#and sometimes she still resents it all!!!!!
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its never enough
barca femeni x platonic!alexia putellas x reader
summary: the team had to intervene after seeing the amount of things you own
warnings: overconsumption, financial issues, childhood trauma, angst
you’ve always been a fighter, y/n.
growing up in a small, cramped apartment with not much more than a kitchen table and a flickering television, you learned early on how to make the most out of little. your world was filled with the sounds of exhaustion: the tired creaks of your mother’s joints as she came back from long shifts, the gentle rumbling of your stomach as you lay in bed at night wondering if tomorrow would bring a meal or just another day of uncertainty.
when you were younger, you were happy because you didn't know better. there was no one to tell you that many other kids didn't go through the poverty that you had to go through.
there were nights when you would curl up under a thin blanket, feeling the hunger gnaw at your insides, wishing for just a slice of bread or orange juice to ease the ache.
your mother worked tirelessly, holding down two jobs and often coming home with her eyes clouded from exhaustion, but she always made sure you had at least one decent meal a day, even if that meant sacrificing her own. the smell of burnt rice or old beans became an ordinary experience, an echo of sacrifices made out of love.
she sacrificed a lot, even if you started to resent her after seeing all of the rich kids at your school with no worries about when they're going to eat next.
you remember the days when you would sneak out to the local park, pretending that the kids from the academy didn’t have talking points that revolved around the latest gear or shiny new sneakers. you wore the same worn-out cleats for years that you found in a thrift store, and while those shoes may have drawn odd glances, they also pushed you to play harder, to train longer.
those white colored adidas cleats of yours slowly turned yellow and green overtime due to the grass stains.
the first time you were signed to an academy, it was through scholarships. you took public transport (sometimes without paying) back and forth from home to the academy from 6am to 9pm.
that’s where it all began—out in the sun-kissed fields—the heartbeat of your journey. every dribble, every sprint, made you feel alive. the coaches quickly noticed your raw talent; your feet danced like a lyrical melody, weaving in and out of opponents with fairy-tale grace.
they’d call you into training sessions meant for the older girls and suddenly, you found yourself in a world where your poverty didn’t define you.
many of the nice coaches offered to pick you up from your home in the poor neighborhoods outside of your city, knowing that they couldn't afford to not have you on the pitch.
those were the fabrics of the beautiful game that would one day pull you from those struggling days into a life of unimaginable opportunity.
your childhood academy, once you graduated high school, called you up to the senior team. the salary was small but it was enough to finally see breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day instead of sacrificing one or the other. sometimes, you're lucky that you still have muscle and strength for someone who was not eating enough.
fast forward to after you turned nineteen, a year after your first senior team callup from your childhood club.. you were standing in the hallowed halls of barcelona, far away from home.
the weight of your dreams now intertwined with the club’s crest stitched delicately onto your new jersey. barcelona had been keeping an eye on you for years.
the contract you signed with the catalan team was something you could hardly comprehend—it felt surreal, almost like playing in a fantasy. the money you received dwarfed anything you had imagined during those starving nights as a child. suddenly, you had means far beyond what you had deemed possible.
the first time the signing bonus hit your account, you stared at the numbers blinking feverishly on your screen, unable to process it. the world opened up before you like a child’s storybook, each page filled with opportunity. and so, you rented a bright little apartment in the heart of barcelona, sunlight pouring through oversized windows, casting warm hues upon your brand-new life.
it felt like a fresh canvas; you could paint it any color you desired. and paint it you did—perhaps too much.
at first, it felt liberating. a new superpuff jacket from aritiza? an absolute must. four different colors? obviously, because how could you choose just one jacket? each item in the store beckoned to you like love notes, whispering promises of happiness that you’d long been denied.
body washes in five different scents? a practical necessity because—how could you ever pick just one that felt right? you bought them all, bringing home bags filled with excitement and haste, giggling as you unwrapped each item in your sunny living room, often spilling the contents across your pristine floor in a flurry, and marveling at your newfound abundance.
having a space to yourself where the shelves were always stocked, the floors were always cleaned, and the heater actually working was something that gave you more peace than you expected.
sometimes, looking around your apartment often made you realize that the walls were suffocating under the weight of your possessions. clothes spilled from closets, shoes lined the hallway and your closets, and accessories filled every surface; a delightful chaos really, yet one that made your heart race with a strange sort of anxiety.
you owned everything you ever wanted, but somehow, it still felt like a little too much.
your relationship with your teammates blossomed, particularly with alexia. she was a guiding light for you; her encouraging words sculpted you into a more confident player, and her laughter felt like a reminder that you were not alone in this world.
she took you in after seeing how much potential you had for a twenty year old. the way you'd tackle world-class forwards like you had ten years of experience under your belt was something that caught the spanish woman off guard.
at barcelona, you gained the closest companion in your life, esmee, your best friend.
esmee visited your apartment frequently, often gaping at the sheer amount of items you owned, her eyes wide as she stepped over a particularly extravagant pair of heels that you probably haven’t worn once.
