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princessofprocrastination · 3 years ago

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Neglected (Dream)

MASTERLIST

summary : it had became a habit that you’d show up at his house, but as time goes by, your efforts go to waste (angst) (fluff)

it didn’t matter if you were pretty busy or exhausted that day, you’d still show up at your boyfriend’s house no matter what.

it used to be a ‘sometimes, only if you weren’t busy’ thing, just coming to make sure he has eaten, checking on sapnap as well and hanging out with them. but as the clock ticks, and your relationship prolonged, you seemed to always be at his house.

sapnap never thought you were a bother. yeah, you asked. you didn’t want any of the two to feel uncomfortable at the fact that you were there often. but, sapnap reassured you that the both of them loved you being there.

and also because you cooked for them all the time.

being done with school for a while, you started working and starting your career, making you extremely busy, just like the two boys. sometimes, you don’t even show up until late.

not that they were sleeping anyways. those two seemed to stay up late all the time.

you enjoyed making food for them, trying new recipes, sending their plate of food to their rooms as they stream or are in a discord call with their friends. it made you happy seeing their eyes light up from seeing a hot and steaming plate of food delivered to them.

especially if it was homecooked. yum.

but, as months go by, you start to notice a barrier between you and your boyfriend. now, you weren’t going to lie and say the both of you had been together for a long time, being long time partners, but you thought the honeymoon phase was going to last a little while longer.

of course, you tried asking sapnap about it, texting him from time to time, making sure he didn’t get upset over a game or an argument online.

nevertheless, sapnap himself didn’t know what was going on with his bestfriend. he thought dream was just doing fine, not knowing you felt that way.

you told him not to worry about it, let alone talk to dream about it. you didn’t want it to be a big deal.

it wasn’t a big deal anyways, you just noticed the change of atmosphere.

you still came over everyday, though. making food, making sure to make extra for leftovers just in case they woke up and got hungry and you weren’t there to make food.

though it had become a routine at this point, the only person who seemed to appreciate it was sapnap. your boyfriend, however, seemed cold.

“hey, i have food” you walked in the room after knocking at your boyfriend’s door. you had sent the other plate to sapnap’s just minutes ago.

he barely gave you a glance, just only clicking the mute button after hearing you come in. that was how you knew he heard you.

you set down the plate on his desk, where you had always made sure to clear out for him to eat while on his pc. you set down a cup right next to the plate with his drink, full.

after which, you sat down on his bed, like you usually would to do some catching up on your laptop. usually it would be work since that was the only time you had during the day to finish it.

a couple hours later you finished you work and decided it was time to watch a couple youtube videos to reward yourself after a long day.

you made sure you had on your airpods before watching anything so that it didn’t disrupt dream working.

as you were watching the new mrbeast video, the one where he runs from a bounty hunter, you start to catch a cold.

not thinking of it, a small sneeze came out of you. and then another one came right after that.

it was the type of sneeze that irritated the back of your throat, which usually meant that there was more sneezes to come and you were sure that you were falling ill.

your eyes closed, as you tried to recover from your sneezes. you heard clicking from your boyfriend’s side. as you opened your eyes, you weren’t expecting him to be staring at you.

thinking he was going to say ‘bless you’, you gave him a small smile. that was until he shouted at you.

“can you shut up, karl’s entire stream literally heard you.” he raised his voice at you. you froze.

sure, you’ve heard him scream from time to time, being mad or frustrated on his game but never to you. he had always seemed so kind and sweet to you.

“fuck, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to.” you apologised. you genuinely didn’t mean for anyone to hear you, not especially if it was obvious to people that someone was accompanying dream in his room.

“just get out before you make another noise.” he reprimanded you.

you stared at his figure as he went back to his game before picking up your laptop and leaving the room.

you sat on the couch in his living room, trying to process what had just happened in that room.

you calmed yourself before you started crying. you were expecting the day to end well, with you cuddling your boyfriend at the end of the night.

things don’t usually go your way, do they?

you were thinking of leaving. it was getting late, anyway. but you hadn’t cooked the next meal for the boys.

so you did just that. you cooked a simple meal, putting it on the counter, leaving a note to tell them to put the plate into the microwave before eating.

and off you go, back to your house.

you weren’t offended, you’d say. you were sure he was mad at a game before getting off on you. you didn’t take any of his screaming to heart.

what sucked at that moment was that you got a fever on top of your cold and no one to cuddle you.

you didn’t get sick often, but when you did, you always had dream there for you.

what you did have this time was sapnap texting you, thanking you for the food that you left on the table.

the next day came and lucky you, it had been a weekend, and you planned to stay home all day, trying to fight off this stupid cold.

you got on your phone to order food for the boys, trying to make sure they had food today. though it’s only the afternoon and they’ve probably just woken up, you wanted them to wake up to food waiting.

after you ordered some mcdonalds for them, making sure to text sapnap about it. shockingly enough, he was awake and already showered. he thanked you for the food but questioned when you were going to come, noticing that there was only two meals.

sick, can’t get out of bed. you texted him.

what have you done today? he asked.

showered, and then back to bed. you told him truthfully.

eat and then take your meds. he advised you. you told him you’d do it later when you have the energy to. he didn’t try to go against you knowing how damn stubborn you are.

also, he knew that you needed the extra rest and getting up while you’re still tired may result you to get into an accident or faint.

so, he trusted you to remember to eat your medicine later.

dream honestly didn’t bother asking why you were missing from his house that day. sure, he did notice, since the one who always giving him food while working had been you, and you didn’t do that.

at some point during the day, dream became exhausted, or hungry, but was frustrated that he had no longer you to rely on for energy that day.

that day wasn’t the only day you were absent from his house, it dragged out to days.

the weird thing was, he didn’t get a single text from you all week, and that made his question if you were okay or not.

“dude, get out of your cave and let’s watch a movie.” sapnap came in dream’s room in attempt to get him to accompany him in watching a movie with him in the living room.

after some time, dream gave in and turned off his pc, finally getting up to stretch and leave his room.

“there’s food for you on the table.” sapnap told dream. it must’ve been you who ordered it. but to be honest, he was missing the home cooked meals you always made for him.

so he asked sapnap where you had been all week.

“you’re not serious, are you?” sapnap asked dream. dream gave him a confused look back.

“it took you this long to ask?” sapnap ranted about you being sick all week and not allowing him to visit in case you accidentally gave him the illness.

he ranted about the fact dream didn’t bother to ask until now, when he selfishly said he missed your cooking, like you weren’t good for anything else but to feed him like a parent would.

sure, sapnap and him had been friends for years, but that didn’t excuse him for being an idiot and making stupid decisions, especially about you. and for what? your sneezed being too distracting for the man.

“fuck.” dream said.

“yeah, fuck.” sapnap spat out, out of breath from ranting and not stopping to pull a breath.

dream and him sat in silence, the weird kind of silence. the one where it’s obvious they were thinking of what to do next.

sapnap sighed. “dude, seriously? go.” he told dream to go to your house to take care of you.

dream ran to his room, grabbing his keys, wallet and phone and went straight to his car to drive to your place.

on the way, he grabbed some of your favourite comfort food and flowers. he needed to make it up to you.

he seriously got mad at you for sneezing? what a fucker.

he opened your door with the spare key you gave him, making sure he was quiet so he didn’t disrupt you if you were sleeping on the couch like you tend to do.

he say the top of your head poking out slightly from the side of the couch. you were laying down on it, snuggled in one of your favourite blankets, watching tv.

“hey.” he slowly said, walking slowly to you, not really wanting to do anything abruptly in case you were mad.

he saw your head move to tilt towards the voice. obviously you knew who was in your living room at the moment, you just weren’t expecting him to bring stuff.

you sat up on the couch, bringing the blanket with you, making sure you were fully covered, not in the mood for the cold air to hit your feet.

“i come bearing gifts.” dream said.

“i see that.” you told him. why was he stating the obvious?

“look, i know this doesn’t make up for basically neglecting yo- no, not basically, totally neglecting you, but i thought this was a good way to start?” dream.

you sat and stared at him for a while, thinking about what to do.

who were you kidding, you were soft for him. he could literally break your bones and you’d forgive him, especially when he came with flowers.

“you know flowers are my weak spot.” you pouted at him, after a while of silence.

dream sighs in relief. “and that’s exactly why i bought them.” he said before bring you in for a hug.

you pushed him away, telling him that you still had a fever and you didn’t want it to go to him.

“if i do get it, then you’ll have to take care of me next time. for now, i’m taking care of you.” he told you, giving you a kiss on the forehead.

“tell me what you want, i’ll do anything for you.” he told you. you smiled at him before hugging him close to you, pulling him into a comfortable position to continue watching the show you had on your tv.

#dream fanfiction #dream imagine #dream fanfic #dream imagines #dream x reader #dreamwastaken imagines #dreamwastaken x reader #dream

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giuliafc · 3 years ago

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Never Give up!

Written by: JuliaFC

Beta: @rose-beagle-bagel (I beg your pardon, got the names confused!)

Summary: After Gabriel lowers his bar by locking Adrien up in his room unless he relinquishes his ring (because apparently, 'it interferes with his work'), Chat Noir can see only one solution. But Ladybug doesn't agree.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by (c) Thomas Astruc, TS1 Bouygues, Disney Channel, Zagtoon, Toei Animation. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Written for the "Snippet July" challenge of the Miraculous Fanworks Discord server @miraculousfanworks AND for LadyNoir July @ladynoirjuly Day 8 — Tyranny/Admiration. Let me know what you think!

oOoOoOoOoOo

Adrien knocked at the door of his father's atélier and waited for him to tell him to come in.

"Adrien," commanded Gabriel. Adrien gulped and stood there.

"You wanted to speak with me, father?" he asked, his heart drumming in his ears.

Gabriel gave him a cold stare. "It has come to my attention that you wear items of clothing that haven't been agreed in the exclusivity contract of the Agreste brand."

"What?" Adrien had to check that he'd heard correctly. "Father, I only wear the clothes you provide for me."

Gabriel's gaze hardened. "Show me your hands."

Adrien gasped. "Is it about my ring?"

"François complained after yesterday's photoshoot. He told you to take the ring off because it was interfering with the outfit, and you refused. Is this true?"

"I-it is." Adrien gulped. Gabriel’s gaze punctured his soul and the boy put his left hand on top of his right one, as if to protect his Miraculous from his father's attention.

"Hand over the ring."

Adrien's face paled "No! No, father, why? You can't—"

"I can and I will, Adrien. Your attachment to that junk has affected your work. It's stated clearly in your contract that all you wear must be pre-approved. I won't give you my approval for something that can damage your image."

"Father!" retorted Adrien, his body tense. "It's only a ring!"

"Go back to your chamber. I'll cancel your enrollment at school; from tomorrow you shall resume your homeschooling lessons with Nathalie." Gabriel sneered when Adrien gasped. "You won't be allowed to see any of your friends nor to set foot out of this house until you relinquish that ring."

Adrien's eyes widened in shock and his mouth hung open. "You can't be serious, father? Containing me in my room, for a ring?"

"If it was only that, you would've relinquished it here and now. Evidently, it's not 'only a ring' to you. You're refusing a direct order. I won't repeat myself, go to your chamber."

Adrien balled both hands into fists, his arms shaking, his eyes looking down. "I can't believe this," he muttered. He got up and, glaring at his father with tears in his eyes, dragged himself out of his office.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Chat heard the soft thump behind him and saw Ladybug sitting graciously next to him. His gaze scanned gloomily the city of Love beneath them. A view that until now, had been for him and his Lady, only. A look that he would never see again. His heart sank when his gaze met bluebells. It was the only way.

"You said that it was important, Chaton?" said Ladybug, but she immediately noticed his heavy gloom. "What's wrong?"

"I… need to give my Miraculous back." Ladybug sucked her breath in. "I'm sorry."

She put a hand on his shoulder. " W-what's going on?"

He lowered his gaze as his hand played with the Miraculous on his ring finger. "My life at home isn't easy, Buginette. I have a lot of restrictions and up to now, I have been able to pencil time for our patrols and escape timely enough to help you in the akuma fights." He sighed. "But things have changed today. My fath-uh-family is very controlling. I can’t do anything that isn't 'pre-approved'." He paused. "Today, I've been asked to relinquish my ring. I've been literally locked up in my own house with no possibility of getting out until I do it."

He found his eyes looking at Ladybug; all he saw was disbelief in her face.

"I never knew that your civilian life was so difficult, Chaton. I can't believe that someone you call 'family' would forbid you from wearing a ring. Can you not just put it on a chain to your neck?"

Chat Noir sighed. "No, M’lady. They would see the chain and ask me to remove it. By contract I'm not allowed to wear anything that is not branded Ag—uh, family brand. Until today, the rule never bothered me; now… it bit me in the back."

"I cannot believe that a family member could be such a tyrant!" Ladybug's voice was high and cracking and Chat Noir's green eyes were on the brink of tears. He explained to Ladybug the truth of his situation, trying to avoid any detail that would give his identity away. He explained how his mother died a year ago, how his father hardened since her death, how he sometimes didn't even have time to breathe with all the commitments his family was pushing on him.

"Woah," muttered Ladybug absent-mindedly. "You're always so cheerful, Minou. I would never have thought you were going through such-such hell." Her eyes were burning with anger. "I don't know how you do it. Honestly, I admire you, Chaton. It sounds as if you had your hands full, but you were never late for a patrol and you always arrived as soon as possible during akuma attacks. You must have the best organisational skills in the world."

Chat Noir smiled. "Thank you, Buginette. Your admiration means the world to me." His smile faltered. "How do you want to do it? Should I take you to my room and detransform?"

She grabbed his hands and looked up at him with a frown of pure determination. "No way, Chaton. You're not giving up on the only freedom you have. I'm not doing this without you either." Her voice cracked. "It's you and me against the world, remember? Ladybug and Chat Noir. If you're giving up yours, I'll be giving up mine. Together or nothing." She smiled softly as she said that and he smiled shyly back. "We will find a way," she continued. "But first, c'me here." She opened her arms wide and Chat Noir's eyes filled with tears as he let her wrap him into a hug.

Yes, she was right. They would find a way. They were an unstoppable team and there was nothing on this planet that they couldn't overcome together.

