#and thats all stressful but these changes need to happen and theres a part of me that feels like im making a difference in a big way

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 164

Adjective: Small

Noun: Devil

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Small: of a size that is less than normal or usual; not great in amount, number, strength, or power; not fully grown or developed, or young; (of a voice) lacking strength and confidence; used as the first letter of a word that has both a general and a specific use to show that in this case the general use is intended; insignificant, or unimportant; little, or hardly any; (of a business or its owner) operating on a modest scale; (archaic) low or inferior in rank or position, or socially undistinguished

Devil: (in Christian and Jewish belief) the chief evil spirit, or Satan; an evil spirit, or a demon; a very wicked or cruel person; a mischievously clever or self-willed person; fighting spirit, or wildness; a thing that is very difficult or awkward to do or deal with; (informal) a person with specified characteristics; expressing surprise or annoyance in various questions or exclamations; an instrument or machine fitted with sharp teeth or spikes, used for tearing or other destructive work; (dated) (informal) a junior assistant of a lawyer or other professional

[ieatsaltychildren]

REPLACED

Obey me x replaced!reader

I did use she/her pronouns in this. Theres not a ton of dialogue and was honestly part of a vent💀 Remember that I’m in no way trying to romanticize any of this.

TW!- mentions of an eating disorder, suicide, overdose, death, probs OOC, angst no comfort.

Some songs I listened to while writing this- Rock Bottom-Eminem, The way I am-Eminem, 4 morant- doja cat, Alone-doja cat, 25 to life-eminem. Literally these on repeat😭

Life is hard. We all know this, but why did this have to happen? Why did she have to come along and take them away? Why did they choose to leave me?

I shouldn’t have trusted them. The one time i let my guard down and this happens. Mila, the bitch who took them away. I was nice to her, i tried to be her friend, i wanted to get to know her but apparently she only wanted to see my downfall and the brothers kneeling for her.

I don’t like talking about when she first came, but for the backstory i will. Diavolo thought it would be a good idea to invite another human to be an exchange student. At first i was overjoyed. I wanted to have another human girl to talk to and relate to, but once she showed up everything went wrong. She started framing me for shit she did, and i just stood there and took the scolding i got.

Eventually all the brothers just went to her and ignored me. They only talk to me if they need something done or they yell at me. I still always try to get them to love me, yet i always fail.

She even was able to get the angels, royals, Solomon, mephisto, and even Thirteen and Raphael on her side. Everyone left me. Every day is just a repeat. Wake up late most days, have lucifer remind me of how much of a failure i am, skip breakfast, go to classes, probably skip lunch, go to classes, go back to hol, force myself to eat dinner, eat dinner in my room, and sleep. Every day. Theres nothing to be excited about when i wake up anymore. No more hanging out with mammon, no more being levis player two, no more sleepovers with asmodeus. The only one who remotely cared about me was barbatos. Maybe he could help me get back to the human world but it wouldn’t be any better.

What hurt most was mammon, my first man leaving me. He swore. He fucking swore that he would always love me yet he still left me. We weren’t even dating so why does it have to hurt so much.

Even fucking beelzebub. He always acts so sweet but he left to. They all did. Maybe its good mila came along. She showed me that they weren’t trustworthy. It still hurts though.

I just want it all to be over with. If liliths not gonna kill me then I’ll do it myself.

My lifes been shit anyways. It never got better. It sucks to always wake up stressed. It sucks to always be hoping and praying that ill just die. Mila coming along and replacing me just added onto it.

I have attempted at my life multiple times since she came. Never has it worked. But maybe that will change soon. Maybe that will change tonight. I wonder how long it would take them to even notice, they didn’t notice my failed attempts so why would they notice a successful one. I wonder how they would react, the royals, angels, every single one of them. I already know mila would be happy. Maybe they would feel the same.

The laughter of the brothers and mila snaps me out of my daze. It reminds me of the short lived happiness i once had. The happiness i wish i still had. But soon it would all be over. Once the pills fully kick in I’ll finally be happy.

I have tried overdosing before. It didn’t work last time but it should work now. I have a good feeling. Or maybe thats just the drugs. I didn’t even write a goodbye note to them yet. It��s fine though.

Hearing their laughter in my final moments hurt but felt so good at the same time. It’s kicking in. It’s finally working. Ill be free.

My vision got blurry. I could only hear a distorted version of their voices that eventually faded out. Then it all went black. Its the end

Im free

———————————————————————

It had been a few days since you died. No one knew until 4 days had passed. Mammon needed to borrow money from you for diavolo knows what.

He knocked on your door “Y/nnn, open up I need to ask ya somethin”

No response

He knocked again and yelled “y/n?”

No response

So he went to tell lucifer. I don’t know if he intended on telling on you or was concerned. Probably the first option.

“Lucifer, y/n won’t open her door”

“What do you want me to do about it?” Lucifer sighed sick of his brother’s shit.

“I just need to get some grimm from her”

“Just go in. She’s probably just sleeping”

“Fine then” mammon replied starting to walk out the door.

As he approached your door he got a certain nervous feeling. He just ignored it, nothing bad could happen, right? Wrong.

As soon as he opened your door he saw you dead on the floor, drug bottle in hand.

He stood there frozen. How could this happen?? He was supposed to protect you. He was your first man. He hopes you were just passed out but deep down he knew.

He ended up calling for his brothers. This is the one time they really actually looked at you in months, hell almost a year. Mila was happy, as expected but she covered it up with tears.

Soon solomon, the royals, and angels showed up. Raphael, thirteen, and mephisto even showed up.

They all realized how shitty they treated you. They realized how badly they fucked up.

———————————————————————

I might honestly make another ending where y/n keeps pushing and ends up fucking mila up or goes back to the human world and tries to get her shit straight. Im not sure tho. Might do how they would react too y/n dying AND where you went after you died. I wrote this for 3 hours straight😭😭😭 my hands are cramping

MAYBE THE END

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[streamdotpng]

Pork soda by glass animals but make it enid x cairo during the later times of the ortegaverse

Thats right guys, we're bringing back crime boss enid

She's alot colder now after losing her first bitten mate but there's still that tiny hopeless romantic in her that truly makes her enid and it shows when she thinks back on what her and cairo is

It started with enid not at all knowing what she got into. Its to be expected, its only been a year or two since mabel and she was struggling with no money

Cairo happened once or twice when she caught enid with a bottle in some cheap dive bar. It made things feel simpler, like she was some college student stressing over the inability to do tests

But then enid got reminded of the gaping hole of the crimeworld and she really.... She couldnt help it. She had to take the plunge. She needed to do it, not for her but for May.

