#and right now ashton sees himself as that (kinda has the whole time i think)

[zipzin]

A part of me wishes cr3 was fiction instead of a dnd campaign because I feel like Matt's set up this beautiful tragedy. Like, on one hand I do think it could still very much go in that direction, but would he do that to all his friends???

[inconmess]

I've been building up this post for quite a while so I think everything in this post is kinda out of order and looks like a bit of a big word vomit... So sorry in advance. Also since it is kinda longer than I realise, I am putting it under the cut. And I am open to any discussion.

(Personally think I may have gotten a few things wrong and if so, please correct me?)

I think the thing about Orym and grief is... A part of him has never let himself grieve his loss properly. He has accepted that they are dead and will never come back, yes. He makes it a point to live up to them everyday, yes. But acceptance is not the same as grief, it is a part of it but not the same.

And this was an interesting discussion I was having with my friends and I feel that it strikes so true here, is the fact that you remember the worst moments of your life more vividly than the happiest moments because in your happy moments, you don't question what happened to you as much as you question your worst moments in life.

And Orym has lived with that question for six years. Now, the same could be said to Ashton and Imogen and Fearne and the rest of the Bells Hells really but as pointed out in this post by @caeslxys. (a really good pot btw) Even though the others have had their questions as to why a particular bad incident happened, Orym has had the shortest time to actually cope with it while for the others, it has been years at this point and maybe they have sort of come to peace with most of their shit before it came back to hit them in their face. And for some, it just hit them recently.

And for Orym the question of "Why?" resurfaces again and again the more he seeks out answers and when he does get the answer... I don't think anyone would really love to learn that the two most important people in their lives were dead because "it was just collateral damage. They didn't really have to die but they did." Not when you were having a happy, peaceful life. They signed up for this, yes. But it is also not fair to have your whole life cut short just because a big shot wants to test a theory.

And I am not trying to say that Orym bringing up his losses every time they have a discussion about the Vanguard is right or wrong because he has every right to and may be wrong at the same time because he is biased. Because at this point, he is very biased.

Apart from what I mentioned above, Orym watched Otohan kill his husband and father. He fought Otohan again and this time lost his life, Fearne and Laudna. He fights Otohan again and nearly loses Keyleth. Fights Otohan again a fourth time and knows that there would've been more losses if FCG hadn't sacrificed themselves. Not to forget Otohan killing Eshteross, something I think Orym internally blames himself for because she read his mind for the information. And even if Otohan is now dead, the loss stays.

I also think that seeing Will when he died had more of a personal impact than he realised because I know while seeing the dead person can sometimes bring some comfort, at the same time, when you are trying to live up to them, trying to answer questions that are just beyond you when you really haven't had the chance to completely grieve and accept, the grief possibly just hits you more.

SO while the Hells have had their personal losses with the Vanguard and Otohan, I think Orym has had the longest beef with the group among them all. He didn't know about the Vanguard 6 years ago, yes. He discovered their name along with the rest of the Hells. But loss wise, Orym was the first of the lot to suffer due to the Vanguard.

This is not me trying to put an exact scale or measurement of the loss cuz it is intangible and stuff. But he's been dealing with it for 6 years. Maybe not for harbouring revenge, but the resentment hasn't completely gone but rather festered the more he seeked answers. So he is going to be extra jaded.

But not to forget the fact that up until Bordor, he did try to see the Vanguard's point too, still kinda does (the locket he took from a Vanguard member as a reminder) but I think by the time of Bordor's betrayal, he's had too many losses with the Vanguard to actually care of their point of view because all he's seen of their group is innocent people getting killed or almost killed for no reason at all.

Bordor's beef as a person from the Vanguard had been against Laudna, Orym and Ashton but he still nearly killed Prism and would've probably marked it off as collateral if she'd died. Dropping off the locket with Bordor doesn't mean that he left all his empathy but at the same time, like he mentions, they are at war. And war doesn't really discriminate amongst people. It just takes.

Like he said to Imogen, I think he still tries to believe the Vanguard can have some people who are good and not all of them are evil but all he's know from the Vanguard at this point is loss and Liliana's blind faith towards Ludinus or Predathos doesn't help.

So back to the recent episode.

Do I think that it is wrong for Orym to bring up to Liliana about his dead family as an answer to her response. No. Do I think it was a wrong time to bring it up? Maybe. Because Liliana was not being confrontational but Orym was turning confrontational the more the discussion happened.

But the thing about Orym saying it to her face is that... It is one thing to know that there have been deaths and even if Liliana didn't directly cause it, she was a part of the group that did and brush it off as collateral damage. And no one does a census or survey post the "collateral damage" on how it affects the other person because now, they have what they want to there is no use to go back there.

And Orym is kinda like that mirror which is like... "SO you had a loss because of the gods and now are going around leaving collateral damage you want to fix stuff? Guess what? Your collateral damage was my life that you just uprooted just like the gods/god people did yours, so are you really any different from the people you hate and the change you want to bring about?" (which is kinda the parallel between Orym and Bordor I find really interesting because this is a cycle that is never ending at the end of the day)

And did Orym need that outlet? Hells yeah. GIVE THAT MAN A HUG!

[utilitycaster]

I have been thinking about FCG and Imogen's dynamic and how much it changed and i have talked about it in tags a couple of times

Like it changed from both of them going "there is something really wrong with you and you don't realize it, so i will help you fix it" to echother. And now they are both very much on a standstill and kinda waiting for the other to the other to "come to their senses"

I have a feeling that something is going to happen and they are gonna start arguing and snapping at each other, because there is a really fun tension forming between the two of them and their own arrogance is keeping them at bay

So here's the thing: I don't actually think FCG is acting this way towards Imogen! I think it's mostly one-sided and coming from Imogen, whereas FCG is kind of just rolling along doing their own thing.

FCG's arc so far has been one of learning their purpose and the truth about the demise of their party, which was obviously traumatic, but they were met with the support of Bells Hells and Imahara Joe and encouraged heavily to make their own path - and found a deity who represents exactly that: possibility, change, and chance. While his path towards faith has definitely been a weird one with its share of incorrect assumptions, it's also helped him through a lot of difficult circumstances, and it's been rewarded with the attention of the Changebringer. They also met FRIDA and were able to make a strong connection with them very quickly, and while they're still figuring things out, there's a sense of peace about it. FCG still does care about other people, but he's started to consider his own needs in a way he previously didn't and tentatively embrace personhood, and can see a way forward.

Imogen, on the other hand, despite learning much more about the source of her powers, knows less about what she wants now. Originally, she hoped to learn where they came from, and she wanted to be rid of them - or at least, she thought she wanted to be rid of him (Imogen's feelings about power lead me to believe she never actually wanted to be rid of them entirely, just, understandably, the downsides). She now knows that she is Ruidusborn, with all that entails...and the party is fighting most of the Ruidusborn, and the source of her powers. And, to be clear, I absolutely think the party is right, but Imogen finds herself wanting the thing she thought she didn't want (Ruidusborn powers). And whereas the party has largely been tolerant, if not always enthused with FCG's explorations of religion, Imogen feeling out the Ruby Vanguard was met with vehement opposition. Which, again, is fair, because FCG is saying some theologically incorrect and perhaps annoying to some but ultimately harmless shit about a canonically good-aligned deity, whereas Imogen was entertaining siding with a murderous group of cultists responsible for the deaths of Orym's husband, Orym himself, Fearne, and Laudna; but I can see why she felt upset about it.

I think Imogen is intensely jealous of FCG, actually, and she knows it's irrational, which only makes it feel worse. FCG is embracing personhood in a way she doesn't like, but that's the whole point of personhood, isn't it? To make the choices that are right for you, considering the needs of your friends but not erasing yourself to accommodate them. FCG has received support, and even a relationship with someone who can uniquely understand them - in fact, even more so, after this last episode, in which FRIDA has also killed at the command of Aeor. FCG, when unsure about their purpose and agency, received gentle guidance and encouragement to take their time and figure out who they wanted to be. Imogen, when plagued with doubt, has received none of that. She's been yelled at by Ashton and Orym (again: valid of Ashton and Orym, but we're focusing on Imogen's perspective and the fact that she probably even realizes they were right, but that doesn't help her actually feel better). She's constantly told by her closest friend (whose own darker power source was seemingly eliminated without ill effects) that she's "very capable" or that she's always been able to make her own decisions, both responses which give Imogen no room to actually grapple with that doubt and have a chance to address it head-on.

FCG didn't know what they wanted at the beginning, and has found an incredibly validating purpose and a companion who understands many of their struggles. Imogen got precisely what she thought wanted - she even now has a magical item that does take away some of the worst effects of her powers - and it's unsatisfying. She's full of resentment and she knows it's misdirected. I don't even think she's waiting for FCG to come to their senses. I think she just wants to feel what he feels and have what he has, but pursuing the gods isn't right for her, so she's lashing out.

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter two

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

chapter zero, one

july 13, 2018

los angeles, california

calum

-

When we wrap up our final rehearsal for the week, the boys and I are both hyped for tour and drained from the whole thing before it’s even started. We’re all sweaty and eager to go home, yet we can’t manage to actually say goodbye to each other in the parking lot at our rehearsal facility.

It’s funny, seven years of spending practically every minute with these guys and I still find myself wanting to spend more time with them. I guess that’s family.

“What’s on the agenda for you and O tonight, Cal?” Ashton asks and leans against his car. He’s probably the sweatiest out of all of us, but to be honest, we’re all drenched.

I can’t help but smile when I think of her. “She’s been feeling kinda sick lately, so I was just gonna grab some ramen from that place near our apartment and we’ll just take an easy night in.”

“Ah, right before tour? Better not catch whatever she’s got,” Mike quips. “Maybe you should quarantine from each other.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m not quarantining from my girlfriend two weeks before I leave her for four months, especially not when she feels like shit.”

Mike mouths “whipped” to me before Luke intervenes. I pretend to whack Mike over the head and ruffle his hair. I know he’s just kidding, but he’s not wrong, so I wouldn’t actually care if he wasn’t.

“Alright, alright, cut it out you two. I’m calling it—let’s all go home now. See you on Monday morning.” Luke doesn’t wait for any of us to reply before he gets into his car and slams the door behind himself.

The rest of us laugh at his quick departure from the conversation but also take it as the end for us all. Mike and Ash give me a sweaty half hug before we’re all clambering into our own cars, mine the shittiest by far. This tank goes through gas at a rate that may honestly be illegal in California, but it’s my car and I love it. Besides, it runs. I get from point A to point B—what else do I need?

Orion. Ramen. That’s what I need.

The journey back to the heart of LA, including the pit stop at O’s favorite vegan ramen shop, takes me about an hour and a half. Actually, I guess it’s her second favorite. There was one in Madrid that she went to all the time that had a Winnie the Pooh sign, so naturally it became her favorite. That one was also far cheaper than any of the options in LA.

I park my shitty Jeep in the parking garage, next to her less shitty but equally beat up Honda Civic. The girl hits curbs and “bonks” other cars as she parallel parks all the time. Naturally that’s taken a toll on her car.

I swipe my fob to enter the building and nod to the security officer in the lobby.

If it weren’t for Orion going to UCLA, I probably wouldn’t live in such a central location, for safety reasons. When we decided to move in together, I didn’t want her to have to drive over an hour stuck in traffic to go to campus every day. Going from living on campus and being able to run to class 5 minutes before it starts is a big shift from living in an apartment, so I wanted it to be as easy as possible for her.

Thus, we live in a super secure building in Santa Monica with 24/7 onsite officers and fob entry for the parking garage and the building.

I take the elevator up to our floor and feel myself start to get giddy at the excitement of coming home to her. It’s so silly—we live together, have been together for two years, and yet I still get nervous to see her.

When I open the door to the apartment, Duke is waiting for me and I hear the sounds of a show playing on the TV in the living room.

“I come bearing gifts,” I call out and set our food on the entryway table while I kick off my shoes.

I’m met with silence.

“O, where are you?”

More silence.

I start walking through our home, looking for signs of life, but end up finding her curled up in a massive blanket on the couch, sleeping. She’s not wearing any makeup and her hair is dirty, pulled into a messy knot on top of her head. She looks adorable, but she must still feel kind of sick. She had gone to the doctor today since she keeps getting these bugs, constantly having a fever and feeling sick, then feeling better, but then the sickness comes back a few weeks later.

I carefully crawl onto the couch and gently lift her legs to lay across my lap, trying not to wake her up, but just wanting to be closer to her. My efforts are fruitless and she stirs, her eyes cracking open sleepily. When she sees me, she smiles.

“Hi,” she says quietly. “How was rehearsal?”

My shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. “Same old. How’re you feeling? Did the doctor have anything helpful?”

She sighs and shakes her head. “Not really, they took some blood samples and stuff to send off to a lab. They think it’s just a bug, maybe a weakened immune system for whatever reason—they said the blood test could help indicate a bunch of different things.”

I frown. She’s been feeling kinda crappy every few weeks for months now. “I’m sorry they don’t have an answer yet. I brought you ramen.”

And just like that, there’s life in her face and light in her eyes while she beams at me. “You’re the best ever.”

Orion sits up and scoots closer to me and lazily drapes her arms over my shoulders. Her brown eyes gaze into mine and she gives me a quick kiss, pulling away too soon for my liking.

“Just one? I brought you noodles!”

She giggles — my favorite sound — and then she’s kissing me again, her lips smooth and soft with her favorite lip balm. It’s birthday cake flavored and she’s gifted me a few tubes whenever she makes me random gift baskets. I’ve gotten shit from the guys for it since it has glitter in it, but who wouldn’t want to think of their girl every time they put on a layer of lip balm?

“Thank you for bringing me noodles.”

“Anything for you,” I say, giving her another kiss. She beams her bright smile at me and then rests her forehead on my shoulder while pulling me into a hug. “Want to eat and then we can take a shower?”

“That may be the best idea you’ve ever had,” Orion says, pulling me even closer to her than I already am, trying to get rid of any space there is between us.

—

A few hours later, we’re back on the couch, the sunset shining into our place through the windows, casting a warm glow over the entire space. We’re all tangled up in a mess of limbs and blanket and pillows; Orion is playing some silly game on her phone and I’m half paying attention to an episode of Brooklyn 99 on the TV. I know I have two more weeks here, but I can’t help but dread the thought of leaving Orion for months at a time. With her classes and our minimal breaks on this tour, we probably won’t get to see each other at all until after the tour is over.

We started out long distance, sort of, since we weren’t in the same place the whole time but saw each other frequently, but we haven’t been touring since the Sounds Live, Feels Live Tour ended a year and a half ago, so we haven’t really had to deal with being apart. I’m not worried about going long distance—Orion and I are stronger and happier than ever. I’m really just going to miss her… so much.

I’m thankful that tour is so crazy busy usually, so the time apart should fly by, and we’ll be having a great time playing shows every night and exploring different cities and meeting all the fans. I just wish O could come with us, but I’d never ask her to take a semester off. Her education is so important to her and I admire her for it, but I do almost want her to try a semester off now. Once she’s done with undergrad and is in law school, she definitely won’t be able to visit on tour, but that’s a problem for future us, I suppose.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but mine is already growing fonder from a mere few inches away. I don’t need more distance.

“What are you thinking about?” Orion’s soft voice interrupts my thoughts.

“No thoughts,” I say, tracing circles on her back. “Head empty.”

She chuckles, but I feel her gaze boring into my face, studying me. “Don’t lie. I know you zoned out.”

I swear sometimes she knows me better than I know myself. Every gift she buys me is completely her own idea—she’s never once asked for ideas or guidance and it’s always something I didn’t know existed but I needed or something I simply needed or wanted. She remembers everything I’ve ever liked at every restaurant we have been to and she knows every word to our songs, which I can’t even say I do. She can tell when I’m drained from being around people and will offer for us to leave before I’ve even had a chance to realize I’m ready to go.

Seen. Known. Loved. I’ve never felt more love from anyone than I have felt from Orion.

