#and thats the biggest fault of these programs
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citytogalaxy · 2 years ago
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Believe me silicon valley is still working on this shit
if i was at harvard in 2004 i would’ve stopped it
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k9emote · 13 days ago
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look i’m gonna be serious with yall for a second in the most respectful way i can think of. a good 80% of the stuff you mentioned in your “explanation” has NOTHING to do with the actual accusations ☹️ what does synesthesia have to do with tracing and what does ritual abuse have to do with ANYTHING THEY MENTIONED?? i genuinely dont think it is possible to internalize peoples drawings THAT closely with synesthesia. hell it might not be possible at all! you can internalize and put images of IN PERSON memories in your head yes..but DRAWINGS? makes 0 sense to me.
they didnt even mention the collor pallete blue and white, but seeing your emojis its more of a white and a cool grey instead of a blue. so where tf did blue come from
OH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION THE RITUAL ABUSE MENTION?? you just dont pull that out of your ass to try and prove a point. “I don’t deserve forgiveness” then a paragraph later you’re still defending yourself. this shit has been the most hypocritical and absurd thing ive seen in a WHILE
number names are NOT your biggest enemy dude 😭😭😭 you’ve got plenty of other problems if any of the shit you’ve mentioned is actually true
also..mental illness is NOT an excuse to hurt people. “ohh im disordered and unable to get help!!! ofc i accidentally hurt people!!” if you know you’re hurting people its not a damn accident. from one cluster b to another im actually floored.
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“parasocial” DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK ??
“leave my name out of your mouth in public spaces” YOURE MOUTHING THEM ON A PUBLIC SPACE TOO??? HYPOCRITICAL???
and now there’s the few things i do understand..
being uncomfortable with irls is ok
saying endos aren’t valid is true (coming from a diagnosed did system)
and thats all i remember. its getting late
I'm answering the points that they brought up. That's how a conversation works and I didn't want to ignore anything to avoid further criticism
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synesthesia is a condition where senses connect abnormally. So you smell colours, hear numbers etc. We have a lot of synesthesia connections with touch and art. We are able to recreate a photo perfectly without tracing it because we can physically feel the lines in our hands. This, unfortunately, makes it really easy for us to copy things, even unknowingly. The physical memory will play out in our hands and we will (thinking we're just on a roll) accidentally make something an artist has already made. You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, but I'm not going to lie and admit "I traced!! 100%" when I didn't. Just because you don't understand or experience something doesn't mean you get to say it isn't real. It has been a genuine frustrating struggle. I never said it meant I'm not at fault or that it's okay because it's accidental, that's why I apologized. But it isn't fair to compare a symptom I struggle with to a deliberate act of art theft.
they mentioned number names . on the post.
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number names are very often correlated to that type of abuse. it's a form of programming, and that type of abuse is how we experienced it. That form is how a lot experience it. I assumed that was implied
I don't think this is a super important point but it's like a white and dull cyan and cyan is a form of blue so. idk many come at me thinking I target anyone who uses that color pallet and that just isn't true. that's why I brought it up.
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I genuinely don't know what you're talking about here but it was most likely in response to a point. I can be aware that people are allowed to dislike me, but there is a difference between people who dislike and people saying things they've heard from people who already hate me because of completely unrelated reasons, spreading it online and further causing harassment for me. None of you actually research what you're claiming, you take the word of people who dislike me and run for it.
Do you understand how scary and hurtful it is to see how many people hate you for reasons that have been completely twisted to the point where you don't understand what they're calling out? It makes you want to defend yourself. I have seen countless shit I have bitten my tongue and ignored but I'm reaching my end and quitting tumblr soon for my own mental health. That is why I'm now responding to things. Even if they have a small blog, if they're talking about me and saying things they have no actual information on, I have the right to defend myself. I would love to privately ask for things to be taken down but in the past I either get blocked or my shit gets taken out of context and spread further. I have never once pushed for my crowd to harass. If you are a k9 follower and you're reaching out and verbally harming people because they dislike me, fuck off. That isn't okay. I don't want that encouraged in this community.
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I'm not going to sit here and trauma dump about my childhood, but I will let you know that until about age 10 I had little to no interaction with people. That's all the information I'll be giving. So no, I don't understand it until someone tells me. Communication is important. I have changed and grown a shit ton the past couple of years and I have gotten really good at communicating with people. People have called out my behavior as "apathetic, uncaring and self absorbed" When those are literal key symptoms of NPD & ASPD. The disorders I have zero help for. I have done my absolute best to manage these symptoms. But if you can provide me a screenshot of me ever in the past 6 months I've been most active, genuinely attacking someone for NO reason, then I'd love to see it. The amount you guys play up my monster role is outstanding. I am mature at the beginning of every issue I try to address, but I am a human person, and I have lashed out sometimes. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry to the people I've hurt. I can't do anything else but apologize and get better at it; which I have.
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There are many people in this community and on this app obsessively posting things about hating me, and I will not respond or address them because I will not feed into what they are doing. I will not publicly react to them because I am not going to engage in that disturbing behavior.
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^^^
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There's a difference between saying someone is a, b and c horrible thing with no evidence and me responding and debunking shit. Is it badmouthing to?? defend myself??? or stand up for my boundaries???? I honest to god don't get your point here.
But uhh yeah. What you see as a small blog just talking about me is what I see as something that is going to kick up threats and hatred in just about every platform I have. So that's why I'm about to fuck off this app.
Please reach out publicly if there's anything I missed or you're confused on. I will handle it maturely and gently :] Thank you for messaging me !! I don't intend any of this to come off as angry at you, I am angry at the situation.
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whumpbug · 8 months ago
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in dearest response to our silly crossover shenanigans:
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lemme hear it!!! what do they think of my guys!!! i must know!!!!! <3333
YIPPEE!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!! (haha i beat u too it)
about jj:
like you said, gene really likes that kid. he thinks he'd well-mannered and polite, but obviously a little reckless and he finds it endearing. i think he is able to clock the Tiredness in jj's eyes though, and knows he's been through more than he is letting on. still, he respects him and enjoys the fact that jj is able to act a bit more like a kid around him. he sort of reminds gene of himself when he was younger. he does the Dad Older brother thing where he just pats him firmly on the back whenever jj Does Anything. its endearingly awkward
(if gene found out about the four-wheeler thing, he would give jj a very Strong talking to. thats very dangerous buddy)
cassidy really likes jj too! he likes his attitude and his work ethic and moral code and overall thinks of him as a pretty stand-up guy. he appreciates his dedication to carrying out the mission and helping others because its something he takes very seriously as well. i need a dance off between them IMMEDIATELY. cassidy gets VERY competitive very easily and i think jj is his biggest threat to being the Best Dancer In The Room
about morrigan:
they,, they kind of creep gene out at first. especially if we're considering the time period difference. something about the way that fellow moves and looks is just. off. they're too clean and too perfect. gives gene the heebie jeebies. once he gets a bit more acquainted with them, he starts to see them for who they are and he comes to like their demeanor. he will never get over they way their eyes are though. it sends shivers down his spine.
cassidy's sole goal in the beginning is to flirt with morrigan (platonically. if that makes sense.) they are very beautiful to him and their programmed flirting is really fun to riff off of (and make gene a bit jealous in the process, of course). as for their parallels, i think cassidy can see them but chooses to ignore it. he is aware of the irony of him and a literal robot having a eerie amount in common but he's still DEEP in denial. very much unwilling to admit montana's faults.
set i am genuinely having such a blast writing about our guys. our sillies!!!! in your words, they are TURNING in my mind. spinning, perhaps. twirling even.
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childhoodgrave · 1 year ago
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the biggest heartbreak i ever experienced was when like. i had my old laptop since i started hs and i downloaded sai to it even though by the end of its life i was using csp. anyway i never deleted my pirated sai copy and years, YEARS after it had been downloaded first my computer randomly isolated the folder and told me it had a virus. like 1. betrayal and 2. i had to take her out and shoot her like it hurt. im sorry paint tool sai crack it wasnt your fault
THATS SO FUCKING SAD im so sorry.. i know tje same has happened to me with other beloved programs before it really feels like when youre in a zombie movie and your loved one has been bitten and you have to mercy kill them….
