#and the special dvd packages they had to make for this kind of thing

[good-realtor-bad-realtor-dynamic]

Since this looks to have been put together and sent out in the end of August/beginning of September 2009 with the season itself only airing from 17 September onwards, I'm going to assume this press kit would have been related to reviews and publicity for the upcoming season (edit: @endangeredtang has confirmed this).

With that in mind, it's really interesting to see which season 5 episodes they thought were worthy of being sent to the press. It's also interesting to me that the episode were still just "rough cuts". Do they send earlier cuts to the press or were they really pushing until the last minute to finish editing?

Of course, it could also just mean that the other episodes were still in the edit and these were the most polished. It's probably not a coincidence then that 3/4 of these episodes are S5E1, S5E2 and S5E4.

It's funny though because the letter itself is referencing The DENNIS System, Wrestles for the Troops, World Series Defence, Waitress is Getting Married and Break Up in addition to Hits the Road, Mortgage Crisis and Intervention. Why are they so bad at writing promos for their own damn show? XD

(Not sure which "food fetishes" and "drinking games" they're talking about here. Is the latter just Flipadelphia?)

I also checked out the website mentioned in the last paragraph, foxflash.com.

It's a real website that still exists! No Sunny content on there anymore though.

I looked it up on Wayback Machine, and it turns out that back in 2009, all the channels under the Fox network, including FX, had webpages here, so yes, there once used to be Sunny content on this website. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like anyone has archived the FX shows' pages from back then :(

They still had this kind of webpage set-up even as late as April 2016 (probably later too, I didn't check) and somebody was nice enough to archive foxflash.com/fx at this point in time! It redirects to https://www.fxnetworkspressroom.com/, which is actually a website that still exists, but it doesn't seem like you can do much on it without a login, and that's unfortunately been redacted :(

So yeah the gist of it is that I was excited to stumblr across potential new old Sunny photos and found nothing. But fingers crossed, someday someone here will infiltrate FX and get us those secret photos that only the press would've have access to back in 2009.

This has been my Pepe Silvia moment for the next few days. Thanks for tuning into the newsflash of me slowly losing my mind.

Press Kit for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 5)

[thepapergirlandthespiegelman]

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who still remembers and loves CDs. Vinyl records have made a comeback and are now considered cool among certain varieties of hipster and audiophile, but CDs haven't had the same treatment.

And like, to some extent, I kinda understand that. CDs aren't cool. Records are cool. They're big and textured and elegant and they're objectively old enough to feel vintage rather than dated. They're not exactly durable but they make up for their fragility with their other positive qualities, and you could certainly argue that warping and scratches add exactly the kind of character to a record that we've lost with digital music and therefore crave from physical media. A slightly damaged CD pretty much always just becomes totally unplayable.

So I get it. And I'll readily admit that the biggest reason why I like CDs is simply that I grew up with them and have fond memories of them. But I do also think it's objectively true that there are certain positive features unique to CDs. I will never tire of the experience of giving and receiving mix CDs. You can't do that with a record. (I mean, I don't think you can? Not easily, at any rate.) And it's not the same as a playlist! It's not the same. When you make a mix CD, you not only curate the music for the recipient, you burn the disc, you decorate it, you make the sleeve or pick the jewel case and make the paper insert for it, figure out how to wrap/package it. I mean, obviously you don't have to do all of these things, but the opportunity is there for a lot of creativity and love. And in the end the person gets both the physical object as well as being able to make digital copies of the songs on their computer (which also allows them to use those songs in their future mix CDs, continuing the cycle!).

The mix CD is just so unpretentious, wholesome, and kind. It gave the average person unprecedented power over how music was curated and shared. (I mean, of course mix tapes did something similar, and maybe they deserve more credit than I give them, simply because they're from before my time; but I kind of have to assume that CD mixing is a much simpler and more efficient process.) The mix CD creates a loving context for experiencing music. Here, I made this! Special from me, for you! I think context is one of the things which we most desperately miss in this modern age, where we're fed our newest songs by the goddamn algorithm (whether that's Spotify, TikTok, YouTube, or whatever). The mix CD is personal, human, earnest and sweet.

(And yes, to some extent, playlists do this as well, and they have their own advantages. But I think the shareability of playlists, while making it possible for many more people to experience your creation, has ended up discouraging the intimate act of making something just for one other person and instead promotes the idea that what is most desirable is to have your work seen by the greatest possible number of people.)

I started thinking about this because I saw another post talking about the removal of CD/DVD drives from computers and it really does make me sad thinking that this may be the final nail in the coffin of the mix CD. I've had to depend on external disc drives to make my mixes, and I'm sure that for most people, CDs have passed totally out of their awareness.

I'm not saying the mix CD is the end all be all of sharing music. There are already lots of other ways to share music and I would quite like to think that we will continue to invent new ways. But I do find it very sad that the art of the mix CD is dying, and while the mix CD itself may be doomed, I really hope that we don't forget its virtues, and find a way to keep the spirit of the thing alive. Physical object as well as digital copies that can be shared with others, permanent ownership of the music (rather than just streaming/renting), the burning and reading of this object being cheap and accessible, personal touch/high customizability (not being limited simply to song order, a single cover image, and a short description), intimacy. These are what I don't want to lose.

[beardedcreatorcreator]

3D Television - Soon To Enter Your Living Room!

Believe it or not but 2012 is often a busy year when it comes of television. Apart from the usual candidates these super bowl, Eurovision song contest and sports in general - we also look forward to your Olympics and European championship soccer come july 1st. Those happenings won't exist next year solutions face it: somebody a 42"+ television now.

This is actually the recipient to receive and for you to feed in one hour or two, you are ready to look out internet digital TV. The smart card can carry out their channel subscriptions. Regarding smart card, the service will be useless. Customer service continue their services for exceptional. If you have a problem about internet television, a provider of technical services of a trusted power to your house. Response service often between 24 to two days. Receptor sites are associated with the box was used. This can happen during an energy or equipment due put on only temporarily. Call the provider and given to someone else, but you understand the service charge level for you.

VIDEO QUALITY: The BD-D6500 player has excellent image quality. You might be watching DVDs or Blu-Rays, the picture is extraordinary. Video connection for the BD-D6500 include HDMI (2D: 1080p, 1080i, 720p, 480p - 3D: 1080p, 720p), Composite Video Outputs (1 Channel: a person particular.0 Vp-p (75? load) - Blu-Ray/DVDs: 480i) and Component Video (Blu-Ray: 480i - DVD: 480p, 480i). The guitarist is equipped with up-scaling technology to convert your DVS to near HD levels. It can support the playback of 3D Blu-Ray discs, it can be is also capable of converting your 2D content into 3D images. The products of these converted 3D images will vary and are not at amount you will find on 3D Blu-Ray vertebrae. But this is a great feature it's advisable to manipulate with.

Connecting to the net is basic through an Ethernet Port or a built-in wireless LAN Adapter. Once connected you can access smart tv or a connected device via the AllShare DLNA technology. For instance you will definitely stream videos, music and photos when using the PC towards the HDTV. USB playback additionally supported. The BD-D6500 are equipped for the playback of BD, BD-R, BD-RE, DVD-V, DVD-R, DVD-RW, CD, CD-R, CD-RW, WMA, MP3 and JPEG.

When we try discussing screenwriting targeted keyword phrase categories is roughly one sixty seconds. Some television shows will have to fill thirty minutes slot a number of an 60 minute block. Sometimes even more than that whether it's a two part series for type. The choice is yours.

Throw away your handy remote control softlogic tv . If you must be get equal to change channels it will make you conscious of the things you are doing and trigger you to be think in respect to the choice you make.

Glare is much more prevalent on LCD televisions since the masai have a narrower viewing angle then Plasma. Also, because usually are very well lighted from behind, from a bright room, or inside day, device is much darker, and less smart tv low price visible then Plasma tv sets.

As a result, it just worked for me personally. In their basic bundle or package, the channel of my interest had been included. It's where I'm really a great idea to buy one package like no other kinds of. Best of all, the price really affordable for me to yield. The other point that I'll mention will not be a other than reception. If your TV's reception is unhealthy for the customer to watch, you will be presented with a poor rating. Consist of words, the client will start to get frustrated and immediately call your job opportunities hotline. Itrrrs important for the people to have a high quality cable tv television service for the customers. Putting quality over quantity is a great thing to do, specially in terms of picking the top bundle or package.

[spacedikut]

“let me do this for you. please.” ; aaron hotchner

pairing: aaron hotchner (criminal minds) x reader

summary: it’s left to you to help aaron with his injury. taken from this prompt list - 1781 words

a/n: this is kind of shitty trash but i wanted to add to the one hotch fic ive written

Aaron Hotchner, in all his glory, is more often than not described as strict. Maybe even grumpy.

It takes less than one conversation with the unit chief to fully understand this, sometimes all it takes is witnessing the way he walks and holds himself, and he’s become somewhat notorious for it.

However, you know more about Hotch than the average person. More than either of you care to admit. For a while you were certain he hated you, definitely didn’t trust you, despite being highly trained and told again and again by your team that that’s just how Hotch is. Emily, especially, pulled you aside to tell you she was also victim to his cold persona at the beginning.

It takes time, she’d said, but he’ll warm up to you. He won’t be able to resist.

It all changed when he appeared at your apartment door several hours after you’d been discharged from the hospital following a gnarly gunshot wound to your shoulder. He stood there, with his famous furrowed brows, straight-mouth look on his face, cradling a basket. He’d made you a ‘get well soon’ package – your favourite candy (he knew that?), some DVDs (including your favourite – he knew that?), and his favourite book (written by your favourite author). There were fluffy socks and a colouring book, too.

“I couldn’t visit you in the hospital,” He’d said, “So Jack and I made you a gift basket. He chose the colouring book.”

In your stunned silence you didn’t ask any further questions, just took the present and contemplated getting shot again in hopes he would pay another visit, maybe come inside. Maybe fall in love with you. You’re not picky.

That night you realised your unit chief doesn’t hate you and you definitely don’t hate your unit chief.

Now, almost a year later, there’s been some big changes. You’re pushing Aaron onto his bed as he grips the top of his bleeding forearm; he’s mumbling curses under his breath while pouting – yes, pouting, no matter how much he’ll deny it when you tease him about it later. It had taken you raising your voice at him to convince him to let you help at all, let alone clean the cut, so you allow his brooding.

When you sit on your heels of his bedroom floor in front of him, he instinctively opens his mouth to, once again, say something along the lines of, “You don’t have to do this,” or “I can look after myself.”

You interrupt before he can even begin.

“If you refuse to go to the hospital, refuse to let an on-site medic come to you, you’re gonna let me help you, you got that?” You snap, fuelled by worry and frustration.

On the scene he’d refused medical attention, telling the medics to focus on the victims which, fair enough, was valid. But then Rossi had tried to drive him to the hospital, to get stitched up because anyone could see the cut on his arm needed it, and he’d argued and argued to the point where Rossi shoved him into your car and said, “You take him. He’s being a child and I am too old for this.”

He kept telling you to just drop him off home and he’ll be fine, but you couldn’t do that. You have a medical background; you’ve stitched up everyone on the team at least once, excluding Hotch, and you’ll get peace of mind if you do the job and know he’s okay.

You followed him inside, he kept telling you to go home because he’s fully capable, and you kept telling him to shut up. Now you’re here.

Aaron says nothing in return – just stares into your eyes and maintains a tight, strained posture.

You recognise the look in his eyes, then. Everything clicks into place in your head and your heart hurts slightly.

“Let me do this for you. Please.”

Aaron is a leader. A protector. He always has been. He trusts his team with his life, of course he does, but he’s also stubborn. The idea of anyone, let alone the one person who’s somehow wormed their way into his life in a way he hadn’t prepared for, seeing him so vulnerable after a stupid mistake led to an even stupider injury is downright humiliating for him.

He’s embarrassed. He hoped he could sulk home, drink a little too much whiskey as he clumsily cleaned himself up, and move on like nothing happened.

But it’s you, all non-judgemental eyes and worried tone with your caring and reassuring words. You’re too good for him. You’re too good to him.

You work slowly and gently, in a very you way, and Hotch watches closely the entire time. You assume he’s watching so he can do it himself next time, can use this as an excuse for you to not do this ever again, but a part of you wonders if he still doesn’t trust you.

He sits patiently, until he realises how much blood he’s lost and starts to feel woozy. It’s very possible he has a concussion, too, along with the exhaustion from not sleeping for at least twenty four hours. His head feels like it’s swimming and his vision gets a little blurry.

You notice him swaying and stop what you’re doing to hold his biceps to steady him. His eyes almost roll, but he seems to jolt himself out of it. Aaron has this disturbing ability to act as if nothing bad is happening – for example, right now. The blood loss is alarming, he just almost passed out, but it’s like he flicks a switch in his brain that decides nah, let’s not do that.

“You okay?” You ask, voice quiet.

He nods and mumbles, “Yeah. Brain almost collapsed.”

You think that’s an attempt at a joke. You’re too concerned to laugh, even fake it, and slowly move your arms back to the med kit you’re rifling through.

“Brain dumb.” He adds.

“You’ve lost a lot of blood, Hotch.”

“Aaron.”

You look up at him through your eyelashes. Aaron surprises himself by wanting to cry at how beautiful you look.

“My name’s Aaron. You should call me it.”

You laugh quietly – the blood loss is beginning to get to him and he’s losing his professional barrier. The barrier that he lets down rarely, usually only when he’s in the comfort of his home, maybe relaxing with you and Jack. This is a special version of that, amplified by his injury.

“I’ll call you Aaron, then.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s alright, Aaron.”

He goes back to watching you, contentment coming off him in waves.

You’re done a few minutes later, Aaron’s cut all cleaned and stitched up. You wrap it in gauze and move the med kit aside, standing before him and sighing, hands on your hips.

“Alright. Bed time.” You say.

Aaron flops back on his bed, arms spread – it makes you giggle. It reminds you of the one time you had to bring drunk Hotch home.

“Move up, Aaron. Against your headboard.” You command.

As he moves, you grab some of the pillows he doesn’t use and place them under his legs to elevate them. You go to his ensuite and fill a glass of water, placing it on his bedside table, and look at the handsome unit chief seemingly asleep. You lean in closer to get a look at his condition – is he pale, cold, clammy?

His eyes snap open. You jump back in shock.

“Thank you for taking care of me.” His voice is rough, he’d almost fallen asleep, and his dimples begin to show when he smiles at your surprise.

“I’ll always take care of you, Aaron.” You say instantly, trying to fluff the pillow behind his head. You don’t realise what you do to him, he thinks, or what the things you say do to him.

“Let me take care of you, too.”

You smile, ignorant to the way he’s looking at you, “You do take care of me. You take great care of the whole team, A. You’re kind of amazing at it.”

You move to tuck him in, like you’ve watched him do to Jack many times.

“I mean-“ He stops you, large hands holding your wrists, “Let me take care of you. No one else.”

Your brows furrow, “What do you mean?”

“Me, Aaron, take care of you, Y/N.”

“That doesn’t explain anything.”

“I can take care of you.”

“Yeah, I know,” You laugh at the situation, the ridiculousness of how you’re going in circles, “I just told you that you take great care of me.”

He lets out a deep breath in exasperation, “Let me take care of you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “That sounds sexual, sir.”

“Oh. No, I didn’t mean it-“ He cuts himself off, “I mean, yes, but no, at the same time.”

You open your mouth to say What?!

“I’m trying to ask you out, Y/N.”

Oh.

You’re stunned, to say the least, and speechless. There’s nothing more you’d like than to go on a date with him, but he’s… vulnerable right now. Fragile. You’re not sure he’s in the right state of mind for this conversation.

Hotch senses your hesitation before you even register it yourself. He begins to backtrack.

“I’m sorry, I know that’s inappropriate-“

“Aaron.”

“Yes?” Despite the look on your face, filled with doubt, he’s still hopeful.

“I would really like to go on a date with you.” He smiles at that. “But you’ve lost a lot of blood and you’re concussed AND you’re exhausted. I can’t take what you say now as, like, gospel.”

He nod as if he understands, but the concoction of ailments he’s got going on make him incapable of truly recognising what’s going on. All he knows is that you said you’d really like to go out with him, and that’s good enough for him.

“Say this again tomorrow and I promise you I’ll make it worth your while,” You grin, now smoothing his hair away from his face as he blinks slowly at you.

“Make it worth my while, huh?” He sleepily smirks, a teasing lilt to his voice. If he wasn’t on the brink of sleep you’re sure he’d look too good for you to handle, but now he just looks adorable.

“Oh yeah. So worth it.”

“Alright then. Night night. You can kiss me on the forehead, if you feel so inclined,”

You roll your eyes and give a big sigh jokingly, “Only because you’re injured.”

