#and so like long story short i went on my first date ever in April and we were talking and stuff but i was so busy this summer due to camp

[stateswscarlet]

I just want to share my story because those people are doing dumb shit to "get their SP".

HOW I GOT MY SP IN 1 DAY (and 5 years)

Long story short, in 2018 I had a breakup that led me to find about the Law blahblahblah same story as most people, who find out about the Law because of a SP.

I did all the possible things during the years "magic", subliminals, water methods, whisper methods, you name it, I have done it.

It all started with the law of attraction, the secret etc you know the drill. Then I found out about Neville and it started clicking more but I was still doing dumb shit like trying to stalk (lol) or text my SP (we didnt really speak so it is kinda 5y of no contact) . I had success in other areas but obviously I was desperate about this guy, putting him on some damn pedestal like he so special lol.

I dated other people meantime and was bending them to my will more or less which greatly improved my self concept. Y'all can say whatever you want but SC is the most important and you have to face it sooner or later. Although I was thinking somewhat highly of myself, I could still find myself occasionally checking that SPs social medias and somehow I still believed he is so special and unique and on some pedestal above me lol

Fast forward to the end of 2022 when I checked his IG for the last time and I caught myself thinking that lowkey he got uglier than before lol and I didn't even know why I even liked him in the first place lol You can see how my state has switched.

Anyways April 2023 came, I have manifested many great things but I could feel myself doubt some things still. So I went into this meditative state and asked myself what do I need to get in my 3D in order to really remove this doubt, what was the most ridiculous seemingly "impossible" thing I can ask for and then the thought came- to get a text from this SP, honestly that just made me laugh a little bit, remembering I have tried for years with all these absurd methods you can find online lol please note that we didn't even live in the same country at that time , so I just laughed a bit and let it go

8hours later he texted me, less than 24h later we met, the rest is history

It turned out that at least 5 times during that 5 years we were at the same city at the same time in different countries around the world, so I was very close to manifesting him during that time but my SC and putting him on the pedestal got in the way

Also in 2019, I said to myself if I couldn't get him I want somebody just like him and guess what a week later I meet a guy who's basically his twin, they looked the same like down to the height and the cologne they were using (they were from different countries so they were not related lol) we dated for a short while but my SC of desperation got in the way yet again

So what is there to learn from my story, first and foremost don't try to mess with the 3D like never ever, don't even think about sending a text or stalking or worse (looking at you wedding venue lady lol)

Work on your self concept, let your desperation go please it doesn't help you in any shape or form

Take that person off the damn pedestal, he ain't that special sis trust me , there are a million guys like him

Your manifestation is closer than you could ever imagine, there are many things that happen behind the scenes so just let it go and enjoy the ride

Don't stop living because of some guy plz lol

Look back and see what you can learn from your experience, everything you see around you is just a mirror of your inner world

Your whole world can change within a day or less <3

ty for sharing!! so proud of youuu <33

[myonmukyuu]

Art Summary: 2022

It's that time of year again! This makes my 9th year of art summaries... Kind of insane to think about.

It's been a very eventful year and I have a lot to say. Extended art performance review under the cut 👌 (3k words lmao)

Previous: 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021

ABOUT THE COMIC:

So! What happened this year? Well, my book happened. I'm not sure if anything else happened ahfhasjkdkasf

See, I actually cheated this art summary a tiny bit. Usually I use the upload date of the art to place it in the summary. But if I did that for this year, there would be at least 4 blank spots. That's why February, April and May all feature different pages of the same comic (CH 9).

I really did spend the first half of the year finishing my comic. I only released 2 chapters too (the finale and the epilogue). In March I took a week and a half off to work on a short for Ayumu's birthday, but otherwise slaved all the way until June for the webcomic.

Then I spent July and August doing all of the redrawing and edits required for a physical release. Those who have a copy of my book might already know but the first two chapters have been redrawn. I also had to go through the entire comic, fixing it so that it could actually be printed (because the webcomic version definitely can't be printed as it is.) It was super time-consuming. Like, I can't even begin to describe. Moving forward I'll try to draw every comic so that it's printable from the beginning so I don't have to deal with reformatting ever again...

I'm pretty sure it was in August that I had the first copy of the book done. Then the preordering period opened in Septemeber... and now we're here! People are just now starting to receive their books. Sorry it took so long guys ;w;

I'm very happy though... Depending on who you ask, 100 sales might not be a lot, but it's a lot to me. To think that so many people would spend the money to buy this kind of product is just so surprising to me... It's expensive and all of the content is already available to read for free!!! So it's really surprising and I'm so incredibly grateful. That's why I went through the trouble of creating that golden special print for everyone! It was quite a bit of money out of my pocket, but I really wanted to show my appreciation.

As a side note, the 100 sales were really exhausting to pack. My body was sore in November because of it LMAO

So I'd say this year was great for my comic! Both its webcomic finale and its physical release. But this summary isn't meant to be about my comic, it's supposed to be about my art and me as an artist.

ABOUT MY ART:

So how did my art go this year?

Looking back I feel nothing but exhaustion. I know I'm happy to have my comic released but, my body and mind is still very very tired. I feel like I took at least 2-3 weeks off or more from work throughout the year to keep the comic on track. It's just a huge undertaking.

What I'm getting at is I feel a tired and... a little disappointed. But don't get me wrong, I don't feel regret! It's just that... well every artist draws for their own reasons. For me, I love getting my ideas and stories out there. So I guess I felt creatively-starved spending about half a year polishing and releasing an already-complete product. Also technically starved - you don't really see much improvement if all you're doing is cleaning up art. I didn't really have a lot of time to draw because of the physical release so I often felt like I wasn't doing enough.

And honestly that's my main sentiment. While I feel happy and satisfied with releasing the book, another part of me feels like she didn't do enough.

In terms of technical skill, I definitely saw improvement this year. It's like something clicked in me and I had a better understanding of atmospheric lighting. CH 9 and the epilogue are probably some of my favourite bits of colouring I've ever done. I just love how it turned out. In CH 9, the gradual setting of the sun to create this orange/pink/purple colour palette was so fun to implement. And in the Epilogue, this blue/green/yellow rainy day came out perfectly. It was a rainy day, but unlike CH 7, it wasn't a dreary downpour but something more hopeful instead. I have a love for creating atmosphere and especially through colour. And I think I did well there.

In the realm of black/white, I also feel lots of improvement! I'm becoming more confident with monochrome and am starting to push it further. I'm not satisfied with my skill level, but I think it's promising. I may be more confident with creating tone through colour, but I'm sure I can do the same without it!

This year I also did quite a bit of painting. I really love how the October and November artworks came out. Honestly it was around this point in the year, I had the most time to output works as the only comic work I had to do was purely admin (until I started packaging things in November). I could go into technical depth, but this post is long enough. Just know that I'm happy with the little leaps my colouring skills made.

GOALS FOR 2022:

For my art summaries, I've been doing a performance review styled thing where I create goals for the upcoming year. Let's take a look at what goals I wrote for 2022 and how I went with them.

“I want to finish my comic series”

Passed with flying colours! I think the comic release was a success. This goal is a little cheap of a goal though, since I don't think I'd let myself live it down if I gave up.

“I also want to continue to try things that are outside of my comfort zone. I want to see myself try things like different angles/perspectives and more complex backgrounds.”

Now this goal... I think I made progress here. I'm not sure if people noticed but I did definitely try to slip in different angles here and there. I'm particularly good at them... but I'm trying! And I think that's the least I can do. You won't get good at something if you don't try after all. That being said, I should push backgrounds more... I rarely do them 😅

"I want to do more illustrations/quick drawings on top of my comic work."

My comic work was suffocating a lot of the time. But I did try to draw on top of it. I haven't really talked about it, nor shown anyone, but I started learning copic markers this year (borrowed my friend's set!). So in the background I've been doing 30-60 minute traditional art exercises. I'm not terribly diligent, but diligent enough that I already think it's made an impact on my art. See, I'm only doing monochrome copic markers (I'm not confident enough to do colour just yet). I'm pretty sure doing monochrome markers has helped me with my manga skills 😂. I have a better understanding of tones and values because of it! Isn't that kind of amazing? Come to think of it, it's linked to the next goals.

"I want to learn to paint."

"I want to learn to draw faster."

While I still have a long way to go, somehow my marker exercises have helped me with these too. The understanding of tones/values has made an impact on coloured work and painting as well. And because I'm doing shorter pieces, my speed has increased a tiny bit. I'm sure if I keep at it, I can continue to develop better habits!

"I want to draft more quickly and be smarter about it."

Now this goal is something I have just been trying to mentally direct myself to. It's working... a little bit. I still need to try harder.

See, I think my drafting process is really slow and inefficient. This results in me spending too much time drawing a comic because I've drafted like 5 extraneous pages. If I wanna increase my output and lower my workload, I have to learn to be more clever with how I compose each page. I think I got a tiny bit better. Need to work harder on that for sure (it's quite hard to just "learn" though...)

MOVING FORWARD:

With the past year in mind, how do I want 2023 to go? To be honest, I still feel so exhausted because of 2022, I definitely need some time to recover, so let's not go too crazy next year.

But before I create my next goals, I wanted to talk about where I want to go in general - the grand scheme of things. Like I mentioned, I feel a lot of disappointment, like I wasn't doing enough. Which is contradictory because I also feel like I did too much with how exhausted I am... But the source of that disappointment is really tied in with how I feel about my art skill on a technical level.

I'm nearing a whole decade of hobby artist experience. And I don't feel like my art shows it. While there are things that I am better at, there's so much that I struggle with.

I want to become better. I want to improve.

It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not doing the best I can for the stories I want to tell if I don't keep pushing and learning. And I love what I make, so I want to do those stories justice.

So it's really important to me that I keep trying to improve.

In the long term, I think my dream is to be like a pro-manga artist. Please don't make fun of me LMFAO. But there's more to it. See, I don't actually want to be a pro artist. I never want to compromise my creative vision for the sake of pandering to an audience. I sincerely think I wouldn't be able to succeed without doing that so I'm content with drawing as a hobby. A programmer as my day job and a manga artist by night...

I want to be as skilled as a pro some day though.

To be honest, I think the distance is so great that it's basically impossible. So my true goal is a little lower than that.

My true long-term goal is to be... a little comparable to a pro.

And I don't think I'm at that point. And I don't want to use "being a hobbyist" as an excuse to allow myself to remain like this.

I think it's terrifying actually. Where I'm at with my art.

I'm really happy people enjoy it, and don't get me wrong - I love my own work. I love drawing. But I think it's important to be critical of it - if I want to be able to reach my goals.

I think if people read this far, they might be thinking something like "but you're already so good!" or something to that effect. But I don't think it's true.

I think it's terrifying because there's so much I'm not good at. Comics are scary because they're an amalgamation of so many different skillsets. I possess some of these skills but there's just so many different ways that I feel that I'm lacking.

For instance, my art itself has such stiff lines. I'm not great at perspective. My art isn't dynamic. And this is just a few examples of stuff related to my illustration skills.

But comics are more than that.

There's the individual panel compositions that come together to create a unifying page composition. The visual flow - controlling how the reader scans the page. The storytelling skills - pacing, dialogue, story beats. The dialogue writing skills. The typesetting.

I think there's so many places I'm weak with and it's scary because it's difficult to just pick something to improve at when it feels like everything is wrong at once. It's so easy for me to pick up some manga from a shelf, flick through and think "this artist does x better than me, how can I learn from them?" but learning is hard and I'm not good at it so I'm just stuck with this awareness that I could be better.

But at the end of the day, I just have to pick a direction and go, right? I think that's all I can do and that's okay. It's just hard to shake the feeling of drowning in my own mediocrity.

Sorry I didn't mean to bring down the mood of this art summary.

I promise that at the end of the day that I love drawing. This is just my overly-critical side shining through. I don't have too much natural talent, just a very stubborn mind. I kind of need to be critical so I can push myself in the right direction. And I'm fairly happy with the way I've been pushing myself through these past years.

I'm not particularly fussed if my works receive a lot of traction or not because what's most important to me is the way I see my own work. My personal satisfaction.

And that's just tied with doing the best I can!

So with that in mind...

GOALS FOR 2023:

"Improve at atmospheric lighting"

This isn't particularly ambitious because it's something I'm already working on, but I know I can push lighting even further. So expect to see me experimenting more and more!

"Participate in a paid online course"

Now this is linked to my wall of text just now. I feel very overwhelmed so I think having an unbiased and experienced teacher's guidance could be valuable. I'm eyeing ones that include personalised feedback. The only concern is that it's hard to find the time for things like this when I work full-time.

Also it's a bit scary having a professional roast me, but I think it'd be good for me.

"Continue to practise traditionally"

This is linked to all of my technical art gripes. I think continuing to do traditional art exercises will help me with a lot of my weak points.

"Continue to be ambitious with art"

I don't mean ambition on a work-load level, but I want to continue to push out of my comfort-zone. Keep trying those weird angles and backgrounds, be more experimental!

"Start planning that next story"

I always have a billion different story ideas in my back pocket that I am itching to tell. I also don't wanna die of overwork though. So lets keep the bar low.

I have many great ideas, so I want to start outlining the next one! This is just a vague goal to remind myself to keep thinking ahead.

"Rest up."

I think this is the most important goal. Like I said I feel completely and utterly exhausted this year.

So I want Myon in 2023 to have more time for herself. Improve her health, catch up with her relationships, spend more time watching movies and playing video games.

Don't work too hard next year.

EXTRA REFLECTION:

I seriously don't know if anyone actually reads these reflections. I wonder what kind of person I come off across... (probably a try-hard 😂)

I wanted to talk about one more thing. It's not really linked to goals, just the future in general.

So I've been drawing for Nijigasaki for 2 years now. I think a lot of people are moving on from it though.

To be honest, I think that's okay. I'm kind of used to the people around me shifting into new interests. I think I'll still be with Niji for a long time to come. I just have a lot of large scale ideas and will probably stick with them unless something sweeps me off my feet.

I mean, even if my ideas take too long to actualise while I'm interested in Niji, I'm also open to converting things into original content. There are just so many stories to tell...

It makes me wonder why my readers enjoy my work and how they interact with it? Are people a fan of me? The ship/characters/fandom? Or the stories?

Probably some mix of the above. It's not terribly important why though.

I'm sorry that I'm not very good at keeping up with everyone's interests. I think the world moves too quickly and I draw too slow and I can barely keep up. But I'm a bit too stubborn with my own desires so I keep working on my own things without another thought. So maybe that apology is a bit empty eheh

But I hope people will continue to enjoy the stories that I make.

I should be less harsh on myself though. 9 years of art isn't something to just shrug off.

Anyways, before I keep rambling. Happy new year everyone. Let's keep working hard in 2023!

[summmeister]

Who is Skweeb?

While I have told bits of pieces of the story when people have asked, I've never put together the full story into an easily accessible post like this. This should give people an idea of exactly who and what Skweeb is, for those who might not have stuck around with me for long enough to know through experience.

Skweeb is the character I often use the represent myself online. He's a short, plump red demon/imp with spikes on the side of his head, ears on top, and two large black eyes connecting to his mouth, which has two prominent fangs. He has mitten hands, stumpy, boot-like feet and a black tail.

Skweeb is an interesting character. Dating back to his origins around the first half of October 2021, I created him with no intention to become a proper character. He had no name, looked very primitive, and featured alongside two other demons, that I'd also later redraw and expand with proper names. His creation was an accident!

The drawing initially didn't gain much traction. I went on to work on my next drawing unaware that he'd very quickly become who I use to represent myself with online. If the drawing didn't do well, why would I pivot back towards the character?

The reason is that this unnamed, throwaway character got me my first ever piece of fan art, from one of my good friends!

Seeing this, I worked towards making Skweeb into a full character, starting with the name. Where does the name come from? quite frankly, I'm not sure myself. It's simply something I thought of randomly while looking at the character. It could have possibly come from the game Bugsnax, as one of the characters often calls the main character a "Squeeb" during the earlier parts of gameplay, although I admit that's a random guess. I'm really not sure!

Other runner up names included Prud, Mal and Fom.

After the inital outburst of love for the character, I quickly started on developing him out more. Over the next few months, Skweeb's legs would be made longer, he'd gain a much more pronounced belly, and an overall more "rounded" design. By april of the next year, most of these changes has been made, and Skweeb looks a lot more like what he looks like now!

It's only been just over a year since the character's creation, but I am so, so happy that I managed to settle on someone to represent myself with online. In 2021 I was going through an odd "Identity crisis" regarding how I presented myself online. Up to this point, I had been using Jack Frost from Shin Megami Tensei as my "sona" of sorts, but considering he wasn't something original I came up with, it always bothered me. Skweeb changed that.

While I do use Skweeb as the character to represent me online, there is one thing I want to specify. He's not me. He's a character I made, and use to represent myself, but he's not a personified version of myself. He's different in key aspects, such as various parts of his personality. I like the 'lil guy I've created, but he's not a representation of myself in an OC.

And thus concludes the story of how this duder went from a throwaway halloween imp to demon at the forefront. I hope you enjoyed! I'd been putting off telling this story for so long because, really, I'm just lazy. With the addition of this to my Tumblr posts, I hope to get these out a lot more quickly, I still have ideas.

Bada bing bada fuckyou bai

[deadlyflames]

Swanfire Month Day 13: What made you start to ship Swanfire?

Short Story: 

Over 10 years ago, I started writing this fic based on the Baelfire = Henry’s Dad theory after the Return came out. This was way before Tallahassee aired, so we didn’t know anything about Neal.

I would scour old episodes for hints about Henry’s dad and obsessively rewatch Baelfire’s scenes. I got so invested coming up with head-cannon's on how these guys got together that it was impossible for me not to ship it.

