#and so yay an attempt at an unnecessary mind game

[kissmethroughthebone]

it's been three dates and this dude is already asking me about marriage and kids as a potential option in the future, that's crazy since i am hardly even finally remembering his name

"i like you a lot and i really enjoy talking to you, i think about you a lot" that's crazy because you genuinely mansplained drug psychosis to me as if i didnt tell you my own experiences AND script surrounding it the date before

like he's talked more about his ex with emotion than he has me so far (excluding me talking about moissanite at the Bloomingdale's counter)

[childrenofthenightt]

That’s The Way (Chapter 3)

Pairing: Jimmy Page x Reader

Word count: 3.7k

Warning(s): smut/nsfw, cheating, cursing, angst, Y/N being a badass :)

Author’s notes: We’ll be honest...this chapter is a lot to handle 😂 which is amazing since it’s only Chapter 3 of many! We suggest taking a break throughout, because you’re gonna need it 😂 So much happens that your mind may actually explode from the drama. By the way, Jimmy is introduced in the next chapter so yay! As usual, please enjoy, happy reading, and send us messages if you have theories, comments, music recommendations for the playlist, or if you want to be added to the tag list :)

Chapters: 1 | 2

————

Paul took Y/N out to dinner that week, and they had a wonderful time together. It seemed that every conversation they had together brought them closer and closer, and Y/N was in pure bliss. From that point forward, the two became inseparable.

Y/N’s parents, however, were not super pleased that Y/N was seeing Paul, especially because they had warned her about the romantically-unattached musician’s mannerisms and habits not that long ago. They just decided to act like they liked Paul, so he wouldn’t get suspicious or feel bad.

Two members of The Yardbirds in particular (and I’m sure, dear reader, that you know who they are by now) were hit with pangs of jealousy whenever they saw Y/N constantly attached to Paul’s arm. And, to make matters worse, it was under any circumstance imaginable: parties, interviews, photoshoots, meetings, airports, train stations, hotels...the list goes on. Yes, they did spend plenty of time apart, but attraction can make a man think irrationally. Even though they were specifically and strictly told to keep their mouths shut, it was very tempting to just say the truth and end their misery. A part of Chris and Jim felt happy to see her happy, but another, traitorous side of them felt exponentially bad for her. They knew that she was being used by Paul as arm-candy, and they knew that she, of all people, did not deserve that.

But that’s the name of the game, unfortunately.

~~~~~~~~

18 February 1966

The Yardbirds were scheduled to perform on an episode of Ready, Steady, Go! that night, and Y/N decided to go and be a part of the live audience. She felt an obligation to support Paul and the band, since they were all friends (and a boyfriend, of course) now.

Before the show, Jim, Jeff, and Keith were all sitting on the stage, discussing the logistics of the rehearsals that would start soon. Y/N stood in front of the already-prepared stage and chatted with them.

“So what are you guys going to do on our days off next week?” Jeff asked.

“Spend time with my family,” Keith replied, adjusting his sunglasses.

“Not sure yet, haven’t figured it out,” Jim added.

“How ‘bout you, Miss Y/N?” Jeff nodded towards her with a smile. She answered with a soft giggle.

“I’m probably going golfing with my brother and a couple mates.”

“You golf?” Jim asked. She seemed to be getting more and more perfect by the day.

“Mmhmm,” Y/N nodded enthusiastically, “I’m bloody awful at it, but it’s fun, and I can hang out with my brother, so it’s a win-win.”

“You never told us you had siblings,” Keith smirked, tilting to the side and crossing his arms.

“Oh yeah, I have three. There’s Tommy, my older brother; Charlie, my younger brother; and Lillian, my little sister,” Y/N said.

“Wow, full house,” Jeff remarked, “I have a sister, Annetta, who I think you’d get along with quite well. I’ll have to introduce you to her soon.”

“Oh, that’d be great! I’d love to meet another Beck,” Y/N replied playfully. Jeff just laughed and shook his head.

“It’s a shame that I can’t spend time with Paul this week. He said he was busy, but he didn’t explain why,” Y/N sighed, “whatever. It’s probably legitimate, so I don’t mind. We’ve been hanging out too much anyway.” She laughed at the last part.

“He’s probably just going home to his wife,” Jim replied, thoughtlessly.

At that instant, everyone’s eyes widened, eyebrows raised, and lips downturned into a shocked, panicked frown.

“He’s...what?” Y/N asked quietly, sounding like she was about to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.

Y/N noticed that Keith and Jeff were glaring at Jim, who was clearly embarrassed at what he had revealed. He hid his eyes with his hand.

When Jeff finally found it in him to turn away from Jim, he deeply exhaled. He then reached out his hands to touch Y/N’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort her.

“Look, Y/N, you weren’t supposed to find out this way, and I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you sooner,” Jeff began, “but he is indeed married. I honestly don’t know why he wanted to pursue you, and I warned him against it because of how much we care about you, but he did it anyway.”

Tears streamed down Y/N’s face and her bottom lip started to quiver. “I can’t believe this,” she whispered, “he made it seem like I was the only one…that he was really in love with me...”

Jeff hated seeing his friend cry because of something he could have prevented. But, Y/N was somehow still beautiful when she cried.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Jeff consoled gently, getting off the stage to hug her, “here, let’s take you backstage to calm you down a little.”

Y/N refused Jeff’s kind offer with a shake of the head. Through her blurry, teary-eyed vision, she just plastered on a smile, and wiped the wetness from her eyes.

“Ew,” her voice cracked, “why am I crying? That’s so gross of me, I’m so sorry. I’m definitely making you guys uncomfortable.”

The three musicians’ eyes widened at Y/N’s sudden burst of emotional strength.

“Y/N, you just found out you were Sam’s side chick, and you don’t care?” Jeff inquired, genuinely confused as to what was going on with Y/N’s emotions.

“It’s okay to be sad, love. And utterly fuming with anger. I must admit, this situation wouldn’t be as dire if it were someone else, but it’s you,” Keith added. Jim just sat in silence. He didn’t know what to say. His message destroyed Y/N’s heart and her innocence.

“I am sad, but if this ‘thing’ went on any longer, I’d probably be even more devastated. You saved me from a lot more unnecessary heartbreak, so thank you, Jim,” Y/N said. Her tone sounded completely numb.

“How are you gonna tell Sam?” Keith asked Y/N.

She exhaled deeply. “I don’t know. It wouldn’t be fair of me to lash out on him before being on national television.”

“How can you care about fairness? Don’t you realize what this man has done to you?” Jeff asked, anger interlaced in his voice.

“Yes, Jeff. I do,” Y/N replied stoically, “And I’ll be fine, really. Let’s just forget about it, okay? I’m just lucky to be here, watching you perform. What song are you playing again?” Y/N tried to change the subject, but on the inside she was in deep agony and pain. She poured all of this time and emotion and her body into this cute musician boy, just to realize she didn’t matter.

“‘Shapes of Thi—’” Keith began quietly.

Jeff cut him off. “Y/N, I seriously refuse to believe you’re okay. Please, just let me help y—” he started.

“Jeff! I’m fine! Seriously,” Y/N raised her voice a little, annoyed at the nagging.

“But you seem—” Jim began, barely perceptible.

“Oh my God, Jim, I’m fine!” Y/N shouted. “I don’t care. It’s done, it’s over.”

The three men sat in silence after Y/N’s sudden outburst of anger, which was very out of character for her. She quickly realized what she had done.

“I’m so sorry for lashing out on you guys. That was uncalled for, it’s not your fault. I’m gonna go to the loo, excuse me,” she said quickly, walking out of the scene before anyone could call after her.

~~~~~~~~

Y/N stayed in the bathroom for all of rehearsals, and she finally reemerged right before the broadcast was about to start, looking as fresh as she did when she got there. It was as if the news was never even brought to her attention.

She refused to make eye contact with Paul through the entire performance, even though it was apparent that he tried to get her attention with his eyes. Chris was just confused that she wouldn’t even dare to glance at Paul. Just a little trouble in paradise that he didn’t know about maybe?

After the show and when the band went offstage, Jeff went back into the crowd to check on Y/N and brought her backstage.

“You have to confront him,” Jeff pleaded.

“I don’t want to,” Y/N whined.

“You have to, or else he’ll bloody win! You don’t want that, and I sure as hell don’t want that for you either! He is the one at fault. You have every right to fuck him up for it.”

Jeff’s little speech gave her an impulsive boost of confidence.

“Fine. I’ll do it. Get everyone out of the room, though,” Y/N stated firmly, beginning to march down the hallway behind Jeff.

Momentarily, Jeff went into the room and rounded up Keith, Jim, and Chris, and filed them down the hallway into another room orderly.