“Nothing, really, just being sad about leaving you for a few months,” I reply. When I look down at her, she’s pouting at me with sad eyes.

“Stop being sappy,” she goes. She then rolls her eyes. “It’s not gonna be fun at all to tour the world with your best friends and perform music you wrote to thousands of adoring fans and fulfill your lifelong dream.”

This time I roll my eyes. “Of course it’ll be fun, but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss you at the same time!”

“Even if you were here, I’ll be so wrapped up in LSAT prep and law school apps and classes, you wouldn’t get to spend much time with me anyway.” I know she’d be busy, but we’d be in the same space, sharing the same air, sleeping in the same bed. She’s right though, just the amount of LSAT prep she’s been doing with some of the other kids on the pre-law track over the summer took up an insane amount of her time.

Oh, Orion. Even though she lives her life through emotion and feeling, she still somehow can be logical and rational when it counts, almost to a fault.

“I’m still gonna miss you, so, so much,” I clarify. We lock eyes, and I know that we both know that it’ll be a bittersweet few months apart.

“You won’t miss me. I’ll be just as annoying as I am normally, just from a distance. I can promise you that!”

I crack a smile. “Oh yeah, you’re so annoying. Leaving your contacts on the side of the sink and using the espresso machine at ungodly early hours of the day. Always texting me to bring you a snack between classes. Giving Duke a kiss before me when you get home. Honestly, I can’t stand you.”

She scoffs and lightly taps her hand against my face in a mock slap. “Wow, so you’re leaving me and insulting me all in the same breath? Hit me while I’m down, why don’t you?”

“Hey, you called yourself annoying. I’m just supporting you here.”

“Fine, I’ll stop bringing you coffee in bed then.”

“Wait, no, no, no, I take it all back, please use the espresso machine while I’m still asleep.”

Orion looks at me with her big brown eyes, so round and gleaming with light, staring at me with pure adoration. “I’m gonna miss you.”

I gasp. “I thought you just said that won’t be happening!”

“Oh my god, just stop talking and kiss me!” She laughs and flips over so our chests are pressed together and I can pull her even closer.

read chapter three

—

a/n: hi hi. idk what i’m doing here getting back into writing is hard :’) happy friday folks

[arent-i-the-fairest]

𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡

introducing your new boyfriend to the staff and praying that they’re alright with the relationship.

dire crowley

so distressed— a boyfriend?? since when??? of course it’s a “no” from him! because! because… uh…

“why, do i approve? is that even a question?” he chuckles. “of course i don’t!!”

“wha— why?!” you asked.

“because!” crowley huffed, holding a finger up. you could see the gears in his head slowing down. “a… ah.. because— why should i?”

“glad you asked, i’ve got a whole list of reasons! for one, he’s—” conveniently, crowley pulled out his phone and gasped.

“oh! oh! oh, no! i would love to continue this discussion, but i’ve just received this text.” he sniffled. “i have… uh, highly-important headmaster business i must tend to— that i am not lying about! now run along, children!”

every time you tried to protest, crowley went even harder on this “important work” story.

“no use in trying to fight him anymore; he’s too stubborn.” you sighed. “off to the next staff member.”

divus crewel

he already knew about your boyfriend, he was just waiting for you to formally introduce him. crewel carries the title of “most overprotective staff member” really well, always sticking his nose in your business. but anyways, does crewel approve of him?

you tensed, seeing crewel’s glare. he’s totally about to say no right now.

“please don’t judge him too harshly, professor; he’s a good guy!”

crewel shook his head. “even if i tone down my harshness, i’m afraid it’s still a no from me.” you sighed, hanging your head low— two objections in a row. can’t say you didn’t expect it, but still, ouch. your boyfriend rubbed your back, soothing you.

crewel looked at the pitiful sight in front of him— his focus mostly on you. with a sigh, he stopped you two from leaving the room.

“hold it.” he took a moment to look at the nervous boy beside you once again, and rolled his eyes. “while you, sir, could do with a better haircut, better posture, more confidence, and a lot more—”

“wait, professor? you’re saying yes?!” you beamed.

the professor clicked his tongue. “no, i was going to say i’ll think about it. now go on and leave, you’ll waste all your break time in here!”

mozus trein

analyzes him head to toe. your poor boyfriend is so nervous, sweating his ass off under trein’s gaze. and you were over there dying too because you thought trein was gonna grill him— but it took a great turn! you got your first “yes”!

“you’re taste in partners is strange, prefect.” trein stated.

you gulped, thinking he was gonna pick your boyfriend apart the same way crewel had— and he kinda did. “i’d prefer it more if you chose someone a little smarter. more dignified. and isn’t he the young man who started that big fight last week?”

you sighed. “i won’t waste anymore time— you don’t approve, right?”

“hm? no, no. i do.” you and your partner both let out a “what?”, sharing a glance at each other.

trein turned to the boy next to you. “so long as you do not hurt them, i will not try and separate you.” you squealed, going up to your teacher and giving him a hug.

“thank you, mr. trein!! thank you thank you!”

“of course.” trein chuckled, and watched as you two ran off to the next teacher. he found himself smiling. “young love.”

ashton vargas

he does not care lol

you love the guy? he loves you? then this relationship has the coaches approval. if he turns out to be a bad guy, vargas will take care of things :’x

you and your boyfriend shared a worried glance, waiting for vargas's answer. “sure i approve! why wouldn’t i?”

that was quick! “wow— really? cause everyone else so far has put up some kind of fight, and i dunno, with you i just thought it’d be the same and—”

vargas slapped a hand on your shoulder, laughing. “you kids are such overthinkers! no need for it, now go run those laps i assigned!”

sam

he does not care p2

but before he blindly says yes, he does have some questions! just a few, that’s all! is your boyfriend ever aggressive towards you? or judgemental? cold? selfish? toxic in other ways? if you answer no to all of those, congrats, sam gives him a green light~!

with a relieved exhale, your boyfriend thanked sam before leaving to the shop to give you and him some alone time.

“so, have ya’ shown him off to any of the other staff members?” sam asked. you nodded.

“all the others.”

sam gasped and feigned hurt. “so i was last in line?” he frowned, clutching his heart before bursting out in chuckles. “kiddin’, kiddin’. but did they give him a thumbs up or down?”

“crowley said no, crewel was about to say no, but decided that he was gonna think about it— and trein and vargas said yes.”

sam snickered, shaking his head. “yeah, all that sounds about right. was sure crewel would give him a hard no though, what made him not? pull up a seat and tell me what went down!”

[nostalgiabones]

Starting Line // L.H

It feels like SO long since I last did or posted any writing, but solo Luke has pulled me out of the woodwork! I’m so so proud of his new project and love Starting Line so much that it finally inspired me to write something. I feel like I’m a bit rusty with writing so thank you so much @calumrose and @calpops for helping me out with it! I hope you enjoy this & I would love to hear any thoughts on it!

Falling asleep next to Luke has become so normal, so part of your daily routine that when he’s not there, your body knows. The moments through the night where you’re briefly pulled from sleep for whatever reason no longer feel like disturbances when you’re met with the sight of Luke asleep next to you, instantly soothing you back to sleep. All you had to do was reach out, and he was never far away — a gentle kiss to assure you he was right there.

There’s no such sight tonight though.

The bedroom is dark, so for a moment you feel as though your eyes are tricking you, as Luke is always there. Although, there’s a small trickle of light through the room, streaming through the crack of the bedroom door, and it’s then you realise Luke must not have made it to bed yet. Petunia isn’t curled up in her bed at the far side of the room either, and you know she’s doing so in the studio down the hall.

It’s been several months since quarantine and lockdown began, and your lives have been turned upside down — forced to stay at home, tours cancelled and many, many virtual interviews taking over his life. At first Luke wrote over Zoom calls, and took his ideas into the studio when things opened up a little, but there was a constant nagging in the back of his mind that he needed something more. His mind was swirling with ideas that didn’t quite fit into what the band were doing. He’d had too much time at home, too much time to think, and he needed somewhere to put it so he could process it for himself. He’s too creative, he thinks too much — he needs an outlet.

Slipping out of bed, you grab one of Luke’s discarded hoodies, managing to put it on as you walk through the room still half asleep. It’s sometime in the early hours, but when Luke gets fixated on an idea, time is irrelevant. The light from the hall hurts your eyes, such a stark contrast from the dark bedroom. Your footsteps are quiet as you pad down the hall, not wanting to disturb him, but missing the familiar warmth of him sleeping next to you.

Standing in the doorway, he doesn’t acknowledge your presence — too focused on the keys in front of him, engrossed in what he’s playing. You faintly recognise the tune but now it has lyrics, he’s singing — and then you realise that why he’s not yet in bed. He’s hunched over the piano, his phone open next to him, assuming he’s recording little parts to play back later. There’s a lamp switched on in the corner, softening the room with a warm glow.

“I feel the walls are closing, I’m running out of time…” Luke’s tone is soft, almost like he’s mumbling, out of fear of waking you, or he’s just singing to himself. “I think I missed the gun at the starting line..”

You can just make out the words, and realise it’s purely his emotions - I feel, I think… and a part of you is relieved that he’s getting it down on paper, releasing his worries in the way he knows best. He gets too caught up in trying to understand himself sometimes, yet he avoids it too.

“Hey, rockstar,” You try to get his attention. When Luke lifts his head from the keyboard, there’s a concerned look on his face that he woke you up. There’s a smile too though, an amused one that always appears whenever you use that nickname. He gestures for you to come over, scooting along the bench of the piano so you could join him. You do — sitting as close as you could, resting your cheek on his shoulder as he wraps an arm around your back to keep you there. You wearing his clothes never gets old to him - it’s a reminder that whatever he has is also yours, that he wants to share everything with you; including whatever is on his mind. He hears you yawn and pulls you in closer, suddenly craving the feeling you came in search of, of being next to you.

“Sorry if I woke you,” Luke murmurs, his lips brushing your forehead in a silent hello. You shake your head, a free hand landing on his thigh in a reassuring gesture to say that it’s okay. “I didn’t realise what time it was.”

“You didn’t,” You reply, voice hoarse from the few hours of sleep that you did get. “I always wake up when you’re not next to me. You okay? That song sounds kinda sad.”

He laughs a little, looking at his phone to make sure he’s stopped the voice recording. “It’s not meant to be sad, more... reflective. It’s only acoustic so far, but I think I’ve got the lyrics down.”

He softly plays a few keys as you sit there, the gentle sound in combination with Luke humming under his breath next to you already sending you back to sleep. “You gonna send it to Ash to help out with the drums? Or are you leaving it acoustic?”

Luke hums thoughtfully, almost like he’s reluctant to tell you the answer — whether he’s sure he wants to say it out loud, because that makes it real. “I actually wasn’t going to involve them in this one.”

And there it is.

You had wondered if he’d ever go down this road himself, remembering how he had been inspired by Ashton’s solo works. Luke has been tied to the band since his early teens, he’s grown up in the band and barely had time to breathe until the last few months at home. You know he’s happy with the songs he’s written with the guys so far, but had the feeling he was wanting something a little more.

“How come?” You prompt, and even though you have an idea, you want to hear it from him.

“I just feel like I need to make sense of a lot of things,” He explains, almost as if he’s convincing himself too. “Having all this time at home has made me think about myself and who I am compared with who I used to be, and I need somewhere to work it out. I figured music is the best way to do that.”

He expects a bigger reaction from you, like it’s something so out of the norm that you’d question if he’s doing the right thing — but you don’t. You nod, and take one of his hands in yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze, to ease the nerves you sense he has.

“Well, you said it’s reflective, and what better time to reflect than when the world is at a standstill? I know you can create something amazing.” You assure him, the words whispered against his shoulder, and it’s all the convincing he needs. “Trust yourself, Luke. You’re way more talented than what you give yourself credit for.”

He’s quiet for a moment, his cheek resting on your head, just basking in the silence for a little while. As soon as he started to write this song there had been a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, that he wanted to keep it just for himself — he wanted to pour some of his anxieties into a song in the hopes of learning more about himself.

“You don’t think the guys will be offended, that I want to work on something for myself?” He asks you tentatively, and you know he already knows the answer to that.

You shake your head. “God, no, Luke. You were all very supportive of Ashton when he did Superbloom, why would it be any different for you? You know they’ll have your back no matter what. You’re best friends before anything else. You should talk to them about it, it’ll ease your mind.”

He hums in acknowledgement, a comforted smile on his lips at your words.

“Do you want to hear some more?” He asks, and you don’t even need to give him an answer. You murmur a reassurance of “of course” and he picks up again, feeling more certain of his craft now that he knows he has your support. He never doubted that you wouldn’t support him in whatever he wanted to do, but he thinks too much — he struggles to make sense of his thoughts, and it prompts him even more to want to create art from it.

You can already see how much it means to him, how he’s poured his heart into the lyrics he’s managed to put together. Throughout your relationship, you’ve gotten better at observing his feelings, and you know this is important to him. There’s pages full of scribbled lyrics in front of him, his hair is messy from running his fingers through it every time had gotten frustrated, and it’s clear he was determined to get something out of this song.

“Tell me, am I broken? I can never leave, biting on my tongue and checking if it bleeds,” He sings, the words clearer now he’s not in fear of waking you and of the words itself. “Is it lost on me? All the things I believe.”

It’s like he’s questioning himself with the lyrics as he sings, and as your eyes glance over the sheet in front of you, you notice a whole page of different thoughts and questions about everything — himself, his life and the band. All things that play on his mind constantly that he usually doesn’t have the time (or he occupies himself to avoid) to think about, all coming to the surface now the world is on pause.

“Take me alive, don’t look away until it’s gone, til it’s gone..”

Luke plays a few keys at the end before he turns to you, your face hidden against his shoulder. His fingertips brush your cheek before he lifts your face to look at him, and he’s not sure whether to smile or not when he’s met with unshed tears lining your eyes.

“Baby,” He murmurs, leaning in to nudge his nose against yours, his thumb softly brushing the first tear away as he slides down your cheek. “What’s with the tears?”

“That song is really beautiful,” You reply, sniffling to try and contain your emotions a little. He brushes his lips against yours in a sweet kiss, a sign of both his love and gratitude — and if just the first song has that affect on you, he knows he needs to pursue what’s in his heart. “It’s so pure, and so you. And I can’t wait to see what else you come up with.”

He feels like crying at your words and doesn’t know how to thank you enough for how supported you make him feel, no matter what he’s doing. “I love you, honey. Thanks for being on this journey with me.”

“Where else would I be?”

And when he finally makes it to bed, with you in his arms and a full heart, he’s content — he knows what he needs to pursue, and with you by his side, he knows he can do anything.

Don’t look away until it’s gone.

***

So there we are! I’d love to hear any feedback, I feel like I’m out of practice at writing lmao 🥺 Also I’m starting a new taglist, so if you’d like to be added to my new one, please fill out this Google form!

Masterlist

Taglist: @irwinkitten @wildflowergrae @luckyduckydoo @letstaketheups-and-downs @jazzyangel242 @cashworthy @babylon-corgis @norawashere @monsteramongmikey @late-nightdevil @maluminspace @fluffsshawn @xhaileyreneex @flowerthug @calpops @youngblood199456 @wokeupinjapanisabop @banditocth @cashtonasfuck @5-secondsofcolor @g-l-pierce @monsteramongmgc @calmlftv @mantlereid @treatallwithkindness @another-lonely-heart @calumrose @inlovehoodx @mermaidcashton @everydayimfangirling @b-easybreezy @ilumxna @malumsmermaid @opheliaaurora23 @talkfastromance4 @zhangyixingxing1 @everyscarisahealingplace @mateisit-balsamic @saphseoul @suchalonelysunflower @findingliam-o @castaway-cashton @megz1985 @notinthesameguey @calumscalm @karajaynetoday @metalandboybands @littledrummeraussie @vxlentinecal @itjustkindahappenedreally @queenalienscherrypie @xxxstormyninixxx @chicken-ona-stick @hoodhoran @harrys-shrooms @midnightash

[in-superbloom]

did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

[littledrummeraussie]

we’d fall from grace.

