#and ruminating on the past and struggling to move past their guilt and depression

[skellymom]

@ventresses I meant to get back to you and say WOW great insight and post!

The Myth of Heroic Masculine Purpose, and How it’s Harming Men

This video is worth the time and at least listen (if you don't have time to sit down and actively watch). I was thinking of The Bad Batch's Hunter. Hunter wants to stay home and "do the laundry" settling on Pabu to raise Omega safely. He's done being a soldier. What he is doing is still worthy. Some in the fandom don't agree he should do that and denigrate his character for it. Not everyone can be an Echo or a Rex. We need some people to be on the home front to take care "of the laundry" as this video describes while others go to fight in the Rebellion. In our Earth history, there have been both, and it doesn't necessarily have to be gender specific.

[vairagy]

8 Signs You Haven't Forgiven Yourself and Steps to Embrace Self-Forgiveness

Forgiving oneself is a profound act of self-compassion and personal growth, but it's a journey that can be laden with obstacles. Lingering guilt, self-doubt, and negative self-perceptions can weigh heavily, preventing us from fully embracing our present and future. In this blog, we'll delve into the eight common signs that may indicate you haven't yet forgiven yourself, along with practical steps to ignite the transformative process of self-forgiveness and healing.

1. Lingering Guilt:

Persistent guilt and shame over past actions, coupled with incessantly replaying these scenarios in your mind, may signify a reluctance to grant yourself forgiveness. These mental loops can hinder your ability to break free from the shackles of the past.This further trigger self punishment

2. Self-Punishment:

Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, like excessive drinking, can be a form of self-punishment for perceived mistakes. Recognizing these actions is the initial step toward embracing self-compassion.

3. Negative Self-Image:

Focusing solely on past failures while dismissing your achievements and positive qualities is indicative of an unresolved self-forgiveness. Reframe your perspective to acknowledge your inherent worthiness.

4. Inability to Move Forward:

Dwelling on missed opportunities or past blunders can impede personal growth and prevent you from embracing new experiences. By staying fixated on the past, you limit your potential for a fulfilling future.

5. Emotional Distress:

Unforgiveness towards oneself can lead to intense emotional distress, manifesting as anxiety, depression, or persistent sadness. These emotional burdens arise from fixating on past actions and blaming oneself for the ensuing consequences.

6. Persistent Self-Judgment:

Subjecting yourself to relentless self-criticism and setting impossibly high standards is a hallmark of unforgiveness. Break free from this cycle by fostering self-compassion and adopting a more balanced view of your capabilities.

7. Difficulty Accepting Love and Support:

Struggling to accept love, kindness, or support from others can stem from unresolved self-forgiveness. Dismiss notions of being undeserving and allow yourself to receive the care you truly merit.

8. Avoidance of Self-Care:

Neglecting self-care, whether physical or emotional, due to feelings of unworthiness is a clear sign of lingering unforgiveness. Prioritize self-nurturing to demonstrate your commitment to healing.

 Steps to Initiate Self-Forgiveness:

During my practice sessions, I frequently observe the mentioned characteristics above. By utilizing practical tools and various transformative techniques, a noticeable change occurs, and individuals learn to embrace their emotions. Other steps to initiate forgivieness are:

1. Self Compassion: Self compassion is validating your emotions and granting yourself permission to feel them without judgment.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Extend kindness and understanding toward yourself, treating your inner dialogue with the gentleness you would offer a cherished friend.

3. Take Responsibility: Acknowledge past mistakes without dwelling on them, taking ownership of your actions and their consequences.

4. Learn and Grow: Transform your past experiences into opportunities for personal growth, applying the insights gained to your future choices.

5. Make Amends: When feasible, take steps to rectify past wrongs through sincere apologies or actions.

6. Shift Your Perspective: Challenge self-limiting beliefs and emphasize your strengths and accomplishments alongside your missteps.

7. Seek Professional Support: Engage with qualified Life coaches, therapists or trusted individuals to guide you through the intricate process of self-forgiveness.

8. Contemplation /Meditation: Employ contemplative techniques, such as meditation to stay present and minimize rumination.

From my professional experience, self-forgiveness is an ongoing journey that unfolds at its own pace. The above steps is an initial step to self forgiveness, exercise patience and commitment as you traverse the path of healing and growth. By recognizing the signs of unforgiveness and embarking on the transformative steps outlined here, you embark on a profound voyage toward self-acceptance and a brighter future filled with compassion and self-love.

About "Vivian Tucker, a Certified Life Coach and entrepreneur, offers a distinctive approach derived from her coaching practice. Committed to empowering clients through practical guidance and emotional support, she guides individuals in conquering challenges and embracing genuine living. Embark on a transformative self-discovery and growth journey with Vivian at viviantucker.com."

[sunidhisharma10]

Reality of  Emotional Abuse and its trauma

TW -- Mentions of Emotional/Psychological abuse, Panic and Anxiety attacks, Depressive Episode, Intrusive and Suicidal thoughts.

I believe that when we talk about things that burdened us we actually liberate ourselves from its pain whilst beginning our healing from it. So here I’m talking about my experience with emotional abuse and how it is as heinous as any form of abuse.

This is going to be a long read as I’m treating this post as an entry of my journal.

It started right before the COVID lockdown in my country. I met him through a mutual friend. In my case we used to talk before but due to some circumstances we lost touch and  later got reintroduced (unfortunately) and we began talking again. He was extremely charming and alarmingly flattering, in the beginning he appeared to me as a kind, gentle soul that has been hurt by the world but god was I wrong ( I’m an empath and during that time I was struggling with major codependency issues). 

First red flag that I totally looked past was when I had period cramps and was writhing in my room; so this guy decided to send me a cake as a “goodwill” to help me with my cramps. What I easily looked past was I never mentioned where I lived to him and yet the cake was waiting at my doorstep. A that time I looked past it because someone has done something really special for me and I was flattered and felt special.So I brushed past it and thanked him enormously.

From their it began, long hours of texting and phone calls, he gave me his undivided attention while flattering me with over the top compliments and basically everything that I craved for; and so my naive self thought that this guy was everything that I needed. So to give him back for his so called kindness I become his confidant, and a person he can rely on. From their it started to change, he was extremely cunning with his ploys of getting me hooked into this relationship. Once I was hooked, he started emotionally dumping on me, basically using me as an emotional punching bag. I ignored all this because in my eyes he was a wounded soul who can be helped with love and acceptance. So I went ahead and ignored all the red flags that came my way. He was slowly gaslighting me and conditioning me into a submissive person. He controlled my every move, asked me where I was, while deliberately isolating me from my family and friends, he had gaslighted me enough that I actually internalized everything he said about me, good and the bad. I made excuses for him when my family and friends warned me against him. He stonewalled me whenever I dared (according to him) showed him some of my original personality. Little by little he conditioned me into this submissive person that took his dumping as his way of showing his love because I thought that he trusted me enough to tell me all this so I felt flattered and deserving of his love. His best way to manipulate me was guilt-tripping me and playing the victim card. He used to aggressively sabotage himself whilst playing the victim card that I had to stop saying anything that might offend him. I was basically walking on eggshells at this point. His way of draining me was something so subtle yet so alarmingly deteriorating that I faced months of physical and mental health issues.

One day he was doing his usual banter of draining my energy; when instead of just listening I advised him to go see a therapist whilst saying that even though I’ll support him endlessly, he has to take action for his own life ( the guy played the victim card on every possible thing!) and these words of mine raged him and he blocked me and gave me the silent treatment.

I was utterly confused, angry,hurt and what not, my cognitive dissonance was over the roof, I had lost myself, became extremely numb and started using self harm to make it make sense. And to find out that where did I went wrong. I apologized to him even when I wasn't at fault, to which he ‘‘accepted’‘ me back.

But by then I knew it in my heart that something was wrong and it isn’t supposed to feel this way and shouldn’t be so painful. So I started googling all this and came across an article which highlighted covert narcissistic/emotional abuse. Everything made sense after that. I was still surviving and was still in contact with him but something has snapped inside of me. A part of me wanted to confront him about everything he did to me but I listened to my intuition and decided against it. That became my breakthrough to leave the relationship. I started distancing myself from him, grey rocking him, basically not engaging with him at all. He still hoovered me for months but I continued with my detachment.

The months after I exited this relationship, I suffered from complex post traumatic stress; I was gaslighted to the point that I started self- gaslighting (yes it’s a thing). I had nightmares, I kept ruminating the past relationship whilst blaming myself and hurting myself in the process, My intrusive thoughts made me blame myself for hurting the person who destroyed me. I blamed myself for distancing from him. Because of this trauma I plunged into a debilitating depressive episode along with panic and anxiety attacks. It got so horrible that I decided to end my life and even wrote a suicide letter but somehow I survived it all. I took help of various life coaches and therapists who helped me out of this impending doom. I started learning my own patterns and become more self aware while validating my pain through it all. I started meditation and mindfulness and gradually with patience, efforts and help I got out of it gratefully; but some things still remain. I’m now very cautious and i do not trust anyone easily. My nervous system still reacts to the trauma I faced but I’ve learned how to soothe it. It has been difficult but I’m constantly healing and going forward. What really helped me was self validation. I validated every agony I faced and refused to fall back in my self gaslighting patterns. It gets exhausting, extremely exhausting, but it is so much better than staying with a person who inflicted this pain on you with no remorse, and whose only goal is to exploit you for their own gain.