Timeskip a year or two and here they are now.

She can still love. Ofcourse she can but there will always be a part of her that aches for mabel and she knows that. Nobody could replace her wife but maybe just maybe she can try to open herself one last time

Its unfortunate that cairo can be such a damn brat once things became serious.

Enid gets it, she does. She ran alot too but things are different now. She has a family now, a little babe to watch over and if she has to ache a bit more to keep this family going then she will. Its callous, its mean and its cold. She wasnt like this, she wasnt supposed to be like this

But she is and she cant change it now, not when its working

Because cairo stays.

She is a beautiful songbird with an open gilded cage and she stays.

Good.

Whatever this is, it wasnt what a younger her wouldve wanted.

There is no whispered assurances against her skin, not in the way that is domestic and truly love. Its not unconditional, not like it was with mabel.

But nobody can replace mabel and nobody can turn back time.

So maybe theres no harm in loving like this for just a bit longer.

[beyondtheglowingstars]

Ok!! Now that my questions have been answered- could I request a fic or some headcanons (either or, i dont mind) with Warriors from Linked Universe with a gender neutral s/o who's been really burntout recently? Like maybe s/o is like some sort of publisher or scholar for the royal family or sm and has been working non-stop and now suddenly they're just exhausted and can't find the energy to keep working-

Wars, being the good boyfriend he is, realises his s/o has been hauled up in their study not really coming out for anything but food, water etc.

so a little scenario of wars going to check up on them would be nice<3 something fluffy and comforting with just a hint of angst if you rly squint ya know?

If theres smt you wanna change or dont want to do then thats fine! Take your time with it :>

I look forward to seeing what you do! and thanks for responding to my questions earlier

Hi hi! Sorry once again for this being late, but I hope you like it and that it maybe brightened your day even if just slightly.

Thank you for such nice words! They're a huge motivator for me.

Warriors with a burnt-out s/o (hcs)

You were feeling burnt-out? And were stressing so much that you hadn't been coming out for anything other than fulfilling your basic needs?? Warriors just wouldn't allow that. Not a chance.

If only you had seen his face when Zelda let him know what was happening. She was genuinely concerned for your well being and tried to help you several times, but she truly knew Link was the only remedy to the problem.

Warriors would immediately go back to the chain not to ask for permission from Time, he would basically give the command himself that they would stay near the castle for as long as it took for you to feel better.

He didn't tell them this, but if it bothered anyone, then they could go on without him and he'd join back until he knew you were doing better.

Time understood the power that love had over people, and guessed that it may not be so bad for them to take some time off, so he didn't protest. He'd make sure to keep some of the boys away from Warriors and you as much as he could so you had some time together.

Warriors would gently knock the door to your room while calling you your affectionate nickname.

The first thing that happens after opening that door is you getting scooped in his strong arms and being given two smooches. One on your forehead and another on your lips.

He sits down with you and holds you close, asking about how you've been doing while he was gone.

If you wanted to talk or vent for a while, he'll sit there without problem and listen to all you have to say, maybe shedding a tear or two himself if you need to cry. He'll give you a nice, tender kiss at the end.

If you don't wanna share much, that's okay too. He'll lovingly tell you more reassuring words than you can think of and will keep holding you for as long as you need.

Don't think he doesn't have any more to offer, he's very excited to gift you everything he's gotten for you in his travels.

He's taking you out to the town after that.

Whatever is it that you want from the vendors, he'll get it for you.

He'd be telling you about the most fun parts of his adventure, making sure to make it as entertaining as he can.

When you crack a big smile he's gonna feel the proudest he ever has.

He'd be so happy to see that you're finally enjoying yourself. He knows very well why it's so important to take your mind off of responsibilities every once in a while.

After a long day, he's taking you back to your room and spoiling you as much as he can.

He knew you'd be tired, so he may have asked for help from one of the castle maids before he saw you earlier in the day. You come back to find everything spotless and tidy.

Before you have any time to ask him what is it that he did, he's already making you comfortable and getting your sleeping clothes.

He's cuddling with you to sleep. Doesn't matter if you're the big or small spoon, he's just content to be close to you and knowing that you're feeling better now.

He wishes he could stay by your side from that day on and forget about everything else, but he knows he's gonna have to leave soon, and is preparing for it.

In the meantime, he'd make sure you both enjoy your time together as much as possible.

[heroictoonz]

not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

[divorcingjimmatthews]

season 2 episode 5 reactions as i watch

huge spoilers obviously

(this is mostly for myself to have somewhere to scream as i go, its LONG AF youve been warned)

RANDALL IS SCARING ME SO MUCH LIKE PLEASE DONT BANG ON STUFF WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE THE TALISMAN FALL I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WITH THIS SCENE. RANDALL STOP STOP STOP YOURE GOING TO DIE DUDE

(straight up cant watch the rest of the episode because i paused it and cant bring myself to unpause lmaooo. from ends here for me i guess)

ok its over thank god

JADE STOP DRINKING SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN. hes even sleeping with the fucking journal like please he needs 20 interventions

also dammit he actually moved to the bar i accidentally manifested it LMAO

can the show please stop torturing this man with the hallucinations please and thank you

TABITHA IS IN MAMA WOLF MODE LETS GO

boyd defending sara... knowing what happened to his wife and what she did... oh man. this hurts. knowing tabitha also lost a child before turns the intensity of all this to eleven millions

LMAO ok someone calling tabitha out for her basement hole and its consequences at long last. i love tabitha but like it has to be acknowledged

"That part i cant help you with" dang Good Line

honestly cant even imagine how sara is feeling i dont know what id be doing in her situation like just watching it stresses me so much.

