#and the concept of parenthood and the concept of being someone's kid

[navree]

This is his dad in there, the first man he ever called Dad, at any rate, and even after everything, booze and jail and Bruce and death and then death again, there's never going to be a part of Jason that isn't gutted that he's dead. One night, a wraith in a red helmet slips onto the grounds of Blackgate Penitentiary to steal one specific thing.

Fandom: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics) Pairing(s): Jason Todd & Willis Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne Words: 2,822 Chapters: 1/1

[olderthannetfic]

if you don't mind me sending yet another personal questions on anon... i'm in my mid-20s, single, and pro-abortion because i'd rather fetuses not be born rather than abandoned or died of hunger or stunted from malnutrition. i'm from a third-world country so it's very common here and it's very sad to me. i'm not exactly poor though, more like middle class, i guess?

recently my coworkers talked about getting married and having children. one of them said "i've seen old people without children and no one takes care of them. also, an old person's happiness is mostly from watching their children grow up. that can never be replaced with anything." it sounds a little bit weird to me, but i'm not sure if it's because i'm single and have never looked up about parenting and children before, so i asked "but isn't it selfish to give life to children because you want someone to take care of you/you don't want to die alone? and aren't there other sources of happiness?" they reiterated that watching your children grow up is a different kind of happiness and that "having someone to take care of you is not the main goal, but it's gained anyways" but the way they said it sounds like it's the main goal to me because they don't state any other goals like "i want a footballer kid" or "i want a kid to take them on trips" or even "to continue the bloodline in the name of evolution". i honestly don't really get it.

i mean, they're free to think whatever they want as long as they don't abandon their children, but it brings me to a dilemma. i'm scared of dying alone and missing out on watching my own children grow up. but also, i don't think i'm ready to have children due to my mental capacity and lack of parenting skills. i'm scared of being selfish; what if my child turns out unhappy and depressed like me? what even is MY main goal? i have so many that i want to do, like travelling around the world, but eventually all my goals will be fulfilled and i'll have spare money, but i'll be less mobile when i grow up, and being pregnant is more dangerous as you grow older.

i'm still single so i think i have time to think about it, but it creeps on me like a ticking timer. since you and some of your readers are older and have probably went through this dilemma, what do you think? what even brought you to the point where you're set on having/not having children?

--

Yes, people are absolute morons about children.

In the context of the US, we have shit health care and a shameful dearth of ways to care for our elderly, disabled, or terminally ill. Most of the work falls to family. It is absolutely true that people with kids have a better shot of reasonable end of life care...

However, that's going to depend on where you live, and you could easily end up estranged from your kids or your kid could get hit by a bus or something. Treating something as major as parenthood as a guarantee of in-home nursing is fucking stupid in any country.

Different kind of happiness, my ass.

I'm happy I managed to have a kid after leaving it pretty late. My baby is delightful. I still don't see how this is that different from a best friend or a hobby. I think a lot of people are just boring and have no idea how to be rabidly passionate about their hobbies. They also have no idea how to build emotional intimacy. If they can't make a bff who'd nurse them through cancer, they probably can't instill those feelings in their kid either.

Most people find conception just fine up through the mid 30s. Late 30s even. I had to do IVF because I waited into my 40s. The pregnancy was still fine. The birth sucked because I didn't yell at the hospital staff forcefully enough or have a good enough advocate with me, but it still turned out okay. The medical part should be a relatively small part of your calculation unless you have reason to think the local medical system will make pregnancy particularly dangerous.

--

For me... I'd always assumed I'd have one. I didn't find the right partner, but I did run out of time. I pictured what my life would look like in five years with a kid. What would we be doing together? And I liked that picture, so I went for it.

One thing that helped a lot was that my mother was perpetually too busy running a business but did genuinely care. She left me alone to pursue my own hobbies a lot and did not hover because she was always doing ten thousand things, including her own stack of hobbies.

Most parenting content is about as pleasant as cleaning out a latrine. It's all full of "Do these seventy-two things every single morning or you're a Bad Mother™" and pretending like kids need your overbearing personality squashing them 24/7.

I like to joke "Well, you have to know which end goes up, and you have to feed them occasionally."

Thousands of years of imperfect people did manage not to drop the baby on its head. We even have vaccines now. You would be fine.

Also, my mother absolutely did drag me around the world when I was little. She got a chance to go visit Indonesia with a gamelan she used to play with when I was four and a half, so off we went. I had to completely change how I ate because it was all random homestays in the mid 80s, and the food they had was the food they had. Mom didn't think twice about this.

The biggest parenting error people make—not just personal happiness error but child emotional health error—is stopping living their lives because kids somehow need some bullshit normie fantasy of staying home forever and doing nothing interesting. You need to make a lot of time to do things with the kid, but those can be the things you actually like, not shit from a canned list of child appropriate activities.

If you are never "selfish", you will only teach your child that they cannot have both a kid of their own and a life.

Children need consistency, but that consistency is you caring about them and being around, not you giving up ever having personal time or interests.

[burningcheese-merchant]

Xcuse me but I forgot very important questions about BS parenthood.

Does he teach the kids more things besides fighting? Is he a cool dad, stoic dad, protective dad or "over-the-moon" dad? Does he gives romantic advises to his son? Does he let his little beast princess play with boys her age? Does he dreads the day when she falls in love? (I have the headcannon over my own BurningCheese fankid that whatever girl/boyfriend she gets they need to AT LEAST be able to put up with him in battle)

Yay, more questions from my buddy Almellow 🗣️🔥🙌

Spice is 100% "over-the-moon dad" when they're babies. It's a pleasant surprise to many to see him so genuinely bubbly and smiley (not to Golden, though, she knows his soft side by now and is just happy to see him enjoying being a father). It's really cute. (I like the concept of hyper-masculine men being soft and loving towards their families ok)

As they grow up, he becomes a mix of all those dad modes, really. Mostly Cool Dad, because having your kids look at you like you're larger than life is just the best. (He's also not the best at disciplining them a lot of the time tbh. He wants to indulge their foolishness, it's more fun. He ends up acting like a child himself, wanting to have fun with his children. And then they all get chastised by Golden together after they break something lol)

He's less protective than you'd imagine him to be; not because he doesn't care, but because he really does have that much faith in their strength right from the get-go. It's actually Golden that's the overprotective one, at least when they're little; he had to coax her into letting them start their warrior training because she kept wanting to push it back and making excuses to do so. (She just can't bear the thought of her little ones getting hurt. She's lost so much already. If anything happened to her children, her little gems... Spice is the one to convince her to have faith in the kids and let them do things. Of course they'll get hurt, she and him get hurt all the time still and they're adults. But they'll be fine. They're tough. They have to nurture that toughness, not stifle it. They can't protect them forever... But they don't need to. The kids can stand on their own two feet. He's never doubted either of them for a second, for any reason. She shouldn't, either.) But make no mistake, Papa Bear is alive and well, just dormant. Only coming out when necessary. You want to see the old Burning Spice? You want to see the Beast of Destruction again? Hurt those kids. Harm a single hair on their heads. Make them cry, make them bleed. Knock on that devil's door enough and Burning Spice will answer it, and he will greet you with that axe of his and that fiery, seething hatred that once consumed his soul and helped burn away countless others'.

Burning Spice trying to talk to his son about love is a really amusing thought lol. I don't think he'd go out of his way to do it until he actually notices his son expressing some form of interest in someone, then it's honestly 50% Lighthearted Dad Mockery™️ and 50% Actually Trying to Teach My Son How to Be Smooth™️. Pepper Jack is having less than none of it, this is all embarrassing as hell, he doesn't want to hear a damn word from his father's mouth (he's a teenager by this point, what teen wants their dad to try to coach them on how to flirt lol). He tries to shut Spice down with sarcasm (Jack is the KING of backtalk and smartassery when he's a teenager, he's a damn menace) or just questioning his wisdom in general. He likes to bring up how annoying and gross Spice and Golden always are (unapologetic PDA constantly lol). He's already forced to witness what "love" and flirting look like, he doesn't need his father pouring salt in his wounds

(Jack once made the mistake of going "didn't you used to be weird and creepy towards Mother" once, as a sort of "gotcha". It made Spice genuinely upset and angry and he tore Jack a new one that lol. Jack felt bad (and kind of scared. Spice never really gets truly angry with the kids, but Jack has seen him get angry with others, and... Oh Lord) and apologized, promising he wouldn't say anything like that again. Things were cold and awkward between them for, like, a week. And then Spice got over it and went back to annoying his son like usual lol)

As for Matar Paneer... She's his princess. His little girl. His little flower. (He has nicknames for both of them lol. He really does love them very much.) She can play with who she wants, so long as she's happy and no harm comes to her (but again, he believes in her strength wholeheartedly and expects her to kick ass if trouble comes by). But... Oh. When she's old enough to date... Poor Spice, he's so miserable lol. He would unironically own and wear this shirt:

If Burning Spice is saying he'd gladly go back to prison for something, you best believe he's being sincere lol

It's Golden that has to step in here. Before, he was the one soothing her worries; now the roles are reversed. She needs Spice to understand that Paneer is a becoming a young woman and she has the right to pursue and be pursued if she wishes. It's ok to care and worry, but he has to let her live and grow. (She's her mother and has always been a girl's girl, she knows what's up and will always be 100% in Paneer's corner in this regard.) Spice once asked her to have more faith in them, now she's asking him to do the same. (And, of course, he can brutally murder whoever hurts Paneer, if that really does happen. But he'll have to wait his turn, because Golden already plans to do the same ☺️)

And yeah, of course Spice teaches them stuff besides fighting. He's happy to do so. He teaches them how to meditate (he gets back into that after he reforms. Jack picks it up a lot faster than Paneer does lol). He teaches them to make the traditional Wild Spice dishes he still remembers how to do himself (he lets the other spices teach them the rest). He... teaches them about history. About the Wild Spices' history, and about history in general. He sounds so... somber when he talks about things like that. It's strange to them. They're used to seeing him act lively and wear that sharp-toothed grin he's always got. But it must mean that what he's saying is really important, right? He wouldn't look and sound like that if he wasn't being serious, right?

