#and she is so unbalanced by how much she begins to genuinely like and care for her companions

[feygloom]

big thoughts on how much the entire tadpole / absolute / “oh btw you have to save the world” situation influenced aeris. how she was soo one track minded for years, utterly consumed by the desperation of finding her brother, and ironically, being captured forces her to slow down. to open her eyes when she looks at the world around her. it forces her to become more in tune with herself and just…be.

[krikeymate]

In your recent post about Amber grooming Tara… how does Sam not notice or do anything about it? Isn’t she older in that AU and would therefore be even more careful and protective of Tara, as she’s in her care? Like, she’s not there in canon so she can’t do anything to stop or prevent it. But if she’s around I don’t really see a way for Amber to get close to Tara once Sam starts having bad feelings about their “relationship”. What do you think?

Easy to say, not so easy in reality.

Hicks and Sam are close, and she's close with Wes and the twins. Sam's 5 years older than them, but they're basically her best friends and her family, and therefore Tara's family too. She trusts them to look after her sister. Amber and Liv she doesn't know as well, but they trust them and like them, so Sam learns to get along with them too, and Tara is as friendly with them as everyone else.

She doesn't feel weird about Tara clinging to Wes or the twins, she doesn't feel weird about her whispering in their ear or having secrets. So why should she feel any weird when Tara does the same to Amber or Liv, just because Sam's not as close to them? Sam's dislike of Amber is due to personality conflict - but Amber's abrasive personality isn't targeted towards Tara, she's actually nice to Tara, so Sam doesn't see a problem with letting her be around her like she does with everybody else. Not only that, but it would be very apparent if everybody could hang with Tara except one.

Up until Tara was 13 (&¾), it was genuinely just a 'normal' friendship, albeit an unbalanced one. Amber likes that Tara hung onto her every word, she liked the 'hero worship' that having a younger friend gave her. She knew that Tara had a crush on her and would tease her about it, but she never thought about her that way until Richie pointed out how much power she had over her and how she could use that to mess with Sam. Part of Tara's problems with Sam were genuinely just her being a teenager and acting out, but they were also encouraged by Amber, because Amber thought it would be funny, but also because she wasn't wrong.

They would fight about things like Tara going round to someone else's house to do homework, staying late after school, she wanted to go out to the shops by herself, she wanted to keep playing soccer. All things that normal people her age were able to do, but Sam was hesitant if not downright objecting to them. Sam's been looking after Tara her whole life, and has literally been her legal guardian since she was 7. She's having a hard time dealing with the fact Tara is growing up, and Tara's beginning to push against those boundaries. One big argument they have is Sam catches Tara kissing a boy. It was a perfectly innocent peck and the boy is blushing more than she is, but Sam doesn't take it well. It causes friction.

That's not all on Amber, and Sam accusing Tara's difficulty on Amber only makes the arguing worse. Sam accuses Amber because she's a convenient scapegoat, she's close with Tara in a way Sam thinks should belong solely to her, and she already doesn't like her. So by the time Amber does start to act differently with Tara, it's so much harder to notice because Tara's already made her friendship with Amber more secretive and hidden from Sam - not that Amber would have been stupid enough to be intimate with Tara in front of her or others. And like, she's nearly 14, she has a phone and email and access to the internet, they communicate a lot that way. There was so much more to their relationship than Sam or the others got to see.

Also you just... never expect that from a person? Like, what sort of fucked up person would do that, ya know. Just cause you don't like a person doesn't mean you assume the very worst of them. As far as Sam's concerned, Amber just doesn't like her and is putting bad ideas in Tara's head to irritate Sam, and that's not wrong.

[ladyofthenoodle]

Ramble anon again - I am so so sorry it accepted the whole post all at once - I honestly thought it was going to reject it and give me a character limit to split it into 😭

But yes! Thank you for responding!!

You’re right in that Ladybug has attempted to check in on Chat Noir only for him to deflect and say everything is fine - he even does this way back in Lies when Ladybug yells at him for sacrificing himself again; instead of responding seriously and answering her concern, he deflects with a flirty line, though both of them obviously seem exhausted by the exchange. Neither is able to successfully reach out to the other because neither is accepting the hand reaching out to them. They’re partners but neither knows how to handle the dynamic change that has unbalanced them, which is completely understandable since neither of them really wanted it to change in the first place. But yeah, they have to start learning how to handle the communication between them honestly instead of trying so hard to protect each other that they shut each other out.

I love the word genuine, especially in the context of Adrien’s character - him learning that the moments he is genuine is when he’s being the himself he’s come to wonder about this season is a wonderful concept for his development and I am super looking forward to it! Also sorry if I end up talking more about Chat Noir/Adrien and tend to focus more on his point of view - he’s the character I connect to the most, so he’s the one I tend to end up defaulting to think about. ;-;

Shaking the soda can is a good analogy! Marinette has definitely lost her temper and made her feelings clear more than once, and it brought about change - Adrien just needs to learn that allowing himself to do the same thing won’t end up with negative consequences the way it does with his father. He’s seeing a lot of parallels between Ladybug and his father, and he’s lived so long under his father’s thumb that he’s still learning not everyone with a position of power over him will react the same way - he needs proof that Ladybug won’t react by taking things he holds dear away from him, but he’s too afraid of the possibility of it happening to let her get that chance to prove it. Instead he’s expecting that being Chat Noir won’t be permanent, that she’ll start phasing him out, and from his perspective it probably seems like she’s started phasing him out already - being part of the duo is important to him, and he’s already feeling like that’s being lost to him - whether he sees that as purposeful on Ladybug’s end for him messing up and failing to show up and this is his punishment... - it’s not, it’s just a series of fear motivated misunderstandings, but I wonder if he doesn’t think that it’s only a matter of time until she’s fed up with him completely - like with the trash can scene at the beginning of Glaciator 2 and his fear that Ladybug hated him because of the action, and fears that her keeping him out of the loop is proof of that. Ladybug is not his father; she cares about him and wants him to be her partner and nothing she is doing is being done with the intention to hurt him or keep him under her thumb; she doesn’t want to lose him, but hearing that and believing that enough to challenge his current spiraling world view are two different things... It’s going to be very, very messy ;-; but once that soda can explodes and Ladybug is allowed to prove that she wants him to stay and they get past the mess, they’ll better know how not to shake the can too much in the first place and to clean up the mess together, hopefully. That will be an incredibly important development for when they do finally get to take down Hawkmoth and all the shocking secrets that doing so will reveal - if Chat Noir has Ladybug as a solid and healthy pillar of support and has started building his own network for support within the heroes and his civilian friends, he’ll be harder for Gabriel to try and manipulate when taken by surprise. Adrien letting the soda can burst will be exactly what they need to better avoid another Chat Blanc or Ephemeral, which will hopefully take some stress off of Ladybug’s shoulders both leading up to and during the inevitable showdown.

I am excited to see where they both go next in the narrative; I will likely cry for a good portion of it, but I am very much still excited!

Dangit I ended up rambling a lot again, I’m sorry ;-;

no worries on the length, that was a reasonable assumption on your part 😂 i’ve gotten far shorter asks that tumblr split into multiple asks so clearly you’ve unlocked some sort of tumblr bonus, congrats 😜

and yes you’re so right that they both have trouble accepting help, even if it’s for very different reasons—ladybug’s scared to rely too much on others because she’s been told she needs to do it all on her own, while chat noir worries he’ll become too much of a burden. and 100% that both of them need a chance to prove that the other’s assumptions are wrong. they’re both taking baby steps towards challenging their own assumptions, marinette with relying more on alya and adrien with opening up to marinette in glaciator 2 as chat noir, but they’re both still too scared to do it with each other just yet and unfortunately they’re reaching their limit on how long they can avoid it

dont apologize for rambling about adrien either, because again i totally agree with you on his experience here. usually i relate to marinette more but i’ve definitely struggled with not wanting to express my feelings for fear that it’ll be too much and drive people away… and also deflect with clownery so fhdkjfjfh i get why he’s reacting this way but also know from experience that he is not doing himself any favors here 😭 adrien baby you don’t need to prove anything to ladybug, please let her prove to you that you’re important to her—but you have to ask her because she thinks you already know

[spk234]

An honest ranking of The Quarry characters after my first play though:

Jacob: 4/10 (already making enemies with this one)

Honestly Jacob I was really just not a fan of, even outside of the whole “intentionally stranding the group” thing. I did like him in the first few chapters when everyone else (cough cough Nick and Dylan) were just being exceedingly mean to him for like, no reason, and yeah Emma was also absolutely giving mixed signals. But also at the same time, you do not have to be smart to learn when something isn’t going anywhere and to just cut your losses. Emma literally ACTIVATELY made you jealous dude, just wrap it up and move on. Also after Chapter 6 he really just doesn’t do…anything. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t infect him or get the scene about the truth with him and Emma, but like I forgot he was even there when it came back to him in Chapter 10 (not really a critique of his character tho that’s more so to the balancing of the game) Anyway yeah lackluster to me but I can see why people like him I guess.

Nick: 2/10

Wow I did not care about you. Nick is a prime example of The Quarry’s issues with balancing its cast. Nick is literally meant to be a main character yet you spend less than like, half the game with him even around, much less playable. Even when he is around though he has almost no personality, more so bouncing off other character’s actions without much drive of his own. Also, I’m gonna say it: the romance with him and Abi was just NOT it. It starts off okay, in fact their scene together gathering firewood is probably his best one. But then when he gets infected and just becomes so…unreasonably sexual towards her?? Like yeah, the infection makes people act weird and aggressive towards people, but there wasn’t a single instance where it was like him, it was just so unnecessary. And speaking of his infection, THAT’S what killed his character the most. It just took him out of the game way before he has a chance to really establish himself as a character, and it just wasn’t that necessary considering we already had two guaranteed infections to happen.

Emma: 7/10

Oh boy this character sure is divided. I’m gonna take a stand and say that I actually like Emma. No I don’t like how she kissed Nick when Abi liked her, and I feel like she could’ve been a bit better at cutting things off completely with Jacob. But also at the same time, she really knew how to get through encounters with the werewolves which was pretty cool to watch, and I thought her overall attempts to be positive even towards the climax of the game were interesting, given how the rest of the cast was around that time. Plus it’s impressive how they made her be the YouTubed/vlogger WITHOUT it being annoying, that’s a real feat in itself. So yeah, kind of doing too much but also a girlboss at times, Idk what else to say. Actually I do, the scene where she tazes the werewolf then takes a picture was iconic, she gets a whole ass point for that alone.

Abigail: 8/10

Abi’s probably the first character here so far I genuinely like. She’s probably the least issue ridden of the cast, not doing anything stupid or annoying or unnecessarily cruel. She really just minded her business drawing and getting away from the dangers around her. That said her biggest problem is that she has really unbalanced game time, with a lot of scenes near the beginning and not doing very much in the later chapters. I think maybe one or two more sections where she’s playable in the second half of the game would’ve helped her character out a bit more. All in all a great character who just needed a bit more screen time to really shine.

Dylan: 6/10

Oh this is gonna be real controversial but I did NOT like Dylan at first. I get that his whole thing was that he was faking this confident showboating personality but that does not make it any less annoying. Like there was no reason to be tormenting Jacob like that in the beginning, just help him with the bags??? But that part of it at least waned out as the game went on and I can say that in the latter half of the game he had some genuinely funny moments. Him with the frying pan at the end and when he’s in the basement like “OMG Ryan it’s literally nothing” were probably the funniest parts of the game for me. But he’s also like, one of the biggest perpetrators of the stupid ass “is that a bear” bit going on throughout the game that just went on for WAY too long so I’ve got a problem there /hj. All in all an okay character to me at best, sorry.

Laura: 8/10

Okay after looking at other people’s takes on Laura, I definitely agree that she just took over the end of the game. It really just felt like they forgot the other characters other than Ryan and just shoved her back in. If they wanted to bring her back they could’ve done a way better job at balancing out the final chapters, maybe have another counselor come with her and Ryan to the Hackett home. That being said, I still think she was a girlboss. I really enjoyed her personality and how out of all the characters she had to fight the most for both her own and Max’s survival. Playing through as her and just blasting through the Hackett’s at the end was really satisfying and fun, even if another character probably should have filled the role instead. And this is probably a hot take, but I think her and Max have the strongest relationship in the game. I know it’s a little unfair since it’s the only established relationship in the playable characters, but even then without it having much screen time I still believe they have interest in each other more than most the rest of the cast. Overall, flawed in a technical and story formatting sense but I still love her.

Max: 8/10

Listen I know he didn’t have much screen time but I really loved Max. Even if he’s only in a few chapters overall he was honestly one of the most consistently funny characters to me. I can’t think of a single moment in the game where I felt like he was being dumb or annoying, it was genuinely good dialogue and sweet moments with Laura. I can’t wait to get the ending where they reunite on the island, it’s so funny when he ends up having to where Laura’s clothes and is just “you gotta be kidding me”. His biggest problem again is that he just has like, no screen time, only playable in one chapter briefly. But even with that he leaves more of an impression on me then some characters in multiple chapters. If he has just a couple more playable times he’d easily be a perfect score to me, but as is he’s still great and I’m glad we got to see him past the prologue.

Ryan: 10/10

Absolute the best of the guy characters. He’s like the only one in Chapter 1 that I didn’t find myself immediately annoying with, and he continued that streak throughout the game. Ryan is a perfect example of a horror character that thinks in an emotional way that completely makes sense. Even if they don’t explain it well, you completely understand why he doesn’t want Laura to kill Chris, and I wish it was more gut wrenching for him if you choose to actually make him do it. But he’s also a very logical character, able to react to situations in a way that I couldn’t foresee most of the other characters doing. The chase with Bobby is so intense and he’s an absolute badass for being able to do it with the knife still stuck in him. The fact that he can only live if Chris dies does suck a bit, but I can’t think of anything about him I particularly hate. He’s even pretty funny when he has joke moments. Honestly the closest to a perfect character in this game.

Kaitlyn: 9/10

Absolutely deserving of the Final Girl title. Kaitlyn is one of the best characters of survivability from the get go, able to lead and protect the others around her even when you’re not in control of her. She just always seems to know what to do in a situation, even ones outside of survival. But I also appreciate that they didn’t go boring with it and have her just unexplainably strong and did need help from the others every now and again; it makes her incredibly well rounded and shows that her ability to lead is able to rub off on others. The only problem is that for a character meant to be the Final Girl, she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time. It’s not as bad as other characters, but she really needed more times where you controlled her all throughout the game; you should at least start at her in the beginning since she’s meant to be like “the last one standing” in some scenarios. But that’s not a complaint to her character, she’s still a badass who’s able to pull off amazing things assuming you know how to play.

BONUS

Travis: 3/10

Okay I know he’s not a playable character but I’ve been controversial enough and I just need to talk about him; I did NOT like Travis. Like I get that he’s probably the best out of his family (which for me isn’t saying much cause I really didn’t like ANY of the Hacketts) but he still has his problems. Mainly the fact that he is just so cryptic for NO reason. Like I get you can’t just be like “yeah my family has werewolves in it” but like…once Max was infected and he’s keeping him and Laura in jail, like bro EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT’S GOING ON. WHY ARE YOU WAITING TILL THE LAST CHAPTER TO TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED. This is more a problem I have with the story overall tbh, he’s just the biggest perpetrator of it. It’s just a giant information bottleneck that has no reason for existing other than plot convenience. Basically just like…dude, EXPLAIN what is going on instead of being vague, holy shit.

