#and so will my emotional support annoying freshman who will be a sophomore by then so maybe less annoying

[milkwands]

saw him earlier for probably the last time til spring semester

[6kuros]

ok i answered this when i was reallhy high and in silly mode with my enemy underhell69. but now i actually want to talk about them

tom and tord met thru edd, edd was tom's highschool friend starting like freshman/sophomore year tord transferred from norway to edd's highschool a bit after edd and tom became friends. tord was quiet bc of his poor english but would tease tom sometimes, i think out of jealousy over being friends w edd (weird competitiveness) and also he's just a prick

alsoooo i think tord and tom see themselves in each other which is why theyre hostile to each other lol. (both self loathing to an extent) nicotine addict and alcohol addict both gay transgenders both kind of virgin losers with 2 friends both metalheads. they should be best friends but instead of they have a weird rivalry. i think their similarities piss each other off

said rivalry is tord annoying tom for attention- as time passes and tord's english gets better their relationship is like how it is in the end, but for a while early on tom can be just as mean as tord is

their arguing gets on matt's and edd's nerves a lot it can be a prblem for the whole house

despite their arguments they do from a genuine friendship even if it's based on banter and making fun of each other- like i said they have a lot in common, similar senses of humor, also are the only trans men of the group forging a fucked up bond

theyre both bored and touch starved virgins w emotional issues so eventually this turns into a situationship thing where theyre not dating but do Stuff for fun

this is very inspired by underhell69 the tomtord connoisseur lellll and also lines up w my own interpretations of tom and tord. eventually tom's mental health gets to a point where he has to make an improvement and tord isn't good for that- tord brings out the worst in him and he's fun to hang out with if u dgaf abt ur life which tom is sick of after living in survival mode in an unstable family situation/abusive household for like 7ish years

tom wants emotional connection/intimacy and a stable sense of love and support which tord doesn't want nor know how to provide. he's mostly interested in tom sexually (i hc him as aro to an extent) and isn't receptive of tom being more emotional bc of his own emotional intelligence being shiet

things get more tense and this leads to "tomtord breakup" which is a big push in tord leaving- he was already considering bc he didnt have a job and was just fuckig around after highschool but after that he doesnt want to stay in the same house as tom and acts on his impulse to run away from everybody

joins red army thru paul and patryk who he met in college yadayada

hey.... whats ur opioion tomtord yaoi? also u dumb poopoo head

um.................hi...

tomtord yaoi is preddy awesome when theyre not actually a couple but have something homoerotic going on thehy were GAY before tord left

[mydogisveryadorbs]

crush | jj maybank

summary: jj has had a crush on you for longer than he can remember

warnings: cursing, mentions of smut (if you squint), tiny bit of angst, SOFT JJ, fluff, fluff, fluff

masterlist :)

(gif credit to the owner)

2.1k+ words

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JJ Maybank is was a player.

This is a well-known fact on both sides of the island.

You knew of way too many girls, pogues, kooks, and tourons alike, that had tried their shot at him. All hoping that they could magically change his bad-boy exterior and that he would suddenly transform into the dating type.

It wasn't uncommon that you had girls come into the shop, crying to you about how JJ Maybank didn't text them back and proceeding to buy a bunch of sweets to comfort themselves. 

Your family-owned Kildare Bakery, home of the best cupcakes the Outer Banks had to offer. You had grown up helping your parents out in the bakery and once you turned 16 they finally made you an official paid employee.

You worked behind the register and for the most part, you loved it. It was really interesting to meet new people, especially tourons visiting from out of state. 

However, there were moments where you didn't enjoy your job and this was definitely one of them.

A girl who looked to be about your age had walked into the store a few minutes ago, looking sad, but you didn't say anything. You simply asked if she needed any help and all of a sudden she was breaking out into a fit of sobs, reaching across the counter to pull you into a hug. You awkwardly patted her back, “Umm, you okay?”

“T-there was this boy,” she hiccuped and you immediately knew exactly where this was going. “I met him at a party last night and we h-hooked up and it was like really good, but when I asked him for his number he wouldn't even give it to me.”

You tried to hold back your eye roll but you couldn't help it. “Let me guess, his name was JJ,” you say, his name sounding slightly bitter on your tongue.

The girl finally pulled away from you, wiping her puffy eyes. “You know him,” she asked in confusion.

You nod. “Yes. Don't worry though, you'll find a much better guy and you will forget about JJ in no time,” you say in an attempt to comfort her.

She narrows her eyes. “Wait, you've hooked up with him too,” the girl asks.

You can't help but laugh. “Absolutely not, I just get a lot of his previous hookups in here,” you explain, gesturing to the display case. “I typically recommend the double chocolate cupcake to girls who've had their heart broken by JJ Maybank.”

The girl continues to look at you in confusion, but nods at your suggestion. You grab a chocolate cupcake and quickly box it up wanting to get her and all of her emotions out of here as quickly as you could. 

“That'll be $2.34,” you say, and the girl quickly pulls out a ten. You hand her her change and her cupcake. “Have a nice day.”

Unbeknownst to you, JJ Maybank himself watches the interaction from outside of the bakery.

He can't help the way his heart feels when he sees you comfort the crying girl who he vaguely remembers from the boneyard last night. 

Pope nudges his rib cage with his elbow. “Seriously, JJ,” Pope says, clearly annoyed by the blonde boy. “You brought me all the way down here just so you could stare at the girl you've had a crush on for years.”

JJ rolls his eyes, trying to cover up the blush forming on his cheeks. “I don't have a crush on her,” he says in an attempt to convince his friend. “I just think she's nice to look at.”

This was a complete and utter lie. Despite growing up in Kildare, you weren't very well known on the island, most people didn't pay you a second glance. You didn't really partake in the typical shenanigans of the teens on this island, and you always felt invisible to your peers. 

But JJ saw you.

He had seen you every day in gym class Freshman year, every day in biology sophomore year, and every day he didn't skip in English junior year. And now that summer had rolled around, he couldn't help but come to the bakery just so he could see you more. JJ not only thought you were a living, breathing angel, but he also adored the way you were always so sweet and kind to everyone you met. How could he not have a crush on a girl like you? You were like a cold that he couldn't shake, not that he ever wanted to. But in his mind, a girl like you would never go for a guy like him.

Watching you talk to one of his hookups made him oddly guilty. He knew he shouldn't, but hooking up with random girls was the only way he could think to take his mind off you. Clearly, that didn't work, because here he was, yet again, staring at you through a window.

“Dude, you're so whipped,” Pope said with an eye roll. “Just go talk to her.”

JJ’s eyes widened. “Absolutely not.”

Pope scoffed. “You're telling me you've never even talked to the girl?” he asks incredulously. “JJ, bro, you're a goner.”

“You say that like it's easy,” the blonde says, dramatically gesturing his arms.

With another eye roll, Pope puts both hands on the other boy's shoulders. “Okay here's what you do,” he says and JJ listens intently. “Walk inside the store, go up to the counter, and you fucking talk to her.”

JJ pulls away. “Dude no way,” he exclaims.

“Okay fine,” Pope says. “If you go in there and talk to her, I'll give you all my delivery tips for a whole week.”

JJ looks at him. “A week,” he asks unconvinced.

“Fine. Two weeks.” They shake on it and JJ prepares himself to go inside.

The idea of even talking to you makes his stomach queasy. God, Pope is right, he is whipped.

After a few minutes, JJ tells his friend that he is ready and Pope pats him on the back before pushing him towards the entrance encouragingly.

You looked up to the door when you heard the bell ring, signaling someone entering. You were shocked to see the same boy you had been talking about moments ago. You make eye contact with his big blue eyes, getting entranced for a second. Pushing away your negative impression of the boy, you offer him a sweet smile.

JJ looks down at your lips, then back up to your eyes and without a word. You wonder why he isn't moving further into the shop, but before you can ask what is wrong, he turns around and walks right out the door.

Once outside, Pope comforts the boy with a laugh, telling him “next time�� and they walk away from the shop leaving you utterly confused.

The next day, JJ drags John B, Pope, and Kiara along with him to the bakery, telling them that he needs “extra support”. 

“C’mon man,” John B says with a shrug. “(Y/N) is way too nice to shoot you down,” he adds jokingly.

Kiara elbows him in the stomach. “Don't listen to him, JJ,” she says, shooting John B a glare. “Just be yourself.”

JJ nods, feeling confident as he walks through the bakery doors, but the second he sees your radiant smile all his courage flies out the window and he quickly walks back out the door.

This cycle goes on for three more days. JJ walks in, sees you, and leaves. You are becoming annoyed with the boy's actions, wondering if he is playing some sort of stupid prank on you.

It is Friday night, a few minutes before the bakery closes, and JJ decides that enough is enough. He needs to talk to you and he needs to do it now.

You are wiping down the display cases when you hear the bell ring.

When you turn around, you see JJ. Before he can say anything you glare at him. “Are you kidding me,” you say, sassily. JJ didn't even know you had a sassy bone in your body. “You've come in here every day this week and you look at me and then walk out,” you lecture him, “Seriously, just order something.”

“I-I,” JJ stutters but he can't get a word out in his shocked state.

Closing your eyes you try to regain your composure. “I'm sorry,” you say, your voice softening already feeling guilty about raising your voice at him. “I didn't mean to lash out on you.”

JJ shakes his head, softly smiling at your kindness. “No it's me who should be sorry,” he says remorsefully. “I probably confused you so much. I just- I think you're really beautiful.”

His words shock you. JJ Maybank thinks you are beautiful? You didn't even know he knew you existed before today. This had to be a prank.

You softly pout at him. “That's not very funny, JJ,” you say, looking anywhere but his eyes.

“What?” he asks, confused.

“It's not funny to play me like that.”

JJ frowns at your accusation, heartbreaking slightly. “I'm being honest, (Y/N). You are really pretty.”

You narrow your eyes. “I'm not sleeping with you just because you called me beautiful,” you say.

The blonde boy blushes hard. Clearly, you knew of his reputation, and he hated himself for it. “I don't want to sleep with you. Well I mean, I do, but- shit,” JJ cuts his rambling short, noticing the scowl on your face. “What I meant to say is that I want to take you on a real date, and hold your hand, and kiss you goodnight n’shit.”

To say you're shocked is an understatement. “How do I know this isn't some elaborate joke,” you ask him warily.

“It isn't, I promise,” JJ says honestly, but the look on your face doesn't change. “Last year in English you sat in the second row, three seats from the left and you got A’s on all your papers because you are a good writer. In Mr. Hills biology class you fell asleep almost every day and you would always drool a little bit on your notes. In gym class Freshman year you hit my friend John B in the face with a basketball and you didn't stop apologizing for like three weeks. Trust me (Y/N), I've had a crush on you for a long time.”

By the time JJ finishes his speech, your jaw has dropped. You didn't think anyone at that school even knew your name, let alone JJ Maybank. 

“I-I honestly don't know what to say,” you tell him. “You have a crush on me? You, JJ Maybank, the one guy I told myself I would never fall for?”

You didn't know it, but every word that falls from your mouth is like a knife to JJ’s heart. 

“But I couldn't help myself,” you add, causing JJ to perk up a little bit. “I get girls in here all the time whose hearts you broke, but still, I see you living your best life with your friends and I can't help but want that with you.”

“Go out with me,” JJ says with a mouth splitting grin on his face, “Please. You can wear something nice and I'll bring you flowers pick you up and take you out to a fancy restaurant.”

You can't help but laugh at his outburst. JJ is pretty sure that his heart stops at the sound and he wants nothing more than to make you laugh every day for the rest of his life.

“I'm a simple girl, JJ,” you say sweetly, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. “You don't have to spend a bunch of money on me.”

“You're worth every pen-” you cut the boy off by holding your hand up.

“How about you grab some pizza and I'll grab some dessert and you can pick me up and take me to a picnic on the beach,” you suggest.

JJ looks at you and nods his head like an obedient puppy. 

“Okay, it's settled. Now get out of the bakery so I can close up,” you say with a giggle, playfully shooing him away.

The blonde quickly moves to leave. “I'll pick you up at 6?” he asks sweetly from the doorway.

You nod. “I like pepperoni,” you call out with a chuckle as he backs out of the door, a big smile on his face.

JJ Maybank has a crush on you.

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masterlist

[purplesurveys]

1076

Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I honestly never felt the need to see a single page, hear of the plot, or watch any part from any of the movies tbh. I just heard from everyone it was full of smut and it was enough to turn me away from it. Then it got banned in my school which definitely helped in not having to hear anything about it again.

What does your sibling(s) call you? In third-person they refer to me as Ate, which is the honorific for older sister. But my sister usually addresses me simply by looking my way and starting her sentence/question from there.

Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? I don’t have a significant other anymore but my ex used to be unnecessarily mean about some of my close guy friends. I didn’t like some of her friends too, but I always had some valid reason behind it, e.g. they were creepy around her, they were aloof towards me, etc. But she didn’t like some of my guy friends by the sole fact that they were guys and she didn’t trust them around me, and like it was just something I couldn’t do anything about tbh. It also hurt me, because I love my guy friends and it didn’t feel right that she hated and criticized them without even wanting to make the effort to get to know them.

Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? My life is the grand sum of what I make of things. Idk if that’s able to address the question, but that is how I see the world in general.

Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No. Doesn’t really sit well with me, simply put. I believe that when I die, that is it for me; same with all other living beings.

