#and she’s not just indifferent but dislikes him enough that she definitely wouldn’t cry if he got murdered while trying to save people

[daydreamerdrew]

Iron Man (1968) #61

[i-cant-sing]

An Accident

Yeah... you may have seen this before, earlier this week when I accidentally posted it. Anyways, this is a part 2 of the Todoroki clan being obsessed with reader's hair. So, um enjoy.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Todoroki Clan:

Rei is obsessed with reader’s hair.

She’s taken such good care of it, and after years of hard work, your hair now reaches just around your butt. Your hair is healthy, thick, luscious, and cut into a smooth, U shape; of course all trims are done by Rei herself because she doesn't even trust professionals. And even though you’ve asked Rei on multiple occasions to cut it short, at least up to the middle of your back, she just wouldn’t, always saying that you’re being unreasonable. But you’re not; you’ve given her multiple valid reasons.

For example, Rei and Fuyumi do your hair themselves. And initially, they would let you choose whatever hairstyle you wanted, but now they pick one for you, saying they know which one will suit your outfit of the day better. Rei likes to do double buns, or ponytails tied with ribbons or just one high pony with a pretty big bow on the top of your head. Fuyumi on the other hand makes super intricate hairstyles, and while they look pretty, only you know how much pain your scalp is in. Fuyumi does your hair as if you’re her doll, yanking and twisting hard, saying that she needs to be this rough to achieve the distinctive braid patterns. Thankfully, Rei usually does your hair most of the time.

One of the main reasons you've begged Rei to let you cut your hair short is how much time she (and you) would safe. Since your hair is so long, it takes a lot of time for Rei to put in hair masks, serums, oils, etc. It takes even longer to wash and dry them out, and then style them as well. But she smiled oh so kindly, and told you that she doesn't mind. She looks forward to taking care of your hair, forcing you to sit between her legs for hours as she applies some expensive magic growth oil, ignoring how you didn't like this.

And even if your hair is curly naturally, like even 4C curly hair, Rei will have it straight as a stick in no time (don't bother telling her that you like it natural). But don't worry, its still quite voluminous.

Of course, Rei washes your hair herself, telling you that you’re simply not capable enough to manage it. (At least she lets you wash your body yourself.) And due to your hair being so long, it takes time to not only wash it, but also dry it. Rei will detangle using a wide tooth comb, starting from the bottom and working her way up. Then she’ll dry it with her cold breath, and if required, call Enji to dry your hair with his heat. You like it when Enji dries your hair, because he does it quickly and your hair becomes far smoother.

And its not just Rei and Fuyumi that are obsessed with your hair, the boys are just as fond of it as well. Enji likes to card his fingers through your hair while he’s working on some papers or listening to news, his warm hands always putting you to sleep in his lap. Its an adorable sight, gives him a sense of peace.

Shotou also likes to run his hands through your long hair, especially after a stressful day. The feeling of his fingers through your smooth, long locks, it calms him. And if he’s feeling extra stressed, then he might braid your hair loosely as well. He always wears a scrunchie on his wrist for you.

You wouldn't ever admit it, but you enjoy it when Natsuo played with your hair. Its like he can sense when you're having a headache. He'll have you sit on the floor while he takes a seat on your bed, and then his fingers will do their magic. He knows exactly where to put pressure on your scalp, and exactly how much force to use. His massages always relieve your migraines, and he always massages with expertise to ensure their is proper blood flow in your scalp.

While you are more than happy to let Natsuo touch your hair, you hate it when Dabi's around. If you didn't know better, you'd think he wants to rip your scalp off. He knows how much it annoys you, always pulling at your ponytails, tugging at your braids, even yanking it a few times when you ignore him. And you've complained to your family, but all of them say that "oh he's just playing around." Or "no, he just misses you. He's only teasing." And when you ask Dabi to stop it, he'll just smile and say "big brother privileges."

He's insufferable.

Everyone gets to play with your hair, but God forbid if you do. Oh no, apparently you'd "destroy it", as if you're not capable of managing your own hair. You're not allowed to open your ponytails because, quoting Rei, "you're yanking your hair. You're going to rip your follicles- baby, stop. Just let me do it." But you know that she does that because she wants to brush your hair with the soft, bristle brush before you go to bed. And somedays, Rei doesn't tie your hair in a bun or something, letting your hair fall, and it gets in your way, and even then you're still not allowed to put it up because "oh honey, your hair needs to breathe too. If you keep it in a pony, the band will leave a mark in it." Honestly, everyone finds it adorable when you're dressed in your little, fluffy skirt paired with a cozy oversized sweater, all mad and pouting, trying to blow the hair strands blocking your field of vision. Like a little baby.

While Rei looks at your hair and sees years of her hards work and patience, all you see is losing control over your own life. And you are. They decide everything for you, from the clothes you wear, the food you eat, and even things you should like and dislike. They choose when you should go out, what you should watch, when its time for bed. They disregard your opinions and feelings, and if you show that you're frustrated, then its means that you're just throwing a "tantrum", and you need to be put to bed like some cranky child. You've told them that they're too overbearing, but they always say that they just love you.

What kind of love is controlling?

They're so lost in their delusions, that they don't even see the deteriorating effects it has on you mentally.

Actually, one person did see them. Dabi.

He saw how much everything was overwhelming you, how you were near tears when they talked over you, made choices for you.

He felt a bit bad for you, just a tad. Mostly, he felt there was another opportunity to mess with you.

When Dabi came to bother you one night, tugging at your hair again, this time a bit harder than usual, he saw you were ready to cry. You didn't even bother saying anything to him anymore, just kept quiet and did your best not to cry. Of course, now he ridiculed you. Called you a little crybaby and used that annoying patronising tone with you. And just as he was about to leave, he said "if your hair bothers you so much, why don't you just cut it, you big baby?"

As if something had finally snapped in you, you let his words echo. Why don't I cut it? What's stopping me?

Was it because you had learned to just give in?

You didn't even realise you had walked to your bathroom until you were holding a pair of scissors. Which surprised you, because you weren't allowed to use scissors unsupervised. It was almost as if a sign from the universe motivating you to do it, and definitely not Dabi who left them on the sink.

Holding the pair of scissors in one hand and a chunk of your hair in the other, you hesitate for a second and wonder what will Rei do. But before you could stop yourself, you cut.

I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

You start low, maybe 2 inches above your hips. It looks okay, but maybe you could cut a little more. And a little more. And a little more. Before you know it, your hair is around shoulder length, in an uneven, chunky bob. Its not perfect, but somehow you feel much better. Like you’ve finally gotten some control back. Wiping your tears away, you ruffle your hair a bit, the cool air on your neck adding to the feeling of freedom. You feel normal, happier, peaceful. Things you haven't felt in years. And all because you had 3 am meltdown.

After you cleaned up the bathroom, you went back to bed, anxious how everyone will react in the morning. Maybe they won't care. You thought. Its only hair. My hair.

Everyone was waiting for you at breakfast the next morning, and to everyone’s surprise, Dabi had joined them as well. Rei was cooking up some eggs, while the kids chatted. Enji was suspicious of the mischievous glint in Dabi’s eyes, and it was filling him with unease. Just as he was about to question him, you walked in.

Everyone went silent.

Then Fuyumi let out an audible gasp, while Dabi chuckled darkly. Natsuo, Shotou and Enji looked at you with their mouths agape.

“Good morning.”you greeted them.

Rei, who was facing away from you, finally turned towards you. “Good mo-”Rei’s breath hitched, eyes blown wide, as the plate of bacon fell from her hands.

Its funny how everyone in the kitchen, including you, had the same thought at that moment.

What the fuck?

Taking a deep breath, you moved to sit in your usual spot between Fuyumi and Rei, but Shotou suddenly pulled you back and pushed you into the seat beside him. He knows his mother is in a better state mentally, but something tells him not to risk it. Fuyumi snapped next, quickly getting up and cleaning the mess on the floor while Enji pulled Rei, who was still staring at you in disbelief, to sit beside him. You remained indifferent to everyone’s stares, quietly eating your food. As soon as you were done, Shotou got up and quickly pulled you out of the room, Dabi following close behind.

They sat in your room as Shotou looked at your hair with worry. “Looking nice, doll.”Dabi chuckled as he plopped down on your bed beside you. “Thanks.” you mumbled. “Y/n how did- why did you- why did you cut your hair?” Shotou asked, still looking at your choppy hair. “Do you not like it?” you asked. “N-no I do. But what will mom say-” “Shotou, its my hair.” you snapped. “Yeah, Shotou.” Dabi mocked. Fuyumi and Natsuo soon joined you guys, worrisome looks on their faces. “Why did you cut it? Oh my god, do you even know how much trouble you’re in?” Fuyumi was freaking out. “Its my hair.” you rolled your eyes. They ignored you. “Okay, okay. Shotou why don't you stick around with Y/n for a couple of days? Fuyumi and dad will try to keep mom away from her.” Before Fuyumi could nod, you stood up. “No.”

Natsuo looked at you confused. “what do you mean “no”?”

“I mean no. I don't need Shotou to babysit me. I can handle myself.” Fuyumi walked towards you, reaching her hands for you but you backed away, “Y/n, sweetie-” You cut her off ,“Stop treating me like a child.”

Shotou spoke this time, “Its for your protection-” “Protection from who? Our mother? Why?”your words dared them to say the truth. To agree that Rei was unstable. They didn't say anything.

A few days had passed by and things were returning to normal. Almost normal. Rei still had this thousand yard stare when she looked at you, but she never said anything. Cutting your hair was the best decision you had made, because not is it only easy to manage, but it also got the family off your back. Rei doesn't wash your hair anymore(although you think she's just not over the shock), Fuyumi doesn't need to do your hair, they dry faster, and all of your brothers (including Dabi) doesn't mess around with them anymore. Enji was the first to adjust to your new cut, he even complimented you one day.

Did you feel guilty because you know how attached Rei was to your hair? A bit, but then realised that you needed this. You need some control over your life, and if this is how they react to your new cut, then maybe you could start taking back reigns over other aspects of your life as well.

You thought that maybe Rei had finally gotten over it a week later, when you were laying in the bathtub, enjoying the hot bath. When you heard her walk in, you were a bit startled. Why was she here- is she finally over it? "Um- hey." She smiled at you. "Why are you here?" She took the bath stool and sat behind the tub. "You know why." She replied and started rolling her sleeves up. Is she here to wash my hair? "Oh, are you here to wash my hair? I don't need help with that anymore now that they're short." Rei smiled again, this one looking forced, before dipping her hand in the tub. "No, silly." And with that, Rei froze the entire the tub in 2 seconds. The ice trapped your limbs, and reached up to your clavicle. The sudden change from hot to cold had you jolt, but you couldn't move due to the frozen ice. "Mom-!" You heard the buzzing sound of a trimmer and then felt Rei entangle her fingers in your hair to yank your head back. "I'm here to complete your haircut." You tried moving your head but her grip on your scalp was unrelenting. She started trimming the right side of your head, moving it slowly as to get every single hair. "Honestly, you should've come to me. I do agree that it'd be a good idea to start again." Tears fell from your eyes, your teeth chattered and you could feel your heart beat slow down as the cold seeped into your bones. "M-mom, I'm col-d. P-please s-stop..." Rei was done with one half of your head. "You know, I read somewhere that your grows thicker if you cut it. I'm sure that after I've shaved your head, your hair will grow even fuller. I've already gotten some new oils and hair masks! Maybe we could do them together." You couldn't hear anything besides the slowing of your own heart beating. Your breath had started to become shallow, you couldn't think about anything except for how painful ice could be. Your lips were turning blue, eyes were getting clouded with black spots, all sensation from your body was losing. Just before you lost consciousness, you heard the bathroom door open and a panicked yell.

You felt warm.

When you came to, your entire body felt warm and weighted, probably due to the heavy blanket spread on you.

Opening your eyes, you found yourself in a dimly lit room. It was...your parents room. Why am I here? You turned your head to look around but your eyes stopped at the large figure sitting on a chair next to your bed.

"Dad?"

The figure's head snapped towards yours. "You're awake." He paused. "How- how are you feeling?" You moved the blanket off you, your body felt dense and ached. "Warm and...sore. What happened? Why am I in your bedroom?" Enji shifted in his seat. "I think its best if you stay here from now on, so that... your mother and I can look after you." Your eyes widened. "What? Why?" You moved to sit up but then a pain shot through your head. "Ah shit." You hissed in pain as you went to massage your temples but your hands halted at the feeling of your hair... or lack there of. You tried to run a finger through your choppy bob cut, but all you felt was your shaved head. Your eyes met Enji's, looking at him in disbelief as you recalled the events that had led up to this. "Darling-" You jumped off the bed and ran towards the vanity mirror, praying that this is just a nightmare. But as you looked at your reflection, you realised that this was the terrifying reality you were living in.

Tears dripped from your eyes as you took in your appearance. Trimmed- no, shaved pink hair. You couldn't see a single bit of hair above the roots, only a baby pink scalp. She had not only trimmed your hair first but then also proceeded to shave your scalp off. Your head looked like it had peach fuzz.

You couldn't bring yourself to look away, not even when Enji placed a hand on your shoulder. "Y/n-" He didn't even what to say. He was still in shock from what would've happened if Fuyumi hadn't yelled for him when Rei was-

Enji shook his head. Now's not the time. You're here and you're fine. You're fine. Enji pulled you towards him, burying your face in his chest as you cried. "You're fine." He repeated, more to himself than to you. "Why- why would she do this?" Your voice was muffled by his chest but he understood. He understood your pain and it tore him apart that he still wouldn't be able to help you.

Enji honestly didn't know what to tell you. He didn't know what words would bring you comfort. "It... it was an accident." His chest rumbled as he spoke. You pushed yourself away from him as you looked at him perplexed.

"What?" Your eyebrows raised, nostrils flared and blood rushed to your face. You were going to blow up.

"An accident? Is that what you said? Oh okay. Was it an accident when she froze the fucking tub? Did the trimmer accidentally fall from her hands to my head?! Oh and did she accidentally pull the razor over my head?!" Angry tears fell from your eyes but you were far too enraged to care.

Enji opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by the sound of the bedroom door opening. Turning around you saw her.

Rei was standing there with a tray of food and water. Her face turned to shock before turning to happiness. She set the tray on a nearby table before she rushed towards you, her hands reaching for your face.

"Angel, you're awake-" you pushed her hands away roughly as you backed away from her.

"Dont you dare touch me."

The couple, they had never heard your voice such hostility. It wasn't like you. Rei shook her head as she tried to reach for you again, taking another step in your direction. But you smacked her hands away again. "I said don't touch me!" Your yelling had got your siblings to rush in the room, wanting to see what the commotion was about.

Rei's eyes shifted from you to Enji, looking at him for help, before they returned back to you. She took a deep breath before speaking. "Y/n, darling. What's wrong?" You scoffed at her soft tone that tried to quell the storm of negative emotions bubbling inside you. "What's wrong? What's wrong? I don't know, you tell me, Rei. Why the fuck am I bald?!" Your head was pounding with rage, raw unbridled anger.

When Rei didn't say anything, Fuyumi stepped forward to help her out. "Y/n its-"

"Shut up."

Fuyumi's- everyone's eyes widened. Of everyone, you never even rose your voice at your favourite sibling. But to hear your voice turn so cold towards her, it shocked everyone. "Y-Y/n-" she tried again but you cut her off. "I said shut up. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Rei and she'll answer for herself."

Enji placed a hand on your shoulder, pulling you back slightly. "Have some respect. She's your mother-" You yanked your shoulder away from his grip. "No, she's not!" You inhaled deeply, trying to stabilise your voice. "No, she's not. You're not my dad. I'm not a part of this family. And I'm so sick of playing this game."

Dabi's eyes narrowed. "Stop being an ungrateful brat. You've been given all the luxuries one could only imagine, spoiled to no end-" You laughed. "Did I ask for anything?" "You never had t-" "And all these luxuries that you're talking about, I didn't get them for free. I had to give up a lot. No, wait-" you laughed again, tears blurring your vision. "I didn't give up anything. You all took it. Yeah, all of you snatched everything away from me. My family, my friends, my privacy, my sanity, everything. And you-" you moved towards Rei, pointing a finger at her. "You have been the most greedy one of them all."

Rei's jaw fell open, as she shook her head. "No-" You shook your head.

"Yes! I gave you everything. I let you dress me up in those god awful clothes, feed me whatever you wanted, stick to your side like glue because you don't like it when I was out of your sight for a more than a few minutes. For fucks sake, I didn't even go to college this year because you weren't ready to see me become an adult!" You ran a frustrated hand through your hair. "I played into your sick little fantasy. I let you treat me like a child, talk to me like I'm some helpless baby. I let you touch me even though it disgusted me to no end. I never even complained when you gave me ice burns because I was throwing a tantrum." You looked at the rest of your family, and they were shocked to hear that last bit. You smiled cruelly at them. "Yeah, you didn't know that did you?"

Rei was crying herself by now, as she reached out for you once again but you moved away. "I let you have everything. All I wanted was this little bit of freedom, for my own sanity. But you couldn't stomach that could you?" Your head hung low, your tears hitting the floor.

"Why do you have to be so selfish?"

Your voice held so much pain and defeat. Rei couldn't help but engulf you in her arms, wrapping herself around you tightly before you could even protest. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She cried out. "I- I promise I'll fix this! Yes. I-I've already gotten you some new hair oils! They say that they'll help you grow 6 inches in a month! Oh and Natsuo also brought some stuff for hair growth! Some vitamins and- Natsuo whats that spray called? Minoxy? Mi-minoxidil! Yes! He said that'll help you grow your hair in no time! Doesn't that sound nice? You'll have long hair like before!" Rei pushed back to look at you. You couldn't believe it.

"Are you- are you really that delusional?" Your voice was so soft, almost like you would break any moment now. "Are you so blind to see what you're doing to me?" Your eyes held so much pain and confusion. "Sweetie, don't worry- mommy will take such good care-" You pushed Rei away from you, your anger rolling back in full speed. "YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!" You shrieked. "Y/n-" Shotou tried to interject. "I'm not a part of your fucking family."

Enji stepped towards you. "Calm down."

You looked at him. "You said that what happened was an accident. What will you do if another one happens? And you're not around this time to save me? Hmm? What will you do? Continue playing house with my dead body?!"

Rei's sobs shook her body. "Shut up. Think before you say stupid shit like that." Dabi spoke this time, moving to stand between you and his mother. "Or what? You're going to hurt me? More the reason why all of you, but especially you-" you pointed at Rei "deserve to be in that nuthouse-!"

You were on the floor before you could even process what had happened. Had you- had you fallen? But when the searing pain of the burn on your cheek came alive and you looked at his hand that had erupted in blue flames, you realised what had happened.

Dabi slapped you.

"Y/n!"

Your cheek felt like someone had placed a hot iron on it, the sting spreading to your entire cheek, but you were far too shocked to care about the pain.

Dabi slapped me.

Shotou, Natsuo and Fuyumi quickly rushed to your side, picking you up and out of the room, while Dabi stood there in stunned as his own hand throbbed. The image of his handprint branded on your scared face wasn't going to leave his mind anytime soon.

Enji hesitated, looking at his wife and son in disbelief, before leaving the room to look for you.

