#and suddenly I could read fanfics and listen to interviews with no problem

[reneeworks]

i'm so used to reading in english that I forgot what it's to not understand what you're reading even with a general idea of what words mean individually so now that I'm taking learning french seriously I'm being hit with the desperation of not understanding what two words mean together once again

[badatjokezz]

Haikyuu!! Rare Pair Fic Recs

i’ve been so hype about some Hq rarepairs lately now imma list some of my fav fanfics, mostly OiSuga mwehehe.... 

(probably gonna add some more in the future)

Oisuga (Oikawa x Sugawara)

1. Stuck in the Middle With You by overlymetaromantic

It's not the kind of blossoming relationship either of them would expect, but maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something good.

1. In which Suga and Oikawa run into each other on a late night convenience store run.

2. In which Suga and Oikawa inadvertently switch bags and end up with the other’s uniform.

3. In which Suga gives Oikawa the lecture he doesn't want but probably needs, and Oikawa might accidentally be a little in love.

4. In which Oikawa won't shut up about Suga, and Iwaizumi plays matchmaker just to make him stop.

5. In which there is not a date, and Suga likes spicy things much more than sweet.

6. In which Karasuno and Aobajousai hold training camps in the same neck of the woods, and the trip back proves to be more revealing than it probably should.

7. In which there might just be a future to this after all.

(Dis is so fluffy i might die)

2. moving on (growing up) by _helios (neocitz)

‘I’ll do it,’ Suga says, walking into their prep school and dropping his bag on the floor next to Oikawa. He shoves the melon bun and drink forward into Oikawa’s hands, and stands there looking down at him because he knows that he needs to not chicken out.

‘You’ll do what?’ Oikawa looks up through his glasses, eyes wide and confused as the other students stream in around them.

‘The fake dating thing, I’ll do it.’

‘Fuck. Yes.’ Oikawa says with a fist pump.

(It’s been AGES since i read Fake/Pretend Relationship fic, this one is goood)

3. how strange, to be remembered by venusintwelfthFandoms

"He is not formed of the type of dust that makes up stars. Suga is not the type of person that stays in the mind of one like Oikawa Tooru, ten years later. He is formed of the type of dust you shake off, the type that settles into the ground."

Ten years after Suga last steps off a high-school court, Oikawa recollects a "Mr. Refreshing" in a post-game interview, and Suga is left scrambling.

(Cute one-shot, Oikawa still remember Mr. Refreshing from Karasuno)

4. all the small things by Authoress for lemedy

Sugawara Koushi.

Oikawa’s brain supplies the name of the person standing at the other end of the aisle before Oikawa can even register him, attuned to spitting out facts about other volleyball players on a second’s notice, even after all these years. Karasuno High vice-captain. 174 cm…no, more like 176 now. Skilled at raising morale and bringing an element of surprise to their strategy. Troublesome. Refreshing. Setter.

The enemy.

(Single Dad! Oikawa, cuuutee ugh)

5. Win Some by kingdra (aroceu) for Icie

Tooru does not have a problem, its name is certainly not Sugawara Koushi, and he is not going to the Karasuno practices just to watch him. Regardless of whatever Iwa-chan says.

(High school romane~)

6. Even as bright as you are? by BKAKCANON

That night when he goes to sleep, he includes "the safety of fairies" on his prayers, making a promise to whoever was listening him, that he'd protect all the fairies and keep their secret safe forever.

[Where Oikawa meets Suga when they are kids and Oikawa believes Suga is secretly a fairy and decides he has to protect his secret all costs.]

(This is basically matches my headcanon)

7. getting to know you by oisugasuga

Suga feels like he’s back on the court then, his heart thudding hard in his ears… so hard he almost misses what Oikawa says. Unfortunately, though, he doesn’t.

"My, my. What a surprise," Oikawa Tooru says. And then… "Hello, Mr. Refreshing."

(Haven’t finished yet but DAMN I LOVE OIKAWA AND SUGA IN HERE, single dad! oikawa, and Suga babysitting oikawa’s kid, def slow burn. Imma follow this fic till death)

8. Dear Reader by hyirule

No one seems to read the paper anymore. But Oikawa likes to for the sports section. One day he finds himself reading a section called "Dear Reader" and finds a submission he can relate to.

Basically messages sent through a page on a newspaper brings to unlikely souls together, who maybe have more in common than they first thought.

(Cannon compliant, simple and... refreshing(?))

9. rest by shicchaan

Tooru looks at the sleeping person beside him as he waits for the lights change into green. The growing fringe of his husband started to cover his eyes but he can still see the beautiful birthmark under the silver haired's left eye.

(Established relationship, fluff fluff!!!)

10. long is the road (that leads me home) by ichweissnichtauch

He thinks about himself, deleting contacts from his phone and throwing coffee cups away without even looking at the string of numbers scrawled in Sharpie ink underneath, and he’s tired of hiding, tired of carefully treading the lines he’d drawn for himself all those years ago.

Just this once, Tooru wants— he thinks he wants to be brave.

Oikawa Tooru is not a stranger to wanting.

(like... 20% Oisuga but i like the way this story follows the Cannon till he get to Argentina)

11. It's Always Been About You by mintycarrots

Every time Tooru had envisioned meeting his soulmate, it was a confession of love, filled with tears of happiness and a lot of making out. It would be a faceless petite girl that would support Tooru in whatever he chose to pursue and would understand when Tooru prioritized volleyball over all else.

It was never a boy on the rival team.

(Soulmate AU)

12. a play in three acts by venusintwelfth

"The first time Sugawara Koushi sees Oikawa Tooru play, he thinks that if he wasn’t so set on volleyball, he’d do well in theater."

the first seijoh x karasuno match through the eyes of suga.

(Kinda poetic i guess, well written af)

13. colors by dazeful

Sugawara Koushi's colorful life as an archer.

(this is like the perfect oisuga one shot ive ever read)

___

IwaSuga (Iwaizumi x Sugawara)

1. And so the moon cried by iwriteinpenFandoms:

The hillocks are the domain of unearthly creatures. Creatures of rot and fog, of music and dance. Like ghosts in the night they travel without leaving footprints, they disappear in a flurry of long dresses and pale hair. Those who are fated to see them risk curses far worse than death. You may hear them, a giggle in the wind. You may smell them, the smell of the fog rolling in through the trees. You should pray you never see them. Iwaizumi Hajime is a simple man. He works a simple farm job and enjoys simple things. After one morning where he woke next to a perfect circle of death and only the memory of brown eyes and cold hands, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to the forest. Will the tales of his childhood play out with him at the center or will he have to disregard all reason?

(Danish Folklore AU)

2. Cry Just A Little by DreadfulMind

Suga was whistling a tune to himself as he opened the door to the bathroom, so he didn't hear the muffled crying through the door. But he could hear it clearly once he was inside. He heard the sharp sob of someone trying to stop.

"Iwaizumi?" He asked, "are you sure you're alright?"

(Simple but c u t e)

3. Generations by Karasuno Volleygays (ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor), mozaikmage

Professional sports blogger Sugawara Koushi writes an article about a volleyball match that bears special meaning to him and his former kouhai: a showdown between Kitagawa Daiichi and Yukigaoka Middle School, ten years after the teams faced off for the first time. He doesn't plan on capturing the attention of the world of sports journalism, and he certainly doesn't expect himself to end up having a thing for one of the coaches involved, one Iwaizumi Hajime.

(Time-Skip, I loved it)

___

KuroTsuki (Kuroo x Tsukishima)

1. Invictus by Chiru

Kuroo T. » So let me get this straight (gay?) Kuroo T. » You want me to pretend to be your perfect and fabulous boyfriend, so that your little freckled friend will stop trying to set you up with cute little highschool girls? Tsukishima Kei » yes Kuroo T. » Aha. Tsukishima Kei » you'll do it? Kuroo T. » I don't know. I missed the part where I get something out of it. Tsukishima Kei » you get to annoy me. Unfortunately Kuroo T. » Tempting, Tsukki, very tempting indeed.

(Fake/Pretend Relationship, some fluff, some angst, i read this in the middle of the night and cried, fortunately happy ending)

2. hold onto hope if you got it by nekolyssi

"Now, in the beginning of their third year of high school, the obnoxious hollering and incessant spirit of his teammates became normalcy to Kei. And now, normalcy is this. Weekly psych meetings. Pharmacy waiting rooms. Prescriptions. Refusal of prescriptions. More prescriptions."

(Not finished yet but yep prolly gonna put this one to one of those best haikyuu fics ive ever read. I wasnt so interested at first but i really like the idea of mental ilness etc, this is g o o d!!)

3. [KuroTsuki Fest Week 2017] Traces by Heartythrills 

Kuroo’s disappeared for a little over a week now, and suddenly a 4 year old who looks like him appears before Tsukishima’s apartment.

(Age regression, fluff)

4. I swear by xArtemisx

Like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there

"What are you doing here, Tetsu? It's cold." Kei asked softly. Tetsurou smiled. Hearing his name came out of Kei's lips is always music to his ears.

"Nothing. I just came to think that whatever memory we make, may it be happy or sad memories, the bright moon and the starry night sky is always there to be the witness. Did you notice?" The alpha answered and Kei nodded. He also noticed it.

"Yes, I did noticed it."

(I love agony and sad ending....)

5. Honeybee by ClosetGoblin

Tsukishima has trouble sleeping one night during a Third Gym Camping Trip. So, he takes his acoustic guitar and passes the time with some music, and gets a visitor. Maybe he doesn't mind Kuroo's voice as he does the screeching that Lev and Hinata call singing.

(Simple but sweet)

6. Say You Like Me by the_madame21

It's been three months. And Tsukishima Kei is going to see Kuroo Tetsurou.

(light angst and.. s m u t. Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamic)

7. trying to get to you by mytsukkishine

Everything came crashing down on Kuroo when Kei had left him alone with nothing but the moon shining down on him.

Wherein, Kuroo was struggling to move on and decided that he wouldn't mind being with Kei again.

(sad beginning? yes. sad ending? y e s. you’re a masochist? come get your juice)

8. Please Hold by ThemooncatFandoms

Kei was expecting Kuroo to do one of two things; Send a text to the office saying that they will have to call back another time and continue what they started, or excuse himself from Kei to answer the call, which was most likely. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Kuroo does neither of those things.

(short but hot. what’s hotter than quiet sex?)

___

Ushijima x Oikawa

1. This Insignificant Pride and Prejudice by Mysecretfanmoments, Pouler (poulerslashes)

Oikawa Tooru graduated high school with the burning desire to succeed in his college career. He'd hoped that might include taking down his arch-nemesis along the way, but when he finds that his college team hosts an offensively familiar face, he can't help but think that the universe might be conspiring against him. After all, what could be worse than playing on the same team as Ushijima?

(It was funny for me reading oikawa/ushijima fic with that “you should’ve come to Shiratorizawa” joke at first but somehow i found this one... endearing :3, cute poor ushiwaka)

___

Atsumu x Nishinoya

1. All the things I love about Yuu by KilluCoulomb

Atsumu Miya is fixated in Nishinoya. The way the boy acts, talks, plays. He Carefully observes from afar, but he slowly warms up to the Libero. Friendship becomes more and more intimate. Atsumu realizes Nishinoya is not that simple guy he met three years ago. And he loves it.

(pro volleyball players AU)

2. i'll see you then by noyabeans (snowdrops)

Nishinoya Yuu and Miya Atsumu build a rivalry and something more.

“Oh, it's Karasuno’s libero,” he says, mildly surprised to see Nishinoya’s face staring back at him from the brochure, grinning wide with his arms folded over his chest.

Contains spoilers for the current manga arc, up to chapter 380.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

There's something I'm trying to put into words,

about the discomfort of straight women who are very into slash and yaoi. It's been bothering me in a quiet way for a while, and then over the weekend it exploded, and I'm trying to pick my way through pain constructively.

There's a couple of things.

~*~

Point zero is that desire is good, actually, and so is fantasy. Keep this in mind, we'll come back to it.

~*~

The first thing is shame. People who are choosing to approach their own desire from the side, not willing to recognise their own bodies or vocalise their desire in their own voice, or think about sex in which their bodies participate. People who are too afraid to work on their own liberation, so take yours.

After all, feminist sexual writing is a whole genre and tradition. The only reason why queer men's liberation feels appealing to these women is that they have nothing at stake in it: it's fantasy, it's safe, it's nothing to do with or about them.

For actual queer men, the process of liberationary sex writing is - of course - mortifying; or there is a stage of mortification and pain one experiences in approaching it. It is not, and never will be, your safe space; that's why you're trying to transform it into one.

~*~

The second thing is privacy. I'd wake up and log on and there would be a full-flown gigglefest about sex in slash, and not being able to quite put my finger on how to say - this is making me feel bad and weird. And in retrospect, this picks up on point 1. Whose bodies are we sexualising in this space. I want to go back and start a conversation about how I prefer girl-on-top and how people who read missionary fic are gross, and hey when you read Barbie/Ken fic, do you see them mostly doing it doggy style?

Because I think that would make-it-real, for these women to feel their own bodies are at stake and being scrutinised in the conversation.

Making my morning coffee, I wonder what kinds of sexual relationships these women have, and if they know that "gay missionary" isn't this abstract concept that appears in fanfiction but a kind of sex they have all the right anatomy to experience for themselves. I suspect they would not like that, and that also the purpose of these conversations is specifically so that nobody envisages them having sex, or being sexual beings.

~*~

The third is experience.

A. thinks that it's a problem that teenagers watch gay porn. (A. wrote her dissertation on gay porn.) A has never had her rights removed on the basis that the world must be made "safe for children".

B thinks there's too much gross stuff in fanfic and it should be banned. B has never experienced fanfic archives removing LGBT material under the aegis of child-protection and removing what is "gross". B has never experienced a reasonable-sounding expansion of anti-kink laws being used in the vaccum where anti-gay laws once stood, the way they disproportionately target queer porn, or are used to harass sex workers, or arrest queer people.

C thinks that anyone who has a gross fantasy, is a hair-trigger away from actually hurting somebody. C is cisgender, and will never be arrested in a bathroom or have her body regarded as inherently a gross sexual fetish. C does not date women, and has never come to learn that a fist may be more easy to take than a kiss, when you are made to feel disgusting for desiring love. C is also asexual - the shame associated with having a sexual expression of any kind is not on her radar. C does not experience gender dysphoria, and had to wrestle with the downright odd things you brain does to manage a libido and an incoherent body all at once. C has never dated someone who survived the peak of AIDS, and has formed intimate connections between blood and sex and death, forged by decades of homophobic media and law. C. cannot tolerate the concept of erotic horror because she has never been made to experience her own body and desires as horrifying.

All these women spend all their free time making stories about imaginary gay and crossdressing men, talking about drag race, and sylvester.

This is not dissonant to them. As we have said, these women see queer man culture as a a place of safety - an escape from patriarchy and their own discomfort. They are unable to comprehend queer expression as a thing that is not safe.

They are very certain that they can tell the difference between a sexual expression that is gross and nongross; and hurting the gross is therefore OK, because punishing perverts will never be co-opted in their soft-focus world of tender coffeshop AUs and gentle longing and having the right kind of gay sex that is photogenic for women to consume.

~*~ A corollary: these things are not for you. What if we defined queer media - one of many possible definitions - as a thing that excludes. Their defining quality is a conversation between queer artist and queer listener, drawn from the conversations the artist had with their friends and lovers, or conversations with the world which anyone within the wall will find familiar.

I am suddenly, humbling-ly and viscerally aware of where the *don’t like white people who like ballroom culture* people are coming from

~*~

The fourth thing is that broader conversation about women with privilege (whiteness, class, straightness), being unable to consider that their behaviour could ever be dangerous or destructive.

Their own narrative of sexual victimhood and shame is central in their own hearts, and they are incapable of adopting an intersectional perspective which adds nuance to their experiences.

~*~

And the fifth is how much they hate you when you try and bring actual queer politics into their fragile world.

Simultaneously asking, on the one hand - could we make this space safe for work again, so it feels a little less like it does now? and being howled at, as if that's an outrageous restriction on their right to talk about pornography.

And on the other, if we are to be a porn conversation place, can we try and rethink the judgemental "anyone who likes weird sex is a threat" attitudes that come up over, and over, and over again.

Needless to say, the needle for "this man is a sexual predator" fired in under 30 seconds and, shortly after demanding I leave the community I established, nobody has spoken to me since.  

~*~

There's a particular soreness, I think, of being around people who want to casually chat about drag and feel like Born This Way is theirs and want to PM you about their dissertation on gay porn studios of the 1970s and stan the Marquis de Sade

but cannot take the reality of being around queer people or their lives.

An ugliness, a grossness, a grossness that compounds the passively "being treated like a sexual object" into an active bar on having sexual subjectivity. A be seen but not heard of the bedroom: be seen, a Bowie-chiselled Velour-glamoured Cowley-sparkling Velvet Goldmine vision;

but not heard, as in, don't ever cross that line into talking about real sex in our fantasies (even when our fantasies are your real sex), and don't ever make us consider that our words have weight.

I'm spending time in a little world with women who like Interview with a Vampire, the Company of Wolves, David Lynch and the Marquis de fucking Sade, and who are so fragile around their own fears of desire that they cannot tolerate someone saying - it's fine to be into stuff, and not be ashamed.

This odd middle space, where on the one hand I am comfortable in spaces which are sexually silent - where the horror and challenge of my body and life never come up; and on the other, I am comfortable in spaces which are radically sexually open, in which no-one need feel afraid or judged.

These women, on the other hand, want something else: this desire to talk about sex billowing out of them, irrepressably, but also to use that freedom to box other sexualities down tight - to judge, to shame, to define themselves coyly by describing others as disgusting, to feel that urge spilling into view only to publically run away from it and demand others do the same.

Erotica, without wanking. Desiring men, without women. Thinking about the sex lives of your toy dolls, but not being into that weird stuff. Fantasies, with no bodies. Male sexuality, with no actual men in it.

~*~

I am the last of three queer people who has left that community; and still, I imagine, the "define our own sexuality in coded ways by judging things we are not as gross, and creating in the gaps around our own bodies and desires a world of gay men who are like I wish to be" conversations are going on; but unobserved by any actual queers who might break the fantasy.

And reader, I liked these people. I'm heartbroken.

[wckdwinchesters]

Sweet One | (part one)?

Michael Langdon x fem reader.

Summary: you’ve survived the nuclear apocalypse and now you’re stuck in a bunker. you stumble across a book and you find out you have powers. You buried them but someone comes along and knows all about you and your secrets.

Warning: none.

Word count: 3716

A/N: This is my first time writing fanfic or however you want to call it and I know it extremely long. I really don’t know how it works that much but so please enjoy this mess and send me criticism so I could get better and tell me if I should continue it!

When I imagined the end of the world often I thought of the apocalypse or the sun swallowing the earth but mankind self-destructed itself and well I guess that says more about us.

 The end of the world was unexpected to say the least, one minute you’re working at your shitty job next you’re on a private jet plane with a bunch of rich assholes flying to an unknown location while watching bombs drop on the city. Honestly, when I looked out the window I felt nothing for those poor souls down there. We were killing our planet and someone just decided to pull the plug early.

 18 months

18 freaking months of eating plain food, following absurd rules, playing dress up in Victorian wear and being with the most spoiled self-entitled people left in the world. I think I probably would’ve been better off having my skin bubble off with the rest of humanity and I realize just now how entitled I was being, complaining about this when most of the world is dead or dying. I think the reason I’m so miserable is because of the company I’ve been in. I mean, a bunch of rich narcissistic people complaining every single day and I can’t connect with any of them because no one is like me.

 When the alerts went out I was at my job being an assistant to Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt. I was sitting in the waiting area of the hair salon waiting for her to be finished. I went up to her and said “It’s time for your daily health post.” she blurted out “So rude, can’t you see I’m getting my hair styled? Her stylist and also her only friend named Mr. Gallant whispered to her not subtly “fire her.” I rolled my eyes and sat next to her in the empty styling chair and said “Do you want me to post an old photo of you? I really like this one you took yesterday.”

I said turning the phone for her to see when an alert almost made me drop it. I turned the phone back to me when everyone phone started going off at the same time. I looked at the screen and back to Coco and Mr. Gallant then back to screen trying to see if it was a joke then Coco’s phone rang and her father’s voice came through very rough and laced with fear. She asked her dad what was happening and midway through her sentence he interrupted her and said “Coco listen to me carefully; the alert is true and there’s a private jet waiting to take you someplace safe! Go now and take what you need. I’d meet you but unfortunately, it’s too late for us, we love you, honey.” he said and pointed his camera at their family. They had gone to Hong Kong for vacation and apparently it was too late because the nuke was already there and the camera went dark. After that she did what she was told and went to the airport and convinced me to go with her and the only reason I said yes was because I felt for some reason, I couldn’t refuse. While we were boarding Coco’s best friend/hair dresser convinced her to let him and his grandma Evie go also since she still has tickets to spare and she agreed given that her husband couldn’t make it in time and by then it was too late and we were up in the air watching nukes hit the city.

  Coco surprisingly convinced Ms. Venable the person who ran the Outpost, the safe haven Coco’s dad was talking about to make me a Purple instead of a Gray. Which were the Elite and the Grays being basically the servants and I really didn’t care either way cause ever since the world ended I felt numb and it been that way for 18 months and I mostly kept to myself and distracted myself with reading or trying to learn new things like languages and I was picking them up rather fast in such a short time and it was weird cause I’ve never spoken or even seen most of these languages.

I found old books on the shelf and it seemed like dictionaries for dead languages like Aramaic, Latin or Ancient Greek and the other books were oddly weird because they had symbols and different languages in them but seemed oddly familiar, which was strange given I’ve never read or learned these languages but when I finally did learn some words I re-read the books and they said such weird things like incantations and spells. So, I’m guessing the boys school that occupied this bunker before had a dark secret and I just stumbled across one. The strange thing wasn’t the spell book in my hands, but it was the feeling of holding it that felt natural to me that was strange. I felt some part of me struggle to let loose and say the incantation but I felt another part of me trying to drown the other feeling. Turns out the part that wanted to let loose won this time and I tried saying the spell half-heartedly and nothing happened but then I tried again with more feeling into it and the room went dark and the fireplace started burning as bright as ever and I felt such a flush of pure power that I pushed a bit further and the fireplace blew out and I was knocked back by my own strength and just like that everything returned back to how it was and I was in a state of shock but also, amazement.