“y/n, do you really need all of this?” esmee asked playfully during one of her visits, standing at the entrance as if she were an unwitting tourist exploring a museum filled with ridiculous wonders.
“of course! look at this,” you laughed, sliding on a pair of trendy sunglasses you had bought just that week.
“i could be a runway model with these prada ones.”
esmee chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief, careful not to trip over the plethora of colorful items sprawled about.
the dutch places her jacket in her walk-in closet, hoping to not mix it up with all of your other ones. seriously, it looked like a whole family lived in your apartment instead of yourself.
“the fashion runway maybe, but i genuinely wonder how many outfits you have.”
as the months went on, whispers began to circulate amongst the team, drawing a bit of humorous attention.
mapi once teasingly commented to alexia, “you know, i’ve never seen y/n in the same outfit twice. it’s like she has a new look every single day!”
alexia raised an eyebrow, thinking back to the countless intricate combinations you’d flaunted during practice and the matches that followed.
“are you serious?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.
“you think she actually has that many clothes?”
“esmee and i were talking,” mapi continued, her lips curling into a smirk,
“and we noticed that y/n always has new shoes, new clothing, she's always walking by with a new fragrance scent—it's hard to keep track. i don’t get it.”
the curiosity started to whirl in alexia’s mind. she respected you immensely and admired your skills, but now she felt a tug towards something deeper. the urge to check in, to see if this was just youthful exuberance or something more.
so, she decided to probe a bit further, casually nudging esmee one afternoon while both of them waited for practice to begin.
“does y/n have, like, spending habits?” alexia asked casually to esmee, pretending to tie her shoelaces, her expression deceptively nonchalant.
“not that it’s any of my business– nevermind.. who am i kidding, it is because i need to watch out for her.”
esmee looked a bit uneasy, weighing her words carefully.
“you know, she does get a lot of packages delivered to her apartment,” she admitted after a short pause.
“it worries me a little. she’s got a lovely place, but, um, some of the things she buys are expensive—like that vintage prada jacket she flaunts all the time.”
alexia nodded, her mind racing at the thought.
“okay, but how does she really feel about it? do you think she realizes it’s become…well, a problem?”
“i don’t want to start anything,” esmee replied quickly, clearly hesitant.
“but…i’ve noticed some little things here and there.”
a few days passed. you found yourself bustling through your apartment, obsessively tidying up as you waited for a batch of brownies to finish baking. the sweet aroma was filling the air, comforting and familiar, hard to resist.
you had always loved experimenting in the kitchen since having your own space. growing up, you had no idea what brownies were until your childhood academy threw an, "end of the season" party for getting top of the league. they were delicious, but you knew that your mother at the time only had enough to feed your rice, chicken, and pinto beans.
a knock broke your reverie. you wiped your hands on a dish towel and opened the door, revealing alexia dressed casually in a simple t-shirt and sweats, looking relaxed yet focused. she stepped in, offering you a warm smile.
“hey, y/n!"
"ale!!" you say, hugging her before leading her into your apartment.
"whats that smell? are those brownies?” ale asked, stepping over a pair of athletic shorts you’d carelessly discarded near your living room.
“mind if I grab one?”
“sure! they’re almost ready!” you chirped, feeling a bit of giddiness wash over you.
as you neglected the untidy piles around you to shuffling around the kitchen, you could feel alexia’s gaze wander.
she noticed your open closet door by your front door, she didn't notice the amount of jackets and shoes you had stored in there when she first walked in.
alexia knew that you didn't have a roommate, you or esmee would've told her. all of those items belong to you.
the older woman turned to you, her expression turning serious.
“y/n, listen,” she began slowly,
“i wanted to talk about something.”
you froze for a moment, piecing together the gravity of her tone. the brownies, still cooling, were suddenly secondary to her serious demeanor.
“what’s up?” you asked with a slight frown, putting the tray down on your kitchen island to focus on her.
“i’ve been meaning to bring this up,” she said, taking a deep breath.
“i heard some things about your, uh, spending habits, y/n. i think it might be good for us to talk about it?”
you instinctively shook your head, the edges of denial creeping in.
“my spending habits? what do you mean?” you asked, your voice suddenly edged with defensiveness.
you hoped that your bedroom door was locked, you thought inside of your head. that would’ve gave away all of your issues that alexia is concerned about.
“it’s not like i’m, you know, drowning in debt or anything.”
“i—I know that,” alexia kept her eyes locked with yours, her gaze gentle yet unyielding.
“but y/n, it’s a lot. i want to make sure you’re okay. i mean, it’s easy to go a bit overboard when you’ve finally got the chance to buy things you’d never dreamed of.”
