#and thats after struggling to sleep despite being exhausted

[earl-grey-love]

Problem in paradise atm cus not only is my insomina kicking my ass lately, but I also keep having nightmares that involve my f/os 😰

[cafecourage]

Speaking of sleepy, caring for sleepy Chain

-Softie

We worked on this on stream long ago. I also made this also one bed. Part 1 has Time, Twilight, and Warriors

_____________

There was a common issue among some of the chain where most all of them have the fatal flaw of not being able to sleep. Some had issues waking up like Sky, Wind, Four and Wild. You quickly found that Legend was among that group but given the incident he went into the latter issue. Which was annoying when dealing with. It was completely opposite problems.

Time:

It was always hard to tell if the Old man was tired as he seemed to be always absolutely exhausted. Which was fair enough since he was dubbed the dad friend in the group thus making him the main person to go to for everything. It’s a wonder how he hasn’t just slept for 7 more years yet.

Still the Hero of Time was probably 3 days in without sleep and thats what you observed. Granted you should have stopped him by day 2. But you weren’t sure if he slept on the days you seen him take first shift and wake up with him being on last shift.

The other boy’s notice it too and while they all appreciate the extra sleep it’s unfair for Time. Warriors is typically the only one that speaks up about it since he isn’t phased by the Older Link’s tough exterior. While it would be embarrassing in hindsight you had to drag Warriors aside to push for you and Time to be in the same room. “I have a plan” is what you tell the captain not letting him know that you in fact, dont have a plan.

Truly the plan is fist fight the old man until he actually sleeps, or lecture him whatever you feel like. At least you will be here in town for a few days to gather supplies and information. So you can at least fix Time’s sleep schedule.

You’re plotting came to an extreme halt as you step into a room with one bed. “This can work.” You say out loud as you dropped your stuff in a corner of the room. “We can share the bed.” It’s not even up for debate at this point.

“Can we?” Time asks as he closes the door “wouldn’t that be uncomfortable?”

“Uncomfortable?” That wouldn’t be the word you would use. “Nah. Unless it makes you uncomfortable. Then I can take the floor.”

The hero gives you a look, one to even dare you to say that again. “If you don’t mind, then I don’t see why fight over it.”

“It I am being real.” You stand up and stretched “you do need it more.” It has been decided. You are lecturing him. “When is the last time you slept a full 8 hours? Heck 6 hours I would accept.”

An eyebrow was raised as he heads inside “I have been fine with the sleep I’ve been getting.” He takes his armor off putting each piece down carefully before finally sitting on the bed. He pats the spot next to him.

You follow his lead as you prepare a long argument. “Ah, yes the zero hou- Ack!” What you didn’t expect was Time to drag you into his lap and lay down.

Your face exploded in a blush as you were now basically his teddy bear. “Don’t you think I haven’t noticed you also have trouble sleeping.” He whispered as he was already in the process of wrapping the both of you in the blankets. “Let’s take a nap for now…”

Well… This backfired successfully.

Twilight:

Twilight was one of these Links which, made sense but also didn’t when you found this out. He tries to older brother everyone, he makes sure everyone is asleep before he does. Which takes forever to do and your patience for this man is thinning.

After stopping in a town from a long trek. The group decides to go to the Inn to set up shop. You were already on Twilight to take a nap before dinner. “No. We are going to eat in like 30 minutes.”

Ok.

No.

He isn’t getting out of this and you don’t care you’re in the middle of the lobby. There was something that the chain has yet to learn about you.

You might be short.

But you are strong.

So you marched up to Twilight and despite his struggling you throw the hero over your shoulder and went directly to the room angrily. “Let me down!” Twilight demands of you. However you couldn’t care about it as you open the door kick it close and threw him on the bed. “That was unnecessary.” He said getting up.

“It was very necessary!” You argued back crossing your arms. “When is the last time you properly slept?”

Twilight stays quiet and looks away. He looked like a kicked puppy. “I get enough.”

“According to who? Because everyone else can make an argument that you’re barely getting any to function.” You let out a huff as you should probably be more lenient with him because it’s not really like he is doing something bad. You know from experience that the body could function with little sleep if it’s used to it but it’s not healthy! You didn’t go through classes with a clear mind but you should have! “We are just worried about you.”

The Hero stays quiet but sighs “ok. I understand.” He seems to give up at this point. But he reaches out to take your hand finally letting himself looked exhausted “but… can you stay with me?”

Your eyes soften as he seemed to be more tired than you thought. “Of course I will. Someone has to make sure you stay put.” He teases you.

Warriors: 

After a long day of traveling an inn was a welcoming sight. Since there were ten of you now each room had to have 2 people. Which was sometimes unfortunate for some, but for you in this current moment?

You couldn’t ask for a better opportunity since you (forcably) asked to be Warrior’s pair, only to have there only be one bed. 

Perfect.

Wonderful.

Amazing.

It was instant that you had grabbed Warriors tunic and almost thrown him on to the bed. “Didn’t know you wanted me on the bed that badly, doll.” He was laughing. This man was laughing and he looked like hell. Probably felt like it too as the ever polished captain was showing dark circles under his eyes. His smile was sluggish and his eyes weren’t as sharp as they normally were.

“Very funny.” You rolled your eyes as you headed towards him again to help him out of his armor. “You should take better care of yourself. 3 days of barely any sleep? What were you thinking?!”

“That the other boys need some sleep.” There was no hesitation as the stubborn man is proud of himself for killing his sleep schedule. “It’s fine.” “It is not fine.” You didn’t mean to throw his shoulder plate on the carpet. “You better take your chainmail off before I do it for you.”

“What if I rather you do it for me?” The captain fire back without missing a beat. Instantly his face paled “wait-“

“Nope to late come here.” You take his tunic and just… thew it off of him. “Do you want to continue?” This was a threat.

“no…” Warriors voice was silent as he finally got out of what armor he had left. “I should sleep on the floo-“ that suggestion was instantly silent as you glared at him.

Finally when both of you were ready for bed you had put your self on top of him. Cuddling but also if he was going to escape he will have to wake you up first. “this is so you don’t escape.” You said.

“I wont. I wont.” Warriors was a bit hesitant to wrap his arms around you “Thank you.” He whispered as he finally started to relaxed.

“Don’t rely on me to fix your sleep habits.” You said poking his cheek “good night Captain.”

“Good Night Sweetheart.”

[buggyjuggie]

Hi Hi! I recently found your blog and really liked your work.

I was wondering if I could request some HCs about a masc reader who stays up late and wakes up super early (ex. Staying up till 12am but waking up at 3) but somehow is usually very energetic and hyper?

The character(s) are up to you, if thats okay? I read through the rules and everything and I think this is okay, but feel free to ignore if I messed up anything! 🫶

──★ ˙ ̟Mk1 characters x Masc reader who wakes up early and goes to bed late

「 ✦ Johnny Cage ✦ 」

* Come on you know he definitely does the same thing.

* Doesn’t understand how your so energetic. If he wants to be anywhere near your energy level he NEEDS a crap ton of coffee.

* Easiest way he gets the both of you to sleep is by having a movie marathon or having a gym date and exhausting yourself’s.

* He always ends up going to bed/passing out first so you end up following him, even if Johnny can’t talk you still enjoy cuddling and being next to him.

* You end up picking him up from shoots and sets after long days, because your the only person he trusts that would still be awake at these hours.

* After a long day that was supposed to be about the both of you hanging out he ended up eating sugary snacks to stay awake and had the biggest sugar crash ever.

「 ✦ Liu Kang ✦ 」

* When he learned of your habit was really worried for you, despite the fact that he has spent eons alone Liu Kang still remembers when ordinary people should go to sleep.

* Always tries to somehow convince with his words of wisdom for you to go to sleep earlier (it almost never works but its worth a try)

* I think that a god like him doesn’t need sleep but one of the ways he gets you to sleep earlier is by cuddles. He’ll hug and use his natural body heat to lull you to sleep.

* Both of you are opposites of each other but manage to make it work he takes time to do exciting and adrenaline pumping activities and you enjoy spending time with him drinking tea, meditating and talking about anything that you can.

* Anytime he sees you being hyperactive it always puts a smile on his face, just is stuck in trance watching you and being happy that he gets to have this.

「 ✦ Li mei ✦ 」

* HOW?? JUST HOW??? she always asks herself.

* Being Sun Do’s first constable requires a strict schedule, despite the fact that she likes doing her job waking up early is not one of them.

* When she wakes up early Li mei tends to be grumpy and down she absolutely can’t understand how you getting so little sleep are in a good and cheery mood.

* She makes paper lanterns that help both of you fall asleep, they smell like lavender.

* If Li mei’s having a hard day she appreciates your energetic personality, it puts her in a good mood and help’s to keep her spirits high when struggling with Outworld’s conflicts.

* Let’s you take care of her spirit lion since both of you are very energetic and it has grown attached to you.

「 ✦ Mileena ✦ 」

* Thinks that you just have a hard time sleeping.

* Because of the way her base outfit is designed i think Mileena owns a lot of fuzzy and warm sweaters. She gives then to you as a hope that it’ll help you sleep better.

* Tries to do literally everything to get you to go bed earlier royal massages, big fancy beds with fluffy pillows, essential oils and whatnots.

* Is surprised that after all that your still full of energy, starts to think that it might be magic or a spell.

* You offered to do some of the more tedious jobs or her’s so that she can enjoy her time as empress, Milleena didnt like the idea of making you do her work but you still insisted by saying that if you let her, both of you will have more time to spend together and she caved.