[pixelatedraindrops]

Baby Makoto AU Doodle Dump🐣

Hiya everyone! So, I’ve been busy working on some art of this new little concept of mine. It’s been in my head for a while. Ever since I found out Makoto is in fact canonically 3 years old. And then thinking of Number One being a doting single parent to his tiny homunculus clone whom he adopts to keep safe from further experimentation and raises as his own 🥺💕

I’ve seen other people (specifically on twitter) come up with this thought as well. Makoto as a 3 year old child with Yuma as his parent. Honestly other than drawing my favorite characters being sick, drawing them as little kids also brings about a nostalgic comfort to me. Not nearly as much joy as drawing sickies brings me, but it was fun to draw the all powerful CEO as a little toddler curious about the world. He's just a little baby <3

Now I am actually a bit shy and insecure about this idea. Mainly due to people possibly confusing it with infantilization and/or age regression. This is neither of those things. It’s an AU where he just happens to be a toddler. If anything I picture little Makoto to be similar to Anya from Spy x Family. (and the fact they both share a Japanese VA makes this connection even cuter, and he's only one year younger than her x3)

Anyway, I hope you all will indulge in me as I share the art I’ve done of this tiny little homunculus. I probably won’t talk about this au or draw it often due to feeling shy about it, so I just made a full on thread of the doodles if you want to see. I keep them under a read more to prevent spam (and I know not everyone is a fan of this concept)

But if you look, I hope you enjoy!

A little reference of sorts I made of my toddler Makoto design. (though he wears different clothing in every art I do of him lol this just connects his normal purple flowery attire) He is exactly 2 feet shorter than his usual height making him pretty small for a toddler. (but yuma is pretty short too lol and I want him to be able to carry him ;w;)

He has 2 special toys that connect to his other mask designs in the concept art. The teddy bear is his very special possession that Yuma gave him as a present, and the puppet teruteru-bozu is something he made together with Yuma when crafting on a rainy day. (he is so talented preparing him for the future when he actually develops products for the company he will run) The melon ball is based on his favorite fruit, and he has socks and a fuzzy blanket with the pattern of his mask.

In this AU, Yuma retains his Number One persona. He’s not meek apologetic and unsure, he has the confidence of the ultimate detective. But is he confident as a parent? Not in the slightest. But taking care of Makoto teaches him more about being kind and empathetic towards others, and eventually over time he becomes super protective and even at times doting towards Makoto.

Making his personality a bit more bright and pleasant, much like the kind and gentle Yuma that we all know and love. Parenthood causes the serious detective to soften up a lot. And of course this causes Makoto to love and depend on Yuma in return and never want to cause him trouble. (So he puts on a tough act a lot ;w;) However, he almost never calls Yuma dad. He just calls him Yuma. Its very rare that he refers to Yuma as his dad but this is perfectly okay by Yuma. (But when Makoto does call him dad? Yuma feels such unexplainable emotional discord that he almost cries.)

Some more doodles :3

Such a silly little family. I love them so much <3

Why did I think of this AU? Because I want Makoto and pre-game Yuma to not be lonely, be happy together, and for Makoto to have a childhood. Honestly Makoto seems a bit childish and playful in canon too so...

I think I'd like him to have an actual childhood where he grows up comfortable and happy. And in the care of someone who loves him 💜

[quitealotofsodapop]

Variant of my Laima Touden idea, inspired by comments by @tsatsked and @oceanqueenmusical;

Dunmeshi spoilers obvs:

instead of having kids like in the prev idea - Laios/Laima simply never had (or can't have) kids during their rough early years. This leaves them with the conflicting desire of wanting children/becoming a parent, but relief at not becoming a parent at such a young age or with someone they didn't love.

The Winged Lion senses this complex desire, and is intrigued... As a off-shoot of a greater being, it's never understood the concept of parenthood and children. It might as well have budded off from the greater cosmic Demon like coral polyp.

So when a certain battle of appetites occurs; the Winged Lion offers Laios a deal. The demon won't take away the tallman's greatest desire - but in return Laios must become his new "blood host". Whatever the hell that means.

Laios accepts the deal. The Winged Lion's heart and soul is eaten whole by a man with a monster's appetite.

The Demon goes quiet.

Laios is left with biological remnants of his chimeric form. Namely feathers upon his collar much like Falin (they now joke that it's a familial trait), wolfish body hair, powerful claws and teeth, etc...

Also he's nauseous, can't stand certain smells and food, craves others like they're vital to his life force, has a constant ache below his stomach, and his ankles are swelling.

Turns out what the Winged Lion meant by "blood host" was "birth parent". XD

Chilchuck screams in horror as he recognises the symptoms of pregnancy upon Merini's new monarch long before they do.

[judasgot-it]

Dad! Jouno headcanons...

He just looks like a stressed as hell father here. Someone help him.

Before ->

To be totally honest, I don't think Jouno would ever plan to be a father. He would never plan to be one simply because he is completely aware of how horrible of a person he is

Why would he bring someone into the world who could be exactly like him? Or worse, he would end up being a horrible parent?

He would just avoid any topic about it.

So parenthood is 100% an accident. Also, this guy would probably try to convince his gf to get an abortion at some point, cause he probably thinks he would make a child that's just that horrible

I feel like the best chance of him becoming a parent would be him not knowing about it when he got arrested and was forced into being a hunting dog. Can't tell your gf to abort when you're in jail ig. Also now he is legally obligated to pay child support. GOTTEM!

Personal theory tho.

He probably wouldn't be jumping for joy at the thought of parenthood tbh. If anything, he is freaking out. I feel like he's in between denial and freaking out. Probably gave some weird rant about the government.

During pregnancy ->

If he's miraculously there (I think the last part is more plausible. This would be his #felonera) then he would be stressed as hell

Dude knows that it's inevitable (unless he throws her down the stairs. or smothers the baby. He probably thinks some weird shit it's Jouno sorry) so now he has to prepare for a very near future of being a father

He can't have sex for what might be the next few years. He has to learn how to take care of a baby. He's made Tecchou-like food combo's now. His life is hell.

Jouno I think would only be dramatic for a month and then get over it quickly -> he has two people relying on him now. Even past his kid being born, he will inevitably have to take care of his baby mom for a while after and will have to provide. Like a dad.

He probably loves the attention and the title it gives him. Probably starts owning it and is thinking 'yeah, actually, I'm going to be an awesome dad' because he gets brownie points for doing the bare minimum as a man

Dude would be kinda ridiculous and do lots of shit just so he can get praise. He's going to be a great dad, so yea, ofc he's going to buy weird useless shit no one would actually use. It's what good dad's do (he's not even pregnant and is suffering from baby brain I think)

Is probably terrified of touching his gf because he is more than aware that his child is in there and it unnerves him. Probably is super freakish about the most random shit, like drinking coffee or going up and down stairs since he can hear whats going on.

His normal level of anxiety goes through the roof during this time. I feel like they won't ever go back down again.

During the birth he would probably be supportive although I think the sounds and smells would be so horrific for him that he would vomit and be kicked out by nursing staff

I feel like the birth was so bad for him to hear (sensitive hearing would be terrible. and smell) that he would be crying as if he pushed a baby out of his hole

Raising that Child (early years) ->

The early years are the worst for him. He still is in a stage between "I want to be a good dad" and "I'm a horrible person I literally have fucking killed people. He doesn't know I have killed people and enjoyed it"

Would have this crisis with a literal baby btw. Probably has full on very serious conversations with his kid about morality when his kid still drinks from the tit

I don't think he'd enjoy being around his kid fully until he starts actually forming full thoughts. Obviously, he loves him, but he enjoys weird kid questions much more than a baby who shits himself

Eggs him on too, tries to make him think until his brain hurts. He thinks it's funny, making a seven-year-old wrap his head around the concept of global shipping and LLCs.

