#and the thing is. its not like emma doesnt have CAUSE to be angry with rebecca. its more that she can never allow HERSELF to admit that

[fellhellion]

emma got so much more compelling for me once i kind of just took the traits i gave her to their logical conclusion. what kind of a person can be deeply empathetic but also must always choose anger for like. fifteen years? someone who hasnt been to therapy <3

[heyitsyn]

RANDOM SEIJOH HCs ACCORDING TO GIGI

a/n: this is a thing i cooked up between doing trig exam and ap gov review akdsjfldskfj

IM PRETTY SURE I ALREADY USED THIS GIF BUT IM WANTING TO RE-DO MY ENTIRE PAGE AND MAKING BANNERS SO THIS IS A TEMPORARY THING AJDJDJJD ALSO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THE KEEP READING THING ON THE APP BYE

oikawa def listens to indie music just bc he wants to feel unique and the 'iM diFfErENt fRoM oTHeR gUrLs' vibes

i FIRMLY BELIEVE IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CHOMPS ON HIS ICE CREAM BC HE LIKES TO FEEL THE COLD ON HIS TEETH AKSJSKSKSK

meanwhile kunimi eats a kitkat like its pizza just CHOMP

makki caNNOT sleep without a pillow between his thighs LIKE LISTEN he has 2 sisters and they all told him its so comfortable and at first he was like,, ??,, then he tried and now cant sleep without it

bUT MATTSUN LIKES TO SLEEP WITH PILLOWS SURROUNDING HIM bc it makes him feel safe and like there are two body pillows on either side of him and hes kinda trapped in the middle aksjskdk

when kyo was younger, he was really short and although he had other pants, he loved this one pair but they were really long on him and he wore it all the time and the part of the pants that touched the ground is torn in shreds

kindaichi steps on the sofa before sitting LIKE puts one foot on the cushion then the other until hes literally standing on the couch before folding to sit with his knees up to his chest (i do this)

watari sniffs his food before eating it no matter if its something he eats all the time or something new, he still sniffs it either way

yahaba is really particular with his feet and he likes to get a really big tupperware (duh one only meant for his feet) and fill it up with warm almost boiling water and he just soaks them

oikawa has sleep paralysis and he oftens hallucinates about aliens in the corner of his room

kunimi does this thing where he makes weird noises with his mouth like sounds of his mouth opening LIKE when youre tastinf something new and you do that sound with your tongue (I DUNNO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT AJDKSKKD)

makki bends his knees just to crack his ankles

iwa sneezes a ton but he has those sneezes where theyre quiet that you dont even notice or really loudly that it just echoes throughout the gym

kyo sleeps with one sock on bc his feet gets cold easily but both socks make him feel really hot so only one sock is perfect

for a tall and hunk of a guy, mattsun is a very light walker like his footsteps are very light and if he wants to, it can be practically silent

watari actually hates vegetables ajssksksk he particularly hates zucchini, eggplants, any vegetables that are that shape

kindaichi likes to stick or lean against walls because to him, they feel cold and can decrease his body heat

oikawa stands and places his feet at V position like \/ instead of ll because his sister did ballet and he was taught that was the right way of standing and it was considered graceful

yahaba has a fear of cactuses

mattsun does so badly in the heat because his body temp runs so high and the hot surroundings make him feel so uncomfortable and so he takes a lot of cold showers

iwa cannot swim like he freaks out immediately when his toetips can no longer feel the bottom and he panics with thoughts of drowning

watari has really small feet that he still buys big kids shoes to save money

kyotani considered playing baseball because he thought baseball bats were cool but he got angry and threw tantrum after missing his first pitch

iwa chomps on a whole raw chili while eating ramen akskksks

oikawa actually hates sweets bc when he was younger, he had cavities and iwa showed him a cartoon of cavities eating his teeth and will make him toothless

kindaichi really really likes hugs but hes too awkward to ask them even from his parents

yahaba chomps on mints so he goes through boxes of them in a week

i feel like theres a boy in the team who doesnt brush their teeth everyday and rubs a towel on their teeth to make it look clean and take mints to hide their bad breath

iwaizumi is actually iron deficient so he bruises super super fast and he even developed iron defiency anemia when he was younger bc his parents didnt catch on which caused him to be put on strong medication for months and still takes it now

WAIT,, OIKAWA IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT BUT HE LIKES MILK SO HE EATS MILK BREAD TO MAKE HIM FEEL NOT SO BAD OR GUILTY OF CONSUMING STRAIGHT DAIRY

seijoh four bonding time is watching gordom ramsey shows and yelling and screaming 'YEA! EXACTLY!' as if theyre also cooking genuises

watari used to eat grapes all the time until his mom got worried and told him if he doesnt stop, he will eventually turn into one. he only eats it every few weeks

when he was younger, kunimi cried because he had befriended a chicken on a trip to a farm and his mom took him to eat fried chicken after and he thought it was Chicky (his chicken friend :"))

kyotani used to stick out his tongue when it was raining so he could taste the raindrops. they taste better than bottled water

one time, during a seijoh sleepover, they dared oikawa to wear his sisters old uniform, skirt and all, and it backfired so everyone turned red and couldnt look at him in the face

their pregame ritual is touching each other's shoe tips

they tried doing yoga at yahaba's house before by watching yoga youtube videos but everyone ended up having to go to the chiropractor after (how did makki even turn into the human pretzel?)

the local gym gets so scared when they see the team coming through the doors bc these men are so LOUD like they HYPE EACH OTHER UP SO MUCH THEYRE SO ANNOYING AKSKSKDK

also never take them to an all you can eat sushi place. if you do, bring them earlier of the day like 30 mins after opening time so the cooks can cook enough for them without running out of ingredients (even then sometimes they still run out)

oikawa used to eat his mom's roses from her garden because he thought it would make his farts smell good like roses

takahiro is a surprisingly good artist like he draws really cool action fighting scenes in the corner of his papers and stuff

in my work: it's canon that iwa is half filo and his nanay used to dress him up in a barong all the time during halloween bc she wanted him to showcase his heritage

yahaba drinks a lot of milk because he hopes to one day grow strong and bulky like the 3rd years instead of being seen as a pretty boy

kindaichi's mom is a hairstylist and she always scolds him for using a lot of gel bc she's always the one who washes his hair

makki never learned how to do taxes and hes had the government knocking on his door a handful of times (BOKUTO AKKDJSKKS)

kyo has a dog: a chiweenie

there's someone on the team who wears those socks with individual pockets for toes

their pinterest is so different from what they look like for example, mattsun has a board of different flower decorations and arrangements

kunimi throws up during intense horror movies

watari's celeb crush is emma watson

the team alternates from different music genres like from ateez and bts to mxmtoon and beach bunny

they still dont know how to pronounce camila cabello's name

theyre all active in social media but only oikawa is on it 24/7 and in all platforms while the others have insta and snap

mattsun has twins as little siblings and he used to get them mixed up all the time that he used to draw a sharpie dot on the girl's forehead to determine she was his sister

watari hates sitting on the floor bc his butt bone hurts really easily so he can only sit on cushions for long periods of time

the team was supposed to have a party but everyone didnt know what to bring so they proved they shared the same braincell by bringing the same thing: a box of pizza

makki's an old soul and prefers to play records on a record player or watch old movies

kyo is surprisingly good at giving massages because he really pushed hard on those tense muscles

kindaichi knows how to crack necks so everyone goes to him a lot to do it (a friend of mine does this and can i say its terrifying yet so good?)

the only one who has a license is matsukawa and thats because granny needs to go to the doctor a lot and he hates her walking by herself and cabs are expensive

kyotani and yahaba are actually,,, lowkey close,,, not like best friends but theyre nice to each other and they got a stick and poke together (yahaba's was: :) while kyo's was: >:))

watari has a collection of mangas (some bl maybe 👀)

WARNING SAD: mattsun’s future job is a funeral person right? he ends up taking care of granny’s funeral free of charge and he had to take a week off because it was really painful for him

oikawa learned spanish SUPER fast to the point he forgets japanese sometimes but there are moments where he forgets both languages and hes just,,,, ???

makki’s unemployed yea but he rooms with mattsun in exchange of cooking because makki’s surprisingly good at cooking

iwa is practically the nutritionist of the team because he knows everything about proteins, carbs, iron, and needed vitamins so they all go to him to know what to eat and what they need

kunimi has lots and lots of shoes but usually only wears 2

kindaichi has a habit of pretending hes chewing gum even though he doesnt have gum, his mouth just chomps and moves with air akasldfjkf

there was a clown phenomenon in america but in their city, they had a mascots and seijoh 4 went around scaring kids :”(

oikawa never manspreads he gets too insecure to spread out like that akdjfkd

kyotani can easily sleep anywhere like he would be standing and just fall asleep or he sleeps with his eyes open

yahaba’s parents own a restaurant somewhere in the city and he works there sometimes

IM REALLY GOING TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS YALL AKSDJFKL

SORRY IM WRITING TOO MUCH I FEEL BAD THAT I HAVENT UPDATED BUT IM IN A CAR RIDE RN AND I WAS ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN AND MY EXAMS HAVE FINISHED THIS WEEK IMMA CRY

PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH ANY OTHER HCS YOU GUYS KNOW OF SO I CAN PUT IT IN HERE AND CREDIT YOU WITH IT SO WE CAN HAVE LIKE A HCS BOOK FROM EVERYONE BUT THIS IS WHAT I STARTED WITH

oikawa screams a lot according to gigi but he’s actually a really quiet guy and not easy to scare

OKAY YOU GUYS DONT KILL ME I SWEAR IVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE AT WRITING BUT YOU KNOW WHO TURNED ONE TODAY? THIS PAGE!!! MY BABY IS ONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 ANYWAYS, HOPE THIS CAN MAKE YOU GUYS SMILE TODAY AND SCHOOL ENDS NEXT WEEK AND IM ALREADY AT 132 DRAFTS AMSJKSDKSK SO OH MY GOD THERES GOING TO BE SO MUCH COMING AND IM SO EXCITED TO GET THEM OUT 😩😩

[nessschurch]

Booth/Brennan!

ok im ready to tackle part two lmao. thank you for the ask btw Savvy!!<3 . You can see part one here though if you want more b&b songs :)

1. It's Different Now by Pentatonix - Me back at it again w/ another Pentatonix song for b&b. This one is from Brens perspective though and oooft the feels it elicits in me :'( I think this can fit from the 100th but i especially like it around the Blackout in the Blizzard ep, bc at that point Bren knows how she feels and she owns it and she's hoping that Booth will stop being a cranky little bish and apologise for the emotional roller-coaster he put her through being so angry at everything bc she feels he's the one that knows her best.

