#and that's still better than the bible they put together trying to get a potential series out of it! absolutely Bad

[ssahotstuff]

Aaron Hotchner Playlist Collection 💕

Listen To Your Heart by Roxette here

Warnings: Hotch being a jerk, but there’s a happy ending! Smut, cursing, alcohol consumption, a bit of mutual pining/sexual tension/angsty kinda, reader is a member of the BAU and Hotch is making her life hell lol

This stands alone and isn’t part of any series howeverrrrrr it could potentially get a pt 2 if enough people are interested haha I didn’t really proofread so don’t come for me

Word count: 6.3k

You'd been walking since you left work for the day, in an unknown direction, but mostly towards home. The side streets and deserted alleys were all as empty as you felt, trudging through the light fall of snow on the ground. You'd left the BAU on a mission to get him out of your head, and you were determined to walk him off; shake him anyway possible, but even after an hour of walking through the city, you didn't feel any better.

You were convinced that he couldn't stand you. His behavior was normal, usually: barking orders, leading ruthlessly, everything a fearless Unit Chief is required to do. But things had changed in the last few weeks. He'd been short with you more than once, and he'd even made it a point to single you out on several cases, which was embarrassing. You put in a tremendous amount of work and effort for your job, more than anyone else because you were the newest member, and you still had to prove yourself. But after saving more lives than you could count, including some of your team, he still didn't take you seriously.

No matter how rude he'd been lately, you couldn't shake him from your mind, which is why you were trying a new method. You planned to train your brain to think of anything else but him; the weather, your job, your hobbies, but god forbid, you wouldn't last another day if your every thought was laced with Hotch.

You'd stumbled into the dimly lit, half empty bar by chance, ordering a drink at the bar and retreating to an empty table near the back where you could clear your head. Completely emptying your brain was impossible, but you did everything you could to try to silence the thoughts of a more mundane life with Hotch, one that would never be a reality. You didn't even need mundane, you would have settled for the occasional day off spent with him, but he obviously didn't feel the same.

"What do we know so far?" Rossi's voice came from behind you on the jet, and he explained his thoughts on the current case before Hotch jumped in, voicing his opinion as well. It wasn't long until you were all bouncing ideas at each other, brainstorming as much as you could before you landed.

"We should check and see if the women went to church together," Emily said, and you were jumping in too, suggesting bible studies, faith based programs for women, anything that they could've shared in common.

"Let us decide what should be checked out and what shouldn't," Hotch said flatly, barely glancing up from his file as he told you in the nicest way possible that your input wasn't needed. Things got even worse when you ended up being right, and the connection between the victims ended up being a faith based support group. Derek politely reminded them after 4 days without a break in the case that you'd suggested it on the plane, and Hotch had been pissed with you since.

"Being right once doesn't solve cases," he'd told you, earning a scoff from Morgan as he turned to make sure you were alright.

"What the hell did I do wrong?"

You were on the verge of tears in the back of the car on the way back to the precinct to regroup with Reid, JJ and Rossi. You quickly wiped at your face to hide any evidence of emotion and kept your mouth shut until you were back with your team. You didn't offer any input unless you were addressed directly, which caused a lot of unwanted glances from Reid and JJ, who were the only two people who knew about your crush on Hotch. JJ came to stand next to you so she could ask if you were okay when Hotch interjected, telling the two of you to save the gossip for the plane ride home. JJ knew immediately that he was your problem, with his moody, impatient behavior and sudden disdain for you.

You didn't speak first for the rest of the day, but you'd finally found your unsub; the leader of the support group. When everyone headed to the restaurant connected to the hotel, you opted for room service and spent the remainder of the evening alone until JJ and Reid came up to check on you.

You explained how Hotch had been acting for the last few weeks, both of them exchanging a sad glance before turning to you, trying to offer any comfort at all.

"We'll be home tomorrow and you won't have to see him for a couple of days. It'll be fine," JJ told you, but you weren't convinced. You paced the majority of the night, which was the only thing that seemed to work for your current issue. As long as you were moving constantly, he couldn't invade your mind.

As you boarded the jet the next morning, Morgan was the first to question you on why you skipped dinner with the team.

"Too good to share a meal with us?" He said with a sly smile, which you met back with a fake one. You couldn't even muster up enough energy to try; you wanted to go home and forget the last couple of days happened.

"I was working," you said flatly, retreating to the front of the cabin so you could sit alone. It wasn't a lie; you'd been working tirelessly to erase your broody unit chief from your mind with no such luck. It had been an exhausting night, and you couldn't wait to be back home in your own bed to sulk.

"Working? Since when do you work when we're off the clock?" Reid asked, to which you shrugged before sitting your stuff down, crossing your arms over your chest.

"Since last night. Since when does everybody question everything I do?" Your snappiness earned shocked looks from both men, but they left it alone. They sensed your attitude was from something else entirely, and they were correct. They'd been caught in the crossfire of your dilemma with Hotch, which you hated, but you shook it off and took your seat, which meant Morgan wasn't far behind. You could hear his footsteps, heavy and determined, coming straight for you.

"If we made you upset—"

"No, you didn't. I'm sorry, Derek. It's just—Hotch has been calling me down for every move I make and I'm not sure what I've done wrong."

His eyes softened as he took the seat next to you, unsure of what to say. No one would speak out against him for fear of what would happen afterwards. It was hard defending yourself against someone that had the authority to shut you down without a second thought about it.

"His job is a tough one. Don't let it bug you too much," he patted your shoulder, but you felt even worse than before. You were just supposed to accept his behavior and move on. He didn't treat the others that way; he wouldn't dare. The only person he took his frustrations out on was you.

By the time everyone else boarded the jet, you were already buckled in and waiting to take off. The chatter aboard the plane was chipper, everyone was excited to get home and spend the next few days away from the horrors of the job. You were more than grateful to be getting away from work for a little while. You put in your headphones and tried to concentrate on your music to drown out your thoughts, with little luck. Every song that played reminded you of the way you felt, despite his actions.

The flight felt longer than it actually was, dragging out for what seemed like an eternity. You stayed to yourself, despite Reid asking you to come join in on a poker game. He knew your issues, so he didn't pressure you, instead he went back to his seat and acted as if you were asleep when he came to ask so no one else would try to convince you to play. Despite telling them this, you heard a heavy pair of footsteps coming to a halt in front of you.

"You did exceptional on this case, you know."

It was Rossi, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. You looked up at him and shrugged, because you'd felt like a failure at every move you made thanks to Hotch's attitude.

"I'm trying," you fought the tears that threatened to spill over, the lump in your throat growing considerably at his kind words. You felt rough, and if one of the most talented men in the FBI thought you were doing great, then that meant something.

"What's wrong, kid? I've never seen you like this."

You didn't want to get into it again, you just told him you felt like Hotch was on your ass for no reason.

"Ah. You confuse moodiness with sexual tension," he sat down, his arms still crossed. This immediately caught your attention, so you listened intently and waited for his explanation.

"I think it's getting harder for him to hide his feelings and now he's taking it out on the object of his affections."

You were stunned to say the least. You would've never guessed his attitude was because he didn't know how to approach you about his feelings. He sure was doing a knock out job at making you think the exact opposite.

"You sound insane, Rossi."

He chuckled, leaning in close so only you could hear.

"If you're waiting on him, you'll be waiting forever. It has to be you."

He left you to ponder this shocking revelation, and waited on the plane to land. You were the last person to get off, letting everyone head to the parking garage. You left your car, and that's how you ended up in the smoky bar.

"Can I get another one of these?" The bartender gave you a smile and a nod before she was off to refill your drink. You took out your phone and contemplated calling Hotch but you thought better of it. He'd been really pissed at you, and despite Rossi's explanation, you weren't ready to call him.

When your drink returned, you sucked it down quickly, already feeling a little better about the days prior. If you could just figure out how to get him out of your head, you'd be winning.

Your phone began to ring, JJ checking in on you.

"Where'd you go? Your car is still here and Hotch said he never saw you leave," she sounded worried about you.

"I walked. I'm okay, I just needed some air."

"...Y/n, it's snowing outside. You planning on walking back to Quantico for your car?"

You didn't have a solid answer for her, because you hadn't thought that far ahead. You were planning to walk until you solved the current issue at hand; at this rate, you'd be walking for a month.

"I'll take a cab. I shouldn't be driving right now anyway. I'm fine, JJ. I just can't stop thinking about how Hotch treated me this week. I feel like shit, and I need to sulk and get over him so I can stop feeling this way."

Her end was mostly silent as she processed your words, and you hoped you hadn't sounded too ill with her. You just weren't in the mood to be bothered by anyone.

"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Her voice was thick with concern, but you assured her you were fine. You were going to have a few drinks, feel sorry for yourself a little while longer, and then take a cab back home.

"Go home and get some sleep, JJ. I'll call you in the morning and we'll go do brunch," brunch always cheered the two of you up, because usually brunch was a trio activity. You, JJ and Reid would go do bottomless mimosas and let Reid drive you home. It was always a good time.

"You're buying," she shot back before she hung up, but you didn't miss her telling someone in the background "it's bad," in a hushed voice, which had led you to believe you'd been on speakerphone the entire time, and someone else heard your conversation. You assumed it was Reid, and tried to let it go. You didn't have the energy to worry about it anymore.

"I'll take another. Make it a double, please."

✨✨✨

"So how do I fix it?"

After hearing the conversation between JJ and Y/n, I knew I had to do something to make up for the way I'd been acting. I hadn't realized I was being so abrasive; I didn't mean to be. It was getting harder to be around her and not focus all of my attention on her. She made me a distracted, inattentive ball of nerves that I couldn't contain any longer.

"I don't know, Hotch. But it's bad. I've never heard her so sad before," the guilt swallowed me up as I grabbed my keys and headed for Penelope's office.

"I need you to tell me where Y/n is," I shut the door behind me and made my way to one of many monitors, all of which were running simultaneously.

"Give me just a second, her phone is on, so it shouldn't take me long to tell you," she typed away at her keyboard before pulling up an address I was more than familiar with; it was the home of one of the only bars in the city I'd go to; it was also a thirty minute drive, so I had no clue if she'd stay put or not.

"Thank you, Garcia," I called, already making my way out the door and to the elevator. Once I'd made it to my car, I realized how bad the weather was getting, the snow blanketing the city quickly. I was more than cautious as I made my way to the bar; thankfully it was close to home so I didn't have far to travel afterwards.

I made my way inside, scanning each patron until I spotted her near the back, alone at a table, leaned against the seat back. She looked pitiful, and the pit in my stomach grew. If she ever liked me before, she didn't anymore, and that was obvious. She seemed miserable, stuck in her thoughts, no doubt trying to figure out what she'd done to make me act like such a jackass.

I wasn't the type of person to explain myself, but if I ever wanted a redemption shot at having her, I had no choice. I crossed the bar, sitting across from her at the table. She didn't exactly look happy to see me, but she did look like she'd been expecting me, because there was a glass in front of me already.

"Garcia told me you were coming," she said flatly, swirling the drink in her own glass, her gaze fixed on the table.

"You're far from home and the snow is getting deep outside," she shrugged, sighing heavily as she finished the last of her drink.

"I'm done. I was going to head home but Garcia told me to stay here."

"You don't need to be driving. If you want, you can stay at my place tonight. It's closer."

She shot an eyebrow up at me, chuckling lightly.

"Why are you being so nice to me? You've made it really clear that you have no intentions of accepting me. I'll take a cab, but thank you anyway."

She was pissed. She had every right to be, I'd been acting like an asshole since I first developed real feelings for her. It was originally to keep her at a distance, but as the tension grew, so did my frustrations. I was caught in a tricky situation, so I had no choice but to come clean to her.

"I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. It isn't your fault. I'm sorry that I made you feel so bad that you thought the only solution was to come here, alone, in the snow, with it dark out."

Her face softened slightly as she peered up at me, her hand on her cheek, elbow propped up on the table.

"It's fine."

"It's not fine. I hurt your feelings and that's the last thing I want to do. You're special to me, to the team. I'm sorry that I made you think otherwise."

There was a moment of hesitation before she spoke again, pausing to look out the window at the steady flurry of snowfall.

"We better go before it gets bad," she said softly, paying her tab and following me out to the car. She shrugged her jacket on, rubbing her arms to stay warm as I got the car started and turned on the heat. The snow had gotten worse since I came to get her, covering the windshield of the car.

"I doubt you'll make it to brunch tomorrow," I joked, and she smiled for the first time in a week.

"I think JJ will understand if we're snowed in," she shot back, and I couldn't think of anything better than being grounded with her because of the snow.

"Lucky for us, I have a fireplace in the living room," my thoughts were suddenly driven by lust, imagining all of the ways we could keep each other warm by the fire. I pulled in the driveway and led her inside, immediately relieved by the warmth of the house. She took off her jacket and I put it on the hook next to mine, retreating to the kitchen to make us a cup of coffee. She followed me, sat down at the table, watching me curiously. I'm sure my sudden change of heart had her confused, as well as the turn of events for the evening. I never anticipated being alone with her, and if the snow didn't ease up through the night, it could turn into more than one night spent together.

I sat beside her at the table, handing her the mug. We'd all had a long flight, so I knew she was probably as exhausted as she looked. She'd drained all of her energy trying to get over my behavior.

"You're really hard to resist. I thought I could do it when you first joined the team, but the more I get to know about you, the less I want to resist it."

She stared blankly back at me while she tried to puzzle the pieces together, taking a long sip of her coffee before she answered.

"You're confusing, Hotch. One minute you're jumping down my throat and now...Did you think pissing me off would chase me away?"

"I don't know what I thought. I just didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position if you didn't feel the same, and I figured it was best to keep you at a distance."

Truthfully, she was the first person I'd wanted since Haley. I hadn't known how to deal with the way she made me feel inside: warm, comfortable, so at ease that just being around her made me feel better. Of course, I pushed these thoughts aside, which is where my erratic, snappy behavior stemmed from. I knew it was unfair to her, but once she had her claws in me, I was sunk; trapped in a hole of confusing feelings that I couldn't shove aside.

"You have every right to be angry with me. I understand. But you deserved to know why. It's juvenile, but it was the only way I thought I could stop it."

She sat her mug down, cautiously placing her hand on my knee.

"I don't want you to stop liking me," it was soft, hushed. The last thing I wanted to do was move on; I'd never be able to. Not being around her everyday. It wouldn't be fair with any woman I tried to get with because I'd compare them all to her.

"I don't want that either. I don't know that I could stop," I tried to imagine a time when she wasn't running through my mind like a song on repeat; she was my favorite melody and I'd hate to never hear her again.

"Maybe we could see how being nice to each other works," she suggested, a smirk on her face. I could feel myself smiling back at her, taking her hand in a moment of bravery.

"We can start right now," I laced my fingers through hers, pulling her upright to follow me to the living room. I handed her the remote and told her to choose something while I found her something to wear.

I was nervous at the thought of being alone with her. It had been years since I had a woman so close, since I dared to touch another human being. Vulnerability didn't sit well with me, but I'd have to open up if I ever wanted her to let me in. I wanted to be scared, but diving in head first was almost instinctual with her; I already knew she wouldn't reject me, I just had to get my anxiety to disappear.

"You can change in my room," I left her alone to change while I pulled off my tie and my dress shirt, mostly comfortable as I waited for her on the couch. My clothes looked like they were destined to hang off of her body, like she'd worn them a hundred times before. As she settled in on the couch, my nerves eased some. She was here, with me, and there was nothing to be afraid of other than falling in love with her.

She sat down beside me and it took all of the willpower I had not to gawk at her. She was effortlessly beautiful in a way that most women couldn't hold a candle to; granted she was much younger than anyone I'd ever pictured myself with. It was her eclectic taste and wide range of interests that drew me to her initially; she loved things beyond her time, appreciated the older things in life. She listened to a lot of the same music that I did, and as far as books and movies, we'd gotten sucked into more than one conversation about our similar tastes.

"There's no way you know about Saint Elmo's Fire, you weren't even born yet!" I'd overheard a conversation between her and Emily, and she very much knew all of the cult classics and then some. She made me feel nostalgic and youthful; I had no doubt she was going to be the biggest ray of sunshine I'd ever come across.

"The Brat Pack stars in most of my favorite movies," she said proudly, and I stopped in my tracks at the knowledge she had of the past; she had a soul wise beyond her 26 years, and a heart of gold.

"What are we watching?" I didn't recognize the movie on the television but she was quick to tell me all about it, because it was one of her favorites. She briefly explained what it was about, unintentionally closing the distance between us as her body moved closer to mine. Before I knew it, I was holding my arm out for her to climb beneath, and she was letting me hold her into my side.

"Maybe we can do this all day tomorrow. Watch it snow and spend the day inside," she nodded, surrendering by leaning all the way into me, tossing her legs lazily over my lap.

"I haven't seen snow in years," she said, peeking out the window behind us. It hadn't let up, if anything, it was even heavier now that we were in for the evening.

"Tell me something else. Anything."

"I had the case solved about ten minutes before you guys put it together. I was afraid to say anything because I didn't want to piss you off anymore."

She stared at our hands intertwined together, but I'd known the gears in her head hadn't stopped turning; I knew she probably had a better understanding of what we did than most people with her set of skills. She was impressive, and I'd went out of my way to discredit her more than once. It was amazing that she even entertained the thought of us being together; I'd not given her much to go on as far as hope was concerned.

"I'm not surprised. You were on fire this week and I put you out."

"I may be young, but I did listen at all of those profiling seminars," she joked, playfully nudging me with her elbow. I brought her in closer, almost into my lap. She still had the same affect on me now that she did the very first day. It nearly left me breathless, watching her march into my office with her head held high and a desire to learn as much as she could. She and Reid went to every seminar the Academy offered in their free time; she may have been fresh, but she was always working harder than anyone else to perfect her skill set. It was admirable, the way she put so much effort into broadening her horizons so she could be a more prepared part of the team.

"I know you did. That's why we look to you for the small details. Sometimes we're still looking at the bigger picture, but you see beyond that. It's incredible really," she blushed heavily, averting her gaze to the floor.

"I'm learning from the best," she winked at me, sending my thoughts spiraling. We'd never been so openly flirty towards one another, never actually sat down and spent real time together. Part of the reason I had been so hesitant on pursuing her was because I knew once she was in my life, getting over her would be hell. She radiated a positive energy that was contagious despite the gloom out job held on a daily basis. She was always the one we could look to when we needed to smile, or needed to feel just a little bit better about what we did.

“You’re a really critical thinker. That’s important in this line of work. And the way you can read people… I don’t know how you catch the subtleties in their behavior that we don’t see, but every single time you’ve had a hunch, you’ve been right.”

She shrugged, sitting her cup down on the table. The movie was almost over; the time seemed to slow in our favor, so I could savor every moment of the bliss I was having with her.

“I guess when you spend your entire life with liars, you start to notice common behavior. Like the support group leader. Every time he would lie to you, he’d pick the skin around his nails. Every time you mentioned a victim, he did it.”

I hadn’t even noticed.

“You knew when I questioned him the first time?”

“I knew he was hiding something. I just didn’t know what. That’s why I said something to Reid. I knew you’d listen to him.”

Reid had been the one to suggest we interrogate him further, but by no idea of his own. She let Reid take the credit for solving the case, just so she didn’t speak up and upset me. I hadn’t realized how harsh I came across until we were alone, and I could truly sit with the weight of my actions.

“Next time, don’t let Reid take the credit for something you figured out. No more making you feel like you can’t speak up for yourself.”

“You promise?”

I nodded, patting my lap for her to climb into completely. She’d been close, but I needed her closer; as close as she’d get. She climbed on top of me, letting me cradle her in my arms as she spread out in my lap.

“This whole being nice to each other thing is working well,” the sly grin on her face told me all I needed to know. I’d been so afraid of letting her in, all because I knew she was exactly what I needed to be able to let my guard down. It wouldn’t take much of her soft, soothing voice and sweet personality to make any man weak, she had me in too deep to turn back and it had only been a couple of hours.

“I was afraid of letting you in. But now that you’re here, I don’t know what I was so afraid of. You fit in my lap like you were made for me,” I couldn’t stop staring at her lips, fixated on thoughts of what she could do with them.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt so comfortable with someone,” she admitted, snaking her arm around my neck to play with my hair. I felt the same way, so captivated by her presence that my nerves had dissipated completely, and had been replaced by adoration for her.

“It’s been a long time since I had anyone close like this,” I let my head rest in the crook of her neck, my nose brushing her jaw. She leaned into me slightly, allowing me to let my lips graze across her skin, planting a soft kiss just below her ear. She shivered beneath my touch, turning in my lap to straddle me.

“I’m glad you’re giving me the chance to see you like this. Carefree, instead of holding the weight of the BAU on your shoulders.”

Truthfully, I hadn’t slowed down in months. I was just filling my time with work to distract myself from bigger, more sensitive issues that I wasn’t ready to tackle just yet. Now, with the solution to all of my problems sat on my lap, slowing down didn’t seem so bad. In fact, it was proving to be more special than I ever could’ve imagined. It was the perfect way to get to know the little things about her that I never got a chance to notice before, like the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, or how she’d light up during parts of her favorite movie.

I’d only know those little idiosyncrasies about one person before, but now I was making a mental map of her; I wanted her to be my person. I wanted her to be the one who I spent my free time with, the one to occupy every free space in my mind. She was already imbedded in my brain, but the desire to memorize her body, to feel her skin beneath me, was all consuming. The way her eyes lingered a little too long on my lips didn’t help, it made me want to undress her, learn what made her squirm, hear all of the sounds she could make for me.

“The only thing on my mind is you, sweetheart. I’m going to light the fireplace, but you’re coming with me,” I put a hand beneath her and one on her back to keep her in place while I carried her to the den. I only kept a leather bound chair and a rug in the room with the fireplace, so I sat her on the rug and turned on the gas, watching the logs ignite and feeling the warmth immediately radiate over us.

“Perfect way to be snowed in,” she said softly, leaning back on her elbows to look at me. She was so inviting, I couldn’t help myself from crawling on top of her, letting my hands trace every inch of exposed skin from her hips to her neck, bringing her forward to meet my mouth. She moaned into me, and my hips involuntarily bucked against hers, aching to have her naked underneath me. I tugged her shirt over her head and tossed it, peppering her chest with wet, possessive kisses before I tossed my shirt too. I brought her to sit on her knees while I worked on removing her bra, cupping her tits in my hand and squeezing lightly. She pushed her chest forward, letting her bra drop to the floor.

“You’re perfect,” I barely got the words out, my mouth instinctively wrapped around her nipple, bringing it between my teeth. She let out a sexy sigh and it sent me into a frenzy; I had to get her undressed, had to have my mouth on every inch of her gorgeous body. I slowly pulled her pants past her hips, exposing the tiny white panties underneath. She was already soaked as I slid them off too, her mouth slightly agape as I settled between her thighs. One of her legs was thrown over my shoulder, giving me full access to her center as I took her in. Months of sexual frustration and tension had all led to this: her panting beneath me as I sucked her clit between my lips.

“Jesus, Aaron,” my name fell so gracefully from her lips that I would’ve paid her to say it again. I teased her slit with my finger, collecting her arousal to coat my fingers, already slipping inside of her with ease. Her hips raised slightly, bucking off the rug as I curled my fingers inside of her, my tongue swirling around her clit.

“I really enjoy being nice to each other,” she shot me a smile at my teasing, bringing her hands to the back of my head to guide me as she eat her body go limp against the rug. She looked completely at ease for the first time all day, all except for her brows pulled together tightly as she clenched around my fingers, moaning my name as she soaked my fingers in arousal. I wasn’t finished with her, my tongue still lightly flicking at her clit through her orgasm, making her legs shake. It was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen, so I slowly increased the pace of my fingers, gazing at her in awe as she pulled up on her elbows to watch me.

“That’s it, pretty girl. Let me see you,” one slow swipe of my tongue against her and she was arching her back, her eyes closing as she let go, her head falling back and her arms threatening to give way underneath her. She laid back as I sat up on my knees, pulling her closer, gripping her thighs tightly to keep her in place.

“I’m desperate, Aaron, please,” I couldn’t let her beg, so I slid into her, slowly, giving her time to adjust to my length, already throbbing inside of her. She groaned, raising her hips to meet mine so I could fill her up completely. I let out a moan, gripping her hips tightly as I pulled out of her and immediately slammed back into her, earning a satisfying cry of pleasure from her in response. She gripped my thighs with her hands, urging me to fuck her faster. The pounding of our bodies slamming against one another echoed throughout the quiet house, her soft whimpers and impatient wiggling hips making my head spin with desire.