He wouldn't give his kid normal child entertainment. It's all educational and weird shit. Also is very picky about their toys, he's basically a beige mom but its about noises and smells. NEVER give his kid something like slime, he'll go insane.

I think he's 100% the 'bad cop' parent because he would have a lot of rules that a little kid wouldn't get. I feel like the other Hunting Dogs would get on his ass about it

I think Jouno probably worries a lot about giving his kid a good childhood since I doubt his was good - he was alive during the great war as a kid, he turned into a criminal, and he's an ability user. not the best circumstances.

100% has been forced to bring his kid to his job, but he doesn't actually introduce him to any of his actual duties. Torturing? He can't know about that.

Jouno lets his kid hang out with his colleagues -> probably Tachihara, who I think would play the best 'uncle' role out of all of them

Later years ->

Personally, I think Jouno would have a son, but I don't think its a curse. I think it would actually be a sort of blessing, because Jouno was probably a lot nicer of a person before whatever fucked up shit happened that made him the way he is now.

Mentioning this cause I think his son would probably be a direct reflection of who he could have been -> more happy and carefree, and less on the offensive about everything

So when his kid gets older, Jouno is probably some weird guy who tries to tell his kid everything he 'wished he knew at that age'

Probably got his son to have a sex talk from one of the hunting dogs doctors. it was a traumatic bonding experience for the both of them.

He definitely fake kidnapped his kid like 3 times in case something happened. Jouno is a super soldier, but his son is not. He needs to learn how to stab people.

Gave his son a gun/knife. Insists he brings it school, no he does not care if it's against the rules - he literally is the law. His son is also a target, so it is necessary in his eyes.

God please someone stop him he thinks someone is going to murder his son every second of every day

I'm pretty sure his son is some dweeb that Jouno is almost jealous of - like he never got the opportunity to be a dork who cries about homework. he was too busy killing people in his gang at that age

Jouno definitely drops the most insane dad lore. "I killed werewolves in Kenya once" while in the middle of a PTA meeting

Worst PTA mom btw. He WILL interrogate his sons teachers and pull up their records, he is the worst parent. He really shouldn't be allowed there actually

Is a lot nicer to his kid when his son is older.

He isn't his 'best friend' but he tries to do everything he can to be a good dad -> he lives everyday thinking that it'd be his last one with his family, so he tries not to leave with a bad impression

Jouno probably lies awake at night with the thought of what his last words could be to his family

The bitchy teen years would be the worst cause Jouno would probably have the best comebacks, so any sort of argument would be shot down immediately.

i dont think he lets arguments fly at dinner. If he's even there. He would be very busy, so I think his schedule would be erratic. Although I think his son would be the same and stay up at 3 am and get a lecture from him

The hunting dogs all try to teach his son about basic things like shooting and self-defense -> Teruko definitely shot at him once or twice so he knows how to avoid an assassination attempt.

Was actually really proud that his son graduated from school and is a relatively normal member of society. He never even killed someone, that's a high achievement!

[txttletale]

This is not meant as a gotcha- and it's totally fair if the answer is 'idk' because it's not your responsibility to be the sole person who figures out all the kinks in the proposed idea, but if you already have thoughts on it I'm curious: you've mentioned a communal child-autonomy focused style of raising kids rather than nuclear family with stringent abusive "parental rights" and my only concern with that is healthcare. Kids don't understand why they have to get shots that hurt which keep them safe from polio, but because their parents are legally allowed to drag them to doctor offices and MAKE them sit there and get these shots, we almost eradicated polio entirely up until ableist anti-vaxx moms messed it up for everyone. But I digress.

I'm all for eroding parents rights which are used mainly for abuse. But what about dentistry, vaccines, life-saving surgeries, etc? It sucks that these are done through coercion and force, but that's the only way most 5 year olds will let it get done because these concepts are too complicated and long-term for most children to comprehend. Do you have any thoughts on a balance for that problem while still respecting children's autonomy more? Something closer to faith in community, blind trust to let them fill in cavities? I don't know that I'd agree with letting a kid stubbornly waste away because they can't understand wide-spread infection, in the name of autonomy, even though once someone does understand the concept I'm strangely okay with being sad but letting someone refuse to take care of that aspect of their own health without any forceful measures. I guess it's the knowledge gap that really gets me. For death with dignity you gotta have informed consent, which means the person has to truly understand the medical advice and treatment they're refusing, and many kids simply cannot do that. It's a wrench in the cogs of my understanding your ideas. Thoughts?

obviously i am very harshly skeptical of rhetoric that children need their autonomy violated 'for their own good' but obviously there are situations where, for example, extremely young children cannot feed themselves or locomote and are physically incapable of autonomy -- but i think this is where a family abolitionist view is most useful, because it prevents you from defaulting to 'family' as the solution -- strip all the cultural baggage from the institution of parenthood and you realise that when faced with the problem "sometimes, children cannot physically excercise autonomy, or might be too young to recognise their exercise of autonomy is harming others (e.g. vaccines)", it is actually an insane and silly solution to say "every child should have 1-2 designated Autonomy Violators, assigned at birth and for life, with no qualifications, training, etc".

[tellmeallaboutit]

Does Judith love any of her children with Raphael? How does she truly feel about any of them and do you think she would be able to try and be a good mother?

(I really wonder if you are the same anon who asks me all these great questions about HWLL / knock knock. I mean, I appreciate someone taking such a genuine interest in my works just curious if you are the same person).

Now, to your question (I love it, btw!). Allow me a short preamble: I was once at a birthday party of my school friend when her father stood up and toasted: "My darling daughter, you were the one to give me the true joy of parenthood and showed me what meaning of being a father".

It was very endearing.

She was the fifth and the youngest kid.

Two others were also at the table. You could hear a pin drop in this room.

This is very much what inspired the story of Judith, Raphael and their five kids (see the post on them).

So, see, Samael, his whole conception story was not very fortunate (duh) and then he was sent to be raised by a different family. Judith would only get to know him when he would be about thirteen years old, and it's a bit too old to get a genuine connection.

The twins were conceived at a turbulent time where Judith and Raphael had to fight for their position of power in the hells, get out their debts to Mammon, manage the legions loyalties between Cania and Avernus. Judith didn't have much time for them, so yeah, there is that.

Now, first daughter, Morana, she was born after Raphael and Judith got separated for quite a bit, and Judith is still not sure who exactly the father is, he or Valefar. Baalphegor got her claws immediately in the girl, thinking of her as her one grandchild, while Raphael and Judith were working through their issues.

And then... you guessed it...

Fifth child. It's time. Judith is thirty now, it's time to actually give it a try. Incarna is an adorable blonde devil baby girl. Now it's time to do contact sleeping, breastfeeding, braiding, now it's time to atone for your mistakes and be a better mother than Celeste was (this bar is buried underground). Judith would give her everything to Incarna, which is easy, because Incarna is perfection. Beautiful, smart, charming, talented, a musician, a sorceress, now that's a child you could really love (nothing wrong with Incarna at al... yeah... nothing at all...).

If you ask Judith, she loves all her children equally. But you, know, just in different ways.

If you ask Raphael, Incarna is the one with which he understood the joy of being a father.

[sshassh-sshout-you]

"Creation" Chapter 5. If time had been kind

A/N: I realy really really apologize for making you wait for two days... Publication of the chapter was complicated by a boil in my eye. Right now, there is still no use in treating it. Yeah, I'm becoming a regular patient at the local hospital, what a hell... But I couldn't keep putting it off. I hope I was able to live up to expectations and pleasantly surprise

Word count: 5,4K

Warnings: indirect insults, blood, brief references to murder, oppression of women and children, themes of slavery and parenthood, post-traumatic memories, perverted religious motives, killing of an animal, fear of men, beating, attempted rape, veiled intimate prejudices, implied xenophilia (forcing the events seemed to me simply a necessary tool after so much forced narration — the rope is tied in an unexpected knot! And then — more. But gradually ...)

🎧 Joel Sunny — Luminary

Bustle and hubbub fill the Eagle Clan so suddenly, that you don't even have time to blink. For the last week, certainly, you've noticed preparations for some unknown holiday — but now that summer has come into its own, everything and everyone has become a jumbled mess.

Everyone seemed to become a single, coherent mechanism.

And you seemed to became like an unnecessary, defective detail.

Because, no matter how much Suna, or Kantis and her husband Ogun in two voices, or omnipresent Anaya, tried to explain you what the essence of the holiday was — to you didn't become clearer. It seemed that the very concept of the celebration needed to be explained to you anew. With patience and deliberation. After all, those celebrations that were imprinted in your memory — obscurantist and didn't bring any joy to anyone, except those, who reveled in the annual harvest of cruelty.

