#and the way people tried to frame it like a fun little self help thing for goyim like please shut up

[atthebell-moved]

i really hate when people try to hardcore anthropologize religious beliefs like actually no you don't need to logic reason why a group of people does a spiritual practice

[nishloves]

𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘;

choi seungcheol x f! reader (school au) genre : angst, fluff, childhood sweethearts, miscommunication words : 6k synopsis : both of them are just a pile of hot and unconfident messes. warnings : curse words unedited.

you sometimes sit still and wonder, was it all in your imagination? you sometimes smile at the fond recollections, of the way he would twirl your hair between his fingers whenever you would be taking notes, you smiled at the ways you both would play around the dining table of his house, giggling and screaming as his mother would cook up delicious snacks for you both— she would pat your head and urge you to eat more as you'd retort and say that you're full. you remember the way he would throw you on his back and push you down on the sofa or the bed to steal your belongings. you chuckle as you remembered the way his smile would falter the moment you had to go, promising him that you would come back sooner. although you never did, your visits to his house lessened over time and are non-existent now.

it was all in the past after all.

yet you still very clearly remembered the day you had met him.

"seungcheol!" the teacher had called out to him as you stared at him with wide eyes, all the students of class excited for the newest arrival to their class.

"yes ma'am?" the third grader looked up to his teacher and then his eyes fell on yours, a warm smile marking it's way on his face.

"help y/n to get settled in the class."

"yes ma'am!"

the children beamed at you as you blushed, your hands a little clammy as you looked around the colourful classroom, it was painted pink and green with numerous sketches pinned up on the walls, the educomp barking in robotic voice as seungcheol approached you.

"hello y/n," he smiled at you and took your hand, "sit next to me first!"

you grinned, you knew that you were going to befriend him at that moment.

"you still haven't finished those chapters?" seungcheol exclaimed as you looked at him sheepishly.

"i didn't have time to write the answers—"

"you had to take admission like three weeks before exams, didn't you?" seungcheol groaned as he pulled your notebook towards himself, your brows scrunched up, what was he doing?

"come on, I'll help you write, you have to work on english too, right?" he said as your eyes widened.

it was the activity day at school! he would have to miss all those fun things for helping you!

"you don't need to do it, seungcheol—"

"but I want to," the third grader grinned at you as he opened your notebook and started copying notes from his notebook.

"seungcheol—"

"y/n! come on! start writing your english notes now!" he commanded as you nodded at him hesitantly, your heart full of warmth as you pulled a chair beside him, trying your hardest to finish your work as soon as possible so that he could go and enjoy the activity day— and not be stuck helping you, until a teacher approached you both.

"what are you doing?"

"pending work, ma'am," seungcheol replied on both of your behalf as you looked up at the teacher.

"you have pending work, seungcheol?"

"not mine, ma'am— hers."

"then let her do her work by her own self, why are you doing her work?" the teacher said as she tried to snatch your copy away from seungcheol but, he didn't let her.

"no ma'am, let me help her!"

"you're missing your activities though."

"it's fine, ma'am;" he looked at you, a warm smile on his face, "she would feel lonely and didn't you say that we should always help people?"

"i did but—"

"so let me help her, please?" the young boy gazed up at his teacher, his eyes twinkling with happiness as the lady sighed, "alright, go ahead."

you silently gazed at the boy, no one had ever stuck up for you like that.

"you didn't have to do that, cheol."

"why?" he looked at you, his lips in a pout, "i want to help you and stay with you."

heat rushed to your cheeks as a grateful smile framed your face, you were glad that he was your friend.

"thankyou cheol," you whispered as the boy pulled your cheeks, "just let me pull your cheeks."

you groaned but you complied nonetheless, he was your first friend in this new school afterall.

"they are calling out to you—"

"let them, i would rather sit here," seungcheol said, leaning on the sofa as he grinned at you.

"why though—"

"it's my party, i will sit wherever I want, plus it's also hard to meet you at school these days after our classes were shuffled," the fifth grader smiled at you as he pushed his newly gifted videogame towards you, "look at this though! isn't it very cool?"

you stared at the game in your hands, a grin spreading on your face as you replied, "yeah! it looks very cool!"

"play it for me," he smiled at you as you flinched.

seungcheol was notorious for not sharing his toys; hell his mother was complaining about it just a few minutes ago, did his demeanor change this soon?

"you haven't even played with it yet," you smiled as you passed his videogame back to him.

"so what? play it for me, so that I can observe you and win it easily when i play it myself—" his eyes twinkled, "i bet my high score will be better than yours."

that did it for you as you pulled the game from his grasp and tried to play it with as much concentration you could muster in that bustling birthday party of his. you both were living in your own world as his friends played among themselves, suddenly realising the missing birthday boy.

"seungcheol!" they called out to him as you both looked up.

"come here!"

"in a minute!"

seungcheol gazed back at you as you lightly nudged him to go towards his friends,

"will you be alright?" he asked, his eyes droopy as he stared at you.

"ofcourse!"

"you wouldn't feel out of place right?" he asked, his hand on your shoulder, "you're the only girl here among so many boys, plus they all are my friends— i don't want you to feel lonely," he said.

"i won't! i could make friends easily you know," you retorted as you sensed the videogame in your hands, "plus I also have this game if i feel bored, they are your friends! play with them! it's your party!"

he looked up at you and nodded wordlessly as he ran towards his friend, your heart dampened slightly but it didn't matter right? it was his party, he should enjoy it as much as he can.

seungcheol didn't let you feel alone for long though, in another five minutes he was right next to you, pulling you towards his group of friends.

"play with us!" he announced as he threw you on his back when you showed resistance. how the hell was he so strong?

"won't they feel weird?"

"they won't!" seungcheol grinned at you, "it's my party! they have to do as I say!"

you laughed as you played around the ten year olds, running around the garden as they tried to catch you with seungcheol helping you out here and there, you had never seen the boy smile so widely before and that day you had made sure, you will try to make him smile everyday— or whenever you both meet.

... that aged well, didn't it?

"y/n," seungcheol huffed as he stood next to you, tired out of his wits as his friends were leaving one by one; you were gonna leave later though.

"yes?"

"next time I will invite more girls of my class so that you don't feel alone," he said as you punched his arm, "you don't need to! your friends are great."

"I'm better though," he grinned at you as you rolled your eyes at him.

"y/n?"

"yeah?"

"you look pretty today," he flashed a blinding smile towards you as you could feel your face heat up yet you smiled effortlessly, "thankyou cheol."

"come to my party again," he smiled, waving you as you walked towards your ride, a small grin on your face as you looked back at him, "don't forget to invite me!"

"i would never." liar.

you left his house feeling elevated, you had made so many new friends and cheol's game was awesome, you couldn't wait to meet up with him and play the game again!

"did you have fun, sweetheart?" your mom asked as she hugged you, her heart filling with warmth as she saw the unmistakable smile on your face.

"i did mom! i had so much fun."

"do you feel good?"

"i feel amazing, mom!"

your teeth clattered as your fingers trembled at the backstage, you had taken part in a poetry recitation and composition competition, and hell you were nervous.

you repeatedly looked at your poem and tried to remember it as much as you can until you heard his voice startling you to reality.

"y/n?" he called out to you as he leaned towards you, his eyes fixated on your poem as you crumpled the paper in your hands,

"hey! you're a competitor," you grinned, pushing seungcheol away from you as he quirked up a brow, a cocky smile on his face as he said, "what? you think you will lose coz of me? the great y/n l/n who has never stepped out of the top three would lose because of me?"

you rolled your eyes as you simply stood next to seungcheol, you eyed at his poem,

"you write really well," you smiled, reading his admittedly good poem.

"thanks," he smiled at you as a boy from beside you both groaned, "so you let her look at your poem and not me? it's not like I'm going to copy your whole work in like two minutes! that too backstage."

seungcheol bantered with the guy as you laughed at them heartily but your hands were still shaking, were you really this nervous? you never had stage fright before!

or was it because it was the first time you were presenting a self-written poem in front of the whole school— you didn't know, but you were very nervous.

"y/n, hey," you heard your friend call out to you as he passed a small smile, "your poem is good too."

"you read it?"

"just a stanza," he smiled, his gaze far away on the stage as he looked back at you, "you will win."

you nudged his shoulder as you chuckled, "so the great seungcheol is admitting his defeat?"

he passed you a childlike grin, his gummy smile sending shivers up your spine as he lightly squeezed your hand, "it's alright if the one I'm losing to is you."

his words were like a chant to you, regularly spiralling in your head as you took the dais, "you will win." his voice repeated in your head as you took a deep breath in and your mouth opened.

everything was a blur, from your introduction to your recitation, yet the applause of the crowd was surreal, the way the teachers scrambled up to you to ask if you had actually written the poem by yourself was too flattering. but amidst all this, you wanted to know how did he think about it?

did he think you did well?

you missed his half of his recitation because of the crowd but, he was as good as always, the moment he finished you ran up to him a wide grin on your face as you beamed, "you did amazing!"

"really? you think so?"

"yeah! your voice control was amazing! and your vocabulary and flow was very apt too," you rambled on, telling him about everything you found amazing in his poem as he smiled at you, his eyes twinkling.

"i thought you were better."

seungcheol accepting that someone was better than him?

"i-i was?"

"yeah, i loved your poem, a lot."

a blush crept up to your cheeks as you looked away from him while cheol spoke up about how you will win. and he was right, because you did win. and he was the happiest about it.

"told you so," he grinned at you as you nudged his arm.

you smiled as you remembered, this was how the twelve year old y/n got over her rare stage fright.

"would you participate in the rj activity though?" he asked, his hands buried in his blazer as he walked next to you. the worst thing about private schools would be their unflattering uniforms for sure.

"what activity?"

"well, we have to pose as radio jockeys and perform a skit based on it."

"is it group wise?" you asked, your brows knitting up as seungcheol grinned at you.

"nope, house wise."

you laughed as you looked at him, "should we defeat them and leave them in dust?"

"aye aye captain."

both your and seungcheol's house was the same so you were a literal nightmare for others whenever you both teamed up, but your friends weren't any less, were they?

you remember seungcheol coming over to your home as you both happily worked on the script, skipping the classes as an excuse for preparing for activities and when the day came, you were sure that you'd win.

"y/n? should we get changed?" one of your teammates asked you as you nodded at her, as you said, the worse part about private schools was their uniform so it was a blessing whenever you could wear casual clothes at school.

you got ready as soon as possible, feeling happiest in your favorite pair of jeans and shirt as you stepped out of the changing room, only to find seungcheol and others waiting for you in your classes.

"just how long do you all take to get read— holy shit, y/n." the thirteen year old boy's lips sealed up as he gazed at you, he couldn't remember to snatch his gaze away from you until you smiled.

"cheol?" you asked, a teasing smile on your face as the boy looked away from you.

it wasn't meant for you to hear but you did,

"you really are very pretty."

and that's when you realised, you probably... probably didn't think of seungcheol as a friend anymore.

"mina," you looked at your best friend after the activity was finished a small blush on your face as you said, "I think... I like seungcheol."

oh? about the activity? you both won, easily.

you didn't want them to know, you didn't want him to know, you weren't ready for him to know!

"why did you tell them?" you asked your bestfriend as she just shrugged, "come on now, it's just them, they aren't gonna tell anyone! they promised to me."

"they did?"

"yeah! so don't worry now!"

apparently, promises meant nothing to eighth graders, why would they? soon the news about the great l/n's little crush on choi seungcheol spread around like a wildfire throughout the school. not even your class, throughout the school.

their incessant teasing was eating you up and even your best friend wasn't shutting up.

you had never felt so vulnerable in your whole life and you weren't able to deny it really— you seriously did like seungcheol... a lot.

but now, when you both were finally in the same class, you didn't have the courage to speak up to him, to talk to him.

you were cowardly enough to not even text him either.

"i don't think he likes you though," one of his friends said as he stood in front of you.

you smiled at him painfully, "yeah, i know... i don't think he likes me like that either."

but you didn't miss his lingering stares, his annoyed eyes whenever any guy would make you laugh, his bashful smiles whenever you both were teamed up for the projects.

but the howling of the whole class ruined it all, instead of relishing in the warmth of first love, you were buried in embarrassment of having your feelings known to the entire world, and it didn't seem like mina was going to stop talking about it.

yet you always sat with her, because after all, she was your best friend and everyone makes mistakes, so... it's fine right?

you still remember when the teachers had set you both and a few of your classmates up for a national film-making (documentary) competition, you huffed under the sunlight as seungcheol looked back at you, stretching his hand towards you, "come!" he said out as you held his hand, he pulled you over to help you sit on a bench next to him as he passed you a cold water bottle.

"don't walk so much if you're this tired."

"I'm fine," you huffed, gulping down the entire water bottle in one go.

"still can't accept it whenever you're wrong, can you?" he grinned at you as you scoffed, "i can! you're just wrong about me!"

"oh yeah?" he smiled at you as his brooch fell down while he groaned.

"this piece of shit just can't stay in one place, can it?" you looked at the fallen school brooch as you laughed at your old friend.

"you just don't know how to wear it."

"if you're so good then why don't you stick it for me?" he was challenging you, both of your intentions were pure, but would your classmates leave you alone?

you smiled as you picked up the brooch from the ground, pulling his tie towards you you attempted to slide the pin on the tie effortlessly.

click!

you heard the camera snap as you turned around, your cheeks hot as you realised your and his position as you better half of the classmates grinned at you.

at least they didn't spread the picture around.

things were better between you and seungcheol now, you both didn't care about the teasing and the friendly competition between you both had ignited again.

but you wondered, both of you knew about your feelings, you don't have to state them again, do you? so if he liked you... he would say something, right?

but the way he kept quiet around you— you sighed, you shouldn't think about it much, he just doesn't like you, that's it.

but one day, when you sat in front of those two girls, you couldn't take it anymore— they were literal bullies in your eyes, and so you snapped,

"i don't even like him!"

he heard it and you could see his big eyes widen further as he looked away from you, you didn't want him to hear it— you wanted to say that it was a lie, because it was! but the teasing had stopped... so you didn't even try to deny it.

you would text him, you assured yourself, but you never did. and soon valentine's day had made its arrival.

people were on their toes researching about your love life, it was as if your life was the soap opera which they had come to watch every single day.

you groaned as you walked away from them, too annoyed by their antics but you stopped in your tracks when you looked at mina and seungcheol talking to each other.

... it isn't good to spy right? you sighed as you walked away from them, if it was something related to you, mina would tell you, right?

"does she like me?" seungcheol asked mina, as he shuffled his feet, a pink hue dusted his cheeks as he looked at mina.

he didn't notice the way mina seethed with slight jealousy as she looked away from seungcheol.

"y/n? oh? didn't you hear? she just had a crush on you, she got over you like weeks ago."

seungcheol's heart stopped beating for a moment as he pursed his lips, his breath slightly shaky as he simply said, "oh... i really was... too late."

he just smiled at the girl and turned away, too hurt to want to look at his crush's bestfriend. he saw you happily chatting with one of your friends and he smiled, he hoped you were always as cheery as he was seeing you now.

"were you talking to seungcheol, mina?" you asked, a slight stutter to your words as your friend lazily looked up at you, "oh him? yeah I was."

"did he say something?"

mina look at you with pity as you could feel your world shatter at her next words, "I'm sorry y/n, he said that he likes me."

"oh..." oh. you should've just said what you wanted. maybe you were too late— maybe, you actually never had a chance.

you put up a smile in front of mina while your heartbeat fastened, "it's alright, you can't help people you like, huh."

"I guess so... I'm very sorry though."