---------------------------

Author's Note

Hi there! Here we are with day 8. I know… but with a prompt like 'tyranny' all I could think of was angst. Hope I managed to save it at the end with a little fluff. I hope you like it and will leave me a comment. You know that comments are my bread and butter!

Until (hopefully) tomorrow, bug out!

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous #miraculous les aventures de ladybug et chat noir #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrienette #chat noir #adrinette #ladybug #ladynoir july #ladynoir #miraculous fanworks #ladynoirjuly2021

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littlebigafterdark · 4 years ago

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patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

#papa patton #asthma attack tw #do not reblog #little big after dark concepts

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daxieoclock · 4 years ago

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ok shay you dont understand i was literally scrambling through our messages on discord to find a dissidia link and now i cant pick between the kairi reunion with sora and the namixi bed sharing scene so you gotta pick for me

jdhfbghjgb Enu you absolute sweetheart thank you for the ask

they’re both kinda short scenes though sooooo por que no los dos djhfgbjh

Kairi reunion scene is in chapter 10 and the Namixi scene is in chapter 14

She'd only been there twice before, both times after Xehanort's defeat, but Kairi instantly recognized Terra, Aqua and Ventus's home: the quintuple towers and golden chains of the Land of Departure.

I don’t remember if I ever articulated what both of those times were in my head, but it’s a HC that just felt right hehe.

And there, sitting on the bottom steps leading up to the front door, was Sora.

He hopped up as soon as he saw her, that stupid grin all over his face, and then Kairi's eyes blurred over and her feet pounding against the stone courtyard.

"It's so good–" he said, and she cut him off by punching him as hard as she possibly could in the shoulder. "OW!"

Kairi’s anger, frustration and just general emotion is something I had a lot of fun exploring in DKH, and something I definitely want to do more of if I ever return to KH writing (still undecided on that). As much as I love the comedy beat of the pissed-off reunion, it’s an honest feeling I think, to be both overjoyed and infuriated by someone at the same time. And it definitely fits my interpretation of where Kairi – who has been incessantly damseled, left behind and sacrificed-for – is at this moment in her arc. Furious and bitter and just wanting to drag her dumbass bffs/bfs to safety whether they like it or not.

"It's so good–" he said, and she cut him off by punching him as hard as she possibly could in the shoulder. "OW!"

"You absolute, goddamn, stupid idiot!" Kairi shrieked. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? How worried Riku was?"

For whatever reason this makes me think of the very beginning of the story, with Riku lying awake thinking of Sora. Like...yeah. Yeah he was. And on that note, as much as I missed Sora’s presence in the story, I absolutely loved the chance to expand on Riku and Kairi’s friendship/relationship (it’s complicated; when is it ever not?) without him there. I wanted to emphasize both how much they care about each other, and how much Sora’s absence is felt nearly constantly.

"Probably," Sora said, sheepish, massaging his shoulder.

"We had to try and explain to your parents how you....you vanished into thin air, but how it's actually completely okay because you did it to save my life!"

I don’t know that I’ll ever focus too much on any of the KH characters’ biological families, but I think the Destiny trio are the closest to actually Having Any Sort Of Bond with their parents. We’ve got a vague idea of Kairi’s home life – adopted daughter of the mayor, and I’ve extrapolated her dad is kind of absent – but none of Riku’s and only the fact that Sora has a mom. But the idea of Kairi and Riku returning to the island alone, having to break the news to Sora’s parents, just stuck in my head when I was writing this.

She didn't know who embraced who first. But she was in his arms then, and he was in hers, and she squeezed him so close, so goddamn tightly.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Just hold me," she said. "Just shut up and hold me."

I think this is just a sweet moment tbh djhfgbj.

"Your hair looks longer," Kairi said, finally. They were sitting on the steps together. Her eyes had cleared, but she wasn't ready to leave this moment. "And you're missing a button on your jacket."

"Oh." Sora ran a hand through his hair in that absentminded way that he did. He laughed. "I hadn't noticed."

Liar. She knew him well enough to know when he was putting on a front, and he definitely was now. But she wasn't much better, she had refused to point out the bags under his eyes, the greyish pallor of his tan skin, the way his blue eyes seemed darker than she remembered. She couldn't speak those details, as if silence would make them go away, as if she could will away the scuff from his shoes and the dullness from the little metal crown that hung around his neck. He reminded her of how Aqua had looked after they'd rescued her, so relieved but yet so exhausted. It was the impact of that much time spent alone, that much time spent wandering, spent lost and far away from the ones you love. Kairi's grip on Sora's hand tightened.

I will never forgive Nomura’s cowardice to not show the physical, kinda traumatizing toll that years of isolation in the RoD took on Aqua. 0.8 delved into it slightly, but only in the most surface-level way. And judging by what we’ve seen from Re:Mind and MoM, the same sort of surface-level emotion is going to be applied to Sora’s ‘death’ as well. He’s almost definitely going to come out of a YEAR of complete isolation being just as chipper and bright-eyed as he’s always been, and that is something I wanted to rectify here.

I love the KH cast and I love seeing them challenged, and love watching them grow. There’s not quite enough Sora in DKH to grasp the full extent of how he’s changed after his ‘death,’ but I’d like to think we do see that he HAS changed. It’s something I touched on more directly during Riku’s reunion with Sora, but it’s present here as well.

"So, who's your friend?" He motioned with his head towards the Spirit-Namine, who sat patiently on her haunches.

"Sora, it's me," she said with a little laugh. "It's Namine."

"Oh." Sora stared at the Spirit-Namine for a moment, the gears straining in his head, and then he looked over his shoulder up the stairs, then back at her with a confused expression on his face. "Wait, weren't you sleeping inside? Why are you here and a cat? How are you here and a cat?"

But of course, even after that sort of trauma, Sora is still Sora. He’s still a goober and a softie, and I didn’t want to abandon those traits for the sake of angst.

Sora had never been very comfortable with silence, she noticed him starting to shift and adjust next to her.

ADHD Sora rights.

Kairi kept catching herself holding her breath, waiting for him to vanish or the floor to give way or her alarm to wake her up. Waiting for something to drag him away again.

He looked over his shoulder at her and smiled. "I'm not going anywhere, you know," he said.

Kairi spluttered. "What...who...shut up!" She stared at the ground, cheeks flushed, unable to acknowledge out loud that he'd read her so well.

I haven’t decided if Sora’s surprising emotional perceptiveness is a new aspect of his character or something he’s always had that hasn’t been highlighted well, but it’s definitely an interpretation of him I enjoy. Like, yeah, he’s impulsive and inattentive and kind of rude on occasion, but he’s also showed some moments of being able to read people with shocking accuracy. I think that’s a skill some Keyblade wielders have, a sort of magical hyper-empathy, and Sora definitely has it in spades without even trying.

And briefly before we go into Namixi (and speaking OF Namixi)

Xion glanced at Sora and Kairi from the middle chair and threw up a peace sign. "Hey, what's up?" Her outfit had also changed a lot since Kairi saw her last, she had on a pair of loose black cargo shorts and a pullover hoodie, her black hair swept to one side and tucked behind her right ear. Honestly, she looked a lot happier, a lot freer.

Butch Xion is absolutely the hill I will die on this gal is 100% loves girls and presenting in nonconforming ways.

Namine, laying against Xion, her eyes closed and her expression peaceful.

Xion looked down at Namine as she noticed Kairi's stare. "Oh, yeah, I'm uh...keeping her safe? Cause she can't move when doing her spell, and uh, probably more comfortable than laying on this ground or something right?" She forced a laugh. "Yeah."

Namine, who absolutely has ulterior motives: “I’m going to be unconscious while using this spell and I’d rather not wake up sore, so maybe you could hold me while I’m using it? I’d make me feel safer too.”

Xion, who is gay as shit and forgot about the fact this castle has beds in it: “Yes absolutely I will totally hold you for as long as you need Namine wow yes that sounds great I’m on board heck yeah.”

*************

And with that introduction let’s hop right into the dedicated Namixi scene shall we.

Namine heard her door open, then close. She didn't move, just kept staring straight ahead, lying on her side in the bed, her heart beating staccato on the inside of her chest. A quiet bump of collision in the dark.

"Ow!" Xion muttered. "Stupid bed."

No good confession scene is complete with at least a couple comedy beats.

Her eyes probably had to adjust to the dark still, which Namine was thankful for, considering the fact she was probably blushing up a storm at the moment. "Are you okay?" She sounded so concerned, oh light.

Gentlebutch Xion strikes again. I refuse to see her as anything but very polite towards pretty gals (and Namine is very pretty gal in her humble opinion).

"I'm fine," Namine said, quickly. "I just...." She reached out to take Xion's hand, but hesitated, and just let her own fall back onto the mattress. "Wanted to see you, I guess."

"Oh," Xion said. Relief. Namine started when she felt Xion's fingers brushing against her hand. "Shit, sorry, sorry."

"No, no." Namine laughed, and took Xion's hand. "Thank you. This is really nice."

The eternal sapphic dance of being terrified of overstepping and desperate to express your affection at the same time. Also I have said it before and I will say it again: The Gay Gals Love Hands. Idk what it is but sapphic attraction is like 75% hand-holding it’s ridiculous.

Xion opened her eyes again, those gorgeous purple eyes.

Changing characters’ eye color is sort of a running theme in my fics I suppose, though it doesn’t ALWAYS come up. Xion’s purple eyes is something I saw once and got stuck in my brain forever. I have no idea who came up with it or why it’s something that apparently a decent chunk of Xion fans hc for her, but it sure is what we’ve decided on haha.

Three words. That's it. So easy, just three words. Just say it. Say it. "When you found out Sora was here, and decided to go after him." Coward.

Namine, like most of the female cast of KH, has basically no outwards emotion and very little development. For whatever reason, I’ve fixated on an interpretation of her as someone who expresses her emotions in unconventional ways, spends a lot of time overthinking things, protects herself by exaggerating her personality around others while also being terrified of hurting people the way she was forced to hurt Sora. It’s sort of funny to see a very similar personality come up around my interpretations of Haru Okumura in Deja Vu, but Namine definitely expresses her post-trauma identity a lot softer, less formal but still so very careful.

Anyway that’s a lot of words to say that she self-loathes and picks her words incredibly carefully and that contrasts really interestingly with the more impulsive, emotion-driven Xion. They’re a good fit for each other C:

"You can get under the covers too, if you like."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable."

Please stop being a gentlewoman and take the hint. "I want you to," Namine said. Was that too firm? Too bossy?

"Oh!" Xion smiled, and threw the comforter over herself in an instant. Guess it was fine.

More of that aforementioned dynamic.

"This is very good. I'm happy."

"I'm glad," Xion said. "I...like making you happy."

Namine had to inhale deeply at that. It wasn't easy to confess when the girl kept taking her breath away.

I really like the idea in general that it takes so long for Namine to tell Xion how she feels because Xion just keeps doing really sweet things or being kind of romantic but not really making the space for that confession, and Namine just gets flustered and puts it off.

Three words. Just three. Just say them. Namine took a deep breath. "I, uh. I..." She felt a sob welling up in her throat. Light, why was this so difficult, why couldn't she just tell Xion–

Her lips were on hers. Namine couldn't breathe, could barely think for the screaming of her heart in her ears. Xion broke the kiss, looking so very embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean–"

Namine reached up and pressed a finger to Xion's lips, cutting her off before she could apologize any more. "Um," she said, "kiss me again?"

And Xion nodded, and Namine let her finger fall, let Xion lean in and kiss her again. And she squeezed her hand so tightly and kissed her back.

So not really a confession but Xion DID get the hint. Once more: Xion’s impulsiveness makes things both very difficult and much easier for Namine. And I think I like the fact that she ends up deciding to just go along with that impulsiveness, just let go of her plan and kiss the gal she’s been pining for, and stop beating herself up about the words she can’t say yet. It’s sweet hehe.

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astrologysvt · 5 years ago

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Chart First Impressions: Joshua

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! Check out my masterlist to see all the readings I’ve done so far and what I’ve got coming up! 💫

This is just a very general reading of the member’s charts — the parts that popped out to me, things I personally liked, things I thought were interesting or contrary to the image I have of them. I’m not looking at anything in particular with each reading. Some of their readings may be more aspect focused, where some may just focus solely on their personal planets and their signs. If you have any questions on specific aspects or want to request a more specific reading, feel free to send me an ask!

damn, that moon.

that moon is roooough.

lmao, this moon is a lot to unpack so it’s gonna take up this entire reading i’m sorry

with such an earthy and logical chart, it’s almost a good thing for him to have such an afflicted moon because otherwise the emotional and feeling part of himself would never be challenged or explored (unless imposed onto him externally)

but based on his chart, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s had a hard time understanding himself emotionally.

also considering that capricorns have a rep for being prone to difficulties with processing emotions healthily and consistently, I’m sure this is an area he has struggled with in some way shape or form.

or, if anything, an area in his life he has often had to take into extra account.

with so many hard aspects, confronting this part of his life is almost unavoidable if not the epicenter of his own personal development.

anyway, his moon square mercury & moon square uranus are constantly making him doubt his emotions. Not only does he struggle to understand them, but there is an inherent distrust of his emotions that he may struggle to overcome.

there is a constant questioning on whether to trust the mind or the heart.

inversely, his moon TRINE jupiter gives him a super bleeding and generous heart while his moon square neptune also makes him incredibly perceptive, sensitive, and intuitive.

moon in hard aspect to neptune not only heightens the intensity of his emotional responses, but he may experience a sense of delusion. He may struggle to understand what he’s feeling vs. what is actually happening. furthering this sense of emotional distrust within him.

additionally, he reacts intensely and notices so much, but his first reaction may be to invalidate.

his mind can’t trust his own intuition, while his intuition is skeptical of his mind’s pure logics.

his moon is square venus which would make it hard for him to understand how to express his affection, as well as figure out how to get his need for affection met.

this can manifest for a lot of people very differently.

sometimes that’d mean they seldom express affection as there simply isn’t a path for these feelings to be released.

with joshua, he may still express affection, it may just be a bit awkward, random, or forced sometimes. mainly because, again, it doesn’t just flow through him like it does for others and he may struggle in identifying when it’s needed.

other more emotionally intuitive members like wonwoo and dk may find themselves moving to comfort without even realizing, simply because they’re so in tune with the others they are just drawn to where their attention is needed.