“You’ll never need anyone else, I promise you,” I leaned forward to capture her lips in mine, slowing my thrusts to enjoy the new angle I had her in. She was folded up beneath me, her feet high in the air as I rolled my hips against her.

“I only want you. Please do that again,” she hissed, and I could tell by her shaky voice that she was close. I let my mouth fall to her neck, sucking at her tender flesh gently, causing goosebumps to rise up on her skin. I reached between our bodies to toy with her clit, rubbing slow circles on her sensitive flesh. I kept my movements slow, precise, it was almost too much to handle, overwhelming all of my senses. When she came again, I couldn’t help but spill into her, groaning her name as I sank even further into her, my lips finding hers like a reflex. I wanted nothing more than to be close to her, feel blanketed by her presence.

As if she read my mind, she was tugging me to lay next to her, tossing her arm over my chest.

“I hope you aren’t tired of me, because the snow is only getting worse,” she nodded towards the window, the snow still blowing around outside.

“I was just thinking about how glad I am to be stuck with you,” I kissed her cheek, still baffled by the turn of events that had taken place. We’d taken a chance and it had paid off tremendously; I felt happier than I’d been in years.

“You have no idea how happy I am to finally hear you say that,” she met my mouth eagerly, her lips soft and plump against my own. I found it hard to grasp the concept of ever getting tired of the way she felt, so delicate, love laced in her every move.

“I’m sorry it’s taken us so long,” she shook her head, climbing on top of me to smother me in kisses. I couldn’t help the smile that grew wider every time she made contact with my skin, my hands wrapped around the small of her back, keeping her firmly in place.

“Don’t apologize. I’m here now,” I told her to hang on as I stood us up, leaving our clothes behind and carrying her towards my bed. By the time I laid her down and climbed in next to her, I was already yawning, grateful to have her on the other side of the bed.

[kindredhearts13]

Dissecting The Cleaning Lady (Post 1x05, “The Icebox”)

This is a long one, y’all. 

So, despite really overall loving last night’s episode, I had a moment of concern because I realized that we are only 5 episodes in. Are we moving too fast in this first season? What about all of the other episodes? But upon further research, it appears that FOX ordered the show to series for 10 episodes. That means that yesterday was officially the halfway point of the first season- I would guess that future seasons will fall between 12-16 episodes. 

It feels fast paced because it is- they have so much to cover over 10 episodes and truly establish everything ahead of telling the rest of the story in future seasons. I am so curious what their series bible looks like because season 1 has been very well fleshed out so far- even with some slight issues, I think it has really held its own and shown that it will get even stronger as it grows. 

Okay, so tonight’s episode was very smartly placed for a number of reasons. For one, it did an excellent job of establishing the reality for Thony, Fiona, Gabby and so many people- women in particular- like them. They work hard, raise their families, and just try to do what is best for the people that they love. Yet, they don’t get to live in a world where they’re treated as equals. The humanity of the country was truly called into question this episode, almost more than any other episode, and rightfully so. 

It also solidified my previous statement that Garrett is the aggressor in this show. He didn’t “make things right,” Thony and his boss did (and by way of Thony, Arman did). He screwed things up and his guilt and threat to lose his newly regained power at his job forced him to try and help Thony find Gabby and Fiona. 

Seriously, I want everyone to realize the gravity of what he did. He put three (and honestly more because other women were on that bus and were any of them undocumented?) women’s lives at risk with absolutely zero fallback plan. He had no control over the situation because he went through a personal contact and told no one what he was doing. He didn’t respect the authority of his boss, who just so happens to be a woman; he didn’t respect the authority of his partner, who just so happens to be a woman; he didn’t respect the autonomy of Thony or any of the women connected to her. He made a decision and considered none of the consequences, all while thinking that he was smarter and knew better than every other woman around him. Again, he made absolutely nothing right. 

Moving onto Nadia, I really appreciate what this episode did in showing a chink in her armor. I think that Nadia has been an exciting mystery for us all (still is in many ways), but I also feel like I have a stronger grasp on her character now. 

“We’re both in a country that is not our own.”

Arman said this to Thony during the first episode, and I think that it also applies to Nadia. Nadia is clearly in immigrant and this episode was pretty stark about the realities of immigrants (honestly, it was pretty kind in comparison to other shows that have showed the realities of deportation centers). We see Nadia break down after she and Arman are betrayed by Hayak- used for their work but not offered fair pay for their labor. The story of so many immigrants in this country. 

“The help.” 

Nadia’s use of “the help” differs from Isabel’s. Nadia is terrified to be the help, she refuses to be that. I think that is her driving force, why she and Arman have worked together for so long. Their goal has always been survival and to distance themselves from what they viewed as a lower form of work and life. But Nadia’s immediate reaction to Thony cleaning up for her, her humanity and accountability even in her breakdown, showed that she doesn’t actually view Thony as beneath her- at least, not in the way that someone like Hayak (or potentially Isabel) does. She wants to be above people like Thony financially and socially, but I get the feeling that Nadia or her parents were Thony to a degree at some point. I am excited to learn more about her and discover how she ended up where she is. I really, really like her character. (I also have a theory that she’ll have a female love interest at some point in future seasons, but that’s for another post.)

Isabel. Let’s talk about Isabel. That brief interaction we had with her in this episode spoke volumes. Isabel suffers from being a sheltered princess. I don’t necessarily think that she is evil, but she clearly has judgement and doesn’t truly have a grasp on the cost of her livelihood. The dialogue between Isabel and Nadia was very telling. She didn’t exactly throw an insult, but she also spoke down to Nadia by saying that she wouldn’t recognize any discrepancies in the book because she doesn’t know what to look for. She phrased it in a very politically correct way, but that was the gist and Nadia clearly caught on. Despite her conversation with Arman about her father forcing the breakup, she didn’t hesitate to encroach on the space shared by him and Nadia. In one way, we love to see a woman on a mission that is smart and ready to take control; on the other hand, she didn’t respect them or view them as equals enough to ask to set a meeting.  She just went through their things. I think that Isabel was raised by Hayak, and even though she is not quite her brother, her character is hinting at someone that does look down on others- but is just very nice about it until forced to show her hand. I am assuming that the season will continue with Arman running the club for Hayak, Isabel, and Isabel’s husband. And I have a feeling that Isabel is going to take issue with Thony, and that will ultimately force Arman to truly open his eyes about the people he chose over his family. 

I think to her, the help is actually just that- the help. Arman was the only close connection that she had to that world, but he was so wrapped up in her world that he distanced himself from his own. So, she stopped viewing him as the help in the way she may view Thony. It will definitely be interesting seeing these dynamics play out and what it does to Arman, in particular. 

Thony and Arman. That scene was beautifully written, shot, lit, and performed. 10s across the board. It was raw, emotional, and captivating and the first time we had such a personal conversation between them where they equally shared and were equally vulnerable. As an actress, I’m trained in reading subtext of a scene and to me, the subtext was Arman not only talking about Luca but also about Thony. When he said, “That’s not kids, that’s Luca;” he was also saying to Thony: “That’s you, you raised him. You are a good person.” Luca is a good person because Thony is teaching him how to be; and for Arman to recognize that in her as a mother and as a human is something truly special. Which makes him feeling like she betrayed him all the more painful. Still, he kept his word from a previous episode: “I’m not going to hurt you.” And he didn’t. He got angry and scared her, but he was so gentle with her in his office- still clearly stung and establishing that he held the power, but also not able to physically distance himself from her in the way that he might for someone else. 

I don’t think that Arman truly understands how he feels about Thony yet, and I don’t think that Thony fully understands that Arman cares about her outside of just her being Luca’s mom. (Or how she feels for that matter.) Them working together now, especially after hints of next week’s episode, will allow for them to have more vulnerable conversations and for him to see the parts of Thony that she keeps hidden from him.

This post is long enough, so I won’t add anymore. But I really enjoyed this episode. We are at the halfway mark and I am so excited to see what happens going forward. 

[solarscholarsofmagick]

10 Things that EVERYONE Needs to Know Before Starting the Craft

1. Wicca and Witchcraft are Not the Same Thing

This is a pet-peeve of mine when people use those words interchangeably. So, what’s the difference? To put it simply, Wicca is a religion, while witchcraft is a practice. It’s like saying that prayer and Christianity are the same thing. Wicca is a relatively new invention, being created in the late 1950’s by Gerald Gardner after he spent a lot of time in Asia and became enthralled with their spirituality, which he merged with various occult practices that he came across in his travels. Witchcraft, on the other hand, is defined, at least by this author, as the act of manipulating the energy around you to achieve a goal. You can be either or you can be both, but they are not mutually exclusive.

2. Witchcraft Does Not Need to Kill Your Bank Account

If you follow many big-name witch influencers, more than likely, you will get caught up in the aesthetic of hundreds of beautiful crystals, perfect altars, sculpted candles, and much more elaborate and expensive things. Now, I want to make it clear, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it is not always feasible to have (or afford) everything required to fit that aesthetic. Rough, unpolished crystals will work just as good as the one you saw that was professionally polished and carved into the shape of a skull. You can get candles at thrift shops, not just at the website that sells specifically anointed candles for every specific intention. Remember, it is not the tool that makes the witch, but the witch that makes the tool!

3. Know the Difference Between a Coven and A Cult

While it is not necessary, there are definitely some benefits that come with finding a coven that welcomes you with open arems. So, first off, what is a coven?

A coven is a group of like-minded witches that help each other out magickally and hold a special bond or connection. They will often perform rituals together. Please keep in mind that there is a difference between a coven and a cult.

A coven is rewarding, full of (usually) great people and potential friends, while a cult is dangerous, toxic, and filled with people who often prey on the vulnerable or unaware.

Here are some potential warning signs of a cult:

They encourage you to cut off ties with your friends and family.

They try their best to make you dependent on them.

They pressure you into engaging in sexual/criminal/drug activities.

You feel as if it is dangerous to leave.

The “leader” equates themselves to a deity or is a “my word is law” type.

You feel as if you are walking on eggshells around them.

There is some “divine” goal that you must behave a very specific way in order to reach.

Those who manage to escape are demonized and/or are made into examples.

If you suspect that you or a loved one are in a dangerous situation, please contact the appropriate authorities.

4. Witchcraft Can Become Mundane

Pop culture has a bad habit of sensationalizing witchcraft. As cool as it looks, witchcraft isn’t all lightning fingers and demon-slaying. You most likely won’t become a soldier of a magickal war, facing down an ancient evil that was recently released. Sorry, I didn’t mean to burst your bubble!

That being said, witchcraft is extremely rewarding and can be as fun as you make it!

Just like with any other art, it requires discipline! It requires study, practice, and essential tasks (or as they are often fondly called, witchy chores). Some of these “chores” include cleansing, charging, decorating, meditation, and more. Unfortunately, as we all know, these tasks may feel tedious, but they are often very necessary. Again, it is as fun as you make it, and you will be less likely to burn out/hate performing the tasks if you view them as the essential tasks they are rather than unnecessary chores.

5. Learn As Much of the Basics That You Can

As much as we want to immediately jump into more flashy things such as astral projection and elaborate spells or hexes, you must learn the basics first. Why? Because, without a strong grasp of the basics, your magickal work can be unstable and reap results that you may not have intended, including ones that cause harm to you or those around you. To quote a cliche, you must learn to crawl before you can walk.

Here are some basics that I recommend you begin with:

Visualization

Meditation

The history of witchcraft

The elements of a spell

Color/stone/common herb correspondences

Grounding

Different types of the craft

6. Elitism Exists and it’s Bullsh*t

Unfortunately, no matter what community you are in, there will always be a few bad apples, but I will be referring specifically to elitists. Elitists in the witchcraft community tend to preach that their way is the only true way to be a witch, that you must have the most expensive of tools, or that witches who come from a family of witches are better than those who do not. If there is one thing that I want you to take from this article, it’s that, no matter what anyone says, you will NEVER be any less of a witch because of your bloodline, ethnicity, skin color, religion, spiritual practice, or socio-economic status!

7. You Don’t Need to Choose Between Religion and the Craft

One of the most common reasons of being apprehensive towards starting your journey through the craft that I see is a fear of retaliation within your own religion. For example, a lot of Christian witches will initially be afraid of going to hell for their practices. As someone who grew up in the Bible Belt of the Southern United States (poor Awen still lives there), I can definitely relate to this feeling. However, I, as well as several other religious witches, can say that you can have both. You do not need to drop one to have the other. In my eyes, your relationship with your god(s) is between them and you and is nobody else’s business.

To make things a little easier, however, I recommend sliding into the craft slowly. Dip your toe in the proverbial water. Try starting by engaging in activities that aren’t necessarily tied to witchcraft such as meditating, grounding, growing plants, or even just collecting pretty rocks. I also recommend reaching out to practicing witches within your faith for advice. It also may be a good idea to truly research religions of interest and make sure that your religion is a good match for you. It is okay to realize that the religion you were raised to be in, like being raised to be in a particular political party, does not have to be your religion. If it is and it causes you and others around you no harm, then I am truly happy for you and support you.

8. Learn to Listen to Your Intuition/”Gut”

We tend to have a 6th sense for danger or the presence of another being. You may recognize this feeling when you can feel that someone is watching you. Our instincts are built into us to keep us alive. Personally, following my gut has saved my life more than once. In one particular incident, my gut told me to stop at a crosswalk despite not seeing any nearby cars and the sign telling me to walk. Seconds later, a truck sped by, running the red light at full speed.

If you feel that a spell has taken a turn towards the unwanted, find a stopping point and seal it away. Feel as if a deity is calling you? Take the time to research them and their calling cards. However, please take the time to learn the difference between a negative gut feeling and general nervousness, as it does feel different.

9. Learn the Difference Between Good and Bad Resources

Misinformaion and toxic ideologies can be dangerous when it comes to witchcraft. You can read extensively about the difference between the two in my previous post about it here.

10. It’s Okay If the Craft is Not for You

If you decide to try out the craft and later feel as if it isn’t clicking… that’s okay. The initial decision to explore is not one for life. Just like how certain sports, hobbies, music, et cetera are not for everybody, witchcraft is not for everybody. Anyone who decides to judge you for that is wrong and not worth your time.

Please consider supporting us by viewing the original post on our website, here!

[imgoingtocrash]

Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix 

by @imgoingtocrash

Listen on Spotify and 8tracks

Read the series on Ao3

AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!

What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰

Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)

My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope

I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.

We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.

Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie

I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared

We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.

Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope

irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost

I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.

this is me trying by Taylor Swift

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that

I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.

Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong

I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way

Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.

I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow

Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.

Let It Matter by Johnnyswim

So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain

Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.

Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams

And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother

Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.

Tightrope by Nia Hendricks

one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope

Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!

Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?

This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?

The Bones by Maren Morris

Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM

Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas

Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.

Mundane by Hardcastle

And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue

Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.

survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille

What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine

Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.

Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers

Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past

Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.

Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King

Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's

Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry

I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra

So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.

Home by Phillip Phillips

Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!

Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?

This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).

I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it

No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.

Easy Days - Demo by Bastille

Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away

Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.

North by Sleeping At Last

Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine

The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!

[scullydubois]

Only the Light Ch. 14

14/? | AU where Melissa moves in with Scully after Scully’s abduction | angst, msr slow-burn, occasional fluff | currently: early 1995 (Humbug adjacent) | T | 5k | previous chapters | read on ao3 | tagging: @today-in-fic <3

As the new year beckons Scully to put her life back together, she and Mulder share a Valentine's 'anti-date' on the Hoover Building rooftop.

TW for brief discussion of disordered eating.

--------------

The new year struck Scully with a particular melancholy. 1994 was, to put it plainly, one of the worst--if not the worst--year of her life. Even without her disappearance, it would earn that title. Her father’s untimely passing and the brief but brutal closure of the X-Files wrenched the few good things left from her fingers. Factor in the four weeks in late summer that she has no memory nor knowledge of, and you’ll understand why Scully has taken to calling it her year on the dark side of the moon.

Of course, the aftershocks of her abduction are still felt every day. Flipping the calendar does nothing to remedy that. At her last appointment, Dr. Zapolsky noticed that Scully’s weight had decreased rather sharply from previous visits and made the point that “rapid weight loss can stop ovulation,” which Scully interpreted as kicking her while she was down. That’s not exactly fair, after all. Technically, her period stopped well before she decided to restrict herself. 

It’s odd how it happened. Her weight was fine before her abduction; slender but within the healthy range for her height. Even when she was returned, it had only dropped a couple pounds, as if they fed her...as if they cared. She found that hard to believe. In the months afterward, she sought a physical representation of her mental anguish, and since she and food were never on the best terms to begin with, the choice was simple.

The other day, she had to punch an extra hole in all her belts to hold them steady on her hips. She knows the consequences of this; she’ll live them and accept it. 

There has been some beneficial progress. Dr. Zapolsky started Scully on low-dose birth control around Thanksgiving, hoping that it would balance her hormones and regulate her periods. It has, in fact, brought back her cycle, something that Scully did not expect. She gave Melissa her leftover tampons in October. Now Melissa buys enough for the two of them and insists that Scully doesn’t owe her a dime. Scully is too grateful for this to speak about it.

Her downward spiral reached a snag when she realized that smoking would make her birth control ineffective, shortly after her and Mulder’s Christmas Eve smoke break. She ditched the cigarettes, mad at herself for taking a month to read the disclaimer (she’s a doctor for god’s sake, she should know better!), yet glad to have an out. Smoking was a habit she exercised because she could. It won’t hurt her anytime soon, and millions of others do it, so where’s the harm? That was her thinking. As soon as she had a reason to stop, she did, and it felt a bit like jumping from a runaway train just before it skids off the tracks. 

So she is better, and she is worse. Which really means she is the same as she was. That is the conclusion she carries into 1995’s frosts and thaws. 

There is one thing she is certain of, something that she hadn’t given much thought to until the one year anniversary of her father’s death. She needs her faith back. She’s always practiced in a cyclical pattern, her devoutness orbiting in and out like the moon around the Earth. Sometimes closer and brighter, sometimes farther away, sometimes nowhere to be found.

She has to believe it will come back; it always does. She was made in God’s image, and her father’s. This is both a blessing and a curse.

But no one can be God, and she can’t be her father either. His faith never wavered. If hers was the moon--fickle and subject to doubt--his was the sun, steady and warming everything around it. This was a quality she was envious of, and then guilty in her blasphemy. She has never managed to feel completely content inside the bounds of piety like he could. She’s constantly shaking the devil off her back, then repenting for it, then wondering if it were all worth it. What if...what if...what if...she isn’t fully persuaded in her beliefs, and she knows that this is the worst sin of all. Like Mulder though, she wants to believe, and shouldn’t that count for something?

Imperfection is allowed. Understood, even. Doubt is not as permissible. “He who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind,” the Bible says. Sometimes Scully takes that to mean she should walk into the ocean. Then she realizes that would be blasphemous too. 

Some people believe without trying. Her father was one of those. Mulder too, in a different way. She used to think that she was too. Now she’s not so sure. “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” How many times has she read that line? Has she ever lived up to it? She’s seen and still not believed. Certainly that means she’s going to Hell.

Or is she already there?...She wonders that sometimes. Maybe she didn’t make it back from the other side. Maybe the devil just wanted her to believe that she had, and so he’d constructed some kind of diorama of Scully’s life that would go wrong bit by bit, boiling her like a gradually heated bathtub. No resting in peace for the unbeliever.

She can’t imagine a worse punishment than all the potentially good things in her life getting dismantled beyond her control. She’d rather never experience them at all than know their joy then watch them fall apart. Missy would kill her if she heard this, but you can’t please everybody.

It is at this point that Scully embarks on her chosen method of religious self-flagellation: going through the Ten Commandments and determining whether she’s violated them. Count up your sins and God won’t have to; practically the tagline of the Catholic faith.

She thinks she does okay with the first few. She has no idols, she honors her mother and father, and Mulder knows not to call her on Sunday mornings. Of course, the part about not taking the Lord’s name in vain can be tricky, but she’s working on it. 

Number five is where it gets dicey. Thou shalt not kill. She imagines that she wouldn’t, not on purpose, but the circumstances of her job worry her. God makes no exceptions for self-defense. And what if she were ever to be a true doctor? If she couldn’t save a patient, does that mean she killed them? 

Her father was in the Navy. He never killed anyone.

Number six...well, she doesn’t mention that often. Few people know about Daniel. Missy is one. Scully harbors a genuine shame regarding that time in her life, not so much because of Daniel, but because she was complicit in hurting his wife and daughter. It was a young, foolish mistake that she never wants to make again. 

She feels pretty good about number seven. The only thing she has ever stolen is one of Charlie’s matchbox cars when they were kids. She was uninterested in Missy’s hand-me-down Barbies and Raggedy Ann dolls. The boys’ toys were much cooler. She trusted the Lord enough to know that He wouldn’t hold something she did when she was seven against her. Besides, she gave it back when Charlie figured out it was missing. She just wishes he had let her play with him after that.

Number eight: thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. She considers honesty one of her best qualities. She sure hopes God does too. She’s not the most open person, but that’s different from lying…

Nine is a lost cause, considering six had been broken. This was her least favorite part of her family’s religion: the power it had to cause her shame about her own body, her own desires. She had her first crisis of faith over this at age 14. Missy comforted her with something she has never forgotten: “The original sin was the serpent’s deception, not Eve’s desire. Even God pins it on the woman.” She knew her sister could only say that because she didn’t truly believe and wasn’t trying to, but it had stuck with Scully through many moments when she needed it. 

And finally, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods. She supposes she did this with the matchbox cars when she was seven, but in literal terms that’s about it. Metaphorically, she does this all the time and struggles with why she feels so inadequate. Her sister’s confidence, Mulder’s tenacity, her father’s faith...The ideal Dana Scully would have all of these. The real one is a work in progress.

--------------------

So it goes that she finds herself prepping a case in the office on Valentine’s Day. Mulder’s scheduled to fly to Florida the next morning to investigate attacks in a community of circus performers. He’s convinced it’s the Fiji Mermaid, she’s convinced he needs to get his head checked; the usual. This is one comfort Scully can always rely on. No matter how utterly twisted her life gets, she will always think Mulder is crazy, and he will always go along with it. 

The occasion of the day goes unmentioned until what Mulder lovingly refers to as “closing time,” which is not a specific time but rather the point that he finally gives up for the day, usually hastened by his partner’s prodding. Scully has learned the signs of his dwindling tenacity by now. She glances at the clock as he pulls his glasses off his head and tosses a sunflower seed in the wastebasket, pleasantly surprised that it reads only 5:15. He catches her checking, his eyes--amber today--meeting hers.

His lips curl in amusement. “You got a date or something?” 

“No,” she blinks, feeling like a child caught taking a cookie from the jar. Her cheeks grow hot, threatening to make a scene. “I figured you did, since you’re finishing up so early.”

Mulder straightens his stack of papers, clinking them against the desk obnoxiously. “Think again, buckaroo.”

He’s taken to calling her that lately. Neither one of them is sure why, it just popped into his mind one day and stuck. It makes her feel like a heroine in some 70s Western shoot-out flick who wrangles all the bad guys and locks’em in the county jail. She’s thankful that someone can see her for what she could be rather than what she is. It helps her see that too. 

He stuffs his papers in a manila folder, then rises from behind the desk and stoops toward the backpack he prefers to a briefcase. (She called him a kindergartener once because of it and he remarked that he’d ‘rather be a kindergartener than an adult.’ She couldn’t argue with that.) “Valentine’s Day isn’t really observed under the Fox Mulder calendar,” he says, unzipping the bag and putting the folder in. “Halloween and Thanksgiving, those are my holy days.” 

“You worship at the shrine of the food pyramid,” Scully smirks. 

“Yes indeed. Wait--” Scully’s gaze flicks to him, genuinely concerned. He dissolves her uncertainty with a boyish grin. “--does the food pyramid include candy?”

She rolls her eyes, but it’s not deeply felt. She misses these flat-lining comedic routines of his, usually at their best when they’re putzing through some tumble-weed town where the bathroom stalls at the gas station don’t lock. He loves being the funniest person in a ten-mile radius, and that’s not a satisfaction he can have in DC. She wonders if he tells these lame jokes to strangers now, or if they were just for her. 

“Speaking of food,” he says, brushing a hand through his hair, “you wanna grab dinner?”

Scully’s forehead creases. “Like, in a restaurant?”

“I mean, I wasn’t gonna be that forward, but I guess we could take it to yours or mine...”

