#and the nurse working at the time agreed and reaffirmed it

[witchblade]

i thought that like communication was just an issue with like big companies contracting + my own stupid job but it's also completely abysmal at hospitals apparently

[deanstead]

Coming Home

Pairing: Will Halstead x HalsteadSister!Reader x Jay Halstead

Requested: yes, by anon

Summary: Y/N returns to Chicago to surprise her brothers but she’s not telling them everything. Meanwhile, a series of mysterious calls and texts seem to hint at something else brewing in the background.

Word Count: 4.6K+

Square Filled: Kidnap/Hostage for #resa.3kfiestabingo

Warnings: canon typical mentions of kidnapping, stalking

A/N: Hi guys! I’m still on vacation but I managed to get this out while I was recharging. Might have some mistakes but overall I still hope yall like it!

HALSTEAD!SISTER MASTERLIST

“Y/N?”

An incredulous look crossed Jay’s face, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing - you, standing right in front of his door.

Before you knew it, Jay was right in front of you, pulling you into his arms and lifting you off the ground as if you were a small child once again yet you couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of you. A genuine laugh that you felt hadn’t left your lips in months.

“What are you doing here?” 

You gave him a look. “Seriously? We’re doing this out here? With my luggage?”

Jay smiled. “Give it here.” He took your carrier before he opened his door, pushing it open with his foot so you could step into his apartment.

Jay’s apartment was almost like how you remembered it, as if almost no time had passed since you’d gone off to study and decided to stay in Europe for some experience. You knew your brothers would have preferred for you to at least return to America but they also agreed that you needed to do what you felt was right. 

But it really was nice to be home. 

“Does Will know you’re back?” Jay asked, handing you a glass of water. When you didn’t answer immediately, he narrowed his eyes. “You went to his place first, didn’t you?”

You let out a small guilty laugh at his accusatory tone and shrugged. “I figured he was the one with more regulated hours. But I couldn’t find a Halstead there. He moved?”

Jay nodded. “Yeah, you know things happen.” 

You nodded absentmindedly. “At least you didn’t.”

“That’s kind of the reason I didn’t.” Jay said with a smile.

You looked up. “What if our baby sister couldn’t find either of us?”

“I’m not a baby.” You shot back.

Jay let out a chortle. “You will always be a baby.” He teased gently.

You didn’t let on the exact reason why you were back and although Jay knew something was a little off, he didn’t push. Instead, he called Will, with a vague phone call so that you could surprise your oldest brother as well.

“Jay, I’m coming in!” Will said, his strained voice from the other side of the door telling you that he was a little worried.

The door opened, Will freezing in the door frame for a second before a look of surprise with a happy smile. “Y/N!”

You allowed the oldest Halstead to give you a tight hug, enveloping you in his arms and you felt another wave of security as well as ease wash over you, reaffirming your decision to come home.

Jay ordered in, so the three of you could spend some quiet time together, Jay’s apartment resounding with laughter like it usually did when the three of you were together.

“How long are you back for?” Will asked, taking a sip of beer.

You shrugged. “I might be staying.”

You didn’t miss the sparkle of hope in both their eyes as they glanced at each other.

“I mean if I can crash here.” You said, a slightly cheeky tone slipping into your voice. 

Jay rolled his eyes. “You can have the whole freaking apartment if you want.”

You laughed. “Yeah, I just… well I missed you and I thought it was time. But I came here with no plan so you’ll have to feed me until I find a job.”

Will smiled. “I think the ED has a spot.” 

You raised an eyebrow. “As long as you promise to not breathe down my neck.”

You’d taken the job.

There’d been a bit of a turnover lately and Maggie needed an experienced nurse, which was just as well. You were sure being a Halstead also helped.

“Remember what you promised me.” You said through gritted teeth on your first day.

But working at Med had turned out much better than you’d expected. Other than the fact that Will had kept his promise and tried his best to keep out of your way, the people you worked with were really great. Even the paramedics and firefighters that came in were a hoot, and you’d quickly become friendly with almost everyone. 

So things seemed really good.

Until it started up again.

It had seemed mostly innocent enough, getting a few missed calls from unknown numbers while you were on shift. You’d barely put any thought into it, letting the phone ring as you moved quickly through the ED, from room to room, just another day in the ED.

The mistake you made was picking up one day after your shift.

“Hello?”

When you were met with silence, you paused and repeated the greeting. “Hello?”

Now, there was a slight crackling. You frowned, pulling your phone away from your ear to make sure the call was still connected, before you took a quick screenshot and tried one more time. When there was no response still, you disconnected the call, slipping your phone back into your pocket.

You didn’t give the call much thought, especially since there were plenty of scam calls going around and you figured this was just one of those calls. 

But the calls didn’t stop and you’d even asked Jay if there was anything that could be done but the numbers kept changing and based on what Jay could do at this point of time, considering there was no apparent threat, it didn’t lead to anything much.

Of course, you’d kept the frequency of the calls from Jay, which was why he wasn’t as worried as he probably should have been. You’d even kept the weird “I see you” texts from Jay since you figured it was probably some prank or a wrong number.

It only hit you one day when you were heading out of Med, alongside Will, when you thought you saw a familiar figure standing a distance away.

Your head whipped around and you felt that familiar feeling of dread, a feeling you hadn’t felt for months since you’d been back in Chicago, surrounded by friends and your brothers. 

“Y/N?” 

Will looked slightly concerned as he glanced over your head from where he towered over you, trying to see what had caused your reaction. 

You looked back at him, before glancing over your shoulder again, where there was no one. 

Maybe you were just imagining things. Maybe it was just one of those empty deja vu feelings. 

You shook your head at Will with a smile. “I just thought I saw…”

Will looked like he was waiting for you to finish your sentence but you shook your head with a smile. “Come on, let’s go. Jay’s gonna complain if we’re late again.”

Will looked slightly unconvinced but smiled. “I bet he’s not even there yet.”

You didn’t respond, pulling your brother to his car, once again unaware of the pair of eyes that were watching you from afar.

Jay glanced up at the clock with a sigh. The bullpen was already empty and he’d wanted to be home slightly earlier today so he could have a meal with you. But looking at the time, you’d probably be at least half asleep by the time he got home. 

His phone buzzed just as he pushed his chair back, stretching as he did. With a small smile, he leaned over to answer the call on speaker, sure you were just going to whine over the phone about him being late and probably asking for some late night snack.

“I’m leaving, I swear. What can I get you?” Jay spoke with an amused smile, grabbing his jacket.

But the words that bounced back at him made him freeze in his tracks.

“What are you doing here?”

Your voice shook slightly with an emotion that sounded a lot like fear. 

Jay frowned, quickly shrugging on his jacket, grabbing his phone and rushing down the steps. He couldn’t hear much of what the other person was saying, so he just pushed himself faster, speeding past the front desk his phone still pressed against his ear, barely hearing Trudy’s “Where’s the fire, Halstead?” comment before he was out the doors.

What was at most a 15 minute drive felt like forever, as Jay sped through the streets, finally pulling up outside his apartment building, not even bothering to wait for the elevator.

The door to his apartment wasn’t even shut properly, the door merely resting on the frame. Jay pulled his gun out as he’d done so many times at other places, except that he could feel the bad feeling turn his stomach over.

Jay nudged the door open with his foot, pulling his focus forward and using trained eyes to glance around his apartment. 

Stuff was strewn all over the floor, pieces of broken glass from a shattered cup, leaflets spread across the floor. He knew what he was seeing - a struggle. Most definitely.

“Y/N?” He called, even though he knew it was useless. This wasn’t a random robbery or attack. You’d known the person who’d come in. You had been the target. 

Even so, Jay cleared each and every corner and room, before he called Will to get him to come over before he called Voight.

It was only after he’d finished calling everyone he needed to call that the information he’d already known finally clicked into place, settling into a dark place in his chest. 

Someone had taken you.

Jay could hear people talking but he wasn’t processing anything, his mind trying to sift through the few months since you’d been back, trying to figure out what it was that he’d missed or what you hadn’t told them. 

“Jay.”

Kim touched his elbow gently and he glanced up now, realizing he was supposed to provide some sort of response. 

“What?”

Kim exhaled gently before she repeated herself. “Adam’s taking Will’s statement. I’ll try to make this quick, alright?”

“I’m working this.” Jay responded, looking Kim straight in the eye.

Kim nodded. “I don’t think Voight’s taking you off. Just talk to me, so we can work this together. That’s the fastest way we’ve got to find her. Because we will.”

Jay exhaled before he nodded, letting Kim ask the questions, swallowing down the annoyance of feeling like a victim’s family.

“She didn’t tell us anything. But she was jumpy, everytime her phone rang. She stuck a little close to us when we were out, even at Molly’s, as if she was five all over again. Damn it, I should have wrangled it out of her.”

Kim glanced up at her friend. “Jay, let’s focus, alright?” She paused and he nodded. “So she didn’t say anything?”

Jay shook his head. “She didn’t even really tell us why she was back. I bought the whole ‘new environment’ excuse for a bit, but things were a little different.”

Kim nodded. “Okay, tell me about the phone call.”

Jay exhaled slowly. “She knew this guy, I’m sure of it. But I couldn’t make out what he was saying…”

Jay looked back almost helplessly at his friend and Kim nodded. “Listen, we’ll find her.”

Jay nodded again, glancing back at the bullpen now where Will had just emerged from Voight’s office. He turned to glance at Kim again. “Let’s do this.”

You glanced up now, feeling the defiance in you rise to almost the same level as your fear, the figure pacing in front of you now a familiar one. Your hands were fastened securely behind your back, the cable ties so tight they were cutting into your skin. 

This was the reason you felt the need to return home standing right in front of you.

“You followed me here?” You asked, doing your best to keep your voice steady, not to betray even a sliver of the actual fear that you felt. 

You were pretty sure that your frantic call to Jay had gone through, even though your phone was now probably still stuffed in the corner of the couch, where you hoped Jay or someone would find it. Which gave you a sliver of hope that was only present because of the fact that you’d returned home. At least you were in Chicago. Jay and Will would find you. You just needed to hang on until then.

“You wanted me to find you.” 

You exhaled slowly, not really succeeding in blocking out his voice, the memory of the first time you’d met Tobias Mills still clear in your mind.

He’d come in after an accident in a lot of pain, so you’d done what you did best. As you assisted the doctor on call in the ED, you connected with the patient. Except that this time, it had backfired. Mills had become totally obsessed with you, so much so that you’d been forced to get a restraining order. But even that hadn’t stopped him. He’d watch you from across the street, or send you messages. To this day, you still had no idea how he’d even gotten your number. So as a last resort, before you lost your last shred of sanity, you’d left, packing your bags almost overnight and taking the first available flight straight to Chicago.

But now he was here.

What was worse was that he’d somehow managed to follow you all the way to Jay���s apartment, picked a night Jay was late and practically taken you by force. 

“I should have known.” He muttered as he paced in front of you, as if he’d forgotten you were there. “This was why you turned me down. But two of them?” 

His voice raised at the last question and he looked furiously at you.

“Two?!” 

You flinched, even though you were trying hard not to. Even so, your brain was already putting all the pieces together. He’d stalked you, seen you with your brothers and put everything together into his own narrative. Again.

Jay put down the phone a little harder than he’d meant to, but the rest of the bullpen barely flinched, like they hadn’t heard it, the sound of furious typing and vague telephone conversations not pausing.

Jay could feel his anxiety mounting as each second ticked past but he glanced towards the pantry where Will was sitting, looking down at his hands and reminded himself that at least he was able to do something and that the both of you were counting on him.

He closed his eyes for just a second, even though he knew Kim had looked up and was watching him now.

There was something missing and he knew it. There was something he was not seeing and he just needed one piece to put it all together. At least that’s how he felt. 

With not much to go on, seeing as they weren’t able to find much prints, the team had tried to backtrace your steps but even finding your phone was futile because the burner phones were practically untraceable. After exhausting all possibilities in Chicago, Jay was pretty sure it was something that had followed you home from Europe. Or someone. So Intelligence had put in more efforts to try to connect with the contacts you had had there.

But there was still nothing. Jay had no idea why someone had taken you, what they wanted. He couldn’t think of anyone who wanted to hurt you, but if it was someone who wanted to hurt him, there would have been a ransom call, a message, something. The silence, the lack of knowledge, it was killing him.

Jay heard the door click open, Will motioning towards him with a flick of his head. Sighing, he pushed back his chair, knowing that nothing good would come out of going to his brother with little to no answers.

“Jay, you have to tell me something.” Will said, before the door was even fully closed. “I’m climbing the walls here.”

Jay exhaled, before he looked up at his brother. “We don’t have a lot to go on.”

There was a pause before Will spoke again. “You’re telling me you have nothing.”

Jay didn’t answer.

“Jay, you have nothing? Nothing that could help us find her? She’s out there, somewhere, scared out of her mind and there’s nothing?”

Jay couldn’t even blame Will for raising his voice. Frustration, that was all the emotion behind Will’s voice, frustration that Jay himself couldn’t even express since he was in no position to at this moment. He couldn’t, he had to focus. 

Jay exhaled gently. “We’re working on it, Will.”

Will knew that, he’d just let his frustration get the better of him. He hadn’t meant to make Jay feel worse but just as he opened his mouth to tell his younger brother so, the door opened. 

“Jay. I think you need to take this call.” 

Without another word, Jay gave his brother a look before he headed back for the bullpen and Kim led the conversation. “Hey, Stacie. It’s Kim. Can you repeat what you just told me?”

Jay listened with quiet building anger as the girl on the line talked, explaining that she had been your roommate and had also worked alongside you at the hospital. Then she talked about the patient who’d come in and formed an unhealthy attachment to you, how he waited in front of the apartment building, how he came to the hospital, but she didn’t have a conclusion for the team.

“I don’t know what happened after that. I tried to convince her to continue staying with me so that I could look out for her but she said she didn’t want to create trouble for me. She was worried that he’d do something to me too, so…”

Kim’s eyes flicked to where Jay was gripping the edge of the table so hard, his knuckles were turning white. That sounded just like you, and that really tore at Jay. He didn’t know why you didn’t tell him, or Will. Why didn’t you call to say you were having a tough time, or tell them when you’d come home?

But Jay spoke anyway, keeping his voice so steady, a stranger wouldn’t have realized they were talking about his sister. “Do you have a name?”

Tobias Mills.

Jay was now staring at the records that they’d barely managed to wrangle out of the European authorities. 

Stalking. Threatening behavior. But nothing that could get him convicted.

“I got him.” Adam broke the silence, finally looking up from where he had been studying the airport footage for almost an hour.

“Facial recognition missed him because of what he’s wearing but I’m pretty sure that’s him. Right?” Adam asked, playing the footage again.

Jay gave a grunt of acknowledgement before he studied the footage playing. Tobias had reached Chicago slightly two weeks after you had and someone had met him at the airport.

“I’m on it.” Kim said, before anyone else could say anything, already running facial recognition on Mills’ acquaintance as the rest of the video played out. 

Ben Mason.

Facial recognition popped quickly with a record that didn’t make Jay feel any better. Multiple counts of assault, misconduct, illegal firearm possession, the list went on.

“The money trail. Mills must have paid him for his help.” Kevin said quietly, glancing at Jay.

Jay growled, the worry blooming in his chest. What exactly had Mills paid for?

But thankfully he didn’t have much longer to blindly worry. “Mason’s uncle owned a factory that’s now out of business. As far as we can tell, it’s been abandoned for at least a year. It’s under his mother’s maiden name so…”

Kevin didn’t finish his sentence before Voight nodded. “Gear up.”

You could feel your heart pumping in your chest, feel the adrenaline working through your veins as you now lay on your side, unsure where the pain was coming from, other than the cable ties cutting into your skin. Maybe the roots of your hair were still smarting from when he’d pulled your head back roughly to look at him, or maybe it was when he’d raised his leg to kick you in the chest in his frustration, making your entire body topple backwards. Or maybe it was just the ache from having your arms pulled backwards for such a prolonged time.

“If I can’t have you, no one can.” 

The words echoed in the empty area, bouncing off the walls as if to intimidate you further, even though he’d left a while ago.

Mills had been prepared. That, you knew. Maybe he’d hidden you somewhere no one else would find you. Maybe that’s why Jay hadn’t come for you yet, because you had no doubt that Jay would be here if he knew where you were. 

There was a slam, which signalled his return and you felt your breath pick up. You were sure that if Jay didn’t come soon, things were going to get ugly soon. He was either going to do whatever he wanted with you or kill you in a fit of rage - you didn’t know which was worse.

You tried to breathe slower, reminding yourself you weren’t going to show him fear no matter what. You didn’t raise your head as the footsteps got closer, and you wondered what he was up to. If you didn’t know any better, the footsteps sounded… tentative.

“Y/N!”

The voice you’d been waiting for, the sound of safety you’d known your entire life and you raised your head now, slightly worried that you were imagining things.

His name felt like it was stuck in your throat, the energy suddenly sucked out of you as you felt the adrenaline drop all of a sudden.

“Oh my god.” His voice swept past you, landing on you gently, just as he reached you. You heard his knees hit the ground as he bent over you. “Are you hurt?”

You still didn’t answer him, the fog in your brain worried that it wasn’t true, that when you looked up it would be Mills again. 

But the pressure on your wrists lifted as Jay sliced through the cable ties. “Are you hurt?” He asked again, pulling you up against him, his eyes scanning you up and down.

“Jay?”

Jay nodded now, a small frown forming on his face. “Yeah, it’s me. You’re okay. We’re here. Will’s right outside.”

You didn’t answer but your body now slumped against your brother’s.

Jay turned and nodded at Kevin so that he could bring Will in. Jay knew it would be better to take you outside but he was a little worried about any injuries you might have and if moving you would make things worse. You couldn���t even seem to articulate if you had any injuries.

“Jay? Y/N!” Will’s voice reached you now, as he got to his knees next to Jay, his fingers going straight to feel your pulse, peering at your pupils now. 

“Y/N, does anything hurt? Look at me, Y/N.”

You raised your eyes now to meet Will’s before you shook your head, the fog finally pushing back down again. “Will.”

Will let out a breath that sounded like relief, before he nodded. “Okay, if you’re not hurt we should get you out of here first. Come on.” 

Jay nodded, as Will put an arm around you as well, helping you up. Jay let Will take over as he repositioned his hold on the gun in his hand, getting to his feet as well.

But what threw a wrench in their plans was the back door opening.

Both you and Will looked up at the sound of a door opening and you saw the look on Mills’ face change, the absolute wrath that crossed his face as he saw you pressed against Will’s side. Will felt your hand close around the shirt he had on, the material crumpling in your hand. Jay pressed down his confusion that Mills had gotten past the patrol cars that were supposed to be stationed out there, raising his gun.

“I told you. You’re mine.”

His sentence was cut off by a simultaneous growl from both Jay and Will as you coiled backwards.

Will’s eyes caught the flash of metal first as Mills raised the gun in his hand.

Instinctively, Will pulled you against him and turned, as if he’d done this a thousand times. You let out a sharp inhale, confused for a moment if it was really Will who was now standing between you and Mills, before the gunshot rang out. 

You could feel the fear that gripped at you so hard that it felt like it was hard to breathe. You were afraid to even turn, afraid to know if Will was hurt because of you. 

“Y/N, you okay?” Will’s voice in your ear.

“Will, you…”

You felt Will shake his head. “I’m okay, are you…”

That’s when you felt the energy leave your legs, your body only supported by your oldest brother’s arms around you. 

You turned but Jay stepped behind Will now to block your vision. “It’s over, let’s get you out of here.”

Your brothers took you to the hospital to get checked out. But other than some bruises, pain that would last a few days and some dehydration, you weren’t badly hurt. 

No one had told you much details, but you were sure that the gunshot you thought was Mills shooting Will was from Jay. And if it was between Mills and Will, you were glad Jay had shot the bastard, even if it made you feel dirty inside for even thinking it when someone had died.

You could hear Jay’s voice behind the closed door, raised as he questioned someone on the line.

“What the hell do you mean? My brother and sister could have died! Any one of my team members could have been shot!”

Will turned to look at you now, giving you a small smile. He looked like he was about to say something when the door slid open, Jay stepping in and closing the door behind him.

Your brothers exchanged a look like they’d already had a discussion among themselves without you.

So you knew they wanted to talk, wanted to ask you something. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jay broke the silence first, unable to keep the sadness out of his voice.

You glanced up, surprised. You thought he’d be pissed, like really pissed. Maybe just slightly less than the anger he’d shown while he was on the phone outside.

When both of them didn’t say anything, you let out a short breath. “The whole point of a new environment was for me to grow up. I was supposed to grow outside the shelter the both of you had created for me since I was a baby.” You paused glancing up at them. “I didn’t want to worry you. I thought I could handle it, I didn’t think he would…”

Will moved first, heading towards your side and pulling you tightly against him before he sat on the side of your bed facing you. 

“You’re our younger sister. Worrying us is part of your make up. Jay worries me all the freaking time.” Will said gently, earning him an annoyed puff from the younger Halstead. 

“Yeah, says Dr Halstead who got beaten up within a day since he returned to Chicago.” Jay slightly mocked, moving closer as well.

You laughed, the chuckle bursting forth and making your side ache a little. 

Jay smiled at you. “Promise me something.”

You glanced up at your older brother.

“Don’t keep such serious things from us. Once it starts feeling funky, you tell one of us. Tell Kim. Tell Sylvie. I don’t care who, just tell someone.”

You were quiet for a second, before you nodded. “I promise.”

They both leaned in at the same time, Will putting a hand on the back of our head gently as they squashed you between them, the three of you emanating the same feelings, glad that you were all here together.

Home.

THANK YOU FOR READING!! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS!!

If you want to support me, buy me a coffee!

[autumnslance]

For the number prompt #1 please!

((This got a bit longer than a ”micro”story, but still short. Parental fears, spouse loss. It’s not easy when two of your kids are adventurers.))

Don’t Leave

Tanzel kept his eyes on his work as his wife and her son argued. Zaine wanted to leave; Emelia wanted him to stay. An argument she was losing, as Zaine was a man grown now and determined to return to his father’s homeland.

Tanzel bit his own tongue. He agreed with Emelia, though she was angry he wouldn’t say it. That he did not insist their boy stay, to sate his need for adventure among the Radiant Host, that he not seek a distant history in chilly mountain airs. That he remain safe in their island home.

It was Zaine’s decision. Tanzel had no compelling argument beyond “Don’t leave.”

Aeryn also held her tongue—but she didn’t need to speak. The storms in her eyes made her feelings clear. At least she listened, when her mother begged her not to leave. Tanzel wasn’t sure it was the right decision, though it made him breathe easier.

The morning they watched Zaine leave, Tanzel almost said it. A father’s foolishness, he knew. For this was Zaine’s path, even if it meant that should Tanzel’s stepson ever return to Thavnair, the little boy he had raised would never come home again.

—------------

Tanzel watched his stepdaughter try to hold back her tears as Emelia struggled to breathe.

“Don’t leave,” his girl whispered, squeezing her mother’s hand.

She had more strength than he did. He couldn’t even speak, couldn’t make his own plea as he watched his nightmare recur.

Another love lost. Another wife to bury. Emelia took with her another piece of himself, not enough left to ever go through this again. But he could accept that.

What he dreaded was the piece of Aeryn that would accompany her mother. If only he could make the sound, form the words. Beg Emelia to stay even a little longer, if not for him than for her daughter.

But she had fought so long, so hard, already. He saw it in her eyes as their gazes met one last time. So he smiled for her, and nodded, and held Aeryn—was held by Aeryn, both of them held by his other sons and daughters—as his wife left them all behind.

—---------------

He did not argue, as Aeryn perhaps expected him to. This had been an inevitability, even before Zaine had left them.

No word in over four years. Not since the moon had fallen. And now his sister wished to find him, to join him as they had always planned, even if she thought Tanzel didn’t know that.

Tanzel had paid for education and training for them both. It might not have been enough for Zaine. What guarantee was there that it would be enough for Aeryn?

