into a yes - and telling that story to his children like it’s romantic.

Don’t have his fiance, who he knows has a rocky relationship with the father of her daughter, tell him she is uncomfortable with him inviting his ex to their wedding and then have him decide “This means I should invite her ex as well”. Also don’t expect me to feel bad for him when she runs off with said ex.

Don’t have him spend YEARS waiting for one of the hundreds of girls he thinks is “the one” to be single and even ask her neighbour to spy on her and let him know when/if she breaks up with her boyfriend - again, for YEARS.

Don’t have the lead say he’s gonna tell their kids about his love story with their DECEASED mother, only for it to secretly be an excuse for him to go “By the way, I’m still in love with aunt Robin despite her having rejected me for 25 years, can I go screw her?”

Don’t act like making the characters reverse back into who they were at the beginning at the story means they’re gonna make things work this time when the whole point of their break up in the beginning on the story was the fact that they’re just not right for each other.

Robin and Kevin

A therapist who was supposed to help their patient move on after a bad break up that messed them up, dating said patient is a major red flag. It is also a bad sign that, when she cheats on him and wants to break up, he realized what she was doing to used his job as “evidence” that he knew better and that she should NOT tell her partner how she felt/what she actually wanted.

Do NOT have said therapist date yet ANOTHER patient that asked him help to move on from a bad break up. Seriously, Kevin was a creep, stop acting like he was some angel who “deserved better than Robin.”

BONUS: How NOT to break up a couple - Barney and Robin edition

Don’t act like their relationship falling appart after their friends kept meddling, and even kept them locked in a room against their will until they labeled their relationship as something they aproved of, is somehow “proof” that they’re not good for each other.

Don’t retcon their relationship to force a break up (seriously, Barney was super supportive of Robin long before he even fell in love with her, but I’m supposed to believe he’d be a bad boyfriend who is never there for her? And he loved advantures and always said “challenge accepted”, but was suddenly miserable travelling the world with her and couldn’t deal with not having wi-fi at the hotel? Fuck off)

Don’t spend an entire season focusing on their wedding, have them get married and then divorce THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE! Why do you hate your audience? Even people who don’t want them together can see this a terrible idea.

And most important of all, when people question what the fuck were you thinking, don’t have a meltdown on twitter and say that people who think Barney can change are responsible for Donald Trump being elected, you fucking weirdo, go see a therapist (that isn’t like Kevin)

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 10

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

"Having you close My head is damaged I get closer, everything trembles me

Now I have the certainty That I have not lost the desire Wake up with you in the morning But I'm looking for your gaze And your eyes, baby, don't tell me anything."

Nuestro Planeta by, Kali Uchis Featuring Reykon. Translated lyrics.

Jasper, Jacob, and I were all standing in a large field awaiting the arrival of Bella and Edward. The very field we were standing in would be the battleground between us and the newborn army.

"Hey, le... Fleur?" Jacob asked."

"Hmm?"

"Why haven't your diluted eyes at all? They still look like a rose." Jacob observed.

"I mean it hasn't been a full year yet."

"Yes, darling but... they should've at least diluted a little by now, amber should start to peak through." Jasper added.

"That's strange...I haven't had any human blood I swear."

"Yeah right..." I heard Jacob mumble.

"Oh shove it, Jacob, at least I'm not in the middle of a toxic, manipulative, love triangle."

"Can it leech. You know nothing about Bella."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Before Jacob could rebuttal, Edward and Bella finally showed up. Edward didn't look thrilled at all and Bella had a blank look on her face.

"I don't like this idea at all." Edward grumbled.

"And we need you for the fight but you aren't coming to that so...tough, get over it." I rebutted.

"Leave him alone Fleur...he's doing it for me. Bet Jasper hasn't done that for you." Bella said a dreamy look was in her eyes.

"Uh...he didn't have to, because I didn't cause chaos where ever I went and didn't piss off nomads you dumbass." I heard Jasper let out a short laugh.

"Wait, pretty boy isn't fighting, aww did you pull a muscle?" Jacob mocked.

"Can we get on with this... I wanna be anywhere but here." I interrupted.

"Whatever, just tell me the plan." Jacob said.

"Edward and I are going on a campsite, even if he carries me they’ll still pick up our scents." Bella explained.

"Your stench, however, is revolting." Edward interrupted

"Dude, you really don’t wanna start comparing stinks." Jacob snapped

"What he means is that your scent will mask mine if you carry me," Bella said.

"Done."

"This is not a good idea."

"You've already established that Edward," I said.

"Edward, they won’t wanna get anywhere near his... odor." Jasper carefully.

Jacob picked Bella up before saying... "Odor-de-wolf comin’ up."

Edward glared at me when Jacob was gone. Jasper noticed this and tensed up.

"You need to stop talking to her like that!"

"Like what? Truthfully, honestly?"

"It's not truthful it's insulting!"

"Dude...have you been living without any of your senses? The amount of shit she has said and done to me is a lot more disgraceful than how I am acting. Like I am petty, I know I am, but her pretending to be all innocent is hilarious."

"Oh please..."

"Okay so when she insults me and brings up that my mother completely hates my guts it's fine but when I rebuttal it's like I'm opening the gates of hell huh?"

"You don't know anything about her... she isn't malicious!"

"You sound just like Jacob."

"Don't even compare me to that...fleabag."

"What are you gonna do about?" I said he then got up close to my face, he looked like he was going to hit me.

"Don't test me Fleur... I will put you in your place if I have to."

"I'd love to see you try...boy." Jasper said getting between the two of us.

Edward snarled at us and walked away, stalking off to the far side of the field.

"Man... being a vampire has definitely amped up my attitude. Good thing you're here to stop me from doing something stupid." I joked.

"I think you're spending too much time with Rosalie darlin." Jasper said, smiling at me.

"This whole love triangle thing makes me want to set myself on fire. I kinda feel bad for Jacob...I know she's just manipulating him."

"I wouldn't put it past her darlin."

"I really wish we didn't have to do any of this...we should be getting married right now... not fighting a battle they could possibly be getting us killed." I confessed.

"Well one, we just have to wait until November... and two we will be fine, we've been training all this time."

"I know but...it's still a terrifying thought, this is the first fight I've ever been with another vampire."

"Did you forget about James love?"

"Well... with me as a vampire."

"You're going to be fine... Alice told me the vision she had of you fighting James, you cracked his skin by throwing a rock.... if you're that strong as a human I'm scared to see what you can do as a vampire."

"Okay, okay... stop trying to boost my ego." I said smirking, I pulled him in using some of my strength. I kissed him before pulling apart, biting his lip to tease him."

"You're cruel darlin, just cruel... Oh forgot to say something..."

"What is it?"

"Bella and Edward got engaged."

"Oh my god... are you serious?"

"Yeah, and Alice said they planned on eloping in Vegas."

"She must be really angry with those two..."

"Actually, she isn't really that mad."

"Okay, what happened to Alice?"

"I think she's starting to get a little... annoyed with Bella."

"It was bound to happen... Dad is going to kill Edward."

Edward ran toward us again and told us to be quiet. Before I could ask why Bella and Jacob came back into view.

"Well Jasper and I will do a quick sniff check... you three can stay here and.... mingle." Before they could protest we took off into the woods.

"The stench is revolting."

"It is pretty bad."

"I can't make up any Bella though, so the plan worked."

We quickly ran back down to the field, both of us had stepped down off of a broken tree laying on the ground.

"Just picked up wolf stench, no Bella." Jasper stated

Timeskip: 2 hours later

I was waiting for Alice in the Cullen's house, knowing that Alice told dad we were all going on a camping trip. I thought it would be good if we all hunted before the battle to power up. I needed all the strength I could get.

"I swear if Bella and Edward do anything in our room I am going to kick Edward to the moon." I grumbled.

"Don't worry Fleur...I'm sure Edward won't do anything." Jasper reassured, a guilty look was on his face, however.

"You threatened him didn't you?" Not buying his innocent act.

"Yes, yes I did."

"Alright everyone, we can go!" I heard Alice say outside, Dean, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, and I all made our way outside quickly.

Timeskip: 6 hours later

"Damn Emmett, at this point you're going to put bears into extinction."

"Serves them right short stack."

"Dude I am 5'9, that's pretty tall for a girl."

"But pretty short for someone who's 6'5."

"Oh shut it and hit your head in the doorway again."

"Darlin, if he keeps doing that the support beams are going to give out in the house." Jasper added.

"Nah they'll be fine, he's as tall as a support beam." I joked.

"Can't wait to kick some newborn-vampire ass," Dean said, jumping up slightly in excitement. Alice giggled and wrapped her arms around him

"Are the newborns still making their way to the field Alice?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes, they should be here at 5:15 pm tomorrow."

"We'll be ready," Carlisle said.

"You guys go ahead in, I need some quiet. I'm going to try and track Victoria."

They all nodded and went inside, I saw them all however observing me through the glass walls."

I got into my trance, rolling my eyes behind my head and I was flying through the city once again. I stopped in an underground tunnel, the likes of which was located in Seattle. I finally found her, she was talking with that man that turned me... the name I finally found out to be Riley Biers.

"You’re not coming with us?" He asked angrily.

"It’ll be a last-minute decision. I told you how it works." Victoria replied she seemed bored.

"The Cullen’s have powers according to one of your friends," Riley said skeptically.

"Yes, my friend told me... my DEAD friend. Don’t underestimate them, Riley. One of them made me have hallucinations of my friend. You’ll have the numbers, but they’ll be able to anticipate your every move. You don’t trust me do you?"

"I trust you with my life. I’m just saying…"

"I’m doing this for us so that we can feed without their…retaliation and I can’t live in fear anymore waiting for them to attack."

"I won’t let them. I’m going to end the Cullen clan. I swear."

I broke out of my trance before I could get anything else out of the conversation. I rushed inside, eager to tell them what I found.

"It was Victoria guys!" I said.

"What? I would've seen it." Alice replied.

"She was hiding behind that kid, Riley... She's letting him lead the army to us..."

[let-it-raines]

another kind of green (2/?)

Emma Swan spends her days in pretty white dresses and heavy layers of makeup. Day after day and dress after dress, she poses for pictures and acts like she’s in love and having the happiest day of her life with the man standing next to her.

It’s not. This is all a gig, and at the end of the day, she’s no longer the girl in the pretty dress who’s faking getting married for a magazine cover or a wedding convention. Instead, she’s the girl who probably never wants to get married.

Little does she know, she already is.

Rating: Mature

a/n: things get explained a little more in this chapter, I promise ☺️

For the lovely @xemmaloveskillianx​ as part of my fic giveaway. Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke​ for reading over this for me!

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 |

-/-

“Your husband, love.”

Emma blinks at him, far more than what’s considered normal most likely, and he really should have introduced himself in a different way.

Or reintroduced himself if the look on her face is any indication.

Killian isn’t entirely sure of the best way to go about this, obviously. It’s been years since he felt awkward around a woman, but this isn’t exactly a simple situation where he walks up to a woman at a bar, offers to buy her a drink, talks to her and dances with her for an hour or so before they head back to one of their apartments.

This isn’t a situation where he loves a woman, has her love him in return, and then has her leave the engagement ring on the kitchen counter before she disappears from his life.

This is…different.

Obviously.

And all of the words he rehearsed on his drive here completely slipped his mind and are probably back in Vegas instead of Boston. That’s about three-thousand miles away, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get them back.

“Oh,” Emma laughs, but it’s most definitely a pity laugh. “You’re the guy who played my husband at that thing. The – ”

“The wedding convention, yeah, but also I –  ”

“Wait,” Emma starts, closing her front door so that he can only see half of her face now, the worried confusion turning into actual worry, “what the hell are you doing here? How do you know where I live?”

“You gave me your address.”

“I would not have done that.”

“You did.”

“I did not.”

Killian sighs and reaches his hand around his back to dig in the back pocket of his jeans to find the crumpled piece of paper that Emma gave him the night they met. “Look, it’s got your name and number on it, and there’s a little scribbling of –  ”

She opens the door so that she can snatch the piece of paper out of his hands, reading it with squinted eyes before they widen until they’re almost comically big. She doesn’t have on makeup like she did that day, but the green of her eyes is still so vibrant. “I’d say you’re a liar, but this is my handwriting. I only wrote Boston, though. I didn’t write my address. And look, dude, as good as the sex was, I’m not going to sleep with a one-night stand again, especially if that someone is creepy enough to show up at my door. So, goodbye, or something like that.”

And with that, Emma slams the door in his face until it shakes in its frame.

Of-fucking-course.

This most likely would have gone better if he’d not decided to joke around at first, but to be fair, it wasn’t a joke.

Sighing, Killian reaches his hand up to knock on Emma’s door once more. He would give anything not to be here right now. He’s got about twenty other things he needs to be doing today, but he can’t do most of them until this is over.

“Love,” he yells through the door when she doesn’t answer. “Swan.”

“I will call the cops on you,” she shouts back.

Irony is everywhere, he thinks to himself.

“Funnily enough, the cops are the reason I’m here in the first place.”

There’s a clatter inside the apartment before he can hear the chain on her door being pulled, and then the door is opening with the chain still attached so that he can only see half of Emma’s face. He thinks she’s even more beautiful than he remembers her being, which is pretty much impossible since he remembers her being the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen.