To whoever who relates to this, you have my heart and unending support, know that you’re the strongest and I’m extremely proud of you. You can get through this, we’re in this together.

Emotional abuse is real and can happen to literally anyone. And it is so subtle and sneaky that the victim doesn’t even know that they’re being abused. It has same adverse effect like any other form of abuse and blaming the victim without proper education about the topic will only harm and hurt them more along with their already traumatizing experience. Please understand this and let’s be kinder to each other moving forward.

Thank you to anyone who read this, I used this platform to share my story and it has been really liberating for me and I trust that this platform will treat us with kindness and compassion. Let’s heal together. Thank you once again ♡

Love

S

[heyytalia]

hi Bianca, I read your 'about' page and wanted to reach out to you since it really spoke to me. in 2014 I had a traumatic event and got professionally diagnosed with the same disorders you mentioned, as well as insomnia. I feel like I should be over my trauma by now and I'm just so frustrated at how I feel stuck in place. I always regret not being a stronger person at the time. I think if I'd had a different mindset or a better support system (c.)

Anon, I can relate to you. I can relate so much.

Long letter to you under the “Keep Reading.”

First off, thank you for messaging me about all this. Doing so must have taken so much courage. I know how hard it is talking about these things. It’s scary and sometimes I don’t know how people are going to react when I tell them I have GAD/Depression, even when I’m speaking to another person with a similar diagnosis. Just being able to put words on paper, or in a message, takes every ounce of brainpower we’ve got. I’m going to try to use as much brainpower as I can to convey as best a response I can.

I was also kind of a nervous child as well. Extremely shy, kind of cowardly, helicopter-parented. But never to the extreme, just enough that I can safely say I’m not an extrovert. I wasn’t diagnosed or referred for anything psychological. By all accounts, I was considered “normal” (I hate that word in psychological connotations). But as I got older, I started having a lot of problems with stress. I started having migraines in high school. I started getting severe stomach pains before every exam. The stress got even worse at university when I went from being a straight-A student all my life to an A/B/C one and my self-esteem collapsed. I developed insomnia. I was homesick. I had a roommate dealing with alcoholism my sophomore year, and I was constantly worried for her health. That near-collision I had in 2014 (the one I mentioned in my About Me) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was driving back from an internship interview (from which I was rejected anyway) when I took a protected left turn on a yellow arrow, and the light turned green and a car coming from the opposite direction at 50 MPH nearly hit me head on. If I hadn’t pressed the brakes at the right moment, I would have gone straight into the front of his blue Honda. I wasn’t the same after that. I don’t even remember driving home, the next thing I remember is sobbing hysterically as I open my front door. My mom was comforting, my dad thought I would just move on, my sister thought I was exaggerating. I didn’t sleep that night. The next few weeks, I almost felt like a zombie. Like I shouldn’t be alive. Like I should have died on that road. Several nights I woke up sweating, and I had this recurring dream of walking up to that same intersection, the site of a crash site, and staring at my dead body. These feelings were real, but I didn’t know that. I just kept getting worse and worse. I was diagnosed with GAD/Depression in August, after a week of panic attacks, hallucinations, and an ER visit in which I had to be sedated with a high Xanax dose. But I don’t think, until I got those first Lexapro and Clonazepam doses, that it really hit me I had GAD/Depression. And then I really ruminated on that, and the first thing was…

Guilt. I FELT IT, ANON. I felt it bad.

You’re not alone in feeling guilty about your diagnosis, anon. I think it’s almost a given to most of us with depression and anxiety. Our society dictates that people should be able to function a specific way, and when we can’t do it we feel excluded, shunned. Not to mention, a feeling of failure to our own families and friends. I had that and more, I felt I let everyone down. My family who I spent my entire life trying to make proud. My friends, my teachers, professors, everyone who ever believed in me. When I was young I felt like a bird, that I could fly anywhere. As if I was Icarus, ready to fly towards freedom and beyond. But that first bottle of Lexapro in my hands felt like a weight that brought me down to Earth. And I burned. And everything I loved, burned.

My love for all my favorite series literally became NUMB. I kept up with them, but I literally felt nothing for them. My archive for this blog for the Fall months of 2014 shows lots of cute Hetalia fanart, OFF fanart, maybe the occasional cute thing. I was a regular (still occasionally am) GIF editor for the Hetalia fandom, and still churned out the occasional one during this time. But it wasn’t me posting. It was my shell. I was afraid to let my personal struggles bleed into my healthy tumblr blog and ruin it, so I kept posting as if nothing was wrong. But it wasn’t the real me. The real me was waking up shaking, in sweat, on nights that weren’t filled with insomnia. The real me was learning how to eat solid food again (which I didn’t do until October, I believe). The real me was crying every day. If my blog was honest that year, every post would have been replaced with ramblings on fear and sadness. But I couldn’t do it, because I was afraid to scare my tumblr friends, and scared that they’d all shun me and call me crazy. And by perpetuating a lie that all was “fine,” I felt guilty. I always prided myself in being honest, and I felt like I was betraying myself as well as them, and the guilt hurt even more.

And when I was in those moments of guilt, I’d always ask to myself, “What did I do wrong?” “Did I do something to deserve this?” “Was there something I could have done?” I used to think that maybe if I’d been a bit more independent as a kid, I’d have thicker skin, and I wouldn’t be going through this. Or maybe if I’d been a better student, I would have had better grades, and my anxiety concerning my future would be lessened. Or, maybe, if I had been a better driver and avoided that near-collision. Or maybe, I could have made myself prettier, or made more friends, or lost a few pounds, or not accidentally hurt the feelings of that one girl on the playground in 6th grade that one time. None of this would have ever happened, and I’d be okay. And my family would be okay. Everything would be okay.

It’s almost like I was digging into myself, trying to justify in my mind why all this was happening to me. Trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Until one day, I heard some words said to me.

“Bianca, it’s not your fault.”

It was my mom who told me this, the first time. I had been crying and apologizing profusely over and over for what I was going through, a few days after my diagnosis. Telling her that I was sorry that she had to put up with an “insane” daughter like me, and wishing she had been blessed with a better daughter with no ailments, because she deserved better. But, my smart mom, instead of agreeing with what my fractured psyche had come up with, told me those words. And I cried. I didn’t fully believe her at the time, but the sentiment did stick in my brain like a seed, and I felt comfort. Of course, the guilt would come back a few days later, still strong, but I’d hear those words again and that seed would grow a little bit. The next time, a little bit more. More when I would hear those words in her arms. More when I’d hear those words from my dad. More when I’d hear those words from my therapist. More when I’d hear those words from my doctor. Until one day, something interesting happened. I realized the value of those words.

It’s not our fault. It’s not something we did wrong. It’s not something we should feel ashamed of. There’s nothing we did in our past that made us “deserve” depression and anxiety. One of the most important things I learned as a Psychology Major in university was that our brains, just like the rest of our bodies, don’t always work or look the way they’re supposed to. All of our brains are unique, and a combination of our own personal experience along with family genetics and the environment in which we live in make all of us different. It’s now commonly believed that some people are more prone to mental illness than others, just as how some people are more prone to heart conditions or diabetes. Nobody really knows why this is the case. It’s not really a science you can quantify or boil down to an equation. Sometimes, mental illness just…happens. There’s really no concrete explanation. You can dig and dig into your heart and mind and soul forever but you’ll never find one. It took a long time for me to realize this. That I wasn’t at blame for my depression/anxiety. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That just because my brain needed some extra help from medicine and doctors, didn’t mean I couldn’t be strong again.

Anon, sometimes our illness makes us feel like less of a person. But that’s just the depression talking. I always tell people, when you have GAD/Depression, there are two sides of you. One side is the real us, the one who loves and laughs and enjoys life as it is. The other side is the anxiety/depression itself. Sometimes, the second side “covers up” the first side and “pretends” to be us. That doesn’t mean the real side is lost forever, it’s just hiding. We just have to, pardon the language, call that GAD/Depression side out on its bullshit. Because the real us is the best us. The ones who fangirl over our favorite series and ships and stories. The ones who care for all of their friends and loved ones. The ones who aren’t afraid to try something new and be creative. Anon, I believe its still in you. You can still do it. You can still do all the things you love.

Your GAD/Depression may be an element in your life you weren’t expecting, but nobody can really predict such a thing happening anyway. Not even the most brilliant minds in the world can predict the future to a T. It was never your fault, Anon. Never. I want you to trust me on this. And I want you to love everything you love even stronger than you did before. Write those stories you want to write. Watch those series you’ve been meaning to catch up on. Draw to your heart’s content. Read some new books. Start a new craft. That love won’t come overnight, it might take months or even years (even now, I’m still learning to re-love all my favorite things again), but it will start to come. Take every day at a time, and don’t worry about the pace. Recovery varies from person to person. I myself am recovering very slowly, on the exact same dose of Lexapro I was on back in 2014, and I’ll probably be on the same dose for an indefinite amount of time. But the more and more I’ve accepted my diagnosis, the easier it gets.

