#and second of all even the crippling anxiety I feel around other peoples’ parents would be worth it

[observethewalrus]

ugh why did it take four days for the usual post-family visit mental health spiral to hit me this time? why did it have to wait till I was at work

[nevereverthem]

HP one-shot : partners / friends

🫱 [Mattheo Riddle × Draco Malfoy] 🫲

Warnings : none.

Length : 2k

We need to talk...

It's your decision

Imagine if Mattheo Riddle, the son of Voldemort, was studying at Hogwarts as a young ‘spy’. Nobody knew about his real identity, except from the insiders. Draco, being a newbie death-eater, was now aware of his classmate’s status. He already respected the guy, but it got ‘worse’ when he learned who he was.

Today, Mattheo sent him a note to meet in an abandoned part of the castle. When the clock ticked, Draco was exactly where he was asked to be, anxiety crippling in his chest. He knew the dark lord had a mission waiting for him, and he feared the time had come, that he had sent his son to deliver the message.

Mattheo was standing right next to a window, gazing outside, observing the night sky. “You came.”

Draco kept a fair distance from him. “Of course I did!” He sounded way too scared for his own liking. He cleared his throat. “I mean… Why am I here?”

“I would like you to help me.” His monotone voice prevented the blonde from guessing his intention.

“Anything!” Again, a bit too loud. “Hum… whatever he wants me to do.” Deep down, he wished it was just some stupid teenager drama that he honestly missed. It was all so trivial and comforting compared to the shit tone of terror it was to live with a mad man creeping around in his house.

Mattheo continued. “The request is not from my father. It’s from me.”

Draco’s brows furrowed in confusion. He hesitated a second. “I… what’s the matter?”

“I’m in a relationship.”

The blond let out a slight huff, relieved and intrigued by his declaration. “And..?” When Mattheo revealed the name of his lover, Draco could not believe it. His eyes grew wide. “But she’s-”

“Muggle-born?” His eyes finally met Draco’s. They were dark, filled with a dozen feelings that the blonde couldn't distinguish. “Don't you dare give me the mud-blood speech, or I'll rip your tongue out!”

Draco pressed his lips together, shutting his mouth. He gulped loudly, freezing in place.

“You’re not allowed to judge me for something you don't even believe in yourself.”

Draco tried to argue but he was cut short. “Oh please, quit your shit! I noticed how you look at Granger when you think no one's watching. You’re like a child fighting the urge to eat the snack his parents forbade him to.”

The boy looked utterly offended, a false expression of disgust tore his face “I don't like HER! She’s-”

“What!? Smart, pretty, sassy and powerful? The last time I checked, it sounded like your type of girl!” Draco was silent. “She’s also reasonably wealthy for a muggle. If her parents were born with magic you would already be dating her.” The blond opened his mouth to intervene. “Maybe not… but you’d be a bit nicer to her.”

“That’s not-”

“It’s easier to destroy the things you want, rather than admit it hurts to know you can never have them, right?”

Draco held his gaze but he just couldn't speak. Memories of the few past years appeared in his mind. He saw the day Potter refused his handshake. When he first mocked Weasley, and picked on Granger… He felt powerful. That got him allies to mess with other students, laughing at them and causing trouble. Now that he was in all this… he couldn't even tell them… It wasn't fun, it wasn't what he wanted anymore… Did he ever want it? Yes, he did… but it didn't feel right anymore…

As if Mattheo could hear his thoughts, he continued. “I ignore people. It doesn't mean I do them wrong. You, on the other hand, did a pretty great job at being a jackass. I heard bullies are just bastards who want attention. That may be the case for you. Although, I’m sure witnessing a bunch of murders cured you. Am I right? It doesn't feel as right to pick on the weaker as it did before?”

Draco looked away. His body itself refused the discussion.

The dark-haired continued his monologue as if he was by himself. “Muggles aren't that bad. You may think I'm crazy or brainwashed by ‘love’, but don't get mistaken. It's not because you’ve been told to hate some kind of people your whole life that it’s right to do so. They're okay. Some are kind, others are egotistical assholes. It’s just like our own world! I must say, you wonder how they manage to live this old without magic, knowing how clumsy they can be. It's pretty impressive.” He seemed lost in his thoughts, info-dumping about an interesting subject of his. “You’re one of the best students here, right? You enjoy learning.” The blonde looked back at him, frowning in confusion. “If you just took the time to learn a few things about them, you’d realise how mistaken we all are…”

Draco huffed, faking exasperation. “Are you trying to recruit me on Potter’s side, or is it a way to test my loyalty? If that’s the case I-”

“Maybe I'm like him. I’m hateful and cruel… but I won't fight for the same shit as my father does!” Draco was lost at this point, lost between fear, disbelief and incredulity. “You think I enjoy watching him kill innocent people? Never have, never will.” Draco’s nails digged in his palm. “I know you don't either. I saw the expression on your face. You tried hard to be a total jerk. You definitely succeeded, no problem with that. But I know you're not a murderer.”

Draco tried to remain composed. “If I have to-”

“Could you kill her? The muggle-born you supposedly hate!”

Picturing Hermione, badly injured, struggling in a pool of her own blood… He felt his throat close on itself, restricting the oxygen’s entry…

Mattheo didn't stop. He had to make his point, had to make him understand. “Could you even kill Potter, or the Weasley? Could you look them in the eyes and tear the life out of them? Could you actually cast the spell and end their life with your own wand?”

That sole idea made panic increase his breathing. A strangled sound slipped out of his lips “I-”

“It’s no use lying to me. I'm not asking you if you have to, or if you sometimes want to. Could you actually do it?” He needed an answer.

Draco held his gaze again. He didn’t want to be perceived as weak. He was not. But he knew Matt was right. As much as he grew to hate the trio and their little lot… he couldn't go that far… he probably went already too far… but there was a line he would be incapable of crossing… mur- just the thought of the word made him sick to his stomach. Tears gathered in his eyes when images of professor Burbage being executed right before his face passed in his mind… He shook his head the slightest that he could, a subtle movement that Mattheo caught.

He nodded in return, noticing the reflection in the boy’s shining eyes. “You can call me weak if you please, but I do think the girl I'm with makes me stronger every day. She makes me so strong that I'm ready to turn against my own father for the first time…” Draco was thoroughly listening. “We’ve shared a whole lot of things, but she's never seen me cry.” At that remark, the blonde tried his best to blink his own tears away. “I can tell or hear the most heart-wrenching thing in the wizarding world, and I wouldn’t shed a single tear. I physically can't.” Draco wished he had the same ability. It would have saved him a lot of sleepless nights. “I know you do. You’re not as discreet as you think when you sneak into the bathroom at night. Some may think you’re going for a midnight wank or something, but we both know that what we’re in suppresses this kind of fancy from our body.”

Draco raised his eyebrows, nodding in agreement.

“So, please do. Do cry all you can. You're feeling something important and I don't want you to push it away.”

Draco received the advice and didn't add anything. No response. No comment. He wasn't planning on crying more than he already was, but maybe this would help him feel a little less ashamed the next time he did. Strangely enough, Mattheo also went mute. Maybe his mouth felt dry from all the talking. The boy just went on a full monologue about rights and wrongs…

After a moment, it was Draco who broke the silence. “You… your girl, she doesn't fear for her life?”

Mattheo was pulled out of his thoughts. “About?”

The blonde sighed heavily. “I’m sorry to remind you but… you're the dark lord’s son.”

Mattheo looked away. “She doesn't know…”

“But-”

“I know. I’ll have to tell her. She's gonna know anyway. It’d be better if I'm the one breaking the info…”

“I wouldn't say ‘better’. It’s a shock when you find out.” Draco reminisced about the day he first saw Mattheo at a death-eater meeting. He was across the table, sitting right next to his father, Volde-...

“Yes… I just hope not to sound like a manipulative muggle-hunter traitor if I tell her myself…”

The mutual understanding floated in the air…

“What will you do if she… rejects you when she knows?” Draco asked.

The boy responded with no hesitation. “I’ll leave her alone.” Draco felt the need to object but Mattheo was faster. “Wouldn't you have doubts about your partner if you just learned they were actually related to a dangerous association led by a genocidal monster who’s actually their own father?”

The blonde’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. He couldn't deny it. Then he asked. “...What are you gonna do?”

“I don't know. I’ll prove myself to her. I’ll stop him. Whatever I have to do…” He sounded determined and sure of himself. He had nothing planned for now, but the sheer resolution that emanated from him was enough to believe he would never go back. “Will you help me?”

Draco was shocked when he heard the question. That was his request then… the reason they were standing in a dark corridor in the middle of the night…. Was he ready to switch sides? Was Matt asking him to join Potter’s little group or what? Absolutely not! The implications were making him nauseous, but… Was he actually gonna make it on this side? Would he be able to do whatever the dark lord was to ask him?... He already knew the answer… His parents? His dad was far long lost when Draco was just a child… When he learned about all of this… he remembered conversations he eavesdropped that didn't make any sense at the time… now everything was perfectly clear. His mom… She was sucked into the same beliefs and probably was doomed to the same path… though he was certain he had noticed something… He wished he could know… know what to do… know they were all gonna make it safe and sound… One particular moment lit up in his mind. It was a Christmas Eve night, when he was only 9. He remembered it perfectly as if it was yesterday. His mom was actually baking, the muggle way, now that he thought about it, while his dad was casting spells away to decorate the manor… He knew things could never be this way again… but he would do anything to feel this relaxed and carefree just for one second. He had to try… He would also prove stupid Potter that he was no better than Draco Malfoy! And that detail was non-negligible.

Mattheo was waiting for his answer. They were not going to dethrone his father, just the two of them, that was for sure. However, he knew that Draco could have sensitive information. The boy was the embodiment of ‘walls have ears’. Plus, obsessed with Potter as he was, he would be able to gather information on the other side’s intentions.

Draco lifted his head, staring into Mattheo's eyes with the same determination he displayed a moment ago, a hopeful glint in his eyes. “Where do we start?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi,

This is a little idea that I had and wanted to share. ~

I never expected it to be this long, but here I am with a 2k random idea. 😌

I hope you enjoyed it. ~

Feel free to drop likes and comments. ~

XO

Update : Do you want a sequel?

Harry Potter Masterlist

[angeltreasure]

If I may make a prayer request, I've been crippled by anxiety. I've been in a few nasty car wrecks just a few years apart from one another, and the experience has left me with such severe anxiety around driving, I can't bring myself to do it anymore. It's been three years now that I've driven a car. I still ride in cars with others, but I get so tense over the slightest thing, it makes me fear that if I wear to just try and push through and do it again, any tiny little thing would set off a mini panic attack and I'd cause a wreck. It's awful. I feel like a burden on my loved ones who I have to rely on to go places, and I'm severely limited in job prospects bc I can't drive. It doesn't help that I don't have access to a reliable vehicle to practice anyway, plus outrageous gas prices add another layer of challenge. Please, I feel this is getting in the way of so much in my life, and that most of my other problems would clear up if I could just drive again. It's freedom and independence that I just don't have access to because of my own disordered brain and it's getting in the way of everything. I don't have access to therapy either, and have very little money (again, can't get a job because I can't drive). I just want to be able to get behind the wheel of a car and actually enjoy the process of driving and not freak out if something happens. Cautious but not in a panicky way. Confident but not in a cocky way. Alert but not in a way that's exhausting. Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading. 🙏🏻

I know this exact feeling and that situation of not having a lot of money. I caused my second car accident in a thunderstorm when I was sharing my mom’s car before I bought my own. The people all around who were witnessing laughed at me and took off. I panicked so much I couldn’t breathe. It meant a mark could be on my insurance and my mom’s for at least 6 years. On top of that I had to rent a car out of my own pocket and give even more to my parents. I was scared that the driver of the other car could drive around to find me or worse, sue me. I was afraid to leave my bedroom. I was scared it would happen again. I felt like I was burden too. As crazy as that sounds, those were real feelings I felt. I had no money for therapy either the only thing that calmed me was God. It took me a while to get over my fear of being on the road again, but I had to keep my job too. Perhaps if you are lucky enough you could carpool with someone for a while or take public transportation (which is very cheap sometimes)…there is also Uber but that can be pricy. You could try this until you get over your fear if that is possible. Keep in mind that it is freedom to drive, that could be your motivation. Take it day by day and don’t be too hard on yourself. I will pray for you.

[hyperfixations-and-hecticness]

MC AND THE DEMON BROS WITH THEIR MAGICAL PETS

Lucifer and Caeruleum

- I know Satan’s pet is the one who’s meant to be catlike but honestly it’s more Caeruleum. He just acts like a cat, especially in how he thinks he’s better than you. Prideful little goblin.

-Caeruleum 100% takes after Luci and tries to boss the other pets around. He only gets away with it cause of how powerful he is. He was raised to be smart and strong and he puts it to good use.

- He’s prideful but will do that cat thing of ‘fine I’ll let you pet me peasant’.

Mammon and Lucky

- Two troublemakers who pretty much only listen to you. What could go wrong? So many things. Y’know how Lucky can sniff out anything valuable? He considers literally anything you own valuable. He’ll be dropping your favourite t-shirt at Mammon’s feet with his tail wagging. Also Lucky is a really good pickpocket but his favourite person to pickpocket is Mammon. He’ll drop Mammon’s rings into your hand and will give you puppy dog eyes until you take them.

- Lucky wants so many cuddles. Mammon also wants so many cuddles. Solution? Cuddle party.

- He only listens to you except for when he feels like agreeing with Mammon. So Mammon is constantly dragging you to his room with the excuse of needing someone Lucky listens to.

Levi and Jerry

- Jerry is like Levi without the crippling social anxiety. If he could talk, he’d be re-enacting the TSL quiz with Levi but about you. They both claim they’re your No1 fan. Literally every brother disagrees.

- Jerry understands what you say and so he’ll pull you to him when he overhears you talking about hanging out with another magical creature. You’re his favourite damnit, nobody else gets you.

- Levi literally says he worships the ground you AND your creature walk on and he’s backing it up with actions. He wants to dress your creature in a Henry cosplay and his in a Second Lord cosplay.

Satan and Fabula

- Fabula refuses to go outside unless he’s snuggled up to Satan or SOMETIMES you. It took him a while to warm up to you but once he did? You have a cute feral cat ready to defend your honour at any given time.

-Fabula also likes it when you turn the pages for him when he’s reading, or even better read together! He doesn’t like to spend time with you alone though, unlike the others. He needs Satan to be there too.

- Satan absolutely loves the feeling of unconditional and unshared love that Fabula gives him and he loves even more having the two people who he feels love him unconditionally with him.

Asmo and Bella

- Bella is the prettiest magical creature in the Devildom. Asmo’s getting her to tag along with you guys to beauty treatments. He also likes hairbrushing trains. Bella knows her way around a hairbrush well enough to brush your magical creature too.

- He wants you to all match outfits, this isn’t an optional thing. You will look cute together, damnit.

- Bella is super affectionate, she’s clinging onto you or Asmo constantly. She also brushes her brothers.

Beelzebub and Pom

- He’s enjoying eating with his two favorite non-demons. Pom’s rambunctious and considers it a great honour to defend you and your creature. All he asks for in return is you hand-feeding him his favourite treats.

- Pom likes to sleep in either you or Beel’s arms.

- Beel’s big brother instincts are activated looking after Pom and he especially adores looking after Pom with you! It makes him all mushy and sappy, it’s so cute.

Belphie and Sleepy

- Two sleepiest mfs in the Devildom. And both of them have an iron grip you aren’t getting out of anytime soon. The both of them will use you as their pillow and stargaze with you.

- Belphie is a fairly lackluster parent, he’s supporting Sleepy from afar. Beel makes sure Sleepy gets fed but you may have to walk him to make sure he doesn’t end up with muscle atrophy.

- Your poor creature is also getting affected by Belphie’s naptime vibes so they’re asleep too and Belphie 100% uses that against you (brat) like ‘MC you wouldn’t ABANDON your creature now, would you?’

AN: I kinda imagine my magical creature to look like Toothless from HTTYD or a tiny chubby dinosaur, idk. Reminder requests are open and comments are appreciated. Also any ideas or requests for my 100 followers event, which is insane to me cause it’s only been three weeks.

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

[1kook]

commercial break ; THREE

this is a netflix & chill drabble kook’s pov during their argument in d&b !

summary; But Jungkook loves the sun. warnings; post-fight, drinking, heart ache :( miscellaneous; everyone say thank u kim namjoon 🤩 word count; 1.5k

notes; a lot of people wanted to know his thoughts during the iconic d&b fight scene so here’s the closure we all needed </3 

He knows he’s said the wrong thing the second the last syllable departs from his lips.

Jungkook doesn’t mean it, that much he knows right away, but even still… there’s a silent moment of shock between the two of you, one where even he is surprised by his own tongue.

You move first, phone whipping across the room.

Now Jungkook has seen a lot of scary things in his life. He’s seen horror movies and walked through a cemetery at night once. He’s come home way past curfew and had to face the wrath of his normally lenient father. He’s sat front row in his first ever college seminar. Yet none of that fear, that anxiety, that dread, compares to the level of emotion he feels wrap around his throat the moment you get up.

“___, wait,” he calls out frantically, hands shaking the further and further you get. He has to tell you he doesn’t mean it, that he would never mean it. But how do you follow up a statement like that? Even when he catches your eyes, beautiful irises colder than the bottom of the ocean, he doesn’t know what to say. He stutters through an excuse he wouldn’t have believed himself and watches you slip further away.

Jungkook can’t let you leave, not when you’re so hurt and he’s so confused, but what else can he say? He doesn’t know, and when you angrily send him back inside he feels every bit the scolded child. Funny how that works.

He calls and calls until he realizes the muted hum from upstairs is the phone you left behind. He’s crazy and in love, desperately scouring through your social media accounts for a sign you’re safe and home. (You were on Twitter three minutes ago, so that’s a relief.) But even then he can’t relax, turning his own words over and over in his head.

Jungkook values a lot of things in your relationship. There’s a beautiful understanding that comes with being in love, a new sense of comfort he’d never felt before. You make him feel warm and in love, keep him grounded when the world threatens to swallow him beneath its surface. You care for him and he for you.

Where those thoughts had come from, he didn’t know. All he knew was that one minute you were picking at the edges of his patience, and the next he was shooting a dagger into your chest.

Self-reflection, Namjoon had always said, the key point to understanding oneself. Usually, that’s followed by some tips on yoga, on calming the mind, but his leg won’t stop bouncing and there’s a boa constrictor wrapped around his throat so that zen mentality will have to wait for now. A harsh exhale, foot thumping against the floor.

Carefully, he unscrambles his thoughts.

There were times you were childish and, for the most part, Jungkook didn’t mind. You brought out the most beautiful things in life with just your laughter alone. You roped him into doing things he never could enjoy growing up, which made him rekindle his love for old hobbies. If sunshine was a person, Jungkook is sure it was you.

You were bright and ever-burning, always with a mission in your head, even if it was something as small as cleaning your windows that day. A star, he thinks, except your smile alone garners the power of ten supernovas combined. The amount of joy and euphoria you’ve brought him this past year was immeasurable. You made him smile, even when you were tired, rising every morning and setting every night dutifully just like the sun.

But too much sunshine could be hot, scorching even.

His mom had mentioned it once, very early into your relationship, how you were a little too childish for Jungkook. He had angrily defended you, stormed out of his parents' house like he was ready to leave them all for you. (Would he? He likes to think so.) But a mother’s advice always haunted one the most.

Yes, your youthful outlook made his life colorful and bright, but there were times he found himself wondering what it would be like to have someone… not as outgoing.

Someone plain and always collected. Someone who would gently remind him of his deadlines, and watch all his favorite documentaries with him. Someone like him, he supposed, who matched his interests perfectly.

It sounds awfully boring.

It sounds terrible to be damned to such a dull life, especially now that he’s had a taste of you. You, who brings laughter and sunshine everywhere you go, his amazing other half. He’d hate it if you always did what he wanted— he loves when you pick at everything he likes because you let him do it back! Jungkook’s head was a never-ending spiral— that much he’s known from a young age. But with you in his life, it became fun and exhilarating. Gone was the dark tunnel and in its place was a twisty slide with loops and turns that defied all laws of gravity. It wasn’t a scary place anymore and it was all because of you.

You, who he might possibly lose forever. His own negligence was to thank, an inability to voice small issues until they piled up and became this big, warped monster that no longer pertained to his original frustrations. It was an ugly thing, so twisted and vile, taking the thoughts he seldom had and weaponizing them against you.

Was that it? Had those mindless thoughts been the root of today’s brash decisions. Jungkook wants to blame it on that, but part of him knows it’s his own inability to share his feelings that led to that spontaneous outburst. There were obviously some things he still needed to work on, but pinning it all on you, his dazzling ray in the sky, was the worst move he could have made. Self-reflection, he repeats to himself.

His heart is still pounding in his ears, drumming obnoxiously loud as if it wants to torture him for his actions. His phone rings across the room and Jungkook lunges for it, hoping and praying it’s you.

It’s not.

