#and that's an insanely harmful thing to say to someone who was you know... 14 and trying to find a community within high school

[coulsonlives]

I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.

[sadaveniren]

Sometimes the homophobia inside the house is so much stronger than outside. And that's just... I don't know what to say.

Oh, and if you ask why I'm saying this, well. The community kind of made me stay in the closet, because I was not a gay or a lesbian and therefore not welcome into the community. And of course not that welcome to the outside world for that matter. Yeah

For sureeeee. I'm so sorry the community is for everyone and some people truly don't understand how excluding groups of queer people from their own community is so damaging ❤️ The infighting within our own community is so damaging and harmful to queer people who don't fit into what some perceive as "acceptable" and "family friendly" BUT it is also not welcoming to people who aren't in the LG(sometimes B and maybe just maybe T) area and this isn't even beginning to touch on people who don't fall under the label of "white" within the community and how they identify/present themselves.

[youunravelme]

slowly, then all at once

author's note: i'm going through some shit and needed to alleviate it with fluff and also it's mat's birthday (or at least it was when i started this)! EDIT: this takes place in an alternative TATGYLB universe bc went an ENTIRELY different direction with this series (because i don't plan well lolol). (stole the title from the fault in our stars because that book had me in a CHOKEHOLD at 14)

pairing: mat barzal x reader

warnings: none? cursing?

summary: the stages of mat falling in love with you

mat saw how you were with ella, the way you'd smile and talk to her like she could hold a conversation. or the way you never chided him or condescended to him when he did something completely stupid.

which is more than what he could say about his teammates.

so when he heard your piece of shit boyfriend screaming at you over the phone? or when he showed up unannounced and trying to "win you back?"

mat was livid.

he was sure jason had never hit you, because if there was any indication of that, mat would be all over it.

so while he's sure jason never inflicted physical harm, he saw the way you kept to yourself and even the way you looked surprised at his invitation to lunch or the game.

it broke his heart a little, to think that you'd never once considered yourself now a part of his life. when, in fact, the second you agreed to watch ella, it was like he'd pulled you into the fold.

he was on a mission to prove it to you.

inviting you to his game was the first step in his original plan.

well.

it was the first non intimidating step. (tito mentioned that maybe meeting his mom and sister after only knowing him for like a week was not the smartest move he'd ever made.)

you still looked out of your element when he asked, but he's positive that it was his own enthusiasm that convinced you to say yes.

and he thought it was a great idea! he got you and jason tickets, thinking that maybe you'd be more comfortable with having him around. and perhaps that was true at some point, but when he saw you, standing with only ella and sydney with water lining your eyes, something in his chest twisted.

you looked shaken, like someone had stuck you in a blender.

"where's jason?" was apparently the wrong thing to ask because sydney changed the subject almost immediately.

you wouldn't even look at him.

and when you told him about your piece of shit boyfriend leaving you?

mat wasn't prepared for the burning in his chest. no one got away with treating a friend of his that way, but seeing as you just avoided the topic altogether, he dropped it.

until you went upstairs to your apartment and didn't text him. tito would say he has a habit of hovering at times and maybe he never really agreed until five minutes passed without a word from you.

if you asked, he would've denied the intense concern growing in his chest. but how else was he supposed to react when you seemed so dissociated the rest of the night?

thankfully, you picked up almost immediately.

"hello?"

mat cleared his throat. "hey, you never texted me to say you got in alright. you okay?”

now it could've only been a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime before he heard your voice.

“keep the car running, i’ll be down in a few minutes.”

mat was ready to grab ella and head upstairs, car be damned.

he couldn't hear what else really happened on the phone, he only knew that you came downstairs, empty handed, and frazzled. the sight alone had him contemplating going into your apartment to figure out exactly what was going on, but he knew the best decision was take you back to his place.

he'd figured it out when jason showed up with his daughter's car seat screaming at you for wearing his clothes. screaming at you like you were somehow in the wrong, like he wasn't the one who cheated on you.

you.

who had to be the most selfless person he knew (don't tell his mom).

you.

who had readily agreed to take care of his daughter on a whim because he was insanely scared.

you.

who was one of the only topic of conversation his mother wanted to discuss. it used to just be hockey and how he was doing. now the thirty minute phone calls turned into hour and a half long facetimes where ella and you are regular topics for discussion.

mat couldn't comprehend how someone could look at you and want to tear you down, but after you officially broke up with jason? he was determined to show you how much you deserved.

exhibit a

"it's five sugars, right?" mat called over his shoulder once he heard your footsteps coming into the kitchen.

you paused in the doorway. "what?"

mat turned around, two mugs of coffee in his hands. "you like five sugars, right?"

ella sat on your hip but didn't seem to give a flying fuck that he was in front of her.

"you--you remembered?" you tilted your head. "you only made me coffee like once?"

mat's face heated up at the implication but smirked anyway. "i have a great memory!"

"could've surprised me from the amount of times you get hit."

mat shrugged, still not completely used to the idea of you watching his games, even if they were just highlights. he held the mug out to you in exchange for ella.

"you wanna come to a game again?" he offered.

you looked at him before breaking eye contact and sipping your coffee. "i don't know if that's the best idea after last time. i don't want to embarrass you again--"

"woah woah woah," mat sat his coffee mug on the island before holding a hand up at you. it didn't sit right with him to see you so ashamed of something someone else did. "what happened at the game was not your fault. it was his, okay? you weren't to blame."

"you weren't even there to see it--"

"and i don't need to, okay? i know you." he meant it. but seeing as the conversation was getting a little too heavy, he changed the subject. "just think about it! and let me know what game you want to go to."

you didn't say anything, but just gave him a small smile and nodded.

he'd count it as a win.

exhibit b

it'd been about four months since you'd started working with mat, three months since you moved in.

not that he was counting.

there were things that were harder with having you around. mainly remembering to wear a shirt when he wakes up in the morning, or to not adjust his junk until he was in the bathroom or his bedroom.

but--

there were many more things that were significantly easier (and better) with you in his life (and apartment).

sleep training ella was easy as hell

keeping an eye on ella who was walking now

the apartment actually smelled nice? not that it smelled bad before, but now it smelled like a home.

and who knew decorative pillows made a difference?

but his favorite thing recently?

grocery shopping.

he was currently pushing ella around in a shopping cart while you scrolled on your phone through the list.

"so what do we need next?" he asked.

"if you'd give me a second, i'd have the answer for you," you snipped.

by now, mat was used to your snide comments, knowing that you were just a bit quippy when you were focused.

"ella, is your nanny being a little cranky?" he joked, ignoring the glare you were shooting his way.

you rolled your eyes and tossed a bag of bread at his head that would've hit its mark had he not had the reflexes that gave him a professional hockey career.

"excuse me?" an older woman spoke up from behind him. "as cute as your little family is, can you move out of the way? you're clogging up the aisle."

mat blinked. time froze. he'd never fully considered the implications of the three of you out in public together. but being the comment of you, him, and ella being a "little family" had his heart stopping in his chest.

"oh of course!" you spoke up and grabbed mat by the arm. the feel of your touch alone had him directing his attention to the physical contact.

he looked at you instead of the woman, watched as you mumbled to ella as you pulled all three of you out of the way. his brain went on overdrive.

god he never wanted you to let go of him ever again. he would give anything to just be able to hold onto you a little longer.

and he must've been thinking for too long because you were snapping your fingers in front of his face?

"mat? you okay? did i lose you there?" you had a cute pinch between your brows and a small frown on your face.

that wouldn't do.

so he smiled and nodded. "sorry, just thinking about something."

you.

exhibit c

you went out for the night with sydney while he hung out with tito and anders. initially, you said you'd look for a sitter to cover you, but mat laughed that suggestion off.

he didn't say it, but you were no longer a nanny to him anymore. and you deserved a night off without the stress of finding a replacement. anders and marty suggested a babysitter that he hired for the night immediately.

"are you sure you don't want me to wait until she gets here? i can help explain ella's routine!" you said.

mat rolled his eyes as he herded you towards the door. "i'll be fine, go have fun!"

you let him gently push you out of the door but turned around and looked at him. "if you need me, text me."

mat smiled. "if you need me, call me."

the babysitter arrived five minutes early which meant mat could spend that time kissing ella's cheeks and reiterating her schedule to the sitter.

he was the last person at the bar, anders and tito were already sitting in a booth, each with a beer in their hands, an extra one on the table for him (he assumed).

"didn't wanna leave ella?" anders asked.

tito scoffed. "more like he didn't wanna leave mama bear." mat rolled his eyes while anders cackled in response.

"shut up, beau."

"ah! but you didn't deny it!"

mat shook his head and took a seat in the leather booth. "what's there to deny? we're roommates and she watches ella all the time. we're friends."

tito made a noise in the back of his throat. "you and i are friends, barzy. you make goo goo eyes at her when you think no one is looking."

"no i don't."

anders piped in. "you nearly ran into me on the ice because you were staring at her wearing your jersey."

"no," he defended. "ella was making a really cute face!"

anders blinked at him before rolling his eyes. "sure, barzy."

mat grumbled under his breath and chugged half his beer.

two hours or so had passed with the three of them talking shit about other teams. anders had hinted at leaving, checking his phone just to make sure grace didn't text him. mat found himself doing the same thing to make sure the babysitter hadn't said anything, or maybe to see if you had.

tito didn't seem to give two shits about his phone. and why would he? he was the only one without kids.

they were in the middle of a conversation about the upcoming devils game when mat's phone started buzzing.

sydney martin.

mat picked up the phone, albeit a bit confused. "hello?"

"mat! hey!" sydney greeted. "are you busy?"

mat glanced at tito and anders whose brows were furrowed. "no, why what's up?" his swore his heart stopped in his chest when she said your name. "is she okay? what's wrong?"

"she's a little drunk and crying and asking for you. i don't know if you're sober enough--"

"i'm sober," he said. "only had one beer." he was already reaching for his keys in his pocket. "what's she crying about?"

sydney sighed through the phone. "we saw jason and her old roommate out at the bar tonight. he made a few comments."

mat's jaw clenched. he forced words out through his teeth. "what did he say?"

"mat--"

"no, if he said some shit, sydney, i need to know."

"no," she corrected. "what you need to do is get over here and take her home."

mat was already standing. "i'm on my way."

sydney hung up.

"everything okay?" anders asked.

"probably something to do with mama bear," tito commented.

mat sighed. "she ran into her piece of shit ex and is now inconsolable. i have to go pick her up."

anders snorted. "right. 'have to.'"

mat ignored the comment and said goodbye, already rushing out of the bar to get to you.

it was another ten minutes before he saw you, standing outside a bar with sydney. he could see your tears from the car.

mat jumped out and hurried towards you. sydney all but pushed you into his arms.

and it felt like the world made sense again. you fit perfectly in his arms, against his chest, head tucked into his neck.