Anyway yeah those are my takes on the cast. If you like or dislike any characters I don’t really care, it is just a game of fictional characters and I’m sure my interpretations of them is different than others. Just wanted to share my thoughts after playing

(P.S. kinda unrelated but if you’re a Laura x Travis person do NOT interact with this. Weirdos)

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨

[paperbagpetrichor]

Jotaro comes home during the middle of the day when his pregnant wife and Jolyne don't answer the phone Jolyne greets him excitedly at the door "Where's (step) mommy?" "She and the baby are in the bathroom!" nothing unusual Jolyne liked saying 'and the baby' when he goes to the bathroom in the bathtub was his wife newborn baby in her arms smiling at him sleepily Every pregnancy story is always SHE WAS IN LABOR FOR HOURS OF AGONY ... Seth Myers wife had their baby in the lobby within 5 minutes ty

[ Holy crap Seth Meyers’ wife is actually a goddess. ]

Jotaro punched in the number again.  Try after try, all it had lead to previously was the prerecorded ‘leave a message at the beep,’ followed by the voices of his wife and their daughter.  “We’re not able to get to the phone now, sorry!” came your cheerful voice, lilting and melodic, a hint of a laugh in its undertones, followed by, “Mommy and I are playing!  We’re busy.  And the baby can’t answer the phone.  Call again later!” from little Jolyne.  He was greeted with that and nothing else once more.  With a grunt of discontent he clicked his phone off, pocketing it as thought after thought pulsed through his mind.  Either you genuinely were busy playing with Jolyne, something that Jotaro found very difficult to believe, as you were nearly thirty-eight weeks pregnant (and upon finding out the possibility that she may have a new little friend, Jolyne had sworn her solemn duty to help you and the baby while Jotaro was busy at work, always promising her father that she’d take good care of mommy, so he didn’t have to worry), or…no, that couldn’t be right, could it?  He’d been calling for the past few minutes.  There was no way you didn’t have access to your cellphone, unless - and with that, Jotaro clocked out early.  Something was very, very, very wrong.

When he quickly jammed his keys into the door and attempted to run in, he was greeted by Jolyne, looking perhaps the happiest he could ever remember, skipping around in circles and humming with a great grin growing wider every second, until she noticed him and stopped, instead tugging on his coat with her small hands and laughing.

Confused, Jotaro knelt down to his daughter, running a hand through her hair as he inquired, “Where’s mommy?”

“She and the baby are in the bathroom!” she replied with a hand rising to point in the room’s direction.  Hm - well, maybe you just weren’t feeling very well, and Jolyne had grown bored, trying to entertain herself as best as she knew how.  After all, she was so thrilled about having a little brother or sister, whenever she spoke of you, she always said “mommy and the baby,” because - well, the baby had to grow in mommy before she could meet him or her, so they were always together!  

Nevertheless, Jotaro made his way to the bathroom, noticing the closed door and knocking. “[Y/n]?  You alright?” He waited for a few moments before knocking again, only to have essentially as much luck he’d had with calling you.  Before he could try once more, however, Jolyne appeared at his side, placing a hand on the door.

“Oh!  Mommy said you could go in.  I’ve already been in, so it’s your turn!”  She opened the door and pulled her father in with one swift movement, giggling before closing the door behind him and pressing her ear to the wall.  Even if there was a barrier, she was determined to hear the conversation you and dad had, even if it was mostly just her dad’s words.  Your voice had grown very quiet earlier so she doubted she’d be able to hear you regardless of how hard she tried.

Jotaro was greeted with a room that looked empty.  If someone was there, it wasn’t visibly obvious, so as he walked over to the only uninspected portion - the tub, shrouded behind a curtain - he was beginning to believe Jolyne had been joking with him, only for him to be met by you.

You and the baby.

You were splayed out with your head on a pillow, blankets covering you from neck to toe, hair plastered to your face with sweat, warmth practically radiating from your body, holding something swathed in cloth to your chest, breathing heavily but almost inaudibly as your shaky hands rocked the bundle back and forth, back and forth, against your chest, a sleepy smile of bliss illuminating your face.  You heard the curtains open, but presumed it was just Jolyne, coming to check up on you and her new sibling.  

It was only after Jotaro let out an unusual, surprised ‘what?’ in his voice, low in disbelief, that you realized your husband was home, at your side.  “[Y/n] - that’s - are you…?”  He had no idea what to say.  He could hardly piece together what must’ve occurred and what was currently happening, much less weave his unbalanced thoughts into words, much less say them to you.

“Jotaro.”  Your voice was barely more than a whisper, but your eyes flicked to him, even more joy overcoming your fatigued but nevertheless happy face.  You rested the bundle carefully against your chest and reached out with a spare hand to your husband, who quickly took without a word.  In a mere moment his hand, covered by yours, was atop the carefully-wrapped swath, resting against it gently as he began to feel movement, steady and gradual, like that of the heartbeat of someone fast asleep.  His eyes widened.  You blinked up at him, letting go of his hand and instead offering him the baby.  “Would you like to hold him?”

With a nod of stupor, Jotaro relieved you of the bundle, carefully lifting it out of the tub and pressing it to his chest, gently pulling back the agglomeration of cloth around the child’s head to take in the face of his new family member.  The baby’s face was soft and smooth, a small, content smile picking at his lips, eyes opening as he felt unfamiliar hands holding him, greeting Jotaro’s and beginning to try and break from the blankets, managing to get an arm out and reach for his father, a cheery giggle of gibberish emitting from his small mouth.  Wisps of hair had already begun to cover the child’s head, and he had the same dark strands as his father, but the eyes of his mother, and without another moment Jotaro enveloped his baby in a soft hug, rocking him just as you had.  

Your peaceful voice reached out to them both.  “He’s so happy to see his father,” you laughed, watching your newborn struggling to contact Jotaro’s face, reaching with miniscule arms that he still barely had any control of whatsoever.  “Just as happy as I am to see you, honey.”

“Are you alright?” he queried, quiet for his youngest to remain at ease, glancing over at you.  It was clear you were tired and your body overworked, and although you showed no outward signs of it, you might have still been in pain.

You nodded.  “Of course.  It was - really quick,” you broke off with a small laugh, “and Jolyne was there to help me through it all.  Though I’m afraid it was painful, and I don’t have much energy left.”  You paused and took in the wondrous sight of your husband holding his son for the first time.  “But I’ll be fine with a little bit of time.”  

He gave you a hum of acknowledgement.  He still couldn’t believe it.  You’d gone through the entire birthing process, all while he was away at work, with nobody but your stepdaughter to aid you, and yet somehow you were still conscious, smiling, taking care of the newest member of the family.  “I love him,” he breathed, offering his son a rare grin.  “Welcome home, little guy…did you give him a name yet?”

With a shake of your head you denied, “No, sweetheart.  I couldn’t control when he arrived, but I wanted you to be here to help me pick something nice.”  Your mouth was still open, about to continue, when suddenly the door burst open and Jolyne ran in, almost knocking Jotaro over with a flying hug.

“Did you meet him?  Isn’t he so cute?  A little brother, dad!  I have a little brother!  And don’t you dare name him without me!”

The two of you, Jotaro and yourself, shared a smile, giving each other looks that expressed more than any words ever could.  “Alright, Jo, what names have you thought about?”

[lizacstuff]

Hoşgeldiniz SCK/EDSER Anons!

Lots of people wanted to talk about lots of things after episode 32 and the episode 33 fragman. Fragman asks are at the end. 

Let’s get started!

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: The latest episode of SCK was a great step in the right direction for Eda & Serkan’s relationship but there is still a lot of work to do. They had a ton of scenes together which was a significant improvement not to mention solids conversations. Them working together to save the presentation was perfect. But how on earth are we four episodes into the Serkan & Selin relationship with no end in sight? 🤦🏻‍♀️Yikes! At least Selin is finally realizing that she will never be the woman for Serkan but real progress would be him realizing that. Hopefully he will finally take that step in the next episode!

I hear you! The funny thing is I’m fine with the pace on everything except with Selin. She is driving me CRAZY.  It is excruciating to watch her scheme and fool Serkan episode after episode!  Yes, he’s suffering from amnesia and probably Stockholm syndrome after she trapped him in that cabin and brainwashed him, yes she’s a childhood friend and he doesn’t remember her going off the deep end, but he’s free now, he’s seeing first hand that Eda is not what Selin told him she was, he’s getting other people’s perspective, he needs to question Selin a whole lot more than he has done. 

Let’s hope there’s a development coming soon (more discussion at the end of this post in regards to the Fragman) that will push her out the door (off a cliff?) 

Anonymous said: Do you think Serkan learning that Deniz & Eda are fake engaged to make him jealous is going to hurt or help the current situation? I feel like it should show him that she never stopped fighting for him but at the same time the show still has him acting very cruel at times. It could easily cause him to pick a quick wedding date with Selin as well or some other way to publicly humiliate Eda. Honestly I am hoping Eda tells Deniz that the fake engagement show is over early in the next episode and then have Serkan constantly trying to spend time with her to find out more. The fake engagement has run its course & Deniz needs to go!

Sing it!!!  I have several asks along these lines, and I agree that the fake engagement has run it’s course and Deniz needs to go. The good thing is that I think Eda is aware of that now.

I get the fear that Serkan will feel manipulated when he finds out Deniz and Eda is fake, and he may, and if he does he might use it as a lever to try and keep some distance between Eda and himself, but I think he will mostly be relieved. No matter what his feelings are for her, think how happy he’ll be that she couldn’t really move on that quickly from him and that she didn’t give up and was fighting for them in her own way.

I think the fake engagement definitely had it’s uses. It’s pushed Serkan in ways he needs to be pushed. It’s made him outwardly curious about his past relationship with Eda. It made him experience jealousy he didn’t understand. I think Serkan sleeping in the office clutching her wedding invitation is proof that it gave him a lot to think about and at least made him question why he was so affected by it. 

Here’s where I think Eda has gone wrong, she’s doing all of this to get Serkan to remember and when he doesn’t it crushes her, when she should be paying attention to the fact that he’s falling back in love with her even without the memories. She should be trying to connect with him more in those moments when he’s vulnerable with her. 

The coffee shop scene is a perfect example. They’re both drawn there, he doesn’t know why. When she sees him you can see her mind working, that maybe he remembers, and when he doesn’t, she just sinks. She’s near tears that entire conversation. I’m sure it was extremely painful for her, but he’s sitting there opening up to her and instead of encouraging him to talk more or maybe offering him some answers, she gets up and leaves. If she’d stayed, they probably would have talked for hours. 

Anonymous said: Do you think that Eda getting fakeengaged to Deniz was the wrong move? Am I being very unfair to her when I think this? Like I know Serkan is engaged to Selin and he's doing this even though he's not in love her, but he did experience amnesia and is genuinely confused at what has gone on in his life. Whenever he does have some breakthrough moments, like when he was questioning her in that cabin , she reiterates that she's with Deniz now and he's with Celine - I feel like that's the wrong move.

I think she’s made some missteps, yes, and you pointed out the biggest. 

Here’s the thing, though, Serkan is like a scared little rabbit and Eda is holding out her hand with some lettuce trying to get the wee scared rabbit to come and nibble on it. Any wrong or sudden move and he’s going to scamper away! She’s afraid if he knows she’s available and still in love with him he’s going to freak out and run far, far away from her. The problem is she’s so cautious, that when she finally succeeds and he nibbles the lettuce (opens up and becomes vulnerable with her) she’s the one that retreats!

Poor babies. 

That moment in the cabin felt like such a lost opportunity. Serkan was asking about their relationship, he was genuinely interested in learning more. And he sounded hurt when he asked about her giving up on him, which we know is a deep-seated fear of his, people abandoning him-- and there are so many things she could have done there to throw him a bone, but instead she doubled down on Deniz and Selin. Even if she would have ignored Deniz and just said, but you are with Selin, to drive home the fact that it’s him who gave up, but unfortunately she didn’t do that.  

Anonymous said: I need Eda to lose it, confess about fake engagement, tell Serkan shes done trying to make him remember their love while he's happy with someone else because it just hurts too much so she needs to leave him and all these fake people behind and just go to Italy. Then Serkan can chase her (following her to Italy would be nice) and 33 can be our 11.

I’m onboard. I would love to see Serkan chasing her down again!

Anonymous said: I don't even care about Deniz from a love triangle standpoint but it is very sad for Eda that this longtime childhood friend that she trusts so much is working with the enemy behind her back. No matter what his ulterior motives are, it will be devastating for her to realize this. And Ceren is now super bitchy to her so Melo is literally her only real friend right now. I wish they could give us some Eda/Ferit scenes or something because they /could/ connect over all things Serkan/Selin/CerenI

I agree, it’s super sad to see how alone Eda is in all of this and to find out that this childhood friend who became a source of strength for her when Serkan was missing is actually capable of conspiring against her is devastating. I really don’t understand him, he doesn’t seem unbalanced or desperate like Selin, you’d think he’d know that he can’t force Eda to love him when she’s in love with someone else. Also I’m now on board with the theory that he was purposely not as helpful in the search for Serkan as he pretended to be. It was all performative, not substantive. Eda put her trust in the wrong person. 

Thankfully she has Melo. What a terrible time for Fifi to have left and Ceren to have lost the thread.  I agree I’d like to see some Ferit/Eda scenes, we know he would at least sincerely care about her and how she’s doing because he’s just that kind. 

Anonymous said: Please can you explain to me why serkan keeps changing his attitude with eda? He jumps from eda to selin every episode and it's very frustrating. At the beginning of the ep he was like "you're not in my past or my future" and by the end of the ep he say "You gave up on me" come on serkan ily but boy make up your mind, one minute you don't want anything to do with her and the next minute you're making eyes at her...

This a pretty easy one to answer. The answer is because he’s suffering from trauma, PTSD, a brain injury, he has amnesia, he’s being manipulated by his oldest friend and is being lied to by the person he remembers as his girlfriend and all of a sudden he’s having powerful feelings for this strange woman that he doesn’t understand.  I firmly believe that the reason we hear Serkan say in episodes 18 and 20 that he never loved Selin, is because he never loved Selin, but he didn’t know that until he met Eda.  Before Eda, I don’t think he believed in love or thought much about it. If asked he might have said he loved Selin because he didn’t know better.  So now he’s once again experiencing something powerful he didn’t know existed, compounded by all these other factors and it’s freaking him the fuck out!  

The comment about you’re not in my past or my future was a reaction to whatever powerful feeling or recollection that made him say, “nobody touches you but me.”  It scared him.  And also, not for nothing, he apologized for being hard on her, something old Serkan NEVER did.

Most of the times he “jumped” to Selin in this episode were 100% in reaction to being confronted with Deniz and Eda’s relationship.  In the office he witnesses Eda and Deniz all affectionate so when Selin comes in, in front of Eda he greets her warmly.  When they’re outside the bungalows, Eda throw in his face that she’s so glad to be with Deniz now, so he throws a compliment at Selin.  Deniz tells him he’s glad he almost died in a plane crash and has amnesia so Eda can actually finally be happy, (enough can’t be said about how awful that would be to hear, so fuck you Deniz) so he throws his energy into Selin at their party. 

Every time he “changed” his attitude it was a reaction. 

When he had just had a very positive experience with Eda, helping her with the presentation and their ride back to the hotel, he has zero patience for Selin and let her stomp off without even a look. When Selin was trying to get his attention later, he had no interest.  

So, yes, while he was hot and cold, there was also a bit of rhyme to that reasons. 

Anonymous said: I liked this episode but at times it seemed like the writers wanted to do everything to make me hate Serkan. With serkan kissing selin on the cheek, hugging selin, making heart eyes at her and throwing a surprise birthday party for her. And I'm not even talking about all those bad words he says to eda. I think it's too much. I know what they're trying to do with serkan but I think that trying to do too much will end up making the character of serkan unbearable for the audience.

Okay, but why aren’t you paying attention to any of the good things? How can you hate Serkan when he sleeps on his office couch clutching her wedding invitation, and scrubs his face not understanding why she’s gotten so far under his skin? Or when he’s so confused sitting in a coffee shop and he doesn’t know why, but feels at peace? Or when he drops everything to rush back to the office to help Eda. When he brings her coffee and calls her boss? When he looks so proud of her as she does the presentation. When he looks like a big sweet Golden Retriever after she hugs him? When he playfully tackles her while having a snowball fight.  When he leaves Selin right as she’s making her birthday wish to go find Eda. He didn’t even ask if she wanted to help (which a sane, kind person would want to join everyone else in searching) he just bolted because Eda was in trouble. Then he carried her to safety and lit a fire and tended to her injuries. Does all of that make you hate him?

Is that “hateable” behavior. 

I mean if it’s in your personality to only see the negative, okay, but life is much better when you don’t discount everything positive just to sate your desire to live in a dark place and only see the worst in people. 