Rei walked towards Dabi and smacked his arm. "What did you do?!" She yelled at him. He opened his mouth to explain but nothing came out.

"She's your little sister, Touya! W-why would you do that?!" Rei scolded him.

He hurt you. Like Enji hurt Rei.

He hurt you.

Rei sighed before closing her eyes and engulfing Dabi in her arms. "Its okay. Its not your fault." She rubbed his back soothingly. "It was an accident, wasn't it?"

Dabi wrapped his arms around his mother, burying his face in her neck, before nodding.

"Yes. It was an accident."

So... how was it?

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT Vol. 2 Sakamaki Shuu [Track 5 + Epilogue]

Original title: 愛しうる��り & エピローグ

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 2 Sakamaki Shuu

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Toriumi Kousuke

Translator’s note: This CD really did deliver near the very end and tugged onto my heartstrings BIG TIME. Shuu being honest with myself and realizing just how much he loves the MC is honestly one of my favorite things in the world. ;w; He definitely solidified himself as nr. 2 in my heart once more. (Sorry Shuu, Subaru will forever be number one. <3)

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 5: As Long as our Love Lasts

Shuu is playing the violin again.

( At some point, I grew tired of counting, or even thinking about how many times I had played the same song, or how many days - or perhaps even months - had passed since she fell into a deep slumber. )

*Snap*

“Oh...The string...I haven’t taken care of this thing for a while, so I guess this was bound to happen. ...In the end, my song never reached you, huh?”

*Thud*

He walks over to the bed.

“I’ve honestly seen enough...of this never-changing expression. I wish I could have seen a glimpse of your past self for one last time, but I guess it can’t be helped.”

He takes a seat.

*Rustle*

“I’m sure you’re aware, but I always hated being waken up from my naps. Therefore, hearing your approaching footsteps was the most annoying sound in the world to me. However, having your face be the very first thing I saw when I opened my eyes after you interrupted my sleep, honestly wasn’t half bad. ...Just the fact I felt that way, means that you must have at least meant something to me. 

...If you were to ask me the same question you did before, then I would probably give you the following answer. ーー You are special to me. Not because your blood is delicious. You are the only woman on this planet who I wouldn’t want to lose, even if your blood were to disappear, If only I had said these words to you back then...”

Shuu suddenly collapses onto the sheets.

*Rustle* 

“...Ah...The effects are finally kicking in, huh? ...I haven’t been getting a wink of sleep as of late...So to ensure I can finally get a sound sleep...Cough, cough...”

*Cling*

“I drank a certain drug from this bottle earlier...You’re not going to wake up anyway...So you don’t mind if I sleep alongside you, right? Even if that is an eternal slumber...When you’re with me, I don’t mind. That’s just how much Iーー...”

He scoots closer.

*Smooch*

“...love you. ...Ugh...Cough, cough...Haah, haah...I finally gave you the words you’ve been dying to hear...yet you’re missing out on them...You foolish woman...Hahaha...I guess I shouldn’t say that, huh...? Ugh...”

Shuu loses consciousness.

*Shatter*

( I lost the feeling in my limbs, before my mind went blank as well and before I knew it, I was unable to think of anything. I couldn’t fight back against my heavy eyelids. Now I can finally get some rest again. ーー That’s what I thought, yet...Aah, there it is again. I can hear her voice again. Per usual, she’s calling my name as if her life depends on it. I’ve heard this voice a million times, but in the end, it’s nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Even if I wake up, you won’t be there anyway. Therefore, I chose eternal sleep. )

*Rustle* 

( You’re persistent...Guess you’re stubborn even within my dreams, huh? )

You continue to call his name.

( Oh come on...Just let me sleep... )

You persist.

( Like I said, pipe down. Don’t shout my name over and over... )

*Rustle rustle*

“Nn...Hm? ...Ugh...”

*Rustle*

“What do you want? I was having such a nice nap...”

*Rustle*

“Ah...Oh? You...are awake? So that wasn’t just a hallucination right now? Or rather, why are you crying?”

You tell Shuu you thought he had died.

“Died? ...Oh, right. Why am I alive as well? Did you do something?”

You continue to sob.

“I can’t tell when you’re bawling like that...Hm? The taste of your blood...lingers inside my mouth.”

You explain.

“...You frantically tried to feed me your blood thinking that might be able to bring me back to life? I won’t deny that my wounds heal quicker when I have your blood...but I didn’t think it could serve as an antidote as well. Your blood really is something else. Well, you still won against it though. ...Oi, I don’t mind if you’re crying, but give me a good look at your face.”

*Rustle*

“I’m asking you to move closer. My body still feels heavy, I can’t move. Come on, scoot over.”

You move closer.

“How long has it been...? I’m actually reflected in your eyes.”

Shuu embraces you.

“Haah...”

*Rustle*

“Keep still. I can’t put in much strength since my arms are still numb.”

You ask Shuu what happened.

“I’m the one who wants to know what happened. Honestly, what made you suddenly wake up? Is it because I finally genuinely admitted my own feelings...?”

You tilt your head to the side.

“You know, you’ve been asleep this whole time, remember?”

You look at him in surprisement.

“Don’t tell me, you didn’t have a clue?”

You nod.

“Well, it happened out of nowhere, so I guess it’s obvious considering you were unconscious as well. ...No, it’s fine if you don’t remember. That was a nightmare anyway.”

You ask him if it was rough.

“...Yeah.”

*Rustle*

“A lot happened...It was one hell of a ride. But right now, rather than letting you go...”

*Smooch*

“Haah...Come on, don’t get all surprised over a little kiss still. However, I don’t dislike that side of you either. When you were asleep, you wouldn’t react no matter how many times I did this after all.”

*Smooch*

“...What? Don’t panic.”

You note his behavior seems off.

“Weird? You’re the last person I want to hear that from though. I told you, remember? I went through a lot. That being said, it doesn’t matter. It’s just...I came to realize a few things.”

You tilt your head to the side. 

“How you felt, for example. Or how important it is to put things into words every now and then. ...And what you mean to me, I suppose. ...I believe you woke up because I finally understood those things. Well, you don’t seem to realize that yourself though. Oh, right...I should apologize while I can. I’m sorry for acting indifferent towards you up till now. I deeply regret it. Soーー”

*Rustle rustle*

“...Please don’t get upset and fall into a slumber again, it pains me”

You tell him you never meant to do that to him.

“Even if that wasn’t your intention, it still happened. And it was much more wicked than having you lash out at me or run away from home. Not to mention it was extremely bothersome. I had to look after you 24/7, right? In that regard...you really are a handful.”

You apologize.

“Haha...You don’t need to say sorry, really. I’ve already accepted it. I’m to blame for falling in love with such a woman.”

Your eyes widen in sheer surprise.

“...What?”

You ask him to repeat himself.

“I said I love you, what about it? I said it earlier as we...Ah, right. I guess you didn’t hear me back then since you were still asleep. ...Haha, look at those rounded eyes, your face looks hilarious. ...I really do prefer seeing you like this.”

*Smooch*

“I understand you are having trouble believing me. I’ve only got myself to blame for that. However, I’m sure you’ll soon come to realize. I already had plenty regrets while you were asleep. From here on out, I’ll tell you these words until you’ll be tired of hearing them ーー How much I love you, that is.”

*Smooch*

Track 6: Epilogue

“...Hey.”

You turn around.

“You’re ogling way too much. It looks shameless, so come here.”

You run over

“Is an instrument store really that special to you?”

You nod.

“Well, I can imagine you have little affiliation with these places. When I bring up the name of a composer, you usually look at me as if I’m speaking Chinese. Although despite that, you seemed happy to visit this place.”

You explain.

“Ahー So that’s why. Honestly, it would have been much easier to just come by myself, but I’d rather not make you upset again by ignoring you.”

You smile, thanking him.

“...I see. Whatever. ...Anyway, I requested a full maintenance along with replacing the broken string, so it might take a while. We’ll get in the way if we wait here, so let’s go over there.”

The two of you move to another room.

*Creaaak*

You look around.

“It’s a test room. Customers can use this place to test out the intruments before purchase. There’s nobody here right now, so the owner said we can make ourselves comfortable.”

You ask Shuu if he plans to buy a new violin.

“No, I’m not buying anything. I like my current violin.”

You seem confused, wondering why you’re here then.

“You really are a fool, aren’t you?”

Shuu pulls you closer.

*Rustle*

“To kill some time, obviously.”

You get slightly flustered. 

“It’s a perfect way to combat the boredom, no? It’s muh more comfortable than having to wander around outside. On top of that...This place is soundproof. You can scream as loud as you want, nobody will hear. I’m sure you like the sound of that as well? ーー That being said, we have to think about your health. I doubt you’re already back in top shape, so I won’t do anything if you don’t want me to.”

You hesitate. 

“Hm~? In that case, you want it?”

You go quiet.

“Cat got your tongue? I seem to recall a certain someone was displeased because they were being ‘used’?  Clearly tell me what you want. Right now, I can actually live up to your wishes. ...What do you want from me?”

You ask for his fangs. 

“Hehe...I hate being ordered around, but hearing you beg for it isn’t bad at all. Especially when it’s the words ‘Suck my blood, please’.”

Shuu bites you.

“Mmh...Nn...I said you could make all the noise you want, remember? It’s not like anyone but me can hear.”

You get embarrassed. 

“Heh. First you beg for it and now you get all embarrassed. You’re kind of contradicting yourself there, no? Well, it doesn’t matter. In that case, I’ll go for one of your more sensitive spots so you won’t be able to suppress your voice. Mmh...”

*Gulp*

“Hah...Exactly...Let me hear more...Why still hesitate at this point?”

You explain. 

“You’re worrying for nothing per usual. You no longer need to be scared that I’ll find you annoying or get tired of you. Well, I won’t deny that there’s times I get a little irritated by your behavior. I’m sure I might be a little grumpy when you disturb my sleep as well. 

However, I would never grow to dislike you over something like that. I already know what kind of woman you are. You’re the type to beg for my fangs in a place like this. On top of that, a loudmouth who loves to meddle with other people’s affairs and quite the handful at times. To be honest, too much of a bother to keep by one’s side. 

You puff out your cheeks. 

“Haha. It’s the truth, no? However, despite all of that, I don’t want to let you go. So don’t worry. Just let out your voice to your heart’s content, giving yourself over to me all you want. I’ve already decided I will love every side of you after all.”

*Smooch*

ーー THE END ーー

[hanbintms]

            it  is  eye  ,  kofi  ,  back  on  your  dash  with  my  newest  child  !  as  a  reminder  :  i’m  twenty4  ,  prefer  she / her  or  they / them  pronouns  ,  and  i  reside  in  the  est  timezone  !  the  muse  that  i  have  flowing  for  hanbin  is  truly  unmatched  even  though  i  literally  came  up  with  him  within  like  . . .  three  hours  ,  no  kidding  .  that  being  said  ,  he’s  a  brand  new  muse  and  i  can’t  wait  to  plot  with  everyone  once  again  (  or  for  the  first  time  !  )  i  won’t  talk  your  ears  off  as  i  know  this  intro  might  get  a  little  long  ,  but  aside  from  that  ,  can’t  wait  to  write  hanbin  with  ya’ll  !

            (  SONG  KANG , THIRTY , CIS  MAN , HE / HIM  )  *  hey  ,  i’m  looking  for  the  office  of  HANBIN  KOO  .  they’re  the  EMPLOYEE  /  IN - HOUSE  CHEF  who’s  known  around  the  office  as  THE  EPICURE  ,  if  that  helps  ?  not  to  be  a  gossip  ,  but  i’ve  heard  that  they’re  AFFABLE  but  UNCOUTH  ,  is  that  true  ?  i  also  heard  that  they’re  the  one  who  THREW  ICED  TEA  AT  HIS  EX  IN  THE  LOBBY  .  anyways  ,  here’s  the  coffee  they  ordered  .

statistics.

            name  :  koo  hanbin  .  nicknames  :  han  ,  hannie  ,  hanbinie  ,  +  binnie  .  age  +  date  of  birth  :  thirty  +  january  9th,  1991  .  zodiac  :  capricorn  .  moral  alignment  :  true  neutral  .  gender  +  pronouns  :  cis  man  +  he / him / his .  place  of  birth  :  busan  ,  south  korea  .  place  of  residence  :  west  village  ,  new  york  city  ,  new  york  .  orientation  :  bisexual  biromantic  .  occupation  :  in  house  chef  and  internet  personality  .  nationality  :  korean  (  holds  american  citizenship  )  .  ethnicity  :  korean  .  language(s)  spoken  :  korean  ,  english  ,  conversational  italian  ,  and  conversational  japanese  .

background.

            koo  hanbin’s  life  was  relatively  normal  when  he  was  born  .  his  mom  ,  koo  seonghwa  ,  worked  as  a  nurse  in  the  pediatric  department  of  a  local  hospital  in  busan  while  his  father  ,  koo  kyuchul  ,  was  an  office  worker  .  they  weren’t  the  richest  family  ,  nowhere  near  it  ,  but  the  koo  family  made  it  work  .  hanbin  has  more  memories  of  being  with  his  grandparents  more  often  than  his  parents  simply  because  of  their  demanding  careers ,  but  that’s  not  to  say  that  they  weren’t  loving  and  attentive  parents  when  they  had  time  to  be  with  their  only  son  .  

             however  ,  life  began  to  change  for  him  when  was  six  years  old  .  suddenly  ,  the  money  began  to  dwindle  as  quickly  as  it  was  brought  in  .  the  refrigerator  wasn’t  full  unless  seonghwa’s  mother  would  make  some  things  for  them  ,  and  kyuchul  was  coming  home  later  and  later  .  seonghwa  began  to  work  harder  in  an  attempt  to  break  even  ,  but  she  never  seemed  to  get  her  head  above  water  .  she’d  confront  her  husband  about  the  large  sums  of  money  that  would  disappear  from  their  account  ,  but  he  always  blamed  it  on  higher  bills  ,  raised  rent  ,  or  sudden  payments  that  he  had  to  make  .  it  never  made  any  sense  ,  but  seonghwa  started  a  separate  account  to  ensure  their  son  could  at  least  have  food  on  the  table  and  clothes  for  school  .

            the  next  couple  of  years  go  by  and  the  money  situation  worsens  ,  with  seonghwa  getting  to  her  wits  end  .  she  spends  more  time  with  hanbin  at  her  parents’  place  ,  sleeping  with  her  son  in  her  old  bedroom  and  hoping  he  doesn’t  hear  her  cry  at  night  .  she  struggles  to  understand  why  her  husband  is  keeping  secrets  from  her  ,  especially  as  they’ve  been  married  happily  for  the  last  eleven  years  ,  but  it  takes  some  tough  love  from  her  mother  to  get  seonghwa  to  pick  herself  up  .  so  ,  she  decides  to  confront  her  husband  one  night  when  she  finds  out  his  location  from  one  of  his  co - workers  ,  and  she’s  devastated  .  seonghwa  finds  kyuchul  with  a  younger  woman  ,  gambling  away  her  hard  earned  money  .  like  a  scene  out  of  a  drama  ,  seonghwa  kicks  her  husband  where  the  sun  doesn’t  shine  and  promptly  dragged  the  other  woman  outside  to  wack  her  upside  the  head  with  her  purse  .  seonghwa  was  hurt  ,  but  she  had  finally  gotten  answers  ,  and  she  wasn’t  going  to  be  embarrassed  like  this  ever  again  .

            so  ,  seonghwa  and  hanbin  permanently  move  in  with  her  parents  ,  and  it  takes  some  time  for  seonghwa  to  get  over  kyuchul  .  she  focuses  on  her  child  and  her  job  .  from  the  age  of  ten  ,  hanbin  began  spending  more  time  with  his  grandparents  in  their  small  ,  but  popular  barbecue  meat  restaurant  .  when  he  finishes  his  homework  ,  he  helps  his  grandparents  take  orders  ,  and  he  slowly  begins  to  work  the  kitchen  as  he  gets  older  .  his  grandparents  soon  leave  the  kitchen  work  to  him  as  they  get  up  in  age  ,  and  hanbin  runs  the  kitchen  as  if  he’d  been  doing  it  for  over  twenty  years  .  however  ,  when  he  graduates  from  high  school  ,  hanbin  decides  to  spread  his  wings  .  over  the  last  twelve  years  or  so  ,  hanbin  honed  his  cooking  skills  from  his  grandfather  and  spent  most  of  his  childhood  in  the  kitchen  ,  so  his  grandparents  passed  their  restaurant  down  to  seonghwa’s  brother  ,  and  hanbin  left  for  new  york  .

            eighteen  years  old  and  with  only  enough  money  to  get  a  small  sublet  ,  he  knew  he  needed  to  find  a  job  pronto  .  without  formal  kitchen  training  ,  hanbin  would  often  get  turned  away  from  jobs  (  because  he  was  better  than  a  busboy  !  )  and  eventually  ,  the  fates  was  on  his  side  .  he  forced  his  way  into  the  kitchen  of  a  popular  italian  restaurant  ,  immediately  snagging  the  title  of  junior  chef  .  hanbin  ,  a  fast  learner  with  even  faster  knife  skills  ,  easily  works  his  way  up  the  ranks  within  the  restaurant  .  within  six  years  ,  hanbin  becomes  head  chef  and  is  a  force  to  be  reckoned  with  in  the  kitchen  .  although  his  income  changes  significantly  ,  hanbin  starts  a  youtube  channel  in  hopes  of  sharing  his  love  for  food  and  cooking  .  within  a  year  ,  his  following  grows  substantially  ,  and  he’s  approached  to  broaden  his  efforts  by  working  at  masters  international  .

at masters.

hanbin  has  been  at  masters  for  five  years  .  he  started  working  here  after  his  youtube  channel  expanded  ,  and  he  was  approached  to  create  his  own  cooking  content  for  masters’  youtube  channel  .  

basically  ,  he  has  his  own  version  of  test  kitchen  ,  but  it’s  not  really  the  same  thing  .  he  makes  recipes  for  holidays  ,  celebrations  ,  and  is  constantly  showing  how  to  make  traditional  korean  dishes  (  would  not  be  surprised  if  he  has  a  ‘  cooking  with  my  mom  !  ’  type  series  )  .

gives  food  tips  too  like  which  wines  pair  best  with  certain  foods  or  how  to  make  the  most  out  of  your  first  hosting  gig  .  probably  has  a  video  where  he  shares  his  cooking  playlist  because  he  wants  you  to  get  in  the  mood  😌  .

probably  came  up  with  the  special  lunch  for  Daddy  Masters™  but  gets  ticked  when  he’s  asked  to  cook  it  because  does  that  man  know  a  schedule  ?  probably  not  .  [  ‘  we  were  on  a  break  !  ’  specifically  ,  hanbin2   was  on  his  lunch  break  .  ] 

is  it  true  that  he  threw  an  iced  tea  in  his  ex’s  face  ?  absolutely  ,  and  he  has  no  problem  admitting  it  lmao  .  who  was  said  ex  ?  i  guess  we’ll  never  know  [  this  a  number  one  champion  sound  ]  .

probably  well  received  around  the  office  but  i  wouldn’t  be  surprised  if  people  disliked  him  .  it  could  be  his  off  putting  persona  or  honestly  the  simple  fact  that  he’s  got  a  lot  of  sass  and  no  ass  .