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justinforprez · 2 years ago
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@awkwardgaydude
Do its fairly well established that at this point they are not cheaper than anyone else.
They are blatantly charging the government more to subsidize commercial rocket sales
The russians were charging $86mil per seat on the soyuz after the shuttle was decomisioned. 3 seats
The us contract if for an 8 seater that costs $53 million per seat. The us government wanted 8 seats so its not like that’s a surprise. Criticism directed towards this is unfounded. Its a government contract. Design by committee is not Elon’s fault.
The russians dropped their price to $8 million per seat in case you’re curious
But like I said, other than the illegal price dumping to reduce commercial costs so they can advertise a super low price this really isn’t that bad
My biggest issue is that they aren’t profitable and haven’t yet delivered any real innovations
Remember that they got money to develop starship for moon landings so why are they broke? They aren’t profitable
They save money and weight by making their own avionics. Cool but astronauts and all serious professionals esionals in all industries hate touchscreens. Buttons and switches are more useful
Super heavy has flown like twice. They spent an ungodly amount of money on super heavy and have had two flights that they got paid for.
The problem is no one needs a kerosene rocket. Weight savings are never used as weight savings. If the hydrogen rocket that cost 30 million more get me 10 more kilograms to my orbit than I use it. Why? Because 10 kilos of station keeping fuel makes my $100 million to $1 billion dollar satellite last a few more years. $30 mil is irrelevant.
Space X’s first rocket (assuming it was ever profitable) would be doing fantastically and could put Electron out of business if they still made it. This pisses me off the most. They had a profitable rocket (which had teething issues) and the small launch market has exploded. Those people also don’t need support services this is evident by the fact that one of SpaceX’s bigest programs is dropping CubeSats. I will go into this more later.
They (Elon) make absurd claims. Their space suits don’t work. They have not and will not ever be used.
And most importantly, the engine.
THE Merlin engine
The one that put spaceX on the map.
How can I say they have had no innovation? The merlin engine fucks, hard
But they didn’t invent it
NASA commissioned JPL to design a cheap disposable carbon nozzle engine that used kerosene.
So they did. And NASA said it was good but no rocket manufacturer would take advantage of this open source engine
Why? Because it sucks. There is a reason why kerosene just isn’t favored. Lower specific impulse (efficiency) means less mass to higher orbits.
It cokes up, overheats, wears out. Its a terrible choice for a reusable engine. It was invented as a disposable engine.
Now the engineers and rock surgeons at SpaceX have done a great job making it work. They have made improvements such as getting rid of the crappy carbon ablative nozzles.
They did a lot of work to integrate it.
But they did not do the real math, engineering, testing, science, and simulation to invent that engine. JPL did. JPL decided long ago that hydrogen was the way to go.
The reason the Raptor is struggling is not just because its very complex but because they haven’t designed an engine before.
SpaceX is a PR firm for Elon.
Why does ULA want Bezos to succeed with his engine? Why not just buy Raptors from Musk? It’s simpler for one but the main reason likely has to do with the fact that both companies are developing their first engine and the simpler one is more likely to work. Turns out thats Bezos’s team can’t seem to manage it but regardless. He did lose half his money in the divorce.
SpaceX composites suck. Composites are hard. It’s okay to fail.
They keep changing carbon fiber parts back into metal after parts fail. Composites aren’t durable. I think its actually quite smart to change the big rocket to stainless.
Also fun fact 3D printed maraging steel can actually have a better strength to weight ratio than even 3D printed beta-C titanium and its got a higher strength density as well which is a fancy way of saying the parts can be smaller and stronger. No one is taking advantage of this yet that I know of.
So why is Glen Cockwell and SpaceX and Elon not successful?
Its because they aren’t focusing on what matters. Lighter rockets are better but not because of cost savings. Reusability is a trap but they just keep pursuing it. If they truly can lift 50% more mass by not reusing the first stage then there are people who will want that.
Also Northrop Grumman don’t make money on equipment sales. They make money on services.
SpaceX can’t maintain your satellites orbit. They can’t monitor shit. They have no real infrastructure of their own. A launch pad isn’t infrastructure in this context.
They have the communications satellites to provide those services so why don’t they? Who knows.
Also those satellites suck ass and are not profitable despite the first Starlink satellite being 110% subsidized. They are losing money after being given more money than they spent and charging for a service. Fucking incredible.
Universities have slaves err students to keep an eye on their cubesats so they don’t need those services but everyone else wants to pay someone to babysit their $1 billion dollar investment.
TEA-TEB ignition is cool but you could also just inject hydrogen peroxide. In fact a hydrogen peroxide rocket, like the British lipstick rocket, might have been a better thing for them to pursue. Not for reusability but just for simplicity. Fewer parts is good right? Why not simplify it further, make it more reliable, and even cheaper (maybe)?
Also TEA-TEB was used by the Saturn V so its not exactly a new invention.
Their crew capsule is an ancient design with liquid thrusters attached. It has touchscreens no one likes and comfy seats for the 10 minutes that they are in use.
PICA-X is bullshit and its just PICA. Its fucking wonderbread and automotive weatherstripping glue. Which is fine. It’s just an advancement of NASA’s tech they used on ALL the cold war capsules. An improvement? Sure. Cheaper? Maybe. Lighter? Yes. But Space-X barely improved it. In fact they might be better off trying to make a version that is easier to peel off. If they want to pursue rapid reusability one of the issues is removing old ablative material. Or they could make it thicker and just plan on using it 2 or 3 times without refurbishment and then scrapping it. Oh wait the original PICA material did that. Well we can’t have that.
Did I mention reusability is bad/dumb? How much lighter would the rockets be if the tanks were smaller, there were no landing legs, if there was one less engine that could re-light? What if the ignition mechanism was left on the ground? Relighting engines is pointless. You won’t make your orbit. May as well abort. No PICA-X on the fuselage. No grid-fins. NOTHING for reusability. If they could get 50% extra payload without doing all that, how much more would they get to orbit? Double the current payload? Maybe pretty close.
$1 million per engine - oh boy
But on a normal rocket 65% of the cost is in the engine. For a $67 mil rocket launch that means that ONLY (i know) $9 million is engines
As a disposable rocket its $90 mil
That means only 10% of the cost is engines. Let me ask you, if your life is on the line do you want the doctor that charges $10,000 or the one that charges $65,000? Because I do not want that fucking Kia Soul, walmart brand, harbor freight, twitter for android, JPL ripoff fucking rocket engine taking my ass to space.
I could go on but I shall refrain. A short post is good enough
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sholangagaga · 3 years ago
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Roxanne: Sorry for having great tits and correct opinions on everything. as if its my fault
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Glitchtrap: ruin the lives of everyone around you and then die
Vanny: words of wisdom
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Freddy: How are you?
Bonnie: I literally wanna disappear without an explanation but thanks for asking
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Monty: Can't remember what my personality is supposed to be like. I wish I had written it down
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Sundrop: everyone knows that the real way to show someone you love them is to find them a really cool rock. Not diamonds or anything, just a neat rock you'd think they'd really enjoy
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Moondrop: Might ghost everyone and call it a year
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Monty, to Bonnie: I have feelings for you. not telling you which ones though
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Chica: whats your biggest fear?
Roxy: Being forgotten
Chica: wow thats deep
Chica: Mine's the kool aid man but I feel kinda stupid about it now
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Gregory: Fact; I can jump higher than any tree
Vanny: Oh? And how is that possible?
Gregory: trees cant jump
Vanny: I will destroy you
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Vanny: How do I know ZERO celebrities? You guys always talk about famous people and I have no idea who the hell they are but then it turns out they're the most well known and liked person on earth right now!