Scully laughs lightly, wrapping her arms around herself, fingers caressing her bony elbows. “We’ve already covered what day it is,” she demures. “Everyone having dinner is going to be on a date.”

“You’re right...the restaurant probably won’t let us in unless we make out in front of the hostess,” he deadpans. 

“Not to mention that we don’t have any reservations…”

“Well, making out might remedy that, depending on the hostess.”

She gives him her ‘last straw’ look--crossed arms, arched eyebrow, stinging glare--and he raises his hands in surrender. “I’ll stick to slipping a twenty, then.”

Scully uncrosses her arms and slinks toward her purse rather languishly. “No restaurants, Mulder. It’s too much trouble on a holiday.”

“I sure hope you didn’t mistake my suggestion as an invitation to Mulder’s Downhome Country Kitchen, cause that place is not Michelin star rated.”

“I’m well aware. I’ve seen the menu.”

“Is Chateau de Scully open tonight?” he asks with an eyebrow raise that his partner couldn’t have missed if she tried--and she did. 

“Well, the chef is celebrating Valentine’s Day with her girlfriend in Oregon, so you’d be waiting awhile for your meal.”

“There’s no back-up chef? I don’t know, someone who may need to feed herself while the chef is away?”

“Yes, but she doesn’t serve the public.”

“Ouch.”

He plucks their respective coats off the rack, folding his own over his arm and throwing his partner’s over her shoulders. She jumps just the tiniest bit--she probably thinks he didn’t notice, so he’ll pretend he didn’t--then slips her arms in the sleeves and pulls it on properly.

“Thanks,” she murmurs, avoiding eye contact.

After he’s put his own jacket on, he hoists up his backpack, fielding off his partner’s near swerve into laughter. She’s barely maintaining a straight face, and even if it’s at his expense, he loves it because unadulterated joy is something she deserves so much. 

“You know what, I’ve got just the solution,” he says as he strolls out the doorway, flipping the light switch as he goes, leaving Scully scrambling in the dark. 

“Hey!” 

He hears her petulant voice, followed quickly by the laugh he was looking for. When she turns to him after locking the office door, her eyes are still shining from the momentary euphoria. He is so happy to know her.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this place is the Smithsonian of vending machines.”

“Mm-hm.”

“And I know a door to the rooftop that never gets locked.” He flashes her a sly look, his intentions pure despite himself. 

“It’s 40 degrees outside,” she counters before he can even voice his proposal.

“Sure, but we can make some fresh coffee, and there’s gotta be blankets in that storage closet of ours.” Ours. Very few things are theirs. She wishes he would say it again.

As much as her instinct is to protest, she can’t quite muster the resolve to. I mean, it checks all the boxes. It’s not a restaurant, she’d only have to eat a snack from the vending machine, and she wouldn’t have to spend Valentine’s night alone, which is a sneaky sadness that had been pressing at the back of her mind.

“Fine,” she bluffs, as if it were a great inconvenience to her. She enjoys the cat-and-mouse game, what can she say? “You find the blankets, I’ll get the coffee.”

Mulder smiles, his lips edging over his teeth in an aesthetically pleasing way that makes Scully feel like he missed his calling as a male model. Of course, this smile isn’t posed. The constant in his life is his partner’s unpredictability. Everyone thinks she’s a stone-cold skeptic, but he knows she’s an uncertain believer, and there’s no one harder to pin down than that. Her yes to his Valentine plans may as well be an admission that Bigfoot exists. 

“Let’s meet by the sixth floor stairwell, okay?” he prompts, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

Flashes of Christmas Eve sabotage her thoughts--her mother’s kitchen, her untidy tipsiness, Mulder just trying to iron things out. He’d touched her, and she’d lashed out at him. Reaction formation, that was the term for the defense mechanism she’d used. He knew it, probably studied it extensively. Concealing an impulse by acting out its opposite.

Instead of mentioning this, she looks him in the eyes and says, “Okay, I’ll use the coffee machine on the sixth floor then,” as if his touch hadn’t brought forth both memory and desire. 

“Great. See you there.” He pulls finger guns, and she thinks that maybe this is already her best Valentine’s Day yet.

----------------------

Five stories of stairs is a long way to go with two hot mugs of coffee. Scully had hoped there would be some styrofoam cups--something she could put a lid on--but the Bureau is stingy, so she had to go all the way back to the basement, grab their coffee mugs, take the elevator back to the sixth floor, brew some dark roast (to Mulder’s probable discontent), then hope that by some miracle, they could make it to the roof. 

Ever the idealist, Mulder takes the challenge in stride. Though his arms are already bundled with some comforters he found tucked away in storage (he shudders to think how old they must be), he takes the handle of his mug, squeezing the blankets snug against his chest. 

“Are you sure about this?” his partner asks with her usual uneven tone. “What if we get all the way up there and the door is locked?”

“We knock and get the snipers to open the door for us,” he answers matter-of-factly.

Scully’s eyebrows shoot up. “Snipers?”

“Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? There’s a longstanding rumor about snipers on the roof that I’d like to get to the bottom of.”

His demeanor is just loose enough to make Scully question whether he is in fact kidding. A conversational casualness permeates all of his sensational soliloquies because to him, the phenomena he’s discussing should be regarded as a fact of the world. If he ever launched into an indifferent lecture on the subject, she’d know he was bluffing.

Having never heard the rumor herself, she decides this is simply a figment of his overactive imagination. She’ll play along. “Well, if it’s anything like the talk of you being spooky, then it doesn’t look good for us…” she teases, her own smirk eliciting an identical one from her partner. 

Masking his impatience by embodying the role of the gentleman, Mulder uses his free hand to prop open the stairwell door, ushering his partner through. The landing of each story has one stray light bulb, there for show more than anything. Most of them are either flickering or burned out, the agents discover as they inch their way up, one slowly taken step at a time. Step, pause for the coffee to settle, hope it doesn’t breach its container, step: that’s the process they adopt for approximately 100 steps in the cold Hoover stairwell. There are many ways to show love; Mulder bets that you wouldn’t find this in any lame self-help book. 

“Do you think Romeo would have done this for Juliet?” he muses.

“Depends on what he was expecting once they made it to the top,” Scully quips, the edges of her lips turning up slightly.

Mulder nods, perpetually amused by her (too) infrequent jaunts into suggestive territory. “My man really got ahead of himself with the whole ‘dying for her’ schtick.” 

“You’re one to talk.” 

Mulder eyes her. “Actually, I think it was you who was going to die for me.”

“Not for you, because of you.” Her statement is neither packed with malice nor free of blame. “There’s a difference.”

She may as well have shot him at point blank range; then at least she could see the bleeding. She didn’t mean to be so blunt, but he gave her the perfect setup. Mulder cauterizes his own wound, disguising his pain as a joke. “Damn, I was finally moving past that!”

“At least one of us was,” she says, her voice fluttering, and he knows she’s just teasing, but god, what if she’s cauterizing her own hidden wounds?

They reach the door labelled ‘roof,’ and Mulder can’t decipher what happens first, him putting his hand on the door handle or her placing a chilly hand on his cheek. Playing it back in his head later on he won’t even be able to figure it out-- it cut time loose from its axes in such a way. 

“Are you okay, Scully?” He’s not sure why this is the first question out of his mouth, but it is.

“I need a hand warmer,” she murmurs. “The coffee’s already cooling off.”

All the while, Mulder is acutely aware that her hand’s still on his cheek and she’s got him propped against the door, and what does she want him to do with that information?

Her thumb grazes his mole, and it becomes clear to him that there are two ways this scenario could go, and if she doesn’t want the second one it’s imperative that she stop rubbing rhythmic circles into his skin.

He clears his throat. “Do you want to...do you want me to check for snipers?” Her touch continues, uninterrupted. 

“Is the door unlocked?” Her voice sounds airy and far away. She probably didn’t even hear his question. 

He pushes on the handle, confirming their freedom. “Yes ma’am,” he answers, fear of a sort edging him into total politeness. He is twelve tiptoeing through the too empty halls of his house, again.

“Let’s have a picnic,” she says, still light and airy, as if that weren’t the plan the entire time. Then, she breaks into sudden laughter, pulling her hand away from Mulder’s cheek in her fit. “We forgot the food!” 

She is back to normal now, his steadfast Scully with a side of joy. 

Half of him mourning for the otherworldly Scully and the moment that could have been, he laughs too. “There may have been some lapses in planning.”

“We can make do, can’t we?” There’s a glimmer in her eyes that suggests the moment is not as far gone as he believed.

“Cold coffee sounds like an enduring Valentine’s tradition,” he affirms.

They choose not to dwell on words like “enduring” and “tradition,” entering the chill of the Hoover Building rooftop on Valentine’s night. 

------------------

They’re not that far above the city really--the Hoover’s no NYC skyscraper--but their heads are in the clouds, that’s for sure. It’s not the typical dinner date complete with melted candles and overpriced dessert and overly attentive waiters, but as it turns out, they would both hate that. After all, this is not a date, it’s a casual hangout between two coworkers who don’t have dates on Valentine’s Day. If anything, it’s an anti-date. That’s what they tell themselves.

February’s unrelenting chill swirls around them, catching Scully’s hair in playful tantrums and turning the two of them into life-size paperweights atop the blankets. More sensible people may call the night a bust, but not the Prince of Halloweentown and his esteemed guest. This unconventional adventure is exactly what they bargained for.

Scully looks to Mulder, who’s holding his coffee like it’s a beer. She smiles. That is so him.

She exhales, and her breath spells itself out on the air. She tilts her face to the sky, as if the sun might suddenly rise and bask her in its heat. Mulder notices and fixes his attention there too, happy to have an excuse to look skyward. It’s his outlet, like hers is the sea her father dedicated his life to. His preferred escape method is to fly away; hers is to drift off.

He forces himself back into the moment, here, with her, and the expanse of the sky. “I once spent fifty bucks on one of those ‘name a star’ certificates, and I can’t even see it because of the goddamn light pollution.”

“I think that’s really more about the gesture than anything else,” Scully replies, trying to soothe him as if this were actually a pressing problem. “Unless you bought it for yourself...?”

Mulder chuckles. “No, no. It was for an old girlfriend.”

Scully raises her eyebrows in amusement. “Did you name it after her?”

“No, we named it the Rhine star.”

A puzzled look passes between them. It gives him a twinge of joy that his partner is not the encyclopedia she seems to be. 

“After Joseph Banks Rhine, the founder of parapsychology,” he clarifies. “We were both fascinated by the field.”

“Oh.” She turns her face back toward the sky with the feeling of a kid who missed the winning word of the spelling bee. There are times when she is grateful she does not know everything, and times when she is not. Somehow, this is both. 

“I’ve thought about buying another one and naming it after Samantha,” Mulder continues, “but it feels too much like a grave marker.”

“I’d consider it a lovely tribute,” Scully counters, used to doing so. “But I’m thirty and I own my own gravestone, so take that with a grain of salt.”

It’s true--once Dana was returned, her mother couldn’t bear to look at the gravestone she’d had engraved in memory of her missing daughter, so she gave it to Mulder, who saw no logical place for it to go except the woman whose name it bore. Margaret hadn’t wanted her to know that it existed, that they’d gotten so far as considering her gone. While it brought Mulder no joy to present it to his partner, it served as a reminder of the miracle her survival was, and in such bleak times, they had both needed that. 

“It doesn’t scare me--the thought of dying,” Scully says to the stars. Mulder wonders if she meant for him to hear it. He wishes he hadn’t, but he’s met with the realization that she is trying to start a conversation when her eyes look into his.

He doesn’t know where to go with this, so he toes the line between deep and sarcastic. “I thought Catholics were all about that heaven and hell stuff.”

“Yes, but…” where is the line between truth and blasphemy, she wonders? Settling herself, she starts over. “I’ve lived both on Earth, so what have I got to fear?” She turns her glance to the blanket, as if shrinking out of the Lord’s sight. “Besides, sometimes I think I’m already there.” 

“Heaven?”

“No, Hell.”

He should have known. He grips the edge of his blanket, wondering why his parents had prioritized the sex talk but never explained what to do in a situation like this. He has a psychology degree, sure, but he’s as much a psychologist as she’s a physicist. 

“There are periods of life, I think, where everyone feels like that,” he says in the most earnest voice he can conjure. “It’s just that nobody ever talks about it.”

“Did you feel like that with Samantha?” 

Leave it to Scully to turn a personal conversation back on him.

He bites his lip. “Yeah, yeah, I did. Still do, if I think about it too long.”

“How did you...move past it?” The lights of nearby buildings reflect off her blue eyes, galaxies to his black holes. He’d give anything to sluice the pain right from her heart. 

He’ll rely on his words instead, despite knowing there are depths they cannot touch. “I, uh, I didn’t really move past it, I just moved. Kept moving, I guess. I found a place where I could make progress out of my pain. Here--the X-Files.”

Scully swallows hard, knocking back tears. "That’s the issue. I feel stuck. Just completely unable to go forward. There’s a current in my brain that keeps pushing me backward.”

Mulder lets out a deep breath, trying to take both their pain with it. “Have you considered seeing a therapist?” he asks delicately. “It sounds like you may have PTSD.”

“Over what?” she practically snaps. “I don’t remember a thing.”

“That doesn’t mean you have no memories. Regression hypnosis could help recover repressed or unconscious memories, so you could understand exactly what’s bothering you.”

“You think I haven’t heard this spiel from Melissa?”

“I bet Melissa doesn’t have first-hand experience with it.”

“No, she doesn’t,” she murmurs in the tone of an apology. She knew that he had it, she had listened to the tapes. How could she let it slip her mind? It is uncouth of her to look down on his chosen method of healing.

Mulder isn’t bothered. He continues, “It helped me. Both in recalling the details of the experience, and in having a recorded recollection of it. It helped me feel less...insane.”

“Mmm.” If he were just a bit closer, she’d reach out and touch his hand.

“If anything, I wish I did it earlier.”

Scully’s understanding of him sharpens, like an ophthalmologist flipping the lens, making her vision clearer. Her gaze probes him, mutual souls recognizing mutual pain. 

“Hey.” He uses his extended wingspan to touch her shoulder with the care an older sibling would show holding their baby brother for the first time. She turns her head, their faces mere inches away from each other. His eyes are a dopey brown, his breath scented with coffee.

“Yes?” she says with a coquettish flitting of her eyelashes. 

“You should come back out on the road. I could use someone to shoot down all my wild whims.”

She can’t help but smile, though she keeps her mouth closed. “Tired of telling jokes to strangers who don’t laugh, are you?”

He smirks. “Well, yeah, that too.” He leans back a bit, putting enough distance between them to keep the sparks in check. “Of course, if you’re not ready, there’s no pressure. I just think you could use the change of scenery and--you know--companionship.”

She nods, looks out into the night. He’s got the pulse of her problems and the salve that could soothe them. “You’re right.” How often does he get to hear those beautiful words come out of her mouth? “I need to get out of my cocoon, and I think I’m okay enough to do that now.”

“Yeah?” There’s a twinkle in his eyes, something like hope.

She laughs--catharsis manifest--and it’s like a sheen of light coming through a crack in her jagged surface. “Yeah, Mulder. I’ll make the arrangements with Skinner.”

He pumps his fists in the air. “Hallelujah!” 

She hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her. Any stray thoughts she had of him being lonely she chalked up to her own delusions. 

“Florida is probably a lost cause,” she notes, “but after that…”

He nods, pats her shoulder. “After that.”

To have her back meant something like freedom. The X-Files had never been anything without her. He had never been anything without her. 

[oooooocheshirecuntoooooo]

In the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere ..... Oh the adventures we had with a hooker. All. Night. Long. 😂

It involves me, my husband, our 18 & 3 year old daughters, a cop and the hooker ... oh and a store clerk and her son. And for real. All night from like 12:30am to 7 am. And now I am home, but without the van and three of the kids didn’t make it home with us.

The following story is absolutely, 100% true. Although it’s not the kind of exciting you’re used to hearing from me, it’s still pretty bizarre. 😂

Just to give a little back story to help paint a clear picture .... So, we always go to my in laws for Christmas but we usually only stay maybe 3-6 days or so depending on how things fall together. This year we decided to stay through New Years because of some drama back at our home. My mother lives on our property and is mentally ill, and we’re pretty sure dementia is setting in. She’s never been an easy person to be around and we have always fought constantly but I have tried to take care of her anyway because she’s the only mom I’ve got, ya know? The last couple years though she’s gotten a lot more aggressive. In July she assaulted her doctor over the mask requirement and even had to go to court over it. Then in august she assaulted me, tried to choke me to death in my own home and in front of my kids. Of course I over powered her and forcefully pushed her out of my house, so yes she sustained bruises and such from that but that’s the extent of it. (She told all of Facebook in a public post that I beat her up every day and that kind of thing. She posts almost every day that she’s being abused, etc. Shes called the police at least 4times in three months. She tried to accuse me of elder abuse and even said I neglect and abuse my kids. Four times they have come out and investigated and not only said they see no signs of child or elder abuse, or anything to backup her claims. They talked to the kids and quickly agreed they were all fine too.

So fast forward to Christmas Eve. We were trying to load up the van to leave for our trip. We couldn’t hardly get it done because she was hounding us so much. When we were done I sent the kids to the car while hubby and I grabbed the last few bags. I blinked and she was charging toward the kids and yelling things at them like “you’re going to be a whore like your mom when you grow up. You wanna suck dick for a living?” And “I hope you die slowly and are alone and afraid for hours before you die.” The oldest child there that day was 12. And no, I’ve never worked in prostitution before. She began to charge toward me when I yelled at her to get away from the kids. Hubby told her to go back in her house and she wouldn’t. Kept coming toward us. So he pulled out his pistol, didn’t cock it or anything, and said again to go back in her house. So she called the police again .... 🙄

So we stayed longer trying to talk to the family lawyer and get a game plan. We’re following through with pressing assault charges so I can get a restraining order, and we’re filing for eviction. So we got all packed and ready to go and noticed liquid under the van. The power steering pump went out and the line busted all over everything. So that set us back another couple of days but we got the line and the pump replaced and tested everything and it looked good. It was late but we decided to set out anyway. We knew we’d get in late but the advantage to that was my crazy mother would be asleep and we could at least get in and unload the van in peace.

About 12:30 the battery light came on and we weren’t near ANYTHING. Somehow we made it another 20 miles or so until we got to a small town we’ve never stopped in before. We stopped at a gas station and barely got in the lot when it died. Hubby tinkered with some things and it looks like the alternator. Apparently some power steering fluid got in it when it busted but we couldn’t see that at the time, including the mechanic neighbor friend helping with it.

So we’re an hour and a half from home and totally stranded in the middle of the night with, thankfully, only two of our kids - the 18 & 3 year old. We make the calls for roadside assistance and I begin calling everyone I know that might can come help us. It’s freezing and none of us packed coats because it’s not usually this cold down here this early in winter. Hubby was wearing shorts even. So we take turns going in the store and sitting in the van with our things - there’s a large fully loaded cargo bag on the roof and a bike rack with two bikes on the back. Figured if we left it alone for a long time those things at least would disappear, essentially given the atmosphere of the place.

In all the moving around and the cashier asking questions and getting to know us and the situation we were in, this big eyed, buck toothed, scraggly little older, black lady who looked like she hasn’t bathed in years starts talking to hubby about what’s wrong with the van. He goes back to tinker with it often hoping he’s wrong about the alternator or that he missed a loose connection - anything that might help us get out of here l, if not home. I am watching cars like a hawk because you wouldn’t believe how many would pull in, loop the parking lot while staring at us and leave again. It started feeling like sharks circling and a feeding frenzy building up. So I’m on edge and I make sure the pistol is within reach at all times. So this little trashy lady keeps talking to him about the mechanics and trying to troubleshoot it. Lemme pain a more accurate picture: this spun out little crack whore was chasing the dragon, looking for it inside the oil reserve, the transmission fluid ..... she keeps pulling out the dipsticks, shaking them like a Polaroid picture and slinging fluids everywhere and then says “I think it’s your starter.”

No doubt she’s trying to hustle some cash and once even asked for some gas money when’s we see the car she rode in pull away and leave her there. She said it was her brother. After awhile, hubby has had enough. He’s usually pretty patient with people who are too fucked up to reach reality but this isn’t the time for all that. Not only is she a hindrance, she keeps snatching his tools and once even his phone out of his hands. I was in the car and I heard him yell “carry your ass already!” If he’s talking to even an annoying stranger like that, I know shit is hitting the fan. Me? I’m Irish. I would’ve done popped off at her which is why I was avoiding her completely. So I got out and joined him and started yelling at her to fuck off. She will take a few steps away and come back but she does finally go all the way back in the store, both of us cussing her the whole way. I blink and she back in his face again. She keeps saying random shit like “anything you can do I can do better” and “I helped you and you just turn me away. That’s not what the Bible says” and “God got me. I don’t need you. I pray for you”

I’m beyond pissed. I’m cold —- and I loath being cold — and I’m tired, it’s now like 2:30 or 3, I’m feeling vulnerable just by being broke down and especially with the toddler who can’t do anything to protect herself or understand what’s going on and who is extremely sensitive to any type of anger or tension (she cries hysterically when her siblings tickle fight or pillow fight and are laughing) and with all I’ve been dealing with with my mom lately I just have no give a shit left in me. So I jump out and say loudly “should I get the gun for you?” He said “it’s starting to look like it.” And I handed it to him and he put it in his pocket - more just wanting to communicate and it wanting to draw on her because that could invite charges for him potentially and we already have enough legal drama waiting at home. She slowly starts walking backward and keeps running her mouth. I forget what she said but she flipped my bitch switch again and I found myself screaming “Don’t make me cut a bitch!”

She said “what did you say?” And I pulled out my pretty pink and Pearl, large and extremely sharp pocket knife and extended the blade, “I said if you don’t carry your ass I WILL cut a bitch!” She nodded that smug kind of nod and kept going, “aaaiiignt”

The car that brought her there and left came back. She got in it and it left, stopped about 20 feet from the parking lot and she appeared to be forcefully shoved out from the way she rolled in the grass. But she goes walking the other direction so we figured she was gone. Meanwhile though in that amount of time I already dialed 911. The operator connected me to the local station and I spoke to dispatch. I kid you not, less than 60 seconds later an officer was there. We later learned he parks in a dark spot across the street of this divided highway. He even saw some of the commotion but couldn’t tell from the angle that it was heated. He tells us all about her, how she’s the local “hooker” / crack whore, along with her sister and mother. When I said we could tell she was drunk or inebriated or something he said, “more like high as a kite in with a jet pack!” I have seen a lot of people high in my years but I’ve never seen anyone act like she was so I asked, “On what?” He just shrugged “likely a combination of things. She’s a non discernment, equal opportunity junkie.”

Would you believe she showed up again while he’s talking to us? She tried to act like they were friends “hey! I know you. You’re married to my kin ...” He kinda yells at her and smirks “you a damn lie and you know it. I’m not even married.” Tim and I both glanced at his hands, his wedding band plainly visible. I got back in the van because my teeth are chattering so bad I can’t speak anyway. He puts her in the back of his car and talks to my husband again. He tells him he’s use to her and is going to take her to a relatives house where she goes when she needs to sleep it off for a day or two. He leaves and about 20 minutes later he’s back. Apparently he almost ran out of gas and he wanted to check in on us again. The jokes flew about how awkward that would look if he ran out of gas and was on the side of the road with the town hooker and all. He was a really nice guy and stayed with us most of the rest of the night. He said he got off at 7 and if we still didn’t have any help to give him a call, giving us his cell number.

So, at the same time I’m trying to get something done about the tow truck that needs to come get the van and find someone to come get us. The first wrecker — BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY TO PICK US UP! I was starting to feel cursed! The second wasn’t informed this would be a “long haul” tow and he only does local. Third times the charm right? Apparently so this time. He was a nice guy as well and took extra steps to keep the bikes and things secure on the trip.

We even had talked to hubby’s parents when we very first broke down. They were asleep but I was able to text my kids that stayed behind to spend another day or two with them, and they were coming up anyway to do some work on the property up here and file the eviction. So the boy, who will be 11 tomorrow, and the 12yo girl woke them up and told them we broke down. Apparently the 8 year old had already gone to sleep. His parents got up and talked to us and they were like, we’ll work on it and let me know what you find out. What the insurance company will do. So when the tow truck showed up, at 4:30, we asked if one of them could come get us because all the insurance company said was “MAYBE a supervisor could make an allowance for a Lyft or something like that but it didn’t seem a highly probable option. I realize we were 3 hours from his parents but they got up and stayed up from the first time we called and father in law could’ve gotten us and most of our stuff in the van and gotten us home, and him back to his house, before lunch and then slept or done whatever work he felt was more important than our safety. I’m kinda ticked about that. So we get what things we can’t live without immediately and head into the store to wait for a solution to arise, or friends to wake up! I was the last one going in and I was shivering so bad I dropped the things in my hands. I bent down to pick them up when two large shoes stepped in to my view, directly in front of me.