“what do you mean? it’s not overboard,” you insisted, crossing your arms.
“i grew up fine, really, i am not–”
“y/n, please don’t lie to make yourself feel better.”
“alexia–i–i just…i like looking nice, and it’s not just about the clothes. it’s—you know, it makes me feel good.”
“trust me, i get that, really.” alexia's voice softened, understanding behind her words.
“but don’t you think all of this,” alexia points to all of your shoes in the hallway leading to your bedroom.
“could be something more? an underlying problem?”
your heart suddenly felt heavy.
“underlying problem? what are you saying, alexia?” the defensiveness you felt turned to an urgent need to protect the parts of yourself that had been so fragile for so long—the parts that still whispered fears of never being able to escape your past.
“i know how you grew up,” alexia said gently, the weight of her words settling like a blanket between you.
“almost everyone on the team knows, y/n. and it’s okay. we all love you but you don’t have to be afraid of going back there—I promise, you’re safe now.”
you shifted uncomfortably, grappling with the urge to retreat, but alexia’s words were like a balm, soothing your frayed edges. yet, discussing your financial problems felt almost impossible.
“it’s hard for me,” you finally admitted, almost a whisper.
“i’m scared, okay? scared that i’ll get back to being that poor little girl who was always hungry ale…i don’t want to be that person again, even if it was years ago.”
alexia stepped closer, her eyes radiating kindness.
“y/n, you don’t have to live in fear anymore. you can have the nice things you’ve always wanted, but maybe you should think about getting a financial advisor? someone who can help you save, invest, and still enjoy life? you really can have both.”
you pondered her words, the idea gently pulling at your heartstrings, unsure of how you could intertwine the idea of safety with spending.
“i don’t want to give everything up,” you breathed.
“i just…I don’t want to feel like i’m back there—not again.”
“you won’t,” she assured you.
“you have the power to change, and you did. you can still get nice things, you deserve that since you work hard on the pitch with us– but maybe focus on less quantity and more quality? your childhood doesn’t have to dictate your future, y/n. believe me. you can have the nice things you still want.”
you nodded slowly, feeling a sense of warmth envelop you.
“maybe that’s true,” you whispered.
“you don’t need to hide your past either, y/n. many of us did not grow up with a lot of dinero either. aitana’s family suffered while she was growing up, same situation as you but you didn't have the politics involved.” alexia lightly smiled, hoping to see you less scared of the conversation.
“oh,” you said, leaning your arms against the kitchen island across alexia sitting on your stool.
“i am just saying that all of this stuff and the idea of buying it will only last temporarily. you do not want to spend so much money to the point where you’re broke. i have an idea on how much your salary is at barca and with adidas, its a lot and you should not blow through that much money in one month.” alexia and you giggled at her last sentence.
“i know, and i’m sorry.”
“don’t apologize to me, you didn’t do anything to me. i’ll set you up with the financial advisor i have and we will put you on the right track okay? maybe a therapist at barca too?”
“anything you think will help me, capi.” you leaned against alexia for a hug.
masterlist
#barcelona women#barcelona fc#fc barcelona#barcelona femeni#woso fanfics#woso community#woso x reader#alexia putellas#ingrid engen#esmee brugts#mapi leon#aitana bonmati
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I just think Tallulah gets to be upset about this. “It’s not Wilbur’s fault” “He’s not a bad dad” “He loves his daughter so much” yes! These are all true! And it’s not his fault! But he’s still not there. And Tallulah has gone through so much and still hasn’t seen him, the one time he was around was the one time she wasn’t, and all she has are letters and “I’m thinking of you always” and things that used to be theirs together, but he’s still not there. She’s waited and she’s been patient and she’s loved him all the same, and he’s still not there. Like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, from the happy milestones to the traumatic events, he’s still not there.
She knows that it’s not his fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s absent. That in and of itself just adds to the sorrow, because she knows why he’s gone, and she’s been told time and time again it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, she knows this - it doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting, that it doesn’t hurt, that she doesn’t yearn for her father to be there more than anything in the world, and he’s just not there.
So yes, she gets to be upset, and be caustic, and stomp her feet and write bitter messages, and be angry and vitriolic, because she’s a little girl missing her father, who feels things with her whole heart and soul - and that means she gets to feel the ugly parts of it, too.
