#and since ive never called in sick over my 6 months of working there i decided. why tf not

[arnold-layne]

called in sick at work today and it was a right decision apparently because it just started SNOWING. come on

[joekeeryswife]

Hi girl!!

I had an idea for a while now and I thought you might want to hear

It’s kind of a two paragraph thing

Reader and Joel are married and she is Sarah’s mother and also pregnant and she planned to tell Joel the day after the outbreak but doesn’t get to it. The day of the outbreak she was working late and never got home. Joel is sure he lost his entire family but reader (and the baby) made it through.

Twenty years later in Jackson a woman in her early fifties and a twenty year old young man/ woman (your call). After confirming they are not infected and have no bad intentions they meet Tommy , that leads to a beautiful and emotional family reunion.

Thank you🫶🏼🫶🏼

Apocalypse - J.M

hey honeys! first Joel imagine.. changed it slightly to instead of y/n being Sarah’s bio mum to her step mum but been with her practically her whole life🫶 i kinda made this like y/n’s friends where trying to protect her from hearing what was going on and ive also kinda not specified how y/n got lost until the end. i love a good angsty imagine!!! I ACTUALLY HATE THIS SORRY! I PROMISE MY NEXT JOEL IMAGINE WILL BE BETTER! enjoy reading xx (Joel is 36 and reader is 27 at the beginning)

(join my taglist🫶)

September 26th 2003

“i promise i’ll be home early today. i’m only on a half day so try not to be late as well yeah? i have something to tell you” it was 6:30 in the morning and Joel didn’t have to get up for another two hours. you felt him nod and with you both sharing ‘i love you’s’ and a quick kiss on his cheek you were gone.

being a midwife was hard, especially when it pulled you away from your family. today was Joel’s 36th birthday and every year you would usually all spend the day together but this year, you and Joel had been pulled into work. you were meant to both be off but someone had called in sick and you had been persuaded into going in.

you had been excited for this day, you had found out last month that you were pregnant, 12 weeks when you found out, and you wanted to wait for his birthday to tell him. you had planned to tell him at dinner with Sarah. you had been in Sarah’s life since she was 5, she was 12 now and ever since she had met you she begged you and Joel for a brother or sister.

honestly you were excited, you had been with Joel for seven years and now was finally the right time for you and him to become parents. you had discussed it a few times in the past and one thing led to another and you both decided to start trying and as luck would have it, third time lucky you got pregnant. you had your first scan at work and decided to keep the gender a secret for now but being a midwife meant you could possibility find out the gender just by looking at the ultrasound picture so you hadn’t looked too closely.

-♡-

when you finally clocked in at work you already felt tired. being pregnant, nauseous with a headache did not help you whatsoever but money was money and you needed to start saving for your baby. “hey mama, how are you?” your co-worker and best friend Julia said as you entered the staff room. you sighed at set your bag and coat down on the table before sitting down.

your shift hadn’t even started yet and you were already ready to go home “hey, i’m alright. you been on the floor yet?” you tucked your hair behind your ear and rubbed a hand over your face. “no not yet but i’m sure when we go on we will be dealing with most of it” what she said was true, most of the staff here didn’t listen to instructions so it was up to you, Julia and a few other staff members to clean up their mess.

there were a few other co workers in the staff room with you, most of them eating their breakfast but it was practically silent except the two of you talking. “let’s go, i just want to get this day over with” and with a nod you both stood up to go to the delivery floor.

“you finally telling him tonight?” Julia asked you as she looked through a patient file “yeah, him and Sarah. she’s been begging for years so it’ll be nice to tell them at the same time. i was going to pick her up from school and tell her before but you know, duty calls” you joked. the two of you laughed and started making your way to a patients bedroom.

-♡-

you had been at work for eight hours before you finally got a break and sat down. it had been hectic and all you wanted to do was go home but your head of department had let you know that you would be staying at work way past the time you were meant to go home. three more people had called in sick and he thought because you were here you were supposed to stay.

you got your phone out of your scrubs pocket and dialled Joel’s number. it took a few rings before he finally answered. “hey sweetheart” he said in his thick Texan accent. “hey honey, happy birthday” you replied as you smiled, all you wanted to do right now was go home and cuddle with Joel. “thank you baby, how’s work?” you scoffed.

“that’s what i wanted to talk to you about. David is making me work till late, says there’s too many people calling in sick so i have to stay on” you heard him sigh

“you booked this day off months ago and they make you come in and they can’t let you leave at the time you’re meant to? that’s bullshit baby” you could sense that he was rolling his eyes.

“i know, i’m sorry. i begged him to let me come home but he wouldn’t budge.” you felt awful, letting him down on his birthday because of your stupid job.

“i’m gonna try my best to get home before 9 i promise, i want to spend at least an hour of your birthday with you” you said, trying to lighten the mood.

“don’t stress yourself too much baby okay? we always have tomorrow to celebrate. you said about telling me something this morning, is everything alright?” you opened your mouth to answer but Julia came into the staff room looking for you, a panicked expression on her face.

“y/n i’m so sorry but i need your help” you sighed, feeling deflated. you couldn’t even have a full break. your whole body was aching and you wanted a moment to just sit down and talk to your husband.

“i’m guessing you’ve got to go” Joel said making you laugh and roll you eyes. “i’m sorry, yeah i do. i’m okay though Joel, i’ll talk to you when i’m home okay? i love you” before he could answer you quickly hung up and followed Julia.

-♡-

“that was a weird conversation” Tommy said as he peered over at Joel who looked confused. “she sounds stressed. ain’t had a fucking day off in three weeks. barely see her now” he knew you loved your job but he also knew how much it stressed you out.

“maybe there’s a reason she’s been working so much?” Joel scoffed “she’s been tryna get a day off for ages and her boss is a fucking asshole, don’t give two shits about anyone except for himself”

“she’s gonna try get home a bit earlier but i doubt it, gonna do something together tomorrow if they allow her the time off” Joel wanted to have one day where you could all spend the day together, or even just a day that you and Joel could be together without worrying about anyone else.

“hey, old man, turn up that radio for a second” Joel chuckled and rolled his eyes, Tommy wasn’t even listening to a word he said but nevertheless he turned up the radio.

‘there has been suspicious activity in Indonesia, people are acting strange which has spread through many different countries. the government is advising that people stay indoors-’

“what a load of bullshit that is, turn it back down” Tommy scoffed and got back to work and Joel turned down the radio, what had that been all about?

“why don’t you finish early today? i know you told Sarah you’d be back late but you should go home”

“i gotta get this job finished, i told her latest ill be back is 9 now shut up so we can maybe get this finished quicker” with that, the two of them got on with the job.

-♡-

it was now 12:30am and there was no way you were leaving work yet. everything was just going wrong, so many people coming into the hospital to give birth (which was a given) but the amount of times the alarm had went off in the main hospital ward was ridiculous.

every 20 minutes like clockwork the alarm meant off meaning something violent was happening or a lot of people were not responding.

“i just want to go home” you said to Amy, the front desk worker as you stood in front of her, your head falling on the desk carefully. “go home, seriously” you looked up at her and saw her with an expression you’d never seen on her face before, pure panic and seriousness.

“are you kidding? David would fire me if i went home, besides there’s too many people off sick and i need to-" she shook her head and cut you off “y/n. go home. there’s been some weird shit on the radio, people going crazy, you’re pregnant and you need to be safe so go home”

your body filled with anxiety, you’d never seen her like this ever. you nodded “yeah uh, okay, i’ll go home now. you stay safe Amy yeah?” with that you quickly rushed to find Julia to let her know you were going.

you didn’t know why but the way Amy spoke sent a shiver down your spine. was Joel and Sarah okay? was your parents okay? were your family okay? you felt nervous and worried.

you quickly ran to the staff room and grabbed your stuff before searching for Julia. “Emma, have you seen Julia?” Emma was another midwife who worked with you. “yeah she’s at front desk, why have you got your stuff, did David say you could go home?” you ignored her and ran back to the front desk.

“y/n go home, what are you still doing here?” Julia asked as she saw you jogging towards her “i came to find you to tell you i’m leaving. Amy said there’s something going on but i didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye to you”

you didn’t know why the two of them were being a little secretive. Julia felt her eyes water slightly and she hugged you “i’ll see you soon okay? get home safely and look after that baby” you hugged her back. “i will, i promise” with that she let go of you and with that you left the hospital.

as you were driving home all you could hear on the radio was ‘an outbreak has happened, get home and lock your doors’

you felt sick, what type of outbreak? you quickly got your phone and called Joel, you were scared, terrified even and you needed to know he was okay.

“Joel, i’m 20 minutes from home, what the fuck is happening? they look like they’re blocking the highway off, i’m just pulling into town now” you could hear Tommy in the background telling Joel what to say “baby listen carefully okay? don’t go home, go to straight to town, don’t talk to anyone, don’t stop the car for anyone just try get there” his voice was filled with panic “Joel what-”

he cut you off “i’m going to get Sarah and we will meet you there as quickly as we can, i will find you there i promise. i love you okay? if i don’t get-”

you looked at your phone which had abruptly cut the call. “Joel?” you dialled his number again but the call went straight to answer phone.

you hoped whatever was happening that Joel, Sarah and Tommy would make it out safe and you prayed that you found them before whatever this virus was destroyed everything.

-♡-

“get in the truck, right now” Joel shouted as he got out of the truck with a wrench in his hand. Joel pushed Sarah to the truck but stopped when he saw Mrs Adler.

Joel froze in fear as he saw the usually quiet old lady who sits in her chair run toward them, screeches coming from her. in the time he had lived in that house he had never heard a single sound from that lady yet here she was running.

“what are we doing Joel?” Tommy lifted the gun up, fear laced his voice. Mrs Adler was coming closer and closer by the second and without thinking Joel hit her over the head with the wrench.

she fell to the ground and stopped moving. what the fuck had he just done? he dropped the wrench and quickly turned to look at Sarah who looked terrified.

he put his hands on her cheeks carefully “you killed her” Sarah said, her voice breaking slightly. “baby i’m so sorry” he pulled her in for a hug, his hand cradling the back of her head.

“Joel, we gotta go” Joel pulled away from Sarah “it’s not just the Adlers okay? but we are gonna be brave and we are gonna get out of this” the three of them got into the truck and drove off.

“they’re saying it’s some kind of virus, a parasite” Tommy said as he drove quickly down the road toward the town. “are we sick?” Sarah asked, her eyes filled with tears as fear overtook her body.

“no, course not” Joel quickly said, trying his best to reassure her. “how do you know we are not sick?” Joel turned to look at Sarah then back at Tommy.

“they said it’s mostly people in the city. that’s why they’ve got most of the highway blocked off” Tommy glanced over at Joel then focused back on the road.

“what about mum? she works in the city? is she sick? where is she?” she asked, her eyes darting between the two men.

“mum is fine, i spoke to her before i got you. she’s not sick, she’s in town and we are going there right now okay? she’s fine” to be honest Joel didn’t know if you were okay. it had been thirty minutes since he last spoke to you and he had no idea where you were. he just hoped you were somewhere safe until he could find you.

-♡-

November 12th 2023

20 years. it had been 20 years since Joel had last saw you and he was sure you were dead. he had promised you he would find you, keep you safe and he failed to do that. he felt like he had failed you and failed Sarah and he wanted nothing more then to be with you.

when they got to town is was destroyed, fires everywhere, cars flipped over, people dead in the road and there was absolutely no way he would have been able to find you.

he would have nightmares every night. the nightmare of Sarah dying in his arms the same way over and over again but with you, he had no idea how you died. he had dreamed every way imaginable that you died and it was awful. he felt disgusted with himself every single day for not being with you.

he would think about how different life would be if the outbreak didn’t happen. the two of you would have had two kids, both girls, moved into a bigger house more in the countryside and lived together forever, but then he’d realise what had happened and images of that night came crashing back.