I stand up and then continue looking up to find the eyes looking back at me - a huge ‘cornfed’ red neck man who almost is convincing at appearing to be tough as nails, but I see the gentle kindness in him immediately. However, when he named the itty bitty, no red light havin’ isolated little farm town we live in I was flabbergasted. I actually stuttered and just made noise instead of words when I tried to respond. He even chuckled and playfully’ mocked’ me but was even kind about it. It was more like he got a kick out of how taken off guard I was. He said “Do y’all need a ride to (hometown)?” in that extremely slow, drawn out way the redneck Southerns do. In a minute I nodded and said “How do you know that?” I continued walking in the store as I spoke and of course he followed and opened the door for me. Hubby had run back and flagged down the tow truck before it left, remembering the car seat was left in it and that would be essential to getting us home. He had already talked to the man but j didn’t know that. In fact, in all the in and out that night hubby and my older daughter had told the cashier bits and pieces of the situation and it hit a point where she realized help wasn’t coming very fast and didn’t want to see any more trouble fall on us like with the oh so classy hooker we had already met. So she called her son, knowing this was the kind of thing he was always looking to do. He kept telling us that he just really liked to drive and it was no big deal and that he had time to get us there and back home before work even. After debating over it for what felt like hours but was probably only 5 minutes hubby and I decided it was probably the smartest option. He usually has a pretty keen sense of a persons character pretty quickly and so does my 18 year old - although it still needs to be fine tuned a bit but that will come with time, maturity, and unfortunately, heartbreak. We felt like we had a read on the kind, older lady cashier too and she even said “It’s ok. He’s my son. He’s not gonna hurt you or anybody that doesn’t try to hurt him first.”, laughing the last few words out and the glances between them revealing some inside joke / event. So we went ahead and got in his little car - which was more like a jumbo Geo Tracker and I honestly wondered how he ever fit inside. It wasn’t the best looking thing, kinda shabby and needing a lot of TLC, but for us it may as well have been luxury. It was a diamond in the rough, symbolic of the man who offered to drive us an hour and a half to get us home, and then back, before he went to work that day. By the time we got him we knew his life story - 33 and already a survivor of the heart attack they call ‘the widow maker’. We instantly fell in and we’re good friends. By the time we got home - at 7am - we hated to see him go. Of course we had a little Christmas gift cash on us and gave him a little something for his trouble, especially since he wouldn’t come in and let me make him something for breakfast. As I hugged him bye I told him “I will forever call you ‘My Angel Michael’. He said, “Well thank you ma’am. It was my pleasure.” and with that, he drove away.

[kinetic-elaboration]

June 17: 1x23 The Omega Glory

Watched the very uneven episode “The Omega Glory” today. Upon some reflection.. I think I have seen it? But I think my last rewatch ended abruptly after “By Any Other Name” so it might have been some time ago.

Anyway, it was... something. Decent, I might even say good, until the last 10-15 minutes and then it just went off a cliff? That’s how I’d summarize it.

Sulu, my beloved. I’ve missed you.

Kirk knows where all the ships are. I mean, obviously, but I love to hear it.

Phasers on heavy stun huh?

It’s so weird to be on a different ship. That looks like the same ship. It’s so empty and haunted looking.

With creepy crystal remains of bodies everywhere.

“These white crystals... are the crew.”

Something was thirsty!! Perhaps... a water vampire? Perhaps... a former McCoy girlfriend?

(Honestly having watched the whole ep...they could have expanded this intro longer. It was creepy and mysterious. Then cut the last act.)

Oh no, they’ve been infected and now must quarantine. Sort of. I guess.

...Oh no, is this Vietnam? Again?

“Our old enemy, Vietnam.”

My mother suggested the disease might be communism and I don’t think that metaphor tracks through the whole episode but you know what.. anything’s possible.

I don’t like this whole “you can’t leave the planet or you’ll get sick and die” thing. Too familiar.

"I may never be able to leave this planet but I have a worse problem: a colleague may be breaking a rule."

Says the man who has frequently violated a directive that has never been referred to as Prime before.

Kirk is getting very mumbly. That’s his serious voice.... bu it’s also his Denny Crane voice lol.

Like bio warfare in the 90s? TOS really thought the 90s was going to be the dark ages, didn’t it?

Only 90s kids remember...

Spock bursting in with a wounded man, just bringing the drama, as he does.

He’s not even listening to McCoy. Rude.

Spock absolutely 100% would have killed Captain Tracey on instinct as soon as Kirk is threatened.

Sulu’s in command? I love Captain Sulu but where is Scotty?

Kirk is so good. Clever, strong, smart. Knows all the regulations.

Tracey’s so dumb. “They’ve eradicated disease and live for hundreds of years!” Man, have you considered that they are...aliens? And their life spans are simply.... naturally longer than human life spans? And even if you could isolate the serum, it might not work on humans?

And his master plan is to isolate their immunity and bottle it for profit. It’s our old enemy... capitalism and the exploitation of intellectual property.

A fight scene!

“The pointy-eared one stays.”

Another fight scene!

Spock is watching all of this, and you know what, I feel like he’s not upset about it. It’s just like Pre-Reform Vulcan. Perhaps some... Amok Time flashbacks? “Damn, I wish that was me.”

Peanut gallery Spock.

“I wish you could teach me that.” / “I have tried.” Omg where is my scene of Spock trying to teach Kirk the nerve pinch?

And then that look Kirk gives him.

I don’t get the point of this scene but it amuses me that as soon as McCoy sees the pretty girl, he feels better.

A post-apocalyptic alien world... a very interesting concept. Like you could do a lot with that idea imo.

“That’s our worship word [freedom too.” Umm.... questionable.

Damn bitch, that was cold. Just knocking him out like that.

Damn yankee.

...Yankee and Communist dammit.

McCoy’s not even surprised to see Kirk and Spock out of jail.

Nature created a natural counterbalance to the biological disease. Where is OUR natural counterbalance, I ask?

McCoy sounds extra Southern rn. It’s all the stress.

I really don’t think Shatner gets enough credit for his subtlety. His face when McCoy explains the whole situation...

Oh he's mad now. "You've hurt Spock for nothing! Oh yeah and also killed thousands but MOSTLY THE SPOCK THING!”

Whereas Tracey really doesn’t seem to care about anything but war for its own sake. He knows now that his master plan for immortality was nothing the whole time...but he still needs to call those Yangs.

In other words, another once-reputable figure of authority now gone mad.

Kirk’s voice is so casual when he’s talking to Uhura and Sulu, you feel like he’s gotta have something up his sleeve. He can never hide when he’s really upset about something.

...Apparently what he had up his sleeve was his crew knowing regulations and then another full body tackle. Fight scene 3!

"My need for attention is vital.” Same, Spock.

This is a very attenuated and unbelievable connection Kirk is making but he’s Kirk so I’ll assume it makes sense that he’s putting it all together so fast.

Alternate Universe: Vietnam canon-divergence lol.

For anyone keeping track, this is right about the point where the episode goes off the rails.

YOU’RE A ROMANTIC, JIM. Well he’s right about that at least and he should say it.

Oh no, an American flag.

Cloud William, chief and the son of chiefs. That’s continuity of government for you.

(Also pretty hilarious that this society is supposedly So American with our exact flag and Constitution and everything... but they’re not a democracy.)

I really don’t want to believe that “under God” is still in the pledge 200 years from now.

"You're confusing the stars with heaven." Kirk thinks he's being called an angel.

The absolute mishmash of meaningless, referent-free words here. America. Native Americans. Communists. The flag, the Constitution. God. Angels. Devils. What???

Like how can they both be flag worshippers AND...believers in God? Who is their God? Alien George Washington?

So rude to call Spock Kirk’s “servant.” That’s his space husband!

Is that a literal picture of Spock as a demon in their.. Bible?

I can’t even follow this anymore.

“You command him.” I mean...yes, that’s how the military works.

“He has no heart.” Wow, rude.

“His heart is different!” I stan one (1) Southern Doctor.

I feel like Spock is just... not having this at all. His face loos like he’s thinking what I’m thinking.

Oh no is that the CONSTITUTION??!

“Kill his servant” wow Tracey is obsessed with Spock, isn’t he? I guess everyone in the Fleet knows about them and their special relationship.

Spock is even amused by the knife at his throat. His eyes say "I am distressed--but fascinated!"

A FOURTH fight scene? And here I thought Kirk was going to recite the Constitution.

“I’m open to suggestions.” He’s just as worried about Kirk as McCoy is, bu the doesn’t show it.

...Yep, he’s being telepathic again. Not really in line with his usual telepathy but okay. Alien magic is flexible.

Okay I have a JD and I can confidently say there is nothing about good defeating evil in the Constitution.

And now this alien guy is immediately ready to make himself a “slave.” That seems problematic. What happened to the holy word “Freedom”?

Wow, Kirk's in a bad mood. "You can't pronounce your own holy words worth shit."

“This is only for the eyes of a Chief,” he says and Kirk just pushes him away.

Spock literally turns Tracey around for Kirk’s big final speech like “Listen up, bitch, my boyfriend’s talking.”

Is this the 4th of July episode?? Feels like there should be canons and fireworks going off behind him rn.

Idk, the words of the Constitution can't be so unique and unprecedented if a WHOLE OTHER ALIEN CIVILIZATION just came up with them, too, on their own, like monkeys typing Hamlet. (Given the timelines here... they probably did it first too lol.)

"Liberty and freedom need to be more than just words." Like what does that even mean in this context? Sounds nice but it’s very hard to put into the context of all the rest of this.

“And uh be nice to the Kohms,” after most of them (?) were probably just killed.

I really was into this until the last 10-15 minutes and I think there were under-explored concepts that could have taken the fever dream of whatever that bizarre-o fever dream at the end was. The abandoned ship. The leftovers of bio warfare. The whole weird and under-explained concept of immunity. The tragedy that so much was destroyed,, including but not limited to the whole Exeter crew, for no reason. What happened to Tracey to so destroy him--was it just greed? What about the “Prime” Directive? Is it important or not. They just leave at the end after (as Spock pointed out) doing quite a bit of their own meddling, even though meddling is allegedly the worst. Also, we know almost nothing about the Kohms at all. The “American” society clearly wasn’t democratic. Were the Kohms literally Communist?

I’m willing to accept a certain degree of alternate Earth scenarios--like Miri (though imo that was not a necessary component of that story) or Bread and Circuses, but this was too much. TOO unbelievable. And frankly unnecessary. You could do an allegory for alternate-Vietnam, and it would be just as clear but even more effective. There wouldn’t be any distraction in the form of “what the fuck is that flag doing here?”

There is a potentially incendiary concept here, which is the same one I thought of reading about actual COG plans--certain aspects of the Yanks’ culture survives, but with absolutely no meaning attached. They have a Constitution but they mispronounce all the words. They have this tattered flag but it has no other meaning. They’ve turned the symbols of the government into a religion, but they don’t practice any of the civil aspects of it--they have chiefs, not democratically appointed leaders, for example. Like, COG asks “what IS the country, and how do you make sure the country endures no matter what?” This was an opportunity to show the worst of that: the country continues to exist as symbology only--incredibly strong symbology, but only that--and all of the actual values that were supposed to be stored with that symbology have disappeared. Similarly, their hatred of their enemies endures. It’s lauded in the ep as their attempt to get “their land” back but what if it’s just war for its own sake, as Tracey seems to be engaging in? To tell that story, especially in the 60s, against the backdrop of Vietnam, and with the references to bio warfare and nuclear warfare, could be powerful. And I know TOS can work in metaphor and comparison. It doesn’t need to bring out a literal fucking flag.

Honestly, it was like they had one good, classic, sci fi story but it didn't fill 52 minutes so they tacked on the American Pride 4th of July Propaganda Extravaganza at the end.

It really felt like the lesson was “America good” lol.

I liked the concept of the post apocalyptic society in the aftermath of bio warfare as a cautionary tale for 1960s America, and I'd be up for crazed snake oil salesman Starfleet Captain (or...whatever his rank was) if it were a bit better explained. But the rest of it....

It also... could have been kinda incendiary with the idea that the Constitution and flag are religious symbols... I mean some people do treat them that way and I've always found that, first, blasphemous, and second, bizarre in such a hyper-Christian country. But I feel like instead of digging ito that, they just tempered it with "But also they're Christian, as you can tell by their drawing of devil!Spock, for some reason."

Idk, this story could have been complete with out the whole weird “Vietnam AU” back story or alternately it could have been a biting commentary about what defines America, and about whether or not our symbols might be more enduring--or even more important to people today??--than the laudable but more complex and difficult ideals that underpin the country’s founding. Are the words of the Constitution just gobbledy gook? They are if you don’t live by them, and America has always struggled to do that. It definitely would struggle even more in the aftermath of an apocalypse.

...I’m more annoyed now, thinking about the possible sci fi story that could have been...

Anyway next is an ep I’m fairly sure I haven’t  seen, so that should be fun.

[auroras-blend]

I Hate It Here

Summary: Vittoria gets used to her new church in Garland City and Leonardo finds he not as welcomed as he once was.

Note: Occurs after chapter 33

“Vittoria, step out of the car,” Papa demanded as he held the car door open for her.

Vittoria shook her head. “I don’t like this church.”

“You haven’t even been inside yet,” Papa reasoned, “Stop embarrassing me and get out.”

“I want Sg.ra Giordano,” she protested, crossing her small arms.

Papa sighed heavily, “We’ll return one day and you can see her, but for now, this is our church.”

“No.”

“What do you think God will think of you if you refuse to go to church on His day?”

Vittoria frowned and a potential offense to God made her step out of the car. She’d never want him to think she didn’t love him. Her little black mary-janes pattered onto the asphalt as she slid off the leather seat. She had resisted the entire time, decreeing that the Cathedral of the Holy Virgin was not her church. Then Papa told her no church belonged to her, but to God and that shut her up. Still, I miss our old one. People were nice to me. I liked our priest.

Papa held her hand as she smoothed out her dark navy blue dress, afraid the wrinkles would offend God and Christ. Papa had dressed her up, pinning her hair into a braided bun and clasping the diamond cross around her neck even though it brought up painful and bitter reminders of Sg.ra Bianchi. Whenever she thought of something sad, she talked to God. She talked to him a lot more now, the only voice she heard at night when she was left alone with her thoughts.

Her eyes drifted up to the imposing building. Like her church back home, it was grand and opulent, a marvel of architecture. It was a sterile white with statues carved into the face of the marble, a true sight as it towered over the buildings around it. Churches should be bigger than other buildings. The domes and spirals were erected so high, it looked like they were trying to reach God and heaven itself. Of course, like the cathedral back at home, the inside was as marvelous.

Rows of polished redwood lined the inside of the church, the number of pews taking up enough space to seat the massive amount of congregants filing inside. The pulpit is so big, but, “Where are the pictures?” she asked.

“The what?”

“The one at home had pictures of Jesus behind it? Where are the pictures-,” she began before a glittering light caught her eye.

Her green eyes widened in awe at the stained glass containing vivid colors, some portraying biblical scenes. Oh, there they are. They cast brightly over the wooden floor, which felt warm and like she was basking in holy light. It’s warmer than the one back in Italy. Vittoria noticed that her hands and legs weren’t cold. Maybe this won’t be so bad.

Papa led her to a pew as she was distracted by the grandness of the church, so distracted that she didn’t notice some women sliding away from him with wary eyes. But Papa noticed. He pulled her closer. “Principessa,” he whispered with a friendly and fatherly smile, “It’ll be in English today, except for the usual Latin.”

He handed her a Bible as she pulled out her favorite red rosary, “Really?”

“Yes, so you better pay attention because I’m going to ask you plenty of questions when I’m done,” he said in good nature.

She smiled back at him. “Sg.ra Lisi said I’m really good at answering questions.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” he said before gesturing to the dark-haired priest who came out to begin the service.

Vittoria, for some reason, felt her ears were mildly shocked by the English the priest was speaking in. It was her first language, but for some reason, it felt harder to follow along. Usually, at this time on Sundays, she was straining to hear some familiar words and heard herself thinking in Italian, as she desperately tried to program her brain to recognize his English. Eventually, she did and was as transfixed on the priest as her father was.

During the service there were eyes on her and Papa, making her squirm nervously in her seat. One young woman, in particular, had her eyes analyzing her body, as if trying to find something wrong. Papa didn’t notice and she dearly wished she had because the young woman glared at him with repulsion and distrust before she corrected herself with a smile when she saw Vittoria look back at her. As if she was trying to say, you’re not the problem. Vittoria shyly averted her gaze back to the pulpit and priest, trying to ignore the congregants who were as nosy as the ones in Summerfield.

Thankfully, the service seemed to go a lot faster and it ended as quickly as it began. Perhaps because it didn’t take her as much work to follow along and it kept her interest. Well, as much as a service could do for a nine-year-old. Papa helped her out of the pew before offering his hand and a friendly smile to an older woman who huffed and moved past him anyways. This is why I didn’t want to come back. American people are rude. What do they have against single parents?!

Vittoria frowned at her Papa who stepped out of the way and led her from the pews before smiling again as he caught sight of someone whom he must’ve known before. “Ah Mr. Howard,” he grinned, “It’s so nice to see you!”

The man pulled a face and looked ready to turn before he caught sight of Vittoria and decided to put on a facade of politeness. “Mr...Mr. Borghese,” he stuttered before being forced into a hug, “It’s been a while.”

“Too long,” Papa smiled, “And Mr. Borghese? When did you become so formal? You can still call me Leonardo.”

The man shifted on his feet uncomfortably, tugging at his collar that Vittoria could hardly believe was choking his skinny neck. The man was small, well smaller than her Papa, and only reached up to her Papa’s shoulders. He had sandy brown hair and blue eyes that reminded her of Pastor Marks. “Yes...well…” he glanced down, “You have a child.”

Papa smiled down at her and pulled her front and center. She wished he hadn’t. She hated strangers. “I do. Would you like to introduce yourself, sweetheart?”

Sweetheart? Not principessa? “Hi,” she said in a small voice, giving a tiny wave.

The man, or Mr. Howard, gave a strained smile. “Well hello,” he greeted, his demeanor becoming less stressed and friendlier, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Vittoria,” she said shyly.

It didn’t escape her Papa’s attention that prying eyes were on her, the little girl who walked in with the formerly beloved by all, Leonardo Borghese. There was something entirely innocent and non-threatening about him having a daughter. “Well, that’s such a pretty name. And how old are you?”

“I turned nine in December,” she said, wishing she could already leave.

“Wow, so you’re a big girl now, huh?”

“Not as big as Papa. He’s a giant,” she said quietly.

Mr. Howard and her Papa gave low laughs. “Leonardo,” an older woman approached with a thick accent that she couldn't recognize except she knew it wasn’t Italian, “You come back and you don’t introduce the girl?”

Papa smiled at the woman who had previously snubbed him. After all, how could he be terrible if he had a small daughter who loved him? Who looked at him with religious reverence and complete undying trust. Then there were the others who glanced over at the child with wariness, protectiveness, and apprehension. Fearful that she was in a monster’s presence, but she found they didn’t linger too long or approach her at all. Apparently, the young woman from before didn’t care enough to check on her; she’s probably going to gossip about us later.

The longer she and Papa stayed, the more people crowded her and asked her questions. Mainly the elderly who had much more faith in her father than the younger churchgoers. Old women spoke with Papa in Italian and Vittoria adorably responded in the same language, earning her pinches and smothering hugs into their breasts. WHY?! EVERY TIME?!

“It’s so nice to see you settled down,” a white-haired woman cooed, “She’s so sweet.”

They always talk about me. Never to me. “She was such an angel during the service. Some parents here just can’t control their children,” an old man scoffed.

“Well, she’s a good Catholic,” Papa praised.

That made her feel a little better. I try to be. “If you’re interested, St. Agnes’ is a lovely Catholic school for primary-age children. Well, girls. It’s an all-girls school,” a woman with a breathy accent smiled, “My nieces went there.”

“I’d consider all girls,” he smiled, “She hates boys.”

“I don’t hate you,” she said defensively, causing everyone to laugh.

Her face reddened in embarrassment as dread filled her chest. I wanna stay home with him forever. I don’t wanna go to another school. Vittoria liked being close to her Papa, and only with her Papa. I wish he’d hurry up so we can go home and play kingdom together. He promised we could play kingdom!

It was her very favorite game where she was the princess and he was the king. He’d build a castle fort with her, they’d sit for tea, go up on the balcony to wave, and dance. They didn’t do everything, but the game made her feel special. Vittoria tried focusing on planning the agenda and what they’d do for the kingdom game while he kept talking because he’s taking foreverrrrrrr!

***

The trip to the car was long. She felt relieved when they left the church, but all they did was move to talk outside. And she dearly wished they had gone home because they finally asked about the one topic that brought her agonizing pain and memories. Mama. “She passed away,” Papa said, softening his eyes as if he were devastated.

Light gasps sounded and she could feel her nose begin to sting. Vittoria retreated back behind her father. “Well bless you, for doing it all by yourself. I can’t even imagine,” an old woman exclaimed, her hand pressing against her chest.

Mama did it by herself and no one was nice to her. “How are you going to balance work and fatherhood?” one woman asked, “Childcare is a financial nightmare. I remember this one time…”

Oh my gosh, I just wanna go home! Vittoria grew restless and was about to sprint to the car before Papa was finally able to bid them all farewell. Well, not before they pinched her cheeks as a goodbye. Why do strangers think they can touch me? She had gotten used to it after a while in Italy, but it was always odd that everyone was so physical with her. Papa never minds!

The whole ordeal sent her into a distressed state and after her Papa inspected the car and buckled her in, she began to weep. Papa sighed when he sat in the driver's seat. “They touched me,” she cried, “Please don’t make them babysit me, Papa.”

I never want a babysitter again! Her Papa sighed, “Principessa...I’m going to have to go back to work eventually…”

“Then let me come with you,” she begged, “I’ll be quiet and good. I can even help.”

I can decorate his office and sort papers into folders! I can do all types of things. “I’ll even do it for free!” she offered.

People like free things.

“That’s very sweet Vittoria, but I can’t take you to...work with me. We’ll figure something out, okay?”

Papa had already decided she wasn’t going to a real school yet. Vittoria could hardly handle a grocery store; it’d be a nightmare at a school. No, he was hiring tutors again. That worked so well last time. He started the car and he began the drive home while she continued to cry.

“We’ll have lunch when we get back, but after that, you’ll take a pill,” he said in a ‘no arguments’ voice.

“You worked from home before. Why can’t you do it again?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“Things are different now…” he explained without explaining.

“I hate it here,” she pouted, “I hate Garland City and I hate America.”

“Vittoria,” Papa hissed, “Never say that again. I don’t care what you think, but you’ll keep those thoughts to yourself. Do you understand?”

A pout was stuck to her lips but she begrudgingly agreed. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it here...

[collecting-stories]

Clinic - Roger Davis

A/N: Just a RENT drabble because I recently watched a boot of the 1996 opening night performance.

\\\

The Coventry Church on Avenue B totted signs claiming that ‘all were welcome’. Maureen commented, on passing the signage, that some friend from The Ecstasy Club told her there were churches like that in Vegas...for strippers and prostitutes to find Jesus and get off the street.  

“They don’t offer you help just the ‘good word’ of the Lord.”  

“And that only helps when you’re out of candles.” Joanne had remarked, not too fond of the outreach ministry.  

It played more like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, trying to blend in with the community while preaching about the sins that existed on the streets it called home. The only benefit it offered came in the form of the free clinic and soup kitchen it set up on Thursdays and Saturdays. The clinic prescribed medication for those dealing with any number of illness, including but not limited to an HIV positive diagnosis. When Roger’s medication ran out Mark mentioned that Maureen had mentioned the place.  

“Free drugs?” Mark had joked, fiddling with his camera equipment and not sparing Roger the opportunity to cut in a witty comeback.  