But she was older—barely—than Zaine had been when he left. Her mother’s loss was still a wound. And a relief too, Tanzel knew. No longer required to nurse an ailing woman, Aeryn had begun to live her own life again. The guilt hung on her heavier than any mourning shroud. Leaving was a means of escaping that guilt while continuing to find her own path.

It was the right decision, but that didn’t make Tanzel breathe any easier.

He almost said it, the morning she left. The words hovered on the tip of his tongue as she embraced him, as he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. “Don’t leave,” his heart begged. “You’re my daughter,” his mouth reaffirmed, the last thing Tanzel allowed himself to say as she stepped away.

Even as the cart bore her to Yedlihmad, he wanted to chase after and shout the words out. A father’s foolishness, he knew. This was her path, even if it meant that should his stepdaughter ever return to Thavnair, the little girl he had raised would never come home again.

—-----------------

The skies burned. He had watched people—neighbors, friends—turn into monsters.

His little girl had not come home. The Warrior of Light stood in her place.

“Don’t leave,” Tanzel blurted out, as she and her friends prepared for their respective missions.

They stopped, awkwardly watching as Aeryn strode toward her stepfather.

“Not again,” he whispered as she pressed a hand to his cheek. Her touch was gentle, her elegant hands scarred and calloused.

“We’ll return,” she promised, leaning her forehead against his. “Take care of everyone; despair, fear, anger; giving in creates the blasphemies. You can keep them calm and safe.”

“I need you to be safe.”

She smiled sadly, shaking her head. “Not until everyone else is.”

He nodded, further words sticking in his throat. He watched her walk back to her companions. He caught the eyes of the man in white, an understanding passing between them. But there was also a resolution in that gaze, shared with Aeryn; he would do his best to keep her safe—by wading into danger alongside her.

Young, reckless fools, every one of them. Exactly what the world needed at this moment. Not a tired old man frightened by the thought of his stepdaughter walking out the door.

A father’s foolishness, he reminded himself as the Scions departed. The Warrior of Light had given him a task. His girl had made him a promise. Now that he had finally said the words, it was somehow easier to perform that task and await the fulfillment of that promise.

Perhaps one day, he wouldn’t have to say or even think of those words again at all. For now, it was simply enough to breathe.

[moonbeambucky]

Hey Neighbor (Part 15)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Word Count: 4021 Warnings: fluff, mentions of the Holocaust

Summary: You had a plan and then life came along with one of its own. With your future almost derailed you worked hard to get yourself back on track and finally everything seemed to be going right… that is, until your new neighbor moved in.

A/N: Thank you also to Ary (formerly @johnnynunzio) for helping me with information and resources for the history of Romani people during the Holocaust

PART 14 | HEY NEIGHBOR MASTERLIST

Walking up the steps to the hospital becomes a little difficult as you zig-zag through groups of people trying not to hit anyone with your umbrella. Under the overhang of the building you shake it out after closing it, hoping the umbrella doesn’t drip too much on the floors as you make your way to the elevator.

It’s been a really wet day but you don’t mind it so much considering all this rain is supposed to bring beautiful flowers next month and the hope of something beautiful is exactly what you needed now.

It hasn’t been the easiest going to work every day. Metro-General is where you first met Billy and now that you’ve broken up it’s all you can think about every time you have to head down to the ER.

Wanda came over that night you got back from work and broke the news that she and Sam spotted Billy with another woman. You insisted on seeing the proof, the pictures being the final push in your decision to end things with Billy.

You admitted how things weren’t the same anymore, his attitude plus lack of caring when you were sick really made you reconsider your relationship. It had been a few days since you spoke to Billy but you wanted to call him out in person, meeting at a coffee shop to discuss things.

Confronting him was easier than you thought but watching him lie to your face was not. You had proof and he still accused you and your friends of lying just to make him look bad. After a small outburst he finally fessed up to seeing the woman named Krista. Billy didn’t tell you how long he had been cheating which pissed you off but you walked away feeling good about ending things.

It didn’t mean that you felt good. You knew that it was Billy’s loss but still, it didn’t feel good to be cheated on. You questioned everything. Was he lying from the beginning? Was work the real reason he had to cancel a few times? All of these questions made you doubt your self-worth.

Your friends were great after your breakup, each one of them there for you, readily offering up a chance to kick Billy’s ass if you let them. You all went out to celebrate how you “took out the trash,” round after round dedicated to your new freedom. But being surrounded by everyone in relationships didn’t make you feel the best, everyone except Bucky.

You might have had a little too much to drink that night and in a tearful drunken cry you might have asked him what was so wrong with you to make Billy cheat.

Bucky might also have had too much as he slurred his answer, but still he was insistent.

“There ain’t nothing wrong about you Y/N. Nothin’. Assholes like Billy treat the world like it belongs to them, like everything is up for the taking, no consequences apply. But he’s wrong and he lost the best thing to ever happen to him. You hear me? You’re the best thing that could happen t’anybody.”

You replay Bucky’s words in your mind as you pass by the nurses’ desk where Billy gave you his card. It was his loss.

Since the breakup you’ve been throwing yourself into work again. Dating Billy wasn’t a mistake, he just wasn’t the right person for you and after careful consideration you decided to chalk up those feelings you might have had towards Bucky towards all the care he gave you when you were sick. 

Bucky was your friend and a great one at that and so you made sure to fill your weekends by keeping a promise. You and Bucky began your pizza quest and it has been amazing. Your pants don’t quite agree with you but it’s definitely been worth it.

In between cases you responded to a text from Wanda. The exhibit she had been working on for The Jewish Museum is opening in a few weeks and she wanted to confirm you would be there. Like she really had to ask, of course you would.

Over the last few months she’s been working so hard on this and you couldn’t wait to be there to support her. Everyone was going and Sam made sure to take the day off.

Bucky: You up for a trek to Brooklyn?

The message caught you off guard but still brought a large smile to your face. You replied quickly asking what he was talking about and by the end of your shift it was decided; you and Bucky were going to Brooklyn for pizza. 

“I haven’t been here in forever,” Bucky said, while opening the door to Spumoni Gardens for you.

“These better be worth the two transfers Bucky. I am starving!”

You may have exaggerated a little but you were pretty hungry. Bucky insisted that you must try this famous pizza, arguing that Brooklyn is technically within the boundaries as part of your pizza quest. Semantics aside, you trusted that the hour long trip to get here would be worth it.

Spumoni Gardens was famous for their Sicilian pie and Bucky ordered one the moment you were seated. Soon enough twelve thick slices were laid out in front of you in the most interesting looking square of pizza you had seen before, with the sauce on top.

With a skeptical eye you squint at Bucky who urges you to take a bite, eagerly awaiting your response. There was no denying it, as you sank your teeth into the deliciously thick crust, with sauce and cheese hitting your taste buds like a pinball setting off lights and sound as it hits the winning targets.

A proud grin settled on Bucky’s face as he held up his own slice, taking a bite as he watched you dab at the bit of sauce in the corner of your mouth with a napkin. His eyes light up, raising his brows in a silent request for your opinion.

“So good.” Every bit of enthusiasm is behind the few words you’ve said, combined with the smile that stayed plastered on your face as you quickly took another bite, needing to taste the symphony of flavors again.

Bucky paid for everything despite your protests. He insisted that since you indulged him in his craving after a long day of work it was only fair. Side by side you slowly strolled back to the train, making a promise to come back for the spumoni when you haven’t stuffed yourselves full of pizza.

Conversation was always easy with Bucky, making the ride back home a breeze. When you reached your block you saw familiar faces headed towards the building.

“Hey guys,” Bucky greeted Clint and Natasha, as they walked with their arms linked to the door.

“We just had the best pizza!” you blurted out, unable to control your enthusiasm for the amazing dinner you had.

“Oh yeah, well we just had some shitty pasta.” Natasha playfully smacked Clint in the stomach for his blunt remark. “What? It wasn’t good!” he snarked.

“We just came back from a wedding expo,” she added.

Her lips were tense as they pressed together. They had been wedding planning for a while, not getting very far. Natasha’s work had set her back, which she didn’t mind since she was excelling professionally but it did require her and Clint to push back their wedding date a few times since they couldn’t commit to the time frame required.

“It’ll come together in time,” you said, offering a hopeful smile.

“All I know is Sonny Burch is not going to cater our wedding. That food was awful. Now tell me more about this pizza.”

Clint was practically drooling throughout the elevator ride as you and Bucky described the incredible pizza you had. After saying goodnight to them you and Bucky held back your laughter hearing Clint begging Natasha to go to Spumoni Gardens tomorrow as the elevator doors were shutting.

“Thanks for dinner Bucky,” you said, pressing a kiss to his cheek before unlocking your door. “Oh wait! Hang on one second!”

As you went inside your apartment you missed the way Bucky touched his cheek, still feeling the tingle of your lips against his skin. A moment later you came out, handing him a wrapped present.

“For taking care of me last month when I was sick.”

“You didn’t have to Y/N.” He meant it, whatever it was you got him really wasn’t necessary but you insisted it was.

Your lips pressed together with excited anticipation, staring at Bucky with widened eyes as he began to tear off the wrapping. He held up the stretched white canvas rectangle with vertical lines of varied height going across it. He smiled kindly, unsure exactly what he was looking at which was fine, his gift needed a little explanation.

“It’s Herrmann’s Psycho score in soundwave form.”

Bucky’s jaw dropped open as he stared at the vertical lines that conveyed every beat, seeing the taller lines represent the higher strings, the greater tension of the score. It was so unique, so perfectly suited for him and he knew you truly understood who he was.

“I love it. Thank you so much Y/N.”

One arm wrapped around you as he held the artwork out of the way. This gift reaffirmed the feelings he felt for you, making it harder to deal with the fact that he wasn’t going to do anything about them.

After your break up with Billy you made it very clear that you were not interested in dating. This was not the time for him to open up to you. He didn’t want to push you into anything you weren’t comfortable with so once again Bucky needed a distraction from his feelings. This is how he found himself back on the dating apps.

He finally went on a date with Bobbi, a few actually, only to find that the real chemistry they had was in the bedroom. The longer Bucky stared at the artwork you gave him the more he felt like calling her to help push aside you and thoughts of the amazing non-date that you had, but he knew she was out of town for the weekend.

Bucky’s too tired to get involved with calling someone else so instead he settled down in front of his keyboard. His fingers glide across the keys as he’s filled with inspiration, pouring his heart into a melody with you on his mind.

Wanda paced back and forth in her apartment, stopping each time to check her reflection in the scalloped mirror above her dresser when she passed it. The way she swept back the few loose tendrils of her now more conservative light brown hair wasn’t out of vanity but nerves, needing to do anything to stop the shakiness of her hands.

“Hey, everything’s going to be perfect. I promise you have nothing to worry about,” you said, offering open arms to Wanda.

She was so fidgety she was barely able to stay in your embrace for more than a second. Wanda couldn’t help it. Tonight was the opening of The Jewish Museum’s exhibit on The Holocaust and Wanda was extremely nervous. Knowing this day was so important to her, you took off from your internship, promising Elena you would make up the hours.

The buzzer of her doorbell rang and Wanda jumped with excitement. “Mom!” Wanda called out, running towards the door.

It had only been a few months since they saw each other but on a stressful day like this nothing comforted Wanda more than her mom.

“Y/N, it’s so good to see you sweetheart.” Marya wrapped her arms around you and it felt like home, and seeing her brought back all the memories of your youth with Wanda and Pietro.

It was impossible not to think about him, especially considering he shared so many features with his mom. Piet would have been so proud of Wanda today and amidst the hug you choke back the tears you felt forming.

Wanda needed to be at the museum early so you and Marya went for a light dinner first as she headed there. Catching up was easy and Marya told you how proud she was for all the hard work you’ve been putting in to get your degree. The passion behind social work was unspoken because she already knew how deeply you felt about the circumstances of Wanda and Pietro’s upbringing.

“I think about it sometimes… what could have been.”

The twinkle in her eye suggested she knew the childhood crush you harbored for her son. It wasn’t something you ever admitted before. Even Wanda didn’t know.

“Years ago I finally had the strength to go through his things. I may have found your names in a heart, scratched on what should have been his notes on American history.”

You brushed aside a tear that trickled down along the curved cheek from your smile. Piet hated history so doodling became a common way to pass the time, and knowing he felt the same doesn’t make it any easier in losing him.

Marya brought a napkin to her face to soak up her own tears. She apologized though you told her there was no reason to. “So tell me, are you seeing anyone?”

As you retold the story of putting off relationships while you earned your degree you saw her mouth pull into a frown.

“Don’t put your life on hold, you know how quickly things can change.”

Her advice didn’t feel like a lecture, and you knew you might have jumped the gun on calling off dating again; not everyone would be like Billy.

An intricately detailed archway leads you through the main doors and into the crowded lobby of the museum. It’s past the normal operating hours, premiering the exhibit for the media and friends and family first.  

You spot your friends gathered together in the corner and happily introduce them to Marya. Sam smiles a little wider as he introduces himself. “Yes, that Sam,” he replied. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Bucky is wearing his long hair down, neatly tucked behind his ears and even in all black he stands out. The white printed pattern on his black button down shirt draws your eye to the velvet blazer that makes him look incredibly sophisticated.

“You look great,” Bucky said, as you both leaned in to press your cheeks against each other for a kiss.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of you and the shine of your beige satin shirt. The delicate gold chain you wore draped lower than the V-neck cut and he let his eyes linger down your body, from the black pants that hugged your figure to the pointed black heels.

“Thanks, you look pretty good yourself. Ooh fancy,” you said, running your hands along his velvet lapel.

The chatter in the lobby grew for another ten minutes until you were directed to follow the group towards the exhibit. Marya was accompanied by Sam and both their faces lit up as they spotted Wanda, standing proudly beside a curtain that was drawn across the entry of the main room. Her eyes twinkled as she spotted them, you and everyone amongst the crowd.

A man not much taller than her walked in front of the curtain with a microphone in hand. He introduced himself as the museum’s director Phillip Coulson. Wanda had always spoken highly of him and you can see why. He was soft spoken with a kind smile, welcoming everyone to the exhibit.

“On the eve of Yom HaShoah we invite you to do what is asked, remember. We remember through stories, from letters that made it out while their writers did not. We remember through pictures, of people and the faces we strive to never forget, of discarded belongings left behind deemed as irrelevant as the lives of their owners. As we remember the decimation and destruction we also remember the endurance, the survival. We remember and we will never forget.”

A round of applause breaks through the crowd with the increased flashing of camera lights as Director Coulson gestures to Wanda who proudly draws open the curtain, opening the exhibit.

The large room is painted in a somber blue, as if the life had been sucked out of a once vibrant sky. It’s fitting. This is a place of reverence, surrounded by artifacts that tell a painful history.

There were three smaller rooms connected to the main area, each showcasing smaller exhibits, one of which you knew was the one Wanda was most proud of. She stood in front of it, awaiting her friends so you could walk through it together.

“It’s called The Ghosts of Genocide and it focuses on the Romani aspect of the Holocaust.”

Unlike the main room there were few displays. One wall was dedicated to Philomena Franz, the first Romani woman to document her experiences in the concentration camps. You read the information beside her photograph, “Zwischen Liebe und Hass” (“Between Love and Hate”) was her autobiography, the dichotomy of a happy childhood against the brutality of Auschwitz.

The next photograph was of Elena Lacková, a Slovakian Romani poet and playwright. “Holocaust Romů v povídkách” (“Holocaust of Roma in short stories”). A copy of the out of print book was behind a glass enclosure.

The large wall featured the paintings of Ceija Stojka, an Austrian Romani Holocaust survivor. You chew on your bottom lip tensely as you stare at the images. Simple ink depictions of dead bodies stacked in a haphazard pile like they were nothing more than logs meant for a fire. One image burns itself into your brain, “Mama in Auschwitz” the wide-eyed look of fear immortalized by the memory of a child.

“Wanda.” You clear your voice of the thickness that built up inside, the heavy lump that weighed on your chest from reading everything. “Forgive me if this sounds disrespectful but I thought you were supposed to incorporate the history of those who were Jewish and Romani.”

She sighed heavily. “I was but there are so many factors that play into the reason why I couldn’t; loss of information being a big one but also most people didn’t specify that they were Jewish. Obviously we know that some were but it was an issue of safety. They were already dealing with being Romani and the prejudices that came with that so they couldn’t come out with it. It’s why we have this.”

She turned you around to the far wall, glossy black tile shines against striking spotlights.

“But it’s blank.”

She nodded, pointing to the dedication. “For the countless, nameless Jewish-Romani lives lost.”

You reached out to touch the wall, your palm against the cold tile; the emptiness that contrasts so starkly in a place filled with history on every wall. And you suppose the lack of information is a lesson learned in history itself.

“This is pretty powerful stuff,” Bucky’s voice called out from behind you.

“Yeah. It is.” You didn’t have any more words.

When the night was coming to a close everyone went home quietly. Wanda’s achievements would be celebrated another night. It was comfortably silent as you and Bucky left the elevator. The unexpected feeling of your arms wrapping around him for a hug was surprising but nice and he deepened the action, firmly pulling you closer to the soft fabric of his blazer.

“Sweet dreams Y/N,” he whispered before you went inside.

That night Marya’s words replayed in your mind and after the exhibit’s reminder on how precious life is you promise yourself to be open to whatever the future brings.

Golden hues begin to creep in on the blue sky ahead of you. As the day starts to wind down the city doesn’t stop. Construction is contained by go-away green walls, with orange and white barricades used to redirect traffic on the busy street. Brake lights flare as the cars begin honking incessantly at the driver going far too slow for the city’s standards.

You see it all from the observation deck of the High Line, accompanied by Bucky and a dozen other people enjoying the first weekend of warmth. You climb the stairs away from the crowd and find a bench beside a small tree.

Bucky opens the box he’s been carrying for a while, revealing two unique and delicious doughnuts that you couldn’t wait to try.

“What’s the square one again?” you asked, licking your lips in anticipation.

“Blackberry jam, and the other is rose I think?” his voice raises with uncertainty. “It looks like a rose at least.”

That it did. The dough was shaped to look like a rose in bloom, with a pink glaze over it. Both were tempting you and the decision was tough but you chose to try the jam filled doughnut first. Hands made sticky by the glaze, you tried your best to pull it apart evenly for Bucky to have an equal share.

Your head nodded in approval as you tasted the sweetness of the jam, mixed perfectly with the airy dough. “This is good,” you said, with your hand hovering over your mouth as you continued to chew through your words.

Bucky brushed his fingers down the corners of his mouth, wiping them on a napkin afterwards and you laughed to yourself. When you were ready Bucky presented the rose shaped doughnut to you as if he was handing over a bouquet.

“How sweet,” you feigned sweetness, bringing your hands together in your best impression of a Disney princess pose.

He let you rip off the first piece of the doughnut, finding it had come apart in a small crescent which was fine, you weren’t sure you could eat much more than that.

Bucky cleared his throat as the glaze melted against his fingers. “So, uh, I have something to ask you.” His nerves stilled momentarily as you hummed in response, sucking the glaze off your fingers.

“Will you be my date to my cousin’s wedding?”

You weren’t sure what he was going to ask but this was definitely not what you imagined. It surprised you especially considering the long list of available women he had to choose from and you couldn’t help but ask him that.

“Them? No. They’re not good enough to bring to a wedding,” he replied.

“Bucky that’s horrible!” you playfully scoffed.

His head dropped down, cringing at his words. “I didn’t mean it like that! I don’t really know any of ‘em that well, and it would be nice to have a friend with me and just have fun.”

Thoughts were running through your head faster than you could process them. Being asked to be Bucky’s date seemed like a dream come true. Yes, despite losing hope in dating after what you went through with Billy it didn’t stop the crush you had on Bucky from growing. But your mind stopped your heart from indulging in its fantasy, reminding you that Bucky legitimately had a long list of women to choose from and you were one of many.

His reasons for asking you made sense, you were very close and sometimes you questioned Bucky’s intentions. He’s never made you feel uncomfortable, it’s the opposite. You’re always comfortable with Bucky, no matter what you do. It feels like what a relationship should be except without the intimacy.

That was the scariest part of it all. Part of you wanted to take a risk and see if there could be something more to what you had but what if it makes you just another girl on his list. A convenient person to sleep with along with the others.

“Please, I already RSVP’d for two,” he begged, staring at you with big eyes as his plush bottom lip protruded out comically far.

The tug of war between your brain and heart wins in favor of the latter as you agreed to go with him, convincing yourself that it’s just a date to a wedding with a friend and nothing more.

PART 16

[queenie-lexieee]

[[ CC Character Profile ]]

Fandom:

Once Upon A Time

Full name:

Belle Gold (French)

Nickname(s):

•Lucy

Sex/Pronouns:

Female

Birthdate:

December 27th

Age:

20-Old Age

(Season 1-7)

Skills/Powers:

•Book Knowledge

•Leadership

•Patiences

•Problem Solving

•Languages

•Map Knowledge

•A bit of fighting

•Manners of a princess

[[ About ]]

Personality:

•Caring

•Loving

•Forgiving

•Booksmart

•Bookworm

•Clever

•Loving

•Adventurous

•Hardworking

•Helpful

•Herioc

•Honest

•Humble

•Knowledge

•Loyal

Likes:

•Books

•Liberties

•Roses

•Traveling The World

•Yellow

•Fighting for what’s true

•Adventures

•Tea

•Helping people

Dislikes:

•Animals

•Jerks

•Being lied to

•Being tricked

•Being hurt

•Being mistreated

•Villains

•Being gullible

•Bullies

Occupation: Pawnbroker, Librarian, Maid

Fears:

Losing love ones

Losing her son and husband

Sexual Orientation: Straight

Species:

Human

Faceclaim: Emilie de Ravin

[[ Relations ]]

Farther: Sir Maurice/Moe French

Mother: Colette

Spouse: Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold

Child: Gideon

Stepchildren: Baelfire/Neal Cassidy (deceased)

Grandchildren: Henry Mills (step-grandson)

Lucy Vidrio (step-great-granddaughter)

Significant Other(s):

Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold

[[ Biography ]]

After the casting of the Dark Curse, Belle becomes a patient in the town hospital's psychiatric ward. Due to remembering his life from the Enchanted Forest, Mr. Gold has memories of how he lost Belle presumably at the hands of her father. One day, he takes away the delivery truck of Belle's father, Moe French, who is late on his rent payments. Later, Mr. Gold's house is ransacked and several items, including his only memento of Belle—a chipped cup—goes missing. All of the belongings except for the cup are returned. Suspecting Moe has it, Mr. Gold decides to take things into his own hands and tries to beat the truth out of the man while expressing a great deal of rage in blaming him for Belle's death. Instead, it is revealed Regina stole the cup, and uses it to goad Mr. Gold into telling her his real name. Satisfied, Regina gives the cup back and leaves to pay a visit to Belle at the hospital while Mr. Gold remains unaware his lost love is alive. ("Skin Deep")

Jefferson is jilted by Regina on her promise that if he helped her retrieve something from the Enchanted Forest to get rid of Emma, and then she'd bring his daughter back to him. To spite her, he decides to free the imprisoned girl in the psychiatric ward and bring her to Mr. Gold, who he knows won't be pleased at what Regina has done. He disguises himself as a hospital staff member and sneaks down to free Belle after drugging the nurse. He urges Belle to seek out Mr. Gold, and gives her instructions to tell him specifically that Regina locked her up. She goes into the pawn shop and informs Mr. Gold what happened. He is shocked to see her alive, and though Belle doesn't remember him, he promises to protect her. Whilst leading her out to the woods towards the wishing well, the Dark Curse breaks. Belle regains her Enchanted Forest memories, and reaffirms her love for Mr. Gold, who she still affectionately calls Rumplestiltskin. From the wishing well, she watches as Mr. Gold mixes the true love potion with the well water, which transforms it into a purple smoke and brings magic back to Storybrooke.