headcanons.

you  can  read  a  full  list  of  headcanons  HERE  ;  below  is  an  abridged  version  .

has  a  gyeongsang  dialect  from  living  in  busan  ,  and  honestly  . . .  that’s  hot  .  so  ,  when  he  speaks  in  korean  it’s  rather  strong  and  aggressive  /  pitch  is  vastly  different  from  other  parts  of  korea  .  

i  literally  have  no  idea  how  to  explain  his  personality  other  than  by  using  his  moral  alignment  :  true  neutral  .  he’s  kinda  that  guy  who  knows  everything  but  won’t  tell  you  that  he  does  ?  did  he  eavesdrop  ?  maybe  ,  but  he  won’t  tell  you  that  .  he’s  largely  indifferent  to  a  lot  of  what  happens  around  masters  and  maybe  it’s  because  he’s  been  here  for  half  a  decade  ;  he’ll  just  make  sure  you  drink  water  if  you’re  drunk  and  crying  .

a  Dog  Father™  to  a  little  re:  big  goldendoodle  named  duri  .  he  is  most  definitely  judging  you  and  can  often  be  found  sunbathing  in  that  solarium  .  

a  very  simple  man  when  it  comes  to  his  coffee  :  caffè  americano  or  an  espresso  macchiato  please  .  and  don’t  forget  the  butter  croissant  !

mostly  expressionless  . . .  like  i  really  have  no  idea  how  to  explain  how  he  looks  at  people  because  i  feel  that  stoic  is  too  harsh  of  a  word  .  if  you  wanna  know  how  he  feels  though  ,  he  has  extremely  expressive  eyes  .

he  won’t  admit  it  but  he  loves  hosting  .  office  potluck  ?  he’s  your  guy  .  having  a  conference  ?  he’ll  make  your  snacks  .  if  you’re  coming  over  he’ll  make  a  charcuterie  board  and  will  lie  saying  he  made  it  with  some  stuff  he  had  on  hand  (  but  that’s  a  lie  ,  he  went  to  the  grocery  store  and  obsessed  over  it  for  a  solid  three  hours  )  .

finds  joy  in  the  mundane  .  some  people  might  think  he’s  weird  because  he  loves  grocery  shopping  ,  and  heavily  judges  people’s  carts  because  processed  food  ?  yuck  !  he  won’t  say  that  to  your  face  though  he’ll  just  be  like  ‘  are  you  sure  you  wanna  buy  that  ?  ’  and  will  sneakily  replace  your  frozen  pizza  with  pizza  ingredients  hehe  .

that  being  said  don’t  take  him  grocery  shopping  with  you  NFUDNSFDS  .  he  gets  ticked  about  food  waste  ,  and  those  who  don’t  use  reusable  bags  .   probably  has  a  lil  garden  at  his  place  and  composts  !  is  angry  about  people  calling  a  chunk  of  cauliflower  a  steak  (  in  other  words  ,  don’t  to  it  )  !

wanted connections.

DISCLAIMER  :  i  will  not  be  plotting  anything  romantic  with  characters  under  the  age  of  twenty - five  due  to  his  age  !

ONE  TRUE  LOVE  :  this  is  open  to  literally  anyone  ,  preferably  like  ,  28  to  30  but  we  can  talk  details  .  truly  ,  they’re  his  one  true  love  as  the  title  states  ,  and  i  like  to  believe  that  they  were  a  really  happy  couple  who  had  a  meet - cute  .  they  moved  in  together  and  things  were  great  ,  but  they  broke  up  when  they  felt  a  mutual  dissolve  in  their  relationship  .  that  being  said  ,  they’re  good  friends  now  !

BEST  FRIEND  :  who  wouldn’t  love  a  best  friend  .  basically  ,  they  get  along  well  ,  and  they  are  used  to  sung’s  non - verbal  communication  NVJCNXJV  .  it’d  be  really  fun  if  they  had  totally  different  personalities  but  somehow  they  managed  to  click  .  TAKEN  BY  GRIFFIN  OLSON  .

TASTE  TESTER  :  someone  who  he  calls  on  to  often  try  his  food  at  the  office  .  they  possibly  will  appear  in  his  videos  on  masters’  youtube  channel  ,  so  i  think  a  relationship  based  around  food  would  be  really  fun  !  TAKEN  BY  KENNEDY  CRAWFORD  /  SORAYA  HATHAWAY  .

HORN  DOGS  (  DEROGATORY  )  :  i  have  no  other  name  for  this  plot  but  i’m  thinking  two  people  who  cannot  keep  their  hands  off  of  one  another  .  i’m  talking  sneaky  touches  in  the  elevator  ,  secret  hook  ups  in  the  seventh  floor  bathroom  ,  quick  makeouts  and  nearly  getting  caught  .  bonus  points  if  people  around  the  office  don’t  believe  they’re  Banging™  because  their  personalities  are  so  different  .  

CRUSH  :  also  known  as  ,  someone  having  a  crush  on  him  ,  but  he  sees  them  as  a  friend  (  or  even  worse  ,  like  a  younger  sibling  )  .  TAKEN  BY  AYLIN  SAHIN  .

PLATONIC  SOULMATE  :  best  friends  ,  but  make  it  sentimental  .  they  are  thicker  than  thieves  ,  get  on  each  other’s  nerves  ,  but  they  don’t  know  what  they’d  do  without  the  other  .  finish  each  other’s  sentences  (  and  sandwiches  .  sung  will  finish  it  )  and  are  borderline  like  an  old  married  couple  with  the  way  they  act  .

that’s  all  i  got  now  but  i’ve  reblogged  some  posts  that  can  be  found  HERE  and  i’m  down  to  fill  any  wcs  that  you  may  have  as  well  !

[calitraditionalism]

Arc Two: Chapter One

(AO3 counterpart here.)

“Listen to that. You can hear the chaos all the way from here.”

Mistface twitched his nose as a noncommittal response. He was walking by the side of a nearly-black tabby molly named Darkpelt through the burgeoning fresh blades of grass growing in for the season. Behind him, a pair of toms were trying to occupy themselves with taking in the sights of the vast valley they lived in, for lack of anything else to do. The one directly behind Mistface was the smallest of their troop – a sleek and skinny dark brown tom with a permanent frown on his face. He was very much dwarfed by the massive white tom beside him, who was making an effort to walk slowly so that he didn’t overtake the rest of the group.

Mistface himself, a handsome blue-grey tom with long fur, swiveled his ears, absentmindedly taking in the distant sounds of yowls and cheers. They were heading for the Clast settlement, and from here he could see the large stone houses that made up oversized dens for the family to live in. This was, by far, the most aggressive part of the Territory to be in; Mistface could already envision cats charging up to him once he arrived and demanding to tussle.

As if he’d heard Mistface’s thoughts, the white tom, Laurelclaw, nervously said, “You don’t think we’ll have to do any fighting, do you?”

Beetlefoot, the little tom, snorted. “That’s all Clast cares about. We likely have to in order to fit in.”

Darkpelt twisted her head and fixed Laurelclaw with her wide-eyed blind stare and a grin. “You’ll have quite a few fans in there before long, I think. They love a big guy.”

Laurelclaw hummed anxiously. “I know I’m supposed to be the muscle, but…”

“Ain’t a problem yet,” Mistface said. He was sharply reminded that his drawl was the strongest of the accents in the group as he spoke. “Darkpelt, you got a game plan? I’m assumin’ you’ve done this before.”

“Obviously!” Darkpelt winked at him and, for the second time since meeting her, he wondered how she knew to do that. “How long do you think I’ve been in spy work for?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Mistface said, with a disdainful sort of feigned politeness. “How long?”

“Nine months of age,” Darkpelt said smugly. Mistface disliked her. “I mean, to be fair, it’s usually simpleton’s work, but this time I’m collaborating with newbies, so I made sure to have a ‘game plan’, as you say. I’m sure this’ll be easy enough, but still-”

“You’re free to share it at any time after you’re done boasting,” Beetlefoot said dryly.

Darkpelt laughed and curled her tail. “Fine, fine. Mistface, Fernstar pretty much laid out what you’re do to – you’re our spokesperson. Anyone asks questions about us, especially when we first arrive, and you’ll be answering them.”

“Got my answers ready for me?” Mistface asked.

“I do, actually.” Darkpelt nodded. Her tone shifted to be more business-like than jolly. “The three main points: one, you’re here for your brother and nothing else. Two, you don’t know anything about the deputy’s supposed plan to leave. Three, we all met up at the Gathering and decided that our interests aligned and we should go to Clast together.” Her tail uncurled and waved in the air. “Aside from that, you’re smart, so I hear. You can come up with stuff pretty quick. All minor details about the rest of us can be half-truths or non-answers.”

Mistface made a noise of acknowledgement.

“As for the rest of us-“ Darkpelt looked back at Laurelclaw and Beetlefoot. “Laurelclaw, you’re here because you’re tired of your life with the Plage. Beetlefoot, you’re doubled up. You’re done with constantly working for the leaders, and you have friends in Mistface and his mother. They sort of inspired you to come along with and check out a new style of living.”

Beetlefoot wrinkled his nose as soon as the word ‘friend’ was said, but he waited until Darkpelt finished talking to respond. “And none of us know anything about Redheart wanting to take cats out of the Territory?”

“You might have heard about it,” Darkpelt replied, “but you don’t believe the rumors. That’s not to say you aren’t curious, though. Laurelclaw and Mistface don’t know anything. You haven’t said a word to them yet, mostly because the idea sounds too silly to be real.”

In a way, Mistface mused, it was. The Clan, made up of multiple large families and hundreds of individuals, lived in a massive collection of areas all forming the Territory. Mountains, hills, the valley, marshes, and even a trail leading to the coastline provided comfortable and beautiful homes for these cats. Prey was abundant, especially because of the land being littered with certain ones that had a white mark on their heads that proved they had been given to the living by StarClan. Even besides that, there were almost no predators to bother them, definitely no neighboring groups large enough to pose even a slight challenge, and so few struggles that the biggest hurdle to one’s happiness was unseasonably cold weather.

What in the name of the stars, then, would cause a cat like Redheart, said by Fernstar herself to be sensible and level-headed, to consider leaving at all? Something petty, perhaps, like a power struggle, or maybe she wasn’t as level-headed as she was said to be and thought life would really be better in the outside world. Mistface couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

“Remember,” Darkpelt continued, bringing Mistface back to the present, “your job – all of you – is to be inconspicuous. Redheart isn’t stupid, and neither is Greyleaf. They’ll know something’s up if you just sit around listening in to conversations or asking strange questions all day.”

That was the other thing. Mistface’s brother, Greyleaf, had mysteriously abandoned his post as the official healer for the leaders and their high deputies – those that served directly beneath the collective heads of the Clan – to join Redheart in the Clast under the pretense of going to see his dying mother to the end of her life. Greyleaf was an anxious wreck with no desire to step a toe out of line and draw attention to himself. The fact that he had lied so brazenly about his family, the thing he held in higher regard than anything else, and went to the rowdiest group in the Territory to work with a cat that was calling for negative attention was baffling to everyone that knew him.

“It’s the job of me and Mistface to get the information we need.” Darkpelt’s usual mischievous smile disappeared for a moment as she turned her head to blindly scan all three of the toms with a very serious look. “And even then, Mistface is to keep near his brother and the common folk in the settlement. Let me do the sneaking around and spying, got it?”

“Right.”

“Got it.”

“Yes.”

“Atta boys.” Darkpelt’s smile returned. “Now, let’s keep our mouths shut from here about this. Maybe some awkward small talk, but nothing beyond that. Spokesperson, walk a little ahead of me.”

Another round of affirmatives, and Mistface picked up the pace until his shoulders were past Darkpelt’s nose. There was no small talk, but the air did become a bit awkward anyway. Laurelclaw looked uneasy and Beetlefoot seemed to be focusing on appearing as calm and indifferent as possible. Mistface was sure he looked confident enough as he was.

Gradually, the sounds of fighting and excited spectators came to drown out the bird chirps and gentle breeze of the flatlands. Beetlefoot’s face creased contemptuously, but Laurelclaw and Darkpelt looked at least a little more interested as an explosion of cheers burst from the houses.

Mistface’s eyes drifted and he caught sight of a grey-brown tom lazing about where the cobblestone was cracked and overtaken by the earth. He was small and dully colored enough to almost completely melt into his surroundings, and he only moved to look up at the approaching party.

“Somethin’ fun happenin’ in there?” Mistface asked casually, once he was close enough that he knew he could be heard over the commotion.

“Always is.” The tom was at least polite enough to sit up and greet them as they paused a few feet away. “You here for the party or the rumors?”

Mistface was aware of Darkpelt’s presence, as if she was staring directly at him to will the correct response into his head. He blinked slowly and replied, “I’m just here for my brother, actually. Heard you got a cat named Greyleaf here now.”

“Ah.” The tom gave an amused scoff. “The boy just showed up, yes. He’s been busy.”

There was a screech and the cheers erupted one again.

Mistface offered the tom a friendly smile, swallowing the distaste for crowds brewing in his chest. “He’ll be real busy after whatever move they just pulled, I reckon.”

“We both will.” The tom stood fully. “I’m a resident healer. Vireoberry. Though everyone’s been going to him over me, if you can believe it.”

“I can,” Mistface said. “He’s quite good.”

“So I’ve seen,” Vireoberry said. “If you want to talk to him before Redheart pulls him away again, now’s the time.”

Mistface thanked him and continued walking, the other three close behind him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Laurelclaw beam and wave his tail to Vireoberry as they parted ways.

Two houses had to be passed before they rounded a corner of smooth rock and emerged into a cobblestone clearing, currently crowded with cats. There was just enough room to see a dark grey ticked tabby standing triumphant over a young golden tom. The cats gathered were shouting various things like “Cry uncle, Ryestripe!” and “One more hit!”.

“Is it a good fight?” Darkpelt said in Mistface’s ear.

“Looks like it’s about over,” Mistface said.

The golden tom looked up nervously at the tabby, who grinned down at him, before he flopped fully onto his side and raised a paw. Laughter and jeers rang through the clearing and the crowd backed up unanimously, as did the tabby. The golden tom unsteadily got to his feet and shook his head, which Mistface could now see was bleeding.

Beetlefoot made a noise of disgust. “Savages.”

“Ain’t our place to judge how they spend their time,” Mistface said over his shoulder, flicking his enormously fluffy tail. “Let’s find Greyleaf.”

The crowd began to disperse, with a few cats walking up to the tabby to shower her with compliments (to which she seemed very receptive). Mistface scanned the clearing for his brother, eyes narrowed a little. He watched a cluster of cats suddenly part to allow a tall, elegant red-brown molly through. He recognized the molly as the one that he had seen talking to his brother once at a Coterie gathering for the smaller groups within the Clan. His eyes narrowed further.

The golden tom caught sight of the molly and immediately scrambled to his feet, bowing his head repeatedly and scattering blood on the ground.

“Easy, Ryestripe,” the molly said, and even at a normal volume, her voice seemed to drown out all other sound with its clear, commanding tone. “Just sit down.”

Ryestripe complied, grinning weakly. “Heh, did you see? I nearly got her.”

“I saw.” The molly didn’t quite smile, but her hard face softened a little. “You’ve been doing well for yourself. Don’t overdo it when you were just patched up, though, alright?”

“Don’t bother making him promise,” the tabby said. “He won’t keep it.”

“Neither will you,” Ryestripe shot back.

“I’m not the one who got beat up!”

“Do you have any injuries anyway?”

Mistface perked his ears and turned his head. A grey tabby, just as fluffy as him, was weaving around cats to join the two mollies and Ryestripe. His voice was having a much harder time making itself heard over the rambling around him.

“’Course not, Greyleaf!” The grey molly pressed a front paw to her chest, jokingly offended. “What do you take me for?”

“A moron?” Ryestripe offered.

The grey molly rounded on him, about to pounce, but the red-brown molly quickly stepped between them with a stern look to the victor of the fight. Greyleaf’s eyes flickered skyward for just a moment before he approached Ryestripe and started examining his wounds.

“Now’s our chance,” Darkpelt whispered to Mistface. “Go see him, we’ll be a little behind.”

Mistface straightened up and strolled as innocuously as he could towards his brother.

The red-brown molly saw him first. Before he could say anything, she moved to greet him.

“You’re new,” she said, in that regal-sounding voice. “Welcome to the Clast.”

“A merry afternoon to you,” Mistface said, mostly to be polite.

At his voice, Greyleaf’s head jerked up. He caught sight of Mistface and his eyes widened.

“Thought you might be here, brother.” Mistface offered a winning smile to the molly, then a more genuine one to Greyleaf. “Didn’t have the decency to sent Beetlefoot to tell us?”

“I w- well-“ Greyleaf shuffled his feet, looking bewildered and anxious. “I was going to, things just got busy…”

“I sent for him to help us here,” the red-brown molly said. “I apologize for that. I should have had the decency to alert you and your mother.”

“Mm.” Mistface regarded her now with a slightly tilted head. “I assume you’re the one in charge?”

The molly nodded once. “My name is Redheart. I’m the deputy.”

“Your brother has all sorts of connections, doesn’t he?” Darkpelt said suddenly. Mistface looked back to see her strutting up with Laurelclaw and Beetlefoot hurrying behind her. “Bit of a downgrade from working for the leaders, though.”

Greyface blinked. “Beetlefoot?”

Beetlefoot jerked his head in acknowledgement.

“Nice to see you again,” Laurelclaw said in a very clear attempt to sound friendly that came off as awkward. “I don’t know if you remember me, we met at that Coterie-“

“Oh!” Greyleaf coughed, visibly wracking his brain for the memory. “Right, uh, Laurel… Laurel…”

“-claw,” Laurelclaw finished.

“Right, sorry.” Greyleaf cleared his throat. His eyes drifted to Darkpelt. “And you are…”

“A bored warrior looking for some fun,” she said, grinning. “Darkpelt.”

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” Redheart said, dipping her head respectfully to these cats of inferior status as if they were high deputies. “Are you all companions?”

“Just for a bit,” Mistface said. “We met at a Gatherin’ and decided to come here together.”

“He wouldn’t shut up about you,” Darkpelt said to Greyleaf, cheekily twitching her whiskers. “I hope you’re as good of a healer as he said you are.”

“He is.” Mistface glanced back at her, eye narrowed, though his tone was light. “Might serve you well if you decide to join the chaos here.”

Darkpelt laughed. “Good luck finding anyone to fight me.”

“I’m sure there will be at least one.” Redheart’s eyes crinkled a little – not quite enough for a smile to follow, but enough to give off an easy, comfortable air. “You’re all welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“Redheart!” someone shouted, their voice echoing from inside a house. “Olivepaw’s acting up again!”

“Coming,” Redheart called, and with a final nod to everyone, she walked off. Somehow, she managed to move as quickly as a trot without hurrying.

Greyleaf watched her go, inhaled deeply, and huffed out a breath, his fur smoothing down as he did. He looked back at Mistface. “What about Mama?”

“She’s nearby,” Mistface replied. “Turns out the Vultures’re restin’ up with one of theirs havin’ kits, so they were happy to take her in and keep her away from this whole…”

“Yeah.” Greyleaf gave a blatantly fake smile. “Well, I’ll have to visit her. You’ll show me where to go?”