Free drugs indeed. The clinic was set up in the basement, where bible study was usually held. The chairs had been pushed around to resemble a waiting room and dividers had been put up to give patients a small sense of privacy. It was more than they usually got. The room wasn’t the nicest and no amount of wall hangings with scripture could make it so, but it did the job it was meant to. A clinic on Thursday and Saturday, an AA meeting on Monday, an NA meeting on Tuesday and bible study on Wednesday and Friday. Roger wasn’t much for going out but the necessity outweighed his general disposition toward other people so he left his apartment and found himself waiting, slouched down in a metal chair beside a woman who seemed to smell worse the longer he sat waiting.  

When it was finally his turn to go behind the partition, he found a rather pleasant looking young woman there. You didn’t appear out of place in the basement of a sometimes clinic the way the church members often did. And unsure what else to say as he sat in the chair across from you, he felt the need to comment on your not-out-of-place-ness.  

“You don’t look like you belong to the church.” Roger gripped the sleeves of his sweater as he heard the words tumble out of his mouth. Not his finest moment, certainly, but he’d had worse too.

You smiled at him like you knew all about his inner turmoil. “Judging by how you phrased that, and the fact that I don’t belong to the church, I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“I just mean-”

“It’s okay, we can move passed it.” You replied, taking a clipboard from the table beside you. It had a simple form on it, one found in most clinics and doctor’s offices. “Name?”

“Roger Davis.”  

“Okay,” he watched you check off his name and the color of his eyes before you looked back up at him, “what’s your...actual hair color.”

“Blond.” He ran a hand through the bleached spikes on his head, he’d never grown out of that phase of his life the way he had imagined that he would.  

“Any drugs?”

“No.”  

“What brings you in today?” You set the half-complete clipboard on your lap and smiled at him like you maybe already knew why he was here despite the list of services offered from the temporary poster hanging on the door.  

He was doing well. He’d watched friends die, Angel and Mimi and others in the support group that Collins was still taking him too every week. He wasn’t sure how much longer Collins had. Or himself for that matter but he didn’t like to think about it. He preferred to push away anyone potentially interested just so he wouldn’t have to disclose his status. “I have AIDs.”

“I assume you’ve taken AZT before?” You didn’t miss a beat as you asked him. Though he knew, realistically, that this was a clinic and of course they saw plenty of people coming in off the streets who needed AIDs medication and he was nothing special he had expected the slightest of recoils.  

“The clinic I used to go to shut down and I ran out.”  

“When did you run out?”  

“Well I will, tomorrow.” He replied.  

“I can give you a general ‘sample’ dose today, which will cover about a week and then if you come in Saturday I’ll have a full prescription for you. We work with an AIDs clinic in Brooklyn so I have to fill the prescription through them.” You explained.  

“So, you just work for the clinic?” He asked, watching you fill out the medical part of his form. His renewed interest in you rearing its head.  

“I don’t go to church here if that’s what you mean. I live around here though...I moved in a few weeks ago with some friends.” You offered more information than you usually would but you couldn’t be blamed for it. Roger was thin, sure, and certainly hadn’t slept well in the last ten years of his life, and the bleached hair washed him out, but he was nice looking. Cute in a very 80’s way, in a way that would have your mom experiencing heart palpitations.  

“It’s a shitty neighborhood.”

“Thanks for that vote of confidence.” You laughed, better than your smile, you looked so happy. And his chest ached for a moment as he felt bad for being so friendly with you. “Is there anything else you wanted to go discuss?”

“No, just that.”  

“Okay,” you nodded and Roger could practically feel the conversation coming to an end. And why wouldn’t it? He’d come in for medicine and you had set up a time for him to get it, an easy transaction, one that didn’t require a lot of time and discussion. But especially one that didn’t require him to linger.  

He was slow to stand up, patting his pockets as if he was suddenly going to remember some reason he needed to stay longer. And really, there wasn’t one. He was faced with the same debilitating issue he was always faced with. Or he had always been faced with since April. Mark told him constantly to put himself out there, to meet people, go on dates, don’t sit and wallow. But what options did he have.

And then, suddenly, because he wanted it so much his mouth won out over his head, “my friends are having a get together tonight, if you’re not busy...” he trailed off as his brain caught up. What was he thinking?

“Okay.”  

“What?”

“Okay, I’m not busy.” You said, standing and stepping toward the partition, “I am busy right now though...”

“Yeah, right, of course.” He felt like Mark, stumbling over himself. “I can pick you up at your friend’s place?”

“Sure,” you rattled off the address as you checked to see who was left waiting.  

“You know I’m-”

“Yeah. I kinda got that.” You replied, lingering just a second more. You did need to get back to work. The woman with the foul smell had been taken into the other partition but you were stuck with the teen mom who thought her baby was coming every other day despite only being four months pregnant. If you didn’t get to her now there was no way you’d be done in time to meet Roger.  

“Are you?” He chanced asking. Mimi had been, April obviously was. It was his lot in life no matter how melodramatic Mark told him that sounded.  

“No. Some of my roommates are.” You glanced out into the makeshift waiting area as the pregnant girl rubbed her stomach and stared at the wall hangings, “I had better finish up.”

“Right, of course.” He nodded. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“See you tonight Roger.” Feeling a little bolder than usual, whether because a cute guy asked you out or because he looked like the type that might appreciate bolder, you leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. Not too bold but more so than usual for you. He smelled like cigarettes and peroxide and the stubble on his jaw pricked just slightly.  

“See you tonight.” He promised, thinking that maybe Mark was right about this place, it wasn’t as bad as the gaudy church signs outside made it seem. 

-

Trying to find a good balance of work and school and writing and preparing for next semester.... 

[antialiasis]

Jesus Christ Superstar: all of my thoughts

Allll right, this will be me watching my way through Jesus Christ Superstar 2012 (the arena tour with Tim Minchin/Ben Forster) and rambling about e v e r y t h i n g as I go, prompted by me having a lot of thoughts approximately every two minutes while watching it on YouTube/rewatching it/listening to multiple other JCS productions in between. Unusually for me, there will be very little complaining. This production is not perfect but that's not really what I'm here to talk about right now, shush, let me just go on about why I love this musical, at incredible length.

(I will be talking both about particulars in this production and about JCS in general as a narrative, without explicitly distinguishing the two, but please rest assured I do know which is which. I am pretty hardcore, I have seen five different productions live (including the 2013 leg of the arena tour) as well as the movies, listened to a lot of different Gethsemanes, I know this show.)

(this will also jump wildly between deep intellectual analysis and just me shamelessly appreciating the whump content, please bear with me)

can I start off by saying I really love the band and instrumentation and arrangements in 2012

The JCS overture is really long but I love it and it's always fun to see exactly what they do with it when it's staged. This production goes with showing Jesus's followers as protesters clashing with police, following news headlines, and then, during the calm choral "betrayal leitmotif", they're all gathered around Jesus staring at him in the most ominous way - then, as the first notes of "Heaven On Their Minds" play, Jesus closes his eyes and shakes his head a little, as if snapping out of a thought - as if he just felt the coming of betrayal. Neat.

Anyway, "Heaven On Their Minds"! This is such a good song. When I first saw JCS, as my school's production in 2005, and it opened not with Jesus but with Judas, presenting these totally reasonable concerns that he has about Jesus, I was already so intrigued by where this was going. Judas is the actual protagonist of JCS; one of the main narrative things it's doing is telling these events largely from his point of view, imagining how what he did might be interpreted to be sympathetic and understandable. This is why he gets the opening number and the final proper song with the show's closing musings. If you put on JCS and treat it like it's a story about Jesus with Judas as a side character, you're doing it wrong.

The iconic opening riff of “Heaven On Their Minds” is what I’m calling the “Agony” motif in my musical motif chart, because the places it recurs are the moment Judas resolves to hang himself in “Judas’s Death” and... “The 39 Lashes”. Originally I connected it to Judas, but “The 39 Lashes” has nothing at all to do with Judas; instead, the one thing that connects these three occurrences of the motif is pain - which really rather underlines how painful it is when Judas’s mind clears and he sees what lies ahead.

So, Judas: he was one of Jesus's closest friends, and a real, true believer in what this movement was originally about: charity, compassion, noble ideals. But lately, he's seen it turn into more of a cult of personality around Jesus himself - you've begun to matter more than the things you say. Now they're all thinking Jesus is the messiah, the Son of God - and worse, it's like Jesus is starting to believe it himself.

(Tim Minchin does this little frustrated eyeroll on you really do believe this talk of God is true, and I love it. I know his vocal performance is not to everyone's taste, and I get why especially with the unwarranted autotuning on the official recording, but I just love his actual acting here, his expressions and body language, so much. I was watching him for most of the show when I saw this live, because I usually spend most of JCS looking for whether Judas is doing something interesting in the background, and it was choice. Unfortunately the editor for this official recording isn't quite as interested in what Judas is doing in the background as I am, alas, and there are a lot of bits where I'd like to get a better look at him but we don't, but there are still some very good reactions.)

So, the reason this is bad, this whole messiah thing, is not only that calling Jesus their king might rub the authorities the wrong way, but also that now they're all expecting Jesus to up and free them from Roman oppression. Which is just not a thing that he can do! Judas is worried if Jesus doesn't deliver his followers will turn against him (and they'll hurt you when they find they're wrong). He's worried if Jesus actually does try anything, or heaven forbid, his followers just do it on their own - Jesus's words are already being taken out of context and twisted to justify whatever the speaker feels like - if they step so much as a toe over the line, that'll be all the excuse the Romans need to regard the Jewish community as a whole as violent insurgents or a delusional cult and bring in the army. This movement used to be a beautiful thing, but it's become an existential threat with the potential to get them all killed. And - when Judas tries to voice these concerns, Jesus brushes them off. He won't listen. Things are spiraling out of control, and Jesus won't do anything about it.

(Note, by the way, that a big part of Judas's worries is worries about Jesus in particular getting hurt.)

(Judas is very focused here on the future, all these things looming on the horizon that could happen if things continue as they are - so when we transition abruptly into the upbeat "What's the Buzz?", where Jesus tries to get his followers to think less about the future and more about the here and now, for all that it feels like a musical and textual non-sequitur we're actually kind of staying on theme.)

Jesus hasn't been doing anything about things or listening to Judas, and is very focused on the here and now, because as it happens he knows (or at least believes) that in a few days he is going to be tortured and executed, and really he doesn't entirely know what's going to happen after that, and this is pretty terrifying and stressful and right now he's dealing with that by trying to not think about it.

Why are you obsessed with fighting times and fates you can't defy? He basically means this at this point. Why would you try to fight inevitable fates? That’s pointless; it’s not like Jesus would ever do that. You just don’t think about them. Jesus is fine. It’s fine. This is fine.

(Mary is the one person who’s actively helping Jesus take his mind off things and stay in the moment. Emotionally he really needs to just relax and think of nothing and be told everything's all right, and Mary's the person who provides that. She alone has tried to give me what I need right here and now. I contend that this is the main point of Mary's role in the first act of JCS, more than her infatuation with him.)

Buuuut of course Judas has no idea what's behind this. As far as he can tell Jesus is just kind of hypocritically wasting his time on hedonistic indulgence, like the whole Son of God thing's just gone to his head, and like everything else about the situation, it's concerning, and he tries to speak out about it, in “Strange Thing, Mystifying”...

...which prompts Jesus to lash out. There was a sort of frustration behind some of his lines in “What’s the Buzz”, but he still just seemed to be preaching a general philosophy of staying in the here and now. At Judas’s criticisms, though, he's defensive and confrontational, exhorting him to not throw stones... and he's not done: I'm amazed that men like you can be so shallow, thick and slow! There is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go!

That's a total strange overreaction, especially since he starts out addressing Judas but then goes on to "There is not a man among you", when nobody else was saying anything, much less anything implying they don't care about Jesus. So, obviously, this isn't really about what Judas just said. What this is showing us is that Jesus has a lot of pent-up frustrations and concerns, too, and he's in a strangely delicate mood. It's kind of an odd sequence watching it for the first time; this lashout is weird! I thought it was weird when I first saw the show! But that’s the point. It’s here because it is weird, because Jesus is not as fine as he seems.

(This is what almost every song with Jesus in it in Act I is about. It's a series of incidents - many of them based on actual bits from the Bible - of Jesus lashing out unexpectedly and/or being strongly disillusioned with his followers and vaguely, bitterly alluding to his upcoming death. The weight of anticipating his own execution is taking a real psychological toll on him from the start, and this is all building towards where all those fears and doubts and worries and anger come out in "Gethsemane". It took me the longest time to properly notice this, that Jesus isn't just sort of being a drama queen out of nowhere here; these events are being presented like this to connect them into a cohesive speculative narrative that this was all just manifestations of Jesus's anxiety about the fact he believes he's going to die in a few days and he's not sure what he's really accomplished.)

While the apostles join together in a chorus of No, you're wrong! You're very wrong!, Judas silently pulls out a cigarette, because 2012 Judas smokes to calm his nerves and I love it. The nerves don't stop him rolling his eyes again in the background at Jesus's Not one of you!, though. (Jesus has probably been having these weird, oddly self-pitying lashouts for a little while now - it feels like a "this again" sort of eye-roll.)

Judas tries again to confront Jesus during "Everything's Alright", even more emphatic, but in a more sincere and genuine way - he really wants to get through to him. No, seriously, Jesus, why are you wasting expensive ointment on your feet and hair when the poor are starving - you know, the thing this movement was supposed to be about. Mary, probably a bit higher in emotional intelligence than Judas, can obviously tell that Jesus is just pretty stressed out right now and really needs some rest, and basically just tries to get Jesus to ignore him until he goes away - but Jesus responds to him anyway. Starts calm, but there's an oddly defeatist quality to what he's saying - there’ll always be poor people, we can't save them, look at the good things you've got... and then he launches into another bitter lashout: Think while you still have me, move while you still see me - you’ll be lost, you'll be so, so sorry, when I'm gone. Strike two on Jesus-is-not-as-fine-as-he-seems.

(Seriously, though, at this point it'd be reasonable to be pretty alarmed; from an outside perspective, these lines sound kind of suicidal. Perhaps that’s why Mary immediately steps in again to try to calm him down.)

Meanwhile, Judas silently backs off. What he takes away from these two confrontations is that Jesus isn't really happy either. He's not actually thrilled with his followers or what’s going on; he just seems to feel helpless and unable to change anything at all, and has apparently just resigned himself to it, instead of even trying to fix it.

I love how gloriously ominous the "Hosanna Superstar" bit of "This Jesus Must Die" is. It really makes this upcoming cheerful song sound like an omen of doom and horror, the way it feels to the Pharisees. It’s the same melody as “We need him crucified” in “Trial Before Pilate” - apt, since the crowd’s devotion to Jesus is the real problem that causes the Pharisees to believe they need to get him killed.

Thus, the Pharisees have basically the same concerns Judas does - Jesus's mass of fans is growing out of control, they're blasphemously insisting he's their king, and it's only a matter of time before this brings the wrath of the Romans down upon the entire Jewish nation. They only go a bit further by believing the only way to properly quash this movement is to put Jesus to death. (Which is kind of dubious - surely there's a danger that martyring him will just make people more devoted - but I appreciate that they, too, get basically sympathetic motivations. It’s the oppression of the Romans that’s the real enemy here; they only see Jesus as a real problem because of how the Romans might react.)

By "Hosanna", Jesus has recovered his usual composure and passion. This is the one Jesus song where he does genuinely seem to be doing all right, and in that way it serves as a good contrast to literally everything else in this musical. In it we see a glimpse of the preacher and activist that he’s been for these three years, almost bursting with glee as he tells the Pharisees they're not going to be quiet at all thank you very much. He preaches his message to the crowd: There is not one of you who cannot win the Kingdom - a kind, positive echo of yesterday's angry lashout. He loves this, and he still loves this movement. This is what it's all supposed to be about.

...only, of course, for some people to yell "Hey, J.C., J.C., won't you die for me!", and he turns his head, his smile fading just a little (I wish the camera stayed on him a little while longer here). But he recovers and carries on. Ha ha, yeah, he'd die for you.

Jesus's own rally leads directly into Simon's rave, full of adoring fans begging Jesus to touch and kiss them. Same enthusiasm, but more obviously a product of that cult of personality that Judas was worried about. And there in the middle of it is Simon, so bright-eyed and enthusiastic about the whole thing, telling him about how with his probably over 50,000 followers, he should add just a smidge of hatred towards the Romans, and you will rise to a greater power, we will win ourselves a home! He's one of those who want Jesus to be leading a violent revolution to free them.

I like how the first portion of "Poor Jerusalem" echoes a slow, somber version of the same melody as "Simon Zealotes" as Jesus laments, almost to himself, that none of them, nobody at all, understands power, or glory, or anything. This time Jesus isn't really angry, just kind of exhausted and contemplative. Nobody really seems to get his message; these poor misguided people won't get the revolution they're hoping for; Jerusalem itself is doomed. The city wouldn't be willing to do what's needed even if they knew.

To conquer death, you only have to die is one of my favorite lines. I’m an atheist, but as a kid I remember being taught at the Christian summer camp I went to that by dying himself, Jesus conquered death. That idea is twisted and presented the other way around here: to conquer death, you only have to die. Only. An darkly ironic presentation of it as if it were easy. It’s not as easy as Jesus would like it to be - but he truly believes that it’s what he must do.

"Pilate's Dream" has the same melody as the second half of “Poor Jerusalem” - because both Jesus and Pilate are contemplating an unsettling future that they have seen.

I do think it's a little wrong that 2012 Pilate chuckles at the end of "Pilate’s Dream”, though. The whole point of this song, as far as I can tell, is that he's unsettled by this dream, and it's probably part of why he's so reluctant to sentence Jesus to death later, so I think it's an incongruous choice to make it seem like he just sort of brushed it off as nonsense.

As I mentioned before, the arena tour staging includes Simon buying a gun during "The Temple", a really chilling detail that I liked a lot and that is in no way discernible in the official recording. Maybe the editor didn't notice, maybe it just wasn't very clear in the footage they got anyway, maybe it's some sort of ratings issue where showing a gun for a few seconds would just be too much (while the lengthy, brutal torture and execution scenes coming up are totally fine). Obviously it doesn't mean anything for the later narrative or anything (especially since the actual narrative is taking place in 33 AD and guns don't actually exist, regardless of the staging choices of any particular production), but it’s a nice way of using staging to lend further support to the overall point of how Jesus's followers variously fail to understand his teachings - it strengthens both Jesus’s and Judas’s concerns.

When Jesus and Judas arrive at the temple, they're arguing once again, though we don't know what about. Given the way Jesus is striding towards the doors and Judas is trying to hold him back, I imagine Judas is worried that doing something like running into the temple and breaking tables and screaming is the sort of attention-grabbing, polarizing stunt that'd be a really bad idea, and Jesus is upset and doesn't care.

(The bouncer doesn't let Judas in. I'm guessing Jesus tells him Judas is harassing him or something, within the staging-narrative where the temple is a nightclub that has a bouncer.)

So Jesus goes and smashes a table and yells at everyone to get out. This is probably where Jesus begins to alienate a lot of people, who were having a great time at the temple only for him to come in and have a breakdown at them.

(He's so angry, breathing hard, fists clenched after everyone's left. This isn't really about the temple either. He's really begun to realize how many of his followers don't get it at all, and he doesn't have time to fix that. He's been trying for so long and he's so tired.)

The leper bit makes a pretty similar point. Jesus wants to help all these people, and tries - but there are too many, and they're crowding him, and he's not going to be around to help them for much longer - so he desperately tells them to heal themselves, and they leave, probably thinking wow Jesus is kind of a jerk.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything to say about "I Don't Know How to Love Him", love ballads are pretty consistently my least favorite song in every musical, I like and appreciate Mary but my investment in this song pretty much begins and ends with its role in setting up the twisted reprise in "Judas's Death"

I enjoy the fourth-wall-leaning audacity of having the guitarist spotlighted on stage playing the solo before "Damned For All Time", and Judas is looking at him like "who are you, go away", and keeps looking evasively back at him while he's slowly getting the Pharisees' number out of his wallet and calling it. (It also helps show Judas feels pretty guilty and shameful about doing this, and works better for that than having extras on stage - if it were extras, we might expect that them witnessing this could actually mean something later, but when it's the guitarist, it's obvious he's just serving as an anonymous stand-in for a hypothetical random stranger who isn't literally part of the story.)

I like the shot of Judas looking into the security camera outside the Pharisees' building. (That’s decidedly not the same hairdo Tim Minchin has on stage, though.)

Judas opens his talk with the Pharisees, without even greeting them first, by frantically justifying himself, talking about how this is weird and hard for him but there was just nothing else he could do, he's not hoping for a reward or anything, he's been forced to do this, he's not a dirty traitor, please don't think that. He really doesn't want to be here. But here he is anyway, because Jesus can't control it like he did before - and furthermore I know that Jesus thinks so too, Jesus wouldn't mind that I'm here with you. He's seen Jesus over the past few days and he's pretty sure he has this figured out. Jesus can see just as well as he does where things are headed - it's just he's helpless to control it and doesn't know what to do about it. So this has to be done. He'd probably want Judas to bail him out of this, just get him arrested and the movement shut down, for everyone's sake. (Jesus is so self-sacrificing, after all.) Right? He'd be fine with this. Right? (Judas is fine.)

("Damned For All Time" is just Judas wildly word-vomiting trying to placate his own guilt and I love it. He's legitimately afraid of where things are headed if he doesn't do this, and thinks it has to ultimately be the right thing, but that doesn't make him feel any better about it.)

(I like how Caiaphas just sort of coolly listens to him ramble his head off like this while he sips his drink.)

Judas goes for a cigarette again (calming those nerves), and Annas helpfully lights it for him - prompting Judas's next ramble. Annas, you're a friend, a worldly man and wise - Caiaphas, my friend, I know you sympathize. It's not like he's selling Jesus out to anyone unreasonable. Annas is nice! We three, we get it, right? You get it. We're the people who can see when a difficult thing just has to be done, did I mention I HAVE to do this and this is not about money - only for Annas to tell him to cut it out with this blather and excuses and just give them the information they want. And also, they'll pay him handsomely!

I don't need your blood money! Judas says, then I don't want your blood money! Sometimes these lines are reversed, which sounds better - there's something more satisfying about the vowel in need than in want - but I think textually this original order is important. First he's sort of polite-ish-ly declining, saying no, he doesn't need any money, but then when they insist, he declines more firmly, that he doesn't want it either. (I love the way he shoves Annas's hand away.) It's so important to Judas's own principles that he came here because he thinks it's right, not because he wants payment; the idea of being paid makes it way worse.

...But then Caiaphas grabs the cigarette out of his mouth (leaving him a bit shaken with nothing to hold onto anymore) and goes well, you can give it to charity, or to the poor; they understand that's not why he's doing this, but they'd still like to pay him a fee. And that's the reason he ultimately does take the money: because just a few days earlier he was telling Jesus off for letting money be wasted when it could have gone to the poor. How could he do the same?

(Judas is not doing this for the money in this show. He is not being tempted by the money. He was not going to take the money until he was told he could give it to charity. One of the professional live productions I saw just did not understand this at all, and no. Judas is the protagonist! He is not here for the money! It's done right here, with the Pharisees just throwing the money at him after he names Gethsemane, and him not even reacting, just slowly picking it up afterwards. Tim Minchin gets Judas.)

I like to think the Well done, Judas / Good old Judas chorus is sort of the voice of the Divine Plan, such as it is, which he's now done his first part in.

"The Last Supper" has slowly become one of my favorite parts of the entire show, and I particularly enjoy it in this particular production.

Judas walks in and doesn't look at Jesus at all - can't quite bear to, at the moment. Jesus looks after him, knowing exactly what's going on... and that's when he starts in on The end is just a little harder when brought about by friends.

Jesus has a drink of the wine, which I like a lot. This definitely is a drinking sort of moment. I like the idea of him being a little inebriated in this scene.

For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body. The end... This is my blood you drink, this is my body you eat. Judas reflexively rolls his eyes again - Jesus off on one of these weird sorts of rants yet again. (As with so much, I love that Jesus Christ Superstar takes this bit of the Bible and lets it just be a weird thing to say, recontextualizes it as an empty, halfhearted statement that he doesn't feel like his followers even care hours before his impending arrest, instead of treating it as something profound and meaningful. Again and again, Jesus is portrayed less as a noble profound religious figure and more as just a person haunted by mounting dread and anxiety, and I love it so much.)