* You sleep a lot in Mileenas room because she has a lot of flowers that help her fall asleep more calmly and keep her tarkat affliction from coming out. The flowers help you because they remind you of Mileena the happy memories and moments spent with her make for the most adorable dreams and even date ideas.

「 ✦ Havik ✦ 」

* An agent of chaos hell bent of causing mischief any where possible and a little to no sleep human who somehow is extremely energised to a concerning extent. I think thats a math made in heaven.

* Like Liu kang i don’t really think Havik needs to sleep yes he does get tired but doesn’t have adherent need for it.

* Thought at first that you were also from chaosrealm due to your high energy and hyperactivity.

* Noticed your how your sleeping was inconsistent but because he has never dated a human before he doesn’t do much about it, think’s that this is just how humans are.

* Still offers to let you rest or even rest with him if he sees that your starting to get tired or are gonna crash.

* Both of you are the most chaotic couple in world and he loves it.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Once again I’m so sorry this took so long to get out. I really really enjoyed writing this one especially because i got to write for any character i wanted so that helped me thing outside the box. I didn’t really have any specific way of integrating masculine terms or action i just mainly tried not to baby the reader.

Hope you enjoyed reading :3

[ellelans]

2022 is almost over and its my tumblr tradition to make a post and talk about the year in general and hopes for next one. Personally 2022 was an exhausting year for me,but definitely not a bad one.Health issues became an unwelcome focus,that knee injury made my life hell for many months and I am still not fully recovered even after extensive physical therapy but I am just grateful it wasn’t worse because it could be.So yeah I am not going to complain too much about that,because despite it all I was still able to do everything I wanted and travel as much as I could and live my life.Other than that I def count my blessing and I am grateful that my family is healthy,I got a new nephew this year who is a sweetheart,cats are great,work is crazy,there are many plans for future and in general 2022 set in motion some excellent things.

Many hours were spent on Tumblr of course,but thats understandable as we all live here and my online support system is here in form of darling old and new friends who made the year much easier to deal with and a lot more fun.Fandom has always been a big part of my life and there is a good reason for that-fandoms are full of great people and excellent content and in 2022 I feel like I have returned home to an old one after 17 years and my attention split between 911 and SW.Which was def a welcome development because I missed SW in my life and I am glad its here to stay because 2023 is gonna be a good SW year.It was always a struggle for me to focus on more than one fandom,but I am totally handling this lol.Or at least I am trying!

I don’t do resolutions,never been my thing and especially not now because we are still living in crazy times-that said I do have hopes for 2023 because I am forever an optimist and my biggest hopes are that next year will be easier and more peaceful.The world is a mess but I want to believe.Hope is what we have and thats how we’ll survive everything.We made it so far right?We’ll make it through anything.As for personal hopes and goals-more sleep lol.The rest will be sorted out anyways.

I wish all of you awesome people on my dash a happy and healthy new year. May 2023 bring all of you what you wish for or be as uneventful as possible! Lots of love and hugs and thank you all so very much for being here ❤️

[i-simp-for-gintoki]

Gojo and Yuji reacting to sick reader collapsing

“student reader being sick but trying to hide it, but collapses after a mission? And what they do afterwards? with gojo and yujis reactions?” -anon

Unsurprisingly, as always,  i struggled a bit with this. I kept this platonic since it never really was specified if it was supposed to be romantic with yuji. (i wouldn’t have reader be a student if you wanted to be with gojo)

big gif whoops

you were sick and that is that

slow, tired, stuffy nose, dizzy, headaches you had it all

but you couldnt stay in bed and rest

while your sleeping and resting, the curses your supposed to be excorsizing could be killing people

so you absolutely could not stay in bed

gojo took you and yuji out on a mission, before you guys left gojo tilted his head

“you look exhausted” he said and you shrugged

“one all nighter never hurt anyone” you say doing your best to speak clear despite how raspy your voice is

he hums and goes back to walking

yuji gives you a concerned look but you just smile

before you arrive at the location , you pull your uniform collar

“its pretty hot huh?” you said and both student and teacher turned around at that

“is it? its pretty chilly for me” gojo says, hands in pockets and face more hidden behind his collar 

yuji nodded, his hood was actually up and he rubber his hands together “its like 46 degrees!”(i wanna say thats like 9 degrees celsius)

“o-oh” 

gojo sat outside as he sent you and itadori into the building

usually this would be a breeze but it really took a lot out of you

Your breathing was much more rigid and all over the place then you liked, so you simply left your mouth closed and tried to internalize the breathing despite the pain

After all it would suck if the two thought you were really weak

Gojo pats both of your guys’s backs (with you stumbling a bit more than you’d like) and says to celebrate he’d treat you guys to a quick stop at a nearby cafe

Yuji grew excited and you simply nodded your head

The two walked faster than you in general, but now with your sluggish self there was a notable difference in speed

Itadori was having an animated conversation with gojo and turned back to ask for your input, but his smile faded a bit when he saw you so far back

“y/n?”

You tried to respond but your vision blurred and you suddenly felt much more dizzy

You think he yelled your name once more but it was just a hazy noise

Stumbling a few more steps, you passed out but luckily right before your head bashed against the concrete yuji caught you

“Hey! Whats wrong??” he yelled shaking you a bit, but was just greeted with messy breathing

“Aww man, I was hoping they would last until the cafe. It would have been much more hilarious to see them face plant into a piece of cake” Gojo says feeling your forehead

Itadori grows confused at his words

“Woah its even worse than i thought. Yuji, take them back to the dorms for me will you?”

“Eh? You knew they were like this??” “Yup, from the second they walked into the classroom” “so then why-” “don’t sweat the small stuff, now go on”

“But the school is so far, can’t you teleport us there?” “Cake, cake, i wonder which flavor i should get today” gojo hummed, ignoring yuji as he walked away

Yuji grumbled to himself and placed you on his back before walking back to the school

He probably doesn’t know what to do so he just kinda, lays you down on your bed, places a towel that is much to soaked on your head and asks shoko for help

She tells him the basics of how to help, which medicine to give and blah blah

She ends up doing most of the work though

He tries to make a soup his grandfather made once or twice but it didn’t taste nearly as good

You still ate it all and thanked him with a tired smile

Depending on if you ask yuji to stay(whenever you wake up that is) he will gladly stay

If you don’t he might just pop back in every now and then to make sure your better

Or stops by to chat so you don’t feel too lonely

Gojo stopped by and brought you a slice of cake from the cafe you guys were supposed to go too. But It had a bite taken out of it much to your annoyance

Gojo probably doesn’t really do anything, he might give you a rock he found and be like “heres a souvenir from my mission” but other than that i don’t see him sticking around to help

Might drop a bag of fruit off, or some medicine but yeah nothin much

Oh actually he might take a few photos of your red face, snotty sick self and send it to the second years, followed by a bunch of emojis

You swore you would get strong enough to hurt him that day

[inspriredlyuninspired]

The Stalker

Part 7

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader, Able-bodied!Ivar x Dark!Ivar

Hey Guys!! i know its been a really long, i’ve been struggling a lot lately and i had the motivation to write! i hope you enjoy!

First peron POV (this s my first time doing first person POV in this series so let me know if you guys like it!)

The night with Ivar was so much fun, i can’t remeber the last time i had this much fun with someone. From pillow fights, jumping on the bed, ordering as much room service as we could. Ivar and i laid on the bed spread out with full bellies.

“i don’t want to eat anything every again” Ivar said taking a deep breath after.

“Hey, last time i checked you were the one who ordered it” I said back, just getting a grunt in response.

He slowly got out of bed and started walking towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Not thinking anything of it i just rolled over and started admiring the room and the extravagancey of it.

A few minutes later, Ivar emerged from the bathroom and motioned with his fingers to go over to him. Without a question i obliged, i don’t know how he had this effect on me.

i followed him into the bathroom and when i walked in a saw a drawn bath, with candles all over the place. This was the most romantic gesture anyone has done for me, it felt as though i could start crying. Too many emotions just ovewhelming me.  

“Oh Ivar” is all i could manage to say. The smile on his face brightened the candle lit bathroom. He walked towards me, putting his hands on my hips, gently lifting my shirt.

No one has ever seen me naked or even almost naked, well technically Ivar had but i did everything in my power not to think about that. I did not stop him from lifting my shirt over my head. He ran his hands ever so lightly down my sides to the top of my shorts.

He kneeled down, sliding them down my legs, peppering kisses to the top of my thighs on his way back up. Once standing again, he looked me up and down.

I moved my arms to cover myself, which he didn’t see immediately because he was taking off his own shirt and shorts leaving him in his breifs.

‘Wow’ is all i could think, he was lean, toned, and out of my league. The thoughts wouldn’t stop, thinking about how handsome he was, and then how i looked.

I was taken from my thoughts by feeling his strong hands gently pull my arms to my sides

“Never hide yourself from me, you’re the most perfect woman i have ever seen, you are all i have every wanted.” His voice was soft and calm.

His hands slowly reached behind me to unclip the hooks of my bra. i grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Ivar, no one has seen me like that before” i said matching his volume

“not even you” I managed to whisper

“i know little dove, if you want me to stop, i will and i will let you bathe alone.” he said. He didnt sound mad or annoyed, he sounded sincere.

“im just scared, that you will see eveyrthing, and wont like it.”i said, a slight saddness in my voice.  Because i had not told him to stop, he started to slowly unclasp my bra as he said

“In my eyes there is noting more beautiful than you, you are my light, you are my love, you are my everything. I love you Y/N, and i love your body” he began to slowly pull the straps down my arms, i immideatly moved my arms to cover myself. He did not stop me.