The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I guess The Hunger Games. I saw the first movie and fairly enjoyed it, but that’s it as far as my interest in the franchise goes. I have never had any idea what The Maze Runner is about, and I honestly keep confusing it for the Divergent series for some reason lol.

Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? I don’t think so. If I did, I probably have already made the conscious decision not to hang out with them a lot haha.

Did/do you believe them? If I did know someone, I would not believe them.

Is anything annoying you right now? It’s fucking Sunday evening and I am not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow. I’m also staying up late (it’s already past 11 PM) and I know I’m already going to regret this, which is annoying me even more.

Have you ever been ice-skating? Yes! So many times as a kid. We don’t get actual snow though, so some malls have artificial ice skating rinks for those who want to do so. From ages 8-10 my mom would drop me off at the rink for me to practice/play in for a few hours because she knew I didn’t like tagging along in errands.

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? I wouldn’t say it helps me sleep since I generally have no issues dozing off, but the sound does make me feel calm and relaxed.

Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Yes, I had a classmate with albinism at one point.

Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? I don’t think I ever have. I never had to.

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? Probably. Or, at least, shot my hand out in an area where I ended up feeling a big cobweb.

What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Despair. Hahahaha. Give me a longer fucking weekend, universe.

Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No, just this survey.

Do you have trust issues? Well now I do.

Have you ever found an arrow head? I don’t know; I don’t think so.

Who is with you? It’s just me in my room now. Kimi didn’t enter with me, and I think he wants to hang out in the corridor for a bit tonight. He’ll knock once he wants to be in here.

What can you not stop thinking about? How much longer I should continue doing this survey because I need to get sleep if I don’t want to wake up cranky.

Do you forgive easily? No. I tend to hold grudges, and I’d rather be honest and straightforward about my grudges than lie to someone’s face that I’ve forgiven them when I know within myself that I still resent them. I feel like that would be unfair to them anyway so it’s grudges all the way for me.

In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? Not sure there’s a most. I possess self-awareness so I continue to learn as I get older. < Yeah I gotta go with this one. In every start of a new chapter in my life, I always seem to pick up new details or lessons about myself.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I’ve been in physical fights but no fists were ever thrown.

Are your ears pierced? Yes, they are indeed.

What did you last say out loud? Something along the lines of “Not yet? Alright” to Kimi when he decided he didn’t want to enter my room with me.

What are you waiting on? I’m waiting on Friday already -____-

Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not usually. I like expressing it indirectly, like having shorter patience with them or ignoring them completely.

Are your feelings hurt easily? This working girl has to sleep, lmao. Catch y’all soon. Okay, where were we... Yeah, I would say being sensitive is one of my main traits. It’s fairly easy for me to get my feelings hurt, and I tend to overthink/overanalyze the simplest of jokes or comments towards me.

What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I haven’t started shelling out when it comes to clothes; like I’ve mentioned before, most of my money goes to food and the rest goes to gas, lmao. My most expensive clothes are probably just my WWE shirts. The merch I own are of the biggest wrestlers during the time I got them, so it was their shirts that cost the highest.

Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? Probably Hans. The two of us don’t talk much at all, but we always bond super well when we’re together and I can count on him to give me honest, hard-pill-to-swallow advice. Angela has to be with us though, or else I’ll feel awkward and shy.

How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? Yes, but there are good and bad sides to it. I will always be thankful to Gabie for tirelessly encouraging me to try out new things, expand my horizons, and to be unafraid to discover what I am capable of. She was undoubtedly my biggest supporter, especially when it came to going out of my comfort zone. I grew a lot from my relationship with her, so much so that it has definitely helped shape me to be the much braver, risk-taker person I am today. I like who I am now, and I won’t deny that it was she who helped in bringing that person out of her shell.

Bad side...she made me say sorry a lot. For her, she could do no wrong; and even if she did, she was always able to flip a situation around to make it sound like it was actually my fault. And so I said sorry, a lot. For four years. And on my end, I don’t think I received a lot of the apologies I think I deserved. So these days, I get jumpy with people and always feel the need to panic and apologize for the smallest shortcomings. She also always wanted to win arguments. Getting her point across and me agreeing with it mattered more than actually resolving arguments and moving our relationship forward. Bad as it was, it taught me a personal lesson: I learned how to negotiate and communicate better in my other relationships because I wanted to avoid the toxic dynamic I had in my own relationship.

As sad as I am that I lost the relationship and as much as I continue to think of the things that could have been, these days I get sadder instead when I think of how much I allowed myself to be treated that way. Of course, I’m very aware that I had my own set of problematic traits too. I’m not saying I was the model significant other (I was far from it), but the main difference between us is that I was always striving to be better in the relationship. I wanted to address the issues she had with me and to try to be a better, kinder person from it, for her sake and for my own personal growth. Unfortunately, all my attempts at healthy communication with her was always met with, “I can’t change who I am because this is already me.” Anyway, I’m rambling and I’m starting to feel sad again. Next question! Hahahaha.

Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Claire Foy’s Elizabeth from The Crown.

Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? I was invisible in freshman and sophomore years, High school was the start of a new chapter, and my track record with new life chapters was never impressive because I take longer than normal to adjust to new environments. By third year I reconnected with Angela, and she hung out with the popular kids, so soon enough I got pulled into that crowd. I’d say by the end of high school I was a solid point on the radar - it was also thanks to my open secret of a same-sex relationship in a Catholic school, if we’re being honest lol - but I never liked having the spotlight on me. I liked that I had popular friends, but I myself never wanted to stir up shit on my own. I was just glad to be constantly invited to soirées and underground parties, lmao.

Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? I’ve always been icky about the concepts of dating and sex. I could never imagine being intimate with anyone, and sex isn’t the biggest priority for me in relationships. The only time it makes the most sense to me is if I did it with someone I’ve built a solid, strong connection with; a close friend that I could trust. Realizing those made it easier to accept within me that I’m demi, or at least dancing around somewhere under the asexual umbrella.

What was the hardest part of your last break up? Coming to terms with how shittily I was treated, during and after. By the end of our relationship, she made it seem as though talking to me and maintaining the relationship was a chore. Every mistake I made sent her into a rage, which always ended in me rapidly apologizing in tears. Then after the breakup, she simply wanted to cut ties with me. She was never willing to allow me to healthily process the situation, and whenever I had questions in mind she would answer them curtly, and not give me reflective answers or perspectives. I begged for a long time to have my questions answered and to allow myself the teeniest bit of closure. 

I had such a shiny, sparkly, perfect, can-do-no-wrong idea of my girlfriend for our entire friendship; so to take my rose-colored glasses off was the hardest part of it all. But taking that hard step was also the first step to healing, so it brought some good too I guess. I just wish getting to the good and easy part didn’t have to be so painful.

What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? The awareness that I had friends who unconditionally care about me. Also if I’m being honest, the Christmas break. I realized I was having such a hard time with my breakup because I was also already dealing with work burnout and the pressure of being in a new position and trying to make as few as mistakes as possible  ��� so by the time the Christmas break rolled around and I had two weeks of no work, it was enough for me to recharge, realign my priorities, and determine the things and people that matter and that I want to keep.

What's your favorite kind of smiley face? Idk, I guess just :)? I like keeping my emoticons simple.

Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? I dunno if I have one.

Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I did, but I never liked it. I remember Rugrats very specifically because this was the show that would be on Nickelodeon whenever me and my sister would be woken up at 5 AM to prepare for school. It came before Legends of the Hidden Temple, which was a lot more fun to watch.

What about Hey Arnold? I caught it often because this was also an early morning show (it came after Legends of the Hidden Temple), but I was never into it either. I also never got to watch the episodes in full because the school bus would pick me up by the time this was on the air.

Do you like pep rallies? Idk what that is.

Have you ever had pneumonia? No.

What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? The possibility of accidentally waking up in the middle of a surgery and being unable to speak out because I was anaesthetized scares me more than anything else. But since I’ve never had to have a surgery before, I imagine feeling completely terrified if the time ever comes for me to have one.

Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? I don’t play it. I think I tried it before, but it just never stuck with me. The most I’ve gone with it is to watch several playthroughs by Pewdiepie. I have no clue what you mean by servers.

Do you read creepypastas? No. I’m familiar with some, but I never read any.

Do you think vlogging in public is scary? I feel like this survey contains snippets from many different surveys because I’ve definitely answered this question before...but anyway, I wouldn’t say it’s scary per se but I AM shy when it comes to these things, and I don’t think I have it in me to carry a camera around in public and directly speak to it.

Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? Mmm no, doesn’t sound like my idea of fun either. I don’t like solving puzzles hahaha.

What social class would you say you're in? Middle class. We live a relatively comfortable life in this country.

Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? Nope. I have never recorded myself singing because it has never been necessary lol.

How do you feel about guns? Not a fan. If I needed weapons for self-defense, I’d get anything other than a gun.

What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? The drunken rages I had to helplessly watch from my childhood years.

Are you faint to the sight of blood? Yeah absolutely. Like I’ve always felt bad about it but I was such a shit helper whenever my ex had her semi-regular nosebleeds. I did help, I just panicked and nearly hyperventilated every time I did so because of the blood HAHA

Do you like spicy food? Love them, but the food has to be meaningfully spicy for me to enjoy it - like curry or laksa. Spicy food shouldn’t just be dishes with sprinkled spicy powder as a finishing touch, because for the most part that just irritates my throat and it doesn’t allow me to appreciate the spiciness.

Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I think I am back to having simply strange dreams. But in the last few months, my nights had. been regularly plagued with nightmares.

When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Idk it was probably something my mom said that I had discarded from my memory. I’ve gotten so much better at that now.

What’s your second favorite color? Baby pink/pastel pink.

Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? I think about this everyday. Yes.

Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? One of my uncles.

Have you ever been involved in an affair? Nope.

How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I talk to them everyday since we have a Viber chat. I wouldn’t know what tasks to do or prioritize without them, so we need to be in touch all the time.

What do you want for your birthday? I don’t even want to think about my first birthday without her...but anyway, mine and Cooper’s birthday are super close to each other, so I actually want to throw a small party at home celebrating our birthdays haha :) Cooper can get his own doggie cake and cupcakes, heheh.

Have you ever been to a masquerade? I don’t think so.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? I’m sure I can think of a couple of people I know.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Angela.

Anything you’re avoiding? I wanna avoid work for the next hour or so. Then once I’ve done some recharging, I can continue with a few tasks tonight so that my workload can be just a bit lighter tomorrow morning.

After breaking up, what’s the worst? Depends on the breakup. < Agreed.

Does your sibling have a significant other? I don’t think either of them has.

Do you use Skype? Not since a decade ago. At work, we mainly use Google Meet. Some clients will use Zoom; one client uses Teams.

Are you a fan of acrylic nails? Not yet, but I do want to try it out someday just to spoil myself haha.

Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. Idk if I can call myself happy just yet...hmm. Paramore does have a short song/interlude called I’m Not Angry Anymore, and it’s a happy-sounding song with a very passive-aggressive message hahaha. I’d say that’s me right now. Some of the lyrics go:

“I’m not bitter anymore, I’m syrupy sweet I’ll rot your teeth down to their core if I’m really happy

Depends on the day, if I wake up in a giddy haze Well, I’m not angry, I’m not totally angry, I’m not all that angry anymore” and everything about it is so meeeeee.

Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Forgiveness, also by Paramore. Sorry I’m in a music slump y’all. Only Paramore has been able to make my days the slightest bit better.

What is your most used pick up line? I don’t use those, nor do I like hearing those.

Do you like the taste of alcohol? Sure. I like strong mixed drinks the best, though.

What kinds of food make you sick? I don’t have a weak stomach when it comes to food. The only food that has made me sick are expired foods.

[sluttyprincessinarizona]

Holy shit, alright.

So, first off, hi. I’ve been having a tough few days because of various reasons that I may or may not get into in this post. I’ve been bottling up all of my feelings for too long and writing things down has always been easier for me than talking about them. Basically, this is me spilling a lot of my secrets so I can get them out of my head. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you expected or wanted from me, please skip this if you’re not okay with a post like this. 

TW//: Talk of anxiety and depression, mental and emotion manipulation(?), mentions of death and suicide, and just dark shit in general. Proceed with a lot of caution.

Hello. My name is Malachi. That’s not my birth name but it is the name I choose to go by. I am a non-binary African American person that is trying their absolute best in the life I was given. Admittedly, I’m not fairing very well but I continue to try everyday.

I come from a fairly large family. 8 siblings in total, 1 on my moms side and 7 on my dads. My mom and dad never married, they broke up when I was five years old, and when my dad moved out, I stayed living with my mom. My mom is bipolar and manic depressant and my older sister, my moms daughter, was a spoiled brat until I was born. From very early on, my sister would constantly tell me that I ruined her life, that she wished I was never born, that she hated me, etc. Unfortunately for me, my mom wanted me and my sister to get along so I was always around her. She would read books to me and have me around all the time. Because of this, I’m pretty sure anyway, I grew up to be very gifted. I entered kindergarten a year early, and all of my school life felt easy. I was never challenged. Even the gifted classes I was out in were hardly anything to me. Now, I know this sounds like I’m bragging, but I take no pride in these words or my talents. I’ll tell you why later.