It’s just Namjoon calling to wish the two of you a happy anniversary. “You two having fun?” he teases before Jungkook can get so much as a greeting in.

“Hyung,” he chokes out hoarsely, glancing down at the ground. “I-I said something to ___,” he whispers even though there is no one here to hide from but his own crippling thoughts. “And I don’t think she’s coming back.”

His voice cracks a little. He hides it with a gulp so dry it hurts. “What?” Namjoon asks. “What do you mean?”

Jungkook sighs, running a hand over his eyes. “Are you busy right now?”

—

“You need to go to bed,” Namjoon tells him, ambling the two of them up the stairs. Jungkook snorts, sliding against the entire wall on the way up.

“I refuse,” he announces. He has to pause on the next step because he’s pretty sure there’s about four of the same step whirling before his eyes. Beside him, Namjoon sighs. “Hyung, I can’t see.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes, deciding the stairs are too much of a hassle and guiding them back to the living room instead. “Couch,” he informs him before rather carelessly dumping him onto it. “Listen,” he begins, crouching down beside Jungkook. “It’s like, 4 AM… and I have work tomorrow. So I’m going to leave,” he says, slowly pointing in the direction of outside. Jungkook nods, even though Namjoon is definitely pointing upside-down backward. “Okay, JK?”

“That’s me,” he agrees, letting his head slump back against a throw pillow. Namjoon groans.

“That is you,” he concedes. “And you need to sober up before you try talking to ___ again.”

The mere mention of your name turns a switch on inside him. “Can’t,” he whines, features twisting up together. “She hates me. Will cut my balls off.”

Namjoon goes to protest but eventually stops himself. “Yeah, well. Probably.” Jungkook wails at his friend’s poor attempt at consoling him. “Sleep a little and then head over to hers, okay?” He pats him on the cheek once before finally making his exit.

Jungkook can’t believe this. How embarrassing. If you saw him right now, you’d clown him for getting this drunk off wine. But he truly understands it now. It was the devil’s drink, so sweet and cooling only to suddenly slap him across the face with his own insobriety. Oh, his head was going to ache badly later.

Well, that was a problem for later’s Jungkook, he decides as he slinks off the couch and back into the kitchen. There’s a new box of cherry vodka he’d bought just for tonight—or last night, technically—because he knows it’s your favorite. And well. He misses you so much he’ll do anything to feel close to you again.

He’s not sure how long he sits on the floor, swing after swing going down his throat until he’s got three extra fingers and a new middle name. Just that when the sun finally filters through, so warm and bright, he finds himself missing you again. His feet take him out the door before he can think twice.

The morning rays bring with them a wicked headache that almost has Jungkook throwing up into his bushes. Part of him, the last droplet of reason, tells him he should change. He’s wearing the same clothes from yesterday and they reek. Furthermore, the sun is hellbent on soaking up every inch of his black clothing.  

He should change if he doesn’t want to suffocate in this heat, under this blazing sun in the sky.

But Jungkook loves the sun.

He walks on.

—

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[ferret-not-microwave]

Les Amis Modern AU: What They Wish Others Believed About Them (Part 1).

[I'll do this series in 4 or so Parts].

[I kind of wrote this in response to some general trends in characterising the Amis. There are some stereotypes which I'm not quite comfortable with. ]

Enjolras:

• Wants people to know that he isn't always angry and uptight.

• That he can giggle for hours on end and even snort like a malfunctioning car when supplied with enough puns and Penguin videos.

•That people can walk around him without being on eggshells all the time. He doesn't like the idea of Christmas Capitalism, but that DOES NOT mean that people need to stutter "Chris-sorry-non-denominational holiday party" to him all the time.

• That he does hang out with Bahorel, Joly, Bossuet and Chetta as well. And they know he's scared of nightclub crowds, so they also find nice places to go with him. Enjolras has a photo of them in front of an amusement park carousel pinned on his headboard.

• He's also super unhappy that people think of him as a pretentious wokeboi who never accepts a different point of view. He tries too hard to undo whatever prejudices he has, and frequently cries in the shower when he thinks he has been horrible to someone. He apologizes almost instantly if he fucks things up, and tries his level best to fix the situation.

• That he likes other colours too. Enj has a blanket which is a soft shade of mauve, which he simply cannot do without at night. He also loves porcelain blue, rose gold and emerald green. He had a dark academia phase once.

• That he has had high school crushes. A few, intense ones. Except remembering them hurts him still.

• That he does like his caffeine, but he's careful enough to not overdo his coffee intake. In fact, Enj does take remarkably good care of himself and people around them. He's meticulous in following grocery schedules and house-cleaning routines, and actually enjoys them. He's a brilliant plant parent, second to Jehan.

• That people sometimes wait for him to "open up" and ultimately "reveal" his softboi self. He's what he is, not a coconut. -_-

• The Amis do know all this, and live him for what he is. Just, some others don't believe him. :(

Combeferre:

• Wants people to know that he is not always so "put-together". That there are days when he has crippling anxiety and self-doubt and can't get out of bed, let alone shower and make breakfast. There are also days in which he can't stop himself from crying in the Musain's bathroom, for inexplicable reasons.

• He also has extremely short bitten-off nails.

• He's frustrated when people don't believe that he has ever received horrible feedback on his dissertation drafts and has a few fail grades in his school report cards. The last thing he wants is people brushing off his sadness at bad feedback because "ofc you'll bounce back, duh!"

• He's super scared of brain fart moments, or being cornered with things he's not clever at at all. Like card games. He's clever at some things, not so in others, and is NOT a know-it-all.

• His favourite birthday gifts are never books.

• His temper is actually shorter than people think it is. He can snap fairly quickly when someone is actively being an asshole. He resorts to sarcasm usually, because if he gets angry angry, he starts crying.

• He wishes that people don't look at him simply as an over-serious, nerdy, kind-of-dull Deputy Enjolras. He has a completely different style of leadership to Enj, which often helps the Amis a lot, particularly in non-protest events like fundraisers, awareness campaigns and bake sales.

• He is actually pretty good at displays of affection (even the cheesy kind), which he combines with acts of service.

• He knows when people are absent-mindedly nodding away when he launches into his nerd rants about moths, science, art and cinema. He has reduced his rants to a bare minimum, and most people think it is him being quiet.

• There are days when being the mediator/ "mom-friend" burns him out.

• He's extremely picky while shopping. He'll spend HOURS looking for the perfect sweater vest/cardigan/turtleneck and shirt combination. Even though they are almost always shades of blue, black, white and grey, they often come with neon yellow or pink accents. He DOES NOT like argyle, and barely tolerates beige.

• He has ridiculously dramatic classical music choices. Courf once found his "angry playlist" (it had Verdi's Requiem, Beethoven's Fifth, Grieg's Hall of the Mountain King, and Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries). Ferre often plays it while proof-reading his papers, or after a fight with Enjolras.

Courfeyrac

• He gets really miffed when some people infantilize him. He's the eldest sibling in his family, for fuck's sake, he knows how to take charge and be the adult in the house! And no, he doesn't break things at the drop of a hat.

• He has trust issues. He can make small talk sound like really friendly conversations, but it takes him months to trust people enough to tell them about what he really likes, dislikes, wants and opines. The ultimate trust test? When he finally trusts someone enough to cry in front of them.

• He's just as good a "mom-friend" as Ferre. Taking care of R when he's low? He's there. Applying first aid to all of them after protests? He's got it. Making sure to check on Eponine when he babysits Gavroche? Yep. Goes out of his way to look for Cosette to stop Marius's pining? Yes again. He feels a little low when the same people he had "mothered" over treat him like an overenthusiastic kid.

• He likes glitter. He isn't obsessed with it. And certainly doesn't carry bucketfuls of it, because it can get inconvenient af. His pink colour choices are oddly specific (he loves baby pink, and dislikes Barbie pink).

• He needs his alone-time to recharge. A LOT of it. He walks all around the city in those days, headphones on, blocking out the world. He likes calm classical music then, instead of his usual repertoire.

• He was really good at schoolwork. It's just that he didn't want to walk the academic path for his career. He loves to indulge in loooong, nerdy debates about anything and everything with people. And he ABSOLUTELY rips people a new one when they look at his pink denim aesthetic and try to peg him as airheaded and stupid (if the other Amis don't get to the people first).

• Marius does Courf's nails better than he does it himself. Far better. Also makeup.

• Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't randomly talk to everyone he meets. He just happens to participate in a lot of group events.

• Like Enj, Courf is extremely scared of his own prejudices and problematic sides.

• For the longest time, he hid the fact that he loves wearing makeup, dieting, watching Queer Eye and reading cheesy romance paperbacks because he was super scared that people would judge him. The Amis doesn't, so he showers them with trivia on these.

• Courf is actually really punctual, but on reaching the venue he usually finds someone needing his help, so he dumps his bag in the Musain and runs out again. The bag is evidence of his punctuality.

[ateezmakemeweep]

you’re the one that i want (part 15)

word count: 5k

angst

(part 14) (series masterlist)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez​ ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know​ ; @tiny-whatsername​ ; @fairieofeternity​ ; @yixing-jaehyun​ ; @sleepyseonghwa​ 

“y/n, can you clean that table off?

you look over at your coworker perched up on the counter casually, dimply smile looking at you pleadingly and you have half the mind to whip him with the white rag you’re holding.

“oh? and what exactly are you too busy doing?”

“i have arthritis. my weary bones need a rest.”

you let out a small laugh as you roll your eyes, deciding to hit his leg playfully before making your way over to the tables. you hear the boy’s whines as you wipe down the table, giggling to yourself at the way he becomes more and more dramatic every day.

“do you want a cupcake for your hard work?”

you’d been working at the cafe for about a month now, you and your coworker san quickly becoming close friends. 

he had recognized you from school when you first walked in, turning his head to the side and asking if you were in the same lunch; you’d been so flustered you hadn’t noticed anyone or anything else that day, just the crippling anxiety and panic that took over you with seonghwa and his friend’s eyes on you.

“what?” you asked, fidgeting nervously at the way he looks at you. his eyes drop to your hands and he raises his arms defensively.

“not a creepy stalker, i just noticed you at lunch today. you were talking to...” he sees your face drop at who he’s about to mention and quickly changes tactics; it’d been obvious something was going on between you and his old group of friends, he just wasn’t sure what.

“i saw you talking to people. also never recognized you so i assumed you’re new.”

“oh, yeah. i am,” you say quietly, smiling politely and hoping he’ll drop the topic of lunch all together. “my name’s ___.”

“nice to meet you, i’m san,” he says with a happy, bright smile. he told you that his parents owned the cafe and were hesitant to hire another person but he’d convinced them to call you back.

“i get so fucking bored here so hopefully we can be friends,” he told you, jumping up on the counter and offering a cookie to you. you shake your head as a small, flustered laughs leaves you.

“i don’t think i should accept free food, yet.”

san raised an eyebrow at you, already getting a pretty good read on you if your pink cheeks and nervous demeanor wasn’t already a dead giveaway.

“something tells me you won’t ever take it.”

and he’d been absolutely correct. cause you look up from your spot at the table and shake your head at him, your eyes narrowed the way they always are when you deny him pushing free desserts on you.

“more for meee,” he sings happily and you giggle softly, wiping down the other two tables before making your way over to him.

you’d thought it was gonna be hard to open yourself up to someone because of how...well things had started here. but you and san’s friendship had almost been immediate, something about the boy making you feel so calm and at ease.

you could tell he’s loyal to a fault and really cares about people, if they way his parents are is any indication.

they’d welcomed you with open arms and tried to raise your pay within the first two weeks of you working there when they’d gotten the feeling things weren’t right at home; they had overheard a particular nasty phone call that made you so embarrassed you almost quit on the spot.

but you begged that they keep everything the same, that they just pretend like they didn’t hear anything and that you’d prefer to not talk about it; thankfully, they had reluctantly agreed.

“i think you had enough of a break,” you grumble, his eyebrow raising as he stuffs his face with a vanilla cupcake. he’d been sitting here ever since the after school rush died down three hours ago, leaving you both bored with not much to do.

“what do you recommend i do then, y/n?” he quips, your eyes falling to the frosting on his mouth and you smirk; you’re not gonna tell him so if his parents happen to pop in, he’ll be caught red handed.

“gee, i don’t know, maybe stop eating all the produce! or you could clean or-”

“or you could go get me some extra napkins from the back and i’ll refill them.”

your face brightens as you nod your head, detesting the tedious task of sticking napkins into the holder. you make your way into the back quickly before he changes his mind, looking around for the napkins before you hear the familiar sound of the door jingling open.

you peak your head through the glass of the swinging door and feel your eyes widen when you see wooyoung making his way over to the counter, san jumping down and immediately stiffening.

“so why were you talking to wooyoung and all of them that day?”

your head immediately snaps up to look at san when those words leave his mouth, biting down on your lip as a nervous pit settles in your stomach.

it’d been a week since your first day and you hadn’t talked to anyone from that group, including seonghwa; true to your agreement that day, neither of you had even looked at each other and the reminder made your heart sink more and more everyday.

it felt so wrong and bizarre to see him and hear him but not be able to talk to him. his voice and glimpses of him always filling your mind with memories that now just served as a way to make you even more sad. you walked around the halls and sat in class with your head down, the only time you talked or smiled being at lunch with san.

(it was also at those times you missed the way seonghwa’s eyes never left you, something horribly possessive in his chest at the sight of you smiling with san. he had to hold himself back the first day he saw you walk in the cafeteria with his old friend and saw you two sit together. ‘when had that happened?’ he constantly thought, ‘do they have classes together?’ as if he had any right to wonder such things).

san’s question quickly made you frown and shake your head, stuttering out an excuse that they were in your homeroom. he raised an eyebrow and knew there was more to it but didn’t push until he started noticing throughout the weeks seonghwa watching him; the boy hadn’t looked his way once since they’d stopped hanging out with them two years ago.

“look, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” he had sweetly and quietly said at lunch one day. “but seonghwa is looking over here like he wants to kill me and he wouldn’t do that for no reason. so...did something...happen between you two, somehow?”

you bite down on your lip at san’s words, pinching your eyebrows together before you dare look over at seonghwa’s table. and sure enough, your gaze meets his and you immediately swallow nervously, his eyes piercing through yours and sending your heart into a chaotic fit.

his facial expression is blank but his eyes hold so much that it makes you snap your head away, feeling your stomach knot even more as you look back at san. the blonde can see the pain swirling in your eyes and it makes him frown, looking back over at seonghwa to see he’s looking down at the table in anger.

“how do you know that?” you asked san quietly. he cocks his head at your words in confusion and you swallow the lump in your throat making it a struggle to speak. “how do you know seonghwa wouldn’t do that no reason?”

and now it’s san’s turn to look uncomfortable, biting the inside of his cheek before licking at the corner of his mouth.

“we...used to be friends,” he says after a few seconds, “i used to be really close with all of them a few years ago.” you watch him look back at the table and you do the same, your eyebrow raising when you notice him and wooyoung make tense, short eye contact.

“none of us are really friends anymore, but i still...know how they are. and i know how seonghwa is. he usually doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything.”

you hear the slight anger in san’s tone and it makes you let out a shaky breath, would’ve never having believed those words if you didn’t experience it yourself. it takes you a few moments but you’re eventually able to meet san’s gaze without tears swarming in your eyes.

“something did happen,” you admit quietly, san’s face softening as he brings himself in closer to hear you out. “but...i’m not ready to talk about it yet, if that’s okay. i just...it just kinda happened and i don’t wanna-”

“y/n, it’s okay,” he says softly, his sweet smile and eyes calming your nerves itching to take over and destroy your day. “you don’t ever have to tell me if you don’t want to. i only asked because i knew something was up. but if you want to, i’ll be here to listen, okay?”

and that was the moment you knew san was gonna be one of your good friends. that he was understanding and patient and just what you needed at this point in your life.

but it was also when you knew talking about his ex-friendships was hard, never delving into the topic again about what happened between all five of them; but you think it had to be something kind of severe, given how tense and uncomfortable the usual happy boy had just become.

you can only stand there and watch, not sure if san would want you to split up the situation or feel embarrassed and flustered at the intrusion. you fiddle with the napkins and stuff on the shelves for a few seconds, watching carefully as wooyoung cocks his head to the side and frowns at the blonde.

you narrow your eyes when san starts shaking his head, his body more and more tense the longer they talk. and then when you see wooyoung raise his hand a few moments later, you feel hot anger course through you and automatically think he’s about to get hit.

so just as you go to charge through the door, san’s body relaxes and wooyoung’s hand never makes contact with his cheek; instead, he wipes at the frosting that was on san’s lip, his eyes following carefully and san’s hand clutching the edge of the counter roughly.

you and wooyoung’s eyes meet through the glass and he immediately pulls his hand away, your cheeks flushing before you burst through the door to make it seem like you weren’t just spying. san lets out a sharp exhale and you smile at him, eyes wary and guarded as you nod your head at wooyoung politely.

the look wooyoung throws at you causes you to drop your eyes nervously, quietly telling san you’ll refill the napkins for him. but he grabs your arm before you can pass him, pulling you into him and you can just feel wooyoung’s eyes burning into you.

“it’s okay, i said i’ll do it, y/n,” he says and despite the tension in the room, his voice is still so sweet and soft.

“o-okay,” you say quietly and san can immediately hear how different and timid your voice gets around another person being here; though it probably has something to do with how fucking awkward it is. “i just...didn’t know if i interrupted something or-”

“i was just leaving,” the dark haired boy says. you look at him and nod your head shortly despite the fact he didn’t get anything. san’s quiet “bye,” is such a foreign tone to your ears you can’t help but be curious about what the hell happened between all of them.

the blonde doesn’t let out a breath until wooyoung is out of the cafe, his body slumping as his hands continue to ground him on the edge of the counter. there’s a few moments of silence and you busy yourself by setting down the napkins awkwardly, taking a seat on the counter as you wait for him to speak.

but he never does and neither do you, his small smile aimed at you before he takes the napkins and refills them. you play with your hands and watch san move around slowly, looking out the window every so often before shaking his head.

you build up the courage to speak in the few minutes it takes him to refill the napkins, that nervous feeling pulling at your stomach before you quietly ask if he’s okay.

“i’m fine,” he says softly, sitting up on the counter across from you before he meets your concerned gaze. you see hurt and confusion and defeat swirling in his brown eyes and it makes a frown appear on your lips, his small “what?” making your heart tug even more.

“nothing,” you say quietly. because you don’t have to tell him he doesn’t look fine, he probably knows it. knows he looks just as bad as he feels and it’s got something to do with wooyoung.

he lets out a sigh and drops his gaze, looking at the tiles on the floor and trying to get the conversation replaying in his mind out.

“did something...bad happen with him? is that why...you’re all not friends anymore?”

you know the question is a risk and that you’re possibly overstepping but maybe he’d feel better if he talked about it. if he knew you were willing to listen and hear him out.

“i guess so, yeah,” he says after a few silent moments, looking up at you to see you watching him carefully. wide-eyed and patient and soft in a way that can even manage to comfort his hurting heart.

you raise your eyebrow and wait for him to continue, nodding your head encouragingly; but just like you, it’s all too much.

“but i’m not ready to talk about it either.”

you look down to hide your sad smile, the similarity in your words from just a few weeks ago making your heart pang. because he’s hurting too and you wouldn’t even know it, the way he’s always been so happy and smiley and playful.

“okay,” you say simply, quietly, with a soft smile. “but when you’re ready, i’ll listen too. if you want.” he smiles back at you with a nod, eyes softly roaming your face in a way that makes your smile grow.

he then jumps off the counter suddenly and lifts the glass container holding chocolate chip cookies. you sigh when he turns around with two, holding one out for you with eyes that are almost demanding you take it.

“san...” you chide warningly but the boy only narrows his eyes and puts it right in your hand.

“eat it. you’re fired if you don’t.”

you let out a giggle and take it with a huff, shaking your head at the boy before biting into the most delicious cookie you’ve ever had in your life.

a few days later, you were walking to lunch the way you always did. your head trained down and eyes on the dirty tiles, looking at the scratches and specks of dirt.

you usually took your time at your locker, preferring when the entrance and lunch line wasn’t swarming with students. you slip into the bathroom and linger at the hand drier before making your way to the cafeteria; it’s the same route you’d taken that first day, when seonghwa made it very clear you guys were gonna be different here.

"was everything a lie? did you lie to me the whole fucking summer? did you even love-"

"no."

your teary eyes widen and it really feels as if your heart breaks. you're looking at him with so pain and agony in your eyes, he finds himself needing to clarify.

"i didn't lie. but summer's over, y/n. you weren't supposed to come back to me here."

you shake your head as the events from last month plague your mind, still a bit in disbelief at the whole situation. that you had the summer you did with him and felt the things you did and he threw it away the second he saw you again. that you really haven’t spoken to one another and are acting like you didn’t say you ‘loved’ each other.

because if he actually loved you, it wouldn’t be so easy for him to-

“y/n.”

your head snaps up when you hear that familiar deep voice, seonghwa leant against the wall just a few feet away from you. you lick your lips nervously, part of you wanting to run back into the bathroom while another holds back angry tears.

he looks as handsome as he always does, dirty blonde hair slicked back and a sliver chain hanging from his neck. his expression is one you can’t really make out, jaw tight and head cocked to the side but his eyes curiously looking over you.

your footsteps are slow as you swallow the lump in your throat, looking at him warily in a way that makes him frown; but what does he expect, really? you had been excited to see him at one point.