“We can go tomorrow.” Mistface’s smile was still real. “Once we’re settled.”

“Your mother’s a sweetheart,” Darkpelt said. “She came with us.”

“We took our time,” Mistface said, before Greyleaf could protest forcing their mother to travel. “She’s doin’ well. Happy to rest, of course, but…”

“Right,” Greyleaf murmured, seemingly to himself. “Right.” His voice raised again. “Well, uh, you guys are free to wander around and check out the place. Uh, Darkpelt, do you need assistance, or-?”

“Laurelclaw’s got me,” Darkpelt said cheerily. She turned her head a little towards Laurelclaw - but, Mistface noted, not quite at him like she had before. “Come on, let’s see what they’ve got. Beetlefoot?”

“I’ll walk around myself,” Beetlefoot said shortly.

“Alright!” Darkpelt tapped Laurelclaw’s chest with her tail. He jumped and hurried to walk by her side, his own tail just touching hers as he pretended to need to give her directions. Beetlefoot nodded again to Greyleaf and started off the opposite way.

Greyleaf cleared his throat, “Well, I, uh, I better get to work on Ryestripe here- Uh, do you just want to hang out while I do?”

Mistface stepped close enough to gently flick his brother’s nose with his tail. “Wouldn’t want to do anything else.”

[freyaeu]

HALSTON SAGE. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, FREYA ANDERSON-SMITH is actually a descendent of K H I O N E. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-FOUR year old KINESIOLOGY MAJOR from COPENHAGEN, DENMARK has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite GRACEFUL & SHELTERED.

hello, hello, beautiful friends ! i still need to figure out more things for freya but here’s her bio which i should have really just really written out bc i said it’d be short and sweet and my brain said, i think not ! anyway, i’m super excited to plot with everyone ♡

she  knows that there was an entirely different life that she led before she  was taken in by her adoptive father, she just doesn’t remember much of  it.

memories come back in snippets — like the little cottage nestled in the mountains with the beautiful lake up the hill. or man with the warm smile who she called papa. she  remembers the tea parties during the summer and snowball fights in the  winters. but most of all, she can still hear the sound of ice crackling  beneath her feet as she tried to run across the lake before falling in.  how cold she felt as her body hit the water before she felt embraced by  the icy temperature and everything turned black.

that  aside, her ‘earliest’ memory is being cradling by khione. her icy skin  providing comfort as she mused about a brand new life in a place far from the one she had known so far with a new father and a brother who would love her very much. ( the latter is to be debated ).

‘a  gift’ was what she called freya when she introduced her to her new family. the hold khione still had over alexander anderson-smith being one  so powerful that he didn’t even question who the small child hiding behind  khione’s leg was or where she came from. he welcomed her with open arms, believing that the goddess still loved him because why else would he have entrusted her with  another demigod?

while she had an extremely affluent upbringing, she didn’t rot from how spoiled she was. she  always remained levelheaded, never letting such a luxurious life get to  her head. perhaps because of this, she was always seen as the ‘white  sheep’ — she was soft like snow, not cold as ice. while her entire  family ( goddess mother included ) used whatever mean was necessary to  stay on top, freya was always perfectly fine just being freya.

along with her brother, she grew up in one of copenhagen’s most  elite hotels — the penthouse, to be exact, and one rarely spent any time  in. while to others, the most luxurious suite in the hotel would have  been anyone’s dream getaway, to her it resembled a very fancy prison  cell.

instead, she’d often sneak out as a kid,  watching from afar at the  different gala’s that would take place in the ballroom or sneaking into  the hotel kitchen for a snack. as the daughter of the hotel’s owner,  there was nothing anyone could to stop her. especially considering how  much of a daddy’s girl she was. freya may not have done or said anything  had anyone complained but it didn’t mean alexander wouldn’t have had reacted badly.

as she grew older, her adventures in the hotel became more specific. spending hours  on end learning how to cook from the best chef’s around to  spending her time working on homework next to the concierge’s desk as she  waited for guests to walk up for suggestions of the best places around  town.

the older she got, the more people whispered about her in disapproval. she was the ‘weird’  girl who stayed after social events to help the staff out, the one who  at parties sat in the corner of the room with a book stuck in her nose,  the one who didn’t care about status or reputation.  

while  she participated in things like the debutante ball and summer camp, she  only did so to please her father. as much as he wanted her to be as  cutthroat as nicolai, there was an unspoken understanding that freya was interested in marching at the beat of her own drum and doing things her way.

this  became evident when he pushed them to start properly developing and  advancing their powers. freya, being a child, didn’t take things  seriously. it was the first time and last time he ever made her cry and  the only time he took the treasure chest full of books she cherished  away.

by the time khione came back once  again demanding they get proper training, freya was curious to say the  least. camp with other demigod kids? it sounded cool enough. which it  definitely was though her interests aligned more with learning as much  as she could about the camp and other gods rather than training.

shortly  after freya’s arrival, the two demigod’s gained a step-mom and their  mutual dislike for the woman is perhaps one of the very few things they  have in common til this day. freya can’t stand her. while she chooses to look the other way in regards to her father and nicolai’s behavior, the  same can’t be said for her. she may not approve of how they act but love and blood connects her to them. the step-mom? no connection there.

while  she excelled academically, the same couldn’t be said about her social life. despite the influence her father had, not even he could save her from falling to the bottom of the social food chain. her indifference toward the status she had due to her last name caused many to be both envious and dumbfounded at how she didn’t take advantage of it. she was  pretty and rich, why didn’t she care?

the answer  to that was simple, she had better things to do — when alexander came  up with the idea to create a training center for his kiddos, he included  a rink because children of the goddess of ice and snow~~ well, to no  one’s surprise, that caught freya’s interest. despite the traumatic ( and mainly repressed ) event  that happened on the ice, freya absolutely loved being on the ice. at first, it became her incentive to train, being able to spends hours afterward skating around the rink. then, alexander noticed her talent, bringing in the best coaches money could ensure she’d become the absolute best.

what  started out as a fun pastime turned competitive soon after with freya  spending hours in the rink, diving her time between figure skating and  school. when she wasn’t training or competing, she was studying.

it wasn’t long before she became one of the  most promising individual junior skaters, always placing within the top five and very easily  a fan favorite. by the time she hit senior-level, it was evident that she was on her way to the olympics.

she made it as far as placing silver two years in a row in the world championships before it all came crashing down. after performing the best she’d ever done, she ( and everyone else ) were sure she’d take gold in the ladies individual’s section. to her absolute shock, she didn’t and highkey had a mini freakout moment with her ire directed at the gold medalist who she believed stole her spot. it was the one time she used her powers intentionally to hurt a mortal. the girl was fine in the end but freya still feels absolutely bad about it. she retired that same year and decided to focus on academics instead.

which is how she ended up at eonia. it was definitely a huge adjustment at first. not only did she let go of something she’d done for a little over ten years but she also said goodbye to the home she’d known since she was four. it took a second for her to settle but in the end, she found herself straying away from the sheltered routine she’d grown so accustomed from.  

at least that’s what she tells herself. honestly, while she did spread her wings a little more in terms of discovering new things, she’s stuck to the same routine upon finding her rhythm. she’s extremely predictable like that.

she’s currently a graduate student in the medicine program and completed her undergrad in chemistry.

[noona-clock]

Whatever You Want to Call it - Part 3

Genre: Office!AU

Pairing: Jackson x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

The whole Copy Room Disaster incident really made you stop and think. 

Yes, training Jackson had thrown a wrench in your job responsibilities, of which you now had more than usual since being assigned a project manager. Yes, Jackson was extremely chatty and the most Eager Beaver -- no, actually, the better way to describe him would be as an Eager Puppy. He definitely had a dog-like quality to him because he was hard-working and dedicated and super adorable.

You had never denied the fact Jackson was cute. More than cute, actually. He was downright gorgeous with a body to match. And he had a way of making himself look even cuter when he either was listening intently to you or felt he was in trouble for some reason. So calling him an Eager Puppy was probably the most accurate description in the world.

But anyway.

Yes, training Jackson had been inconvenient. But he was your co-worker, whether you liked it or not. He was a fellow employee, and more importantly, he was a fellow human being. (Although, with his good looks, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually an extraterrestrial being.)

It was really only right that you give him a fair chance. And your boss was right: what did it say about you if you couldn’t handle managing a project and training an employee? It said you valued your own career over someone else’s, and while that might be true, you did still care about your fellow man.

You were ambitious and career-driven not heartless.

So you had spent the past two weeks really and truly training Jackson.

You still found him slightly annoying, but you had to admit: you no longer disliked him. If anything, you were just indifferent. Which was a lot better than disliking him, wouldn’t you say?

I mean, it’s not like you looked forward to seeing him every day, but you didn’t necessarily dread it. And you could tell Jackson was a lot more comfortable, a lot happier. It was obvious you didn’t resent him anymore, so your dynamic was just a lot easier.

All in all, things were pretty okay. Not great but not horrible. And you really couldn’t ask for more at the moment.

Well, things were a bit more than okay now because it was Friday. You loved your job, and you kind of preferred going to work than not going to work, but you did still love the weekend. You enjoyed this small bit of time off even if you were always ready to head back to the office come Monday morning.

As you slung your bag over your shoulder after shutting down your computer, you let out a soft sigh and headed out of your cube toward the elevator. You almost ran into someone as soon as you stepped away from your desk, though, a breathy, startled cry escaping your lips.

“Oops!” Jackson chuckled, stopping suddenly as his hands darted out to steady you. “Sorry.”

“Oh, no worries,” you replied with a little smile.

“Heading out?”

You hummed positively, continuing on toward the elevator when Jackson held an arm out to usher you to go first.

“What are your plans for the weekend?” he asked as he fell into step next to you.

“Oh,” you began, a bit taken off guard by his question. You weren’t sure why but probably because the two of you hadn’t really had many personal conversations before. “Um... Nothing, really. Just relaxing, I guess.”

“Good, you deserve to relax.”

And before you could say anything or ask him why he thought you deserved to relax, he continued on.

“My sister is in town, so she’s bringing my niece over for some quality Uncle Jackson time,” he beamed. “I’ll be busy taking her everywhere and spoiling her and avoiding my sister’s scolding.”

“Sounds fun,” you said with a soft chuckle. But deep down you couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of guilt; he was scolded by his co-worker and his sister.

He was a grown man, though! He could handle it! Stop feeling sorry for him!

When you reached the elevators, Jackson continued on toward the stairwell, lifting up a hand and bidding you a nice weekend.

“You, too,” you replied with a nod, trying to tamp down the shame of taking the elevator. Not that he was judging you, but... I mean, maybe he was. On the inside.

Okay, what was your deal? First, you felt guilty for scolding him. Now, you felt ashamed for taking the elevator?!

Ugh. It was actually ridiculous.

Thankfully, by the time you arrived back at your townhouse about half an hour from the city, you’d completely forgotten about Jackson.

As was your Friday tradition, you placed an order for takeout (Chinese tonight), pulled up a cheesy romantic comedy on Netflix, selected a face mask to use, a new nail polish color, your comfiest pajamas...

You knew how to work hard, so you definitely knew how to relax hard.

But... the thing about relaxing hard... you couldn’t really do it for long. By Saturday afternoon, you were itching to be productive. 

You didn’t have any extra work you’d brought home, so that was out of the question. You definitively were not going into the office on a weekend. 

You’d hired a cleaning lady a few years back, so there was no vacuuming or dusting or scrubbing or anything to do around your place.

What else could you do?

Well, what else did you do when you were out of ideas? You called Jinyoung.

“What’s up?” Jinyoung answered after the second ring. You could always count on him to answer promptly, especially when you really needed to talk to him. It was like he was psychic or something...

“I’m bored, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Honestly, I don’t know how someone can get bored in this day and age. With all the technology we have?! Watch Netflix!”

“I already did last night!”

“What, you watched all of Netflix and can’t watch anything else?” he countered.

“Just talk to me and be a good friend,” you demanded with a roll of your eyes.

“Okay, fine. What’s new in the world of Y/N?”

“Well... not much...” Before you could stop yourself, you brought up your encounter with You Know Who yesterday. “Jackson asked me what my plans were this weekend as we were leaving work.”

“...Okay? So?”

“I mean, don’t you think that’s weird?”

“...No. I don’t think that’s weird, actually. I think it’s very normal.”

“Yeah, but why was he being so nice to me? It’s not like we’re friends.”

“Maybe he was being nice to you because he’s a nice guy. And...”

You paused, waiting for him to finish. But he didn’t.

“And what?” you asked.

“And I think he kinda likes you.”

“What?!” you cried with an astonished laugh. “He does not!”

“How would you know? You’re too busy ignoring him and hating him to notice anything these days.”

“I do not hate him!” you corrected, clearly offended. “I’m just indifferent to him now.”

“Whatever,” Jinyoung chuckled. “My point is, I don’t think he feels the same way.”

“Why did I call you again?” you asked with narrowed eyes.

“Because I’m a good friend, and you constantly need my help and advice --”

“I do not. I don’t need your help, I just like talking to you.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. I forgot you have that weird thing about help.”

“...What weird thing?”

“Never mind. Listen, I’m at the movies with Emily. Can I call you later?”

“Jesus, Jinyoung! If you’re with your girlfriend, you don’t have to answer your phone when I call! Have fun, watch the movie, and don’t even think about Jackson’s feelings for me.”

“I won’t,” he assured you immediately. “And you think of something to keep you busy.”

After you heard the line disconnect, you let out a deep sigh as you set your phone on the kitchen counter. Well, great. That had done nothing but stir up thoughts of Jackson maybe having feelings for you.

Come on, there had to be something productive you could do.

You gazed around your kitchen, lips pursed in thought... when your running shoes sitting by the laundry room door caught your eye.

Aha!

A little exercise never hurt anyone, right?

Since you lived a bit farther out from the city, you weren’t limited to the bustling streets or a crowded gym; in fact, there was a pretty nice park nearby with sprawling lawns, sports fields, playgrounds, and miles of trails for walking and running. The weather was fairly nice outside, if not a bit chilly, so why not?

It only took about ten minutes for you to change into some more appropriate clothes (since pajamas definitely wouldn’t do the job), and then you were off to the park. 

While you wouldn’t necessarily call yourself a frequent runner, you did enjoy the peace and quiet it granted you. It gave you time to think, something you rarely got at work - especially since you’d started training Jackson.

To be fair, though, Jackson was super helpful. And he was learning quickly, as he’d told you at the very beginning. Most likely, you wouldn’t have to train him for much longer. And then you could get back to your condominium project, focus all of your energy on that. Jackson would most likely be on your team, of course, since he now knew the ins and outs of the project from being at your side for the past few weeks, so it’s not like you would really get a break from him, but --

Wait, was that --

...Were you thinking too much about Jackson and were now suddenly seeing visions of him outside of work? Did Jinyoung bringing him up cause some kind of... weird curse or something?

Or...

“Y/N!”

Oh, no. That was definitely Jackson’s voice calling your name, and that was definitely Jackson jogging over toward you with a little girl clinging to his neck.

Seriously? Why would Jackson be at the park by your house with his -- he’d said his niece was coming to visit, right? Yeah, his niece. Definitely his niece.

You plucked one earbud out, plastering on a smile as you slowed to a halt on the running trail. “Jackson,” you greeted breathlessly once he’d arrived close enough. “Hey, small world.”

“I live around here. This park has the best playgrounds, so I wanted to bring Aimee. Oh, this is Aimee, by the way,” he said, smiling at the little girl he was holding and rubbing her back. “Aimee, this is Y/N. We work together.”

The little girl simply buried her face in Jackson’s neck, and he chuckled softly.

“She’s adorable,” you grinned. “You guys having fun?”

“Oh, absolutely. Aimee loves Uncle Jackson, right?” He poked his finger into her side, his eyes lighting up when she giggled. “Right? Who is the best uncle in the world, huh?”

Aimee squirmed away from his tickles, though she still squealed out his name with glee.

Oh, good lord she was cute. It had been a while since you’d been around kids, probably since last Christmas when you’d flown back home to see your family. You had nieces and nephews, too, but you certainly weren’t the Cool Aunt.

...What did that say about you? What did it say that your brother never came to visit you with his kids? That your nieces and nephews never clung to you like Aimee was clinging to Jackson?

“Sorry to bother you,” Jackson said, successfully interrupting your (verging on an existential crisis) thoughts. “Just thought I’d say ‘hello’ real quick, introduce you to my niece. You go on back to running.”

“O--oh, okay,” you stammered. You managed a half-smile before Jackson turned back around, setting Aimee down and immediately running after her, screaming that he was the Tickle Monster coming to get her.

You shook your head before resuming your own run, setting your earbud back in place and trying to let your music drown out your thoughts.

And while you did stop wondering why you weren’t close with your family... you couldn’t stop yourself from glancing over at Jackson and Aimee (and a woman you presumed to be Jackson’s sister). You saw him pushing her on the swings, helping her down the slide, picking her up and carrying her on his shoulders. And then, when she fell and scraped her knee, you saw him carry her to a bench and coddle her.

It was too freaking cute and too freaking unfair.

Unfair because now you found you were barely thinking about anything else. Your mind was filled with thoughts of Jackson and how good he was with his niece and how adorable they were and how adorable he was and how naturally he took care of her and how --

Suddenly, your foot stepped on something - a small rock, it would seem - and it threw you off just enough to send you tumbling to the ground. You felt your ankle twist as you fell, a sharp pain shooting up your calf. You cried out as your arms flew out to break your fall, the cement digging into your palms and knees.

Oh, shit.

Had you really just tripped on a rock because you’d been too distracted thinking about Jackson?!

Part 4

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Thoughts from my recent LOST re-watch

There is absolutely no coherence to this, so please forgive me. It’s just a very long list of all of the random thoughts I’ve had throughout my re-watch of LOST about my opinions on characters, ships, plot lines etc. and how they’ve changed or stayed the same. Feel free to send me an ask if you want me to expand on any of these points. 

Season 1 is perfection. Literal perfection. I can’t find a single criticism for it. The mystery, the suspense, the anticipation, the characterisation, the plot, the build-up. Just everything. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, it’s still so impactful and the pilot is one of the best pilots of any show I’ve ever seen

It’s still so funny that all of the characters so happen to have the perfect combination of skills to survive - Jack the Doctor, Locke the Hunter, Sayid the Soldier and Kate the Tracker

I always knew it anyway, but the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle really is awful. And the fact that they (attempted) to bring Ana Lucia into it and then actually did bring Juliet in to make it a love square is even worse. 

