#and the way I've been feeling in grad school for the past couple weeks and some things that have been said over those weeks

[girlscience]

Why do I feel so immature compared to literally everyone I interact with. Why does everyone treat me like I am some naive baby that needs to be protected. Why does everyone act like I am incapable of putting myself out there to get things done.

[usmsgutterson]

i'm here to send requestsss!

what about nikolai lantsov x sister!reader (or just sibling if you want to keep it gn) and how she had gone with nik every time he met up with the crows and she knows them all by now and she keeps in touch with kaz through letters and then one trip, she finally goes out to visit by herself and it's just hinted that y/n and kaz like each other

if you don't like it or feel it, feel free to ignore<3

Match Made by The Saints- K.B x fem! Reader

This was a blast to write, so thank you so much for sending it in! I am sorry it took me almost two weeks to write it out, I've just been stressing a lot over prom and upcoming grad stuff in combination with school related stress, as well as editing fics to get them ready for posting, but I hope you like this despite how much time it's taken

Fic type- this is fluff!

Warnings- mentions of alcohol, this is also mostly unedited and kaz is probably a bit ooc.

You'd naturally accompanied your brother every time he went to Ketterdam.

At first, it had been to act as the tether between royalty and the crows while Nikolai was acting as Sturmhond. Over time, it became an excuse to leave the palaces and see something outside of the village in Os Alta. From there, it became a matter of the fact that Ketterdam was a city that you quite liked and therefore, Nikolais trips provided you an excuse.

You knew the crows by name, and you loved each and every one of them.

There was Inej, her impeccable talent with her knives and her skills in the way of going unnoticed. She was excellent company, the wise type, unafraid to threaten your life in the same time she spoke one of her suli proverbs.

There was Nina and her abilities as a Grisha after her survival post jurda parem usage coupled with the fact that she was excellent company to keep, just as Inej was. There was the fact that she was skilled in combat, and the fact that, since making it out of the throes of parem withdrawal, she always seemed glad to throw a punch.

Her Fjerdan, Matthias, was the type to brood and stir in his silences, but most of those silences were comfortable. He was also good for a half decent cup of tea and, unlike other muscled types you'd known, did not have an affinity for the recital of eighty-page long sonnets.

There was Jesper, the sharpshooter, who was good for a glass of brandy and a bit of banter. He was the loyal type, the kind type, the type that you didn't expect to see much in a place like the Barrel. The love he held for Wylan, his boyfriend, was clear as water just in the way Jesper looked at him when he thought Wylan wasn't looking.

Wylan was the demo man, seemingly shy and a little aloof but very kind once you got to know him past it. He could create just about any bomb if he put his mind to it and he wasn't afraid to acknowledge his smarts in the area of destruction.

And then there was Kaz. The Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands, a demon created in the alleyways and drowned in the harbor. He was the second person you'd met during your first visit to Ketterdam, but had been your favorite person to see in all of the visits since.

Over time, you and Kaz began sending letters to occupy the time between your visits. You'd get a letter every two weeks, write a response, and send it out the following day.

You talked about anything and everything with him, from things as simple as the weather to things as complex as heist plans and the week-old gossip in the city. Somewhere along that line, a bit of an unspoken romance developed.

It wasn't that you were romantically involved, no. You just liked each other, and as Jesper joined the two of you in the Slat, you drinking a bit of brandy and Kaz having opted for coffee and vodka, the fact that you liked each other was almost as obvious as the sky was blue.

"Enjoying the weather?" Jesper asked. "You could've come at a better time if you were hoping to miss out on the spring rain. In summer, it gets hot and humid."

"Ketterdam is different from Ravka, then," you said with a smile. "I find Ketterdams weather preferable, usually. Ravkan summers get hot and dry, and rain in springtime is rare until the last week of May. It's beautiful here, though."

"Beautiful, criminally underrated," Jesper hummed, daring a glance at Kaz. He was watching you intently, his expression unreadable everywhere but in his gaze. His expression wouldn't've been readable to anyone else, but Jesper had long learned to look for signs of emotion in Kaz where nobody else would've thought to, a skill Inej had taught him in her returns from her voyages.

Kaz Brekker was looking at you like you were the one thing throughout the entirety of the Slat that had actually mattered. Jesper was entirely sure that he could've grabbed the Van Eck DeKappel painting and returned it to his and Wylans home without Kaz noticing or caring all that much in the end.

"It's full of gorgeous and handsome criminals, if you go to the right gambling dens and gang headquarters. How long are you in?"

"Til the end of August," you hummed. "Needed to escape the palaces for a bit. All of it was beginning to feel too mundane."

Jesper suspected that you had missed a certain guy with a thousand different nicknames, all of which had nearly the same connotations, too. He didn't say as much, only looked to Kaz.

"She's in on our heist jobs for the next bit?"

"A few," Kaz nodded. "We'll be going back to Ravka alongside her at the end of August. The royals need our assistance with a jewelry heist."

Jesper observed your gaze. You were looking at Kaz like he was the most important person in the room, just as he was looking at you. He wouldn't've tried, but had he wanted to, he was sure he could steal the Lantsov emerald from your person without you giving a damn.

"Who else is in?"

"The rest of the crows," Kaz responded. "You'll have to tell Wylan, though. I'm not popping to yours for dinner, and I won't see him for three days."

"You have alternate dinner plans?" Jesper asked, glancing between you and Kaz for a few moments. "Yeah. That's fine. Have fun."

Jesper did not know what to think of the pairing you two could've made, he just knew that he did not miss it; the pining, the yearning, the 'we like each other but we're both oblivious.'

He was glad the two of you may have had each other, though. It seemed a match made by the saints--or a match that would be made when you both stopped being fools, anyway.

[giggles-and-freckles]

Tag Game To Better Know You

I have been tagged in so many things by so many of you lovely people in the midst of my sorta-hiatus and I would break the internet if I tried to catch up...but I like this one because it feels like a good little re-intro into the Tumblr world. :-)

What book are you currently reading?

The Writing Revolution...I can't in good conscience recommend it unless you also happen to find yourself as a teacher trying to capture teenagers' imaginations and get them to produce complete sentences! Hahahaha. Miserable toil.

What’s your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

Ooh, this one's easy--The Little Mermaid!! I have seen it with my family twice and then with my friends once. (I felt a little freer to lust after Prince Eric when my husband and two children weren't sitting there with me...)

What do you usually wear?

These days, some form of athleisure. During the school year, I've been told my teacher style is "Jessica Day if she didn't care so much" and...that about sums it up.

How tall are you?

5′5″ AND A HALF (alternatively: taller than @stolen-pen-name23 which is all that truly matters in this world)

What’s your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Cancer...I think? Malala Yousafzai and Henry David Thoreau!

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

Most folks IRL call me Abigail. It's just my brothers, husband, and you guys who call me Abi!

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Absolutely not. I wanted to be a lawyer my entire life. My undergrad was pre-law and then life had other plans for me and now I'm teaching 8th grade American History. And LOVING IT. I start grad school in the fall and I'll be getting my Principal's Certification with that, so I suppose I'm in this education world for the long haul.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

I am tragically married. Sorry to all interested parties!

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

I'm fairly good with piano and singing. I'm terrible at cooking.

Dogs or cats?

Dogs forever and ever!

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

Oh my. I haven't written as much as I'd like to this year (although I'm hoping to post something before the weekend!!) so I'm choosing to interpret this as the last 12 months. Maybe this bit from walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity?

He holds out his hand, wondering if she’ll bare touching him. “Goodbye, Leia.”

She is not a girl of gentleness—this, he can tell. But she accepts the hand like she’s afraid to shatter it. “Goodbye.”

“Saying my name won’t hurt you, you know,” he says, refusing to be the first to let go.

“Remind me?”

He rolls his eyes. “Anakin Skywalker.”

“Skywalker, you said?” she echoes, and lets their hands fall between them. She opens the door and smiles teasingly at him, tilting her head. “Interesting. That was my father’s name.”

What’s something you’d like to create content for?

I think I'm forever stuck in my prequels hell!

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

Ur mom. Okay...sorry. Ahem. I've been sewing more lately. I used ot dabble in high school, but I'm finding more motivation to make things for my toddler than I did to make things for myself.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

The weather recently! It was supposed to rain the past couple weeks and we've not gotten much more than a few minutes of sprinkling. I looooove rainy days, so that's bummed me out quite a bit.

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

I'm excellent at whistling. It's completely useless, but I'll get compared to a Disney princess occasionally, so I guess that's something.

Are you religious?

Yes. My faith is very important to me, but it's *my* faith, so I don't feel the need to bring it up with strangers unless asked about it. (Crazy concept, right?)

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

A cuppa tea...so I think I'll go put the kettle on byeeeee

No pressure tags: @pandora15 @stolen-pen-name23 @tessiete @ilonga @kckenobi & anyone who wants to join in the fun!

[mirananananan]

little life update/rant below :)

i feel like i've been so inactive lately which makes me big sad, but when i say i have not had the time, i'm being so serious. yesterday i literally woke up, went into work an hour early, stayed after for almost 2 hours, went home, made dinner, and immediately sat down to work on a grad school assignment and then had to work for another hour before i went to bed. then i woke up this morning and did it all again. it just feels like that's how my days look more and more recently, and it's been really hard tbh. it's demoralizing and just sad to work all day and still wake up the next day wishing i had done more, still with a mile long to do list, and knowing that it's just going to keep being this way for at least the next couple weeks.

anyways all of this is to say that i'm just both really grateful for and sorry to all my mutuals who have continued to tag me in things and stuff in the past couple weeks :) it may sound weird or dumb, but if i'm being honest i have SERIOUS fandom fomo right now, and, even though i haven't really had time recently, it's been nice to not feel like lost in the shuffle or forgotten (i told u it was going to sound weird).

being on tumblr/in fandom has truly been the most incredible escape and been such a stress relief and source of happiness for me. i'm still very much here, just lurking and liking more because i'm conserving brain bandwidth as much as possible during the week!!!!