“hi.”

he waits until you’re in front of him to look you over again, his eyebrow raising when he sees your hands folded into one another. you don’t like the way he’s looking at you, the way his gaze is softening or how your stupid fragile heart is reacting to it.

“what do you want?” you blurt out.

and despite your quiet tone, there’s a certain bite to it that has him poking his tongue into the side of his cheek, taking a step forward to look down at you; it makes his heart sink, hearing your voice so obviously uncomfortable in his presence.

“to see if you’re okay.”

“i’m fine,” you assure him with a tight smile, your racing heart desperate to get away from him. “now if you’ll excuse me-”

he grabs your arm gently when you try to pass him, your eyes closing when he utters your name softly. his skin is warm against yours and it sends shockwaves through you, ripping your arm away from him as you turn to look at him.

“no, seonghwa,” you say quietly, voice low and shaking but you have to say this. he has to know he can’t just do this, avoid you for a month and then try to talk to you again. make you feel so shitty and hurt and heartbroken but then try to be nice to you when the halls are completely vacant.

words die in his throat when he sees the look on your face, eyes wide and glossy as you shake your head at him.

he’s never felt as shitty as does right now, seeing the light you used to have in your eyes has dimmed. he just wants to reach out and pull you into him, mumble that you did absolutely nothing wrong and that you shouldn’t be sad over someone like him. that he feels guilty and sorry and has been wanting nothing more than to talk to you these past few weeks.

but he doesn’t get the chance because you back away from him when he moves forward, your eyes narrowing at him.

“why are you doing this?” you ask him quietly. “you made it very clear you didn’t want us having a relationship.”

he bites down on his lip as more guilt and frustration take over him, shaking his head as he keeps his eyes on you. the eye contact is so intense and overwhelming for both of you, something so familiar even after weeks of not speaking.

but, now, instead of love, it’s distrust. it’s anger and guilt and confusion and neither of you know what to do right now.

“i never said that, y/n,” he says softly, walking toward you and praying you won’t back away again. “i just...i was surprised to see you and didn’t know how to react. i thought you were gone and that we were-”

“well i was here and you didn’t care,” you say shakily, tears pricking your eyes as your stomach knots. “yo-you looked at me like you didn’t know me and never wanted to talk to me again.”

he looks like he wants to say something, dark eyes burning into you and breath catching in his throat like he’s gonna respond; but after a few seconds, the halls are still silent.

“i’m here, seonghwa. i’m here and you....you don’t care,” you say quietly, voice cracking as your throat becomes tight with emotion.

“that’s not true,” he finally hums lowly, his jaw clenching and eyes flaring; but while he’s getting anger, you’re getting more and more docile. accepting the fact a little bit more everyday that that was the case.

“especially when your friends are around,” you continue quietly. “you did the same thing over the summer. because you’re embarrassed and i don’t blame you but-”

“stop saying that,” he growls, taking your face in his hand suddenly.

you still and your eyes widen at the contact, his touch making your heart jump, both in surprise and longing; it’s been so long and you missed it so much but you know you can’t get used to it.

because if his friends came around the corner right now, you know he’d jump away from you.

you don’t say anything as you try to control your ragged breathing, hesitantly meeting his gaze and you regret it the second you see him. because they’re so dark and desperate, like he’s trying to prove to you that he’s telling the truth.

but yours are teary and sad and completely drained, dropping again when he starts talking.

“i told you i didn’t lie about anything so why are you thinking like that?”

“because what am i supposed to think?” you squeak out brokenly. “you said to call you after my first day and then the second you saw me here, it immediately changed everything.”

and then the words you heard in the cafeteria that day, the ones that have been bothering you since the moment they were said, ring in your head  - “the virgin!”

“and you obviously told them about me,” you say softly, your eyes looking up at him as you swallow the lump in your throat.

he watches as a small tear escapes your eye and can’t help but reach out to wipe it away; but you pull away and wipe it with the back of your hand. “you told them i was a virgin but made sure to clarify that i wasn’t your girlfriend.”

his face pales when you say those words and that’s when you really know it wasn’t just you. that there is obviously something very wrong and different about seonghwa in this environment, around this group of people where he feels the need to mask his true self; if that was his true self, you don’t really know anymore.

“i didn’t mean it like that,” he says but you let out a humorless laugh and shake your head, backing away from him and wanting so badly to run away.

“then how did you mean it?” you ask, feeling the lump in your throat grow bigger as more tears burn the back of your eyes. how are you supposed to believe that? how else would he have meant it? why would he even tell them that in the first place?

your eyes snap back up to his his and he takes your face in his hand again, a frown on his lips as he wipes at the wetness on your cheek.

you don’t even have the strength to move away again, just continue to look at him as you desperately wait for an answer. “why would you tell them that?” you ask quietly when he doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold your face and look into your eyes.

“it just...slipped out, i wasn’t giving them details,” he explains lowly, his voice serious and urgent to explain himself to you. “they noticed we were texting a lot and started fucking with me so i told them-“

“i was the clingy virgin who gave it up to you?”

“god damn it, y/n, no!” he growls and you can hear the frustration in his voice but you can’t quite find it in you to care. “it wasn’t like that.”

“obviously it was,” you say, the defeat and hurt in your voice making it clear you just wanna get far away from him and this conversation. “so let’s just go back to what we’ve been doing and forget it.”

he lets out a huff and tightens his hold on your face, pulling you in closer to him and you let out a shaky exhale when his familiar scent surrounds you.

it’s too much. everything about this is too much.

his hands on you and his voice in your ear and his smell around you. the way he’s telling you the things you wanna hear in hopes that it will maybe make your broken heart not so broken. the way he’s trying to talk to you like he’s the same person who once swore to keep you safe from anyone that’d hurt you.

no,” he mumbles lowly in your ear. “baby, please. i just need you to listen and-“

but you push him away and take three steps back when you hear him call you that, shaking your head as you sniffle and wipe at your cheeks.

he doesn’t get to call you that anymore and remind you of the way things used to be. because your body doesn’t know the difference and your stomach is still fluttering and you shouldn’t feel so fucking hopeful.

“i’m leaving,” you tell him, trying to keep a brave face so you can completely crumble in private. “and please don’t call me that.”

you see his mouth open to say something again when a deep voice calls him, turning around to see wooyoung barreling toward you two. he looks between you and seonghwa with a confused expression, eyebrow raised as his eyes roam back and forth curiously.

you’re not even surprised to see seonghwa’s mouth close shut as he drops his gaze, grunting out “nothing,” when the boy asks him what the hell was taking him so long.

san was up from his seat before you even sat down, seeing you walk through the cafeteria doors with tears in your eyes. he sprang up the second he saw you and guided you outside gently, finding a bench farthest away from the door to talk to you.

“why are you crying?” he asked, “what happened?”

“i hate him,” you whimpered out and san’s soft eyes widen in confusion. you sound so sad and broken and he didn’t think it was possible for you to hate anyone. “i...why did he do this? he said he loved me and lied right to my face and-”

“who?” he asked gently, placing his hand on your back to rub comfortingly.

a tiny whimper leaves your mouth and he shushes you, allowing your head to fall on his shoulder to muffle your cries; he wouldn’t have even known you were crying if he didn’t feel your tears on his shirt.

and when you’re finally able to catch your breath, you tell him everything.

about your summer with seonghwa and how everything started. how he taught you to surf and took you on a dates and helped you when you were sick. how day by day you both seemed to have fallen in love and spent every day together.

it hurt rehashing the memories but your heart soared thinking back to those times, when you were somehow so confident in your relationship and hung onto every word he said.

“but then he saw me on the first day and it was like he saw a ghost,” you tell him quietly, sniffling as you explain the rest to him. “it was obvious he didn’t want me talking to him and i...i don’t know if it’s because of his friends or if it’s because he didn’t like me this whole time but i...” the words get caught in your throat and you can only hide your face in your hands, surprised it took you this long to break down in front of your new friend.

san never stops rubbing your back or listening to you, not ever pushing you to finish your sentence or explain anything more to him.

“i’m just really hurt,” you finally say. “i lo...i love him and i thought he really loved me.”

“he probably did,” san says. you sniffle and wipe your face as you look at the soft, small smile on his face.

and while you know san is extremely empathetic, the pain and emotion behind his eyes is something that immediately throws you off. “he probably does still. i know seonghwa and he’s never one to open up the people. ever. but it seems like he did with you.”

“i thought so, too,” you say sadly, your eyes twinging with confusion. “but then why is he...acting like this? why is he so fine with not talking to me?”

san presses his lips together when he feels his heart pang with hurt, smiling sadly at you before he shrugs his shoulder. “because he probably cares too much about what people would think,” he says, his voice holding a certain kind of sadness and seriousness. “about what his friends or other people would say and how it’d make him look.”

you bite down on your lip as you process his words, nodding your head because that all makes sense, you guess. he didn’t wanna be the cool boy who came back to school with a girlfriend who was supposed to live miles away. who he was only gonna be able to talk on the phone with or facetime until it was summer again and he-

“that’s kind of why i’m not friends with them anymore.”

you look over at san’s quiet confession, your eyebrow raising as you press your lips together. and something in your face must make san feel at ease because then he starts talking.

shares that a few summers ago, after he found out seonghwa also started selling drugs around here, he’d immediately showed his dislike. tried to talk him out of it and get him to stop but the boys had somewhat revolted. told him that no one was getting hurt and that they were careful so what was the big deal?

and then that sent them on a downward spiral of using and dating and falling into all sorts of bad habits san didn’t wanna get himself in at such a young age. he couldn’t do that to himself or his parents so he distanced himself away from them until they called him out.

told him that if he was gonna be a pussy, they didn’t want anything to do with him.

“but then me and wooyoung started talking again. we’d been best friends since elementary school and losing him had been hardest on me, honestly.” you nod your head with a small frown on your face, watching and listening intently.

(so intently, you both miss the way two pairs of eyes have been watching you talk from the window. your small frowns and broken demeanor secretly making both of them feel like absolute shit).

“are you guys still close?” you ask him gently. “i...since he came in the other day, i figured you were. but things had seemed...tense, so...” san lets out a quiet sigh, shrugging his shoulders before meeting your gaze.

he doesn’t go too much into what exactly happened between him and wooyoung, just said, similar to you and seonghwa, they’d gotten close one summer and spent every day together since the rest of them were away on vacation.

the look in his eye didn’t make it hard to miss just what happened between them. what kind of change went on in their relationship that completed shifted the dynamic; but once seonghwa and them returned, it ended as quickly as it started.

san tells you how wooyoung won’t talk to him unless he’s alone, that he won’t even look his way or acknowledge him around his friends; and that, at first, he thought the same things you did. that he didn’t actually value their relationship or was embarrassed of him.

but he saw overtime that he did care for him.

he saw it in the way he looked at him when no one was around and how he still remembered every single little detail about him. how he kept all of their stupid little gifts and presents from one another and never seemed to forget anything about that summer together.

“i think they’re just scared for people to see them so different,” san tells you. “and that doesn’t make it right, we deserve to be angry and upset with them. but we also shouldn’t think it has anything to do with us.”

you let out a sigh, your head pounding from this conversation and the emotional toll reliving those two months has on you. you knew you and san were gonna be good friends but you didn’t know you’d be able to relate to each other so much, find solace in the fact that maybe the problem isn’t both of you but other people.

“boys suck.”

san lets out a cute giggle, his dimples poking out of his face and immediately bringing a smile to your face; he’s the type of person who has a contagious happiness, needing to smile or laugh when you’re in the presence of him doing it.

and you really need that right now as you both walk into the cafeteria, both of you sighing in relief when you notice their table is empty. you’re able to spend the rest of the lunch eating and giggling softly together, steering clear of any more talk about stupid bad boys or summer vacations.

(part 16)

[prettyspence]

Hanging in the Inbetween

Summary: Moving to DC proves to be the right move when you meet Emily Prentiss, finally come out to your brother, and feel like you have a happy future with somebody you could actually love.

Tags: 18+, smut, reader-insert, coming out, internalised homophobia, getting together, smut/kink tags under the cut

Pairing: Emily x Reader

Word Count: 4.2k

Read on AO3

Smut/Kink Tags: top!emily prentiss (but the lines kinda blur), light dom/sub, fingering, sex toys, dirty talk, kink negotiation, first time

You moved to DC for a few reasons, the first of which was that you wanted to get the fuck out of Virginia.

The move to Richmond from Manassas hadn’t even helped much: you were working in your dream field and had some distance from your family, sure, but Virginia’s still the South. And after you came to a very poignant realisation about yourself earlier in the year, you wanted to get as far away from the bigotry that defined your lived experience there as possible.

The second reason was that you missed Aaron. Your brother had moved away when you were only little, but you’d always been close and he was the only family member left that you felt you could genuinely trust with your secret, even if the idea of telling him that you liked women still left you frozen with fear.

So when he invited you to brunch with his colleagues at the FBI you agreed in a heartbeat, it seemed like a great way to meet new people in your new city and spend time with your incredibly busy older brother simultaneously.

If you had any doubts about your sexuality, Emily Prentiss would have eradicated them. As soon as she’d walked into the cafe, her enigmatic presence had captivated you and you were hooked, addicted, obsessed. She smiled warmly at you but all you could do was stare dumbly at her as you shook her hand, eventually managing a weak smile in return. It was as if she was glowing, the others dimming in comparison as you took in her breath-taking beauty. Every time she spoke your breath caught, aching to bask in her voice for the rest of your days.

It felt so dramatic, childish almost. You’d never understood that ‘take your breath away’, ‘at first sight’ kind of love, but you knew it as soon as you met Emily.

But Emily was this gorgeous, confident woman. You knew she was a lesbian, she didn’t hide that from anyone and frequently made jokes about it, and while you shared her identity, the way you approached it couldn’t have been more different. Sure, if anyone looked hard enough, they would catch the adoring looks you sent Emily at every get-together, the way you blushed at any interaction with her. Hell, even she probably knew.

But it could never happen. After years of conservative indoctrination and being surrounded by people convinced of your ‘sin’, you were still on your journey to accepting yourself, still sometimes sick to your stomach every time you remember that you weren’t ‘normal’, that your parents wouldn’t see you as their daughter as soon as you told them. So you hide under layers of facade, wear a mask of confidence over your crippling insecurity and internalised homophobia, pretend that everything’s fine when it feels like you’re crumbling under the surface.

You thought you’d crumble further when Aaron inevitably discovered the truth about you, but really it’s the moment where your foundation starts to rebuild itself. It happens completely accidentally one evening, you don’t mean to come out at all. You’ve been so careful at using gender neutral language for so long. You always talked about a future ‘partner’, said ‘they’ when talking about prospective relationships, the kind of words that don’t attract questions or attention. But you slip up.

“Have you thought about getting back out there, Y/N?” Aaron asks one evening, when you’re both sitting on his couch having a much needed catch-up. “I know it’s been hard after you and Samuel broke up, but maybe you should think about putting yourself back in the scene.”

“God, Aaron, you are not talking about my love life, please,” you groan, swatting his arm lightly. He’s not usually interested in what’s going on in your romantic relationships as long as you seem happy, but it’s been pretty obvious how low you’ve been recently. It’s sort of sweet that he’s talking about something he feels so awkward about to try and make his sister smile.

“I’m serious,” he smiles fondly. “I want to see you happy again, like you were with Tom, remember?”

You were not happy with Tom. You’re not sure you’ve ever been happy in a relationship (for the obvious reason that none of them were women) but you’re pretty damn good at pretending, so you can hardly blame him.

“Ahh, I don’t know, Aaron,” you grimace. You can’t think about anyone but Emily right now, God you’ve tried to move on but everyone seems to pale in comparison at the moment. “When I finally get a girlfriend I want it to be real, you know. An accidental meeting, nothing manufactured…”

You trail off as you see his eyes widen and face contort in surprise. Immediately, your stomach sinks and eyes brim with tears as you realise how badly you’ve fucked up. Jumping up from the sofa, you run to the bathroom and lock yourself in, barely able to contain the sobs as you feel your world implode around you. Fuck, you’re out. Aaron knows.

You sink down to the floor and fold yourself as tightly as possible, trying to hold yourself completely as you feel your walls crashing down, anxiety taking over. It’s only minutes after you’ve barricaded yourself in the bathroom that you hear the knocks at the door.

“Y/N,” Aaron says softly. “It’s okay, I’m not angry, I was just surprised. Why don’t you come out and we can talk about this? I’m not mad, I promise.”

It feels like it must be some sort of trap. Surely Aaron isn’t really okay with it? Choosing to trust your brother despite your scepticism, you peel yourself out of your protective position and splash some cool water on your face in an attempt to calm yourself down a little before unlocking the door.

You must look utterly miserable because Aaron’s face immediately softens and he envelopes in a warm, protective hug, the kind that used to reassure you in your childhood and still has the same effect today.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N?” he asks as he guides you to the sofa, voice gentle.

You take a deep breath before you explain everything, finally unloading the emotional turmoil that’s been whirling around inside you for months, connecting with another person properly since you realised yourself. You weren’t lying anymore; Aaron knew the truth.

Aaron basically forces you to stay over that night, tucking you in the way he used to do before he left for college, left for Washington to be a big bad FBI agent. You don’t fight him. It’s nice to be taken care of again, to feel really close to your brother for the first time in a long time.

Instead of crumbling, your foundation is firmer. You genuinely feel like you can do this, like you have a happy future ahead of you again.

⭐️

It’s a Tuesday evening and you’re running across town, butterflies swimming in your tummy. An excited smile is playing over your face on the metro, in the taxi, while you run down the road towards Aaron’s apartment. You keep checking your phone to confirm this is really happening, but the text message isn’t leaving; it isn’t a delusional mirage borne from isolation and desperation.

Hi Y/N, how would you feel about grabbing coffee with me later this week? ;) Feel like we haven’t had a chance to properly get to know one another! Let me know - Emily

You pound on the door as soon as you get there, knowing Jack is at a sleepover with his friend tonight, squealing as soon as Aaron opens the door. He smiles amusedly as he lets you in, practically bouncing with excitement as you thrust your phone in his face. “Is this what I think it is?” you ask eagerly as he reaches a hand to steady your shaking ones so he can read the message.

“I don’t know, Y/N,” he says. “It could be. I’ve seen the way Emily looks at you, this looks like an invitation on a date to me, especially with the winky emoticon, but equally, she might just be asking you as a friend.” He smiles sympathetically as he says that, hating to temper your excitement. He’s never seen you this happy over a prospective partner and he doesn’t know how he missed how unhappy you were with men.

You giggle at Aaron speculating over the message as you would’ve done with your girlfriends back home. “She doesn’t know I’m gay,” you reason. “But I’m pretty obvious so she probably guessed. Maybe she really does want to go on a date with me!”

“Well, why haven’t you messaged back?” he asks.

“I wanted to tell you first,” you say, a little shyly. It was just nice to share in your truth with somebody. You couldn’t help feeling so eager about it.

He smiles fondly down at you. “Why don’t you make your message back a little more flirty?” he suggests as he makes his way to the kitchen to get you both a drink.

“Ooh, okay,” you muse. Subsequently, the next half an hour is spent agonising over the appropriate response, giggling and squabbling together in the way you used to before life got in the way.

Emily, I’d love to! It would be a great pleasure to spend some more time with your gorgeous self ;) How does Thursday at Cooper’s work? Maybe late morning?- Y/N

As long as we don’t get a case, I’m there :) - Emily

(If Aaron does his utmost to ensure there isn’t a case, well that’s nobody’s business but his own.)

⭐️

After agonising all morning over the perfect outfit, you hurry across the city to get to your favourite cafe in time to meet Emily. You arrive first, ordering yourself a coffee and a pastry and finding a cosy seat in the bay window, your favourite spot. Thankfully, it’s not overly busy and Emily spots you as soon as she walks in not long after you’ve sat down, grinning widely as she approaches.

“Y/N, I’m so glad we could finally do this,” she says earnestly as she gives you a hug.

“I know,” you smile shyly, returning her hug and revelling in having her so close, feeling the warmth of her body against yours, catching the gentle notes of her perfume.

“I’ll just go order a mocha and I’ll be right back,” she smiles, heading over to the counter.

You sit back and just watch her, how graceful and powerful she looks as she moves, how assertive and confident she is. Her gorgeous raven hair frames her face so perfectly and her body looks so strong under her smart, professional but stylish outfit. She smiles beautifully as she comes back over, holding a pastry in her other hand.

“Ah, another pastry addict,” you say, still a little shy and flustered.

“Oh, don’t you know it,” Emily chuckles self-deprecatingly. “Nothing better than a buttery pastry mid-morning, right?”