more logical and practical members like joshua are still capable of offering this comfort, it just goes through a much more intellect driven filter. “is that person acting weird? why would they be upset? does that make sense? what could have happened? should i leave them alone? should i comfort them? hmmmm maybe I should ask. maybe i’m making it all up.”

and for joshua in particular, learning how to shorten that process is a mixture of getting to know the people he loves and studying their habits, as well as learning to trust his gut more and more.

his moon square venus also creates a conflict between his own emotional needs, and the needs of others. this can make him a people pleaser, a yes-man, a serial romantic.

he may struggle to identify when a situation is no longer serving him and when to step away.

in different stages of his life he may struggle to leave or move on from relationships, and on the other side of the spectrum he may find himself being that “serial romantic.” this can greatly depend on how his other aspects manifest.

his taurus moon square capricorn mars also heightens his emotional responses and could potentially lead to boiling/explosive anger.

this would simultaneously trigger his softer, sensitive, nurturing parts of himself that would hate those reactions while further fueling his self-distrust.

we can also look at this in the more literal aspects of these planets.

his desire to act (mars) is fighting for dominance with his emotions (moon), which can very unevenly distribute the emotionally-charged and turbulent energies that can arise in moments of discord.

both his moon and mars are in earth signs which can mean he experiences long periods where he is totally fine and very reasonable. they’re both very stable, down-to-earth, and mellow signs and can often find areas of understanding and agreement with each other even though they’re in this hard aspect.

a taurus moon seeks comfort and familiarity which keeps his cap mars in a easy place where it isn’t challenged very often.

the issue is, is that taurus can be much more easily provoked than a cap mars can. a cap mars can be cool and collected, even in moments of anger where as a taurus moon can 100% blow up if pushed too far, made too uncomfortable, or are challenged too much.

where taurus may decide “that’s enough i’ve had it” a capricorn may simply file it away to be attended to later and more strategically.

and with that, his cap mars HATES being at his taurus moon’s mercy when provoked. this is something that his cap influence would be very frustrated with as he’d much more comfortably depend on his own internal stability than external forces while his taurus moon can’t help but feel flustered by certain things.

this is why the members consider him a TERRIFYING person to see angry.

he is so calm and collected for so long thanks to both of these signs, but this aspect creates a tension where his capricorn mars tries to censor his taurus moon and which further activates his taurus moon’s super indignant and headstrong attitude/frustration.

and once his cap mars decides he’s had enough i can see it playing out in one of two ways.

1) he’s trigger happy, super frustrated and cannot hide it. either he becomes visually upset or he starts getting short with people over the smallest things

2) he continues to boil until one person steps out of line, and from there you get a perfectly compiled list of reasons why you shouldn’t have done that specific thing and also what everyone else is doing wrong.

but to put it simply, i watched a lot of joshua angry videos and compilations and i didn’t see even a hint of ACTUAL joshua anger (at least what i’d expect from his chart)

he’s super controlled with it on the day to day and is incredibly composed, which is why he is such a scary guy if you piss him off. it’s so unexpected and sooooooo much more deeper and intense than you ever could have predicted.

this can tend to be a very discouraging habit for him as he has two parts of his personality that intrinsically HATE when he has outbursts or even feeeeels anger to that degree.

one being his earth and cap influences that hate the feeling of losing control.

and two being his softer aspects i mentioned before like his moon trine jupiter and moon square neptune.

because he has this super soft and empathetic side to him, he probably feels immense guilt in the aftermath of his outbursts and can create this series of events where he finally gets these things off his chest, and then immediately backs away from them because, once the negative feelings have been released, his resolve dramatically lessens.

not only that, but his judgement on when and when not to act is inhibited due to this moon square mars so he may end up getting mad at the wrong people at the wrong time.

and the unfortunate thing about all of this is that joshua really doesn’t have a clear path of expression in his chart when it comes to the more turbulent and moody aspects of our personalities thanks to this afflicted moon.

these emotions boil inside of him, both good and bad, and they go every which way to try and find some kind of release.

often times, especially when he was younger, he may have found that he wasn’t comfortable expressing them in any specific way so eventually they’d just explode one way or another.

this may have made him appear much more unpredictable, impulsive, and hot-headed than he actually inherently is.

so if you had told me he had a rebellious streak as a kid i’d totally believe you.

often times earth signs with this kind of energy end up doing some stupid things as kids simply to exert control over themselves to counterbalance the instability they may be experiencing internally.

if you know someone similar who has mellowed out over the years, that’s because they had gotten to know themselves and found different ways of expressing their emotions and exerting control.

but this is were i really really gotta put a huge disclaimer because i don’t know joshua, i can only look at his mannerisms, the things he says, and generally just try and read his energy through videos and how he acts in a group.

i think these are fun things to consider but i would never treat this reading as fact unless he were to, for some wild reason, validate it.

but lets wrap this up because this is getting long.

the funny thing with moon placements is they all kind of hint towards a strong influence on the part of a mother or a nurturing “motherly” figure in general.

the nature of the influence can be determined based on if the relationship with this mother-figure is either good, bad, or absent (though we know it’s not absent and is pretty clearly a positive influence for him).

if it’s bad, he may resent this part of himself that’s so hyper aware of his emotional shortcomings.

if it’s good, then these aspects are far easier to deal with and — in certain situations — can be entirely nulled.

but most importantly, if neither of those, he’d at least be able to find value in them.

obviously these things are more nuanced than that, but these are some of the few ways you can interpret such a strong emphasis on the moon.

so many hard aspects in his moon have activated and created awareness of himself that may have remained dormant and unexplored.

i’m only using depression as an analogy (I don’t know joshua’s life) but it’s very similar to explaining your depression to someone who has had similar experiences before vs someone who hasn’t.

sure, someone who hasn’t can understand the gist but they wont understand the severity and they wont understand the nuance.

thanks to Joshua’s afflicted moon, after a lot of growth and time, he will inherently be able to understand the nuance of other people’s emotions as well as his own.

#seventeen #svt #joshua hong #hong jisoo #joshua #lmao i promise there are more uplifting joshua readings to come #that moon was just so wild tho it had to take a whole post

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hcrofraid · 5 years ago

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Rules:

HALLO THERE! Here’s my rules! They’re a bit long, but hopefully you can push through ‘em and we can get a chance at interaction!

1. Themes might vary with this blog. Although I’m typically SFW, I might touch upon dark topics here and there.

Things will be tagged! I’ll try my best, anyways. If you want something in particular tagged, please let me know. The format I use for tagging is, for example, tw: swearing.

I don’t have any triggers but I do ask you tag all of your NSFW content.

That said, I won’t do anything NSFW - gore is okay, though.

I’m of age.

2. I‘m a little selective, but otherwise - I’m open to canon, au, crossover, and original characters! As long as their muns rp literately/write para.

If it’s a crossover, I have to know the fandom and be at least a little bit confident with it. This is so I’m able to work with you, our thread and have muse for it.

Absolutely no godmodding. It ain’t fun, fam. If you’re not sure what this term means, do look it up. This includes powerplaying, metagaming, and other things of that nature. This applies especially in fights if they happen (I’m chance-based and hope that you are too).

I can be picky with OCs. But rest assured, if you’ve followed me/interacted with my promo, I’ll always give your pages a read.

Please don’t be offended if I don’t want to interact with you (and please don’t try to guilt me into doing so!).

As for following back, I usually take a week tops to do so - but if you’ve hit up my promo, I go through that eventually.

As I’ve said, I’m selective and as a result mutuals do take priority - but I don’t have to be following you for you to interact with me. It just means I’m more likely to interact with you if you’re a mutual.

3. Please don’t rush me for starters or responses.

PLEASE understand that I have blogs galore and my muse tends to fluctuate; this can mean I’m everywhere at once and can end up neglecting a blog or two. It’s nothing personal; you know how muses are! Additionally, life happens to be a thing.

Please note the mun deals with anxiety and depression - this might affect how frequently she roleplays.

Chances are, I’ve probably has seen that bit of interactivity and just haven’t gotten around to responding yet.

My roleplaying style being para/multi-para, I may take a while to respond. I hoard drafts like a dragon - it’s really just the motivation to write and ship those out.

Just a reminder I hoard all your asks too, even weeks later. If I don’t respond to it, I’m either keeping it for a rainy day, or just can’t find the muse/interest for it currently. If it’s been a month or two though, just assume it wasn’t working for me unless I’ve informed you otherwise.

4. Shippings? Heck yeah I’m down for the fluffy content, as long as they’re of similar age to my boio.

If I don’t happen to be interested, don’t force anything on my character.

I do not ship incestuous ships. Do NOT follow/interact if you do.

Sontails will not be happening on this blog either, sorry.

The ship has to have chemistry; I’m generally shipping trash, but if they don’t click, they don’t click, sorry.

This is a multi-ship blog, meaning there will be more than one ship without them conflicting with eachother.

If you want to ship and I already have a ship of your choosing going with a duplicate, please don’t hesitate to hmu! My ships aren’t exclusive and each character/relationship portrayal is unique to me!

Relationships are eternal until you deem otherwise.

5. Whilst I am of age, I’m not aiming for sexual content on this blog (and will not be dealing with fetishes). That stuff makes me uncomfortable, and I typically don’t recommend pulling it with my character if you’re interacting with me. Nonetheless, should it arise, I will tag it appropriately. Also, Tails is a child. So no.

6. About reblogs…

I am not a meme source, and reblogs clog up my activity. Please reblog any memes you find on this blog from their SOURCE. The exception to this rule is if there is no source; go ahead.

I don’t feel comfortable with Personals reblogging my IC or OOC posts, so please don’t do that. If I put something in the fandom tags for whatever reason (bar promos), you’re free to, though.

Please don’t reblog my art unless I’ve drawn it specifically for you or said you can. I either have that as do not reblog for a reason, or I am planning to post it on my art blog at some point.

A few times is fine, as it happens, but repeatedly breaking these rules will result in me soft blocking you.

I try to participate in reblog karma as much as I can, but always reblog from the source/a meme source.

If a post or ask is for you, you’re free to reblog it to save it though - but only if you’re an rp blog!

7. I’m a para / multi-para blog, novella if I’m adventurous and have time. Whilst I may roleplay crack threads with shorter responses, this does not apply to all threads I write. This means:

I write my replies as detailed as I can muster.

Short responses (such as one-liners) in more serious threads where I’ve written a decent deal can instantly kill my muse for that thread.

Whilst I’d prefer for partners to at least somewhat match my length, it’s entirely up to you - just try your best and make sure you give me enough to work with. ♡

If my muse happens to go nuts out of nowhere - like, overboard - don’t stress too much about matching them.

If para roleplays aren’t your alley, I’m unlikely to roleplay with you. It’s nothing personal; it’s just finding muse for one-liner threads is incredibly difficult unless it’s dash shenanigans. Anything else outside that is fine, though - we can still have fun outside of proper threads.

If you need further context on the AU, the link to it’s tag is here! Otherwise just ask me!

Tails’ AU is one I’m very proud of and very attached to, so please don’t force your headcanons about him on me. If you’re unsure how certain events play out in the context of his universe, don’t hesitate to ask me about them!

That said, anything that might take place on this blog obviously isn’t canon to the AU itself; I just like writing for this boio and it helps me develop his character. It’s all hypothetical.

Additionally! Don’t worry too much if the headcanoned relationships between Tails and other muses don’t match yours. Those are mostly just guidelines for how Tails would USUALLY interact with your muse. I’m open to altering these relationships to better fit our threads! Don’t ever feel restricted to what I put down; it’s mostly just for context purposes because, well, Tails is absent. I’m an IM away for plotting.

8. Threads typically happen naturally with me, but if you’re looking for interaction opportunities:

I’ll have a permanent starter call somewhere for you to hit up; honestly though, if you’re a mutual? Pls feel free to hit it up.

Starter memes are the BEST way to interact me because they just yeet a prompt at my face and really help me write starters. If you see me reblog one, send one!

If there’s a verse you’re interested in, please specify.

If you want to turn an ask into a thread, go ahead!

I may not roleplay with every starter I am given - I’ll do a ‘background check’ if you’re a new blog on the block. If I don’t feel your writing style/length works with mine, I might not respond. Apologies. ;__;

Please don’t write para / novella starters up for me unless we’ve discussed something, sent something, or I’ve liked a starter call. I really don’t want to leave people hanging if I’m not interested.

IMs are open to mutuals, if you want to do any in-depth plotting.

I also have Discord! If you’re mutuals with me, feel free to ask for it!

9. Guidelines on mains and relationships:

If we’re mutuals and we interact a lot, you’re welcome to ask me if I’d like to be your main!

Please note that MAINS fall into two categories; one pertaining to Tails’ initial universe, and those pertaining to alternates. Although the latter is plenty, for clarity’s sake, there would be one alternate Tails might default to.

Please don’t be offended if I deny, though; I typically want to pick those I trust to be my mains as well as people I can comfortably write with.

Not limited to them! I roleplay with duplicates galore so don’t be afraid to hit me up if you want to interact!

Pre-established relationships are a-okay in my book; if you have an idea for a relationship between our muses we can work towards, hit me up! I reblog those pre-established relationship memes every so often too. Romantic relationships link back to the shipping guidelines.

Also, friendship/family/rivalry relationships are EXTREMELY valid to me. GIMME’ ALL THE PRECIOUS BONDING CONTENT PLS. THIS BOY NEEDS FRIENDS.

10. If you have any issues, please let me know and hopefully we can resolve it!

Mun is actually super nice, so don’t be afraid to hit her up!

I am absolutely terrible with IMs and sometimes even Discord. I either respond quickly or days later, depends on my mood. Social anxiety tends to interfere with this - but honestly, if you’ve sent something, I’ve likely read it and just haven’t gotten around to it yet! It’s nothing personal; trust me! I just need a social breather every now and again.

Please leave me out of drama; I’m here to have a good time, as is everyone else, and it pains me to see people arguing.

11. It’s easier with a clean dash for me, so I’m more likely to follow people who:

Trim their posts.

Have rules and about pages! I always read those before interacting or following!

If you don’t have either of those, I’m likely not to follow you - so make sure that you do!

12. On threads…

If you’re not interested in a thread anymore, and would like to drop it, please let me know! I’d feel terrible if we’re both not having fun with it or if partners feel overwhelmed with the amount of threads we have.