I’ll leave you with some final tips which have helped me immensely:

1. Eat well! Lots of water, and healthy meals! Especially fruits and vegetables.2. Have certain activities to do during your “down” moods or anxiety attacks. I usually crochet while watching a relaxing tv show or movie.3. Exercise, even if it’s simple walks or stretches.4. Find somebody to talk to when you’re feeling sad, or write your feelings down in a journal. I find that expressing inner feelings can be very relaxing.5. Pet therapy! Go and pet a dog or cat. Some studies have found that spending time with cute animals can increase “happy” hormones in the brain, like dopamine and endorphins.

I hope I answered your message! If you have more questions, always feel free to ask. I wish you all the best, and all my blessings.

[tiredstarryeyes]

2011

This is incredibly long overdue. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but fear has always stopped me. It’s a relief to finally feel and hear my voice, regardless if it’s only in written form. Warning: Mention of DV, suicidal thoughts, and depression. 

When I was 18, I had a roommate that was in a physically violent relationship. I heard, and at times witnessed these acts, for roughly a year and a half.

I had just moved to Sydney to start my journey as an Actor, and I was scared shitless, broke as hell, and so naive it was pathetic. After a mere few weeks, I was all of sudden thrown into the deep end of adulthood, and faced with the choice of standing up for myself and this victim. It really didn’t hit me at first. The weight of what was really going on. It’s a part of my life that I’ve not talked about, a trauma that eventually chipped away at my psyche, and turned my mental state into mush. It’s safe to say because of this, I now have a love-hate relationship with my past, as it’s something that I will always be in therapy for, but I’m not ashamed to admit the struggle. I’m not the only one in this world who has been through something like this, and definitely not the only one who has been through depression and trauma.

The reason I stayed, was because coming home and starting again, would mean that I had failed. My biggest fear in life. I had planned to move out of home since I was 15. Worked at a crappy part time job for over 3 years and saved every penny I made. People at the bank knew me by my first name, praising me for being so diligent with my money. I auditioned for a school and got in, so did my best friend at the time with hers, respectively. Everything about the plan was put into motion, and then here we were, ready to start our new lives. Thinking back on it, I was just young and dumb and selfish, yet understandably, I was also in shock. Having been so isolated and protected from the harsh realities of the world, then immediately faced with this type of responsibility, I simply could not cope. I’m ashamed to admit I sat in mostly stunned silence until it was over, then just went to sleep. I remember everyone waking up the next morning, exchanging awkward small talk, ignoring the bruises, and pretending nothing had happened. The repercussions of telling my family, and sticking up for myself and this girl all at once, stuffing up my best friends plans as well, was seemingly too much to bare. I had no experience in the latter, so I drowned within the uncertainty of it all. I think I was in denial as well, but I really had no idea what to do, so I simply did nothing.

Sadly, because of this, all good memories of my first apartment, my early 20’s, and living out of home for the first time, are tainted with sounds of screams. 

Before I sound like more of a wet blanket, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I’ve made this part of my journey the reason for my strength and resilience, and that’s something to be proud of. 

As they they say with trauma, the mind may forget, but the body doesn’t. The PTSD, PTD, anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers that came from this experience, didn’t just go away once I left. Doors were slammed in my face, things were thrown, people were slapped and beaten, furniture was pulled to pieces. It took five years to talk about it without crying, and I still do to this day at times. It’s a trigger for so many things, and I still feel guilty over it. I think I always will to an extent, and I’ve had to work really hard to be at peace with that. If it had affected me this badly to just see and hear it, I can’t imagine what internal struggle and pain was inflicted to the person at the other end of those fists. The aftermath seamed worse than the actual event, and that was a hard thing to accept. I walked around angry for too many years. Too much time wasted hating the world for what was happening to her, how I couldn’t just get over it once I finally bit the bullet and crawled back home. Rather than enjoying my life, like so many people told me to do, I know I let the experience, and my reaction to it, rob those years from me. 

I eventually did call the police after a few months, though.

I asked her one morning if she was scared. She said yes. So I kept going with the questions. I asked her if she wanted it to be over. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to leave this person. She said yes. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. I asked her how long it had been happening. It was way longer than I expected or could wrap my head around. I told her that I had heard everything and that I was scared too. She said she was sorry and we both hugged and cried and fell to the floor. I’ll never forget that moment. Two bits of broken pieces finding each other on dirty carpet. A mess of feelings. Both numb and drained at the environment we were in, feeling stuck and desperate to get out. I made a pact with her and told her to scream for me next time things got heated, and when she did, I ran in and got her just as I had promised. We waited in the dark and I called the police. A few weeks passed, and we went to court. I was standing there in front of the double doors, ready to go in, my scripts clutched to my chest for the acting class I’d have to attend afterwards, (because I moved to Sydney to become an Actor, and a court hearing wasn’t going to stop me. That was my thinking process while in the midst of losing my god damn mind, naturally.) standing there willing to testify for what was right, was one of the scariest moments of my life, staring at the judge in the court room, full of other people who didn't give a shit if I was having a meltdown or not, including the police officers, though are we surprised?  

Then, sadly, nothing really came of it. Except my $30 check for making an appearance. The officer then gave me their business card and told me to send them an email if I needed anything. Like a fucking email was going to stop someone from getting beaten up? But lol ok you do you boo.

Relationships like that are messy and complicated and don’t make sense unless you’re in it. I get it now in retrospect, as I’ve put up with bad behaviour and my fair share of narcissism from men, so I get how hard it is to break things off. 

Boy, do I get it. 

I’ve spent the last 9 years of my life putting myself through therapy because of what I didn’t do, because I didn’t reach out, living in fear. When I couldn’t stop ruminating over the guilt and self loathing and self pity of not making better choices, not feeling I was smart enough, good enough, worthy enough of anything in life because I let this happen. 

One night, thinking about what happened in that room, I drank too much wine, blacked out, and told my doctor I wanted to go on antidepressants the following morning. I was sick and tired of not feeling like these thoughts were coming from my own brain. It didn’t feel like mine and I didn’t feel like me. I was on them for 8 months.

I can’t deny I’ve never thought about not being here either. What this world, my family, or what my friends would do if I were suddenly no longer here, had started to cross my mind a lot in those days. I don’t have those thoughts anymore, but I have had them clear as day, and it has to be said.

I remember the moment it felt like my thoughts were finally back to how they were before it all happened. That moment in the movie when the character is called too adventure, before it all goes to shit? That alive, happy person full of hope and ambition. I wanted to be her again, and I finally started to recognise the old me in this moment. 

I remember breaking down in the shower at the gym, during the fourth day of taking Citalopram. Sobbing happy tears because I finally recognised this thing in my head that was making me think and navigate my consciousness again. Like I had woken up from a bad dream. I literally felt the imbalance of chemicals changing over in my brain, re-wiring itself so I could finally function again. 

This memory, is why I am who I am, and I wear my mental illness that at times seams non existent, but at other times is emotionally and physically debilitating, really fucking proudly, and everyone else can as well. Apparently 1 in 7 people in Australia suffer from depression sometime in their life, so this is not a rare occurrence, just a rare conversation topic to be had because of the stigma against mental illness. 

It’s 2020. Let’s change that. 

I write this because these dark parts are the realest, rawest bits of myself that I relate too more than anything else. They give me strength and drive and motivate me to always do better for my past self who hated herself too much. 

Also, not a lot of people may fully understand the fact that I have depression and anxiety, without really knowing the extent, nor how it came about. I guess it’s because I lost my younger years to this very rough and draining experience, so I think I’ll always appear young at heart and seam more innocent and plain than I actually am, as I’ll always feel like I need to make up for all that lost time. Watching everyone else live through their early 20′s so positively. Because I never did, and this may possibly be my anxiety talking, it may affect how people perceive me. In the Acting world, seaming younger than I am has worked to my advantage, but in reality, people may misunderstand and judge me for it, too. I just hope this post will help make people understand why I have not had certain experiences, and to not judge other people if they have been through the same. There is always more to a person. To sound cheesy as fuck, we are all just the tips of the Icebergs above the water, and you may never know what's been endured beneath the surface of someone, or why they are only showing you certain parts of themselves because there’s not a simple answer for it, and that’s not a bad thing. They are not lazy, boring, or inexperienced. I am not an open book, and I don’t care if you can’t find the patience to try and understand why. 

Depression, to me, feels like this:

It’s like a dark storm cloud that follows you over your shoulders everyday. I can’t sense it on the good days. But, when it’s there, I struggle to see through the fog and it’s like I’m suffocating or choking. When it’s triggered and starts to rumble, all of a sudden you can feel it tingling down your spine. It’s similar to a foreboding like feeling that is all encompassing and knocks you around, mentally and physically. It’s like a presence that gets more difficult and heavy the longer I ignore it. I usually have an inkling that something has been triggered, even if it’s not obvious right away, and I soon come to know that I have some work to do for myself over the following weeks when I have this certain feeling.