Jack and Juliet actually kind of make sense as a romantic pairing and have good chemistry (but Suliet still rule all) 

Kate is the worst character on the show. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to like her but I never have. She doesn’t undergo any development until around the time she gets Aaron in season 5 - she kills her father in cold blood and justifies it by saying he was a violent drunk (hello, there’s nothing that can justify murder with maybe the exception of self defence), she then goes on the run where she constantly lies, schemes and manipulates to get what she wants, which ultimately leads to her best friend getting killed in the crossfire. From the second she lands on the island she consistently plays Sawyer and Jack off one another by taking advantage of their feelings for her without any consideration to how that impacts them 

John Locke is an asshole a majority of the time and I really don’t like him (this doesn’t include pre-island and flash-sideways John, who’s a sweetheart) 

Charlie Pace is also an asshole and I don’t know how I didn’t see this sooner

I’ll never be over Boone’s death or the fact that he died for nothing because of Locke

Walt getting taken from the raft is still one of the most shocking and haunting moments of the series

Hugo Reyes is the definition of cinnamon roll, I love him with every fibre of my being and LOST wouldn’t be what is is without him

Kate treats Sawyer like shit from the beginning and he deserves so much better. I’m not gonna lie, I still don’t understand how or why Sawyer falls in love with her

Also what is that bullshit with them having sex in the cage? I know it’s supposed to be this hot-we-could-die-at-any-moment raw sex but it just comes across as very weird?? Even if they don’t know there’s cameras on them, they’re outside in the open where anybody could see them at any time

Shannon is a very misunderstood character who deserved better. So. much. better.

I still hate Ben, but he’s one of the best written villains in television I’ve ever seen

Charlie/Claire is the worst romance in the world. They have no chemistry, Charlie develops an obsession with her and practically stalks her, forces her to do what he wants her to do, constantly tries to take over with Aaron despite having absolutely no right to. There is just nothing even remotely redeeming about this ship and I still don’t get it

Locke’s musical theme makes me cry every single time 

And following on from that, as much as I dislike Locke, his flashbacks always make me cry. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do, ever!”, when he gets in the wheelchair in the hospital after his father has pushed him out of the window and when he cries in the car after his father tells him he’s not wanted. It’s heartbreaking 

I still can’t get over all the amazing character connections - Charlie saving Nadia, Sayid meeting Kate’s father and Kelvin during the war, Jack meeting Desmond before the island, Christian being Claire’s father, Christian and Ana Lucia going to Australia together, Sawyer meeting Christian in the bar etc. - it’s all so beautifully done in a way that feels authentic and links the characters (even the ones with more superficial ties) together so well

Michael is not a bad person and is unfairly hated. He’s just a father that did what any parent would do to keep their child safe 

Hurley and Libby are sweet but severely underdeveloped

I actually really dig the episode about Paulo and Nikki

Eko has such a touching and emotional arc, which although short, is very well rounded

The Other 48 Days is still one of the most chilling episodes of the series

It’s sad that the Tailies were all killed off so prematurely, I feel like they all had potential to be more

Jin’s development is so unappreciated. He’s probably the character that goes through the most amount of growth from the pilot to the finale

I know I should feel sorry for Claire (and part of me does), but I still find her too annoying to feel anything but dislike for her

Desmond and Penny’s love story is freakin’ beautiful and nothing can compare

Also how cute are Rose and Bernard? I’ve come to appreciate their relationship so much. They’re literally just two people who love each other in the purest way and want to be together. It’s so beautiful

Sayid is one of the best characters on the show and my love for him has been reaffirmed 

I understand the appeal of Sayid and Shannon but Nadia was Sayid’s soul mate and no one can tell me otherwise

Jack is probably the most unstable character on the show but it’s never acknowledged

Am I the only one that notices that Charlie flat-out lies about not being able to swim? In season 1 when Joanna is drowning Charlie tells Jack he can’t go in to help her because he can’t swim, but he consistently dreams about swimming to save Aaron, Desmond has a vision of him saving Claire from drowning and in season 2 he flat out tells everyone he’s swimming junior champion and swims down to the Looking Glass. Is this Charlie being a liar or simply a fault of the writers, I wonder? 

The episode where Sawyer, Jin and Hurley fix up the Dharma car still makes me so happy

Sun and Jin’s relationship is one of the best developed fictional ships I’ve ever seen. It’s so rare that we actually get to see a married couple who are on the verge of breaking up actually love each other enough to work their asses off to make it work and end up being happier and more in love with each other more than ever before

The Others are still absolutely terrifying in seasons 1 and 2 before we find out who they are

Charlie and Hurley’s friendship is overrated 

Adding to that some underrated dynamics are - Sayid and Desmond (in The Constant Sayid blindly does everything in his power to help Desmond despite not understanding what the hell is going on with him), Kate and Sayid, Hurley and Sayid, Michael, Sawyer and Jin, Shannon and Walt, Boone and Shannon, Eko and Ana.

Jack is by far the most flawed protagonist I’ve seen in any show

I’m intrigued to know what direction Ana Lucia’s character would’ve gone in if she’d survived

The musical themes are still the best of any show I’ve ever seen. I love that each character has their own theme which perfectly encapsulates them

The way that everyone just forgets about Claire after she goes missing and don’t even attempt to find her is so bad. Particularly when you consider the fact that whenever anyone else has gone missing or were kidnapped - Jack, Kate, Michael, Hurley - they’ve gone on a rescue mission immediately 

I’ve always been indifferent to Sun but I realise now that I don’t like her. She’s very hard to connect with and in the last seasons she becomes completely irrelevant and has no personality what-so-ever

Jack reacts so coldly to finding out that Claire is his sister. Like he finds out, he’s shocked, has tears in his eyes but nothing changes in how he behaves and thinks about Claire and Aaron, which makes no sense (but I’m glad we got to see this explored in the Flash Sideways)

Danielle and Alex Rousseau deserved better. So much better

All these people that accuse the show of having an abundance of plot-holes just aren’t paying attention or want everything to be spoon fed to them. There’s actually only about 1 or 2 inconsistencies big enough to be considered a plot-hole (the main one being that Danielle actually sees Ben face-to-face when he kidnaps Alex, but later on doesn’t recognise him when she captures him in a net) and everything is tied together perfectly

I didn’t realise before but season 5 is actually a pretty bad season. The most redeeming aspect is Suliet

Did anyone else notice that Naveen’s (Sayid) accent regresses into his own English accent in season 5 and 6? 

I actually hate the entire concept of Jacob and the MIB and what was done with them

Jack really does become Locke in seasons 5 and 6 

Following on from that, I really can’t blame Sawyer for wanting to murder Jack in season 5/6. He saunters back onto the island like he’s King of the Island thinking he’s some hero who’s going to save everyone he left behind whilst also fixing himself without any consideration to the repercussions. He completely destroys the life Sawyer and Juliet have spent 3 damn years building which results in a lot of people dying, including Juliet and he doesn’t even really seem that aware of how badly he’s fucked up 

We were robbed of a Frank Lapidus centric episode and flashbacks. Robbed, I tell you

I love Jack and Kate as a ship, but when they get back to the island in season 5 they’re very OOC (which is a writing problem imo). Kate wanders off and leaves Jack behind all the time and they don’t really stick together which is just not like Jack and Kate at all. No matter what they always stick together 

Sawyer’s character development is amazing. I love him so much 

The Temple is dumb. The concept of it, the people we’re introduced to - everything. It should’ve just been scrapped 

I also don’t understand what the hell happens to Sayid when he’s drowned in The Temple???? It’s so random and inconsistent, it makes no sense

I still love the concept of the Flash Sideways and don’t understand how people can hate on it or claim it doesn’t matter. It’s so important in so many ways 

But I still don’t quite understand why Jack and Juliet have a son in the Flash Sideways? I understand why Jack has a son, because it makes sense for him to work out his ‘daddy issues’, but I don’t understand why Juliet is the mother and what the significance is of that

We really should’ve got more Desmond centric episodes

The Constant is still one of the best episodes of television ever made

The older I get the more I understand and appreciate the religious and theological meanings of the show

I still don’t understand how or why Hurley starts being able to see ghosts. Like that ability just comes out of no where with little to no explanation 

It also gets very confusing trying to distinguish between literal ghosts and when the MIB has taken on a dead person’s form

I understand now that one of the many reasons LOST speaks to me on a personal level, and always has, is that I too have felt lost (both metaphorically and literally) throughout my life and I’m able to connect to every character on that basis regardless of whether I like them or not

The characterisation on this show is still second to none. The way each character has distinct lives that are fully fleshed out by flashbacks and that we get to understand every intimate detail about them - the worst thing they’ve ever done, their happiest moment, their greatest fear, the person they love most - I’m yet to find another show that writes its characters in such a complex and fulfilling way

I will always love the show and stand by it being one of the best shows ever, but as the seasons progress it does decline in quality, especially seasons 5 and 6 

The finale is still perfect though. I cry like a baby every single time - the church, the way Jack cries in his dad’s arms, it’s just too much

[popculturepsychology-blog]

What Disorder Did Dennis Reynolds Have

(NOTE: Fictional Diagnosis delves into the minds of fictional characters. The diagnoses given are a way to learn more about psychological disorders and give an individual viewpoint of made-up people. The intention of these blogs is in no way to belittle or mock the severity and real consequences of these disorders, but to simply provide a unique way of learning about diagnostics and the DSM-5. People cannot truly be diagnosed unless they are working directly with a clinician. What follows is merely the opinion of a bored masters of psychology student who watches too much TV)

I’m going to start off by saying that the diagnosis I’ve come to for Dennis won’t shock anyone who has seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Dennis is the epitome of narcissism in our common understanding, and his entire character seems to be based upon the textbook definition of narcissistic personality disorder (I would honestly not be surprised if the writers took the time to learn these symptoms in writing this role). Instead of going symptom by symptom to work out his diagnosis, I’m going to go in reverse for this one and give the diagnosis before explaining why it is not anything else.

Dennis Reynolds has narcissistic personality disorder. The criteria for this disorder is listed below. You need at least five symptoms to receive this diagnosis:

Exaggerates own importance

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance

Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions

Requires constant attention and admiration from others

Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy

Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes

There is not a single symptom listed above that Dennis does not possess. The lack of empathy, the arrogance, the need for attention, and expectations of special treatment are the defining aspects of his personality. From the D.E.N.N.I.S. system to the crying onion, Dennis uses tools at his disposal to manipulate those around him for his own pleasure. It’s difficult to think of another character who so perfectly displays such a severe form of NPD.

And yet, there is another disorder Dennis could almost as easily be diagnosed with: Antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder shares a lot of similarities to NPD, and it can be difficult for even the most skills clinicians to find the difference. Antisocial personality disorder is frequently associated with psychopathy, something that wouldn’t be too hard to attribute Dennis too. I mean what else would you call someone who is willing to buy a boat simply for the implication. Though the connection is fairly complicated, psychopaths tend to have antisocial personality disorder, though not all those with antisocial personality disorder fit the profile of a psychopath (this article gets into the differences a bit more than I have here https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/antisocial-personality-disorder/psychopathy-and-antisocial-personality-disorder-case-diagnostic-confusion).

Below are the characteristics of antisocial personality disorder, of which three symptoms must be met:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest

Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning othering for personal profit or pleasure

Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

Reckless disregard for safety of self or others

Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations

Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Here again, Dennis meets enough symptoms for this diagnosis. The gang’s disregard for the law is seen in pretty much every episode. Dennis is deceitful, sometimes just for his own enjoyment, and is frequently impulsive (solving the gas crisis anyone?). Though he does not frequently get into fights, he is consistently irritable, has no regard for the safety or wellbeing of others, and would consider remorse to be as foreign as another language. So does that mean that Dennis has antisocial personality disorder AS WELL AS narcissistic personality disorder? Not exactly.

Meeting symptoms is only step one of diagnostics. The DSM has multiple criteria that has to be met beyond this aspect. For one, some disorders have prerequisites, and antisocial personality disorder is one of those. In order to receive this diagnosis, you must have had evidence of having a conduct disorder prior to the age of 15. Conduct disorders, without getting too deeply into it, are very similar to antisocial personality disorder, they’re just seen in children instead of adults. For Dennis, we get the idea that even as a youth he wasn’t exactly a good samaritan, so that doesn’t rule out this disorder.

Another criterion that must be met for all disorders is simply this: The symptoms cannot be better attributed to another disorder. That is the key here to the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Dennis fits some symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, but they are the same symptoms he fits in narcissistic personality disorder (except for the impulsivity, but that can be related to a desperate desire to be admired). He also doesn’t neatly fit into antisocial personality disorder as easily as he does to NPD. Dennis does not get into physical altercations, and though he does not care about the safety of others, he desperately cares about his own safety. An example frequently given about this antisocial symptom is that of someone driving recklessly in a car just to scare their passengers. This puts both the driver and the passenger at risk. Dennis does not strike me as a person who would be willing to risk his own life just to harm others.

A key factor that makes NPD a better diagnosis is the fact that Dennis does have vulnerabilities. Those with antisocial personality disorder do not care what others think about them, and do not take the dislike of others to heart. Other people liking and admiring him is a definitive part of Dennis’ personality, to the point that he nearly starves himself to death when Dee suggests he looks fat on camera. Dennis is cold, calculated, and cruel, but his obsession with himself is his weakness, and it is this obsession that perfectly places him in the narcissistic personality box.

[zefyre]

Garrus/Kag?

a+, 11/10, 👌👌👌✔✔✔✔✔ would write if iknew how to spin it, will cry if somehow by some miracle i ever see any contentfor it, like p l s? god?? y'all, garrus is apparently fucking s e v e n??? feettall??? you guys should know by now i’m so fucking weak for height differences,they’d be so freaking cute together?? that i wouldhonestly die of happiness

god pls i’m just imagining some scenariowhere he has to carry her out of a fire fight or smth bc she’s injured! hewould dwarf her, cradle her close and careful to his chest bc yea she’s abadass but she’s also tiny and human and in his head smol + human + hurt = vstrong need to protect his girl

and now i’m getting ideas lmao look what u did nonny!

(warning: a long spiel of unasked rambling under the cut)

((also also it’s been a while since i lastplayed mass effect and i’ve got the memory of a goldfish so apologies for anymistakes or ooc-ness lmao))

hmm but then how would they meet/knoweach other?? old c-sec partner? kagome comes onto the normandy to like, assistdr. chakwas??? oh! or maybe she meets him during his time as archangel, was apart of his team there but had managed to survive? and when shepard finds themboth holed up at his base and garrus inevitably takes that blast, she helpskeeps him stable and refuses to leave his side?

mhmm, since i can’t really see her abilitieshaving a place in like space? lolol maybe she’d have biotics instead? good witha pistol, deadly with a sniper, and maybe a bit of training in field medicinefor both humans and aliens??? which was maybe why garrus recruited her in thefirst place (and knowing him, he could never turn down a good shot, esp. afellow sniper, and she was a damngood one so the choice was obvious)

like garrus maybe meets her to ask her somequestions – she’s been on omega for a while now, made a bit of a name forherself as someone who’s willing to give a lending hand. she’s not really adoctor per say, but the thing is she knows her stuff. she’s got connections.and what’s better is that she’s nice, she’s unaffiliated, and more importantly,doesn’t ask any questions.

((kagome doesn’t involve herself with any ofthe mercenary outfits, however much she dislikes them, but rumor has it she’sunder aria’s protection which is why no one messes with her. kagome’s justreally good at making friends with the strangest variety of people and bc of that she’s left alone.))

but yea, what started as patching up a coupleof teens here and there that got into scrapes or roughed up from a job or whathave you turned to her apartment becoming a sort of safe haven if you needhelp. if kagome couldn’t help, she’d be sure to know someone who could and sendthem there. garrus picks up her name one day pretty early on in his days on omega,figures with people from all the merc groups coming through her door she’d hearsome things and finds her to get some intel. except kagome isn’t a snitch, pplwouldn’t consider her safe to approach if she was, so of course when he triesto press her for info she only smiles at garrus, hands him some medigeland bandages for the gunshot wound he was trying to conceal (and would swear?? hehadn’t let on about??), and some rations bc helooked like he could use it.

“you seem like a goodguy,” kagome says as garrus finally goes to leave. “smart, too.”

he pauses, halfwayout the door, and turns to look at her over his shoulder. she was stillsmiling, though it was softer now, more genuine. he doesn’t say anything inreply, but he tips his head to the side, listening, mandibles twitching as hewaits.

“you’re not the firstone to get it in their head to take on the mercs.” she looks at him closely.“you know it’s a suicide mission.”

garrus tenses, headdropping low for barely a moment before he straightens and pins her with a hardstare. “you’re telling me to drop it?” the very idea makes him bristle.

the small human womanactually snorts. “i doubt you’d listen. somehow i doubt you’d even care.” sheshakes her head. “no, i’m telling you you’d be dead before the week is up, soif you want to last longer than that, if you actually want to make adifference, put a dent in the mercs’ operations, then you might want to find some people.”her smile grows. “a squad.”

garrus stares at herfor a long moment, studying her. curiosity and something else stirs deep in hischest and he turns fully towards her, eyes narrowing something wry. “and youwouldn’t happen to know a few people that might be interested, would you?”

“well,” she shrugs,all casual and indifferent, but the curl of her mouth was definitely coy. “iknow a lot of people.”

it actually pulls ashort laugh from him, the sound raspy and gravelly but genuine, and it startleshim. he hasn’t laughed in long while, hasn’t had much reason to, not sinceshepard and the normandy…

he shakes himselffrom those thoughts and turns his attention back to the woman in front of him.“then I’d appreciate any help you could give me.”

and from there, garrus finds himself payingvisits to kagome’s modest little apartment every once in a while. sometimes tosee if she’ll give him any intel picked up from her other visitors (shedoesn’t), sometimes to ask if she knows somebody that could get him one thing oranother (that, she could help with) or if she heard any rumors about this murderor a string of missing people (she was more forthcoming when it came to thingslike that, and didn’t mind passing on info she’d heard on her own). andeventually every once in a while turns into a few times a week, to say hi, tochat, sometimes to have a drink.

except as garrus’ team grows and they make aname of their own, they start to make waves – it doesn’t take long after forthe wrong people to make connections, and even all the friends kagome madedoesn’t stop her apartment door from bursting open one day, ppl crashing in armed withguns and demands that she come with them, archangel on the tips of their tongues.

but it’s omega of course, practicallyeveryone was armed one way or another. kagome was no different. it didn’t hurtthat they sent a small group, thinking she’d come without a fight. throwing upa barrier and knocking them out with her biotics was too easy – not a lotpeople even know she was a biotic, so the element of surprise was with her.

It takes over an hour after the fact that hehears about it – he storms over and into her place to see it in shambles, theintruders still knocked out, and kagome gone with the wind.

there’s blood.

none of the mercenaries are bleeding.

suffice to say, garrus is neither gentle norpatient when he grabs one off the ground and shakes him awake to interrogatehim, and it’s only the slightest relief to hear they weren’t able to take her.

even that is squashed when he hears it’sbecause of him that they even came for her, and he’s none to kind when he knocks the fucker out again with the butt ofhis rifle before he’s off to find her.

he’s been looking for over 24 hours whensomeone approaches him, or rather, knocks into him under the guise of passinghim a note with an address on it.

he goes to it, of course, recognizes thehandwriting as well as the address and it’s with knee weakening relief to findher safe and sound in a well-guarded room in afterlife, nursing only a grazeand a strong drink, not even caring how she was even able to organize it.