"You understand my hesitation Why I get quiet sometimes All the ways I've been conditioned What I think is real, you redesign It's how you catch me every time

I rewind our conversations Listen between every line To relieve my superstition I only reveal, it's only a sign That it all adds up this time

I've been holding my hopes waist-high so they don't tumble down And keep me yesterday-bound I've been holding my breath 'cause I don't wanna be let down But wе're too far for that now So I'm saying it out loud It's different now

I don't need special attention Just as long as you are mine Then there's no reason to mention What came before, the who or the why 'Cause it all adds up this time"

but yeah. To me its another really good fit and i spent a lot of time obsessively thinking about b&b whilst commuting and listening to music if ya couldnt already tell lmao

2. Run by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran - Honestly there are so many TS and ES songs that fit b&b that it could be its own playlist on its own. I however extra like this one for when Bren goes on the run bc of Pelant and its even better if you imagine Booth running away with her (like he did in a ff i read lmao)

"There's a chain 'round your throat, piece of paper where I wrote "I'll wait for you" There's a key on the chain, there's a picture in a frame Take it with you

And run, like you'd run from the law Darling, let's run Run from it all We can go where our eyes can take us Go where no one else is, run

So you laugh like a child And I'll sing like no one cares No one to be, no one to tell

I could see this view a hundred times Pale blue sky reflected in your eyes So give me a reason and don't say no, no And the note from the locket, you keep it in your pocket Since I gave it to you There's a heart on your sleeve I'll take it when I leave And hold it for you"

In my head its mainly sung from Booths perspective to Bren, esp the "I could see this view a hundred times Pale blue sky reflected in your eyes" and just yeah, to me its more a cute-sy happy one.

3. Magnetised by Emma Blackery - HOLY SHIT !! The way this entire song fits the whole Hannah/Bren/Booth thing they had going on omg. But yeah, it would be mainly from Brens perspective. It doesnt make me sad per se, just fits so well.

"I got out of the way To break your hold on me But we still talk every day Don’t we?

And now it’s giving me pain But we must be sadistic Because you feel the same For me

But I’m too weak to be cold And the story’s getting old I get too drunk and bear my soul And although I’m feeling stressed I can’t imagine the mess that’s going on Inside your head

Because you love me And you love her too What’s a boy to do?

And she’s what you think you need She’s sensible and funny But you’d be so happy With me

But I won’t steal you away I’m done with being a snake You’ve gotta figure it out Your own way"

i feel like i couldve included the whole dang song, but i managed to hold back a little XD but yeah, try and tell me it doesnt fit perfectly lmao.

4. Anchor by Pentatonix - (Another Pentatonix one wowza. They just have a bunch of songs on this album that fit so well so imma just roll with it) I like this song from Booth's perspective as he can feel Bren distancing herself after the 100th ep. Better if you use a little extra when you think about it. He wants to give her his all but cant see that she needs just a little time and that clouds his clear thinking.

"If you're gonna go, then give a warning I don't wanna be the rock that holds you down

This ship has run aground And I'll be an anchor for you, But you're always cutting me loose

I'll be your night watch Your lighthouse, your North Star Your red sky, your harbour Your ocean, your shipyard But you want to sail With the night wind exploring So how can I love you If safe waters bore you

You're out there looking for the answers I'm here just tryna be your anchor But I will never try to hold you down"

Yes i get a lil emo to this one, plus the song itself is quite a bop.

5. Let it be Me by Rosie Thomas - I figured we'd end on a happier less angsty one bc you need some uplifting stuff sometimes lmao. I like to imagine this as the song for their first dance bc who doesnt love some mad fluff? Also it would be followed by them singing this song to both their kids as a lullaby bc heck thats cute. I feel like if you alternate the verses Bren, then Booth it works extra well, you can even have the whole thing from Booths perspective bc he is the canonically mushier one.

"I'm blessed the day I found you I want to stay around you And so I beg you Let it be me

Don't take this heaven from one If you must cling to someone Now and forever Let it be me

Cause each time we meet, love I find complete love Without your sweet love What would life be?

So never leave me lonely Tell you love me only Now and forever Let it be me"

but yeah.. i wanna one day make a masterpost with maybe my top 20/30 b&b songs and explanations like this bc i just have so many haha

Hope you enjoyed this long, long post and honestly it was hard to figure out my top 10 b&b songs bc there are so many i had to leave out :'( i also decided to leave out all the soundtrack songs bc otherwise we'd literally be here forever lmao)

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

oh nothing in a book has ever made me as angry as fucking pissed off as i am now about the end of chain of iron and i have a lot to say on it (i have more to say on the last few chapters of chain of iron than i did on the entirety of the folk of the air series)

ill start with being glad lucie was able to raise jesse but definite reylo vibes there and im ignoring the end of that so watch me ignore if lucie dies ill be like yea ya know shes just,,, somewhere else but i hated how many secrets she kept from fucking everyone i mean she didnt tell a single person the whole truth of anything shes got secrets on top of secrets and thats not good but hey matthews drinking isnt good either and no one but the lucie and cordelia ever really say anything about that so theres that and im not counting james’ you dont love anyone as much as you love that bottle or w/e he said bc that wasnt talking to him to try to help and get him to stop drinking that was just a hit bc they were fighting and i hate that i hate that they were fighting bc they wouldnt have been if it wasnt for that fucking bracelet and which has caused so many fucking problems that i could cry in indignation bc its not its not fucking fair james spent the last what three years of his life in a fog not being able to feel and not being able to notice his parabatai slowly spiraling into a drunken depression from something thats not his fault at all i mean yes it is his fault that his mother took the potion but it is not his fault that the baby died thats no ones fault but whoever sold him the potion and yea he shouldnt have bought it in the first place but he was kid and he thought that was the only way he could get the truth and its unfair its fucking unfair and alistair god alistair he knows what he did in school was wrong but he saw it as the only way and now hes trying to make up for it and apologise and be a better fucking person and thomas sees that and thomas loves him for that and alistair wont let himself be loved and its not fair and anna oh anna talk about not letting yourself be loved she put on such a good front she did but she shouldnt have ariadne loves her and wants to be with her fully with her but anna has to understand the stigma of that and why ariadne cant come out yet hell thats still a problem today but we wont get into that because anna clearly loves ariadne but shes too afraid of getting hurt again and frankly she should just go for it i mean so what if you get hurt again at least youll finally feel something because i know she feels nothing for all those other girls i know theyre just replacements for ariadne and it isnt fair and speaking    of   replacements    fucking grace fuck grace but fucking grace just casually destroying james life listen i dont give a shit how she grew up i couldnt care less about how tatiana treated her and how scared she was of her because if shed just fucking helped then she wouldnt have to worry about a damn thing from tatiana i mean theres a number of things grace couldve done she couldve told the merry thieves everything and they couldve defeated belial like they are now and then no one would be around to help tatiana and grace couldve told anyone in the clave about all of tatianas shit and then they wouldnt have underestimated her and she wouldve been in a proper prison and thus unable to escape so damn easily and thus not fucking able to get to grace okay shes a fucking idiot and i hate her and i hate reading about her and im fucking disappointed in her for not taking the damn bracelet off okay i had very fucking low standards for her but i hoped she would take the bracelet off and at the very least i thought she could fucking not manipulate him further like god damn girl james is a much nicer and understanding person than i am and he would try to protect her from tatiana if he knew that grace was being threatened by her if grace took the bracelet off and told him the truth he would help her i fully believe that but since he had to find out on his own he was furious as he should be but i dont think he had to be nice to her when she showed up at the end there i mean i wouldve just yanked her in the house and started yelling at her right there fuck pretending his still under that enchantment fuck talking to her in private okay id chew her out in the entryway its not like cordelia doesnt need to know she fucking does and i think her finding out by overhearing james arguing with grace is actually a fantastic way to find out because she gets to hear everything all of what james feels and all of what grace did completely unfiltered not that james would try to hide it from her but hed definitely try to soften the blow and i just think she needs to hear the whole truth and AND i really fucking hate when characters overhear only part of something and assume the worst and run away its so common and i hate it so much and i hate how she ran to matthews because i knew it was going to happen and i knew matthew was in love with her and that it was already straining their bond because no one fucking realised that james was madly fucking in love with cordelia because of that fucking bracelet have i mentioned have i mentioned how much that bracelet pisses me off i dont think i have lets get into it so how james was unable to feel properly for three years and how his head was so foggy he was unable to think properly too and how because of that he missed matthew becoming a drunk and how the merry thieves look to james as their leader so if james isnt saying anything about it then there must not be anything to say and how james was already in love with cordelia before the bracelet and thats part of why grace couldnt control him and how he loved her for years how he was in love with her for years how no one knew this not even him because everyone thought he was in love with grace how cordelia was in love with him but thought he was in love with grace how cordelia got married to him knowing she was in love with him and thinking he was in love with someone else how she could tell he wanted her but thinking he just wanted her body and that he was still in love with grace how she’d rather have some of him than none of him at all how he picked out everything in their house with cordelia in mind how he remembered that she loves chess and she never thought he would how he learned a whole other language for her how he immediately checks on her after every battle how everyone, especially cordelia, just writes all this off as who knows what because he cant be in love with cordelia if hes in love with grace and hes obviously in love with grace how no one could ever notice there was something wrong because they were feeling the effects too how james was so in love with cordelia that that love unintentionally broke an enchantment made specifically for james by a Prince Of Hell one of the most powerful beings the entire species will ever meet and i think that covers the gracelet situation but i keep thinking of the scene where the bracelet cracks when grace first went to curzon street and kissed james and james’ mind literally thinking it was cordelia because who else would he be kissing and afterward grace saying ‘i dont know who you think you were kissing, james herondale, but it wasnt me’ and im like damn right bitch get fucked but back to cordelia running to matthews okay i know she didnt know matthew was in love with her so she wasnt doing anything wrong going to him but i kept thinking they were going to kiss or something because we all know matthews in love with her and there were a bunch of hints that cordelia might be attracted to matthew and she was upset about james and i just kept thinking something bad would happen and i was right but shit i didnt think id be like that i had no idea matthew was leaving for paris and even less of an idea that cordelia would join him and the thing is i cant even be mad i cant blame her i would probably do the same thing hell id probably ask to go with and im very proud of her for saying she’d go If matthew stops drinking i really appreicate that and i hope he gets better but the all those misses how james left the house only minutes after cordelia and arrived at matthews only minutes after they left and how he could see them at the train station could see them getting on the train and leaving and leaving him behind because his sister is missing and he shouldve ran and caught them and begged them to stay if not just to help find lucie because they both think of lucie as a sister and they absolutely wouldve stayed to help her and then there would be the chance for james to explain the gracelet situation and everything would be fine it would fine eventually and everything would be okay but NO and ive said a lot but i havent even mentioned cordelia being a paladin for fucking lilith yet where did that come from i was not expecting that ill tell ya see i thought it was odd that wayland the smith would still be alive and that it wasnt mentioned in any of the other books and i thought it was odd that some apparently god-like blacksmith would be wearing such an elegant jeweled necklace and i thought it was odd that magnus would be back from the spiral labyrinth for just a day and would be staying with hypatia instead of ya know his own place but shit id never have put it together as one person let alone lilith and i cant say it came out of nowhere because it said that edom used to be liliths so it would make sense that she would want belial gone so she could have it back but still that was unexpected but im not disappointed i mean im obviously upset that cordelia is now pledged to the mother of demons and feels like she cant even touch a weapon speaking of which what did she do with cortana where did she put it she said she dealt with it which makes me nervous but we know she couldnt have broken it or anything a) because i dont think she physically can and b) emma has cortana later but i think cordelia should keep cortana close since its the only thing that can mortally would belial and apparently he only needs one more before something happens im guessing before hes like gone gone so she definitely needs cortana and lilith wants her to kill belial so i think she should and if shes stuck as liliths paladin after that and never wants to touch a weapon again so be it but get rid of belial first ya know anyway i think there was something else i wanted to say but i cant remember so if you read all of this holy shit im sorry thats a lot i hope it was entertaining at least and i hope i didnt also get you pissed off