ETHAN BABY :'(((( im sobbing

KRISTI IS SO PRETTY oh my god i am so bisexual right now. she cant just do this. the shirtttt. i think im seeing the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world

dhsjfhsh marielle doing the same thing with the shirt that i had the reader do in my fic i cant even

"For a long time it smelled like you. Now it just smells" i laughed so hard

"Youre still you" 🥺

SARA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO GET K oh yeah wait she probably is

oh its her house ok god i thought she'd gone to the matthews'

NEW HOUSE WHO DIS

cant belive an extra got one of the few houses this is so funny to me for no reason

this scene gosh. ouch. ouch. im taking 2 damage per second watching this episode

JADE. the bottles. jade my beloved this is point of no return level stuff. mrs Liu please come get him home

VICTOR

victoooor

"You dont look good" im losing it

thank you victor

victor 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him. the sweetest

JADE IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU DONT BE LIKE THISSS

"WAIT" i fucking cant i love this man

"This took me all fucking night" jade never stop being the funniest mf on the planet please

jim calling tabitha tabby is so sweet it got me

"Faith. In you" oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy oh man. This scene. How is this show hitting every singe fucking note.

donna brought up abby omgomg

OK BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE THIS TIME

(maybe)

(arghhhh this is so hard)

"only monsters live in the woods" ethan i love everything you say. go my boy

(sara voice) okay

"The trees theyre changing" i love how victor is 100% harmless but could NOT be any more ominous lmaooo

CAR GRAVEYARD

"When i was alone i moved the cars because i didnt want to see them. Theres a lot more behind the rocks but those were already here" GODDAMMIT

no but victor is literally the sweetest man on earth. you were rightfully angry victor !! jade now you apologise.

"okay" ill kill him

victor sitting on the car 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im going to cry

what a scene. my god.

SARA HAS ONLY BEEN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

"Do you live here in town" ELGIN i love you

poor julie if she knew her crush is out there flirting with the local murderer

"I like what i like and i like owls" based. thats me writing 300 jade posts per day

oh boy this scene (me about every scene)

"THAT PART ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT LIKE WISHFUL THINKING TO ME" im. ill be processing for 3 years

"Did you do something that needs forgiving?" elgin my sweet boy

jim rightly proud of his badass kid

"you put hate inside me" :'(

is she gonna give her her stuff damn shes too nice

a part of me is feeling like shes gonna smash it tho lmao

SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU MRS LIU

i am starting to assume that everyone forgot about tobey so jade is never even gonna know that it was sara lmao

KENNY

oh my god kenny

im hurt seeing him so hurt

TOWNSPEOPLE CAN WE GIVE KENNY A BREAK OVER HERE PLEASE WHAT R U STARING AT HES VERY RIGTHFULLY MAD HE HAS EVERY RIGHT

oh elgin

elgin youre too sweet

elginnnnn

everyones gonna hate you elgin 😭😭😭 i am suffering for you

KRISTI BECAME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

now please do jade

"KRISTI WHERE ARE YOU GOING BABY STOP"

KRISTI NO NO NOOOOOO

i love her so much

"People liked him, then he changed" dont do this to me

"I am at the end of my rope" oh god

TABITHA??????

holy fucking shit im going to die of heart attack

this doesnt have captions i dont know what the creepy ghost children are saying

I WAS LITERALLY THINKING I WISHED TABITHA AND JADE WOULD INTERACT AND LOOK AT THIS NOW

i knew jim would not vote box lets goo

BOYD WHY

Randall ????

OKAY that tabitha and marielle scene from last episode was bothering me so much i cant believe i didnt think of this

what an episode my god

[desiresign]

had a dream where i was hecatia, and its always super fun when my brain forces me to kin a character in the dream world, this one was kind of odd however

it started off as a dont starve dream i think? i dont rmemeber any of the details. i just know at some point everything changed. and now, we're somewhere completely different. like a neon world, like an arcade or something. theres all of us... the touhous. and theres a sense of danger, more like a sense of wrongness.

eventually, theres a new place we are in, where it becomes clearer as i (hecatia) look at the scenery and realize more things are wrong. this time it was sort of a convention look. we are being played with like toys, where our characters, setting, and personalities change to the whim of the Player. But everyone else had no idea and thought everything was real, i was the only one. so i had to pretend to be normal. i think the "Player" was yukari. so i was looking for any gaps, any sneakiness to spot.

but..junko was there too! and she was like me.. so we needed to stick by eachother without suspicion. there was a bathroom with a shower so we snuck in there together. um, yeah and took shower also, it was gay -_- literally was like um junko can i shampoo your hair for you guys i think it was kind of homosexual (it literally was) (kissing) (GAYS EX?no that part didnt happen in the dream)

anyway we come out of the bathroom one at a time to not be suspicious of going in at the same time and the only one this confuses is Janitor Nitori but its brief and whatver. the scene changes again. its dark, and snowy, in front of a big mansion house. various other characters are doing yardwork in the front. which is pretty funny consider all the snow but whatever.

it seems like im sneaking in. my outfit, is prime hecatia kin material: a buttoned up long sleeve plaid striped shirt, with very short shorts. again i must state it was snowy and cold. anyways, i manage to reunite with junko. and we're gay about it for a bit in the backyard, away from anyone else.

again. short shorts in the snow. come on girl. there was more kissing and gay mwah mwah

anyways, clownpiece is there too, but shes still in Being A Littlest Pet Shop mode. we somehow manage to convince her everything is an illusion and she joins us. (daughter).

this is all i remember

also afterwards had a stress dream about some difficulty thats happening with my proxy service right now which is funny graaaagh dearest OP please respond to booth messages please i need you bestie please

well yeah

[wally-franks]

hiii hi im here with my liddol hcs for u... looks up at u with my big sad wet eyes. this is my silly little au ,,, i love urs tho n would love to hear the angst bcos. theres so much angst i left out too fjrjfhie

ok so WALLY- little guy but absolutely not stupid. like he knows whats going on BUT hes just. a little silly sometimes. low braincells but can piece stuff together and is careful. carries a knife with him. does not want to get into trouble (excluding pranks ofc. loves them) uh. 147cm, transmasc, and pan. his hat is very important. i actually just finished making his hat but thats a different thing fhjrjf

talks a LOT and has a gossip group with norman n susie. but its all in good fun. n u know thomas is him boyfriend. they pretend to be Mortal Enemies but at home they r so so soft... they must put up a front at work because they are scared of how they'll look in front of other ppl. if only they knew that probably like 2 ppl total in jds were cishet fbjrj,, he has that audhd and his silly little catchphrase is everything ok.