Growing up was surprisingly difficult for me. My mom was struggling to support both of us so we moved house a lot. We moved into our grandma’s house at one point. That was when it was the worst. My sister would constantly tell on me, but when I turned the tables on her, she’d beg me not to. She’d promise that she’d ever tell on me again, and then turned around and threw away said promise as soon as I let it go. I was the “problematic” child. My sister berated me constantly, telling me that I was bad at dancing and singing, which is still one of my passions to this day. It stuck with me. Everything does.

Fastforward to middle school. I had spent the last few years of my life with a less than agreeable sister and a difficult to approach mother. I’ll get into my father’s deal in a little bit. Elementary school hadn't been good either. I was at a higher level than lost of people, so I would occupy my free time with books. PE and outside activities never intrigued me as much as most kids, and so I was then deemed the class outcast all the way until about 7th grade. Up until 5th, I trusted others way too easily. Someone could walk up to me, tell me their name and say they wanted to be friends and within a week I'd be telling them all my secrets and family troubles. It was stupid really, but no one taught me any different. I was betrayed a lot, and everyone in our grade knew things about me that I'm embarrassed to admit. It was heartbreaking to 5th grade me. Why was everyone so mean?

I was always more of a tomboy, even as a child. The girls were too "girly" for me and the boys didn't converse with girls so I was, again, alone.

By the time I got to 6th grade, I had already adapted a system. Go to school, do well, read in your free time, go home. No friends, no acquaintances, nothing. It was how I kept my heart safe. And it worked for a while. Luckily, I moved schools when I came up with the system, so no one was too keen on approaching me in the first place. Then, 7th grade came around. And holy god, was it horrible. For some reason, I made a friend. Now, she was nice. Very nice. We bonded over Undertale, she was great. We're still friends to this day. But I kept her at arms length, cause I had just broken the system. That wasn't apart of the plan. Even worse, I made two more friends. And worse than that, I developed my first ever crush on someone. All of my plans were failing, my walls were crumbling. But when these walls fell, my heart grew weaker still, cause having friends isn't as great as it should be. Especially in middle school.

Our small group was riddled with mental illnesses, and we'd joke about wanting to die at least twice a day. It was how we coped, even though none of us made any effort to get better. It wasn't the best, but 8th grade was somehow worse.

Our group split right down the middle. Half of the group wanted nothing to do with the other half. And I was stuck in the middle. I liked everyone, they were all my friends. How could I possibly choose between them?

And then, as if things couldn't get worse, one of my closest friends in that group called me out. Apparently, I had become so dependent on them, on her, that I was becoming "too outgoing" and annoying, and she stopped responding to me. I had let her inside my walls and she still hurt me deeper than anyone else. I apologized profusely. I had gotten so used to not being a bother that losing her trust was one of my worst fears. It scarred me. I spent days sulking, just wanting to properly apologize to her. I wanted to hear from her, I needed to. Eventually she forgave me, but the damage had been done. That was when I had come up with a new idea. Another system. I didn't execute it, but the idea sprouted in the back of my mind.

8th grade was the year of my first panic attack. It was dumb, really. I woke up, got ready for school, and realized there was an assignment I forgot to do that was due later that day. I had had a perfect record. My homework was never late, and it terrified me to no end to think that my streak would end like that. I sat against the wall of my bedroom, covering my mouth and hoping that I was crying quietly, so I wouldn't wake my dad. No one to help me, no one to ground me. I was spiraling for too long. The only thing that snapped me out of it was myself. I had to go to school or I'd be late, that was how I got myself out of that darkness. Pathetic, I know.

High school was a different battle field in and of itself. Sophomore, Junior and Senior year were pretty good, so I'll only talk about Freshman year.

I was very scared of high school. All the middle school teachers said high school teachers were ruthless, mean and impatient. They kicked people out of class, out of the whole school. School had been easy but high school was different. The mere mention of it made me nervous. Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned it before, but I have pretty bad anxiety. It's primarily social anxiety, but it gets bad at the worst possible times. I think I might have depression but I'm too scared to bring it up with my therapist, so that'll probably stay unsolved.

Freshman year wasn't very bad. It wasn't worse than 8th grade at least. What really got me was the workload. Self discipline, time management, all the mature people things that I had to learn. It made my anxiety skyrocket. I would be finishing assignments during lunch, mere hours before they were due. I was a rightful mess, on all accounts.

I had a big fallout with my dad, and that just made all of my problems worse. I'll get into that another time, seeing as this post is already too long.

Finishing high school was a breeze compared to earlier years. I made a small group of friends, many of which are onto bigger adventures in life. I haven't started college yet, but I haven't talked about what it is that I really wanted to talk about. The thing that's really been on my mind.

I'm nobody. I'm not just a nobody. I'm nobody. I honestly don't know who I am. My entire life, I had forfeited finding myself in favor of catering to others. I relinquished my personal freedom to make others life easier. I listened to everything my parents told me to do. No question, no complaints. I bend and broke myself to make my sister happy. I gave her so much of myself that I didn't have any left for me, yet she's still not happy with me. My friends don't know who I am. My mind is constantly thinking, I'm constantly drowning in dark thoughts and harmful words but they don't know. I hide it from them, I hid everything from them. I told them not to worry about it. And eventually, they did. It hurt. It stung. But it was my fault entirely.

My dad called me a robot once. I followed orders with feeling or hesitance. He was right. My constant thought process is all of my responsibilities. All of the things I need to do for someone else. Taking a break is impossible. Mt family needs me to function properly so they can live freely and without regret. I can't do that.

I can't eat what I want without making my mom angry in some way. I can't say or do or buy or receive anything without getting into an argument with my sister about how I'm somehow the spoiled one. Hell, I take a nap for too long and my mom gets upset at me. My dad is another ball game all on his own, so I won't talk about him right now.

What I'm trying to say it that my life isn't mine. My life is spent caring for others. Listening to other people over myself.

I'm horrible at taking compliments. I brush them off, deny them, pretty much anything other than saying thank you. It's not that I'm not grateful. I'm just tired of them. I've been showered with praise all my life, but it's bittersweet when you're taken advantage of every day. Taken for granted endlessly. They start to fade together.

Generic, everyday praise infuriates me to the highest level. Don't you dare say that cookie cutter bullshit to me. You think I haven't heard "oh you're so smart" before?? You think I haven't heard "you're beautiful" before??? I understand that you're just trying to be nice, but fuck off with that run of the mill fuckery.

Compliment me

How about you say, thank you for trying so hard for us?

Or, I see you helping out. I appreciate it.

Or, god forbid, you cab relax for once, I can take care of it.

Because god knows that I need a fucking break sometimes!

Oh, take a day off? Unless you want to come over here and handle my 101 responsibilities for this day alone, I suggest you shut that shit up right now.

Telling to take it easy doesn't fix the fucking problem.

One thing I know I do have are some major anger issues. That's not easily solved. None of my problems are.

At this point, I feel like I am my problems. Without my anxiety and my anger, who am I?

Who would I be?

Would I be better? Worse? Who would I have become?

I don't want help because help would change me. Help would get rid of me.

Whoever that me may be.

[struckmynerve]

tin here! so this is my boy roman—the tldr version of him is that he’s complicated, a little misunderstood, and very intense. when he’s good, he’s very good, and when he’s bad, he’s uhh... so here’s a lil warning that his words and actions in the future may get hurtful and / or unfounded because he’s that kind of guy. everything will be tagged accordingly and do let me know if you have certain triggers!

general info

name: roman vaughn gallo birthday: october 21 hometown: westchester, new york year: sophomore major: finance three positive traits: forthright, persuasive, self-sufficient three negative traits: arrogant, domineering, indulgent aesthetic: wavy, groomed hair / a brown leather strap patek philippe watch / dark-hued trucker and blouson jackets / kenneth cole shoes / an indifferent facial expression / lip-licking and frustrated huffing when he's losing his patience / disingenuous smiles when he's in the mood to be a jackass / 19-69 chronic eau de parfum (bitter grapefruit, cannabis accord, and moss) / oribe crème for style (oribe house cocktail scent)

biography / timeline so far

he’s the only child of colonel elias gallo and sheila gallo (née marquez)

his parents divorced when he was 12, and his father gained full custody, which is why roman went with his father when he was stationed overseas.

roman became a bit of an army brat; he lived in pordenone, italy, for three years and another three in kaiserslautern, germany.

living in airbases taught him extreme discipline and formality; until now, he says "yes, sir" or "yes, ma'am" when speaking to authority (and also maybe when he's teasing his girlfriend).

on the flip side, roman grew up with very little intimacy and emotional support, which created a rift between him and his always-busy father. needless to say, he was heavily neglected, despite having plenty of fellow army brat friends.

his mother remarried when he was 15, and up until then, he and his mother communicated often; communication seemed to wane from bi-weekly calls, to monthly calls, to no calls the older he got.

because of the lack of attention he received during his adolescent years, he became somewhat of a cold and distant teenager, and that hasn't changed as he entered adulthood.

he developed a short temper, too, most likely caused by the lack of conflict resolution he experienced growing up. if he fucked up (and fucked around) in the airbase, his punishments were draconian (i.e., manual labor and lots of verbal abuse from his father).

the second he got the opportunity to leave the army brat life behind, he did. roman needed normal, especially after not having it for six years.

he spent his gap years traveling europe, divided among spain, italy, greece, france, and amsterdam (thank you, dad's money).

he decided to go to college in norcal, because 1) he missed being in the us, and 2) he's always loved the west coast. lo and behold, he got himself a scholarship and applied as a finance major.

in all honesty, he wasn't thinking about taking his education that seriously, but once he found out he actually liked studying and was compatible with the lifestyle, he ran with it.

he also swore to himself he wasn't a monogamous relationship kind of guy, but when he met chelsea during a freshman mixer, they haven't left each other's sights since.

he enjoyed her carefree, slightly wild, independent spirit, and she adored his protective, mysterious, romantic personality. their relationship was intense, to say the least.

so, what happens when you put two explosive, confrontational, and jealous people in a committed relationship? a year and a half of arguing, making up, arguing, making up, ad infinitum. in their defense, year one was pure bliss and pure love. the last six months were when things began to fizzle out, and whatever scars they gave each other began to fester.

they broke up on halloween night (permanently, officially, for the last time), and they've minded their own business ever since. minus the late-night texts and calls, of course.

personality / miscellaneous things

he speaks fluent english (obviously), as well as conversational portuguese, italian, and german. don't ask him to speak in another language for the fun of it. he finds that annoying.

grew up wealthy, but was never spoiled. owning expensive things isn't a big deal to him because he thinks it's the default. he'll go ham on the 7-eleven dollar menu, though. he's no snob.

his hobbies include playing the drums (rip to his neighbors), killing time on video games, marathoning horror movies, organizing road trips and vacations, and wasting money on r/wallstreetbets.

he's actually quite intelligent and obviously hardworking, and if he could get his head out of his ass and prioritize his education, he'd be going places.

he's generally an amicable and sociable person, just don't assume you're best friends after hanging out once. he hates people who're like that and won't hesitate to never speak to you again if you get all buddy-buddy with him, especially when he doesn't vibe with you to begin with.

he's the kind of friend who's down for any type of adventure and will pick up the bar tab when needed; he's a bit of a hedonist in that sense. also, he's the tab picker—you're welcome in advance. you'll owe him in favors, but still.

he's quick to anger but knows better than to visibly show it or throw a tantrum in public. you'll just know when he's angry. his smile is gone, he disengages from the conversation, his jaw is clenched, the works. most of the time, he'll just walk away.

the only time you'll see him act on his anger is when you push him to talk about his personal life or anything he doesn't want to talk about. he doesn't care if you'll trade your own secrets in exchange for his.

he does have asshole tendencies, which are amplified when he hangs with frat boys or when he feels like he can get away with snarky quips around you. he'll usually apologize when he's gone too far, but he has his own spectrum of what's considered to be 'too far,' so ymmv.

despite his demeanor, he’s not an unapproachable war freak. sure, he doesn't smile a lot and has a lot of social land mines, but he means no harm, generally.

[thekingkang]

Underrated characters

Disclaimer: Everything in this post is strictly my opinion.

The Freshman/The Sophomore

Annisa

Beautiful ray of sunshine. Doesn’t get nearly enough screen-time. Has a great sense of humor and I smile whenever MC talks to her. Super talented at keyboard. An icon.

Madison

Always optimistic. Everyone takes advantage of her, but she’s the sweetest friend ever. Loves MC and supports her. Wears the cutest clothes.

It Lives In The Woods

MC

Works her ass off to keep her friends safe. Makes mistakes and has vulnerabilities, but tries to remain as strong as possible. Holding it together surprisingly well. Went to face a literal shadow monster using an old wooden bat with nails in it. Queen of fighting the supernatural. Sam and Dean who?

Lucas

His expectations of himself are so high that he would rather sacrifice his mental and physical health than slip up on one of his commitments. Even though his struggles are so much more than what meets the eye, he’s the most selfless person and is always putting others’ needs first.

Noah

Has to deal with the loss of his sister and a toxic home environment. He deserves better and he’s so strong. Basically annoyed by everything and just wants Mr. Red to die. Legends only.

High School Story

Maria

Constantly deals with people talking behind her back. Her passion and drive are always mistaken for bitchiness, although the male student leaders never get the same flack. Even when she’s stressedt™️ she still dresses like a Vogue model.

