#and tbh I’ve been dealing with this for over a decade now and am almost expert level in dealing with it

[pernesophe]

It’s kind of a cosmic joke that my PMDD started hitting exactly 12hrs after my birthday ended.

[ilosttrackofthings]

I’ve decided to reread Harry Potter for the first time in a decade for Halloween (because reasons I guess) and here are my thoughts/observations as of finishing CoS.

I continue to hate Dumbledore. I’m definitely seeing him as more fleshed out, but that doesn’t make him better. Like, he’s really good with the kids, he clearly still understands what it’s like to be young and sympathizes with them in ways adults tend not to, it’s easy to see why Harry hero worships him. But that’s just the problem because understanding the kids also means he’s better at manipulating them.

It’s even addressed! Someone brings up that it almost seems like Dumbledore arranged everything in PS so Harry would face Voldemort and Harry, being an eleven year-old, defends him by saying that Dumbledore just knew he needed the chance to face him. Which makes sense because he’s ELEVEN, but anyone with critical thinking skills should be like “ummmmm...” So yeah. I still hate Dumbledore.

And guys it’s so obvious he was always gay! He wears a flower bonnet at Christmas! It’s S U B T E X T

The centaurs so clearly already know Harry’s gonna die and the first time it reads like they know he’s in danger or like he circumvents fate but NO it’s the future-future and my HEART

I never appreciated before how witty Snape is. His protection for the stone is a riddle and his final for the first years is to brew a forgetfulness potion from memory. And when Ginny’s taken to the Chamber, he’s the one who steps in and gets Lockhart out of the way. And he’s a jerk to the kids but we also see him being at least decent to his coworkers. If he could’ve just gotten over Lily, he could’ve had his own child to send to Hogwarts to torment Harry instead of having to work through Draco (who, frankly, is a little shit. I still love him but man does he make it rough).

The Improper Use of Magic office sends Harry a reminder that Muggles shouldn’t be exposed to magic via an owl that drops the letter on a Muggle’s head. Nice.

Dumbledore says in PS that he’s leaving Harry with the Dursleys in part because it will be better for his development; he won’t grow up knowing he’s this famous figure and get a big head or something. (Obviously this is a complete lie, there’s plenty of meta out there about this being not only because of the Lily’s blood thing but also because it’s a great way for Dumbledore to make himself a heroic figure in Harry’s life; regardless I’m still gonna tear it apart.) Except that Harry winds up with no idea how to handle his own fame. If he’d grown up knowing about it, he could’ve developed mechanisms to deal with awkward moments and people taking him off guard and all that uncomfortable stuff we see him struggling over throughout the books.

In CoS we see the teachers suddenly giving out points like Mardi Gras beads. In PS the kids had to do something exceptional to earn points but now they’re getting them just for throwing out answers in class. Which makes me think the teachers, after six years of Slytherin wins, were being stingy with the points to try to hold them back from a seventh year win.

Am I still bitter the House Cup was stolen from them in PS? A little less tbh. There’s an argument to be made Harry and co earned those points (even if it’s obnoxiously obvious that Dumbledore gave them just enough to put them over) but should they have been awarded at the feast already being held in Slytherin’s honor? This wasn’t like CoS where the feast was an impromptu thing immediately after the climactic battle. There was plenty of time in between to dole out those points without embarrassing Slytherin.

After spending a year blindly buying into Lockhart’s bullshit, Hermione will go on to out Lupin as a werewolf. I know Snape basically fed her all the info, but I really think the shame of being so utterly wrong about Lockhart (especially when the boys were right) really stuck with her.

Listen, I am trying to like Dobby here, he’s enduring terrible punishments and risking worse just to protect this child he’s never met, but his speech pattern is sooo much like Gollum’s and that is not helping.

Speaking of, based on everything that happens there’s no reason to assume Dobby doesn’t see Petunia take a swing at Harry with a frying pan and he still goes through with his “stay with the Dursleys” plan. Because that wouldn’t kill him.

Back in PS, after sending Norbert off to Charlie, Harry and Hermione are caught coming down from the Astronomy Tower by McGonagall. (Ron is absent because he was bitten by Norbert and needed medical treatment to avoid losing his hand.) In CoS, when Hermione’s petrified and McGonagall is taking Harry aside to tell him, Ron is almost an afterthought, only being brought along because he shows up. I’m just saying, McGonagall thought Harry and Hermione were making out on the Astronomy Tower and that they’re an adorable tween couple.

Tom: “You think I was going to use my filthy Muggle father’s name forever?” But... But it’s there, Tom. It’s right there. In your new name. ‘Cause you made it out of the letters of your old name. You’re still carrying him around, Tom.

As I’m reading I’m mentally comparing these to what I remember of the films (I haven’t watched them since even before my last reread so I don’t remember much) and imagining a more faithful netflix series version. The only thing so far that I’d want changed from the way it plays out in the books is the Percy/Penelope revelation. He should’ve gotten a big reunion with her at the feast.

[jeongvision]

nct’s jaehyun’s perfume collection review!! (pt.2)

**for part one, please refer to here!

hello and welcome back, everyone! i’m back with another perfume review of nct’s jeong jaehyun’s perfume collection! i love smelling and collecting perfumes so this was a perfect excuse to know how he ‘smells’ like!

in this post, i will be reviewing:

tom ford fucking fabulous

byredo bal d’afrique

again, for each of the scents, i will be adding photos associated with each perfume along with my reviews/reactions and listing if it’s masculine/feminine, my recommendation, and rating!

disclaimer: again, this is NOT an advertisement but simply a fun and personal review of his perfume collection! but seriously an endorsement deal would be nice like i’ve seen so many people buying his scents after publishing my first post

before you buy!! some of the fragrances will react differently on your skin as the scents are based on your body chemistry with certain chemicals listed on their ingredients. thus, you may smell a different scent when sprayed on your body than on mine. not only that, some of the perfumes utilizes synthetic ingredients, which can be a deterrent for those with a sensitive nose. i strongly recommend sampling them out at local stores before purchasing as these brands are expensive.

warnings: heavy cursing, some vulgar language lmao (they will be listed as [**] if you would like to skip those parts, especially for minors)

TOM FORD FUCKING FABULOUS

“Tom Ford’s iconoclastic leather scent is spicy, warm and decadent. A gourmand almond and iris heart imbue textural richness to the luscious leather, intensified by floral orris accord. The effect is so exquisitely beautiful, no other name would do.” —Tom Ford

oh my god

oh my fucking gOD

WHAT THE FUCK

OH MY FUCKING GOD HE SMELLS SO FUCKING SEXY WHAT RHEBFUCUU

[**] HE LITERALLY SMELLS LIKE OFFICE SEX

[**] LIKE CEO! JAEHYUN CALLING YOU INTO HIS OFFICE AND HIM BENDING YOU OVER HIS THOUSAND DOLLAR DESK AND RAILING YOU LIKE A GOOD WHORE YOU ARE

[**] HE SMELLS LIKE A FUCKING DILF I FUCKING CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION NOW??!!?!

OH MY GODDDDDDDDD

so anyways

back to the program

it smells like spicy vanilla

but make it sexy LMFAO

like i said in my previous post, i’m not a big fan of vanilla scents

and i would like to add that i’m also not a big fan of spicy scents

initially, i wasn’t too hyped of the scent after spraying it on my forearm bc the spice overpowered the vanilla a little

but after it settled and the intensity of the spice faded a little

it smelled so sEXY OH MY GOD

like i’m just imagining him using it??

and i just—

i literally combust

externally and internally HAHAHA

i was having thoughts the whole time and i still can’t stop thinking about it

but yeah i’ve noticed that with the tom ford scents: it smells soooo much better once you let it settle on your skin for a bit

if you were to ask me to pick between this scent and white suede, i’d pick white suede by a close margin

they’re both very distinct but so charming in their own ways

[**] lmao i asked my friend who also smelled this if she agrees that it smells like office sex and she was like

[**] ‘i was thinking more like getting fucked by my hot professor in an empty classroom but office sex works too’

[**] so basically he smells like sex

i rest my case

[**] fuck me daddy

masculine or feminine? masculine!

recommend? only if you see yourself using this. i bought this as an atomizer (10 ml) so the only time i would be using this is when i spray it on my sweater and smell it while i type up a scenario thinking of him LMFAOO

rating: 9/10 (again, i’m not too big of a fan with vanilla and spicy scents!)

BYREDO BAL D’AFRIQUE

“With a focus on beauty and fantasy, Bal d’Afrique is Ben Gorham’s ‘love letter’ to Africa. Wanting to sum up and celebrate the reach and influence of Africa through time, particularly the way its myriad cultures have shaped dance, art and music, the idea of an imaginary event.” —Byredo

this was actually a surprise??

you would think that with all the scents i’ve reviewed so far, this one would be something leathery or musky

or at least powdery

but this one was actually sweet!

like a fruity type of sweet!

but adult version LOL

some people said it has a citrus touch to it and i kind of smell it??

i see it more fruity tbh

but like i said, different body chemistries and such

this is a scent that he said he’s been using lately during nct u’s make a wish promo era

and i believe he mentioned during an interview that he uses this perfume during the summer

with the tom ford fucking fabulous during the winter and said something like:

‘that should give you an idea of what kind of style/person i am.’

motherfucker has TASTES I CAN TELL YOU THAT

THE RANGE HE HAS???

how is he even real wtf

honestly i am so in love with this scent

i’ve been wearing it almost every time i’ve been going out omg it’s so nice

and one of my friends complimented it so you KNOW shit’s smell good

this might be my new favorite perfume it’S SO NICE WHAT THE HELL

HIS TASTES— HOW

do i want to buy the whole bottle

it’s tempting fUCK

rip my wallet :(

masculine or feminine? feminine!!

recommend? HELL FUCKING YEAH IT SMELLS SO NICE OMG I LOVE IT AND THE FACT I CAN WEAR IT TOO IS SO NICE

rating: the # of nct members now/10

tl;dr— he’s still smelling sexy as ever and i don’t think i’m okay

[ploffskinpluffskin]

so probably like two years ago @catsafarithewriter sent me a prompt involving natori taking care of bby lune with the line ‘it’s like i’m playing germ welfare and i’m losing’ and. well. it’s been two years and i’m still not exactly out of steam on this idea, but i am. out of ideas, almost? i have an idea of what needs to happen but the details are not clear to me lmao

but it’s the oldest fic i have hanging around for now and i’ve never really shared much (..if any??) of it, so i’m changing that now bc why not that’s basically what this blog is for

i also wanted to use this particular idea as a way to explore my ideas for how natori and persephone might have interacted, too. i remember (i’m pretty sure) catsafari mentioning that they might have occasionally butted heads since they were the resident two brain cells lmao and tbh i really like that idea too

but. well. considering the Allergy To Confrontation i’ve given natori, it’s perhaps not as bad as it might otherwise be lmao

It happens one long month in the ostensible springtime that the ruler of Cat Kingdom, the Cat King himself, decides to take an, in his own words, 'short' sabbatical, seemingly leaving only his queen in charge of the ruling duties in his absence. But as anyone who has worked in the castle for longer than... say, twenty minutes knows, with the king's advisor left behind, the burden of both responsibility and blame ends up rather oddly split. Contrarily so, in some cases.

While the two will not so brazenly undermine each other directly without the king’s presence as somehow both an anchor and a catalyst, there does exist a certain confusion among the various servants regarding just which of the pair holds true authority; the king himself seems to hold equal affection for both. So then, more important to most of the staff is which of the two is more a force to be reckoned with should they be ignored.

It’s in that arena that Queen Persephone finds herself the clear victor.

It isn’t necessarily that she’s a particularly aggressive type. It isn’t that her position as queen logically far outstrips that of advisor. It's simply that her hapless opponent is Natori. Natori, who seems content to deal with setbacks and insults with little more than a chagrined, disappointed look before he will ultimately sigh and steel himself against whatever cold wind blows over him.

[ insert stuff i haven’t written yet jfjifa ]

It's how Natori finds himself looking upon Queen Persephone and her year-old son, whom she appears to be subtly offering to him, with what he's certain must be a long-suffering and exasperated expression. It isn't in any way how he's neither inclined nor trained to interact with his royal employers, but with one of them wandering off on his own for what amounts to a respite from luxury and the other now essentially asking to play hooky for the day, he supposes it can't be helped.

"I-- Y-Your Majesty, I don't believe I'm the most sensible choice with which to leave your child--" He tries first, what he mistakenly believes will be the easiest issue to tackle here.

But Persephone isn't deterred.

"Oh, don't be modest-- you'll do fine. You're marvelous with children! I've seen you before, you know-- you're a natural with little Lune. Please, Natori? I won't force you if you truly don't want to, but I would so dearly appreciate it."

Natori hesitates still, but he truly does feel what's left of his resolve crumbling somewhere within him. He has known Queen Persephone but a handful of years in contrast to her husband's decades, but already she has proven herself to be earnestly endearing— a perhaps requisite quick wit and a no-nonsense practicality to her (one that sees the two of them occasionally locking metaphorical horns when the king is less certain of his own actions). Despite that, however, Natori feels little in the way of genuine enmity toward her.

And it occurs to him suddenly, with such delay he's almost utterly bewildered, just how unlike her this really seems.

"...W-Well..." He replies, finally reaching out for Lune. The toddler cranes his neck to look up at him, blinking owlishly. Then, Natori continues, weakly, "...I... suppose there's no harm in it. A-After all, the king himself is... vacationing, so it's only fair."