“Mm, I’ve got a huge sweet-tooth,” you confess. “I’ll do pretty much anything for a sweet treat.”

She laughs loudly at that, looking at you with so much warmth you think she might light you on fire. “I don’t blame you,” she agrees. “The team knows that if I’m grumpy, all I need is something sugary and I’m back on track.”

“You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful team,” you tell her, smiling back at her. “I’m so jealous of you and Aaron, surrounded by all these amazing people.”

“Oh, I know it,” she says. “Found family is important, and I rely on them a lot. I never thought getting into the FBI would change my life this much.”

“Oh, really? What led you to the academy?” you ask, gazing at her adoringly, not bothering to hide it. If you’ve misread the situation, so be it. You’re fed up of hiding, you’re going to take this risk, dive head first into it.

You chat amicably over coffee and pastry for over an hour, and when she frowns and tells you she has to get back to work, you can’t help the raging disappointment inside you. You’ve never felt this connected to somebody, ever. Maybe it’s just that Emily is the first woman you’ve allowed yourself to crush on properly, but it feels like more than that. It feels real, reciprocated even. You can’t help the burning excitement in your chest as you think about what it might be like to be close to her, to call her your girlfriend, to kiss her, to come home to her.

She gives you another hug before you part ways and the smouldering imprint of her body against yours keeps you warm the whole journey home.

⭐️

It’s nearing 7pm when you hear the knock at the door. You uncurl yourself from your cosy position on the sofa and put down your hot chocolate, leaving the movie you’re watching playing quietly in the background as you get up to answer it.

“Emily?” You’re a little bewildered to be honest. Wrapping your cardigan a little tighter around yourself, you send her a puzzled look, but you’re curious, too. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to tell you something,” she says, face serious. “I’m done screwing around; we’re not children, so let’s talk about this like adults.”

Right on cue, butterflies start swimming in your tummy, partly nerves, partly warm fuzzy hope. “Okay,” you say, still a little confused, but you guide her to the sofa and gesture for her to speak.

“I like you,” she says, taking a deep breath. “I’ve liked you since I met you and you intrigue me. I want to know more about you. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous, inside and out, and I’d love to take you out for dinner, on a proper date.”

You’re stunned for a moment, not entirely sure you’re actually awake. “Yes,” you say as soon as you reboot, reaching out to grab her hands gently. “Yes, please, that sounds amazing. I like you, too, I’ve liked you since I first met you.”

Her face lights up at your admission as you share a heated look before leaning in for a gentle kiss. You scoot a little closer to her and place your hands tentatively on her waist, only feeling emboldened when she leans a hand up to place on your neck, the other finding your hip. As you melt into her touch you feel her melt into yours, a mutual melding; a coming together.

It doesn’t stay chaste and gentle for long, however, quickly finding a rhythm that properly conveys the intense passion and amour filling the room, Emily eventually leaning forward and pushing you back slightly on the couch so she can lean more of her weight on you. This must be heaven. No kiss has ever felt like this, not even with your long-term boyfriends, no-one has ever made you feel the sparks that are flashing in your tummy right now.

“Hey, is this too fast?” she asks as she pulls back a bit, breathing heavily as she reaches a hand up to brush some of your hair away from your face. “Do you want to slow down?”

“No, no,” you deny, desperate to continue. “I don’t want to stop, I just… I haven’t been with a woman before.”

Your confession is shy, tentative; you don’t want to scare her off, but she simply smiles softly down at you, continuing to gently caress your hair. “Don’t worry about that,” she says. “We’ll see where this takes us and if you want to stop or slow down just tell me, alright?”

“Yeah,” you agree before leaning back in to continue the kiss, pushing your hand up under her shirt slightly and feeling her toned abs, the soft curve of her waist. It only serves to make you wetter, the feel of a woman under your palms more euphoric than you ever could have anticipated.

She moans as you explore her midriff, pushing your shirt up to do the same, and if you thought feeling a woman was amazing, being felt by one feels incredible, shivering under her touch as she runs her fingers up and down your waist, pushing your shirt up even more to caress the sides of your breasts.

“Off.” You obey and sit up a little bit to shrug off your cardigan and t-shirt as she does the same, both left only in your bras and pants, pressed skin-to-skin on the sofa. “Fuck, you’re so gorgeous, Y/N,” she moans, kissing you deeper as she tangles her fingers in your hair, tugging a little at the strands.

“Emily,” you whine as her other hand comes to your breast, teasing you with a finger slowly before running her thumb over your nipple through your lacy bra, squeezing gently. You’re already a dripping mess for her, this is already the best sex you’ve ever had, and you’ve barely started.

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” she suggests, pulling back a little to sit up before taking your hand and letting you lead the way. “Take your bra off and lie down on the bed.” Her voice is soft but there’s an authority to it that calms you slightly. You may not know exactly what you’re doing but Emily does and she’s going to take care of you.

“I have a few toys,” you confess shyly as you follow her orders, watching her with blown pupils all the while. “They’re washed and clean, and there are condoms and latex gloves, too.”

“Oh?” Emily asks, quirking an eyebrow slightly.

“They’re in the bottom drawer,” you say, blushing wildly as you share your sex toy collection with the woman you’ve been crushing pretty hard on for a while now.

She immediately lights up and rummages through, a playful smirk colouring her face as she pulls out a few options. You take in the fairly sizable dildo -- a favourite of yours -- the finger vibrator you’d bought only last month and a butt plug you’d had for years with hungry eyes, excited for what she has in mind.

“Before we really get going, let’s talk,” Emily smiles gently, leaning over to kiss you softly before pulling back. “What are you into, up for, wanting to try?”

“I’m not really sure,” you say, blushing awkwardly. This kind of discussion is fairly foreign for you. “I’ve never enjoyed sex before because it was always with a man.”

Emily pulls a face to make you laugh before nodding in agreement. “Okay, well how about I tell you a few of the things I like and you can tell me if you’re comfortable with them? And if you do try it and you’re not into it we’ll just stop, yeah?”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“Great. I like to be on top mostly, I’m quite a dominant person but I can tone that up or down to whatever you like, too,” she starts. “I’m very into dirty talk -- a little mild verbal degradation etcetera -- I love clitoral stimulation and don’t get much from internal simulation so maybe you could use this finger vibrator on me while I tell you what to do? And I could use this dildo on you if you’d like, the butt plug, too?”

“With my boyfriends the only time they could make me cum is if they got really into dirty talk, calling me names and stuff” you confess, “so that works for me, especially if you alternate with praise. And I’m happy for you to top and be more dominant, that sounds… good. All of what you said, I want, except I think the butt plug is a bit adventurous for today?” Your face must be fire engine red but Emily is looking at you fondly so you clearly haven’t turned her off with your inexperience or bashfulness.

She grins at you before leaning in to kiss you again. “Perfect. If I say or do anything you don’t like, tell me immediately. I won’t be offended, okay? I’ll do the same.” You nod in agreement, blush calming down as she settles her body over yours, a comforting, reassuring weight in an unfamiliar scenario.

She quickly gets the lube and condoms out and once she’s ready, Emily trails latex covered fingers down your waist, tickling slightly and revelling in the shiver she elicits, before slipping beneath the waistband and pressing gently, teasingly against your clit. She presses another kiss to your lips, deepening it against your moans as she moves down to push a finger inside.

“Emily,” you cry, panting as the initial pressure against your walls makes you see stars, warm wetness helping to ease her fingers inside. She slowly works you open as she alternates between kissing you, sucking on your neck and whispering dirty, encouraging platitudes in your ear.

“Do you think you’re ready to take my cock, princess?” she asks, tone dripping and sultry as she whispers directly into your ear, licking a stripe over the shell as you moan loudly. She holds the condom-covered dildo directly in your line of sight as she presses her own heat against your thigh, rutting slightly to ease her own immediate arousal.

“Yes, Emily, please” you beg, pushing your thigh up so she can use it properly, getting an appreciative moan in response.

“Good girl,” she praises, kissing you again as she lines up the dildo, easing it into you gently, pausing when your aroused moans betray a hint of pain. “God, you took that so well. You are a dirty little slut for me, aren’t you? Built to take my cock.”

“Yeah,” you whine, writhing as you feel the fullness of the dildo inside you, moaning again as Emily starts to fuck in and out. She starts out slowly before speeding it up, fucking you hard with your own dildo as she murmurs absolute filth into your ear. “Stop, stop.”

She stills her hand immediately, but you quickly ease her mind. “I’m close, don’t want to come yet.��

At that, she beams down at you. “Good girl. I think it’s my turn to get off, don’t you?”

Technically, she’s been grinding down on your leg the whole time she’s been fucking you, but you get what she means and reach for the finger vibrator, dildo still wedged firmly inside you, while she rolls onto her back. You fit the vibe onto your first finger and turn it on, thankful you recently changed the battery recently as you slide on a latex covering over your finger. She smiles encouragingly as you maneuver her hips to the right angle before teasing her a little with your middle finger to ease her into it before pressing the vibe to her folds first, thoroughly enjoying the jerk her hips make at the pleasure, before working your way up to her clit.

She throws her head back and moans wantonly as you work her over, running your other hand up her side before making your way to her breasts, leaning down to suck and bite gently at them as she cups her hand against the back of your neck, keeping your mouth where she wants.

“Keep going,” she moans as she approaches her orgasm, rutting against your finger as you swallow her nipple into your mouth with renewed vigour, desperate to bring her off. She shouts your name as she cums, squirming around your finger as her hips writhe with pleasure, eyes screwed close. It’s a beautiful sight, seeing a woman cum, and it’s so much better than whatever you’ve seen in porn, because you did this. Emily’s orgasm is your work of art and you couldn’t be prouder to sign your name against it.

“Good girl,” she sighs as she comes down. “You did so well. Now, shall we finish you off, baby?”

You’re virtually there already, seeing Emily’s pleasure had been getting you closer and closer to your own orgasm. It only takes Emily rolling you onto your back, kissing you again and fucking you a few more times with the dildo  that’s stayed inside you the whole time while fingering your clit just teasingly enough to get you over the edge, powerful orgasm crashing over you as Emily whispers praise against your ear. It takes you out for a minute, lost in the haze of pleasure and its aftermath, feeling so right in that moment that you never want to leave it, wrapped up in Emily’s arms while you hang in the inbetween of a dreamy daze and reality.

Eventually, you blink your eyes open, meeting Emily’s glassy ones and smile up at her, working the energy up to roll her over and kiss her again in earnest, knowing exactly what she likes by now.

“What was that for?” she asks after you break apart, chuckling a little at your eagerness.

“A thank you,” you murmur, smiling fondly down at her.

“The best thank you you could give me is a dinner date later this week,” Emily grins. “And I’ll thank you afterwards with another mind-blowing orgasm, how does that sound?”

You stare down at her for a moment, wondering how on earth you managed to win somebody so perfect, before shaking out of it and smiling softly again. “That sounds perfect.”

[sassooda]

Worlds Away JJK AU / Chapter 36 - No Longer Alone 🔞

w/c - 7,680

               “Kokoro really was a fool…I almost feel sorry.” Genghis is in the mood to celebrate as he quietly snickers through the Titer compound, planning to share the news with Getou. He passes through a crowded windowless but well-lit room heading towards the southern bunker. Nearly all of the clansmen and women bow to his presence as he cheerfully ambulates through their earthy corridors, submitting their trust into him. He enjoys the gestured acclaim, knowing full well this position being his was long overdue. After searching over the room joyfully, he becomes momentarily sidetracked as his first turbulent encounter ensues. The young Titer that served Mugoi before appears in front of him, blocking Genghis’s direct path. ‘Now to reform these loose ends…’, he thinks to himself as he assesses the young Titer’s despair. “You there, what is your name?” Genghis sees the hatred in the young man’s face.

               “…Itgeltei.”, is all the young man offers while still trying to remain fearless in front of the now most masterful man of the clan. “Itgeltei Baidal.”. His chin-length black hair waves with the wind as his deep brown eyes feign revenge.

               Genghis smirks to the spiteful response, understanding that the poor wretch has lost his own mentor and is raging with emotions. “You can come with me now, there is still much work to be done.” He motions for the young Titer to follow him but the single energized stomp in response makes him halt his resumed stance.

               “YOU KILLED MASTER KOKORO!” Baidal surges his energy and aims it at Genghis with tear filled eyes. “…and my SISTER!” His shaking limbs continue to quake as he takes a deep breath and prepares to at least injure the newly appointed head before being killed himself. “You have to pa-…”.

               Genghis, without lifting a finger, uses his presence to immediately suffocate the young man who is now clear with regret. “I certainly did not kill Mugoi or Okhin, that was the enemy.” The fear pricks its way to the surface as the young Titer now seems to recognize exactly how unmatched he is and this entertains Genghis, “See, I never inherited the ancient techniques but I’m the top dog now for a reason…”, Genghis slowly approaches while Baidal chokes, surely feeling compressed as he opens his mouth to breathe but is unable to suction in any air. “…I have learned other ways to instill my goals.”. After reaching the young Titer, he looks around to all of the surveyors that stand winded with horror. “YOU ALL UNDERSTAND WHO IS IN CHARGE NOW, RIGHT?!”. Genghis darts his eyes back to Baidal who’s face has since turned red and puffed from the lack of oxygen while he continues to struggle. A woman near the door cries, “Yes! We do Master Genghis!”, and all of the Titers before him that are able, drop to the floor to offer an extensive bow. “Alright then!”, Genghis releases the young Titer with a smile and watches him crash to his knees, gasping. Genghis kneels down before him and holds out a hand, “If you’re willing to redirect your hatred to the right place, you can still serve your clan to the upmost, Baidal.”, but he’s met with still resentful eyes and understands that the young man will need time to decide his own fate as his hand is swatted away. “If you cannot however, you serve no purpose at all. Consider my offer.”. Genghis then turns to continue walking to Getou before the young man did something hasty, not wanting a scene to erupt with so many witnesses.

               After Genghis leaves that corridor, Baidal hunts the room for any indication that he had supporters on the matter but feels completely alone as everyone looks down or simply continues with their business. ‘He may be powerful but he needs to be stopped.’, Baidal’s frustration peaks as he’s still trying to regain his breath, knowing that Genghis could have crushed him if he wanted to. Beneath his heaving he mutters the words that would have caused him death had they been heard, “He was supposed to stay locked away.”. Only by being Kokoro’s understudy did he become privy to the horrifying information of Genghis’s past and the true reason he was sent to death by the hands of Satoru Gojo to begin with. Baidal knows that there was never any love between himself and Getou, being that Kokoro committed atrocities himself. ‘I have to find allies…’, knowing he may have to outsource beyond his clan in order to have the backing necessary. ‘What does he have planned for Master Getou?’. Baidal thinks to check a few more friends before leaving the compound, his anxieties feeling all too real to ignore.

               Genghis is back to his excited mood as he feels the weight of Kokoro’s lack of existence uproot his very soul. ‘Kokoro was a mediocre man and never should have been given this role.’, he resounds internally as he feels that although that wasn’t the exact future he saw, he knew Mugoi was likely to expire at the hands of Fushiguro. “I do admire this Toji’s strength and he will certainly give us another edge until his time comes as well.”. He pretends to be kind as more Titers bow on foot to him as he passes, loving the thrill of being the faux head. The red clay-made walls and ground signify his descent into the compound, “Now we just have to work on Getou with the girl…”. Genghis smiles wider, ‘She’s truly perfect. What she’s capable of…what I’ll have her do…’. Genghis has yet to reveal all of his plans to Getou but will do so when he feels the time is right but not a moment sooner and for good reason.  Upon turning the corner towards Getou’s quarters though, he feels the gravitational presence. “Such a grown child…”, but hurriedly runs towards the door with slight apprehension, knowing there were some of the help in there with him.

               Getou is furiously releasing his gravity manipulation throughout the room. He’s yelling out but the sound means nothing in particular as he pins weaker Titers that were only there to serve him. “What am I supposed to do with THAT?!”, in pure fury he asks one of the servants as he points to the shattered bowl with water spilled all around it. “She’s…SHE IS DISGUSTING!”. The servants cry out unanimously as his fit continues but Getou purposefully doesn’t kill any of them. He looks to a younger male Titer who is already crying, “You really suggest that I should just accept this SHIT?! She’s tainted!”.

               Genghis bursts through the door, “SUGURU! STOP THIS AT ONCE!”, and uses his crippling presence to counter the waves of gravity. They’re no match for Getou’s abilities but they can at least bounce some energy back to him, thus giving his attention to Genghis. “RELEASE THEM!”.

               Suguru faces his mentor and reluctantly quells his technique, allowing the four pinned servants to scurry away through the door behind Genghis. “I wasn’t going to hurt them…but I may hurt bird bitch. You cannot SERIOUSLY expect me to want her.”. Getou now sits to the chair beside him and takes out his bun knowing he made a mess of it. ‘At least Fushiguro took action…’.

               “What happened in the small number of hours I’ve left you?” Genghis sees the shattered bowl and immediately understands that Getou saw something he didn’t like. He takes in the state of the room, all of the different craters formed about as he nears. ‘We’re lucky this part of the structure didn’t collapse…’. He’s a little irritated.

               “I will not have her as my wife.”, Getou huffs. He seethes at the images in his brain that depicted Elska, Naoya and Gojo sharing sexual relations. “She is not suited to be ANYONE’s wife!”. He accidentally snaps his hair band apart while trying to put his hair back up and becomes further infuriated. After grinding his teeth together, he tosses the useless hair tool across the room before running his hands through his long black hair. He sees Genghis nearing him and tries to recollect himself so he doesn’t seem immature. ‘Why the fuck did I have to see that?’.

               “What happened little one? What is SO bad that you feel you can justify this tantrum?” Genghis needs his words to cut but not in a way that will dislodge Getou further. He understands that sometimes he just may need a parental figure and is attempting to gratify this part of Suguru.

               “She…”, Suguru’s words silence for a moment before continuing, “…she was having sex with Zenin and Gojo…”. His fists clench reflexively as the thought of Gojo enjoying himself, living care free. It wrenches his intestines together. There’s a lack of response from Genghis, so he lowers his voice to exact his reasoning, “She fucks everyone.”, he cackles in annoyance, “Everyone but me that is.”. Getou remembers her glare when he left the room they held her in at the base. “I knew Zenin was oddly territorial with her but I never would’ve guessed this debauchery. He hates Gojo too…so I thought.”. Getou reels over the loss of his cohorts once again as he’s no longer alone but it doesn’t really feel like it.

               Genghis knows Suguru is expecting him to be riddled with disgust as well but he’s isn’t. ‘Is he..?’, Genghis is not even upset anymore as he feels that was confirmation of Suguru’s jealousy, whether Getou knows it or not. ‘Maybe there is hope for us after all…’. He lets a few seconds pass to simulate that of someone who cares. Genghis loves Suguru like a son but he also loves his own future as well along with his grandiose plans for their clan. With a small sigh he brings a chair and places it opposite of Getou and sits down. “Look little one, are you sure tha-…”.

               “SHE HAD GOJO INSIDE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS GAGGIN ON ZENIN!” Getou almost doesn’t catch himself in time to control the surging energy flowing through him. ‘Gojo… of all people.’.

               “Hmmm…”, is all Genghis offers while he thinks of how to diffuse this situation.

               “HMMM??!!!” Suguru mocks and then hollers, “What the FUCK kind of response is that?!”. He sees the glint of anger that flashes across his mentor’s eyes and decides to calm down. It’s a matter of respect.

               Genghis raises an eyebrow at how perceptive Getou can be at times although he needs to learn to be like that always. “I can see why that would bother you…”, but Getou scoffs as he turns away. “Her nature…it’s solidified but ever changing it would seem. We may not have the time we originally thought.” Suguru looks back to him now as he’s obviously curious as to what that could mean. ‘She’s already creating a small but powerful army.��.

               “What is that you know, Master?” Getou’s back to his collected demeanor as he’s eager to understand what could cause Genghis to seem so offhand on the ordeal. He looks around the destroyed room and feels slightly embarrassed, especially if there’s some kind of explanation.

               “When she drinks from the hybrid, his curse blood fuels her own. This is what I was trying to elucidate to you before.” Genghis checks to make sure he has Getou’s undivided attention. When he’s satisfied by his pupil practically hanging on the edge of his seat, he continues, “She has awakened to a small degree and with her kind, that means a growing appetite for many things and less inhibiting emotions in exchange.”. Getou’s eyes narrow in response but Genghis proceeds, “When we get her here, you’ll have to sate her needs little one so it’s best you understand now.”. He’s anticipating a rebuttal but it doesn’t arrive, ‘Good, because if you don’t, I will...and that may cause some problems.’.

               Getou is still mildly confused but understands enough that he’ll have to feed and fuck her. “I’ve already tried that, it didn’t work.”. His thoughts take to the last time he saw her, while he was working his way in.

               “You stabbed her, broke her wings and then forced yourself between her legs… let’s understand the difference here, Suguru…”, Genghis shakes his head as he didn’t want to be so blunt but at the same time, there’s no room for error there, Getou must comprehend that.