You lean, give a quick peck to his forehead, and his dazed gaze follows you like a magnet.

“See you tomorrow, Hotch.”

“Aaron.”

“See you tomorrow, Aaron.”

[partnersatfazbear]

Japan Package

Yeah, another off topic post... I don’t really have anywhere else to put this, though! Maybe you guys can learn more about me. =:3

I’ve always been a collector, especially of things from Japan... COVID has basically killed that for me with EMS taking almost 2 years to return and the skyrocketing prices of goods and shipping. So, with that said, this will be my last big collection post for a very, very long time [in regards to Japanese merch, I am still collecting FNAF!]

Anyone whose read my blog knows I’ve been hyped for Legend of Mana HD Remaster... and I nabbed a few things last minute when it was announced:

A large rabbite plush! This kinda goes with my collection of yellow bunnies, so I splurged since it served more than one interest for me.

Elazul and Pearl from the Square Millennium Collection.I already had these at one point but lost Pearl along the way, so I replaced them.

Some Legend of Mana trading cards (they’re sealed) and Pokemon Gold playing card deck. This will Segway me into my Gold/HeartGold stuff...

Moo-moo milks! The top one holds cold/hot drinks and the bottom one is a metal thermos.

Lyra and co. I waited so long to complete my set for Johto... she was a pretty penny unfortunately.

A bunch of various Gold related items. I don’t know much about them. A keychain, a small toy, and a postcard book. I should probably mention I got these items before the Pokemon Scalping Craze of 2021 took effect...

Pokemon Stadium 2 CIB, Pokemon Gold CIB, some kind of physical Pokemon Heartgold thing (I believe it’s just the download card. I know it isn’t the normal game.) and finally, one of my grails-- a lightly used Johto Gameboy Color w/a cartidge of Gold.

Pokemon Johto themed Pokeballs! This was a premium Bandai exclusive. I got it for the GS ball, NGL. While taking photos, my wife noticed that all of them open... except the GS ball of course! I did get this used so it was missing the dispenser parts and candy, but I didn’t care. I have the stands and belt attatchments--so looking forward to having these when I eventually cosplay Gold/Hibiki/Ethan.

Another grail. I already had the Gold Pokedex and Pokegear. I decided to get the HeartGold Pokedex/Gear. I haven’t tried it out yet!

Since Pokemon relates to Digimon, I’ll post the tiny amount of items I got. I no longer actively collect in this community outside a few unique items that I may want, so this is the end of my Digimon collection for the most part.

Not much to say regarding these. I had an atrocious time getting the shot glass the first time around, so I finally buckled and got it via a proper proxy. Weregarurumon, although a plush I don’t particularly like, was one of the last I needed to complete the line of plushes for the Gabumon line.

I’ve been after the Tsukuda Hobby Misato Vinyl figure for years. I finally snagged her. I’ve always loved this line, but sold most of it a long time ago. I don’t really have a huge collection for Misato, but she was always my favorite and I like this piece to represent her in my collectibles.

Jack from Radiata Stories. This was to complete my Star Ocean Trading Arts set. I also got the remainder of the Valkyrie Profile Trading Arts I was missing, but I didn’t picture them because they were thoroughly wrapped and I don’t want to lose pieces when I move.

My MAIN collection is Star Ocean: the Second Story (and all of it’s iterations). If I ever make an exception to my no major packages importing rule, this would be why. An Amanesis keychain, a calendar and a small pocket book.

Okay, maybe I lied... my MAIN collection is Aerith Gainsborough... I love and adore her; always have!

Aerith photo cards! I guess they were from Skytree? I don’t remember... Also some cards for Star Ocean EX, Pokemon Gold / Silver, and Ayumi Hamasaki.

More Skytree items! These are edible. One is a bottle with hard sugar candy and the others are various suckers w/edible flowers!

It took all I had not to cry when opening the music box... lol

Lastly... I was going through some bad times last October and I really rediscovered my love for Ayumi Hamasaki circa 1999-2001. I really wanted to embrace it and went a little nuts =:p If you haven’t heard her work, I highly recommend it. In fact I think A*BEST is probably my second favorite music album of all time. It’s in my top 3 for sure!

A photobook. Some CDs! Remember how much I love A*BEST? I got the anniversary edition. Included a book, CD/DVD/BluRay combo, a shirt, and a special collectors box. AyuMiX and M~ were replacements because mine are worse for wear nowadays. LoveAPPEARS and the blue CD are new. The blue CD is actually a release BEFORE Ayumi Hamasaki’s first single--it’s pretty rare! I’m excited to hear it!

A keychain, flipflops, and a stationary type set w/a binder, clear file, stickers, ect.

An uncommon Ayu-pan! She is proportional.. as opposed to the chibi design they normally have. And a mousepad! Sold at one of her early concerts!

Vinyl records of her singles: M~ and Endless Sorrow.

A CD single style keychain and a card for Endless Sorrow rounds out the lot.

It’s been an adventure... and I’m really sad to see it end until things settle down again, IF they do...

I wanted to say I have almost all the non essentials packed for my move, so I may be able to post some actual FNAF content in a week or so! =:3 Thank you for checking out the fun with me!

[putschki1969]

Hi Puts, I have a question, but maybe it's too personal. As a fan, how much money do you spend? I think the three FC alone cost about $130 a year. Each shipment to Mexico costs between $20 and $50, including fees. Buying CDs, DVDs, streaming tickets, shop items, magazines (Idk if Hikaru and Keiko send something like Botanical Tsushin) I think is quite a bit of money. I graduated this year and recently started working, so I'm wondering how much money I need to pay for everything I want.

Hello there!

Don't worry, I have no filter so there is literally nothing too personal you could ever ask me. Also, I think it's important to be transparent about stuff like that.

Before I get to the juicy details I want to preface this post by saying that I am in a very privileged position so using my fangirl expenses as a general reference is probably not the best idea. There is free education and public health care in my country so I do not have any debts from either of those. On top of that I do have a job with a decent salary and my monthly fixed costs are comparatively low since I share the rent and stuff with my mum (yup, I am 30+ and choose to live with my mum, sue me). My company pays for public transportation, internet and a big portion of my meals. Last but not least, I have no car, no partner, no kids, no pets, no other social commitments or anything else that would burden me financially aside from my obsession with Kalafina so I am free to spend a considerable amount of my income on my "hobby" without having to worry too much about running into debt or not having enough savings.

Having said that, I will openly admit that I spend a SHIT-TON of money for my girls, much more than I am honestly comfortable with. Yes, I can more or less afford it but it still brings me a lot of pain and tears every single day.

Now let's get into the details 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→ [Like you I will be using USD for easy understanding]

I honestly cannot tell you a definitive number since my expenses always change depending on how many events and releases are scheduled for a particular time period. I guess I can provide a rough overview of what I am currently spending on Kalafina since there are quite a few things happening right now (nothing compared to last December though).

The four FCs I am part of with their combined costs of roughly $150 are what I consider to be “negligible costs” and they are really my least concern in the grand scheme of things.

The streaming tickets are very cheap in my opinion and I would gladly pay even more for them if it meant I wouldn't have to spend a fortune on regular trips to Japan. But yeah, it's another $150 to $200 a year for various streaming events.

Releases and merch are pricey in and of themselves (incl. around $5-$10 of domestic shipping) but it's made even worse when you are crazy like me and buy multiple copies of something just to get special benefits. Recently I have ordered Hikaru's merch (~$100), Keiko's merch (~$50), Wakana's merch (~$120) and three *coughs* copies of Wakana's Blu-ray (~$220). I also made sure to purchase Hikaru's albums on iTunes (~$20) even though I already own the CDs.

International shipping/import fees is where the costs pile up and I usually end up paying anywhere from $20 up to $150 for packages. Austria has literally the WORST import regulations T_T

I also indulge in the occasional Kalafina fashion item so that gets pretty expensive too. But that’s just me so there is really no need to take these costs into consideration.

So yeah, you can expect to spend a LOT of money depending on how greedy you are. :P Being an overseas Kalafina-fan sucks! However, I have two tips for you:

Prioritising is key! Find out what’s most important to you and then make peace with the fact that you will never be able to buy everything because that’s just not reasonable (unless you are filthy rich :P). I obviously focus on digital and physical music releases because that’s how you support their solo careers. I know it’s tempting to pirate this stuff but I urge all fans to make those purchases. The same applies to live stream tickets. If you have the means and the event is foreigner-friendly, please go for it! Aside from that, you will just have to choose your orders wisely. Ask yourself the questions: What kind of benefits do I prefer? What merch am I most likely to use? Any merch I am particularly fond of? Make sure you don’t end up overspending. While I keep encouraging fans to spend their money, you should always do it within reason. 

Cluster your orders! If you are using a proxy service like Tenso or Buyee, it’s best to have items arrive around the same time so you can consolidate your packages (within the 30-day period). After all, there is nothing more frustrating than paying $20 on shipping for a tiny fan club magazine that’s basically for free. So before you make a purchase, check the scheduled shipping time and try to make your orders align with each other. And also try to pay attention to the shipping dates of FC-related items, that’s not always easy since the schedules aren’t exactly regular but you can at least get a feel for them. If a FC item happens to arrive at the warehouse, you could always use that opportunity to order some in-stock goods or releases you have had your eye on. They should arrive quickly so you can ship them together with the FC-item. Please note that this will of course increase shipping costs/import fees since your packages will get bigger/heavier but I think at the end of the day, you are still saving money.

I know it’s often frustrating and intimidating to navigate through the world of Kalafina but I hope my posts can at least somehow help to alleviate the the stress that comes with being an overseas fan.

[thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness]

Kaoru&Toshiya Interview  BURRN!! October 2020 1/2

'Ochita koto no aru sora' was released as the band's first digital single ever. In the middle of what it seems to be nightmarish situation in which they can’t predict at all what’s lies ahead , what are the hopes and emotions that these 5 people put into this song? Text by You Masuda

Notes before reading: This is the first part of the Kaoru and Toshiya interview done by You Masuda for BURRN!! October 2020 Issue, released on September 4th. This part covers more or less half of the interview. Expect second part to be posted around this weekend. You can read the second part here. You can support and get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) -----

At midnight on August 3rd, DIR EN GREY's latest single 'Ochita Koto no aru Sora' was released through digital distribution. Half a day before this, on 2nd afternoon’s, this magazine had the opportunity to talk to Kaoru (guitar) and Toshiya (bassist). Following the 'TOUR 20 SOGAI’ that was scheduled for this spring, the two-night performances 'The Insulated World-The screams of Alienation', which were supposed to be held on July 23 and 24, at Pia Arena MM, a large venue newly established in Yokohama, were also cancelled. However, this latest song with such a meaningful title was delivered as a promised.

Completed by Josh Wilbur as a mixing engineer, this song should be the starting point for a new direction for the band. On the other hand, the flow of their live activities has been cut off. However, even if they are under such a strange situation, I felt objectivity and calmness that differs from resignation in their words. -I think the situation is different so far from the usual single release timing. When it comes to digital-distribution only releases, things like booklets or extra DVDs are no involved in the process. Kaoru: No, it was supposed to be like that, but this is what we are doing right now. Besides, we are  making an special package for Pia Arena (a packaged version of the same single that will be sent to ticket purchasers who didn’t want a refund due to the cancellation of the two-night performance at Pia Arena MM). Toshiya:  So, in the end, the result is the same thing. Kaoru: It feels like (the idea of) that kind of work (packages) is something that we pursued later so that’s why the talk about if we should do a photoshoot for it or not came out. -I see. This time, the first digital distribution only release was made. It was the result of reassuring the release of new songs at this time, right? Kaoru: That’s right. A digital release is probably the best way to get it on time. Toshiya: In a sense, it's also a new initiative. I always thought the time for us to release something in this this way would come. I couldn't predict when that would happen. But now, at this time and under these circumstances, I feel like a digital release is a very rational thing. On the contrary, if it was not this time, maybe we wouldn’t had known when the right time was to give it a try. -Then, this situation made it happen. In the first place, surely the song ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ was planned to make its debut at the two-night performance in Yokohama (Pia Arena), After that, you have planned to release it around July, right? As a result, the fact that the performances were cancelled seems to have changed the implications a bit. K: Originally, the flow/world of ‘The Insulated World' was supposed to be finished in those two days, and we were heading to a new path from there, but the lives that were supposed to be the precursor for that, disappeared. So, as a result of that, it feels like the new single will be released while the previous flow is still going on. Of course, just because the tours and live performances that were supposed to be held are gone doesn't mean we can't make new ones, however, but you could say that the way to look at their flow has changed. Well, actually, about those two live shows (PIA ARENA MM), we may try to do them again someday in the future. -But in fact, just because a new flow is about to begin, even if these so-called revenge performances are done in the future, at this point, the things that you wanted to do might have changed. K: Yes. Because I don’t think of them as performances that had a date change. Over time, the songs we want to play will change. We actually talk about that. As expected, I can't say anything about it yet (laughs) -At the same time, the single. I think the way we look at the ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ will also change. T: It will change naturally. But it can’t be helped, and I don't think it's a bad thing. No matter what kind of work it is, it’s something that gets out of our hands at the moment that we put it out for the world. From that moment, I think it will change depending on the moment that people listen to it and how they feel connected to it. -For the two-night performance in Yokohama, the set list was broadcasted in real time on your official channel of Youtube. The last song of the 2nd day was ’SUSTAIN THE UNTRUTH'. I think that the fans that we were watching it should had listened to it while imagining ‘what kind of atmosphere will have the end of this performance?’. K: I don't think you could imagine what kind of live it was supposed to be even if you tried to (laughs). However, to reveal something at that live…. If we could had done these live, there was no announcement planned after the performance. We had no plans to do a tour beyond that, and there was nothing new to announce at that time. As a result, it only became possible to announce the single properly at that time. -The moment in which the flow from 'The Insulated World' was completed after the two-night performance, the growing curiosity would be “what’s next?”. If nothing is announced, that’s going to make people talk (speculate) about that, right? T: Hahaha. For sure. K: Well, but it was like “but there is nothing! (to announce)’, right? (laughs), But well, we are just about starting the album production. It’s just that we can't announce anything because we haven't decided when we are going to announce it yet. T: But that’s already the greatest implication, right? -For sure. Anyway, the fans have no choice but to use their imagination. Also, a song with such a meaningful title such as ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’…what kind of song it it? Is the kind of song that is ahead of ‘The Insulated World 'and 'The World of Mercy'? Could you say that this song suggests the musical direction you are going to move on? K: Well, we don’t know yet. It's just a song has been completed to be single. It starts from there but who knows what will happen in the future? -In other words, it's better to think of it only as a single song, right? K: Yes. At this point, that’s what it is. -Kaoru, you said in an interview published in 'BURRN! JAPAN VOL 16’done before the completion of this single that I have no choice but to imagine how the music would be from the title. You used the mysterious words “a modern/ a song according to the current times” as way of teasing me. K: I did say such a thing, didn’t I? (laughs) -I had no idea of what that meant, but from the impression of the title, I imagined a slow song that felt dark and heavy. However, when I actually got to listen to it, I found out that it’s not like that at all. It’s a song that doesn’t fit in your common format or a standard song that has gone through a process of changes. Although there are many developments parts and just a few repetitions, it feels like all these the elements are tightly packed in these 3 minutes. Pointing out that it’s a song that debunks the theory I made, I wonder what did you mean with “a song according to the current times/modern”? K: What I wanted to point out when I said that it’s that the high point of the melody(chorus) isn’t the only outstanding thing about the song. Usually there is one high point in the song, usually in the middle of it and a few other highlights during it. That’s what I think that I meant when I say a “modern song” (laughs) -What were your first impressions when you heard the song, Toshiya? T: I don't remember the impression I had when I first heard it. Of course, the song itself has changed a lot since that moment. However, it did change following the flow of DIR EN GREY at the same time in a natural way. I don’t know how to say explain it properly but, I think that it feels like a song that was composed while using limited components very effectively. It’s a very interesting song composed with creativity and originality. -The fact that it’s a song composed with the minimum necessary parts, including the the catchy part makes it interesting and intertwined, isn't it? T: That's right. So, while adding and subtracting parts, it created a good shape for the song. I think that’s very interesting. -In a sense, I feel that it also connectss with "CLEVER SLEAZOID", which is recorded in a new version this time. K: What do you mean? -At that time, that song was also the beginning of a new flow for you, building up the song until a high point. Moreover, there was a compactness in each part that were intertwined in a functional way and finished without needing to repeat parts more than the necessary. That's why I felt there was some intention behind these two songs lined up together in this way. K: Ah, I see. T: But that’s reading too much into it (laughs) K: Actually, before the main song of the single was completed, I've already arranged it, this 'Clever Sleazoid'. “I wish we could live in really safe circumstances. Rules for live might be different, but I definitely want to try it soon” Toshiya -Oh really? What made you decide to re-record this song at this time? K: Somehow, the lyrics…. T:  As he (Kyo) wanted to sing them in Japanese... K: Yes. English is mixed this time as well in the lyrics, but at that time the lyrics were all in English. (Note: In the original song, only one line in Japanese was included in the end). He wanted to sing it in Japanese, we thought we should try it. T: This was... I think it was in France. We had already decided to do it during the European tour from January to February. That's why I remember the time when we were rehearsing it in France. K: Yeah, that's right. T: We raised the tempo a little, change the rhythm, and try to match it together.  It was like… ‘how does it feel like this? ‘Or like that?’ We were kind of checking the atmosphere that it would create (for the song). - The single "Clever sleazoid" was released in 2005. At that time, even from the American label side, the lyrics were requested to be made in English. That’s something that might had cause Kyo feel disappointed. Also, using the English language did not change the way people accepted you in Europe and the United States. So it might me something that created a feeling of discontent. By the way, this song hasn't been on the set list so much in  the last years. K: That was just a coincidence. -It was a little surprising that it wasn't included in the set list for the two-night performance in Yokohama (PIA ARENA). T: Yeah, for sure. K: If we would had put it in this time, you just can’t play the old version. It's just like that. (When the setlist of PIA ARENA was broadcasted in Youtube) -I agree with that. There are many things I would like to ask about the lyrics of this song now that are done in Japanese, and of course, the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora", but this time, Kyo seems that won’t accept interviews about the lyrics. Fans have begun to search for the lyrics of "Ochita koto no aru sora" since the short version of Youtube was released for the first time. The words "August 6th Morning" appear in the lyrics but is the reason of this the continuation of the story that is told in the song “Riyuu” (Song from 'Macabre',released in 2000, the lyrics start with the words "August 5th")or is it pointing out the date when the atomic bomb was dropped in Hiroshima? When the video clip was released, it seemed more natural to interpret it like the latter, because it includes images related to war scenarios. I don’t really want to compare your answers here but, how do you both interpret it? K: Mmm, I think that it’s like something that is restricted, like being trapped in something where you can’t see anything. That kind of feeling. To tell the truth, Kyo told me something like “this is the feeling of it” but, it seems that at some parts, the current situation has also been included. The other day, following the cancellation of the Pia Arena performances, there was a talk event for people who purchased VIP tickets, and this same thing was said there right on the spot. “It’s not unrelated to this situation right now”. -Even if he originally wanted to write about other things, does this mean that this situation has affected it (the lyrics)? K: It seems so. -What do you think of this, Toshiya? T: I don't really try to interpret the lyrics in detail, however, I was wondering if this song was a continuation. I feel the lyrics these days are all connected even if they come from different directions. Also, I basically think of all his lyrics and songs in terms of melody. So, I didn't scrutinize the meaning of the lyrics or anything like that, for me it is like a sound. -Saying so, I can't go asking any further (laughs) In fact, I myself feel that there is a continuation in that sense. I think there should be a connection with "The World of Mercy". What about the title itself, “Ochita koto no aru sora" (“The fallen sky or the sky that has fallen”)? Does this mean that a sky has fallen? Does that mean that you yourself or something has fallen in the past? Initially, I felt it was the first option but now seeing the story, it seems most likely to be the latter. K: I think it could be both things falling, right? But, I think that it’s ok for each person to decide how they do perceived to the lyrics. -I feel like the suffocating feeling as if the sky was falling, overlaps somehow with the current situation. K: Yes. However, when you use “koto no aru”, it means that you have already experienced it. So, in the sense still…. T: I’m not really sure about it. K: I don't feel like the person who wrote the lyrics wants to say "this is it" clearly. In a way, if it were something that wants to be clear, it would be explicit in the lyrics. Rather than that, there is a part in which what is writing is daringly blurry. After all, I don’t think I like explaining the meaning of the words because explaining will weaken the meaning. Isn’t it stronger if everything is in the shape you wrote it? -Yes. I would like to ask Kyo again about this matter sometime after. However, what about the link between the content and the video clip with the lyrics? For example, among those which are known, as  "VINUSHKA" (included in "Uroboros" released in 2008) from the video, it is natural that some people interpret is as "This is a song about the atomic bomb, isn't it? However, it is not a materialization of the lyrics, but rather an answer to the song from the director of the video’s side. The video of "Ochita koto no aru Sora" is directed by Keita Kurosaka, who has worked on "Agitated Screams of Maggots" and "Rinkaku"as well. This time, you asked Mr. Kurosaka to do it because…...? K: First of all, the actual question was who could make the clip. So, it started with looking for a director. It was the same as always, this time, after all, it’s hard to come up with new ideas when it comes to select people for doing it. This time, it’s not directed by Kondo (Hiroyuki: the video director who has worked on many of their video clips) because the previous clip has not been completed yet (laughs). If he hasn’t finished that, we can’t ask him for a new one. So, we talked to Mr. Kurosaka, with whom up until now we have worked together with animation stuff but, as there were also people who took pictures and footage, we decided to mix them up. -So that was the reason why you didn't ask Mr. Kondo? The full version of ‘'The World of Mercy' video clip isn’t out yet… K: It's not finished. It hasn't been done yet, it's true. But….aren’t we a little weird? Somehow, normally, we should be angrier. Actually, I was angry but even so, it wasn’t done yet (laughs) -He is a person who thoroughly goes digs in the content. The video will be  exceeding the 10 minutes as well as the length of the song. However, until now, the video for 'The World of Mercy' has only being shown to our eyes in its limited version. T: We also have seen only that as well (laughs) K: We haven't seen anything more than that. We've only seen the short one, so with those, we still don't get the big picture of the video. That’s why we haven’t been able to do some exchange of opinions like ‘isn’t it really different?’ -That's too bad.Isn’t it something like (the situation) of La Sagrada Familia? T: Isn’t it? (laughs) After all, it seems it’s hard for Kondo to put everything together, because there are too many feelings or enthusiasm towards DIR EN GREY. I’m acting as his spokesman (laughs). But well, I’d like to ask you to do it faster (laughs) (Next part)