The unabashed delight with which Persephone claps her paws together before reaching out for his own (the one that isn't clutching Lune close to him, anyway) is very nearly a reassurance in his decision all on its own. He can't help but give her a wavering smile in response.

"Thank you, Natori--! Now, you know he's a good baby, so I don't think he'll give you much trouble. But... I-I'm afraid if he does, you will be on your own..." For the first time, Persephone looks rather uncertain, guilty with her decision.

Natori nods once with a short laugh, almost encouragingly, before waving her off, "Now, you said it yourself, didn't you? The little prince is hardly the first fussy child I've tended to. I do promise you-- I'm up to snuff! Please, go to your rendezvous and enjoy yourself."

And it's there, at his careless word choice, that the queen's expression freezes. It's startling, so fleeting he might almost be forgiven for believing he'd imagined it. And torn between addressing Persephone the Queen or Persephone the young bride, mother, and distant, blossoming friend, Natori misses his moment to intervene.

She's all appreciative, elated smiles again just seconds later, cooing over Lune and telling him to be good, and Natori feels the moment pass silently between them.

“Thank you again, Natori,” she says as she eventually turns to leave, and that same desire from before to intervene resurfaces.

“Be safe,” Natori manages faintly, and though Persephone’s back is turned, something in his voice must have called to her, because she hesitates for what feels like a long minute, before ultimately turning back to him with a thin smile and a wave of her paw.

“I’m always careful,” she responds airily.

Natori doesn’t mention that carefulness does not guarantee safety.

[hatsukeii]

One where y/n has been obviously in love with Tsuki since they were kids and not afraid to show it, but he’s always been lowkey mean to her and thinks she’s annoying and then finally years later she decides he’s not a nice guy and let’s him know she’s fine with all that crap and then he realizes he’s falling for her and does something really sweet for her and they fall in love? 😭😭🥺👉🏻👈🏻 ty in advance. Sorry if this is too long or specific, if it is, feel free to ignore

I genuinely hope you didn’t think I would actually ignore this<33

IM SORRY IM A MASTER PROCRASTINATOR ILY ALL AND YOU ALL DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM ME

Dear diary//Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: Cursing

Genre: Angst??? I guess???

Summary: He’s an ass, but you still love him to bits, and it’s killing you.

July 16, 2008

Dear Diary,

I got to play with Tsukki again! He had his dino with him, it was super cute! He told me his front teeth came off last night, and there’s a big hole in his teeth, but it’s okay, because he said it will grow back. I tried to hold his hand while going down the twin slides but he said it was sweaty, so next time I’ll wear gloves!

You flip through the hot pink diary, cringing at your young infatuation. Your diary entries were cringey as fuck, but they always rekindle something within you whenever you read them. You can’t even remember when you stopped writing in the book. Was it when you turned 10? Maybe 12? You don’t have a single clue.

April 30, 2011

Dear Diary,

Tsukki refused to marry me in the playground at break:(( I’ve known him for so long though, aren’t we supposed to get married? I just wanna hold his hand and hug him and give him a biiiiig kiss<33

Chuckling at the memory, you recalled the event from that entry clearly. You were seven years old only, still an immature kid. You still thought that getting married in a middle school playground was a huge milestone in life, almost as crucial as a legal marriage.

May 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

Love how Tsukki didn’t even remember my birthday:,) Must be nice getting made fun of. Half the students in my class felt my second hand embarrassment from when he completely forgot about it. God, why am I even in love with this asshole? I’m gonna have to go to school tomorrow and deal with all my classmates making fun of me for being hopeless. Brb, currently digging a hole for myself:)

Frowning at the memory, you think back to when you were twelve. He was an asshole then, still is an asshole to this day. And yet not an ounce of your unconditional love and support for him has faded. Grabbing a tissue, you wipe the remaining tears from your eyes, ignoring the dried tear stains on your cheek. Your hand slams onto the bedside table, lazily feeling for your phone. Tilting it towards your face, you sigh at the empty lock screen, accepting defeat. Flicking through the rest of the book, you are welcomed by pages and pages of white. “So that’s when I gave up on this diary...” you mutter to yourself as you lift yourself up from your bed. Heading towards your desk, you absentmindedly grab yourself a pen, notebook in hand. Slamming the diary down, you open it up to the next entry page after your last one, gently placing the tip of your pen on the first line. You grab your hair out of frustration, the ink bleeding into the thin paper. “What to do, what to do...?” You mumble, starting to form sentences in your notebook.

July 17, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Holy shit, all my entries were about Tsukki weren’t they? Jesus, of course they were. At least I was able to get it off my chest this afternoon. Telling him that I’ve been in love with him for years, that was fucking terrifying. Telling him that although I know he’s an ass, an animatronic dick complete with ballsack, that won’t stop me from falling harder, it was gut wrenching, but also relieving to a certain degree. I’m still waiting for some form of response, although I’m not sure I’m gonna get one anytime soon. I can’t decide whether telling him was the dumbest or bravest decision I’ve made. Maybe it was both. Just wait until I look back on this entry like a decade later and still cry about it lmao. Tbh he’s a genuinely nice person at heart. I know that all too well. He may be an ass most the time, and he may think I’m annoying, but despite how hard he tries to push me away, I’ll never abandon him. Jesus Christ, I sound like a yandere here, but it’s not that. It’s that I care for him a lot. Maybe even a bit too much. It’s ridiculous how absolute and utter shit a crush can make you feel.

Throwing the pen down, you flop back onto your bed, huffing into the thick blankets. You stay silent, not sure of what to think of the situation. “I’ll just deal with it all tomorrow, I’m tired of this shit.”

On the other side of the incident, Tsukishima is currently going through a mental crisis.

The blond sits at his desk, eyes unwavering, but focusing on nothing. It feels as if he hasn’t blinked in what seemed to be hours. Just hours of staring at his wall that led to nothing. Your confession plays in his head nonstop, like a broken record that refused to run out of battery.

“The thing is I like you. I’m pretty sure I always have. And I know that you’re such an asshole and all that, you won’t treat me as well as people would expect, but it’s fine. I’m fine with all that. All the dumb, stupid, careless insults you’ll throw at me, the side eyes and sneers, telling me to shut up and go away, I’m fine with it. I know you’re a good person, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Well shit what the fuck do you want me to say?”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

Maybe he should have let you down slowly.

But as he stares at his wall, the photos of the two of you framed and balanced on his floating shelves, he starts to reconsider his feelings.

The way your expression faltered then as you hastily took your bag and rushed away without a single word, the way you avoided him in the halls, the way you stopped talking to him throughout the day, it drove him crazy. He couldn’t handle the realisation that he hurt you so incredibly badly, so now all he can do is stare at his empty, blank wall. Did he know why he felt that way? No. He didn’t and still doesn’t. He’s Tsukishima fucking Kei, the emotionless, provoking, unlikeable king, yet a mere girl is somehow able to mess with his mind so badly, that all he can do is wallow in regret and confusion? What is this weird feeling? His throat itches, his heart is beating like crazy, sweat starting to gather around his temples. He clamps his two hands together, slamming his forehead onto them and squeezing his eyes shut.

How could I have been so dense?

How was he unable to see that you were absolutely in love with him? Even with the bento boxes, birthday gifts, constant compliments, he still only ever thought you liked him as a friend. However he never did. He likes you more than that. Way more. Yes, he thought, and still thinks you can be annoying at times, especially when you nag at him about not eating enough or being rude, but it was undeniable that there was something else he felt. But his stupid ass shitty ego would never let him admit it. And now that you finally confessed, he freaked out and fucked up. Even then, he didn’t think it would affect him to this extent.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you (Y/N).”

He says that over and over again, desperate to cloud out the disagreeing thoughts in his head that scream otherwise.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

The guilt didn’t go away.

In fact, now that he’s said all that, he feels even worse. Oh how much he wants to find you right this second, wrap you in his arms, tell you how incredibly sorry he is, but he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to do that. His heart is begging for him to just get out of the house and run to yours as fast as he could, but his body won’t move. He wants to cry. Scream. Shout. Throw something. Shatter something. But most of all, he wants to get another chance.

Picking up his phone, he hesitates, before typing in your contact, the cleared out, empty chatroom showing up on his screen. Going as fast as his fingers could, he typed out the one sentence he’s been dying to let out.

“It was a middle school crush, but I’m still into you. I always have been.”

Is it just me, or is this bad-

Idk man it seems like all my fics are pretty much the same and I hate it😌

Tags:

@sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @justachillgirl @trashcanweeb @just-another-bored-writer @poppirocks @majorfangirl37 @kaylacinderella @random-fandomlover @tiger1719 @tiredgr3mlin @itmekisuu @skyeackermans @talks-a-lot-of-stuff @shoutsukii @agentvicinity @sakusasgarbage @kuroo-thought-of-a-better-un @sneezefiction @bokutokoutarou @thirstyvolleyballhoe @iwaixiumi @iwaigroomi @inlwlevi

Feel free to comment or pm to be added to taglist!

I’m back to writing lmao I’m bored in two week quarantine rn

Edit: cue me realising I was half asleep and missed something in the request don’t be surprised if I repost this💀💀💀💀

Btw the hq manga just ended time to cry

💕💕💕💕

[dastardlydandelion]

I wish you would write a fic where Susan got to keep her baby for once.

well. hm. what would this look like in my hands. okay, okay, so in this particular scenario, i actually imagine neil was putting 2 + 2 together and finding out susan's preggo right after the move. like, even before susan does. and she's all kinds of alarmed but neil is?? oddly excited?

he's all like, "isn't this great? we get to have a new baby in this new town. what a perfect way to cement our brand new life, huh?"

and susan doesn't want to be hopeful but with neil's positive reaction, she tentatively feels hope anyway. maybe things rly will be different, right?

continues under the cut bc this got fucking long.

yeah, well, neil's good mood lasts until it's actually born and responsibilities ensue. he never had to deal with billy as a baby rly, bc billy's mom took care of that part and also, like. in this 'verse at least, billy was a low-maintenance baby. didn't cry much. maybe he did at first but like, after being dropped on the head a couple times, he just went quiet and didn't rly bother anybody after that. wouldn't get loud again until elementary age. and max didn't come into neil's life until she was even elementary age, so defo past all the baby stuff.

the new infant tho screams like a mofo. everybody in the house is on edge. sleep is hard to come by for the whole household. the care and keeping responsibilities mostly fall on susan but neil holds it against her every. single. time. he has to change a diaper or hold a bottle, as if it's some major failing on susan's part that he should ever have to do anything like this at all.

max tries to help but she can't even hold the baby tbh. it makes her v uncomfortable, she never gets it right and doesn't know what to do when it squirms!! what if she drops it!? plus she thinks baby smells weird even when it's got a clean diaper, an unappealing mashed food and powder combo with a lingering whiff of wet rubber. and billy. is billy. he has to watch it sometimes, naturally. if it's just him and baby at home, he'll blast his stereo to cover up the crying, as long as he knows its other needs have been tended to. like, yk, the "it'll cry itself to sleep eventually," approach. which works actually. metallica becomes the go-to baby lullaby.

but lo and behold, when it's like, let's say 6 months or smth, baby gets an ear infection. like babies do. won't stop wailing. just. will NOT stop. v much in pain and has no other means of communication. neil and max are home. billy is on a date. susan's stuck in a long line at the grocery store. neil had a shitty day at work and he's already aggravated. pacifier isn't working, lil thing just keeps hollering, so. in a burst of frustration, he starts throttling baby. max is in her own room but hears it the second the noises change and hurries to help, blood ice cold.

she stops neil from killing baby sibling but gets a black eye and a bloody nose for her troubles. this is what susan comes home to. i've written a lot of susan kills neil scenarios but i think this is the first one that comes to mind where in this round, it really is out of anger and not fear. both are present, ofc. but the actual act on her part is one of anger. bc she feels stupid that he ever had her the slightest bit convinced a new baby would make anything better. that neil ever made her feel like he'd be better and instead, he chose to be even worse. susan ties him to the bedposts under the guise of a sex thing, convincing neil she wants to treat him to smth special bc he's been oh so stressed out lately. bashes his brains in with a hammer at least 20 times, a la sally challen style.

alas, reality commences and susan goes to prison. ig a long time ago there was this made for tv movie abt this lady killing her abusive husband by setting the bed aflame that gave the public the misconception that women who kill their abusers are typically acquitted, but uh, that's not true. yeah, it was true for the lady whom the movie was based off of, but usually they're convicted and serve unduly harsh sentences for their "crimes." but if i get on that soap box, we gonna be here the whole fucking day, so, moving on now. susan's off to the big house. albeit both baby and max's injuries are documented and considered mitigating circumstances so her charges are reduced from first degree murder to voluntary manslaughter with the potential for early release.

billy's close to 19 so he's an adult, if only technically speaking. has custody of baby and max. i've decided baby in this 'verse is amab but will eventually come out as trans when she's abt ten yrs old. billy tries his best. max tries her best too. baby's nickname is ducky bc the rubber duck?? by far the favorite toy!! baby p much lives in the bathtub, playing with the rubber duck. billy, who would move them back to cali in a heartbeat if it wasn't so far from susan's prison, defo relates. he's also aquatic by nature.