***

The vines, woven into intricate garlands, exude an unfamiliar sweetish aroma. Children rush about, hanging them everywhere. Lum, Lup and Elan, with six small nimble hands, help you decorate your home with vines, which is gradually acquiring a lived-in appearance.

Every now and then the kids ask you, vying with each other, about the things in backpack. About things from your blurry past, next to things from your equally blurry present. When you're done with the decorations, you tell them about the purpose of each thing. About the almost unfaded photographs and the events captured on them. About the spools of thread and rusty needles. About the calligraphic inscriptions on the worn-out pages of a prayer book. About the tiny mirror, that only fate hasn't broken. About the broken comb. About the slightly chipped camera, waiting for new pictures. About the grumpy patches on the clothes and the backpack itself.

About everything, that consisted of, and still consist to that day, your best memories.

It's unusual to be in the narrator's place.

Kids listen to you, cuddling the rabbit that has recently stopped being afraid of hands. Now not the rabbit without a name — but the rabbit, that you named Daisy.

For some reason the name seemed to suit brown fur.

You're sitting on the floor, right in front of the spacious cage Noa has built, your hand through the bars. You're stroking the rabbit's sides, still skinny — and at the same time, you're ruffling the kids' hair... When suddenly someone places on you a fragrant, elegant wreath.

“Now you look like... a princess!” remaining standing behind you, Kaidy claps her hands.

"Natural princess!.. It's good that here are no evil dragons!" Paco laughs, flying like a whirlwind into the hut with a lot of tangled vines and curved branches, tied with intricate, hand-woven ribbons.

"Indeed, exactly the same as" You pick up the childish delightful exclamations, adjusting the thin droping branches. "And a young knight would definitely protect me from the dragons, right?"

And, taking the decor, you wink at Paco. He immediately nods, proudly — and Kaidy, not missing the opportunity, playfully pokes him in the nose. Boy gives in to her, allowing girlish mischief to prevail. Now they are already running from corner to corner, running outside. Somersaulting in the june grass. Threaten each other with tickling. Sincere, sparkling laughter fills your house and the emerald-lit lawn nearby, making you forget about the sad memories that had already flooded in. Having called the breathless mischiefs over and seated them, you ask about the ribbons. They are directly connected with the approaching holiday.

It's your turn to hear stories about the purpose of things. And you can't hold back curiosity.

With children this is not necessary at all. And it encourages you.

The explanation, that children use — understandable intuitively, although it's blocked by an insurmountable cultural barrier.

Looking back at the recent past, you had already forgotten, that gratitude could be dedicated to an entire day in the season and on the calendar.

"This is a holiday of gratitude... for everything... Whatever you decide to thank";

"Elders thank nature... for the sent gifts... For a good catch of fish or for the quick sprouting of shoots";

"For a winter without winds... and for a summer without drought";

"We thank our mothers and fathers... Brothers and sisters... Grandmothers and grandfathers... Whole family... For that we have them. For that we are... together";

"For that we able to quickly learn something... or grow up";

"Also, those... who are older, thank... their wives and husbands...";

Answers came out, as in cornucopia. Everyone, who could be considered an adult, gave much more succinct answers — like, you yourself should understand what to what.

But how should you understand without explanations, if this holiday, with its laudatory ceremonies, is too different from the holidays, that celebrated in the settlement?

There, the derogatory, disregardful traditions became an integral part of a colorless life long before you — and more others, like you — were born. There the scum, calling themselves men, amused themselves with bloodshed and misogyny.

Do apes, living on land unspoiled by other faiths, know what meaning "misogyny"?..

If you yourself know this term only from books about the vague science, that studies the human brain.

You can't just go and spill out, like from a leaky sack, those customs, that there called "ceremonial".

No, of course, there was no female circumcision or anything worse. The physical harm was constant, and don't need to be set aside for a separate day. Instead, at the beginning of the festival, women, girls and young women, who were already someone's property, were given shameful collars. And, driven like cattle into rooms, they were locked with all the locks until the end of the festival. On the second day, all the girls, who these boors call ownerless, were brought out to the main platform. And they moved on to the sacrifice. One of the horses — one of those, that remained tied up at the top, — was tied up, eyes were gouged out, ears were cut off, hung up, and then ripped open so, that the blood oozed out and collected in a huge jug. Or did you, looking around furtively like a mouse studying the corridors and tunnels, assume, that there horses were, because the neighing, snorting and clattering of hooves often came from above. But if the horses for this numbing ritual were obtained from other, neighboring settlements...

You felt sick every damn year, because couldn't not show up to this flayer spectacle. Just as couldn't turn away.

Those who turned away were ripped open in the same way, as sacrificial horses.

When the jug was full — contents were given to those girls, who's came of adult in that year. Those girls, who were obliged to go into use of men and begin to fulfill a debt that no one needed. Slave labor and carrying future slaves in the womb.

On the third day, the girls were prepared for the first night. They were fed the meat of a killed horse, soaked in something unbearably stinking. On the fourth day, the girls were taken behind iron doors, which from behind could be heard maddening screams, blows and crying. On the fifth day, the girls came back out, already women and already broken. Beaten until their internal organs bleeding and having lost the will to live. Sixth and seventh days passed like a bad dream, with a din of blasphemous prayers and dancing of cackling scums with limp rag dolls. That's all... Apart from this holiday, which lasted a week, all the others were celebrated casually.

No Birthdays, no Christmas, all other holidays were forbidden.

Except for this devilry. By misunderstanding called God's Feast.

You won't be able to talk about feasts and games, which they have entertain with there, under the meters of earth and rust. If you dare to talk about it, you will be considered as perverted, as those who came up with it. Otherwise, why would you talk about something vile, unnatural?..

It's like a dome of soul-sucking memories hangs over your head. You're transported back there, to the main platform, a year ago. You're seventeen and you're frantically looking for something to look at — to not look at the endless streams of blood from horse's belly.

Then they threatened to rip out your guts and feed them to those, who wouldn't turn away. Now you're eighteen, and you're not going through the circles of Hell.

And you don't know, who to thank for this.

Five little chatterboxes shake you by the shoulders, finally bringing back to reality.

"So what would you thank for?.. And what?.. Or who?"

They are curious without any underlying reason. Like all children their age. But you don't answer them right away, pretending to be much carefree — so as not to frighten them with your dejected look. If answer with all honesty, then you're grateful to God for sending Noa on the path, that you were walking without hope of salvation. You're grateful to Dar and Elders. You're grateful to every mother in the clan, because they all trusted you with their children. You're grateful to every child in the clan, because not one of them was afraid of you, an stranger.

But above all, you are grateful to Noa. Even though you don’t know how to express this gratitude. Even though the circumstances are favorable now, for Noa you're none of the things the children have listed. So if you say, what you said in the middle of the frozen plain a few weeks ago again, in front of so many eyes and ears, it will be taken the wrong way. Or not seriously. One is no better than the other, however. Touch the cross hanging around your neck, you ask yourself a very strange question.

How can it be that you grateful to God and Noa almost equally?..

"I would like to start by thanking you. For being my assistants in everything" After a short pause, you saying, smiling broadly for the first time in the past few months.

"Because with you... it's always interesting!" the cubs smile back. "Even doing boring things!.. And else?"

"There are still many things and many people. I would like to thank my family. But, unfortunately, I can only thank the memory of my family..."

Why? With your family happen something... bad? Kaidy gasps. The smiles instantly slip off the children's faces, when you find the strength to only nod.

Mischief on children's faces gives way to compassion.

Just at that moment Noa's voice is heard from outside the door.

Without the fears, as it was before, you allow him to enter and ask, why he has come.

"Just wanted to... help with decorate the house... And with nest" Noa looks from under brows at the wreath that hugs your hair. Noa looks at you for a long. Not at all, like he usually does. "You're like a queen in this... crown"

"Oh, right!.. But this a princess's crown. Queen can't rule without a king" looking away and laughing carefree, you clarify. "Maybe you'll sit down?"

Hanging an awkward silence. Is this a coincidence, nothing much more?..

You don't know, how to hide your commotion. Is Noa really serious? You thought, all this talk about the ritual of raising a companion — was nothing more than just covering up the gaps in your knowledge. It turns out, that this apes ritual concerns you, a human, directly.

In Noa's hands is a pile of branches, vines and... fluff? Nests in the bird pen, where the tiny chicks, just hatched from their shells, are kept warm and well-fed, are lined with exactly the same material. You heard, that everyone in the clan, upon reaching adulthood, undergoes initiation by proving responsibility for their own bird. Does this mean, that you are allowed to stay not out of pity, but as an equal?.. But then first you need to find the egg yourself and watch over it tirelessly. You weren't rushed with this ritual — and now Noa has literally provided you with all the necessary supplies. All that remains is to build a nest, as Soona and the other females taught you. Perhaps, being here, this is the only thing, that you have learned to do correctly...

And, probably, after that you will have go to the eagle's nesting place on the rocks?