[trashyswitch]

Easter In The Sanders House

Thomas gets to celebrate Easter weekend with the sides! Patton plans a full day of Easter fun, which gets a little out of hand quickly thanks to Remus...But a dose of innocence should do him some good! (or 50 doses)

Some dirty talk and swearing because...Remus. Also, I have personally ruined my own childhood with this fanfic. -_- But I'll be okay. I promise! Happy Easter everyone!

Easter was usually a house favorite in the mind palace. Though it was a little different this year thanks to COVID, Thomas and the sides could still celebrate it together. They all lived in the same household, which helped a lot. And some of them were capable of conjuring up anything! So the sides could make just about anything if they put their minds to it.

The sides started off with decorating the house with easter stuff. Bits of it were homemade, some of it was conjured up, and a few of the decorations were bought. Example: the huge stuffed bunny. Thomas had bought a medium-sized bunny from Wal-mart, and Patton took it upon himself to make it even bigger! And…

...It ended up being 7 feet tall…

But Patton was LOVING it! He would cuddle it non-stop, ‘feed’ it stuffy carrots, and even brush its belly fur with an old hairbrush. It was quite endearing to watch, as well as a little strange. The father figure would even give it blankets and make it look like a jedi knight. It was actually quite hilarious to see the gigantic bunny looking like the Jawa without the double sash or the gun. Everyone both loved it, and hated it at the same time. Virgil even went as far as to say ‘That’s cursed’! And...he has a point.

The rest of the decorations were banners with hanging eggs, baskets filled with fake grass and plastic eggs, bouquets of real and fake flowers all over the place, and mini egg bowls around the house. There were even little bunnies popping out of mugs placed onto the dining table for decoration! That was Roman’s favorite decoration.

Just like he usually did, Patton set up a little Easter egg hunt of plastic eggs filled wih treats and other little things. This year however, Patton wanted to improvise with extra little items…

Thomas and all 6 of the sides were all ready with their own baskets. The sides’ baskets matched their clothes, while Thomas had a pink basket. Logan was the first to critique Patton’s childish games. “Patton...A little reminder that we’re all in our 30’s. We’re getting a little too old for-”

Patton looked at Logan with a ‘seriously?’ look and squeezed his side. “Hush your piehole. Santa may not exist but no one lets that stop us from celebrating Christmas.” Patton warned casually.

Logan jumped and moved a step away from Pat. “Fine. Touché.” Logan responded.

Roman and Remus both snapped their neck towards Patton. “SANTA DOESN’T EXIST?!”

Logan facepalmed and shook his head while Patton giggled into his hand. “On your mark silly geese!” Patton called. Everyone got into their push position to start running at the ready. “Get set...GO!”

Everyone started running around the house while Logan and Patton just walked. Patton was watching the six boys run around the house with their baskets. There were eggs literally everywhere! And some of them had chocolate, others had origami creations, A few had glitter, a few had cute quotes written in slips of papers like an easter fortune cookie, and other had…

“...An acorn?” Janus asked.

Logan looked over and widened his eyes. “That’s a chestnut oak acorn. They’re an oval-sized breed of acorn.” Logan told him. “They’re usually in more eastern states though. So how did you get it here?” Logan asked.

“I conjured it!” Patton replied. “Good thing you know your trees. You’re gonna enjoy the other eggs near there…” Patton hinted.

Logan looked around for the eggs, opened them up and gasped as he very gently removed it. “A butterfly wing!” Logan very delicately held it in his hand. “It’s...beautiful!” Logan admitted with a smile. Patton smiled happily upon seeing his reaction.

Virgil moved to his bedroom and noticed that there were eggs hidden in there. Virgil opened up, and laughed as he removed them from the plastic egg: They were pins! There was a pin with a salt shaker that said ‘Salty’ on it, a pin of a black cat standing on a skull, a pin of a black rose and a pin with a black cat holding a fish. They were so small and yet, so up his alley. There would end up being more pins, being enamel and backpack versions. It was nice and thoughtful. Sometimes there were dark parts about spring that Virgil enjoyed. And he was thankful that Patton advocated for him.

Logan was having a wonderful time looking at all the spring items hidden in the eggs. There were Chinese Lanterns, walnuts, strawberry seeds, and more! There were even tiny squares that when unravelled, revealed recipe’s that involved Crofter’s Jam! And he even managed to fit Crofters store coupons into the plastic eggs! Logan was smiling and hugging Patton. “Thank you very much Patton. I appreciate the many kind gestures. And I apologize for the insensitive words I said earlier. You can still find ways for 30 year old men to enjoy Easter.” Logan told him.

Patton giggled and hugged him back. “Oh! And one more thing:” Patton conjured up a bunny ear headband. Logan’s smile dropped and he hung his head. “Really? Bunny ears?” Logan asked with a small smile.

Patton giggled. “Do you not remember our promise? You promised during March break that you were gonna wear bunny ears!” Patton reminded him.

“I am aware of my promise, but I’m starting to regret making such a promise.” Logan admitted.

Patton rolled his eyes and put it onto his head. “Perfect! See? It’s not that bad.” Patton told him.

Logan looked up. “Fine. But would you potentially consider making the ears look more realistic?” Logan offered a compromise.

Patton nodded and touched the bunny ears. They turned into brown and white bunny ears, with a very light pink skin all over the inner ear flap. Logan conjured up a mirror, and smiled. “Thank you.” Logan replied.

Remus was running around, acting like a raccoon. “Look at me! I’m RJ! I eat garbage, steal from Karens and ruin people’s lives!” Remus declared.

Roman chuckled and fluffed Remus’s hair. “I feel like you’d be more of a Hammy.” Roman admitted.

Remus gasped and clapped his hands. “YES! I COULD STOP TIME WITH THE POWER OF CAFFEINE! AND THEN BURN PEOPLE TO SHREDS WITH ILLEGAL LASERS AND CAGES!” Remus shouted.

Roman snapped his fingers and ran to Patton’s basket. “We got you something!” Roman told him.

Patton turned around and squealed upon the present! There was a chocolate chick, a DVD copy of ‘Over the Hedge’, and a DVD copy of It’s ‘The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown!’. Patton happily took the DVD’s and the chocolate chick. “THANK YOU! YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!” Patton hugged as many people in one hug as his arms could. If his arms were stretchy like Elasticgirl’s, then maybe he could!

Later on, the family had a lovely Easter dinner. Cooked carrots, roast beef, baked potatoes and packaged gravy for it all. Patton and Thomas all worked together to make their supper, while Logan took some time to make a Crofter’s recipe he was given during the plastic egg hunt. With some time, Logan had whipped together what he called: Loganberry Crumble Squares. A simple recipe of rolled, layered oat crumble with Loganberry Crofter’s put into the middle of them! It tasted amazing! The recipe called for Gluten-free oats, but Logan just picked up regular oats for the recipe. No one was allergic to wheat. So, why worry?

After supper, the family gathered together to watch the Charlie Brown Easter Special. They enjoyed Marcie’s cute little ‘boiling eggs’ gags, and loved seeing Sally Brown and Snoopy playing with the hats! Patton died of cuteness overload at Snoopy and the bunnies dancing, and Janus admitted he felt bad that Snoopy didn’t have an egg for Charlie Brown.

Virgil looked at Janus. “Charlie rarely gets things. He has a best friend and a crush, but that’s about it. Lucy’s probably the reason he doesn’t have anything.” Virgil admitted.

“That’s true. But you gotta admit: Lucy and Shroeder are kinda cute together.” Roman added.

Thomas laughed. “That all depends on Schroeder falling for her as well.” Thomas added.

Logan sighed. “Poor Schroeder...she never leaves him alone. A life of Beethoven and piano playing is much better than a childish relationship with a girl like her.” Logan added.

Janus smirked. “Right! A relationship with Lucy will NEVER work. It’s not like she actually softens up to Charlie Brown near the end or anything...” Janus hinted.

Roman widened his eyes. “Wait, really?!”

Logan turned to him. “That’s true. I also realize she later develops a crush on Charlie near the end of the comic strips.” Logan added.

“So...So Schroeder and Lucy-”

Remus made a downward whistling sound while he lowered his finger and made an ‘explosion’ sound effect while expanding his hands. “But Charlie and Lucy:” Remus did a wolf-whistle before wrapping his own arms around himself and ‘making out’ with himself. “Oh Charlie! CHARLie! YeS!”

Roman gasped in horror while Thomas widened his eyes. “EW! You’re so disgusting! They’re 8!” Thomas yelled.

Roman had thrown Remus off the couch, leaving Remus rolling around on the floor in a fit of hysterics. Janus was snickering into his hand while Logan facepalmed himself. “THEHEY DIDN’T EVEN GEHEHET TO THE BEST PAHART!” Remus laughed.

Virgil groaned. “They don’t need to. This is why they need more than just teachers and shop owners in their community.” Virgil reacted.

Remus stopped laughing. “Why? Because Sally and Linus could be having fun at the back of the school yard?” Remus asked. “Virgil! You naughty, naughty man~”

Patton dropped his jaw and fixed his glasses with a frown. “That’s it! You need a big dose of innocence!” Patton declared, picking him up and dropping him onto the couch. He climbed onto him. “Starting with your hips!” Patton started digging his thumbs into his hips.

Remus’s naughty comeback was quickly overruled by his very own scream of surprise! “FAAAHAHAHACK!”

Patton smirked. “Language! Looks like I’m gonna need to up the ante!” Patton moved his hands to his lower, inner thighs and started squeezing and skittering.

“OHSHIT- GAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Remus completely lost it and just about kneed Patton in the face a few times! “STAAHAHAHAP! TOHOHOHO MUHUHUCH IHINNOCEHEHENCE!” Remus yelled.

Logan couldn’t help but smile at Patton’s way of handling him. He soon started smirking with Patton as well. “I’d almost say you should up this dose to lethal.” Logan offered.

Patton gasped and turned his head to look at Logan with an excited face. “You’re a genius!” Patton declared.

“And a change of lifestyle may even lessen the indecent behaviour. For example: consumptions of veggies and fruits…” Logan hinted.

Patton’s smirk grew so wide almost all his teeth were visible. “Oh! Fruits are a good one!”

Remus yelped in horror. “OHOHO NOHOHO, YOHOHOU’RE NOHOHOT FILLIHIHING MEHEHE WITH SWEETNEHEHESS!” Remus warned.

Patton looked at Remus with a confident facial expression. “Are you suggesting something more sour? Like...raspberries?” Patton asked.

Remus squealed! And he only heard the word! “NOHOHOHO! NORASPBERRIHIES! BEHEHEGOHOHONE!” Remus ordered. “IHIHI OHOHORDER YOHOU TO-”

Patton took in a deep breath and blew a big raspberry onto Remus’s inner thigh.

Remus squealed and screamed like a bat in severe distress! “AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! AAHAHAHA PAHAHAHAHAHA!” Remus screamed.