Sydney

WOC and also LGBTQ? Good shit. Most talented cheerleader on the squad, but stays humble. Lowkey crushing on Mia. Sweetest girl ever; always tries to make people happy. Stays unproblematic.

Endless Summer

Estela

The hottest babe you will ever be stranded on an island with. Would burn down the world for your sorry ass. Mysterious and enigmatic. Fiercely loyal to those she loves. Pretends not to care, but sometimes lets her emotions cloud her judgement.

The Royal Romance

Hana

Sweet, caring, passionate little princess. Has endured heteronormativity for her entire life and rarely gets a chance to explore her sexuality. Affectionate and romantic at heart. Pretends to be innocent, but I’m pretty sure she undresses MC with her eyes at any given opportunity.

The Crown & The Flame

Trystan

Literally risked his life for the sake of the kingdom, only to lose everything and be forced into hiding. Such a brave boy. Loves his sister to pieces and tries so hard to do what’s right by her. Constantly torn between his loyalty to Dom and his responsibility for Rose.

[thesuitelifeofjughead]

Butterfly and the Beanie

Jughead x Reader

An unlikely pairing, that starts with good intentions, but��� is it match made in heaven or a match that was just made to burn?

Warnings: Not everything can have a happy ending. (Swearing, Fighting.)

Word count: 3,148

A/N: I just got done watching 13 Reasons Why and feel a bit melodramatic so this happened. I did it more for a storyline and less for cute moments. I hope you all still enjoy it.  I tried first person with this one, please give me feedback on which point of view you like my writing in best: 1st, 2nd, or 3rd. The narrative switches from flashback to current day, hope it’s not too confusing. Ps i’m very proud of this.

I’ve been thinking about those words ever since I walked out of school today.

High School Sweetheart

The definition: Jughead and I.

Or at least, it was.

As I walk home, holding everything in, I try not to think about it, but I can’t help it.

How I met the boy that ruined me in all the best and worst ways.

I met him at the Drive-In, a few weeks after my dad and I moved to Riverdale to start anew in the fall of my freshman year, after my mom passed away, I remember it clear as day.

“So this is the famous Drive-In of Riverdale.” I say, walking up to the window of concessions on a Friday night. The lot is only about a third full, the movie halfway over. “I heard the popcorn is killer.”

The boy behind the counter lifts his eyebrows at the comment, looking me over.

“And what if it is?” he asks, going to get a popcorn bag. It’s the only thing they serve besides soda and water.

“Well, I was wondering…” I say, fiddling with a straw wrapper that’s on the counter, twisting it around my fingers, tearing the paper on my ring, “if maybe I could find out how to make it?” I make eye contact, giving him a small smirk.

He brings the popcorn bag to me, a few kernels falling to the counter.

“Sorry, it’s an employee secret.” he smirks, taking some from the top of my bag causing more to fall, before throwing the few he took into his mouth. He doesn’t look like he has a uniform on, just a sweatshirt, jeans and a beanie. He doesn’t really look like he’s working anywhere, but maybe that’s just the dress code.

“Well, then how bout I become an employee?”

I can’t help but think about it now, and how it got to this point.

I lay on my bed, staring at my ceiling, tears staining my cheeks and turning my eyes red.

I look at my phone, and there’s a bunch of calls, and a few texts, all from the same person.

It’s Jughead.

‘can we talk?’

‘i didn’t mean it, it just happened.’

‘please call me.’

‘butterfly… please.’

I throw my phone at the wall, unable to look at it any longer.

Then I take my ring off and throw that too.

“Don’t overfill the machine, the popcorn will burn and it will smell for a week.” he says, showing me around the small concessions space, “and when people ask for a soda, fill it halfway with ice first, saves money.”

“Scandalous.” I say, joking around.

“The only scandalous thing around here is some the movies we play.” he says back, a smile forming on his face.

“Really?” I ask, raising my eyebrows as he walks back over to the machine to fill it up for the night rush. I lean against the counter that just a week ago I was on the other side of.

“Pretty soon I’ll be forced to show Fifty Shades to get attendance up. It’ll be anarchy.” he says, closing the door to the machine and walking over to where I am.

“Complete mayhem.” I respond with a small smile, not even noticing that my fingers are fiddling with the ring I always wear.

“Can’t wear jewelry while handling heavy machinery.” he says, motioning to my hands, making a joke. No way did a popcorn machine count as heavy machinery. I lift them up in surrender anyways, sliding it off my finger.

I make a point of holding it up before putting it on the side of the counter, only doing the motion so I remember to take it back after my shift.

“A butterfly.” he says, staring at me.

“What?” I respond, slightly confused.

“The ring, it has a butterfly on it.” he states, nodding his head to where it sat now.

“My mom gave it to me.” I tell him, “she said it means hope. Reminds me that I should never give up on it.”

I walk the halls of Riverdale High the next day, Tuesday, my head down, unable to look anyone in the eyes.

It feels like they’re all staring at me, like they all know that the couple who was ‘goals’ is now over.

It’s sickening.

I walk into the lounge and everyone goes silent. I look up to see Archie, Ronnie and Jughead. No sign of Betty.

Sitting with them used to be a normal occurrence, but now…

I look away from them, a hand going up to wipe away the tears that were starting to form and fall from my eyes. I don’t want them to see me cry.

I didn’t realize it would be this hard to see him, sitting there.

It doesn’t look as though he’s that torn up about it, although…

This is the first time he’s been at school without his beanie.

“Why do you wear that thing every day anyway?” I ask, wiping the counter. The night was almost finishing, and he’s been fiddling with his beanie all night.

It’s been a little  over a half a year since I started working at the Drive-In, Sophomore year seems to be just around the corner, and even though the summer just started, I find myself not wanting it to end.

I like spending time here, I like spending time with him.

“I’ve always had it.” he tells me, “I’ve worn it since I was a little kid. Makes me feel safe, I guess?” he shrugs.

I give him a small little smirk, “Oh really?” I ask.

“Yes Butterfly,” he says, using the nickname he gave me, “it gives me courage.”

“Courage? Oh wow. Deep.” I try not to let out a laugh. I stop myself when he playfully glares at me. “Courage to do.. What exactly?” I ask as I hop up on the counter, sitting on it. The movie credits rolling in the background, illuminating me from behind.

“Different things on different days.” he looks at me, walking over and standing next to me. “Sometimes it’s courage to get up in the morning, other times it’s for a math test.”

“And today?” you give him a smile, putting back on the ring you had taken off for work.

“Today. It’s to ask you..” he starts, his voice nearly trembling. I have a feeling I’m about to find out what’s on his mind, “if you, would like to go out, sometime? Like to Pop’s or something? Not surrounded by popcorn…”

“The legendary Jughead Jones of the famous Riverdale Drive-In, asking me on a date?” I smirk, noticing how close he is to me, his hands nearly touching mine on the counter.

I tuck a strand of hair that’s fallen out of his beanie behind his ear, the light reflecting off his black locks in a way that makes my heart stop. He’s looking at me as if his world depends on my answer. My not-sarcastic answer.

“Of course, beanie.” I say sincerely, his nickname now cemented in my mind. I nudge him on the shoulder to ease the tension, letting him know that I would’ve said yes no matter what, “You’re buying.”

Ronnie approaches me at my locker, closing it on me and causing me to jump.

“Geez, Ronnie, I was getting my books.” you say, mildly annoyed.

“You need to talk to him.” she gets straight to the point.

“No, there’s nothing to talk about.” you say, putting in your combination on the turn lock.

“He’s distraught, (Y/N), the kiss between him and Betty meant nothing, they both said so.” she says, adjusting her backpack on her shoulders.

Unwanted tears begin to form again just thinking about it, and as I try to stop them before they fall, I realize I hate that I’ve become so emotional so quickly.

“But why did he do it in the first place? And why didn’t he tell me if it meant ‘nothing’?” I look at her, opening my locker, “Why  did I have to find out from her? ”

She just stares at me, unable to answer my question.

“I thought we were happy..” my voice cracks, a few tears spilling over despite my best efforts, “so why?”

It isn’t until we get back to school that I realize somehow everyone knows. We’ve been going out all summer, in our own little world, using each other to get through everything that happened. We had cute dates in the park, walked along the river, and almost made a daily stop at Pop’s together. We are the talk of the school, and all our friends, until the news comes that Jason Blossom is dead.

In the lounge, I sit next to Jughead, his beanie flopping back against his head in a more laid back fashion. I twist my ring around my finger.

“I want to write about it.” he says.

I look up at him, trying to read his face.

“Okay…” I say, a bit unsure, “why?” it’s not a rude question, but more of an inquisitive one.

“With all the shit that happened with Archie, and the Drive-In, it may serve as a good distraction.” he says, trying to be optimistic, but there’s a sad look on his face.

The news came at the end of the summer that the drive-in is being closed down, a hard hit on us both.

“Yeah. Sure.” I tell him, giving him my full support, “maybe one day you’ll be famous.”

That earns a smile on his face as he slides his arm around me and pulls me close, the only PDA he seems to give me in public.

“Always the Butterfly.” he says, the bell ringing for next class.

All I remember is being ushered out of school by Ronnie. I don’t remember if we took the bus, or walked, or got picked up in a car. I don’t remember her bringing me into her house and laying me down. I don’t even remember changing clothes.

Yet here I am the Wednesday morning, sitting in her living room, with a baggy t-shirt on, no pants, A cover over my body.

There’s a rustle in the kitchen as Ronnie makes breakfast.

“What happened?” I ask, sipping the coffee she had given me moments before.

“You deserve a day off.” she says, bringing the plate to where I sat.

“No. What happened? The day they kissed?” I rephrase, looking her in the eyes as she sits down in the chair next to me.

“Jug said that she was helping him with his novel, trying to solve what little bits and pieces they could…”

I watch him work from the other side of the booth at Pop’s. He’s furiously writing something about the case, always writing.

I consider sitting here with him a treat though, as he’s become more scarce in spending his time with me. I still want to be supportive, but the novel is taking over his whole life. So much so, that it’s starting to make me worry. For the past month he hasn’t been answering my texts as much as he used to, doesn’t playfully banter with me, even skipping out on movie night, which has replaced our weekend activities since the drive in closed.  

It’s been an hour since either of us has spoken a word.

I sip my milkshake, wondering if he even realizes I’m there anymore.

“Beanie…I don’t know what’s more interesting, the fact that I’ve seen the back of your computer screen for the past hour, or that you haven’t even touched your food.” breaking the silence, trying to make a joke and get his attention.

He glances up momentarily before shutting his computer.

“Sorry, Butterfly, when I get in the zone…” he starts, reaching out and taking one of my hands, running his thumb over my wrist.

“You can’t stop, I get that.” I say, intertwining our fingers, “It would just be nice for you to actually be present when I’m around.”

“I know I know.” he seems really sorry, a warmth in his eyes.

I want nothing more than to kiss him right now, but I know the unspoken rule is to save that for ourselves.

His phone dings and he goes to look at it. His body shifts, urgency in his shoulders, a tension in his face.

“I’m so sorry, but I have to go.” he says, quickly stuffing his laptop back in his bag before slinging it over his shoulder.

“What? But it’s Friday. It’s movie night. You’ve missed the past two.” I say, trying anything to get him to stay.

“Betty needs me, I’m sorry.” he says before giving me a light kiss on the forehead and walking out the door.

I sit there for a few minutes, before something dawns on me. He’s never done that before, kissed me on the forehead. Kissed me anywhere in public, I realize.

Something’s changed.

“He kissed her that night, didn’t he?” I ask, interrupting Ronnie.

“What?” she says, surprised by the question.

“He kissed her.” I state, now sure of it. It wasn’t that Betty came onto him, or that he only kissed her back. He kissed her. I can feel it in my bones.

“I don’t know.” Ronnie admits, setting her mug down on the table, “They didn’t tell me anything much besides the fact that it didn’t mean anything to either of them.”

“Bullshit.” I say, a venom in my voice not meant to be directed at my only friend right now, but I can’t help it, “He meant it.”

On Monday, I try and find my boyfriend in the lounge, but I can’t seem to find him all day.

I eat lunch with Veronica, one of my closest friends out of all of the group. I tell her almost everything about Jughead and I, and she eats it all up.

She loves the fact that we’re a couple, says that we’re the couple that others are jealous of, that we’ll be the High School Sweethearts everyone wishes they were.

I just laugh and tell her that it’s not true. I tell her that we’re just a normal couple like every other one out there.

The rest of the day drags on like every other one, but I’m excited to see Beanie after school.

Friday has been playing over and over again in my mind, him kissing my forehead in Pop’s. While it’s been nice to keep intimate moments to ourselves, I can’t help but yearn to touch him and hold him and show him off in public.

Something changed on Friday, and now that maybe showing affection  was a possibility,  it’s exciting.

Jughead always meets me after school in the lounge so we can walk together, so that’s where I head towards once the final bell rings.

I’m stopped by Betty Cooper.

“I need to tell you something.” she says.

I nod. Sure, Betty and I have never been terribly close out of my group of friends, but I’ve told all of them many times that if anything ever comes up that they can talk to me about it.

“You’re going to hate me.” she begins, tears forming in her eyes. Her lips press together, not meeting my gaze.

“What? Betty-” I begin.

“I-I kissed him.” she says between gasps of air.

“Who? Archie?” I question, confused. I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal. Last time I checked she liked Archie.