Jesus sort of tries to make this into a nice, comforting thing, to ask them to remember him when they eat and drink - but it doesn't work. It's happening tonight, and here they all are, these people, his supposed followers, who don't understand a thing he's said, ever, and Jesus just breaks. I must be mad, thinking I'll be remembered! Yes, I must be out of my head! Look at your blank faces! My name will mean nothing ten minutes after I'm dead! (Judas looks up vaguely, kind of concerned - Jesus, this is further than he usually goes.) One of you denies me, one of you betrays me! And that's when Judas really looks up. Jesus knows.

There's a pause, a commotion, and Jesus is going to just retreat and leave it at that - but no, then he keeps going. He calls out Peter specifically for being about to deny him three times, shoving him, and then yells about how one of my twelve chosen will leave to betray me! At which Judas finally stands up. Cut out the dramatics! You know very well who! It's obvious that somehow Jesus found out. (Maybe Judas thinks the guitarist might have told on him.)

Judas's surprised You want me to do it? when Jesus tells him to go do it delights me. Judas, I thought you knew that Jesus totally wanted you to do this. It's almost like you didn't really know that at all and just convinced yourself of that to feel better about it. (Obviously, though, Jesus clearly doesn't actually want it so much, does he, the way he's shouting.)

Judas tries to explain himself but Jesus doesn't care - he doesn’t want to hear about why one of his most trusted friends wants to betray him to the authorities, not when this has to happen and he can’t prevent it. Judas is really nervous and defensive and hurt by his hostility, declares he hates Jesus now. (You liar, you Judas! Jesus says, which is kind of hilarious and also - yeah, he's a liar, he doesn't hate Jesus at all.) You wanted me to do it? What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition? Christ, you deserve it! Judas still kind of wants to just stay and cancel the whole thing, even if it's simply justified as petulant spite. But Jesus tells him to just go already; he just wants to get this over with, as quickly as possible, because it hurts.

Judas is near tears as he turns away to get his things. The apostles have no idea what's going on, singing, some of them trying to see if Judas is okay, which suggests they have no idea what they were even talking about - whatever this 'betrayal' is supposed to be, it doesn’t cross their minds that Judas is about to get Jesus arrested.

Judas trudges up the steps, batting them away, still on the verge of tears - only then he stops, his face changing. And he throws down his backpack and turns for one final confrontation with Jesus. You sad, pathetic man! Look what you've brought us to! Our ideals die around us, and all because of you! This is still about their ideals for him, after all. And yet, saddest of all, someone had to turn Jesus in - like a common criminal, he first says, but then, like a wounded animal, someone helpless to help themselves, who needs to be pitied and put out of their misery. Jesus could have done something. Jesus could have put a stop to this. Why does he have to do it? (Why does he have to do it?)

Every time I look at you, I don't understand why you let the things you did get so out of hand. You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned. Why? Jesus does have a plan, of sorts, of course - it's just that this is all part of it. Judas doesn't believe Jesus is actually the Son of God, or that he could possibly have a "plan" that involves dying for some grand cosmic cause. As far as he can tell Jesus's actions are just bizarre and pathetic and self-defeating, and he's been saddled with the unfortunate, dirty job of saving Jesus from himself.

(Judas presumably still doesn't realize that the Pharisees plan to literally have him killed. I doubt he'd be doing this, or at least not in this way, if he knew.)

In the wake of this final confrontation, Mary hugs Peter, who Jesus just shoved and accused of denying him. She considers going to Jesus too, but Peter convinces her they'd probably best leave it alone. Peter himself seems to be considering going to Jesus, but then doesn't. Everyone dejectedly goes to sleep. Jesus is alone for tonight, his apostles alienated, his right-hand man gone as Jesus must wait for him to return with soldiers and set the dreaded end in motion. This must be the loneliest, most awful night of his life.

Jesus rubs his hand hard against a stair as the apostles are finishing their song - an agitated fidget that I am far more fond of than I should be. As he realizes they've all gone to sleep, he grips it instead, something to hold on to. Will no one stay awake with me? Peter, John, James? He just sounds broken and like he's about to cry. Which is good. He sings all of Gethsemane sounding like he's on the verge of tears and that's exactly how it should sound, do not at me.

(Please bear with me as I go on about this Gethsemane because it's my favorite one ever at this point, haters to the left)

See, when I first saw this production (I saw the official recording once before I realized it was still on and I could see it live), I didn't really like Ben Forster's Jesus for the first half! He seemed sort of over-the-top and I wasn't the biggest fan of his voice and all in all I was ehhh on him. But then he did "Gethsemane" and I just felt it to my core in a way I'd never felt it before, and it floored me. I've watched and listened to a lot of versions of this song. There are better singers who make it more pleasant to listen to - but they tend to be very dignified and Jesus-y about it, like this poised religious figure just having a brief moment of vulnerability and emotionality. Even the performances specifically praised for being emotional tend to be the ones that just make it really angry. And I've seen a lot of great ones of both varieties! But Ben Forster just makes it so raw and human. Like this terrified, exhausted, desperate human being who's spent the entire preceding hour of this play dreading this thing that's coming, his resolve finally faltering in this moment of agonizing solitude as his doubts and fears and frustrations finally come pouring out, how much he wants to call the whole thing off, begging to either not have to do this or at least be properly convinced why he should. It's what made me properly start to look at Jesus's character progression during this story in the first place and notice all the buildup about his fragile mental state that's always been there in the lyrics. This is the “Gethsemane” that made me really, truly care about Jesus.

he's rubbing the stair again at the beginning of the song, I'm sorry I love fidgets and nervous gestures you guys

I've never heard anyone emphasize three years the way Ben Forster does, and the desperation of it hits me in the heart. Weren't these three years enough?

Let's talk about You're far too keen on where and how, and not so hot on why, which is pretty key to this show’s interpretation of Jesus. He and the Almighty are definitively not the same entity here; Jesus knows or believes he knows a lot of things about how this is all going to play out, and even some of the future beyond that (in "Poor Jerusalem"), but he doesn't actually understand what his death is supposed to accomplish. He knows that he's going to be crucified and it's going to happen because Judas betrays him and so on and so on, and that this is all supposedly very important, and Jesus has been willing to accept that without question, but really he doesn't know the whys here and never has, and as much as he's just never questioned it anyway because of his absolute conviction that this is God’s plan, he can't not do so now, when he's going to have to suffer an agonizing death in the service of these inscrutable goals, not sometime in the vague far future but soon.

(Technically, for all we know, Jesus isn’t the Son of God. God doesn’t answer him; the song is a monologue. Jesus has suspiciously specific knowledge of the future but that’s about it as far as actual concrete evidence of his divinity goes in this show. But what matters is that he believes this is what God wills.)

His initial All right. I'll die. Just watch me die! is so spiteful, only for the following lines to just turn into this anguished scream, and it kills me

I love the way he collapses on the stairs, and just finally breaks down and starts crying, and there's that agitated rubbing of the stair again

The second three years is just exhausted and my heart still breaks for it. These have been a hard three years. Seems like ninety.

Why then am I scared to finish is probably my favorite line in this. He just sounds so broken and desperate and actually scared, and his body language is so tense and agitated and desperate; he's so angry at himself for being scared when this has been the plan all along and for some reason now he just can’t seem to go through with it.

And then he has that realization. What I started? ...What you started. I didn't start it! This isn't his plan. He's just a cog in God's machinery. It's a fixed, unavoidable fate, isn't it? And he finds a kind of desperate acceptance in just thinking of it that way - at least for a moment (before I change my mind!). But it's a spiteful acceptance. He's addressing God now. I will drink your cup of poison, nail me to your cross and break me, bleed me, beat me, kill me, take me now! Because it's you who are doing this. It's your cross, you who are killing me. Note the contrast to earlier: Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me, nail me to their tree. It's not actually the people who are responsible for any of this, even if they’ll technically be the ones to do the deed; it's God's plan, his cross, his crucifixion.

I love how he looks so tense standing there afterwards while the audience is applauding, because he's not actually waiting for applause, he's waiting for the soldiers to arrest him and set him on the path to his execution. Arms spread at first, in a come at me sort of way, but then he just clenches his fists at his sides, eyes closed, still waiting.

There he is. They're all asleep, the fools. Implying Judas wouldn't have just gone to sleep, if he'd been left there. AU where Jesus has literally anyone to comfort him, instead of standing there alone desperately pleading to God to not have him killed. Hnngh.

The kiss is just as it is in the Bible, of course. But there, it's presented as a sort of extra nasty element of this betrayal, that he'd be betrayed with a kiss. Here, it's more like Judas just wants to say goodbye, one last time, and does it in this kind of tender way.

And... Jesus breaks down crying, clings to him, pulls him into a hug. Because of course he does. The reminder that Judas still cares, memories of everything they've been through together, and the knowledge this is probably his last chance at some kind of comforting human contact? Of course he does. He just wants to not be alone, for a few seconds, before the end.

At first Judas just sort of lets him do it, but by the time the soldiers come along to separate them, Judas is clinging to Jesus, too. Ohh, my heart.

The apostles wake up at the commotion and are immediately on their feet to fight off the soldiers. There is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go, Jesus said, a few days ago; now here they are, worrying for him, wanting to save him. But he has to stop them. He mustn't be saved, and they'd only get themselves hurt. Put away your sword - don't you see that it's all over? It was nice but now it's gone. That exhausted resignation.

Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on. He doesn't sound angry here - it's just kind of a gentle rebuke. He's touched that they tried. I like that he plays it that way; it'd be legit to make it angry, but in the context of how Jesus has spent a lot of time feeling like they don't really care at all and in this moment it finally becomes clearer to him that they do - not to mention that this is basically his final goodbye to them - it makes sense to let it be kind of tender.

From this point on, Jesus has to just quietly accept his fate. He's very silent, barely says anything - because now things just have to play out how they play out, and nothing he says will change anything, nor should change anything.

The reporters asking questions here (to the melody of "The Temple") are one of the relatively few major anachronisms baked into the actual lyrics as opposed to any particular production. They're not really reporters; it's kind of a representation of some of his previous followers watching this as a kind of spectacle, expecting him to make a dramatic escape or fight back, excited by what's happening (you'll just DIE in the high priest's house!), rather than sympathizing or caring. These are the people who are going to ultimately turn against him as a mob and pressure Pilate into crucifying him.

Caiaphas asks if Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus says That's what you say, yet another line based directly on the Bible. Growing up I always just found that kind of a silly thing for him to say - why won't he just stick to his story instead of suddenly acting like he never said such a thing? But it makes real sense here. Again, Jesus is resigned to his fate, to passively letting this happen. He's not going to deny it or try to get out of it, because he can't and mustn't. But he has no desire to speak up about how the rocks and stones will sing for him right now, or actively provoke them and give them more reasons to persecute him. He's just going to stand here and let things happen until it's over.

(also, he probably doesn't really feel so much like the Son of God right now)

Judas, thank you for the victim! Stay a while and you'll see him bleed! In this production, Caiaphas and Annas both say the last sentence together, but originally it's just Annas, which has always led me to feel that where Caiaphas is pure cold pragmatism and just believes this is what needs to be done for the sake of the nation, Annas is bit of a twisted son of a bitch. He's obviously intentionally twisting the knife here, because he thinks Judas's conflictedness about the whole thing is a bit pathetic and hilarious and likes to see him squirm.

(let me complain again about the editor not letting us see Judas's reaction to this line)

Peter's reluctance to throw his phone on the fire is a mood

also him threatening the homeless people with a broken bottle when they keep pressing him on whether he was with Jesus, before Mary takes it off him, is something I enjoy

Pilate and Christ probably takes place at Pilate’s gym in this staging to show Pilate hasn’t even made time for Jesus in an official capacity - he’s just being unexpectedly brought before him in his off time, hence why he’s particularly dismissive here.

Jesus barely looks at Pilate. Another dispassionate That's what you say.

How can someone in your state be so cool about his fate? An amazing thing, this silent king. Of course, Pilate doesn't understand any more than anyone else that Jesus being crucified is the plan. Again, Jesus is just letting this play out.

He does look up when Pilate declares he should go to Herod instead, though. It must be torture for him having this drawn out further. Poor Jesus, having to suffer through a comic relief number when he just wants to get this over with.

Jesus does look at Herod as he's making all these offers of letting him free if he'll just perform a miracle. It's got to be a tempting thought despite everything. But no, he must still sit there and let it happen.

"These results are for entertainment purposes only and do not reflect any real votes. The outcome is predetermined by the character of King Herod who clearly is going to find Jesus guilty of being a fraud otherwise it would be a very short Act 2." Going all the way with that fourth-wall-breaking.

the bit where they put the hood over Jesus's head sure hits some specific button I didn't realize I had

Judas there with his head buried in his hands in the background towards the end of "Could We Start Again Please" ohhhh

I feel like the usual implication with the abrupt opening of "Judas's Death" is that Judas has just been seeing Jesus being beaten, whereas here he's explicitly sitting there with the apostles contemplating what he's done and just gets up and freaks out when Caiaphas and Annas happen to walk by. I like him punching Caiaphas, but the way he just goes from zero to sixty there does feel a little weird. I don't care, though, Judas in the background during "Could We Start Again Please" is worth it.

For all that Judas is mortified by the way Jesus is being made an example of, he can also see the way his name will forever be associated with treachery, and none of his good intentions meant anything at all in the end. He’s wracked with guilt at what he’s done, but additionally all he can see in the future is being vilified and reviled, blamed for Jesus’s murder.

Ugh Annas kicking Judas while he's down he's such a bastard

Tim Minchin goes so all out on making "Judas's Death" just ugly anguished screaming and crying and I am so here for it.

Judas has never believed in the divinity of Jesus, but Jesus has some strange, intense, frightening quality that both Judas and Mary can feel, and just before his final breakdown, although Judas is telling himself that He's a man - he's just a man!, he seems to be starting to feel that that's not quite true: he starts to wonder if Jesus will leave him be after his death, and then right after the "I Don't Know How to Love Him" reprise is where his mental state takes a turn as he realizes God is behind all this, that perhaps the whole thing was planned.

The projecting images of Jesus' torment up onto the background screen as Judas is despairing is also very good - Jesus hasn't even been sentenced yet but he knows where this is headed and he sure is imagining it and feeling responsible for it.

Judas, like Jesus, concludes here that it's God who orchestrated all this and he never got a choice. In his case, though, it's serving as a way of running from his guilt. We got to hear all about his reasons for thinking this was the right thing to do, after all - it's not as if he was literally controlled into anything. He didn't realize he was dooming Jesus to a horrible death at the time, but he still did it of his own free will. And it isn't a real comfort - all it means is that in his final anguished moments he has someone to scream his despair at. You have murdered me!

(hang me from your tree)

the particular scream and sob that he does as he kicks the box out from under him hits my buttons very hard hhhh

Poor old Judas, so long, Judas, goes the Plan chorus. There's a pretty callous quality to that, appropriately enough for a very callous Plan involving a lot of suffering.

Please give my compliments to the sound designer who makes a point of turning on Jesus' microphone so we can hear his strained breathing before "Trial Before Pilate" begins

Jesus's resolve to say nothing of substance is breaking by this point, and he actually answers Pilate's "Where is your kingdom?" I have got no kingdom in this world, I'm through, through, through - there may be a kingdom for me somewhere, if I only knew. It's probably pretty hard to feel like he's headed for a triumphant resurrection right now, and the fact he's spilling those doubts to Pilate in a moment of frustrated honesty is pretty tragic.

(Some versions, including the 1973 movie, change this lyric to if you only knew. No! Bad! The whole point here is Jesus doubting it! If you want to change it you should not be putting on this show!)

Then he's a king? It’s what you say I am! I look for truth and find that I get damned! This frustration coming out here is so good.

Pilate's frustration is very good too - just dripping off every line. This mob of people insisting he sentence this harmless fool to death (one who reminds him uncomfortably of this dream that he had the other day), crowing about Caesar all of a sudden like they're oh so very concerned with protecting Caesar's authority.

As Jesus once again refuses to talk, there’s a brief mournful instrumental interlude before Look at your Jesus Christ - this is a slowed-down version of a bit of “Prescience”, the motif from “Pilate’s Dream”. He remembers that unsettling dream, consciously or unconsciously, and feels sympathy and pity for this strange man before him. After that is when he begins to argue that Jesus hasn’t committed any crime and there’s no reason to kill him.

can we appreciate that Webber and Rice went and made a song called "The 39 Lashes" that's literally just Pilate counting excruciatingly to 39 while Jesus screams in pain

can we also appreciate Jesus writhing on the floor after rolling down the stairs, Ben Forster really goes for it in acting out all this pain and torture and I love him for it

Why do you not speak when I have your life in my hands? asks Pilate, and Jesus just about musters the energy to say, You have nothing in your hands. Any power you have comes to you from far beyond - everything is fixed and you can't change it! He's kind of desperate to make Pilate understand this. Pilate keeps on trying to get Jesus to say something that'll let him release him, but that can't happen, because this must be so. Pilate needs to just play his part and get it over with, please get it over with.

And so, Pilate has to appease the mob and let him die, even though he doesn't want to at all, and tries to wash his hands of it. Much like in his dream, though, he'll in fact be remembered as the guy who sentenced Jesus to death. Clearly didn't wash your hands well enough, Pilate

It's such a delightfully bold creative decision to place an upbeat number like "Superstar" right here as Jesus is about to be crucified.

It's fascinating to see the differences in how this song in particular is staged; it's so abstract and disconnected that different directors really go nuts with it. Some productions, including the 2000 movie, imply Judas has come out of Hell to taunt him; the movie in particular makes a point of having Judas lazily, cruelly stand on the cross while Jesus is trying to carry it, grinning at his agony, surrounded by scantily clad demon women, though he has a moment of doubt and guilt as Jesus stares at him. (That movie generally posits Judas as not in control of his actions at all - so God is apparently basically just making him do this as part of his torture in Hell, which is delightfully twisted.) Others (including this one and the 1973 movie) have him among angels, as if he's descended from Heaven. In the 1973 movie Carl Anderson seems largely to just be singing it to himself - it cuts to Jesus carrying the cross a few times, but Judas isn't there.

Here, "Superstar" feels a bit like a delirious hallucination Jesus is experiencing. Judas descends on the stage lights that are about to form the cross (what an entrance) and performs the song surrounded by angels while Jesus is being affixed to the cross; they look at each other, but Judas doesn't really interact with him. There's definitely no taunting; Tim Minchin plays it in a very good-natured way, not even the kind of angry questioning of Carl Anderson in the 1973 movie. Effectively, despite the hallucinatory vibes, the way it comes across to me is Judas really is actually there in spirit, from a timeless afterlife, having had an eternity to think and come to terms with and understand what Jesus was doing - and finally just asking him some questions, without judgement. Is he what they say he is? What does he think about Buddha and Mohammed? Why didn't he choose a different time period where it would've been easier to spread his message? Did he know his death would inspire millions? It's all a sort of musing, fourth-wall-leaning modern perspective, not hostile, just curious.

Also this version just makes me happy because Judas seems happy and mentally at peace in the afterlife and who doesn't want that

Anyway, from that to Jesus crying on the cross. And I mean crying. Once again Ben Forster delivers the human suffering element of this story. "The Crucifixion" is a weird, weird song, chaotic and noisy and kind of offputting and tends to feel sort of inappropriate for the mood; in this production you don't even notice because the staging is so brutal. There's no cool symbolic dignity to this; Jesus is just crying and screaming and sobbing the whole time, yelling the disconnected final-words lines in an agonized, delirious haze. You actually believe you're watching a man dying in agony, God damn. It hurts and I love it.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? is the most gutwrenching line, of course. (And straight out of the Bible, lest we forget - I think it’s fascinating that in the likely oldest gospel of Mark as well as Matthew, this horrible, heartwrenching, human cry is all he says on the cross, while the gospels of John and Luke instead each feature their own disjoint sets of more profound-sounding sayings. It’s hard not to wonder if the other lines might be inventions by those gospels’ human authors or their sources, people who perhaps just didn’t want Jesus’s final words to be something so achingly desperate and vulnerable.) He's done all this to carry out God's great plan, and yet in this moment, in the middle of this nightmare of slow, unending agony, he feels certain that God has abandoned him and he's just dying, alone, pointlessly, for nothing. Ow, my empathetic heart.

You can hear him feeling death approaching at last and the relief he feels at that realization just before It is finished and Father, into your hands I commend my spirit

(it's easier to believe again when his suffering is finally, mercifully about to end)

Ben Forster also does a very good job not visibly breathing when he's playing a corpse. On this blog we appreciate the little things.

I've always found it pretty neat and interesting that Jesus Christ Superstar does not include the resurrection or any allusion to it at all; he just dies on the cross, they mourn and carry him away, and the show ends. Again, the only thing in this show that’s at all supernatural is that Jesus seems to know the future, and even that is fairly ambiguous. It's a story about human suffering, and it's a hugely compelling story without him rising from the dead at the end, which'd just kind of cheapen it. You can imagine that he did, but this ending invites you to contemplate that this story is just as meaningful if he did not.

In conclusion, Jesus Christ Superstar is one of my absolute favorite things and the 2012 arena tour is my baby

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Review Replies for The Second Law Chapter 15

Thanks to the following awesome people for reviewing chapter 15: LunarMagnolia, RogueSareth, Rosenthorne, KairaB, Lady_Experiment, Star-gazer, AfroditeOhki, EllieDoll, RandomBystander, Sachianna, AGreekDemigod, Wallflwr97, NickyADon, Brynn, Espanholina, Geeeny, dancingmagicmyths, Bieslook, and Justice_not_Revenge! I really appreciate your feedback and read each comment to better understand what people may be looking for in this story and what questions and expectations are. So thank you for helping me to write this story!

You can read individual review replies below! :)

LunarMagnolia: As always, thank you so much for your extensive feedback and thoughts on the last chapter! I’m really excited that you like the inclusion of the generals (I hope to include them more as time goes on), and how Lotor is characterized in this fic. Because I want Lotor to feel familiar? But to also expand his character too, given how much his imprisonment might have altered him. And ahhh I’m so glad you enjoyed the addition of Coran! He just wrote himself in doing that—I didn’t really plan for it, haha. But I’m glad it happened. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

RogueSareth: Thank you so much for continuing to read and review after all of this time. I really appreciate it!

Rosenthorne: Gosh, it does sound nice, haha. I’m making myself hungry with all of this talk about soup. Thank you for returning to read and review!

KairaB: Ahhh thank you for returning to read and review after so long! Sorry that my update schedule for this story has been less than stellar lately, averaging like….one chapter every four months, oof. But it really means a lot that you’ve maintained interest! I really like seeing Allura and Lotor getting closer too. They’re kind of just writing themselves in all of these conversations, so I’m really curious about what they might do next, lol. Thank you again for your reviews!

Lady_Experiment: Yooo! You know Lotor’s secret about the tea is going to come back to haunt him at some point, haha. And yaaas, Coran definitely does take on some Uncle Iroh vibes here. XD Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

Star-gazer: Thank you, and thanks so much for continuing to read and review this story!

AfroditeOhki: Oh gosh, yeah, Allura def deserves a whole village taking care of her after all she’s done to protecc them all, guh. And ahh I hope you enjoy the movie selected for this next round—Lotor definitely had to come back to the family here even just for that, lol. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story still, into year two of its life!

EllieDoll: Thank you so much for that high praise, and guh, I hope this story can continue to help make future days fun! The generals are def fun to write, haha—I’m confident we’ll see more of them, as we will Coran Coran the Healer Man, bless that title omg. And ahhh, I know this story started off as mostly Lotor whump and hurt/comfort, lol, but it really has been fun to reverse the roles and have him comforting our sick princess—while also still bantering with her, lol. As always, thanks so much for all of your support!

RandomBystander: Thank you very much for that kind review, and I’m so happy you’re enjoying the story! I really appreciate your feedback.

Sachianna: Yooo belle + beast vibes is the equivalent of the 100 emoji, blessss!! That’s a great movie, yas, as is Mulan. I would love to see the paladins bursting into song over those, and Lotor’s ears flicking back in just total bewilderment, lol. I really appreciate your support on this story and for reading and reviewing!

AGreekDemigod: asd;jfa;sldfj this is basically your lotura bible? Omg, wow, that is a very high compliment, and I hope to continue to do it justice! I think it’s really fun to write battle scenes, lol, but somehow these characters just kinda write themselves too, so I’m just along for the ride! I definitely think we’ll be seeing more of the generals, and I haven’t forgotten about Adam either! Thank you so much for rereading this story and dropping me a review—it means a lot!