thomas- too tall bites him. i mean. ahem. 183cm and bisexual. very closed off from people but will not hesitate to confront people. very touchy about the machine cos its his "best creation" or whatever. ok stupid college boy but go off ig. (i love him sm)

basically just there to get work done. he acts smart, looks smart, but hes "stupid"... not in the way of logically stupid, he is just very silly sometimes. also he smokes. i mean have u HEARD his voice (affectionate) he has 5 older brothers n his family is very sweet i think. gnaws on the thomas plush part twenty million

and finally SAMMY- very very stressed so he yells a lot BUT he does a softer side in private. he just needs to front as mean and irritating with everyone to keep his image up :(( grr squishes him very hard. transmasc and gay bc. he just is. does not like joey but then again in my au nobody really does but thats ok<3 back to sammy the babygirl. he is 168cm and his "partner" is jack... but we all know... the silly... also probably helped johnny learn the organ/piano. because it needs to happen

if u want 2 know more or have any questions my dms are open >:3c sorry for th ramble!!! fjrjeh

Hii!!  I'm so sorry this took so long to get toooooo. I had to inhale this text for a bit and let it sog into my brain xD I always need a bit to take in muchhhhooss information (nothing bad btw just me being me hehe)

AND YEAHHH.. I should maybe talk more about angst. But at the same time I'm like. Naurrrr... Naurrrr... I really live by "there's always so much negativity and sadness in this world, no need to add more to it" SO I ALWAYS HESITATE SHARING ANGST AND SAD THINGS!! CUZ I'M LIKE!!  WHY BE SAD IF I CAN HAVE FUN STUFF WITH STUFF THAT MAKES ME HAPPY </3 + most of it is just killing and torture anyway and euhm. Those tend to trigger ehm negative stuffs in me anyway :') Mostly just hallucinations and shit thoughts but!! You know, when there's a good time to share some of that stuff, I will!! :3 or maybe I share more about my toon Alice. She's a bit more tame about with that stuff. Anyhow. This is about YOU and not me. Soooo I'll go now through your stuff >:)

Wally being like that is true, that really fits to him!! He's just a silly that takes his his time to piece stuff together and that is okay :3

And OMG, mine also carries a knife around :D I just think it makes so much sense for hi to do so.... He's encountered moving ink puddles before, might just aswell carry a knife til. I feel like it also makes more sense after we saw his hat and a knife at artists rests (+ the April fools video hehe). Also, him being transmasc and pan is so funny because my old version of wally used to be exactly that aswell!!  :D I changed that though, but again something very fitting for him. I loev your wally. He's so silly. AND SMALL!!!???  like damn OMG I didn't expect him to be that tiny. I could just launch him /lh

(Wally being a little gossip girly pop is so funny and real HAHAHA )

Thomas's and Wally,s relationship being like that is exactly how I envisioned it xD I love that for them so much.

And.. DAMN!! IM ALMOST AS TALL AS THOMAS BOY!! I thought yours would have been MUCH taller. Guess I was wrong. That's so interesting.

Also yeah... He definitely smokes. He smokes so damn much, probably several packs a day LMFOA. It's not to miss with a voice like that xD. You'd have to be insane to not think that.

Besides, BIG FAM FOR THOMAS ALSO MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!!

SAMMY BOY!!! SAMMY BOY!! I've been so keen on hearing about him!!!!! Wa'hh!!  We love publicly intimidating and soft at home Sammy I love that so so so so so much waghahahhhh!! And he's also way smaller than I thought,!! Another suprise here :D but nothing bad. Just me being like woah??  In taller than him. ALSO, HIM AND JACK BEING A THING?? YAY!! I LOVE SAMMY AND JACK TOGEZHER WJAJAJAJ AND OHOHOHH JOHNNY MOMENT. JOHNNY MENTIONED *POINTSSS*

AND YEAH I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I WANNA KNOW MORE. AND DON'T BE SORRY I LOVED THIS SO MUCH.. ERMMMM. IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK MORE ABOUT YOUR JOHNNY *twirls hair* I'd love to know what he's up to in your AU. Where he's mostly at!! Mine is first at the music department but then gets moved down to lacie and Bertrum, so I'd love to know where yours at!! And his personality too. That's the thing that interests me the most!!! Giving a character who has no info at all jngame a personality is always so cool and interesting to see :D everyone has like their own way of seeing and imagining characters.. I'd die to know how yours is!!!!

[just-more-trolls]

dumb fantroll ask meme, odd numbers for wyllow

Ok so this is gonna be Long’un I’m gonna put everything under cut

1.  Biggest pet peeves? How much do they annoy you? Are they bad enough to be a deal breaker if someone you were interested did them?

“okay so..im a very patient person and i understand self-loathing..”

“but i have my limits..im not here for a pity-party please dont lament how much of a pathetic asshole you are expecting me to help you only to ignore any advice i give you and continue to lament your shitty life where nothing good happens ever ok???”

“...ok so that was..a rant...uhm...my pet peeve is when people don’t want to crawl out of the pit they’re in..or downright refuse to..mainly because they like the attention..”

3. What are your turn on’s turn off’s? 

“tha-..thats a little personal hello?????”

“i choose to not answer that!!”

5. What is your least favorite and favorite parts of your body? Any feature you pride yourself on? Then least favorite would you change it if you could? 

“my favorite parts? uhm..my horns i guess? and my hips”

“my least favorite are my eyes because i need glasses to see..id change that if i could i guess”

7. What is your least favorite food and why? 

“i cant stand bitter greens like baby spinach..or kale..its just not what my tastebuds like..”

“and venison makes me legitimately ill..like bad stomach ache levels of sick..”

9. What are any tics you might have? Any nervous habits? 

“under extreme amounts of stress ive been told i get the antlerbeast-in-headlights look complete with freezing..”

“im real bad about picking at the skin on my fingers especially if im real anxious..to the point of bleeding sometimes..but it keeps me from picking on the threads of my clothes until theyre unraveling..”