Joel had decided to move to Jackson after the whole ordeal with Ellie realising that that was what was best for her. Jackson was safe, secure, nothing could happen to her and he felt somewhat free from the world outside those walls.

they had been in Jackson for six months at this point and life had finally started to feel somewhat normal again. he was grateful Maria gave him a chance to turn his life around after feeling his stopped because of what happened to you and Sarah. he wanted to be better for Ellie now, she was his main priority.

it was a Sunday and usually the whole of Jackson would have a day off (except from patrols) and Joel and Ellie had decided to take a walk through Jackson. it was snowing but it was nice to walk through the streets and see families be happy together.

Tommy had been helping the builders by the front gates when they opened meaning the patrollers had come back from their shift. he looked up briefly and saw two new people on the backs of Maria’s and Michael’s horses.

he didn’t know why but he felt the need to go over there and greet them, coming into somewhere like this could be scary for some who hadn’t been in this sort of environment for a while so he wanted them to feel welcomed.

the patrollers stopped and everyone got off their horses. Tommy had a warm smile on his face as he saw the younger woman out of the two lace her arm around the older woman’s.

as he got a closer look he couldn’t believe what he saw. a woman who he thought he’d never see in his life again was standing right in front of him. his heart swelled with joy and he didn’t know why but he felt his eyes fill with tears.

“Tommy?” before he could even talk the woman spoke making his assumption correct, it was you. you looked a little older, you had a few scars littered around your face and your hair which used to be quite long was now shoulder length but suited you so much.

“y/n, it is you oh my god” he rushed toward you and wrapped his arms around you. you couldn’t believe it, Tommy was here.

your brother in law who you thought had died was here, did that mean Sarah and Joel were here too?

“i thought you had died, i didn’t think id ever see you again-” Tommy was cut off quickly when he heard his brothers voice behind him.

“Tommy who the hell are you hugging?” Joel and Ellie had walked toward the gate when they realised there were a few new people. you pulled away from Tommy and your eyes immediately made eye contact with the ones you used to love staring into.

Joel’s heart felt like time had stopped. there was no way he was staring at the woman he loved right now, there was no way, it had been 20 years and he thought you were dead. “Joel” he heard you whisper.

you quickly made your way toward him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “y/n” he pulled you in closer and kissed your forehead. “my god i thought you were dead” his voice cracked as he spoke, both of you had tears in your eyes.

“i promise i tried to find you but there were people everywhere-” you pulled away slightly, shook your head and kissed him passionately. he hadn’t felt anything like this since the outbreak, happiness. you were here, you weren’t dead, he hadn’t failed you. 

“you would have never of found me. don’t beat yourself up over it Joel” his eyes scanned your face, you still looked as beautiful as ever. you noticed the young girl stood next to him confused, where was Sarah?

“where’s Sarah Joel? is she here? i bet she’s gotten so much taller” his face softened “she died on the day of the outbreak” you felt your heart drop, you sweet Sarah was gone.

“oh Joel, i’m so sorry” your hands went to his cheeks, stroking it softly. “it’s okay, i think i’ve finally come to terms with it” he turned to look at Ellie who was just watching the two of you.

“Ellie this is y/n, my wife that i told you about” you turned your head to look at her too. “i realised with all the kissing and hugging the two of you did” her voice was filled with sarcasm which actually made you giggle quietly.

“it’s nice to meet you Ellie” she just gave you a small smile and a nod. “i, uh Joel” you pulled away and turned around to see Margot stood awkwardly behind you. “this is Margot” he looked at the young girl, she looked about 20 years old.

dark hair, dark eyes but her face looked almost identical to yours. Margot walked closer to the two of you “she’s your daughter” he frowned “what?” he unwrapped his arms from around you “i know it’s a lot to take in-”

he quickly made his way to Margot and hugged her close “hi dad” he heard her say, voice filled with anxiety. he was just as anxious as her “hi baby girl”

you watched the two of them with teary eyes, you never thought that this was where you would be 20 years into the pandemic. in a safe haven with your daughter and your husband finally happy once again.

[clownmoontoon]

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥

[coffee-with-pigeon-milk]

TW Body image discussions and Fatphobia. TW also for self harm and eating disorders. TW for bullying.

I can't stop crying. I'm sitting in the car after a very long day; and I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this in my real life. In case I haven't told you the last couple of months have been very difficult. I've had to take over the care of my mom while she is fighting for a diagnosis. She had suddenly developed a severe migraine well over two months ago, and it just hasn't gone away.

We have tried everything, and nothing has worked. So we see her family practitioner who ordered testing. Which is fairly standard, except for us. Because of her Ehlers-Danlos, she needs a specialized test. An upright MRI to be specific. Well the only one we are even close to is in Chicago. So off we go. We drive for 4+ hours. We got up before 6 this morning, btw. Anyway, fast forward to 4 pm this afternoon. My mom goes in for her scan and I chose to stay out in the car. Which is shut off and the windows are cracked.

It's a beautiful day and I'm enjoying the chance to rest for a bit. This particular MRI clinic is next to a rec center and lots of people are coming and going. As I'm sitting there I hear the laughter of young men. Maybe...17 years old at the most. I remember that I thought to myself, just ignore them. Close your eyes and feel the breeze. Well when the laughter didn't stop I looked up to see what was going on and guess what.. these two young guys were taking my fucking picture.

One of them took at least one and must have seen me looking back at him through his camera because they looked right at me and psudeo-ran away. Laughing and looking at my car the whole time. I can say without hesitation that I have never been more humiliated in all my life.

I haven't wanted to disappear this bad since I was a teenager myself. I was the girl that people would be dared to ask out, but the second I showed excitement or eagerness... well, let's say that more than once, people laughed in my face. Or called me slurs and mocked me. To my face. I have struggled to find any empathy or even love for myself and have had to claw myself up to even body neutrality.

I'm fat. I have PCOS so I get darker peach fuzz and extra chin hair which i normally wax. However the skin on my chin is darker.. like a sort of shadow. I'm not white. I just cut my hair short to help with ease of care. I'm short. I'm shy. I've never been sexy. Ive always been "cute." I've never been in a relationship with someone I've met in person. I've never had anyone want to stay. I'm also a daughter and a sister and a foster mom for sick kittens. I've been able to save every rescue I've ever had.

That doesn't matter though. I can't even be left alone to enjoy the sunshine without mockery. I'm recovering from eating disorders. I have chronic pain. I am doing my best. What else can I do? I've lost two pounds and I was over the moon because I did it in a healthy way. It is never enough.

I think I'm just gonna finish up with mom and probably go to bed early.

[emypony]

fucking sick and tired of this dogshit country only making laws for people who can benefit from it due to having connections and knowing higher ups and basically taking advantage of nepotisms

fuck the romanian government and their shitty "laws" that are supposed to help someone starting out but instead they are vestiges meant to suck out all the soul away from you

go get a job!

now find an apartment to rent!

now go get the owner of the apartment to go with you to register you in the space!

make sure you write this apartment is FOR LIVING HAHA WHAT IF YOU'RE RENTING IT TO STORE THINGS HUH???? WE THE GOVERNMENT MUST MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T RICH!!!!!!!!!!!

get your documents!

wait 4 hours in line for said documents!

also go to work in the meantime, btw, and hope for a decent-ish boss! good luck calling and searching and visiting apartments to live in all while this is happening and explaining this to landlords who don't want to pay for your health insurance (a requirement now) as well as renter tax! haha! hahahahaha!

job sucks? barely make it through 3 months crying almost every night and wishing to kill yourself maybe?? praying to god a car hits you on the way to and from work is TOTALLY normal! im sure!

finally out of the shitty job that destroyed you mentally and physically? good luck finding a new one?

oh you found one where it might be decent well SUCKS TO BE YOU BUDDY, all entry level jobs only offer work employment contracts on either 3, 6, or 12 months with the possibility of renewal but NEVER an undetermined period!

oh what's that? you didn't know? you need to be hired at a place that does an undetermined contract for it to count, also you have 30 days and GOOD LUCK if you don't have anyone to help you with money in the meantime.

if you're on your own you're better off dead!

LIKE JUST KILL ME AT THIS POINT JUST TAKE ME OUT

the fucking. WAY you have to prove to the government you're actually piss poor just to get a fucking bone to chew on is insane

if i knew it was THIS much fucking trouble to get a small help from the government i would have just fucking stayed home instead!

ive been through this hell since february and at this point i did not even see one fucking cent from the government even though i should have gotten at least one month's worth

no fucking wonder people are killing themselves left and right. survival isn't living and quite frankly im tired of this shit

tired of doing my best and working so fucking hard and taking so much shit and for what

have the rug pulled out from under your feet

either work a soul crushing job where you end up a shell of a person just to be able to afford to buy food and have a roof over your house or just go HOMELESS i guess ! if you have no one you're FUCKED good luck BOZO

a rapture sounds pretty damn good rn. come on you can just concentrate it real good and smite me on the spot and put me out of my fucking misery

at this point i am just considering forgoing that money all together it is so not worth my mental fucking sanity and my physical wellbeing

the STRESS it has caused me over the past months! i've just up and had it with this piece of shit !

[vampryn]

im startin’ to get reaaaal stressed out here... so ive been at the same job for the last 6 years. over these 6 years ive NEVER been able to support myself with just this one job alone, so ive had to go off and on having a second part-time job so i can afford to pay to survive.. anyway, over the last few months ive been getting enough hours to survive with one job, but now that we’re off holiday season im mad strapped for cash.. (im not asking for money lmao dw). im starting to really dislike my job. the staff i have are currently insanely irresponsible, and are doing a lot of shady things that i REALLY dont want to be involved in.. plus, they’ve formed a clique and they feel like the girls who would pick on me in high school.. i’ve made the decision to pay for the ontario license to be able to work at a dispensary.. the course is honestly terrible. its so boring, and while it started off super comprehensive and digestible, it’s slowly turned into a WalMart training video where its 2 full hours of them repeating the same 5 talking points.. im not kidding, they went over refusing service for TWO HOURS.. worked on the course for 4.5 hours total yesterday and im somehow only halfway done.. im pretty sure they make you do all of this as a secondary vetting system.. you know.. so the lazy people give up, and the people left have proven themselves.. can i also just say that most places pay you for your time while youre training.. whereas with this bullshit i had to pay $70, and assumably 8+ hours of my life.. amidst all of this, my coworkers all decided that when each of them got sick, none of them would call out or wear a mask, so everybody has been slowly dropping from getting the same sickness... sure enough, a few days ago i started to feel a bit icky.. and now that im in the peak of looking for an apartment AND a job, im in the peak of the sickness.. (wah-ah-ah-awwhh) through all of this, tomorrow was meant to be the valentines day all-ages event that ive been waiting for (im)patiently, and now because im sick im not sure i’ll be able to go.. which is additionally stressful because that means im losing the money i paid for the fucking tickets with.. PLUS i havent been out in over a month, and am missing the sense of community i get from going to the events with all of the spookies in the city :’(  right now im trying not to freak out because theres so much going on, and so much unknown around the corner, but its hard not to when i feel like im halfway through so many things.. plus since im sick, i just want to lay in bed and have my boyfriend rub my back while watching matilda on vhs :(  fortunately, when life gets hectic like this, it usually means that soon i’ll figure everything out, and my life will be balanced again//settle down. at this point i am kind of missing when my life felt boring though.. i want to travel or maybe even just launch myself to the moon where i can live on moon-cheese and hang out with the robot from wallace and gromit 

[myfitnessblog0086]

Okay it's time to drop some fandom stuff:

Rocky Balboa:

I know that I'm kind of late to the rocky party because the movie series has been around since the '70s and gained a lot of popularity in the '80s. I was born in the late '80s and I was aware of this series during the 90s as well. I'm sure I watched one or two movies because my father was familiar with Rocky 2 and 3 but he didn't like 3. But it actually wasn't until the pandemic when I personally gave the movie series a try.