“My goodness Remus! You sound like you’re dying! What could possibly be so funny?!” Patton asked.

Janus smirked. “It couldn’t possibly be the thought of playboy magazines or babies making love.” Janus teased, just riling up Patton even more.

Patton clicked his tongue in disappointment. “My my my...I suppose even the smaller doses won’t stop you from your addictive thoughts...Perhaps you really DO need a lethal dose of innocence!” Patton admitted.

Remus was struggling. “WAHAHAIT NO! IHIHI DOHOHON’T! THISIS BAHAHAD EHEHENOHOHOUGH!”

Patton hummed. “Well, guess there’s only one way to test if it’s working!” Patton decided. Patton removed his fingers and let Remus have a break. Remus let in heavy breaths at first, to conquer his loss of oxygen. But within two minutes…

“Hehey, hey Janus:” Remus asked.

Janus looked over. “Yes?”

“Imagine Marcie being spicy for Peppermint Patty~” Remus made a sexy roaring sound.

Patton was immediately at him again. “Time for the second lethal dose, you stubborn pickle!” Patton declared quickly.

Thomas wheezed and hung his head. “Did you just call him a pickle?” Thomas asked, laughing.

“Yes I did! Because he’s being a green, sour dick!” Patton declared. While Thomas questioned his ears and sanity, Patton started blowing raspberry after raspberry on Remus’s thigh.

Remus was absolutely losing it! “AHAHAHIHIHIHIHI CAHAHAHAHAN’T! AAAAHAHAHAHA NOHOHOHOHO *snort* DAHAHAHAMMIHIHIHIHIT!”

Thomas quickly whipped his head around to see where the unusual sound came from.

Patton had widened his eyes and covered his mouth. “You SNORT?!” he asked, stopping his tickling momentarily.

Remus took a quick moment to breathe and nodded his head. “Ihihi- Ialways hahahave.”

Patton looked at Roman. Roman nodded and shrugged his shoulders. “It’s true. He snorted when he was little too.” Roman admitted.

Patton looked at Roman curiously. “What about you?” Patton asked.

Roman hummed and tilted his head. “Me?”

Patton started staring at Roman with suspicious eyes. “......Logan, get him.” Patton told him.

Logan wrapped his arms around Roman and immediately went for the belly. “Way ahead of you.”

Roman squealed and threw his head back with bubbly giggles coming out. Despite Remus’s laugh sounding more witch-like, The twins’ laughter sounded fairly similar to each other. So now both twins were being tickled for separate reasons; Remus’s being ‘constant potty mouth’ while Roman’s being ‘kept secrets’.

“LOHOHohohoho! Meheheheheaniihihie! Lehehehet mehehehe gohohohoho!”

“PAHAHAT! *snort* IHIHIHI’M GOHOHONNA *snort* KIHIHILL YOHOHOHOU!”

Patton gasped at Remus’s words. “Threatening me as well!? My goodness...You really don’t learn, do you?” he teased. Patton blew one raspberry on his left thigh, and two raspberries on his right thigh.

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAAA-” With one last snort, Remus finally went silent. He couldn’t really breathe very well at this point and was growing very red. So Patton gave him a break and got off him. Remus took some time getting his oxygen back. It felt great to be able to breathe again. He tried to breathe fairly heavily to get oxygen in faster. With due time, he slowly lost his tomato face and started turning more peach-colored again. With a bottle of water from Patton, Remus was pretty much okay. He was smiling and still slightly giggling after he finished the bottle.

“Are you done with your silly jokes yet?” Patton asked.

Remus lifted his head up, took one look at him and let his head fall back down. “M...Maybe for a bit.” Remus replied.

Patton smiled. “Good.”

Remus laid there for a few more minutes while he took in the sound of Roman’s giggly laughter. Logan was STILL tickling him but this time, he was pinning one arm up and tickling his armpit. To make things even better, Roman was starting to snort as well. And Patton was living for it!

“It’s truly fascinating how both twins have developed a snorty laugh.” Logan added.

“Shuhuhuhut uhuhuhup! *snort* Ehehehevihihihil fiehehehend!” Roman yelled to him.

Logan raised his eyebrows. “Evil? You think I’m being evil?” Logan asked.

“Yehehehehessss! Ehehehevihihil Ihihihi- *snort* Ihihi sahahahayhy!” Roman shot back.

Logan chuckled at that. “I am being much more merciful and gentle to you, compared to how Patton was treating Remus.” Logan explained.

“Yohohohou’re tihihicklihihing mehehehe *snort* fohohor noho reheheasohohon!” Roman protested.

Logan rolled his eyes. “Actually, we did have a reason to tickle you. We just didn’t tell you what it was.” Logan added.

“We wanted to see if you snorted too!” Patton declared.

Logan looked at Patton. “Hey! I was gonna tell him when he stopped insulting me with his childish names.” Logan reacted.

Patton snickered. “He was gonna find out anyway. Minus well do it now!” Patton declared, closing his eyes with a proud smile.

Logan sighed. “You’re no fun.” Logan whined.

Patton opened his eyes and opened his mouth in surprise. What did he just say?! “I...After all I planned for easter-”

Thomas quickly put his hands on Patton’s shoulders. “Patton, don’t listen to Logan. You are tons of fun! You planned all this for us, and for that we’re so grateful.” Thomas told him.

Janus, Remus, Virgil, Roman and even Logan nodded. Logan paused the tickling for a moment while Roman sat up.

“Thank you Patton!” All six of them said happily at the same time!

Patton smiled and couldn’t stop himself from tearing up. “You’re welcome guys.” Patton hugged Thomas. Virgil joined the hug as well, followed by Remus.

With that out of the way and Patton cheered up again, Logan resumed tickling Roman for a little longer before letting the prince breathe. Roman’s loss of oxygen was much more minor compared to Remus. But that was only because Remus wouldn’t stop doing the one thing that granted him tickles. Maybe it was because Remus wanted tickles? Or maybe it was because Remus has a legitimate addiction to it.

Whatever the reason, Remus was quick to start up his grotesque headcanons about the Peanuts Characters. This would further ruin Patton’s childhood and cause Remus further fits of ticklish laughter. Perhaps they could consider a new, more effective treatment for dirty language?

Or...maybe not. Remus seems to like it. And no one would wanna ruin his fun! Happy Easter indeed.

[wroammin]

a hero’s welcome

word count: 1445

warnings: self-loathing, panic attacks, crying, slight gore (because remus)

summary: roman hides out in his room after the events of putting others first. the other sides try to show him how much he’s missed in their own special ways.

once again, happy birthday to the man, the myth, the himbo: roman sanders

it takes weeks for roman to come out of his room after janus reveals his name.

the others worry almost constantly about his well-being, but after multiple failed attempts at convincing him to come out for movie nights, video recordings, or even just food, they can only hope that roman will come around on his own eventually.

and he does. slowly.

it starts with a few missing disney movies from the TV cabinet, a half-eaten jar of logan’s off-limits crofter’s (which both logan & remus swear they did not touch) left mysteriously on the kitchen counter, and then, on one particularly late night for logan, a brief, silent encounter with a bleary-eyed prince in search of a cup of water.

logan notices roman is looking more bedraggled than bedazzled, with wrinkles running all across his costume and dark-colored bags under his eyes that are eerily reminiscent of virgil’s eyeshadow.

no words are exchanged, but as logan carefully hands roman a glass which he’s filled nearly to the brim, roman knows no words are necessary. he can practically recite logan’s self-care spiel by memory anyway.

eventually, the disney movie collection in the TV cabinet dwindles down to a Frozen DVD (which they’d all recently rewatched anyway), and the old, dusty VHS copy of Black Cauldron (which roman’s never particularly liked). seeing as it’s his personal favorite disney movie, virgil tries not to feel too offended by that.

what virgil can’t stop himself from feeling, however, is worry. it’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him, of course, but it doesn’t make him any less uncomfortable.

he tries all of the usual things to calm his nerves: sitting on strange surfaces, fiddling with a fidget cube, rewatching The Nightmare Before Christmas, napping excessively, and—naturally—blasting music through his bulky headphones.

but even with My Chemical Romance screaming out of his speakers, virgil simply can’t ignore the alarming absence of that familiar, sash-framed figure. 

despite his quarrelsome quips with the prince, virgil can admit that there’s always been a certain... comfort to hearing roman’s boisterous voice belting broadway ballads down the halls, or seeing him dash off on another adventure to defeat the dragon witch for the umpteenth time. 

it’s when virgil’s sullenly staring at roman’s usual spot, in the corner of his room, that an idea suddenly strikes him. 

the next morning, roman sneaks down to the living room in the early hours of the day after deciding that rewatching Frozen (again) doesn’t sound so bad after all. he opens the movie cabinet to find a bit of a surprise in the form of a The Nightmare Before Christmas DVD with a scrap of paper taped hastily to the cover. the chicken scratch scrawled onto the sheet is hard to decipher, but he manages to see it reads:

“i have my own backup copy and i’ll hit play at 8pm tonight. you can do it too, so then we can sort of watch the movie together. i’ll let you pick tomorrow’s movie, if you want to, but fyi i will be picking black cauldron the next time it’s my turn. -virgil”

roman smiles subtly as he makes his way back up to his room, the first flicker of joy he’s felt in a while.

he sits down to watch the movie at 8pm, just like virgil instructed. 

for the next night, he chooses aladdin, and for the night after that, he begrudgingly agrees to watch black cauldron. 

twenty minutes into the film, virgil hears a haste knock at his door. before he even knows what’s happening, roman is shuffling inside and curling up on the couch next to him. 

unsurprisingly, the tired prince falls asleep before the movie finishes. surprisingly, virgil doesn’t actually mind all that much. 

meanwhile, patton has nearly eaten his way through the entire cookie stock in the pantry.

it’s not a healthy coping mechanism for his sadness, he knows, but it’s not like he can just go and ask roman to conjure up some puppies for him instead. patton sniffles at the thought, which serves as a painful reminder of how roman was always there for him when he was feeling down, and how patton can’t do the same for him now.

the others hold an intervention for him after logan finds him sobbing over some reheated spaghetti because it made him think of roman. virgil then explains how he’s been watching movies with roman, and how patton can leave some snacks for the prince in the cabinet along with a note if he wants to send a message. 

that very night, patton stays up past midnight to prepare some spaghetti with extra, extra love (& cumin) for roman. he draws him a card and writes a message inside, then sticks it to the top of the tupperware container containing the spaghetti using glitter glue. 

upon discovering patton’s care package beside virgil’s usual note inside the cabinet, roman feels his mood suddenly shift.

he thinks of the days he spent sobbing for hours inside of his room and staring in the mirror and pacing back and forth and staring in the mirror and laying on his bed and staring in the mirror and working through the tears and staring in the mirror and then slicing a line clean through the mirror with his sword and watching his reflection split in two.

those weren’t good days.

but then he thinks of patton’s pleading, hopeful voice whenever he would call him down for movie nights, video recordings, or food.

maybe patton wasn’t lying when he said roman was loved. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to see him and the others out in the open again. maybe there were better days ahead.

remus, however, doesn’t wait around for roman to feel better. as always, he continuously swings by his brother’s room whenever he feels like it and leaves whenever he pleases.

still, his visits aren’t as fun anymore. perhaps he just doesn’t have the energy, but roman no longer bothers to shriek at remus to get out of his room or to push remus off his desk when he drapes himself across it.

not even the severed, mutilated head that remus kindly leaves on roman’s pillow elicits its usual slew of creative curse words, so the duke decides to step up his game.

he skips casually into roman’s room one late afternoon, lazily swinging his morning star at his side and whistling a jaunty tune. as usual, roman doesn’t spare him a single glance. he’s staring down at some kind of crayon-covered card.

it only takes one hit to knock roman out, but dragging him into the living room is a much more difficult process.

the other sides are already waiting, just like janus promised they would be. they rush over and prop roman up on the couch. patton gives remus a few reprimanding words, virgil sends him a couple scowls, and even logan looks on with more disapproval than usual, but they quickly forget their anger at him as soon as roman groans groggily and slowly blinks open his eyes.

remus takes that as his cue to leave. janus is waiting at the top of the stairs.

“so you’re sure that this plan of yours is going to work?”

janus scoffs. “of course i am. though, have you considered that perhaps you’re just not as annoying to your brother anymore?”

“have you considered that perhaps i could start leaving chopped heads on your pillow instead if your ‘master plan’ fails?” remus shoots him the prettiest, toothiest smile he can muster.

janus’ expression darkens. “well. i suppose it’s a good thing i’m certain it will work, then.”

the sound of laughter bubbles up from the living room. janus doesn’t bother to hide his satisfied smirk.

“i’ll say, when you told me you could help me get roman back to normal, forcing him to attend a party was not what i had in mind.”

“do i even want to know what you had in mind?” janus gives him a quick side glance.

remus’ eyes light up. “well–”

“rhetorical question, remus. ugh, maybe i should start saying ‘figuratively’, as well. anyway, yes, i thought it was about time roman stopped sulking. so, what better way to get him out of his room than by having a, uh, hero’s welcome of sorts for him?”

“well, i got him out of his room by dragging him by his feet.”

janus sighs, wondering why he even opens his mouth to speak anymore. 

his plan better work.

though, judging by the sound of patton and logan’s exhasperated sighs as roman and virgil argue over which movie to watch, he has the sneaking suspicion it will.

[westerberg]

tagged by @officialglenntilbrook 😘💞💖❤️🥂

1. what is the first song you remember hearing? Oh man uhh... i remember my my dad playing the video for... oops i did it again I think? by britney spears and i was very obsessed with it. if i saw the video I would know but i don’t feel like doing that. hard to say if that is my earliest memory of music tho. i remember listening to the R.E.M. In Time greatest hits in the car late at night and feeling weird out of body as Man on the Moon came on. i like that story better but I have no idea when that memory is from. i also feel like i heard my mom singing along with Sarah McLaughlin or Norah Jones a lot when i was very young.

2. what is the first band you got into? hmm... i  really loved Bon Jovi when I was very young but i didn’t like. have any knowledge of them or their discography I just liked slippery when wet and their greatest hits. and also thats embarrassing so i am trying to think of an out... probably the first real musical obsession i had was lana del rey when I was 14 /15 but thats also not great. just take the L buddy... i didnt actually get into music i would now consider very good until about 16.

3. do you collect any physical music? during quar i started trolling ebay and other similar sites for cheap cds and I have gotten a pretty good collection! you would be shocked the number of people who just really do not want to have their R.E.M. albums anymore. I have a few vinyls- a couple of cheap Joni records, Station to Station, the mats Dead Mans Pop boxset thing, and the R.E.M. single So. Central Rain. Oh and I have a very cool cd single of beastie boys body movin’. I also have a collection of cassettes that used to belong to my mom- she passed 5 yrs ago so they are very special to me! she had some R.E.M., U2, Eurythmics, Squeeze, Crowded House, Indigo Girls, and I recently dug up a bootlegged Tracy Chapman tape! she might have some more at her childhood home and if I find a tape of murmur i’ll like blackout. the sad thing is that now I really like all these musicians my mom apparently liked but i was not into them when she was alive so :/ figuring things out feels like archeology. was listening to In Time greatest hits the other day and was like she definitely skipped E-Bow the Letter every time it came on lol bc i did not hear this song until like last year.

4. what is your favourite piece of music memorabilia? do you know that picture of R.E.M. where they are all holding roses like they are all going to the prom together? i scored a poster of that off Ebay for the incredible deal of $50!! a deal at any price :) I don’t have much that is like legit valuable lol. But here you have to see the picture

5. what's your favourite concert you've ever been to? hmm i havent really been to any truly mindblowing concerts I don’t think. I got to see Tommy Stinson play an acoustic set at 7th street entry in 2019 which was very cool. I feel crazy saying thats my favorite but it was incredibly special.

6. if you could see one artist who is no longer alive in concert, who would it be? If you ask right now I would probably have to say Replacements with Bob Stinson. Prince would be a close one

7. have you met any musicians? almost! when i went to see tommy stinson, afterwards he was hanging in a bar next to the club and was taking selfies with people. i kept thinking about getting in line and eventually i decided to just do it. when i finally went to go look for him he was deep in a conversation with someone and I also realized i had nothing intelligent to say, so i sat and stared at him talking for a bit until i left and went back to the show.

8. what is your go to album when you're feeling sad? Tim by the mats! i think i maybe listened to this album every day my senior year of high school. it is legitimately strange how I feel as if this album just knows me very well. everyone says this about the mats but every song feels like it’s about me and my life. I think a perk of being a lower middle class Minnesotan with an alcoholic father is just really really getting the replacements. but i guess it depends on the kind of sad I am. If i’m just looking to be cheered up i might go with Lifes Rich Pageant or Green by R.E.M. because invariably by the end of Tim I will be bummed out !