#it’s like no wilbur isn’t at fault. especially if we’re talking about cc wilbur. but fuck man of course she’s gonna feel like this#this doesn’t make wilbur a bad person! he’s just a missing one. and Tallulah feels all the misery and bitterness as a daughter left behind#where is her father kissing her injuries and reassuring her? where is her father protecting her? hugging her at the end of the day?#Wil isn’t around to do this and she wants him back and he’s not going to be back. not for a while. and it’s not his fault but it doesn’t#stop it from being upsetting. she’s a little girl#and at least she has phil. her dad. who’s there time and time again. and it doesn’t make him somehow morally better or wtevr. he’s there an#Wil is not. and he’s going to continue to be there as a solid figure in tallulahs life that she needs#idk man like. fuck#lmao relating my own experiences from here below in the tags ✌️#as someone who’s been in that position? a parent absent for reasons outside of control? yeah it’s sucks. and I love them and they love me#*with a parent I mean I wasn’t the parent lmao#and it will never be the same. and when they were gone and missing things I was furious at them#that resentment grows and then it fades and sometimes bitterness strikes again and it’s how it goes. love is still there#and it’s no one’s fault. it just is. and what is is messy#anyways#mcyt#qsmp#q!tallulah#q!wilbur#z speaks
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Marisha's comment about how Relvin is one of those parents who ended up with a child they didn't know what to do with really gets to the heart of it, i think, and is such a good way to tie the fantasy element of Imogen's powers into things more tangible. because there are really a lot of parents like Relvin in real life, who have a child with the person they're happily married to and never expect to be left alone with the kid. or who expect a ""normal"" (read: cisgender and heterosexual, able-bodied, relatively neurotypical and obedient, etc.) child and end up with one who's ""difficult"", who demands more or different of them than what they believe they signed up for. and that's not entirely entitlement on a parent's part- many cultures' common frameworks of parenthood and child-rearing do not include space for these children. it makes sense that Relvin was unprepared. raising any child is difficult, and raising a child whose needs you were never taught how to accommodate, who the world is so cruel to, is even more challenging.
and yet. and yet, the person who bears the brunt of the harm in these situations will always be the child. they're the ones who have to live every moment of how the world treats them, without the support that their parent is supposed to provide them. and when asked to care for his child even when she turned out to be ""difficult"", Relvin couldn't. for entirely sympathetic reasons, of course. he tried, in his own way. i don't think he's a bad guy. but he's let his own broken heart bleed onto his daughter. he hasn't been able to give her much else.
#imogen temult#critical role#cr#cr3#like it's really sad what happened to relvin we all know this. but seeing how dani scrambled over herself last night#to clarify that she DOESN'T think relvin is an awful person just bc she thinks he's a shitty dad made me feel for her so much bc like.#sometimes the Posts. about him. feel a little “why do bash dead beat dads but never question if the kid has bad vibes.” so.#especially in comparison to liliana who is 1. worse than relvin 2. still sympathetic 3. more interesting to a nearly comical degree#and while he gets so much sympathy On Here ppl mostly post abt her to wish for her death or call her a bitch. so!#parenting talk is a minefield bc some ppl resent the idea that a child deserves anything more from a parent than basic needs being met#and refuse to include emotional needs among them. so like idk if that's your thing i don't rlly give a shit man#crposting#cr meta
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Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on that…#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#it’s complicated it’s not completely Holt’s fault#like she can’t control what happened she can’t bring back her bioresonance she’s a medical eule not a miracle worker#she’ll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holt’s part bc she’s really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc they’re both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (she’s a nerdddd <3)#however it’s weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when they’re together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesn’t have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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jandy nelson, i'll give you the sun | jean anouilh tr, by lewis galantière | @soulinkpoetry | trista mateer, the dogs i have kissed | the bible
#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#the concept of having a complicated relationship with one's sibling.#because ryuuji was the second born and thus the responsibility of taking care of him was given to misao most of the time she found herself-#being jealous of him sometimes. and misao felt very guilty because of this but she just wanted to be a kid for a moment. so sometimes she-#would imagine that she was ryu instead of herself and their roles were reversed because misao would just get so overwhelmed with things-#that this was the only way she could cope with it at times. which is sad in every sense of the word but misao knew that it wasn't ryu's-#fault at all that thing's were this way. it wasn't anyone's fault really but it was so much easier to place the blame on him subconsciously#sometimes because the alternative was blaming herself for not being strong enough to be both a caretaker and a child at the same time.#and that was perhaps even harder for her to think about because misao has always strived to be perfect. and i mean this in everything-#she does. she wants to be the 'perfect psychotherapist' the 'perfect lover' the 'perfect friend' and it is a LOT of pressure to be honest-#to be putting on yourself especially when you are not fully equipped to open yourself up to people about how you are struggling because-#you've dealt with things on your own all your life. but yeah. misao might've felt resentment towards ryuuji even though it was misplaced-#though she also felt a great deal of platonic love towards him and even if the whole world were against him then she'd still be on his side#but misao has been out of contact with him for the longest time and doesn't even know if he is alive anymore. and she is kind of scared-#to inquire someone to find out for her like a private investigator or something. because i think misao would not be able to take both her-#mom and her half-brother dying because at the end of the day ryuuji is her last remaining family member. and he understood her-#in ways that even she couldn't understand herself.
