#and their answer to social anxiety or autism or anything like that is basically suck it up

[defectivegembrain]

not taking social advice from anyone who thinks any aspect of social interaction is inherently "easy"

[nagichi-boop]

I’m gonna explain the situation behind my previous post cuz I think I’ve hit a bit of a rock bottom with my mental health and I’m not sure what to do.

TL;DR - Tried getting diagnoses from doctors for mental illness, didn’t go well. Need to get a health note for work benefits as I feel unable to do full time work (too stressful), but need to talk to a doctor for that. Unsure what to do (push for diagnosis, ask for health note for just anxiety first, suck it up and keep struggling, etc).

During lockdown I learned a lot about mental illness and neurodivergency. I’m not saying I’m self dxing, but I suspect I may have one or a combo of the following; autism, adhd, ocd, cptsd, DPDR. Currently none have been diagnosed - the only progress I’ve made is being referred to a (still closed) autism clinic which will likely take years to actually do anything.

A gp/doctor said that I have “severe depression and anxiety” (based on a questionnaire that took like 5 mins) on a call where I asked to be referred to a psychiatrist to be assessed tor diagnosis. I even brought up that I thought that I may have ocd. She asked where I got my info from and I said “online”, and she basically dismissed it after that. Like sorry I didn’t go to medical school, where else would I get my info?? But I literally spent hours a day researching mental disorders…hmm, kind of like an ocd compulsion, which is the disorder I gave as an example??

I also did CBT for a bit but hated it. The “therapist” (but probably not cuz apparently social workers are allowed to do CBT for the NHS) said she didn’t think diagnoses were helpful, that symptoms should be addressed. Every session she focused on social anxiety but it made me feel worse - either I’d say “I don’t know” to her questions and she’d push me for an answer and cause me to make something up (due to, uh oh, anxiety) or I would give an answer and she’d be like “that’s not a social anxiety thing, please read this worksheet with the symptoms for social anxiety”, which made me feel like an idiot. Anyways, maybe 4 sessions in I decided to quit because it was too stressful for me. Funnily enough when I told her I felt like I didn’t always know the answer, she said “when that happens, you need to say you don’t know”. LIKE LADY, THAT’S WHAT I DID!!

Needless to say the combo of the two things made me somewhat reluctant to try again to ask for help, so I’m STILL undiagnosed. Now you may be wondering why this is important.

Well, as of a few days ago, I am once again unemployed. Which means I need to (if I want money) go on benefits. The problem with that is they tend to expect you to dedicate your life to job searching and push you to take whatever comes up, which includes full time work. But I really don’t think I could do that. Even working 20 hours a week at my old job was mentally draining. I tried to bring up to the benefits people that I had anxiety and was referred to the autism clinic, but that’s not enough for them. They just told me I needed to get a health note from my doctor. And again, remember how that went before? How would I even ask for that?

I feel stuck. I know logically I should probably just try and talk to a different doctor or something, but I have no idea where to start. Do I bring up ocd? Or just say I’m generally struggling? Or ask to see a psychiatrist again? Do I ask for the health note first or try and get assessed so I know what I’m dealing with?

It’s gotten to the point where my brain is screaming “hurt yourself” or “you’re better off dead”. I feel so useless and dysfunctional.

As the icing on the cake, I don’t rly have a support system. I love my parents, but much like the counsellor I had, they think I have social anxiety and nothing else. They don’t think a diagnosis would help. And they don’t really react at all when I say I’m pretty much suicidal (like they seem unconcerned). It’s not because they don’t care, they just don’t understand (despite claiming to). I also don’t really have any friends, so no support there.

On a good day, I feel emotionally numb and/or disconnected from myself. On a bad day, it feels like there’s an intense pressure building up inside of me and it sucks cuz I can’t let it out and all I can think of is wanting to hurt myself to relieve the feeling. (Also just to to clarify, I don’t actively self harm and have not and have no plans to attempt suicide, but I also don’t have sort of outlet or support for when I have the urge to, so I just bottle it up.)

