#and somehow i am still not capable of accepting that and being compassionate to myself......

[casual-eumetazoa]

First day of taking my ADHD meds twice a day instead of once (by splitting the dose in two) - surprise surprise, I am actually capable of doing things (and focusing on them) past four in the afternoon! Now let's see if I will still be able to fall asleep when I need to.

[aspd-culture]

Why is it that people think that being kind or compassionate is incompatible with antisocial personality disorder? Even in some of our own circles, it feels like pwaspd sometimes think choosing to be kind or compassionate is like antithetical of our disorder and idgi. Like. I realize we all have our own sort of fucked up disorder but like.

The choice to be kind and compassionate is just a choice and it’s often the most sensible one, if you’re looking at it from a selfish standpoint. Like sometimes I feel like saying being sincere or kind or compassionate being incompatible with a certain disorder just feels like an excuse to alienate and dehumanize that disorder. Like it may not come easy to us but it’s still a choice and I feel like that still has value?

Also why do people keep using the self-awareness thing as a point against us. I’ve met plenty of people without our disorders (speaking generally of cluster b but especially aspd and npd) who have no self-awareness and plenty of people with our disorders who are painfully self-aware and are capable of self-reflection.

Also critical thinking is just a skill anyone can train and have and part of the skill of self-reflection is the skill of critical thinking, so if I am capable of being pathological to a degree of destructiveness towards others, how then am I somehow incompatible with being pathological enough to assess myself and others with a.. let’s call it, benevolent point of view. Is it not our responsibility to try and do better? It feels anti-recovery and dehumanizing to say that we’re incapable or inherently incompatible with those things.

I agree with basically everything you said here. It is blatant internalized ableism when voices in our community push the idea that we are unable to be compassionate and kind and self-aware in a positive way, and it is blatant ableism and demonization when people outside of our community (prosocials) push the same ideas.

Thankfully, it is not a large percentage of pwASPD who believe the harmful ideas you spoke about. It's another loud minority situation. Those type of posts gain a lot of traction and begin discourse, which gets pushed to the top of algorithms. I would argue much less people than it appears in the tags actually believe that type of thing, but because elitists tend to get more attention than most pwASPD do online, elitist ideas tend to represent us even when we don't want them to.

One part of this I think is people who are truly antirecovery. It is no secret that plenty of pwASPD are under the belief that they cannot, should not, or simply do not want to recover. Those same people tend to want others with ASPD to follow suit so they can say it's because of their disorder and not accept responsibility for the choice to be antirecovery.

Another part is definitely jealousy. Recovery is hard, hard work and it takes a long time, but it is easier and faster for some people than others, especially if you caught your symptoms earlier than most. Because these people either don't want to do or don't believe they are capable of the hard work pwASPD who are in recovery have done, they push the narrative that those people must not have had ASPD to begin with. This could not be further from the truth, and negates the serious effort those of us who are in recovery put in constantly to work through our trauma and biases to get to a healthier place in life.

A third place I think this may come from is misinformation spread by professionals. I myself have mentioned more than once my previous therapist who told me "people with ASPD don't seek help". The idea that everyone with ASPD is antirecovery or incapable of recovery is sadly one many professionals not only agree with, but actively push. That means that at least some people you see saying this probably got that idea from what should be a reputable source. Medical ableism is rampant against ASPD, and this is one way it shows.

No matter where it comes from, the sentiment is just wrong. PwASPD are responsible for recovering. It sucks, and it takes time, but being antirecovery is a guarantee you will hurt someone in your life in the future. That's just not acceptable. We can't traumatize others and claim it's a result of our trauma. We each need to learn to be at least a neutral force in the world, if not a positive one. It's not easy, but it's doable. I believe in all of you.

Like I said though, the antirecovery pwASPD are generally a loud minority, and do not represent the majority of pwASPD both irl or on social media.

[floribus-reginae]

.•*¨*•♫♪♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸❤Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ  “If you personify love even in times of torment, of calamity or conflict, then you’re truly one of the mighty. I see how no matter the burdens laid upon you, that you show more allure than many do in times of plenty. It’s in those moments of battle and concern I see right to your soul and know that my faith in you, my love for you, is indestructible. You’re audacious, compassionate, gentle in your own way. I want you to know that I’ll be the same for you. I’ll be your mirror, bring you what you give me- true love, the lasting kind.” - Rin’s diary

A fragile contour was moving in the somberness, looking for one of her beloved spots in the middle of the woods. The same forest where she had first seen him, the forest that beheld and sanctified so many occasions between them. A love story that unfolded over time, gradually and with unconditional indulgence. Something that everyone assumed illogical, improbable, a demon like him to surrender to the enchantments of a dainty human, who has always been honorable and committed. Years passed, the flower bloomed, the loyalty prevailed unchanged but the affection grew, undergoing a colossal metamorphosis and becoming love, an affection capable of moving mountains, intellects, changing the perpetual. Rin was regarded by everyone as the princess who changed Sesshoumaru & his hostile perspective on humankind, on human ephemerality. Something so delicate, inelastic can have the endowment to battle for love and values. 

They do what they must for now and trust in their plan

If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am….

The profound lake’s hue became the lyrical song of the petite light that played upon its wind-dancing ruffles, merged with the tender fireflies. Lady Rin knelt on the grass dimly brightened by luminescence. She elegantly inclined to appreciate the reflection granted by the liquid mirror. A crystalline portrait of a woman who savored a plethora of adventures & mellowed preserving the same gentleness, the same angelic smile, leniency for everybody. Someone who still didn’t see the people’s ominous side, the corruption that sometimes dominated the hearts of those who pursued power. “I wonder if I’m worthy enough.” Thought. Worthy of his affection, of being called his spouse. They were from completely parallel environments, & many demons found it arduous to accept that Rin was now the ruler or future leader of one of the more expansive territories. Some had been easily enthralled by her benevolence & optimism, but others hadn’t. Some prevailed stuck with conservative roots & still saw mortals as futile and vulnerable beings. Despite all the irrefutable assurances, occasionally the brunette was afflicted by reluctance.

“Iie, now is not the time for such considerations.” Murmured, shaking her head to ward off such undesired images. There were more compelling things to think about. The pre-eminence of her thoughts should change. Gaze turned from the basin to her parturient abdomen, where one of her silky palms was resting. “We have to protect them, whatever appears.” Declared, addressing her words to the man behind her. “It doesn’t matter how, but their protection at this point is the most important. I’ll never forgive myself if something grave befalls. --- I don’t care if I have to renounce myself for them, nothing is more important than them and you. ” Conviction manifested in the words enunciated with some melancholy. Rin was prepared to do anything to keep her babies alive, even if it meant destroying her own life. All she wanted was for them to have the opportunity to meet their father, of whom she was extremely proud. “I have faith in you, Sesshoumaru-sama. I trust you my life, their lives, my love.---- I trust you with all my heart. I know that you’ll do the right thing.” A clawed palm laid upon her frail shoulder. An unusual gesture, but not for her. She knew a side of him that no one else knew. A placid encouragement that was worth gold & that made her peaceful, confident in her convictions, confident in who she was & whom she had become. He was the most fearless man she had ever met & she was the most valiant woman he had ever met. Someone altruistic, a peasant who had become a princess and who had embraced a realm that wasn’t hers. Fruit of such love were the two half-demons that were evolving in her uterus & whom one day would know who the progenitors were. She didn’t know if they were going to be proud of her or not, but Rin was going to do everything, accept the harshest, the most agonizing way to protect her offspring. “I hope they’ll one day learn about your story, my story, our tale.” Her hues were viewing the reflection again, smiling at the majestic personage standing beside her. Near him, time stopped, the fear disappeared completely, vulnerabilities became a strength.

“Don’t worry. I’ll do the right thing.”

My world has changed, and so have I

I’ve learned to choose and even learned to say good-bye

The path ahead, so hard to see

It winds and bends, but where it ends depends on only me

In my heart I don’t feel part of so much I’ve known

Now it seems it’s time to start a new life on my own

But where do I go from here?

So many voices ringing in my ear

Which is the voice I was meant to hear?

How will I know, where do I go from here?

Song: Where Do I Go From Here - "Pocahontas II: Journey To a New World"

[emperor-uncarnate]

My Personal Take on a Sonic Movie

Somehow I knew I’d eventually end up doing something like this. With mixed feelings on the new trailer I had to ask myself what I would do if faced with the task of putting together a Sonic movie myself. Grab a chili dog because this might be a long read:

Before I get started, know that I’d make it fully animated. I am of the belief that some things just cannot translate to live action without losing too much of what makes them cool. Sonic with his weird little outfit, chunky cones of quills, and single giant eyeball can’t not be cartoonish. No two ways about it.

The film opens with some small animals hanging out in Green Hill Zone just doing what they do. Seems peaceful enough until a large Badnik swoops in and swallows up some of the unsuspecting critters. The menacing robot is about to haul its animal prisoners away when a blue blur rushes to their rescue. Sonic triumphantly chases the Badnik down, wrecks it, and frees the captured animals trapped inside. After showcasing what his great speed is capable of, the chase/fight scene leaves Sonic at a vantage point from which he can see where the animals were being taken: Robotropolis... aaand... title screen. 

Cut to a bustling urban area styled to look like 90′s San Francisco. People are out and about living their lives under a summer sun. No trace of animal life in sight besides pigeons and pets. This is where we’re introduced to our human lead who we’re going to call Chris (because I don’t care to put thought into it and he can be named after Sonic X’s Chris or Christian Whitehead) who is spending his morning getting ready for work. He can still be played by James Marsden, that’s fine. Anyway Chris meticulously puts himself together for the day in a suit and tie, indicating he’s a real clean-cut, straight-laced guy. The news on his television playing in the background is going on and on about one Doctor Ivo Robotnik and the rapid expanse of his empire. Robotnik is established by the broadcast as a genius inventor of artificial intelligence and advanced robotics who defected from the human civilization to begin his own fully-mechanical one.