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Man if Marcy keeps ending up with like child protection services in all these fics over her parents being slightly distant then my parents should be in JAIL
#idk if I'm wording it correctly but this goes hand in hand with some posts I#I've made abt Marcy's parents not being super great but also not being like...#like i didn't imagine them as outright abusive or deserving of losing custody over her#and people kept reblogging them and tagging them as abuse?? 😭😭#like if THAT is abuse. then what the fuck what up at my house#c'mon! her parents growing to kinda hate her because they couldn't stand her personality and failing to fulfill her emotional needs#while still always making sure she always had her material needs met#and doing their best not to blow up at her#resulting in them always acting mildly annoyed towards her#is not *really* abuse. right? like that's just how pretty much every parent feels tbh#like i've never seen a parent who genuinely likes their kids. every parent i know is either sick of them or morbidly depressed#like wondering why the hell they chose this life for themselves#some parents are just better at being optimistic and focusing on the nice parts than others#but not all have the mental fortitude to smile through the disgust and resentment they feel all the time#which tbh is an inhumane thing to ask from a person. parents are humans too and there's only so much a person can repress#i'm convinced parents like the boonchuys only exist in fiction#i just imagine Marcy's parents as being average parents who just don't always have the patience a kid like Marcy needs#like over here my parents are breaking my assistive devices and spying on me while i'm in the bathroom and I never considered that abuse#i just used to drive them insaneeeee back in the day lol#just like with friends and couples. sometimes parents and their kids aren't meant for each other y'know? and maybe that's just Marcy's case#i do know that's my case#but strangers online are here crying abuse for less#so now i'm like. hehehehe. say what now#personal
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margaret atwood, the year of the flood // han kang, human acts // may sarton, a durable fire: poems // tracie macvean, claustrophobia // george r.r. martin, a game of thrones // anne sexton, a self portrait in letters // ada limón, the echo sounder: lucky wreck // mary oliver, summer morning // robert mora, untitled // laurie halse anderson, speak
#I AM HERE BECAUSE I AM BUNNY MASK: character study.#tw: allusions to forced captivity.#web weaving.#what it felt like to be trapped underground for centuries for bunny mask and how it made her feel whenever she was liberated from the cave.#how she feels a sense of resentment towards whatever / whoever put her there whether it is god or some other higher being.#she is still haunted by the time she spent there despite her not being awake for some of it / her falling into a hibernation-like state.#after getting freed bunny mask still lives in the cave out of necessity... but it is not a comfortable living arrangement at all.#bunny mask sometimes has nightmares that she has been sealed in the cave again. it has left it's mark on her emotionally.#needless to say bunny was so thankful whenever tyler liberated her from her imprisonment#and this is because she didn't know whether she could take being alone / the silence anymore.
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hey fujii do you wanna hear about a silly little thing i thought of earlier. so you know how in red/blue rescue team, eevee used to be in the "naive" category, whereas in explorers of sky, it's in the "jolly" category? it made me think about ribbons, specifically because of how the rescue team personality test describes the naive trait.
in rescue team, the naive type is described to be someone whos highly curious, and someone who likes rare things. their cheerful and carefree make everything fun for the people around them, but they also have the flaw of being childish, never sitting still, and always being on the move. (it also says that they might be selfish but i dont see that applying to ribbons tbh..)
it seems so oddly fitting for ribbons because her personality does show those traits in particular. she's a silly little thing and her bright cheery personality, and she is childish to some extent. and of course, can't forget her curiosity. especially with how curious she got when it came to dusknoir. and of course, we can't forget about the *actual* definition of naive. naivety in the sense of choosing to believe that dusknoir, despite how his aura flared with malice, bared no ill intent. to think that someone who is so great, so wise, so kind and caring could ever be capable of shattering her world apart.. that was naive. because she believed he was what she thought he was, and because it was her naivety that nearly got her and aimilios killed. you'd think she'd have learned from the drowzee incident where two kids displaying trust in a spur-of-the-moment stranger who coincidentally showed them kindness in their misfortune was a mistake, but i suppose that's what being a naive little child does to you.