Honestly, unless I let you know, our threads have no expiry date - so no need to worry about me dropping them without telling you. I can just be quite slow sometimes.

13. Mun does not equal muse! Anything Tails might say does not reflect on how I think unless I explicitly say so.

14. Know that if I follow you, I WANT to interact with you.

I literally couldn’t care less about follower counts. I care about YOU guys and our interactions.

15. If you’re OKAY with threads being set in Tails’ universe (and acting as his inverse counterparts), please like / reply to this post! It just lets me know I’m A-OK to shoot you asks pertaining to it, rather than the usual alternate shenanigans.

16. These rules may be subject to change.

Please like this post if you’ve read the rules! You don’t have to, but it’s of personal reassurance to me if you have.

#|| rules.

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kachinnate · 5 years ago

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as you all know, the only venting i ever post on here is reblogged subtle depression feels *sparkle emoji* or an explosion of all the shit that’s happened to me like every three months because i cannot take Any More under a read more

the three month deadline has come now

triggers below, check the tags please

this year has unabashedly been the worst year of my life.

and that sounds dramatic, and i know i could have it worse, and maybe i’m being selfish because literally all the things that have happened this year have been all inner turmoils and i’ve literally had years where my family went through financial struggles + death and stuff and even that doesn’t compare to the emotional toll i’ve went through this year but it’s just. bad. it’s so bad.

i don’t know how or why but my depression seemed to just fucking turn itself up 8 notches after january hit to the point where i had to tell my dad that i needed medical help lmao... and i got my first diagnosis, my first perscription.. and it didn’t work, so they upped the dosage, and that didn’t work, so now i’m on a new medicine which has a starting dosage of 150mg, and my doctor told me if this one didn’t work she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist, and i must have looked so broken and on the verge of tears when she said this because she immediately had to reassure me that this wasn’t a failure on my own part, which logically makes sense right, but at the same time it’s just so?? fucking disheartening?? after months of my upper dosage not working i just cold turkeyed them until my next appointment which probably wasn’t the Best Thing because shortly following that i realized that i wanted to k*ll mys*lf more in a two week period than i’d have ever in my entire life, and i thought that suicide idealization was an issue i struggled with since forever, but boy howdy was i wrong because these past couple of weeks have been sooooooo fuckin bad lmao. like i struggle opening my medicine because sometimes i dump like all of it out and just. look at it. in my hand. i never actually do it because i’m way too scared of having a seizure or my dad doing something stupid if i were dead but what if. what if what if what if. it’s more of an intrusive thought than me planning on it, but. what if. my new medication has a specific warning that it’s dangerous for overdoses which is. genuinely kind of scary. what if.

i realized that i don’t have anyone friendwise irl anymore over the course of this school year. to save you and myself the retelling of the most bullshit high school drama i’ve ever been apart of, i realized that all my friends in my Group (tm) couldn’t care any less about me than they already do. i’ve always adored them and loved them with all of my being, and yeah i am not endowed to their appreciation back i guess, but watching them slowly and gradually ditch me and exclude me and ignore me and go out of their way to show me that they don’t care about my existence has been the biggest fucking emotional blow. people outside of this group told me that they were awful people and bad for me and so incredibly toxic and guess what? i defended them and now the fact that i was wrong makes me want to tear my fucking guts out. i spent three whole years with these group of people only for them to decide in the past six months that i’m not worth it. i feel so fucking empty. one of those people was supposed to be my best friend of nine years. and i still fucking love him despite all of that, y’know? i love all of them even though they have made me sob every night over the latter course of a school year and feel unsafe in a club that i was once prominent in and that’s so bullshit and so unfair but it’s fine it’s whatever. and like, i should have seen it coming, because the build up was them treating me so fucking badly. it’s an ongoing joke that despite being rank 1 in my class, i’m.. an idiot? like it’s a joke that haha i’m short and haha i’m stupid and haha i can’t interact with people and i have debilitating anxiety and i make mistakes all the time and i’m the ditzy lesbian of our friend group, even when i express that i hate being called stupid but they just insist that they’re joking with me and that i’m too sensitive. i can count on one hand the amount of times they picked at me for my eating habits even though at least one of them knew i have a pretty bad ED. they picked and picked and picked at me and then when we have our first fight they all immediately fucking drop me, and i still love them and i still try to fix everything but suddenly i’m not worth the effort anymore. it’s draining. i’m so, so tired. outside of the toxic group(tm), anyone that was close to me as i friend (or otherwise) i ended up pushing away or drifting away from or fucking up the relationship on my own, and even if it’s ‘Okay’ on objective terms, to know that i fucked up something that was once really really nice and now i can’t even feel comfortable opening up a message first because i know i’ll get left on read or, even worse, have to read a one-sided, hardly caring/pitying conversation makes me just not want to bother at all. it’s so hard to reach out to the few people i know do kinda sorta care for me, but the fact that i’ve been absent for this long? it makes the few relationships i have strained and forced so i can’t even bring myself to put myself out there knowing that it’s only going to make me feel worse

working makes me?? so miserable ????? i worked at pizza hut up until the beginning of june and while i was good at it and i had friends there, i didn’t get paid enough so i had to quit. i started a new job. i fucking hate it. i actively dread going there. people refuse to train me or are incredibly fucking disrespectful/unfriendly to me if i ask for help or just don’t know how to do something. i feel bad ranting about it because every single person i’ve asked for advice from just says that i’ll get used to it or it’s in my head, which.... regardless of whether or not it is, making me feel like it’s my fault or that i’m being crazy makes me feel sooo fucking sick and like i’m actually insane. i heard it enough from my friends this year. i’m so tired of being blamed for things happening that, while they might be worsened by the anxiety in my head, it isn’t JUST THAT. sometimes things are just BAD but they’re not because I’M making them seem bad, they genuinely just are!!!! not everything is in my head !!!!! things can be upsetting with it being solely because i’m fucking anxious every moment of every fucking day !!!!! regardless i need money so i can’t quit but goddammit i hate every minute i’m not at my house.

all in all, i just feel so, so fucking alone. i have friends on here, and i’m so thankful for them - i’m so grateful to every lovely message i’ve gotten on anon and i’m so thankful for my buds on discord and i’m so thankful for streams and my stream team and i’m so thankful for people who follow me for musicals or art and actively talk to me about them - but it’s just.. here. when i log off and step back from my computer, i’m just immediately fucking alone again. if i were to disappear one day, no one would know what happened to me or where i went, and eventually no one would even care, given that anyone even noticed my absence to begin with. i’m so replaceable. i’m literally just another fucking face on here. another cutesy musical blog ran by a very, very fucking dysfunction kid

anytime i’m shown any shred of kindness, i just. start sobbing. like i cannot even interact like a person, or hell, like the person i was a year ago. this girl i’d been talking to momentarily told me that for as much as i’m there for other people, i need someone that i can jsut lean on and have care about me, and like. i cried. so much. when was the last time i had that? when was the last time i just had someone, anyone just to be here for me? and again, not saying it in a way like i deserve that or am entitled to that, but god fucking damnit i haven’t just rant on and on or spilled my feelings to someone without worrying that they’d get upset with me or deflect it back onto themselves in so, so long. i just want someone to listen. i just want someone to care.

and it’s who i try to be, all the time. the person that cares, the person that listens, and that just might be part of the problem. i say this all the time, and it’s a mantra and probably one of the main highlighted points that comes with my depression: i put so, so much out, so much energy and love and time, and i get almost nothing back. and it takes suuuuch a fucking toll. in such, it causes me to retreat and suddenly just cut people off or distance myself because i’m scared of letting myself get hurt again because the emotional turmoil i go through genuinely, genuinely almost fucking kills me every time. when that whole thing happened with my friend group, i went days without eating and just. wouldn’t talk. wouldn’t do anything other than school. because school is my safety, i can always rely on school, school will always be there - so i threw myself in school and overworked myself and overmaxed my credit hours and like. if i didn’t have that, if i didn’t have my classes, i really don’t know if i’d be here right now. and it sounds dramatic and i’m sorry, i hate it too, but it’s just the fucking truth. but - yeah again, i’m the person that’s always there. that’s why i never fucking rant like this on here. i don’t want to be triggering, and i don’t want to cause people distress, and i want people who are having a hard time to see my blog and maybe feel a little bit better and feel happy and have fun. but in the end, this is the only place i have to scream out into the void because i genuinely don’t have a space to do that in real life anymore. nothing. there’s nothing else.

i’ve always said that when i go to college, i’m just going to do a hard-reset and change up everything. reinvent myself. but sometimes i really don’t see myself getting out of this year alive, or at the very least in one piece. i’m already fucked in so many regards. i’m predestined to be an alcoholic. my brain is actively trying to fucking detonate itself. i’ve never been in love, and sometimes i worry that i never will be. i cry and cry and cry out, but i can’t get help. my solutions to problems is just working until i forget or sleeping until i forget or just finding an alternate way to fucking forget. everything that i’m looking forward to is so incredibly temporary or so short lived or so pathetically small in the grand scheme of things. i have to stay alive to see my AP scores on july 5th. i have to stay alive because i promised my friends i’d stream on this day. i have to stay alive because i promised addie i’d go see this show with her in september. but it’s not for me. it’s never for fucking me. i couldn’t care less.

i’m not going to ever kill myself because i’m too scared of the pain or the symptoms that i’ll feel right up to it. but otherwise, i really don’t know why else i’m obligated to stay here.

#suicide mention #ed mention #self harm mention #depression mention #overdose mention #read more #irrelevant #garbage.txt #this was more for my own personal catharsis(?) than anything else #i ended up sobbing in the subway parking lot today and i just.#needed to summarize 2019 for myself #get it all out there #because i feel like i never get to talk to the full extent of how bad i feel at any given moment #i'm always the happy go lucky wacky lesbian #and even after this if you're a person who knows me irl you know i'll be acting the exact same way i always do #it's just who i am at this point #a stupid fucking facade #i'm sorry for new followers i promise i don't always do this #this is the first in like forever #my content is primarily musicals and memes tee hee #i'll probably delete this later #or archive #please don't feel super obligated to reply to this #it's not why i wrote it #it was just to vent because yknow #like i said #don't really have any other way to do that these days #long post #longpost #sorry if parts of this don't make sense i'm not proofreading it for my own sanity

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neuxue · 6 years ago

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Wheel of Time liveblogging: The Gathering Storm ch 38

Egwene faces some important questions and understands some important things and it’s all lovely and then the last page BLOWS IT ALL AWAY HOLY SHIT THAT’S A THING THAT JUST HAPPENED

Chapter 38: News in Tel’aran’rhiod

Egwene! This seems like an appropriate POV shift after the last chapter(s). Chapter, mostly. It fits, because of course Rand and Egwene parallel each other in many ways, as I have no doubt already bored you to death with on multiple occasions, but an Egwene chapter seems like perhaps the only way to follow…*waves nervously in the direction of the previous chapter* that, because while there are many many parallels between these two, the difference – as I have also no doubt bored you to death with on multiple occasions – is in their mindsets, and in how they approach those parallel events and issues and obstacles. And so to go from one to the other is (probably) a good way to transition in a way that provides a smooth continuity as well as a marked contrast.

I say all of this having read exactly one word of this chapter, so maybe I should not be getting ahead of myself.

So Egwene is locked in a cell, which means this is definitely not a perfect awful things to happy delightful things tone shift, but then, I wasn’t really expecting it to be. I’m expecting more of a ‘this is what I must do and so I will do it even as it damns me’ burning of hundreds of people from existence to a ‘this is my situation and I will do all that is in my power to bring something good from it because that is the choice I have made’ resistance-but-also-healing from within tone shift.

The conversation thus far looks something like this:

Siuan: “Let’s stage a prison break.” Egwene: “No.” Siuan: “Aw, come on, you’re no fun anymore.”

Lightly paraphrased, of course.

Siuan: “Also they might kill you.” Egwene: “…point.”

So at least Siuan gets to plan a prison break. She should get Gawyn on board; it might keep him occupied. Or at least keep him from fucking everything up (again).

“If Elaida cows them, she will act quickly. The woman’s punishments can be swift as a stormwind, take you unaware. I know that for certain.”

“If that happens,” Egwene said pointedly, “my death would be a victory. Elaida would be the one who gave up, not I.”

And so here we have another of those not-quite-parallels not-quite-inversions between Egwene and Rand. It’s the way they both currently view the possibility of their death. Neither sees it as a defeat, or as something to fear. Both see it, to some extent, as a form of victory. But while Rand arrives at that thought through despair and self-loathing and pain he has had to endure for too long, and sees it as something he deserves and as the best he can hope for – an ending – Egwene sees it as an affirmation of agency. If she dies, she dies in power. If she dies it is because she has chosen not to give up her fight, not to put down the burdens she has taken on. If she dies it is a victory, not because she seeks death or an ending, but because it would ensure that her goals are furthered and hopefully achieved. Rand wants to die because he no longer looks to a future; Egwene will willingly die if it means saving the future she works towards. Rand sees it as his fate; Egwene sees it as her choice.

“An old acquaintance of yours recently arrived in camp.”

“Really?” Egwene asked absently. “Who?”

“Gawyn Trakand.”

Sigh. Please just break up with him; you deserve so much better.

On the other hand, at least she knows he’s there – given how communication in this series usually goes, I’m almost surprised. And if she knows he’s there, she can take that into account. Or send a message to him to mind his own business for a little while. Or something.

She managed to keep her form locked into that of the Amyrlin, however, and forced her thoughts back to the moment, driving herself to be casual as she responded. “Gawyn?” she asked. “How odd. I wouldn’t have thought to find him there.”

Siuan smiled. “That was nicely handled,” she said. “Though you paused too long, and when you did ask for him, you were overly uninterested. That made you easy to read.”

“Light blind you,” Egwene said. “Another test?”

A good test, though. Or maybe that’s just me – I like these sorts of things, even if this feels more Sanderson than Jordan to me. Still, it’s absolutely the sort of thing Siuan would ensure Egwene knew: how to mask her true reactions one way or another, and deceive the messenger without truly lying.

I suppose it’s also good that Egwene still has reactions and emotions, unlike SOME PEOPLE I COULD NAME. It’s one thing to hide them; it’s another to rm -rf the whole damn system.