okay, so the move back to cali does happen. over the months of her kids coming to visit her in prison susan can see how exhausted the teenagers are and she's p much just like, 'u guys gotta go. get outta this rural heckhole u hate, stop bringing urselves n my bby to this dismal place.' and they don't think she's serious but the next time they come to visit, she doesn't meet them, so. yup. serious it is. billy, max, n baby take neil's life insurance money and head off to cali.

this is a modern au, okay, inmates sneaking smartphones into the prison n all that. so susan makes deals and friends and does favors, and gets some help from the ones who are good at bitcoin and scams and counterfeiting and what have you. this enables her to do discreet online "shopping." so she gets ducky all kinds of rubber ducks, at least a handful of times a year. the ducks get more unique and less childish as ducky grows. susan apologizes almost every time she talks to the older kids on the phone for like, five yrs. max isn't rly angry with how things ended with neil tho, more so has that residual anger that susan ever got together with neil in the first place. billy doesn't rly know what to feel tbh, accepts the apologies p numbly bc he's too damn exhausted with being the primary caregiver in over his head to even think abt how he feels at the end of the day.

susan gets released on good behavior around the same time ducky comes out, announcing she's a girl. it's an adjustment for billy and max to get used to bc they never rly suspected, but they're 100% supportive. susan is...oddly excited? not for selfless reasons (tho she is earnestly supportive) but bc it's like. not only does that mean trashing the masculine deadname neil had adamantly declared for ducky, but it means all in all, she got out at the perfect time bc she gets to be introduced to the authentic version of her child along w errbody else. makes her feel less left behind, like she didn't miss out on errything despite being put away for a decade. susan moves in with all of them, obvi, in a small house by the seaside filled to the brim with rubber ducks (billy and max also contributed to ducky's collection on birthdays and holidays, the first duck billy ever got has skulls, and the first max ever got is a frankenstein monster duck). home is cluttered, awkward, and tentative but free of fear and ripe with *genuine* new beginnings.

believe me, anonymoose, i am just as surprised as u are at how fuckin long this got.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 13 reactions

Well, that was... well. in short I quite enjoyed some of what happened while din was there and I didn’t really care about what happened while he wasn’t there lol. I think it’s becoming increasingly clear that I just don’t care for the episodes dave filoni writes for this show, which is simply a matter of taste I guess. 

(if you loved this episode wholeheartedly -- probably look away now, I’m going to be a bit of a downer about it and I don’t want to shit on your joy haha)

- let’s just get this out of the way first: there’s a lot of stuff around rosaria dawson and transphobia in real life and yeah, of course that affects how I watch the show. I don’t even want to talk that much about ahsoka in this because of it. she was not that good in the role, after seeing how it played out I don’t think the character needed to be in this show at all, and she should never have gotten the role in the first place and that’s about it for what I’ve got to say. 

- dave filoni consistently does things with din’s characterization that feels off and weird to me, subtly out of place with what we see in other episodes (he’s... ruder? more short tempered/cocky/actively or aggressively interpersonal? more prone to express himself directly than he is usually? idk how to describe it but filoni!din always feels one step to the left of what he should be and I’m so hyper-attuned to this character that when something’s a bit iffy with him it throws everything else off haha. it feels like a shallower, more convenient read on him and I don’t like it)  

I also think filoni is almost too familiar with and in love with the source material sometimes? “A Mandalorian and a Jedi? They’ll never see it coming” is undeniably a great line that echoes in decades of deep lore and so on, but dave my good man din had no real idea what a jedi even is until literally this morning. we, the audience, know about this long and storied history, but unless ahsoka spent the afternoon explaining it to him din still only knows the faint outlines of it, he has no personal experience of or attachment to it. it’s not bad, as such, it just rings false to the character based tone of the show for me personally 

- positivity break: baby sitting perched on the dashboard to be close to papa while they’re in hyperspace........sd sdfskdjhfdsakjksdhfkasjd  

also this is some full on madonna and child in the manger shit and I am LIVING for it (odds he’s crying quietly behind the helmet here? pretty damn good if you ask me). the mundanity of what’s essentially the shitty spartan bathroom of the razor crest on one side contrasted with the light and tenderness and love on the other? amazing, a perfect microcosm of what this show does with combining the grittier everyday down to earth stuff in the star wars universe with myth and wonder and magic and through it elevating both

 - the idea of having an iconique samurai/sword duel standoff and a western standoff going on simultaneously is genuinely inspired, but in action it didn’t really work for me. (the sword duel stuff needs these moments of stillness with sudden outbursts of violence and then stillness again, the western standoff needs mounting tension until it’s nearly unbearable, and cutting between them the way they did you sort of didn’t get either to its full potential. again it’s a cool idea, though, I hope someone picks it up and does it better at some point)

- seeing a jedi and a mandalorian wander together through a burned out wasteland left desolate by greed and warfare should have hit me harder than it did but for some reason it didn’t, idk. thematically sound, though, I like it a lot on the metaphor level

- I LOVE that pure beskar makes a specific sound, and that it’s an almost ethereal noise like the high clear chime of a distant bell. also now din has something to fight light sabers with that isn’t the dark saber which makes me so happy because you guys I do not want him to be the mand’alor. keep that funky laser sword away from my dad, apart from killing him at the end that is literally the most boring way to end his arc pls do NOt 

- wow they really went in hard on the samurai stuff in this one huh! there is a part of my mchanzo-loving heart that thrives on seeing a space cowboy and a space samurai team up, *wild otp-fuelled whisper* they’re twin genres inextricably entwined okay they belong together if you see this spreadsheet I’ve made over here -- 

- even knowing it was just a trick I felt such intense distress seeing the signet pauldron away from din. like the attachment I have to these pieces of metal because That Armour Means Dad... wild  

- they really chose the dumbest name possible for the baby huh fsajdfhsaj I agree with din his name is ‘kid’ now (eh just give me a while to get used to it probably I’ll come around)

also... you know what I’ve said before about shrinking the big unknowable galaxy ‘the mandalorian’ has been setting up? wow did they do that big time in this one, and it makes me feel decidedly :/. why does the baby have to come from the jedi temple, is there truly no other tradition of force users in the entire galaxy he could be from? WHY do you have to pull thrawn into this when most people watching this show won’t even know why he’s such a big deal? is this a stealth tease for a rebels sequel? if so why spend an entire episode of this show that only gets eight precious episodes a season on it??   

- on a more fun positive note: baby’s clothes are clean again, so it’s confirmed that din does wash them (and I guess that he does have some means of washing clothes aboard the razor crest!). I loved... most of the dad and baby stuff in this one, but then don’t I always I’m easy to please that way haha (the ‘playing catch’ sequence felt a bit off to me but I don’t know why. din being like ‘he’s so stubborn’ wasn’t... eh. didn’t land right. “that would be a first” was fun tho lol) 

- having ahsoka state the baby’s feelings out loud like that felt... weird? and also kind of unnecessary in parts, like yeah he’s a baby who’s been passed along to different groups of strangers and experimented on by empire scientists, you don’t need to spell it out for me that he’s been scared and lonely, or at least spell it out more interestingly? it’s such blunt force storytelling where it didn’t need to be? there are more elegant ways to get the same things across, I am absolutely convinced 

- ...wow while I was watching the episode I was mostly like ‘okay this is Fine I can go along with it’ but seeing what I’m thinking about in hindsight... yeah probably my least favourite episode of this show full stop haha, it took the spot from chapter 5 which was also a filoni ep

- I did 100% genuinely adore the whole part of din approaching the town and meeting the magistrate. consistently hiding the baby behind his cape and his arm? being deliberately, teeth-grindingly dispassionate with everyone, just giving them nothing? getting to see a bit of professional bounty hunter din again? wonderful in every way, I love this man  

- lots of meaningful shots of baby in the middle with a mando on one side and a jedi on the other, it’s almost like they’re setting up some Themes here lol 

- ...do you think din told ahsoka about either the rhino-levitating or the force choking. because girl I don’t think not training him is going to make this just go away haha, he just won’t know what he’s doing  

- it makes me so sad that baby connects his force powers with being abused :( (also a heartbreaking sign of just how much he cared about din from the very beginning, since he used it on the mudhorn to save him anyway ;________; was that like. literally the first time he sensed kindness and affection in anyone in like twenty five years or... ) 

- I understand why ahsoka would feel this way because of her past and specific traumas, but tbh attachment in a baby? probably a good thing, he doesn’t really have the higher brain functions to cultivate non-attachment yet and needs a safe figure because again. he is a baby. 

good on her for realizing it’s not a task she can take on both for the baby’s sake and her own, and also that din is that baby’s Dad though. the way she smiled at the end watching them leave seemed vaguely hopeful/had a little bit of wonder in it, like maybe she felt the potential for something good there, something she couldn’t conceptualize from her background but could sense the tentative outlines of anyway?  

(also so much pressure on a lil bb to decide his path... his dilemmas should be limited to what colour socks he wants to wear today not the course of his entire life :( I know he’s a magic baby but.......) 

- idk maybe I’ll find more affection of this episode through rewatches, you never know

[zoryany]

Hi! I REALLY liked that Skysolo AU where Han has to meet the royal family, if I prompt you ‘8. I know of your reputation all too well.’ could you possible continue it so he meets Vader? 🥺 (totally understand if not, great AU either way!!)

I’m glad you enjoyed it and I ABSOLUTELY can continue it with that prompt, thank you !! (I’ve definitely blurred the line between “ficlet” and full-blown fanfic at this point tbh…)Imperial Royal Skywalker Family AU Pt 1 || send me ficlet prompts – optionally include characters

After they’d finished their tea, Luke was quick to excuse himself and Han, ushering his guest towards the suite he’d prepared earlier. A wave of relief rolled off Han the moment they left the parlour, and Luke couldn’t help but share the sentiment. Everyone had been civil enough for the duration, but Luke had felt the tension that lingered beneath the polite conversation. Mother and Leia were both furious with him, he could tell, and though both would maintain a proper amount of decorum in front of their guest, Luke knew exactly what he was in for once Father returned.

That was not something he was looking forward to.

As he led Han through the corridors between the parlour and the guest room, Luke tried to stay relaxed and exude as much nonchalance as possible. “Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it? I’d say you’ve won over two out of three already. Probably helps they’re both so upset with me that it’s easier for them to speak to you without snapping right now. Though I will be getting an earful later…”

“Gee, that makes me feel real great about this whole thing,” Han grumbled. Luke couldn’t help but feel sheepish at that, which Han instantly noticed and grimaced in response. “No, I just meant that – look, I’m sorry you’re in this mess, and I’m sorry if it’s ‘cause of me…”

“Hey,” Luke said sharply, “none of that. You didn’t make me leave home in the first place, and while I’ve definitely been enjoying our time together, don’t flatter yourself into thinking you’re the reason I’ve stayed away this long.” Chuckling lightly at the look of offense he was getting from the smuggler, Luke continued. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s no way I would’ve stayed on Ord Mantell as long as I did if not for you, but truth be told… well I actually would’ve stayed away longer if we hadn’t met – just on some other planet.”

He could feel the curiosity burning within Han. They never really talked about why he ran away or what he was doing on Ord Mantell. That was part of the reason the two of them had gotten along, initially – no obligation to speak about their pasts, just focus on the present and the future. Even now, Han wasn’t pushing him despite his clear curiosity, but Luke couldn’t avoid his responsibilities forever.

Reaching the door to the guest room, he let out a sigh as he pushed the door open and gestured for Han to enter first. The smuggler hesitated slightly before breezing past the threshold and into the suite. It was not nearly so resplendent as the Royal Rooms, but it was still the height of luxury. Luke had been sure to select one of the smaller rooms and furnish it modestly enough so Han wouldn’t be overwhelmed, but he was all too aware of how extravagant it was. Simple yet tasteful artwork lined the walls, a large window revealed a magnificent view of Coruscant’s upper levels, and the bed that dominated the space was a plush four-poster with a dreamsilk canopy draped over it. Most of the bedding in the Palace was expensive and made of some form of soft, silk-like material, but Luke had managed to dig up a set of lighter sheets made of Alderaanian cotton that would better suit Han’s comfort level. And, sitting on top of the bed was –

“Mother…” Luke groaned as Han held up the finery and examined it. “She wants you to dress for dinner. Probably sent Threepio to set these out for you while we were distracted by tea, and I’m willing to bet my lightsaber that those will fit you perfectly. I’ll throw in my speeder and guess that I’ve got an outfit set out, too.”

“She seriously expects me to wear this?” Han was holding the dark-coloured suit as though it was made of tissue and would shred if he gripped it too tight. “I’m pretty sure the shirt alone cost more than I’ve made – or ever will make – in my entire life.”

Grimacing, Luke felt a pang of embarrassment, knowing full well that he couldn’t deny that. It was part of the reason he’d left in the first place. He’d never felt comfortable with his status, preferring instead to tinker with mechanics or get to know the people or practice flying over the city. Being a prince just never sat quite right with him. But his parents insisted on nothing short of the best for their children, and nothing quite surpassed their desire to keep the twins safe. They meant well. Luke knew they meant well. They were just… stubborn.

He wasn’t ready for that conversation with Han yet, though, so instead he just let out a breezy laugh and shook his head. “I think you’ll look dashing in it. Mother does have impeccable taste, after all. You don’t gotta put it on yet, though. We still have a bit of time before dinner. I can give you a tour, show you all the places I hid and the secrets I discovered growing up.”