11. What is your earliest memory? Is it a happy or a sad one. 

“my EARLIEST memory is of finding my ancestors hive..and consequently also finding my ancestors journals on herbology and botany..and its a happy one because its what jumpstarted my own career in it~”

13. If you could have any super power what would it be? 

“i want to command plants!!”

15. What would you do with the ability to see ghosts? Would they scare you or would you be interested in them? 

“id ask them about their life..or help them move on if they dont realize theyre dead..id also keep journals of everything i was told; preservation of history and all that”

17. How good a liar are you? How often do you lie to others. 

“i cant lie for the life of me..like ill withhold the truth but straight up lie?? id die from the guilt.......or by the hands of whomstever i lied to”

19. How far would you go to be perfect? Are you ok with flaws? 

“perfection is an impossibility”

“...that being said uhm..that depends on the..flaw i think..and flaws are subjective..that being said if a flaw is actively harmful to the individual or anyone around them im not as okay..if that makes sense?”

21. How much do you sleep? What is your typical night time routine? 

“a full eight hours~! night time routine is typical: wash up, brush up, jammies on.. i have a cup of tea before bed and i read a little until im done”

23. How good are you with choices? Is it easy to make decisions or do you struggle with them? 

“i...suck at choices if im under pressure to make them.. decisions arent too hard but if there’s weight to them its definitely a lot harder on me..”

25. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Do you regret it? 

“..........theres not a night goes by i dont regret it”

27. How good are you with computers? How much do you use them in every day life? 

“fairly often! i mean im no savant but i know my way around a palmhusk or a tablet”

29. If you knew you had less then a sweep left to live how would you use it? 

“probably by myself.. id quietly wrap up my assets..tend to my garden up until’ my final night before laying myself in the largest patch of flowers and herbs to be consumed by the earth as a way to give back”

31. Which would you prefer you dying before your loved ones, or them dying before you?

“uhm..probably them dying before i would..to spare them the grief”

33. What are your stances on the spectrum? 

“in a social standpoint or a biological standpoint??”

“biologically i lowkey enjoy the diversity..how each group has something unique to them like the lower spectrum of trolls having a higher possibility of psionics..or purples with chucklevoodoos..”

“socially i really wish there wasnt such a divide..and its not like we have a choice in the matter were forced based on our blood color to fall into a certain level of financial and social hierarchy as a form of control and division..”

“honestly if i could give away all my money and not automatically get a refill i would..”

35. If you were empress for a day what would you do? 

“upend the status quo and dismantle the hierarchy..”

“..also give lowbloods a lot of money to live comfortably so they can begin the careers they wanted to do but never had the means to do them”

37. What do you fear loosing most? A possession, your senses, loved one, ect?

“the thing i fear most is losing someones trust in me...to irreparably damage a relationship with no hope of returning...ha..”

39. What is your biggest dream in life and how far would you go to obtain it. 

“i dont know...im pretty content in my life as it is; i have my shop..my garden..my hobbies..i just wish i had someone to share all of this with i guess”

41. Are there any people in your life you miss? What would you do if you could see them again? 

“....apologize..”

43. Do you consider yourself a material troll? If giving up every thing you owned meant eternal happiness would you do it?

“as cluttered and material-filled as my hive is i could give it all up if it meant id find eternal happiness..”

“..that being said i do fear losing everything ive worked on because i..kind of lack a fallback plan..”

[schreie]

thats it i need to refocus. idont need either dick from that autistic guy who doesnt know how to be smooth& flirty OR guy who is fun but ultimately dgaf abt me or is good in bed (which is related). i need to lose weight& get fit& establish a healthy lifestyle!!! & focus on ME!!!! no more ordering food like fr even when im hungover or depressive i should be able to at leasr buy smth at the supermarket i can make quickly. im a good cook!! i finally need to get that workout routine down. i need to stretch evveryday my body feels like shit. how do i have hours to scroll on my phone & watch tv but not at least TEN minutes each day to stretch?? come on doesnt matter how tired i can stretch for 10 fucking minutes even on a busy or sad or stressful day. it fucking helps idiot… when i manage that i should work towards doing yoga & building muscle at least 4-5 times a week. & get back totaking long ass walks on the weekend. get my steps up!! i got lost in the sauce again those last few weeks but icant keep going like this. im finally ready to admit im a lazy brat& i cant keep making excuses bcos of trauma& mental illness. it aint getting better when im not even able to do those little acts of selfcare that is preparing fresh food& stretching everyday. theres no point starving myself either bcos it will only make me bad at my job which will stress me& ill be even more tired & most importantly i will gain all the weight back like i did last time. idont wanna be miss ana i wanna be healthy… i wanna take care of myself. nobody else will!!! i need to start taking ritalin everyday to balance out my energy during the day& to curb my appetite since stress& boredom make me binge food like crazy. whats keeping from that?! maybe i should consider doing the unthinkable & buying decaf bcos thats rly the thing keeping me from taking my dumb meds which actually help me everyday. i just love coffee too much& it doesnt work well with the ritalin. plus ion even need to worry abt sleep bcos i got these awesome sleeping pills. idont even need to smoke weed to fall asleep so why cant i cut it out more often? bcos i got too little energy to do anything after work. might as well smoke. also i get angry sad & irritated whenever idont smoke for 2-3 days. well maybe if i didnt smoke everyday& took my ritalin & sleeping pills i would have more energy so i can cook& do yoga or go to the gym in the evening instead of rotting in front of the tv until its time for bed… at least every other evening. if i would abstain from weed even every other day that would make a huge difference already& maybe from there i could reduce even more. & i need to quit drinking by myself. again!!! or more than once or twice a week honestly. at least until they invent calorie free alcohol lol! dont even get me started on how little i draw & read & do all the other creative& important things that matter to me. ugh how will i ever get back into voluntary work & activism if i cant even manage to cook& stretch for myself?! how am i supposed to help others when im failing myself this badly?! yeah shit has happened& its not fair. yes im suffering. but im only making it worse by refusing to discipline myself& control my impulses. well bitch guess what!!! changing ur life means changing ur habits & that takes a lot of effort & discomfort at first. ofc nothing will change if i buckle at the first inconvenience or bad feeling. i need to learn to endure uncomfortable feelings. its a part of life& i cant be reaching for substances at the smallest inconvenience for the rest of my life. its been a catastrophe for me that ive gone from i wanna kill myself to i wanna die. now im not planning my suicide but i live in a way that is slowly killing me so i dont get old. i still dont wanna get old & thats cool im gonna take that step eventually but how abt taking care of myself better until then???? death will come soon enough

[babymorte]

Oh all of my 7 days to die experience is going to come back to royally fuck me in the ass with these games ... I'm so used to seeing the bad guys and running at them instead of runnning away from them ...