There is just something about the emerald of her eyes that he can’t quite forget.

“What the hell are you talking about…”

“Killian Jones,” he fills in, realizing that she likely doesn’t remember his name. She remembers they slept together, though, and he’s relieved over that for a myriad of reasons. They both drank a lot of champagne that night, and he doesn’t want to be sleeping with someone who is too drunk to remember it even if he’d had the same amount to drink. “And look, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a lunatic, but two weeks ago, we got married.”

“We got fake married. I know we had a lot of champagne, but none of that was real. You know that, right? It was all pretend and scripted and still super weird.”

How the hell is he supposed to explain this when he can’t quite explain it to himself?

“I do know that, love,” he mumbles, scratching behind his ear and then reaching into his coat pocket. He really should have put all of this stuff into a folder instead of every pocket he has. That’s what Liam would have done in a situation like this. Well, no, Liam wouldn’t have gotten himself into a situation like this in the first place. “Take a look at these, if you’d please, and then give me five minutes to explain everything. We can keep talking here, or we can go to a coffee shop and talk so you’re more comfortable.”

Emma glances up at him, taking him in, before she reaches her hand forward and takes the pictures. “If these are dick pics, I will call the cops. I have no hesitations.”

“I can assure you they aren’t.”

She huffs, but then she looking down at the handful of photographs. Her face morphs from annoyed to nothing to utter disbelief. He watches it all happen while knowing that he made the exact same faces while seeing these pictures for the first time.

Well, nearly the same faces. He thinks it might have taken him longer to figure out what exactly is in the pictures.

“Are we getting married by an Elvis impersonator in these pictures?”

“Aye.”

“And they’re real pictures? They’re not photoshopped or anything as part of your arrestable stalking offense against me?”

“They’re real.”

“Like, are they real as in we took them as a joke or real as in we got married in Vegas like we were in a bad romantic comedy?”

“Both?”

“Is that a question?”

“It was an answer.” He doesn’t know much about the lass, but he’s pretty sure she’s about to punch him in the throat if he doesn’t start explaining things soon. “Listen, Swan,” he starts, holding his hands up and plastering what has to be the most unconvincing smile on his face, “I’ve known about this for a week, and this is as far as I’ve gotten with how that night went. We worked all day, got tipsy on free champagne, went back to my hotel and had sex because we both wanted to, and then we proceeded to drink all of the complimentary alcohol until we were drunk off our asses and wandering around Las Vegas applying for a quickie marriage license and then getting married by a quite frankly awful Elvis impersonator So yeah, like a bad romantic comedy, as you’d say.”

He expects the slamming of the door in his face. He really does. He would slam the door in his face too if he showed up at a practical stranger’s apartment spewing this nonsense, but it’s still a shock when all of the sudden he can no longer see Emma’s face and all he can hear is the loudest screaming of the word “fuck” that he’s ever heard in all of his years of life.

Killian had nearly the same reaction when he found out he was married because the Boston PD told him that he’d lied and failed part of his background check because of it.

He’d said it even more loudly when he got home to his apartment later that day and found an envelope mailed to him by the wedding chapel full of pictures from his wedding.

Talk about timing.

What happens in Vegas inevitably does not stay in Vegas, and whoever allowed them to get a marriage license – a legitimate one at that – and then get married while drunk off their asses should be fired from their job. They’re either better actors than they have any right being or the clerk did not care that they were far from sober.

How does he not remember? How does Emma not remember either? They weren’t drunk when they slept together, but they were easily on their way after. And then…what made two practical strangers decide that getting married was a good idea? Was it the fact that they were both attracted to each other? Was it the lore of Vegas and all of those goddamn clichés? Maybe it was the fact that they’d spent the entire day pretending that it was the happiest day of their lives, and all of those thoughts and the falsities of the day seeped over into their thoughts and lead them to a chapel.

He’s never been black-out drunk in his life, despite the times where he was damn near close after Liam’s death and Milah leaving him, and now he never wants to do that again.

“Swan,” Killian sighs, knocking on her door again, “I understand that you’re likely in shock. It’s a lot to take in, but I really need you to talk to me about this so we can figure out how to get it reversed. I think we should be able to get an annulment, but I haven’t actually talked to a lawyer yet. I was waiting to talk to you first.”

There’s no answer. He’s probably never going to see her again.

But then the door is flinging open, and she’s walking out of her apartment with her purse slung over her shoulder and her keys in her hand so that she’s locking the door behind her. “I’ve got a dress fitting in ten minutes, and my manager will kill me if I miss it. So if you have something else to say, you’ve got the seven minutes it takes me to get to the shop to say it.”

Killian is chasing after her now, using his longer strides to catch up to him as she practically power walks out of her apartment building and out onto the streets of Boston, and even though she must want to know more about the fact that they are husband and wife (bloody hell is that still perplexing to think about), she is obviously itching to get away from him.

So he attempts to explain everything as best as he can. He relays his memories of the night, trying to fill in some blanks with her, and while she says she remembers them sleeping together and then deciding to go get something to eat afterwards, everything else is a hazy mess for her. There’s some memory of wandering around various hotels on the strip, but she chalked that up to a foggy dream that she soon forgot.

It was real.

And so is the fact that he only does the modeling stuff to pay the bills and that he’s trying to be hired by the Boston PD, and when he tells her that, she turns around and runs her eyes up and down his frame.

“Oh, you want to be a cop? Is that what’s up with the shorter haircut?”

“What?”

“Your hair is shorter than it was. It’s a neater cut. It was kind of long two weeks ago, and I don’t know, most cops have shorter hair even if yours is a little longer at the top.”

“Why, love,” he teases, leaning into her space, “I thank you for noticing. Couldn’t help staring at me, could you?”

“You wish.”

“Aye, I do.”

Emma huffs and turns away, returning to her quick pace. Yep, he’s definitely always going to be chasing this woman if he hopes to get anything accomplished.

“Listen, Swan, I know this must be confusing, but I’d really like to get all of this handled as quickly and as easily as possible, and I need you to come to my precinct where I’m trying to get hired and explain to the officers that I didn’t lie about being married. I simply didn’t know that I was, but in a way, I’m relieved that we both live in the same city. That’s convenient.”

She comes to a stop in front of a store with a row of wedding dresses, and he nearly plows into her before stopping himself. From the roll of her eyes and her arms crossed over her chest, he can tell she’s not amused. “What’s your district?”

“A-1. It’s – ”

A smile curves onto her lips, but it disappears just as quickly. “I know where it is. Arrange a meeting with your commanding officers or whatever, and I’ll come meet you there. Then we can figure out how to get this marriage annulled because no offense, but I’d rather not stay married.”

“How do you want me to get in touch with you?”

“You have my number, Jones. You can use it. I’d prefer that to you showing up at my door again.”

At that, she’s turning on her heels and walking away from him and into the dress shop. Killian’s got no clue what the hell just happened or if he actually solved any of his problems. All he knows is that it’s over with, and he’s craving a glass of rum.

One he likely shouldn’t have given the situation he’s in, and really, he should probably channel all of his frustration into a run or something like that. He can pass all of the physical portions of his training exams, but he’d like to stay on top of things so he doesn’t fall behind.

His phone rings in his coat pocket, and Killian pulls it out to answer the call. “Hello?”

“Where are you?” Ariel hisses out.

“Back Bay. Why?”

“You have a meeting with the boat tour company over their ads in twenty minutes.” “Shit. I do, don’t I?”

“Yep. How did you forget that? You never forget anything.”

“Ah, I don’t know, A,” he lies, turning on his heels and starting a quick jog back to the garage where his car is parked. “I’m stressed over my interview and all for the department, and all of my other gigs have slipped my mind.”

“You’re going to kill it. Don’t be stressed.”

“That doesn’t help.” “Yeah, well, neither does you missing appointments when this is how both of us are currently getting paid.”

“You have other clients besides me.”

“Yes, but not all of my clients are the younger brother of my husband’s best friend.”

Killian’s heart pangs, but he knows it’s true, and it’s what has him running like a madman through the streets so he’s not late for this appointment where all they’re going to do is look at his face and decide if it can sell people on taking boat tours around the city. It may be the vainest job in the world, but a job is a job.

At least for now.

One day, just like this damned accidental marriage, it will come to an end, and Killian will be able to move on with his life like he’s wanted to for years now.

Or at least he can hope.

-/-

-/-

Tag list: @xemmaloveskillianx​ @stahlop @shardminds @carpedzem @captainsjedi  @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @kmomof4 @tiganasummertree @xellewoods @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @shireness-says @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @a-faekindagirl @ultimiflos @jamif @dreameronarooftop15 @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke  @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @ultraluckycatnd @cs-forlife @andiirivera @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @mariakov81 @spartanguard @snowbellewells @therealstartraveller776​ @onepunintendid​

You can be removed or added at any time! ❤️

[katieamazeballs]

DWTS Live Tour Recap 2020

Whew....this day has been a doozy between lack of sleep and a weird ass day at work.  This years tour was a vastly different experience than in the past because Mother Nature is a raging beeotch.... but it was still so amazing!  Details below the break to save y’alls timelines some grief. 

We started off our day at work and school.  I had known, and bitched extensively, about the 100% rain outlook but it was pretty sunny all day.  I picked Abs up at early release and I swear to you...the second the car door shut, the sprinkles started.  Because of course it did.  We got ready and went for some lunner only to be caught in INSANE traffic.  Fun fact, Floridians can’t drive in the rain and there was a fatal accident on a major bridge that shut it down and made traffic a nightmare.  No biggie though, because it was nasty out and we knew they weren’t just going to be wandering downtown so we were in no rush.  We got downtown about 4 and we started wandering. 

(Gratuitous bus pic)

We stopped and chatted with the nicest security lady who, bless her heart, was sitting there between the buses huddled under a golf umbrella.  She said she hadn’t seen anyone in quite a while (probably because they were inside teaching the show to Keo) but that if we had been there at 7am they were all outside chillin and going to work out and such.  We did a lap then stood under the awning at the front of the arena for a bit. 

(Why is she so weird?)

During our laps we saw Keo (who was limping something fierce...like I wasn’t sure he was going to make it up the steps to the arena limp...looked like he pulled a hammy) but due to the sprinkling and the running buses he either didn’t hear us or pretended to not hear us.  We also saw Val, possibly Jenna (hood was pulled over her to her eyes), Daniella, and Wit.  Everyone but Wit was doing the mad dash into the arena from the buses.  Wit was in full hair and makeup and talked to Abs for a second as she was entering her bus...Abs didn’t ask for a picture because Wit clearly wanted to get into the dry and not mess herself up.  We did a couple more laps then standing under the awning loops then met up with @loveisstatic​. 

(Poor sweetheart bore witness to Savage being savage most of the night.) 

We decided to take a lap but didn’t see anything....sigh.  After a pretty epic battle over the fact that Haley said she also “liked” Alan....as in, he’s a good dancer, which “someone” took as “Imma steal your man”. 

We went in the arena and went to the merch table where Abs refused a tour tshirt because Hannah was on it...lol.  I was trying to get a cute pic of Abs and her 10 paddle....but home girl was trying to make sure she wasn’t standing next to Hannah ffs....

Then we went to get drinks (ha for Haley) and were very quickly let in to our seats.  Haley was actually only a couple rows in front of us, so we were able to chat before the show and during intermission.  The show is, of course, absolutely amazing!  It has a cute “theme” of driving the bus on tour and the voice overs were cracking me up.  After the Magic Mike number, Jen talks to the lady rubbing up on Val.  The poor lady clearly either has zero idea who the two of them are or has lost her senses due to all the testosterone filled sweat on her person.  Jen “You know, I recently got married”  Lady “Oh, congratulations!!!”  Jen “Yeah, that man you were just grinding and rubbing and smacking on....that’s my husband”  Lady “OMG!”  Jen “Yeah, his name is Val.  I’ll let it slide this time (then whatever the script is)”.  The lady was so embarrassed.  It was funny.  There was the absolute cutest little girl in the front row that Val came out and talked to.  She’s on the DWTS Tour story.  That section of the show was pretty awesome, actually.  I loved his speech about breaking the tv barrier and coming to do shows live to all of us who were gracious enough to invite them into our homes every Monday night.  Abs fave dance was Daddy Shark (I’ll steal her video and post it later....we can’t have enough reposts of that gem) and anything that had Alan and mine was the entire Hero section at the end where they’re wearing white (for the dancing) and Dream On (for the music).  Actually, the dance where they’re passing the key to the tour around was pretty awesome, too.  Then, it comes to intermission and Abs starts bitching about being hungry.  I told her sorry (she’s not a popcorn or nut fan and that’s all they really had) and she starts made some wildly and embarrassing comments about want candy...Alan’s candy complete with eyebrow waggles and cackling.  I think that it was at that point that our new friend decided that kid is a hot damn mess.  Jenna’s swan dive is absolutely amazing in person....mostly for the reaction it causes.  I, of course, knew it was coming but the lady next to me literally slap/grabbed her husband and whisper yelled “OH SHIT!”.  After the show, the adults in the group had to pee.  The teenager in the group just bitched that we were going to make her late to the buses.  (This is a very important fun fact for later.)  They have some weird ass security dude on tour this year who had some rule where the crowd standing (couldn’t have been more than 20 of us) had to scrunch into the space of 2 of those metal fence things as opposed to the other 57000 of them lining the buses.  Every 5 min or so, he’d waltz out and yell at us to “get on this side of the line.  No one can be between the buses”...except none of us moved after the first few times.  He was intense and a good time fun ruiner.  Kept trying to tell us that the police were going to see us standing at his one of his non approved fences (the same ones we’ve stood at for 2 other tours) and “shut the whole thing down”.  Sure, Stan.  Evenutally, he stopped fussing and Kate came out. 