If I don’t have the time to reflect however, (in my case, I was filming for my first TV show a few months ago, and didn’t want to focus on anything but the work, and boy did I pay for it afterwards) the storm always becomes louder and I become more lethargic or more sensitive or angry, and it feels like my limbs are constantly dragging me towards the ground. I’m exhausted when I wake up because my anxiety hits me at night and I can’t sleep. And then the cycle repeats itself and I am, a mess. It can be a very temperamental thing when you’re out of your routine. It’s also hard sometimes to differentiate between having off days and feeling down, which is fine, but then if I’m waking up and realising it’s been a week and I can’t stop crying, that’s a warning sign I’m on the precipice of an episode. I know then that this is the beginning of just a bad few weeks, and I need to figure out how to get out of this dark place in my mind. 

The last few months, it’s been my anxiety that’s gone and unsettled me to my core, and after a few sessions of therapy, some Valium, keeping my boundaries up, I’ve mentally been able to reset myself, and can look at life more clearly for what it is. 

This year has been stressful for the entire planet, but I think it was probably a mixture of self doubt, paranoia, staring at the age of 30, maybe, and feeling more isolated than I actually am because of covid. Many reasons I’m sure I’ll figure out later, but I stopped crying a few weeks ago, and don’t feel down anymore, so it’s going to be a good month rather than a hectic one. There’s also a lot to look forward to as well now, and positive thinking is feeling less like a chore. (You know you’re out of the storm when feeling happy ain’t draining! Am I right!)

One thing that has helped is the BLM movement here in Aus, and connecting more to my heritage. Unpacking my childhood in relation to that is going to take a bit more strength, but I know more about my people at this point in my life then I ever have before, and it’s helped shaped my identity and made me feel more closer to myself. I know now, it may always feel like there are missing links to an eternal puzzle that may never be completely put together, or understood. But, I know that's not my fault. It’s because of what this country did to my people. Their voices were taken, their lives erased and destroyed, and thus, were not given to me to learn about and pass on like other generations had the privilege of doing. 

I feel like we are louder and stronger than ever before, but that’s probably because we have had no choice and have never given up. 

At times, all I can do is read about them online, listen to my friends stories who have lived with culture around them, watch our movies, read our books, and feel something I cannot name. That’s not to say I have not experienced racism. I have, and do and always will, and I already feel fear for my future children because it is inevitable. But, I find comfort from the fact that I know this essence of myself has been, and is always going to be there inside me to help make me strong. No matter who I am or what I become, my Aboriginal identity will always be something I can treasure and protect and claim no matter what someone may think of me. I can talk to my ancestors however I want, defend my people whenever I want, because it is no one else’s journey but my own.

[softpinkicecream]

Understanding Mothers with BPD

Just listened to the audio book Understanding Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Waif characteristics:

Some of my body language is excessively friendly/flirtatious- I didn't notice this at first, but it was pointed out to me so now I see it. I make a lot of eye contact and when I'm trying to be friendly I will smile a lot and make eye contact a lot and laugh more. This can get interpreted as flirting by some. I have seen other people do this when flirting, but unfortunately I tend to do this to everyone when I'm meeting new people, which can probably unnerve them or make them feel weird until they get to know me.

I feel almost worthless when I make mistakes, especially at work. I was more used to my old job so I didn't feel like this as much, but now at my new job I feel so ashamed every time I make a mistake. I think I checked my work but then there will still be a mistake. And I've made so many the past few weeks I feel ashamed of my self as an employee. - an update on this, I suspect some of my mistakes were from sleep deprivation from trying too hard to come in early.

I can sometimes give too much too soon in relationships. I definitely do this. In the past I pushed sex way too fast, like maybe 2 dates max before the bedroom. This always causes attachment even when I intended there to be none. And then it's months before I notice any shortcomings, or how little is actually given back to me. Typically if I feel comfortable with a person to have a conversation, then I will attach to them even quicker. After doing this and ending up in a not so great relationship for 2-3 years, I know I need to slow down and definitely not listen to the desire to give too much away too fast.

Use submissive behavior as an adaptive response to conflict. This is my default response. When I'm feeling confident I've occasionally actually confronted people, I have a few examples, but in most cases I comply instantly. I'd rather say I'm wrong and take blame that doesn't belong to me than escalate an argument. This was how every argument with Mark went. They weren't really arguments, he would be upset and sometimes yell and I would listen and agree even if I didn't. This was definitely how I always handled my mom yelling at me. I think this is actually not a healthy behavior so I would like to get better at not complying when I actually don't agree. The problem is, a lot of times I find myself thinking, well complying is such a small easy thing for me and it will help them feel better so it's not a big deal.

Feel incompitent. I often don't feel very intelligent even when other people say so. I have a hard time remembering things, and I have very low fluid intelligence, so I feel pretty dumb all the time, but I have managed to test fairly well which has gotten me this far. I like to think I have a decent amount of social IQ though.

Relinquish control easily. I think this may have been addressed above, but I think I'm actually on the fence on this characteristic. I was discussing with my brother the other day, I think I tend to comply with people for about 20 minutes, and then the rest of my head catches up with me and I change my mind partway through or after a conversation. I'd like to get better at that, prefeably move that time to shorter and shorter? Also, in many cases, I tend to give the appearance of compliance, when actually I am only relinquishing control I feel safe to give. I think this may also be a bit of a passive agressive personality behavior trait.

Don't take good care of myself. I have a hard time balancing my life well. Either I take care of my finances, my work, my appearance, my relationships, or my health. I can only do one at a time. Usually week by week.

I don't properly track my spending and often indulge. As discussed above, if I'm not in a week where I'm actively managing my finances, I completely ignore them. Thankfully, I don't usually go into massive purchases, like a car or plane ticket, I do tend to indulge in spur of the moment things like an expensive coffee or a bag of toy kazoos.

I feel better having less than having more, especially in a group setting I feel much more comfortable and prefer everyone else have first pick.

Unnecessarily appologetic. I apologise often and frequently, for everything that might possibly be awkward or uncomfortable.

Sometimes feels compelled to help others.

Shame motivated behavior- very often, I sometimes feel like my presence would be a burden or annoyance so I don't talk to many people at work unless it's required for my job.

Protects self from disappointment. I try to expect the worst so I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Feels undeserving of compliments, often refuses them. I've gotten better at this but only because I was told refusing or denying is more rude.

Often refuses help. I've gotten a little better at this, I'll accept help if offered but I try not to ask for help unless it's absolutely necessary.

Difficulty articulating needs. I often don't know what I really want. Sometimes when I do I don't ask for it if I think it'll be a burden.

Passive and permissive. These are my default behaviors, especially when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. I also bought my brother a cigar and lotto tickets for his 18th bday.

Easily tolerates some abuse. I haven't been physically abused so I'm not sure my reaction but I doubt I would tolerate it as easily as verbal abuse. There were times Mark could scream at me and I could just take it until he stopped.

Invalidates own competence. I often think I'm dumb as a post and could give plenty of examples?

Drawn to helping/understanding the Struggles of others. For some reason I get drawn to people who are upset.

Dedicated employee work long hours and underpaid

Oscillates between obsessive concern for health and complete neglect

Occasionally uses alcohol, money, or sex to feel better - I tend to use "shopping therapy" , also recently a (large) glass of wine if it is late enough

Unconsciously seductive - I didn't think I did this but one of the reasons I cut my hair short was to avoid looking particularly attractive

Often forgets things- all the time. I feel most of the time there is no reason for it really. I just forget anything within 3 seconds.

Waifs' children:

High Independence

Hermit characteristics:

Feels safer alone - I definitely feel comfortable alone or feel a need to decompress after interactions

Ties large amounts of self worth to work/others opinions

Feels mildly violated when others move or borrow my things

Initial reaction to rejection is to completely shut them out - I try not to do this @_@

Ruminates and worries often about nearly meaningless things - there are embarrassing mistakes from years and years ago that I still sometimes feel the pain of guilt from.

Occasionally superstitious

Either over or under reacts to physical problems - sometimes every ail seems like I'll get cancer and die, other times I have broken a bone and hardly reacted except to say that it was definitely broken and should probably go to the ER.

Occasionally uses alcohol or relationships to feel better. - probably alcohol, but there is a dangerous satisfaction with "falling in love" which I would prefer not to mess up ever again

Sometimes struggles handling rejection or criticism

Sometimes tries to make other people feel guilty on purpose -i mostly did this to my mom

Often concerned about the dangerous it risks of everything.

Children of BPD characteristics:

Feels worthless if not useful

Sometimes feels like a false self

Ruminates about small decisions and interactions

Interested in finding hidden/true motives

Was grateful for my friend witnessing my mom's outburst

Poorly structured time

I have recently begun to feel like an imposter again at work. For some reason at my previous job, I did not feel this.

My mother would wear my clothes when I was in highschool. And after I went to college, she started talking college classes the same time as me. I have become annoyed with this now because she told me we could not afford college, and I took out private loans to cover it, but she had no problem paying for a major in Islamic studies for herself.

I try to avoid strong emotions, I especially avoid anger because I feel it is extremely irrational and will cause me regret. Even when I'm fully happy or comfortable, I often tend to mess that up and so I do n try not to fully let go unless I know it's 100% welcome.

I tend to appear as easy going to others

I struggle saying no

I don't really know what I like or who I am

I enjoy analytically orientated therapy.