When I revisited the series, I purchased each one in 2021. Somehow I stumbled upon the fact that there was a Rocky IV Director's Cut event that was happening. If I remember I found out the day before and I was lucky to get tickets. I also remember that I invited my father to come with me, but he got food sickness from one of the local diners. It happened around Thanksgiving time, and dad went to one of the usual diners that him and his friend go to every year for their usual turkey dinner. He claims that he got very sick off of their food. So I already paid for the tickets and I had to eat the cost . ☹️ I had a wonderful time though and I was able to get a copy of the Director's Cut for my father to watch. But the movie event was something that I will never forget because it included some interviews at the beginning of the movie that weren't included in any other digital releases.

Also a fun fact that I learned was that Mr T was actually born more than 6 months ahead of my father. So Mr T's current age is 70 and he was born the same year as my father.

But to my surprise I found out that there were also a bunch of other people that had been inspired by the story of Rocky. That's the magic of the movie series. The first two movies were considered the most raw and included a lot of the little moments that led up to the big moments. Those little moments drove the story forward into the big moments.

I personally was a huge fan of the montages because the fact that I saw how much work went into professional boxing. It gave me ideas for things that I could try, and inspired me to go the distance.

Pac-Man:

It's no secret that I was fat, depressed, and binge eating when I was a kid. It was a vicious cycle because I had the so-called "friends" when I was growing up that pretended to be friends but really took time out of their day to cut me down. In the end they were just bullies that decided to use words instead of punching me or throwing me down a flight of stairs or spitting on me.

Pac-Man was a man that ate as much as he wanted, and ran as fast as he could. To me Pac-Man was a comfort video game. For some reason I could always block out whatever was bothering me in life and focus on the game. To me Pac-Man didn't judge because he quite often ate more than I did. He didn't really struggle with weight, (the TV series is another story. Maybe the upcoming movie too.) Fitting into his clothes or being called a fat ass at school.

Pac-Man always looked so happy in his pictures and he always made me so cheerful when I played his games. It was a way for me to forget about the fact that my own father would introduce me as "his grossly overweight" when we would see a new doctor about my weight problem. My dad was a high believer in the fact that if we couldn't solve my weight problem in a year, we had to get a new doctor. For reasons that the current doctor was a quack.

My dad never really understood how correctly to lose weight and I spent a lifetime struggling learning how to. The bottom line is that you can't spend 3 months and lose over 100 lb. That's too much weight to lose over such a short amount of time. They say that 10 lb a month is a healthy weight loss. (To clarify a healthy weight loss means that you're actually putting in the work, and you're actually putting in the diet regime, and you're not giving into something fad diet where you'll just lose the weight very quickly, and then you'll never learn the skills to keep it off so you just gain it all back. Like the lap band. Yes I know somebody who has died from the lap band. He lost all that weight and then he ate too much. The band snapped and he died.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

Again I was born in the late '80s and I unfortunately didn't really have much money for Comics since I was a kid. I always had to ask my parents for money or to buy me things because I was very young in 92. A Walmart had just moved to our town and the only Comics that They carried were the Archie Comics Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So I never got to read the original Comics until I was an adult. I recently got reinterested in them. It was before they announced Shredder's Revenge and before they announced the Cowabunga Collection.

I do remember bits and pieces of the last final seasons of the original series when they aired on TV. I was actually able to watch most of the TMNT series on 4kids when I was older in 2003. That also included the movie TMNT Forever when it aired.

Yes I really had a lot of the toys when I was growing up when they were hot. I never really was much of a comic Book Guy. Even when I was older I was more of a toys and video games person than a comic books. Or TV and Movies.

Like most people I blame my addiction to Pizza on the TMNT. The truth is that's not true at all. It's where I live. I live in a town that's obsessed with football, and has three aisles of frozen pizza at every grocery store. Plus a section of the store where you can get ingredients to make your own pizza, plus deli where you can take already made raw pizza and go bake it. Plus most of the stores already have hot pizza available for you to just take.

Known as the land of the fat people and where we deep fry everything. I think Family Guy or The Cleveland Show joked that we would deep fry a tire just to make it taste better.

So I had more of the reason to kick my pizza addiction. But besides being obsessed with pizza, the TMNT were known for being badasses and for training all the time. Sometimes for being overly sarcastic.

But in all comic versions and the early TV shows and even the early movies you see them as if they're muscled. Despite their addiction to Pizza, they had weird toppings which sometimes included quite a bit of sugar.

As a diabetic I know to avoid pizza because it's chock full of fat, and the pizza crust can easily be broken down into sugar. Adding hot fudge and marshmallows on top just adds more sugar. Pizza is chock full of salt. Even cheese by itself is before you add the pizza sauce that has additional salt. Before you add the greasy pepperonis that adds additional fat and additional salt.

Yes, vegan pizzas exist. However nobody here likes to eat plant-based cheese, plant based chicken, etc. In short I have never seen a vegan pizza available in this town. I would love to see one and try one.

So I try to keep it as vegetarian as possible when having pizza.

Back to the TMNT tho. Besides pushing Pizza Hut and pizza addiction.. one thing that I've noticed is that they've been training their entire lives. They've been training since a young age and they're supposed to be teenagers. So assuming they've been training at the age of five, (some karate schools believe that kids can start training at the early age of three) they have been training for 12 years. (Assuming that they're all 17. Supposedly Michelangelo is supposed to be the eldest and he's the most fun of the group.)

So it's sort of a gnarly way of reminding me that "three years of boxing isn't enough training dude." Because they've been training for 12 years at the very most and they still have not mastered it yet. Some are better than others but in TMNT 2003, some are further behind than others.

Sadly the only thing I have left to say about each fandom is I have more to say depending on how long the relationship I've had with it. TMNT has a long history with a lot of generations and lots of lore including different dimensions and such. Some stories are more violent and bloody than others.

Pac-Man is mostly games and there have been some TV shows that have not been well received. There's not too many bad games and there's not too much lore unless you get to the more recent games. And the more recent games have different lore. Pac-Man adventures in time for PC claims that the events of the Pac-Man series takes place upon a different planet. Pac-Man World claims that it takes place in a place called "Pac Land".

Rocky is pretty consistent. Except for number four directors cut because as Stallone said "I don't know what I was thinking with that robot."

The original was an oscar-winning movie and won the most awards and the most nominations. Rocky IV comes in second place. Rocky 3 was at least nominated for an Oscar. Nobody really likes Rocky 5. That's consistent as well.

[dystopia-fantasy]

Always read the job description -Part 1

Max was a fit, well built man. He had been body building since he was 14 and now In his early 40s he has the body of a god, but is slowly getting to the age when he needs to find another way to make money. He knows he can't take part in his competitions anymore, and needs to take it easy. He got great grades in school and college, proving people wrong that you can't be a nerd in a jock body.

Max had some money saved and was able to keep up on bills for a few months but needed a job to keep his large house, in the rich area of the city. He got a call from a business he applied to a couple of days ago, telling him to go in for an interview tomorrow, and if it goes well he will be sent straight on a trip for the company. He gets his new blue suit ready to be worn the next day.

The morning arrives, it's 5am, and Max wakes. He does his normal morning routine, making breakfast, working out, taking a shower, then gets his suit on ready for his early morning interview. Driving to the office building in the middle of New York, it's at least 50 stories high, and is made of mostly glass, and is one of the newest modern builds in the city.

On arrival a large man in his late 60s wearing a suit greets him, "hello sir, you must be max, Sir Mammon is on his way down to collect you, may I say what an amazing suit you have on today".

Max looks the man up and down, seeing the man's huge belly flowing out from under his dress shirt, showing a massive W shape, "thanks mate, you might want a bigger shirt" then points to his belly.

"sorry if I offended you sir, but all clothing has been chosen by Sir Mammon himself" Mammon is the big boss of the business "if you would like to make a complaint I can print you a form".

Max laughs, "No thanks, I'm gonna sit over there, tell Mammon im there".

"will do sir, have a great day" the man says while max walks away paying no more attention to him.

About 15 minutes later a young handsome slender man walks over. "Max is it?" He says behind Max.

"yes.." max says confused.

"I'm Mammon, nice to meet you" he smiles holding his hand out for a shake.

"oh hello Mammon, is wasn't expecting someone so young, no offence of course" max shaking his hand.

Mammon let's out a little laugh, with a little grin "it's ok max, people don't expect someone like me to own such a remarkable company like this one would you like to follow me, we can go up to my office, this is Mark by the way, he's my Butler". Mark is another large man aged around 50, he has a massive belly stuffed into his suit, hes huffing and puffing, like he ran a marithon, "don't mind him, most of my staff are..."

Max cuts him off "fat?"

They both laugh, "you could say that Max" the elevator arrives and they all walk in, "now max, you did read the whole advertisement correct?".

Max didn't, it's was 48 pages long, who would read it all? He just looked at the wage he would get, it started at $100,000 per month. "Yes, I did".

"that's good, most guys are more keen to keep their body's but I guess if your struggling you'll do anything."

Max now confused just nod's and watches though the glass elevator as they fly up to the top floor.

"where here sir" Mark the butler says peacefully in his British accent.

They walk into the room, and Mammon sits at his desk pouring himself a glass of wisky, and Max one too. Max looks around in aww, the room was covered in art work, with the walls painted in golds and whites and had its own bar. "How do you have all this money?" Max asked.

"a mix of many things, this company, and a few investments paid for this whole building, I have many other ways but we're not here for that." Mammon points at the seat," take a seat max" Max sits the chair is made from leather and is very comfy. "So, max, I've gone through your file, I think you're perfect for the job."

"so, does that mean I have the job?" Max replies confused, expecting to be asked a question.

"well yes, if you agree to the terms"

"terms?" Max still confused.

"well yes, you expect to be paid 10times the amount the normal person for this job without any terms or conditions?"

"well I didn't know.." Max gets cut off.

"Max let me simplify them for you. You sacrifice your body to the company, and in trade you get, $100k X the amount you weigh paid into your account per month, So if you weigh 450lbs, you get $450k a month."

"what the fuck? That's sick, I'm not doing that, I'm leaving" and with that Max got up from the chair and stood face to face with Mammon, with the desk all that is separating them. "Your sick, you fa**ot".

With that Mammon's eyes glow a bright red. "I'm a what?" Max got through back against the chair by an invisible force. "Max you could have just left with your freedom, but now look what you've gotten yourself into".

"Let me go, What the fuck?" Max says while traped against that chair, it chreeking with the force of his muscle.

"I'm a fucking demon max, I'm never going to 'let you go'" he took a second break to mock max, "now, what did you say? Fa**ot, was it?".

"fuck, I didn't mean it" the force pins him down harder, trapping his arms against the leather chair arms, and pushing his legs against the underboard. "Please let me go home, I won't do it again."

"shut up max, the process is already starting".

Max looks down to see his body deflating, his pecs turning from mountain peaks to a flat surface, his giant powerful arms turning weak and light. And then looking up he sees a whole new man infront of him.

"Not as big as I thought I would get, but boy I'm big" he took a break to admire his new giant arms and pecs.

"what the?" Max looks in confusion, "how did you do that? Give me them back".

"what are you gonna do max? I'm an infinitely powerful being and you, your an old man, or at least your going to be."

"I'm only 42, what do you mean, going to be?"

"you see I don't have my infinite life span on earth, so to stay alive and in this fit body, I absorb anything a guy has and I want. In your case, these massive muscles, but then I need to absorb their life force as well, in order to make sure I don't age."

"what do you mean life force?"

"well, you have roughly 50 years, worth of life left, I'll drain about 20 years leaving you in your future crippled body at around age 60, force you to work for the company for another 20 years, then when your 80 drain the rest of your life, which after you get fat won't be much, then you got to hell."

