#and that didnt feel very. sustainable. idk

[idyllic-idioms]

i had the idea to get one new hat every month this year but i kinda gave up after february because i dont really want to Buy new clothing items for No Reason. so here’s what i got so far.

there’s a crochet beanie i got from a second hand shop too but i couldn’t really fit it in the picture. it was only €1 and it’s made with a very simple designs and has a ton of mistakes in it lmao i got it in january when i had a wrist injury and figured that beanie was basically my experience level so it was a consolation for me when i couldnt crochet for myself.

the bucket hat in the middle i got off vinted (thrifting/resale app) and is originally from shein, there’s genuinely a bunch of cute shein bucket hats on there and i’m thinking of getting another one.

the cap on the left i got when i went on a birding trip. boerennatuur (farmer’s nature / farmer & nature. it’s a compound word pun) is an organisation that basically goes around begging farmers who own a shitton of land to please not kill endangered birds.

the cap on the right i got two weeks ago on our trip to texel. ecomare is a seal rescue centre. the cap was extremely overpriced but the gift shop money directly funds the centre so oh well the seals can have my money.

[cackt0]

Some ideas! (Doodled this yesterday night pls dont judge)

Soooooooooo

This is kinda what I have in mind for Raven's design in the fanfic 'Starblind' made by @dancingthesambaa !

What I went for is basically a kinda flowy look on her, as if she didn't have a definitive form. I do like to think the outlines of a 'young woman with eyes aged beyond comprehension', per say. This is more of a doodle, so I didnt encapture her exactly. But I would like to think that her entire being is constantly like moving, and her hair flows as if not affected by any gravety whatsoever, fading at the tips as more grow. No idea how to explain it, but I like to think that this would kind of be like what a god would look like. A confusing, terrifying but at the same time incredibly beautiful; no, incredibly *goregeous* being. Ever eternal, ever omnipotent. I also would like to think that she'd be able to pass through Leo, phasing through his body with him only being able to feel the brush of her cold (or warm? Still not decided) hair before she disappears completely. Man. I've thought WAYYY too hard about this. AND, I may be very very wrong with this direction, but I kinda hc that she's, in a way, Leo's mother. Cause like- she blessed him, she's the mother of his ability, and his ability is apart of him! Idk, just really like the idea even if it doesnt become canon (I dont mean as in she would be with the fam and be his 'mom' or something but more of like the titles of mother or father given to certain gods when they had kids with humans. Like a demigod from ancient Greece, only being abke to visit the one they call their 'parent' very rarely. The role never really fitting all the way, but still being a fact nonetheless)

Sorry, rambled lmao. But yeah! @dancingthesambaa, if there's anything you think I should add to her design I've forgotten about, please do tell me! I wanna do more drawings but for that I'd rather have a more solid take on the way she appears. Thankyouuuu <333 (Oh and if you dont make the fam meet them soon, I might have to make COMICS to sustain my mental health. Imma STEAL YOUR FANFIC /j) but like actually, might do small comics

See yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :))

[cyanidesurpryse]

i feel like nocturne season 2 is going to be SO emotional. like. mizrak is gonna have to make a real decision, the abbott and god or olrox. and whatever decision he makes is going to DESTROY him.

also i feel like it may go more into the ethics of vampirism and (what theyve already touched on) night creatures. in the original, night creatures were, for the most part, very monstrous looking and iirc only fly eyes was capable of speech and things like remembering his past life. in nocturne, theyre more human. we have edouard and jacques. theyre more humanoid and obviously can speak, have their own thoughts, and remember at least a little. is this an effect of it being a machine and not a real forgemaster? or is it just because theyre setting up a dive into more about the ethics of night creatures and who/what they once were?

also, the ethics of vampirism. in nocturne, vampirism does seem to be a metaphor for colonization. but if you ignore that, just see it as straight up vampirism, why are they seen as evil, really? they have to kill to live, just like humans do. why should they be killed for just sustaining themselves?

i hope olroxs backstory delves into that a little, the fact that julia belmont killed his lover solely because he was a vampire. doesnt seem justified to me. maybe richter will have to consider that. face his trauma. see it from a new point of view.

also, alucard. he essentially rejected his vampirism and has dedicated the 300 years to killing vampires. he should reconsider that as well. not all vampires are evil. some of them simply want to live. some of them probably didnt even want to be vampires like i suspect is the case with olrox, i feel like a spanish conquistador probably turned him against his will. it would be interesting to see alucard and olrox interact.

idk maybe im just rambling. not sure if this is so much a prediction as it is me stating what i would like it to go into. might add more to this later. idk. id like to hear yalls takes on things.

[olberic]

ranking anime i’ve watched in 2023:

as expected, here’s this year’s top 10 for how much i personally enjoyed the anime i’ve watched this year. ive watched more than this, but god i watched so many bad ones…. even number 10 sucks but everything else was worse. sad!

as always thank u gifmakers for ur service 🫡 the world would be nothing without u all

10. the legendary hero is dead! (2023)

dont watch this show. it sucks and its bad. hey. come here. hold my hand. now lets just watch and enjoy the OP ok? don't worry about the rest.