Minor mistakes do sometimes cause a plunge in my self esteem, I usually feel like smacking my head on something when I'm feeling like this. If I make a mistake at work, I wonder how long they will bother to keep me around before firing me. Sometimes I wonder if I've already been fired and they just haven't told me. I will feel hate for myself for making another mistake, especially when I don't see a way to prevent it from happening again. I often feel regret and guilt for past mistakes. I sometimes feel shame of myself for burdening others with my presence, it's especially strong at work or with people I have to interact with for long term, like family or classmates. Thankfully, I don't feel these things as painfully or strongly with people I am close with or old friends.

my mom often projected her personal problems onto me. She often told me that "only a depressed person would sleep past 9am" or that I needed to be better at managing my time, be better organized, and be on time. I know now she failed to do these things.

Thankfully, I have not had a panic attack. I had one episode of heart palpitations, but I believe it was related to a new birth control, which I stopped taking immediately after and haven't had a similar experience since.

Queen characteristics:

I find charismatic and attention drawing people attractive.

Some other characteristics I noticed that I have that were not necessarily included in this book:

prefer/enjoy not "fitting in a box" ?

tendancy to mirror others?

I don't care about the impressions I make on people I don't know, but become anxious around people that I will have to deal with often i.e. co-workers, family members, classmates.

I regret indulging in the behaviors of others :( I am ashamed of one occurrence, I was brought along to my step mom's family's party, I went to use the bathroom but was stopped by my aunt in law. I feigned ignorance so I could use the bathroom instead of having to use the outhouse. To explain, her husband had already let me use their bathroom once so I thought it would be ok but she didn't know that. In any case, I have a not so great relationship with bathrooms so I specifically told my family I wouldn't go if I there wasn't going to be a regular bathroom, to which I was assured there would be, so hen

Passive agressive:

Felt used or taken advantage of in the ending of past relationships.

-i feel I exhibit this personality type when doing self preservation activities. I have told my landlord that I wasn't moving until I got an apartment then gave them notice. I said I was going to go to a work event but then cancelled last minute after I realised I wouldn't be able to lie to Mark where I was. I also lied to Mark about why I was returning to Minnesota and didn't break up with him until I was safely employed and relocated. I think this behavior also comes out when I am taking the advice of others. When I was younger, I leant my hair crimper to my friend, but then my mom told me I should tell them not to break it and I just ended up seeming crazy. I also moved into an apartment with 4 other roommates, and they all made a fuss about the bigger room and a friend advised me to move in a day early and lock the big room.... I also didn't tell my employer that I was looking for new work until right before I left.... I'm embarrassed about these behaviors and I think it also has to do with a lack of trust in others perhaps. And listening to others instead of doing what I think.

[melvinfeller]

Becoming Better Through Life's Bad Times As Discussed by Melvin Feller

Melvin Feller asks, Do you ever struggle with negative thinking? If you have a harsh inner critic or get caught in worry, stress, anxiety, depression or wrestle with low self-worth, then you know some of the symptoms first hand.

Negative thinking patterns can have a strong and sometimes devastating impact on our relationships, our health, our work… our lives.

Melvin Feller personally knows that people often try many different ways to get rid of their negative thoughts, including distractions, diversions or ‘drowning their sorrows’ only to later mentally beat themselves up for being still stuck in their negativity. It can feel like a real internal battle. These are common strategies that attempt to stop the thoughts and numb the pain in the short term but they only make things worse in the long term. It doesn’t fix the problem at its core.

The research shows that struggling with, arguing with, trying to drown out or push away unhelpful thoughts only amplifies them and makes things worse.

Negative thought patterns are repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. They directly cause what we could describe as ‘negative’ (unwanted or unpleasant) emotions like anxiety, depression, stress, fear, unworthiness, shame etc.

Once we learn to recognize and identify negative thought patterns as they occur, we can start to step back from them. This process of stepping back from thoughts is called ‘cognitive de-fusion.’ In cognitive de-fusion we learn to see the thoughts in our head as simply that—just thoughts. Not reality. You see when we are fused with our thoughts (cognitive fusion) we tend to take our thoughts very, very seriously. We believe them. We buy into them and we obey them. We play them out.

When we are not fused with our thoughts—when we can step back into cognitive de-fusion, then we do not take our thoughts too seriously. We hold them lightly. We only listen to them if we find them valuable or helpful. We certainly don’t take our thoughts to be ‘the truth’ and we don’t automatically obey them or play them out. We see our thoughts as simply bits of language that pass through the mind. Mental events if you will, that move through the mind all the time just like the weather passes through the sky. We have a choice in how we choose to respond to them.

The example I like to use often to illustrate the difference between cognitive fusion and cognitive de-fusion is this…imagine waking up one day and looking out the window and seeing rain. It’s possible that a thought might come into your head that says “what a dreadful day”. Now is it true that the day is dreadful? No, of course not, it is simply raining. However if you believe the thought “what a dreadful day”, in other words if you are stuck in cognitive fusion (literally fused with the thought) then guess what you will probably have? That’s right, you will probably have a dreadful day! In other words if you believe a thought like that, it can generate what we might call negativity.

It’s completely normal to have negative thoughts! It’s part of our evolutionary history. There is nothing wrong with you. We all have minds that have evolved to be constantly on the lookout for problems and dangers, so most of us have minds prone to have many negative thoughts.

The problem is not that we have negative thoughts. The problem comes when we believe our thoughts are true. When you are no longer entangled in thoughts they lose their grip on you and lose their power to generate unpleasant emotions.

Let’s go back to the example above. Imagine you’re laying in bed in the morning, you look out the window and you see that it’s raining and once again the thought arises “what a dreadful day”. If you are not fused with the thought (you don’t buy into it) then your experience would be like this. You’re watching the rain falling, then you also watch the thought (as simply a mental event) “what a dreadful day” arise and fall away just like the rain is falling…and since you don’t take it seriously or believe it, it generates no negativity, passes by easily and you’re free to lay there relaxed and at ease, enjoying the hard drops of the rain on the roof.

As you can see, the ability to recognize unhelpful thinking and step back from it is incredibly liberating! It can change the quality of your whole day and indeed your whole life.

Worry is when the mind projects into an imagined future and conjures up scenes and thoughts about what could go wrong. Here it often creates ‘what if’ scenarios.

Sometimes it takes the form of imagining or expecting that bad things will happen or that nothing good will ever happen for you. You might fret about your health deteriorating, your relationship going downhill, your car breaking down or your career being ruined—even though nothing has actually happened yet.

You might focus on the lack in your life and believe that nothing will ever get better for you. Stress related to your financial future, the welfare of your children or your partner leaving you fit into this category.

Do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you always trying to whip yourself into shape, mentally beating yourself up for not being good enough yet? Are you on a perfection mission? Another pattern of negative thought is to constantly criticise and ‘self improve’ because you’re not good enough yet. You may be very harsh on yourself, focusing in on all of your weaknesses and perceived flaws.

Likewise, you may extend this habit of criticism to others in your life. This can be the cause of tremendous strain on relationships. Negative self-talk and self-criticism often results in low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.

One way some people cope with low self-esteem is to compensate for these feelings by attaining status, achievements and recognition. Others may feel completely debilitated by feelings of unworthiness, becoming depressed or even suicidal.

There is nothing wrong with having goals and aiming to get fitter or healthier and the like—we can simply choose to do those because they are good for us or we want to stretch and grow. It’s a very different headspace to be doing those things because we don’t feel like we’re enough yet.

When the mind continuously hones in on what is wrong with yourself (and your life) and disassociates from what is going well and is good, we can become stuck in negativity.

Negative thoughts often revolve around what’s wrong with your life. Your attention becomes fixated on, and exaggerates the so called negative aspects of your life. Here your mind will often downplay what is going well.

If you have this habit of lamenting over your sorrows and problems you may constantly feel frustrated, anxious, depressed and apathetic. When you’re so absorbed in what’s wrong, you’re unable to notice what’s right.

Looking out for and recognizing these common negative thinking patterns when they arise will help you be aware of when to use the tools below to work with them skillfully and break free from their grip.

People trapped in negative thinking often tell me they feel hopeless because they often wrestle or argue with the thoughts or push them away, but the research shows that trying to struggle with thoughts in these ways just amplifies them as you may have noticed in your own life. What you resist persists.

So how do you move through life in a way that is practical, peaceful and authentic without getting stuck in negative thought patterns?

Here is the first step. It’s a very powerful, simple, tried and tested technique for untangling from thoughts without struggling with them. It’s called the ‘name it to tame it’ technique.

‘Name it to tame it’ is a phrase coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel. Here’s the basics of how ‘name it to tame it’ works:

Melvin Feller recommends that an unhelpful thought pattern and the associated emotion arises you simply mentally ‘label’ the story. You’ve probably noticed many of our thoughts are repetitive and involve the same story lines. For instance one of my stories often is, “Who am I to be putting myself ‘out there’ teaching mindfulness. Aren’t you supposed to be perfect first!? Have it all totally together?!” I find this story unhelpful so when thoughts come up along that story line, I simply mentally note to myself, “Ahhhh the ‘who do you think you are’ story is here again” and then I let it go.

