#and that’s my pre-med rant for the day

[elevenfifths]

i’m gonna say it. Engaging in bigotry bc you yourself are uncomfortable with self is one of the stupidest excuses for being a fucking asshole i’ve ever heard.

Especially if you’re a fucking adult and engaging with bigotry.

For example (and the thing I’m specifically seething over), it’s morally reprehensible to try to excuse your radfem/anti-trans/terf ideologies-of-past on the grounds that you were uncomfortable with your trans identity and were in turmoil seeing the life you wanted to live in others so you turn to the internet to lambast and vilify and dehumanize trans existence? nah.

if i wanted to be born a girl and have a girl coded childhood, I wouldn’t turn to the internet and be a raging misogynist. in fact i didn’t.

if i identified as straight and saw gay folk living their bliss, i wouldn’t turn to the internet to demand all gays are fakers/dangerous/morally wrong. i saw it too much growing it up and it made me ill. i was uncomfy as hell in my then-closeted identity but it didn’t turn me into a bigot.

if i knew someone grew up Jewish, a religion i wanted to personally convert to an follow but was uncomfortable in doing so, i would not turn to the internet and become an anti-semite.

i know folks have the capacity to grow and change and everyone navigates internal acceptance differently but i can’t wrap my fucking head around this one. i can’t fully grasp turning to such a high level of hate for an entire body of people living their lives under fire from laws and bigots and cruelty and be like, yeah, i’ll join the fight of the side of hate.

and if that person moves away from hate and denouces their past bigotry, that’s great. but it is beyond any expectation that anyone affected by their cutting and venomous hate should be expected to forgive in any capacity. those hurt are allowed to fully cut ties and chose their safety and well-being.

just. fucking bonkers.

[sadie-bug345]

the gang as classes i’m taking this year 🤓☝️

is this a way for me to flex my fucked schedule? yes.

ponyboy:

AP Lit

ARE WE SURPRISED

likeeeee this is pony to a T

we’re currently reading the crucible (my school starts HELLA early in the year)

and pony is surprisingly vibing w the salem witch trials

a good amount of homework for this class, but since the majority is reading pony’s got that down

he does get super bored when they’re just taking notes though like his imagination just runs free

johnny:

APUSH ?? 🧍‍♀️

uhhh this was one i don’t really think would fit johnny but i only have 6 classes and calling “lunch” a class is reserved for steve

honestly this class is super quiet except the table i sit at with my friends so i think if johnny was with the gang (PRETEND THEY ALL GO TO SCHOOL OKAY🤨) or at least ponyboy he’d have a good old time

lots and lots and lots of notes but johnny kinda likes just independent work like that ykwim

group projects with random people suck the SOUL OUTTA HIM

darry:

sports med 2 ⚽️🏀🏈⚾️🥎‼️

darry would love this class at first solely cause there’s the word “sports” in it

this class has like 15 people in it, most are kinda jerks but he gets through it

when it comes to helping out the athletic trainer on game days after school, darry is THERE and he’s PREPARED

years of momming around teenage boys has prepared him to….tape some random kids wrist i guess

dally:

anatomy and physiology 🧍‍♀️☝️

HEAR ME OUT

first of all, i’d love to study human anatomy w him any day of the week💀🥰🤭😏😼

SECOND OF ALL, i think bros psychopathic tendencies would come out during dissection labs /j

in all seriousness though i feel like he’d be totally fearless when doing those typa labs like everyone’s kinda grossed out and scared (irl we gotta dissect a RABBIT😭🫢) and dally’s just like

”idk what yall are on about, mannn🙄”

also it’s a notoriously easy class at my school so that’s up dally’s lane for sure

two-bit:

pre calc🫢

NOW HEAR ME OUT AGAIN

the only reason i say this is because this year we got a new teacher to teach my pre calc class and she’s from some eastern european country and has an accent just like Grus from despicable me😭😭😭and that class is SO QUIET

and that’s kinda where two shines like he’ll yell out so much random shit in that class and it’s so hilarious to…

pretty much only his friends 🧍‍♀️ but that’s kinda the fun part though

lots of homework but you’re delusional if you think two-bits gonna actually do that

soda:

photo 2

the majority of the time spent in this class is just messing around on your computer which soda loves

like bro will find the most outta pocket and weird stuff to photograph

but also he gets real artsy with it sometimes just cause he’s messing around

surprisingly it turns out super good sometimes

he’s the king in general of being just as shocked as anyone that hes succeeding as a whole

steve:

LUNCH

bro struggles through the entire day just for these 20 minutes istg

like bro endures so much in classes he doesn’t understand with people he doesn’t like just for those moments😭😭

honestly that’s me during seasonal depression winter

hes the type to stop everyone during lunch and just rant about all the weird shit that happened throughout that day

like he’s def the type to see someone get jumped or do something weird in class and think

”man i gotta tell the gang about this at lunch”

actually doesn’t mind school food…😭

OK IDRK WHAT THIS WAS THIS KINDA SUCKED BUT ANYWAYS MY INBOX IS OPEN BYEEEEE🥰🥰

[strwyofthesun]

forgive me, goodbye

pairing: re2r!leon x f!reader

word count: 3k

synopsis: you and leon have been high school sweethearts and graduated together in 1990. but after graduating from military school and pre-med, trouble arises once leon becomes busy with being a police officer, while you start preparing to leave to the UK for med school.

cont: slight fluff, angst, high school sweethearts, college au, hurt/no comfort

a/n: for my filo readers, this is very loosely (like you have to squint to even realize it) based on raining in manila by lola amour because ive had lss and i can't stop listening to it!

part 2 here !

“—So, as we all bid farewell to this chapter of our lives, I want all of us to look back on what made us who were are now and look forward to the people we will become. Congratulations Class of 1990! We made it!” You exclaimed loudly into the mic. Everyone cheered and hugged one another in celebration of graduating from high school.

The principal smiled widely at you before you handed him the mic for his closing message to everyone. “Thank you to this year’s valedictorian for her heartfelt graduation speech. My dear students, I am so proud of all you. Congratulations!” Cheers and shouts once more echoed in the auditorium. You walk back into the crowd of students, looking for a certain someone. Amidst the bustling crowd, you spot him in his toga with medals around his neck, certificates and diplomas being held up on the right and a bouquet of roses in his left. You hurriedly ran towards his direction and stop right infront of him.

“There’s my valedictorian, I’m so proud of you love.” Leon said as he handed me the bouquet and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“Aww, Leon you didn’t have to…”

“Pft, I want nothing but the best for my girl. You deserve it [Y/N].”

“I love you so much Leon, I don’t think I would’ve survived high school without you.”

“I love you too [Y/N]. You’ll be fine with or without me. But of course you’re better off with me.” Leon said as he winked at me.