"you don't need to be." you simply said as you turned towards your bus, ready to go back to home.

your mom knew that something was wrong when she saw your face.

"are you alright, sweetie?"

"i just... don't feel good, mom." you smiled at her before locking yourself in your room.

maybe if you both weren't a bunch of cowards, things would have been different then.

you couldn't talk to cheol anymore— not after you had heard that he liked your bestfriend out of everyone, not after you both had already severed your relationship because of teenage awkwardness.

the visits to his house stopped, you never texted him again, neither did he.

he knew about your feelings so why did he— why did he have to like her out of everyone?

you were a high-schooler now, yet the story of yours and seungcheol's was still the talk of the town, you were even more popular than before and you didn't enjoy it, you didn't enjoy it at all.

moving on from cheol was hard, but you would move on, it doesn't matter anymore.

yet you could feel your emotions weigh your down, eat at your insides, deplete your confidence.

but when you felt him glare at you, you couldn't help it.

"hey," you nudged your other friend, "was he glaring at me?" you asked as your friend looked at him.

"shit— it looks like he wants to kill you."

you scoffed out of disbelief, what did you even do? did mina reject him because you liked him? even if she did, it wasn't your fault? you wouldn't even care. liar.

"wait, someone asked me if you were in a long-distance relationship with someone a while ago."

"what?" you whipped your head towards your friend as she nodded at you, "something about jihoon?"

"but jihoon is just my friend! what were they saying?"

"something like... you've been dating him for about a year now?"

you gasped as you got up from your seat, you knew it was mina who had talked about it. you had talked about jihoon only to her.

you marched towards mina as you asked her, "are you the one spreading rumours about jihoon and i?"

"what rumours?"

"he's not my boyfriend, mina! he's just a friend!"

"you don't like him?"

"of course not! i just liked talking to him," you confronted her as she looked at you apologetically.

"I am sorry— many guys were asking if you're single so i told them about jihoon, i didn't know that you didn't have a crush on him, i will clear it all up! don't worry!"

you pursed your lips as you looked at your best-friend, "you will right?"

"yeah, don't worry!" she never did.

the moment when cheol marched up to you, you had braced yourself to explain everything to him, but why should you? were you even friends now?

"i don't even like you,"

his words were like a dagger to your heart as he walked past you, not even stopping to hear your voice.

you chest seethed with anger as you scoffed at his shadow, you turned around and moved away from him, you wouldn't let this man make you cry anymore, you wouldn't waste your time over choi seungcheol.

you're going to move on from him, no matter what it takes.

you had promised yourself that you wouldn't cry. yet when you saw his picture with his girlfriend— you couldn't help it. just a day before your birthday too, huh.

you sighed as you looked at the night sky, you hated yourself for feeling this way for a mere human, just what was so special about him that you couldn't look at others?

was it because he was your first friend? was it because he was the kindest to you— he's kind to everyone, y/n; you tried to tell yourself, but that nagging feeling in your head— that voice which didn't shut up repeatedly said— he was different to you.

you didn't know about it— you didn't know it at all.

you weren't someone special, seungcheol knew that too. and maybe that's why you had fallen for him so hard. so hard that you were wasting your tears on him years after everything had happened.

he didn't care— you try to tell yourself. he never did. he never liked you as more than a friend, it was your own foolishness which tore you both apart.

friends weren't supposed to fall for each other, but you did. and that was your biggest mistake.

you threw your phone across the bed as you prepared to sleep, you didn't care about any 12AM wishes, because you knew he won't wish you anymore— he doesn't remember your birthday anymore. you just knew, he didn't care anymore. he never loved you, so it's better for you to haul yourself and to not look back.

because at the end, he never saw you as more than a friend.

1 2 : 0 6 a. m.

seungcheol: happy birthday, y/n.

you chuckled at those bittersweet recollections with cheol, it was all amazing in a way, even after all these years, hearing the name choi seungcheol makes you smile, you don't think that you could ever hate him, not when he made you feel such a beautiful thing.

mingyu : half of your anxiety exists because of seungcheol, you both need exposure.

you sighed as you looked at your best-friend's text, remembering that you had pestered him earlier about your lack of boyfriend and he started listing out the reason, you knew he was right, but you didn't want to confront cheol anymore, it had already been three years.

you : does it even matter?

mingyu : it does when it affects you like this, you don't even like him y/n! yet you won't even try dating because of your issues— I'm not saying they are bad but, it's the only way you'd get better. atleast, give those boys a chance.

you sighed as you looked at the clock, it was 2AM, and then you looked at mingyu's text. you wondered about what your fourteen year self would want to do.

you sucked in a breath as you wondered, would it... would it really be fine to date someone? to love someone with all your heart that it takes years to try not love them anymore?

yet you still know, a small part of your heart, will always adore seungcheol.

you searched seungcheol's name in your contact, clicking on his contact you but your lips. after all these years, you're gonna tell him— you're gonna tell him about how you felt. you can't run away from your emotions. you shouldn't. not when they were tying you down.

you : hey... can we talk?

cheol : hi y/n, sure.

you : at school? tomorrow?

cheol : okay, as you wish.

your heart-beat fastened as you looked at his texts again and again, shit. what the fuck did you do? what are you doing after all these years? have you deluded yourself to think that you've moved on from him? have you actually moved on from him? what are you even going to talk to him about?

mingyu : y/n? are you alright? are you okay? can I call you?

you : i texted him.

mingyu : seungcheol?

you : yes

mingyu : AT 2 FUCKING AM?

you : yes.

mingyu : are you an idiot?

you : a big one.

you switched off your phone as you pushed your face in your pillow, it was all a dream right? since when did you gain this much of confidence, it will all be a dream when you wake up. the moment you wake up, it'd all vanish!

it didn't, you winced when you looked at three missed calls from mingyu.

yeah, that's an issue for the future me,

you sighed as you stared at your ceiling for a few minutes; you know you have moved on, so why is your heart beating so fast? you know you don't like him anymore, so why are your breaths so short?

you got up on your bed as you stared at your school backpack on the edge of your bed, you took a deep breath in. may it be four years or four months, you're ready now. you need the exposure, you need the truth. so you will tense up and talk to him.

"hannah, oh god, i can't do this—" you panicked in front of your friend as your friend tried to help you calm down amidst chemistry class.

"i have to talk to him in like fifteen minutes? i can't! I'm unable to speak clearly now, i seriously can't talk to him— I'm scared."

"y/n," your friend stared at you as you gasped for breath. "you need to talk to him. all is done, you will talk to him."

you silently nodded at her as mingyu looked at you from the side, passing a cookie towards you, "eat."

you felt bile rise up in your throat, your mouth was dry as you pushed the cookie away, "i can't eat. I'm too nervous."

you looked at the worried glances of your friends as you stood up and excused yourself to the washroom, you can do it. and you will do it. you just have to talk about your feelings, right? what could be so hard in that?

so why did you run away when you saw him approaching you?

"y/n! shit— are you okay?" mingyu asked you as nodded shakily.

"i can't talk to him."

"he's a good person, he won't judge you."

"i know!" you retorted, "but-but it's just so fucking hard, gyu. I haven't ever been transparent about my feelings to anyone and it's-its."

"but have you ever felt this strongly for anyone before?"

you shook your head, "no. and that's what scares me."

mingyu sighed as he patted your head, "you don't need to do this today."

"but I should."

"then he's out there waiting for you."

and he was, he really was.

"hey," he called out to you, a small smile on his face, "you wanted to talk to me."

you gulped, your hands shaking nervously as you tried to replicate his smile, "I did— can you give me a moment though?"

why were you still so nervous? why was it all so hard still?

"cheol- i... I wanted to talk about eighth grade and everything—"

"it was all years ago, y/n, it's alright," cheol chuckled but when he looked at your eyes, he knew it was important for you.

"can you still talk to me?"

"yes... but I don't remember half of it!" he began saying but you moved towards him, your eyes practically begging him to talk to you as he sighed, you could see the pink rush up to his cheeks as he looked away from you.

"did you really forget?"

"no, i didn't. i could never."

you smiled at him, "you see cheol— i... I liked you.. a lot and—" you speech wavered as you tried to fetch words to confess to him but, it was still so hard, it was so hard to speak your own heart.

"i know," he said, his eyes kinder as his lips twitched, yearning to break out into a smile. "I know."

that's why you loved him, you didn't have to say everything for him to understand.

"i just- i really wanted to tell you that personally," you smiled up at him gratefully as cheol nodded at you, understanding your motive about your own confession years after, years after you had finally moved on from him.

"did you—" you don't need to ask that.

"did i?"

you don't need his validation so why are you still so stuck on asking him? fuck it, you have already done the heavy part, right?

"as you know that I liked you— a lot," your heart still thumped with every word spilling with your lips but you couldn't help but notice the ease in your limbs, was confessing this liberating?

"did you ever like someone—"

"no," he said with finality, his eyes a little shocked at your question, "i liked... you a lot too," he said with a slight hesitation as he rubbed his nape out of embarrassment. "i liked you for a full year but,"

oh?

"I had assumed that you weren't ready for a relationship— and fuck, i was a coward, so i... i—"

"it's okay," you smiled up at him, you weren't going to let him regret it when you didn't, you were simply happy to hear his side as you shook your head, "it's alright, it was all in the past."

you grinned up at him as he smiled back at you.

nothing else was left to say, you knew you wouldn't ever talk to him after this, you knew that your paths won't cross again, so you relished this moment as much as you could, before you finally said your goodbye. goodbye to your first friend of this foreign school, goodbye to your first love.

you were ecstatic as you stepped in your class, a huge grin on your face as you ran towards hannah and mingyu, your voice full of vigour, "I told him!" you grinned as you jumped at your place, your friends cheering you on as hannah and mingyu passed a lunchbox towards you, while you grinned and told them all the details, happy to realise that, you have finally moved on from your first love.

sometimes fate has something else planned for you, sometimes the fate protects you from fleeting feelings and that's how you and seungcheol were.

sometimes you still wonder about what would've happened if any one of you was just a bit more courageous, but it's all the past right?

be it the right person at the wrong time or unrequited first love.

you didn't end up with seungcheol; but he taught you more than you could've ever learned by yourself.

some mistakes are made throughout your life, but you don't need to regret them.

I don't think you would regret them.

x x x : hey y/n! are you free this weekend?

you smiled at the text as you looked at the calendar, the days were far more easier now.

x x x : would you like to go out with me?

you : sure <3

you chose to speak your heart, you chose your confidence again and it was all thanks to choi seungcheol.

a/n : funfact : i hate miscommunication tropes, but this story was heavily based on my disastrous love life and it's not even half of it <33

hope you liked reading it and i sincerely hope i did a good job writing this; I think that this fic is boring, but I just wanted to type out my story for my relief.

hope you all liked it!

thanks for reading <3

XOXO

[drivestraight]

anatomy of a joke, AKA "oscar's six-year long con ruined by a dutch sim racer," my commentary

first things first: section titles.

originally the section titles were going to be like, "the set-up" "misdirection" "assumptions" "the inciting incident" "misdirection revisited" "assumptions revisited" etc. but then i think that that definitive structure was limiting me so i instead pulled some of my favorite phrases from infinite jest... which i'm only like 1/5 way through haha. but ANYWAY YEAH! i tried to match the vibes of the section with each header.

the vignette-ish style of the fic, which is something i don't really do/am not used to, is framed by these little section titles, and i think it kind of helps set the tone for each section.

/

the place where things break down

aka, where it all starts

imagine being drunk off your face at a club and you accidentally stumble into the darkrooms without realizing they're the darkrooms and u see your teammate pressed up against his friend's side as the friend is very obviously giving him a handjob under the table. imagine that.

but, yeah. the first threesome offer that max extends. and a sort of introduction to whatever the hell the sexual dynamic between norstappen is. re: max initiating things, and lando going along with it no matter what it is. and also their exhibitionism kinks...

/

that most angelic of distortions

assumptions, introduced

i think it was really important to put the first scene into context. norstappen aren't dating, lando's on raya, and max is happily with kelly. kind of important in that it makes oscar question if he really saw what he thought he saw

/

like chess on the run, beautiful and infinitely dense

misdirection, landoscar flirting, but max being present. "infinitely dense" aka oscar being dense throughout this whole thing man

from the "not my fault you're so small" to "flirting with me, piastri?" and "you like how i'm smaller than you" to "think you like it, mate," i wanted to set up the flirty landoscar vibe but in a way that's like - toeing the line, almost too casual to be something real. and then, of course, max comes in, interrupts, and oscar's stomach drops. i think this is the first allusion to oscar's feelings. i wanted to keep it, at this point, as vague as possible. he doesn't address any of his feelings until much later in the fic, but the descriptions: oscar's gaze constantly straying, looking at lando's neck, his sweat, his frame, how he smells, the moles on his face, etc. and how he reacts and gets a bit prickly when max comes in... yeah that's the stuff.

and the whole. max being so physical and taking up the space. and his "i dont mind sharing"... and oscar pulling away. Crazy stuff man.

also lando is chewing gum here... important... i'll explain at the end...

/

something bigger than the self

an interlude

this section kind of stands out but i think it's thematically probably the most important section. it's the clearest, in my opinion, way to understand what's going on.

the whole mclaren / oscar / lando discussion, about mark telling oscar he needs to start fighting for equal treatment, to be smart about it is a parallel to the lando / oscar / max dynamic of the whole fic. don't be soft. they'll eat you alive. oscar wants it (to win with mclaren, to have lando) so badly, but he puts on this air of not caring, when he deeply, deeply cares. mostly out of self preservation, and because he thinks that if he lets people know how much he wants it, he'll end up losing it. it's better to not make an idiot of yourself trying, than to try and fail. he rationalizes the decision with the upgrades too much, and mark reads that as him letting mclaren/lando walk all over him. whether that's true or not, well.

/

the self you cannot live without

the inciting incident

classic carlos. bathroom handies. not much to say here.

/

reducing chaos into pattern

oscar's rationalization

this is where it starts to get a bit more complicated.

“Just good fun,” Lando says, shrugging casually. His voice betrays him. So does the flush on his cheeks. “Like, after races, and stuff.” “Yeah?” Oscar asks. “All it is?” Lando purses his mouth. “All it is,” he repeats. “We’re friends.” Oscar breathes out a sigh. “Friends, right,” he says stiffly.

and then, lando saying that he and oscar are friends too. it's a really tense section, of oscar not saying any of the things he really means, and lando being vague and weird and sort of in denial about what's happening

Oscar thinks about how good their car is this year, especially after the upgrades; how it’s better than the simulations projected; how it’s better than the RB20; how Lando could have won today, but didn’t. Thinks about Max’s rough hand squeezing the back of Lando’s neck in Melbourne; thinks about his palm covering Lando’s mouth in Miami; thinks about how Lando met his eyes and came all over his stomach; thinks about how he instantly called an Uber back to the Hilton and shoved a hand down his trousers before he’d even managed to get the door locked behind him; thinks about Max saying he doesn’t mind sharing. Thinks about Mark telling him to fight for equal treatment. He thinks about Mark telling him to be smart.

oscar thinks... he is a thinker... but yeah after miami he literally just went home and jerked off and felt horrible about it all.

/

that kind of animal grace

intimacy from the outside looking in

obligatory jimmy'z moment. norstappen shotgunning hookah in the most strangely intimate way, as oscar voyeuristically watches, and hates what he sees.