Chris heads off to work where we learn he is an agent of the Guardian Unit of Nations (G.U.N.) and is being briefed for a mission with his covert team. With Robotnik’s growing forces posing a threat to the human population, G.U.N. intends to infiltrate one of Robotnik’s island settlements and figure out what he’s up to. Disguised as a team of nature photographers, Chris and his fellow agents travel to the series of islands Robotnik controls and begins their search for one of his secret laboratories. 

It isn’t long before Chris’ team is ambushed by a squad of Robotnik’s mechanical soldiers. The agents are easily subdued and captured by the more heavily-armed robots but Sonic arrives in time to save Chris. Though the rest of his team is captured, Chris is rescued and passes out from exhaustion or getting hit in the head or whatever.

He wakes up some time later to discover a small two-tailed fox watching over him. Initially startled to discover an anthropomorphic creature speaking English, Chris explains he did know about talking animals existing outside of the human civilization but he’d just never met one before. So yeah, this isn’t a story about Sonic traveling to the real human world or of a real human traveling to Sonic’s world; this is a place where animal people and people-people already exist together but almost never cross paths mostly due to geography. Humans have their cities while the hedgehogs and foxes and whatever else live in the wilderness or in small communities. 

Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles “Tails” Prower introduce themselves. Although Sonic was the one to actually rescue Chris it was Tails who got Sonic to stick around and wait to make sure Chris woke up alright. Sonic’s attitude comes across as impatient, not really caring much about Chris and instead desiring to speed off and continue his mission. Tails, however, is curious and compassionate to Chris who turns out to be banged up but well enough to walk. 

Chris is given the chance to introduce himself too but chooses not to reveal he’s actually a G.U.N. agent. He keeps up the charade that he’s just a simple photographer and it turns out to be a safe call: As it happens, Sonic and Tails are not crazy about G.U.N. and its methods. The two accuse G.U.N. of polluting the environment and stealing land from their animal friends. This gives us the sense that while G.U.N. isn’t villainous like Robotnik, it is in no way an ally of nature. Chris feels guilty as he’d never considered what the humans were doing that negatively affected the animal folk around the world. 

When Chris learns Sonic and Tails mean to go after Robotnik he offers to join them on their journey. Sonic resists, not wanting to be slowed down by a human, but Chris convinces them he needs to find out what Robotnik is up to so he can warn his fellow humans. Tails uses his little brother ability to guilt trip his honor-bound big brother Sonic into accepting Chris and the three set off together. Since Chris can’t move like a supersonic hedgehog or a flying fox they head towards Sonic and Tails’ home where another mode of transportation awaits them.

Meanwhile, Robotnik makes his grand entrance and introduces himself to the squad of undercover G.U.N. agents his foot soldiers captured earlier. The agents assure Robotnik holding them for ransom will be fruitless but the scheming villain states he has more significant plans for them. The scene ends with an attendant of the flamboyant doctor informing him “another one has been located.” You might be thinking that’s referring to a Chaos Emerald and to that I say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Back to Sonic and company as they encounter some lesser Badniks... this is where your Crabmeats and your Buzz Bombers come in. Sonic and Tails bust them up (though Tails lags behind a little and is upset he needed Sonic to pick up the slack) and free the animals sealed within, getting Chris to ask why Robotnik would create such machines. The duo expresses that it is because Robotnik (who Sonic mockingly refers to as “Eggman”) must be looking for something and that sending Badniks out into the world is his way to find it. This is when we learn of Robotnik’s roboticization technology that changes animals into robot animals. This scene also serves to show a little more of how Sonic and Chris’ personalities clash; Sonic is carefree, hasty, and won’t hesitate to poke fun at Chris as he struggles to keep up. Sonic’s teasing Chris to speed up while Chris is advising Sonic to slow down now and again.

Eventually the trio makes it to the small hanger that houses the Tornado. They intend to use the rocket-boosted biplane to make way to Robotnik’s hidden lab (though Sonic reiterates he’d prefer running) but they are cut off by an obnoxious intruder. Knuckles the Echidna causes a ruckus outside that prompts a quick tussle with Sonic. The blue hedgehog’s speed clashes with the almost comically formidable strength of the red echidna while they argue. Apparently Sonic’s conflict with the Badnik at the very beginning of the movie drew Knuckles’ attention away from the Master Emerald, a hulking jewel of immeasurable importance he was supposed to be protecting, and it is stolen by an unknown thief as a result. Sonic insists it was Knuckles’ own fault for not keeping a closer eye on the Master Emerald but the thick-skulled echidna won’t listen. While they both believe Robotnik to be the culprit it doesn’t stop them from trading blows.

They slug it out until a new Badnik arrives and interrupts them with whirring chainsaws and blazing flamethrowers. This destructive robot clearly made for deforestation puts up a good fight but is ultimately taken down by Team Sonic thanks to Tails’ engineering prowess coming through in the clutch. Between that and getting a closer look at the Tornado, Chris is impressed that such a young fox could have such an impressive intellect. He notes that it is not common knowledge among humans that the animal folk could be so smart. Apparently the humans see the animal people as more animal than people, but this isn’t news to Team Sonic. It seems they’d always been disregarded by humankind or otherwise seen as uncivilized. What racists.

Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Chris talk things out and piece together some information to get an idea of what Robotnik’s after: the Chaos Emeralds. According to Knuckles there are six Chaos Emeralds that are linked to the Master Emerald and they contain mysterious powers even Knuckles himself isn’t aware of. Chris notes that Robotnik’s recent increase in military fortitude may be due to his possession of one or more of these Chaos Emeralds as power sources. 

When Knuckles says he might know the location of a Chaos Emerald, the gang decides to split up. The Tornado was conveniently damaged in the fight against the last Badnik so Tails and Chris stay behind to repair it. Sonic and Knuckles volunteer to head into the mountains with the hopes of recovering a Chaos Emerald from a temple there.  Elsewhere, Doctor Robotnik gazes down at the five Chaos Emeralds it turns out he’s already collected. He sends a group of Badniks to the mountains to recover the sixth Chaos Emerald he’s located (not knowing Sonic and Knuckles are already on their way there) while he gathers his G.U.N. prisoners for an experiment. Here he reveals his roboticization machine had previously only worked on animals but its latest iteration could also affect humans. Robotnik activates the machine and the G.U.N. agents are painfully converted into subservient robots one by one.

Tails and Chris have some downtime they spend venting. Tails is discouraged because he’s not as good a fighter and still needs Sonic to protect him. Chris reminds Tails that one, he’s still a child and will become stronger as he grows up more, and two, that his brains are a much more valuable asset anyway. Then Chris himself gripes about Sonic being right about him needing to loosen up, and Tails tells him it’s not so bad to wing it and take risks sometimes. It’d be cool if this was also where Tails got to telling Chris about how he first met Sonic. You know, for exposition. 

Cut to the mountains where we get an opportunity to see the fun ways Sonic and Knuckles travel up the steep cliffs using their powers. They’ll also have a chance to fight the big ass flying Badnik Robotnik sent before they do indeed find a Chaos Emerald, perhaps one that’s not green. I want Sonic to ask something like “if it’s an Emerald, why isn’t it green?” so Knuckles can say “not all sapphires are blue” or something to that effect. I imagine Knuckles to be a little dense but not unintelligent, if that makes any sense.

Sonic and Knuckles return to find Robotnik himself patiently waiting for them. Having already ensnared Tails and Chris, Robotnik offers their freedom in exchange for the last Chaos Emerald. Knuckles accuses Robotnik of stealing the Master Emerald, which he scoffs at and denies. Robotnik also announces that he knows Chris is really a G.U.N. agent, much to the surprise of Team Sonic. I think this scene should also briefly address Sonic and Robotnik’s dealings in the past: Sonic’s destroyed some of Robotnik’s machines before this moment but he’s never gotten the chance to battle Robotnik himself. As it stands, Sonic’s barely on the mad doctor’s radar and he’s presently seen only as a minimal threat.

After agreeing to the exchange and getting Tails and Chris back, Sonic makes a reckless move to go after the Chaos Emerald and runs straight into a trap. Robotnik captures Sonic and ferries him and the last Chaos Emerald back to Robotropolis while Tails and Knuckles are left with Chris. Tails feels hopeless without Sonic around and Knuckles won’t trust Chris since he was outed as a secret G.U.N. agent. All seems lost until Chris admits his guilt and apologizes in an emotional rant. He promises that if they can beat Robotnik he’ll do whatever it takes to get humankind to be more environmentally not shitty to the animal folk. The genuine nature of his speech sways both Tails and Knuckles who fire up the Tornado and get ready for action. The three of them are dead set on getting Sonic back and keeping Robotnik from using the Chaos Emeralds. The forests and jungles slowly turn to wastelands which in turn become rusted industrial parks as far as the eye can see. The Tornado zooms into the polluted skies of Robotnik’s manmade nation using some stealth modifications Chris was able to put in place. The spy tech begins to fail as they get close, however, and Robotnik scrambles a pack of fighters to shoot them down upon noticing them. Tails and Knuckles hold them off in some aerial combat while Chris crash lands the Tornado into the heart of Robotnik’s lair. 

Sonic is in locked in some kind of sciencey tube (which is busy scanning his DNA and designing Metal Sonic... but we’ll save that for the sequel) until he’s broken out and the four heroes are reunited. Robotnik defends the six Chaos Emeralds he’s collected and villain-monologues his plans to use them with his roboticization machine to turn everyone on the planet into robots. Perhaps Robotnik will rant a little about the shortcomings of organic existence and why he believes machines will be the superior form of life on the planet, yadda yadda.