“I should think that the time for testing me has passed.”

“Everyone you meet will always be testing you, Mother,” Siuan said. “You must be prepared for surprises; at any moment someone could throw one at you just to see how you respond.”

That is very, very good advice. Harsh, perhaps, but true. Hers is not a role or position that allows her to take her guard down. Ever, really.

Also that reeks of foreshadowing.

“Gawyn hasn’t said much that I could hear. I think he’s here because he heard that you were captured. He arrived with a spectacular flurry, but now he stays in Bryne’s command post, visiting the Aes Sedai regularly. He’s mulling over something; keeps going to speak to Romanda and Lelaine.”

“That’s troubling.”

That’s an understatement.

For Egwene’s reasons too, I suppose. I was thinking more about the extraordinary potential Gawyn carries in his pocket to make a mess of things, but it’s true that the implication here of divisions in the camp is…a problem.

Not a new problem, but a growing one.

Romanda on one side, Lelaine on the other, with a shrinking slice that doesn’t want to take sides.

Hey it’s a fractal! The Aes Sedai split in rough thirds between Elaida, Egwene, and Option C; then one of those groups split into rough thirds between Romanda and Lelaine…okay sorry I’ll stop.

*definitely does not start drawing out the Fractal of Aes Sedai Uncooperation*

The Tower may be fracturing along Ajah lines, but the rebels are not free from division and discord themselves. And truly healing the Tower means finding a way to bring allof those together.

“Factions and breaks,” Egwene said, getting up. “Infighting and squabbling. We are better than this, Siuan.”

Or she’ll make them be better than this, by sheer force of will.

It’s hard for any group to remain truly unified towards a single purpose, though, especially when there’s power involved. Just look at…uh…literally anywhere in the entire world.

And in this particular world, Rand’s trying to hold nations together but has just failed to establish a truce with the Seanchan. Egwene’s trying to bring the Tower together, but even her own faction is threatening to splinter apart. There is a greater threat, and they all need to be united to face it, but that’s countered by all the forces of division, all the disagreements and differences of opinion and outright hostilities. So this is where people like Egwene and Rand come in, or should, but that is far from an easy task.

For now, Egwene’s about to lay down the law for the Hall. They should know by now that this rarely ends with anything other than Egwene getting her way, so we could just skip the whole ordeal and go straight to that end result, no? No. Alright. Fine.

“I worry about how hard you’re pushing yourself. The Amyrlin needs to learn to ration her strength; some in your place have failed not because they lacked the capacity for greatness, but because they stretched that capacity too thin, sprinting when they should have walked.”

It’s like a version of or variation on Nynaeve’s talk with Rand in A Conversation with the Dragon. A softer version, perhaps, because Egwene isn’t tearing away her own humanity piece by piece, but she is in her way giving everything she has and sparing very little for herself. It is how she has always been; Egwene does not do things halfway. She throws herself in wholeheartedly, even when there is a risk. She does not let herself rest, does not pace herself.

And yet…well, we all know how I think this ends. One of the things I’ve suspected for a long time about this series is that Egwene will not survive it. And in a way, if I’m right, it would be yet another parallel/inversion between her and Rand. I think Rand, who thinks he must sacrifice everything he is, and who longs for the ending of death, will find a way to live, and perhaps to find himself again. Because death is something he seeks out of despair and fatigue and self-hatred. Whereas Egwene…this is who she is.

There are some lines she has to draw between Egwene al’Vere and the Amyrlin Seat, and she’s had to change to fill that role, but she hasn’t torn away parts of herself to do that. She’s grown, and become more herself. She has made these choices and embraced what they require. It’s not a rejection but rather an affirmation of self, and while as a result she may feel pain, she does not inflict it upon herself, nor does she see it as something she deserves. Egwene does not hold back or fragment herself to try to preserve some part of herself. And so it would be true to her character to give everything, including her life, and to do so willingly. It would be fitting for her, because it would be a choice, and true to everything she is, whereas for Rand it would be…not defeat, precisely, but certainly not triumph. Because for him it would not be a choice so much as it would be the only way out of something he never truly chose. Victory – or maybe fulfilment? I can’t think of quite the right word – for him would be getting to be himself in the end; getting to have a life he chooses, getting to live free of this fate that was set upon him. Whereas victory – or fulfilment – for Egwene may well be to be absolutely herself at the end, to hold nothing back and to give her life for the world.

So…yeah, I worry about her pushing herself too hard as well. I just don’t think she’s going to stop doing that. I think it will very likely mean her death. But if that’s the case, I also don’t think it would be a…meaningless death. It would be one of those sad-but-not-tragic sorts of deaths. Where it’s sad but in its own way it’s a kind of fulfilment of character.

Or I could be wrong.

That’s always a very strong possibility.

“My days are spent in solitude, with the occasional beating to provide spice. These meetings at night help me survive.”

“Is it difficult to endure?” Siuan asked softly.

‘Well, I’m kept in a cell that is essentially a box and beaten regularly but nah, this is fine’.

(Egwene does a better This Is Fine than I do).

Then again, it’s hardly her first captivity. But where Rand’s subsequent captivities only made his fear of confinement worse and dragged him even deeper into distrust and hardening himself, Egwene has – unsurprisingly, given how these two characters’ arcs relate – gone in almost the opposite direction.

Egwene’s response to being collared – and the way she reacted when freed from it – was similar to Rand’s response to the box. Different in scale, because one happened in book 2, when Egwene was still just coming into her power an done happened in book 6, when…well…They will pay. I am the Lord of the Morning. But while Egwene definitely still carries some of that trauma and resulting fear of being collared, this doesn’t compound that. In part, it helps that it’s not the same kind of captivity. But it also helps that she sees a purpose in it; this is a part of the war she’s fighting, and she does it for the White Tower. She embraces pain because there is a reason for it – not because on some level she believes she deserves it. She embraces it so that she can endure it, but does not use it as a form of self-flagellation in order to harden herself. She instead learns to accept it. And she doesn’t tell herself ‘this is what comes of trusting’ or ‘this is what comes of not being strong enough’. She doesn’t internalise it, even as she embraces it.

Because she has chosen this.

“It just occurred to me. This is what it must have been like for Rand. No, worse. The stories say he was locked in a box smaller than my cell. At least I can spend part of the evenings chatting with you. He had nobody. He was without the belief that his beatings meant something.”

Oh Egwene. There’s something so…almost cathartic about seeing her say this, seeing her understand. Because that puts her in a group of maybe…one or two other people? And she gets to the heart of it in a way, but understanding that fundamental difference between their situations: he was alone, and without the reassurance that this served a purpose. Whereas she can hold to that, and she can reach out to some of her support base, and know that there is a reason for her pain.

It’s a rather perfect illustration of the whole ‘parallels but inversions’ pattern of their storylines – there’s a very obvious point of similarity in that they’re both held in a box and beaten (at Elaida’s direction, no less)…but that’s where the similarities end. And that’s how so much of their stories have been: points of similarity in terms of the situation, and then nearly opposite approaches or responses to it.

Also this is lovely because it shows so clearly how she still cares about Rand, even if the Dragon Reborn is a problem to be dealt with.

“Each day I endure is another proof that Elaida’s will is notlaw. She cannot break me. Her support from the others is eroding. Trust me.”

Siuan nodded. “Very well,” she said, rising. “You are Amyrlin.”

And here we have the value of strength rather than hardness. Rand smiled when he was taken out of the box and beaten, but it was the hardest thing he had ever done; it was a brittle sort of defiance, because he was being broken. He had no one but Lews Therin and nothing to hold on to except the belief that this is what comes of trusting Aes Sedai and so he tried to endure but it was such a brittle endurance. Whereas Egwene can draw strength from those she trusts, because she still has those connections. Egwene can embrace pain knowing it serves her purpose. And so Egwene cannot be broken this way. She’s not grimacing in defiance and desperately holding on; she’s suffering but her belief and determination and sense of self are intact.

“I always believed you had potential,” Siuan corrected. “Well, you’ve fulfilled it. Some of it at least. Enough of it. However this storm blows through, you’ve proven one thing. You deservedthe place you hold.”

It’s a nice moment, and yet another sense of a character’s growth completed or all but completed, a readying for the ending. They’re all coming into who they are, who they have been becoming for the last eleven books.

Well.

Rand is something of a special case. He’s also reaching what feels like the culmination of a path he’s been on since almost the beginning, but in his case it’s a nadir rather than an apex. And yet, I think that’s a necessary step in his case, the darkest hour before the dawn.

Egwene is, rather understandably, reluctant to leave Tel’aran’rhiod because embracing pain is all well and good but there’s no reason to hurry back to it if you don’t have to.

I feel the same way waking up on Monday mornings.

Egwene had long since stopped being unnerved by the eerie lack of people in Tel’aran’rhiod. But this camp was different somehow. It looked as a war camp might after all the soldiers had been slaughtered on the battlefield. Deserted, yet still a banner to proclaim the lives of those who had occupied it. Egwene felt as if she could see the division that Siuan had talked about, tents clumped together like bunches of sprouting flowers.

The strength of the rebel camp is waning, with Egwene no longer there to hold the centre. Deserted but with a banner to proclaim those who occupied it is pretty much right on the nose. They’re still ostensibly holding to their position, but without the impetus or heart she provided. It’s a brittle thing, now, a hollow rebellion. She doesn’t have much time.

Because this is a part of the division of the Tower – it is divided within itself and against itself, and so long as there is division, there will be weakness. If she is to unite it, she must unite the whole Tower; she held the rebels together for a time, but that’s not enough when there’s a greater division still unhealed.

It was healthy to have the women planning and preparing; the trouble was when they began to regard others of their kind as enemies, rather than just rivals.

You could expand that to all of humanity at this point, Egwene.

And this is where I sort of wonder if maybe…could Egwene be the one to finally achieve a treaty or some kind of peace with the Seanchan? They’re moving on the Tower and she’s trying to unite the Tower from within and she very much has a history with the Seanchan – she’s the first of the main characters to have such a history – and it would be a way of bringing a sort of closure to that part of her arc. A way of healing or moving on from what was done to her, and laying the foundations for something better.

So what if their attack on the Tower is a way for her to unite the Aes Sedai, but then a chance to perhaps offer the Seanchan a truce rather than defeat? What if Elaida’s Foretelling about Rand facing the Amyrlin and knowing her anger is tied in some way to the dual but opposite prophecies of Rand binding the nine moons to serve him and the Dragon Reborn kneeling before the Crystal Throne?

And if that’s how the attack is thwarted, if she ends it by forging some kind of truce between them, it would be a rallying point for the Tower around her as well, because she would be the one who not only foretold this attack but saved them from it and future ones…

Rand failed to make peace with the Seanchan, and his and Egwene’s arcs have so long been this series of parallels and opposites, so it would be fitting for this to be another one. Rand to walk calmly to peace talks and everything to fall apart as both sides immediately turn to their own attacks afterwards, and Egwene to face a battle and come out with a peace treaty. There would be a very nice symmetry to something like that.

What if the White Tower didn’t unseat Elaida? What if, despite Egwene’s progress, the rifts between the Ajahs never healed? What then? Go to war?

There was another option, one that none of them had brought up: that of giving up on reconciliation permanently. Setting up a second White Tower. It would mean leaving the Aes Sedai broken, perhaps forever. Egwene shuddered at the prospect, and her skin itched, rebelling against the thought.

But what if she had no other choice? She had to consider the ramifications, and she found them daunting.

Yeah that’s about as much a solution as balefiring a fortress is mercy. But it’s a sign of how much she’s grown and matured that Egwene forces herself to consider the possibility of failure, and to actually think through what it would mean. What the other options are. What she’s committing herself to, and what will happen if she doesn’t succeed. Because she could fail. She’s about as determined as it’s possible for a person to be, but she’s not infallible, and there are things she cannot control, and it could all still go wrong. So she forces herself to face what that would look like. Even here, locked in a cell. Even as she has to hold fast to the belief that her pain means something. Because she also has to look at the possibility that it won’t.

Also…the Aes Sedai have been broken since the Breaking of the World, really. Ever since the male Aes Sedai went mad and saidar was left unbalanced by tainted saidin. And there is a second tower already: the Black Tower. The Asha’man, separate from the Aes Sedai.

She would bring the White Tower Aes Sedai to her side. Elaida wouldfall. But if not…then Egwene would do what was necessary in order to preserve the people, and the world, in the face of Tarmon Gai’don.

Determination and conviction, but that undercurrent now of pragmatism and realism. It’s not an easy duality to hold. She’s come a long way.

Ah, good old need. Possibly the closest this series comes to deus ex machina on the regular but hey, sometimes you…uh…need that. I suppose it’s really just letting any character be temporarily ta’veren in the World of Dreams. Of course, ta’veren is that wonderfully paradoxical way of circumventing deus ex machina by turning it into a part of your worldbuilding, so…fair play. Surrender to control?

What did she need to know, what did she need to see?

Wise questions to ask, all things considered.

It’s something else I like about how Egwene has grown: she hasn’t lost that core of stubborn determination that has seen her through so much, but she has gained an openness to advice and an acceptance of the fact that she does not and cannot ever know everything, that she might be wrong or might be missing something. And the corresponding ability to seek out and be open to whatever that might be. It reminds me of what Lan said to Rand, about a portion of wisdom being the understanding that you can’t know everything, and that sometimes what you’re missing is the most important piece. And a portion of courage being to go on anyway.

She presses on, but she also looks for guidance and advice when she knows there’s more. She uses need here not to find a solution to her problems, but to see what the Pattern thinks she should know or see, to see what she might be missing, because she’s willing to be shown it, and to take it into account.

(It would be nice if more people did that in real life from time to time).

Need takes her to a fire, apparently. How…*looks at last chapter again*…ironic.

In the middle of a camp of the Tuatha’an. I think maybe I see where this is going.

She could almost hear the flutes and drums, could almost imagine those flickers from the firepit to be the shadows of dancing men and women. Did the Tuatha’an still dance, with that sky still full of gloom, the winds so full of ill news? What place was there for them in a world preparing for war?

But what place is there for war, in a world that has no place for dancing? What purpose is there to that war, if not to allow for life? Without that, you end up where Rand is: looking only to the war and its victory, and not to the reason, or to anything that comes after. And at that point, the only purpose is war itself, and what future is that?