She is a gem, honestly.  Super sweet and funny as hell.  Love me some her.  After Kate went in, it was cold and SOMEONE in our group had to pee (remember that fun fact....ha).  Val came out and got into the runner van and scooted off to the airport.  There was much discussion of how we knew it was him and how we knew where he was going.  Sasha came out and we talked to him and got pics. 

(Not all his selfies are hysterical gems that will be reused for all of eternity)

I gave him all my notes and Glebs drugs because we thought we were going to have to leave.  He said he’d pass them out for me.  We were deciding to leave when Emma popped out of the bus all “Which one of you gave the Benadryl to Gleb?  That was bloody brilliant!”.

We took pics with her and decided to stick around for a bit more because Abs needed  wanted to see Alan.  Thankfully, he came out shortly after and turned on the front camera flash I didn’t even know I had. 

(He also has very long arms for a good selfie angle)

After Alan came Wit and Daniella and thankfully that was it.

The grumpy security dude told us all to leave and I think everyone was ready.  We were stacked like 6 people deep having to shove up to the front for pics as the pros were like “WTF is wrong with these weirdos in Jacksonville and why aren’t they standing over at all these other perfectly decent fences”.  Like, they’d move over to the fence to the left to take pics and we’d all be like “NO!  We aren’t allowed!”.  It was cold and it was a week night and everyone was pretty much over the foolishness at that point.  What was cool about the night was I got to not only meet up with a fun tumblr friend, but there were a few of us at the buses that have started recognizing each other from other tours.  The girl Brandon pulled on stage recognized Abs and me and then I recognized a dude we’ve seen each year.  Funny story, the girl (who is a huge Derek stan) and I were talking about how pretty Gleb is (after the Benadryl thing) and she was talking about Brandon and having to touch his butt on stage.  She’s all “I mean, it’s a nice butt, but he’s just too cute to rub up on”.  She’s not wrong, he is just the cutest thing in person....just not in a sexy Daddy Shark type way.  Anyways, another tour down.  Plans to see MVPJ with a new friend and bus stalk at the “next tour” with the other bus stalkers.  Can’t wait till next time! 

[kyufiber-moved]

do you have any web kdrama recs? I'll do a trade and recommend Banana Actually- the whole series is 20 minutes long (at most) very good, digestible, and has some ~good~ kiss scenes.

i’ll check it out!! i do have lots of webdrama recs hehe ^^ i recommended most of them yesterday but here is a larger list of only webdramas !! it’s kinda long, so i put a keep reading !!

like- a korean webdrama that you can find on youtube starring kim yu an, kim kangmin (maybe, maybe not), yoo jungwoo (love after school), and seo ji hye- about a group of students who create a film club to make youtube videos and the dumb shit they get into, plus there’s some romance, betrayal, and fuckboys.- so so so so cute honestly. the dynamic between the characters of the club is so cute and funny, plus the love triangle has me wheezing. also the asshole fuckboy gets what he deserves which is super satisfying. it hasn’t finished airing yet, but so far it’s really cute

failing in love- korean webdrama  you can find on youtube starring son sang yeon (triple fling), yang hye ji, and shin yoon seop- about a group of high schoolers who deal with falling in love, crushes, rejection, etc.- ok so the summary i gave was pretty vague but that’s because any more and i’d be exposing the whole plot. there is humor and fluff but also teenage angst, and the characters are all more complex than they first appear. i would highly recommend this show !!!

want more 19- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung ha joon, sin gi hwan,  jeon yoo rim, nam yoon soo, and lee jungha- a story of 5 friends in high school. A mutual crush, a one-sided love, and a rough patch for sweethearts, all taking place right around the end their senior year- OH GOD i can’t breathe this drama is so cute. it had me squealing every single episode, and it’s very lighthearted with hardly any angst

triple fling (s1)- a short choose-your-own-ending  korean webdrama on youtube starring jung bomin, son sangyeon (failing in love), themanblk’s jeongyou, and themanblk’s eom sewoong- lee sehee accidentally becomes friends with the three most popular boys in school and ends up in a love square with them- alright im whipped for stuff like this so naturally i loved it. i also really liked how viewers could choose their own ending as for which boy she chose. there is a second season that i haven’t seen yet that focuses on another girl in ANOTHER love square (containing one of the guys from sehee’s love square) in which it shows which boy she actually did choose (and it was my favorite so . yay!)

when you love yourself (s1)- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung mingyu (sweet revenge 2) and saet byeol .- about a girl who is heavier than her classmates who struggles with self-love and self-acceptance, and along the way finds love- god. i can’t even explain how much i loved this drama. the message is wonderful and there’s no moment where she glows up and loses weight and then gets the guy’s attention or anything: he simply loves her as who she is, no matter what weight she is, and is supportive. there’s also an episode that focuses on the queen bee girl who also struggles with weight and self-love and it’s just beautiful

my woofy poofy love / my dog-like dating- a short korean webdrama you can find on youtube starring chae ji an and kim do hoon (your imagination becomes reality)- a girl who has recently been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend brings a stray dog back to her home and wakes up to find that instead of a dog, there is a man! she happens to be looking for a roommate, and so this man (who can turn into a dog) becomes her new housemate- literally adorable. female lead is stunning and the relationship is so cute and fluffy and innocent, but the kiss is steamy as hell.

ok to be sensitive (s1)- a webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim da ye and kim youngdae (extraordinary you) and others im too lazy to put- focuses on feminist issues like sexism and sexual harassment in a college setting, which each episode focusing on one particular incident and the characters dealing with it- listen so like . this show had me emotional at some points bc of how amazing the message was. it dealt with sexual harassment, sexism, how females are expected to act, stalking, pressure to have sex… etc and basically every episode was like . you can stand up for yourself. you don’t have to “take it” just bc you’re a female, etc. also there was really cute romance uwu

ok to be sensitive (s2)- season 2 of otbs, also can be found on youtube, starring yoo hye in and lee shin young, as well as others but again im too lazy to list them all- same thing as season 1, but a different cast of main characters, and set in an office workplace. (original cast makes a cameo at the end)- the issues in season 2 were definitely a bit darker because it was set in a work place, where the main characters were worried about getting fired if they stood up for themselves, but the way things were handled was really admirable imo. also the male lead in this one is ABSOLUTELY adorable

go back diary- a 4 episode webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ye ji and lee jong won (jaemin’s webdrama how to hate you)- about a boy who sees a girl at a karaoke bar (?) and instantly develops a crush on her. she then transfers to his school, and it tells the story of their love story after 10 years.- i’ll just say it right now. the whole drama was adorable except for the ending, which fucking sucked. literally was horrible. boycott episode 4 pls i was SO UPSET. otherwise, great webdrama

love after school (s1)- korean webdrama that can be found on youtube starring park so eun and yoo jungwoo (like)- about a couple who fell in love in high school and their story, told from 5 years later when they meet again- i love love love this bitch. LOVE. season 2 … we won’t speak of her lol. but season 1 is super cute and the ???? kiss at the end(ish)??? DEAD. literally anything with yoo jungwoo will destroy me but omg. it was fantastic

maybe, maybe not- a webdrama starring kim kangmin (like) and gong yoorim- a girl who can read minds and is an outside bc she knows what everyone is really thinking meets a guy that she can’t read the mind of- so fluffy. so cute. oh god. pls watch it’s so soft and cute

what to do with you- a korean webdrama - that is actually literally an ad for a facemask - starring lee hayoung and kim youngdae (extraordinary you)- saerom and geun are friends, but it feels like they’re something more. will they ever take the next step?- yeah this webdrama is super cute and that’s really all lol. also the bitchy girl in love after school is the best friend in this one oho

your imagination becomes reality- a webdrama that can be found on youtube starring oh se young, kim dohoon (my woofy poofy love), and jin ho eun- soram has a crush on a mysterious upperclassman, and wishes to see him again: she does, soon after. each time she makes a wish, it seems to magically come true. - yeah so like . it’s not a supernatural thing or anything, it’s just a cute college romance that’s basically every girl with a crush’s dream lol~! 

crushes reverse- webdrama on youtube starring kim shi eun (miss independant jieun s2) and jung hyojun- yoo somi has a huge crush on her older sister’s longtime boyfriend, and her best friend at school happens to be his younger brother- i find the beginning hard to watch bc of the second hand embarrassment i feel when i do watch it but . it has a super cute ending and the main girl reminds me of shin hye sun so much it’s wack 

how to hate you- webdrama starring nct’s jaemin, jim ji in (extraordinary you), lee jongwon (go back diary), and kim yoojin- oh miri meets her ideal type while working as a part-timer, but right before she’s about to confess, she realizes that he is her best friend’s mystery boyfriend. she asks han daekang, her new friend, to pretend to be her boyfriend for the time being. - the summary i gave was terrible but ITS RLY CUTE . also the main girl in this plays dan oh’s best friend / juda’s bully in extraordinary you and THE CHARACTERS ARE SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT DUDE . Legend. anyways its a bit cliche and we dont get any actual lip on lip action but its still cute lol

have a nice dessert! / drunk in good taste- drama special / webdrama starring kim hyanggi (sweet revenge 1; moment at 18) and kim mingyu (just between lovers ((as the crippled best friend’s anti fan turned romantic interest)))- chongnam loves desserts, and even has an instagram dedicated to taking photos of various deserts she eats. when her college life starts, she mistakes a classmate as an upperclassman, only to find out they’re the same age, and they become friends- listen . this shit was adorable. as when every single kim hyanggi drama, the kisses are cardboard flat and terrible but ! BUT ! the couple is super cute

a-teen (s1 & s2)- 2 season webdrama starring april’s naeun, shin yeeun (he is psychometric), shin seungho, kim donghee, kim soohyun, and ryu euihyun- about a group of friends who go through various troubles and grow closer as a group, as well as fall in love- ok so ... technically i haven’t even finished season 1 yet but !!! i know it’s a good show bc i did watch a lot of it !! plus in s1 episode 20 at 10:35 there’s a nomin cameo LOL SJKFSD there’s also a webdrama called “the guilty secret” i haven’t watched yet starring victon’s subin and others that is set at the same school as a-teen 1 and 2 and features the original cast in cameos !!

i have 3 boyfriends / boyfri3nds- short webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ji eun, park sungwoo (produce 101 season 2 [that 30 year old dude who danced to rain’s song OMG], moon jihoo, and lee jungsik- when la hi gets in a car accident and wakes up with amnesia she finds that she has 3 men all claiming to be her boyfriend.- OK LISTEN . this show is so funny and cute. let me just say: you MUST watch to the end. that’s all i’ll say. pLS WATCH

lily fever- a short webdrama starring kim hyeyoon (just between lovers) and jung yeonjoo (witch’s romance)- kyungju needs her passport back, which her ex boyfriend has, but it turns out he left it at a friend’s place. when she arrives, the friend is leaving but says she can go inside: just be mindful of the houseguest inside...- yeah this is lesbian as fuck . it has like . hardly any plot, has a shit ton of crackheadery, and lots of STEAMY AS FUCK kisses. it literally makes like no sense though skdfksjd but if ur in the mood for some easy to watch girl pairing stuff, this is it my dude ! 

[sleepy--cal]

hitched pt.1 | ashton

word count | 7.6k  →  fake dating, tinder, romcom au

synopsis | Ashton lies about having a plus-one for Michael’s wedding, sending his friends into an excited frenzy, and him? Scrambling to make those lies come true.

a/n | i’ve never written anything for the 5sos community before so here is my hello :3 Warning: excessive swearing bc the author has a potty mouth

★

When Ashton thought about it way back when, he really thought he’d be the first to settle down. To tie the knot. To get hitched.

But the first 5SOS wedding is coming up in August and it’s not his. It’s Michael’s - as in feet-on-the-table, milk-mustache-wearing, fortnite-until-dawn-playin’, doesn’t-wake-up-until-2pm, stray-cat-lookin’ ass Michael.

Luke has his plus-one. Sierra. Even Calum’s weekends have been spent chasing after this girl that Ashton has yet to be introduced to. Yet here he himself is at 2 months shy of 25 years of age, and he’s so fucking single he’s pretty sure he and Virgin Mary could be featured side-by-side on an expert level of a spot-the-difference game.

In fact, the last time a female even stepped foot into his mancave of an apartment was before he’d broken it off with his ex-girlfriend over a year ago. And when his ex had moved out, she’d brought all of her stuff with her and when Ashton says ‘all of her stuff’, he means all of her stuff. There’s no longer a toaster oven in his kitchen, only a microwave that he uses to heat up pizza pockets and poptarts. There are no bowls to eat from because he eats his food straight off his only pot like an 18th century caveman. There’s a lacy bra hanging off the doorknob to his bathroom but even that was a gag gift from Calum for Christmas two years ago. It’s fucking sad.