Following the aftermath of the restoration of magic in Storybrooke, Belle and Mr. Gold speak beside the wishing well. She tells him of her imprisonment and asks if the release of magic was to seek revenge for her capture. He states it wasn't his intention, but will use it as an advantage. She makes him promise not to use the magic and seek revenge against Regina, which he agrees to. However, Mr. Gold finds a way to harm his nemesis without himself being the actual person to do so by releasing a Wraith to suck out Regina's soul. Upset at his broken oath, she leaves the pawnshop in tears of anger and frustration. After the Wraith disappears through a vortex, leaving Regina unscathed, Belle returns and states she will remain with Mr. Gold because he is still a "monster". ("Broken")

On night, Belle has a nightmare in which Mr. Gold attacks Leroy, who has come looking for his axe. To her horror, he takes on his old appearance as the Dark One and proceeds to strangle Leroy to death. She wakes up in a cold sweat and goes looking for Mr. Gold; finding him in the basement secretly spinning gold thread and working on magic. The next day, she attempts to ask him about what he was doing in the prior night. When he tries to brush it off, she calls him a coward for not letting her into his life. Then, without informing Mr. Gold, Belle leaves for the diner, where Ruby helps her figure out a possible job at the currently closed down library as a librarian. She goes to peek at the inside of the building from the window, but is distracted and then kidnapped by William Smee, who brings her to Moe French. At first, Belle is overjoyed to see her father again, but balks when he insists that she leave Mr. Gold for good. Unable to convince her, Moe orders Smee to take his daughter outside the town line so that she will lose her memory. Belle is handcuffed to a mining cart underground as it sets off on the tracks. In an attempt to free herself, she grabs a key for the cuffs, but drops it. Belle is saved by Mr. Gold's magic, but makes it clear she doesn't want him in her life, since he is unable to be truthful with her, and is equally unhappy with Moe for making choices for her. While spending time getting acquainted with food at the diner, Ruby gives her a small box someone left on the front desk. The box contains is a key, which Belle uses to open the library. Inside the building, Mr. Gold admits bringing magic to Storybrooke because he doesn't know how to live without magic. However, the price of bringing magic to town is not being able to leave without losing his Enchanted Forest memories, and therefore, Mr. Gold is unable to search for his son, who was also his motivation for making the Dark Curse. He acknowledges experimenting with magic to figure out a way to break the price of magic. After telling her all this, he turns to leave, but Belle wants to start over with Mr. Gold, and invites him for a hamburger at Granny's. ("The Crocodile")

At the diner, Belle celebrates with the miners after the discovery of diamonds in the Storybrooke Mines, which can be made into fairy dust and rescue Emma and Mary Margaret from the Enchanted Forest. While drinking, she sees Ruby being asked out by Billy. Noting her friend's obvious discomfort, she comes over to excuse Ruby for the night with the reason being they are having a girls' night out. Billy takes the rejection in stride and leaves. Belle remarks that he seems nice, though Ruby is distracted and heads to the back room of the diner. The next morning, Billy turns up dead, and Ruby is accused of murder, since she shape shifted into a wolf the night before, but can't remember anything. David and Granny believe in her innocence, as does Belle, who allows them to hide Ruby in the library from the angry townspeople. Ruby is chained up as a safety precaution, but Belle releases her when she asks for a restroom break. Instead, she is cuffed while Ruby, believing the townspeople's hatred towards her is justified, goes to face the mob. Much later, David presumably unchains Belle after discovering Albert is the actual culprit in Billy's death and Ruby's name is cleared. ("Child of the Moon")

Belle and Mr. Gold finally go on a date at Granny's with a serving of hamburgers. They are interrupted by the presence of Regina, who needs Mr. Gold's help in dealing with their nemesis, Cora. Belle asks who Cora is, though Mr. Gold replies she will never have to meet her. Mr. Gold argues he has defeated Cora before, but Regina reminds him that was during a time he "didn't have anything to lose". From this, she indirectly references that Belle will be in danger if Cora reaches her, which makes the librarian nervous. ("Into the Deep")

In the pawnshop, Belle is getting ready for a picnic lunch with Mr. Gold when Emma, David and Mary Margaret arrive. They accuse Mr. Gold of causing Archie's death, to which Belle reacts in disbelief. Mr. Gold proves his innocence by giving Emma a dream catcher to look into the memories of Archie's dog Pongo, who witnessed his owner's death. She sees a recollection of Regina killing Archie in cold blood, though no one is aware it is actually Cora masquerading as the madam mayor. ("The Cricket Game")

She, along with the other townspeople, attend Archie's funeral where Mary Margaret gives a eulogy in remembrance of him. Afterwards, Belle meets up with Mr. Gold, who happily informs her about his success in making a potion to cross the border, which will work if poured on his son's shawl. She wishes to go with him, but he regretfully says the potion is only enough for one person. Later in the day, Belle goes to sort books in preparation for a future library opening. Once inside, she recognizes a stranger as Hook and runs away, but he blocks her. Belle pins him on the floor by toppling a bookshelf and scurries into the elevator.

She calls Mr. Gold and tries to give more details about Hook, but he can't hear her through the bad reception. She stays in the elevator until Mr. Gold comes to the library. Reunited, they hurry back to the pawnshop as Mr. Gold hesitantly tells her how Hook stole his wife, Milah, from him years ago. When she asks what happened to his wife, Mr. Gold says that she died. He discovers the shawl is gone and furiously plans to go after Hook alone. He hands her a loaded gun to defend herself with. She returns to the library and finds a knot Hook left behind. From browsing through a book about knots, she determines it comes from a ship. At the dock, she sees a bird standing on something invisible. Belle uses a pinch of dust to outline the steps onto a ship, and follows them up through a barrier onto the deck. She ventures below deck to free a trapped Archie and urges him to go back to town, which he does. Belle looks for the shawl, and distractedly sets down the gun. Hook makes himself known to her with the shawl in hand. They both lunge for the gun, but he grabs it first and aims it at her forehead. He reveals Mr. Gold killed Milah by ripping out heart and crushing it. Even knowing this, Belle still believes Mr. Gold has changed for the better. She hits him with a rowing paddle and runs away to above deck with the shawl, but Hook gets there first. When Mr. Gold shows up to beat Hook bloody, Belle pleads for him to stop as proof he has changed from the past. They leave together, and later that night, she watches as he uses the potion and shawl to cross the border while his memory stays intact. From the opposite side of the town line, Belle promises to wait for him. Suddenly, a bullet ricochets into her shoulder from behind. She falls over the border into Mr. Gold's arms and loses her memories as Hook is revealed to be the shooter. In an amnesiac state, Belle doesn't recognize her own name when Mr. Gold calls her, and witnesses him conjuring a fireball just as a car crashes into town. ("The Outsider")

Frantic and confused, she doesn't understand what is going on. Mr. Gold is worried about Belle's injuries, so he magically heals them, which only frightens her. Emma arrives in her sheriff car with David and Mary Margaret. While an ambulance is called, Mary Margaret soothes a panicked Belle, and later hands her over to a nurse at the hospital. Taken in as a patient, Belle tries to get some rest, but is startled awake by Mr. Gold kissing her. She screams in horror until he leaves. However, Mr. Gold returns later with a chipped cup, which he says is enchanted with magic, and insists that she try looking at it so her memories might come back. She becomes afraid and unsure when he mentions magic. She gives the cup back, though he keeps pushing it back at her. Frustrated, she angrily throws the cup at the wall as it shatters into pieces. She demands for him to leave, which he finally does in tears. ("In the Name of the Brother")

During Belle's stay at the hospital, Ruby tries to cheer her up with some familiar things, such as her favorite book. Belle suspiciously questions her about the accident and the man who used magic to heal her. Worried about exposing magic, Ruby ignores the inquiry and tries to persuade Belle that the tranquilizers must be giving her hallucinations. Upset no one believes her, Belle acts out violently and has to be sedated by the nurse. Later that night, Greg, who was the driver in car crash, visits Belle in her room. She thinks he doesn't believe her about the fireball just like everyone else, though Greg admits he saw it too. ("Tiny")

While still resting up in her hospital room, Belle meets Regina. Uneasy at the woman's presence, she asks if they were friends. Regina mentions they knew each other, and asks Belle about Mr. Gold and the dagger. She has no memories of anything, so Regina knocks the girl unconscious and uses magic to levitate the items in Belle's bag into the air to find clues on the dagger's location. ("Manhattan")

From her cellphone, she receives a call from Mr. Gold. Apologetically, Belle tries to tell Mr. Gold she doesn't remember him, which he knows, but wanted to give his last regards to her as he is dying. He describes the person he knew in her; a beautiful woman who loved an ugly man, and further explains that she creates goodness in those who don't have any. Belle begins to tear up at his words, but he hangs up before she can respond. ("The Miller's Daughter")

When Mr. Gold pays her a visit, Belle is happy and relieved to see he survived and didn't die. She is more trustworthy of him since their phone conversation and believes that he wants to help her regain memories. She tries to thank him for healing her, but he avoids the topic of magic, which disappoints her. While Mr. Gold is getting her discharged from the hospital, Belle packs up her belongings. Regina comes in to introduce herself as the mayor.

When she hears from Belle that Mr. Gold is going to help restore her memories, Regina is displeased. Thinking quickly, Regina bends down to pick up an item, and instead conjures an enchantment on little red card of the town bar, The Rabbit Hole. Regina asks if it belongs to Belle. Though Belle says no, Regina suggests she should take a better look at it. Belle glances down at the card and is surprised at the flood of memories, exclaiming she remembers who she is. In fact, Regina has given her false memories to replace the ones she lost previously. Belle assumes the name Lacey and leaves the hospital to hit up the bar by playing pool and chatting with Mr. Clark. Mr. Gold approaches her, and she remembers him as the man who visited her at the hospital. A man, Keith, tries to flirt with her, but she shoots him down. Mr. Gold asks Lacey out on a date at Granny's, which she accepts out of pity for him. Despite turning down Keith earlier, she makes plans to meet with him behind the diner.

During the date, Lacey is impressed by Mr. Gold's approachable personality since the stories about him say otherwise. She states that it's important to truly know someone by seeing what's in a person's heart. He accidentally spills wine on her dress, so she goes to clean up, but actually goes to make out with Keith outside. Mr. Gold witnesses them and shoves Keith off in the belief he is assaulting Lacey. Instead, she admits the real reason she agreed to the date. Lacey is simply not attracted to Mr. Gold's nice guy personality, and specifies they do not fit together because she isn't Belle. Later, in the bar's parking lot, she watches Mr. Gold beating up Keith. Intrigued, she realizes Mr. Gold is actually more than meets the eye, and finds herself drawn to his dark nature. She stands by with a mischievous smile as Mr. Gold continues to hit Keith. ("Lacey")

Afterwards, she and Mr. Gold leave and walk down the street chatting happily, which is secretly witnessed by Hook through a telescope in the clock tower. ("The Evil Queen")

One morning, while on the streets, Mr. Gold accuses Dr. Whale of eyeing Lacey in a suggestive manner and intimidates him into a cowered state. With Lacey's approval, he is inches away from stamping his foot in Dr. Whale's face when Neal rushes out of the bed and breakfast to stop the dispute. Neal is disgusted at his father's actions and reminds him of the time he turned someone into a snail. Amused, Lacey laughs and asks to know more about it, but Mr. Gold senses tension from Neal, so he sends her off to wait for him elsewhere while he converses with his son. Lacey spends more time with his Mr. Gold at his shop as they drink. She is exasperated and annoyed when asked to step in the next room after Mary Margaret and David come to Mr. Gold for help in finding a missing Regina. She overhears them bargaining with him for magic. After they are gone, she asks about his magic use and is amazed when he procures an expensive looking necklace out of thin air and helps her to put it on. After learning more about Mr. Gold inability to age due to his powers, Lacey wonders if she, too, could become immortal so they could be together forever. He says it's possible, but mentions that it doesn't keep a person immune from dying. Mr. Gold goes on to tell her about the prophecy a seer gave him a long time ago that a certain someone will be his undoing, which he takes to mean his death will occur because of that person. Puzzled, Lacey questions why he doesn't just get rid of the obstacle in his way as he's the kind of man who won't let anything stand in his way. ("Second Star to the Right")

After some of pawnshop guests leave, Lacey pops out from the backroom. When she spills a cup of scotch all over the table and hastily tries to use Baelfire's shawl as a wiping rag, Mr. Gold angrily berates her. Startled, she apologizes, to which he pulls out a bag and spills out the contents--broken pieces of the chipped cup--onto the table. Using magic, Mr. Gold reconstructs the cup to its unbroken state. Lacey expresses confusion over his fixation on the cup, but drinks a potion substance when he pours it for her. After a moment, Lacey's persona is replaced by the return of Belle. They have an emotional reunion. Mr. Gold apologizes for bringing her back when they are going to die from the trigger's effects, but needed the support. She comforts him as he cries over the loss of his son. The trigger is stopped with the combined magic powers of Emma and Regina, but Henry is kidnapped by Greg and Tamara and taken to another world. Mr. Gold decides he must go along to save him. Belle wants to go, too, but he instructs her to stay and keep the town safe. Sadly, Mr. Gold won't be able to return to her. Even to this, Belle keeps up her hopes that the future is uncertain and perhaps they will see each other again. They part with a kiss. Belle praises Mr. Gold for his efforts as Neal would be very proud of him. ("And Straight On 'Til Morning")

She watches the Jolly Roger sail off into a portal in the ocean and disappear from sight. Archie, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Leroy, Mr. Clark, Mother Superior and Walter run up to her at the docks. Belle admits to them that the others went to another world on a ship to rescue Henry from Greg and Tamara's clutches. After showing them the cloaking spell Mr. Gold left behind for her to enact as he warned there will be more people coming to Storybrooke, they go down to the mines. Since fairy dust is necessary for the spell, Bashful, Dopey, Leroy, Mr. Clark and Walter quarry a large rock until opening a crack. With encouragement from Mother Superior, Belle dumps the vial's contents on the rock; causing a stream of magic to shoot out and begin covering a barrier over Storybrooke. Afterwards, she talks to Archie about missing Mr. Gold and worries he will die. Belle wishes to help save Henry, though Archie thinks she did more than enough by protecting Storybrooke. Yet, she is dissatisfied since pouring a potion over rocks isn't much to her. Belle also thinks no one is going to invade the town, and believes Mr. Gold doesn't need her. Suddenly, a guest from Neverland, Ariel, brings Belle a sand dollar from Mr. Gold. The two head over to the pawnshop where Belle triggers the item to reveal a message from Mr. Gold hinting at the location of the item they need to defeat Pan. He states that it can be found with "the strength of their love", and later recognizes the riddle's answer as the chipped cup. After placing the cup in the cupboard, it activates a hidden panel in the floor. Belle pulls out Pandora's Box, which legend says contains the world's darkest evil. They are ambushed by two strangers, Michael and John, who then tie them up. When threatened by their guns, Belle admits the box is magic, and learns they work for Peter Pan. After the men leave with the box, Belle pulls off Ariel's bracelet, which transforms the later back into a mermaid, allowing wiggle room out of the binds. Then, Belle stops John and Michael from smashing the box with a dwarf pickax by shoving them away with a mine cart. They plead for her not to help Mr. Gold, and admit to helping Pan because he has their sister Wendy captive. To this, she persuades them that the box is the key to freeing Wendy. Belle sees Ariel off on her journey back to Neverland with the box. ("Dark Hollow")

Following a safe journey out of Neverland to Storybrooke, Belle welcomes back Mr. Gold and Neal. Peace resumes as Mr. Gold seals the box containing Pan away in the pawnshop. Belle brings up the endless possibilities of his future now that everything is settled. Mr. Gold agrees, and states that the only future he wants is where they are together. The next day, as she and Mr. Gold are exiting the shop, David, Emma and Mary Margaret rush over to ask for the box as they believe Pan is controlling the escaped Shadow from inside it. Belle goes with them to the town border and watches as Emma steps over the town line and Mr. Gold opens the box to release Pan on the same side. Pan claims to be Henry, as the two switched bodies, and proves it by telling Emma something only the boy himself would know. They all regroup with Hook, Neal and Tinker Bell at the vault. where Regina took "Henry" for protection, though the door is locked. Mr. Gold busts the door open with magic. Inside, Regina is found unconscious while one critical item is missing and now in Pan's hands--the Dark Curse. ("The New Neverland")

Mr. Gold shares with everyone of the only viable way to stop Pan's curse is for Regina, as the original caster of the Dark Curse, to undo it by destroying the scroll, though there will be a steep price for this. They plan to switch Henry back to his own body so he will be in possession of the scroll and bring it to Regina. Mr. Gold can perform the spell, but needs a strong outlet in order for it to work. Tinker Bell has knowledge of a powerful Black Fairy wand that Mother Superior kept, so she, David, Hook and Neal go to retrieve it from the convent nuns. When the wand is procured, Mr. Gold uses it to transfer Henry's spirit back to his original body. Everyone leaves to find the boy while Mr. Gold stays behind. With Granny's tracking skills, they are reunited with Henry. Regina passes out after taking the scroll and awakens with knowledge of the price for stopping the curse. They are accosted by Pan as he steals back the scroll and freezes them in place. Pan narrows down his choice of first kill from Belle to Neal just as Mr. Gold intervenes. Belle listens as Mr. Gold declares his love for her, as well as Neal, but regretfully states that he can't be together with them. Mr. Gold summons the dagger and stabs Pan as well as himself with it; killing both of them as they fade away. After the freezing spell wears off, Belle collapses on the ground in heartbroken grief. Regina reveals the price for stopping the curse is all former Enchanted Forest inhabitants will be sent back to their old world while Storybrooke will disappear out of existence. Emma decides to stay with Henry, and will leave town while Regina crafts new memories for them. At the town border, Archie lends his shoulder to a despondent Belle. Once Emma and Henry cross out of town, Regina stops Pan's curse, causing everyone inside town to be sent back to the Enchanted Forest. ("Going Home")

A new curse is cast by none other than Snow White; returning Belle and the rest of the Enchanted Forest inhabitants to the town of Storybrooke. However, as a result of Wicked Witch of the West's interference, everyone's last recollection is the final day in Storybrooke when Regina stopped Pan's curse, but no one can recall anything further than that. Belle resumes life, albeit without Mr. Gold, and begins running his pawnshop. Emma returns and holds a town hall meeting to figure out who is behind the new curse. Leroy is quick to accuse Regina of wrongdoing, and Belle follows suit in agreement as do the other residents. Even Emma refuses to believe Regina, who causes a building tremor out of frustration, and then magically dissipates away. Unknown to everyone, aside from Leroy—who is also in on the scheme—this is a ploy Emma and Regina set up in order to make the townspeople believe the madam mayor is guilty while the two sleuth out the real criminal. ("Witch Hunt", "The Tower", "A Curious Thing")

One day, a midwife named Zelena comes into the pawnshop, mistaking her for "Mrs. Gold", and then asking for Mr. Gold himself. Belle quietly states that he died, to which Zelena gives her deepest condolences. As a customer, Zelena seeks Belle's help to pick out a baby gift for an expecting Mary Margaret. Belle happily assists and turns to search for just the right gift when she is magically frozen in place by Zelena, who grabs a plant called night root from a compartment behind a wall painting. Presumably, Belle is unfrozen and has no idea anything is amiss. ("The Tower")

Belle is alerted to the recent news about Mr. Gold's revival by Emma and is tasked with researching how he was resurrected. David and Emma go searching for Mr. Gold while Hook opts to stay behind in the pawnshop with Belle. She takes his decision warily, especially since he tried to kill her twice prior, though Hook states that he means to use this time to make it up to her. The two begin taking books off shelves when a noise erupts from pawnshop's front door. Believing Mr. Gold has come back, Belle sprints off; witnessing the door being rammed open, though the person is not her beloved, but a collapsed Neal. After taking him to the hospital, Emma snaps a photo of a triangle mark burned into Neal's palm, which Belle begins looking into it. Discovering the symbol's meaning in a book, she phones Emma to notify her that the mark originates from a key to the vault of the Dark One. Assuming Neal used it at some point, Mr. Gold was resurrected in this manner, but the catch is the Dark One will be revived while the key user will die. Emma discovers Neal is still alive due to being in Mr. Gold's body. After she magically separates them, Neal perishes. Saddened by the news, a grieving Belle is comforted by Mary Margaret. ("Quiet Minds")

In mourning, Belle attends Neal's funeral to pay her respects. Afterwards, at the diner, Zelena publicly reveals herself as Regina's half-sister and forces her sibling into a showdown on Main Street after sundown. In preparation, lest Zelena is planning something wicked, Belle, David and Tinker Bell seal off the streets. Hoping to swaying Mr. Gold to their side despite that Zelena is controlling him with the dagger, she sneaks into the farmhouse cellar to coax him out of his prison while David, Emma and Tinker Bell stand guard outside. Belle nearly succeeds until he warns her it's a trap, to which she notices Zelena has been quietly watching from the shadows. Fleeing, she stumbles out just before Mr. Gold, on Zelena's command, tells them to stay out of the way or risk death. During the evening, on Main Street, Zelena approaches while trailed by a helpless Mr. Gold. Belle witnesses Regina being thrown into the clock tower by Zelena, who later flees on her broomstick. ("It's Not Easy Being Green")

When Ariel enters the pawnshop, Belle is relieved that she is all right after not seeing her since the new curse has been in effect. She helps Ariel and Hook to search the shop for one of Eric's old belongings in the hopes of finding him. After Hook discovers Eric's cloak, Belle pours a locator potion on it. The cloak becomes enchanted and floats towards the location of its owner, to which Ariel and Hook follow along. ("The Jolly Roger")

After catching Regina sifting through items in the shop, Belle, still upset about being locked up for twenty-eight years, tells her to get lost. Regina offers an apology and asks Belle to think about Mr. Gold, who is still Zelena's hostage. Anger quelled, Belle calms down enough to admit she's been piecing together the ingredients Zelena has collected to find out what spell the witch is trying to cast. However, Belle is stumped over what is so special about Regina's heart that Zelena desperately needs it. Regina decides to find out what Zelena wants by talking to Cora, which is made possible once Belle gives her the now defunct candle to access the land of the dead. When Belle cracks Zelena's spell, she tells the others and they regroup at Regina's house where Mary Margaret was just possessed by Cora's spirit. Mary Margaret explains that her own mother, Queen Eva, caused Cora's marriage to Leopold to fall through, which resulted in Zelena being abandoned. Belle reveals the collected ingredients—David's courage, Regina's heart and Mr. Gold's brain—are items for a time spell to alter the past. Namely, Zelena desires to kill Eva so Cora would have never abandoned her first-born child. ("Bleeding Through")

Regina figures out the key to break the curse and getting everyone's memories back is to make Henry believe in magic. When Emma recalls believing in magic because of Henry's storybook, David, via a phone call, asks Belle to search for the item in pawnshop, but she does not find it. Once Regina bestows Henry with a kiss of true love, the curse breaks and everyone regains their memories from the lost year in the Enchanted Forest. ("A Curious Thing")

After Second Curse

Once the second curse is broken, Mary Margaret goes into labor at the hospital as Belle stumbles upon Zelena in the hallway. Zelena scoffs at Belle about not having learned her lesson the last time the dagger was utilized on Mr. Gold. Belligerently, Belle asserts her refusal to believe that, even though Mr. Gold desperately insists she must leave. Continuing to give Zelena a tongue-lashing over what she's put Mr. Gold through, Belle suddenly collapses, via the witch's magic, in his arms. Though Mr. Gold doesn't wish to leave his beloved, he is forced to by Zelena's will. In the aftermath, Zelena successfully makes off with the newborn as the last ingredient for her time spell, however, Regina herself defeats her sister with light magic. Regina, gaining the dagger, hands it over to Belle for safekeeping. She returns to the pawnshop where Mr. Gold is waiting for her. Once there, she relinquishes the dagger into his possession so he can be forever free of anyone's control. The only thing Belle asks of him is to not go after Zelena as she knows he is capable of being good. Due to Belle's immense trust in him, he affirms to do the same for her. As Mr. Gold hands back the dagger, he proposes to Belle, which she happily accepts by putting down the weapon and drawing him into an embrace. Without her notice, Mr. Gold switches the dagger; taking the real one while replacing a fake in the pawnshop. Unseen to Belle, he later kills Zelena; accidentally triggering magic in her pendant, which activates the time spell. ("Kansas")