They’re both wearing matching black hats, but Max’s is on backwards. He breathes out a cloud of smoke, and then dips down until his mouth hovers next to Lando’s ear. Lando throws his head back, shoulders rising and trembling. Oscar catches the crinkled crow skin around his eyes and wonders what Max said to make Lando laugh like that. The lights are epileptic as the beat accelerates, punching, synths shrill, ear-grating tremors. The crowd is animated and frantic all around him. Oscar feels deep underwater, heart muffled but startlingly vivid in his ears. He feels frayed, pulled apart, in pieces, fragmented.

he has a cwush... but still at this point, i made sure not to ever, like, say it obviously. just aiming to show oscar's feelings through what he pays attention to, and his physical reactions. he sees them there, and it's probably even worse than what he saw in miami. it doesn't just seem to be something physical, doesn't just seem to be good fun or casual. but if it was just good fun and something casual - it's like, he knows that he couldn't do that. couldn't give lando what he wants, if that's what he wants.

/

that kind of brutish no-care

oscar is pulled in

oscar mr i hate clubbing goes to afterparty and afterparty for reasons that totally have nothing to do with norstappen, of course.

more landoscar flirting! max being flippant about what happened in miami. it's all just good fun to him. he finds it funny, what happened. and then there's the really casual sort of assertiveness when he pats the seat for oscar to sit, tells lando to sit in oscar's lap, and lando does. but lando hesitates. i think it's up to the reader to decide why lando hesitates, but the version i like the most is that oscar isn't just someone he can make a joke out of/he doesn't want to cross some sort of line/make oscar uncomfortable. but max told him to, so he does. i think, maybe, lando is a little bit aware of how oscar feels about him, but it's, again, something that he's not addressing. and he isn't even sure if oscar's into guys, at this moment.

purposeful attention and measured no-care. norstappen can get WEIRD. they're playing a weird little game with oscar, and oscar is the butt of the joke. talking to each other while he's there, but not a part of it. max is nowhere near as emotionally involved as the other two, but there are little moments of possessiveness, reasserting who he is to lando in front of oscar, especially with the hand on his hip at the end. a casual sort of power play, if you want to read it like that.

and the pouring liquor into lando's mouth, and lando just taking it. they are them... max is just very clearly vying for a threesome but oscar just is not biting.

/

to disappear inside the game

the offer

okay a big part about this setting is that. i wanted to be somewhere that wasn't a club 😭 but it also was a good opportunity for them to have a proper talk. another mention of kelly and p was important, again, to bring us back into context of max's situation. really, what's going on with him and lando isn't at the centre of his life. not at all.

meanwhile: tender ankle touches, DTS watch, oscar making fun of how small lando was, and then - lando offering a blowie... because they're frens... max says he's good with his mouth... and then oscar making it all weird. "max doesn't own me" "you sure?" for the millionth time, oscar is shooting himself in the foot. as much as he wishes it didn't, it comes back to max.

also:

“Wasn’t what I was asking,” Lando says. “Was asking you if you think it’s weird.” And Oscar knows that. All this time, he has wanted to scream, Yes, it’s weird. He has a girlfriend and you’re trying to steal a championship from him and I see you, I see you after all the races you finish second to him, beating yourself up and talking yourself down, while he just smiles and grabs you by the shoulder and shakes you around and you let him, you let him do whatever he wants to you, and I understand you’re friends, I understand that you mean something to him and he means something to you, but I cannot understand it, I cannot understand what you’re doing, and whenever I see you two together, I think to myself, There’s no way this can end well. Someone will get hurt. “I think it’s fine,” Oscar says. “You guys are friends.”

this is the first time we get any real, internal address of how oscar is feeling about everything. until now, (at least the narration would hopefully have you think), it was mostly just - him going along with everything, being uncomfortable about a lot of things, but never really expressing why, or any of the internalization of it. it bothered him, but only ever displayed in physical descriptions. here, we see just how much the entire situation frustrates him, and this is where things really start to go off the rails. someone gets hurt.

/

a toast to our knowledge of bodies

austria my beloved.

this is the switching point, of course. the logic is that: max is out of the picture. for the first time, lando and max (seemingly) aren't friends, and for the first time, oscar finds space for himself to be close to lando, without max there (kind of funny though because in the end, it all happens Because of max).

Lando just continues, miserably, to rant about how Max was moving under braking, how he was being stupid and reckless, how he ruined everything for the both of them, and Oscar gets the feeling that this isn’t just about the racing. 

there's the whole lando and max of it all, which i think is, obviously because the fic is from oscar's POV, the most unclear dynamic of it all. oscar isn't sure what it actually is between them, if it really is just casual, but there are moments, like in monaco, where there's intimacy, and there are moments, like in austria, where it feels like it's more than the racing, that oscar questions things. i think it's better when it's unclear, and you have to come to your own conclusions.

I knew it, he wants to say. I knew that something like this would happen and you’d be a wreck about it and it’d matter more to you than it does to him and you’d break your own heart over something you should’ve let go of a long time ago.

bro doesn't know he's talking about himself

/

the body betrays you

rubicons...

i mean. i think what's going on here is pretty clear. oscar likes lando, a lot. lando wants someone to be mean to him, cruel and dismissive, and oscar can only do that to an extent.

/

a kind of love, with artful care

oscar's feelings, revisited

FINALLY. i really wanted a scene like this that showed and didn't tell, but showed really clearly what oscar hasn't been addressing this whole time: since he was seventeen, he's kind of sort of had this flame for lando. maybe it didn't take root for real until they became teammates, but it was still there, a little seedling for 6 years. there's something about lando that makes you care. oscar has cared, for 6 years, and even in their first meeting, which he remembers and lando doesn't, he took care of him. if the extent of oscar's feelings were unclear before this, hopefully this section was like loud alarm sirens lmao.

/

the judgement and punishing fall

the comedown...

“We don’t—” Lando says, mouth opening and closing rapidly, the physical not caught up to the mental. Oscar doesn’t know what’s going through his head right now. He’s kind of afraid to find out. “Like, we don’t have to talk about it.” “Lando,” Oscar repeats, feeling frozen. He feels like an idiot, sitting with his dick out in the wet spot where Lando came, the car spinning out from under him, a passenger. “It was just good fun, right?” Lando asks, with a shaking smile. He’s never looked so small. “That’s all it ever is.”

this is about norstappen. their dynamic is difficult for me to just, like, outright say what it is, but these little things help give it some shape. it's just good fun, that's all it ever is.

you could also read this as lando being frightened by the care that oscar showed him, and running away, because it felt like it meant so much. because it was too much, etc. the more i try to explain what's happening here, i feel like it starts to lose its magic but. it's all there, and you can read whatever you'd like between the lines.

/

the religion of the physical

the comedown, cont.

mostly just a transitionary section. it's like it never happened. <3

/

worshipper at the temple

the reckoning

Max is smiling at him, and Oscar thinks about how he and Lando made up the day after Austria. Oscar saw the headlines all over social media, how Lando had texted Max early in the morning to sort things out, how they’re friends again. Always friends. How they’ll keep racing, hard.

the scenes when oscar realized that lando fled from his hotel room after they had sex and stayed up for hours drafting a text to max. like he's going fucking THROUGH it. and it's made worse. when max tells him that lando told him what happened. "how was he? was he good?" max might be the worst person in the world 💀 but it's another, like, show of possession. "you can have him, if you want" aka. i'll let you have him. he's mine to give.

“For what it is worth,” Max eventually says, “I think he likes you too.”

maybe this is true. i'm not sure if it's worth anything, at this moment in time.

and. mwahaha. max is chewing gum. lando was chewing gum at the start of the scene. i wonder if it's the same piece of gum. wouldn't that be gross and crazy.

“Have a lovely night, Oscar,” Max says, finally making to leave. But before Oscar can let out a breath of relief, he pauses, turning back around on his heels to add, “Oh, by the way, my offer is of course still open, if you ever change your mind.”

bro who is still vying for a threesome even after all of that 💀

/

okay. yeah. WOW! what a fic. hope you guys enjoyed it & my commentary, if you got this far.

[thelittleliars]

Bodyguard

Natasha Romanoff x fem!Reader

Warnings: anxiety/panic attack, alcohol, drunkness

Words: 3.3k

Summary: you are Natasha's bodyguard at a Comic Convention

AN: Hi everyone! Had this cute little idea in my head for a month or two and now it's finally yours!

Camera flashes shone into your faces, fans who were crying and screaming rang into your ears to the point it hurt to. Fans were pushing until people fell to the ground and got hurt. This was madness.. everything was just pure chaos. You were mad at the convention organizers, they either should have hired more security or simply sold less tickets. You were one of Natasha Romanoff's bodyguards for public events gor year already and not a single event had been as fucked up as this one. Yes conventions were an entire different story then red carpets or pride events but it still could have been all avoided if the organizers wouldn't have been so greedy. 

Three other bodyguards of her and you tried to get Natasha from the entrance to the backstage area. But you moved in a snail pace since a tons of fans blocked every way to reach for the Black Widow. "Move out of the way!" You yelled over the loud noise. The disrespect of these people really got under your skin, you got extremely angry but you tried not to push the people harshly. You felt Natasha's small frame pressed against your back as you guys made your way through the large crowd. And since you knew her well, you knew in right that moment she was full of anxiety and most likely on the brink of an anxiety/panic attack. "IF YOU DON'T MOVE OUT THE WAY THEN NOBODY GETS TO SEE THE BLACK WIDOW AT ALL TODAY!" You threatened them. Something with the way you yelled it must had struck with a bunch of people since they backed off quickly afterwards. You soon could move smoothly towards the backstage entrance, where you made sure that Natasha was alright by guiding her to mimic your breaths. When that didn't work you tried another method. "What things do you see five times?" You asked her. She looked around. "I see five chairs." You continued with four things she saw. "Four pens." The two continued counting down. Three tables. Two doors. One apple. When you felt she was pretty alright you lead her to one of the chairs and brought a water bottle. "Here drink this." 

Natasha appreciated you as her bodyguard so much, not only because you her only female bodyguard but also since you were the only one who always made sure that she was alright and if that weren't the case you helped and comforted her until she was her old self. "Thank you." You nodded your before kneeling in front of her, taking one free hand in yours and looked into her green eyes. Natasha still looked distraught from being mobbed but being with you helped her immensely. She concentrated on the feeling of your warm hand along with how they both fit so wonderful together. It made her heart clench with want. She actually longed to be closer to you, being her bodyguard was not enough for her anymore. The want to feel your touch every second of the day was consuming her thoughts, she also wished to know what your lips felt like on hers. But before she could think further you brought her out of those thoughts. "Are you good to continue the schedule at this convention today?" You asked with worry in your voice. It's another thing Natasha liked about you, you were a stone cold front for everyone but her. For her you were such a softie and always so goddamn gentle, it drove her insane. "Only with you by my side." 

"Of course! That's what I'm being paid for." You teased her. "The autograph sessions are gonna be so fun so much fun." The evil smile on your face was something the Black Widow rarely saw but she knew you wouldn't do anything but sitting next to her and looking at the people in line who probably would be squirming underneath your gaze. That alone brought you joy and she knew that. After you guys met up with the other Avengers, they all went on stage and answered a bunch of questions from the interviewer and fans. It went smoothly except for some inappropriate questions that were directed to Natasha. The second they went backstage again and she saw you, she knew you were angry at the people who asked inappropriate and sexist questions. She put her hand on your arm, telling you everything was alright but it still didn't sit okay with you. It was 2023 and people still were asking questions when they just should mind their own goddamn business. Why would literally anyone want to know what she Black Widow is wearing underneath her suit? Anyone with an IQ can greatly assume it's underwear and even it she were naked underneath, in what world was that your business?? "I hate it too Y/N. But look on the bright side, that one guy who were beyond the line got an ass-whopping from a tons of fans in the audience. Not only that but Steve answered the question as if it was his." 

"I really liked his answer. 'Would anybody really want to flash themself to the enemy if there's a malfunction with the suit or it gets torn in a battle?'" You mimicked him and his reply. "It was such a huge statement that shut that boy up real quick. In my opinion, he deserves more than just Steve shutting him up but I can't do anything about it, can it?" 

Natasha shock her head. "No you can't but I appreciate what he did and what you'd do anyways." With a smile you lead her further into the backstage area and waited for the staff to get you to the next scheduled event.

Later when Natasha was hours into writing autographs, you noticed her hand and wrist movement being awfully off. You asked a staff member to bring an ice pack if not available then a cold wet towel. Instead of the staff guy you talked to, Natasha's manager, who was only there for these kinda public events, came with the ice pack you had requested. "How long do you think she can still last?" He asked you as he whisper talked to you. "An hour or two but no longer. If you ask me I'd arrange the queue in a way that all children with their supervisors should cut to the front, maybe even all teenage girls." 

You glance at Natasha who brightly smiled at some girl who seemed to be in their twenties. "She'll work through the pain till the end of line of I know for sure that we have to cut it way before that so I'd really consider that at least these kids get a chance to get their superhero before we have to shut it down." He nodded then told you he'd discuss it with the organizers. 

By the time he went away your attention was back to the red headed superhero next to you. "Gimme your wrist." She was stubborn and did not give you her wrist, acting as if everything was perfectly fine. You were patient enough though and waited a few minutes until the teenager who was talking to Natasha was gone. Next in line was a a mother with a girl that couldn't have been older than 5 years old. You smiled at them and politely told them to wait a second. "You either give me your wrist now or we have to cut short way sooner than you want to." You told the Widow sternly. She sighed but gave you her left wrist anyways. You gently put the gel ice pack, which was in a towel, onto her wrist to cool down the swelling that was caused by signing autographs all day long. While you held the pack in place, the small girl put down a cute stuffed teddy bear onto the table while sweetly telling Natasha that it's for her. You were about to take it and put it aside as you did with all her other gifts too when she beat you to it and let it rest against the front of her body. "The bear stays." You respected her request without saying anything, she talked with the kid for a bit before asking for her name to sign the poster that they brought with them. You let go of her wrist, she signed the poster with the girls name and thanked them for coming. 

This time she took the ice pack from you herself and laid it on the table so that she could rest her arm on the table better and more comfortable. At some point Dave, her manager came back with convention staff and rearrange the queue exactly the you proposed to him. An hour later you saw it in her eyes that she couldn't do much more. You hauled down Dave and he cut the line after an elderly woman who waited in line for what seemed like hours. "What a lovely team you have! They were very nice to let me still meet you." The old lady started to ramble. "I'm not sure if you recognize me but you saved me and my husband at the alien attack in 2012! Oh sweet girl I have to thank you so much for that. The shock was deep afterwards and we had to see a specialist and they found something in my husbands organs and it literally saved him again. After his surgery and recovery we started traveling more and saw so many beautiful places before." She then gifted Natasha some crystals that they had found on their trips around the world. "Ohh I probably should hurry. Your people are waiting."

Natasha and you both answered her at the same time. You said that there was no rush and the superhero told her that she should take all the time she needs. The elderly had such a relieved look on her face that it made your heart warm. She introduced herself as Martha and she started telling you both, she included you by constantly looking at you and back to Natasha, how the Black Widow still became her idol at such an old age and how inspiring everything was with what the red head did. Before Natasha even came to signing the free autograph card, she asked Martha if she wanted to take a photo with her. The woman was bubbling over with joy. Especially when Natasha told her she'd sign another autograph card for her husband for free. And since some fans never went away and just stayed to ogle at the woman, some angry words were spewed out of jealousy. You gave each of those people a death glare that shut them up for good but you insisted for Martha to come with Natasha and your security. Fans were chaotic and it wouldn't surprise you if some people would get violent with her just to get her autographs and spread hate. Your goal was to protect both woman even if your job contained only to protect the superhero at all costs. After leaving the Black Widow backstage you brought Martha to her car and waited until she drove off. With the assurance that she left safely, you went back to get Natasha and the both of you got into the van that was designated for her to get driven back to the Hotel. 