So Ashton doesn’t think it’s his fault, okay, when his phone pings and he comes face to face with the link to RSVP to Michael and Crystal’s destination wedding and the first question that comes up is “Do you have a plus one?”

Ashton scoffs.

He doesn’t know what it is - either the internalized compulsive need to one-up his friends or you know, casual demonic possession but he physically cannot control his goddamn thumb as he checkmarks the little “yes!” next to the question from hell. The panic doesn’t settle in for a little bit, even when he’s staring blankly at the ‘thank you for your response!’ message that pops up after he submits the form.

It’s only when he picks up the phone to an ecstatic Michael less than a full minute since he indicated he wanted steak instead of fish for the wedding dinner that he well and truly has his ‘oh shit’ moment.

And of course, when one person in the band knows something, everyone fucking knows. Which is how he finds himself stuck in a 4-way facetime call with every single 5SOS member and their dogs.

He can see all of Luke’s pores from how close his face is to the screen.

Everyone speaks all at once.

“Ash you’re what?!”

“Mate, why the hell didn’t you tell us?”

“I seriously had to find out from you RSVP-ing to my fucking wedding?!”

Ashton winces as he pulls his phone further from his face. “Guys it’s not that big of a deal.”

Michael scoffs at the same time Calum screams. “Not that big of a deal?! Dude!”

“What’s her name?” Luke demands like he’s asking for tonight’s weather forecast and not the name of Ashton’s fake fucking girlfriend.

“Chernobyl,” Ashton says. What the fuck.

“Chernobyl?” Luke repeats, his nose scrunching up in deep thought.

“Isn’t that the name of the nuclear power plant that-”

“It was a joke!” Ashton snaps, cutting Michael off. “I was kidding. It’s an inside joke between us.” He bullshits. “Um-”

“Aw, you two have inside jokes already!” Luke coos instead. Calum falls for it immediately, cooing alongside Luke and if Ashton’s ego wasn’t so big, he would’ve hung up the call already.

“So what is her name then?” Michael probes curiously. Ashton wants to kill Michael.

“Uh,” Ashton says intellectually. Favourite cartoon character. His grandmother’s name. The name of his childhood stuffie. The street he used to live on?? Ah, his neighbour’s cat! “April! I- yeah, it’s April.”

“Aww! Ashton!” Calum says dreamily like he’s Ashton’s mom finding out about his girlfriend and not his punk rock band member.

“She’s twenty-two,” Ashton’s fat mouth adds unnecessarily, because apparently, Ashton Fletcher Irwin is a closeted masochist and likes his grave deeper than most.

★

When management had approved of the band’s 6-month hiatus in preparation for Mikey’s wedding, Ashton never imagined he’d be spending it alone on his living room floor downloading Tinder.

But as he watches the progress bar slowly fill with green, it dawns on him that this is probably the worst decision he’s ever made in his entire life and that he should probably get psychologically evaluated for compulsive lying.

He isn’t even sure if Tinder is the right app for this, because he’s not looking for a hookup. He’s looking for a very specific 22-year old April who happens to live in Los Angeles, is open to sharing a fake inside joke with him about the tragic 1986 Chernobyl disaster, and won’t think he’s a serial killer when he asks on the first date if they want to accompany him on an 11-hour flight to Bora Bora as his plus one for his best friend’s destination wedding.

Ashton groans, falling backwards onto the carpeted floor. “Fuuuuuuck.”

The only thing that answers him is the mocking ping from his phone telling him the download is complete.

The carpet is rough under his cheek as he turns to grab at his phone, the ‘Let’s get started!’ page of the app staring innocently back at him.

It’s afternoons like these that makes Ashton wish he wasn’t such an insufferable idiot.

In no time at all, Ashton has his profile set up - his name (just Fletcher), age (24), and a couple of long-distance unrecognizable shots of himself because there’s no way in hell the tabloids are about to catch him on Tinder.

He spends the next 30 seconds swiping right furiously on every single girl that pops up because Michael’s wedding is in four months and the fitting for the groomsmen suits are tomorrow and he seriously has no time to be picky right now. He literally needs his 22-year old April yesterday.

He’s about to max out on his swiping limit for the day when a loud knock on his door startles him out of his thoughts. From his spot on the floor, he peers around the corner at the front door and when the lock doesn’t jiggle after another ten seconds, he groans and gets up to see which one of his not-bandmates have decided to show up unannounced.

When the door swings open, Lauren is staring at him from the other side with a giant luggage behind her and a raised eyebrow.

“Lauren!” He greets enthusiastically without missing a beat.

She rolls her eyes at him anyway and pushes her way past him and into the apartment. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“I did not. I even have a poptart in the microwave for you.” He insists as the front door swings shut with a bang.

Yeah... he should really get tested for compulsive lying.

“Here, let me grab that for you,” Ashton says, hauling the gigantic suitcase Lauren had brought with her, ignoring her sarcastic as you should! as he goes off to dump it somewhere in his room. While there, he shoves his dirty clothes underneath the bed and smooths out the bed sheets so Ashton can at least pretend that he’s somewhat gotten his act together since Lauren had last visited.

When he reemerges, Lauren is relaxing on the couch with a poptart in one hand and his phone in the other.

“Lauren!” He roars as he does a running dive over the back of the couch. Lauren shrieks as she drops the poptart and stumbles to the floor, carrying the weight of her brother on her back as she tries to keep the phone out of his reach. “What did I tell you about touching my things?!”

“I see Tinder, Ash!” She screams back, knocking the cushions off the couch as she shoves a sharp elbow into his cheek. “I have to tell mom!”

“Like hell you will!” He shouts as he makes a grab for the wrist holding his phone hostage. “Give me my phone back!”

“Screw off!”

“I made you a poptart!”

“So?!” Lauren retorts. “I-”

They both freeze at the sound of a loud ping. Ashton can only watch helplessly as Lauren’s eyes dart to the phone in her hands, her expression going from angry cat to sparkly eyed in two seconds flat. “You have a match!” She squeals.

“What?”

Ashton takes advantage of the distraction to snatch his phone back. Immediately, Lauren is peering over his shoulder as he swipes on the notification, watching as the words ‘It’s a Match!’ displays itself on the screen.

Underneath the words are two circular pictures - one is of the blurry ass photo of himself that he’d chosen and the other is a photo of a pretty brunette beaming shyly at the camera from behind a teacup.

‘You and Luna have liked each other!’ Tinder informs him.

Lauren shrieking into his ear is probably the single loudest thing he’s ever heard in his life, and as the drummer of a band, that’s saying something.

“She’s pretty!” Lauren squeals. Two seconds later, she mellows down as she clears her throat and punches him hard in the shoulder. “I guess you have pretty good taste. Proud of ya, Ash.” She grins.

Ashton doesn’t know how to tell her about his blind and desperate swiping spree that he went on seconds before she showed up at his doorstep, or about why he’s even on Tinder in the first place so he doesn’t and just lets CompulsiveLiar!Ashton strike again. “Thanks Laurie. Her bio’s what really got me.” He says.

He has no freaking idea what Luna’s bio says.

“Let me stalk!” Lauren exclaims and snatches his phone back before he can say anything and because Ashton can’t help but admit he’s a little curious too, the pair of them huddle on the couch together, looking at Ashton’s phone like it holds the answers to the future, which, for Ashton, it seriously might, just not in the way his sister might be thinking.

“Luna, twenty-two years old,” Lauren reads aloud. Ashton’s eyebrows shoot up at her perfect age. She scrolls further down. “Hey, she went to UCLA! I wonder if I’ve passed her on campus before.”

“Majored in developmental psychology,” Ashton reads next. “Holy shit.”

Lauren glances at him suspiciously. “I thought you’ve read all of this before.”

“I have!” Ashton says defensively. “I’m just doing a dramatic reading for your sake.”

“God, please don’t.”

They spend the next half hour combing through every bit of Luna’s bio, from the three photos she has of herself and one of her dalmatian to her biography that simply reads ‘wine and pizza and I’m all yours! Protip: +25 bonus points if you have a dog. +75 bonus points if I get to meet ‘em.’

“Borrow Luke’s dog! You have to!” Lauren begs.

“I can’t borrow Petunia!”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t! Luke might ask questions.”

Lauren squints at him. “Are you embarrassed that you’re pimping yourself out on Tinder?”

Ashton snorts and crosses his arms. “First of all, I’m not pimping myself out. Second of all, no.”

“Just tell him it’s for me then,” Lauren urges, nudging his shoulder. “Tell him I’m trying to impress my Tinder date with a cute puppy and that I’d feel safer going if Petunia was with me.”

Ashton thinks about it for a moment. Luke does have a soft spot for Lauren after all, considering the fact that Luke had always wanted a younger sibling but ended up being the baby himself in both his own family and the band, which, in Ashton’s opinion, fucking hilarious but Lauren did have a point. There’s no way Luke would say no to Lauren and her safety on a random ass Tinder date in the middle of downtown Los Angeles.

Plus, he really needs this whole Tinder shit to work out. For Mikey’s wedding. And if he gets +100 bonus points for showing off a dog that isn’t even his? Sign him the hell up.

“Okay, well, I can see your thinking face.” Lauren says nonchalantly. “So while you text Luke about Petunia, I did you the favour of sending your first message to Luna.”

Ashton chokes on his spit. “You what?!”

The sound that Lauren makes when Ashton throws himself on top of her to grab his phone back is inhuman. But the sound that Ashton makes when he sees the message is worse.

I’m told I remind people of a puppy. If you get to meet both me and my dog over pizza and wine, do I get double the bonus points? 🐶

★

His neighbour’s goddamn cat is staring at him when he wakes up to drink coffee on the balcony the next morning.

“April,” Ashton greets slowly as a warning. Previous first-hand experience has told him that the stupid orange cat did not give two shits about piping hot coffee and would lunge at him for the cup if Ashton so much as blows the steam in her general direction.

As a safety precaution, he moves a little farther away because he’s not sure if his sore neck can take a hit from the crazy cat if she lunges, especially since he was forced to fit his 6 foot long body on his two-seater couch last night, Lauren having taken over his bedroom for her beauty sleep as soon as it hit 10 o’clock.

That, and, uh, the fact that Luna had messaged him back less than five minutes after Lauren had ditched his ass in the living room and left him to his own devices. How was he supposed to continue a conversation he didn’t even start?

And seriously? If anyone in the band was the most puppy, it was Calum. What’s he supposed to do? Bring Calum too and get triple the bonus points?

Thankfully, Luna seemed to think Lauren’s bullshit was cute, replying with a “oh, definitely! 😂 guess I’ll have to double the amount of puppy treats on me”, teasingly followed a minute later by a “what breed of doggos will Oreo and I have the honour of meeting?”

And that was precisely what had kept Ashton up all night.

If you look at Ashton’s most recent search history, you’d find the following: Most popular breed of dog Most popular dog breed in Bora Bora Best looking dog breeds Most popular breed of dog for girls Golden retrievers German shepherds Golden retrievers vs German shepherds

Ashton sighs as he sips on his coffee. In the end, he’d narrowed himself down to either a golden retriever or a german shepherd, not because he thought he resembled either of those two breeds at all but more the fact that both seemed to be the most popular dogs with the ladies (in general, not in Bora Bora because that one yielded zero search results when he tried). But before he could decide which one, he’d finally passed out on the couch last night close to 4am in the morning.

A loud meow comes from his right.

“What?” Ashton asks grumpily as he looks over at April. She’s staring back at him with a stinky look on her face.

Then, he gets an idea.

“Hey April,” He calls out. “Meow once for golden retriever and twice for german shepherd.”

The bitch meows three times.

★

Lauren is laughing so hard, she has to bang her fist on the kitchen table multiple times to control herself. “Golden retriever german shepherd mix?!”

“Stop laughing!” Ashton hisses. “Eat your pancakes!”

“You mean the pancakes that I made?”

Ashton pauses. “Drink your coffee!”

Lauren’s still laughing. “I can’t believe you said a mix! Now she definitely knows you spent all night thinking about it.”

You left me out to die last night!” Ashton accuses, pointing a finger at her. “What was I supposed to do?”

“You replied this morning anyway! You could’ve waited for me to wake up.”

Ashton’s mouth opens and closes a couple times but nothing comes out. So he changes the subject because he’s mature like that. “I have to get ready for the fitting.”

Lauren snickers. “Sure.”

Calum and Luke swings his front door open right as Ashton emerges from his bedroom shamelessly in a 5sos tour hoodie and black jeans. They both give him a once-over, both looking confused.

“I thought we were going to get fitted for suits?” Luke says, eyebrows scrunched together. “Or is there a band gig tonight that I don’t know about?”

“A band gig,” Calum replies seriously. “At the wedding boutique. I thought you knew! If we perform for the boutique staff, Mikey gets a 30% discount.”

“Budgetsos,” Ashton butts in.

They finally notice Lauren when she snorts from the kitchen counter.