I was like 15 when I wrote this fic, and looking back on it now, it’s super cringy and not well written. There's a lot I would do differently now, but for something I wrote as a teenager, I guess it could be worse.

But I’m still proud of 15 year old me for being one of the first Swanfire shippers.

( Neal C./Baelfire and Emma fanfiction sorted by publish date.)

Anyway, even though a lot of my theories were off, I’ve been on this ship ever since.

Long Story under the cut:

Strap in, this is a long explanation featuring a lot of my past tinfoil hatting.

Late April ish - early May ish 2012: I can't quite remember

So I was really hung up on Rumbelle way back when, after ‘Skin Deep’ came out.

I can’t remember the name (and I cant freaking find it!), but I remember reading a Rumbelle fic that mentioned Henry spilling hot chocolate on Mr. Gold’s suit or something. And the narration made an off hand comment that Mr. Gold was more lenient with Henry because he had similar coloring to Bae (dark hair, brown eyes).

And that one little statement made my mind go wild.

This was right after ‘The Return’ aired. We knew Baelfire went to a land without magic and we knew Mr. Gold made the curse to look for him, so it was likely he was going to feature in the future somehow.

Ouat: 1x19

We also knew Henry had a mystery father. We knew he was probably alive given how Emma talked about him. And we knew he didn’t know that Henry existed.

Ouat : 1x01

"And the father?"

"There was one."

"Do I need to be worried about him?"

"No. He doesn’t even know."

Ouat: 1x09

“Henry’s father was no hero. And trust me, he does not need to know the real story.”

We also know he’s probably got the brown hair and brown eyes (dominant genes) that Henry inherited, since Emma has blonde hair and green eyes (recessive genes).

So we’ve got the son of a major character. The reason that this big curse was created and the reason Rumplestilskin manipulates everyone around him. Currently MIA.

And we’ve got Henry’s mystery dad. Emma’s past love interest who did something bad to her and the betrayal cut her deep. Also MIA.

And we know both these characters have brown hair and brown eyes.

So I put on my tinfoil hat and made a whole damn fic about how these two guys could possibly be the same person.

Truth or Lie: published May 28th, 2012

So at this point, there are a few people that were believing the Henry’s Dad=Bae conspiracy, but it wasn’t a super common theory from what I remember. I remember seeing a few posts about it and there were at least these three fics that came out before mine that featured it.

(As far as I remember, Happily ever after by Earthia was the first fic that featured Bae as Henry's dad. (And it was published right after the Return came out too, like damn. they were on the ball)

I went through all the season 1 episodes and came up with all these head-cannons. And when you spend so much time on something you get pretty emotionally attached to the idea.

I remember scrambling to think of a reason how Baelfire left the Enchanted forest 300 years prior and was still alive in the real world. I mean, Rumplestilskin thought he was alive, given how he thought Bae was August. My mental explanation was that, as Rumple said, the bean made him cross the barriers of Time and Space.

Ouat: 1x19

Turned out to be wrong but whatever.

I thought Henry’s dad was the married guy Emma kept mentioning. She seemed pretty forlorn about it, she mentioned that the married guy she dated wouldn’t tell her his real name and she hadn’t known he was married until later. Figured it was a big enough thing that it would explain her anger towards him and the fact that she never told him about Henry

Ouat: 1x05

"You're smart, you know not to get involved with a married guy. It's not worth the heartache. Trust me."

Ouat: 1x14

"See, I have a policy. I won't go out with guys who won't tell me their names. I find it weeds out the ones who like to keep secrets. Like their already married or they store body parts in their freezer."

That also turned out to be wrong.

I thought maybe they had known each other in the foster system. Considering they were both orphans, both abandoned. I thought it would be cute if they knew each other growing up.

Ouat: 1x09

"I spent a lot of time with kids in your situation."

Also wrong. Though I think this was a missed opportunity but whatever.

I noticed the swan pendant that Emma always wore and I thought maybe it was a gift that Baelfire gave her. I even put it in my fic.

Ouat: 1x09

That actually turned out to be right. Yay.

Ouat: 2x06

And I also thought Baelfire was the person August called in the beginning of the Return. I thought they were somehow working together to get Emma to break the curse. Seemed like a reasonable-ish explanation on how he knew about the dagger.

ouat: 1x19

This was probably wrong? Did we ever find out who August was talking to?

September 30th, 2012: When the first episode of season 2 came out, I was utterly convinced this random guy in New York was Bae.

Ouat 2x01:

Truth or Lie: chapter 16: published Oct 2, 2012

November 4th, 2012: When Tallahassee aired and I realized how off I had been I was a bit frustrated by that XD

Truth or Lie: chapter 23: published November 11th, 2012

After that, even though I turned out to be wrong on most of the details of the Swanfire love story, I was still on the Neal = Baelfire ship and still shipping them like crazy. And after Manhattan came out, I was absolutely ecstatic.

Nearly a decade later, I've really grown to prefer the canon story. I love the chemistry and relationship between Emma and Neal in Tallahassee. Two homeless kids finding home in each other. Meet-cute via robbery. That’s damn beautiful.

I also loved the extra stuff that happened in Bae's past (the Darlings, Hook, Neverland, growing up in our world as a thief). It adds a lot of intrigue to his character, even though a lot of it wasn’t explored to its full potential.

So that’s my very long explanation of how I got obsessed with this ship and then never got off of it.

[randomisemily]

So, I’m a new mom.

Writing this on this blog, I can’t believe it. But this blog has been my rant blog for years and years. And it still is. Even when years have passed, crazy.

So yes, new mom. My baby girl is three weeks old tomorrow. And the reason I need to rant is because of my issues with breastfeeding.

My breastfeeding journey is short. But I love long stories, so I’ll start with the baby making process. No, it’s not that kind of blog. I mean, the journey. Because that was, in fact, quite a journey as well.

Before Covid, my husband and I got engaged. We were ready for marriage and after that, kids. I’m not “traditional” in the sense that I needed to be married before getting kids, it just made more sense to me. Practically, I wanted a typical big wedding and I knew I didn’t have planning skills (etc…) to put together a wedding while having a baby already. So, wedding first. Then babies!

We set the date in August 2020. But yes, Covid came along and yes, we had to postpone, at least, the party. We did actually get married that day. With 14 people in total to witness it.

We needed to wait to throw the party until the end of september 2021. Baby fever, however, did not wait.

The wedding finally happened and I threw out birth control as fast as I could. I even went to the doctor for a check up, right before the wedding. Forget getting my nails done, what’s up with my uterus?!

Trying to conceive, I quickly learned, is a whole thing in itself. Tracking your cycle. Finding your ovulation. And so forth. But I did it. And came to the conclusion: this is hard! I quickly became obsessed with my ovulation and trying to figure out the timing. After a few months of obsessively trying to conceive, I really felt like something was off. My cycle. What a long cycle did I have. For people who don’t know, on average a cycle is 28 days. Mine was often 35 days or longer. WEIRD.

Fast forward a few months and in April-May of 2022, I needed to put a hold on conceiving because of gall bladder surgery. I had known about this surgery since February, so it didn’t make sense for me to try and conceive for a few months. Bummer!

After the surgery, I went to see my OBGYN. It was about damn time there was a baby in my belly, I figured.

PCOS. That is what I have. And that’s why I couldn’t conceive. I was heartbroken. Sure, it wasn’t severe. But the future was so uncertain. Will I ever be a mom?! (If you read the first line of this long ass rant, you’ll know that I will).

There was a solution, however. Pills and check-up. It’s really not hard, if I look back at it. It’s not IVF, or anything. But oh god, it was still really tough. You take the pills. You wait. You go for check-ups, get your blood drawn, get the results and you have intercourse whenever THEY say you should. And then… you wait once more. Ha, what a joy. So, first cycle, nothing. Not even an egg growing. No ovulation. Just hormones all over the place. 2nd cycle: yes, I ovulated! No baby. Third cycle: A BABY!!! A red line appeared on my (many many many) tests!

What a relief. What a miracle. Incoming: baby on the way at the end of May! (Actually, she came on the first of June)

My pregnancy was smooth AF. First trimester was mostly me, a zombie. Wanting to sleep all day. Barely ever getting sick. One time, I was sick. And I also got the flu. That is all. In fact, I went on a trip to Madrid while 8 weeks pregnant. Had lots of fun and barely any symptoms.

My bump started to grow around 20 weeks. I was so exicted, yet also very insecure. What if people thought I couldn’t poop? That’s what the tiny bump looked like. I felt pregnant. I had been feeling kicks for a few weeks. But I didn’t look pregnant.

But that’s okay because the bump came around and I enjoyed every day. Even the days with heartburn. And even the ones where I felt like I couldn’t put shoes on anymore or shave my legs (and other parts).

If someone were to ask me to do it all over again, I would. It was wonderful.

I was a week late when I gave birth and I thought I’d get induced. In fact, me and my husband were SURE. So sure that we booked a table at the restaurant we went for dinner to celebrate me being pregnant. Yeahhh, we had to cancel, of course. Stupid us. Labor was fine. Painful. Traumatic. And all that. But fine. I mean, I ended up with a baby. Puked three times and fainted on the toilet seat. But I got a baby!!!!

AND HERE COMES THE BREAST FEEDING PART

So, I had always expressed wanting to breast feed. I don’t know, seems like the normal thing to do. Nine months, my baby had been eating what I was eating. I thought I wanted to continue. And create that bond.

From the start, though, it was painful. My nipples were bleeding. And by the time I left the hospital, I was almost scared to let my baby near my boobs. Here is the thing: I was informed. Breastfeeding didn’t have secrets for me. So I thought. Nobody tells you that your 3 day old baby can cause blood gushing from your nipples. A midwife told me: “you think she has teeth, right?” Jokingly, ha ha ha. Yes, she seems to be a vampire. That’s for sure.

The first day home, she didn’t want to eat. The 7 AM feedtime turned into the 1 PM feed time. The hours in between, screaming and crying. And not just her.

With a lot of help from my midwife, she finally had her breakfast and lunch. And we found a solution for the pain, as well as why she wouldn’t want to eat, etc.

The weekend came around and the midwife weighed my baby. She gained weight! Yaay!

Come Tuesday, she had lost a massive amount of weight. I was in shock. What the actual???

Breastfeeding hadn’t been going great. She wasn’t the best at it, I wasn’t the best at it. But it had been going, you know? Yet, she didn’t gain weight. She dropped weight. My tiny baby was losing weight and she didn’t have a cute thick belly but you could see her ribs. Man, I cried.

The next few days were terrifying. We decided to add formula to her feeding schedule, so she’d gain the weight. And she finally did. But the breastfeeding was getting tougher and tougher. At a certain point, I breast fed her for 20+ minutes, my husband gave her a bottle and while he was doing that, I was pumping. That whole ordeal took 45+ minutes and we had to do it all over again every two hours. My husband felt like a washing machine, I felt like a milk cow.

The pumping wasn’t working and my husband had to go back to work so we switched to the combo of breast/formula at the beginning of this week.

Yet, soon enough, she wouldn’t drink anymore. Was I afraid she’d lose the weight again? No, we had formula now. But God, I was TIRED.

And so was my body. I needed to give it a rest. I realized I barely make enough milk for her to get fed once a day. And she needs it 8 times a day.

I am heartbroken and releived at the same time. I needed to learn how to enjoy my baby without the dread of feeding time. And I have. I love her so much. But man, the mom guilt is real. The fact she doesn’t get to taste the food I eat every day. The fact I can’t give her what she needs now that she’s not inside me anymore. It could eat me up. But, I’m writing it off. She’s thriving on formula. Her belly is full every day. And she’s happy. I’m letting it go.

And I can’t wait to tell her how her first three weeks of her life were like. 🥰

The truth about breastfeeding is, it’s hard. It can be wonderful. I wholeheartly believe that. I do. I always will. But for me, it just wasn’t. I now feed her in a lot less time and, after she’s fed, she sleeps on my belly or in my arms. I don’t know if I’d trade anymore.

I was so informed and had so much help. Which I am so grateful for. But no one prepared me for when breastfeeding just doesn’t work.

You know, come to think of it. The same thing goes for trying to conceive. I was informed and knew all about my cycle. When to try. How to try. But at the end of the day, no one informed me about the devestation of when it doesn’t work.

I guess this is just a rant. But listen, if someone does read this: it’s all worth it. Trying to conceive. Worth it. Pregnancy and labor: worth it. And yes, breastfeeding was worth it as well. If I wouldn’t have tried…. I wouldn’t have known.

And at the end of the day, I love her so much.

[neversee]

Dramas I watched March & April 2023

Post for the first 2 months of the year here

I think march and april I watched a lot of new dramas, but I rewatched some too. Let’s start:

1) Moonlight Chiken

The story is about the owner and workers of the restaurant ‘Moonligh Chiken’, mainly the owner, uncle Jim, and his nephew Li Ming. It starts when a guy got drunk and slept in the pub and Uncle Jim ends up babysitting him. Basically they have a "one night stand" and end up starting a relationship, initially just as "friends" but not so much. We also follow the story of Li Ming, who, after a "misunderstanding", ends up going to work at Heart's house, a deaf young man.

I really liked the story, it's much more serious than all the ones I've watched so far, and it's also very cinematic. I marathoned the drama as I always do, but I think watching it little by little ends up being the best option, because it gives  time to absorb everything that happens in the story. I loved the caracthers, I found really funny the way Wen just fell in love with Uncle Jim so fast, and how he was desperate to be with him. And the couple Li Ming and Heart that were really adorable.

Where to watch it: Youtube.

2) All the Liquors

It's a light-hearted drama about a marketing employee for a beverage company who has to work with a chef who hates alcohol. It’s very nice to watch, nothing really surprising happens here. The episodes are like 15 min long.

Where to watch it: Viki.

3) Our Dating Sim

This one was a surprise, I didn't think I was going to enjoy it as much as I did. It’s a web drama, very short, and korean. And we know that korean BL aren’t as good as the thailand ones, but I don’t know what happened in Korea, because the ones that are released in 2023 are AMAZING.

I LOVED this one, very cute. School friends who get separated and meet again 7 years later working at the same company. It's a second chance romance, and it's amazing. It’s almost a comfort drama, I can rewatch it and never gets boring.

Where to watch it: Viki.

4) Light on Me

I finally watched this drama, in general I found it adorable, cute, day to day school drama, friendships being made, first loves and so on. My favorite character is Noh Shinwoo(?), the dorkiest ice prince ever. I loved that the theme of the story was "courage" - courage to make friends, courage to declare your love, courage to be with the person you love. I loved. What I didn't like was that the story is completely centered on a love triangle, and it’s so focused on it that if I hadn't caught some spoilers, I wouldn't know who the protagonist would end up with, I think that until the penultimate episode it's not clear who he would choose. I understand, but I prefer it when we have already defined the couple and see their evolution. It didn't become my favorite Korean bl, but I loved it.

Where to watch it: Viki.

5) The Eclipse

I didn't even expect to watch this one. I had already tried to watch it before, but the vibe didn't get me, I thought it was too "serious" and I just wanted something light. So a few months went by and I gave it another chance, and guess what? I liked very much. The story is interesting, the actors are good, the characters are excellent. I got hooked. I loved the Akk-Aye couple, they have great chemistry and their scenes are 10/10. Anyone who likes something more dystopian will love this drama.

Where to watch it: Youtube.

6) Unintentional Love Story

Another korean BL that is amazing. It’s the most “korean standard” drama of a korean bl drama. It means that we have a story that has a lot of cliches of korean dramas, the non-BLs ones. I don’t know if other people have the same opinion as me, it’s just what I felt. The episodes are 36-40 min long, wich is very uncommon for a BL.

What the drama is about: a company employee is unfairly fired, goes on vacation in the countryside and comes across a famous craftsman who has been missing from the spotlight for 2 years, he sees this meeting as an opportunity to be rehired, and decides to approach of the guy, only obviously it turns into a romance. I loved this one, It’s a cute romance, very comfort drama.

7) Bed Friend

This one I watched 100% influenced by Tumblr, you have no idea how many  posts I saw about this drama...

The story's about two co-workers who decide to have a friends with benefits relationship. From the plot and gifs I saw, I thought it would be a fun and light story, but it's not. Our protagonist suffered a lot of abuse during his life, including sexual abuse, so the story develops around these issues. If you have any sort of triggers with that, it might be hard to watch. The romance itself is pretty cool, King and Uea as a couple are excellent, and their scenes are so hot, I found it even funny that they were exploring various facets of their sexual relationship. I watched the show on Mandee's youtube channel, but I found out on the 3rd episode that the censored versions are posted on youtube, so basically there are no sex scenes there, only the streaming version, so if you have IQiYi or alternative ways to watch, maybe it's better to watch it there.

After I finished the drama, I got an IQiYi subscription, and watch some episodes to see what was cut it out. And It’s incredible that they cut scenes that were completely normal scenes, mainly in the episode 8. Some episodes they cut like 10 minutes out of it.

Where to watch it: IQiYi, Youtube (censored version).

Dramas I started watching but didn’t finish YET:

1) Till the end of the Moon

I’m loving this one, it’s a enemys to lovers story (really enemies, the ones that try to murder each other), I watched it until episode 19, and I’m trying to watch it slowly. You can watch it on Viki or Youtube.

2) The Love You Give Me

I started this one a couple days ago, it’s in the begining yet, but I’m enjoying, it’s about a couple that got separated 5 years ago, the guy hates the girl, and the girl has a 4 years old son that we “don’t” know who is the father. It’s very light and easy watch drama. I’m watching it on Viki, but it’s on WeTv too.

Drama I REWATCHED:

1) You are my glory: I watched it in 2021, and really enjoyed. I decided to rewatch it, but I’m still  only 13 episodes in (it’s the first part of the drama), and it’s still good, there’s a lot chinese government propaganda, but I don’t really care about it.