He was always such a tease. Ever since 7th to 12th grade, you couldn't believe that out of all the traits that he could keep, it had to be that one. But, it was okay, after all, all that teasing did lead you to fall for him and it was the best thing to have ever come out of your high school experience. People always said you had your head stuck in a book 24/7 and that you had no chance at love if all you ever look at was texts on a book. But now, they’re eating their words, because not only are you in the happiest and healthiest relationship with the school’s heartthrob, but your relationship with Leon outlasted almost all of your batchmates’s relationships combined. Not only that, but you also graduated valedictorian of your batch and was always a consisted honor student while dating Leon.

You had to admit that you and Leon were a walking cliché. Top student falls for the school’s heartthrob, where haven’t you seen that? But God, even if it was a cliché it was the best thing to have ever happened to you. It wasn’t always smooth sailing though. In 7th grade, Leon was always a pain in the ass to you, and it didn’t help that you were always paired up in almost every pair or group activity and project given. He wasn’t always so cooperative, he teased and picked at you, and he was always pre-occupied with either his friends or football. Yes, he was a jock, an irritatingly good-looking one at that.

He never really noticed your efforts when it came to those pair and group assignments the both of you had until one day, in chemistry class, you had held your head down, planning to rest for a little while. Little did you know that you would be waking up in the hospital. The doctor said that you had overworked your body so much to the point where your immune system had weakened drastically. Leon heard this and visited you the following day in the hospital. Your parents were aware of Leon being a big weight on you because you’d always rant to them about him so it was no surprise that when Leon entered your hospital room, he wasn’t exactly greeted warmly by your parents. Even so, they left you and him to talk privately.

“Hey [Y/N]…” Leon said as he looked at the floor. “Um, I brought you some flowers, roses, to um, brighten up your room.” He said awkwardly

You looked at him up and down with a sour look on your face before thanking him. “Thanks… Leon…” He sighed and sat at the foot of your bed.

“Look, I’m sorry… I should’ve helped you out. If I known this would’ve happen-“

“Well, it’s a bit too late for that don’t you think?” I spat back as I cut Leon off.

“I know, I know… So, to make up for it, I’ve told the teacher about me not cooperating and they have decided not to affect your grade because of my shortcomings. I’ve also come here to ask you what other assignments we have so that I can do it while you’re here. I promise I will prepare a good quality output, I’ll send it to you for checking so that you won’t have to worry.”

You were surprised at Leon’s sudden change of heart and were touched by his dedication to make things right for you. You face softened and you breathed out a small sigh.

“Thank you Leon, I’ll send you a list of what needs to be done later on. Thank you for visiting too…” You smile timidly.

“Please, don’t thank me, it’s the least I could do after everything I’ve caused.”

“Come on Leon, accept my thanks, it’s not all the time I get to say that to you.” I joked.

“Alright, alright. Fine, I accept the thanks and you are welcome. I’ll leave you be now. Rest up, recover quick okay?”

“Okay.”

Leon gave you a smile before turning around to leave, but before he left the hospital, he talked to your parents and apologized for the trouble. He even offered to pay the medical expenses to which my parents declined. They said that if you forgave him, then they forgave him too.

On school days while you were at the hospital, Leon would always text you at lunch about what happened during the morning classes and at the end of the day, he’d text you again to tell you what happened during the afternoon classes. He gave you notes, the assignments, recorded lectures, and even stuck to his word about sending you the group works. He really did seemed like a changed man.

8th grade came around and Leon had confessed his feelings for you, to which you reciprocated. And from then on, the two of you have been dating ever since. And something you love about Leon was that he knew that you were a strong, capable, and independent person. He never interfered with your plans and always emphasized that he wanted you to always prioritize yourself over everyone else including himself. Leon supported you in all your endeavours, the competitions, the events, everything. He was and always is your number one fan and you will always be his. Every game he had, you were present. You stood in the front bleachers with the largest banner out there and screamed your head off every time he scored a point. You were everyone’s typical movie high school couple.

“So Leon, what’s your plans for college?” You asked curiously. He never really talked about what he wanted for his future but since we were now high school graduates, it was high time to start thinking about our future plans.

“Oh, actually, I enrolled into a military academy in Raccoon City!” He said excitedly.

“Looks like someone’s excited.” You chuckle.

“Well, yeah! I mean I’ve always wanted to help people out and I think this is a good place to start.”

“I’m so glad you’re doing something you’re passionate about, love.”

“I’m assuming you’ll be pursuing your pre-med course in the city as well?”

“Mhm, that’s right. I can’t believe how fast time flies. We used to be dumb kids arguing over assignments and look at us now.”

Leon looked at you and grabbed you by the waist to pull you into a hug. “I didn’t expect myself to fall for a brainy genius like yourself.”

“And I didn’t expect myself to fall for a sweetheart of a jock but here we are.” you said as the both of you laughed together.

Summer went by and you and Leon had moved to Raccoon City to pursue each other’s passions. The 4 years passed the two of you quickly and you were soon attending each other’s graduation. Seeing Leon in his uniform standing proud and tall made you feel all sorts of things. You can’t believe how far he’s come. Saying you were proud of him was an understatement. At your graduation, you spotted Leon from the stage along with your parents holding up a camera and recording you. He was the absolute cutest boyfriend out there. He treated you and your parents out at an expensive restaurant in the city to celebrate. While at the dinner table, your phone starts ringing. You check to see who was calling you and saw that it was one of your professors from your university. You excused yourself from the table and picked up the incoming call.

“Good evening Ms. [L/N]”

“Good evening madam, is there something you would like to discuss with me?”

“As a matter of fact, there is. If you remember, I helped you apply for a prestigious medical school in the UK yes?”

“Yes, I recall.”

“I come bearing good news! You have been accepted on a full scholarship! I am so proud of you Ms. [L/N].”

You covered your mouth from shock and turned back to look at your parents and Leon who seemed very curious about the call.

“Thank you so much madam for helping me with this opportunity. I will get back to you with my answer in a few days.”

“No problem, take your time. But if I were you, I would grab the opportunity already.”

“I have to consult my parents first madam but I appreciate the incentive.”

“Alright, please do inform me later on your decision. Goodbye and congrats!”

Your professor dropped the call and you go back to the table with Leon and your parents and let them know the good news.

“Oh my God! I’m so proud of you [Y/N]! We’ll pack your stuff right away once we get home!” Your mom said eagerly.

“I’ll help you pack too!” Your dad chimed in.

You laugh at the reactions of you parents but realized that Leon had been rather silent.

“Leon?” you said as you held his hand under the table.

“Hmm? Oh! I’m so proud of you too, love. I can’t believe you’ll be studying in another country…” Leon said as his voice slowly faded. You squeezed his hand and looked at him with a face of concern. Before he could speak again, the waiter had given Leon the bill which he paid for and later your parents left earlier than you leaving Leon and you behind.

“Love, is there something bothering you?”

“I’m… I’m gonna miss you a lot [Y/N]… But, I don’t want to hold you back, you know that.”

“Oh Leon…” You pulled him into an embrace and said, “I’ll miss you too Leon. But I’m not leaving yet, so let’s make most of my time here okay?”