“Laurie!” Luke beams as the both of them go over to bear hug her and inspect what she’s eating. They don’t question why she’s eating pancakes out of a pot. Lauren offers some of her food and Calum takes it immediately, chomping over her fork for the bite. Luke takes her coffee instead.

“So you arrived here last night and you didn’t even ask us to come hang out? I thought we were friends,” Calum pouts, helping Lauren clean out her plate even though she didn’t ask. He looks like a puppy begging for scraps. “And I’m like 300% sure we make better company than Ash.”

“Hey!”

Before Ashton can say anything else, Lauren is looking over at him mischievously. “Sorry,” She snickers. “I couldn’t. Ashton and I were too busy last night setting up a daaaaaate for him.” She drags out.

Ashton chokes on his coffee. Holy fucking shit.

Luke turns to her immediately with a gleam in his eyes. “So you’ve met April?!”

“Yes!” Ashton interrupts loudly between coughs, voice raspy from the coffee in his goddamn airway. He ignores Lauren’s face that goes from evil to confused in two seconds flat. “Lauren’s met April! They both, uh, seriously love dogs and that’s all they could talk about I couldn’t get them to shut up, like at all.”

“No fucking way! Is she here?!” Calum asks, eyes wide and head whipping around in both directions so fast his curly hair looks like it’s taking flight. “Where?! Is she in your room? I want to meet her!” He asks, already sprinting into Ashton’s bedroom before he’s even finished his sentence.

“She’s not there!” Ashton hisses, running after him. “She left this morning! She had, like, you know... work! It’s a Tuesday.”

Calum visibly deflates and Ashton almost feels bad for a minute before he remembers that he can’t introduce Calum to anyone anyway, because he doesn’t actually have anyone.

Luke bounds over next, immediately taking notice of the odd state of his room - Lauren’s open suitcase at the foot of his bed, a fuzzy purple towel thrown over his bathroom door. Luke picks up a random bottle of face cream out of the many that are lying on his bed covers. “This looks like Lauren’s stuff. Didn’t your girl stay over last night?”

“Uh,” Ashton stutters, pulling an excuse out of his ass. “Yeah, they ended up having like… a girls night?”

Calum snickers. “So you got banished to the sofa?”

“Chicks before dicks!” Lauren shouts from somewhere in the kitchen.

Luke pats Ashton on the shoulder sympathetically but Ashton doesn’t feel any less shitty. There’s absolutely no way Lauren doesn’t know he’s lying now. He sighs. “Come on, guys, I have to change into better clothes. Can’t let you guys one-up me.”

“We’ll wait for you outside!” Luke waves as Calum shuts the bedroom door behind him.

When Ashton reemerges from his bedroom in a button-up and slacks this time, Luke and Calum are listening intently at whatever’s coming out of Lauren’s mouth. Ashton manages to catch the tail end of what she’s saying, something to do with hawaiian pizza and rosé wine.

“Yeah, they’re totally in love,” Lauren smiles. Luke’s smile is even wider than Lauren’s. Calum looks like he’s ready to take notes. “Kind of weird to watch my brother act all lovey-dovey in front of me, but I guess it’s kind of sweet. I can really tell she’s the one, you know?”

On their way out, Lauren pulls Ashton aside with a smile that’s way too wide and whispers, “You owe me an explanation when you get back and also your life.”

★

They make it to Rosie’s Bridal Boutique after 45 minutes stuck in traffic. It’s located in a cute little yellow brick building in the middle of the suburbs surrounded by more greenery than Ashton’s ever seen in his life. On the way there, he manages to evade Luke and Calum’s curiosity by blasting All Time Low at a ridiculous volume with the windows rolled down, letting the violent wind and the voice of Alex Gaskarth constantly try and outdo each other.

Unfortunately, Ashton knows he can’t evade shit for long as they pull up to the boutique and see Michael’s beaming face plastered to the window from the second story of the building.

“Mikey!” Calum greets as soon as the elevator door opens, bounding in like a puppy (Ashton will never stop saying that because it’s true goddammit) to drape himself all over the husband-to-be.

Michael’s already in a little bow tie and a black suit that’s getting wrinklier by the second, no thanks to Calum. He does a little wave despite the weight on his arm, “Hey guys!”

“Shut up,” Luke says as he pulls Michael in almost violently for a hug. “You’re gonna pull a ‘hey guys’ on us when we’re about to be your groomsmen?”

“Best man!” Calum shouts.

“Shut the fuck up,” Luke threatens again, voice muffled from where its pressed into Michael’s shoulder. “Get in here,” He complains to Ashton who willingly obliges and throws himself into the man pile.

The boutique staff giggle at them from where they’re standing around the room holding various pieces of Michael’s suit.

Ashton’s about to crack a joke about how Crystal’s going to be blown away by seeing Michael go from boxers filled with holes to a 4-piece suit when he swears his phone pings louder than the combined pings from the phones of Lauren and all her friends during a girls sleepover.

It’s suddenly awkward. For Ashton. Just Ashton.

Ashton knows it’s coming, but he still flinches when Michael asks, “Is that April?!”

“According to Lauren, they were being lovey-dovey last night,” Calum swoons teasingly.

“And she staaaaaayed the night,” Luke drags out.

Ashton wants to murder all of them.

Michael whistles. “You know it’s serious when the sister and the girlfriend meet.”

“Can we not talk about this right now?” Ashton complains. “We’re getting suits fitted for Michael’s wedding, guys. Be a little respectful.”

“Michael literally started this conversation,” Luke points out.

“Can I just try on my suit now please?” He says unnecessarily loudly.

Immediately, the boutique staff jump into action, pulling suits protected by plastic bags seemingly out of nowhere and ushering Ashton into an open changing room where a lady comes over with bright green measuring tape. The other boys grumble at the change in topic but oblige, spreading out and opening their arms to let the staff take their measurements.

“So I was thinking either a classic all-black colour scheme for the boys,” Michael says, tapping his chin. “Or a fancy navy blue instead. My handsome self in a full suit and you guys in suspenders. That would be hot. What do you guys think?”

“Did Crystal say anything about what she wanted?” Luke asks as he’s examining the suit they’d brought over to him.

“Nope,” Michael replies, pulling on his bowtie. “Said you guys were all mine.”

“Awww,” Calum says jokingly, grinning over the shoulder of the staff person attending to him. “That’s so sweet, Mikey. I love you too.”

Ashton snorts. “Don’t go cheating on your girl with Michael, you homewrecker.”

“Oh, yeah!” Calum exclaims, suddenly perking up. Ashton has a bad feeling in his stomach. “You haven’t met my girl yet, have you?”

“Uh, no,” Ashton replies, unsure. “Not yet.”

The smile that grows instantaneously on Calum’s face almost blinds him. “And I haven’t met April yet! So you, me, our girls! Double date, tomorrow night! You can’t say no Ash, I know you don’t have anything to do tomorrow and you’re the only one that hasn’t met her yet.”

Fuck. “Fuck!” Ashton says, laughing nervously. “I wish I could man, but I have to take care of Lauren.”

Michael snorts from where he’s lounging on the couch. “Lauren’s an adult now. Stop being overprotective. You’re probably smothering her with your axe body spray and protein shakes anyway. I bet she’s gonna go on a date herself as soon as you’re gone.”

“If you’re so worried, she can always come over and hang with me and Sierra,” Luke shrugs. “Sierra’s been talking non-stop about those sugar cookies Lauren gave us last time. And Petunia loves her, seriously.”

Ashton panics. “Well definitely not tomorrow!” Because who the fuck is he gonna show up with? Their PR manager? “Uh, what about like, next week? Or next next next next week?”

Calum ignores the second part of his sentence entirely. “Next week then!” He exclaims excitedly.

Fuck!

“I’m going to try this thing on,” Ashton says quickly, grabbing the suit closest to him before he’s all but throwing the curtain closed. As soon as he’s alone, he throws the suit aside and then can’t dig his phone out of his pocket fast enough. When he presses the home button, it shows he has one message from Tinder, from Luna. He opens it hastily.

So according to Google, you’re intelligent, athletic, playful, affectionate, and loyal? 🐶😂 Sounds almost too good to be true.

‘So let me prove it to you! May Petunia and I take you and Oreo out on a brunch date this weekend, my lady?’ He types back quickly, adding ‘my lady’ to hopefully charm the pants off her. He hopes it isn’t too soon for that. Petunia isn’t even his freaking dog.

He’s so busy chanting please say yes over and over again in his head while clutching onto his phone that it startles him when his phone pings loudly again.

Luke, Michael, and Calum start hollering from outside.

Sounds great! 😊 I’m free Saturday. Where to?

★

As soon as Luke drops him off back home, he runs up six flights of stairs back up to his apartment because if he has to wait more than ten seconds for the slow ass elevator, he’s going to lose his mind.

He scares Lauren off the couch when he barges through the front door screaming her name.

“I have a date on Saturday!” Ashton whispers through his heavy breathing, wide-eyed and sounding both smug and scared at the same time because fuck yeah, I scored this date myself but also fuck! I scored this date myself.

“What? With Luna?” Lauren asks, equally as wide-eyed from where she’d fallen to the floor. “How? You were only gone for like 3 hours!” Then her tone switches from surprised to demanding so fast, Ashton gets whiplash. “And who the heck is April?!”

Ashton straightens up immediately and clears his throat. “Yeah, so, uh, long story.”

“I’m on summer vacation right now. Cough it up.”

Ashton goes to the fridge instead where he pulls out a beer because there’s no way he’s about to tell Lauren what’s probably the most embarrassing story of his life while sober.

And then they sit on the couch like they had yesterday when he matched with Luna on Tinder except this time, Lauren’s face gets less and less impressed the more he talks.

“So what you’re telling me,” Lauren starts slowly. “Is that you’re standing in a grave that’s 10 feet deep right now because your pride and ego are bigger than your brain?”

Ashton winces. “Can’t you sugarcoat it a little bit?”

“No!” Lauren explodes, almost knocking the beer out of his hands. “Are you even interested in Luna? What if you guys go on your date on Saturday and she’s completely into you and you’re just using her so you can one-up your friends and feed your male ego?” Ashton opens his mouth to say something but Lauren doesn’t let him. “And also!” She snaps. “What if she recognizes you when she sees you? Your face isn’t exactly clear in your Tinder photos. Your face is going to be all over the news Sunday morning, I swear to God!”

“Hey, just because I’m famous doesn’t mean I can’t date.” Ashton defends.

“Yeah, but does she know? What if she doesn’t know who you are and you two get caught on your date and suddenly, her face is all over the internet too?”

Ashton winces. ”Okay, you’re right.” He pauses. “You’re also right about me leading her on.”

“Thank you,” Lauren says grumpily, crossing her arms.

“But I mean,” Ashton says in a small voice. “I’m also not opposed to finding someone new?”

Lauren sighs. “How about you and Luna go on that date on Saturday, and if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. You both wish each other well and both go on your merry ways.”

“...And if it does?”

“Then don’t get mad when I say I told you so!”

★

The days that lead up to Saturday are almost too slow.

On Wednesday, Luna had finally asked for Ashton’s number, texting him a cute puppy emoji to let him know the text was from her. On the same day, Luna had gone from calling him Fletcher to Fletch with no explanation, causing his heart rate to spike for a good twenty minutes before Lauren slapped him back to present-day reality.

On Wednesday afternoon, Ashton found himself frantically googling pet-friendly restaurants that served both pizza and alcohol. For bougie ass downtown Los Angeles, it was fucking difficult. But he’d managed to find one thirty minutes out of the city centre that had a nice outdoor patio and a menu for dogs. When he texted her the address, he got a ‘thank you for finding a place!’ back from Luna and it made his heart skip a goddamn beat because his ex had never thanked him for something like that.

On Thursday morning before the sun had even risen, Ashton had startled himself awake when he remembered he needed Petunia for Saturday. Squinting at his phone in the dark, he’d sent Luke a frantic text, reading: ‘Michael was fucking right Lauren’s going on a date on Saturday!!!!! Can you do me a huge favour and let her borrow Petunia for the day I don’t trust her SKETCHY ASS TINDER DATE’. And then Luke had texted him back not two minutes later, not even about Ashton texting him at ass o’clock, but about who Lauren was going on a date with, if Ashton knew him, why he was sketchy, and if he needed to kick anyone’s ass. He spent the next hour trying to convince Luke that they didn’t need to follow her on her date. In the end, it had turned into a she just needs Petunia goddammit Hemmings go back to bed.

By the time Saturday finally rolls around, Ashton is fucking winded.

Lauren’s still in bed (still in his bed, mind you), half asleep and bleary eyed and watching him dig around head first in the closet, mumbling to himself.

“Dude,” Lauren groans, breaking the silence for the first time since Ashton had barged in with no explanation. “This is too much action for eight in the morning,”

“Brunch is at ten and I still need to pick up Petunia!” He hisses, head popping out of a pile of clothing a moment later with two shirts in hand. “The black button-up or the blue polo?”

Lauren groans again. “What colour pants are you wearing?”

“Grey.”

“Black button-up.”

Ashton flings the blue polo back into the closet before Lauren can even finish her sentence, pulling his sleeping shirt off immediately afterwards.