Vanessa: because all you do is talk to demons in computer programs
Vanny: He told me to murder a child the other day
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Vanessa: You seem like the type of person who thinks robots are just made to make people's lives easier
Vanny: Well aren't they?
Vanessa, pointing at Glitchtrap: He hasn't made anyone's life easier and you know it
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Monty: bro but in a flirty way
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Gregory: What happens if you press the brake and the accelerator at the same time?
Freddy: it takes a screenshot
Roxy: Get out of my raceway
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Monty: How dumb do they think we are??
Chica: Sometimes Roxy leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list
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DJ Music Man: what if "It's Raining Men" and "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" are both about the same event but from different perspectives?
Freddy: I am literally begging you to stop
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Chica: I think you're spiritually a new yorker
Roxy: this is the nicest way to call someone an asshole I think
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Monty: *wii channel music playing as he lay dead on the ground*
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Freddy: I just want to draw tiny hearts everywhere because Im full of love and the world is cruel
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Foxy: It's been a long week
Bonnie: It's only 4pm on a Monday
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Monty: y'all'd've'f'ld've
Chica: you all would have if I would have???
Freddy: did you just make a complete sentence using contractions
Roxy: the south is out of control
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Freddy: Not to get political or anything but what the fuck is oatmeal
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Bonnie: I'm going for a facial expression that's a mixture of "How the hell did I get myself into this mess" and "I'm surrounded by idiots"
Foxy: Honestly I think you nailed it
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Gregory: i'm going to defeat you with the power of found family and this gun I found
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Roxy, to the tune of The Final Countdown: It's a mental breakdown
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Freddy, showing the slightest sign of affection:
Gregory: I'd kill for you
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Chica: I'm not lying on the floor physically but I am lying on the floor spiritually
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Bonnie: You're stupid, I like that in a man
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Chica: got some chicken noodle soup and a nice warm shower. Craziest part is Im gonna eat my soup in the shower
Monty: Take a super hot shower and just use that water to make your noodles. Chess not Checkers
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raydom-gamer · 4 years ago
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SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR ANYTHING AFTER CHAPTER 16
I'm actually really curious about other people's thoughts about this.
Okay I had this thought late last night and it's been bothering me ever since, Belphegor was probably the only brother Lucifer can get away with putting in the attic without a rising any suspicion.
I'm not going to really bring in the emotional aspects about Lilith outside of just her dying or the fact that Lucifer was hiding a big secret from his brothers. I'm just plainly talkin about them being put in that attic for the same duration of time. Someone else can bring that up as well because I haven't really thought about how Lilith would affect them trapped up in the attic besides Beelzebub mentally.
Lucifer could not get away with doing that with any of his other brothers. If he had tried the chances are his other brothers would have realized something is up and would have gotten suspicious. And I'm not talking about the fact that Belphegor hated humanity and he wanted to kill the exchange students I'm just talkin about the fact that Lucifer probably had Belphegor up in that attic for roughly six months without anyone but MC knowing. Because if we break it down each individual brother it would be almost impossible for him to accomplish it.
Mammon - We all know for a fact in later chapters I can't remember which ones but it was confirmed that Mammon was Lucifer's favorite. Despite all of his faults, Lucifer still loves him and can see that outside his greediness that Mammon has he still sees with a lot more potential in Mammon. I honestly think it would be easy for him to trap and keep Mammon in the attic but Lucifer's own guilt plus Mammon's nagging would no doubt call the lot more issues then just leaving him there. Mammon probably would be a lot easier than the rest of the brothers because he's been punished a few times but I think he would make more and more ridiculous demands. Like wanting a TV for entertainment or wanting shiny for being a good boy and staying quiet in the attic for the week. Mammon also would probably be the only one who could probably talk Lucifer into letting him out. Mammon knows Lucifer better than all his brothers whether or not he pointed out. I have no doubt that he could talk Lucifer into freeing him or at least making Lucifer realize how ridiculous this is and what the backlash is going to be.
Leviathan - Leviathan would honestly be one of the easier ones to get in the attic and be hidden away much like Belphegor. Leviathan probably wouldn't be all that hard to keep in there since he's naturally in his room to begin with but he would probably have stressed out about Henry 2.0 well being well-being in the attic. Leviathan isn't above begging for something if he feels like he's being unfairly judged and would probably say some things that would cut Lucifer down. Leviathan nose a little bit more about Lucifer's War side and could probably say some hurtful things to him to guilt him into letting him out. If desperate Leviathan could summon Loath (I think thats the name) to help set him free or at least alert his brothers that hey he's still down here in Devildom. His brothers would probably also notice that Lucifer would have Akuzon packages coming in every day or a lot of packages at one time. Lucifer would have to do this in order to keep Leviathan up-to-date with his games, snacks and events in the hopes that it will occupy him from having a fit. Which wouldn't be too difficult if it wasn't for the fact that Mammon would most likely steal one of the packages and that would also end up getting Lucifer caught that Leviathan is somewhere near.
Satan - I believe Satan would be the most difficult for Lucifer to get into the attic to begin with but also the fact that he would probably be the one trying to make breakouts constantly. Satan is not stupid by any means and no matter how good Lucifer thinks he is if Satan is pushed, he will find a way to get out. Honestly would not surprise me if he just completely destroyed the room and actually literally blew a hole out the side of the house in a fit of rage just to get out of the attic. Lucifer might be able to control his temper a little bit if he may have thrown a cat or two in there because Satan wouldn't harm the animal no matter how mad he is but it would only work for so long. Especially if someone notices Lucifer is running around with cat litter and cat food. Satan would most likely be the biggest problem child out of all them purely for the fact that he has a lot more tricks up his sleeves than his brothers.
Edit: I just realized that if Satan was trapped up in the attic with a cat he would have to clean the cat's litter box but couldn't get rid of the bag without Lucifer's help. You can't convince me that Satan wouldn't take a bag of cat poop and hand it to Lucifer looking him dead in the eyes and say "Here's a sack of crap for a sack of crap." Satan would be so sassy since he can't destroy anything with the cats in the room.
Asmodeus - Asmodeus would be be another tricky one do the fact that he's kind of a celebrity or at least very popular is that a lot of people would notice him missing and start asking questions. He wouldn't be so bad at first. As long as Lucifer managed to allow him to still go into having his private bath and having all of his lotions and his clothes. Asmodeus wouldn't have such a big problem until the social aspect starts to strain on him. He is a social butterfly and he enjoys being around a lot of people having a lot of gossip the ones he kind of realizes how isolated he is that's when shit is going to hit the fan. And I can kind of see this going one of two ways. Either 1. He's going to be so desperate for socialisation he will literally have a meltdown every time Lucifer has to leave to the point where he use probably going to have a mental breakdown. Or 2. Asmodeus is going to try anyway he can to get Lucifer to let him talk to someone. Whether it be charming his brother or just outright attacking him would not surprise me because I feel like once you take a majority his happiness away from him then he will become feral. And if MC actually did meet Asmodeus the way they met Belphegor then I feel like Asmodeus would have an unhealthy attachment to MC purely from the stress of being the only one who will talk to him while he was in the attic.
Beelzebub - Much like Leviathan, Beelzebub wouldn't be that difficult to hide in the attic if it wasn't for the fact that his stomach would give himself away. Lucifer running up and down the stairs of the attic constantly to bring up 10 portion meal food a couple dozen times a day would not only exhaust him but would be hella suspicious to everyone. It was confirmed in text messaging that Lucifer is known for skipping every meal except dinner because he still wants to see his brothers at the end of the day. Beelzebub would also be someone that Lucifer would probably let out from guilt because Beelzebub still has a lot of regret about what happened to Lilith and in some way he would look at this situation of him being imprisoned in the Attic as his punishment for failing her. And given the fact that Beelzebub isn't afraid to just talk about uncomfortable things with his siblings if it fixes is the problem. Lucifer would probably release Beelzebub after having a long discussion of needing to let Lilith go. Also the brothers would have noticed that Lucifer running around with a lot of food would immediately send off some of warning signals especially the Belphegor who would already be on high suspicion that there was foul play. Beelzebub wasn't like that with belphegor but that's because he didn't really believe that Lucifer was going to lie to him and thought that Lucifer was taking good care of Belphegor (which in a way he was but still.)