I felt pure energy rushing through my veins and it was the best I felt in a long time but something was still missing. I decided to not cast spells in my room anymore unless I wanted to burn down the whole Outpost and I guess that’d be the way to go but I didn’t want to be caught in my own destruction. My magic started developing on its own and growing fast that I had to hold back and restrain myself from doing something in front any of the others. It started out small like telekinesis and starting small fires anytime someone pissed me off, I had to excuse myself from the dining room and headed to my room to calm down then the strangest thing happened, I seemed to be in one place and suddenly appear in the other. I was walking down the hall and I just pictured me in bed and there I was. That’s when I started to really restrain myself to the point of pain because if someone finds out, they’d probably burn me at the stake and I survived a nuclear war and I wasn’t about to be burned alive by senseless pampered idiots. I only used my powers in my locked room but outside it felt like hell cause having to restrain myself to the point of pain everyday was torture.

 It was a normal night when Mr. Gallant just snapped and said “What are you going to do? Shoot us all?!” then started to talk about the incident that happened a week ago. There had a breach in the bunker and one of the residents got contaminated with radiation or that’s what they said and well let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to get on Ms. Venable bad side. That’s when the bunker alarm started going off just as Ms. Venable and Ms. Mead went up to Mr. Gallant. Ms. Mead was like her personal security guard and both her and Ms. Venable’s face were pure confusion and a bit of fear because we’d heard rumors of the other Outposts being overrun and she probably thought somebody came to finally blow out our candle but I didn’t feel that was the case cause when she went to check on the problem she dismissed us to our rooms and it wasn’t till the next day we would find out what the breach was.

 His name is Michael Langdon and is an Agent of the Cooperative. He gave off such a vibe but I couldn’t distinguish it. The others gave off vibes also and it ranged from blistering anger to utter despair and loneliness. But his was, I don’t know how to explain it but it was like he locked a cage around his emotions and didn’t let anyone see inside it. As Ms. Venable introduced him, his eyes slide around the room as if looking for something or someone then came to rest upon mine. I had to look away because I felt like he was trying to look inside me which sounds weird and was absurd to think he could do that but he felt different. As I made my way to the back of the room of the main room, he had started to talk in front of the fire pit in the middle of the room. His voice sounded rich and soothing like honey and was pleasing to listen to but I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying but I did catch the words sanctuary and choosing who’s going. He was graceful and bewitching to look at and made my heart danced in my chest. I was perplexed on why I felt like this about a stranger and to be honest, I really didn’t care if I went or not. It was like trading a box of rotten red apples for a box of rotten green. Most of the people who were in Outpost weren’t good, honest people who could contribute something to humanity but the ones that were rich and spoiled enough to afford it and I felt like that was a waste.

 I had asked Coco what it was that he had said and apparently there’s a sanctuary with enough food for decades and the Cooperative sent Michael to choose which one of us come back with him to the safe haven now that Outpost is vulnerable to attacks and I just knew, I wouldn’t be chosen cause well I don’t have money or family name to open doors for me.

 Michael had been interviewing for half a week now, interviewing both Greys and Purples alike and I was the last to be interviewed.

 I had hesitated before I knocked. When I did the doors swung opened and he was dressed in black and he looked as handsome as the first day I saw him. I took him in, every detail from his long honey colored hair to the rings he wore on his hand. He hovered for a moment before motioning me to sit anywhere. I walked into the library and sat on a bench near the fireplace while Michael went to close the double doors that separated this room from the rest of the hallway. I sat there staring at him as he made his way over to sit across from me. The fire made his face and jawline appear sharper than it already was. I saw now that his eyes were like the sky after a storm beautiful and an angelic pure blue. They were alluring but dark like there was something hidden in them. I looked away because it felt the way when he first laid eyes on me. Like he was looking inside me and I didn’t know how to feel about that.

I stared at my hands on my lap for a while and I finally asked “Well, are you going to ask me something or are we going to keep being angsty and staring at each other before one of us dies of old age?” that made him grin a bit before he said “I know everything I need to know but I just want you to confirm it for me.” “And how would you know that if we’ve never spoken before? Did you look up my myspace page or something?” He laughed and said “The Cooperative does its research on its residents and I did my own digging.” I stared at him for a moment and replied with a teasing smile “You know how creepy that sounds right? I have nothing to hide anyways so ask away.”

I shifted in my long Lacey lavender dress and proceeded to stretch my legs out and waited for him to begin his questions. They started out simple. He asked my name and age and I replied “My name is (Y/N) and I’m 24.

He was talking again asking how I escaped the blast and what my old job was. His voice was soothing but firm, then he asked me something that had me taken aback and then he repeated the question like I didn’t hear it the first time. He had asked me, if I think any of these people deserved to live. I was confused not because of the question that wasn’t the thing that threw me off guard but the way he had asked it like it was the most normal question and I did nothing but stare at him not with confusion but with intrigue. He waited for my answer when I finally said “Well, it’s not up to me to decide that.” He said “Obviously, but I’d like to know your answer.” I shrugged and said “Are you trying to see if I’m loyal to these people? Cause if you are then your SOL. I’m only loyal to myself and I’m pretty sure if you ask anyone if they’d take a bullet for one another they’d probably tell you some bullshit about us being family to get you to take them to the sanctuary. This may look like a sweet place to live but you bet your ass these people would slit your throat to get something they wanted.” “And you wouldn’t do the same?”

I replied with a grin “I’d probably slit their throats just to get away from them, if I could get away with it.” I said with a chuckle to imply I was lying but I was actually being truthful. He had a smile on his face that made me think that I didn’t fool him. I wondered why he would ask a question like that and if I was the only person he asked it to. I got up to walk around the library and started tracing my finger on the bookcases and I still felt his gaze on me as I walked around the room. “I’m guessing this is where you spend most of your time.” “Better than being with those insufferable imbeciles talking about how much they miss shopping and the internet, I mean, it’s the end of the world what else could I do beside distract myself.”

I turned to look at him and he still had his eyes on me with pure curiosity but I was just wondering what he was thinking about because he looked deep in thought and he gave me a small smile. It made my heart fluttered so I gave him a small smile back and I almost didn’t notice that the fire behind him was burning brighter and I snapped out of that daze and restrained myself to the point of physical pain. He must have sensed something was wrong because I gripped one of the couches tight and he stood up to stand in front of me and I stood up straight and said I was fine and he questioned what was wrong and I replied with the same answer and he said “I can tell when people lie to me.” I gave him a small smile and said to him “It’s not a lie, it’s my truth.” I walked toward the fireplace again and I felt his gaze tracing me like a cold hand and I shivered a bit which was a bit odd being that I was standing in front of the fireplace. When I looked back over my shoulder up at him, his eyes were darkened with thought and just like that it was gone. I wondered to myself then said “Why? Why are you working for the Cooperative? Is it for survival? Why don’t you just take the sanctuary for yourself?”

He grinned at me and said “Are you suggesting I kill everyone left in the Cooperative? If you are then you are darker than I thought.” I scoffed at that and said “Dark? I’m not dark, I just rather keep to myself and not be associated with assholes.” I turned around the whole way and he was closer than before. He stood a few feet taller than me that I had to look up to see his face and he smelled like sweet roses and a light cologne.

  For months before the bombs dropped I felt out of place and different like something was missing but standing this close to Michael made me felt whole but I was as confused as in why since we’ve never met but it felt amazing to be in his presence but made me vulnerable because I couldn’t read him but I felt safe with him despite that. He was all cold and collected, some may have thought he was a robot or something and there were rumors and gossip which I took with a grain of salt but I could see now that he did have emotions but he kept them closely guarded. He whispered “Do you even care if you go to sanctuary or not?” I simply replied that I didn’t know because I didn’t and I rather someone choose for me because to be honest if I went there, I wouldn’t know what to do because what would happen to me if I slip up there?

I rather stay behind and kill whoever is left and be free to do what I want. I couldn’t believe I actually thought that but it was truly how I felt. and if Michael never came I’d probably would’ve snapped and killed everyone anyways. Michael presence made that dark part of me I tried to keep buried flourish and I liked how it felt. He made every part of me tingle. He lifted his hand and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and his hand lingered near my cheek and I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch and then that’s when the fireplace and candles burned hotter and brighter and the swell of power felt strong as he touched me.

I broke the connection between me and Michael. It felt stronger than anything I’ve ever felt and I didn’t really want to let him go. I was breathing hard and rushed to the door as I opened it Michael put a hand on it to stop it from opening any further and closed it and said “It’s okay, (Y/N). there’s no need to hide anymore, not from me.” I looked up at him in surprise and said “What are you talking about? I’m not hiding anything.” “Don’t lie to me. I saw and felt your power when I first laid eyes on you, darling.”

I stumbled back almost tripping on my own feet and dress. I leaned on the couch in front of the doors and whispered “I- don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t control it at times. Are you like me? how do you know?” he smirked at me and answered “I know many things and I know all about you, my sweet one.” The way he said it sounded eerily familiar and then I got such a bad headache that my vision blurred then I dropped to my knees and clutched my head and he rushed towards me and yelled my name and held me as darkness gripped the edges of my vision. I felt my lips say his name in a cry and then it was pure black.

When I woke up I was in different room, not the library but not my room either. My senses were slow to come back to me, the first one was smell and it smelled like roses. Before I came to, I had flashes of Michael with short hair and him smiling and the smell of roses. Michael was sitting at his desk staring at me in worry, I started to try to sit up when he came to help. “What happened to me? It felt like someone took a drill to my head.” Michael looked unnerved and fuming at the same time but he stiffened and said “What happened when you started getting a headache? What was going through your mind at that moment?” I sat up and said “those words you said made me think back but I felt like I hit a wall and my mind went through a shredder. Why did they sound so familiar like I heard them before?”

 Michael got up and started pacing the room and only looking once or twice towards me and I felt confused because he rarely displayed any emotions so I was a bit frayed. I was getting frustrated and was about to say something when he interrupts “I know what you’re going to say, ‘tell me what’s going on or else’ am I wrong?” “How did...” He finally stopped pacing and sat at the edge of the bed and said “Okay, what I’m going to tell you is going to sound insane but you have to believe me.” After a minute of silence after he told me, I was so shocked and felt so betrayed but it was like a missing piece came back and that some things finally made sense now. I don’t remember what I was doing before being employed by Coco. Not really. But what Michael just told me made me so livid that a nearby glass shattered. I put my head in my hands because I had such a flood of emotions then finally I looked up at Michael and moved close and placed my hands on his cheeks said gently “When I saw you, you made my heart throb so hard. I was scared cause I had no idea why I felt like that. Felt like there was a missing piece of me till I saw you.”

[let-us-shine-starlight]

Time Travel Manager - BTS X Doctor Who Fanfic - Chapter 2

Title: Time Travel Manager Rating: Mature (Swearing, Mature Themes such as mental health issues and trauma) Characters: MC, The Doctor, All of BTS. No Pairings as of yet. Description: Lyra is a time traveller who travels through time and space with the Doctor. She’s been doing it for many years now and nothing much surprises her anymore, until they crash land in Korea 2012 and she discovers her future self has given her CV to a company called Big Hit. She now has a job to bring a boy band together and get them to their debut. It just so happens that band is BTS. Can she manage BTS? Can she do the job her future self seems to think she can? THIS IS BTS WORLD INSPIRED MULTICHAPTER FANFIC.

Chapter 1

As I dragged my feet as best as I could down the street, my head was spinning and I just couldn’t focus on what had just occurred. Strange things like this happened a lot with the Doctor, but never to me, the Doctor was the most seasoned time traveller so it was bound to happen to her the most. A lot of the time it just made me laugh, and the Doctor to end up blabbering like an idiot with excitement. However, this time, seemed different. It wasn’t a fleeting comment, a random interaction that made no sense but would later, this felt more serious, more…committed.

I sighed as I finally reached the TARDIS and climbed back inside; carrying the large folder I had been given. It didn’t take her long to just leave me be after that talk, she just up and left, saying good luck as she went. I had no choice but to go to the Doctor for help.

Once I had carefully navigated the wrong way round gravity inside, due to how the TARDIS had landed, I felt a small bit of relief course through me. The lights were back on, the TARDIS breathing once again, it was ok. Maybe we could just leave and forget about everything.

“She alright?” I asked.

“Oh good, you’re back! What’s that in your hand? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost” she asked, homing in on the folder I held.

“Erm, something I was given…” I said, staring at the folder.

“Well, the TARDIS is fine, she came round not long ago, should be able to find out who bumped us in a bit!” she explained as I sat down, suddenly feeling unwell again, she sat next to me “You sure you’re ok?”

“I don’t know” I handed her the file “I’ve been given a job at a company…”

The Doctor laughed, flicking through the pages excitedly.

“I only sent you out for a bit!” she giggled.

“My future self gave them my CV” that stopped the Doctor in her tracks, now listening to me carefully. I explained everything to her and she nodded, understanding why I felt how I felt. It’s a weird and daunting experience. She smiled encouragingly at me, patting my shoulder as she stood back up.

“Why don’t we come back to that then? Let’s go get an ice cream from the best place I know!” she said, beginning to press buttons, pull levers which brought the familiar whirring noise I knew. Relief flooded me again, if only briefly, as the TARDIS stuttered for a second then stopped. The Doctor looked around confused, but the TARDIS wouldn’t budge.

“What’s going on?” I asked, running over to the screen.

“She won’t take off, something’s keeping us here…I’ll run some diagnostics” she quickly typed as I watched anxiously. Not being able to leave made me want to leave even more. The TARDIS beeped as the results came through and the Doctor looked serious “This is a bigger problem than I expected”

“What do you mean?”

“See that?” she pointed to a wobbly line on the screen “That’s us, and this? That’s another time traveller”

“How can you tell?” I asked.

She zoomed in to the lines and showed the detail.

“All of this that surrounds the lines? That’s time travel energy, I’m not sure if that’s what’s keeping us here, I’ll have to keep digging for that, but there’s another time traveller here with us that I need to find and stop” she explained “We may be here a while, so it could be a possibility your future self knew you’d be stuck here so gave you something to keep you from being bored”

“But why a boy band? I hate those kind of things, same old music and tracks, lyrics just as hollow as the rest and don’t even get me started on the dancing and music videos” I said.

“Your future self knows more about you than you do right now” The Doctor said “Come on, Lyra, why not just give it a try? Go have a look at that folder first at least, I’m not just going to leave you alone on this”

She smiled kindly at me and I sighed, smiling back at her.

“Alright, but this boy band ain’t getting far” I chuckled, heading back to the file and sitting down to browse.

“It may be the fact that they don’t make it, therefore causing something else that is meant to happen, wibbly wobbly!” she grinned, starting her own tests.

I chuckled, opening the pages and beginning to read. The Doctor could have been right, I could have put myself up to this knowing I would fail miserably, there must have been something bad that needed to happen in order for the actual future to take place. Must be. I felt my confidence grow, weirdly, inside me as I read what the lady had left me.

‘There are seven boys we want you to recruit. I have included their pictures, names, a brief profile as to why we want them, and obviously where to find them. They’re all in Seoul so don’t worry, should be easy to find. Get them to sign the contract I have also included. Once that’s done, bring them together to meet and think up a name. After that, get them to debut.’

Hmm, seemed like a big leap from coming up with a name to suddenly get them to debut. Was there a process in making a song? Did they only need one? Or a few? Weren’t boy bands given songs to perform? Or was that Western boy bands? Meh. Even if I didn’t figure it out, what would be would be.

I flicked over the page to start getting an idea on the boys. Thankfully, they were all in the city, being able to find them all would be easy enough. As I turned the page, I swear I recognised the face of the first guy. His smile revealed dimples and his name was Kim Namjoon. Again, the name rang bells. I moved on to the next, recognising him too. And the next. And the next. In fact, all of them I knew I had seen their faces somewhere before. That’s when it all clicked. The name of the company. The boys names and faces. In my time of 2019 these guys were huge. I’d seen them advertised for interviews, their tour, some of my friends adored them. Ah shit. I felt sick all over again.

“We may have another problem” I said.

“Hmm?” The Doctor said, turning her attention back to me.

“I’m supposed to form BTS…” I said, feeling that nausea coming back.

 It had easily been an hour since I discovered what my future self had given me. And yet, my stomach just wouldn’t settle. The Doctor had given me a paper bag to breathe in to, even handed me some water too, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around this giant task ahead of me. I so couldn’t do this. It wasn’t a fixed point in time, which meant I could change the course of the entire future, not just of the boys themselves, but of their fans too. Oh God. There was just so much pressure. There was no way in hell I could do this. It was way too much.

“How you feeling?” The Doctor talking to me and feeling my forehead snapped me out of my doubts. I wasn’t alone. The Doctor wasn’t going to leave. She was going to help.

“Yeah, could be better, not gonna lie” I sighed.

“You can do this” she said, taking a seat next to me “I really wish you had more confidence in yourself, you’ve been travelling with me for what? Six years now? What have you achieved in that time?” I shrugged at her “You have done so much, you’ve saved so many lives, you’ve changed loads too, you even stopped a war from starting as well, remember that? I was so wrapped up in other issues I didn’t even realise what the Captain was doing” she nudged my shoulder “but you did, and you convinced him not to do anything, that takes guts! I also remember when you went against what I told you to do, you said I was wrong, standing up to enemies is easy, but standing up to your friends…now that’s true bravery” she smiled at me “Lyra, I believe you can do this, all you have to do is take one step at a time”

I nodded. She was right. At that point I wanted to just leave, not have to deal with this, but if the Doctor believed in me, maybe I could do it. I also knew future me wouldn’t have done this to me without a reason. I took a deep breath and smiled at the Doctor.

“One step at a time” I glanced down at the file still in my lap “first step, find these guys and get them to sign this contract”

“There you go” The Doctor grinned, jumping to her feet “And while you do that, I’m going to find out who this other traveller is!”

My first task, I could do this.

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight: greywash

Every week we are going to be interviewing a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

Hi, I'm greywash! I usually go by Gins, I'm 37, I'm an engineer, and I live with my beta/writing and queerplatonic life partner HBBO (havingbeenbreathedout) in the cheap(er) seats outside San Francisco.

How long have you been writing for?

I apparently "wrote" and "illustrated" a story for my mom about a dragon who forgets his best friend's birthday when I was three, so. It's been a minute. I kill fewer crayons these days.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

Well... basically, I followed @longnationalnightmare in from another fandom, and a few people on my Tumblr dash were reblogging gifsets, so I originally watched the show basically just for more context. (The threeway. By "more context," I mean "the threeway.") Anyway, it took me about 0.3 episodes to be completely hooked: I had read the books a few years back and was ambivalent about a lot of things in them, so when I started watching the show I was expecting a lot less than I got? I'd expected a sort of silly B-show with lousy acting, and, I mean... it is frequently *very* silly, but then it turned out that the cast ranges from 'very good' to 'incredible', and the interpersonal dynamics are *fantastic*, and those are both pure fannish bait for me. The show's not perfect, but they fixed a lot of my problems with the books, a lot of which lived on a character development level... I think the show really has done some incredible work with Quentin, especially; and also with depictions of complex, liminally-sexual queer friendships, like the relationship between Margo and Eliot, which I feel like I've never encountered represented this well in any other visual media source, ever.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Ooh, that's hard. Eliot is just my hands-down full-stop favorite character, but there's always that tricky question of "who is your favorite character to write *in the point of view of*" versus "who is your favorite character to write *about*," especially when you have a relationship or relationships you're really invested in (for me, the asymmetrical Quentin/Eliot/Margo triad). When I want to write stories that are love letters to Eliot Waugh, which is often, then I want to write from Quentin or Margo's point of view, because when I write Eliot's point of view, I am inevitably writing love letters to one or the both of them.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

Well, since I came into the fandom during the post-S3 hiatus—I started watching the show in October—just by default that's where most of my work is grounded, so far.

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

Oh boy, I sure am! I have a lot of work to do on my 39 Graves fic, and then I still have, hm, probably another... twenty or thirty thousand words, ish? On "The Marriage Plot," which is the sequel (...sort of) to "Firebird" and also my sort of... emotional raison d'fanfic, for The Magicians. It's sort of a, uhh... well, let's call it an un-arranged-marriage fic, is the best way I can think of to put it.

How long is your “to do list”?

Oh gosh. It's atrocious, but it's also not all for /The Magicians/. There's "The Marriage Plot," but I also have a long-running /Sherlock/ WIP that got toootally hijacked by me suddenly desperately needing to write hundreds of thousands of words about Eliot and Quentin not getting married, and so I'm just getting back into that; and then I have 39 Graves. I also still owe my partner a /Sneaky Pete/ storylet and have two other outstanding prompts from the summer, one for /Lewis/ and the other for... I.... totally don't remember! /The Good Place/, I think? I saved it around here somewhere. On top of that, I'm doing fan_flashworks bingo over on Dreamwidth, and I don't want my entire bingo card to be "The Magicians," though so far that's been somewhat difficult to resist. And I love the weekly prompt idea that the Rec Center and the Neitherlands Library are running for S4! I had a blast writing for the "Identity" prompt and am looking forward to this week's as well. Well, at least I write fast.

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

I think I have to say "Firebird," because I haven't finished "The Marriage Plot," and who knows how that'll go; but they're so inextricably linked in my mind it's hard for me to think of "Firebird" as like—its own separate thing? I guess I can say that "Firebird" was really uncomfortable in places to write, so I'm proud of myself for getting it done without flinching away from all the, like, body horror and murder and super dubious consent; and I think it does what I want it to do. We'll see how I feel when I finish "The Marriage Plot."