“Okay… I love you [Y/N]…”

“I love you too Leon…”

In a few days, you started getting ready to make your big move to the UK. Meanwhile, Leon had begun working as a police officer in the Raccoon City Police Department. He was always preoccupied with his job and you were busy with all the files you needed to tend to and the preparations you had to ready for med school and all the other likes. As the days progressed, the stress started to feel overwhelming and it did not help that Leon was not as available as much as he used to be. You respected his time and if he wouldn’t want to hold you back, you wouldn’t hold him back either. So you kept to yourself. All the stress, the worry, the nagging thoughts of moving to a new country alone, the pressure put on you by your professor was immense, all of it was driving you borderline insane. Juggling everything on your own felt so tiring but you never once thought of asking Leon or anyone for that matter for help because you did not want to bother them and because you wanted this for yourself. You had no one but yourself to blame. But the opportunity is right there, and you couldn't risk it slipping through your fingers.

It was a week ‘till your departure and Leon had finally decided to visit you after his long shifts at the RPD.

“Hi love, are you ready for the big trip?” He asked while trying to put on a smile on his face but it was evident that he was too tired to even put an effort.

“I don’t know Leon…” you responded.

“What’s the matter?” he asked sounding concerned.

You snapped at Leon and sarcastically replied, "Oh, thanks for finally asking.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think Leon? You haven’t even bothered to check up on me all those days ago?”

“Well I’m sorry if I got too busy with work!”

“Too busy? Would it have killed you to send me at least one text asking how I was?!”

“I didn’t want to disturb you! I knew that you could handle it on your own.”

“But Leon I needed you! Where were you when I needed you?! I was practically going insane already!"

A deafening silence fell upon the room and no one dared to look at each other in the eye. You broke the silence and spoke up once more.

“Look Leon, if this is the current state of our relationship now, I fear that this won’t last once I’m further away.”

“[Y/N]… Are you…?”

“I’m breaking up with you Leon.” You never imagined those words ever coming out of your mouth but there it was, seemingly echoing in all four corners of the room making it all the more painful that it already was.

“You can’t be serious [Y/N]…”

“I am serious Leon. I can’t do this anymore…”

“Fine.” Leon said as he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

You watch him leave as tears start to run down your face. It hurt that you had to do what you did, but seeing how he didn’t even fight for the relationship broke you even more. At the back of your head, you were relieved because now, he wouldn’t have to face the days where he would need you but you were not there for him. He wouldn’t have to constantly worry about you and your well-being. He wouldn’t have to miss you so much that it made his heart ache that he could not see you. You have spent 10 years with each other and were now so used to each other presence. Being away from him pained you as much as it pained him, and nothing could have eased that.

It's 2 hours ‘till departure, you’re at the airport simply passing the time while your parents kept you company. 1 hour left, you start to remember all the memories you’ve made in the city and can't help but shed a tear because all you could ever think off was Leon. 30 minutes, your parents comfort you and held you in their arms as you cried and wallowed in your sadness. 20 minutes, you compose yourself as your flight is near. 10 minutes, bid your farewell to your parents and start walking to the gates until you heard a voice call your name.

You turned around to look for where the voice came from, “Leon?” You mutter as you frantically search amongst the people looking for him. You spotted Leon dashing towards you and threw his arms around you as a desperate attempt to keep you for leaving just yet.

“[Y/N] please, just wait…” he panted.

“Leon, I need to board the plane, I have to go-“

“Please… think about it, think about us. I know long distance is hard but it’s something we can get through together! I know we can! So please! Don’t just leave me like this…” Leon begged as he pulled away to face you. His eyes were swollen and red, you could tell he had been crying for days straight.

“You know it’s not just about us… You have your whole future ahead of you, and I have mine. Don’t let me stop you from that.”

“But I don’t see my future without you in it. Please let me be selfish for once let me ask you for us to try again.”

“You know I can’t do that Leon…”

Leon looked at you with glass eyes and let you go. “I’ll be waiting for you [Y/N]… However long it takes."

“Leon… Don't...” You cupped his cheek and caresses it gently wiping away his tears.

“Forgive me, goodbye.” You let go of Leon and kissed him one last time before turning your back on him and walking straight to the gates. You hear Leon’s sobs and it took everything in you not to look back, when all you wanted to do was run into his arms and say “I do want you back, I’m sorry for trying to leave you.” But you couldn’t. You knew deep down that you couldn’t bring yourself to throw everything away for Leon. And you knew that he knew it too.

As the plane took off, you look out of the window and silently said goodbye to the life you once had and said hello to the new life you will live.

[the-trans-folk-witch]

Post Herbalist, Pre Pre-Medical traditional Witchcraft: a Joke but a reality.

Before I hand feed you my BITTER solar-infused coffee-induced rant, let me give a few ( comically self made) definitions: *see notes

Post Herbalist witchcraft: "energy work**" and magics that are performed by peoples with no means, funds, or ability to obtain herbs and knowledge of herbal medicine for magic and health. This loss of knowledge is due to colonization, fear of herbalisms ties to witchcraft, and the push for modern"white medicine. Note*- I fucking hate the term energy work, yet the magic itself is very very real and used by me.

Pre Pre-Medical witchcraft: -Not to be confused with Pre-med schooling in preparation for grad school.- Pre Pre-medical is what I call the average knowledge of modern medicine that the average person can obtain by ways of public K-12 schooling and the internet. Its place in witchcraft is the knowledge of medicine and the dangers of herbs and or anti-vaxx/med dangers within magical communities. In essence, Pre Pre-medical witchcraft is the belief in modern medicine as well as magical healing methods. Not to be confused with holistic healing which is utter bullshit when taught as completely factual in organized religious spaces.

With these definitions explained less blurred in the mind of the greater trad witch community, and ignorant tumblr onlookers, I move on to my spiel.

As a professional witch, conjurer, seer, and drama queen, I struggle to find a home amongst communities that have watered down witchcraft for a younger, whiter, and less informed audience. Gone are the days of nuance and professionalism. Today is now ruled by forever-beginners, eternal-newbs, and influencers turned teachers. With this post I hope to separate the wheat from the chaff and find the cream of the crop.

To practice witchcraft in a time where herbs are expensive yet taught as the only means to perform spells; and at a time when cities and suburbs have ruined free access to native plants; I find myself performing more prayer and power based magics. No longer do i spend money on herbs, candles and the like. Nor do I plan to purchase the land required to grow my own. I invest in verbal charms, prayer, writing, movement, and my own bodily secretions. I jokingly call this "Post herbalist Pre Pre-Medical witchcraft."It is more informed and rooted in history than generic "energy work". And is less concerned with the consumerism that is forced upon modern witches via herbs and more. The joke is the name is so humorously long and ignorant that it kind of works. I expect the internet will love it considering you folks love putting every adjective before "witch" such as "solar witches" and "crystal witches". Although I suspect people looking for such titles do not have the attention span to read this wordy blog post.