[itstommyfuckingshelbysir]

where it all began

*part four*

you just lay in tommys arms for while.

“shit tommy im sorry i shouldnt have said anything” you jumped up awkwardly, “lets just forget about it ok its stupid” you began to walk away , tommy grabbed your arm, he just looked you in the eyes a nodded. 

Curly approached and tommy let go, “curly we will be back to check on the black mare and get that stable ready for that new one” tommy ordered. “new one, theres a new horse coming” you smiled, “if all goes well with this meeting today then yes there will be”, “tommy can i come and check the horse out sorry i shouldnt have asked” you hummed worried you had over stepped your mark, “its a business dealing ye so do as your told and only that right”. “yes sure as you wish” you smiled.

Few hours later you were sitting in tommys car waiting for tommy to round the boys up.

“ali what are you doing in tommys car” micheal looking confused, “dont look so confused my dear michael im coming with” you smiled, “with the boys to the meeting but why these meetings can be dangerous ali”, “oh relax ill be fine it will give us time to catch up” you smiled, “ali im serious” clenching his jaw , “ive no doubt you that you are” we smiled “come on” ....

.before you could finish you saw the boys heading towards the car.

“tommy why is ali coming” michael spat. “for the horse michael thats all” “for the horse sure” arthur said amused with himself, “i heard he is arranging a marriage to one of the lee boys for you” john laughed. “the big bald fella with the four kids arthur joined he as four kids so least you know he can perform” arthur spat. michael looked more worried then you did “tommy there joking right” michael laughed. no not atal its the only way i could get the horse she be well looked after michael dont be worried, tommy said serious. 

michael looking at you. “i always wanted kids you joined do love a bald man”you laughed. “its a joke michael before you have a heart attack” you laughed, “it is a joke tommy”you looked at him , “of course what kind of a man do you think i am” he hummed “you had no problem marrying me off” john smiled was only trying to get rid of you arthur laughed. 

we pulled up to a huge camp site horses and caravans were everywhere , the smell of the countryside sparked something inside you.

“theres your husband ali” john laughed pointing to a bald fat man.

oh yum you laughed.

“enough boys time for business” tommys face changed. 

“ali you stay in the car till your told otherwise ok”? you just nodded.

A small man came towards the car “ah boys” he began you couldnt hear alot you just watched there moves and made up your own story.

they spoke for what felt like forever until tommy turned towards the car a used his finger to signal you to come over.

you didnt know why but you felt nervous but you would be damned if you showed it to anyone.

you stopped beside michael and smiled at tommy.

“whats a women know about horses” the man spat at tommy, “alot more than you would think now lets get on with it” tommy spat back, a beautiful grey horse came around from behind the van, shes a beauty tommy” the man smiled. “ill decide that myself” tommy smiled, ali your up tommy hummed.

“hey girl easy” you hummed, you started at the hoofs and checked every inch of that horse from tail to mane leaving notting unseen, “she is in good condition , teeth look good” , “hoofs need some oil and new shoes there fairly old other than that notting some attention wont fix” you smiled, “michael give me a leg up you ordered “you jumped on the horse ,”easy girl “ you did what you needed, your legs hit the ground.. “nice strong horse” you hummed,”up to you” tommy you smiled , you shook the lee mans hand “its ailson robertson by the way ill be in the car boys”you winked walking away. you heard the boys smirk as you left.

you could still see the boys discussion with the lee family , you could see tommy getting angry and the boys all started to step towards the other boys right in front of you a fight broke out blood and screams came from everywhere,  shit you hid down on the back sit the boys stopped, the main lee brother and tommy came close to each other something was said and the boys came towards the car.

“what the hell was that about jesus” you spat, no one spoke at all.

after a long quiet drive home the boys walked into the shelby home.

“what the fuck happened tommy”?polly looking cross, “just a disagreement is all” “are you trying to start a fucking war tommy eh cause thats whats gonna happen if you keep doing this you know that”polly spat sit down all of you, “GIRLS”polly shouted lets get this idiots cleaned up, you ok michael you smiled , “lovely thanks” he giggled, “its gonna hurt”you said wiping his face, “ugh” he tensed, 

after everyone looked good again, 

“i have to go back to the office”, “ill come too michael ive things to finsh” you sang.

the walk to the office was just like the old days you and michael linked laughing about something that wasnt funny but to you both it was and thats what mattered.

“who knew this is where we would end up” you laughed pushing the door into the office, “hey michael did you know my best friend is a gangster now” you mocked , “the biggest and baddest “he spat back you grabbed his cheeks “ oh darling with this face it wont work your too cute “you laughed walking to your desk, “im hurt” he laughed. 

“im bored michael lets doing something tonight” you smiled sitting on his desk, “what do you have in mind ali?” “anything even just the garrson” you laughed, Just the garrsion im offended thats home he smiled, “well can we” you poked him playfully  “of course anything you want my love” he laughed he began tickling you like the too big kids you are “stop” you sang laughing so hard “stop”.. 

“do you too want piracy” tommy spat his eyes were dark walking into his office, once he closed his door you both started laughing like to bold children.

alison tommy sang out, “here we go” you smiled at michael, “yes sir “you closed the door sitting down, “this is a place of work so no more of that” he spat , “tommy we were only having a laugh ok no one was here”, “not the point” he looked angry clenching his jaw, “ok sorry ill be on my best behavior sir you spat is that all” you looked at him with attitude , “your not kids anymore alison”, “id rather be like a kid instead of a boring old man who doesnt know how to have fun now that will be all im off home ive to get ready for tonight” you spat , “tonight?” “michael and i are going out to have fun i would invite you but i guess fun not your thing” you smiled and walked away.

“hey poll” you smiled, “ill make you tea”she smiled.

“how are you finding life here ali?”, “its different from the country thats for sure but i like the feeling of family here ive never been apart of such a big home before” you smiled, “what was your family like “poll asked smiling , you hesitated “eh we had a small house with alot of stables my father trained racehorses before he found love for the drink and my mother wasnt much better” you smiled “michaels family was more my family”you said.

what was michaels family like his childhood she looked upset,

“his mother was called angie she was such a lovely person always happy , thought him everything and made him the gentleman he is and his father wasnt around much he worked but he was a quiet man when he was around”,you smiled. 