He peppered kisses from my neck, to my chest, down my stomach until he got to my navel. He looked up at me throuh his eyelashes, as if asking permission. I nodded and then closed my eyes, i did not want to see his reaction when he saw me. All of me.

I felt his hands leave my body and i kept my eyes closed, expecting the worse, but not too long afer i felt his arms wrap around me again. I opened my eyed to the most piercing blue eyes looking at me.

“you are so perfect” He whispered

By this time he had taken off his briefs, we both stood there completely open and exposed to each other.

He moved his hands to gently hold my jaw, unconsciously my hands left my chest, now completely exposing myself to him, to hold onto his arms.

He leaned down and pressed the sweetest kiss to my lips, it was as if his lips were made for mine, the way we fit together was so natural. I felt safe, i felt protected, and mostly i felt something i never thought i would. Loved.

We bathed together, just admiring each others presence, me leaning back against his chest as he cupped the warm water and poured it over my shoulder. a sweet gesture that meant more to me then i think he thought.

There was nothing sexual about this, it was sweet and loving and more than anything i ever wanted. 

*A few hours later* 

We laid in bed together, me curled into his side listening to him talk about his upbringing, school, and his family a little more. It fet so nice to just lay here with him and hear his stories, i listened to every word that left his mouth. He stopped abruptly and looked down at me with a pouty look on his face 

“can i ask you something?” he said with a whiny voice i giggled softly and nodded

“can we switch positions? Will you hold me?” i gigglle lighlty again and without saying anything i flipped over onto my back and he immediately curled into my side, laid his head on my chest and threw a leg over my waist. 

It must have been a funny sight, a man almost double my size laying onme like a child. But i loved it, i gently played with his still damp hair and listened to him continued with his stories. 

The conversation gradually shifted to the party we would be going to the following day 

“stay by my side tomorrow night, i dont wanna lose you” 

“ivar its just your family” 

“exactly! i would not want you getting stuck in a druken conversation with one of my brothers” I giggled lightly and ruffled his hair

“It will be okay Ivar” 

i saw his tone change almost immediately, he got tense all of s sudden as he sat up and leaned over to his bag 

“i actually have another question for you, i told them all you were my fiancé, so if thats okay with you ill introduce you as that. I have this to make it more believable. I know that after we leave here we will probably never see each other again, but after the party you can keep the ring as well. ” and he handed me a small ring box.

i opened it to reveal the most beautiful ring i had ever seen, not to mention it was also huge 

it was the ring i had always wanted.... and he knew it. I tried to shut those thoughts out of my head. 

i just nodded slightly and handed him the box, he placed it on the bedside table and shut off the light. 

When he laid back down he didn’t try to hold me, or cuddle into me again, he just laid next to me. 

The entire mood changed immediately, back to grey. 

I wanted to scream or cry, or bury myself away never to be seen again. 

I had finally opened back up to him, just for him to remind me that this is temporary, that we were nothing, and that when we got back. i would never see him again. 

i turned on my side facing the wall, i didnt want him to think that i was being petty or that i was mad at him. it was just, looking at him made everything harder. 

i fell for him, hard. I was in love with the man who had stalked me. He was the first and only person to see all of me. But we were nothing, and were not going to be anything. 

The thoughts kept pouring into my head, keeping me awake. I could not sleep knowing that the only person i have ever loved, stalked me and then madem e fall in love with him, not by force. 

Pretending to be in a relationship with him tomorrow won’t be difficult, because it came natural to me. I loved him, and i wanted him. Despite everything, i wanted the man who had stalked me. 

I heard his soft snoring, and i let out a small cry. I did not want him to worry, so i waited until he was asleep to let it out. 

All i wanted was to turn arounf curl into him, but i couldn’t. it would make it hurt more. 

i let myself cry until i was too exhausted to keep my eyes open, falling into a restless sleep. 

Taglist: 

@youbloodymadgenius​ @lostgirl14480​ @artstyle​

[kenmakittie]

Sakusa with a S/O that suffers from OCD

CW warning for mentions of OCD; nothing explicit, but it is mentioned and talked about in a little bit of depth, but overall theme is comforting :)

This is mostly brain rot that hit me last night after spending too long in the Sakusa tags but,, bare with me this is the best I could dribble out in an hour ok. Probably should have put more thought into this for my first hq fic thing but you know what. thats just me baby

Ok hear me out

 I myself personally do not have OCD, but I am currently studying it and have friends with it so I know a fair deal about how it works and how negatively it can affect your day to day life. (If any dear readers do suffer from OCD, know that you are always understood and appreciated on my tl ok I love u sm and you’re doing a fuckin great job)

 And like… boy, if you land Sakusa as a boyfriend ur one lucky mf

 I don’t know whether or not his phobia of germs runs deep enough for it to be comparable to that of OCD, but I think regardless of whether or not he has the same struggles as you, he’d understand 100% where your fears come from in that regard and he’ll try really hard to help you as best as he can.

 I mean, truth be told, he’ll feel pretty damn honoured that you’ve let him into your life like this, with this proximity - his own personal hygiene puts your mind at rest to a considerable degree, if that’s something you struggle with. After all, not all OCD cases are based on germs or dirt! Regardless of what shape or form your condition affects you, he’s so patient and mindful of every little thing that seems to bother you, he’ll make note - mentally and physically, if need be - and trust me when I say you can rely on this man to look after you in whatever way you may need.

 If you struggle with patterns and rituals, he’s got all the patience in the world for you. Always. You sit up in bed waiting for him to complete his own, after all; he has his last shower of the day right before he settles in for the night, and his shampoo smells sharply of tea tree, but you don’t mind; the strong scent helps settle the noise between your ears into a gentle fizz of white noise you’re happy to deal with. Christ, your man’s got a seven-step skin routine that he spends an hour on every night, and if you’re not sat cross-legged next to him doing it together then you’re in his lap, carefully pulling the edges of his sheet mask smooth and planting a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. You never question his own little routines, so why should he be bothered by yours, now matter how trivial they may seem, even to you?

Ever the keen observer, he picks up on the smaller things you do that you seem to be unaware of sometimes; the way you tap your index and middle finger in odd patterns against his chest when you’re drifting off to sleep. Or the way he catches you counting the windows downstairs and checking they’re locked, sometimes four or five times in total before he can convince you to come to bed with gentle fingers weaving through your own, leading you to your safe haven.

He’s honestly more than happy to set aside his own reservations to look after you - you yourself understand his own qualms and take every precaution to always be as clean as you possibly can be, and he’s more appreciative at the gesture than he can ever hope to express; he still struggles with showing his affection for you physically, despite being with you for an extended amount of time. He does his best though, as this always seems to distract and calm you at times - if he catches you staring at the wall at 3am, wringing your hands with wide eyes, he knows the best way to soothe you is a bit of skin to skin.

 He always starts slow, to avoid spooking you.

 Sakusa runs the back of his knuckles down your cheek, so soft you barely feel it at first; your head snaps to the side like a deer caught in headlights; Sakusa just gives you a small, gentle smile as his other hands finds yours under the quilt. His eyes are warm in the darkness, and his palm warmer.

 “Come on, love,” a small tug on your arm, and he lifts the quilt with his arm to invite you into the warmth he radiates. “Come to bed, now.”

 You never put up a fight, too mentally exhausted to ever deny him; the second your arms wrap around his waist and your face presses into his neck, you melt; a heavy, tremulous sigh works it way out of your throat, and you press closer as the smell of him permeates your senses, wearing away at your fatigue. If you weren’t so tired, you’d spend some time examining the constellations of his freckles scattered around his chest. But the scent of him - tea tree and a hint of lavender from his face serum - is like your personal laudanum. Combined with the natural warmth of his frame, it’s a devastating combination that never fails.

 He may be a bit stiff at first, but as soon as your outward breath hits his skin, he shivers into relaxing around you. You’re always so soft you meld to his physique perfectly; his nose buries in the crown of your hair, and he inhales carefully, revelling in the flowery scent of your shampoo.

Sakusa will never say it out loud, but being able to offer you comfort in such a simple form brings him a lot of joy - many of the things you struggle with neither of you can seem to control some days. There have been many times where the intrusive thoughts and compulsions are so strong you get stuck in a loop that has you in tears for a majority of the day, and something as simple as getting out of bed becomes a gargantuan task.

Thing is, he gets it. He may be a creature of habit with his ridiculously early morning runs, and eating practically the same thing every damn day, but say the word and he’ll hang about your room with you if you need him. 

Sakusa gets it, and he loves you. 