As soon as you arrived in your room you immediately jumped into the shower to clear your mind since all of your thoughts were consumed by how sweet Natasha was with the fans. By the time you were done, your stomach was a rumbling mess, looking through the menu you ordered  yourself some fries and a burger thanks to room service. You changed quickly into a tshirt and some shorts, then looking at all your notifications of your personal phone that was hidden in the hotel room safe. A tons of it were from twitter, people tagging you in videos and photos, gushing and freaking out over how cute you & Natasha were together. There was a particular tweet with two photos attached that made your stomach flip. The first one was you looking grumpily at fans but Natasha was looking at you lovingly, the second was the exactly opposite. You were looking at her, what fans described as heart eyes, as she was smiling at a younger fan. You send the tweet to Natasha through iMessage with a simple 'lol' as caption. 

Meanwhile, Natasha was sitting at the hotel bar with a drink in one hand and her phone in her hand. She also was looking through tweets that fans added her in. When you sent her that tweet she was staring at the same photo already. She felt butterflies in her belly when she saw the way you looked at her, so soft and protective. But that feeling vanished into a clump of anxiety when she read your message. The simple 'lol' to that tweet of you guys gazing at each other when the one of you wasn't looking was a punch to her gut. She quickly typed a reply in hope it would be a good answer.

Fans ship me with anyone who's 3 feet near me. Sorry you have to experience that. 

I don't mind. I feel flattered that so many people actually think I have "insane chemistry" with THE Black Widow. 

I'm still sorry about it all. It can get pretty intense with some fans. They ship people so much to a point that they'll get delusional of every single interaction.

Ahh so I shouldn't be surprised if at some point I see a tweet of someone being super convinced that we're married? 

If that happens I'll definitely gonna fuck with them and post "hints" of my non existing relationship with you.

Maybe I should join in with your little jokes?

I'd love that. Wanna start already? I'll come over to your room after I finish my food?

I'm at the bar.

Ohh even better. I'll be down in 10. Don't have too much fun without your "girlfriend" 😉

Before she knew it a new notification from twitter popped up. It was you tagging her in a tweet.  

After a long convention day w/ @BlackWidow I finally get some alone time with my date. 

Her heart started to beat faster than it did before. She had to re-read it a bunch of times before it true sunk it that you meant her as the date. And then, suddenly out of nowhere you stood beside her ordering yourself a bottle of beer. "I'm wondering how you felt about today. Well rather about how you feel about this texan comic con compared to the other 3 we've been to." 

She sighed not wanting to think much about today since it all was overwhelming and exhausting but she couldn't deny you this answer since she knew you wanted to know this for future events. You wanted to make sure that she was alright and comfortable after a day like today. "The mob in the morning was awful but the autograph session and panel was fine. You hummed while taking a sip from your bottle, still watching here face to see if there was any discomfort or hatred towards the convention but all you saw was the hidden exhaustion. She was masking once again and you hated seeing her like this, though you knew why she did it that moment, you both were still in a public space and both of you were always careful incase paparazzi's were around. "So you'd be up for another convention?" She nodded but also told you that it wouldn't happen anytime soon. The superhero needed time to process this huge overwhelming and exhausting event first. And that wasn't an easy task. When you suggested to move this little drinking party that the two of you had into your room, she was quick to agree with your idea. The more privacy the better. 

While you guys had been in the elevator, one of the two of you started to giggle and then the other one joined in and now nobody could actually stop. The giggling died down as you walked out the elevator and immediately stopped when you went around the corner. Your ex girlfriend was coming your way and you did not want her to recognize you. So you turned back around to Natasha, who also stopped laughing, now with a worried look on her face. Before she could even ask what was wrong you asked her to kiss you. She shocked out a shocked what. "Just kiss me please. I'll explain later." The urgency in your voice was something that Natasha didn't miss so she stopped thinking and dived in. And what a kiss it was. You never thought kissing the superhero would get you so deeply lost and leaving you with wanting more. 

Since you were so engrossed in the kiss, you almost didn't hear your ex scolding you both. "These kids from today.." You tried your best not to burst out into laughter right then when you still had your lips locked with the red head. As soon as she disappeared in the elevator, Natasha broke the kiss. "Kids from today? Apparently I'm not in my thirties yet. That's good." She said then looked back into your eyes. "So why the need for a kiss Y/N?"

You gulped hard while feeling heat creeping up on you since you now felt a little embarrassed to tell her the truth. "That was my ex." Even though you both saw her disappearing, Natasha took a double look to where ex just had been. She couldn't fathom you dating someone so much older. "You dated her? That clearly very old lady??" 

"That was around ten years ago, alright? She was happily throwing more money at me than she was already paying me for and I loved the money." You told her truthfully. It was no surprise for you that she was shocked about it. "You worked for her and then became a couple?" You nodded shyly at her question. 

"Don't judge okay? I was young and dumb." You were feeling the awkwardness, that was a first between you two, there was hardly ever a awkward moment between you. Not only the awkwardness but also the silence was killing you slowly. 

Natasha on the other hand was thinking hard, if you mixed business with pleasure once already, would you do it again? Were you willing to kiss her? With the way you looked at her you had to, right? If the fans were seeing something between you two then there had to be some bit truth to it. But what if she overstepped and all of this was unconsensual? She'd hate of she was treating you the way other people treated her. Thanks to her overthinking she didn't notice her inching closer to you until she felt your breath on her face. That snapped her out of the deepest thoughts she was in. The world suddenly seemed to stop for the both of you. The kiss from earlier played in your heads like a broken record but before anything could go further Natasha distanced her from you. "I think I'm a bit more tipsy than I thought I were." She apologized and looked away. 

"And I think I'm drunk since I want you to kiss me again." You sighed. That piped her interest. "Well we do have great chemistry." You smiled at her and nodded. "I won't deny that. But I'm afraid to cross that line again." 

"We won't cross that line if it's just one night right?" You agreed to that then pulled her into a desperate kiss. Her hands  went straight to your waist, pulling you even closer. You didn't know who starting dragging the other person into your hotel room, all you knew for certain was that the night was full of passion and satisfying all your needs. 

What you both didn't realize in your tipsy-drunk state was that you in fact crossed that line by sleeping with each other. Even fans noticed that something had changed with you and Natasha. 

[cyberpxnk]

until the moon and stars fall | jeong yunho

♡ pairing: yunho x chubby!reader ♡ chapters: 1 out of 1 ♡ word count: 2.3k ♡ genre: nonidol! au, comfort/hurt, fluff, established relationship

♡ synopsis: your bad day at work takes a turn for the worse but despite it all, jeong yunho never fails to be there for you.

♡ warnings/tags: chubby!reader, no gendered terms for reader, a lil self indulgent, cussing, body/fat shaming, mentions of body image, bullying, minor kissing, maybe a lil cliche but bear w/ me

♡ author’s note:  this one is for all my chubby babes and customer service workers !! i've never rly written comfort before..,,.. so i hope it's like... ok for y'all :sweating_emoji: maybe i was a lil self indulgent on this one, but i hope u all enjoy it !!

The big fat zero in your face taunted you, reminding you of the awful day you have to endure for another hour. It wasn't often that you received no tip for your services, but the gods really rained down on you today, offering little sympathy.

Being a restaurant worker was tough shit, just as every other food industry and customer service job was. You hate it, really, but it was good money for a broke college student like yourself. 

Between classes, there were days you managed to muster up your feigned smile of politeness to customers, serving them while dealing with their all too present bullshit attitude. Of course, not all your patrons were so unlovely but today... Man.

Two hours in and you're ready to rip off your apron and book it home. You're not sure what's going on with you, but clearly nothing good. Already having spilled several drinks and messing up an order, you know it's not your day.

Even the zero tip didn't surprise you at this point. What did matter is that you had to make it through the rest of your ungodly shift and just get the hell out of there. Maybe you would look for a new job or something, anything to sate your present worries. 

What seemed worst of all was the ceaseless teasing that came from your coworker. She's the new girl, having barely worked with you, yet she was pompous and held herself with an air of arrogance as if you were someone of lowly status and she, royalty. 

Unlike yourself, she radiated haughtiness and garnered attention from all types of people. You're not sure why she even worked as a server, but you suppose her pretty looks helped her out quite a bit. If not for her atrocious attitude hidden beneath her sickening saccharine smile, perhaps you would be swayed too. 

"Didn't get tipped, porky? Serves you right for messing up so much today." 

Yeah, there it was. Cliche beautiful and slender girl poking fun at her less than fortunate chubby coworker. Let's get one thing straight though, you don't hate yourself or your body. But her? That's a different story. Well, she certainly made it a little harder not to be self conscious, even if you tried your best on most days. 

"Mhm," is all you manage back to her, lips pulled tight in a grimace as you continue to go about your work. Dealing with her was just another thing upon the pile of shit you didn’t have the energy for. 

And you don’t particularly enjoy being reminded of how your uniform stretched uncomfortably over your larger frame or how your thick thighs often chafed together, holes forming in the fabric between your legs, which resulted in you buying way too many new pairs of work pants. Ugh. 

Your coworker did enough complaining for the both of you, oftentimes taking a tone of mockery. On more than one occasion, you could recall her poking at your stomach in disgust before asking something along the lines of, "how do you even fit in the uniform? Did you have to order those rags off a plus size website?" 

Yeah, in fact you did but that's irrelevant! You wonder when a grown woman like herself would get tired of teasing you, but it's been months and she's still going strong. 

You can deal with it. You hope. Just one more hour, just one more hour — one more hellish hour and maybe you'll quit. 

Another fifty minutes of waiting tables and withholding your anger, you know you're at the homestretch. As you balance a tray of dirty dishes, you mosey your way over to the back when you suddenly find yourself stumbling, barely catching how your coworker stuck her foot out before you. 

No, no, no! What the hell kind of movie-esque moment was this? Surely enough, you trip over her leg and crumple to the ground, food and plates scattering messily along the floor. 

The sound of her obnoxious laughter fills the air, growing louder in volume as she cackles, throwing her head back in a fit of malevolent glee. 

"Oh my god! Can you do anything right, fatso?" 

A rush of emotions and you're on your feet, wiping away some of the food remnants from your uniform. Hot anger is flooding through you and you're visibly seething. 

"What is your issue, bitch?" You've held your tongue for too long and your eyes are welling up with tears, though you're unsure if it's from the unbridled rage or the overwhelming flood of negative feelings you're experiencing. 

"Your fat ass is my issue! I hate seeing you at work. Nobody wants you here. Even the customers don't tip you because they lose their appetite after they see they're being waited on by a whale!" 

The silence that falls over the restaurant is unsettling, tension palpable as nobody utters a word, hers still ringing in your ears. Even your manager who peers from behind the kitchen keeps quiet, unsure of how to handle the escalating situation. 

Not that they were very helpful anyway, always allowing your coworker to have her way — insisting that she was just "joking" and that she didn't mean any harm. Ha, pretty privilege. 

It was fine though. You had enough. This was the last straw and you would be sure to show them that you wouldn't take her shit any longer. You didn't deserve it. 

In your flurry of emotions, what you fail to see is your boyfriend hovering near the front door. Clutched in his hands, he holds a paper cup filled with a latte and the other is a crumpled paper baggie with your favorite pastry. 

Jeong Yunho was truly the epitome of sweet. Even after his long shifts as a barista, he never failed to make time for you. It was different today though. Something in the winds whispered to him that day, the energy unnerving as his stomach churned nervously during the last few hours on the clock. 

Not wanting to ignore the feeling, he was determined to see you. If whatever gods or deities were compelling him to check up on his partner today, then that's just what he would do. 

What he didn't expect to find was his said lover covered in slop, hair astray and tears threatening to fall from your eyes. If not for the last semblance of his senses steadying him, he would have stomped over in a fit of fury. 

Yunho nearly did though, hands just barely unclenching the items he held. The scene unfolding before him... he should have stopped it, yet he couldn't will himself. The determined look in your eyes advised him otherwise.

It was clear that you had snapped. Despite your current state of disarray, you held up your head high and pressed your pointer finger to your coworker's chest, practically spitting out your next words, venom dripping with each syllable. 

"You must get some sick sense of pleasure tearing other people down," you stepped forward and she stumbled back, eyes wide with bewilderment, "you're projecting pretty hard."

"Excuse m-" you interrupted her, moving another stride forward until she was cornered to the wall. 

"You must hate yourself so much that you need to resort to shitty high school bullying tactics to feel better about yourself. I feel sorry for you." 

Watching as you defend yourself, Yunho feels his chest swell with pride yet it pained him knowing you had been handling this problem all alone and he didn't know for how long. Several times in passing, you had mentioned your troublesome colleague to him but he never realized how awful to an extent it was.

"I'm done here, honestly. I'm sick of your attitude and I'm sick of management's negligence." You untie your apron and toss it at her face, watching as she fumbles slightly whilst trying to catch the fabric.

She sputters in response, her face twisting with rage as she points an accusing finger to you. 

"Even if you leave here, you'll never be liked and loved. Not with that disgusting body of yours. Do us all a favor and hit the gym after you're gone."

It is Yunho's turn to intervene as he steps closer to you all, protectively hooking one arm around your side. The gifts he previously held were long forgotten, abandoned at some table in favor of defending you. 

His entrance seems to startle everyone, including yourself as you jump slightly before you reach over, curling into the familiarity of his hold. The man squeezes you once, pressing a kiss to the side of your head.

You don't know how long he's been standing there, but you can see his gaze narrowed in a sharp glare. There's a fire alight in his eyes, wisps of anger that you rarely find on your gentle boyfriend's features. The heart shaped lips you're so used to seeing upturned are pulled taut in a line, displeasure clear upon his face. 

"You're wrong. It's you who will never feel true love. Not with that nasty, ugly heart of yours." There's a sharp edge to his voice, steely and void of any remorse. You know he wants to say more with how his jaw clenches yet he turns you both around with haste and leads you toward the exit without another sound.

As you both walk out in silence, his hold drops from your waist and his hand is reaching for yours, fingers intertwining with a gentle weave. It's only seconds later before he's helping you into his car, buckling you in before he gets in the opposite side and begins driving home.

No words are exchanged, a quiet stillness in the air. Though he has one hand on the wheel, the other still grips yours as you idly play with his fingers. You try to distract yourself from the earlier events, tracing gentle shapes along his knuckles. 

It's only until you're back within the safety of your shared home do the tears you've withheld finally drip down your cheeks. You sniffle once and then twice before you're sobbing. 

Yunho's arms around you are immediate, holding you against his frame as he gently rocks you within the security of his protective embrace.

His soft whispers of reassurance and comfort fill your ears as you soak through his shirt with your tears. He clutches you tighter, never letting go even as your cries begin to wane.  Minutes pass, and you're unsure of how long you're standing there before you sniffle quietly and reluctantly pull yourself from his chest.

When you finally look to meet his eyes, your breath catches in your throat. Yunho looks at you painstakingly, his gaze so tender that you practically melt in his arms. Your lip quivers at the sight.

"I love you," he whispers so faintly that you barely hear him. The warmth of his affections flood you, shaking your very heart to the core. Though he need not say more than those three things, he relents. 

"You're everything to me..." He speaks breathlessly, his lips repeatedly finding yours between sweet and inaudible murmurs. You're sinking into his touch, blinking back the wetness in your eyes as his loving touches ghost along the soft curves of your body.  

"Your size doesn't matter and it will never dictate how you should be loved. It doesn't make you any less attractive, any less desirable, any less lovable, any less you." 