"man your sick, let me go, LET ME GO!".

A bright red light shoots from Peters hand enveloping Max's whole body, and he starts to age, his face wrinkling, skin dropping, eye sight worsening, hearing getting muffled, and mind changing a little. "Max, you ok old man?".

"yes sir" max was confused in his mind, why did he say sir?

"max, you ready for your Cruise? You can have tones of food for the next 6 months."

"Yes sir, I'm ready" max lifts his head, opening his eyes to see a new blurry room from his new old eyes.

"you're gonna need these from now on" Peters eyes glow and a new pair of glasses appear on Max's face he can now see clear.

"thank you... Sir", max blinks seeing Peter infront of him, "what have you, done to me".

"Max, I've turned you into the perfect office worker, old, brainiac, who is soon going to get fat and live the rest of his life, in an office chair for me, don't worry for accomodation you live here now, we have apartments on floor 30 to 40, all workers live here, it's policy, we have also sent a team to your house to, well, blow it up, that way nobody is going to be looking for you, becuase we can plant a body"

"give me... My.... Body back, give me... My.. life back."

"Max we both know that will never happen, now enjoy a life of gluttony, and prepare yourself for hell, that's gonna be worse then anything I can do to you." Peter snaped his fingers and a red glow enveloped max.

Recovering from the glow max sees two men infront of him with a trolly of sorts between them. "Is he awake" one says,

"I don't know" said the other.

"im- awake" max said in a much older raspy voice.

"good we can now start the feeding" the man on the left said, his body as muscled as a god, ripped from head to toe, and we can see everything.

Max rubs his eyes under his glasses and opens them again, "Fucking hell, put some clothes on both of you".

Both men where nude, one a ripped god, another muscled up but with a big gut. "Clothes are banned here mate" the beefy man said in a type of Australia accent, "you cant say much fella, look at that tiny pecker".

The men laughed pointing at Max's shriveled up old cock and low hanging balls, "what the fuck"max tries to move his arm to cover him but his arm doesn't move, he looks down to see him stuck in a chair, with a cut out hole under his ass, and straps tying him down, trapping him. "What... Are you gonna do to me?" Max asked sceared.

The men laughed at him again, "no need to act to sceared, we're here to feed you for the next 6 months".

"but... Sir said..." Max get cut off.

"he said you'd be going on a cruise? Fucking hell are you dumb? He's a demon, you shouldn't trust a demon" The muscled guy says.

"bro let's start the feeding we have 50 other guys to see and I wanna watch football Tonight." The beefy guys says, and in unison both their eyes glowed a bright red, showing they where demons too.

The trolly between them had several items on top, one long tube, which floated in the air for a few moments before shoving itself down maxes nostril and deep into his stomach, his head flipped back trying to wriggle it out, but it was stuck. Another item moved into his frame, a IV bag holder, holding a giant barrel type object made of glass, and two large bags floated of the table again and started to drain into the barrel, and the tube connected itself to it, starting a flow of the liquid into maxes stomach.

"done" the beffy guy said. "Now we'll be back tomorrow to refill your barrel, and clean you up if you make a mess, but youll basically be unconscious for the next 6 months, due to the drugs were feeding you."

"so enjoy your sleep mate, you'll litterally wake up a different man." The two men laughed and walked out, max tried fighting the restraints but in his crippled form could do nothing. The door slammed and locked, and the room fell dark, max screamed begging into the darkness to be let free, and to have his life back, which he had only an hour before, but nothing happened, nobody came. He felt the drugs taking effect, but tried to fight back, but it was useless, his body slumped and loosened. His mind fell blank as he drifted of into his 6 month hibernation.

[antiloreolympus]

6 Anti LO Asks

1. i would actually get the idea people look down on the underworld gods bc like yeah theyre scary and unwelcomed, but like its undercut by rachel making them the most desirable and most powerful for?? reasons?? like she wants them to be underdogs while at the same time being the best at everything, which is her issue with persephone too, she also has to be powerless and humble but also the most unique and powerful. she wants us to root for them when they have no actual struggles.

2. i dont take reviews for anything, tbh. the "professional" reviews LO got were all by people who are also at the same printing house, so theyre literally paid to say something nice for marketing even if they dont like it (i work in publishing, we do this all the time), and amazon reviews arent regulated, so of course LO stans will flood it to fluff it up. thats what let's play fans have been doing too for years now too, despite it being wattpad markipiler fanfic.

3. I know comparing characters isn’t right but honestly LO has enough wrong going on I won’t feel bad. Persphone isn’t interesting on her own in LO. A lot of her character is having things happen to her except for flirting with Hades and killing mortals (and maybe running away as a reaction to Zeus). Persphone we are told she is smart, naive, powerful but powerless. Her character literally is whatever RS thinks fits the chapter the best. Persphone has no clear goals other than wanting Hades, what’s her major? What was the next step after college? Do the other gods go to college? Why doesn’t she know what sleeping to the top means but knows so much about flirting with a man who has a gf? What was she suppose to be doing if she never met hades?

Although the other female cast may not be likeable, they do actually do stuff that drives their own character

Minthe may have fallen into a shitty relationship with Hades, but she feels sick about the ring and treats Hades because he doesn’t listen to her. She leads Persphone to the wrong location cause she doesn’t like her. She fights hades (not a good thing but does something to the plot)

Daphne has Persphones background, grew up in the mortal realm. However she’s a lot more interesting. Demeter probably isn’t strict with Daphne, but Daphne is now and influencer with business deals and when forced to Dave Apollo bits and threatens him. And even before with Apollo wanted to find out her own opinions on the guy.

Hecate isn’t a main character but enjoys to be in the plot and leaves the plot as she pleases, she’s support but also seems like there more to her than shown. She likes chaos, gardening, and expanding her knowledge.

Aphrodite, drove the plot with the drugs and car thing, NOT A GOOD THING but actually did something. Was looking for her husband, testing her son may not be the best character but actually leaves marks on the story telling despite not showing up a lot.

Artemis, invites Persphone into her home, has always been this sliver footed hunter, was doing fine before persphone, but also has her own family issues

Demeter fought in a war, has her own morals and ethics when raising a daughter, may have messed up but again actually contributes to the plot

Hera pushes HXP together and apart, has her own interesting drama, seduced Kronos and paid for it gravely, DID have an affair with hades. Not good things but contributions.

Thetis manipulates people

Persphone just doesn’t do much herself in the comic. She didn’t want to go to the party, she didn’t want the job, a lot of the plot is having her having something happen to her. The drugging, the Apollo the offers, Meg offering her clothes even. She doesn’t drive the plot other than flirting with Hades even knowing about Minthe, killing those mortals, and turning Minthe into a plant, but none of those things are even framed as wrong. It’s like even when she does make a “mistake” it doesn’t “count”

4. DID HADES ACTUALLY REALLY HONESTLY SAY ZEUS' RAGE IS MISMANAGED!?!

5. Since we’re talking about self-inserts, hell, I have like 3 characters in my book that can be argued to be my self inserts. But the difference is that while I project onto them plenty, I still remember they are my CHARACTERS, not me. I give them flaws, I write them how I would any other, and I make them suffer consequences when needed. There’s a difference between that and whatever the hell RS is doing with Persephone

-----FP Spoilers-----

6. Not to beat a dead horse but even with Hades saying he misspoke in calling Persephone his wife - considering they arent dating and have only known each other for a short time period, it still sounds weird, right? Like in the newer chapters (I think) Hades and Persephone discuss going on a "first date" after the trial is over which would be fine - except A). It sounds as though even if Persephone gets a punishment (like lets say its a Prometheus treatment kinda thing) that they'll just go behind Zeus' back + authority to go on dates anyway, regardless of punishment or not, and B). Hades calling Persephone his wife indicates that despite not even being on a proper date or even knowing her all that well that he already thinks of her as such, which seems a bit presumptuous considering everything thats been happening.

Also ive seen claims far and between that months have passed if not a year since Persephone went on the run / the beginning of the comic - does anyone have a source for that? (The timeline makes everything confusing).

Also, I was told that the trial doesnt take place in the underworld - that it actually takes place in Olympus?? Anyone got a source? Pls and thanks. 

From OP, not Anon: From the episodes currently on FP, the trial does take place on Olympus. The underworld is in a constant state of darkness and the place where the trial is being held shows it's visibly daytime. Also, it hasn't been months or a time skip. Some people were confused by Hades's wording because he said 'months'. Saying weeks would've been way better and less confusing.

[knifenymph]

Did your ancestors lead you to living in CR?? I’m trying to figure out my next steps and break out of the matrix as well

oh most definitely 💗 i felt such a strong call to this country and feel so deeply at home here. i met my absolute soulmate who just blew me a kiss 🥰 its been a while since ive posted here on tumblr so i want to give a more thorough update on my life!

OKAY SO! my partner moved in with me a handful of months ago, and i love living together so much. we have begun homesteading/building a lil farm together that brings me so much joy! we have a bunch of hens n eggs, a rooster, just recently sold/gifted/ate the 10 chickens we raised, 3 dogs (n more to come), and a kitten!

this year, we're already planning to get a pig to raise + sell the piglets. we also want two horses! and are planning to buy a calf from his mom that will stay on his fathers land.

i am so, so, so happy here 💗 i now have a functioning computer (thank GOD) so i can get back to working + creating in ways that feel so fulfilling to me :-) now that the town is more familiar with my partner, he has been receiving jobs left and right! he's been sick over the past few weeks so ive been supporting us both, but now he's getting back on his feet 💗

tomorrow we celebrate 10 months together!!!! and in a few weeks he celebrates 6 months of recovery! i turn 20 in 4 days!!!!

life feels so bright and beautiful. we argue here and there, but never over things that cannot be fixed. we are so deeply in love and so happy together.

i hope you all are doing beautifully! i've missed this platform so much 🥺

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML Fic: Nathalie’s Gift Part 1

She sat up in the middle of the night.

She took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She knew it was late, likely an hour or two away from sunrise.

She examined her surroundings until she saw him. There he was, sleeping in the chair at the end of the room. Gabriel Agreste, her boss, her ally, and the one she had fallen for, was asleep in a chair several feet away.

Ever since the defeat of the guardian and the plan to use Chloé to get the miraculous, she had been far too weak to be as mobile as she was in the past. Gabriel had set her up in his quarters, despite the mansion having dozens of rooms. He had reasoned that Adrien would never walk into his room without permission, so that it would never become apparent how her condition was deteriorating.

His logic wasn't entirely unfounded. She was constantly teetering towards the brink. Overuse of the once broken peacock miraculous has left her bedridden most days. Despite the miraculous no longer having such a negative effect now, she knew the damage was already done. 

Yet he hasn't discarded her, was it out of loyalty that he felt the need to care for her despite being more of a burden? Did he perhaps start to feel something more for her as this whole debacle went on.

The later of which was unlikely, she knew better than anyone that Gabriel was far too loyal to his wife to entertain such a notion. So long as he believed there was a chance of bringing her back, he wont stop. She could never be Emilie Agreste, the love of his life and mother of Adrien. She was Nathalie Sancoeur, trusted assistant, and partner in crime. 

She forced herself out of bed. Moving quietly as to not awaken the sleeping mogul.

She snagged her tablet, and the peacock miraculous that was next to it.

She moved to the office and sat in the office chair. Perhaps she could get some work done while she was awake. And should she feel the need to speak to someone, the blue bird Kwami would be a fitting companion.

She started looking through work but her mind kept wandering to one thought

So long as Emilie could be brought back, he could never love me. I could never replace her.

She coughed.

“Not that it matters, I am on borrowed time as it is.” She commented to herself.

She stopped herself as she let her own comment sink in.

She was on borrowed time.

With how she was now, how much time did she have, a few months? A year? Maybe a decade if she really tried to take care of herself. But it wasn't like she was sick with a normal illness. But would Gabriel be able to get the miraculous? Even with everything they had, Ladybug and Chat noir always seemed to best them at every turn. At the rate things were going, she would likely end up in a glass coffin as well, and if Gabriel fails...