9. my daughter left the nest and returned as an s-rank adventurer (2023)

i have to admit this show charmed me. its not the best thing ive ever seen but its nice. comfy. yknow? i haven't finished it but it's enjoyable. can't rank it higher until i finish it

8. sabikui bisco (2022)

if it werent for the positively nonsensical jump in the middle of the show and the way theres just like. a lot of gaps? it’d rank higher. it’s a very cool premise for a show and i like the bisco/milo dynamic, and [SISTER] is fun as hell. it didnt wow me though overall, and while i enjoyed it i was hoping for more.

7. trigun stampede (2023)

im sorry trigun stans i simply didnt love it. i see the appeal i really do but it just didnt hook me. i really liked the animation and the storyline. im intrigued by whatever the fuck is going on with those plants and yall have said theres a tallgirl in the next season? so i’ll keep watching. i just didnt love it

6. that time i got reincarnated as a slime (2019-2021)

in contrast to #7, i can see why this show is weak HOWEVER i just enjoyed it. i like it. huge fan of how much gender the protag has. i love how they get new powers. i enjoy that it can be interpreted as an extremely bisexual show. it was well paced and the slime diaries OVA was a great addition. a lot of the characters really stuck with me too and its like. idk. one of my favourite isekais i guess

5. buddy daddies (2023)

this should rank higher. its so fun. its SO fun. its silly and it doesnt take itself seriously. i laughed in every episode. the dynamic between the guys is great. the dynamics between them and the kid is great. just a really solid show if you can stand the queerbaiting. i dont even care

4. bocchi the rock! (2022)

the bocchi side of tumblr is right this show rules. i like how real bocchi’s social anxiety feels (literally how it felt when i had it). the characters are entertaining, the show’s well done, they even have solid music (which band-based shows dont always do right!). its really funny and its really earnest and its a joy to watch

3. demon slayer: swordsmith village arc (2023)

i included the entertainment district arc in last year’s list so this arc makes the cut. im always late getting around to watch the new stuff and i dont want to read the manga but god DAMN does this show hit different. incredible fight scenes. i loved everything they did for the hashira backstories. i love whatever the fuck is up with genya. it even gave me some akaza to sustain me for the next year or whatever. ik this show gets overhyped but its normal hyped. to me.

2. frieren: beyond journey's end (2023)

oughhh frieren… ive only known this show for a few months but it means to much to me… i dont even wanna talk about it because its so good i just wanna watch it again. go watch frieren if you havent already its anime of the decade. to me

1. gundam: the witch from mercury (2022-2023)

ive never seen a gundam before but i will be watched them after this! what can be said about it that hasnt already been said on this site. the romance storyline is impeccable, the fights are awesome, the moral questions it posed were excellently covered. by the end of the first episode i was speechless. by the end of the last episode i'd cried like 4 times over the course of the show. this thing made me cry to happy birthday. what the fuck

[scourgefrontiers]

man tumblr is just. actively going to shit. i know we've had "going to shit" scares in the past and things have been bad and we've just kinda managed with them, but lately its gotten like...terrible. i dont know how any of this site is gonna come back from this at all. and that makes me very upset b/c ive been here since 2012, i have an incredibly large amount of memories + art stashed on my blogs. ive always come back to tumblr but idk if thatll stay true for much longer. i just dont think with the current Bullshit happening its..sustainable?? as a platform for me anymore.

..which sucks, bc my only other platforms are twitter, insta, and bluesky? we all know twitter sucks major shit. you cant pay me to post my art regularly on insta with that cropping + quality + algorithm. bsky still needs some development and my follower base is WAYYYY lower on there than my other platforms AND theres no dm's yet so i basically cant use it for business as of right now.

i rely on my art business for income completely. i have been getting most if not all of my business from tumblr for a while, so if i have to leave, idk whats going to happen to my business.

some part of me has a little shred of hope that maybe things will get better. we as a userbase have the power of numbers and i believe things CAN get changed for the better if enough of us band together, which it seems like is in the process of happening. but i also dont want to bank on that, and i dont blame a single person who wants to ditch this website for good.

idk. its a tough position for me bc of how i rely on it for income (same reason i still use twitter), but if i didnt have to do that i probably would have left a while ago ngl.

its rough out here man. i hope i dont come across as saying "my business is more important than standing in solidarity with those who are being fucked over by the website" bc thats not my intention at all. its just that like. i literally rely on this platform to keep a roof over my head and i have very few options otherwise :'/ it feels icky.

anyway ya. if you want to follow my bsky it's here. you can add me on discord as well (my username is in my carrd) and uhhh. ya. the future is unclear for me but i guess we'll see how things pan out

[narwhalandchill]

hsr 2.1 kit leaks

ok idk how but even w the preliminary aventurine kit leaks i didnt register before seeing a comment on how he would actually just shred in herta+himeko FUA teams for PF too and im just? obsessed actually i Love this

like PF is already in that weird place where sustains are kinda good still but kinda useless but aventurine being an actual FUA sub dps in addition to his shielding is just? so fucking good and will go so well with the never ending follow up after follow up death spiral that himeko and herta inherently bring to PF it should be a massacre 💀💀 i cant wait

anyway his kit looks sick i rly love how its designed. ACTUAL sub dps potential in a sustain finally 😭😭 and how much crit rate (40%) he gets just from reaching 3600 def is just? so delicious. obviously the fact that he will want crit, def, spd and possibly eff res too means you kinda need to invest hard into his build to rly get the most out of him but i love that blonde fucker so. yeah ill commit. i farmed my ass off for my fu xuan to be as stacked as she is i Will do it again 🫡🫡

the eff res hes giving to the team is actually massive too ?? CC immunity to himself when his passive effect is up? shields on skill no ult dependency and shield stacking on teammates being attacked and FUAs (and like. hes not dependent on FUA teams lmao its just going to boost him) just like that???