Belle, unable to keep what she believes is the real dagger, tries to give it back again. Mr. Gold insists he trusts her completely and then changes the topic to their upcoming wedding. She happily informs him that her father, Moe, has given his blessing to them. During the diner celebration welcoming David and Mary Margaret's newborn son, Belle and Mr. Gold walk in as Zelena's time spell is activated. They both follow David, Regina and Robin Hood to check up on Zelena, who is now missing from the jail cell. Regina suspiciously accuses Mr. Gold of wrongdoing but he attests Belle has the dagger and wouldn't order him to harm Zelena. To prove it, David runs the security tape, which Mr. Gold secretly manipulates to give the appearance that Zelena used magic to turn herself into a statue, which shatters and melts away into powder. As a group, they agree to leave the time portal untouched, however, Emma and Hook enter through it to the past where they recreate a first meeting between Prince Charming and Snow White and then return to the present. Later, Belle witnesses David and Mary Margaret announce they are naming their son after a true hero—Neal. During the marriage ceremony, Archie acts as pastor while Belle is walked by her father to her future husband. Beginning her vows, Belle recalls losing Mr. Gold to darkness, weakness and death, but has actually spent her life finding him. He talks about being unloved and unloving since love has always given him pain, but she was the one who brought light into his life. Mr. Gold promises to never forget what he once was and what he is now. Belle believes the monster in him is gone, even though as a man he is flawed, everyone is too, which only deepens her love for him. ("Snow Drifts", "There's No Place Like Home")

Following the wedding, she encourages Mr. Gold into visiting Neal's grave site. Afterwards, Belle shows Mr. Gold a vacant mansion that she wants to use as their honeymoon suite. Inside, as she chatters on about the scenic ocean view, he magically freezes her in place and switches out the fake dagger in her purse with the real one. As he unfreezes her, Belle then leads him into a large dance hall. To have their first dance as husband and wife, Mr. Gold transforms their clothes and adds lighting and a playing gramophone as they waltz together. Later that night, an unassuming Belle is asleep when Mr. Gold takes the real dagger and uses it on a mysterious cylinder object in the house. At some point, he once again places the fake dagger into Belle's purse. ("A Tale of Two Sisters", "Rocky Road")

Returning to the shop, Belle and Mr. Gold discover it's been broken into. When the couple enter, Henry emerges and reveals he was hiding inside. As Belle walks into the back room, Henry greets her before he talks with his grandfather.[2][3]

Later, whilst working together in the pawnshop, Mr. Gold and Belle's martial bliss is interrupted by the appearance of David and Hook, who inform them that an ice magic wielder, Elsa, entrapped Emma in a cave where she is freezing to death. David explains Elsa is looking for her sister, Anna, whose pendant she found in the pawnshop. Belle fishes out a photo of the necklace, which David recognizes as belonging to a woman he once knew as Joan, whose real name must be Anna. ("White Out")

Inside the pawnshop, Belle stands by as Emma and Hook question Mr. Gold about his knowledge of Elsa. As Emma recalls, he had the urn, which Elsa was trapped within, in his vault. Mr. Gold professes he doesn't know Elsa and that items, like the urn she was trapped in, naturally fall into his possession as a collector, but the histories behind them are unknown to him. Hook counters that Mr. Gold wouldn't unless he had something to gain out of it. Owning up to his past, Mr. Gold affirms that was true once, but since losing a son and gaining a wife, he's "turned over a new leaf", which impresses Belle. In order to satisfy their skepticism, he allows Belle to command him, using the dagger, into revealing the truth. After she orders him into doing so, Mr. Gold professes that he did not know Elsa was trapped in the urn and that he doesn't know her or Anna, though it is a lie, as the dagger is a fake. Nonetheless, this declaration whittles Emma's doubts. ("Rocky Road")

One morning at the library, Belle discovers a drunken man sleeping on the floor near some book shelves. She phones Emma, who promptly arrives to apprehend the man into her custody at the sheriff's station. ("The Apprentice")

Assigned as Neal's caretaker for the day, Belle heads to the apartment where she cradles the cooing infant while sitting on Mary Margaret's bed. Nearby, at the counter, David quietly soothes Mary Margaret's worries about leaving Neal; saying that Belle is a natural with the baby and she has their emergency numbers if anything goes wrong. ("Breaking Glass")

Receiving an urgent call from Emma, Belle tracks down Mr. Gold at the pawnshop and they go to the sheriff station where David, Elsa, Henry, Hook, Mary Margaret and Regina are also gathered. Emma plays a camera recording, filmed when she was in a foster home, which reveals her then foster mother was the Snow Queen. At Henry's revelation that the Snow Queen has an ice cream truck, everyone splits up to search. David suggests Belle utilize tracking skills, but she'd rather research at the library. With hidden nervousness, she allows Elsa to come with her. Unbeknownst to Elsa, Belle once met Anna in the past and let her down. Losing hope, Elsa wonders if Anna put her in the urn, just as the Snow Queen claimed, and that her sister doesn't want to be found. Guilt-ridden, Belle excuses herself to make things right. Armed with the dagger, she commands Mr. Gold to lead her to the Snow Queen. After he does, Belle orders him onto watch duty while she goes into the Snow Queen's lair. Inside, she hopes to retrieve a Sorcerer's Hat to force the Snow Queen into revealing Anna's location. Unveiling a mirror, Belle's reflection taunts her about being a coward by having once valued a stone over Anna's life. The doppelganger nitpicks Belle into believing the dagger is fake. While in a trance, she slashes Mr. Gold's neck. Mr. Gold grabs Belle and teleports them to the pawnshop where she snaps out of it. There, she admits Anna is missing because of her and apologizes for abusing the dagger and using him. When Mr. Gold forgives her, Belle expresses remorse for keeping a secret from him as she knows he would never keep something from her. Rushing to the sheriff station, she reveals to Elsa how Anna was captured by the Snow Queen in the past. Relating knowledge about Ingrid's mirror, Belle explains it's key for casting a spell of shattered sight, which will make everyone turn on each other. ("Family Business")

Belle deciphers a spell to give Emma the opportunity to capture Ingrid. As the spell dictates, a candle must be lit with magic and then blown towards the target, which will form binds on the person's wrists. After Emma succeeds in doing so, she brings Ingrid to the station for questioning. Belle walks up to the clock tower where David, Elsa and Hook are studying a mirror previously placed by the Snow Queen. She hastily rushes over; warning the trio not to look in the reflection or it'll brainwash them. On closer examination, Belle notices it's not the same mirror she saw in the Snow Queen's lair. Realizing they have been duped, the group arrive too late to the station entrance, which has already been frozen shut by Ingrid. Storming into the pawnshop, they request Mr. Gold's assistance, and he only agrees after much imploring from Belle. Joined by Henry and Mary Margaret, everyone arrives to the station as an explosion tears open a hole in the building. A shaken Emma explains the Snow Queen got away, but she herself caused the combustion. With her powers spinning out of control, Emma then accidentally collapses a streetlight, which almost falls on Hook, but David takes the hit. Due to this, Mary Margaret reprimands Emma, but upon seeing her daughter's hurt expression, she retracts her anger. However, a shaken Emma flees and drives off in her car. ("The Snow Queen")

While everyone spends the entire night searching for Emma, Belle babysits Neal. She tells Mr. Gold about what's happening, and he secretly decides to use the situation to his advantage by attempting to trick Emma into giving up her powers to the hat. ("Smash the Mirror")

In a deal, Ingrid allows Mr. Gold to leave town with Belle and Henry once the curse is in effect. At the pawnshop, Belle reveals to Elsa and Emma that they can defeat Ingrid's curse with a hair strand from someone who has already been affected by the same spell and making a counter spell with it. Elsa suggests that she herself was sealed in the urn, by Anna, who was under Ingrid's spell, so her sister may fit the criteria. Under a magnifying glass, Belle sees mirror dust embedded in the pendant, which proves Elsa's theory. A plan is formed to gather the nuns for creation of the counter spell while Elsa and Emma use a locator spell to find Anna. With the nuns, Belle assists them at the diner when Mr. Gold arrives asking her to watch over the pawnshop. She insists on staying since the counter spell is very important, and he relents by deciding to keep her company until the business is finished. Elsa and Emma are led to a mine cave-in and are prepare to blast through to reach Anna until Belle phones David to let them know the nuns can make a counter spell with only the necklace. Elsa dupes them by handing over a pouch full of rocks and takes the real pendant to continue tracking her sister. After reaching the diner, everyone discovers the truth. Emma offers to retrieve the necklace, but Belle states that by the time she gets back, the counter spell will not be potent. Later, Belle receives word that Anna has been found and is on her way to the diner, so she leaves the remaining work to the nuns. She then departs with Mr. Gold; not knowing he is luring her away so Hook can help him absorb the nuns into the hat. They say their goodbyes outside the pawnshop, and Belle goes into the back room as he enacts a shield to protect her. ("Fall")

Under the curse, Belle's actions are not known. After the spell is undone by Ingrid, she is asleep in the pawnshop backroom as Mr. Gold watches over her. ("Shattered Sight")

After Belle awakens, her husband suggests packing for a trip to New York so they can have a proper honeymoon. While closing a suitcase, she talks to Henry about going out of Storybrooke. Puzzled, the boy informs her that remnants of Ingrid's magic will keep those who leave town from reentering. Although Belle did not know this, she assumes Mr. Gold has found a loophole around the issue. Noticing Henry is unhappy, she learns he is disappointed over the fairytale storybook and all the bad things that happen to Regina in it. She points out that it won't always be so since his mother is changing for the better. This cheers up Henry, who thanks her and endearingly calls her "Grandma", which makes Belle laugh and suggest he just refer to her by name. As Henry helps her pull out another suitcase, some stacked items fall in the process. Within the pile, Belle is shocked to see the magic gauntlet, an item used to locate one's greatest weakness, which Mr. Gold once traded to save her life. Troubled by the find, she tests the gauntlet out and it leads her to the real dagger. Witnessing Mr. Gold crushing Hook's heart, Belle orders him via the dagger to stop. She then commands him to drop the heart and unfreeze Emma and Mary Margaret. Thirdly, Belle makes him teleport both of them to the town line. There, she recalls when he traded the gauntlet for her, and her perception that this proved he had love in him. Instead, Belle recognizes he has not and will never give up power for her. He insists having power is not a bad thing, and they can have both, though Belle states she only wanted his love. Mr. Gold pleads for another chance, but she refuses. Having once said she saw the man behind the beast in him, Belle angrily declares he's just a beast now. In tears, she banishes him out of Storybrooke. ("Heroes and Villains")

During the six weeks after Mr. Gold's departure, Belle and Hook research a spell for freeing the nuns from the hat. One morning, she opens up the library as Hook meets her there after parting from Emma, who goes on sheriff duty. Once inside, Hook studies a board complied with information concerning the missing nuns, and in anger over the lack of progress, he knocks if off the wall. Belle tries assuring him that they do have a spell to release the nuns as well as the apprentice, but it'll take some time since she is consulting with outside sources to translate it. When Hook expresses guilt for imprisoning the apprentice and anger about Mr. Gold's trickery, she openly recognizes her own weakness in not seeing her husband for what he was due to being blinded by love. She believes Hook dealt with the same, except his love for Emma was used against him by Mr. Gold. Despite all the bad things her husband did, Hook asserts Mr. Gold did truly love her. Teary-eyed, Belle remarks that she hopes he found what what he was looking for. Later in the day, she receives an email from an Oxford professor, not knowing it is actually Mr. Gold, who gives her the translation, to which Regina uses the dagger to perform a ceremony on the hat. The nuns return safely, and while everyone basks in the reunion, none of them see a Chernabog being released from the hat and flying off. While the diner is bustling with activity to welcome the nuns back, the Chernabog makes itself known to the townspeople. With Emma, Hook, Mary Margaret and Regina, Belle ducks for cover behind a building as the group come up with a solution. After Emma and Regina temporarily stun the beast with their combined magic, Belle goes to look up information about the Chernabog at the library. Eventually, with knowledge from Cruella De Vil and Ursula about the Chernabog, the creature is forced across the town line and fades out of existence. ("Darkness on the Edge of Town")

Hearing of Cruella and Ursula's arrival to town, Belle prepares a transformation potion as a safety measure. Once the female duo enter into the pawnshop, she warns them not to try anything or the potion will turn them into toads. Giving congratulations to her for banishing the Dark One, they drop hints about Mr. Gold's sad circumstances in New York. As they tease her about whether she is satisfied with his suffering, Belle asserts she would never be pleased about someone else's misery. Without the brunette's notice, Ursula uses her tentacles to reach into the backroom and grab a wooden box containing Maleficent's totem. Belle then questions whether the two of them actually came to buy anything, so Cruella asks her to find something fashionable to adorn her car hood. After the women leave, Belle receives a phone from Emma about Cruella and Ursula's suspicious behavior. Checking the backroom, she finds the wooden box missing, to which David forces Cruella to pull over her car so he can search the vehicle. In the evening, as Belle is fixing one of the window displays, Mr. Gold secretly watches her from across the street with a longing gaze. When Will walks up to her inside the shop, she smiles happily before kissing him; much to Mr. Gold's shock. ("Unforgiven")

In the pawnshop, as Henry studies the storybook for clues on the author, Belle walks over carrying a snack as she inquiries about his research. The boy explains finding a page with a door, which he believes will lead to the author. She encourages him to continue investigating and then hands him the snack. While she is on a diner date with Will, Hook pulls Belle aside for a chat and tells her about Regina going undercover and finding out Cruella, Maleficent and Ursula are seeking the author to change their stories. Since the trio want Regina to steal something, he speculates they need the dagger to lure the Dark One into town and control him for the mission. Convinced that the dagger must never fall into their enemies' hands, Belle meets up with Hook to hand the weapon to him so he can hide it. Before doing so, she ominously considers the possibility that Mr. Gold is already in town. To quell her worries, Hook encourages her to order the Dark One with the dagger to face her if he is present. When her command yields nothing, Belle is relieved, however, she remains unaware Mr. Gold is already in front of her, except he is disguised as Hook. Turning the dagger over to him, she then returns to the pawnshop, where Will left a rose for her outside the door. Placing the gift in a vase, she busily admires it as Hook returns and persuades her into reciting a pirate's oath, in which neither of them must ever speak about the dagger to each other or anyone else. When questioned about her romance with Will, Belle admits the relationship is new, and she's not completely over Mr. Gold, but he makes her happy. Curiously, she wonders why he and Will are on bad terms, to which Hook states the man took something he cares about. Once he's outside the shop, Mr. Gold reverts back to himself and sadly regards Belle before leaving.

A lot more happens in between, she had a son named Gideon, things happen with him. Belle finally travels with Rumple, (her husband) and dies of old ages in the seventh season.

[gender-critical-analytical]

visiting so much of my dad's side of the family has been really interesting, in the sense that I get to compare and contrast the differences between my mom's side and my dad's side, and that it makes me a lot more thankful that I was raised by my mom instead of my dad.

like, my mother has always been very passive and uninvolved in raising me, it was up to my grandma to make sure I was fed and in good health, but other than that I was a very free range child and teenager, my mother has never asserted any authority over me, and I've essentially grown up very strangely because of that. I haven't been treated like a regular child, I've been a roommate to my family, I've been treated as an equal from the get go, for the most part.

my nana, on my father's side, raised her children through force, she didn't take any talking back or arguments/debates, she always had to be right, and never allowed her children to question her. I visited her and challenged something she said, and it became a scream fight with her, one where she told me to shut up and respect my elders, that I was out of line in questioning anything she said. that's wild to me, in my house if I disagree with something that's said, as soon as it's my turn to speak I can say what I like in return, and I can make my point, if my family agrees or disagrees has nothing to do with the matter. never once has 'respect your elders' been used to shut me down, or really at all, because I've been raised to respect whoever I respect, based on my own reasoning. that's why I've always loved my dad's sister, my aunt. she spent her early twenties volunteering and traveling, she was an activist, who worked to become a nurse (a genuinely kind and non-judgmental woman, who imo is the exact type of person you'd want as a nurse). I chose to visit her and spend time with her of my own volition, and we bonded naturally as family because of that, whereas when I finally gave in to the pressure to see my nana, we clashed instantly, because I don't respect her yet (nor will I ever, at this rate) but she feels that she's entitled to my love and respect simply because we're blood relatives. she's unlikeable and overbearing, and feels that despite having no practical influence in my life, I owe her my respect and obedience because she's old and I'm young. the only thing she's earned with her age is a failing memory and creaky bones.

but it's interesting too, to see that even my aunt realizes that her mother hasn't grown in her life, that like any conservative, she's refused to make any positive change in herself, instead clinging to how things were when she was young. now that my aunt has had her baby, she's been dodging nana almost as successfully as I have, it's reaffirming to see that even such a kind and forgiving woman as her doesn't want to expose her child to that woman, let's me know that I'm not just being shitty

[foggyladyking]

The places we don’t walk

Bryce Lahela x F! mc (Zelda Herschel)

words: 2170

summary: Rewrite of book 2 chap 11 from bryce’s pov, as Zelda stresses over everything happening and Bryce realizes he’s not content with just a smile, fickle promises, and leaving words unsaid to keep from going down to the places they won’t walk. 

rating: teen and up Light swearing, and light sexual themes

hurt/comfort 

_________

a/n

listen I hated how it emphasized how hot Bryce was, like okay we get it bryce is hot but his best friend is dying my thought wouldn’t be Let me look at your beautiful face one last time lets give bryce some more personhood other than being hot. pls fuck me pb wtf 

______________

Zelda pulled Bryce away from all the eyes to a supply closet, pushing him against a shelf, and pressing against him she attacked his lips. diving into him entirely.

her hands found their way under his scrubs, and his found their way to her waist. They had mere moments before a nurse would page her, moments before it was all shattered and the facade of perfection they created with each desperate kiss was gone. 

Bryce broke apart, giving a breathless laugh as he looked at her. Bags under her eyes that jumped around, she had this look of exhausted desperation on her, he didn't fail to notice how her hands shook ever so softly, the way she seemed to jump out of her skin at everything. 

"Do you wanna talk about it or just continue to kiss the shit out of me?" he asked with a gentle smile. "I don't think I can take this," She said before kissing him again. He pulled away once more only to wrap his arms around her. "what happened?" He asked "it's nothing, just kiss me," "It's obviously not nothing, have you slept?" 

She shot him a look that told him to proceed with caution. "What happened, Z?" He asked softly, smoothing her hair back into place. "Ethan is a bit.... much, He doesn't agree with what I'm trying to do to save the hospital and he's being such a..... baby, I've fought with him and argued for weeks, Bryce He makes me want to rip my hair out, He's so stuck on the idea of what the diagnostic team was meant to be and he only sees one part of what it means, You know? I feel like I'm playing wife, scolding him, when he's acting like a child," she let her head fall to Bryce's chest. 

"He's so goddamn difficult Everyone else on the team is trying, everyone else is playing their role but he's so.. stubborn," Bryce listened dutifully, soothing the back of her head and holding her in his arms. 

"I feel like things keep coming and coming and they keep pushing me and I know, they push everyone I know that's the point but I just feel like they push me harder?  I just- I don't know, I don't know, I just wanna give up, I don't want politics or anything, and I'm here, on T.V talking up some shitty politician, Pretending that's my job, Because yeah, now my phone's blowing up Because despite everything I'm reduced to Ramsey's 'possible new girlfriend' Because fuck me that's why," She ranted, taking a deep breath before looking up. 

"The curse of being hot, smart, and skilled, is that people only recognize one of the three at a time, it's a heavy cross to bear, Yknow?" She joked with a tired smile. Dismissing everything with that smile.

He knew it All too well what was happening, what she was doing so easily, pulling away and fixing herself. He knew and yet he stood there with a sad frown on his face, brows furrowed as he reached out slightly.

"Maybe let's go somewhere," Bryce tried with a smile, "you need a break from this place," He added hopefully. "If you could do anything what would you do?" He asked with a smile, they both recognized the plead, and neither acknowledged it, something that happened a lot with the pair if he was honest.

"It's okay, I should keep working on my cases, I'm sorry I went off like that, I'll make it up to you," She promised with a soft smile. "Zelda come on, It's okay, Let's do something," He urged wrapping his arms around her waist. 

She was saved by the abrasive lights from the hall flooding in,  An annoyed nurse standing in the doorway. Pulling away from him she fled past the nurse, smiling at him as she did. 

Bryce was left, disheveled and helpless. He let out a deep breath as he ran his hand through his hair, his pager going off once again, Pulling him away from Herschel's fleeting form, She was gone, walking beside someone else. 

With the mental promise to check up on her later, he allowed himself to be pulled away.

________

By the time he saw her again, it was before Krya's surgery and she seemed a bit better, She pressed a kiss to his lips and told him to take care of Krya before they separated.  

They separated all the time, parting ways with a promise to see each other at work, at a party, or just the next time they met up, A smile and a wave was a promise that they were only a text away, that if they needed the other, there they'd be. 

And then his hands started to shake, And as he finished the surgery and rushed to Zelda they didn't stop. He was met with a hoard of friends all looking at him with this grim look, they all went the same way.

He watched her through the window, pacing around the room, in bed was Rafael who followed his gaze and met him once again with a shrug, as if to say he'd already tried. 

"Zelda?" Bryce called from the other side of the wall. She turned to look at him, and with the knowledge, she was likely going to die, the first words out of her mouth upon seeing him was "Bryce, You shouldn't be here,"  He gave a soft smile and made a passing comment if he was honest he couldn't remember what he said, His mind was too wrapped up in watching her. 

She pressed her hand to the glass and sighed, within a second he pressed his own to the same spot on the glass. "Maybe Ethan will be less of a hardass on you, now," He joked with a hopeful smile. She let out a bittersweet laugh, and before he knew it there he was, fighting the same losing battle of trying to stay calm, to be strong in front of Zelda Herschel.

He watched as The diagnostic team drew blood, As Ethan lingered and once again, with the sound of his pager, he was pulled away.

But maybe for the best, as Bryce couldn't watch this, Watch her pale and her eyes roll back, He saw it enough He knew. He couldn't watch her wither away. 

He wasn't far, though, At all times he was a text away. She was pale and her cheeks had become gaunt, her lips were cracked and so dry she had a hard time stopping the habit she had since she was a child of picking at her lips till they bled. 

The hardest part of it all was watching through the glass as Ethan offered reassurance and dutifully she gave him her new symptoms with a gentle smile. It wasn't because he was jealous, it was the simple fact that she'd resigned into them failing that while they all tried to fix it, she was trying to ease them into the idea that if it can't be fixed she loved them. 

It was that at that moment she and Rafael shared a quiet resolve to make sure everyone knew that it was okay. 

He returned to her side after hours of working with some of the greatest minds he knew settled on the conclusion that there was no cure, she scanned their faces nodded, "how doomed am I?" She asked, If Bryce would have met her eyes, he would have seen that her's never left his form.

Bryce half-listened, to it all, the rundown of what he already knew, "I'm going to die here," She said and with a sigh that seemed sort of light she continued; "so be it," Three words that made the group flinch, ever so slightly. 

"Now's not the time to give up..." He heard Ethan say, But in honesty, they all knew He was just clinging to anything that might keep her from losing hope. As Sienna wetted the glass with her tears he finally looked at her, She watched her friend with a gentle smile. "I hear you no dying yet," she promised. 

And all at once, he was alone, and her eyes fell to him, with a forced smile he says "It's gonna be all right." Today seemed to be the day of promises made to ease hearts, he noted, making one of his own. 

"You don't have to be positive for my sake," She said gently. "I'm not, I can't let myself lose it, not when there's still hope," He said. She nodded thoughtfully, taking a labored breath before replying "whatever helps," 

Every moment felt heavier, with the weight of it all, with the fears they carried, and even as she gave him the same smile, the same one that said 'I'll see you later,' he came to the realization suddenly that the promise that was held in a smile wasn't enough for him. 

He suited up and within a moment, he was by her side, "what do you think? Am I still handsome? or am I maybe more handsome? Be honest." He said upon his entrance. 

The fear of making it real by saying anything else hindered him, But graciously She laughs, clapping lazily as he struts about in his bulky suit. 

"It's your best look yet," she informs with a tired grin. 

it's all coming down, He's losing her, he's losing her, it's over and they wasted time, This was it.  Every 'I love you' he trapped behind his teeth came back to the tip of his tongue. "I can't believe you actually came in here," She admitted with a sigh.