[nagitolovebug]

How did komahina co-parent at first? How was hajimes reaction to the twins? Did bebi like getting siblings

komahina's co-parenting at first was...definitely an Ordeal. not even because of bebi, but bc komahina is a mess. originally hajime was very insecure about his role in bebi's life, as he had very clearly asserted himself as a separate person from izuru and that he was going to live as hajime and not someone else- so wouldn't that make bebi Not his kid? sure, they're his genetically, but in theory.... that was the dilemma he dealt with. he'd already grown attached to them when he was caring for them while nagito was still in a coma and worries now that nagito has woken up, his job is done, and that nagito won't want him around bebi anymore. in turn, nagito is worried that bc hajime is asserting himself as separate from izuru that he doesn't see bebi as his kid and will not be interested in raising them, that bebi will lose their father and nagito will lose his once-husband (lurking somewhere in hajime's subconscious...) turned best friend. they live together right off the bat, sleeping in the same bed (bebi likes to be held by the 2 of them to fall asleep...but even when bebi sleeps in their own bed they didn't think to get separate bedrooms or anything...) and end up becoming very.....affectionate with one another despite their claims that they're purely platonic. they "platonically" hold hands, cuddle, kiss, kiss, and more...intimate things in the cover of night ;) nagito's convinced hajime is just "using him for stress relief" and he's only truly staying bc he'd feel guilty leaving bebi. hajime thinks they're together. this miscommunication is not truly cleared up until hajime proposes. other than that, they both love bebi very very much and spend all their time with bebi, doting on them, playing with them, caring for them.

as for hajime's reaction to the twins- that in itself was also an Ordeal! when nagito found out he was pregnant again, bebi was very sick and in the hospital, which was very hard on nagito as he blamed himself. and he had resigned himself to leaving bebi and hajime, thinking they'd be safer without him in their lives. hajime was an adult who was fully informed of the danger of nagito's luck and had izuru's luck to protect him ! but bebi couldn't consent to that. he did not want to risk hurting his child in any capacity. so he resigned himself to leaving...but the news of pregnancy only devastated him further. to think he'd ruin not only bebi and hajime's lives but the life of another baby (not knowing it was twins lol)....it was too much for him. the plan was to leave the island, suffer through the pregnancy by himself, and come back after the birth to drop their new baby off before disappearing forever.

trans male pregnancy under the cut

bc nagito's carrying twins, the toll on his body during this pregnancy is far worse than it was during despair. he becomes very weak and sickly, especially with the added stress and despair of trying to leave his 'best friend' and kid, his kid being in the hospital,,, he hasn't been taking care of himself. the night bebi returns from the hospital (fully recovered! ...but having finally fully lost their vision in their right eye), hajime catches nagito trying to leave. he'd collapsed on his way out, having gotten incredibly dizzy. he'd left nothing but a note on the nightstand reading, "Be back soon." hajime wakes up to an empty bed and almost (almost) panics, steadies his breaths to the small snores of a sleeping baby in a nearby crib. he finds nagito half unconscious on the beach slumped on a duffel bag. "nagito??? nagito???? nagito!!! oh, thank god" "h...inata-kun?" "yea, it's me, come on, let's get you-" and nagitos eyes clear up and he shoves hajime away. "nagito-?" "stay away from me!" "nagito, you're not in your right mind, let's go back to the cabin-" "...how did you find me." "well, I found your note, which scared me shitless- I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you and frankly, I'm pretty pissed about that, but that can wait until I know you're safe-" "I'm so sorry, hinata-kun, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, hinata-kun, hinata-kun, hinata-kun-" "jeez, I said you can call me hajime... it's alright, relax, i'm not really mad. I was just worried." "you don't understand, you have to get away from me now-" "what are you even doing out here. what's with the bag" "hinata-kun." "....where were you going" "I hadn't decided yet" "why" "I-" "just bc you're in remission, you think you can just do whatever you want? what if something happened to you? goddamn it, you're not bullet proof, nagito! I know you're working on it, I know you're trying, but fuck you're so goddamn selfish! people care about you! I care about you! why can't you just understand that!" "i won't let myself hurt you!" "you're hurting me now!" "this will ruin your life, i will ruin your life-" "im your fucking....best friend, just tell me what's wrong, i can help you-" "nobody can help me, it's too late for me..." "goddamn it, nagito, please-!" and nagitos voice breaks when he whispers. "...i'm pregnant" ".......what" and nagito breaks into a quiet sob "I'm pregnant, hajime, and no one else on this island would dare defile themselves with me the way you have..." "are you serious?" "please don't make me say it again" and maybe if nagito weren't lost in a spiral of self deprecation and if his eyes weren't swimming with tears, he would've seen the nervous smile that broke out on hajime's face, the joy in his voice. "nagito, that's-!" "horrible? disgusting? i know I'm an abomination, hajime, maybe if my pathetic body functioned the way it was meant to-" "don't say that. don't you ever say that" "please just leave..." "you...you were pregnant with our kid and you were gonna leave??? what if you relapsed? what if you needed me?" hajime grabbed his face and forced nagito to look at him. "why are you doing this?" nagito laughed breathlessly, hysterically. "don't worry, hinata-kun, i would have brought them back! i simply didnt want to force you through the despair of having someone as putrid as me being pregnant, knowing that you've procreated with the lowest scum of the earth....surely it would ruin you. besides, i could never take your child from their father. nor would i subject them to my luck...will you let me go now, knowing your child will be alright" "they're your kid too" "for the sake of their sanity I'd rather keep that to myself" hajime steeled his expression, then grabbed Nagito's wrist. "we're going back to the cabin. we'll talk more in the morning." "Hinata-kun, let go of me." "nagito, let's go." "hinata, let go" "I'm not leaving you out here" nagito starts tearing up again and scratching frantically at his own skin. "please" "we're leaving." and hajime picks nagito up (he was

probably still too dizzy to walk anyway). but nagito starts screaming and thrashing and crying and weakly hitting hajime. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, IM GONNA HURT YOU, IM GONNA KILL YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE-" and hajime starts silently crying too but he just holds on tighter and keeps walking. i think they get to the cabin and hajime sets him down on the bed and nagito starts punching hajimes chest (not hard) but hajime just grabs his wrists and holds them tight as nagito struggles and cries softly. "i ruined your life..me and this broken body of mine." "i...love you. you're not broken. I'm not leaving and neither are you." "i hate you..." "you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "I'll kill you..." "you won't." "why won't you just leave.." "why won't you stay." "..." "lets go to bed. we'll see mikan in the morning. get some rest." nagito is still scratching at his skin when hajime pulls him against his chest and forces nagito to lay down with him. "i love you" "im scared..." "i know" "im so sorry.." "i know. it's ok" "it's not" "as long as you're still with me, it is." "you're too kind to me.." "i love you." "how many times are you going to say that." "as many times as it takes for you to believe it." and the conversation pitters off as nagito silently sobs into hajime's chest until he passes out while Hajime rubs small circles into his back and presses kisses to his head. nagito wakes up with his eyes swollen face still tucked into Hajime's chest and he knows hajime's awake bc he can feel his chest vibrating with light hums and soft strokes to his hair. nagito looks up and licks his lips, eyes watering again when he sees hajime's patient gaze, his eyes crinkling in a worried smile, extenuating the eyebags and evident exhaustion. "hinata-kun, i'm so s-" "shhh. none of that. we're seeing mikan in a bit, i already called her. i'm sorry for not noticing what was going on. it must have been so hard dealing with this alone.." "you shouldn't have to deal with it.." "i want to. i love you. we're in this together. for as long as you'll have me. it's hard, it's really hard sometimes, because i hate seeing you like this..it makes me feel so helpless it reminds me of-- the. program. but it's worth it. for you, it's always worth it." "hinata..." "keep resting. don't strain yourself too much." "i love you...i love you..i love you ..." "i know." going to see mikan and mikan warns them that Yes nagito is in fact pregnant and the fact that he's just come off of chemo and is still in remission is gonna make the pregnancy tough on him physically and that he's gonna get about as sick as he was before but promises it's temporary and that she guarantees he'll see the baby to full term ("link that's medically incorrect" idc link does what he wants Hajime has a dude put in his head via lobotomy science is a liar sometimes) and hajime holds nagito's hand the entire time and presses a kiss to his cheek when he cries a little when mikan says the baby will be healthy and ok and survive and nagito turns to him and gives him a watery smile before laughing and crying joyously a little more and thats when hajime knows they'll be ok. they do talk more abt this whole thing, nagito's motives, bebi,,,,but that's like a 1k fic and this post is alr long enough 😅maybe i'll polish it and make it a fic. long story short, hajime's personally extremely happy that nagito's pregnant, but his worry over nagito's health as a whole, physical and mental kinda trumped that but past that- it's nothing but excitement! (they did not know they were having twins...so excitement and a surprise!) as for bebi, they were very happy to be getting a sibling! they love mimicking everyone they see by talking to their papa's tummy, touching it, generally babbling to komahina how they're gonna share their toys with the baby, will the baby play with them, can they share a room? they always want more love in their life !

[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

[thebibliomancer]

Tides of the Dark Crystal liveblog pt 12

Tides of the Dark Crystal by J.M. Lee because one day to stop the Sifa evacuation lets gooooooo!

Last times on book: Amri and co are on a quest to unite all the Gelfling clans against the Skeksis and have hit an immediate snag. Maudra Ethri of the Sifa has decided instead that the Sifa will ditch Skeksis lands and sail to a new world guided by Captain skekSa, multi-talented voluntary exile from the Castle. Amri tries to stab skekSa which doesn’t go as planned and now he feels like a dumb idiot fool. The Sifa are planning to leave by the next sunset so Team Naia only has one day to change Maudra Ethri’s mind.

Chapter 12

Team Naia attempts to change Maudra Ethri’s mind

While the day outside awakened, soon the cabin was quiet with the gentle sounds of sleep. When he heard snoring, Amri quietly pushed the quilt away, sighing. His body was exhausted but his mind refused to rest. So while the others slept, he silently crept out onto the deck.

Dang Amri, you didn’t sleep at all?

He looks out at the ships bobbing in the bay and thinking about how this is a sight he never could have hoped to see and that back in the Caves of Grot he’d have given anything for these experiences. And now he’s just feeling an intense homesickness.

He ponders how he could just hop off the boat and be home in, like, two days.