Anonymous said: eda & serkan are just so.. ahsjdkfd. such frustrating characters (whom i love but wanna knock them both in the head). everything they did with deniz & selin or when it came to their arguments was in reaction to what the other did. that's why i don't think this fake engagement thing is gonna work, bc if he's constantly being told by eda & deniz how happy they are, i dont think he's gonna be up front with this feelings. outside of eda leaving (like ep 11) i dont think a proper confession will come

Yes, I will give you that. THEY ARE FRUSTRATING!!!!!  I agree that usefulness of the engagements have worn off both from a character perspective and a narrative perspective.  

As I said above, I think the Deniz thing has served a bit of a purpose, but it’s now officially doing more harm that good and that shit-stain needs to leave ASAP. 

Anonymous said:  I was going to give a chance to these people who didn't care enough about Eda & Serkan in episode 29 but now 4 eps later, Selin has integrated back into the scene disturbingly well. Ferit is still the only one we've seen confronting her and Melo has been very supportive but that has not changed since 29 so development for other characters caring about EdSer has not improved in my opinion. They have accepted it :( And its actually worse now bc of Deniz. Aydan starting to feel bad does not count.

Oh I agree, they can all rot as far as I’m concerned, Piril is particularly disgusting to me.  

You know, having said that, part of me thinks, even from Piril and Ferit’s first conversations with Selin, that they all just know it’s a matter of time until Serkan realizes he belongs with Eda. Like none of them are doing anything because they’ve witnessed over and over Serkan’s inability to stay away from her and assume the situation will play itself out and they just need to let it be?  I would prefer to think this rather than any of them (other than Piril) being okay with Selin’s psycho behavior. 

The other problem is that Serkan is such an authoritative figure to all of them. None of them, other than Eda, know how to question him. Did you see Engin, he’s too scared to tell Serkan they lost a client when he had nothing to do with the reason why? He has balls of Styrofoam. Kinda stands to reason that none of those gutless wonders are going to try and make him see the light when he’s so obstinately trying to not be the person they all told him he turned into with Eda. 

For Aydan, while I will still never forgive her for keeping Serkan’s whereabouts a secret, she might be treading lightly because she knows Serkan tends to do the opposite of what she tells him to do.  If she pushes too hard for Eda, he might start reacting against that. 

Anonymous said: Serkan's change of attitude between day and night is really disturbing. The whole progression between him and eda is destroyed each time. At the end of the episode we always find ourselves back at the starting point with zero progression. At this point it's really tiring, they should stop it or at least take Selin out of the equation (also why selin and serkan are still engaged ? at this point is ridiculous).

While I agree that Selin needs to be out of the equation and her presence is beyond tiring, I disagree that their progression is destroyed each time. They really don’t start at zero.

Do you think they get to the point where they were in this episode without everything that came before? Having a couple of deep and real conversations, where Serkan is vulnerable, having Serkan leaving the hotel to come and help Eda? Calling her boss and working together as a seamless team? Him hugging her back? Him asking deep and sincere question about how she could move on and give up on him?

That would not have happened in prior episodes.  I assume you feel like a deep moment happens and the next interaction they act like it didn’t? That is partly true, but I think it’s both of them protecting themselves, so after a particularly close moment they boomerang back.  Serkan is being pushed out of comfort zones he didn’t even know he had. So yes he retreats after being vulnerable. Eda is at her emotional limits and she still has that pride. However, while that’s true that they do take a step back after a big moment, it’s also true that the next time they have a real moment, a big moment, it goes deeper than the last.  They all build on one another. 

So there is progression and they are building something. His feelings for sure are much different than they were in 29/30. He’s in a vastly different place, he’s recognizing that he has feelings for Eda to the point that he’s sleeping on his office couch clutching her wedding invitation.  The progress is slow, but it’s happening, just like the first time around, when they’d take a step forward and then one of them would freak out and pull back a bit.  

Anonymous said: It was a good episode but I still don't understand why writers keep on writing things that aren't necessary (aydan and ayfer killing alex plus all of theirs scenes together that are boring by the way, the scenes between selin and serkan where they are suddenly close, selin and deniz..) we don't need to see that. They should focus more on the trauma that serkan is going through and the way he falls little by little in love with eda with those memories of them that appear to him at the same time.1

They should just take Selin away and get rid of those fake engagement. 2

Well you certainly won’t get any argument from me that we need to get rid of fake engagements and Selin and Deniz. I’m also laughing because we’re all referring to Serkan and Selin’s engagement as fake. That’s because it is.  It’s something Serkan is using as a buffer, and we are now at the point that he doesn’t need it anymore, its only him who needs to realize it. 

As for Alex, Aydan and Ayfer the fact is this show is over 2 hours in length each week and they have to have B and C storylines in order to fill it.  This week it was A/A/A and I got to tell you, I’ve seen worse. If you don’t take it too seriously (which you really shouldn’t take too much on this show seriously, at this point it’s really just a vehicle for Hande and Kerem to work their special brand of magic each week) you can just enjoy the reprieve from Selin and try and enjoy these two ladies’ dynamic and their shenanigans.  Both Alican (Seyfi) and Evrim (Ayfer) previewed on twitter that they laughed so hard while reading episode 33, I assume it has to do with Alex’s “death.” I say bring on the comedy! 

Anonymous said: you know i've seen a lot of talk about how serkan is being "cruel" with eda and i don't agree at all. i mean, when they're bantering, she's giving back just as good as she gets.. and bantering/arguing is kinda their "thing" .. it's like their foreplay lmao. and when she does feel hurt by something he does or says it's not like he's doing it intentionally with the purpose of inflicting her pain. idk.. cruel is a very strong word to use for what the dynamic is between them right now..

Agreed. Remember when the narrative from episode 20-26 was that Eda was being cruel to Serkan and needed to suffer?  There are some people who can’t help but pit the two halves of the whole against each other.  I don’t do that. There’s enough empathy to go around. 

Especially when they’re arguing, as you say Eda gives as good as she gets (that’s why she’s the only match for Serkan, she’s the only one who can go toe to toe with him) and there were also quite a few moments where she was provoking him. As she told him in the shelter, just because they didn’t always agree, didn’t mean there wasn’t love. 

Anonymous said: I see a ton of people cancelling Serkan each week but I think he’s going to cancel himself when he remembers and that’s what will further prolong their reunion/wedding. He drove himself sick with guilt about her parents and he had 0 fault in that, but in this instance, there are things a version of him said and did, even if it was in the wrong state of mind. I hope the writing does this justice.

Me too. While I don’t want to spend episode upon episode with him wallowing and self-flagellating, we are owed a scene of his devastation at what he’s put her through.  He loves her so much it will be very painful when he puts it all together. 

On the other hand, I think he won’t remember enough to be at that point until he’s already admitted he’s in love with her afresh. That might dull the need for him to punish himself too much as he would have fulfilled his promise to fall in love with her if born again. 

jan31: Hi Liza, hope you are well. I am sure you have seen the fragman by now, have you got any idea why Serkan would give Seline 5% of his shares. Is at guilt thing after finding him with Eda? I want to believe he remembers more than he is letting on with her and it's some kind of test, but I think I am clowning! When it comes to love he is clueless but not business. Why would he take away his majority and now be 45%? I am perplexed! Maybe there will be something In the episode that will explain it, as I think this happens near the beginning? Not sure anymore if 33 will be Selines last episode now, maybe they are dragging out the drama a bit longer for ratings, who knows!

I think this is one where we can’t judge it until we actually see what happens.  Serkan has to wise up at some point and giving away 5% of the company (even though its her shares she sold to him when she left town) is very unwise and I find it hard to buy that its something he does because he feels guilty because he got all cuddly with Eda in the cabin.  He’s always been a savvy business man, and her hold on him has only been lessening, not increasing.  

Let’s hope he’s starting to wise up and it’s some sort of test or trap. Unless the new writers just don’t understand who Serkan Bolat is at all. 

Anonymous said: Anyone else need to take several deep breaths after watching that fragman? Everyone is canceled except for Eda, Melo, Ferit (if he knew nothing about the shares) and Serkan (although he is going to seriously make up for his cruelty at some point). I guess the only positive is that it seems like everything that happened in the last 4 episodes is all coming together finally. Eda will hopefully finally figure out what Ceren’s problem is and hopefully also figure out Deniz & Selin are working together. And at least Serkan seems determined to get Eda to admit there is still something between them which has to mean he has finally accepted his feelings for her. Things have been progressing slowly and Selin has been smug for far too long so exciting to think there will be a change.

My thought is we need to wait and see context for all of these things. I have a feeling not everything is as it appears. 

Though one thing I think that is exactly as it appears is Serkan trying to get Eda to admit she has feelings for him. That’s good. That’s really, really good. He’s making a move. He’s bringing the sexual tension. Love to see it. 

Anonymous said: Ok so do you buy the theory that Serkan suspects that Selin sabotaged Eda with that dossier? Because when I first saw him getting that flashback at the hotel, I didn't understand why they needed to show it - maybe just to let us know again that Serkan doubted Eda's work skills since they had been bickering all day? But then I read that the flashback could be to confirm that he knew Selin was present. This could be fans coming up with better ideas than the writers though. :/

I want to buy that theory. I want to buy it lunch and dinner and some wine and flowers and I want it to be true!!!! I also want the 5% shares to be a part of some plan he has to figure out what Selin’s is doing. 

Though... lets not get too far ahead of ourselves, this is just speculation which mostly never happens, however the spoilers have long said that Selin leaves in 33 or 34. For that to happen something drastic has to happen.  There’s also screenshots going around that show that there was definitely a security camera right behind Selin when she got into the network and deleted Eda’s files. So there’s a good chance hard evidence of her perfidy exists. 

Honestly, this makes the most sense to me in getting rid of her (which means it’s probably not true). 

However, if it were true, it would help bolster Serkan’s character a bit. He’s a smart man but they’ve turned him into a fool not suspecting anything about Selin, if he unmasks her himself and takes her down for business reasons and doesn’t care a bit about dumping her personally, it kills a bunch of birds with one stone. It restores his savvy, it gets rid of her, it gets rid of her by his hand so it’s not like the choice was taken away from him, it gives her some consequences and comeuppance without overtaking the plot, and it does all this without advancing the romantic story with Eda too quickly (cause I think they want to milk that a little while longer) 

Also the only other way they get rid of her at this point is if Serkan breaks it off and tells her he’s in love with Eda. And I really need her GONE now and not once Serkan is at the screaming at her about how much he’s in love with Eda stage of this story. 

Anonymous said: Okay so Serkan must have a plan and that is why he gave Selin the shares, right? Or he is doing it to make up for ruining her birthday? It would be great if he was doing it because he finally accepted his feelings for Eda on some level & plans to break up with Selin but feels bad about it. Just very weird that he would give her the shares (which to everyone that cannot read his mind comes off as cementing their future together) while at the same time trying to get Eda to admit her feelings for him.

Yeah, I think we’re all on the same wavelength that something is fishy here. Let’s hope it’s a ploy because Serkan knows Selin has been up to no good. And if so I really, really need Eda to be present for her takedown this time. Girlfriend deserves that. 

Anonymous said: what do you think of this third set of writers? I'm not sure if the episodes have been bad because they were instructed to write this stagnant plot and its not really their fault, or if the scene would've been fine but were just actually written badly. Idk if Im making any sense. I personally refer to 26-27-28 as the "edser renaissance" and was not missing Ayse's team and now I'm sad but idk if it's unfair to the writers if this is more likely the showrunner's idea or something

It’s hard to tell because it’s only been two episode, but I think the DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA seems to be a directive from the producers/network.  However, I think they’ve written some very nice individual scenes. As I’ve said, the scene where Serkan comes back to ArtLife to help Eda is already on my list of favorite scenes ever and there was a lot of goodness besides that. There was the accidental kiss, and arguing (how much did you love Eda sitting with Melo counting down until Serkan came to the coffee room) and the coffee shop and every second in that cabin.  So I guess I disagree with you that the scenes are all bad.  If there’s nothing you like in the episode, maybe go back and just rewatch some of the Edser scenes without having the stench of Selin and Deniz nonsense polluting them, I promise you there’s lots of goodness there. 

[wickedsrest-rp-archive]

Name: Abigail Varcroft Species: Human Occupation: Curator’s Assistant at Crest Works Art Age: 39 Years Old Played By: Violet Face Claim: Aubrey Plaza

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely, but damn, it feels amazing to be powerful.”

TW: Domestic Abuse, Alcoholism, Sibling Death, Head Trauma

From her early childhood, Abigail had to be careful about everything. School was the only time she could escape her tormenting home life, the only time she could just be a nobody, a face among the crowd. She never excelled in classwork, even though she tried her hardest, she just could never focus enough to do above-average. Her parents didn’t care about her grades, they rarely had time to. Abigail’s dad was an alcoholic, her mom left when she was 3, and her older brother was always out with his friends, usually doing drugs or racing outside of town. Her dad constantly told her that she was “weak” and “useless” when she was at home, even going so far as to blame the young girl for her mother’s absence, and taking his anger out on her.

Abigail’s brother died when she was 16 years old. After her dad found out, he told her and moved on extremely quickly, not even going to the funeral. He didn’t seem to care, or was just too drunk to actually understand the gravity of what was going on, but everybody justified his behavior by saying it was just part of the grieving process. Abigail believed otherwise. Her last 2 years with her father were just as bad as the 16 years before, but Abigail began getting fed up. Rather than wanting to leave, she let the resentment within her grow into anger and hatred towards her father. She spent her days like an animal tamer, pandering to the needs of her father and walking on eggshells around him to keep him calm and complacent.

On the day Abigail was ready to move out, only 2 weeks after she graduated from high school, she had also prepared to commit a murder. She’d been compiling a folder of evidence against her father, hundreds of recordings and pictures and videos from the past 2 years of her life. Walking up to her dad’s recliner sometime during the middle of the day, she started openly taunting him and blocking the TV, quickly getting a rise out of the intoxicated, large man. It didn’t take long for him to slowly, shakily stand up out of his chair, beginning to pursue Abigail as she ran into the kitchen, still taunting him.

Shoving her unbalanced father backward, he stumbled backward and fell onto the open dishwasher, dying quickly after his head landed atop the numerous upwards-facing knives left in the utensil tray. Abigail watched blankly, just.. staring. She wanted to laugh, but she had no need to. In her mind. The man was too weak to deserve her joy, even in his last moments. She called the police, recited the lines she’d practiced to the detective, got a cheap but decent lawyer, presented the folders of evidence against her father, and was deemed innocent by the jury after a 6-month-long trial. She didn’t have to lie much to get away with it, she just had to be honest, and not mention the fact that she’d left the laundry machine open on purpose and was taunting her father to get him into the perfect position. After all, she was genuinely traumatized, she just knew how to hide it better than most.

After moving out, Abigail left White Crest and moved to Washington D.C., hoping to find a passion that could make her feel fulfilled and happy. Using art to cope with the strange thoughts that plagued her mind, she found her passion in creating and observing pieces of art that seemed to capture her complex feelings about death, life, and other somewhat abstract concepts that kept her up at night. Unfortunately, Abigail wasn’t one of the lucky ones that made it in the art industry. By age 25, she’d been rejected by several art schools, mostly due to the court case following her father’s death that tainted her record. Sure, she could’ve applied to schools that would’ve been easier to get accepted to, but she knew her own worth, and she knew that she needed the connections that a better art school could give her.

Abigail spent the next few years working at a few small art galleries and museums while learning the piano in her free time, but she never kept a job for very long. She wasn’t personable enough for most of the places that employed her, and she got her fair share of complaints from customers for not smiling enough or speaking critically about some of the pieces on display. She never stopped making her own art in her free time, but once she’d created a piece of art and seen it for herself, she would simply take a picture and throw it in the trash. The monotony of life started getting to Abigail, as did seeing the type of people she hated get happy lives and live peacefully. But she knew that was just how it was, the strong won and the weak lost.

Eventually, Abigail moved back to White Crest. She did still have a house there in her name, and rent was expensive in Washington. Even though she had plenty of bad memories in that house, Abigail figured that might be just the thing to inspire her. She would come to regret this decision after a few years. It wasn’t her home that started getting to her, but seeing the people from her childhood living the same oblivious, simple, boring, happy lives that they always had gotten to. There was no punishment for how they treated her, the world wasn’t fair like that, and she knew it, but it still made her seethe with anger. At the peak of Abigail’s almost obsessive mindset, she was approached by the impossible, and given an offer that would be impossible to refuse.