If I were a slightly more cynical person than I am, I might respond with ‘the one we live in’ but apparently in this, the year of our lord two thousand and nineteen, I still retain some semblance of optimism.

Maybe that’s just because it’s my favourite season and I have an excellent playlist of classical music on in the background a full mug of the world’s best green tea sitting right next to me, so nothing can look too bad.

(I am absolutely a caricature of myself in this moment).

For a moment, she let her gown change to that of a simple, woollen Two Rivers dress of green, much like the one she’d worn during her time visiting the Travelling People. She stared into those non-existent flames, remembering and pondering.

…In a moment, she would step out of Tel’aran’rhiod and return to her wounds. In a moment she would face the Aes Sedai outside, and become the Amyrlin again. But for now, she only wanted to sit, and remember an innkeeper’s daughter named Egwene al’Vere.

Couldn’t help myself, sorry.

Best not to wonder what has become of Aram, Egwene. That way lies madness, pretty much literally.

Yes, this group would still dance. They would dance right up until the day when the Pattern burned away, whether or not they found their song, whether or not Trollocs ravaged the world or the Dragon Reborn destroyed it.

And that’s what they’re fighting for. This gets into Sanderson’s ‘journey before destination’ a little bit, but is also absolutely consistent with the way Jordan has painted the conflict: it’s not just about winning the war. It’s about how, and why, and what you do with the life you have even when the apocalypse is hanging over you.

It’s what Rand has forgotten, and what Egwene has held on to. Neither of them can truly control the Pattern – well, okay, Rand’s certainly been making a go at it lately, and I suppose almost tearing it to pieces would sort of count in a way maybe I guess – but while Rand has been pulled into the view that this means he has no choices, Egwene takes the opposite view and claims what agency she can. It’s not just about what’s coming; it’s about how they face it.

Had she let herself lose sight of those things which were most precious? Why did she fight so hard to secure the White Tower? For power? For pride? Or because she felt it really was best for the world?

Was she going to suck herself dry as she fought this battle?

Well…in answer to that last question, I think very likely yes. But the whole point is that she’s asking herself these questions, asking herself why. What is she fighting for. What purpose does this serve. If she chooses to give herself to this – the key word there being chooses – what is she doing it for?

They’re the questions Rand cannot ask himself, because that would mean holding on to some form of hope, and that’s too painful. And because he does not believe he has any choices, so it would hurt too much to taunt himself with the notion that he could choose to fight for something, that he could choose how and why to fight at all, that he could choose what has already been chosen for him.

They’re facing the same vital questions, these two, and yet they again end up on opposite sides. Because Egwene sees choice, where Rand sees only necessity.

Yet I think this is exactly where Rand needs to end up – just as need has brought Egwene here, to remind her.

She had chosen – or, would have chosen – the Green and not the Blue. The difference wasn’t just that she liked the way the Greens stood up and fought; she thought that the Blues were too focused. Life was more complicated than a single cause. Life was about living. About dreaming, laughing and dancing.

I have very little to add to this, because…yes. She gets it. It’s not just about getting to the Last Battle at any cost, or even about winning the Last Battle at any cost. It’s about what that cost is paid for; it’s about the future a victory would enable. And in looking past that single cause, there’s a way to find choice again, rather than simply duty. Duty is ‘I must win this battle’. Choice is ‘I will fight this battle so that there will be a future in which people can live a life beyond this war’.

This is also probably the first explanation of Egwene’s Ajah preference that makes sense to me. Even if it is a little ironic that Egwene al’Vere, who throws herself completely and entirely into everything she does, thinks the Blues are too focused. But this is part of that realisation, I suppose – that she needs to remember why she’s doing this in the first place. That it can’t just be about the cause, the way it could for someone like Moiraine, who took that as her own way of accepting and choosing fate.

It reminds me of what Vandene said to Moiraine: “Blues. Always so ready to save the world that you lose yourselves.” And a character like Moiraine…part of her strength is that she can do that, and somehow still remain herself. They need someone like her, who can do that, but that’s…not something that works for every character.

Blah Gawyn blah.

She loved him. She would bond him. Those desires of her heart were less important than the fate of the world, true, but they were still important.

This, precisely. Ignoring the fact that it’s Gawyn, but aside from that, she getsit. She is allowed to want things. She is allowed to care, allowed to make choices. She can prioritise her duty and the needs of the world – and that prioritisation is pretty key here – but that doesn’t have to exclude her ability to be a person with wants and desires and choices. She doesn’t have to deny herself those things that make her who she is. Because at that point, what is there to hold on to? What point is there to fighting at all?

And Rand has, at this point, decided the opposite. “I don’t know how human the Dragon Reborn can afford to be.” He cannot want anything, because he is a force and a tool and a weapon, not a person. He cannot choose anything, because he is the Dragon Reborn, a piece of the Pattern and nothing else. And so he has torn away or suppressed anything that makes him Rand, and in doing so has lost that source of strength that he views as a weakness. He has lost that surrender-to-control ability to face his fate and yet choose it, because there is a reason and a purpose for him to do so, beyond it being required of the Dragon Reborn. And that makes it so much harder to endure, and takes him closer to this cliff edge of ‘it would be easier, it would be merciful, to just end it all’.

That’s not strength; that’s shattering.

Though the sky bubbled in black turmoil, something cast a shadow from the Tower, and it fell directly on Egwene. Was this a vision of some sort? The Tower dwarfed her, and she felt its weight, as if she were holding it up herself. Pushing on those walls, keeping them from cracking and tumbling.

Rand shadowed by a mountain, Egwene shadowed by the Tower. Dragon and Amyrlin; Dragonmount and the White Tower. And some small light atop each, casting that shadow onto them.

She stood for a long while there, sky boiling, the Tower’s perfect spire throwing its shadow down onto Egwene. She stared up at its peak, trying to decide if it was time to just let it fall.

No, she thought again.

Again it comes down to such a simple and yet monumental difference in the assertion of agency. Both Egwene and Rand, Dragon and Amyrlin, are shadowed by the symbol of their role. Both feel its weight, both struggle to hold it up.

Yet in Rand’s case, he sees that mountain as something he must carry, until the time comes when he can die and be free of it, because that is the only way. For Egwene…she looks at it, and wonders if she should just let it go, and decides not to. She chooses this. And that makes it more bearable.

I Rand’s case the mountain is a…pressure, a weight on him, seeking to crush him. In Egwene’s case it’s still a weight, but she sees her role as supporting it, holding it together rather than struggling underneath it.

Anyway I love the way they are so similar and yet so opposite; I know you probably couldn’t tell from the last several thousand words.

It’s just such a good way of highlighting those differences, and in doing so showing indirectly where the core of Rand’s own struggle is. And also showing the importance of Egwene’s choices and mindset, as we’ve seen where the opposite leads. Both storylines and arcs play off of and complement each other, so that together you get something slightly more than the sum of their parts.

And back to the waking world and pain.

She did not complain. No yells, no cries, no begging. She forced herself to sit up despite the pain, smiling to herself at how it felt.

Her refusal to cry out or beg or show them discomfort is not a strain on her in the same way as it would be if she were resisting this pain, or if she had no belief that it was for a purpose. But because she embraces that, there’s a much greater depth and strength to her endurance and defiance. It feels less brittle, more sustainable.

She sat back down, cross-legged, and took deep breaths, repeating to herself that she wantedto be locked in this room.

That deliberate assertion of agency, to remind herself of the strength it brings. Of course it helps that she actually could escape if she decided to – that this is actually in many ways a choice – but it’s the recognition of it as such, the decision to cast her situation in such a light, that makes the crucial difference, I think. That’s what so much of her story is based in: the hero-by-choice rather than necessity. The importance of choosing, even when it just means choosing what is necessary, or choosing to follow what is asked of her.

The words, repeated in her head, helped stave off the panic at considering yet another day within this cell.

While locked in a box, her mantra becomes an assertion of agency and choice, while Rand’s became a litany of self-flagellating anger and admonishments to never trust again, to be harder.

What would she have done without the nightly dreams to keep her sane? Again, she thought of poor Rand, locked away. She and he shared something now. A kinship beyond a common childhood in the Two Rivers. They had both suffered Elaida’s punishments. And it hadn’t broken either of them.

That last part is somewhat debatable, but what I really like here is the depth of compassion and respect she shows. She doesn’t equate their situations and claim superiority. She’s also already acknowledged the differences in the specifics of their situations, and thinks she has an advantage here by being able to reach out in dreams, and by having the comfort of knowing this means something. And given that she is currently imprisoned and in pain and suffering, that kind of compassionate understanding is…impressive.

I’ve spent a lot of this chapter contrasting the way she and Rand deal with situations that on the surface are similar, but I want to reiterate that my point isn’t to say Egwene is superior because of the way she looks at and handles this, nor is it to try to quantify their relative degrees of suffering. But there’s a reason we’re presented with these two similar yet different situations, and a lot of it is to highlight those aspects that are different, and to let us begin to understand why. It’s easier to see how they each end up where they are when you have something to contrast it with.

And Egwene, also, doesn’t make the comparison as a way of claiming superiority, or as a value judgement of any sort. It’s a source of similarity to her, when so much has pulled them apart. They shared a childhood, and now they share this, horrible as it is. But in that, she chooses to focus on shared strength. There’s a great deal of implicit respect in that; that and this empathy are going to be important, I think, in holding them together and allowing them to face the Last Battle as allies, even when so much of their roles puts them at odds. It won’t be easy, but they have these underlying threads to help them (in a way that Latra Posae and Lews Therin perhaps did not…)

Also, Egwene? This is definitley not the first or only thing you two share beyond the Two Rivers. You two should compare notes sometime, when you uh…have a break from saving the world.

She would not break, particularly not while she could spend the nights in Tel’aran’rhiod. In fact, in many ways, those were her days – spent free and active – while these were her nights, in inactive darkness. She told herself that.

She tells herself that, because so much is about perception. Perceiving it as her choice, believing it to be. And perception is so much of the difference between her and Rand, as we see over and over when they face these parallel events and moments in their respective stories. She sees herself as choosing while he sees himself as chosen, and so much of the differences spiral from there.

Time for her regularly scheduled torture except wait no it’s a change in the routine. Probably not for the better, given that this is Katerine.

Ah. Elaida’s given up on imprisoning Egwene, probably because it’s having no effect whatsoever, and has decided to shift the blame to Silviana.

And Katerine is the new Mistress of Novices. That makes her the third confirmed member of the Black Ajah to hold the position in the series (if we count New Spring). This is some Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor level curse.

Elaida was more competent than Egwene had assumed.

Unfortunately.

That’s part of the problem: Elaida’s just competent enough to maintain a position that allows her incompetence to ruin everything. She’s like those people you run into at almost any company who have clearly been promoted just a little too high, but they’re not quite incompetent enough to be removed from their role, so instead it’s just a mess.

After spending so long locked up, it felt wonderful simply to be able to walk.

I’m reminded so strongly here of that part of Rand’s imprisonment where he hallucinates just…walking. You could extend that to his entire role, really; all he wanted at one point was to be able to just…be. Something as simple as just walking, free of chains or responsibilities or a destiny.

But she’d won. The realisation was just beginning to dawn on her. She’d won! She’d resisted the worst punishment Elaida could contrive, and had come out victorious!

This freedom is a victory to Egwene, in a way Dumai’s Wells was…er…not, for Rand. She’s not completely free, and she hasn’t completely won, but it is a victory nonetheless. Whereas Dumai’s Wells was far more decisive, and yet significantly less triumphant.

And everything looks brighter, even as she knows she still has more to do. (As after Dumai’s Wells everything looked darker, even though it was a very thorough ‘win’). It’s all about perception.

Why does Egwene keep referring to Elaida as ‘the Amyrlin’? Why does she give Elaida that title, when she claims it for herself? Is that just a Sanderson slip?

Saerin wants to talk to Egwene and is going to put up with exactly zero (0) bullshit from Egwene’s Red minders in her efforts to do so.

“Being seen in your company can be rather worth that risk, these days. I wanted to determine something.”

“What?” Egwene asked, curious.

“Well, I actually wanted to see if they could be pushed around.”

Ha. I like her. It’s just the right level of petty. And on a less petty note, tides have definitely shifted in the Tower. Still not enough for Egwene to claim a full victory yet, but what was begun in Honey in the Tea has continued and gained momentum, it would seem.

“[Reds] see it as a major failing on Elaida’s part.”

“She should have killed me,” Egwene said with a nod. “Days ago.”

“That would have been seen as a failure.”

She’s so matter-of-fact in discussing the possibility of her own execution, in terms of its strategic merit. Perhaps again because she has made her choice, and will see it through. She accepted the possibility of execution early on; she has contingency plans around it now, of course, but when she said she would be willing to die for the Tower, she was not lying. And so, once she’s accepted that and made it just another part of her choice – not something to be sought out but also not something to be fought if it could serve a purpose – she can look at it clearly.

Ah, so there’s more to the story of Silviana’s removal.

Oh damn.

“Silviana demanded to be heard by the full Hall while it was sitting,” Saerin explained. “She stood before the lot of us, before Elaida herself, and insisted that your treatment was unlawful. Which, likely, it was. Even if you aren’t an Aes Sedai, you shouldn’t have been placed in such terrible conditions." Saerin glanced at Egwene. “Silviana demanded your release. She seemed to respect you a great deal, I should say.”

Slow clap for Silviana. Wow. That’s quite a move to make, given Elaida’s entire reign as Amyrlin and what she’s done to those who have defied her. But this is where Egwene’s strength pays off: she gave Silviana, and perhaps has given others, the impetus and reason to find theirs. Silviana watched firsthand as Egwene held to her convictions day after day, despite being beaten and punished for them, despite Elaida and everyone else. And so Silviana has now done the same. She has faced the Hall and refused to back down or bow to Elaida’s demands, despite the consequences. Egwene has given her, and given the others, an example of that core of strength and conviction, even if it means defiance. And now that has taken root.

“She denounced Elaida, calling for her to be removed as Amyrlin. It was…quite extraordinary.”

Yeah, Silviana’s kind of awesome.