“Ash, ew!” Lauren grumbles, flopping backwards onto the bed and throwing the covers over her head. Her head pops back out a moment later. “Just make sure to roll up the sleeves so you don’t look like you’re coming from a freaking business conference. And don’t button up all the way!”

“Got it!” He says hastily as he’s running out the door. “Thanks Laurie, love you, see you, bye!”

He’s already sweating by the time he gets into his car, the summer heat already at a sweltering 25 degrees celsius and rising despite it being so early in the morning. But even though it feels like Satan’s armpit, he pulls on a hoodie anyway because he’d rather die than have Luke see him dressed up in a button-up for supposedly no goddamn reason. It’s a little past 9am by the time he pulls into Luke’s driveway, Luke already standing there with an excited Petunia pulling on the leash.

He throws open the car door. “Petunia!” He greets, out of breath for no reason.

Petunia yips, panting happily and immediately trying to clamber all over Ashton’s lap as he bends down to pat at her head.

“I don’t know how useful Petunia’s going to be if Lauren’s date turns out to be a creep,” Luke says worriedly, still tugging on the leash to get Petunia to calm down. “Are you sure you don’t want us to follow her?”

“Mate, we’re both over six feet tall.” Ashton retorts. “If we follow her around, we’re both going to look creepier than her date.”

Luke squints. “How are you not worried?”

“I am!” Ashton insists. He’s lying out of his ass. “But Petunia’s a bulldog. No offense but her reputation is already scarier than any face we could ever pull.”

“Just make sure Lauren picks up the phone if you call!” Luke’s voice trails as Ashton opens the car’s passenger door and ushers Petunia inside. She settles nicely into the seat, looking up at Ashton with more love and adoration in her eyes than her owner ever did. “And take this bag!” He says, shoving a plastic bag that’s almost overflowing with the amount of shit that’s in it. “It’s Petunia’s food and toys. Tell Lauren to feed her and make sure she’s hydrated and-”

Ashton climbs into the driver’s seat and shuts the door on him.

“-And don’t forget to bring Petunia back by dinner! I swear to god, Irwin!” Luke screams through the glass. “Love you Petunia!”

The entire ride to the brunch place, Petunia just sticks her head out the window, tongue flying in the wind as she bops her head to the classical music Ashton had put on to calm himself the fuck down. The closer he gets to the restaurant, the more he feels himself getting a stomach ache. He doesn’t even remember the last time he’d felt this nervous for a date but if this doesn’t work out and he ends up going to Mikey’s wedding by himself, Calum might cry on his behalf and Luke might force him to be his and Sierra’s plus-two and as the oldest in the goddamn band, he’s not sure if he can handle that kind of humiliation.

But if this actually does work out with Luna, then he’ll just tell her the truth after Mikey’s wedding. That would be fine, right? Assuming nobody asks why the names Luna and April don’t match up.

Ashton groans. This is an entire goddamn mess.

The brunch place is packed by the time he pulls into a spot fifteen minutes before his reservation. There are dogs everywhere and Petunia’s so excited to see other beings of her kind that she’s resorted to pacing in circles impatiently in the passenger seat.

“Hold on Petunia,” Ashton groans, cutting the engine and throwing a hand over his eyes. “I’m nervous. Give me a minute.”

And because she’s the most perfect dog to ever exist (don’t tell Calum he said that), she stops pacing and starts licking gently at his hand. For once, Ashton doesn’t mind the slobber. He grins, looking down at her. “Okay, fine. Out we go then, baby.”

Before he slides out of the car, he pulls off his hoodie and puts on his sunglasses, thankfully fitting right in with all the other bougie people in their sundresses and designer purses who have time to wake up early on a Saturday for a brunch date with their dogs. He and Petunia bypass the ridiculous line, ignoring all the people who start cooing at Petunia. Thank fuck he’d made a reservation.

“Fletcher for two?” He says, trying to make his voice sound more like Fletcher Nobody Irwin and less like Ashton from 5SOS.

He tenses for a moment when the hostess pauses mid-greeting to eye him up and down. To throw her off, he gestures at Petunia who’s busy sniffing at a dandelion. “This is Monster Truck.” He introduces.

It’s then that the hostess looks at him again, decides that anybody who names their dog Monster Truck probably isn’t anybody famous and gestures behind her. “Follow me, sir. Your table is right by the water.”

Ashton lets out the breath he’d been holding when he and the hostess round the corner and he sees the only empty table on the patio, meaning Luna had yet to arrive. He picks the seat with his back facing the majority of the restaurant’s patrons. The hostess plucks the ‘reserved’ sign off the table, hands him the menu, wishes him a good time and then leaves him alone which Ashton is thankful for because he’d rather be left alone to have his panic attack by himself.

Petunia sits dutifully by his feet, drinking the water that the hostess had generously poured into a clear glass bowl for her.

Ashton is so busy trying to calm the hell down that he doesn’t notice the giant dalmatian sniffing at him from behind until its nose bumps right into where he’s most ticklish. He jumps at the same time a voice behind him squeaks, “Sorry!”

His heart has time to throw itself wildly against his chest bone exactly 1 time before he’s whipping around in his chair and coming face to face with stunning pale blue eyes. “Luna?” He breathes out, his eyes catching hers just as the words leave his mouth. Wow, okay. Jesus fuck, her Tinder photos had not done the colour of her eyes any justice.

Her unsure face transforms suddenly into a smile. “And you must be Fletcher?”

He almost does a double-take at the name before he remembers that oh yeah, he’s supposed to be Fletcher I-Eat-Brunch-With-Sunglasses-On Irwin and making a good impression right now because Mikey’s wedding. “Yeah, yes! That’s me.” His palms are sweaty and he can’t tell if it’s because they’re sitting on an outdoor patio is 30 degree weather or if it’s just his pretty date making him more nervous than his ex had ever made him.

It’s at this moment that Petunia (god bless her soul) decides to come lumbering over from her water bowl, her panting, drooly, smiling face looking up at Luna like she hung the stars (which, in Ashton’s opinion, is very fitting for her name).

“And this must be Petunia!” Luna exclaims, bending down to pat the bulldog’s head. Luna’s hand is so small it’s practically dwarfed by Petunia’s giant head. “It’s nice to meet you.” She says to Petunia and oh my god, Ashton could melt right then and there.

Instead, Oreo decides to try and sniff his crotch as Ashton tries to stand. He makes a strangled sound as Oreo’s nose digs into the front of his pants. “Holy crap,” He blurts, because he apparently has no brain-to-mouth filter. “Petunia has never reached that high before.”

“I am so sorry,” Luna squeaks again, blushing up to her ears. “Oreo, behave please! This is my first date with such a handsome guy,” She jokes shyly, pulling the dalmatian back by the leash.

It’s Ashton’s turn to turn bright fucking red. Holy shit. He feels like a 15-year old virgin all over again.

“He must smell the golden retriever german shepherd mix in me,” Ashton jokes back.

She pauses and then looks up at him for a moment before she bursts into laughter. “Oh, that’s right!” She says as she reaches into her purse and pulls out a cookie shaped like a bone. It’s wrapped in plastic and tied together with a pink ribbon. She holds it out to him shyly. “I did promise you a treat. I hope you like gingerbread?” Oh, wow.

“Is this for me or for Petunia?” He teases as he takes it, because he wants to see her blush again.

She giggles and Ashton feels like his heart might fall out of his chest. “For you.”

Ashton can feel the heat creeping up his neck. He stands again, without Oreo all up in his crotch this time, and for a second he has to pause because holy shit, Luna is tiny, the top of her head just reaching his shoulders. And then she looks up at him, smiling, which kicks him back into gear, stumbling around the table to pull her chair out of her.

“Thank you,” She mumbles, cheeks still red. Oreo follows her as she sits down, folding his legs underneath him right next to Petunia who he sniffs a couple times before turning to Petunia’s water bowl to stick his face into. Petunia doesn’t look like she minds.

“So,” Ashton starts as soon as he’s settled back down. It’s when he pulls up the menu to his face that he realizes he can’t see the tiny font through the dark tint of his sunglasses. Shit. “Uh.” Luna’s looking at him expectantly from over the top of her menu. “You studied psych in school?” He asks, diverting the conversation by pulling the topic straight out of his asshole.

She smiles so much that her eyes disappear into little moons. “You remember that from my bio?”

“That, and the dogs and the pizza and the wine,” He lists off, grinning on autopilot when she does and trying not to make it obvious he’s trying to find the right time to take off his sunglasses. What the hell kind of expensive ass sunglasses are these anyway? “Psych’s very cool.”

Oreo yips.

“Yeah, Oreo’s pretty cool with me studying psych too,” Luna jokes, reaching down to rub at Oreo’s head. “What about you? What do you do?”

Ashton freezes. Lauren’s words from yesterday start ringing in his head. It’s now or never. Now or never.

His heart is hammering in his chest as he slowly, inconspicuously slides the sunglasses off his face, getting ready to launch himself over the table and towards the car park if she starts screaming.

When nothing happens, he looks back up at her. She’s still staring politely at him even though his sunglasses are completely off now and his bare face is exposed for the world to see and lit up from the glaring sun. Those pale blue eyes blink back at him.

Nothing. Ashton inhales sharply. She… doesn’t recognize him?

“I’m a drum teacher,” Ashton blurts, the words flying out of his mouth before his brain even knows what he’s saying. Okay, too close! Too close to real life, Jesus Christ. Fortunately, she doesn’t seem to make any connections.

“No way! Drums?” She says, looking surprised. Her expression melts into a wide smile. “That’s really cool! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten my hands on a drum kit before. Maybe you could teach me sometime.” She compliments genuinely, looking at him shyly. She reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear and for moment, Ashton’s fucking smitten. He forgets all about the fact that he’s the drummer of the band that released Youngblood, multi-platinum certified and #1 on the Billboard Top 200. For today, he’s just a regular fucking guy out for brunch and Luna’s attention is all on him. He feels like a sponge, trying to absorb as much of it as he can.

Thankfully, the waiter that’s serving them chooses that moment to swing by and introduce himself with too much enthusiasm for this early in the morning, looking like serving brunch to people with too much money is his life calling.

“And what would this lovely couple like to order today?” The waiter sings eagerly.

Luna stutters. “O-Oh, we’re not...”

Ashton doesn’t even bother denying the waiter. “The blueberry pupcakes for Petunia and just the steak and eggs for me, please,” He says, smiling before glancing up at his date. The waiter pretends to swoon at his charm. “And for you, my lady?”

Luna laughs at the subtle reference to their tinder conversation, a rosy blush decorating her cheeks. “The Poochini for Oreo, please, and I’ll take the prosciutto flatbread. Thank you.”

The waiter leaves with promises of their food soon.

“So, the prosciutto flatbread?” Ashton jokes. The look on her face says she already knows where this is going.

“It’s the closest thing I can get to pizza here,” She says with a serious face before she bursts into giggles not two seconds later.

Fuck, Ashton’s in love.

★   

| TBC |

[coll2mitts]

New Game: Asian Drama or Horror Movie Plot

Guys.  I have done it.  I have found the most unintentionally creepy Asian drama ever.  It’s called Well-Intended Love and it is FUCKED UP.  Spoilers for the first half of the series, because oh man, I can’t keep my feelings inside on this one.

It’s available on Netflix, and if you can get over the really terrible dubbing, it’s a fairly entertaining, standard rich guy loves poor girl romance drama.  Boy and girl meet out of pure happenstance, they are shoved into a strange predicament together, there are MiSuNdErSTanDinGS, people disapprove of their relationship and try to pull them apart - all the fun tropes are there.  BUT instead of the girl being mistaken for a guy, or pretending to be her brother, or switching bodies with the guy every time she’s rained on, or accidentally getting pregnant by a rich guy while drunk, or finding out she’s a princess, or being the former girlfriend of the guy’s disabled brother, or being the guy’s high school teacher, or just being poor, or not living up to her full musical talent, or being left at the altar by the guy’s former roommate (SEEEEEEENNNAAAAAA), THIS GIRL is diagnosed with Leukemia, and the only person who is a bone marrow match is this wealthy chairman of a super generic company (legitimately, I have no idea what they do, it is not ever once mentioned, they just release “product”).  She is told this man is not interested in donating his marrow to her (but like, how do they know he’s a bone marrow match if he didn’t submit bone marrow for testing, and if he submitted some for testing anyway, why would he not want to donate it?).  She decides to hound him until he agrees to help her, with the caveat that she would contractually marry him for 2 years.  She, fearing for her fucking life, agrees to this, because he seems like a nice guy otherwise, and she thinks he is gay and trying to hide his same-sex relationship from his sick grandmother.

The marriage contract seemed sorta fucking weird to me, but I’ve found it is necessary to kill the feminist part of my brain when I watch these things, because sometimes it’s fun to sit through 20 hour-long episodes of will they fucking kiss already so I can get excited about something.  But then some increasingly alarming red flags start to show up.  He tells her she has a curfew,  bans her from drinking at the house after she gets drunk and throws up on him, constantly has her followed by his security team to “protect” her, buys her gifts every time they get in a fight, cancels his plans so he can travel to wherever she needs to be for work, and throws his money and influence around to solve her problems when she has not asked for his help.  He repeatedly swoops in to save her, which at first seems charming because, as a viewer, we know she is holding her feelings for him back because she is afraid he is not romantically invested in their relationship.  His treatment of her could be interpreted as him trying to convince her it is okay to fall in love.