2) My School President: I loved this drama soooo much, I can’t help rewatching. It’s still good, the songs are great, I’m probably gonna rewatch more times this year.

3) Between Us: I kinda watch it because I wanted to see how the time line BU and Until We Meet Again worked, but I can tell you that it’s like Team and Win are completly different characters on both dramas. It’s like a multiverse situation. It’s still really good, and I read the novel too, the novel is like a less dramatic version of the drama.

That’s it guys, see you in 2 months!

[wildereader]

April Wrap-Up!

This may not seem like a lot, but I REALLY focused on finishing up One Piece this month, which you will see. For right now, I’ll focus on these three books!

The Warm Hands of Ghosts by Katherine Arden is my FAVORITE book I’ve read so far this year, which I was NOT expecting from a historical fantasy set during WWI!!! I loved Arden’s Winternight Trilogy, which I read last year, so I was so excited to read her new release. Her writing is so atmospheric and enthralling, and this story about war, grief, folklore, memory, and love was absolutely everything I love in fiction. ALSO I was not expecting a beautiful queer romance from this book at ALL, but Ms. Arden surprised me in the best way with it 🥹 When this book comes out in paperback, I will definitely be getting myself a copy!

The Curious Compendium of Wonderful Words was something I found at my library and picked up on a whim and have been slowly making my way through for a couple months now, even though it’s very short. It was funny and fascinating, and my only critique is that it didn’t go into much detail about anything—just a collection of interesting facts about certain words and phrases, which was fun enough to keep me entertained while I read it. This book isn’t something you’d pick up if you want in-depth info about etymology, but it is an easy read if you just want to learn a bunch of fun facts!

And after I finished One Piece, I went back to my manga roots—volume 1 of Ouran High School Host Club 🌸💞🌹 I rewatched the anime for the first time in YEARS earlier in April, and I absolutely fell back in love with this series. I’m excited to do my first reread of the manga, especially considering it has even more story that wasn’t adapted into the anime.

Speaking of manga, though… It’s Time To Talk About One Piece

I’ve been putting my OP volume roundups under cuts in my previous wrap-up posts, but I’m FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF for catching up, so it’s going in the main post!!!! I always reserve most thoughts on a series until I’ve finished it, so I’ve been holding back my OP-inions (haha) for FIVE MONTHS….. but they’re nothing groundbreaking. I love this series. I totally understand why it makes people go so nuts, and I’m fully one of those people now. I have such withdrawal from this series since finishing it a couple weeks ago ;-; It is so wild to me how LONG this series is, how culturally impactful it’s been since its release twenty-five years ago, and how strong and unique and interesting it’s remained since it started. No, it’s not Perfect™️™️ by any means, but….. Damn. It’s good. It’s so good. And it definitely deserves all the hype it has.

Also, since it’s May 5th when I’m posting this… Happy Birthday to my Most Favorite Boy EVER MONKEY D. LUFFY!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

SOOOO I’ve definitely been putting some books off as I was focusing on finishing OP, but I’ll ease back into them as I feel like it (and as my library book due dates creep up on me). Here’s hoping May is another good reading month for me!!!

[mylifeasjazmine]

bella, where the hell you been loca?

Last year I rediscovered Tumblr and then I was on a roll, then I fell off! I’m not entirely sure how that happened but I’m back and I have a lot to say!

I’m not even sure where to start so here’s a 2023 recap;

January was calm from what I can recollect, I was still getting my autonomy back and the 31st of that month marked the one year anniversary since my accident and I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I also got a car a few days before my year anniversary which was very special to me to have been able to come full circle like that. Romantically, I didn’t have anything going on. I was going dates to fill the time but nothing serious ever evolved from any of it.

February brings me to my first trip of the year and the first time I had been able to use my flight benefits. Ashley and I took a day trip to New York and came home and drove to Miami for a day, it was quick but fun! Since I was mobile in more way than one now, I was getting back to my “old” self again. Getting dressed, hanging out with my friends.

March was nothing to write home about either. I had training for a new position at work and spent a lot of time with my niece. I can’t recall anything major happening this month either if I’m being honest. I can remember emotionally feeling a little sad because I was feeling disconnected from the world. I had gotten a little busy with work and I was becoming a little bit of a hermit crab again.

April is when the year started to pick up a little speed for me. Adel and I took a trip to Puerto Rico, it was the first time for the both of us. We had so much fun we ended up extending for another day. During this time I started to get a little into fitness and I was shedding my little hermit crab shell again. Maybe it was the braids, the tan and the warm weather, but life was feeling like life again.

May started with a bang! I went on a cruise with like 12 other family members and we had a blast. It was short but we still enjoyed ourselves. The whole month was actually pretty eventful. Allie’s surprise 30th party was that month and I also got to see Bryson Tiller live with Zamira. We sang and cried our little hearts out. Eli’s birthday is also in May so we celebrated her too. As you can see, we are well into the year and we are still batting zero in romance department, but we keep living.

June may still go down as my favorite month of the year. As soon as the month started I went to Miami with Cindy and Eli to go see Kathy before she popped out her new baby but you know we still turned it into a trip while we were out there. The week after I got back I went to Chicago with Gabby and some of the girls for her Bachelorette Trip. It wasn’t my first time in Chicago but it was the first time I spent real time there and I really enjoyed myself. When I got back from Chicago, I went to the Sorry Papi Tour with Eli and Cindy! I also had training for what would be my second promotion of the year. We also found out the gender of my brother’s newest baby, it was a boy!

July I tried to sit my ass down but I think I still had June ants in my pants. I spent 4th of July with Liz and Amanda and the kids which I love to do. I flew to Texas a few days later to spend Adel’s birthday with her. Such a cute little trip. I was trying to get back into rest mode this moth so I didn’t pop out too much after that. I remember going downtown one hot ass night with Amanda and Liz and then just spending the rest of the month in my pool trying not to die of heatstroke. I also made one year with my job, which came pretty quickly.

August is when life started to get a little interesting I think lol. This month I was feeling overwhelmed with my living situation and in that same swoop someone I know needed a dog-sitter for a few days so I packed my shit and was a dog mom for like 4 days. I won’t get into too many details but long story short, that was the last time I ever saw that person because they lied about their flight being canceled so they could stay an extra day knowing their dog was sick and I was ready to go home. That weekend was also the weekend we celebrated my Grammy’s 65th birthday. This weekend, I also started going back and forth with a handsome man that I had always been interested in back it just never seemed to happen. Before the month was over, we had hung out a few times and if I am being honest, I was feeling pretty optimistic. I blame my Sagittarius Venus for that.

September rolls around and we celebrate my godson Zavier, my niece Amaia also turned 2 this month. Not to mention, my little sister turned 18 on us! All the while, things with this handsome man seem to be working in my favor. We are spending a good amount of time together, I’m getting to know him more and I am liking what I’m seeing. At this point, the only things I’ve been up to is working, working out, spending time with my family and seeing him when I could. I think it’s important to note that neither one of us had really said anything about how we felt about the other. Everything was more of a “use your context clues” kinda vibe for a little. I also didn’t want to get ahead of myself so I was just going with the flow.

October is finally here! This is my birthday month so I knew the vibes were gonna be 1000. We kicked off the month celebrating my cousin Jazmin. We had a cousin’s night out and we had a blast. The next week was Gabby’s wedding so I traveled to the Dominican Republic for the first time. The wedding was beautiful and I cried my eyes out pretty much the whole weekend. Plus, I was the ONLY single person there. Don’t tell me I’m not one of God’s strongest soldiers because my lord lol. In between this, I am still seeing the handsome man but at this rate I have developed feelings for him and I don’t know what to do with them. So naturally, I decided to do nothing and bury them. But we were still hanging out so that was getting hard. My birthday rolls around but this year I wanted to spend it solo. So a few days before I went to dinner with some of my best friends and on the day of I just hung out with my brothers.

November hits and I’m literally catching a flight on the 1st. For my solo trip, I went to Sacramento to see my favorite artist Victoria Monet. It was an AMAZING show, I am so happy I went. While I was out there I think there was one day that I literally didn’t even speak. It was so peaceful. But it gave me time to think about some things and I felt like I was getting in over my head with the handsome man so I started to subconsciously pull back a little. When I came back from my trip, I saw him for what I didn’t know then would be the last time for 4 months. But looking back, that last time felt different. Something felt off. On the bright side, I did have training for another promotion, that makes 3 for the year. I also got to take my brother to see the Magic play at an in-season play-off game which was dope. The best thing that happened this month was rekindling my friendship with Eyad. We ran into one night out and decided to make a pact to hang out once a week and we’ve been sticking to it! He’s legitimately become one of my best friends.

December marks the end of this relatively smooth year. Christmas is my favorite holiday so the vibes were up. I hadn’t really spoken to the handsome man because I was trying to swallow those feelings I had for him. Then one day, he asks me if I listen to Christmas music and sends me a playlist. That playlist sends me into a frenzy and I can’t think straight for like 2 days. If you know me, you know how much I love music and thoughtful gifts so the me a playlist is the perfect depiction of that. It might not hold that kinda weight for everyone, and it’s probably silly, but no one has ever made me a playlist before so I was geekin’. That drove me to finally tell him how I feel about him, sort of. I told him that I like him but there’s so much more I wanted to say. He told me he liked me too but, at this point what his but was doesn’t matter because having a “but” in the first place just puts a stop to everything. What I will say is that his “but” was enough for him to just decide I need to fall back. With the tale as old as time, as I pulled away, I could feel his energy more. I tried doing on dates to distract myself but it didn’t work. The only thing that worked was time.

Fast forward to April 2024, so far I have gone on two trips and both have been with Adel. We went to New York and we just back came back from Atlanta. So far, I am on promotion number one of the year and in July I will make 2 years with my job. I have seen the handsome man again and he has sent me yet another playlist. Do I still have feelings for him? I think so, but I can’t keep driving myself crazy wondering, I have to keep on living and remember that what’s for me, will always be for me. If you made it this far, thank you for your time. This felt really good for me to release.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

MY ASL AND SHAKESPEARE CLASSES GOT CANCELLED TOMORROW SO I ONLY HAVE FICTION WRITING WHICH IS FROM 2-3:15 I’M SO HAPPY I FINALLY HAVE A BREAK AND I CAN WRITE AND MAKE UP SLEEP AND EAT A GOOD LUNCH

also i just turned my essay in :)

[exovapor]

I'm OBSESSED with your writing. Can you try.. Maybe, Donnie being a filthy boy being an 'stalker-ish' of his long time crush? Be checks their FB for new posts, saves every picture of them he finds? He doesn't mean to be a creep, feels guilty, but just doesn't know how to ask for more than friendship?

Good afternoon Anon. Here is my short story in relation to your ask.

I wasn't sure where you wanted me to take this, so I had to do a bit of guessing on my part. I hope this something like you were wanting.

I will admit that this ask was a bit of a struggle for me, not knowing a clear direction to take it outcome made me a little unsure of my writing and guessing abilities LOL. However, I will admit to crying along with the characters in this story more than once.

Thanks again for the ask and the initial compliment. I hope to continue to earn your favor in future posts.

· Stalker [noun]: 1a person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention. 2a person who hunts game stealthily.

· Donnie stared at the definition on his one of his monitor screens while his various other screens were busy flashing receipts of files downloaded, text trail streams from your phone, notices of any social media post/update/like/heart/emoji, a GPS line grid of your routes today (overlayed over the routes you’d taken previously), and data search hits of anything and everything that pertained to you.

· At this point, the boy had literally every picture you had ever posted, anywhere, of yourself. In fact, he had all the pictures that other people posted of you in them. He had even gone through the effort of designing a face recognition program that picks you out of the background of total strangers’ pictures and, yeah, he had those in a file too.

· He has special file folders that compile things that you like, things you don’t like, things that make you happy, things that make you sad. He is your own personal Pinterest and you didn’t even know it… and maybe that is the part that keeps bothering him so much.

· He sits staring at that word and definition and chewing his bottom lip. True, he knows the word and the meaning, but he needed to LOOK at it, analyze it, mull it over in his guilt ridden brain.

· He just KNEW the word Stalker couldn’t apply to him.

· After all, he isn’t harassing or persecuting you, you don’t know! So, it isn’t necessarily ‘unwanted attention’. It is just…unknown attention.

· Stealthily, hmmmm, did that part apply to him? Well, He isn’t EXACTLY being stealthy.

· If you knew about technology like him, then you would probably see his programs running on your devices and be alerted to his activities. AND, if you shared his love and view of technology, then you would probably be more understanding of his activities and not consider them stealthy…just data mining. In fact, you might applaud him.

· ‘Ok, that was taking it a bit too far’, Donnie thinks to himself and he feels a band tighten and squeeze around his infatuated heart.

· He is almost certain that you would be shocked to learn of his extra curricular activities and how they revolve around every aspect of you.

· Regardless of how he tried to spin the truth and wiggle out of the definition of stalker, Donnie still felt guilty for invading your privacy. However, he honestly couldn’t help himself…at least not anymore.

· He has fought the urge, the nagging thoughts and the burning need, to know more about you for what seemed like an eternity.

· Listen to him, he is starting to sound dramatic like Mikey! What is his turning into? He is losing his rational edge!

· To be accurate, it hasn’t been an eternity. In fact, he has known you 1 year, 36 days, 14 hours, 11 minutes, and 23 seconds to be exact. However, you started occupying space in his mind 2 minutes into meeting you and your claim over his mind has grown exponentially over time.

· You were quiet and reserved during that first meeting, so there wasn’t much to go on. It started as a simple visual interest with a thought of ‘Oh. She’s pretty’.

· However, then you started talking and that changed everything.

· You opened up more and more each time you hung out with their little group, revealing layers and layers of interests and personality. You were fascinating…and that’s when his thoughts about you really started to snowball and spiral out of control.

· You went from being a simple pretty face to being a walking embodiment of everything he seriously ever dreamed of having in a mate.

· Early on, there were three sticking points that really made Donnie’s feelings problematic. 1. He was a nearly seven foot tall walking talking turtle and you weren’t. 2. You had a boyfriend that you were deeply in love with and adored. 3. Donnie was too insecure about #1 and how you felt about inter-species dating to let you know that you had started to OWN his heart.

· Now, thanks to his surveillance, there were only two sticking points….#1 and #3.

· He still remembers the feelings of that day, 44 days ago, when the blip of information popped up on this screen alerting him to the fact that your boyfriend was starting to stray.

· Donnie had severely conflicting feelings bombard him at once and it was overwhelming.

· The initial knee jerk reaction was elation, one of the problems blocking him from you may soon be null.

· However, the feeling of elation only lasted for a second or two before the intense anger and sadness set in. Donnie was honestly shocked at the depth of his anger, he didn’t even know he had that level of malice in him. Had he been in physical proximity to your boyfriend at that moment in time, Donnie isn’t sure that he wouldn’t have hurt your guy…or worse.

· How COULD this guy do this? WHY would he? He HAD YOU! What the heck was this guy thinking? Not only did he have you, but you thought the world of him. When you spoke about him you would smile so genuinely, your eyes would shine and gaze off into a bright imagined future. Donnie was always so jealous to watch it happen, he wondered what it would be like to be THAT GUY. And here the idiot was throwing it all away and meeting up with another girl!

· WHAT THE…(yes, this called for a curse) HELL…IS WRONG WITH HUMAN MEN?

· As the anger set root in his heart, the sadness engulfed Donnie like an all-consuming wave. He realized he was going to have to share this information with you, somehow, and that he was going to have to watch as it destroyed you.

· At first, Donnie had a plan to try and save you both from that fate. True, it would hurt him more to save your relationship, but he would rather be the one facing the pain and not you.

· He TRIED to circumvent the situation. He sent anonymous messages to your boyfriend stating that he knew about the infidelity and that he would tell you if needed. However, it didn’t seem like your boyfriend cared because he sent messages back stating Donnie could, basically, go fuck himself.

· Life had cruel sense of irony, thought Donnie, that is exactly what I do since this moron has the woman that I love.

· So, after trying for nearly two weeks to stop what was happening behind your back, Donnie had no choice but to let you in on the secret.

· Donnie couldn’t come right out and tell you that he caught your boyfriend cheating by hijacking your data streams and the data streams of those around you. So, Donnie intercepted some texts between your boyfriend and his mistress and he then sent you a text, under the guise of your boyfriend, telling you to meet him at a specified restaurant for a date.

· It had been a gut wrenching night for Donnie. He remembered watching it all play out on camera feeds from around the restaurant and street outside. He watched you dressed up in your pretty dress get out of your cab in front of the restaurant. You had such a lovely smile on your face, you must have thought you were in for a romantic evening.

· He watched as you walked inside and how the hostess got flustered and confused by a 2nd girl showing up for your boyfriend’s seated-for-two table.

· Donnie stopped breathing as your eyes found the new couple holding hands and giving each other sweet kisses across the table. Hands and lips that were supposed to be yours were touching some stranger.

· Donnie watched your smile and eyes die…the light of your inner sun go out…

· …and it killed him.

· He’s not sure who was crying the hardest, you standing there in that restaurant witnessing the scene or him back at the lair watching your world crush around you on his monitor.

· It had taken a while for you both to recover from that night.

· His brothers noticed his melancholy mood for a couple of weeks but Donnie wouldn’t tell them what was bothering him. And you stayed in your bed, refusing to face the world, for nearly as long.

· Eventually, the group began to notice your silence and absence, so April stopped by your apartment to check on you. She was the one to pull you out of bed, get you to shower and eat. She visited everyday and made sure you had someone to vent to and a shoulder to cry on.

· Donnie was glad that April could be there for you when he couldn’t. He didn’t think it was appropriate for him, a male, to be your confidant at that time. Especially since he felt so much guilt over having to be the one to expose you to that pain.