"mat--" you sobbed. "i--i can't--"

he kissed the top of your head. "let's get you home, okay?"

exhibit d

ella was saying actual words now like most babies her age. mat used to look at anders, marty, and other parents a little judgmentally, he'll admit, because while babies learning to do things was incredibly cool, he didn't fully understand the hype.

until she said dada for the first time.

it damn near made him cry.

and like for all of her other milestones, you were there beside him with your phone recording the moment. you almost missed it, but you had a sixth sense for those things, figuring out when ella was going to do something incredible.

that was two weeks ago and it still never got old to hear her say his name when he came home or rounded the corner.

he'd been known as mathew, mat, barzy, barzal, gary, and a slew of other names, but dada had to be his favorite. to belong to someone who needed you so wholly was the best feeling in the world.

that and seeing you smile at him.

he'd accepted it now, there was no denying it, not after half the team was on his case about his feelings for you. and how could he not fall in love with you? you were gentle and kind and handled the shittiest situations with so much grace (he wasn't joking, he'd wanted to fight jason the second you came out of your old apartment looking like you'd seen a ghost).

you handled his friends with ease, never letting tito's teasing affect you. you handled the "mama bear" nickname with ease, even laughing at it at times.

you just made his world so much better just by existing in it.

which is why he gave you the day off while he and tito took ella around the city.

ella was fine for most of the day, though she kept glancing around.

"probably looking for mama bear," tito guessed. "i would be too if you were the one looking after me."

mat flipped him off behind ella's back. "i'm not an idiot."

"before you met mama bear, you kinda were."

he rolled his eyes. "sorry for not knowing how to take care of a baby as soon as i find out i have one. most people have nine months to prepare for the arrival of a child. ella literally showed up on my doorstep."

truth be told, he was parroting the words you'd said to him a week ago when the guilt settled in about how much of a shitty father he was. you were quick to correct him, saying the exact things he told tito, that for a man who found out he had a child only a few months ago, he was doing a great job, and he was even better than some other fathers who left the parenting to their partner.

"i'd never leave you hanging like that," he'd said to you.

but you shrugged off his comment. "it's a little different when it's my job to take care of your kid, mat."

"you've done a great job, barzy," beau said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "there's no doubt about it. you can tell because she loves you."

ella smiled at mat and pushed his cheeks together.

"what do you say we get back to mama bear, huh?" he asked his daughter who only seemed to smile wider at the mention your nickname.

it was another fifteen minutes before they were home, rowdy and disturbing the peace and quiet you'd created for yourself.

"we're back!" mat called as tito shut the front door behind him.

they were setting things down on the floor by the door when you walked out in sweats.

"mama bear!” tito cheered.

you smiled and mat couldn't breathe. "how was my baby?"

mat was embarrassed to say he almost answered for himself. "she was great," was what he said instead. "isn't that right, ella bean?"

ella was reaching for you, making grabby hands in your general direction babbling something he couldn't quite make out.

"what'd you say, baby?" you asked.

"mama," she said.

and the room went silent.

mat's eyes kept darting from ella to you like he was watching a game of olympic table tennis. ella kept reaching for you until you finally gave in and held her. it was then he saw the tears streaming down your cheeks.

mat immediately went into defense mode.

"i'm sorry, i promise i didn't teach her intentionally, she probably picked it up from us calling you mama bear all the time and--"

you shut him up by placing a small kiss on his cheek and squeezing his forearm before turning on your heel.

"let's take a nap, ella bean."

mat couldn't speak, not even when you left the room. tito clapped him on the shoulder before heading towards the kitchen.

"you're so gone for her."

exhibit e

"are you sure about this?" you called from the other room. mat was in the living room adjusting his tie in the mirror on the wall while the babysitter was playing with ella on the floor.

to be honest, when he was complaining to beau about not having a date to some charity event the islanders were hosting, he wasn't expecting beau to suggest you. though, given how beau kept winking and nudging him after every time you and mat so much as made eye contact, it shouldn't have been surprising.

it wasn't that he didn't think of asking you, it was more like he didn't think you'd actually say yes.

"sure about what?" he called back.

"bringing me."

"i've never been more sure about something in awhile."

"you're so dramatic," you laughed.

mat would give anything to bottle up the sound.

"does this look okay?' mat turned when your voice sounded closer than it was a second ago.

he couldn't breathe.

god you looked beautiful.

"oh," you said softly. "your tie matches my dress."

if he could've he would've looked down to confirm your observation, but he couldn't take his eyes off you. your hair was perfectly styled, your makeup, flawless. the navy of your dress was perfectly matched to his tie and pocket square, something that shouldn't matter as much to him as it did.

but it was you.

so it meant the world.

you looked like you were his.

"yeah," was all he could say.

"you never answered my question," you said. "do i look okay? because if it's too much--"

"perfect," he said. "you look perfect."

you smiled. "sydney picked it out." thank you sydney. "you look handsome too mat, though, your tie..." you gestured to his neck so he turned around to see it crooked still. "do you need help?"

"yes please," he sighed. "i've looked up videos, but tito usually helps me do it."

"aw," you cooed. "you looked it up? that's so cute!" your deft fingers began undoing the knot and redoing it way better than he could've.

"how are you so good at this?"

you shrugged. "when i was fourteen, i read a book where a girl tied her husband's tie and i wanted to be able to do the same for the love of my life one day. so i asked my dad to teach me. i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic."

the love of your life.

god he'd give anything to be loved by you.

and it would be so easy just to lean forward a couple of inches and kiss you.

right there.

give in to what he'd been feeling for months.

but the babysitter rounded the corner with ella who was chanting mama and dada which somehow ruined the mood and made him want to kiss you even more.

"be good, sweet girl. we'll see you tomorrow." you made your way to the front door while he kissed his daughter on the head.

"i'm not sure how long we'll be out, but i'll keep you updated," he told the babysitter.

the babysitter nodded, which to be honest, he barely noticed because his attention was back on you and how your dress, while it had sleeves, had a dip in the back. he didn't know that skin could be so alluring, but maybe it was the fact that it was you.

mat cleared his throat and bid the babysitter and ella goodbye before ushering the both of you out of the door.

the drive lasted longer than he wanted it to, mainly because he couldn't wait to get to the event just to show you off.

was this how he was supposed to feel with all of his other exes? the desire to show the world you were his?

"you okay? you're quiet, it's unlike you," you said.

mat shrugged, mainly so he didn't immediately profess his feelings. "just a lot on my mind."

"uh oh. that can't be good," you joked. you leaned over the console and placed your chin in your hand. "you wanna talk about it?"

mat's hands on the wheel tensed, mainly to keep himself from leaning over and kissing you immediately.

"i'm good, maybe we can discuss it later."

you shrugged. "if you say so."

the both of you arrived at the event shortly thereafter with mat passing his keys off to the valet. "stay seated," he told you before getting out and rounding the car to open your door.

"you didn't have to--"

"i know," he smiled. "i wanted to." mat offered you his arm and you took it, wrapping your hand around his bicep like it belonged there.

the two of you spotted marty and sydney first; the latter all but shrieked when she saw you.

"you look amazing!" she said before tugging you out of mat's arm and into her own. "i told you this dress was the one."

"you didn't say i would've matched mat," you mumbled, though he still heard it over the buzz in the room. he was always listening to you.

marty nudged him. "you seem pleased with yourself."

mat smiled. "i am."

you were laughing at something sydney said when tito came up and clapped him and marty on the shoulders. "let's get you a drink, barzy. you look thirsty." he leaned in. "in more than one way."

mat shoved him off and leaned towards you, gently touching your arm. "i'm going with beau and marty to get a drink, but i'll be back."

you smiled and nodded. "okay, don't worry about me, mat. i'll be fine in your absence."

he let himself be whisked away from you and towards the bar where a drink was placed in his hand pretty quickly.

"so," tito started. "you two match."

"it was syd's doing," marty explained. "she orchestrated the whole thing. picked out the dress based on the tie mat wears every year. it was her new project."

mat flushed but did his best to brush it off.

"i don't know how you did it barzy," tito continued. "she looks good. if i were you i would've--"

"watch it, beauvillier."

"i was gonna say--"

"i don't care what you were gonna say, i probably wouldn't have liked it."

"well then, maybe you should take a chance and ask her out finally. the pining was cute at first, now it's bordering on pathetic."

mat rolled his eyes while marty laughed into his drink.

"look, you have a good thing going, you brought her here as your date, ella calls her mama, you two are as good as locked in and committed. you just have to do the hard work of officially asking her out!"

his gaze travelled to the other side of the room where you were laughing along with sydney and grace. you looked like you belonged in his world.

effortlessly.

mat made a move to go over to you, but marty caught his arm. "this is not the place to ask her out," he said. "as much as you want to, you don't want her thinking it took a pretty dress to get you to take her out."

"that's not the case here--"

"does she know that?"

mat rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink.

it was another thirty minutes before he made his way back to you. he found you standing alone on the balcony with a glass of champagne in your hand.

"you okay?" he asked. "no one's bothering you or anything, right?"

you looked over your shoulder and snorted. "i'm not important enough to be bothered by the donors, mat."

"don't say that. you're important."

you rolled your eyes. "not what i meant, mathew."

god he loved it when you said his name.

"i just meant that the donors don't really pay attention to me, so i've just been hanging out with the wives all night since my date ditched me," you teased.

"okay to be fair, tito pulled me away, i would've stayed with you all night if i could've."

you blinked. "really?" you asked in a small voice.

he nodded until he found the words to speak. "i love spending time with you. you're one of my favorite people."

within a split second you were closing the distance between the two of you and wrapping your arms around his waist. your arms snuck under his coat so that the only thing separating your skin from his was the thin material of his dress shirt.

it only took him a split second to react to the hug and wrap you in his arms.

you mumbled against his chest. "you're one of my favorite people, too."

in conclusion:

in the end, there was nothing special about that day. it was a saturday in the middle of july back in coquitlam. by the grace of god, he'd convinced you to come to canada for him, not that you could really refuse as he was the one signing your paychecks, you'd joked (though he made it clear he'd continue paying you even if you didn't go).

and maybe he regretted it a little bit, seeing you bond with his family was another nail in his coffin of falling deeper in love with you. there was no way out now, not that he'd ever want one.

it was one particularly hot day in the summer that mat dragged you and the rest of his family to the beach. and maybe that was a mistake (seeing you in a red bikini in public should be illegal).

you sat in the sand with ella building castles, or at least attempting to, while he tried to drown liana in the water. it wasn't until liana finally dunked him, that he trudged back to shore, bent out of shape and irritated.

"you can dish it out but can't take it?" you teased as he plopped onto the sand next to you.

mat glared instead of saying anything mainly because ella was starting to pick up more and more words and she'd say "fuck" too many times thanks to his mouth.

speaking of, when she saw her dad, ella immediately called him before throwing herself into his lap, completely forgetting about you. it was funny to see mainly because it was a new trend of ella's, ditching you for him. it was even funnier because how put out you'd be about it.

just like now with your lip poked out and your eyes rolling.

"oh don't be a sore loser," mat said. "she used to love you more than me."