In an awkward silence, Noa lays out everything he brought a short distance from your bed. Then he sits down, an arm's length away — so as not to trigger the anxiety, that's still gripping you by the scruff of the neck — and scratches Daisy behind the ear.

Meanwhile five pairs of children's eyes are looking at you fixedly, waiting for the continuation of the untold story.

"With my parents happen something very bad. And someday, later, I will definitely tell you about it..." but you're looking not at the children. It is too early for them to hear such monstrous details about the far world.

You looking at Noa. Was not was. Maybe, that's a good way to hint at how important to you were his actions?

After all, what else, expect honesty, can you thank him? He deserves to know that about you.

And you're almost ready to share it with him.

And he imperceptibly nods to you.

"But now I don't want ya'll to be sad. So I'd better tell you who else I would thank..." you take a deep breath of morning air, to satisfy returned for children curiosity. "I would thank Nature and the Lord. For being able to be here. To look at the sun, the moon and the stars. I would thank the Elders. For sharing their wisdom with ya'll and being indulgent towards me, who doesn't know, how to do anything that is customary here.

"Not true!" Paco exclaims, and the others immediately echoing him. "You already know everything, that should know... a real ape! You plane... spears and beams on par with Master of Birds!.. And mess around... with the little ones no worse than their mothers"

Immediate praise makes Noa smile at the corners of his lips and move a little closer to you, chuckling.

"By the way of the little ones. I have to go to them, while their mothers are busy. And ya'll, I have no doubt, will turn this hut into real royal chambers by the time I return" you feel your heart warm from what you've noticed. And you laugh quietly, when you see the enthusiasm of the five assistants.

Ask Noa to stay with them — while you, according to your recently habitual routine, go to look after the babies of the mothers-gatherer.

Mothers will return only in the evening, bringing berries, roots, and medicinal herbs. So during the daytime hours you — a full-fledged nanny.

And this new status, this necessity is flattering even after fusion with responsibilities.

***

Soared into the twilight sky sparks fascinate you. Official, if it may say so, part of the celebration came to an end — all the gratitude was carefully absorbed by the crimson evening. As for you, you plucked up the courage to say thank not only to the sky and the earth, but also to name all the names. Elders, impressed, remained on the logs that resembled perches. Noa, — Master of Birds, confused by your sincerity, — having listened to you, answered the same way, as he answered all the others who spoke, if don't count smile from ear to ear. True, he immediately left the field back towards the huts. And promised to return later.

Your knees were shaking, when you spoke. But, even those who hadn't had the best opinion of you before highly appreciated this step. Isn't this a success, albeit a minor one?

It gives you confidence — but not so much, that you join in the general, strange to you, fun. You look at dancing crowd through dancing fire. Movements to the accompaniment of huge drums are so outlandish, chaotic. But not grinning. As in, it would seem, human society. Dance is like fooling. Although very frivolous, but fooling. Without any vulgar subtext. Well, unless this context was desired by the dancing couples.

Yes, only couples danced. Married, heading towards marriage.

Or friendly teasing. Like Soona and Anaya, for example.

So you, sitting on a fallen log, enjoyed strung on a peeled twig mangoes, leaving the dancers aside.

Was unnecessary to put on a parade dress, only to feel uncomfortable in it now. It wasn't that much parade. Gray, washed out. Wreath still adorned you — and it was the only thing, that calmed you down in the motley mess. It was fun to watch. But you didn't want to take part in this mess. What, if you did something wrong?

"Why are you sitting here... alone?" Kantis sits down next to you. Must be, she upset, that you're not with the others.

"The scar on my leg still hurts" you lie with all your might. But don't keep quiet about the real reason. "Besides, I've never danced in my life. My clumsiness could ruin everything."

"Is that... such a problem? Let me... help you find... a cavalier, who won't be afraid of your clumsiness?" she giggles, putting her arm around your shoulder in a family-like manner. But then she falls silent. "...Or is it you're afraid of something..? Right..?"

“Yes,” squinting from the smoke from the fire, you sigh. “Not here, in the clan. Place, where I grew up, was different. In a bad way. That’s what I’m afraid of"

Smoke spreads in the gusts of wind, and you wrap yourself in the sky-blue fabric over your dress, so that you feel like a caterpillar. It takes Kantis less than a second, to hug you tighter, realizing your words. She says nothing. She rocks you from side to side, like a frightened child. She says nothing, because she understands, what you mean. That's why you're was silent as a fish.

Waving his hands and laughing, Ogun beckons Kantis — she can’t sit like this for the rest of the evening, saddened along with you — back.

And you move away from the dancers. Maybe, this will be better?

It seemed, like you were alone not in a firelit field, but in the entire forest. But that was okay. A little uneasy. But okay.

It didn't feel, like loneliness.

And would be better if it were loneliness.

Anything would be better, than appearing out of nowhere Jeru. You realized right away, he was the same as the bastards from the settlement, when he opened his filthy mouth and was supported by the embittered jackal and mutt. Over the months of living in the clan, you always managed to fight off his advances. More precisely, there were always those nearby, who could fight him off. Now you only hoped for the favor of fate, so that this bastard would stop bothering.

"I think... if we have fun with you... properly..." drawn-out, mocking phrase makes your soul run to your heels. "No one will notice... the loss"

"Go away. Right now. Or I'll call everyone, to see, how you're enjoying yourself" there's not an ounce of firmness in your voice, but there's plenty of determination.

"Are you sure, that... you... at least someone will hear? Because you're... so far from the others"

You look around in all directions. To make sure that situation is hopeless. Now Jeru is with one of his henchmen, nameless and brainless. They are accompanied by the same intention, with which lustful male hands climbed under your skirt. They reek of the same intention to have fun. One thought is spinning in your head: "Not for anything show fear!" Jeru waddles up to you. Looks you up and down. Calls you muck again. Tears the fabric off you with one greedy jerk. First he reaches for the buttons on your dress. Then he spits somewhere under your feet, shod in worn-out shoes. Four fur slimy hands grab your elbows, dragging you deeper into the thicket.

Wreath of delicate flowers falls, getting lost in the grass.

As you trying break free, you scream. Heart-wrenchingly, to the point of squealing, to the point of wheezing. Loud to the point of madness. Grip becomes crackingly strong. Slap, that Jeru gives you, blazes.

Falling, for a few moments you grow into the ground. You faint from the washed over you icy rain of horror. You decide, which blow would best suit his vile mug.

You clench your fists until dark spots appear before your eyes, waiting for the right moment — you hit furiously, not knowing, what you're doing. Hit the bastard, wherever you can end up. Continue to scream, hitting the second one. Your rage to them, is like a club to an elephant. Grunting like a pig, Jeru leans on you with his heavy body, squeezes your boobs... And one by one, tears off the buttons of your dress.

While the nameless jackal, having dropped down, raging tries to pull off your underwear.

Fire's glow is invisible behind the trees, bushes and moss. Sparks don't fly off. Smoke don't curl.

Tears roll down your cheeks involuntarily. Miserable, ugly tears.

Everything repeats itself.

Bring your legs.

You're kicking.

With his hands around your throat, ripping your dress to shreds and clawing your boobs with a ravenous greed, Jeru grabs your thighs. Everything blurs and darkens, just like that night. Even worse. It's your own fault, for being separated from the celebration. You were out of place there. But there was safe.

In the grass flashes barrel of a pistol. It wouldn't take any effort to reach it, if you won't suffocate.

Knock the jackal off yourself, bite the bloated bastard on the strangling hand — and, crawling away, reach for the pistol. Taking aim, pull the trigger...

Nothing happens. You miss, twice — the bullets grazing the ear of one and the chin of the other, whistling off into the night.

No more bullets. Damn it!.. Shaking themselves off, they pounce on you again. The gun flies off, you can't reach it again. They dig their four hands into your knees. With terrible force. Until crunch. Your kneecaps are probably broken. Only now you feel, how cold in your skin, because there is almost nothing left of your dress. You can't move from the paralyzing pain, but you continue to fight back. So that they, having changed places, don't dare to reach the same place, where tried to reach those insignificant scum. You resist, but the resistance is cut short by a beating, from which your jaws tremble. You bite through your tongue and cheeks. You choke on your own spit and blood. And you continue to scream in despair, as your bones continue to break under the brute force of Jeru and his lackey. Fangs snap in front of your face. You squeeze your eyes shut. Already preparing to accept the fate, that awaited you...

Until out of the blur of night blue looms approaching Noa's shadow. His strides are wide and uncharacteristically fast. Too fast. Noa breaks you free of his predatory grip and swings at Jeru, backhanding the nameless shakal, that has sunk teeth into your thigh. He rains down more blows on them, until they are spitting blood on their knees. Then Noa says something, that you can’t understand — in your temples pounding your own heart. You spit into the scarlet-stained grass. You feel sick to your stomach, the contents of your stomach spilling out in a liquid mess. You can hardly even hold your head up, because you want to lie down and bury yourself alive. You press your hand to the frighful wound on your thigh, but it doesn't help. Noa hits Jeru again, when he tries to continue the fight that just ended. Noa growls at him in isn't his own voice. He utters only one word: "Away." The bastards, indistinguishable from other bastards, evaporate into thin air.