Better go get some brown pants for these ... this is going to be interesting ...

also, why wouldn't I want to get you started on your opinions? I like hearing your opinions, else a sheep wouldn't have asked ... and I know you're going to spill your soul about it, but I'll be damned if I'm not here for it

ive never played that but i always wanted to...i think i have it on ps5 through ps+ but i could be wrong...ive heard it was pretty decent though...or at the very least ive been told its right up my street. im the complete opposite. resi has me not killing anything in games, running past them, hoarding everything and never saving or healing. apparently its stressful watching me play games. i dont die often in survival horrors though so im doing something right...shooters though? i leroy jenkins the shit out of those and get my bum beat royally. like me trying to solo halo was an absolute nightmare. like for as okay as i am at stealth and horror games thats how bad i am at shooters. my brain just cant compute.

if you really wanna get scared try out visage. its a spiritual successor to pt and its absolutely fucking horrifying. like i couldnt finish it because it gave me such anxiety...well they also took it off gamepass but thats besides the point. its still a great atmospheric horror with not a lot of jumpscares the horror is subtle and it does a really good job at just keeping you on edge and keeping the super scary things in places you least expect it. theres also some puzzles and stuff too so its not entirely a walking sim since i know a lot of people dont really like them for some reason.

oh my opinions on re3 remake are very unpopular and ive gotten into it with a lot of peopel because a lot of the issues they have are hypocritical...im a bit of a resi snob. its not that i want to be im just very passionate about it and i dont like when people complain about things solely to complain which happened a lot with the re3 remake...a lot of bandwagon jumping happened to say the least. like the main issue was all the cut content like the clock tower and the dead factory and a bunch of the puzzles. but the content they took out was all content that fans notoriously hated because it ruined the pace of the game or was too difficult. but once they removed said content it instantly becamse everyones favourite part and they lost their shit over it. ive always liked the clock tower because you get to watch it deteriorate throughout your time spent there but it does drag on so i always understood why people didn't like it. but it annoys me that people immediate will turn hypocritical just so they can be difficult and complain. re3 remake could have been longer and there are some things i would definitely change and add (og re3 is my favourite in the og trilogy) but i understand why they took out the things they did because they needed to connect re2 remake to re4 remake in both story and gameplay and i think for what its worth re3 did a pretty good job. the lore is there and spot on, the combat is still punchy and super fun to do knife runs with, the unlockables are some of the most fun ive had in a resi ng+ and its honestly just fun for speed runs since it is a shorter game....thats another thing. people complain how short it is but the og is a short game too so like i dont get what the issue is there...i dont know...i have a lot of opinions but im also heavily biased so i often come off cunty when im talking about it. re3 remake and outbreak are the two games i have the biggest issues with as far as fan opinions. i cannot stand fan opinions on outbreak and honestly...i think outbreak is overrated...even more so than og re4...but i digress.....i dont know i think re3 remake is a great combo of action and horror without being too difficult except on inferno mode...nemmy's final form is rage inducing and it almost made me rage quit going for the s rank...managed to get it though....havent played inferno since...but you can unlock these coins that give you a defence and damage boost that help you so so much in the harder difficulites cuz otherwise its basically a one bite kill on inferno which i fell like only bawkbasoup can do easily without any other the unlockables...dude is a freaking beast.

[hffnjue4y]

my mood is unstable these days.

some days i feel like im on cloud 9. everything is perfect. we have hardships ahead, but theyre all manageable and worth it. they feel far away, and unclear. on those days, i cant even grasp what it is about her im so stressed about.

and then, like a switch, it can change. i feel unsure, stressed. it usually happens when we dont talk (she’s asleep right now) things feel hopeless, everything feels pointless. it’s like im exposed to a side of the world i never had to consider before- through her eyes. how much she was hurt, how much shes still hurting. how much she has to deal with. and it hurts me. i wanna live in oblivion again sometimes. i didnt know how much of this world i wasnt seeing before.

i tried talking to other people, they often make things worse- i dont wanna feel like i have to defend this relationship. i want people to be happy for us, not worry about me. and i know typing that makes it all sound incredibly abusive, which it isnt. i dont know what to do anymore.

i love her so much. i think i need to address that attachment we have. this often overwhelms me just how much she occupies my mind, her, our relationship. i think im starting to understand what she told me back then- about how loving fictional characters means theres no expectations back. they cant disappoint you. real people are way harder. and i think i didnt know it so far cause i never let myself truly attach to anyone.

now there are stakes. we’re both emotionally involved, to a point where we can hurt each other a lot. and thats scary.

i worry about her being “unregulated” but then again, am i regulated? my mood swings so dramatically. i overthink. i talk too much about this relationship but no one seem to understand. im confused. im not sure what i want in life anymore. i want to be away from here, i want her close with all my family and friends. i want her, im scared of her (our relationship and attachment). i get really nervous and anxious around fights, aggression, loud noises, and sometimes she triggers it.

i dont want to stress her out anymore. she’s doing good these days, and i think this stress will pass shortly. i dont feel like bringing her down with my uncertainty and doubts all the time- im afraid she might think im gonna leave her. we need to fix our trust, but i think only time will tell here.

talking with mom today freaked me out. she doesnt seem to trust this relationship will last. mom’s view of my girlfriend means the world to me. i wish they could meet. im afraid that when they meet mom wont like her, or worst, shed think she isnt good for me. im afraid shes seeing things that i dont. but she also doesnt have the full picture.

i dont know how much of things right now come from the fact that im unemployed, but at my grandparents place, feeling directionless. i think i might be depressed. and someone i love is so far away, its almost impossible to cross that distance without committing in a way. so of course its scary.

today i woke up from a nap feeling pretty bad. i missed her texts and the part of me that still hangs to her desperately wants to spend every moment together.