Wallflwr97: Ahh fluff and angst (flangst?) is one of my favorite genres, haha! Yaas, I really enjoy writing this version of Lotor because he’s just got so many stress points to explore, LOL. But gosh, he’s  definitely struggling with how to feel for Allura—maybe watching another movie could help something! As always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing my work. I really appreciate your support too—because that def keeps me inspired and engaged in this ship! So do know just how much you contribute as well! <3

NickyADon: Bless omg, I can see Lotor saying that too and being a very smug brat about it while Allura just starts sputtering, lol. About Keith and Acxa, I definitely do have them set up as a bit of a foil for each other—I always thought that was interesting Acxa’s VA said they were supposed to be shipped, when I was worried that maybe they might be siblings, LOL. And ahhh omg, yaaas I love a Lotor and Shiro friendship—I would have loved to see them grow to be good friends! Thank you so much for always reading and reviewing this story! (And yoo I do love me a more complex and damaged Lotor too, lol!)

Brynn: Yoooo bless you and your extensive reviews, as always! About Allura’s missing piece in her quintessence field, it’s hinted at within the chapter, but Lotor hasn’t put two-and-two together yet either. So it hasn’t been fully revealed yet, but the topic will definitely come back to explain what the effect is on Allura as well. And gosh, I love writing Allura and Lotor arguing, lol—idk why, but they kinda just write themselves bantering, so I go along with it. I think they almost need to argue over even the petty things, given how much tension has been between them, haha. I think it helps to release some of that built-up tension. And ahh we’ll definitely see more of Lotor’s Generals as the story goes along—and more Lotor and team Voltron shenanigans too. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

Espanholina: Gosh yeah, I feel like canon Allura really undervalues her own life a lot, so I feel like Lotor would be incensed by this. But yaaaas dat mate bond is def growing, and we’ll continue to see it result in some things, even in this upcoming chapter! Allura’s missing piece of quintessence will also reappear as a plot point, muahahaha. And yaaas, they’re getting along again finally—even if they are still a bit jabby at times, XD. “Coran’s Ipurim Trade,” loll omg yas please! That is so cute! Thank you so much as always for reading and reviewing!

Geeeny: LOL I got such a giggle from your reviews, bless and thank you! For as serious as the topics are in this story, I also really like to try having things that lighten the mood, so Lotor liking and using cat memes just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy, haha. I really appreciate your high compliments as to my work, and I hope they can continue to be meaningful for you. Thank you again for your support and reviews!

Dancingmagicmyths: Yoooo bless omg! Okay so when I started this fic, I really did intend it to be focused on just Lotor and Allura. But then the more I got to writing the paladins, the more I realized how much fun it is to have a whole found family interacting together, so I’m really excited that you’ve found meaning in those interactions too! Gosh, I just want to see the disaster royals happy as well, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a sucker for hurt/comfort too, LOL. And I think for me, I really wanted to show that it’s not just a one-way street in terms of caring—that Lotor cares for Allura as much as she does him. (Which gives me more opportunity for more hurt/comfort bwahahaha.) Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this!!

Bieslook: Oh wow, thanks so much for returning to the Voltron fic archives and taking a chance on this story! Yeah, I was disappointed too at how the show turned out and wanted to explore more about this incredibly complex character and all of his potential interactions with a found family. And this story was originally supposed to just be a “what if” thing, lol, but now it’s stretching out into a full s7-s8 rewrite, haha. I really appreciated your note and kind words. Thank you for your review, and for checking out several of my other stories as well!!

Justice_not_Revenge: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story; I really appreciate it!

[incomprehensiblelentils]

Lentils’ 2020 Christmas Movie Rankings

My wife and I watched a lot of Christmas movies this year, and I thought it would be fun to rank them based on which ones I think were most watchable and enjoyable. I’ve left out a few that we watched during this time period, which are classic Christmas movies (Miracle on 34th Street), action movies set at Christmas (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3), or older romances set around Christmas (While You Were Sleeping and You’ve Got Mail), because it’s not fair to rank these amongst, well, some of the movies we saw.

my top 5, for those of you who don’t like reading (which is fair): The Princess Switch: Switched Again, Dashing in December, The Princess Switch, Jingle Jangle, Happiest Season.

my top 3 Chaotic Christmas Movies: A New York Christmas Wedding, 12 Pups of Christmas, The Princess Switch: Switched Again. Please watch these movies if you enjoy chaotic plots. Please especially watch the first two I listed because holy shit my summaries do not properly convey the chaos.

The Princess Switch: Switched Again (2020): Some people on the internet have been VERY RUDE about this movie and I’m sorry they don’t appreciate a true chaotic holiday gem when they see it. This movie involves two Vanessa Hudgenses, Scheduled Vanessa and Spontaneous Vanessa, who are distant cousins and not twins, switching places to try to facilitate Spontaneous Vanessa getting back together with her ex the baker, but Scheduled Vanessa is intercepted by a third cousin Vanessa, Horny Vanessa, who wants to take Spontaneous Vanessa’s place as queen. I don’t want to spoil anything that happens in this movie so that you can experience the batshittery for yourself, but I found every second absolutely delightful. It also has two very good romantic couples who are cute and who genuinely seem to like each other, which is not something I can say for every movie on this list!

Dashing in December (2020): This movie has gay cowboys, is set on a ranch, and features a squaredancing scene, so if that isn’t your bag, you are probably not going to like it very much. I found it deeply charming and the only reason it isn’t #1 is that three quarters of the way through, the lead suddenly turns back into a giant jerk for no real reason and that was very upsetting. But it all works out in the end. The main romance is very cute, there are horses, the horsemanship doesn’t totally suck ass, and there are some fun side characters. It’s not reinventing the wheel, but it’s pleasant.

The Princess Switch (2018): Again, some people are mean about this movie and they shouldn’t be because it is CUTE GODDAMMIT. It is absolutely The Prince and the Pauper but with two Vanessa Hudgenses, but also, it shows the aforementioned two good romantic couples falling in love and they are delightful. I am not saying this is a great masterpiece of romance, but the filmmakers actually tried to give these characters reasons to like each other, which, again, is not true for some of the movies on this list.\

Jingle Jangle (2020): I kind of feel bad putting this movie on the same list as TV movies that were obviously just shit out by Hallmark or whoever, because this clearly had a lot of love and heart put into it, and it really shows. I was so immediately charmed by this movie that I didn’t even mind when it immediately went in very silly directions. I don’t know if the plot makes sense at all (a cute robot shows up for seemingly no reason other than that cute robots are fun!) but it doesn’t have to, because everyone is having so much fun and there’s so much joy in this movie that I was just happy to be along for the ride. Also, I would love to see an entire movie in the stop-motion style from the opening scene.

Happiest Season (2020): I absolutely understand why some people didn’t like this movie, and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t dislike it, and also, it’s MY movie, and I love it, and I’m not interested in fighting about it. It helped me come out to my parents and also featured two of my faves kissing and that’s all I need. 

Noelle (2019): I was previously under the impression this movie was bad, and I don’t know why, because it’s a little embarrassing and cheesy at times, but it’s sweet. I suspect what will make or break it for you is if you like Anna Kendrick, and because I like Anna Kendrick, I like watching her play a neurotic Claus sibling trying desperately to fix the problem she accidentally caused. One weird thing though: this movie tried to convince me about halfway through that she was both spoiled and selfish, and I don’t actually think that’s true at all. I think she was a little naive and sheltered and wanted people to like her way too much, but she’s not really shown to be a selfish person - she’s constantly paying attention to other people in the real world and her brother is the one who refused to admit that he wasn’t cut out for the Santa gig and instead fucked off to “find himself” or whatever. It was weird! But anyway, I liked this movie a lot.

I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998): So this movie...one Christmas Eve when I was in high school, I was having trouble falling asleep for whatever reason so I went downstairs to get some water. My mom happened to have the TV on and this movie was just starting, and she invited me to join her. Fun fact: this movie went to theaters and it stars Jonathan Taylor-Thomas and Jessica Biel. It is one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen in my life and at no point does anyone in it actually behave like a human being. It’s about a smooth-talking jackass who has to be bribed to come home for Christmas and then, after one of his dumbass moneymaking schemes lands him in hot water, he gets abandoned in the middle of the California desert wearing a Santa suit and glued-on beard. He then has to beg, lie, and cheat his way home for Christmas dinner so that his dad will give him a vintage Porsche they fixed up together. I have no defense for this character; he is insufferable and only becomes marginally less so by the end of the film. But also, I have to watch this movie every year (usually with my mom, although not this year for obvious reasons) or it doesn’t feel like Christmas. 

A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish (2019): We own this on DVD and have seen it three times. In our defense, we wanted to support Gregg Sulkin from Runaways and Isabella Gomez from One Day at a Time, both of whom feature prominently in this movie, and also sing songs. This is just Cinderella But At Christmas, and if that doesn’t sound like fun to you, I don’t think anything I can say will change your mind. I will say that the songs are amusingly autotuned, there’s a disabled dog that’s very cute, and I personally think that the leads have slightly better chemistry than some of the pairs on this list. But it is literally just another Cinderella Story movie.

The Knight Before Christmas (2019): This movie is Thor (2011) But At Christmas, and it would have been slightly higher except I always forget about the plot where at the end the knight becomes a cop. Bad, obviously! But anyway, the plot of this movie is: nice but clueless dude crash-lands on Earth for Reasons and bumbles around trying to figure out what’s up, while falling in love with a nice lady. That’s just Thor and you know I’m right. And for as dumb as this movie is, at least it’s ambitious. I have learned that Christmas movies can do one of two things to please me: a) have actors that have decent chemistry and charm and are fully committed to whatever nonsense is going on, or b) have absolutely batshit chaotic plots. This movie is like a 4 out of 5 on the chaos scale and I like it a lot, besides the copaganda. I hope this also gets made into a trilogy and Cole isn’t a cop anymore.

A Christmas Prince 3: The Royal Baby (2019): I will get into my problems with the first two Christmas Prince movies later, but my main criticism is that they are kind of boring and not chaotic enough. This one decided to make up for that by incorporating a missing ancient treaty, a curse, and a ghost, as well as a subplot about Girl Power (I use this semi-ironically) and a subplot about cousin Simon potentially committing treason again. I was so excited that things were happening in this movie the first time I watched it that I may be a little biased, but oh well. Oh, I was also absolutely terrified it was going to be racist and it is...mostly not? There are a few questionable moments but like mostly it’s fine.

Christmas With the Prince (2018): I wanted to watch this because the summary on Netflix did not match the summary on Google at all, and that’s because, uh, they’re both sort of right? Ostensibly this movie is about a pediatric oncologist who comes back into contact with an old almost-flame, who just happens to be the prince of a tiny European country, because he fucked up his leg and needs somewhere private to stay. And apparently a pediatric oncology ward is the best place for that? But then after they fall in love this random Russian lady shows up and is like “that’s my fiance.” This happens maybe twenty minutes from the end. Anyway, this movie isn’t great but I liked the lead guy way more than I thought I would and it has some cute kids in it.

A New York Christmas Wedding (2020): I...am at a loss for words to describe this...motion picture. On the surface it is a cute idea: a young Black woman, Jennifer, is getting married to her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, but she’s given a chance by her guardian angel (stay with me) to go back in time and redo her life, after losing touch with her childhood best friend, Gabrielle, who she was always in love with but never confessed her feelings to. She wakes up in an alternate timeline, where she and Gabrielle have been together for years and her beloved father is still alive. Then the movie, uh...veers off into some very odd places! They go to their Catholic priest and ask him to marry them, and he is like “but the Bible” and they are like “but that’s bullshit” and he’s like “shrug” and then later during a sermon he’s like “actually that IS bullshit, everyone gay in this church come stand up here with me. We love you. Also we’re going to perform a wedding now” and then he marries Jennifer and Gabrielle. And then Jennifer’s angel shows up and is like “you have to choose between this life and your old life now” and then uh...I really hate to spoil this next thing. It is the weirdest choice I’ve ever seen a movie make and if you’re even the slightest bit interested in this movie, I think you should experience this plot point for yourself. I’m going to put the batshit spoiler in ROT13 in case you want to avoid spoiling yourself. (GJ: fhvpvqr) Wraavsre'f thneqvna natry erirnyf gung ur vf gur fba bs Tnoevryyr, jub va gur bevtvany gvzryvar tbg certanag nf n grra naq ure snzvyl frag ure gb n ahaarel. Fur zvfpneevrq naq fhofrdhragyl qvrq ol fhvpvqr. Uvf anzr vf Nmenry Tnovfba. Anyway, uh, this movie isn’t very good, unfortunately, the adult leads have no chemistry and Gabrielle’s adult self is actively unlikable (the teen versions of them are cute!), but I think it’s 1000% worth a watch for the sheer chaos of it all. I...recommend it for that, I guess? Oh, also there’s a sex scene that plays a slow sexy version of “O Christmas Tree” in the background and I felt like I was losing my mind. 

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018): As I said in my commentary on the third movie in this series, the worst sin this movie commits is being kind of boring. It also manages to make the romantic hero, Richard, even worse than in the first movie, where he was just kind of useless and petulant, because in this movie he is actively failing to do anything to revive the failing economy of his country. I have seen people complain that the prince in The Princess Switch and Cole in The Knight Before Christmas have no personalities; they are delightful compared to the wet paper bag of a man in this movie. Rose McIver is adorable and I don’t think any of this is her fault, she’s doing her best in these movies, but woof.

12 Pups of Christmas (2019): The Google summary of this movie, which we found on Hulu, is this: “Struggling to keep his dog GPS locator company afloat, Martin expects his new hire, Erin, to help him save the company and find homes for 12 puppies that were left behind after a photo shoot. As they work together, Erin and Martin begin to discover each other's positive qualities and find love just in time for the holidays.” My wife and I love dogs, so we put this on, expecting cute dogs. This movie contains approximately 80% chaos and 20% cute dogs. It opens with our heroine, a canine therapist, coming home from work to have dinner with her fiance and best friend. We find out that Erin and fiance are moving to California soon for her new job (they live in New York). Fast forward a few days to their courthouse wedding, at which point her fiance and best friend confess to having an affair, and she is dumped. Heartbroken, she moves to California alone, and ends up moving into the company-provided house. It is just a two-story house (??) that the CEO’s sister owns (???) and rents out to employees (????). Also Erin is, as the Google summary says, expected to come up with some grand idea to save the company. And there are 12 random puppies also. They are cute puppies. Oh, also Martin, the CEO of the dog collar company, hates dogs for some reason. Martin’s sister is aggressively friendly towards Erin in a way that I interpreted as sapphic. At one point, after they find a home for dog #3, Erin’s former BFF shows up on her doorstep (?????) begging to be let in. She insists that the fiance was also two-timing her, and she has proof that he had FIVE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY - “that’s why he’s a traveling businessman”!!!! Erin never asks to see her proof, but I guess she believes her, because she lets her inside and then makes her take care of the remaining eight dogs out of spite. I guess they make up at some point. Anyway, somewhere in here Erin and Martin are starting to fall in love and also come up with a way to rebrand the business, so hooray for them. We also learn that the reason Martin hates dogs is that his beloved childhood dog, uh, ran away? Disappeared? Got eaten? He insists that “not knowing [what happened to him] was the worst part,” but I was out here expecting to see the child finding an actual dead dog like it’s John Wick or something so this was a little anticlimactic. They go on a business trip to New York talk with Important Japanese Investors, during which they fuck (it is? romantic? allegedly?), and then the morning of their meeting Erin’s shitty ex shows up in the hotel lobby to bother her. Martin decks him square in the face for not leaving her alone, and then someone calls the cops, because I guess this movie said ACAB, and both dudes get arrested and Erin has to do the presentation alone. And then in the last five minutes Martin gets out of jail and Erin says that she gave the presentation to the investors...in English, and their translator was twenty minutes late, and so the investors understood none of what she said. Thankfully we are spared actually seeing this “joke,” but they do play racist music over her explanation. Then Martin reconnects with his rich dad who bails out the company instead, and also he adopts the four remaining dogs. This movie was fucking bananas and very bad and I need more people to understand exactly how bad. Watch this movie.

A Nutcracker Christmas (2016): Amy Acker has two Christmas movies and this one seemed more palatable than Dear Santa, so here we are. I like to watch Amy Acker be cute and dance, and she has an adorable teenage niece in this movie that she’s helped raise. In this movie she’s a former ballet dancer whose sister (hilariously, one of the Wynonna Earp lesbians) died in a tragic car accident, and she never got to dance the part of the Sugarplum Fairy. Spoiler alert: she gets to by the end of the movie. Unfortunately the love interest is basically Satan incarnate and does not deserve her at all, so unless you like yelling at romantic leads I can’t really recommend it. 

Godmothered (2020): This movie is just, uh, Enchanted but worse, and also it should have been sapphic and it isn’t? Poor Jillian Bell is doing her best and is adorable, but it’s not enough to save this movie for me. If Disney were not cowards she would have fallen in love with single mom Isla Fisher. Oh, it also ends with the very white younger daughter doing a public cover of “Rise Up” by Andra Day that the audience joins in on, which, considering its use in the BLM movement the last couple years, felt, uh, not great to me.

A Christmas Prince (2017): It’s maybe not far to compare this to the rest of the Netflix Christmas Cinematic Universe, because it was the originator. But also, it’s pretty boring. Sorry. Simon, or Fiddles (Fake Hiddles/Tom Hiddleston) is the best character.

Married by Christmas (2016): Apparently an alternate title for this is The Engagement Clause, which is sort of funny. Anyway, this has Jes Macallan and we, being big fans of Legends of Tomorrow, lost our shit when we found this on Christmas Day and had to watch it. The plot is that Jes’ character runs the family business, but their shitty grandma died and left a clause in her will where the business goes to the husband of whichever granddaughter gets married first. You would think that Jes’ sister and her fiance would postpone their Christmas Eve wedding to give Jes time to set up some kind of platonic wedding for business purposes, since Jes’ entire life is this stupid business, but nope, they immediately turn into monsters who are determined to get their hands on the business for ???? reasons???? It’s not very good, as you can tell by how low it is on the list. Jes Macallan is not a convincing straight businesswoman. I wouldn’t even really enjoy this movie as an Avalance AU.

A Princess for Christmas (2011): Here we are, the worst one Christmas movie I watched this year. I don’t actively harbor any ill will towards Katie McGrath, although I confess to feeling a bit “her?” but it’s fine. I was hoping this movie would enlighten me to her appeal. Instead, this movie actively got on my nerves in multiple ways, including trying to pass Katie McGrath off as a normal American retail worker instead of an Irish vampire/sorceress/supervillain/fairy/whatever she is. Her accent is shockingly awful, which I’m not sure is actually her fault, is there a reason her family wasn’t just British? That wouldn’t have saved the movie but it would have made it just slightly more palatable. At every turn it makes the worst choices, including a scene where Katie’s character puts on a rap song and she and the prince dance to it in an attempt to show them “loosening up,” and then the mean grandfather comes in and demands that they “turn this ghetto music off.” YIKES. I know these movies are the whitest movies ever by design but was that racism necessary? The only Black people I actually saw in this movie were some of the servants, I think? Speaking of the servants, at the end of the movie there’s a grand ball and Katie’s dress gets fucked up, and she’s about to leave the country, and then the servants are like “don’t go! We pooled our money to buy you another nice dress!” which, also yikes! This movie has a real classism problem. It also was so boring I zoned out of it multiple times, and I have sat through Manos: The Hands of Fate and Birdemic multiple times. This movie has no chaos whatsoever and I hated all the characters. 0/10 do not recommend under any circumstances.

[narrysgolden]

I can’t for the life of me find if I posted chapter 1 on this blog but it’s on my second blog so excuse. Here finally after like more than a year I have chapter 2 of the amnesia fic! Apologies that it’s short (I wrote most of it a year ago) and I know nothing about the medical field. P.s. I’m not a writer so sorry if my grammar sucks 😂

Over Again - Chapter 2

Chapter 1

HARRY

Beep………..beep…………beep………

As a fluttered my eyes open to a distant beeping, I gasped in instant panic only to realize I had tubes assisting my breathing and wires tangled up all across me. My heart rate rose dramatically and I failed at trying to sit up and look around. Everything hurt. Everything was in a daze. My hearing was muffled and vision was blurry, although I could make out two familiar figures to my left.

“Mr Styles”, the voice rang through my head. “You were in a car accident. You’ve been in the ICU at St Thomas’ since last night.”

It all felt like a dream, or really a nightmare. The harsh fluorescent lighting, the overlaying sounds of machines and faint chaos in the background. The unfamiliar man who just spoke words of disbelief. The women on the right who I could finally make out were my Mum and Gemma. I attempted to call out for them, but nothing came out. I couldn’t speak. Was I really dying? Is this my crossover into the unknown? The light just seemed to get brighter and my disorientation was strong.

Suddenly, I seemed to snap out of it, and all I could think about was one thing.

“Where’s Niall?” I finally managed to croak out of my desert dry throat.

The look on everyone’s face was a mix of relief, confusion, and worry as they all turned to look towards the corner of the room. A vaguely familiar boy stepped out from the shadows timidly. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something was just different about him. His face? His hair? His arms? Chest?

“Baby…” I spoke softly with a slight question in tone.

All of a sudden Niall’s face dropped. He turned white as a ghost, stopped in his tracks, and bolted for the door. Okay this was definitely a dream. Why was Niall acting so weird? Why did he look so off? I looked around best I could, studied this foreign body that was seemingly mine, all stitched, strapped, and wired up. My left leg was in a cast, slung up so it hung above the bed a little. My chest was wrapped up tightly, feeling like it was contributing to my loss of breath. And I could feel gauze shifting along my forehead as I moved my eyes around the room.

The room started spinning as my heartrate picked up again, feeling uneasy and only wanting Niall to come hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay.

“I feel sick” I mumbled, closing my eyes and leaning back into the stiff hospital pillow.

“Go check on Niall, I’ll watch over him.” I heard my Mum say to Gemma.

NIALL

I sped down the hospital corridor until I reached a dead end emergency exit, threw myself against the wall, and sunk to the floor. Curling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around tightly, I took in one deep breath after another in an attempt to stop hyperventilating.

It was all too much. Just seeing Harry for the first time in years was enough, the fact that he could’ve been on his deathbed was another thing, but for him to say those words, as if nothing had ever happened between them, was on another level of cruel. I was finally moved on with my life, happy for once, so I thought.

I lifted my head just enough to noticed Gemma coming down the hall in a rush to see if I was alright. “Oh Niall, come here”, she said, kneeling down to put her arms around me comfortingly. “Are you alright? You gave us all a right scare in there.”

“Did you not hear him Gem? What does he think he’s doing? Asking for me immediately, calling me…..that….. He’s insane!”

“Niall, honey, he was just in a major accident, head trauma and all that. It’s not too far off for him to be missing you in a situation like this.” She spoke softly, trying to reassure me it meant nothing, but we both knew that wasn’t the case.

“Do you think….” My voice trailed off as the worst possible scenario….was it really the worst? Potentially, yeah, the worst possible scenario flooded through my mind. Was Harry experiencing some sort of amnesia and thinking that we were still together? There’s no way…

I could see Gemma was reading my face and beginning to pick up on my theory. “The doctor did say temporary amnesia was common is head trauma patients.”

After another 15 minutes of sitting in the cold dim hallway in contemplation, Anne poked her head out the doorframe and motioned for us to make our way back to the room. Gemma turned to look at me with an unspoken “are you gonna be okay?”. I nodded softly and pushed myself up off the floor as if I was using the last bit of energy I had saved up. We made our way back to the room to find Harry was drifting off to sleep.

The doctor pulled all three of us aside and brought his voice down low to make sure Harry couldn’t hear. Anne and the doctor lookd back and forth at each other as if they were reading each others minds before looking back to me and Gemma.

“So, Harry believes that it is 2015. Signaling to use that he is experiencing amnesia with this head trauma of his. Now, because this is a full 3 year gap in memory, we don’t take this lightly. With amnesia patients we have to take things slowly in order to not overwhelm them and confuse them more. We don’t want any more stress on the boy than he already has. For the time being, go along with what he thinks, what he has to say, to an extent of course. We must bring him around slowly when he is in a stable place of healing.”

Yep I was right. 2015. Harry thinks we are still together. Harry thinks that One Direction is still together…. Oh God, his hair. MY hair. Does he even know he lives part time in LA now? And all his new tattoos. I don’t even know what he’s got inked all over his body anymore.

Not even seconds after the doctor finished speaking, a tall blonde woman ran into the room yelling “Where is he? Is he okay?”

Camille. Shit.