I just feel like because Belphegor sleeps all day and outside of Satan and Beelzebub she really doesn't have a lot of socialisation as well as someone who's really easy to accommodate for with very little needs outside of the basics that wouldn't come off is alarming to his brothers. I kind of feel like Belphegor was just a perfect type of person could be put in an attic for months on end with just a basic lie from someone they trust without really alarming anyone. Beelzebub was upset and was confused why his brother had never said anything to him but again Beelzebub had no reason to not trust Lucifer.
I guess what I'm trying to say is do you think Lucifer already had that planned. Like way before Belphegor had this whole situation about the exchange program. Do you think Lucifer has had to sit down and think of a place to lock his brothers up for long periods of time just in case. I'm pretty sure he's done that with Satan at least because of his rage but I feel like that would be more of like a rage room to just destroy things and try to minimize the damage then actually being a prison.
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highlonelylustfull · 4 years ago
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1- July-2021
Today I had the first session with my mom and Mark. He immediately zeroed in on my and my defeatedness which was brought up by Dr. White in FL as well when I had a session with her and my mom. She noted how immediately my posture and demeanour changed. The default of compliance, knowing that I am not about to honestly and openly express myself with my mom as she's not able to handle it, and so I just comply and get smaller. Thats the only way that I can cope at this point is to emotionally detach.
Mark asked for a weekly recap and I was honestly about some highs and lows, when he asked mom the same thing she talked about how busy she is and then the rest of it was about Lariel which is annoying, avoidant, and copdepenant to think that someone else's news counts as your experience. Enmeshment.
She said that our conversations don't feel fake or superficial to her, which is alarming but also maybe she is incapable of having the kinds of conversations I would like to have. She at least acknowledged the underlying tension and the avoidance of certain topics.
When she read me her fears for me she got emotional and talked about basically my everyday reality. She said that I have been hit harder than any kid and am constantly being thrown curveballs and trauma, and she's worried that I won't be able to blossom or having an easy life. I didn't understand the fear in that because its all true. Mark and I were both nodding the whole time in agreement as in yes that is true and yes my life is hard and yes a lot of shit happens to me and no it does not stop and no I do not get a break. It was frustrating to see that she clearly doesn't see how her behaviour is contributing to making my life so FUCKING HARD. She is the biggest headache in my day to day life, she continually throws curveballs AT me and then gets upset at how I react making it even worse. She is the most stressful traumatic thing in my life hands down and that is why this is at such a breaking point for me. I need something to change in the way or boundaries, her behaviour, her communication, or just cutting her out of my life and looking for support in other ways. I said int he session that I feel like I can't put my whole weight on her and I have been actively seeking out other resources to help me because I can't trust her support.
When she was reading the assignment to me she acknowladged that she is growing mentally and emotionally and I am as well, both at different stages of our lives. So that gives me a little hope that she is becoming aware of her own faults and is becoming willing to work on her part of this relationship.
She misremebered the I am and have been doing everything in my power to better OUR relationship to bettering MYSELF. She acknowledged it and while that is true that I am and have been constantly bettering myself it discards the entire relationship aspect. She seemed to have a hard time saying or seeing that our relationship is/has shattered in a lot of ways, and added on to how important she is to me.
When I got to the fear.. that was rough. I didn't know if I could even say it as I was tearing up and had the biggest knot in my throat. Eventually I did, and she seemed taken a back, and left out my fear of the relationship ending or being irreparably damaged-clearly she doesn't feel that way even though she threatens me with it.
When it got to why I love her she waited for more I only could muster up two things one of which was a memory because at this point I have so little respect for her that I dont know why I love her other than she's my mother and so I am biologically programmed to withstand the throws of the relationship and try and better it because I'm her daughter. Which now that I think of it is something she drilled into my head about Ralph. That he's my father so I have to have him in my life and he's my father so that justifies a multitude of sins. I could see that she was underwhelmed or maybe even hurt by the lack of embellishment.
But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I literally called Riley last nights to give me ideas and remind me why I love my mother because all the things I love and value about most people.. she doesn't have. She is not loyal, she is not independent or strong, she is not loving ad nurturing all the time (so that didn't feel completely genuine to say), she isn't woke or working on herself, she isn't accountable, she isn't trustworthy, she isn't ride or die. A lot of the things I loved about my mom, things I used to brag about my mom are no longer true for me. She no longer is my best friend she is a constant source of trauma, pain, and material for group and therapy. She is constantly dissaponting me and being insincere and fake. I no longer feel like a priority on her list nor do I feel cared for or even taken into account. I feel like she is holding on to me with one hand and I am trying to get out of her grasp and just get some air but every fucking time, she pushes me down further and adds more mountain to climb. It feels like a never-ending story of Cali is mentally ill and I am a mom so therefore I am clearly not in the wrong or whatever other excuse she deems relevant. and I just have to eat it and drown a little more. It was hard hearing her talk about how hard and traumatic my life is and her just being so fucking blissfully unaware that SHE is the hardest, more traumatic, stressful, largest hurdle that I face in my daily life. That is why I am so fucking committed to fixing this and why I have and am putting so much of myself into this process because it is life or death for me. This is my breaking point. I can't live with this fake ass shit anymore and either the relationship gets better or I will have to cut her out or set firm boundaries and find other support and stability in my life because it is NOT her.
Then after we both finished, Mark asked her to recap how she felt about the assignment, the active listening, and about the content. She gave some bullshit dull answer, and Mark (THANK GOD) persisted that she be more specific. She basically blamed me and my "black and white thinking" as for the reason that I would feel that she is willing and able to cut me off at the drop of a hat. I asked to elaborate and reminded her of the conversation where she clearly threatened me saying "Just how much money do you need. You clearly want to divorce me, so how much money do you need!". She stated that thats not how she remembers the conversation and that actually she was setting a "boundary" with me and "clarifying" about where the financial support was going to come from and setting an emotional boundary with me about what she was not willing to discuss with me at that time... Then our time was up and Mark recaps that he feels like he's leaving us hanging but that ya know Rome wasn't built in a day and these things take time.
Overall I feel like it was a good first step to starting to dig into the REAL problem and exposing how deeply I am hurt and how immense this problem really is.
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tclesnmirrors-moved · 5 years ago
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Belphie | Headcanon 004
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While we don’t see much of it right now, Belphegor once held a lot of love and respect for Lucifer. It’s displayed that out of  all of the brothers he was the most vocal about it as well.  Before he had begun to grow bitter with his thoughts, there  once was a time that Bel only saw Lucifer as someone he could trust with anything. This is shown in the Devilgram for Belphie’s card Hatred. The brothers are playing a  game of Who Am I? Beel had ended up as Lucifer and  when it came to Belphie’s turn his hint was obvious, but  also a bittersweet memory. 
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Belphie right off the bat describes Lucifer as someone who he trusts and reiterates that he is the smartest out of all of them. It shows that he was, to him at least, someone he could rely  on when things get hard. Now where I think things went wrong  was probably the start of RAD in Devildom, since that seems to be what eats away most of Lucifer’s time. Despite this Bel  was confident in his relationship with his eldest brother, but  when the whole exchange student program came up, it gave Belphegor no time to really get comfortable with the idea of being around the very species he blamed for his little sisters death. From what we’ve seen Bel does not talk about his over all trauma of watching Lilith die. It was probably a situation he blamed himself as the cause, since it all started with his  interest in the human race despite being told by Lucifer a  number of times to not see them. He needed someone to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. He needed Lucifer, his brother he  loved, trusted, and respected more then anyone to tell him  that it wasn’t his fault. 