As Y/N was about to enter the room, Jeff whispered in her ear, “Good luck, kid. Knock ‘em dead.” Y/N smiled at Jeff before entering the room and closing the door behind her.

~~~~~~~~

Paul warmly smiled at Y/N as she entered the room.

“Hello, love,” he said gently, “how did you enjoy the show?”

Y/N painted on the most genuine smile she could force. “It was...almost perfect.”

Paul’s eyebrow quirked as he smiled in a confused way. “Why almost?”

“I don’t think rehearsals went as well as I had planned,” Y/N replied smoothly.

“Why? Did something bad happen to you? You’re speaking in riddles, dear.”

“Oh, I apologize,” Y/N snickered, “it’s actually so funny that you bring up riddles, because that seemed to be the exact problem at hand.”

“What does that mean? Did someone tell you something you couldn’t figure out?” Paul chuckled, “You’re confusing me.”

“I figured out that you would be going home to your wife next week.”

All the colour from Paul’s face was drained in a millisecond, and his originally jovial expression was gone. It was as if someone punched him in the gut.

“Who...who told you?” he asked, panicked.

Y/N was taken aback. “I find out I’m your side-chick and you have the audacity to ask who told me? Not an ‘I’m so sorry that I lied to you and broke your heart, Y/N’?”

Paul huffed. “And you expect me to just keep my composure when someone of your gravity walks into the room for the first time? I really am sorry, Y/N, I truly, truly am, but—”

Y/N’s calm and quiet demeanor had left the building at that point. She was mad. Really mad.

“But what? You tell me how in love you are with me, and how I’m your one and only forever, just to realize that I didn’t matter? I’m going to be eighteen years old in March. Eighteen. What do I know about love? Nothing, absolutely nothing. And you chose to take full advantage of my emotional vulnerability.”

“But you did matter. You’re so special to me, Y/N. Don’t you understand that?”

“Don’t you understand that you have a wife? You never loved me. I was never special to you. I was just another fling. But you won’t admit it to yourself.”

“The life of a travelling musician is extremely difficult, Y/N, and you don’t get that,” Paul said severely.

“And that shouldn’t be used as an excuse. You know what? We’re done. Whatever this ‘thing’ is, is over. I wish you the best,” Y/N concluded as she walked out the door and sternly shut it.

The nightmare was over and Y/N was a free agent.

Before she could debrief about her experience with any of the other Yardbirds, Y/N left the venue, caught the first taxi home, ran up into her room, and cried herself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~

22 April 1966

Y/N found recovery time and solace in those two months without Paul. She didn’t go to any Yardbirds gigs, but she sporadically met up with Jeff, Keith, Jim, and Chris at a pub or restaurant to catch up over a meal and drinks. Chris had recently mentioned to her that they were playing in London on the 22nd, and if she felt comfortable, she could attend for free and get backstage to hang out.

Y/N said she’d have to think about it, but she’d definitely consider it.

She had realized over the course of two months that she was not truly in love with Paul. Yes, she fancied him, but she must’ve mistaken the feeling of being genuinely in love with the person for being in love with the situation. Y/N concluded that this relationship was the equivalent of living out one’s childhood dreams of a romance with their schoolgirl crush.

She decided that she was retired from dating for a long time, especially because of how this shitshow ended, but a miniscule piece of her wondered when and how she’d meet her other half.

In the afternoon on the day of the show, which was to be played at the Wimbledon Palais, Y/N made the reckless decision to take a trip down to the Yardbirds’ hotel, but not for the reason you might expect.

Y/N never got the chance to thank Jim McCarty for coming clean about Paul’s infidelity to his wife by “dating” her, and to formally apologize for ripping him at the Ready, Steady, Go! rehearsals. She felt bad for being so dismissive of him, because he was always so nice to her and apparently seemed to care more about her wellbeing than Paul ever did.

Y/N stood on the platform of the train station anxiously, meticulously scheming in her mind about what she would say to Jim to truly and genuinely express her gratitude. She thought about how the encounter would go all the way to London, and all the way on her walk to the hotel.

When she arrived at the hotel, she greeted the concierge, and took the elevator to what she believed to be the Yardbirds’ floor. She took an educated guess as to which room Jim’s would be, just by what she had seen in past times. Y/N took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

When the door opened, she realized that in her best interest, her guess was correct.

“Hi,” she greeted breathily, her fingers interlaced together in front of her timidly.

“Hi,” Jim smiled. After a short moment of awkward silence, he continued, “Um, what are you doing here? Not that it’s a bad thing, which it’s not, but…” he trailed off.

“I just wanted to tell you something that I think needed to be said in-person,” Y/N said quickly.

Jim raised his eyebrows in surprised delight. “Oh, okay.” He moved out of the way of the doorframe so Y/N could enter the room, then shut the door gently behind her. “Welcome to my humble abode,” he chuckled, “make yourself at home.”

Y/N smiled and thanked him graciously, but shyly, as she sat down at a small couch at the edge of the bed. Jim was quick to follow her actions.

Y/N took a deep breath before beginning, “I just wanted to thank you for informing me about Paul in February. I know, it’s been a really long time since then… but I’ve needed some time to myself to think and refocus and recuperate, y’know?”

Jim just laughed. “You came all the way here to thank me? That’s so nice of you. You didn’t need to do that.”

Y/N grinned. “I don’t know, I felt this obligation for some reason. And in addition, I wanted to apologize for lashing out at you as well. I was just shell-shocked, I guess, and I unfairly took it out on you and Jeff.”

“If I forgave you then, I’ll still forgive you now,” Jim smiled, “don’t sweat it. In all honesty, I was surprised at how well you took the news.”

“I just wanted to be as calm and composed as possible,” Y/N blushed, “but obviously I didn’t get very far, did I?” Jim laughed at Y/N’s little jab at herself.

“Well, you’re so quiet, at least you showed a piece of your inner self that night,” Jim teased. Y/N just beamed at him.

“You know, since I owe you, now… I guess I just need to live a little, y’know? I have this introverted shell I need to break out of someday, and I might as well start now,” Y/N offered with a chuckle. “So, with that being said, let me do something for you. Anything you want.”

“Oh no, that’s too much. You didn’t even cause me any grief,” Jim retaliated playfully, “thank you, Y/N, but I think you’re overthinking this whole situation.”

“Please,” she continued with a pleading voice, “I feel awful, and plus, if it makes you feel better, you’ll be helping me clear my conscience. Jim, I’ll do anything you want, no matter how crazy… I’ll take you jet-skiing, I’ll ride on a bike in a bikini when the temperature is below freezing, I’ll clean your kitchen… anything you want me to do, I will do.”

Jim grinned at the bizarre options Y/N gave him before contemplating her invocation for a moment. Anything, huh?

“Kiss me.”

“You said you'd do anything, no matter how crazy, yes?” Y/N didn't get a chance to finish, as Jim interrupted her with a hand at her wrist, and a flinty look in his eyes, that gazed right into hers.

“I did.”

“Well,” Jim continued, stepping ever-closer to the young woman in front of him. She looked just as beautiful as she always had, if not more. Jim was convinced she was perfect, and wanted to protect her. To treat her right, the way she deserved. “You could get on your knees, in front of me.”

Kneeling down on the carpeted floor, Y/N looked up at him through her eyelashes, and the glint in her eyes made his knees weak. She looked almost shy, and he couldn't help but send a comforting smile her way.

“Have you done this before, Y/N?”

She shook her head at this, and looked down, almost embarrassed. Jim, heart pounding in his chest in anticipation, reached out a hand to lift her head. Her eyes held trust, and a hint of nervousness, but her lips quirk up in a smile, her cheeks flushing.

“I’ll walk you through it, love.” The sound of a belt clinking to the floor reached Y/N’s ears, zipper following suit, and she couldn’t help the way she almost thrummed with anticipation. Her parents had warned her against exactly this type of thing. Musicians were, according to her parents, a fickle breed, who only wanted her for her looks and body. It hurt to think of it now, when Jim was being nothing but a gentleman to her. She wanted to break out of her shell, and maybe this was the way to do it.

Y/N looks to Jim and sees him exposed, fully hard now, and her cheeks erupt into shades of rosy pink. He was big, much bigger than she would have expected, and she smiled up at him.

“Okay, love. Open your mouth.” Y/N opened her mouth, sinking it over his tip, which elicits a strained moan, full of pleasure. His hand landed in Y/N’s hair, fingers clenching gently around the tresses. The light tug Y/N felt only spurred her on.

“That’s incredible, princess. Now, try and circle your tongue. You’re doing so well.”

Y/N did as she’s told, and it’s like a spell was put over the man. He craned his head back, neck bared, as soft whimpers fell past his lips. Growing more confident, knowing now what he liked, she let her teeth rake over him lightly, which worked more moans from him, almost breathless in his euphoria.

With a murmured “fuck,” he comes, Y/N’s name the only thing on his lips. She slowly released him from her mouth, wiping her lips with the back of her hand as she stood. Jim, leaning up against the wall, was in bliss, heaving breaths and ruffling Y/N’s hair as she approached.

“That was… you're perfect, princess. Absolutely perfect.”

Y/N laughs, smile nearly splitting her cheeks, and she pressed even closer, pressing her lips to his in a soft, content embrace. She could taste the sweat on his lips, and she couldn't help but think that she could definitely get used to this feeling.

Jim revelled in the feel of her soft lips against his, and he was struck by the thought that this is exactly where he’s supposed to be. He’s where he wants to be, beside Y/N.

————

Taglist: @blood-on-blood @reincarnated70sbaby

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Y’all know my theory at this point: when Raph was little he got separated from his family somehow and had to survive on his own for a while; the trauma from this caused him to develop DID.

It’s pretty clear Savage Raph formed specifically out of that isolation/survival trauma, but we met a third alter in “Pizza Puffs”, who I am calling “Red” for now. What’s his deal? When did he form and why?

-----

Raph: These guys are lost without me! Maybe I should help them.

Red: Make them do it themselves. It’s the only way they’ll learn.

Raph: But they’re just kids!

Red: And you can make them men!

-----

Raph: I gotta get in there!

Red: No. They’ll never learn if you always help ‘em, Raph.

Raph: But I can’t just sit here.

Red: This is for their own good.

-----

Raph: I knew you guys could do it.

Red: No you didn’t! I did!

Raph: Oh, you wanna go?

Red: Bring it.

-----

While Savage fronts when Host can’t handle being literally alone, Red spoke up in “Pizza Puffs” because Host was struggling to deal with being sort of... metaphorically alone? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and weren’t taking him or the situation seriously. Normally “it’s not good to be too dependent on others”, “kids need to grow up” and “sometimes you have to do things you don’t like” are good life lessons, but in this particular situation the life lessons should have waited until after the boys weren’t poisoned anymore. Sure, they pulled through, but Raph staying behind added an unnecessary level of risk. There’s a level of disjointedness between Raph and Red that I’m hoping will be explored and resolved in the future.

New alters form when preexisting alters are unable to handle whatever is going on in their life. What situation would Raph have been in for Red to form? When was “be independent/grow up/do something you don’t like” important? "Pizza Puffs” was the first time we’ve seen Raph do a solo mission, but it’s not the first time something like that has been mentioned.

“You went out on your own when you were [Mikey's] age.”

Thirteen is a very lonely age to be. I’m thinking events went something like this: Raph started hitting puberty at around 12/13 and Everything Was Awful. He was suddenly a lot bigger and stronger than he was used to, so he would accidentally break things around the lair more often, or get a little too rough when playing. I know we tend to poke fun at the “nobody understands me and everything sucks” mindset teens fall into, but as a mutant, Raph’s world was so, so small. Disconnected from his brothers, whose minds hadn’t hit the same milestones yet. Disconnected from his father, who would be passed out in the middle of a “Scorpion Treadmill” marathon whenever Raph needed guidance. Disconnected from April, a normal human girl who lived a normal human life he could never have.

Raph’s temper is relatively mellow now, but back then? Under those circumstances? He went too far.

And then he ran off topside, shame and nausea biting at the leftover fury in his heart.

In previous iterations, this is when he would run into a certain masked vigilante. But not in this universe. Not on this night. Casey wasn’t out pummeling pickpockets, she was training at the Foot dojo. They wouldn’t meet until “Hot Soup: The Game”, a couple of years later.

So Raph curled up on a roof somewhere with only his awful, awful thoughts for company. His little brother had been so scared of him... he couldn’t go back and face his family after what he had almost done. But he couldn’t stay up here alone either. What could he do?

Grow up.

He’s stronger now, and he has to be braver, too. He knows the way back home and there’s nothing out here that can hurt him. He can stand to be alone for a bit.

But he can’t stay here forever. He’ll have to go back home and do what he can to make things right, no matter how much it hurts.

So Red breathed in the cold night air for a while, and then retraced his steps back to the lair.

-----

But how are Raph and Casey going to properly meet? We saw her get kidnapped by that shadow thingy at the end of “Always Be Brownies”, so the resolution to that whole situation should be involved somehow.

Draxum gave Big Mama an orb covered in clawed, three-fingered hands. Then we see that Big Mama’s new assistant has such hands, as does the entity that took Meat Sweats and Casey. Clearly Big Mama is having her assistant kidnap people to fight in her “Fantabulous Battle Nexus Wizbang”. The turtles will be pulled into this because you can’t just not have your protagonists participate in the tournament arc.

We have yet to see Casey go well and truly Apeshit, because her previous fights have always had a certain level of shenanigans to them. Mikey fought her with an umbrella and a beach ball. Leo shoved a portal under her feet. She accidentally slashed up a corpse flower and fell into the goo. Her bonding moment with Splinter made her less willing to fight. The FBNW will give her the opportunity to show us what she can really do by pitting her against an opponent who is no-nonsense, one hundred percent ready to throw down.

Who could possibly be a better opponent for her than Savage Raph? (Perhaps Big Mama’s shadow captured the Sando Brothers, and they gave Big Mama information on a better fighter in exchange for their freedom?)

The two are evenly matched, of course, but the fight gets interrupted by the other turtles causing a mass breakout thanks to Leo’s emergency leader skills. Savage runs into his brothers amidst the chaos and they get Host to switch back in again. They defeat Big Mama and her shadow together and head home, yay huzzah plot concluded.

Casey, forgotten, also escapes and sneaks off to brood somewhere.

-----

A few episodes later, Red slips away to cool off for a bit (a habit that formed when he did, a way to decompress whenever they felt their temper getting the better of them) and happens to see some hockey mask-wearing lunatic picking fights with pickpockets. He hops down and holds her back, letting the would-be thieves get away with their skulls intact. “Listen, I get that you’re mad, but you can’t just go around-” And then he gets a baseball bat to the head.

"Back for round two, are you?!”

Red shakes the stars out of his eyes. That voice sounds familiar. “Hey, I don’t wanna fight you! Pops told us you left the Foot, we don’t have to be enemies anymore! Your heart’s in the right place with this whole crimefighting thing, but you’re going too far.”