By ‘let it go’ I simply mean, I stop giving it all my attention and stop taking it so seriously. I realize it’s just a thought, not reality, then I open my awareness to the world around me again—the birds in the trees, the sounds, the breeze. I get out of my head and into my life

As soon as you name the mental story or pattern, you have now stepped back from being caught up in it. In other words you have initiated cognitive de-fusion. From a neuroscience perspective, when you name the thoughts you stop being hijacked by them from the negativity they create because you bring the smartest part of your brain online (the frontal cortex). The frontal cortex is reflective and helps you step back and get a greater perspective. You can do the same thing with emotions, naming them to tame them like “ahhh anxiety is here” or “oh shame has arrived”.

When naming or labeling your thoughts or emotions, one important tip. Make sure when you mentally label, to do it in a soothing, kind tone of voice. This is important as it helps you to settle and invite compassion and soothing into that moment instead of aggression or struggle. We’re not going to battle with the mind here. We are gently training it into new neural pathways of peace and ease. At a biological level, when you ‘name it to tame it’ in a soothing voice you even get a squirt of soothing neurotransmitters in the brain! This brings feelings of calm and ease and comfort.

Notice that many negative thoughts mostly flow from two directions. The first is dwelling on the past—maybe you ruminate over mistakes, problems, guilt and anything in your life that’s did not go the way you believe it should have gone. The second is worrying about the future—fear of what may or may not happen for yourself, others or the planet.

This may take the form of stress over whether or not you will achieve certain goals or anxiety about the security of your finances or relationships. Or perhaps you may worry about getting old. Whatever your particular negative thoughts are, notice that in order to engage in negative thought patterns the mind needs to cast its focus mostly into past or future. Either that or we judge and mentally label things in the present moment to be ‘bad’.

When lost in negative thinking we tend to be so engrossed in thoughts that we completely lose touch with what is actually happening in the present moments of our lives. We miss the little pleasures of living each day. The sunlight on your skin, the taste of the food we’re eating, a real connection with someone we love while they are talking. When we’re lost on our heads we lose touch with the world around us….and we lose touch with ourselves.

To become more present, and able to step out of negative thinking, one powerful method is to ‘come to your senses’. To do this simply redirect your attention out of the thoughts in your head and bring your focus to your sense perceptions.

Whether you’re in your home, at the office, in the park or on a subway, notice everything around you. Use your senses to their fullest. Don’t get into a mental dialogue about the things you see, just be aware of what you’re experiencing in this moment.

Be aware of the sounds, the scents, the sensation of the air on your skin or the contact points with the seat beneath you. Be there fully in the moment.

At the core of each one of us is a space that knows deep peace. As we grow up, we tend to get more and more drawn into the mind – our problems, our goals, our hopes, our fears and desires. We tend to get so busy, caught up and lose touch with this deeper sense of self…this pure unconditioned awareness.

It becomes easy for us to get more drawn into negative thinking the more we lose touch with ourselves in this way and lose ourselves in the mind. In fact research from Harvard University shows that most people are ‘mind wandering’ 47% of their day and this is the root of what causes cognitive fusion which is entanglement with thoughts.

Mindfulness is the practice of waking up to that wellspring of wholeness and peace. It’s waking up out of mind wandering (where we are lost in our heads, our old beliefs, habits, reactions and thinking patterns) so that we are able to live deliberately. Through mindfulness we build our capacity to live from that deeper awareness and tame the mind.

Each time your mind wanders in meditation, your task is to notice it and then detach from your thought stream and come back to your senses, in the moment. This is a practice of untangling from thoughts over and over again, a habit which translates in the rest of your life too. It becomes a habit to notice and let go with ease.

Each time you let go of the thought stream and come back into the present moment you tap into the stillness and wholeness at the heart of who you are. A sense of peace, lightness and joy arises more and more with each time you practice.

Each time you are kind and gentle with yourself when your mind wanders, instead of criticizing yourself, you are strengthening your self-compassion for challenging moments in the rest of your daily life. You become more resilient to stress and cultivate a kinder mind.

Each time you observe the mind that is an opportunity for ‘insight’ into your mind’s habits and patterns so you grown in what we might call wisdom or self-awareness.

Some kinds of negative thinking patterns can be quite ‘sticky’. You may find that you try to ‘name it to tame it’ and come back to your senses but the thoughts continue to have a grip on you. If you find yourself in this position there are some further tools you can use to untangle from your thoughts and change your focus. These are called the helpful questions for unhelpful thoughts. These are drawn from ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

You can use some of these questions to mentally question negative thoughts and use others to change your focus.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you untangle from the thought. You ask them and then you can answer them in your head. Usually you would just pick one of these at any given time.

Is this thought in any way useful or helpful?

Is it true? (Can I absolutely know that it’s true)

Is this just an old story that my mind is playing out of habit?

Does this thought help me take effective action?

Is this though helpful or is my mind just babbling on?

Then you can (mentally) ask these questions below to create new focus and new possibilities. These questions will help you focus on constructive thoughts and actions and help you effectively face your day-to-day challenges and move towards living a more meaningful life. Again, you may only use of of these at a time but you could always try more than one too.

What is the truth? My deepest truth?

What do I really want to feel or create in the situation? How can I move towards that?

How can I make the best of this situation?

Who would I be without this negative thought?

What new story or thought can I focus on now?

How can I see this in a different or new way?

What can I be grateful for in this moment?

With these powerful questions you can change your focus from being stuck in negativity to being focused on what’s going well. They will also help you take constructive action and move towards living a more meaningful life.

Constructive thinking allows you to be happy when things are going good, and puts problems in perspective when times get tough so you can stay calm and clear headed and deal with them in a practical efficient way.

The more you practice these tools, the more they will become like second nature to you. It’s like building a muscle—the more you use them, you become mentally fitter and stronger. In time the old habits are worn away and rather than being preoccupied with negativity, you’ll become more calm, centered and self-aware, leading to better relationships, greater overall happiness and a sense that your life is being fully lived.

[ulrichfoester]

Coping With Divorce

Richard Nicastro, PhD digs into the unfortunate reality of divorce; some of the ways it can come about as well as some important things to keep in mind if it happens.

We don’t get married expecting to be one of the fifty percent of the couples who end up divorcing.

The we’re-going-to-make-it expectation runs so deeply that most of us don’t even entertain the thought that someday we might be the couple fighting over who gets the antique desk and the artwork in the master bedroom. Most of us would never even consider gambling our life savings with these odds (a fifty percent chance that you could lose every penny), and yet, when it comes to marriage and divorce, we willingly roll the marital dice even though the emotional stakes are high.

While not all marital endings are alike, the decision to divorce (or having to divorce because of someone else’s decision) can be devastating.

Divorce is disruptive on many levels. There are the practical and financial upheavals, the untangling of lives once joined so tightly. The impact on children can be considerable. Where love once existed, there is now an emptiness filled with anger and despair. 

The slow burn ending

Some marriages unravel over time. For these couples, incompatibilities, ongoing disagreements and emotional distances are a slow growing relational cancer that consumes the relationship until a point of no return is reached. One or both partners may feel emotionally and physically worn out by the time the marriage ends.

The surprise ending

One of the most devastating and disorienting experiences is hearing “I want a divorce” from the person you love. Sometimes the person hearing this had no idea it was coming. In some cases, it seemed like the marriage was healthy and that everyone was happy/content. And other times, there may have been the typical ups and downs that relationships go through, but nothing so extreme to warrant an ending.

Symmetrical versus asymmetrical endings

A symmetrical divorce is when both spouses come to the decision (though not necessarily at the same time) that ending the marriage is the most viable option for them. A symmetrical ending can be amicable or contentious. It may arise out of the hope of a better future apart from each other or as an act of desperation designed to stop the onslaught of emotional pain caused by being together.

In an asymmetrical ending, one spouse wants out while the other wants to save the marriage. Depression, anxiety, and anger/rage (to name a few reactions) may result as our partner falls away from us. Feeling totally helpless, it can seem like we’re coming emotionally unglued. As one wife described:

“I wanted to hold onto Charlie so tightly so he wouldn’t leave me and at the same time I felt a murderous rage toward him. I pleaded with him not to give up on us and I hated myself for becoming so desperate. I never felt a mixture of things so intensely. It was horrible. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.”

Coping with divorce: 5 things to keep in mind

1) Mourning the death of your marriage

Our need for a deep connection with our partner makes us vulnerable to enormous pain when the relationship doesn’t work out. Couples who are deeply connected to each other take a big emotional hit when the relationship ends. This type of loss consumes us. We’re flooded with grief. And continued contact (if children are involved; because of mutual friends or shared employment) complicates the grieving process.

Allow yourself the emotional space to grieve. You are not losing your mind, you are processing deep pain that needs to run its course. Do not place an artificial time-line on this.

2) Coping with intense feelings

You’re going to want the pain to stop — even a momentary reprieve may be lacking at first. It may feel like you’re emotionally plummeting, and you may fear that the unrelenting feelings will never cease. But this isn’t so (even though it feels like it). Working through the feelings will allow them to decrease in intensity. This does take time, however.