Another thing thats important to note is that when it was Lucifer’s turn to guess who he was ( he got Belphie ), he looked to Bel for his hint, in which he responds with a resounding--
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After being locked up we know very well what Belphie’s mind set was, but one thing important to note is that despite his  anger towards Lucifer he still held some level of concern.  Because to Belphegor, his eldest brother was not acting like himself. He was not acting like his Prideful brother who didn’t allow anyone to boss him around, which is evident if you  consider the fact he rebelled against the Celestial realm after finding out Lilith would be killed. So for him to see Lucifer bow his head to Diavolo? It was a whiplash. Plus it’s important to note that from what we’ve seen, if a demon holds back their nature for too long there’s some kind of a repercussion. Ex.  When Beel is doesn’t satisfy his hunger, he starts to go on a rampage, eating anything in his wake and in his demon form. So if Bel was thinking Lucifer was holding back his pride by working under Diavolo and bowing to him ( though it’s from gratitude of  what he did for Lilith ), he does have a right to be concerned. From Belphie’s view, Lucifer is throwing away his pride by going along  with whatever Diavolo cooks up. In this case the Exchange  program
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Then when the MC is introduced to the story and has their  run in with Belphegor, we see in the devilgram them talking  to each other. This ends up with Bel getting lost in thought  about the past, he’s brought back to realty suddenly. It’s  here the question rises, does he hate Lucifer? But when  you take a closer look, it seems more like Belphie is trying to convince himself that he hates him. If he did, then it  would be easier for him mentally, but he doesn’t. Not  truly. Belphegor might resent Lucifer, but going as far as actually and genuinely hating him would be pushing it  too far. 
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It is also easier for him to push the whole blame  onto his brother when he had grown aware that he might be the one in the wrong with his actions against humans. But also comes to the realization Lucifer leaves him alone in the attic after getting an argument about how much  the elder had changed. Bel’s biggest fear is to move on  he thinks he has to forget Lilith. 
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Finally it comes down to the Mc asking Bel, do you truly hate Lucifer? he gives them an uncertain ‘of course...’, but doesn’t elaborate more on it. If Belphie truly hated Lucifer he would be more then willing to be open about it, especially since he is  very much blunt about his opinion about anything else. The  only thing this could mean is that he doesn’t believe it himself.  But even if Belphie doesn’t hate Lucifer, he truly believes that  his brother hates him and that because of his actions there’s  no way for them to go back to how they once were. 
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In summary, Belphegor doesn’t hate Lucifer and he probably never could truly. Lucifer to him was someone he trusted with all his heart and loved him. He was hurt by his brothers actions and is resentful, but he stills show that he cares by his concern about how much his brother has changed from how he used to be. Right now things are hard between them and even though Bel believes thing cannot go back to how they used to be, if they sit down and talk he could turn back at least to a less bitter version of himself. Belphegor as said  by his brothers is the type to push others away even though he was the one who would get lonely the most. In this moment all he really wants is Lucifers attention and he feels like the only way to really  get it is to act up like the rest of his brothers. By nature Belphie is  the quietest among the 7 of his siblings and this is partially due to  his own Sin of Sloth. All in all he just wants Lucifer to love him back.
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the--social--anarchist · 5 years ago
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American Healthcare
American Healthcare is a fucking joke.
I do not have health insurance for a ton of complicated reasons I can’t get into right now. However, my local hospital has a financial assistance program for indigent patients that will cover any big major tests like MRI’s or Echo cardiograms, and sometimes emergency room visits. 
I’ve used the service twice now and each time it has been the biggest hassle of my entire fucking life. They want you to jump through hoops to receive any services at all. Fill out an application. Send in your wage inquiry. Proof of residency. Identification etc. Except my wage inquiry is 8 weeks old and apparently thats unacceptable. Which makes exactly 0 sense because these applications are supposed to be good for 6 months, so what the fuck does it matter??? Fine, I will drive 45 minutes (each way) to pick up this stupid piece of paper that will be identical the the first one. Because that is exactly what somebody receiving multiple brain and spinal MRI’s, who is suffering from debilitating pain and neurological problems should be doing. Whatever. 
Oh but wait, now we need your doctor to send us a “medical necessity” form... You mean the referral? I have the referral, and I sent it in with my application. No, not  referral, a specific document that says you absolutely need this test done. Because apparently doctors order cervical MRI’s for shits and giggles? Why the fuck else would I be having this done if not for a medical necessity? 
These are only the current hoops I’m dealing with. I’ve already dealt with a dozen others. They absolutely make this process unbearably difficult to discourage people from using the service. The process is very demeaning, and everyone treats you like garbage. Like its your fault you got sick, or your fault you dont have health insurance. As if I’m some useless sack of crap who only burdens society.
Well, news flash douche bags. I have worked and paid taxes since I was a teenager. I have never required any form of government assistance until I lost my job in May of 2017 due to very extreme health difficulties. After that I received 6 months of food stamps and that is it. Nothing else. At all. 
And I did file for disability. But after waiting a year for my hearing the main doctor on my case was arrested by the DEA for being a shady drug dealer, and they took all of my records. So I was forced to withdraw my case.
I don’t want a pity party. I don’t want to play the victim. I just want to be treated like a respectable human being with rights and dignity. I just want to be healthy and well so I can finish my degree and go back to work. 
I have exhausted all resources. I have ran up credit card debt, student loans, borrowed money from my mom, and applied for every assistance program under the sun (I qualify for nothing.) But the system doesn’t care. In fact, they will just continue to kick you while you’re down on your knees begging for the chance to survive.
Fuck the American healthcare system.
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cheapjerseysallstar-blog · 5 years ago
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Morocco bid is shaky at best
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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago
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Becoming Human - Chapter 9
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Previous Chapters:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 
“So far he seems to be progressing well, all levels of his intelligence have improved from last time he sat in this chair.” Doctor Jung spun around on his seat and smiled at me. “How have you found him?”
I glanced at Leo, offline for the very first time in front of me. His eyes were closed and he looked peaceful in his resting state. I smiled. “It’s been an adjustment from just interacting at work with a robot. I admit my original stance has changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never understood the need for them. My background in psychology found some people who used them generally sounded like they could do with some psycho-therapy treatment for their social anxiety issues. I feel like my opinion is changing. Leo has made me question a lot about my own way of existing in the past three days.”
The doctor chuckled and took off his glasses. “Miss Choi, you mentioned to me about my thesis the other day and how this is a waste of my talent. This lab is creating miracles every day. Psychologists sit in an office and give an hour a week to their clients to help them. My bots can be in your home and be a listening ear. They won’t judge you for your faults but find ways to build you back up. Isn’t that a blessing?”
“Leo isn’t like that. He has opinions. He has experienced multiple emotions already. I feel like he could help people further. In a way, the current AI program is giving false confidence. Yes it works and I believe there is a place for it, but humans won’t build you up the same and can bring all that falsity right back down on the customer in one blow. I’m not saying everything about Leo’s mannerisms is desirable, but I’m learning a lot from him in how he views the human race. We are crueller than I imagined.”
“Do you worry about your own blurring of lines around Leo? You have stated in your files before that is your biggest concern of customers. Can you feel that?”
I didn’t respond immediately, my mind thinking over the small instances we’ve had. Even earlier this morning our fight had felt organic and I hadn’t even felt there was a difference in us. Human and robot weren’t a factor, even though I had used it as his weakness, on a whole, I had viewed him as just Leo during that moment. Biting my lip, I looked up at the man and finally sighed. “I’m unsure if I will fully blur lines but sometimes he does seem more human than he should.”
“In three days you’ve managed that conclusion. It will be interesting to see the version of yourself in a month’s time. Gunhee will keep me updated with your progress, but let’s meet up for another session of looking into his functions within a week’s time.”
I nodded and got to my feet, watching as the doctor pressed a few buttons on the screen that allowed the lines that were hooked to Leo’s neck to wake him back up. His eyes slowly opened and he looked around the room, his focus finally landing on me. He smiled warmly and I couldn’t help but feel at ease to see him alert again.