Casey laughs a laugh that’s more taunt than humor. “Crimefighting? You think that’s what this is?” She gestures at the direction the thieves went with her scuffed and bloody bat. “This is training! You ran from our fight in the Nexus and I have been itching to beat you ever since. Die, coward!”

Red just barely manages to dodge the second bat swing. “What are you talking about? I never even saw you in the Nexus!”

They trade blows for a bit, Red’s attempts to calm her drowned by Casey screaming and cursing out this “lying turtle scum”. “Where is your fury? What happened to your viciousness? Why won’t you give me a real fight this time? Why are you holding back?!”

Her voice fades and all Red hears is the high shrieks and low roars of a crowd, harsh lights dulling the twin moons set in the green sky above as she lunges towards him and-

The bat hits his side with such force that the wood cracks a little, knocking the wind out out him despite his sturdy shell.

Casey stops bludgeoning him to better focus on gloating. “That move didn’t work on you last time. Did the first hit scramble your brains?”

Red kicks her feet out from under her and bolts, running back to the lair as quickly as he can manage with his head full of sights and sounds he can’t quite grab onto.

-----

Leo had stayed up to wait for his brother to return, so he grabs the first aid kit the moment Red emerges from the sewer tunnel. He starts to ask what happened as he unspools a roll of bandages, but Red asks a question instead. "What happened at the Nexus while I was... gone?"

Leo knows what he means, and the sun starts to rise as he fills in the gaps in his brother's memory.

-----

Casey’s ankle is twisted from Red's kick, so she can’t run after him for more than a few steps before falling over. Limping back home, she puts on her motivational Lou Jitsu playlist and begins to scheme.

---

For the record, I do think Raph and Casey will eventually become friends. But in the meantime... what kind of superhero doesn’t have a nemesis? :)

[my-major-is-k-howard]

She

Inspired by “She” by dodie. Oh, poor oblivious Cathy. 💙 Things must get worse before they get better unfortunately. Despite that, I hope you all enjoy this part!

Word Count: 4466

Trigger Warnings: anxiety attack, self-deprecating thoughts

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

————————————————————

Part 4

A quiet knock at her door broke Cathy out of her reading. She let out a sigh and put her book down. Cathy hated it when she had to stop abruptly in the middle of a chapter.

“Who is it?” Cathy called out as she slid off her bed and walked to the door.

“It’s Anne. Dinner’s ready! Jane made chicken nuggets!” Anne’s excited voice made Cathy hesitate. Her hand stopped on the doorknob and she took a deep breath before forcing a fake smile onto her face. 

Cathy slowly opened the door and was met with the sight of Anne who immediately smiled brightly at her. Cathy felt her heart flutter in her chest at the sight as her own fake smile turned into a small genuine one. Cathy’s smile dropped however when she remembered that Anne was pining after someone else. 

“Okay. I’ll be right down,” Cathy responded as her gaze fell to the floor. Anne gave her a confused look before clearing her throat.

“Yeah! Okay,” Anne rambled nervously. “I’ll see you downstairs then.” Anne hesitated for a moment before making her way back down to the kitchen.

Cathy watched Anne walk away before turning back into her room with groan. Cathy didn’t mean to act weird around Anne but it was impossible to see her and not think of how desperately Cathy wanted her. And how unattainable she was.

Cathy quickly crossed the room to her bed and grabbed her book. She slipped one of her stray bookmarks into the pages and closed it before placing it on her nightstand. 

“Don’t be weird, Cathy,” she whispered to herself as she left her room and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. “Please, don’t be weird.”

Cathy entered the kitchen and sat down in her seat as quietly as possible, hoping not to draw attention to herself. She picked up her fork and poked at the chicken nuggets on her plate, not really in the mood to eat but not wanting to raise suspicion if she didn’t. She slowly began eating as she listened to the other queens’ conversation.

“Hey Kitty, can you pass the mustard?” Cleves asked, gesturing to the yellow bottle by her side.

“That’s disgusting,” Kitty commented as she passed Cleves the requested item. “I hate mustard.”

“Oh really?” Cleves asked, giving Kitty a mischievous smile. Before Kitty could reply, Cleves uncapped the mustard bottle and squirted an unnecessary amount of the yellow liquid in the middle of Kitty’s plate, dangerously close to the rest of her nuggets.

“NO!! ANNA! WHY??” Kitty complained and gave a disgusted look at her plate. “Now I can’t finish my food!”

“That’s for trying to steal the maple syrup from me this morning,” Cleves replied with a satisfied smile. “And you’ll be fine, Kitty! I didn’t get it on your food, which I definitely could have done. You’re welcome for that.”

“Stop bullying my cousin, Cleves,” Anne spoke up. “Unless you wanna catch these hands!” Anne squared up from her place across from Cleves before doubling over in pain. “Ow! That’s not fair! You kicked me!”

Aragon chuckled. “I think that’s pretty fair game, Anne. You asked if Cleves wanted to fight and she retaliated appropriately.”

  “Wow, Catherine! I am so hurt,” Anne exclaimed dramatically, bringing her hand to her chest in a demonstration of faux pain. “At least Cathy’s on my side. Right, Cathy?”

Anne turned to look at Cathy who was now frozen with panic at the mention of her name. Cathy looked up from her plate and mumbled out a few words. “Uhm, yeah. Sure.”  

Cathy looked down at her plate once more, missing the concerned looks the queens exchanged at her sudden change in demeanor.

Jane spoke up to break the uncomfortable silence that was growing. “I know what we should do! After dinner, we should have a movie night!”

The other queens expressed approval, except for Cathy. “You all can go ahead. I’ll join you another time,” Cathy responded, not too keen on spending the rest of her night in any other way than sulking in her room while reading.

“C’mon, Cathy! Join us!” Cleves pleaded before an idea struck her. “We can put on one of those crime documentaries you like so much.”

Though the thought was appealing, Cathy shook her head. “Maybe another time.”

“Or we can have a game night! Though I refuse to play Mafia again. We all get way too aggressive during that,” Aragon chimed in, hoping that Cathy would agree to her request.

“Yeah! We can play Scrabble!” Anne piped up excitedly before bumping shoulders with Cathy. “You love Scrabble!”

Cathy smiled weakly but still refused. “I think I’ll pass. But you all can do something without me. It’s fine, really.”

“No it’s not! It won’t be the same without you, Cathy!” Anne blurted out before turning beet red at her outburst.

Cathy opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by Kitty’s voice. “A sleepover! Let’s have a sleepover!” Cathy looked over to Kitty and was met with her pleading eyes. “Please, Cathy?”

Cathy sighed quietly. She already felt guilty for denying the other queens’ offers so Kitty’s final plea was enough for her to finally acquiesce. “Alright. Fine. I just want to finish the chapter I was reading in my book before I join. I stopped halfway through it before coming down for dinner.”

The queens let out a collective sigh of relief at Cathy’s response. “No problem, love,” Jane commented and smiled gently at Cathy.

“Yay! I’m going to bring my fluffy blanket from my room,” Kitty exclaimed excitedly, moving her chair back in an attempt to retrieve said item.

“Not so fast, Kitty! You still have to finish your dinner,” Aragon said.

“But there’s mustard on it!” Kitty complained, slowly scooting back to the table.

The rest of the queens’ dinner was quiet as they quickly finished their food in anticipation for their impromptu sleepover. Cathy, however, was slowly growing to dread what was to come. She knew that her friends were just trying to cheer her up but she would have much preferred to be alone in her room with her thoughts instead.

So, instead of reading the rest of her chapter like she said she would, Cathy spent those minutes in her bedroom in complete panic mode. Could she somehow find a way to get out of this? Would they let her escape if she just said she was sick? Why did Anne smile at her like that when she opened the door? Didn’t she have feelings for someone else? Was Cathy being selfish for enjoying her attention while it lasted?

Of course, her thoughts always led back to Anne Boleyn and her beautiful smile. Cathy shook the thought out of her head as she quickly changed into her pajamas. She would have to join the other queens downstairs soon or they would start to worry about her again. 

Cathy moved in front of her mirror and took a deep breath. It was just a sleepover, with her friends. There was nothing to be anxious about. Cathy breathed out slowly and felt much more calm. The queens cared about her; that’s why they were having a sleepover in the first place.

With that thought in her mind, Cathy left her bedroom and made her way down the stairs. As she entered the living room, she saw the queens sitting on the floor and laughing as Cleves told them one of her stories.

“- and that’s how I catfished a supermodel,” Cleves finished as the queens erupted into laughter. As Cathy got closer, she noticed that Jane had tears streaming down her face and was wheeze-laughing at the story.

“What’s so funny?” Cathy spoke up with a small smile. The queens turned to look at her with bright smiles.

“You made it!” Kitty piped up with a squeal from where she was snuggled up in her neon pink fluffy blanket.

Anne scooted to her right to make enough space for Cathy to sit next to her. Cathy noticed and slowly made her way to sit beside Anne. After she had made herself comfortable, Anne turned to Cathy and filled her in on the story she had missed. “So, apparently Cleves likes to catfish people on Tinder. She even got the attention of some supermodel and she broke their heart. Which is kind of mean but it’s super funny when she reads the text messages out loud.”

“In my defense, I ghost them after I get bored,” Cleves said with a laugh.

“That’s worse, Anna!” Kitty yelped and lightly smacked Cleves on the arm.

“Weirdly enough, those text messages remind me of this guy who unsuccessfully tried to win my heart,” Aragon commented.

“What?!” Cathy exclaimed. “What happened?”

“Yes! Tell us what happened, Catherine!” Anne chimed in.

“So, I was minding my business and reading the Bible in a park like I usually do on Sundays,” Aragon began. “I was sitting on a bench when this guy suddenly sat down next to me and handed me a letter. I reluctantly took it and began to read it. The words sounded really familiar until I realized that he had just written down chapter 4 of Song of Solomon. At the end of the letter, he had written his number with a little heart. As if I would call him after he plagiarized the Bible in an attempt to woo me. Needless to say, I stopped going to that park after that.”

By time Aragon finished her story, all of the queens were laughing together. Cathy realized how nice it was to have a good laugh with her friends. This was a much better way to spend her night than sulking in her room about her own misfortune.

“For the record, I totally would have called him,” Anne jested earning more laughter from the queens. “Do you still have the letter?”

“Sadly, I threw it away. Otherwise, I would give you his number so you could call him,” Aragon said. “Maybe you two would hit it off.”

“I doubt it. I have my eyes on someone else anyway,” Anne responded, sneaking a quick glance at Cathy that went completely unnoticed by her. The other queens all shared knowing looks while Cathy’s gaze dropped to the floor in disappointment. Cathy’s heart sank when she heard those words come out of Anne’s mouth. She didn’t want to be reminded of Anne’s feelings for the mystery girl, especially not when she was finally beginning to feel better after what had happened earlier.

Cathy was grateful when the other queens began telling more stories. Slowly, Cathy felt the sinking feeling in her chest change into an elated bubble of joy. She laughed so much at their ridiculous anecdotes, growing even more grateful for her friends. The queens had noticed how upset she was and decided to cheer her up in whatever way they could. It meant a lot to Cathy knowing that she had such amazing people in her life that she could always depend on.

Cathy looked around at each of the queens before her eyes landed on Anne Boleyn. She was slightly caught off guard when she noticed that Anne was already looking at her. When their eyes met, Anne tilted her head slightly to the side and smiled at Cathy. In turn, Cathy smiled back and stared into those gorgeous emerald orbs, letting herself get lost in their depths. 

Anne might have her eyes on someone else but right now she’s looking at me, Cathy thought to herself. And that’s all that matters.

“Ooh! Let’s play truth or dare!” Kitty exclaimed, breaking Anne and Cathy out of their moment. The queens agreed and started the game. They all had a great time watching each other answer embarrassing questions and completing funny dares. 

After Cleves had successfully completed Jane’s dare of prank calling one of their neighbors, she turned to Cathy with a smirk on her face that made Cathy nervous.

“Cathy, truth or dare?” Cleves asked.

“Truth,” Cathy answered simply, knowing better than to ask for a dare from Cleves.

Cleves smirked even wider as she began her question. “What do you write about in your journal?”

Cathy’s face paled at the question, knowing she couldn’t give an honest answer without professing her feelings for Anne. “I’m chickening out,” Cathy said with an embarrassed smile on her face.

“Laaaaame,” Cleves taunted.

“Oh, c’mon Cathy! It can’t be that bad!” Kitty added on. “Tell us!”

“No, absolutely not. There’s a reason it’s a private journal and not a public journal,” Cathy responded. “I’m officially chickening out of that truth.”

“Wow, I’m so disappointed,” Anne said, faking disapproval. “As someone who has never chickened out, it breaks my heart to see you turn to the dark side, Cathy.”

“Oh hush,” Cathy responded and playfully nudged Anne’s shoulder with her own. “It’s my turn then.” Cathy looked around to see who she should ask next. A brief thought of asking Anne who she had feelings for crossed her mind before she quickly dismissed it. Cathy didn’t know if she wanted to know the answer. She would rather just pretend that nothing was going on and everything was fine, just for tonight.

Instead, Cathy turned her eyes to Kitty. “Okay, Kitty. Truth or dare?”

Kitty’s eyes lit up as she responded. “Dare!”

Cathy thought for a moment before she came up with the perfect dare for the younger girl. “I dare you to eat a whole tablespoon of mustard.” A wicked grin stretched across Cathy’s face when she saw Kitty nearly burst into tears at the dare.

“NO! Cathy please!! Anything but mustard!” Kitty cried out.  

“Rules are rules, Kitty,” Aragon commented.

“Unless you wanna chicken out,” Jane chimed in.

Kitty hesitated, carefully pondering her options. Cleves began making chicken sounds as Kitty delayed her response.

“Kitty, don’t chicken out on me! I can’t lose you too!” Anne joked. Kitty gave her cousin a desperate look which Anne responded to by beginning to chant, “Do it! Do it! Do it!”

The queens joined in until five voices were chanting for Kitty to complete the dare. Finally, Kitty caved and said, “Okay! Fine! I’ll eat the stupid mustard!”

The queens followed Kitty into the kitchen and watched her as she squeezed the mustard into a spoon. A look of utter disgust passed over Kitty’s face as she brought the spoon to her lips. Slowly, the queens watched as she quickly put the spoon in her mouth and swallowed. Kitty gagged at the taste but gratefully took the glass of water that Anne was handing to her.

The queens cheered as Kitty downed the glass of water in a vain attempt to get the taste of mustard off her tongue. Kitty grimaced and placed the spoon and cup in the sink. Kitty looked at Cathy and shook her head. “I hope you’re happy. That was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

Cathy giggled. “I’m sorry, Kitty!”

“Don’t apologize. I know you don’t mean it,” Kitty muttered as the queens made their way back to their spots in the living room. 

“It’s my turn now,” Kitty said and looked around at all the queens before her eyes landed on Anne. Cathy noticed the two cousins share a glance which caused a petrified look to pass over Anne’s face. Anne shook her head slightly but Kitty had already made up her mind. “Anne, truth or dare?”

Anne hesitated for a moment before responding. “Dare.”

Kitty glared at Anne momentarily before a satisfied smile passed over her face. “I dare you to kiss Cathy.”

Cathy’s mouth dropped in shock, mirroring the girl next to her. Had she heard that right? Did Kitty really just say that? Cathy was left at a loss for words. A storm of emotions and thoughts swirled in her mind about what Kitty had just said.