9. what is your go to album when you're feeling happy? somehow this is a very hard question. Radio City by Big Star was a big one for me when i was still on campus. maybe an obvious one but rubber soul is a good being happy album

10. what is one music documentary you love? the doc Every Everything about Grant Hart from Hüsker Dü is a favorite. it’s just all interview with him and he’s a fascinating guy. I’ve never watched an interview with him where i wasn’t like woah u’re smart :0... the director of that also did a good replacements doc but at certain point with mats journalism im just like well i could’ve just read trouble boys.

11. what is one concert DVD you love? I think I only own one concert DVD, Prince’s Lovesexy show which i was very obsessed with back in high school.

12. do you prefer listening to playlists or albums? i prefer albums usually, sometimes i’m in the mood for a playlist but albums are def superior

13. do you prefer to listen to albums in order or on shuffle? in order !!!! What am i a psychopath

14. what is your favourite deep cut song by your favourite artist? Portland by the mats is a top ten song of theirs. very in character for it to be a b-side i’m not even mad

15. what is your favourite cd/cassette/vinyl you own in terms of packaging? I love the inner sleeve of my Grandpaboy cd which is just Paul Westerberg’s doodles and scribblings. sometimes when i buy stuff off of ebay it comes with notes and stuff too which is my favorite. my copy of suicaine gratifaction came with a very sweet note of how much the previous owner loved it. and my copy of mbv’s loveless has this very hard to read note which i can maybe make out half of. if you can read it please translate for me.

i love being tagged but if you do not want to answer 15 long questions do not feel pressured! i shall tag @the-replacemints @pattismithgender @myfcukingrat @willemdafoeplscallmemynumberis @little-rimbaud @milesofsmiles97 @electrofolk 🤙😜💘

[rainydaydream-gal18]

Steve Rogers x Reader: The Nutcracker (AU) Part 1

[Author’s Note:  Sooooo I started this story last year and never got around to finishing it, so I ended up taking the parts I’d written off tumblr.  This time, I finally wrote an end to this story and felt like it’d be a nice thing to post around the holidays.

It’s an Avengers fanfic, but it’s the story of the Nutcracker (more like the Barbie one where the reader is not a little girl lol)

Warning, these are long]

   With a sigh, you watched the clock tick from a spot on the floral-patterned couch as you fiddled with a pencil and blank sheet of paper and thought of something to draw.  Your younger brother busied himself playing with the action figures your grandparents got him as a Christmas Eve present.  He was so spoiled it drove you crazy.  It seemed he got everything he wanted at the drop of a hat.  Grandparents are supposed to spoil you a little, but it felt like everyone took part in spoiling him.  Meanwhile, you worked hard and tried to earn what you wanted on your own.

      Your grandfather entered the sitting room, pocket watch in hand.  “Your Aunt Lily has arrived,” he announced.  “Why don’t you kids help her with the bags?”

     He was so cute.  To him, the two of you would always be “kids.”  You immediately got off the couch to help, but paused.

    “_(brother’s name),” you called to your brother.  He glanced up from his action figures.  “Are you going to help?”

    He resumed moving the action figures around.  “I’ll be there in a minute.”  Translation in little brother language: Never.

   Sensing your irritation, your grandpa nodded.  “I appreciate you helping out, Gumdrop.  Thank you.”

    You couldn’t be upset anyway because Aunt Lily was here!  She was definitely the cool aunt that took you out shopping and encouraged you to be yourself.  You had actually formed a friendship as you grew more mature.  Only problem is, she was almost constantly trying to interest you with a guy.  Every Christmas it was the same thing; her gesturing to handsome strangers and giving you suggestive looks.  Still, she was very fun to be around.

    “____________!” she greeted as you emerged from the hallway into your grandparents’ kitchen where some of the relatives gathered to welcome her.  “There’s my favorite niece!  Merry Christmas.”

    “Merry Christmas!” You said with a laugh as she pulled you into a big hug.  After a long squeeze, Aunt Lily released you.  “How was the trip?”

    “It was good!  Long, but good.”

    “Awesome,” you nodded.  “Let me help you with your things.”

   “You’re such a sweetheart,” she grinned.  “There are a few goodies in the trunk of my car if you don’t mind grabbing them for me.  Thank you so much!”  You grinned back and headed to the front door to slide on your boots.  A part of you hated stepping out into the snowy afternoon.  The icy winds chilled you to the bone instantly, but seeing everything clad in sparkling white was worth it.  You folded your arms and hurried past the dozen cars belonging to other relatives until you reached Aunt Lily’s.  After retrieving the big Christmas bags and a suitcase, you locked the car and went inside.

   “I think that’s everything,” you stated, kicking the snow off your boots at the doormat.  Some snow may have gotten on your Captain America socks.  Ugh.

   “Thank you again!”  Aunt Lily took a few bags off your hands.  As you helped her put gifts under the tree, you both got caught up.  She told you about her most recent road trip, the hotel she stayed at and even the celebrity she ran into, while you listed in wonder.  In turn, you told her about college and all the latest friend group drama.  After everything was unpacked, Aunt Lily reached under the tree and picked out a wrapped gift.  “This,” she began, handing it to you, “is for you.  An early Christmas gift from me.”

   “Oh,” you smiled.  “Thank you!”  You in turn grabbed a particular gift from under the tree and handed it to her.  “This is for you!”

    She gave you a kiss on the cheek.  “You’re such a sweetie.”

    After unloading the remaining things from her car, you found a quiet place away from the family hustle and bustle to open your gift from her.  Your brother came running into the room.

   “Look what Aunt Lily got me!”  He held up a box of building blocks set.  The picture on the front of the box showed what the finished product would look like.  This one resembled superhero compound, complete with the heroes in figurine form.  “What did you get, ___________?” He asked as he climbed over into your personal space.  But of course, he couldn’t leave you in peace for five minutes.

   You rolled your eyes.  “I don’t know yet, bro, I haven’t had the chance to open it yet.”

   “Oh,” he shrugged.  “Well then, carry on.”

   With a few rips, you tore through the wrapping paper like you had when you were a kid just for fun.  As soon as you saw the red, white, and blue shield you gasped.  

   It was a Captain America themed nutcracker!  He was so adorable too!  His outfit was red-white, and blue, and sort of looked more like the usual princely garb a nutcracker would wear instead of his usual costume, but he held the shield in one hand.

   “Oh wow!  This is so neat!”  You exclaimed.  

   “I’m so glad you like it,” Aunt Lily said.  She had entered the room to watch your reaction.  It was no secret that you went crazy for this sort of thing.  You were a total geek when it came to Marvel movies as well as Marvel-related merch, and you were proud.

   “I wanna see!”  Your brother whined as he struggled to reach for it.

   “__(brother’s name)__,” Aunt Lily scolded.  “That is ____________’s.  I got you something of your own.  Why don’t you go put it together?”

   He immediately became preoccupied with his own project, and you mouthed the words “thank you” to your aunt.  A dazzling smile played on her lips in response.  She was the coolest.

   The whole family squeezed into your grandparents’ dining room for dinner. It was a lively meal with people chatting and catching up.  Some relatives lived far away and could only visit a few times a year, so this was kind of a big deal.  You were asked a million questions about college, your part-time job, and friends. You filled everyone in on the deets about classes and the part-time job you got working at the local bookstore.

   “We’re so proud of you,” Aunt Lily said, and you couldn’t help but grin back. That was always nice to hear.

   “This one is so smart.  Always has her nose in a book, whether it is for school or just because she enjoys reading,” your mother said.  You blushed at the attention.

   “That’s good,” your grandma said.  “Keep it up.  Keep learning.”

   A few conversations later, the family went to their rooms to get changed into pajamas for the evening.  There would be a Christmas movie or two in the living room shortly.  Since your brother was the youngest in the family, he got to pick the movie.  The two of you exchanged knowing looks, and he chose Polar Express.

   “Yesss!” you gave him a big hug.

   As much as the two of you could be annoyed with each other, he was still your brother.  Both of you sat next to each other in pajamas and shared a bowl of popcorn as your grandpa tried to figure out how to work the DVD player.  Technology had developed to the point where any movie could be accessed digitally in an instant, and he was still trying to understand how DVD players worked.  You felt bad, but you and your brother tried to hold back giggles.

   At the start of the movie, you were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  As it progressed though, you began to feel tired. Before you knew it, you were drifting off to sleep.

   - - - - 

   “I’m sorry, __________,” someone sobbed.  You were awake instantly, blinking your eyes open.  The living room was empty.  It was after midnight, and everyone must have gone to bed already. The TV was off, but a cozy fire warmed the room with a dim light from the fireplace.  You rubbed your eyes and focused on your brother who stood in front of you, crying.

   “What?  What’s wrong?” you asked with a sigh.

   “I...I didn’t mean to do it.  I just wanted to play…”

   Your eyes went from his teary eyes to what he held in his hand.  It was your Captain America nutcracker.  His arm had been twisted at an odd angle.  Your brother held the shield, which had broken off, in his other hand.  Your first instinct was to get angry.

   “What did you do?” you demanded.  “You shouldn’t have been playing with him in the first place. Aunt Lily gave him to me.  You got your own present!”            

   “I know, I’m sorry,” he cried.  “I didn’t mean to break him.”

   You sighed again.  It was apparent he really felt bad, and you knew he would never have broken something of yours on purpose.

   “It’s okay,” you said finally.  “Well, it’s not okay, but I forgive you.  Thank you for coming to me instead of trying to hide it.”

   Relief washed over his face that you weren’t going to freak out on him, but he still showed signs of guilt.  “I can get you a new one.”

   “No, no, that’s okay.  This one is special from Aunt Lily, and I’m not going to give up on him just because he had a little rough patch.”  You gently took the nutcracker from your brother.  “You don’t give up on people just because they’re broken.”  

   You focused your attention on the Captain America nutcracker in hand.  He still needed a little fixing.  Your brother went and fetched some glue from the miscellaneous drawer in the kitchen. You used a ribbon from the package Aunt Lily gave your earlier to make a sort of temporary sling to keep the nutcracker’s arm in place.  You looked into his painted blue eyes and smiled.  They seemed to sparkle now.  Perhaps they had always been this bright, and you just hadn’t noticed before.

   Your brother returned with the glue, and helped you reattached the shield. He did a good job.

   “There,” you said.  “He’s looking pretty good.”

   “Yeah, he is.”  Your brother agreed.  Then, he wiggled his eyebrows.  “Good enough to kiss?”

   You gave him a look.

   “What?  I heard you talking to your friend on the phone once.  I know you think Captain America is ‘hawt,’ so don’t even deny it.”

   You rolled your eyes and grabbed the nearest couch pillow to fling at his face. “Alright, you just ruined the brother-sister bonding moment.”

   He stuck his tongue out at you.

   “What are you, two years old?” You threw another couch pillow.  “Anyway, it’s late.  I’m going back to sleep.”  You gathered the pillows again and fluffed them up before lying back down on the couch.  “I think I’ll stay out here and enjoy the fire.”

   “Okay, I’m going to my room,” your brother said.  “Goodnight, thanks for not killing me.”

   “Goodnight,” you opened a sleepy eye to watch him leave the room.  Then, you chuckled.  “Oy, I’m tired…”

               - - - -

   Crash.  You were ripped from a cozy, deep slumber to the sound of glass shattering.  A loud bang sounded.  More glass shattered.  You would have blamed your grandparents’ cat if it weren’t for the fact that they haven’t had a cat in years.

   That’s when you really woke up.  Fear gripped you as the sounds came from behind the couch, near the Christmas tree. It had to be an intruder.  But what the hay were they doing near the tree? Stealing presents?  A part of you was scared to look.  Still, you slowly and quietly poked your head up just enough to peek over the back of the couch.

   What you saw amazed and horrified you.

   Your Captain America nutcracker was launching his shield at what looked like a miniature Chitauri.

   “What the actual heck?” you whispered.

   The Chitauri was decapitated, but another leapt out from behind the Christmas tree.  The nutcracker charged at him and engaged in hand-to-hand combat.   More jumped in, and he fought them off skillfully.  But he didn’t seem to notice another sneaking up behind him.

   You weren’t sure what came over you.  Whether this was a dream or not, you did not want to see Captain America get mauled by one of those creepy things.  You hurried around the couch.

   “Watch out!” you called out, and fortunately, you reached him in time. Without thinking, you stomped your foot. Ew.  There might be creepy chitauri gunk under your slipper now…

   Your nutcracker looked up at you, his painted blue eyes seemingly sparkled more now.

   “Thanks,” he said.

   “No problem…” You managed a smile and a shrug.  This was crazy.  It had to be a dream.

   He seemed to sense your unease.  “This must be strange for you,” he said as he resumed fighting oncoming enemies.  “I will explain soon.”

   “Sure,” you nodded, biting your lip as you noticed a particularly large group of chitauri crowding around your feet.  It was no trouble.  A few swift kicks sent them all flying.  

   “Hm, darling,” a strangely familiar voice spoke.  “This isn’t going to work…I cannot afford any flaws in my plan.”

   “Loki?” you said in disbelief.  “But it’s been years since the first Avengers came out…Why are you still the bad guy?”

   He emerged from behind the tree, a little shorter than your Captain America nutcracker, except he had used his illusion abilities to look like a mouse. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.  “However, I do know that you are getting in the way.  You’re too tall, I’d rather you be small…” He waved his scepter, and suddenly everything around you began to grow.  

   Or rather, it was you who was shrinking.  

   The chitauri that were coming at your feet so pitifully became more of a threat as you reached their eye level.  You squeaked as they crowded you, one grabbing your arm.  Just then, a few of them roared and began to back off.

   Your nutcracker came barreling into the mob, quickly wrapping a wooden arm around you and pulling you from the danger.

   “Y-you rescued me,” you gasped.  “Thank you!”

   “Of course,” he replied.  “But don’t thank me yet, _________.”  He released you, but kept holding your hand as he raced away.  “We’ve got to get out of here and back to the Kingdom.”

   “What?”

   “Yes, to find the Sugarplum Princess.  She’s the only one who can change you back and rescue us all from the Wannabe Mouse King.”

   “Oh, goodie.”  You clung to him as he leaped up onto a tree branch.  “And how do we find this Sugar Pear-“

      “Sugarplum Princess,” he corrected gently.  “And I’m not sure.”  The two of you became the climb up the tree.  You had done some tree-climbing as a kid, but this was something else.  

      You wondered why the heck the two of you were climbing the tree if you needed to get back to this “Kingdom.”  Your nutcracker remained at your side, ensuring you didn’t fall whenever your foot slipped on a branch.

   “We have to get to the star of the tree,” he said, as if reading your thoughts.  “It’s our way out.”

   Behind you, a few chitauri-minions began climbing too.  The Mouse King with Loki’s voice shouted commands and threats to them as you and the nutcracker managed to reach the top.

   The star looked so big and bright to you in this size.  Was it just you, or….was it glowing brighter?

   Nutcracker-Steve ushered you closer to the star.  He took your hand in his and touched it to the star.  With that, there was a flash of light, a sensation of falling, and suddenly you felt chilly.

   Opening your eyes, you saw a blanket of white stretching out miles and miles before you.  Snowy mountains stood strong and beautiful to the left of the scene, and a frozen lake far on the right.

   “W-where are we?  This does not look like my grandparents’ living room.”

   “This is the Kingdom,” Steve said.  “This is what I’m fighting to protect.  The Mouse King desperately wants to rule over this place and its people, but we can’t let that happen.  I’ve already wandered so far off track.”

   You had to admit it was beautiful here.  Everything was coated in sparkling light, resembling Narnia when the Pevensie children first arrived.  Only you got here through a tree star, not a wardrobe.  And it was still night here.

   “So, what do we do?” you asked, hugging yourself to try and retain some warmth. Steve’s painted eyes seemed to soften sympathetically.

   “I’m sorry about the cold.  Well, I’m sorry about all of this, actually.”

   “It’s fine. You can’t really help it.” Your breath rose up in a cloud through the air with each word.

   “I’ll tell you what,” he said, running a wooden hand down your arm in a pointless attempt to warm you.  “We’ll head to the nearest town for some warm clothes and supplies.  Then we need to find out where the Sugarplum Princess is.”

   “Sure, it seems I don’t have much choice.  I might freeze to death otherwise,” you mumbled.  Steve attached his shield to his back and began trekking through the snow.  You followed in his footsteps, hoping to avoid getting lots of snow in your slippers. Unfortunately, it was inevitable. Before long, snow had gotten into your slippers and melted around your feet, making them ice-cold.  The snow began to pick up, and it seemed to become a blizzard.

   “The Mouse King knows we’re here,” Steve shouted to you.  “He’s trying to make things more difficult.”

   “But of course he has ice powers,” you complained, teeth chattering.