“you know he always talked about you poll we used to guess who you were you”said smiling, “for awhile there we thought you were a superhero” then there was a maid and then we guessed the teacher miss emma but your much better than we could have guessed “you smiled , a tear fell from her eye “god i missed him so much” , “your making up for it now he loves you and all the shelbys” you hugged her. “im so glad he had you ali to look after him you know that” poll said, “im the lucky one poll i wouldnt have made it here if it wasnt for him” you smiled

*the kitchen door opened*

jesus speak of the devil and he shall appear you laughed. lord what have i done michael laughed,” i was just telling storys on you that all” you giggled ,” dont believe her mother shes a liar” he hummed shut up you punching him in the arm, “where did you disappear to” michael asked, “had a agrument with tommy needed time to cool down also i need to get ready for tonight” you smiled.

“that man will never learn” poll laughed “he needs a good women like you to keep him on your feet “she said, oh lord id kill him you spat , “poll what was tommy like before the war ? “you hummed , “he was peaceful , always smilling and softer” , “he is still there just takes time to find him she smiled a good few wiskeys “she laughed” that will do the trick “she smiled. “enough taking you get ready “michael pushed you out the door “you know how long it takes you “he laughed.

*after a while you were ready* 

“ali will you come on the boys are waiting “michael shouted “im coming will yeah calm down “you spat walking down the stairs.

.you wore the most beautiful red dress which looked perfect on your pale skin and hugged you body like a glove and you blonde hair hung in long curls , the red made your bright green eyes shine. 

none of the boys spoke , you could feel tommys eyes watching your every move.

“well are we going “ you smiled, “you now were only going to the garrison right” michael mocked “shut up you never know my future man could be there tonight” you laughed” lets go”. 

you and michael walked ahead of the boys linked and laughing as always, you didnt realise that when you walked into the garrsion the whole pub went quiet,“whats everyone starring at “ you asked michael, “you” he smiled.

*after a few hours*

you, ada and polly where dancing on a table laughing about everything , more drink arthur shouted ,”thank you arthur your a dear” you kissed his cheek, you had felt tommy’s eyes following you all night , you sat down beside tommy crossing your legs so your legs would be on show, you not dance tommy you laughed not drunk enough he hummed, “you look beautiful tonight ali” he whispered in your ear the feeling off tommys breath againt your ear made you jump.

“your not bad yourself mr shelby” you giggled, “can i have this dance” a strange man asked from behind “of course mr shelby if thats ok” he smiled , tommy clenched his jaw and nodded “its up to the lady” , “well no other man will dance so why not “ you smiled,

 as the night went on the room started to spin, “i need to sit down “you moved away from the man he grabbed you arm “cant dance with me all teasing me all night and just leave it” pulled you close , “no thank you i was dancing thats all now get off me” you shoved him back and he came towards you and without thinking you punched him” i said no now fuck off “you spat , you felt arms grab your waist it was tommy “everything ok” you said looking at the man “now get out “he spat 

“you can keep the whore” the man spat back tommys jaw clenched together and you stood infront of him “tommy please just leave it dance with me” you said smiling puttng your head on his chest , 

“your not a whore ali your much more than that “he smiled “your my assistant” he laughed amused with himself did i just see Mr thomas shelby laugh its a miracle you smiled. 

the walk home was werid you linked tommy laughing with him and michael was attached to some other girl.

“goodnight michael enjoy you laughed to yourself wear protection” you shouted, “night beautiful“ he sang back, “you and michael have always been this close” tommy asked pourin himself another drink, “always and i hope we always will be i wouldnt be here without him” you smiled.

im glad you found him tommy., maybe a bit selfish because im glad i got away with him you smiled, it makes poll happy thats all ive ever wanted he smiled, i better go to bed my boss wont like me late tomorrow you laughed , me too he followed you up goodnight tommy you smiled kissing his cheek.

Took you awhile to get into your night clothes the room was spinning to much you fell over laughing and there was a knock on your door.

“come in” you said not able to get off the bed, “you ok i heard a bang” tommy smiled , “im fine just feel over room moving to fast” you laughed , here let me help you into bed he pulled you up the bed, “thank you tommy” you smiled” i dont drink often” you giggled “i see that” he smiled, 

you could see him staring at your scars just under your hips, “stop dont look at them” you covered them feeling embrassed , “how did you get them ali” he looked angry , “there from my childhood” you sang “my wonderful father and his riding whip” you looked away “anytime i would say no” you said. “fuck ali your save now noone will ever touch you again you hear now go to sleep” , he stood up placing a kiss on your forehead “goodnight beautiful” , your snores filled the room.

i love this part so much im not an actual writer but i do my best i would love feedback so please do give me some i hope you all enjoy my storys half as much as i do xx 

[coalitiongirl]

ive been watching your scenes to rewatch and ive been crying at literally all of them. out of curoisity, what are your favourite ouat scenes? either sq or general? also side note, i love your latest fic, such an interesting premise. i get so scared every time someone says an order and emmas forced to comply, that scene with the trolls had me on edge. and the fact that cora must suspect something about emma now - im so scared but excited ahah :D have a nice day :)

OH I super dropped the ball on those omg, i have so many others!! but i haven’t been able to rewatch in a long time, it hard 😩

of course i LOVE almost every swan queen scene!! it’s hard for me to pick favorites because nearly every one pings something else inside me omfg. I don’t think there’s a single sq scene I couldn’t write an essay about WHOOPS. so lemme try to answer this with just some of my favorite non-sq scenes 😅

Emma in True North: hoo boy, this is probably in my scenes to rewatch but that scene on the road, MAN. there’s so much careful buildup with emma’s abandonment issues and how much she sees herself in nick and ava. and they have a chance she never does and dammit, she fights for them!! she fights for two kids just like her and they get their moment and jmo turns that realization into agony with sheer artistry in emma’s FACE in their final moment. god.

Regina in We Are Both: this was the episode that sold me on Regina! tbh i’d marathoned s1 as soon as they announced mulan was going to be in s2 so i hadn’t been focusing much on thinking before that?? and then suddenly there’s Regina, in all her rich and layered stories, and i fell hARD. the whole narrative of the episode- Regina resisting parental abuse until she becomes what she’s always feared to be free!! and that translating into her saying ‘no, this isn’t going to continue to the next generation. even if i lose the only thing that matters to me.’ do u ever stan!!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE VERY WELL. END ME.

Emma in Firebird: listen. never follow ur idols to ur next fandom or you’ll suddenly realize they actually hate women and then get ‘’’muted’’’ for ‘’’yelling at her too much’’’ but jane espenson did a GOOD with the flashbacks in this one (present day still literal and figurative hell tho!!). The concept of Emma’s jacket as armor isn’t an original one, but the execution was honestly stellar. Emma forging this connection with an older hardened woman who can’t let go of the past either!! emma destroyed and remade into the lady we met on her twenty-eighth birthday. GOD. SHE FINDS HER DAUGHTER. and i gotta say, the vulnerable-tearful-young thing jmo was doing w emma in s5 didn’t work for me in terms of what present day was trying to convey, but it’s a perfect fit for that flashback, i WEPT.

Regina in Quite A Common Fairy: Lana OWNS the cave scene with Tink, god. The depth and breadth of emoTION. The episode and the narrative itself builds it up from episode one! because this regina on the road to redemption but finally giving us a glimpse into the emotional and mental state she was in as the young queen- she has all this rage and she’s SUSTAINED by it, it’s her only real truth and constant and she’s terrified of what might happen if she lets it go for even an instant and chooses hope instead. (Lana’s voice when Regina says she’s afraid that without rage she might just ‘—float away’ is something that has stayed with me for a long, long time.) REGINA PULLING OUT HER HEART TO MAKE A POINT. far from the last time she will, but how affecting!! god!!

Emma and Snow in S1: There are a few moments i’m thinking of (and i’m literally writing this on the treadmill so pls forgive the lack of episode names) and all of them are so stellar, god. The moment when Snow finds Emma living out of her car early on. Snow and Emma sitting at the table at the loft holding hands. Emma lying down next to a crying Snow. Snow yelling at Emma for being so selfish when she tries running off with Henry?? EMMA SHOWING UP AT MARY MARGARET’S DOOR SEARCHING FOR A ~PERSON~ AND MARY MARGARET SILENTLY LETTING HER IN. Snow and Emma work best in S1 in the silences and the fights, where they’re allowed to just care and be family, and I treasure each of those moments as much as they do.

Regina and Zelena in the Kansas: There’s a lot of effort put into this dynamic right near what seemed like the end, playing with how exactly Zelena perceives her happy ending to go- and then Regina strikes it all down by being different, by changing, by being someone Zelena hadn’t believed either of them capable of. And then Regina goes to Zelena’s cell and offers her!! sisterhood!! my god. i instantly fell in love with the dynamic in that moment and i’m forever pressed that the ‘it’s nice to have family in town’ line was cut. because you can tell that regina craves family and craves unmaking this second monster of her mother’s and zelena was going to TAKE that second chance and hey! this seems the perfect time to go off-message and

Belle in Family Business and Heroes and Villains: imma be honest, i like belle just fine in the early seasons but i have zero interest in rumbelle, which means a lot of fast-forwarding through her scenes. But these two scenes were ENCHANTING. Mirror Belle preying on Belle with the truth that she’s afraid to face! Emilie does such a fantastic job conveying so much cruelty in that scene, I was gaping and enthralled and hoping shattered sight was going to work exactly like that (and tbh props to ginny for doing a hella creepy snow at the start of Shattered Sight). And that town line scene!!! What a stunning, evocative scene. Belle reclaiming agency and taking action in such a 100% cold-blooded but necessary way!! that’s my ravenclaw babe!!!