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

Well, I definitely haven't been here long enough or written enough stuff to have that feeling, but—let's say "The Get Down," which is just a little bonbon about Margo and Eliot being best friends and banging a psychic. I love themmmmm~ ~ ~

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

I'm not particularly superstitious about writing, but I am hugely invested in my writing routine—I'm a write-every-day person, and I do mean 'every day'; I'm on a 2,179 day streak on 750words.com—that's a little shy of six years. People are usually horrified when I admit this, but: I get up at 5:15 in the morning seven days a week so that I can put on headphones and write for at least an hour and often more like two before work, or whatever it is that I'm doing that day. (I also go to bed at like.... eight forty-five. I am a party animal.) I also very frequently write on my lunch breaks and have the excellent fortune to live with my writing partner, so we spend loads of time writing on the weekends and talking about fiction. This is literally the life of my dreams, but you have to be a very specific kind of obsessive weirdo to feel that way, I think.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I am too much of an egg in this fandom to have an answer to this one yet, I think. :) I probably wouldn't start a longfic during the season, but shortfic, sure, why not?

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

"Firebird," because of all the aforementioned body horror and murder and super dubious consent. I am a delicate flower, who happens to be fascinated with narrative about people confronting their personal monstrousness. It's a tough row to hoe, man.

Are there any themes or tropes that you like particularly like to explore in your writing?

For /The Magicians/, the particular dead horse that I love to flog is Fillorian marriage, and the implications that forced fidelity have for consent; and also just for how intimacy *works*, within a marriage or a long-term relationship where that sense of choice, of choosing and being chosen, is so much of what lends richness to the relationship.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Nonfannishly: Georgette Heyer, Sarah Waters, Herman Melville, Miranda July. Fannishly.... whoo boy. In /The Magicians/, I'm still catching up on all the great stuff that people have written! @longnationalnightmare , @adjovi , @achray , @shmazarov, @numinousnumbat , and @ohmarqueliot are some of my favorites so far... in other fandoms: gosh, where to even start, I've been in fandom for 20+ years, we could be here a while. I guess since we're on the subject (sort of) of the monstrous, I reread @1001cranes ' "disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage" the other day and was just as floored by it now as I was... gosh, was that really seven years ago? Well, it's evergreen, go read it again. @septembriseur for fiction about altered consciousness. @drawsaurus for the interplay between warmth and brittleness and humor and darkness. @helenish for her endings. @havingbeenbreathedout for the interplay between sex and story, and basically everything else as well.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Right now, I have open on my laptop: (1) @astolat 's "And I Alone Have Escaped to Tell You [which I've read before], (2) @ohmarqueliot 's "Reaching in the Dark" [which I haven't started], and (3) what is, in context, the most ironic thing *ever*: a handbook on strategies for managing ADHD. What? Don't judge me.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Basically that learning to write is just figuring out how to ask yourself "What are you trying to do with this _______?" (comma, word, line, paragraph, chapter, story), and then figuring out how to answer. (Thanks, Dad!)

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

Oh, I mean—I'm pretty okay with even the totally predictable bits of my narrative voice, I don't stress about it too hard anymore, but yes, there are a bunch of words I *know* I overuse. Especially since I'm a little bit blind to repeated words if I'm reading and not listening to my work read aloud, which—I try to do at least one pass where I get my computer to read to me when I'm editing, but I need to have both time and focus to make that work, both of which, I find, are often in short supply. "Tells"—he tells her, she told him—is *the worst*; I'm always looking for it my brain just skips over completely, it's like it's not even a word for me anymore.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

Oh dear. I'd been in fandom for several years before I started writing, but as I recall, the first thing I actually wrote was an exceptionally overwrought and tragic Snape POV Remus/Sirius story. I have no idea what happened to it and I'm almost certainly happiest that way.

Self-edit or Beta?

Both!

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes?

All are delicious.

Smut, Fluff or Angst?

Smut.

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn?

Quick and dirty on the sex and slow burn on the feelings.

Favourite season?

Season Two

Favourite Episode?

Cheat Day

Favourite book?

The Magicians

Three favourite words?

lovely, devastating, yearning

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

[itsbeenawhile7]

The absolution of Dana Scully in the aftermath of My Struggle IV: one pissed off fan’s grand manifesto

–also known as, “what in actual hell happened to Chris Carter?”

If you have not already read through this interview, courtesy of Avi Quijada and XFN, I am going to need you to start there first.

And listen: before anyone goes there, I am not analyzing the fuck out of this to excuse Chris Carter for the disastrous finale he just served up to us. Rather, it’s that there are a lot of us who are products of the Scully Effect in one way or another, and we’d like to feel good about her legacy.  We deserve to figure out a way to clean up this mess you left us with.

Some people write fanfic.  Me?  I do this.  Get some hot chocolate and pull up a comfy chair.

Rant rating: R, for language and possibly some implied violence against Chris Carter

Content warning: I mean…you saw MSIV, right? 

Did MSIV actually destroy Dana Scully for all of us forever?  Nah.  We just witnessed the apex of a once skilled writer complete his own demise.  We just witnessed a writer who got in way over his head, who was trying to articulate extremely complex, controversial ideas and concepts, and doing so in about the most tone deaf way anyone ever possibly could. Having read his interview with Avi Quijada, I now think it is absolutely fair to say that Chris Carter actually did have at least some idea about what the right motivations for his characters were.  But in a writing decision that will baffle me and the rest of the world forever, he did not heed the warnings of those around him, and convinced himself that his audience would be able to infer absolutely everything of import to his story, and that we didn’t need to see any of that stuff actually fleshed out on screen.  Sure, fine, whatever, Chris. Challenge accepted, here we go.

Let’s review. In the space of a scant few ridiculous hours occurring over the course of MSIV, Scully found out all of the following:

the child she thought was conceived miraculously with her partner was not, in fact, created as a the result of that union

she was medically raped and violated in order for William to be brought forth into the world

the being that she has conceived of as their son for 18 years is barely human: he is a shape-shifting, unstable lab creation, who is far, far more dangerous than any of the many forces that have been out to destroy him

William was created specifically by that fucking bastard Carl, and for whatever purpose Per Manum previously served in this universe, Dana Scully and the rest of us ostensibly should now assume it was to obtain fertilized embryos for the CSM to screw around with and deploy when she made the biggest fucking mistake of her life going off with him in En Ami

she is somehow pregnant right now, at age 54 (because Chris is apparently fascinated by perimenopause? or some shit like that?), after having not gotten miraculously pregnant at any point before in her extensive sexual history with Mulder

William directly and repeatedly said to both of his parents of genetic origin that he does not want to be protected, and that he wants them to let him go [quick break here: sorry, Chris, but there is no way that the CSM is the literal genetic father here, because Scully had a fucking AMNIO in season 8, and therefore you will neverrrrrrrrr convince any of us that this could ever possibly be the case]

And in the midst of all of this, Skinner is killed (maybe), her now compromised friend Monica Reyes is killed (maybe), her partner witnesses the murder of their son (maybe), and her partner kills his father (maybe), after having himself killed or witnessed the killing of dozens of New Syndicate operatives (definitely, because: exploding entrails!!!).

Two things stand out to me. Number one: this level of emotional trauma and upheaval is far, far too much for anyone to even be capable of putting up a coherent verbal response to in its immediate aftermath. Number two, to reiterate points Gillian Anderson and Avi Quijada both made directly to Chris: this “grand vision” or “Big Idea” of his should have had an entire season or two’s worth of episodes behind it if it was ever going to stand a chance in hell at working.  I do not believe that the simple act of making these specific storytelling choices is in and of itself the problem, no matter how I might personally feel about it. The X-Files has been telling us a story involving horrifying genetic, physical, and reproductive assaults on its characters since 1995.  We just, y’know, occasionally used to think about the aftermath of those atrocities in scripts and on camera, in episodes like One Breath, Memento Mori, or the Emily arc.  What is abso-fucking-lutely a BIG problem, though, is if your reproductive horror show is executed as poorly as it was written in MSIV. Full stop. 

I will argue until I am blue in the face, though, that Dana Scully is not destroyed by this ending, no matter how poorly written it was. Chris Carter simply didn’t let this character actually do any of what she should have been doing with this ON SCREEN, where we could see her.  We now know for a fact that Chris was aware that he was leaving all of this off screen, so what I want to know is…why?  No, really.  I really want to know the answer, here.  Why on Earth didn’t you show us, Chris?  Hell, you could have even gotten this done with one, or two, or six additional bloated voiceover monologues, since most of what went down in MSIV wasn’t articulated *~anywhere at all~* outside of post-mortem press conversations. (Exhibit A: the entire Monica Reyes sub-plot.)

As a parent myself, I cannot even fathom what it would be like to find out that your child was capable of doing horrific, terrible, inhumane things. That’s also a pretty relevant–if extremely uncomfortable–concept right now, one that could have been grappled with in an era in which we are beginning to finally engage with mental health, gun control, and domestic terrorism in very public forums.  We are made to understand thanks to Avi, that Chris Carter apparently loves using The X-Files to ask us tough questions that don’t always have answers.  So…why the hell didn’t he do it here?  I mean, come ON!  What does it mean to be the parent, biological or otherwise, of a child capable of these horrors?  I’m not saying that any of us have to like it, but as written in MSIV, William is a sociopath.  William is not a human being.  William is not anyone’s child anymore, and William is for damn sure not something capable of being protected.  William can only destroy, because that is exactly what Fucking Carl (trademark pending) made him for. Whether in the Supersoldier sense, or in the New Syndicate global-contagion-let’s-wipe-out-humanity sense, we have been told that the CSM made him to be nothing more than a tool to help execute his own post-apocalyptic needs.

So after 18 years, Scully suddenly and very traumatically has to process that William was an experiment gone wrong (or right, I suppose, if you go talk to Carl). After 18 years, this is the William we’ve got. Can you even imagine how much worse it might have been for Scully if she had actually been there the whole time, watching this happen?  William had a good childhood, he was raised by good people, and he still turned into a sociopath, and he tells us so himself.  Was Scully ever a parent to what William ultimately turned out to be?  That’s…actually a pretty damn good question, in this context. 

And the answer to that question,  according to Chris, is that Scully was the mother of the idea of William, the mother of the idea of a child who was miraculously created out of nothing more than love.  She was the mother to the ideas and imaginings that she had about William for 18 long years.  She was that mother during her pregnancy, she was that mother during his infancy, and she was that mother when circumstances erroneously convinced her to put him up for adoption, in a move that we were told was to try to give him the best life she thought she couldn’t ever possibly give to him.  She was that mother in Ghouli, pouring her whole heart and soul into the idea of her son William in that heartbreaking morgue scene. So, no, I don’t think it means that she instantaneously stopped loving that idea of her son, when the shit hits the fan in MSIV.  But it does mean that she understands that her idea of William hasn’t ever been the right one: the “truth we both know" was actually a horrific lie.  “William…was an idea, created in a laboratory…” is true in this universe, for better or for worse.  Dissecting what that means for Scully, just this one single solitary point alone, should have been granted an entire episode, not 10 seconds on a pier. 

“Scully, he was our son! He was our son!”

He was.

He was their son. For 18 years, they both believed that he was their son. I don’t think anything Scully stutters and stumbles to explain to Mulder in this moment suggests that she doesn’t actually believe that, or grieve for that. It mostly indicates that Chris Carter has no idea how to write this magnitude of dropped psychological bomb. I think he does know his own limitations, which is why it all happens off screen.  Thanks only to Gillian Anderson’s acting, it does appear as though we are witnessing a confused, traumatized Scully here, one who has been exposed to so much death and destruction immediately proceeding this moment that she can’t even find the way forward.  Gillian Anderson, thankfully, fills in the cavernous script hole, and gives us a Scully who doesn’t know how to begin to explain what she has been forced to understand to a now very visibly fracturing Mulder. 

This is not a mother suddenly throwing away her decades of love for a child just because she is getting a “do over” baby. And the only reason we even had to consider whether or not that was the case at all, is solely because of the steaming pile of inadequate shit dialogue that was written for her.

Let’s step back now and consider Mulder, and how his presence impacts Scully’s reaction. Mulder, who shocks the hell out of all of us when he says, “if I am not a father, then what am I?” in MSIV. We have gone an exorbitant amount of time watching this man, who devoted his life to finding his lost sister, seemingly refuse to engage in the same manner with his own lost son.  So, we could take this as an example of even more what-the-actual-Carter-fuckery-are-we-doing-now, OR we could choose to listen to what Chris tells Avi, and believe him when he says this is the hidden motivation that’s been driving Mulder all these years.  You know, off screen.  Because this isn’t at all yet another concept that needed its own entire episode to explore.  Exploding entrails, bitches!

Or, how about we also revisit a much better writer’s take on all of this? Let’s pick up adoptive father James Wong’s narrative, because he actually kind of gets how this kind of thing might work.  In Ghouli, Mulder tells us that we’ve had no idea about his state of mind on any of this. Not ever.  And we can infer that that was intentional on Mulder’s part. He’s doing it because he thinks it is what he needs to do for Scully’s benefit. There is no possible way that Fox-Freaking-Mulder, you punks, didn’t have some ridiculously big feelings about all of this. He’s been presented on screen to us as having sublimated his feelings on the matter since he found out about William’s adoption in The Truth. He wasn’t there to make the choice, and whatever resentment or sadness he may feel about what Scully did, he is swallowing it for her.  He’s standing right beside her, he’s just listening.  That’s his choice.

Also courtesy of James Wong: we know that Mulder has outright lied to Scully about his feelings about William in the past.  In Founder’s Mutation, he tells Scully that he’s had to put it all behind him.  James Wong does what a writer should do to communicate a character’s motivations, by actually showing us that Mulder has lied to all of us at the end of the episode, and letting us see Mulder’s dreams about what parenting William could have been. 

So yes, I am going to take Chris at his word that these really are Mulder’s feelings in MSIV, even though he failed to articulate those motivations appropriately on screen.  Look, many of us have been complaining for years that Mulder’s seeming non-response to his lost son seemed wildly inconsistent with everything we know of his character.  I will take the bone Chris has so generously offered us here as an attempt to rectify all of that.  I think coming into peripheral contact with William in Ghouli began to dismantle Mulder’s carefully constructed walls of sublimation, and by the time he actually gets his hands on him in MSIV, the flood gates have opened and cannot be closed again.

I have no trouble at all buying the narrative that the idea of being a father has quiescently been the single thing holding Mulder together for almost two decades.  Look, I am absolutely here for that.  I think most hard core X-Files fans are absolutely here for that, too.  We know Mulder pretty damn well at this point, and we know that the loss of his sister shaped him forever.  You even made him bring it up in IWTB after years of dormancy.  So, yeah, I don’t have any trouble believing that through it all, while on the run, while locked away and adrift in the Unremarkable House for years, and when ultimately left by a very lost Scully who couldn’t bear north anymore, that this broken man from a broken family did indeed secretly cling to the idea of being a father.  That for all of his failings and losses, he wanted to believe that he had at least had a part in making this miraculous child he dreams is out there.  That he could believe that William was, in fact, living an idyllic childhood, the kind of childhood that he himself never got to have.  For so damn long, Mulder wanted to believe all of that. Yes, Chris, for fuck’s sake, I BUY that, okay? As obnoxious and stupid as that written line is, having now heard it for the 4,000th time, this concept is right on for Fox Mulder.

[Another aside: that line is the one and only moment that David Duchovny loses me in MSIV. But OMG, as an actor who has had to say this ridiculous line every which way to Sunday? I can’t say that I blame him. No one actually talks this way!  There is no actual right way to play it without making all of us want to crawl into a hole and die.] 

Okay.  So Mulder watches his son die. The ideas and dreams that he has carried beneath the surface this whole time die along with him.  Scully sees all of this happening to Mulder, and based on what the Wongverse has established, she has probably not ever seen it look like this for him.  So, what we are getting here is that for this one instance, we are seeing Scully put her own feelings about William second to Mulder’s feelings about William.  Every other moment between them thus far has been Mulder putting his own feelings second to Scully’s feelings about William, right?  I do believe that Chris Carter is daft enough to think that Scully got “her turn” in Ghouli, and so in MSIV, there’s no problem at all if we only get “Mulder’s turn.“  (And apparently, we also have time for Ford Mustang’s turn.) That all plays into the nonsensical words coming out of Scully’s mouth at the end of MSIV. Scully can’t find the words to speak to the guilt and pain she is trying to absolve Mulder of.  How could anyone?

Listen to Gillian’s work, actually giving us some damn meaning here:

“William…William was–”

William was.

Ultimately, here’s MY truth: I hate how the William narrative turned out. I have hated every single moment of the William narrative beyond the end of season 8.  Existence absolutely could have ended the series in the way in which these characters deserved to have their hero journeys end.  And you know, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if I found out that Chris Carter secretly hates that this ending got away from him, too.  I mean, look, we know Chris is a lying liar who is lying in all of the press he is doing right now, as he tries to convince the world that this has been The Grand Plan All Along.  Never mind that this plan is contradicted by his own press prior to 2018, never mind that it is contradicted by all of the other writers and producers who worked on the William story at the time it was conceived, and never mind that it is contradicted by the simple reality that every zig and zag in the X-Files universe beyond season 7 is really the result of never knowing if David or Gillian were going to participate in the story anymore going forward.  So, I’m sorry, but bull-fucking-shit that you had any of this in your head when William B. Davis wrote En Ami, Chris. Why not just admit that handling The X-Files was kind of impossible when one or both leads were maybe not going to be involved in telling the story anymore?  We would all completely understand that, Chris, no one would ever in a million years question that.  Of course you might wind up losing your narrative thread under those business circumstances. We aren’t blind to how the entertainment industry works. 

I mean, there was never any hesitation on Chris Carter’s part to explain why all things had the intimations of a sex scene, not for one minute ever, so don’t try to tell us now that he just kept a lid on the truth about what role En Ami was actually fucking serving in this story for 18 whole years. Sorry, bro, I am not buying it.  When you really think about it, how can Chris Carter possibly not know that he blew it years ago with William’s narrative?  It is precisely the impossibility of navigating the logistics of telling a story far beyond the boundaries set by the involvement of the real people making it that drive showrunners like Vince Gilligan to give themselves a finite amount of time to tell it.  Chris (or the Fox network, or whoever you want to blame) didn’t do that, and therefore he wound up giving up at least 4 other possible endings to The X-Files over to the uncertainty of actors continuing to involve themselves in this project.  I really do wonder if that’s why he went down this particular path of turning William into a monster, and I wonder if that is why he seemingly worked so hard over the course of his Struggles to try to strip Mulder and Scully’s ties to him. Because this really wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

And so now here we are, hitting the do over button with a new pregnancy.  I have no doubt that this guy thinks that he actually could hit the reset button just like that, and magically get back to the original poetic justice that these characters were given in their 2001 ending.  He probably thinks that the fans would see this as a gift, even! I mean, shippers were heard, amirite?  But even the idea of ending with a pregnancy, now many many many years too late, isn’t ultimately the real problem. All together, one more time for the folks in the back of the classroom: the problem is, and will always be, piss poor execution. You could hand this exact story to a Penumbra, or a syntax6, or an Aloysia Virgata, and I have no doubt it could be told in a beautiful (if utterly soul-crushingly painful) way.

So, fine. You want this to be the narrative, Chris? Fine. I will fill in the Grand Canyon of plot holes that you left us. The fandom will follow your stupid bread crumbs, and we will imbue them with the motivations and meaning you claim to have been driven by, but inexplicably chose not to write into any of your recent scripts.  William was. Fox Mulder and Dana Scully have been letting him go, piece by piece, for 18 years.  He was not meant to be.  He was, ultimately, not ever theirs, even though he was created from genetic pieces of them. (Fight me, Chris, you can have that CSM created him, but FUCK NO WE ALL DRAW THE LINE AT CARL’S SPERM!)  We can even give this bleak, wasted moodscape a soundtrack, if you want, in the form of a song you chose 10 years ago for them yourself: I will fire up UNKLE’s “Broken” right here, right now.  

And OKAY Chris, I will even follow you down the rabbit hole of this new pregnancy, and I will take it in the spirit of the way I want to believe you intended it: as a way to desperately claw our way back towards getting the ending Existence gave these characters, the ending that was supposed to be their just rewards for all the nightmares they have lived through.  Scully and Mulder are alive, they are a family, they are going to get to finally have a real human child, okay, fine, it’s fiiiiiiiiiine. I will go ahead and imagine that Scully, somewhere a few exquisite and bittersweet heartbeats down the road from the pier, is running away from the FBI and blowing up the motherfucking car (the Mustang, please).  Scully is going to row a damn boat to an island paradise on her babymoon with Mulder, her vibrator, and a blobfish.  You once wanted all of that to be the post-script for your characters, Chris. You lost the thread. I get it, I really do. 

Look, I’m not a gifted writer or a gifted storyteller. I’m a Scully Effect scientist working in medicine, and I’m an overanalyzer at heart.  My creative outlets skew in an entirely different direction.  I am a woman, though, and I am a mother, and people with life experiences just like mine might possibly have had the perspective that could have saved your story, Chris, if only you would’ve consented to hear us out.

If I had been given the chance to help figure out how to crawl out of the William mess created by all those years of renewal-or-not uncertainty, here’s what I might have suggested to you, Chris: let’s make William a savior, not a monster.  Let’s make William an empath with the power to heal others.  Let’s reference Scully’s alien DNA, her chip, Mulder’s season 7 alien artifact brain shit, and let’s say that all of that came together and allowed for the possibility of superhuman recombinant DNA magic once those two people came together.  Let’s give William the ability to read his biological parents’ minds and hearts from afar, but have it be a benevolent thing, and not a painfully torturous apocalyptic thing. Let’s have William come back to Mulder and Scully having harnessed his powers for good, after the New Syndicate killed his adoptive parents as part of a failed attempt to take him out of the picture. Let’s give some concrete evidence that William’s adoption did, for a time, keep him safe, to absolve Scully of that guilt.  Let’s have him tell Mulder that he saw all of the same dreams about building rockets, and father-son TV nights and talk.  Let’s end the New Syndicate’s plans by letting Scully have some motherfucking agency, y'know?  Remember?  Let’s let her do it all like she used to in the glory days, and go be the scientist that she is. Let’s have Scully save the world, by distilling out some saving grace compound from William’s superhuman blood, or stem cells, or whatever the fuck you want to ask Anne Simon to give you, to fight against the New Syndicate’s planned viral apocalypse.  Let’s have Mulder and William vanquish CSM together; these two sons taking out this toxic, villainous “father” that’s been hovering over this whole show, and let’s have them reclaim the narrative of fathers and sons as something that is good, and positive, and right.