This could be another turning point; the other Aes Sedai have seen Egwene’s example, and perhaps been swayed by it in some cases, but now it’s not just the novices who have been won over. Now, Silviana has taken up Egwene’s example and made it plain for all the rest to see, and where one has gone, others may follow. It’s not about whispered hints or veiled requests for advice anymore. Now the call has been made not just by a rebel Amyrlin dressed as a novice, but by a member of Elaida’s own Ajah, from within the Tower, in front of the Hall. That’s harder to ignore, and once that first step has been taken, once that particular threshold has been crossed, it’s much easier to carry momentum.

“What did Elaida do to her?”

“Ordered her to take up the dress of a novice,” Saerin said. “Just about caused an uproar in the Hall itself.” Saerin paused. “Silviana refused, of course. Elaida has declared that she is to be stilled and executed. The Hall doesn’t know whatto do.”

And so Elaida has done exactly what Egwene tried to hint or warn the others she might: carry her power too far. If she demoted Shemerin, what is to stop her from demoting any who disagree with her? If the Aes Sedai let her get away with these things early on, it will only enable her to push them further…and now she has. And so it comes to a head, because now Silviana, unlike Shemerin, refuses to accept that from Elaida. While Elaida has now ordered execution for someone who stands up to her and dares to defy her in something she should never have had the power to do anyway. It’s forcing the Hall to actually make a choice now, to take a side.

I want credit for making it through that entire paragraph without a single reference to real-world politics.

“Light! She mustn’t be punished! We must prevent this.”

There’s a certain amusing irony to hearing this from Egwene, who adamantly refused rescue or aid from her own faction when she was captured and subjected to Elaida’s punishments.

“Prevent it?” Saerin asked. “Child, the Red Ajah is crumbling! Its members are turning against one another, wolves attacking their own pack. If Elaida is allowed to go through with killing one of her own Ajah, whatever support she had from within the ranks will evaporate. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised, when the dust settles, to see that the Ajah has undermined itself to the point that you could simply disband it and be done with them.”

“I don’t want to disband them,” Egwene said. “Saerin, that’s one of the problems with Elaida’s way of thinking in the first place! The White Tower needs all of the Ajahs, even the red, to face what is coming. We certainly can’t afford to lose a woman like Silviana just to make a point.”

There’s so much division, and so much anger between the Ajahs and the Aes Sedai in general, that it’s hard to put aside some desire for revenge or even just to see the ‘other side’ get what they ‘deserve’. But this is where Egwene’s ability to see past that, to seek a true unification of the Tower, becomes so important. Because someone has to be able to look past that.

Yes, this could undermine Elaida. But it’s not really about undermining Elaida anymore; as Egwene realised earlier, it’s about uniting the Tower, which is a similar fight in some ways but a very different one in others. It means she can’t let this continue as another step in the conflict. She can’t let the Red Ajah dissolve just to make a point, to get some kind of payback for the dissolution of the Blue, because all that does is serve more discord.

But to be able to keep so strongly to that conviction after being mistreated and held prisoner and beaten because of them is…impressive, to say the least.

“Do you really think you’re in control here, child?”

Egwene met her eyes. “Do you want to be?”

Saerin’s response is, appropriately (translated to modern English): Fuck no.

It’s a good response, not just because it’s a clever retort but because it’s genuinely a good question. And a good way to make someone stop and think for a second. Who would want to inherit this mess, and be held responsible for almost inevitable failure? (Sometimes I feel just a little bit sorry for Theresa May).

It’s another strength of Egwene’s; or rather, another complexity of the situation she’s come to fully understand. This isn’t about power, or about who gets to be Amyrlin, or even who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s not about winning. It’s about preserving the Tower, however that can be done.

So Saerin’s off to stage something of a prison break of her own, and Egwene’s turning this into an object lesson for the Reds watching her.

Barasine doesn’t want to go watch one of the tenser moments of Tower history because she promised to hold Egwene’s shield, Egwene realises she might actually be the only adult in the room and pinky-swears not to touch saidar, Barasine’s not biting, so Egwene just sends a novice for some nice hot forkroot tea because she is so beyond done with everyone’s shit.

Egwene actually drinks the forkroot, too. It’s like when she started laughing while Silviana was beating her. She’s reached this level of both commitment and understanding to the actual cause and the actual problems that need to be addressed, that from this perspective everything else looks so ridiculous. She’ll have to drink forkroot to get the two Reds to try to prevent the collapse of their own Ajah? Fine, just put some honey in it had have done. There’s a sense of urgency to everything, but all the individual pieces just look so…small. So unnecessary, so petty and ridiculous and why would she even pause for half a second if she can easily find a way past it? What does a little forkroot matter, compared to the fact that the Tower is falling apart from within?

“Hello, Egwene,” Verin said, taking a sip from a steaming cup of tea.

Probably not forkroot this time. But more importantly, um, what? Verin what are you doing here and how did you get here and why?

“I have work to be about.”

“Hmm, yes,” Verin said, taking a calm sip of her tea. “I suspect that you do. By the way, that dress you are wearing is green.”

DID SHE JUST.

DID WE JUST FIND OUT.

DID VERIN JUST PLAY HER HAND.

Verin just played her hand.

She just.

That.

What.

It’s not even the fact that she can lie that’s so surprising; that much, I sort of suspected though I’ve never been sure (and even now, there are at least two options).

But first giving that letter to Mat, and now saying this straight out, to Egwene. Dropping the cover she’s kept for…the entire series and based on her thoughts, a very long time before that…

This is her endgame, somehow. So what is it? And why? Why here and why now and AL;FSLEKAJRS VERIN OH MAN.

“Yes, I thought that might get your attention,” Verin said, smiling.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Next (TGS ch 39) Previous (TGS ch 37)

#NO KIDDING THAT GOT MY ATTENTION #VERINNNNNNN #Wheel of Time #neuxue liveblogs WoT #The Gathering Storm

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unevenoddselijah · 6 years ago

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[ TARJEI SANDVIK MOE, MALE ] is that ELIJAH KOVAC from westmont high? i think that the SIXTEEN year old is a SOPHOMORE. HE is known to be SWEET but also HESITANT which is understandable since i heard they’re referred to as the BEAN. i bet they wouldn’t want anyone to know but HE KNOWS WHERE HIS ABSENT FATHER IS.

Here’s Trasha back at it again with another character. So this is my soft baby Eli, he’s basically a jelly bean. What I’ve written below is literally me just rambling in disjunctive sentences. I’m so sorry. Hmu on discord if you wanna plot with this lil bab.

tw: bipolar disorder, bullying, depression, anxiety

Okokok so he's a sweet lil bean

Either gay or pan?? Can’t decide. Definitely leans closer to gay, though.

He's on the swim team and paints and also does a bit of photography

There's a 99% chance that he has paint on his face/neck/hands somewhere

*and doesn't know it

But is honestly really quiet and shy and probably won't start a conversation himself but once you get him talking he's usually okay

Alexa basically raised him bcs their mom is bipolar and doesn't take her meds

So she was a p shitty mom

Doesn’t treat either of the kids very well

His secret is that he knows where his father is, bcs his dad left when he was a baby. He was on a school trip about a year ago and saw him somewhere. Ivan didn’t see him, but as soon as Elijah got home he googled him and managed to track him down on social media. He hasn’t told anyone that he knows the whereabouts of his father, and hasn’t contacted him yet.

He’s the literal definition of soft

^Hates himself a lot tho so prepare for the feels but he also doesn't talk about that a lot so like good luck

He doesn’t really believe that he deserves to be happy, but also wants everyone else to be happy, so he would never ever do anything that he thinks would hurt someone. Including standing up for himself

He was bullied quite a bit as a child. I think because he’s so gentle and soft, he’s kind of an easy target

Lowkey has depression and anxiety but is in denial

I think that’s everything I can think of right now. I’ll add more as I think of it, but I think this is a pretty good start - hmu if you have any questions, either on discord or on here! (Preferably on discord tho)

Okay so a few connection ideas:

Childhood friends: The name says it all. I don’t imagine Eli has a ton of friends because he’s so quiet, but he’s a great friend and would do literally anything for the people he cares about

Bully: Someone that Eli just can’t seem to get off his back. It can be someone from when they were kids, or someone that bothers him now - doesn’t really matter. He’s pretty easy to pick on

Artsy fartsy: Anyone that also does art, whether it’s photography or painting, or even something that’s not visual art tbh. They probs nerd out together and do that kind of thing while they’re hanging out, idk.

An ex? I really don’t have any specific ideas for this one, mostly because it really depends on the other character. It could have been a great relationship or a terrible one, or even just a fling.

Edit: I think I would actually love to have a fling/hookup type thing for him, especially if it was either really recent or maybe hasn’t happened yet.

#westmontintro

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dilldaydreamer-blog · 6 years ago

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PVT: Family Natters

(Discord RP Between PI and Jude @redstringsandpidgeons ) PI>JH Ah. Jude. Do you have a moment?

JH: YES SIR over JH: HOW MAY I HELP YOU ? over

PI: Oh! It wasn't anything dire. PI: It was actually I suppose a more personal conversation?

JH: OH JH: WHATS UP THEN ? over

PI: I was mostly thinking about the past while. PI: And uh PI: I've already started to lose my nerve and train of thought. PI: I guess I wanted to be open with you because there is a bit of guilty feelings on a matter and it doesn't feel right to not mention it?

JH: ?

PI: I'm an alien. PI: Er...by that I mean I'm carapacian. PI: I'm sorry. I generally try to make it not a very known thing and give everyone the impression I'm also human born and raised on Earth. Partially for work and security reasons. PI: But the truth is I was born on Prospit. PI: Er...cloned on Prospit I guess would be a better term. PI: I only moved to Earth later on in my life.

JH: I THINK I HAD THIS DISCUSSION ALREADY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE JH: AND TECHNICALLY I'M THE ALIEN HERE over JH: I SEE JH: WHY WOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT ? over JH: YOU HAD YOUR REASONS TO HIDE YOUR ORIGINS AND I RESPECT THAT over JH: YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS WATCHING OR HEARING YOUR CONVERSATIONS JH: IF KEEPING A FACADE LIKE THAT HELPS YOU BE COMFORTABLE SO BE IT JH: NEVER LET BIG BROTHER KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE UP TO over JH: THAT SAID JH: THAT MEANS I'M THE ONLY HUMAN AT THE PRECINCT THEN ? over

PI: There's still Egbert.

JH: OH GOOD over

PI: I suppose I feel guilty because for a time it felt like we were building a comradry over our combined human...uh...humaning. PI: And I didn't want to forge any bonds on the backs of deception PI: If it is any consolation, I have spent more time on Earth than I have on Prospit at this point.

JH: OUR RELATIONSHIP WASN'T ONLY BASED ON SUCH A CONNECTION JH: I WOULD BE DIMINISHING IT'S EXTENT BY ONLY RESUMING IT TO THAT MINIMAL DETAIL over JH: BUT SINCE WE ARE HERE ALREADY JH: WHY WOULD YOU DENY YOUR BIRTHPLACE ? over JH: WELL JH: CLONEPLACE over

PI: Well. PI: I could say that it was primarily for work purposes. PI: The prospitian race is very unpopular here on Derse for a multitude of reasons. PI: Working for the law is difficult as is. Working while looking like that which some have spent generations in brutal warfare....extra difficult. PI: But I cannot deny that I. PI: Well. PI: It's a complicated situation.

JH: MAKES SENSE over JH: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO over JH: BUT CAN I ASK YOU THEN JH: IF YOU PARTICIPATED IN THE WAR ? over JH: UNLESS THAT'S TOO PERSONAL over

PI: I did not. PI: I was actually in the first batch of clones that was made after the war's end. PI: Sort of the uh...first generation in the new peaceful time.

JH: I SEE over

PI: But, yes. I wanted you to know because. PI: Well I guess the best way to describe it is I do feel somewhat paternally inclined towards you. PI: Which admittedly may be a byproduct of who and what I am. PI: Which I guess is a fancy way of "it feels uncomfortable to feel like I was lying to you on something like that."

JH: I WAS UNSURE IF YOUR PATERNAL JOKES WERE JUST THAT JH: OR IT WAS FOR REAL over JH: I SEE JH: WELL I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IM NOT MAD THAT I WAS LIED TO JH: IN THIS CASE YOU HAD VERY GOOD REASONS JH: I RESPECT YOU TRYING TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE over

PI: They are a bit of both. PI: I mean I initially started with just it to be friendly jest. PI: But ah...you're very easy to get attached to! Very likable. PI: It's...probably also a bit of a holdover from older coding. PI: Something which would hasten the bonds of familial love since often many new clones would arrive as full adults and need older models to guide them PI: But without the years of raising them from infancy...hard wired shortcuts were added. PI: Which doesn't mean the feelings are disengenuine! Just expedited!

JH: I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THAT JH: I DO NOT DOUBT THEY ARE REAL IF YOU ARE SURE ABOUT IT over JH: BUT I STILL WANT TO KNOW IF YOU EVER REALIZE IT'S JUST A PRODUCT OF YOUR CODING ONE DAY JH: I ALREADY HAVE A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE WITH AN ABSENT AND NOT VERY CARING DAD over JH: DO NOT WISH TO REPEAT SUCH EXPERIENCE over

PI: I had actually wanted to ask about your comfort on such things. PI: Because I realize it may be...horrifyingly awkward? PI: And the last thing I want to do is put you in a spot where you feel presured or uncomfortable because of how I've been acting. PI: Which I guess is also my way of saying if I have been overbearing or uncomfortable...please let me know and I can take effort to curb things on my end.

JH: THE REASON WHY I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT IT JH: IT'S BECAUSE I ACTUALLY FIND YOUR COMPANY AND SUCH TYPE OF APPROACH VERY COMFORTING over JH: I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD TO JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE JH: AND ACTUALLY ADMIT I APPRECIATE YOU AS A FATHERLY FIGURE OF THE SORTS ? over JH: I DONT WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO ADOPT ME OR ANYTHING over JH: NOT LIKE LITERAL ADOPTION JH: BUT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYNG TO SAY ? JH: RIGHT ? over

PI: I understand. PI: I do genuinely enjoy your company. PI: And since I keep saying "I guess this is my way of saying..." PI: I guess this is my way of saying I would like to sort of semi-officially continue on this relationship path with you. PI: No actual pressure, no rush to sign papers or anything, just...see how it goes? PI: There's not much experience on the "Will you be my son" front of hallmark cards I realize. PI: Maybe I should have made one of those little notes wtith the Y / N to circle....