AND hes fast as fuck somehow like what 😭😭😭😭 bro looks stacked as hell i hope he stays strong. aventurine with that 106 speed rly out there running from the consequences of his antics 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️💀

anyway wow im hype for this bastard i Cannot wait for his animations

as for acheron im. somewhat interested? but not like too pressed abt it for now. her stacking mechanic seems interesting and ive already seen the asset leaks for her red ultimate state (which is like 700% better than her base design) but if you only see that design for a v short time idk how much itll motivate me to get her.

the lack of LC options definitely hurts like. all i realistically have for her is s3 GNSW but thats on kafka rn. ig if i got acheron i prolly wouldnt be running them at the same time but its still food for thought ig

also she really copied neuvillettes homework for that nihility team passive HSJSJSKSKF idk how i feel abt it like w our current cast it kinda feels pretty tricky to genuinely get a strong team going for an actual max stack team for acheron. like run her with pela and what? guinaifen? ig we will see what shes all abt

ig i just dont feel as much of an incentive for a lightning dps for now w kafka but eh i might go for acheron still. i do have a guarantee tho so it might be nice to save it for aventurine straight up bc then i could maybe go for his LC since it gets him even more sub dps potential but who knows

ig only gripe w aventurine (which isnt that big of deal rly) is the current lack of FUA charas like idm building ratio eventually even having daniel (and them having such heavy synergy is very funny. renheng could never 💀) n i could see myself maybe getting topaz even if im not a huge fan of her character (tho i do think shes well written; my mixed feelings r a result of her being complex) but idk. i hope we get more leaks for upcoming FUA charas.

obviously theres xueyi but her FUAs arent That frequent and unironically i wouldnt Want someone like aventurine w his likely frequent FUAs on her team eating away the toughness bar from her so itd only really work against enemies who are quantum weak but not imaginary. but worth thinking abt still. at least herta n himeko will be a guaranteed PF synergy for him so thats hype

and most important of all: def mainstat with double crit we are so back. relics with double crit that half rolled into def we are so back. etc etc etc

[goldenpinof]

As much as I love the new dnpg era we're in (and Im not complaining in the slightest) in the back of my brain I am finding it a bit strange that dan and phil are currently creating the exact content that for the last 5 years they (especially dan) have been saying they are tired of making. The whole "heres our sponsor, please hit the bell, like and subscribe!" Content. It feels very nostalgic right now, which I love, but also isnt necessarily sustainable. And the idea that they're only doing it to pay the bills on their house doesnt sit right with me either.

Im wondering if maybe theres a bigger picture. I feel like the gaming videos they are churning out are to sort of ease us in to a new era of dan and phil. If maybe they are playing a bit into the nostalgia of dan and phil, to gain back the audience that they lost after 5 years hiatus, so that then, they can slowly start to transform the content and the brand of dan and phil into something that better fits them as they are now. Because an abrupt change after 5 years of being gone, would honestly kind of mean they would have to almost start from scratch (bar the few thousand people that have been following them throughout), and honestly idk if an abrupt change would work for them either, bc even with dystopia daily, it was a cool idea, and not badly executed (apart from just kind of stopping halfway through) but it was also so different to anything else, that I think people found it really jarring, because it didnt really feel like the dan people were used to. I also dont know how well it really represented dan creatively anyway. I feel like bringing the gaming channel back, and also making it clear that its going to be different, its not specifically limited to games, is allowing them to take us with them on the journey of figuring out their new creative direction, rather than starting a few projects that get announced suddenly and then not going anywhere. It also means that when they are working on things behind the scenes that take months or even years to come into realisation, that can also just be cancelled at anytime, they are not banking on their audience just happily waiting with nothing to show for it, and can atleast still produce content that they enjoy and we enjoy, so that when dan inevitably does more standup or phil announces a project or they announce a new dan and phil project, it didnt come entirely from nothing.

Idk, basically i feel like the gaming channel is only the start of something bigger, and I dont think that bigger thing is them reverting back to 2016 dnp. Im interested to see.

oi, big asks bring so much pain ehfeliwdskd only because my answers usually are also big as fuck.

what i find interesting about this relaunch of dnpgames is that it's treated like the main place for joint content. what Dan said in the baking video can only mean that what was posted on AP channel or Dan's channel before, will now be on dnpgames. this gives them (Dan specifically) a way out of the dan and phil brand. it's like the joint branding exists outside and in parallel to their solo brands but doesn't intervene (it still does with AP but maybe it won't in the future). there's a better, more strict division between dnpgames + what's allowed on it and AP and their social media. it's so interesting to see how far they will go with it. they might bring back small portions of what they did before the hiatus (livestreams, dan vs phil, spooky week, gamingmas, game series and etc) but there will be new stuff as well. i wonder if the promo for all dnp brand related things will go on dnpgames now. before that, it was on Dan's channel (tours, books). i'm manifesting ladydoor tour 2.0 if the gaming channel thrives and there will be an audience to fill out the venues.