In that moment of worry. An idea that could fix everything slipped into her brain.

It was a long shot sure, there was a possibility that everything will backfire. But she needed to do it.

She exited out of her work and went into the security feed using her tablet. She disabled the secret camera hidden in the lair below.

She started making a few preparations.

_______________________________________________________________________

Gabriel awoke to his phone’s sudden vibrating.

He quickly shook himself and looked at his phone.

“The alarm was tripped. Someone damaged Emilie’s chamber!”

The fashion mogul rushed out of the room. His thoughts were firing through his brain a mile a minute.

Who found the lair? Was it one of the heroes? A spy? Who would dare desecrate my beloved wife’s container?

The fashion mogul made his way to the secret elevator.

A purple Kwami emerged from the pocket of the rushing fashion designer.

“Is something wrong master?”

“It appears there is an intruder in the secret sanctum.”

“What are you planning to do?”

“Im going to show them the error of their ways. Nooru, Dark wings rise.”

Gabriel transformed into the villainous hawkmoth, His face covered by a silver mask, and is candy cane color scheme replaced with a purple suit. 

He was armed and ready to fight should. 

As the elevator reaches the bottom. Hawkmoth dashes out as soon as it opens.

He would strike quick, and take care of the intruder before they realized who they were facing.

As he approached, he stopped dead in his tracks. As he noticed someone standing infront of the Glass container.

“Hello?” The figure called out. Her voice having a familiar tone that caught the butterfly villain off guard.

As his rage diminished, he felt his vision clear and noticed the shattered glass on the floor, along with the glass container that was now broken.

“It... It can't be...” Hawkmoth’s words escaped as he realized who was standing in front of him.

“Can you tell me where I am? I woke up in this... thing over hear. Im not entirely sure what’s going on.”

“Emilie... is that you?” Hawkmoth questioned, unsure if this was a dream, or if by some miracle the love of his life was indeed back from the abyss.

“How do you know my name Mr. Masked man?”

“Nooru, dark wings fall.”

The blond woman watched as the costumed stranger revealed himself.

“Gabriel? Is that you?”

A tear spilled from his eyes as he rushed to her. 

“You're here. How is... How is this possible?”

“I... I dont...” She started to stumble as she walked towards him. Her vision was starting to fade and the world was spinning.  

Gabriel quickly moved to catch her as she suddenly fell.

He felt his heart panic, but he could hear her breathing. She was simply sleeping.

“Perhaps it would be best to take her out of her.”

Gabriel walked to the elevator, his wife in his arms, asleep yet very alive. 

His mind had 1000 questions, but in this moment, he didn't care. He was holding the woman he loved in his arms again, and thats all that mattered.

___________________________________________________________________

“Gabriel!” She cried out as she woke up.

Sunlight was beaming from the window, it was clear it had been bright out for sometime.

She felt sheets underneath her. What she expected was a hard floor in a weird sanctum but now she felt the comfort of a room that felt familiar.

She heard the door open and looked to see her husband carrying a tray.

“Oh good, you're awake.” He spoke with soft relief.

She looked at the tray.

“Are those.”

“Lemon tea cookies. Your favorite.”

She smiled at him as he brought the tray to her bedside. Allowing her to snag a bite of one of them.

“So good!” She said as she finished her first cookie. “I feel like I haven't eaten in years!”

Gabriel’s expression faltered. She could see the pained expression as she said that.

“Gabriel... how long was I gone?” Her question verbally stabbed him.

He took a moment to process the curious expression on his wife’s face as she continued eating the tray of treats.

He looked down at his hands.

“A year and 6 months.”

She gulped down her cookie hard at the revelation.

“Wow... I've been gone for so long... Adrien must be taller then... ADRIEN!”

Emilie grabbed her husband by the collar.

“Where is Adrien?!”

“He’s at school” Gabriel answered.

Emilie blinked.

“School? You mean he is no longer being homeschooled?”

“He still has some lessons, but he was insistent on trying to go to school like other children his age. It was more ideal for him to go out than for him to be stuck here most hours of the day.”

Emilie processed that information.

“I see, I am surprised you said yes. You always said you hated public schooling.”

“I still believe the school systems are... inferior, but Adrien’s grades haven't faltered according to Nathalie. So I don't bother intervening.”

“My boy has grown up so much since Ive been gone. Wait, is he dating yet? Please tell me I didn’t miss his first crush!”

“Emilie, I am sure that you didnt miss anything. You and Adrien can catch up once you are rested and he is back from school.”

Emilie took a deep breathe.

“Okay, You're right. It will be nice to hear everything from him.”

She looked around the room a bit and noticed the vase full of roses.

“Oh, fresh roses. Gabe-y you cheesy romantic.”

Gabriel felt his cheeks go pink.

“It was... the room needed some color in it.”

“Much like those red pants you insist on wearing.”

“They are fashionable.”

“If you were in charge of candyland perhaps.”

Emilie loved to tease him about is fashion calls.

“Who is the fashion designer here?” He said with a mock stern tone.

“Speaking of fashion, that costume that you were wearing. That didn’t look like the peacock miraculous.”

Gabriel’s tone shifted to genuinely serious. He figured the time would come to answer that question.

“It is the butterfly miraculous. After your...departure. Nathalie and I investigated the temple where you and I had found the peacock miraculous. We discovered a new miraculous, one that wasn't damaged.”

Gabriel felt a twinge mentioning Nathalie. When he had rushed to bring Emilie up here, he felt guilt and relief that his assistant wasn't in the bed. He would have quite a difficult time explaining that one, even if nothing happened.

“So with that miraculous you were trying to find a way to bring me back.”

“It was a means to an end.”

Emilie processed the information she was told.

“Gabriel, I want you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“No more miraculous. None.”

Gabriel blinked.

“But...”

“Those jewels are nothing but trouble. It has only caused our family suffering and pain.”

Gabriel was surprised by the claim, but he knew she was correct. The miraculous have been quite the curse on the family, despite the powers they gave.

“It will take time for me to stop using it outright, there is a... situation with how I’ve been using it. Your sudden appearance and the disappearance of Hawkmoth might be suspicious.”

Emilie looked at Gabriel intensely.

“Hawkmoth? Gabriel what did you do?”

“Well... in order to try an bring you back, the butterfly miraculous wasn't going to be able to accomplish that goal. So the only way I could bring you back with certainty was to attain the ladybug and Cat miraculous.”

The former actress listened as her husband explained how he became a super villain for the sake of getting the jewels.

“Unbelievable.”

“I admit, explaining it makes it sound a lot worse than it actually is. I planned to fix any damage caused once I got the jewels”

“And what if people found out your identity!? You would have been thrown in prison and left our son an Orphan!” Emilie pointed her finger in his chest.

“It was the only way I could think of to attain the miraculous. How else would I have been able to confirm the miraculous were in Paris?”

Emilie was ready to let him have it. But she felt herself calm down. She had to admit, in a weird way, it was quite romantic. Something out of a tragic romance novel.

“I should be angrier with you, but I know if the situation was reversed and I had a way of bringing you back, I would have likely tried the same thing, albeit in a smarter way.”

Gabriel felt a bit of relief seeing his wife not so cross with him.

“So we figure out how to orchestrate your ‘Defeat’ and then we say good bye to the miraculous for good.”

“We will plan it out when you are completely better. Though this does raise the question. How are you back?”

Emilie pauses, she tries to think back.

Protect the Agreste family... no matter what.

She heard that phrase echoing in her head. But she couldn't figure out why. Who said that to her. Why is everything so fuzzy?

“I don't know... I remember hearing glass shatter, and a flash of blue. But the next thing I remember was... seeing you.

Gabriel looks at her, he could tell from her eyes she was telling the truth.

“I will look into that later. In the meantime, you should rest. I will check on you in a few hours.”

He moves the empty tray from the bed.

“Wait.”

Gabriel stopped.

“Get Adrien here. I want to see him now.”

“Dear, he is in school. It will dismiss in a few hours. Besides you should rest.”

Emilie got up from the bed.

“Nonsense. Ive been resting long enough. I am sure Adrien can miss a few hours of school. I want to see my baby boy.”

Gabriel wanted to find some way to dismiss her request, but he knew he couldn't say no to her. She was far to headstrong and determined... and man did he miss her.

“Okay, I will have his driver go an pick him up.”

“You aren't going to pick him up yourself?”

“Emilie I have work to do. Besides that is why we have...”

“You can take some time off to bond with your son. Seriously, you need to stop putting up walls Gabe-y.”

Gabriel took a calming breath to compose himself.

“Very well. But do use this time to rest.”

She moves to kiss her husband.

“I promise.”

Gabriel’s expression turned into a soft smile.

“I will be back with our son shortly.”

Gabriel left the room to go pick up Adrien.

Emilie smiled as she moved to vase of roses. She picked on up and sniffed it.

The rose in her hand began wilting and shriveled up.

She looked in the mirror.

“Everything went perfectly.”

______________________________________________________________________

End of part one

(Should I continue? Let me know your thoughts)

[seriouslysam8]

Hello, Sam!

I have just started reading your series Moments in Time that I saw Breanie recommended and I must say, it is absolutely wonderful so far!

Croup: This was not at all what I expected! I stumbled across this universe recommended on Breanie’s tumblr and thought I better start in order. PUH-Tunia really is a bitch! You can just see the abuse already inflicted on him and he’s only three! The mental anguish of a three year old being told he can’t have nice things because he breaks them can’t have been good for poor Harry! No wonder’s so unsure of everything later on. Yelling at him because he’s sick like it’s his fault! Im surprised she even gave him medicine! Wanting him to sleep outside in the “frigid air” and only deciding not to because the neighbours might see really says a lot about her personality. Ive never read anything from Petunia’s point of view before but well done. I hate her even more than before. I look forward to following this new adventure that is your moments in time universe. Great read!

The Boggart of Grimmauld Place: This was just so heartwarming! Harry getting to spend even a little time with Remus and Sirius at Grimmauld Place was what was missing from canon. Memories of his grandparents, learning about them. It was just lovely! When Harry is ashamed of wanting Sirius to embrace him a little longer my heart ached for that poor boy who never got to feel real hugs and affection. He thinks he should be ashamed for wanting to feel it and he shouldnt! I blame for petunia for that. I meant to say that in Croup how she touched his forehead to check for a fever and he flinched like he’d been expecting her to hit him. Poor poor little Harry. I love how you play on the connection here between Harry and Sirius and even parallel it to the Potters and Weasleys. Harry being surprised that he would be in Sirius’ will at all. Harry just being surprised that people care about him. Makes me want to just give him a hug! What abeautiful story! Thank you.

Hide and Seek: This was so fun! I love the thought of them all playing hide and seek in Grimmauld Place and everyone joining in! Remus and Tonks making out in the cupboard was the best! It was definitely my favourite part and Sirius just teasing them! Hermione thinking something happened between Harry and Ginny. I loved how Harry opened up a little to Ginny. You could see he was actually really comfortable with her in a way he’s not with people. Absently massaging her wrist, touching her. He was caught up in her without realizing he was caught up in her. Adorable! The second addition was wonderful! I love how Ginny just took control, loosening his tie, taking off his jumper… they are the superior couple! While I am a tad disappointed to not see them making out at the end, I loved this story. Thank you.

Seventeen: Wow! This was a story I didn’t know I needed. Harry and Ron lovingly admitting they’re brothers warms my soul. I love that touch of giving them matching watches! Was that canon? If not it should be. Mrs weasley feeling guilty over Sirius is so like her. She loves and cares for Harry as if he’s her own son and it’s wonderful to see. The last bit with Ginny was perfect! They definitely had to do more than the uninterrupted kiss and I love how Harry just basked in her. The end made me so sad! His heart breaking over missing her birthday, lost opportunities. Very beautifully done! These one-shots are amazing and I look forward to reading more of them. Thank you.