Getting Sonic free is a small victory but now the quartet of protagonists is cornered by Robotnik and the roboticized G.U.N. agents. Chris reminds Sonic he can’t destroy the robot agents if there’s any chance they can be transformed back into flesh and blood, causing Sonic to have to learn his lesson and not rush without thinking into scrapping them. He takes some of Chris’ advice from earlier in the movie and coordinates rounding the agents up in a slower, safer fashion... somehow. Doesn’t matter, the point is that Sonic learns something over the course of the movie. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles start fighting Robotnik as he pilots a giant mech suit resembling a modernized Death Egg Robot. Tails tinkers with something (insert ‘tiny character with giant guns gag’ here), Knuckles smashes shit, and Sonic literally runs circles around the thing but they can’t fend off such an imposing boss for long. This is where Chris takes Sonic’s advice and attempts to do something uncharacteristically heedless and batshit crazy to win. I’m thinking he gets hold of the contraption containing the Chaos Emeralds and flings it at the Death Egg Robot, causing them to become unstable and explode. The six Chaos Emeralds scatter to the winds in a big rainbow burst that starts causing the whole place to go down in flames. Actually, wait, make it so Knuckles catches one Chaos Emerald (for later).

The roboticized agents regain their free will with the core of Robotropolis failing and board a transport being hotwired by Tails. Chris falls down an opening in the floor into an abyss but Sonic swipes the Chaos Emerald from Knuckles and takes off at full speed to catch him. The Chaos Emerald glows and Sonic’s speed increases to the point where he looks like he’s boosting. He manages to be fast enough to reach Chris and save him from falling to his demise but they both wind up being trapped by the remainder of the building’s collapse. Sonic and Chris close their eyes as they’re about to be crushed but open them to find they’ve been magically transported to safety. They look down to see the Chaos Emerald’s glow fade and can only assume its power was what saved their lives. 

In the aftermath of the battle, Tails is using the Chaos Emerald in Team Sonic’s inventory to track the other ones. Sonic, Knuckles, and Chris are rebuilding the Tornado’s hangar. Sonic is glad to know the roboticized agents are underway to be returned to normal. Knuckles laments the Master Emerald was nowhere to be found in the ruins of Robotropolis. Chris is explaining what action he’ll take upon his return to G.U.N. headquarters that will improve relations between human and animal kind. Team Sonic is cool with that gesture and they thank Chris as their new (and respected) ally. 

Chili dogs is what’s for dinner and everything seems swell until Tails suddenly draws everyone’s attention to his tracking device. According to its data, there aren’t five Chaos Emeralds left to find but six. There were seven Chaos Emeralds total all along but neither Knuckles nor Robotnik knew that (this is our hint at Super Sonic’s appearance in the sequel and a reference to the fact that there were only six Chaos Emeralds in the first game).

Speaking of sequel, the last scene before the credits will be Doctor Robotnik miraculously aboard a space station hidden in shadow. The station is under construction and resembles a Death Egg in progress. Very Revenge of the Sith. His assistant will say something something and with a crazed look in his eye he’ll be like “No, from now on... call me Eggman” and embrace Sonic’s name for him. This will mark a shift in his motivation moving forward: the only thing he wants next to world domination itself is defeating that pesky blue hedgehog.

But yeah, there’s got to be an after credits scene, right? Cut to the Master Emerald being carted away by none other than Nack the Weasel (Fang the Sniper if you’re nasty). 

I imagine the sequel will have Team Sonic reuniting with Chris and a newly introduced Amy Rose (the classic design) to storm the Death Egg and take on Eggman once again. Sonic will have a high-speed duel with Metal Sonic while Tails and Knuckles square off against Nack, who has been hired by Eggman. Metal Sonic uses the Master Emerald to become a raging monster but Sonic uses the seven Chaos Emeralds to become Super Sonic and whoop Metal’s ass. I guess during all this Chris will tango with Eggman himself in some kind of human versus human fight (which somehow seems blasphemous in Sonic media). Amy’s there for comic relief. I’m gonna stop myself here before I do a whole ‘nother one of these hypothetical story posts. And then a third one following the events of Sonic Adventure. And a fourth one following Sonic Adventure 2. 

THE END

[inanawesomewave]

The Hypocrisy of Dehumanising the Sociopath

When your friends talk about their brushes with the elusive sociopath, be they talking about an ex, or former boss, or schoolmate, or doctor, or whatever, listen to how they describe them (Let’s not get into the examples of behaviour they cite for a moment, I’m going to leave that bit ‘til last [he left me! he fired me! she bullied me! he patronised me! - that nonsense, the diagnosis of sociopath handed out from the scorned to the scorner, as if it were that simple, ugh] ugh). Let us really examine how they choose the words they gleefully use to describe the alleged sociopath’s behaviours, their movements. We hear cold, distant, something-not-quite-right, but soon enough in the conversation we begin to hear the words alien, animal, robot, replicant ― inhuman.

You hear it in popular culture too, those true crime documentaries where the sociopath is described as having a limited range of emotions, he or she can only really feel fear, hate, anger, vengeance. Like a caveman. I find myself surprised to hear experts and anecdotalists alike openly pontificate on the inhumanity of the psycho, even the nonviolent ones, I tend to wonder how far advanced we really are from phrenology, and am just waiting for a criminology MA from some backwater polytechnic to unironically remark that psychopaths have strong jaws, and disturbingly uneven head-shapes. Psychiatrists et al are trussing themselves up in their best tweed and appearing on cable networks and talking deadly seriously about the cold eyes of the murderous psychopath - there was nothing behind the eyes - this one has always baffled me. What the fuck do you think you can see behind anyone’s eyes you dumb fuck? They’re EYES. If you tell someone over and over again you have been told you smile with your eyes, people will come to believe it, because it’s a false concept. Any time a glint hits your iris, the person you hammered to death with your fucking horseshit eyes theory will be beaten into submission enough to think “aren’t her eyes sunny! No wonder EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, APPARENTLY thinks so”. In the same vein, if you tell everyone that psychopaths are dead behind the eyes, they’re going to believe you. Cold eyes - whatever that means. Dead eyes - I’ve seen dead eyes, they seemed eerily alive. Because they’re eyes. Not magical windows to the fucking soul, as if you still believe that at your age. The eyes, though, the unfeeling cold glare that bathes the prey with discomfort. It becomes a diagnostic tool. You remember the eyes. Sorry, rant.   We hear about the snake of a CEO who heartlessly fired scores of loyal workers without warning, and outsourced the work overseas where it was ever so slightly cheaper, and on reflection, the employees, with bittersweet hindsight, will recall that he did always seem… off. Like, who knows, maybe a reptile, maybe a machine, a predator with old blood coagulating at his jawline, framing his perfect, sharp teeth (almost TOO perfect), matting up his rough, inhuman fur.

But they never said that at the time. And why?

Because sociopaths are human, and that’s an unpalatable truth that you need to get the fuck on board with. The reason you didn’t realise they were inhuman is because, shocker, they’re not inhuman. Like you, they are a real person. And if that is hard for you to admit, have a sit down with yourself and check in with your compass. 

There’s nothing about a sociopath that is lacking in humanity, whatever that means. When a sociopath is born, it’s not like they’ve been implanted with a microchip that eats up their human compassion and replaces it with startling, ruthless efficiency. You need to learn that the sociopath in your life very well loves you, and is loved, is happy, has family, is charitable even. When you think you’ve identified the sociopath in your life, you’ve probably got it wrong. Imagine you find yourself with two close friends:

1. Joe

Joe is in his mid-twenties, from a relatively wealthy family, is not unattractive and has a lucrative career as a photographer for models, often young and attractive models he gets paid princely sums to photograph and later fuck. He doesn’t ever stop talking about all the money and sex he gets. He doesn’t ever stop talking about his amazing life. Sometimes he opens up about the fact he struggles with anxiety and panic attacks, and he wants your sympathy. He dresses up as recently outed sexual predators for Halloween. He jokes about his dead family members. He takes without giving. Every time you see him, he’s got a new story.

2. Jane

Jane is in her early twenties, from modest but not necessarily poor upbringings. She would class herself as ordinary looking, and she’s totally fine with that. She never was the social butterfly but never an outcast either, and she’s an excellent listener, she will sit and listen for hours as you talk about everything bad that ever happened to you, and she will pass you cups of hot tea and support your ideas. She really cares, she almost feels like a well-kept secret, because she doesn’t tend to socialise and you’re convinced that if she did, everyone would love her, But she’s not interested in that. She doesn’t really want anything emotional from you. She’s like a blank canvas. You paint all over her.

I think you know where this is going - Jane is the sociopath. Joe is too flashy and open, he’s too much of a braggart and a loudmouth. He’s making no efforts to assimilate, he’s pushing people away with loud, obnoxious behaviour and hasn’t the self-awareness to adapt. He relishes in his extroversion and is a social animal who takes nourishment from being near others. And he’s going to blow it all, because he’s not got that process active in his brain, that tells him how to be all things to all people. Joe is all things to himself.

Jane is blending in, and she makes herself look unsensational because she’s the kind of sociopath who wants to go largely unseen. Acceptable, but unremarkable. It’s not important to Jane that she be described as stunning, or beautiful. It’s trivial. She takes on your problems because the concept of heavy emotional labour that is impossible to put down doesn’t tend to apply to other people, carrying the weight of everyone else’s sadnesses isn’t a burden, it’s barely an inconvenience, it’s capital. She knows everything about you. Everything everything. Stuff your girlfriend doesn’t even know. You’ve told her secrets and she’s let you believe that your lives are totally comparable. She’s told you hers too, she’s opened up trust. But it’s nothing you could ever use against her. She lives without shame. She’s an open book and she’s hiding in plain sight. You can’t blackmail Jane should she choose to use your sensitive information against you. You think she’s told you everything, but really, she’s told you nothing. Jane knows you inside out. You have no clue at all who Jane is.

But really, who would you rather be friends with? Think about your answer carefully. Think about it again.

This is great information, right? You feel like you’re learning something. And I’m happy to write it, but I’m smiling to myself because the irony of deeply studying a sociopath and learning them through the lens of your own empathy, as if this were an invaluable and indispensable tool of survival, and then moments later decrying the sociopath for, well, studying everyone else, as if it were an invaluable and indispensable tool of survival - is beautiful irony. But I don’t mean to say that technically we’re all the same, because we’re not. Sociopaths exist and empaths somehow get by on the other side of the coin. But it’s starting to seem a lot like we’re all in this together. So how comes we’re not?