               “And she called out for Naoya when I did.”, Getou’s patience are being tried at this point. He knows he was wrong in his approach and even with his brutal nature. He also is hesitant to express anything in regards to that scent that provoked him.

               Genghis interrupts the pity party, “Because she’s afraid of you Suguru…and rightfully so!”. He softens his eyes for his pupil for just a moment, “I could never imagine expecting any other outcome. I’ve never even thought to do something like that to a woman.”, Genghis lies with complete knack.

               Getou exhales heavily and turns his gaze to the shattered bowl, “That doesn’t explain why she’s fucking everyone…”, he loses himself in those same images again and runs his finger along his scarred cheek. His eyes widen as he’s suddenly remembering the aftermath, “Toji attacked them though, I’m guessing Kokoro succeeded?”. He switches his view back to his mentor with inquisitive eyes.

               Genghis decides to hold off of the details about Elska and Toji following the incident. ‘She really is getting her fill though…’, but smiles to her ways as he watched them that day, all of it, from afar. He then tilts his head upwards and tries to hold his happiness inside as he delivers Mugoi’s fate, “Kokoro perished by the hands of Fushiguro… and Oda.”.

               Upon hearing of Mugoi’s death a small smirk appears initially but then he’s overcome with the fact that he’d always planned on taking out Kokoro himself. “How can he be dead? Isn’t he under the same technique?”. He hopes the bastard can return for more.

               Genghis allows his grin to sneak through after seeing Getou’s reaction, knowing they’re both pretty glad the fuckers gone. “Yes well, they didn’t use any techniques to kill him, they just utilized that nature of theirs. If he were killed with a cursed ability, yes, we could have reversed that.” Genghis chuckles lowly, “I told him to be extremely cautious but he ultimately underestimated this Toji gravely. To be fair though, I wasn’t expecting the girl to behave as she did…she killed Okhin viciously as well.”.

               Getou catches on to his master’s amusement and it rubs him as odd, “You said the outcome would benefit me…did you know this would happen?”. He’s decided to place that weird display in the back of his mind for the time being. ‘Okhin too?’, Getou barely knew the Titer woman but was aware of her loyalty to himself and their cause and feels regret that she lost her life.

               “I did.”. Genghis leans toward being honest about this bit at least. He waits to gauge Getou’s response and becomes eased when he can tell that his knowing won’t be met with hostility. “Mugoi wasn’t a very good man and he had no business leading this clan. His strategies were half-baked and his desires to lead were misplaced.”.

               “I never did like him…I actually hated that fucker and owed him for Kechi and Eso...” Getou sighs as there’s yet another thing to be grateful to Elska for. “Serves him right.”. ‘I wonder how she did it?’. Getou ponders on her mysterious existence and wonders what else he may not know about her. He thought he was well informed before but sees that’s not the case at all.

               Genghis smiles genuinely as he proceeds the conversation to nourish the seed he’s planted, “So…you were watching her?”. He gives a playful shove to Suguru, “You can’t hide the fact that you’re interested…I can already tell.”.

               Getou’s face becomes deadpanned at his mentor’s words. He’s self-conscious about the truth in the statement, not really being sure as to when it happened nor why. He looks back at the shattered bowl, “I was seeing if there were any tactics I could formulate based on their own.”. He feels another light push and it’s clear that Genghis wasn’t buying it. ‘Why is she so important to even him?’. He sighs in frustration, “Yes, ok? I was watching her…although I regret it now.”. His eyes widen during the statement, showing he meant it desperately.

               Genghis releases a loud cheer into the room, “ALRIGHT!”. He pats Getou on the shoulder, “This is great little one! You shall have her then!”. He can barely control his pride as he knows this step was imperative to conquer. “We will have to secure her soon before the others reach her to do the same.

               Getou wants to ask about the others mentioned but figures it pertains to the clans also aiming for the same goal. He becomes tactical, “I think we should draw them in and crush all of their shaman.”. This time, when preparing her quarters, he would take a note from Naoya and make sure she can at least be impressed by their offer. ‘Would it really make that much of a difference though?’, he’s unsure of what lies ahead because of what’s occurred in the past.

               Genghis leans forward with approval, “That is a wise idea but we should bait them first.”, he smiles maliciously, “I think we should take your lover first and give them a location.”.

               Getou blushes against his own will and tries to mask it with haste, “Whatever, that’s fine. I need to prepare an area for her.”. Suguru stands up, cloaked in agitation as he worries about what could be wrong with him. ‘Why…am I feeling so…awkward?’.

               “Don’t be ridiculous, you only need to prepare another room for yourself.” Genghis can’t believe that he’s having to hold his pupil’s hand through this but laughs to the confusion painted on Suguru’s face, “She’s going to be staying with you.”.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------          

               “Cho, how do you know this? ARE THEY NEARBY?” Naoya knows Choso is also very fine tuned when it comes to sensing other techniques, primarily the Titers for having worked around them for so long. Naoya still is looking around to silently ask everyone to be on their guard.

               Choso doesn’t remove the box from his pocket. He keeps his fingers wrapped around it though and tries to figure out a way to communicate that won’t bring them to a disadvantage. His stillness unnerves everyone but Toji tries to calm the room, understanding there’s a purpose for it. Choso decides to try something. After standing, he uses his right hand to point at his pocket and while still holding the box inside of there, he flicks it a few times with his finger, creating sound.

               Gojo is the first to catch on and decides to give it a codename, “The bento box!”. He smiles to Choso’s relieved nod and turns to face everyone. “Do you remember the yellow fish delivery we received earlier?”, Toji scrunches his face but then the connection is made. “I believe that Choso’s saying he can tell by the bento box it came in.” Elska now seems to get it as well.

               “Baby? When did you eat yellow fish?” Naoya approaches her with a coy smile as the remaining members in the room sigh in frustration, thinking he was too dense to comprehend. Megumi scoffs being out of the loop and apparently feels ashamed of Naoya’s gestures. When within arm’s reach, Naoya snags Elska by the hip and kisses her cheek while whispering, “We will protect you princess.”. He feels her pull away only enough to look into his eyes. He knows she trusts him, it’s written all over her face and nothing could make him happier.

               Elska is lost in Naoya’s warm expression until a realization hits her, “Does…does that mean they saw…everything?”. She becomes completely uncomfortable at the thought and welcomes Naoya’s arms as they wrap around her fully this time. While burying her face into his chest, she can feel the bass from his voice as he laughs awkwardly above her. ‘Greeeaaaaat…’.

               “Well at least it was worth watching…I can attest to that!”, Gojo’s eyes brighten as he recalls the three of them on the bed. ‘It was…perfection.’. Nanami sends narrow eyes over to him which he can feel instantly and against his rowdier judgement, decides to leave it at that.

               Toji scoffs while looking at Gojo, “You’re the fucking worst, you do know that, right?”. He’s never been able to stand Satoru’s need to gloat about everything, especially when it comes to her.

               Gojo warps himself behind Elska, “Oh…but she loves it…” and ruts his pelvis into her rear.

               Naoya uses his projection technique to pull her away afterward, “You’re too fucking much Gojo, don’t expect that shit to happen again.”. He actually really enjoyed the threesome for the most part but sees that he stoked an already heated fire within Gojo by participating. ‘This guy is not right in the head!’.

               “Sati! Why would you do that in front of everyone?!”, She’s not felt Naoya’s technique first hand like that and stumbled with collecting herself after being moved with such speed. ‘Did he seriously just hump me?’.

               Nanami yells, “SATORU!”, with absolute disapproval as Megumi scowls heavily beside him.

               Choso loses himself in thought after hearing Gojo’s mischievous giggles. ‘Do they know that this connects their energy to us? I can tell when they’re spying…’. He twirls the box within his fingertips in his pocket as he tries to formulate an explanation as to why the Titers left it behind if this was genuine. He looks back over to Toji now, ‘Is he really ok? What did this do to him?’. Choso’s eyes now take to Megumi and his heart sinks knowing that they’ve only just begun their father and son relationship officially, ‘I have to figure this out before it’s too late.’. He still hears the voices of everyone else but doesn’t register that his name is being called. The surging energy from the box also ceases and he quietly states, “I think they’re done for now…”.

               Toji sighs, “Thank god, those fucking creeps have nothing better to than to use ourselves against us.”.

               Naoya and Elska both relax into each other knowing they can likely move more freely now. Naoya smiles at her but then continues what they were originally talking about. “I’ll get you some sweets baby!”. He now turns to Choso who is still in his own mind, “Cho!”, Naoya is waving at his friend, “Does that sound alright to you?”.

               Elska chimes in, “I swear I won’t bite you again!”, she looks around to everyone, “Although I am due for a feed soon…”.

               Naoya gasps, “Well I’ll stay too!”. He’s weary of her feeding from Choso for many reasons, his personal ones at the forefront though.

               Toji huffs, “I think you two should make yourselves scarce when we come back.”, his vision glaring between Naoya and Gojo. “You two have had enough today.”.

               Gojo wants to say something smart to rile Toji up but decides that maybe that wasn’t such a huge demand. He looks to Naoya and whines, “Let Toji feed her tonight…”. He kicks at nothing to display his disappointment but knows that he owes the giant this much at least.

               Naoya grabs her hands now and looks down to her with his weak protest, “Baaaby…”, but then sighs as he can understand where Gojo is coming from, “…Ok…but tomorrow you feed from me!”. He smiles gleefully as he secures one of his favorite past times. Of course, he enjoys the feeling her bite surges through him but more than anything else, he loves how much she enjoys drinking from him. It certainly makes him feel needed and with all of the testosterone surrounding her now, he appreciates the affirmations he receives from her, this one especially. ‘If only I had my own fangs…’.

               “If she drinks too much of you boy, she’ll get fucking cavities.”. Toji laughs to his own joke though as he meant nothing foul by it, he’s actually surprised he didn’t receive more resistance from either of them on the matter of feeding.

               “What are you guys about to do?” Choso now feels he missed something important.

               Elska and Gojo chuckle at the fact that Choso indeed tuned them all out moments ago.

               “They’re going on a food run while you stay with me, if that’s ok!”. Elska smiles and continues, “You can take a shower too if you want, I won’t leave the room but you’ll still have privacy in there.”. She walks over to the bathroom and pulls out a fresh towel from a neat stack that lays on iron shelving next to the tub.

               “And make sure you’re clothed when you leave the bathroom…”, Gojo’s tries to make his tone lighter but he’s serious. “I saw what you’re hiding underneath those clothes, you thick ass stallion!”, and laughs to Choso’s widening eyes.

               Choso recalls Gojo complimenting his body before  and becomes flustered by the accusations being launched at him and quickly defends himself, “Elska! I promise I wouldn’t try to do anything sexy to you!”. He hears Gojo roar into laughter and anchors his eyebrows in a way that show the silver shaman that he’s been teased enough for one day.

               “I would hope not.” Megumi makes his quiet presence known again as he’s only just calmed down after seeing his sensei hump her…and then there’s the feeding. He turns his nose up and hollers while leaving for the door with Nanami, “GIVE HER SOME SPACE.”.

               “Doll, I’ll be right back alright?” He grins when she nods in anticipation and he can sense that she’s as eager to feed from him as he is to feed her.

               “Umm…I will too, don’t forget that part old man…”, Naoya finally releases his hands from her as he forces himself away and towards the door. “Be right back baby!” He blows her a kiss from the doorway but waits impatiently for Gojo to make his exit.

               Gojo now grabs her hands and with a serious face says, “Love, just be careful and wait for Toji. We will back after you have some time.” He smiles, “Don’t bite Choso in case it’s related to that other you ok?” He kisses her on the forehead gently before stepping back and taking in her comfortable and casual appearance while relishing on his recent lush memories of them. He glances to Choso, “If anything happens, make a portal to Naoya but we should be back really soon.

               Choso nods and is glad that there was reiteration over him being the source of her nourishment. ‘Gojo is far more intelligent than he typically lets on…’. After everyone leaves the room, the silence engulfs them. “I uhh…I guess I will take a shower now.”, and dutifully heads into the bathroom.

               “Wait there’s a trick!” Elska rushes past the door before he can close it in order to reach the faucet. The temperature designated knobs are actually reversed and she didn’t want Choso to fall victim to ignorance’s cruelty. Once adjusted, she stands up tall and smiles, “Now, you’re all set!”.

               “I tend to take lengthy showers, please do not be alarmed by this.” Choso feels the steam beginning to take form and is ready to wash the day away. She giggles and says “That’s totally fine, relax a bit.” Before switching on the fan and shutting the door behind her. As he undresses, he folds his new pajamas neatly on the counter, planning to put them back on when he’s finished. For a moment he freezes as this doesn’t make sense, how can he watch her while he bathes? ‘Oh, they were way ahead of me with this one…’. He forms his observer window, focuses it on her and leaves the curtain parted so he can check it from time to time.

               Elska isn’t sure why but as soon as the words, “Relax a bit” left her, she felt the urge to do so herself. “Well…he did say he takes long showers…and they’re no longer watching us…”, she walks over to Choso’s unintentional gift and honestly just wants to try it. After grabbing it, she cautiously makes her way back to the bed, dropping her new ace sweatpants to the floor before laying on her back. Her mind brings her back to Naoya and Satoru taking her and becomes flooded with arousal. “That really was…amazing.”. Her nimble fingers press the tiny rubber button located on the bottom of the little pink mouse and jumps with excitement when it turns on. ‘This shouldn’t take much time at all!’, and gleams to its vibrational impact. The thought of Naoya extracting her pheromones and orgasms while Satoru filled her mouth sends a sensation between her thighs before the vibrator ever reached its target. She self consciously listens for any sudden movement in the bathroom, wondering why she was really about to do this right now. ‘I just feel like I need to…’, but is trying to ignore the fact that she’s seen plenty of action for one day, at least normally. Once the silicone bullet reaches her clitoris, her body tenses up by the sensations it sends through her and she quietly gasps with a wide smile.

               Choso is rinsing his hair, enjoying the scented products that fall and mix into the water. ‘How does my hair feel this smooth after just shampoo?’, he’s amazed and feeling anew. After applying the thick conditioner, he decides to read the ingredients from the bottle located at the other end of the tub. When he grabs it, he turns to check his observer window to make sure everything is alright. “Oh my…”. His eyes are wide and the shock from what he’s seeing steals his attention thus causing the shampoo bottle to be dropped onto his foot. “OW!”.

               Elska hears the commotion and immediately closes her legs for cover. She’s panting lightly as she was already pretty close to being done with this test drive but still calls out, “Chos…Choso? Are you alright in there?!”. She sits up as she listens carefully for a response.

               “I uhhh…Yea!! I’m great! Just…dropped something!”. Choso feels his heart pounding through him and when he looks down can see his chest beat along with it. ‘I should’ve just told her the truth!’, he panicked though. He stands at the end of the tub where the water barely touches him as he breathlessly waits for a sign that she’d either stop or continue. ‘Does she not know I’m observing her?’. He watches her settle back into the bed but has failed to notice his instant erection until this point and whispers, “Damnit…”. When she places the mouse back on her sensitive areas, he can see her face twist in pleasure and cannot help himself. Choso begins to stoke his member as his human desires take over and shudders to the wonderful sensations it sends through him. Elska moans quietly but Choso is audibly attached to his window so he hears it. He watches her placement of the toy and is surprised to see that it’s used to for surface features rather than being for inside. He continues to pump his hand, gaining speeding even while the water threatens to stop his motions, moaning himself as he studies the visual before him. “Women…they’re such…beautiful creatures…”, he whispers through his small gasps.

               Elska is working towards her climax, intermittently edging herself when she feels she’s too close, not wanting to end the pleasure so soon. She thinks about how Toji always tries to stimulate her with his hands while he works himself into her, causing her toes to curl. ‘Toji and this would be incredible…’, she pictures him with his wings and fangs out, using his mass to pin her against the bed as he thrusts through her. In this fantasy, he would hold the mouse down against her, forcing her to endure the bliss while locking glowing eyes. “Holy…oh…yes…”, she whines out underneath her breath as she feels her moisture gather. She imagines him smugly smirk above her before saying, “Doll, you’re so fucking wet for me.”, but realizes that would be much more of a Satoru thing.

               Choso is no longer even bathing by this point but has opened the curtains further so he can still receive the warmth from the water as he continues towards his own relief. Every time her body arches or she whispers confirmation to how good she’s feeling, his hand increases speed by itself. He looks down to see how unbearably hard he is and bites his lip as his vision takes back to his technique. His mind is plaguing him as he doesn’t have a direct desire to sleep with her but she’s always the subject of his sexual thoughts. He imagines himself sitting between her knees, administering the mouse. “Mmmm…”, he groans while thinking of her furrowed brow and flush expression being the product of his placement. His hand grips his girth and he momentarily seethes and hisses to the building rise coursing through him. He whispers her name to his own dismay, feeling that it increased his ability to reach his orgasm. The water falling down his back has become cooler but it doesn’t deter him from this interesting experience.

               She is now daydreaming about Satoru’s aggressive behavior. ‘He would most definitely use this mouse as a tool to dominate.’, and the thought of him bending her over while making her hold it to herself almost makes her unravel. He’d say things like, “Awww love, what’s the matter? Can’t handle it?”, and she would have to respond to him before he’d smack her ass…but maybe she would keep quiet on purpose. He’d likely grab her by the throat and raise her up from behind so he could hear her clearly as he spreads her from within. She gasps to this and arches her body again as she nearly lost herself. Her eyes open widely though as she’s sure he would attempt anal next…but she wouldn’t necessarily fight him. ‘If I ever tell him that I actually like it, he would try it all of the time though…’, and the idea of him relentlessly trying to impale her in that manner slightly decreases her arousal.

               Choso is all but minutes away from being spent. He’s staring intently into the observer’s window and ignores her change in demeanor. Instead, he’s now wondering about this taste that women provide. He still isn’t sure you’re supposed to lick them there but the probability of it being allowed makes him imagine how he would. The expression on her face is back to be pleasant so maybe if he would take his tongue to the same spot where the mouse is located, he could cause this too. His eyes are closed at this point, while he hastily grips and rhythms with his hand so when she cries out, his imagination runs wild and he imagines inserting himself into her. That was a mistake though because in this moment, he’s releasing his contents all over himself and the tub while he fails to cease his motion.

               Naoya’s sweet but domineering nature saved the day. While reliving old memories of when she was his prisoner, she remembers the sexual tension that made her crave him even more. While envisioning them on their sides again, she smiles to the desperation felt that consumed her, making her take him in his sleep. “Oh…Naoyaaaaa…”. It really didn’t matter what he would try with her, Elska was likely to allow him wantonly, she trusts him fully in this realm. In her sexual dream however, he’s given glowing red eyes and golden wings. He would brush her hair aside while rocking his hips while they lay there but he’d also lean down to pierce her neck. “God pleeeeassee…”, she begs the universe to at least be able to simulate what his fangs would feel like. She cries out though in real time and releases a wave of pheromones as her legs tremble, the orgasm following immediately after. She lies there panting, not having removed the mouse from her hand, nor has she budged to change her position. Her eyes take to the little mouse though while she heaves and feels her arousal seeping out, “This was actually a wonderful gift Choso!”. She smiles and feels the cold chills that are result of her thin layer of sweat. She goes to sit herself up but finds she just doesn’t have the energy in this moment. Her eyes dart open as she recalls, “CHOSO! SHIT!”, having temporarily forgotten that he was in the bathroom, only a few feet away. She sits up tensely to gather herself as the door is pushed open. She screams, “DON’T!”. She feels so ridiculous as she knew Toji’s door no longer latched.

               Choso heard her scream and although he’s a mess he launches out of the shower. “Elska! What’s wrong?!”.

               Toji stands in the doorway first inhaling the scent before noticing Elska’s position and eyes the mouse next her on the bed. The fact that she wasn’t dressed on her lower half clearly gave it away. He feels himself get a little excited but its all but crushed as a wet and naked Choso barrels out of the bathroom door. “What the f…”.

               Elska quickly covers herself before Choso has a chance to turn around but she can’t help but stare at him against her better judgement. His body is so refined and built, his lower half just as impressive. She doesn’t feel any desire to experience him but she can still appreciate a good work of art. When their eyes meet, Choso turns beet red and flails his hands in an attempt to shield them from his usually hidden parts. “I thought something was wrong!”.

               “The fact that you’re out here butt ass naked is the something that’s wrong buddy…”, Toji glares at the being and huffs. Toji points his finger toward the door and says, “Go get some fucking clothes on! What were you doing in there to still be bathing?!”. A realization hits him and he growls at the possibility that Choso was relieving himself in his shower. “How the fuck were you planning on protecting her if you were in there the entire time?!”, Toji demands an explanation.

               Choso looks away from Toji and to the floor, “Well…I was watching her still…I just multitasked.”. He can feel Toji’s presence intensify immensely and wonders if he should have just lied and apologized.

               Elska folds over in the bed and curls up in embarrassment. ‘Does he mean…he watched me do that?”, she too mortified to ask or even look at either of them.