Where’s the writer?  I want to speak to the writer!

In the end, Chris, you didn’t do Dana Scully any justice on screen at all.  But your inadequate words don’t get to be the last words on the subject of Dana Scully, nor do they get to define what she means to us. You can’t ruin her, Chris.  She belongs to us now.  We’ll take care of her. We’ll give her the ending she deserves.

[blind-rats]

What’s the difference between fan fiction and “real” writing? It’s a question that main character Claire ponders in Ship It, Britta Lundin’s debut young adult novel. Is it because it’s not published in a concrete book? Because it doesn’t use original characters? Because it doesn’t make money? According to Claire, who’s a fanfic writer herself, “No, we all know it’s none of those things. It’s merely this: “Real writing” is done by serious people, whereas fan fiction is written by weirdos, teenagers, degenerates and women.”

It’s passages like these that help elevate the story, because it’s clear Lundin — who was a fanfic writer herself — has intimate and firsthand knowledge of the subject. Ship It (adapted from Lundin’s own unproduced screenplay) is about a teenage girl who fiercely “ships” the two male leads in a fictional, CW-esque television drama called Demon Heart and who, once she winds up joining the cast for a publicity tour, is on a mission to make that ship a reality.

The just-released book’s recurring themes — fandom, the LBGTQ community, life on the internet (Tumblr, to be exact) and the thin line between art and its consumers — aren’t written from an outside perspective, but from someone who’s been deep in those trenches. (The original Ship It screenplay is what helped land Lundin her first job as a TV writer, on the CW’s Riverdale.)

During a phone interview just days before the book’s May 1 release, Mic spoke with Lundin about Ship It’s origins, queerness and how Hollywood could benefit from listening to enthusiastic, vocal fans.

Mic: How did the book come about? The story is reminiscent of the Supernatural fandom and the controversy that occurred at a convention.

Britta Lundin: I get asked a lot if Demon Heart is a stand-in for Supernatural. I think Supernatural fans will find something very familiar in it, but it’s not. There’s so many shows that have been put in the same position where fans see a gay relationship on the show that the creators never intended to be there, and suddenly there’s conflict between the fans and the writers or the actors about what is the truth [and] who gets to decide what characters are gay. It’s not just Supernatural; there’s Teen Wolf, Once Upon a Time, Sherlock. Hopefully the show feels relatable to any fan who’s been part of one of these fandoms that is looking to see themselves in the media.

I’ve been in fandom for a really long time. It started with X-Files fandom back in middle school — you know, the message boards and the fan fiction that was posted on Geocities. Now, fandom looks a lot different. For instance, I was in House fandom, and House was a show where you could definitely see romantic sparks between House and Wilson. We were all wise back then to know that that was actually never going to happen because you never really saw gay people on TV.

Now I think fans feel a little bit more empowered to be like, “No, why can’t it happen? Why can’t these two characters get together? In fact, I think the world would be a better place if they did get together, if we did have more gay characters on TV.” The root of the story is basically a teenage girl who won’t stand for it.

Ship It is told through the first-person perspective of two characters: Claire and Forest, a lead actor on Demon Heart. Why did you include the dueling viewpoints?

BL: For two reasons. The first was I was looking at the script and I thought, “Well, there’s a lot of parts of this story that Claire’s not privy to,” so if I’m going to tell this in first person, I either have to put Claire in those scenes so she can tell the story, or she’s overhearing it or someone’s telling it to her secondhand. The root of the story is the idea that there’s the side of the show that the fans see, and then there’s the side of the show that’s actually happening. Sometimes those match up and are the same thing, and sometimes they’re very different.

The other thing is, I really wrote this for fans and for fandom. I think they’re going to see a lot of themselves in there and recognize a lot of the references and the tropes. [But] I also wanted it to be accessible to people who knew nothing about fandom. The nice thing about having Forest is he starts off the book knowing absolutely nothing. When he asks really basic, simple questions about fandom — or even when he’s asking Tess [Claire’s love interest] about her sexuality and she’s answering in these really complicated Tumblr terms that sort of are overwhelming — I hope that that is a conduit for people who also don’t know anything about fandom [or] about internet culture.

There’s a recurring theme about fan entitlement, and how Claire doesn’t think the show only belongs to the showrunner. As someone who straddles those two worlds of fan and TV writer, what are your thoughts?

BL: I always struggle with the world “entitlement” when it comes to fans because when you look at what options fans have, their options are very limited. They can either watch the show or not watch the show, and if they’re not a Nielsen Household, whether or not they watch doesn’t even get registered. It doesn’t even matter. The only real option after that is maybe to tweet — they’re using their voice the only way they have. That’s literally the only power they have.

Creators calling fans “entitled” feels like the ultimate punching down to me, because creators are the ones who hold all the power. They’re the ones who get to decide what happens on the show. They’re the ones who make the creative decisions. The fans can’t do any of that. All they can do is try to make their voice heard. That’s where I come from, and I understand that it can be hard as a creator when you log onto Twitter and there’s a lot of people asking you to do your job in the way that makes them happy. That’s what Twitter filters are for, you know?

Let’s talk about Claire and Tess’ relationship because there’s tension there: Claire is figuring her sexual identity out while Tess is more sure of herself, and they clash.

BL: I thought, “How interesting for this girl who is so confident about her fandom and social justice issues [to also be] really unsure about herself.” That’s certainly something that I related to when I was 16. I didn’t know anything about myself, but I sure had very strong opinions about the current political situation. It feels like a very teenager place to be.

A hard thing about sexuality is it’s so squishy and hard to pin down, especially when you’re young and you haven’t had a ton of experiences yet. “Well, I like one girl. Does that make me a lesbian? Does that make me bisexual or pansexual? Or something else entirely?” You have a world of options available to you and you’re trying to define yourself. It feels like a huge commitment because as soon as you define yourself one way [or] you come out to your parents — and even if your parents are super supportive — it feels like that is forever. Later you can’t un-come out, so that’s what Claire is struggling with — even though you totally can do that, and you can redefine your sexuality as many times as you want.

On the other side we’ve got Tess, who totally knows what her sexuality is. She’s having the opposite problem, which is that she’s got her sexuality stuff figured out, but she doesn’t feel confident being open about her fandom. She’s got friends that she thinks wouldn’t accept it if she told them that she wrote gay fanfic for, like, a non-canon ship on a small genre TV show. She’s trying to maintain her social stuff and this secret internet identity. Which is also how I was in high school. I was super into X-Files fan fiction and went hard on that show and didn’t talk about it at all in school. None of my friends knew.

It’s a story of two people learning to accept themselves. Tess has to learn to accept her fandom and be less ashamed of it, and Claire has to learn to figure out what her sexuality is and accept that.

Tess’ fear of her friends learning of her fandom enthusiasm felt really familiar. Why do you think we have that embarrassment?

BL: When you’re in high school, it’s not cool to like anything. The closer you can get to feeling nothing, the cooler you are. I was never very good at that. I talked a little too much and I would go into my own world and feel the reverie that was the thing that I was passionate about. That was always going to be a barrier between me and coolness. Tess has that figured out where she’s like, “If I talk about this, I’m going to lose cool points and I need those cool points to survive high school, so I’m just not going to talk about it.” It’s just like a math equation for her.

Tess also has numerous differences that set her apart from her friends — she’s black and queer — so I was glad to see her bring up intersectionality to Claire, who hadn’t thought about that before.

BL: I think [that conversation] is important. Claire only cares about one thing in this book, which is her ship going canon and queer representation. Claire’s white, so it took someone else to be like, “Yo, Claire, there are other causes you can care about as well — have you even looked at how [few] people of color there are on this show that we love?” That’s not even the only one: Are there disabled people? Are there trans people? There are so many different ways to have diversity.

What do you want readers to take away from Ship It?

BL: I want fans to read this book and feel seen and heard. There’s more books about fandom coming out, so it’s becoming a slightly more common topic, but for a long time it just felt like the only representations of fans was the crazy, hysterical fan. I wanted a more positive representation of fandom. Claire’s not a perfect character — she makes mistakes, over-reaches and crosses lines.

But I hope that people who don’t understand fandom [will] have a little bit more understanding about why, for some people, a TV show can have an outsized importance in their life. Why, for some people, a character being gay can be the most important thing to them. Understand that this is why we make TV and write books and tell stories: because [for] a lot of people it’ll just be a way to spend an evening, but for some people it can mean a lot more than that. We just have to take care with the stories that we’re telling because you never know who’s going to watch it — and it might change their life.

My plea to fans is, Hollywood is waiting for voices like yours: people who understand fandom and understand the importance of issues like queer representation and intersectionality. If we have those people inside the Hollywood machine, Hollywood is going to get better.

[ameliasnormandy]

Therapy notes with Subject Sparkle part 2

  I am a little nervous about doing this because most of the time, the fanfic that I write is for a more niche group, and I’m worried about people not liking this, but I had fun writing this, so I thought that I would put it out there. If you enjoyed reading it, please let me know. If I have anything wrong, please be kind.

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy it.

This is my second interview with Subject Sparkle. I was only able to talk with her for about twenty minutes because of what happened. I will talk more about that once I get to that part of the interview. Again, I am going to stay out of the interview as much as possible.

I guess it is Wednesday, though I’m now less sure what I am doing here. I don’t know what I can tell you that you don’t already know. I think, I honestly think that my siblings would know more than I do. They have a lot of opinions of what I should do, what I should say. They actually want to talk to you. They have said that if any of us need therapy, it’s them.

              I don’t care. I’m not making any claims to you. Actually, the minute that I can stop this, I will. (I could see that she was almost willing to leave here. She even stood as if she was going to walk away. I was able to stop her, and the conversation continued.)

              It’s just, I’ve always wanted to appease people. My mom died when I was… Wow, maybe everyone does have a problem with their mom. It’s not that I have a problem with her. I was young when she died. I know that it’s possible to have issues with her, but… What does this have to do with the flea market? (Every time she gets too personal, I notice that she asks me about what I want from her.)

              It no longer has to do with that?

              I am a terrible case study if you want to see the lives of those who have been through The Event. There are several others that I think could be used… I’m sorry. I just… (This is the first time that my lights begin to flicker.)

              Alright. Where do you want me to start?

              Well, my life right after The Event (she still refuses to address it as the blip instead of just referring to it as The Event) changed drastically. I told you about that last time. I became a mother to seven. You see, my siblings are all relatively older than me. His first wife divorced him for some pool boy, his second left him for his brother, and mine she was supposed to be his last, and maybe she would have been. She died like I said when I was 8. I know that she was different than my siblings’ moms. She, herself, was already wealthy. Not self-made. An oil heiress. Old money. My father was new money—a self-made man. You wouldn’t expect that someone in her position would have chosen him, but she did. If you had looked at her, you would have thought that she had married him for money. She was gorgeous, and I look nothing like her. She had these gorgeous blue eyes, straight blonde hair, a perfect complexion. I’m not sure where I came from. (She stood and walked to the window at this point and looked out the window, never once addressing my presence) I mean, when you look at me, you don’t see her. You can’t point to my eyes and say that those are hers, and you can’t point to my hair and say you got that from your mother. The only thing that I actually ever got from her is her money.

              (This was when she turned around to look back at me.) I don’t honestly know the answer to that question. I have people that take care of all of that for me. I mean, when The Event happened, I, of course, did my part as someone who could afford to give. Unintentionally, I think I somehow became richer. It made the company look good that we were donating so much money.

              No, I didn’t just use company money. I used a lot of the money that my family had. My mom didn’t have siblings, so all of the money and the company went to me after her death. It was a family company. All family members might not have had a direct hand in the company, but we all sat on the board—family rules. Even I sit on the board. Chairman. Chairperson. I also sit on the board of my father’s company. Well, I did. My siblings kicked me off the board. (She sat back down after this.) I know it seems odd, but it’s just because there isn’t room for them, and I am the youngest. They didn’t think it was fair that I was the youngest on the board, let alone the chairman, chairwoman.

              Yes, I was the chairman of the two companies. The Event made it seem impossible for them not to be open to the idea. All I had to do was prove that I was worth it, and with so few people in the galaxy left, it wasn’t that hard. I am not a massive fan of being in charge. You don’t work for my siblings, right? I guess it really doesn’t matter anymore. They already kicked me off. I hate being in charge. I hate the idea of being in control. I hate the idea of knowing that I make decisions for people.

              This has nothing to do… Oh, right. Making decisions for people. It’s different. It’s not like it’s hard to figure out what is needed to help them most of the time. You help them get food, clothes, you play games with them… I mean, not like mental games… Well, I do… I just mean like board games type of things. You don’t like play like guessing games… Well, you do… It’s just… I mean… (My lights started flickering even more here.)

              Thank you. They don’t need to be sticking things into a socket. You tell them no to that. Those aren’t complicated decisions to make. It’s more complicated to run a business because you might be doing something right for one person, and you might end up pissing like fifteen others off. The want to balance everything; that’s my problem. I don’t know how to do that. I feel like every decision I make, I could screw everything up. In the end, the ones that saved all of us, they were willing to make decisions. (Again, she still refuses to address the Avengers as anything.) Whether it was for ill-gotten gains or for something else, that’s yet to be seen, but the important thing here is that they were willing to make the decisions. I worry about what decisions my siblings will make. Not just because they were randomly selected to be part of The Event. I mean, that is a reason, and it’s not necessarily a small one either. They don’t understand all of the intricate ideas, the thoughts that had to go through all of our heads while we were still here. (Again, avoiding all personal information.) I know this isn’t a question that I have any right to ask, and if you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to but did you… I mean, were you… Were you one of the half that… What I mean to ask is… (The lights started flickering again, more powerful and less controlled.)

              So, you understand. We were at half capacity. We had to hire new workers, but now that the old workers are back, we have to find a way for them to get involved. It’s not fair to them to say that they aren’t allowed to have their jobs back. It wasn’t their fault. We can’t punish them for what he did, and yet…

              I don’t know if they would or not. Some of the board members want to take away that choice. They want to forget about those who left because of The Event, but that’s not fair to them, and I want to fight for them. I just worry that I won’t have the voice to fight for them. Not now when we are trying to reorganize the board too. You see like I said before, they kicked me out because they used my own logic against me. I had to agree to have any chance of saving everyone’s job. I don’t need the money from being on the board. Even as prices begin to rise, I know that I will fine.  

              Of course, prices are going to begin to rise. It’s a weird sense of inflation, but from all that I know about economics, it stands to reason that the banks will have less money as the half the people who haven’t been around suddenly want to withdraw their money. I told them this was going to happen. The idea that they will come back, and when they do, they would be looking for their money. What would happen if we didn’t have it? Thankfully, I prepared with all of the banks my family owns. I knew that we were coming back. We did talk about this last session. Like I said last time, it was just a dream. This thing in my head was forcing me to listen to it. I made a lot of my decisions based on the assumption that they were eventually going to come back, and we all needed to be prepared for that.

              What? No. Nothing else weird happened… Why do you ask?

              That isn’t a typical question. I feel like you are the one trying to force me into a topic that I don’t understand.

              Alright. I guess if you really want to hear about the little things. It’s been easier to communicate with my nieces and nephews. After everyone came back, it seemed even easier than it was before. I don’t want you to have the impression that I couldn’t communicate with them before, because I could it’s just… it’s even easier now. It’s almost like I can feel what they are feeling. And before you even think about going on some random idea that I have some power or other nonsense, I spent five years with them. I made sure that they were happy and taken care of. It would make sense that I could feel what they were feeling.

              Sure. Like the twins. They’re my nieces, Brit and Luc, they turned 13 recently, and I just knew what they wanted for their birthdays. And I know that sounds stupid, but you have to understand what they wanted for their birthdays was a bit obscure. They wanted to go to this old skating rink that we all used to go to as a family when we were younger. The last time it had been open was before The Event. I had tried to buy it, but the owner’s family didn’t want to sell. They also believed that there was a chance that he could come back. And the twins wanted it decorated with these giant stuffed lollipops. I didn’t know that they even remembered the place, let alone want to go there for their birthday. And the lollipops, they don’t even like real candy. I don’t know how I knew it; I just did. It felt right. They were so happy too. My siblings were upset because I could give their children what they wanted, and my siblings couldn’t. It wasn’t my fault. They just didn’t understand their children, but it was my fault. With them, it always is my fault. Again, I think it’s because I was the baby of the family. Which isn’t fair to me with what happened with our father. He was sick. By the time that I had turned 14, he was dying. I got my GED real quick and helped him with anything that I could. He was so upset with me too. He wanted me to have a childhood, but I was more concerned with making sure that he was alright. I got emancipated when I was 15 so that he wouldn’t have to decide which one of my siblings would have to take care of me. I did what I had to do. I did, and they just… They have always been… The words that I want to say… I mean, I don’t want to… They just… I get… (The lights were now flickering with reckless abandon, and then one of them burst, the one right over her head.) What was that? How did that happen? You know, the power grid has been super glitchy at my house too. I mean, we haven’t had any bulbs explode like that, but we have had a lot of flashing lights, and our heater nearly overheated. It’s odd. It’s probably because there have been so many people on the grid lately. I’ll have to get my company to try to figure out the problems.

              Umm, yeah. We can reschedule to finish the conversation.

Next Monday? I work. Can we do Tuesday?

I still work.

No. You’re right. I wouldn’t need a real job, but I have one.

I run an escape room based on them. (I really wanted to ask her about the hypocrisy of it, but I thought that it was best to wait on that)

              I will see you on Tuesday.

 I think you should look into the power grid and see if her complaints are valid, though I feel that you already know the answers.

 I hope you guys like this section. If you guys want to read more, please let me know. I am still very shaky about whether anyone will like this section.

[writeyouin]

Swerve X Reader – A Human Crewmate - Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – The Real Thing

A/N – Based on a lot of @rocksinmuffin head-canons so extra special thanks to them for that. I’d also like to give a big shout out to @robotyuris who left an awesome message in my inbox which was really nice, yep I’ll do your fanfic btw but I do have a few questions since I’m surprisingly new to the whole transformers fandom.

Warnings – NSFW/RATED M UNDER THE “KEEP READING” CUT.

Rating – T

Rewind’s documentary on you lasted weeks. No matter what you were doing, he would walk by your side, asking questions. Whenever he asked about you specifically, you’d give a vague answer that changed the subject, hoping he wouldn’t notice; he always did but never pushed it, how could he when everyone on the ship knew what it was like to lose their home? Rewind sent the interviews over the ships radio-waves, waiting till he could edit it to put it on video. As a result, a few members of the crew had requested that the two of you host a show together, answering their questions; although it didn’t interest you, it did make you feel more welcome aboard the large ship.

At the start of the ‘documentary’, Chromedome had taken to avoiding you completely, after a week or so he started walking behind the two of you, then beside you, and finally he started talking to you; despite his initial shyness, you quickly found a friend in him, even with his occasional, self-depreciating attitude. Having Chromedome and Rewind around helped you become more accustomed to other bots, at least to the point where you didn’t fear them and would sometimes initiate a conversation with others. It was somewhat like being a celebrity, bots would approach you in the hallway, some excited, others nervous, then they’d usually apologise for bothering you, say a fleeting comment, which you’d happily reply to, and dash off, clearly happy. Despite your new-found company, it didn’t fight off the constant loneliness that gnawed at your insides.

"Oh!" Rewind lit up, snapping you out of your daydream, "You haven't seen where all the mechs hang out after a shift."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah, there's “Visages” and Swerves, which would you prefer?"

You knew nothing about either place, so you opted for the first one. The three of you started on the way to “Visages” but quickly found the route blocked by a throng of mechs, all apparently trying to get to some form of event. Chromedome picked you up and grabbed Rewind's servo; he was used to looking after Rewind but ferrying the two of you through the crowd would be a challenge, one knock and you could fall, which distressed him to no end.

Sensing his partner's distress, Rewind suggested heading to Swerve's instead.

"Good plan." Chromedome said, clearly relieved, though he didn't let go of either of you.

Swerve had long since given up on his mission to see you, some mechs got all the luck and he wasn't one of them; perhaps he simply wasn't good enough to meet you.

'At least I have Rewind's interviews,' he thought miserably, playing one about music genres on his private audio channel between serving drinks; he always thought he knew all the types of Earth music but there were so many more genres than he could’ve imagined. Languidly, his optics scanned the bar, travelling to the entrance where, for some reason, a crowd was gathering.

"What's going on over there?" Swerve asked Cyclonus who was sat unperturbed at the bar.

Cyclonus, who was much taller than Swerve, looked over the bots and got up to leave, "The human's here."

Swerve almost overheated, he was so excited it was a miracle he didn't short circuit on the spot. He had to find a way to you, then again, with the entire bar’s patronage already bothering you, he didn't want to overwhelm you, there had to be a way to get to you without looking like a creep.

"Alright," he shouted over the hubbub, trying to appear cool and collected, "Give her some room or no more drinks tonight."

Everyone ignored Swerve, too curious to ogle you to care. You stood high on Chromedome's shoulder, using his helm for balance, attempting to spot who was trying to help you. You saw the mini-bot behind the bar and whispered in Chromedome's audio receptor.

Chromedome nodded, then addressed the crowd authoritatively, "We're just here to relax, give us some space please."

Something about Chromedome's tone demanded respect. The crowd dispersed, each bot heading to their previous area in the bar, most eyeing you up as Chromedome carried you to the bar. He helped you down, you sat cross-legged on the table top while he sat with Rewind on the bar stools.

Swerve took a few moments to think about what he was going to say before approaching you, shooting a cool wink, "Hey there, I'm Swerve, your friendly neighbourhood bartender. For our resident human, how about a free cube of energon?"

"I can't drink energon, sorry," You shrugged off the offer apologetically.

Swerve grinned sheepishly, speaking faster than you thought possible, "Right, yeah, I knew that, I can get some human stuff, OJ and coke and all that other stuff, that can be free too. I mean, of course it would be, you don't carry shanix, that's money by the way, did I mention that-"

"Easy Swerve," Chromedome stepped in.

Rewind's optics lit up jovially, he'd guessed Swerve would be happy to meet you; it seemed that, after all the two of you had been through, you both needed a friend right now.

"Swerve here is somewhat of an expert on Earth," Rewind bragged.