[psycholojosh]

Doing In-Person Psychotherapy for the First Time

For the past few weeks, I've been keeping busy with working on my hours for practicum. By the end of this year, I need to hit at least 200 hours of psychotherapy (as well as another 200 for assessment work) so that I can proceed to the next and (hopefully) final phase of my grad school: thesis. When I started practicum last semester, I felt really drained by the difficult learning environment, plus having to do a lot of work isolated from the others (literally and figuratively). I took a break from this semester to regain my mental energy I once had for psychotherapy clients.

Over a month ago, the mental health clinic of our school opted to open psychotherapy services onsite for students wtihin campus. Unsurprisingly, a lot of students did sign up for this and are now receiving their therapies in-person with their therapists (which includes trainees like me). I stepped into this same lane once I began opening this option up to my clients as well. One client has been very keen on seeing me in person as they would prefer seeing another person as they process their problems. I happily obliged to fulfill this request given that I too work much better when I'm not distracted by the quips of remote work.

True enough, the difference in experience was night and day. And I would prefer doing onsite therapy because for a couple obvious reasons. On one end, I get to see my clients (and vice versa) for who they present themselves to be. And I mean this not only in the physical way but also in a emotional way. A lot of what I find missing in remote tele-therapy is the ability to read nonverbal cues and other emotional expressions that a camera doesn't capture. I feel more in the flow with the client and get to "dance" with whatever things they throw at me during sessions. There's also the added value of just trying to be present with the client without making extra efforts to reassure them of this fact.

I also had to take time to ready myself and get comfortable with my clients expressing unpleasant or difficult emotions. I noticed that my clients feel safer crying and feeling their feels once we're confined within the same four corners of a safe space. Needless to say, I find delight - not in their suffering - but in the opportunity to create a safe space for them to just be themselves, feelings and all.

I guess the only con of working onsite is the travel and the summer heat. While I'm proud of myself for being on time for my clients' sessions, I can't help but still feel irritated about the "unpleasantries" of Metro Manila traffic, as aggravated by the summer sun. Inasmuch as I want to present myself as professionally (and also aesthetically pleasing way) for my clients, I have to be smart about what to wear and how to bring my belongings with the hassle of public transportation.

So far, my onsite work has made me realize that I could do therapy -- and that it's something I could develop much more once I get my master's degree. What I am looking forward to is when we fully reintegrate both onsite and remote modalities to interventions. But that's a different avenue of learning altogether. What I'm most excited about, actually, is getting to see a lively clinic again. I get to see more clients and clinicians, and feel that same vibrant energy I once felt in my previous job before the pandemic began.

In the meantime, if you ever see me in campus (if we are in the same school, or you just happen to be there), feel free to say hello.

Take care of your mental health, everyone!

[elijahkelly]

8/20/2023

I'm going to start by quickly going through some stuff that has been going on in my life that is huge and I would love to talk about later, but is not the purpose of this post.

Firstly, I got food poisoning from Cookout. It was so fucking horrible and I was incredibly miserable for a week, I went over 5 days without eating, and it not only took a toll on me physically, but also mentally. In conjunction with not being able to keep down my Prozac, being bedridden and helpless for a week while you watch your body destroy itself really ruins the self esteem.

Next, a friend of mine passed away last weekend. We worked together at my gym and he was always a fun and energetic person. Some shitty cards were dealt his way, and it was just too much for him. We went to his funeral this past Thursday, and it's been pretty tough for all of us who knew and loved him.

I was also recently made aware that Dylan does in fact have an engagement ring somewhere. He has already bought it, some people have already seen it, and I will be engaged soon. Like, within the next few months, presumably. He said he doesn't know if he's going to do it in the winter or the spring.

Two new people moved into my apartment. Dawson, who took Heather's room, and Aysiah, who took Dylan's room.

Lastly, we started classes last week! I am officially a college senior, and this time next year I will have a college degree. I am incredibly nervous, however, about the grad school search.

Those were pretty significant things that have happened lately, but were not my reason for writing this.

I wanted to make this post to voice my neuroticism about a situation that has really been stealing my focus as of late. I ran out of my Prozac shortly after getting over my food poisoning, and I will not be able to refill that prescription until I make an appointment to meet with my psychiatrist to see if any adjustments need to be made to my medication. So for the last week, I have been off my meds. I felt fine at first, but the last couple of days it has become glaringly obvious that I need to get back on them.

Because I've been off my meds for so long, I have been incredibly sensitive about my relationships with my friends. Specifically, Trent and Ozzy. They have quickly become two of my best friends, and they have also become incredibly close with one another. They have started hanging out with one another very often, which is fine of course. Off my meds, though, I think my brain is struggling to handle them being better friends with each other than they are with me. I have been so confident and self-assured lately, but that's been disrupted by my lack of medicine, so my insecurities of being outcast have started to resurface. Suddenly I really care when they spend time together without me, because my brain chooses to think that it equates to them liking me less. The logic behind it is that the more they spend time together without me, the more they might think that they don't need me.

There is another thing though. A couple nights ago, I went to a party with Dylan, Ozzy, Trent, and Grant. After the fact, Ozzy and Trent came back to my apartment with me and Dylan, and we sat in my room and talked for a while. Ozzy then said he was going to take Trent home, and they left. Being neurotic while also making sure they were okay, I watched their locations after they left. And I watched as both of their location icons went to Ozzy's house. Ozzy told me he made it home, but I never heard anything from Trent. I could see, though, that they were both at Ozzy's house. And I'm not going to lie, it made me upset. They went off to hang out together without me. I felt unimportant, forgotten, small. But I'm close with them, so I was comfortable mentioning how I felt. I texted Trent about it the next day, and he proceeded to tell me that he and Ozzy made out that night. That did not make me feel better. I, being in a relationship, have no right to speak on who decides to do anything with whoever else. But it didn't feel great to read that my two best friends were off behind my back making out and shit. I guess I'm nervous that they'll have some issue come up between them and it'll throw a wrench in our relationships? Maybe I'm upset that them doing this stuff together is solidifying a position where they like each other more than me. I don't know. But it sucks. They have full autonomy, but their actions made me feel like shit, and those feelings are just as valid as their decisions.

I don't know if I want to talk about it much more right now. Typing it all out honestly made me a little more upset about it, so I'm gonna end this here and brood for a while.

Bye for now.

[fizzingwizard]

and now a before-bed stress rant

I don't even remember if I bitched about how this term has begun. Suffice to say we are more understaffed than ever, and are relying on so many new hires, some of whom are lit fresh out of college and have zero experience working with young kids. And the thing about where I work is, when I first joined, there was a general policy that new teachers, unless they're very experienced, do their first year at the less busy schools.

Now the bar for experience is low: I was specifically moved to the school I'm at now after my first year because I was then considered "experienced." But IMO that first year really does make a difference. If I'd started at my current school, which is our company's biggest and busiest, I bet I would have quit like I've seen multiple first-year teachers do here. It's so much less stressful to learn the ropes at the smaller schools - which still have plenty going on! I found my first year very hard! - but at least I had room to make mistakes and figure things out. Here, the fact is we get by on the details. Everyone needs to know their part inside and out. That is what the company didn't value and why we're in such a jam now. They didn't value the workers who busted their butts for years, instead insulted and blamed them, and are now surprised that everyone except me and one other teacher quit. (Two are hanging on as subs, but one was at least partially, hmm, begged? bribed? lol. and they will both leave for good soonish)

The new teachers are having a rough time. I was out sick for two days recently, and while I wasn't there apparently there was some meeting in which a bunch of grievances came out, and someone even cried. It's only May for heaven's sake x'D the hard part is yet to come. we haven't even begun school events...! But that's how it is - the new teachers have just had so much dumped on them and had to hit the ground running because we don't have time for them to learn. It is fucking stupid. They are all great and really working so hard, but when me and a couple more experienced teachers brought up that we are exhausted and have child safety concerns because we are having to do too much classroom management on our own, the new teachers took it personally. Of course we assured them none of this is their fault (it's the company's!!!) and they are good people who took us at our word. But that kind of stressful feeling doesn't just evaporate. We need to find our rhythm, and in the mean time it is very difficult to hash out repeat problems without causing hurt feelings.

Now these past two weeks make it difficult for me to believe I was on a break in the first week of May lol. Part of that is getting sick. I had a great first week back, then the kid with the seizure thing happened - and the next day I had a fever. I got such a bad cold and in the end completely lost my voice. But I only have a few days of PTO left for the whole rest of the year, so I didn't want to use it all up. Plus, this week one of my coworkers was going to be off the whole week, and another off two days. Being so understaffed, we really can't afford teacher absences unless they're really necessary. So I've been going in, but most of the time I've feel tired, brain foggy, and congested. (For some reason the kids are all uber healthy tho lol)

Usually you get sick, lose your voice, and it comes back after a few days or a week. But it's been two weeks and I still can't talk about a whisper. I sound like a chain smoker. My hope when going back to work was that my coteachers would take over the talking. But I felt doubtful because I have two classroom coteachers, one I've worked with for a few years and she is just not a loud or talkative teacher, and the other is one of those new grads who's never worked with kids before. The first coworker did try her best. She's really amazing in so many ways. But it wasn't nearly enough help. I still had to talk so, so much. And that coteacher has so much writing in Japanese she needs to do during the day. While she's doing it, it's just me able to lead the kids. The new coteacher just doesn't know what to do. Anyway, she's been out this whole week and we've had a rotation of subs.