It all comes down to motive. And if the motive is well-hidden, it looks the same as everyone else’s transgressions. If an empath performs a selfish act, maybe he sleeps with his wife’s best friend, if he is seen to be displaying real remorse, shame, guilt, upon discovery, he may be in with a second chance. But the sociopath too will display remorse, shame, etc - only it isn’t real. But it looks exactly the same. Is that not good enough? Do you really think that the empath really gave a shit about how awful he felt? He still did it. Whether you can mournfully reflect and regret or not, you still did that shitty thing, and you’ll do it again but cover your tracks better this time. You can be a sociopath or not, at some point, you’re going to do supremely self-serving things without caring a single bit about how that affects anyone around you. Bad behaviour does not only exist within sociopathy, and having limited empathetic capabilities and behaving as such seems very callous indeed, but having full empathetic functioning and compassionate reasoning and choosing to betray that complete system in order to meet a passion or want, seems a lot more inhuman to me.

A quick summary about psychopaths this time (there is a difference, but I’m not going to explain it, it takes literally seconds to google). A lot of times when people are hurt by bad people, they like to fancy that the bad person was a psychopath, that they’re in fact wounded and broken. This is the only time anyone will ever express empathy and compassion to a potential psychopath - when it serves them. It’s fine to describe the sociopath as inhuman, animal, or reptile, to tell people they were even cold to the touch; this distancing is a symptom of fear, and nobody is forcing you to give a fuck about the MONSTERS who don’t give a fuck about you (yes, even you, no matter how sweet and kind you are!). But if you are capable of seeing the sociopath as a deeply fractured and troubled individual AFTER they’ve already hurt you, you need to ask yourself what’s behind that display of apparently selfless sincerity. Why do you only give that compassion when it directly affects you? Why can you only care, if that care means the only reason anyone would ever be cruel or hateful to you is because they’re painfully disordered, wounded, troubled? The worst thing is, readers, that more often than not, the assumed psychopath IS NOT EVEN A GODDAMN PSYCHOPATH. So it gets even murkier. You can’t appropriate the disorder belonging to those you happily and openly dehumanise and apply it to someone who abused you in order to convince yourself you’re too likeable to ever face actual cruelty. We all know that’s wrong. Because cruelty carried out by a psychopath isn’t any more cruel than the cruelty carried out by an empath. Not to me, at least. You don’t get to play doctor like that.

Besides, come on, taking your abuser and then loving their abuse only when you can apply a bastardised clinical label to it is fucked up. You can’t romanticise and dehumanise at the same time you mad bastard.

I mean, you’d never catch me doing that. And - don’t tell anyone, because I never tell people this and I’m really letting you in, here, because I trust you, and I love you - I’m a real life sociopath.

[autumnhobbit]

I've grown up in an extremely conservative and religious home, and I feel as though that is something you can relate to. The thing is, your faith seems strong and fully intact, whereas mine has faltered throughout the years. And today I don't even know if I believe at all. Do you have any explanation as to why your parents devotion and zeal for religion hasn't affected your own personal connection with God? Because it did for me.

Honest answer: it hasn’t.

I used to be easily moved by faith, easily enthusiastic in my love for God, easily compassionate and easily kind. Easily trusting. I’m not anymore. That part of me was thoroughly, completely broken, and my parent’s behavior played no small part in that. It’s hard to grow in your faith when you’re suddenly realizing that every single action you make has consequences; sin is not a joke, it’s serious, and it’s inside you, and you know it’s inside you, almost inexorably linked to your being….and at the same time, you have a parent—especially a father—who *thinks* they’re a good Christian, and (loudly) preaches Christ….and in private they are literally your hardest challenge and your own private hell.

I’ve spoken about this before, but I firmly believe that parents are almost unbelievably important, and their behavior towards their children is critical in all facets of life. Having an abusive parent can quite literally wreck even your physical health, let alone your emotional and mental health. I think maybe it’s even more important in Christianity if we believe that God made the family in His image, after the Trinity. God gave the newborn their loyalty and love towards their parents, and I believe it is truly one of—if not the—deepest, most intense loves that exists between humans, because it is completely unconditional…at least to start out with. When a child is born, they don’t care what their parent’s name is, or what job they hold, or how much money they have, or how smart they are, or what they’ve done in the past. That child will love their parent with all their heart and soul, simply because they’re theirs. They will trust their parent completely because their parent is their tether to the world, to reality, to themselves. I thought once about how a child, if they’re scared of something, goes to their parent, and their parent will pick them up and hold them and tell them it’ll be okay, and even if the parent is lying through their teeth and it won’t be remotely okay, the child will believe it, because their mom or dad, whom they love, told them it would be.

At the time, I was thinking about it in the context of how much I wished I could go back to the time when it was so easy for my fears and insecurities to just go away, back before I knew that the same parent I was going to for comfort was the source of most of my fears and struggles. But later I thought about it in the context of the gospel.

Jesus tells His apostles that unless you accept the Kingdom of Heaven as a little child, you cannot enter it. I think I finally understand that line, now. Because it is difficult as hell to trust, anyway, but especially so if the anchor you thought you had for as long as you can think or remember was torn away from you….or it never really existed, at all.

I can’t tell you what it is that makes me keep going. I know there are plenty of people who give up on God because they can’t reconcile His goodness with the cruelty they received from their parents. I myself have struggled with it immensely; I have a tendency to project my father onto God, to expect disgust and hatred and abandonment from Him even when it doesn’t jibe with His personality at all. When I logically examine my position I can pick out all the inconsistencies, but in the heat of the moment, it feels impossible to stop from drowning in the despair of being despised and unwanted. And in some ways it’s even harder with God because I know I shouldn’t be greedy and demand things; but that swings the other way, and I preemptively prepare myself for disappointment. I don’t dare to hope that things will get better, because when they don’t I’ll be angry with God, so I try my hardest to convince myself that I never wanted to be happy, anyway. I don’t dare to hope my father will ever truly heal from whatever is preventing him from being a father to me and my siblings, a husband to my poor mom…because he’s been this way all his life, and it’s unlikely he’ll ever recover, and if he does it’ll probably be too late to ease any of our sufferings. I don’t dare to hope even that I somehow won’t end up right back in this position with another man with children of my own; because I want a good marriage unlike my parents’ and I long for it too badly for it to ever have a chance of happening.

I want to give up. Trust me, I want to. I wish I could sway myself enough that I could say ‘f#%^* all of this, I don’t need this pain, and I don’t need God.’ It would probably be easier. I wish I could do it, but I don’t. I suppose I could if I wanted to, but I can’t. I like to think sometimes that maybe it’s fortitude. I don’t know.

It’s hard to sum up. I know I wasn’t supposed to exist….in man’s mind. If it were up to my parents and the Holy Spirit hadn’t moved, I would not exist, and neither would any of my siblings. I wonder if maybe it’s that previous way of looking at life that lingers on when my dad looks at me and treats me like a burden that ruined his life, even if he would never have the ability to admit it, even to himself.

But God wanted me to exist. I would not be here if He didn’t want me to be, I would not be Catholic if He didn’t want me to be, and I would not know of Him as much as I do if He did not want me to. For better or for worse, God wants me to be alive. Not needs, wants me. And my heart and mind scream otherwise more often than I would like, sometimes seemingly nonstop, but I do not believe that He put me here solely to be the world’s punching bag. I don’t know what will happen to me, or whether my heart will ever heal, or whether I’ll ever be able to trust again or to smile again, or to accept love again, but I believe that my Lord isn’t cold and distant and uncaring about my pain and my broken heart. I believe He knows my pain as well as He knows my face, because He suffers it too, when His children reject Him. If He broke His own heart by giving me life, and giving me the chance to reject Him, and whether by my own strength or His I somehow did not, I do not believe it was for nothing. I do not believe that He will forget all the times I’ve cried myself to sleep and asked why this happened to me, what I did to deserve this, whether He’ll ever take this pain away, whether it’ll ever end and whether I’ll ever, ever just be at peace.

It’s not remotely easy to love God. Not remotely. Anyone who tells you that loving God is for wimps is dead wrong. I can’t say yet that it’s worth it, because I truly don’t know. I can’t say it will end with you perfectly happy and whole again, because I doubt that will ever happen for me, because I was never truly whole to begin with.

But I don’t listen to the voices in my head and my heart that tell me I’m hated and that I’ll die abandoned and unloved, with not even people to remember me, let alone God. I don’t give in to my intense desire to make my father hurt as much as he’s hurt me, because my Lord tells me that He is my real father now, and He doesn’t want me to repay hurt with hurt. I don’t bury my pain in alcohol or porn or drugs or self-harm, because He’s never allowed a desire for those things to touch me, and also because I know they won’t fix me. I don’t give up on others just because I’ve been hurt, even if I want to run away and never speak my mind or my heart to anyone ever again. And I don’t believe, no matter how much I just want to curl up and die to avoid the pain to come, that any of the things that hurt me are any match for Him.

When I was born, I gave my heart to my daddy because he was my daddy. He broke it because he was never capable of putting anyone above himself, even if he wanted to. I gave my heart to God—whether before or after that, even I don’t know. Whatever else I do or don’t believe, I do not believe that He will crush it just because He can.

I’m not going to tell you you won’t despair, because in all likeliness you will, if you’re not already. I’m not going to tell you it will pass, or it’ll get easier, or that it’ll be worth it in the end, because for all I know it might not.

But I will say that I choose to ignore my screaming thoughts. And when I can’t ignore them, I tell Him that I don’t want them, and wait them out until they quiet down some. I will say that even when I want nothing more than to punch through a wall, I don’t. I leave the room or take a bath or go outside instead—generally screaming angry curses or nihilism in my head, but I still leave. I hold up my end of the bargain as best I can, and I apologize and ask for forgiveness and strength when I fail.