Ashton Irwin x assistant stylist!reader

part 2 of if these walls could talk | read part 1

story masterlist | general masterlist

word count: 3710

This was probably my most requested “we need a part 2!” story, and you know what - here we go! Hope I’m not gonna disappoint anyone! ❤️

warnings: flirting & teasing. mentiones of previous sexual encounter. sex with protection. tour bus & bunk bed sex. almost getting caught. female receiving oral. and a big load of angst to finish it up.

- - - - -

You could still feel Ashton’s touch on your arm where he grabbed you after their show was over, see the excitement in those hazel eyes as he tried to pull you with himself, ready to go back and finally come up with his post-show ritual. But time wasn’t on your side. Before he could take another step you needed to pull back, telling him that everyone was running late and he needed to be up on their bus in the next 10 minutes. Ashton rolled his eyes, grumbling something colourful under his breath as he changed directions to grab his stuff.

“Don’t forget your boxers,” you made one last fleeting comment, referring back to your little shared moment in the back room; Ashton was almost out of the door to go back to the dressing room and you needed to remind him that he left his underwear right next to his bath tub.

“But they are wet,” you could still hear the pout in his voice as he caught them when you threw them at him. Now he only flashed you a grin, clearly remembering your answer.

“So am I.”

“You could bring them for me next time,” he winked at you, flirt lacing his voice. “Just like you did with my towel.”

“In your dreams, Irwin,” you returned his teasing, only the two of you knowing the double meaning of your words.

An hour or two has gone by since then, and you were left with your thoughts and the memory of Ashton’s body pressed against your side as you’ve made him come – the sounds of his pleasure still ringing in your ears. The bus was mostly quiet as it made its way to your next stop, and you snuggled up in your bunk with your sketchbook, wanting to work on some ideas you’ve been playing around with, but mostly just wanting to forget about Ashton. You could feel your cheeks heat up as you recalled his words, the touch of his skin, how his hair felt between your fingers, how his lips were soft but his kisses hard. In the end you needed to realize that none of your actual ideas made it on paper, but instead you came up with a whole line of outfits for the man himself, and you sighed, tucking the book back under your pillow.

One can’t just forget about Ashton Irwin.

*

Your phone buzzed next to your elbow and you slowly picked it up, not knowing who would bother with sending you a text at this time. But the name that flashed across the screen made you bite your lip, and you knew you couldn’t resist answering him. The little annoyed face emoji you’ve put next to Ashton’s name made you giggle, the feeling quickly turning into something else after your adventure with him.

Ashton: Hey, are you still up?

Y/N: …maybe.

Ashton: …did I wake you?

Y/N: Can’t really sleep until we don’t stop for something.

Y/N: Not a big fan of sleeping on buses.

Ashton: You get used to it after some time.

Y/N: I prefer my own bed, but thank you for your input.

Ashton: What about my bed? 😉

You needed to put the phone face down next to you, cheeks turning hot at the offer. He was on the other bus with the guys, maybe chilling with them in the front or doing something stupid that band members usually do at this time, yet even like this he was able to turn you into a hot mess. The thought of crawling into his bed and touching him again made you bury your face in your pillow. There was nothing innocent about his offer – and there was nothing innocent about your thoughts either. Not since you’ve walked in on him naked and gave him a handjob. Not since he’d told you that he got off on fantasies of you every night.

Another quick buzzing sound broke the silence of your bunk, then another. Maybe you’ve been quiet for too long and Ashton thought he went too far.

Ashton: I can’t sleep either.

Ashton: Can’t stop thinking about you or what we did.

Ashton: Wish we had time to do more.

Y/N: You still have your dreams, Irwin. Solve that problem. 🙃

Ashton: I’ve thought you were the problem solver. 😘

Y/N: I can’t really do anything about it from here. You’re kinda on the other bus.

Y/N: …and I’m still wearing clothes.

Ashton: Not in my head. 😉

A picture popped up under the texts, Ashton snuggled up in his bunk with tousled hair and pursed lips, a smile clearly playing at the corner of his mouth, earbuds tucked in his ears.

Ashton: I could call you and talk your ears off until you fall asleep?

Y/N: But where’s the fun in that? 😊

Y/N: Tell me about the song you’re listening to.

Y/N: Wanna know what’s playing while you fantasize about me.

Y/N: …hope it’s not Calum singing…

Ashton: Don’t ruin the mood!

Ashton: Fuck. Wish you were here so I could shut your smart mouth with my own.

Y/N: That’s a very poetic way of telling me you want to kiss me again…

Ashton: Not just kiss you.

Ashton: Want you in every way. Every kiss, every sound, every touch. Everything.

Ashton: You’re all I can think about.

Y/N: This might end up being the longest night of all…

Y/N: You’re close… but still not close enough…

That was the point when Ashton started sending you songs sharing whatever he was listening to, and if you closed your eyes it almost felt like you could curl up against him, sharing his earbuds as you both got lost in the music, ready to fall asleep. It was so easy to pretend, so easy to imagine him there with you. If only the two of you were on the same bus.

*

There was a light knock on the side of your bunk, and you pulled back the curtains, coming face to face with Kat. You could hear commotion from the front, people talking over each other as they got off the bus and you realized that you’ve stopped moving.

“Guys called over from the other bus that they are stopping at a 24/7, and we did too. Just wanted to ask if you need something? Maybe some of those snacks you like so much?”

“That would be great, thanks Kat.”

“Try and get some rest, okay? I know you can’t fall asleep on a moving bus,” she nodded, fingers tugging on the curtain. “This is your chance to catch some Z’s. I think we’ll be here for 30 minutes or so, should give you plenty of time.”

“Alright mama, I get it,” you laughed, burrowing against your pillow. “Night, Kat!”

“Night, Y/N! See you in the morning.”

You were ready to turn back around and finally get the sleep you’ve been craving since settling in your bunk, but then you felt it again. Your phone started buzzing next to you, and it took you a second to realize that these were not text messages, but an actual call. Ashton’s name was flashing across the screen, and you quickly picked it up, not wanting to miss your chance at hearing his voice.

“Where are you?” his voice was a whisper, his tone almost impatient. “Everyone went to the store and I didn’t see you leave the bus!”

“I’m still up? Trying to get some sleep,” you furrowed your eyebrows, clearly not following what he wanted.

“Fucking hell, Y/N,” he groaned, a small laugh following. “Get your cute ass over here before anyone comes back! Hurry!”

With that the call got disconnected, and in a second you scrambled out of your bed, pulling the curtains back so it looked like you were sleeping. When you were sure no one was around you quickly jumped off the bus, eyes searching for the other one. Then it caught your attention, a person waving at you frantically, and you sprinted over to the bus parked just a little bit away from yours. Ashton curled his arms around your waist, dragging you up the stairs and into the small living area, his lips already on yours as he pushed you against a wall.

“Damn, you look sexy in our crew hoodie,” he grinned when he finally pulled back, fingers curling into the hem of the fabric.

“It’s really comfy to sleep in,” you stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging him back for another kiss.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been doing it too,” Ashton sucked on your bottom lip, knocking his forehead against yours. “But now I just really want to take it off you.”

He grabbed your hand, quickly leading you to the back of the bus and before you knew it Ashton already pushed you down on the couch, legs on both sides of your waist as he wrestled off his hoodie and shirt, tossing them on the floor. With elbows resting next to your head he leaned forward, lips crashing together again, his fingers diving into your hair to angle your head towards the kiss. You squeezed his shoulders and biceps, wanting to pull him even closer and melt against his body, get rid of your clothes and just feel him. The memory wasn’t enough anymore – not when he was right above you, sweatpants riding so low on his hips that you could have easily slipped them off of him.

Ashton’s fingers curled into your hoodie again, working it upwards until he needed to pull away to get it off you. He groaned loudly when he saw you wearing only a top, your hard nipples straining against the thin fabric. He nuzzled his face against your skin, nose lightly skimming the open neckline of the top before he closed his lips around one of your nipples, sucking it into his mouth through your shirt. A moan finally broke out of you, gripping his curls between your fingers as he teased you with his tongue and teeth, his other hand slipping under your shirt to tweak your other nipple.

“That’s exactly how I’ve imagined you,” he pressed open mouthed kisses against your throat, sucking a quick mark into your skin where the hoodie would cover it. “So responsive and sounding like a fucking dream.”

“What’s your favourite fantasy?” your nails scratched the top of his shoulders, leaving faint red marks on his skin. “Other than getting me naked?”

An almost wolfish grin pulled at his lips as he pulled off your shoes and dropped them next to the couch, your legging quickly following. His palms cupped your ass cheeks and squeezed them before pushing his shoulders under your knees, and your legs spread involuntarily as he kissed the soft skin of your thighs, dangerously close to your pussy.

“Eating you out,” his eyes bore into yours as he pressed his lips against the wet spot on your panties, quickly licking over it. “Fuck, you taste amazing!”

“Ash, fuck–” your hips lifted to get closer to his mouth, and he chuckled, tugging your soaked panties to the side.

“Soon, baby,” and with that he wrapped his lips around your clit, lapping at it quickly.

You needed to put both hands on your mouth to keep your sounds at bay, not wanting anyone finding out about the two of you – what Ashton was doing between your legs was only for you to know. He groaned against your skin, tongue licking between your folds as his eyes searched you, and you were ready to combust just from this. Fingertips teased against your hole as Ashton kissed your stomach, sucking on the skin to give you another hickey, his knuckles slowly slipping inside. He rutted his hips against the couch as he licked at your pussy lips, fingers already searching for that one spot that would make you go crazy.

Laughter and shouts flew across the parking lot and you whined, trying to push Ashton away from you, making him groan. He swiped his fingers through his hair, brushing it away from his forehead as he kneeled up, listening to the sounds getting closer.

“I can’t be seen here,” you reached for your clothes, ready to tug them back up and somehow make it off the bus in record time.

“I’m not letting you go,” he caught you around the waist, motioning you towards his bunk. “Quick!”

His arms were already full with all your discarded clothes, throwing them at the end of his bed as he scrambled after you, pulling the curtains closed behind himself. He was pressed against your back as both of you listened to the sounds, your heart pounding in your chest from possibly getting caught. A minute passed, maybe two, but when no one came up on the bus Ashton let out a sigh, stifling it against your neck, the sensation making you shiver from head to toe.

“I can’t wait anymore,” his lips skimmed against the back of your neck, whispering his words on your skin. “Gonna lose my sanity if I can’t have you.”

“We need to be quick,” biting your lips you moved your hand back, reaching for his hard dick that’s been pressing against your ass for minutes now, squeezing it through his sweats.

“Then we better get to it,” he reached under his pillow for a condom, pushing his pants down to free himself.

He pulled your hips back to his, tugging on your panties until you kicked them off, then let your body melt against his, burrowing close to each other in the small space of his bunk. Ashton pushed his cock between your thighs, stroking it between your folds until he got coated in your wetness, then wrapped his arms around you, keeping you still as he started pushing inside. His face was in your hair, his small sounds making you dizzy as you took him inch by inch, the stretch already building the pleasure in the pit of your stomach.

“God, you really are soaking wet,” he nipped the shell of your ear, pulling out just to push back in deeper. “Taking me so fuckin’ good.”

“Don’t hold back,” you breathed, reaching for his hand to squeeze his fingers. “I can take it. I want it. I want you.”

“Definitely better than my fantasies,” he pressed a kiss against your jaw, pulling you back on his cock as he moved his hips, quickly fucking into you.

The air was hot around you, your skin already slightly sweaty and sticking against Ashton’s as he held you close, hands finding their place on your chest and squeezing your breasts as he pounded into you. He shifted on the bed and pulled you with himself, changing the angle of his thrust and drawing out another set of needy sounds from you.

“Yeah, that’s it baby, you sound so hot,” he pulled your face to his, lips gliding messily against the other’s, his thrusts getting quicker. “Fuck, you’re gonna make me come again?”

“Gotta solve this problem too, yeah,” you let out a giggle, kissing his chin as you moaned against his skin. “Fuck me, Ash, harder!”

Ashton growled, ready to pound you into oblivion when someone started climbing up the stairs at the front, and he stilled, palm pressing against your mouth to keep you quiet. His breathing was heavy in your ear, trying to be silent and keep his composure, hoping that whoever came back won’t bother him now.

“Ash, mate,” Calum’s voice was drawing closer, and you were sure this was the end of it all. “You’re up? Forgot my wallet.”

You could almost feel Ashton rolling his eyes, his face buried in your neck as he waited for Calum to go back to the store.

“I know you’re not sleeping. Do you need me to pick up anything for you?” Calum was still chatting away, and you felt that Ash had enough as he pulled one arm back from around you, just to stick his hand out between the flaps of the curtain, and probably throwing his middle finger up at Calum. “Alright, alright I hear ya, you grumpy fucker!”

He kicked the side of the bunk as he left, and in a few seconds he was gone, making Ashton groan loudly.

“I’m not gonna let him kill the mood,” he grabbed your face to pull you in for another kiss, his hips quickly working back to their previous pace. “Gonna make you cum so hard you’ll see stars.”

“You better do that cause I’m already so close,” you sucked on his bottom lip, pulling his hand between your legs. “Yeah, just like that.”

Ashton circled his thumb around your clit, rubbing it quick and hard as his hips snapped against you, the tip of his cock dragging against your g-spot, and you felt your thighs shake, your pussy clenching around him as you finally reached your peak. He kissed your moans away, pumping into you quickly as he chased his own orgasm, and soon you felt his body tense, pulling you close as he came with a groan, his cock twitching inside you as he filled the condom with his cum.

“Fuckin’ beautiful,” he smeared kisses on your lips and cheeks, hair all over the place and tickling your face as he burrowed close to you. “So fucking incredible.”

“I don’t think I can move,” you let out a giggle, pressing sweet kisses against his lips. “Guess I did see the stars.”

“Come ‘ere,” he shifted to give you more space, pulling you close and tucking your head under his chin. “Just wanna hold you close.”

“I can’t stay, you know,” your fingers lightly ran up and down on his side, kissing his collarbone. “But I really can’t feel my legs.”

“It was that good, huh?” he grinned, squeezing your hips as he reached for the blanket.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” you closed your eyes, pressing even closer to him. “Wake me in 5 minutes, okay?”

“I will, I promise.”

*

Something wasn’t right – you felt like you’ve forgotten something, and you knew it’s gonna get you into trouble. But you couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was that. And you had a slight feeling that you shouldn’t care. Not when you were tucked against Ashton’s chest, his body warm against yours, hot breath tickling your skin as his lips pressed against your temple, his eyes beautiful in the morning light filtering through the curtains.

Morning. Ashton. Ashton, who was still very much naked. You were in his bunk. In his bunk only wearing a top. You had sex last night. In his bunk. On their bus. You were still on their bus and you slept through the night. You didn’t go back to your bed. Or your own bus. You had sex with Ashton and you were still here, even though…

“You didn’t wake me up!” you hissed, already pulling away from Ashton. “Fuck, you’ve told me you’re gonna wake me up!”

“You fell asleep and I didn’t have the heart,” he propped himself up on his elbow, reaching for your hand. “Hey, it’s fine!”

“It’s not fine,” you were frantically moving around in the small space, looking through the bedding to find your own clothes. “I should have been back in my bunk by the time they got back! Kat will be looking for me, and…”

“She knows you’re here,” Ashton added and you felt your ears start ringing, your head going dizzy. “I’ve sent her a text that you’re with me and that you fell asleep.”

“Fuck, Ashton, I only asked one thing from you!” you tugged on your hoodie, still looking around. “Shoes. Where are my shoes?”

“Are you looking for these…?”

The curtain was drawn back and you saw Calum holding up your sneakers, a sympathetic look on his face. You felt heat crawl up your neck as you took them away from him, pulling those on as well.

“Y/N, wait,” Ashton was reaching for his own clothes as you slipped out of his bunk. “Fuck, no, wait!”