Cleves whooped loudly at Kitty’s dare and pointed to Anne, who was shifting uncomfortably in her spot. “You’re not going to chicken out of this, or are you Anne?” Cleves taunted. 

Much to Cathy’s surprise, Anne said nothing. She didn’t jump to defend her honor of never chickening out how she usually did. Cathy looked at her and saw Anne turn to her with soft eyes and a shy smile.

“We don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to,” Anne whispered to Cathy, before dropping her gaze to the floor. “I can chicken out if you want.”

“Anne Boleyn! You never chicken out!” Cathy responded incredulously as Anne looked up to meet her eyes once more. “I won’t get in the way of that. I mean, it’s just a kiss.”

Just a kiss I dream about every night, Cathy thought to herself. She subconsciously bit her lip. Cathy was secretly looking forward to the kiss. She had wanted to kiss Anne for so long now that it almost didn’t feel real that it was actually about to happen.

“Yeah, just a kiss,” Anne said as she dropped her gaze momentarily from Cathy. A sad look passed over Anne’s face, though Cathy didn’t understand why. Anne looked back up with a tender look on her face that sent butterflies stirring in Cathy’s stomach. 

Anne brought her hand up to cup Cathy’s cheek gently, slowly caressing her cheekbone with her thumb. Cathy’s breath caught in her throat and she was suddenly hyper aware of everything around her. The feeling of Anne’s hand on her cheek, the soft look in those emerald green eyes, and the small smile on Anne’s face brought back all the love that Cathy had for the girl in front of her. The girl she was finally about to kiss.

Cathy’s gaze dropped to Anne’s lips, desperate to finally have them on her own. Cathy watched as Anne’s smile morphed until her mouth was slightly parted. She watched Anne quickly lick her lips nervously before feeling Anne pull her in slowly.

Anne leaned forward and connected their lips in a gentle, feathersoft kiss. Cathy felt her insides melt at the touch as the stirring of butterflies intensified. A million thoughts were running through her mind until it suddenly blanked when she felt Anne slowly begin to move her lips. Cathy reciprocated at the same pace, bringing her hand up to Anne’s cheek to feel more contact with the girl she loved.

They quickened their pace gradually, matching each other’s movements perfectly. Anne pulled Cathy closer to her, slowly tracing her bottom lip with her tongue. Cathy had to stifle a moan at the feeling which sent Cathy’s mind into overdrive. Cathy abruptly pulled away from Anne as very loud alarms blared in her mind, signalling that something was very wrong. 

Cathy’s mind was swirling with an endless hurricane of thoughts, threatening to drown her in their whirlpool. She suddenly felt out of control of herself and frantically looked around the room for a way out.

“Cathy, what’s wrong?” Anne’s concerned voice brought Cathy back to reality for a moment.

“No- nothing,” Cathy stammered, unable to look Anne in the eye. “I’m actually feeling pretty tired so I think I’m going to head to bed early.” Cathy quickly got up from her spot, not meeting any of the worried looks of the queens.

“Cathy, wait!” Anne exclaimed desperately, scrambling to her feet as well.

“Goodnight,” Cathy said quickly before rushing out of the room, leaving behind a very confused Anne with a brokenhearted expression on her face.  

Cathy ran up the stairs and into her room, shutting the door quickly before any of the queens decided to follow her. She collapsed against it as she began hyperventilating. What had she done? Why had Cathy agreed to that stupid dare? Now, she was worse off than she had ever been before.

Now, she not only had to deal with Anne’s feelings for someone else but also the fact that they had shared a kiss that meant nothing to Anne. But, it meant everything Cathy. The kiss had been magical, everything she had been dreaming about and more. But it still plagued Cathy to know that Anne felt nothing when she kissed her. To Anne, it was some silly dare that she had only done to keep her pride intact. 

That thought mocked Cathy. Anne probably felt guilty about kissing someone else while she was still pining after her mystery girl. The girl Anne actually cared about. The girl Cathy craved to be. All she wanted was for Anne to love her in return. Was that too much to ask?

Cathy huffed and tried to control her breathing. She took slow breaths until the feeling that she was suffocating subsided. She pushed away from her door and crossed the room to her desk, pulling out her journal in a rush. She quickly turned on her desk lamp and flipped to a free page before choking back a sob when she saw her bookmark. Those pictures mocked her, making her feel even more foolish for ever hoping that Anne would kiss her. Now that she had, it had only made everything worse.

Cathy threw the bookmark on the floor angrily and grabbed her pen. Cathy wiped at the tears she hadn’t even realized were streaming down her face. She had to get her feelings out before they consumed her. She had to write it out before she drowned in her own sorrows.  

Love is an ocean of torment and pain, black waters that rise and rage against all who dare to swim in its shallows. One moment I was wading in a crystal bay and enjoying the gentle waves crashing against my skin and in the next I was thrashing to get to the surface as vicious currents pulled me deeper, drowning me in my own despair. I understand why Aphrodite was born from the foam of such a volatile entity. Love changes like the tides of the sea, rising and falling in accordance to the hope that foolish lovers cling to as if for dear life.

I was foolish enough to hope for love. I bartered my heart for a kiss, only to find that lipstick marks are a mockery of what I wanted. I didn’t want a kiss. I wanted Anne Boleyn! I wanted all of her, every single part of her. I wanted her lips, I wanted her eyes, I wanted her smile, I wanted her affection, I wanted her desire. I wanted her to feel what I felt when she kissed me.

When her lips touched mine, I felt my heart come alive in my chest. It was as if it had been dormant my whole life and was suddenly awakened by Anne’s gentle touch. I saw the birth of the sun, a brilliant light that drowns out all darkness in the galaxy. I smelled fields of lemongrass and groves filled with vanilla flowers and overgrown honeysuckle bushes, the scent I always imagine breathing in right before I fall asleep. I heard the sound of windchimes softly ringing out a lullaby and the quiet whispers of the wind, telling me all the secrets of the earth as they billowed past my ear. And I finally tasted Anne on my lips. She tasted of everything good I could ever describe and more. She tasted like the first bite of my chocolate birthday cake from last year but better. She tasted like the warm coffee I drink to keep me awake while I read but stronger. She tasted like the candy we ate together after trick-or-treating last Halloween but sweeter. 

But Anne felt none of that. She didn’t see, smell, or hear what I did. She didn’t taste anything when she kissed me. My heart is cleaved in two when I think of how differently we experienced that kiss. We were the closest we had ever been when we kissed yet I have never felt more far away from Anne. While I was thinking about my endless love for her, Anne was concerned with her own pride. While my mind was reeling with the magic of Anne’s lips on mine, her mind was completely blank. 

I lament ever pleading for her kiss! It has brought me so much despair because now I realize that everything I want and everything I am will never be enough for Anne. My most precious memories are nothing but passing thoughts to her. The moments that keep me awake at night, those same moments I journal about, are forgotten by Anne when she wakes up the next morning. I am overrun by my feelings for her, feelings that she has no need or desire for. 

I can’t go on like this! I simply won’t. From now on, I will keep my feelings locked away in my heart and out of sight from prying eyes. I will consign my feelings to admiring Anne from a distance. I will harbor my love in a prison, not free to run rampant as I let it for so long. I will keep my distance so I can have a chance to heal my broken heart. Maybe then I can be the friend Anne deserves, the friend she needs me to be. At least I can find my peace in that role, even if I can’t have what I truly desire. But, I’m willing to make these sacrifices because Anne… my beloved Anne… means everything to me.

Cathy scribbled her name out at the bottom of the page and stopped writing as her tears returned with a vengeance. She put her pen down and rested her face in her hands as she quietly sobbed into them. Cathy stayed like that for a few minutes until a wave of exhaustion washed over her. She reached for the tissue box that she had gotten from Jane and hastily wiped the tears from her face.

Cathy sighed heavily before taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down. She slowly turned in her chair to find where her bookmark had landed. Cathy found it by her foot and sighed gratefully that it was face down. She picked it up and placed it back in her journal, keeping it face down the entire time. Cathy closed the journal and returned it to its place in her desk drawer. She reached over to her lamp and flipped the switch, plunging her back into darkness.

Cathy closed her eyes tiredly for a moment before lumbering her way to her bed. She crawled under her covers and tried to fall asleep, though her memories of the day kept her awake as they replayed in her head. Eventually, Cathy drifted into a restless sleep, plagued with nightmares of those green eyes and that devilish smirk.

[quinintheclouds]

I found out im a ravenclaw! It doesn't feel like it fits me but hey, what are you gonna do about it. Can you tell me stuff about ravenclaws?

Yay, I’d love to! Quick aside though, what do you mean by “found out?” Your wording seems to indicate it was something shown/told to you rather than a conclusion on which you’d arrived yourself. If you took a quiz, those can be fun but aren’t reliable. I can take the pottermore test 3 times in a row answering with complete honesty and get sorted into 3 different Houses. The quizzes are all just someone else’s perceptions of what innocuous details might pertain to each House, and a few years ago I conducted an analysis of the different options/choices and the Houses to which they led, and… a lot of it’s kinda irrelevant and arbitrary.

If I’m misinterpreting and you DID come to this realization for yourself, I’m curious as to why you feel it doesn’t seem to fit you. but WELCOME to Ravenclaw! :D Keep in mind though that everyone has aspects of every House, and aspects of themselves that aren’t contained by Houses at all!

Okay, initial ramblings aside… sorry :P Ready to hear some bomb info about us Ravenclaws that often isn’t talked about? Let’s go! [Bear in mind that these aren’t exclusive to just Ravenclaws and also won’t apply to every Ravenclaw! Some of these are just my personal experience/thoughts]

So first, Ravenclaw’s canon defining characteristics: intelligence, creativity, wit, imagination, love of learning, uniqueness, originality, individuality, curiosity, open-mindedness, and acceptance. 

We are largely a compassionate bunch that stands against ignorance of all kinds and will fight by informing others. Ravenclaws can often be found organizing protests and the like for important causes (akin to Hermione’s S.P.E.W.)

A lot of Ravenclaws have trouble settling on our House, because we can have the inclination to look at every angle of a scenario so that we can at least attempt to more objectively weigh the options. This is why I used to think I was a Gryffindor/Hufflepuff for long stretches of time.

Another reason some of us hesitate to sort ourselves as such is because of the misconception that Ravenclaws always make great grades or are dutiful with schoolwork. Not true. Intelligence comes in many forms!

On that note, neurodivergent Ravenclaws may struggle to feel we belong when we see so many our peers excel in school. 

On the brighter side, Ravenclaws like these will somewhat unknowingly wind up banding together. We’re the ones who accidentally miss class because we’re so engrossed in researching some big new interest. The ones who annoy the others by testing out new spells/potions of our own creation and consequently making a mess and ruckus. We’re the ones who forgot to study because we got confused by one of the points in the book/lecture and wound up writing an essay trying to debunk the error instead of doing the actual assignment. Here’s to us lol

A bunch of us DEFINITELY waste time gathered outside the common room (or CAW-mmon room!) just solving the door’s riddles. (If you didn’t know, the door only opens after you answer a different riddle every time) 

The vast majority of us LOVE puns. Ah, wordplay… the toy of language.

Starting a million projects and never finishing them whoops

Having a million journals you’ve written in so you have no clue which is which at this point

Buying way too many books but rarely finding time to actually read

OUR HOUSE COLORS ARE BLUE AND BRONZE, DAMMIT! THE MOVIES CHANGED THE BRONZE TO SILVER AND I’LL NEVER BE OVER IT (lol I’m totally chill about this, can you tell?)

We are HUGE daydreamers! We pride ourselves on imagination, and luckily for us, we’re in one of the tallest towers of Hogwarts (bc we represent the element of air) so we have beautiful windows out of which to gaze while letting our minds wander 

Also the cawmmon room ceiling is magically designed to always look like the night sky, so we love to lie on the floor and watch the stars, moon, planets, etc.

WE FRICKIN’ LOVE SPACE, OKAY???

NEVER leave your stuff behind in the dorms! You’ll have to answer a riddle to get back in, and by that time you’ll be late to class (fellow ADHD Ravenclaws, we know this pain all too well)

We’re an adventurous bunch, contrary to some belief. But our adventures aren’t purely for external enjoyment — the excitement arises from the stimulation of our minds. Curiosity killed the cat, as it were, but feeds the eagle. We’ll sneak out of the dorms to go to the library or steal some ingredients from the Potions classroom for an experiment. The Restricted Section is our playground. 

We’re artists, writers, poets, performers, musicians. People overlook this too often, but these are so important to so many of us. I create, therefore I am.

We’re pretty weird and eccentric a lot of the time, but embracing that helps us gain understanding about what makes us passionate, and we’ll work hard for things we care about.

Side Note: I’ll never not be bitter that Fred and George were in Gryffindor. They were such Ravenclaws. They were impish lil pranksters, and very clever about it, and only did so when there was something to be learned from it (i.e. testing their numerous inventions). I could even see Slytherin more than Gryffindor. *Sigh,* I digress… for now.

I’m one of the Ravenclaws who discusses philosophy and theoretics for hours on end, and the annoying one who asks random questions for the sake of asking questions, just as a game to test myself and see if I can come up with possible answers. (The embodiment of the “do you think pigeons have feelings?” meme).

We, uh. Have terrible sleeping habits. And eating. And showering. And we forget water exists sometimes. We kinda have problems remembering we have corporeal bodies with needs or whatever. Lame.

Some of the more rigid, stereotypical Ravenclaws can be defensively competitive for top of class, and that can turn a bit sour, but I like to avoid that drama altogether.

We notably broke into the Astronomy Tower to watch a meteor shower, and lost so many points we came dead last in the House Cup that year.

Many of us have ALSO snuck into the Forbidden Forest to study creatures and explore deeper.

Yeah we don’t win the Cup often.

Muggle-born Ravenclaws get together in secret to teach the others about math/science/literature/etc. because the purebloods BEGGED them to and they were happy to oblige.

Interviewing the paintings to learn magical history from a firsthand account bc Professor Binns is too detached and boring

According to the wiki, we’re the House most likely to dismiss social conventions and unspoken rules in the search for satiating our curiosity. We’re full of quirks and often won’t stand for playing by unnecessary or flawed rules of any nature.

As hyper and Extra™ as some of us can be, we also love to chill by the fire with a book, a blanket, some music, and maybe too much tea

In general, we’re “well-known for being welcoming and encouraging of creativity, eccentricity and individuality and being very accepting,” as stated by the wiki.

Okay, I am physically forcing myself to stop now. As you can see, we also tend to just dump information all over the place lmao XD Anyway this was fun to write and I might make a post about neurodivergent Ravenclaws in particular… Let me know if you have any updates on your House, and if you ARE a Ravenclaw, we’re happy to have you!!!