Naia comes out and asks if he wants to talk about what happened.

“I don’t know what there is to say.”

Naia nudged him with her elbow. “Just start talking. Words will come... If you want to, that is.”

He had plenty of feelings but he balked at saying them out loud. He tried to come up with something lighthearted to say, but instead of the usually endless-seeming well of quips, all he found was an empty pit of embarrassment and weariness.

=(

It was a kind of characteristic of him to play things off with a joke earlier in the book. Class clown Amri, sad clown Amri.

Naia tells Amri that nobody got hurt so maybe don’t beat himself up too much. And that she was terrified the first time she faced a Skeksis so she admires Amri’s guts to just try to shank one.

Amri says its lucky he attacked the one Skeksis who was willing to forgive.

“She could have...”

“But she didn’t.”

Which I think is the important thing here.

Amri confesses to Naia that he just feels useless. He can’t do anything that the rest of the group takes for granted like... seeing! And walking in shoes! Everything, basically, that he hadn’t wanted Naia to know. How much he was struggling and how lost he feels.

“I just want to be good at something, you know? You’re so strong. Fierce Naia. And Kylan, the song teller with the magic firca. Tavra, soldier daughter of the All-Maudra.”

Maybe Amri’s thing is being a hype-man? Because those are good descriptions of his friends.

“The things I’m good at don’t matter up here... I’m probably going to end up being Amri the Forgotten. Like the rest of my clan.”

Naia caught her breath in her throat. “Oh, Amri...”

She didn’t try to untangle his fists, didn’t tell him not to be sad. Didn’t scold him or tell him he was wrong for feeling the way he felt. She just rested her hand on this, and at the moment it was all he needed. She was with him. Straightforward and truthful, and still sitting beside him despite what he’d told her and what they were up against.

The loneliness clenching his heart loosened.

Aww, frens.

Sometimes you just need permission to feel what you’re feeling out in the open.

And this is honestly a good group to feel overwhelmed and useless in. Every single other POV character has felt the same. And we have to read into Tavra’s feelings because she’s super buttoned up but she’s a spider who can’t do a lot of what she used to do. I think everybody here gets what Amri’s feeling, to one extent or another.

With those feelings out in the opening, Amri pivots over to being frustrated about the Sifa situation. The Sifauation. Although that sounds more like Sifa infatuation. Hmm.

Naia says that she’s disappointed too but its not up to one person to figure this out. The whole point is for Gelfling to come together; to trust and rely on each other.

And then she tells him that they’ll DEFINITELY get through these interesting times because she promised to take him to the Sog to see the Great Smerth and introduce him to Gurjin and the rest of her family. If the real world thinks it can make a liar out of her, it has another thing coming.

Amri wonders if Gurjin got home to the Sog safely but Naia is sure he did because of a sort of twin-bond where right as she’s waking up, when she’s between conscious and unconscious, she feels as if she’s at home in the Sog and knows thats Gurjin.

Twins is special.

Annnnnnd thennnnnn Ethri’s ship the Omerya sets sail.

Followed by the rest of the Sifa ships.

Its not even sunset yet! There’s three suns and they’re rising, not setting! Ethri!

Naia and Amri run to wake everyone up and Onica also sets sail, hoping to catch up to the Omerya before it hits open ocean where its many more sails will make it impossible for Onica’s small ship to catch up.

Hey, does Onica’s boat have a name? It just keeps getting called Onica’s boat.

Onica’s ship the Onica’s Boat pulls alongside the Omerya where Naia’s shouty voice outlouds the waves to reach Ethri.

“If you’re here to try and convince me again, save yourself the effort!” she shouted. “But if you’re here to apologize and come with us, you best hurry up. That little ship won’t make it across the Silver Sea, even with skekSa’s help!”

Apparently a bunch of Sifa had to abandon their smaller boats to consolidate on board the bigger ones.

Even with that I don’t know if all the Sifa will make it. There’s a big difference between ships that hug the coasts and ships designed to cross the ocean.

Onica jumps from Onica’s Boat to the Omerya in a pretty sweet jump and throws a line from the bigger ship to Kylan.

The entirety of Team Naia crosses over to the Omerya to give Ethri a talking at.

“Ethri!” Onica cried. “You must stop this. You must heed the signs. If you have any faith left in me, as a Far-Dreamer -- as your friend!”

“Faith has nothing to do with this, Onica,” Ethri said. “A storm brews in the Skarith Land. That is the sign I’m heeding. The pink petals with their song. The rumors of the Skeksis at the castle, feeding off the Gelfling. I can’t be reckless anymore, not with the lives of my clan at stake. I will do what must be done, winds and tides be damned.”

That would be a heroic determination speech in many other contexts. And if the action were less ‘abandon the other clans.’

And even though Ethri is saying this with determination, Amri and Onica see the doubt in her. Onica begs her to be the Ethri who Onica knows Ethri to be.

“You and Tae trusted me once,” Ethri said. “And you alone paid a terrible price.”

“In exchange for a wonderful gift, worth the price I paid. One I am greatful for every day.”

The Far-Dreamer’s soft reply was like the ocean, passionate and eternal. Even Amri felt swept up in it, and he was but a silent witness to her truth. Onica took Ethri’s shoulders in her hands, and this time the maudra did not protest.

Frens?

So. Hey. There’s some Tragic Backstory between these three Sifa and I know, in the middle of a heart-felt confrontation, is not the time to explain it in detail to anyone not in the loop, but hey, I wanna know.

Onica tells Ethri that they can’t know the future, only heed the signs that Thra gives them. And asks when the last time Ethri looked into the prophecy fires of the Omerya’s hearth.

Its been mentioned a few times that it looks like there hasn’t been a fire lit there in a while.

Tae jumps in and also suggests that Ethri light the hearth of Omerya to read the signs.

All the Sifa on the deck, recognizing a moment for crowd action if they’ve ever seen one, all step forward and join hands.

“And if the flames say we flee?” [Ethri] whispered.

Onica approached the fire and held out her hand, beckoning.

“Then we will heed the sign,” she said. And we will heed it together.”

Wow, what a short book. Well, time to start Flames of the Dark- oh, different flames I guess.

The Sifa parted around Maudra Ethri as she walked to the hearth fire. Onica waited for her, hands open and palms filling with sunlight. Ethri took the Far-Dreamer’s hands and sighed, as if she’d come home after a long journey.

“Then join with me, my beloved Sifa,” Ethri said. “And you, who carry out Aughra’s task. Let us see what the future brings.”

=]

[leotssukinaga]

Out of Reach- Mattsun x Reader, Makki x Reader

Chapter Two

Series Masterlist

Summary: You’ve been friends with Mattsun, Makki, Iwaizumi and Oikawa since first year, and you guys are an unstoppable team. But your crush, and Makki’s, might just bring everything tumbling down. Warnings: Angst, unrequited love, rather a lot of repression. A/N: this is fem!reader now bc I really liked the ‘i dont think thats proper uniform, young lady’ line. u think makki is ur mom friend but hes actually just in love w u 

Giving you his clothes to sleep in had been a mistake, Makki realised. Seeing you asleep on the couch- you'd had a 10 minute debate about who would sleep there and won out of sheer stubbornness- in his hoodie was driving him insane. How was he supposed to stop himself from thinking about going to sleep with you in his arms when you were right there, in his clothes? And who decided you could be that cute when you slept? This was not gonna be an easy week. "Hey, sleepyhead." He gently shook you awake, his heart doing flips when you blinked up at him with sleepy eyes. "Makki... hi." You smiled at him lazily, and he could've kissed you right there. "You gotta go get ready for school. D'you want me to walk you home before I go to practice?" "No it- it's okay. I'll meet you outside the gym before class? I'll bring you something to eat." "That sounds great." He waited for you while you put your clothes back on, but you came out still wearing his hoodie. "I'm cold." You whispered for an explanation. "I'm gonna start keeping a jacket here for you, you'd forget your head if you could." He had absolutely no issue with you keeping his hoodie,except for the fact that it did nothing but worsen the fire you’d lit in his heart. "You sound like my mom when you say that." You pouted at him as you pulled your shoes on. "Well, she's right!"

• • • • • • • • • • 

 He walked out of the gym to see you sat on the bench, now properly attired for school. With one exception- his hoodie, unzipped but still a definite violation of school dress codes. "You know, I don't think that's proper uniform young lady." "Stop talking like my mom! It's creepy." You handed him a box, which contained some rice and pork, and smiled. "Breakfast, made by yours truly." "You sure he won't get food poisoning?" You perked up at the sound of Mattsun’s voice, though it was the kind of thing only Makki would notice. "Oh, morning Mattsun! Don't bully me." You whined at him, but he just stuck his tongue out in response. You wanted to kick yourself for the way your heart fluttered. "Since when did you meet us after monrning practice, Y/N?" Oikawa popped up behind Mattsun, Iwa following suit. "And since when did you start bringing Makki food?" "Since now! He helped me out last night, I'm just being a good friend." Makki chose to ignore what felt like an arrow to his heart. Oikawa didn't seem convinced, glancing between the two of you a few times before moving on. The 5 of you said your goodbyes until lunch and headed to class, and you tried to act like you weren't falling apart as Mattsun relayed his date to you on the way. You were determined to be supportive, no matter how much this hurt. 