You didn’t spare him another second, already feeling shame take over you as you passed Calum then Michael and Luke in the front of the bus. They acted like they didn’t see you, like they didn’t know why you were sleeping in Ashton’s bunk, but you knew it was clear as day. The bus was already parked at the venue, you’ve probably arrived just a few minutes ago, and as you stepped off the bus you could already see the rest of the crew packing. You pulled on the neck of your hoodie, hoping it hid the hickeys Ashton has left on your skin.

“Y/N–” Ashton suddenly jumped down from the bus, only wearing his sweatpants, another hoodie in his hand. “Y/N, wait–”

It felt like cold water was dumped on you as you realized that the one you were wearing was Ashton’s hoodie, the sweater so big on you that it definitely showed all the marks on your neck and the one in his hands… well, yours.

“Thanks for nothing,” you whispered, quickly tugging the fabric out of his hand.

“No, Y/N, I– I didn’t mean it,” Ashton fumbled around with his words, and you rolled your eyes, hoping the tears won’t come.

“Of course you didn’t. Just as you didn’t want to see me taking my walk of shame back to my own bus,” you crossed your arms over your chest, starting to finally go back.

“Hey, come here,” you felt someone step next to you and wrap their arm around your waist, and you felt a sob escape you as you realized it was Kat. “Don’t you have better things to do?! Everyone go back to work!”

You felt people staring at you for another moment before they scrambled back to their work. There was a loud thump coming from behind you and you were sure Ashton was kicking something, probably the tire of the bus, cursing loudly. Before you made it up to your bus with Kat you’ve heard one last comment – this time from Calum, addressed to Ashton.

“You know… fucking her and screwing with her are two very, very different things.”

- - - - -

taglist.

@mymindwide @loveroflrh @sadistmichael @notinthesameguey @babylonashton @talkfastromance4 @dead-and-golden @fuckyeah5sostakemehome @karajaynetoday  @myfavfanficsever @myloverboyash @suchalonelysunflower @sexgodashton @rebelwith0utacause @creampiecashton @irwinkitten @allthestarsandthemoon @castaway-cashton @spicycal @wontlastimokwiththat @luckyduckydoo @sunshineeashton @2fangirl4u @talkfastdrummer @pastelbabygirl19 @istantommoandtpwk @perfectlieirwin @thesweetness-irwin-archive @c-a-l-m-hood @youngblood199456 @tiannaxox2 @caffeinecalum @fanficsandotherthings @melanindarling @bubblegum18

[ashtcnirwin]

It’s no secret that @daydadahlias‘ Scene 14 is my favourite 5sos fic. There are many reasons for that, and one of said reasons is that it’s absolutely hilarious, so here are my top 10 funny moments from Scene 14. It was SO hard to pick only ten, there are many more moments that could’ve been on the list, but... trying to keep it a little conscise at least. (Most of them are NSFW ‘cause the fic is the way it is.) (Also, three of them are from chapter 9, so that’s interesting.)

(I know Luke and Ashton are 20 and 22 in the story, but for some reason, I picture the 2017 versions of them when I read it, not the 2016 versions of them, hence the pics I chose for the moodboard.) 

10. Chapter 2. Calum’s entire introduction scene is hilarious to me, but what really makes me lose it is this little exchange between Luke and Ashton after Calum leaves.

“Yeah, I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s a charming slut, but a slut nonetheless.” Ashton makes himself laugh as he goes through his DVDs. “He spent the first few months of our friendship trying to convince me to fuck him.”

Luke walks closer to the coffee table, still fiddling with his sleeve. “And?”

“And I fucked him.”

9. Chapter 9. The whole gang is at a bar, and Ashton (jokingly) tells Calum to give a lap dance.

“God, if only we were though,” Ashton jokes to Sierra. He points to the end of the table. “Go on, Cal, use your secret attack ‘Lap Dance.’”

Calum instantly starts to stand from his chair and the entire table clambers over themselves to tell him to sit down first. It’s KayKay who physically grabs him by the shoulder to manhandle him back into his seat as he protests, “He said ‘go.’ I follow orders.”

8. Chapter 5. Luke and Ashton are making out on the couch in Ashton and Calum’s dorm, planning on having Calum walk in on them, which he does. This is a really short excerpt, but the deadpan way that I imagine Calum delivers his five syllable line in is just too fucking funny.

Calum collects the information with a nod, eyeing Luke up and down. He says, pointing his beer at him, “You’ve got a boner.”

7. Chapter 8. The day after Luke straight up asks Ashton to fuck him (and Ashton says no), Luke’s having a shower. His thoughts start to wander and his body reacts accordingly. The visual of Luke fully just standing there, whisper-yelling at his dick for chubbing up, is absolutely hilarious to me.

Fuck, he’s getting hard just thinking about it.

“Stop it,” he hisses to his dick. “Please, fucking stop.”

It’s as he is berating his dick for doing its naturally given job that he hears the bathroom door swing open and he lets out a sound of pain, pressing his fingers into his eye sockets.

6. Chapter 1. Luke is in his first Scene Study and Technique class, and the teacher says that partner chemistry is something they’ll focus a lot on over the next few months, and Luke kinda just:

Awesome. Luke is good with people. Okay… He’s good with Michael, at least, that’s something.

Fuck. He needs to learn how to be good with people.

He starts jotting notes. Learn how to be good with people.

5. Chapter 9. Luke and Michael are out grocery shopping, and Michael decides to start picking up vegetables to ask Luke which one resembles Ashton’s dick the most. Luke is entirely unamused, until he sorta isn’t.

Luke almost tells him off again, only to pause at the sight of it and he tilts his head to the side because, huh, it’s not actually that off. Granted, it is a vegetable and Ashton’s dick isn’t fucking green but as far as sizes go, it’s not—

“Are you serious?” Michael announces loudly, eyebrows shooting to his hairline. He snaps his eyes down to the zucchini, holding it in both his hands more seriously now as if measuring it with his palms. Astonishment is rolling off of him in waves. “There’s no fucking way. You actually let him shove this up your a—”

“Stop comparing my boyfriend’s dick to vegetables,” Luke snaps shrilly, snatching the zucchini out of his hands and shoving it back into its designated pile.

“Gay men are so brave,” Michael says dramatically and Luke slaps him on the arm.

4. Chapter 7. Calum in general delights me to no end, and so does his and Roy’s “relationship”. The first time I read this particular exchange, I stg I choked on my own spit.

“You’d be a great stripper, beau coq. You’ve got the ass for it,” Roy agrees, tweaking the skin of Calum’s hip again.

Luke frowns at the word, repeating, “‘Beau coq’? What’s that mean?”

“It’s French for ‘good cock,’” Ashton returns easily as if it should be common knowledge.

3. Chapter 4. Luke comes back to his and Michael’s dorm after Ashton’s given him a hickey (for show). The hickey is, apparently, borderline terrifying, teeth marks and all, and once Michael, Sierra and Crystal see it, a fuckton of questions are thrown at Luke, until Michael decides he’s had it.

“No!” Michael has his hands plastered over his ears, rapidly shaking his head and letting out a long screeching sound. “I’ve heard too much about Luke’s sex life tonight. I’ve already pictured him getting rawed by some stupid theatre bitch reciting Shakespeare while pounding him, saying shit like ‘ah your ass is as tight as tulip buds in the winter;’ I don’t need—”

2. Chapter 9. They’re having sex, Luke is riding Ashton, and Ashton is trying to have an ultimately unimportant conversation, and Luke takes a bit of offense at having his dick riding efforts ignored (understandably enough).

“Why are you trying to have a normal conversation right now?” Luke pants in disbelief, sweat perspiring on his hairline as he slows his hips to make circular motions against Ashton’s pelvis. “Do you not see that I’m trying to do something here?”

1. Chapter 3. They’re discussing their imaginary sex life to ensure they’re prepared for it if/when their friends start asking questions. Luke finds the whole idea of inventing a sex life for himself kinda depressing while Ashton sees it differently.

Ashton gets a huffing laugh out of that. “Take it this way, you can make yourself as good in bed as you want. And, if you want me to, I’ll tell the whole campus it’s eight inches.”

“Yeah, because people will believe that.” Luke looks up at him through his hand, smiling at the joke. “What’re you?”

“Huh?” Ashton blinks. “How long is—?”

[clumsyclifford]

lashton prompt: luke falling asleep on skype and ashton taking the opportunity to draw him, bonus if someone else finds the sketches before ashton shows them to luke

meghna this prompt is from almost a full calendar year ago. i am proud to report that after all this time i did in fact manage to set it in spideyverse because that’s how determined i am. more info in ao3 notes but it takes place in the summer before their senior year of high school, so after the events of everything else in spideyverse so far

read here on ao3

-

Ashton will have to thank Maya later for the tip about the Fine Arts Room. He jimmies the door handle and, as promised, the door swings opens to reveal a darkened room full of half-finished projects. They must really take the decency of humanity on faith here. Anyone could come in at any time and sabotage any of this work.

Ashton has less nefarious plans.

He sits at his usual spot but doesn’t turn any lights on; the big windows shine just enough moonlight into the room that Ashton can see the silhouettes of the furniture, and his laptop will be on in a moment anyway. Careful of the scattered pages over his workspace, he opens his computer and loads up Skype. 

Just in time for an incoming call.

Ashton fumbles with his headphones and plugs them in with one hand while he accepts the call with the other. The screen fills with Luke’s brightly-lit, highly pixelated face. Chin in his hands, elbows propped on his desk, hair a ruffled mess (from the mask, Ashton knows) — the sight of him fills Ashton with warmth.

“Hey,” Luke says, smiling his usual cheeky smile. They’ve been texting sporadically, but seeing Luke’s face — hearing his voice — gives Ashton a fluttery feeling behind his sternum. Calum would call that anatomically impossible, but he’d do it with a smirk. “I can barely see you.”

“I’m sitting in the dark,” Ashton explains. His voice is a hushed whisper even though he knows it’s absurd to be paranoid. They’re supposed to be confined to their bunks by now, and the staff and counselors will all be asleep. The only reason he and Luke are calling now, past midnight, is because now is the only time they’re both available. “I’m in the Fine Arts Room.”

“Ooh, can I see?”

“I don’t want to turn on the lights,” Ashton says. “There are windows and stuff.”

“Are you not supposed to be there?” Luke raises an eyebrow and grins. “Ooh, is Ashton Irwin sneaking around?”

“Well, if we weren’t calling at the middle of the night, I wouldn’t have to.”

“Don’t they lock the buildings?” Luke suddenly looks concerned.

Ashton shrugs. “Maya told me that if I jiggle the handle, the door will open. She was right.”

“Go Maya,” Luke says. “I like Maya. Who’s Maya?”

“My new friend,” says Ashton. “She mostly paints. We’ve got a challenge going on about whether she’s better at drawing or I’m better at painting, since neither of us really use those mediums. Hannah — one of the other campers — is going to find something for us to both paint slash draw and then there’ll be an unofficial panel of judges. It’s pretty stupid.”

“You’re smiling a lot,” Luke says, and Ashton realizes he is. “Doesn’t sound stupid to me. You think you’re gonna win?”

“No,” Ashton says honestly. “I’m pretty awful at painting.”

“I’m sure you’re better than you think. How hard can it be?”

“That’s very rich coming from you, Mr. I-Can’t-Draw-A-House.”

“Hey, fuck off! I can draw a house, thank you very much.” Luke looks down at his desk and his focus shifts, and Ashton watches in bemused patience. As he waits, he draws a blank piece of paper towards him and grabs the nearest pencil lying around. His hands move almost unconsciously, drawing lines and curves and sketching the outline of something Ashton hasn’t quite decided on yet. Luke finally lifts his head up. “Here, see?” He holds up a piece of paper to the camera, where he’s drawn a box with an isosceles triangle on top for the roof, complete with a little chimney sticking out. “House,” Luke proudly declares. “Boom. Get fucked, Irwin.”

“I stand corrected,” Ashton chuckles. He hums. “They’ll probably just find us equally talented because painting is different from drawing and blah blah blah artsy hipster bullshit.”

“Stop dismissing the artsy hipster bullshit,” Luke says stubbornly. “I’ll have you know my boyfriend deals exclusively in artsy hipster bullshit.”

“You think my drawings are artsy hipster bullshit?”

“No, babe, I think you are artsy hipster bullshit.” Luke grins widely and then gets cut off by a yawn. Ashton bites back a very cheesy comment about how Luke should web himself up for being criminally cute.

“You know what, I’m gonna let you have that one,” he says instead. “Since I am at an artsy hipster bullshit summer camp.”

“I miss you.” Luke pouts. It’s a funny look on him. Ashton tries to imagine Spiderman pouting and completely fails. Sometimes it’s hard for him to reconcile Luke and Spiderman being the same person. That this adorable six-foot-and-change beanstalk who yawns on Skype is the same person who can do a double-backflip and land on his feet on the rooftop of any building. Ashton’s boyfriend stops crimes. What the fuck.

“I miss you too,” he says. “You seem tired.”

“I’m not tired.” Instant karma is a bitch. Luke immediately yawns again, this time much wider. “Okay, I’m a little tired,” he admits, smacking his lips like a child. “Summer break is deceptively boring. I…I run out of things to do all day, so I just kinda…keep patrolling. I might be wearing myself out.”

“Jesus, Luke, take it easy on yourself. Queens goes the entire school day without Spiderman’s protection during the school year. You can handle a break.”

“Yeah, but I might as well patrol,” Luke counters. “I have the time, and it’s not like I’m doing anything else.”

“I thought you and Michael were working on new specs for the suit.”

“It’s mostly Michael. Also, I think he’s kind of annoyed about the whole 24/7 patrol. He can’t work on the suit if I’m wearing it.”

“That is true.”

“But he’s been spending a lot of his time with Calum, anyway,” Luke says coolly. “So I figure he’s probably got other priorities.”

“Well, if you keep blowing him off to obsessively patrol the city, I can’t possibly imagine why he’s making other plans.” 

Luke stares through the camera. His shoulders slump. “Maybe. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Ashton chirps.

Luke sighs deeply. “You’re not here, Ash.”

Ashton purses his lips and frowns. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know, but I’m just saying. I miss you. I wish you were here.”

“Yeah,” Ashton says. He misses Luke too, more than is probably healthy. That’s what he gets, he supposes, for only having a handful of close relationships; Luke and Calum are his whole life, and not being able to hug either one of them for even a week has been pretty challenging. “But look, it’s only another week, and then I am all yours, I swear.”

“Don’t enable me,” Luke says, affronted. “You’re supposed to say things like… ‘You don’t own me’ and ‘I’m my own person’ and stuff like that.”

Ashton blinks, confused. “Uh…well, yeah, but we both already know that. I’m just saying I miss you too. But if it’s any consolation, Maya has ruthlessly mocked me for all the drawings I do of you. Like mercilessly. It’s actually kind of embarrassing.”

“That is super embarrassing,” Luke says, with a small, bashful smile. “You’re so fucking lame, Ashton.”

“Wow,” Ashton says. “You even sound like her.”

Luke giggles, which turns seamlessly into a yawn. “Hey, I came first. Maya sounds like me.”

“Luke, babe, just go to sleep,” Ashton says. “We can talk another night. Maybe one where you’re more well-rested.”

“I’m super rested,” Luke says in a monotone. “King of restedness, me.”

“Wow, I’m suddenly convinced.” Luke makes a half-hearted face at him and Ashton makes one back. The sketch under Ashton’s pencil has revealed itself to be Luke, yet again. Shocker. It really is embarrassing that Ashton defaults to drawing his boyfriend. If they ever break up, Ashton will be fucked.

“Are you drawing?” Trust Luke to notice. Although the fact that it’s taken him this long to notice means he must be slower on the uptake than usual. 

“Yeah,” Ashton says, because when is he not. 

“Drawing what?”

“Guess,” Ashton says dryly.

Luke gives a sleepy smile. “At least you’re predictable.”

“Luke, I’m begging you to get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow or this weekend or something, okay?”