The tears begin to form in your eyes again, and you're unable to stop the steady stream of waterworks as your heart trembles from his admission. Your hands grasp his shirt and you open your mouth, though no sound follows.

"Jagiya..." Your eyes flutter as his breath fans over your face, his lips brushing away each tear as they fall.

You know there aren't enough words to express how he looks to you in adoration, how delicately he reaches to cup your tear stained cheeks, how he kisses you as if you're so fragile you may break from his dainty touches. 

"The love I have for you seeps from my soul. I never want to waste a minute without loving you to the fullest." 

There is a brief pause as he rests his forehead to yours, his palms still clutching your face with the utmost care. 

"To me, you are ethereal. To me, you are divine. To me, you are perfect. If I am without you, then I would travel the stars just to see you." 

His proclamation strikes your soul so deeply that you can't help the way your heart beats readily, nearly bursting from your rib cage. He describes you as if you were of the heavens and you almost feel unworthy of his affections, yet you can't help but to believe the sincerity of his words.

The feeling of his unyielding passion is all it takes for another wave of tears and he's no sooner repeating his actions, kissing away each drop that slips from your eyes. 

"I love you so much," you say, unable to elicit anything more than just that between your soft cries. Your voice trembles with such emotion that Yunho understands you needn't say more. 

With your hand grasping his, you lay it over your chest and allow him to feel your heartbeat, showing him just how much his radiance and purity of love stirs you so.  

Yunho mirrors your action, and you feel his pulse steady to your palm. The lull of his essence roots you and grounds you to the very earth. 

Until the stars and moon fell from the sky, just as he cherished you, you would cherish him tenfold. Just as he loved you, you would love him eternally.

[raphaelapproves]

Today, focus was a precious commodity and I ended up behind at work so did not get the chance to post the conversation as promised.

But now, here we are, the "conversation"--and I do use that term loosely--that I had with an Astarion girlie.

Allow me to set the scene.

This happened on a video where a streamer was, I assume, HORRIFIED to find that if she just self-insert played the game with answers she would give--SHOCK!--Gale was the companion who liked her the most. I can't imagine why.

Anyway, the comments section was the predictable Gale-bashing. Some in good fun. Most of it not. And I'm me, so I just couldn't help myself, because I see too much of my younger self [ who still tried to engage with people and connect but didn't know how ] in Gale, so I responded to a couple of comments. This was the one that prompted this little meeting of the... well, one mind and then whatever the other person was operating with. Must have been a different Operating System, because it sure didn't make sense to me.

It is below the cut, as are my thoughts because it turned into a long post as, apparently, I had many thoughts.

Astarion Girlie [ henceforth AG ]: THEN HE CAN GO SUCK OFF LETTO II ON ARRAKIS CUZ I AM NOT HERE FOR GALE'S SEXIST A$$ 😤

Me: First: how is Gale sexist? Second: and yet you're okay with Astarion [ NOTE: the username had something to do with what Astarion could do for them, so I made an educated guess ] who is canonically racist, knowingly lured people to their deaths, and was fine with condemning the world for himself???

AG: are you serious??? 🤣 Gale mansplains EVERYTHING to the women around him including magic to other magic-user, uses coercion as a flirting tactic, & slvt-shames Tav if you're romancing someone else.

Me: Wow. There is so much wrong with that. 1) Tell me you don't have an autistic friend without telling me. 2) He explains to EVERYONE not just women. 3) Genuinely? What coercion? 4) He just tells you -- He isn't for an open relationship [ says he wishes you had asked him first which is y'know healthy? ] and asks you to choose, then says he wishes you well if you don't choose him.

AG: have you considered touching grass?

Me: This is such an intelligent rebuttal. Brava! So insightful and useful to a debate. Have you considered maybe listening to others without belitting them because you can't have a friendly discussion?

AG: 1) all of my friends are auDHD and so am i. you're an ableist joke. 😘 2) now you're gale-splaining his sexism 😂 3) i'm not interested in continuing with someone as clearly unwell as you are, bye!

Me: I AM autistic, friend. 2) It's not sexism if he's literally explaining his special interest to EVERYONE regardless of sex. 3) Again, quite mature. Thank you. 👏👏👏

I am just. How??? can anyone be so ??? I do not even have a word for it. It baffles me.

Astarion has canonically done terrible things, would canonically do many even more terrible if not swayed from it, and yet Gale??? is the one with whom they have a problem??? And they can't even logic their own argument???

As someone who is autistic and has been a victim of continued mental and emotional abuse from someone who always wanted to play the victim card and as someone who was always given the excuse "well they're not well and you know it, so you just have to deal with it and don't argue" when they're going out of their way to make your life hell and trying to frame you as their own personal villain, up to and including gaslighting you to the point of nearly two decades of depression, making you feel like you were broken and the worst human being in the world, and having you contemplating things you shouldn't, and them lying to others about things that happened or things that were said to get you in trouble, I get very, very tired of the mentality I see so much around the crazed Astarion Girlies of excusing everything he has ever done and being unable to even acknowledge a single flaw and attacking anyone who does say anything.

I have and continue to live that, have been and continue to be on the other side of it having to suffer because someone else wasn't held accountable, and I am Tired. [ At least now, thanks to my best friend in the entire world, I can see it for what it is and I'm in at least a better place now mentally, 98% of the time. ]

[ NOTE: This is NOT against the Astarion writers I have seen on here. Please do not misunderstand. The Astarion writers I follow on here are the only reason I can still even marginally like the character at this point. He is fascinating. He is multi-faceted. It's one of the things I love to see explored by those who I follow. It is always interesting to see people write complex and even morally difficult characters because that, too, is a form of understanding humanity. It's one of the things I love exploring with my anti-heroes and villains. In Baldur's Gate, that would include characters like Raphael, Gortash, Dirge, etc. So please know I am not hating on any Astarion writers! Everyone I follow is amazing! ]

But when you bring up those character flaws and morally difficult things that does make the character so complex and multi-faceted, these are the responses you get:

Astarion is a victim!

Yes, that is true. But Gortash who, let's be honest, at least doesn't fully know what he's doing is wrong [ you pass the insight checks and what not/narration tells you/the VA tells you that he thinks he's doing the right thing for himself and for the city, etc. and with the way he was raised, what example did he have to the contrary but I've already gone on that rant HERE ] is to the smallest degree even less culpable in my mind than Astarion, and he doesn't get a pass the way Astarion does? And he certainly shouldn't. He isn't absolved. He is doing terrible things whether he can fully rationalize it or not with his understanding of life.

Astarion though, acknowledges on multiple occasions, gives excuses, justifies his actions at every turn while still knowing that what he's doing and planning to do is wrong. And it's heavily implied that he really wasn't all that great of a person BEFORE Cazador either [ that is not to say that he deserved what happened either, just to clarify ]. But the point is Astarion did, at one point, having come from what seems an affluent family, have a knowledge of right and wrong and still made decisions that he made, even before Cazador and after once he was free.

Cazador made him do those things! Yes, he did, but that excuse stopped the moment Cazador's control was no longer an issue. He had free will and a knowledge of right and wrong, and he made the decisions he made.

But it was a habit by then! It was what he learned to survive!

And that coupled with the knowledge of right and wrong goes only so far as the moment you choose to knowingly make your trauma someone else's. Cazador wasn't going to force him to do the Ascension ritual and pay 7,000 souls for his own betterment. "Because after 200 years of SHIT, PURE SHIT, I think I deserve better." A paraphrase, but I think I caught the most important parts. He knew it was wrong, he acknowledges it and immediately tries to justify himself, and is still quite willing to do it. Literally, if he kills you by draining your blood, he acts like nothing ever happened and then tries to sweep it under the rug with Tav if they continue to be upset about it by telling them there's no reason to be.

And yet, we have a problem with Gale, who can be or come across as condescending at times, but I think you can hardly call a man sexist who made his girlfriend his entire personality--since she was the goddess of his SPECIAL INTEREST--and continues to put her word above even his own life, prioritize her forgiveness over his continued existence and who takes such great interest in literally everything Lae'zel has to say about the Astral Plane and her people. We have a problem with a man who is honest about his comfort zone? Who loves your PC even if you become a mindflayer? Who only takes issue with you when you do something morally bad? Who literally gives you approval points for anything even remotely resembling a good choice? Who feels like he doesn't even deserve a place in the world and would gladly give himself up for any one of his companions?

He's always harassing me for items!!!! AND HE GOT MAD WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM TO HIM!!!

The count is THREE and you can give the man the most trash items you have and he still thanks you and tells you that he will repay your kindness because he knows what such sacrifice means. He is thanking you--just as he gets mad at you if you don't--because he literally has a ticking bomb in his chest that would kill not only HIM if it de-stabilized and exploded, but also anyone within the vicinity.

Well he betrayed Mystra!!!

He tried to get on equal footing with someone he loved, to share in something he loved with the person who embodied it. Was he overly ambitious? Absolutely. [ And honestly, tell me it's not Gifted Kid Syndrome -coded to assume that he could do this impossible thing. ] Did it cost him? Yes. And then Mystra, who could have fixed it and didn't cast him off. And he still prayed to her. And took all of the blame on himself, despite the fact that Mystra shares more than a little responsibility for what transpired. [ I.E. all of the Origin PCs have been victims in this game, in some way or another, and some if not all of them to power imbalances in relationships. Why does anyone think Gale is the one exception? ]

HE'S MANSPLAINING TO ME!!!

He is literally telling you all about his special interest and probably assuming that you don't know much about it, or at least not as much as him, because he was literally a Chosen of Mystra and an Archmage. Again, can he be condescending and huffy at times? Yes. He absolutely can. Call it a character flaw. Everyone has them, but you know what? His doesn't condemn anyone to death, so why are we up at arms?

HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!

And that is his prerogative and he's straightforward and honest with you about it. He tells you--if you already started flirting with or seeing someone--that he wishes you had the courtesy to tell him first [ which, IS IN FACT the healthy way to go about a relationship of that nature, just as shown with Halsin insisting you ask your partner first ]--but if you choose the other person, he wishes you both well, usually gives some compliment to the other person, and then continues to treat you well as long as you weren't rude and demeaning to him during or after the fact.

So why???? Is so much of the fanbase SO AGGRESSIVELY against Gale? But Astarion is uwu Babygirl and can do no wrong? What about defending Gale makes me "so unwell", but how DARE anyone rightfully criticize even the smallest thing about Astarion because [ insert extensive list of reasons why none of that should matter ].

That he is a victim, that he's pretty, that his VA has a great voice and personality, et cetera, does not excuse that Astarion has knowingly done terrible things both against and within his will and will do so again without hesitation if he helps him, particularly if your Durge or Tav doesn't try or manage to sway him.

Make this make sense to me, because I certainly cannot seem to make it do so.

I've said it before with that Gortash post I linked above and I said it on a similar post for Zevlor and somewhere that I was talking about Minthara and Nere, but the double standards within a loud portion of this fanbase--even within the game itself and among the people who worked on it--is not one of its better qualities.

[terramythos]

System Collapse by Martha Wells Reading Notes

Full Review Here!

-ohhh fuck new murderbot explodes

Chapter 1

-I am glad to continue the "slightly out of order even in microcosm" style

-ok WHAT is it redacting. It sounds embarrassing.

-"I could have said a one liner but the ag bot scientifically couldn't understand me if I did so why bother" omg

-Another Sec Unit with somewhat heavy focus, which potentially tried to kill Murderbot, I'm sure this will be irrelevant and have no implications

-multiple uses of 'it/us'.

-God I love ART

-well I think one fun idea we could explore is there being rogue Sec Units completely separate from Murderbot (/Three, who Murderbot freed). It is theoretically possible others could have figured out what Murderbot did, or even other methods it didn't.

Chapter 2

-"fuck proprietary software" rant. So real bestie

-the slavery theme continues. Like obviously it's major to Murderbot as a character, but here the surviving colonists are framed as "salvage" to a corporation. So. Yeah looking forward to more of that.

-YEAH MAYBE ART'S PROTECTIVENESS BECOMING HAIR TRIGGER VIOLENT RESPONSES lS A BIT CONCERNING.

-it's giving Rimworld vibes

-yaaaay more neopronouns wooooo

Chapter 3

-ARGUCUSSION. Might steal that

-murderbot I'm beginning to seriously consider that the threat assessment module is just anxiety

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN REDACTED. HELLO?

-murderbot adding increasingly catastrophic hypothetical contingencies to worry about is far too relatable

-ART quantum as fuck

-what does redacted meeeeaaaan why does it keep happening what is going on that murderbot doesn't want the reader to knowwww

-ok there being such a heavy focus on ART and how unusual it is and how much it is capable of doing and being at once… in conjunction with the title… is a little. Hm!

-Ratthi my friend Ratthi

-"HUMANS CAN ALSO HAVE AUTISM ITS NOT JUST ME" ok go off mb

-was redacted a nervous breakdown or something?

-Ratthi getting defensive about Murderbot 💖

-"at least nobody had noticed" lists 3 of the 4 people as probably having noticed

Chapter 4

-"I don't know how to respond when humans say [be safe]. It was always my job to get hurt". :(

-ok why would a pre-CR ruin be actively powered. That's a little. Odd.

-i know this is just a reminder expository dump but I do still enjoy the concept of alien material just causing weird shit to happen to human biology and technology sometimes.

-MB precisely citing a historical reference is. Something. Did it suddenly gain an interest in this

redacted

-Tarik going from "random extra red shirt coded character" to "oh wait you have a backstory and thematic character foil shit going huh". 👌 the good shit

Chapter 5

-its been spelled "hanger" not "hangar" a couple times which feels like an error

-'murderbot, why are you like this' I mean

-oddly specific media similarity queries is oddly relatable

-murderbot low self confidence is :(

-framing its friends helping it in a difficult time as covering for its mistakes sure is a way to look at things

-ok so I guess murderbot is having like. Ptsd related stress nightmares? Hence the redacted ("inaccurate") memory? Murderbot doesn't dream like a human as far as we know so it wouldn't be a shock that everyone is confused about it.

-I guess there could be another explanation but

-yeah the story describes it as a "flashback" which is a ptsd thing. But I guess then I'm surprised murderbot hasn't had something similar happen before considering some of the things that have happened in the series. I guess it isn't nearly predictable in humans irl either, but still.

-poor murderbot

-ok so when it said "I froze" it meant that literally in like a computer sense

-"I guess machine intelligences of that era were too polite to say 'that sounds fake but okay'" LMAO

-the pre CR system seems interesting and I like the framing of their convo in an extremely basic programming language (if that's the right term for it)

-telling that it doesn't have a word for 'client'

-and how did BE get there so fast…

Chapter 6

-not Tarik sitting like me

-GOD why did "explaining the existential horror of the governor module in LanguageBasic" make me laugh so hard

-so I'm pretty sure the implication is one of the main humans sold them out to BE, which is how they knew where to look for the separatists. Though since ART speculates they got there early, I guess the main colonists could have as well, but that doesn't explain the BE SecUnit trying to (presumably) hurt Murderbot.

-on that subject, that SecUnit might have (1) immediately identified Murderbot as an altered SecUnit and (2) that's the reason it attacked the ag-bot how it did, either to test the theory or because it knew MB would be okay. But that also doesn't explain how it would have avoided the automated report to its governor module.

-AdaCol2 being horrified about a governor module even existing:(

-OMG AdaCol2 having its own extensive media storage. That's so cute omg.

-so to this point in the series MB hasn't been characterized as "part human" despite being partially made of human material. It's always considered itself more of a bot with mostly inconvenient human neural tissue. And now that human neural tissue is causing worse problems than it has before (PTSD/flashbacks).