"I wouldn't say an expert," Swerve blushed.

"Maybe, maybe not, either way, he has some interesting stories."

"If you can stand your audials being talked off," a mech taunted from across the bar.

Swerve cringed, so far, he'd offered you a drink toxic to humans, babbled incessantly, and now been heckled; it wasn't a great introduction.

You ignored the heckler, determined to smooth things over with the bot who'd attempted to help you, "I'd love to hear some stories," You said.

"Really?" Swerve lit up, jumping straight into one of his tales "Okay, one time I was on a quest to find the lost ship of Starjet, an old bot from back in the day, and..."

Chromedome and Rewind left the two of you alone, getting a booth in the corner of the bar to simply enjoy each other’s company.

The hours ticked on and you quickly found that the heckler was right, Swerve could indeed talk your ears off but not in an unpleasant manner; you actually found it a nice distraction from the usual questions of home. After a while, you yawned tiredly, Swerve was horrified, the knowledge that humans only yawned when tired or bored echoing in his mind; he hoped it wasn't because of the latter.

"Are you okay? If you want to talk about something else we can, how about you or Earth? Your favourite movies, maybe?”

You shook your head, "Sorry, I'm just sleepy, need to recharge, y'know?"

Swerve nodded vigorously, "Yep, no problem. I can call someone to take you back to your hab-suite or um... I could take you... if you wanted," his spark was heavy as he waited for the probable rejection.

You looked around the bar which had cleared out apart from a few stragglers. "You sure it's not too much trouble?"

"Like you could be trouble," he guffawed giddily, "I'll close up here and walk you back.

"Thanks."

If possible, your smile would've made Swerve blush, he was awe-struck. As promised, he shut the bar, showing the few remaining bots out before escorting you back, talking about anything and everything to do with the ship and crew; he was dying to ask some more personal questions and find out more about you but he didn't want to push you away when you'd so clearly avoided answering them for Rewind.

Upon reaching your room, Swerve felt suddenly lost for words, instead of staying quiet though, he began babbling again, "Here we are, your room, not that you didn't know that, you live here so yeah, you probably knew that unless you think it all looks the same or um, you know. You're welcome in the bar anytime by the way and I can give you the number to my private channel if you need me, wait, sorry, humans don't come with a comm-link, Primus that was stupid, I mean I'm stupid, not you, you haven't done anything to-"

"I'd love to hang out again," You cut him off with a smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's nice to have somebody to talk to as a friend, most bots just want to ask me loads of questions which, quite frankly, I don't want to think about now, y'know? That and they all want to know what my hair feels like; it was nice to just talk, thanks for that."

Swerve didn't answer for a long time, you sighed and said, "You're wondering about the hair, aren't you?"

"It's so unique," Swerve said defensively.

"I'll let you touch it once, that's all, no pulling."

Swerve held a digit over your head, hesitating momentarily before lightly grazing your hair. He didn't linger, as much as he wanted to. "It's soft," he murmured, mesmerised.

"...I guess. So, I'll drop by the bar sometime?"

"Whenever you want. How about tomorrow?"

"Can't tomorrow, Rung makes me go to weekly psyche evaluations since I'm the only human here; how about the day after?"

"Like I said, you're welcome whenever you want."

You smiled, opening your door, "See you then."

You headed to bed, leaving Swerve to go to his own hab-suite. Initially he’d intended to recharge but he couldn't, there was too much to think about. From the second he knew you were on the ship, he'd planned on being your friend, he never imagined he'd feel anything towards you.

"No," he reprimanded himself, "I don't feel anything other than friendship. I mean, she was cute and all but what's really to love other than the attentive way she listens or that cute little human yawn, maybe even how soft her hair is, or that she let me walk her home or- oh no!"

He covered his face with his servos, being your friend would either be the best thing in his life or it would destroy him from the inside; Primus, he hated himself.

Swerve’s servo stroked his interface panel, gently coaxing it open. At first, he’d felt guilty at the idea of doing anything to thoughts of you, but the more he pondered it, the more he realised you’d never want a relationship with a Cybertronian anyway; if being with you wasn’t an option, what did it hurt to pleasure himself thinking about you?

His thumb circled over the tip of his spike, softly at first as he imagined all the ways your small hands could touch him, reaching places no Cybertronian ever could. He moaned huskily, taking time to insert one digit into his valve, then two, and finally three, all the while fantasising that it was your tongue. Primus, just the word tongue was so alien, so… exotic. His cooling fans blasted on at full speed, stopping him from overheating and blacking out.

His free hand reached out, grabbing his spike and rubbing slowly up and down, picturing scenarios where he, the suave bartender would shoot you, the mysterious babe from a galaxy far, far away, a smooth line, something like, “Nice legs, what time do they open,” before sweeping you off your feet and having you do everything he was doing now and more. Could your small frame even take his spike? He’d give anything to know. However, if you couldn’t, there were multiple alternatives, equally as exciting as regular interface.

His vocaliser stuck, he was already close to overloading. He didn’t want to stop yet but the images of what you’d be like under your clothes were driving him wild; he’d never seen a naked human before but he didn’t think you’d be too different from a Cybertronian.

How would you speak during interface? He pumped his spike faster, the first few drops of trans-fluid spilling from the tip.

He could practically hear you now, “Overload for me,” You demanded and so he did.

Covered in his own trans-fluid, with even more fantasies of you floating through his processor, Swerve fell into a satisfying recharge.

[andrea-odown]

Keep on Singing - Chapter 41

A Sing (2016)-fanfic.

Read it on FF.Net and AO3.

Description: A few months have passed since the grand re-opening of the Moon Theater. All in all everything seems to be fine. But under the surface, everyone has to deal with some problems. Ash is facing writer’s block with her new album, Rosita is enjoying her new life as a famous singer, but has less and less time for her family, Mike is still hiding from some angry bears, Meena may has overcome her insecurity when it comes to singing, but interviews are still a challenge for her, and Johnny wants to turn the garage he and his father used to live in into a youth center. And Buster has to keep the theater running while keeping Ms. Crawly from driving the new secretary crazy and writing a new play.

Chapter 41: Ash

Ash is still surprised how finishing her album has changed everything for her. The label is happy, Mr. Moon is happy because they already found a date for her exclusive album release-concert, and of course, she herself is happy. More than anything.

Because she did it!

She wrote an album! An entire album!

The thought alone makes her giggle with joy.

And now all she needs to do is record it. And rehearse, of course.

She is going to start recording after the charity concert, so she decided to use the time left to rehearse and help with the preparations for the concert.

Funny thing is she hasn't ruined anything at the garage ever since she finished her album. No notches because she used her hammer with too much force, not almost killing someone because she sent her hammer flying, no, just her doing some decent work.

She likes how that feels.

And she likes, too, that Lance hasn't sent her any more flowers ever since Cia threw him out of the theater. Although she must confess, she misses Jared a bit. It was nice to see him every Wednesday, and it was nice to do something good with the flowers she didn't want to have. Jared kept telling her how much the people at the hospital loved the flowers.

Maybe she should buy some flowers and have Jared deliver them to the hospital. She could make this her own weekly ritual, maybe for Wednesdays.

So Lance's persistence was at least good for something. The people at the hospital are going to get more flowers out of it.

And maybe she should be there at the hospital, too, and help Jared because that way, she could see how much the people like her flowers.

Yes, that sounds like a plan.

She checks her watch. According to it, she has time to play her latest song - the one about the girl who's a sweetheart unless you tell her so - once more before she meets Johnny so the two of them can get to the garage.

With a smile she plays the first chord.

"So, how are things with Cia?" Ash asks when Johnny and she reach the foyer on the way to Johnny's truck.

"Good," he replies. "I apologized, we talked about it, she isn't mad at me, and we're talking again."

"That's great!" Ash calls out. "What did she say to the song?"

"Uhm, nothing."

"Nothing?" Ash repeats, her eyes widened in surprise. But then it hits her. "Let me guess. You didn't tell her, right?"

Johnny clears his throat. "Well, I've been so busy with the work at the garage and the concert two days ago, I simply didn't have the time to talk to her yet."

Ash rolls her eyes. "Yes, Johnny, that's what we call procrastinating."

"It's not!" Johnny replies. "It's … uhm …"

Ash waits for him to go on, but he doesn't. She waits a little longer. Still nothing.

"Then what is it?" Ash asks.

Johnny sighs. "Okay, maybe it is."

"But why?"

"Well, we are talking again, and I don't want to ruin that."

Yeah, because you have a crush on her.

Ash can catch her tongue just in time. Although she isn't sure why. Johnny is so slow on the uptake, maybe he just needs a little push. She could still say it, though. Maybe she should.

They've just exited the theater and Ash opens her mouth to do just that when she sets eyes on a familiar porcupine waiting at the foot of the stairs.

She closes her mouth with a snap and presses her lips into a thin line.

What's Lance doing here!?

She looks back at Johnny who gives her a little nod and moves closer to her side. Together they descend the stairs.

They haven't even reached the foot of the stairs when Lance comes closer.

"Ash!" he calls out. "Ash, please!"

He tries to get closer to her, but Johnny blocks his way.

"Ash, please, I just want to talk to you!" Lance begs, ignoring Johnny as best as he can as he tries to look around him to look at Ash. "You don't even have to say anything, just listen. Please!"

There's something in his voice that makes Ash frown. Or is it just the fact that she hasn't heard him beg for something in ages?

"Ash, please!" Lance says again.

Johnny looks at her over her shoulder. She bites down her lip, then gives a little nod. Johnny returns the gesture.

"Okay," he says, stepping out of Lance's way. "I'll be right over there if you need me." And with that he walks over to his parked truck.

Ash nods again, and then Lance is standing in front of her.

"Okay, Ash, look," he says. "You were right."

"Was I?" Ash asks. She doesn't even know what Lance is talking about.

"Yes," he says with a little shrug. "I never apologized to your face. I-I just thought saying it on a card would be enough. But it isn't. Writing it down on one-hundred cards still wouldn't be enough. Although I might have reached that number one day." He laughs nervously.

He could be right about the one-hundred cards, though, Ash thinks.

"But you deserve more than that," Lance goes on. "You deserve the whole story." He takes a deep breath. And another one.

"So?" Ash asks, twisting her mouth a little.

"Okay." Lance inhales deeply one more time and lowers his eyes to the ground. "Back when I started the band and was looking for a background singer, I must admit, I saw your talent when you rehearsed. But I didn't see all of it, just a glimpse, and I thought it would work. And it did, for a little while at least. We improved together, but then there came the day when I seemed to have stopped improving and you just got better and better. Your voice grew more amazing with every song you sang, and then you started getting carried away on stage. You upstaged, you almost pushed me off the stage a few times. I know you didn't do it on purpose, but it was getting on my nerves. Because here I was, the lead singer, the founder of this band, being upstaged by his background singer. And the worst thing was, during the few gigs we had, the people seemed to love you for it! And after that the koala only chose you, not me which was another punch at my already bruised ego. And if that hadn't been enough, you suddenly announced that you wanted to write your own song. Writing songs! That was the last thing I had left I could do and you couldn't, and there you were, willing to take that away from me, too."

Ash opens her mouth to interrupt, but Lance holds up his hand, cutting her off before she even gets the chance to speak.

"And every morning you left for rehearsals, so excited and happy, and I was left behind. I felt so hurt, but couldn't let it show. And then I met Becky. She was looking up at me and she loved everything I did, she loved to sing songs together and she didn't get carried away, and I guess it was just what my bruised ego needed."

Ash tries to process what he was trying to tell her. Was he trying to apologize or was he trying to blame her for what happened? She isn't sure about that.

Lance sighs. "The thing is, Ash, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to push you down, I never meant to do you wrong, but the truth is, I did all of that, probably more, and I am sorry for that. I should have supported you, instead me and my stupid ego ruined everything. And I am sorry for that, too."

Ash blinks a few times, still trying to process what she's just heard. She hasn't heard Lance apologize for anything in a very long time. She hasn't seen him so contrite in a very long time.

And then she remembers. He's so much more like he used to be back when they started dating. There's a bit of the Lance shining though she has fallen for all this time ago.

And somehow it's a relief to know that she hadn't fallen for a complete jerk, that something of the Lance from back then is still left.

Lance shrugs. "Now that I spent a lot of time thinking about this, I would understand if you could never forgive me. I just wanted to let you know the whole story, well, my side of the story at least. And I wanted to apologize. So, yeah, good-bye, Ash. And sorry again."

And with that, he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and leaves.

Ash just stands there, dumbfounded, her brain still trying to catch up with what Lance has said.

It takes her a while to realize that Johnny has walked up to her and is now standing next to her.

"That sounded genuine," Johnny says.

"Yeah," she says, looking after Lance. "Yeah, it did."

And then she runs off.

"Lance, wait!" she calls after him.

He stops and turns around to face her with his eyes wide.

"Thanks for your apology," she says. "It means a lot to me. I think I …"

"Can forgive me?" Lance cuts in.

She shakes her head. "No, but maybe we can …"

"Start over again?"

"No! Would you please let me finish my own sentences!?"

"I-I'm sorry. Again," he says with a sheepish grin. "Guess I got carried away."

She almost laughs at that, but pushes the laughter down just in time and settles for an eye-roll instead.

"Well, what I was trying to say, maybe we can go grab some pizza together or something and, you know, talk?"

"Sure!"

"Okay, I'll call you. Bye, Lance!"

"Bye, babe!"

She has already turned around, but now looks back at him over her shoulder with a glare.

"Easy on the babe, Lance," she says.

"Oh. Yeah, sure," Lance replies. "Bye, Ash!"

She rolls her eyes for real this time before she walks over to Johnny, ready to finally get some work done at the garage.

[unrealshadowsss]

Story

2000-2010

I was born on March 2000.  I was always a quiet child. I liked to play alone and could spend a lot of time just doing that. I lived in an apartment with my parents. My dad has a truck and travels a lot, so he wasn’t always home. I have memories of me daydreaming at a young age.

When I was 6 I began primary school. I did very well at school, and the teacher always chose me to read aloud in school events, because I could read fairly well for my age. I didn’t have friends. At age 7 I entered second grade of primary school and still didn’t have friends. It didn’t bother me, it’s something I didn’t even think about. On the recesses I liked to walk around the whole school alone. I would start in one place, move through the school, and end up in the same place, it was like a circular movement. Then at the end of this school year, some girls from my class started talking me. They asked if they could borrow me a pencil, and I told them they could. After that, those girls started talking to me and wanted to be my friend. They said they had avoided me before because someone else had told them I was a bad person and they should stay away for me. So, from that moment on, I was friends with them. I remember there was this girl, and she was like the cutest and most popular girl in the class, and for some time I became sort of her best friend. But, I knew that I would be transferred to another school the next year, so I had to tell them we wouldn’t be together for too long.

In 2008 I moved to a house. I had my own room now, where no one could enter without knocking. and I began my third primary school year in the new school. At first I constantly asked my mom why she had to transfer me to another school. I’m not sure how much this feeling of missing my old school lasted, but it eventually stopped. I didn’t make any friends there, but it was something that didn’t bother me. I have a memory where I’m playing a video game and suddenly start feeling sad about that group of friends I left in the other school, and start crying.

Around this time we had a desktop computer at home which I eventually was allowed to have in my room, but I didn’t have an internet connection. I would play games such as GTA, Monkey Island 3, Motocross Madness 2, and others.I also remember that around this time there was a very popular website in Argentina, Fotolog, where people would upload their pictures. There was a subculture known as Floggers, they had a particular fashion style, you can search it on Google. Anyway, I wanted to have a profile on that website and start uploading my pictures and become popular. I started daydreaming about it. There were some famous people on the site who even went on to appear on TV, magazines, newspapers, etc. and I wanted to be like them (I cringe now when I think about it) So I created my own page, which nobody knew I had except my aunt who was a teenager at the time and used that site a lot. Then my mom found out I had one and was surprised, and my aunt told her she shouldn’t worry about it, because everyone had one. We didn’t talk about it again, but I kept thinking about being Fotolog famous. I wanted so badly to have my own photo camera and my own notebook. But I knew I wasn’t going to have it anytime soon.

In 2009 I started getting really into Disney celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, etc. I watched Disney TV shows a lot, and eventually I forgot about the flogger thing. When I was 9 I used to go an Internet café (they were popular at the time) and I searched information about those celebrities. I also played The Sims 2. When I first heard about The Sims (I think I was 8), I was fascinated by the concept, because that way I could put in the game what I imagined as my adult life, like what house I would have, how many children, etc. When I found out about it, I was going through a period in which I daydreamed a lot about my life as an adult. My cousin told me about the game, and we would discuss together what our adult life would be like, everything we would do.

I have a memory around this year of me sleeping in the same room as my mom. I had been watching a movie on TV and was daydreaming about it, and I was saying words aloud, as if I was talking to someone (not too loud but in a silent place they could be heard), and my mom asked who I was talking to. I think in that moment I understood I had to be more careful with acting out daydreams.

By late 2009 (I think it was around October), my cousin had his first Notebook computer, and also my aunt, and basically since they were all getting their own notebooks, I was supposed to be the next. So my parents bought me one. I didn’t have an internet connection in my house but my neighbours, which were my aunt and uncle, had one. So I had to go the room that was nearest the Wifi. What I did was basically search everything I could find about the bands I liked. I watched the concerts, video clips, etc. I even read fanfics. But I hid all these things from my parents. I don’t know why, I just felt like I had to. And they didn’t ask what I did on my computer.

I remember asking my mom if she could buy me the CD of one band, and she refused because she said she didn’t know their music. After that I sort of stopped asking my parents to buy me CDs or DVDs

.My cousin showed me some videos of songs translated into Spanish, and since that moment I started watching a lot of those videos. I think that was my first contact with the English language (except some video games that were only available in English and the usual English words you see everywhere) I would memorize the lyrics in Spanish but didn’t pay much attention to the English words at first. I learned how to make videos on Sony Vegas and made my own Youtube channel where I translated songs. They weren’t my own translations because at the time I didn’t really speak English, all I did was using some translations I found online. I didn’t show this channel to anyone but my cousin. But one day he decided to show one of my videos to my dad without my consent. I remember feeling embarrassed and betrayed in that moment, I don’t remember what my dad said but basically he didn’t like it very much.

I started talking to other fans online. Mostly it was people I met through Youtube. I created my own Facebook account that was dedicated only to those celebs. I also used Messenger to chat with people. My parents didn’t know any of this either, I don’t think they would have allowed it.

My parents didn’t know I liked all these bands and singers, and I didn’t know how to tell them. Believe it or not, this was a huge problem for me. I remember asking the people I talked to online, which were other fans, if their parents knew they liked those celebs, and how did they tell them. For everyone it was normal, but I didn’t know how they did it, how to tell them. I wanted to go to one of their concerts in Buenos Aires, but since my parents didn’t even know I was their fan, I couldn’t ask to go to a concert either. Looking back, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have allowed it.

I watched a lot of documentaries about my favorite celebs and interviews in Youtube. Gradually I started visting more websites in English. I used an online translator at first but soon, without realizing it, I had learned the language. I don’t really know how, but I guess, being so young, it was easy for me to learn new languages. I remember (around 2011) watching an interview without subtitles and thinking “wow, I can understand this” and realizing I no longer needed subtitles.

I had created a Twitter account, which I used during 2010-2011. There I could connect with other fans. And, once again, I hid all of this from my parents. I spent most of my time in my room in Twitter, and when I was not on Twitter I was serching more information about my idols in other websites.

I was a fan of a boyband, and one of the members started disappointing his fans. There were “bad” rumours, and I didn’t like any of that. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I started feeling really bad, I got into a very bad state, where I had suicidal thoughts. All of that was caused by fanatism for the band and my daydreams. I guess I thought the guy was disappointing his fans and that conflictd with the idea of them being the best band, or at least, having very united and loving fans? I don’t know. In fact, to this day, I don’t really understand it. But I was feeling very bad. I’m not sure how much it lasted. I would listen to sad songs while pacing around my room, daydreaming and crying. I remember being at school crying, and no one cared. I remember being at school and thinking “if I had a gun right now, I’d kill myself” I saw no point in living anymore.  I think I would have been capable of that if I had had a gun. Of course, I didn’t tell this to anyone, probably because I didn’t know how to explain it, or maybe I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone? I don’t remember, I don’t remember what my thoughts were about other people knowing about it, I think at the time I just assumed it was something I should deal with alone and telling others didn’t even cross my mind. Then it stopped. I simply stopped feeling that way.

I continued using my Twitter account, and I would spend a lot of time daydreaming about the band I liked. I basically imagined what their tours would be like, what they would say in their interviews, and things like that. I watched interviews from other people just to add to my inspiration. Let’s say I watched an interview. What I would do was just pause after every question and imagine what they (the members of the band I liked) would answer, things like that.

There was also a period where I wanted to be famous. So I imagined what a documentary about me would be like. But it wasn’t something very elaborate, more like random scenes about that documentary film. I also imagined being in a concert while listening to music with headphones and pacing around my room. I had planned I could become famous by uploading my videos singing to Youtube, sort of what Justin Bieber did. But then, at a certain age (when I was getting close to 11, I think) my daydreams stopped focusing on me as a celebrity, and started focusing only on other people.

I spent most of my time in my room with my notebook. I only left my room for eating, showering and going to school. My parents started worrying about this, but they didn’t really do anything to stop it. They would tell me it was bad for me to spend so much time on my PC, and I found that annoying. School was really easy, so I didn’t even have to do homework (maybe only once in a while) I learned how to torrent movies, music, etc.

 I remember one time my computer had had some problems and I had to sent it for repairing. I tried to delete everything I had on my pc about my celebs, all the images, videos, etc. I just felt like I couldn’t show that. And I also remember one time where my mom saw my computer, I had to show it to her because it was broken, and there was a file of a concert I had downloaded on the desktop. I think it was a Madonna concert. I was panicking, because I didn’t want her to see it. I didn’t want her to know I downloaded things from the internet.

2011-2016

In 2011 I stopped caring about the Disney celebs I liked before, and started having an obsession with The Beatles. I think I discovered them when I  found one of their movies, and then started investigating more about them. I had now found another band to daydream about. I listened to most of their albums, watched a ton of documentaries, and was always looking for information about them.