(anyways im sorry if this sounds incoherent and out of the blue. have a good day)
DONT YOU DARE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. THE JOLLY AND NAIVE NATURES FIT MY GIRL SO WELL. (Unhinged rant in tags)
#your description for Naive is like a rocket launcher to the chest#THAT… PLUS JOLLY… (Laughing and crying with ease/over-emotional) IS JUST. IT’S HER!! THAT’S MY GIRL!!!#JUST… EVERYTHING ABT THIS. I CANT EVEN ADD ON.#Her naivety being her downfall/falling out with Dusknoir is so heartbreaking#no doubt the times she was happily laying on his neck ruffs; feeling safe and sound— she’d recieve D.Screams that told her the opposite#Telling her to run; to confront him— anything. but she doesn’t. Hell; the girl doesn’t even question him.#(She looks towards Corphish with an annoyed glance when he questions Dusknoir. He did nothing but good for the town. It’s stupid.)#This. plus her past with him in the paralyzed future (although she can’t remember)— expells all doubts in her mind.#She was so relieved watching his float down to the second floor of Wigglytuff’s guild. She wanted to approach him right then and there#And not only that— when they begin to talk to eachother�� he isn’t annoyed? he actually humors her? listens to her stupid jokes?#even snarking back whenever she jabbed at him? (Something that made everyone in treasure town look in HORROR.)#only for Dusknoir to reply with a quip of his own? Even when he does get momentarily miffed by her rudeness? he still decides to stay?#Ribbons loved him; to put it lightly. She loved that she finally had someone other than Aimilios.#She loved that he actually stuck around her on his own merit. and didn’t treat her like some pest.#She loved that he didn’t even mind her lack of intellect. sometimes even offering to to slow down and help the dwarf Eeveewith her studies#so at the End of the Day. When he utters those damned six words? before pulling her and Aimilios in?#Her world is shattered. and she resents him for years.#(Insecurity also kicks in; wondering if he was secretly laughing at her jokes and enjoying her company#…we’re all lies. and that he was merely tolerating her. before killing her.)#She killed any and every feeling that told her to distrust the revenant. putting her full faith in Dusknoir#and what did he repay her unyielding trust and naivety with?#a backstab wound. right through her spine and through her chest.
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Thinking about how there's a lot more ghosts wandering Mondstadt in the Archon Dvalin AU than usual because Venti is usually the one sending off spirits into the afterlife and well. he's kinda stuck on that side post-Cataclysm
At first there weren't any because they just followed Venti, but afterwards there were some that still lingered and the number just kept piling up over the centuries. Many did eventually go on their own, but there's just more that didn't want to or simply couldn't
Dvalin doesn't know how to send them off, no one really showed him how and he doubts that even if he knew, he probably couldn't. Still, whenever a spirit decides to show themself, he stays with them for a bit, just to alleviate their burdens even a little and maybe help them find enough peace
It's probably another thing that eats at him alive because he couldn't even help those that he failed to protect, no matter how much most of them say it isn't his fault
And then, after the whole reconciliation with Celio thing, one of the lingering spirits asks him for a song. Before, he might've gently turned down the request, but after everything, he decided he might as well
Dvalin starts singing an old song he loved. Singing it had been painful, once, considering it was made as a duet and having to listen to the silent answer just brought him nothing but grief. Now, there's a sort of peace to how the breeze and the sound of nature fill in the gaps and pauses.
Over the course of the song, more and more ghosts come to listen. By the end of it, Dvalin opens his eyes to see most of them disappear, not in terms of hiding away like usual but rather beginning to dissolve into light as they finally move on
The last one to leave was the one who requested a song. She turns to smile at him. "I suppose I can finally tell that bard how much you've grown," she says before finally dissipating into the wind
#anemo archon dvalin au#I wanted to post hurt/comfort so I dusted off one of my drafts and added the comfort part#anyway yeah the last ghost was from the Cataclysm and probably met Venti briefly when they were still both alive#and then she met him again as he was gathering up all the dead so they could go together#but then she takes one look at Dvalin looking absolutely miserable#and decides she ain't going to rest until she deems the poor guy to be doing fine#it took 500 years but y'know Mondstadters are a certain brand of insane sometimes#trying to watch over him as a lingering ghost kinda did the opposite effect tho but she tried her best#'what about the miasma and evils spirits that would appear due to all these ghosts tho?' you may ask#Idk copious amounts of seals and blessings and maybe the occasional exorcist that pass by#Venti's resentment and regrets were probably the only tatarigami that plagued Mond#and even then it just stayed around the vicinity where Venti died and took a while to even manifest#mostly due to whatever wackery is going on in Dragonspine + intervention from Andrius and Dvalin
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Anyway I feel like it kinda gets glossed over that Knives was a child when he caused the big fall and idk I think that's kind of important because he's lived with that for over 100 years and just like Vash has lived with knowing the people he loves and fights for don't see him or his kind as anything more than a tool at best or a monster at worst, Knives has most definitely lived with knowing he's the leading reason why this system has remained in place
#knives millions#millions knives#like he can and most definitely does rationalize away conscious guilt by going 'this is what humans would have done anyway'#but like#goddamn alisduflsiafuh he was a child#and for all his resentment toward Rem she was still his mom#and he still initially intended for her to be saved with them#and this isn't me wanting to handwave everything else he'sdone#but i think it's an important part of his character to remember#(especially in the trimax manga where imo he's had a death wish of some sort constantly since he found out about tesla)#(the only thing keeping him going was Vash staying alive and freeing the other plants)#(and when he failed to take the other Plants away with him. he starts asking Vash to just shoot him already)#(like idk man sometimes i just remember that he was a kid when he caused the big fall and my heart hurts)#(he was already building his self fulfilling prophecy)#(and then tristamp has him find conrad way younger than in the manga and the forced witness of a Plant being killed happens as a teen#(and OW)#(like the fact that he and vash experience so many of the same things but have key pieces of formative disconnect...)#(their story breaks my fucking heart)
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From a very young age, Kaeya held such a fondness for handholding. Whether it was his father clinging tightly to him to make sure he didn’t get lost, Adelinde’s gentle, grounding hand closed over his to comfort him whenever his nerves got the better of him, Crepus’s rough-palmed, firm yet comforting grip as he brought him back home, or, as it was most often of all, Diluc’s warm, yet at times uncomfortably tight hold as he dragged him anywhere, everywhere, determined to always keep Kaeya close and eagerly show him all there was to see, Kaeya treasured the gesture greatly.