• • • • • • • • • •  When you met up with them at lunch, after struggling to get yourself through the crowd Oikawa attracts daily- some of the girls still hadn't gotten the message that you sit with them and that stopping you from getting through is gonna get them nothing more than a glare from Oikawa or some harsh words from Iwa- Mattsun had thankfully exhausted the "I have a girlfriend" topic already, and you didn't have to endure too much pain. What you did have to endure, however, was the consequences of your idiot friends deciding that today was a good day to sit outside despite it being freezing. You'd given Makki his hoodie back already, and hadn't thought to bring a jacket. "Y/N, you're shivering." You looked up at Oikawa, confused for a second- you genuinely hadn't noticed- before you realised. "Oh, well it's cold today. I didn't bring a jacket." You heard Makki sigh next to you, and he pulled his hoodie out of his bag. "Put this back on." "Makki, I'm fine you don't need t-" "Put it on. And bring a jacket tomorrow." You smiled at him, grateful for such a good friend, and pulled it on. You knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. You leaned your head on his shoulder and poked his cheek to make him look at you, grinning at him. "You're so good to me, Makki." "Gah- don't be embarrassing!" He willed his cheeks not to flush as he turned his head away from you. Neither of you noticed Oikawa observing you both carefully.

Chapter Three

[falloutboywife]

I stopped taking my medication back in like. February because I was on it consistently for almost four years and I figured I had adjusted well enough to where I didn't need it anymore, but suffice to say that the reasons my medication was necessary are coming back in full force and destroying my life again. so even if the way I'm acting now is reminiscent of the behavior that got me put on it to begin with, at least its still nowhere near as intense, but its still enough to make me miserable

so like after a ton of bullshit with the doctors office I finally got refills on my prescriptions but one won't be able to be filled until tomorrow because the pharmacy was out of stock, and right now its just the one. I was taking 5mg of the mood stabilizers and 5mg of the antidepressants but after years of the mood stabilizers sedating and exhausting me I asked him to cut that in half and double the antidepressants, but now that I'm struggling again I'm back to he 5mg of the mood stabilizer and 10mg of the antidepressants and fellas

lemme just say

that the way my body feels physically right now is exactly why I stopped taking the medication to begin wifh LMAO I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 14 and every mood stabilizer has always fucking made me exhausted, when I was in the 9th grade and on this experimental drug called geodon I seriously would fall asleep while standing up for the national anthem and I slept in gym class. literally I would sleep in fucking gym class, please do not ask me how I managed it but 9th grade was a miserable time

and the shit im on now isn't as powerful in that aspect but it generally is very normal for me to sleep for like at least 12 hours a day, and for a while getting up before 10am was almost physically impossible. I understand now though that that's just the side effect of being on this, and I do know the benefits greatly outweigh the detriments but it still really fucking sucks LOL

and the thing is I'm not even on the mood stabilizers yet (; this is just the antidepressants babey

but even if i am very tired, I'm already feeling more relaxed and mellowed out. its easier for me to just sit alone with my thoughts without it immediately going to something very nihilistic or morbid, even when a conversation earlier felt like it was headed in that direction. I've been struggling a lot with my depression ever since I lost my childhood cat back in June, and it feels like its only been getting worse in the last year despite having been on medication for a lot of that time. but I'm in a better environment with better people and things are starting to look up for me, and for a long time I was saying how my depression is very much a result of the environment and circumstance I found myself in back in Ohio.

its interesting how now that I'm out of that environment, my depressed thoughts are manifesting in much darker ways, but thats something for a therapist to help me with and not a personal blog post on tumblr dot com where I should be sitting there thinking about babystump's dsl instead of talking about how I'm trying to hate my life less. I have a lot of posts like these saved in my drafts because this is where I get my thoughts out when I feel too bad bothering my friends with this kind of shit but I'm posting this one because its more positive and its an update on how I've been doing I guess for those this applies to

[lil-miss-methodical]

On My Block Season 2 threw down the metaphorical artistic gauntlet & there ain’t a Squad gully enough to pick it up. 

I hope people who've seen season one and now season two realize that what's taken place before their eyes is called elevation. This is how an ongoing show is supposed to handle things. Season one laid down a foundation for its audience and season two did not make the silly mistake of disregarding that foundation but instead pulled that bitch from under the audience’s feet to give us that freefall feeling and then used it to cushion our fall - reminding exactly why we loved it. it had me hyped, made me laugh, made me cry - often all in the same episode. Things that I thought were gonna happen didn’t happen how I thought they were gonna happen and that's how they kept me perched, on edge, interested even through sleep deprivation.

These were the same characters I’d grown to love in season one. Despite the hardship, despite the bullshit they returned to us the characters whom we’d grown to know and love and unveiled them just a bit more. When jamal rolled in money - I felt as though i was rolling in the dough. When Monse was telling Cesar what to do I was nodding along as though she was me, as though her opinions were mine. When Jasmin spoke I listened for a lesson was being given. When Cesar or Ruby cried - we all cried.

The musical scale out did the last and I didn’t even know that was possible. from the very first song they used to open the show and place all of us in our feelings - to the return of the track that left such a huge mark last season. They music not only to alter how we feel moment to moment, but to make authentic the era, style and culture the show is marked upon.

The Breakdown:

This season is broken down into two variables - solo hero's journey & and overarching theme.  The former can be elements as such: 

- Ruby's battle with PTSD

- Monse's battle of solidifying her feet instead of running

- Jamal's fight to be shine, be seen, be respected (and that has as much to do with audience as with Squad)

- Cesar's unsettled feeling of being alone (although he and we really learn how much he has)

- Jasmin staking her claim to her position

With season one ending in a death of a loved on and a wound of his own - we find Ruby healing. At first he's in a state of denial...This is a reality many black and brown people find themselves suck in, not about the mishap no, but about the trauma that comes with it. Like Ruby, we disassociate. We go with a 'it's life, bad shit happens, yet I'm alive and I should see the blessing in that and keep pushing forward' mentality that does not allow us to first dissect that trauma and journey through that pain as we should. The show acknowledges that damage and thus we end up having seemingly unlikely people help Ruby he's not only on a journey but deserves to allow himself to take that path to real recovery. Jason Genao did such a wonderful job - from the simplicity of wanting to unwind with some spontaneous party organizing to the quick emotional windup that taunts when something reminds you of your trauma.

Monse is the character I relate to the most because I see myself in the nature of her traits while also being able to identify with her internal struggle. Being abandoned put puts a complex within an individual that most people cannot understand - def it's that first abandonment is by a parent who we're taught is supposed to love, protect and be there for us. People who are abandoned can either gain traits of being clingy or having issues forming a bond or leaving. Monse of course like most has a duality of this. The bond is important to her and she'll do anything to maintain it but on the other hand she has a sense to leave when stuff it too uncomfortable. We see this several time in this season alone. But the real lesson for Monse is not a reprehend on her fears or traits but reality of being loved and accepted. No matter what you do, where you go, you love us and we love you and we'll be waiting when you get back.

Jamal is that character doesn't get the respect he deserves - that in story and from the audience that watches the show. The show took this in hand this season. As Jamal never ceased to remind the squad of his work on their behalf he steepled his worth asl and the actor that plays him, Brett Gray, yet again flexed his comedic chops for the masses yet again. I think Jamal doesn't understand how iconic he is, how amazing he is for those in story and out. He's coming off of that high of being on the heels of an adventure.

Jasmin also got shine this season. They humanize her without changing her, dimming her light or having her apologize for who she is as women have to do when the world feels they're too boisterous, too loud in tone, look and voice. She loved herself enough to remain true to herself and those who took the time out to see who that was, got to love her. Like all the characters she was opinionated, and even when the whole crew don't realize it she has something to add to the squad - thus what allows her to be the honorary member of the team. Also Jessica Garcia is another comedic genius in the element.

Cesar went from being in the hard place of his brother's gang to being in what seemed like an impossible place of no gang and seemingly no protection. Exiled from the Santos he's literally homeless and isolated from his last remaining relative. He find himself shipping from one one home to the next, exhausted with having to adapt to different family cultures. This was interesting because as they show we are ironically who we are in part do to our family living styles at home. There were a lot of jokes about Cesar's one color tanks and knee high shorts but when he starts surfing from house to house you get to see this 'culture' of how these people lived from an outsiders perspective - the man chilling vibe he received with Monse's dad. The rushed, lively, full feeling of Ruby's home that at first felt crowded to him. The eccentric way Jamal ran his bedroom. Even the weirdness of Chivo and his 'family'. While these aspects of these difference threw him of kilter at first he learned to appreciate and truly love each and everyone for those same difference. He learned the art of gratitude because people tend to treat their homes as their safe places - not just for heir forms but their identities. We can be exact who we are in the face of our homes. As he thought he had nothing, those around him that loved him welcomed him into their safe space - despite the physical danger. This bonded his relationship with these people even more because there's a difference in saying we're family and you showing that I'm your family. And yes it was beautiful to see them credit the two black men of the parenthood for taking this kids life seriously and holding court for him. It was beautiful watching him come to love and appreciate Jamal and understand the wealth that comes with this friendship and making a strong brotherhood (def considering the war of gangs between brown and black men).

Every character must thread their given path to meet in a middle of shorts with everyone else. And noticed I didn't say they must complete the journey - travel it alone. We get the the end satisfied but still with the knowledge that the work is yet to be done. Ruby's PTSD and pain did not magically dissolve. Monse's abandonment issues didn't evaporate into nothingness. Jamal may have sculpt his worthiness yet the anxiety of 'what's next' still snipes at him. Cesar may have learned to appreciate what he does have but lost in the aspect of independence and what that means in the face of those around him that he loves and how to make that not mean being alone. Jasmin may have Ruby and us kneeling at her feet learning the error of our ways but she still got 3 other members to break.