Around this time I also discovered Tumblr and made an account.I also discovered other rock and metal bands, but didn’t listen much to them, I only really cared about The Beatles.

There was also a period where I started getting really interested in astrology. I can’t really place this correctly in a timeline, but I think it was in 2011. I remember discovering bands like The Sex Pistols, and watching some documentaries about. Sid & Nancy was I movie I liked, and I daydreamed about it, I imagined myself in the place of a punk musician in the 70s. And I would pace around my room listening to some Sex Pistols songs.

During 2008-2011 I was pretty much alone in school, and didn’t really care about others. In 2011, I was in sixth grade, and I remember some people thought I was weird. In fact, some children said I talked and laughed alone, so they started calling me crazy. I had some teachers talk to my mom saying I had some sort of psychological problem, and that I should be taken to a psychiatrist. Why did they think that? Probably because of what the other children were saying about me talking alone, and because they saw I was always alone and didn’t show much interest in being with other children. One of the teachers told my mom “In the USA, children like that end up shooting schools” But my mom didn’t pay attention to them, she thought I was simply an introvert and they were exaggerating. I was probably so immersed in my daydreams that I made gestures or said some words corresponding to what I was daydreaming. I can understand people at that time thinking I was crazy, but I could distinguish perfectly between dreams and reality.  My teacher’s comment about shooting schools is interesting, because I remember that at 11 I found out about the Columbine Massacre and watched a documentary about it. I daydreamed for some time about this, imagining myself in the place of someone who suffers bullying and shoots up a school with one of his friends. Of course, I would never really do that in real life, it was just something I daydreamed about.

I basically stopped talking to my cousin after 2010, because he had his own group of friends, and he was also 3 years older than me. He was very interested in music and in 2012 had his own band. In february of that year I went to his birthday. He was playing with his band. That day I saw a guy, the bassist, and thought he was good-looking. After that day I would sometimes think about the guy I saw, but I knew nothing about him. Then my birthday came, in March, and my cousin invited that guy. It was the first time I talked to him. Some days later I went to Facebook, which I never used because I preferred being in Twitter/Tumblr, and searched his profile. He posted a lot about himself, so I had an idea of what he was like. I started daydreaming about dating him, and forgot about my previous daydreams.

That guy was 16, so I knew that was a big age difference and it probably wouldn’t work, but I still hoped maybe it could happen. I knew I would be considered ridiculous if I said I was in love while being 12 years old, and that bothered me. And yet now, looking back, I think it was the only time I was actually in love with someone. I started seeing in Facebook not only his profile, but also basically anything related to my cousin’s group of friends. They were metalheads. I would see the photos of the concerts they went to, and imagined myself being with them. I wanted to belong to that group, but no one ever invited me to do anything. And I also knew my mom wouldn’t let me go to concerts, and wouldn’t want me to listen to that music, to wear those clothes, etc. I knew I couldn’t really be what I wanted to be.

So I spent 2012 daydreaming about being with those people and dating that guy. I remember in July of that year I was invited to go to a sort-of-concert where my cousin was playing with some people in another city. He was part of a music school, and it was the end-of-year concert, I think. I knew most of his friends would be there, including that guy, so I was excited to go. I went with my aunt.

None of his friends were there at first, but then I saw him arrive, just in time to see my cousin in the stage. He sat behind me. I wanted to see his face so badly (the only time I had seen him before that was in my birthday) but knew it would be too obvious if I stared at him. Then the song ended, he and another friend went to talk to my cousin. They decided to go to eat somewhere, and I wanted to go with them, but I wasn’t invited. I think they didn’t even talk to me. So, instead I had to go with my aunt to eat somewhere else. And meanwhile I was in the restaurant with my aunt, I would imagine I was there with the guy I liked, that we went out together to eat. We had dinner and then we headed back home.

I remember sitting in the car with my aunt, looking at the window and crying, crying because I knew I would never be with the guy I loved or with that group of friends, because I knew I would never be part of any of that. Maybe it was because I was too young, but I had tried to be invited, to be with them, but I was ignored. I hated the limitations of being 12, I didn’t like that I was considered so immature by everyone. Looking back, I think I actually had the mentality of someone who’s 14-15, I’m sure I would have gotten along with the group of friends, even if they were older than me.

The year ended, and in 2013 I started secondary school. At first, I didn’t have any friends and sat alone like always, but then a girl sat next to me and we started talking. We became friends, but we were never really close. She was my friend and the person I sat next to during 2013-2015. I remember thinking I was glad to have found someone who didn’t require me to go out with her or talk to her a lot. I think we saw each other outside school only like once or twice a year.

By the end of 2013 I stopped caring about the guy I liked. He changed and disappointed me, and I stopped caring about the rest (my cousin and all the group of friends). I had now discovered a new band, and I also started getting interested in languages. Russian was the language I wanted to become fluent in. 

One day I was talking with my mom, and she mentioned I seemed to like learning languages, and asked if I didn’t want to learn a new language. I told her I did, and she mentioned she had always wanted learn Russian or German. Those were exactly the languages I wanted to study, so it was a bit surprising. We started looking for courses in our city, of both German and Russian. My dad said it didn’t make sense for me to study Russian, because it isn’t a popular or useful language here, meanwhile German is more popular. I felt like I couldn’t justify my desire to learn Russian, and ended up just choosing German, even thought I actually wanted Russian.

In 2014 I started going to German classes, and I studied Russian on the internet. Nobody knows I studied Russian because as I said, my parents don’t really know what I do on the internet. During 2014 and 2015 I had very good grades at school and in the German class. I was very motivated, I wanted to have the best grades, and could spend a lot of time studying.

I spent most of my 2016 summer holidays (December of 2015 to March of 2016) studying Russian. It had started to become like an obligation for me. I mean, I liked it and I knew it was not something I HAD to do, but I had the goal of becoming fluent, and so I felt like I needed to spend all of my time learning. If I spent much time doing anything else, I thought I was “wasting time” But I also couldn’t help getting distracted sometimes, and instead of all the time I could have dedicated to it, I only dedicated a few hours. Despite that I actually managed to learn a lot, I’m not fluent but I have a big vocabulary, I understand like 70% of what people say/what I read in most situations. If I had to speak or write, though, it’s much more difficult.

Around march of 2016 I decided to simply stop learning Russian. It was sad for me to stop, but I couldn’t see any use for it in my life, and it was very difficult to become fluent, especially because I had no one to practice with, and there aren’t many resources on the internet, at least not much compared to languages like German or French. It was very difficult, I was dedicating too much time to it and I thought I wouldn’t get anything from it because Russian isn’t such an important, and the only language I really needed was English. So I sort of gave up. And I remember feeling sad about this. In a way, I hated the fact that the Russian language wasn’t given as much of attention as other languages, and the fact that English is the lingua franca of the world.

In March of 2016 I started my fourth year of secondary school, and things changed. First of all, I now had to go to school in the morning (7 to 12 aprox.), and I discovered I really hate waking up early in the morning. Before that I went to school in the afternoon (13-18 pm) I wasn’t used to going to bed early (used to sleep at 12 or 1 am), and I think for most of that year I couldn’t go to bed early.

I also had new classmates now. Only 5 people from my previous class were there. This wasn’t a problem for me, I didn’t really care. I remember my friend talking about her expectation for this new class, if it would be better or not compared to the last, but I didn’t have any expectations, I thought I would feel the same in whatever class I went to, because people were always the same to me.

I now had to go to German class in the afternoon, and it was getting really difficult for me because when I got home from school all I wanted to do was sleep. So I started hating having to go to the class, and I wasn’t studying as hard as in 2014 (in 2015 I didn’t go to German classes because of schedule problems) I still did well, had good grades but lower than I used to.

I don’t know why but studying started to become really difficult for me. I couldn’t study for too long. I suddenly couldn’t understand how I used to be able to study for hours. It’s like in 2013-2015 I had an “alarm” that, whenever I remembered I needed to do something important, would make me stop focusing on any distractions and start studying. I started feeling that alarm no longer worked. It got to the point where I knew I had to do some important homework for the next day but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still managed to get good grades, though. They were lower than in the previous years but still one of the best in my class. School here is quite easy, teachers give you a lot of opportunities to pass, and students aren’t expected to study much. So nobody realized how things had changed for me, I felt it was harder for me to concentrate, to study, but it didn’t reflect on my grades, and my family thought I was studying as always. My friend started hanging out with a guy and another girl of our class, and so we became a group of friends. I’m not sure when I started having the feeling of loneliness. Probably around July.

I remember going to my German classes and feeling like I wanted someone to be with me. I guess started to feel more distant from my classmates and my friends in the class. I knew that in July we would receive exchange students in our school, and I started daydreaming about it. At first, I imagined I would have a girl best friend who was an exchange student. I especially wanted her to be from Germany or Russia because I wanted to practice the languages I was learning. So I was very excited about it. I daydreamed more and more about having a best friend who understood me, someone I could really trust and like. Then the day came. An Italian girl and a French guy came to our school. The Italian girl went to my class (the 7th) and the French guy to the 1st. My first reaction to the guy was the he was really good-looking. And from the gir, well I was curious and wanted to get to know her more to see if we would become best friends or not.

The Italian girl became a part of my group of friends. In a way, I had gotten what I wanted, because I wanted any exchange student that came to the school to belong to my group of friends. It was with us that spent most of the time, she sat near us, and eventually ended up sitting next to me. At first it seemed like we were going to be great friends, but it never really happened. I think we spent some months sitting next to each other, I sometimes helped her, explained the meaning of words, etc. But our relationship never evolved. She knew I thought the French guy was cute, and soon my other friends found out. So we would often talked about it. I was never in love with him, though. I only thought he was good-looking and wanted to get to know him more, but, the more I found out about his personality, the less I liked him. For some time I tried to get an opportunity to talk to him, but it didn’t happened. We would sometimes see each other in recesses and we would greet each other because he knew I was the Italian girl’s friend.

Around this time (August) I started going to nightclubs for the first time. I never really felt any interest for it, but since I now had an Italian friend, and there was the French guy too, I wanted to start go, mostly because I felt curiosity of how they would react to the parties and stuff.

In October I went to the nightclub. My friends were supposed to go too. But they didn’t, I don’t remember exactly why, but they ended up not going. People usually make a party in someone’s house before going to the nightclub, so I went to the party, I knew there would be people from all of the 4th year classes from our school. When I got there, I was alone. There was no one from my class (I think I will call it division from now on, that’s how it’s called in Spanish. There are 7 different divisions for 4th year (16 year old) students) There were only people from other classes. But I found a girl that I knew from previous years and started talking to her. Then my classmates arrived, but they weren’t really the people I talked and, since my friends weren’t going to come, I decided to just stay with this girl.

Then the hour came to go to the nightclub. The girl and I called a taxi, most students went walking (the place was quite far, though, so it was a lot of walking) When we arrived to the nightclub, the girl met with a guy. I understood there that they were going to spend most of the time together. We entered, we were dancing and soon they started hugging and kissing. I felt kind of weird just standing there next to them (I wasn’t used to dancing, so at the time I would mostly just stand) while they were together, so I told the girl I would go buy some drinks. It was just a way of finding something to do and get out of the situation, not because I actually wanted a drink. So I went to the bar and there was a lot of people there, most of them men, so I knew I would have to wait there a lot.

All of the students were supposed to be able to get free drinks until 3 am, so I was expecting to get my drink for free. Then, as I was waiting, some guys started talking to me. It was full of guys, I was probably the only girl in there, so I was started to regret the decision of going to buy the drinks, but I was already there and decided to stay. A guy asked if he could buy a drink for me, I told them no and showed them the seal in my wrist (I’m not sure what’s the correct word for this in English) so he knew I was a student and could get my drinks for free. He went away. I really didn’t want to flirt with anyone, so I was really hoping that no guy would try to buy me a drink again. A lot of time passed, it was almost 3 am and there were still people before me to buy drinks. Then finally it was my turn. I asked the guy for a drink and he told me I could only get the free drinks in the bar that was upstairs. A guy was near me, he started talking to me and he offered to go with me to the bar upstairs. I accepted although I really wasn’t comfortable with the situation.

So we went upstairs but by the time I could ask for the drink, it was already 3 am. It was maybe 3:03 but the barman said no, I had to pay. I was kind of angry at this, how was I supposed to know I could only get the drinks upstairs. The guy used this situation to offer me the drink, and I accepted. I think I paid half the drink, though (I don’’t remember) It was not something I really wanted to do, but I didn’t want to reject the guy. Then he continued talking to me and kissed me. It was my first kiss ever. And, if I have to be honest, it was quite disgusting. I don’t if it is because he was a bad kisser, because I didn’t know how to kiss, because I didn’t like him/didn’t feel anything, but I really disliked the feeling of lip contact. It was nothing like I expected kissing to feel like. We continued talking for some time, but then I guess he got tired of me, said he was going to the bathroom and left. At first, I didn’t know what to expect, if he was actually going to come back or not. I waited for like maybe 20 minutes in the same place and then realized he was not coming back so just went downstairs again. Just to give you an idea, there are different floors in this nightclub and there’s people dancing in all of them, but the ground floor is an open place. There was a lot of people. I went to the ground floor, tried to dance for a while, but I was alone, and then another guy appeared and tried to kiss me. I accepted, and, again, I didn’t like it at all. The guy gave me his phone number but I never texted me. By this time I was already tired of being there, I didn’t like the music, I didn’t like anything at all and didn’t want any guys to keep flirting with me. So I asked my mom to pick me up, and left early. So, as you can see, it was a pretty bad experience.

Around this time I was quite obsessed with reading books, and learning about literary theory and philosophy. I basically transferred my obsession with learning Russian to an obsession with reading. I guess my desire to find someone grew more and more. I started daydreaming about finding a boyfriend, particularly.

2017

In January of 2017 I traveled to Brazil with my family. A part of me wished I would meet someone in that travel. It was another daydream, another fantasy. That didn’t happen. It was a nice trip, but I was getting kind of annoyed of being with my family, constantly having to go where they wanted to go. I really wished I could travel with a person I liked, just me and the guy I liked. I think it may have been around this time also that I started daydreaming frequently about having a family. Like, I imagined traveling with my children and my husband/boyfriend (in the future) And also imagined traveling with a boyfriend in a closer future/present. I felt quite limited, like I couldn’t go to the places I wanted to go.

I remember that, while being in a shopping, I saw they were selling a magazine about philosophy. It was in Portuguese, but I already knew some of the language and, since it’s similar to Spanish, I knew I could read it with the help of a dictionary. This was a time where I was very interested in learning about philosophy, so I really wanted to buy it, but I didn’t know how to tell this to my mom. I felt like my interest for philosophy couldn’t be justified. Of course, she didn’t know I spent a lot of time o the internet searching about philosophy or literature, she didn’t realize I had developed this new interest, except for the fact that I said I wanted to study Literature as a university career. So, I didn’t ask her to buy me the magazine. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to go to see more libraries, but every time was saw one, my mom and the others would say “what’s the point of seeing the books there if they’re all in Portuguese” They didn’t think that, maybe, I wanted to read books in Portuguese.

So during this travel I spent a lot of time parallely imagining in my head what it would have been like if I had travelled alone or with a S.O.

In February, before school started, there was another party in a nightclub. A party that students who had just entered the fifth and last year of high school went to. It’s supposed to be a celebration of the fact that you’re in the last year. I decided to go. But the only reason I wanted to go is because I had this crazy idea, this hope, that I would find the person I was looking for there. I even thought that I could wear a ring, that this would serve as a symbol for the other person to find me. And maybe he would wear one too, and we would find each other. Two people looking for each other. For a moment I believed it could happen. But I went to the nightclub, and it was a disappointment. I didn’t find anyone. Of course, no one was wearing the ring or any other symbol I had expected from the fantasy on my mind. It was dark, but I tried to see if I could recognize someone. How would I recognize him? Because he would also be looking for me. I planned that we would both separate a bit from other people, we would be alone for some minutes, and we would start looking at everyone in the party, and everyone else would be too focused on other things to notice, but we would be looking for each other. And we would recognize each other. That didn’t happen, another disappointment.

I also had the idea that I could maybe find this person in my school library. If we both were on the same school, then maybe we would both go to the library and could find each other there. That also didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because that person doesn’t exist. And I would soon learn that.

It was in 2017, I don’t remember exactly in what month, that I went to one of my friend’s house. Well, it was not actually his house, it was his aunt’s apartment but he was allowed to stay there alone for some time. Something I haven’t mentioned until now, is that my mom is a person that cares a lot about cleanliness. And I’m also this way. We have the custom of taking our shoes off at the door, we don’t wear the same shoes we wear in the street inside the house. And we also don’t have pets inside the house, because they would bring dirt into the house, and would shed hairs on the bed, sofa, etc. That’s how I live and that’s how I want to live always. But that’s very different from what people are used to where I’m from. Most people don’t take their shoes off, they don’t have any problems having their dogs/cats inside the house and sleeping with them.

So I went to the apartment, and this guy (like most people) has very different customs to the ones I grew up with. He took the blanket from his bed and placed on the floor. Then people walked on it with the same shoes they wear on the street. It was a bit disgusting to me to have sit on that (we were about to watch a movie and we were supposed to sit on the blanket) but I decided to ignore it. Then, when the time to sleep came, I was allowed to sleep in the bedroom. The bed was full of dog hair, which I also found uncomfortable. I didn’t want to sleep there, at that moment I wished I could have been at my home sleeping in my room, with my cleaning standards. But I couldn’t mention any of this to them, they wouldn’t understand, they were raised in a different way.

Then, at school, the conditions were really bad. The classrooms are dirty. This is something that has always bothered me, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else. If you take a white paper and rub it on the school benches, it comes out black from all the dirt the benches have. The chairs were also dirty. And people constantly placed their shoes on the chair, which, of course, made them dirtier. I’m probably the only one here who thinks it’s disgusting to place your dirty shoes on the chairs. But no one cares, everyone finds it normal. Then there’s also the problem of trash. People throw trash on the floor and don’t care about it. And the bathrooms are super dirty too.

I hated having to go everyday to such a dirty school. But no one else cared. I knew I was alone on this. And I had to pretend I didn’t notice, I had to pretend it didn’t bother me. The only person that understands what I feel is my mom, because she shares the same opinion, she raised me this way. The schools conditions in this city are terrible, and they will continue to be terrible if people don’t care about it. It’s not only the dirtiness and general bad conditions of the place, the quality of education is really bad, and students often misbehave. I saw classmates break chairs or benches just because they thought it was “fun”.

So all of this was very depressing to me, and I started wishing I could meet someone who had similar opinions to mine, someone I could rant to about the school conditions and that would actually agree with me. I daydreamed that I would find someone, meet someone at school, slowly start talking and realize we both thought the same. I dreamed about having the joy, the surpise, of finding someone similar to me, the feeling of having a “connection” with someone. Never happened. There is no one like me. I was alone. In my school, in my city and, probably, in the world. I could never relate to any of my classmates, to anyone I met. They were all so different to me.

I think it was around this time too, or maybe before, around 2016-early 2017- that I was feeling quite annoyed with my parents. My mom constantly yelled at me and it made me feel angry. For some time I wanted to live alone and become independent from my parents. I wanted to have the freedom of having my own money, being able to buy whatever I wanted, go to wherever I wanted, and not having to hear my parents’ complains. I wanted freedom. 

Things started to get worse and worse for me, the idea of finding someone and having a family on the future, started to become stronger. I even had the idea of going to live somewhere on the countryside, isolated from everyone else, just with my husband and children. My idea of happiness was having a boyfriend that understood me, agreed with me, and raising my children.

In may of 2017 aprox. I started having joint pain. Then I was diagnosed with Lupus and started taking corticosteroids. I never cared about it, and I always thought it wasn’t Lupus because I didn’t have any of the symptoms except joint pain and hair loss. No rashes and it didn’t get worse with the sun. 

On a day of September 2017 I went to a family reunion. I would sometimes daydream, when going to family reunions, that I took my boyfriend with me, I pictured being together with someone. That day my cousin and his girlfriend (they’re together since 2013) were present. I stayed there until late afternoon. Then I went back home. When I got back home, I started crying. That’s when it began. I realized nothing of what I was imagining was real, I was never going to meet that person, that person simply didn’t exist. There was no one for me, there was no one like me.

I tried searching on Facebook. I had once created a fake profile, I tried searching for other profiles similar to the one I had created. I wanted to think that maybe someone went trough similar experiences to mine and had also created an account like that. But had no succes. I tried going to Goodreads and seaching for the people online, but found no one from my city. I tried looking for clues, for signs that there was someone else looking for a person like me, someone who had gone through nearly the same. But no.

I’m an asexual person. I don’t feel sexual attractions towards anyone. I don’t understand the world’s obsession with sex, it’s something that made me feel even more alienated from everyone else. Most people seem to think that a relationship without sex is impossible, I’m tired of constantly hearing people talking about how important and great sex is. So, what are the possibilities of finding someone like that? Someone that also thinks this way but that wants to have a family. Someone that agrees with my views about cleanliness, that accepts living in a house in the same way I want to. The possibilities are really low.

I had believed I would find someone with the same mindset, someone I could feel a connection to, someone that I could trust enought to talk about my daydreams, someone with whom I could rant about the things that bothered and be validated. I dreamed about finding someone who would have (almost) the same opinions as me. What a fool I was.

Everything inside me sort of broke. I was probably never going to find the person, I would have to be forever surrounded by people I can’t relate to. What was the point of living?

 In September I was told by my doctor that I didn’t have Lupus, that it was what they call a “phenomenon”, sort of like an isolated episode. So I stopped taking the medications and I haven’t seen her (the doctor) again. I still occasionally have joint pain but nothing too bad. This was after I had started having the suicidal thoughts. 

When I’m with other people, I can’t help but notice how different our life experiences have been. Most people haven’t spent so much time on the internet. They don’t speak English, and that’s crazy to me, because I feel like it has been such an important part of my life. I’m always searching things in English, I have always resorted to Google to search and find more things about what I was thinking, about my daydreams, investigating about different things. I can’t imagine my life without doing this. And to think only very few people here know or use Reddit; I would constantly get results from Reddit when searching on Google. Not knowing about its existence sounds crazy to me. And yet most people don’t know about it. Most people don’t know about asexuality, daydreaming, and so many other concepts I learned from the internet. But when I see other people, I notice their experience with the internet is very different. They definitely didn’t experience what I did. They don’t understand. It’s not that I think it’s a bad thing that people can’t speak English or don’t know as much of the internet as I do. But it’s something that makes me sad, it makes it harder for me to relate to anyone.