 “Did you rest well, Leo?” Doctor Jung removed the cables and the robot glanced at him, nodding once. “Good. We need to let Miss Choi go to work now. You can come and watch how we do things in the lab if you like.”
“Really?!” He got off the chair and straightened himself up, waiting beside the doctor eagerly. “I can really have a place here?”
“I need to watch you in action too, come on.”
“One moment, doctor.” Leo then grabbed my arm and took me out of the room, leading me down the hallway before stopping. He smiled again at me and reached to muss my hair a little, my hand instantly moving to smack it away.
“What are you doing?!”
He leaned down into my face a little, still smiling giddily. “It’s my first day having a job; I feel very happy right now. And I get to do what I wanted to the last time you left me in that room to go back to work.”
“And what’s that?”
“Have a good day,” he said, placing his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll see you later.”
And with that, he went back to the Doctor’s office. I, however, was reeling from the interaction, my heart beating faster the more I repeated the sentence internally. I’ll see you later.
It felt odd to have someone out there waiting to see me again in their day. I found there was a bounce in my step as I made my way back to my department, smiling and greeting my co-workers happily. Even Daniel waved at my arrival and I grinned brightly back at him, before sitting down at my desk.
“Something good happened to you,” Sohyun stated, leaning around to observe me more closely. She gasped and grabbed onto my arm. “You have a boyfriend?!”
“Yah!” I hissed and shook my head rapidly. “You know that’s so not the case.”
“You look like you’re in love though. Like you have someone who waits for you.”
I froze at her choice of wording and then shook my head and hands at the same time. “Honestly, your imagination.”
“Right, you claim dating is for those who have too much time on their hands.” Sohyun tilted her head to the side and then laughed. “Maybe you should be forced into a situation where you have to interact with another guy. You might find yourself falling for him way too quickly because you’ve lacked dating experience.”
“Let’s work, yeah?” I told her, feeling a little haunted at how her words were lining up. Thankfully, once switching on my headset the first call was connected. I noticed the caller was calling from overseas and made effort to answer in English. “Welcome to KBoys Cyborg Call Centre, you’re speaking with Yerin, how may I help you today?”
“Hi Yerin, it’s Kate Sheparton here, how are you?”
Looking at the screen, I realised it was one of our top weekly callers and composed myself for what her predicament was today. She was sweet in nature but rang way too many times. Mostly for unnecessary things, like how to train her Junhoe to cook more authentic meals or how to stop him from looking in the mirrors more often than she did. I cleared my throat and smiled. “I’m fine, thank you, how can I assist you?”
“I’d like to trade in my Junhoe, please. He’s just a complete nightmare. I’ve had enough of his behaviours and need a new idol that can suit me better instead.”
I was shocked, just last week she was gushing to me about how she would marry him if it were legal to do so. “Are you sure that is something you’d like to proceed with? Once it’s done, we won’t be able to fully return him in the future if you change your mind again.”
“I’m certain, today was the last straw. I asked him who was more beautiful and he answered himself. Without even hesitating! I cannot be with someone so condescending anymore. So can I purchase a face-up please?”
“Certainly, who would you like to swap to?” I went through to the face-up request aspect in her file and waited for her selection.
“It’s an easy choice and someone who I feel is more mature completely. Johnny Seo from NCT, please.”
I paused, remembering crossing TV channels once and finding the idol in question doing bird impressions on Weekly Idol. Trying not to laugh, I clicked into the idol she requested and started the process. After explaining to her what to expect next, I finished the call and then thought over my reaction towards the girl.
I was starting to feel uncomfortable in who I was, realising how judgmental I could be towards some of the things I thought of customers. Although I was nothing but professional on the phone, it had never bothered me beforehand on how I would view some people. Vowing to be more productive and less opinionated for the rest of the day, I picked up the next call, hoping my work day would finish on a better note than I had started it. 
Next chapter
A/N: Is that... expectation building in Yerin?! Doctor Jung is right, look at how many changes have occurred in three days. Who knows what else might change?
Next chapter will be posted Monday 3rd (NZST)!
Want to be added to the notified list? Leave a comment or reblog letting me know that you wish to get tagged in the upcoming chapters! Thanks everyone for the continued support!
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pommur · 3 years ago
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Because maybe she chalks it up to: maybe he changed of grew out of his bully ways, maybe James was just a boy being a boy, maybe he gave her some bs excuse. Maybe he just wore her down.
I get why people dislike her for cutting off her friendship with Snape, it can make it seem like she is a bad friend giving up but what she probably saw a totally different person in him by then and was probably pissed and afraid of the kinda person he could become. Ironically her splitting from him was one of the things that probably pushed him over.
That is not her fault though because she didn’t know. She made what she probably thought was a safe choice when it came to Snape. Us, the viewer have different information than she.
But James, as sad as it is to say it seems like the plausible thing that could have taken place is given the time period and how muggles acted in that time and possibly witches and wizards… she probably went into school an eager young witch and came out a woman who had been shaped by society. I was born in the 90’s and as of 2022 am currently am in my 20’s and can say even when I was just coming out of high school society had already changed me a lot on how I thought I should act vs when I went into middle and high school.
Lily probably was worn down over time by not only James’s constant targeting her and trying to get her to go out with him he probably trued to act like a changed man or may have toned down his bulling around her because Snape, his biggest possible competition was out of the so called race. If she wanted to be part of the wizarding world full time not only in her day and age would it be best to marry into a wizarding family that is part of the world she has no family in she ended up with a good looking, wealthy, popular, gifted athlete, who clearly was smart enough to graduate. If Snape wasn’t with her anymore she probably wouldn’t have noticed much even if James did continue to target him. She saw most likely a guy who probably seemed to grow up a little and had a lot of pros. And back then him bugging the crap out of her was probably slightly less creepy than it is now and would seem possibly more romantic in the long run if she did break down and go fine one date and then went fuck it he’s good looking and is nice so I’ll give him a shot.
Back then people probably cared even less about Snape’s assault because he wasn’t hot shit. And who cares if a man is assaulted its just boys playing rough or being dumb asses? Eh? And forget the word sexual. Sexual assault? Is that even real? Obviously its real. But look at todays events in real time. A lot of the world has been watching the whole JD and AH assault courtroom thing because historically things have been more… unfair for women. Yet it gets tricky when its a man. We are still working towards equality when viewing people and their issues. And because so many of us have still been raised so heavily in sexist ways this is not going to be an over night fix to how society functions. I wish I had an answer to help fix it fast but the reality is I can’t undo programing, trauma, and damage. We have to move forward and do the hard work.
That said thats still an issue today. Let alone when Snape and Lily would have been kids/teens/young adults.
I hope my points on this came across okay and I truly do not mean to offend anyone with anything I have said. And honestly as we as a society progress and myself as a person my opinions changes and alter with time and information. I have no clue how relevant some of this may be even a year from now. If anyone is being bullied, harassed, or is any kind of trouble or danger and you have the ability to seek help please do. No matter who you are.
I understand why Lily ends her friendship with Severus who associates with aspiring DE, people associated with Dark Magic, who are prejudiced against her kind.
But I don’t understand why she would marry James. James, who bullies her best friend from the time they are 11 until the time he DIES. James, who hung him upside down and put soap in his mouth- until he ALMOST CHOKED; who exposed his underwear before the whole school and threatened to take them off. For no reason.
Why- like, why is that okay? Why is she able to take a stand against Dark Magic, etc but marries someone guilty of sexual assault, abuse, and general harassment? Narratively, it makes NO sense for her character. The point of James (And Snape, Dumbles, Remus, etc) is that even the “good” guys are gray.
Why is Lily okay with that? Because quite honestly, the little we see of James in SWM is TEN TIMES WORSE than anything we see Severus do as a child- or, frankly, as a Death Eater. It kinda confuses me why the “morally pure” girl would fall for a jock, a bully, and just generally someone with no principles when her own principles are shown to be so strong.