· No, he didn’t CAUSE the pain, but he did have to make you face it and he didn’t like not being able to protect you from it. You were such a rare, precious creature and watching you in pain felt like he was suffocating slowly.

· There were some points during those first few weeks that he questioned if he did the right thing, but logic told him it would have eventually come to pass with or without his involvement. It was better to rip the bandage of quickly and let you start to heal than it was to let you linger and drag out the inevitable.

· Donnie did secretly check on you every single night during patrol. And, of course, his surveillance feeds were always running. He watched from a distance as his beautiful phoenix burn down to ashes and, eventually, started to rise again.

· Now, it’s been over 3 months and you’ve begun to be more like your old self. Donnie can tell there is a silent sadness there, but you are able to laugh and smile with the group during your get togethers. And each time you two are left alone, his mind nags at him about those last two sticking points.

· Would you be at all interested in him? And HOW does he go about telling you that you have become the center of his world?

· Still staring at the monitor and the Stalker definition, Donnie sighs and rubs the bridge of his snout to release of the pressure now pushing against the inside of his head. The memories of what has happened, the emotions of what was and what is, it was all starting to be too much.

· “Bro, what’s all this?”, Mikey says standing behind Donnie’s chair, talking around a mouth full of pizza.

· “NOTHING!”, says Donnie, voice breaking from the stress of being caught. A startled Donnie quickly taps some keys on his keyboard and the screens revert back to the standard lair camera feeds.

· Mikey may look or even come off as naïve at times, but he’s no fool, he can sense that his older brother is trying to hide something. “Dude, seriously, what was that? I’ve been standing back here reading the screens. I saw Y/N’s name and that looked like her phone number on that other file…, you know the file that looks like texts messages. And why is there a plotted map of the area around her apartment, her work, and to the lair? What’s up?”, Mikey said giving a disapproving look at being thought a pushover.

· “Just standard surveillance, Mikey, nothing to worry about.”, Donnie says trying to placate Mikey’s curiosity. Donnie hates lying, especially to Mikey, but he’s feeling so guilty about being such a…(inward sigh)…stalking creep that admitting the truth is hard to do.

· Mikey stands there staring at Donnie and, as he does, Donnie begins to fidget with his computer chair armrests.

· Mikey stuffs the remnants of the pizza slice into his mouth and does his best Leo impersonation by crosses his arms and staring down at Donnie as sternly as his jolly face can achieve, “Dude, I’m not going to ask you again. You’ve been weird for months. We’ve let it go for the most part but now you are hiding things from me…from ME, dude! You and I, we’re like peanut butter and jelly, we’re ice cream and chocolate fudge, we young dudes have got to stick together. Trust me, bro, I’ve got you!”.

· Donnie stared at the floor, too ashamed to meet Mikey’s eyes any longer. He gave a heavy sigh and reluctantly started to speak, “Sorry Mike, I…I honestly don’t know what’s come over me lately. I’m doing things I never thought I would do, I’m feeling so guilty about it, but I don’t know if I can stop doing it either. I feel…lost.”.

· Mike relaxed his leader stance and leaned against one of Donnie’s lab tables, “Bro, I can tell you’ve been carrying some heavy stuff lately. You need to let it out.”

· Donnie felt the heat rise up through his body like he was suddenly being consumed by a fire and he ripped his glasses off his face and drew them down on the desk in frustration, “Mikey, I’m in love with Y/N. I have been for a while. I have been…”, Donnie hangs his head in shame, “…tracking all her digital foot prints and watching her. In fact, I’m the reason she found out that asshole boyfriend of her's cheated.”

· Mikey’s mouth drops open at Donnie’s demeanor and use of the word ‘asshole’, “Whoa, dude, why didn’t you say something earlier?”.

· Donnie can feel a stinging at the corners of his eyes, this was so embarrassing, so frustrating, so…..so many things at a once. He didn’t have a response for Mikey, all he could do was shake his head.

· Still with his head hung down and staring at the floor, Donnie starts to hear Mikey chuckle. Donnie looks up to see Mikey’s eyes on him and for some reason they are full of merriment at his painful dilemma. Donnie stares at his, normally, very considerate brother in astonishment, this isn’t like Mikey at all!

· “Mikey, I’m more than serious here, now is not the time to make fun of me. What is so funny?”, Donnie asks exasperatedly.

· Mikey shakes his bald head and claps his brother on the shoulder with his green hand, “Bro, she thinks you’re cute.”.

· “W-What?!”, Donnie stammers out.

· Mikey, still chuckling, says, “Yeah, dude, that’s why I asked WHY you didn’t say something about liking her sooner, she’s always thought you were cute. She and I talk about it all the time.”.

· Donnie just stares at his jolly brother in silence. His mind is too blown to form a sentence.

· Mikey turns to leave stating, “And by the way, dude, stop watching her like that…that’s just creepy.”.

@turtle-babe83 @tmntspidergirl @kokokatsworld @nittleboo @the-second-circle-of-shell

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Hello, Stuck. Sorry, I don’t know your real name.

I wrote this long ass post to bring some light into the fandom and between the CSs, and I hope you can post it? I’m new in the Tumblr world, but not in the 5H fandom. I don’t quite know how it works yet and, for the moment, I only know your blog and those of @emisonme, @karlaswine, @sun-to-my-luna, @underthatimpression, and @mentesimploria because, in one way or another, you’re all connected to each other. I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate every single one of you, the passion you have, and the hope you keep alive among those who, like me, love the girls. Also, the patience you guys have, especially against the haters, is admirable. I love the fact that you keep going. Because this is your sacred place, as it should be.

This is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. I’m what can be defined as a ‘silent fan’. I never commented on anything in the girls’ posts, not even on the fan accounts I follow. I don’t have Twitter. I have Facebook but it’s like I don’t have it because I don’t use it. I have Wattpad (obviously). I recently registered here on Tumblr, and I have Instagram. That’s what I use. It’s the only app along with YouTube that I use daily to keep up with the rest of the world. Especially the American part of the world. I’m Italian, but I speak American English well, and I apologize in advance if my lazy ass hasn’t noticed possible grammatical errors. I saw that a lot of you are into this stuff, so I thought I’d add it just because. I’m a Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon, and Virgo rising.

I’m gonna turn 29 on December 22, and this is a BIG fuck off to all the people who have attacked you lately for your age. This is personal information that I give freely to make ignorant and small-minded people understand that, in this context especially, age is irrelevant. As you, little fucker who hides behind a computer to attack people just to feel stronger, have a life, we have it too. Like you, we have a life, a job, friends, etc. We also have passions. Passions that yes, my dear haters, also include shipping people. I don’t know why in your stupid brain we’re too old to ship people we love and to give opinions about it. I didn’t know it was something reserved only for those who still smell like mommy’s milk. But anyway…

I became aware of 5H existence just before summer 2015 thanks to ‘Worth It’. Being Italian, however, I had no idea who they were, and to be honest, I didn’t go searching for them. Randomly one day then, I ran into Camren on YouTube. I can’t remember which video I was watching, but I know for sure it was about ‘Heya/Brittana’ (Heather Morris and Naya Rivera/Brittany and Santana, my very first hard LGBT ship). And among the suggested videos, there they are. As ridiculous as it sounds, and although I liked them as soon as I saw them, I didn’t go searching for them. I did it when ‘Work from Home’ came out though. From there, I connected that they were the same ‘Worth It’ group and the same two girls I liked from those YouTube videos. I had officially become a fan. I was screwed. Screwed because, I’d officially entered one of the most messed up and yet most beautiful fandoms ever.

As I initially said, this is the very first time I’ve ever done anything like this. But after the recent events, seeing how many people gave up, it made me a little angry and gave me the strength to speak for the first time. I thought the first time would’ve been through the fanfiction I’ve been working on for over two years, but no. Lauren and her beautiful mouth had to terrorize, disappoint, panic, and make angry 80% of CS, thus fueling the hatred of all the other fandom towards us. So I decided to speak now. Maybe, just maybe, this very long ass post of mine is gonna help struggling CS. Maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna make them reason and bring them to their senses.

So. This, as I think you’ve understood, is about Lauren and what she said in the podcast. This is a reminder of the Laucy situation. These are things we already know and that I want to remind you of because apparently, my lovely fellows CS, either you have a short-term memory, or Lauren has the power to create amnesia in people’s minds and I knew nothing about it. Surely this power of hers didn’t work on me and a few others.

Oh and, before starting: 1) You may disagree with me. It’s normal to have different opinions. 2) You can search for information such as dates, easily on the internet. 3) I’m gonna use nicknames on PRs for fun. That doesn’t mean I hate them. I have my reasons for dislike each one of them as people, but I can assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that they were or are the Camren beards. An example to make you understand what I mean is Ty. I’m a huge Ari fan and I’ve been listening to ‘safety net’ non-stop for two days straight. I really dislike Ty as a person, but I separate the art from the artist.

Okay, that said, I can start.

Lauren said: “I knew I was queer because I fell in love with my best friend when I was like 15.” – “Her and I started to have a physical connection when I was 15.”

Lauren and Lucid Vivisectionist met when L moved to Carrollton in 7th grade. Lucille moved back to Puerto Rico in February 2012, returning to visit Miami occasionally (this explains the fetus pictures with Lucy and Camren at L’s house). In February 2012, Lauren was 15, Camila 14, and Lucy 16. And who did Lauren meet when she was 15? Oh yeah, Camila. C and L did the first phase of the audition, the ‘cattle call’, on May 1, 2012 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Audition where Camila took courage to speak at the (“Oh my God that girl is) literally so beautiful” girl from which she felt intimidated by starting that adorable brief conversation “Hi, I like your shirt”, “Thanks. I like your jacket” just before it was her turn to get in for her audition. In May 2012, Lauren and Camila were both 15 years old. Lauren and Camila saw each other again for the first time on July 25th, two months later, in Miami on the first day of boot camp, and it was Lauren herself who went to Camila: “You’re the Cuban girl!”. In July 2012, Lauren was 16 and Camila was 15.

Lauren said: “She came back into my life when I was 18. I was on tour and I was in my room in a hotel somewhere, and she called me.” Let me explain to you why I think this is true.

Lauren and Luxy reconnected with each other after Lucy’s car accident that took place on May 15, 2015. Lauren was really 18 in May 2015, and we can rule out The Reflection Tour dates because it started on February 27, 2015, and ended April 6, 2015. We can also rule out these other show dates that 5H did: April 11 in Jackson Township, New Jersey - April 13 at Live! with Kelly and Michael in New York - April 19 Lauren was at Coachella with Keana, Britt, and other friends - April 22 at the Worldwide Radio Summit in Hollywood - April 25 at Radio Disney Music Awards 2015 in Los Angeles - May 8 at Channel 93.3 Summer Kickoff 2015 in Chula Vista, San Diego - May 9 at Wango Tango 2015 in Carson, Los Angeles (May 9, rumors about Camila and Louis Tomlinson just because paparazzi believed they were together when Louis was actually together with Liam outside the Project Club L.A., and C who was at the club next door) - May 15 at KDWB Radio Show in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The rest of their program and possible date: May 16 at Kiss Concert 2015 in Mansfield, Massachusetts - May 19 at Dancing with the Stars in Los Angeles - May 30 at G-A-Y in London (rumors about Lauren and Louis Tomlinson this time, born because 5H went to Libertine nightclub with Louis and Niall) - May 31 at Britain’s Got More Talent in London - June 2 at Capital FM in Birmingham, England - June 5 at Good Morning Britain in London - June 6 at Capital FM Summertime Ball 2015 in London - June 12 at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii - June 14 at LA Pride 2015 - June 18 at Jimmy Kimmel Live in Los Angeles - June 20 at B96 Pepsi Summer Bash 2015 in Bridgeview, Illinois - June 23 at San Diego County Fair 2015 - 28 June at Show Of The Summer 2015 in Hershey, Pennsylvania - July 10 at Rockefeller Plaza in New York. July 15, 2015, beginning of Reflection: The Summer Tour.

June 27, 2015 Lauren turned 19, and do you guys remember the events of those days? Because I do.

On June 24, 2015, Lauren celebrated her birthday in advance at the famous sushi restaurant ‘Katsuya’. Among the guests were the girls, her mom Clara, some friends, including Jill (the same Jill/Jillian Gutowitz who worked with Zack Sang and who 5H met on April 22, 2015, at the Worldwide Radio Summit, which lasted for three days but they were present for two: 22 and 23. The same Jill who wrote the article for AfterEllen on January 25, 2016, about her experiences with women who denied their sexuality. Remember the story of Lauren Jordan, right?), and Noah Benardout (may he rest in peace). Still no Lucia, not even on the days when Lauren returned to Miami to celebrate with her family before resuming the program from the 28. As I already said, The Reflection Summer Tour began on July 15, 2015, and Lucy’s first public reappearance took place on one of the tour dates, that is, July 27 at Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

From that moment on, we saw Lucille appear on multiple occasions in hops through time. After the July 27th date, we saw her during the trip to Hawaii with Lauren and Keana in September, followed by the concert that the girls had on October 10 in the Bahamas, where they stayed with their families and friends for a few days. After the Bahamas, the mess happened between 5H because they found out about Camila’s departure from the group which initially should’ve been immediate, but for which they fought and gained another year. That, was also the time when Laucy signed their PR contract. As we know from Lauren herself, that was the worst and darkest time for her. That was the beginning of her numbness.

On October 23, they were on their way to Italy and Lauren wrote on her dark diary, the one shown to us in Episode 8 of her Attunements. On October 24, they arrived in Milan for the MTV Europe Music Awards 2015 occurred on October 25, and on October 28, in Madrid instead, there was the interview with Alyson Eckmann, the journalist Camila flirted with while Lauren was sitting right next to her.

Going forward, in November we have:

- Rumors about Lauren and Julius Dein (his friend who is a YouTube magician).

-The release of IKWYDLS including the rumors about Camila and Shawn and Michael Clifford (who was already in the picture) who were ‘vying for her’.

- Beginning of Lauren’s coming out plan which included: 1) The release of The Vamps’ album on November 23rd, that is, a week after the release of IKWYDLS, and which included the track ‘I Found A Girl’. Joe O'Neill, the manager of The Vamps, liked that famous tweet. Despite the efforts to make us believe that Bleahren (sorry for the Italian pun I made here, but ‘bleah’ in Italian is equivalent to the ‘eww’ to indicate something gross, and therefore Bleah-Ren) Brauren was real and that the girl involved was Lucille and not Camila, they’ve miscalculated since Lauren and Brad ‘dated’ in 2014 when Lucy had not yet returned into Lauren’s life. But since the album and consequently the song came out on November 23, 2015, they tried to manipulate people’s minds as usual. 2) Jill’s article that served to connect and more or less ‘confirm’ the story between this Jordan and her childhood friend, Lauren-Lucy.

- December: completion of the 7/27 album + Dina LaPolt’s entry + renegotiation of the contracts (mostly DNA’s contracts) + FIFTH HARMONY MUSIC, INC. created by LAND on December 21 to prepare for the transfer of the 5H trademark, the FIFTH HARMONY PARTNERSHIP, of which they became owners from April 27, 2016 + change of management from Faculty Management: Jared Paul and Janelle Lopez, to Maverick Management: Larry Rudolph, Dan Dymtrow, and Tara Beikae. [All things that were possible ONLY THANKS to the exit of C from the group]

- January 2016, we have Lauren and Lucrezia who came back from Colombia to then taking a road trip for Lucy’s birthday week.

- Jill’s article came out and coincidentally, by pure chance, exactly two days later, on January 27, 2016, Camila and Dinah were hacked.

- On March 9, 2016, Lauren, Normani, Andrea, Dinah, and Keana went to pierce their ears, or rather, Laurmainah pierced their ears, mama Dre and Keana just accompanied them. During her turn, Lauren asked Keana to take her phone to make a video. In the meantime, Mani was filming Lauren, and again by pure chance, Keana, who was in the heart of the frame, took Lauren’s phone as she’d asked, and both the lock screen and the home screen portrayed a picture of Lucania during a photoshoot. Same picture Lucy herself posted on Instagram on April 10th to leave no doubt.

- April 24, 2016, Coachella together.

- Luciana went with 5H in London, in May, during the promotion of the 7/27 album. (+ Camren video of May 28, 2016)

- She was present during the start of the tour in South America on June 26th (in the evening during the concert, L danced Big Bad Wolf for her, but that’s not the famous video, that was on September 5) and 27th to celebrate L’s birthday together (picture of the 27th of them in Buenos Aires).

- June 27, 2016, on L’s birthday, Jill posted a picture with L from the birthday dinner of the year before, further confirming the story of ‘Jordan’.

- August 1, the national girlfriend day, L posted a picture of her and Lucy.

- From August 12 to 21, Lucy was with them. The night after the concert on the 13th in Rochester Hills, Michigan, videos in which Lucilla appeared during Lauren Fuller’s birthday celebration at the hotel for dinner. On the 14th in Noblesville, Indiana, during Gonna Get Better and Big Bad Wolf Lauren smiled in Lucy’s direction who was in the audience. On the 18th in Virginia Beach, Virginia, a fan met Laucy in a movie theater restroom, taking a selfie with Lauren (C posted a picture of her in the dark with the words of Bad Things “don’t think that I can explain it” the same night).

- On September 4 and 5 Lucippe returned. On the 5th in Houston, Texas, the famous ‘super HD’ video took place in which Lauren danced Big Bad Wolf for Lucy, even pointing to her during her verse. [On September 6, Midland, Texas, during the Q&A, Lauren wore the same dress that Lucy was wearing to the concert the night before, and at the same time, she sat next to C and got jealous when C complimented a fan by sending her flying kisses. Ahh… The irony]

Now. Let’s move on to the part of the podcast where Lauren explains about the kiss with Lucza at her uncle and aunt’s wedding, how her aunt “super innocently” posted the pictures on Facebook that her “unreal invasive fans” found and posted, how Perez Hilton outed her to the world by posting an article with those pictures, how she did nothing for a week, and that after thinking “Ok, it happened. People know. What am I gonna do?”, she wrote that letter against Trump as her own way of coming out.