[canvaswolfdoll]

CanvasWatches: The Dragon Prince

Netflix is making a live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender series.

Just… no? I realize time and development has been put into this. People are employed. But… the first series was magic, stop trying to recapture it.

Netflix has this problem where they want to propel themselves forward with original content, but that content is very mediocre. They try reviving old series and produce productions that disappoint.[1] The original concepts mostly fade into obscurity, are Stranger Things (which had one pretty good season, and then a mediocre second season), or is BoJack Horseman which I haven’t watched but haven’t heard a bad word about.

Then there’s their irritating handling of Anime.[2]

Netflix is willing to experiment and let creators do what they want. I admire that. But (and trust me, I hate to say this), they need focus testing. They need a stricter format. Edges for creators to bump up against and work around.

A standard season length, for one. An allotted time per episode maybe. Make production a puzzle to solve.

Instead they say ‘Let’s do the live-action Avatar series no one asked for, and is a passive insult to the original!’[3]

Which drags us into The Dragon Prince.

Spoilers! You might want to watch it for yourself (it’s nine episodes), but if you don’t mind spoilers, go ahead. I’m not the City Watch.

So, I think we’ve finally figured it out. We had Avatar: The Last Airbender, which was great. Then we distilled the creative staff, ran experiments and isolated elements.

Legend of Korra was good. Had the creators produce it, but not the head writer. The world was the same, but evolved in interesting ways. Good character concepts and real heart, but still missing the magic and character relationships that resonated so well in the first series.

Now, with The Dragon Prince, we get to see what happens when you isolate AtLA’s head writer, Aaron Ehasz.

You get a cliche fantasy setting, weak main plot, and a lot of cheap AtLA mimicry. But you also get some super charming child characters, intriguing (if not currently complex) villains, and small details that could build up to something great.

Which is to say: go to Bryke for the world and myth arc, go to Ehasz for the character interactions.

There it is! The ultimate break down! Let’s pack this up and…

Okay, fine. You want to hear my opinions on The Dragon Prince. That’s… fair, I guess.

So, in this setting, magic comes from six source: The sun! The moon! The Stars! The Ocean! The Earth! I think the sky?[4]

However, then humanity created a seventh magic! Dark Magic! Ooo, so evil, so dastardly!

Sigh.

Just once, I’d like dark magic to just be misunderstood. If they called it Life Magic, they’d probably have better PR.

Anyways, humanity went to war with the elves, but the Dragon King got sick of the fighting, so he sent the humans west, elves to the east, and divided the continent in half with a lava river.

Humanity didn’t really like this, so they killed the dragon king and his egg. So that’s vengeance.

Except this upset the elves because, y’know, murder’s bad. So they send a party from the assassin elf faction: The Moon Shadow Elves! They turn invisible under moonlight![5]

They’re gonna kill the Human king and his son to make things even. Because suddenly murder’s not so bad?

However, a member of the group is a child who couldn’t will herself to kill.

Basically, that cool and exciting setting you created when you were fourteen? Good news, it’s a Netflix Show now! Yay!

Also, the first season is Book 1: Moon.

And the title card is formatted exactly like Avatar, but with white text on a black background.

So the world isn’t special, and they’re deliberately aping some Avatar trappings. But that’s fine, there’s still the characters and plot. We could bicycle this!

So, what do we have with the humans? A beloved king with a dead wife and two children? Okay… both are sons,[6] so at least it’s not the usual nuclear structure. And, hey, the eldest prince is the king’s step son! Nice change.

Who else? King has an advisor that uses dark magic, suggested killing the dragon king and the egg, and talks above his station. But, hey, Lord Viren has two charming children, and he seems genuinely concerned about his king’s survival and the good of…

Oh, he gets a magic makeover in the final episode to make him look more inhuman, and spends the season plotting to take the throne.

Ugh. Of course.

Well, what about Viren’s children? Claudia is a mage like her dad, and is a cloudcuckoolander. Good choice. And she doesn’t do much that’s actively evil. We’ve got Ty Lee in Zuko’s role. I’m game.

Soren is… well, he’s going to be Azula. He doesn’t have her sadistic streak, but he’s been given the job of eliminating claims to the throne, is a competent combatant, and Viren motivates him with being in line for the throne.

He could turn, but my money’s on just being Azula.

Now, to be clear, Viren wasn’t obviously evil. There were plenty of early moments that hinted that he could be sympathetic and non-evil. However, he does spiral into torture and deceit, so once the season is over, there’s no ambiguity. Sorry.

Hey, what about the main cast?

Prince Callum is voiced by Sokka! Awesome! Jack De Sena needs more work. This time, he gets magic and impressive artistic skills! But he had to give up his sword abilities, and kept the daddy issues. But there’s still that snarky edge and loving brother personality, though the weight of them have been swapped.

He’s the half brother of Prince Ezran, who is the heir apparent of the kingdom. He’s… a goofy young boy. I dunno. Aang light. No overt talents. He’s fine.

So those two are hanging out at the castle, when suddenly their father tries to send them off to the winter cabin, despite it being not winter. He suggests made making a dirt man or going mud sledding.

Callum finds this suspect, and eventually logics out that King Harrow expects to be assassinated and wants to get his sons a safe distance away.

Meanwhile, the Moon Shadow Elves are planning their assassination, making a vow on a magic ribbon that will amputate a limb if they fail. Two targets: King Harrow and Prince Ezran to make up for killing the Dragon King and his egg. Even, you know?

Of course, they dragged a literal child along and had her make the same oath with the same ribbon, so screw ‘em. Child soldiers are bad.

This girl is Rayla. She’ll be the rogue of the main cast! Yay![7]

However, after making this promise, they find out she let a guard go so the humans know they’re coming. You’re off the mission Rayla! Turn in your fancy switchblades and ribbon!

Except the ribbon is magic and won’t come off until the job is done, so keep that I guess. And it’d be mean to take away your knives, so… look, stay at camp while the five adults go murder a dude and an actual kid.

Please remember, these jerks wanted to murder an innocent child.

Rayla decides to redeem herself, and sneaks into the castle. She finds the two princes, Callum attempts to martyr himself for Ezran, shenanigans occur in secret tunnels, and… oh, look, it’s the Dragon King’s Egg. Guess they didn’t actually kill that?

Well, let’s call the whole thing off!

Oh, nevermind. Rayla’s Uncle still wants to kill the king and prince. What a jerk.

So our three heroes escape the castle with the egg, planning on returning to the Dragon Queen. We got our mission!

Oh, and the elves killed King Harrow. So… that’s fun.

To be honest, I wouldn’t discount Lord Viren using dark magic to sidestep this. But he’s also trying to claim the throne, so maybe the king is actually dead.

Could go either way.

The kids head off to the royal cottage, where they stumble onto Callum’s aunt. She’s mute! (Maybe deaf, not one hundred percent on that, since lip reading was referenced but also some ambiguity…)

She’s a military General, fights with a shield, is super awesome, and I’m sad how Callum didn’t bring her into the scheme.

Like, yes, for the plot to work, Lord Viren needs to know the princes are alive and the boys have to be careful and having General Amaya know and supporting the boys would’ve caused other troubles.

But… c’mon Callum, literally signing to Amaya that Rayla is a monster and forcing the elf to do a Blue Spirit act is terrible. Like… they’ve established a sweet way for Callum to communicate a secret past her soldiers, and they didn’t use it for a sweet twist?

Ugh. Intentional miscommunication and unnecessary secrets. They are hitting a bunch of my hated tropes.[8]

The children run off and… don’t really do anything very interesting for a couple episodes.

The villain side of things is where the real fun is! General Amaya goes to the castle to report on the survival of the princes and stop Lord Viren from taking the throne.

However, Lord Viren offers her the throne. Again, how the scene is written and acted, I still found myself doubting what role Viren’s supposed to take. He seems genuinely concerned for the general populace, and offers compromises at every turn, and communicates honestly and…

I want Lord Viren to be a misunderstood good guy. I really want Dark Magic to not be an irredeemable evil. A story without a Big Bad, just factions with cross purposes would be great. There’s so many good escape routes for a more interesting story.

Then Lord Viren throws the man Amaya chose (her interpreter, Gren. He’s neat! I like him!) to lead the Prince Recovery Team into a dungeon, where he can watch Viren torture Rayla’s uncle for information.

Yeah… this is who our villain is.

In Gren’s place, Viren sends his children. Soren is given secret instructions to insure the princes don’t make it home alive, and Claudia is given secret instructions to prioritize the safety of the egg. So that’s our Zuko and Azula doing the Avatar hunt.

They have a fun dynamic as Soren doesn’t put much stock in magic and Claudia is an adorable dark magician girl![10] I look forward to more of them.

Now, back to the D&D campaign of the kids: Callum is trying to learn magic after stealing Claudia’s storm magic orb, and he’s pretty good at it. Rayla is worried about the ribbon cutting off her circulation and is an awesome rogue. Ezran… needs to learn healing magic so we can have a Cleric.

They accidentally drop the egg into a frozen lake and are afraid the baby dragon within is dying, so they head off to get help at a town. There’s a fun kid moment with Rayla turning a snowman into a snow-elf (it was a cute moment and Rayla needs more).

Then the group picks up a girl, Ellis, so abruptly that she might as well have been a player that joined between sessions. Ellis rides a giant puppy named Ava, so we’ve got a beast-master fighter!

Ellis tells the boys about a magic healer on the top of a scary mountain filled with scary monsters. With no options, the four go to the mountain.

They fight one monster, have some self reflection, get to the mountain, learn Ezran can talk to animals,[11] and the monsters there are illusions.

They get to where to where the healer is, only to learn that, nah, she’s just a powerful illusionist and Ava only has three legs.

The only way to save the egg is to hatch it. But they need a storm to do so.

Thus, Callum shatters his magic orb to release a storm, the egg hatches, and the titular Dragon Prince is able to gently bite off the magic ribbon Rayla couldn’t cut off with a magic sun knife.

(Either the dragon is magic enough, or saving the baby dragon was considered equal to assassinating Ezran).

Soren and Claudia use a spell to pinpoint the group!

Lord Viren inprisons Rayla’s uncle in a coin and transforms into an eviller looking form!

Also, there’s some mystery with a magic mirror? Cliffhanger stuff.

So… The Dragon Prince is not amazing. The dialogue and character interactions and relationships are great, but the story and world is paint by numbers.

The next season has plenty of room for subversions and interesting experiments, but… until I see it, I honestly think the show’s skippable in its current form. Filler episodes to build the world and characters would do a lot to help, and committing to nuances hinted at for Lord Viren would be great.

Also, hopefully they improve the animation. I’m not normally one to care about frame rates, but boy did the animation stutter a lot for a finished product.

It’s average.

Thanks for reading this review! Consider checking out my other writings, sending me comments and questions, check out my webcomic or RPG Blog, or whatever. Next time, Netflix is releasing an Anime I’ve been excited for nearer the end of the month. Keep an eye out for that, which will post to my Patreon first. I’m also slowly rolling out a Review of Digimon there!

Until we go flying with dragons,

Kataal kataal.

[1] Admittedly, modern fandom is filled with loud obnoxious people, but I haven’t heard anything good about Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, even from my less frothy-mouthed sisters. [2] If you’re gonna simuldub series in Canada, you can do it in the US, you jerks! [3] Everything can be improved. But actually remaking something just says the original wasn’t good enough. That’s why people hate reboots. [4] Can’t remember if that’s under the purview of the stars or not… [5] Which is Warcraft, Ehasz. [6] Unless there’s a spoiler with Ezran’s voice cast. [7] Canvas likes playing rogues. [8] Let’s see if season two can get inappropriate student-teacher relationship![9] Then they can get a free sandwich. And my eternal ire. [9] For the record: when Claudia inevitably defects and starts teaching Callum magic, that’s not going to count. The two are close in age and it’s not an institutional power imbalance. [10] I want a show about Claudia, Rayla, and Amaya on awesome adventures. [11] He’s a druid! Learn to heal, nerd.

[gamearamamegathons]

Trauma Center: Second Opinion: Bombs Are Basically Organs, Right?

[Content warning for surgery stuff, and euthanasia, a topic which this game *also* handles poorly]

Circe here! So, now that Derek has learned to use dark magic and defeated evil lung monsters, he's caught the attention of Caduceus, a super research lab that's all about curing incurable diseases. GUILT, admittedly, seems pretty curable with basic surgical tools, you just have to be really good with them, but I guess wielding the healing power of dark magic is worth taking notice of. Derek decides it'd do the most good to roll with Caduceus, so our next surgery is going to be the last one at this hospital before we move on. Here, we've gotta fix a young girl's heart. Hopefully the music can free her whenever it starts. But her heart, unlike the music, is actually stopping quite a lot instead. I hope you remember how to use the defibrillator! I skimmed over it before, but basically you have to push the remote forward, then press B and Z with specific timing, and you get to try again until either you get it or the patient dies. Yay! Here, we need to replace her heart valve with a fake one, but her heart stops, like, every ten seconds, which makes things a bit tricky. I, um, I'm sure she won't suffer any long-term effects from her heart stopping like a dozen times in the space of five minutes, right? Definitely. She's fine. It's fine. She's fine. She's *fine*.

But okay, time for another aside with Dr. Weaver. This time, a shady guy needs her to remove some real bad tumors from some other guy. These tumors are...weird. Each one is surrounded by three veins that have to be severed with a scalpel before it can be removed. Things get pretty wild near the end, and we find that Dr. Weaver, unsurprisingly, also can use dark magic. So it's all good. It seems like Dr. Weaver is seriously indebted to this shady guy, which is why she takes whatever work he needs her to do. Apparently something went bad in Japan, so she had to change her name and leave -- she used to go by Dr. Kimishima, although I'll admit, that name doesn't mean anything to us right now.

Back to Derek! He's off to Caduceus. Unfortunately, Angie's going with us. We're also introduced to a pretty big cast of characters, but I'll just kinda touch on them as they become important. Our first surgery at Caduceus is basically just practicing on the same tiny disease monster as last time, which we now know is called Kyriaki. There's a ton of different strains of GUILT, and it's basically just a catchall for whatever made-up anime disease monster the devs wanted to stick in.

As promised, one of the characters is now important! Introducing Tyler Chase, Derek's friend from med school. Remember the shady whisperings about a 'death doctor'? Well, it turns out Tyler's our guy. Today, in a very special episode of Trauma Center...let's talk about euthanasia. After Derek finds out about this, Tyler talks about how he just wants to end unnecessary suffering, and that's why he euthanizes patients. He talks about Derek 'turning him in' for this, so with the full breadth of context, it seems very much like Tyler is euthanizing patients in secret, illegally, and without asking them. Which...I think is actually murder, not euthanasia.