You can hardly see anything through hair, which hangs down like nasty wet straw.

Not hovering, but sitting down opposite you, Noa stretches out his palms to you — stained with blood and rotten earth, again saving. You reflexively put forward one disobedient palm, with the other trying in vain to cover your nakedness — shameful, unforeseen, and almost absolute. Noa offers you to put on the bright blue scrap of fabric, that covered his shoulders during the holiday and that he threw off in anger. Half-dead from beatings and shock, you are unable to do this. The dress hangs on your waist in uneven stripes.

“Can I..?” with this unfinished question, Noa himself wraps you in the robe that just belonged to him.

"You can watch... What now a difference..." you smile without any emotion. It's unbearably painful to extract sounds from yourself. With incredible persistence, Noa avoids looking at your scratched nipples, visible under the fabric.

"If... I do this... I'll be no better than them" in Noa's words are clear both, desire and regret. He again intertwines his fingers with yours. And looks exclusively into your eyes. "But I don't want to be... like them... in your eyes. I want to... you look at me... differently. I shouldn't have... left. Everything... should have been... not that"

Your heart skips a few beats, dropping and pricking like a pin. Just a few steps away from the two of you in the flattened, low grass sparkles a handmade bracelet.

Beads on it are transparent-blue. Cut from precious stones.

This can't be, no-no-no...

These bracelets signify a proposal to become a couple.

This bracelet is thin. Braided to size of your wrist.

All you able to think about — is the overwhelming realization, that you aren’t safe here either. Yes, with Noa to you nothing straitening. Yes, under his robe you’re covered from your neck to your broken knees. But the fabric is immediately soaked with your blood, clinging to your body as you failed try to rise. You can’t stand, let alone walk. A portion of bloody vomit accumulates in your mouth. You shudder. Shrink. Road to the hut is short, but winding. And Noa has just confessed to you it something, that you could hardly even imagine. In that case, how long will Noa, whom you have only recently begun to trust, be able to maintain control? How long will he do impossible, being with you, in this state, so close?..

"No one will hurt you... again. Never. Y/N, I promise you" Noa carefully helps you up. Still trying not to look at you. Although in vain, but causing you to feel a surge of endless respect. "Let's go..?"

“Let’s go...” you can only sob and sound like a bloodless echo, allowing Noa to cover you with wide, warm palms. “I'm so much want to go home...”

Noa could have long ago undress, lay and dishonored you.

Noa could have gnaw off your virginity, and leave you in total darkness.

But Noa holds you so gently. Gently!.. Damn... Tears are eating away at your eyes, and you tossing in Noa's arms, to wipe them away. The fabric bunches up, sticks, revealing the curves and hollows of your collarbones.

You no longer mind, how many inches of your body are exposed to his excited gaze.

For some reason, for some unknown reason, he is not like all the men, who you have met before. He doesn't harass, but almost begs. He expresses sympathy, crush, which you only knew about from fairytales.

For some reason, even more mysterious, inexplicable reason, even if you had the strength to defend yourself, you wouldn't. He doesn't give you that spine-crawling anxiety, that you're used to.

If time had been kind to the two of you, Noa could have become your closest friend. You've called him friend out loud more than once in the past month.

But to become a couple...

What does Noa know about you? Does he know, why you were so hostile? Does he know, that you were subjected to attempted rape more, than twice? Does he know, that you can't always tell the difference between the stretched from the past nightmare images and the real events? Does he know, that you thought of him as a dirty animal, even while acknowledging his nobility? Does he know, that you were seriously prepared to kill him in the middle of a fragrant plain? Does he know, that your hatred of the man kind has only begun to dull thanks to... he himself?

Barefoot walking on rocks and branches is unbearable. You barely move your feet, hoping to see your lost shoes.

Stumble, you grab onto Noa as tightly, as you had, when you staggered in the saddle. Just like yours first met...

His cleared long glances still don't added up into the puzzle...

When and why did he think of you in that watercourse?..

Is even possible that union?..

"Wait..." the seconds seem like years, when you, almost falling, pick up glittering in the light of the scattering stars bracelet. You would have fallen, if Noa hadn’t held you on.

"So that... none of them... ever try to..." Noa pauses, but doesn't let go of you. His gaze is focused on the bracelet in your weakened palm. "You... can... become not my mate, but... my... woman?" he speaks so quietly and so decisively, that you are almost afraid, having misinterpreted his words. "I will not touch you... Will just... live under the same roof. I will always... protect you. I swear"

Everything happens fast. Too fast. You don't know, what to answer to the asked question.

You have never before talked so much.

This is unusual.

Harassment will continue anywhere.

Because women have become valuable commodity, important trinket, everywhere. Wherever you go. Besides, you have nowhere else to go. And you scarcely get far. A worthless cripple. That's who you are now.

Of all the things, you've had the misfortune to endure, Noa — isn't the least of your evils. Noa — is a blessing. And you don't want to hurt him by refusal. Even if agreement will lead you to an unpredictable future.

Noa looks, like ashamed of his own suggestion.

Noa looks, like he stabbed by a dagger.

"Can we... pretend? No one will dare look at you like a... thing. We can live not as... husband and wife, but... as allies..." you feel so sick, that the treetops curl into spirals. Sensing something is wrong, Noa holds you tighter.

"We can pretend, that concluding marriage. But we know, it won't be a marriage..." It feels so awkward to talk about, so that you sit back down on the ground. Halfway to your home. "I don't know, what prompted in you that thoughts, Noa. I don't know, how I can be useful to you."

“It’s... I want to be useful to you, Y/N” determination comes from Noa. He breathes on the top of your head, adjusting your hair. Your world turns upside down. “For you to stand behind my back, Y/N... I want to be... your man"

"If you become my man, what will be the condemnation of your own congeners?.. You deserve another union. Truly. We're different..." bowing your head, you sigh deeply and hopelessly. Laugh. Tremble. You look at Noa for a long. Completely different, from usual. "If we return to the clan with this intention, we will condemn each other to eternal loneliness..." what is happening seems unreal. You give him all your secret thoughts. And your wrist. "But if you intend to help me, I will help you as much, as possible. You are the only one, who I trust completely. I owe you my life. Therefore, I entrust my life to you. Whatever the consequences"

"Shall we ask the children... to weave a new crown?" turning it into humor, Noa actually giving you time to change your mind.

"As soon as king takes queen back to chambers" you answer this question with consent too, smiling. And without changing your mind.

Putting aside doubts, you present to Noa your claw scarred wrist.

Putting aside doubts, Noa places the bracelet on your wrist unacceptably carefully.

***

It's impossible to challenge taken decision.

It's too late to retreat.

All that was left of fire is a handful of ashes. All that was left of dancing crowd is a handful of those, who were not tired yet remained — and looked at Noa, who was leading you not into your, uninhabited, hut, but into his own, the leader's hut, not with suspicion, but with acceptance. Someone called the healers.

Ground tilts, heaves. Unaware of yourself from the pain, you press yourself into the wool on Noa's strong shoulders. You, falling, fading, are caught by reliable hands. Everything plunges into darkness, emptiness, oblivion.

[illmasc]

in regards to the fear and fetishes thing, yeah absolutely I think they can be connected. I have, like, a little saying that's like "revulsion plus curiosity and time equals attraction."

I also personally have a irl fear of getting pregnant but a huge breeding kink. relatively recently I actually had a lil revelation about it, cuz my personal kink has less to do with having a kid, being a parent, etc., it has more to do with submission and not being in control of my body. like especially when it includes other, admittedly somewhat fantastical, elements like getting knocked up the moment they cum in me, feeling it take root in me, or the number growing inside of me being determined by how many loads they shoot into me. like, idk if this makes sense, but I realized I almost think of it more as like a very sexy virus or parasite or other kind of corrupting influence that also just comes with the bonus of leaving a living, growing, moving thing inside of my womb

ANON COME OFF OF ANON I WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND. you get it. i don’t talk about my preg kink much bc breeding concepts alone are just frankly hotter to more people but i think for me it’s also that i really fear not having control like you said! i’m someone who struggles with control/independence issues like if i feel like my personal independence and/or autonomy is at risk i immediately go into crisis mode. i’m trying to work on that part of myself but it can be hard. especially when. i live in the US. and have a uterus 🙃

i feel like kink is a safe space for me to engage with those anxieties head-on. at this point in my life it is genuinely my worst nightmare to be raped and get pregnant and have to keep it, but i can mess with that scenario in a setting where it’s not real and i think maybe that’s what’s so appealing to me? (i also agree that the kink is not about parenthood for me)

tldr: sexy virus/parasite and loss of control (with a little sprinkle of probably transgender-related body horror elements for me personally idk about you)…you hit the nail right on the head

[roystory4]

PLEASEEE do talk extensively about tua's relationship with mira i'm so curious... i ❤️ complicated relationships with parenthood

augh thank you for asking!!

firstly i think it's important to remember the context for fallout's setting... it's fifty years in the future, yet culturally locked in the 1960s, which means tua is grappling with a lot of expectations for someone who is middle-aged and perceived as female, like the idea that she needs to get married and leave their job to have kids.

tua meanwhile has no goals to get married or have a family. but it IS important to note that this is somewhat a response to a lifetime of feeling ostracized for how she presents. they don't have any family, and being of mixed background means she has been made to feel untethered/unwanted. growing up aware of these things, there never seemed to be room for someone like them in that picture of the american dream, so tua never really learned to want it.