…any advice?

(Sorry for the long post)

[heres-the-scoop]

hello everyone. oh boy it’s been almost a month now. i haven’t gone on tumblr once since then. a lot of things have changed in that month so this might be long.

NAME CHANGE:

so the name i go by in real life is delaney. i don’t necessarily dislike this name, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and it’s too feminine for me. i’m fine being called it, i would rather not though. on this account, i was originally going by the name Willow and Willy on my more masculine days. However, since then I started to dislike this name. I was looking at androgynous names and I found some that I liked and Willow was one of them. At first, it seemed like the one; it was related to nature and just androgynous enough. Then I saw a tiktok with names for trans people. There was a column for mtf, ftm, and non-binary people. Willow was in the feminine name column. I know that it was just a stupid tiktok, but ever since then I get this horrible feeling when so hear the name Willow. I just think of myself with that name as a girl and I don’t feel like one. Willy was a variation and too masculine for me, so I decided to drop the name altogether. I realize this is my profile name and stuff so I have to change everything. I’m gonna change it so that it doesn’t have to do with any particular name. I just don’t want the same thing to happen again. The names I like right now are Acorn, Cricket, Everest, and Scoop. If you want, you can let me know which ones you like best. You can call me delaney for now, but once i change my name i’ll let you know so you can call me by the correct name.

SEXUAL AND ROMANTIC ORIENTATION (?):

On this account, I told you guys I am an ace lesbian. That is still true. In fact, I’ve only grown more confident about this label. I read an online thingy called “Am I A Lesbian?” and this thing got me from questioning to certainty. If you are struggling with your label, I’d recommend reading it. I’ll link it here. Please remember though, that you owe a label to no one. You don’t have to decide who you are overnight. You can go as slow as you want. You can stay unlabeled too! There is absolutely no pressure to define yourself, but if you would like to, feel free to read this! https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf

SCHOOL:

I am currently on break and I’ve been so anxiety free. Most of my anxiety comes from school and this break was exactly what I needed. I can’t wait until I don’t have to go to school for good. My grades are pretty good right now... they could be better, but it’s been a while since I’ve had a missing assignment. I’m very proud of myself for that.

MENTAL HEALTH:

oh boy this is a big one. my mental health has never been stable. i mean i’m autistic and i’ve had plenty of struggles in my life that have greatly impacted my health. i’ve been through a lot of trauma: both related and unrelated to my autism. This past year has been the rockiest my mental health has ever been. Sophomore year has sucked and my grades have shown that I’m really struggling. I was finally able to start therapy. I haven’t had an appointment the past couple of weeks because I am starting a social anxiety group. That brings me to my worst problem: anxiety. It sucks and it basically dictates every decision i make. it’s not fun. but i’m getting the help i need now so that’s good.

PHYSICAL HEALTH:

it’s been interesting i guess? nothing came back from the endoscopy. it looked perfectly normal. none of my questions or worries was answered. we haven’t had a follow up and i don’t know if we will. something is obviously going on and i don’t know what it is. i’m a good researcher. i get invested in something and i research it. with my mental health i have everything i need. i can look inside my own mind and evaluate what i’m feeling and thinking and going through. and then i can research that. physical things are different. i can’t just see inside of my body i can only research these symptoms but i can’t know for sure that it’s the problem. anyway i’m at a loss right now. If anybody knows what’s going on please let me know because i’m tired of not getting answers.