HOW. DO. I. MAKE. THIS. HEALTHY?

was this doomed from the start?

whos to say whats healthy and whats not?

are these fears common, because im new to relationships of this level?

if i have the thought, does it mean its true?

things to do:

- do. not. put. your. emotional. well. being. after. anyone. elses.

- trust you gut??? i have no idea anymore, this changes every day.

- mental illness isnt the end of the world. it makes things hard for her, yes, but its not unlivable. trust her to do her best and support her.

[polandspringz]

vent//

wrote this in my planner and probably should just keep it to myself but i like the feeling of yelling into the void, bc most ppl won’t click on a vent post but theres the destructive self satisfaction of the belief that maybe someone will- anyway, my normal method of dealing with these feelings is to warp them into a self indulgent fanfic that changes enough about what im thinking so that its not accusatory, but helps me by just getting my thoughts out but gives me an uplifting feeling, a better conclusion to whatever im frustrated about (if you read my designing in devildom fic, the birthday fic from last year was an example of that) anyway, if you see any weirdly flowery phrases in this vent (to whoever is actually reading this, hello) its sort of my way to also practice my writing, because i cannot write or think without a voice telling me i’m on a stage and need to tell someone or have someone listen, and there it is again

anyway for the third time, that’s sort of what this vent is about- the core of it really. im just a college student whose very lonely near the end of her week in the dorms. ive been very frustrated as of late because i tried to get out a competition project my professor suggested i do but i wasnt forceful enough and now theyre doubling down on me doing it; its weird because last year this time around i was lunging at every possible opportunity, but now i don’t want anything to do with it. so i’ve been anxious about that all day. i also start work tomorrow as an assistant to said professor, and that’s also stressing me out partially. i cried during a class w/ another professor bc i was just so stressed and overthinking my lack of creativity, but, well, you know the word that’s coming next. anyway-

anyway anyway, back to being lonely. it’s been a feeling thats been building up since the pandemic, and i know everyone experienced it to some extent, and outside of the pandemic, everyone experiences it to some extent as they get older. HS friends part ways as college happens, but its still distressing. for me, first one friend went away, then it was two. granted, i had already been feeling the 2nd friendship fray, so that one hasn’t been that painful, but it’s been the successive ones in recent months. one of my friends get medicine for their focus, and i hate to say this, but they’ve become a boring person. they don’t have time to watch things anymore, all they do is work, work, work. the one thing we had started to really bond over, anime, they now have no time for. and it gets tiring staring back at days and weeks of unanswered messages even when you’re only sending them something funny you know they would appreciate

and its that same sort of feeling for the other friendships that ive been feeling stressed about. i know that other ppl get burnt out too and im supposed to respect people’s need to space, i understand that, and it’s because i understand that that i keep feeling guilty over being upset. i want to stress to the imaginary audience that its not just one message goes unanswered and i get upset, its days of it. when it goes from someone you used to talk to 24/7 to nothing, it can be shocking, and this pattern has been happening to me for a while. in a way, i suppose i do have trauma associated with it (little t trauma for clarification) because i had a friend in middle school that I drifted apart from mid high school because we were at separate schools, and they stopped talking to me slowly until something happened when we tried to hang out that really upset me, and i got mad about it but didn’t communicate it well and then we barely spoke again. i don’t like internalizing these feelings, but i don’t know how to bring these things up without berating myself for not respecting people’s space and then i continue to spiral. but anyway, i got off track again-

with my other friendships, its the same sort of thing. one of the reasons i question whether im neurodivergent or not is because in the past few years i have felt myself being overly conscious of social situations. i think about maintaining eye contact as i do it, i tell myself to nod and smile and react to things people say. i realized at sometime in hs that i needed to be more equivalent exchange about things with my friends, and i hate feeling like this but its almost like a tally system in my head- for everything i ask my friends to watch i try and watch or do something for them to even out the friendship, because otherwise i feel like im too overwhelming, i need to restrain myself because otherwise they’ll get annoyed that everything’s always about ME, and i don’t want my friends to dislike me, i want them to be my friends, so it really hurts me when ive been putting in a lot of mental work to try and “be a good friend” so i don’t upset ppl and then i don’t receive that back or at least not in the exchange i expected; i.e. we watch a show you like, now we watch one i like, i give you a gift, you give me a gift back eventually (does not need to be physical gift, some acknowledgement, some thank you, etc.) i mention shows in particular since im normally recommending anime to ppl frequently, and i know it probably doesn’t show bc it seems like i recommend everything i watch that i like, but i really do think a lot about whether a show has something in it my friends would like- even if its not their normal genre, i see there’s something in it, a dynamic, the artwork, something, and there was a time where it felt like ppl were almost making a joke out of telling me No everytime i tried to recommend them something, like it was funny to shut me down like that, but luckily i have moved past that feeling

but anyway, right now im just lonely. tired of seeing my own messages staring back at me. i want replies to my messages, but then i feel guilty, that its not deserved, because there are times where i dont reply to those that were also sent. its that equivalent exchange thing again, where i cant be mad because even though i am experiencing this x amount of times, i did the same thing y amount of times, so i shouldnt be mad because it’s normal. but im just lonely. i dont really have friends on campus yet, not any true friends that im not desperately trying to appear normal around (the way i try and act SO normal around my roommate is insane). the people that i do know on campus always forget to make plans when they say we should. the clubs i try to join end up giving me more anxiety than fun. i eat alone in the dining hall, i walk alone to class among the groups of friends. i have eaten two meals with other people on campus by plan/coincidence since september. it hit me today that registration for the fall and housing would be beginning soon, and i had the realization that i don’t know what one of my friend’s, one of the few that are still in state, will be doing after they finish up there work at their current college and need to transfer somewhere. they will probably be going to join my other two friends out of state. its not my life so it’s not my decision to have a part in, and i didnt feel bitter when i realized that they probably wont be joining me at my school since registration is so soon, but i did feel sad. i dreamt about another hs friend last night who i have long since lost contact with. i don’t know what im going to be doing when i get out of school