don't forget that Dan's decision to resurrect dnpgames allegedly came only in 2023 and because of his semi-flopped tour and difficulties with the dvd. no one wants to throw money into it, unfortunately. something happened in Edinburgh with BBC (wad related or not, hell knows). this dnpgames return is like a filler between solo projects (re: they are not banking on their audience just happily waiting with nothing to show for it). and it will be dropped the moment they are offered something serious. unless that something is gonna be precisely dnp brand related.

i don't think there's gonna be a huge change in the direction of dnpgames. we missed it how it was, Phil missed it because it allowed him to work with Dan and have fun. it can co-exist. i have an unpopular opinion maybe, but today's vibes are so unhinged. it's different from what it was before the hiatus, and i'm not talking about gay stuff. it feels like we're constantly running somewhere with them, and i don't like it. too much, too suddenly. and for someone who likes rewatching videos to find something new or just relax and laugh, it's a very uncomfortable schedule. and even dnp in the videos seem a bit frantic. plus different editing styles are visible, so it's like constantly jumping on a trampoline never knowing how high. i like consistency, so i need time to adjust? it's not a criticism, just an observation.

i think i have a bit different opinion to yours :) if it's the start of something bigger than only in the variety of content, but i don't think dnpgames will live for more than 3 years. 5 max. and this insane schedule will be dropped eventually. because it's unhealthy and EXACTLY why Dan backed out in 2018.

thank you for sharing your thoughts! let's see how it goes.

[dennistakesamentalhealthday]

i do think what's interesting to me is how dennis created this very intricately crafted scenario but there was so many subtleties (FOR ME) in it that showed that this is not a sustainable way of coping? or like the things he can only cope or process by creating a intricately crafted fantasy to confront. like all those comments about the system. its not your fault. you didnt create the system. the fact hes saying that in his own head is so ?!?!?? frank not answering the phone when he needs him shows how dennis feels about frank but doesn't actually like. unpack or properly confront it. and the repetition of listen to your heart ?!?!? all his struggles and stress were fully realistic but his catharsis and success at the end was this overly exagerrated fantasy that he couldnt even do irl if he tried. because that's not who he actually is. idk where his character will go going forward esp bc i dont think he really learnt anything within that arc but there's so many little things i'm gnawing whether the show actually does something with them or not

[parrishh]

i still have lots of questions after reading greywaren right when it came out and i thought i could ask you... if youre not interested then just ignore me! i feel kinda dumb for not getting a few things

what was the sweetmetal maggie referred to? the one which was supposedly also in trc books?

why do ronan and declan look alike if ronan wasnt born the normal way? whatever created him certainly didnt care about how declan looked, right?

has ronan known that he is more than human? idk i kinda had the impression that he def didnt know about himself. he knew he was a dreamer, he obviously knew niall was is dad, so when and how did he learn about himself? thats what i completely missed somehow lol and how did adam get that too? when they were in the dream space?

what actually was the lace?

why did ronan have the nightwash? did it stop now after he knew what he was and saved the earth and all that? was it because he was too powerful and so he needed to be close to the power source aka ley line? and now he can be "free" bc he knows what he is and he chose to be human basically or more human with powers or such?

sorry i am still confused lol if you could help a dumb bitch out i would be very happy!!! some of these might be obvious but i really didnt get it. thanks so much <3

hiiii sorry for the late response. i haven't been around much. i can take a crack at these but i definitely don't know the answer to all of them LOL

no idea. i doubt she'll ever tell us

mór, niall, and the forest all created ronan together. his appearance was mór's contribution - it says she modeled him after a photo she had seen of niall as a toddler

i could be forgetting something but i don't think this is entirely clear in the book, i.e. i don't think there's any sort of inciting incident like ronan didn't know what he was and then this one specific thing happened and now he does. i think it was more of a gradual realization that came to him little by little during his time in the dream space. my understanding is that - being an ancient, all-knowing entity - he probably always had the capacity to "unlock" this knowledge but he had been pushing it down all his life because he wasn't ready to come to terms with it. his journey of self-acceptance in this trilogy culminates in him discovering who he is because he finally loves himself enough to handle the revelation. as for adam, i'm sure he understands that ronan is Something More because he's smart and because of their interactions in the dream space, but i don't think he knows exactly what that "something more" is. it probably has to be explained to him in detail off-page after the events of the book

i feel as though the lace is to hennessy as bryde is to ronan, i.e. a manifestation of all of her most negative thoughts and feelings. that's why it physically resembles the shadows from her most painful childhood memory. her suffering is so profound that this manifestation grows powerful enough to sustain itself in the dream space and affect other dreamers. i may be completely wrong but that's my understanding

nightwash doesn't only affect ronan - we know it happens to other dreamers, too, because hennessy also gets it when she doesn't dream. i think even after the events of this book, ronan would still get nightwash if he stopped pulling things out of his dreams. dreamers can't ignore what they are. he's "free" now in the sense that he accepts who he is; no more nightwash not because it doesn't exist anymore, but because he always allows himself to dream freely

[sunnisurrealism]