"well that makes sense, i'm way more likable than you are."

"i can't argue that."

liana came running into their direct line of sight with a polaroid camera in her hand. "i wanna get a picture of the happy family," she said as her explanation. "say cheese!"

mat froze but you didn't bat an eyelash at the idea of being called family. sure, he'd considered you a part of his ever since you agreed to watch his child, but he didn't know you felt the same.

"smile, mathew," you nudged him in the ribs.

he turned his head towards you, ignoring his sister's groans and chirps. he ignored the sound of a camera clicking and the subsequent flash that followed.

his focus was on you.

"mat, what're you looking at?" you asked. he could vaguely register liana walking away as your eyes searched his face for any hint of what could be going on, but all he could think about was you.

you wearing his jersey and holding ella at the stanley cup finals.

you in a few years with a ring on your left hand that he put there.

you with a newborn baby that was the perfect mix of the both of you.

you, old and crinkly, holding his hand on the couch as you told your grandkids stories.

you.

you.

you.

before he could even stop himself, he leaned forward and captured your lips with his.

you responded not a beat later.

and maybe it was embarrassing, how eager he was or how his hand felt like the perfect fit against your cheek. but he couldn't give a shit.

not when he'd waited so long for something like this. for someone like this.

and when you both pulled away, much too soon in his opinion, your eyes were wide.

"why'd you do that?" you whispered.

he shrugged and adjusted ella in his arms. "because my life is better with you in it. because i love you." he cleared his throat. "why'd you kiss me back?"

you smiled and leaned into kiss him again. this time though, instead of pulling fully away, you stayed close so that your lips brushed his. "because i love you too."

[the-chessboard-is-personal]

ii s1 liveblog but it's just one line per episode and all in one post because people seem to hate liveblogs

also under a cut so the post can be short

1 - gh. this is. 13 years ago?? yeah it sure looks like it. call me problematic or whatever but PLEASE tell me the animation quality gets better. PLEASE. I don't hate the show for this but it is hard to watch /gen

2 - bomb stuttering so much he needs subtitles feels like a harmful representation of people who chronically(?) stutter but I don't stutter so I don't have a proper opinion on that (could someone in the notes confirm or deny?)

3 - KILLED HIM?? (<- said when Balloon was popped) okay it's really funny how in this episode alone I could say that and be talking about threE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS-

4 - okay so I paused in the LOL scene and. "TO DO LIST: REPLACE COINY!" ? ..anyway. what the fuck was that

5 - no budget ass montage skip /silly- ah. nevermind 5.5 ?? - no actually I didn't know that about the 10 contestants thing because no one ever said it in an episode prior to that. also dictionary definition of Taco I see you

6 - who the fuck was that in the intro. is there an orange character?? also what the hell. I didn't install an adblocker for that. UNAUTHORIZED FUCKING THING 🔴. BLOW IT UP NOW!!

7 - who the Phuck is that. wait. that's another MePhone. OH SHIT THEY HAVE BEEF ?!

8 - MePhone 4S?? KILLED HIM??? hm yeah no wonder this show has "insanity" in the title what the fuck is going on

9 - ehh not much to say about this one tbh

10 - don't tell me the fucking COMMERCIAL OBJECT is gonna win

11 - hey neat slideshow. I See You. also yeah yeah this was 12 years ago, but. ......one of these characters seems like a harmful stereotype and this time I'm not talking about Bomb. uh. no further comment. AAAAAAAAAAAA AUDIO DESYNC AAARGHSDFKJG HDLS;JGHGHOS;GHSOLKG RAGRHJ HGARRGAHG RAGHRHAGHGH /negative (sorry again call me problematic but audio desyncs ruin things for me)

12 - oh. more episode 1 flavored pain and suffering. great. oh they don't like it either lol. also what is narnya

13 - OJ you dumbass you SAID THE THING. also hey neat clouds. I See You. ... [paper lore happens] me: yep uh huh *eyes glaze over*

14 - minecraft glass sound hahah[gets hit with the realization that Minecraft is 12 years old] ..haha idiotic island TWOOOO-...oh.

15 - it's him!! and he has claws now! oh he's pathetic. ohh hehe I see. "I'm pretty sure I don't." foreshadowing much? wait WHAT DID 4S JUST SAY

16 - "I guess it's nothing" mhm. sure... jhfkasf "Oh pleas[like button lights up]e, like you've never eaten a sock before" ..4 arms MePhone?

finale part 1 - NOO THE BOX IS OPEN!! wow why so many MePhones- oh wait that's. that's probably a parody of iphone. huh

finale part 2 - "you're DVD and I'm blu-ray" hahahahhaha yeah? you sure that's the gotcha you want it to be? ..oh. OH. w,hat ??hmm ratings huh? reminds me of someo[I am Thwomp'd]

one thing. why does the orange never show up again after that one thing in episode 6 ?

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[hannahwatcheshorror]

TALK TO ME (2022)

😿 Kangaroo left for dead

Teenagers playing dumb games and winning dumb prizes, ghost edition. This movie is like a fresh take on Ouija (without the Ouija). A fascinating and spooky concept played out in an addictingly believable way. Worth the watch.

(Trigger Warning Self Harm, Suicide)

⭐⭐⭐⭐

This movie has such an interesting, crickley, crackly, creaky hook because growing up we (or at least my generation) played with Ouija boards like it was Candyland with absolutely no regard for how serious the content was. In fact, most of the time, playing Ouija was accompanied with a “true story” about someone who died by playing the game “wrong” but my friends and I would still play and barely glance at the rules or anything like that. So I am totally sold on the concept of this hand being a parlor trick and a party game because kids are dumb and we were all kids once (and we are all dumb at least once, some people twice even!).

The premise is, you hold the ceramic hand (there may be a mummified hand inside, spooky!) and ask the spirits to talk to you, then when one appears before you, you casually invite them inside your body. But don’t let it happen for over 90 seconds. Also you need to be strapped to a chair when it happens, but everything is totally fine. Our main girl, Mia, is game to try right away. At first I thought she wanted to try it to talk to her dead mom but she is just a wild woman who is game to trip a little without drugs I guess? Anyway she goes over 90 seconds (whoops) so now things aren’t going so great for her…

BUT that doesn’t mean the fun has to end, right? Because everyone still wants to get hand jobs. (Wait. I mean.) They want to talk to the hand. (That’s better.) So they all go to Mia’s friend Jade’s house and do more hand stuff. (Hannah, stop.) ANYWAY it is all fun and games until Riley, Jade’s 14 year old brother wants a turn and he is just too young, but Mia says fuck it and lets him try. Riley supposedly contacts Mia’s mom so Mia won’t let him break contact so he stays connected for two minutes apparently? And he starts to self harm, he is slamming his head into the table, it is wild, he tries to rip out his own eye. Jade comes back just in time ‘cause Mia is stuck still after hearing from her (maybe) mom.

Riley is hospitalized and that whole family is mad at Mia, (yeah) while Mia is trying to deal with how she sees all these creepy things going on (like her mom scratching at all kinds of surfaces) and Mia even sucks on some toes(?) because what is scarier than a foot fetish? The teens finally become wary of the hand but aren’t sure what to do and don’t realize how far Mia is descending into madness. Mia thinks her mom is telling her what to do so she stabs her father after a BLACK SWAN type hallucination where she thought she was fighting him off but he wasn’t even there at first.

Then she goes to the hospital because she thinks the only way to save Riley from eternal suffering is to murder him. Jade once again comes in clutch, finding Mia’s dad and getting to Riley just in time but not Mia, who very possibly sacrificed herself at the last second, before the insanity fully took over, and threw herself into traffic instead of the young lad. Mia is in darkness but she walks towards a light and an outstretched hand, a man sits at a table and says to her, “Talk To Me.”

My biggest issue with this film and its resolution is that they only randomly said that Riley seemed to be getting better but he also broke the rules like Mia and stayed under spirit control for longer than 90 seconds so I don’t know that he is actually okay or safe. That seemed a little too throw away and I worry about that sweet boy who cared so much for his friends suffering eternally for no good reason. Otherwise this was a compelling film with a bittersweet ending.

[annabellelupin]

I know I like just said a few days ago I was going to step back from controversial posts for a bit but something has kind of came to my attention I'd like to address

I'm going to start of with the fact that this is not a hate post so don't get all pissed off at me for this. I'm fine with people expressing there opinions maturely but if you're just going to argue like a child I will delete the replies/reblogs and block you if needed, I don't want to deal with the drama and arguing.

Sometimes I really think people forget Barty Crouch Jr played a very big role in Goblet of Fire.

He locked a man in a trunk for weeks, turned a 14 year old into a ferret (yes he totally deserved it but the man still didn't deserve to get traumatized), is one of the main reasons Cedric died (he created the portkey-), he showed kids unforgivable curses which definitely was a bit traumatic for some of them (and seemed to trigger some ptsd for Neville), helped torture Alice and Frank Longbottom (two very wonderful people) to insanity and caused Neville so much pain by doing so.

Apparently people are defending him because his dad kind of sucked. I'd like to politely point out his mother loved him so much that she traded places with him so he could get out of Azkaban. And what does he do? Oh right, he goes right back to his old ways. I mean you'd figure most reasonable people would take that as a second chance and a reason to change, but nope not him.

... And yet people defend him and push aside the fact he's done some pretty bad things. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for redemption arcs and such, but what redeemable qualities has this man ever showed? and yes I get that he wasn't always a wizard nazi, but it's mentioned in the seventh books that a group of people who become such were doing really terrible things around Hogwarts, and one harmed Mary pretty badly. Just imagine what he did to people during his time at Hogwarts. People don't become evil over night. And unlike a lot of the des out there, he didn't have an entire family supporting Voldemorts actions that drove him to do it, he did it on his own accord.

now, before anyone goes "Oh that never happened!" or "He'd never do that!" he's some proof:

I'm not even going to bother finding the parts where he scars kids for life just because he can. I think this speaks for itself.

and someone pointed out that yes, his dad was a fucking bastard but most characterss had terrible families. I can name so many other characters that went through a lot and didn't do things like this over it. the man even had the audacity to lie about doing a lot of it. yes he was young then, but even years upon years later he made no effort to change for the better. I can almost guarantee that if he would've genuinely changed, Crouch sr would not have done half of this stuff. Like do you really think most parents would willingly do that to their children? he knew if he didn't then they'd both end up getting in trouble (not saying he should've done it, just that he didn't do it for nothing, his own reputation aside he was probably worried his son would end up hurting people again).

I really don't understand how people can defend and love this character...

but whatever. idc. i dont like him but if you do then it's whatever. I'm not going to be directly rude to you if I don't like the same characters or ships as you so don't go thinking this is me being rude to people who do like him, that's not the case. I'm just explaining my thoughts on the subject.

[madamlaydebug]

✔️Random thoughts going into the last quarter of 2023 1.