This comes to a head when we see Tyler's kid sister Amy. She's infected with an incurable strain of GUILT, and all the surgery that has been done on her hasn't helped. Tyler thinks we should just stop, rather than prolong her suffering, but Derek cannot allow that, so he insists on operating. When we go to Amy's room, she says she wants the surgery, and this one moment of a patient objecting to being allowed to die abruptly changes Tyler's mind completely. Which, again, confirms that Tyler has really not been asking anyone if they want to be euthanized. I should hate Tyler more, but this plot point is so bizarre and artificial that I can't really work up the same kind of reaction as I did to Angie. At least there's a sort of driving logic behind Tyler's actions, even if they're, like, kind of awful. This exchange also tells us a lot about the core ethos of Trauma Center, but I think I'm going to save a discussion of that for the end of this game, after we've really had a good chance to just...take in this game's worldview in full.

The surgery itself is more GUILT-based absurdity. This kind if called Deftera. It's made up of red and blue parts, which the game calls tumors, and claims that they only appear to move by replicating their DNA very rapidly. I can only figure that this is confirmation that their tiny monster appearances are kind of...visual metaphors for disease, I guess? But it's kind of sloppy and imprecise so I'm going to continue to treat them as totally literal. Anyway, when a blue and red one crash into each other, they start trying to consume each other, and they can be damaged in this moment. When they're damaged enough, they start freaking out and damaging the patient a lot, but then we can cut them out and remove them. It takes me a couple tries, because it gets kinda hectic once the game introduces two of each color. But eventually we manage it, and Tyler realizes that actually people don't want to die. Hoo-ray.

After this, Derek heads off to an international doctors' conference with another Caduceus doctor, Cybil Meyers. Apparently she used to be a cop before becoming a doctor, and remember that, it's going to be important later. Oh, we also meet Victor Niguel, who's one of Caduceus's R&D guys. Actually, I don't remember if he does anything important, so nevermind him. At the conference, an important-looking guy says that GUILT is being spread by a terrorist organization called Delphi, and we found one of their labs in Africa, where they were experimenting on people. So we should, like, go there and take a look. Everything's good until suddenly, the lights go out and the emergency doors lock everyone inside, and we find a bomb. Cybil makes the logical decision, which is that if we're going to blow up anyway, we should definitely try and just defuse the bomb. I said she's a former cop, right? Apparently she dated a member of a bomb squad, so she like, totally knows about bombs, and how to defuse them with surgical instruments.

Yes, that's right. It's time to operate on a bomb.

As you'd imagine, this patient is a bit unlike any of the others. We need to turn the screws to open the cover, and we need to figure out which way to turn the screws or else the bomb will blow up. After that's done, we need to mess with the voltage, which is just, like, messing with pins till a meter goes right. It's not that interesting. No, the *next* part is where it gets interesting. The bomb core is surrounded by white panels, and at any given time a small number of them will be flashing red. You need to zap the white ones with your laser and avoid the red ones, till they're all gone. I'll admit, it's kinda tense. God, I can't imagine doing this without direct mouse control. Once we get the last of these, we expose the bomb core, but it's surrounded with spinning patterns of red tiles, so we have to laser it without hitting them. It's easiest to use Derek's dark magic here, they go pretty fast. With that done, the bomb is defused, and all the doctors are saved.

Time to go to Africa!

Wait, hold on. First, on the plane over, one of the passengers gets sick, so we have to drain his bad stuff out. This is a pretty conventional surgery, except you're regularly interrupted by airplane turbulence. I also found it kinda boring. You spend way longer than necessary draining fluid from this guy.

OKAY NOW WE'RE IN AFRICA. We find this village abandoned, but after some searching we find this one kid, who conveniently leads us to Delphi's lab. There's not much there, it's been totally abandoned too. The trip turns out to be a wash, but worse yet, when we see the kid again, he's caught...TRIANGLES.

Okay, so let me break this down, because this is where the game starts getting mean. This kid's organ is getting covered with triangles, which basically will petrify it. This will kill him...obviously. This thing is made up of two parts: a regular pattern of triangles, and thorns that stick out of the points of the triangles. A triangle can only be removed when there are no thorns touching it, but the thorns grow back fairly quickly. Also, whenever you remove a triangle, they will attempt to go through a growth cycle. In a growth cycle, an empty space becomes a triangle if it's adjacent to a triangle and two thorns are touching it. There's also another condition, which I only learned about from the wiki, where a triangle with no other triangles next to it will generate three new ones, one on each edge, if it has any thorns touching it at all. Phew. You can see how this could get out of control quickly. I appreciate how this is sort of a puzzle, but it also feels like it doesn't take very many mistakes before you may as well just start over, because if there's a lot of triangles, beating back the growth of thorns is brutal. Also, some thorns will dissolve into mist, and if you don't vacuum the mist out, it'll spread even more triangles. This isn't very hard, but the biggest problem is that it distracts you from your flow of removing thorns as quick as possible, and can lead to falling behind very quickly. It's hectic and difficult, but with a bit of quick thinking and careful action, you'll get rid of every triangle.

At this point, we've actually just hit a chapter break, so I might see about breaking these posts into single chapters from now on. We'll see how that goes. So let's review: shocking a small child's chest a dozen times, tumors with vein shields, amazing fighting color-coded tumors, a fucking bomb defusal with a scalpel and a surgical laser, and of course the peril of triangles. That is all, see you next time!

[storydevs]

Performance Improvements & “Thank You” Page

Hey all, time for another update!

New Scrollbars

In the past I used a plugin for StoryDevs’ scrollbars. The reason I did this is because only Chrome (at the time anyway) allowed you to style scrollbars. In browsers like Internet Explorer or Firefox they were just grey. That’s fine for a scrollbar on the far-right of the window, but when the scrollbar is somewhere on the page and the site has a dark theme... it looks ugly:

Old (top) vs new (bottom).

The default scrollbars were also always visible, even when there’s nothing to scroll! I just wanted to change the colour of them so I decided to use a plugin. It did the trick but it had a couple of annoying bugs and more importantly it also captured all of the touch events.

All you need to know about touch events is that it’s basically a touch devices’ way of saying “hey, someone swiped/tapped my screen!”. Web browsers pass the touch events to your code and you can do whatever you want with that info. So on StoryDevs I used touch events on the mobile version of the site to allow swiping through the columns:

The problem with the scrollbar plugin I was using was that it intercepted all the touch events and wouldn’t pass them along. That meant I couldn’t detect taps/swipes. Pretty annoying! But hey, you know what’s more annoying? Making custom scrollbars myself! So I decided to just try to edit their code — I found the offending lines and commented them out and all was good in the world! ...

... Until I realised that those lines allowed nested scrollbars to work. By “nested scrollbars” I just mean “scrollable areas inside of other scrollable areas” like the code widget in the picture below. See how it has a scrollbar while it’s inside of the right-most column of the page which also has its own scrollbar?

By commenting out the code that intercepted touch events, other things like that code widget broke... I looked at the plugin code and decided it would actually take just as long to understand their code as it would to write it myself and ended up making my own custom scrollbars. Visually they still look the same (I’d already customised the look of the plugin scrollbars way back) but now they’re bug-free and don’t intercept touch events. Yay.

Here’s a summary of the new scrollbars I made:

They fix a couple of annoying bugs where the scrollbars freak out if the content was almost tall enough to scroll but not quite.

They allow mobile scrolling to work properly.

They’re about 540 lines of code (that includes spacing and comments).

I can actually read my code. The plugin code had very long lines that would wrap in my editor, indecipherable variable names, minimal whitespace.

Rids me of jQuery, which was a dependency for the plugin.

Which leads me to...

Zero Front-End Dependencies

A dependency, in case you don’t know, is just a fancy way of saying “someone else’s code”. It’s code you didn’t write yourself but nonetheless depend on. By replacing the scrollbars I was able to get rid of jQuery, the only remaining dependency for the site.

So why even care? Well, other people’s code can contain a bunch of stuff you don’t need. And that means every single user of your site is downloading unneeded data and wasting their bandwidth. In the case of StoryDevs I didn’t even use jQuery for anything except the scrollbars.

Which leads me to...!!!

Site Is Now Uses Less Bandwidth

After removing unnecessary dependencies and optimising the site’s graphics as well as the way code is requested, many initial requests (specifically ones not heavy on images) will be less than 100kb of data.

Let’s take the about page as an example. Can’t fit all of it in one screenshot but here’s the gist of how it looks.

If you visited this page prior to optimisation you’d end up downloading around ~750kb of data. Here are the amounts of data I was able to remove and how I did it:

~390kb — optimising the images.

~130kb — removed the scrollbar plugin and related dependencies.

~110kb — minifying JavaScript and HTML files (the CSS already was).

~110kb — requesting non-critical data after page render.

Keep in mind that I also added code and other stuff during this time, so the end result is that the data required to render the page is ~64kb, down from the aforementioned ~750kb. So about 10x smaller. Woo!  So let’s go over what the last two items above mean...

Minifying code basically just means making it as compact as possible. I had to write my own HTML minifier because I wanted it to minify my templates which have non-HTML code in them like you can see below. The stuff between the <% %> brackets are part of the templating language.

The minifiers I tried would die because of the various broken up tags and code embedded within them. I could’ve just minified the template after it was rendered as HTML but that means it happens every single request which is unnecessary. The templates just need to be minified once then kept in memory.

Here’s how the HTML looks before it’s minified if you view the source:

And here’s how it looks afterwards:

Anyway, the final bullet point above was “requesting non-critical data after page render.” What the hell does that mean? Simply put, browsers try to download everything you need to see the page before actually attempting to display it (i.e., before rendering it). This means if you link to a CSS file in the head of your HTML file the browser will think it’s needed right now and attempt to finish downloading it before rendering the page.

You can use this information to make an optimisation: only provide the exact code and resources needed to display what the user is trying to look at, then send the rest later. For example, StoryDevs now sends the entirety of its JavaScript code after the page has rendered:

Above is a table showing all the files needed for StoryDevs to work, with a graph on the right showing the order they’re downloaded in. The JavaScript and CSS files that I’ve drawn boxes around at the bottom aren’t downloaded until after the page is rendered because they aren’t needed. For example, “modal.css” is styling instructions for modal windows -- not exactly helpful for showing the about page!

Anyway, I think that’s about it for optimisations!

“Thank You” Page

The Patreon looks set to cover next month’s cost for hosting so in light of that I decided to add a “thank you” page for anyone who’s contributed to the site. This includes patrons, as well as people who’ve made one-time donations, acted as consultants, testers, and given moral support. The design is simple for now:

Why are the names pixellated?! Well, I figure some people might not want to be publicly acknowledged or they may not want their real name out there. So I’m going to contact people first before adding them. I won’t ask new Patrons because the reward states you can opt out / provide a pseudonym.

Keep in mind that this isn’t live yet. The in-development version of StoryDevs is quite a bit ahead of the live demo version. I’m keeping a list of all patrons and other folks for when I update. The page will be linked to from the about page and the URL will be storydevs.com/thanks.

Reason For Long Break

A few months back I was having a lot of trouble getting more contract work and got really poor. Now it’s the opposite situation and I have too much work. It’s really hard to find time to consistently work on StoryDevs under those conditions so I had to take a break.

This is the reason I started the Patreon — it got to the point where I couldn’t afford to renew the domain name, pay for monthly hosting, etc. If you want to help, $1 a month will get you permanently listed on the “thank you” page. If you’re not able to, that’s fine. The site will still be free to use and won’t run ads.

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading and have a good day/night :D

StoryDevs is a place for developers of visual novels and story-focused games to find each other and collaborate. The site is under development but handle reservations are open: www.storydevs.com/reserve

Patreon (new!): https://www.patreon.com/jakebowkett Website: www.storydevs.com Twitter: https://twitter.com/storydevs Discord: https://discord.gg/A2jtNqE Email: support@storydevs.com

[readingraebow]

The Death Cure Section Three

Chapters 47-Epilogue

1. Why is the Right Arm collecting Immunes? They're doing it to mimic WICKED. They're planning to sell the Immunes to WICKED so the Immunes can get inside the compound and they can take WICKED down from the inside. They have a contact inside WICKED who they're planning to sell to.

2. What is the Right Arma’s plan to take down WICKED? A woman named Charlotte created a device that will stop all weapons from working. The plan is to get the Immunes inside WICKED and have them plant the device so it will take out all the weapons. That way, they figure, they'll at least have an even playing field. When all the weapons are disabled then the rest of the Right Arm will break in and have an old fashioned hand to hand combat fight with WICKED's guards. From there, they plan to use the Immunes who were part of the Trials because they know the layout of WICKED's headquarters.

3. How did Newt get his limp? He attempted suicide back in the Maze. He said he climbed up one of the walls in the Maze and just jumped off of it. He said Alby found him and dragged him out before the doors closed. But he hated every single second of the Maze and life hasn't been much better since he left it =/

4. What happens at the end of chapter 55? Newt begs Thomas to kill him since that's the one and only thing he's ever wanted (apparently even before he was infected). Newt has already succumbed to the Flare but it comes and it goes. But, still, the one thing he asked Thomas to do is to kill him and even though Thomas doesn't think he can, he ends up pulling the trigger. I'M FINE. (Not.)

5. Why is Thomas the Final Candidate and what is the last thing WICKED needs from him? Thomas was the strongest throughout the Trials and responded strongest to each of the Variables. In the end, it came down to Thomas and Teresa. But they said Teresa followed the rules too easily and it was Thomas's desire to rebel that made him the Final Candidate. And what they need from him now is his brain. Basically the Trials were a way to see if they could map the brain without killing anyone but, if not, they were a way to decide whose brain they would need to study. So basically they're asking Thomas to donate his brain to science so, hopefully, they can use it as the final piece needed to create the cure.