Reflections Upon Transcendental Faith + Leaving for Backcountry for 8 Nights

Hello to my secret fans - Elon, Timmy, MB, Grimes, and whomever else idk who that would be lol

Last night i dreamt that I lived with my friend Michelle, who was in my undergrad program. She is from Ecuador and is very hippie and alternative. Her girlfriends, some of whom were in our program/others who were not, are people who irl have questioned whether they like me. they witnessed me in preacher spirituality sustainability epiphany mode during my first episode and i think the energy was too much like too egositical for their sensitive alt spiritual vibe - like i was arrogant or something. irl i bumped into them a few times this past year in vancity and it was awkward and "i felt judged." last summer i saw them at a going away party in a park for this girl also in my program and i was possibly going to take her room because i finished my degree but when i saw them in the park before everyone else i said hi but they responded without smiles and the vibes at least awkward on my end. one day this past spring i bumped into them at kits beach and it was the day before i had a job interview. i told them i was nervous about it and they asked what it was for and i told them it was the "peer spirituality explorer" position with a non-profit that aims to bring folks from across the galaxy brain together. i used the term "people with cognitive disabilities" which i regretted cuz it sounded kinda harsh. anyways i really thought i had the job in the bag cuz i networked with 3 people from the organization, including one girl who lived on my street and went to school with me in calgary, so i was talking about the job imagining it as if i had it. and they were like "whoa you're getting ahead of yourself you don't even have the job" and i felt so embarrassed. i was so nervous talking to them i stumbled upon my words. they started talking with one another in front of me laughing and i didnt hear what they said. my heart rate was up one billion. it was one of the most awkward moments of my life. but Kyra did give me a tangerine... i should have thought of that deeper.

anyways, when i went home i told audrey and i had already told her about this social circle in that past and how i dont think they like me from the big energy vibes i gave off during my first episode and she was like we need to do a ritual. she recommended a cord cutting ritual, where you attach a piece of twine to the top of two candles so they are tied together with like tight rope in between. then when you light the candles, eventually the twine catches and the chord burns and cuts. it represents letting go. i thought this was a good idea because i didnt want to stay uptight before my big big job interview the next day. Idk why I’m a sensitive baby. needed to grow up and let go!

we go up to my room, put the two candles on a tray on the floor, and discuss the goals of the ritual. i tell her i want one candle to represent me, and the other my attachment to the situation, because i didnt want the other candle to represent them because it was too vindictive vibes. she was like okay nice. so we sit on my floor, light each candle with the twine connecting them in between, and just wait. and wait. and wait. untill....

i kinda have to fart.

i tell audrey i kinda have to fart. and that i want to fart on the candle. she is like wow. and she does not stop me. so i get up, lean over the candle like in nature pee position, and.... fluff the tinest fart ever squeaks out and nothing at all happens. it was so so SO anticlimactic! we BURST out laughing from how lame it was. it was truly hilarious. and i sit back down. and wait. and wait. until....

i kinda have to fart again.

i tell Audrey. she's like woooowww. and i get up. i squat over the candle. i look between my legs to make sure my butt is really right up in there. i feel it coming, i feel it coming, i lean down further, i let out a rather phat one indeed:

SWOOSH EXPLOSSSIONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! A GIANT FLAME LICKS UP MY BUTT THAT I SEE FROM PEERING BETWEEN MY LEGS AND IT OCCURS TO ME I MIGHT BURN THE HOUSE DOWN FROM FARTING ON A CANDLE!! AUDREY SCREAMS! I SCREAM! I INSTANTLY JUMP UP, DROP MY PJ PANTS, I WAS WEARING NO UNDERWEAR, AND START VICIOUSLY STOMPING ON MY PANTS TO PUT OUT THE FLAME! turns out my pants didnt catch, and then I was stand standling with my crotch out in front of audrey.

we both BURST out laughing and literally literally cannot stop laughing crying. she start rofling, literally, and i start laughing so hard i start to pee, but i cant collapse on the ground on my bedroom floor carpet, so i twist my legs while standing as much as possible and try to make it fall on my pj pants instead. it wasnt that much. we continue to laugh our asses off for like 15 minutes and i am in complete utter shock that i made a candle explode inside my bedroom by farting on it. audrey tells me about how she had full frontal view because my butt was facing her. she tells me that the flame licked up the sides of my butt cheeks gracefully and perfectly. artfully even. i tell her from the angle looking between my legs i thought it went straight up like a fucking blow torch cuz that's what it looked like but the i realize that's not how science works. we continue to laugh more, and then eventually i sit back down (i didnt pee that much) and watch the candles for the rest of the ritual.

then eventually the candle representing my attachment to the situation catches the twine and it catches fire and burns across like a tight rope, and then it breaks. then, as the twine goes to my candle, we notice it has a very peculiar dance with the wick of the candle, and causes flames in extraordinary shapes. three perfect flames going in and out of one, then two flames going in and out of one. it was literally the most beautiful fire i had seen in my lyfe. and then eventually it dies.

and then audrey and i look at eachother. and we're like. what the fuck just happened. we burst out laughing again and reflect upon the ritual.