“No, no (Y/N).” she says, her blonde ponytail swaying back and forth with the shake of her head, “I kissed Jughead.”

“She told me she kissed him to soften the blow.” I whisper after sitting in silence for a few minutes, thinking about everything that has happened.

“I’m sorry.” is all Ronnie says before a knock at the door makes us turn both of our heads.

“Butter- (Y/N)?” a familiar voice says from outside the door.

“What is he doing here?” every bone and muscle in my body tensing all at once, my voice cold.

“I don’t know.” she says. I can tell she’s being honest.

“I came when I didn’t see you in school. I went to your house first. And when you weren’t there I knew you were here.” he says, answering my question.

“Go away.” I say, my voice raised so he can hear.

“Please, I just want to talk.” he says, and there’s something in his voice that breaks my heart all over again.

I nod to Ronnie, a signal to let him in.

She does so, then goes into the other room to give us some privacy.

“What do you want?” I ask, not looking at him. I can’t stand to see his face or his body or his hair or his clothes. I can’t stand it.

“I’m sorry-” he begins.

“No! You don’t get to be sorry.” I say, my voice rising, “you don’t get to do that.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“BULLSHIT. You knew EXACTLY what you were doing.” I stand to meet him face to face.  “You kissed her, Jug. And I had to find out from her. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you come to me right away when you started feeling this way? Why didn’t you tell me you were unhappy?” I say, a mix of rambling and yelling coming out as tears start to form for what seems like the billionth time in the past few days.

“I was never unhappy, (Y/N), you should know that.” he says, and I can see in his body language that he wants to reach out to me, but now he doesn’t get that luxury.

“Okay.” is all I can say, wiping under my eyes.

“It was the heat of the moment, I swear to you that much. It was a mistake.” he says, sadness in his eyes, “I don’t love her, I love you.”

“It’s a bit too fucking late for that.” I spat, my voice shaking as tears spillover my cheeks with the words. I know I’m probably being too harsh, but even if it was a mistake, it happened and I know in my heart I have to move on now.

“Butterfly-” he says, lifting an arm to reach out to try and comfort me.

“Don’t. Don’t call me that.” my hands going up reflexively to keep him at an okay distance.

He pauses, looking at my hands.

“Your ring. You’re not wearing it.” he says, his voice so small I can barely hear it. I give him a look, as if to say, ‘why is that important right now?’

All he does, though, is turn around and quietly leave, the door shutting with a small click.

It’s only then that I know.

As his footsteps disappear beyond the door, I know in my heart that my high school sweetheart, my beanie, my hope- is gone.

Part Two: Here

Part Three: Here

Tag list: @always-chocolate @theselfishllama @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @idle-lanes @xbobaaa @juneb @vanessa-sanch-blog @murderyoursoul @sardonic-jug  @brokeenline @baz-catalano @juggheaddjonesworld  @darkxwithoutxlight (If you wanna be on my tag list, just ask!)

[inthemidstofthefire]

Life is Crazy (and I’m only 20) My Breakup Story

Well man, let me tell ya life is crazy. Before I came to college I thought I had a pretty good idea of what life was, you have your routine, go to school, see friends, family, and eat. Maybe you take a vacation, fall in love but blah blah blah. But I had never been in love in high school. In fact, I never even liked anyone that much. Sure I kissed a few guys but things never went further and my crushes usually dissipated. Eventually, that small town life got boring, as it tends to when you grow up. So, I left. I applied to school in California, was luckily supported and allowed to go. So in 2015, I found myself here at an orientation meeting more new people than I had in my whole life! I loved it because, well, I’m a very social person. Freshman year was great, I had a fun group of friends, we went to fun parties and school wasn’t totally on my radar. My now ex, was. Matt and I first met as he brought another girl into his dorm, where I was hanging out. That girl was my friend and I was happy for her. I started hanging out with his roommates and alas we started a friendship. We ate a lot, smoked a lot, went to concerts. It was fun. Then it started to change, there was a lot of sexual tension, and one day before thanksgiving we made out. It progressed, we kept hooking up until, finally, we were kinda drunk in a stairwell and he said something like:

“Olivia, what are we doing here?”

To which I responded:

“Um, I don’t know”

“I think we should date.”

From there ensued a two hour conversation in which he convinced me to date him. Now l wasn’t being pressured, I just was unsure. He was part of my friend group at the time, and if it didn’t work out I’d be in an awkward position. But at the same time, I REALLY liked him. He was so cute, and fun, and nice. I had never liked anyone the way I liked him. So I went with it. Upon leaving I said 

“This makes me very uncomfortable” in a joking tone, but I was pretty serious.

After we dated for a few weeks, Valentines day approached. It was weird, but luckily I was out of town. We continued dating and that awkwardness began to fade. One night I snuck him into my dorm room and I lost my virginity to him. I was really excited (although it was awkward because my roommates were sleeping in the room—he also made me go on top, when I had no idea what I was doing). From then the sexplosion started. We were fucking so many times a week, people got annoyed. 

Around June I went home after finals for two weeks to spend time with friends and family before returning to Summer school. Now keep in mind my whole freshman year, I was in a weird place. I was done with my hometown and I thought with my friends. I didn’t really talk to my friends back home that year. When I returned home I was just so excited to get back to school. I remember the first red flag was when I was talking to my friends about going to a nude beach. Matt said that he didn’t want me to go because although he respected my bodily autonomy, others might not—so I should wait for him. I got into a huge argument, threatening to end the relationship. Which of course I didn’t want to do, but at that time I was still confident and not afraid to lose him. We worked through it, but he was still always weird about body things. 

Then something shifted. 

The summer of freshman year I did a summer program for architecture. Partly out of interest and partly out of a desire to get the fuck out of New Jersey. Right before it started though, Matt and I took our first vacation together. We went to a sleepy, meth town called Pismo Beach. The people were kinda weird, and the water was so cold, but the air was so hot. Definitely a weird beach weekend. When we first got there he began trying to have sex with me, he sort of just threw me on the bed and started fucking me. He never asked, but I thought that maybe our rough sex had given him a weird point of view. And I didn’t think it was all that bad because if I was horny I would have liked it. I cried a lot, and that’s when I had my first panic attack with him. He kept apologizing and said “I would never do anything to hurt you.” I accepted and we moved past it. The rest of the weekend was fun, we got good cinnamon rolls. 

This was a weird time. I had class everyday 9am-5pm. I lived in an apartment with strangers. And let me tell you, it was so fucking hot and my apartment had no air conditioning. I had never cooked for myself before, so most of the time I was starving. My neck always hurt from staring at my computer. I also had no friends. It was tough—I loved the work, but the scenario was hard. During this time Matt was still working at a restaurant back home so he would come and visit me on the weekends. First weekend was fun, he slept over, we probably smoked weed, got dinner etc. But by the 2nd to 3rd week of the program I started to feel weird. Now I’ve had childhood anxiety, I couldn’t sleep at night due to panic attacks, forgot how to eat, couldn’t leave the house. But I thought that was behind me. I started feeling extremely lonely, as I had made not one friend during this program to hang out with. Matt was the only person who was there for me. I was lonely, sad, tired, and stressed. One night I just said that I wanted to go home after only spending a little time with him, and before I could leave I just broke down. I told him “something isn’t right,” and he listened. I explained how I was feeling, he probably said he would help and that he loved me. He gave me encouragement and went home. These feelings persisted. The next weekend, I wanted him to come down but he couldn’t. My friend Andrea came and we went out for drinks. We met some lawyer who kept buying us tequila shots and margaritas and before you know it I was trashed. Now I know tequila, and alcohol in general, makes people emotional, but this was a whole other level. We got home, Andrea stayed inside, and I went outside and called Matt sobbing. I was so upset and I thought the only relief would be if he came over. He said he couldn’t, obviously (he lived far away and had work the next morning). I don’t remember saying any of this but I started crying about how I wanted to kill myself and jump in front of a car. These were thoughts that I had never uttered out loud or really ever thought of sober. He texted Andrea frantically saying I was going to kill myself, she came to get me we went to bed. I apologized to her in the morning saying it was just the tequila, and felt so guilty. 

I finished off my program and we went to Matt’s home for the night as I was flying out the next day. I was absolutely devastated to leave him. I worried that he would die, and that we would be separated forever. Well, whatever. I went home and unfortunately for me I arrived when all of my  friends were leaving. I found myself in the exact same place that I was at school—alone. I felt pretty depressed, all I wanted to do was talk to Matt. I was jealous that he was busy and I was not. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I would sleep till 3pm and most days do nothing. I was more than ready to get the fuck out of New Jersey again. 

My sophomore year began and I was so excited. I was living in a single and Matt met me to help move my room around. He didn’t really want to help, he mostly just wanted to have sex. He actually made me feel bad about making him do so much labor because I knew what he really wanted. But I loved the guy, and my year began. I went to Spain for a week and missed out on meeting my floor and joining new clubs. That was hard because when I returned I had no new friends. While my closest buds were in singles next to me we never really talked like I imagined we would. Abby was in distress for the first two quarters over her breakup. Roslyn just seemed anti-social and/or depressed, and Tiffany was always with Nick (like every night). So there weren’t that many group hangouts or dinners. So, I spent most of my time with Matt. We had sleepovers multiple times a week and we had a great time together. It was so fun just getting to cuddle with someone for hours. We started a new routine where we’d go on these nice walks. It was nice. But he was still being weird about sex, I remember crying after being with him one time to Tiffany and Roslyn because I felt like he had pressured me or something. I tried to explain my boundaries to him but it turned into a debate about my bodily autonomy again. It was around this time that I wrote in one notebook that I felt “diluted, and had given too much of myself”, but of course these were just passing thoughts and most of my time was consumed with being in blissful innocent love. Some weird things happened too. When I was very drunk one night laying on the floor, Matt pulled my pants down and began eating me out. I told him to stop and I think someone walked into my room. There were other times when I would test him and pretend to sleep, he would still continue to fuck me anyway until I told him to stop. This continued and at one point I expressed that I didn’t know if I was what he wanted. He assured me that I was. That year was out first serious relationship talk, and it was a lot of me trying to validate my feelings. We hadn’t been going on as many dates anymore, which I wasn’t against because I don’t need a nice dinner to feel appreciated but I still missed him putting in effort to make me feel special. 

Towards the end of the year Tiffany took us to her Ventura house. We got really drunk, and Matt told me about his sexual fantasies. Apparently he would go online and pretend to be some female anime character and talk to people online. He said he hasn’t done it in a while though. Then on his computer I asked him to show me the porn he liked. This was one of the times (other than learning about his Dad) that I felt like he was opening up. But, the porn he watched was shitty. Really fake. We tried fucking while watching it but I just felt like I was being used by a sex toy. One night I was so drunk and apparently I said to him “please don’t have sex with me” which he told me the next day. He said of course he wouldn’t do something like that. At this point our sex life was getting weird, we had begun falling into this routine. He’d use the vibrator on me and just hold it there, it became boring. He wouldn’t talk dirty and when we did have really rough sex sometimes it became way too much. One time he made me cry it was so intense (this year). Our sex dropped off, we didn’t fuck at Mammoth, we didn’t fuck over Easter. Meanwhile I was still having panic attacks, being anxious and a bit suicidal. 

That summer we were both taking classes. It was hard to see each other but we made it work. However, it started to become boring to hang out together. We had good conversation about what he liked. We watched new shows, and cooked. Went to the occasional party. But something was getting weird. I felt like I was never really spending time with him. Our sleepovers dropped off. Cuddling sort of stopped too. He was always saying he was ready to go home and just seemed like he didn’t want to spend that much time with me. I mentioned this and he said everything was fine. Then on my birthday something happened, and I don’t completely remember it because I was so drunk. But we went to my room to have sex, I started to get tired and tried to sleep and I’m pretty sure he just tried to have sex with me anyway. We went through two weird drunk breakups where he said he didn’t think we would be together forever. I immediately thought to kill myself. He immediately apologized and we made up. The rest of the summer continued. We went camping which was fun, but only fucked once (couldn’t finish). I took mushrooms for the first time and it was nice. He got annoyed with my when I asked for too many things, like can I have the milk, and the eggs. That was probably a bit princessy of me. But hey. We went to his grandfather’s celebration. We went to nocturnal, and I said that I felt like he was going to break up with me after (it was the last thing we planned together). My mom asked if I would want to fly him home with me and I said no, part of me knew I think. We went to nocturnal, he was there for me when I got really anxious I told him how lucky I felt to be with him. 

The school year began, it was nice to have school again. I was excited. September happened and then around Abby’s birthday we were both drunk. He admitted he didn’t think we would have a family together, and broke up with me. It was a long weird conversation, I told him I didn’t want that. He didn’t either fully. He texted me the next day, we hung out. He came over drunk and slept on my couch with me. We reconciled three days later. The rest of the month I was on edge. I didn’t know if he really wanted to be with me and I couldn’t really trust him. He told me to trust him because “that’s obviously what i wanted” but he gave me no reason to trust him. I kept calling when I was drunk and alone talking about suicide. During our breakup I started cutting myself. He just told me “don’t do that,” he said we would talk about ways to help me but he never brought it up. We were barely having sex at this point and I told him when we reconciled that things would be different. We would each make a list about what we wanted, go on more dates etc. However, he never made the list, we went on one date  that I planned (like usual). I asked why we didn’t and he said “maybe we just don’t want to” all the signs were there but I loved this guy. This was my little Matt, the guy whose tiny butt I loved. The guy who made me laugh, the guy who was my best friend. On November 6th, I talked to him saying I wanted to have sex this week (something you shouldn’t really have to plan). He said that he hasn’t really wanted to have sex with me recently. This was something we had discussed previously, and I said is it just with me? Or everyone. And he said that he would maybe want to have sex with other people. It wasn’t that he didn’t find me attractive he just didn’t know. I asked if we should breakup? He said he didn’t know. He never knew. Never knew why he was feeling that way, never knew how to fix his feelings. I said, well, we don’t have to make a decision right now. And he agreed. Part of him was scared to say it. 