"if gonna be here for you I'm gonna be here for you," He said, As though repeated a club oath. 

"I'm not doing well on my own," She admits softly stroking her thumb over his rubber one. "No, no you've been brave," He denies. "I got two men killed because I was stupid," She reaffirms so sternly that it broke his heart.

So he does all he can, for the woman he loves and takes her in his arms just like before this began, Repeating "I'm sorry" till his voice broke. 

He gives her the only advice he can "stay positive," stupid as it may be, that's all he had. 

Even in joking, it all felt fragile, one breath it'd shatter. Everything was a funhouse version of their usual interactions, a melancholy facade of normalcy that she broke with "Did I tell you how thankful I am that you're here?" 

once the facade broke, so did Bryce's strained smile, "I was starting to go crazy worrying out there," He admits, "I couldn't imagine, I suppose it's just as hard, to watch," She replied. 

And it all came down, the weight of places they didn't walk, and the things they didn't say with the belief that it was obvious fell onto him, threatening to suffocate him. 

 "You mean a lot to me, More than you know, the idea of losing you...." He trailed off 

"if tonight's my last night, You're the one I want to spend it with," she said with a smile. 

She settled into the bed, too weak to pace about anymore, she looked up at him, in his bulky hazmat suit that was not at all made with cuddles in mind, and asked "Would you hold me?" her voice strained and rough, and Bryce didn't even have a thought of saying no. 

In the time spent spooning, it seemed everyone else spent it making a miracle because they rushed up, dark puffy eye bags looking more than a bit disheveled but with hopeful smiles on their faces. 

Bryce with his arm around her helps steady Zelda's arm, biting his lip as he watches the needle go in, sending a silent prayer to a god he doesn't believe in with it.

Reluctantly, to the demand of Ramsey, Bryce leaves her to rest, sleeping in the on-call dorm, despite being told to go home, no one would enforce this, in fact soon He was woken up by Ethan a broad smile playing on his face. "It's safe to go to her, without the hazmat suit, I have a feeling there's no other person she'd rather go tell her than you," He said gently.

And so, he did rushing in with all the confidence in the world, announcing "it worked?" A look of pure disbelief found its way to Zelda's face, so he strolled through the door with a grin, arms open as if to prove it. 

Without so much as another word, she jumps up and runs to his arms, nearly taking him down in the process, everything lost to him but her fists curled into his scrubs, and her lips on his. 

When they finally pulled apart, he rested his forehead against hers "thank you," "for what?" she asked with a soft smile. "for being alive." He replies, anchoring himself by embracing her.  

[kyberled]

send me  ‘ hc ‘  + a word and i’ll write a headcanon about it regarding my character. || ACCEPTING

Anonymous asked:

Hc + Parents

Braig doesn’t know his biological parents. It’s probably best that he never does. He’s much better off with the Jedi. I’ll talk a bit about his biological father, his biological mother, and then some of his thoughts on the situation.

His biological father, Eadric Alden Claermoore, is a General in the Grand Army of the Republic, a rank he carried over from a lifetime spent in the Republic’s Navy. He made that rank his life after everything else fell away. The Claermoores were a military family. They always were. This goes all the way back to the Ruusan Reformations, but carried on in various ways since then. Government positions, naval positions, and now back in the Grand Army. Yes, it’s the naval branch; no, he’s not Force-sensitive. He is, however, exactly the sort of awful person you’d expect from someone who defines himself by his rank and his wealth and only barely - if ever - acknowledges the nepotism that went into it. 

He never wanted children. He figured he’d have to have one eventually, to carry on the name and all, but he never wanted one. Like most other things, it felt like a duty. An obligation, rather than a privilege. He was that sort of person. He also wasn’t too concerned about it, as his younger sister, Adarine, had children, but first-born this and patriarch-that and blah blah blah. ‘You know how it is’. Most people who know him thinks the war might be the only thing he ever loved, as it reaffirmed his status. That’s not entirely true. He loved his (ex) wife. Shiv brought out the best in him, people would say. Most who knew him had never seen him relax, let alone smile, until she came around. Shiv wanted kids. He agreed on one. He figured that was a good enough compromise. He also figured he wouldn’t necessarily have to be that involved with the more ‘difficult’ parts of parenting. Read: The actual parenting part. He figured he’d pick up extra duties to make up for the ‘loss of income’ (as if he needed it) while Shiv stayed home with their baby. 

It probably could’ve worked out, if their kid wasn't born Force-sensitive. But he was. So, of course, the Jedi took interest. Shiv said no, Eadric said yes. The Jedi figured they’d just keep an eye on them and try to educate the new parents on what the Force meant for their son. Just so they could fully think over their options and decide what was best. Then Shiv went to provide aid to a planet in the Outer Rim. When she didn’t come back, she was declared KIA. Eadric, quite rightly, decided he can’t raise a child by himself. Yes, he could have asked family or friends to help. Yes,he could have left the baby with the nanny droid he owned that was already looking after it. He could have. 

He didn’t. 

In his defense, he was trying to think of the long-term consequences. Nanny droids don’t work forever. And the boy was Force-sensitive; he needed to be trained by people who know what they’re doing. And, logically, he’s right. The Force is too dangerous - and draws too many dangerous people - for a lack of training to be even remotely safe. And - not that Eadric cares anymore - Braig is legitimately happy with the Jedi. So it really is the best choice. Of course, Braig was actually far too young to be given to the Order at the time. From what I can tell, kids are usually passed on to the Jedi at over a year, maybe even three. Braig wasn’t yet a year old. The young knight who’d been sent to do a wellness check/update hadn’t been prepared to take a baby. Eadric, in essence, handed him Braig and then locked the door and went back to work. He considered it like ripping off a bandage. The Jedi saw this as a cause to Not Panic, But Get Very Concerned At A Rather Fast Pace. He eventually just figured he had no choice but to take the baby back to the Temple and ask for advice. 

When Shiv showed up, not dead and very mad about why her baby was gone, things went sour fast. To make a long story short, they’re divorced now, and he hasn’t seen her in over a decade. He tried to explain his thought process to her. Tried to make a case for himself, and why this was best. She didn’t agree. It was a nasty argument. Eadric never really got over it. He never really got over her. Over the years, his understanding of the situation shifted from ‘this never would have happened if I’d kept our child from the Jedi’ to ‘this never would have happened if he hadn’t been born Force sensitive’ to ‘this never would have happened if he hadn’t been born’. Eadric lives alone now in the fancy surface-level Coruscant residence that’s run in the family for generations. The sort of place money can technically buy, but you won’t ever have enough money. He exists as living proof to the old adage, ‘wealth cannot buy happiness’. He’s a bitter, angry old man who’s devoted himself to the militaristic ideals that the Claremoores have lived by - regardless of who calls the shots. When the Republic becomes the Empire, he stays as an Imperial officer. He doesn’t see a problem with it. The strong prevail.

End of discussion. 

Then there’s Braig’s mother. Dr. Shiv Kiera Whelan is not a product of money and breeding, like her ex husband was. She’d come from the mid-levels of Coruscant. Not the glitterati, but high enough in the city to see what she might one day be able to achieve. Her family was loving and close, even if they were stretched thin financially. She was a middle child. She had an older brother named Cor, an adopted sibling the same age as her named Shina (shee-nah), and two younger sisters named Reni and Tel. They lived in a somewhat cramped apartment with their parents (Braig’s grandparents), Olan and Ama Whelan. They worked in factories across the street from each other, and met by chance - their love story bloomed over the course of many shared lunch breaks and continued throughout their marriage. Theirs was a hard life, and they did what they could to give their children better, while still making sure they knew the truths of the world. Shiv was the first of her siblings to attend higher education. She decided on medicine when she was young; you see a lot of need for it in the mid to lower levels. It’s what she felt was her calling. So she studied hard, saved up, worked herself to the bone. Loans and scholarships became her best friend (aside from her siblings). 

On a planet of trillions, medical care is always in high demand. Shiv took to it like a duck to water, finding her place among medical droids and scanners and sutures as if she’d always been there. She expanded her horizons by not only taking what her colleagues often deemed ‘charity cases’, but also offering medical aid off-world to military operations. That’s how she met her future (ex) husband, actually. A naval scrape that went badly but could have gone worse. His family opposed the marriage, hers didn’t care as long as they were happy. And, for a while, they were happy. It could have worked out great. They’d discussed kids, come to their agreement, and Shiv was excited to be a mother. She’d always liked kids, and they were well off enough that she could take some time off to be at home with the baby, and have nurse droids to help. It would be simple. 

It should have been simple. 

If it was, we wouldn’t be here. Shiv is like her son in more than looks; his self-sacrificing tendencies are both nature and nurture. People needed help. A skirmish between warring factions in the Outer Rim, it happened all the time. Shiv had plenty of experience doing field work on planets where that was often the best they got, and, much as she loved her baby, she’d gotten a bit stir crazy. It’d be fine, she’d go out for a week or two, give people some help, stretch her legs, and come back before the nurse droids even needed to be recharged. Unfortunately, bad intel comes for us all, eventually. It wasn’t just a skirmish between local factions. It was a fight between spice cartels. Nobody was entirely sure which cartels, once the dust settled. Some said the Black Sun, some said the Pikes. All reports said the medic camp was wiped out. Shiv along with it. 

Now, of course, Shiv wasn’t dead. She was in very bad shape, yes, but not dead. She got lucky. See, when you get a reputation for giving help to those who can’t afford it, they remember. A lot of those people gather at the Outer Rim, and a lot of people talk. A doctor that helps anyone, regardless of credits, is a good thing to have around, so Shiv got rescued by some of the ‘charity cases’ she’d taken over her life. It was a while before she was fully lucid, a while later that she was able to make contact and get back to Coruscant. By the time she got there, her son was gone. 

The real tragedy is that, if given enough time, she probably would have agreed to it, herself. Given time to think it over, given more conversations with the Jedi to learn more about them, about what the Force meant for her son, given the extra years she was supposed to have to come to terms, she probably would’ve agreed that the proper training was necessary for him. She didn’t get any of that. 

She just came home and he was gone. 

As you can imagine, this led to a terrible argument between herself and her husband. Eadric tried to justify his decision by saying he thought she was dead, and, either way, he’d been looking out for their son’s best interest. He was where he should be. Shiv, who was already dealing with one major trauma and frankly didn’t have time for another, was furious that he’d given her baby to ‘a cult’ (despite the Jedi not being anything of the sort). 

If you were to talk to Shiv now, she’d tell you she was divorced, though there was never any formal proceedings; Eadric just doesn’t talk about his personal life. Whereas Eadric will tell you he never had any children if you ask, Shiv will talk about who she hoped her son would be, and the injustices that face him now in the life he must live. Their opinions have grown to differ so much that they’re on different sides of the war, as well. Eadric stayed loyal to the Republic, and continues to serve the Grand Army. Shiv felt as though the loss of her son opened her eyes to the Republic’s corruption, and as such, she’s since offered her allegiance and her medical prowess to the Separatists. She hasn’t been to Coruscant in years, and the two of them - Eadric and Shiv - haven’t had any contact with each other in even longer. 

It should go without saying that Braig doesn’t know his biological parents. He doesn’t particularly want to, either. He knows, from records, where he’s from, and he also knows he came to the Temple far younger than he should have. As far as he’s concerned, there are a few potential reasons for this:

The first is that his parents were unable to care for a child. Given that he knows they were from the upper levels, and ergo well-off, he finds this unlikely. The second is that something happened to them, they had no relatives able to seize custody, and the Jedi took him in rather than having him float around the system for a few years. This is unlikely, as the Jedi keep tabs on prospective families, but it’s possible, and, if it is the case, it’s not worth looking into. And the last option he could think of is that they just didn’t want a kid, and again, that doesn’t merit looking into. He knows who his family is - who raised him, who cared for him, who taught him, who stood by and continues to stand by him every day of his life. That matters much more to him than blood.

[headcanonseverywhere]

Living With A Vampire

Plot: Guilherme decides to bring Anastacia to his university’s dormitory, and they live there together for some time. Then, he gets invited to another party by Baron Ashley Rivers, and decides to bring Anastacia along with him, but first, they gotta go shopping! :D (Regency AU)

The Encounter series

Encounter With The Vampires

Encounter With A Human

Encounter With The Vampires (part 2)

Encounter With The Witches

Living With A Vampire [you are here]

After spending the night at Miss Fiona Detweiler’s apartment, Guilherme decided it was best to head back to his university’s dormitories, since he didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention towards Miss Fiona by remaining at her place much longer, especially since she was kind enough to heal his wounds from his horrific encounter with the vampires from nights before.

“Don’t worry.” she reassured him, as they stood by the doorway leading out of the kitchen. “I know how to take care of myself, thank you. But I am more worried about your little vampire friend.”

As soon as she mentioned her, Anastacia entered the living room, still wearing her nightgown from the first time she met him. It had already been completely worn out and dirty from fighting Algernon, as well as from running away from him in the forest.

“I told you, she’s staying with me.” Guilherme reaffirmed.

“Well I hope you live alone, because having a vampire surrounded by humans usually means trouble.”

“I’d never hurt anyone!” Anastacia cried, cutting in between them. “I am not like my family!”

Fiona turned towards Guilherme, who simply looked down at her, shrugging his shoulders.

“I trust her.” he smiled, and Fiona just sighed.

By nightfall, everyone made their way down to the apothecary. Luckily, the enchanted carriage was still at the front of the apothecary, just as they had left it. They all bid each other farewell, and as soon as Guilherme and Anastacia entered the carriage, he ordered it to take him to his university’s dormitories. The carriage rumbled to life once again, and zoomed down the street, leaving Miss Fiona Detweiler and the apothecary far behind them.

They quickly arrived at the university’s campus--despite being far from the city--and the carriage stopped right at the doors of the dormitory. Guilherme was the first to leave, and extended his hand to Anastacia, like the good gentleman he prided in being. She gently placed an icy hand onto his, and swiftly hopped off the carriage.

 “Now how are we going to get rid of it?” asked Guilherme, as he studied the carriage. “The staff are going to question why there’s a carriage outside the dormitory.”

Anastacia took a step forward, and carefully whispered something to it in a language that sounded like Italian, but much older. In an instant, the carriage shook itself to life one last time, and zoomed out to the horizon.

“Where did it go?” he asked.

Anastacia looked back at him and smiled. “Don’t worry about it, let’s go in!”

They reached Guilherme’s dormitory, and they were very careful to not make a sound, since everyone in the entire building was fast asleep. Guilherme’s room was roughly as big as Miss Fiona’s entire apartment, except it was rather larger. Anastacia looked around in awe, checking every crevice of the room.

“Do you live here all alone?” she asked him once she finished observing the place.

“Now I do.” he answered, closing the door behind him. “I used to share a room with someone, but he proved to be quite intolerable, so I asked if I could have a room to myself.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine, at least you’ll be safe here.”

But as Guilherme tossed his coat on a chair nearby, he quickly drew his breath. 

“The maid might find you here.”

“Don’t worry, I can just leave.”

“How, the sun will--”

But before he could finish, Anastacia disappeared right before his eyes, leaving behind a trail of a smoky black shadow, then reappearing moments later.

Guilherme stood there with his mouth wide open.

“Wh-Where did you go?!”

“There’s a small room with brooms right below us,” she explained. “So if there’s ever a visitor, I can hide in there for a while!”

Guilherme nodded as he ran a hand through his hair, coming to a sudden realization that he is hiding a vampire in his university’s dormitory, but also that his life may never return to normal, now that he knows of the existence of occult creatures. He glanced again at Anastacia, who was currently bouncing up and down while seated on his bed, and carefully observing an ink pen she had taken from his writing desk.

His life might never return to the way it was, but perhaps it might be a little better.

Days turned into weeks, and Guilherme found himself accustomed to seeing Anastacia rummaging through his things (discovering more and more about the human world) as he returned from his classes. For the first time in a long time, he was enjoying someone else’s company. He would spend hours explaining to her all of the modern inventions humans had made recently, as well as a few that had been around since before his time (though quite obviously after her’s). At the same time, Anastacia would tell him more about vampires and the occult, how there were different kinds of vampires, some who were born, such as herself, and others who were turned. She also talked about her family, the Caligos, and about other vampire families and how they worked, and how each family had a Head of House, and each of them formed a council, who would gather once in a while to discuss matters within the community. He was fascinated by all of this, and grew more and more curious about the supernatural, all while Anastacia grew more and more fond of humans.

Mrs. Flowers, the maid, would come into his room for the usual morning cleaning, and everyday Anastacia disappeared off into the broom closet downstairs, only to reappear again once she left. Mrs. Flowers was a sturdy old woman, who had grown quite fond of Guilherme, since he--according to her--was the only gentleman in this campus who didn’t spend his time in debauchery, and she admired him a lot for that.

Today seemed to be like one of those days, Mrs. Flowers came in the morning, to which Anastacia had already teleported herself to the broom closet, and began cleaning up the room as Guilherme was getting ready to head to his morning class.

“Oh, Sir Monteiro, I still cannot believe you went through such a terrible accident!” she cried, as she was dusting the furniture.

Word about Guilherme’s accident went around pretty quickly for the past several weeks, though the story he had told was that he got into a carriage accident, leaving him stranded in the middle of the woods for days, until he found a kind soul that nursed him back to health.

“It was very traumatizing…” said Guilherme, remembering Algernon’s piercing gray eyes.

“Well, thank heavens you’re safe now!” she cheered, giving him a warm pat on the shoulder. “Oh, by the way, I was meaning to give this to you.”

And she reached into the pocket of her apron, and held out a letter to him. Guilherme thanked her and took it, and once he opened it, he quickly realized that it was a party invitation by none other than Baron Ashley Rivers himself.

“Baron Rivers is holding a masquerade ball.” he told the maid. “In my honor.”

“You know, usually I don’t condone to such futility,” she began, leaning a little closer towards him as though she didn’t want anyone else to hear her, even though they were the only ones in the room. “But I say you should go, the party is being held in your honor after all, and it would be immensely impolite to refuse!”

“I suppose so.” Guilherme agreed.

“And, it’ll keep your mind off of that horrible accident, which I’m sure it still torments you to this day.”

Guilherme nodded. There hadn’t been a day in which he didn’t think back to the vampires attacking him, especially of Algernon clutching onto his neck with unbelievable strength. His glare still haunted his nightmares, making him wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat. Anastacia had taken notice of it, but he tried his best not to worry her because, despite everything, Algernon was still part of her family, and he knew she still respected him, so he didn’t want to cause a rift in their friendship by bringing it up.

“Are you going to bring someone?” Mrs. Flowers asked, quickly snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Pardon?”

“I asked if you’re going to bring someone.” she repeated. “Perhaps a nice young lady?”

Guilherme was about to deny her question, since he wasn’t really interested in bringing anyone with him, but suddenly Anastacia bore into his mind. This would be a perfect opportunity to show her how human parties have changed over the centuries, and he was absolutely sure she would love it.

“Yes, I will bring someone.” he answered.

Mrs. Flowers gasped. “Are you finally courting?!”

“Of course, not!” he scoffed. “I’m only bringing a friend.”

She slightly slumped her shoulders, and returned to dusting off the furniture. Guilherme chuckled, and patted her on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Flowers, if I ever start to court, you’ll be the first one to know.” he promised.

Mrs. Flowers smiled, and after another hour of banter, she gathered her cleaning supplies and left the room. A few minutes later, Anastacia reappeared, as smoky black shadows trailed off of her.

“What is this?” she asked, noticing the party invitation on the desk.

Guilherme explained to her everything that had happened a moment ago, minus Mrs. Flower’s urging of him to court someone.

“And, I would like to bring you with me.” he finished. “If that’s alright with you, of course.”

“A party?!” Anastacia exclaimed, clapping her hands together, and her eyes glimmering with pure joy. “Oh, I’d love to go!”

Guilherme smiled. “I’ll need to purchase some fabric, and have a tailor make a dress for you, I just wish you were there to choose.”

“Why can’t I go?”

“Because the sun will hurt you, isn’t that correct?”

“Yes, but, we can go at night!”

“Anastacia, all of the shops are closed at night.”

“But you forget, I can just teleport us into the shops! It’ll be fun!”

Guilherme choked. “A-Anastacia, that’s--that’s breaking and entering, I can’t--what if someone sees us!”

Anastacia hung her head low, while absentmindedly fiddling with the edge of the party invitation. A small pout began to form on her lips, and Guilherme let out a deep sigh.

“We can look at the display windows, at least to choose the fabric.”

Anastacia instantly perked up and ran up to him, her icy cold body colliding onto him as she gave him an enormous hug. Guilherme stumbled backwards a bit, but managed to regain his balance and return the hug.

By sunset, Guilherme and Anastacia arrived at a small town near campus, where several fabric and tailor shops ran. The streets were calm and barely empty, and a few street lamps were beginning to be lit up.

They walked past a few stores, looking at several pieces of fabric displayed on their windows, when they stopped at a fabric store, since Anastacia gasped as she set her sights on a beautiful yellow silk fabric, with intricate golden flower patterns across it.

“So beautiful!” she whispered.

“I can stop by in the morning to order it.” Guilherme offered.

But Anastacia didn’t even hear what he had said, for she was suddenly at the other side of the display window, the familiar smoky shadow trailing off of her as she rubbed her fingertips on the silky fabric.

Guilherme squished his face onto the glass, horrified by what had just happened.

“Anastacia!” he hissed. “What are you doing?!”

Anastacia smiled up at him. “I like this one!”

“Okay, but you didn’t have to teleport yourself in there--”

But Anastacia suddenly reappeared, only to take his hand and teleport themselves back inside the store. Guilherme stumbled while madly looking around him, feeling dazed and confused as to what had happened, though he quickly regained his consciousness and soon enough a feeling of panic took a hold of his entire body.

“Anastacia, what did you do?!” he hissed again, looking over his shoulder to see if anyone would see them.

“Now we can take a better look at them!” she exclaimed, as she happily hugged the silk yellow fabric.

“We can get caught!” he warned. “The police will think we are trying to steal and arrest us!”

But Anastacia paid no attention, as she skipped along to a shelf that was far into the room, holding more beautiful silk fabrics, each of them in a different color. Guilherme couldn’t help but follow, looking back at the store’s entrance, worried about someone catching them there.

“Look at all of this!” she sang, as she pulled out another colorful fabric from the rack.

“We really shouldn’t be here!” Guilherme continued to protest, but Anastacia simply turned towards him. 

“I thought you trusted me.” she said, sadly.

“I do, but this is dangerous!”

“So you just expect me to stay cooped up in your dormitory, like how I was back home?”

“W-Well, no--I mean--I’m just trying to protect you--”

“Guilherme,” she said. “I’ve been locked away in my room for centuries, all I wanted to do was to see the outside world, and now that I’m finally able to do that, you want to lock me away again?”

“No, no, I don’t!” he denied. “I just...I’m just worried, that’s all.”

Anastacia smiled. “You don’t have to worry about anything, I promise I won’t let anything bad happen while we’re here.”

Guilherme looked at her, then sighed and smiled, nodding his head in agreement. Anastacia returned the smile, and happily went back to the fabrics on the shelf.

“While we’re here, might as well get your measurements.” said Guilherme, and went to look for a measuring tape.

After looking through several kinds of fabrics, Anastacia decided on the elegant yellow silk one she had seen earlier on display. Guilherme then took out the measuring tape he had found, and taught her how to take her measurements. He was quite surprised at how quickly she learned, since she had mentioned before that only the ghoul servants from her manor ever tailored her outfits. Afterwards, he jotted down her measurements on a piece of paper he found at a counter nearby, and placed it in a pocket inside his coat.

“I’ll purchase it first thing tomorrow morning.” he said. “And I’ll send it to a tailor soon thereafter, it should be ready just before the ball.”

“Lovely.” she beamed, as she took his hand, and soon the two of them were standing outside of the shop, leaving a trail of smoky shadows behind.

It was dark outside, the only light coming from the now fully lit street lamps, its fire dancing inside the glass containers. The street was completely empty, except for the two as they made their way back to campus.