On November 4, 2016, Lauren and Lucynda did the ‘famous’ photoshoot in New Orleans called ‘Bare With Me’. Lauren flew to NOLA right after Halloween, got back to Miami to vote, then returned to New Orleans on the 10th along with her family for the wedding. Lucianna was also with her on the 10th for the rehearsal/bowling with all of Lauren’s relatives. Meanwhile Orange Trumpeter was elected on the 8th, and many celebrities were preparing to write a letter through Billboard against him and his supporters. Labels and management saw it as a perfect opportunity to get her to come out also considering how much Lauren has always been vocal on the subject, and THEY contacted Billboard to get her to participate in exchange of the exclusive of her coming out. All that was missing was the evidence to make sure that there had been no connection with Camila, and that was the reason for the kiss at the wedding on the 11th.

On November 13, the wedding photographer posted those pictures on his website, including the one of the kiss. And I’m sorry, Lolo, I love you but, really? Who are you kidding? The pictures didn’t start spreading because her ‘unreal invasive fans’ found them on her aunt’s Facebook page where she’d posted them ‘super innocently’. The pictures started spreading after the photographer posted them! And you know what’s even more funny? That to see those pictures on the website, you needed an access password. So what are you saying here, Lo? That your ‘unreal invasive fans’ were so good, to even have hacked their way into the website for pictures they didn’t even know existed? It wasn’t your team, was it? Oh, okay. My bad.

Sarcasm aside. The pictures started to spread, Perez tweeted about it on the 14th, and in the meantime Lauren had time to write the letter that was approved by the labels and sent to Billboard (on the 14th), who approved it a couple of days after it was sent (on the 16th), and which they then published it in the article two days later (on the 18th). In all of this, on November 15, 2016, the girls all went to Epic’s party. Since we know very well that most of the cases of coming out as bisexual in the industry made by a female celebrity occur in succession with the connection with a guy, that night there was the PR proposal between Typo Dolour Signal and Lauren that he obviously accepted, and in fact, he was there that night at that party too (Picture of C with a tear mark on her cheek).

Now, the icing on the cake of the Laucy’s PR: Nicole Cartolano. Nicole is a friend of Lecy’s with whom she had already worked together and who also posted pictures of Lauren on November 17 and 22, 2016, one on December 31, 2016, together with Marian Hill taken backstage after Lauren’s performance with them on the 30th, the night before, for the Snow Globe Festival in South Lake Tahoe, California, and the one of Laucy (with the piñata) on January 10, taken the same night to celebrate Lucilia’s birthday at midnight and that Lauren also used to post it for wish her a happy birthday. That was the last public interaction between the two. *Slow entry of Tympans Dollhouse Signalized in the picture from January 4, 2017, thanks to that tweet*.

On January 21, 2017, Lauren and Lucy were at the same Women’s March, but separately (single), and we haven’t seen them together anymore. LuBYE. On March 22, 2017, both ‘Bare With Me’ and the interview article Nicole did with MTV News (she confirmed that Laucy had been together by having an on-again, off-again for years and also said a lot of other bullshit like the fact that the girls were nervous because they didn’t know how their parents would’ve responded) came out. On August 13, 2018, Nicole officially apologized to Lucy for being angry with her for posting the pictures and therefore for having outed her and for having taken part in the MTV interview without their permission. There was also the screenplay made by Nicole’s mom to make everything even more true.

Bullshit on bullshit on bullshit. Number 1, Lauren herself confirmed in this podcast that her parents knew about her, and said how much she loved Lucre’s ‘I’m out and proud’ part.

Number 2, Nicole posted a preview of the pictures on March 18, 2017, so if she really wanted to stop her before the publication on the 22nd, she would’ve had time to do so.

Number 3, Lucita came out publicly on her own with that Spanish post on Instagram on November 20, 2016, saying in summary that she was anything but straight because she didn’t want to label herself (she did it years later by saying she was a lesbian).

Number 4, as Lusia also confirmed in that post where Nicole’s mom left that comment, Nicole signed a non-disclosure agreement form. If she had actually violated it without having had a release and written consent form, she would’ve been sued.

Number 5, if Luciferase really wanted to have that conversation in private with Nicole’s mom, she might very well have done so. She could’ve contacted her and answered her IN PRIVATE for real, and not via IG where EVERYONE saw and took the side of poor, poor Luckless.

Number 6, the biggest proof that shows the hypocrisy of all this, Lucasta continued to work with Nicole. Their last work dates back to November 25, 2019.

Okaay, sure… sure, because it was normal for her to continue working with the person who outed her, wasn’t it? People’s lies never cease to amaze me. For that matter, Nicole also posted a picture of their ‘adventure’ as they made their way to the photoshoot location on November 1, 2017, and continued to wish them both a happy birthday with posts every year.

And lastly, on June 6, 2020, we have the Lucerne’s video leaked (+ old pictures and videos of 5H) where she burned pictures of Lauren and of the two of them together in 2017, accompanied by the tweets occurred two days later, in which she explained that she was hacked and that she burned the pictures for a closure. Then, exactly 20 days later, that is on June 26, 2020, the PAPER Magazine article of Lauren’s interview came out. What a coincidence! In that article, Lauren explained, along with other things, that she’d been in love with her best friend for 7 years.

Lauren, honey, the maths, the maths… If according to your words you fell in love with her at 15, got together with her at 18, and broken up at 20, how can these be 7 years? It’s 5 years… And as if it wasn’t enough, still according to your words, after 1 year and 8 months (from mid-May 2015 to mid-January 2017), 2 months of which public because of the wedding pictures, of the relationship you wanted at all costs, “all in” and “now we’re gonna be in this relationship”, you broke up with her because she was really toxic, and after less than a month, you started dating an even more toxic person without the proper time to heal?? How do you expect me to believe you? And I’m putting aside the fact that I know they’re both PR relationships. I’m speaking out of logic. How? How can I believe you? How does this make any sense?

Personally, yes, I believe Lauren and Lucy have a past. Lauren’s first kiss was when she was 13 (8th grade) with her boyfriend at the time, Dominic, but I think Lucy was her first kiss with a girl. And I think it happened when she was 15, but in 2011, so long before Lucy left. Lauren dated Paul Martinez from June 4, 2011, to the end of July (around 23/24). From after Paul, until her very first PR at X-Factor, Keaton Stromberg, she was single. I truly believe that before she met Camila, Lauren and Lucy did everything Lauren said. I really believe Lauren experimented with her in secret, but I don’t believe in anything else she said at all.

This is my opinion. And in my opinion, Lauren always knew she was queer, and Lucy was the first with whom she could experience the attraction and the feelings towards girls she had always felt and concealed deep inside herself. But they were friends. Just friends. Friends who messed around and experimented together in secret given the environment that surrounded them. Lucy then returned to live in Puerto Rico and they simply drifted apart because of the distance and Lauren’s busy schedule with 5H. When she came back into Lauren’s life, they rekindled their friendship. Just that. Also because, Camila, hello? Camila entered Lauren’s heart the same year Lucy left and never get out of it. Not to mention that Lucy had a girlfriend, Sarah Scott Narcise, before getting together with Nicole Marie Rendón in March 2017. I honestly think that Lucy was also giving advice to Lauren about her relationship with Camila, and I also think that now they really aren’t friends anymore for something we don’t know about, even though I have my theories… But anyway. Lauren needed a beard to be able to come out, Lucy needed visibility for her modeling career and, at the time, also for her music which, however, never saw the light of day. The labels approved because they would’ve done anything to keep their chosen one out of the gay light. Camila also approved. Boom, PR.

I don’t believe all the other bullshit she said during the podcast. Because if they’d been true, they would’ve made logical sense. A sense they’ve been trying, and failing, to give for years. If Lauren really didn’t want to come out, she wouldn’t have done a photoshoot with Lucy a week before the wedding with the intention of using that same photoshoot to come out. She would not have kissed Lucy in a public place during the wedding pictures in front of a professional photographer hired for the event, knowing full well that those pictures would eventually have been published by the bride and groom, her aunt and uncle, and the photographer himself. If she wanted so badly a picture of her kissing her girlfriend, drunk or not, she would’ve taken her fucking phone and take selfies. It wasn’t the fans’ or Perez’s fault. It was the management that was following the plan.

And I’m supposed to, what exactly? Forget all these things, things that have been proofed multiple times in the past, because Lauren, or Camila, or management, or labels, or their contracts, must continue with their stupid narrative? Because Camila must continue to look straight and continue to look in love with Shalt Menstruated because the señorito is about to release his documentary and his album? Because Camila’s movie is about to come out? Because Lauren’s own album is about to be released and because the subject matter of her female-pronounced songs must only and exclusively be related to Lucy? (Although I think her album will be out next year. I think a song with female pronunciation is coming out soon. And no, I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s Burning)

Guys, come on…

Think about it. She used Lucy as a shield to tell part of her story with Camila that happened in 2014. It all fits. Even the story told through songs from Camila’s cocky POV, including ‘Like Friends Do’, ‘Eyes on You’, ‘Cleopatra’, ‘Leave for Good’, and a couple from her last album like ‘Should’ve Said It’ and ‘Feel It Twice’.

I understand why many of you have been hurt by this podcast and by Lauren herself. I understand why a lot of you are angry about the things she said. I see you, I understand, I really do. And everyone is free to feel whatever they want, I’m not saying otherwise. But I really don’t understand why you’re hiding or why you’re abandoning the ship. Authors who don’t wanna write anymore. Accounts closed. Names changed. Hope lost. This, all this, makes me angry and hurt. Because you fell for it. And you know why you fell for it? Because Lauren changed her approach. Leaving aside the part just before when she said: “Even when I talk about it, and I don’t talk about it because I’ve learned to just ignore it because-” and there, I swear I had to pause because I burst out laughing, and I was like: “Bitch, you’re the one who pulled this out of your ass out of nowhere right this second, what are you saying?”. She went on by saying, and she knows us so well because of this: “I just chose to ignore it at a certain point because getting angry to them would it mean that it was real and validate it more for them”.

And it’s true. This non-angry approach of hers, worked like a charm. Lauren’s older, she’s more mature than before. Although she was very nervous, she managed to explain everything calmly. The fact that she was emotional and almost cried in many parts, it really gave an extra boost to what she tried to sell. And I’m not saying she faked almost crying. Hell, no. That was super true and hard for her. I’m saying though, that it’s really easy to manipulate people’s minds, and Lauren used her real pain, the real suffering she has gone through over the years to tell this charade. That’s why it seemed so real. And I’m supposed to fall for that shit just because that’s what they’ve wanted for years, right? Convenient much?

Guys, please. You’re smarter than that, use those beautiful brains. For example, the fact that Lauren said: “I was queer, but she was not”, wrong as you want it to be, and “Camila and I were just really good friends at that time”, yeah, sure, Jan. Doesn’t the very fact that she used the past tense make you realize that it was done to completely detach herself from her IN THE PRESENT? Everything she said was for something. Everything had a purpose. And the goal is always the same. Make us stop shipping ‘em. Putting a label on C only served the Shoestoremila purpose, nothing else. And those were words that came out of the mouth of the one who says she doesn’t like labeling people. The same one who was pissed that someone had outed her before she wanted to. Do you really think she’s that hypocritical?

The fact that she put all the CS in the same box, especially when she talked about the Daddy situation, WAS DONE ON PURPOSE. She couldn’t fail to generalize because their purpose is, and will be for a long time to come, to kill Camren. That means the whole fandom. Not just invasive elements. But really all the CS. The purpose was to make us feel guilty. The purpose is to make us accept that it was never real, and since we care about them, to make us continue to support them individually and not as a couple, even though she knows that the real CS do it regardless. This, is called manipulation, guys.

Think about everything else too. The inconsistency. The holes in her story. The lack of explanations. And the fact that during the story of how it all happened, she jumped from one theme to another and therefore managed to deflect and not completely finish one before moving on to the other, doesn’t it make you understand that she didn’t want to give too many details? And when does that usually happen? She knew we’d analyze her. She knew she couldn’t say too much. When she talked about Lucy, she knew that WE know she was talking about Camila, and with too many details, it would also have been obvious to the others because WE would’ve pointed it out to everyone. I mean, it’s obvious enough in itself, imagine if she’d fed us more information that we would’ve compared in the timeline.

Please, guys. I know that it feels like something’s changed, but it’s not. It’s really not. I’m appealing to all of you. Open your eyes. Reason. I know many of you still have conflicting emotions and feelings, and that’s okay. If you’re still upset, if you still wanna cry, then cry. Do whatever helps you feel better because, especially after the haters have come to bite your asses, you’re entitled to feel the way you do. But please, please, don’t give up. If you give up, you just play their game. You just do them a favor. You guys had invested so much of your time, so much of your passion, so much of yourselves to just, give up. Think of all we’ve been through, especially those who’ve been in the fandom for years. Think about how happy Camren makes you. They were there for you when you needed them. When you were going through hard times. I know they’ve helped a lotta people.

And think about this too. Lauren herself said at the beginning of the podcast: “The news and the media are constantly spinning narratives for your clicks so they can make money”. And what do you think this podcast was for? It’s always the same shit. Have you not noticed how the very same news and media have ALL talked about them? Didn’t you notice how My Oh My magically returned into the charts? How 50ft surpassed the 9 million streams on Spotify? And you still have doubts?

This is instead for the CS who get often angry about their actions. I personally think it’s pointless to blame Lauren and Camila for every single thing they do that has been PLANNED for them. Especially Camila as far as Shonas is concerned. There’s a pattern here too. Lauren had her light PR with Lucia. Lauren then had her heavy PR with Typic Dole Sight while Camila had a light one with Eatchu. And now Camila’s having a heavy one. C’s one is heavier simply because they’re much more famous than PRen (Tyren) were. So, guys, be patient. There’s really no point in getting angry and blaming them. It’s a waste of energy. It’s useless to blame them if they’re gonna continue to do so over the years to come. They’re just still trying to get past their original contracts and survive in the industry at the same time. Sooner or later, I HOPE, they will be free to tell the truth or the truth will come out on its own.

Well, I’m done. Jeez, that was long, wasn’t it? But I hope it was worth it. I hope I’ve cleared your heads a little bit and instilled some hope again. I also hope I made you smile with all those nicknames and my sarcasm. I especially hope that wherever you are, you’re having a good day, and if not, then I hope it has improved at least a little bit with this post. And thank you so much, Stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use my voice for the first time publicly/virtually. You, above all, keep on being one of the lights and NEVER let them turn you off. I love you guys. Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay patient. With love, F.

I leave you with these two pearls:

Number 1. Lauren said something else too. She said: “Don’t trust me. Go research. Go look this shit up yourself”. I know she said it for a completely different context, but I found it really funny given the situation.

Number 2. This is a small scene that automatically created itself in my head as soon as I finished listening to Wonder. I titled it: The sad and short story of the making of ‘Wonder’.

Enjoy:

*on the phone*

Shawl Mendicant: “Hey, buddy. I know you were a huge Fifth Harmony fan and I know you love my fake girlfriend, so I was thinking… could you help me? You know, I need her to stay relevant, but to do that, I also need to release music and completely take all the credit from other people because, you know, the most I do is change a sentence or two in my style to make people think that I wrote all my songs.”

Sam Smith: “………okay?”

Shawnita Menorrhagia: “So, I was wondering, can I copy your homework? You can totally refuse if you want to, but I’m hoping to appeal to the love you have for 5H and Camila, and maybe help a friend out?”

Sam Smith: “Yeah, sure, you can copy my homework. Anything for my girls. Just, change it up a bit so it doesn’t sound too obvious you just copied it.”

Shonas Mended: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. Thanks, man.” - *ends the call*

Sam Smith looking at the phone with an incredulous expression and one hand over his heart: “I came out as a non-binary, you insensitive asshole!”

Shoes Mentionable from the other room: “Cameeela! He said yes!” *reaching then Camila and Lauren in the living room where Lauren is lying with her head resting on Camila’s legs who’s running her fingers through her hair with one hand and holding the book that she’s reading with the other one* “You were right, all I had to do was mention you girls.”

Lauren chuckling and continuing to pet Cleo who’s lying at the foot of the couch with one hand: “Told you”, to then adding: “And please, I know you’re excited because of the news but keep your voice down”, continuing to caress Sofi’s head who’s sleeping on top of her with the other one.

Shapeless Mentality: “Oh, sorry.”

Camila without looking away from her book: “Sam’s really nice. I’m sure they would’ve said yes even without the need of mentioning us.”

Lauren: “Hmm, I’m not so sure about that, babe. Yes, they’re very nice, but we’re powerful in their minds, so it was an added incentive for them to say yes.”

Shaved Mentholated: “Who are they? Weren’t we talking about Sam?”