the ritual caused us to release multiple bodily gases and liquids, from the fart, tears, and peeing. AND it was so so fucking hilarious that i completely let go of ALL my ill feelings towards what happened at the beach. ANDDD the flame was what we both agreed upon the most beautiful dance of fire we had ever seen before, due to the different but close burning rates of the wick and twine. the ritual was an utter success on every single level. i was so thankful for myself for my choice to fart on the candle. im jk i didnt think of it like that, but tbh as soon as i heard that ignition SWOOSH i felt a TREMENDOUS amount of power and instantly wanted to do it again LOL. And I still do today…. …. …. 😈

anyways so i completely let go on my resentments towards these ladies. instantly. and audrey emphasized from the beginning that they probably weren't hating on me, and i agreed. the party people in my high school whom i ostracized myself from because they were inappropriate to the girls, as well as this spiritual alt group of friends, and the students in the MM who didnt know why i got accomodations to do it part time, are the only people in my life who i've felt social awkward about. But in the vast vast majority of my social circles from my ginormous family to endless other circles or friends I have never felt judged or had in group our group dynamics. My problem overall is actually extending the circle too wide to our parties! Hehe.

Tbh ngl overall tho, i have definitely learnt that regardless of vibes which can be real, it's always best to assume the best in people anyways. nobody wastes that much time hating on you, maybe perhaps unless you are a celebrity or something. interesting... :( now back to the dream...

these girls were in my house visiting my friend michelle who was living with us. i was on the couch slouching hugging a pillow being all gloomy for no reason and they looked at me like i was being a weirdo. then, i learnt that through their magical spiritual ascendant identities, they saved our ocean. somehow my house had a whole ocean, at the edge of a desert, like in dune. i immediately felt so stupid for judging them, when they had taken their time to p much save our own backyard. it was so kind that they did this with their magic powers. and i realized i should respect and be thankful for them above all of my own surface level salty feelings.

i bring up the story with the farting on the candle and the dream about these girls saving our ocean as a reflection of transcendental faith. precisely what i am trying to suggest is that farting on candles is the greatest gateway to connecting with god. possible. ever. so if you are ever feeling salty at "a certain group of people" or "person," just do the chord cutting ritual if you need help just google how to do it and fart on the candle that represents your repressed anger. and then it will be so hilarious you will instantly let go of all resentment, which is your greatest justice to yourself and others. LMAOOOO.

there are many times in life when our resentment towards a person or certain groups seems to always low key be there. it is a terrible burden on the heart. forgiveness is terribly difficult, collective healing even moreso. however, these are very central themes to all of our destinies and the logics behind why forgiveness, collective healing, compassion, mutual understanding, getting to the heart of it all, building bonds, transcending binary thinking, and ultimately expanding the collective heart are our highest responsibility with our destinies. it is incredibly not easy. i have fucked up. we have all fucked up. and lingering feelings of saltiness may remain. but when we recentre our focus to a transcendental faith, believing in the lessons God is teaching us beyond our low level consciousness instinctual perhaps salty feelings, we are aligning with the responsibility of our destiny. this is incredibly important, and God wants all of us to take this incredibly seriously i bet. it is also through this logic that i do sincerely beg for Timothée's and Elon's forgiveness for when i've bullied them. i feel immense shame and guilt and the lessons have been very clear. we honour god through integration. and if we make mistakes again and again we keep doing it until we integrate eventually. punishment as a construct does not lead to integration (clockwork orange). this is why treating others how we'd like to be treated, and caring for other's feelings in the culture through our actions, and what our actions symbolize, and artfully navigating the grey instead of furthuring binary discourse, is an incredible responsibility. it is difficult getting lost in the sauce of feelings of "otherness" towards others or others onto ourselves, and overcoming these difficult feelings in the highest purpose of our destiny. there is no other way, because god is everyone.

in this case, what does it *really* mean to fart on the candle? please think about it. 🤣 bless up and AWAY🍑💨🕯️💥🔥💥✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻☮️☮️☮️🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[roguestarsailor]

brain dumping [ignore pls]

going to tour studios today (2)

one looks very promising but hes gonna be mad i cant move until june 20

thinking about sending a message to my landlord about leaving (and also have to beg him to send a letter of recommendation to the promising looking studio) but is it too premature?

i followed two of the people i talk most in the design team and THEY DONT WANT TO FOLLOW ME BACK

well one of them specifically accept my follow request BUT DIDNT FOLLOW ME BACK

im so confused and rethinking about our interactions and im like ohh he doesnt like me like a friend he only likes me as a coworker

im feeling sad about this (and i see how many mutual followers who are also our coworkers he follows so!!!) i guess we gotta stay coworkers-- feeling like i read the room wrong & embarrassed!!!

the other one im less pressed about cuz hes technically oversees everything i do?? but he's not technically my manager and sometimes he doesnt act like a managing person and more like a fellow coworker but regardless im actually ok if he doesnt accept cuz i feel like we see each other TOOOOO much

nyc seems so much more fun and im actually excited to go

im so stressed about money like im making no good financial decisions and idk what to do

im looking for jobs just to see what i can do

i need to freelance?? i gotta figure this out; i cannot sustain myself with only one job

which ISNT IT FUCKED THAT I MAKE SIX FIGURES AND I CANT EVEN GET A FUCKEN IN UNIT???? ISNT THAT ABSOLUTELY FUCKED?????