Luke yawns yet again. “Okay,” he agrees, right hand propping up his head. His eyes flutter shut and then open again. “Okay, fine.”

“And please let Michael look at your suit,” Ashton adds. “You know he’s only going to make it better.”

“I know, I know, I just…” Luke’s eyes fall shut again. It seems more out of tiredness than distress. “If I give it to him, then I can’t use it.”

Ashton’s pretty sure if Luke’s hero complex gets any bigger he’s going to have to start renting out rooms. “It’ll be two days, tops,” he says. “Take two days off.”

“I wanna wait ‘til you’re back,” Luke mumbles. “Spend ‘em with you.”

“You spend most of your time with me,” Ashton says gently. “Spend them with Michael. Hell, spend them with Cal.”

“But I want…” Luke yawns. He lists sideways a little. “I want you.”

Ashton chews his lip. “I’ll be back before you know it,” he says. “You won’t be able to get rid of me.”

Luke hums absently. “‘Kay, g’night,” he slurs, but makes no gesture to hang up the call. He probably expects Ashton to end it. If Luke is as asleep as he looks right now, Ashton kind of has to.

The graphite on the sketch paper is smudging a little. Ashton glances down at the half-assed likeness of his boyfriend and has an idea.

Quietly, he grabs another blank page, moves his laptop back a little, and starts to draw.

-

They’re up bright and early the next day, and after breakfast Ashton follows a decidedly more lively Maya into the Fine Arts Room, where she takes her place diagonally from him at their table. They’re both mid-project; Ashton stacks and sets aside his scratch papers and pulls forth the drawing he’s currently working on.

“So? You talked to Luke?”

Ashton blinks and looks up at Maya. “Yeah,” he says. “Thanks for the tip, I meant to say.”

“Hey, don’t thank me, thank Cupid,” Maya says airily. “I’m on the side of love, baby.”

Ashton snorts and rolls his eyes. “Let Cupid know I say thanks.”

Maya hums. “Cupid says you’re welcome.”

They’re quiet while Maya gets herself set up — she has to put all her acrylics back every evening only to set them back out every morning, another reason Ashton prefers pencils over paints — and Ashton picks up his pencil and starts to draw. 

“Is this yours?” Maya asks, peering at Ashton’s discarded stack of sketches.

“Yeah,” Ashton says without looking. “Just sketches and stuff.”

“Wait, this is so cute.” She’s leaning over the drawing on the top. Ashton glances up.

It’s Luke from last night, soundly asleep over Skype.

Ashton had ended the call after about ten minutes of silence, enough time to get the rough outlines of all the important shapes. The video quality wouldn’t have lent itself to a good sketch anyway if Ashton had been chasing authenticity, but fortunately he knows Luke’s face well enough — both from drawing it and gazing at it in real life — to pretend the call had had a crystal-clear picture. None of it is colored in, but it’s as obviously Luke as all of Ashton’s other drawings. Somehow, though, this one feels more personal.

“Did you draw this last night?”

“Uh,” Ashton says, reaching for the drawing. He shuffles it between several other papers so an innocuous collection of doodles is now at the top of the stack, and Maya clicks her tongue in disapproval.

“Hey, I was looking at that. It was cute.”

“Yeah, it’s— it’s just nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, it’s adorable,” Maya says. She fixes him with puppy-dog eyes. “Pleeeease can I see it? I won’t show anyone. I’m studying so I can kick your ass in our competition.”

Ashton sighs. “It’s just Luke. You’ve seen millions of drawings of him.”

“But those were obviously from memory,” Maya points out, taking his non-answer as an affirmative and sifting through the stack. Ashton doesn’t bother trying to stop her. It’s not like he has anything to hide — or at least not anything Maya could figure out by looking at the drawing.

And in her defense, Luke does look cute as fuck in the drawing, because he’d looked cute as fuck in real life.

“For all you know, this one is also from memory.”

“You drew the screen, Ash, it’s clearly from last night.”

“Well,” Ashton says diplomatically. Then he abandons diplomacy, because Maya has located the drawing and is grinning and aww-ing. “Well do you blame me? He fell asleep on our call. It was adorable.”

Maya giggles. “You guys are so fucking cute,” she says. “Y’know, most people would be insulted if their boyfriend fell asleep on a video call with them.”

“He’s been really busy lately,” Ashton says. “And it was the end of the call anyway.”

“One day, I will have someone to draw me when I fall asleep on our Skype calls,” Maya says wistfully. “I’m putting the vibes out into the universe so it’ll happen soon.”

“Maybe you’ll be the one drawing them,” Ashton points out. 

Maya finally sets down the Luke drawing. She dips her brush in red paint, clearly intending to put it into her work, but at Ashton’s words instead brandishes it threateningly at him. “I won’t be drawing anyone, buddy.”

Ashton laughs. “But you’d date someone who drew instead of painted?”

“At this point?” Maya sighs theatrically. “I’d date just about anyone who did anything.”

Ashton laughs again. They work quietly for a few minutes. Ashton starts shading.

“Why do you only ever draw Luke?” Maya asks. “You said you’ve been together for less than a year. Who were you drawing before then?”

Ashton shrugs. “Uh, anyone, really,” he says. “People. There are a lot of pretty interesting people at my school, and besides, I’m from the city.”

Maya snorts derisively. “You’re from Queens.”

“Queens is in the city.”

Another derisive snort. “Queens is in the city the same way using ink stamps is painting.”

“That’s not even a little bit the same thing, at all.”

“You’re not a city boy.”

“I am literally a city boy!” Maya waves him off, but Ashton ignores her. She’s from Massachusetts. She has no leg to stand on. “My point is that there are lot of interesting people near where I live, too.”

“You didn’t ever, I don’t know, draw your friends? Calum, didn’t you say he’s your best friend from home?”

“Ah, yeah,” Ashton says. “Calum. Didn’t like when I drew him.”

“What, seriously? Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Ashton says, and it’s true. “He just asked me to stop drawing him one day so I did.” He hesitates. “...Mostly. Sometimes I still do. But if you knew Calum you’d understand why. He’s extremely good-looking.”

“Of course he is,” Maya says. “Any chance he’s single and/or interested in women from several states away?”

“No to both questions,” Ashton says sympathetically. “But good try.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Maya says good-naturedly, and they lapse into silence again.

It’s broken by Maya, again. “Do you show Luke the drawings you do of him?”

That’s a complicated question. No, Ashton doesn’t actively show his drawings to Luke, but Luke usually sees them anyway. Some of them are more private; Ashton keeps the one of Luke in the Spiderman suit sans mask folded up in the bottom of his socks drawer where he’s pretty certain no one ever looks. There doesn’t seem to be a point to showing it to Luke now, so long after he’d actually done it. But for the most part he’s not hiding his art from Luke; Luke sees what he sees, notwithstanding Ashton’s intention.

“Sometimes,” Ashton says.

Maya nods at the drawing of Luke asleep on Skype. “You gonna show him that one?”

“Uh, probably not.”

“What, why? It’s so cute.”

“I don’t know, maybe because it makes me seem like a ridiculous lovesick borderline creepy idiot?”

“Guys love that,” Maya assures him. “Or so I’m told. C’mon, why hold out on him when he already knows you’re basically obsessed with drawing him?” She taps the drawing. “And when he looks this adorable?”

Ashton breathes a laugh. “You have a point.”

“I always do,” Maya says, and she flips her hair dramatically.

Maybe Michael would let Ashton draw him. That would be a nice change from always drawing Luke and never drawing Calum. Maybe Ashton could just do it and then ask Michael what he thinks. It would be nice to have new muses. Ashton has spent a lot of time on Luke; maybe it’s about time he branched out again.

“Hey,” Ashton says, struck with inspiration as he watches Maya make brushstrokes across her paper. “Can I draw you?”

“Hell yeah, go for it,” Maya says. “I’m not sitting still for you, though.”

“I’ll live,” Ashton says dryly. Maya grins and laughs. A fresh page before Ashton and a new pencil in his hand, he studies Maya’s profile carefully and then brings his pencil to the page.

-

“Did you break into the Fine Arts Room again?”

“I don’t think it’s breaking in if it’s technically unlocked,” Ashton points out.

Luke squints but evidently fails to argue with this logic. “How’s artsy hipster bullshit camp?”

“Really good,” Ashton says, cracking his knuckles. His parents have told him repeatedly that doing so will give him arthritis, but Ashton suspects that’s more of a scare tactic than a fact. At this point he doubts even rehab could get him to stop. It’s the only thing Ashton can think to do with his hands when he’s not drawing. “By the way, remember the other day when you fell asleep on our call?”

I fell asleep at the end of our call,” Luke corrects him. “We were done talking.”

“Okay, weirdo,” Ashton says, shaking his head. “Well, anyway, Maya convinced me that I should show you this because maybe you’d think it was cute, or something.” He holds up the drawing of Luke.

Luke leans closer to the camera. Anyone else might have trouble discerning what’s on the page given how dim it is around Ashton, but not Luke. Luke has super-senses. His visual acuity is, like, a thousand. (Rough estimate.)

So when Luke’s face splits into a grin, Ashton knows he’s seen exactly what’s there. “Oh my fucking God, you sap,” he says. “I thought you just hung up straightaway.” 

“Nope,” Ashton says. “I’m just saving moments. One day I’ll have enough for a flip book.”

Luke’s expression goes all mushy and heart-eyed. “You’re unbelievable,” he says, fond and endeared. “I can’t believe you’re not bored of my dumb face yet.”

“Are you kidding? Have you seen your dumb face?” Ashton laughs. “It’s impossible to be bored of it.”

“Ashton,” Luke says, his eyes crinkling so much that the blue all but disappears. “I love you.”

And everything makes sense.

“I love you too,” Ashton says, struck by the realization that he does. The drawings, the midnight Skype calls, the death-defying trips around the city with only his faith in Luke to keep them afloat, the fluttery feeling — all of the colors lock into place, and Ashton can see the rainbow clear as day in front of him. He’s never been in love; of course he couldn’t tell. But there’s nothing else it could be.

“Oh, good,” Luke says timidly. “I was a little worried you wouldn’t say it back.”

Ashton glances from the drawing in his hand to the look on Luke’s face on the screen, and he cracks a crooked smile. “Then you, superhero, have not been paying attention.”

[allsassnoclass]

you said 'i'm always taking prompts' and i took that personally, so, 42. “Is this okay?” for malum if you feel like it! - taylor <3

"i took that personally" a;sldkjfa taylor you make me smile. I hope you enjoy this one @squishmichael

malum: "Is this okay?"

Michael blinks as they exit the coffee shop and re-enter the sunny Los Angeles street, eyes adjusting to the lighting change as they pull out chairs on the patio and sit down. Calum kept his sunglasses on the whole time, even though Michael said it made him look like an asshole in the shop, but no one in LA blinks twice at that. There are too many celebrities around trying to hide their identities for sunglasses indoors to be uncommon.

Michael and Calum aren't trying to hide today. In fact, that's the exact opposite of what they're supposed to be doing. They're here to be seen, and when Michael glances across the street and sees a man enjoying his own breakfast with a camera around his neck, he knows they will be.

He hates pap walks, which is part of the reason Ashton always does them for the band, but this time is different. This time they have a reason for wanting to be noticed.

He exhales slowly. They can do this.

"So..." Calum says. Michael takes a sip of his coffee, burning his tongue a bit. Calum got an iced coffee, which was probably the better choice for a warm day, but Michael hates putting ice in his coffee. Then the ice melts and it gets weird and watery, and with the sun still beating down on them it'd melt even faster than usual.

"So," Michael replies.

"You know, based on the awkward silence this is not one of our better dates," Calum says. Michael snorts, some of the tension he hadn't realized he was projecting dissipating with the noise.

"It's not exactly a normal date for us," he says.

"No, it's not," Calum agrees. He puts his hand out on the table, palm up for Michael to take. Michael looks at it for a second too long, then puts his own hand down on top, Calum's thumb automatically swiping over his fingers.

"Is this okay?" Calum asks.

"Yeah," he says. "It's kinda the point."

"Then why do you look like you'd rather be anywhere but here?"

Michael forces himself to relax again. This won't work if he looks uncomfortable, and he shouldn't be, anyway. He's on a date with his boyfriend. This is something that he does and enjoys all the time, just with a few more eyes on them.

"I don't know," he says. "It's... weird, I guess. Like I keep forgetting that we're not hiding anymore and I can feel everyone's eyes on us even though literally no one is looking right now, and the whole point of this is to be seen. I don't know."

"Do you want to do this differently?" Calum asks. "We can go home."

"No, I want to," he says. "Someone has to do the pap walk anyway, and I liked the idea of not having to formally say anything. I like us continuing to live our lives, only without censoring ourselves. They're doing the work of coming out for us, and you know I'm lazy and will always let someone else do the work."

"Okay," Calum says. "Are you sure?"

Michael nods once, decisively, and smiles at him. One of the things that Michael loves about Calum is that he never pushes when he shouldn't and he knows where Michael's lines are. Calum is always trying to ensure that he's comfortable, and Michael loves that given how uncomfortable the world can be.

"I love you," he says, because this is the first time doing it out in public without having to check his volume. Calum's face blooms into a smile, cheeks a little rosy from the sun he got yesterday while relaxing in their backyard.

"Love you, too."

Things go easier after that. Michael is able to forget about the point of this excursion and focus on Calum instead, immersing them in conversation and each other. They hold hands the entire time, and Calum even kisses Michael's hand in a move that makes him laugh because hand kisses have never been a natural part of them and Calum's supposed "loving gaze" over their knuckles just makes him look a little bit stupid. After that it becomes a competition to see who can play up their romance more, feeding each other bites of pastries from their own forks and playing footsie under the table. Michael brushes some crumbs off Calum's lip with his thumb. Calum catches an eyelash under his eye and holds it out so Michael can make a wish.

Eventually they finish their coffees and the conversation dies down. Michael starts to get restless for a change of scenery and Calum says that it's almost time to walk the dogs. They throw away their garbage and push in their chairs, ready to head to the car and go home.

The photographer is still across the street, watching with interest and a hand on his camera. Michael knows that he got shots earlier and there will be something on a gossip website soon, ready to stir up conversation and keep the band in the public's consciousness, but there's still a chance for them to do one last thing to unequivocally display themselves as a couple.

Michael doesn't want the article to speculate over their relationship status or try to dismiss them as friends who are acting a little more cuddly than usual. Michael wants everyone to know that he's loved Calum for years, that they belong together for the rest of their lives.

"Hey," he says, tugging Calum back by his hand. "One last photo op." He glances at Calum's lips, hoping it gets the point across. Calum smiles, a sparkle in his eyes.

"First time in public," he says, and that sends a thrill through Michael, too. After today, he'll get to kiss Calum wherever and whenever he wants, without worrying about exposing them before they're ready or feeling like he has to hide and be ashamed. Michael could never be ashamed of them, but it's nice to eliminate that fear, anyway.

"Make it a good one," Michael says, stepping into Calum's space. Calum meets him halfway, pressing their lips together sweetly.

"Alright?" he asks when they pull back a second later. Michael just smiles and brings his hands up to play with the curls growing out at the back of Calum's neck, happy with the way Calum's hands immediately find his waist and pull him a little closer for their second kiss.

Michael doesn't think about who may or may not see. Later, after they've walked the dogs, Calum will check the internet, find the article written about them, and tell Michael about how it says a source claims they've been dating for a while. He'll show Michael the pictures, including one of this kiss, and Michael will feel a weight leave him with the knowledge that he and Calum can freely do what they want regardless of who might be around to see. That's for later, though. For now, Michael simply lets himself enjoy kissing his boyfriend in the LA sun.

[calpalirwin]

Painted Pink Room

Summary: Cake adopts a kid.

Word Count: 3.1k

And away, and away we go!

__

It started with Ashton and Michael introducing them to Wyatt. Wyatt was a spunky little guy of two and a half years old with a mop of wild curls and an infectious little laugh that had Luke looking over at Calum with big pleading eyes and a small pout. And all Calum could do was give a small nod. “So, uh,” Calum started, clearing his throat. “Ash, how did you and Mike… you know?”