But then, I sat there. I looked at him, and I listened to my inner voice. I had a surge of power. There was something within me and it just screamed “you deserve better.” It felt wrong to feel, I thought, “but I love him.” But part of me knew that the love had changed. I had become dependent on him for my emotional wellbeing, I felt alone even in a relationship. I felt terrible about myself. He wasn’t helping me, he was hurting me. His indecision killed me. It gave me hope that things would turn the other way. But they weren’t because he stopped trying and kept me at bay in this limbo. So finally I said:

“I deserve better. I’m done trying, I want to breakup, if you truly want to be with me you’ll make that happen.”

To which he hesitated and said “well maybe, but you’re right. I think you said what I was to afraid to say”

We probably said some other things, we said I love you,  I went back to my studio. Then my heart started pounding and something inside me said GO BACK. So I waited 15, and speed walked back to him. I sat down and said “hi” it was still so weird, so I wasn’t super upset because I couldn’t really believe everything. I’m sure I was holding back some tears though. I said:

“I  feel weird about what just happened, I don’t think I should go back on what I decided but I don’t think either of us wanted to break up” and he agreed. So we started calling it a break, I said I wanted to actually not see him because our last breakup was ineffective considering we still saw and talked to each other.

The next day we met to give each other’s stuff back, I looked damn good. I saw him and we talked, we both said we had written our feelings. He said his could turn into a research paper. He said “it’s ok”, and I said “no it’s not” to which he asked me why. I forget what I said, we mostly talked about logistics. he told me to not be afraid to contact him as I am still his friend, but I said that I can’t do that right now. What was I supposed to say? “Hi I’m really sad about you”? NO. He agreed that could be weird, I told him to text me. He said he didn’t have much to say (haha, we dated for 1 1/2 years you’ve got SOMETHING TO SAY). He tried to buy me candy to bribe me, but i had no appetite. We began parting ways, he said he loved me. That was one month ago to this day. 

For some reason writing all of my feelings really helps me process them. Now, there are countless little details that could be added to this, but in my mind a lot of the bad really sticks out to me. God I miss him, but I don’t miss what we had last month. I miss the love we had right when we first met. We were devoted to each other problems and all. I don’t know if I wore him down with my anxiety or he just stopped being into me. But I do know that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. He really played with my heart due to his inability to process his feelings. He was probably feeling weird about the relationship for a long time, but never really thought it through enough to come to a conclusion. 

Regardless, let me tell you how I’m feeling now. Firstly, breakups suck. They hurt like a motherfucker. To be honest my life has been pretty chill up until this point so this is by far the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I have never felt so sad. But, that sadness is lifting and GIRL it’s lifting faster than I thought. Whenever you ask someone about a breakup you just wanna know “HOW LONG AM I GONNA FEEL LIKE THIS” I have a feeling I’m still gonna be dealing with this for at least half a year, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be miserable, or not date anyone else. I’m just gonna have to do A LOT of processing.

When this first happened all I wanted to do was text this motherfucker. He told my friend that he was doing good after out breakup because there was less drama. Drunk me found this out, called this boy, cursed him out. Then I got suicidal and he told me he needed to go to bed and that I wasn’t actually going to kill myself. Talked to the suicide hotline and called the next day to apologize for cursing. I let him know that my talk with my mom about getting help went well, he said he was glad. Later in the month he invited me to his house for thanksgiving which I declined (my og plan was to go to his place, and he thought I would be alone). But since then we haven’t talked. It’s hard because I talked to him everyday for like 2 years. It’s hard to not see him, because I miss our friendship. I felt like he was the closest friend I had ever made, and the reason I burdened him with my anxiety was because I didn’t want to open up to anyone else about my issues. 

But now, I feel free! When this breakup started I felt trapped and lonely because I hadn’t processed the weight and damage of this relationship. Now, I don’t have to worry about this boy stressing me, worrying about if I’m making him happy—I can just make myself happy. I no longer have to try in a one sided thing, I can get a tight ass, good skin, and meet new people. I’m doing so much better because I’ve let the bad emotions in, and have been letting go of the guilt that I felt for the failure of my relationship. I hate knowing that we failed, he was such an integral part of me—but that was the problem. I stopped doing everything I liked when I dated him, stopped listening to the music I liked, cared less about makeup, went shopping less. Things that I thought were good because I felt maybe I was maturing. But the things I like aren’t bad, and it makes no sense that I stopped doing them. Recently, I’ve been connecting more with estranged friends, working out and seeing the world as brand freaking new. I’ve been dancing, and just finding happiness in things that I thought were bad. I thought my friends here were bad, but to be honest I placed so much importance and value on my ex that I thought no one was as interesting as him. But bitch...that isn’t true at all! Sure there are a few friends here that I am excited to leave behind, but the majority of my friends here are kind people who truly care about me. That’s something I didn’t realize and I am happy to discover. I’m also discovering myself. I lost myself somewhere along this relationship and I lost hold of what I want from my life. I’ve been working on my goals and improving myself. 

I’m just one month out, although I haven’t really cried too much about my ex recently, I still feel down. And I’m sure that my healing will go up and down and up and down. It’s hard to feel good when you know bad is coming, but I’m trying to embrace all of the positivity and dedicate my energy to me, great friends and an interesting life. Love is great, and I really miss it. But I know that my ex was not right for me, and I deserve so much more. I hope reading this has helped you reflect on your own experience. I also wanted to share a resource that really has helped me: breakuprecoveryguide.com. They helped me so much and have a great guide for what to do following a breakup. The most important being “no contact” which you can learn about on their site. 

I mostly write this blog for myself so if you’ve made it this far, wow! Thank you, I hope I helped you in some way. 

[biofunmy]

Tales From the Teenage Cancel Culture

1.

A few weeks ago, Neelam, a high school senior, was sitting in class at her Catholic school in Chicago. After her teacher left the room, a classmate began playing “Bump N’ Grind,” an R. Kelly song.

Neelam, 17, had recently watched the documentary series “Surviving R. Kelly” with her mother. She said it had been “emotional to take in as a black woman.”

Neelam asked the boy and his cluster of friends to stop playing the track, but he shrugged off the request. “‘It’s just a song,’” she said he replied. “‘We understand he’s in jail and known for being a pedophile, but I still like his music.’”

She was appalled. They were in a class about social justice. They had spent the afternoon talking about Catholicism, the common good and morality. The song continued to play.

That classmate, who is white, had done things in the past that Neelam described as problematic, like casually using racist slurs — not name-calling — among friends. After class, she decided he was “canceled,” at least to her.

Her decision didn’t stay private; she told a friend that week that she had canceled him. She told her mother too. She said that this meant she would avoid speaking or engaging with him in the future, that she didn’t care to hear what he had to say, because he wouldn’t change his mind and was beyond reason.

“When it comes to cancel culture, it’s a way to take away someone’s power and call out the individual for being problematic in a situation,” Neelam said. “I don’t think it’s being sensitive. I think it’s just having a sense of being observant and aware of what’s going on around you.”

2.

The term “canceled” “sort of spawned from YouTube,” said Ben, a high school junior in Providence, R.I. (Because of their age and the situations involved, The New York Times has granted partial anonymity to some people. We have confirmed details with parents or schoolmates.)

He talked about the YouTuber James Charles, who was canceled by the platform’s beauty community in May after some drama with his mentor, Tati Westbrook, also a YouTuber, and a vitamin entrepreneur. That was a big cancellation, widely covered, that helped popularize the term. Teenagers often bring it up.

Ben, 17, said that people should be held accountable for their actions, whether they’re famous or not, but that canceling someone “takes away the option for them to learn from their mistakes and kind of alienates them.”

His school doesn’t have much bullying, he said, and the word carries a gentler meaning in its hallways, used in passing to tease friends. Often, the joke extends beyond people. One week, after students were debating the safety of e-cigarettes and vaping, some declared that Juul was canceled.

[Here’s what Barack Obama has to say about cancel culture.]

3.

It took some time for L to understand that she had been canceled. She was 15 and had just returned to a school she used to attend. “All the friends I had previously had through middle school completely cut me off,” she said. “Ignored me, blocked me on everything, would not look at me.”

Months went by. Toward the end of sophomore year, she reached out over Instagram to a former friend, asking why people were not talking to her. It was lunchtime; the person she asked was sitting in the cafeteria with lots of people and so they all piled on. It was like an avalanche, L said.

Within a few minutes she got a torrent of direct messages from the former friend on Instagram, relaying what they had said. One said she was a mooch. One said she was annoying and petty. One person said that she had ruined her self-esteem. Another said that L was an emotional leech who was thirsty for validation.

“This put me in a situation where I thought I had done all these things,” L said. “I was bad. I deserved what was happening.”

Two years have passed since then. “You can do something stupid when you’re 15, say one thing and 10 years later that shapes how people perceive you,” she said. “We all do cringey things and make dumb mistakes and whatever. But social media’s existence has brought that into a place where people can take something you did back then and make it who you are now.”

In her junior year, L said, things got better. Still, that rush of messages and that social isolation have left a lasting impact. “I’m very prone to questioning everything I do,” she said. “‘Is this annoying someone?’ ‘Is this upsetting someone?’”

“I have issues with trusting perfectly normal things,” she said. “That sense of me being some sort of monster, terrible person, burden to everyone, has stayed with me to some extent. There’s still this sort of lingering sense of: What if I am?”

4.

Alex is 17, and she hears the word “canceled” every day at her high school outside Atlanta. It can be a joke, but it can also suggest that an offending person won’t be tolerated again. Alex thinks of it as a permanent label. “Now they’ll forever be thought of as that action, not for the person they are,” she said.

“It’s not like you’ll sit away from them at lunch or something,” she said. “It’s just a lingering thought in the back of your mind, a negative connotation.”

During a mock trial practice a couple of weeks before a big competition, the song “Act Up” by City Girls was playing. One of Alex’s teammates, who is of Indian descent, rapped along with the lyrics, which include a racist slur.

The students, who until that point had been chatty because their teacher wasn’t in the room, went silent. “I was the only black person in the room,” Alex said.

Alex and another friend on the team explained to their teammate why he shouldn’t have used that word. “We’re a team, so we can’t have tension exist there,” she said.

He said he understood why they were uncomfortable but that it wouldn’t necessarily prevent him from using it again when singing along. He wouldn’t take it back.

“You’re canceled, sis,” her friend told the teammate. It was partially to lighten the mood, but also partly serious.

“It’s a joke, but still, we understand you have that opinion now and we’re not going to get closer,” Alex said.

Despite his initial tough stance, the teammate didn’t rap the word again, and Alex said that he had remained respectful during practice. The team took ninth and 11th place at the competition.

5.

It was orientation day for freshmen at Sarah Lawrence College, where one new student was unnerved by a social justice group’s presentation. The presenters discussed pronoun use and called on the entering freshmen to “‘battle heteronormativity and cisgender language,’” the student said.

Even if you accidentally misgendered someone, the new students were told, you needed to be either called out or called in. (“Called in” means to be gently led to understand your error; call-outs are more aggressive.) The presenters emphasized that the impact on the person who was misgendered was what mattered, regardless of the intent of the person who had misgendered them.

The freshman thought back to a time when her father had misgendered a friend of hers. Her father had asked her to apologize on his behalf. She did. “‘I only get mad when people intentionally try to misgender me because they feel like they have to correct who I am,’” she recalled her friend saying.

Sarah Lawrence has fewer than 1,500 undergraduates. One upperclassman she became friends with said that she had been canceled in her own freshman year.

But, this upperclassman said, the politics enforced through cancellation don’t always fit neatly into the social dynamics of college.

“I think where it loses me, we’re taking these systems that are applying huge abstract ideas of identity’s role and we’re shrinking it into these interpersonal, one-on-one, liberal arts things,” the upperclassman said.

Among the upperclassman’s friend group now, the idea of cancellation is “basically a joke.” Too many people had been canceled. At a recent party the upperclassman had attended, one guy said, “‘If you haven’t been canceled, you’re canceled.’”

6.

One night during Mike’s freshman year at a New York state college, he and a group of friends were headed to a party downtown. As they were waiting for their Uber, someone cracked a political joke, and then the casual conversation turned confrontational. One of Mike’s friends asked his roommate, D, if he was a Trump supporter.

D had a history of making the group uncomfortable. Mike and their mutual friend Phoebe said that he would made sexist, homophobic and racist remarks in past hangouts.

D said he did support the president — an anomaly in their liberal friend group — and “blew up” at the friend who asked the question. When the friend tried to change the subject, he became more upset. Mike stepped between the two to defuse the situation. “He got in my friend’s face, and that was the last straw,” Mike said.