(sidebar but... they supplement whatever loneliness comes of that with her job, which obviously leads to a really unhealthy relationship with her concept of worth. but i digress)

there's also another layer in the fact that tua's mother left her and her father at a very young age, taking infant miriam with her to the west coast. as a child tua came away with the belief that they had done something wrong, that they were too difficult/complicated and their mother couldn't handle her, when in reality their mom was a young mom and didn't know what to do while being so far away from her extended family in mexico. so tua's relationship with motherhood is that, well, they don't want to be a mom because they'd mess it up and be imperfect and couldn't handle it. etc.

(in fact the whole point of the penultimate chapter of act i is that tua learning to love herself is fully realized by coming back to mira and loving her. spoilers lol)

something i especially hope people keep in mind with tua being of mixed background is that she inherently has a different relationship w the concept of gender identity, with concepts of femininity and masculinity, and before the war there is definitely this concept of motherhood that tua absolutely cannot relate to and despises and as consequence despises the expectation that she have children. THEN because tua was so out of touch w their own body from decades of dysphoria they also just did not realize the signs until miriam made them go to the doctor. the fact tua's detachment from her own body means she didn't know she was pregnant until like 3-4 months in is kind of Part Of The Whole Thing!!!!!!

after the war, when tua is allowed to dress the way they want to, present the way she wants to, and there are no expectations for them to live a certain life, she ends up more willing to take on the responsibility of raising mira. a couple years in they do not feel that level of vitriol, BUT they're definitely not interested in having more kids to be clear.

(which ok other sidebar: i will also say doing the research into writing act i helped my dysphoria out a lot too, so it became important to me to present pregnancy/childbirth from a gender neutral perspective and to avoid using any of the weird motherhood = womanhood themes you see a lot. i think by the end of writing act i i had fixed a few of my own personal biases and i find that was invaluable!!)

all in all i really tried to make tua's relationship w/ being pregnant and raising a child as nuanced as possible without falling into the usual tropes around the topic... ultimately tua sees mira as her sister's baby, and sees themself as mira's guardian and not necessarily her parent. because of this, while tua does make an effort to provide for/support mira as she grows up, tua is also just very emotionally distant and standoffish by nature. i wanted tua to feel more like an awkward uncle who is making an attempt to be parental but does not have any natural instincts for it. in the end, mira grows up far closer to nick than to tua - while at the same time ending up exactly like her... always distant, always moving, and always self-isolating.

there might be more to it than that.... but basically it IS complicated and i put a lot of work into avoiding making it seem like everything "clicks" for tua once they have mira when in reality she was so manic they walked across the glowing sea and fought a horde of feral ghouls barehanded. normal new mom things lol

[crowleycorvid]

I hope the more we learn about the source dragons the more they suck. Like morally

But I mean in the same way FSM sucks. I really really really like it when godlike beings are so detached from the reality they created that they're not INTENTIONALLY doing anything bad or harmful, but they simply don't conceptualize right and wrong the same way mortals do

Like. FSM did not talk much to his kids for literal years after the scroll of forbidden spinjitzu incident. That is a canon thing that happened because he's p much god! He's a shitty parent because he has no point of reference! The concept of parenthood is like not a thing for him in the same way, honestly would not be surprised if his main intention for having Wu and Garm was to have someone protect his realm when he died. That's really bad in hindsight! But he was born and there was immediately a war fought for his favor he does not know anything else because he is not mortal!!

Idk that level of detachment when it comes to godlike beings especially those who are meant to represent the concept of "goodness" and creation and all that is far more interesting to me than when they are objectively good and do only good things

[dwellsinthebog]

Also not necessarily a question sorry, but speaking of ur art I want you to know I often think about your art of kyo and akaza post canon with other characters’ kids and it makes me so insane in the best way I have so many thoughts on akaza esp interacting with kids and I just really love that art and if u have any more thoughts on that I’d love to hear them :3

YESSSS i love post-canon renkaza with children!! i think they'd be the Uncles Of All Time <3

Something I haven't really gotten a chance to explore in any of my fics yet is how Renkaza feel about children, having children, building a family, and whatnot, but before all that here's the part where I do the obligatory:

YES, I don't think children are necessary to build a family, and YES, I don't think people need to have children to find fulfillment in life, and YES, people choosing not to have children does not devalue their relationships even though society has conditioned us to think of successful relationships as culminating in the contribution of children

All that being said, I personally think both Kyojuro and Akaza might in some way like the concept of having children without any actual intent to fulfill that desire.

I think for Kyojuro it would be more so a matter of expectation bleeding into personal aspiration. He grew up expecting to have children someday, probably sooner in life than other people his age, simply because it's kind of his duty to do so as the first son of his household. I don't think he necessarily feels all that burdened by this expectation because he's Kyojuro, and all his life he's shouldered the burden of his legacy with no problem, because he must. The fact that he's gay (the way I write him the vast majority of the time) doesn't really factor into the equation because he's committed to getting married to a woman anyway and either a) keeping his sexuality to himself or b) doing a lavender marriage type thing.

I do think the idea of being a father would bring him trepidation---and note the key distinction I make here between him having children and being a father.

Kyojuro's great with children! He loves them! He really looks forward to seeing his friends' kids, and he definitely feels a pang of heartache when he has to leave them! But also, being a father? Fucking terrifies him. He is so painfully aware of all the different ways he can permanently fuck up a child because he was that permanently fucked up child, and the fear of becoming a father like his own father, however irrational, haunts him.

So yeah, I think Kyojuro has a complicated relationship with fatherhood. I also think that in a Renkaza situation, he would almost be relieved to have like...an excuse to not have kids? If his partner is a literal demon, there's quite literally no situation where he would find it appropriate to raise a child in the same house as a man who is more or less constantly craving human flesh. So no adoption, no temporary custody, no accidental child acquisition for Renkaza.

I think with Akaza it's a little simpler because I don't think he ever really considers the idea of fatherhood at all. He, too, probably has a complicated relationship with the concept of parenthood in general because of how he lost both of his parents as well as Keizo, but the time and distance from "Hakuji," the person he used to be, afforded to him by his demonhood, dulls those thoughts and feelings. They feel like they belong to someone else.

It probably isn't until some sort of post-canon Renkaza situation where he even considers the idea of kids and family again because, well, he's made it out now, right? What's he supposed to do? Everyone around him is moving on in their own way, and for most of them that way is getting married and having babies. But he's a demon, and he's with a man, and so that's at least two reasons why he can't do that. Nevertheless, the life that he sees the people around him living is a life that he came so, so close to living himself. That should have been him, if Koyuki and Keizo hadn't died, and everything that happened afterward hadn't happened.

IDK I have lots of thoughts about this. I think Akaza and Kyojuro both think a lot about this too, especially as their acquaintances and friends (Kyojuro's friends, rather---and that's another thing to think about, the fact that Akaza is really, really alone post-canon and he doesn't have anyone to call family except Kyojuro) get married and start families and such.

ANYWAY ONTO HAPPIER THINGS

I think Kyojuro and Akaza would be great uncles. Kyojuro would make a point to be actively involved in the lives of his friends and their families maybe just because he doesn't want them all to drift apart, and unfortunately a lot of people do drift apart when they start families of their own.

I think Kyojuro's probably a pretty frequent visitor to the Uzuis' place? And at some point Tengen or one of the wives would probably very gently remind him that he's welcome to bring Akaza too, if he wants to, because he kind of looks pitifully lonely just visiting their bigass house with their bigass family all by himself. And then Kyojuro would probably bring Akaza around some evening, and it would be very weird and tense at first, and then as the visits continue happening it would be less weird and tense. Also, Akaza's great with the kids because they have boundless energy and so does he! Something similar probably happens with the Kamaboko squad and their families too.

From Akaza's perspective, he's probably just reluctantly tagging along at first (to the places where he is welcome...) but he find himself pleasantly surprised by the fact that he actually enjoys hanging around these people and their kids. He especially really likes kids; he likes knowing that he can choose to be gentle and kind even after....you know, everything. Also, he doesn't care when kids ask him weird or invasive questions because he'd much rather have that than people tip-toeing on eggshells around him all the time.