In 2020 I challenged myself to go a year without spending a dollar on my magic. Here we are in 2024 and I'm still going. Yes I use plant materials. Yes I buy things for spirit offerings. But no. I don't have a huge cabinet of herbs and candles. I fully rely on my spirits, my witchflame, the land, and my body to produce magic. No money required. I could spend another fifteen paragraphs explaining how to do so. But alas, i don't care to share. As I said, I am done engaging with forever-newbs who are at the same place they started in witchcraft ten years ago.

I hope my short yet long* rant leads you to... something useful

*note: this is actually a very short read. But in the modern internet sphere we are all unable to process information that's not in video format consisting of no more than 2 minutes. so this is a long post nowadays. hehe im really on a soap box today. sorry im so bitter.

[questbarh8er]

rant tw

hi.

some stuff⭐️writing this nice and long winded bcs personally reading these helps to distract me

i haven’t been properly active on here bcs i’ve disappointed myself so much!!!!!!! wow. i gained like 10 pounds right before prom, and hated myself for it. i can’t help but have specific visions for how i want to look for certain events (like a concert, or field trip), it gives me something additional to look forward to. in my mind, if i look good (sk1nny), ill have much more fun.

so i hated most prom pics, and almost any pic i’ve taken since then. i’m around 146lbs rn. gosh. i’m doing what i can to get back, but i’ve noticed stuff.

it’s very easy to turn on my f4sting app and just not eat for a bunch of hours, but once i turn it off, im back to where i’ve started. i stopped going on tmblr for a while bcs it made me feel kinda anxious/nauseous, but it helps me to curb my appetite.

i’m trying to just limit how many snacks i eat instead of meals, bcs that’s my biggest problem. rn i’m taking meds bcs of an accident i got myself into, and i have to eat food with them to avoid feeling sick.

my system rn (it’ll change bcs im almost out of meds, and there’s no refills):

pre breakfast + pill: 50cal rice cake

breakfast: yogurt + granola ~250cal, or cereal ~250cal, or oatmeal ~350cal

“lunch” (before my shift): an apple

break + pill: rice cake 50cal

this has kinda… worked..? like, for the most part, i do the stuff, but i still keep snacking. i’m so conscious of my eating habits, that i never know if im actually satisfied, so upping my portions doesn’t fully work. it’s like im experimenting with how big and bloated can i make myself before my shift. and then i get home at like 9pm, and stuff my face with bullshit..

the best thing abt my job is that i have to walk around a lot, so i end up generally getting a lot of steps, even if it is slow. that’s good, especially if i go on a walk in the morning and already pass my move goal.

i guess i just feel like im stuck bcs of the faux recovery i kinda went through. before, i was able to eat as little as possible and not think much abt it. id forgotten what it was like to be full/slightly satisfied, bcs i hadn’t really known to begin with.

now that i’ve stuffed my face too much, it’s so hard to cut back on cals when my biggest problem, for my whole life, has always been me prioritizing snacks over meals.

i don’t have motivation to fit the standards of another person, now it’s just gotta be me. i want to have pictures taken of me and not worry about how my body looks. i want less pics of me eating, more of anything fuckin else.

also, before this mega relapse, i was so unaware and uneducated on cals. like i genuinely thought 1k was a lot. now im not even sure how it’s possible to eat less in a day. what’s wrong with me. i’m so sick but i don’t know how to make it worse anymore. gosh.

[jodiellie]

Day 4: Born Day (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ (16/05/2024)

Health

Water intake: 340mL (I totally forgot to monitor myself today because I kept trying to have fun on my birthday AAAAAAA)

Sleep: 3:00am - 11:30am (we slightly better 👀)

Daily vitamin C intake ❌

Allergy meds ❌

At least I did some stretches before I went to bed LORD

As usual, link will be linked below :> my hips and lower back were in a lot of pain so this rly helped! It's also a nice way to go to bed by relaxing your muscles first~

10-Min Bedtime Stretching Exercises — Pre-sleep Flow (beginners)

Mind

S3EP5 of Supernatural

Played Sky: Children of the Light the first time with my friend :3

My dad bought me The Tenants game for my birthday uwu so I played it asdjnsfnddf it's rly fun! Recommend it for people who enjoys tycoon, relaxing, and/or organizational games!

Food

Lunch: Donut sandwich and three layered milk tea ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Dinner: Shakshuka, honey & banana porridge, pumpkin pasta, soju cake, ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ and chocolate (all of the food are shared with my family btw, I'm not inhaling full plates of it ASDJNSDNF)

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡🪐༘⋆

Notes

Crying because today is supposed to be my birthday and I spent a lot of time with my family and friends celebrating it to the point I ended up almost forgetting to take care of my needs? ASNNSDDNF I think it's mainly because I haven't make it a habit yet, after all it takes at least a month to make something a habit. Hopefully by the end of 30 days, I'll be able to make some of these stuff, like water intake and sleep, into a more habitual routine ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-

***Emotional rant about birthday below (to log in my negative feelings about today but pls skip it if you're not comfortable)***

Other than that, emotionally I started feeling a little sad? I think it's because I wasn't celebrating my birthday with as much loved ones as I was last year. Mostly because of things that happened along the year that made me and my friends drifted apart. Idk, I think part of me is also saddened by a friend of mine that didn't give me a gift for my birthday? It's not really about the gift really because they did ask me what do I want and I said "i don't really know." I was more saddened at how they didn't seem to put in much effort into trying to celebrate my birthday? I've always gifted them things they like on theirs and try my best to spend a lot of time with them. But for me, it just feels like any other day and they dropped the question without giving me anything after I said idk what I want. Idk, maybe I'm just not seeing things in their pov and they're just a clueless dummy. They did tell me before how they've never rly gifted gifts to their loved ones other than me. And they've always just gift gifts randomly rather than on a special day. So idk, maybe I'm just not feeling well emotionally and this just clouded my judgement of them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But looking at the more positive side, I have my family who's always there. No matter how much I might have disappointed them, they're still here for me. So honestly, that's good enough for me, even if it feels bittersweet.

[blaaaaask]

I tried out one of those personality quizzes and got INTJ-T.

Didn't even realize they had that extra letter.

Anyone else take one of these and you're like 'Well, that certainly explains a lot.'

Quote from the website:

Some personality types are drawn to jobs that require nonstop teamwork and interaction, but INTJs tend to prefer positions that offer independence. By working alone or in small groups, they can make the most of their creativity without constant interruptions from curious coworkers or second-guessing supervisors. They really do believe that if they want something done right, they’d better do it themselves.

End quote.

So, this leads me to a kind of funny story. I quit my desk job about a year ago because they wanted to change remote workers(3+ years) to "hybrid" (aka, slowly change us from our remote positions to in-office for X amount of days. I'm not stupid, I know eventually this would lead to going back to full time in-office. This is just them slowly boiling the frog.)