So I got sympathy from work, but really nothing to help my voice actually recover. There's no sub who could teach for me. I'm straining my voice every day and it's making me uneasy, although I know it does sometimes take longer for your voice to come back. I'll go to the doctor if it's still bad this time next week. But I really wish someone at work would have had a way I could get a little extra help during this time the kids can barely hear me unless I hurt myself shouting. I've completely lost all soprano notes lol.

Instead, work, while unintentional, has been even worse for me than it would have been normally. Because of the teacher absences, we've had that rotation of subs - but by subs I mean random part-timers, random admin, and random teachers from the older kids' school stopping in to help for a while and then leaving. These are good, helpful people - they just don't know the kids, don't know their personalities, don't know the behavior strategies that work with them, don't even know their allergies/medical info. It's so much pressure on us regular teachers even when we're healthy and have our voices. We should have actual subs who are trained in the school routine, but we don't. Once in a while, not being able to find a sub and having to rely on a non-teacher is just the reality and we have to accept it - but this has been happening consistently for over a year, on top of ever so many teachers quitting, and I've heard it's not just at my school but across all schools. Low pay, hard work - go figure!

I really needed someone with a voice and I have not been able to get it. Some coworkers and I were talking about company shadiness and I pointed out that although we work X hours, we only get paid for Y of them. So every time we work more than Y, the company is getting free work from us. (Overtime is on an approval-only basis and you never get it if you ask for it - company has to ask you. Doesn't matter if it's because the company assigned you too much to do.) Since we almost never get even half of the unpaid time available to take a break during the day, and nearly always have to work through it, it's pretty much like our hourly pay is less than it actually is because it's divided over the X hours instead of the Y hours. But the company doesn't tell you that :) because you COULD take the break if you want :) it would just mean you aren't able to finish your work at least without taking it home :) :) and then you'll get fired! :) :) :) absolutely nothing shady about that no sirree

if you are not paying me to work for you during a certain time... then I should NOT BE WORKING during that time. or you should pay me.

i mentioned to my coworker that the understaffing bugs me because when i was hired i was assured that regardless of teacher student ratio, there would be three teachers in every classroom. i wasn't surprised that that wasnt true for really small classes (I once sat in on a class with three teachers plus me as an observer, and only two kids x'D it was definitely overkill. it was because the other kids were out sick... but still they only totaled 6 :P). However, when my coworker said that sort of thing ("as long as we're still in ratio only two teachers is fine") I had to say "yes but the amount of work and duties we have is for three teachers, and no adjustment is made to the work load if you have only two" and then the coworker was like oh no i totally agree it's for three. And now imagine you have just two teachers, one of you is brand spanking new, and the other is a random admin because your usual coteacher is out sick... and you have three teachers' worth of work to do and twelve one-year-olds to take care of. and one-year-olds are feral. so are twos and threes. but ones in particular bc they have no sense of self-preservation and some of them think biting other kids is just a fun way to kill time.

and NOW imagine that same situation and cast AND... you have to lead these one year olds who can barely walk without tripping (or at all, in some cases) down several flights of stairs for an emergency drill. OMG. it is freaking chaos. i honestly don't know how we do it.

and on that note... here's how we do it: by the grace of god go I. It's not JUST luck. We are all hard workers and we care so much about our students. But we are only human. I keep trying to impress on the upper management that more PREVENTATIVE measures need to be in place, and that starts with actually staffing the school how it's meant to be staffed. But I doubt anything will change unless something big and awful happens. And I don't want something like that to happen, of course. That's why we scrambled to cover the company's ass - not because we care what happens to the bigwigs, but because anything that goes wrong is probably going to involve a kid getting hurt. I would much rather the company just fix things and not have to have some traumatic scenario play out first. Also might as well mention that, despite all our warnings, if anything does go wrong, it will be the teachers' fault. Maybe the company will take some sort of hit, but we exhausted, overworked teachers will be the ones whose jobs and reputations could get ruined. I don't want kids to get hurt, and I don't want me to get hurt.

It has me tearing my hair out over how silly and avoidable it all is. Just stop undervaluing pre-K teachers. Your whole line to sell our school is about how vital early education is and how you have this specialized curriculum about learning through play. Then you treat the teachers like we're babysitters. Despite all the lesson planning we do, and all the art project, science projects, sensory activities, grading, paperwork, school events, and more, that are required of us. Lol. If I'm a babysitter, I'd like to have a babysitter-level work ethic. I babysat when I was a teenager so I know. Put the kid on the couch with a movie and stick some chicken nuggets in the microwave, make 20 bucks an hour. BTW, these days babysitters often make more than that, and guess what, I get paid almost half that hourly x'D obviously more consistently! but still.

you know going into pre-K that this is what the pay's like, but I def wasn't prepared for how much work unrelated to watching the kids would fill up my unpaid break time, is my point.

anyway when will my voice come back from the war :P

[itsrottenwork]

Hellooo, mj!! Secret Santa here!! Happy New Year, love!! May 2023 treat you with lots of love and positive vibes for your family/friends!! Hopefully, you received my last couple of messages!! 🥳💕✨

I guess I should formally introduce myself!! My name’s Doly (she/they) and I had the pleasure of interacting with you this past month of December!! I had a wonderful time getting to know you through this exchange!! Here’s to a great 2023 filled with opportunity for many bright and beautiful things!! One thing I’d say I’m really looking forward to this year is to get back into my passions and reconnect with the creative side of myself again, whether that be reading more, painting more, getting outside more!! Cheers until the next one, hun!! 🥂✨ I’ll be looking forward to the pictures of your trip in the spring!!

doly beloved hello!! it's so nice to get to finally meet you!! I'm so sorry I went m.i.a. at the end of the month, I know I didn't respond to all your messages but I promise I read them all and appreciated every one (I'll happily answer your questions under the cut, and we can absolutely keep chatting in continued asks/dms if you'd like!!).

I hope you had a wonderful new years (happy belated birthday to your brother hehe) and enjoyed your trip!! I'd love to hear about all the fun things you got to do 😊

I've been very lucky having you as my holiday pal this year and I absolutely hope we keep in touch in the new year. best of luck with finding your creative spark, and I hope to share stories and photos of my upcoming adventures as the year gets into full swing. cheers!! 🥂

okie dokie now I'll rapid fire answer all the questions you left for me while I was away :)

preferred beverage on a hot day: your answer of mango smoothie was absolutely excellent, I always forget smoothies are an option hehe. my answer would be starbucks strawberry acai lemonade, but the secret is to have them add raspberry syrup to it

fictional world/place to go to: this is kind of a bad answer since it's technically a place in real life but I just went there irl so I'll say richmond from ted lesso is such a cute little town and I wish I could go back

any job: I've been desperate for some sort of creative sort of project, so any sort of job where I could tell an artistic sort of story, like a podcast or videos or something (although I get so frustrated with proper video cameras lol). more realistically I could see myself doing something with graphic design and branding, which has an element of storytelling to it at least

how was my vacation: my vacation was good!! it was amazing to see my family again and we had a lot of fun (even though my parents had a lot of travel difficulties). we also ate some really good food, I eat way better when my parents are paying for it hehe. at the same time, I haven't really had a moment to myself for a couple weeks now and I'm relieved to finally be alone again

holiday plans: unfortunately we didn't really do much for the holidays, I kinda feel like hanukkah didn't happen this year tbh. my sibling was with me for new year's which was kinda fun, we had some wine and stayed up for the fireworks, but honestly now that I'm finally alone again I'm treating this as my new year's, do a bit of self care and reset my life and whatnot.

2022 recap: saw one of my best friends for the first time since before the pandemic, wrote my senior thesis, graduated undergrad, had a lot of big work accomplishments I'm very proud of, got into grad school, and moved to a new country!! there's still a lot I wish I had done and hope to do in the new year, but all in all, 2022 was tough but positive, and I'm looking forward to the things I'll achieve in 2023 (dissertation, finishing grad school, finding a job, finally settling down, etc etc)!!

[gaz-light]

Mile 960

The penultimate entry. Ive thought a couple times bout what I'd write here and I'm still unsure of what I want to write here even as I'm writing it. It's been transformative, this whole experience and one I couldnt have been happier to undergo. To all maybe 1 of you thats read these, thank you and if you wondering yes this week at the gym was great. Im starting to fill out my hips. I went hiking on thursday and was ahead of the pack a lot of the time with a few other really fit friends. Im planning dates to go rock climbing. I learned on this journey how to stay consistent, how to eat healthy and be accountable, how to shop for my size, I actually set myself a goal and I achieved it without anyone else's help. Just me and the iron for the past 24 fucking weeks. It doesnt sound that long in the grand scheme of things but its felt like a lifetime. It councided with basically the second half of my first year of transition and my body and mind and life circumstances have drastically changed and exercise had become a point of reliability and consistency that I was missing. Someone used to call me their constant and I have long wanted for someone to fill that role and even if no one else will, then I can. I can be consistent and accountable and make myself happy. I struggle so much with impostor syndrome and how much of a success I feel like. Confidence aside my self esteem has been in the dumps. This journey was born of that misery. The way I hated my body, my stupid ex and the way she made me feel ugly and worthless. My father who does the same. My life that felt both stagnant and spiraling towards nothing. Despite everything, all that ive done and accomplished and succeeded at during this journey, I am still not perfect. This is not a magical happily ever after.