               Naoya now walks through the door, “CHO! WHAT THE FUCK!?”. He sees Elska hiding in the bed and after seeing his friend’s bareness, freaks out. “WHAT DID YOU DO!?”, he runs to Elska who’s actively deflecting any interaction and he assumes the worse. “Baby! What happened?!”, He then sees the pink mouse on the bed and feels his left eye twitch. He snatches it from beside her and charges Choso, “YOU THOUGHT TO USE THIS ON HER?!”. He sees the surprise in Choso’s eyes and even through his anger, realizes that he jumped to conclusions.

               Elska understands this is taking a wrong turn so she sits up again and says, “I used it on myself! Choso was just taking a shower and bolted out here when I screamed!”.

               Naoya stops now, being only about a foot away from Choso. “Baby, what caused you to scream?”, he now looks at the toy with a raised eyebrow, ‘Could it really be that good?’. Choso’s eyes meet it too and the being blushes further.

               “She screamed when I came through the door, boy, calm down.” Toji is now pinching the bridge of his nose in aggravation to the endless web of miscommunication that spins between them. He walks over to Naoya and steals the mouse. “You guys need to scram for a few. She needs to feed and I’m tired of there being a god damn peanut gallery.”.

               Choso immediately rushes into the bathroom to change as Naoya pouts while walking back to Elska. “Baby, I’m parking right next door and I’ll be back as soon as you are finished.”.

               “We actually are switching rooms tonight!” Gojo now strolls in, having listened from the hall. He comprehends everything that just happened, from the dual masturbation to the sad accusations that were pointed to Choso. If he hadn’t stayed behind though Megumi would’ve seen everything before being shooed away and that’s the only thing that bothers him. ‘Toji is going to have to handle that soon…’.

               “This is my room you silver fuck, I don’t want to move.”, Toji defends his messy territory that has suffered from the multiple people using it.

               Elska is further jolted by Satoru’s sudden appearance but calmly asks, “What are you talking about Sati?”. She’s now quickly donning her ace pants while trying her best to make it seem like she’s no longer bothered by what may have taken place with Choso. ‘I’m just glad that topic got skipped over…’.

               “We’re going to a bigger room, with a bigger bed.” Gojo winks at her as he’s still bent on proving to her that the additional company can be worked with. “But you two can still feed here, I’ll have Naoya and Choso help me set everything up!”. His eyes take to Toji, “Surely you can understand why this room’s defenses are no longer suitable…”. He glances to Elska and brings his palms up to the situation they’re in with an expression that says, “Think about it.”.

               “I swear if it’s poorly designed, I’m going to snap. Color scheme and layout is everything Gojo…”, Naoya rolls his eyes as he’s really not in the position to refuse lodging but wishes he didn’t have to share everything with his cousin and him.

               Toji howls, “You fucking broke the door in the first place you cunt!”. He never knows how far the silver shaman will go but is slowly wondering if there are any boundaries at all. Becoming further irritated, he starts to manually push everyone towards hall. “Get the fuck out!”. Naoya is still protesting to being forced to leave even as Toji shuts the door in his face, hearing his whining through the wood. “Jesus Christ…they’re such fucking handful…”.

               Elska giggles to Toji’s vexation but sits on her knees as the large man returns toward her, sitting on the bed.

               Naoya is still on the other side of the door, “Choso is in there you old fart!”.

               Toji’s eyes narrow to the bathroom but before he can say anything, Choso quickly races out with soaking hair and practically runs to the door leading to the hallway. He now sighs and slouches over on the edge of the bed, “Doll…sometimes it’s so much to navigate through…”, he looks to her, “…are you not overwhelmed by all of this?”. His hand finds it’s way to her cheek after he orients his body more towards her. They’re eyes respond to each other, him not knowing who’s began glowing first.

               “It is…a lot…”. She admits while nuzzling into his hand. “…but look at how you three loners are no longer alone.”, she means it and smiles genuinely as that part does lift her heart. She watches Toji scoot back onto the bed but to his knees and her teeth peer through her lips as she gathers he’s getting straight to it. With slow motion, she crawls over top of him until she’s perfectly seated in his lap and his arms are securing her body against him. Looking down from now overhead, she chuckles, “Just like our first time…”, and brushes his hair from his face as she happily takes in the details of his rugged features. “I’m really sorry about earlier Toji…I really wasn’t expecting Sati to take us away like that. I really wasn’t expecting any of it actually.”.

               Toji can sense her guilt and feels like he should address his prior purpose. “Doll, I was just worried Gojo was taking things too far…like before. I didn’t trust that he would have your best interest at heart which is why I was so angry.”. He lifts his chin so he can tuck her head underneath it while holding her, “I am with you no matter what, never forget that.”. Toji closes his eyes as he feels her relax and cackles, “Naoya already said he wasn’t going to do that again but I feel like Gojo will still try.”. He pulls her away and bends his neck to the side to give her full access with a smile.

               “You’re too good for me, Toji…”, she laments while eyeing his neck. Instead of immediately biting him though she turns his head back towards her for a deep and passionate meeting of the lips. He responds by send his tongue into her mouth, causing her to whimper as she grips his sleek black hair with her right hand while holding his throat with her left, not even meaning to. Both of their fangs form as soon as he breaks their lustrous kiss and he again positions his head to the side as she lowers her own. She can hear him groan as her teeth skip across the skin of his neck and right as she’s about to puncture him, Satoru’s presence can be felt.

               “LOVE WAIT!” He runs over to the bed as Elska didn’t seem to even flinch. “Choso made a valid point!”, Toji’s glowing eyes finally meet his so he continues, “If Toji has Titer energy in him, this is about to be another fucking catastrophe!”.

               Toji swiftly blocks Elska from his neck and rolls over so she’s pinned to the bed, being startled by her reaction.

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Tagging : @angelofthorr

[rikiflowers]

first move; Levi

- warnings: fluff, cursing 

- modern au, Levi Ackerman x y/n 

- 2.1 k words 

- how to make the first move - 

“Behave, y/n. I don‘t want our family dishonoured because of you”. You internally rolled with your eyes, while a small smile is plastered on your face. It was the plainest task to do. Just smile, even if you want your lovely mother to shut up. Your parents and you were in the car on the way to some exclusive banquet, where the most influential people of the high society meet. Unfortunately, your family was a part of this, and you wished it wouldn’t be like this. Wealth is a disease, crippling through the minds of humans with a rising superior complex. They don’t need the amount of money; 

They just want to show it off, savouring the gazes and the whispers behind their back. It disgusts you. You’re looking out of the window, your mind was absent, flooding in some fantasy worlds you loved to read secretly, because your parents don’t want you wasting your time. Sometimes your mind drifts to a face you wanted to displace so bad. Your mind doesn’t let you, reminding you of him and it makes you sad. You wish you could talk to him, but you weren’t brave enough to do so.

The delicate dress you’re wearing sits tight on you, restricting your ability to breath properly, but who cares? As long as you look lovely. In your worlds, you hear your parents argue. Couldn’t they have done it before you were stuck with them? They’re shouting at each other the whole time, calling themselves names. Did they really love each other once? You saw for a moment the pure coldness in your father’s eyes and the hatred in your mother’s ones. 

You couldn’t believe they did love each other once. Quickly you looked away, instead watch how the sky is turning grey. It looks like rain is coming soon and you love it. The rain was always there, tapping on your windows, when you thought the whole world crumbles around you. Rain was your comforting friend.

“Ugh, it starts to rain. Make sure they have umbrellas.”, your mother spats at your father. He only nods. They seem to calm down, but the atmosphere stays uncomfortable. You sigh, but it goes gladly unheard. It felt like an eternity, but you’re finally there at the monstrous hotel, where the banquet is held. You already hear reporter, flashlights from cameras and so many people shouting. Your mind is already on the brink. The demanding look of your mother wasn’t helping at all and you pinch your dress, to calm yourself down, because your hands are trembling. Your father is the first and he gets out with such a fake smile, your mother follows him and then it was your time.

Instantly the flashlights dazzle your eyes, anxiety creeping inside of you. Your mind goes black, while your mother takes your arm, guiding you into the building. You force a smile to the reporter around you, until it’s plastered on your lips. “y/n.”. Your mother whispers at you. Before she could scold you, a familiar face appears on your sight. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. l/n. I am glad to see you.”. Abruptly your mother’s focus was on him and you internally thanked him. Erwin Smith, your best friend is captured in a hug from your father and your mother clinging to him. You felt sorry for him.

 “Erwin, I’m relieved to see you here.”, your father spoke to him with such fondness. When was the last time he spoke to you like that? “Mrs. l/n you look as beautiful as ever.”, Erwin says with a smile to your mother and you see her blushing. Disgusting. “Oh, Erwin darling, you’re flattering me.”, she replies. “You don’t mind that I take y/n with me?”, he asks gently. “Take her, we need to discuss business, anyway.”.

They didn’t even look at you, walking away to discuss some oh-so-important-business. They meant robbing the money out of people, milking them for their own benefit. “y/n, you look alluring tonight.”, he whispers in your ear and you want to punch him. “Thanks for the rescue, Erwin.”. He only waves. “I saw the look in your eyes, so it was the duty of a gentleman to rescue the princess.” A low chuckle escapes his lips and you really want to punch him. He was always so slick.

His hand is on your waist, softly guiding you. Here and there were important people and you smiled at them, talked about the weather, getting compliments. Always the same routine, but it was always too much for your mind. “By the way...”, he starts, and you look at him, while he passes you a glass full of prickling champagne. “he’s here too, so please don’t exaggerate.”.

You knew exactly who Erwin is referring to. His fingers quickly brush over your hands, a sign that he’s here. Your heart beats like crazy. You couldn’t face him. Not him, after you did-

“Does he hate me?”, you whisper, and he laughs. “After you drunkenly told him you would totally suck his dick, ugly cried and then threw up on him…I don’t know y/n.”. He was clearly joking but it hurts. “Fuck you.”. He chuckles again and you cringe so much because of the flashbacks of this one night. You never wanted to step out of your room again. Never. Erwin pats your head, grazing his fingertips over the lost strands of your hair, while you chunk down the champagne.

“Levi is on the other side of the room and he looks at me, like he wants to chop me alive.”

“What?”, you screech, not knowing how to act. “Why?”, was the next thing that escapes your lips. You don’t dare to look in the direction Erwin told you. His clear eyes lay on you, hovering over you, because he’s so huge. “Because he’s jealous.”, the blond man simply states, leaving you confused as ever.

You couldn’t reply, because you saw Levi making his way to the both of you and you want to run, quickly. In a matter of seconds, you’re heading in a random direction, not knowing where the hell you’re going. It was clear that many eyes followed you, but it doesn’t matter right now. You want to escape.

“fucking wait, brat.”, he called with his low voice and it sends shivers down your spine. The body of yours works on your own, running as your life depends on it, but unfortunately, you were too slow. His hand captures your wrist, while you’re climbing up the stairs. You nearly lost your balance.

A curse leaves your lips. “Where do you think you’re going?”, he spats while drag you downstairs. A fucking hell. “Let go, the people are looking.”, you breath, clearly feeling uncomfortable. “Fuck them, you wanted to run away like child.”, he replies.

You don’t say anything, looking anywhere but at him. The raven-haired man scoffs. “The last time you weren’t so shy at all and now you’re ignoring me and flirting with Erwin. I’m too old for plays.”, he coldly states, letting go of your wrist. Your mouth works faster than your brain. “I don’t fucking flirt with him you asshead.”, you return, clearly offended. “What?”, he slowly asks, and it feels threatening.

“you idiots, this is an important banquet, and everyone is here. Don’t make a damn scene.”. Erwin was now on your side, speaking quietly, because the people behind you started to whisper. You’re looking at the crowd, seeing your parents faces, which weren’t really pleased. Fuck. Levi scoffs. It never matters to him what others say. His reputation as a misfit in the high society fits him well. He doesn’t give a shit.

But sadly, you give a shit. “...About the shares Erwin, how could I invest in- “, you don’t know what you’re saying, but Erwin does. Your voice feels so strange, but you can’t stop. You need to hold on to the reputation your parents want so badly. He catches your back, replies to you in a different language, you think. Levi is quiet now, and you feel his eyes bore into you and it makes you tremble. He judges you.

You both were loud enough to be heard. The crowd of people disappears. They wanted a scandal, but you don’t give them one. You don’t need to feed these beasts. After a few minutes you sigh. “Thanks Erwin.”, you say to your best friend, who just smiles. “Tch.”, escapes from the lips of the raven-haired man and it makes your heart ache. He was about to turn around, but you call his name.  

He doesn’t react. “please.”, you whisper but he goes away. You set a step, but Erwin holds you, forming a silent ‘no’ with his lips. Levi’s head turns around. “chose y/n. Do you want to be a brainless princess, pampered in money or do you take your own path?”, he asks you and you nearly break down. The words hurt, because he was right. You freeze on spot and Erwin stands beside you, helplessly like you. He goes away.

It seems so fucking easy for him, but that wasn’t easy. You have no position to choose and yet he looks down on you. Anger gathers in you. You want to shout at him, you want to punch him and a small part in you wants to kiss the fuck out of him, sadly.

It was a matter of seconds that you decide what to do. You ran after him. After minutes of standing in the hallway, you ran, hoping to find the black-haired man. Nothing matters at this moment; you don’t even see Erwin’s soft smile. He’s proud of you, because you’re doing something on your own. You chose for yourself. You ran as your life depends on it. Your dress makes it hard to breathe and you were panting, but you ran, ignoring everything around you.

“Levi!”, you shout the moment you see the black hair before you on the street. He stops and the look on his face was priceless. The man was actually surprised to see you. His grey eyes are wide, looking at you, while you need to catch your breath. “y/n?”, he asks, unsure if this is really you. You realize it rains. Your neatly prepared hair is now ruined, sticks to your face, but it doesn’t matter. “You fucker.”, you spat at him. “You are jealous of fucking what?”, you shout again and Levi blinks.

He doesn’t know how to act. Your behaviour is new, and it takes some seconds for him. His ears turn red. “I wasn’t jealous.”, he replies weakly and he knows that. He’s just confused. His wet hair sticks to his face, while his beautiful eyes lay on you.

“Oh, come on!”, you laugh at him, your heart might burst. You are so brave; it also surprises you. “I know you like me, don’t act like you don’t.”. Your hand finds his well-defined chest and you push him. He takes your arm, holding you in place. “stop acting up, brat.”, he says, after his brain proceeded the situation, but you can’t have his shit anymore.

“fucking make me.”, you return.

Lips crash on lips with such force. Your breath stuck in your throat, while you don’t miss a second to move your hungry lips against his soft, intoxicated ones. You always wanted to kiss him, feeling them on your skin. It’s a hungry kiss. You both fight for dominance.

Levi holds your neck, not wanting to let go. It was hot. The rain mixes with your saliva, making it addicting. You want to drown into the feeling of his soft lips. It feels like magic, an unknown connection between you two. Levi sighs in satisfaction between some soft kisses and finally he pulls away, his face only millimetres away. You were both breathless, standing in the middle of the street and soaking wet. It doesn’t matter.

You smile and he returns it. “I guess you chose.”, he says, absorbing your eyes. “It was time.”, you brush your nose against his and then plaster a kiss on the tip. “I don’t want to know how long I had to wait, till you made the first move.”, you jokingly say but he wasn’t having it. “you mean shouting that you wanted to suck my cock and them throw up is a first move?”, he teased, and you punched him.

“Fuck you, Levi.”.

“I like you too, y/n.”, he returns and captures your lips again.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Okay so I have this idea of the boys in the modern world! Like what kind of profession/ college course would Azul, Malleus, Leona, Lilia, and Idia would take? Some modern au headcanons with them please!

Curiouser and Curiouser...

Idia Shroud...

...would be an e-girl Twitch streamer that sells his bath water a famous video game let’s player or streamer, maybe even a professional gamer.

But the type that doesn’t show his face, or uses some kind of prop to censor his face whenever he happens to be on camera.

His online personality and his real life personality are so different...! Idia turns down invitations to conventions and fan meets because he worries about how his followers and fellow content creators. will perceive those very different sides to him.

He still makes bank off of his merch though.

I can see him taking college courses for tech-related things so he always has an excuse to hole up in his room and avoid normies. Computer science, video game design, etc.

He does well in school, but if he ever needs to give a speech/presentation or do a group assignment, well...Idia’s gonna bomb it. Thanks a lot, crippling social anxiety.

Disturbs his room mates and his neighbors constantly because of his video game raging late into the night.

The type to show up to lectures in his pajamas if he shows up at all.

Looks like he has gotten zero sleep all the time even if he slept for a full day and then some.

Wears headphones everywhere in public and blasts music at maximum volume so everyone around him can hear it and knows that he doesn’t want to be disturbed.

Llilia Vanrouge...

...is a child daycare worker or a teacher. On weekends, he moonlights as the lead guitarist and vocalist for a death metal band (though he never brings this up in parent-teacher conferences)

He studied history in college, but he discovered his love for childcare when he was tutoring high school students in history as part of a volunteering program...so Lilia changed career paths!

Don’t get him wrong, he still loves history and he’ll tell the little tots under his care all about the most interesting tidbits of it.

But everyone loves him, from his coworkers to the parents to the children under his care. Lilia is just loads of fun--but he knows when he needs to dial back and be serious, too.

Back in school, he was always getting into trouble for small pranks. Spooking the other students, drawing on school property with chalk, etc.--nothing that would get him expelled.

Kind of an easy-going student. If he did well, that’s great. If he did’t do well, that’s also fine! He goes with the flow and doesn’t sweat the details.

Lilia worked really hard for his degree though, especially since he changed it abruptly into something so different.

He volunteered a lot during his studies, wishing to give back to the community and to be with the children even before he had his degree.

Leona Kingscholar...

...is an unemployed rich kid living off of daddy’s money. He’s the second son to some big business or even actual real life royalty.

Have you see how lazy this man is? Of course he doesn’t have a job.

Leona only attends college because his parents threatened to completely cut him off if he didn’t. (”Your older brother Farena went to college, found himself a nice girl, and got himself a stable job that pays well; why don’t you too?”)

Probably got in on an athletic scholarship. What a chad.

He studies liberal arts, English literature, or women’s studies (because he thinks those subjects are easiest to pass with minimum effort and because he respects women).

Very sleepy boi. Falls asleep during the first few seconds of every single lecture (if he’s even there on time), and it is impossible to wake him up.

Shows up late to class. Like...five minutes before the end of class late.

He falls asleep in the most random public places all over campus.

The master at pulling all-nighters.

Most likely sleeps around (both literally and metaphorically).

Popular with the ladies, even if he doesn’t go out of his way to pursue many. Leona won’t force himself onto them, but he won’t say no if they proposition him and he’s feeling bored enough. Might as well have some fun while he’s forced to be here, right?

Has zero idea where he is going in life. Don’t we all?

Malleus Draconia...

...studies architecture, or art history.

He’s so fascinated by the design of buildings and how styles have changed so much over time.

Tends to daydream. This, paired with his resting bitch face and inimidating aura, makes everyone fear him.

Malleus likes to walk around town and the college campus just to enjoy the buildings. Because of this, his peers think of him as “the local scary-looking weirdo”.

Comments like that hurt him, but Malleus tends to bottle up his emotions and be sad about it in the comfort of his personal quarters.

Malleus tries showing up to publicized college events and every club meeting he can think of, but people tend to keep their distance from him.

Probably phones up his family every other night just to check on them and hear their voices. He’s very lonely...

Has a hard time finding a job because many people are intimidated by how he looks. Ends up overwhelming many interviewers.

Probably works part-time at a discreet WcDonald’s location. Nothing glamorous or high-paying, but Malleus doesn’t expect anything like that while he’s still a student. Plus, he is still thankful for the job experience.

Lands a job at a big building firm after college; quickly rises through the ranks and becomes the CEO. All of his haters must be jealous now, huh?

Still, Malleus feels no ill will towards them. He hopes he can be friends with them at the college reunions.

Azul Ashengrotto...

...works as a drug dealer barista and manager of a coffee shop or cafe. If you want to get darker, he runs a casino (where everything is rigged in his favor) and/or is a mafia lord (just look at Octavinelle’s aesthetic) by night.

He dual-majors in business and law because his brain is just that large.

Straight A student, in the honors program, and a teacher’s pet. Most likely a full ride scholarship as well.

Also the president of student government or the head of a club--Azul has stacked his resume with achievements and titles. Employers will be tripping over themselves to hire him.

Azul applies what he’s studying in college into his business (albeit in less-than-savory ways) to maximize his profits and to scare of unruly customers.

He has a lot of friends in college, but he’s not particularly close to any of them.

Binge eats when he’s stressed.

Do not bring up school prior to college life to him; Azul will get war flashbacks to the time when he was bullied. He refuses to talk about his past, and if you keep persisting, he will get back at you.

Despises group projects; he ends up doing all of the hard work. He’s super passive aggressive about it.

Snitches on anyone that crosses him, even slightly. Azul is very petty. Oh, you forgot to return that pencil that he so generously lent you for the exam? Well, prepare to have your embarrassing photos from that one crazy party leaked to the college newspaper.