also just the studios i can afford are old as shit and not in the best part of town or i can find slightly better but i'd have to live w roommates..but like those should be CHOICES but right now its like my only options

and it makes me really mad at this city because me, making six figs, can barely find spaces i can afford and i swear i'm not spending frivolously; just using the 30% rule on rent expenses so yeah no shit theres so much homelessness around here!! who the fuck can afford these places????

dont get me started on how everyone thinks homelessness is the problem and NOT a symptom of the issue and i want to fight everyone; like yall think these prices are ok?? yes yall can pay it but SHOULD we??? its not good for ANYONE!!

this roommate search is hella stalling and i think ive made peace w what i have to do (and spend :( )

it'd be only 4 months of aggressive savings to make back what i lost so i am grateful to have padding financially and have a steady job

i wish my roommate moved out in winter so theres more inventory and i could get cheaper rent kljsfdfslkdj

my fucken god what is this city

i should have gone to NYC; i think i might find belonging over there much better

im stress eating; fudge ice cream and two pringles cans this week

this habit is really carried over from college aksdjklasd and i cannot stop it!!!

i should have found a husband instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this fucken place makes me wnat to die

looking for a new career makes me want to dieeeeee

[apatheticchocobar]

one day before

this feels like one of my lowest points ever

i have stopped giving a shit about acads: didnt submit a major assignment, missed so many classes, did badly in quizzes, and most importantly btp is just not going anywhere

i'm not going anywhere or doing anything

no exercise, no proper diet. just eat shitty processed food, and rot in your bed daydreaming about what all i could have done

i finally did book an appointment with a psychiatrist atleast. tomorrow 7:30 pm.

being an ismp mentor has benefitted me as well, hearing a mentee talking about therapy and convincing her to keep going no matter what anyone says was advice even i desperately needed. needing therapy does not mean you're weak

don't know how tomorrow will go though, last time i tried this it went horribly. basically she said i wouldn't have even passed school if there was any issue.

the tests she conducted showed that i had very low levels of dopamine and that is the cause of adhd right? but she didn't listen to anything i said and just told me to stop overthinking it too much

and she basically confirmed everything my parents already believed. so i don't think they would believe me again or want to spend any more money on this

this one (1) 30 min session has costed 2000/-

and if she prescribes any tests or for more sessions, idk how i will manage this

but of course, this is all in the future. first i'm really worried about what her response would be like. i hope she is understanding and actually listens to me. (found her on adhd india reddit)

i don't have any reports to show her, just things i read on the internet. but it can' be a coincidence that so many things match.... right?

i just want to feel normal, not that i know what that's supposed to feel like but it's definitely not this

of course, even in the best case scenario, if she completely understands my situation and symptoms and diagnoses me, i's not like everything will be magically fixed. it would still require a lot of work, difficult work to make changes. i just hope to get a direction and find sustainable ways of making the changes

another thing i'm sad about (or maybe it's because my period just started): there was this interiit tech problem statement about llm's and its very similar to what i did in my internship. i applied for it but i didn't have a resume (because i'm lazy and had no motivation to make one after ppo but i really should make it). anyway i asked the organising guy about it and he said its fine as long as i explain what all i know properly. but i wasn't selected. and that's fine there might be better people with more experience though i did have very relevant experience. but the lead for this ps is this r friend. and they way she said i wasn't selected gave me the vibe that she had a hand in it. maybe i'm just overthinking. obviously i don't expect her to take me just because we're friends but for some reason i feel like it's the opposite way

but yeah anyway, all the best to me, hope things go uphill from here

[kdipshit]

Money ;

I show up for myself every single day, I wake up and the first thing I do is try to better myself, I wake up and im grateful, I wake up and im happy I’m alive. I wake up confused as hell as well though don’t get me messed up, I’m running out of weed and I haven’t been to work in a month. Its getting a tad out of hand, just like my situation, lol, seems to be out of my hands, do I need to pull up to my job and confront the entire establishment or do I keep being patient…. Its like they get annoyed when I ask about my hours… like ma’am? Anyways, saying optimistic and using my time wisely, how ever I would love some fkn cash right now, don’t we all? It fucking sucks without money doesn’t it?

Yes… yes it does, but ultimately I’m the one who out myself in this position…. Right? I couldn’t keep up with juggling work and mental health at once, it became too much, it became unbearable, but on the days I could handle it all, I was the fucking man. I hit my numbers, go above and beyond, coz once I’m focused, its pretty easy to get into the flow of it. I have so many new techniques to use once I go back to work, and I shouldn’t be worried weather or not they’re even going to roster me at all, but I am. I am worried, and I’m a little upset I couldn’t stick it thru on my last rostered day. But I chose myself, that day, even though the better choice would have been to put my head in the game and just finish the day, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I was fine physically, but my mind was racing and I might have gotten violent if I didn’t watch myself, so I got in an uber and left.

Since then, I have not wasted a day. I don’t think, and I have blossomed into something I am extremely proud of, because Instead of showing up to work, I showed up for myself, which has made it easier to show up for the rest of life. I am ready and willing to do the mahi, I’m no better than anybody else. I work to sustain my life, independently.