-SO when ART here says "the part of you that is human" that's significant. It makes me wonder if MB is going to be reframed as "part human" in a way the series has avoided so far… or if ART is genuinely just wrong about that.

-but MB's resistance to even being treated as a human indicates SOMETHING there… compared to its acceptance of being repaired and healed while framed as a bot-- and its fixation with being 'broken' like a machine when that's not really the problem.

-just. Very interesting to think about.

-MB did mention just before this scene that human neural tissue is essential to understanding visual media like TV shows. And we know how important that is to MB. So I also wonder if that is a factor in characterizing MB as "part human" (maybe even retroactively).

-OK the little cut in with Mensah saying "you just don't want to talk about [whats wrong with you]" supports the entirety of the above. So.

-& leaning heavily into the theming outside that… and Considering the title…

-oh Ratthi & Tarik having Something Going On recontextualizes some earlier scenes

Chapter 7

-ok this is the second hint that someone is leaking info to BE. And like the OBVIOUS candidate would be Tarik. But I kind of hope it isn't, if thats where we're going.

-'would it have been kinder to kill you, before you disabled your governor module?' 'yes.' What a fucking gut punch. Jesus. The whole exchange.

-Murderbot is not okay :(((

-inspiring change through the power of media! Yaaaaay

-I like the implication that MB used Sanctuary Moon to kinda.. rewire its brain after the governor module. To heal, I guess. Like that's pretty obvious if you think about it, but I like seeing it acknowledged directly.

-what a cool way to potentially solve the main conflict. It's so character appropriate. I really like this

Chapter 8

-"die trying. It's not the worst thing that could happen." AAAAAAAAA

-ratthi my friend ratthi

-i like the bit about media analysis and applying that to your own craft. Relatable

-last minute group project energy

Chapter 9

-'the documentary explained the reality of the situation. I think that's the opposite of a sales pitch.' LMAO

-he shot at Leonide? So… inner BE politics?

-there is something grimly funny to me about the shortening to "BE" for Barish Estranza for purely personal reasons 1 person maybe reading this will also understand.

-i think it's interesting that we mostly use terms like "forcible indenture" in place of just "slavery". It gets called slave labor, yes, but the corporate-whitewashing term being juxtaposed with the horrible reality of it is quite striking.

-more about ART being quantum. For lack of a better word as the narration hasn't used that term yet. But idk how else one would describe that

-i have a dreadful feeling Iris might get killed off but that would be one hell of a thing to drop this close to the end. She just gets a lot of characterization this book and there's a heavy emphasis on her importance to ART. and we already saw what ART was capable of just thinking MB got hurt or killed last book.

-sees 'Hostile!SecUnit' explicitly written in the text looks at Martha Wells I Know What You Are

-i know they're friends and that's like a predictable thing but I like how MB and ART have gradually changed to be more like each other

-i think AdaCol2 is just out of commission despite MB assuming it betrayed them. But ART had that comment about it being more sophisticated than it let on… but I don't think it would betray them based on the characterization so far, like its horror at the mere concept of a governor module and uploading the documentary for them.

-did we know SecUnit hands are metal

-Tarik being badass as a background detail

- YAY AdaCol2 back

-the idea of a human augmented to be the HubSystem is a little horrifying. And introduced in media res so like "don't think about it"

-ok a reasonable justification for not freeing the two SecUnits. Like it can't happen all the time. But it's still upsetting knowing what it's like to be one.

-BUT giving them the means to do so later like MB did with Three in Network Effect is nice. If ill advised as it realizes later lmao

Chapter 10

-if Leonide doesn't piece together that MB is rogue ill be shocked

-THE FREED SECUNIT HELPING THEM SCREAM CRYING

-ART drone is like. Drunk

-i kinda like the framing of the humans taking over to help SecUnit and ART

Chapter 11

-MB was worried about Ratthi :(

-'booped by the pathfinder' god why is that funny

Chapter 12 -oh no is Holism like. Another ART

-yeah, confirmed. Huh. So there's more than one semi omniscient space ship hanging around. It's not just Peri. I didn't even suspect that.

-yeah honey you DO need therapy.

The end!

Ok so. Thoughts. We kind of end in a similar place as Network Effect, with Murderbot deciding to leave the Preservation team to go with ART. This story feels like a character

development add on and I'm not sure if it was originally planned when Network Effect was written.

That's not really a criticism because we do learn interesting things. There's a heavier lean into ART and its functional existence. MB has a realistic response to the traumatic events of Network Effect and we have to deal with the fallout of it. Which I think is important instead of jumping to the next arc right away. We also get heavy characterization of 2 newer characters, Iris and Tarik. Tarik especially gets a lot of development. I legit can't remember if he was in Network Effect. But he's a human character foil to MB which I think is a good addition to the story. We have had multiple bot foils for MB so having a human one is good (Gurathin doesn't really count imo) Since as this book emphasizes, MB is kind of both.

My speculation on what we go to next? This book had a heavier emphasis on MB being partially human. That's always been true but not something MB likes to think about or identify with. And the trauma response to Network Effect is framed as a human part of MB. So how do we explore that in the future? I think back to how MB talking to Bharadwaj was integrated into Network Effect and how that explored its trauma and past. Now we have trauma and the present, and the implication that MB will get actual therapy, so will it be similar?

We can obviously examine a lot about the University. We got a taste that there's more to it right at the end with Holism's existence reveal. That's pretty major and there may be way more to it. All we know about the University really is ART and its humans. We could conceivably have non ART/Peri ship characters that are similar to it.

The big elephant in the room mentioned in this book is the ComfortUnit MB freed early in the series. What happened to it? And this book adds another SecUnit to that (2 technically but we only see one do something with its freedom). Will they come back into the story? And since they know how to free themselves will they spread that to other constructs? Will MB helping others on its journey have a knockdown effect throughout the Rim? That seems like the most likely solution to construct slavery, which is like the MAIN CONFLICT/problem of the series.

One thing MB has mentioned a few times is that some rogue Units do respond to sudden freedom with violence-- which is an understandable response, honestly. But that isn't something we have seen. MB just… kept doing its job for 4 years before the Preservation team discovered its secret in

the first book… and it's implied the one it freed in this book plans to do the same thing. Three wasn't violent either and is characterized as more… childlike, I guess? The ComfortUnit just fucking booked it the second it could. So we haven't seen violence happen with Three and the other Units MB directly freed but it's something that could be a conflict later on if suddenly a bunch start going rogue in that kind of ripple effect. There's the CombatUnit from book 4 that I vaguely recall had no interest in being freed and was incredibly violent. So who knows.

[fxlling13]

Can you write Whittaker!Master with prompts 44,51, and 52 all together? I was thinking of something with both angst and fluff

HI HELLO! thank you so much I absolutely love getting requests! I just love writing for other people. Now there may be spelling mistakes and I tried to keep it gender neutral. Also I'm sorry if its bad, I tried my best :>

Summary: You get kidnapped whilst on your adventure with the master. Of course, she comes to your rescue. Though, you can't help but think you're a bother in her life.

Warning: blood, violence, self deprecation

My head rolled upright as I managed to pry my eyes open. Everything hurt. Why did it hurt. Looking around, I found myself in some sort of cell. There was water running down the walls, explaining why I was so cold and damp. Around the room, there were many human remains which definitely didn't help my nerves. More importantly, where was she master. We were exploring the planet together then she was ripped away from me. That's all I could remember.

"Oh, you're awake human." A grainy voice came from the barred doors. It was some kind of fish creature. With green scales and gills along its cheek. It unlocked the door and grabbed my arm harshly, tugging me out abd along the corridor. We walked for several minutes until we came to a large, bright white room. The thing sat me on metal chair and strapped me down, tightly.

"Stop shaking!" It demanded, screaming in my face. I recoiled, whimpering in fear.

"I'm sorry I'm cold. I can't." Grumbling, it carried on working, pulling out a wire. An electrical wire that connected to the restraints on me, back to the computer situated at the back of the room. Extremely confused, I swallowed down my nerves and spoke up.

"What's that?" Cackling, it trod over to me.

"That, child, is a trip wire. If the thing get cut, the whole planet goes boom!" Flinching, I just nod, not wanting to interact further.

"Shame you're all alone. No one left to help. Not that they could at all." It laughed manically, observing me for a second.

"You know? I was just supposed to leave you to die. I doubt your buddy is coming back. So why not have a little fun?" My blood ran cold as it drew in closer. Webbed fingers gripped my hair, forcing my head up. Pain spread across my cheek as it slapped me but I kept quiet, not wanting to satisfy its thirst for torture. Displeased with my reaction, it reached into its pocket and pulled out a knife. Oh great. Agonisingly, it dragged the blade under my chin slowly, increasing the pain tenfold somehow. Maybe the knife was special? No idea, I didn't want to know if it would kill me. Blood dripped onto my thigh, thick and hot. If I was in the right frame of mind, I'd if made an innuendo out of that. For some reason, I was now feeling very dizzy.

"Such a pretty littke thing. Shame I'm about to end your life." It growled, lifting the dagger high. During my panic, i could just about make out the tardis engine noise. The creature spun round just as the door opened. Out came the master, TCE in hand and after written on her face.

"Dont lay a finger on them!" She yelled, marking over. Laughing, the thing tilted its head before taking the knife and thrusting it into my thigh. I screamed out, tears running down my cheeks.

"What? Like that?" The masters eye twitched, this wasn't going to end well.

"Bad idea." She spoke through gritted teeth then shot the man, who dropped to the ground dead instantly. Kicking him out of the way, she went to cut my ties but I put my hand up.

"No stop! Don't cut it. If you do, it will trigger and the planet gets destroyed." Stopping in her tracks, she observed the wire and groaned. Nothing could ever be easy, could it?

"I know you might have a problem with it. But I don't. I'm not leaving you here." She told me, crouching before me. I looked down at her, my eyes still watering. Reaching up, she cupped my cheek and wiped just under my eye.

"I swore I'd protect you and I let you  down. Never again. I need you safe, with me, in the tardis." Setting her TCE to it's laser setting, she moved towards the wire.

"So, I know this might sound selfish. But I don't care about the world. I only care about you." And shd cut the wire. Immediately, the ground began to shake. The master scooped me up delicately, rushing into the tardis and hitting the levers as she ran to the med bay. Placing me down on the bed, I whined and tried to move but she stopped me.

"Okay, this is going to hurt." Closing my eyes, I cried out when the dagger was removed. She shushed me quietly, grabbing the cotton pads and disinfectant. Once the wound was all wrapped up and the cut on my jaw was covered, she stepped back.

"You should rest okay? I demand you stay in bed." Giggling at her assertiveness, I nod. Honestly, i was exhausted and still in agony but I wanted to distract myself. In times like this, I always wanted the master close to me. Yet I was too scared to ask, to sensitive for rejection. So I just smiled through the pain, not wanting to seem weak. Luckily for me, she picked me up once again and took me into my room. Without a word, she tucked me into bed and left. Now alone, I sat up and sighed. All I wanted to do was cry, I felt so useless. Always getting into trouble or being captured. What was the point of travelling with her if I just caused her issues. Rubbing my eyes harshly, I decided to stop the self pity fest and get up. Somehow. With great difficulty, I stood up and made my way to the console room. I hunched over, out of breath from the short trip. Shaking my head, I stood straight and scanned the room. It was empty, that was odd. Going to the console, I spotted something beautiful. A golden pendant that had galifreyan writing on it, with a red gem in the centre. Why did she have this? The master wasn't one for wearing jewellery. Picking the necklace up, I inspected in up close. It was honestly really pretty.

"Curiosity killed the cat. (Y/n)." Jumping, I turned and saw the master, stood in the entrance way. She sauntered over, looking disappointed.

"I told you to stay in bed. Its not even been ten minutes." Blinking up at her, I just shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. You're hurt. You need rest or you'll make it worse. I know you're in pain." Avoiding eyecontact, I wet my lips nervously. My heart was begging for comfort whilst my head was telling me to keep the strong act up.

"I'm fine." I repeated, still not looking to the taller woman. She huffed, frustrated with my resistance. Holding her habd out, I looked at it confused.

"You have something of mine." Realise she meant the necklace, I let out a small 'oh'. Of course, I could of been easy and just give it back. But what was the fun of that?

"Now (y/n)." She was getting impatient. Did I really want to test that? As i said before, i wasn't feeling myself completely. Gazing up at her, I smiled.

"You want me to give it back? Make me." Stunned at my words, the blonds lips parted slightly and I did catch myself staring. She chuckled, letting out a breath.

"Oh (y/n). You make me laugh." Not understanding, I let out a squeak and I was pressed against the console suddenly. We were less than an inch apart, I could feel her breath on my cheek. My guard dropped and the necklace fell from my hand straight into hers.

"Right then. Bed." Of course, I was lifted into her arms once more. This time, I took advantage of the closeness ans resed my head on her shoulder. Feeling overwhelmed, my eyes filled with tears and I bit on my lip to suppress them. Instead of going to my room, she carried on and entered her own. I was placed on the bed. It had silky purple sheets and was dimly lit. All in all, the room was top tier in comfort. Almost perfect.

"Since I can't trust you to stay in your own room, you can stay in m-" She paused, looking over me and her face fell. Taking a seat in front of me, she frowned.

"Why are you crying? Does it really hurt?" Sniffling, I looked away from her in hopes it would help. It didn't.

"No. Well, yes. A lot. But that's not..." I trailed off, not sure if I was making any sense at all. Moving closer, she wiped my cheeks gently.

"I'm such a bother to you. You had to come and save me again. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, stop that. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. You're my person and I'm going to protect you." That just made me cry harder and the master panicked, coming to my side. Though, she made no effort to comfort me physically.

"Shh, i swear that i-"

"Why don't you want me?" I stuttered out, having enough of my emotions. They were all over the place. Most likely due to the injuries.

"What?" She asked, eyes wide from my outburst. Seeing as there was no going back now, I let it all out.

"You took me in, you do everything I like. You gave me the perfect room. You come for me no matter the situation. You even destroyed a planet to save me. Said you only cared about me. Said I wad your person. So why don't you want me? It's so obvious how much I want you, I don't hide it. Yet you j-" a finger landed on my lips, breaking my train of thought. Turning my head, I found the master smiling. There was even a slight tint to her cheeks.

"You think I don't want you? Listen to yourself. You think I'd do that for anyone? No. Only you." She said but my brain couldn't comprehend.

"So, you like me? Or am I just-" again she cut me off, hands cupping my cheeks.

"Would you just shut up and kiss me?" Turning bright red, I nod dumbly and allowed her to close the distance between us. I melted into the kiss instantly, my arms wrapping around her neck. She lay me down, subtly pulling the covers up as she did so. I was left breathless as she pulled away. Finding myself now tucked into her bed, I deflated, thinking I'd be left alone again. To my surprise, the master slid in beside me and pulled me into her hold. Her lips pressed to my temple.

"Now, rest up love. I need you in peak condition for our next adventure." Simpering, I hummed and nuzzled into her chest.

"Thank you." I spoke whilst yawning, finally giving into the sleep I'd been needing. She just laughed quietly, holding me closer. With a click of her fingers, she turned the lights out and settled down properly.

"Goodnight sweets."