“Decide to adopt? Why are you and Luke thinking of doing the same?”

“I mean…” Calum shrugged nervously. “There’s a lot to figure out and whatnot. But uh… kinda hard to deny that this,” he gestured out to the yard where Michael was dying a dramatic death for the benefit of his son who, at Luke’s coaxing of “get him Wyatt!” pounced on Michael, “doesn’t look half bad,” Calum concluded.

A shriek filled the air as Michael roared and started tickling the boy, yelling “Ahahahaha! You fell right into my trap! Now the tickle monster got you! Oh no! Say ‘Uncle Luke help!’”

“Help, help!” Wyatt pleaded with more giggles, pulling at Luke’s hand.

Luke immediately jumped into action, whispering something in the boy’s ear that made him light up before hollering “Attack!” and both Luke and Wyatt started tickling Michael back, all three of them gasping for air amid the storm of giggles.

Ashton and Calum shared a laugh, and then Ashton sighed longingly. “Yeah, it’s gonna be a process. And lots of talking before anything gets done. But the end result is pretty fuckin’ great.”

“Yeah. So how did you and Mike decide that this is what you guys wanted?”

“I mean for me it was easy. I always wanted to be a dad. To prove I could do it without making the same mistakes. But I was afraid of those mistakes, too. Still am. Absolutely scared shitless.”

Calum nodded understandingly. Ashton’s parental history was significantly more fucked than his own had been, but he understood more so than Luke and Michael could about not wanting to repeat mistakes their parents had made. “And Mike?”

Ashton giggled, “Mike is like a big kid himself. He’s great with Wyatt. But he wasn’t sure he was ready for the responsibility that comes with all this. Cuz it’s a lot. I won’t sugarcoat that for ya. But, I dunno. It’s hard to explain how despite all the what ifs and worries, you have a kid anyway. It’s like a blind leap of faith. You just do it and hope for the best.”

“Mhm, and uh… sorry for all the questions, but how did you guys know you wanted Wyatt and not like… adopt a newborn, or try a surrogacy so the kid shared DNA with at least one of you?”

“Well, for one, DNA doesn’t make a family. You know that as well as I do. I mean, look at us, we all found family in each other. But we thought it’d be an easier adjustment with a slightly older kid. Like we wanted them relatively little to have all those experiences. But a newborn felt like it would be too much. And then we met Wyatt and everything just clicked.”

“He’s a cute little thing, that’s for damn sure. Has the coolest dads I know, too.”

Ashton grinned and wrapped an arm around Calum’s shoulder for a sideways hug, “Thanks man. And any kid would be lucky to have you and Luke for dads, you know that right? And you’d have mine and Mike’s support the whole way. Plus it’d kinda be cool if you wanted to give Wyatt a cousin.”

Calum laughed. “Alright, alright. It’ll be a serious discussion now. Gotta make sure it’s not just a bad case of baby fever.”

“Oh, for sure. That’s a conversation all on it’s own.” As he unwrapped his arm from Calum, he glanced at his watch. “Shit.”

“What?”

“Nap time. Ready to see if it’s just a case of baby fever? Mike!”

Michael’s head popped up, and Wyatt took the small distraction to tackle Michael again, the man falling on his ass with a small oomph! “Huh?!” he asked as he wrapped up Wyatt to keep the boy from climbing all over him.

“Time to wrap it up.”

Michael nodded once, standing up and taking Wyatt with him. “C’mon you. Nap time.”

At the word “nap” Wyatt let out a piercing wail and started squirming against Michael’s hold on him. The wail had all four men wincing, and Luke shot Calum a quick glance as if to say “Ooof, could you imagine?” “Ow, Wyatt, we don’t hit. It’s not nice,” Michael scolded lightly, simply adjusting his grip to limit the boy’s protests.

“No!” he wailed, big crocodile tears running down his face.

“Hey,” Ashton said softly, stepping in to help, a thumb brushing away the tears on his son’s face. “Take a breath for me,” and when Wyatt let out a blubbering huff of air with only a sniffle, Ashton smiled at him. “That’s my boy. Now, do you want Daddy to read you a story, or Papa?”

Wyatt sniffed again before making grabby hands for Ashton. Michael kissed his hair before passing Ashton Wyatt. “We’ll play more later. You gotta rest first. And so does Daddy. Love you, bug.”

Ashton chuckled softly as he took Wyatt on his hip, the boy’s head snuggling into his neck. Ashton gave Michael a quick kiss before saying he’d be down in a bit and disappeared inside the house.

“How’d you decide who was Daddy and who was Papa?” Luke asked as the other three men filed inside and settled on the couch in the living room.

Michael shrugged. “Not sure really. It kinda just happened. I mean, it doesn’t really mean too much right now.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well we’ve only had Wyatt a month. Ashton and I try to refer to each other as Daddy and Papa for his sake. To make it more commonplace. I mean, that’s what they said to do. Them being the agency, and the support groups, and all that. But, it’s all new to him. Like he knows I’m Daddy and Ashton’s Papa. But he doesn’t say it yet.”

“Oh… Well, he’ll get there, yeah?”

“Oh yeah. I’m not worried about it. I mean we got to spend plenty of time with him while everything was getting finalized, so he feels safe with us which is what really matters. Everything else is just details. So, Cal, what were you and Ash talking about?”

“Yeah, love, what were you guys talking about?” Luke asked with a suggestive eyebrow raise.

“Oh, I was just asking Ash some questions about how you guys came to decide on having Wyatt. Just curious was all.”

“Curious?” both blondes pressed.

Calum shrugged a little shyly, taking Luke’s hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “We’ll talk about it later, yeah Lu?”

Luke broke out in a grin while Michael laughed loudly. “Not so loud,” Ashton hissed as he came down the stairs.

“Shit, my bad,” Michael apologized. “He go down alright?”

“Out like a light. You and Luke really wore him out. So, what I’d miss?” he asked as he plopped down next to Michael

“Oh, nothing much. Just apparently Cal and Luke are thinking of following our footsteps.”

Ashton nodded. “Yeah, and Luke I’ll tell you what I told Cal outside. It’s a lot. But whatever help or support you guys need, if this is what you guys decide you want, Mike and I are behind you a hundred percent.”

“It’s definitely a conversation I want to have if Cal does,” Luke said, his hand resting on Calum’s thigh.

Calum rested his own hand on top of Luke’s squeezing it reassuringly. “Course, Lu. And thanks guys. The support means a lot.”

“Course, mate,” Michael told him. “Plus, Ash wouldn’t it be cool for Wyatt to get a cousin? It’s like a sibling with less stress.”

~~~

Later that night, Luke rolled over to his side in bed, propping himself up on his elbow, his chin resting in the palm of his hand. “Were you serious early?”

“Serious about what?”

“Us having a baby.”

“Course I was serious. We both wanna be dads, don’t we?”

In a burst of excitement, Luke pushed himself to sit with his legs crossed facing Calum, who mirrored the position, their knees pressed against the other’s. “You’re dead serious? Cuz I swear if you’re fucking with me I’ll never forgive you.”

Calum chuckled softly. “You think I’d joke about something like this? What do you think I was pestering Ash for?”

Luke shrugged and looked away shyly. “Figured you were asking all the stressful stuff so you could talk me down…”

Calum let out another soft chuckle, reaching out to guide Luke’s face back up to look at him. “I mean, Ash did mention that it’s a process, and a lot of discussions, and decisions to make. Like this doesn’t happen overnight. And that’s the easy part. I mean, we’re talking about the end result being us being responsible for a whole ass human.”

“Whoa… yeah that’s kinda scary putting it that way, huh? But…?”

“But if there’s anyone I’d wanna do this with, it’s you, Lu.”

“Yes!” Luke cheered before kissing Calum deeply. “Okay, so how did Ash and Mike get started? Do we wanna do what they did and adopt like a toddler? Or do we wanna go older or younger? Oh newborns are so cute! But it’s kinda cool when they can talk, and actually play too like Wyatt can. Oh, and imagine if we get a little girl? We can learn to do her hair and we can have salon parties all the time! Wait! Do you think we should look into surrogacy? A little mix of you and me? Is that possible you think?” Luke spewed out all the questions he had in a rapid fire barely taking time to breath between words. He paused to suck down a giant gulp of air, his face flushing. “Fuck, sorry, that was a lot.”

“There good questions, Lu. Definitely things we need to talk about. But maybe we start slower. Talk to Ash and Mike about getting in contact with the adoption agency they went through. See what all our options are and go from there?”

“Yeah that’s probably the smartest way to go about this. Just do what feels right each step of the way. Fuck… but we’re really gonna do this? We’re gonna try to have a baby? You and me?”

“Me and you,” Calum smiled. 

It was quiet for a moment as they settled in for bed, their decision slowly sinking in. Then, just as Calum closed his eyes, Luke whispered out in the dark. “Hey, love?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I be daddy, and you be papa?”

“Sounds perfect, babe.”

~~~

The process, as Ashton had warned them, was a lot. There were interviews, home inspections, background checks, and seemingly endless piles of paperwork. And that was just for Calum and Luke to get cleared. 

Several times they wondered if they should have gone the surrogacy route, but after a few meetings when they were shown some case files, it had been a no-brainer.

They sat side by side as they shifted through file after file, fingers knocking against each other as they pointed out whatever caught their eye. It was the file of a little girl, a baby really at thirteen months old, that had them both gasping at the same time. Brown eyes met blue and there was the briefest of nods. “Um, excuse me, what’s the story on this one? There’s not a lot here,” Luke asked the adoption agency clerk helping them.

“That’s McKenna. She came to us when she was a day old. Safe haven surrender. Sweet little girl. We can arrange a meeting if you’re interested.”

“That would be great, yeah.”

~~~

“So you guys are meeting her today, yeah?” Ashton asked.

“Yeah,” and even though both Calum and Luke were beaming, their voices shook. “Been waiting like what? A month for this?” Calum went on.

“I thought you guys were already four months into this?” Michael questioned.

“Yeah, we are. Shit has it been that long? But since we saw McKenna’s file and now it’s been a month. Longest month of my life…” Luke let out his breath in a small huff, raking his hands through his hair.

“Well, good news is that once you guys get approved to adopt, which you will, the actual adoption process won’t take as long,” Ashton pointed out. “That’s how it was with Wyatt. We got to know him for… what was it Mike? Like a little less than a year while all the processing shit happened. Because they’ll keep scheduling visits so everyone gets comfortable. Makes the transition easier. And then because we had that background established, the adoption process was like… 2 months I wanna say? And that was just waiting for the court date.”

“Something like that yeah. But hey, don’t sweat it if you and the kid don’t click. Like it’s okay. Take your time with it,” Michael jumped in.

“Yeah, definitely. No rush.”

“How did you guys know with Wyatt?” Calum asked.

“You’re just gonna know, mate. I promise. Instinct will take over and you’ll just know.”

Calum understood exactly what his friends meant when two hours later McKenna was set in his arms. Big brown eyes peered up at him full of confused wonder, deciding how she felt about the man holding her and the tall blonde smiling down at her. “Well, hey there, McKenna. I’m Cal, and this is Luke.”

McKenna watched Calum carefully as he spoke, before shifting her attention to Luke who was waving at her. She reached a small hand out towards Luke. Luke held out his index finger for her and her small fist wrapped around it. “Hey, sweetheart,” he cooed softly. “Oh, Cal, she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s a beaut, aren’t you, darling? Do you want Luke to hold you?”

Luke held out his arms warmly and McKenna wiggled a bit in Calum’s arms so he started to pass her over, but her free hand bunched itself in Calum’s shirt, not letting go, causing both men to laugh. “Alright, that’s okay. We’ll just hold hands,” Luke told her scrunching up his nose at her and tickling at her ribs, giggling when she giggled.

“This is the quickest I’ve ever seen her warm up to a family before,” one of the workers running the meeting mentioned. “Normally she’s way more shy than this.”

“Does that mean you like us, darling?” Calum asked. “Cuz I really hope it does.”

~~~

Eleven months. Eleven months of having to be content with limited visiting time with the little girl who stole more of their hearts every time they were with her. Eleven of the longest months they’d ever experienced before they got the phone call that everything had been approved and they could finally get in front of a judge to formalize the adoption.

“So, when can we schedule a court date?” Calum choked out over the phone.

“We can get the three of you in front of a judge in three weeks.”

“And that’s when we’ll be able to take her home?”

“Barring any complications, yes.”

“Complications? Um… Sorry, could you explain that?” Calum asked, holding up a finger at Luke who’s eyes went wide with worry.

“Usually it has to do with paperwork that wasn’t processed properly, or waiting the right amount of days, and in some rare cases biological parents popping out of the woodwork.”

“And, do you…” Calum faltered with his question.

“Foresee any complications with your case? No. Everything’s been processed, waiting periods have been waited, and safe haven surrender terminated the biological parents rights.”

Calum let out a small laugh of relief. “Okay. Awesome. That’s great. So three weeks?”

“I’ll forward you the information.”

“Great. Thank you so much.”

“Well?!” Luke demanded as Calum ended the call, chewing on his thumbnail.

“Three more weeks, Lu. Three more weeks and she’s all ours.”

“YES!” Luke whooped, wrapping Calum in a tight hug. “Our daughter’s coming home in three weeks! Three weeks, love! That’s nothing! We can do three weeks, no problem. Plenty of time to get her room set up.”