I, of course, resisted. Sent emails, had meetings, jumped through 100 different hoops. It was literally causing me so much stress that my doctor was trying to recommend anxiety meds (please note, the anxiety was not there until this stupid debacle happened?) I would write/tell HR endless reasons why I could not return to in-office working any longer (pre COVID times), but each person I had to talk to never read half the crap I wrote. And they kept saying 'well, would it be fair though?' Which, I pointed this out, that there were numerous people in various departments who were men who were within similar driving distances as myself who were staying remote and were not being questioned. But I, as a female, and all the female coworkers I had talked to, were facing the same requests.

I didn't want to be 'that girl' that pointed things like that out, but uh, it felt like a glaring oversight.

My department head had also just changed, and instead of having a boss who was eager to help me (he said as long as you're working, do whatever works.) New boss was like 'you need to follow the rules, I am not going to support you.'

So, with the issue sitting before me of 'do I follow their rules just because it pays well?' or 'do I leave, and pursue something I love?'

I quit.

I put in two weeks, which was hellish but freeing.

I have not looked back. My department was ultra small, so it felt sad to drop the ball on them like that, but I am not to be fucked around with. And I have put everything into my art here, my writing, and trying to build my own income. It is going slow (as in, I am making nothing right now) but what can I say? I absolutely love what I'm doing now.

Will I need to go back into reality at some point and get another job? It's possible.

Am I going to keep trucking away otherwise? You bet.

Moral of the story: Fuck those fucking fuckers, hahaha. But seriously, if you have found a means to work in an environment that works for you, do NOT feel like you have to change it!!

As I told them in my emails: if you're getting into gardening, and you have multitude of plants with varying needs, you tend to them following those instructions. Some need direct light. Some need dark spaces. Some like it hot. Some like it cold. You cannot uproot all your plants and put it into one box because 'it is easier to water that way.' You will kill off some of your most unique plants this way. You will end up with all of the same plants.

Also just random tldr: Fuck office jobs. And office culture.

Okay thanks for reading my rant. :)

[anotherfuckingmarvelfanaccount]

Stephen’s Birthday

My Masterlist

Okay, so part of this wound up me being able to rant about random space knowledge that I have due to a class that I’m taking right now called Earth & Space Science. So, therefore, y’all get some space talk.

Pairing(s): Stephen Strange x Reader

Warnings: Space talk, Reader being nerds with Bruce and Peter, Stephen not knowing how to fix the space issues, mentions of Stephen’s car accident but not in detail, Stephen gets drunk because he’s not driving, clingy!stephen when he’s drunk, reader takes care of him, Stephen has nightmares due to the accident.

Word Count: 1911

Summary: You invite some of Stephen’s friends out for his birthday, after the dinner you take care of your very drunk fiancé.

Being engaged to Stephen Strange hasn’t always been easy. 8 months ago, he got in the car accident that almost took his life, and when he realized he would have a very hard time ever using his hands again, he went on a complete mental break. You wouldn’t let him push you away though, you had honestly seen Stephen in much worse states than this, as the two of you met in university while he was starting his pre med program and you were starting your program in astrophysics. (Stars are cool as fuck, sue me.) You shaved for Stephen, drove him everywhere he needed to go, and even went to the Kamar-Taj with him. You could do the basics of magic, but nothing like Stephen could do now. 

In doing so, you had taken a sabbatical from your research job at the university that you and Stephen both went to, claiming that you were studying the stars in other parts of the world. Which you actually were, as Stephen would portal the both of you around the world to study eclipses and other astronomical events like meteor showers and the other planets lining up perfectly.

When Stephen became the Sorcerer Supreme, he moved back to the New York Sanctum, and you moved with him, returning from your sabbatical and writing multiple papers on everything you saw, sending it to other professors you had consulted with along the way for proof-reading and credits. 

Finally back to what had become your new normal, you spent your days studying the universe and your new project was attempting to figure out what dark energy really was. Generally, physicists, astrophysicists, and other people interested in space knew that dark energy was an invisible force opposing gravity, pulling galaxies within the universe apart, making up about 75% of the universe. Dark matter, which many physicists study represents about 21% of the universe, appears to be subatomic particles that we can’t see due to the fact that it rarely interacts with other matter. And then there’s the matter that we can see, making up 4% of the observable universe, as it’s unknown what we can actually see because at a certain point, when we’re seeing light years away, we can’t see that far back in time.

“Darling, not to disregard your work, but you’ve told me this a million times.”

“I know, Stephen! But I can’t figure it out!” You exclaimed, flopping down on the bed.

Stephen kissed your forehead softly, “Well, why don’t we not think about it tonight? We have reservations.”

“I know we do. Happy birthday, honey.” You pulled him in for a kiss.

“You’ve wished me a happy birthday about a million times already today, darling. And we don’t exactly have time to start something here.”

“I wouldn’t dream of having you miss reservations at your favourite restaurant with your favourite people.” You told him, standing up and pulling your favourite dress out of the closet.

Stephen raised an eyebrow at you through the mirror. “Is it not just dinner with you and me?” You shook your head, chuckling at the incredulous look on his face. “Who else have you invited? Because you are my favourite person in the world, darling.”

“Christine and her husband, since I know they’re the only two coworkers at the hospital that you could stand. And also Tony Stark and Bruce Banner because I know you tolerate them now that you’re an Avenger.” At that moment, you got a text from Tony. “And Tony is bringing this kid that he’s essentially adopted, that's actually SpiderMan, apparently his name is Peter.”

“A kid? Really?” Stephen asked, uninterested.

You read the next message from Tony as it came in. “Apparently he’s 16 and goes to that highschool for super smart kids in Queens. Peter Parker.”

Stephen mused, quickly lost in thought now that you’d recaught his attention. “I wonder if there’s any relation to a nurse I used to work with at the hospital, May Parker.” He tied his tie shakily, throwing his hands in the air when he couldn’t do it like he used to.

“Oh, come here, honey. We have to get going anyway.” You said, swiping on some makeup, tying Stephen’s tie, and dragging him out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The car ride was silent on the way to the restaurant, as it usually was when Stephen was in a slight mood regarding his hands, so you knew not to turn on the radio. 

Getting out of the car, you were greeted by Christine, her husband, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, and Peter Parker. Obviously Tony or Pepper had dragged Peter out to get a new suit as his tie was crooked, which you quickly fixed after reassurance that it was okay that you did so.

You all sat down at a table in the back, Tony using his money to make sure that it was as private as possible and quickly started up a conversation. Which, conveniently, was Peter asking you about what you did for work. When you explained the predicament that you were in with dark energy, and that you were letting other scientists focus on dark matter, both Peter and Bruce immediately had ideas on how to establish its existence, which had you promising to bring them to the research room at the university one day next weekend and adding both their names to your next paper if they ended up helping with a discovery.

After all the space talk had died down (not without Tony chipping in more ideas, all of which you noted in your phone quickly so as to not forget them), Stephen’s least favourite topic came up, his car crash. “So, Stephen, how are your hands doing? You look good.” Christine asked.

“I- um, I still shake a lot, Y/N helps me with a lot of things, but I’m still very shaky, even with the magic.”