6. What does the letter from Chancellor Paige say? Where has WICKED hidden the Immunes? Basically that she's stopping the Trials. She says that the Trials have served their purpose and they have more than enough data to map the brain and find a cure. She says that her colleagues disagree and that's why they were trying the procedure on Thomas. She, however, intervened in time to save Thomas's life and will force them to use the data they have to find a cure. She then requests that Thomas take his friends and leave for what will, hopefully, be a better life. She provides a map with directions to the Right Arm's headquarters inside the compound, where the Immunes are being help in the Maze and to the backdoor which exits through a maintenance closet which leads to the Flat Trans which goes to that better life she's promised.

7. How does the novel end? They manage to get the Immunes to the Flat Trans and start getting them through but then Janson appears one last time to try to stop them. All of the ones from the Trials take them on and win the last battle. But the Right Arm is blowing the building up around them so as they all start heading back to the maintenance closet and the Flat Trans, pieces of the building are falling all around them and one lands on Teresa, killing her =// But everyone else manages to make it through the Flat Trans to Paradise. About 200 make it out and they end up in a world that wasn't supposed to exist any longer. But it does and now everyone who lives there is Immune so basically they can start over and be the survivors and keep the human race going while the rest of the world will, presumably, die. But, as Chancellor Paige says in her last memo, the purpose of WICKED was to save the human race and, in the end, it finally served its purpose.

8. What did you think of this book and the series overall? Well. I honestly don't know what to think. I really wish I hadn't waited quite so long to read this book because I honestly don't remember anything about the other two books. Though I think I remember liking the first one better than the second (isn't that the way it always goes?) and I honestly really did like this one. Though, as a whole, I'd say this series is good but it wasn't spectacular or life changing. It didn't blow my mind like the Hunger Games and I don't feel the need to sing its praises from the rooftops and make everyone I know read it like the Raven Cycle (hi if you still haven't read the Raven Cycle, PLEASE DO THE THING. IT'S SO GOOD. Though. Actually, now that I think about it, when book club comes back and starts reading new books, we should read the Raven Cycle. I'll host???) Anyway, this felt like just another dystopian series. It was good and I enjoyed it but it didn't really earn its place in the hall of fame. At least not for me. I'm glad I read it though and it was a fun ride!!

  Section Three Reading Journal

Well, here we are on the other side. So. What else can I say about this series? I didn’t love it more than other dystopian novels but I can definitely list all the ones I hate (and didn’t even finish because I hated them so much) and while this definitely had elements of some of them, I didn’t hate it. But I didn’t exactly love it either. So it falls pretty much firmly in the middle?

I honestly really loved the ending though. I loved Chancellor Paige’s last memo in the epilogue saying that while they had failed miserably with the Trials and the last thing they ever needed to do was more of them, that by sending the Immunes away, they had saved civilization and done what they set out to do. But that also makes me wonder, why didn’t they just do that in the first place? As was said earlier in the books, WICKED’s entire involvement in “finding a cure” was shit show from the get go. They contained the virus so poorly (hi Denver) and then Immunes were so hated they were literally being rounded up and routinely killed. And they were literally humanity’s last hope. Why did they funnel all their money into finding a cure when they could’ve started rebuilding civilization with those who were Immune while working out better plans of containment and sending those who were showing no signs of infection, off to live with those who were Immune so, maybe, they wouldn’t also catch the virus. Because it’s airborne so cities are the last place that would be safe.

Basically, the Trials were completely unnecessary and they could’ve fixed things a long time ago. But there at the end, this was almost like a zombie novel and we all know how those turn out. By the time they figure out how to save anyone, almost everyone is already dead. So I guess that’s why I didn’t really love this series??? It seemed like it could’ve so easily gone a different direction.

Plus a lot of the main characters were, um, awful??? I remember really, really hating Brenda in Scorch but she didn’t really seem to have as much of an ~active role in this one. I guess I just missed the Gladers being front and center and that’s definitely why the first book is my favorite.

So. I’m glad to be done with this series. I did enjoy it and I’m glad I went back and finished it but I’m ready to move on to other things. I will definitely be watching the last movie. (I watched the first two but apparently I never wrote comparisons for them, oops. And now I think it’s too late because I don’t really remember anything about the books.) But I do remember the movies being wildly different than the books. So maybe I’ll like those a little bit better. But we all know why I signed up for those *winks at Dylan* haha. Anyway, if I do manage to watch it before it leaves HBO, I’ll try to remember to write a comparis here.

But glad I’ve finally come back and finished this one! And now I can’t wait to go and read another catch up book! Yay!

[opalmothnightingale]

More Blogs.  Yay (For Me At Least)!!

10- 7- 17 - 

More blogs I’ve made.  More ways to compartmentalize my thoughts, goals, etc...  And try to make myself focus on one thing at a time and commit and follow through, because I took the time to make a freaking blog on the goal itself, come on now, self!  Lol  So,..  the blogs:

A blog about spirituality, as in what I’d most like to share with others, if I was to share “my spiritual path”, instead of just random daily life tidbits and convoluted practices that are spiritually-relevant (yet vague, too complex or perhaps totally unnecessary or confusing, even misleading, like this blog and some of my others can be),...  Yeah, just sharing what spirituality is, more to the point, or what it is, to me: 

pathsaremade.tumblr.com

A blog about silence, and practicing silence, and things that enhance and facilitate silent meditative states, silent energy and guidance that comes through, healing and so on, during these silent times,...   Or quiet, not necessarily just pure silence (as silence is difficult for me to obtain and sometimes to bear, in its pure sheer blank state),...  

And what silence is useful for, when it is useful, or important and needed, when it can help with certain kinds of problems, can be like a form of meditation (even without formal meditative techniques) etc...  

Attempting to motivate and focus myself to practice silence more, is what this blog is for, and possibly also contemplating silence, writing about its relevance to other things in my life or life in general:

divingdeepintosilence.tumblr.com

A blog about the shadow, and healing of the shadow.  Healing trauma, aversion, fear, anxiety, avoidance, judgmental attitudes,...  

I started this blog because I feel a lot of trauma about being other peoples’ living walking shadows, or so it feels.  I also have my own shadow and I want to heal that.  I think part of my shadow is accepting that they see me as their shadow, and accepting the part of them that represses, rejects, denies, pushes my reality out of sight.  

So, this blog is for helping me to help myself those ways, and also to try to explain and find a way to bridge a gap to others who see me in such a fearful, negative light, and the backlash I have had of being so withdrawn, prickly and cringing away from all affection and kindness and presenting this kind of dark, imposing, threatening, confusing persona,...  

Which I do to prevent people from getting close, because I’ve had it with exhausting, meaningless interactions that end in being misinterpreted, told what to do, and at last, rejected, often even having my character attacked severely...  Arghh!!  So here is that blog:

shadowsantidote.tumblr.com

A blog for dealing with the fact that I want to mortify my flesh, and my mind and heart, my human self...  Both in spiritual ways that are tried and true for certain religions and paths and also just my going it on my own, outlet for my self-flagellations of criticism and such, even if they don’t always make sense, but I feel there’s a reason and a rhyme that may become apparent in these urges to put myself down.  I think there’s a message, a useful one, at times, and it may be exaggerated, distorted, even completely warped and misdirected...  

But if I just get the feelings out, without obsessing on them or amplifying them...  Just release it...  

Then I think the feelings underneath or the reasons or thoughts will get more of a chance to rise up and make themselves known to my awareness, or my subconscious, till I sense it out and get to the root of all this need and desire to mortify and shame myself,...  for some purported higher moral objective...  

And sometimes I think there really is a benefit to quieting, restraining the flesh, weakening it, like with fasting and even pain and other ascetic paths...  

I’m not sure what all practices like that I’d like to try, but some of them, at least, and here is a blog to explore all that: 

https://falltoclimb.tumblr.com/

A blog to create a friend-like feeling when I feel a sore need of a friend to confide in about my issues and feelings and dreams and vulnerabilities that I feel a friend would support, be open to, be enthusiastic about, and care about the best.  But I have to create that feeling for myself, oftentimes, and a blog can help me do that better, though...  It’s own separate space, set aside with the intention of accessing and building up and exalting that state of mind and heart that lets flow my need and desire and deservingness of a good, deep, truest, super close friend,...  Even if I don’t have a friend I really feel most comfortable with in this way and have the ability to talk to right now:

friendofmyheart.tumblr.com

A blog of prayers and answers to those prayers, and also practices of spirituality, art and offerings to spirit, and things like that, which I see as related to or various kinds of prayer, to me...  And as far as the “answers to the prayers” thing...  

I have another blog with questions to the universe, and possibly answers, too, but this is to be more overtly focused on tracking, noticing, and receiving the answers, than I had in mind with that other blog...  

Trying to track and see and notice if I can see actual answers to my prayers.  Because I think I can sometimes receive the answers to my prayers and not even notice them.  Sometimes I actually act on those answers, not realizing it is the answer to my prayer.  I worry sometimes I might not act on them at all, not notice that I got the answer, and let it slip by, too sometimes.  

I want to keep track, either way, just so I can be more aware and grateful and acknowledge the answers and help from spirit that I do get.  Also to give others examples and encourage them in their own prayer and spiritual life.  So, here is this blog:

drinkthedivinenectar.tumblr.com

Then I made two other “outlet” blogs, for things that felt even worse than that which I felt able to confide in a friend, easily or comfortably, or necessarily at all...  But that depends, I guess...  Anyway, I felt it would flow more easily if I created a “safe space” for expression, of these things, in their own separate blogs, and they are about shame, my worst of shameful things I have to face and deal with and try to address and overcome.  

Things I feel no one would want to support or listen or care or validate or help me with, in an honest way.  They would judge or expect more of me than I can offer, and thus I have to face my shame, purify, love, tolerate and be my own supporter in that way.  I haven’t written the first post yet for this blog.  

Then another blog, also shame-centric...  About abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, and psychological, manipulative abuse, and so on...  And the feeling of being trapped.  

The feeling that I also harbor tendrils of abusive patterns, even though I don’t think of myself as an “abuser”, but I see it as a potential, if pushed to bad enough limits of misery and inability to cope with my illnesses, mental illnesses and spiritual illnesses and traumas and psychological conditions, behavioral conditions, personality conditions.  Generally these things are not a problem and I feel proud of myself, proud in my shame, actually...  

That I can be honest about these things, things I think are far, far more common than most people will admit to, and those who do admit generally shift the blame, instead of admitting they too can be a part of the abuse cycle, and those who admit to being a part of the abusive decay themselves often turn to helpless resignation or complaining, banding together with others of their kind, criticizing the victimes, minimizing their harmful actions, distorting the facts.  

I will not fall prey to that because it would eat a hole in my soul.  I never wanted to feel the way I feel, to feel driven to be this way, to be cornered into a position where I feel so without better options and the ones left are so dark and insidious and threatening...  

I know a few things about the social institutions that would try to relieve my problems for me, if I tried to partake and they’re rife with dysfunction and abuse themselves.  My husband is the product of that system, taken from his parents when he was a teenager along with his many siblings.  

So we both have seen a lot and it’s no clean, clear, safe, good and reliable solution, and considering the level and frequency (low level and very infrequent for a very long time now) of the “abuse” (arguments with verbal abuse, and complex manipulative games and covert mental abuse, from him to me, with me only rarely lashing back in retaliation, when I can hold it back no more)...  Considering all that, we’re better off the way we are until I heal enough to have any better options.  I cannot support myself, etc.  So, it is what it is.  

I haven’t written the first post of that blog either.  But here they are anyway: 

https://underthewingsofspirit.tumblr.com/

https://sacredprofane.tumblr.com/

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 6: “Like Taking RIce From a Baby” - Gage

JC’S EXIT INTERVIEW

This is my official ode to JC. You are an amazing person and hilarious, and hosting you in Panem was amazing. I feel like shit going into this vote, knowing I had to lie to you and make you feel comfortable. It was probably unnecessary, but I had to make sure that no drama started on your game B tribe. Feel free to yell at me all you want and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. This Bering tribe is my worst Survivor nightmare come to life, because it's filled with all of my friends. I didn't want to lose that tasks challenge, I would've given anything not to. What it came down to was losing one ally in you, versus losing two is Jake and Jessy. My guilty conscience has already screwed Jake over in one game before, and it broke my heart, so I couldn't do it again. You are destined for great things, and I'm destined never to play Survivor again because this sucks.

Me succeeding at chemistry? What is this foreign concept? Steven went to bed at 12K, so the goal is to beat that before I can relax for the night. Can't give the tribe any excuse to get rid of me!

This is a work in progress but I needed to expand on my notes that were already taken. 

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1QYtSQkoVTHbbmz7ygzXrg6H5GeobpzNCWa6EIgpfK7M/edit?usp=sharing

A lot of the alliances are speculation, but I'm working on sussing out different relationships. I also need to find out what kinds of stuff people have from Adventureland, because, I'm paranoid af that if Bering loses again, Jessy might pull an advantage and cause the Malaysians to turn on each other.

I'm waiting for people to start getting dirty and sending home people that will still remain in the game. Right now it's very "all-stars best friends" right now. Like people need to start mixing it up. It's boring seeing a linear fashion in both games. The bigger names are all surviving so who knows what clique will prevail! Also this latest immunity made me want to bash my head off a radiator because it was painfully repetitive. Sure it's for a good cause but honey I wouldn't want to be the poor sod counting up precious rice grains. I'll be putting that website on my blacklist.

everyones so far ahead of me in this challenge like.... im losing this for my team and theyre gonna hate me and im gonna be voted out

You know what? Fuck you Jakey!