The Demise of Walburga Black: This was absolutely amazing! The image you crafted of them laughing like lunatics as they destroyed her portrait was awesome! What I like most so far about your writing is how you gently weave in Harry’s relationship with the Weasleys. I love the idea of George moving in with him and Ron, that Harry would offer his home to him like that. I love that Harry goes to Mr Weasley for renovation advice. I think its so hot that Harry would renovate the Muggle way (so sexy to see men in a tool belt and I’m going to assume he’s shirtless and sweaty). I love that it was Angelina’s idea and how you casually had Ron toss in that George and Angelina were already sleeping together. George not really being drunk, is that because he drank a lot to cope with Fred’s death? I think it is. Harry’s reaction to being caught by Mrs Weasley, how his guilt eases into pleasure that Mrs Weasley would call both himself and Ron George’s “younger brothers” and his glee in being lectured by her in a motherly fashion. And dont even get me started on the scene with Ginny! The way he gushed on his drunken ramblings about making a home with her and wanting to raise a family and her not wanting to get her hopes up because he’s so drunk! I laughed out loud when Harry said that drunk Harry wants to do dirtier things with her or something like that. Just wonderful all around! Where’s Teddy in this story? I know he lives with Andromeda in canon but I thought I read that you have Harry raising him. Ah well, maybe the next tale will answer that question! Thank you.

That’s all I’ve had time to read so far, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing such a rich and vast universe! I can definitely see why Breanie recommends you so much! I have a few questions if you don’t mind.

1) What made you decide to write a story about Harry’s early childhood from the point of view of Petunia instead of Harry?

2) Do you think Petunia and Vernon physically abused Harry when he was little? It’s fairly obvious he had psychological abuse, but do you think there was more?

3) Do you think Ron and Hermione knew Harry had never played childish games like hide and seek as a child? Do you think the others knew and that’s why they all agreed to join in?

4) When do you think Harry actually started to notice Ginny? Was it in his fifth year and he just didn’t realize or do you think it was later? There is the scene where she puts him in his place over the possession bit and of course when they get kicked out of the library together. What are your thoughts?

5) Was it canon that Ron and Harry have the watches of Mrs Weasley’s brothers?

6) Do you believe George could handle his alcohol better because of his age or were you insinuating he had become accustomed to the drink after losing Fred?

7) Where is Teddy when Harry lives at Grimmauld Place? From the summaries of your stories I got the impression Harry raised him. But I haven’t read any further so I may be wrong.

Sorry for so many questions, but I am curious. I look forward to reading more. Thank you for your time. You’re amazing and I love your work! Thank you.

I have been following your review journey and getting more and more excited the further you get into the universe!! I am going to try my damndest to answer all these asks you’ve sent today but I have an incredibly busy weekend, so it may take me a little bit to answer them all especially if you’re asking specific questions since I won’t have access to my computer a lot. So, I will answer all your asks, but give me the weekend because I want to give you the best and most detailed answers I can!

1.) Honestly, Croup and Brontide (I promise, no spoilers) are the reason I started this as a series. I mentioned Harry had croup a lot as a child in Brontide and then wanted to write a companion piece. I thought, what better way to demonstrate Harry’s childhood then telling a story through Petunia’s POv because she’s absolutely horrible. Plus, I didn’t think I could get into the mindset of any other POV for that story.

2.) I definitely think there was physical abuse as well. It’s indicated in the books (Harry knowing to dodge away from a frying pan or something). So, I do feel they did physically abuse him as well. He has a few scars to show from it.

3.) No, I don’t think they knew. Maybe some suspected it but not know. I think everyone was just sick of cleaning Grimmauld Place and wanted to do something fun. It didn’t matter it was a child’s game. They just wanted something to do.

4.) I think he started to like Ginny as a friend in fifth year. I think he started to notice her as someone more than just Ron’s little sister. I don’t even think he noticed how he felt comfortable around her in fifth year either. I like to think all the dots started to connect earlier than 6th year but Harry just didn’t know what it all meant. Then 6th year come and he’s like crap… I really her! But it was building, unknowingly, to Harry before then. Ginny had been slowly forming into her own person in Harry’s mind and he felt comfortable and liked what he saw. He just didn’t connect it romantically at that time.

5.) No, the watches isn’t canon. I wish it was though. Honestly, when I wrote it, I totally forgot they mentioned Ron getting a brand new watch in canon until months after I wrote the story.

6.) George was a bit of an alcoholic after the war. It’s mentioned more in-depth in Brontide. But he definitely held his alcohol better because he has been spiraling into alcohol abuse for months by that point.

7.) So, again it’s mentioned in Brontide, but Teddy lived with Andromeda for the first year of his life before Harry gained custody of him. Andromeda didn’t feel comfortable with Harry raising Teddy at first. Once she got to know him and see how much Harry cared for Teddy, she handed over custody to Harry so that Teddy could live a more normal life and have parents and siblings.

[marauder-exe]

Sick of it- Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Request: I’m not sure if you’re taking requests rn...but I would love to see a fic with hotch where maybe he has feelings for the reader who’s in her 20s and she gets injured on the job, leaving her deaf. She’s able to continue working with the BAU but can’t do any extensive field work. She just gets sick of everybody questioning her capability of doing her job.   Sorry if that’s too much lol 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Word Count: 1.1k

Warnings: bomb explosion, loss of hearing, angsty but happy ending kinda.

A/N: Welcome back to: Reid loves cliffhangers (in actuality she can just never finish fics)

“Hotch I've told you I'm fine, We got everyone, we detonated all the bombs. Morgan and I are doing a last clearing of the scene, then we’ll be on our way back” You spoke into the phone while continuing to search the area. “Okay, I just-” He hesitated. He couldn't let you know about his feelings. “Your one of the greatest agents this team has ever had, we need you.” He decided to say instead. He always covered his feelings with business. He sighed on the other end of the phone. “Thank you, Aaron” He could've sworn his heart skipped a beat every time you called him Aaron. “i am fine though I prom-” Your words were soon cut short when an ear-splitting explosion echoed through the receiver, quickly followed by a scream of your name from Morgan. His heart dropped. There was a deathly silence. “(Y/N)! Morgan! Whats going on?” His heart clenched at the thought of anything happening to you. He had gained feelings for you around year ago. You had been transferred from Interpol, and quickly proved to the team that you where everything you got cracked up to be. The day he realised it, he felt so guilty. You were 24, he had feelings for a 24 year old. You where old enough to be his daughter. He couldn't do that to Hailey. He tried to repress his feelings. Push so much stuff down on top of them, so he couldn't feel them any more. It never worked though. He turned around to the startled faces of his team, confused by his shout. “Hotch? Whats wrong?” JJ asked, taking in his pale face. “Its-Its (Y/N). i-i heard an explosion and then Morgan shouting her name and then-and then nothing” He dropped the phone he was holding, as if the shock had just knocked him back into action. He ran from the small police room that the team had set up into his jeep. Turning it on, ignoring the shouts of his team, he sped off down the street. “JJ, update the sheriff, me and Reid will go after him” Emily said, loading into her jeep.

The wait was horrendous. It was perhaps the longest wait of his life. Or at least it felt like it. He sat in the uncomfortable hospital chairs, his knee bouncing rhythmically. He was surrounded by the team, it was clear him and Morgan were the most affected though. Morgan having been there when the bomb went off. He thought about everything. The time you shared together. All the days off that were sent together. The laughs that were shared. The tears that were shed. He thought of it all. He also thought about how he didn't tell you. Didn't admit his feelings for you. And no you might die thinking that no one loves you. It was bitter torture, watching the doctors walk in and out of the waiting room, none of them for you. Until finally, a young male doctor approached the team. “uh, Mr Hotchner?” He asked towards him. His head shot up as he immediately walked over to the doctor. “Thats me” “Shes stable. But she did suffer extensive injuries, im aware the bomb was directly next to her?” He nodded. “Shes lucky she survived, but he did. There wont be much permanent damage. Although we don't know to what extent, we imagine she suffered massive hearing loss. We've assessed her and right now she cannot hear anything, she's completely deaf. We don't know if that will improve in the future” The young man informed Hotch. His stomach dropped. He couldn't believe he let this happen. It was all his fault. He let you go. He didn't even come with you to the scene. He could've stopped it. He completely derailed your life. You where 24. You had so much more that you could do. “You can visit her now, she's lucid so she should be fine” The team sprang up to go to your room. They carefully entered the room, hoping not to startle you, Although you already looked panicked. They assumed the doctor told you about your condition. Your head perked up when you saw your team coming through the door. Tears still streamed down your face as Hotch rushed over to you. “Hotch-Hotch, im deaf, im not- im not gonna be able to my job i-” You sobbed as he cradled your face into his hands. He knew you knew sign language but he didn't. He looked around as his teams sad faces. Prentiss looked at him. “I- I know sign language” Emily stepped forward next to your bed, and began explaining everything.

“I can do my job Hotch! Just because I cant hear any more doesn't mean im less able than anyone else out there” You snapped, gesturing to the room full of profilers. It had been a hard 6 months. You had recovered perfectly well, you hearing, not as much. You weren't aloud to do field work any more. You were constantly stuck doing paperwork, or in some stuffy police room. An ignorant comment from a police officer on your recent case had caused you to snap. “i know you can” He tried. Since the explosion, you had mastered lip reading, as well as gotten a hearing aid, as it was more convenient. “So why! Why has everyone been baby-ing me for the past months? Im so sick of everyone, even people I don't know, treating me like im unable to do the job Ive been working for my entire life! Im sick of it” You burst out, glad for the soundproof room. “No one is babying you” He returned. You scoffed and raised your eyebrows. “no ones been babying me? Okay. Dont act stupid Hotch. You see the way everyone acts around me. Constantly stepping on eggshells. I may of lost my hearing but I still have my profiling skills. Even you Big bad boss Hotchner has gone soft, something I never thought id see” “I haven't gone soft” He insisted. He had gone soft. Well he had always been soft for you, but now he showed it. “No? So whats all of it for? The driving me home, checking my place everyday, bringing me take out, making me dinner, bringing Jack around more often, Whats that for then?” You threw your arms around angrily. He was gonna say it. He couldn't stop it. “Its because I love you! I recognised you need help, now I finally have an excuse to do everything ive wanted to do for the last year.” He snapped back. He couldn't believe he had just said that. And by the look on your face, you couldn't believe it either. “What?” You whispered, heart race speeding up.

[littlemrcaprisun]

TW: major character death, mentions of illness/disease, extreme alcohol consumption

This time wouldn’t be any different than the last: Dani would pack up her bag, kiss her girlfriend goodbye and go stay with her mom for a few weeks. They’d go to doctors appointments, she’d give her mother poisonous cocktails through an IV that made Dani question how it even helped, and then she’d take the long drive back home. Every time the disease recurred the four of them; her two sisters and their mother, would spend hours discussing what the game plan was going to be. It never changed. Sofia was always too busy with school halfway across the country and god forbid anyone asked her to come care for her dying mother. Then there was Tiffany, the baby, she lived with Alcina but at 16 and in high school there wasn’t much the poor kid could do for their mother. So that was the end of it.

This last call felt different, Alcina felt more desperate for Dani to come, for both her and Sofia to come. Sofia made a promise to come at the end of the semester and Dani swore at her for five minutes while Alcina tried to calm her and Tiffany cried. Mother was dying and Sofia was wasting precious time with her. Dani told Sofia to go fuck herself and hung up and hasn’t spoken to her since. That was two weeks ago. Now as Dani pulls into the long drive of the mansion just beyond the family vineyard, she wants to vomit. How much longer would they have to do this? How much longer could their mother hold on like this?