Of course, being as shy as he was, initiating it himself was always the harder part. So much so, he would tend to hold pinkies, rather than outright take a person’s hand in his own. Eventually, it would become his most common way to go about the gesture of affection.
#hc; kaeya#//Handholding is one of his favorite ways of affection bc 1) it’s not too overwhelming when it comes to his touch aversion#//The sensation is all focused in one spot; and even then; it’s more grounding than uncomfortable bc of how firm people’s grasp tends to be#//He really took to holding pinkies bc he realized he could ‘test’ people that way#//If it was a bother to them; they wouldn’t blink twice before moving their hand from his hold. so rejection isn’t as BIG; more subtle#//And if they Liked it; they could either accept it as is or make him happier and take firmer hold of his hand#//Once he was more confident; he would go straight to more outright handholding. Klee ofc got that RIGHT from the getgo. Bc she is smol &#liked him from the start. Even if her Pyro energy did make him uncomfortable at first; but he got used to it. for her#//Luc made it easy to go right to it to—the kid would always seem to know when he wanted to hold hands for whatever reason and grabbed hold#before Kae could link pinkies. kae did like the fact that Luc would Pout the few times Kae did link pinkies instead of hold hands#//Pout; & snatch his hand firmly in his like ‘Why did you do that? THIS way’s better’. Love the image of bby!Kae grabbing bby!Luc’s sleeves#but lbr; they deffo held hands a lot as kiddos. Bc we all know just how (canonically) indulging Luc is with whatever Kae wants. Once Luc#//figured him out; it was a Very common sight; seeing Luc tromping around like the proud lil protector he was; & Kae scurrying after him#//Lil subtle delighted gleams in his eye compared to Luc’s more overt confidence and joy. So common a sight; it was no surprise that#Kae was Deffo distressed when Luc inevitably grew out of it. Adjusted; yeah; but the sudden Change was deffo NOT good for his nerves#//Clung to Addie a lot to make up for it; until he heard the maids tittering abt how childish he was being#//He quit that FAST; finding other ways to stave off his nerves and show his affection#//Sometimes when he’s drunk at Angel’s Share; he gets tempted to hold Luc’s hand—an old habit dredged back up bc he wants comfort#//But any sudden moves Luc makes; whether bc he noticed Kae reaching out or not; utterly scare the urge away every time#//He’s made his peace with Luc resenting him; but it still stings that the ONE person he felt closest to is now practically a Chasm away#//Not like he helps any with that; running away or lashing out every time Luc tries to bridge gaps or shows concern#//Sends him into fight or flight mode every time—who’s to say Kae won’t fuck it up and make a Luc regret trying?#//Might as well sabotage it all himself—at least THEN he knows with utmost certainty it will end failure. Whoops veered off topic#//The closer he is to someone; the more likely he ends up toying with their hands a bit—esp if Interested in them#//Likes playing with their fingers; linking; unlinking and slotting them together; tracing lines on their palms#//Cute shit like that. He likes seeing how they fit together; the differences in size and how they feel#//This was all bc I saw a detail from a show pointed out on the Twitter ndnfn. And thought the pinkie thing was SO cute. Anywho#//Hi. Shit happened irl & I am still not 100%. Not saying what bc it’s not a pleasant topic; but know I am ok#//Just a lil tired. But kinda wanna hcs for rn. I had a lil burst of energy earlier today. that was nice. Over a long dead show; no less#//But it helped lift my mood a bit. I still kinda wish I could drink rn tho. Think it’d help my brain rn
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sick 2 my stomach for a plethora of reasons friday
#started thinking abt how neither of my parents have ever known me and never will :)#I heavily limit criticism of my mom and dump all my resentments on my dad bc she was the one who did all (ALL) the emotional labor#in our household#but she very much fucked me up in recognizable ways too lmao#she has an extremely narrow view of the world and we’ve argued so hard it devolved into yelling sometimes but nothing changes#I get really heated when we talk abt queer issues especially to the point that if she brings anything up now I have to tell her#‘we can’t talk about that’#she’s always like ‘why do you get so angry abt this. is there something you’re not telling me’#and I’m always like ‘you definitely know queer people irl they just don’t feel safe/comfortable disclosing their identity to you’#and she still refuses to see it lmao. which is why I can say that much#I know it’s like completely unfathomable to her. something that happens to other ppl’s kids#even more so with my dad of course - he views certain people as just like. subhuman. not worth having any kind of discussion about#I don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with him abt ANYTHING lol he is a fundamentally unsafe person to me#but I can’t ever express that without wounding him deeply (everything is about respect with him)