   Not much longer after that, you saw a warm light in the distance.  It glowed faintly through the intense snowfall. The sight of it alone made you think of warm blankets and clothes, sitting comfortable and dry by a fireplace. Oh, you hoped they’d be welcoming.

   “Almost there, _________,” Steve told you.  “We’re almost there.  Hang in there.”

PART 2

[popculturebuffet]

Pinky and the Brain: A Pinky And the Brain Christmas Review or I Just Think Schotzie’s Neat

Christmas Continues on this blog... and getting away from one set of Christmas commissions and into another, I offered my friend Blahdiddy three commissions as a present. The other two we’ll get to eventually, but with Animaniacs on the brain, heh, due to the reboot, he selected two Pinky and the Brains and one Animaniacs for me to cover. And while I intended to cover this one sometime this month anyway, my friend’s recent and sad covid diagnosis meant i’m bumping this one all the way up to the front of the line so he has some christmas cheer during this rough time. So with that in mind let’s talk about pinky, pinky and the brain brain brain brain brain shall we? Of course we can’t really talk about pinky and the brain without talking about Animaniacs. I absolutely love the series, I grew up with it as a kid and reconnected with it as an adult when it ended up on netflix. It was smart, well animated and most importantly really fucking funny. I highly recommend checking both the original and reboot of it out some time if you have Hulu. Speaking of the reboot while I might go on in full about it at some point it’s pretty good, with some creatvie jokes, some nice updates, with Rita Anita Anrita being a great new addition to the warner side of things. It’s only real flaw is it gets a bit reptitious as for the most part there’s only really the warners and pinky and the brain with a few exceptions one of which DAMN well deserved at least two segments and we all know which one that is. 

Bring.. this.. to series. The warners and pinky and the brain segments weren’t bad, but as is inevitible in a screwball comedy some just weren’t as good as others and those fell harder when you’ve already seen 2 or 3 better versions of this sort of skit in the season. They did really find their groove towards the end and if you like both Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain, or even just one or the other, it’s worth checking out.  But enough about the reboot let’s talk about those labratory mice whose genes have been spliced. Thanks to wikipedia, I now know the duo were based on Eddie Fitzgerald and Tom Minton, who worked with Tom Rutgeter on Tiny Toon adventures, with menton being the one who came up with Narf, even saying it in one episode of Tiny Tunes. During the creation of animaniacs, Bruce Timm, yes THE Bruce Timm, sketched the two, and Ruetger added mouse ears and the rest was history. Maurice LaMarche was the one who added the Orson Welles to the character, as LaMarche saw the Orson Welles in Brain, ran with it and got the part and a long and storied career in voice acting as a result. In a nice and fitting bit of contrast, Rob Paulsen got the part.. because he was already on the show. Not to downplay Paulsen’s clear talent, I just find it hilarious. 

That’s about what I could dig up on the behind the scenes of the show. From what I can tell it was greenlit because Animaniacs was a massive it, and Pinky and the Brain was the most popular segment, so it just made sense. The show would likewise be a massive sucess with both adults and kids, and go on for three seasons and what should legally be considered a war crime. 

For those of you blissfully unaware yeah, that happened, no no one people actually LIKED from Tiny Toons was in it. And yeah if you want me to talk about it commission it otherwise not going near this one. While I do need to tackle more bad animation... I’ve successfully avoided watching an episode of this show for 22 years next wedsday, I’m not breaking the streak for free. 

But some.. things aside I remembered liking the series as a kid but just never got around to seeking it out as an adult. I had nothing against the animaniacs segments and I even still have a stuffed brain doll I got at a garage sale.. the pinky is sadly missing and persumed dead. I just wasn’t as bit into it as I was the slappy bits rewatching animaniacs and didin’t really see reason to watch the show. Watching this though made me realize I was wrong and I probably watch more of it in the future This special is damn good, i’m pleased ot review it and to revive and old childhood memory. So with all the exposition out of the way let’s talk Pinky, PInky and the brain brain brain brain christmas edition after the cut. 

This was indeed a special: while it was presumably produced with season one of the show and is packaged with it both on DVD and on Hulu, where I watched it, the special was aired in prime time and even put on it’s own VHS.. which I found out and of course, like with my review of the Darkwing Duck Pilot, had to use as the art for old VHS’ tapes for cartoons.. was really fucking beautiful and it’s a nice break from my traditional screencaps.   So we open with a clever Christmas rendition of the theme, frequently sprinkling in bits of other christmas stuff, utterly fantastic. The intro animation is less impressive as it’s literally just the regular intro but with a stock snow effect over everything. In case you thought Ducktales doing that was a new thing. I do not blame the team however, as apparently they only had a week to get the scripts out, so I highly doubt warner was forking out more cash for the animation than they had to. They still forked out enough to make it LOOK really good mind you, something I wish they’d do more often with their DTV Movies but do do with their animated shows still with certain exceptions so good on them, i’m just saying they clearly cared more about money than having a memorable christmas opening. Given a budget to actually make one, i’m sure the animators would’ve come up with something lovely, and i’m sure the same is true of Ducktales and other shows and like i’ve said, i’m highly in favor of shows actuallly doing unique openings for the holidays, especially since Holiday episodes tend to get reaired every year as long as the show is in circulation on the network. Sometimes even if it isn’t. So it’s fully worth the effort to fork out a little extra for this as while you’ll most likely only use it once, you’ll be using the special for years. You can afford to treat yourself networks come on. It’s...

Just like Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain. But onto the episode itself after 80 years. We find Pinky writing his Christmas list to santa, complete with Narf, a gag I like. As usual for a comedy show, I will try to gloss over as much of the gags as possible, to avoid repetttion but yeah this episode is really damn funny and reminded me just how good these characters are. Maurice and Rob just have perfect chemistry. It’s like Tom and Jerry: It’s a very simple premise, that one being “Cat chases mouse and Mouse beats shit out of mouse”, and pinky and the brain of course being “Super genuis mouse and dimwitted but loveable sidekick try and takeover the world eveyr night”. But a simple premise can be used just about anywhere and adapated for anything. To me a cartoon’s premise only has to be as complicated as it needs to be to work. Sometimes you have a vast complex tapestry behind the world like She Ra, Steven Universe or Avatar with lots of planning and ins and outs and deep character stuff.. and sometimes you just have two mice who get into shenanigans because one is a would be dictator who sounds like orson welles and the other’s a loveable british weirdo/moron. Sometimes simple just works. 

Anyways, Brain, noticing Pinky’s distracted and replaces himself with a horrifying poorly made doll of himself called Noodle Noggin, which is both an excellent name and not the only time they’d use the name either, as there was an animaniacs short about Brain making himself a fad to endear himself to the children of the future with the same name. It’s just an inherently funny set of words, but also shows Brain’s genius in a subtle and clever way as he never spells it out, but despite sounding kind of ridiculous for such a buttoned up intellectual like brain... he knows that’s the kind of name kids will eat up. His schemes may often fail, but he’s an objectively brilliant schemer and i’ts often either PInky’s incompetence or his own miscalculation of humanity, either over or underestimating them, that undoes Brain.  Back to the plot, so Brain’s plan is to distribute noodle noggins around the world, make it the hot new toy, and as always, take over the world. Problem is naturally two Mice simply don’t have the resources to make the billions of dolls. But PInky stumbles upon the solution in the paper: a want ad for elves! Everything about that sentence except “pinky stumbles upon the solution” has not aged paticuarlly well, but point is they have a plan and we have our christmas special.  This does bring me to my one problem with the special.. Brain’s weird inconsistency towards Santa. What I mean is he spends the portion doubting Santa can do anything he’s claimed to despite being proven frequently he can. That part is not all that annoying as it’s in character with him and while yes, he is a talking mouse, he’s also a man of science and reason and Santa is the opposite of that. That would be fine... IF it wasn’t for the fact that said magical bollocks weren’t constantly part of his plans. Despite Brain constantly throughought the special doubting Santa... his plans FREQUENTLY rely on everything we’ve heard about him being right. His initial plan here ENTIRELY runs on the fact Santa has a massive workforce to make the toys yet even if that’s true by Brain’s own logic, he wouldn’t be able to deliver them. Later when the boys need to escape, They hide with the Reindeer despite Brain just saying santa can’t be everywhere in one night.. which if he can’t then the odds are slim he’ll wind up at Acme Labs isn’t it? It would be fine if the special acknowledged any of this outside of one bit we’ll get to, but other than that one bit.. they don’t. IT’s just really frustrating and really sticks out since the rest of the special is perfection, so this one failing bit really grates. That being said, it dosen’t last long enough to really drag the episode down as a whole, just to annoy me a bit every so often. It speaks to the episodes quality that the bad part ONLY drags so much because everything else is so well put together.  So our boys head to the north pole with the help of a kooky pilot and a santa dummy, this pilot is voiced by Tress MacNeile and is easily one of the best parts of the special. And naturally given their luck, she asks them to take the wheel so the plane instead jerks and causes them to fall out. Luckily they end up near Santa’s workshop and soon apply for temp work with local head of things and gruff type Shotzie, played by Jeff Bennett. And yes that is his name.  I like Shotzie: he’s a goateed elf and Bennett just plays him well.. hard to explain honestly I may just like his name and Bennett’s voice for him, one he used before in animanaics for various bit parts and in shows after this, it’s just a voice i’ve always liked. 

They get put to work in the mail room, which is the bit I mentioned: Brain earlier scoffed at Santa answering all the letters with Pinky simply suggesting that Santa had his elves go through all of them. Turns out Pinky was right... while he may be a BIT stupid, one intresting thing i’ve found about Pinky after watching the reboot that ironically the friend who comissioned this and I discussed is that he’s not ENTIRELY stupid, it’s just , much like Dan from Dan Vs his knowledge is just random.. he can not know how a lot of things work, but sometimes like in this instance Pinky generally just GETS something. It’s part of why he and Brain are such a good team despite their failures: Brain is all about planning and thought and research, Pinky is about intuition and gut instinct. He just does things and it often works out. This also makes their recently added backstories all the more brilliant as they explain this well: Pinky started life just being told to find the diffrence in cheeses and thus was taught form childhood to trust in himself and his weird brain. Brain was cruelly torturued with an experiment on learned behaviors via electroshock, and was taught to never give up control again, to always know what’s going on and to always control it. It perfectly sums up who the two are and why they are that way.  Brain however quickly pivots, as the mail room ends up being the perfect location to start his plans. Since their job is to file away what each person wants Brain simply adds Noodle Noggin to it and plans to put his plans into the workshop. While Santa and Schotzie are suprised and baffled, Santa quickly adds it to the list. However things hit a snag when Schotzie gets supscious when the two try to sneak into the blueprint room to drop theirs off and he accidently yanks off their disguises leading to a REALLY fun chase scene, as the boys end up in a toy wherehouse and thus try out various toy cars: a barbie dream car that dosen’t have a working motor, a toy truck that dosen’t go very fast, and finally an rc car that while fast naturally just means Schotzie can grab it and capture them. It’s easily my faviorite scene of the episode just for how clever it is and as someone whow as a kid around the time this came out, I applaud the accuracy.. granted I didn’t have any of those personally but I had lots of friends so yeah. 

So our heroes are interrogated.. and again Brain brilliantly pivots. Schotzie assumes since they have the blueprints their spies for the easter bunny or the tooth fairy or Herschel, the Hanukah Goblin. Why Herschel never got his own Hannukah special trying to stop Pinky and the Brain from using it to take over the world, I genuinely do not know and that’s something the reboot really needs to adress in the future. Seriously Hannukah needs a mascot and it’s either Herschel or the Hannukah Zombie. Kwanza already has Kwanzabot. I want to see more of Herschel the Hannukah Goblin dammit!. I love goblins. Especially this one.

And this one

And most of all this one

I likes goblins. It’s a thing. So anyway, point is Schotize has the blueprints taken in while our boys slip out and sucessfully make their way outside, though they have to find a way home to turn on the mind control device. They see Santa and brain being a dick refuses to let pinky hand in his letter.. but does as mentioned earlier have them pose as reindeer.  So our heroes make their way home and in time to be able to activate the device once santa’s route’s finished!

And.. then land directly on the mind control device thing, meaning they now have to scramble to repair it. Oh and Pinky is inconsolable after realizing Santa didn’t get his letter and Brain is a HUGE dick about it. Easily the worst i’ve seen him just far more focused on his machine than his friend’s wel lbeing especially since ALL he needs from pinky is for him to throw one lousy switch. 

But we then get easily the best part of the entire special. As Brain scrambles to rebuild his device while abusing his best friend we get a really nice tense sequence as Brain rebuilds while kids all over the world warmly receive noodle noggin. I mean.. it’s not the creepiest doll I’ve seen a kid enjoy. 

Also Bill Clinton gets one because the series apparently really likes “Bill Clinton is stupid jokes” Oh you poor innocent dears who haven’t had to suffer through the president being revealed to be a sexual predator, the one after him being even dumber if not a predator, the one after that being easily one of the best people around, and the outgoing one being a waking nightmare whose both a preadator and dumb beyond all comprehension ina dangerous and soul crushing way. 

But yeah onto the good part, Brain, for whatever reason, reads the letter.. and finds Pinky asked for nothing. He just wanted to give Brain the world at long last, recognizing his friend really and genuinely means well for it and that he’s worked hard to conquer it. And with that goal in reach, with the very thing he’s always wanted his... Brain instead uses the device to wish a merry christmas. He sees through his friend’s kindess and selflessness that he himself.. has been selfish once again turning something into a world destroying plot and being cruel to his best friend... when all his best friend wanted was to selflessly make sure he finally got what he wanted. It’s then that Brain, for all his cold and cynical logic and superiority complex, realized the true meaning of christmas, which i’ve said before and i’ll say again: it’s about giving, about giving someone something with your heart and soul just to be nice with no expectation of something in return. It’s about being selfless for once instead of selfish. I’ts about love. And Brain loves his friend too much to destroy his faviorite holiday. For once the world can wait.. and for once they all join in saying merry christmas to one another and in love and camradire. And I know not everyone celebrates christmas, there are other winter holidays and not everyone in the world would willingly do this. I know all that.. but the special has such a well meaning message, I really can’t be mad at that or get into the weeds too much> This isn’t some jackass making an entire movie, of which there have been several, saying “There’s a war on christmas” which instead equates to them just bitching about not everyone celebrating HIS holiday. It’s about a mouse for one moment truly being selfless and putting ihs loyal and faithful friend over his greatest want to give him a nice christmas and to do something nice for the world instead of trying to take it. And that.. that’s really damn heartmelting.  So we end on the two exchanging presents, with it being a little extra heartwarming as Brain likely already got Pinky something meaning even before his big revelation, he really does care beneath all the dope slaps. Pinky got him a keychain of the world and rather than be frustrated like you’d think.. Brain just takes it in stride. It is christmas after all.. the world.. it can wait. For now it’s just the two of them having one moment in time, this merry christmas.  Final Thoughts: If it wasn’t obvious, I loved this freaking special. It’s funny, clever and has one hell of an ending. There isn’t much more to say other than go watch it if you have Hulu.. you will not regret it and a sepcial thanks to Blah for comissioning this. it was an amazing time and is now a competitor for a spot on my best christmas special list. For now though it’s just really good and I say go check it out. Merry christmas, happy holidays and later days. 

[struwwelzeter]

Because i miss your design themed rants (it is good word here) i would like you to rank Rammstein album covers from designers point of view.

Ah, I love you. This got VERY ranty.

This is kinda hard because I tend to judge the entire packagaing/notes, and when I count that into it the ranking would be ever so slightly different. I’ll mention it for each I have Opinions (TM) on, but yeah, this is solely going on cover. I’ll only do the studio albums, not made in germany or the DVDs, or this will get too big.

7th: Rosenrot.

I know lots of you are gonna hate me for this. It’s not that I don’t like it, I do, it’s beautiful. Unfortunately it’s ... slightly lazy. It’s I think their most obvious cover and obvious feels like it’s good design but never truly is. It’s got that first idea feel, if that makes any sense. There is always that project where you go “uh can’t think of anything, but this works.” It’s not a bad thing, they clearly still knew what they were doing. It’s just ... that typical photoshop post apocalyptic composit that lost of metal/alternative bands did at some point. They all did it because it’s cool. No argument there. It’s just that I expect a bit ... more.

6th: Herzeleid

I know it’s iconic, but. The execution?! Terrible. The colours of their skin and that flower?! Too different to feel monochromatic, to same same to contrast nicely. Too much texture. What is that?! The positive bit is the placement of the typography because, neat! Most people fail at that. I like the blue-grey there aswell, how about you’d added that to their skin a little? No? Ok.