For example, she is an aspiring actress, and he flies out to where she will be shooting her first main-casting mini series to surprise her.  He brings a new puppy, which was a kind gesture on his part since a few days before she brought home a lost dog and he threw a fit.  After seeing how happy the dog made her for the short time they had it, he decides to get over himself and get her a pet.  This is weirdly overcompensating, but fine, both of these things seem nice because she seems genuinely excited.  

Then you find out he paid a bunch of money to reserve the shooting location for the series, which delays the production, in order to take her on a mini vacation.  Not only does this interfere with her career, it costs the production a bunch of money to keep everybody on set while they can’t film anything (later you find out he buys the series and cancels it because some actor was putting the moves on his wife).  On this mini vacation, he has the owner of the hotel lie and say there is only one room available, and it has one king bed, so they have to share.  She is uncomfortable with them sharing a room, but agrees to it because she feels pressured to.  Then, in the room, he gets naked and hops into bed, telling her to sleep next to him.  She does, fully clothed.  As she’s falling asleep, she says that trust and respect are the most important parts of a relationship.  He asks what she would do if someone lied to her.  She says, “It depends on the situation,” and falls asleep before she hears his response, “I lied to you about your illness...”.

I freak out, because now I think she’s dying.  He knows she’s dying and he’s lying to her about it.  It’s going to be me watching A Moment to Remember all over again where I’m sobbing in my bed like they loved each other so much life isn’t fair he just wants to spend as much time with her as possible before he can’t anymore!  NOPE, big fucking NOPE-A-RAMA.

A few episodes later, after an unnecessary amnesia plot-line to delay this fantastic reveal, you find out HE LIED ABOUT HER HAVING LEUKEMIA IN THE FIRST PLACE.  HE CONVINCED THE DOCTORS AT HIS FAMILY-OWNED HOSPITAL TO LIE TO THIS POOR WOMAN AND TELL HER SHE HAS LEUKEMIA SO HE COULD “DONATE” HIS MARROW, SAVE HER LIFE, AND FUCKING MARRY HIM FOR TWO GODDAMN YEARS.  Because, turns out, he had randomly run into her a few times, thought she was nice, and had his employees stalk her, FOR TWO YEARS, waiting for the perfect opportunity to insert himself into her life.  Instead of just introducing himself like a normal fucking human and asking her out on a date, he sets up this elaborate plan to get her to make an uninformed rash decision where she is entirely at his mercy.  I FUCKING CAN’T WITH THIS ONE, GUYS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

When she finds this out she is, understandably, distressed about it.  Her “bone marrow treatments” were just vitamins.  All she has is anemia.  That’s it.  She tries to leave the house to get away from him, and he sends his security team to guard the door so she can’t leave.  When she finally escapes, she rents her old apartment and gets a job selling electronics.  He pays a bunch of people to buy KuGou headphones from her so her boss will be impressed (sidenote: the blatant featuring of KuGou products and their capabilities in every episode is fucking hilarious), then, when she gets home, stands outside of her new apartment so he can just stare at it while he gets rained on.  Of course, through this entire scene, sad piano music is playing in the background so we can feel bad for this dude, when really the situation warrants piano string banging and violin tremolos.

This all happens by episode 11.  There are 20 episodes in this series.  If the other 9 episodes feature a redemption arc for this psycho, I am not interested.  I don’t care how cute and rich this guy is, or what kind of childhood trauma he suffered, she needs to run far, far away, maybe to another country, assume another identity, and fucking move on with her life.  Because he might peel off her skin and wear it.

So, yeah.  All of this to say I vote we start a new game called Asian Drama or Horror Movie Plot.

[kosmicdream]

Temp. FFAK Official Timeline

This is a very rough, temp timeline for FFAK. It mostly covers events that have already happened or at least have been mentioned. I dont really cover anything that is happening in the present day timeline lol. I might make edits to this in case i fucked up in places or maybe ill just do a totally new one at some point! you dont even know how messy my actual one is like my god its an ever worse horrible clusterfuck of text. (Also remember, the ffak story has no time travel so dont be worried about that sort of mindfuckery!) enjoy

Years before 1414: Whenever was 600 million years ago i dont want to do the exact math: Evil Mother is born but shes not called that at all cuz she adopts that name later in life but just know she is here and readt to party Lots of stuff happens. like idk. evolution and life. 600 mil years is a long time ok -LALALA -HUMANS AT SOME POINT COME TO BEING.and form civilization and.. all that -modern human society exist! ppl have tvs and such. -Mandragora Worms have gone ‘extinct’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooooo -??????????? a ton of other stuff. isnt history cool?? kicks legs, yells -mysterious worm break outs all over dmtia. bombs fall. wars. despair!  -Grant Lumberman gets a doggy at some point and loves it but then it dies and so does his family and friends and his whole city he is relocated to the Auseklis moon colony (on Dmtia’s moon!) along w/ other Vena Cavian kiddos !!!! (in yr 1414)

YEAR 1415 [Scene From Ch. 11: Pages 3161-3196, 3400-3401] Characters: Randall Aiguille - Age 20 Mr. Rotten (Which was named “Aeschylus” at the time, created by Randall) Crosshatch Unit (sort of) Rembrandt Aiguille - Age 22 Grant Lumberman (Aka, ‘Good Leadman’) - Age 14 Octavian “Otto" Silverberg - Age 15 (I was gonna type up every referenced scene like this then i was like fuck it thats too hard! lol)

Years 1416-1425 ?????????????? (most events likely will be mostly covered in a prequel series.) YEAR 1420: Crosshatch Unit first programmed/built by Randall/Rembrandt Aiguille leadman and evil mother fall in lurv at some point

YEAR 1426 Miracle Baby Crimson is Born (From Good Leadman/Evil Mother worm fuck action yeehaw)

YEAR 1427 -Crimson’s 2 eyes are removed + Evil Mother Believes they are dead and leaves Leadman to work with Tricend -Canary is Born (From Evil Mother, and a King Worm) -Hekatons are made (From The King worm that made Canary, concept of Hekatons is from Evil Mother) -July 8th: Perkons Hatches and will not let anyone near the other 4 eggs!! stay away

YEAR 1428 - Good Leadman (Age 27) and Perkons (6 months old) Meet (Happens in Jan) (Multiple scenes in ch10, continued in Ch11) Perkons turns 1 in July. -Perkons gets a hold of 1 of Crimson’s eyes at some point, turns it into a Knife.

YEAR 1429 - Perkons turns 2 in july and is a fully matured adult. Rest of the 4 hekatons eggs hatch sometime after in that year. -Dievas assumes protective guardian role for his siblings.  -Dievas meets Aeschylus. (ch11) YEAR 1430 Perkons turns 3. The rest of the first hekatons are one. During this year they mature to an adult. YEAR 1431 Lauma meets Velns, who is imprisoned. Then shortly after, Perkons confronts Lauma, she is 2, he is 4. So It took place after July 1431. He transforms the 2nd crimson eye into a Spoon in front of her.

Years 1431-1448 (specific dates not all disclosed sry): -Velns/Lauma, Dievas/Laima begin making children. baby baby baby! YEAR 1438 - Crimson (Age 11) is eaten by a Hydragora Queen worm - loosing her human body in the process but gaining a worm one instead. -Crimson runs around in a destroyed city, holding a corpse. Meets Velns who taunts them. -Lauma and Dievas make up, and have their first nest together- a Batch of A/B hybrid eggs. -Lauma is killed by Perkons -Velns is killed by Perkons (Which was also on Dmtia’s Moon, so the moon is destroyed.) -Laima is “killed” by Perkons. (Actually survived, as part of Dievas’ plan.) -Perkons confronts Dievas with the Crosshatch Unit and mention they fight for Peace and under the “Thumb” alliance. Perkons kills Dievas. (scene in ch11) -Laima escapes with A/B Eggs, as well as other hekaton eggs. (and will later form the Ghost Kingdom, which she rules as queen.) ????? many other things happen????? these were some busy years folks

YEAR 1449 -Crimson meets a Helper, Galore the Hekaton, and a Bunny worm (who will later grow up to be agent Paper) in the forests of DMTIA (Ch9) -Galore “meets" her first parents, Lauma and Velns, in some mysterious coma dream thing from listening to crims sexy magical heartbeat (also Ch9) ??????????more events happen??????????? -Galore “Dies” by exploding. Crimson witnesses it. -Bunny wormed named Cirrus “Dies” and is buried in a grave. However, she was only injured she later climbs out only to witness Crimson and Celadon leave in Crimson’s truck and it was the saddest thing ive had to draw ok. i am crying even remembering it ??????????more secret events this was yet another busy and traumatizing year for crimson????????????? -Months later, Crimson (age 23) has a conversation with her third mandragora heart, and ends up having a period sex masterbate-y fantasy that made many readers scream in terror when they read it.(Ch11)

Years 1450-1904 god so much stuff happens during this time, lays on the ground. i mean just fucking look at how much time that is. thats over 450 years lol nbd right

YEAR 1905 -Agent Knife is sent on a remote mission (back to Planet Dmtia) to hunt down one of thumbs most wanted criminals, a man named “SIMON MCGOLD” -After months of searching/failed attempts at locating him, Knife confronts and is stung by Simon’s close personal bodyguard, a queen worm named Nail who is famous for killing over 50,000 Hekatons. (Gaining him the nickname “Hekaton Hunter.” (CH12) -?????????? more stuff happens like you dont even know????????

Years 1906-1924 ??????????? lots of stuff??????? lets laugh at some spoon stuff together tho -Spoon thinks Knife is stupid but weirdly interesting i guess -Spoon tries to pretend hes not in love w/ knife cuz thats like??? g...ay??? -Spoon realizes he’s totally hot for Knife and decides hes gonna totally seduce him -Spoon realizes flirting isnt going well with knife and is actually rly deeply hurt by rejection and so he tries to sleep around w/ other ppl  to pretend hes fine cuz w/e!! who cares -Spoon realizes hes totally in love w/ Knife and is devastated by Deeply Gay emotions -Spoon moves in w/ Knife and spoon tries to pretend he is fine w/ just being Knife’s obsessively devotedly loyal but not romantic/sexual partner. just ttly... platonic.. best dude pals..!!! who murder together -Spoon realizes he cannot handle just being friends and attempts to move out cuz he just is having a meltdown -Knifes like chill we’re already dating and Spoon is like “wtf we are?” and knife’s like “why else would i let you move in w/ me” and spoon just stares at a wall for like 12 hrs in shock -They start to officially for real date™ after spoon regains contact with reality -???????stuff??????? -Spoon dresses up as AGENT BEE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN ALL OF HISTORY HANDS DOWN MARK UR CALENDARS 

YEAR 1925 July 8th - Simon (now Agent Spoon) has been in a relationship with Knife for 20 years. He meets Celadon #1. Location is the forests on the moon THUMB HQ. who is rightfully pissed as fuck at him. kick his ass, girl (she does btw) (ch11)

YEAR 1926 -Knife Adopts a tiny perfect adorable fluffball c-type and names him Kurt. -Spoon hates it like more than anything ever -Spoon and Knife end up having to live separately, causing a huge strain in their relationship.

Years 1927-1936 -feeling neglected, Spoon starts to sleep around, including the Crosshatch unit and becomes p close friends w/ them! its actually a positive thing for once. wtf (ch11) -Kurt becomes Agent Fork and works alongside Agent Knife on missions and its adorable and great but knife’s depression is also growing bc he misses spoon

YEAR 1937 Cash Leadman is born! :D

YEAR 1938 Rome Aiguille is born! he doesnt even hate worms at this point! Years 1939-1955 more stuff. ect. 

YEAR 1956 -Locket confronts Knife. Knife is so traumatized from meeting a surprise biological child that he has a meltdown and vanishes. he is then believed to have died. -Spoon Explodes from sadness of the news, but does not die. Half of him leaves to Cash Leadman’s house, who convinces him to keep living. He becomes “Scissor”, using her former crosshatch robot body. (ch11) -The other half meets Locket and has his Spoon stolen from him. very sads. Also cant wear thongs anymore (ch11)

YEAR 1957 -At some point during this year, Spoon kills Agent Rock’s dad and also prevents Fork from being able to enter Wibbleworld (his dream). (Scene in ch8) -Fork goes back to prison (guess what, it wasnt his first time goin’ there!) 

YEAR 1958-present -the death of rock’s hot dad springs a chain reaction of all his sons trying to kill spoon and getting revenge. Spoon successfully kills them all though lmfao. dont fuck with the leg.  -fork breaks up with dollop and she starts stalking him

YEAR 1961 -Dylan and Agent Knife meet in Wibbleworld moon, on July 8th (his birthday) He reveals secrets to her. (ch11) -Dylan/Celadon and Antony believe they are successful at killing Agent Knife on this same day.