I didnt do any of this because I was happy. I was miserable. I am still, but not as much. I am not one to engage in suicidal ideation but god there were times I just did not want to exist. That everything felt like a fucking nightmare. Everything around me right down to foundational principles of my identity unraveled and ive been trying desperately to cobble myself back together in a way I dont hate. In a way that doesnt feel that's going to fall apart. Or self destruct. I'm not free of blame in my misery, I'm not a total victim. Who ever is? I self destruct. Over and over. I've blown up more than 1 long term relationships, lost 1 really good job, ruined my college social experience, my stupidity put me in a cast for several broken bones, I fucked up the easy dunk of getting into grad school, my relationship with my family is fucked. I so often start and abandon projects because i get bored or disinterested or have no one to do them for. I shut the fuck down. I lash out and vent and cry and whine. I insult myself. I get jaded and judge others too harshly. I say things that are petty and stupid. I overshare and undershare in the worst places. My internal values come from my places of privilege and the remnants of my childhood external validation. I still havent figured out who the fuck i am now that I'm an adult and realize how much shit i dissociated through as a kid and how much shit I accepted as my own as a kid without thinking or really meaning it. All I knew for certain is that I was unhappy and I couldn't live like that anymore and by fucking god I have been trying so hard to leave the place I was behind. It had boiled over for so so long and I regret how long I abided my own bullshit and I resent still the bullshit I do abide from others and from me.

I think the biggest takeaway from this for me is that you will always be there for yourself. Whenever you need you. You can't leave even if everyone around you and all your good fortune does. And you will pick yourself up and find something to make you happy again. To feel better. To feel pretty. I feel like such a pretty girl in a way I didnt before and in that way i am free. Like an angel that has finally been granted her wings. It is a lesson learned from heartbreak and misery and at the same time a realization that there is life and a world beyond the narrow scope of your problems. Itll still hurt. It wont be perfect and things will never be like they were. There wasnt a moment of this journey I didnt think of the past, or her, or how miserable I was. That misery had become for me a fuel to drive myself forward now 960 miles. I realize now that happiness and healing are not destinations I can reach, but I will trudge forward and do my best to smile every step.

The band Modern Baseball means a lot to me. My first real music taste came from some old cis friends I played MTG with for the better part of a decade. I read lots of their stuff as trans now that Brennan has gone they/them. Their song Note to Self was and remains as the influence for all of this in the form that it has taken.

Where I want to be still feels 1000 miles away, but pretending we feel safe right here gets harder every day.

Hey I had a dumb idea since I'm dramatic and gay

One of my most beloved and personally resonant bands that I listen to is Modern Baseball. In the song "Note to self" off of the Album? EP? Holy Ghost the line:

"Where I wanna be still seems a thousand miles away but pretending we feel safe right here gets harder everyday"

Serves as poignant metaphor for the disheartening internal struggle of trying to survive day to day while working on your happiness or your goals seems always almost hyperbolicaly out of reach.

To this I wonder, is it so hyperbolic? Over the course of a week I do abooout 40 miles worth of cardio exercise between biking and running and so it should take about 25 weeks to make it 1000 miles. I've been working on making my life a healthier and happier one these efforts are both physical and emotional. Emotional especially since there has been SO much shit since October. I'm curious to see, if I document it, just how much I change by 1000 miles. I fear they may be farther away than that, but maybe, just maybe, they only seem 1000 miles away.

Well periodically you'll be hearing about it. Maybe weekly.

[multiharlot]

nervous // matt murdock x age gap!reader

summary: you're the first girl to ever leave matt murdock speechless

warnings: extreme fluff, slight cursing, foggy absolutely not letting matt live this down, age gap, reader is freshly 22 and matt is 32

series masterlist || main masterlist || add yourself to my taglist!

you were fumbling with your papers in your hand as you let out a nervous shaky breath.

"shit shit shit shit shit" you mumbled as you looked through the stack of paperwork in your hand.

you were here to turn in your official graduation paperwork and to talk about grad school and your options after getting your bachelors. but as you walked, you'd realized all of your paperwork had somehow managed to become out of order and your masters application as well as your graduation paperwork was mixed together randomly. as you attempted to organize them, you ran straight into what felt like a wall wearing a very soft jacket.

you'd dropped your paper with a small oof.

"i'm so sorry" you gasped, not looking up and kneeling down to grab your papers.

"that's okay. you seem to be in a rush." the stranger chuckles, leaning down in front of you.

his hand reached out towards your papers, and that's when you looked up at him. your breath caught in your throat as you took in his very handsome features.

"i-i um...yeah. well no. not really. but like...i am. i- sorry. it's been a hectic couple of weeks for me and so i'm a bit scatter brained as a result." you blurt out, shaking your head at yourself.

he chuckles, nodding his head.

"i get it." he smiles, handing the papers over to you.

"thanks. i um...i'm y/n." you smile as you grab the papers from him.

"i'm matthew." he smiles back.

well, you're sure he's not smiling back so much as he's smiling at you. considering the blindness, not that you'd point it out.

"i like your glasses."

"i'm sure i would too." he says sarcastically, making you let out a very unattractive snort.

"blind joke. nice." you chuckle.

he opens the door to the building and gestures for you to walk in.

"thanks, they're kinda my specialty." he smiles.

you walk past him into the building and he takes a moment to breathe you in. matt thought you had the most gentle voice he'd ever heard. from what he could tell, you were kind and funny and someone he felt like he wanted to talk to all day long.

"so what're you in for?" you ask as you two walk over towards the front desk.

"i'm meeting with professor douglas. he asked if my firm would take on an intern or two next year."

you pause, looking over at him as you reach the sign in desk.

"you're matt murdock. of...nelson and murdock. like...the people who took down fisk. i mean, aside from daredevil."

"guilty as charged." for both, matt thought.

"well, i have to say i'm honored." you smiled, handing over the pen.

"trust me, the honor is mine." he smirked, and your face heated up, and for just a moment, you were glad he was blind.

you cleared your throat, reaching your hand out with the pen.

"i-thank you. um...here's the pen. for the...yeah." you mumbled nervously, making matt smile.

"thank you. so what're you here for?" he asked as he felt around the page, his eyebrows furrowing realizing he couldn't feel where to sign.

you gently placed your hand on his bicep.

"may i?"

matt felt his entire body go stiff and cold, god he never wanted your hand to leave his arm.

"y-yeah. thank you." he nods, and you place your hand atop his and your other on the page.

"here's the box to put your name, and then the box over is where you write down who you're here to see"

you looked up at him to find him looking down at you. well, not looking, but it felt like it the way his eyes looked into yours through his red lenses.

"thank you." he says, and you nod your head.

you took your hand back and cleared your throat.

"i-i'm here to uh, see my advisor. i'm turning in my graduation paperwork and trying to see which route to take in regards to grad school. i hear getting your masters is just kind of a money hole." you sigh.

"i've heard that too. what's your major?" he nods, and turns around.

you make your way towards the waiting area together and take a seat as a small padded love seat.

"neuropsych. clinical." you nod, letting out a shaky breath.

"pretty and smart." he says, smirking as he hears your heart rate go up.

"and how would you know that, hm?" you quirp back.

he smiles, shrugging his shoulders.

"i just do."

your name is called and you look over at your advisor, and you nod your head, standing up and grabbing your things.

"give me your phone."

"robbing a blind man?" matt asks, quriking his head as he reaches into his pocket and hands you his phone.

"yet you still give me your phone?" you chuckle.

"i kinda have a thing for scatterbrained girls who try to rob me."

you just let our a snort and hand his phone back.

"give me a call, sometime mr. murdock."

oh i will, he thought as he listened to you walk away.

***

"i can't do it, fog." matt says, throwing his hands up as his phone sat on his desk in front of him.

"oh my god matt. are you...nervous?" foggy smirks.

"shut up. i'm serious foggy. i can't do it. i can't. what do i say? what if i say something stupid and she just ignores the text and i never see her again?"

"oh my god you are nervous. totally nervous. like a little boy in middle school who's about to ask the popular girl to the valentine's day dance."

"foggy i'm serious. just...help me. please."

"me? you want me to help you? me, foggy nelson, help you, matt murdock?"

"yes foggy. you. franklin nelson, help me. matthew murdock."

"this is...epic. i gotta meet the girl who made matt murdock this nervous. this is a historic moment." foggy claps his hands as he lets our a dry laugh.

"foggy can we do this later please? it's been like two days already."

"two days and you haven't called or texted? nothing??" foggy yells, and matt winces.

"it's bad isn't it."

"very bad, my friend. but still salvageable. you can just say you had a big case and couldn't spare the time that she deserved."

"okay. yeah, i can say that."

"or you can tell her that your shaking in your pantaloons because of how nervous she makes you"

"foggy!"

"okay okay i'm sorry. just...breathe. and just call her. i promise, it'll work out if it's meant to."

matt nods, taking a deep breath before picking up the phone and finally calling you. foggy steps out of his office and stands by matt's door that he'd left open just a tiny bit.

"hello?" you say through the phone's speaker.

matt takes in a quick breath and a wide smile replacing the worried frown on his face.

"hey"

foggy smiled and he heard you tease him about how you thought he'd been scared off by you trying to rob him. and encounter matt had retold far too many times. foggy's heart melted as he watched matt laugh, actually laugh for the first time in god knows how long.

he quietly pressed the door closed and just shook his head.

"quaking in his boots and for what"

taglist:

@luvr-bunnyy @inas-thing @glowstick-lesbian @anothersworld @fuck-goes-on @mrbillymontgomery

[lacharcutiere]

still [sawamura daichi]

1,6k words

previous | masterlist | next ➪

part eight of i’m gone i’m gone i’m gone miniseries. you can only put these things off for so long.

JST: japanese standard time (GMT +9). EST: eastern standard time (GMT -5). EDT: eastern daylight time (GMT -4).

tings // fluff, a little bit of angst, kinda suggestive at the end ?? // i swear this søng is abøut eating øut my best friend's pussy - cøzybøy // dm, ask or comment to be added to taglist ! minors dni.