BELIEFS:

i don’t know what i believe in anymore. i grew up in a Catholic family and i went to a Catholic Church and i’ve always been to Catholic Scools. I was baptized and i’ve received 5 of the 7 sacraments. I went to a Catholic summer camp for four years in a row. i put everything into it. I tried so hard to be Catholic, but something doesn’t feel right. i don’t know how to explain it. it’s well um boring. it’s so fucking boring. i mean why would they make a religion they want people to convert to so boring? it makes no sense. like nobody understands latin so why is there like 17 different things in latin and everybody zones out on the homily so we aren’t learning anything. i don’t feel anything at mass. it’s just something i have to do. i’ve gone to church every sunday my whole life. For sixteen years this is what i’ve done. i don’t know what i believe in, but it certainly isn’t a religion of boring people who do boring things for a boring god who doesn’t give a shit about anybody in that church. i won’t believe in that.

there’s certainly more, but i’m tired and want to go to bed. i wish my mind could type. i rush it could move as fast as my thoughts. anyway, i promise i’ll update soon, but i’ll do it when i’m ready. (maybe in a few hours, maybe in a day, or in a week) i will update though. Bye.

[usagi-zakura]

My Experiences with Asbergers

Since its Autism Awareness month I decided to share some of the weird stuff I do.

Maybe someone finds this and realizes "oh hey I do that! I thought I was the only one!" Or maybe I discover I'm the only one and it turns out I am not autistic, just weird.

(Well no, I am definitely autistic. Don't belive me, ask my Doctor and therapist.)

Of course, not all people with autism are the same, and some of these traits may not even be exclusive to this diagnosis (hey some of it it might not be related at all) but I wanted to share regardless.

- I pace a lot. Sometimes I even start running for no reason. I can't explain why.

- I draw a lot. I know, you're all shocked. But now my dark secret is out there...

- I have too many hobbies outside of drawing. I also make plushies, knit, crochet, shrinkie dinks, clay figures, paint clay figures and probably more...

- I love plushies...I may have a bit of a hording problem when it comes to them.

- I've rarely been into the same things as girls my age. I remember as a child when everyone were into Spice Girls and even had trading cards with them...and I just got offended when some girl tried to trade what I considered just a photo of some Spice Girl for one of my toys. Also most of the girls my age were into horses. I was not (Had a My Little Pony phase as a kid though...so there was that, but that was the closest I ever was to being into horses as a child.)

- I have troubles remembering people. Far too often someone comes up to me and talk to me as if they know me...and I just nod along trying to remember who the fuck this person even is... (Of course I am way too shy to just ask...it feels rude to admit that I honestly forgot about them.) It has resulted in some problems at work when a costumer asks me for help and I have to go check something for them...and when I return with the answer a few seconds later I have forgotten what they look like.

- Despite that... I can remember a lot of animals a lot easier than people. I went to an agriculture school and was probably one of the few who knew the names of every single animal in the pet-room. I made them all name tags and basically wrote a diary for all of them.

- As a kid I could tell you the names and dex-number of all the 151 first Pokémon. (And Togepi...#175). I've forgotten most of the numbers by now but that should say something about how obesessed I can get about fictional characters (and yet I still can't remember my dad's birthday.)

- I always hated fashion... probably also goes into not being into the same things other girls are. I don't like shopping for clothes and would rather continously repair my old ones untill they are falling to pieces.

- Also hated gym when I was little. You'd think I'd enjoy it since I ran around so much...but nope. Gym sucks. Sports are dumb. Let me run in peace.

- From what I hear a lot of people with autism have problems with showing empathy... if anything though I can be overly emphathic sometimes. I've found that then I watch a movie I may not cry when a character die, but its hard to keep tears back when I see other people crying about the death of said character... same with seeing people be sad in real life. (Not that there's much I can do about it since my social skills are still around -2)

- I cry a lot. Sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes for really stupid reasons.

- I have social anxiety. I hate crowds and I hate parties.

- I am incredibly shy and have troubles making first contact even with someone I consider a friend...but if you somehow manage to get me talking about something I like I don't shut up. (Heck during an exam at school I got told of for talking too much about animals.) I wish I could be the kind of person who just invites my friends to hang out all the time... but I am too scared of rejection to ask.

I would like to add something to Tumblr in general though. Autism is not some cute little quirk that never bothers anyone.

If you have high functioning autism, sure, you can live a good, pretty normal life.