***

Tugging lightly at his collar, Han shifted in his seat, hoping he didn’t appear too awkward as he tried not to stare at Luke sitting across from him. When the two had met, he never would have guessed that the scruffy blond with grease on his cheek and dirt under his fingernails could possibly be anyone even remotely noble. He looked like just about every other down-on-his-luck scoundrel just trying to scrape by, even if the kid had a lot more enthusiasm than most. But if Han thought the difference in his voice when speaking to his mother was jarring, seeing Luke dressed up and put together was staggering.

Though his hair wasn’t quite slicked down – Han wasn’t sure if that was even possible, anyways – it was obvious that Luke had at least put some effort into making it presentable, and it lay a lot smoother than usual, framing his face. A white shirt was visible beneath a black tunic, and he wore matching black trousers, all made from the same, expensive-looking material. The real highlight of the outfit, however, was the deep blue cape secured around his neck with a bright golden clasp and a silvery pattern woven throughout the material like constellations. Luke wore the night sky, which only served to make his features appear even more like a radiant sun.

Han had been mostly quiet through the meal in an effort to keep himself from saying anything overly foolish, sticking to polite acknowledgements and general courtesies. He was so caught up in maintaining decorum that he didn’t even really hear much of the conversation around him, catching only snippets here and there.

Luke looked much more at ease than Han was, and he even appeared to have relaxed since the tense tea session they’d had earlier. He was sharing lighthearted banter with his sister (who kept shooting Han suspicious glances, albeit less frequently than before) and chatting pleasantly with his mother (who seemed far warmer and more genuine than earlier). It was clear that, despite the conversations the family still needed to have, they maintained a strong bond and genuine love for one another.

(Han was decidedly not jealous of that. Not at all.)

The pleasant air in the dining room carried on into dessert, by which time even Han had relaxed a bit and would make the odd remark or share the odd barb with the Princess. They had almost finished working their way through the decadent assortment of cakes and pastries when the atmosphere suddenly shifted.

The change was most obvious in Luke, whose eyes blew wide and a shudder rippled through him as he stiffened in his seat. Gasping with a shaky breath, he lifted his gaze and fixed it on something behind Han’s chair.

“Father.” Oh. Kriff. He probably should have been able to guess that. “I, uh – you weren’t due to return home until after dinner.” It was incredible how quickly the kid’s composure could crumble, switching instantly from the picture of Imperial Royalty to the naive, stammering vagabond who could not lie to save his life.

“No, I was not.” The basso tone produced by the vocoder seemed to fill the entire room, and Han had to suppress a shudder as the towering dark form crept into his field of view like a shadow. Darth Vader loomed over Luke, who looked absolutely tiny next to him, and Han had to give the kid credit for not cowering when a gloved finger was pointed between his eyes. “I do, however, have every right to alter my schedule when matters arise concerning my son.” Luke did cringe a little bit at that. Vader wasn’t done. “My son, who I have not heard from in several weeks, who has returned home with… company.”

Han could not say he deserved the same credit as Luke as he cowered the moment that death mask turned to face him. “Ah yeah, hi, that’s me, uhh nice to meet you, Mr. Vader, sir, I’m –”

“Captain Han Solo.” His jaw dropped and he gaped at Vader as he cut him off. “Yes. I know of your reputation all too well.”

Luke’s eyes had gone wide again, and his jaw dropped down as well. Even the Princess seemed taken aback, though the Empress seemed unfazed.

“You – you know who I am?”

“I make a point to know who the Hutts choose to have dealings with.”

Oh. Kriff, he’d forgotten about Vader’s vendetta against the Hutts. “Hey, hey, I don’t go makin’ a habit of it or anything, just a few jobs for Jabba – who didn’t even like me, anyway. Put a bounty on my head when I dropped a job after realizing the cargo wasn’t spice. I don’t smuggle people. Far’s I’m concerned, the galaxy’s better off without him.”

Vader inclined his helmet slightly while keeping his gaze fixed on Han. The dark, deep crimson of the eyeplates felt like they would burn twin holes right through him. “I must admit,” Vader finally said, “that I can agree with you in that regard, at the very least.” For the briefest second, Han got the impression of amusement before the temperature in the room plummeted again and he had to work to keep his composure. “That does not, however, change the fact that you are still a criminal, nor does it excuse the rest of your misdeeds.”

“Well,” said Han, silently cursing his uncontrollable disregard for his own wellbeing, “ya got me there. But I’m a changed man, honest. I’m pretty aware of your reputation, too, and I got no interest in experiencing it firsthand.”

From across the table, he caught a glimpse of Luke’s expression, which was a confused jumble of amusement, horror, mortification, disbelief and resignation. Beside her brother, the Princess concealed a snort, passing it off as a cough. Han was pretty sure he was done for when Vader took a step forward, his arms uncrossing from his chest as he reached a hand towards him, but the Empress had fluidly risen from her seat and appeared at his side.

Resting her hands delicately on his arm, she gazed up at him with a gentle, soothing expression and whispered something that sounded like “Ani.” Her next words were clearer while still remaining gentle and placating. “Captain Solo here is Luke’s guest, and I have personally offered him our hospitality. Please refrain from terrorizing him tonight. You know how our children feel when you frighten off their company.” Luke and Leia both flushed pink and sunk in their seats.

On the surface, it was a standard family interaction, mother holding back father, father upholding authority, children doing all they could to mitigate their embarrassment, but Han could not think of anything more surreal. The mother in question was the most politically powerful person in the galaxy, dressed in resplendent garments of deep crimson as she looked lovingly up at her husband. The father was the most dangerous man in the galaxy, cutting an intimidating figure and dwarfing his wife while still, somehow, managing an unexpected level of tenderness. The children were set to inherit the galaxy, twin Highnesses -- one of whom he was involved with -- and no less dangerous than their parents.

And Han... had no idea what to do with himself.

Far more gentle than he would have ever expected possible, Vader rested a hand on his wife’s cheek and the two shared a brief embrace, seeming to exchange something entirely private and intimate. In their seats, Luke and Leia flushed deeper, and Han found himself wishing he was anywhere else. Withdrawing his hand, Vader seemed somewhat reluctant as he took a step back. 

“Very well. This is clearly not a conversation for the dinner table. I shall retreat to my study to tie up what loose ends I can while you conclude your meal. However,” Vader turned to face his son, “your mother and I have much to discuss with you, boy. Do not attempt to needlessly delay this discussion.”

Luke, who had slid about as far down in his seat as he could without falling right off, grimaced and looked up at his father with an expression of contrition. “Yes, sir,” he mumbled before stuffing a small pastry in his mouth.

Vader turned on his heel and swept out of the dining room, leaving it in a thoroughly uncomfortable silence. The Princess was resting her hand on Luke’s shoulder and giving her brother, who appeared mortified, a sympathetic look. The Empress had returned to her seat, looking nonplussed, though she had regained some measure of her former severity. 

Once again, Han shifted in his seat and avoided everyone’s gaze. He was starting to get a clearer picture of what he’d gotten himself into. Now he found himself wondering if he’d finally manage to get in over his head.

[mllemouse]

Tw Idk gender confusion???? I am throwing this here to the void bc I've been talking to myself literally all day and really very often for the last few weeks and maybe if I write it it will becomeore cohesive. On mobile, can't put in a jump so just be forewarned of a deluge.

Tw cancer and surgery and imagined gore!!!

Okay so. J tells me they're non-binary, that's very cool to me, but embarrassing after I told them I go by my first initial online bc I'm an easy Google, thinking they were a basic straight boy. (Also, the main reason I even liked them was bc in their profile they are beautiful and a lil feminine and I am just oblivious as fuck!!) I started going by an initial like 8-10 years ago and since have slowly been changing up my name where possible as I come across a new place it's stored.

Tbh I originally consciously chose an initial bc I just didn't want people immediately judging me as a woman. It infiltrated my personal life some, there are people who just call me L, my ex referred to me as L in all his notes, my mum addresses postcards and packages to me as L, and it's given me a lot of delight! The idea that people don't know my gender, or that they know and choose to continue using the initial has always left me just chuffed. I knew a couple other people that came out and switched to an initial as their name everywhere, but like didn't connect it to myself until J asked about it specifically bc they had a hunch I was also nb. (Honestly, my opening profile line is 'be the love child of Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormand you wish to see in the world' and then the whole profile is me in my glasses and nerd clothes... It's uh, not a stretch now that I look at it.)

I quickly did some refreshing on definitions and language, which punted me straight back to middle school when I hit puberty and started feeling so! Deeply! Uncomfortable! In my body. I used to stand in front of my mirror in my undies and stare in horror at what was happening. I had been wearing a bra since grade 5 out of shame in the girl's changing room for gym, that was less of an issue (I literally threw out those bras when I went to college bc they just got ratty, not bc I grew out of them!), but I watched my hips develop and envisioned having them sawed back down so they could be narrow again. I also got my period in middle school and have loathed it ever since. I wished I was a boy but only for the ease of keeping my body; I didn't want to dress different or change my interests. I wasn't raised in away that dictated male or female activities/interests or even clothing -- except I hated that my brother was allowed to go topless in public whereas I could only do so in a backyard -- yet gender noncomformity, while always accepted, was just not that actively encouraged. Educators told us what to expect during puberty but never that we should tell someone if we were so distraught over it.

I didn't really get much in the way of boobs but I used a tensor bandage as a binder through middle and high school (not even knowing what that was, I just wanted to be flat and saw Gwyneth Paltrow do it in Shakespeare in Love!), I remember sneaking it into my bags for college, but I don't have specific memories of using it then. I was kind of happy with them at figure skating bc I ended up being like the only girl who didn't need a bra or padding in her dresses, my mum just sewed a triple layer of fabric in the front for warmth and I was good to go. I was deeply ashamed of my hips and thighs however, and we got in fights over my skirts all the time.

By the end of high school I was fantasizing about plastic surgery and a hysterectomy. At one point I wished cancer upon myself so I would have an excuse for a mastectomy and hysterectomy. My mum actually got cervical cancer and I was, I'm so sad to admit, slightly jealous.

I came to Tumblr and found the fitblr community quickly after quitting skating and dealing with mono, feeling a need to get back into something competitive. I quickly came to loathe not only my own but other women's bodies through the inspirational photos. I loved the men's bodies, and operated with a goal of getting my body fat low enough (like, aimed for a men's recommended percentage, my period could go to hell) while building muscle that I would maybe narrow my hips and shrink my breasts, while having visibly muscular abs and arms.

I'm not sure if it's a net positive thing that I crashed on my shoulder and haven't been able to fully return to the training I wanted to? After the crash I really tried to treat myself better. The body positive movement was telling me to vehemently love all of my body (nevermind it's almost solely geared towards able bodied cis women), and I tried. And I got distracted: moved away, fell in love, discovered I am probably autistic, made some significant life goals. So by the time I was settled here and feeling like I could experiment more, I channeled that entirely through clothing rather than change my body. First dictated by what's comfy (we don't do a synthetic fibre or picky knits on this body), then by how I wanted to present myself to the world: obv, Tilda Swinton in a suit. By this point I have forgotten middle school, high school, and college.

And basically, though I was somewhat consciously changing my name to an initial and intentionally dressing predominantly masculine (but like blazers and trousers and oxfords aren't... Gendered??) as a rejection of toxic patriarchy and capitalism, I ended up not even thinking it could be a gender thing until J did a double take on my name. I have thought about it occasionally over the years and honestly just never thought I was uncomfortable enough to even say I may be non-binary, let alone do anything about it. trans? I can't feel like I hold any ownership over the word. Which now seems... Insane. How did I rationalize wishing violence upon my body and putting it through truly damaging physical duress for nearly two decades in pursuit of obscuring the stuff that made me female. And don't get me wrong, I love a good dress, I tolerate skirts, sometimes I wear heels bc I like to be tall and feel powerful, and I like my face and my long hair, and sometimes I wear makeup because I think I look pretty even though it makes me want to claw my face off. (And have realised that a LOT of the way I have styled myself in the past was purely self objectification for men and not actually what I enjoyed.) I just... ???? Is that not trans enough? I still don't know!!

Anyway to end on a positive, shout-out to my mum who just doesn't give a fuck abt what I do, as she quickly changed her correspondence to me to exclusively my initial, and has always shopped in the men's section with me, and is currently making me a historically accurate 18th century men's outfit so I can really be the boyish chaos I want to see in the world. Tilda and Frances' love child indeed.

[datleggy]

a list of every anime i love/recommend, accumulated over the last 10+ years

1. NATSUME YUUJINCHOU 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is a teenage boy named Natsume, whose parents died when he was too young to remember them properly. He’s passed around random relatives homes, but because he can see yokai (spirits), he’s ostracized by classmates and his foster families (ALL HIS CHILDHOOD FLASHBACKS ARE SO FUCKING SAD) and eventually very distant relatives (an older couple who never had kids of their own and have so much goddamn love to give D:!!!) take Natsume in, and the story basically starts from there. 

It’s a very heart-warming story following Natsume’s new life in this new town, accepting his ability to see yokai, forging new relationships in the form of friends and family, and even with the yokai themselves. 

This is honestly probably my favorite anime/manga period, because it’s so sad but so cathartic and you watch as the main character grows and learns to trust those around him, and finally gets the unconditional love he’s always deserved, not to MENTION THE FACT THAT THEY DO A WHOLE EP WHERE NATSUME IS TURNED BACK INTO A LITTLE KID AND IT IS SOOOO GOOD OMG

Plus for those of you who enjoy whump, this show has a decent amount of it. Mainly emotional whump, but also some episodes where Natsume is injured or sick--as well as I believe one where his companion (the chubby cat on his shoulder who’s actually a pretty badass yokai) gets shot with an arrow and is down for the count. 