I could continue this post by talking about how Renkaza might interact with Senjuro's family, but I think I'll stop here because this is uhhhh 1,015 words long

[ffcrazy15]

A fetus, but also especially a zygote and embryo, has not yet formed into a human even if it is made of human cells. That's like a saying a cyst is a human. If life begins at conception then in order to remain logically sound you would HAVE to think those who miscarry should be tried for manslaughter and that's wack. Preventing abortion will only make both the parents and the children unhappy. I hope you have a good day, you seem kind, but I think your argument is incorrect and harmful.

An embryo is a full human organism who, if left unharmed and given the necessities of life that we all need (nutrition, shelter, etc.), will grow into a fetus and then a baby and then a child and then an adult. I was once an embryo, and so were you, and so was every other person who has ever or will ever live. An embryo is simply the first stage in the development of a human being; they are us, just younger.

No person who has ever or will ever exist was once a cyst, because a cyst is not an organism. Similarly arms and legs are not organisms, they are parts of organisms. I am not claiming that every given collection of human cells is a human being, because that would make my thumb a human being. I am claiming that every human organism is a human being and a human person.

I don’t think people who miscarry are guilty of manslaughter, obviously, for the same reason that I don’t think that people are responsible for deaths on their property that happen due to a tornado or if a child dies from sickness despite the doctor’s best efforts. People are not legally or morally responsible for unpreventable or unforeseeable accidents or diseases. Miscarriage is obviously a result of an unforeseeable and unpreventable sickness or injury, so obviously prolifers don’t equate it with manslaughter. You are strawmanning my position.

Parents being unhappy with parenthood is not a justification for them to kill their children. Also, the idea that a child will be unhappy in life and therefore we have the right to kill him is nonsensical, immoral, and in some cases verges on victim blaming. Nobody gets to make the choice for someone else that they’d be better off dead; that’s their choice to make for themselves. Many children who have bad childhoods grow up to be happy adults who are glad to be alive, and it is not up to you or anyone else to take their life from them without their consent.

Those people you say this about—disabled people, former foster kids, survivors of child abuse—can hear you saying they should have been killed. You don’t get to decide that someone else’s life is too sad to be worth living.

You seem like a good person who wants to be kind and understanding. But you have fallen for the propaganda of those who make money off of oppressing and exterminating unborn humans. All human beings deserve human rights, and deserve our support for their rights—no matter how convenient or not their existence may be for others.

[positivelybeastly]

As a Hank McCoy stan, I must ask your opinion on a little idea.

A fan film about Beast.

No action, no battle, some drama, but overall a far quieter X-Men film that explores a side of Hank we don't see much if at all. His parental side.

Maybe he finds a lost or abandoned child and takes them under his care. But because this new character is human, this causes some problems. But in the end, Hank and the child agree to face the future ahead of them, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

What's your input?

First off, nice to meet you! Always a pleasure to see a fellow Beast stan in the wild, so to speak - and I like that there seem to be more of us over time; we're gathering strength, it seems.

Secondly, I think there would be a lot of mileage in this sort of project! X-Men is, at its heart, a metaphor about racism, prejudice, civil injustice, and I think it would be really interesting to examine those themes through an under-explored lens (at least in comic books), that of interracial adoption and parenthood.

You would, of course, have to be careful about the line to be struck between allegory and reality - this is always something I try my best to keep in mind when writing Hank, because yes, he is visibly mutated, and yes, in-universe, he is subject to prejudice as a result, but you generally have to make the struggles unique to the mutant race while being reminiscent of the struggles faced by other minorities.

For example: when talking about the multiple mutant genocides that have taken place in X-Men comics, I've often perused quotes that I think would be impactful for Hank to use, to communicate his state of mind, and I come across quotes that I think would be apropos, but because they're specifically about the tragedy of, in that instance, Native American genocide, I've felt uncomfortable using them.

Yes, they would be impactful, but I personally feel (as a white cis man) that it would be inappropriate for me to use them in relation to a genocide against a fictional minority, especially in dialogue spoken by someone who is, when boiled down to it, also a white cis man.

You would have to be very careful about making creative decisions like this one if you wanted to make a fan film - this is the definition of delicacy and sensitivity, and it can be hard! I don't really agree with the idea of 'kill your darlings' in fiction, but when it comes to media that wants to examine societal themes, sometimes, you do have to cut things that you think would be really impactful because you have to consider how it reads to other, real minorities.

That being said! Don't let this idea discourage you. Examining the way that Hank would be perceived around a small human child, examining the potential prejudices that would be levelled against him if he wanted to try and formally adopt them, examining the way that it would affect his work and cross over into his heroic life - and, of course, examining the way that this interacts with his own concept of himself as a parent.

Remember, after all, that Hank has complicated feelings about parenthood, and for good reason.

Like, there's a whole thread to be unravelled here, about Hank's feelings that he can't be a good parent because he's (in his mind) a chronic screw-up, because his bestial mutation could pose a potential threat to the child if he ever lost control, because he's a publicly known superhero with enemies (including another self who wouldn't hesitate to kidnap said child for nefarious reasons, I'm sure)

And what would those doubts look like to the kid in question? Would they interpret it as a lack of desire for a child, a feeling that they're a burden, making Hank's life that much worse by being there and relying on him?

But then there's all the sweet things, too!

In summation? There's a lot to unpack here - but provided it's done with some real care and attention to detail and sensitivity, I think you'd be looking at something really quite special, with a subject matter that, quite frankly, no MCU-Hollywood movie is going to tackle in the same way.

[brittanyautumn333]

Generation Alpha are the most difficult generation in the history of education

I have attempted to go into education TWICE. When I first started student teaching (2016), I noticed behavioral issues in the 4th graders that I was teaching. I witnessed a 4th grader tell another teacher that she was NOT going to be doing the assigned reading, and if the teacher didn’t like it, she would tell her mom and her mom would have her fired via the school board. Children were noticing power dynamics, even then. Parents would rather have educators lose their livelihood than creating a possible confrontation with their children, over the concept that adults are authority figures worthy of respect. I continued with my education program, but I did not get licensure. Even then, school administrators took the side of parents/students and distributed limited disciplinary actions, citing the school-to-prison pipeline. Even when these students were a PHYSICAL danger to not only well-behaved students, but their teachers as well.

Millennial parents were raised by the overly strict, irrational boomers. They aren’t even realizing that they’re creating the same entitlement within their own children, simply through emotional unavailability and lack of structure. Parenthood is more than cute photos for Facebook and Instagram, and many millennials that I know had children wayyyy before they were ready. Gentle parenting is entirely different than PASSIVE parenting. Difficult conversations, tears, and learning experiences are all a part of childhood. Mind-numbing technology does not make developmental requirements go away. Generation alpha has been stripped of the true opportunity to learn and develop. Learning opportunities have been replaced by mind-numbing technology. These tablets produce the same responses in the brains of these children as DRUGS. That is why they can’t focus on school. Imagine taking a drug away for 8 hours, and being expected to learn more information when you were not even set up for success since being a toddler. The expectations seem unfair to them, understandably. They’re children, and new to many things. Millennial parents do not generally have knowledge on childhood development, and what are developmentally appropriate behaviors vs inappropriate behavior. Your child does not need to see a doctor, YOU need to sit with them and identify their emotional and behavioral patterns. Not every child needs medication, but all children need discipline and structure. That requires uncomfortable emotions, from both parent and child. There are times where you and your child will not be “friends”.

Generation alpha doesn’t retain information because they go home, and are handed a tablet. They have 0 social skills because they do not have many opportunities for socialization. Not even from their parents. Many of their social opportunities are with OTHER kids who also have extensive internet access to inappropriate and mindless content. I know middle school teachers who teach 6th graders on a 1ST GRADE READING LEVEL. No more than 2 parents even show up to parent teacher conferences. Parents are unresponsive via emails and phone calls. These kids are being set up for poverty. Respect, reading comprehension, and following directions are essential for even retail and restaurant careers.

Gen-Z does not use nearly as much technology in parenting. We were the first generation with unrestricted Internet access. We have seen horrible things on the internet. My best friend and I watched someone get beh***ed at 11 years old. We also watched our parents (Gen X) become emotionally unavailable due to technology and social media. Our hobbies, interests, and achievements were reduced to Facebook and Instagram likes. Gen Z understands the importance of QUALITY TIME in parenthood. Gen Z is not having children, because we take it seriously. We understand how hurtful it is to not be heard by our parents. We understand how awful the internet can be. We understand social media’s unfair and unrealistic expectations on the youth.

Charlottesville High School in Charlottesville, VA has had multiple days of classes cancelled due to a teacher walkout. There have been multiple VIOLENT fights that have broken out. A teacher was seriously injured not even 2 weeks ago. A suspension for these students hasn’t even been handed out. We need to protect educators (the very few that we still have) and students who show up willing to learn.