“Couldn’t you do what that one guy did that used his knowledge of magic to walk again, just with your hands?” Tony asked carefully.

Stephen shrugged, grasping your thigh under the table with his left hand. “I’ve never tried, but hands are so sensitive anyway that I don’t think it would be beneficial to.” You used your non-dominant hand to squeeze Stephen’s hand in reassurance. 

Pepper was able to see what a sensitive topic this was for Stephen and immediately started up a new conversation. “So, Peter, what have you been learning in school?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After dinner, the 9 of you stayed in the back of the restaurant talking, after you had paid, none of you really wanting to go home yet. Eventually Peter remembered that he had school in the morning and so Tony and Pepper left to drive him home. Natasha gave you her number with a promise to keep in touch, knowing what it’s like to be in a male-dominated profession and telling you that she would always be a listening ear if you needed one. She and Bruce left not long after with a promise of Bruce coming to the university next weekend to help you with your issue.

Christine and her husband left shortly after, with Christine apologizing to Stephen before she left for bringing up his hands after the accident. You and Stephen were the last to leave, slowly making your way to the car as Stephen was feeling you up.

“Oh, honey. Did you have a bit too much to drink?” You asked, wrapping one of your arms behind his back.

“No.” He mumbled, nuzzling into your neck. “I just love you. You take such good care of me, darling.” 

You chuckled, helping him to the car a little faster. “Aw, honey, you really are drunk.” You unceremoniously dumped Stephen in the passenger seat, buckling him in and closing the car door behind him before going around to the other side of the car.

In the time it took you to walk around to the other side of the car, Stephen had turned on the radio, changed the station, and turned on the heated seat and steering wheel for you, knowing how cold you can get in the middle of November. “Love you so much darling, thank you so much for everything that you do for me.” Stephen said, looking at you with lovestruck eyes.

“I love you too.” You said, kissing his forehead softly before buckling yourself into the car and pulling out of the parking lot. “Now, let’s take you home, my drunk fiancé.”

“‘M not drunk.” He mumbled, starting to hum along to the song on the radio. “Can we fuck at home?”

“You are drunk, my love. That’s the only time you swear.” You parked the car in the special underground part of the Sanctum that nobody knows about, and practically carried Stephen upstairs to your bedroom. “Okay, let’s get you out of your nice fancy suit, okay honey?”

“Whatever you say my sweet, darling wife.” Stephen said, stripping out of his suit as quickly as possible and laying on top of the sheets naked.

You looked over at him fondly, watching as he waited for your next instruction. “You wanna sleep naked tonight, hun?” He nodded frantically, almost like an overtired toddler. “Alright sweetheart. Let me just get into some pajamas.”

“No!” Stephen exclaimed. “Want you to sleep naked too!”

You chuckled softly. “Okay, honey. Let me just take my makeup and jewelry off and get out of my dress, okay?”

“Okay.” He mumbled, rolling onto his side to watch you. Before getting undressed, you filled Stephen a glass of water and made him drink it down. You refilled it and put it on the nightstand, placing a bottle of Advil next to it so Stephen could take them in the morning. 

Getting undressed, you looked at Stephen through the mirror again. “You know how much I love you, right, Stephen?”

“Of course I do, darling. Now c’mere.” He said, making grabby hands at you. You crawled in bed with him, dragging Stephen under the covers with you. You curled up against Stephen, resting your head on his chest and throwing one arm across his torso while he had one arm behind your back, keeping you close to him. “I know I don’t say it enough, my love, but I love you with every fiber of my being, and I’m so happy we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.”

His voice rattled your head softly as he spoke, and you felt as though it was his soul speaking directly to yours. “I love you too, Stephen, so much so that I don’t even know how to put it into words.” You said, pulling him in for a kiss where you tried to tell him everything you couldn’t say. “Can we go to sleep now?” You asked softly after the two of you broke apart for air.

“I’m scared.” He whispered. “What if I have a nightmare again?”

“I’ll be right here to protect you and hum you back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” Stephen said softly. “But would you sing me to sleep first? It might help.” You started humming whichever song Stephen had played on the radio earlier, and whatever song came to mind afterwards, not stopping until a few minutes after you felt Stephen’s breathing even out.

You softly drew shapes on Stephen’s chest until you fell asleep. “I’ll always protect you, sweetheart. I love you.”

[sesshy380]

Wordcount for the day: 548

Most of this was done before work. Brain was being nice for a change and coming up with lots of great ideas to fix 90 WiP and keep it on track (for a change)...but then my son's teacher had to go an leave me a voice mail.

The voicemail was 2.5 minutes long. It took him 1.5 minutes to get to the point and say 'I think you should get Son on some medication for ADHD because he zones out in class'. I wonder why???

I'm now spending mental energy prepping myself for a phone call tomorrow (assuming weather doesn't cancel school) to politely tell said teacher to 'fuck off'. The class in question is just before lunch period. Son has recently missed a day because his blood sugar dropped overnight and it made him physically sick. I have an appointment scheduled to get his A1C checked, and to determine if he might have either pre-diabetes or hypoglycemia. There is a strong family history for both (husband is type 1 diabetic).

Sorry if i seem ranty about this, but it drives me crazy that when a student has issues with focus they immediately jump to 'I think your kid needs focus meds', instead of asking themselves if there's a possible underlying health condition. The teacher in question even had the gall to say to my son out loud in front of the other students that he probably stayed up too late playing video games and that's why he was tired in his class!

I just want to scream. I'm not one of those 'My kid is failing because you're a shit teacher' kind of moms. I'm more 'As long as he knows the important stuff to get him through life, I could care less if he remembers the Pythagorean Theorem' kind of moms. And I am trying to figure out the best way to word things so this teacher actually understands that he crossed a line, and not that I'm being a 'Karen'.

Okay...rant done. I apologize. Just needed to vent my frustrations.

[factorialsfandoms]

ack it sounds like you had a crazy day 🥴

Honestly? Yesterday wasn't so bad in the scheme of the last... month? two months? Honestly bar 'I don't have the help I need' problem it was fine up until a time which was technically today when housemate handed me my post. It just keeps going.

I'm just really hoping I do actually go for my night away at the end of the month, because I extremely need the break.

Below follows a rant.

In the post was a letter from the hospital which /sounded/ like a discharge letter. I have not had the test the doctor wanted done yet, only a different test I'd previously had done but was told I had to redo to be allowed the new one as it'd been a year. The pre-test test picked up a /different/ thing to what I was seeing him about and he seems to have assumed that was the entire problem. I know its different - I have two unique symptom sets one of which is multiple times a day which is annoying but livable (the one which happened while I had the monitor) and one of which barely happens but had a friend who saw me 2 hours after offering to take me to the hospital. -_- First point is ring the GP (I think you call them family doctors) as the specialist said he wanted the GP to give me meds anyway but the ones the specialist listed interact with my other meds so I need to talk about it, and at that appointment ask if the GP knows what's going on, and hopefully prompt /them/ to bug the specialist about what's going on. Because what I was told at the appointment and what is in the letter are two completely different and contradictory things and I just hope /someone/ knows what is going on.