10/10 would and have watched again. 

2. KODOCHA NO OMOCHA 

SUMMARY/REVIEW:  The main character is a sixth grader named Sana. She’s a gifted actress on a t.v. show everyone likes and she’s silly and fun, very intuitive and surprisingly empathetic for a child. 

Her main problem is in school, where Akito, who she deems the leader of her class’ wolf pack of rowdy rude boys, lets them terrorize not just the teacher, but all the girls in class, as well. 

I don’t really want to give a lot away, so I’ll just state the obvious. This anime/manga is shoujo, which means that it does focus on a romantic relationship throughout the series. Mainly the one between Sana and Akito. Sana is absolutely oblivious about her own feelings, while Akito is a stubborn little shit. 

I remember watching this at like, age 12 maybe? And I really enjoyed it because (although I do enjoy your typical silly doesn’t take itself too seriously slice of life shoujo) this particular anime, while super funny and light hearted at times, was also really dramatic and even kinda dark, which was surprising considering the characters ages and the general kid-friendly vibe (especially the opening for the anime). 

3. DETECTIVE CONAN

SUMMARY/REVIEW:  Our main character is initially Shinichi Kudo, teenage detective, who’s on a date with childhood sweetheart Ran (whose father also happens to a detective but like....not a good one lmao), when his nosy ass self decides to go and check out some shady business and gets “poisoned”. 

The poison he’s given is intended to kill him, but what it actually does is turn him back into a child. And now, as Conan Edogawa, (who’s 7 but like....we just supposed to believe all these cops and detectives on the force are cool with a seven year old wee lil babe on these really gruesome ass crime scenes??? lmaoooo) we follow him on his adventures as he solves crimes and tries to solve the biggest mystery of all, his own! 

I absolutely LOVE this anime/manga, even though I’ll be honest, there is SO MUCH FILLER, but I like the characters enough that I really don’t mind. The show is at least 900+ episodes in at this point, and there are a total of 26 movies so far, last time I checked. 

Also, the show is a whump fangirls’ dream come true. The main character is thrown out of windows, balconies, shot at, and in one occasion actually shot, he’s had broken bones, sprains, almost been blown up or drowned/burned, been sick, and oh, his occasional transformations from child to teenager are incredibly painful. 

This show is probably at fault for my love of whump, since it was one of my first animes at like, age 9. smh. 

4. THE DEVIL IS A PART-TIMER!

REVIEW:

I’m not even going to summarize this one. The title does it for me. This is truly one of the funniest animes I’ve ever seen. Motherfuckin Satan works at a McDonalds part time and it is the BEST. 

Technically I would count this show as a kind of harem, but only because there are like three main girl characters after the overlord Satan himself. I usually dislike harem type animes but the way this is done is sooooo good I couldn’t resist. 

I would watch a million filler episodes of Satan trying to solve problems at his minimum wage job tbh. I love every single character, I love the plot, I love everything about this anime! In terms of comedy (with the occasional plot driven serious moments) this is IT bro. 

5. BLACK BUTLER

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is Ciel Phantomhive (roughly 14 years old). His parents are killed, his house is burned to ashes, and he’s kidnapped (around age 9 or 10 I believe) and abused. During this abuse Ciel calls upon a demon to free him and help him get revenge on those who harmed the Phantomhive household, which is where Sebastian, one “hell of a good butler” comes in. 

We then follow Ciel and Sebastian on their path of vengeance, and along the way we meet Ciel’s human servants, three very clumsy and seemingly bad at their given tasks characters (i love them all), and some of his extended relatives and connections. 

My favorite thing about Black Butler is the art, both in the anime and manga. Everything is so detailed and pretty! 

The characters are interesting, the plot is dark but they manage to make most of the series overall pretty light-hearted and funny in general. Though of course there are chapters/parts of the series that get really grim (which duh, the whole thing focuses on revenge so...) 

I have to say, the arc I enjoyed the most has to be the movie, Black Butler: Book Of the Atlantic. It is beautifully drawn and sooooooo entertaining. 

6. INUYASHA 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

Our main characters are Inuyasha, a half-demon, who’s been in a sort of spiritually binding coma for the last few decades, and fourteen year old Kagome, who falls into an old well in her family’s shrine and finds herself being transported into another time period. 

Together, she and Inuyasha travel across the lands in the feudal era to find the scattered shards of the shikon jewel, a powerful jewel which grants anyone who possesses it ultimate power. 

I was too young to stay up and watch Inuyasha on adult swim, so my mom would tape the show on a VCR for me to watch the next day after school--yes, I’m old old. lmaoooo I ADORE this show. 

It’s so good! It’s got everything! A tortured lil half-demon with a sad past who’s stubborn and rude but got a good heart! A fierce and equally as stubborn main protagonist, who’s whole ass family knows exactly where she goes off to??? and are supportive af????? like???? her mama packs her and her squad of demon/exorcist/demon hunter pals bentos?!?! lmao i love it. 

The characters are awesome and funny and likable as all heck, and of course they all have their sad backstory, but like, unlike some animes (lookin at YOU Naruto) they don’t go mega overboard on it, at least not without some plot behind the episode. 

7. YU YU HAKUSHO 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

Before I even start in on the summary, ya’ll should watch this soley bc of the cute ass 90′s style animation alone. LOOK AT ALL THAT SHINY HAIR!

ANYWAY. Main character is teenage hooligan and overall cutie pie Yusuke! He gets struck by a car and fucking DIES in the first episode after shoving a little boy out of the way, only to end up in the spirit world where the head honcho up there (who looks like a wee baby) tells him “Oh shit, didn’t expect you to like, actually do anything self-sacrificing EVER so like, you���re not on our list of people who were supposed to die today...” 

And uh, I don’t wanna give anything away, so I’m just gonna say that if you haven’t seen this anime yet, you definitely should! It’s hilarious and dramatic, the fight scenes are very well done, all the side characters, who eventually become main characters are a blessing (specifically Hiei, who’ve I’ve had a crush on since I was 12) and the ending is a satisfying one, which you can’t really say for a lot of media. 

8. CHRONO CRUSADE 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

I still get weepy when I think of this anime, so all I’ll say is it’s about a badass demon slaying nurse and her demon companion and some very tragic shit. 

It’s a great anime overall, especially if you like crying yourself to sleep at night :) 

9. GHOST HUNT

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is high school student Mai, who is hired by Naru, the head of a Shibuya psychic research, and together, with a group of questionable exorcists/psychics, they encounter paranormal phenomenons and some outright scary shit. 

I’m not really a fan of the horror genre tbh but I do like mystery, and the series deals with that quite a bit. They deal with each case for several episodes so nothing feels too rushed. 

The series is really fun in a creepy, wtf is that way. I recommend the manga, only because it’s more detailed in terms of plot than the anime. 

10. ASSASSINATION CLASSROOM 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

I didn’t really make this list in any particular order but if I had to say, Assassination Classroom and Natsume Yuujinchou probably tie for BEST ANIME PERIOD! 

This anime is about a weird ass “alien” creature, no one knows where it came from or why tf it’s here on earth, all they know is that in one year it’s threatened to blow the world up. 

His only request to the government is that they let him become a teacher for Class E, the worst class of Kunugigaoka Junior High School, and he will stay put, so that they can attempt an assassination on him during this one year period. 

AND LISTEN! I am a shallow hoe, so I literally never would have read this manga or watched the series had I not been roaming Barnes and Noble one day with my S.O. and picked it up to read as a JOKE! 

I was hooked after the first chapter and I am soooooooo glad I picked this manga up, bc it is absolutely not the type I would normally go for, cover art wise. I finally, after many many years, learned not to judge a book by its cover bc LORD this anime is so goddamn good, you don’t understand! Like, I’ve watched it so many times and still laugh at the same parts, cry at the same parts, am proud af at the same parts! like, this anime is an instant classic and should definitely be more popular than it is. 

assassination classroom and natsume yuujinchou????? MASTERPIECES! 

[captainillogical]

Devil’s Ballroom ch.3

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants

    She sets her mostly empty drink down on the counter, and turns to look at you when Bismuth walks over again, stealing her gaze right back.

“That was nice, Spinel. I think that was my favorite song of yours yet.” She says to her. “You want another round?”

“Aw jeez, thanks I guess, Bis.” Spinel says sheepishly. “And yeah, I think I’ll need it tonight.”

    You pretend that nothing weird has ever happened to you at all in your life, and down the rest of your drink. You want like, 5 more of these and then you'll be able to deal with this.

Y/N: Yeah. I remember the night. She's also sitting right next to me. Uh.

Alex: for real

Y/N: I might be internally having a panic attack.

    Bismuth pours Spinel her drink, and she sighs. "It's just, today was kind of rough. Blue called and wanted to apologize for things that she doesn't need to be apologizing about, and I kind of wish they'd calm down a little and let me exist in peace."

    Bismuth nods. "Steven has talked a lot about them. They seem really difficult to be around, if I'm going to be honest. They don't quite get.. real people problems."

"You have no idea." She replies, and takes a long drink. “They don’t even understand privacy. I couldn’t do anything without them basically following me everywhere. It was stifling.”

“Seriously, I’m not sure what I expected from the Diamonds, but if you told me that 5000 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you at all.” Bismuth says, “I’m just glad you have some much needed breathing room.”

“It was long overdue. Several months in their presence was more than enough.”

    Bismuth gives Spinel a tired smile, and turns to you.

“How are you holdin up there, Y/N?” She hands you another drink. “You’ve only been here 25 minutes or so, and you’re on your 3rd already. That kinda night?”

“Err, just in the mood I guess.” You reply and laugh. You weren’t trying to eavesdrop. Bismuth turns away to a couple of other patrons and busies herself making a few mixed drinks for them.

        Alex: dude kick her for almost killing ur dad

    Y/N: What, and get myself killed? Fuck no.

    Alex: ur a pussy

    Harper: did she say anything about you taking a pic?

    Y/N: No! Please don’t curse me.

“You know, if you wanted a pic so bad of myself, you could’ve asked.”  Spinel says, turning to face you directly. You stare at your phone and can feel your face heating up for being called out. You can feel your mouth working way faster than your brain can even comprehend.

“My friends are shitheads and didn’t believe me when I said I saw someone cute on stage.” You say, and immediately shut your mouth. If you could sink into the floor right now and disappear forever, that would be great. God doesn’t grant you this though, and you curse him for it. “I mean.. I’m sorry. That was rude of me to do without your permission.” She grins. 

“Ya know, I didn’t actually see who did it, I just saw the general direction of the flash and walked towards it, and happened to find an empty seat next to someone looking fairly nervous.” She laughs. “Way to out yourself there.”

    You look at her. Fucking goddammit. “I seem to be doing a lot of that today. Ughhhhh.” You drag your hand down your face in dramatic fashion, and take a drink. You’re starting to feel the alcohol slowly take a small bit of effect. “Song was nice by the way.”

“Oh, thanks.” She looks a bit surprised, like she’s not used to compliments. Hm. 

“I’m not so musically talented myself, but uh. I can make some mean enchiladas. AND I can make a calculator spell the word “boobs”.” You say, like it’s somehow impressive.

“What’s an enchilada?” Spinel looks at you suspiciously. Oh right. Gem. 

“It’s.. food. Hold on.” You say and pull up an internet browser to google the definition of enchiladas so you can show her a pic. You see the group chat go off a couple times and keep swiping away your friend’s rapid texts, knowing that they’re asking you too many questions right now and you’re determined to show this alien one of your favorite foods. Tonight sure is a weird night. You find a good pic of enchiladas, and turn your phone towards her. “See? Tortilla, cheese, meat. Great stuff. You can even change some of the ingredients and make them a couple different ways. All pretty good if I do say so myself.” You say as she looks at it, and you can see your phone chime with another message notification. You pull your phone away quickly before she has any chance to see whatever the fuck your friends are talking about.

“Humans are strange.” She replies, a pondering look on her face. She takes another drink and sets the glass down gently, keeping her hand lightly on the glass. You notice her fingernails are short and clean. You wonder if they grow like human nails? You wonder how similar gems are to humans in general. “You guys have to eat to survive? And you all grow so much all the time, and you’re constantly changing. You can’t even grow limbs back, or shapeshift. What’s the point?”

“The point?” You laugh. “I mean, science IS advancing and we can grow organs from plants, in a lab. Can’t grow limbs back.. yet. I can’t exactly change being human. Besides, you gems as a race don’t exactly look like you have any fun at all. Being human is all about having new experiences.” You say.

“Well, maybe I’m having fun now.” She says, tapping the rim of her glass. You kind of look at her for a second. She seems to be tapping her left foot on the side of the stool, maybe kind of nervously? Her hair is up in a ponytail, and she's pushing some of the fringe behind her ear. She’s cute, you think to yourself. 

“Oh?” You say as you smile slyly into your drink. You think you see her blush a bit.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Last time wasn’t so nice. Some guy tried punching me, he was drunk and recognized me from the earth attack last year. Bismuth had to kick him out.” She says stiffly, and takes a drink. “I’m sorry about that, by the way.”

“My dad almost died.” You say. She winces.