It’s not demons you are fighting it’s your karma you are reaping 2. Some folks are good at fronting especially for IG- not everything you see is the truth ( they fronting for some body to buy some BS) 3. Narcissist’s love to make you feel you the other person is the problem they will never take the blame 4. Narcissists will have you fighting another person while they created that whole scenario to take the spot light off them 5. Some folks minds is a jail 6. Some folks situations they are in could feel like a jail and they have the option to break free but they need to learn how to free themselves from narcissist 7. Always look at the motives when someone is doing something with - people can do good gestures on the surface but have a ulterior motive behind it 8. Some of you are fighting for love or fighting for someone you love - why are you always fighting - love comes easy with someone that is genuine - you don’t need to always be fighting to keep things going 9. If you are constantly fighting to be in someone’s life after they keep dogging you out - you are in a manipulative cycle - you are their puppet 10. A person can pit two individuals against each other while they are the enemy but it might take some time to catch that light 11. Not everyone drowning you need to save - some will pull you down and save them selves while you were helping them 12. Some toxic cycles will do more harm and damage than good ( breaking free will only set you free ) no matter what you think people will say 13. If you lost everything ( EVERYTHING) over someone and you still taking L’s with them - it’s no longer love it’s insanity ! 14. Not everyone is your life is a destiny helper some are destiny destroyers - don’t let your love from them block you from seeing who should stay and who should go 15. Not everyone who speaks of God knows him - Judas sat next to Jesus and betrayed him - some of these same people will betray you too while talking about Jesus 16. Imagine someone talking about GOD yet robbing folks

[queenvreads]

REVIEW: Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

*Contains Spoilers *

I am going to be VERY generous—no, EXTREMELY generous (because I waited on a waitlist for this book and paid $31 for it)—and give this book 2.75 stars/5. The premise of the book is actually good, but the execution falls short. AND I must emphasize that if this book hadn't been so hyped up, I might have enjoyed it more. But because of all the hype, I had high expectations, and unfortunately, it didn't meet them.

Let's begin my rant.

Violet studied her whole life to be a scribe, but her mom decides that she should become a dragon rider instead. The majority of the cadets at this brutal academy are conscripted, meaning they don't have enough soldiers in the military and need to draft these kids. However, these kids are just left for dead during the trials, and tragically, every moment and every day someone dies. They can even kill each other, with a few exceptions based on the Codex rules.

In the beginning of the book, 60-something kids died on the parapet. What is the point of that? It would have made more sense if the losers of the trials were assigned different roles like scribes, cooks, or healers instead of being killed.

Furthermore, all the kids of the separatists are conscripted into the military. Why would you give kids of traitors with strong vendettas access to secrets and military information? But even worse, they are given dragons. Doesn't anyone see a problem with this? It's not a very smart military strategy. (But what do I know!)

The world-building and dialogue in the book were very corny and cringe-worthy. There were instances of strange dialogue early on that stood out. For example, on page 9, Violet & Mira are talking about Violet's situation. It's bad—she's literally going to a death academy. They have this super weird conversation about a rider who can make small things very big. "I roll my eyes." "I mean how much bigger?" I don't know... like... that's what comes to mind when you're panicked for your life in this high-stress situation? Soooo cringe. Then they go on to talk about sex lives... like, seriously? I think Violet needs to focus on a different topic today 🤣

Another example is on page 14 when Mira warns Violet about Xaden. Instead of a natural conversation, Violet starts info-dumping facts about Xaden's father. "That Xaden Riorson?" and then Violet starts saying the facts about who Xaden's father is. "His father was the Great Betrayer. He led the rebellion." Who talks like that? Imagine you're talking to someone about your friend ABC, and then that person says, "Oh ABC, they grew up in a small town and have 4 dogs." Yes, that's the one.

This pattern of cringe dialogue continues throughout the book. While I understand the appeal of providing details to the reader, the descriptions were too literal and lacked subtlety.

Another example when Xaden and Violet meet, they say "Sorengail?" "You're General Sorrengail's youngest!" "You're Fen Riorson's son!" DUH 😵😵 Oh my God, pull my teeth out.

Let's move on to Violet. (O.M.G. I could not stand this nickname.)

She is tiny, frail, and weakly built. YOU CANNOT FORGET THIS, BECAUSE IT'S REPEATED THROUGHOUT THE BOOK. My main issue with her is that she knowingly puts herself in a dangerous situation where death is almost guaranteed, yet she acts SO STUPID. 🤯🤠😵

I fail to understand why Xaden keeps praising her intelligence when her actions don't reflect it. WHAT'S SO SMART ABOUT HER? If she were smart, she would have let Dain take her away.

For example, the moment she shares one of her good boots with Rhiannon, who, at that moment, could have been a Jack 2.0, I knew she was dumb. She consistently comes across as lacking common sense.

Another moment... when she protected Andarna before they bonded. I'd want to protect an innocent creature as well from being killed, but the fact that she puts herself in harm's way, to protect a DRAGON when she's outnumbered like that, is insane.

And how on earth does she get 2 dragons? Of course, her dragon is mated with Xaden's. At least it's not mated faes...

There was a part when Jack challenged her. She didn't want Liam to tell Xaden, yet during the fight, she has a thought about how she needs to survive for Xaden's safety. IT MAKES NO SENSE. She could have told him, and he would have stopped it!

Next up, I had no connection to her and Xaden romantically. Of course, he's this misunderstood villain who actually has morals. Violet is scared for her life, and Xaden has a reason to kill her, yet she fantasizes about how good-looking he is. SCORCHING HOT. OH MY GOSH. PLEASE. NO. What is this vocabulary they use in this book?? The constant reminder that her body is reacting to him, he's so.fucking.hot, that her self-preservation is out the door. AND LET'S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE SEX SCENES. Oh, my goodness, the dirty talk was so CRINGE. Ok, let's move on, I can't talk about it.

Moving on.... There is a point that Violet, VIOLET.. finds out about Xaden's secret gatherings. (When she is in the tree) she then promises him secrecy. Why? It makes no sense. She thinks he's going to murder her. She overhears him talk, and she's like, "Oh, he's not so bad, that's good advice he's telling his potential rebellion gang." Like what? Then the escalation from "ok, I'll keep your secret" to "ok, are you going to kill me or what?" Does she have A.D.D.??

Everything about her interactions is useless. ANOTHER EXAMPLE. She bonds with 2 dragons, they are deliberating about the laws, and when they announce her as "girl," in her mind she corrects them with "woman!" And it's like.. ok so people are trying to kill you, you are injured, you are experiencing trauma, and that's where the line in your mind is crossed? Everything about her makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

Dain starts as being sweet and quickly becomes overbearing. He's condescending and whiny. They keep saying they are each other's best friends, but are they? REALLY? He puts policy before her. ALTHOUGH, he is the only one smart enough to attempt to get her out of the academy. It's like Tamlin and Rhys all over again, only much much worse.

Lastly, as much as I love dragons, them being telepathic with their riders ruined the grandeur and mystique of them for me. Big, great, ominous, strong dragons having sarcastic banter with an insecure Violet didn't work. It still doesn't make sense how she was thrown into this situation and is just accepting it. And actually choosing to stay.

The ending was good, the last line definitely something I will think about. Do I care to know what happens next? It really depends on whether this author will clean up her writing style and mature these characters.

I am never falling for TIKTOK hype ever again. 🤯... maybe thats a lie, but I will be WEARY!

✍️Befriend me on Goodreads: ⭐HERE⭐

[moku-and-his-madness]

um...a vent under cut....

tw drug mention tw self harm tw trauma tw rape

ive most likely mentioned this before...or ive forgotten...like i always fucking do. but im pissed off about something.

it may seem selfish of me....even a bit ignorant or greedy....but ive always wondered why i never developed DID. i know its not very enjoyable. i know what happens to people with it, how they get it, why its horrible.

but ive wondered why i never had it. why i couldnt have it. ive wanted so many times not to physically be somewhere, to just, be gone and let something else or someone deal with that pain. and im not saying this in a way where id use it for some stupid cliche personal gain.

im saying it in a way i wish i could escape situations i shouldnt have seen. to not see my birth mum pumping herself with drugs of all sorts and land ourselves in a ravine to be saved by paramedics. to avoid every beating from my father when i was 'misbehaving' and not being the proper child he couldnt raise. to have someone there instead of me just talking to myself when my dad left me at home alone for days or even a week at a time just so he could fucking make a buck.

so i dont have to remember being raped by some kids of my dads girlfriend because i always have to be preyed upon, weak, im always being used for the wrong reasons.

i wanted something to be there, in the back of my mind, to talk to me, to ease that pain. and i know i dont cut as much as others do, but i have harmed myself, burned myself, and then i get pissed at the scars like there's something i can do.

im breaking and im broken, but its not enough. i just fucking recently discovered that my father was lying to me for years about my mums death, that she never passed in jail. she hung herself, and it hurts because if my dad wasnt the jackass he is i could have had a mum with me by my side. for all the years i had to deal with his shitty whores for girlfriends, them countlessly trying to be what they couldnt even try to be, fucking broke me.

but i didnt cry.....i didnt shutdown.....i dont want to do this anymore. i dont wanna be able to smile and feign happiness. i dont wanna be able to repsond to the questions and are you okays as if the questions will heal the deep scars i hold.

and i cant just fucking up and tell my 'therapist' because the most she thinks i deal with is whos fighting at lunch or whos breaking up with who in the shitty friendgroup where i only have 3 actual mates out of 14 who fucking give a shit about me.

if i told her anything i fret she'd send me to the madhouse because the occassional time i fuck up and slip and tell her how i truly am fucked on the inside she looks at me like im harmfull, like she doesnt know what to do with me.

and its that fucking look, when people see who truly mad and insane i am, that makes me want to rip the skin from my limbs, tear the flesh from my bones because im truly ashamed to be myself. i hate myself.

i just wish things could fucking be different.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

“Hey Kid, Don’t Tell Your Parents.”

Got your attention yet? This website, along with sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit, are a danger to kids. A lot of people may go, “I used social media when I was young and I’m fine” and sure. Maybe you are fine. But in a world so torn to shreds and divided by insane people, predators, zealots, and moral absolutists, there’s a much bigger threat now. 

Fact of the matter is, as of just recently there has been a trend of radicals saying, “Hey kid don’t tell your parents about this, they would not understand.” And while we know that phrase is normally reserved for predators, it’s also reserved for groomers. Or in this case people who are telling your kids that if they are not happy in SOME way, they are trans. Why prompted this? What else but this:

This to be stacked on top of a recent video that proves CHILDREN are being fast tracked into transitioning. Which can be shown here. And is being done to SMALL children. Who are NOT getting mental health help. They are just being pushed through the Big Pharma pipeline. And congrats for everyone pushing that. You’ve created a class of people who will forever have to live off Pharma companies, and Surgeons. 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrOyphmA6eN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

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And in the video you clearly see people are being harmed by this. Children who are NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH to understand the consequences of sex, are being taken advantage of, having their bodies pumped full of hormones and having body parts cut off. HOW THE FUCK are they old enough to make that choice if they are not old enough to consent. AND DON’T TELL ME that shit is different because it’s not. YOU just need it to be different because that way you can make more people like you. 