You may find that for a period of time you can only engage in mindless activities because your concentration is scattered. You may cry often (in isolation or with others), sleep more/less, your eating patterns may change, you may feel drained of energy, you may ruminate nonstop about the marriage. All these are normal reactions to the major upheaval of divorce. 

In can be helpful to find temporary escapes from your pain, but be careful not to fall into the rabbit-hole of self-destructive escapism (e.g., excessive alcohol consumption; dating people who clearly aren’t good for you; acting-out sexually). Sleep more if you need to and if you’re able; go for walks if you can; zone out in front of the television; call someone you trust and can lean on.

In other words, find the ways that make you feel more centered during this exhausting, stressful time and give yourself the gift of self-compassion by engaging in them without guilt. 

3) Do not fall into self-loathing

Divorce can make some of us feel like we’ve personally failed. As one client shared, “This is my second failed marriage—there must be something terribly wrong with me!” Self-reproach is very different from self-examination. Self-examination leads to growth; it makes our life a classroom for continued learning. Self-reproach shuts down possibilities. 

Attacking yourself will only add layers of suffering to the pain you already feel. If you have a propensity for depression, be mindful of that internal critic who is looking for any reason to sabotage you.

4) Getting the support you need

Finding support from others can help break the isolation you might struggle with — some of us feel most alone when we’re in emotional pain. Family and/or friends might be a resource. But it will be vital to rely on others who aren’t judgmental of you getting a divorce. If all your friends are married it might feel like they don’t really understand what you’re going through.

Finding a divorce support group can help you connect with others who are journeying down the same path. Accessing professional help from a psychologist or therapist with experience working with post-divorce emotional dynamics can also be helpful if you feel you need more support.

5) Remembering there is life after divorce

Depending on where you are in the post-divorce healing process, this might sound more like a cliche than a reality. But the truth is people create very rich and rewarding lives despite having their marital dreams pulled out from under them. And of course, moving past divorce can also mean falling in love again.

Remember, you are healing from a significant loss. And your healing shouldn’t be rushed. Finding your emotional footing is your priority. Taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, and putting yourself first (which may feel very foreign to you if you played more of the caregiver role in your marriage) are all needed.

Divorce forces us to face ourselves in ways that can be transformative if we listen to what we are needing. Sometimes these needs will feel obvious to you; at other times, they may be barely perceptible and therefore will require deep listening on your part to discern them.

Learning to listen to yourself is a powerful growth experience that can result from this difficult time.

Dealing with divorce and moving forward is a very personal experience. It’s a painful time and it’s also a time for greater self-reflection and understanding. But like with many difficult transitions, the immediate task at hand is dealing with the intense pain and upheaval in the wake of your marriage ending.

Coping With Divorce published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Scrupulosity OCD and the Sin of Certainty

When religious and faithful individuals are told that the unremitting thoughts that they are trying to get rid of are due to their OCD, they have difficulty accepting it. They may remember how and where their symptoms began, and may attribute their sinful thoughts to Satan or being cursed somehow somewhere. They may eventually acknowledge the symptoms as OCD but continue to doubt their worthiness.

As they question their thoughts and actions, uncertainty persists. They believe they may find surety if they make a more exerted effort. For example, they may say, “If I pray longer, the intrusive thoughts will stop. Perhaps I didn’t confess all my sins. I must go back and do better. My service to others is not enough. I need to be more humble.” Their mind may come up with countless reasons and stories behind their inability to stop their thoughts and incessant guilt. They may feel evil and don’t realize that OCD is zeroing in on their religion and moral values.

When individuals are devout to their spiritual beliefs and struggle with OCD, treatment can become complex, stressful, and painful. Below are some clarifications regarding scrupulosity OCD.

The “Fix-it Machine”: Our mind allows us to solve external problems by coming up with ways to repair or discard malfunctioning items.  When we experience feelings and thoughts that aren’t working for us, our fix-it machine provides ideas to help us feel better. Just like we can stop the water from a leaking faucet by repairing it, our wonderful mind may propose that we can stop shameful thoughts. Have you noticed what happens when you try to do this? The mind’s other strategies also include: distraction, avoidance, figuring things out, time traveling (ruminating about the past and future), and repetition. Scrupulous individuals agonize, as their guilt and anxiety appear to be non-stop. They compulsively try those unhealthy coping skills. The results seem inconclusive and short lived.  

Impure Thoughts: Many religious and OCD sufferers feel conflicted and tormented when they experience wicked thoughts. They believe that they are not abiding to their religion’s precepts because those thoughts should not exist, yet they persist. They may say, “I’m wicked. I must remove these thoughts permanently.” Their observances such as prayers, singing, and reciting spiritual verses usually provide some comfort. As the thoughts return, they persevere in their belief that they may not be trying hard enough. They then increase the intensity and duration of their observances so they can have longer effect. Soon enough, they find themselves trapped in the obsessive-compulsive web. Their affliction heightens as the unclean thoughts resurface again and again.

The Sin of Certainty: Individuals who struggle with OCD yearn for the certainty that will set them free of guilt and anxiety. Ensuring that they are forgiven may become their primary focus each day, but certainty continues to elude them. They forget that their everyday routines include uncertainty. When it comes to the feared consequences related to their doctrine and beliefs, uncertainty is unacceptable in their view. They continue to do whatever they can to decrease the disturbing dissonance between their souls and their thoughts. The sin of certainty occurs because they become distracted from what matters most — their faith and love of God.

Eventually, exhaustion takes over and they may feel dejected and depressed. They may become disenchanted with their religion. They may say, “If I stay away from the triggers that create this agony, I will be better off.” Sometimes, their anguish may turn into animosity towards their church.

The OCD Web: The quest for certainty becomes a stumbling block to their faith and their desired spirituality. Individuals become entangled with their thoughts and feelings and are unable to separate themselves from those internal experiences. As they feel trapped, the entanglement ensues with obsessions and compulsions that become their demise.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You can unravel yourself from unhelpful thoughts and become more flexible with them. When you notice you are getting caught up in the OCD web, remember that:

Our mind is continually producing thoughts. Therefore, controlling and stopping thoughts is not possible. It is only wishful thinking.

Every mortal being will have impure thoughts at one time or another. This is not to reassure you, but to remind you that it is best to come to terms with the fact that you are an earthly creature and imperfect. Trying to achieve purity in thought is not possible in this life.

Because you have scrupulosity OCD, the thoughts that show up may be opposite to what you hold dear in your heart, such as your faith and moral values. Remember that this is what happens. Don’t be surprised when OCD morphs or entangles your thoughts and feelings related to other important areas of your life.

Notice what happens when you hold your thoughts lightly. Observe them as they move at their own pace. You can learn to do this instead of trying to figure out why you had them.

Remember, you have thoughts — pleasant and unpleasant ones — for various reasons including: you have a human mind, and religion and moral values are important to you. You don’t have to get trapped with the sin of certainty in the OCD web.

You have a choice!

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/29/scrupulosity-ocd-and-the-sin-of-certainty/

[redsoapbox]

Hinterland /Series 3

Hinterland, BBC Wales’ uncompromising crime drama returns to our screens this month (S4C, who initially financed the development of the programme, broadcast the latest series of its Welsh language version Y Gwyll last autumn), for a third and, if co-creator Ed Talfan’s recent comments are anything to go by, final season. Whilst Talfan was at pains not to rule out the programme returning in another format sometime in the future (a cheery Christmas special, anyone?), his view, subsequently echoed by Hinterland’s lead actor Richard Harrington (DCI Tom Mathias), suggests that the current series of this ground-breaking bi-lingual cop show is set to develop in such a way as to enable the story to come to a natural conclusion. 

That opinion, rather than being an admission that Hinterland’s power to enthral is somehow on the wane is, in fact, a reference to the harrowing backstory of the tormented and traumatised Mathias having finally worked its way to a (presumably) satisfying narrative resolution - there was even a hint in the season opener that Mathias may soon be dipping his big toe into the sea of love again, for goodness sake! And, there’s the rub; Hinterland is a detective drama where the plot often takes second place (sometimes third, if you, like me, spend a fair degree of the show’s 90-minute running time ruminating on the mysterious beauty of Ceredigion), to the psychological excavation of Mathias’s battered subconscious. If Mathias is finally allowed to come to peace with his past, then the dark undercurrents that have swept him along his particular path of destruction will have disappeared along with much of the psychological tension that motivated our anti-hero.

For those coming to the show late on in its run, a quick de-brief may be in order: DCI Tom Mathias has returned home to Wales after serving for a decade with the London Metropolitan Police, unfortunately, though, it’s not to be a happy homecoming; we soon discover that Matthias is desperately trying to escape a tragedy in his recent past. Harrington, a very fine actor who had previously caught the eye as Dr. Allan Woodcourt in the rip-roaring BBC adaptation of Dickens’ Bleak House (2005), plays the broken Mathias in a pent-up manner that echoes Humphrey Bogart’s portrayal of doomed gangster Duke Mantee in The Petrified Forest (1936); all gnarled, internalised rage, a loner constantly on the verge of violent despair. By the close of series 2, Mathias is hunkered down in a static caravan at the cliff’s edge, weighing up whether or not to take his own life. 