But that's not always an option. For some of them emotions easilly get the best of them, myself included but I've met people who are way worse. Who get panic attacks for very minor reasons like seeing children in movies.

That is not a good thing... That's a serious problem. You can't just avoid children your whole life can you...

I don't need nor do I want a cure. But I can certainly understand if certain people, or parents of severely low-functioning autistic children would want one.

Its hard. I can't get a proper job because of it, and I am high-functioning.

So don't shame people for wanting a cure. Look at it at a case-by-case basis.

Its called Autism Spectrum Disorder for a reason. Sure its not fair to treat every austistic person like a screaming child, but its also not fair to forget the ones who DO act like screaming children their whole lives... Those cases do exist. And they need help.

[not-poignant]

pardon this question, you definitely don't have to answer it, but how did you learn or realize you were autistic? I've been researching symptoms and experiences and i know a few people who are on the spectrum, and i've been wondering if i am even though it doesn't present conventionally in some ways? My psychiatrist shut it down v quickly

Hi anon, :)

Okay, I have a long response so I’m putting it under a Read More. The first half is basically my journey to where I’m at now, and the second part is my thoughts on where you’re at, and how self-diagnosis is pretty cool in a world where a lot of the system is against adults getting diagnosed on the spectrum. Feel free to ignore the first part.

It’s a strange journey to how I got here. My folks actually suspected I had autism as a child, but because Asperger’s wasn’t a thing in Western Australia back then (early 80s), I had some borderline traits and then was tossed back without a diagnosis, and that was that.

I had an idea about 8-9 years ago, but never did anything about it, because I was wary of treading into a community I didn’t think I was a part of, and I didn’t want to offend anyone.

Then I had a friend who is also likely Aspie’s, tell me that she thought I very strongly fit the symptom profile of AFAB folks with Asperger’s (people who are women, or assigned female at birth, often have a different autism symptom profile to men, for a lot of reasons, and are often dismissed, because misogyny and a patriarchal medical system). Those symptoms were spot on, but again, I kind of ignored it.

About a year after that, I was having some massive communication troubles, and I ended up with a book on ‘how to communicate with your Aspie partner’ (or something like that, I can find it for you) and it was way more helpful than any book I’ve ever gotten on communicating. Like, way better than my ‘living with a PTSD partner’ better than ‘living with an X chronic condition partner.’ Like, scary accurate. After that, I started self-identifying as neuroatypical. I already knew that it is extremely hard for adults to be diagnosed on the spectrum, especially AFAB folk. It’s one area of self-diagnosis where I was like ‘the material is helping me and my life improve, therefore, I’m going to self-diagnose as having this thing.’*

(*I actually think this is one of the best reasons to self-diagnose, which is if the materials improve your quality of life once you engage with them.)

Some time after that, maybe two years ago now, my current psychologist didn’t do an official screening, but said I met all the core markers for high functioning autism, and had been treating me as a client that was neuroatypical for some time (with some success) even though she hadn’t told me that (she just assumed I knew I was on the spectrum) and we started talking about it.

I’ve never had an official screening, beyond what I had as a 3 to 4 year old. Recently - last year - my Mum found out in a weird weird way. A friend of hers met me twice, her son’s autistic (he’s low functioning) and said to my Mum: ‘I think your daughter has Asperger’s.’ Mum was like ‘haha no, she doesn’t.’ And then apparently this friend showed Mum sites on autism and Mum came to me and was like ‘ahhhhhhh I don’t want to offend you buuuuuut this seems, a lot like - this explains a lot.’ And I was like ‘oh yeah, totally, I’m totally with you, your friend is right.’ And Mum was like: ‘O.O’ and that’s the story of how we get along a bit better now and how she understands me a bit more, lol.