[dnangelic]

@ardenssolis asked: "Dark, I wonder - does the concept of potential non-existence frighten you? There is someone I know whose thoughts were often heavily filled with this. Perhaps it might still be." Such was the fate of phantoms, after all. But Dark was different from them in the fact that he had never been human. So, that begged to question how he would look upon that 'death'. For was that not what non-existence was? Death?

had it been anyone else , the phantom might have declared it an insolent question . why exist if only to ultimately be undone ? why ever be born if only to die ? at first his eyes narrow , crimsons puncture by thin little slits . yes , in the silence of the night he had oftentimes imagined a darkness even greater than this one : the station of a cellar-monster haunt plaguing an innocent boy who only desired to be rid of him . but these were private , intimate thoughts ; too complex for the likes of even ozymandias to discern by mere silence alone .

' hmm . so you've come to me for advice ? ' he attempts to veil and frame the topic thus . excises himself from any confessional , maintaining his usual arrogant air in the face of equally arrogant company . ' well , people like that are usually insecure or plagued with regrets . is that supposed to be any sort of fun way to live ? look at it this way : right now , even i exist enough to be sought out and to have a conversation with you , or anyone else . that goes for helping the master , or keeping daisuke safe , too . '

his lip curls a little , enough to flash the tips of his teeth , and perhaps therein , in tandem with his self-confident words , remained his mantra and perpetual modus operandi : do not be afraid . never , ever be afraid . instead , merely do .

' whether or not i tried to avoid it ... even as everyone else around us fights for just one more day , it's inevitable that sometime , everything will still come to an end . ' the sun would someday burst . the moon would fracture . the universe would blink and swallow , and the earth would be gone in just a single gulp . perhaps human beings would have invented and innovated ways by then to escape it ; to continue to protect , pass down and inherit whatever was left of humanity itself by then ... or perhaps things would happen sooner rather than later , and the only thing left that anyone could do would be to hold one another ; to say farewells and precious i love yous .

' the only thing anyone has to worry about is being alone . eternity exists so long as it's believed in , ' his palm throws itself up into the air , out of a deep pocket with one careless motion --- his brows set coy and wry . ' you already know it well , don't you ? someone who's afraid should be busy . the more afraid you are , the busier you should be . talk more , laugh harder , reach out for and seize everything , anything , every one of your dreams and wishes . that way , once the end comes , you can look back on your life --- and see just how and where your existence has been left to linger . as for me ... '

the phantom thief , though readily accused selfish and corrupt , held but one supremely selfish wish . one that he near murmurs , soft and hazed , with a tender-cast sigh .

' at the end of it all , if i could still dwell properly within someone's heart ... that alone would be more than enough for me . '

[grims-sunshine]

Wanted to make a post where I talk a little about my Tavs because I love them very much 👉👈

Neryssa:

Race: Tiefling

Class: Sorceress (Wild Magic)

Age: In her early 20s

Pronouns: She/Her

Backstory:

(TW for implied SA)

Neryssa spent her early years in an orphanage a little outside of Baldur's Gate, but because they didn't treat her very well due to her being a Tiefling, she eventually ran away, believing that she'd be better off on her own.

She made her way to Baldur's Gate, where she mainly survived by stealing whichever food she needed and sometimes broke into peoples' basements or stables to spend the night there hidden away somewhere in a corner.

She found out about her wild magic powers in her late teens, when she had an unpleasant run-in with some drunk iron fist members, who found her in a back alley and tried to take advantage of her. As she tried to defend herself, a flame burst from her hand, severely burning the guy trying to force himself on her and also burning her own face a little.

When she tried reporting the crime, no one really believed her and the men in question even tried framing it as her attacking them to steal from them. Due to this incident she grew weary of authority figures and no longer trusts them, so she prefers to take matters into her own hands when necessary.

She eventually found work at a small alchemy shop where she learned to brew potions and usually goes on supply runs since she can defend herself in the wilderness thanks to her magic.

During one of these supply runs she was snatched by the illithids, leading to the game's events.

Fun facts:

Since she grew up in the poorer parts of town, she actually heard of a lot of people going missing, eventually making her suspect that something's going on. Due to several clues, she began suspecting that there might be vampires around, so she picked up some books on them and now knows a lot of useful tricks to killing vampires for "self defense" (although she never actually fought one). It did help her figure out Astarion's deal pretty early on tho.

"Canon" Lover: Astarion

Raven:

Race: Half-Elf

Class: Bard

Age: Mid 30s

Pronouns: She/They

Backstory:

(TW for parental death and abusive families)

They grew up with their family always traveling from place to place since their mom was a famous musician and always took her family along to wherever her next concert was. Raven loved seeing different parts of the world and exploring the cities they visited.

When they were in their early teens, their mother fell terribly ill and eventually died due to her illness.

Their father got married shortly after to a cruel woman who never liked Raven and saw them more as a servant than a child.

She was always pretty cruel to Raven and both physically and mentally abused them.

Still, Raven kept living with their family to look after their younger siblings and to protect them from their stepmother's cruelty.

They've been terrified of the idea that their stepmother could be targeting one of Raven's siblings now that Raven has been taken away by the illithids.

Fun facts:

Their preferred instrument is the violin. The one they use belonged to their mother and is one of the few things they've got left of her.

They have a pet tressym called Gismo (based on my old irl cat)

I have sort of a "running joke" with myself that Raven has a very large family, so during the weirdest situations Raven is usually like "Oh hey, one of my relatives did this once!" (Examples: "Ethel is a hag? One of my cousins made a deal with a hag once. It wasn't very pleasant." "You worship Loviatar? My uncle does that too :D"

They have massive anxiety about fighting, so they're often on the brink of a panic attack during battle. Playing music always helps them calm down.

"Canon" Lover: Gale

[edoro]

"and in some cases is so dedicated to trying to prove she’s who she THINKS she should be that she doesn’t pay attention to who she actually is and what she actually wants." <- oooh this is interesting. :D I wonder, if she had a character creation screen that made her Ideal Self, how would she make herself and how would it compare with how she actually is?

so basically i think Emmy's stat distribution is like

-high intelligence + dexterity -medium charisma (she's friendly and sweet but can be blunt and has a kind of dark/macabre sense of humor that puts some people off, and she has a lot of trouble with like, unspoken social rules or people who lie about their intentions) -medium-low constitution + wisdom (see above; she's not very good at sussing out hidden meanings or detecting people's motives, and she's not very good at listening to her own intuition a lot of the time) -low strength (despite being the physically biggest member of the polycule both in terms of height and frame/weight, she's not particularly strong)

and she would really like to bump up those WIS and STR stats and maybe the CHA as well. she wants to be strong! she's pretty butch and she really wants to protect and help the people who she cares about.

because of her history of bullying, she has spent a lot of her life learning to keep her head down and ignore when people are assholes. because she's not very good at telling when people are being more subtly assholish (pretending to be her friend or back-handed compliments, etc), she spends a long time just very withdrawn and socially cut off, refusing to interact with anyone other than Max because she doesn't know how to trust anyone.

she wants to be brave and outgoing and friendly and fearless, and be herself totally unapologetically, and whenever someone is mean to her or someone she cares about, she wants to tell them to go fuck themselves and be able to stand up to them physically if need be.

but... she still worries a lot about how people see her, although she's working on that. she pushes herself a lot to put herself out there and interact, and a lot of the time it IS fun and it DOES turn out well, but it's also gotten her into some uncomfortable situations and caused her to put up with pretty bad behavior.

being a fat black trans girl trying to figure herself out and start maybe kinda feeling herself means that she ends up with a lot of chasers who want to reduce her to a series of exotic and consumable body parts rather than interact with her as a person, and it takes her a bit to recognize the pattern and then get confident enough and respect herself enough to realize that that attention ISN'T positive and she doesn't have to just put up with it as the price of feeling sexy or fun or flirty.

she's not really used to standing up for herself or other people actively. she tends to just smile and withdraw when things get uncomfortable or people are mean. when she leaves for college she tries to overcorrect too hard the other way, and get VERY assertive and forward, which causes her to in some cases be extra blunt and react very strongly in situations that could have been handled with more tact - she has a hard time telling between people who mean well and people who don't.

it takes her some time to settle into a middle ground!

in reality she tends to be a bit shy and need time alone to recharge, and it turns out that when it comes to like, sex and dating and stuff, she really wants to be involved in some kind of emotional relationship with someone, whether it's a friendship or something more, rather than just hook up. she doesn't like confrontation and tends to feel anxious and guilty if she gets forceful or assertive with people, even when she's objectively in the right and they were wrong.

her ideal self, though, is confident, flirty, courageous, physically and emotionally strong, extroverted, always down to have fun and party, able to breezily socialize with little to no effort, and unfuckwithable. ideal Emmy knows what's up, doesn't ever hesitate or get worried, doesn't need time alone, doesn't ever accidentally say the wrong thing or ruin the mood, doesn't doubt herself, is up for anything, etc.

in time she'll come to understand and value who she is, and figure out that she can be confident in her own worth and stand up for herself and the people she cares about without being over the top, that she can be quietly firm about her own boundaries and how she's willing to be treated or let others be treated rather than having to make a scene, that she doesn't have to be a fun party girl to make friends or feel sexy or enjoy herself, and all of that.

(also, she would give herself a bigger ass. she's pretty top-heavy and kinda apple-shaped; big boobs, big shoulders, thick waist, big belly, comparatively less weight in her hips and thighs and butt. going on hrt has made her get a little more curvy, but she still carries most of her weight in her stomach and chest, and she wishes she had fatter cakes. u_u)

[riarevenge]

I love crazy, unhinged women (you) & I hope you know anons like the one about drugs know nothing. If anything, you are an advocate. 💜

i jus screeched but thank you anon 🫂 i too am a fan of unhinged and frankly, insufferable women! and this is probably not a convo you meant to start, but i always think it’s funny that women in media who are considered unhinged and difficult, often are jus incredibly vocal and internally wounded women. get ready for an insane ramble (im walking btw so if none of this makes sense ignore it)

as much as i joke about my own behaviours, i’ve always been the first to own my (many) flaws! it’s why i can’t stand this talk about romanticism of drugs or whateva, cah when have i ever tried to get yous to live the life i’ve had? id be heartbroken if yous did like! and i get angry cah it’s also like? i’ve been very open about numerous things, about how even as early as primary school i went from the girl who scored well, wanted to be a doctor and almost always had friends running to her for help but also had an incredible temper problem became ONLY that. i only became the problem child and nobody questioned why! i’ve been open about extensive sexual assault/trauma, despite keeping details and things as a whole to myself, i’ve never hidden that it’s a part of me. it’s driven the hypersexual nature we all joke about, it’s (probably) driven the various kinks we’ve sometimes talked about, and i don’t mind joking about it as long as it’s not flung in my face after in the name of??? idk. i’ve always said yep i did heaps of drugs for quite a few years and that was… not healthy?? i shouldn’t even have to clarify that and i’ve also spoken so much about how i drop from the face of the earth, maybe do some drugs, and come back like nothing happened! i’ve always been open (to an extent) about my past : sa, abusive parents, forced into being an adult too young, my ex literally beating the shit outta me like 😭 do yous think i’m like this for fun!!!!! it’s also why i get incredibly annoyed at this whole “bully” thing that was pushed by random anons for months at a time cah truly, yous seen any woman with a bark and a bite and scream bully!!!! when they’re really jus not taking your shit. i’ve always said that i have insane anger and temper management issues, that i was literally forced into therapy for EARLY. like young as fuck. and i STILL do not have anywhere near the amount of control i need to have, it’s an active working thing. i don’t mind anons like you, i don’t mind anons who poke fun at my abrasive nature or aggression, but it does make me a little ??? when i get asks framing me to be a terrible person 😭 im not perfect!!!! im quick to anger, quick to lash out and yes, i absolutely can be defensive in the way of : let me hurt you before you hurt me. but i also think i get painted as JUST that. it seems like half my anons these days want to be mad about something they’ve made up? as much as yous can laugh and sometimes have a go at my anger problems, i have to remind yous all that i have to live with that anger and constant tug of war daily. it’s not fun being like that either! i’ve gained sooo much self control and i don’t think half of those angry anons see that.

and i have to remind yous, as bad as some of you might think i am, i have friends on here that can testify im not all bad all the time. i have sides that some anons ignore, and it’s frustrating when it’s like… okay?? one of my literal best friends - hey @zalimaaa - is someone who yous KNOW wouldn’t be friends with me if i was half as bad as yous seem to think (not to drag her into this) 😭 she’s always been what i am not : gracious and classy at all times, even to people who don’t deserve it but she’s always stood up for what’s right (she’s done it in a better way than me!) im not a monster!!!!!! im loyal to the bone, always there for my friends and i’d do anything for them. unhinged women are not jus their negative traits <3 it also falls incredibly flat when the same anons trying to call me a bully are actively saying things like “african scum” !!!!!! (which is why i believe it’s all the same 2-3 people, especially since some of them seem extremely angry whenever my hatred for pigs comes up)

my point is jus that i really appreciate anons like yours, who can at the very least have a fun airy convo about it and not make it out like im a complete insanity case cah… close but not quite there yet. yous have had quite a few years of knowing me online to know that i’ve got a few screws loose but a brain still exists! 🤨💘💓🫁

[sarahfabray]

Opposites Attract

TAGGING ➝  Sarah Fabray, Reagan Morris-Corcoran @reaganroll

LOCATION ➝ Locked down at Table and Ice.

TIME FRAME ➝ 10/13 evening.

WARNINGS ➝ None.

SUMMARY ➝ Reagan and Sarah find a moment where they see past their differences

Reagan Morris-Corcoran

Reagan had never really known what to make of Sarah honestly. That chance meeting in a grocery store had kind of weirded her out a bit, but there was an energy to her that, if she was being totally honest with herself, kind of fascinated her. Still, that didn't mean she was super eager to be locked down with her and her new wave way of thinking, but Reagan was desperately trying to play nice considering the fact that she didn't know how long they were going to be stuck here. "Uh, so... do you drink?" Reagan offered, having eyed a bottle of whiskey behind the bar and wondering if Immy would be mad if she grabbed it (and left the appropriate compensation of course, she was a scoundrel not a thief), "Or... I dunno smoke? Any kind of vice that would be kinda fun?"

Sarah Fabray

Sarah smiled seeing Reagan was it, from the grocery store slide over to her with the whisky. She cracked a little smile at the slight dig grabbed the bottle and drank it stright. "Oh I can drink. I dont do it a lot anymore but i can handle with the best of them."

Reagan Morris-Corcoran

Reagan smirked, raising her eyebrow, "My kinda girl... guess a crisis brings out the best in everyone huh?" She took the bottle back, taking a long swig from it too as she settled in her seat, feet propped up on the table between them, "So, you're into vibrations right? Any idea if there's another big rumble headed our way?"

Sarah Fabray

Eyeing Reagan up and down and pleased to have eased some of the tention between them Sarah cracked a smile. While this may have not been what she had planned for the day she was glad for the opportunities it had brought to her. Reagan was one interesting character. She alwasy found it fastinating meeting someone who was just as agressive as she used to be and Reagan had a big chip on her sholder. Sarah got it. Life can be a cruel mistress at times. It was times like these that she was greatful for her previous life and the journey she has had. "Oh you definetly see people in a different light when we are all put under the wire. Thank you for taking charge and getting things organised back there. I think it was just what people needed." Sarah admired Reagan's head for emergencys and how she looked after all of them when this all started. They sat in silence for a moment until the drink was offered back to her and Sarah took another swig from the bottle. Chuckling at Reagan's question. "hmm you could say that. I prefer to think of it as being in tune with myself. I wish i had the power to know what was coming but unfortunately thats beyond me. But if there was im sure you would be right there to lead the way."