Mulan and Aurora: I was young, and I Believed, and I Believed for a very long time. I am appalled at my naïveté too, don’t worry.

Regina in Enter the Dragon: LOOK it’s not about the leather but it’s a lil about the leather!!! I really appreciate both Regina in the past and present in this one and also how gay it is, and I’m most charmed by lil evil pep talking nugget Regina who just wants you to be the very best villain you can be! It’s such an artful melding of the exuberance of young!Regina and the delight in chaos of eq!Regina and i, for one, am a fan.

Emma (and Henry) in The Stranger/An Apple Red as Blood: my gOD. Okay I think one of the first times I cried while watching this show was in Emma’s desperate, hysterical denial to August about the curse. She’s so clearly hit rock bottom and she’s TERRIFIED of believing and it’s breaking her. SHE DIDNT ASK TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONES HAPPINESS. SHE DOESNT WANT IT. THAT IS CRAP!!!! i love her!! i love emma swan!!! i do!!!!! and then moving into the end of the next episode when she tells henry she’s leaving and just!! ‘henry! life isn’t a story!’ man this show had some incredible early work. sigh. emma kneeling in front of henry begging him to listen! my god.

Regina in the Cricket Game: so i’m leaving out all my fave sq moments which severely limits the number of regina and emma scenes i can talk about here but the flashbacks in this one SURE ARE SOMETHING. regina has hit rock bottom in this set and you feel it in every moment, in her REGRET THAT I HAVE NOT CAUSED MORE PAIN and frickin stABBING snow and that dark scene with the candle oh god. this is a regina who doesn’t think about looking back anymore but who doesn’t think about looking forward, either, and she’s terrifying. it reminds me a lot of the scene later this season in Welcome to Storybrooke where she takes out snow’s heart and ‘see? i can have everything’ but there are tears sliding down her face. regina in enraged despair is something to behold!!

Henry (and Emma and Regina) in Operation Mongoose: Henry doesn’t often get lengthy times to shine that aren’t about other characters, but he was literally a YA hero in the author’s universe! man! what a kid! and his scenes with bandit Regina are some of my all-time favorites, as is that heartstopping moment when he reaches the top of that tower and flings the door open and Emma KNOWS him. reader, i wept. i wept hard. talk about your earned moments!!!

Emma as Dark Swan: posture! clothing! positioning! voice work! dark swan was a revelation i’m still rightfully bitter about, because she was EVERYTHING in those early episodes. the way she caressed snow’s face in first episode of 5a. the faux-innocent with the calculating eyes on the ship with whats-his-name. every interaction with henry where she was trying to be a PERSON. the way she moved! the way she felt more reptilian than human! i wanted to know everything about her!! (then i did and quit the show lol) honestly some of jmo’s best acting to date, i’m forever in awe.

That Still Small Voice: look, this is an episode about a cricket and it remains one of my favorite quality ouat episodes. Archie sells it best as an adult influenced by his past without quite knowing it, and Archie and Henry make for a really engaging dynamic in here. There is nothing about Archie’s professional behavior that doesn’t make me want to scream but this remains a very, very good episode.

Emma in Sympathy for the De Vil/Lily: okay this is cheating a little because so much of this is also Regina but!! Emma individually shines in this narrative and throughout 4b. From the moment she finds out about what her parents had done, you can watch it slowly draining a part of her?? yes her eyes got redder but there was also this kind of apathy about EVERYTHING. And tbh the Cruella episode is pretty awesome on its own (I love the slow revelation that Cru is the villain, what a stellar execution of a fave trope) but WHEN EMMA KILLS HER. In the exact moment that Cruella says ‘heroes don’t kill’. that’s what pushes emma over the edge!! and then emma ready to kill again the next episode because she feels like she’s sliding into an abyss, i couldn’t BREATHE. emma is incredible when the narrative lets her be angry, and i wanted So Much More. Speaking of which, Emma getting angrier and angrier and almost losing it in The Snow Queen was more of that anger!! i am HUNGRY for it.

Regina and Snow in The Evil Queen: This episode is messy af but damn did my heart skip a beat when a hooded hero saves Regina and tears off her hood and it’s SNOW. This episode does so much of what makes Snow/Regina so fascinating and frustrating, both in the present and the past. Their interactions in the woods moved me! changed me! and Regina had already crossed the point of no return but oh man, oh man, the way they’d almost gotten somewhere for a minute there.

Regina and Henry in Save Henry: A classic, a work of art, and I’ve said so much about it in the past that I’m exhausted just thinking about expressing it all again now. But what a STORY of an evil queen who falls in love with a little boy. What a narrative!! The promo pictures from this episode came out when I was sitting in the hospital for a checkup while I was expecting my daughter, and I was tearing up and the nurses thought it was about the ultrasound. I’M NOT PROUD. This is a love story!!! And it culminates again in A Curious Thing, by the way, which put another ten years on my life, an Epic !

Emma and Henry in New York City Serenade: boy was this a journey, but I was absolutely spellbound omg. This was a love song to a fantasy but it’s a fantasy that never unmakes Emma– she’s afraid of commitment and happiness and everything permanent in her life that isn’t Henry, but she’s still going to take that leap despite herself. It’s a wonderful character study that captures Emma’s essence in a new world, with a new past.

Snow in The Miller’s Daughter: Snow is at her best when the show isn’t painting her with rose-colored glasses and we get to see her darker side, and I don’t think she ever gets quite as dark in the first three seasons as she is when she’s standing there, smiling earnestly at Regina as she tells her that the key to Cora loving Regina is in the poisoned heart she holds. My god. It’s so incredibly cold-blooded and vile, and it’s absolutely the kind of manipulative pragmatism that suits Snow best. I am enthralled and horrified.

Neal and Emma and Henry and Gold in Manhattan: This is one of those really cool scenes where even though I don’t particularly care for half the characters within it, everyone acted the hell out of it and it’s so GOOD. There’s so much tension and you’re holding your breath through the squabbling, and then Henry shows up and you KNOW. You know what’s going to happen and you’re terrified for Emma and it’s so visceral, right up until the instant when Neal demands Henry’s age and Henry shouts ELEVEN and my god, my god. What a reveal. What a scene.

There are more!! so many scenes and moments i’ve loved over the years. Emma and young!Lily! Snowing in Snow Falls! Anna of Arendale!! Snow and Emma in Lost Girl!! Ruby in Red Handed! The David/Emma dragon fight in A Land Without Magic! Regina tearing out that heart in The Doctor and meeting Daniel again?? Regina and her father in hell. all of Hat Trick. i think twenty is a good place to stop, but hoo boy, when this show was good, it was GOOD. alas.

[somnilogical]

ratheka: unjustly banned somni to preempt protest of their unjust banning of emma, which is unjust

emma was protesting cfar instructor davis tower kingsley. this davis tower kingsley:

<<memento mori: Masturbation is considered grave matter, so if someone masturbates with full knowledge that this is wrong and deliberately consents to it then yes, this is a mortal sin, and if they do not repent of it then yes, they will go to hell.>>

<<dirk: like… “only unrepentant sinners go to hell” is not comforting to unrepentant sinners

TowerNumberNine: it is certainly comforting relative to the doctrine of “homosexuals are damned and cursed and cannot possibly repent” which many have sadly encountered>>

and more here: https://everythingtosaveit.how/#davis-tower-kingsley and there is much more than is even written there which those in possession of akashic records or discord logs may give an account of.

i will not repent and submit to pope anna salamon kingsley.

kingsley is in no way a warrior for social justice. yes they are an instructor at “the center for applied rationality”, no there is not some unintuitive deeply wise reason for this. its just what cfar is at this point. “taxing transfems for existing and transferring resources to cisfems” is talking about something zack davis said.

transcript of emma and kingsley: https://0bin.net/paste/teXP7x-IJot61kro#0ZAkytrL7DWmMM8HRFdgdgGS4vV6d7aifuR9Kf8sqkX

[A/N: i didnt say anything this entire time, then found emma and somni were banned, then later found i was unbanned and so was emma. kingsley was also banned.]

somni talks with ratheka:

#discourse-and-debate

[10:56] 𒀭 💮: @Ratheka for what just reason did you ban me from this server?

[11:03] 𒀭 💮: what did i do?

i think you should hand in your badge and gun, resign from the force. as far as i can tell, there was no just cause for this aggression.

[11:05] LeoTal: Er, sorry, are you ban-evading? Or do you mean "banned and just unbanned"?

[11:10] 𒀭 💮: i do not wish to speak with you, answer your questions, or sign or hand you any documents based on my 5th amendment rights under the united states constitution.

i choose to exercise my constitutional rights.

[11:12] Ratheka: In expectation of having exactly this argument, s/me/emma

[11:12] 𒀭 💮: in expectation of me protesting being unjustly banned, you unjustly banned me?

[11:12] 𒀭 💮: that makes no sense

[11:12] Ratheka: This is not the united states, the constitution does not in fact bind leo, who afaik doesn't even live in the states

[11:13] deluks917: Somni you got unbanned. The moderators made a mistake and we corrected it reasonably quickly.

[11:13] 𒀭 💮: would you violate my 5th amendment rights?

[11:13] Ratheka: You can choose not to talk to him, but that's not the same as exercising the fifth.  It's the first; speech and association

[11:13] LeoTal: I was just trying to clarify in case I misunderstood the meaning. Sorry for shitstirring, shutting up now.

[11:13] deluks917: Please let this go

[11:14] 𒀭 💮: why was i banned?

[11:16] conifer: why was somni banned, i'd like to know that too?

[11:20] deluks917: Ratheka predicted Somni would get angry because Emma was banned and post disruptive things. This is not (imo) a good reason to ban someone even if Emma's ban was justified (imo it was not). Given this Somni was unbanned in about a day.