Abigail was approached by an erinyes, and her view of the world was shattered once she was told about the existence of supernatural beings. The power structure that she often obsessed over seemed boundless in scale now. She felt weak and small, but she was good at hiding it, or so she thought. She never learned the name of the erinyes, but when she offered Abigail the power to get what she deserved, Abigail didn’t hesitate to accept. The next few days passed in an instant, and she awoke next to the corpse of a werewolf in the woods, blood painting the grass and trees nearby. She thought it was beautiful.

That was only 3 months ago, and Abigail still doesn’t understand what has given her this new strength and these blackouts, but she doesn’t hate what she’s become at all. If she ever met that erinyes again, she’d probably thank her. A few survivors of a creature in the woods report hearing the screams of somebody they love nearby, before being chased to the edge of the forest by a beast made of antlers and bones. Abigail now works at the Crest Works Art gallery as the Curator Assistant, and she’s never felt more fulfilled.

Character Facts:

Personality: Neutral, numb, volatile, stubborn, easily angered, repressed, methodical, and blunt

Abigail enjoys playing piano, a hobby she started a year after leaving White Crest. She particularly enjoys playing classical music.

Abigail loves watching Disney movies. (Her favorite is “Brave”)

While she’s pretty calm and normal in public, while in private, she can tend to spiral when her mind is allowed to wander, causing her to constantly seek distractions or stimuli.

Abigail has a pet tarantula, named Leo, one of the only living things she genuinely cares for.

Abigail loves to watch and nitpick medical and forensic drama shows.

Abigail’s art is not for the faint of heart, and normally contains macabre and horrific elements. If she went into horror design, she’d probably do relatively well.

[allandoflimbo]

Take It Back (Chapter 26)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary:  About five years ago, a one night stand with Y/N tore Bucky’s life apart. It was also the night before his wedding. Now he’s married to her sister and she needs a place to stay.

Chapter Warnings: None.

Take It Back Full Masterpage |

Boys workin' on empty Is that the kind'a way to face the burning heat? I just think about my baby I'm so full of love I could barely eat

Paris, France

She was a sight to behold - a silver tweed dress that fell just above the knees, accompanied by black six-inch heels with red soles; Louboutins.

Her long hair cascaded down her exposed back as she threw her head back in a gorgeous sounding laugh that had all the men around ogling her.

She held a tight grip on the vanilla flavored champagne, the other hand holding onto the clutch that carried her spare euros and a MAC matte red lipstick.

A particular brunette man had his hand on her lower back as she reached over to put her glass down, his wide smile mimicking hers.

Where his black suit hugged his male-model physique, her tan legs ran for days passed the edges of her dress and into her shoes- toned and appearing worked out to perfection.

At least that’s what the envious woman around her thought. Especially little blonde Kelly Sanders who eyed her from across the banquet floor, in a Valentino and all.

Little did they - Kelly especially - know that she was genetically lucky. Not having to go a day to the gym, she’d been blessed with curves in the right spots, a decent speed metabolism, and imperfections that were constantly overlooked, but to Ashlyn were bluntly obvious.

Not that she wanted people to see her imperfections or for them to vocally state their awareness about it - she had enough of that to deal with from her nagging self because of her extremely low self-confidence - but, sometimes, she wondered if the love the people around her showed her was really genuine.

She knew Tony’s wasn’t.

The only genuine thing in her life right now was Bucky, and she was ruining it because she thought she had been doing them a favor. Anything that once had a potential to be good in her life had been jeopardized by her, and she had spent the last five years trying to make up for it.

She’d do anything for her husband.

When you had turned to her in the train that one day many years ago, and brought up Kelly and her boyfriend and how they had gotten engaged after only five months of dating, any doubt she had about moving too quickly with Bucky had left her mind.

There was no doubt in her mind that what she had with him was rare and true love.

When she had seen his perfect blue eyes for the first time and the way he had reached out to flick a snowflake off of her hair, she had been caught in a trance.

It was like something out of a movie and her heart had fluttered when he gave her that iconic smile.

The smile that would soon belong to the man she’d end up marrying.

She knew who he was when she met him, but she had lied and pretended like she didn’t know. She was afraid of coming clean after so many months, afraid that it would make it look like she did it out of using him, when the truth was that she didn’t want him to think that his reputation was why she wanted to be with him in the first place.

They had swapped numbers after their first encounter, and she fell in love with him after two weeks, and she was certain he felt the same way.

Even you saw it; that un-denying chemistry.

Bucky was sweet, he was kind, and he was everything she had been waiting for since her parents had died.

After their death, she had felt more alone than ever.

She had already faced bipolar and other emotional issues before their death, you (her little sister), seeming to be the only light in her life anymore.

She knew there was times where she felt like she did things that didn’t make sense, or say things that didn’t make any sense either.

She would most often than not, realize it too late, but she knew.

She did it because of herself. She felt worthless and she felt like she deserved every consequence that was handed her way. She didn’t know why- maybe it was whatever unbalanced chemicals that were being produced in her brain that made her feel a certain way about herself.

Since a child, she never really found her true herself or who she was.

She was never certain about her identity, to begin with.

She didn’t help her mother cook in the kitchen like you did, and she never fit into any clique at school. She’d ditch going out on Friday nights to instead help you with your homework or your hair and makeup so you could go out and meet your friends.

Her senior year she had ditched the cafeteria and resorted to eating her lunch in the bathroom stall, the loneliness and the fear of being alone forever engulfing her.

The echoes of the footsteps in the bathroom from her classmates as she chewed her peanut butter and jelly sandwich - swallowed down by a gulp of chocolate milk - were her lullabies.

Not too long after, she was diagnosed with bipolar and depression by age nineteen, making sure she was keeping it from everyone around her.  

The last thing she wanted was to be treated the way she viewed herself.

The reason people were distant wasn’t because she was bullied or because people thought she was weird, she just didn’t know who exactly she was.

She didn’t know who she was until Bucky Barnes showed it to her.

He saved her in many more ways than she could ever say, and she goddamn loved him for it. He was her saving grace, and his presence reminded her just how much she needed to take care after you.

After your parent’s death she had become distant again, her depression was worst and she took it out on you, by no fault of her own.

When Bucky came into the picture, and he had upped her spirits in surprising ways that made her unbelievably happy, it was like a fog was cleared from her eyes and she was reminded that she had to take care of you.

It happened all because of him.

Ashlyn loved him with all her heart, but it came with a price.

Because of him, she discovered herself, and what she liked was material things and doing things for her husband, that in the long run, would benefit him [them].

Everything that she had transformed herself to become, which was now making her happier than ever, she had done it because of and for him.

And now that she’d been doing better mentally, after taking many drugs and lots of therapy, she found herself falling into the arms of another man.

When Mr. Barnes had taken her aside after their first interview, he had looked at her a certain way that made her tummy turn in uncertainty.

She had trembled slightly in apprehension as she saw a familiar form in his hand.

Resting his leg on his desk, his eyes darkened but remained on her.

It wasn’t to deny, Mr. Barnes had been a beautiful man (a silver fox in all ways), but he had made her feel uneasy with the way he stared at her ass when she had greeted her son earlier in the lobby.

The interview had gone well until she saw in his right hand a piece of paper that would either make or break it all.

“You didn’t have to keep this from us. Not me, especially my son, as I’m assuming he doesn’t know. Is there a reason why you chose to not mention this?”

He took Ashlyn’s silence as his answer and makes a sound of understanding.

“Why,” he taps the papers against his legs and walks around to sit in his big chair behind his desk, “did you keep your medical records a secret?”

Ashlyn swallowed nervously, her mouth opening but no sound coming out.

“Did you think this would stop me from hiring you?” Mr. Barnes wasn’t yelling, but his voice was strong. When she doesn’t say anything, he leans over his desk, drops the paper down, and with crossed hands continues, “look, you’re a sweet girl. And I see a lot of potential in you. You have good qualities, you stick up for what you want regardless of if it’s right or wrong-“

She couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry, you got that from a fifteen-minute interview?” Ashlyn chuckles nervously.

Mr. Barnes smiles.

“Trust me, I have good instinct. Anyway, am I wrong?” When Ashlyn doesn’t respond, Mr. Barnes smirks, eyes drifting once more to her gorgeous legs, “bipolar, depression, anxiety, personality disorder, a manic episode-“ Ashlyn flinches with each word thrown at her, she feels it eating away at her bones and most importantly - her dignity. He notices and his eyes soften, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Many famous businessmen, celebrities, big figure names—suffer from the same illnesses. It doesn’t make you any less human or capable.”

A breath of relief escapes her lungs.

Ashlyn nodded.

He smirked.

“Come here, I want to show you something.”

She had followed him out to the large window and stood there next to her for a few minutes before continuing.

“You see this?” Ashlyn followed his gaze out into the city, the hundreds of people walking below in the streets, the famous buildings hanging high in the skies like goddamn trophies, “Barnes Enterprises owns about seventy five percent of everything you’re seeing. From the Hudson to the bay-“ He turned slowly to Ashlyn and examined her face, “I see the way your eyes shine when you look at it.”

Ashlyn swallows as her eyes drift down, “It’s all really nice. Everything he’s done for me so far, it’s almost like he knows exactly what I need. It’s like he’s cured me.” She trembled slightly under his heavy gaze and as his finger played with a strand of her that was on her shoulder.

“And what is it that you need?”

Ashlyn thought about it- really thought about it. The answer was simple, and it wasn’t one that she had ever expected to be the answer to all her issues. After Bucky had given her the apartment, the job, and now looking at the city, she knew exactly what it was that she wanted.

“Everything.”

Barnes’ bit his bottom lip and nodded, looking once more out the window.

“Perfect. Look I think you’ll be perfect for this job more than you think. If anything I’m going to want your help, but it’s something that can only stay between us. It will make you happy and it will help you.” “Of course, anything.”

Mr. Barnes sighed.

“Look, Bucky’s a great kid, as I’m sure you know. But he’s got some weaknesses. He thinks too much with his heart. I’m going to want you to work under my eye, and there are certain tasks you might have to do that at first won’t make sense to you, but in the long run you will see it pay off. That is, if I choose you to stay.”

His words at first had surprised her. Bucky’s own father wanted Ashlyn to keep a secret from him. She loved Bucky and she loved the things he was doing for her.

“It will help me?” Her voice shook with uncertainty.

“Yes.”

It was on their trip to Paris that it had happened.

It was a simple assistant job, follow Mr. Barnes around like a fucking chihuahua taking his calls, making sure everything was in order, keeping appointments, etc.

She made sure that all his emails were read and she read lines with him on what he had to say to Tony at their meeting the following night.

Everything was all set until it was time for her to go to her own hotel room when Mr. Barnes stopped her.

She spun around with a small frown and asked if there was something she had missed. He simply shook his head and beckoned her with his finger to walk over to him.

She hesitated for a moment until those familiar eyes took her in, shivering at how it sent a weird warmth down her body that she didn’t expect.

Somewhere along the way, she’d ended up between his legs. His hands had been on her waist and her own hands in his silver luxurious hair.

He had started with simple kisses around her belly button around the heavy rummaging of his corse hands on her denim were the only sound.

In the back of her head, she had that burning guilt of the reminder of her boyfriend and she pushed him away softly, almost painfully.

“Mr. Barnes, this is wrong.”

“Remember that test I was telling you about? This is it, Ashlyn. If you can do this, you can do anything. And you can have anything you want.”

She wanted to be cured, she wanted to be okay again like when she was a child. She hated her illness, and the only thing that seemed to make her better was what Mr. Barnes was offering her.

He was right. Wasn’t he?

She felt a heavy knot in her throat.

“You can’t tell Bucky.”

“No. Never. That would ruin everything.”

She took in his words and after a few more seconds succumbed to his ‘test’.

She’d gone down on him and she had felt disgusted with herself. When he was finished, she wanted to run out of that room and call Bucky, tell him she loved him.

She was turned away and had wiped her mouth one more time on the back of her hand when that husky voice from behind her started again.

“Have you ever owned a five thousand dollar purse before?”

She had thought that was a weird question, especially after just giving a man a blowjob.

“No.”

“It’d look good on you. I’ll take you tomorrow to get one.”

Her brows furrowed.

“I don’t have five thousand dollars.”

“Yes, yes you do.”

The second he said it everything in her head finally clicked.

Anything she wanted really could be hers.

The first few work ‘trips’ and ‘meetings’ after that night killed her. Her love for Bucky was still so strong and the guilt ate her alive.

But Mr. Barnes promised her that what she was doing would be for him, too. It was good for the both of you, he had said. And Ashlyn believed him.

She had to convince Stark and Pymm for a percentage of their company's proceeds and it was up to her. She hated that she was spending more time away from her boyfriend and she noticed how much it was tearing them apart.

But it was strange because part of her was no longer depressed. She finally felt beautiful and happy, like she was meantfor something.

She felt wanted.

Her happiness soon became bigger than the pain she felt for cheating on Bucky. He still loved her anyway.

He wouldn’t leave her.

Her escapades with Hank had been brief and almost felt pointless.

For the most part, he’d just lay there beneath her like the old man he was and let her ride him until his body jerked.

She’d go back to Barnes’ shower and scrub her skin until it was raw, almost certain that with the way their sex was going it wasn’t going to turn into a good result.

They weren’t going to get the percentage Barnes Enterprises was hoping for.

To say she was surprised when Mr. Barnes told her they’d gotten forty percent of the gross pay, after their disappointing fuck fest, was an understatement.

Maybe she was better than she thought.

Maybe Bucky was right, she really was perfect.

Then she met Tony.

She thought that what she had with Bucky was true love until Tony.

Unfortunately, it was unrequited.

She had been shattered at the thought of what she had allowed her heart to feel and what she had ruined. When Bucky had run out that night to God knows where, she had finally had a taste of her own medicine. And it was fucking bitter.

She needed Bucky in her life. He was her guardian angel.

But she also needed to do it for her health. She couldn’t risk the chance of Bucky finding out about what she had done and and leaving her with nothing.

She was afraid of what would happen to her sanity.  

So her and Mr. Barnes came up with a plan. It would not only help salvage the company but it would keep Ashlyn at peace. After all, he’d convinced her that she was mentally stronger at keeping a better financial outcome for the company than Bucky ever would.

His thought process was too logical, hers was more practical.

The moment she promised herself that she would no longer cheat was exactly four years ago, about a year into their marriage.

Her change of heart was mainly because there was no longer a reason for it, she had the money she needed, THEY had it all.

She tried so hard to love him again and to make him love her again.

And one day, it almost seemed like they did.

It almost seemed too good to be true. And now, they had a baby on the way.

This was their second chance.

She thought for many nights of asking Bucky about the one night he ran out on her many years ago. She thought about asking where it was he had ran to, but she knew she couldn’t handle it.

She was thankful he never brought it up again.

For a while, everything seemed great.

Until you showed up again, the so-called light of her life.

It was like Bucky’s switch flipped and it had been how it used to be five years ago.

And that’s how she ended up at Steve’s front door.

It didn’t take more than three persistent knocks for the door to swing open.

She was met with Steve’s distraught expression which quickly turned into shock.

“Ashlyn.”

Ashlyn was momentarily stunned as she looked back at the face that she hadn’t seen in years.

“Steve.”

Steve swallowed hard as his eyes darted down her body, his grip on the door tightening.

“What are you doing here?”

“I think you know why I’m here.”

Multiple possibilities swam through Steve’s head and a strange fear that he couldn’t place crept up his spine.

He tilted his head.

“I can’t talk right now—“

“Like hell, you can’t, Rogers.”

Ashlyn had moved up until her our hand was on his door, trying to pry it open. He stared up at her, eyes still bloodshot.

“What do you want?” He whispered painfully.

Her eyes were just as pained, “I need to talk to you, please.”

He looked at her for a second longer, contemplating if he would be able to handle another wave of drama after what he had just experienced in his now ex-girlfriend’s hotel room, before finally letting Ashlyn in.

“Please tell me what you were doing with Bucky.”

She says after he has the door closed. She notes the way the muscles in his back tense at her words, the heavy puff of air that escapes his lungs as his fingers flex against the wood of the door.

“Please, Steve. What don’t I know?”

“I-“ his breath catches in his throat as he plays back the image of his best friend and his girl next to a used condom, “You should call him.”