“I’m sorry that I frightened you.” Anastacia spoke softly.

“It’s alright.” he said. “You were right after all, nothing bad happened.”

The two of them smiled at each other for a moment, then Guilherme spoke, “I’m just glad you had fun tonight.”

“I did.” Anastacia confirmed.

[janelevy]

screaming at nothing

summary: med student elsa curry has yet to run into the infamous dr. ava bekker she has heard some things about, many of them questionable. then one day she’s confronted by a snappish surgeon with an accent smooth as silk. as if elsa wasn’t gay enough already, it seems the world wants to test her limits yet again.

this was inspired by @princessbekker ... i tried my best to do this idea justice because it just had to be written, sorry not sorry. 

When she was fourteen years old, Elsa Curry came to the conclusion that she was gay. For her, it had been far from a difficult realization - as early as seventh grade, she had hazy memories of blushing deeply while changing for gym class with the other girls in the locker room. She remembered her wandering eyes catching forbidden snippets of skin, watching sleek long hair being swept into ponytails, snagging on any bra straps that happened to peek out. At first she believed what she felt had to be wrong. After all, why was it so... easy for the other girls to just smile and talk to each other while half-naked? Elsa would gather her things and scamper off to a private stall with a beet-red face and sweat dripping down her spine.

But it didn’t take long for her to accept it. She was fourteen when she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and told herself, “I’m gay.” Her reflection didn’t argue, and that settled it.

Now, a little over a decade later, Elsa fully embraced it. She loved girls. Girls were amazing. Her car had a bumper sticker of the lesbian pride flag, her bag had several appropriate pins decorating it. When she wasn’t studying, she ran a Tumblr blog that featured various forms of lesbian representation in media. She didn’t give a shit what others thought; she knew what she knew about herself, and that made her happy.

The one thing that tended to get under her skin these days was the difficulty of her job. Elsa was insistent about doing the right thing for the patients she treated, and making a mistake just didn’t fit into her itinerary. If her disagreement with another doctor came to a head (which often resulted in it exploding in her face), she had to take a moment to herself. A corner of the doctors’ lounge, the second-to-last stall in the quiet third floor bathroom, the deserted staff parking lot in the middle of the day. She didn’t care where it happened; all she knew was that she needed to scream. One scream was usually enough to make her feel better, to make the stinging vines wrapping around her bones recede and slither away. Then, not even a minute later, Elsa would return to the E.D. with a level head, prepared to resume her work as if she hadn’t just screamed into her balled-up coat in the lounge.

Her little sessions were so brief, they were mere blips on her radar throughout the day. No one had ever caught her in the middle of one, and Elsa planned to keep it that way.

Enter Dr. Ava Bekker.

Elsa wasn’t very familiar with any of the surgeons since most of her assignments landed her in the heat of the action at the front doors of the emergency room. She was still new enough at Gaffney, in fact, that she really wasn’t sure where in the hospital she was when she jabbed a random button on the elevator, found a dead hallway, sank down to the floor against the wall, and shrieked into her thighs.

She also didn’t hear the clicking footsteps approaching her. Then an accented voice, tinged thoroughly with irritation, broke into her private space.

“Are you quite alright?”

Hot, seething embarrassment filled her stomach, and Elsa was almost positive she was going to vomit. Slowly she lifted her head and unfolded her limbs from the ball she’d scrunched her body into. Standing above her, arms crossed, was someone in black scrubs. She had striking eyes - hazel, Elsa thought, from her lowly position on the grimy floor.

It only hit her she still had yet to answer when the stranger snapped, “I suggest you get up. I know for a fact they don’t mop the floor up here as thoroughly as they should.”

Elsa stood on shaky knees and rose to her full height, which definitely lagged behind that of the glaring figure before her. Now that they were face to face, Elsa picked up on more details: the ghost of a smirk outlining a frown, the streaks of paler blonde peeking through caramel-colored waves. Elsa’s eyes fell on the white stitching on her scrubs; this woman was not just a nurse, she was a doctor who just happened to not have her white coat on. Elsa was too taken aback to read the name listed there, however. Instead she fixed her eyes back on the other doctor’s face and breathed out an apologetic, “Um, yeah, I’m... I’m fine. I was... I was just overwhelmed.”

The doctor nodded. “Sure seems that way.” She tilted her head, staring intensely at Elsa. “Do you always scream at every minor inconvenience? Because if you’re going that route, your throat will be raw before noon.” She paused then, eyes flashing to Elsa’s white coat. “You’re a med student, aren’t you? Oh, wow. You should know, once you’re a full-fledged doc you won’t even have time to blink in between patients, let alone scream at nothing for five minutes.”

Elsa wasn’t sure if she liked the way the woman laughed. She had a particular method to it; she wove laughs smoothly between her words, speaking almost as if they weren’t even there to disrupt what was supposed to be a stern reprimanding. Elsa felt her own annoyance simmer in her gut, and she couldn’t help but throw up the defenses. “I’m not screaming at nothing,” she said. “I have my reasons. It’s not really anyone else’s business.”

“Oh, is it really?” Her superior smiled then, and suddenly Elsa most definitely liked the way she laughed. “How about you make it my business, then. Care to get a coffee?” She had already turned around to go, but stopped and looked back when Elsa didn’t immediately follow.

Elsa’s jaw dropped, but she made sure to pick it back up quickly. “You’re joking, right?”

The doctor rolled her pretty eyes and Elsa’s knees started to tremble again, along with her fingers. She shoved her hands in her pockets but she couldn’t hide the blush creeping up her neck. “Once you get to know me, Doctor, you’ll realize I’m not someone who jokes with people I like. Now, if you had the time to come up to the surgery wing and scream at nothing, then you certainly have time to come to the cafeteria for ten minutes. You coming or not?”

She smiled again, and Elsa knew she was in deep. She also knew Dr. Halstead was going to chew her out for this later, but she couldn’t stop her feet from trailing this alluring stranger all the way downstairs.

Before long, they had filled a couple of paper cups with mediocre hospital coffee and were sitting facing each other at a flimsy metal table. It was close to lunchtime, so the cafeteria was bustling, but Elsa was immune to the noise. The coffee was really pretty gross, so she just cupped it in her hands to leech off its warmth.

“So, what brought you here?” her companion said around the rim of her cup. It felt like everything she did was calculated ahead of time, even down to simple questions she asked. Her questions sounded more like statements, like she was telling rather than asking.

Elsa shifted her glasses up her nose and shrugged. “I want to be a doctor,” she answered.

“Wow. Insightful.”

“I get straight to the point. What more do you want?” Elsa shrugged. She knew exactly what she was doing here; she had done it before. Throwing up the walls, acquiring a sharp, sour tongue. Over the years she had become skilled in pushing herself away from others. She skimmed her gaze over the unfamiliar surgeon again, and reaffirmed what she had already concluded in her mind. There was no way she had a chance with someone this attractive. She was already thinking about the rant she would share with her Tumblr followers later tonight, about the beautiful stranger who popped up out of nowhere at work and tormented Elsa with her beauty.

Fed up with the silence, Elsa spoke up again and interrupted the other’s incessant coffee guzzling. “Are you ever going to tell me your name?”

“Only if you tell me why you were screaming at nothing in my territory,” countered Hazel Eyes.

Elsa suppressed a groan. “I doubt you’re the one in charge of that wing, first of all. I would know who you are if you were. And again, I was not screaming at nothing!” She shook her head rapidly and forced herself to swallow a few gulps of watery, paper-thin coffee. “If you must know, I was upset because I got into an argument with another doctor over how to treat a patient’s high blood pressure. Then he called in someone else, and of course they agreed to go with his method because I’m just the inexperienced newbie med student.” She sat back in her chair and lifted her hands in surrender. “There. Now you have it. Now who are you and why do you like me?”

“Oh, you picked up on that. Observant, but not observant enough to just read my scrubs.” The woman smirked at her, and out of nowhere Elsa’s heart leaped into her throat. She tried to swallow it back down but couldn’t. “I’m Dr. Bekker,” she said, swirling the dregs of her coffee in the cheap little cup. “Ava, if you like.”

The name hit Elsa like a face plant into a brick wall. She had heard this name before. She vaguely remembered gossip from a few weeks back in the E.D., bits and pieces of conversation she overheard from the nurses’ station. Before her brain could process what she would say, Elsa was already saying it: “You’re the one who Dr. Rhodes freaked out on before he left. Aren’t you?”

Ava nodded, unfazed. “That news really did circulate to every corner of this place.” She met Elsa’s eyes again and grinned. “Yes, the bastard did accuse me of murder, as if every doctor isn’t equally capable of that.”

Elsa could’ve sworn she saw a wink flash on Ava’s face, but it was gone in an instant. “How did you deal with all that bullshit being thrown at you?” she asked. “It couldn’t have been easy.”

“No, that’s exactly what it was: easy,” Ava answered. “Elsa” - Ava must’ve read her name on her coat - “if there’s one insider tip to give about working here, it’s that you absolutely cannot put up with the shit men will give you. Male doctors have a way of thinking every single thing they say is correct, like they radiate intelligence from their crotch.”

For the first time, Elsa laughed. Her eyes flashed from the bad coffee to Ava’s eyes, which were the color of honey in the brighter light. “Well,” she said, “that’s why I’m only attracted to women. Enough said.”

Out of all the things that could’ve left this gorgeous person’s mouth, Elsa least expected what came next. She had heard the rumors about Dr. Bekker’s whirlwind romance with that Rhodes guy, which burned up in toxic flames. She wasn’t sure if it was true, though, especially now. And then Dr. Ava Bekker told her, “Seems we have more in common than you thought, Dr. Curry.”

Elsa’s heart climbed higher up her throat, and it definitely wasn’t coming back down for a while.

[yourtransgendersocialworker]

12.31.2019, On an Inside Scoop of a Mental Health Crisis

I’ve been thinking, lately, about how a person who is in the middle of a mental health crisis may have a very different perspective than those watching. I wonder what it may look like when those who experience a crisis together debrief the sequence of events. I tried to piece together my memories of my last mental health deterioration and verbalize how I felt and what I remember.  I experienced the entire thing. 

Before the night, I had been bad off for a couple weeks. I had a few triggering events which led me down a shame spiral. Over the course of about two weeks, I started to lose touch with reality. I felt very confused and embarrassed. I was struggling to pay attention and I couldn’t remember anything. Bad thoughts ran rampant. The voice inside my head was loud, non-stop and confident with suicidal ideation. 

It started when I posted a Facebook status. It was cryptic and vague, something like, “I don’t belong here anymore.” I don’t remember much about that night anymore, but I can imagine what it might have looked like. I posted that status and then I paced around the house in a panicky daze. Pacing around the house in a dissociate state was becoming a nightly routine*. My mind was on fire, so loud and certain with bad thoughts. I was in so much pain. 

People reached out on Facebook, asking if I was okay, but I didn’t respond. It was comforting to see the love and support but it was too overwhelming to engage with it all. Ryan called me and I didn’t answer his call. Theo’s mom texted me after I was asleep asking if I was awake. I didn’t see that until the morning so I did not answer. When I woke up, my friend texted me asking if I was okay, saying they didn’t want to have to come over if I didn’t answer. I texted back saying I was okay and they got mad that I posted that status online. 

Later I wrote a blog journal about how bad I was feeling and I reflected on my poor decision to post that Facebook status. I wrote about how it felt to be told to not post shit like that, about how it hurt and about how I shouldn’t worry people. I quoted what the friend had told me but I didn’t say her name. I wrote that I agreed and I talked about the right and wrong ways to ask for help and how scary it is to ask for help. 

Meanwhile, I am still in the middle of a mental health crisis. 

I go to the therapist’s office on a Friday. I tell him how bad I am feeling and I tell him how I would want to die. He tells me I can’t leave his office until I make safety plans with him. I texted my friend asking if I could stay the night at their house, or if they or their boyfriend would come stay the night with me because I was in my therapists office and he wouldn’t let me leave. My friend stopped texting back when I asked that. I made plans with Ryan to meet halfway between us, in Lexington, Kentucky. We both drove around 5 hours and stayed in a hotel for the weekend. We played Bible golf. I told him my thoughts about mental illness as a terminal illness and he spent the weekend trying to convince me to stay alive. I was so sure of myself and referred to myself in the past tense. Ryan said he felt like he was already grieving my death. I was happy we could do that together. 

I saw that my friend deleted me from Facebook. My other friend texted me the next day saying they were glad I was able to make a different plan. My family here was suddenly gone. I just continued to spiral. I left Lexington still determined to kill myself. I made it about a week.  I went to work but I couldn’t work and people were taking me on walks and I talked openly to my coworkers about my suicidal thoughts. Words would pour out of my mouth before I processed them, startling the both of us. The coworkers started talking to each other. Gwen and I hid in my office for a couple hours while she gently warmed me to the idea of seeking help. I was determined to kill myself. I couldn’t think straight but I knew things were bad. I eventually agreed to go. We went to my house and prepared a bag and prepared me for what was next. Gwen took me to the crisis center and we joked about the decorations on the wall and she came back for the assessment and reminded me to tell them my theory on terminal mental illness. 

I got sent to the same hospital I went to the first time. Staff remembered me and I remembered them. I spent 32 days in the hospital watching people come and go, 32 very lonely days without many visitors. I recognized the hospital kinships as structured and contained. I tried my hardest to understand what exactly had happened up until this point. I couldn’t wrap my head around losing my friend family and I began to question everything. Was I toxic, causing more pain than pleasure in my relationships? Was I worthless, worth leaving when I needed help the most? The only relief from self-interrogation was the anxious peace of my impending death. I realized I was living my last days and that was comforting. I did 16 rounds of shock treatment and didn’t feel any different. 

I came back home and tried to piece my life together. Nothing had changed. I couldn't trust myself or anyone else. I still had no idea what was real and what wasn't real. I still didn’t understand what warranted the abrupt abandonment of my support network. I read a lot of books and prepared myself for death. I stopped telling people my plans. I did research. I cried hysterically to the Nurse Practitioner and she hugged me and referred me to an outpatient program.

I started intensive outpatient treatment and I told them about my terminal mental illness and they cried and increased my time to partial hospitalization. I made a couple friends and got along well with the staff. I made connections and I made granola and I made a mask. It felt good but I knew it wasn’t the real world. I talked a lot about suicide and the therapist tried to respect my thoughts while also trying to convince me to stay alive. I thanked the therapist for trying so hard and I told them how I was going to kill myself. People reminded me that a couple weeks ago I said I was doing okay but I couldn’t remember that. 

I started back at work. I didn’t arrange any more therapy. I have done enough and I know another person isn’t going to change my life. I am here now. I am tired. I sleep most of the day. I don’t move very much at all. I worry that my friends feel obligated to reach out to me. I want to be a kind friend but I don’t want to spread my dark energy. I am more calm than usual. I'm moving a lot less so there is less about my reality to question. I still feel the same. I'm not talking about it as much because there is no point.

————

Since writing that last paragraph, I was in a bad car accident. The morning after, I called the numbers I had memorized, my mom, Ryan and Theo, to ask for help getting a ride home from the Emergency Room. I was covered in blood and positioned casually in the waiting room for someone to come claim me. My supervisor picked me up and I vomited in her car and dribbled blood onto the passenger door. Friends showed me they cared for me. Kiley drove from Illinois and stayed with me over Christmas. Her presence in the midst of my hardest time reaffirmed my ability to connect and share loving-kindness. The news of a suicide brought reflection and pain. The lens shifted. 

2019 was incredibly hard. It’s right up there with 2009 as the hardest times so far. I’ve learned a lot about family- the word, the concept, the reality. I’ve learned about true friendship and true love. I’ve learned I’m not always to blame. I’ve learned that despite all of the dark, I am still filled with love. I’ve learned that growth isn’t a synonym for progress. You can grow into an ugly thing. I know one thing to be true- I have not turned ugly.

This decade tried its hardest to destroy me and towards the end, I eagerly chipped in. I’m not one to hold weight to the date changing, but it feels like the right time for me to try again. 

_____

*Try to explain the spiral of depression and dissociation. 

It usually starts with feeling ashamed or embarrassed about something.

You come home from work and you start to panic. You think to yourself, “Be gentle with yourself. If you’re tired, just sit on the couch.” You sit on the couch and feel like a waste for not being productive. Your mind is on fire and you can’t think about anything. You are overwhelmed with static noise. Your legs shake and you scroll through your phone so much that it tells you there is nothing left to look at. You start to think about dying. You get up but you don’t know what to do so you smoke a cigarette and look at your unfinished projects. You wash your hands and stumble back to the couch, the cigarette being just enough of a distraction to trick you into thinking you actually did something. You zone out. You watch the house dirty around you, let things pile up. You start to move through space differently. The air feels thick and your body moves in slow-motion. You start to feel like you are looking at a “Magic Eye.” Your eyes are out of focus all the time and they blur and shift throughout the day. You cry often and uncontrollably. It does not feel like a release, but like you are made of clay and you are cracking. You realize you’re not paying attention to anything anymore. You think about killing yourself every free second you have. You think about the act of killing yourself, you think about your funeral, you think about your dog, you think about your family and your friends. You think about everything you’ve done in the world. You think about everyone you love. You think about the idea of a good future. You know what you’ve got to do. You think things through and come to the same conclusion after each hypothesis you try out. You can’t hear your friends speaking to you anymore because you are thinking through everything. People are talking to you but you are wild inside and trying to hide it as best as you can but you can't hide your suicidal ideations when you are telling everyone goodbye. You surprise yourself with the things you let pour out of your lips. You aren’t answering messages anymore. That's too much. You feel a sense of peace and determination. You know you need to be brave and you are worried about that. And that is where it whisks off.

[letterboxd]

Murder, He Wrote.

“They say casting is 90 percent of directing and it was really true in this case.” Knives Out writer and director Rian Johnson tells us about the intricacies of whodunits, the joys of over-analyzing movies, and—yes—Star Wars.

From Hercule Poirot’s debut in an Agatha Christie novel in 1920, to the hard-boiled detectives of the 1930s, to the Pink Panther comedies, the whodunit was a perennially popular film genre—until its decline in the 1980s, when true-crime re-enactments took over. But, with Knives Out, writer/director Rian Johnson (Looper, Star Wars: The Last Jedi) is on a mission to reaffirm the whodunit’s rightful place on the big screen—and casually reinvent the form while he’s at it.

Knives Out has a gobsmacking ensemble, with Christopher Plummer (as writer Harlan Thrombey, the victim), Ana de Armas (as Marta, Thrombey’s nurse and confidant), Daniel Craig (as Benoit Blanc, the famous private detective who shows up to query Thrombey’s apparent suicide), and Lakeith Stanfield (as the investigating Lieutenant Elliott). Making up Thrombey’s extended, entitled family are Jamie Lee Curtis, Don Johnson, Chris Evans, Michael Shannon, Toni Collette, Riki Lindhome, K Callan, Katherine Langford and Jaeden Martell—all well fed by his wealth and determined to protect their piece of it.

It’s a Rian Johnson movie, so Noah Segan shows up as well, in perhaps his meatiest role yet, as a cop working with Stanfield. There’s also a delightful cameo from Frank Oz.

Rian Johnson directs Ana de Armas on the set of ‘Knives Out’.

Despite the lack of big-screen whodunits of late, there’s no shortage of audience enthusiasm for them, as evidenced by our ‘Murder Mystery’ Showdown, a great starting point for anyone looking to delve into the genre. Letterboxd members who have already seen Knives Out are very much enjoying what they see, with the film boasting a giant 4.2 average rating (at time of writing).

This is one of those films where you can just tell how much fun the cast is having, an aspect that Letterboxd member Wes nails in his review: “I’d really, really, really like to believe that Rian Johnson gathered all these actors in this giant house, hid some cameras everywhere, hit record, and none of what we saw was fictitious.”

Demi Adejuyigbe writes—in his charming Letterboxd review of the time he lunched with Johnson (!)—that the film is “absofuckinglutely phenomenal”. He marvels at how Knives Out stays one step ahead of what we expect from a whodunit: “How do you fool an audience that has come to be fooled? Johnson is so deftly able to get that joyful, wondrous reaction out of me by expertly controlling every aspect of the script and the direction in a way that makes it clear he sees the entire process as a symphony that he’s conducting, where the audience is just another instrument being played.”

Or perhaps Patrick Willems best encapsulates the joys of the film when he writes that Knives Out is “a movie as good as its sweaters (the sweaters are excellent)”. (The most popular sweater has its own story, here.)

When we got in a room with Rian Johnson recently, we naturally wanted to learn how he juggled such an impressive ensemble whilst navigating the twists, turns, and more twists of Knives Out’s plot.

Chris Evans and Ana de Armas wearing sweaters, Rian Johnson not wearing a sweater, on the set of ‘Knives Out’.

You’ve often talked about your lifelong love of the whodunit genre. How did you go about making your own? Rian Johnson: It’s very interesting, the whodunit genre. It’s one of my favorite genres. I love all the things about it. I also kind of agree with Hitchcock. Hitchcock hated the whodunit genre. To Hitchcock, the danger of the whodunit is: it’s a lot of build-up for one big surprise at the end, and that’s not very satisfying or fun. That’s why he was all about suspense. He would give the audience information early and then you’re in suspense and not just crime-solving. He would also mislead the audience, so you’d think you’re getting all the information early. And enough so that you’re leaning forward, you’re not sitting back. That’s Hitchcock’s whole deal.

So for me, what was interesting is: can I put the engine of a Hitchcock thriller in the middle of a whodunit? Have a whodunit that then turns into a Hitchcock thriller that turns back into a whodunit? That was kind of the starting point for me, from a genre-wonk point of view.

So then I started filling out, okay what would that actually mean? I’m talking around it because I don’t wanna spoil anything, but, okay if we did this and then that could be interesting. And then I started zooming in bit by bit and filling out what characters I would need for what plot points. All the details come later but it’s as ‘big picture’ as that.

Jamie Lee Curtis, Christopher Plummer, Don Johnson and Michael Shannon in ‘Knives Out’.

Were there ever any alternative outcomes in play? Not really, because I didn’t really work, like, “if this happens, then that happens, then that happens”. I worked it like a satellite map. I zoomed back. I work in little notebooks and I have to draw one line and see the entire plot along that line. So it’s not like a game of Clue where I can pick out different solutions at the end; it’s kind of set because the shape of the whole thing determines a different kind of ending from the very inception of it.

Watching this, I thought about your film The Brothers Bloom, as that’s another ode to a somewhat specific genre—the con-artist film—in which your affection for that kind of film was also evident. How challenging is it to write and shoot films in genres you grew up loving? Any time I’m attacking a genre it’s because I deeply, deeply love it. The heart of it for me is always trying to distill the thing I love about it and set that as the goal-post and then find my own way to it. Whether it’s the con-man movie with The Brothers Bloom, or Star Wars as a genre, or this, it’s always about trying to get to the heart of what I love about something and then trying to put that on the screen so the audience will have as pure an experience of it as possible. And sometimes to give the audience the purest experience, you have to shake it a little bit, because… we’ve seen so many versions of it over the years that the audience can kind of ignore it. So sometimes you have to put it in a different context, like with Brick, with film noir or something. But the intent is always to give the audience the most sharp and vivid experience of what’s at the heart of it for me.

This film is a blockbuster of chemistry. Was it difficult to cast? Once we got Daniel on board, no. Once he was the centerpiece, I think everyone wants to work with him so it was like a snowball. Because then we got Michael Shannon, and everyone wants to work with him. And Lakeith Stanfield. So, no, the cast came together very, very quickly, just like everything else in this project. With these actors, my job is easy. They show up on set, they clicked in so easily. They’re such pros. They say casting is 90 percent of directing and it was really true in this case.

Lakeith Stanfield, Noah Segan and Daniel Craig in ‘Knives Out’.