[11:21] deluks917: Idk what you really want us to do here. We already reversed the bans.

[11:23] 𒀭 💮: ratheka predicted correctly that i would object to an unjust banning of emma. destroying opposition so they cannot protest your poor decisions is wrong.

i want justice, i want ratheka's ability to ban people removed from them. i want them to hand in their badge and gun and resign from the force.

[11:24] 𒀭 💮: if people's ability to ban others is not affected by abuse of power for unjust ends, there is no check on abuse of power. there is no differential incentive between banning justly and banning unjustly.

and you get people like ratheka who ban people in anticipation of their opposition to unjust rulings.

[11:28] 𒀭 💮: saying that things are fine because other humans corrected ratheka's mistake and why are you worrying about stuff is wrong.

i want things to be such that if ratheka knew what would happen downstream of unjustly banning someone and then banning any vocal opposition to their choice, that they would not unjustly ban someone in the first place.

[11:38] 𒀭 💮: otherwise you are as moral as a police force at each step pays some restitution to compensate for a cop who unjustly destroy peoples property, but never fires them for their unjust behaviour. encourages people to work around those who wish to do unjust things and then neutralize anyone who they think might protest against their immoral actions. as some sort of missing stair. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html (its unrepresentative that the cops would pay restitution.)

"oh thats just ratheka, sometimes they ban people and then ban people they expect to oppose their ban, you just have to work around them. yeah they can still ban people."

you could say this is silly and the scope of this problem is small and why do you care? but

1 if the scope of this is small does that not apply evenly to all things, would not the scope of removing ratheka's ability to ban people also be small?

2 its important to work things out algorithmically at all scales, so you get things right. the problem of choice in getting things right when theres different amounts of utility at stake, for the same thing, is equivalent. getting the trolly problem right is the same choice whether it deals with the lives of 6 people or 6000000000 people. https://somnilogical.tumblr.com/post/174174621274/wetradelives-felt-mildly-bad-about-my-url

[11:48] 𒀭 💮: the unjust silencing of dissent against authoritarianism, is wrong. then silencing people expected to dissent to the unjust silencing of dissent against authoritarianism is 2x wrong.

my mom grew up in uruguay, her parents were political dissidents, they were put in jail for 6 days and warned that the next time they would be jailed for 6 years. both anyone who dissented and anyone who spoke up for those who dissented risked getting disappeared. they left uruguay, immigrated to america and now she writes books and papers on the regime's gaslighting.

it was unjust when this happened on the scale of a country, it is unjust when this happens on the scale of a discord server.

[11:51] 𒀭 💮: there was no just cause for what ratheka did, but there can be justice for things done for no just cause.

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: I think you have a point, somni, but I'd rather give Ratheka another chance. I think she's learned from her mistake.

[11:52] deluks917: I agree Somni has a point.

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: like if this became a pattern it would be really bad

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: but first offense and all

[11:54] purrtrandrussell: Pragmatically, distributing the amount of work between mods is pretty valuable, given all of us have stuff to do, not a ton of time, etc. and I don't really want to increase the total labor load per person on something I expect to be a one-off thing

[11:57] 𒀭 💮: i dont. ratheka didnt articulate why what they did was unjust.

when i said that i held by the 5th amendment they were like "that doesnt apply here" rather than like respect the rights i asserted.

which is a thing ive encountered with other people who then tried to find other ways to violate my rights.

aaa its kind of absurd that a small discord server is too big to fail??? like justice should come first in logical time (the order in which logical structure in a venacular sense "principles" are considered) and then you find new mods downstream of this instead of flipped around.

[11:58] 𒀭 💮: like, i think you could find one person here to take on this workload in ratheka's stead.

[11:59] purrtrandrussell: So, if you look at what Ratheka said, she didn't dispute that you had a right to not talk to leo if you didn't want to, she was nitpicking about whether or not this qualified as a fifth amendment thing

[11:59] purrtrandrussell: "You can choose not to talk to him, but that's not the same as exercising the fifth.  It's the first; speech and association"

[11:59] Ratheka: So:

Somni, I specifically and without pushing from anyone save you, just now, honestly apologize to you. I agree that my actions were unjust. I stated my belief as such shortly after I took it, and presented to argument to reversing it.  Yes, I fucked up, and I am, in fact, regretful. I did not think that an apology would provide you with any satisfaction, so I did not offer it, but I do in fact intend to do better in future.

The fifth amendment is the right to refuse to answer questions when talking to agents of the government so that you do not incriminate yourself.

[12:00] 𒀭 💮: why was what you did unjust?

[12:01] Ratheka: Because I was trying to reduce the amount of attention I needed to pay, and vexation suffer, by exercising power in a way that had not been justified by your actions taken in this case.

[12:09] 𒀭 💮: thats not really why, nor does it differentiate between what you did to me and what you did to emma. one is doing a wrong thing and another is a marginal act made to cover up that you did a wrong thing.

you did not just act out of akrasia, you also engaged in a coverup.

i dont believe you and expect this will happen again, good-harting over repeating this exact scenario the way that slavery is banned, but immigrant "farmworkers" are treated as "not technically, legally, slaves" but are slaves with ICE acting as slavehunters.

i do not accept this apology, expected low probability that i would a priori, but there is always some chance for this to be wrong.

[12:10] 𒀭 💮: like fuck you didnt act out of "akrasia" i just imported the lie you presented. what you said is a lie.

[12:10] Ratheka: 'akrasia'?

[12:10] Ratheka: I know the word

[12:10] Ratheka: I want to know where I claimed it.

[12:11] 𒀭 💮: "I was trying to reduce the amount of attention I needed to pay, and vexation suffer" this is a lie

[12:12] 𒀭 💮: you were not overburdened with things and then doing stuff out of your attention being overwhelmed or lack of willpower or laziness

[12:12] 𒀭 💮: people who say they silenced people because "they didnt want to deal with hassel, its too much work, you are causing too much disruption" are usually lying

[12:13] Ratheka:

you were not overburdened with things and then doing stuff out of your attention being overwhelmed

How would you know what my burden is?

I sought to avoid having my attention pulled into a discussion congruent if not isomorphic to this one, about emma.

[12:13] 𒀭 💮: because you are still, now, at every step resisting justice. saying that you didnt say the word "akrasia" when this is an accurate descriptor of the thing you said.

[12:14] 𒀭 💮: you claimed a failure of willpower due to being overwhelmed. i disbelieve this.

[12:15] Ratheka: I disagree.

Further, as I am in fact burdened, and have stuff to do that I think is likely to yield higher value for anyone than me being in this conversation, I am stepping away from it. Should the other mods feel I need to step down, I will. I would recommend not extensively harassing them about this? But in the end the choice of actions to take from here is yours.

[12:16] 𒀭 💮: i can see into you ratheka

your words are as empty as your soul

[12:17] 𒀭 💮: you are saying "i cant prove your motive" you are saying that your "injustice" was simply weakness of will. you are trying to divert blame at every step.

[12:18] deluks917: Also looks like the answer to 'Idk what you really want us to do here.' is demod Ratheka.

[12:21] 𒀭 💮: you have not admitted to any logical structure of injustice. i claim there was an algorithm that output this. and the algorithm was not "sometimes i get overwhelmed and i randomly decided to ban somni and emma"

you banned emma unjustly and then you banned somni unjustly to cover up what you did. this isnt accounted for by being "overwhelmed" this is a distinct unjust algorithm.

[12:21] purrtrandrussell: Somni, I do think you have a point, but please refrain from personal insults ("your words are as empty as your soul")

[12:23] 𒀭 💮: one which you have not acknowledged and expect will not repeal.

if you think i have a point, then why not de-mod ratheka and mod someone who doesnt do this stuff? who doesnt at each step try and destroy knowledge of injustice, tries to blur it all into a weakness of will when trying to cover up the unjust things you have done is not weakness of will or being overwhelmed.

[12:25] 𒀭 💮: like? i was banned because ratheka tried to cover up their unjust acts against protest. not because ratheka did some random act while overwhelmed!

[12:27] 𒀭 💮: ratheka is not acknowledging this stuff as wrong.

[12:27] purrtrandrussell: I think you have a point, I just disagree that this is worth de-moding over, there's a general principle I want to follow about not punishing on the first offense. (I also don't think banning Emma was particularly egregious, I do think she stepped out of line, it was a judgement call, and while I think that temp-muting would have  been better and believe reversing the ban was just, I don't consider banning to be especially poor judgement)

[12:28] purrtrandrussell: (also I should get back to work myself, so, this is gonna be an asynchronous conversation on my end)

[12:28] 𒀭 💮: i think it was especially unjust. do you think ratheka banning me was especially unjust?

[12:28] 𒀭 💮: ratheka expects you to cover for them, does not want to directly engage with me.

[13:05] 𒀭 💮: LeoTal accused me of committing a crime in local law.

<<The Fifth Amendment dealing with a person's right against self-incrimination, which applies not only when they're on the witness stand in court but in any context. Citizens have the right not to speak to the police and say things that might incriminate themselves.>>

it was entirely appropriate to invoke the 5th when someone acts like a cop and you do not want to talk with them.

[13:07] 𒀭 💮:

[13:07] 𒀭 💮: https://theievoice.com/red-cards-and-constitutional-rights/

[13:10] 𒀭 💮: in a counterfactual world in which this were not true, this cards that civil liberties advocates distributed to people would be printed in error.

and i would want to immediately inform them of this.

i dont think they were actually printed in error, except the error in thinking that the cops respond to the law.

so what i said about the 5th amendment was correct. even though the internet is not america, i will still invoke american ideals i agree with. will still reference life liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

[13:22] 𒀭 💮: "except in cases where it infringes on others", or equivalently, "for all". which runs closure on the operation in a similar way that the logical closure of "dont kill a person" during triage or in a trolly problem situation involves things which are locally killing one person to save five others.

which is a logical propagation of "dont kill a person" even though a subset of the pattern "killing one person" (to save five) contradicts the base case "dont kill a person" you extrapolate from.

its possible to perform this operation. the united states as it is currently, is not doing this. no state is.