Reagan Morris-Corcoran

Reagan shrugged a little, never really having been good with praise. In reality, she hadn't consciously put herself forward as any kind of leader, who was she to be setting any kind of example or be telling people what they should do? She'd simply set out to ease her own anxiety and Emmy's, and if it helped anyone else along the way, well, that was just a happy coincidence, "Guess a little over a decade of being a fed comes in handy sometimes, I'm always prepared for a worst case scenario." "Damn, well there's my hopes for am early earthquake reporter dashed..." Reagan mumbled, but a grin was tugging at her lips as the bottle was passed back to her, "Is that you asking me to be your knight in shining armour? Because Loki makes a pretty great noble steed... y'know as long as no-one actually tries to ride him."

Sarah Fabray

Sarah hummed in acknowledgement and then studied Reagan's reaction for a second. She always found people like this interesting to deal with. Partly because they reminded her of her younger self. When she had a stick up her ass, a large chip on she shoulder and she would screw over anyone to get to the top. "You should accept it you know. The complement. It's actually good for you." Sarah took a moment before continuing. " Must be pretty stressful always being prepared like that."Sarah chuckled at Reagan's joke. It was actually nice to see this side of her and not the harsh exterior that had judged her before. Although Sarah knew they were on different parts of their journys It was nice for them to come to something of a mutual respect. "Well I'll never say no to a beautiful knight. Especailly one as talented as you." Sarah had always had a way with animals since her awakening. So it was no surprise when loki came and sat next to her as she stroked him. She looked up at Reagan accepting the drink and took another long slug, staring straight into her eyes. "Oh dont worry. Hes not the one i would be riding."

Reagan Morris-Corcoran

Reagan could feel Sarah studying her and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She didn't really understand her if she was honest, after everything she'd been through, after everything she'd seen, Reagan didn't understand people like her, people that believed the universe was something that could be read and understood, predicted or made sense of. To her the whole thing was (and by that she meant her whole life) was some kind of cosmic joke. "Pfft, yeah right. Compliments are just words, and words roll right off my back these days. Good or bad, I don't really care." Reagan shrugged, "Yeah, I guess... I dunno not so much anymore. I don't really notice it, it's just something I am." She waggled her eyebrows at Sarah as she took a long swig from it, "I am both beautiful and talented, you're correct there." Reagan slid the bottle across the table, watching Loki rest his head on Sarah's knee. It was always a good sign when he just relaxed around a person, he was good at sniffing out bad and so if he approved then she knew it was okay to relax a little. Her eyebrows raised into her hairline as she met Sarah's gaze without flinching. Things had just gotten very interesting. "Oh yeah? You had another noble steed in mind?"

Sarah Fabray

Sarah watched Reagan's reaction. Studying to see how her words landed. She inwordly noted how she tried to brush off her words. "Oh you might not want to accept how they feel but the words shared by another in compelements are deep with the feelings of the other person. Filled with their feelings. Its never just words. Do all words roll off your back? It must be pretty hard to keep such a tough exterior."

Sarah let her words sink in for a moment. She began to stroke Loki's head. Smiling to see Reagan back to her confident sexually charged self. It was clear to Sarah that this was Reagan's comfort level and who was Sarah to take that away from her. accepting the bottle with another swig before placing it down and staring at Reagan with a deep look. She brushed a chuck of Reagans hair behind her ear. "Hmmm." She acknowledged. Drawring closer in."I can think of a few ways to ride." She was now just a breath away from Reagan's lips "I guess we’ll have to see if you can keep up."

Reagan Morris-Corcoran

"Is everything deep and meaningful to you?" Reagan rolled her eyes a little, even as she felt a pang in her chest. Sarah seemed to be able to read her better than anyone had in a long time, not since... not since Nik. "Nah." She shrugged, "I've always been tough. It's what made me a good agent, what makes good at security. Nothing gets past me." Reagan grinned as she sat forward, biting her lip, feeling her cockiness help push down all the other weird and complicated feelings that Sarah had brought to the fore. This she could do, sex was her thing and she was damn good at it. Still, that didn't stop the slight blush on her cheeks as Sarah's fingers brushed behind her ear. "Well I do like a girl with an imagination..." As their breaths mingled, Reagan brushed her lips lightly against Sarah's, "And a confident one. Want to see if the Manager's Office is all it's cracked up to be?"

[jwittekchatter]

Newest Jeff FM with Tana #114 - Part 1

-Tana said she’s going back to Hawaii in 8 days. They filmed the pod last week so is she spending Thanksgiving with this new guy? She said she’s going back for peace. I wonder when the Italy trip was pushed because Brooke said the thing about her being gone until the 7th about a week ago.

-She’s drinking a Happy Dad. She said she feels like she fell in love with the Hawaiian guy she just met (talking in with a soft voice). Jeff’s acting jealous and said he commented on her tiktok to give the people what they want and she said she hated it. But then made a TikTok replying to it. That’s she’s since deleted. (It’s giving whiplash)

-around 10:00 she said someone asked her if they sleep together then describes what she thinks sex with Jeff would be like. Steven asked if he slept with anyone while he had his eye messed up after the accident and he said yeah. She said Jeff is going to cut this and he said no he’s not cutting anything anymore. (Hasn’t he said before he was celibate for like a year after his accident because he was so depressed and self conscious?)

-she said she lost an SD card for a brand deal that was worth $100k! The fact that companies are so desperate they’ll have her as a spokesperson while so many of us make so little doing actual jobs is annoying

-She said people tell her she’s thriving when she’s sober but she’s miserable the whole time. And if she’s sober at a social event she wants to get out of there.

-He said he went to Friendsgiving since he didn’t go to Halloween where everyone was drunk but this was worse as far as the drinking.

-He said he had fun for the first 20 minutes he was there. She said then he was there for hours with her. Then he brought up his comment about “black, gay friend”. She said she left it up on purpose and didn’t care what people would say about it (yikes)

-He said whenever Imari and Tana are wasted and gang up on him, saying they need stuff he just gives them his credit card. Wtf?!! They aren’t his kids. She suggested they get pedicures on the pod but they didn’t.

-Some billionaire boy toy of Tana’s ran in the marathon too and Tana made a group chat for them (gc = Tana, Jeff, rich guy). He brought Jeff to his hotel room and gave him some supplements for the race that helped. Jeff said he didn’t stay in the city, he stayed in Staten Island (surprised to hear that). I’m guessing this was only for the day of the race though. We’ve seen how he’ll do whatever possible to spend the least amount of time with his parents as he can

-Around 23:00 in the group chat I forget but probably he said “whoever does better in the race gets to bang Tana”. Then Jeff did better and wrote for her to get ready for him. Jesus 🤢 earlier he said “I been coulda had that shit“ referring to Tana. Crude way to put it but he’s right. If he wanted to sleep with her he would’ve a year ago.

-she said at the start that he turned into a character because he was down or moody before they filmed and was different once filming started

-at 26:36 and he’s talking about the first time he had sex since his accident and how he kept thinking about his eye. Steven asked if his eye throbbed and he said yes.

He just said he powered through and now he’s doing good. No time frame but that could’ve been P.

-Around 27:00 they’re talking about how Tana says the online edits of them are getting out of control. He saw them talk about it on Cancelled.

-Steven asked if Jeff got drunk would he hit on Tana and Jeff said maybe. Tana said “give him an Ambien in here and he would.” So how messed up does he get on Ambien?

-Said he just filmed Charlotte’s pod (DeAlessio I’m guessing). He’s talking about ketamine therapy and how he doesn’t want to do it. Charlotte said she tried MDMA therapy. He really isn’t interested in these new alternate ways. Ketamine therapy isn’t exactly like doing k like the drug right? That’s what he’s thinking and why he’s against it but couldn’t he just research that?

-At 33:00 Tana said she’s doing horribly and that’s why she went to Hawaii. Said she’s working on a book and wants to self sabotage herself by calling people out and they’ll hate her (yeah right 🙄). She wants to get so much hate it’ll force her to retire and leave this career (as if she’d ever leave. She’s too attention obsessed.

-She really sounds very over LA and is in a down mood when talking about her life for the last ten years there. At 35:37 she said that’s why she likes Hawaii and NY. Jeff said he thinks that’s why he’s feeling good because he’s been around his real friends and family in NY (barely his family, come on now). She says she has great real friends (I question that because her main friends are sketchy AF but she doesn’t know any better I guess).

-At 35:40 Oscar either says “when you were going to do The Simple Life thing” or “when you do…” please don’t let Kentucky still happen omg. Jeff said in his live that they’re going to do two series coming up. anons listen and write in what you hear him say

-She said she’s so grateful for the Jeff friend group. 36:40 said Jeff is a part of her book because he signifies (her word) her finding passion again in her life. Give me a break, he treats her like shit

-37:36 Jeff says people say he has worse friends now and don’t like them but they saved him and brought him out of a hole. Brought his passion back (he literally just is rude to them all the time so I don’t see that as passion). He’s very happy with everyone in his life right now. She appreciates them because they see her for her and still like/love her. (Maybe the boys do but Jeff doesn’t at all).

-Oscar asked if they want to read Reddit hate comments but they didn’t

-38:58 Jeff: “I just try to be as like honest as possible.”

...

[virtualsketchbook2023]

Virtual Sketchbook 1

1. WRITING AND RESEARCH

Hello everyone, my name is Katherine and this is my third semester at SCF as a business major. A little fact about me is that I like going to the gym, reading, journaling, and listening to music. 

This oil painting is currently located at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

Alice Neel was born in Pennsylvania (1900) and died in New York City (1984).

She suffered from a nervous breakdown, tried to attempt suicide, and was later hospitalized for six months. 

Neel was known for her portraits of different people. Some of them were often nude.

It took Alice five years to finish her self portrait painting. 

This artwork made me chuckle a bit and left me confused. When I read the title of this painting it was not what I had expected. I had imagined it was going to be like a Frida Kahlo self portrait or look like the Mona Lisa. I was surprised to see a nude aged woman. Moments later I started to appreciate and like this self portrait. Alice seems comfortable and confident with herself and her body given her age. Not that there’s anything wrong with an aged body. The way I felt about the art did not change from when I first looked at it. I was somewhat right in the aspect of the significance and meaning of this painting. The purpose of which Alice created this painting was to show that she was comfortable and accepting her aging body. At first glance I only saw a naked elderly woman, but now that I had a minute to analyze the painting I started to notice the various colors she used. Many of her paintings are colorful. For this painting I also noticed how she used various colors like red, orange, yellow, brown, and purple for the shadows on her body and skin tone.

2. ART AND WRITING 

The art I chose is a bunch of wall art in my mom’s bedroom. I find these items beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. The media of the flowers are plastic. The media for the hexagon shaped mirrors are steel for the frame painted gold, and glass coated with metal allowing it to function as a reflective surface. Meanwhile, the media of the clock and other small decorative item on the left are, I believe, ceramic. The use these items serve are for an aesthetic appeal, decorative element, mood enhancement, and personal expression. Wall art is used to enhance the visual appeal of a space, and in this case my mom’s bedroom wall. These items are strategically placed to complement each other and existing decor. They also help create a positive, joyful, tranquil, and relaxing mood for my parents, guests, and I when looking at it. These items are my mom’s form of personal expression because she chose these pieces of art. It is her own personal taste and preference. I think these items are beautiful because I like flowers, the hexagon shaped mirrors go well with the other decor, and I like the designs on the clock and small decorative item. However, this is not something I would personally choose to hang on my bedroom wall. The one thing I would choose to keep in my bedroom is the clock. 

3. WRITING A SELF-PORTRAIT 

The “baggage” I bring along when looking at art is my life experiences. Every time I look at an art piece, I first see if it is aesthetically pleasing. Afterwards, I see if it resonates with any aspect of my life such as my cultural background, personal experiences, educational background, emotional state, social and political views, personal taste and preferences, religious beliefs, artistic knowledge, and societal influences. I am 19 years old and the gender I primarily align with is female. I was born and raised in Sarasota, Florida and my ethnicity is Mexican. For fun I like to go on morning runs, the gym, read, journal, paint, play sports (specifically tennis, basketball, and soccer), hangout with my friends, spend time with my family, listen to music, dance, explore the city, go to art museums, the opera house, the beach, shopping, and go to restaurants/places I’ve never been. I am part of the Girls Inc accelerate program for college girls and currently unemployed. What makes me unique is that I am a first generation student, aspiring entrepreneur, and advocate for causes such as education, female empowerment, the environment (especially for marine conservation), and entrepreneurship (specifically for minority groups). 

4. ART PROJECT (SELF-PORTRAIT)

I am fascinated with beautiful things. In my daily life I find myself enchanted by beauty in various forms. Whether it's a sunset, architecture, or a smile with beautiful eyes. I am drawn to the exquisite details that often go unnoticed in the rush of life. While creating my self portrait, I aspired to communicate a profound narrative about my love for beauty and wealth. This will elevate the viewers' understanding of me, my aesthetic, taste, preferences, and the things I find beautiful. Each element and feature intertwines seamlessly and or goes well with each other. 

[vykko]

Animation using industry software is never glitchy ever + funny poses by accident

Blue’s hand disappeared, how sad now you can see her fingers joints/rotation thingys

blue now has 2 hands again because sometimes the reference editor glitched and made double of something or everything. And at least 1 per 4hrs of animation the controls doubled (easy fix)

Fun tip don’t try and see if your tree is scaled well by using your model that is not parented and has no controls, by selecting all the parts and moving it

At the very start of me animating, I couldn’t fix this one I had to make another reference in the editor because it would not fix it self when I closed and opened.

Did you finish all the controls for pink, well that’s too bad buddy file it’s now only showing up in the reference editor, and after crying once as it was the day of your second assignment needing your model to have controls. You get the teacher to help you and it took like 10 minutes to be able to get the model file being referenced to be apart of a new file threw seer will and I forgot the how he did it but it was hard. T-T

other glitches that happened that I don’t have photos of include that I remember + other annoying things

The camera: you’d think that 360is the max number for the camera to rotate in the info bit thingy, NOPE!!. After I could set Poe’s my way out of it I went and tried to find the issue, quick context setting keys is how 3D animation is done so it goes from pose A to pose B, SOME HOW THE POSE A WAS AT 2647 Y ROTATION, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN AND WHY WAS IT ONLY AT THE NEAR THE END OF WGAT I NEEDED TO DO 😭

the basket glitching

Not a glitch but, you can’t see it but blue has a single green face in her torso (green happens when it’s basically say “there are no colours or textures here, even tho I had just coloured her because fuck me I guess)

They can’t bend with out clipping through them selves because I didn’t model my robots well enough for them to have bending privileges

You can’t see in my animation as I edited it out but the camera freaks out between shots

also not seeable due to editing, pinks arm freaks out for a 2 frames because again fuck me

———————————————————————————

funny poses

right: me setting all the controls to 0 and moving blue into position to be animated, but it looks like that one meme

left:setting keys between 2 keys (basically the model will move point a to point b in the (only in the computer’s mind, it’s why my camera freaks out between secnes) most straightforward way and and I have to do the middle part as no other moves going forward but it accidentally collided with pink

I stopped unfortunately taking pics whenever funny stuff happened because i was stressed and had a deadline but I’m doing another cert in February

so except more

if people like this I can talk about annoying things that happened during animating that took either a little or a lot of time to fix etc where one I almost missed and it would of just been in the video

Also the animation if you would like to watch it, I’d really appreciate if you do so :D

also please ignore the name in the video it’s not important as I just realised ITS IN THERE IM NOT PANICING AT ALL BECAUSE I SHOWED IT TO PEOPLE BEFORE OHHHHH GOD OH FUCK

also I have done google searches Theres a lot of people with my deadname and last name so I’m in the clear, it’s fine I just need to not accidentally show my face till I’m 18 then I don’t need to care much anymore it’s ok