Sometimes I think, how different all of my life would have been if I had met that person in 2016, for example. Everything would have been very different, I probably would have gotten more motivation to study, I would never had gotten into this amount of emotional pain, I wouldn’t even know the horrible feeling of loneliness. And I would be a happy person. But I didn’t get that. Sometimes when I see certain couples I feel a bit jealous, not in a bad sense; I’m happy for them, but I also feel sad that I don’t have that.

I just wanted to meet someone who was “on the same level” as mine. With this I don’t mean to say I’m on a higher level than other people, I’m talking about people who’ve had a similar life experience, someone that knows pretty much the same things I know, because they’ve also spent all that time on the internet, in the same way I did.

So, since September I entered a very bad mood. I became suicidal. Actually, after that day of family reunion where everything started, I stayed really sad for some days and then I recovered for 4 days. Yes, four days in which I thought “I will find that person, I don’t have to focus on that right now” and was feeling ok.

I thought the bad mood had been something temporary, I thought I could recover and feel “normal” again. But, on the fourth day, I woke up in the afternoon after a nap and was feeling a bit down. I went with my mom to a bookshop. I was reading Harry Potter at that moment, and I wanted to buy a Harry Potter coloring book and the 6th book too. I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I thought my mom would ask why am I choosing the 6th one instead of the first, and I would have to explain I read the other books on the internet. And I didn’t like the idea of having to tell her I read books I download from the internet. It means admitting I have access to a lot of information. And, I don’t know, it makes me feel uncomfortable. There were also other books I liked; books about politics. But I felt like I was not allowed to buy those type of books, that I couldn’t justify my interest in them. I felt that my mom would probably say “why do you want to read THAT, what made you get interested in that” I started crying in the shop but I managed to control my tears so that my mom wouldn’t realize. When I got back home I was crying again, feeling suicidal again. And from that moment on, I don’t think I’ve recovered.

Since that moment, I’ve been suffering. There were days in which I cried SO, SO much. There was a period in which I cried almost during the whole day, from morning until the evening. I couldn’t tell anyone about my pain. They wouldn’t understand. If I tell them I feel lonely, they would probably just advice me to meet more people. But they don’t understand; my problem is I can’t find anyone I can relate to, I’m so different from everyone. Now, if I tell people that, they would probably think I’m exaggerating, that I’m trying to make myself look special or something like that. And there are things I couldn’t really say to anyone; there’s no one I trust enought to talk about certain things. My daydreams, for example. My asexuality, too. The cleanliness part (most people wouldn’t understand or would maybe get offended since they do all the things I consider dirty)

During these 3-4 months, I’ve been suicidal most of the time, I’ve suffered so much. I would cry and felt like I needed to scream. I would sort of scream silently, because I can’t let people hearing me screaming. I felt like I just wanted the world to be over, I wanted to never see that school again, I wanted everything to disappear. I was so tired of everything. So tired of the pain. So tired of the bad luck I had had, knowing I hated the world I was in. Almost 4 months of living like this. It feels like it has been more. After the extreme pain started in September, I’m not sure if I can say I’ve been “living”, I feel almost like I’m dead.

 I started visiting subs like /depression or /suicidewatch. However, I could never really find anyone in a similar situation to mine, and that made me feel more alone and alienated. Even among the people who suffer, I was still alone on my suffering, it seemed. I could only relate to some things people posted there (suicidal thoughts and feelings of sadness, not wanting to hurt your parents), but there were so many other things I couldn’t relate to at all. I sometimes see people posting “sad memes” on Facebook. Or the “me_irl” memes on Reddit. Can’t relate to most of them either. Same in Tumblr, if I tried searching “sad”, most of the images/texts are not relatable.

 I mentioned before that at one point I wanted to move out of my parent’s house and become independent. I thought that would make me happy. But then I found out that not even all that freedom would make me happy, it wouldn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness, it wouldn’t eliminate all the pain. It would help maybe, to have more freedom, but not much. 

 They were months of pretending too. The only reason to keep living was my family. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. And, yet, I couldn’t tell my parents about it. I don’t have enough trust. As I said, they don’t know what I do on the internet, I never tell them; they know few things about me, actually. They have their own spiritual beliefs, they believe in reincarnation and that things happen to us because of karma. My dad says that if you fear something, it will manifest in your life. It’s basically The Law of Attraction. They both believe that you can heal illneses by positive thinking and more things like that. I don’t believe in any of that, and I also think the idea of karma and of The Law of Attraction are kind of contradictory, but I never tell them my true opinion because I wouldn’t want to argue with them, and I’m not sure if our relationship would be the same afterwards. I wished they thought differently. It’s not nice having to deal with your family having such differnt beliefs from yours. And I’m pretty sure if I told them I was having suicidal thoughts or told them about my problems they would probably come up with an explanation about how karma affects our life, and that everything happens for a reason. And also my dad looks down on suicidal people. 

When I was at one of my worst moments, I tried imagining having to explain to my mom my pain and my suicidal thoughts. There are so many things I don’t think I could tell her. Me having suicidal thoughts at age 10, the fact that I don’t share the same beliefs at them, all I did on the internet plus the fact that I ended up talking to people online, my asexuality (I’m not sure if she would understand it, maybe she will think it’s not real or that it’s wrong). She would be shocked, and I don’t think I could ever be tell her. Same with my dad, but it’s actually more difficult to me to trust him, I’d rather tell my mom. 

 So I was trapped. I was suffering so much in life that I didn’t want to live anymore, but I also couldn’t die, I couldn’t do that to my family. What if I had to suffer during years without them ever finding out? Even if they did find out, they wouldn’t understand.

I used to think that I could talk about those things I can’t talk with my parents or anyone else (the daydreaming, the asexuality, my beliefs, everything I’m saying here basically) with the person I was looking for. That way I would never need to let my parents know about who I really am.

Sometimes I like to think that maybe in a few years there will be a person  in a similar situation. Now that children grow up getting computers and phones at a such a young age. The chances of someone ending up on a similar situation are higher. Maybe. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe there is someone like me but that hasn’t gotten to the period I’m currently at. They haven’t yet discovered the feeling of loneliness, that’s why they’re not looking for someone else yet. I mean, in 2015 I still wasn’t aware of all of this feeling of loneliness and being different (I actually did feel it but not as strong as I would later on) I hadn’t yet posted any of this on Reddit, Tumblr or whatever, I didn’t look for anyone yet. Maybe there’s someone like that out there. Maybe. But probably not.

Sometimes I look at my (now ex) classmates, I look at all the other students, I look at all the people I know and think “I’m the only person here who’s gone through this, who’s experienced all that, I’m the only one who’s posted on subs /offmychest, /depression. Probably the only person in the whole city who has done this” And I just… I can’t believe it. What kind of horrible gene combination and life situations ended up making me like this? Why. Why did I have to be like this? Why can’t I be just like everybody else? All of them are happy, they like their school, not like me, most people my age just like to go out and drink and be with their friends, and they have no idea of the things I know/I’ve experienced, we’re basically in different worlds.

 What if I actually found that person I was looking for and he/she dies? Wouldn’t I be destroyed, wouldn’t I feel lonely again? Should I really depend on someone else to be happy? But this is just a supposition, because I don’t even know that person. What if I managed to form a family and my children died? What if I died? They would be left without a mom. Life is a cruel thing, full of tragedies. Anything can end at any moment. How am I supposed to look at life as a good thing?

My parents already have their own problems and having their only child die would only make everything worse, I think. I don’t want them to suffer. My mom has frequent headaches and if she gets nervous then she gets physical symptoms. My parents argue with each other every now and then. My mom’s told me if she had enough money she would go live somewhere else away from my dad. But at the same time, I know that when they’re not fighting they do enjoy each other’s company, and I think she would maybe feel lonely if she truly went to live alone. I wished I could have enough money and give it to her so that she can live wherever she wants. But I can’t get a job, I’m pretty sure my parents would 100% prefer for me to study at university than to get a job. And yet I think studying is harder.

So all those thoughts ran through my head on December 26-28. The “why did I have to end up like this”, “why can’t I be like everyone else and make my parents happy”, “There’s no solution for me, I’m trapped” I was trapped because I was dying inside but I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else, there was no solution for me. I imagined trying to tell my cousin about it, also felt like I couldn’t do it. I imagined that, for whatever reason, I died. It made me sad. What would my family feel. I was tired of the feeling of hopelessness, tired of suffering so much, I just wanted it all to end.

 Then on December 30 or 31, I don’t remember exactly, I started feeling I was on a higher mood than usual. I didn’t feel happy, but I was calmer. The intense pain and feeling of hopelessness and despair was gone. I’t’s January 3rd now and I’m still on this mood. It seems like it has been a bit longer. Every day feels like many days for me. I’m so grateful that I have the chance to feel calmer, even if my problems aren’t over. There are still things that bother me and tnat I worry about; the feeling of loneliness and of being different is not gone, it will continue there. And there’s the fact that it’s going to be very difficult to find someone compatible with me if I really want to form a family with someone. I’ll probably be single for a long time, if not single my whole life. Unless I meet someone I actually like and with whom things can work just fine. I don’t know, though. I still worry about all of these things, but at least it now doesn’t affect me much at an emotional level. I really don’t want to ever go back to the pain I felt, to the intense feeling of hopelessness and anguish, to all those hours of crying. I hope I don’t ever come back there. If I can stay in this mood, then maybe I can survive, I can continue with life. But on my previous state it was pure torture, I don’t think I could live like that for too long.

Now I don’t what is going to happen with my life. I feel that I’m living because I don’t want to kill myself. But is there any point in life? Can I ever be truly happy? Well, I should enjoy this moment of emotional peace and try to keep on living and see what happens. A scary thought recently occured to me: maybe I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, maybe I’m unable to have (true) friends or a couple. Maybe I’m just unable to be with people. Maybe I’m unable to truly be happy. Those thoughts threaten to send me into an episode of suffering again, but most of the time I feel calm, luckily. Calm but, also, in a way, lost. What will be of me? What am I doing? I don’t know, I hope the calmness continues, I hope I can feel an even higher mood, of course, I hope everything improves. 

[pokefan531]