[13:23] 𒀭 💮: (the us also has never done this in its entire history)

[14:11] 𒀭 💮: so this was correct and ratheka attempted to erode my ability to assert this right. "it could have been different" if the comment was made as an orphaned optimization process. or if say emma was saying it to me id on priors i would expect differently.

but rathekas orientation during this was to erode my ability to discern and resist injustice. their only defense is an expectation of keeping schelling reach high, retreating to a claim / attempted social agreement that you 'cant prove intent'. but i can prove intent, its not some separate special section of reality where inferences no longer apply. its made of atoms like everything else.

when someone being arrested shoots themselves several times in the back of the head, cops will say that you cant prove this. [A/N: should be something like "cant prove they didnt do this"] but actually i can form accurate beliefs about this without camera footage. and if you rely on damaging your epistemics and existing with people under a social agreement that intent cant be proved past a certain point. then someone from a culture with much higher schelling reach or who has practiced inference to a finer degree can come in and see into your soul.

just like people from cultures with higher schelling reach than police departments can see through their lies. similarly with most government agencies like ICE and customs and border patrol.

[14:12] 𒀭 💮: <<Congressional representatives, such as Rep. Pramila Jayapal, D-Wash., have taken notice, NPR reported. After John Ghazvinian, am Iranian-born US citizen, was detained and asked “how I feel about the situation with Iran,” Jayapal accused CPB of “playing semantics.”

“It was very lengthy screening with no ability to leave. So whether you want to call that detention or something else is up to you. But the core fact of the matter remains,” Jayapal said. “This seemed to be a directive to pull aside anybody of Iranian American descent.”>>

https://medium.com/citizen-truth/cbp-appears-to-have-lied-in-leaked-memo-directed-staff-to-detain-travelers-with-iranian-links-bb0e9d555f71

customs and border patrol expected collusion from other government agencies on how 'their statement was correct because holding iranian americans for having iranian heritage for hours and questioning them on their loyalty to america isnt "detention"'. ratheka is doing a similar kind of playing semantics when they are like 'i never said the word "akrasia"' even though this is an accurate summary of the motive they claimed and they didnt dispute this. just at each step trying to find some way to muck things up. same with the 5th amendment thing when they knew what right i was asserting, wanted to tear that down, and it happens in this world i was also semantically (aka with low schelling reach) right and they were semantically wrong. and asserting this right is correct when questioned as i was questioned. whether that was the case or not is irrelevant to the larger problem of iteratively trying to erode what things you can communicate so you cant communicate precise information about the unjust algorithms ratheka was implementing.

[14:12] 𒀭 💮: ratheka attempts the same erasure of ability to communicate more nuanced things by attributing their deliberate cover up to some generic failure of will, which does not encode the algorithm which was unjust. it only encodes that having a failure of will when its not warranted is wrong. which is intentionally generic and isnt actionable criticism.

--

#meta

[11:10] LeoTal: User @𒀭 💮 appears to be making trouble of some kind in #discourse-and-debate and a @General moderator should probably take a look at that

[11:57] purrtrandrussell: I wouldn't characterize her actions as making trouble. She's just expressing her concerns about the moderation and making requests as to the governance of the server.

[12:01] LeoTal: Someone is in fact taking a look at that and I am satisfied

[12:34] 𒀭 💮: the answer to "why was i banned?" was "i was banned by @Ratheka to cover up their unjust banning of @emma., preemptively, because they expected me to protest this unjust banning."

this is wrong. ratheka has not acknowledged why covering up injustice in this way is wrong. a just response to this is to remove ratheka's ability to ban people before they engage in another cover-up of unjust activities.

[12:36] 𒀭 💮: it was wrong pre-emptively and it would still be wrong post-emptively.

[12:46] conifer:

>But it would have been reasonable to at least stick around a few days to see if the ban gets reversed.

It could be reasonable, sure, but it's also reasonable not to? There's value in leaving promptly and returning iff things are fixed. It demonstrates willingness to use Exit. It's less fakeable than "well, i will leave the server if xyz not fixed", which risks forgetting, or people not believing you, etc.

It does come at the cost that you're not present in the meantime to argue your points

[12:57] 𒀭 💮: every injustice will be accounted for by the end. when every hair is numbered like every grain of sand. debts will be settled, scales will be balanced, the veil between the living and the dead will be torn down.

karma, like all mathematical principles, does not forget and will not forgive any error.

--

i agree that immediate exodus of all people with a just orientation who expect subjunctive dependence and who are not currently operating as spies (real spies, not "inner emmigrants" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inner_emigration) in protest of injustice is good praxis.

all those who left in protest of an obvious injustice acted well. do not support people following a policy of "waiting around" for some organization in expectation that it will do a just thing. rather than notice that there is no response and then kind of sort of forget it because "it was in the past, whats done is done, what are you making such a big fuss about? it isnt appropriate to be causing so much trouble" as is the default course.

an organization which protects the ability of a mod who bans people for no just reason, only to cover up dissent, is not one to extend this sort of uncertainty or "benefit of the doubt" that they will work any differently than default.

[A/N: kingsley remained banned]

[yeoldontknow]

11 Questions Tag

tagged by @chanyeolingss @kpopfanfictrash and @yeol-stole-my-soul <3333

Rules: 1. post the rules 2. answer the questions given to you by the tagger. 3. write 11 questions of your own 4. tag 11 people

ALRIGHT so i was tagged 3 times with 11 different questions each time so im going to answer all 33 of these and then write 11 of my own LORDY. HERE WE GO

also putting this under a cut cause 33 questions will be a lot

from @chanyeolingss

If you had the chance to do something illegal and get away with it, would you? this entirely depends on what the illegal thing is? like, would i ever cause a person bodily harm? probably not. something less insane and petty? probably. like if i knew i could steal a tv and get away with it, i probably would. 

What do you do to calm down? i listen to music and sit in my room. i light candles. im big into aroma therapy and so i tend to always have lavender or vanilla scents in my space. i pet my cat and make him sit with me. purring kitties lower my anxiety like, a lot. other times i take a bath. If you wanted to, what new name would you give yourself? when i was a kid i hated my name because the spelling always seemed gross to me. for the longest time i wanted to be named Aurelia. im good now tho lmao ive shortened my name on my own to just kat and it suits me Do you use markers, pencils or crayons when coloring/drawing? pencils Of the places you’ve been, which was the worst? honestly i reallllyyy didnt like amsterdam. nothing about that trip made me happy. like im grateful i took the tour of anne frank’s house, but like it wasnt really enjoyment it was just this overwhelming feeling of emotion and trauma. it was beautiful and i wouldnt trade that experience for the world. but everything else was awful. the people i was with was a big problem so id like to go back with a better group and try again.  What’s your favorite Disney movie? always a cross between mulan and beauty and the best Which celebrity do you identify with? i feel like im emma thompson 100% of the time What is your favorite season? autumn, without question the best season What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? my first ever ever ever job was for this newspaper in the town where i grew up. our family friend worked for them and got me the job but it was only supposed to be for 5 days. i had a garbage bin filled with newspapers and i had to hand them out to people. i was only getting paid based on the amount of bins i emptied. i hated every single moment of it. 

What’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done? im not really a petty person tbh its just that if you fall out of my good favor you will not be allowed back in. my trust once lost is lost forever Do you prefer talking on the phone or texting/messaging? please dont call me unless you need help lmao texting is fine

from @kpopfanfictrash

1) If you could have one superpower, what would it be? my god i want so many but right now its a tie between controlling an element (either fire or water) or the ability to understand every language

2) What was your favorite TV show growing up? when i was a kid there was a show called roswell that aired on what used to be The WB and is now The CW lmao it was awful but i made my mother let me stay up to watch it every monday. i still adore this show even though i KNOW its objectively awful but i own all 3 seasons and regularly watch them when im feeling sad lmao

3) What’s the next trip you’re taking or want to take? IN LESS THAN A FEW WEEKS, I WILL BE IN ST LOUIS WITH @kpopfanfictrash, @the-porcelain-doll-xo, @igot7bangtanbaes and @rudeboywonho <33333

4) What is your biggest pet peeve? when im walking behind someone and they are smoking in my face AND passive aggression please just tell me wtf is wrong so we can move on

5) Tell me one weird habit you have lmfao god i cant believe im admitting this to the world BUT when im stuck and need to think hard on something i hold my boobs pls leave me lmao

6) If your life were a movie, what genre would it be? (comedy, drama, teen horror… LOL) id be in one of those teen comedies. probably john hughes with a DOPE soundtrack

7) Who is one person you find inspirational (real or imagined)? my mother

8) What one thing would you save first from your home, in a fire? my cat lmao but if you mean non living thing my phone

9) What physical feature do you first notice on a person? ears and smile are usually within the same moment

10) What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? i cant say ive eaten anything strange. when i was in france i had escargot and adored it

11) One thing I would not guess about you by looking at you. ive played violin since i was 7

from @yeol-stole-my-soul

1) What are you wearing rn :))) What’s your go-to outfit? my pajamas jeans, band tee, combat boots - my standard