☾𓆙𓂻

— JAPAN, SUMMER 2024.

the summer passes like this: you and daichi laughing too loudly in busy restaurants and train cars; having arms around each other in the back of taxis on the way home from clubs; making instant udon at three a.m.; walking up and down the neighborhood a hundred times; laying silently side by side and not needing to say anything. it's a routine, it's familiar—it's home.

a couple weeks before you're set to head back to new york, daichi asks you a question as you lay next to him on a blanket in your driveway, staring up at the stars.

"have you decided what your plans are after college?"

"i'm gonna come back here."

"i thought you wanted to go to grad school? you can do way better in the states, especially with a degree from columbia."

you roll onto your side so you can look at him better. "i know. but i've been away too long already. i miss you."

he gives you a little smile. "but i'm right here."

"right here is pretty fucking far from america."

"hm."

"hm."

that's the end of the conversation.

— 2 AUGUST 2024. 23:09 JST.

everything happens the exact same way it has for the past three years: he takes you to the airport. you try hard not to cry; you say your goodbyes. check-in, security, buy some candy to eat at the gate. board the plane. sixteen hours later, you're in america.

one thing was different, though.

when he said goodbye, his lips touched yours.

you don't stop thinking about it for weeks.

☾𓆙𓂻

— AUGUST TO NOVEMBER 2024.

slightly relieving is the fact that amid thesis writing and too many classes and working an internship under one of your professors (that one's nice, it even earns you enough to get a small apartment a few blocks from campus), there proves to be little time to be spent missing daichi.

you finesse your schedule to fit weekly facetimes on friday evenings (new york time) and shoot random texts back and forth about your day between classes and during meals, and without much space for anything else, it's enough. good things are worth waiting for, anyway.

— DECEMBER 2024.

but then winter sem break rolls around and there's no school so it's back to having too much lonely alone time with your thoughts. you write daichi a christmas card and drop it off at the post office. it's early this year, but oh, well.

☾𓆙𓂻

a week before christmas you receive a call from an unknown number. the phone speaker crackles when you accept the call.

“hello?”

“hey.” the voice on the other end is bright, smiley, accented. it’s tōru.

“tōru? what’s up?”

“i’m outside,” he says, “come down and meet me?”

you’re a little confused, but you decide to humor him. “uh, okay, give me a minute… do i need anything?”

“bring a coat, it’s cold out. i’ll be waiting down here.” the call ends.

a few minutes later you push through the doors of the building to be met with a brisk wind and tōru standing by a payphone, grinning.

“do you have your subway pass?”

you feel inside your pocket for it and nod.

“good,” he says. “come on, we’re in a hurry.”

“where are we going?”

“downtown.”

“ohhkay?”

he laughs. “‘s not anything you won’t like, promise.”

you follow him into the nearest subway entrance, lost in thought as you push through the barrier and step onto the train. it's only when he nudges you and says, "this is our stop," that you realize you've been looking at the ground the whole time.

tōru notices how absent you seem to be and asks, "are you okay?"

"i would be if i knew what was going on," you respond.

"yeah," he says, leading you up the stairs and into the terminal, "yeah, i think you will be."

you're in grand central. tōru asks if he can borrow your phone for a second. when he hands it back to you, he doesn't say anything, just takes you by the arm smiling widely and leads you into the fray of commuters that fill the station.

"tōru!" you groan, "can't you just tell me where we're going?"

"magnolia," he replies simply.

"we came all the way here just for coffee?"

"mhm."

"tōru!" he stops walking and turns back to you, trying and failing miserably to stop grinning for a second. "what the fuck?"

"come on," he says, "you'll like it."

"we've been here before! what's so special about—"

"you'll see."

☾𓆙𓂻

coffee in grand central is surprisingly good. it's also surprisingly expensive. ah, well, it's new york. new york has much more to offer than just overpriced cafés.

such as... this. such as a laughing man that leads a remarkably pissed-off looking girl by the arm, towards this stupidly good, stupidly overpriced café.

the pair are weaving through a stream of people, almost there, and then they're there, and the girl is looking much less agitated now. she looks somewhere between crying and wanting to run in the opposite direction. thank god, she chooses the former.

he loves you. so much.

☾𓆙𓂻

"daichi?" you mean it to be a scream but your voice cracks a little and it comes out airy.

he has the exact same look on his face that tōru's had this whole time. "hi."

"oh my god, what the fuck?"

"you said it was lonely, tōru told me maybe it would be nice for you to have a date for new year's, i had some extra money saved up. so i came."

"you— what?" you look back at tōru. "you planned this? just? last minute?"

"nah," daichi laughs, "no, i meant to come visit you for christmas a while ago. i already had tickets and everything, i was gonna tell you but then i got your card and figured it might be more fun if it were a surprise."

"oh my god." that's all you can think to say.

— CHRISTMAS 2024.

you can't even explain how good it feels to wake up and walk into the living room to find daichi asleep on your couch on christmas morning, how good it feels for it to not just be you. the whole time he's been here, though, you've forced yourself not to think about the fact that he's going back home in a week and a half, forced yourself not to do anything just yet. soon, though. just a few more months.

☾𓆙𓂻

when he wakes up, you're making coffee for the two of you.

"merry christmas," he says, wrapping one arm around your shoulders. he places a card on the counter in front of you. "open it."

its message is simple.

you do as it says.

"i, uh, haven't gotten you anything yet, but—"

"daichi," you laugh, "it's okay. and um, i may have also not been able to get you anything. also because i didn't know you'd be here."

"wait, wait, i'm not finished."

"okay?"

"what do you want to do after you're done this year of school?"

"i already told you," you say, "i'll move back home."

"no, what do you want to do? you want to go to grad school, right? continue studying here?"

"no, i just want to stop waiting." you sigh, a little frustrated. "i don't wanna have to keep putting this off, it's been—"

he cuts you off. "i'll be here."

"huh?"

"i'll be here. or wherever."

"i don't get it?"

you've always loved the way daichi's nose scrunches up when he smiles. "you're the one planning on studying more, not me. not immediately, anyway. i'll go with you."

"daichi."

"what?"

"you're fucking joking."

he laughs; you look so confused right now. "i'm not. promise."

"i don't even—"

"hey."

"hm?"

"think you can handle long-distance for five months?"

"uh—" you inhale sharply. "yeah."

"good," he says, "then we don't have to keep putting this off."

it's been five months since you last let your lips touch his. it still feels just like the first time it happened.

— 31 DECEMBER, 2023. 19:36 EST.

he tries not to let you pay for dinner, but in the end, you slip the waiter your card while daichi's in the bathroom. it's his birthday; it's your treat.

and after dinner, there's that new year's eve party that tōru's been going on about. it feels good, so good, not to be there alone. it feels good to watch the broadcast from downtown and count the seconds to midnight as daichi's arms are wrapped around you from behind. the clock reaches zero; daichi kisses you hard. you're both drunk on champagne.

you watch him smile across the room at tōru, who's got his girl on his arm. the two of them look happy, too. everything is warm.

— DEPARTURE: 3 JANUARY 2025. 08:15 EST.

daichi's asleep next to you when the alarm on his phone goes off. you'll miss not waking up next to him for the next five months, but at least that's all it will be.

he makes faces at you in the mirror as you both brush your teeth; keeps trying to tug your sweater off when you get dressed. you spend these thirty minutes laughing with him until it hurts. the two of you take the subway back to grand central; make out in a corner of the terminal while he waits for his train to jfk international to arrive.

"see you in may."

— 21 JANUARY 2025.

taglist: @sakruisin-thru @softetsurou @oligbia

[fycarmensandiego]

A chat with author Melissa Wiley

In 1996, HarperCollins published six Carmen Sandiego chapter books, featuring VILE villains from the then-current "Deluxe"/"CD-ROM"/"Classic" generation of computer games and a new lineup of Acme agents, headed by a Black female Chief (Lynne Thigpen ha impact), and focusing on kid detectives Maya and Ben.

The series included two books each by two writing teams and one solo act, Melissa Peterson. I got in touch with Melissa, who now uses the pen name Melissa Wiley, and she graciously answered some questions about writing the Carmen books and beyond.

To get you caught up to my knowledge before the interview, here's Melissa's website, and here's her bio as printed in the two Carmen books (accompanied by the caricature above):

Melissa Peterson is the author of several books for young readers. Born in Alamogordo, New Mexico, she has lived in eight different states and visited Germany and France. She has never ridden a dolphin, but she did eat a great deal of sour cherry ice cream outside the cathedral in Cologne. [Note: These are both references to plot points in Hasta la Vista, Blarney.] Her research for Hasta la Vista, Blarney included many hours playing Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? An official ACME Master Detective, she lives in New York City with her husband and young daughter.

FYCS: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview.

Melissa Wiley: What a fun blast from the past! The Carmen books were my first professional writing gig and I had so much fun working on them.

That's so exciting to hear! With that being the case, how did you get involved with the books?

I was an assistant editor at HarperCollins, working for the wonderful Stephanie Spinner. I started out as her editorial assistant at Random House right after grad school and moved to Harper with her a year later, shortly after [my husband] Scott and I got married. Stephanie knew that I wanted to be a writer, and she often sent in-house writing assignments my way (lots of cover copy). When I left Harper in 1995 to have a baby, Stephanie recommended me for several book assignments, including the two Carmen Sandiego novels. That project had been underway for several months—Harper was doing a tie-in with the game and TV show. There were six books in total; two were assigned to me and four went to other writing teams [Ellen Weiss and Mel Friedman, and Bonnie Bader and Tracey West]. I often joke that I got my first modem, my first baby, and my first book deal in the same month!

I loved working with my Carmen Sandiego editor, Kris Gilson. The two books were a blast to write and a great learning opportunity for me. Ellen Weiss remains a good friend of mine. She's a true gem of a person!