“He’d hiding something isn’t he?” Steve took in a deep breath as he ran a hand down his face, “Please, Ash—“

“Is it business-related, or does it have to do with something else?” Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, “You don’t know what I’ve been through, how hard I have tried to salvage our marriage. And just when I thought I had him back, he’s hiding something and I know it.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve mumbles as he turns around to make his way to the living room, walking right past Ashlyn with a stern face.

“If you’re sorry you would tell me what you know, you would tell me the real reason you left, you would explain to me-“

“Will you stop?”

His sudden shout shocks both of them. Ashlyn’s breathing hard as she sees the fresh tears sprung his eyes.

“I know it’s hard. It’s fucking hard, I know. But I’m not in the mood right now to be anyone’s psychologist or couples mediator. You want to know everything, why don’t you try communicating with your husband? Why don’t you ask him your damn self, Ashlyn?”  He watches as she started to cave into herself, eyes looking away from him in shame.

“I’m afraid.”

It comes out quietly. Steve’s sighs in disappointment - disappointment with himself for the way he snapped at you.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to ask something you secretly don’t want the answer to, and damnit, I feel horrible that I can’t be the one to speak to you about it. It has to be him.”

A few tears run down her face as they both stand there in silence.

Steve’s eyebrows dart up as he sees Ashlyn reach for the buttons of her wool coat, unbuttoning it slowly.

It isn’t until she has it draped over her right arm and she faces him completely -eyes darting towards her belly- that he realizes what she was showing him.

His eyes dart immediately to her stomach. If it wasn’t for her move or for where her gaze was, he wouldn’t have even noticed the small little bump.

He swallows thickly as many emotions course through his body.

“Are you…?” It comes out softly.

She nods.

He was angry at his best friend for doing what he did to his wife - his pregnant wife-, he was confused because did you know about this, and he felt pain for Ashlyn. For the betrayal, she would feel when she found out what Bucky did to her.

He felt pity.

Steve walked over to his couched and motioned for Ashlyn to follow him.

“Please.”

She became timid under his gaze as she brushed a few tears off her face.

“Tell me everything.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath and started from the beginning, but leaving out the inappropriate details that involved Mr. Barnes, Tony, and Hank.

“—I knew we were going through a rough patch, and it was mostly my fault because I was so busy with work, but he shouldn’t have given up on me so easily. I still tried so hard to fight for us, but something was distracting him. I don’t know what, I mean at one point I thought maybe he was even cheating on me- kissing some other girl on the side- but never actually fornicating. He’s too good.”

Steve’s gaze trailed down the side of the couch, his heart grew heavy.

“Right?”

Steve reached over and took Ashlyn’s hand in his, “I’m sorry you’ve both been going through all this. You don’t deserve it. But I can’t tell you what I know.” “Why?” “Because it’s not my place. But you need to talk to him as soon as possible,” Steve ran his hand through his hair, “I can’t stand that son of a bitch right now, but at the end of the day,  I can’t get it out of my head that he’s still that same little boy I grew up with. I want to hate him so much, but I still have some kind of respect that I just can’t shake.”

“What happened between both of you, if it doesn’t relate to me? You seem shaken up.”

Steve was caught off guard by her questions.

“Look, I think you should go—“

Steve stood up quickly before the tears could make its way up his throat.

“Steve-“

“Please take care of yourself, Ashlyn.”

“It’s so hard not being able to touch you,” you whimper when you get a chance to pull away from his mouth, “But we can’t. Not until we tell her.”

His fingers continued to trail down your chin and you got lost in his touch again.

“James.”

You whimpered softly. You were hypnotized by his presence as he leaned in to kiss you.

You kissed him back deeply, moaning the second his tongue flicked against yours.

You ran your left hand up through his hair and your leg wrapped around his waist. He groaned as he ground up against you.

“Just once more.” He whimpered into the soft skin of your neck.

“We can’t keep doing this—“ your hands drifted down to the buckle of his belt, “we can’t.”

You continued to open up his fly.

He was panting while he looked down at what you were doing.

“Then stop,” he met your eyes in an intense stare that left you shaking, “I dare you.”

Your only response was to raise yourself higher onto your elbows, grabbing him in a harsh kiss.

“One more time.” You breathed out.

He kissed you again and again.

You shuddered as you felt the tips of his fingers on the waist of your jeans and underwear.

Your kisses began to get heated and you had to physically pull yourself away from him.

“Bucky, wait.”

“What’s wrong?” “We’re good people, but look at what we’re doing to the people around us. I love you so much, but I can’t keep doing this knowing that they are still hurting.”

“So what do you suggest we do?” “We need to speak to Steve. We need to explain everything. And then Ashlyn needs to know.” You watched as he visibly swallowed hard. You reached for his left hand and played with the ring there, “I can’t keep having sex with you when you’re still married to her.”

“You’re right. No, I agree.”

You’re both sitting next to each other and Bucky reaches over to grab his leather coat when a vibrating sound startles the both of you. Your eyes furrow together as an unknown caller comes up on the screen.

“Hello?” “Why hello to you, too.” “Nat?”

Yours and Bucky’s eyes meet briefly.

“The one and only.”

Nat sits in a coffee shop, and she twirls the edge of her mug with a pointer finger. Across from her is Wanda, her face in her hands.

“How have you been? You cut me off and not even an “I miss you” either?”

You let out a long sigh, guilt consuming you.

“Look, Nat. Its been a hard five years,” your eyes flicker up to Bucky again and he gives you a sad look, “I’m sorry, I do miss you. I missed all of you.”

“Listen, tell Bucky I need to steal you for tonight. He wouldn’t mind now would he?” Nat smirked while Wanda groaned into her hand.

You’re shocked, and you’re quite positive Bucky heard her judging by his equally stunned face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You add in a fake/nervous laugh for extra measure.

“Who do you think sent Barnes after you in the first place?” You don’t answer still shocked, “Tonight, come out to dinner with me and my friend. We have a plan. I’ll text you details.”

She hangs up on you and you're left fazed and confused as you look down at your phone.

“What was that?” Bucky asks concerned.

“Nat wants to meet up with me tonight. She says she has some sort of plan.” “Plan for what?” “I have no idea.”

Bucky nods. He’s just got his shows slipped on when he walks over to you, planting a deep kiss on your swollen lips.

You part them slightly, letting your hand go to the back of his neck, pulling him in deeper into you.

When you both pull away he smiles at you,

“Everything will be fine. You go meet Nat, as I’m sure she misses you just as much as you miss her. I think I’m gonna go to talk to Steve.” “Are you sure?”

Bucky nodded, “Yeah. Bro to bro.”

Steve knew that by the second time that evening if one more person were to knock crazily on his front door, he would burn his apartment down along with his body.

He was so exhausted he didn’t even care to look through the peephole before ripping it open.

What he was face to face with was the last thing he was expecting.

He sucked in a deep breath through his nose.

He didn’t hesitate before shutting it closed again in Bucky’s face.

“Come on, man.” Bucky sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He raised his hand and knocked once more, “Please.”

Steve remained silent, back leaned up against his door.

“I know all of this is a mess, but I want to explain myself. It’ll make sense if you just let me talk,” Steve’s eyes closed tight together, “Steve, please.” Bucky leaned his hand down to the doorknob and jiggled it, “Come on. You’re my best friend.”

Steve let his back drag down the door, bringing his knees to his chest.

Bucky took a deep breath, “Fine. I’ll talk and you can listen.”

__

@wxntersoldxer16 @void-imaginations @heykarsyn @avashroom @sarcastic-and-cool @lunaticbarnes @benhardygalileo @wildmavs @runaway-escape @stevieboyharrington @kimvmarvel @chipilerendi @hardygal69 

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Boys when my baby found me I was three days on a drunken sin I woke with her walls around me Nothin' in her room but an empty crib

[swiftlythebest]

In Defense of Lake Meriwether

All right, strap in folks, we’re discussing an unpopular opinion! Lake Meriwether is not a bad character and she goes through some realistic growth. Additionally, she and Felix are shown good development and I ship it. Yikes, lots of unpopular opinions in so few sentences. 

Sidenote before I delve into everything: there is certainly a danger in media made for children and young adults being looked at through the lens of someone not in that target audience. I am 26, meaning the way I’m going to consume media differs from that of a teenager, especially considering that we’re apparently in different generations (which is weird, but that’s a whole other story). All of that is to say that I am an adult talking about a piece of media made for teenagers by older adults. It’s complicated, and I am in no way claiming that what I have to say is universally correct.

This whole whatever it is ended up being really long, so I’ll put it under a cut. Also, I know a lot of people probably won’t want to read it.

Sense of Identity

First of all, let’s keep in mind that Lake is 15/16. I have no idea how old people reading this post are, but if you’re older than 16, and out of high school, try to remember how you were at that age. Your brain hasn’t fully developed and much of your sense of self comes from interactions with your family and peers, not so much the world at large. That’s certainly altered by the widespread reach of social media, but someone that age is still navigating identity and their place in the world with limited experience. We can’t expect a girl who has grown up in a privileged bubble to be a bastion of morality. We can’t hold her to the same standard we would a full-fledged adult. She acts like a typical 15/16 year old who is insecure and trying to hide it while living in the shadow of her best friend. 

And hey, it’s true, Lake is primarily known as Mia’s best friend. Mia is described by Felix as the hottest girl in their grade and loved by everyone. Mia has the affection of the cute new boy, as well as the popular jock that Lake initially likes. I’m glad they don’t fall into the trap of making that friendship toxic and unbalanced, which is so often the case. I think within their friendship, they are very much equals who love and value each other. But to the public, Mia is more liked than Lake, and she is definitely at least somewhat aware of that. Lake is not Summer Roberts or Lydia Martin in the sense that she is not viewed as a highly desired person in the same way those other two characters are; she is viewed that way by the nerdy love interest, but not the student population as a whole. There are definitely parallels to be made with Summer and Lydia (Summer especially when you consider the intense similarities between Lake’s speech about public couples being scrutinized and Summer’s incredibly similar speech to Seth in Season 1), but that’s not one of them.

Lake’s mom sucks. It’s clear that Lake has grown up in a household where her every move was judged and she was made to see more flaws in herself than she had. Think about how that must have affected her psyche and pressured her into believing that who she was to the public was what truly mattered. That’s ingrained in her. We see that almost immediately with her being obsessed with Creek Secrets and trying to make herself more appealing to Andrew at the party. I’m not sure she knows who she actually is, just who she’s been molded to be. She wants approval and in the beginning, it’s clear she really only gets that from Mia and Felix, albeit, the latter is from afar.

Importance of Friendship

Once she and Mia begin to hang out with Victor and Felix, she begins to shift. We do see it even before when she confronts Andrew at the Battle of the Bands, showing us that she at least in some way knows her worth, but I’m not sure how much at that point. Victor and Felix add a new dynamic to her friendship with Mia and give her more people to genuinely think she’s great and make that known to her. While she’s still clearly insecure, we can see that start to chip away. When she impresses them with her excuses, something she’s likely only done to Mia so far, you can see how their approval makes her light up. And Felix’s compliment is quite possibly the first step towards her developing feelings for him.

DJ F Bomb on the Track

So we’ve now arrived to the Felix of it all. I want to say that I absolutely love Felix. I think he’s funny and sweet and a great friend; he was my favorite right off the bat and that opinion was only reinforced as the series progressed. Our first introduction to Felix is outside of whatever image he has at school and with his peers. We are told about his status as an outcast by him a few scenes after we’ve gotten to know him, so we already have formed our opinion of him beyond his public image. We know he’s quirky and anxious, but it comes across as endearing; the audience doesn’t know that his unique personality is not the main thing working against him. To Lake, and a vast majority of his peers, he’s Lonestone, an awkward and weird boy who doesn’t fit in and has a truly unfortunate nickname and reputation. We don’t have five years of taunting to affect how we view him. The audience view of Felix versus his peers’ view is important to distinguish when talking about why Lake is so hesitant.

Felix initially comes on too strong. He recognizes that in Episode 7 and, with the help of Pilar, he learns to back off a bit. The angler fish speech is sweet, but was I the only one a little put off by how obsessive it sounded? He’s saying someone should sacrifice everything for the one they love, which is a lovely sentiment in a fairytale, but a bit much when you’re 16. His growth isn’t as explicit as hers, but he still does have to soften his approach in order to really make it work.  And I want to be clear that while Felix is definitely a better person than Lake, I’d caution to say he’s a better character, in the sense of complexity and growth. I like him more, as I think pretty much everyone does, but Lake is a layered character with logical development, which shouldn’t be overlooked because you may not like her as a person. 

It’s supposed to be Felix for her. We as an audience, as well as Felix, know it when she says the same thing he said about DJs in episode 3. She catches on a couple of episodes later after they steal the cake, but she’s clearly in denial. Lake likes Felix. And she seems to like him more and more as the season progresses. But he doesn’t fit into that perfect image she has spent so long cultivating and trying to maintain, so she’s having to come to terms with that throughout their relationship. When she shoots him down for the dance after seeing his apartment, you know she doesn’t want to. It’s clearly killing her to say it, but she’s not there yet. And Felix knows his worth so he ends it, which also clearly kills her.

She told him upfront that no one could know, and she repeats it a lot. He can walk away if he’s not comfortable with that, and we do see him almost do that in episode 8, until she tells Mia. He’s right to want to revisit that part of their relationship around the dance, and especially after baring his soul to her at his apartment. He’s right to break it off when, after such an emotional afternoon for them, she still won’t be seen with him. He’s right to accept an invitation from another girl. His reaction is completely valid. 

She doesn’t expect to be jealous at the dance because she thinks it’s the natural progression of things. Kieran is the kind of boy she always saw herself with: a popular jock. And then he’s boring. He talks about working out and fantasy football and it’s boring. She can’t be herself with him. Then there’s Felix, at the dance with another girl who seems to make much more sense paired with him. He’s wearing a goofy ruffled shirt and joking about the smell of his hair and telling Lake he just wants her to be happy. I think she needed to see that what she thought she wanted she actually didn’t, and also that the boy she liked genuinely cared about her as a person, not just an object of desire. He makes her happy, something I’m not sure she had fully admitted to herself until that moment. And yeah, the big public declaration of love is a huge cliche and overdone and all that, but it works so very well in visual media.

Conclusion?

Look, all of this mess is to say that Lake is not a bad person, nor is she a bad character. We all latched onto Felix pretty quickly, so naturally, our standards for him were going to be sky-high. But in a show of tropes, this relationship was obvious from the start. Lake felt authentic, like a scared teenage girl navigating her self-esteem, public image, overbearing mother, and falling for someone unexpected all at the same time. She grows and develops, learning to go for what truly makes her happy, not what she thinks should make her happy. 

TL;DR: Lake is a complex, realistic portrayal of an insecure teenage girl with an overbearing mother, who spends a lot of time in her best friend’s shadow. She’s in denial of her true feelings for Felix for a while, going so far as to sabotage something she knows is good and right in order to continue to feel secure. By the last episode, she has grown and learned enough to understand her own autonomy when it comes to her happiness. We should all cut her a little bit of slack and let the immature 16-year-old be immature and 16, while learning how to be just a bit more mature.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE02, Ep20

This is a buildup ep for yuki’s confession, like most buildup eps in furuba they kinda seem awkward & a bit stretched, but overall this one is not bad. 

-The theme of “ letting go” & tohru:

Tohru needs to Not only let go of her excessive attachment to her mom, but also, of treating yuki as needing of much help all the time. tohru’s is the mother friend for all, she tends to care for everybody, however, since she lives with yuki, this instinct fire up & she provides care, nurture, support & worry lots abt him since she knows the sohma’s abuse. Their dynamics need to change as yuki is starting to depend on himself as equal leaving tohu’s nest, tohru needs to accept his change & support him differently from before. The analogy of yuki leaving the nest is also fitting of tohru’s need to focus on herself since her nest is now empty. Tohru has also been using her motherly care for others to avoid working/focusing on herself. I find it ironic that Arisa’s “ tohru come convince kyo, he doesn’t wanna be a prince” comes as tohru & yuki acknowledge the need of a modified dynamics between them & she sends him off with her “ do your best” instead of her usual “don’t overwork yourself”. She leaves him to go to kyo/her own personal life that she needs to focus on.