OH. And before someone comes to me and says, “Oh well you can’t convince a person that isn’t trans to be trans”. TELL THAT to the thousands of detransitioner. We are sterilizing and mutilating KIDS! Many of whom will forever be dealing with mental health issues BECAUSE of the whole situation as well as probably body dysmorphia. And it’s because of people like you. 

If you see this and you are under 18 and you believe you are trans. Let me give you some advice. If a person ever tells you, to NOT seek mental health help. Or they tell you not to tell your parents about something.......Assume the person you are talking to is a predator. Because 9.9/10 times, they will be. And contrary to the false studies you see. We don’t actually have YEARS of data backing up that transitioning helps people. Because prior to now, it wasn’t really a big enough thing to DO research on. 

More than that. Imagine if you thought you were a chicken when you were 8. And your parents had your arms cut off to affirm your identity. It’s the same thing. And lastly. Hormone blockers  are NOT reversible. Any amount of puberty you miss while taking hormone blockers? Does not just come back. When you miss it, you miss it. And if you take blockers for years, and come mid-late 20′s you want kids? You might not even have the ABILITY to have them. 

If you are a guy and take blockers as a kid and end up with a micro penis. YOU BETTER PRAY you find a woman that loves you for you. Because sex likely won’t even be an option. Also girls. No. You breasts will NOT grow back. And there have been stories of 14 y/o girls having their breasts cut off, regretting it, then asking if they will grow back. No. They won’t 

And before anyone says anything, NO. This isn’t an anti trans rant. 

This is a rant against radical activists, who’s only goal is the transition of as many people as humanly possible even if they are not trans. And that should scare you. Because these people are now the reason we see fast tracking. How many people have to be scarred by you, and or kill themselves because they were not trans and wanted an escape? HOW MANY BODIES are you fine with?

Because I can bet, if we brought back all the people whom activists claim took their lives after “Not being affirmed enough” the problem would have been that they were depressed, not trans, and the transition only made things worse. How many kids and teens have to die until it’s enough? 

We need to put a stop to this. Laws need to be put into place barring kids from being put on hormones. Laws need to also be put into place saying that you need 2 years of mandatory mental health help before surgery is even allowed. Why? Because this is a mental health epidemic. And it needs to be handled PROPERLY by mental health professionals. (Oh and any of the ones that have signed off on fast tracking? And ones that are caught doing so in the future? Revoke their creds, and throw them in jail.)

[im-just-a-random-fandom-girl]

Uhm you are genuinely stupid with your twisting

1. Democrats are only trying to ensure gun safety and stricter checks so that people who are mentally unstable or too young or have a history of violence cannot have access to them. For example: every single school shooter who has somehow bought a gun despite TONS of evidence that they should not have been able to. Also, pretty much every single one of your conservative Supreme Court justices JUST agreed a couple weeks ago that someone who is convicted of domestic violence should not be able to get a gun. That’s what we want.

2. Literally what? That’s the Republicans. They literally want to prevent queer teachers in school from talking about their partners or having pictures on their desk even though straight teachers are allowed to, they want to remove climate change from textbooks, they want to FORCE teachers to have to tell parents if their kids are LGBTQ+. They demanded that protests for Palestine get shut down on college campuses. They demanded the BLM protests be shut down, even those that did not have destruction of property. They constantly attack the media and make claims of “fake news” when it is very obviously not (and they want to overturn NYT v. Sullivan). They want to make it more difficult for people to vote (policies all target demographics that typically vote blue). The list goes on and on.

3. LOL. What concentration camps. No Democrat is even advocating for people to be arrested for not getting the COVID vaccine. This is a bonkers claim. Not to mention the fact that the vaccine WAS proven to be significantly effective. The virus has many variants and can be extremely harmful on the body. The vaccine reduces the chances that you will get it, but if you do get it, it will help your body fight it. Less extreme symptoms, less death.

4. Not true! Just insane to claim such a thing. You know who is heterosexual, white and Christian? Nearly single person in my family. They are all Democrats. They do not feel threatened. Republicans want to force schools to teach the 10 Commandments (that is not only against the separation of church and state, but also it prioritizes Christianity over all other religions and antagonizes them). They want to make it impossible for trans people to access gender affirming care (my cousin transitioned when he was 14 and he just had top surgery at age 17. had he not been able to, he would be dead. the cutting scars on his arms and wrists are proof of that). They want to prevent people that have a uterus from accessing contraceptives and abortions, and some say that even in cases of rape or incest (SEE: JD VANCE). On LGBTQ+ again and race (oh and non Christian particularly Jewish and Muslim) see: the long list of hate crimes and mass shootings committed against those populations! Which all are committed by straight, white, often Christian men who often are Republican/have manifestos that look like the Republican party wrote it!

5. See above on all points. BLM occasionally involved some destruction of property as did 1 pro-Palestine protest. On the Republican side see: Charlottesville. JANUARY 6TH. The list goes on. And like? Socialist propaganda? What?? Imprisonment?? If you are referring to Trump and his cronies, you are simply stupid because they committed CRIMES. That’s why they were imprisoned.

6. See above point. They committed CRIMES such as TAX FRAUD, CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS, CAMPAIGN FINANCE VIOLATIONS, LYING TO CONGRESS, and so on.

7. Some people, not all, made jokes about the attempted assassination. I agree that on a moral level, if we are against gun violence we should be against all gun violence. But to use this to antagonize Democrats is crazy when Republicans use violent and aggressive rhetoric every day. They have “Fuck Joe Biden” flags and shirts, and had lewd ones for Hilary Clinton, they celebrated when Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in his home and then started conspiracy theories to put the blame on him… the list goes on. I mean they aren’t even willing to admit that the shooter was a registered Republican AND they have started conspiracy theories that it was ordered by Biden and an inside job. Totally insane.

Stop with this bullshit.

listen, i hate how biden has responded to the crisis in gaza as much as the next person, but for i cant bear the idea of withholding my vote in the upcoming election… trump just said in the debate that we should “let israel finish the job”

how HORRIFIC. how DISGUSTING. i get that voting for biden feels like we are settling, but the alternative is just so much worse

[b4n3n4]

I've vented a bit on a public server, I shouldn't have done that, but ill vent here, this is not in any shape, or form praise to my awful ex crushes, I hope those 3 actually get tortured for Infinity in hell, especially you, you know who you are, and I know you still stalk this page.

Sometimes i miss when i was at my "lowest" objectively I guess, mentally I felt happier somehow, kind of go lucky feeling, if nothing matters nothing can hurt you, I've never talked about the boys I've liked before on this page, they were 3.

I can say my first crush was probably who made me this way, he was cold with everyone, rude, misogynistic and violent, that was the first boy I've ever liked at 12, he was different, never met anyone like him before, other seemed like cowards, unable to be authentically themselves, he introduced me to gore when I was 12, way before I even knew porn was a thing, I started to cut myself around that age, he would always ask me to see, to touch the cuts, I felt like he understood me, what I wanted to say or do he said and did, when I didn't like someone I would keep it to myself, but he would be as ruthless as he wanted, pure neutrality, I fell in love quickly, would spend whole classes looking at him, how smart he was, how charismatic, well now I can see he was just a sociopath literally but at the time he was like God to me, ill never forget his smirks when I would show him my cuts or the big smile I gave him when he fell down while playing fight with a friend and made a huge scratch in his whole stomach, showing me it proudly.

i spent a year madly in love with him and lost about 14 kgs although I couldn't diet at home, I would just start to purge my food at home and fast during school, one day I discovered that although we never dated he was using me as rebound, and somehow the love broke off that day, I had nightmares with him for about 5 years after

2 years later i met my irl ex, quiet kid in class that one day said some stupid misogynistic joke and I laughed and we bonded, showed me theync, would say I was disgusting for not being as good as him in class, basically an incel when I met him but that was the part I liked, once he started to become softer with me I lost interest quickly but we stayed together as I was waiting for him to change to his before self, we broke up because he would go through my messages, make me give my phone every time we were together etc, I hate insecure men, we were together for 4 years and during all those years I would have nightmares with the first boy.

WORST ONE SO FAR, so, as im a fucking loser and don't have friends I was searching for servers on 4chan and found one lmao, owner dms me saying he wants to kill me and he's the only dude I replied to in months, lies to me, never shows his face, uses me for my body, blackmails me, etc, but somehow because I was lonely and thought I was gonna km I let that slide for a year, also I liked how fucked up he was, then he turns too nonchalant and soft for my liking, teenage girl kinda texts and I ask to break up, we fought ALOT before also, I seriously he khs because every day I find out more lies, like sending fake plushie pic (saying he got them for me) then finding those pics in a 2016 website, ALSO said he sent fake pics the first time but then that they were real the second time (gaslight and lies because they weren't) calling me insane and obsessive for not believing him, erm okay, hope you die

WELL long rant but yes during those 3 boys I relapsed, in self-harm and gore, and also lost weight with every one of them, my boyfriend who is the sweetest kindest soul on earth, and although I thought I would be interested in him at the beginning because of his scary appearance turns out I can love someone who treats me well, but sometimes I wish I was as strong as before, I feel like nowadays everything is too easy on me and I've become too soft, its been like 3 weeks without cutting and I miss it often, I miss feeling so grossed out by everyone I would hide myself in the bathroom watching gore, I miss not caring for tomorrow or what happens to me since I knew I was going to die soon, I miss it, why am I so soft nowadays, I'm supposed to feel happy I am "getting better" but feels like my destructive mindset before actually made me happier

[whentommymetalfie]

Home to you -chapter 29

-Interlude -Ada-

Prologue//1//2//3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28

Pairing: Tommy/Alfie

Summary: Bad news reach Arrow House. Ada takes steps to deal with the situation. 

Warnings: suicidal ideation, discussions of past attempted suicide, neglect, ptsd, injury, aftermath of forced hospitalization and medical malpractice, hallucinations, disordered eating, harmful views of suicide

Wordcount: 3,5 K

Ada had hoped that the next time she saw her brother, the circumstances wouldn’t be quite as dire as the last. Yet here they are, gathered in one of Arrow House’s many living rooms in tense silence.

Tommy is in one of the armchairs, curled into a small ball. The way she’s gotten used to seeing him now, always making himself smaller than he already is, as if he wished every piece of furniture, every surface, would swallow him. He’s done a good job of it, nearly disappearing. So thin and fragile that Ada’s heart still clenches with fresh pain each time she sees him. The clothes he’s wearing seem to drown him, a worn flannel shirt and wool trousers she suspects must be Solomons. She hopes for Solomons sake that he’s offered Tommy some proper clothes, and that he’s chosen to wear these. She’ll need to have a word with Solomons about that, when opportunity arises. Though right now that’s of course the least of their many problems.