And I haven’t been fixed. I’m still a mess, and I suspect I probably will be, to some degree, for the rest of my life. But I made it through today. And I’ve made it through today for the last awful ten years of my life. The fact that I’m still breathing and still here is a miracle as well as a gift, and I choose to remember that even when it feels more like a curse. I will never be perfect, I will never be what I feel like I should be, I will never be the perfect picture of a Christian faithful. But I am still here. And I don’t believe God is ignoring that. And I don’t think He’s ignoring that you want to believe, either. I don’t believe for a second that He doesn’t know where you’ve been and what you’ve suffered. And I don’t believe that your prayers for the ability to love Him will ever be wasted, no matter how much it feels like they are.

“Be not deceived, Wormwood; our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”-C.S. Lewis

[eldritchsurveys]

915.

If you play The Sims, what occupation do you usually choose? >> I don’t have an occupation that I usually choose. I like to try out different ones, especially since you get different aspiration rewards from maxing out different professions. ...Not that I’ve ever gotten any of those, I can’t seem to play Sims consistently enough to actually max anything out.

Do you know any funny acronyms? If so, tell us a few! >> I can’t think of any funny acronyms... what even makes an acronym funny? Is it, like... SPEW from Harry Potter?

Do you always have to listen to music? >> Not always. But often.

What was the last rule you broke? >> I don’t even know what rules I’m supposed to be bound by, aside from, like... the law.

Have you ever apologized to someone, but didn't mean it? >> I don’t think so. I prefer to just not apologise at all, if I don’t actually mean it.

What is the one thing that you can't resist? >> Stories about mortals getting freaky with eldritch abominations.

Have you ever done another persons homework for money? >> No.

Would you rather have the power to heal or to destroy? >> I’m pretty sure I have the power to do either one, considering those are both things humans are capable of doing with the right resources and knowledge. Also, I’m a child of Red and White, so... you know. Choosing one side or the other is never an option.

If you could be any kitchen utensil, which one would you be? >> Why would I want to be a kitchen utensil?

If you were the paparazzi, who would you stalk? >> I would never be a paparazzo.

What would you do if you were literally stuck in a video game? >> It would obviously depend on what video game I was stuck in, wouldn't it...?

If you owned any animal, what gender would you prefer? >> ---

How much would you pay to see what happens after you die while living? >> I wouldn't pay anything. I mean, that's a strange trade, innit? Meaningless human currency given in return for one of the universe's greatest-kept secrets?

Does your pet often jump onto the keyboard? >> ---

Have you ever treated someone like they were nothing? >> I don’t know, maybe.

Do you feel bad when you forget someones birthday? >> Not usually.

Would you ever name two guard dogs Lynyrd and Skynyrd? >> Hell yeah.

Would you name two guard dogs something similar? >> Helter and Skelter would be fun. Or Abbott and Costello. Heh.

If it was the old days, would you challenge your ex to a sword fight? >> No.

Does it frighten you when animals get into fights? >> Not unless I’m somehow in danger.

For guys: Would you give anything to just carry a cute girls books? For girls: Would you do anything to hold a cute boys hand? >> ---

Have you ever witnessed a ghost playing a piano? >> Now that’d be something to see.

Have you ever changed your favorite color? >> I’ve really only had one in recent years.

Have you ever met any kind strangers? >> Yes.

Would you give anything to be in a certain moment in history? >> No.

When you were little did you touch just about everything in the store? >> No. My father was the hitting type, so I tended to keep my hands to myself out of fear if nothing else.

Do you ever leave your drinks out in the open at a party? >> No.

Are you sometimes a bit too nice? >> I’m usually not "nice” enough, by other people’s standards. Which is fine with me, I think too many people conflate being a compassionate and respectful person with being a fucking pushover.

Do you have to be insensitive if you want to survive in the world? >> Actually, I don’t believe this at all. Despite the fact that I was obviously conditioned to be insensitive and emotionally disconnected, myself. I don’t think it’s done me any favours at all. What was supposed to be a protective measure, a defense, just ended up being a millstone around my neck.

Have you ever listened to a song over and over until it got old? >> Yeah. Not often, though.

In magazines, do you like to smell the pages with perfume scents? >> I did when I was younger. I avoid that kind of thing now.

Have you ever ordered anything from a catalog? >> No.

Has there ever been something so beautiful that you wanted to cry? >> Sure.

Would you support a family member if they became an actor/actress? >> ---

Would you hire someone to scare someone? >> No?

It is in the time of the Salem Witch Trials. Would you be a witch? >> My understanding is that most of the people accused of witchcraft weren’t witches in the first place. Also, there’s one very glaring problem with these hypothetical questions: whose body am I in? If I’m in mine, then what I know of my ethnicity suggests that I wouldn’t be anywhere near Salem during this time period.

What if you were falsely accused of being a witch? >> ---

Is your heart all good or are you still picking up the pieces? >> I’m not in cardiac arrest so I guess my heart is fine for now.

Have you ever opened a loud package in a very quiet environment? >> Well, yeah, like I’ve opened packages while at home alone...

Do you add z's at the end of a word that normally ends with an 's'? >> No.

In libraries, do you tend to whisper just because it is quiet? >> No, I have a low-pitched voice so if I speak at my normal volume it’s pretty quiet as it is. Whispering has this sibilant quality that makes it seem even louder to me, actually.

Did you ever dream of getting into Harvard? >> No.

Do you believe you have to be smart to get through a school like that? >> Not necessarily. There are studious and passionate people who get into Harvard, of course... but my understanding of schools like that is most of the student body got in there by the virtue of the Almighty Dollar.

If you got offered a high paying job without a degree, would you accept? >> What...?

Are you uncomfortable when standing close to strangers? >> Yes. Very.

If you were living on the streets, would you become a thief? >> I did a little thievery while I lived on the streets, mostly from places like Duane Reade (convenience/drug store). But I wouldn’t say I “became a thief”.

Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? >> Much of the criteria of complex post-traumatic stress disorder are applicable to me. So I’ve come to understand a lot of my responses to the world through that lens.

Are you still trying to decide what you want to do for a living? >> No.

Would you be scared if you lived in an old house from the 18th century? >> Not for that reason.

Have you applied to many jobs but haven't gotten one interview? >> I did when I was young. Which is fine, because I probably wouldn’t have been hired anyway (and if I had, it would have been a horrible experience).

Is your laugh more like a giggle or a roar? >> I don’t know, man. I don’t analyse my laughs.

Don't you wish there was such thing as a teleportation device? >> Sometimes.

Can you eat a lemon or is it just too sour or gross? >> I can eat a lemon. I like sour.

Crayons, markers, charcoal, or colored pencils? >> Markers.

Can you draw with charcoal without the picture looking like a blob? >> I don’t know.

Do you hate it when guests come over and they never want to leave? >> I haven’t had this experience, but also, I’m not afraid to start kicking people out when I’m tired of their presence.

Do you like to try to figure out what is wrong with people physically? >> What???

Do you have a relative that'll talk like there is no tomorrow? >> ---

Currently are you experiencing a lot of doubt? >> Not... really?

Do you think you're a real family person? >> I’m not. I’m averse to everything about the word “family”, and have been since I was young. Guess that’s what happens when you’re abandoned by the parent you’re supposed to bond with, and emotionally neglected by the other one that got stuck with you.

Are you a person that'll draw attention to themselves? >> I mean, not intentionally? I don’t really know what this is asking.

Have you ever eavesdropped on all the wrong parts of a conversation? >> This reminds me of that facebook group, Overheard in New York. I’ve overheard some hilarious snippets of conversation in NYC, just because it’s impossible to avoid.

Ever had a clubhouse? Ah, the good days, right? >> No.

[hanieldeguzman]

Through Thick and Thin

There’s a reason why I took a break in ministry. Here it is. I had to deal with wrestling some of the things that God has allowed in my life - the struggle is so real. It took months for me to fully get up on my feet. But that season of being broken by God was one of the best ones. I’ve learned about the grace and mercy of God ten times more in darkness than in the good. It helped me establish who Christ really is in me and who I am in Him. Accepting some things in your life, where God placed me was dreadful but now I begin to see a mission field - that wherever I am, whether I like it or not, trusting in God as Savior and relying on Him is the ultimate good that I can have. The rest are just secondary. It depends on us how we will be stewards. 

In that season of brokenness I’ve learned to think, to thank the Lord, and to love people more as I experience His grace more. I’ve learned to lead people compassionately. In other words, I focused my ministry that is not music related. I’ve learned to prioritize my family, my disciples, my discipleship groups, my study of the Bible, and broadened my knowledge more on Calvinism and immersed my self in Tim Keller wisdom - the theology I’ve been learning were just for the sake of pride before. But now, my love for God increases as I know more about Him in an organized fashion. Those things helped me to become the person who I am now. I’ve stood up, but I’m still recovering for the loss of opportunity of the life I wanted to have. But it’s okay because I got more of Christ which is the only treasure I have in this life and in the next. 

As my mentor “maybe, somehow” knew that I am again ready and capable to be at my best, he asked me if I could help take the lead for Elevate Sunday but for just one Sunday and if I could get a team composed of the “old ones”. It’s been a long time since I’ve served as a ministry head. I even doubted myself due to such a dreadful time that I’ve had. I can’t even seem to recall how to become a good leader. But yes, it’s a month long preparation for me.

And so, the story continues. I was able to get the “old school” indeed. All of us serving for more than 3 years in the ministry, the majority are already working. But, these are the best people I think the youth ministry has bred to be one of the finest in terms of service, heart, and talent.

With the fruits I’ve learned in my time of brokenness, I thank the Lord for changing me even in the way I lead the people I became family with in serving. Being music director and worship oversight for them is not an easy task. But from planning the songs, rehearsing, the arrangements, the crunchtime decisions, the shenanigans we’ve done, the time we’ve spent backstage, and of course the opportunity to lead thousands to worship. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I praise God for these guys. My heart is overwhelmed. When an opportunity strikes again if I could serve, through thick or thin, we’ll do it to please Him.

[katachii]

gamebreaker.