-The Endless Parallels:

As yuki is starting to open his lid to his pal, the focus is shifted to machi! I’m happy she’s back. Similar to kyo’s apology into tohru’s ears in Se01, machi was given the questionable behavior without explanation treatment to hook viewers & I’m hooked! I know I’ll love this girl. It was pretty clear that her & kakeru are yuki exclusive characters & if he’s the best buddy, she’s the love interest. To connect her with yuki, certain good parallels were hinted at from the beginning:

She always leaves a mess behind, yuki lives in a messy room.

She has to have traumatizing background in order to make her need yuki in her life cuz part of yuki’s wishes is to provide for someone who needs him the way kyo provides for tohru. Yuki is ready to give back, now that he’s healing. Machi is yuki’s person.

Her coping mechanism is a bit similar to yuki in SE01, she shuts herself from others, doesn’t talk much & is withdrawn. I love that they both have somewhat similar coping  mechanism regardless of the nature of heir trauma, it makes them both less ashamed of what they adopted to cope regardless if it’s wrong/harmful. 

 She has low self esteem & is shocked when someone notices her, very lonely which is why she noticed yuki’s loneliness since Day 1.

She saw through yuki’s resistance of his “prince” title. She’s perceptive in nature just like him.

She looks physically more similar to yuki than she’s to kakeru, her brother, (yuki’s family grayish hair/his mom’s /ayame’s long eyes). Not really fond of that, but no harm, I think it was done so she & yuki will have similar aesthetic & have similar color shades.

All these are amazing parallels above help connect characters together & build relationships. However, I’m kinda annoyed that the writer went over board with the parallels, to the point of semi-exact situation:

Machi & Kakeru are siblings who were not close at all due to abusive family attitude. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki.

Kakeru is the older brother & was able to stop his abuse cuz of his character or extreme behavior that saved him from being caged into the family’s grasp while machi, the younger, was unable to escape & isn’t free yet. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

Kakeru, the eldest, is trying hard to reach out to his sibling & aid her as much as he can but fails due to his insensitive character or his failure to see where she stands. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

In their relationship, kakeru is the extreme, bubbly & bigger than life character while machi is the vulnerable, silent, withdrawn one. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

This is a ton load of parallels that is not much needed to make machi suitable for yuki. I know that the writer is aware that machi is introduced late into the story, & is eager to flesh her out to be loved, but I don’t think that adding all these similarities to yuki’s life is the way to go. In the contrary, it makes her seem like a female version of him without the curse. Machi should be fascinating without yuki or kakeru. I guess making her kakeru’s sister helps create situations of yuki knowing more abt her without her talking & can be used to redeem kakeru’s character if he was ever harsh to her the way ayame was cuz you bet kakeru will play matchmaker. but overall, it takes uniqueness from machi’s situation herself & draws more attention towards yuki & kakeru. More focus on what will yuki & kakeru do. I really love her form the few things I saw abt her & her reactions, but yeah, don’t mind me~ it was a fleeting feeling of disappointment. Oh well, it is what it is. I hope her own perspective of her situation is rewarding.

-Machi is NO weak woman:

She really isn’t! She took control of the situation when she noticed it needed quick intervention. That’s why, the first set of 6 parallels mentioned above is important for machi! She saw through yuki without needing to know abt the exact similarities of their abusive homes. You don’t need all that to see through someone who was in the darkness for years, cuz she too, must’ve been in the darkness as well! So, in unique fashion, she comes & destroys yuki’s walls. Don’t worry, I’ll save you. I see you.

-Cinderella ( what??):

I didn’t expect elementary school fairly tale to be chosen & I sure didn’t see the cast choices coming! XD I’m sure sth will happen & they’ll change cast. but It’s 100% awesomely spot on in a reversed manner!! So Ironic!

Yuki godmother means yuki in female dress???? similar to SE01, Momiji ep! poor yuki! plus godmother is a nonhuman character that is superior & grants wishes & yuki is considered stronger than normal human without training & despite weak health, all his skills are always extraordinary. But maybe becuz he’s nearly done healing/opening the lid, he’ll help the others now, godmother style. XD

Tohru is evil stepsister?? Tohru is kindness reincarnated! but perhaps tohru needs a hint of evilness to wake up for herself & be more assertive! plus tohru is considered evil by yuki’s fan club (there’s an entire ep dedicated for that lol).

Hana Cinderella?? The queen of darkness & eerie wave reports who can see right through humans will play the weak, powerless Cinderella. XD. But it suits her cuz she was once called witch when in reality she’s kind.

Arisa a prince! the woman who wants to be a model & is desperate to turn kureno’s head with her womanly charms & is dying for a kiss from him in their first meeting! XD. but it suits her as she used to be a gangster? XD.

Kyo the prince?! the most un-princely prince! kyo’s kindness & warmth is exclusive to kazuma & tohru, the rest of the world sees him as the always annoyed, easily teased, harmless dude! Princes are diplomatic with their words! kyo’s life would be over in a second if it depended on his words! XD. He depends on his physical body & actions to show affection & love. You want him to be shower girls with compliments the way princes do?XD. but it suits him in a way, cuz he stole the main female protagonist’s heart like in all fairy tales & he’s genuine with his affection. XD.

I want Cinderella play NOW! plz don’t change the cast!!

Side Note:

The ep started with yuki’s statement abt what he wants from tohru, however, failed to deliver an answer by the end. It is obvious that (a) the answer will be given once yuki explains himself (b) a tease to hook the viewers into waiting for yuki’s answer. However, it was badly done. Rather than giving anticipation, it gave a disappointing feel. It dragged a genuine & vulnerable moment for the entire ep for cheap hook by the end. It can be completely avoided by not opening the ep with yuki’s lines. The thrill/anticipation would’ve come 10 times stronger with his closing lines leaving viewers with “OMG, he’ll say it next ep!! rather than “ what? i was waiting for that all ep? man~, next ep perhaps?”. I duno what is the nature of the manga chapters. but there are times when it’s so clear to me (an anime-only) when the show adapts things via direct cut & paste rather than working them to suit the ep format. Generally, the show doesn’t know how to implement cliffhangers, so I really wish they avoid them altogether.

From the way he handled machi’s apology to his firmness with the chibi member, to his elaborated speech with kakeru, to his calmness inside the locked room & how the flashback didn’t affect him as much as I thought it would! yuki’s growth is 90% complete! =D! You go boy!

I gotta confess..I’m slightly disappointed that kakeru turned out to be another abuse survival child. I was loving the idea that yuki is connecting with someone via their own character/personality not shared past of similar experiences cuz there are TONS of those in furuba. Kakeru’s character with (mix kyo-ayame) & virtues/vices is a good balance for yuki, adding the abusive past is hinting that broken kids only befriends broken kids which isn’t true. Plus this means that all young characters “with importance to the plot” must be abused one way or another... I know furuba has a theme..but you don’t have to make it part of every important character. I still love kakeru tho. but if kimi turned out to be ANOTHER abused child, I’m quitting furuba! XD..jokes..

[dangermousie]

So, I restarted The Story of Minglan (hello, timesuck aka my favorite drama of all time) and it’s even better this time around because when I watched it for the first time, I had no idea who any of these people were and there were a ton of them so I was floundering for the first few eps just trying to figure out who was who and how they were related to each other.

Honestly, it feels like meeting old friends again, even with negative characters like Concubine Lin.

But OMG Baby Minglan and Baby Ting Ye are ADORABLE!!!!

I think the best thing this adaptation did was introduce Ting Ye into the story from the beginning. I am reading the novel now and since it’s mainly from Minglan’s POV, we don’t really get much of Ting Ye until he comes a-courting, but the makers rightly decided this would make the drama unbalanced, especially since it’s not really limited to Minglan’s POV the way the novel is (also frankly, if you cast Feng Shao Feng as your male lead, you are wasting him if you are not using him to the fullest.) Plus, they added a number of interactions between them, which I love so much SO MUCH but even with that, their narratives run largely parallel for about a third of a story and it really works somehow!

Anyway, this was not in the novel but I adore it - oldest Sheng sister is getting married and the dummy third brother is gambling with Ting Ye in the arrow game on the betrothal geese (which wtf third bro, you are a dummy!) and he’s about to lose badly and lose face for the family until Minglan saves the day.

When I first watched this drama, I didn’t have many thoughts on this - how could I have, I had no idea who any of these people were. But now, I kind of love how it encapsulates both their characters and their future relationship - Minglan here has not yet learned to hide her talent the way she conceals it later, but it’s interacting with Ting Ye that allows her to bring it out. And the other thing to note is Minglan here doesn’t do it to show off (the way Molan would for example), she does it to help her family and to help her oldest sister. That characteristic of caring for those who show her love is going to remain with her, but she will get a lot more cautious with her heart after her mother’s death and seeing firsthand how her father cares for nothing as much as his own comfort. She is a warm, sweet, loving child and it’s sad to see it all being covered by layers of propriety and self-protection and prudent concealment, until her marriage actually allows it to bloom again (I honestly think that the healthiest thing she’s even done since a grown up was near the end, screaming like a fishwife at Tingye and spitting at him (and then smooching the life out of him lol) - in front of her household and his soldiers and not giving a damn about the propriety of her actions or the audience.)

And with Tingye? He has something most male characters lack in their world - genuine good nature that is not concerned with face as much as it is with doing what he thinks is the right course. He is that unusual combo of laid back yet strong-willed. I mean, think about it - even someone as righteous as Changbai or Qi Heng would not tolerate losing the game to a little girl and is so very concerned with propriety in general - we see how they behave in various circumstances later. (And we are not even gonna get into the wide variety of problematic men in this drama and how they would act.) But while the game is an impulsive choice (and Tingye can be hella impulsive and, until life beats it out of him, manipulated, just as he got manipulated into the game by the Uncle), he loses to a little girl so good-naturedly! I mean, think about it, in that society, as a young man (and those are especially touchy about their prowess and ability and honor and what not), he loses to a little girl! And it does not bother him at all and his whole attitude is “well played!” Not just that, when he throws those arrows last, when he’s by himself and nobody is watching and the game is long over, he’s clearly very very skilled. But he doesn’t care if people know it or not as long as he knows it about himself, and that is Tingye in a nutshell. Just as later as adults, he loses to her in polo and he is fine with that. That is so freaking freaking rare.

Just as the way he makes friends with Changbai - he apologizes wholeheartedly and explains himself and he manages to win over the starchiest of the starchiest into a lifelong friend.

Honestly, his horrible family are a bunch of complete idiots, especially his awful father. At least his stepmom is not related to him and pushing her own kid, I get that, she doesn’t care what Tingye is like. But his father is his biological father and he is so blinded by resentment towards Tingye’s mother (a resentment that is really his own guilt for being weak) that he can’t even see what kind of son he actually has.

Damn, I am writing a freaking dissertation so I should stop.

[impalementation]

so i just finished rhonda wilcox's essay on hush, and she comments that - much like angel the episode predicts what will happen to buffy and angel - hush predicts that riley will go on to rip buffy's heart out by becoming part of a patriarchal institution (wilcox does a lot of work establishing what the gentlemen represent and focuses on the moment in buffy's dream where riley turns into one of them). (1/2)

(2/2) so my question for you is do you see that any one episode cleanly predicts the path spike and buffy eventually go down together? and if there isn't, how does that deviation from the pattern affect the reading of the spuffy dynamic, if it does at all?

hmm, really interesting question. sorry it took me a while to answer! the thing about the spike/buffy dynamic is that we know a lot of it wasn’t planned out. i don’t have links to interviews at the tip of my fingers, but it’s something i’ve seen mentioned multiple times. that they didn’t know that spike would fall in love with buffy until starting season five, but that it was like they’d been writing to it all along. which means that we’d need to look to season five to find a thesis statement episode for the relationship. in which case, as obvious as it might sound, i think the episode we’re looking for is fool for love.

here’s why. i’ve talked about the spike/buffy storyline as being about both boundaries and the id before. but actually perhaps the more obvious thing to say their relationship is about, is power dynamics. and what power dynamics mean for love. and fool for love is all over that.

first, what fool for love does is it establishes spike as someone who wants two different things. he wants power and confidence, and he wants to be loved. when he becomes a vampire, he is able to find that power and confidence through violence. instead of caring about the opinions of his peers, he puts railroad spikes through their heads (or is implied to, anyway). his relationship to love and women is also all wrapped up in violence. heartbreak leads directly to him becoming a vampire, and therefore a soulless killer. drusilla turns him (a violent act), delights in his violence, and sexually responds to him killing the chinese slayer. more importantly, i don’t think you can or should get away from the imagery of slayer-killing as well, the violent conquest of powerful women. i see people claim that if slayers were men, then spike would be just as obsessed with killing them, that he just loves violence for the sake of violence. but whether or not that claim is accurate, i think it misses the fact that this is buffy, in which so much of the horror is various, more or less supernatural, versions of violent misogyny. so while i agree that spike is a person who takes glee in destruction of all kinds—his love of killing demons, “a little violence before bed time”, etc—and is not specifically obsessed with destroying women for being women the way, say, the trio (or ted, or pete, or etc) are…he does, nonetheless, relate to women in ways that we are meant to see as bitter and resentful or otherwise messed-up. his treatment of harmony, his frustration at dru leaving him, and of course everything in crush. that’s sort of the contradiction of him. he genuinely loves women, and makes himself abject to them and to the act of loving, but he also genuinely has a messed-up relationship to all of that. in other words, whether or not spike at all cares about killing slayers because they’re women, it still matters, in terms of symbolism, that he is a man killing women. his relationship to killing slayers is undeniably sexually coded, too. everything from his innuendo and sexually loaded gazing in school hard, to him asking nikki if “this is good for [her]”, to him asking buffy if she’ll “like it as much as [nikki] did.”

with that in mind, i would say that the problem the show is trying to have spike resolve, and the reason that he’s the id of the later seasons, is that he has this sincere desire to love and be loved, as well as to generally be confident and appreciated, but the only tool he has—especially when it comes to slayers—is violence. ie, acts of domination and power. or at least, violence is the only tool that’s ever rewarded him. he was a doting caretaker to drusilla, yes, but he only got drusilla in the first place by becoming a murderous creature. and later lost her by “going soft.” killing a slayer made drusilla sleep with him, while helping a slayer made her leave him. so in total, you have this character with all of these very human yearnings, but who has them repeatedly frustrated, and so tries to fulfill them through monstrous, vampiric behavior—through acts of power. his instinct when he is in love is to be a doting, romantic lover, but his instinct with slayers is to kill them. so by loving buffy he is made to confront the contradictions in his attitudes towards women, love, and power.

one of the fundamental questions of buffy is “how do you act when you feel like you have no control?” and in fool for love, both buffy and spike are feeling out of control. buffy feels out of control of her mortality, and later out of control of her mother’s mortality. meanwhile spike feels out of control of his deviant feelings for a good person that he cannot have. both characters have a tendency to assert control through violence, which is one of the reasons that spike is such a good id for buffy. buffy is used to protecting herself and the people she loves by physically fighting things, and struggles every time that’s not an option (but also struggles with what she thinks it says about her, that she is so intimate with violence). so in fool for love she goes to spike hoping that he’ll give her some sort of violence-related answer to her problem. she wants to know how he killed the other slayers, so that she can physically protect herself. moreover, she repeatedly manhandles him to get that information. meanwhile spike tries to seductively intimidate her, playing up his physical dangerousness, and ends up offering her a violence-related answer that she realizes she doesn’t actually want: him killing her. except that answer is as much about him as her. spike doesn’t really want to kill buffy, he wants to kiss her (or to be fair, let’s say he at least wants both), but when it comes to interacting with slayers, all he has is that language and mindset of violent conquest. so spike tries to assert control over buffy (“you know you want to dance”) and buffy responds by asserting control right back (“you’re beneath me”). she wins the contest of wills, and establishes herself as the person with more power in their dynamic. for all spike’s posturing all evening, buffy ultimately stands over him, dismissively tossing cash at him.

but the episode does not finish on that note. instead, it finishes with buffy feeling powerless yet again in the face of her mother’s sickness. spike goes to buffy, standing over her with a gun, intending to reclaim his power in the way he knows best: killing a slayer. but ends up as powerless in the face of his emotions as ever. instead of ending on an unbalanced power dynamic, the episode ends with buffy and spike on the same level, equally bowed by the weight of the feelings that they can’t control. neither standing over the other. neither asserting power over the other.