Richard Harrington and Mali Harries

On the surface, Series 3, Episode 1, (for some reason each individual episode no longer has a title), opens with a routine enough scene in which Mathias is simply seen washing his face and staring bleakly into the mirror above the washbasin. However, his morning drill is intercut with interior shots of his torched caravan (the climax to series 2). After he has finished scrubbing up, he hangs a towel over the mirror, deliberately blocking-off his reflection as if drawing a veil over his time spent in solitary confinement there and even, perhaps, over his period of mourning for his young daughter. The camera is positioned directly behind him, an approach which continues outside as he stares at the broken shell of his caravan. It’s a camera angle that re-occurs multiple times over the 90 minutes, making it clear that we are witnessing the unfolding events through the eyes of Mathias himself. 

The twin-track plot of the opening episode (scripted by Debbie Moon, who also penned the excellent “Ceredigion” episode in series 2), centres around finding the arsonist who set fire to Mathias’s caravan (there is an obvious suspect carried over from the last series), and solving the murder of the local minister Elwyn Jones, who has just been found bludgeoned to death in his own home. Working through the clues to a crime, though, isn���t really what this show is all about; plots are specifically tailored to mirror Mathias’s internal struggles with grief and guilt (here, one of the leading suspects may be motivated by the death of a child to seek revenge), and have a more aesthetic function than is usual in a mainstream detective drama. Which is probably just as well, as both family members that I watched the episode with unmasked the killer very early on! 

Whilst the show’s stark, rural setting helps define the show, it also severely limits the scope of the programme makers to come up with a believable crime for Mathias to investigate, a point co-creator and director Ed Thomas stressed to Wales Arts Review back in 2014 ‘The kinds of stories we can make in Hinterland is quite narrow. It’s not going to be a massive international drugs bust story or fast moving. It’s dictated by the locals and that’s blood, belonging, history, families, loss, loneliness and the landscape.’ He may as well be describing the plot layout for season 3’s opener! 

With the above restrictions in mind, it’s always interesting to see how Hinterland varies its plot palette (answer: with great difficulty) and how the creative team behind the show make full use of the distinctive landscape (answer: panoramic views of lowering skies, derelict farmhouses, and woodland hideaways). The opening episode of series 3 follows a familiar pattern - there are scenes with Mathias winding his way through mountain roads (both Shetland and Vera tread a similar path), together with standard shots of the sea crashing against, and recoiling from, Aberystwyth seafront. 

Hinterland, however, doesn’t have to rely on clichés to engineer its unique atmosphere; filmed largely in the area between Tregaron and Machynlleth, executive producer Ed Thomas makes full use of Ceredigion’s breathtaking scenery; lingering shots of isolated farmhouses stitched haphazardly into the stark countryside are peopled with sickly, dysfunctional men and women, hemmed in by the blackened mountains, the closing sea and their own demons. These bleak, imposing landscapes are used to frame the action, with as much of the investigation as possible taking place on the road; witnesses and suspects are often questioned in farmyards or outbuildings (in this episode a vet is interrogated while washing lambs blood out of the back of his Land Rover!), so that the spell of the show isn’t broken. This doesn’t happen by chance; Ed Thomas made a conscious decision at the series’ outset to restrict our view of modern day Wales - so don’t expect too many scenes set in sprawling shopping malls or plastic pubs. And although Aberystwyth is a coastal town, the expanse of the sea remains unexplored too; sifting through the dark depths of the human mind is, and always has been, the true business of Hinterland.  

As Mathias continues his investigation into the minister’s murder, a family portrait at the scene of the crime and a half-drunk bottle of whiskey kept in a desk drawer is enough to dislodge more of the DCI’s buried memories, almost making him keel over with misery. The scene plays out with a grim-faced Mathias slumped in a chair clutching a packet of painkillers, or possibly, anti-depressants. There’s not a word spoken, but it’s exactly the kind of scene that makes Hinterland such a compelling watch. Harrington (under)plays to perfection here, resisting the temptation to ham up his character’s relapse. 

For a moment it seems as though Mathias isn’t quite ready to emerge from his cocoon of despair, but the relapse is only temporary, and a scene with the landlady of his B&B (the very fact he is prepared to live in shared accommodation signifies that the healing process is fully underway and that Mathias is ready to take his place in the world again), is clearly designed to show the detective at last contemplating a life outside of the confines of Aberystwyth Police Station. Later, when consoling the bereaved Lyn Edwards, he is almost able to joke about their shared mental health crisis. When Edwards asks how he can offer his wife hope ‘when all I want to do is close my eyes and never wake up’, Matthias’s response ‘If you find the answer to that one, will you let me know’ is as honest as it is heartbreaking. Importantly, though, he is prepared to accept the possibility of an answer-a prospect he wouldn’t previously have countenanced. 

As the net closes in on the murderer in the family, the second plot strand begins to take precedence. Iwan Thomas, the suspected arsonist, confronts Mathias’s boss Chief Superintendent Brian Prosser (Aneirin Hughes) with allegations of a high-level police cover-up into abuse at a local children’s home (the subject of the very first programme in season 1). The rather sketchy, unexplored figure of the seemingly untrustworthy Prosser has been one of Hinterland’s noticeable failures. Always looming in the shadows, and clearly the keeper of sinister secrets, he has remained a character in search of a back-story throughout the show’s history. His role in the denouement, here, though, was truly shocking and served as a powerful reminder that Hinterland can still pack a knockout punch when the storyline demands it. 

With Hinterland drawing to a close, it’s worth reflecting on the show’s success. First off, it shouldn’t be underestimated that Wales now has its very own top-notch detective. Mathias, as emotionally zipped up as his trademark wax jacket, deserves to be ranked right up there with Morse, Tennison, Regan and Hunt in the pantheon of truly memorable British crime-busters. Whilst Harrington all but carries the show, there was fine support from his colleagues, especially Mali Harries as DI Mared Rhys. Hinterland’s co-creators Ed Thomas and Ed Talfan should obviously take a bow too; it was a truly visionary idea to make a bilingual crime-noir, and to commit to shooting the programme back to back in English and Welsh was a real labour of love for all concerned.  In addition, Hinterland proved to be a commercial success too; fitting neatly into BBC4’s super-cool subtitled slot on Saturday evenings, being shown across much of mainland Europe as well as being streamed to American and Canadian audiences via Netflix. 

[ventresses]

There's so much to touch on with the great points made above! I think that Hunter, Tech, etc., looking out for themselves and their squad and not joining the fight can easily be read as them being selfish, but their choices are very normal and human, and are realistic for their characters, for the reasons above, plus two other aspects that I think are worth mentioning:

Firstly, characters like Echo and Rex are much more collectivist, and they've experienced belonging and inclusion among their brothers, and so that's where their loyalties and their senses of obligation and community are. However, the Bad Batch are much more individualistic because of their squad's isolation and ostracization due to their distinctiveness from the “Regs.” The Batch’s loyalties and sense of obligation are first and foremost towards themselves and their immediate circle.

Using this framework it’s logical that the Batch would to be reluctant to put everything on the line for the cause of helping clone-kind- a group to which they technically belong, but which they have never been fully immersed in, nor accepted within. (Also, just generally speaking, most people are reluctant to put their own lives on the line for others who aren’t in their in-group, especially if they themselves are struggling in their own ways.)

Secondly, given the horrible ongoing events and the world rapidly changing in ways they can't control, making their lives even more challenging and dangerous, and the trauma of everything they’ve been and are going through, it’s a VERY normal response to turn inward and focus on self-preservation. Some people will hit their limit and just check out and avoid getting involved, even if their help would make a difference. Hunter is a good example of this.

It is also a normal response for some folks to throw themselves head first into the fight, put the cause first, and keep at it until either they get burnt out or they get taken out, and may feel resentment at and alienation from those who choose not to get involved. Echo, Rex, and Saw Gererra are good examples of this.

Most of the characters (the male protagonists, anyways) in The Bad Batch fit into one of these two buckets. Neither one is entirely wrong or right, and both are unhealthy in their own ways. It's just that being a self-sacrificing hero is commonly viewed as the correct and honorable path, and it's what we'd like to believe that we ourselves would do if we were in their shoes.

(As far as the original video goes, my feelings and thoughts on it are mixed- mainly because I don't think its analysis and critique go far enough, but I do think it does a good job of defining and explaining the Grandiose Heroic Male trope and giving examples, and in that regard at least it's a decent jumping-off point for discussions about models of masculinity in our media and culture. I also think that applying that framework to the male protagonists in The Bad Batch, particularly Hunter, and to the critiques people have of them/him is absolutely spot on.)

The Myth of Heroic Masculine Purpose, and How it’s Harming Men

This video is worth the time and at least listen (if you don't have time to sit down and actively watch). I was thinking of The Bad Batch's Hunter. Hunter wants to stay home and "do the laundry" settling on Pabu to raise Omega safely. He's done being a soldier. What he is doing is still worthy. Some in the fandom don't agree he should do that and denigrate his character for it. Not everyone can be an Echo or a Rex. We need some people to be on the home front to take care "of the laundry" as this video describes while others go to fight in the Rebellion. In our Earth history, there have been both, and it doesn't necessarily have to be gender specific.