Dear _________,

I can’t believe I’m actually writing something like this right now and I feel really stupid doing so sitting here at my desk, but I’ve got to get this out of my head and just release this from myself because it grips me so. To be honest, I can write poems about you and empathize with quotes on love and pray day to day on this. But I think until the day comes where I’ve told you this I don’t think it will ever really truly be laid to rest in my heart. So hopefully even though it is likely these words never reveal themselves to you or they never reach your ears, at the very least I can hold onto some lame hope that there is a chance you might, no matter how infinitesimally small a chance that is. And hopefully that hope is enough knowing I’ve already said something and that time will do the rest. Here goes.  _________, I have never loved anyone quite in the way as I do you. And I’d be damned if I ever stopped. Because I’ve never felt something so damn real in my life. So real that even as much of a far cry as it is for anything to materialize between us I’d be an idiot distance myself and turn away form it again. It’s more unhealthy to deny the truth of my heart than to live a love through my life knowing it’s a dream that may never take fruit. Because if I can’t live moving forward on accepting this simple truth, how can I accept who I am and who I will become? If I settle for a fabricated lie onto myself in an attempt to move forward, how can I live continuing to accept what’s real and to know the difference? As a matter of fact, I’ve never talked and prayed to God about someone as much as I have you.  I’m a madman. And I’d be remiss to say the reality of my love for you didn’t drive me to madness more than once before. Seven years of a love nurtured and denied and rediscovered over and over again for you will do that. Seriously, it was a damn warring cycle on repeat. But I swear I’ve only been made better by it. I know that for a fact. Seven years I asked myself, “Wtf _____, you’ve still not moved on?” The answer is no. and yes. No, because to really love someone in the way I do you is not some desk lamp you turn off and turn on when you leave the house and come back home. It’s more like a furnace that burns on despite the heat and soot that is produced because it keeps the ship moving forward. This love in my life, has not just been some fickle feeling. It’s defining. It’s gamebreaking. It’s legit. And at times, annoyingly so. Four years ago, when you said “no”, I took my love for you as my cross to bear.  And recently, I’ve tried to move on multiple times. But in doing so, only confirmed what I already knew. ________ told me once that someone can only move on by finding someone knew. I knew someone else could never be enough. You’re not replaceable. And to be honest I highly doubt I’ll ever love someone else as I do you. But I tried. With ______, _______, ___. With _____, I simply said no. Because how could I build a relationship with her knowing my love lies with you? Same thing with _______. I couldn’t do it. Because I knew in my heart I had a greater love that’s burning. But finally I decided to take that chance with ___. And I knew. My heart wasn’t in it enough. I was giving half of myself. I felt like a scumbag. Because each night I questioned it all. And yeah we just started dating and not even for that long . But you know that the extent that I’d go for someone I love. And I just didn’t do that and if I had I can almost guarantee she would’ve never brought up to take a break. Because I knew if it was you, the fact that you’re always on my mind would be a driving force in itself and I wouldn’t be shameful to do the most grandiose shit no matter how much it might make you cringe. Truth is, my mind wasn't on ___ as much as it was with you. I was a scumbag. I knew this in my heart and although I wanted to make it work, I knew it’d be for my sake to get over you. And I couldn't go forward with it. I’d be making ____ an object of a goal in doing so.  So I come back to “Wtf _____, you’ve still not moved on?” The other answer: yes I have. Yes because I love you now very differently from the day I knew I fell in love with you. That’s the difference. Because I’ve not simply just fallen in love with you. I’ve walked in love for you. I’ve journeyed this love. And I’ve continued to love. So much that every day I’ve chosen to love you. Because there have been days, like in this past summer, where I knew there would be no relationship to gain, but I was compelled to somehow make your day even just a tad bit greater. By praying for you while you were prepping for NCLEX, by taking you out for some comfort food to make test day just a bit more bearable, and praying you’d receive your pass results early just so you could catch a break and have the peace of heart to heal by giving as much of yourself while you were in Peru. By praying that by being in Peru you’d have the quality time and charity to heal. By choosing to work with you at the diabetes camp despite knowing how vulnerable it’d make me. And by celebrating and having a great time with you celebrating your nurse licensure in NYC.  But once again I’d be remiss to say my heart doesn’t want more. And this altruistic love wasn’t always so. At first, yes I was a selfish bastard. I wanted you for myself. I was immature and governed by my emotions back in high school. and even more so the night of your prom. All I could think in that moment was “You’re gonna have to take that chance.” I was so wrong. As beautiful as you were that night, that didn't make it right. And what followed that November hurt like no other. Brookdale Park when you said “you owe me nothing”, you saw right through me and from then on I saw how low you saw me. Even though I was the one letting you down. “Never again” I told myself. I avoided you for that year. Barely contacted you, spoke to you, thank God “Find my friends” and snapchat locations had not been created yet because everyone might have seen my fraud ass at home saying I was out while everyone else was movie-nighting at your house. It wasn't really until two years later in 2015 that I could bring myself to even share the same airspace as you. Because for those two years I forced myself to hate you in a desperate attempt to dissolve how I felt. But 2015 quickly reminded me just how much I really love the person you are. The warmth you carry with you. The energy you take on to make the most of each moment. How you try and see the good in everyone. I found myself jealous even. But by then that didn’t even matter. I was just comforted by how organic your love for life and those around you was, despite everything you were going through with your Dad that same year. Since then I chose to love you. Not because it’d be a choice to, despite the difficulty, but because I was simply compelled to. To love you to heaven if you will. Instead of turning away and leaving it behind me. I’ve moved on with it. Matured by it. And have been made better from it.  I know it still probably doesn’t make sense. But this is why it’s so hard to tell you. I suppose I should answer the question, “Why you?” I once wrote a poem about a “girl that changed my life” long ago and how in it I describe you as someone I knew would mean something great to me. Funny how that still holds true to this day. The reason I love you is something that for seven years I’ve had to validate, re-validate, and then discover why and continue to discover why. For the longest time, the cliché, “you just know” was the only thing that fit. And I feel it takes a lifetime to really complete such reasoning. But by now I’ve grasped some of the deeper reasons. When I first really met you at __________ at age 15, I had this feeling you were gonna be important to me. I didn’t know why as I didn’t even know your last name at the time. And these past two years, I’ve prayed and reflected why God would nurture such a strong love for someone in me when that someone could never love me the way I love her? What a question. It’s because He wanted to teach me how to love. And what love is. And what it takes. And most importantly my true capacity to love. The last of these is what’s made you the gamechanger. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to yell at that diner restaurant in Montclair when you said to me ____ made you feel a way you never knew you could. If only you knew how much that rattled me. But it’s true. Similarly, you’ve set a bar in my life. A benchmark if you will. You criticized me at Brookdale Park that day for putting you on some pedestal. I don’t think you realized then how much of a confirmation of a confession of love that was. I didn’t even realize it myself at the time and blatantly denied it. But you’re damn right I put those I love on a pedestal. But only for you it was that pedestal. The one reserved in my heart. But you were right, I did treat you special and I realize now that if I could love you that hard, to this extent, even after all these years later, I have the capability to love others just as much. You revealed that to me. And from then on, in loving others I see how much I love you and how much more love I have to give or have in me to give.  Such a person like you will stay with me. 

Lastly, _________, I want you to know, that yes, I owe you nothing and conversely you will never owe me anything. I only want you, as real and honest, and sincere as you are. Your genuine self. Even if your honest heart holds no such feeling like mine. Truly, I really just want to tell you. But I kind of feel like you already see it in the way I catch myself slipping when I look at you. I look at you the same as I have seven years ago, only now with a greater understanding. This is my cross. And in no fault to you. You can’t help being the beautiful, amazing, motivating, inspiring, driven and compassionate person you are. This is entirely on me. Although it hasn’t always been, my love is and will continue to strive to be altruistic. I want to love you to heaven. In some way or another. 

[lady-inanna13-blog]

Whether you look at Karma from fear or level-headed expectation, you can be sure that what goes around, comes around.

It’s easy to slide into the mindset of anger and self-righteous indignation when we have been (or are being) victimized. It’s perfectly understandable to be pissed off at some offense and say to ourselves (or to someones face), “Karma is going to get you!” Vengeance is a human inclination. I’m not commenting here on whether it’s a “natural” inclination or not. Only that humans can “go there” pretty quickly. And from my experience as a “victim” at times in my life, it’s very easy for me to understand. But I don’t want to talk about the “serving” side of Karma. I want to talk about the “receiving” end. That’s where I am right now......

A little about me: 

Years ago, I was pretty disappointed in myself. I wasn’t the person I could be, nor the person I wanted to be. I was a good person all in all but I had this area in my personal life that was hurting others. A “character defect” if you will. I hurt my family and lost the love of my life because of some bad choices and reckless behavior. I’m sure you will relate, because we all have hurt those we love. Enough said about that.

Many years later, today in fact, I am very happy with the “me” I am. My family and I have reconciled and are lovingly dysfunctional with much humor. I love where I am today. With them; but, there’s more!

I am very close to someone who is currently living the lifestyle I lived back in the day, when I didn’t like myself. I could walk away, and actually have several times out of disgust and frustration. But we are still very close friends. We have recently set up “boundaries” because of the chaos and personal space violations that accompany this lifestyle. Now, without going into my personal situation too deeply, I will say that I am in this situation out of necessity rather than choice. It is what it is, and I have to be here. So, I am getting a “crash course” in Karma. I’m on the receiving end of it. I am being hit right between the eyes with all of my past behavior, bad choices, ridiculous, chaotic insanity. And I can’t stand it. But I’ve made a choice here, and I’m running with it. Here it is:

I/we can come at Karma from two places: 1. fear. 2. Level-headed acceptance.

If I come at it from fear, I’m embracing my “come-upance”. I’m saying to myself, “I deserve this”, and “Karma is going to make me pay” for all the shit I pulled back in the day. This perspective is natural for me, because I tend to be real hard on myself and still feel bad about my past mistakes. I don’t carry around a ton of guilt but I do remember. I don’t want to forget.