Solomons himself is poised by the armchair, half sat on the armrest next to Tommy’s crutches, one of his hands absentmindedly stroking the side of Tommy’s neck. Lizzie is opposite in an armchair of her own, smoking, as always. Ada doesn’t have enough peace to be sat down. She needs to keep moving or she’ll go insane. And she wishes Tommy wouldn’t be here, that he wouldn’t have to carry this on his shoulders. But Solomons made it very clear that he wanted to be present. Though she’s quite sure that’s because Tommy doesn’t want to be left alone. Even now, he’s leaned against the armrest where Alfie is sat, one hand clenched into the fabric of his sleeve, the other picking at the hot water bottle Solomons has gotten him.

“How could this happen?” she asks, sharper than she intended and Tommy flinches, making Solomons hand stop in its tracks to squeeze lightly around his jaw. It appears to instantly soothe him. She tries to soften her tone as she goes on, “I thought you had things under control. Or at the very least had him properly fucking locked up.”

“He was properly fucking locked up,” Alfie says, voice a low grumble. “He must’ve had help from someone, obviously. Seeing as the only of my men who could tell us are either dead or laid up in hospital, that’s all we know right now. But I’ve got people looking into it. And I think I at least deserve some fucking credit for not instantly assuming someone here had something to do with it. I’d like to think we’ve at least established that much trust between us.”

He looks between her and Lizzie. Ada nods and makes another round across the carpet. She longs for another drink. Which is concerning. There have probably been far too many of those, these past few months, and now more than ever her head needs to be clear.

“And what do we do now?” Lizzie asks.

“Well, first of all I’m getting Tommy home,” Alfie says and squeezes Tommy’s shoulder. Tommy himself only gazes listlessly at the carpet. “He’ll be safer in Margate. I’ll come back and stay in Birmingham stay until we’ve tracked him down”

“Is that really a good idea?” Ada asks. “Michael found you there once. He might know where your house is. You don’t know if it’s safe.”

“Believe me, that house will be more closely guarded than Buckingham fucking palace,” Alfie promises. ”Just have to make a few calls first.”  

To Ada’s surprise, Lizzie nods in agreement, but her own throat grows tight with worry at the mere thought of Tommy so far away, without the watchful eye of the family. Then again she can see how that may be the best option: they’ve admittedly failed quite spectacularly at protecting him thus far.

But Tommy shakes his head, tugging at Alfie’s sleeve. Solomons’ attention turns to him and his gaze softens. And it’s that look that, despite Ada’s misgivings, tells her this man is willing to move fucking mountains for her brother.

“You’ll feel better at home, love,” he says. “Esther will be there. Yeah? She’ll look after you.”

Tommy shakes his head again. “No.”

“I’ll be there the second we’ve got this mess sorted. It’ll only take a few days-“

Tommy leans his forehead against Alfie’s side, knuckles whitening. “Not without you.”

Alfie cradles the back of his head and runs his thumb gently down the side of it, over the ridges of the scar.

“It’s your decision to make, love. I’d never force you to go anywhere.”

“You’ll lose almost a day if you’re going to travel to Margate and back again,” Ada points out, “So staying might be the best option for now. And I think we should speak to Polly. Michael might go to her.”

“You’re not telling her about any of this. She doesn’t deserve to know,” Lizzie says icily. “Not after-“ she glances in Tommy’s direction. Tommy holds the hot water bottle tighter to his belly, picking at the rubber.  

“Think she might have something to do with this?”  Alfie asks and rubs the back of Tommy’s other hand, still attached to his sleeve.

“No,” Ada says. “No, no she wouldn’t-“

But does she really know that?

There was a time when she’d say Polly wouldn’t do anything that would put Tommy in harm’s way, but that was long ago. A rift was created between the pair even before that awful night when everything fell apart. The final blow was Polly refusing to come see Tommy afterwards. Even when Ada begged her to put petty differences aside, when they were certain he would slip away completely. Perhaps only had days, hours left. But her pleas fell on deaf ears. And could she really blame her aunt, when she herself stopped visiting only to spare herself the pain? She couldn’t then, but now when she’s sworn to make up for the cowardly mistake, she realises she’s just as angry with Polly as she is with herself.

“But she doesn’t know about any of this,” Lizzie says, pulling her from her thoughts. “If she found out Michael was missing, and-“

“All the more reason to go to her,” Ada interrupts. “She needs to know what he did. Because if he’s gone to her, whatever story he’s telling her won’t be the truth.”

Ada leaves it at that because her brother’s face has gone ashen.

There’s a sharp knock, and Tommy flinches at the sound, huddling closer to Alfie who lays a large hand on his shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. Ada, being on her feet already, goes to crack the door open, just enough to see her older brother’s haggard face.

“I told you to wait in the other room,” she hisses as she herds Arthur back into the hallway and out of Tommy’s field of vision before he can see him. Thankfully she can’t smell any whiskey on him. Small mercies.

“I want to help,” Arthur says.

“You’ve done quite enough of that.”

The door opens behind them and Solomons is standing in the opening, eyes hard as he stares Arthur down. Arthur stares back, his jaw tight.

“I want that bastard dead just as much as you do,” Arthur tells them. “And I know the men he’s got around him. And who we’d still have on our side, if they found out what he did.”

“You can’t fucking be here,” Alfie hisses. “Tommy doesn’t need any of this. He’s barely recovered from your last bloody visit.”

“If Tommy doesn’t want me here, I’ll leave. But I want to hear it from him.”

“You’re in no position to ask for anything from him. Honestly, mate, just seeing you might be enough to make him spiral.”

“We have to ask,” Ada says before Arthur can open his mouth and earn himself a broken nose. “We shouldn’t make decisions for him.”

Alfie lets out a grunt, but turns on his heal and leaves the door open behind him. Ada goes back inside, and Arthur follows. Tommy is watching the door, blue eyes wide and frightened. Lizzie glares daggers at Arthur but says nothing.

Arthur takes a step forward, but stops when Alfie moves to block his path. Hands falling to his sides, Arthur desperately tries to catch Tommy’s gaze. “Tommy, I-“

“It’s fine,” Tommy whispers. “Stay.”  

After a hesitant look in Tommy’s direction, Alfie leans closer to Arthur and hisses, “If you put as much as a fucking toe out of line I’m throwing your scrawny arse out the bloody window. You get that?”

Arthur clenches his jaw tightly, but nods. As Alfie resumes his position by Tommy’s armchair, Ada stares sharply at her older brother, hoping it’s enough to remind him of the long discussion that preceded him getting to come along at all.

Evidently it helps because Arthur stays civil -or at the very least mostly silent- throughout the rest of the conversation, allowing her and Alfie to do most of the talking as they decide upon their next course of action. And once the most urgent matters have been tended to, Alfie suddenly states that Tommy needs to rest and sweeps him out of the room. And he does look tired, eyes glassy under low lashes and his slight frame folding against Alfie as he gently ushers him towards the door. It’s concerning that Ada didn’t notice until just now.

Excusing herself to go and make a few calls, Lizzie leaves moments later, and Ada is alone with Arthur. They sit in silence for a long time.

“You need to talk to Tommy and apologise,” she says, finally. Arthur fidgets and stares longingly at the whiskey.

“I know.”  

Ada moves the bottle farther away.

“There’s no going back to normal, Arthur,” she reminds him. “We have to accept the fact that Tommy will never be how he used to be. All we can hope is that he’ll be safe, maybe even happy at some point. And that’ll have to be enough.” This is a talk they’ve already had. But possibly the first time he’s sober enough to actually listen. “He’s not a child, even if you may see him like that. He’s still capable of making decisions. And you have to let him.”

“But we don’t know that,” Arthur argues, but he just sounds tired. “What the hell do we know about the state of his head and what he is and isn’t capable of? He can’t fend for himself. And he’s completely dependent on that man.”

“If you weren’t so bull headed you’d see how much Alfie cares for him. He’s already done more than we ever did.”

Arthur grunts and stares at his hands. She sighs.

“Right now, I’m not asking you to understand any of this. I’m just asking you to make things right with Tommy. Because what you did the other night, was fucking unacceptable. And if you don’t get your shit together you’re going to lose him altogether.”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me right now,” Arthur mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. Ada squeezes his shoulder.

“You’ll have to give him some more time. We’re doing things on his schedule now.”

Arthur nods, head hanging. Ada pats his back.

“But, you can come with me to Birmingham. Rally the forces while I speak to Polly. The best we can do for him is make sure Michael pays for what he’s done.”

And at that, her older brother finally perks up.  

…

Ada drives to Polly that same evening with Arthur by her side in the car.

“Meet you at the Garrison in an hour,” she says outside the car. He’s sober, still. But she’s not allowing him to speak to Polly. She knows his limits. And they go their separate ways.

Ada steels herself and knocks on the door to her aunt’s town house. There was a time when the door would always be open to her. Those days are long gone.

Polly opens, a twitch to her brow the only sign of her surprise, and steps aside as Ada walks past her.

“To what do I owe the rare pleasure?” she asks.

Deciding there’s no way she can do this without at least one drink, Ada moves on to the living room without answering. It looks as she remembers it, but it feels like entering a stranger’s home. The fireplace is lit to chase away the evening chill, leaving the room full of dancing shadows. She switches on one of the lamps beside the sofa, pours herself a whiskey and offers one to Polly who accepts it without a word.

“Have you seen Michael around?” she asks and seats herself on the sofa.

Polly’s eyebrow quirks. “It seems my son is too busy to even come by his own house,” she says, taking a seat across from Ada in the armchair. “His wife was here a few days ago, asking about him as well.”

Naïve as it might’ve been, Ada had hoped she’d know at once if her aunt is telling the truth. She takes a long swig of whiskey.  

“Tommy is back,” she says. Thinks she sees the smallest twitch to Polly’s brow, but save for that she might’ve as well have told her it was raining outside.  

“So, he decided to come back from his impromptu little vacation,” she says as she takes her cigarette case from the end table. “Typical. Leaving all of you in a state without a word and then showing up when it suits him.”

Ada tries to focus on the burn of whiskey in her throat. Polly lights a cigarette and reaches the case to her but she declines, afraid her hands will shake.

“Surprisingly, Michael is the one who found him. And decided to have him committed to Winson Green asylum. Without telling anyone.”

And for once, Polly’s face falls. She hopes the surprise is genuine. There might even be a twinge of worry there, but perhaps she only sees what she wishes she would. It only lasts for a fraction of a second before her face is calm once more.

“Where has he been, then, all these months?”

“Safe. With someone who took care of him.”

“Was that someone a woman?” Polly sneers.

“No. And it doesn’t matter who it was.” Ada sets her glass down with a loud click. “But what I do know is that Michael found out and took him. Causing immense fucking harm in the process. It’s a miracle we could find him, and I’m sure you’re not interested in the details, but they got him out in the nick of time because he was virtually on the brink of death. He’s still in a bad way.  

Polly shakes her head. “Michael wouldn’t do something like that unprovoked. My guess is Tommy’s been lying low. Perhaps he made some ill-conceived play to take back the company and Michael found out”

Now, Ada simply stares at her, in utter disbelief.