(aria’s an old friend, she later says, muchto his bewilderment)

and there’s a moment™, garrus crouched down in front of kagome where she’sresting on the couch, and he reaches out to gently take her injured arm,mandibles fluttering in his distress, subvocals thrumming almost a whine when he turns toapologize that she stops him, striking him speechless as she reaches up to touchthe side of his face and smile kindly as she simply says, “not your fault.”

afterward, after garrus double checks on herwound and checks her over for any other injuries despite her rolling eyes andinsistence that she’s fine, and they’re left sitting together on the couch bothnursing a drink of their own, sitting close enough that their thighs arepressed together, she turns to him and says that since she can’t go home now,there’s nothing left but to join up with him now.

to which garrus sputters, choking mid-sip onhis drink, but because he couldn’t find any reason to object (not that heactually wanted to object – if he washonest, if he had ever thought there was the slightest chance she’d actuallyagree, he’d have asked her months ago)he agrees and welcomes her on board.

she fits in nicely with his crew, shepractically already knew most of them in some way or another, and from thereit’s smooth sailing. he couldn’t ask for a better squad, and it was almost tooeasy to disrupt the stranglehold the three merc groups had on omega.

(there’s a human saying about knocking onwood when it came to chancing fate, and if there had actually been any nearby he’d have done so in a heartbeat)

it takes him a long while before he realizes he’snot just fond of her, but attracted toher – it isn’t until they’re betrayed by one of their own that he recognizesthe driving force behind the strong sense of protectiveness that overwhelms himwhen they’re in a firefight, the same one that spikes whenever she dives out of cover tohelp when someone gets hit, and in the months that follow when it’s just themtwo holding the fort against wave after wave of mercs, it’s her that compelshim not to throw himself in one last blaze of glory to take out as many mercsas he can.

when shepard comes blazing in, he almostcouldn’t believe it, he thinks his prayers to the spirits for some way for themto get out of the corner they’d been backed into were answered in the form of amiracle.

he should have remembered the spirits had asick sense of humor when he took a rocket to the face.

[shikkearu]

Wattpad Ao3 (Canonverse, established relationship, after time-skip, talk of sex and periods, About 1000 words)

Mihawk hates this time of the month and the sense of powerlessness it brings him. She's in pain and he hates to see her like that, but there are no easy solutions. He cannot simply slash this enemy into pieces, he has to be cunning and that is tiresome, but he has to do something. 

He makes her some hot chocolate and a warm bagel. He knows those are her favourite. He grabs some painkillers and takes them to her bedroom, only to be greeted by her groans of agony. The first day is the worst and she usually spends most of it in her room. That's how he knows it's that time of the month, when she decides to return to her own bedroom. He slowly carries the tray to her and asks her to sit up so he can give it to her. She seems glad that he brings breakfast in bed, but as she lifts herself up a bit she twinges in pain and shivers of cold. He curses slightly in his head. He should have first brought her some medicine and after waiting, make her the food. Now it would be cold when she feels good enough to get up.

She hides under the covers and he gives her the medicine, before climbing on the bed next to her. When he's under the covers, he collects her in his arms and sighs. She cuddles against him and shivers when her innards cramp causing her pain. She apologizes for being like that and he says there's nothing to be sorry for, he knows it's only natural for her body.

She had been ashamed like this back when she came to the castle and into his life. When asking if she needed anything she would insist on going with him instead of giving just a list. Once at the island she would disappear somewhere leaving just a ghost to keep an eye on him. It was weird since she was paranoid he would ditch her where ever they visited. Just once did she have to stay back to take care of Roronoa. She was blushing and embarrassed when he inquired what she might need. She still would have preferred to go with him, but after back-and-forthing with her and ultimately threatening to get her nothing, she finally gave him a list. He had to look at her in disbelief for a moment seeing women's sanitary products as her reason for being so ashamed. His look had made her cry and become angry. She would have dashed off had he not grabbed a hold of her arm and calmly explained that there was absolutely nothing for her to be ashamed off and it didn't bother him at all. He was an adult man and knew of these things. Of course at the shop he had asked help from a female shopkeeper, it was his first time buying such things. Though now-a-days it was easy since he had one time made her show him what she needed and what kind of products he should buy.

The rest of the week she is much better, but it's still a week of misery. She'd rather sleep by herself and if he is able to coax his way into her bed, any show of affection is left as caresses, kisses and cuddles. He wouldn't mind going further, but she hates the extra mess a period creates. The mess is something she hates about sex. Rather than cuddle and enjoy the afterglow, she dashes off quickly to take a shower. He isn't bothered by sweat or any other fluids, only changing sheets is a bother, but she feels self-conscious of it. She has a need to be perfect and being dirty doesn't fit into that image. Usually he would join her in the shower, it was a compromise enough, especially if they would go on their ways after. He wasn't very touchy person in general, but after making love, closeness was something he absolutely needed and craved for. After a quickie is a different story though.

During this time of month she's more quiet and prefers to be by herself. Maybe he should cherish the fact that she was not tearing away his magazine or forcing him to hug her whenever she pleased, but he found himself annoyed by it. He was annoyed by the lack of touch, he was annoyed by her lack of volume. He was annoyed by her not being annoying. Everything about her period was annoying. Her self hatred and embarrassment he disliked the most. Something so natural to her body shouldn't make her feel ashamed. He likes it best when she is her own bratty little princess self.

But the worst part of her period is when it's late. This sets his ghost princess into a frenzy. A half a week is enough to give her a pregnancy scare. Though she is 25 already, she's not quite ready for kids. He himself is indifferent. If fate has it then so be it. But it's probably for the better if they do not have any, given how Kuraigana is seclusive and dangerous. Not to mention that people close to him are in danger due to him having accumulated quite a lot of enemies. And even this relationship he's having with her might only be temporary. It wasn't because he didn't consider her as someone he could spend the rest of his life with, but because she might not consider him as someone special to her. She was young and flimsy and most likely she was in it because of his status, wealth and possibility of finding her dear master-Moria again. He definitely could not understand why she was wasting her time on a man like himself.

She lifts herself up slightly and kisses his cheek. He looks at her surprised, he had been so lost in thought. She quietly whispers her gratitude for his care and then softly kissed his lips. He caressed her side and cheek and slowly covers her with his body while kissing her ever so softly. It was a bit risky considering what time of month it was, but she didn't seem to mind being close to him. Instead it seemed that she was craving for it, snaking her arms around him and biting his lower lip begging for entry.

It was quite not as good as sex, but for now it would do just fine.

[graciebirdie]

The Sun, The Moon, And The Stars Part 3

Oh my god you guys this section/chapter/whatever really kicked my ass. It turned into a crime procedural? Just fyi all the legal stuff is from tv so...

Part one here / part two here

Peter had to admit, he was mildly impressed with Derek’s other two betas. They, at least, had the ability to think on their feet and the common sense not to bring up werewolves when dealing with humans.

He had actually laughed out loud when he realized they were carefully painting Gerard as racist.

The best part was that he could hear their heartbeats and they weren’t even lying. Apparently, Gerard had been less than subtle in the way he interacted with them. Good. That meant that there would be witnesses that would be able to corroborate their stories.

Nobody liked a racist. Especially one that was so blatant he would abduct an underage interracial couple. If this went to trial the jury would definitely side with the kids who were charismatic, believable and, so far, smart liars. The perfect combination as far as Peter was concerned.

Peter waited through Stiles being checked by the paramedics and listened to his heartbeat skitter around like a terrified animal. Stiles was lying through his teeth about his injuries.

Peter was quite confused by Stiles’ behavior. Why didn’t he let them check him completely? Was he afraid of being seen as weak by his father?

No, that couldn’t be it because he was whining loudly about his nose hurting.

Maybe he disliked hospitals? That might be it. Peter could definitely understand, he hated hospitals.

Maybe he was just worried about the cost of going to the hospital. Peter could remember the exorbitant fees when his… He pushed that thought away.

There was something wrong while Stiles. Not just physically. There was something mentally wrong, some reason why he needed to put others before himself.

It sounded to Peter like Stiles was the type to put his only family member above himself and refuse medical attention if it meant he wouldn’t stress out his father.

This new insight into Stiles just reinforced how much Peter wanted him on his side and gave him a better idea of how to do that. If Peter could show Stiles that he could both take care of Stiles and the people Stiles cared about then he would start to trust Peter.

But Stiles’ trust was hard won and he would probably only have one real chance to gain it. If he messed up, Stiles would never trust him and might even kill him, if Stiles thought it would be for the benefit of the pack.

Now Peter just had to figure out how to convince someone who didn’t easily trust that Peter was dependable. And it wouldn’t be easy, Peter had already attacked Stiles and two of the people he cared about.

Peter had a lot of work ahead of him…

***

Once Stiles and his father had driven off without incident Peter felt confident that the Kanima problem had been properly taken care of. He just had to find his nephew to confirm it.

Peter mildly regretted crushing his phone but it had been the best move at the time. He decided a howl would work well enough to find them. He made his way into the woods before throwing his head back and calling for his nephew who was not his alpha. Derek might have done the noble thing, killing Peter to stop him, but Peter would never be able to submit to someone who had killed him.

A shaky and weak howl answered his. Definitely not Derek or Scott. It must have been Derek’s vicious twiggy beta.

He followed it out to the old house.

There was he found a very grumpy looking Derek, an incredibly pleased Scott, a bored looking stick, a crying Lydia, and a very naked Jackson.

He eyed Lydia and Jackson in interest. Blood was smeared across Jackson’s back and Lydia was clinging to his front.

“So, I take it everything went well?” he asked, very interested to see if he had been right about how to defeat the Kanima.

Derek ignored him completely while Scott just glared.

It was Derek’s little bean poll that answered. “Derek and I killed him but he got back up and was all wolfed out.” He shrugged. It didn’t seem like he found the situation very interesting.

“Did Lydia say something to him before hand?” Peter asked, intrigued.

The boy shrugged again. “I guess.”

Well, that was good enough for Peter. He supposed all in all it hadn’t been the worst day. Nobody had died, which was a little unfortunate, but Peter decided it was a very good start to his dedication to turn over a new leaf.

“Well, if anyone’s interested Gerard was arrested.” That certainly got everybody’s attention. At lease there was a lot of exclamations of disbelief.

Derek growled and grabbed the front of Peter’s shirt. “What the hell did you do?”

Peter shoved him away and straightened his shirt. “Just my civic duty, nephew.”

Scott was doing a great impression of a flailing Stiles while Isaac, Lydia, and Jackson looked annoyed.

Derek growled some more. “What did. You do?”

Peter sighed and rolled his eyes. “I found Stiles and called the police.”

Scott squawked in indignation. “You called Stiles’ dad? Stiles is going to kill you!”

“No, I called the police. And they found Stiles and Derek’s two other little betas in Gerard’s basement so the police did their job and arrested him.” Peter was surrounded by idiots.

Isaac looked shocked. “Boyd and Erica? Are they alright?”

“Yes, they’re fine.” Unlike Stiles, but nobody had asked about him yet.

Derek was still growling. It was really starting to get old. “Where are they? How did Gerard even get them in the first place?”

“Oh, I don’t know Derek. Gerard’s a hunter, how does he get anyone?” Scott was still seething. “I can’t believe you called Stiles’ dad! Why didn’t you tell us where they were?”

Peter wondered if Stiles would get mad if he killed Scott. Probably best not to risk it. “Because Stiles is human and his father is the sheriff. It was the best possible way to distract Gerard while the Kanima was being taken care of. And it had the added bonus of making Gerard not our probable anymore.”

Scott still wasn’t getting it. “But you involved Stiles’ dad with this stuff! You can’t do that!”

The temptation to kill Scott was getting harder to resist. Peter was going to have to leave soon. “Scott, Gerard is a human who made to the mistake of kidnapping the sheriff’s son. He was practically begging to be arrested. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go before I kill all of you.”

He turned and stomped off, towards the person who would hopefully understand his motives.

Peter couldn’t believe these people.

Derek was supposed to be an alpha. He should have cared, at least a little bit about a pack-adjacent human.

And Scott. Stiles’ best friend. His only concern was Stiles’ father. Of course, the sheriff was Stiles concern, too. It must have rubbed off onto Scott. But that just made Peter even angrier. Scott should have been able to see what Stiles was doing and taken care of him.

Neither one had asked about Stiles and they had seemed incredibly angry that Peter had managed a peaceful solution to one (or two depending how it was counted) of their problems.

As for Lydia, Jackson, and Isaac, they were nonentities as far as Peter was concerned. He could not care less about them.

Lydia had done her part in bring Peter back from the dead so he had no more use of her. And Stiles would more assuredly get mad if Peter bothered her again, anyway.

Jackson was so used to be in charge he was going to make a terribly uncooperative beta werewolf. Peter didn’t even have any sympathy for Derek. The boy deserved it for acting rashly. He should have learned from Peter’s mistakes with Scott.

Jackson and Stiles despised each other while Lydia pretended Stiles didn’t exist. Until she wanted something from him, that is. Peter knew the way Lydia’s mind worked. If she got her hands Stiles she would chew him up and spit back out someone completely different. Someone that wouldn’t even be Stiles anymore.

And Isaac had managed to both helpful and unhelpful at the same time, a juxtaposition Peter would normally find interesting but he’d gotten the sense that Stiles and Isaac were indifferent to each other so until Stiles told Peter to worry about Isaac Peter was going to ignore him.

Peter didn’t care about Derek and his little pack anymore. He was done with them. They weren’t his pack and he didn’t want them to be.

Actually, Peter was done with packs altogether. His first pack, his family, had been afraid of him because he didn’t mind getting his hands dirty, if it meant keeping them safe.

But they hadn’t been able to understand him or his motives and had always been worried he’d snap and kill them all. Or, at least, that’s what Talia had been afraid of.

His second pack had just been a complete disaster. One accidental beta that hated him and wanted to kill him and his nephew who hated him and had actually killed him.

Yes, Peter was done with packs. He needed to find a way to stop himself becoming an omega without them. Stiles on his own might be enough, once Stiles accepted Peter, but the idea didn’t sit quite right. Peter was very weak still and having no pack would just make him weaker. He needed to be strong if he was going to prove to Stiles that he could take care of him.

Peter needed to be an alpha again. But he didn’t want to kill his nephew even if

Peter wanted nothing to do with him. Committing parricide four times was probably excessive. Plus, he was trying to convince Stiles he was trustworthy. Killing Derek to become an alpha would only make Stiles distrust him more.

He needed some way to become an alpha without killing anyone.

He thought of the sharp boy-wolf-earth-magic smell of Stiles. He thought of a ritual he’d once read. If he could find the book with the ritual and convince Stiles it was a good idea maybe, just maybe he’d be able to become an alpha again and bind Stiles to him at the same time. It was at the very least, worth a try.

*** Peter went to the sheriff’s station first. It was late but the sheriff was probably still working and he would almost definitely be keeping Stiles close by.

Peter settled outside the view of the security cameras and listened.

He heard people moving around and talking about paperwork. He heard people crying. And someone excessively coughing.

He heard the sheriff speaking. “Let me see if I understand this correctly. You want me to not arrest Chris and Allison Argent for the assault and abduction of minors? You do realize I have over whelming evidence and very reliable witness statements, right? Why would I just ignore all of that?”

A man’s voice that Peter didn’t recognize spoke next. “Because Sheriff, my client will be willing to plead guilty to all charges. As long as his son and granddaughter are not charged and Mr. Argent is placed in a medical institution. The man has stage four lung cancer. He wouldn’t live long enough to stand trial.”

Well, wasn’t that an interesting development. Gerard was dying. That would probably explain some of his rasher decisions. Like trying to destroy the sheriff’s station and then killing someone right outside of it. Gerard was going off the rails because he was afraid of his own mortality.

Peter snorted. And then he laughed so hard he doubled over and had to hold his stomach when it started to ache from the laughter.

He tried to get himself back under control because the sheriff was talking again and Peter wanted to hear what he had to say. “I don’t need your client to plead guilty. Like I already told you we have a rock-solid case against him.”

The other man, assumedly Gerard’s lawyer huffed. “By witness do you mean your delinquent son? He would hold up on the stand.”

Peter could tell the sheriff was trying to sound calm when he spoke again. “I personally found your client in his basement with my son’s blood on his fists and two sixteen-year-olds tied up to a machine that was electrocuting them. I have more than enough evidence. I’m not taking a deal.”

The lawyer sighed. “Well, we’ll just have to see what the DA has to say about you having such an obvious personal connection to this that’s clouding your judgment.”

The sheriff actually growled at that. It was even a little impress, for a human. “I guess we will.”

Peter heard a chair scrap across the floor and then a door opening and closing.

There were a few minutes of normal late-night office noises before Peter heard the sheriff speaking again.

“Sorry to be the one to tell you this Jason but your boss just cut a deal. He’s got cancer and he’s throwing you under the bus so he can go to a nice cushy hospital and get free treatment.”

“What?! No, Mr. Argent wouldn’t do that! He doesn’t have cancer! You’re lying!” Presumably Jason was one of the seven heartbeats Peter had heard at the Argent’s house.

“It’s true. You haven’t noticed the way he’s been coughing lately?”

“But he’s just…got a cold?” Peter had to assume this man was a complete idiot.

“How long has he this cold, Jason?” And apparently the sheriff agreed with Peter.

“Look man, Mr. Argent’s been good to me. He wouldn’t just sell me out. He’s loyal.” Peter snorted. An Argent was only loyal to themselves.

The sheriff sighed. “You’re right. You caught me Jason. Gerard didn’t cut a deal-”

“Ah-ha! I knew it!” Jason crowed, interrupting the sheriff.

“You didn’t let me finish. He didn’t make a deal for you. He made a deal to save his son and granddaughter. He told me that this was all your idea. The one that decided to abduct Vernon Boyd and Erica Reyes. And my son.” There was a long moment of silence before the sheriff spoke again. “Now why do you think he’d say that, Jason?”

Jason didn’t say anything so the sheriff kept going.

“You do realize that you’re going to jail for abducting three minors, don’t you?”

Jason suddenly started yelling. “Those three pieces of shit?! How can you care about them when they’re not even human?!”

Peter made a mental note to congratulate the two betas on a job well done. The sheriff didn’t suspect werewolves and the hunters were just talking themselves into a hate crime. It was pretty perfect. Peter could very easily picture the sheriff leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest and satisfied look on his face. “So he’s telling the truth? It was your idea?”

“NO! I wanted to just kill them but Mr. Argent said that it would be better if we used them as-” Jason cut himself off, no doubt starting to realize he’d made a mistake.

“So, you wanted to kill three teenagers but Gerard Argent wanted to use them for something? What did he want to use them for?”

Jason didn’t reply so the sheriff kept talking.

“Jason you have to help yourself here. If you don’t tell me exactly what happened the Argents’ are going to get away with this and you and your friend Todd are going to be left taking all of the blame. Gerard is dying, Allison is seventeen and just lost her mother, and Chris just lost his wife and sister. A jury would find them very sympathetic.”

“Okay…” Jason said slowly. “I’ll tell you what happened.”

“Now Jason, that’s what I like to hear.” The sheriff sounded pleased as punch.

Peter would have happily listened in to a hunter’s censored version of the events but he found himself distracted by the stations front door opening.

Stiles stepped outside, tripped over the door jam, and flailed for a moment. Peter let himself smile a little bit at the sight. Here was his chance to have a privet conversation with Stiles.

*** Peter knew he was grinning. He couldn’t stop himself. The conversation he’d had with Stiles had gone perfectly.

Sure, Stiles had yelled but he’d been surprised to see Peter and understandably so.

Stiles had almost instantly accepted that Peter was alive again and he had been visibly relieved that the Kanima was no longer a threat.