Also, this (Richard speaking):

“The bloody sleeve! What a crazy situation that was. We approved the photos in a car park without thinking what we were letting ourselves in for. When we saw what the designer had done, we freaked! We looked so… gay! All of us stripped to the waist. It was like an ad for a gay porno film. So we had to say, sort it out. Make us look straight again. Change the sleeve.”

Who in the fuck works like this?! Nevermind, I know it was a considerably younger Dirk Rudolph, but fucking hell, have some self respect, all of you. I know they didn’t know what they were doing, they probably had the management/record company comission it, and that was still the time graphic designers were seen as just pixel pushers from that time it took 3 days to layout a poster. Still. What was that brief?! Could you have sat down for 20 minutes and talk, perhaps?! Also, I hope this is how Richie learned to be the nightmare client I know he is. Don’t approve layouts in a car park, what the fuck is wrong with you.

It’s a pity because the concept? Nice. Sculpted men infront of flowers, what else do you want from life. Why crysanthemes, tho? Too textured in that macro shot. What is that photo angle?! Might try and redo that if I ever feel like it.

5th: Reise, Reise

This breaks my heart a little, because it’s my lonely island album. And it isn’t bad by any stretch. Actually, their album cover game is ridiculous, can I have that established as a general benchmark? It would make for a lot less mental break downs. The thing is ... I like the idea. Make it look like the black box, cool. The problem is the type. It makes it look like “Flugrekorder Nicht Öffnen” is the album title. To be fair, Typesetting is my main thing, and album artists get it wrong (imo) 99 out of 100 times. I wish they would have comitted more and just left the titel off and solved it with a slide in, or a sticker or something like that. It’s just a bit ... weird. What works brilliantly is that it’s very memorable, stands out on the shelf, is unusual, all of that. It’s iconic. I do like it very much but I had to place something here.

4th: Liebe ist für alle da

Now the thing with that album is that it has two covers. If I’d gone by the original one, I’d have to place it behind Reise, Reise. Everything RR has in impact, this is missing. It’s too dark, has too many pieces, it won’t stand out on a shelf. Especially not in the CD age when it was on 12x12 cm. Even on a Vinyl, it’s ... just not that impactful. Sure, the photograph is beautiful but meh. Luckily there is a second option. And that - is almost like a logo. It works as a symbol, and that makes it so strong. Less is more. Brilliant. You can draw it from memory. It’s so iconic, the kind of stuff that starts showing up in subways, drawn on the back of a seat and sprayed on walls. Tell me you never wanted to paint that on a flag and take it to a pride parade. I am sure some of us have.

I do want to mention the booklet in this, because it does bump it up a little too, because where the panorama image fails as a cover, the inside is done so beautifully with the fold out, the type setting, everything. It’s special, and done with love and it shows.

3rd: Mutter

There is just something about this that is so, so, so memorable. Everyone recognises this. If you ask anyone over the age of 20 to describe Rammstein with an album cover only to someone less familiar, is anyone gonna say anything but “they’re the band with the embryo in close up”?! Maybe this is subjective because that’s how I first got exposed to them, but I don’t think so. It’s such a powerful image. It’s both beautiful and uncomfortable, the way Rammstein as a whole and that album in particular is beautiful and uncomfortable. It’s stunning. That’s it. Unfortunately, this one falls apart inside. The went too far with the whole Matrix inspired cyber elements. It’s trendy and trendy never stands the test of time, in that it has the same problem Rosenrot has, but much worse because it’s not even done that well. They could have just used the photos and kept it raw. The type setting on the cover is as good as it gets with albums tho, so I am happy.

2nd: Sehnsucht

Ah, Sehnsucht. The most perfect band shoot they ever had. Helnwein just ... did it. I don’t know, it both defined and summed up who they are aesthetically for the longest time. It’s the visual statement that says “this is Rammstein”. It ... just looks like a band that sings about heartbreak and necrophilia is supposed to look like. Don’t you agree? How else would it look like? Even that omniously coloured beach. It’s as if the predicted the mood of True Detective, only less Hollywood. That darkness we don’t want to see, that can happen anywhere. And where they fell short with Mutter, where they added too much on to these powerful images, they just added the type. Granted, it was the 90s so it’s slightly experimental type. But unlike most type in the 90s it stood the test of time. Add the whole variable cover versions and chefs kiss! Beautiful work. Makes me happy and emotional and ugh.

1st: The White Album

I’m just calling it that now. The Matchstick. You know, good design is made up from three components only: Concept. Commitment. Execution. The concept of this is so streamlined and clean. It’s the entire Rammstein story narrowed down to a single little thing. It’s small and ordinary looking but it can become dangerous and big. It’s underestimated. A little piece of wood with a head of phosphor and calium chlorit and yet you can commit the most legendary arson. It’s the personification of the thing that has become synonymous with them: Fire. It says so much with so little. And then they comitted to that. No useless typography, a simple but oh so well done photoshoot, the simple text on white. They didn’t ad too much additional ideas on to it, they trusted that one to carry and it does. They could have done without the black and white match stick arrangements inside, although I’m not even sure if that’s not just a limited edition thing, it’s a bit too much almost. They got scared a little there. The execution is also well done, I have very little to critique, only that I feel it lacks a tiny bit of love. The thing is, the more minimalist you go, the more love you have to put into each element. I feel like the spacing of the type should have been fixed in a few places but honestly that is being very very picky. Or not. Because if it wasn’t for that, and the teeeeny tiny commitment issue, this should have been a candidate for the packaging grammy. I mean it should be even the way it is, but we all know how those fuckers ignore our boys.

I’m done. Can I use this as application? Do you think if I send them a run down of basically tearing them apart they will hire me?

[makeitquietly]

A quick recap of what criticism I remember reading about this Blu-ray set: nobody agrees about the picture quality, or on which films it’s best/worst, but it’s on the waxy/soft side mostly because of too much digital cleaning or whatever, the sound is said to be good, some hissing, out of sync in the 1936 version of Berth Marks, extras are good too, no Blu-ray logo on the case, no booklet, awkward menu always reverts back to beginning, no play-all possibility, the films are not in the order of making/release.

But a lot of people worked very hard for a long time to make this set available. Which is why nothing negative should be said about it? Eh. Next time go for quality instead. Or don’t sell your product. Make it a fanwork.

Anyhow, if I was all powerful and had commissioned someone to restore these films, I’d make them go back and do it again if this set was presented to my ruling eyes.

OTOH, I paid 99 euros for this package and have had lots of fun with it and if there’d been Stan’s scrapbook (pages) amongst the galleries, I’d happily paid double. It’s not about the money spent except when people imply that negative reviews aren’t allowed. I’d paid 99 euros for the galleries alone.

It’s about the fact that the films aren’t as well restored as they should/could be. Beyond me, why it’s so difficult to admit. And it’s clearly not only an issue of getting waxified during some final cleanup or somehow being ruined when transferred to Blu-ray disks.

Any idiot (me) knowing nothing about the processes involved can easily confirm this by watching how different films on the same disk have different quality, likewise first reel can be almost okay, the second much worse, scenes and cuts have often annoyingly varying quality, even single frames look like they came from different prints and nothing was done to make them fit more seamlessly in their surroundings. And I’m not talking about that one wandering frame in Scram!, which must be some person’s idea of a joke, how else could it be so out of place?

Or didn’t anyone watch these that one last important time since it wasn’t removed, nor were the countless spots still there in most of the films? I know, when things get cleaned up that one remaining crumb is much easier to spot... er... see my point?

There are also jumpy frames, which I imagine would’ve been easy to adjust, and to prevent those ubiquitous flashy cuts, you’d only needed to adjust the brightness of that single frame causing the flashing. Even I have done that on GIMP when making gifs. I’m guessing too much contrast on, say, Me and My Pal isn’t a problem created by the wax people either.

The ridiculously softly glowing Brats might be, there’s an awful lot of glowing in One Good Turn too, and in parts of Sons of the Desert, for example, where faces are dangerously close to have that overly scrubbed look, which is a big problem in The Chimp and Come Clean.

When it comes to wax, Helpmates and County Hospital are the most hideous, the latter must be the worst looking of all the films in this set, being also awfully spotty as well as too dark. It’s got other faults too, like wonky frames. The Music Box has a pretty decent first reel (except for the opening scene), and despite not being able to see the stripes on Stan’s and Ollie’s pants because of too much contrast, Me and My Pal is also clearly better wax-wise in the first reel.

It’s interesting to watch some of these films for the first time, thinking that this is crap quality picture, but then the second reel is even worse and suddenly there’s a whole new level of crappiness.

I think the sound is ever so slightly out of sync for a bit in Way Out West and One Good Turn. At least it is compared to those same films on my 21 DVD set. In addition to being very clearly out of sync in that Berth Marks reissue like others have noticed. Berth Marks also has a weird stripey “cover” over the actual film. I suppose it was impossible to remove.

Even with some sync problems, if I had to choose the best restorations from this new collection, Way Out West would be on my list, together with Busy Bodies, Hog Wild and Towed in a Hole. Some parts of Sons of the Desert look gorgeous. With grain and all. Pretty much like Atoll K but unfortunately not as consistently. (Atoll K was restored by different people, I gather.)

The much anticipated but already online for free since 2019 The Battle of the Century then? Well, the first reel is quite good, or would be if it wasn’t a weird blend of an ugly greenish yellow or yellowish green. Sepia isn’t what it used to be. And I would’ve thought they’d made sure to get all those black spots removed at least from this one what with it being one of the “new” things on this set. The second reel is worse except colour-wise. But at least it’s there complete with Charlie Hall and the “what pie fight” ending.

Haven’t mentioned The Midnight Patrol, Their First Mistake or Twice Two yet. The last two are pretty evenly waxy, and comparing The Midnight Patrol to Come Clean and The Chimp makes it not that bad. There’s no actual need to bleach faces or an excuse for Billy Gilbert’s patternless shirt, is there?

For me the treasures from this set can be found on each disk under galleries. Even for those not interested in scripts, press material, posters and assorted documents, there are circa 1,400 photos, many of which really are rare, or at least I’d never seen them before. One of the gems are the about 140 photos from Babe’s Vim days. Awesome! Nothing as gemmy from Stan’s past before Laurel and Hardy, and someone put wrong names on the photos where he appears with the Hurleys, not the Cookes. Yes, there’s a short, handy description for most of the photos. 

So many of them and I must peruse more, of course, but I’m going give a special mention to Stan with both Loises on the set of Brats for adorableness and likewise to Thelma Todd for previously unseen (by me) variations from her photoshoot on that bathroom set. Love the six new-to-me photos of Stan and Babe together on the 1932 British tour especially. Great stuff. Oh, and Mae Busch, Dorothy Christy and Charley Chase in their Sons of the Desert portraits look fabulous.

Another treasure are the interviews with only a couple of slightly dubious moments. Joe Rock made me grin. George Marshall made me cry. Walter Woolf King made me laugh. Most wonderful. Short introduction by Randy Skretvedt for each interview. He’s the one who did the interviewing too. There’s 15 of them altogether. Plus a chance to hear composer Marvin Hatley perform Honolulu Baby and Will You Be My Lovey-Dovey. The audio only interviews come with some more great photos.

I kind of adore how Richard W. Bann casually debunks Anita Garvin’s The Battle of the Century story with one dry line during his commentary of the film. Hurts so good. Let’s have more debunking!

Speaking of the commentaries, and maybe more about them on some other occasion, Bann only comments The Battle and The Music Box, all the rest, including That’s That and The Tree in a Test Tube have commentaries by Randy Skretvedt.

I was expecting Bann to tell the whole story of why it took so long to get The Battle on video but he didn’t; fair enough, I thought, but then in his other commentary he goes on about his grudge with a dead guy, so I guess it was not his, um, politeness that stopped him from dishing on the much more recent and therefore interesting stuff. What then?

Perhaps a third person sharing the commentary duties would’ve been a good idea. That was my thought when Skretvedt obsessed over Stan’s smoking for the third time. By obsessed I mean he listed all the films where, according to him, Stan smokes. What for, you may wonder. I did. No answer. I remember reading somewhere that Stan not smoking in the movies means he’s a child. (Yes, some Laurel and Hardy fans are somewhat weird sometimes. Aren’t we all?) Maybe Skretvedt was trying to debunk that theory? Hehe, okay, I know he wasn’t, because he did the “they’re children, Hal Roach said so” routine in his Their First Mistake commentary, complete with Charles Barr quotes to prove there’s nothing gay about Ollie liking Stan more than his own wife. Made me fume. I don’t know why. Nothing new.

I don’t know why it doesn’t occur to him that if Ollie didn’t spend so much time with Stan, Mae wouldn’t be the lonely, disappointed wife who ends up wanting a divorce after one too many lies from Ollie and accuses Stan of alienation of Ollie’s affections. But no, apparently it’s no wonder that Ollie likes Stan more than his wife because she hits him with the broom. So the hitting came first and then too much time spent with Stan? I don’t think so.

Anyhow, third person, more variety, something newer, or at least an explanation for Stan’s smoking being of particular importance. Ollie’s smoking isn’t mentioned. Also, to digress even more, I always found the claim that Stan doesn’t smoke because he is a child odd, not only because he does, but also because he drinks alcohol too and manages to be married in several films. But the Laurel & Hardy child squad of course thinks the wives are actually their mothers. (Yes & again, weird.)

I did and do also wonder if there would’ve been anyone available and even if there had been, if these old school fans had accepted someone with different views. Probably not.

Still waiting for Skretvedt to notice Stan’s camera looks. Maybe he just hasn’t been a fan for long enough yet... 😛

I’m out of steam now. Need to rehydrate.

One more thing: No booklet, so maybe nobody involved wanted to spread about their name more than absolutely necessary knowing the restoration work was, shall we say, uneven?

Tl;dr: Uneven restoration work. Great extras. Mostly interesting commentaries.

[kumkaniudaku]

The Love Tonight (1)

A/N: A request by @queenbutterfly2018. Thank you for keeping my creative juices flowing. Even if it does take me 7000 years to finish things. 

Summary: The family bonds over Beyonce and a classic movie. 

The Love Tonight (2)

"And I just can't waaaiit...to be KING!"

CoCo silently bopped her head from side to side in the kitchen as she split her attention between washing the dishes and her kids enjoying the third showing of The Lion King in as many weeks. 

Noah let out a small squeal of excitement followed by a laugh that caught Micah's attention. 

"No, Noey! We don't laugh during this part. It's really serious!" When the youngest of the pair responded with a gurgling babble, Micah let out an agitated groan before continuing her explanation. "Simba could get hurt. He didn't listen to his daddy, and now the heenas are looking for him. That's why we have to listen to Mommy and Daddy."

"Good lesson, baby girl," Tasha called from the kitchen, adding a wink to her praise when Micah turned around to acknowledge her mother. 

From the moment she could focus on moving images, Micah became enamored with Simba's timeless tale. Her big eyes would sparkle when she would hear the movie's main theme, the song often doubling as the only sound to keep her quiet when she was restless. 

When she was three, Micah insisted that she would not participate in Halloween festivities if she could not dress as Nala. Her first eating utensil set, big girl underwear, and bed set featured the beloved characters. Even as she found other interests, The Lion King was her first love. 

"Mommy, your favorite song is coming! You gotta sing it!"

Micah wiggled around in her seat while Tasha took a break from cleaning to join her on the couch. Pulling the little one into her lap, CoCo cleared her throat to mimic Scar. 

"I know that your powers of retention are as wet as a warthog's backside. But thick as you are–pay attention! My words are a matter of pride."

Noah perked up as Micah joined the song, becoming the third voice in a chorus of off-key voices. Together they fumbled over lyrics and laughed until their stomachs were sore and the song was over. 

After a moment of silence to catch their breath, Micah broke the silence. "I wish Daddy was here to sing too. He likes to sing the Simba and Nala song with you."

"I know, baby, I know. But Daddy has to be at work."

"Work is mean! Tell him to come home and play!"

"Dadadada." Noah's chanted, adding his two cents in the conversation to make both ladies giggle. 

"How about we call Daddy so you two can say all of this to his face. How does that sound, Pookie Butt?" 

Cheering and made up songs bounced off of the living room walls before echoing on the other side of the phone when Chadwick finally answered. 

"Sounds like I'm missing out on a party back home," he laughed. 

Across the country, the sun had long allowed the moon to have its place in the sky. Chadwick sat in his dimly lit bedroom clad in worn lounge clothes with sleep forcing his eyes half-closed. 

"You sure are. We're watching your favorite movie. Wanna take a guess?"

"Whaaat? Where's my girl? She wouldn't watch The Lion King without me, would she?"

"I only watched a little! Not even the pig song!" 

"You didn't get to...should I sing it," he questioned, already knowing the answer. 

"Yes! Sing it!" 

"Nah, it's time for bed. Mama wouldn't be happy if I did." 

Chadwick put on an award-winning acting performance to sway Micah's opinion before she turned to make a case for why she deserved a song from her favorite singing partner. 