It is these individual journeys that push the narrative forward, that reveals the overarching theme so to speak. Without these journeys there's nothing to carry the overarching theme. This is what I call great writing because it forces the threads to connect but still allows all individual characters to have their own position in the story that equals out.

The Revelation of a Theme:

Everything about this season was about family. When we watched Spooky, Mario, and Jasmin help guide Ruby through his symptoms of PTSD and trauma, what we were witnessing was family at work. When Cesar, Jamal, and Ruby laughed while rolling their eyes in disbelief of Monse's leaving for good speech - thats was love. When they tell her you'll be back and we'll be here...that was the understanding of family. When we see those around Jamal grow to see his worth by working to this appreciation its an aspect of a real family’s effort. The sacrifice, and support that came both for and from Cesar was hella representation of family. Jasmin’s whole storyline is the representation of new family.

This season didn't truffle with pointlessness. They didn't find conflict by creating false hate between the characters. They didn't drag this aspect of 'let's blame Cesar' or have that be an easy tension between him and Ruby. As a matter of fact their bond was deepened. Ruby had no hate in his heart for Cesar, instead he embraced his brother in the street and they cried, for themselves and each other.

This whole season was about being willing to sacrifice, being willing to be selfless for those you love. Everyone allowing Cesar to live with them, Jamal allowing it to be 'our' money, Monse's dad not trying to force her to stay away from her mom despite his feelings where Julia was concerned, them risking it to clean the money, Jamal giving up the gnome. Their rush to burn the money when they thought it would put someone else life in danger.

It was this concept of sacrifice and selflessness that sends Cesar after Latrelle in hopes of freeing his friends when Ruby comes to him distraught.

Cesar on most scopes is not a killer. As he told his brother he's not cut from the cloth of gang life. We see him called pussy for not being about that life. For not being able to end a life over turf wars, money, or Ill-intent words thrown his way. But as everyone had to show what they were willing to do for the concept of family - so too did Cesar. Good or bad - we saw what Cesar would be willing to pull the trigger for.

They all loved eachother, with that love came a protection and a fight to rival any and all that didn't have good intentions. This season was love. It was family, sacrifice, acceptance, respect. Ruby was willing to heal for it, Monse willing to stay for it, Jamal willing to fight for it, Jasmin is willing to be patient for it, Cesar was willing to kill for it. OMB is about this diverse mix of kids who have this bond that they've learned to nurture. It's speak on who they're allowed to be because it and how far they're willing to go to keep it.

In my last review my byline was "On my block, squad means family" and this season has proven that for this crew,  squad still and always will mean Familia.

How do you define family and how do you allow it to define you?

Other post/aspects to be on the look out for:

Mario/Ruby vs Spooky/Cesar Cesar X Monse - The breakdown Monse Family -The genius Jamal/Jasmin Jasmin/Ruby

Don’t forget to follow me for future post and reviews!

[buttercupart]

So how do you see Frisk & Chara's relationship playing out based on your headcanons?

sorry im getting to this So late... I’m also answering this assuming a few failed-no-mercy-turned-neutral runs -> pacifist run bc thats my own personal hc 

Frisk falls down, bitter and upset at being alive because they did not expect nor want to be, and ghost narrator Chara is still dazed and confused because the last thing they remember is dying. Both of them are hurt and upset and angry and terrified and enraged and etc etc etc. Chara talks about how everyone and everything is worthless, including themselves, this eggs on Frisk who starts lashing out at anything that moves, then once they feel guilt creeping up their back, they reset and do this over and over again, both them and Chara retaining memories of it.

After a good number of runs, they’re both finally... exhausted, and horrified at what they’d done. The breaking point is when they finally get to New Home on their last attempt at a no mercy run and they both agree that they can’t do this anymore, and that a different path must be chosen. Thus, they make a decision to always show kindness to others even in the potential absence of receiving any back, and this starts them on their final run; the pacifist run.

Chara takes their narrator role to Frisk much more seriously, trying to make the underground seem like a more fun and interesting place they remembered it in life, and slowly but surely reveal themself to be someone who likes reading long pretentious books, who likes making puns, who likes knitting sweaters for their dad, who loves baking pie with their mother, who loves drawing pictures with their brother, but most importantly; a child that was/is hurting inside, just like Frisk.

By the end of the pacifist run, Frisk doesn’t want to leave Chara, doesn’t want to give up the only true friendship they’ve had in years, with the only other person who’s ever truly understood them. Chara insists that it’s alright, that this is what must happen, and they return to their resting place under the golden flowerbed and go back to sleep. Asriel stays by their grave, waiting for his goat form to dissipate and to return back to being Flowey. Frisk is filled with dread at the thought of having to leave Chara and Asriel behind, but they’re even more filled with determination to save these kids they’ve grown to care for so much. After doing a full sweep before going back to New Home, they eventually leave the underground with everyone else, pondering ways in which they could eventually give Chara and Asriel the happy ending they truly deserve the entire time.

All in all, despite the fact that they had an exceptionally rocky start to their friendship, Frisk and Chara understand one another and the struggles they’ve gone through like almost no one in either of their lives ever previously has. They’re friends, of course, but they also regard each other as siblings.

[wordsandshawn]

Coming Home To You

Requested: Y/n works in the hospital and come home from work exhausted and she's been on call all week and so many people have died and Shawn is cooking dinner knows she's about to break down the second she walked through that door and he saw her face and she just collapses on him and cries and he conforts her. thank u!

[feat. exhausted y/n, caring!Shawn, fluff, fluff, FLUFF]

~

This entire week has honestly been so much more difficult than you expected. You work as a nurse in a hospital, and this is your second year, so you thought you’ve experienced everything there is to experience, but this week has proven you so wrong, and left you exhausted. 

When your shift finally ends, all you can think about is getting home to Shawn. Shawn had some time off this week, but you’ve had to work the whole week, which made it even worse for you since you were on call all week. Just to survive the drive back home without falling asleep, you have to blast the ac and turn the music up loud, forcing yourself to sing along and keep your eyes from falling closed. 

When you finally manage to get home and inside, you spot Shawn in the kitchen cooking dinner. He looks up at you when he hears the door close. “Hey love, how was work?” He questions, but his smile quickly  fades when he notices how exhausted you are. 

You take a deep breath. Thats not even a question you want to answer, not a question you want to even think about right now, so you just say, “Long.”

With the long hours, and extra stress this week, you’re left feeling emotionally exhausted and physically drained. You knew going into it that being a nurse isn’t easy. You knew it was hard work and not for the faint of heart, but you didn’t know it would be this hard. 

Shawn notices that you’re barely holding it together. You drop your purse on the ground next to you as Shawn immediately does the thing he does best. He always knows just what you need. He quickly closes the space between the two of you, dinner now abandoned forgotten on the stove as he wraps his arms around your body. Before you can process anything, the tears are pouring down your face and you can’t stop them. You don’t even try.

“I got you,” Shawn whispers into your ear as he cradles your head close to his chest. You haven’t even told him what's wrong. You haven’t found the words to describe to him how difficult your week has been. He knows to some extent, but not fully. He doesn't seem to need you to tell him for him to be able to sense that a lot is wrong, but mostly you’re just exhausted. You’ve spent so much time over this past week taking care of so many people. Sometimes it was unappreciated. Sometimes it didn’t even seem to make a difference. And now you so badly need someone to take care of you. 

Its a good thing Shawn is here because you’re not sure what would have happened if you had to come home to an empty house. You don’t want to think about the what ifs because this is one thing you can be grateful for right now. 

You’re leaning all of your body weight on Shawn, not trusting yourself to support your own weight, but Shawn doesn’t complain. He holds you up, lending you his strength for the moment. He leans back a little, pushing you off of him slightly. He only does this so he can see your face. He doesn’t expect you to tell him what’s wrong right now. He’s got a pretty good idea it has to do with the stress of your job becoming too much, and the exhaustion that had been piling up all week. He just needs to look at your face. He needs to be sure that its not something else, that you don’t need something else from him. 

He wipes a few tears away from your face, and you’re not liking the distance so you lean in again and he wraps his arms back around your shoulders. After a few more minutes of you crying, your tears finally start to subside. You find yourself feeling weak and foolish for crying so unprovoked, but all Shawn says as you finally stop is, “I know it’s been a rough day, a rough week really.” 

He gently kisses the top of your head in the most loving and caring way possible, “I got you now. I’ll take care of you.” 

You’re used to taking care of people, your patients, your family, your friends, Shawn. But sometimes you just can’t do it because you have nothing left. In times like this, you can’t take care of anyone because you can barely take care of yourself. Shawn knows that better than anyone. He knows how much you struggle when you’re feeling like this because you’re used to taking care of people. Shawn’s the only person in your life who genuinely cares to take care of you.

You start to push him away, mumbling something about going to bed, but he pulls you back to himself. “Food first.” His voice is soft and kind, but it also isn’t a question or option. You want to sleep, more than anything right now, but there’s no denying the fact that you haven’t eaten anything for the past eight hours, and your growling stomach isn’t letting up. Even Shawn probably heard it, which is why he’s so insistent that you eat first. 

You nod, untangling yourself from Shawn’s arms as you start toward the stove. He follows closely behind, “I got it babe, go sit down?” This time it is a question. He knows you don’t do well with sitting idly while other people work. 

“I’ll get us drinks.” You say, instead of listening to his request to sit down. He’s satisfied with that, having expected nothing less from you, even when you’re exhausted. 