Have your experiences writing the Carmen books influenced your work since then?

With Carmen, I discovered how much I love writing humor. Before that (in grad school), my poems and stories were on the serious side. I had so much fun with the playful, sometimes goofy tone of the Carmen Sandiego books that I definitely shifted afterward to more of a focus on humor in my books. I still find writing from a place of playfulness to be my most satisfying kind of work.

Were you familiar with Carmen Sandiego before writing the books?

I loved the computer game! I'd seen several episodes of the show—it's all a bit blurry now and hard to say which I encountered first—and really enjoyed it, but I especially loved the game. Instant classic!

How much guidance did you receive from HarperCollins / Brøderbund? Were the plots your own, or were you given plot outlines?

We were given the basic descriptions for the two kid detectives, and I had a couple of meetings with the editors and the other writers to flesh out the characters a bit more—give them personalities. I don't think Mel was in the meetings, but Ellen was there, and Tracey and Bonnie.

Then I wrote outlines for my two books and the other writers outlined theirs. I was assigned one "Where in the World" mystery and one "Where in Time" mystery. I think I submitted several plot ideas for each—the big challenge was thinking up interesting objects for Carmen and her henchmen to steal. The Blarney Stone and cocoa beans were my favorite ideas and I was thrilled that they got picked!

How did you research the books?

Those were AOL days, and the web wasn't yet a place for intensive research, so I spent a lot of time in the library. For The Cocoa Commotion, I conducted phone interviews with staff members at the Hershey chocolate factory—lots of fun. But I never did get to visit the Blarney Stone!

What was your favorite part of working on the books?

Researching the history of chocolate! Naturally I had to do a lot of sampling in order to describe it properly. ;)

Your author bio in the books mentions that the scene in which Maya and Ben eat sour cherry ice cream in Cologne, Germany was inspired by an actual experience of yours. Did any other experiences of yours make it into the books? Have you had any other travel experiences that notable? (Note: I'm originally from Northern Michigan, so travel experiences involving tart cherries are a high bar to clear for me.)

Ohhh, that sour cherry ice cream! I hope I get to taste it again someday. Apart from eating a lot of chocolate, I can't remember any other personal experiences that informed the books. If I were to write one today, I'd make sure to set a scene in Barcelona. My husband and I spent a week there in 2008 and it was an incredible trip. The paella! The Gaudí buildings! Art on every corner! I'd love to go back someday.

The bio also features a caricature of you with your baby daughter...

That drawing was made by the brilliant comic book artist Rick Burchett, who was working with Scott on Batman comics at the time. Scott was an editor at DC Comics and Rick was one of his favorite artists to work with. When I needed a bio illustration for the Carmen Sandiego books, we commissioned Rick to draw it. I love that piece so much! The baby is my oldest, Kate, who was born right around the time I started working on the books. We still have the original art!

You've written over 20 children's books for a variety of ages, in a variety of genres. Do you have any favorites among them?

That's so hard to say—I'm fond of all of them and I dearly loved creating worlds and adventures for Charlotte and Martha in my Little House prequels—but The Prairie Thief and The Nerviest Girl in the World are extra-special to me. I grew up in Aurora, Colorado and had a summer job at a wildlife refuge on the prairie, a landscape that served as the setting for Prairie Thief. I loved getting to weave secrets into the prairie setting that means so much to me.

Your most recent book, The Nerviest Girl in the World, was published last August. Can you tell us a bit about why you wrote it?

I lived for 11 years in La Mesa, California, a small town just outside San Diego. While I was there, I learned that in the very early days of silent film, there had been a film studio in town. Eventually the studio moved to Santa Barbara, but it was exciting to discover that before Hollywood was the center of the American film industry, little old La Mesa was a moviemaking place. I began reading everything I could find about the studio, and when I learned that many of the cowboys in those early Westerns were real cowboys and ranchers, an idea for a book began to take shape—the story of an adventurous girl who stumbled into work as a daredevil film actress along with her cowboy brothers.

Of course, I'm legally compelled to ask the question that literally every interview currently includes: how has the pandemic changed your job?

LOL! Yes, it's the question right now, isn't it! Well, I've worked at home since the Carmen Sandiego days, and I homeschool my kids, so in the biggest ways our lives weren't hugely affected by the shutdown. But I used to do a lot of my writing in cafés, and I miss that like crazy! I had to think up all sorts of new strategies for staying focused at home this past year. I'm hoping to get back to the coffee shops this summer!

Something I found really interesting is that you have a Patreon, which you explain you started to help pay for medical bills. How has that experience affected your work as an author?

I've played with lots of kinds of content on Patreon and really enjoy having a space to share behind-the-scenes stories. It's a more intimate and personal space than social media, so I feel free to let my hair down and be really frank.

Thanks so much for these fantastic questions! I had so much fun reminiscing about the Carmen Sandiego adventure!

[linkispink1995]