“I am really sorry. I do regret how I dealt with my entire situation.. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it." She sighs. "I’m just glad no one actually died. And thanks for not cursing me out, for all of this."

"He's hard to kill, anyway." 

"What?" She says, staring at you incredulously. 

"My dad. He's done so many stupid, dangerous things that I remember from my childhood. He must have some kind of divine blessing, because even when he fought that gator off grandpa's porch, he came out without a scratch. And that was one really pissed off gator." You say. Spinel laughs heartily. She's actually really cute when she laughs, and you can't help staring for a second. “There was also that one time this guy attempted to rob us at a gas station, and he took the bastard down with the unopened energy drink from his cup holder. You wanna know what he had to complain about afterwards? That he had to now go buy another energy drink. That’s my fucking dad, I guess.”

“Your life sounds interesting.” She says in reply.  “I can tell that you love him though.”

“Yeah. He’s kind of my entire life. He’s all I have left of my family.” You say, smiling. “He’s a good dad. He tries his best.” You hear your phone chime a couple more times, and roll your eyes. They’re so fucking needy. “My friends are extremely obnoxious, and must know what I’m doing at all times. You have anyone like that in your life? Because I could pawn off Alex on you if you want.” You grab your phone and open up your group chat to see what they’re talking about. There’s quite a few missed messages.

    Harper: she hasn’t said shit in a while and i’m kinda worried.

    Harper: what if she got kidnapped. D:

    Alex: shes probs in the middle of a bar fight tbh

    Alex: im pretty sure that alien started it or something

    Alex: she was probs all like “im gonna kill ur planet now and finish u all off!!”

    Alex: and Y/N was like “not on my watch BITCH” and decks her

    Alex: the whole bar claps

    Harper: shut up it’s been like 10 mins and she hasn’t said anything and i’m nervous.

“I have a few people who I’d call friends here. Bismuth, Lapis, Amethyst.. Steven. I kind of feel like I’m bothering them when I’m around, in general..” She says, swirling the drink around in her glass. She regards it, lifts to her lips, and takes a drink. “Steven sometimes asks how I’m doing.. I know he cares. I have a hard time letting myself be honest with him. Cause.. you know. He’d try to solve all my problems. And I try to deal with them on my own.”

Y/N: I'm not dead. We're talking. She's nice.

Alex: wow are all genocidal maniacs nice i wonder

Harper: TALKING. YOU'RE TALKING TO HER

Y/N: YES WE'RE TALKING.

Y/N: She even apologized about my dad, and the entire shebang, really. 

Y/N: She's nice conversation, anyway.

Harper: whoa she apologised?

Alex: youve got to be kidding me rn

Alex: lemme just go revive gengis khan so we can have a nice chat over tea

Alex: this is absolutely nuts why am i the only sane one here

Alex: im gonna go fucking feral 

"It's such a Steven thing to do, too. You should've seen how he was when he found out about my mother." You laugh, and set your phone down on the counter. "He literally tried to go out and find her. He's such a sweet kid, but I had to break it to him that even if I knew where she was, I didn't want to see her."

    Off to your left side, you feel someone approach you at the bar. You turn your face to see who it is. It's a man who looks a decade older than you are, and you've never seen him before. He nods to regard you. 

"Can I get you a drink, beautiful? You look absolutely lovely." He says, leaning in slightly.

"Thank you, but I'm alright." You put in your best polite, but fuck off smile. 

"You're just going to say no without even considering it?" He smiles, and you hate it. He's giving you terrible vibes and it's making you uneasy.

"I said I'm good." 

"Yeah bu-" He starts, but Spinel cuts him off.

"She says she's good, pal. Leave the dame alone." She crossed her arms over her chest, and glares at him. 

"Damn fine, stuck up bitch. Didn't want to talk to you anyway." He spews, and leaves to the other side of the bar. Thank god, you think to yourself.

"Thank you for that." You say to her, seriously relieved. "Fucker needs to learn how to take no for an answer." 

“Yeah, well. No one harasses a girl on my watch.” She regards you carefully. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“No?” You lift an eyebrow in response.

“What happened with your mother?” She says, grabbing for her drink and taking a sip.

“Oh. Um,” You’re a bit surprised that she seems to genuinely care. You’ve known her for all of like.. a half hour. “She left when I was 5. Just had enough of dad and I, I suppose. Dad says it just came out of nowhere, and he has no idea what happened. We were a happy family, and then one day after dinner, she went into their room, packed some things in a single bag, and left.” You pause to take kind of a long drink. “And no one knows where she went. It’s been 17 years. Not a single word. It actually really fucked me up for years. I felt abandoned and absolutely worthless. How could you raise a child for 5 years, and just fucking bounce? Like, did she read a manual on how to fuck up your kid and give them emotional problems for the rest of their life? God, what a fucking bitch. I can’t even IMAGINE doing that to a kid.”

    Spinel is staring at you with wide, shocked eyes.

“Eventually I ended up gaining some friends that helped me get over it, for the most part. They’re stupid and I love them. And if they ever found my mother, they would murder her in a heartbeat.” You say, chuckling. Spinel is still staring at you. “Are you okay? You ask. 

“I’m fine, it’s just.. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like me.” You watch her fiddle with her fingers. She moves slightly, and you see her shirt open, heart gem glimmering in the low lighting. You don’t want to be caught staring at it, like a crow to a shiny object. (You want to touch it. You want to touch it bad. Is it warm? Is it cold? Is it smooth? You need to know.) “I also had a very important person abandon me. The MOST important person to me, actually. For uh.. 6000 years.” You look up and your eyes make contact with hers.

“What.” You say. “6000 years.”

“Yeah.. It’s kind of embarrassing now, though.” She shrugs. “But it was terrible, and now I’m here. I’ll never get closure the way I want from Pink Diamond, because she’s gone forever. Anyway,” You kind of want to hug her. “I’ve been surviving, and I think I’m doing okay.” She smiles slightly. Bismuth is suddenly in front of the two of you.

“I saw some commotion all the way from the other side. That guy bother you? Want me to deal with him?” She says, all while refilling Spinel’s drink without even asking.

“Nah, he fucked right out of here when Spinel told him off.” You say, and finish the rest of your cider. Blegh. Warm.

“Is that so?” Bismuth say, grinning. She’s pointedly looking at Spinel. Spinel is giving Bismuth a dirty look. Oh my, what is going on there? You feel your bladder cursing up a storm inside you.

“Bismuth, I’d like another beer please.” You slowly get up on sleepy, wobbly legs. “And I’ll be right back, gotta pee.” You turn and look at Spinel, who looks back. “Guard my purse.”

“Cannnn do.” She says while taking another drink.

    You make your way slowly over to the bathroom that was actually just 15ft away from you, and go over to one of the stalls and plop down onto the toilet, pulling out your phone to look at group chat. 

    Harper: so my brother got catfished again

    Alex: LMFAO

    Harper: how many times is this? 4? for fucks sake

    Harper: he’s 29. you’d think he’d have his shit together by now, but noooo.

    Alex: that is honestly the saddest thing ive heard

    Alex: wins most pathetic man of the month

    Y/N: oof.

    Y/N: Yeah that’s just sad.

    Alex: Y/NNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

    Alex: how are yoooouuuu

    Y/N: I’m fine. I’m having a nice time.

    Harper: you still hangin with the not-evil-now alien? :p

    You choose to reply later, and instead finish your business in the stall. You come out and wash your hands, making sure you wash them thoroughly. You never know what kind of germs are in bar bathrooms. You’re drying your hands when you hear the bathroom door open, and someone is walking in. You turn to look, and it’s a familiar figure. A man. 

The man from earlier.

[babbushka]

How do you think your writing has changed all these years, Mrs. Z?

Oh dang this is a pretty deep question, lol. I think that the very very short answer is, I’m writing stories now that help me, instead of stories that distract me. Long answer under the cut because, well, it’s long lol (tw for discussion mental illness/trauma)

Back when I started writing, before I even really knew it, I was writing to cope lmao. Which isn’t an unusual thing, lots of people do it, lots of people make art to help them get through whatever it is that they need help getting through. As a child I struggled with a lot of shit that I’m still struggling with now, I won’t get into the details of it because that’s a conversation for another day lol, but the gist is mental/emotional abuse/gaslighting, body image problems/eating disorders, suicidal issues, and also dealing with incredibly brutal antisemitism and homophobia. Things were rough up in my noggin’, for a very very long time, to say the least. 

And one of the big ways that i coped with that was through movies. I watched like 2 movies a day every day for 20 years lol (that’s sort of an exaggeration but also not really), and through that, came the love of stories and the love of writing. I dealt with my awful life by watching a movie and then either by completely and totally ignoring my own misery and writing stories that filled the void of happiness, or by projecting myself so heavily onto characters (whether it was cringey original content or even cringier fanfic) who were perfect and could do no wrong to somehow make my own misery feel a little less real. 

But you know, over the course of a decade or so, as you grow up and as you learn about yourself and you learn about the world, there are some realizations that come to light that impact you. You start to realize that the content that you’re consuming has an impact on you. I grew up and I got smart and I started to see the issue with a lot of the content that I was making and watching, it started to annoy me, because so much of it was just, poorly written lol. 

I stopped trying to desperately pretend that everything in my life was okay, and I started to embrace the fact that things were shit but things could be fixed, that it was never too late to start working to better yourself. I stopped projecting myself onto characters who were squeaky clean and perfect and flat and had no dimension, and instead tried to find myself in characters that maybe were just as flawed as I was. 

Because even when life is shit and you’re a completely fucked up hollow shell of a person, there’s hope. Even when things are bleak, there’s hope. There’s love. There’s solidarity in brokenness, and in working towards putting yourself back together again -- not for anyone’s sake other than yourself. I was tired of seeing women treated like shit, I was tired of seeing fat people and jewish people turned into jokes, I was tired of watching gay people get killed or only .2 seconds of screentime. I was tired of men writing, and in some reactionary way I began to write these like, what I thought were rebellious stories instead. 

So I went from writing these kinda cringey stories about like, nothing of any importance and were just puff pieces to give myself something to look forward to -- and instead shifted towards writing these (also cringey tbh) grand epic fantasy novels where broken people find family in one another and save the day and also themselves and it was always about strong women being incredible and doing amazing things and carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. 

And you know, then you go to college and you go to grad school, and things happen during those years that shape you formatively as a person. You get fun new traumas that adult life brings you that get piled on top of old childhood traumas that you don’t even really realize that you’re dealing with until it all becomes too much all at once. And when it was just too much for me, I turned to writing. All the things that I felt and had absolutely no one to tell, no one to vent to because of my own fears at being mocked or shamed or gaslit or whatever, went into the writing. 

And the writing then changed again, because now it was no longer these fluffy fantastical pieces where everything is sunshine and rainbows, or these grand sweeping epics where the heroes save the day -- now it was just, humanity. Open and honest humanity. Real people in real every day situations just trying their best. People sharing the weight that rests on their shoulders, humans relying on one another to make it through the hell-hole of life, with all the trips and slips and falls and tumbles that go with it. 

So as I’ve grown up, the stories that I write have become less total escapist fantasies, and more introspective/thought-provoking commentaries on my issues with life. When something awful happened to me, I would try and process that through these characters, I would try and give them some semblance of a happy ending, because I could control their lives, even if I couldn’t control all the aspects of my own -- but I didn’t shy away from the uglier parts of their lives, because that’s what made them interesting to me. That real people could have real problems and real flaws and still be loved. Still have someone to want to be with them, still have someone to want to help them. 

I learned to love myself by writing characters learn to love themselves. I learned to process a lot of trauma and a lot of my own hangups mentally, by writing these characters working together and coming together and loving one another so much that it was almost as if nothing could be stronger than that love, not the hate or the bigotry or the depression or anything else. 

I had awful awful awful experiences with relationships and so I started to write nothing but healthy beautiful love, where all the people involved actually like one another, care about one another, support one another. I was hit with horrible and unexpected grief so I wrote stories that dealt with mortality and the way death hits us in ways we don’t think it will. I was assaulted and targeted for being jewish so I wrote proudly jewish characters who are celebrated for their difference instead of punished for it. The writing is me, and I am the writing, just as it always has been, but more honest. 

And now, the irony of it all, is that I’ve kind of come full circle. I occasionally do write fluffy puff pieces where everything is sunshine and rainbows. I occasionally write grand sweeping epics where the heroes save the day. But I’m much more honest about it now. I don’t kid myself anymore, you know? No one is perfect, that’s not how people work, and it’s not interesting to read about perfect people. 

It’s much more interesting to read about that raw humanity that permeates its way into every story ever told. It just took me a while to figure that out for myself, and even longer for the writing to reflect that. 