“I don’t know how you still don’t understand,” she begins when she finally regains her ability to speak. “He’s gone. Every part of him that could’ve possibly done something like that disappeared the second he decided to put that gun to his head.”

Before that even. But they all failed to notice.  

Polly scoffs, blowing a cloud of smoke across the room. “I can’t believe you’re all falling for that act. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Look at you, already doing his bidding.”

“You would know if you’d gone to see him even once that it’s no fucking act,” Ada says. “The fact that you’d say that is beyond me. He’s a broken fucking shell. And from what I understand, he was finally doing a bit better. After months. But Michael’s stunt ruined all of that and more.”  

“How do you know any of this? Is all you have Tommy’s word? Because you know it’s worthless.”

“How about Lizzie’s word? Or Arthur’s? Would you believe them?” Ada spits. “And not that you care, but Tommy barely says a word these days. Spent the first fucking week after that asylum completely mute.”

Polly sip of her whiskey and calmly says, “I think you should leave, Ada. I haven’t seen Michael.”

Ada gets to her feet and towers above her aunt.

“I know this is all a fucking façade you’re putting up,” she says. “I have to believe that. Maybe because it’d be too painful to see what’s become of him. But I know that you love him. At least you did once. If you ever did, and if you ever loved me, you’d listen.”

Polly empties her glass slowly, allowing silence to fill the room as she watches the fireplace. The glowing embers do nothing to chase away the icy cold that seems to have enveloped the room. All Ada can hear is the sound of her own blood pulsing behind her temples. Finally, Polly stands and looks her in the eye.

“Tommy brought this upon himself,” she says. “That he finally has to bear the consequences of his actions is not my fucking problem. You tell him that. See for how long he can keep up this act of being a helpless victim in need of rescuing.”

Ada steadies herself as to not reel backwards. Images flashes before her eyes, of Tommy shying away from her touch, terrified. Huddling closer to the one person he perceives as safe. So small and fragile that a bad touch could break him. So fucking detached from the man the cruel years had turned him into, and yet as though someone has simply peeled away the outer layers of him and revealed the shattered pieces that have always been beneath a thin veneer of control. That she failed to see before it was far too late. If Polly knew, she wouldn’t say these things. She has to believe that.

Because it’d be too painful to admit that her aunt has turned into someone she can’t recognize.

“I’m not going to tell him about any this,” she says once she finally believes her voice will hold “Because it would kill him. But I want you to know this: in that asylum, they kept him in a straitjacket. In a windowless, padded room. In the dark. All alone. They drugged and beat him. And Michael planned to leave him there to rot. Because in his mind, he was still a fucking threat to the position he’s unfairly taken.” She watches Polly. Searches for any sign of a crack in the icy mask. Finding none. “It completely fucking broke whatever was left of him, and I have no idea if he’ll ever even begin to recover. Your son saw to that. That is true, whether you believe me or not.”

When all she’s met with is stony silence, Ada brushes past her aunt and storms out of the house, wiping away angry tears as she slams the door behind her.  

…

When Ada gets back to Arrow house later that evening, Arthur in tow, she goes to search out Solomons. Arthur reluctantly agrees to stay behind in the kitchen and eat a late dinner. Better to have him out of the way.

Approaching the guest room, she’s instantly on edge when she notes the lack of henchman outside of it, and her suspicions are confirmed when she knocks, opens the room and finds it empty. Her heart is in her throat for all of one minute until she finds Frances, who as always knows the comings and goings of everyone in the house.

“Mister Solomons is on the phone, in the parlor downstairs,” she tells her.

“And Tommy’s with him?”

“It’s rare to see them apart, miss,” France’s says with a gentle smile.

Upstairs, she does indeed find Ishmael, poised outside of the door. Faint mumbling comes from the other side.

“Good evening, Miss Thorne,” he says and gives her a nod, but makes no move to get out of the way.

“Would you please tell Solomons I’d like a word with him,” Ada says. “Because I’m assuming you’ve been instructed not to let anyone pass?”

Standing rooted on the spot in confirmation, Ishmael raps on the door, and the mumbling cuts off. Ada’s fingers drum against her upper arms as she listens uneven steps approach, accompanied by the tap of a cane. She’s clearly been upgraded in priority, seeing as he’s willing to hang up the phone for her. Though Solomons is wearing his usual gruff expression on his scarred face as he opens the door, brow low and furrowed. Over his shoulder, she gets a glimpse of Tommy, appearing to be asleep in one of the armchairs, tucked under several blankets. Solomons dismisses Ishmael with only a jerk of the head, steps out, and closes the door with uncharacteristic gentleness.

“Michael hasn’t gone to Polly,” Ada says, not bothering with any pleasantries. Alfie scratches his beard, new creases forming between his brows.

“She say that, eh?”

“Yes. And I believe her. I’d say her surprise concerning Tommy was genuine. But the rest was… disappointing to say the least.”

Alfie rubs the bridge of his nose and looks as if a stubborn headache is coming on.

“Esther’s on her way here,” he says, adding before she can ask, “My housekeeper. Sent a car for her earlier today. Tommy feels safe with her, right, so I’m hoping that if she’s here, she can convince him to come back to Margate with her.”  

“I don’t like the idea of him being there on his own,” Ada admits and Alfie hums. 

“Neither do I. But I like the idea of him staying here even less. Would give me some peace of mind, knowing he’s somewhere he feels safe.”

“You could stay with me instead,” she hears herself offering. “If it’d help. I’ve got a house, not far away. Used to live full time in London but I felt I was needed here.”

Too bad she realized it far too late.

Alfie tilts his head and watches her with that uncannily intense gaze. Ada might’ve faced many dangerous men, but something about it makes her squirm, though be it internally. Outwardly she simply cocks an eyebrow.

“Tommy doesn’t take well to new places,” Alfie says. And by God if those eyes don’t go soft just at the mention of her brother’s name. “But I suppose it’s an option, if he still doesn’t want to go home. Fewer ghosts perhaps.”

“Does he still see… things that aren’t there?”

“What did she say then, your aunt?” Alfie says, ignoring her question.

“Nothing I’d like to repeat,” she admits. And feels ashamed. She’s ashamed that her aunt would think so callously of Tommy. But to Alfie she says, “She loves Tommy. I know she does. And I know she refused to visit because it was easier to hold onto her anger rather than facing his suffering, and it’s made her fucking blind. But she’ll come around.”

The warmth has left Solomons’ eyes.

“We don’t tell Tommy about this,” he says. “It’ll just upset him. He cares far too much about what you lot think about him. So trust me on this, yeah?”

Ada snorts at that, but admittedly Alfie is right. She itches for a cigarette.

“Just so we’re clear here, I don’t know if I do trust you, Solomons,” she says. “But I’ve decided to, because Tommy clearly does. But I swear, if you do anything to hurt him-“

“Let me guess, you’ll give me the standard Peaky Blinders treatment, eh? What’s that, cutting off various body parts and feeding them to a carnivorous horse you’ve got stashed away somewhere?”

“I know one particular body part that would be high up on that list.”

“Well, don’t you worry, miss Thorne. I won’t be giving you a reason to take such drastic measures. I’d like all my limbs in general to stay secured to my person, and that part in particular. Happen to be pretty attached to that. Me and your brother both.”

Ada ignores the infuriating grin on his face and the implications that she’d rather avoid thinking about.

“Do you love my brother?” she asks instead.

For once, Solomons looks caught off guard, and she feels almost triumphant when colour rises to his cheeks under the beard.

“You have some fucking nerve,” he grunts. “That’s not the kind of question you just go around asking men about other men. Especially men of my standing-“

“Well do you? Because Tommy deserves to be with someone who loves him. No matter how broken he is.”

“I’m going to forget you ever asked me,” Alfie says. “Because it’s none of your fucking business. Now if you excuse me I’m going to finish this call and get Tommy to bed.”

He closes the door in her face.

[pokemoncreepypasta]

Forever Mine

[STORY SOURCE]

I live in one of those small towns with a big community. It feels like everyone knows each other, and parents would visit their friends and leave their kids to mess around with each other. Classes in school weren’t very large.

So when there’s news about a kid dying, it travels at god-speed. 

Everyone at school kept talking about the death of this girl who was probably a year behind me.

I didn’t know her personally. I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you her name if everyone wasn’t talking about her.

I didn’t want to pick up gossip about how she died. I decided to attend her funeral myself. Not because we were friends or anything, but I did want to show my respect for this girl and her family.

The local funeral home was within biking range of my house, so I set off.

I sat awkwardly as I noticed her parents. I’m not usually very good at picking up feelings from people, but I could tell that beyond their grief was disappointment and maybe even hostility.

They made me wonder what she was thinking about before she died.

After she was buried, I hung around the cemetery. I’d wished I brought flowers with me, but decided I’d give her some the next time I stopped by.

Around this time, I had been aiming to get a Sky Forme Shaymin, since it was one of my favorite Pokémon back then.

I had caught a wild Shaymin using the "Pokémon Modifier" cheat code. I was terrible at coming up with creative names. But then, I remembered the name of the girl and thought it would suit a Shaymin rather well.

“Skye.”

Little did I know that this would invite strange things to start happening to my game.

I wanted to keep this Shaymin in its Sky Forme whenever possible, so I planned on keeping it in my team 24/7, only playing during daytime, etc. I was a dirty cheater who liked putting illegal moves on my Pokémon, so I taught Skye to use Fly.

At the time, I didn’t know you needed to catch the Shaymin in Flower Paradise to receive the Gracidea Flower, so when I talked to the blonde girl NPC in Floaroma Town, I had no idea why she wouldn’t give it to me.

So I was stuck with a Shaymin that knew Fly. It was weird, and I never really grew all that attached to it. Eventually I boxed it, forgot I had it, and released it without thinking.

The next time I booted up the game, I got this message.

“The save file is corrupted. The previous save file will be loaded.”

My first instinct was panic. I didn’t have any time to think or process the initial message, because all my hours were gone. With nervous anticipation, I started up the save file to see what the damage was.

To my surprise, I found myself on an incomplete Seabreak Path. The south path to Route 224 was cut off, with a featureless Shaymin staring vacantly over the edge.

I checked my party, and found none of my team members.

Only a level 100 Dusknoir with the move Follow Me.

Very useful, I thought. I’d have to boot up my Action Replay to teach this thing Fly in order to get off the island later.

Checking my items, I noticed everything was gone, save for a single PokéBall and an Escape Rope. Neither of which seemed particularly helpful for getting me off this island.

Out of curiosity though, I decided to see if Shaymin would be at Flower Paradise. I started my trek north, lamenting the loss of my bike.

To my surprise, Shaymin was there, despite never having Oak’s Letter or triggering the cutscene with it. Its face was obstructed by flowers, but it seemed like its pink flowers were missing just like the one I saw before.

I spoke to the Shaymin, and a message appeared.

“I remember you.”

“But… You don’t remember me, do you?”

The wild Shaymin attacked, and my heart stopped at its name.

“Skye appeared!”

Featureless, like before.