But this is the same Lily who says “Old Bathilda,” calls her childhood friend Snivellus and doesn’t even ask him if he is okay in the middle of his assault, and has a baby in the middle of the war. So maybe she doesn’t usually have the best judgment.
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extradan · 7 years ago
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Hey I like your art a ton and I was wondering just how long you have been drawing and working to improve as an artist.
Oh my gosh haha thank you so much for liking my art!
I have been drawing for the longest time, I think ever since kindergarten, well at least the artistic dedication! 
I used to draw my when i was in middle school, starting from fourth grade i have been drawing more and more frequently until fifth grade in which I was drawing on a daily base, back then I would also be sitting and making animations on flash, which unfortunately I dont have backups of
but from middle school, up to high school 2012, my art never improved, it was just all the same all the time, I was back then on ritalin and I decided to start my first pony blog, while updating my blog, I couldnt consider yet Tumblr being part of the effective social websites that I go on as nobody was following me and I had no one to intreact with back, tumblr would be the thing i would check once every few days, it was nothing to me but a mere another google plus, until i was sponsored by catfood-mcfly back when he was running the Herpy Derpy blog, and thats where I got recognized and I was determined to continue my activity on tumblr as an ask blog, and I have gotten to become more interactive with people, being inspired by the many of the art I have been seeing from following other people, I would adopt and experiment with what I saw mostly shines through their art, and 2012 was the year I have made the biggest change in my art throughout the months, whitin 6-8 months I have improved by a ton!  tumblr was a very resourceful to the evolution of my art! and I also made so many friends and I have as well learned to become a better person! I am a better person of who I used to be in the past, and i am still improving! there are still a lot of things I need to work about myself as a person!
Also stepping out of drawing in flash and starting doing my stuff in sai was revolutionary to my art, flash back then wasnt recognized fully as an animators program by macromedia and neither by adobe, as they saw it an all purpose program for making goptimized ames and ads, only until all browsers and webpages grew out of flash and flash officially was blocked by all browsers since you could have implanted malicious codes into flash files, only then flash recognized as an art and animation tool for creators.
So moving to sai allowed me to build sketches and bodies easily and paint and yadda yadda and it was all great and helped boosting my art upwards
Flash limited my improvement as I wasnt drawing sketches on flash since you couldnt just lower the opacity of the layer you drew the sketch on, you would have to go through several actions to achieve that, but you would be lowering the opacity of your selected drawing and not the layer, I couldnt also paint on flash and flash ever since the stone age had those horrible vector tools that SUCKED DICK unless you do stretching and smoothing and fixing, in my opinion at least, they did improve the vector system a bit BUT IT STILL SUCKS, i prefer bitmap brushes more, which why I prefer Toon Boom harmony as a program for animators.
If you have been back in the days, you could have watched me go through a several phases! like drawing like atryl, raikissu’s shading and coloring styles, florecentmoo’s shading techniques and eye pupil style, and I uhh.. dont remember the rest, but theres have been a lot of artists out there whom I adopted artistic traits like:
theflyingtacoz, kittentoots(drunk fluttershy), w300, Santi, belaboy, dr idiot, inzergue (big impact on my current style), David (the guy who now works on mighty magiswords along with kyle), fungasm, colorlesscupcake (known as caek now), ahappypichu (a pretty powerful current impact on how i paint my art today), uhh, also “pinkie in private” which, to this day, drawing the way the draw the cheek for their characters, and some other artists I that I couldnt come up in my mind but I did adapt a trait or two from.
My current big inspirations are artists who work on OK KO and as fake as it might sound, my own fiance! yes!! they have been an inspiration for me for quite a while even back at 2012, but to how I viewed it, I never really dared to adopt anything from them because I was so out of their league, and my art was still shaping and i already had ideas that I wouldnt think would work if i mixed some of their’s, but now that my art have been developed and has a solid state of how it looks, they inspire me so much!!
Drawing ponies was probably the best practice I have ever had that thanks to that I have pushed so far in the art that I do, ponies are so simplified!! and easy to draw! it allowed me to produce more and that means that it allowed me to experience differently with each time! 
It helped me improve with a lot of stuff like gesture, facial and painting and other other minor stuff! drawing ponies was such a booster seat for me!
But unfortunately, from drawing ponies alot you wont learn how to draw humans, which understanding muscle, action line, figure and bones is so crucial for drawing, anything really! understanding how the body works is extremely fundamental and its there for you to know how to manipulate the drawings your making, of any specie, its not there to just teach you how to draw the anatomy of the human body, that will only serve as a plus.
I have learned a lot from ponies but how bodies work and draw clothes lmafo, to this day I cant draw clothes for days
in 2014 I ordered a really good book and I have polished my anatomy and human drawing skills, I yet dont know some stuff because i stopped practicing because of varios reason like relationship, access and physical health.
In the begging of the year I acquired a cintiq and it been nothing but dreadful to me, but im using it because i spent.. so much money on it.. and i have been so concerned about bringing it to my home country as well.. but it has the adventage of a screen so... 
its just, I dont have a low enough desktop or high enough chair to draw on it, its always above my shoulder no matter the angle and it puts so much weight on my shoulders, the thing is heavy too so its not something you could lean on your legs while you draw, neither it is portable, it made work much more harder and difficult and I wasnt drawing as frequesnt because my time wasnt so so enjoyable, my 2015 as well become a dreadful year to me and I was feeling guilty and shitty everyday, and it was my fault because it was all my doing and i let myself feel that way, and I had barely the stamina to work on my art ever over the year, I also lost my passion and motivation to draw and basically it dragged also to 2016, I drew a few commissions but I didnt produce much art neither, then I flew over the united states and I didnt have acess to drawing for 4 months as i was away from my equipment, my fiance had the equipment, but that means that I would have to use their computer for all the dedicated hours I use to work on my art and they would have nothing but a mere phone to entertain themselves, also our time togehter was really precious and every minute counted, so we rathered having fun other than doing work work work
2017 came and I still had the sense of drawing lost in me, I would draw whenever i would have a piece of paper available to me since I find fun in that, since im comfortable and cozy and i dont have to concentrate the entirety of my body weight on my hand and arm as i draw, but I would never draw on the cintiq unless its a miracle or if had a crazy comic idea in mind that i had and MUST HAD executed, i almost didnt draw anything in 2017, and neither in this year but the ok ko drawing i have recently created, but I found a new comfortable focus and its doing 3d, I am using my mouse to do everything and i dont have to feel my horrible chair scraping againt my butt like sandpaper, and I dont to feel like my shoulders are about to give up, I did try Tam’s 13hd and it was so much more comfortable and nice to draw on as i could put it on the bed or on my legs, but I cant afford another expensive piece of equipment, especially not in this generation of technology, wacom fucking sucks but no other brand is willing to be their competitive because tablet is not the purchase the average person would make.
Another reason why I have been so held on drawing and using the cintiq, which was probably the most major thing was it’s total, hot flaming shitty garbage diarrhea poopy stank abysmal horrible disgusting nasty dumbass smelly drivers which made every chance i had to draw a miss because i would battle myself from 30 minutes to over a hour fixing my tablet to draw a single thing, and its been like that every time i would turn my cintiq on! the situation was severe and everytime i would find a solution, it would be later suppressed, it was so harsh that i had a few months in which nothing I would do would make the drivers function, i was basically tabletless, so many, and a lot of opportunities for me to create a piece of drawing was flushed in the toilet with the rest, and so it was a deeper burden on my passion, determination and motivation to draw.
But yeah, now im doing 3d and it feels like a fresh hobby to me since I felt that im not going anywhere in and with my art (even though I yet have to learn how to draw bodies better, let alone drawing limbs, feet and CLOTHES!!)
and now the future has yet to be revealed!
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toutorii · 4 years ago
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Various Honoka HCS
Cause Im self indulgent 😌
⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad, Shirou or Daiki knew what the hell to do with her wings.