JH: IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF YOU JUST HAD SENT ME THIS over [Enlosed Image: dylm.jpg]

JH: BUT WITH ANOTHER TITLE over JH: TO WHICH I HAVE TO REPLY THAT YES I AM COMFORTABLE WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT JH: AND I HOPE I DO NOT DRIVE YOU AWAY OR DISAPPOINT YOU over

PI: I will save that image for actual adoption paper time should it come to that. :) PI: Also ah, well I would say my reaction would be something of "Huzzah!" or "Yee!" but it feels somewhat innappropriate. PI: So I'll just say I am comfortable with it too and that I too hope I do not drive you away or disappoint you! PI: Son. :D

JH: DOES THIS MEAN I WILL BE A VICTIM OF DAD JOKES ? over

PI: I think we're all the victim for those. PI: Maybe. I'm still new to this whole thing. May be a bit shaky.

JH: I'M SURE MR ELLIOT WILL BE GLAD TO ASSIST YOU IN THIS DAD BUSINESS OF JOKES over

PI: By assist you mean 'make me suffer because he's far more punny than I ever could be' you are correct. PI: But ah! Thank you! I will do my best to not disappoint. PI: Oh...actual business now. PI: I'm going to be taking time in the next few days to try to gather up some of the surveilance footage in some of the hidden cameras I had placed. Also to see if any were damaged in all the situation. Would you like to come along for some of that? PI: Though that will be a little bit after some of the immediate clean-up is taken care of.

JH: MR ELLIOT IS THE MASTER OF PUNS THAT'S TRUE over JH: HM ? JH: OF COURSE SIR JH: JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU NEED ME AND I WILL BE THERE over

PI: Can do! PI: I should get back to work myself now. PI: Thank you for all the help with the reports and organizing things at the precinct. PI: It has made things work a lot more efficiently.

JH: NO PROBLEM SIR JH: I HONESTLY DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON PATROL TODAY ANYWAY JH: PEOPLE ARE STILL VERY STRESSED AND SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN JUST "I'M SORRY" over

PI: That is a very relatable feeling. PI: Sometimes it is best to just take time to focus on tasks that allow you to feel helpful but without extra stress due to social interactions. PI: Keep taking care of yourself, get plenty of rest where you can.

JH: YES OF COURSE JH: YOU TOO MR PEMBROOKE over

#ic private #redstringsandpidgeons #rp log #long heckin post//

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angelofoverwatch · 7 years ago

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{{ So, I’ve had a small absence here, and there’s a good reason why. It’s a lot of OOC, so I’ll put it below a cut to save space on the dash. I’ll tag it too, but there will be talks about hospitals, medical stuff, and diseases. I know that it can be a trigger for some people, so I’d rather be safe than sorry. }}

If you’re reading this far in, it means you wanna know more, so I’ll proceed with the less desirable details. My mom has Crohn’s Disease. I’d explain it in full detail, but my internet is a bit too unstable for me to take a lot of time with that. And Google can probably explain/show you better than I could. In short, it’s an inflammatory bowel disease that can affect anything in your digestive track, from mouth to posterior. It varies from person to person on where affected areas can be and how long severe flare ups can last, but it’s an incredibly painful disease to deal with; not just the disease itself but the testing/procedures/surgeries as well. I talk about this because I was finishing up my Sunday night D&D session (was quite literally wrapping up a conversation on Discord about it) when I got a phone call from my mom. I excused myself from Discord to talk to her, but I could barely hear her. She was so horribly sick that she could barely talk, her throat hoarse from so much vomiting. She said she needed me to go with her to the Mayo Clinic. I was already up from my chair before she could say more. We live in Minnesota, so the huge ass hospital is only a two hour drive for me, about three and a half hours for her. My stepdad picked me up with my mom already in the vehicle and we went. It’s been a lot of back and forth since then between being in the ER, them not keeping her, her symptoms worsening at the hotel, and the ER taking her back in and soon admitting her. She hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink in four days. Four days. Her migraines were awful (from a previous injury and likely due to malnutrition) as well. It’s been such a hectic week for me, but it seems like things are starting to wind down. She ate some basic food (jello, ice cream, pop) last night and while she didn’t vomit, there was plenty of blood clots and other things that passed through her uncontrollably during the night. The thing is that this supposedly isn’t a Crohn’s episode, which I think my mom realizes because she knows her disease best. Still, where it’s affecting her is way up her digestive track--just at the bottom of her esophagus. Her Crohn’s is located by her ileum in her small intestines. I’m just sitting here at the hotel now, a small respite after the go, go, go of the week, taking a breather and just thinking things through. It’s been...stressful, but for her, I can do anything in the world, including whatever it takes to ensure she’s thoroughly cared for and is as comfortable as possible. I’m just so nervous and worried for what’s to come, but I know she’s in good hands. She’s actually a patient for a case study on Crohn’s at the Mayo, so I have to imagine she’s being monitored carefully. A daughter’s just gotta worry no matter what though. Anyway, I’ve vented long enough. I’m super spent and it helped to get this all out to you guys and explain why I’ve been absent. I’m hoping to be going home soon, but I’ve no idea when. Maybe tonight or tomorrow if they get her discharged, though there’s still the matter of lab results on the blood clots as well as her making an appointment for a procedure called a double balloon enteroscopy that will be specifically for her Crohn’s. Bah. Again, I’m really sorry for the sudden poof, but in fairness I only had fifteen minutes to get dressed and pack a bag before I was out the door. I’ll do what I can when I get home again as far as replies are concerned. I have a tiny bit of time at the hotel before I gotta go back to the hospital, but I’m so exhausted as well as too leery of this spotty connection to hold. Thanks for your patience everyone, and thank you so much if you even read this far. I’ll be back at it soon enough. Tl;dr is that I’m a sleepy, concerned lass who has a mammy in worse for wear conditions at a hospital.

#tw hospital #tw blood #tw medical #tw diseases #tw not eating #tw crohns #tw vomit #oofta lots of trigger tags #but i wanna be careful #ugh #i've had #such a long week #i'm so sorry for my absence #{{ooc}}#{the doctor is out}

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bokocho · 7 years ago

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Balance (SFW)

A special thanks to Fuzzy (@weapons-grade-spork) from the FFXV and Chill Discord! *waves*

Also somewhat inspired by the image found here: wHEEZE

Getting belted upside the head with a lance was, honestly, not a bad trade-off for seeing a sweaty Ignis Scientia pant for breath.

Granted, right now you were seeing two of him, and your head felt ring-y, but his vest and shirt were open and droplets were cascading down his chest and you were pretty sure somewhere under the mild concussion that human beings were not supposed to be this stupidly attractive.

The sparring match had started because you had been punching away at a sand-stuffed heavy bag while Ignis practiced behind you, all swift flips and graceful twists. When you caught sight of him in the mirrors on the back wall, you had stopped beating up the poor bag and turned to him.

“Does any of that actually do anything?”

“Any of what?” He inquired as he stepped into a cartwheel, his lance held tight to his right thigh.

“The… gymnastics.” You gestured to him; he had finished his rotation and was turning into a circular slash.

“I believe so, yes.” Ignis paused in his routine to roll his shoulders. His lance disappeared in a twinkle of light. “It’s a form of Accordan martial arts. The circuitous motion serves the twofold purpose of keeping the fighter from losing momentum and distracting the opponent.”

You uncapped your water and took a long drink, wiping the sweat off your forehead with your arm. “I’m not sure you’d be able to distract me, ninja-flippy-shit aside. I watch you fight all the time.” He was, however, perfectly able to distract you with everything else: his leaf-green eyes, his barely-there smile, his blind-siding tenderness. He didn’t even seem to realize how charming he was.

Ignis smiled faintly and your heart thudded. “Perhaps, but we will not know unless we try. Why not a match? If my recollection is correct, you usually train with Gladio around this time.”

“Yeah, but he’s not here today.” You huffed. Training alone was significantly less fun than going toe-to-toe with the Prince’s Shield, who was six-and-a-half feet of solid muscle and relentless cleverness. He didn’t look it, but he was a tricky opponent.

You had been surprised by Ignis’ presence in the gym. He usually trained early in the morning and was gone before you and Gladio showed up.

Ignis’ voice broke into your thoughts. “While I make a poor substitute for him, I will gladly offer a demonstration of my own abilities.” His lance reappeared in his hand and he nodded to you, settling into a stance.

“You’re not a poor substitute for anyone, Igs. Alright, let’s do this,” you said, summoning your gauntlets. In a flash of pale blue, they materialized on your hands. Setting your feet apart and dropping your shoulders, you prepared for a charge.

When you lunged, Ignis slipped aside, the tip of his lance arcing up toward your chest. You batted the blade aside, stepped in, and took a major-league swing. He flicked his body back and your fist passed harmlessly in front of his face, ruffling his hair.

The follow-through carried you a few feet past him, and his lance sang after you. While you weren’t slow, you were also a power fighter-- your primary method of dealing with enemies was to punch them until they stopped moving. Iggy’s main technique was to effortlessly and elegantly demolish them. He was faster than Gladio, his weapon a blur, and when the edge caught your gauntlet just above your wrist you actually staggered.

Okay. You might love this man to distraction, but it was time to stop pulling your punches-- literally.

You clenched your fists and your gauntlets groaned. Ignis’ eyebrows rose, and then you were in his space. You slugged him in the abdomen, knocking him clear off his feet. He caught himself, partially on his lance and partially on one arm, and put distance between you with a few backflips. He felt his belly and winced.

“Not working so well now, is it?” You asked, raising a hand to him. “All I have to do is wallop you and the fancy stuff is useless.” The surge of pride you felt was tempered heavily by worry; what if you had really hurt him?

Ignis cut his cool green eyes up to yours. He rested his lance in the crook of his elbow, and his fingers went to the buttons of his vest.

Your mouth fell open, but you disguised it by pretending to yawn. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!

He made swift work of the vest and then the shirt under it, and you were obscenely distracted by the nimbleness of his hands, until both were hanging open.

He was just hot. That was all. He wasn’t actually trying to kill you by giving you some kind of aneurysm. You hoped.

And then his lance whacked you in the side of the head, because you had noticed there was a single drop of sweat sliding down his throat to roll lazily over his collarbone, and you sat down heavily.

Which was how you ended up sitting there, gazing up at the flush of exertion high on Ignis’ cheeks, the soft gasp of his breath as his shoulders rose and fell in gentle waves. He must have pushed himself very hard, to cross the distance so quickly.

This man. This caring, devoted, steel-willed, endlessly patient, intriguing man.

You loved him so much your chest ached.

You gathered your legs under you and tackled him. Your gauntlets has already dematerialized, so when your arms came around his neck you didn’t accidentally punch him in the back of the head.

Ignis made an astonished noise and over-balanced. His lance slipped out of his hand and disappeared as his arms came around your back, but it was too late, and he hit the floor with a grunt that was muffled by your lips. He went, somehow, redder.

You broke the kiss and leaned up a bit. He was frozen, crimson from his forehead to his throat, breathless. His glasses had begun to fog up from the proximity.

Smiling down at him, you scratched at the back of your neck. His wide eyes followed your fingers; always one with an eye for details, even when taken unawares. He swallowed audibly.

You leaned down. Ignis’ lips parted; he leaned up to meet you.

You rubbed the tip of your nose against his. He blinked owlishly.

And then you leaned your forehead on his. ".... I... uh.... I kind of love you. A lot." You shut your eyes; you said it, you finally said it, you could now die in peace. Never mind you were sitting on a sweaty, blushing Ignis. Who you really, really should let up. Like, now.

The post-head-trauma haziness was beginning to fade. You licked your lip; it tasted like lip balm.

...Wait. You just told Ignis you loved him. You had kissed him.

You jumped off of him like you’d been tazed, and the sudden motion brought with it a stabbing headache that just about knocked you unconscious.

Iggy's glasses slid down off his nose. He was obviously dumbfounded. You couldn’t recall his expression ever being quite so easy to read.

Haltingly, he reached out to touch your knee, stopping at the last second before his fingertips brushed your skin. Then he murmured in an awe-struck tone, “I never thought you would feel the same..."

You gawked at him. He gazed back, watching the gears in your head turn with titanic slowness. After about ten seconds of total silence broken only by the beating of your heart, your face and ears burned scarlet.

The moment he spotted the color flooding your face, a smile curled Ignis’ lips. Before he could stop it, he snorted with laughter and started giggling. “What a pair we make. Blushing like children…” He was laughing, and it was a sound that set your racing heart to skipping.

“So. Uh. You. Hmm.... Uhm. Would you mind... you know, saying, er, it?" You twisted your fingers like balloon animals in your lap. You did keep eye-contact, in spite of the overwhelming urge to look anywhere else. Ignis’ eyes kept you transfixed.

Iggy sighed fondly through his nose, the soft smile never leaving his face. He pushed himself up with a wince and walked over, offering a gloved hand. “I love you. I... am glad to finally be able to tell you my feelings, even if this confession was not… what I expected."

When you took his hand, he helped you to your feet but did not let go. Instead, he tipped your head up with a finger under your chin.

“While unexpected, please believe me when I say… all of this is most welcome.” Ignis leaned close, breathing his words against your lips. “Come now. You require medical attention. Once you have been seen to, we can talk about potential futures. I am sorry I hurt you.”

“I’m alright,” you said absently, and before you really meant to you were kissing him again, and Ignis made a warm noise of appreciation.

“I suppose a potion will suffice,” he muttered, then shook his head hard. “Head wounds are serious. We will see a doctor, and then…” Ignis blushed a bit. “I would like to take you to dinner.”

You mumbled what sounded like an affirmation against his mouth. He melted, pulling you closer. Reluctantly he broke the kiss. “You won’t sway me… If I must carry you out of here, I will.”

“Do we have to?” You whined. You wanted nothing more than to smother Ignis with kisses.

He had a singularly longing expression that communicated the same. “Once you have a clean bill of health, we can continue.” Lacing his fingers with yours, Ignis led you out of the gymnasium toward the Kingsglaive clinic.

#Ignis #ignis scientia #ffxv #ffxv headcanons #ffxv fanfiction #FF15 Headcanons #ff15 fanfiction #sfw

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