He’d taken Peter’s reassures about the Kanima without demanding corroboration too. Of course, he was probably going to call Scott to get his side of the story but Peter expected nothing less.

He’d even causally touched Peter, something no one else had done since before… Actually, Peter couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so calm around him. Sure, the touches hadn’t been the friendliest but they hadn’t been the least bit painful. And not just because Stiles was human. Stiles had shoved at Peter in mild frustration but it had felt more like Stiles silently telling Peter to just get on with it rather than trying to hurt him.

And Stiles had punched him but it had been so light Peter was tempted to call it a love tap. He knew Stiles had been trying not to hurt his hand on Peter’s face but the touch hadn’t even stung. It had been more playful than threatening.

Peter decided that their conversation had gone perfectly.

Now Peter just had to continue to prove his trustworthiness to Stiles. And he just happened to have the perfect way to start: the sheriff had only arrested five hunters. There was at least a dozen more running around Beacon Hills. None of them were going to be pleased that their bosses had been arrested and none of them had any respect for authority.

The sheriff had a target on his back and he didn’t even know it. But Peter knew and he was going to do everything he could to keep him safe. Because that would bring Peter one step closer to fulfilling his master plan.

Part Four Here

[kingsmakers]

Hey, lovely. If it's not too much to ask could you do all (or as many as you want) of the angst questions for Piper?? Thank you

I’ve answered some of these here and there before but I combined them all here and answered the ones I haven’t done :D

1. What’s one experience your character had that made them very afraid?

I don’t think there’s much…yet ;)

2. Does your character have a deep and/or dark secret? If so, what is it?

Well I think it’s the fact that she was abused by Jason. She’s ashamed of that, especially because Jason “doesn’t seem like that kind of guy” so she feels like people think she’s lying about what happened to her.

3. Have they ever lost a loved one? What happened to them, and are they the same as they were before they lost them?

Nope, not yet. I wouldn’t say Jason really counts as a loved one.

4. Has your character ever been hurt or betrayed by someone they thought they could depend on? What happened?

Again, Jason. She trusted him and to some extent idolised him because he was an older guy, but Piper was basically his rebound because he and Polly couldn’t be together.

5. Would they ever turn on someone they just met in order to save themselves?

For sure, Piper is fundamentally quite selfish. It’s something she’s working on.

6. Have they ever committed a crime, or something they felt was wrong? What was it?

Well, she cheated on Jason and she does feel bad about it.

7. If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would it be and why?

Funnily enough, the one person this applies to is already dead, and she’s possibly a culprit in his murder.

8. Does your character have any enemies? If so, who and why?

Cheryl Blossom, at the moment. Cheryl doesn’t know what to make of Piper’s story and definitely thinks she could be behind Jason’s death.

9. Is the character a victim of abuse?

Yep, emotional and sexual abuse. 

10. What were the character’s parents like? What was the affect the parents had on the character?

They’re a bit indifferent to Piper. Not in a bad way, they just let her do as she pleases with little regard for the consequences. As such, Piper is used to getting whatever she wants, and having people wrapped around her little finger. It also means she craves attention.

11. What are your character’s coping mechanisms?

Junk food and copious amounts of alcohol, as well as pretending that she’s absolutely fine.

12. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

She doesn’t like suffering herself, but there are certain others who she doesn’t mind seeing suffer a bit.

13. What does it take to make your character cry?

It would probably be something very little after all these big stresses, the icing on the cake. Something small would just have her break down. In fact, it actually happened at the beginning when that Nirvana song came on and she just lost it.

14. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

She’s incredibly self-destructive. Sometimes she doesn’t care what she does and what happens because of it. It’s part of the reason she cheated on Jason with Merikh - because shit had gone down in their relationship and she got to the stage where she just didn’t care what he thought of her anymore.

15. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

I think her biggest fear is exposure, for the world to see her as she really is rather than her pretending to be perfect. She keeps her secret close to her because of this - she doesn’t want to be seen as a flawed and damaged person. When she’s scared, she’s very snappy and tends to close herself off to others.

16. What are your character’s vices and bad habits?

Definitely drinking. Piper surrounds herself with other people to avoid her own issues.

17. Is your character afraid of death? Why/why not?

Yeah, she is. I think because most teenagers see themselves as invincible, and Jason’s murder is a harsh reminder that they aren’t.

18. Would society call your character a good guy or a bad guy? what would they say they are?

I think probably an anti-hero. She definitely isn’t what I’d call a good guy, but neither is she a bad guy.

19. What is your character insecure about?

Oh a lot really. She’s not very secure about herself at all.

20.  What was something they struggled with greatly and how did they overcome it?

Her reaction to Jason’s death. She felt awful that she didn’t really grieve, she wasn’t happy about it but she just didn’t really care, and she thought there was something wrong with her for feeling that way.

21. Does your character have anyone that they really care about, to the point that they would give their life for them? If so, who are they and what is your character’s relation to them? If not, do they wish they did? Is there anyone they wish they could build such a relationship with?

Not at this point!

22. If they could change just one thing about themselves, what would it be?

I think she’d be a more selfless person, she’s working on that.

23. Is your character more physically or emotionally strong? Why is this?

I would have to say emotionally. She’s been through a lot and tries to keep it to herself, which isn’t a great way to cope, but she’s definitely tough not to crack under the pressure…yet.

24. What is your character’s most important possession? Why?

Hmm not entirely sure on this one.

25. Do they find that they care what others think of them? Or do they not really mind how others view them?

She definitely does.

26. What, in your character’s life, puts the most pressure on them?

Definitely her parents. They’ve achieved some big goals in their own lives and so Piper feels a pressure to live up to their expectations.

27.  What would be the worst way to die, in your character’s opinion?

Probably in a similar way to which Jason died.

28. What is your character’s greatest strength?

Her capacity for change, and her capacity for empathy. They’re both things that she’s working on, but Piper is quite intuitive when it comes to the feelings of others. In the past she just shrugged it off, but she’s actively making sure she reaches out to people and checks in on them, because she really could have used that herself.

29. What is their weapon of choice, and what weapon do they dislike using the most?

She doesn’t really like weapons all that much, and she isn’t a fan of guns.

30. What makes them feel safe or secure? What makes them feel insecure or unsafe?

I think her close friends and family make her feel safe. She and Merikh have a somewhat odd relationship, but she does feel safe around him, and Veronica, and she’s warming to Jughead as well.

Ask me angst questions

[msclaritea]

...quotes from cast/crew of  Sherlock

"We had some fun times when we were filming in Belgium. I was desperately trying to put on weight, so there was a lot of [eating] rubbish food and drinking alcohol without worrying about it. With Sherlock, it’s lots of seeds, juices, swimming and running, but on this I was doing lots of beer, wine, chips and the most f*cking amazing proper steaks and goulashes. I still didn’t put on enough, though. But for Star Trek, I went up about three suit sizes."

—Benedict Cumberbatch

"Little Martin? Can you imagine that? He wouldn’t be allowed anyway, he’s got to be the grumpy Hobbit. He’d be down on the ground looking all cool and mod-like with his shades, listening to some ska going, “Yeah that looked like fun, you tw*t.” Whereas I’m there jumping around like Tigger."

—Benedict Cumberbatch , on skydiving in New Zealand

"Yeah, sometimes you want to go, “I actually do mind having a photo taken because it’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m off my face.”

—Benedict Cumberbatch

‘Someone will always hate what I say. There’s always going to be somebody spitting blood about my wooden-faced, toffee-named, crappy acting.

—Benedict Cumberbatch

‘There were bean bags, but it wasn’t like, “Hey guys, let’s hang out and talk about sexuality” when I was five.’

—Benedict Cumberbatch , on his home life as a child

‘I remember watching Star Trek, but I wasn’t obsessive about it. There were other programmes I’d always tell my mum I wanted to watch. Mainly Knight Rider, The A-Team, occasionally Buck Rogers and, funnily enough for a child, Baywatch.  Good old Pammy!’

—Benedict Cumberbatch

‘I’m trying to look after my Sherlock jawline, otherwise I’d have loved the cake.'

—Benedict Cumberbatch,  on the apology cake he was offered by a Twitter stalker

'I struggle to learn by rote. I’ve had meltdowns on set. Which is embarrassing and shameful.’

—Benedict Cumberbatch

“I’m not very geeky. I’m quite homespun. I would say I’m more modern rustic than gadget-orientated. I like woollen things and log fires and whiskey…”

—Benedict Cumberbatch

I was on the Tube in London and this teenage girl eyed me up and said: “Alright, Mr Sex?”. It threw me. The daft thing was that she was quoting a line in the show but I’d forgotten it because it had been a while since filming,’ … ‘I just thought I was looking particularly hot that day. Well, it’s better than being called Mr F***wit…

-Andrew Scott

“Benedict has his own gravity, both as an actor and a human being. He pulls you in and you are powerless to escape. I never knew whether to cry out in fear or weep in his arms.”

-Damon Lindleof

“I know people are touched by it, because they write to me and send me pictures– often of me having sex with Benedict Cumberbatch…”

-Martin Freeman

"I can’t stop traffic on Fifth Avenue, not unless I walk in front of an oncoming cab."

-Benedict Cumberbatch

"Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny. It's new to me, and I'm sure I'll get used to it and find a way of dealing with it, but at the moment it is quite odd. I look in a mirror and I see all the faults I've lived with for 35 years, and yet people go kind of nuts for certain things about me. It's not me being humble. I just think it's weird. I dislike the size and shape of my head. I've been likened to Sid the sloth from Ice Age… I have a long face, retroussé nose and have been known to be quite camp… I know I don't fit into some archetype. I'm comfortable with it. People have a hindrance if they are extraordinarily beautiful. It can be a problem. You are not given the challenges and then, when you are, all eyes are on you to see if you can pull anything off other than being beautiful to look at."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

“If I were the [producer], I’d be frightened of the dynamic of male friendship that you’d lose,” he confesses to TVLine, “because that is obviously the bedrock of the books as well. [Now] there might be sexual tension between Joan [Watson] and Sherlock, which is [a different dynamic than you'd have] between the two men. So, that’s a new thing to explore.”

--Benedict Cumberbatch (on CBS' Elementary)

Mycroft’s popularity doesn’t surprise me at all. He is, after all, incredibly beautiful, clever and well-dressed. And beautiful. Did I mention that?

--Mark Gatiss

And yes, please vote for us in the YouTube thing. Cos if we lose we’ll be too upset to make any more. And I’ll axe Doctor Who as well. And shoot Santa Claus and some puppies.

--Steven Moffat

Sue: Sherlock to me feels like a Great Dane, you know, those dogs where the legs are too big.

Benedict: Yes! Yes. Except, more like a meercat, or a hybrid between a meercat and a Great Dane. A Great Dane on speed. A Great Dane that's just had a bowl of coffee.

Sue: What would John be?

Benedict: He's a big dog. He's sort of angular; there's something more predatory about him. A kind of creature of the night. Not the most sociable. Not a cat, but something very independent. Removed.

(On  Appropriate Sherlock and Watson Spirit Animals)

"Is John a hedgehog? I haven't seen the hedgehog. When did that happen? Is it due to Martin's hair? Because if it is, I'll be really happy about that. "

--Benedict Cumberbatch On the Otter and Hedgehog Internet Memes

"It cuts me up and I can’t control myself from making funny sounds as I dive into my hands and eat my fist."

--Benedict Cumberbatch, on War Horse

"Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles."

-Benedict Cumberbatch

"It’s always definitely a love story. I don’t see why that means that sex has to be involved. What a weirdly sexualized world we live in where you insist they much be having sex as well. Why would they? John isn’t wired that way, whatever Sherlock is. But I think that whole scene, when Irene Adler has to say she’s mostly gay, she has had relationships with men as well, it’s not what it’s about. Sherlock Holmes is indifferent to sex. So is Irene. She uses sex to get what she wants, and John Watson happily has a string of girlfriends. Sex is not really the issue among any of these people. Love is. Infatuation is. I think John Watson is infatuated with and fascinated by Sherlock Holmes. I think Sherlock Holmes absolutley relies completely and utterly on John Watson and is devoted to him."

--Steven Moffat

"He knows how to be charming, he knows how to play all the games we play in every social interaction, and yet he withdrawals from them. Purely, it’s an athlete thing. He’s reserving what he needs for when he needs it. That’s a huge difference between him and me. I kind of spend myself too easily I’m far more [makes a “putting it all out there” motion] “bleh,” and there it all is, heart and sleeve. But he’s incredibly controlled and that’s sort of what’s remarkable about him.

--Benedict Cumberbatch on Sherlock

"And I think, you know, the other thing I really enjoy is he is achievable. He is somebody that we could all be — not that we necessarily want to follow the personal traits, but these abilities. He doesn’t fly through space or have a sonic screwdriver, he’s somebody who has actually … Who has sonic screwdrivers?"

--Benedict Cumberbatch on Sherlock

"One minute he’s not quite so handsome. Then the next minute he’s gorgeous. What is that term? Jolie laide. It’s French for ugly-handsome."

— Una Stubbs on Benedict Cumberbatch’s looks

"I've gone up two suit sizes. The character I'm playing, he's strong, I can say that much. I've changed my physique a bit, so that requires eating like a foie gras goose, well beyond your appetite. Providing I don't feel too ill, I then work out two hours a day with a phenomenal trainer. It's the LA way."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

"There is weird fan fiction out there — weird. They write stories and do manga cartoons of what they think you get up to behind closed doors. Some of it’s funny. Some of it’s full-on sex. Get Martin to show you some. "

--Benedict Cumberbatch

“Benedict is a kind of magnificent, exotic animal as an actor. He doesn’t look like a normal person. He rarely plays normal people. He plays sort of exceptional people.”

- Steven Moffat

"Believe me: during my first years on stage and in front of the camera I often felt like nothing more than a moving piece of furniture. I still always gave the best of me."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

"And some idiot locked us out of our hotel room - who turned out to be Benedict."

--Steven Moffat, The Hounds of Baskerville commentary

"Everyone’s been asking us if we’re going any further with the relationship between John and Sherlock, and I’m thinking, well, why not? I really don’t see the problem with it, and Mark (Gatiss) has already asked us if it would be an issue if we were to kiss on screen. Of course he was joking, but I wouldn’t mind at all."

— Martin Freeman

“He found the part that he could make live uniquely, that he could inhabit, that could make him a leading man. He is never going to be a conventional leading man, he’s not going to be James Bond. But he is going to be the sexiest Sherlock Holmes there has ever been.”

--Steven Moffat on Benedict Cumberbatch, London Evening Standard Interview

Of course I’d like to live a few months a year in Hollywood, then I’d at least get a bit of sunshine. (laughs) But surrendering completely to the American way of life? No fucking way!

--Benedict Cumberbatch

“I try to get them to write ‘Sir Benedict’ on it. Occasionally they oblige.”

--Benedict Cumberbatch (about his polystyrene cup of coffee)

"A militant one. Dungarees, moustache, all men are rapists, you know the drill... Seriously, though, I'd like every man who doesn't call himself a feminist to explain to the women in his life why he doesn't believe in equality for women. I think Page 3, Nuts and Zoo are bullshit. I don't wax my pubic hair off. I don't think working in a titty bar getting fivers shoved up your bum is empowering. And I'm bored of pictures of women in their smalls on buses with fuck-me mouths."

--Louise Brealey (on what kind of feminist she is)

"We just were looking for someone with the most awesome name in history. That was the casting call. We asked for someone with the most awesome name in history, ever, and Benedict Cumberbatch showed up, so we were like, “You’re cast!”"

--J.J. Abrams (on casting BC in the new  Star  Trek movie)

"One day we were in the make-up trailer and someone was brushing out Benedict’s stunt double’s wig - and we decided to put Martin in it. We put Sherlock’s coat on him and stood him on top of one of the make-up chairs so he looked tall and took the photo from low down. And when Benedict came in we got the make-up assistant to ask him to autograph the photograph. She handed it over - and this is how Benedict’s mind works - and he went “I don’t remember wearing my coat with that colour scarf"

--Lara Pulver

"Martin said a few things but they were harmless. They were both supportive and by the end of it I wouldn't move on to the next line until Benedict had stared at my boobs!"

--Lara Pulver, on being naked in Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia

"But it doesn't matter how many times you say that [they're not gay], an entire forest of dirty fiction has arisen as a result. And long may it continue, I don't know what it's about. . ."

--Mark Gatiss

"I'm very aware of it, God, I'm aware of it because people come and talk about it every time we do any kind of event but I suppose the history of it is going way back. I think it started with Kirk and Spock. Anything like that has a kind of slash element and it's an interesting thing because you've brought up the idea of heterosexual men get off on the notion of lesbians but the flip side is just as powerful, particularly I think for girls of a certain age. The idea of two sexy men getting it on is a really powerful aphrodisiac."

--Mark Gatiss

"I was the boy that turned a girlfriend into the most celebrated lesbian on television. I got so much stick for that. "

--Benedict Cumberbatch on his role in "Tipping the Velvet"

As an actor, you can do weight loss, weight gain, put on silly noses, crazy accents, move like a dragon, inviting people to look at the fireworks and admire how different you’re being. But with acting like that, it’s all about look-at-me, when what you should be doing is helping the audience care about the person they’re watching.

— Benedict Cumberbatch - Radio Times Interview 2011

"He is alarming, strange, possibly psychopathic, but perfectly happy. He clearly adores John, he's not got some deep emotional problems with connecting to people, he just can't be arsed. He'd rather be out solving crimes."

--Steven Moffat on Sherlock, Total Film Dec. 2011

"John is a little bit more in control. There’s an understanding and a balance there, now that they’ve been at it for about nine months. Sherlock is kept in check by him, and he funcitons better with him."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

"I guess like any friendship, marriage, or whatever it is familiarity breeds more contempt, and more love. They’re just more settled with each other now."

--Martin Freeman

“I remember very clearly someone saying, ‘Don’t shake hands with the cactus,’ and I thought, ‘Well, why not? What could possibly go wrong?’ Shaking hands is a friendly gesture.” --Benedict Cumberbatch, on his schoolboy days

“This is amazing, thank you. It makes up for a blog I accidentally read last night that described me as “horse-faced, arse-named, wooden and untalented.” I can dispute the last two because you have honoured me with this [Actor of The Year Award], but the first two? Yeah: I am horse-faced and arse-named, but there you go - it’s what I was born with.”

--Benedict Cumberbatch

The story of Sherlock Holmes, on the surface, is about deduction, but in reality, it's about the best of two men who save each other--a lost, washed-up war hero and a man who could end up committing murders instead of solving them. They come together. They become this perfect unit. They become the best friendship ever, and they become heroes.

--Steven Moffat

“I’m aware of the power of looks. I’ve wanted to play roles that have gone to much better-looking people and you just think ‘Oh well, that’s the pin up guy’s… an actor like my friend James Mcavoy, who’s gorgeous on screen. I’m not that. But at least I don’t have to worry about taking precious care of my face because it’s my commodity. That’s a great freedom. I’m not afraid of being heinous for the sake of a part”

-- Benedict Cumberbatch

"I’m always keen to use my body in my work, so I’m looking forward to the motion capture for Smaug. Both Gollum and King Kong were primates, whereas I’m playing a serpent, so it’ll be interesting - I’ll have to tie my legs together, possibly, or else they’ll be kind of splayed out to the side as a reptile’s should be." --Benedict Cumberbatch, on playing Smaug in The Hobbit

'Seriously, WHAT kind of a man meets John Watson - sober, clean-living, ex-military - and instantly thinks of Sherlock Holmes - insane young genius who likes to beat corpses - and says, "Oh, I know just who you must meet.."? This guy's dinner parties must be legendary!'