Camila who was giggling at her girlfriend’s words:

Lauren:

Sinu from the kitchen:

Cleo who was nibbling her toy:

Even Thunder, Leo, and Eugene from outside into the yard:

*the end*

Chon Mendable: ‘Wonder’ - Sam Smith: ‘One Last Song’

____

OMG I am speechless. I’m really still digesting this whole story because it’s amazing but I wanted to start by saying hello to you and telling you my name, my name is Marite. It is a pleasure to meet you dear friend. I don’t want to write too much because your words are much more important than mine but I wanted to thank you for trusting me and my blog to tell me your story. That side of the story that, being new and not having been a harmonizer from the beginning, I never learned. I intended to ask for more information about Laucy’s Timeline but what you have told is a gem. A gem that shows that the bastards of the industry cannot fool the fans because we pay attention to everything and it is not easy for us to fall for their shit. I think the power we fans have is so great that if we all came together, we could bring down this whole fucking fake empire that they have created. That said, Laucy’s story is surprising. As planned and how each person involved had to do their part on the chessboard. Incredible. Now that you tell me that story, I think it fits the one I wrote in my once upon a time post. Sure, yours is true and has everything that mine doesn’t. I have tried to keep this blog open for all who wish to come and air their ideas, their thoughts, their tea. And you dear friend, you have been one of the best so far. You’ve given us that support that the fandom so badly needed and I really appreciate it. I also appreciate your humor, the nicknames have been so hilarious and I’m still laughing. Thank you for daring to tell this part of the story and reopen the can of worms of a PR that right now resurfaces with that Lauren interview. With a purpose, it’s true. And something tells me that we will see much more very soon. Thank you for your support, my friend. And you know, you have my blog at your disposal for whatever you need. And if you need to talk or anything else. I greatly appreciate that we can continue to keep this ship afloat among ourselves. Among a group of intelligent people who have been hurt by someone we have always loved very much even though we know the reason for all that. We can’t give up now because if we do it like you say they will win and I personally don’t plan to indulge them in that. Thank you very much for all dear friend and I hope you have a nice day. I send you a hug and I hope you stay safe.

[bbyboybrock--archived]

Happy New Year (Colby Brock Imagine)

Summary: *REQUEST* Can you do one where they are strangers and meet each other during a new years eve party and then end up kissing each other when the ball drops and make it super romantic (not in covid times) pretty please

Written: 2021

Word Count: 2,040

Warnings: Swearing, mention of being roofied, breakup

Masterlist

I sit in the uber, waiting for everyone to get out. Maybe they’ll be too excited about the party to realize that I went home. Maybe I should escape out the other door and disappear into the night. I didn’t even want to come out tonight in the first place. After the year I’ve had, going to an influencer party is the last place I want to attend. Unluckily for me, my best friends were tired of me staying in my apartment all day, every day, and refused to let me ring in the new year alone. Sadly, this meant that I had to go with them to a party because my apartment gave off “depression vibes” and that “wasn’t the move” for 2021. That’s the only thing that I agreed with them on, the vibe thing, not going to a party. 

After nearly a year of quarantine and processing a breakup, my place is a bit of a disaster. If it wasn’t for Janie ambushing me every day last week to help/force me to clean up, my apartment would still look like that cave where the grinch lives— minus Max. There were various alcohol bottles collecting dust on the counter. Not in a “she’s spiraling very rapidly” sort of way, but in a way that you could tell that I had a rough few weeks and the occasional wine night with the gals. There were boxes, mostly from March and April, that I still had yet to throw out after impose buying a bunch of stuff. My closet had turned into my bed because that was the only safe space that wasn’t cluttered with food packaging or tainted by memories that no longer bring me joy. I hadn’t properly seen my floor in months until we pulled back the layer of filth. I forgot that I had carpet. Still, after all that, I managed to make videos every week without fail.

“Y/N, c’mon, you’re not escaping this time. Let’s go so you can forget that asshole and that backstabbing bitch.” Persephone begs as she pulls me out of the car. Once out of the car, she adjusts her long, dark brown curls and smooths out her dress before reconnecting to her boyfriend’s hip. They both match with their gold and black outfits. All of my friends and their significant others match. Ophelia and her girlfriend are wearing silver and blue while Janie and her boyfriend are wearing maroon and gold. They all look like gods and goddesses and here I am wearing green and sliver on my own. Could I be anymore single?

“I’m not going to do it, I was just thinking about it. Don’t worry. I have to get footage for the vlog anyway. Gotta prove that I did something other than stay home this year. My fans are getting concerned.” I pull out my camera and get a few clips of everyone.

“Might as well get some pictures then so people will believe you.”1 Ophelia winks before grabbing me and leading us to what I’m assuming is the designated photo spot. There’s even a line. This is going to be one of those nights.

****

“Aw, fuck…” I mutter to myself as my drink gets knocked out of my hand. This house isn’t big enough for the number of people that were invited. 

“I am so sorry! Here, let me help you.” The guy who bumped into me extends his hand for me to grab. I’m sober enough to know not to take completely random strangers' hands at parties, especially in LA, but I’m also drunk enough to not care. He looks nice enough and I can spot Ophelia and her girlfriend Zoe keeping an eye on me from the corner of the room. I guess everyone is taking turns to make sure I don’t bail.

Against better judgment, I take this beautiful stranger’s hand and let him guide me out of the house to the backyard. It’s less crowded out here, maybe because there are more activities to do inside. Out here, I can actually breathe even though people are smoking and vaping out here. The music is quieter. The music is still loud, but like it would burst your eardrum like the music inside. I get a better look at the guy who brought me out here. He’s not bad looking, and I really hope that’s not the alcohol talking. He has the most relaxing blue eyes I’ve ever seen on a guy. His hair is dark brown with a bit of, I think, purple in the front. He looks as threatening as a pug, but looks can be deceiving.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get any on you did I?” He asks as he scans my body, not in a creepy way. Which is a nice change of pace.

“My feet but they’re just shoes so I don’t care. I call these my going out shoes, they’re made for moments like this so you’re all good. I’m Y/N by the way.” I stick my hand out for him to shake. He looks at it puzzled for a second before it registers and he grabs my hand and gives it a firm shake. 

“Right— I spilled your drink on you and basically kidnapped you from the party and you don’t even know my name. It’s Colby, Colby Brock.” Colby shakes my hand a little too long before quickly pulling it away.

“I’m Y/N, you can get the last name later,” I bite my bottom lip, close my eyes, and mentally slap my head. “That was lame, wasn’t it?”

“It’s fine. It’s a thousand times better than anything I would have come up with. Just blame it on the alcohol.”

We both laugh before Colby singles that he’ll be right back. I watch as Colby disappears a small group of people. I take off my shoes and walk to the pool, dipping my feet in as I sit. The cool night air is soothing me. It’s a nice change from the stale scent of my apartment and the sweaty bodies inside the party. I look up to the night sky. The light pollution makes it impossible to see what stars and constellations are above us. Whatever I’m staring at right now feels peaceful, like they are aligned or not in retrograde. I have no idea what any of that means, but I do know that I’ve been around Ophelia too much.

Colby taps my shoulder when he gets back. He kicks off his shoes and socks before joining me in the pool, not even rolling up his pant legs. He’s going to regret that in a few hours. He hands me an unopened can of Truly. I take it from him and open it myself. At least I know he’s not a creep. He opens a can of White Claw and sips it before breaking the silence.

“I have to be honest, Y/N.” Colby looks forward, taking another sip.

“Oh no, what is it?” I ask nervously.

“The real reason I dropped your drink is because I saw some asshole slip something in your drink.” Colby finally looks at me and I can tell he’s serious.

“Wait…what? Someone tried to… Any you thought the best was to inform me was to spill my drink all over me?” I’m more taken aback by the idea of me almost getting roofied than anything. That would have been the perfect way to end this shit storm of a year.

“In hindsight, I planned to spill your drink. I didn’t mean to get any on you. I’m not a hundred percent sober right now so that was the downside of my plan. Don’t worry about the guy, my friend Corey went after him.”

“Wow— Uh, thank you. I mean it. I don’t think I could have dealt with… that on top of everything else I had to handle this year.” I take a sip of my drink and swing my legs in the water. 

“Do you want to talk about it? I’m not big on talking about serious stuff with strangers, so I’ll understand if you don’t want to. However, we’re both getting hammered, if we aren’t already, so the likely hood of us even remembering this conversation tomorrow let alone who we are slim. So if you need to vent, vent.”

I weigh the pros and cons of actually venting everything to this beautiful stranger. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I decided to say fuck it. The year is almost over anyway, might as well get rid of this baggage and start the year fresh.

“Long story short: after months of quarantining together Axl, my boyfriend of 10 years, cheated on me. The entire time we were in quarantine. With my younger sister, who I let quarantine with us so she wouldn’t be alone and not have to fly back home to be with our parents. And to top it all off, I found out about it on my birthday when I walked in on them fucking each other on my bed.” I take a larger sip of my drink before leaning back and staring back at the virtually starless sky.

“Holy fucking shit,” Colby leans back to join me in looking at the sky.

“Yup! We met in preschool and started dating when we were 13. She’s four years younger than us to that’s annoying.” 

“Not to be that guy, but I don’t know what you expected when you started dating a guy named Axl.”

“… You’re right, that is a pretty douchey name. I literally ignored the biggest red flag in my entire life.”

Colby and I laugh again until it fades. I don’t think I’ve laughed this much, like actually laughed, in months. It feels good. Inside the house, the crowd starts counting down from 15. Colby must have heard it too because I watch him turn his head from the corner of my eye. I turn my head to face him. He really does have beautiful eyes. Like the ocean.

“This may be a dumb idea and I know we don’t know each other, but do you want to be my new years kiss?”

“I may regret this in the future, but what the hell.” We both sit up and adjust our clothes.

It might be risky to just kiss a random stranger at midnight, but who cares. We’re most likely not going to be in each other’s lives after tonight anyway. But by God, I could do much worse than kissing Colby. Unless I’m very drunk and the drunk goggles are seriously fucking with me. It’s not like I’m going home with him, my friends won’t let that happen. Maybe after this party, we’ll go our separate ways and never see each other again. Maybe we’ll run into each other in a random store in LA or at some creator convention.

The drunken yells of party-goers inch closer and closer to midnight.

“Three,” Colby whispers, moving his hair out of his face.

“Two,” I take one more small sip before finally setting my drink down. Colby does the same. My heart is beating a loud, steady rhythm in my chest like it’s about to burst.

“One,” We whisper at the same time before slowly leaning in.

As our lips touch, it felt like time had stopped. The beating intense beating in my heart only intensifies the longer our lips stay pressed together. One of Colby’s hands finds my face why the other reaches for my thigh, but I can only focus on how soft his lips are. My stomach starts forming knots as he tries to deepen the kiss. I don’t know if it’s everything I drank tonight coursing through my veins or the fact that I haven’t been kissed in months, but I slightly part my lips. The mixture of Colby’s scent and his body heat wash over me like they’re intoxicating my senses. The kiss ends just as suddenly as it started. We both pull away and just stare at each other in awe.

“L/N,” I breathe, fixing my hair.

“What?” Colby takes another sip of his drink.

“My last name is L/N.”  

[yuthoe]

Time (MONSTA X: Chae Hyungwon)

a few things:

1. yes i'm a monbebe now too and i fully blame fatal love era hyungwon for it. he has my multistan ass whipped

2. THIS IS THE LONGEST FIC I'VE EVER WRITTEN FOR THIS BLOG HOLY GAWD

3. i'm back to going to the office everyday for work, so we're back to infrequent posting lmao

ok so. i've wanted to write a vampire fic for so long now (the previous/first one i wrote was back in 1st year high school and despite my massive vampire kink i didn't attempt to make any other vamp related stories haha), and when i saw hyungwon in that red suit with the long hair and the eyebags and the turtleneck i just kinda went feral. this thing took me like, almost a month to write; it's been hard to cook up writing brain juice between work and trying to be healthy and keeping up with the pan de manila.

i fully intended for this to be like, sexy suggestive and leading to something more for the ending, but like. it turned out soft. somehow. the premise was perfect, but somehow my brain was like, "no make it soft" and we have whatever this is.

this is unedited bc i wrote it half-asleep and wanted to get it out there

PAIRING: Chae Hyungwon x reader. GENRE: vampire!AU, some fluff, modern fantasy. WARNINGS: vampire-typical injuries—biting, blood—some very mild sexual themes. WORD COUNT: 3,589 (holy shit).

---

The entryway is lit by the two dim overhead lights, casting an orange tint to the concrete floor. You take care to slip your shoes on quietly, not wanting to accidentally wake the slumbering man in the other room; he just got home a few hours ago and you didn’t want to cut his sleep short, remembering how he slowly slipped under the covers with you, winding an arm around your midsection and releasing a heavy breath before passing out.

So with a glance at your watch—the one he got you for your birthday a few years back, the one you’ve worn almost everywhere since—you grab your work bag and try to slip off the chain lock with as little sound as possible.

“Are you leaving for work?”

You flinch at his voice, huskier now with remnants of sleep. Hyungwon has a thing about soundlessly walking into places and surprising you by suddenly speaking. Your face scrunches at your failed attempt to slip out unnoticed, and a loud sigh escapes your lips as you turn to face him.

“How long have you been awake?” you ask, stepping right to the elevated wooden floor that separates the entryway to the living area. Hyungwon is wearing a white shirt that completely swallows his slender frame and loose pajama pants. You cup his soft cheek, drag your hand to his neck, his shoulder, down his arm, until you’re intertwining your fingers.

“Pretty much since you left the bed,” he mumbles, taking his other hand and wrapping it around you, pulling you to his chest. You feel him rest his face on the top of your head and breathe in your scent.

“Aw,” you reply quietly, smoothing a hand down his back. “And I thought I was being super quiet this time.”

There’s comfortable silence as Hyungwon basks in your warmth and you can swear he’s close to falling asleep where he stands. You think there’s no other place you’d want to be right now, but unfortunately, you need to work and he needs to sleep.

You let go of the strap on your bag and tap his side gently. “I have to go,” you murmur.

Hyungwon groans, lowers his head and tilts it to the side to whisper directly into your ear. “Do you really have to? Because there’s something more important you need to do here.” He noses at your temple, his cold breath fanning against your ear.

“Oh? And what is that?” It’s too early in the day for goosebumps, and the faster you force him back to bed, the better your chances of resisting the sweet pull of his voice.

“Mmm…,” he groans again, and you feel his smile as he kisses your ear. “Sleep.”

You snort, pulling away with a soft smile, free hand coming to cup his face. You pass your thumb over his cheekbone and watch as he melts at your touch, dark bangs falling over his closed eyes. “I’ll be home early today, love,” you say, pressing a soft kiss to his plump lips.

Hyungwon’s eyes open unhurried, and he leans down to return the peck, lips moving slow against yours like honey. “Hurry back,” he mumbles against your lips.

***

A quiet sigh leaves his lips as Hyungwon toes off his shoes, leaving them at their designated space at the entrance. He hangs his bag and coat on the hooks before silently walking through the apartment to the bathroom, eager to scrub himself clean of the aggravating scents and grime of the club.

Hyungwon loves his job, he does. The people he interacts with there, though? Still up for debate.

The hot, almost scalding water seeps into his skin, warming him up from the outside. He’s used to the cold, he himself being below the normal human temperature for nearly a century now. The droplets sting a little, but it’s the pain that grounds Hyungwon to reality, a sort of proof of life in his years of floating along the endless river of time, never knowing when and where his journey would end.

There’s another pain, a burning in his throat, that reminds him well of his immortality. It assaults him every few days, and over the years has dulled from hurting so bad he nearly claws out his neck, to just being a pain in the ass that makes him cough if he doesn’t slake the thirst.

Hyungwon’s body cools rapidly when he shuts off the water, the soft April chill helping it along so that he’s mostly dry when he grabs his towel.

The bedroom is silent when he slips in, quickly dressing in the huge shirt and loose pants from yesterday, before he ducks out again to make a beeline to the kitchen, folding his tall frame into a crouch as he opens the refrigerator. There’s a space just for his blood bags in the far corner of the fridge, that he immediately scans and finds empty. Hyungwon groans and slaps a hand over his face.

Of course he forgets to stop by the blood bank tonight. He vaguely remembers taking the last bag four days ago and making a mental note to call Kihyun for his refills, but there must have been something that distracted him at the time because at present, he can’t recall contacting Kihyun about it at all, despite exchanging messages regularly.

He stands to his full height as he closes the door, leans his head against it as he mulls over his forgetfulness that never went away in all his years of living. And before he slips back into your bedroom and into the sweet realm of sleep, he rummages in his bag for his phone, texts his friend, gets a short scolding about his poor memory, and then sets a date to pick up his food.

Hyungwon quietly pads back to the bedroom and closes the door soundlessly, careful not to wake you. He slides in next to you, pulling the comforter snug against him as he rests on his elbows. He takes a few seconds to gaze at your sleeping figure, something he does every night. The random thought of coming off as creepy on the off chance you wake up runs through his head, but at the same time he thinks he wouldn’t mind if you catch him watching you sleep.

You know Hyungwon loves you, and he’s told you before that you’re one of his anchors to his hold on humanity. Never once in your two-year relationship did you take his vulnerability for granted, and he’s (quite literally) eternally grateful for your kindness and love.

He settles in on his side, and his shuffling has got you adjusting to his shape under the covers. Hyungwon feels you turn to face him and reach for his arm. You groan small, pull at his slender limb to wrap it around you, and he just lets you move him the way you want, an amused smile on his face. His other arm slides beneath your neck, and you nuzzle closer to him, breathing deep when you’re finally satisfied. He counts five seconds before your breaths even out in slumber.

Hyungwon presses a kiss to the crown of your head and inhales your scent, relaxed now and ready to follow you into sleep.

***

His alarm wakes him at noon, the shrill tone making him jerk and tighten his arm around the warm body in front of him, brows scrunching as he groans softly. Hyungwon stretches an arm towards the nightstand and turns off the alarm with an expert swipe of a finger. He buries his nose into your hair, not wanting to enter the land of the living yet. You respond with a hum, shifting and turning so your back is pressed against his chest.

You both try to doze off again before Hyungwon realizes two things:

One—It’s a Friday.

Two—You’re still in his arms.

“Love,” he mumbles against your hair.

You reply around five seconds later, with a simple grunt.