It took her a full five minutes of standing outside the front door before she was finally able to knock. From the other side of the door Dani can hear the wheels of the IV stand getting louder as her mother approaches the door and as the door opens Dani’s breath leaves her body. Alcina has never looked this horrible. Her face was a hollow shell of what it used to be, dark empty eyes, unnaturally protruding cheekbones; but her smile was still warm and still felt like home. Dani refused to hug her, she couldn’t bring herself to do it, that wouldn’t feel like her mom.

“Hello, little ladybug.” Her voice doesn’t even sound right. It’s tired, raspy, just sick. Dani can’t even explain it any better than sick. “Oh, Daniela, please stop staring at me. I know I look atrocious, I have to see myself everyday.”

“You always look beautiful, mother.” Dani’s comment is quick and she brushes it off as quickly as it comes out. “Where’s Laughy Taffy?” Dani crosses into the foyer and throws her bag down next to the stairs to deal with later. The house smells more and more like a hospital the closer Dani gets to her mother’s bedroom. It feels far more familiar than the sickly sweet artificial scents her mother kept to try to cover the smell of disinfectants and latex gloves. Dani can’t help herself when she passes by but to open the door and peak inside. The sight should fill her with sadness but it makes her angry. The machines’ gentle hums sound more like laughs mocking Dani, the hospital bed sitting at 45 degree feels like it is sitting up and judging her, the pepto-pink emesis buckets stacked nearby make her nauseous. This just had to happen to their family. This just had to ruin their lives.

“They brought a new machine last week.” Tiffany’s soft melodic voice interrupts Dani from the rage building in her chest. “It’s so she can do all of her treatments at home now. I can show you how it works.”

Dani turns around and all but throws herself at her sister, pulling her not so little sister into her arms. “You can show me that stuff later. I wanna know about how you’re doing. You’re like 6 feet talk now, right? Almost as tall as mother.”

“Yeah… Last doctor's appointment I was around 5’8” or something.” Tiffany shrugs it off, trying to act like she wasn’t proud of her height, like she didn’t love towering over her older sister.

“Why did you have to go to the doctor?” That word was like a bad omen in this house. It left their mouths feeling dry and their skin crawling.

“Just my yearly physical for tennis. Don’t worry.” But worry was the only thing that they could do in this family. Every second was spent worrying whether or not Alcina was going to have another nose bleed, or if she was going to be able to get out of her chair, or if she would even wake up in the fucking morning. “So, has she talked much about this with you? Or is she keeping everything to herself again? The doctor had to call me again this time because she wouldn’t.” Dani tries to keep it casual as if this is the kind of conversation they have everyday, though at this point that’s what it was turning into. Tiffany’s face grows solemn and grows dark.

“She won’t tell me anything, neither will the doctors, but I know it’s worse. She is so sick. She throws up all night and her medicine is stronger and sometimes she doesn’t remember who I am…” Tiffany starts hyperventilating and Dani hugs her once again.

“Hey, hey. Don’t worry about it. It’s gonna be just like last time, okay? She’s gonna be sick for awhile, I’ll be here for a few months then she’ll start to feel a little better, then she’ll go back into remission.” Dani assures Tiffany, not realizing that their mother was standing behind them listening to everything.

“Tiff, my sweet, will you go grab my pill box from the kitchen? I forgot it before dragging myself up here.” Alcina makes them jump with her sudden appearance. Tiffany bounds down the stairs, ready and willing to do anything for her mother at any moment. “Dani, come here. We need to speak.”

They sit on the edge of the thin, firm hospital grade mattress and Dani knows the bad news is coming: a new prognosis.

“How long? Just tell me.” Dani looks down at the beige carpet, focusing on a faded stain where she had spilled grape juice when she was 6.

“Daniela… please.” Alcina reaches for her child’s hand but she pulls away. “Three months.”

Suddenly, Dani feels like she’s going to pass out. That’s the shortest time they’ve ever given her. Nothing hurt this bad, nothing had ever knocked the air out of her lungs like this just did. “Wh-Why? What happened? You’ve always been able to manage this and you’ve always been able to come back from this. You’ll be fine.”

“Ladybug, we always knew this would happen.” Alcina is trying to be gentle but that isn’t what Dani needs. Dani needs to know now.

“Mother, tell me, now.”

“It’s progressed. There is no chance for remission, there is no more treatment, there is nothing else. This is the end of the line, my sweet.” Alcina seems peaceful and that makes Dani angry. She wishes she could feel anything but angry. “I’m ready, it's okay. The medicine will help keep me comfortable until I slip away. It won’t be painful.”

“For you…” Dani’s eyes burn. “What about Tiffany? Are you just going to keep lying to her? She thinks you’re going to get better!” Dani doesn’t want to yell at the poor fragile woman but it just comes out but before she knows it her mother’s arms are wrapped around her holding her tight.

“We’re all going to be okay.”

[sultry-lows]

Is it Wrong to Want to Leave?

Cw: police brutality, racism, sexual assault, medical trauma, chronic illness, near death experience, PTSD, America’s general awfulness.

2020 has ripped up nearly all of the ‘stakes’ I had in America.

I’m a lesbian and my partner is a black woman. One of the black women shot this year shares her name. We hit the streets in protest, as safely as we could, and ive watched her crumble more and more under the weight of every new murder. Two nights ago a black man was shot in the street by a cop in her hometown, 30 minutes away. She went silent all night.

Three nights ago she was followed home by a mysterious blacked out vehicle that tailed her for 10 minutes until she floored it and sped away. When she came home she was shaking, told me about waiting in the parking lot with her seat down praying no one followed her through the gate. When she told me she hadn’t called 911, I breathed a sigh of relief and thought “Thank God.”

Three months ago her car was broken into outside of our apartment. Two months ago we caught a peeping tom staring through the gaps in our fence at me as I was sunbathing on our tiny ‘patio’ in a two-piece bathing suit. it brought me back. Four years ago a man broke into my apartment when I was home alone and attempted to rape me when I was in the shower. It was my next door neighbor. He had been stalking me. The cops made a big show of bringing out helicopters and dusting every surface for fingerprints, and then I never heard from them again. That man had to die of a heart attack for me to be able to sleep at night. I still shower and sleep with a knife sometimes.

There are gunshots, street racing, and fireworks outside of our apartment every night now.

Five months ago we both lost our jobs on the same day because the company we both worked for for 5 years suddenly laid off 1,500 employees. We have been at the mercy of the unemployment system ever since.

In less than two weeks, the high school and middle school where she is interning is reopening in person learning. She has no choice but to be back in the schools, or she will not graduate. She does not have medical insurance because we lost our jobs and can not afford medical insurance. She has chronic asthma. If she god covid, it could kill her, and certainly would financially destroy us.

Two months ago I got sick, really sick. More sick than I’ve ever been in my life. I get to be on my parents health insurance for one more year. Despite having pretty much the best PPO health insurance you can have through my fathers work, trying to get medical care was a literal nightmare. I was chasing down specialists that wouldn’t see me anywhere but telehealth even though I’d lost over 20 pounds in one month. Fighting a specialist who told me to eat a massive amount of garlic, then later learning that garlic is a diuretic that likely exacerbated my condition. I got sent home from the hospital after coming in with both a GI bleed AND an 8cm ovarian cyst. I was not treated. 12 hours later I was back at the hospital because my cyst had ruptured in my sleep and I was in the worst pain of my life. I was given morphine snd sent home again. 6 hours later I was back at the hospital again with a 102.1 degree fever, shaking so hard that I couldn’t stand up or speak. I was severely septic. I was diagnosed with c diff. I was told that night that the huge amount of antibiotics they were pushing would stabilize me, or that I was about to go into multi-organ failure. I was told I was borderline. I was told I could die. I spent the next 3 days in the ICU. The next 4 in the general hospital. I couldn’t see my girlfriend or my family the entire time. You cant have visitors in the hospital because of covid. The bill just for the first 2 (two hour) visits is already $1,500. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be for the week long ICU and hospital stay. I can’t breathe when I think about it. I just got out of the hospital 4 days ago, and my body is broken from this illness. My heart pounds from sitting or standing up. My girlfriend is my caretaker. No one else can come over and help because I’m now immunocompromised and can’t be exposed to covid. None of this would have happened if the doctors had listened to me beg and had taken care of me in the first place. I have to talk myself down from panic attacks almost daily because I almost died. I really almost died.

There are riots in the streets. The president will not commit to a peaceful transfer of power. I’m watching the right wing people on my fb get more and more comfortable saying some terrifying things about “the blacks” and “the gays”.

My girlfriend and I have always been fighters at heart. Always at protests, always speaking up, always ‘fighting the good fight’. But we are both exhausted. My birthday is in a couple weeks and I feel like I’ve fully lost a year of my life. We have been passionately studying French together for the last 3 months. She has family in France. She has family in England. We are pushing to get our passports as quickly as possible. Is it wrong??? Is it wrong that I don’t want to fight the fight anymore? That I want to run away with her and find peace somewhere else in the world?? Is it wrong that if we left tomorrow, the only thing that would hurt is leaving behind 3 very close friends and 3 very close family members? I don’t feel safe here anymore. I don’t feel SHE is safe here anymore. For the first time ever it’s not just a daydream, my heart is set on getting out, and never looking back.

[banashee]

Part 6/25 of my @badthingshappenbingo​ round 2

Prompt: Denied food as a punishment

This is also Part 1 of a new series: “Like a ghost in the back of my mind”

please mind the tags and warnings!

 A growing emptiness

 A big part of his childhood, Clint spends either hungry or worrying about food.

 He learns early on to take food whenever possible, because the likelihood of there not being any later is high. Most of the time, it’s due to poverty. This is often paired with his father (or later, other caretakers) spending money on booze rather than food. Satisfying their own needs instead of feeding the kids. Sadly, he is used to it and so he learns to eat whenever possible, whatever he can get his hands on any. Clint isn’t picky at all.

 He’ll eat something even though it may be off. Clint has scraped mold off of bread more than once, forced himself to choke down something he doesn’t like at all, because it’s still better than nothing.

 Sometimes, when things get bad, he’ll steal food.

 He is ashamed of it, but not enough to stop. Running from someone who is angry he took some sort of fruit or vegetable from their garden is much preferred to digging through a trashcan. He does that, too. Some days, he’s got no other choice, especially if he managed to piss off Duquesne or Chisholm and they decide to cut him off.

 “Pissing them off” can mean many things, and as much as Clint can be sassy or big mouthed when he wants to, more often than not, it’s not even anything he said.

 He might not train hard enough to their liking, he might fail because he is sick or distracted. Any number of things that are out of his control.

 Sometimes, they just feel like it. “You owe us your life” they’ll say, or “I decide if you’ll eat or not. Today you won’t.”

 Clint gets used to this, too. It is one of the biggest reasons he’ll hoard food whenever he can get any. Occasionally, Barney or Chisholm will find it, and then all hell breaks loose, leading to more yelling, more bruises, more cuts or broken bones.

 He is more careful after that. Clint also gets used to ignoring hunger - he’s been used to it long before, but living the way he does only makes it worse.

 It’s not until much, much later when Clint is an adult and with SHIELD that he realizes just      how     fucked up his upbringing really was.

 Yes, it hurt, and yes it sucked, in countless different ways. But he never knew anything else back then.

 The thing is, if it happened to anyone else, he’d have started a riot for their cause. But him? That’s just how things are and better deal with it he kept telling himself.

 Now, that Clint is older and out of this environment,  he has learned that, despite his experiences, not all people are bad.

 There are people who love and support him, people who see more in him than someone who is worth something because of his skillset. People who see him as a friend because of him, and not what he can do.

 Until he gets there, it is a long way.

 Clint doesn’t trust anyone, avoids personal interactions whenever possible. It’s easier to protect himself that way. The one exception is Agent Phil Coulson, who has recruited him - that is, he pulled him out of a shithole and offered a new job, a new life. Him being his assigned handler helps, too. No one else wants to deal with him, and he’s okay with that.