"Please, Mama? Please, please, please, please, puh-LEASE!" 

"Sure, sing the song, Dad." 

While Micah squealed in pleasure, CoCo made sure to give her husband the finger as discreetly as possible. 

"You can do that for as long as you like when I get back, love," he assured with a wink. 

"Sing it, Daddy! One, two, three!"

Straighten in his seat, Chadwick took a deep breath and comically poked his chest out. "WHEN I WAS A YOUNG WARTHOOOG!"

Before her daddy could finish the most boisterous line in the entire film, Micah doubled over and laughed until her whole body vibrated with joy. Even Noah joined in on the laughter despite nodding in and out of sleep in his walker. 

"Sing it again," Micah requested between gasps for air. "Sing it again!" 

"Nuh-uh. It's time for you and another cub to get to bed. Maybe we can sing it in the morning when you're on the way to camp. How's that sound?" 

"You promise?" 

"Double pinky promise, baby girl. First thing in the morning." 

Though visibly upset, Micah accepted the terms of the deal. "Okay. Goodnight, Daddy. I wish you could come home tomorrow." 

"I wish I could too, little one. See you in a few weeks. Be good for your Mama and be nice to your brother." 

Another round of goodnights sealed the deal, sending Micah off to her room to wait on Tasha to tuck her into bed. Chadwick followed her movements as far he could until she was out of camera view. His sad eyes betrayed the smile on his face and caught his wife's attention. 

"I know it's tough, baby, but she understands why you're away. She's just missing you tonight." 

"Doesn't stop me from feeling like the worst dad ever. Now I have to make it up to her." 

"Please, do not send another doll to this house or I will burn it. Send a Birkin instead!" The line on Chadwick's end went silent as he froze and stared. "Hello? Can you hear me? Is this thing frozen?" 

"It ain't frozen. I'm just givin' you a minute to hear what craziness you just said to me." 

"So I don't deserve a bag?"

"You deserve a bag so much that you have a shelf in the closet to stock with as many as you can buy." 

Tasha opened her mouth to respond but found herself interrupted by the sound of toys hitting the hardwood floors close to her. After quickly assessing the situation, neither of them could withhold their laughter. Noah sat slumped in walker with thumb in his mouth to self soothe, deep into a dream that had him smiling with his eyes closed. 

Finally calming down, Chadwick allowed a yawn to slip past his lips. "Alright, baby, I have to be on set early tomorrow." 

"Goodnight, handsome. Sleep well, and don't send any more gifts to this house." 

"You don't tell me what to do, T. Bye!" 

There was no time for Tasha to protest any of her husband's statements as he ended the call abruptly. In the weeks that followed, he would vaguely hint at a surprise when talking to or about Micah. When pressed for further intel, Chadwick would smirk as if he were hiding the most interesting secret in the world, the twinkle in his eye brighter than any star in the sky. 

CoCo began to suspect the true nature of the surprise when she received confirmations for two booked nail appointments and a separate dress fitting. Questioning the keeper of secrets proved to be futile until he returned from work at the tail end of a busy weekday night. 

Micah met him at the edge of the driveway with unbridled excitement, waiting for him to step out of the car and scoop her body into his arms. Once the house was calm and sharing a meal around the dinner table, Chadwick pulled an envelope out of his pocket and quietly sat it on the table. 

Taking a look up while chewing her food, Tasha eyed the package. "Is that a check for me?" 

"No." 

"Plane tickets?" 

"Tickets, but not for a plane." 

"Is it a letter from the Tooth Fairy," Micah inquired. "Because I lost my front teeths. Mommy found them and said the Tooth Fairy would give me monies, but that was a long time ago. I think she forgot."

"She spent the money on dance lessons," Tasha mumbled.

Chadwick cut his eyes at CoCo who mouthed 'what' in response. "Anyway...remember when we told you there was gonna be a new Lion King, Mikey?" 

"Yeah! You said we could see it if I read a whole book by myself. Are we gonna see it?"

"We're gonna do more than see it, baby girl. We are going to…" Chadwick paused for dramatic effect, waiting for a drumroll that Tasha reluctantly provided. 

He listened to her rapidly tap her fingers against the glossy wood grain tabletop. Soon, Micah joined the spectacle, leading the charge for Noah to slam his hands against the tray of his high chair. Chadwick's grin spread across his face as the tension and noise in the room built to deafening levels. 

"Aaron! Spit it out, darn it," Tasha hollered, careful to censor her language. 

"Okay, okay! We're going to...the premiere!" 

For weeks, Chadwick had played this moment in his head countless times, and each encounter ended with the members of his family singing his praises and running around the house in excitement. Instead, they met him with two blank stares and senseless babbling. 

"What's a...a...premiere? I want popcorn." 

"Chad, she's six. Explain why a premiere is better than just going to the theater on Cheap Tuesday. I would also like an explanation." 

As Micah looked between her mother's sarcastic smile and her father's eye roll, she found herself still very confused. She'd only been on a few red carpets in her short lifetime, and none of them involved a brand new movie. It was unreasonable to expect a child to enjoy the bright lights associated with such an event, much less an entire movie without any outbursts or excessive moving. Chadwick hoped that an introduction through the Lion King would be an adequate test run for future instances. 

"A premiere," he started as he lifted Micah out of her chair and into his lap. "Is when special people get all dressed up to see a movie before everyone else. All the people that are in the movie are there too." 

"So I get to see the movie with Timon and Pumbaa?" 

"Well, kind of. You'll meet the actors that play them." 

Micah thought for a moment. "Are these big people that play dress up like you?" 

"Sure... let's go with that." 

"Is Mommy and Noah gonna come with us?" 

"Just Mom. Noah's still too little. But we'll get the DVD when it comes out, and then he can see it at home." From the corner of his eye, Chadwick could see Tasha giving him a thumbs up for his attempt at explaining such a complicated matter to a child. Micah, however, still had questions. 

"I guess I'll go," she shrugged. "Do I get a new dress?" 

"My girl asks the important questions! That's what I'm talking about!" 

Laughing, he shooed his wife away to answer the question. "You drive a hard bargain, Princess. Yes, you and Mommy get new dresses." 

"Yay! I want sparkles on my dress! Wait, I want it to look like mommy's dress. What is your dress gonna look like Mommy? Big and poofy like a princess?"

"Girl, I think we should-" CoCo halted her rand and dramatically covered her mouth to whisper-speak to Micah. "I think we should go to another room because somebody is a little too nosey. Meet me in your room." 

Her dramatic wink was excitedly returned before Micah focused her attention on dashing out of the dining room and up the stairs. When she was out of earshot, Chadwick turned to his wife and smiled. 

"Make sure you go easy on my pockets." 

Standing, Tasha quickly adjusted Noah on her hip and pretended to flip her hair. "Sparkles are expensive, baby. We'll try our best. You just make sure you can keep up." 

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[magic5ball]

Nature Trail to Hell Arc II: Watt Outta Hell (12)

Chapter 12: We Meet Underworld Justice. Meaty, Crispy Underworld Justice

           One of the nice things about the First Circle is that since it’s for lesser sinners, they don’t punish you nearly as bad as they would in some of the other places. Take the poles F-Bomb and I found ourselves tied to, for instance. They had adjustable seating and a massage option, which I eagerly took advantage of. Real nice, considering the hall of condemnation we now found ourselves in looked like every heavy metal album cover ever made. But the weirdest thing of all was it reminded me of church, somehow. The whole place was just a very long , dark, edgy hallway covered in stained (though with what, I never found out) glass windows with a pulpit at the very end. Raposa settled her rear into this pulpit, while F-Bomb and I were put down in front of it, a pair of sinners put down before the Lord. Behind us, rows upon rows of underworld denizens were crying for our blood in every tongue imaginable. Though if our punishment was church, I did have one advantage: Miss Princess couldn’t make this place duller than Father McAllister’s sermons if she tried (thanks to that guy, I know more about cubits then I will ever care -or need- to know).

           Unfortunately, it was special moments when the luck of the Tostigs tended to bail on me, and being tied to a stake in front of a pulpit, with a grape juice swilling devil princess looking into your soul was one of them.

Having sucked the last ounce of delicious liquid from her sippy pouch, she raised the thing as if to make a toast, somehow hushing up everyone in the hall.

“Alright losers, listen up! These horrible souls have committed one of the greatest sins of the zeroth circle: Parking in the handicapped space without actually being handicapped!”

Once more, the crowd booed us.

“But believe it or not, I’m feeling generous today, so I’m gonna let these NERDS pick their own poison!” She turned to us (though more to me, since F-Bomb was still moping over sailor Woon’s betrayal) “Listen, kid, you have two options, you can either have the usual punishment we give people like you-“

“Which is what, exactly?”

“Pulling out your bones, pulverizing them in a blender, and feeding them to the homeless as protein shakes.”

I don’t know what my expression was at the time, but whatever it was, it made the Hell Princess smirk, revealing her rows of serrated teeth.

“Or, you can get a surprise punishment, as suggested by our live studio audience!” She gestured to the crowd, who proceeded to roar with applause.

I turned to my friend, hoping for guidance.

F-Bomb sighed “Just go for the forkin’ surprise. Half those forkin’ ballots are usually just plain forkin’  ‘torture’ ‘cause nobody here knows how to be forkin’ origional, anyway.”

I nodded in agreement “Yeah. Surprise us.”

“In that case… Stensa, bring me the SKULL OF HORRIFICALLY UNSPEAKABLE CONDEMNATION OF ETERNAL DARKNESS!!!!”

The crowd roared as really bad wedding music began playing, followed by a devil that looked like a very ugly, hairless dog sauntering down the aisle with a skull in its paws. At least, I assumed they were paws. They looked like they’d been sharpened until they were pointy hand-spikes. When he reached the pulpit, I saw the head of the skull had been hollowed out, its’ noggin filled with folded pieces of paper. Raposa reached into this fishing her hand around in a way that reminded me all too much of the times Grandpa took me to bingo night.

“And the punishment is…” The music mercifully stopped, replaced by a drumroll that made my heart race.  

Silence. Raposa squinted at the paper, trying to read it.

“W-Were-“

“Werebacon.” The creature that called itself Stensa replied “It says Werebacon. Sorry the handwriting’s bad, but it’s kinda hard to do when you’ve only got stumps.” He showed them off.

For a brief moment, the crowd was no longer on F-Bomb, now staring down the helpless little devil.

“Stensa,” Raposa called, gesturing with a finger “Come here please.”

Shaking, the pathetic dog-thing stepped up to the podium. “Yes, your Unholiness- accckkk!”

The crowd watched in awe as Raposa chocked the demon using only a single hand. Some even took out their cameras to commemorate the event (or just get a spot on ‘Underworld’s Funniest Home Videos’).

“Stensaaa…,” Raposa began, her voice sounding way too much like A-Hole for it to be anything good “What did I tell you about putting joke requests in the SKULL OF HORRIFICALLY UNSPEAKABLE CONDEMNATION OF ETERNAL DARKNESS!!!???”

Stensa tried to eke out an answer, but by that point his eyes had rolled back so far I could see where they attached to the skull.

Then Raposa’s face changed. It became all sharp and pointed, like it was made of glass shards. Poor Larry was being shaken around like a rubber chicken in an earthquake. “You do not put joke answers in the SKULL OF HORRIFICALLY UNSPEAKABLE CONDEMNATION OF ETERNAL DARKNESS! I THOUGHT we went over this already! Also, don’t call me ‘Your Unholiness’ my name is Raposa, you moron!”

With one final snap of what I assumed was Larry’s neck bones, the dread princess tossed his body to the floor so hard it cracked on the tiles. But you want to know what he really crazy part was? Larry got up again, head still dangling limply from his neck, like it was nothing, and said

“I was going to say it wasn’t a joke answer. Werebacon’s a real thing. Bacon bitten by werewolves, I think. They sell it at Wegmart for 2.99 a pound.”

“AND HOW WOULD I KNOW THIS IS TRUE?!” Demanded the Hell Princess.

Larry shrugged “It’s called going to Wegmart? Dumba$$.”

And that’s how we got a fifteen minute recess while Raposa went to check this stuff out. Since everyone went outside, taking bets on whether she would actually find the werebacon or not, that meant it was just F-Bomb and I in the hall. All was quiet, save for the soft rumbling of my stake, which I’d set to ‘massage’.

Then, out of nowhere “Well, now forkin’ what?”

I looked around to see where the voice had come from.

I shrugged, or tried to.  “Well, who knows, if those anime you’ve made me watch has taught me anything, maybe we’ll unlock some secret superpower to save our butts at the last minute.”

F-Bomb smiled a bit at that.

“Well, at least you’ve been learning, Watter-chan.”

“And as a matter of fact, I think I feel a new power coming in…NOW!”

A great force surged through me before coming out as a weak toot from my behind.

Just like that, F-Bomb got all sullen again.

“Whelp. We are FORKED.”

“But you can bet your toe claws we aren’t going down without a fight!”

.   .   .

As if on cue, in walked Raposa and her posse of subjects. In her hand she carried a reusable shopping bag made of flayed human skin.

“Hey guys, guess who just brought home the bacon?!”

“Uhh…you did?”

The Hell Princess smiled at me, flashing her serrated teeth. “If that was you trying to be funny, then you failed miserably and you should feel bad.” She took out the the demonic delicacy. “Now, prepare to DIE!”

“But we’re already-“

“It’s an expression, nerd! And just for that, prepare to ULTRA die!”

“What’s that even-“

“Turd,” F-Bomb hissed “please just shut the fork up for one forkin’ second. I’m not exactly in the mood to get SUPER MEGA ULTRA killed.”

           From there, Raposa and company wasted no time. With the press of a button the whole place rumbled, the ground beneath F-Bomb and I sinking lower and lower until we were stuck in the bottom of a funnel-like pit, kind of like the ones where Romans fed their prisoners to lions. On the rim of the pit, glareing down at us fierce, the crowd was going crazy, chanting “EAT THEM! EAT THEM! EAT THEM!” while punk rock with a lot of brass in it blared loud enough to make my ears explode. For some reason, this reminded me of the time my parents took me roller skating. Maybe it was the flashing strobe lights.

           Moments later Raposa stood on the edge of the pit, wearing a black and white referee shirt and carrying a microphone in one hand. “Hellspawn and gentledemons!” She clamored, her voice so loud even at the bottom of the lit I could hear it clearly. “Are you itching for a fight?”

She paused, just long enough for the crowd to holler their all too enthusiastic response.

“’Cause boy do we have about tonight! On the left side of the arena we have the dastardly duo, the irredeemable of irredeemables, Mr. WEENIE AND WEENIE HUT JR!”

Cue the crowd booing and throwing Dora the Explorer DVD box sets at our heads.

“And on the other side, the greatest breakfast meat in this underworld, this continent, I daresay even this universe… WEREBAAAACCCCOOOONNNNN!”

She threw it, still in the package, into the pit, where it hit the ground with a hearty SLAP!

The crowd, as expected, went so nuts they literally started turning into peanuts, which the other demons tore apart and began eating. Despite having not eaten in a few days, I wasn’t really jealous of them. If communion at church taught me anything, it was that drinking a guy’s blood and eating his flesh was a very overrated experience.

“Hey!” I screamed, trying to buy us time “C-couldn’t you at least cook it first? I don’t want to die by raw bacon!”

Amazingly, Raposa somehow heard me over everything else that was going on. “Oh, we’ll cook it alright… in unhallowed moonlight!”

           A disco ball the size of the Hell Princess’ ego was lowered into the arena, its’ sparling light nearly blinding me. Slowly, but them more quickly, I could see the bacon begin to change. Something on the inside pushed and shoved against its’ plastic prison, struggling to get out, like a bag of popcorn in the microwave. And if microwave popcorn has taught me anything, it’s that once the package explodes, things go downhill fast. (Then again, this was at a time when I thought you didn’t take popcorn bags out of the plastic before microwaving them.)

“Couldn’t you at least untie us?!” I pleaded, giving my best puppy dog eyes.

“Suck it, NERD!”

And wouldn’t you know it, that was it! You see, I’ve always been a twig my whole life, and with the competition and being cast in the woods and all, I didn’t exactly have the time to eat stuff. So all it took was one suck of my guts and I slipped out of my ropes. Followed up with a slash of the old toe claws,  F-Bomb was free, too. Meanwhile, the package had swollen  tall as I was and still the werebacon couldn’t escape.

“Oh, screw it!” Hollered Raposa. With one well-placed toss, a pair of the sharpest scissors I’ve ever seen sliced right through the plastic packaging, sticking in the Earth with a Tong! From there, the werebacon burst out, looking furry and crispy and horribly overcooked.

“So, uh, any ideas?” I asked F-Bomb.

“Well, we could always run for our lives.”

I shrugged. It was as good an idea as any.