This of course does not account for the fact I've been struggling for the last week because of carer shenanigans. Its 10 days without because COVID periods. I'm on day... 7? Now

Two weeks ago tomorrow the piping fell out the sink and ended up with half an inch of hot water on the floor.

There's a mystery new wet spot in the hallway floor in the middle with no other indication of damage. Landlady keeps saying apply the ddehumidifier. We keep doing that. It's just getting worse. It is almost certainly a burst pipe or something in the foundations. She is ignoring us and just telling us to dehumidifier. This has been happening for over a year with another patch around a corner and against a wall.

Honestly can't remember what else. But I know before the pipe something else was wrong, the pipe just outshone it, and there are other things too.

There's about 8 other things which can best be described as 'the health service is chronically underfunded and understaffed thanks to the government both refusing to give it the money it needs and also being xenophobic and putting the minimum income for immigrants to get a visa - or even for a local citizen to have their spouse enter the country - above the pay or every nurse and almost all doctors and this means more people are more rushed', especially with covid wrecking people's health and suddenly loads more cardiac and neurology patients from the long term damage'. A problem only exasperated by COVID.

Add in that they changed the system so I can't book my injections in advance and so I miss them because the first symptom I get when I start running low is an inability to remember things or comprehend dates and I'm having fun! The potential complications from not getting it on time, with a buffer of only about a week as I'm a particularly bad case, only include heart attacks and brain damage but I'm already disabled and can't work so its fine, right? (sarcasm. so so much sarcasm here) (my carers are /trying/ to keep on top of it, but it isn't really working)

[gravenore]

good morning blog (3:42 am)

im not very tired, but i feel exhausted? my boyfriend (YAY!) left at 12:15 am-ish, and i miss him

i don't know how to communicate to him how much he means to me, so i just stare at him until he laughs and asks what i am looking at

he is so lovely and amazing, you guys just don't know

i've been looking (gazing) at pictures of him, and he's just so perfect and beautiful

he's like a greek god tbh, i am not even kidding you

i know i am biased because i like him, but you have to believe me T_T

anyways, i don't really have much to add!! our relationship is progressing really well, and i am super comfortable with him! (besides my pre-existing insecurities and anxieties, ofc)

it has been 11 days since we officially considered ourselves as dating, and i have been so happy

obviously i have had my low moments, which is why i haven't been posting as much, but i've been trying to get through those by double dosing my meds

unfortunately, when i posted pictures of us on my instagram (and he reposted them onto his story), we got a decent bit of negative attention. some girl commented on my post and said "so cute, i hate you both" ?????? which is wild considering i dont even know her, and she is friends with my bf's ex

soooo yeah.......oooooooooooopsies

anyways

just another rant for the internet void

bye blog

[zoanzon]

And I've got more to rant:

While the overdose limit on caffeine is in the actual gram range sans health conditions, that's requisite two things: not having pre-existing health conditions (which are more common than a lot of people think), and also...

You don't need to hit the actual overdose limit to have severe issues.

Alcohol poisoning leads to vomiting, hypothermia, pale or blue skin, and passing out. Sure, the combo of 'passing out + vomiting' can as has killed people, but that's not dying of alcohol poisoning, that's dying of a confluence of side-effects.

Digression? Yes, but no.

Hitting legitimate caffeine overdose - vomiting, hallucinations, chest pain, irregular or fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, uncontrollable muscle movements, convulsions and so on - takes a lot. It takes less if you don't have a tolerance towards caffeine; it also takes less if you discount more minor symptoms that can still cause complications.

Dizziness. Diarrhea. Increased thirst. Headaches. Fever. All of these can fuck up your day even if it doesn't get "worse" than that, and downing 200+ milligrams of caffeine in a shorter duration can definitely do that.

And all this is also discounting one simple thing: America is too fucking used to being able to drink 20oz cups of stuff.

No, that's not a joke.

There's more and more research out there about appropriate portion sizes, but research has been pretty consistent saying that if you give people bigger food portions this has a proportionate impact on how much they consume.

(And before anyone wants snide at any group or demographic or otherwise be fatphobic, per the final study above: "The predisposition to overeat in response to large portions is pervasive and occurs regardless of demographic characteristics, such as socioeconomic status, age, body mass index, and sex.")

You give someone a small drink, they'll nurse it; you give someone a large fucking cup, they'll drink it quicker.

You give someone a 20oz cup, they're gonna drink it. Hell, if you've got to-go cups involved, they're gonna drink a few gulps down to better top their cup off before they leave. It's human nature.

So...yeah, between 'it is human nature to drink more when given a bigger cup' and 'you don't need to hit an actual hard-overdose limit to start having issues that can fuck your day up even without interacting with meds or pre-existing health matters', as well as Panera trying to be cutesy with the caffeine notices...

No, this is dangerous as fuck. Hell, maybe not innately: maybe not in the caffeine concentration. I'm not gonna argue that point specifically, I'll leave that for other people. I've given you hard numbers, do what you will with them.

But selling a cups that are equivalent to 3 Red Bull cans, and allowing for fucking refills?

That's going to kill more people, mark my words.

I see jokes about the Panera lemonade but no guys.. it actually killed someone.

The guy NEVER had caffeine due to health issues. He loved going to that Panera and they did not warn him. He had no way to know where was like a level of 380mg of caffeine in his drink. The equivalent of drinking like 4 redbulls if I remember correctly. The FDA recommends 400mg as the level max per day. (A shot of expresso is 65mg for context)

Panera KILLED this man with what he thought was a simple regular lemonade.

Apparently it ALSO killed a young girl with a heart condition

STOP BUYING THIS DRINK FOR A MEME

[losingluckynumbers]

Want to know what unmedicated adhd vs. medicated adhd looks like? I went through some of my old posts (pre-hiatus) and... omg, I was so angry about everything, all the time. I didn't even realise it at the time but now just reading those posts/tag rants feels exhausting. I must have been a delight to be around...

Obviously, adhd meds aren't magic pills that'll fix your brain but at least for me they make everything... idk, not-so-loud-24/7? Of course, I still get angry about stuff - this world is a fucked up place, lots to be angry about. However, instead of wasting all my energy yelling into the void about it while fuming with rage, I can just be like "fuck this shit" and go about my day. I don't have to make whatever is getting on my nerves my entire personality for the next twelve or so hours.

...ok, that actually is kinda like magic. Cool.

[dumbassphysict]

Rant

I'm starting 9th grade in a few days and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm in the more advanced classes like APUSH, pre ap English and honors geometry (sad there's no ap geometry.) But last year I took strings rather than a language and now IM STUCK WITH THE FUCKING 8TH GRADERS. because in 8th grade you cant take strings and a language. And those 8th graders fuckers are feral. my grade is filled with entitled fucks who act like idiots constantly, but they know not to shout racist and homophobic comments any chance they get. And im a trans autistic kid, im fucked. so for context, at the end of the year this central/south american band comes and plays for all the grades. a group of these kids thought it was funny to shout obsine and racist comments throught their preformence. And one of those kids came up to me durring the haloween parade and was holding up his cross and shouting "the power of christ compels you" at me????? And when we went to get icecream after he was there and was standing uncomfortably close to me when I was paying. same kid also poked a hole in one of the kids blow up amung us costume. I got lucky enough for none of the kids in my grade to outright bully me for being trans but if those kids find out im trans there going to harass me any chance they get.