Hyungwon snorts a laugh, eyes still closed, but mind slowly waking with every passing second. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

Another grunt from you, this time louder and longer. You shuffle under the sheets to turn to him again, eyes persistently closed and brows knit slightly. “Took the day off,” you mumble and slither your arm under his, scooting closer to bury your face in his neck. “Wanted to spend some time with you.”

At this Hyungwon smiles, rests his cheek on your head. “So we have until tomorrow night to do whatever then.”

It’s quiet for a few moments before your head shoots up. The movement startles Hyungwon and makes his eyes pop open. Bleary eyes meet, yours equal parts confused and suspicious. “What do you mean? You took the night off, too? But it’s Friday—the club’s gonna be packed.”

He levels you with a casual shrug. “Yeah,” he says, sliding his hand up your arm that’s around him, and stopping at your neck. His large hand completely covers your neck, long fingers splaying onto your cheek and winding into your hair. “I wanted to spend time with you, too.” He clears his throat. “I’ve missed you.” Hyungwon can feel the steady pulse under your skin and he clears his throat again.

You smile, lean down to press a sweet kiss to his lips.

And another one.

And another.

And you would have rained more kisses on him had he not started coughing and turned his head away. The ache in Hyungwon’s throat wasn’t that bad when he was asleep, but now that he’s awake, it’s irritating to the point of annoyance. He knows the thirst is his fault, but damn, would it kill him if he could have a peaceful morning (noon) with you before his body complains about being hungry?

He feels a hand smoothing down his back as the coughing goes down. He takes shaky breaths as he sits up and leans on the headboard. After a big exhale from him, you say, “Are you okay?”

Hyungwon looks at you and smiles tightly. “I’m fine. Just a bit hungry.” He sits up, only to scoot closer to you and wind an arm around your back. He rests his forehead on your shoulder as he talks, voice low and scratchy. “Ran out of my supply and I forgot to call Kihyun about it, and it’s been a few days since I had a drink. And it’ll be a couple more days before I can stop by the blood bank for my refills.” A cough.

Your arms are around his wiry frame, fingers running up and down his spine and making him drowsy. He’s still tired and sleepy, but the thirst is keeping him awake.

“Do you want a drink?” you ask quietly. “From me?”

Hyungwon stills, a shiver running down his spine. It’s not all the time he gets to drink from you; in fact, he makes it a point to not do it because he doesn’t want to scare you off. You’ve been living together for six months, known each other for years before that, but he still worries, silently waiting for the day you decide that being with a vampire isn’t worth it after all.

“No, it’s fine,” he says. “I’m fine.” He pushes down the cough building in his throat.

You card your fingers through his long hair. “I know you try not to, but I’m okay with it. You sound like you’re really hurting.” You rest your head against his. “We’ve done it before, and it didn’t really hurt. And I trust you, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon is tired. Is sleepy. The thirst isn’t all that bad, but the coughing is aggravating his already dry throat. He hasn’t gotten a sip of blood in five days and nothing else could quench this particular thirst quite as well.

A small cough. “Are you sure?”

Your head is still resting on his and he feels you nod. “Yeah. Besides, I…” You clear your throat before speaking. “I like it when you drink from me.”

The vampire freezes, not quite knowing what to do with this newly revealed information. He’s not sure if what he feels right now is mild lust or genuine surprise. In the (very) rare times he drinks from you he thought he saw a twinkle of anticipation in your eyes, like you’ve been craving it, too. He thinks maybe his view of himself is clouding whatever opinion you have of him, bad and good alike.

Hyungwon’s lips purse, trying to keep himself from laughing because he can tell you’re serious about this, just as worried about him as you are excited about the prospect of being bitten; it’s still a bit unbelievable. He finally raises his head and looks square at you.

“You’re really okay with this?” he asks again. “You really want me to drink from you?” He crosses his legs under the blankets and pulls you with the arm still around your back.

Sometimes you forget Hyungwon is so strong—he doesn’t make his strength known to you, unless you both need it a little rough in bed. Now, he practically lifts you onto his lap, emboldened by your declaration. You straddle him, sitting snugly with both his arms around you; your hands naturally find themselves on his broad shoulders.

“Mhm,” you simply say, nodding your head. Adrenaline is running through your veins, and you’re sure Hyungwon can clearly hear how loud and fast your heart is beating right now.

It also seems like he can read your mind because he takes one of his hands and rests it softly against your chest, right over your heart.

You see him swallow. “Your heart is beating so fast,” he says, dragging his hand up to your neck, fingers soft on your skin, and you shiver. “Your pulse is racing.” Hyungwon is looking at you like you’re a meal he can’t wait to devour. “You’re really excited about this, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” you say, even though you don’t really know if what you’re feeling is excitement or embarrassment or lust of fear. You can’t recall any of the previous times he fed from you being this tense—it was always out of desperation and pain that he reached out to you for this, and despite this moment being along the same lines, it’s… very different.

The loose collar of your sweater—one of his you pilfered long ago—is pulled to the side, and you shiver again as his fingertip brushes against your skin. Goosebumps raise on your arms as Hyungwon trails that single finger over your collarbone, up your neck again, to cup your chin and pull you in for a kiss.

His lips are gentle, but you can feel he’s holding back, trying to take it slow in case you change your mind. When you respond and bite his lip, he growls and pulls you by the back of the head to kiss you deeper. The arm around your back tightens, and you feel his fingers tangle in your hair as he angles your head the way he wants.

Tiny moans spill from your lips as Hyungwon’s tongue explores your mouth. When he pulls away, your sight is flooded with his red irises, gold specks swimming in the pool of his eyes that almost glow in the dark room. So chillingly beautiful.

You’re breathing hard, unable to look away from Hyungwon’s captivating gaze. A thought passes through: No wonder humans just fall at their feet—who could look away from such a mesmerizing sight?

“Last chance,” he mutters, wetting his plump bottom lip, his scarlet eyes fixed on your neck. “You really want this?”

You card your fingers through his head and tilt his face up, dropping a kiss to his closed eyes, his nose, his pretty lips. You cup his cheek and give him a small smile. “Do it.”

Hyungwon takes a deep breath and kisses your cheek, trails his lips to nip your earlobe, and then lower… He goes slow, building up your anticipation, getting your heart rate up with every kiss and nip and suck.

He laves his tongue over a spot on your neck, and you let out a sigh, relaxing in Hyungwon’s firm hold. The hand still tangled in your hair guides you, tilting your head to the side. He noses at your neck and gives you a final soft kiss, before he draws his fangs and punctures your jugular.

You squeak in pain; the bite stings, but it goes away as fast as it came. You feel Hyungwon draw back his fangs and begin to suck, dragging his tongue over the wounds, and groaning low in his throat at the sweet taste of you.

It occurs to him how much he misses feeding from you. Because of the rarity of these occasions, your blood becomes a treat to him, a sort of delicacy that he deliberately denies himself of. It didn’t take him too long after that first taste of you long ago, to realize that your blood is dangerously addicting.

Hyungwon focuses on drinking your blood, drinking in the small moans you make as he marks your soft skin. He feels your restless hands clawing at his back, the other winding through his long hair—pulling him close or pushing him away, you don’t know.

Your senses are heightened and dulled; you’re acutely aware of every miniscule movement of Hyungwon’s lips on your neck, but the rest of your body feels like it’s floating. He groans against your skin and the vibrations send a jolt of lightning up your spine and you whimper.

Hyungwon immediately pulls back, worried he hurt you. His mouth is stained red. “Are you okay?”

You’re nodding before he finishes, cupping his cheek with a hand. “I’m fine, Hyungwon.” You give him a small smile as he melts into your hand, one of his coming up to keep it there. “Did you want more?”

He shakes his head. “I’m feeling better now. Thank you, love.” He exhales, and you think he does look better than earlier—his skin is brighter, the bags under his eyes are gone, and he’s even breathing more easily. “Let me go clean you up,” he says, and lifts you gently off him, setting you down on the soft comforter just in front of him. He pats your knee before getting up and padding to the bathroom.

You gaze at him as he leaves, the sight of his model-like figure waddling like a penguin amusing. Hyungwon stops at the door and turns to you, smiling at you softly.

He returns a minute later, warm damp washcloth in hand, mouth clean and eyes a lovely brown. He sits at the edge of the bed and cleans your neck with gentle swipes. The bleeding has stopped and the wound is closed, but the surrounding skin is blooming with black and purple bruises. Hyungwon clicks his tongue. “I’m sorry, love. The bite’s gonna leave a mark.”

You carefully tap the wounds, smoothing fingertips over the raised marks. They sting a bit, but it feels more like the soreness after getting a vaccine shot than anything. “It’s okay, love. They’ll heal over the weekend.” You catch his lips in a soft kiss. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

He sets the bloody rag on the nightstand and moves closer to you, kissing you back, cradling your neck for support as he coaxes you to lie on the bed. You smile through the kiss, giggle as you wind your arms around his neck.

“Thank you,” he mumbles against your lips. “You looked so beautiful earlier… Thank you for letting me do that.”

You hum. “Anytime, you need, babe. I enjoyed it.”

Hyungwon is propped above you, a thigh slotted between yours. Lazy, slow kisses against the soft sheets seems like the perfect activity for the rest of the day. But you have other plans.

“I gotta admit, though,” you said, brushing his long bangs from his eyes. “That was… kinda hot.” You try to fight a smile, embarrassed at the admission, despite the compromising position you were in just minutes before.

Hyungwon chuckles, ducks his head to press a soft kiss to the puncture marks, the underside of your jaw, your earlobe. “I didn’t expect you to be so into it,” he whispers, his baritone voice seeping into your bones and making you shudder.

You laugh loud at that. “Well, my boyfriend is a hot vampire, what did you think was gonna happen?”

Hyungwon laughs with you, rests his forehead on yours and kisses you again. He buries his face into your neck, the unmarked side, and snakes his arms around your back and rolls you to your sides.

Fingers trace mindless shapes on his back, play with his long hair that’s tangled from your restless hands earlier, relax in the quiet of the afternoon. Your heads are at the foot of the bed, legs tangled together. From the top of Hyungwon’s head, you can just barely see the sun peeking through a slit between the dark curtains, but all you want to do is sleep.

You’re close to dozing off when Hyungwon suddenly speaks. Three words. Your favorite.

“I love you.” He squeezes you slightly and breathes in your scent.

You smile and reply, “I love you, too.”

The world outside your window keeps turning; the weather looks nice today. But you’re not stepping out, not when your whole world is right here, snuggled in your arms.

[talkfantasytome]

Going to delete ask posts that directly linked other people's posts, based on this feedback and suggestion (which I thoroughly appreciate!), as I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone or directly tell a specific person they're wrong. I'll repost the general content, with a summary of what was asked, starting with this post.

Anon Ask: Some people are saying that SJM has confirmed Vassien by saying that she'd like to do retellings of firebird legends, swan lake, and Vasilisa the Beautiful, using some shots of her comments. What are your thoughts on this? And the time on facebook that Sarah said E\ain and Lucien have a lot of "tension, growth, and healing to be found (together)".

The most important thing to consider here is timeline. Both of the twitter shown were made in April of 2015. The first one is, honestly, fairly irrelevant. First of all, she's just saying fairy tales she might like to retell. And, for the record, she has also said she'd like to do a retelling of The Little Mermaid, yet often people disregard that as an argument for Gwynriel. So, either her comments on what she'd like to do a retelling of matter, or they don't.

And, if they're saying that those comments are foreshadowing a Vassa + Lucien book, then clearly The Little Mermaid comments are foreshadowing a Gwynriel book. And then...where's E\ain's?

E\ain is getting a book, so which fairy tale gets the short straw?

Or, maybe, the story won't be exactly like the fairy tale.

I do think that both of those comments are important, but Sarah said she wants to do a retelling.

That could literally mean anything. All that tells us is that she will take themes and ideas from the story. I'm not saying Vassa won't be important in a later book, but Sarah can retell the story any way. She could have Vassa betray E\ain, get Koschei to transfer the curse over to the middle Archeron, and now E\ain is the swan on the lake (cause, come on, E\ain's def. a bit swan-like), and Lucien has to rescue her. Or, maybe Jurian is the one that rescues Vassa while Lucien and E\ain deal with Koschei?

There are so many options in a retelling that to say SJM telling us she wants to do a retelling of these stories is a clear sign that Vassa + Lucien are endgame is, honestly, not a very critical analysis.

I'm going to address this tweet next:

This twitter exchange happed April 30, 2015. ACOMAF was published in May of 2016. This post can not be used as foreshadowing of Vassa + Lucien, because it happened before we found out E\ain and Lucien are mates. That "at some point further down the road" literally means "any time after book 1".

People keep using this tweet and presenting it as if Sarah's response came recently. They're spreading misinformation - it may not be purposeful, they may not have seen or noticed the date, but this twitter exchange can't be used as proof that Lucien's person has to be someone other than E\ain, because when it was made we did not know about the Lucien and E\ain possibility.

That doesn't mean it definitely is talking about E\ain, but my point is that this is not proof of Vassa + Lucien, of someone else + Lucien, because of when it was posted.

As for other comments on retellings Sarah would like to do - it's the same argument as the first one. Sarah said she wants to do a retelling of the firebird and swan like. We all know this. It's not new information. People who are saying Vassa + Lucien won't happen aren't ignorant of this fact. We're well aware, and we're also well aware of every other thing Sarah has said, mentioned, foreshadowed, and we're tying it all together. Focusing solely on stories Sarah has mentioned she'd like to retell - not confirmed she will retell - and ignoring everything else doesn't provide a solid analysis. You have to weave how those stories would fit into the grander scheme, and look at the other surrounding factors as well.

And, again, we need to remember that Sarah can do whatever the hell she wants in terms of the story and how she chooses to retell a fairy tale. I mean, how often is Little Red Riding Hood turned into a werewolf story? And sometimes even Red is the wolf?

Writers use fairy tales as a base, a foundation, but then they make it their own. No writer is going to tell the fairy tale exactly how it first was. They're going to adjust it...a lot...to make it their own story.

I'd also like to point out that both times she mentions Vasilisa, she says "Vasilisa the Beautiful". The first time she also said 'the Brave', but the second, solely 'Beautiful'. Vassa is beautiful, of course, but one of E\ain's defining characteristics is her beauty. Even in ACOSF it was again mentioned, discussed, about how her beauty made others hate her.

Could Vassa be Vasilisa...of course. However, I think people are a bit blinded by the similarities in names. Remember, Vasilisa the Beautiful wasn't the firebird - those are different stories. And, honestly, after doing a bit of research into the tale, I'm starting to get more and more sure of the thought that the character who would portray Vasilisa is E\ain.

I think I'm going to do a post on it...

In the later comment on retellings she'd like to do - which we know came after the first as the first came out in August 2015 and that story she's telling was given after the second set of books was confirmed - I also find it interesting that she said Vasilisa the Beautiful (specifically) and Swan Lake, subbing out the firebird.

Why would she do that? Perhaps because she's already brought in the firebird pieces she planned to bring in. We already know that retelling, and how it's come to play. Vassa is a firebird by the curse.

I'm not saying it couldn't end in a Swan Lake thing, as that is what the curse reminds me of. But, personally, I think the fact that she's saying Swan Lake now is also symbolic of something more, possibly another character getting trapped by Koschei.

As for the other piece you asked about, I don't have much to say about it, because it feels like the closest we'll come to an elucien confirmation.

That was also posted a while ago, back when ACOMAF came out. So, it's not like this is recent information Sarah is providing us. However, we know that Sarah can sometimes end up choosing endgame based on gut and things that just hit her. Cassian and Nesta - literally didn't know about them until she wrote them on the same page and was like "oh shit". So Sarah saying that she and Lucien didn't see E\ain coming...I'm sorry, but that feels almost more telling than even the next part of the sentence - where she says they have growing and healing to do together.

That's so huge. And we haven't seen that yet. We've only really seen the tension.

Sarah said this back when ACOMAF came out. And it was around writing or publishing ACOWAR that she got the okay for the second set of books (I think?). Which means she was likely thinking about the longer-term stories before that. Which would explain why we didn't get that growth and healing in ACOWAR.

Instead, she left them in a spot where it seemed like a possibility, and then for the later books has just added more tension. But that journey is still there. She's had it planned for so long. And yes, maybe she could change her mind, but we only know of two cases where she did just that:

Az and Mor

Nesta and Lucien

For Az and Mor it was because she decided to make Mor bisexual and unable to be in an emotional relationship with a male. This was due to complaints over diversity. It's the closest Sarah's probably come to 'fanservice' - except, admittedly, this is so not fanservice. Fanservice is doing something like, say, having Voldemort and Bellatrix have a secret love child despite the fact that Voldy never once came off as having any form of romantic or sexual feelings for her or anyone, ever. (Seriously, that guy was asexual and that is a hill I'll die on.)

Adjusting a character due to legitimate complaints and concerns on diversity, not just fanservice. It's more a full on social service, really, to try and provide that representation better. Yes, it wasn't done in the best way, but she did make an attempt.

The second one - Nesta and Lucien. That was her general plan, until she put Nesta and Cassian on page together. Then it all went out the window. Just like all of Nesta's thoughts when she saw Cassian. Just like Cassian's entire brain when he saw Nesta. 👀

And we get it, because we see it too.

So, while Sarah could have changed her mind about E\ain and Lucien, the only reasons she'd do that don't yet apply. She's already made a change for the diversity complaints, and I don't see her doing that with these two. As for finding out they actually belong with someone else when she sees them on page - well, that hasn't happened yet. She made the E\ain + Lucien decision after we see E\ain and Azriel interact, so clearly Az is not that for E\ain. And we've seen Lucien and Vassa on page together. There's nothing there except Lucien being pained about her curse - which, yeah, she's his friend. How often is one IC member described as looking pained for another? Or thinks about how much it hurt them to see their friend hurt?