Better as friends (23) the facade crashes

Previously

Series Masterlist

Chapter warnings:language,drunkenness and Alison

~~~~~~~~~

Steve's p.o.v

It had been a few weeks since Y/n and I's conversation and it also happened to be the last time Y/n and I spoke since whenever she'd drop Jackson off and pick hi up she'd be really quiet. I was starting to worry that it was maybe my fault , I knew that I shouldn't have asked her that but Alison being Alison continuously asked me that. Speaking of Alison she was now at the 5 month mark and by this time Y/n had a bump and an attitude and Jackson would move around and kick to the sound of voices but Alison so far had no bump unless she did and was just hiding it very well and never ever wanted to talk about the baby or her doctor's appointment. I felt like I was being so let in the dark with Y/n I'd roll my eyes and shrug the things off that she'd tell me and I definitely feel like this was payback. I couldn't belive it , I was scared I was missing thing or that some things just didn't add up , I was currently sitting at my cubicle at work stairing at the clock counting till I could go home. Alison wouldn't be home till late because it was her cousins bachelorette party and she'd be having to drive them since she couldn't be drinking anymore , except for her small glass of wine at night which I still wasn't sure to believe that or not. I had almost fallen asleep in my desk for the third time today when there was a phone call , I sighed before picking the phone up and answering "Hello this is Harrington-" I was cut off by a voice saying. "Yeah whatever listen we need to talk" it was my sister Polly , I sighed saying "I'm not talking to you" before I could hang up she added. "Are you dating Alison Martin" I sighed again saying "why" she responded saying "answer the question" I huffed saying "yeah I am why" Polly was silent before finally saying "do you remember when I was a junior and they put me in a dorm with a freshman" I rolled my eyes as she added. "Now do you remember how I said she was this rich and entitled mean girl who was always out partying and lied like a rug" I answered saying "yeah I remember you nagging about it" she responded saying "it was Alison". I rolled my eyes saying "Polly this is just sad okay stop calling" before she could respond I hung up the phone.

After the ridiculous phone call with Polly I came home to a dark and empty apartment I knew Alison was still out but usually she'd leave a light on. I entered the kitchen to grad a drink out of the fridge when I noticed a small take out box from some restaurant I didn't recognized maybe Alison went out to lunch but when I knew she had classes and a doctor's appointment. I shrugged that off before exiting the kitchen only to be stopped by a shopping bag in the trash and with closer examination I saw that a movie ticket stub was tucked in the bag. Again I brushed it aside thinking it was just paranoia that had been amplified by my phone call with Polly , after a shower and putting on warm close even though it was june the apartment was ice cold per Alison's request and I knew that when Y/n was pregnant that the word no wasn't one she liked . After settling on the couch I sat there before see there was a star wars marathon on tv , as the movie began to play I couldn't help but feel somewhat grateful that Alison wasn't home since I knew by now she'd turn the tv of and give me the speech about it rotting my brain or her speech about how nothing in star wars actually made sense. About half way through the empire strikes back I got up from my seat to open the cabinet above the fridge were I store (hid) away my junk food from Alison since shortly into are relationship she disposed all of mine and insisted from then on out she'd do the grocery shopping.

I awoke to the sound of the front door opening and practically slamming , I sat up to see the ending seen of return of the jedi was playing. I wiped some of the chip crumbs off of myself before hearing noise come from the kitchen , I entered to see Alison standing by the kitchen sink with a glass of water in hand. She was silent except for the small sounds of hiccups coming from her , I spoke saying "are you okay" she ignored me and instead began walking or should I say somewhat stumbling out of the kitchen before she finally spoke to me saying. "Goodnight" alchohol I smelt alcohol on her breath so strong I could almost taste it , I felt nauseous like my whole world had crashed down before I spoke saying "you lied to me" she turned before busting out into a strong laughter before she walked towards me with her finger placed on her mouth saying. "Shhhhh you can't tell Steve okay , it's a secret" she was so drunk she couldn't tell it was me I knew I had to confront her but I wanted to know what the secret was so I asked. "I won't tell him" she responded saying "I'm not pregnant" my heart fell as I began to feel nauseous before she added. "I don't know why I said it It just sorta fell out , but he believed it and I'm so screwed i have no clue what I'm gonna do". I felt my legs become uneasy at her confession as she continued "and I mean I just feel so bad you know he's a really nice guy he deserves someone who doesn't lie to him , he deserves someone who writes him these letters. You know he had someone like that , he had Y/n and you know what after all the stuff he's said to her Y/n still comes back just for that kid. Let me tell you something okay when I was his age my dad left and do you know when , he left on Christmas eve." My face fell in shock before saying "but Steve meet your dad" she chuckled again before saying "who Robert , Robert's my stepfather he's the only decent person in that family. My sister's a nightmare and I won't even get started on my mother , listen I'm tried I'm gonna to bed and don't tell Steve about are little talk." I ignored her words before as she entered the bedroom I didn't know what to do my instinct was to kick her out but I wasn't doing that to someone blackout drunk so instead I sat at the dinning room table to think until I knew I needed to talk to someone. It couldn't be Y/n because it was two thirty in the morning and God only knows what she'd be doing with Stewart. It couldn't be Robin since she left a few days ago to visit Helen up at school , Matt and Collen were definitely a no. I was blanking totally blanking until I knew the one person would wouldn't take my crap and would tell me how it is which is exactly what I needed right now.

I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital before walking in , I walked in before getting to the receptionist saying. "Hi I'm looking for Paige Walker" she nodded before I heard a voice say "Steve" I turned to see Paige in her scrubs before I said "can I talk to you". She huffed before saying "fine" after walking down a hallway to sit on a bench Paige spoke saying "whatever nonsense this is I will take Y/n's side cause you-" I cut her off saying "Alison is lying a being pregnant". Paige's face fell saying "oh Steve I'm sorry" I shrugged saying "whatever it's payback from how I've treated Y/n". She responded saying "you know you might've been a jerk and I'm just saying that word cause I'm at work right now but you never treated Y/n horribly when she was pregnant I mean you stayed there and-" I cut her off again saying "Paige did Y/n tell you I was there when Jackson was born". She nodded before I added "God she really is a good person I mean she must've told you the story she's told Jackson". Paige's face feel in shock before I added "I wasn't there when he was born , I wasn't there when my son took his first breath or opened his eyes for the first time , do you know how long it took for me to realize my son's eyes are brown". She frowned saying "oh my god she protected you from the group cause she knew we'd be mad" I nodded as she added "so why didn't you go to Y/n , why here". I sighed saying "didn't wanna bump into Stewart" she shrugged saying "why would you run into Stewart he's in Florida and they broke up you know that right" . I shook my head as she added "yeah it was mutual I guess" I frowned thinking that was what had Y/n so down these past couple week , why she was so quiet. I spoke again saying "thanks Paige" she nodded saying "sorry I didn't invite you to my wedding" I shook my head saying "don't be it's okay". Paige and sat there in silence before I added "and I really miss hanging out with you guys so-" this time I was cut of by Paige saying "make things right with Y/n and you can hang out with us" I nodded before saying "your right I know exactly what I have to do"

The following morning

It was the next morning and I was running on zero sleep except for that small nap I had during the movies last night. I was sitting at the dinning room table ready to talk to Alison like an adult , as soon as I got home from the hospital I took a seat exactly where I was and rehearsed exactly what I was going to say. My a millionth rehearsal was interrupted saying "don't worry I can hold my own hair up when I'm sick" I ignored her words as she entered the dinning room saying "what". I responded saying "you

Iied to me , to me the person who chooses your side over my own sons , the person who turned his back on his family for you the person who was actually excited to have a baby with you , but it isn't true. You lied to me Alison" she scoffed saying "I don't know what your talking about" I sighed saying "you know what drunk Alison just tells people how it is your not pregnant are you". She had a blank expression before she spoke saying "no I'm not I-" Alison stopped she completely blanked on words before I decided to ask another question. "Did you ever have a roommate named Polly Harrington" she silently added before I continued with my questions. "Did you steal the letter for Y/n , the letter meant for me , did you take it and did you read it". She silently nodded as I added "you know I didn't read it right" she scoffed saying "oh please you had that in your pocket and you don't want me to believe you didn't read it". I rolled my eyes before pulling a sheet of paper out of my pocket saying "you mean this" she nodded as I added "this is something I wrote for Y/n what did you think it was". She responded with "That's it Steve I can't take this anymore" I huffed saying "are you kidding me your upset .She rolled her eyes at my words saying "you Steve I'm upset with you" I huffed again saying "me what did I do , you faked a pregnancy and it doesn't just hurt me it hurts Jackson-" she cut me off saying. "That's it , it's all about the kid" I sighed saying "he's my son what do you want me to do". She then crossed her arms saying "choose" I shrugged in confusion as she added "it's either me or the kid , choose" I couldn't belive it , she sounded like I did when Y/n and I broke up and I then remembered what my mother said "sometimes we need to see someone make the same mistake to know that's what they were". That's when I knew the answer to Alison's question was "Jackson , Jackson Michael Harrington will come before anyone including myself and if you don't like it that's just to damn bad". Alison frowned saying "but I'm your girlfriend" I nodded as she added "and I love you" I nodded again saying "I know but-". She cut me off saying "no buts Steven I'm your-" it was my turn to cut her off saying "Steve my name is Steve not Steven okay" she huffed saying "I love you" I nodded before saying the words that were wanting to oze out of me , "and I love Y/n", her face then twisted into anger saying "excuse me" I nodded saying "I love Y/n" she then sighed saying "but-" I cut her off again saying. "Alison your a horrible person , you attacked Y/n several times , you turned me against my parents and my best friends but not only that you tried to get in between my son and I oh and am I forgetting something else yeah you pretended to be pregnant" before she could say anything else I added "we're done Alison".

Please don't plagiarize my work , stay safe and feedback is appreciated - thanks Meg

Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

[storyofmyownlife]

End of The Decade

I started this about 9 years ago for a very simple reason-I was hooked on the tv show called Akward. Jenna, the main protagonist of the show, likes to write blogs about her life as a way to cope and express how she feels. Awe inspired, I decided to create my own anonymous blog with the hopes that cathartic venting and documenting the past can help me navigate the present. For the last couple if years, l had been given many opportunities to taste the bittersweet feelings of life. Truth to be told, I have never thought I would be here writing this blog to end the decade. The earlier entries can attest to this. Ten years a go my life was in shambles. I had a broken family, broken English, and the broken will to live.

My father, two siblings and I arrived in Canada on April of 2009 to finally live with my mom. With little regards of the past, I cherished the brand new start to live a life without prejudice. I felt very little emotion when I left the Philippines because I knew deep down I could finally escape the invalidation of others of how I suppose to love. Of course, then, I was naive to think that I wouldn't felt that way ever again- I was completely wrong. It did not take long before everything start to turn sour. Us siblings did not get a long. We did not group together and we did not know how to live with one another. My mom and dad started to fight a lot. Almost every night. My dad started drinking a lot for many reasons that I know now and understood, but not completely forgiven. He misses his old life back in his home country- the life of the party and his other family. My mom push him to work and help with bills. Just like my sister and my brother and I, My mom and dad did live apart for many years. The feeling of living with my whole family was foreign to me. A month after arrival, the incident happened. The police came and for many months the social worker came and visit us. The resentment between us siblings began to build up. For many months, my brother and I blamed my sister for telling the truth. Knowing what I knew now she did the right thing. Nevertheless, my brother and I alienated her.

I also had broken English. I did not make a lot of friends in Grade 8. I was that loner kid who would spend every day during lunch alone and would walk on the school ground by himself. My sister and my brother got their own friends. I wanted to make my own but couldnt. On the bright side, my brother became friends with the guy name Denver. He is one of the only few people in our lives who never left for the past decade. He is still with us.

I started high school. I made more friends who are Filipino. We all kind of form this group. Denver is also part of it. Within that inner group, we had more inner clique called cajibo. I'm not going to disclose who they are because I no longer associate myself with them and it does not matter. There were also four girls who called themselves kimfejeny and they became part of the inner group. Regardless of what happened in the end, they taught me a lot of things about life. For the first time, they made me feel what is like to find a family in a group of random strangers. I must admit they helped us work throughout with some of the traumas. We had crazy dreams together, we spent so many adventures together, and they taught me the life is not as simple as black and white. It all ended because I cared too much and told the truth when it was not my place to do so. Inspite of if all, there were some silver linings to it.