And im in gym. last year I almost lost high honors because that fucking class. I have NO stamina in the first place and im out of shape because all I did all summer was quit my job because my back hurt so fucking much, build a prototype robot, read and watch dnd podcasts. Im not very athletic, my back hurts all the time and every time I try to do something athletic, some place in my body goes 'haha fuck you' and hurts like hell. last year i fucked up my knee and now every time I run I get worried ill hyper-extend it. most of this is probably because im out of shape tho. and I have no intention of geting in shape because im not doing any sports or anything. I just hope my gym teacher isnt a dick to me like last year and lets me sit out if im not feeling good. I know my gym teacher last year was a good teacher but when I asked to sit out because my knee/back hurt a ton or I was insanely tired (I had some pretty bad chronic fateuge last year, on better meds now tho) she would tell me 'oh well im tired too/ well my back hurts too but im still able to participate.' Honistly it got to a point where I think she thought I was faking just to get out of class(I wasent doing that, I hate gym but if I could partipate I would beause I wasent about to fail a class.) I guess it did seem real convenient that almost every class I was too tired/in pain to participate. not to mention all the try hards would make a point of not letting me participate in a game. I would try to get them to pass the ball to me or something and they just wouldent. to be fair I had no clue what was happining most of the time and I am not good at sports so Id just fuck up every time I got the chance to do some thing. and that did not help my case.

Im not trying to be like ' oh woe is me, my life sucks' or anything. I just had to get this out there because every time I try to talk to someone about it they tell me to suck it up. which is fair because these things aren't important. had to write it all down to get it out of my head. :p

[bible-diaries]

8.8.23

Hello Diary,

Today is a long day. I slept at three hours and went to the psychiatry for another consultation and since it is a public hospital, we had to wait for hours and I walked to handle requirements with my mother and thus the diagnosis was Bipolar II Disorder with anxious distress, and a pre-diagnosis of personality disorder (Borderline). The doctor told me that he will adjust the meds since I couldn't wake up at morning and was sleeping too much and that the medicine is not to be taken forever but it would help me to function. Moving forward, we went to places in commute by a jeepney to handle the requirements for my identification.

Afterwards, I met with my churchmate whom I didn't talk with for so long and it opened my eyes about the Lord. I opened up to her everything that happened from the start of the sophomore year in college to catch up since she witnessed my suicidal attempt in the past. She replied that friendship is not supposed to be forced and that we have to give them the mental space to rest if we decide to rant since in 1 Peter 5: 8, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour". In my case, I often gave them my burdens to these 'friends' and she told me like it would be stealing the joy from others if they are happy and you're not then continuously dump your sorrows on them to the point they get drained, that the people I'm 'friends' with is not a healthy relationship nor consider to be a friendship if the bond is only about 'therapy'.

She told me she would pray for my friendship as she always have since the problem never stopped haha, it was last year and up until now it never changed, advising me to come out of my shell and the only practical help that she could offer is joining the ministry and attending events in the org. I added that I was afraid I would be swallowed by the darkness and that I would be friends with the world in James 4:4, "Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility towards God?".

She replied that I shouldn't be afraid, listening to the devil's lies that this is the end, that I wouldn't have friends and be alone forever because we are not created to be alone but to have relationships with people through God. Again, in 1 Peter 5: 8 She illustrated a scene where the wild animals would prey on the isolated animal and it is similar with my situation that the more I isolate myself with others, the more I feel less joy since God also communicates through people by using them to fulfill his will which is good.

I asked another question. I told her that I was confused with the Holy Trinity since I often see that Jesus is always mentioned + Holy Spirit but not God the Father so... I thought God the Father is talking about he didn't need to be included that.. Jesus is enough but she replied that I have to be careful with that since it does not align with the word. In the new testament, Jesus often talked about God the Father and the reason why he was sent was because of him as well and that he is the one who created the beginning, the architecture of creation and adding that the three beings are equal in presence and should not be perceived in the level of hierarchy.

We proceeded to our bible study. "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken (Psalm 34:17-20)." She introduced me the Obedience-Based Bible Study (OBBS) Method and I learned that context is key in understanding the bible and that a reminder, the goal is not the pursuit of knowledge but rather the pursuit of having an intimate relationship with God. I thought that when it was written as righteous, it's not for me since I'm not even righteous at all but she discussed that being a Christian does not mean being transformed into a perfect person, shining with no sin but rather we are made righteous by the Holy Spirit since he is helping us obey God through Jesus.

Oh boy, there is more than the word than I thought.

Dear Abba, Our Father in heaven,

Thank you for everything. I pray that whoever is reading this may be blessed, heal them from their pain, and be guided as the world may be getting dark as before. Thank you for saving me, for never giving up on me, for being faithful, for loving me and always keeping your promises. Thank you Jesus :)

In Jesus name,

Amen.

[riot1o1]

TELL ME WHY MY CAT ALWAYS HAS SOME SORT OF MEDICAL PROBLEM JUST BEFORE I HAVE A TRIP PLANNED .... didn't mean for that to be in caps but ok yeah I guess I'm that mad about it... rant under the cut to keep my problems out of everyone's face lol

She been having trouble breathing the last couple weeks.. took her to the vet and he just sent us home with antibiotics and allergy meds, the antibiotics don't seem to be helping and the allergy meds were thrown up immediately all three times I tried giving them to her so they went in the trash. Now today he sent me home with steroids and no comment except "it tastes good so it should be fine" but after reading up on it I find it's not recommended for cats with diabetes... which my cat has been diagnosed with (pre, not full blown, but still) why aren't we swabbing her nose or doing tests to see what's going on before throwing medications at her?? This isn't my shitty chevy s10, why are you acting like my shitty mechanic throwing parts at an undiagnosed problem??

I have 10 days to figure out what to do before I'm gone for a month and I'm so so so on edge and snapping at minor inconveniences and being shitty to my bf who is taking it so well but I feel bad, he hates it when I'm like this.. (and it's his birthday Wednesday and I've done nothing to prepare for that, I'm so shitty someone slap me)

Full of rage and anxiety, I hate having such limited care options living on an island with exactly 3 vets and one is steeped with the stench of urine and sickness, one is more like a boarding facility than anything, and the one I'm at is like a welfare center, and is so busy the vets clearly have little time to provide thorough care for anyone (I'm sure they're doing their best?)

I just want to get her better before I go so I don't have to worry every day whether she's going to die and I won't be able to be there for her (plus she has horrible separation anxiety, which may have rubbed off on me too)