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agents of shield s7 really was a shockingly good conclusion to something I like… like on it’s own it’s a good season but I don’t really realize how highly I think of it overall (it’s not agents of shield s4 who’s praises I’ll sing any day of the week) until I think about how many concluding seasons or books of shows or series I love could have been better if they were more like it in a variety of ways…
#s speaks#currently inspired by me venting about my wishes for a raven king where Blue’s mirror powers were treated more like May’s empath powers#(which is funny since apparently Maggie’s og draft gave Blue literal empath powers although mirror is still in that vain to an extent)#and her having feelings and anger and resentment once LMD Coulson comes into the picture but she doesn’t see him as her Coulson#but also the way he can be a neutral space for her while she’s navigating the powers is comforting#I would have Lurved an arc like that for Blue/Bluesey#and the questioning if he’s real or not thread for Coulson himself and everyone around him and their relationships#which is helped by the existence of s6 which wasn’t the best aos season (although even though it had messy parts I liked how focused on May#it was and that Ming got to shine a lot. I could have done with less fs and far less Deke but that’s-)#but if that season didn’t exist at all s7 wouldn’t have landed because we needed to see those chars Without Coulson. If they had just#skipped to Daisy slamming the button and that’s that then he’s off on his road trip and that’s that—#but outside of trcbrainrot magicians could have used that season as a model so could legacies so could a lot of different genre things w#unsatisfying endings#sometimes I will have to do a list of my favorite conclusions to things since there’s definitely less that I wholly am a fan of and more I’#so so on or dislike.#in terms of tv shows would say community agents of shield and person of interest are the main ones that really hold up to me and are great#endings to shows I cared about#for books: CP2 TKM and others I can’t think of rn
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and i could not even do that right
#bloodletting#i know for a fact im not blamed for not being able to protect adi from the sight of... our house... to put it nicely.#but i do wish i had been faster or better or even just gone ahead of her or#had her play a game like we did sometimes or had been carrying her (she was growing out of it some ): rebellious phase)#anything. anything. and i wish i had been a better brother for anything but taking the brunt of things#not as bad as in canon in some ways but certainly not the best#self absorbed and caught up in my problems and trying not to be resentful when things were bad#and feeling bad for needing to try. as you do. this has all been said i think but still is very. im sorry.#i dont know if ive tagged my posts before#jes post#ah. dont call me that. but its easiest and the full name is telling.
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man idgaf about what treville and richelieu have going on (mostly nothing) (they dont like each other but they work together a lot bc of their jobs.) (i guess treville holding onto a sense of honour whilst working with the cardinal is interesting but like that's not. thats not really those two having something interesting going on). lets talk about the king and the cardinal man.
#the way the king sometimes resents the cardinal's influence but is so easily manipulated to feel lost without it.#the fact that he'll openly acknowledge the cardinal wants him to rule unfairly and play favourites. with a fond look on his face#''i will disband their whole regiment if that's what it takes to make you happy. only please don't leave me alone'' with tears in his eyes#all of which was exactly what the cardinal was going for and he just gets away with it!#the queen finds out he was trying to have her Killed and she says yeah fuck you obvi but i wont tell the king tho bc he loves you ?#i'm not saying any of this is like romantic to be clear lol. it's just very interesting#i mean i dont think it can probably be categorised really. but im definitely not calling it that#it is super interesting though the way the cardinal needs to undermine the queen and place himself closer to the king to succeed in his aim#it would be somewhat appropriate for sure to say its kind of a parent-child relationship in some ways but that's definitely not all of it#in terms of the way the king relies on him and his guidance. but again thats not all of it and he's not a child. or not actually a child.#and i could say this about any of the relationships between men on the show but of course Because they're both men that means the#Possibility of it being anything but fully platonic is not something he can acknowledge and for that reason whether it is or Not there's#still going to be a level of repression and denial that just complicates things. even though/if theres not truly anything to deny#meanwhile honestly i think the cardinal is personally being normal about it even tho he's a freak about a lot of other things#i mean idk that was my impression. i am sorta-watching through s1 again so maybe i'll develop my ideas on that#anyway#me.txt#musketeers posting
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beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs#delete later#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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