[ssironstrange]

endgame rant

SPOILERS AHEAD PLEASE AVOID IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET

yeah i know i said i wouldn’t post spoiler shit but listen i gotta get this off my chest ok

i have some REAL BIG FUCKING ISSUES with the way the russos handled a lot of plotlines. don’t get me wrong, this movie was amazing and epic and fucking award worthy, but as a fan i’ve taken offense to a Lot of things.

clint

nothing about his ronin story makes a lick of fucking sense in the mcu. his family is dusted so he…… goes on a mass murdering spree??? decides that he should get a haircut and spend the next five years getting an edgy tattoo sleeve??? um. okay then. destroy the past like 10 years of his character having one of the best moral compasses of the entire team. why did he take up using a fucking SWORD in present day? do you know how long it takes to master swordsmanship at the level he was? with at least half of the world’s teachers gone? more than five fucking years thats for damn sure. and between him and natasha dying for the soul stone? it should have been him. i know he had a family and all but listen. nat went through physical and psychological torture. her body was modified against her will. she was brainwashed and used. and finally, FINALLY she gets free of it all, finds a family in the avengers, and continues to try and better herself to make up for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. and clint? what did he suffer? oh thats right. nothing. he’s just damn good at his job and loves his family. the fact he has a family sucks for sacrifice, but they are well taken care of and every single one of his kids are old enough to understand AND nat would have stepped in immediately as a parental figure to help laura. they fucking fridged nat for clint and i will never forgive that.

thor

here we go. thor’s character legit made me uncomfortable. they went way overboard with the new thor personality. but… fatshaming and making fun of his very real depression and ptsd?? wtf russos. like, haha he let himself go so funny but its NOT. he wasn’t even like…. fat, for one. just a normal dadbod and beer belly. which by the way seems a lot more realistic according to most norse myths of the gods. they were warriors, yeah, but they drank a fucking lot and feasted a fucking lot so. anyway. thor has lost his entire family. not only that but he watched them all die. he saw his mother bleed out. he watched his father disperse into nothingness. he watched the brother he has loved and cherished no matter the amount of times of betrayal and misdeeds get his neck snapped and his lifeless body thrown to the ground. and then the sister he never knew he had killing almost all of your people and then being forced to find a way to kill her. can you imagine trying to cope with that??? and when you put his age into our perspective, he’s only in his 20s. so imagine seeing your whole family die before you’re even 25, then taking on the responsibility of ruling your people. said surviving people are then massacred in front of you with only a few dozen escaping. THEN living with the guilt of blowing your chance to kill the man responsible for that and unable to stop him from decimating half the universe. (and even when he does get revenge on him, it’s too late) tell me you wouldn’t have an atomic level meltdown. thor is suffering so much and all they can do is make fun of him for it and shame him for it. he deserved better.

steve

yall know i don’t like steve. i don’t hate him and i’m not anti-steve, i’ve just never enjoyed his rather inconsistent character and self-righteousness. it felt like we were FINALLY getting a steve i could get behind in this. a steve that swears like he should. a steve who still puts on a brave face for the public but behind closed doors with friends he’s miserable and broken like the rest of them and SHOWS it to them. a steve who realizes he is stuck in the past and just can’t seem to move forward. a steve who i can finally see the culmination of EVERYTHING he’s been through resting on his shoulders and eating him alive inside. finally we were getting a properly layered steve rogers. and then tony came back and that all fell apart. we didn’t get the apology steve owed him (and tbh tony owed him one too but we’ll get to that), we didn’t get a remorseful steve. he didn’t even address the goddamn issue. he went straight back to his bullshit. admittedly he was a better listener this time around and a far better team player overall. it wasn’t a total loss. but. BUT. his ending? no. hell fucking no. i’m happy he and peggy got their life, but it still shouldn’t have happened. how fucking selfish. how fucking backwards of his character. i get he didn’t have a choice in being brought back into the present and that is unfair and sucks for him, but what fucking right did he have to mess with a timeline like that? what right did he have to just decide without telling anyone he was done and giving up? why did he get the fucking happy ending???? steve rogers who looked tony in the eyes and said he wasn’t the kind of man to lay on the wire for someone copped out. steve rogers who knows of all the social progress we’ve made decides to go back to a time where he would be forced to accept segregation and extreme gender inequality and rampant, blatant, gross racism of all sorts oh and more war and alkjdalksdhkas NO plus they broke their own time travel rules so like whatever i guess right?? it’s okay if steeb gets his stupid happy ending right? god is it SO MUCH TO ASK FOR JUST ONCE TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OFCAP???? it’s not your fault cevans honey you’re doing amazing your directors just have no fucking idea 

tony

frankly this has been amongst rdj’s best performances of tony. i’m still partial to a lot of his acting in the iron man movies BUT this was FANTASTIC. him finally being allowed to absolutely go off on steve was fucking delicious and everything i was waiting for. let it all out tony baby. buuuuut we should have also had something more. i know my fellow tony stans typically don’t believe it but tony was wrong in civil war too. surprise they both fucking were. ANYWAY. i was waiting for an honest apology between them both. after everything they just went through, NONE of the petty bullshit they went through before matters at all. and yet the closest thing we get is tony just being like “turns out i don’t like to hold grudges” or what the fuck ever. why is it so hard just to make one of them say i’m sorry, the other say i’m sorry, admit it was a bunch of BULLSHIT hug it out and then go forward???? ugh. their choice to make tony suddenly care about his dad and be happy to see him???? disgusting. they made it canon that howard was an abuser, neglectful, cold, and hateful. it’s been a BIG DEAL how tony has struggled with the relationship to his dad because of how shitty the man was to him. and then they do tHAT? fuuuuCK that!!!! i’m not saying tony isn’t allowed to forgive howard. thats fine and expected tbh. but they pushed it way too far. the tony stark we’ve known for the last decade would never get all giddy and happy to see him and hug him and fucking thank him??? what the fuckk?? god that was gross. you know what we should have gotten? what tony deserved more than howard fucking stark? MARIA STARK!! and then, of course, my main issue. they fucking killed him. which only tells us, the audience and fans that no matter what you suffer and sacrifice that your only way to redemption is death. jesus fucking christ i am SO angry over this. they killed the two who suffered the fucking most. the two who every single goddamn day worked on being a better person. nat and tony both deserved so much better than waht they got. how the fuck did it make sense to kill tony who now has a fucking CHILD, who still has a future, who FINALLY FOR ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE FOUND A SHRED OF PEACE????? and then let steve just go selfishly galavant through time as he pleases to have the cute happy ending? FUCK that ending. fuck it right up the ass with a huge unlubed cock. steve should have been the one to use the gauntlet. period. he should have been the one to die like that. i would have still fucking cried but you know what?? that would be the most cap thing ever. i wanted a mirror of pre-serum steve jumping on that grenade, but this time grabbing the gauntlet and not hesitating for a split second to snap. but no. they killed tony who left behind a wife who DESERVED MORE THAN HAVING THE MAN SHES LOVED AND SUPPORTED AND MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD WITH RIPPED AWAY FROM HER!!! tony who left behind a daughter too young to really comprehend yet why her daddy isn’t going to be coming back. fuck you russos. the injustice of it is astounding. i’m never going to get over it. you know how they could have killed tony? if they really felt like they needed to? have him grow old and die naturally of old age with pepper in their cute little lakeside house after watching morgan grow into such a strong and brilliant person. but oh. they gave that to steve. right.

stephen

i’ll never complain about having more stephen content but uhhhh i’m gonna complain that we didn’t get more than what we got cause after sitting in the soulworld for five fucking years you canNOT tell me he didn’t get even stronger with time to practice and meditate and work through every iota of information of mystical shit in his head. and yet they sidelined him??? after we’ve SEEN what he’s capable of in IW? just gonna put him on flood control???? something that any of those goddamn sorcerers could have done while he helps wipe the floor with thanos or any of the thousands of enemies? fuuuuuuuuuck that. can you fucking imagine how quickly thanos would have been taken out if it were wanda, carol, and stephen all three against him? jesus. he’s literally amongst the most powerful people but nah, just have him stand over there.

the gay russo

FUCK you for that. i am LIVID about it. yall can’t fucking make valkyrie bi???? or carol????? yall can’t GET AN ACTUAL GAY ACTOR? “ We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that. “ WHAT????????? are you fucking telling me a WOC WHO IS OUT AS BISEXUAL AND WANTS HER CHARACTER TO BE BISEXUAL COULDNT ENSURE THE INTEGRITY OF AN LGBT CHARACTER???????????????? “ It is a perfect time, because one of the things that is compelling about the Marvel Universe moving forward is its focus on diversity.”  SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT????? oh my god fuck them forever.

lets make rules for our time travel then break them immediately

idek whats going on in the timeline anymore. they utterly fucked up and BROKE the timeline of 2012 avengers after letting loki get away with the tesseract. which should have cascaded into their future but, well, it didn’t. so i GUESS now we’re just pretending that made a new timeline which makes no goddamn sense but whatever i guess. steve going back to completely fuck with his timeline, or a timeline at least, and having no consequences in the future besides being old. okay. sure??? we can do all that but we can’t fucking get natasha back. right. cool. okay.

anyway i’m sure theres more bugging me but these are the things bothering me most.

and frankly i don’t care if anyone disagrees i’m not arguing or debating any of this. 

[mividadelicioso]

El Ano de Treinta

First post here...in a long time anyways. If I were being honest, my last Tumblr of decades ago turned into this soft porn type feed. It’s easier to get to that place then you think lol. First it starts with beautiful things as something to choose for your feed, or clothes, and at some muddled point down the line, there are half naked peeps (amongst other things) just popping up on your feed. In any case, that’s not why I ghosted. I ghosted, because like many things, but especially my writing, I just lost the juice of any kind to use my words via ink or typing, (rather). 

So you may be wondering to yourself, or...more realistically, not be giving a shit at all, as to why I am back in this wordy black hole. Well, really, a conglomeration of things that I’ll slowly vomit out onto this virtual paper, but to nutshell it, I’m losing my mind during this quarantine...losing my fucking sanity, as I would assume, everyone else is. However, for me, it’s more than just this quarantine situation (which, by the way, is incredibly insane to think about, but I digress atm), somehow, someway, (of course in my life), all these events just happen to coincide in a very important year of my life, hence the name. I basically spoiler-ed this post for you (you’re welcome for those of you that have no patience to wait until the end). 

I never thought that the ripe old? young? age of 30 would be a big deal to me; I mean, sure, everyone makes lofty goals for that age, that I would almost dare to say, 90% of the population never accomplish, but it just never worried me that the inevitable would come. It WOULD come, like every birthday, and then it would pass, like every birthday, without cause or concern. So what happened? (You might be asking yourself, OR you MIGHT not be caring at all. I mean, who really cares about a strangers’ musings? AMIRITE?). I don’t know, dude...or dudette. The truth is, this quarantine has forced me to sit in my apartment, shut off from distraction, and has forced an OVERTHINKER and an OVERANALYZER to overthink and overanalyze. It has, shall we say, created the perfect storm for this. Of course, the usual shit bothers me about this birthday; like, I had put together a meager list of goals a long time ago, if you could call them such, and as is the purpose of a list of goals, none were accomplished. Typical? Yes. Normal? Yes. A reason to have mental moments (I will always refer to breakdowns of any kind, as ‘mental moments’)? No. And yet, here I am, friends of Tumblr, have now had a mental moment over this  seemingly significant double digit. You’re probably wondering what that list was; yes, I thought about this myself, because truth be told, this last hasn’t actually been present in my mind at all, recently (PROBABLY why nothing has really been accomplished). 

**LIST OF GOALS: 30th Birthday**

-Go to Ireland (always been a dream of mine to visit)

-Be far along in my career (this is about as fucking unspecific as it gets lol)

-Be financially stable (i.e. have savings and shit)

-Pay something towards student loan, bc them government fuckers will find you

TADA! This was my list, ladies and gents. SHOCKING, I know. The length of it...just straight obnoxious. And TBH, none have been accomplished. TECHNICALLY, the second point does not count, because I switched jobs about 4 months ago...made moves as they say. Now, were those moves, MONEY moves? No...(had to make a rap song reference, don’t hate). Please, judge, and then judge away some more. I mean, listen, I have a 401K collecting moneys SOMEWHERE, and I can always still go to Ireland later this year. The irony of THAT particular point is, that I’m on furlough with my job, and the flights have never been fucking cheaper...but I am at a point, where I am FORCED to not spend frivolously. Although I am blessed with a boyfriend, who will be mentioned in a later post, that handles most of the major finances. Not because I’ve asked, (believe me, I have fought him on this...independence and such), but he thinks it’s his duty as the dude, I guess. But still, can’t be spending money that I may need down the line, should this godawful virus continue to ravage the U.S. (STAY HOME PEOPLES. FUCKING MAKE A BLOG...like me). 

In any case, coming face to face with an un-checkmarked list is quite possibly one of the most depressing things ever. So on top of me going out of my mind, and worrying about the health of my friends and family and significant other, I am also confronting the daunting age of 30, as well as, an unrealized list of goals.

Boohoo, boohoo, right? I resonate with your unsympathetic sentiments as well, but isn’t one of the benefits of blogging on the internet, that you can throw yourself as many endless pity parties as you want and no one can say a goddamn thing. That was definitely a rhetorical question, said in the most un-grammatically correct way ever. God, I love the internet. 

I will continue to rant about this further later on, but for now, I will say, that the only resolution I have come up with for this ‘mental moment’ I had about my list of un-accomplishments, is to create...and dare I say it...A VISION BOARD. Yes. 

God. I. Said. It. A FUCKING vision board, people. I’m about to get DIY up in this bitch...cause...not like I have anything else to do, right? 

Ending this post with some photos of tonights’ dinner. My spin on fried rice w/ asparagus, carrots, and corn as the veg component and some general tso’s chicken I baked in the oven. Despite the potential health hazards food can pose, when consumed in large proportions, I do believe in food therapy, people. BELIEVEEEEE IT.  Hashtag it folks, FOODTHERAPY...unless someone created that hash already, in which I can further add that to my list of failings for my grand ano de TREINTA. 