YEAR 1962 -Feb 2 - Aeschylus wakes up in LEVEL K of the Crosshatch Colony (The Aiguille Moon) and is escorted by Antony Aiguille (Age 21) and Celadon #1, #2 and #3. Dylan and Barfy show up. (Ch 11) -Dylan tries to convince Antony not to get eaten (and fails) (ch12) -March - A mysterious earthquake and worm outbreak kills 20,000 residents in the Crosshatch Colony. O_O  -July 7th - Fork meets Dylan for the first time. :3 (Another serving episode one!) -July 8th: This is where the present timeline begins! Canary wakes up on a platform. Hooray! we made it. i dont feel like typing out the events u can just read the comic i guess lol. farts! 

YEAR 1963: Hasnt actually happened yet, but the final feast is said to occur this year!!!!!!! O_O ooo  EDIT: one of the events were out of order, but this has been fixed (8/19/2017) 

[disdaidal]

10 + 17 💗

Well hello there dearie 💗

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Oh gosh... I can’t even pick just one. Because while I liked season 3 overall, there was just so much... wrong going on in that season.

So I won’t. Pick just one.

1. Needless to say, Billy’s arc was just a whole lot of bullshit. In season 2 they showed him as a bully with daddy/mama issues; a popular new dude and a jock who wants to become the new king but also might have some homosexual/bisexual tendencies as well; also he’s a big brother who may have or may not have cared about his stepsister (he’s controlling and mean but also does kind of babysit her as he’s supposed to, so). Then in season three, they suddenly decide to flush all that development down the drain by turning him into a violent puppet for an interdimensional monster with no mind of his own (save for episode one). But interestingly decide to show more flashes of the domestic abuse he’s gone through, the fact that he loved his mother who later abandoned him - and suddenly him and Max have a strong sibling bond as well, and Max actually cares about him and cries for him twice during the season. And none of this development between Billy and Max was actually ever shown - it just happened. Oh, and Karen. They could’ve picked any other character for Billy to flirt with (if not Steve, then at least Heather; she was his age at least), but they choose to have him flirt with a 40+ woman and a mother of three, who apparently has nothing better to do but to hang out at the pool with her friends and stalk an 18-year-old lifeguard Billy. I mean 🤢. And suddenly he’s very interested in her too, while in season two, he only seemed to flirt with her because he needed intel from Max’s whereabouts.

2. Speaking of Max.. I know she’s a teenager, but her season three character seemed very different from her season two character. In season two, she’s basically a tomboy and a skater girl and hardly seems interested in the ‘girl stuff’. She does dance with Lucas and kisses him at prom by the end of season, but yeah. In season three, she skates maybe once(?) and all of a sudden she’s a dating expert (’dump his ass’, ’she’s dumped Lucas already three times’). She reads teen magazines (’Ralph Maccio’ lmao), and she likes shopping too. I mean, yeah, I get it, she’s a teenager. Teens go through changes, try new things, date boys/girls. But I don’t know, she just seems kind OOC to me in s3.

3. Don’t get me wrong, I loved daddy!Hopper in his Hawaii shirt. But he’s angry and he shouts all the time. Sometimes it’s funny, but he does it constantly. IT IS CONSTANT. Okay? And I get that he was annoyed with Mike hanging out with El all the time and that they were snogging 24/7, but his way of dealing with that (and with Mike) was just largely overreacting from his part too. Season 1&2 Hopper definitely his bad moments too, and he controls El almost too much in season 2, but you know, he doesn’t shout all the time.

I didn’t really enjoy season 3 Jancy either (mostly on Nancy’s part, and I actually somewhat liked her in previous seasons). But I’m not gonna go there right now.

17. Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…

Billy didn’t actually flirt with Karen at the pool but somebody around his own age. He doesn’t drive to Motel 6 to give her “the workout of her life” and crash his car, because he goes on a real date that night instead. Haven’t decided the place yet but it probably won’t be at the quarry (smirks).

Because the whole MF thing doesn’t actually happen, he continues to live past July 4th. Since he’s already eighteen and he’s worked hard and saved money, he gets his own apartment and moves away from daddy (Neil probably fights him for this but that’s okay, Billy’s got backup).

He’s finally apologized to Steve after some time, not letting his pride get the best of him (also his heart still aches for him) and after seeing that Max is actually safe with Steve (a damn good babysitter), Billy has no reason to pick fights with him anymore. Steve may not have fully accepted his apology yet but Billy’s doing his best to convince him that he’s actually a good guy (just has a fuckload of issues but he’s working on them). So they’re going to movies together, hang out at the arcade, going for rides (all kinds of, teehe) and life is good.

So Billy may be or may not be “dating girls” just for the show but in secret, he’s dating somebody else. They’re doing it behind closed doors because it’s the 80′s and stuff, but they’re fine with that right now. No need to draw attention to themselves in a small town like Hawkins.

Steve and Robin start working at the video store instead of Scoops cause they’re tired of scooping ice cream, and Keith keeps breathing on Steve’s neck every chance he gets but things could be worse. Billy keeps visiting there almost every other day, renting naughty movies “for himself”.

Heather also lives, and she and Billy are each other’s “gay best friends”. She and Robin also definitely have something going on. So they all go to double dates.

Dustin strongly disapproves Steve’s and Billy’s relationship at first (and Mike’s a little bitch), but El still sees through Billy. She can tell when he lies, when he’s sad and upset and when he’s happy. They don’t really talk to each other but sometimes El gives Billy a friendly smile (and maybe a light touch on his shoulder). She’s still largely a mystery to Billy but he knows that he doesn’t have to pretend when he’s around her. It’s like he now has another little sister but not like Max.

Hopper and Joyce may have accepted Billy in time too, and treat him like a family. He knows about the monsters and sometimes fights them too. Sometimes he feels like an outsider (Dustin and Mike keep giving him a hard time), but he’s trying. Steve keeps encouraging him.

Karen has left Billy alone after she’s realized that she has a husband and family.

[viralhottopics]

41 People Confess The Secret Theyll NEVER Tell Their Significant Other

Found on AskReddit.

1. Our son is not his, but his brother’s.

That our son is not his, but his brother’sbecause his brother stayed with us for a period of time before he found a job, and when he would go on business trips his brother would lay in bed with me.

2. I’m gay.

I’m gay.

3. I might be gay.

That I might like guys as well.

4. Her best friend is better in bed.

Her best friend is better in bed…

5. Ive jerked off to the thought of her sister.

That my girlfriend’s sister looks kinda like porn star Gianna Michaels and that I’ve jerked off to Gianna Michaels’ scenes but imagined my girlfriend’s sister.

6. I don’t love him anymore.

That I don’t love him anymore.

7. I think its time to break up.

That I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways because we are not right for each other.

8. I feel unappreciated and unloved a lot of the time.

How unappreciated and unloved I feel a lot of the time.

9. I think hes boring.

That I think he’s boring…Im pushing him more to go out and meet new people and find hobbies he’s interested in, also for the sake of his mental health, but I just really don’t want to be the only person coming up with ideas for activities or having friends to meet up with.

10. Ive become a closet alcoholic in response to her alcoholism.

That I’ve become a closet alcoholic due to the stress caused by a) her losing her job because of her own alcoholism and leaving me the sole burden of keeping a roof over our heads and b) helping her maintain her sobriety. The irony is crushing me.

11. My wife is stupid.

My wife is stupid and I hope she’ll never find out. I love stupid people. When 2+2 = rocket ship its impossible to predict anything. It keeps the relationship fresh.

12. I secretly want to peg my boyfriend.

I secretly want to peg my boyfriend.

13. I think about suicide…like, a lot.

I think about suicide…like, a lot. I don’t have any plans to go through with it, but I’m currently living with some major medical problems. I have chronic pain, and I need help for a lot of day-to-day activities. It’s bad enough that I have days where I think about ending it, but as much as I’m hurting, I couldn’t do that to my wife or my family.

14. Im no longer in love with her.

That I’m no longer in love with her but she’s been suicidal and I’m scared of what will happen if I tell her…

15. I’m pretty sure we’re on the path of breaking up.

That I’m pretty sure we’re on the path of breaking up. Not right now, not in a week, not even in a month but that’s where we’re going. I know he loves me but I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore and I also think he hasn’t realised this because there isn’t really someone else he likes. Once he realizes this or someone he likes more comes into the picture, we’re done.

16. I was the one who ate her leftovers.

One time I ate her leftovers and when she asked if I knew where they went I said no. I still feel guilt about it to this day.

17. I masturbate a lot.

How much I masturbate. He thinks it’s like a few times a month — a conclusion he came to on his own and I never corrected. It’s really a few times a week.

18. I am an atheist.

She was religious, I pretended to be religious, too. I am an atheist.

19. I still smoke cigarettes.

If I’m away for whatever reason I will have a few cigs. She thinks I quit years ago but all I want is to smoke, endlessly. Like that episode of friends where chandler smokes a carton.

20. I have $100k in a secret, separate account.

I have $100k in a secret, separate account not to hide it from her but to be the hero if we ever need it in an emergency.

21. Sometimes I pretend to go to work.

Once in a while I pretend to go to work but instead I’ll go have breakfast while my wife goes to work then once she texts me she’s at work I go back home and chill all day watching Netflix or playing Fifa.

22. I really REALLY don’t want to move to her hometown.

That I really REALLY don’t want to move to her hometown when my current contract is up. There’s not much work for me there and what little there is is badly paid. Add to that that I’ll know nobody, that I don’t speak the language all too well, etc. etc….

23. I’m glad when sometimes he is away on a business trip.

That I’m glad when sometimes he is away on a business trip. It’s nice to be alone sometimes. I’m an introvert.

24. I watch porn sometimes when he isn’t home.

That I watch porn sometimes when he isn’t home.

25. Im in tons of debt.

How much debt I’m actually inour finances are completely separate so it’s not hurting him or his credit score…I would be completely embarrassed if he knew just how often I was completely broke by the next payday. if it stay on course, I should be good in 10 months….just paid one thing off this month, and have 8 payments left on 2, and 10 on anotherthen all I will have is my car paymenthopefully then I can start making extra payments on either his jeep or mine.

26. Im afraid Im not enough for her.

How insecure I am of not being enough for her. It burst out twice and she confirmed I am more than enough but the feeling that she deserves better doesnt leave.

27. I’m attracted to women twice her age.

That I’m attracted to women twice her age.

28. I was sexually assaulted.

That I was sexually assaulted. Not something that comes up in everyday conversation, and something that is especially hard to reveal to someone you are currently engaged in a sexual relationship with. Always a fear that they will somehow see you differently. I was only able to admit it to my ex after we broke up.

29. I stalk his ex on social media.

I stalk his ex on social media and have no idea why.

30. I dont need sex.

That sex is not something I want or feel I need. I love him. He’s attractive. I enjoy the intimacy but not the actual act. It’s not him. I often just feel… not sexual. I could take it or leave it but it means so much to him (understandably so).

31. I don’t like crowds of people.

I don’t like crowds of people. But when he wants to go mingle at a party or gathering I keep the fact that I wish I was anywhere else to myself.

32. I have a gambling addiction.

I have a gambling addiction. We don’t yet live together and it so far has no effect on her. I’m doing my best to break it before it becomes a problem for both of us.

33. I still smoke pot.

That I smoke pot even after I said I quit a few years ago, I know its no big deal in this day, but it is to her.

34. I legally changed my name when I was 18.

That I legally changed my name when I was 18. I just dropped my first name and made my middle name my first name. I moved after high school (I never ever liked my name and I wanted to change it since I was 12). He hasn’t met any of my childhood friends or family and we’re going back to my hometown in April so he can meet them. But I’m nervous. I don’t expect people that knew me up until 18 to call me by my new name all of a sudden but I’m also sure they’ll be surprised that he calls me by my new name. Maybe I’ll just tell him the truth or say that the name they call me is my middle name and everyone just called me that for some reason. And I’ll tell my childhood friends/family that I told everyone to call me by my middle name when I moved away since they all know how much I hated it.

…my family/friends don’t know I legally changed my name either. Just one, and that’s because I needed someone to testify that I’ve lived in my province for longer than a year.

35. I had an abortion.

That I had an abortion.

I was young, in an immature relationship and in no position to be able to look after two lives.

I’m now in one of the best relationships in terms of love and friendship and we have the most beautiful daughter together.

Maybe I’ll tell him one day. Just maybe.

36. My life would be over without her.

That my life would be over without her and I’ll never find someone better.

37. I cheated on her while she was in jail.

My current is the first few months we dated she got put in jail for a month, and I cheated on her with a girl who I used to work with that I’d ran into. Wasn’t planned thing, we hung out alot, they knew bout each other..One day .One thing led to another and..I broke it off w friend a day later BC I wasn’t bout to lose the hpoa I had.

38. I will eventually break up with her because she does not want kids.

That I will eventually break up with her because she does not want kids. It’s killing me to delay the talk because things are so good, but that right there, is a deal-breaker for me. I figure I’ll tell her after this summer since we planned a vacation.

39. I want her to be bisexual.

I want her to be bisexual.

40. I put all the stuff on the high shelves just to see her butt when she reaches for it.

That I put all the stuff on the high shelves, in the wrong place, on purpose just to see her butt when she reaches for it to put it back.

41. Im a straight dude, but I really want to try sucking a dick.

I’m a straight dude who’s happily married to a woman, and I really want to try sucking a dick.

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from 41 People Confess The Secret Theyll NEVER Tell Their Significant Other