 He’ll do his job and do whatever is asked of him, but he doesn’t want anyone around him, really. People mean risk means attack means loss of control.

 Never again.

 Apart from the obvious, working with SHIELD also means a lot more freedom than he had before. Sure, he’d spent 3 years on the streets and working highly illegal jobs, but he really doesn’t count “on the run” as freedom. The army, circus or foster care don’t come anywhere near that word and neither does any other part of his childhood.

 Now, he has legal work with times and places to be when it’s ordered, but he’s got a place to go back to, a bed to sleep in and a cafeteria that’s open 24/7.

 If he is being honest, that last part is kind of overwhelming. Especially in the first days and weeks, he expects the access to it to be revoked at any time, to find the doors closed some day. It never happens, but it doesn’t stop him from squirreling more bread rolls and packets of chips for later into his pockets. No one notices, or if they do, no one calls him out of it. It is as good as permission as it gets.

 The thing is: Clint is used to starvation. He never really had regular meals, it was always eat whatever you can, how much you can and then hide more for bad times. Sometimes, that meant 6000 calories in one day and a few granola bars over the course of the next week.

 It’s a pattern he is used to, and as such, his visits to the cafeteria are few and far between, but he does pack away more than most when he is there.

 Clint doesn’t think anyone would care enough to notice.

 He is wrong.

 Clint has been with SHIELD for several months when Phil Coulson approaches him after a meeting. There are other Agents present, so he simply tells him, “Barton, a word please.” while walking past, trusting that he’ll follow him. He does.

 When the door to Coulson’s office closes behind then, Clint asks,

 “What’s up, boss?”

 “Sit, please. This isn’t strictly work-related, but it worries me.” Phil knows he needs to be careful how he approaches this situation, because Barton doesn’t trust most people. He does, however, trust him, which is half the reason he is talking to his asset about this when most would have booked him an appointment with psych with no questions asked. In this case, it would be a sure way to lose whatever trust Barton managed to build in the past few months since he joined the organisation.

 Clint sits down on the chair across from Coulson, frowning. He isn’t sure where this is going, and he hates that.

 “Yes?” he asks curtly, waiting for more explanation.

 Coulson speaks deliberately, keeping his body language open. The last thing he wants is for this to come across as accusatory.

 “It’s something I noticed, and to be honest, I think you need help. Ever since you joined us, I’ve never seen you eat anything for more than a few times a week. Let alone multiple times a day. Not here or when we are out on missions…”

 A deep flush creeps up Barton's neck. He isn’t angry, which surprises him. But he is deeply embarrassed that someone noticed his patterns.

 “Oh.” he says, and stays silent for a bit. Thankfully, Coulson lets him, waits for him to say anything else.

 “It’s fine, I’m used to it.”

 Except, it isn’t fine.

 It’s never affected his work before, but things get stressful and then, a mission goes to shit in all the wrong ways.

 The circumstances are out of anyone's control, but when it gets down to it, people die and Clint, who has a bullet stuck in his shoulder, can’t react fast enough to save them all.

 He finally gets a clear shot and with pain shooting through him, he manages to bring down the men who shot a group of civilians and two of their agents just seconds before, saving the remaining people. Unfortunately, they can’t do anything to help either their two agents or the family that was captured by them. One teenanger, a toddler and two adults. All of them are dead.

 He failed.

 Cold dread and nausea rise in Clint, and he manages to find an empty corner of the rooftop he is perched on before he is sick all over the place.

 He is dry heaving while the Senior Agent whose name he keeps forgetting yammers into the commlink, causing it to blow out with certain tones that are painful despite his already shitty hearing. The sensation makes it all worse, but Clint can’t talk, choking and coughing still, when suddenly, his private channel to Coulson crackles to life.

 It’s always in place, no matter what. Clint doesn’t trust anyone else like he trusts Coulson, and he appreciates him looking out for him that way. He is always more comfortable, when he knows that there is a line of communication open with him.

 “Barton, status report. Talk to me.”

 Clint chokes on air and stomach fluid again - there isn’t anything but water that he could throw up, but his body is reacting violently. There is blood, dripping from his shoulder and soaked uniform onto the floor. As much as he wants to say anything, he can’t.

 “Stay put, I’m coming.”

 With the other Senior Agent still yelling over the comms, with the pain, guilt and panic in his chest and dizziness in his head, Clint can’t focus on anything. He collapses on the floor, uncaring whether or not he lands in the mess, gasping for air and trying to get a grip on himself.

 Then, Coulson appears by his side. He faintly notices that he is talking to him, but he can’t make out his words. He is too far gone, and then he starts to black out. Part of Clint is glad that he can blame the tears in his eyes on pain from his bullet wound and the fact that he’s spent the last few minutes throwing up violently, but even in his sorry state, he knows he’s fucked up.

 When Clint wakes up, he does so in a hospital bed, drugged with pain medication. He hates it immediately, because hospitals, in his experience, are one of the unsafest places one could ever be in. He’s forced to stay in bed, hooked up to machines or IV lines, people know where he is and who he is and there is no way of defending himself in this state.

 His heartbeat speeding up and breathing gets hard. Before he can do anything else, a warm hand is placed onto his arm, and it takes Clint a while to realize that it’s Coulson, who is talking to him, trying to help and he doesn’t leave.

 Clint is too out of it to say or do anything about it. After a while, he falls back asleep.

 He doesn’t eat.

 The nurses pick up full trays every time, and they, along with the doctors and most of all, Coulson, express their concern.

 “I’m not hungry.” he insists every time, and gets more irritated with every attempt to talk about this.

 It must be a trick - Clint knows he fucked up, people died because of him. There is no reason he should eat - if he tries to take anything, things will get so much worse, and in his current state, he would be unable to defend himself. Better not risk it - he isn’t going to eat.

 At this point, Clint isn’t even half aware of how wrong this mindset is, and just how much damage was done to him over the years to believe all of those things. Another reason for this, that only occured recently: it is his way to stay in control over himself. No one can force him to eat, and no one can take it away from him.

 He is the one in control, even when he loses weight quicker than ever.

 Medical wants to keep him there, not because his injuries would demand it, but because he isn’t taking anything but liquids.

 Clint disagrees - he is fine, he insists, and takes the next opportunity to bolt when it presents itself.

 He hides out in his bathroom, doors locked, sitting on the cold tile floor and shaking apart.

 He is overwhelmed, anxious with guilt, nauseous from hunger and crying soundlessly out of sheer habit. It doesn't matter - there is no one around to watch him.

 Part of him is angry and disappointed with himself - being with SHIELD was the best chance he’s ever had, and he messed up after such a short amount of time. The aftermath sure doesn’t help, and all he wants is to get away. It might be less painful than being kicked out.

 He doesn’t know what to do, so Clint just keeps hiding until there is somebody at his front door,  knocking intently. He curses it, but eventually drags himself to the door and opens - he knows he can’t escape forever.

 To his surprise, he isn’t faced with an entire team of agents to be hauled away. The only person there is his handler, and Phil Coulson looks more worried than anything else. His frown only deepens when he sees Clint.

 To be fair, he really doesn’t look good at all. He’s lost a lot of weight, hasn’t slept and is holding onto sanity with his bare teeth at this point.

 “Hi Boss. You here to kick me out?” he rasps, and the look he gets in response is puzzled.

 “No, of course not. May I come in?”

 Clint steps aside, letting him in. He doesn’t look back while shuffling to the living room, and it is clear that his shoulder is still giving him trouble. Despite his best attempts to hide it, it is obvious to Phil, who is close behind him.

 Once they’re sitting down, Clint remains silent. He is fidgeting with the fabric of a throw blanket, waiting for Coulson to talk - if he isn’t here to kick him out of SHIELD, he really doesn’t know why he would bother to come.

 “To be honest, Barton, I’m not entirely sure what is happening. But something isn’t right, and I hope that we can find a solution.”

 It’s all he can do to nod. He is exhausted and besides, he doesn’t know what he could say, either.

 Coulson continues, “The last mission…” but Clint pales at the thought of it and he can’t stop himself from blurting out,

 “I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. Wasn’t fast enough... Six people died...“

 “You got hurt.” Phil replies, looking over to the couch where his asset is slowly shrinking into himself. Shit. He really must have underestimated this young man’s state of mind. Carefully, he continues.

 “None of this is your fault - did you think we would blame you for the outcome?”

 This seems to genuinely confuse him. “Uh - yes?”

 Slowly shaking his head, Phil replies,

 “No. Sometimes, things just go wrong and there is nothing we can do about it, except our best. You were injured, which you reported, and you still managed to save five other people. This is more than we could have hoped for. You did a good job out there, especially under the circumstances.”

 “...Right.” It doesn’t sound like Clint believes it. He doesn’t have a reason to - nothing he knows or lived through would have indicated that something like this wasn’t to be blamed on anyone - probably him.

 “I understand that this is hard. We have mental health professionals to help with that sort of thing, and I think it would be of benefit for you to talk to them.”

 Clint remains silent - he doesn’t trust them. He has talked to them, right after joining the organisation - it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Giving away any kind of personal information makes him want to crawl out of his skin and hide somewhere. People knowing details about him is a dangerous thing, and as much as they’d needled and pushed, Clint managed to keep quite a bit to himself still. He is ridiculously proud of that.

 Right now though, he is tired. So very tired.

 “I don’t trust them.” he confesses silently.

 Phil nods slowly. He figured as much, understands even - he, too, isn’t too keen on sharing certain issues. But it is a well needed support system that exists for good reason. This is what he says, surprising both himself and Barton with his words, but truth be told, this is everything but a professional conversation. He wants to help, not just because Clint is his asset - he cares, on a personal level. Phil cares for all agents, especially the ones assigned to him.

 But something in this young man in front of him brings out his protective streak. It doesn’t matter that Barton is well trained in armed and unarmed combat, amongst other skillsets. He is 22 years old and as far as Coulson can tell, he’s never had a single soul he could trust or rely on in his life and he is determined to change that.

 “Medical say they’re concerned about you coping. And so am I. Have been for a while, actually.”

 It is clear that Phil refers to their conversation in his office a little while back. Clint sighs heavily.

 “I’m not very good at it right now.”

 He is beyond exhausted at this point, or he wouldn’t have opened up at all. As sad as it may be, but his handler is the only person who hasn’t fucked him over yet. He really hopes it stays that way.

 “It’s just that, I’m used to things going certain ways.” Clint explains, rubbing a hand over his face. Then, he suddenly finds himself talking about the circus.

 He is talking about food and shelter constantly being held over his head and how he eventually started to take back control in the only way he knew how. He is talking about starving and binge eating on purpose at first, and later out of sheer habit. Clint talks about the way the latest mission specifically triggered all of this, and he is pathetically proud of himself for being able to keep his emotions in check the entire time. It’s hard, harder than usual - but he is sharing so much already. He can’t do more.

 Phil is listening to him without a word, careful to keep his face even. On the outside, he is calm and collected, but the more he listens, the more furious he gets. There is no other way to say it. Seething anger boils in him, directed at every single person responsible for years of abuse and mistreatment of a child who grew up to be a damaged adult, still doing his best and thinking it isn’t enough.

 For how long he is talking, Clint wouldn't be able to tell. But once he is done, the room is completely silent and he is staring at a stain on the table - it’s easier than facing the fact that he just told all of these things to another human being. As much as it scares him, it may be just the right thing to do.

 Staring ahead and keeping his breathing as calm as possible is all he can do for now. But maybe, some day, he might be ready to accept help.

*+~

Warnings:

- Past Child Abuse - Food issues - Eating Disorder - Starvation - Denied food as punishment - Food hoardig - Dealing with related past trauma, PTSD - Death, dying children (non-graphic) - Vomiting - Blood and injury, gun wounds