all of which is, in my opinion, their entire arc in microcosm. their story is the story of two people who struggle to relate to each other in a way that isn’t fraught with issues of power, especially sexual, gendered power. and who eventually, with up and downs, succeed. over the course of season five, spike lets go of more and more of his control. in crush, he’s tempted to return to his vampiric ways—keep in mind that for spike vampirism is associated with empowerment—and tries to literally shackle up the women he loves. which ends badly. in intervention he tries to cheat by only controlling a fake version of buffy. but that ends badly too. it’s only when he gives up control in the gift and doesn’t try to get in buffy’s house, that buffy begins the process of equalization by letting him in. using fool for love as a model, you might say that spike spends the season learning over and over how to set down his gun, to let go of the idea of an upper hand, and respond with his more humane and caring half.

but their dynamic is still very uneven. spike letting go of his power is not the same as them being equal. and season six digs into why that’s a problem if two people are involved. if fool for love is the spike/buffy arc in microcosm, then i would say that the alley scene is their season six arc, and the porch scene is their season seven arc. in season six, both spike and buffy feel out of control the way they felt in fool for love, and try to regain that control by playing violent power games with each other. even if it’s not what they actually want. spike’s intimidation/seduction during the alley scene reminds me a lot of his attempts to keep buffy at his level during their sexual relationship, because he thinks he can’t have her otherwise. buffy having a death wish, buffy belonging in the dark, etc. the ambiguity about whether spike fully believes what he’s saying, and is trying—in his vampiric way—to be helpful, or whether he’s bullshitting, seems similar in both situations too. meanwhile buffy’s flustered violence towards him (slamming him against things, choking him), reminds me of her side of their sexual relationship. she feels freaked out about her mortality, just as she feels freaked out about her “deadness” in season six, and turns that into conflict with spike (note how in both instances spike is a figure of a death, and buffy is reckoning with death). the scene then ends, just as their season six relationship does, with spike pushing buffy because he thinks she feels something (“come on, i can feel it slayer”), and buffy decisively pushing him away. revealing to spike that he’s misread their interaction.

season seven then is about the mutual laying down of arms. if season six is about love as a power struggle, then season seven is about love in the absence of power struggles. the implication is that letting go of power struggles and uneven dynamics is necessary for genuine and healthy love to develop. i’m very interested in the choreography of buffy and spike’s scene in touched. spike starts out above her, standing while she sits on the bed. then he kneels so he’s below her. then they end up on the same level on the bed together. much as they ended up on the same level on the porch in fool for love. they are not trying to take power from each other. spike gives his power. and so she stops looking down on him, stops trying to keep him at a hierarchal distance, and invites him to her level.

(there’s a parallel there with smashed, too. both scenes take place in an abandoned house, but instead of crashing to the basement and missing any sort of bed, they are in an upper-level bedroom together. and the next day she returns home—ie, returns to herself—empowered, rather than bruised and ashamed. in other words, their interaction was an affirmation of self rather than a destruction of self. in a relationship that is a power struggle, people will end up dragging each other down to the basement, in a race to the bottom. whereas in a relationship that is not, people elevate each other.)

honestly, for all that i understand why people don’t like it, i do think it’s a pretty potent storyline for a season that claims it’s “about power,” but turns out to be about sharing power. the bait-and-switch of thinking that power is about violence and control, when it’s actually about generosity, is basically the whole spike and buffy dynamic. both spike and buffy often think that violence is the only way to solve their problems, but yearn for things that don’t involve violence in the slightest. so for them to finish the season and the show peaceably sleeping in each other’s arms, on the same level? it strikes me as a very coherent resolution of their arc as a whole.

so, there’s your answer. fool for love. i also think it’s telling that in fool for love spike noticeably supplants riley in importance, and occupies buffy’s attention. which predicts the fact that he will ultimately replace riley as a sexual/romantic interest.

[potatoesandsunshine]

Campaign 2 Wrap Up: Anna Potatoesandsunshine Edition

Seemed like it would be fun to go through all the fan content I made for this campaign and try to find at least one thing I like about each thing! Kind of like looking back through a photo album. Under the cut because as it turns out, I wrote kind of a lot! (As in, 21 fics and 3 playlists kind of a lot!)

the sea, once it casts its spell (fjord speculation, what’s up with all this ocean stuff?? the fic)

The first thing I wrote for c2, wayyy in the beginning of things. We had no idea about Uk’otoa or Avantika or anyone at this point, it was pure ocean vibes for my favorite warlock. I really like how hard I leaned in on the “the ocean follows Fjord to land” idea.

so many things will fill my life (but only one will do) (post-campaign cali/jester fluff, written the night of the cali episode and so sweet it could rot your teeth)

This one is just good. I just did good with this one. I’m one of those people who hates their own work the night of posting and then when looking back at it goes, “Wow, this is great.” My favorite thing is the little gifts sent along with the letters! Cali was so fun and cute :)

when the dust does roam (Beau study up to Episode 42, 2k words of Beau poking at the idea of grief)

Best thing I did in this fic was have Caleb-through-Frumpkin bugging Beau about getting some sleep. They really... they’re siblings, your honor. 

“  “Fuck off, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Beau picks the bird up and sets him in the hood of her own cloak, out of reach of any weasels or startled monks in the morning. It’d suck to have to tell Caleb that his Frumpkin got eaten by Sprinkle.” C’mon guys, let’s do the sibling dance.

keep your swords out by your sides (the idea for this was, What If Fjord Has Nightmares From Uk’otoa Every Night and just doesn’t remember them)

Assigning everybody a word Uk’otoa had said for each nightmare in this was a challenge; I went into it knowing I wanted Caleb for Learn and Caduceus for Consume and had to guess the rest - for an angry eye snake Uk’otoa didn’t give us a ton of quotes. 

“ He reaches over and runs a hand along the wall of the ship. From his touch, mushrooms begin sprouting.” Caduceus starting to decompose the Mistake in the middle of cooking was maybe the best moment in this story for me. Like, yeah. Yeah. Ok you funky little grave cleric.

strange but not a stranger (Caleb & Jester, in the immediate aftermath of Caleb’s charm in Episode 55)

the first of my “the Mighty Nein won’t have these conversations with each other in canon so they have to be had in fic” ideas that turned into a full-fledged story. I still had not discovered the em dash at this point, so the formatting of this makes me cringe a little bit, but this fic was really about The Emotions Of Being Out Of Control which turned out to be a very big Thing for the Mighty Nein.

now this story was when swords were humble (fake academia mixed with a Yasha study)

Honestly I’m still obsessed with the AU I made here where Yasha was just awakening every sword she used without knowing it?? Why did I use that here only?? That might come back. But the best part about this fic is the citations; me at my most in-joke and ridiculous.

through the teeth of this tempest (Written in the immediate aftermath of Episode 69, Yasha internally trying to break Obann’s control over the course of a month.)

The most “I wrote this to cope with canon” fic out of all of them. I was crying writing this, I was so upset that Yasha was gone ugh just remembering it. Still waiting for past me to discover the em dash, I genuinely don’t know why I didn’t know how to do it and I’ve thought about going back and editing all of these but I’m just Not Gonna Do All That. Anyway, I really like how Yasha catches lightning with her sword in this. We all really manifested that happening.

nothing more than what the losers settle for (Time travel, a series of oneshots where each member of the m9 sans Caduceus went back to a different point in the timeline and murdered Trent Ikithon)

This was my longest fic for c2, so I’m mostly just glad it got finished. This happened somewhere around the time Matt released that set of notes that mentioned Trent in more detail and I hated him so much I just had to write him dying six times. That speaks for itself.

Revolutionary!Fjord was also a good turn. He could pull it off, I think.

we’re gonna show ‘em a thing, or two, or three (Jester growing up fluff!)

I really like how I did Jester & Artagan in this, even though he barely appears. Someone better at songwriting than me please write the Dragon Song. Em dash makes an appearance here but the formatting is still wrong. I Am Once Again Asking For Proper Use Of The Em Dash.

the best things (happen while you’re dancing) (Mid-Episode 97 Divergence, Jester taking the reins at the party + hints of jester/beau/yasha bc i still love my girls so much)

Jester’s a little out of character in this, but not wildly so, and it was for the purposes of a Trapped By Societal Convention plot that I wanted her to mastermind so I think it was fine in the end. I’m still fascinated by the way she unbalanced Ludinus Da’leth in basically every interaction they had, and while their scene feels pretty cliche in this... the cliches are there for a reason. They’re so fun to write.

Em dash my beloved, there you are.

plus thirty-one varieties of sacramental wine (The Galavant crossover that truly nobody asked for, Beau + the monks)

Yeah, this one’s just fun. Not much more to say about it. Critical Role and Galavant are both fantasy, but they’re honestly pretty different in tone, and it was fun to write Beau dropped into a comedy musical.

oh we were sea-bound and aimless at best (Purely angst, a What If The Fjord & Orly Resurrections Didn’t Work fic)

Made myself care about Marius with this one, y’all. What more can I say? Beau having to go from first mate to captain was just... deliciously painful, because she would.

lost my shape trying to act casual (Beau & Yasha during travelercon, another mid-episode fic, this time of 104)

Yasha comforting Beau, who feels guilty for not feeling guilty... That Mighty Nein wasn’t lying, Mind Control and Autonomy can be themes. Another in the  “the Mighty Nein won’t have these conversations with each other in canon so they have to be had in fic” tank. They really just... didn’t open up to each other for a long time, which made sense, but I wanted them to.

so long as you don’t mind a little dying (Beau & Caduceus, sometime in the peace talks arc)

Keeping with the Mighty Nein Please Talk To Each Other theme, I feel like I did a pretty good job with the late-night conversation energy of this fic. This was at a time when I was looking at Caduceus, can opener in hand, ready to make this firbolg open up about his feelings. Beau in this is prickly and confrontational but only in service of her friend’s well-being.

amber light, bending (Eiselcross speculation, Widofjord and all the messiness therein)

THE widofjord fic of my two widofjord fics. The blueprint. The better one. Finally I got the dynamic figured out. I maintain that the tower is an absolute expression of Caleb’s love for his friends. The way that neither of them have the braincell in this fic... yeah this one is just good.

and a blade between them (Widofjord happening... sometime.)

Okay so this is not as good as amber light and I will never be able to look at it and like it as much, but it was still fun to write. Anyway, the intimacy of shaving someone else. That is good. The tag “if they didn’t want me to think about the blood pact they shouldn’t have made the blood pact” is the most useful takeaway from this fic and is the driving force behind the Fjord/Jester/Caleb fic I’m working on now, so it wasn’t a waste of time or anything.

feel the ground beneath my feet turn into the sky (Post-Campaign Astrid-retires-to-Nicodranas, Astrid/Jester)

This is another one where I’m like “Yeah, this is just good.” Packed full of Wizard Fashion, Artagan making an appearance to rope Astrid into having a happier future, and the power of Going To The Seaside. Good for you, fic-Astrid.

spend your days biting your own neck (Role-reversal where Beau is the one mind-controlled this time and Yasha is the one chasing after her, set very early in the Tomb Takers arc)

So much of this fic is about not saying things aloud - Beau’s POV spends a good chunk on body language and Yasha writes multiple letters on paper and in her own head - but devotion bleeding through anyway because there’s nowhere else for it to go. The two of them go tumbling over a cliff together at the end but Yasha has wings, ugh. Yeah this was a good one.

and blow the dry leaves from the tree (Somewhere before the beauyasha date but otherwise timeline-nonspecific Nicodranas, Yasha & Yeza become friends)

Yasha & Yeza making pancakes together when neither of them know how to do so... is good. This fic is very much about grief sneaking in, but it’s even more about finding someone to share the moment with you. I think these two have more in common than we think.

oh, lend a mending hand (Caleb & Caduceus during Beau’s tombstone meditation in Episode 130)

I wrote this entire fic as an excuse for Caleb and Caduceus to hug and it does what it says on the tin. Got em.

it’s about the passing of measures (Beauyasha at the end of Episode 134, Aeor speculation)

This fic got extremely sidetracked because I rediscovered the marble machine during it and I do not apologize for that. I still really like the idea that Aeor as a whole, not just the Cognouza, is somewhat-alive. Too much magic and too much death for it to be anything else, in my mind. And I’m a sap for hurt/comfort.

the blumentrio playlist nobody asked for

If I think too much about how deep in each other these three people are I will cry. Made myself a soundtrack for those tears. 

the caleb playlist nobody asked for

what if this angsty wizard had a playlist of songs that mostly just... make me want to dance? that question was answered here.

the caduceus playlist nobody asked for

songs about home, leaving home, dying, changing, becoming someone new, coming home and finding it’s changed... this to me is caduceus.

yeah... this campaign has been fun!! I probably won’t stop making things about it; I still write about Vox Machina, for crying out loud, but... it feels good to lay it all out like this. It’s been a long few years, and it’s wild to be seeing the end of it now.

[astxlphe-fics]

Akutagawa’s (somewhat conflicted) feelings about Mori dressing him up // Moriaku 

Word count: ~1700

Content Warnings : boss/subordinate relationship, large age gap (20 years), unbalanced relationship, controlling behaviour 

“So—” Mori holds both dress shirts in from of him, pensive. “Red? Or blue?” 

“Black,” Akutagawa answers evenly, making the man pout. 

“Black is too classic,” he protests, soon cut off by the small girl by his side. 

“It’s boring.” Elise scowls, crossing her arms, blue eyes flashing Akutagawa a glare. “You’re both boring . And you—” She points an accusing finger at him. “Just choose already, he’ll be happy and we’ll get cake.” 

Akutagawa rolls his eyes at the frustrated girl, before focusing back on Mori. “Do I really need this? I already have clothes.” 

“Work clothes maybe,” Mori easily counters. He holds the marine blue shirt in front of Akutagawa’s chest and hums. “Too dark,” he decides, putting it away. 

“I still think this is ridiculous.” 

Reflexively, he almost apologies for his snippy tone when Mori turns back to him, an eyebrow raised in disbelief, but before he does, he catches himself. A year into a relationship that mainly happens behind locked doors at the office and he’s still not quite used how little...etiquette the man requires outside of work. 

At headquarters, there is no way to forget Mori is still his boss, but outside of it, in the man’s own home, there is almost nothing to remind him of this fact.  

“Don’t be like that, dearest, a little variety can’t hurt. You simply must let me take care of it. We are going to try those on—” Mori puts a new dress shirt of a much lighter blue, along with the red one, under his nose, “— and this outfit after.” 

Akutagawa glances at the outfit in question, then the pile of clothes he’s already tried on, and he wonders just how much clothes has the man bought — they’ve been at it for about two hours now.  

Mori, ever since the beginning of their relationship, loves dressing him up. He thought, at first, that it was only Elise — his ability, an extension of himself that he dresses up to suit his tastes. He was, of course, wrong, and Mori takes some special kind of joy in helping him dress. 

Looking down at the two shirts, identical save for the color, he winces at the cheerful blue of the first. “Not this one,” he decides, and Mori sighs, closes his eyes, and whines:  

“You and Elise are always so difficult ,” and really, Akutagawa doesn’t want to be difficult with Mori, he knows he’s lucky the man even looks at him, but still. Light blue.  

“Fine,” he relents, and Mori beams and waves his hand in Akutagawa’s direction. 

“Wonderful! Now, off with this.” 

Resigned, Akutagawa opens the shirt he’s currently wearing and slips out of it — there is no changing room, and besides he’s learned a while ago that there is no point in being any degree of self-conscious about his body around Mori. 

The scars are reminder of his much he’s survived and of all the way he still has to go to be better. It’s something private, something he doesn't particularly like anyone seeing. But it seems to Akutagawa that Mori enjoys looking at them, which is kind of weird and puts him under a scrutiny he would, with anyone else, avoid. More generally, he spends a lot of time watching him undress, and Akutagawa can’t genuinely say he dislikes it. 

Those eyes on him register every detail, remember every flaw with the same calm they take in everything else, and yet at no point does he say anything about it, about the scars and the bones clearly visible under his skinny frame. 

No one ever looked at him the way Mori Ougai does. It became, if he dares say it, nice.