*

But here’s the thing about getting diagnosed as an adult, particularly if you’re AFAB (I don’t know if you are, but anyway) - it’s really hard, and it’s often really expensive. Currently, in Western Australia, a place known for having very high standards of public health access, it costs $1300 for most to get the official screening done, and most doctors / psychologists don’t offer it, and it’s not covered by almost all forms of insurance, nor is it covered by disability/health welfare. A lot of adults literally don’t have the privilege to afford diagnosis - it’s things like this which make me a big proponent of self-diagnosis, especially in cases where I know the western medical system is really bad at supporting adults with whatever thing the thing is. (ADHD is another, it’s really tough for adults to get diagnosed with this, and get appropriate treatment, especially based on country - it’s possible in Australia, it’s basically impossible in Italy because of cultural biases). 

I don’t want to say your psychiatrist is wrong, I don’t know your situation, or your history with them, I’m not a professional of anything remotely medical or psychological. At all. Plus I feel it would be remiss of me if I didn’t say that there is a huge overlap between some high functioning autism symptoms and mental illness symptoms, and a psychiatrist is in the best possible position to know the difference.

I will say it’s worth looking around on Facebook for groups that might look at adult folks with Aspie’s or similar, and ask them what doctors or psychs they saw for diagnosis. We have to do similar here in Western Australia for Fibromyalgia, because even though typically you go to a rheumatologist (at least here) to get diagnosed, a lot of rheumatologists here refuse to even acknowledge/touch Fibromyalgia (it’s notoriously difficult to treat) - so I wasn’t diagnosed for 10+ years, despite actively hunting down a diagnosis for what I had (and I’d even ruled out Fibromyalgia for myself, because I’d been conditioned to accept my chronic, intense pain as ‘normal’ and ‘untreatable’).

Now I have a rheumatologist that diagnosed me, and I have a medication that helps me. That’s a miracle. And I got a referral to this rheumatologist thanks to a Facebook group / friend that were on the ball with this stuff. So I think it would be good to search around online. I actually hate Facebook, but god, it can be really good for putting you in touch with the right doctors, or the patients who see the right doctors/psychs/psychiatrists/counsellors etc. Like I said, I don’t know if your psych is right for you or not, but this is a world where second opinions count, and not all doctors are supportive of every thing. If I’d known I had Fibromyalgia 10-15 years ago, I could have been placed on Amitriptyline early and I may not have ended up on Disability via destroying my life via ignoring illnesses until my body literally couldn’t take it anymore.

My thoughts are…you’re looking for something that helps you, right? That’s why we need labels sometimes. Sometimes the medical profession won’t help us out with that, but that doesn’t stop you from accessing those books, articles, how-tos and so on in the meantime. There are a lot of people, regardless of age, who self-diagnose as neuroatypical in part because the social anxiety of getting diagnosed (a facet of being neuroatypical, among many other things) is just too damn intimidating. You can start looking up ‘how to communicate in relationships if you’re X’ now. You can really start testing all of that stuff out now. If it helps you, if it improves your quality of life (that’s the biggie), that’s like…the most important part imho.

Also, finally if you’re AFAB or a cis female, and haven’t already, google the presentation of Asperger’s in women. You may find the symptom profile fits you better than what you’ll find on the standardised Wiki page. Finally, even if you don’t have Asperger’s, that doesn’t mean you can’t be neuroatypical, or don’t have neuroatypical traits? I’ve had synesthesia all my life, that alone makes me neuroatypical. So it’s worth… remembering that no matter what the final label is that you end up with for yourself, in the meantime, it’s okay to validate those parts of you that don’t seem to fit into the norm of neurological behaviour. It’s okay to seek help and support for it, and it’s okay to give yourself permission to look further.

I wish the path to diagnosis was easier, no matter what the diagnosis ends up being. I have lived what it’s like in a medical system where doctors miss things or ignore things because it’s more convenient for them to do so. It sucks. Trust me, there are a lot of self-diagnosed people on the spectrum, who are right to have self-diagnosed. You’re not alone (I bet there will be other people reading this who can relate to you, anon), and I think it’s awesome that you’re reaching out / putting out feelers about this stuff. *offers hugs*