I felt a knot in my stomach, not even caring about the game. Something was very clearly wrong with it, and I wanted to stop playing. But I decided I was already taking pictures of the weird stuff that was happening, and I wanted to document it in full.

Steeling my resolve, I went about my options.

Dusknoir only knew Follow Me, so it was useless to weaken the Shaymin.

Remembering the PokéBall I had, I tossed it at the Shaymin.

Most people would be ecstatic to catch a Shaymin with full HP in a PokéBall on their first try, but I got the feeling that the game was rigged. There wasn’t any triumphant music playing either, which didn’t help my feelings about it.

I tried checking my newly caught Shaymin, but my game froze upon checking my party.

Upon restarting the system and starting the game up, this message appeared.

“My heart is corrupted. Please save me.”

My save file was gone for real this time. The trainer’s name was “SINNER”.

I live in a pretty religious community, so reading this made me ill at ease.

Starting up the game again, I found myself in the Lost Tower, playing as a featureless Shaymin.

My only Pokémon was the same Shaymin, named SINNER, knowing Fly, Scary Face, Fake Tears, and Spite.

A text box appeared when I tried to leave the tower.

“Today’s the day.”

It pushed me back, preventing my exit. The only option I had was to ascend.

No random encounters happened, and all the trainers wouldn’t interact with me.

It went this way until I went to the top floor. I’m pretty sure there isn’t supposed to be a man and woman NPC standing in this spot.

"There’s nothing left to say.”

Interacting with them just prompted this text.

It was here that I noticed a staircase that wasn’t supposed to be there.

I found myself on the top of the tower. I stepped into a scripted event, and the Shaymin faced the edge without my prompt.

"It's a long way down... Are you ready?"

Hoping for some way out of this, I wanted to say “no”, so I could cheat my way out of the tower and get my game back to normal. However, upon selecting it, this text appeared.

"You've held back for long enough. It's time to go."

“SINNER used the Escape Rope.”

A battle started against the same Dusknoir as before. I was intimidated to go against a level 100 Dusknoir, but then I remembered its only move was Follow Me, so it was harmless.

I realized that if I let SINNER faint, I could go to the last Pokémon Center and escape the tower.

I used Spite, thinking that if I reduced Follow Me’s PP, the Dusknoir would use Struggle and OHKO my Shaymin.

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER used Spite!”

“But there was no target...”

Dang it.

Deciding to experiment, I came to the conclusion that there was no harm in screwing around with SINNER’s attacks until DUSKNOIR ran out of PP. I chose Fly.

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER used Fly!”

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER kept going and crashed!”

Not the KO I was expecting, but I took it nonetheless.

The game, of course, crashed as soon as my Shaymin’s cry played, leaving nothing but pleasantly ear-grating screeching sounds.

I decided to take a break from playing for a moment to process what I just witnessed. I had a lot to digest.

The only conclusion I came to was that ghosts are real and this was the same Skye as the girl who died. Which would sound insane if I didn’t have the pictures to prove it.

I choked back tears. I was afraid. Why did Skye want me to see this?

I wanted to put the game down and be done with it. But if she had a message to give me, then I felt like I had to see it through to the end.

I guess I vainly hoped she’d pass on and find peace if I listened to what she was trying to say.

Another message when I started the game up again.

“I can’t fly. I tried to.”

I found myself at Spear Pillar. The staircase to the Hall of Origin was in front of me.

My exit was gone, so I just went straight to Arceus.

A level 100 Arceus stood before me.  

Instead of sending out my Shaymin, it stayed in the field. It was now bleeding. Its status said it was fainted, but it was still able to battle somehow.

I felt cornered. There was no way a level 14 Shaymin could take on something like this. I tried to use Fly, hoping it would give me the same result as before.

“Can’t use that here.”

It wouldn’t let me use the move. Instead, I just outright try to flee.

“Can’t escape!”

“ARCEUS used Judgment!”

I braced for impact...

“The wild ARCEUS’s attack missed!”

...But was pleasantly surprised to see it miss.

“I’m not ready yet.”

The game made me flee automatically.

The screen faded to black.

“I’m not ready. I’m not ready.”

“I’m scared.”

When the screen faded back to the overworld, I found myself in the Distortion World. The portal that takes you back to the main world was gone, so the only thing I could do was explore.

I found another Escape Rope while looking around.

It was the only thing noteworthy I could find, so I started trying to think of ways to get out of here.

I tried using Fly, since SINNER still knew it.

“There’s nowhere to fly to.”

Figures.

Trying to test my other options, I went to my bag and tried using the Escape Rope.

Of course, the “There’s a time and place for everything” message still appeared.

Deciding to mess around until I got results, I went to give the Escape Rope to SINNER.

“Don’t suppose you know what to do with this?” I muttered.

The game crashed again, and it assaulted my eardrums once more. I sharply inhaled, wondering if I touched a nerve.

I took a deep breath and started the game again.

My character’s name was now Skye.

I started in Floaroma Town. The first thing I did was rush to the Pokémon Center to check on my Pokémon in the PC. Of course, they were all gone.

I’d grieve for them later, though. Maybe Skye would be nice to me and give them back.

While I was in the center, I figured it might’ve been good to heal the faint status off of the Shaymin.

Sure it is. Glad you can tell when something is suffering, nurse.

Heading outside, I talked to the blonde NPC.

“You should always give flowers to someone who has passed away.”

“It’s rude not to.”

“You got the Gracidea!”

I was suddenly feeling very guilty for not leaving flowers before.

Wondering if I could fix the poor Shaymin in my party if I used the flower on her, I went to try it.

“It won’t have any effect.” 

Of course not.

The blonde NPC turned into my Shaymin. I spoke to her.

“That won’t help me.” 

Yeah, I thought not.

At a loss of ideas on what to do next, I absentmindedly made my way to Valley Windworks and walked around in the grass.

A wild Sky Forme Shaymin appeared.

I sent out Skye, of course.

I chose the fight option, and the battle continued without me selecting a move.

“The wild SHAYMIN used Reflect!”

“Skye’s rage is building!”

“Skye used Cut!”

“She hurt herself in her confusion!”

The Sky Form Shaymin was knocked out in one hit, despite the game telling me Skye had hurt herself.

Back on the overworld, I found the mangled parts of the Sky Forme Shaymin lying in the grass. I inspected them.

“Please put me back together.”

It gave me another prompt, and I chose yes.

The screen faded to black.

And then Skye appeared again in a black abyss, with Skymin ears and flower. My trainer was nowhere to be seen.

I checked my party to see that Skye had changed again. Her cry sounded like a distorted mix of Shaymin’s two forms.

I went back to the overworld and was unable to move. Instead, a dialogue box appeared.

“Can you hear me?”

"Thank you for caring about me.”

"I can fly now.”

“Because...”

“I love you.”

My heart skipped a beat. My hands began to shake.

“You must care about me too, right?”

“So... I’m going to stay with you.”

“I won’t leave, not without someone who loves me.”

“Will you fly away with me?”

My shaky hands went to say no. I didn’t want to be like her.

"...”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“I’ll change your mind.”

“You’re mine now.”

“You’re mine forever.”

With that last line, the game froze.

The first thing I did was take the game out of the system. I decided to drop off all my Pokémon games at the nearest GameStop. I didn’t want her talking to me anymore.

So why do I feel like she’s still here?

[bowtiepastabitch]

Every day is a terrible day to be reminded that you cannot treat celebrities the way you treat your friends. I adore Michael Sheen in that vague internet para-social sense, and I am incredibly disappointed, but I'm not entirely surprised. People online are not perfect, and you cannot expect them to be.

Celebrities are just people. It sucks, but they're guaranteed to disappoint at some point. They have big platforms and even if they really do have the best intentions, which I choose to believe anyone does until proven otherwise*, they WILL fuck up. I think he's handled this extremely badly, I don't think that's really up for debate, and I do hope he realizes that and apologizes.

I also think we hold celebrities, especially those who do activism work, to insanely high standards. If someone said "hey a million people are about to read what you say about this extremely important subject you know nothing about" I would fully panic. I go to vigils and protests, I hug my Palestinian friends a little closer and give them a space to grieve, but I don't make statement because yeah, I don't feel educated enough to have people reading my words. I educate myself the best I can, but there's a lot of fake news and censorship and propaganda right now, and I never want to accidentally spread something that's untrue. There's also genuine danger, at least where I live, with people at my school getting doxxed left and right by zionists and threats of actual physical violence as well. (Reminder that if you're at a protest you should always be in nondescript clothing and wearing a face mask and follow organizer lead)

Michael is human, and humans fuck up. From what little I know of him, he's an incredibly kind person, and I can guess that he probably was trying to avoid doing unintentional harm by 'taking a side'. Yes, it made it an incredibly weak statement that doesn't properly acknowledge the horrors of the genocide happening to the Palestinian people right now. Yes, that did cause unintentional harm. I do not take that lightly.

He did, however, call for an immediate ceasefire and a free Palestine. That is something in and of itself, especially compared with how many celebs have (for some god-forsaken reason, either in willful ignorance or active hatred we may never know) put their names behind Israel. An immediate ceasefire is what we want, and it's what we've been instructed by community organizers to demand from our elected officials. His inclusion of Israeli civilians in his hopes for peace doesn't cancel that out. There is nothing inherently wrong with wishing for peace for innocent people. I also wish nothing but peace for the civilians living in Israel who are not responsible for this. The Israeli government is NOT the Israeli people.

In summary: yes he could have handled the situation better, and yes his statement could have been stronger. But celebrities are not perfect people, and idolization only leads to heartbreak. I choose to believe he's doing his best. If I were in his shoes, I cannot promise I would do a lot better, because I am also just a human doing my best.

The world is in an incredibly difficult place right now, and, at least where I am, there is a lot of tension and anxiety. This conflict has been going on longer than nearly any of us have been alive, and the increase in violence is horrific to watch from the other side of the globe. I know someone who lost 14 extended family members in one day. That is more than I think I could bear. We're all doing the best we can to support the people we love who are suffering more than we can imagine, and to do whatever small thing we can against the immense, unfathomable horrors taking place right before our eyes without end online. It's scary and awful, and I hope you take time to take care of yourself today, hold your friends close, but don't totally detach from what's going on. We must, at the bare minimum, bear witness. The Israeli government does not want us to see, so we must.

It's a scary time, and I cannot expect anyone to get everything right all the time so long as they're at least trying.

*this is obviously a statement that has like ten different qualifiers, there are obviously situations in which open hatred is identifiable and inexcusable, please do not take this as me excusing harm done

I'm sorry that came out so long, but I had a lot of thoughts and it just kept going.

well fuck michael sheen and his weak ass statement. sorry if you fashion yourself an activist and spend more time defending yourself than genocide/apartheid then genuinely what is the point ???

Yes he said Free Palestine, kinda - but we are going to hold him to a higher standard than other people. Anyone defending this - please take off off your fan tinted glasses and realise it’s a rubbish, defensive statement and he should lose your respect. Honestly his silence was better than this so

do better