The man extends one of the sleeves for Akutagawa to slide his arm in, then the other, and moves back to his front to close the buttons. The fabric is crisp and cool on his skin, sign that it’s either new or just out of the dry cleaner service he uses. 

“Good!” His boss looks through the dressing cabinet and comes out with a waistcoat. “For this one, I think black will do nicely.” He laughs lightly, to himself. “See? There is still black.” 

Mori hums appreciatively when he buttons the waistcoat up as well, and turns Akutagawa to the mirror so he can get a look — the blue pops out nicely, it’s true, but he can’t help but grimace again because, well. He doesn't think it’s really his color, and he doesn’t think he likes it, but then again Mori always knows better about those things. 

Being moved around like this makes Akutagawa somehow more aware of his own body than ever before.  

“You don’t like it.” Mori crosses his arm, frowning, dejected. “But you look so handsome— ” Akutagawa’s cheeks flush at the compliment, but he still shakes his head. 

“I think red might work better,” he tells him, attempting to not disappoint too much. Some time ago, he disliked the color red, but Mori loves it, so he made an effort and found it not so bad. 

(Just a bit more time and he might find himself fond of blue, too.) 

At those words, Mori perks up while Elise groans obnoxiously. She sends him a tired look, which he interprets as “hurry up ”, so he quickly undresses again and swaps the blue dress shirt for the red one, Mori still hovering around. When it’s done and Akutagawa turns to face him, he smiles kindly, smoothing out the lapel and tugging at the bottom of it to make sure it falls right. 

Then, he tilts Akutagawa’s chin up with the tip of his finger and raises the dress shirt’s collar, looping a white tie around his neck and tucking it into his waistcoat. 

“Red always suits you well.” He takes a step back, looking him up and down. “You should wear this tonight.” 

It sounds like a suggestion. Akutagawa knows it’s not — even if he says no, the man will badger him until he agrees.  

All of this — Mori’s hands on his wrist or his hips or his shoulders, covering him with another heap of fabric and deciding what he wears and how he styles his hair and what scent of shampoo or perfume he uses — used to be... overwhelming, but not anymore, he has gotten used to it.

Now, it distantly reminds him of the way Gin used to play with the doll he bought her for her twelfth birthday. The first new toy she ever had. Carefully dressed and cared for, proudly displayed, forgotten when it became worn and used and she grew too busy and too old to play with it. 

A small, rational part of him whispers he shouldn’t be so comfortable with it, with being someone's doll, that he should put a stop to it before every aspect of his life is subject to the man’s whims. 

Akutagawa doesn’t care. Shushes it. Gives in and lets himself be what makes Mori the happiest. He does have to be careful though, or he’ll soon see the day Mori discards him like Gin’s old doll.  

Besides, the clothes look better than anything Akutagawa could have come up with himself; he's not very good at choosing them. Better trust the man's tastes, Akutagawa’s own obviously being somewhat lacking.  

So, he nods. “I will.” 

Tonight is a formal affair, and if their little fitting session was originally to find Akutagawa new clothes he liked, as the day wore on it became more of a way to find him something to wear. Tonight, Mori speaks business with a foreign organization; and whether Akutagawa is supposed to be the arm candy or the bodyguard, he isn’t sure.  

Perhaps it’s both. It’s usually both. 

“Now, you’re just missing one little thing—” 

While he disappears again, Elise raises her head from where she’s slumped on the couch and gets to her feet, watching Mori’s chosen outfit. She blinks up at him and narrows her eyes, contemplating in silence for a few seconds. “Not half bad,” she decides, before she turns away, looking for her dress, which probably means Mori is satisfied with his choice. 

Not minding his presence, she pulls her own dress over her head. Akutagawa turns away to let her change into the new one on, until she tugs on his arm to show him. 

“Not half bad,” he says back to her, making her grin. 

It’s brand-new dress, red and black, matching with Akutagawa’s outfit, which he is sure is done on purpose, somehow. Mori gets a particular joy out of making them match, for reasons that escape him.

Walking around the room, he checks that the pants aren’t too tight and that the movements of his arms aren’t too limited. 

By the time he reaches the conclusion that everything is as comfortable as it should be, Mori comes back. Without missing a beat, he grabs his wrist, holding it up, deft fingers fixing glinting cufflinks to the end of his right sleeve, then his left.  

“There,” Mori tells him softly. “Perfect.” 

Before letting go, he presses a kiss on his knuckles and spins him around, and Akutagawa’s heart does a little jump, blood rushing to his face, his ears burning. 

He glances to the mirror again. “I look…fine,” he says quietly, and Mori offers a sharp, closed eyed, knowing smile and sneaks another a kiss under his ear, at the junction of his jaw.  

“Of course, you do.” 

With the way his eyes linger here and there, Akutagawa knows he’ll have wandering hands for the rest of the night. He doesn’t really mind it anymore— it feels strangely good to have someone willing to touch him this way, to kiss him, whispering praises and flattering words in his ear like he deserves them. 

 “Thank you.” Then: “Should I expect a fight?” Those clothes don’t offer much material to fight with, though he can still hide a weapon somewhere (a small gun at his ankle, hidden in the folds of his pants, or a knife strapped to his forearm, or whatever Mori decides.) 

“No,” he finally answers. “No, I don’t believe so.” And he adds, because he is, as always, aware of what Akutagawa truly is asking: “Besides, the weather is way too nice for you to wear a coat.” 

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary Extra: Rantaro’s Love Hotel Event

At one point I vaguely mentioned that I might make a post covering Rantaro’s Love Hotel event sometime. Unlike most of these events, Rantaro’s one is in fact very good, to the point that it might actually be my favourite piece of Rantaro content. So if I ever wanted to briefly talk about some of the things that are interesting about Rantaro that aren’t relevant in the main storyline, this is honestly the best way for me to do it.

(And maybe there’s also a not-so-Rantaro-specific reason I want to talk about this, too.)

Obligatory warning: this is side-mode bonus content, but I will be mentioning endgame spoilers; don’t read this if you haven’t finished the main story of the game.

First off, understanding this event requires knowledge of what we learn in Rantaro’s FTEs. So, while I don’t quite want to go out of my way to cover those line-by-line, here’s the gist of them for anyone who doesn’t know.

Rantaro’s family is fairly rich and travels around a lot, and one time while in a foreign country, he lost track of his little sister, who was supposed to be following behind him, and she vanished. Ever since then, he’s been doing everything he can to get her back, travelling all over the place and getting himself into all kinds of dangerous scenarios.

Rantaro feels as though his Ultimate should be something like Ultimate Useless Older Brother for letting this happen to his sister in the first place. But Shuichi concludes after hearing the story that maybe Rantaro’s actually the Ultimate Big Brother. It’s not Rantaro’s fault that he lost her, and he’s been trying so hard since then to get her back, essentially devoting his whole life to it, which sounds like the best kind of big brother there is.

After Shuichi agrees to use his detective skills to help Rantaro find his sister, Rantaro then casually adds that, oh by the way, he’s actually got twelve younger sisters who all went missing in similar ways on separate trips.

…And this is the point at which I go “yep, that backstory’s definitely fictional”. Letting it happen once could have been an accidental lapse of attention, sure. But after that, Rantaro would have been extra determined to protect his remaining sisters and not lose them too, so there’s absolutely no way he would have let it happen again eleven more times. That’s just wanton carelessness, as if Rantaro doesn’t actually give a damn about his sisters’ safety at all, which is very clearly the opposite of the truth about him. This only makes sense if it’s fake memories and never actually happened.

(But man, no wonder he hates himself, since he genuinely believes that he really did somehow just carelessly let that happen to every single one of his sisters like the worst big brother in the world.)

Rantaro’s backstory here doesn’t really have much bearing on his role in the canon plot, since his issues there are an entirely separate story fuelled by the whole Survivor Perk thing. Still, this does somewhat help explain why Rantaro is the type of person he is. He probably already had trouble trusting people and feeling like he deserved to be trusted even without the Survivor Perk handicap making it worse – recall fresh-out-of-season-52 Rantaro telling his future self to “trust no-one”. And yet, despite that, he also has a very strong instinct to look out for others and be protective like the big brother he is, hence trying to end the killing game despite his hesitation to trust anyone. His protective instinct might lean towards girls in particular, since they’d be more likely to remind him of his sisters – he did comment at one point that he was worried Kaede’s proactiveness might get her in trouble with Monokuma. (This is why I headcanon that the two survivors from season 52 were both girls; I just think it’d be fun if part of why Rantaro sacrificed himself for them was that they reminded him a little of his sisters and he wanted to protect them at least where he’d failed before.)

So anyway, Rantaro’s Love Hotel event, aka an event where Shuichi has to play the role of the subject’s “ideal fantasy”, which doesn’t have to mean something romantic, shock horror, because this one is entirely platonic. In it, Shuichi finds himself being treated as a student whom Rantaro is something like a private tutor for.

Rantaro:  “That’s why you’re my favourite student. Good job! Good work, Shuichi!”

Shuichi:  (As he showered me with praise, he lightly tussled my hair with a smile.) […] “R-Rantaro… I’m not a little kid…” (Even if this is his fantasy, it feels weird to be talked to like that.)

Rantaro:  “…‘Rantaro,’ huh?”

(His tone had changed. He pulled his hand away, dejected.)

Rantaro:  “Not that long ago… you were calling me ‘Big Brother.’”

Except it’s clearly more than that. Rantaro has come to think of this student as like a surrogate younger sibling figure, no doubt to fill the painful gap while his sisters are still missing.

It’s unclear, though, whether he actually has a student like this in real life. This could just be his fantasy of wanting to feel like a big brother again – a fantasy constrained by the unchangeable reality that his sisters are gone and it’s impossible for them to just magically be there, so his subconscious went for the most plausible alternative instead.

Rantaro:  “Haha… I guess I made you hate me… didn’t I, Shuichi?”

Apparently Rantaro is all too liable to assume that any “younger sibling” of his would obviously turn to hating him at the slightest provocation. (His sisters must hate him for letting them fall into whatever awful situation they’re in right now, right? They’re definitely blaming it all on him.)

The reason for “Shuichi” supposedly hating Rantaro here is that Rantaro recently announced he’d be leaving on a trip soon – presumably another expedition to try and find his sisters – and can’t even say why.

(Shuichi doesn’t figure out that this is about his sisters, which I guess is because it’s possible to get this event without having done Rantaro’s FTEs in which Shuichi learns about that.)

Rantaro:  “I know I’m being selfish, Shuichi. I’m sorry, but I want to shelter you from danger as much as I can…”

Shuichi:  “What? Danger…?”

Rantaro:  “Haha, whoops, guess I shouldn’t have said that… Forget it.”

Shuichi:  “No, Rantaro, I won’t. Not with that look on your face…”

Rantaro:  “Some teacher I am, huh? Making you worry about me…”

Obviously it’s terrible of Rantaro as a teacher (as a big brother) to make Shuichi worry about him. That’s not how things are supposed to go in this arrangement at all, so Shuichi should definitely just forget all about it and stop worrying.

(yes hello guess who this is beginning to remind me of, are you maybe starting to see that other reason I wanted to cover this event)

Rantaro:  “But you don’t have to worry about a thing. Nothing will ever hurt you. I will protect you. I promise. No one precious to me will ever get hurt again.”

There is absolutely no way someone this fiercely protective would ever have let each of his precious little sisters disappear on him twelve times over. No way. It’s so cruel that Rantaro’s fake memories are making him believe he must secretly be the kind of callously careless person who would let it happen. He’s bound to feel like these assurances otherwise are really just empty words that he’ll always end up betraying when it matters, because he would have promised the same thing to eleven of his sisters, more and more fervently each time, and look what happened anyway.

Shuichi:  “W-Wait, Rantaro!” (I don’t really understand, but here goes…) “That… That hurts me, Rantaro. Thinking about you carrying this burden all by yourself hurts me.”

Meanwhile, look at Shuichi hating to see someone he cares about carrying a burden all by themselves, and confronting that person with the fact that they’re hurting him by not letting him help. I wonder who else Shuichi might have said this to, hm? If only he’d known.

Shuichi:  “Maybe you see me as just a student, so you don’t think I can protect you… But I don’t *want* to be sheltered and oblivious to everything.”

Rantaro:  “Shuichi…”

And look at how Shuichi doesn’t want this person to be hiding their troubles from him in an attempt to protect him, because he can protect them too. This unbalanced arrangement of strictly one-directional help and support while the other person suffers alone was never what Shuichi signed up for.

(If only they’d realise that they need and deserve to be supported, and that needing it doesn’t mean they can’t still support others themselves.)

Shuichi:  “Rantaro, you’re going to quit being my tutor, right? So I’m not just your student. I’m your *friend*. You can tell me anything. I know I can help you.”

Shuichi’s approach to this is exactly what he does in Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event and I love it. Rantaro’s trying to insist they have this tutor/student (big brother/little brother) relationship that means Rantaro has to hide all his worries and problems and bear all of that by himself to keep Shuichi safe and oblivious and not worried – but no. Shuichi is having none of that nonsense that puts so much extra undue pressure on Rantaro, because they are friends and he wants to help. Just like with Kaito – he sees this as the best, simplest way to get through to his friend and stop them being so goddamn selfless, and it is.

(Or, well, he and Rantaro might not even technically be friends in this Love Hotel event if Shuichi hasn’t done his FTEs. Still, Shuichi is playing this role of someone who views Rantaro as a tutor/big brother/friend, so he’s acting out what he would do if a person he cared about in that way was behaving like this. Sure, Rantaro never even mentioned that they’re specifically friends, but Shuichi extrapolated from the situation that obviously this person would consider Rantaro a friend as well as those other things. Shuichi is good.)

Rantaro:  “Are you sure about this, Shuichi? You’re at the point of no return…

Shuichi:  “I would never want you to face it alone, Rantaro…”

Rantaro:  “You’ve really come into your own. Haha… Alright, I give up. I’ll tell you everything.”

Looks like it worked! Rantaro now has (in his fantasy) not just a surrogate little brother, but a friend and comrade who’s going to help him and be there for him as he searches for his sisters. Which is probably a lot more beneficial for him in the long run than just yet another younger sibling for him to feel like he’s letting down one way or another.

Rantaro:  “Just… until the end of this lesson, can we act like nothing’s changed? The time that I’ve spent as your teacher… has been such a comfort to me.”

I also really like this, because it shows that Shuichi’s response to all this wasn’t Rantaro’s fantasy. Rantaro wanted to just re-experience the feeling of spending time with a younger sibling who’s safe and protected and is never ever going to get hurt or be in danger at all. And Shuichi essentially threw that out and told Rantaro not what he wanted to hear, but what he needed to hear – that he needs to stop being so selfless and let the people who care about him help him for once, because they don’t want him to be suffering alone and he deserves better than that.

This is a really great event because it’s a rare – and really well-done – showcase of Rantaro’s issues from his backstory. They’re some pretty fun issues, so it’s honestly a big shame that they’re basically not relevant at all in the main story and only even come up in bonus bits like this. (Granted, someone had to be the first to die, and the way it was done with Rantaro was probably one of the best ways to make that person still feel fairly narratively relevant and not like a complete throwaway – but it does sadly mean that most of his potential as a character and not as a mysterious plot device had to be squandered.)

But that’s not all; I also really like this event because of Shuichi’s role in it. From what little I gather of how these mostly-stupid Love Hotel scenes go, it probably doesn’t usually even matter that it’s Shuichi in them, because he’s just a placeholder forced to play this role no matter how uncomfortable it makes him and how unlike him it is. But in this one, Shuichi being here does make a difference. Not everyone would have responded to Rantaro’s situation like this, but Shuichi did, because he’s a really good friend who’d never want to let the people he cares about carry their burdens alone.

So not only is this a great event for showcasing Rantaro’s issues, but it’s also great for showing us how good and supportive of a friend Shuichi has the potential to be, even towards people who are stubbornly trying to put themselves in a one-sided protector role that has to carry burdens alone. Shuichi was always exactly the right kind of person to help Kaito with his problems, too – if only he’d known what Kaito was hiding from him in the first place.

(Also, man, if Rantaro had lived longer, he and Kaito could have had some very interesting interactions. I love how many characters in this story it’s possible to draw parallels and contrasts to Kaito with.)