So....I am making a choice. I am coming at this from a perspective that accepts this time and experience with my friend, as a lesson to be learned. But it goes deeper still. I choose to pick it all apart and really “see” me and my mistakes clearly and the mess I left behind. The reason I am looking at it this way is because accepting my own past mistakes and doing so in a way that results in “self-love”, is healthy and enlightening. So, I am embracing my friends’ actions with tolerance and “jaw clenching” acceptance. All the while, plugging away at changing my situation. Here’s what I’m learning at the moment:

I’m seeing “me” from my family’s perspective. I’m seeing “me” from my exes point of view. I made choices in their faces to keep doing what I was doing despite their broken hearts and begging me to stop. I created chaos for everyone. I destroyed peace. I made a calm house impossible. 

In all that I am learning about myself right now, the thing that has had the most impact on me is the fact that the level of selfishness I lived in is deeper and more hurtful than I ever realized. 

I am not beating myself up over it. I am embracing the knowledge that I am and have been capable of being a destructive force in the lives of those around me. 

This is Karma, believe me. Karma is a “harsh mistress”. But, I’m going to take it like a “champ” and allow the lessons to mold me into yet, a better person. This experience is causing me to feel empowered and driven to reach out to others that have also been hurtful and destructive, and help them see that they in turn can alter their course, stop the madness and heal their relationships. We can make amends. I believe this is a very healthy alternative to facing the reality of Karma, from a fear based perspective. Although my personal situation is maddening and exhausting, it’s also an awesome opportunity to grow. That’s what I’m doing. And I know that I’m changing. I see it myself. 

**A note about my friend**

I love my friend. Our friendship means so much to “J”, that in my time of need, I have everything I need. Our friendship is solid. My heart breaks daily for “J”. Aside from the frustration, I feel helpless to stop the chaos. I want to be here for “J”. I am trying hard not to judge. Not to condemn. “J” is a really good person and very compassionate and helpful wherever help is needed. The reality is that the cause of all the turmoil is here. And “J” lives it everyday. We talk about it, and I share stories from my past. “J” feels bad and cries sometimes. But “J” also insists that it’s not going to end. “J” is in a place where “acceptance” of the problem is in fact a form of giving up. Of accepting that one is powerless to stop. I’ve been there. And so I love “J” in spite of it. 

Now for a little advice to you, if you are on the receiving end of your “Karmic Debt”:

Don’t freak out. Relax. Breath. Get into your head and find the “you” you used to be, and look at it. Accept your past choices and behavior for what they were. All the ugly, painful truth of it, accept it. Then embrace your current reality and know that this is an opportunity for growth. Don’t harbor fear and resentment over your situation because that will only make you angrier. Please lose the idea that what’s happening now is somehow “unfair” to you. Because it’s not. Your situation is one where you can begin to develop a change of heart and outlook. Begin to “grow” a compassionate quality that is tolerant of others at least. And may become accepting and loving to those that are where you were long ago. This is the perfect opportunity for change and growth. And the people or person that you’re involved with now that are causing you and others so much stress, just may find in you, the strength to change as well. That should make it all worth while. And if no change comes, and you are able to disengage from the situation, then you will come through it much stronger and more firm in your resolve about your own growth. That is self-love. And you, my Sister or Brother, are more than worthy!

Be strong, steady, level-headed, kind (to yourself and others), tolerant, and accepting. You can do it, I believe in you!

[erraticfairy]

Spreading Hope for Depression Through Adventure Racing

Depression is a common bond. It brings people to me that inspire me in ways I never thought possible. Shawn Beardon is one of those people.

Shawn reached out to me via my foundation, iFred, and asked if we could work together raising awareness for mental health issues while making a dream of his come true. As iFred has big dreams of teaching hope around the world, it seemed like a perfect partnership. What he is about to attempt is mind blowing, as those with depression know during our darkest days, what he is trying to accomplish is probably the last thing we would ever imagine doing.

If you know of any major brand sponsors, athletes that might want to support, or corporate sponsors I hope you share his message. I can only imagine the courage and bravery it took of Shawn to commit to attempting such a feat, and hope we can all support him on his journey through his Go Fund Me Campaign.

I had a few questions about his incredible feat, hope you enjoy.

Kathryn Goetzke, iFred Founder: Tell us a little about your upcoming adventure.

Shawn Beardon, Adventurer: I’ll run 7 marathons on 7 continents in 7 days on a World Marathon Challenge in January 2018. The adventure begins with a marathon in Antarctica and finishes in Sydney, Australia less than 168 hours later! It’s an epic physical and psychological challenge. The event has been held once each year since 2015, and some of the toughest runners from around the world have completed it.

KG: Why did you choose to give back to depression?

SB: The message has to be clearer, stronger, and louder that depression is not to be hidden, marginalized, or stigmatized. It’s okay to have depression, it’s okay to tell someone, it’s okay to ask for help. Having depression doesn’t mean you’re weak or damaged; asking for help or telling someone about your depression is strength. It’s interesting to look at how you phrased this question…give back to depression…as if it has given me something. Indeed it has.

It has given me a perspective on life and an understanding of the human condition that has made me far more compassionate. In that compassion and empathy, I’m finding happiness and joy. Depression is a real thing, it isn’t going away any time soon. But I’m in a position and mindset now to talk openly about my story and let others know that they’re not alone, they’re not helpless, and they are strong.

KG: How has depression impacted your life and those around you?

SB: Like a parasite, nobody but I knew I had. It ate at the fabric of everything that held me together. To most of my friends, I was the guy who didn’t care what others thought about me, the one who always seemed to have it all figured out and together, the one always smiling and joking. That was the side of me that I showed, while I disengaged with life, lost my motivations, and thought there was no hope for true happiness.

Depression is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever experienced. I run ultra-marathons on mountain trails, I was once a high level soccer player, I have a PhD, etc. I’m no stranger to hard work, both physically and mentally. Yet nothing compares to the total draining fatigue of depression; it’s exhausting. I wanted so badly to stop feeling so tired. Finally telling my wife was the start of learning that I didn’t always have to hold myself up, be strong, pretend I’m happy, or be something I’m not. That was the start of my recovery.

KG: What have been the most effective ways for you to manage your depression?

SB: Several steps have been useful. First, accepting it and knowing that those I love most accept me with it.

Second, and what has been very important, is stopping my thoughts when I feel them ‘going dark’ (that’s what I call it). Much like a surge of adrenaline, I can feel the dark rushing in, usually for no apparent reason. My thoughts follow. So, I stop and force myself to actively think of things that are distracting; they don’t always have to be good things and may simply be about describing what I see around me. I continue this with all my effort and I’ve gotten much faster and better at staying out of the spiral of negative self-dialogue.

Third, finding someone to share my time with. I find my wife and just engage about anything. It can even be texting if necessary. If she’s unavailable, which is rare, then I find one of our cats at home, or listen to a podcast or go for a run. Sometimes it’s cooking a meal that will take my mind to a better place. These practices have helped tremendously.

None of them really get at the underlying bases of my thoughts. Working through the nature and origins of my negative thoughts is a much more complex discussion/interview. Suffice it to say that I’ve spent a lot of time working through my feelings while keeping a distance from them – I work on understanding the true nature of my feelings as if they were someone else’s and I am counseling that other person. That approach has helped tremendously. If I start to feel the feelings as I work on understanding them, I go back to step two above.

KG: Do you have any tips for athletes or others struggling with depression?

SB: It doesn’t define you, it isn’t who you are. It is something that you have and something that you can modify. Seek to understand, to work with, and ultimately to be able to control rather than to fix or cure. Those are rules for growth. But first, tell someone about your depression; don’t hide it. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but tell someone.

I’ve always been athletic and highly driven to perform at a high level – that probably has some of the same psychological origins as my depression. And, I’ve always found walking or running to feel good. No matter my mood, going for a walk (or run) always makes me feel better. I’d encourage everyone to at least try some physical activity when they feel their mood declining. Standing at your desk, a couple of jumping jacks, stretch tall toward the ceiling, walk to the bathroom or water cooler at work even if you don’t really need to…move a little. Get someone to join you, perhaps someone you’ve told about your depression. It may not work for everyone but it has always helped me.

KG: Why is this project particularly important to you?

SB: It’s my coming out party? My wife, my doctor, and a therapist are the only people who knew of my depression prior to launching this very public adventure. I do have a tendency to go big right from the start. Indeed, my parents learned about my depression along with the rest of the world when I posted my http://ift.tt/2nSQHVK page on Facebook. I got a text from them, “Can we call you?”, soon after. Part of my therapy now is owning it. I have to accept myself and I have to know that I am helping at least one other person to get help and find support. All my life, people have seen me as tough, strong willed, determined, driven, hard. I was always trying to outwardly cover over the weakness I felt because of my perceptions of the stigma of having depression. I’ve heard people say that suicide is ‘weak’, ‘cowardly’, ‘selfish’. People in my own family have said that. Any wonder why I kept my thoughts hidden? Well, it’s none of those things. We have to end that stigma, and often the ignorance. There is love in the world, massive amounts of it, and goodness, and joy. Everyone deserves it and everyone can find it.

KG: During your darkest of days, what brought you Hope?

SB: I had a very quiet voice telling me that it is possible to be happy, or at least to have meaning in life. I wanted to believe that voice and clung to it often. Perhaps that was a source of hope for me. What really kept me going, and still does, is love for my wife. My plans to end my life developed slowly, over years.

By the time I had well established plans, the only thing that kept me from following through was knowing the pain I’d cause my wife. I would rather suffer in unimaginable ways than cause her such pain. It’s morbid but that’s what kept me alive. I couldn’t figure out how to keep her suffering to an acceptable minimum. If I hadn’t told her, I may have gotten past that. But that’s what kept me going for the year or so before I told her. Now, I take every opportunity to actively find joy in all of the simple things and I try not to want for anything that doesn’t bring true value and joy to my day.

KG: Why are you choosing to support iFred, and their program to teach kids Hope?

SB: I chose iFRED because I’m in sync with the mission, values, and emphasis on supporting both education and research, ending the stigma, and helping all people, especially kids. I think that I would have loved myself far more, or at least liked myself far more, had I understood that depression was okay when I was young.