random other vent to end on, but i cant stop thinking about stickers. ive been internalizing this as well, but going back to the gift giving thing, ive been very frustrated bc someone offered to buy me stickers for my birthday last month, so i sent them a list. they asked for my list again, forgetting that i had already gave it to them. i resent it. days went by and nothing, i knew they were forgetting, but it was too awkward to bring up, and i felt selfish and awful for keeping track of it in my head. eventually, i had an impulse purchase want, and they said they would buy that for me instead. i was torn, bc while i wanted the new item, i was upset that they had forgotten again about the stickers. i really had wanted them, and i wasnt able to buy them myself because the shipping was expensive, but for a birthday gift i reasoned that it would be acceptable since it was only a few items. i decided on the trade off of the new item, thinking the person would remember it better. they forgot. then a video game came out and i really wanted it but i was betting on either saving up for it when my job started, or i wouldve used the gift cards my mom gets as rewards for shopping in an app to pay for it since she always gives the rewards to me. but bc the person hadnt gotten me a gift yet and other ppl knew about it, my mom basically told them to buy me the video game and so i got that. so now i feel like im not allowed to be mad about the stickers. but the thing that made it worse was the whole time while i was waiting for the stickers/ them to read my list in the first few days, they were buying stickers for themselves. and they were showing them to me. and i couldnt help but think how i wanted them. and it still hurts, like i hate how i still feel bitter when they show me their stickers, because all i can think about is how i didnt get what i wanted, and it makes me feel like a selfish, ungrateful person. it didnt help that it was coupled by another person forgetting about me around the same time, another thing im too scared to bring up irl because i know that nothing good can come of it! there’s no way to tell someone something like this without sounding selfish and like you’re whining, i hate it, and i hate it because i should be happy now and leave it in the past, but i cant

[xx-poetry-witch-xx]

i think my problem with not getting therapy is that shit only gets bad when im alone because that’s the only time i let myself feel things because i hate expressing symptoms in front of people so like during the day when i should like actually be reaching out to people i convince myself that im fine because if i wasn’t it wouldn’t matter whether or not people were around i would be experiencing symptoms all the time which i do i do experience those symptoms they’re just not visible which means they’re not bad enough therefore i do not deserve help until they are which happens when im alone at night and the cycle continues and i think thats my problem but i dont know how to break it because theres another little part of my brain that forgets to do anything and everything productive like i havent done like any actual homework in weeks and my grades are like falling dude im praying i do well enough on these midterms just to fucking pass im so fucking stressed out but im too worked up to try and actively change anything because at this point i am just trying to make it day to day and even hour to hour is a struggle so how the fuck am i supposed to make changes and better myself when i am barely even making it to the next fucking hour like what am i even supposed to do at this point anyway this is just a rant please dont send me messages that are like do this or do this i fucking know and thats also part of my problem is that im overly analytical and do a lot of reasearch so i can help myself but when things are still bad because emotions dont follow logic and im going to feel things anyway i dont know how to handle it so i just im fine okay im fine i just need to get through these next two weeks and go the fuck home

[bunniislvt]

If you're doing Females for the Nsfw alphabet will you Do X, J, Q for Keqing, Yanfei, and Ayaka? Congratulations on 200! Keep up the great work!

title : nsfw alphabet : j , q , x

characters : keqing , yanfei , ayaka

notes : <3

cw : smut -- describing explicit content -- mentions of overstim

keqing--

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J - jack off ~

keqing isnt the type of girl who masturbates often, but she does when she is stressed out from work or just has pent up emotions she needs to get out

she doesnt make it a big deal, doesnt do anything fancy or stuff like that

just using her hands to rub her clit or to finger herself to her climax is good enough

i feel like once she meets you, her sex drive spikes up and she masturbates a lot more than she did before, due to her constant thoughts of you throughout the day

she cant help it <3

which brings us to our next point

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Q - quickie ~

if you work with her, she'd definitely be one to pull you off into a closet or an empty office to have a quicky with, taking out her stress on your body in the nicest way possible

of course, she'd be more opt for waiting until the end of the day when you two could have sex in the comfort and privacy of your own home, being able to get more intimate than what a quickie has to offer

but sometimes she feels like she cant wait

which is when she finds you in the building at work and pulls you into a bathroom stall <3

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X - x-ray ~

keqing has a toned body from fighting and training

her breasts are slightly on the bigger side, perfectly round with perky nipples

her figure is beautiful and perfect <3

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yanfei--

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J - jack off ~

like keqing, she doesnt feel the need to do it often, using her slender fingers to rub tight circles into her clit if she has to

i dont think she's familiar with penetration so she tends to stick to stimulating her clit when masturbating

things like rutting against a pillow, vibrators, etc all get her to cum perfectly fine without penetration

once she meets you, you invade her thoughts almost 24/7

it becomes part of her daily routine to hump against her pillow and moan out your name <3

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Q - quickie ~

shes fine with them, but would only do it if needed

she thinks that quickies arent meaningful and that sex has to be intimate and sensual, not rushed out

her opinion might change if youre into them, coaxing her to open up more when you get needy before she has to get to work

she would never ask for one, but would help you reach your own orgasm in a hurry if you asked her

how sweet <3

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X - x-ray ~

yanfeis body is slim and pale

her skin looks delicate and soft, and it is!

be careful with her <3

she has smaller, pretty tits with light pink nipples

her frame is a lot smaller than the other girls, but thats ok, shes so pretty

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ayaka--

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J - jack off ~

often!!

with all the stress she carries from the commission, she masturbates frequently

she's the kind of person to try to cum as many times as possible, keeping a personal record for herself

hours into the night, she's overstimulating herself by fingering and rubbing her clit, playing dirty scenarios in her head and trying to muffle her moans

i feel like she'd have quite a few toys too ~

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Q - quickie ~

shes all for them!

loves them in fact!

sneaking off with you throughout the day to quickly fuck one out and then pretend nothing happened

"oh! ayaka! theres some things ive been meaning to talk to you about, if you have some time, care to follow me to a more.. 'private' area?"

she would be so giddy and happy to follow you and end up with her pretty cunt eaten out <3

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X - x-ray ~

she has a similar body to keqing

slightly less toned, and slightly smaller breasts

and like yanfei, her skin is pale and gentle, be careful!

basically her body is a mix of keqing and yanfei <3