“Better get to work then.”

~~~

If asked, Calum and Luke couldn’t answer what happened in the courtroom, what with their shaking hands, and pounding heartbeats drowning out any other sound. The words that filtered in were muddled and slow. “Accepted” and “congratulations” before the gavel was pounding and they snapped out of their haze, tears free falling down their faces.

What they did remember in sharp focus was the drive home, with McKenna in the backseat. Luke kept turning in his seat and Calum kept peering through the rearview mirror, each one grinning every time she was still there when they looked, as if they expected each time to find the backseat empty like this had all been a figment of their imagination.

They remembered the way she started yawning and rubbing her eyes as Luke’s voice crooned a soft lullaby at bedtime. The hushed goodnights and I love yous, and the soft glow of the night light. And not sure of what else to do, they turned in for the night themselves.

The alarm clock on Calum’s nightstand said that it was a little after midnight when someone tugged at his hand.

Calum jerked awake, finding McKenna peeking up at him. “What’s the matter, darling?” he rasped.

“I scared.”

“You’re scared? Aw, c’mere, darling.” He peeled back the covers and helped her up into bed beside him. “Everything’s new, huh?”

She nodded, curling her body into him.

“That’s okay. Daddy and I will keep you safe, I promise.”

“Hmm?” Luke mumbled in his sleep. “Love, who are you ta- oh hey sweetheart,” Luke’s eyes blinked open to find Calum cradling McKenna. “Everything okay?”

“Just a little scared is all,” Calum explained.

“Mmm, well don’t worry, sweetheart. You wanna sleep in here with me and Papa?”

McKenna nodded before crawling over Calum to sandwich herself between her dads. “That’s our girl,” Luke smiled, kissing her forehead and drawing the blanket up snug. “All nice and cozy?”

“Mhm,” she nodded with a small yawn.

“G’night, darling. We’ll be right here if you need us,” Calum told her, leaning down to kiss her forehead. “We love you.”

“So stinking much,” Luke added.

As they settled back down themselves, Calum and Luke heard the softest, “Night, wuv you too,” from McKenna, causing both men to fall asleep with grins on their faces, their little girl protectively snuggled between them. Perfect.

__

Tag List

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[suchalonelysunflower]

The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn is to Love (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin X fem!Reader 

Request: Yes!

Summary: Ashton is trying to propose, but fate’s not putting it easily 

Warnings: Smut, oral (female recieving) unprotected sex in a stablished relationship (wrap it before you tap it, please) Language, maybe a few grammar mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 5.3 k

Author’s Note: Requested by the lovely Lizza @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof 💕 is my very fisrt attempt to smut writting (I literally have no experience with this) so please be kind. Reblogs, comments and feedback are always welcomed and encouraged so please, I would love to know your opinion 😊 You can find the rest of my work HERE. Hope you like it and Happy reading  ✨🦋

@iknowyouthinkimbulletproof​​ :  hi, i hope i'm not bugging you (wow didn't know my social anxiety shows so much) , i wanted to ask if you could write some fluffy smut with ash or mikey. maybe they just got engaged or something. lots of love - lizza

Everything was going according to plan. At least that’s what Ashton thought 5 min into the date. 

“What do you mean there is no reservation?” He asked the host, as calmly as he could. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Irwin. But I have no reservations under your name for tonight” Said the lady, trying to avoid any conflict “I do have one for the 24th but for the next month” 

Ashton wanted to slap himself in the face. Did he really make the reservation and messed up the date?! Tonight, out of all nights, it had to be tonight. His mind was racing like the Lightning Mcqueen himself, trying to find any kind of solution for this inconvenience.He had to find a way to stick to the plan, even if the first step was already ruined. 

“Is everything okay, Ash?” A voice snapped him out of his head. 

Ashton looked at you and his eyes softened when he felt your delicate hand on his arm, he was thankful for this little comforting gesture you always do when you notice he was starting to get frustrated. He gave you a reassuring warm smile as he interlocks his fingers with yours. 

“Yeah,” Ash said, thanking the host and guiding you out of the fancy restaurant onto the busy LA streets. “I'm just an idiot who can't tell June from July appart” He sighed. 

Your mouth became a thin line as you tried to hold back the laughter. “Oh no, baby…” You said, barely holding in the giggles. Ashton rolled his eyes. 

“Okay, let it out” He said as you burst out laughing in the middle of the sidewalk. Ashton briefly stops, but you kept on walking, allowing him to pull on your hand and make you turn around until your chest hit his “Well, now you´re just being mean” He pouted as you started giggling again. 

“Aww I´m sorry, baby” You said pecking his lips “But that's what you get for always teasing me about not remembering dates” 

“Yeah, I guess I deserve that” He sighed “You're not mad?” 

“Why would I be?” You frowned confused. 

Ashton looked at the floor, his hand still intertwined with yours as he played with your fingers. He didn’t try to hide his disappointment. 

“Because! We’ve been waiting for this date for a while now and you spend a lot of time getting yourself all ready and gorgeous to go to that fancy restaurant and I just ruined by getting all wrong from the beginning and-“

“Ash!” You interrupted him, cupping his face in your hands and making him look at you “Nothing’s ruined and the date isn’t over! Maybe it was fate… think about it! I bet that restaurant didn’t even have fries and I’m seriously craving some right now” Ashton chucked “The important thing here is that I get to spend time with you, so as long as I do, I don’t care if it is in a five star restaurant with minuscule portions of overly priced food or in a McDonald’s parking lot” 

Ashton looked at you and all he could see was how your eyes crinkled with your smile. He swears that if he were to die in the next 10 seconds then he would die a happy man, because your smile would be the last thing he’d see. 

This was just a minor setback, he thought, just one piece of his plan that didn’t exactly stick to it, but he still had all night. 

“I love you” He said, smiling as he brought his lips to yours. 

“I love you too, baby” You responded, stepping back and tugging on his hand “But first, fries” 

Ashton laughed, letting you guide the way to the closest fast food restaurant. And as he felt the weight of the small velvet box on his pocket, he knew that you were right, as long as he was with you, then everything would be okay. He only hopes the rest of the night goes according to plan. 

In a matter of minutes, you and Ashton were sitting on the sidewalk in your fancy clothes eating fries and milkshakes, laughing and joking around without a single care in the world. Your head was resting on his shoulder as you both saw cars and people pass, trying to create narratives with complete strangers and laughing at the absurdity that came out of each other's mouths. 

With every passing second, Ashton was even more sure about his decision. He was looking at you while you wondered aloud about the possibility of fate and he couldn't believe his luck. It seemed like yesterday where he got the nerve to ask you out on a date, palms sweaty as he blurted out the words, holding his breath until you smiled at him and said yes. He's hoping that tonight you would do the same. 

Your words drift away in his head as he starts daydreaming about your future together. He can see you standing all in white in front of him, a house with a lot of rooms to let your friends crash whenever they needed to or to fill with toys for your children, oh he can't wait to start a family with you, knowing that that's what you want too, eventually, maybe in a few years. Or maybe not at all? You could´ve changed your mind and that would be alright by him, after all if he has you then that's all he needed. But maybe you don't want him anymore, maybe you changed your mind completely. What would you say then? Is he rushing this? You talked about this before, but you could still say no. Would you say no? You have all the right to do so. Oh God, is he ruining this by asking you? Would you break up with him? Wh-? 

“Ashton?” 

Your voice pulls him out of the trance, just like it did the first time he asked you on a date. 

“Hmm?” He hums. His eyes find yours and it's easy to spot the worry in them, the anxiety of it all is consuming him, but he can't let it show. 

“Where'd you go?” You chuckled, knowing he was in a different headspace. 

“I'm right here” He said, sliding his thumb against your lip to clean a bit of ice cream that was left forgotten,  pressing his lips against yours right after. 

He knows he shouldn't overthink this instead of enjoying this moment with you. He loves you and he knows you love him, that's all that matters, that's all there is to care. You belong together and if fate wants it, then you´ll be together for all your lives and he wants nothing more. He couldn't be more grateful when he's holding you like that, kissing you like that. With you, he feels like home. You are like a dream come true. 

He pulled away after a while, giving your forehead a little kiss and staying like that. You smiled.

“Not that I'm complaining,” You said, lifting your gaze to meet his eyes “But are you okay, baby? You seem… off” 

Ashton just smiled and nodded “I´m good, love. Just thinking,”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Maybe later.” He chuckled, getting up from the sidewalk and offering his hand for you to the same “Now, are you ready for step two?”

“Ooh, there's more?” You teased, locking your fingers together as you walked side to side. 

“I want you to have the best night of your life, dear” Ashton said, pulling you closer. 

“I already do! Every night that I have you with me is the best night of my life” You leaned closer to whisper in his ear “Where I can have you all by myself,” You bit his earlobe quickly, wanting to tease him just enough. 

“Careful, princess” Ashton warned in a low voice “Don't want to start something you don't intend to finish. We still have a long night ahead of us ” 

“Oh, I'm counting on it” 

*************************************************

“Excuse me, what?!” Ashton asked the security guard of the gallery. The man just stood there and shook his head. 

“I’m sorry son, but the exhibition is closed until next week for reparations” 

“Oh no, no no no no no” Ashton murmured, tangling his fingers in his hair “fuck fuck fuck fuck” 

He was thankful that you needed to go to the bathroom, that way you didn’t see him freak out in front of a complete stranger. 

The security guard looked at Ashton like he was crazy. 

“Are you okay, son?” 

“No!” He said loudly, but quickly lowered his voice when he realized more people were staring “That exhibition belongs to one of my girlfriend’s favorite artists, they have this whole collection of couples in different stages in life and intimacy and she just loves it so much and I already plan on asking her to marry me but the restaurant didn’t have my reservation and now the gallery is closed and I’m fully panicking because I don’t know if she’s going to say yes now that I ruined again just because I didn’t ask before coming in here and-“

Ashton was interrupted when he felt two large hands grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him slightly. 

“Calm the ef down, chief” Said the old man “You are going to have seizure if you keep rambling like that without taking a breath” Ashton closed his mouth and just stared at the man who still hasn’t let go of him “Look, you love this girl, don’t ya son?” 

“More than anything”

“You wanna marry her?”

“Yes.”

“She loves you?” 

“She does” 

“Then why the hell are you so nervous?! If she loves you and wants to marry you then just ask her! Believe me, women don’t care about the flowers or the chocolates or all that bullshit. If you are the one for her and she’s the one for you then that’s all that truly has value” The man gave a small, kinda ‘wake the hell up’ slap to Ashton’s cheek that made him blink in disbelief “Now, don’t be an idiot, puff your chest and stop being a little scared puppy and go ask her!” 

Ashton nodded, kinda weirded out by the whole interaction but still understanding everything that man said. He thanked the man for the pep talk and walked a little too fast over where you were standing. 

You had just come out of the bathroom when you saw your boyfriend walking up to you. You noticed he was a little distressed once again. 

“Hey, Ash. Everything okay?” 

“Uhh, yes? No, yeah. What?” He mumbled, trying to wrap his head on what he should do next “Sorry, it just seems like the exhibition you wanted to see it’s closed for the week” 

“Oh no,” You said in a little disappointed tone that Ashton was quick to catch up, cursing at himself for making you sad, even though it wasn’t exactly his fault “Eh okay, that’s fine. Maybe we can just hang out on the other exhibitions” You smiled. 

“Babe, we’ve seen the other exhibitions like a million times already, don’t you think it’ll be a waste of time?” Ashton carefully asked. 

“Of course not! I love them,” You exclaimed, tugging on his hand and already walking to an isle full of portraits “And besides, time’s never wasted when you’re in good company and I so happen to have the best one there is” 

Ashton returned the smile and wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to peck your cheek “I love you so darn much” he whispered in your ear “Why don’t we make this a game? You give me a list of things I have to find within the gallery, since we’ve been here before you need to make it clever so we don't end the game too soon, and I’ll do the same to you. Okay?”

Your eyes lighted up at the idea of a challenge. Both of you were very competitive and you knew this was going to be one of those times where it was all or nothing. 

“What happens if I win?” You asked.

Ashton pulled you closer, his hand dangerously placed on your lower back, slowly traveling lower and lower, making you shiver under his touch “We can do whatever you want, baby” he whispered, leaving a burning kiss on the side of your ear. 

“Mmh, whatever I want?” 

“I’ll be at your mercy, my princess” He smirked. 

You grabbed him by the neck and pulled him into a kiss “Then let’s make sure I win, then” 

You exchanged phones and opened the notes app. The goal was to find ten items, it could be people hiding in one of the pictures or portraits, sculptures or random pieces of art scattered around the gallery. To prove you have them all you had to take a picture next to it or of it. Once you finished writing the list on each other’s phones, you started your search. 

You walked alongside each other, hands laced together as you took in the different kinds of art the gallery offered, stopping from time to time when one of you spotted one item on the list, making one of you take the picture while the other rejoiced in victory. 

“Hold up!” Ashton said as you passed in front of a peculiar painting “If I remember correctly… yes!” He celebrated quietly “There’s the duck with a bow tie! That means I win” 

“This isn’t fair!” You whined after taking Ashton’s picture next to the stupid duck. He had a smug smile on his face as he held two thumbs up to the camera “I can’t find the last item! You cheated!” 

“Aww” Cooed Ashton “Someone’s being a sore loser” 

“Am not!” 

“That’s alright babe, you can win another time” Ashton chucked “What’s the last item?” 

“The lady with the diamond ring” You groaned, rolling your eyes “It’s so stupid! I’ve been here before like a thousand times and I’ve never seen a painting or anything like it with a lady with a diamond ring. Diamond tiara yes, but ring?” You scoffed, clearly frustrated “Are you sure there’s a lady like that here?”

“Well…” Ashton started, but he was soon cut off by a loud, annoying sound. 

Soon enough, droplets of water started falling down the roof. The sprinkles had been turned on, meaning there was a fire inside the gallery. 

You looked at Ashton with fear in your eyes, the same fear you saw reflected in his hazel gaze. He grabbed your hand, ready to sprint out of there in a second when someone started yelling.

“Sorry! False alarm! I fell and pressed the button sorry! There’s no fire!” A masculine voice echoed through the isles. 

Ashton was livid, once again his proposal suffered a step back. How could everything get so messed up? He had everything planned and yet none of that worked. He was always used to having at least some sense of control over things but now he just felt completely helpless. Everything was wrong, everything was-

“Pfft” 

He snapped his face towards you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he saw you place a hand to your mouth, cheeks turning red from trying to stifle your laughter. But as soon as your eyes met his, you lost it completely. 

Your laughter burst through the halls, crackling at the situation “You-,” You said through a fit of giggles and snorts “Your face! You-“ You gasped for air, trying to gain some composure but failing miserably “I- we’re soaked! Look!” 

Ashton gaze followed to where your finger was pointing, finally stopping at a mirrored window in front of you. The image of both of your fancy outfits completely drenched, humid strands of hair falling on your faces and your make-up completely ruined except for the waterproof eyeliner was truly a sight to behold.

Ashton’s eyes were concentrated on your reflection the entire time. Even soaking wet you were the most beautiful piece of art he’d ever seen, your laughter filling his ears as a muse’s melody. He couldn’t wait to hear it every single day of his life. 

He joined you soon enough, his giggles resonating along yours, finally accepting how ridiculous this situation was. That’s something you love about him, his laugh. You’d never get tired of it. It was so sincere and pure, you don’t know how’d you spend so much time without that laugh in your life. 

He was truly the love of your life. You knew, as soon as you saw him, that you were done for. You remember waiting patiently for him to ask you on a date, almost giving up and asking him yourself when he blurted out the words one day, thankfully. You are so in love with him it hurts, and to know that the feeling is mutual is just… the greatest thing that could ever happen to you. 

You pressed your lips against his, both of you smiling into the kiss as your hands played with the back of his neck, training the lines of the condor tattoo. His hands quickly found their way to your waist, rounding it as he lifted you off the ground and spun you around the soaked marble floor. 

Ashton broke the kiss when he put you down once again “Wanna get out of here?” He asked, smiling. 

You nodded as you let him guide you outside the building. 

The cold air of the city made you shiver as soon as you stepped foot on the streets, Ashton quickly gave you his jacket, which was a sweet gesture even though it made no difference since it was soaked as well. 

“Let’s head back home” He said, placing an arm around your shoulders. 

“Thought you had a whole night planned?” You asked, not wanting to discourage him.

“Yeah.. but that already went to the dogs. We can’t go anywhere in this state” He chuckled, making you laugh as well “And besides, someone once told me that the most important thing is that we get to spend time together. So as long as we do that, every plan is a great plan, don’t you think?” 

You hummed softly “Must be a very wise person” 

“Very much so. And beautiful. And funny. And hot as hell…”

“Wow, really?” You asked sarcastically. 

“Extremely” 

“I must meet them someday” 

Ashton laughed and pulled you closer to him. Never wanting to let you go. 

*************************************************

The drive home was peacefully quiet, both of you content with each other’s company, the radio filled in the silence and the traffic lights gave the atmosphere an ethereal feeling. You knew this was one of the moments where words were unnecessary, one of those moments to put away in a little box and opening it for a rainy day. It was a moment of love and peace. A true treasure. 

Once you are home, you open the door as soon as Ashton stops the car, expressing your dire need of a hot shower “Can I join?” Asked Ashton as he took the key out of the engine tab. 