Anne grabbed her immediately and spun her around back out of the room, hopefully explaining in detail about Harry’s condition and how he probably doesn’t know who she is. Yikes. Thank god Harry was asleep when she barged in.

As Anne was taking care of the girlfriend situation, I turned back to Harry. He seemed so small in that hospital bed. Almost unrecognizable with the mounds of gauze, tangles of wires, and rough red patches all over his bruised skin. I got tunnel vision again, only being able to lock my eyes on him, sleeping not so soundly in the sterile room.

I walked over to him quietly, trying not to disturb him too much. Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, I studied his features, ones that seemed to be unfamiliar to me. His curly brown locks, now short and matted down underneath his bandage, still looked soft and as beautiful as I remembered. He was now growing facial hair, something I hadn’t pictured Harry with before, although it suited the chiseled features of his face better than expected. I noticed some scribbled ink on his unbandaged knee, but was unable to make out the word.

Harry started to make mumbled sounds in his sleep, his arm twitching and body moving as if he were stuck in a nightmare. Without thinking, my instincts reached my hand out to touch his, noticing black chipped polish adorning his delicate fingernails. I rubbed circles on the back of his hand with my thumb in an attempt to soothe his terrified mind.

“Harry” I spoke softly. He was still tossing and turning, strain seen on his face, getting antsier by the second. I needed to get him out of his own head. My heart raced with every moment that went by, more concerned than I was before. I grabbed his shoulder carefully, speaking to him more directly now. “Harry. Harry, look at me.”

His eyes darted open with a gasp, tears stinging his under eyes as he looked at me with so much pain on his face.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

HARRY

I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew I was crying. And to open my eyes and see Niall inches in front of me, calloused hand on my shoulder, telling me it’s going to be alright, had me crying that much more. All I wanted was to give him the biggest hug of my life, but I couldn’t move, not enough.

He could tell that I was freaking out and continued to console me until my breathing regulated, my eyes dried up, and a smile actually crept on my face.

It was almost 4pm now. My Mum had disappeared at one point, Gemma saying she had to run home for a bit. Gemma did the same about an hour ago, so it was just Niall and I now. Niall sat to my left, scrolling through his phone, looking frustrated at messages he was receiving, hoping they would stop.

“Everything alright babe?” I asked. His face scrunched up as if in pain and he took a deep breath before looking up to me. “Yeah, fine.”

I laid my head back on the bed, thoughts spinning through my head, still trying to wrap my head around this accident I had no memory of. I looked down to where the IV was placed delicately in the crook of my arm, surrounded by familiar ink. The heart on my bicep, the holy bible on my forearm, the dainty A, and....what does that say....latelate? Why don’t I remember that being there? When did I get that?

I tried to reach over with my right hand to graze across the unfamiliar ink, but couldn’t reach from being practically tied to the bed with so many wires.

Niall noticed my struggle. “What’s up?” He looked to me quizzically.

“.....Late Late?” I whispered out. I could tell he could see the confusion on my face. And with my response, equal confusion appeared on Niall’s.

It took him a second to form his thoughts before busting out a laugh that seemed a little off. “You don’t remember that bet you lost with James? Serves you right you were piss drunk.”

That still didn’t really make sense to me. Even being blackout drunk, surely I would’ve remembered someone telling me the story the next day. But I didn’t have the brain power to question it any further. “Oh, ha, yeah right” I half heartedly chuckled before closing my eyes and sighing.

With every ounce of me wanting nothing more than for this all to be over and get back to my life, my life is all I could think about. Oh god the band. Do they know about my accident? I should call them, no, I’m sure Niall did. FUCK we have so much promo to do. We JUST released drag me down. Who knows when the hell I’m even getting out of this hospital room. And tour....shit. I know we talked about not having a tour this time but....now that’s really not happening. The absolute stress this is going to put on everyone....

I must’ve looked distressed as I feel Niall’s warm hand reach over to my shoulder, rubbing in soothing circles. “Hey” he spoke softly, “we’ll figure it all out”. Niall could always read my mind. No matter what it was, we were on the same wavelength. I cracked open my eyes again to see the blon...brunette? boy staring up at me, another thing my damaged brain couldn’t wrap my head around.

I reached my still constrained arm up to grab the dark locks. Niall instinctively leaned in to close the distance. My cool, stiff fingers fell into the chocolate locks that felt soft and clean, not dry and broken like it used to. “Your hair...” I whispered.

Niall pulled my hand down, kissed it softly and shook his head with chuckle. “Go back to sleep, Harry.”

[kathyprior4200]

BML Livestream Reaction 6/9/2020

To my lovely H.H. viewers, listeners, readers:

Wow! The livestream today on Ashley's channel was incredible. The fandom raised more than 60,000 dollars for the Black Lives Matter charity. (I was one of the unnoticed ones who donated). I'm just as amazed as the show staff at the sheer generosity and talent of this fandom. There were a lot of hilarious moments and very good improvs as well. (ex. Bosco saying in Alastor's voice: "I'm an unstoppable death machine!" And all the "Oh Ashley," running gags.

Onto theories and clip reveals:

There appear to be at least five episodes for Helluva Boss (maybe) and perhaps for Hazbin Hotel as well. When would episode 12 + come out? 2027? I'll happily wait if I can live and last that long.

The first clip revealed showed Blitzo taking to Loona, him saying "have a treat" and then eating the biscuit. Millie appears to be there with Moxxie, drawing a pentagram symbol on a wall. Perhaps a gateway to the human world?

Blitzo (yells at a shy imp): "You set fire to my fucking office in front of a goddamn client you dipshit, now someone please tell me that hocus pocus book is still intact?"

Loona (holding the Satanic book): "Our only ticket to the living world? Grabbed it."

Blitzo: "That's why you're my favorite, Loony! You get a treat."

Loona: "Ew. Stop."

Blitzo eats a treat with a happy look on his face. An imp in a dress stands in the background. Millie draws a pentagram on the wall.

Blitzo (to Loona) "Oh stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist. Now lets get to it, gang!"

They prepare to enter Earth.

Second clip: We are introduced to Loo-Loo Land, an apple-themed circus/amusement park. Loo-Loo is another term for sh*t or bathrooms, so a fitting name for one in Hell. Loo-Loo is a large creepy apple mascot who appears overly cheerful toward the imps and presumably Octavia, who's not impressed. Stolas then takes Blitzo to the rides. He can be seen in a themed outfit, with an apple on his shirt, sorts, and a balloon in his hand. Lucifer has a bar/land called Loo-Loo Land that the theme park is a bad spinoff of it.

Millie (both wear glasses): (Moxxie) "Come on, it's fun! You've never been here?" Moxxie: "No. Theme parks always disturb me. Especially (shakes) the mascots."

A creepy mascot dressed as a red apple appears behind them. He's a red apple with a missing tooth in a wide grin of teeth and one of the eyes hanging from string.

Loo-Loo (in a southern accent) "Well, hey there!"

Millie and Moxxie scream.

Loo-Loo: "I'm Loo-Loo! Welcome to Loo-Loo land!"

Stolas talks to his daughter Octavia by a dinosaur carousel.

Stolas: "Look, Via, it's Loo-Loo!"

Octavia is not impressed with the childish theme park and the lack of more modern rides and features.

Octavia (British accent): "I have a question."

Loo-Loo: Well ask away, little girlie! (Goofy laugh)"

Octavia: "Is it true that this theme park is really a shameless spin-off of Lucifer's more popular Loo-Loo World?" (Disneyland vs Disneyworld)

Loo-Loo: No."

Octavia: "This place reeks of insecure corporate shame."

Stolas: "Why don't we go check out the rides."

Third clip showed what appears to be a rival company to Immediate Murder Professionals. It's called CHERUB, consisting of flying singing sheep with halos and angel wings. It can be assumed that they come from Heaven. Do they save lives (like the alternate E.L.F. in Heavenuva Boss) or do they grant miracles while scamming people? One things for sure, they are super cute. Hmm...maybe they are part of brainwashed sheep who want to spread Heaven's culture so others can mindlessly follow it? Or maybe just as a way to bring down I.M.P. to prove that they can be the best demon killers around? Blitzo blows up a TV in frustration. Now I.M.P. has to find a way to save their company and stop their rivals.

Based on the song, they save people's lives on Earth! (Guess what Hazbins: I thought of the AU E.L.F. characters before this was cool!)

If there is a rival company in Heaven to I.M.P. in Hell, it can only mean one thing: a (Haven) hotel in Heaven may also exist. (Except it would be used to give angels freedom to cause trouble and sin/to be themselves in defiance to the strict rules.)

The sheep angels save people from a car accident, and lift up a rock from a crushed person. They do the work for free, as one of them denies money. With I.M.P. killing humans and C.H.E.R.U.B. saving people, it brings the world in balance. (Though poor sheep: too many people are dying from Covid 19.) Both of them do their part to influence the living world (strangely enough, the Hazbin Earth humans seem accepting of the random creatures who arrive and then leave.

C.H.E.R.U.B. saves people so they have a chance to go to Heaven. I.M.P. kills people for money so the humans wind up in Hell.

Christ's Heavenly Efficient Revivers Under Bless

Christ's Healing Employees Revive Unlimited Bodies

Creators Host Efficient Revival Under Belief

Creating Happy Earth Routines U Believe

Sheep/faun one female: "Luckily for you..."

Sheep two male: "There is something we can do..."

Both: "We can help you feel alive, so you can save some time!(waste and drive?)" (two sheep stand beside a baby angel and all smile)

"Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B., we can save your honey butt from dying violently. " C.H.E.R.U.B. (R mark) "We never even ask a fee." "Because good people spread the love, "And we're here for all above. "We do the paperwork for you "And the heavy lifting too." (Female sheep is shown exhausted in a pile of paperwork and later shown lifting a boulder from a man.) Both sheep witness a dying man from a car accident and wipe the scene away. "So sit back and let us bless a soul... for you." (all three sing). "Oh we, are the C.H..."

Blitzo blows up the TV in anger.

Random names: The cherub is Blitzo's opposite, Millie and the female sheep and Moxxie and the male sheep.

Blitzo's name is German for lightning. Moxxie means aggressive energy. Millie means mild strength/industrious

Donner= German for thunder Jalen= peace Ardel = industrious

Theories based on the song: 1. Heaven has animal-like Zoophobia characters like Hell 2. C.H.E.R.U.B. saves lives while I.M.P. kills them, thus keeping the world in balance. 3. The cherub leader would be Blitzo's rival. Male sheep vs Moxxie, female sheep vs Millie 4. If I.M.P. had their way, everyone would be dead. If C.H.E.R.U.B. had their way, the earth would be overpopulated. 5. C.H.E.R.U.B. have access to Heaven and Earth. They probably use the Bible to access the living world. 6. C.H.E.R.U.B. would save anyone, even criminals. 7. C.H.E.R.U.B. might have another Loona counterpart. 8. Could I.M.P. and C.H.E.R.U.B. have access to all three realms?

Clip number four: Blitzo and Stolas talk in bed. Stolas goes under the covers and stares seductively at him. He gets the idea to take Blitzo to a Harvest Festival with him as a bodyguard. Blitzo gets suspicious, claiming he won't go if Stolas uses him for sex and his purposes. Soon, Blitzo decides to come along. Stolas then says "sorry about you leaving behind your clients," while Blitzo retorts "Oh fuck my clients!" Best line. Stolas' wife will not be happy when she hears of Stolas and Blitzo's relationship.

Stolas (smokes a cigarette): " It's shocking to it to be seen, Blitzy. My grimoire is incredibly vital. And it isn't supposed to be let out by little imps like yourself." He puts out his cigarette on Blitzo's horns and pinched his cheek. Blitzo sighs and shoves him off. Both appear to be topless.

Stolas: "The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion. It's been my annual duty to celebrate it in the Ring of Wrath. It's a charming little festival with games and music..."

Blitzo: "A wrath ring, huh? My employees are from there. Haven't really been, but it sounds like a place of imprints."

Stolas: "Oh! Why don't you all accompany me to the festival as our special guests?! I'll give you all... (goes under the covers and lies near Blitzo's privates. "...special access." (chuckles)

Blitzo: "Look I told you, we're not bodyguards, alright? It was a one time thing we did and guess what? We did it badly!"

Stolas stands up with the cover over his head.

Stolas: "I'm simply offering a fun work-free day of fun! I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. I go every year. Nothing has changed."

Blitzo: "Okay, look if you promise this is not some fuck-fest invite... it does sound like it could be fun. Alright, I'll run it by the others. It sounds like we can work without the book anyway."

Stolas: "I do hope to see you there. I'm sorry your clients will have to wait."

Blitzo: (waves his hand) "Oh fuck my clients!"

We are introduced to new characters: Loo-Loo the creepy apple mascot, the shy imp, owl princess Octavia, "Melodia" the queen, the CHERUB sheep and Robo-Fizz, a robotic jester demon colored black, yellow, white, and light pink-red. It can be assumed that he is red and black and dangerous in his true form. Could Hell's circus be one big conspiracy? Anything is possible in the inferno.

Thank you to all who supported Vivzie's charity and those who continue to show their love for the show and concern for what's going on in the world. Protests, Police, Pandemic, Personal Rights. I donated earlier and I do all I can to keep the fandom together, trying to tapper down the "shipping wars." I don't feel like a hero at all, but I feel good that I'm showing support.

My work is unknown in comparison to all the marvelous Charlastor fanfictions out there:

MuseValentine's "Smiling Man" Angelus19's "Taxidermist"

and many more.

Please don't forget to show support to Hazbin Madness and Radio Hazbin on YouTube. Some people may disagree with me on this, but I think those two voice actors and comic dubbers have better potential than Markapiler and JackdaSepticeye. Yes, the latter two may be famous and well-known, but in my opinion, only HalusaTwin and InSaiyans capture the uncasted Lucifer and Lilith so well. A king and queen of the fandom.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVkr2V_Y-sIzBH01AbPcufw

But don't fret. This fandom has given me ideas that keep skyrocketing through my head and into the world. I've made fanfictions since 2014 and have only made more after being exposed to DBZ and H.H. My long projects seem to take months to update but as long as I'm alive, inspired and have free time, I won't cease doing what I love. Indeed, Viv's words inspired me toward the end of the stream. She said to a person who donated a lot and the viewers to share their creativity with the world, as it can inspire others. Vivziepop is a role model for me, as are so many of my friends/content creators (artist Ady Laine, theorist BlueRaven666, musician Ashboyo, my close friend Sumera Paleema (DBZ artist) and many others.

Very soon, I'll be expanding upon my rewrites/remixes of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss. Indeed, the future episodes may be closer than we think!

Stay safe out there and treat each other well.

-Kathy Prior 42

[i-want-anne-hathaway]

We Are the Tigers time. Funnnnnnn

Okay, in all seriousness, I still do love this show, but holy shit.

This is going to be an unpopular opinions dump because I can.

Riley is a good character. In fact, she’s a great characters. The fandom just doesn’t know how to pay attention to anybody other than Kate to view Riley as anything but like... demon spawn.

Kate is just as insecure and anxiety ridden as everybody else, and of everybody, probably gives the most shits.

Cairo has more chemistry with everybody than Kate and Eva do

Kate being paranoid in Skype Tomorrow does not mean that Chess would actually leave her. Y’all just project onto Kate a lot.

Kaitlyn Frank and Lauren Zakrin harmonizing to Skype Tomorrow though.

Skype Tomorrow was my favorite song the first time I listened to it, and after that it was nowhere near the top. Because I too am mean, gay, and have trust issues. And then I realized that in comparison to the other songs, I don’t like Skype Tomorrow.

Before The Breakdown is top tier, but I also love Chess, so maybe I’m a bit biased.

Like, the harmonies in BTB are so good, and I play it on loop sometimes because it gets me in the Feels™️

We shouldn’t be erasing any of the characters negative traits. Cairo’s still doesn’t work for much, doesn’t take things seriously, and is really carefree. Write the characters as they are in the show.

If you write about Clark, acknowledge that he has more traits than being a sweetheart. Like, there’s so much you can do with his character because there’s nothing there.

Listening to Forever makes me think of something really stupid that Maya said, and I will now be exposing her. “What if we read the first five books of the Bible together... and we were both girls.... just kidding just kidding.”

Clark 🤝 Adam 🤝 Francis

Outrageous requests from their girlfriend at the worst possible time

The clap that Reese does in Cairo’s face during CotT is iconic.

CotT lowkey sounds like California Gurls by Katy Perry if you listen hard enough. Like, at the pre-chorus or whatever.

WATT has this terrible transition thing down. We will go from addictions to horny teenagers.

Wallflower has potential to be heartbreaking, but the backing track hides how sad it is.

Cairo was in the wrong during the scene starting Wallflower. Did they both cross a line? Yes. It could’ve been avoided if Cairo didn’t start the argument

I replay Wallflower so that I can aggressively and terribly sing both parts.

Defense is so much better when you have the dialogue in between it.

Also, I know the Defense choreo just from watching it so many times. I wasn’t even trying to learn, I just know it.

WONU’S RUNS, UGH, SHE’S SO AMAZING.

Mattie is so precious, and I love her.

With that being said, she’s not five. She literally cursed in the show, and after Juvie she probably curses the most. She doesn’t need protection because she went through a lot

I haven’t watched Over the Moon because one of my friends, who’s Chinese, said that she didn’t like how it was done, and I’ve been putting it off ever since.

Phoenix is an underrated bop. Like, it’s so good, and we should talk about it. I mean it had to grow on me, but it’s really good.

If you can listen to Phoenix without thinking of the Elmo meme, you’re lying.

The ghosts’ part in Move On is sadder than Kate and Annleigh’s part and I stand by that.

I prefer High School Experience to SUAC mainly because I think High School Experience gives Eva more personality.

Speaking of Eva’s personality, she doesn’t fucking have one. Like, she’s not a fleshed out character, and the fandom does do it either so we’re stuck with Eva Sanchez, Kate’s Girlfriend. It’s unfortunate because like Clark, there’s potential in her character.

I also know the SUAC choreo, but I actively tried to learn that.

TIME-OUT, TEAM!

I love that in IDK, Cairo just starts off by roasting Farrah. Iconic.

The Cairo-Annleigh tension is so high all the time. Like, the tension.

Cairo and Kate is a great ship, y’all are just cowards.

And now time for my favorite song, The Breakdown. It’s really just because Riley is my favorite character, but like it’s still good regardless of my bias.

The Breakdown gets me so hype. I’m ready to fight somebody after hearing The Breakdown.

Nobody:

Me, listening to Victory: *crying* IT’S ABOUT THE FOUND FAMILY

One last unpopular opinion before I go. I do genuinely think that Kate and Eva would break up after maybe their Freshmen year of college.

Final Verdict: This musical is really great, and while I’m glad to see it get more recognition, I do think that there are a lot of problems that still need to be addressed in the fandom

Next, we have Waitress, which is a top tier musical.

[possessedartist]

Okay Castlevania Season 3 Thoughts

I’ve been watching it on/off for the past four days since I got busy at points but I just finished it about a hour ago.

(seems like everyone is either shitting on it or liked it lol)

Okay so, it was a fun season as someone who’s played (about half??? ish?????) of the series’ games. There’s a ton of easter eggs and nods, particularly the biggest ones being The Infinite Corridor (of Curse of Darkness fame) and Legion (I’ve only battled them in two games, one being SOTN). I didn’t realize it was Legion until they all started flying up in the air though lol. I’m very much glad that they weren’t all naked though dodndodn. Also the monsters!!! Very good!!!! I loved the Cthulhu one and they even included some of his in game attacks AND THE ANGELS UGHHHHH THEY WERE SO COOL AND THEY HAD THE GAME MUSIC PLAYING TOO

anyways I digress

Okay so plot line wise! I think Issac and Trevor/Sypha’s plotlines were the strongest imo. Just mostly because they both had the most screentime out of the four plotlines.

I don’t think either Alucard’s or Hector’s plotlines were particularly weak (or as weak as people are making them out to be). I think the problem is that since this is a twenty minute episode show, most of the build up shown in their plotlines won’t really pay off until the next season.

Hector is most likely going to go through his Curse of Darkness arc next season, likely whenever Issac launches his assault on the castle- and him being manipulated is the beginning of his arc. He basically realizes at the end of s3 that “Hey, I’m being way too trusting because every single time I place my trust in someone- I get used in the end so I should stop.” And so I think Issac might end up helping Hector unknowingly or unwillingly whenever he reachs Carmilla’s castle but that remains to be seen.

Alucard wise- yeah that sucked but it was needed (though I won’t necessarily agree it should’ve been in that way). I think it’s the beginning of his arc toward the SOTN and later games. The only humans he’s ever known was his mother and Sypha and Trevor and it’s here I’d like to draw a interesting parallel to Sypha and Alucard this season. Both by the end have their expectations betrayed because both unrealistically believe that monsters are bad and humans can never stoop down so low- and are proven very much otherwise by the end of their arcs. Between Castlevania III and SOTN, Alucard is said to have been sleeping the entire time. By SOTN, the only reason he wakes is because something happened in Dracula’s castle. If these are the events that lead up to him putting himself to rest for over a hundred years, I don’t blame the dude.

I’d like to also point to a post I saw earlier drawing parallels between Jesus and Alucard. There’s way too many parallels between them to not say there’s no connection, and that whole post is a good read for anyone interested in it (here’s the link). Anyways, the post points out as of right now, we’re at the point where Jesus is betrayed by his own disciple, Judas gives him the kiss of betrayal, and then Jesus is crucified. Likewise, we have Alucard being betrayed by his own students/disciples, he’s given a kiss of betrayal, and then crucified in literally the same position Jesus was. What happens next in the Bible is Jesus being placed in a tomb (assumed to be dead) and he ‘rests’ for three days and then rises and washes humanity of their sins (very much a brief bad retelling of the Bible but anyways). What’d make the most logical sense is that in Season 4, Alucard lays down to rest only to wake up at the events of Rondo of Blood/SOTN, and then ‘save humanity’ or in this case, Richter- the descendant of the one and only Trevor Belmont- thereby finishing the ‘Jesus Arc.’ While I don’t agree too much on how Ellis went about it, I can see how and why he set up Alucard’s storyline like he did- and it’d be unfair to say that I didn’t see it coming. There’s some really off lines they say at the beginning of the season which already made suspicious of those two, so it’s not exactly like it came out of nowhere- especially given their backstory (though they took it to a extreme I wouldn’t have thought they would).

Other characters wise, god I should’ve seen it coming but I’m sad about the judge character (anyone who follows me knows how into AA I am currently). He seemed so nice, but I realized that was over as soon as he told the monk dude to go to the apple tree because I was like “there’s no way there isn’t a trap for him there.” And then when they showed him falling into the pit, I was like WHELP THAT KID FROM EARLIER IS DEAD. Ugh I hate he’s a serial killer (and may have done more? Don’t want to think about it) and he collects their shoes uGHHH COOL BUT I WISH I KNEW EARLIER I WAS LEGIT GOING TO DRAW THE DUDE BUT IM NOT SURE NOW.

St. Germain was so cool! I loved seeing him (and even more nods to curse of darkness ughhh) and while he wasn’t a time traveller (at least not yet), he was such a treat to watch on screen. I’m very interested to see how he’ll act if he pops up later into the shows timeline, overall he was just a joy to watch on screen interacting with the other characters and I loved watching him talking about snorting mysterious drugs and waking up weeks later not knowing wth happening and of course, the toilet paper.

(Also the lesbian vampires DO own my heart thank you very much)

Anyways!! I didn’t think the season was bad! Still much better than any other plotlines I’ve seen most tv series try to do, so I refuse to say it’s bad writing (at least all of it). I couldn’t tell in Season 2 how this was going to link to any of the later games but I think with the end of Season 3, I’m starting to see how it’s linking together- at least in the way I’m thinking it’ll be. It’s very interesting watching this unfold as someone who’s been playing the games and watching other people losing it especially if they’re unaware of the events of rondo/sotn/ and the games with reincarnated dracula and alucard except now he’s decided to be a secret agent (which I haven’t gotten very far in). I won’t say people are being unfair in saying this was bad, because there are points where I was definitely un-invested, particularly during Alucard’s segments- which I think definitely needed more length and more time dedicated into making the story a lot better than it was- but I do believe despite some of the cons of this season- there was some pros as well.

EDIT: I’d like to also add I don’t think this is the end of St. Germain! If they decide to keep his timetraveling, although Issac and Hector’s roles are basically reversed as of rn, he comes in Curse of Darkness to stop the two from killing eachother so that could also potentially happen in a season 4. Just my thoughts and theories though lol