[trulycevans]

our perfect little family

Warnings: swearing, a bad pregnancy experience 

Summary: anon requested:

“hi!! i absolutely love ur imagines 🥺 i was thinking maybe u could do one where chris’ gf is pregnant and they break up (unrelated to the pregnancy) but chris still is in her life and they get back together after the baby is born 👉👈 just an idea! hope u’re staying safe! <3″

Word Count: 1.7k

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

[A/N I’ve never been pregnant so I don’t know much about the ins and outs of it, I’ve tried as much as possible to be accurate but if anything isn’t quite right you know why]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You paced the bathroom of yours and Chris’ shared home. Heart in your throat as you watched the timer on your phone. You sat down on the toilet lid, knees bobbing, head in your hands. Never had you expected to feel the amount of dread you did at that moment. While many people in a relationship feel excited about a possible pregnancy, you on the other hand felt a sense of impending doom. 

The alarm beeped on your phone causing your breath to hitch in your throat. “Ok [Y/N], you’ve got this. No matter what it says you’ll be okay” You muttered a pep talk to yourself as you twisted to pick up the pregnancy test from the sink. “Fuck,” the two lines on the pregnancy test were bold and dark. There was no denying or doubting whether your child was currently growing inside you. 

Your head began to spin. Yours and Chris’ relationship had been rocky for a few months and was hanging on by a thread. Virtually every conversation you would have would be an argument, which lead to Chris sleeping on the sofa and an awkward apology the next morning. However, this was cyclical and happened most nights. You ached for the relationship you once had, one filled with laughter and joy. With stolen kisses and romantic endeavours. 

Your hand moved down to your stomach, “Hello baby,” You whispered, your eyes beginning to well with tears. “I’m gonna protect you no matter what-” You were interrupted by the sound of your boyfriend shouting you from downstairs. “Where are you? I’ve been looking for you. I-” He pushed the door of your en suite open, his gaze dropping to the pregnancy test in your grasp and your hand held softly on your belly. 

“What’s that?” He asked softly, frozen in his spot in the doorway. You didn’t respond, silently handing him the pregnancy test. His poker face while studying the white stick in front of him made you flood with concern, your hand never leaving your stomach as your knee continued to bob anxiously. 

“You’re pregnant?” He finally whispered looking up at you with watery eyes, causing you to nod. He cautiously walked toward you, kneeling next to you on the cold tiles. He delicately lifted his hand so that his fingertips could brush your cheek softly, causing you to look at his face, a small smile etched on his face, as slow tears trickled down his cheeks. 

“I know things haven’t been great between us recently...” He hesitated, taking a second to breathe and observe your reaction. “But you don’t know how happy this makes me.” His voice was barely audible.

“We-We’re gonna make this work right Chris?” You questioned, “No matter what happens this baby is always gonna have us right?” 

“That’s what you’ve been worrying about?” He asked incredulously, “No matter what I’m gonna be there for our child... Nothing in the world would ever stop me from being the best Dad.” His hand hesitantly drifted to your own that rested upon your belly, as if seeking permission from you, unsure of how you would react. 

“That’s our baby in there Chris” You whispered, and he gave your hand a tight squeeze as he interlocked his fingers with yours. A comfortable silence washed over the two of you, and you prayed that this feeling would never end. 

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

But of course it did. A baby was never going to fix the problems you and Chris had had. You both quickly realised that the stress of your relationship was not good for you or the baby. So just as you entered the second trimester you and Chris had ended your relationship, a mutual decision that pained the both of you each day. 

Chris had moved out of your shared home, not wanting you to have to put too much pressure or stress on yourself by being the person to leave. So as you spent the first night alone in your large Boston home you had cried whilst sitting on the sofa, Dodger curled up on your lap as the sounds of your sobs echoed across the empty halls. Your phone beeped on the coffee table in front of you and you leaned forward to retrieve it and read the message.

chris 🤍: I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so grateful for everything you have, had and will do for me and our child. Sleep well, I’ll see you soon x

Silent tears trickled down your face as your heart shattered even more.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The pregnancy passed in a blur and you had hated every minute of it. Not only were the hormones surging through your body making you feel emotionally, mentally and physically horrendous, but your crippling loneliness made it awful as well. Yes, you had yours and Chris’ family around you in the day which made it that little bit easier. But at night when it was just you and Dodger alone in the house, the house that was a constant reminder of your failed relationship. 

Chris had tried to be there for you in any way he could, and it pained him to see you so damaged by the pregnancy. He felt to blame, and yet it was inappropriate of him to try and help relieve some of your symptoms. 

Chris on the day that marked exactly four weeks before your due date had found himself parked up on the driveway of your home just watching you and waiting in case anything happened. You were struggling to walk at this stage and while you had insisted to Chris that you could take care of yourself (”Chris I’ve got this, go home I’ll be fine” you had winced as a sharp pain shot through your back). However, he knew that was just your stubbornness shining through. 

So to settle his nerves Chris had camped outside of your house in his car, just in case you needed him, and as he watched you through the window standing at the kitchen. He smiled, staring at your swollen belly as you chopped vegetables at the island. His adoration for you had only grown throughout your pregnancy, he craved your attention and affection, he wanted nothing more than to be able to stand behind you now hands on your swelling stomach, kissing your hair comfortingly as you talk about your day. 

His affection was quickly converted to concern however as he watched your eyes widen and hands clutch your stomach. He leant forward as he watched your look down at the floor and then grab your phone, his own beginning to ring immediately. 

“Hey!” He answered, “What’s wrong?”

“You’re still outside aren’t you?” You questioned wincing. 

“Yeah, why?” Chris breathed, anxiety piling up with every second that passed. 

“I-I think my water just broke” You breathed, Chris immediately jumped out of the car, dropping his phone into the centre console. He raced into the house, fumbling with his keys to open the door. When finally the lock gave and he was able to rush inside he found you knelt on the kitchen floor trying to clean up the fluid that had leaked.

“Babe what are you doing?” He questioned incredulously, the nickname rolling off his tongue out of habit.

“Labour could take days, and then I’ll probably stay at the hospital for a few more. I��m not coming back in pain after having this baby and having to clean up the floor,” You explained, causing Chris to let out an exasperated laugh. “And what do you think I’m gonna be doing when this baby comes, just watching you do everything. I’ll clean this up for you” He knelt down in front of you taking the cloth from your hand. “Why don’t you head out to the car?” He questioned, “I’ll grab the bag and take Dodger round to Mrs. Dalloway.” All you could do was nod as a contraction occurred, causing your face to scrunch up and you to moan in pain. 

Chris dashed around the house making sure everything was in order as you shuffled to the car. When he eventually climbed into the car, the faint sound of the radio as you text yours and Chris’ parents to let them know what was happening so they could meet you at the hospital. “You ready to have a baby?” He questioned, and you nodded wide eyed. A sense of fear reverberating between you. 

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

36 hours. That’s how long it took for you to bring Emilia Grace Evans into the world. But it was so worth it. The moment you and Chris heard her cries you had made eye contact and shed tears. You fell back onto the hospital bed exhausted as the nurses shuffled to take care of you.

“Well done,” Chris whispered brushing your sweat-ridden hair away from your face. “You did so well,” He pressed a firm kiss to your temple as the midwife congratulated you on your baby girl. She was placed onto your chest, and at last you felt at peace. You felt normal again for the first time in eight months, and as your eyes moved from your beautiful newborn daughter to your ex-boyfriend, you knew that you couldn’t do this without him. The adoration in his eyes as he watched you whisper comforting words to your daughter. 

It was an unspoken agreement to continue your relationship. It naturally just happened. The moment you were discharged from hospital Chris had gradually moved back into your home. You shared a bed again, he cared for you as you recovered from the ordeal that was giving birth. 

And after a month of living this way you had asked what you were while rocking Emilia to sleep on your porch swing. “We’re just us, [Y/N]” Chris whispered. “We’re just our perfect little family” He smiled as Dodger nuzzled his leg.

“Our perfect little family,” You repeated, looking up at him and leaning up to kiss him as the evening sun washed over you.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

taglist

@onetwo3000​ @tvckerlance​

[cafedanslanuit]

you keep on smiling || mirio x reader

genre; angst & hurt/comfort

warnings; descriptions of panic attacks, mentions of anxiety and death.

words; 3.9k

summary; even if your boyfriend is really supportive, anxiety always ends up making you say words you later regret. only this time, you may have to stop feeling bad about yourself for a moment in order to take care to the person who has always been there for you.

notes; this may be one of my favourite pieces on here, mostly because i really loved mirio’s reaction to the reader’s panic attack, as it is an actual therapeutical technique i’ve seen done wonders for people. also i tried to piece together mirio’s canon breakdown when he lost nighteye to the next time we see him, where he’s smiling again. i really hope you like this as much as i do <3

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。

"What are you doing here?" you asked, your eyes opened in fear. Mirio looked down at you, seeing how you were hugging your knees against your chest, sitting down on the janitor's closet. He closed the door behind him and crouched in front of you.

"Nejire told me you were here," he answered. He tried to touch your cheek but you flinched away. "Is it your anxiety again?"

"Yes," you muttered, not meeting his eyes.

"What triggered it this time?"

"Why does that matter to you?" you spat, turning your head at him. Mirio smiled.

"I do know your main triggers. So if I know which one it was, maybe I can help out," he explained. You rolled your eyes, hating how your body was still trembling. "Want to try breathing with me?" he offered, changing to a sitting position.

You loved him more than life but, at that moment, all you wanted was for him to disappear. The realization of it made your heart clench in pain. He didn’t deserve that. Mirio deserved so much more than you could offer him and yet there he was, ready to do whatever it took to soothe you. How could a man like this had laid eyes on you? Why was he enduring you so much? The more you thought about it, the past year of your relationship made less and less sense.

"Fuck, no. Mirio, just...” you sighed. “If someone locked themselves in a janitor's closet is because they want to be alone."

"I know, but breathing with me helped you before, remember?" he cocked his head to the side.

"Go away.”

Why was he even here? Why did he keep trying to help? Why couldn’t he see there was no use in trying to fix you? That battle was long lost and no matter how much he tried, he wouldn’t be able to change anything.

"Sunshine, I just want to see you smile again. Trust me, I know how bad it can get, but..."

Your laughter interrupted him, a dark tint in it Mirio hadn't heard before. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly but said nothing.

"You know how bad it can get? That's fucking rich coming from you" you huffed, a mocking smile on your lips.

"I know life can be frustrating. You know how much trouble I used to have with my quirk"

"As everyone did. You think that's hard? That kid from 1-A, the one who is doing his internship with you, I heard he keeps breaking his bones every week because he can't control his quirk. Fuck, even Tamaki, part of 'The Big Three'..." you said, making air quotes mockingly. "He had trouble with his quirk as well. I remember how badly everyone used to laugh at him during our first year. I’m really happy how much he has grown, but I've known that dude for three years and we've never had an one-on-one conversation that lasted longer than twenty seconds. Why? Because of his crippling anxiety. That's having it rough."

Mirio looked at you in silence, his lips slightly pursed. His patient way of caring for you made the trembling worse. Your chest clenched, making it more difficult to breathe. You couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen, but didn’t have a clue on what could it be. All you needed was him to go away, but if you knew him at all, you knew he wouldn’t bulge.

Go away, please. Leave me alone, I beg of you. Leave, leave, leave.

“You have lovely parents who support you no matter what. You have a group of friends that has your back. You’re part of the Big Three of U.A. So don’t come here and talk to me about you knowing how rough it can get when the only reason you smile so fucking much is because you’ve never been so engulfed by darkness all you wanted was your life to fucking end!” you yelled, your voice breaking at the end. More tears travelled down your cheeks, your sobs shallow and quick, as you felt your throat closing more and more with every second.

“Inhale” Mirio instructed you, placing a hand on your bent knee. You tried replying back, but you couldn’t form any words. “No, don’t talk. Inhale” he repeated, his voice now stern and the smile he had been wearing long gone. You breathed through your nose, your eyes locked on him. “Good. Hold it. And… exhale through your mouth” 

You did as told, and obliged when he repeated the steps three more times. Breathing became easier and you wished the pain on your chest disappeared as well. You kept messing everything up. You wouldn’t be able to be a hero if you kept having these panic attacks whenever something triggered memories from your past. If you needed assistance to even remember how to breathe, what kind of hero would you be? If you weren’t able to save yourself, how could anyone expect you to save someone else?

“Tell me five things you can see,” Mirio said, interrupting your thoughts.

“What?”

“Five objects around you. Name then, come on,” he insisted. He looked around and pointed at a broom. “That’s a broom. You go.”

You looked at him for a few seconds, confused as to why he was asking you to do that. When you realized he didn’t react to your scrunched face, but rather kept a firm expression as if he was truly expecting you to do as told, you decided you could maybe give it a try. Your eyes went to the broom he had pointed at and then noticed a mop resting alongside it.

“A mop,” you said, earning a nod from your boyfriend. He raised one finger and you continued looking around. “Gum wrap on the floor. A bottle of bleach.” Mirio kept rising his fingers to help you keep count. “A pile of newspapers. And… an old calendar on the wall”

Feeling some discomfort as you spoke, you cleared your throat but immediately winced at how badly it hurt. Had you really been breathing from your mouth that much time?

“Good. Four things you can touch,” Mirio continued. You pouted, still not getting what his point was. “Just do it, sunshine”.

You stroked the floor under you, feeling how rough and dirty it was. “The floor,” you breathed out. “This metal shelf…, this bottle,” you said, grabbing a bottle of floor wax. “And… this bucket”.

“Now, three things you can hear. Try and listen, okay?”

Mirio moved his fingers on top of his mouth, resembling a zipper. For the first time in several minutes, you noticed your breathing wasn’t as ragged as it was before. It was so quiet you didn’t have to try hard to listen to our own heartbeat, still beating at a quick pace. You closed your eyes and recognized the sound of chatter from the hallway, probably some students walking by. After taking a deep breath, you were able to notice shouting coming from one of the training grounds that were behind the school building. You opened your eyes again.

“My heartbeat, some students talking and other students training” you muttered, placing a strand of your hair behind your ear. Mirio nodded and straightened his back.

“Two things you can smell”

You furrowed our eyebrows as you tried to concentrate.

“Cleaning products… maybe bleach? And… your cologne” you added, noticing the corner of his mouth slightly rising at your answer.

“Finally, one thing you can taste in your mouth”

You pursed your lips, tongue darting around the insides of your mouth, trying to notice any trace of flavour you could recognize.

“Mint?”

“Yeah, you really like those mint drops” Mirio smiled softly. He paused for a moment and then ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re feeling better?”

Taking a short moment to assess yourself, you noticed the pressure on your head wasn’t there anymore. Your heartbeat was noticeable slower and, without realizing it, you had been breathing just fine while you were trying to follow his commands. The trembling was finally gone and you couldn’t felt but feel hopeful. Immediately taken aback by such a positive feeling, you also took notice in how thoughts about you not being worth Mirio’s or anyone’s attention stopped making sense. He loved you as much as you loved him. Of course he wanted to be there when you were feeling low. You would do the same for him. You had been friends for more than two years now and had started dating a little more than a year ago. That was a bond that couldn’t be broken easily.

“Yeah, what was that about?”

“It’s called grounding. I read about it when Tamaki was having problems and it seemed to help him” Mirio explained with a small shrug. “You feel like going somewhere else?”

You shook your head. “Not really”. Yes, you were feeling considerably better than when he first came into the closet, but you felt as if you has just a marathon. Even if you had been sitting the whole time, your thighs and arms felt like giving out.

“Want me to stay with you?” Mirio offered. You looked at his hopeful expression and then looked down with guilt. How could you say no after he had been so attentive? Would it be selfish if you needed some time alone to rest before acting normal again? “Hey, it’s okay.” he continued. “I’ll leave you alone now. If you want to talk or meet up sometime, call me. I have a mission tomorrow morning, but should be done with it before it’s dark,” he added, trying to muster up a smile and failing. You nodded, your eyes fixed on your bent knees. Moments later, the sound of a door closing behind him let you know he had finally listened to your plead to be left alone.

Never in a million years, you thought the next time you saw him he would be on a hospital bed.

Nejire had called you while you had been resting at your house, informing you they had had an undercover mission and that there some students had been injured. Apart from the 1-A class, Tamaki was stable but was still bandaged up and they wanted to keep him for observation. And Mirio…

“And Mirio…?” you repeated pressing your phone closer to your ear. You heard her taking a deep breath before speaking again.

“He lost his quirk. And Nighteye is dead” she sentenced.

As you were asking her further questions about what had happened, you left your house running. You hailed a cab and instructed him to take you to the hospital your friend had mentioned. She wasn’t able to give you much information about the mission as it was classified, so you had a hard time understanding how could someone lose their quirk as quick and simple as Mirio apparently had. What kind of villain had they had to face that was able to take down Nighteye?

“How’s he doing?” you asked as you handed the driver some money and began jogging to the hospital’s elevator.

“I think he may want to see you” she just said. You bit your tongue and thanked her, informing your friend you had arrived at the hospital. Before hanging up the phone, she instructed you how to get to Mirio’s room.

Guilty crept up your throat as you watched the numbers on the elevator screen change. You knew Mirio was the most understanding person on Earth and would know you weren’t in your right mind the last time you had talked but fuck, how had you managed to choose the worst last words to say to him. It really was a cruel twist that you shoved to his face he hadn’t been through hell like you or his friends when he was now facing one of the worsts nightmares a hero could have. And of top of that, losing his mentor on the same day was certainly the proof you needed there was no God. There was no way such a big and divine entity existed and let someone as pure and good as Mirio lose two of the most important things he had in his life. You always knew Mirio deserved more; more than U.A. could offer, more than his agency could offer, more than you could ever offer. Why did this have to happen to him? It didn’t feel real, but your nightmares never lasted that long.

You reached his room and hesitated a bit. Would he ever want to see you? In any other situation, you had no doubt he would love to spend time by your side, but these circumstances were definitely something no one could have predicted. Maybe, for the first time in forever, he wanted to be alone. Maybe he was resting from a procedure and your voice would make his head hurt instead of helping him rest. You shook your head at those thoughts. No. Not today, Satan. Nejire had told you he wanted to see you, and you would give in to anything he wanted.

Shuffling sounds came from his room and you tensed up. Maybe someone was already there? Suspecting it was maybe the hospital staff, you decided to wait a little while until they left his room and then take the chance to enter. You turned your head and looked at some empty chairs on the hallways a perfect waiting spot until he was ready to see you.

Before you could take your first step, the door opened, revealing your boyfriend in a hospital gown, several bandages covering his arms, legs and head. His messy hair made him look even younger than he was. He blinked twice, his mouth slightly opened in surprise at your figure looking up to him.

“Hey, how did you…?”

“Nejire told me”

“She seems to be our mediator” Mirio chuckled. “I wanted something from the vending machine, wanna walk with me?” You nodded and followed him in silence.

As Mirio looked across the screen of the machine, you wondered what you could say to him. You knew asking him how he was doing would be useless. Of course he wasn’t doing okay, he had lost the quirk he had worked so hard to master. Should you bring out the subject about Nighteye, or was it too soon for him to talk about it? Mirio was usually the one who calmed you down and now that your roles had reversed you were clueless on what to do or say. When he pressed the code of the candy bar he wanted, you stopped him with a waving motion of your hand. You took your wallet out of your purse and inserted the money on the machine. Mirio thanked you, but his smile quickly faded when he tried to bend down and retrieve the candy. He grabbed his stomach and hissed, his face scrunching in pain.

“I’m gonna get a nurse” you muttered, looking around to see if someone was on the hallway.

“Hey, no, I’m okay. I just moved too fast” he excused himself, a weak smile on his face. You bit your lip. “Really, sunshine. I’m good now” Mirio straightened his spine and rested a hand on his hip for support.

“Want anything to drink?” you asked, tilting your head to the tea and coffee vending machine next to the one you had just used.

Mirio shook his head as he breathed deeply. You crouched and retrieved the candy bar Mirio had chosen and then gave it back to him. Mirio and you walked to his room in silence and you tried your best not to give much thought to the way he seemed to be limping a bit. How badly had he really be injured? You knew it came with the job, but the way he kept on trying to smile made your heart clench in pain.

Both of you sat on his hospital bed, Mirio entertained as he tried to open the package of his candy bar while you looked down at your hands. You had never been good with words, but this was just sad. No matter how difficult it was to muster the perfect reaction to his loss, anything was better than staying silent.

Mirio took a bite of the candy bar and you felt like crying. He was so perfect, so good and so pure. If given the chance, you wouldn’t even let wind touch him, you would hold him in your arms and protect him from anything than could hurt him and never let go. Feeling that way towards a hero was always a game set up to lose and you had tried to reason with the idea before, but seeing him wearing that hospital robe and eating candy made you remember both of you were, after all, still kids. Maybe you were both eighteen but you were still in school. It was a broken system. You had no idea about what happened during the mission, but you knew they should have protected Mirio. He shouldn’t be mourning the loss of his mentor and quirk on the same day.