I feel extremely bad for all my teammates who spent their whole day playing this damn game. It's such a kick in the teeth. Worse again, it means I'm possibly in a perilous position because I was the lowest scoring member of the tribe. It also sucks because I'm forced into a tribal situation again with Steffen sooner than I expected. I swear this game is out to get me. I don't want to boot anyone off this tribe? Literally this sucks. All the boring cool people survive yet again!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck even is this twist, I can't even comprehend this.  Pat, Steffen and Wes literally spent all day and night doing this damn challenge and WE WON, we got to ask for an award and then suddenly it gets FLIPPED.  Like, this isn't even okay, I mean, if I were in their position I would have flipped it too but who on their tribes even TRIED? 

This is the most disheartening thing ever and I love my Hudson tribe.  I feel like it's going to be me and that feeling SUCKS so hard.  Just WHY.  

In happier news I should have talked about this yesterday but I don't remember if I did or not.  Maybe?  Probably not.  Anywho, I shared the clue Alex gave me before he left with Carson, so hopefully Carson will find something on that adventure I was supposed to be going on.  And hopefully if he finds something he will share it with me and at least tell me what it was he found.  

That could be a fun plus anyway!  Now it's time to make sure I don't go anywhere tomorrow FSLFJ FUCK. 

Drinking game!  Take a shot every time I say the F bomb,  I normally don't even curse. 

L  mood

ALRIGHT so I tanked the challenge bc I ended up being busier than I expected so whatever. I was going to go to tribal in both games and I knew I was probably going home but Jakey came in clutch and saved my ass and his own god bless. Lydia is going now so Im scared for her but I believe in her. ALSO i got to go on the adventure and I got to the flash game shit and i fucked it up by being a dumbass BUT I GOT ANOTHER CHANCE  and fucked it up again lmao

When I first saw the challenge results, I was more than okay with Andaman and Denali going to tribal. I don't have a particularly strong connection with anyone on those tribes. Jakey would probably go home because he can't vote and is on a tribe with a scorned Ricardo. Well, Jakey wasn't having that! He really hit everybody with that rice remix, huh?? There was no warning or anything, he knew it was fire and just dropped it, no warning. I have never been more happy to be mediocre. If someone took away my hard-earned win, I would be so mad. But it didn't happen to me, it happened to other people, so it's kinda awesome and funny.

Jessy, Pat, Lydia, and Wes are all going to tribal now, and that sucks since I like them. I especially don't want Pat to go home this early. I know he's trying so hard in this game; he deserves better than 20th. He's a great ally to have around too. I tried bouncing some ideas off Pat about what to do this round and hinted that he should try working with Lydia and Wes. Ya know, a little wink wink nudge nudge, please don't vote for them, Pat. I already lost Emma to this dual-games twist, I don't want more potential allies to go home. Thankfully, he was kinda on the same page as me and wants to work with Wes! So that's something, I guess. The tentative plan right now is to get Steven voted out on Hudson using Steffen, since Steven voted Steffen out of Game B. That's cool with me. I have Steven on my Game B tribe, so I could maybe pick him up and work with him if he's feeling a little burned about getting booted in Game A. On Thotse, I don't know what's happening, ha. In my dream scenario, Lydia, Pat, and Wes team up to vote out Jack, but I don't think that's going to happen. Wes is projecting onto Lydia and thinks there's still some bad blood from Port Royal. I don't think Lydia is that petty; she would put smart gameplay before revenge. Who knows what will happen, but hopefully my dream can come true and Jack goes. Nothing against him, I just haven't had much interaction with him.

If the trend of booting the people who are going to both tribals continues though, I feel like Wes will go over Pat. I feel Pat is a little more charming and is better to have around at this stage of the game. Regardless of what goes down, I'm glad there's a little shakeup happening.

It's kind of cute that I made that video last night being like 'well people are gonna figure out I have that Whirlpool idol eventually' and here comes fucking Jessy, self destructing my game as well as her's for no damn reason.  Jack and I talked last night and weighed the options of trying to go for Wes or for Jessy, and Jack was really pushing for Wes.  I know I said that made me really uncomfortable but...it really made sense. 

So, let me paint this picture; I'm trying to go to sleep, drawing up the courage to vote out Wesley even though my gut is telling me not too, and Jack sends me a message.  He calls me and tells me that Jessy is telling him I've got an advantage and using that to try and get everyone to vote me out. Like..........honey we were trying to SAVE you.  She didn't even wait more than 3 hours before starting to throw me under the bus.  

Another problem is that even if we vote her out she's going to tell people I have an idol/advantage and I wouldn't mind just playing it to get rid of the target because I have the Lava idol too, but if I play the Whirlpool one it mixes up everyone's advantage so I'd literally be giving the second idol away to someone else.  

I just really need to hope that Pat is as loyal as he says he is and Jessy doesn't...murder me. 

This is a mess.

Thotse seems almost too straightforward. Jack, Lydia, Wes and I all agreed Jessy is the easy option. Jessy is pushing me and Jack to blindside Lydia, because Lydia found a thing at the adventure and doesn't want to risk it being played. But what Jessy doesn't know I know is that Lydia already told me that this morning, AND she told me what it does. If I believe her. Which... she told me late, so I have SOME reservations. But apparently it's an item shuffler. And that makes sense given the twists we've seen so far.

So the plan is a 4-1 vote on Jessy, with Jessy's vote going on Lydia. If we're lucky, it'll be that cut and dry and I can explain to Jessy that it had to be a blindside because of idol paranoia. If it doesn't go as planned, Jessy idols and Lydia goes which is... not ideal. And if shit REALLY goes sideways, Jessy finds out her plan was never THE plan and she blindsides Jack or myself. Yikes.

On the other side, it's an even more complicated disaster of a clusterfuck of a calamity of a MESS, and it's all because of Steffen. 

I love this dude. Outside the game he's one of my favourite people. Inside the game? Trying to talk strategy with him is so difficult. I came to him with a foolproof idea to team up with myself and Wes and keep ourselves safe for this week, and even laid some groundwork that I would consider voting out Wes if we were decimated to a three person tribe. And his answer was basically "I'll consider it."

Okay, fair. Get all the info you can before making a decision. That makes sense. So I wait until 3ish this afternoon then message him back, asking if he thought about it. And his answer, in a nutshell, was "I think we need to know what's going on at Thotse first." Like.... no? we don't? it couldn't be less relevant? I know what he's doing. He's trying to milk me for info, but fuck if I'm giving it to such an obvious attempt.

So I call him on it, basically allude to the fact that if the games weren't operating independently of one another his ass would be the target tonight, and he doesn't pick up on it. Or else he did and said nothing. So then he goes on and talks about keeping people who can help in immunities, and I'm like, AWESOME. An opening! So I mention that Steven had the lowest score, isn't as dedicated, AND he voted Steffen out. (Sorry when you're reading this, Steven, but I had to say something to try and keep my ass out of the line of fire.)

And Steffen says he's afraid of the perception that might create about vindictiveness. So I'm like.......... fine whatever Ruthie then! Just don't vote out Wes or me because we both are comp help. And he says yes. And that basically summarizes the past hour. 

I've been bashing my head against the wall here. This is a Christie Smith type situation where the swing vote is being SO indecisive that there would be a temptation to wrest the deciding power from him. I even offered him the opportunity to name his target if he wants to vote with Wes and I. There's no way the other two can give him a better deal, right? And yet he's still hemming and hawing and it's getting so frustrating.

Meanwhile Wes is trying to work on Ruthie so we can get in a better spot there. Give us another option if Steffen decides to keep being more wishy-washy than a laundromat. And I told him I wouldn't write his name down, but if he's acting like a threat to my game I'm going to have to consider reneging on that. And the cutthroat style has never been one I actively enjoyed playing, but I also really don't enjoy being played. And that's what this feels like.

If I end up losing Wes in one or both games because of this fuckery, I'm losing my shift. By which I mean I'm only typing in lowercase from here on out.

A soon to be 'alliance' with Wes and Pat? 

An REAL alliance with Steffen and Steven?  YES PLEASE. <3 

I FEEL SO BAD RIGHT NOW, I was like so sure that I wanted to work with Wes going forward but I don't trust the quad alliance of Wes, Pat, Kait and MJ.  That has to be a thing and they aren't going to be final 4 on my watch. It's time to be the sweet, trusting, somewhat ditzy darling again and it's time to cause chaos and make my fallen hero Alex proud!

Tell me how I'm more worried about Pat going to these two tribals and the outcomes of them than when I was going to two in one night??? 

I guess just to recap stuff a little bit. I feel REALLY awful about voting JC out like that. They deserved better, and I really do think that they would've stuck with me, but oh whale. At this point like, there's still 20 people left in the game, you can afford to lose someone not so imperative but also kinda helpful to you. I? would've much preferred we voted Jessy out just because like yeah she's friends with Jake and stuff and I get that, but she also doesn't make an effort to really talk to me and hasn't made any strides to talk game with me so i'm like what's the FUCKENING point????????????? Also that alliance of myself, Jenn, Jake, and Jessy? Sus. I love being on the bottom, oh wow oh wow. 

Anywho, onto this ep! I'm obviously very pleased with where we placed in the challenge, this goes for both of my tribes, seeing as living in mediocrity saved me from going to tribal both before Jake flip flopped the results and after. I feel really bad for Pat having spent the whole day doing that only to end up going to both tribals, but obviously I get why Jake did it. However, him taking the fucking no vote at his next tribals was dumb like........sis wyd. Anywho, I find myself wanting to be all too nosy about what's going on on the tribes and what their tribal is going to be like. I keep having to remind myself just to mind my own fucking business and let things happen how they may. However? Jessy can leave on B, and Steffen can fucking leave already. He's so irritating in games and not even in an entertaining way, like he just is so dry to talk to when it's related to game, srynotsry steffo! 

I just want my showmance safe tru!

Wow. It really does look like it's going to be Steffen. I'm... surprised. I thought for sure he'd come around in time. But while I was gone to band practice, Wes spoke to Ruthie and Steven and solidified a plan to put the votes on him. He really is getting Christie Smith'd. 

I don't like it. But, it's the right move. If he's this indecisive over an early game boot that won't matter down the line, I don't know that anyone can trust him when the chips are down... except me, because we've got a pretty good bond. But one vote doesn't constitute majority on a five person tribe.

This is so frustrating. IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

well i'm back at tribal once again! 

this round was really complicated for me as the immunity challenge presented an even bigger issue than trying to win. jake has an immunity flipper and was going to use it so both of his tribes can be safe! i was gonna go to tribal if he did that (which he did) so i thought it would be mutually beneficial for lydia and i to not submit and she said that she "never forgets" so it wouldn't make sense. literally girl just say you forgot no one cares... anyway i thought i could trust her but she's just a snake so she's cancelled. jack told me she threw my name out right after she tried to reassure me i was safe and honestly i'm literally stunned that this girl can be so nice to talk to outside of the game but can be such a snake inside of it. erin from riau islands was right :/ let's just say time will catch up with her and i will try my hardest to stay in game a when i'm voted off game b tonight. i may not be in the best position right now but i know that when i'm given a task i am very determined. i believe i can get myself out of this situation... i just need to actually be inteligent. 

i'm apparently voting lydia off with jack and pat tonight but i don't really trust it. i think they're paranoid i have an item from my two adventures so they're making me believe that i'm safe but still i would play anything regardless tonight?? i'm legit in the worst position ever lol idk it just doesn't make sense for jack and pat to vote to keep me like... logically with pat being on a tribe with wes in game a. it makes sense for jack at least but as for pat it doesn't make much sense so i'm just praying he's just gonna vote her off anyway... i really think i'm fucked and going home, but i can't do much more than just be anxious lol. i'm basically Fucked. #CutForASwap

on game a i'm basically praying tthat i can bond with kait and jenn enough to where they'll see how beneficial i can be if i'm voted off game b. i feel like even if i'm voted off game b they'll feel that i have nobody in the game but jake and that's a really good thing. it's just... a stretch to say the least lol because i'm on a tribe with three malaysians and they're all really close. i don't know WHAT to do because we already voted JC off so my safety net is already gone. i'm just... i feel like i'm being closed in on and i'm losing wiggle room. i have not many options to make and i'm losing a feeling of security i never had in the first place and it sucks!

i feel like i'm only close with jake and to an extent... carson. carson is really cool to talk to but i know he's won before so he's clearly smart. in the endurance challenge i may have told him too much information so i'm trying to cool down on controlling information. that's a really big issue i have in these games! i'm way too trusting and optimistic (even though i'm paranoid as fuck) so i tend to tell people information easily. i also feel kind of good with ruthie and steven. i really want to be on a tribe with ruthie, she seems really cool and i think we'd get along. god... SWAP please.

that's it for now. 8 minutes before tribal council begins. 

Literally two minutes until tribal and I'm getting super sketchy vibes. 

Jakey using the golden record and causing the winners to go to tribal? Like taking rice from a baby 

I'm glad the Jessy vote worked out, but like... any time this game wants to stop kicking me in the balls, it'd be really appreciated.

sooo i had to use my record this round because i lost on both tribes and had no vote on any of them... lol... i legit had no choice LOL... so jessy's tribe is going to tribal and im hella nervous for her likeeee.... she or lydia is going i presume and they might be mad at me for using my record and take it out on her. if jessy goes im coming after jack so hard like.... no.... you can't DO jessy like that and get away with it. it will be the BIGGEST mistake in this game mark my words. but yea! i feel so insecure on both of my tribes and i just wanna win immunity until im off of these stupid ass tribes oh my goddddd. lets get to 2 tribes, keH? thanks. okkkk umm yeah. ppl might hate me for what i did but i honestly dont care i had no choice sucks for you. i feel like i have no one in this game besides jessy godd why do all my games end up like this. 

im mad at lydia about the whole challenge because she should have just threw her score and her and jessy would be safe but she just didnt... and then she got mad at me when i used it like girl im not giving up my spot in the game for you or jessy to go to tribal once??? like bye. get that ego out of your ass for five seconds, please. i'm sure you're constipated because it's fucking huge. (your ego, not your ass. tho not saying you have a small ass. i don't know what your ass looks like, lydia. i'm sure it's a wonderful ass.)

and yeah im done with everyone and this game. bye.

Well the time has come. Didn't take very long this time did it eh? I just love when online survivor games make you cry because you love your friends THAT MUCH.