But we know what it looks like when the chemistry is so undeniable it will adjust Sarah's plans. And if you're not sure - go back and read all the Nessian scenes in ACOMAF. And then see the one scene where Lucien and Vassa are on page together - I think you'll find there's another male there that, with Vassa, rings closer to the Nessian home.

There was no on page chemistry between Vassa and Lucien, and certainly not enough to change Sarah's mind. Which would also mean E\ain already wasn't meant for Az, which is likely why no one arguing for Vassa + Lucien seems to care as much about that, because most people who ship them are already dead set on E\ain + Azriel.

So, there you have it, my point of view/rant on those two pieces. But it's always important to look at the context of a post, and especially the "source material" people use to provide proof. It's why I tend to stick to the text where I can, and only use SJM statements that don't have an expiration date to their importance. SJM saying something about how she loves happily ever afters, for example, no expiration date. SJM telling us in 2015 that there is someone special for Lucien down the road - an expiration date after the first sign of a possible love interest for Lucien. Once E\ain was declared to be his mate, that statement became irrelevant, because regardless of whether it will be E\ain or not, you can no longer state that it's clearly hinting at someone else, since E\ain is a love interest for Lucien.

[stxrrywildflower]

can’t help falling in love (two)

pairing - george weasley x reader

summary - you invite george to be your date to your sisters wedding

warnings - mentions of family/home issues

word count - 1.9k

series masterlist

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

traveling by the floo was always a surprise.

you’ve only ever used the system twice in the past; both times being to get from your home to the weasley’s. you almost always ended up there during the different breaks scattered throughout the year.

it only took a few seconds for you to reach your desired destination, the floo usually worked okay with minimal issues.

you stepped out of the fireplace first, feet hitting the living room hard as you stumbled slightly.

george made his way out right after you. his lanky body made it a little more difficult for him to get out of the sizeably smaller fireplace than the one back at school.

“blimey love, you okay?”

“i’m here on one piece so i guess so,” you answered. “you?”

“same,” george replied.

it took a few moments for you and george to adjust to your surroundings before you could actually take in everything.

you were alone in your living room, no one occupying any of the various chairs or couches. the rest of the house was quiet as well. a wave of confusion washed over you. where was your entire family?

“what’s this?” george asked. your bags had been abandoned on the floor the second george had noticed the various muggle trinkets and machinery around the room.

“that’s a television georgie, we watch programs on it. i can show you later if you want,” you offered. george beamed at your response, already jumping up to look at the next item.

of course he still didn’t notice the very apparent lack of people.

but it was still pretty sweet to see him so excited over the things you grew up with. it was no secret arthur was into muggle tech but seeing the interest spark in george was something special.

“merlin, is this baby you?” george held up one of the framed photos that normally sat on the bookshelf. you snatched it away from him in an instant. “yeah no you aren’t seeing that,” you answered. george held his smile to himself. “i’m sure your mum will show me some later.”

commotion was clearly heard from the outside of your home just as you set the photo back down.

“come on, i think my family’s in the backyard,” you informed george. “but uh just be warned, they can be a bit much, my sister especially.”

george nodded. “i’ll be nice but if they say anything rude, i’ll slip them a puking pastille fred and i made.”

you smiled at that. “thanks georgie.”

“so, are you ready to head out? or do you want to see some more things in here?”

george took note right away of your stalling. there was a strong guarantee that the second he gave his answer, no matter yes or no, you would retaliate with something else   

“do you have a bathroom i can use really quick?” george figured that it would be most beneficial for you to go out alone before he was introduced, especially due to his affiliation as your date.

“yeah i can take you there now,” you spoke before adding a “someone’s got a weak bladder.” he rolled his eyes at your joke.

george followed you around the house like a lost puppy. he didn’t know where to go or the layout of the home and certainly didn’t want to leave your side. you promised him a tour later once everything calmed down.

“bathroom’s right here. meet me outside when your finished.”

you then maneuvered your way down the hallway until you reached the door leading to the outside.

“hello,” you spoke as you stepped out, already fiddling with your hands out of pure nervousness.

“y/n!” your family had exclaimed once they saw you.

you stepped out onto the deck alone, shifting slightly uncomfortably under all of their gazes.

your mum and dad were the first ones up. you accepted their only slightly awkward hugs before leaning back against the railing once more. your grandfather was next, his expression a lot more excited. he was always a lot more comfortable with the magic thing, he had married another witch after all.

“cressida, greet your sister,” your mum had spoken to your sister  

“of course she’s in her school uniform. couldn’t even change for the occasion could you?” your sister spat without warning.

“good to see you too cress,” you mumbled as you looked down at your attire. since you and george had come directly from school, you still had to use your uniforms when taking the floo. as much as you wanted to say her sudden words were a shock, they really weren’t.

“where’s grammy?” you questioned.

“out at the store,” your grandfather answered. “she’ll be back soon i’m sure. i know she’s buzzing to see you.”

a smile passed over your face at that just as the entire group outside went quiet once more. you were not about to start a conversation nor did anyone else make the first initiatation.

“so y/n,” your dad started. “how’s school going?”

“oh no dad i don’t think we should talk about-” you were cut off by the door opening. you let out a breath. ‘saved by the bell’ you thought to yourself.

george stepped out on the deck, greeting you with a warm smile before making his way over to where you stood. his hand snakes around you to rest on the railing.

“everyone, this is george,” you introduced, motioning for him to step forward. “george this is my mum, dad, grandfather, and then cressida or the bride-to-be.”

george shook each of their hands respectfully. you were already quirking your eyebrow at his sudden manners. usually by now someone had some prank played on them, especially when george met new people.

“so this is the boy you brought home. i’m so glad to meet my daughters boyfriend,” your mom beamed. “we don’t know a lot about her life at school but i’m glad to finally be meeting you. how long have you two been together?”

you paled. not once did you think your family would assume the two of you were together. you didn’t even prep or have time to make up a story.

george smirked at your near panicked expression. “since the beginning of this year. so that’s what, seven months? but we’ve been friends since first year,” he answered cooley.

you faked a yawn, wanting to get out of the conversation before your mum could come up with questions george couldn’t answer off the top of his head.

“oh dear, you two must be exhausted from your trip. you two are upstairs in your old bedroom. everything’s already ready with your bedsheets and setup. feel free to take a nap before dinner tonight.”

“thank you mrs. y/l/n,” george thanked before turning to you. “ready to go love?”

you nodded, “yeah let’s go.”

the two of you headed back inside. george stopped back in the living room to pick up your bags before meeting you again. he followed you up the stairs and down the hall towards you room which, thankfully, was away from the other rooms on the floor giving you at least a little bit of privacy.

“i hope you don’t mind sharing a bed,” you spoke as you twisted the doorknob.

“you’re joking,” george groaned when he saw the room. “how are we supposed to fit?”

“george come on, it’s fine. this bed is barely bigger than a twin, i’m sure we can squeeze. it’s not the first time we’ve shared anyway.”

“not the first time?”

you took your bag out of george’s hands and placed it in the corner. normally you wouldn’t unpack for such a short weekend but you abe clothes that needed to be hung up to prevent wrinkles.

“don’t you remember the burrow last break?” you questioned. “you and fred almost blew up your room and then molly kicked you out so your room could air out. take a guess where you ended up.”

george grinned at the memory. “ah yeah i remember that. we did make some really good whiz-bangs though. and hey, we only shared because you were sleeping in percy’s old room and he has a bigger bed. when was the second time?”

“after hogsmeade,” you answered. “you thought it would be so funny to push me into the snow only to realize way too late that it was a half-frozen puddle and i got soaked.”

“and then you sat in between fred and i by the fire to warm up,” george finished the story. “yeah that was funny.”

you rolled your eyes. “maybe you should unpack instead of dwelling on my suffering.”

“alright sounds good, girlfriend,” george made sure to add extra emphasis on the final word.

“don’t think you’re off the hook for what you did.”

“and what is that exactly?”

you let out a huff, throwing the shirt you were folding down. it was beyond annoying that george was completely going around the situation.

“george, what were you thinking? i didn’t even think my family would conclude that we were together. why would you say we were dating? seriously, in what world would that be a good idea to tell them that. merlin, everything’s already going wrong.”

“love it’s fine, trust me.”

“it really isn’t,” you groaned, moving your hands up to run through your hair.

“why is this such a problem to you? babes, you invited me to be your date.”

of course george was already starting on the pet names. “don’t you think this is a little weird? i mean what if there’s mistletoe?” you questioned.

george broke out in a short fit of laughter. you frowned, visibly upset at your friends approach to the situation.

“it’s the middle of april. i doubt there’s going to be any mistletoe. besides, we only have to play the part for less then three days. we won’t do anything that makes each other uncomfortable, okay?”

you nodded. you had to admit, george’s words did bring you some comfort. “alright fine, but don’t expect anything from me.”

“well what about cuddling? i mean we are sharing a bed after all.”

you threw a shirt at him. “we’ll talk later weasley. i still need to explain how a muggle wedding works.”

you and george unpacked in sync while you went over everything he would need to know for the weekend.

he seemed to get everything with minimal questions. george seemed especially excited about the wedding reception.

“wait so i need a suit?”

“yeah but i already have you covered. my dad has something that’s your size,” you explained. “what about your dress?” george asked.

“oh don’t worry about that, it’s a surprise,” you beamed. “cress and i aren’t close enough for me to be in her bridal party so i can pretty much wear what i want.”

george nodded. “sounds good. what’s the plan for today and tomorrow again?”

“we have dinner at eight with my entire family tonight. my sisters fiancé jasper will be there too. he’s a lot nicer than her and actually understands, to an extent, me being a witch,” you spoke. “and then we have to be at the wedding venue by four tomorrow and the reception starts at nine.”

“is your grandmother going to be at dinner tonight? i haven’t seen her in awhile.”

you hummed. “oh yeah she’ll be thrilled to see you. don’t be surprised if she mixes you up with fred though.”

george shrugged, a slight frown on his face. “eh it’s fine. it happens all the time.”

a genuine yawn escaped your lips after he finished his thought. “tired?” george inquired. “i didn’t really sleep well last night, too stressed,” you revealed.

“why don’t you lay down and rest for a bit. i have something to work on in the meantime,” george offered. you raised your eyebrows. “and what is that?”

“just a new prank. i don’t want to give too much away but it’s going to be really good.”

you shrugged. “okay, just don’t blow up my room please,” you added. you shrugged off your robes, folding them up to place in your suitcase as you grabbed a pair of more casual clothes.

“i’ll be right back, i’m going to get changed.”

you returned a moment later, tossing the rest of your uniform in your suitcase. “comfy?” george asked, motioning down to your new attire. “very,” you answered as you headed over to the bed.

george leaned down to press his lips to your temple after you got under the covers. “sleep well love.”

your cheeks flushed at the platonic gesture. “thank you.”

george waited a few minutes before he looked at you again, feeling an overwhelming sense of protectiveness as you slept. you were his best friend. it wasn’t strange to feel like that...right?

⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢

tagging: @goldenxreid @wilburxpancakes @blakeprentiss @criminaly-supernatural @blakes-dictionxry @mrs-dr-reid @weasleytwinsfav

[straighttohellbuddy]

📓 !!

Okay im so excited please know I think about How The Light Gets In's world every day still, and so anyways here is a side story I want to write but there's a lot of set up regarding the reader and eef becoming friends again. For context, they were incredibly close around 2014-2017, but people were getting creepy and invasive and demanding about their friendship (think 2012 toxic side of the Phandom, if that makes sense), and a lot of the reader's relationships were strained at that time because while they had been successful before, they were absolutely blowing up after their first album released and they became far more mainstream. They felt like they were bothering the people they had become closest to, both because they're worried that they're a bother, and because gossip rags and paps would harrass their friends looking for a scoop, and so they ended up just completely cutting off contact without warning one day right before they went on their first tour. the start of HTLGI is about 3 years since they'd been in proper contact with any of the creators they were close to at that time.

DON'T LOOK AT ME on their 2017 ep Hyperfocus was a more general song in response to everything that had been happening in their life around that time, with a focus on how they stop associating with anyone for a while, without outright addressing it, but on their latest album n o s t a l g i a, read at 5am ft. Troye was specifically written at the start of quarantine, when the reader was getting back into YouTube, about their feelings regarding how their friendship with ethan ended, as they spent a lot of this time looking back of their YouTube career, and he was the person they were closest to for a very long time, before they iced everyone out.

OKAY SO THERES MORE OF THE BACKGROUND OF THE WHOLE FIC AND THE READER BUT

Werewolf Ethan & Mark. I'm sorry I don't make the rules. They have golden retriever energy you cannot change my mind. But also because this is the HTLGI you know that supernatural characteristics are able to be activated rather than just triggered by the full moon. What I'm trying to say is since this is set in the year of Unus Annus, they film a video together that's like, you know that show where a person has to try and outwit a professional tracker? Except its the reader being tracked by two werewolves at night in a national park. Reader is wearing some sort of night vision camera on themselves so whenever it cuts to them the audience can't actually see how they're using their powers, if that makes sense.

Also the reader agreed to this knowing it would probably be when they ended up telling Mark and Ethan about them being a demon.

Video is titled Hunting Down An Old Friend

A few Moments that the boys edit out:

The reader using their stupidly sharp prehensile tail to swing from tree branches, though they leave in shots where the reader's tail can't be seen.

Knowing that with the werewolves having advanced hearing, the reader would give themselves away by talking to the camera, they take a few minutes having flown up to a high tree branch, to pull out a notebook and do a little sketch of how Mark and Ethan appear in their Demon True Sight, and holding it up to their camera.

Werewolves being one of the animals who can kind of sense demons without being able to identify them, essentially like dogs can sense natural disasters and are often good judges of character, this can be heightened on command for werewolves. There's about 15 minutes of footage cut out of the boys discussing or mentioning how this place has awful vibes and that they should have done this during the day. It gets worse as they get closer to the reader, who didn't realise that the boys hadn't thought to ever use that particular power around them before.

("I say this with so much love and appreciation for you, dude," Ethan yells, looking up at you from the base of the tree they'd finally found you in, "but I- this is making me anxious I feel like something terrible's gonna happen, and we should probably get out of here and film the rest of the video back at Mark's." And behind him, Mark's nodding, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, eyes scanning the trees for whatever was most likely the cause of this terrible impending doom.

Oh. It's you. And they don't know its you.

Now or never, you suppose.

"Can you cut the cameras for a second? You're going to be fine I promise," you called back, and though they obligingly did, they both seemed antsy. You cleared your throat awkwardly, "that... that terrible feeling, that's not the park or anything in it- well I mean, it is, but it's just- it's me."

and later

"Dude your wings smell like rotten eggs."

"To YOU Ethan! And no they don't!"

"If it makes you feel better they smell like burning and rotten eggs."

"It does not."

(for reference, when enhancing their sense of smell werewolves can kind of distinguish various supernatural creatures, or parts of supernatural creatures. Some creatures have an inherent scent, but some, like angels and demons, only have distinct scents when they've activated certain attributesor abilities; demon wings smell like fire and brimstone, which unfortunately means burning and rotten eggs. I like to think angels wings are like the love potion in Harry Potter that smells like the things you love the most. Mark and Ethan usually don't enhance it around each other because they smell like wet dog to the other)

This gets about 2k notes on tumblr. The reader likes it:

Ethan finally finding Y/N at the end of Hunting Down An Old Friend (2020) Colourised.

Other things to note regarding all this:

It takes a while to rebuild their friendship to the point where they're comfortable enough to be on camera together (eef and reader specifically).

However, the Unus Annus video is the first thing they properly do together, and the reader, in an effort to connect more and make up for the past, will join in multiplayer gaming streams if asked.

Impromptu duet in proximity Among Us of Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy, which has their respective chats and fandoms losing their minds, except it stops abruptly after the first chorus as they both remember the opening lines of the second verse (make it easy, say I never mattered -- those lyrics hit a little too close to home)

But also the reader convinces him to join him for a proper cover in like, February of 2021, and it's something deeply sappy (I'm thinking Bon Iver by mxmtoon because I think its sweet and fits them well)

Also Ethan being reminded that the reader is kind of a much bigger deal than when they'd been friends before.

designed to hurt (touch me) from their ep Working On It is nominated for a Grammy for Track of the Year, and n o s t a l g i a wins Best Pop Album (because it's my fic and I said so)

FIRST OF ALL designed to hurt (touch me) is a beautifully produced song about Corpse (which people do not know) and the title itself is literally making fun of something he said IMAGINE his reaction to it being Grammy Nominated 😂😂😂 God he'd be proud but lowkey fuming, meanwhile the moment the nominations are announced the reader tweets:

me: here is an album where I processed my entire world view including heartfelt explorations of the trauma of existing and oversharing in the public eye from a young age without the traditional barrier between audience and entertainer

the grammys: that's cute BUT you know the song you wrote to bully your boyfriend and also be horny on main for him before you guys were even dating? THAT deserves its own recognition.

meanwhile Ethan's like..... this is the same person who I filmed a video with playing cards against humanity, and you laughed so hard you almost threw up. I am very proud but deeply confused.

The Hot Meme of Late April 2021 is "2 time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" with a gif, still, or quote from the reader where they're just being an absolute chaos gremlin.

Of course we have "If I bleached my asshole for charity I'd do it tastefully."

2 Time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N speaking to their actual boyfriend in the year of our lord 2020: You are being executed for Clown Crimes.

ethan posts a short video to twitter simply of his screen where he's renaming a folder from "Never Before Seen Images of Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" simply changing it to 2 time Artist. The reader responds specifically to his tweet with a video of themselves asking Google how to hard reset someone else's computer.

So many screenshots from old videos surface that week.

I miss this world. Sorry this is rambly!!