Speaking of Daniel Craig, his character is a microcosm of the film in that he is not in any way like any detective that has come before, yet you cannot help but think of precedents. Were you consciously trying to make him unlike Hercule Poirot? When I started writing, I actually kinda got myself in trouble because I was thinking too much about Poirot. I love Poirot so much and I think I was thinking too much like: how do I make my Poirot? And so I started doing all this sort of quirky stuff, and throwing all these quirks in there, like maybe he has an eye patch and a peg leg maybe. It was just silly. And so finally I said “this is so stupid”, and I pulled all that stuff and I just said: “I’m gonna write this character very straightforward. The way that he needs to be for the script. And I’m gonna give him a Southern accent, because then he’s a fish out of water in New England. And then whoever I cast, I’m gonna believe that they’re gonna inhabit that character in such a way that he’ll be unique.”

I think what Daniel found—that is exactly what is at the heart of Poirot—is Daniel found kind of what’s funny about the character. Beyond the accent. He found the self-inflated, clownish aspect of him, while still maintaining a humanity and an intelligence, which is really what Poirot is. It’s why Peter Ustinov is my favorite Poirot—he gets what’s funny about the character. And like Columbo or like Miss Marple or any of the great fictional detectives, it’s that element that makes you not quite take him seriously until it’s too late and they’ve solved the whole case. I think that’s what Daniel keyed into more than anything else.

This feels like a film that people are going to pore over the details of, as they did with Looper. I love it because that’s part of what I love about those kinds of movies. First of all, let’s separate them, because with time-travel movies, the notion that a time-travel movie can make sense is absolute nonsense. So time travel is much more like the spells in Harry Potter than science, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. Except maybe Shane Carruth. Shane is the one person who can actually figure out time travel. Everyone else, it’s kind of like a fantasy element more than anything else.

Ana de Armas in ‘Knives Out’.

So with Looper, I felt like I had to have it make narrative sense, but I didn’t feel the pressure of it having to work in every little detail, because it can’t. Whereas, it’s a little different with a whodunit because every screw has to be tightened and I can’t leave any loose ends. I do want people to be able to re-watch and dig in. But I’ll be a little more sad if they find things that don’t make sense. I’m sure they will, but it’ll actually make me a little sad if they do, because I’ll be like: “I messed up there”.

How do you feel about your films being subjected to that kind of scrutiny? I think it’s fun! That’s the thing: for a certain kind of moviegoer, that’s the pleasure you get—it’s almost like the kid who if you hand them a radio, you’re gonna wanna take it apart. If that’s what someone loves about watching a movie then I think that’s fantastic. I’ve done that with certain films. I’ve watched them over and over and tried to analyze, so I get [that] that’s part of the pleasure of it.

How are you feeling about your Star Wars experience? As a filmmaker, as a Star Wars lover, it was the best experience of my life. Everything about it. Writing it. Making it. The people I got to meet. The places I got to go. The experience I had putting it out. The last two years interacting with the fans has been so rewarding and so fantastic.

I feel like I always have to say that the bad part of that gets written about a lot because it’s interesting to write about. From being in the middle of the hurricane, I can tell you that 95 percent of my interactions with fans are absolutely lovely. That’s not to say they all even like the movie—some of them don’t, or some of them have issues with the film—but they’re all engaged and respectful and so deeply engaged in it in a way that when you make movies you only dream that people will engage with something that you made on that level. So no, for me, the whole thing top-to-bottom has been the most beautiful experience I can possibly imagine.

Rian Johnson directs Joonas Suotamo on the set of ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’.

Something that I know in my bones from being a Star Wars fan since I was five years old: everybody has a slightly different version of what Star Wars is to them, absolutely. That’s why I’m excited that stuff like [new Disney+ series] The Mandalorian can exist. The more Star Wars stuff we make, the more there’s gonna be a spectrum that gives different people the things that they want. But we also have to recognize that nothing is gonna give everybody what they want, and somebody is always gonna be upset.

What George Lucas did originally was make a movie that was straight from his heart, and expressed exactly what this world was to him. And expressed emotional truths in this world in a way that was resonant for him personally. I feel that every filmmaker who comes to Star Wars, that’s their job. Their job is not to take a survey and to see what is going to have the broadest demographic appeal. Their job is to speak from their heart and make a thing that resonates with what Star Wars is for them. And I think the more diverse filmmakers we have doing that, the more diverse Star Wars movies we’ll have, the more people will hopefully be happy and the less yelling there’ll be all around.

‘Knives Out’ is now in theaters. Comments have been edited for clarity and length. With thanks to Studiocanal.

[introvertguide]

West Side Story (1961); AFI #51

The movie that I have spent so much time reviewing has been the absolute classic West Side Story (1961). It is the cinematic version of the Berstein and Sondheim play that was based on the Shakespearean story of Romeo and Juliet. The film was far and away the big winner at the Oscars getting ten awards including: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Art Direction, Best Editing, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, Best Score, and Best Costume Design. The AFI awarded it with 3 of the top 100 songs in American cinema (”Somewhere,” “America,” and “Tonight”) and it is considered the 2nd greatest musical. I want to go through the plot of the film briefly and then discuss some of its aspects:

SPOILER ALERT!!!

The movie begins with the toughest gang dance scene ever put to film. There is tension between a white American gang, the Jets, and a Puerto Rican gang, the Sharks. The Jets are led by Riff (Russ Tamblyn) and the Sharks are led by Bernardo (George Chakris). A fight breaks out and Lieutenant Schrank and Officer Krupke arrive and break it up. The Jets decide to challenge the Sharks to a rumble at an upcoming dance for neighborhood control. There is singing.

Riff says that his best friend Tony (Richard Beyman) should fight in the rumble, but Tony now has a job. Riff invites Tony to the dance, but Tony is uninterested. He tells Riff that he senses something important will happen and Riff says that Tony should come to the dance because maybe that is where that important thing will take place. Then there is singing. 

Bernardo's younger sister, Maria (Natalie Wood), is excited to go to the dance because it is her first time going out, almost like a debutant ball. She is harassing Bernardo’s girl friend Anita (Rita Moreno) to make her neckline lower so she can impress at the dance. Once everyone gets there, despite the efforts of the DJ, the different racial groups do not mix and take turns dancing around the center of the room. Tony arrives and he and Maria fall in love at first sight in one of the most strikingly cinematic scenes. Bernardo is not having it and demands that Tony keep away from his sister. At the end of the scene, the gang leaders agree to have a war council at the local drug store.

Maria is sent home in a romantic daze while the rest of the Puerto Rican gang and their girlfriends dance on the roof and compare Puerto Rico and the US in a lovely rooftop dance. There is lots of singing. 

Tony discreetly visits Maria on her fire escape, where they reaffirm their love. There is singing and it is very similar to the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Side note, Maria keeps telling Tony to be quiet but they are both belting out their love for each other. Very silly. Krupke, who suspects the Jets are planning something, visits the drug store and tells the Jets to keep clean. After Krupke leaves, the gang has a rather long song and dance number explaining why their behavior is not their fault. When the Sharks arrive, both groups agree to have the showdown the following evening under the highway, with a one-on-one fist fight. Schrank shows up and tells the Sharks to leave then askes the Jets to tell where the rumble will be so that Schrank can protect them. The gang reveals nothing about the fight. 

Maria is on cloud nine the next day at work and goes on about feeling like the prettiest girl in the world. There is singing. Anita accidentally tells Maria about the rumble. Tony arrives to see Maria, which shocks Anita. The couple admits that they are in love and Anita warns them about the consequences if Bernardo learns of their relationship. Maria makes Tony promise to prevent the rumble and the couple fantasize about their wedding ceremony. There is more singing. 

The Jets and Sharks approach the area under the highway. Tony arrives to stop the fight, but Bernardo antagonizes him, trying to bait Tony into a fight. Unwilling to watch Tony be humiliated, Riff initiates a knife fight. Tony tries to intervene, which leads to Bernardo killing Riff. Tony see his best friend dead and kills Bernardo with Riff's knife. Police sirens blare and everyone flees, leaving behind the dead bodies.

Maria waits for Tony on the rooftop of her apartment building when the boy that Bernardo had wanted her to date, Chino (Jose De Vega), arrives and tells her what happened. Tony arrives later and relates his side of the story and asks for her forgiveness before he turns himself in to the police. Maria is upset about her brother but does not want to lose Tony so she asks him to stay with her.

The Jets assemble outside a garage with a new leader and decide that they need to lay low in case they run into the police. There is singing. The idea of the number is that they need to play it cool, but the members keep spazzing out like they can’t hold in their rage. 

Tony and Maria arrange to meet at Doc's, where they will pick up getaway money to elope. Anita goes to see Maria and sees Tony running away. She is angry about Tony but agrees to help them since Maria loves Tony like Anita had loved Bernardo. 

Schrank arrives and questions Maria about the rumble. Tony is waiting at Doc’s drug store and she can’t leave, so Maria has Anita go to the drug store in her place to tell Tony that Maria is detained from meeting him. When Anita reaches Doc's, the Jets harass her until Doc intervenes. Anita declares that Bernardo was right about them and that Chino killed Maria. Doc banishes the Jets and gives Tony his getaway money in the basement and delivers Anita's message. Tony runs into the streets, shouting for Chino to kill him as well. 

In the playground next to Doc's, Tony spots Maria and they run toward each other, only for Chino to shoot Tony. The Jets and Sharks arrive to find Maria holding Tony, who dies. Maria stops the gangs from fighting and takes the gun from Chino and threatens to shoot everyone, blaming their hate for the deaths. Schrank, Krupke and Doc arrive and the gangs form a funeral procession, with Maria following. The police arrest Chino and lead him away. There is no singing.

This film stays very close to its roots and follows the timing beats of Romeo and Juliet almost spot on. Tony is Romeo, Maria is Juliet, Riff is Mercutio, Bernardo is Tybalt, Anita replaces the role of the Nurse, and Doc is the Friar. There is a lot less singing in the Shakespeare play. The opening fight scene, the balcony scene, the death of Mercutio by Tybalt, the revenge of Romeo. The story is all there. All are punished.

I try very hard not to be topical with these reviews, but I wanted this to come out before a 2019 remake was finished. Steven Spielberg is directing so it will likely do well and I did not want to have to delineate between the two by constantly referencing the year. 

There is only one gripe I have with the film and that is the two lead actors. Tony does not seem like a tough guy who is won over by love and Maria is played by Natalie Wood in dark make-up. Neither of them are very good dancers and apparently neither of them could sing because both of them were dubbed completely for any singing sequences. But everything else is so vibrant and beautiful with spectacular music and dance sequences. The film is cinematically appealing with huge crane shots that show these massive scenes. The film could have put just about anybody as the lead and it would still have been fantastic, it is too bad there weren’t actors cast who could have elevated the role.

I want to point out again the scene where the star crossed lovers meet at the dance hall and how it is so beautifully cinematic. The two see each other and everything around them becomes dull and fuzzy. Only the faces are in focus. The music goes from blasting brass and super expressive dancing of all the people in the hall to just the couple dancing to light woodwinds very slowly and sweetly. It is exquisitely shot. The music then catches up and Bernardo steps in to break up the meeting. It is only about two minutes of run time, but it is one of my favorite bits of cinema that I have ever seen.

I have made fun of how strange the dancing is with the serious tone of the film (the intro fight scene, the “play it cool” number, the knife fight that looks like a dance number), but the incongruous actions add a charm that I absolutely love. I tried to get some of my housemates to sit down and watch the film with me and they were having none of it. I told them that one of the main characters was Russ Tamblyn who played the weird doctor in Twin Peaks, but they did not care. I told them the film had white actress Natalie wood basically in brown face. Nothing. I even threw in the “Beat It” video style knife fight and I still got nothing. So I watched alone. I still loved it.

The question of whether or not this should be on the AFI list is not much of a question: Of course. It is a beautiful story and a beautiful movie. It won 10 Oscars. It adapted Shakespeare’s great tragedy and set it in New York. The whole concept is pure genius. Would I recommend it? I would say that if you haven’t seen it then you need to go out right now and find it. It is referenced in so many things that not seeing it means you are missing out. The depth that this movie is ingrained in Americana is staggering. It is political, it is sweet, it is fun, and it is a tragedy. Managing all these things puts it in my top 10 of all time. 

[bourbonboredom]

A Reason To Believe Chapter 3

Being an undercover officer is a perilous job and Flip Zimmerman knows this far too well. He keeps his romantic life limited to one-night stands, never letting anyone get too close. That all starts to change when he meets a vivacious Jewish woman named Elle just as he’s about to take on a seriously dangerous  undercover job; infiltrating the KKK. Elle and his undercover work make him question things he’d never thought to before and challenge him to see the world, and himself, in a whole new light.

A Flip x OC Fic

Word Count: 4,751

Warnings: none

Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some

Until I first met you, I was lonesome

And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light

And this old world seemed new to me

(x)

“Grandma said today’s the New Year,” Flip told his mother as he watched her move around the kitchen. She was making dinner so it was ready for dad as soon as he came home.

She smelled of perfume, as always, and was immaculately dressed while making cooking, as always. He sat at the kitchen table, his legs swinging from his seat, not quite able to touch the ground yet. His growth spurt wouldn’t happen until seven years later when he reached thirteen. 

“Did she now?” His mother’s voice had just a hint of annoyance, one Flip didn’t yet recognize. And so he powered on. 

“She told me on the phone last week. She said we should call her today so say Luh-Sannatovah--”

“Luh-sha-NAH tov-AH,” She corrected him, opening the oven door. “And we don’t celebrate that, Grandma knows this,”

“But why not? We’re Jewish aren’t we?” 

“We don’t celebrate it Phillip, don’t ask again please,” her voice was clipped but dangerous. The roast pan clattered as she slammed it on the stove top. 

“Don’t mention this to your father when he gets home, the last thing he needs is to hear you bringing this up,”

Flip stopped swinging his legs. He kept his mouth shut from then on about the holiday from then on. 

------------

As promised Flip was at the apartment before sundown, a bottle of red wine in hand. He parked his truck on the street outside the plain brick building. He looked from the sheet of paper with her address, it said she was on the third floor. He looked up to the windows, hoping to maybe catch a glance of her before making his way into the building.

He went up the old rickety staircase, the steps groaning under his weight. He opens the door to the third floor hallway and looks for her apartment number. As he walked he could hear the different tenants going about their night. One room had a tv blaring the latest variety show, another had the game playing in the radio as some kids were running around. He finally reached her apartment door, music drifting into the hallway.

He knocked on the door and awkwardly looked around while waiting for her to open the door. He noticed a tiny brass object hammered into her door frame, just at his eye level. It was a mezuzah, which had parts of the Torah inscribed on a piece of paper inside in order to bless the home. He vaguely remembered his grandmother instructing him to touch it before coming into someone's home. He placed his fingertips to it gently, feeling the cool metal under his skin. In that moment he heard a lock unlatch and he pulled his hand back to his side right before door swing open in front of him.

"Hey you," Eliana looked up at him, opening the door wider. "Come on in, you're the first one here,"

"Hi Eliana--”

“You can call me Elle,” She interjected, walking further into the space.

 “Elle. It smells good in here," he following her into the kitchen.

He noted she was wearing a pair of chords and a simple blouse, her Star of David necklace hanging freely now that it was unrestricted by a uniform. Her hair was half pulled back and she was barefoot. For a moment he wondered if he should have taken off his shoes but before he could ask she started speaking again.

"Thanks, I've been cooking all day. Sorry it's a bit of a mess in here right now," she said, moving back to the oven to check on what was cooking inside.

"All day?" He asked.

"All day," she reaffirmed. "It's a holiday, and a lot of the traditional foods weren't really available at the supermarket. So I had to make do,"

She motioned to the kitchen table, which held an impressive amount of food. Round loaves of challah still giving off steam, bowls filled with cooked carrots and potatoes, and another platter of unidentified food filled the small table.

"Well it looks great," he said, settling the bottle of wine among the feast.

“Thanks! The chicken will be ready soon. I figured that would be friendlier than the customary fish head. Besides, my other friends don't eat a lot of fish so this was the safest option,"

"Where are your other friends?" He asked, trying to make polite conversation.

"They should be here soon. I think they're running late, Ruth always seems to be a good ten minutes late to everything. We had to change her watch to be fifteen minutes fast so she could actually get to work on time," Elle rolled her eyes and lifted herself up to sit on the counter.

The two sat in awkward silence for a moment, the only sound in the kitchen was the record player crooning pre-war tunes. The harmonizing of The Andrews Sisters poured from the speakers, playing a song he hadn’t heard since his childhood.

Bei mir bist du schön, please let me explain

Bei mir bist du schön means you're grand

Bei mir bist du schön, again I'll explain

It means you're the fairest in the land

Despite having an obvious attraction to one another, they both realized in that moment they really didn't know much about the other person.

"So... did you have any trouble finding the place?" she asked.

"No, I have a pretty good idea of where things are here. Police and all," he responded.

"Yeah, that'd make sense," she said, seeming like she was kicking herself on the inside.

"Do you need help finishing anything up?" He asked, trying to be polite.

"You could cut some apples with me, I haven't quite gotten there yet," she hopped off the counter and pulled a bowl of apples off the counter and placed it between the two of them.

"Knives are in the drawer by your leg," she pointed. He stepped back and pulled a couple out for them and they got to work.

"So any particular reason for apples? Kinda strange for dinner," He asked.

"Wow, you were serious about not celebrating, huh?" Elle said, smiling up at him. "Apples slices and honey are eaten together to symbolize having a sweet new year ahead,"

"And the fish head you mentioned?" He asked, almost not wanting an answer.

"You start with the head of the animal, its supposedly good luck. My mother used to go to the market to get sheep head, and would get mad when we wouldn't eat it,"she grimaced. "I'll take my chances with the chicken if it means my dinner isn't gonna be looking at me,"

"Understood," he said, not wanting to think about that memory.

"My siblings and I would collect the meat in napkins and toss it outside to the neighbor’s dog. My mom thankfully never caught us,"

"You have siblings?"

"An older sister and a younger brother. Rebecca is off living the housewife life with her husband and 4 kids in Brooklyn. Alex is finishing up college in Manhattan,"

"Is it hard being away from them?"

"Sometimes. Is it bad to say but I miss my brother more than my sister? I'm kinda the black sheep of the family, choosing a career over meeting a nice Jewish boy and settling down. Rebecca likes to remind me that my biological clock is ticking, she takes after mama," she tried to switch the conversation away from her. "How about you? Any siblings?"

"Nope, only child. I do get the settling down question from mom a lot though, that's seems pretty universal,"

"I guess so," she laughed. He laughed with her.

“So how did you get all the way to Colorado from New York City? Aren’t most people dying to move to your hometown?”

“New York is my home, and it will always be,” Elle mused. “But after going upstate for college, which was a good eight hours from home, I learned that I really liked my freedom,”

“I was away from my parents for the first time. I was taking classes on things that I actually liked and was making friends, and could wear pants without my mother kvetching about me looking like my brother! I love my family but being on my own felt great and I didn't know if I would be able to have that if I stayed in New York. So I took a job in Indiana at a hospital in a small city. I worked there for a few years and heard about a job opening at a hospital in Colorado that desperately needed nurses and was paying more than enough, so I thought why not? So here I am,” she gestured to the room surrounding them.

“That’s brave of you,” he noted.

“I don’t know if its brave so much as I’ve seen my sister’s life as a housewife and its encouraged me to want more. It’s like Betty Friedan said 'no woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor’—”

Flip’s lips twisted into a smile and he let out a short laugh. She realized the crassness of her quote and put a hand up to cover her mouth.

“I probably shouldn't be talking about orgasms during the high holy days,” she laughed.

“I get what you’re saying though. It’s not everyones calling,”

“And your calling is being a cop?” She changed the subject.

“I guess. I joined the military right out of high school. My dad was in the Air Force so it was expected of me. We lived on base in Nebraska, he didn’t retire until I was in my twenties. I did two tours over in Vietnam before coming back to the states and joining the Colorado Springs PD,”

“Is this the wrong time to tell you I spent a lot of time in college and post-grad protesting the war?”

“I mean, I went over there and I served but I didn't really agree with what was happening by the time I left. A lot of the people around me had been drafted. They didn't want to be there and were vocal about it, but we kept each other safe enough to get home,”

She was quiet and avoided his gaze. He knew what she was thinking. The country was so polarized about this war. It wasn’t popular by any means. He remembered the welcome he received coming home. Wearing your uniform didn't feel honorable when people called you a baby-killer as they walked by. He traded in that uniform for a CSPD one, finding it to be one of the only places where people didn’t scowl when they heard his resume.

“I didn’t kill anyone if thats what you’re thinking. My unit wasn't specialized or anything, we barely saw any action. There isn’t as much going on over there as the news is making it out to be,”

She bit the inside of her lip, cheeks flushing as she took in his words.

“I honestly hadn’t heard anything from anyone who had been over there. I appreciate you being honest about it. Sorry if I came off too strong,”

“It’s okay, I get it. Besides, you can make it up to me with dinner,”

He flashed her a cheeky smile and she shot one back his way. She looked beautiful right now, with her hair up in a loose bun from cooking and apron covering her outfit. He hoped he was appropriately dressed. He’d subbed out his usual flannel and jeans for a dress shirt and slacks. She was about to open her mouth, no doubt to shoot a sarcastic remark his way when she was suddenly interrupted.

The phone rang and she excused herself to go answer it. He found this all strangely relaxing. Slicing apples, the background music, the two of them just chatting and laughing. It was like they'd been doing this together for ages. His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden change in her voice, he eavesdropped into her call in the next room.

"Are you sure? Do you want me to send some soup your way?... No, don't worry about it, you focus on getting better... Okay, I'll call you tomorrow then, L'shana Tova..." she said before hanging up the phone and coming back in the kitchen.

"Everything alright?" He asked, putting the apple slices on a plate.

"The girl that was supposed to come, Ruth, she's really sick and can't make it. So I think it's just gonna be us," she said with an air of uncertainty.

He realized she was nervous. He was practically a stranger, just sitting in her kitchen with this huge meal she’d created. With four people, it would have been a party. With two though, it was more of an awkward date. He tried to receive the tension, let her know he was okay with this.

"Oh. Well, more wine for us then?" He offered.

She broke into a relieved smile.

"More wine for us then,"

——

The sun had just started to sink over the horizon as Flip helped Elle with setting the table, the two extra chairs being dragged back into the small living room. She turned off the radio and motioned for him to sit down as she retrieved a candle that had been burning in the other room.

“You said you’ve never done this before, right? Do you want me to break some of it down for you?” She asked as she came back into the kitchen.

“Uh— yeah. I mean, yes. Please. That’d be great,” he said, wanting to seem at ease with everything that was happening.

She took the unlit candle sticks, set in silver holders, and lit them with the existing flame which she then set on the kitchen counter behind them. She turned back to the table, standing over the candles. After a deep breath through her nose she closed her eyes, waved her hands over the flames and began reciting a prayer.

If Flip was being honest, he didn't understand anything she was saying. He never went to Hebrew school. The closest was an hour away and his father basically forbid it. There were no celebrations in his house growing up, at least none that were explicitly Jewish. He never thought much of his secular upbringing, but he couldn't help but feel in awe of the way Elle stood in front of him, speaking a language that was thousands of years old.

She looked so at peace with her movements, the prayers could have meant anything to his inexperienced ears but they sounded reassuring when voiced by her. She moved to gently cover her eyes with her hands as she spoke, shielding them from the light. After she was finished, she placed the candle to the other side of the table away from the food.

“That was for lighting the candles, which is important for most of our holidays. Think of it as a signal that this is a sacred time, separate from the everyday,” She told him. “Could you pass me the wine?”

He handed her the bottle he brought her and she popped it open using a cork screw she had kept on the table. She poured some wine into a small metal cup and motioned for him to pass his own glass. His was filled as well and he listened as she recited another prayer. When she was finished, he wasn't really sure what to do with it. So he held it, waiting for her to continue.

"Say Amen, we drink it now. Kiddush cup first," she winked, taking a sip from the metal cup before passing it to him to do the same.

“That was us blessing the wine before the meal. This is good pick by the way,”

She turned her attention to the challah that was covered with a clean dish towel. She uncovered them and spoke again. Flip was starting to hear familiar words in her prayers, they all seemed to start the same way.

"Baruch Attah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Haolam…"

He couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed when she moved around with so much confidence. Elle had clearly been doing this for her whole life, and it made him think about how much of an absence there had been of this in his. There was purpose in her actions, the rituals being practiced were far older than either of them.