--Jude Law, on Mike Stamford

"Benedict is bumbly, sweet, affable; the nicest man you've met."

--Mark Gatiss

I am very flattered. I have also become a verb as in I have cumberbatched the UK audience apparently. Who knows, by the end of the year I might become a swear word too! It’s crazy and fun and very flattering.

--Benedict Cumberbatch

At that minute Martin walked in and I just had a thunderbolt. It dawned on me: "Oh, God it’s him!" We flirted with each other all day and when I went home he texted me, saying "You left and I wasn’t done flirting with you. That’s a bit rude", which I thought was really smooth.

--Amanda Abbington on how she met Martin Freeman

He’s extraordinary. During auditions, the minute he stepped into the room I said to the producers, I don’t know if you want my opinion, but I want to work with him, because he makes my game better. I honestly felt myself get better as an actor playing scenes opposite him — he has brilliant level of humanity. We all know how funny he can be from his work of “The Office,” but he can also play so much pathos — it’s an unsung talent of his that’s often clouded by his “Office” fame.

--Benedict Cumberbatch on Martin Freeman

"Only one death threat, two demands for my immediate resignation, and two for my suicide. IT'S A HIT!!"

--Steven Moffatt on the mid series finale of Doctor Who series 6"He is a little bit old fashioned so you’ve got some of the old ideas of him coming from another era but he’s also a modern young man and, you know, to be honest he’s a brilliant actor, very good looking, dashing and he’s what Sherlock Holmes ought to be."

"It is a double act, and he’s my wingman and he’s just phenomenal, and he’s a joy to work with. In no small way, he keeps me afloat and happy during the day as well. And he’s just a brilliant presence to be around. He’s just a scream. And we adore each other. In a very *platonic*, non… you know, way."—Benedict Cumberbatch on Martin Freeman at the 2011 BAFTAs

"Obviously it’s Sherlock’s show but there’s far more parity than I think there often is in that relationship. I know [creators] Steven [Moffat] and Mark [Gatiss] primarily wanted the show to be about that relationship as much if not more than anything else.  [It’s about the relationship] and how it develops and how it changes and the things that wind each other up, the things that they genuinely sort of love about each other as well. It’s the gayest story in the history of television… People certainly run with that which I’m quite happy with! But we all saw it as a love story. Not just a love story, but those two people who do love each other - a slightly dysfunctional relationship sometimes, but a relationship that works. They get results."

---Martin Freeman

“I ate healthily, but there was no snacking, no drinking, no bread, no sugar, no smoking. Afterwards I had a pork belly roast.”

--Benedict Cumberbatch, on fillming Third Star

“I made the mistake of calling in Benedict to solve a crime. He was absolutely hopeless!”

--Mark Gatiss

"Hitler. I’d tell him his paintings were great and to stay off the politics and get laid. Alive… The mother of my children and I’d ask them to take a deep breath and if they fancied a drink."

--Benedict Cumberbatch, when asked "If you could meet anyone in the world dead or alive who would it be and what would you say to them?"

"Finally on my way to see my little brother in 'Fronkensteen' at the National. He was always a grower not a show-er."

--Mark Gatiss on Twitter

“Don’t you think my life is confusing enough? And listen, if John Simm could hear you, you would not live another hour. He came up to me after the press [junket] for the End of Time where he’d been saying ‘I think now that David has left as The Doctor, I would have to leave as The Master’ but then he pulled me aside and said ‘I didn’t mean that! And look at me, I’m fit! I’m OK!’ So Benedict has to wait in line probably. But how confusing would it be? All four cheekbones at once! I tell you, I stood between [Matt Smith and Benedict] in a photograph once. It’s a really good way to look extra ugly.”

--Steven Moffat

“I always seem to be cast as slightly wan, ethereal, troubled intellectuals or physically ambivalent bad lovers. But I’m here to tell you I’m quite the opposite in real life. In fact I’m a fucking fantastic lover.”

---Benedict Cumberbatch

“My new agent said, ‘Why aren’t you using your family name? It’s a real attention-grabber.’ I worried, ‘How much is it going to cost to put my name in lights?’ But then I decided that’s not my problem.”

--Benedict Cumberbatch

"I hate this distinction of me being some f***ing academic who has just managed to escape the allure of some postgraduate course, and Miller as this mad f***ing wild child with dyed hair from Trainspotting. We have different working methods but ever so slightly – we block on the same lines. We’ve got the same sense of humour and think much the same about what’s good and bad."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

"It's tough, our bodies are all in pain. It’s fascinating, sort of crippling ourselves doing this. I’ve spent time in X-ray today; I’ve got my hips coming out of joint, my wrist are developing into ankles, 'cause of work I do at the beginning. We’ve had all sorts of injuries, back problems and neck problems. It’s a hard show to do, but it’s also been wonderful. Thank God I like Johnny Lee Miller."--Benedict Cumberbatch

"I imagine Holmes probably got pneumonia on a couple of occasions in Victorian London. I got flu and kept braving through it while green stuff was coming out of me. I was told, ‘You’ve got man flu, have a couple of paracetamol’, but when I soaked the bed sheets with sweat three nights running in the middle of winter, I knew there was something really wrong with me. It’s not nice having liquid on your lung and it takes a long time to recover - the irritating thing is that I was so disciplined and living a very healthy existence… I’d swim a lot, do yoga and eat healthily. I was really annoyed with myself for getting flu in the first place and I did myself a bit of damage by not acknowledging that I needed a rest."

--Benedict Cumberbatch

“I always think of the Doctor, bizarrely, as the more human one. Because he’s sort of like, in my mind, an angel who aspires to be human. Whereas Sherlock Holmes is a human being who aspires to be a god.”

--Steven Moffat

“Sherlock and Watson are a love story”

-Martin Freeman

”Sherlock and Watson meet at the right point in their lives, when they need each other the most. It’s a love story. Sherlock is upset because nobody can see the world the way he does. Watson misses the adrenalin and the constant life or death situations,”

--Martin Freeman

"I had a superb audition with Martin, and I immediately knew that he was my primary choice. He was definitely the person that I immediately sparked off and raised my game for. He’s an adorable man and blissfully, ridiculously funny and entertaining. He’s a great support and companion in real life as well. We have tremendous fun doing the show."

--Benedict Cumberbatch when asked how it was to work with Martin Freeman as Watson

Steven Moffat: Oddly enough, the thing [our kids] really enjoyed were the deductions. They were very, very hard to write.

Mark Gatiss: That’s why Conan Doyle stopped bothering.

SM: Or they become rubbish. ‘How did you know I was on the train?’ ‘I saw your train ticket!’

MG: ‘I was sitting next to you on the train!’

"Benedict (Cumberbatch, who is playing Sherlock) looks amazing. He's still got a Sherlockian silhouette, with a large overcoat, but in a classic cut. Watson dresses with an urban elegance, a touch of old school dashing, giving a feeling of both the military and medical profession. I suppose it's something they have in common as well. They're a bit metrosexual."

--Martin Freeman

Sherlock in Real Life (we can't blame it all on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

.@youngqueenwerewolf  you are right. I would say, first off, bless Martin Freeman and his little Johnlock heart. I had never seen a lot of these quotes. So, he pretty much put it out there, that he wouldn't mind kissing Ben. Ben just casually letting people know that if they want to see naked pictures of the two of them, just ask Martin. And Gatiss...I don't know what to say or think of that man, except he certainly is incredibly condescending about females. I don't get a queer man behaving so disgusted over the thought of a queer Holmes.

[wakan-nai]

Haikyuu!! For the fandom ask meme?

- The character I least understand.

Sawamura Daichi. :/ To be honest, this might be because of the fandom. I love him. If, in real life, I were to meet him, I would absolutely swoon because he is such a nice person! However, I don’t understand him at all. He’s 17/18, and he’s extremely mature. I’m living that age right now and all I’m doing is trying to hypnotize dragonflies. Do some irresponsible Bantha dung, Daichi. I want to see him showering people in catnip, but the fandom really, really likes mature Daichi, so... :/

- Interactions I enjoyed the most.

Ahoohoo you know which one. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I guess I really, really liked the dynamics between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi because their commentary is savage.

- The character that scares me the most.

Terushima. A lot of you are his fans because he truly is sexually attractive, but I actually hate him the most in the Haikyuu!! fandom. Hoo boy. He harasses Kiyoko into giving his phone number, even though she was clearly uncomfortable with it. As a girl myself, if I were in her position, I’d actually probably cry. 

- The character who is mostly like me.

Tsukishima Kei. “Why bother trying if you won’t be able to be the best?” and blah blah blah. This definitely struck a chord within me, and I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of people around his age that think of the same thing, especially those who are depressed, I guess. I honestly hate how much I have in common with Tsukishima, to be honest. Boundaries. No touching. Loves music. Can fall asleep anywhere. Is seen staring out of the window sometimes. Has a very loud friend. If I hate you I blatantly make it clear, if I like you I won’t say it often enough, but make sure you know through actions. Looks emotionless but really isn’t. Yeah, the list goes on and on.

- Hottest looks character.

Suga. Honestly, in the manga Suga looks so, so good-looking. For the women, definitely Kiyoko. I bet Furudate makes sure that in every panel she’s in, she looks good, and pays a lot of attention to her (eg. hair, eyes, et cetera). 

- One thing I dislike about my favourite character.

Yamaguchi is my absolute favourite, but do you know how hard it is to write his character? We don’t know too much about him, and he doesn’t show up a lot in the manga unlike the other characters. So, the most prominent moment for me was Yamaguchi screaming “Tsukki!” Whenever I write Yamaguchi, he always ends up yelling. I can’t even use ‘said’ for Yamaguchi: the first thing that comes to mind is that he shouts. A lot.

- One thing I like about my hated character.

My hated character is Terushima, but I like how careless and playful he is.

- A quote or scene that haunts me.

“What about you, Yamaguchi? What would you say to Tsukishima now?”

It was something like that, anyway. It was when Yamaguchi asked Hinata “Hey, what would you say to Tsukki now, the way he is now?” And Hinata proceeded to tell him he wouldn’t know, because Tsukishima didn’t even look like he enjoyed volleyball. Yamaguchi told him “No, I don’t think Tsukki hates volleyball.” And then Hinata asked, ‘Hey, what would you do, Yamaguchi?’

Hinata is scary. Holy crow, is he scary. He is mainly responsible for getting Asahi back on the team. He encouraged Yachi with her ‘Townperson B’ concept. But he couldn’t understand a thing about Tsukishima’s attitude towards volleyball. So, all he says is, “What about you, Yamaguchi?”

Which Yamaguchi had never considered. He, someone who had been Tsukishima’s best friend for what, around seven years? I think this is because of his bullies tbh. Hinata just asked, out of curiosity, “Hey, how about you, Yamaguchi? What would you say?”

No forethought. No deep meanings. No hidden tones. Just, “What would you say?”

And that brought in a whole storm.

Long story short, I think it’s amazing how innocuous comments could rattle someone’s viewpoint so much. 

- A death that left me indifferent.

The death of Tsukishima’s pinky left me indifferent, tbh. I didn’t care, because I knew Tsukishima would come back. That’s how plot works.

- A character I wish died but didn’t.

Terushima. Maybe not die, but I wished their manager had actually slapped him.

- My ship that never sailed.

Haikyuu!! isn’t done yet, but honestly the only ship I care about in Haikyuu!! is Tsukkiyama. There’s still hope. :3

Thank you for your ask, @penguin-cafe! :D

[bayareabastard-blog]

I feel broken. I feel beaten, and run down, and dirty, and tired, and wrecked. I feel abused, I feel bullied, I feel hurt and misunderstood and angry. 

Its shocking to me, to see how little she knew about me after three years of cyclical motions. That she could believe that I had the capacity to ask her something that I knew would hurt her just to make her talk to me again. That she could believe that I didn’t have the capacity to accept that she didn’t want to be friends for her own good. That she could tell me that I was poisonous, that I wasn’t a good friend, that I should fuck off? 

Dear her, 

I didn’t ask you about the night that fucked you up for a long time so that I could fuck you up again, and I didn’t ask you about it so that I could talk to you again. I told you that, even, I told you that I wouldn’t reach out after that, even if you didn’t respond, and that I would understand if it was too hard to talk about. I was just trying to understand. I was trying to understand why your relationship with him was so bad that you could end things with a girl who treated you as well as they possibly, humanly were capable of (because I did, I made so many decisions revolving around you and your emotions and your capacity to feel good). I wanted to understand because you never actually told me what happened that night. I should have asked earlier, but I was still asking, even if it was late. You gave me a word, but not a definition, and I think maybe you forget that. I wanted to understand because the only things I knew from both of you were that there were conversations of consent, and that somewhere along the line it wasn’t, and I wanted (and felt like I needed, because I was feeling so sick and anxious that I felt like I was going to vomit under a tree where I left you a love note once) to know how and why it ended up that way, because you accused me of something and I needed to understand the definition before I accepted the label, and because I needed to know why you were so hurt. That’s what you should have expected, from knowing me for three years. You were best friends with the living, breathing embodiment of empathy; with a girl who is terrified of hurting other people, and is perpetually thinking about what other people want even at her own expense (me). Even if I didn’t make it clear to you in my message that I was ok with you not wanting to be friends, even if you were hurt, that is what you should have expected.

I had accepted that we weren’t going to be friends again. I couldn’t be friends again even if you wanted to. There’s a line that a person can cross with another person, between quarrels with friends and something along the lines of emotional abuse, and I think you crossed it for me. I don’t hate you, and I can’t even say I dislike you, despite all of the hateful, terrible things you said to me. I empathize with you, because it must be really hard to fester in so much hatred, and to lose valuable friends and lovers to that. But I had come to terms with the fact that we could never work out. Even if I broke up with him, its not a real friendship if it comes with a prenup and fine print. I sacrificed so much so that we could be friends, and I was so good to you, even though I get scared sometimes that I wasn’t, because I never feel like I am. I always put your feelings first, and I always asked questions to make sure you were comfortable, and I always listened when you spoke, and offered advice when you wanted it, and stuck with you despite three years chock full of drama and tears. Some part of me wonders if you got me to make all those sacrifices so that I felt like you couldn’t possibly want to leave me, and then stopped only after I was entirely emotionally invested. Because it worked. I was so surprised, that the day after you were sending me pictures in your bra and asking me for outfit advice and talking about boys, you were telling me that we couldn’t exist anymore, and being angry, and blaming me for everything that was wrong with us that I didn’t even know you felt was wrong. I wasn’t shocked, because you do this to everyone, but I was surprised by the cruelty and the suddenness and how bad it hurt. 

The last message you sent me threw me into one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had. It was the first time I’ve ever hyperventilated during one. I couldn’t breath, and then my fingers and the spaces between my teeth started tingling the way my foot does when it loses blood and falls asleep, because I was actually losing oxygen. You were pulling it out of me with your words, and yet still I can’t hate you. Admittedly, I don’t want to. I don’t like hating people. My goal is to be indifferent towards you, eventually. I thought I was going to faint, but I didn’t. My mom watched me, and she talked me through the attack, and then she sat with me and told me that I shouldn’t hate you, and that I’m a good person, despite what you said. And its hard for me to believe, and its 2 in the morning for the second night in a row and I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I should feel guilty, but she’s right. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I couldn’t have done anything right. This was always going to happen, and although this was more cruel than I would’ve thought, it did happen. My mom sat with me while I blocked you on all of my social media platforms, despite you having already blocked me. I’m considering deleting them for awhile. Whenever I get on, my stomach bubbles awfully and I am tempted to look up your name. Then I sat with somebody who loved me past what was unsatisfactory, and I deleted all of our photos twice, because you have to press delete a second time in case you aren’t sure. I wasn’t sure. I pressed the second delete button anyway. Then I sat with myself and I unfollowed your playlists (music was always our way to connect when we weren’t any other way, and this was probably the hardest one; I’ve already had to avoid searching your name to see if you have a new playlist). I unfollowed you. And I deleted the playlist that I was making called “dedicated to my pretty girl, always”. It was private. I was going to give it to you as a gift. 

I’m not going to stop writing about you yet. I still need to talk to Jaime. I need to show him the messages so that I can go through them with him, and process them, and then, eventually, heal. Its hard for me, with this intense fear I have of being a bad person, to know that you’ll be spending therapy sessions with the same therapist trash talking me. I’m scared of that. I hope that it makes you feel better, even if the less empathetic parts of me want you to feel worse. Writing is like talking, and I can’t really talk to anyone about you without crying. I hate crying in front of people. I think I told you that. I’m pretty sure that my upcoming therapy session is going to be the first time that I actually sob in front of Jaime, because I don’t believe that I can keep my composure when reading that text. My dad left me a month after I got out of the mental hospital for cutting myself deep enough to be dangerous, and even then, I wasn’t crying as hard as I did in front of my mother. I cared about you that much, and yet, you didn’t care enough to notice that I tried. 

I do apologize. I apologize for him. I apologize for A. I know I didn’t fight them, especially not in front of you where you could see it, and feel validated and defended and important. But I want you to know that I never let it go. I talked to him about it. I wouldn’t let him touch me for awhile. I made him explain that night, too, you know? I texted him right before I texted you. Maybe that helps you to understand my motives. I didn’t believe him the first time, and I made him work for my trust. That is how I validated you. I didn’t ignore it like you think I did. I lived with it. I spent my days trying to find a way to understand it without having to ask you, because I didn’t want to hurt you by asking. That was a mistake, to not make you feel validated, and so I apologize. I spoke to A too. I told her that I didn’t want to be with her, and that I was with you, and that that was where I wanted to be. I think you said once that she wasn’t nice to you. I’m sorry for not defending you then. I thought it was enough to explain to her that I was with you, and that it wasn’t a big deal because she knew that and so what could she really do? But that was wrong too, and I think that that hurt you more than I ever realized, so I apologize for that too. I apologize for all of it. I was always trying, and I was always confronting the issues that you asked me to confront, but I didn’t let you see it. So I apologize. 

One day I hope you realize what you missed. I hope you realize who you hurt. I hope that you recognize that I’m a good person, and that the things that you said to me weren’t fair, and that they were cruel and hateful. Most importantly I just hope you realize that I was a good friend, because that’s what I tried more than anything to be. A good friend, despite my feelings, despite the drama, despite the past. I hope that you have good friends, even if you talk smack about me to them. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you and the people you love are safe, and that good things happen to all of you. I hope that one day you’ll regret what you did, but not enough to be miserable, just enough to feel slightly melancholy. 

Right now my well wishes don’t seem 100% real, because its only been a day, and I’m still beyond hurt, and I’m still angry, and I still feel beaten, broken, weathered, bullied, tired, and abused. I can’t wait for the days when I finally get over you, but I won’t stop writing, because those days are in the future and I’m awake at 2:30 in the morning with your emotions sitting on my lungs and I need to sleep.

So here’s to hate, and guilt, and self-loathing, but also to a chance to grow up strong and healthy.