Miraculous x Lucky Star Fanfic Part 2

At the afternoon in Paris, Marinette, Alya, Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki are going around Paris. They went to Trocadero first, and saw a big view of the Eiffel Tower. “Wow! So this is where you get your ideas?” Tsukasa asked. “Yeah. I once sketch a hat I made long time ago.” Marinette said. “Cool.” Konata said. They then head to the Eiffel Tower and are at the bottom of it. “I never saw a tower this tall!” Kagami said. “So does this look way similar to the Tokyo Tower?” Alya asked. “Yeah, but much longer.” Miyuki said. “Konata, the sketch artists you asked for, they are at the field very nearby.” Marinette told Konata. “Sure. I bet they have dojin artists here.” Konata said. “I doubt it.” Kagami answered. They went to the area where the artist is held and they meet up with Nathanael. “Hey Nathanael.” Alya greets him. “Hey. I see you two brought more friends.” Nathanael said. “He’s in our class, and draws a lot of sketches.” Marinette tells them. “Cool! Do you do anime art?” Konata asked. “I sketech a lot of art styles all the time. Anime, two point perspective, cel shaded art.” He explains. “Would you mind sketching us as a group?” Tsukasa asked. “Sure.” Nathanael draws them several times in different poses and certain people in the sketches, and he draws them in anime style. “Here you go!” Nathanael hands these out to them. “Thanks!” Kagami said. “Wait until I will show these to Patrica and Hiyori.” Konata said with excitement. “It was great to see you guys!” Nathanael said. “Well, you drawings are fantastic.” Tsukasa complimented. “It’s nice to come across the artist in Paris.” Miyuki said. “Have fun while you stay in Paris.” He said. They went to the middle floor of the Eiffel Tower. “Nice view on the middle floor. Similar to what Tokyo had.” Kagami said. “Yep. Lots of interesting people in this floor.” Tsukasa mentioned. “We usually come here once a week at least.” Marinette said. Next, they went to the top of the Eiffel Tower. “Even taller. Just like I predicted.” Miyuki said. “Oh yeah. Imagine being surrounded here and you see a flying butterfly going crazy on this area.” Konata said. “And five magical girls battles it and the pink one stops it!” Alya said. They are referencing Tokyo Mew Mew. “Let me guess, It’s from an anime.” Kagami guessed. They went to the bottom of the tower and are at the sidewalk. The white limo is by the intersection, and Chloe is inside. She sees them by the sidewalk a bit far. “What are they up to? Why are they hanging out with these losers?” Chloe got a bit frustrated. Later, they are at the mall, and they are at the entrance. “Okay, so what do you girls want to go?” Marinette asked. “I wanted to go to a dress store!” Tsukasa answered. “And the fashion and jewelry stores too.” Miyuki said. “I wanted to see the Manga store where Alya mentioned.” Konata said. “I would like to go with Konata.” Kagami said. “Well, I would take Tsukasa and Miyuki to the fashion area. Alya, you could take them to the store you always go to.” Marinette made a decision. “Okay Marinette. Let’s head to the store, guys!” Alya said. They split up to go to different places. First. Alya came to the Manga stores and Konata got so excited to see all her favorite products in the store. “Wow! Look Kagami! Told you they have stores like these in Paris! French version of Mangas I read, home video sets with French dubs, and contains Japanese audio! Also, the toys and figmas are sold here as well!” Konata said with a very hyper reaction. Konata jumps around and looks at every part of the store. “You know, this is her paradise of her whole life.” Kagami said to Alya. “Exactly, you’re correct. I was sorta like this whenever I meet Ladybug and Cat Noir.” Alya said. Meanwhile on Marinette’s side with Tsukasa and Miyuki, they are looking at hats and accessories. “These will look great on Kagami.” Tsukasa told Marinette about the brade. “And these ear rings will be great for my family.” Miyuki showed the ear rings in the case to Marinette. “Cool! Keep looking around to see what you both like.” Marinette gives suggestions to them. They went to another section in the same store, and they meet up with Rose and Juleka. They were looking at scarfs and shirts. “Hey ladies.” Marinette greets them. “Hey Marinette!” Both Rose and Juleka greets her and her friends. “That’s a nice scarf.” Miyuki complimented the scarfs Rose is holding. “You like these? They are in these baskets.” Rose showed her the basket. “Thanks! I needed one and I also want to have it for my neighbor (Minami).” Miyuki told Rose. “I like the shirts you are holding.” Tsukasa commented to Juleka. “Cool. I found these light ones, and they have some dark ones in this stack.” She shows her the stacks of shirts, and Tsukasa picks one up. “This may match perfectly for my sis.” Tsukasa got excited for the shirt. Later, they meet up once again and talked for a little bit. “You guys got some good stuffs!” Alya compliments on the clothes they have on their bags. “We helped them find good ones.” Rose said. “And Konata, you got bags of toys. They look cute.” Marinette sees Konata holding a bag containing anime merchandise. “They look totally awesome!” Konata said. A few minutes later, Rose and Juleka are singing Levan Polka while Alya plays the song. “Nice singing, girls!” Konata said with passion. “We listen to Japanese music.” Juleka said. “Sometimes we sing together.” Rose said. “Well, we will be heading out. Nice to see you.” Marinette said goodbye as well as her friends to Rose and Juleka. They went to the park and suddenly, Nino shows up. “Hey ladies! I see you brought your guests.” He said. “Oh, they are tourists. We are taking them around Paris, and I know them very well!” Alya explains her friendship of them. “Cool! We have a problem, we needed two teammates for our basketball game against another team from another school.” Nino wants to get teammates he is playing with Kim, Ivan, Alix, Mylene, and Max. “You are looking for a team? Me and my best friend, Kagami can show the other team who’s boss!” Konata wants to join on his team and got excited to play basketball. “I’m with her!” Kagami said. Nino, Konata, and Kagami comes to the courtyard and meets his friends. “You brought these newcomers to our team? Are they ready?” Kim asked, in somewhat challenging way. “You bet we are! Just like my racing records, I can show you guys what we are made out of!” Konata seems to enjoy showing her true self to everyone with excitement. They start playing and when the other team got the ball, Kagami grabs the ball very fast and throws it to Ivan and passes it to Konata. Konata bounces the ball rapidly and jumps and got the ball on the basket. “Yata!” Konata says all right in Japanese. Marinette, Alya, Tsukasa, and Miyuki are watching them play. “These girls are really good at this.” Marinette is surprised about this. Alya is recording the game from her phone while Tsukasa and Miyuki cheers for them. They do some goals as well as their other teammates. On the last part, Kim catches the ball and passes it to Mylene. Konata catches the ball and jumps and strikes the last goal. The whole team cheered for themselves. “That was totally awesome!” Mylene compliments Kagami’s catching skills and Konata’s strikes. “That was good.” Ivan compliments too. “How did you both do that?” Kim asked. “Well, just like a manga character, you got to have good scenes of where it looks like you are gonna make the strike!” Konata explains it like how she did good at the track in one episode from her show. “Yeah, this happens in movies too.” Kagami reminded her. Konata goes around her teammates and ask them questions. Kim and Ivan likes Solid Snake and Goku as their favorite characters, respectively. Mylene likes collecting trading cards, Max likes the Megaman franchise, and Nino’s favorite video game is Jet Set Radio. Konata has talked to Max the most about Megaman and Capcom games. “I wrote the answers down on my list on my phone.” Konata said to Kagami after interviewing them separately. “What about that girl with rollerblades?” Kagami asked, referring to Alix. “I was going to interview her just now.” She replies. Konata walks to Alix and saw her turn her hat back. “So you want to be a Pokemon trainer?” Konata asked. “How did you know I am a Pokemon fan?” Alix asked. “Lucky guess. You are doing it exactly how Ash Ketchum does it.” “You are really psychic. By the way nice game. Maybe I can challenge you two someday.” “We’ll see. We are staying here for a week.” Few moments later, Konata and Kagami sit at the bench, and Nino comes and asks about Adrien. “So where is Adrien?” He asked Alya. “He told us that he was busy for photoshoots and modeling.” Alya said. “That’s our Adrien.” Marinette said. “Well, good luck with your tourists. Enjoy your day.” Nino says goodbye to all of them and left. It went from just going dusk to being night, and they are at the restaurant at Le Grand Paris. All six of them are eating together. “Wow! They taste very great. I love trying out French food.” Tsukasa said. “I always like trying out the special bread.” Miyuki said. “Good. I know you four would like the food here.” Marinette said. “This soup taste so wonderful!” Kagami said, trying out the soup that was added from Kung Food, Marinette’s uncle. “My uncle came here for the contest and he won so his soup came to the special menu.” Marinette explained. “Nice! Do they have Chocolate Cornets here?” Konata asked Alya. “Well, it isn’t in the menu here, but I got special something for you all.” Alya got a surprise for them, especially Konata. Few Minutes later, Alya’s Mom, Marlena, one of the chefs of Le Grand Paris, came with six Chocolate Cornets. “Got desserts for all of you.” Marlena hands out the Chocolate Cornets to all of them and then left. “Wow! Did you tell her to make these?” Konata asked and got excited about it. “I knew you wanted them and I texted her to make some for us when we arrive here.” Alya explained about the surprise. “The chocolate and the bread taste so good” Marinette took a bite of it. “They taste almost like the ones I eat back at home, but a bit more professional.” Konata said with happiness. “Amazing! Thanks!” Tsukasa ate it all. Meanwhile, somewhere in the same floor, Chloe and Sabrina were hiding at the ledge and spy on them. “What are they eating? It looks disgusting.” Chloe got disgusted by the appearance of the Cornets. “It’s Chocolate Cornets.” Sabrina told Chloe what it is. “I heard of that. Why are four of them spending time with two losers from our class? It’s like, um, stealing my special guests away from me.” “What did they steal from you?” “They probably know how to make special sushi and may make it for them instead of me, and they are famous based on what you told me. You better be right about this!” Chloe said while pointing at Sabrina. “I am.” At the table, Tsukasa and Miyuki got excited when Alya told them the big news. “My mom is willing to teach any tourist any recipe. I asked her and she said it’s fine. You can start getting her here in the morning.” Alya told them. “Neat. I am decent at cooking, but maybe I can learn from a more experienced chef.” Miyuki said, wanting to learn more about cooking. “It will be fun baking French breads and foods!” Tsukasa seems to enjoy it when she hears this. “Cool!” Alya replied to both of them. “Tsukasa loves to think about the breads.” Kagami said. “And me and Kagami are going to another manga store that Alya told me about.” Konata talked to Marinette. “Neat! I remember watching these cartoons growing up, like Doraemon. Also, I am good at fighting games that I played with my dad growing up.” Marinette explains about the fighting game she plays from The Gamer episode. “So gaming is your hidden talent?” Konata asked. “Not actually. It’s not my main hobby, but I see Alya play it sometimes.” “Cool. Tomorrow, be prepared to play with me.” Konata seems to be excited. After that dinner, they were near the elevator and they went to the main floor and say goodbye. “See you guys tomorrow. I can’t wait to spend time with you all!” Alya said. “Same here!” Konata said. After that, they went to the third floor and heads to their room, but they encounter Chloe and Sabrina. “Ohh, hello. I should’ve recognized you earlier. You are from the show…” Chloe talks and tries to remember the show. “Lucky Star!” Sabrina reminds her. “Yeah! She told me about you four. How was your day? My day was like, Awesome!” Chloe tries to get their attention. “You just want our attention right?” Kagami said. “What do you want from us?” Konata said. “Well, me and Sabrina want to ask why you guys spend time with that Marinette girl?” Chloe asked. “They showed us a lot of places in Paris.” Tsukasa said. “You girls should’ve asked me. I am a rich girl who has a limo.” “You have a limo?” Miyuki asked. “We heard that you treat our Parisians friends bad and stories about you.” Kagami said. “Let’s go girls.” Konata said, and they went to their room. “Well if you guys need me, we live in a same floor!” Chloe said it out loud. Konata then comes out, dressing as Poyon from Sgt. Keroro. “What is that?” Chloe asked. “She is cosplaying.” Sabrina said. “How dare you two don’t have helmets! You know aliens can come and suck your heads. They can appear if the evil guy gets the chance!” Konata tries to scare them while pointing her laser prop to them. “Eww! Sabrina, let’s go. We seen enough for today!” Chloe got disgusted and they both left. Konata laughs a lot. Later, Konata was on her laptop, talking to Ms. Karoi while playing games online. “Everything went very good like expected.” Konata tells her about the whole day with Marinette and Alya. “Cool! We missed you guys when we last saw you in the airport.” Ms. Karoi said. “And I send all the videos we recorded and forward it to everyone.” “Nice. I better watch those after I’m done with the games.” “Ok. Say, what time is it in Japan?” “Well, I got up before Dawn because it was hard to sleep.” “You woke up that time? I never knew you wake up that early!” Konata got surprised that the teacher woke up way early just to play. After that, Konata checks all the channels and saw Sailor Moon Crystal. “The show is there, just like Alya said.” She checks the SAP audio option to see if they have Japanese. “Neat. It has both French and Japanese on the same broadcast. I seen English dubs before and they can sound interesting, depends if they are not 4kids, who destroys the reputation of my favorite shows.” “I see your point. At least they are done for a long time.” Kagami said. “Yep.” They went to the balcony and look at the Eiffel Tower. “I wonder who is under the mask of Ladybug and Cat Noir.” Konata said. “Me to. It’s pretty hard to guess since they are superheroes. I don’t know much about them, but just like the magical girl or superhero animes we watch, it’s a mystery.” Kagami said. “Good point. We should rest. We have another day to spend with those two.” Konata is getting ready to go to sleep. “Yep. We can explore more places tomorrow.” Kagami left the balcony too. They all went to sleep. The next day, Konata and Kagami went to the first floor to wait for Marinette and Alya. They came and talks to each other. “How’s your morning?” Alya asked. “Great. The hotel has this good breakfast.” Kagami said. “Awesome. Shall we go to the other manga store where I brought my volume few days ago?” Alya asked Konata. “Yes!” Konata answered excitedly. They left the entrance of the hotel and saw Adrien nearby. “Hello! How are all of you doing?” He asked. “Ah-hhhh. It’s going great! Thanks Adrien.” Marinette said. “Well, I came to see if you two would spend time with these tourists and I would like to join.” Adrien wanted to join with them. “Cool! That will be awesome.” Marinette said excitedly. “We are gonna stop by the manga shop.” Konata said. “Cool. Let’s get going, shall we.” He said. They all went to the manga shop and look around. “This is what I got earlier this week.” Alya showed a copy of the manga she already brought, to Konata. “Cool. So it finally came here. It came out in Japan a year ago. It’s in my shelf back at home.” Konata said. Kagami starts to ask Marinette and Adrien. “So what is the series you both grow up as a child?” “Doraemon” They both answered to her at the same time. After that, they are walking to Marinette’s house. Chloe is on the white limo and sees them walking. “Wait! They are still hanging out with them? Adrien should’ve spend time with me, not with Marinette Dupain-Chang.” She calls Sabrina and she is at the hotel. “Chloe?” Sabrina answered “I want you to do a favor.” “What is it?” “Konata and Kagami are spending time with the losers still. I found out that Konata is not my type of idol. You were right about her being popular, but ONLY ON THE INTERNET! She’s a geek which is gross to me. The rest better be as normal people as I hope.” “They are. What is the favor you want me to do about it?” “I heard Tsukasa and Miyuki are working with my personal chef, and you better mess with one of Konata’s meal.” “How?” “Figure something out. I’ll be arranging lunch time with them, and I will talk to Konata and show her the piece of my mind for hanging out with the losers!” Chloe hangs up the phone and her limo starts driving when the green light is lit. At Marinette’s living room, she, Alya, Adrien, Konata, and Kagami are playing the fighting game and take turns. They face each other by two players and four players. Alya, Marinette, and Adrien are good at it, Kagami is decent at playing it, and Konata plays the best. They play for thirty minutes and they all enjoy playing. “Wow! I didn’t know you have mad skills, Konata.” Marinette said. “Yeah. You are looking at the pro here!” Konata said and enjoys her line. “Way more professional than us.” Adrien said. “Totally. It still seems fun to battle against you though.” Alya said. “She’s been playing these games since childbirth.” Kagami said. “Correct. Based on the score, I top while Kagami is the last place, the fifth.” Konata looks at her scoreboard on her phone. “Yeah, yeah, don’t rub it in. I can never match with someone who spends so much time playing these games.” Kagami seemed a little stressed. After that, they went outside the bakery door. “Tsukasa texted us that our meal will be ready in the hotel once me and Kagami go there.” Konata reads the text. “Cool! We will see you two later.” Adrien said. “They have our lunch arranged at a table with your mother.” Kagami said, according to her text from Tsukasa. “Nice! Tell us how it went.” Alya said. “We will!” Konata said and they left. “Well, I gotta go back home and update my ladyblog home page.” Alya said to both Marinette and Adrien, and she left, knowing she would leave Adrien and Marinette alone. “It’s nice spending time with new people. I know them from the manga my dad brought me.” Adrien said. “Well, Alya is the one who told me about them and we met them at the hotel entrance yesterday, and she introduced me to them.” Marinette explained to Adrien about yesterday. “Cool. We have fun with each other for a few hours. I better head home and have arranged dinner with my dad.” “Okay, cool. Have fun!” Adrien went to his special ride and left, and Marinette just stands and watches the car go. Tikki comes out. “Wow. You are lucky that he joined you guys.” Tikki said. “Yeah. I hope we meet up like this more often.” “I believe you two will.” Marinette went inside her home and at the hotel, Sabrina went to the kitchen and sees Miyuki and Tsukasa cooking with the chef. Miyuki accidentally spilled the pepperments on the floor. “I am sorry! I didn’t mean to do that. I didn’t see where I was going.” She said. “Don’t worry. It happens.” Marlena said. “I’ll get the broom to clean this up from the floor.” Miyuki then tries to find the broom in the closet. Marlena went outside the kitchen. Sabrina went and looks for the onion cup from the tray. She got it and smells it. “Uncook and it has water inside. It won’t taste that good.” She said. She then looks at the other side of the kitchen and sees eight trays laying on the counter for the arranged lunch. She saw Konata’s food there with the label and she pours the liquid in the rice and then she tries to leave. Tsukasa was at the door when she opened and got frightened. “Ahh. Umm, Tsukasa.” Sabrina said. “What are you doing with that cup of raw onions with liquid in it?” She asked. “Well, I wanted to grab a piece and make sure what it smells like.” Sabrina lies. “It does stink, right?” Tsukasa asked. “Yes. You can put this back for me, I gotta go meet up with Chloe right now.” Sabrina said while giving the cup to her and quickly left. Tsukasa got all confused, but she returns the cup and Miyuki finished cleaning and she was looking down the whole time and Marlena came back. “We are ready to get those foods to a room. We have a private lunch room for seven of us.” Marlena said. “Cool. It’s just four and you. Who else?” Miyuki asked. Tsukasa looks at the trays and sees names at each dish. “Sabrina and Chloe’s food is there.” Tsukasa said. “They called me to make food for them, and I made my own.” Marlena said. “And we cooked the foods together for me, Miyuki and our other two friends.” Tsukasa said. “Well, they are gonna like the recipes I taught you.” Marlena assumes Konata and Kagami will like it. “Wait, are we having a dinner for them?” Miyuki asked. “Yeah. Chloe called and wanted to have dinner with you four along with me and Sabrina.” She answered Miyuki. “But didn’t our new friends say that she is rude?” Tsukasa asked Miyuki. “Oh no. Let’s hope there isn’t any trouble.” Miyuki answered. They both went to the the private eating room, where stars and celebrities eat. They meet up with Chloe and Sabrina in the room and Marlena put all the foods on the table. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I will check the dessert.” Marlena said and left the room. “So where are your other friends?” Chloe asked. “Well, I texted them where are we eating.” Tsukasa said. “Good. She wants to speak to Konata.” Sabrina said. “Sabrina, Konata’s food, right?” Chloe asked her if she did mess with her food. “Just like you said.” She answered. Konata and Kagami came in and sees Chloe and Sabrina. “Umm guys, what is this?” Kagami asked. “The chef told us that we have an arranged lunch with them.” Miyuki answered. “It turns out that Chloe has arranged it for us.” Tsukasa said. “Is she gonna bite?” Konata asked. “Don’t worry. I’m doing this arrangement as a favor to you all. Sit down.” Chloe said and they all sit. “Konata, I heard you and your friends spend time with Marinette and today, you and your friend spend time with her again.” Chloe said and acts like she’s wondering. “They were showing us places around Paris, and they are kind.” Konata answered. “And why are you so against them?” Kagami asked. “She’s no friend of mine. She hasn’t made this reservation, hasn’t she?” Chloe asked. “It’s fine if she or her friends haven’t. Kagami, I think she’s acting like that character I saw from the manga few months ago. She’s is rich and bratty just like her.” Konata said. “Well, I am not bratty. You are right about me being rich. My dad is the mayor of Paris.” Chloe said. “Yeah, we heard.” Kagami said. Konata starts eating the rice and she spit it out because of the awful taste. “Gross! This taste like liquids of bad raw onions in the rice.” Konata got disgusted. “I thought it tasted the same. We made sure we never mess up with the ingredients.” Miyuki said, being aware of it. “I saw Sabrina holding a cup of raw onions earlier when I came back to the Kitchen right before we set off the foods here.” Tsukasa mentions about it. Chloe looks at Sabrina with anger. “You didn’t tell me that you got caught?” Chloe asked in a frustrated voice. “But they didn’t know about this.” Sabrina answered with a bit of a frighten mood. “Sorry guys” She tries to apologize. “Ohh, you’re useless!” Chloe yelled at her. “I know you two are up to something.” Kagami said, being suspicious. “I guess Marinette and Alya was right about you.” Konata said. “Why ya going out with those two losers? Oh wait, you are the loser! Oh gosh, if only you know it yourself.” Chloe starts teasing her. “You got a problem? I don’t know why you invited us here.” Kagami said, getting angry. “I wasn’t talking to you. I just need to have a speak with Konata.” Chloe said. “Don’t let her get to you. I am just gonna eat the meat.” Konata said to Kagami. “We found out that you were never popular like a pop star, only on the internet.” Chloe said. “What an attitude.” Kagami said in her mind. “And by the way, you do dorky stuff like reading those comic and books no one reads. Who reads tthese? Chloe starts to tease Konata. Konata looks at her. "What did you say?” Konata starts to get angry with her. “Your hobbies are totally lame. As if, your Emay, or Anay, or whatever type of show you watch…” Chloe tries to look for a word. “It’s anime!” Konata answered. “Oh, whatever. The ones you watch don’t interested me, and they are garbage!” Chloe starts to have fun teasing her. “For your information, the shows I watch have stories and interesting characters in it, unlike you!” Konata yelled. “Well, no wonder why you are such dorky. That’s why you are not a pop star or a model” Chloe said. “Can we have a nice lunch break?” Miyuki said, while they still go on. “Find someone else to tease with!” Kagami starts to defend Konata. “I can prove you are way wrong! I cosplay all the time and people like me! So stop it!” Konata yells again. “Oh yeah, I forgot. Speaking of cosplay, I hate it! Why can’t you guys be normal like everyone else instead of dressing as a fake character! Stop acting like a character and be like normal people!” Chloe actually has fun teasing Konata. Konata got very mad and slams her hands down to the table and stands up. “ARE YOU GIVING US A NEGATIVE STEREOTYPE OF MY HOBBIES?!!!” Konata yells at her so hard. “Umm, you guys want to have ratatouille?” Tsukasa asked everyone. “You are trying to be a loser. I am being honest. I seen cosplayers look like dorks and unattractive! It’s pointless! Ha!” Chloe continues to tease Konata. “YOU ARE SO WRONG! I CAN’T STAND YOU BEHAVING THIS WAY ON MY OWN HOBBIES! YOU WILL REGRET IT!” Konata yells at her. “I would like to see you try. Last thing, I never liked Chocolate Cornets. They look disgusting and looks like a shell with a waste inside.” Chloe said. “How dare you question the chocolate cornets!” Konata said in her mind. “OKAY! YOU HAD ENOUGH! IF YOU ARE GONNA BE THE HATER OF MY HOBBIES AND PASSION, THEN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE FACTS OF MY OWN HOBBIES!” Konata yells at her. “I don’t need to. Since you are throwing your tantrum, I’m gonna ask you to leave our reservation before I call my daddy to kick you out from our hotel and live in a street!” Chloe gets defensive since she is getting annoyed at her tantrums. “Look who’s talking! You’re the one misbehaving!” Kagami yelled at Chloe. Konata gets up and takes her plate and goes near the door. “USING ABUSE OF POWER IS SELFISH, AMD I NEVER MET A HATER IN MY LIFE!” Konata yells, with a tear drop, and then leaves. “Hey, what’s the big deal! I never seen her that angry before. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” Kagami yells at her too. “You want to join with her? Okay then, get out!” Chloe tells Kagami to leave as well. “Fine! They were right about you. I will miss the desserts then.” She left. Tsukasa and Miyuki give a stare at Chloe. “You know that isn’t really nice.” Miyuki said. “Well, that’s the point. I said that stuff just to teach her lesson for hanging with Marinette again, and unpopular one too.” Chloe said. “What have I done?” Sabrina said. “You done nothing wrong. It was a bad mixing. that’s it.” Chloe said. She doesn’t seem to mind if Sabrina has similar interests that Konata have in a way, being a bit hypocritical. Marlena comes in and saw empty seats for Konata and Kagami. “What happened to them?” She said. “They got important stuff to do, so it will just be the five of us now.” Chloe said. “I see. I just brought desserts for you guys.” At the hotel room where Konata is at, she sees Kagami coming in, and Konata is still frustrated. “Hey Konata.” Kagami said. “You left too?” Konata said in a depressing manner. “I tried to stick up to you. Boy, I never seen you on fire like that in my whole life.” Kagami felt sorry for her. “Well, I am trying to forget what she said. This is the worst lunch break I ever had.” Konata said in a frustrating way. “Good luck” Kagami said. Konata tries to read her manga and tries to forget all the words Chloe said to her. At Hawkmoth’s lair, the window is opening with him looking at it along with the butterflies foying around him. “Aww yes. Being frustrated with someone who destroys your passionate hobbies by words. It’s painful. Maybe this will lend you a hand.” Hawkmoth said and has a butterfly on his hands and covers it and turns it into an Akuma and starts flying away as he let go. “Fly away my evil Akuma, and evilize her!” He shouted. The akuma is flying away from the lair. Ten minutes later, Tsukasa and Miyuki came to the hotel room with package for Konata and Kagami, containing the foods and desserts. “We brought you two the food package.” Tsukasa said. “They taste good.” Miyuki said. “How was lunch?” Kagami asked. “Besides the yelling you three had, it was pretty normal.” Miyuki said. “Konata is still frustrated, isn’t she?” Tsukasa said while looking at Konata who is trying to forget about Chloe while reading her manga. “What did that girl do when we left?” Kagami asked. “Just a few questions about Japan. That was it.” Miyuki said. “Maybe if you look at the Eiffel Tower at the balcony, you can calm yourself down.” Tsukasa said to Konata. “Thanks, but I don’t feel like it.” She answered. Tsukasa opened the window and went inside the balcony and left the door open. The Akuma went inside and it is heading to Konata. She sees it and tries to blow it away by waving her manga a little bit, but it hit her manga and it became purple. Konata is getting akumatized and have a butterfly signal at her face while looking up, starting communications with Hawkmoth. “Hello Konata, I am Hawkmoth. I have been looking for someone like you who have a powerful mind. I will grant your powers and you can change to anything you like and take control of it.” He then shows a illusion of the Miraculouses of Ladybug and Cat Noir between him. “For a favor, I want you to get the Miraculouses from Ladybug and Cat Noir.” He asked. “My pleasure!” Konata accepts the deal with Hawkmoth. The butterfly signal disappeared, and all the purple floods are surrounding her and she turned into a cosplay of a witch from the Lucky Star OVA with her holding her manga that has more page compressed with more magical elements inside it. “I shall be known as the Legendary Cosplayer!” Konata gives out her new name and then gives a glare to the screen. To be continued on the next chapter…

[andrea-odown]

Keep on Singing - Chapter 6

A Sing (2016)-fanfic.

Read it on FF.Net and AO3.

Description: A few months have passed since the grand re-opening of the Moon Theater. All in all everything seems to be fine. But under the surface, everyone has to deal with some problems. Ash is facing writer’s block with her new album, Rosita is enjoying her new life as a famous singer, but has less and less time for her family, Mike is still hiding from some angry bears, Meena may has overcome her insecurity when it comes to singing, but interviews are still a challenge for her, and Johnny wants to turn the garage he and his father used to live in into a youth center. And Buster has to keep the theater running while keeping Ms. Crawly from driving the new secretary crazy and writing a new play.

Chapter 6: Mike

“Babe, I’m home!” Mike calls out as soon as he enters the apartment. He’s been too lazy to use the door for mice he had let put into the regular door, so one of his bodyguards unlocked the door for him and let him in.

It’s better that way anyway. Always stay as close to the bodyguards as possible. Better not to take a risk. Those grizzly bears sure aren’t some to forget that he cheated them out of this rather small amount of money.

Of course, he could pay them back now, but something tells him that they wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily now. They want revenge, not just money.

So, yes, bodyguards it is.

Nancy walks out of the living room, wearing some plain black dress, but still looking so stunning, Mike wants to pinch himself. He is one lucky mouse after all. Well, not considering some vengeful grizzly bears. Or the fact that he has bodyguards around him all day. Or that he had to share his apartment with said bodyguards which is the reason why he had to buy a normal-sized apartment. Not that he really likes those mouse-apartments. He sure prefers the “bigger is better”-philosophy. But actually having to share his apartment with bodyguards isn’t something he likes at all.

And neither does Nancy.

He can see in the way she sets her jaw what’s coming next.

“Hey, guys,” he says to his bodyguards. “I think I don’t need you right now. You can go to your rooms.”

Yes, his bodyguards have their own rooms. He made sure that they can stay in the front part of the apartment why he and Nancy can occupy the rest of the apartment.

They could spend days here without coming even close to his bodyguards, but still, Nancy doesn’t like it.

His bodyguards nod and walk away. Nancy watches them leave with an annoyed look on her face, and Mike feels the urge to sigh, but he suppresses it.

Instead, he walks over to Nancy, offering her his arm - which she ignores. Not a good sign.

She just turns around and walks into the living room.

Mike follows her, his shoulders hanging.

In the middle of the room Nancy turns around abruptly which makes him skitter to a halt.

“So you finally decided to show up,” she says, her voice so cold it sends a shiver down his spine.

“Babe, I had work to do,” he replies. “Those pop-up concerts, they don’t pop up just like that. I know that’s what they are called, but there’s a lot of preparation going on beforehand.”

“And yet I was stuck here all day,” she says, “because you don’t want me to go outside on my own.”

“It’s just to protect you! Those grizzly bears, you know what they are capable of! I mean, without you, I would be bear food by now. I don’t want anything happen to you!”

“And still, I was stuck here all day.” She twists her mouth. “And yes, I saved you, did I not? Doesn’t this prove that I can take care of myself?”

“You surprised them!”

“And who says I can’t do it again?”

“Probability theory,” he replies. “They now know that they have to look out for you, too. Besides, who says they want a little revenge for what you did, too?”

“I am a big girl, Mike,” she insists. “I can take care of myself.”

“Not against three grizzly bears!”

“Listen, Mike,” she says. “I don’t want to have to stay at home all day, just because you leave with your bodyguards. This isn’t me! I am      not    a housewife!”

“Oh, so that’s the problem?” He almost laughs out in relief. “I can get you your own bodyguard, don’t you worry. Then you can go out whenever you want. No problem, really.”

“Don’t you dare!”

Mike’s eyes widen in surprise. “But I thought you don’t want to stay at home all day?”

“I don’t,” she confirms. “But don’t you dare to bring one more of these bozos into our home! The ones you have are already too much to take!”

“What about an on call-bodyguard then? When you want to go out you give them a call and …”

“Mike!”

“Yes?” His voice sounds a bit higher than usual because he’s slightly scared. Her face looks so damn serious. He has never seen her like this before. Is she going to break with him? But he loves her! And he knows she loves him, too. Heck, how many girls would drive through the city just to save him from some grizzly bears? That’s why it is so important to him to keep her safe. He owes her his life.

Suddenly she sighs and all the tension melts away from her body.

“Mike, this isn’t what I wanted.” He’s by her side as soon as he sees the tears glistening in her eyes and takes her into his arms.

“I know, babe,” he says as she cries into his chest.

“I just wanted us to have a nice life together,” she goes on, and Mike has to smile a little at the fact that a nice life for Nancy means expensive restaurants and clubs and flowers and jewelry, preferably on a daily basis. But this is Nancy, and if this is what she wants, he’d do anything he can to give it to her.

When she has calmed down a bit, he lets go of her, puts a hand under her chin and forces her to look at him.

Damn, even with mascara smudged all over her face, she’s still the most beautiful girl he has ever set eyes on.

“Look, these bears, they are going to give up one day,” he says, and he sounds so sure it surprises him. If he learned one thing over these past couple of months, it’s that grizzly bears seem to be more resentful than any other animals he has ever met or heard of. But that’s not the point. He needs to make Nancy feel better, so what’s a little lie compared to a happy girlfriend?

“And when this happens,” he continues, “we can have this nice life you long for so eagerly, okay?”

Nancy nods her little head.

“Good,” Mike says as he wraps an arm around her shoulders and leads her over to the couch. “In the meantime, let’s order some food from your favorite restaurant, and tomorrow, I’ll take you on a little shopping tour. What do you say?”

“Are you going to let them shut the shops down for anyone, but us again? I really liked that.”

“Sure thing!” Mike assures her, and he has no idea why, but he knows that she’s smiling now.

Mission “Happy Girlfriend” accomplished, he thinks.

And so he smiles, too.