⁃ Her first word was "Daiai" which was exposed to be "Daiki"
⁃ Daiki would call Noka "baby bird" and mo one will tell me otherwise
⁃ He also called Shirou "buddy"
⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down. Cause by this point, Daiki had already “joined” AfO.
⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.
⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian
⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day
⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"
⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them
⁃ He also worried for his nephew, who went missing right before Noka and Shirou ended up in his custody
⁃ Didnt want Noka or Shirou to become heroes
⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt
⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One
⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist
⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams
⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A
⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter
⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form
⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy
⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan
⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou
⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi
⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school
⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise
⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them
⁃ Noka is always like that
⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble
⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.
⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"
⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"
⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder
⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.
⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far
⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training
⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries
⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration
⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip
⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle
⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power
⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could
⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery
⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process
⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students
⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA
⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One (A/N: please dont kill me im trying to not make her too op 😭😭)
⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might
⁃ So fast foward to the internships
⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow
⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers
⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit
⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene
⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out
⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat
⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions
⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku
⁃ So— Summer training arc
⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest
⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp
⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero
⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳
⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset
⁃ Some more than others
⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*
⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother
⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"
⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"
⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"
⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"
⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk
⁃ Let me set the scene
⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut
⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort
⁃ P r o g r e s s people
⁃ N e ways
⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy
⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight
⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens
⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka
⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him
⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"
⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka
⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)
⁃ He did this to Shirou and Daiki as well
⁃ But Shirou's body wasnt able to handle as many quirks, so AfO discarded him
⁃ Daiki was not aware that Noka was a target, Shigiraki knew he would object and purposely left him out of the loop
⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi
⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers
⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight
⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more
⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka
⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most
⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league
⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled
⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing
⁃ His precious baby sister
⁃ His whole world
⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days
⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka
⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won
⁃ But there was no sign of Noka
⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was
⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"
⁃ The whole class was in a panic
⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?
⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was
⁃ Is she alive?
⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening
⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found
⁃ And they all felt guilty
⁃ But none more than Bakugou
⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak
⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."
⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?
⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit
⁃ From day one she put him in his place
⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has
⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams
⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics
⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control
⁃ To which they asked how he knew her
⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school
⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood
⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter
⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms
⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister
⁃ Speaking of little sister
⁃ She refused to return to the league, so Shigiraki sold her to giran, who then took her to Overhaul
⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki
⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl
⁃ Ill talk about this another time
⁃ So skipping to when they save her
⁃ It was a total shock for them
⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl
⁃ And even more so when she spoke
⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had
⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice
⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall
⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine
⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could
⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye
⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped
⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"
⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear
⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery
⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat
⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes
⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout
⁃ So p a n i k
⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school
⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka
⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted
⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt
⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month
⁃ Only family were allowed
⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her
⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked
⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy
⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode
⁃ But what really shocked them was how her wings hadnt grown back.
⁃ They were then told that they would never grow back, since the bone in them were completely ripped out.
⁃ Thus she needs a wheelchair while she recovers
⁃ Daiki sometimes visits her during the night
⁃ He apologizes to her over and over again for not being there when she was taken
⁃ But also to apologize for abandoning her and Shirou
⁃ She just cupped his wet cheek and said
⁃ "Daiki, I know you had a damn good reason to do what you did. Also you're my big brother. I dont care if you work for All for One, youre still my brother. And you'll always have a home with us. Shouta Shirou and I will welcome you back with open arms."
⁃ Needless to say Daiki just bursted into more tears
⁃ Anyways—
⁃ By the time the school festival comes around, Noka still needs a wheelchair, and isnt the strongest mentally, but she has made tremendous progress.
⁃ After the 1-A concert, Eri sat on Noka's lap the whole time. Except during the beauty pageant, in which Deku held Eri, and Mirio held Noka (cause shes a smol baby)
⁃ Noka was in charge of tesching Eri the basics while she recovered, since the young girl felt most comfortable with her
⁃ When the dual training session came around, Noka still couldnt do much moving around without draining her energy quickly. So she stuck with enhancing her quirk while she built up her physical strength.
⁃ Meaning she healed any and all injuries after the matches were concluded
⁃ Monoma made the mistake of saying something about her not making any progress, and Bakugou was t h i s close to murdering him 😌
⁃ Ever since Noka got back from the hospital, Bakugou has been v e r y protective of his honourary sister—
⁃ But Kendou smacked the blonde before Bakugou could do anything
⁃ Shinsou would totally go like "Noka are you okay? Are you sure you should be out here? How are you feeling? Do you feel sick?"
⁃ Cause Shinsou is a mom
Anyways I have a bunch more hcs but i dont wanna completely bore you. But I was thinking of doing this for Daiki Shirou and Noka as children. Or maybe for Phoebe 😳😳😳 
Comment or send an ask if i should
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jet-bradley · 3 years ago
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spoilered due to its long and kinda annoying
this is a double-edged sword: tron legacy actually imo took a lot from tron 2.0, not just in terms of plot (which it took a lot of imo) but in terms of meaning. but in doing so it watered it down. the easy take here is "they wanted it to be more marketable to a wider audience" but who was tron 2.0 marketed to? people who played shooter games in 2003/4. like, specifically they wanted to compete with halo.
and that obviously gave tron 2.0 some of its flaws (see: mercury looking like that, also whatever the fuck happened with the timing of the xbox release) but i think understanding their niche and embracing it made tron 2.0 one of the most interesting narratives in TRON to me. like, im not even the target audience? but a lot of the themes about technology that the original and legacy deal with are a lot more in-your-face in 2.0.
SPOILERS FOR TRON 2.0 IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH... the game's been out since 2003 but if you're waiting on a sale to buy the game and experience it yourself, you've been warned.
when technology fails in 1982 and legacy, it's because it has a life of its own and it's evil. it might be a Reflection Of The Morals Of The Programmer but ultimately it takes on a life of its own and turns against its creators. almost all of the biggest dangers in tron 2.0, you can point at a human programmer who caused them. alan wasn't able to finish the legacy code update for TRON and that's why it tries to kill flynn. the datawraiths ARE HUMANS working for fcon. thorne was digitized improperly because fcon wanted to experiment on him. we don't know what led to lora's death, but it's written more as a workplace safety accident than "the laser was evil".
that sense of "it's someone's fault if something goes wrong and hurts someone" isn't really said, like, out-loud in 2.0? but it's the thread that connects most of the conflicts in the game. to me it's where the whole "this was written by people who work with computers" is the loudest. it's easy to think of technology as a faceless entity when you didn't have to study computers at all to get to where you are. and thats not like, an insult, or a "learn to code" to the people who wrote 82 and legacy! but the focus on who wrote code that way and why stands out in TRON and i think it comes from the fact that it was made by game developers who program Every Day.
TRON legacy took a few things from TRON 2.0--whatever, it's all TRON anyways--but when they watered it down they took agency away from users' abilities as programmers. in TRON 2.0, alan reprograms TRON to find malicious users in the system, but is forced to can the project while it's half-in development, making the update to TRON attempt to murder any user it sets its eyes on. there's the obvious rinzler parallel here but let's compare it to what happened to CLU. with clu, we know it was flynn's fault, but it's more of a metaphor for parenting than it is about code. it feels like the agency users have doesnt come from their ability to program at all and it's just... well it's not the direction i would have taken.
and, you know, giving the programs more agency isn't a bad thing? it worked really well for uprising, as an example. but when you rip off plot points from tron 2.0 and neuter the fuck out of them and ruin what made them matter in the first place? that's a bruh moment from me.
i think at the end of the day half the reason i like tron 2.0 so much is that it's the branch of the franchise that was the highest % written by programmers. and this isnt in a pretentious way but in a "i think they had a unique perspective on the premise of TRON given that they were making a game about it right after the turn of the 21st century, and it shows" way
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