I worked hard to improve my english and move in advance english. My ESL teacher helped me a lot. I improved my academic performance in no time. I also began to developed new relationships. My brother and I became more close to Daniel, Alen, Kith, and Alden. I also began to listen to Taylor Swift's music. She did help me cope with unreciprocated love, broken hearts, and the unpredictability of life. I swear I had crush on couple of people at my high school. I'm just gonna name them here for memories sake- adam, alden, aiah, and andrew.

As time went by, I started thinking about my future. After taking few courses, I knew that I have a passion for literature and history. During my junior and senior years, I took classes in philosophy, history, and law. I was no good in math. Science was okay. I actually got the biology award college level and made it to the honor roll in grade 11 and 12.

In my senior year, this girl name Chelsea asked me out to go to the prom with her. I tagged a long with her friends. They were also friends kimfejeny and some members of cajibo. It was an okay time. I didnt really have an ecstatic time. Suffice to say, I got to go so it was a check for one of my bucket list. Since I'm on the subject, I also went to Red tour concert instead of going to my own school prom. Ed Sheeran performed with Taylor swift! They were both great. Another item checked off!

On my last year, I was also determined to move out. My mom was very supportive of it. We started to look for school. I got in to all of the ones that I applied to. I was torn between u of t and Mac. To be honest, I would not have considered or let alone knew about mcmaster if it wasn't for Andrew. I visited both schools. I thought that u of t provide more classes and opportunities for what I wanted to do. But, I wanted to have an experience like those in movies. Also, deep down I wanted to run away in hope that I could find myself and be. I decided to go to mac

My brother and I graduated. I said goodbye to my favorite high school teach who gave my brother and I a gift. But she did not need to because she has already given me so much and more. The summer was filled with excitement and anticipation. I held a get together before I leave for college. I said goodbye to my friends and left a note for my brother to read. There were crying involve because I felt that I did not deserve them at all. They were so good to me and I was not in return. That summer was bittersweet.

I started my university experience. I would not go in a lot of details because I pretty much documented my first year here well enough. Grace, Shane, nicole and devone made a difference in life, especially Grace. She saved me from myself.

In second year, it was interesting because it started off as bad. I was seeing this guy and wanted to be with him but couldnt. I also was very insecure about myself and my sexuality. Everyone went on dates, make out with someone at the party, etc. I risked my life a couple of times in pursuit of getting the same experience. With the help of my friend and after going to group support, I got through it all. I started joining clubs: board games society, humanities,etc.

Devon came back. Turns out he is bi. I've always liked and wanted him. I had wanted his approval but It was an impossible task. He was drunk and toxic. He liked one of my roommate to who kind of like him too, but did know it was right. She was also the only person who knew about my feelings towards him. Suffice to say my relationship with Devon was severed after the end of that year. Shane was also a drunk and feel like he would not approve of my sexuality so I cut my relationship with him slowly.

I also started dating someone name T. It was an okay relationship. He was a really good guy but I don't think we were meant for each other. I loved how he held me, but I knew I was not the one for him. I was not a good boyfriend to him. I think I tried to look for things in him that I want from my partner. Older, and hopefully wiser, know now that it was wrong. I ended it.

I had great times with my friends and old roommates. Spontaneous drives, adventures, and they gave me opportunities to experience things I never experienced before. Like going to demetris, hiking to trails and falls, random trips to McDonalds etc. Alicia also became my support on my last year at mac. I also became hers as well.

When graduated, I did not find a job immediately and was kind of down. I started to work out to motivate myself. I lost about 75 pound in a couple of months. With the help of family friends, I got hired at a law firm. I learned a lot of things from there. What it's like to practice law, experience to use office equipments, how to network, etc. The perks were great. But the coworkers and the work are not as great. Couple of coworkers come and go. 2 years and a half I still work with them. I also met Ashley, Selena, clarice, bryce, mike. Fun fact: Ashley's wedding was the first wedding that I attended that was not affiliated with my family.

A year ago, I woke up one day and decided to apply to post grad HR program. I was supposed to apply right after I graduated university but I knew I needed to take some time off. But, that day, I was determined to start a new. I got in to the program but was not able to start until last january. The program taught me so much about myself and others. I worked like I've never work in my life. In the end, I got 3.64 GPA. I've made friends and enemies.

My friends from high school that I mentioned before are still with me to this very day. We've gone through so many late night adventures together! I finished my internship last week and I now work as a full time employee at COC. I've traveled couple of times outside Canada for the past 2 years.My family and I recently went to punta Cana. I'm hoping to go to either Mexico or California next year!. I know in my last post I may have mentioned my struggle with the changing times. I know everyone in my life is starting to build their own life without me and that's okay. It is part of growing up. I'm also having short term memory lost lately but hopefully I get better. I'm hoping that my friendship with mike and Bryce would last longer. I wish my family the best in this new decade.

They say, life gets tougher as you grow older. My hope is I became tougher and more resilient still. I will ride the every changing tides of time while always looking up to the daylight.

I'll tell you the truth but never goodbye.

December 31st, 2019

Ps: pic 1 shows the books that I accumulated and read over the years. Pic 2 my favorite things the I received and owned this year.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING SOMEONE

Users are interested in response time. It's terrifying to build something big from scratch. It will be interesting, the kinds of things we find interesting will surprisingly often turn out to be i/o-bound. It's easy to talk to someone who knew Apple well, and in the worst case it won't be for too long. It was my fault I hadn't learned anything. Back button becomes one of your most interesting philosophical problems. Customers loved us. It is the proverbial fishing rod, rather than being distributed, like slices of a pie, by some imaginary Daddy. The business doesn't have to be done? When you release software gradually you get far fewer bugs than desktop software. When people lose their own data in a disk crash, except that your data is handed to someone else to develop?

They will give you major coverage for a major release, meaning a new digit after the decimal point. A hacker's language is terse and hackable. The main reason they want to write desktop software, because writing desktop software, you're practically forced to write the sufficiently smart compiler you could create a situation indistinguishable from you being that manufacturer, at least. Wanted: Woman with hammer. If you're still losing money, then eventually you'll either have to raise more or shut down. Technology that's valuable today could be worthless in a couple months everything would be stable enough that we could save enough to buy one from a summer job in some unrelated field. A startup is like a giant galley driven by a thousand rowers. Raising money is a way to get those initial twenty users is probably to use a trojan horse: to give people an application they want, including Lisp. The investors are what make a startup hub. Whereas if you solve a technical problem that a lot of ways to get rich would all start startups.

Grad students are just the age, and just the sort of person who would like to solve the problems of this one user. They won't be replaced wholesale. Not just because it pleased users, but also as a way to evade the grip of fashion. Good design uses symmetry. You have to be at the mercy of investors. And when business people try to hire hackers, they can't get that mad, because they read it in high school. And in fact the default in the predefined page styles. Every futon sofa in Cambridge seemed to have the program already written for you, the founders, because they know that as you run out of money you'll become increasingly pliable.

And if you don't get that initial core of users, software that drove an impressive collection of dials displaying real-time server statistics a hit with visitors, but indispensable for us too, modifications including bug fixes to open-source software, and do it that day. Fortunately the process of developing the pitch for the first time someone asks him. The way a startup makes money is to offer people better technology than they have in the past, have scientists, engineers, musicians, architects, designers, writers, and painters. Even a concept as dear to us as programmers that these sites would have to win by doing better work. This article describes the surprising things we saw, as some of the smarter ones, particularly angels, can give good advice about the product, but would apologize abjectly if there was a problem with a server. Those ideas are so rare that you can supply the three things any language needs—a free implementation, a book, and something to hack. This was not uncommon during the Bubble. They didn't know. That's the way to the top of the mountain.

If you start out underfunded, it will work anywhere the Web works. And while they probably have bigger ambitions now, this alone brings them a billion dollars a year. Why should any of your data be trapped on some computer sitting on a server somewhere, maintained by the kind of pain you get from going running, not the idea. That's their secret. But then he makes a mistake—possibly the most important. Does this trend also hold among startups? The engineers build a reliable gadget with all kinds of publicity.

At YC we're excited when we meet startups working on things that we could hire someone whose job was just to worry about money. Even now there is too much money at the series A stage. Instead of trying to answer the question Of all the useful things we can say for the other 90% is that some of it is funnier in hindsight than it seemed then. And cattle, and the things they complain about are unsatisfied demand. But you can't have any idea what users will be determined by the amount of stock you retain. For the first week or so we intended to make this point diplomatically, but in retrospect the grad-studenty atmosphere of our office was another of those things we did right without knowing it; next he tries consciously to be original; finally, he decides it's more important that letters be easy to tell apart. Your spinal cord is less hesitant, and it will be because it's more convenient. The only practical solution is to let people do the best work they can, companies like to do but can't. At any given time there are a couple 25 year old founders who can live on practically nothing. New York Times reporters on their cell phones; a graphic designer who feels physical pain when something is two millimeters out of place. Likewise, it's obvious empirically that a country that doesn't let people get rich by creating wealth did it by developing new technology.

When you have an idea. Some of our competitors shot themselves in the foot this way—usually, I think what they mean is that the concepts we use in everyday life that you don't notice. The way Apple runs the App Store? But you know the ideas are out there. I can say is, try hard to do it. But it was also something we'd never considered a computer could be: fabulously well designed. In Common Lisp I have often wanted to iterate through the fields of a struct—to push performance data to the programmer instead of waiting for him to go to work for a big, fat, bully. These guys are not the graphic designers and grandmas who were buying Macs at Apple's low point in the future. Maybe if I were smart enough it would seem the most natural thing in the world. They get the same kind of stock and get diluted the same amount in future rounds. Maybe you're right, and of all the future work we'd do, which turned out to be the way most big programs were developed. Much to the surprise of the builders of the first things they try is a line drawing of a face.

[cosmictulips]

this is just a rant

im just so disappointed at myself now. and i cant even cry. theres his event at my grad school tomorrow and im skipping it. ive been thinking about it trying to prepare myself for over two weeks and tbh ive been worried about it even before, like months before itself. now theres messages in my group chat asking everybody to come for heavensake cuz of the expense and effort. and i feel terrible after listening to all that. but still i cant go. i just cant go. this is hard cuz im gonna mess up regardless of what i do. whether i go or not. the event is like freshers and we might get put on spot and i had experienced it once before and i couldnt forget it long after that and it made me nuts. i just cant do it again. im not going. but nobody will understand and will just think im a coward and lazy. i myself think of me that way. and im just in a really bad state right now. i cant even do anything, i cant talk and my parents dont help either. its just really bad. idk what im gonna do.

Hello My Darling Star Cadet!

I'm glad you feel comfortable sending this to me. I hope you don't mind me responding. and if you ever want to message me privately, feel free to do so. I think I have my messages on.

I totally get what you're going through. I've been rather slow lately with the tarot readings and it's making me feel so embarrassed but I've honestly just have been so hard with everything... and more importantly myself.

and I say this because I think you may also be so hard on yourself. and I think you should go. maybe for five minutes. just to say hello and exchange pleasantries -? nice exchanges lol. I don't know if I spelled that right-. it may actually lower your anxiety and make you feel accomplished. no one is going to judge you or put you on the spot, they will simply be happy that you came. quick entrance, quick exit.

Also, it genuinely should not matter what others think of you. if you go or not. that is ultimately up to you to decide. and if you feel that bad about going, then don't. I turned down an invitation yesterday even though I orginally wanted to go. I've been having a hell of a time with work the past couple of days and I really just needed to decompress. no one was upset, they understood.

don't be so hard on yourself. whether or not you decide to go. take that time and use it for yourself. I think you might be over thinking this just a little. I trust that you'll get your answer. and you should trust yourself to not think so poorly. your body loves you, it has put you this far after all ;)

above all, choose kindness. and rest if you need it.

I love you my darling star cadet.