You struggle to keep your eyes open, but you devour your food rather quickly. Even though you knew that your stomach was growling, it was like you didn’t realize how hungry you were until the food was in front of you. 

When you’re finished, you take the dishes to the sink and turn on the water to start washing them. “Leave it baby, I’ll do it later.” You hear Shawn’s voice from across the kitchen. He’s putting the remaining food away in the fridge. 

“No, Shawn,” You reply simply, “You cooked.” It’s part of your rules, when one person cooks, the other cleans up after dinner. It’s only fair. 

He comes up behind you, taking the dish out of your hand, “And you worked all day.” He turns off the water, and pulls you away from the sink. You don’t even bother resisting. 

He leads you upstairs into the bathroom where he turns on the shower, checking to make sure he gets the temperature just right. You quickly step out of your scrubs, then start undoing the braids in your hair. You’re honestly so tired and not exactly thinking straight, so you don’t know if Shawn is intending to shower himself or if he’s just turning it on for you. Whether or not he is planning on showering, you’re going to get in there, not caring to wait your turn. 

He steps back, turning to you once he decides the water is the right temperature, and you step in. He observes you for a few seconds, probably trying to make sure you’re not going to fall asleep in the shower. When he finally decides that you seem awake enough, he leaves the bathroom, leaving the door open a crack behind him. You don’t think much of it, and quickly shower, wanting to just be clean and in bed.

Shawn enters the bathroom again just as you’re finishing up. You see him through the foggy shower door. He puts some clothes down on the kitchen sink then begins to brush his teeth. Once you’re out of the shower, you wrap yourself up in a towel. Shawn finishes brushing his teeth, and he lets you know that he brought the clothes in for you before he leaves the bathroom again. 

You put on your underwear before pulling on the white t-shirt that’s way too big because it’s Shawn’s. You love wearing Shawn’s t-shirts to bed, and he knows that. After putting on moisturizer and brushing your teeth, you’re finally ready to fall into bed. 

When you enter your bedroom, Shawn is seated on the small couch in the corner of the room folding laundry. He must have washed it while he was home today and just taken it out of the dryer. You barely pay attention to him, crawling into bed. 

You lay alone for a few seconds before calling out, “Shawn?”

“Yeah babe?” He responds from across the room. 

“Are you coming to bed?” 

“As soon as I finish folding the laundry. I don’t want it to be wrinkled.”

You nod, even though your eyes are closed so you’re not even sure if he is looking at you or not. Turning onto your side, you try to fall asleep again. After a few more minutes, you realize that you can’t fall asleep, despite how exhausted you are. 

“Shawn?”

“Mhmm?” You hear him hum in response.

“How much longer?” You can’t help that you’re being needy. On any other night, you’d just be grateful that Shawn is doing laundry, but tonight you don’t care. Tonight you only see it as something keeping him from you, and you want none of it. 

He only chuckles at this question, realizing how much you want him in bed with you. You open your eyes to see him abandoning the laundry basket of clothes, and coming over to the bed. He crawls in next to you. Lying on his side, he rests his hand on your waist to let you know he’s there. 

You pull his hand so his arm is wrapped around you, his hand close to your chest. He readjusts, getting closer to you. Finally, you’re content enough to let the exhaustion overpower you as you fall into a deep sleep in Shawn’s arms.

[punkpal]

Okay i’m sorry for this rant but i am struggling and i’m running out of hope so some of y’all better donate some of yours before i combust...

Read at your own discretion.

And please if you have any lived experience of complete fucking hopelessness along with bipolar disorder (because that specific diagnosis in my rather long list of conditions is really new to me) i am not coping and could do with some advise, so please do share if you have any, it would be really helpful.

Okay so i call bullshit.

I spent 3 months in a manic episode as a result of a setting change in my brain implant (the one i got to reduce the symptoms of my ocd which obviously as per my chronic bad luck not only didn’t work or help in the slightest but also gave me bipolar)...

Then upon getting tired of waiting for the mania to disappear i changed settings after finally getting permission from my surgeon who finally had also given up hope that the mania would subside and the setting start to work to help rather then hinder.

Only for the new setting to send me on the opposite side of the spectrum and make me suicidal (luckily only for 2 weeks as i was getting ever increasingly more unsafe even whilst inpatient in a psych ward, so a change of settings was allowed quicker for my own safety). But boy did that feel like a lifetime when every waking moment of those 2 weeks felt like i was drowning.

And just because after 10 months of constant setting changers (almost all of which options i have tried) i was getting tired of getting my hopes up with a new setting change, only for it to make things worse; i went back to a really low setting as per my doctors suggestion and i thought that would be a good choice.

That setting i changed back to, i had been on before and while it didn’t help it didn’t make me worse so until i can be fucked trying new settings with the chance it would send me over the brink i opted for a safe setting that in the past has done fuck all which i am willing to deal with if it means i don’t risk getting worse.

BUT

Noooo. No rest for the wicked, my bloody fucking manias back and while i new that was a possibility as the mania was caused by a specific setting and would likely only be present on that setting. It was mentioned that there was a possibility that the mania would stay because basically of an accidental fuck up caused by that old setting that is now causing that side effect to continue even when on a otherwise reasonably safe setting.

So long story short the mania is irreversible and likely will come in and out of my life on and off indiscriminately as well as the other half of the bipolar diagnosis (i know officially have, yay) being increased long periods of suicidal ideation and i am BIB MAD.

I got this surgery to help the main out of 7 mental illnesses (ocd) and satan or karma or god or whoever the fuck dished me out a entirely new diagnosis instead of fix the one i wanted benefited.

PLUS i scored a brain infection thats the first of its kind (that my state has ever seen) as a result of this surgery despite this surgery being common - mostly used for Parkinsons. And to this day i am still facing shitty physical health as a result of this, even having to have 2 surgeries 2 weeks ago to fix damage that infection caused by that ‘life saving, mental illness curing, miracle brain surgery’.

Honestly will my bad luck ever come to an end?

Theres only so much i can take.

And worse is i fear this mania will come to an end only to segway into a episode of prolonged suicidal ideation (and even intent) like what happened last time. Because i can’t deal with that again, not on top of all the other issues my still really really really fucking bad ocd is causing me.

I don’t get why all of this is happening to me.

What did i do to deserve all of of this misfortune?

Am i getting punished for crimes my soul committed in a previous life?

Does god exist and he’s a little bitch who has it out for me and goes out of his way to make my life miserable?

Am i actually dead and living in hell paying my debt to the devil in the form long term suffering and hopelessness?

Or am i cursed? Is that it?

Whatever the reason i have had enough.

Also honest observation insert: Apparently when i started venting my manic fueled frustrations in this post my mood was still heightened but if noticeable in the sharp change of pace in this post the mania has officially began to leave the building now (which i guess was what i was asking for) but as is tradition the end of this mania (thats luckily only been going on a few days) has plunged me balls deep into the depressive part of my bipolar and man is the desire to die starting to look more and more appealing.

I won’t do anything don’t worry!

I mean i guess now i have scored the start of a break from what was only a small manic episode but exhausting nonetheless. So i can finally get a good nights sleep, because the mania was defiantly cock blocking me from achieving shut eye until tonight. So i’ll use this opportunity to catch up on a week of lost sleep (plus sleep is like a vacation from life, a short visit into destination ‘dead’) so experiencing the complete lack of being consciousness through sleep will be a nice little visit into what i crave (death) without the huge commitment that comes with death and the sadness it causes others.

Any way this last week or so of mania has not been fun but as i crash into the opposite end of that bipolar scale i am realizing how much more preferable that mania was as apposed to my current quickly declining mood. And upon reflection take back all the smack i talked about mania only because now i want to go back in time to that manic period rather be in this dangerously depressing present i am currently getting stuck in. And just argghhhh.

Right when i think it can’t get any worse it does and then this happens again and again a fucking again.

When will all this suffering end? And when it does end will it do so by eventual good luck and recovery or eventual giving up and the welcoming of death like an old friend?

Because i really do want that first option to be the case. After all thats why i chose to get this surgery - for hope of recovery (and because it was the last option in recovery that i had yet to try). Because i do hold onto hope and i do want to fight for my recovery until i eventually obtain it.

But i have been fighting for this false sense of hope for more then a decade but the longer i wait and the harder i fight for recovery the more it hurts when i get nothing but bad luck to set me backwards every time i think i have made progress. And so the vicious cycle repeats.

This toxic cycle of suffering really does make it hard to continue feeling positive about the future. Therefor at times like these i find it easier not looking at the future at all because i don’t see myself being alive long enough to be in it most of the time. And that concept actually really does put me at ease.

Nonetheless i wake up and try again and again chasing what little hope i do still have left over from the abundance of hope i used to have before over time i began to loose most of it.

This dwindling hope really does scares me though because i am worried especially now with how low i am at the moment that any day soon that hope will start to run out until i don’t have enough left to save me from myself and if that happens i see no other outcome but to welcome death and admit defeat.

And don’t get worried ‘welcoming death and admitting defeat.’ is only a back up plan, its just kind worrisome to know the current plan isn’t gong too crash hot either and that my only organized backup plan revolves death.

Any way, this letter along with my mood stating off manic as hell.

And somehow ended here. In disappear.

But i fight on, for however long i have it in me to continue fighting.

And i ask (well lets be honest at this point i am basically begging) that the powers that be give me a break. I deserve it. Look even if that break isn’t recovery can it at least be to not continue getting worse. Because i don’t know how much further down this rabbit hole i can go...