One of the phrases I heard a lot when I was young was about ‘living up to your potential’. I loathe that idea. Lots of people have great potential and aptitude for things that don’t bring them joy. What was valued most was the idea of working hard to be at the top of the class, being first, getting the high paying job, buying the big house, etc.

My father once said that I should take a summer job in Washington, D.C. when I was in high school that I didn’t want because not doing so would put me “behind the power curve”. I took it and it was miserable. I got my PhD basically because it was the pinnacle of academia, not because I really wanted it. Somehow that was going to make me happy.

Kids have the right mindset from the start and we teach it out of them. Start with joy; success will follow when you follow what brings you joy. Now I see success as the happiness experienced while doing good.

KG: What message do you want people to take away from your adventure?

SB: ‘Epic’ is inside of you. We can do epic things, think epic thoughts, and have epic influence over one another. You are good, capable, worthy, and (above all) not alone. Running 7 marathons on 7 continents in 7 days is amazing, sure, but no more so than volunteering at your local food bank or simply being kind to others. People listen when you do monumental things and your message can be delivered to a larger audience. By running this challenge, I’ll get that voice. But, we can all do epic things and have epic influence in our daily lives, too. Running is a metaphor for fighting depression. One step at a time. You may not be able to take 50,000 steps in a row right now, but you can take one, and then another…

KG: How can people support you on this bold initiative?

Go to http://ift.tt/2nSQHVK

There are a lot of logistics that go into something so big. And that’s costly. But, ultimately it can be the stage or platform from which to spread the message.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2otFrRe via theshiningmind.com

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Spreading Hope for Depression Through Adventure Racing

Depression is a common bond. It brings people to me that inspire me in ways I never thought possible. Shawn Reardon is one of those people.

Shawn reached out to me via my foundation, iFred, and asked if we could work together raising awareness for mental health issues while making a dream of his come true. As iFred has big dreams of teaching hope around the world, it seemed like a perfect partnership. What he is about to attempt is mind blowing, as those with depression know during our darkest days, what he is trying to accomplish is probably the last thing we would ever imagine doing.

If you know of any major brand sponsors, athletes that might want to support, or corporate sponsors I hope you share his message. I can only imagine the courage and bravery it took of Shawn to commit to attempting such a feat, and hope we can all support him on his journey through his Go Fund Me Campaign.

I had a few questions about his incredible feat, hope you enjoy.

Kathryn Goetzke, iFred Founder: Tell us a little about your upcoming adventure.

Shawn Beardon, Adventurer: I’ll run 7 marathons on 7 continents in 7 days on a World Marathon Challenge in January 2018. The adventure begins with a marathon in Antarctica and finishes in Sydney, Australia less than 168 hours later! It’s an epic physical and psychological challenge. The event has been held once each year since 2015, and some of the toughest runners from around the world have completed it.

KG: Why did you choose to give back to depression?

SB: The message has to be clearer, stronger, and louder that depression is not to be hidden, marginalized, or stigmatized. It’s okay to have depression, it’s okay to tell someone, it’s okay to ask for help. Having depression doesn’t mean you’re weak or damaged; asking for help or telling someone about your depression is strength. It’s interesting to look at how you phrased this question…give back to depression…as if it has given me something. Indeed it has.

It has given me a perspective on life and an understanding of the human condition that has made me far more compassionate. In that compassion and empathy, I’m finding happiness and joy. Depression is a real thing, it isn’t going away any time soon. But I’m in a position and mindset now to talk openly about my story and let others know that they’re not alone, they’re not helpless, and they are strong.

KG: How has depression impacted your life and those around you?

SB: Like a parasite nobody but I knew I had. It ate at the fabric of everything that held me together. To most of my friends, I was the guy who didn’t care what others thought about me, the one who always seemed to have it all figured out and together, the one always smiling and joking. That was the side of me that I showed, while I disengaged with life, lost my motivations, and thought there was no hope for true happiness.

Depression is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever experienced. I run ultra-marathons on mountain trails, I was once a high level soccer player, I have a PhD, etc. I’m no stranger to hard work, both physically and mentally. Yet nothing compares to the total draining fatigue of depression; it’s exhausting. I wanted so badly to stop feeling so tired. Finally telling my wife was the start of learning that I didn’t always have to hold myself up, be strong, pretend I’m happy, or be something I’m not. That was the start of my recovery.

  KG: What have been the most effective ways for you to manage your depression?

SB: Several steps have been useful. First, accepting it and knowing that those I love most accept me with it.

Second, and what has been very important, is stopping my thoughts when I feel them ‘going dark’ (that’s what I call it). Much like a surge of adrenaline, I can feel the dark rushing in, usually for no apparent reason. My thoughts follow. So, I stop and force myself to actively think of things that are distracting; they don’t always have to be good things and may simply be about describing what I see around me. I continue this with all my effort and I’ve gotten much faster and better at staying out of the spiral of negative self-dialogue.

Third, finding someone to share my time with. I find my wife and just engage about anything. It can even be texting if necessary. If she’s unavailable, which is rare, then I find one of our cats at home, or listen to a podcast or go for a run. Sometimes it’s cooking a meal that will take my mind to a better place. These practices have helped tremendously.

None of them really get at the underlying bases of my thoughts. Working through the nature and origins of my negative thoughts is a much more complex discussion/interview. Suffice it to say that I’ve spent a lot of time working through my feelings while keeping a distance from them – I work on understanding the true nature of my feelings as if they were someone else’s and I am counseling that other person. That approach has helped tremendously. If I start to feel the feelings as I work on understanding them, I go back to step two above.

  KG: Do you have any tips for athletes or others struggling with depression?

SB: It doesn’t define you, it isn’t who you are. It is something that you have and something that you can modify. Seek to understand, to work with, and ultimately to be able to control rather than to fix or cure. Those are rules for growth. But first, tell someone about your depression; don’t hide it. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done but tell someone.

I’ve always been athletic and highly driven to perform at a high level – that probably has some of the same psychological origins as my depression. And, I’ve always found walking or running to feel good. No matter my mood, going for a walk (or run) always makes me feel better. I’d encourage everyone to at least try some physical activity when they feel their mood declining. Standing at your desk, a couple of jumping jacks, stretch tall toward the ceiling, walk to the bathroom or water cooler at work even if you don’t really need to…move a little. Get someone to join you, perhaps someone you’ve told about your depression. It may not work for everyone but it has always helped me.

  KG: Why is this project particularly important to you?

SB: It’s my coming out party? My wife, my doctor, and a therapist are the only people who knew of my depression prior to launching this very public adventure. I do have a tendency to go big right from the start. Indeed, my parents learned about my depression along with the rest of the world when I posted my GoFundMe.com/worldmarathons page on Facebook. I got a text from them, “Can we call you?”, soon after. Part of my therapy now is owning it. I have to accept myself and I have to know that I am helping at least one other person to get help and find support. All my life, people have seen me as tough, strong willed, determined, driven, hard. I was always trying to outwardly cover over the weakness I felt because of my perceptions of the stigma of having depression. I’ve heard people say that suicide is ‘weak’, ‘cowardly’, ‘selfish’. People in my own family have said that. Any wonder why I kept my thoughts hidden? Well, it’s none of those things. We have to end that stigma, and often the ignorance. There is love in the world, massive amounts of it, and goodness, and joy. Everyone deserves it and everyone can find it.

  KG: During your darkest of days, what brought you Hope?

SB: I had a very quiet voice telling me that it is possible to be happy, or at least to have meaning in life. I wanted to believe that voice and clung to it often. Perhaps that was a source of hope for me. What really kept me going, and still does, is love for my wife. My plans to end my life developed slowly, over years.

By the time I had well established plans, the only thing that kept me from following through was knowing the pain I’d cause my wife. I would rather suffer in unimaginable ways than cause her such pain. It’s morbid but that’s what kept me alive. I couldn’t figure out how to keep her suffering to an acceptable minimum. If I hadn’t told her, I may have gotten past that. But that’s what kept me going for the year or so before I told her. Now, I take every opportunity to actively find joy in all of the simple things and I try not to want for anything that doesn’t bring true value and joy to my day.

  KG: Why are you choosing to support iFred, and their program to teach kids Hope?

SB: I chose iFRED because I’m in sync with the mission, values, and emphasis on supporting both education and research, ending the stigma, and helping all people, especially kids. I think that I would have loved myself far more, or at least liked myself far more, had I understood that depression was okay when I was young.

One of the phrases I heard a lot when I was young was about ‘living up to your potential’. I loathe that idea. Lots of people have great potential and aptitude for things that don’t bring them joy. What was valued most was the idea of working hard to be at the top of the class, being first, getting the high paying job, buying the big house, etc.

My father once said that I should take a summer job in Washington, D.C. when I was in high school that I didn’t want because not doing so would put me “behind the power curve”. I took it and it was miserable. I got my PhD basically because it was the pinnacle of academia, not because I really wanted it. Somehow that was going to make me happy.

Kids have the right mindset from the start and we teach it out of them. Start with joy; success will follow when you follow what brings you joy. Now I see success as the happiness experienced while doing good.

  KG: What message do you want people to take away from your adventure?

SB: ‘Epic’ is inside of you. We can do epic things, think epic thoughts, and have epic influence over one another. You are good, capable, worthy, and (above all) not alone. Running 7 marathons on 7 continents in 7 days is amazing, sure, but no more so than volunteering at your local food bank or simply being kind to others. People listen when you do monumental things and your message can be delivered to a larger audience. By running this challenge, I’ll get that voice. But, we can all do epic things and have epic influence in our daily lives, too. Running is a metaphor for fighting depression. One step at a time. You may not be able to take 50,000 steps in a row right now, but you can take one, and then another…

  KG: How can people support you on this bold initiative?

Go to http://GoFundMe.com/worldmarathons

There are a lot of logistics that go into something so big. And that’s costly. But, ultimately it can be the stage or platform from which to spread the message.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/03/spreading-hope-for-depression-through-adventure-racing/