He tried to cool D down; it didn’t work. D called Mike a homophobic slur, multiple times. The group split up. Mike didn’t return to his dorm that night, staying at a friend’s place instead.

“Even before this, we could tell, if I weren’t roommates with him, we wouldn’t have been friends,” Mike said. “So that was the breaking point for me, him saying that when I was sticking up for him.”

D left an apology note on Mike’s desk, which mostly tried to “justify his actions,” Mike said. “That set in my mind that he didn’t really feel bad about what he did,” he said. “He just felt bad for himself, that he would be looked at in a different light.”

A couple of days later, Phoebe, Mike and D sat down and D repeated the apology. Phoebe and Mike heard him out but said it didn’t clear him of wrongdoing and that he would have to demonstrate that he was different now. Both said that while D appeared sad about losing his friends, tearing up during their discussion, he didn’t show remorse.

Other friends didn’t accept the apology. “We wouldn’t tolerate it anymore, we cut him out of our lives,” Phoebe said.

Thus canceled, D moved from sadness to frustration and anger, Phoebe said. He grew “very bitter,” Phoebe said. She noticed that he had unfollowed and blocked the group on Snapchat and other social media a few weeks later.

“He did feel bullied by this whole canceled idea,” she said. “But in this case, no one felt bad doing it, because he didn’t really take responsibility for a lot of the things he said.”

Mike, though, still lives with D. He had signed on to live with him before the ordeal. They don’t speak. D has stopped acknowledging Mike and most everyone from their old group. “I’m definitely not living with him next year,” Mike said.

Phoebe managed to keep things civil. “Every time we see him, I still say hi,” she said. Sometimes, but not always, he nods or says hi back.

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[kaitlinrock-blog]

Coming Out: An Ordinary Story

I saw a video the other day that made me reflect on a few of my life experiences.  National Coming Out day was last week and it made me think back on my coming out experience with my friends and family.  I saw a lot of videos with experiences of positivity, love and acceptance which is beautiful and inspiring for those who have yet to take the leap of freedom.  Let me say that once you take that leap, you are completely liberated. It is a freedom I can never accurately transcribe. It’s as if a cage in my heart has been open for who I was meant to be to run out.  Although for me, it was not all rainbows and butterflies.  For me, it was a lot of pain and self-doubt.  Let me start by saying I knew that I was gay when I was 13 years old, the eighth grade. I knew because I used to dress myself for school every single morning with intention of getting a female classmate to notice me.  And when she didn’t notice me, I would feel this hurt and anger.  On top of those emotions, I had all this confusion as to why I felt this way.  I mean, I had maybe two or three boyfriends in middle school but it was for the most part a cover up.  High school however, is a completely different story.  Once I stepped foot into high school, everything changed. Everybody knew I liked girls, even with my constant denial.  Some embraced it, most just poked fun at it.  On top of all of that, my mother works at that high school so I was also trying to hide it from her too.  I knew I had liked girls, but I didn’t necessarily want to.  This was very confusing to me and something that continued to affect my life into my early twenty’s.  I did not want to be gay, but I was just as I am today.  I couldn’t embrace my full self until I was ready to. But anyways, back to freshman year. What a year indeed.  I met two of my best friends, I met my first love, I had my first heartbreak and my first taste of being a somewhat unclosetted lesbian. This is the journey I went on to figure out who I am today.  It’s ugly, truthful and completely ordinary, but it shaped me into what I believe to be a pretty decent, kind, and strong human being. I hope my story can show you that no matter what is thrown your way, you can always find the silver lining.  Enjoy my chaos.

 Let’s start in July of 2007.  I was 14 years old and just starting pre-season training for the basketball team.  Some of the girls from my school were picked to practice early with the squad including girls from the rival middle school.  One of the girls my age had been a longtime rival.  You know, the 5th grade rival team/school scenario.  The girl you never even had a conversation with but you knew you hated her.  Typical teen stuff.  Any who this girl and I started talking and realizing we got along really well.  She has similar goals as me and I thought to myself gosh I can’t believe we hated each other all this time.  This girl ended up standing up for herself to a group of typical catty brats and they retaliated by circle jumping her with 20 kids at a football game.  I remember running straight into that pit with one of our team mates shoving these kids left and right like they’re football dummies, grabbing her hand and pulling her out while our team mate told them just how cowardly they are.  We got into the bathroom and that was the first out of three times I have ever seen my best friend cry, but in that second, I knew her and I were going to be close.  She didn’t care that the “popular” kids would come at her, she did what she thought was right and I admired her for that.  Plus, I was super limited in the friends’ department so take it when you can get it right? In all seriousness a few months later Linsi was the first person I ever told I liked girls and she accepted me whole heartedly and didn’t bat an eye.  Obviously, she had known, but it felt good to get it off my chest to someone other than a journal.  In the spring of that year, I met my first love and my second-best friend.  I was a water girl for the football team (remember how I said I was short in the friends department, now you know why) and I was working a practice with the athletic trainer and a new girl that had just joined the unit, team, water girl squad? She was a freshman on the varsity soccer team who had went to my middle school.  I used to see her in the hallways with her boyfriend.  She always looked so confident, and sure of herself as if her future was already written on the walls before her.  When she introduced herself to me and told me she didn’t recognize me from middle school I just about fell over.  I was crushed and I felt so stupid but, I just kept the conversation going because I could not believe this beautiful, smart, talented girl was even looking my way let alone having this whole conversation with me. We spent that afternoon together and she asked for my number which of course I had written down on a piece of paper 2 hours before she even asked me for it.  When she texted me that night, my whole world lit up.  I remember not even two weeks went by of talking and hanging out and I said to Linsi that I think I love her.  Linsi told me I was being dumb, which is something she still tells me to this day if the situation calls for it, but I knew in my heart it was true. This girl was spectacular.  She was the first person that helped me love my body and who I was. She was one of the first people to really believe in me and who I was as a person.  Which anyone close to me knows, in those early years, that was extremely hard for me. I opened myself up to her and ways I never thought I could, emotionally of course.  Of course, all things come to an end and we had a falling out that went wrong and me being completely emotionally confused and I unstable I clung to her which didn’t help the situation whatsoever leading into, my first heartbreak.  In that midst of all that sappy stuff I met the second best friend in the spring. Linsi and I played flag football in the off season because who doesn’t love to play football?  On our team was a transfer student from a private school who just started that year.  She was a skater who listened to hard core rock and roll and totally dressed to match the description.  Ripped jeans, vans, a beanie, I’m talking the whole nine yards but this girl had a presence to her.  A presence that radiated to everyone around her making them feel important and accepted. Because that’s exactly what it was with her, important and accepted.  If you were her friend, that was it, you were taken care of because loyalty goes a long way, it still does.  Arielle taught me that I could be comfortable in my own shoes and that who I was, was an important, accepted person.  Something I would take with me on the day I did come out to my parents.  I remember ending freshman year with an unanswered feeling.  Like something was waiting for me still and I just couldn’t figure out what.  Sophomore year held that answer.

 Sophomore year was not quite so bad as freshman year but, it certainly had its struggles.  I had friends that I loved and that supported me back but I also had people in my life trying to tear me down.  I wouldn’t say I had bullies in high school but I most certainly went through a fair amount of bullying.  From this year to my senior year there was one girl who just wouldn’t quit it no matter how much time went on.  I was constantly being made fun of or picked on because they all knew about me and my soccer chick (we had a class together so started talking again and I went to the soccer games) so I was easy picking.  There were times when this person’s words would get and I would be really upset about it because it was obviously true.  But luckily, they were simply words.  Words can only hurt you as much as you allow them so over time, I learned to ignore the words but in the beginning, I had my fair share of cries. I remember once that girl came onto the team I felt awkward in the locker room because she would always make comments about me.  I would run straight back into the stalls, change and then run straight out into the gym. And once she started, others would laugh and join in which is just humiliating because all you can do is laugh, or cry.  So, I would laugh along awkwardly and then cry later.  None of these girls realized what they were doing because they were just being mean teenagers.  Boca kids have a certain evil naivety to them meaning they just have no idea how awful of people they are since it’s the norm here. My first love and I made amends again and were on and off again and I tried to tell her I loved her maybe a dozen times this year but I could never bring myself to do it.  I knew she didn’t love me back and I just couldn’t bear to not hear them back so finally, at the conclusion of this year, I tried to make peace with our situation and let her go.  I did, to a certain extent.  I would still text her whenever I had an excuse to but I knew she’d never truly want me the way I wanted her although, she gave me a very special birthday that year. We watched the sunrise on the beach and went to this adorable café.  She left for California the next day and by the time she got back, I was old news. Heartbroken by the same person two years in a row.  But heartache is good for the soul.  It reminds you that you’re human and capable of emotions and feelings.  It’s a beautiful pain of life.  At the end of sophomore year, I was even more confused than when I started and the only thing I really cared about was making the varsity teams.  That summer I got a job and the water park with Linsi as a life guard which was definitely interesting.  I got drunk for the first time and I’m talking like black out drunk.  Everyone has to embarrass themselves at some point, right?  Well, that summer was my summer of embarrassment.  It wasn’t all bad though because I also got my license and get to start sneaking out with my new gay friends.  Most of my school friends knew since I had that annoying peanut gallery of a team mate constantly announcing to the world that I like girls so I started finding other outed girls too.  A lot of them played soccer oddly enough.  I’m talking like most of the lesbians in our school were on that soccer team.  But I was cool with that because it was an excuse to see you know who.  Junior year was one for the books by far though.

 After a summer of sneaking out and getting into trouble, I really needed to buckle down and focus on college and graduating and that kind of stuff.  But I found it so hard to try and plan for a future that I couldn’t predict.  I knew I wanted to do something important but I had no idea what.  Which lead to rebelling and more sneaking out and partying.  I used to babysit and get off at 12 but tell my mom I wasn’t off until 3 so I could get drunk with my friends.  This was also the first year I tried to come out to my parents.  I remember it was one day after basketball practice, I was standing in my mom’s room thinking about how to say it while she’s rambling on about some assignment I didn’t do when finally, it just came out.  I said to her “I think I like girls”.  She stopped what she was saying, put down what was in her hands and just looked at me for a minute.  Now for those of you that don’t know my mother, it is a horrible sign when she gets quiet.  It means she is not happy.  After what seemed like a lifetime she said “No you’re not.  You think I wouldn’t have known that you were? You didn’t display any of the signs” My response to her was reminding her how up until 7th grade I dressed like a boy.  I’m pretty sure that 75% of my sixth-grade wardrobe was a Carmelo Anthony jersey and matching shorts.  I knew she was in denial but it didn’t hurt any less.  I was defeated and on top of that she says to the dogs “Cover up girls Kaitlin’s gay now she might check you out.”.  I knew she didn’t mean it at the time but it crushed me.  For 2 weeks straight, I worked up the courage to tell my mom that I was gay and she flat out rejected it and proceeded to throw that in my face.  It was the absolute worse feeling ever and of course only led to even more sneaking out because I was just so angry with her and my dad.  I couldn’t stand to be in a place that rejected who I was.  All I have ever wanted in my life to this day, is to make my parents proud of who I am as a person.  To have that ripped from you and thrown into your face, really hurts. I didn’t try again for another few years but luckily, I had my friends to help me through that.  Even soccer girl was sympathetic since she knew my mom better than anyone. My mom’s a tough lady and she only wants what is best for my brother and I and in hindsight, I think she was trying to protect myself and her too. It couldn’t have been easy to be her because I’m sure she heard the rumors and I’m sure she was hurt that I kept it from her for so long but after her initial reaction, I couldn’t bear to try again.  So, I didn’t.  The rest of this year was a weird one, I had run into some health issues and was in and out of the hospital which was not fun.  I had a very sensitive period where my blood sugar would drop randomly causing my blood pressure to plummet with it and since I didn’t know what was happening, I would trigger anxiety attacks on top of that.  I had 2 surgeries, numerous tests and a 4-day hospital stay with a nice bill to go along with it.  But at the end of that year, I had met another group of people that would change my life.  

The summer between my junior and senior year were a big transition period for me.  I had met a group of older people through my summer job and Linsi and I took them very quickly.  They were FAU students with their own apartment and we loved hanging out with them. It was our little escape from our nightmare of high school.  These were the friends who really brought me out of my shell and threw me head first into the world.  They didn’t care what I liked or did they support me for exactly who I was.  They didn’t feed off my anger or my frustration, they helped calm it.  On one of the worst weeks of my life, these kids took me in and help me deal with the issue at hand involving my family which is a difficult subject to maneuver. Every family has its issues and nobody is perfect but something about my family is just extra sensitive.  Maybe it’s the Italian who knows but when we fight, we really fight.  Once I met this group I knew it was all going to be good.  I had Linsi, Arielle, and my group and senior year was a breeze.