Tbh if you ask for my snapchat thats so gross. Y’all I used to pop my pussy on snap for HELLA bands…. I aint tripping on snap, but the tiktokers took over. I would never make a personal snap EVER again its like my snapchat when I was younger was just me getting super fucked up like every single day and looking super cute doing fkn lip syncs and getting hundreds-thousands of views I was DEFINITELY a snapchat bitch, but that me was so young, like mind set wise, its childish idk. Ill use it to make money tho lmao, the hustle stays. I really don’t want to prepare myself to start dancing again but shit I will if I have to. Stripping can be VERY fun, but i think the alcohol might win in that fight scenario.

The writing really slows me down, and I’m here for it, it helps me so much, with every single letter, every word, every sentence bring me closer and closer to unravelling our mind. Its like a spell I cast, only I have the password, hidden amongst my writings, flooded within hundreds of thousands of words, because I know how much I like a challenge.

Any substance that I use, I abuse, its like do I really need that fkn much to sedate myself? Like shit bitch… why so damn much, I didn’t even know addiction didnt have to be a choice. Its like every 2nd heart beat is for the substance. Or for the feeling it gives me, or for the feeling it takes away, who knows, I just know that I THINK I need it, look at the consequences, its gonna have to effect me physically, and I’m going to have to get through that, without the substance to save me. Only myself, as I am fully capable. Okay I’m going to save my last cone for life threatening emergencies only. Day 4, starting tomorrow, 28th March. Substance deficit. I’m using my medication for the wrong reasons, I’m abusing them, and I know that, so, this is my moment of change. most important thing to remember is to show up for yourself. Be honest with yourself. Sit with yourself, write it all out.

Am I TMI for the internet? Lmao idk, I barely fucking read. Im the type of person who hears someone fart and looks around seeing if I catch anyones eye, but my question is why I even heard the fart in the first place, in this massive room full of distractions, I get so fixated and kind of zone out on the background noise, sometimes its all I can hear, I’m done so much embarrassing shit when I’m focused on something I don’t mean to be focused on, like other peoples conversations or other people movements… I focus too much on other peoples movements. To make sure no one comes into my space, and if they do, that Im ready for it, but its gotten me to trip up ALOT . I wonder why I do this?

[primonizuto]

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

after streaming twitch on minecraft behind my parents back for 2 and a half hours im now back on my bullshit of being hunched over like a gremling eating kool aid powder right out of the container <3

[rangerdew]

well im posting this tazes

finished TAZ, here are my juicy, freshly harvested, organic thoughts for the picking

- i really liked magnus' ending, out of all of them. they went through so much but theyll all still die at the end. no one's immortal. i also just think his development, metatextually and textually, is really cool.

- the world of taz kind of makes me .. withered because of how *nice* and *stable* it is. the god that made them said that they saved the world, theyre proud of them, etc. but i guess for me when he said that, all i could think about was -- they saved the world, but it's not going to last forever. they have story and song but one day the people who know of those will die and the world will end or maybe there will be a mass extinction and it will be reborn or it will stay barren forever or another planet will crash into it and itll fall into a million pieces and reform again or maybe it will be swallowed by the sun or ravaged by wildfires and exploding texas lithium batteries but man. it would be nice, wouldnt it, if a fantasy world could sustain itself forever

- griffin is very idealistic in this story in a way that reminds me a little of what ozymandias from watchmen was probably thinking -- big extraterrestrial problem, everyone bands together against big extraterrestrial problem, capitalism solved. dont have a conclusion, just an observation.

- more things that made me withered are taako and merles and to an extent magnuss futures. they all become . . . business owners, some with like, BUSINESSS business like taako, and are all . . . idk how to explain this but powerful men? the entire world knows of their bravery and otherworldly age and knowledge and wisdom from their century and how they saved them and tried to save other worlds for a hundred years and that they're heroes and it just didnt stick right with me. it made me feel weird. like i dont want to relate to them anymore. 

- im not going to lie what sarah z said -- or maybe what she implied? -- does stick in my head. to an extent, the three heroes transformation and endgame or what they became is much like what the mcelroys became. i am just remembering now that she was talking about graduation, but i feel like its . . . similar. i watch mbambam or listen to taz sometimes and i think its nice that these are three guys in their hometown, but then i remember  . . . everything and suddenly it becomes harder to stomach.

other taz thoughts i had, not from the finale but felt prudent to say now

- to expand on 'harder to stomach', in mbambam they heavily associate and work with both the mayor and the police force with little criticism of the institutions as a whole. those are the hardest parts of the show to watch for me, but taking into account their perspective as white, homegrown american boys from west virginia, a lot of stuff in taz starts to . not make sense but like connect the dots? for me anyway. easiest example is kravitz and the death prison. i cant think of any other examples, textually, that reflect christian, liberal, capitalistic american society by griffins design of worldbuilding rn but im sure there are more around there

- lup and barry becoming 'grim reapers' ish at the end makes me withered i cant explain it either it feels like death cops and totally not what theyd do but i guess all the escaped spirits are 'bad' whatever

- dont know how to start this one but its very interesting seeing where the brothers' familiarity with each other and doing improv with each other pay off in the story. like they so easily can fit into roles and tell what the other is implying and connect the dots of character and reaction and rolling with a story so naturally it feels scripted. justin is especially good at this there were SO many 'oh shit' moments from taako it was awesome 

- you know when someones like, comic artist/painter/fanartist/animator/whatever made me want to get into art? i have something to tell you about the adventure zone ost