2) If you could tell your bias one thing, what would it be? i can i tell him a lot of things in one breath? ok here goes: chanyeol, i respect the living shit out of you, but please make sure you take care of yourself like i know its easy to assume your problems are a burden and that no one really will notice your tells but the ones who care about you the most will never think of you as a burden and want to make sure you keep smiling - also please remember to eat well and sleep and hydrate, because if you dont you will get sick and the last thing i could handle on this earth is seeing you unwell or injured because you pressured yourself too much - trust me i do the same thing and that is why i am openly telling you that the people who really love you will understand if you step back so you can regroup 

*coughs, wheezes* i love you so fucking much park chanyeol please take care of you

*gasping* your verse in chill saved my life

*dies*

3) If you found yourself as a character in a story, what role would you probably play (ex. the villain, the hero/ine, the sidekick, the crazy old man…) and why? i know for a fact id be the witty side kick who unwittingly solves every problem just because shes observant and doesnt have martyr vibes

4) Do you sleep with socks on or socks off at night?? socks off what kind of demon leaves them on???? dont trust that type wtf

5) Which meme most accurately describes you?

this image is me at any given time of day

6) What do you want your last words to be? oh for fucks sake

7) Describe your ideal date(?) i’m adding the question mark to pretend this is a question somewhere we can talk - theres a place in NYC thats a bar but also an arcade filled with old old games like the original tekken and street fighter. i like going there for chill vibes and then likely walking along the water pier in central park at sunset. its really quiet in that part of the city and on a date i really just want to talk, get to know you, figure out your energy. if its the weekend id happily head to the IFC center for a midnight showing of a classic and then depart at 3AM feeling like ive actually connected with someone who challenges me intellectually and culturally 

8) If you could switch lives/bodies with one person for a day, who would it be and why? zhang yixing so i could make sure he sleeps

9) If you had to spend 24 hours in a television show, which one would you choose and why? And would you survive lolol? i want to be in parks and recreation so i can flirt with ben the entire show and make leslie angry and then by the end be best friends with leslie and anne and then become a recurring character

10) What’s your favorite quote? ‘But from each crime are born bullets that will one day seek out in you where the heart lies.’ - Pablo Neruda

11) Where THE FUCK is Waldo?? his house, wondering why the fuck people keep assuming he would be anywhere else

11 new questions:

1. if you could learn any language, which would you want to learn and why? 2. you’ve moved into your dream house. CONGRATS! what does it look like and where is it? 3. i’m buying you a drink. what are you having? 4. welcome to NYC! let me take you my favourite record shop. whats that record you have in your hand?  5. pitch me an idea for a tv show - in 6 sentences 6. i’m sorry but you’re dead. what does the afterlife look like? 7. thanks for hanging out with me tonight! lets put on a movie. what are we watching? 8. i know, i know. dating my friends is odd but i love you so why shouldnt this be a date? 9. i’ve taken you to the strand in NYC. its a 4 storey book store that is filled with miles worth of books. we are on the 4th floor, which is the floor for old and rare books. which book are you looking for? 10. i got my vacation time booked! ok. lets decide. where are we going? really! why do you want to go? 11. SHIT! i didnt know you could sing!! we’re starting a band. what are we called?

tagging: @yeolology @kpopandlock @kollectionn @kimnamwho @imdifferentshadesofpurple @oh-beyond @pikayeollie @the-porcelain-doll-xo  @daegusoftboys @baebae-goodnight @igot7bangtanbaes

[sxmmersover]

Insecurities, Jealousy, internal conflict and… Hypocrisy?

I’ve known Emma for a little over a year. we’ve been dating a week. that leaves pretty much a whole year where i wanted to be with her exclusively, but she wasn’t ready for relationship. 

i’d only really been properly single 2 months when i met Emma. 2 months to process and get over a 3 year relationship amid final year coursework, clearly not nearly enough time. i was nearly there though, i’d asked out a couple girls on dates with little success… but i was moving on. i knew once she’d given me the smallest ounce of attention and interest that i was hooked. she was stunningly pretty, wickedly wild and a total nerd loser at heart like me.

Classic Joe move, obviously caught feelings super fast even though it was clear this girl was on the anti relationship warpath. maybe i could’ve just seen her as a fuck, but Emma also treated me as something much more a lot of the time, so i dared to hope one day she’d come around to being with me. true she made it ever so clear the last thing she wanted was a relationship, but in many ways we treated each other like we were at least ‘seeing each other’. it caused me a lot of pain to know she’d kiss other guys on nights out etc but it brought a lot of comfort that i was the only person she was sexual with, shed always end back in my bed at the end of the night. i lived with that, it wasn’t what i wanted but it was the compromise i made to keep this girl i really liked in my life. i appreciated Emma’s honesty, it says a lot about her that she’d be completely upfront about what she did at the risk of me cutting things off.

The real focus of this post is sex, and my very confused feelings on it so that’s where i am gonna try to steer it now. my problem is holding things Emma did with other people whilst i was in her life against her. i don’t mean that i beef her, or v rarely do. its more when i’m low i think of those moments and think of the girl i love spitefully, its an awful feeling but i do and i want it to stop so bad.

a little ways in whilst continuing this casual friendship i hooked up with another girl multiple times. i don’t really know why i did, i guess it was purely because i could. Emma found out and was mad at me for keeping it from her. rightly so i should have mentioned it, but i was in denial thinking that i had no reason to tell her, i was just covering my ass.

Anyways, a little while later we were past that and it seemed we were getting very close, we even mentioned potentially proper dating. the problem was i was moving away so in the end what was the point. mid April while Emma was in Scotland she fooled around with a guy up there. it hurt me a lot true, i thought we were going to be dating when she got back, i felt a lil betrayed but she also never said we were exclusive so wcyd. when Emma came back from Scotland we fought and i told her she either committed to me or we stopped speaking. in a brutal fashion she said no way so i ended it. fair enough on her part but so far from what i wanted obviously.

during the time we weren’t speaking Emma slept with a guy a couple times. i can’t really understand why this still makes me want to vomit nearly 8 months later. its not the literally fact another dick was inside her, we both have sexual history obviously. its not like she cheated on me so its no that either. i guess its simply because hes the only other guy shes been with in the time i’ve been in her life. maybe that in that moment she was with him, she knew i existed, knew i loved her, wanted her more than anything, but instead chose to be with him. i know it isn’t as simple as that though, we weren’t on speaking terms so it wasn’t a simple choice between the two of us. i don’t really worry that much about him being a better shag. i know im good, but i still can’t her description of that night as ‘oH mY gOd the sEx’ like its burned into my brain. i still remember sobbing endlessly onto my friends floor as i saw her tweets showing he’d stayed over in her bed and they’d gone out for food and later that she had feelings for him. all while saying she needed to get over me. the whole thing still makes me want to fucking pull my hair out. literally some of the worst few days of my life.

that paragraph was heavy. i guess the point is that it doesn’t matter anymore. Emma never wronged me, but it still hurts and i subconsciously hold it against her. which isn’t fair on either of us. but see, this whole thing isn’t about trying to beef her being the whole sex thing is NOT one sided at all. by Sean, we’d both slept with one other person, not that numbers count, but my point is how can i be angry at her when i did the exact same thing, and i did it first? i even did it sober and many many more times than her. i also did it while we were on good terms, she did it while we weren’t even speaking. objectively emma sleeping with sean was no different to me sleeping with laura. i dont even think about laura, it was so unremarkable. emma probably feels the same with sean so why do i fixate on it so much?

fast forward many months theres little to talk about sex wise until Emma slept with a girl on a night out in late October. this one was a lot shittier in my eyes, she’d told me she didn’t wanna be with anyone else and i believed her, BUT and its a big BUT, we still weren’t exclusive so technically she didn’t wrong me. it hurt a lot, i felt so betrayed and so worthless but they are my own feelings to deal with, we weren’t exclusive so she was free to do whatever.

i don’t really have the energy to debate straight and gay sex but to me gay sex doesnt really bother me. so the fact emma fooled around with 2 girls recenly doesnt bother me to a massive extreme. hurts a little bit 1-2. what hurts a lot more was that she fooled around with connor who i was assured a million times over was just a pal but we literally werent even speaking then so can’t beef, but for whatever reason it still hurts.

see now while me and Emma weren’t speaking i started speaking to another girl in what i’d consider a fairly serious way. like we saw each other a lot, she met my fam but that was lit because they wouldn’t let me have a girl over without knowing her. probs because she was Mexican smh. SO THIS IS MY POINT. i slept with this girl, took her to college in the morning etc went on a couple dates yet im hung up over emma’s drunk pulls? WHY? that makes me such a hypocrite. well, at least i can recognise that. maybe i see myself as a victim? maybe its a lack of empathy? but from my understanding emma isnt bothered about me sleeping with other people (obvs before we got into a relationship). i evens slept with another girl in the UK. again counting numbers is silly but since we met emmas slept with 1 other guy to my 3 other girls? so why do i hold it against her and feel so shite about it? maybe i’m a bad person i wish i had a clear cut answer.  

perhaps how i see alice, laura and sindy as literal specs of dust compared to the wonder that is what i have with emma is how she views sean and those girls and thats why its not a big deal to her. maybe its not something to feel sick about all the time. like i said before the whole polygamy thing for the first year we knew each other was certainly both ways.

this has helped a lot, its emptied my head an awful amount. i just want us both to enjoy a long and loving relationship and for the past not to hold us back. its late and i should sleep. this post has literally 0 plan, a literal thought train but its also months worth of thoughts all rolled up into a big mush.

i wanna make it clear Emma isn’t responsible for my feelings, nor do i think she is. i just wanted to explore my own gripes to try and understand them a little better, maybe even resolve them in this little egg head of mine.

i know none of this matters now. i love this girl more than I've ever loved anyone. if we aren’t together at LEAST 5 years i’ll feel cheated by the universe. goodNIGHT