 I’d go on and tell you about senior year but it was mostly just happiness.  A few years later when I was 19 I came out to my parents again.  They weren’t accepting yet, but they were okay with it.  There was no negative response, no denial just okay. It took them a couple years to fully accept me for being gay but they got there none the less.  It wasn’t easy, nor was it pretty and to this day sometimes I feel like they still think I may end up with a man.  I know who I am though and I am perfectly happy with that. It took pain, and sorrow to get here but I got here, just like my parents did.  I guess the point to this novel is no matter what life throws at you, don’t ever let it get you down.  People will push you as hard as they can but you have to push back.  No matter who you are, you are worthy.  Know your worth and never let anyone take it from you.  It’s not an easy task to love yourself but we must.  You are the only thing you have in this world start to finish so be sure to put you first.  Don’t be afraid to let it out and be who you were meant to be because honey who you are meant to be is beautiful.  I hope my story shows you that not all the stories on the internet are sunshine and rainbows and that’s okay because sometimes you have to create your sunshine. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up rather than tear you down.  Find friends who will value you and empower you to be the best version of yourself.  Those are the kind of people that will carry you when your weak and pick you up from your hardest falls.  It’s okay to cry and it's okay to feel lost.  What’s lost can always be found and tears will always dry.  But, we are only here for a short while so please, make sure while you are here, you’re being you, to the best of your ability and there is always a silver lining.  You just have to find it.

[zenithjournal-blog]

7.17.17 / 8

So… it’s been a while. It’s 1:24 am right now. Yeah, yikes. I just spent literally 45 minutes or more searching for the goddamn email to this account because I couldn’t remember it aghhhhh that was annoying. But don’t worry, I’m learning from my mistakes and I’m writing all my emails and accounts down now lol.

I should’ve kept this going. I wish I would’ve documented my senior year which was basically the fucking point of this blog to help me gather my thoughts and memories through such a crazy time. And it was crazy. Good, bad, ugly, and very ugly. I have some good memories and I’ve done things this year that I’m not proud of and I never thought I’d do. I wish I could erase some things but that’s the tricky thing about time. It’s linear right now in this tiny, human, 2017 perspective and I can’t change it. All I can do is learn, grow as a person, and move on I suppose.

I’m gonna do a review of everything I can remember of the highlights. Starting off with my teachers: I ended up really disliking Mr. and Mrs. D by the end of the year. Mrs. D gave me hell this year, partly my fault but unnecessary grief on her part. At least I got Hamlet and Siddhartha from Mr. D and I wrote a 10 pg paper about parallel universes that I’m very proud of. Nonetheless both their classes were struggles. I liked Latin a lot in the beginning and Mr. Du of course but honestly I kind of dreaded the class being the only senior. It was kind of pointless at the end besides the credit. I did get some useful knowledge out of it honestly, so it wasn’t a waste I guess. Bio was great I looked forward to the class pretty much every day. Mrs. A was such a sweetheart, so caring and funny and smart I loved having her and being able to have a chill class during the day. She made me feel comfortable enough to talk during class and ask questions, something I never really did during high school. I’ll definitely miss her. I weaseled my way into Mr. F’s class somehow and I had Liz so I didn’t wanna die as much as I expected to lol. Art class was kind of up and down. Ms. C filled in for Mrs. S for a few months and I grew to really like her and was sad to see her go. I wasn’t really looking forward to Mrs. S coming back to be honest because of how strict she can be with some things but she is really a nice teacher and she likes me a lot. She encouraged me and complimented my art work a ton throughout the year and I’m really grateful for that. I entered my self portrait into scholastics and I won the gold key award!!!! I’m proud of myself and Mom and Dad and Grandma and Papa and Mrs. C of course were thrilled and were all there to support me that day. Mrs. W was suuuuch a sweetheart, I really loved her this year. I’ve never been able to say I liked math class, liked my math teacher, and most unexpectedly- understood the math I was being taught. She really did make such a difference for me this year I’m so so so grateful I got her this year she was so understanding of my vertigo and helped me make up all my assignments and stand up to guidance when they gave me trouble. I’ll miss her a lot and won’t forget her impact.

So in the beginning of the year I was dealing with all the stupid drama with “O”. I’m mad at myself for acting the way I do when I’m in situations where I don’t want to talk to people anymore, I don’t know why I can’t just be up front. I really hope I can work like that because it really ate at me the way I treated her. She was making me uncomfortable and it was a sketchy situation but no one deserves to be treated like that and I need to fix that about myself. But that ended around the end of November when I finally started to post on social media again. I hung out with Timmy, Kate, and Laura practically all the time in the beginning of the year. We had Laura’s birthday party in November which was fun. However, September through about December was kind of a blur. I lost my drive to seek out spirituality and was disconnected from positivity. I was focused on bad decisions involving substances that I never thought I would go near. It was honestly a pretty dark time. I was depressed and looking back I’m just disappointed in myself. I lost sight of things that were important and healthy. It did continue on for a few months but I’ll get to that.

Halloween was probably the first instance since the summer when I realized the friendship between me and Laura faltering. In the summer she was going through one of the worst times in her life and I completely understand that. But she pushed me away and didn’t listen to me and she pulled some shitty stuff over me that I never thought someone would do to me, especially her. I was hurt. Then when the really bad stuff happened to her I sucked it up and I was there for her because being there when she needed support was more important than whatever I was feeling. So we were on good terms again but it was different. On Halloween when she was just being weird about our costumes was when I felt that tear again. It sounds dramatic but I don’t know how to describe it, that’s just what I felt. Then things kind of went smoothly between us for a while.

Christmas came around and I had a really nice holiday. I don’t think there was any fights and I just had a fun time. I took Timmy to the Christmas party and it may have been later that night or the next day I went to my first house party. It didn’t last that long but yeah. Then on New Years Eve I went to my first REAL party at the same place, it was crazy. I really did have a lot of fun and I danced the whole night. But enough of that, onto other stuff. In January I turned 18. I didn’t have a huge party or anything but I hung out with my family and I went to a couple places with Timmy that night. Trump got placed into presidency officially so that was pretty depressing obviously. I had the scholastics awards later that month and unfortunately more bad stuff happened with Timmy. It was a rough time, I just want the best for him.

I drew a lot in February and took a lot of cute pictures. I was getting back into a positive mindset and I was happier this month. I started watching Koi again. Spirit week for my senior year actually went well. I participated and took pictures every day, can you imagine? Tell that to freshman year Carina and she’ll laugh in your face. I was in the art banner group so I contributed something and it felt nice to say that for once. I went out of my comfort zone, even if it was just a little and dressed up each day. I cheered on gym day with Timmy and we won! I felt included for once.

March was another pretty good month, I was still pretty positive and getting back into a spiritual mindset. I forgot to mention earlier about going to clay- the best thing ever! Me and Liz really reconnected this year and we went to clay pretty regularly since about October til it ended and I really really enjoyed it. I picked up throwing and I was pretty decent at it. I went a lot during March and made a lot of pottery. It was my happy place and I’m really glad I had a positive space for myself to express myself and hang out. The whole St. Patty’s day parade fiasco happened. This is when I started feeling disconnected from Laura again.

In April it pretty much continued from March, clay, koi, and pretty good vibes. It was a really art based month and so was May. I drew another yoongi portrait which turned out to be my bed art piece yet. I’m still extremely proud of it. I love drawing him so much. When I realized I wasn’t going to get into temple I shifted my focus into CHC. I visited it and pretty much forced myself into thinking it was right for me. I was wrong, but we’ll get to that.

A few days after that I went on the art club trip to the Barnes foundation which was so freaking fun!!!! The art was so pretty and I had such a nice time I loved it so much. May was like the month of flowers for me lol. I ran the art show again and had a great time setting up and showing off my art. I was positive and surrounded my self with spirituality. I started watching Dakota and Claire who I really connect with. I’m glad I found these beautiful souls.

To side track: Laura started basically just ignoring me for weeks at a time around these months for a reason I still don’t know. I don’t know if I did something or if she was going through something… I was upset about it regardless. I felt like I was losing my best friend and I didn’t know why. I still don’t. After everything we’ve been through I don’t want to lose her. I love her as a friend and I just don’t know what changed in a year. I’ll get back to this.

June snuck up on me FAST. This was it. 16 days and I was done with high school. Shitty freshman year, rollercoaster sophomore year, blurry junior year, and my indescribable senior year. It was all coming to a close. The trip to Hershey was a blast, I had a lot of fun and I was dead by the end of the day. I hung out with Timmy for the day because Laura and Kate didn’t show up. This was when things were still super weird between me and Laura. We were talking but it was just weird.

My last week of high school finals came. I studied kind of lol but kind of not but passed everything nonetheless. I said goodbye to the teachers that I’d miss and that was it. I’m getting a little emotional writing this now. All the graduation and class day practices came which was a blur. Some of my last moments with my class. Baccalaureate happened and Laura actually came to dinner with my family and I after. It seemed actually normal for a second. Then came class day. I walked with Timmy and I felt pretty in my dress. I got loads of pictures with my friends and I got to talk to Rachel quite a bit. I really do love her, she was my first friend and is still one of the kindest people I know. Jenn sent me a graduation gift around this time filled with Mexican candy, a lovely letter, and a beautiful necklace. I don’t know what I did to deserve her honestly she is so kind and positive and I’m so grateful to have met her.

Graduation day. I made my cap an hour before heading to the school, I might as well be rushing for the last school event. We loaded the buses and headed to the high school. While waiting in the line I got to see Mr. H. I got to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and he said the same and told me to keep in touch. I should’ve emailed him but I feel weird to do it now considering what I’ll get to in a bit. We walked past everyone and walked into the gym. I found my family while walking to my seat and tried not to get emotional. The ceremony was honestly a blur. I got my diploma and soon the hats were thrown. I turned right for my family and they were so proud. I gave lots of hugs took lots of pics and soon the night was over. That’s it. High school is done. It didn’t really hit me until a week or two later. This chapter is closed.

Then summer started a few weeks ago. Things were the weirdest they’ve been between me Timmy, Kate, and Laura. It was like we split in half, we just weren’t talking and they’d ignore us. Me and timmy didn’t and still don’t know why. Eventually we hung out but it was still just super fucking weird. We hung out 3 times this summer, it’s just not what I pictured it to be.

Speaking of that. College. So no surprise my anxiety got the best of me. Sort of. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with the thought of leaving from the money situation, me having no life skills, being away from my family, having a stranger for a roommate, having a public bathroom, not being able to make my schedule- I just blew up a week ago today. I cried by myself, hyperventilating and just full on panic attack on the guest bed. I couldn’t do it. The next day I broke down in front of my mom. She got of the phone about financial aid and I just crumbled I was a sobbing mess on the kitchen table and just let it all out for once and I told her what I was feeling. This morning it was brought up again. Tomorrow I was supposed to go for my orientation day but I just broke down again when my mom brought it up and then she broke down. I felt guilty honestly. I don’t want to disappoint my parents but I want to lead my life the way I want it to go. My dad came in and I just broke down a slobbering mess again and told them everything. He took it well and agreed that I shouldn’t rush into everything. I don’t know why I let things bottle up. I don’t know why I expect him to take everything badly when he’s so understanding and so is my mom. I love them so much I’m crying. They always support me and I’m so grateful for them I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much. I don’t know what I’d do without my parents they’re my rock. I’m crying in the bathroom right now it’s 2:56am and I’m trying so hard to see to type.

Okay I’m trying to calm down. This is so raw. I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions and this is the first time I’m really just letting myself express them and just cry?? Like not over a stupid tv show but actually cry about things happening in my life and letting my parents see and help me through my problems. I think this is good. I’m confused about my life right now and what decisions to make but I think my soul is trying to guide me in the right direction and I’m trying to be more free and trust in my gut and stand up for what I want to do. Honestly, at this point I don’t want to go to college at all. I’m in a mindset that I’ve never been in before where I just want to live a free-spirited, happy, lowkey, spiritual life. I don’t want money, or status, or a huge job or house or any of the material stuff that used to cloud my brain. I just want peace in my lifetime. I want to fill my soul with spiritual happiness. However I can’t just abandon my parents hopes completely. They’re already so fucking understanding of how I feel about letting me take off a year and figure things out. I guess I’ll at least give college a chance but I just want to go to community college or something. I don’t want a fancy life or wealth or whatever. I know they want what they think is best for me which is college and a good paying job and a husband and a white picket fence but that’s just not me. I know they only want the best I do. And I know they’re gonna think they’re failures if I turn out otherwise because my mom already blames herself and it is tearing me up inside that she thinks that but it’s not anything to be ashamed of for me to want something different than the herd of society and I just want them to see that. I want a simple life where I can just make enough to get by and be happy and comfortable with what I’m doing and travel the world and who knows if I’ll get a house or kids or even a spouse. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I just want them to be happy for me and accept my decisions and lifestyle and not think that they’ve done a bad job as parents because of how I am. As much as I feel their support right now I feel pressured to be someone I don’t want to be at the same time.

I don’t know. I’ll probably continue that talk some other time when I father more thoughts but I feel overwhelmed again and my chest is tight and I just need to breathe. I’ll be okay. That’s enough of that.

Ok.

This is so fucking long lol but what do you expect for not writing for a year Carina? So to wrap things up: this year was insane. I probably missed a lot of stuff. I’m dealing with future plans right now. I really hope I can work things out with Laura, I talked to her a bit tonight and told her about what I just talked about so that’s progress I guess? I built a better relationship with my parents this year and it’s only growing stronger. I want to work on stuff with my brother too because I’ve been the worst sister to him and he doesn’t deserve that. I need to treat people in my life better and I’m working on that. I’m in a wild emotional state and I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying to get myself to read more so I can read spiritual books and educate myself. It’s just been so hard to read lately? I don’t know why. I want to surround myself with positivity from here on out. Quit bad habits. Be around positive people or at least positive voices. I just want to be happy for once. This can be my chance to turn myself around. I hope it works out.