-Foodie OUT-

P.S. Don’t go all Sherlock Holmes and stock a hoe through my food photos. KTHX. 

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I said I’d post these rambling text posts I’d left in my drafts, and so here you go. I’ve resisted the urge to reread it, so here’s hoping I don’t regret this! LOL ....

Wow, it’s amazing the emotional impact of finding a notebook from when you were 12!

I’d actually forgotten I had a “security notebook” (one I carried to make school endurable) that early, but it geez it brought back memories. 

That isn’t always good.

Now, it’s not full of deep thoughts. It’s also not a “Dear diary” sort of confessional. It’s all random.

 Doodles. Tree filled landscapes, the TARDIS, a creepy clown,  space ships....and lots and LOTS of Pac Man! LOL

Notes exchanged with friends. I was apparently appalled that my teacher told the class ghosts were real.

A list of ALL the comic books I owned at the time, still years before filling that Uncanny X-Men gap of #62 I’d fix when I was 14 and went into my first comic shop.

Several pages of a story was calling  Gama II that I have no memory of at all. I wonder where I was heading with the discovery of a space ship captain (female, of course) in suspended animation. I probably didn’t know myself yet.

 The back cover is filled with a “where I am” that starts with the Milky Way Galaxy (or “galaxiy” as I spelled it), getting closer and closer in finer detail until  it ends with me sitting on my bed.

Let me point out my spelling was horrendous! As someone that read non-stop, you’d think spelling would rub off, but nope. So source is “sorse”, neighboring is “naboring”, captain in “captin”, hidden is “headen”, weird is “weard”...actually I misspelled more words than I got right! You can totally see why my 6th grade teacher openly laughed in class about her best student being the worst speller she had ever seen. But let me also say, I NEVER actively worked on improving my spelling, yet when I graduated I was valedictorian. Of course, if it weren’t for modern spell check I STILL couldn’t spell “valedictorian”! LOL 

Just remember, so  called “smart” people can be ridiculously bad at some things!

But what really knocked me for a loop were seeing notes from and referencing a certain boy. We had become friends, which in retrospect seems rather odd. We only seemed to have fondness for writing messages in code and for those early video games in common. It seemed like a lot at the time. I do wonder if writing notes to each other that no one else could read didn’t create a false sense of closeness to me. That was my undoing.

Well, maybe my undoing was actually trusting my two best friends. 

If I had little in common with the boy, I had far, far less with the girls. They weren’t very bright and I can’t honestly think of a single thing we shared an interest in. Still, I almost never had a friend that liked or thought the same as me. Surprisingly, that isn’t a deal breaker with friendship. Friendship is more about the good will involved, the willingness to care, and I had long before learned to take it where ever I could find it. The trouble was, I still hadn’t yet learned that even real friends can’t be trusted.

See, I had the girls over two my house, which I rarely did. We went for a walk on the railroad track, which was pretty much where we could go since they weren’t woodsy types. And like is common with many girls, the subject turned to boys.

 They were all swoony over this boy or that boy, and me being me I was a bit quieter. I was shy about sharing something so private, and to be honest, most of the boys at our tiny school were unappealing. Not that they were all horrible, even many that would be classified as “rednecks”, had nice sides. The boys in my grade often had a sweet side. Now the girls, they were brutal with fights  (which was the talk of the teachers after the blood splattered wall from the “earring incident”). The boys were nice, friendly....but generally not talking to me more than very casually. And for me, attraction to a body comes after attraction to a mind. I need to be talking to the guy, sharing interests, laughing at jokes together, connecting....

You see where I’m going with this. I had a big crush on the boy. 

TBH, I blame my parents! They had met in high school and become friends before they fell in love. I thought that’s how it works: you can be friends without falling in love, but you can’t fall in love without being friends first. Considering it worked so well for me parents (they were happily married, inseparable even,  for over 50years when Pop died) they set a HORRIBLE example for me.

Anyway, the girls coaxed me into saying what boy I secretly liked. They had told me their crushes, and they were my best friends. I could certainly tell them.

Oops!

Come Monday morning it was known. I dunno whether one or both told. I dunno who they told. I dunno why they told. I just know they told. I expect it just slipped out and wasn’t done maliciously. They probably would have been oblivious to the consequences. 

The boy knew. He knew, but didn’t mention it to me. He didn’t mention anything to me. He never spoke to me again. Actually, I’m not sure he EVER said anything to me again, and considering it was a small K-12 school where we graduated together that was kinda tricky.

See, the boy was teased because “Stephanie likes you!” It became the big insult at boys at school. “Stephanie likes you!” How shameful! How humiliating! to have weird, fat, ugly, not girly enough Stephanie likes you! It was social death. There had been another girl they used as the big insult, but she’d been in high school and might have even already graduated. I never even  knew what that mythic girl looked like, only that in elementary school boys used her as an insult. Now I had taken her place.

And so it began, the horrible romantic process of my life. Guys likes me...as friends. Try as I might to resist it, sometimes I’d fall for those guy friends anyway. But I knew full well what would happen if anyone, anyone at all, discovered how I felt.  That would be it. If the guy found out there would be a 99% chance he’d be disgusted. That 1% chance wasn’t worth risking a valued friendship. I trained myself to deny, even to myself, my own feelings.

Looking at that notebook, seeing the boy’s handwriting, his name... This was the moment. The moment I realized I was inherently unlovable. Romantically speaking anyway. Other forms of love were always possible, but my god no one would ever find me attractive. 

Flipping through the notebook felt like a gut punch. Decades have passed, I’m technically middle aged, and I’m STILL just that 12 year old girl.

[yellowfang89]

It’s wild how much has happened and changed since 2010, and now going into 2020. I was going to put in a "read more" out of courtesy but for some fuck ass reason, when I came in to edit it, Tumblr isn't giving me that option and the code ain't working and now I'm slightly buzzed so what the fuck ever you can just keep scrolling if you don't care lol.

January 2010- Obsessed with Legend of the Seeker. Wrapped up finishing playing Pokemon Diamond- my first pokemon game on recommendation of my best friend at the time. My last semester of community college started.

March/April 2010- got acceptance letter to the local state college I planned on transferring to. Best friend didn’t get any notice on whether she got accepted or not, but got an acceptance letter from another college about an hour away, and decided to go there instead. After making this decision, she finally got the acceptance letter from the local state college. But she still ended up going to the hour away one. Also, I turned 21 and had my first margarita.

May 2010- Graduated community college with an AA in art. God, I remember when I used to love art.

At some point I ended up officially leaving Myspace for Facebook, kicking and screaming, because everyone had ditched Myspace for it. I hated Facebook but got used to it.

August 2010- went on a two week cruise to Alaska. Came back and started new college afterwards. Had no friends and was lonely, though kept in close touch with best friend over Facebook. Got new Macbook.

September 2010- Finally found myself in a new friend group. Saw a beautiful boy on lightrail I wanted to talk to, but had no courage to. Realized that this kind of shit was probably why I didn’t have a boyfriend, and I wanted a boyfriend for the sole reason of not feeling like a loser for never having one.

October 2010- Saw same beauty, gathered up the nerve and talked to him. Turned out he also went to my school. We started seeing each other regularly on there and things started taking off. 

November 2010- Started hanging out with him regularly, got my first kiss from him. Became an official couple.

2011- Can’t remember what months and for what, because things start blending in together. But

- Beloved cat of five years died.

- Lost my virginity

- Didn’t have much money in bank account and stressed out over it. Couldn’t get a job to rectify the situation cuz no experience.

- Started feeling guilty over the smallest things like asking to borrow a piece of paper from someone. Mentally acknowledging this was weird but also shrugging it off. 

- Lost my appetite and had food problems overall- despite always having “food problems.” Never wanted to eat.

- Distinctly remember my stomach rumbling in class and thinking, “good maybe i’ll starve to death!”

2012- Shit blended in together again this year, and for every year here on out.

- Came to the realization one day when walking to the bus that I literally would not care if someone came at me with a gun because I just… didn’t want to exist anymore. Saw nothing wrong with this.

- The thought “things would be better if I was dead” came to my brain out of nowhere. I briefly wondered if this counted as a “suicidal thought.”

-Decided to Google shit like suicidal thoughts, went down a rabbit hole that made me suspect I had depression. It explained things that I thought were off but didn’t care enough to do anything about.

- Eventually saw a counselor at school about this.

- Got a hamster. Hamster died this same year.

- Got a volunteer position at a library scanning old yearbooks onto a computer so I could have some sort of “work experience” to get a job.

- Boyfriend had got me Pokemon Heartgold earlier. I started trying to “collect them all” because why not.

- I switched from using an ethernet chord to WiFi and it changed my life. Especially since I was able to go on the GTS in Pokemon and trade, though it was fucky cuz you could only trade Pokemon you’ve already seen back then.

- Ended up getting Pokemon Black, and it introduced GTS Negotiations which allowed me to match with other trainers and trade Pokemon live. Due to this, I managed to obtain every Pokemon I couldn’t get in my other games. Except event legendaries, unfortunately. I consider this one of my greatest accomplishments and keep up with this to this day.

- Considered switching my major from Graphic Design to Digital Media because I liked my Digital Media class a lot more than my Design classes. And made that switch.

- I decided to minor in psychology because I had already taken a few psych classes for GE credits so why tf not.

- Towards the end, got a “student” job at that same library doing the same thing except with artwork instead of yearbooks. Finally had money. Depression starting to lift? But job was only a 4-8 hour a week deal so not that much money in the long run.

2013-

- Discovered demisexuality via a comment on Reddit. It described me pretty damn well. Weight lifted off shoulders I didn’t even realize was there. Things made sense omg.

- Joined Tumblr.

- Best friend came over for what turned out being the last time. She was moving to Arizona.

- Got a second job working at the tech company my Dad worked at, helping out the customer service rep.

- Slowly found myself drifting apart from friend. Depression still present. Made things hard but tbh she never contacted me either. I got the impression she was mad at me given she unfollowed me on Tumblr without explanation.

- Since not a lot of work to be done helping the csr, I ended up helping our our shipping guy and became his backup. Eventually the purchaser left on maternity leave and I took her place, eventually becoming the main purchaser because they moved her to accounts receivable.

- Decided that my depression was making me a piece of shit friend so I decided to contact best friend to see how things were, only to get a cryptic, passive aggressive, two-word response back. Ended up just dropping it and figured she’d eventually come around and tell me what was wrong. She never did…

2014

- Depression on and off due to the stress of going to work and going to school. At this point I hated all art and wanted nothing to do with any of it and only went to school for the piece of paper saying I graduated college.

- I think this was when I started calling myself gray ace instead of demi because why the hell not and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person anyway. Possibly still demiromantic though- to this day I’m still unsure tbh.

- Boyfriend taught me to drive. I got my license. I got my first car.

December 2014- I graduated college. It cured my depression. Unfortunately, it was replaced with carpal tunnel. 

2015

- Carpal tunnel still full force. All I could do was read.

- I caught up on all the books I’ve wanted to read. Eventually came across Warrior Cats. Thought it was stupid for the first 50 pages, but then became addicted. Lost interest when I had to wait several months for the next arc to come out.

- The year I got into wrestling. I shipped Rolleigns so fuckin’ hard.

- Undertale came out and became one of my favorite games of all time.

- Find out brother is addicted to painkillers which is why he had been acting like such an ass.

- Dumped Facebook.

- Driver at the company I worked at quit. Company wants me to be “temporary” driver on top of purchasing, shipping, and assisting the customer service rep.

- Got into writing and wrote a book and continued writing off and on from then to now.

2016/2017/2018? I can’t even keep track anymore.

- Pokemon Go came out and I finally got a smart phone because of it.

- Brother gets girlfriend and then gets married after only being together a year. Brother seems to have gotten better.

- They started having marital problems almost immediately. My brother turned out being an alcoholic and fuck knows if he’s still doing drugs or not he says he’s not but he’s also a chronic liar. A lot of drama happens that I don’t want to get into. They are now divorced- after two years of marriage. 

- Got new laptop cuz Macbook got too old, although it still works.

- The company I had been working at, which had always been a shit company with no money, starts going down the shitter more than it already was.

September 2017- customer service rep quits and I have to do her job on top of purchasing, shipping, and driving. Mental breakdowns become common. Depression worse than it had ever been in my life. 

January 2018- get a 45 cent raise because minimum wage went up meaning I was now making minimum wage doing all the bullshit I was doing.

May 2018- Get new job doing ONLY shipping for a few extra bucks more an hour. Depression cured.

2019

- Got in a car accident (not my fault). Car totaled. Replaced it with a 2018 car so it’s all good.

- Experienced my first flat tire half a year later.

- Still get random bouts of depression.

- Still with same boy from 2010. Would love to move in together but fuck if I know when that’ll happen. 

- Still wondering wtf happened with my (ex) best friend and am still trying to get over it. Am considering the possibility that it was probably my depressed ass not talking to her at all for like 4 months. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting her to try and make peace because we both dumped Facebook.

- Got back into Warrior Cats.

- Dad got new girlfriend. Parents finally working on getting the divorce they wanted to get 20+ years ago but never did cuz neither one wanted to spend money on it.

- Briefly considered taking up drawing again but my skills have tanked significantly because I haven’t drawn since graduating college. Plus I’m lazy. 

- Obsessed with The Witcher.

So much has changed throughout this decade and fuck if I know how next decade is gonna turn out for me but I sure hope it's a better one.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night!