“I’m sorry about Nighteye,” you muttered after a few minutes in silence. “I know he was very special to you.” Mirio left the remaining of his candy bar on the nightstand and let out a long sigh. “I’m also sorry about your quirk” you continued. “And… about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean a word of it. I was just… angry and afraid, and I took it out of you. I shouldn't have, that wasn't kind of me."

"I never expect you to be kind when you're in the middle of a panic attack. Your mind is screaming 'danger', I kind of understand you shoving away people" Mirio reasoned.

"Yet you always wait for me” you reminded him.

“Because I know that's not you” he said, cocking his head to your direction. “So I shouldn’t hold it against you”. Mirio raised his eyebrows playfully  and you took his hand in yours.

“I wish I could do something to help you. If there’s anything… anything I can do to somehow make you feel a little bit better, tell me so. I’ll try my best” you assured him, squeezing his hand. Mirio looked at you and smiled truthfully for the first time since you had arrived to the hospital.

“I’m just glad you’re here” he admitted, squeezing your hand back. “Thank you for coming, sunshine”.

“Anytime. So if you need to talk about what happened today, I’m here to listen. If you’d rather not talk about it, then I’ll come up with different topics and keep your mind busy. How does that sound?” you asked with a small smile.

“Hmm…” Mirio pursed his lips, his eyes travelling across his hospital room as he gave your question some thought. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and looked at you with a grin. “You know why I call you sunshine?”

“Because you… like the sun?” you shrugged, a playful smile on your lips. Mirio laughed and intertwined his fingers with yours.

“No, that’s not it. It’s because… I know you’ve been through really bad situations when you were young”. He made a pause as he looked at your intertwined fingers. “I know you even sometimes dream about them,” he added with a soft voice.

“How did you--” you stuttered, taken aback by his confession.

“We’ve spent the night together before, remember? Sometimes you mumble in your sleep”

“Fuck… Really?” you squeezed your eyes shut and let out a nervous laugh. “How much did I share?” you asked, opening one eye.

“Oh, don’t worry” Mirio assured you, stroking the back of your hand with his thumb. “You just suddenly tense up and… cry. My point is, I know it’s been rough for you and I know sometimes memories of it make you fall down, filled with fear. I’m sorry you still have to go through that. But sunshine… you still laugh when pigeons run across the street instead of flying. You always laugh at my jokes, no matter how corny they are. At first, I thought you were just being nice, but after this year we’ve spent together, I’ve come to realize you actually find them funny. You swing your legs and hum when you’re on the bus. You get excited every time you spot a dog while we’re patrolling,” he remembered, grinning. Mirio took your other hand in his and squeezed them both. “The world took your childhood away, but it didn’t manage to take your smile. Whether it rains or pours, you keep on shining. Just like the sun”.

A tear fell down your cheek but you quickly wiped it off with your clothed shoulder. You laughed softly, sniffling a bit.

“I was supposed to come here to make you feel better, not the other way around,” you joked. Letting go of his hands, you scooted on his hospital bed and opened your arms, gesturing for him to come closer. Mirio obliged happily, circling your waist with a big grin. As he was laying his head on your chest, he winced in pain, his hand shooting to his ribs.

“Easy there, soldier. This time I’ve got you, okay?” you ran your fingers across his blonde locks and pressed a kiss on the top of his head. Mirio let his body relax again and was finally able to lay on top of you. He nuzzled his face against your neck, making you giggle.

“I probably won’t be going back to U.A.,” he mentioned. You nodded and let out a long sigh.

“Yeah. But I still got you, whatever you decide to do” you assured him, earning a soft kiss on the base of your neck. “No matter what happens, I’m here for the long run. You’re gonna be fine”

“I know” he replied, his thumb stroking your waist. “Because if you have learnt to smile despite everything, then I can too” he reasoned. You smiled and ran your fingers across his head, caressing his blonde locks. “You inspire me so much, sunshine. But...” he paused for a moment. “I really feel like crying now” he admitted with an amused laugh.

“Then cry. I’ll be here” you whispered.

A few seconds later, you felt Mirio’s body trembling on top of you, his hold on your body tightening. He cried for several minutes as you kept running your fingers across his scalp, neck and shoulders. It was the first time you had seen him crying and it was the most heartbreaking thing you’ve ever experienced. Determined to be his rock, you stopped yourself from crying along with him, breathing deeply every time you felt a lump on your throat.

“How long does this last?” he suddenly asked, his voice small, a bit muffled by how his face was still pressed against your chest. “After losing someone… how long before the pain goes away?”

You grabbed Mirio’s chin and softly moved it on your direction, making him look at you. Smiling softly, you cradled his face with your hand and stroke his cheek with your thumb.

“It never does. It doesn’t stop hurting, ever. But… you learn to live with it” you said, wiping away your boyfriend’s tears. “And someday… you’ll think of them and you won’t cry anymore. Being happy becomes a way of honouring them”

Mirio nodded and buried his face on your chest again. You spent the next hours holding him close as he mourned his loss. His weight increased when he finally fell asleep, but you decided to let him rest as much as he could, knowing pain always came with exhaustion. It wasn’t until a nurse came, asking you to leave as visiting hours were over, that you softly rolled him over and pressed a kiss on his cheek, whispering a goodbye. Mirio sleepily mumbled a response, making you smile at his peaceful expression.

He had a long road ahead of him after this. But if you knew anything about Togata Mirio was that he would smile again. After all, the fire inside his heart was warm enough to kickstart his heart once again.

[frosteee]

The Existential Terror of Asura [Soul Eater]

It's been a long time since I've thought about Soul Eater, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I wanted to talk about it. I've been thinking maybe a bit too much, which is relevant.

Asura resonated (sorry) with me years ago when I first got into the series, and he does even more now, for what he says about fear and its effects, and how the wrong response to individuals suffering from that fear can cause a spiral into even worse depths.

[LONG ASS POST UNDER CUT]

Lord Death created the first Kishin, Asura. Literally and figuratively. There's no two ways about it. Excalibur tells him as much in his final moments, telling him how wrong it was to create a being out of his own fears. Lord Death acknowledges that Asura, his own son, was created as an experiment, a means to the end of becoming a perfect god of Absolute Order. The quote from Voltaire's short story 'Memnon' comes to mind here: 'One day, Memnon conceived the insane idea of becoming perfectly wise.'

This foolish, if well-intentioned, effort was successful in Lord Death's case, but the consequences for those around him were horrendous. Early in the manga, Lord Death is unable to admit it out loud. Even the way he recounts Asura's fall into madness and betrayal, and how he dealt with that consequence, speaks to Lord Death's detachment, his lack of compassion and understanding at that time. He removes his relation to Asura entirely, removing the truth of the matter and placing himself on the moral high ground in the process.

When he is recounting Asura's downfall, Lord Death remarks that he did not know what lay in Asura's heart, pondering if it was fear. He does not seem to realise or take responsibility for the fact that Asura is literally his anxiety incarnate. He understood on some level that no being, god or otherwise, could stand such a condition, and was careful not to make the same mistake with Kid, but Lord Death (at that point) was unable to admit or think of Asura as anything other than a traitor and a threat.

Lord Death taught Kid that the real purpose of a Reaper was balance - conveniently forgetting to mention how he came by that particular titbit of wisdom - his eldest son, the most unbalanced creature to ever breathe.

I remember being in the car on my way to school with my dad. At the time I was suffering from an intense anxious phase where I was deathly afraid of bad weather - even something as harmless as dark clouds. I would cry when I opened my curtains and looked out. I didn't want to leave the house. I remember my dad saying to me: "You keep this up, and you'll be a nervous wreck."

That scared me, but I didn't know what to do to stop being scared. My fixation with the weather passed, somehow, later, but when I was in the grip of it I was powerless to do anything because I didn't understand, and neither did my parents. I was already a nervous wreck, and the prospect of a future where this continued, or became worse, only terrified me more.

Luckily, while my dad was never the best at handling my fears (more from his own 'pick yourself up' mindset and fear for me than disinterest or lack of love), my mum was always there to get me the help I needed and talk to me about my feelings. I still struggle today, but I have a good support system and am better equipped to handle and understand my feelings.

Asura had nothing and nobody like that. His father, Lord Death, created a fully mature being with full concept of his own makeup - the fears that Lord Death had discarded, the fears that made Lord Death flawed, imperfect, and wrong. Lord Death made a son of one of the the most corrosive and self-sabotaging emotions and was surprised when that didn't turn out well!

Lord Death saw a man, his son, so utterly terrified by the world, people, and himself, that he couldn't bear to go out without the protection of layers upon layers of clothing, a being so crippled by fear that he kept everything and everybody at arm's length, even his own partner Vajra, and spent his days in a state of constant introspection, barely paying attention to the outside world and mumbling incoherently.

Lord Death looked at that man, that firstborn child of his, and allowed that to continue. There's no indication he tried to ease Asura's anxieties, or help him in any way. Asura was a powerful member of his elite order, and that seemed to be all that mattered until it was too late. What kind of parent sees their child in such a state and does nothing?

Who looks at this and does nothing?

Lord Death created a nervous wreck of a man, and was both surprised and furious when that nervous wreck finally broke under the strain. Lord Death and others talk about Asura 'forgetting his discipline/teachings' and disobeying, like he was supposed to magically be able to handle being mortally afraid!

Being so helpless against the condition of his being, Asura sought the only thing available to him - the only thing he was valued for: power, and disobeyed his father.

Lord Death's response? To rip all of Asura's skin off his body and seal him inside it for the next eight hundred years, and doing everything possible to keep Asura there.

We all know that sealing something away and putting a rug over it never works, especially in fiction, so it was only a matter of time before Asura was freed, but in an emotional and moral point of view it was so, so wrong.

Asura had been gripped in fear for all his life, unable to healthily cope with it, and spent so much time in his own head his thoughts were coming out of his mouth as frantic whispers. The worst thing Lord Death could have possibly thought of as a punishment was to isolate Asura entirely.

I don't remember if this appeared in the manga, but in the anime (Lord Death and Asura's second/final confrontation), Asura tells Death of the things he thought about while in that sack of skin, because the only freedom he had left was to think. The worst possible thing for anyone, especially someone suffering from anxiety, is to do nothing but think. All this exercise does, and did with Asura, is exacerbate and breed more anxieties, and further embed them into the mind.

Left with nobody but himself to find a way out of the existential terror of his own thoughts, Asura came to realise that he had been an experiment, a tool, not a son. He refers to our heroes at puppets of Lord Death, as he once was, and regards Lord Death as nothing but a tyrant. Up until the revelation that he and Kid are brothers, Kid himself had never questioned Lord Death. Asura had eight hundred years to do that.

Eight hundred years in a stew of your own existential dread.

In the anime series, Asura concluded that it was the ability to imagine the future that was the source of fear. He who had spent so long terrified of the what if's and maybes, tortured by uncertainty, he sought to create a world where there was nothing but the immediate, static present, where nothing like that could exist.

Lord Death's response? "Sorry, I'll kill you for real this time" or "I've had enough of your rants!"

In either anime or manga, he never addresses or responds to Asura's thoughts or feelings. Even when Lord Death realised the error of making his eldest son the way he was, he never communicated this to Asura personally. To Asura he was flippant, dismissive and angry, acting as if Asura was solely responsible for the evil he did when Lord Death knew it wasn't. He'd sooner punish and hurt Asura than actually help him, a consequence of becoming 'Order' with no room for those who challenge or question it. It's like taking a young offender into a prison full of nasty criminals and violence and being shocked when they come out worse than when they went in.

His suffering son is a blemish, a shame, a threat. At one point, Lord Death even threatens to put Asura through the same existential hell again. Can people really blame Asura for hating him and turning on everything Lord Death cares about (more than he ever did his own son)?

In making his anxiety a person, Lord Death was obviously going to detach himself from Asura as an individual. Asura is everything he wanted to dispose of, only powerful and capable of taking out his enemies en masse. He was clearly only kept around and tolerated for that purpose, but never looked upon or valued as a thinking being capable of feeling and reacting to the condition of his birth.

Asura is Lord Death's biggest, most horrendous and reprehensible act. It's not a mistake, either. Lord Death intentionally created Asura to be the way he was, with no mind for the consequences until it blew up in his face. And when it did, not only was Lord death not humbled or sorry, but he pinned all the blame on Asura in a fit of rage and punished him - and punished him in the worst way both for Asura himself and for the world in general.

Lord Death treated Asura and his mental breakdown like a rabid dog to be locked away and forgotten about. That is not something a good parent does. A good parent acknowledges their hand in their children's problems, they talk to them, they help them out.

Lord Death may have been a good father to Kid, but he was the absolute worst Asura could have had. And Kid, aside from that flicker of doubt, doesn't acknowledge it, continuing to praise Lord Death and be the true Death God Lord Death had wanted.

Asura lashes out and sees everything in the world as his enemy, a thing to fear, a thing to hate, and he could not conceive of anything except terror. He was completely unable to understand a state of peace, harmony, bravery, in the face of all the fear life throws at you. He was a nervous wreck until he died, and that scares me. I don't want to become like that, but it's difficult to imagine some days when you're gripped by this unnatural fear of something, even if you know what it is, that you can get better and be truly content.

Asura was never happy and always afraid. He was fucked over by his parent like Chrona was, but nobody (including the narrative) gave a shit. Yes, his actions were wrong, he had to be stopped, he couldn't be allowed lash out against the world and others like he was, but I still see Asura was a tragic figure who was fucked over by the person he needed most.

I'm sorry this is so long, I have a lot of feelings right now.

[fr0gi-b0y]

Happy Feet Lore

just made my friend watch happy feet and he was asking me why the penguins were being racist to dancing, which spurred me to come up with an entire history of the penguin population Mumble is from, and then that spiraled into a deep subplot linking all of the characters, and i needed to put it somewhere where others can be enlightened. 

so first off, the reason why the penguins don’t like dancing but are fine with rapping like Seymour did, it’s because of an event known as The Great Ice Break. in the past, the penguins DID sing and dance in harmony, but all of the funky steps caused micro cracks in the ice. one year, during a particularly strong blizzard, the penguins were dancing in their huddle to keep their body temperatures up, and all of the vibrations from their steps caused the ice to break into parts, separating the colony and countless families the vibrations going through the water also alerted a herd of killer whales to their whereabouts. it was a slaughter. the elder penguin, who was the most staunchly against dancing in the movie, was there during that event, and he was able to see how the singing penguins were able to call out to one another through harmonizing and find their way back. since that time he vowed to rid the colony of the dangers of dancing. 

now to the events of the movie. the archetype that mumble represents (outsider, misunderstood, hidden talent) is one that is very common in underdog films, but it is also present among neurodivergent people. Mumble taps his feet even while he walks and in the graduation scene he waves his arms and vocalizes in an excited manner, similar to the way an autistic person might stim. because of how he manifests his emotions and energy and how it goes against the “norm” of singing, he is ostracized and while his parents do try to stick up for him, they are pressured by the rest of the population and try to get him to conform to their traditional way of life(there are some heavy religious undertones which will be discussed more later).

again touching on how Mumble goes against the “norm” and must conform, this is also a common sentiment among the LGBT community. this, pairing with the religious tones of the elder penguins and how Mumble’s juvenile feathers don’t molt at the same time as his peers, implies that he is a “late bloomer” of some sort, or perhaps he is hiding a part of himself that is a part of growing up: sexuality.

on to Mumble’s journey and eventual meeting of the group of Adelie penguins. these shorter penguins, who refer to themselves as “The Amigos,” are meant to represent Mumble’s breaking free of his oppressive uprbingings and exploring other cultures . The Amigos immediately welcome Mumble into their group and celebrate his dancing, and bring him back to their colony where pebbles are used in place of singing to attract mates and show status. upon Mumble’s asking, The Amigos explain that they’ve never tried to give a pebble to a female penguin or build their own nests, and while they are shown to make some flirtatious gestures towards a group of females, it is in a joking manner and they move on quickly. this, along with their lack of discrepancy when it comes to physical contact (as is seen in the scene where Lovelace tells all of the penguins to hug and they are the only ones to do it), would imply that they are actually all in an open polyamourous relationship and have accepted Mumble in his journey of self exploration and actualization. However, he still has very real feelings for Gloria, which leads on the the conclusion that Mumble is bisexual.

having made this discovery about himself with the help of The Amigos, Mumble returns briefly to the colony and reunites with Gloria. he still feels the need to put on the impression of fitting in with everybody else in order to win her heart, however his scheme of lip synching is quickly found out and Gloria is disappointed in him and begins to leave. however, Mumble reveals his true self to her, and is able to achieve harmony with his dancing and her singing(i must comment that during this scene where Mumble and Gloria were dancing together and she was singing he SLAPPED HER ASS with his penguin hands.) their compatibility encourages those around them to embrace the dancing as well, spurring an episode of self exploration and deviating from tradition for his peers. however this is quickly put to rest when the elder penguin hears of it, and he berates Gloria and the rest for succumbing to temptation. Mumble’s parents try to defend him but ultimately he is banished after trying to convince the colony that the aliens he was told about by a predatory bird are the reason that the fish is disappearing, not his dancing as the elder penguin implies. he vows to find proof and leaves with The Amigos, once again shunned by his home for his differences.

when Gloria is revealed to have  been following Mumble, at first he is overjoyed, but quickly realizes how dangerous the journey will be for her. he tries to get her to go away by mocking her singing, and she retorts by mocking his singing and how he thinks he’s special just because he can’t sing. this scene can be understood as Mumble trying to abandon his colony, and in turn his heterosexuality, in order to protect Gloria from a life of being shunned if she chooses him, as well as his own fears that he won’t be able to protect her on his journey. he still has something he needs to discover for himself, which brings us to our next major character.

now for Lovelace. while it seems that he has everything he could ever want when we first meet him - eager mates, the adoration of the colony, anything he wants - he holds anxieties deep within him and perhaps a sense of imposter syndrome, represented by the plastic around his neck. he gives generally negative answers to questions that are asked of him, such as an unnamed penguins mate being happier without him, or another never hoping to achieve his level of success, but these are more likely him vocalizing his own self doubts. at first he tries to ignore these feelings and acts boisterously to try and convince everyone around him and also himself that the “voices” that give him answers to the colony’s questions are legitimate, but they start to choke him, quite literally in the sense of the plastic around his neck. it is only when he separates himself from this pedestal he has been placed on and joins Mumble and The Amigos is he freed from this burden, the situation coming to a climax in the scene with the killer whales. There are 2, one representing his overcompensation and vanity and the other representing his crippling self doubt, and after a tense scene where the whales push him and Mumble around and nearly devour them, he plastic comes free from his neck and they escape the water. free from his own expectations and self doubts, Lovelace confidently commands the killer whales to leave his presence, and soon after finds new purpose in vowing to tell Mumble’s story of bravery and compassion.

the part where Mumble is put in a zoo can be summed up as he lost himself and missed his family, and became isolated and depressed. the little girl tapping on the glass is representative of his inner child getting him back in touch with his passions, and the antenna is indicative of his new, clearer mindset and his goal of changing the mind of his colony once and for all.

and here is the climax of the movie, when Mumble returns to his colony once and for all. with his journey of sexual and spiritual exploration complete thanks to Lovelace and The Amigos, he is a confident and self assured penguin who is dead set on changing the old ways. the first person he sees upon his arrival is Gloria, who he mocked and turned his back on at their last meeting. she is the first of the past regrets and inner demons that he has to come to terms with. he begins dancing and instructing others how to do the same, claiming that it will save them and send a message to the aliens that are stealing their fish. the elder penguin berates those who join in the dancing, and the rest of the elders begin vocalizing in a way that is very similar to a church choir, beginning the butting of heads between tradition and modernity. more penguins quickly join in, and the commotion brings forth The Amigos his mother, who now fully accepts him and wants him to stay because of how much she missed him. when Mumble asked about his father, his mother directs him to a solitary ice cave. there his father is consumed by depression over abandoning his own son, the second demon Mumble must conquer. his father tells him that he lost his heart song in his sadness, and Mumble is able to help him by getting him to see his perspective as someone who never had a “song” to begin with. father and son dance together and finally reach an understanding, going out to join the rest of the penguins dancing.

at this point the “aliens” arrive in a helicopter, and all of the penguins are given pause. the elder penguin spent so long telling the colony that they werent real, and now they were standing right in front of them. Mumble’s father encourages his son to start dancing, finally showing his full support and trust. Mumble begins to move and the rest of the colony follows suit, with even the elder penguin being converted after having his beliefs disproven before his very eyes. the humans record the penguins dancing and their message is received around the world, with arctic fishing being reeled back and the fish shortage ending. 

the last scene shows everyone dancing in harmony together, a fully fluid community broken free of the oppressive traditions. the elder penguin is seen dancing with Lovelace, which could imply his own exploration of sexuality and the two being in a relationship. everyone is in harmony.

in conclusion: Mumble is a queer coded, neurodivergent revolutionary who broke free of the oppressive bonds of tradition and freed his entire colony from its grasp with the help of a group of polyamorous poc (penguins of color) and a body positive spiritualist.