She broke off a piece of the challah, handing it to him before taking her own. She dipped it in a small bowl of honey, waiting for him to do the same, before bringing it to her mouth and eating it. He followed suit, met with sweet buttery bread and thick honey on his tastebuds.

“That was the HaMotzi, we’re thanking G-d for providing us bread,” She explained. “There’s one more blessing, and then we can eat. Take one of those apple slices you made and dip it into the honey,”

He did as instructed, mimicking the way she held it upward to keep the honey from dripping. He listened to her sing one more blessing, smiling to himself as he thought of how much he liked hearing her voice.

“Perfect! And now—” she took a bite of the slice. “We eat!”

“Thanks for walking me through, that was helpful,” he said as he ate his own slice.

“Of course. It’s weird to just sit there and listen to stuff you can’t understand. If Ruth and her boyfriend were here it might've been more fun, the more the merrier on holidays,”

“I’m still having fun with just you,” he looked to her, letting her know he really meant it.

She smiled at him, just staring back at him for a moment. It was hard to believe this was happening right now. He’d met Elle less than two weeks ago. He only learned her name earlier this week. And now they were having a holiday meal together in her apartment. He was used to moving fast with girls, but not like this.

“Oh no I forgot the chicken!" she gasped suddenly and rushed to the oven.

She pulled mitts on her hands and pulled the bird out in its pan. He'd forgotten about the main dish as well. There didn't seem to be any smoke so that was a good sign. She checked it over for damage.

"It's edible!" She declared, setting it down in the center of the table.

The two of them laughed before digging in.

---

Everything was delicious.

Flip couldn't remember the last time he’d had a full homemade meal. Maybe thanksgiving? Or going over to Jimmy’s one night? Whenever it was, Elle’s meal was two times better.

Between mouthfuls of food, they found time to converse. He wanted to know more about her, she was unlike anyone he’d ever met. Funny, assertive, intelligent, and had a pretty dirty mouth after a few glasses of wine.

“So you grew up an only child? Must’ve been nice having some damn peace and quiet,” she commented as he spoke about his upbringing.

“It was lonely sometimes. I think my parents might’ve wanted more kids but it just never happened. And yeah, it was really quiet. I didn’t realize how quiet until I started going to friend’s houses. My dad was a military man, very reserved and serious. And my mom was always concerned with fitting in with the neighbors,”

“That’s gotta be hard if you’re the only Jews on the block,” she sympathized.

“Yeah, we didn't really celebrate anything. Like, we had a menorah in the house but it was never lit. My parents said it was an heirloom and was too delicate for that, but I think my mom just didn't want the neighbors seeing. We even had a christmas tree up in later years,”

“Wow thats really bizarre. New York had literally everything. No one cared what you were doing for the most part. A lot of our neighbors were Jewish so there was never a second thought celebrating anything. I suppose that’s why my parents came here, the freedom of religion. There wasn’t much of that in Germany before they came over. Now they like to go all out,”

“They came before the war then?” he asked.

“Yep, 1937. They had my sister just a few months after arriving in America. Kind of an anchor baby, but don’t tell her that,”

“Do you speak German then?”

“German, Yiddish and Hebrew. They taught us German at home and we learned Hebrew in Hebrew school. We learned a little Yiddish too, but that’s just for talking at home, mostly simple stuff. I kinda wish I knew more,”

“Well, that’s still three more languages than I can speak,”

“I thought of going to school to study language. But then my mother said that’d be a good way to meet a husband and I decided to switch to nursing so I could make enough money on my own. And maybe to piss her off a bit,”

Flip laughed. He knew a lot of women went to college to get their MRS. degree, but he hadn’t heard of one who went to specifically avoid marriage.

“I’m sure she was thrilled. Eight hours away, protesting the war, and wearing pants,” he mused.

“Oh, she was ready to arrange a marriage at that point. I made the mistake of bringing home a box of rubbers one holiday break. She snooped around my bag and found it, I thought she was going to drop dead right there,”

He roared with laughter at the thought. Condoms were a very scandalous thing for a single woman to be carrying around in the 1960’s. For her even to obtain them was a mystery he thought was best unsolved. She was certainly ready to cause trouble at ever turn, and he loved it.

“I stole a cigarette from my father in middle school and went to the edge of the base to smoke it. One of the other officers caught me and told my dad. I don’t think I was more scared in my life than coming home and finding him in the living room with a belt next to him,”

She gasped before laughing again.

“Well was it worth it?”

“I smoke the same brand as him after all these years, it all worked out somehow,”

“I’m having trouble picturing you as a little trouble-maker, officer Zimmerman,” she confided, lips turned up.

“And I can’t see you as prim and proper. I saw you in your nurse uniform just a few days ago, looking all professional and crisp but then you’re telling me stories that make you out to be a hell-raiser,”

“I was a part of the National Organization for Women back in New York and Indiana, not to keep adding on to your narrative,”

N.O.W. was something he’d read about in the news, or seen on tv. A feminist group that was often demonized and dismissed. Passed off as a bunch of crazy women looking to achieve something that would never come about. He’d take those news stories with a grain of salt. He saw nothing wrong with a strong woman.

“A bra burn-er huh? You might need them here in Colorado, it gets pretty cold you know,” he teased.

“I’ll have you know my bras are fully in tact, thank you very much! We were more focused on getting the Equal Rights Amendment passed,” she informs him.

“Best of luck getting anything passed in Congress. But maybe there’s a chapter around here you could join,” he offered.

“You’re okay with me being a feminist?” she asked.

He was taken aback for a moment, unsure of how to answer that.

“Yeah. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Gotta be passionate about something, right?”

“And what are you passionate about Flip Zimmerman?” she rested her chin on her hand as she waited for his response.

He didn’t have one.

“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But this chicken sure is a forerunner,”

She gave him an odd little smile, somewhere between amusement and pity.

“You can take some home if you’d like, there’s more than enough,”

“I might have to take you up on that,”

They talked the night away, moving from the table to the couch once they were both full. The wine bottle followed them, perching on the coffee table as they spoke. They were just touching, her figure curled up on the cushion next to him, the two of them facing each other in the dim light.

She made him laugh like crazy and he did the same. They exchanged more childhood stories, and he filled her in on some of the more wild cases he’d been apart of on the force. Once they had both finished their last glass, things started to get heated.

What was ‘just touching’ became his large hand resting on her thigh. She rested her hand on his bicep as they spoke. And slowly, their faces grew closer and closer together until their words died on their lips. He was the one who bridged the gap, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. He was testing his luck, seeing if she was feeling the same way he was. She quickly returned the kiss, deepening between them.

It wasn’t long before the two of them were making out on her couch like teenagers. She moved to his lap, straddling him as they kissed. His hands settled on her waist and her’s rested on his shoulders. Flip hadn’t done this in a long while, just kiss a girl, really take his time. It was nice.

She broke a part their kiss, touching her nose to his as she spoke with a hushed tone.

“I have another bottle of wine we could open if you wanna stay a while,”

He thought about it. Of course he wanted to spend the night with her, she was fucking gorgeous. He would spend every night with her if he could. But that was part of the problem.

He wasn’t going to be able to one-and-done it with Elle. He liked her too much. He liked getting to know her and eating dinner with her and even preparing dinner with her. He wanted to get to know a girl with her clothes still on. Who was he turning in to?

New year, new Flip Zimmerman.

“As much as I would love that sweetheart, I gotta get up early for work tomorrow,” he heard himself say.

She looked disappointed. He felt disappointed in himself, to be honest.

“But this was nice. I’d like to do it again sometime,” he assured.

“You know Rosh Hashanah only happens once a year, right?” she teased. He chuckled.

“I mean us getting together and having a good time. Maybe more of this?” He accentuated his words by rubbing his hands down her sides.

“I think that could be arranged,” she hummed. “Yom Kippur in next week, I suppose you don’t so anything for that either?”

“I can’t say I do,”

“Well if you’re not up for fasting, you’re welcome to break fast with me. Maybe with some Chinese food from the place around the corner?”

“I’d like that. Not the fasting part, but after,”

She kissed him again, looping her arms around his neck as if to keep him there just a little bit longer. He felt himself getting tighter in his jeans, a sign that he should stop before the alcohol makes any major decision for them. He broke the kiss, lifting her from his lap with ease before setting her on her feet.

Her curls were slightly disheveled and her blouse was un-tucking but she still looked beautiful. She ran a finger over his Star of David before trailing into the next room.

“I’ll pack some of this up for you. You can get the Tupperware back to me whenever, there’s no rush,” she called from the other room.

he awkwardly stood on the doorway of the kitchen as she worked, not wanting to get in her way. She seemed to know what she was doing.

“You need any help with the clean up?” he asked.

“No, thanks for asking but don’t worry about it. It’ll help me sober up,” she joked. At least he wasn’t the only one who needed the break from the wine.

She strode over to him, three pink Tupperware containers in hand. He took them into his arms, cradling them so they wouldn't fall.

“I hope that’s enough,” she chewed at her lip.

“More than enough, thank you. And thank you for inviting me over. I hope your friend feels better,”

“I’ll tell her you said that, thanks. So I’ll see you soon?” she looked up at him with eager eyes. He had a feeling not just anyone got to see that.

“I’ll give you a ring tomorrow if you want. Around eight?”

Her face lit up.

“Perfect, I’ll hold you to it,” she warned him.

“Alright. Happy New Year Elle,”

“L’Shana Tova Flip,”

He swooped down to give her one last kiss before walking out the door.

“L’shana Tova” he mumbled as he walked down the hall, Tupperware in hand and a small grin on his face.

---------

Notes:

The light irony of having a Jewish New Year chapter released around the first week of 2019. Happy New Year! I tried to write Rosh Hashanah to the best of my ability, my family is on the Lite(TM) end of Judaism, so I asked a lot of friends about their family’s customs to help make sure everything was good. If anyone does anything differently, I’d love to hear it!

-For those who don’t celebrate Rosh Hashanah, it’s a two day celebration that is at the beginning of the seventh month of the Jewish calendar (which is different from the Roman one we use, thats why Jewish holidays fall on different days every year). It’s about the celebration and reflection of the last year, the latter helps prepare for Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement. 

-Rosh Hashanah usually has a service you attend, but Elle is new in town and I would think too busy with double shifts to make it to synagogue (if there were any close by at all). Dinner can be a big affair depending on what your family likes to do. There is a lot of symbolism involved in the food choices, and with two nights of celebration there are different customs for each night. For example, eating a new fruit is customary on the second night, but that isn’t written about in this chapter as it was only the first night. 

-Kvetching is Yiddish for complaining/bitching

-Betty Friedan’s quote is from her book The Feminine Mystique, which was a huge influence for the second wave of feminism. She also co-founded the National Organization for Women (NOW). She also believed associating with the LGBT community would hurt Women’s Rights, calling lesbians “The Lavender Menace” (which is obviously shitty)

-the 1960′s was a turning point in the national attitude toward sex. The Sexual Revolution in the 60′s and 70′s made sex more of an open topic, but a lot of things were still taboo. Condoms for unmarried women in the 60′s were hard to come by. Also remember, Roe v. Wade was 1973. Abortion was still illegal at this time.

-I absolutely do not advocate punishing children with belts. But Flip grew up in the 40′s/50′s/60′s where corporal punishment was unfortunately a lot more common.

-I head cannon that Flip grew up on Offut Air Force Base in Nebraska. 

-I head cannon that Elle went to nursing school in Buffalo, NY. The State University system would have been cheaper than private school, which her parents would have probably appreciated. SUNY schools were really big on protests in the 1960′s and 1970′s, some of the schools even having uneven staircases installed on campus that make it more difficult to riot (no joke). 

-Voicemail wasn’t invented until the last ‘70s, if you wanted to call someone, it was best to tell them what time you were calling. 

[thran-duils]

felt the need to write because i’ve read a bunch of stories about people, specifically women, not having their medical needs listened to. i knew it happened but it had never really happened to me until this week.

i had a labial cyst right next to my urethra, which they diagnosed as a bartholin cyst. i noticed it sunday and it was tender to the touch. it was about the size of a pea. monday, it was still relatively small, still tender. tuesday morning, it had grown a bit and was more painful. i called the consulting nurse line for my insurance and they got me an office visit that morning (after he discouraged me from going to urgent care because they might have to do a procedure and they don’t do that there???).

the medical assistant took swabs, UA, BRIEFLY examined the spot (after forgetting to do so when i was up in the stir ups). concluded it wasn’t infected and advised me it would go away on its own and to do sitz baths 2 times a day or 4-6 warm compressions.

wednesday, it had definitely grown. guessing about the size of a blueberry. and it was FAR more painful. i couldn’t walk normally, it hurt to squat, sitting for long bouts was not an option. i was barely working because i was focusing on trying to keep comfortable (a lot of my job is sitting). in the afternoon, i called the nursing consulting line again because it was really painful. this nurse was highkey annoyed with the advice i had been given by both the first consulting nurse and the medical assistant i had seen. she told me i needed to do more than 2 sitz baths a day AND i needed to do warm compressions with that. she also suggested icing it to decrease inflammation. she commented she didn’t know how i was working and said she would recommend urgent care (annoyed the first nurse had discouraged me) if i couldn’t wait for an appt the next day. the physician she consulted with said the same thing. i, of course, felt like maybe i was overreacting. the questions both nurses and the medical assistant had asked were “can you pee?’ (yes) “do you have discharge?” (no) “Do you have a fever or chills?” (no). there seemed to be a trend and i picked up on it: if i wasn’t having those symptoms, i was probably overreacting.

that evening, the cyst had swollen more and now my whole labia was swelling. and the cyst had shifted, so it was directly pressing against my other labia which was awful. i called the consulting nurse line again. she asked those same three questions and said she believed waiting was appropriate. unless i couldn’t handle it anymore, i could go in. i decided to sitz bath, ice it, and then go to bed.

woke up at 4am. it was throbbing just with me in bed, still. i got up, struggled to the bathroom and got in a sitz bath. it was doing nothing and i was in tears because it hurt so much. i told my husband i needed to go to the ER and he agreed.

guys, my blood pressure is usually like 108/65. it was 139/86 or something like that, which they attributed to how much pain i was in. it hurt to undress because i couldn’t bend over far to get my shoes off, my husband had to do it for me and take my bottoms off. it took them three hours to get to me because the first doctor that came in came when i was down giving them a UA. then they got slammed and i wasn’t “life threatening”.

to make this part brief, it was really fucking painful for the doctor to examine the cyst. but the fucking numbing shot was EXCRUCIATING. i thought i was going to break my husband’s hand. the way he described it was my teeth were gritted, tears streaming down my face, and i was whimpering “but that doesn’t do the noise justice”. after that, the doctor did an incision and wow, IT WAS SUPER FUCKING INFECTED. NO WONDER IT HURT SO BAD! he drained it and put a catheter in and prescribed me pain killers for the next three days.

the catheter was extremely fucking uncomfortable. i kept having to adjust it because my clothes were pressing against it and it would sting really, really bad if it got bumped.

this morning, at 5:45am about, it fell out into the toilet. i called the consulting nurse again and when i asked if i would have to get that numbing shot again (because that was my biggest concern) and she said “maybe”, i had my first anxiety attack of my life. i immediately felt nauseous, my vision started spotting and going black, it was hard to breathe. she was coaxing me to sit down and take deep breaths as soon as i said “i think i’m gonna throw up”. she told me to ask for a numbing gel/topical and told me to tell them i have anxiety about that shot. she got me scheduled ASAP, within a half hr of the clinic opening (so, 7:30am).

the doctor i met with this morning was AMAZING. she straight up told me “breathe, i’m not going to put it back in” because i had expressed to the nursing assistant i didn’t want the shot again and explained the pain and what had happened earlier this morning. the doctor went over why they had put the catheter in in the first place and told me there’s a slightly higher risk the cyst could form again without it but was it worth being uncomfortable for a month (which is how long it was supposed to stay in)? i told her i had a desk job and she said she wouldn’t recommend putting it back in and she was concerned it had fallen out in the first place because that means it was in wrong to begin with. she was super reaffirming and told me “good” when i told her i had just gone into the ER against all the advice. she told me i can always call for consulting but if i feel something is wrong, make an appointment. i know my body better than everyone else. i almost cried because i had felt like all of them except that second nurse had lowkey been pointing at “if you don’t have these symptoms, you’re overreacting.”

she isn’t my regular physician and i’ve only seen the other PCP once, but i felt comfortable with her as well. i am going to stick with those two.

basically, if you’re trying to tell someone, especially medical people, that you’re in pain, advocate for yourself. i wonder if that numbing shot would not have hurt as bad if i had gone in say, monday? when it wasn’t extremely infected. this doctor today told me if i notice any changes, call. and if i notice another cyst, call immediately and see an OB/GYN and ask for a marsupialization instead of waiting to have another incision and drainage.

you know your body.

[stupidinspadesconstantine]

John’s Christmas Tree (StormingtheCastleVerse)

John hadn’t even known what time of year it was, but Gideon kept track of these things and apparently so did Rip. According to both of them it was the week before Christmas. John felt like he’d been on the Waverider for years rather than the few months it had been. He’d been ill for the majority of the time while Gideon dealt with his lung cancer, and for a lot of it he’d been too sick to even get out of bed.

Rip had done more for him than anyone else he’d ever known, kept him entertained, provided medical care and companionship. Rip had confessed that he had feelings for his friend, and John was starting to think that it might just be mutual. But that was stupid, because John Constantine didn’t do romance - that was for other people. Although somehow Rip was making him feel things that he hadn’t felt in years, and he liked it. He wanted this to be more than just a fling, even if he also knew that he shouldn’t want that. His relationships never ended well.

The problem was that they hadn’t been able to do more than kiss for weeks now, because they’d both agreed it was best that no one knew about their relationship. Even the kisses had been stolen in moments that the nurse Rip had hired wasn’t around. So this clearly wasn’t just because he wanted to bed Rip, although he definitely did want that too, because he would have lost interest by now if that’s all it was.

The nurse had finished up her duties and departed for the last time yesterday, because her services were no longer needed. Chemo was over, all the tubes and medical equipment that kept him tied to the bed were gone, and Rip could now take care of John himself. So the first thing he’d done was have an extended snogging session with his boyfriend, and then he’d been so tired that he’d fallen asleep again. That was still an ongoing annoyance, he was weak and tired all the time. It was getting to be quite frustrating, as were Rip’s continual reassurances that it would get better.

Rip had suggested later that they celebrate his freedom by getting him out of bed and going for a short walk. John had jumped at the chance of a change of scenery, no matter how small, and felt pathetic for feeling so happy about something so trivial. Of course nothing was quite that simple. John’s legs hadn’t been used for anything except an occasional totter around the room for several weeks now, and they weren’t up to walking any distance. Rip only wanted to get him to the parlour though, and he was happy for John to lean on him and rest as much as he needed. If that included a snatched kiss here and there then he wasn’t going to complain.

It took about ten times longer than it would have taken a well person, but the two of them made it to the parlour eventually. John wasn’t really dressed for being on the bridge, wearing only his pyjamas and dressing gown - a truly eye watering monstrosity in reds and blacks, but it was comfortable. He also wore a close-fitting woollen hat that kept his head warm whilst he had very little hair. It was beginning to grow back, and itched a little as it moved beyond stubble and towards a crew cut.

As they turned the corner onto the bridge, John saw why Rip had been so insistent that he get up and come here. There was mince pies and mulled wine laid out on the table, with candles burning and the sound of Christmas music playing softly in background. The crowning glory of the room was the fir tree though. It was large, tall enough to reach from floor to ceiling, with dark green foliage, tastefully decorated in gold and silver baubles, a star at the top, and colourful, paper-wrapped boxes underneath.

John actually stopped moving for a second and gave Rip a look.

“You know I don’t do Christmas,” said John.

“Only because you don’t usually have anyone to do it with. I know that we both know too much about the inner workings of the universe to really take this festival at face value, but it’s still nice to have a moment to celebrate life and the start of a new year. Also I quite like a mince pie and a glass of mulled wine,” said Rip, guiding John towards a chair within easy reach of the food and drink.

John sat down a little more heavily than usual, and Rip placed a nearby blanket over his lap to keep him warm. He was aching from the walk, and he still felt the cold more than usual. The chemo had been hard on his body, and his recovery was going to be slow, even with Gideon’s help. He’d lost weight, because the chemo made him sick, and he’d been in constant pain because his veins had burned with the drugs, despite the painkillers. He’d slept through the worst of it, giving in to Gideon’s request to sedate him and let her manage his treatment when he decided he’d had enough of being stubborn.

He knew it had been hard on Rip, and he hadn’t enjoyed watching John be in pain and sick. He needed reassurance that John really was going to be fine and this was his way of reaffirming life. Also he’d always suspected that Rip was a sentimental romantic at heart and this kind of proved it.

“Is Gideon going to let me drink mulled wine?” he asked, looking up.

“One glass should not adversely affect you,” said Gideon.

“There we go then,” said Rip. “Gideon has given her approval.” 

He rubbed his hands together, with a smile in John’s direction, and poured them two glasses of wine. He handed one to John and then took the seat next to his, sipping his drink. John took a mouthful of his own, enjoying the warmth and his first taste of alcohol in a while. However the spices were a little rough on his throat, and he coughed.

“John?” asked Rip, with concern. More concern than he needed for a simple cough, but he couldn’t blame him. A simple cough had been the first sign that he’d been seriously ill, and Rip had known that before even John had. The historical record had noted John’s diagnosis of lung cancer, and although Rip didn’t like to pry into the lives of his friends, it had been a necessity this time.

He put the drink down and reached out for Rip’s hand. The paleness of John’s skin compared to Rip’s more healthy tone was obvious, and he could see the worry in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“I’m okay. It just went the wrong way. You can’t get all protective every time I have a frog in my throat,” said John.

Rip rolled his eyes at him. “Excuse my concern for my boyfriend who has been rather ill lately.”

“Give it a few more weeks. I’ll be back to my most annoying self and drinking stuff that’s stronger than this with nary a care,” replied John, flashing him what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“I’m sure you will,” said Rip, ruefully, taking another sip of the wine. “But until you can walk to the bathroom unaided, then you will have to put up with my concern.”

“Really? That’s the benchmark for when you stop worrying about me?”

“No, I will always worry about you, but maybe a little less when I know you’re not going to fall over when you get out of bed,” said Rip.

John gave him an annoyed look. “That happened once.”

“If you’d listened then it wouldn’t have happened at all,” replied Rip, looking at the tree.

“I’d just had enough of lying around. It really is good to be up, and thank you for all of this,” said John, with a wave of his hand at the tree. He was sort of hoping that Rip took it to mean more than the tree and wine and mince pies and music, but he didn’t want to get sentimental and spell it out.

Rip gave a very slight incline of his head. “You are very welcome.”

“And maybe now I’m on the mend, you could fulfill your promise of letting me dress you in leather and take you to bed...”

Rip went red and nearly choked on the mouthful of wine that he’d just taken. He had to put the glass down so that he could cough properly.

“Are you okay, mate?” asked John, keeping his tone light, as if he had nothing to do with Rip’s current coughing fit.

“It, er, just went the wrong way,” spluttered Rip, still trying to clear his throat.

“Sure it did,” replied John, with a smirk.

“You are definitely getting better. I’d almost forgotten how incorrigible you are,” said Rip, finally, but he rose from his chair and leaned down to kiss John squarely on the mouth.

“Then allow me to remind you,” said John, giving in to the kiss and putting his all into it.

Rip tasted of dark red wine and cinnamon, with a touch of aniseed and nutmeg. It was thoroughly pleasant and he wanted more. They broke off only to breathe.

“A promise is a promise,” said Rip, his voice unexpectedly breathy.

And John just grinned, because he was getting better and it had been hard fought, but he’d do it all again just to spend more time with Rip, and fall in love all over.

He realised that he was falling in love. He was totally in love with Rip Hunter, and god help him, there was absolutely nothing he could do about it other than go with it now. Something warm settled inside him, an emotion that he hadn’t felt in quite some time, and he pulled Rip in for another kiss. Christmas might just be his new favourite time of the year.

For @riphuntertimemasterlegend