“Always” You winked at him. 

He chucked, making the car keys fall from his grip “Aw shit, go ahead love. The keys are in the pocket of my jacket” 

Ashton heard you mutter an okay as he bent down to grab the car keys from the floor. Realizing a moment too late that there was something else in his pocket that night. 

“Ashton…”

Oh shit. 

“A-Ash, wha-“ you stuttered, holding a little blue velvet box in your hand. 

He rushed to you, quickly grabbing the object from your hands “Oh shit, uuh” he gulped, starting to panic “I-I, fuck. I didn’t- Oh fuck it” 

In a matter of seconds, Ashton fell on one knee. He grabbed your hand delicately as he looked into your eyes. He took a deep breath and gained the courage he was trying to master since the beginning of the evening. 

“I honestly didn’t expect to do this on the porch of our house. I had everything planned. The fancy dinner, the gallery, countless other romantic activities we could’ve done tonight… as you can see nothing went as planned. I tried so hard to find the perfect moment to say this, but there isn’t such a thing. There isn’t because I know that every moment that I get to spend with you is the perfect moment. 

Y/N, I love you. I have loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you, and I haven’t stopped since. I find myself falling harder for you everytime you smile or you laugh, god I would give anything to make you laugh every single day of my life. You are the smartest person I know and I love hearing you talk about the topics that make you happy, wishing I could be one of them. Y/N you are… kind, you are funny, you are the most patient and resilient person I’ve ever known. Baby, you are my everything and I don’t know… I don’t want to know what I’d do without you. 

I want you with me, always and forever. I want to be yours in more ways than one. I want to cherish you and be able to call you my wife, my love, my world. Everything I have, everything I am is yours. You make me a better person and you just make me the happiest man on earth just by staying by your side.

I’m yours, Y/N. In every possible way. Will you be mine? Will you-“

“Yes.” You said breathlessly through the tears. 

“Yes?” 

“Yes! Ashton, yes! A million times, yes” 

You pulled him up from the floor and wrapped your arms around his neck, kissing him like your life depended on it. 

Ashton cupped your face in his hands and deepened the kiss, parting your lips as you both melted to one another. 

“I love you” he said, breaking the kiss to slide the ring onto your finger.

“I love you more”

He chuckled “Not possible” 

You barely make it through the door before you are kissing him again, not being able to stand even a few more seconds without being close to him. Your heart is beating faster than ever, almost bursting out of your chest as you tangled your fingers in his hair, pulling it slightly in a desperate need to have him even closer. 

“Fuck, baby” Ashton groans, cupping your ass and squeezing it as you jump and wrap your legs around his waist “You don’t know what you do to me” he said planting kisses all over your jaw, marking up a trail down your neck. 

You moaned as you felt his lips sucking your sweet spot. Ashton had you pressed against the wall, his mouth clashing with yours, feeling every inch of your bodies as you battled for dominance. You let one of your hands fall and travel to where your lower halves meet, palming his growing erection and earning a low moan from him. With your other hand, you tug on his hair and whispered in his ear “Show me” 

In an instant, Ashton dropped you to the floor and picked you up bridal style, making your way to your shared bedroom. He gently put you down on the bed and kneeled down in front of you. 

He slowly started to undo the straps on your shoes, kissing your legs from your ankles to your knees in an agonizing pace before moving to the other one. 

“So beautiful..” He said, sliding his hands up your body, removing your clothes in the process. 

“Ash..” you whined. Pulling him by the collar of his shirt and disregarding it completely, bringing your lips together. You moaned into the kiss when you felt his fingers brush through your sides, leaving a burning trail of goosebumps wherever he touched. 

“Where’d you want me, baby?” He said, kissing down your body, leaving marks wherever he could, stopping just right above your hip bone. You shivered when his fingers traced along your panties, adding pressure where you needed him most “You’re so wet, my love” He whispered as he hooked his thumbs on the side of them and pulled them off completely. His fingers running up and down your folds collecting your wetness and using them as lube “All of this for me?” 

“Yes” You breathe heavily, moaning as you feel one of his fingers slip inside you. 

“What was that, Princess?” He teased, kissing the inside of your thighs. 

“All for you, Ash. All for-“ You moaned as he inserted another finger inside your hole, setting a pace that already made you see starts “Ash… please” you begged.

“Please what, Princess?” 

“I need you” 

Ashton presses his lips to your clit, kissing and sucking it as his fingers curled up inside you. Your hand made its way to his hair, fingers locking with his curls as you tugged on them, holding him in place. 

You let out a pornographic moan when his fingers brush your g spot, bucking your hips when you felt that tight knot in your stomach, but Ashton put his arm above your hips and held you down. You whispered as you felt him groan against your sex, sending vibration all over your body. 

“You’re close, aren’t ya?” Ashton said as he quickened the pace of his fingers “I can feel you clenching around my fingers, baby. C’mon, let go. Let me hear you, baby” He attached his lips to your clit once again, sucking it hard as your orgasm hit you, moaning his name as you came down from your high. 

Ashton kneeled down on the bed, bringing his fingers to his mouth “Mmh” he moaned as he tasted your juices “Baby, you’re exquisite” 

You quickly sat up as well, smacking your lips against his. Humming into the kiss as your hands started to unbuckle his pants and lowered them down just enough to palm him through his boxers, already feeling the precum leak through the thin fabric. Ashton let out a low moan at your touch, dropping his hand to stop yours.

“But-“

“Later, Princess” He said, bringing your hand to his lips, kissing it softly “I need to be inside you” 

And with that, he pressed his arm around your waist and flipped you over so you were on top of him. You quickly caught his idea as you started tugging down his pants and boxers, taking them off completely, 

“You don’t know how many times I imagined this” Ashton hissed when you speed your legs to each side of his hips, starting to grin on his cock with your bare sex, coating it with your wetness and moaning with delight “You riding me wearing this” He said, grabbing your left hand and kissing your new ring “And only this” 

Your eyes were fixed on him as you stroke his cock and lined it up with your entrance “And how was it?” You asked in a teasing tone. 

He smirked “Just like this” Ashton said, grabbing you by each side of your hips and slowly entering you until he bottomed down “Fucking fantastic” 

You moaned at the stretch, loving how every inch of him filled you up and made you feel whole. Ashton groaned when he felt your walls clench around his cock, letting you adjust to him before you started to move and setting up a pace. 

You started rocking on him, lifting your hips up and down his length as your hands flew to his chest for leverage, nails digging on his skin and leaving marks for you to trace later, a faint memory of the night that Ashton would treasure forever. Your moans grew louder and louder as you started going faster, Ashton’s name became a mantra to your lips as you started chasing your own pleasure. 

Ashton grunted and moaned praises to you, stretching his hands so he could cup your breasts in each one “So fucking right, princess” he said, squeezing your boobs while his thumbs brushed your nipples “So. Fucking. Good. And all mine” 

You moaned loudly at his actions. The feeling of him suddenly becoming too much as he lets go of your breast and grabs you by the hips once more, meeting your thrust and fucking you harder. 

“Say you’re mine” He moaned, digging his fingers into your skin, applying a pressure that will leave bruises later on. 

“Ah- a I’m yours! I’m yours” You said between your panting and your moans. Letting your upper half fall onto him, placing your arms at each side of his face as you let him take control. 

“Yeah, baby... Fuck” He groaned in your ear as he speed up the pace, feeling his release approach with yours “You’re mine. My wife. My princess. My everything.. Fuck” 

“Ashton…” You whined. 

“Come baby, come on my cock. C’mon, I’m right behind you” Ashton said, bringing his lips to yours for a messy kiss, sticking your moans as you came all over his cock. 

You felt dizzy as Ashton fucked you through your orgasm, your whole body trembling against him as he chased his own release. Ashton’s body tensed, his thrusts became sloppier as your walls clench around him, making his cock twitch inside you and filling you with his cum. 

You both sighed heavily, content in your own pleasure as you slowly started making out again. Soft kisses and touches mixed with reassuring words of love filled the room as your post orgasmic daze faded away. Ashton carefully pulled out of you and made his way to the bathroom, bringing with him a small wet cloth to clean you up, peppering kisses all over your body as he did so. 

Once he was done he laid in bed next to you, pulling you to his chest and kissing your forehead.

“You make me the happiest man on the planet” He whispered, not wanting to break the comfortable silence between the two of you “Fuck, baby. I’m so glad you said yes” 

“Was there another option?” You chuckled “Did you really think I would’ve said no?” 

“To be honest, I was a little worried you might” He laughed “It seems stupid now but I was so pissed earlier, I wanted to propose on the restaurant but then I messed up, then I thought that the gallery would’ve been a better option anyways and it ended up beign-“

“One of the best dates of my life?” You interrupted him. Ashton looked at you confused “I had fun today, Ash. I had a great time just being with you and having our own little chaos. And even if you decided to proposed at that McDonald’s I would’ve said yes regardless” You said, placing a small kiss to his lips “Though I’m still pissed about the game” 

Ashton raised his eyebrows “Oh! That reminds me,” He got out of bed and started looking through the clothes that were laying on the floor for his cellphone. Once he found it he came back up and took a picture of your hand with the engagement ring, turning to you with a shit eating grin “I win” 

“What?” 

“I found the lady with the diamond ring!” He said excitedly. You slapped him in the chest “Ouch!”

“So you did cheat!” 

“In my defense I was going to propose right there and there” Ashton said in as a matter of fact way “I was trying to be romantic” 

You rolled your eyes and curled up to him, placing a soft kiss to his chest. His arms wrapped around you and traveled along your back, caressing it softly as you drifted to sleep. 

“Y/N?” He whispered after a while. 

You hummed “Yes?” 

“I can’t wait to marry you” 

You smiled into his embrace “I can’t wait to marry you, either” 

[muqiing]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[mulletcal]

if my heart had a voice - a (bi/aro) calum hood blurb.

a/n: okay so i’ve had this idea in my brain for so, so long and i had hesitated a lot writing it but i’d like to give a special thank you to: @frontmanash​, @softbabiestan​, @sexgodashton​, @goth5sos​, and @irwinkitten​​ for giving me motivation and being so sweet while i wrote this, i appreciate all of you so, so much you have no idea.

this is my first time writing something like this, so i hope you enjoy. it’s a genderless reader insert!

word count: 2.6k

warnings: struggles with romantic orientation, mentions of smut but no actual smut.

---

Friends with benefits - it’s something that sounds easy in theory, but movies and TV shows would lead you to believe otherwise.  Complicated was a word that was often associated with it as well, stating that no two people could simply have sex, that feelings would always end up involved.

That wasn’t the case for Calum, well, not really.  He had met you, and the two of you hit it off right away.  You talked into all hours of the night until the sun came up about anything and everything; he felt heard, he felt appreciated, he realistically felt what most people would deem as a crush, or romantic attraction.  Calum couldn’t bring himself to call it that though, because that’s not how it seemed to him.  It felt natural when the two of you fell into bed together, a tangle of limbs and breathy moans, but he never was drawn to the idea of asking you to be his partner.  You never seemed to mind either, which Calum was grateful for; he had so many questions that constantly circulated through his mind, he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a conversation about why he didn’t want more with you.

Calum’s racing thoughts seemed to never cease, a constant question of why didn’t he want more with you; or simply why he never wanted more with anyone.  His last relationship ended because what he thought was love turned out to be nothing more than just a physical attraction, lips never parted long enough to sort out emotions before it was too late.  Love had been uttered in a fruitless attempt to keep her around long enough to hopefully truly feel something, but it never worked. 

Another Saturday night rolled around, and the two of you had started a movie you never saw the end of, too distracted with exploring each others’ bodies.  Seeing you lie next to him, chest heaving with a small smile on your face brought a smile to his own lips, admiring you basking in the glow from the TV screen.  Calum often wondered what you were like around your other friends, if you made them laugh as hard as he did, or would also text them in the middle of the night with a random thought or meme.  Panic crept up on him at the thought, suddenly fully aware that he could be caught up in some sort of TV trope - did you have romantic feelings for him? Was there a possibility of losing you forever if he didn’t reciprocate the feelings?

His mind couldn’t settle that night, tossing and turning, mind racing at the thought of losing you.  Would he lose you? Banished to a new level of weird and uncomfortable - running into someone in public who you know has seen you naked, or even more seen your face when you’re about to fall over the edge. 

Morning came much too soon, and Calum sighed, glancing over to you as the sun came streaming in through the curtains and casting you in some sort of ethereal glow.  Maybe if he went to make some breakfast rather than staring at you it could help to clear his head.  It wasn’t often that you decided to stay for breakfast, but he hoped that sharing a warm meal together would encourage him or sway him one way or the other - to talk to you, or maybe feel something more romantic towards you.

Stretching as you came into the kitchen, you smiled at the sight of Calum there flipping pancakes, “Eating for two, are you? Calum, is there something you’re not telling me?” You faked a gasp, laughing lightly.  He swatted at you with the spatula, just barely missing you.

Calum knew you could sense something off with him, just by the way you carried yourself about the kitchen, taking a seat at the island.  Your movements were gentle, calculated, as if one small thing could set him off - not that had ever happened, but you were walking on eggshells and he knew he needed to say something.

The two of you ate in silence for the first few minutes, Calum glancing up at you to make sure that you were enjoying the food alright. 

“Can I ask you something?” Calum had stopped eating, a serious expression on his face, causing you to put your fork down.

“I was going to pull the old ‘you just did’ bit but it doesn’t seem like the time for that,” you chuckled, tucking your chair in so you could lean your chin on your hand. “What’s up?”

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

You furrowed your brow, slightly confused, “I’m not following.”

“Like… I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I broke up with my last girlfriend because while I felt a connection and we got along great, the… romance just wasn’t there? I’ve gone on dates, and there’s nothing. I thought it was just that I was going on shitty dates, but then I met you - you have all the qualities I could want in a partner, and clearly I’m attracted to you; but I don’t find myself wanting to be involved… romantically?” Calum was playing with his fingers, not meeting your eyes. “I hope that doesn’t hurt you.”

You laughed lightly, reaching across to take his hand in your own to stop the wringing of his hands, “Calum I’m not offended, not in the slightest. What we have going on is good, but I understand if you want to stop that too.”

“I don’t-” He said quickly, laughing as he scratched the back of his head.  “I feel like it sounds like such a stereotypical dude thing to say that I’m cool with continuing to have sex with no emotional attachment.  Not that I don’t feel anything towards you, I just-”

“Calum, I get it,” You grinned.  “I hope you know I wasn’t here looking for love, yeah? Me and you get on great, and the sex is great.  But if I wanted a boyfriend, I would have told you from the start, I promise.” Your reassuring words had Calum letting out a breath he wasn’t aware that he was holding, squeezing your hand that was still in his.

“I just feel like I’m… Cold, I guess? For not wanting more?”

“Love, you’re the least cold person I know.  You’re so genuine and kind, and you have so much love for your friends and family.  You’re so cuddly, always down to hold hands, or just hold someone if they need to be held. It’d be different if you didn’t show you care, but you do in the ways that matter.”

Your answer seemed to be good enough for Calum, because he went back to eating with a small smile on his lips.

It helped to ease Calum’s worry that he was going to lose you because of how he felt, but the lingering question in the back of his head ate away at him of why he felt the way he did; also, why it was just bothering him now.  So, when you left,  he did what any millennial would think to do: he Googled it. 

He wasn’t sure what to search for at first - it wasn’t something like an ache or pain in his body where you could look up ‘shoulder pain’ and find out you only had 4 days to live.  It seemed much more complicated, to put into words how he felt; but he ended up settling on ‘lack of romantic attraction’, and he was shocked to find that it was, indeed, a thing.  Calum had learned within minutes of his Google search that this wasn’t just a ‘one or the other’ kind of thing, but that there was a whole variety of people.  It made his chest warm to read blog posts of people coming to terms with their romantic orientation, seeing how many had struggles similar to his own.  The term ‘Aromantic’ seemed the most fitting to him, and he liked the idea that maybe one day romance could happen, but if it never did he wasn’t weird for wanting the physical only.

**

It was a few after Calum had come to his realization about his orientation overall, and he found himself as he usually did - in his backyard with Ashton, a couple cups of coffee deep while they both scribbled into their songwriting notebooks.  He knew that none of his friends would judge him, they may be a little confused because no one in their group had “different” romantic orientations - they simply assumed they’d end up with a partner one way or another.

Ashton had been in the middle of a thought when Calum interrupted, “Hey Ash?”

Ashton furrowed his brows, eyes lifting from the page to look at his friend, “Yeah?”

“You ever heard of the term ‘aromantic’?”

“I don’t believe so, why?” Ashton placed his pen inside his book, closing it to give Calum his full attention.

“I’ve been kinda struggling a lot lately, doin’ a lot of self reflection and all that,” He started, letting out a heavy breath before he continued, “It seems like a term that really resonates with me.”

Calum couldn’t really read the expression on Ashton’s face, instead being met with the man’s furrowed brow and fingers lightly drumming on the cool metal of the table. 

“What does it mean?” Ashton was now leaning on his elbows, more engaged in the conversation.

“In like… Simpler terms, it mainly just means lack of romantic attraction.” Ashton’s face read a little confused, but Calum carried on anyway, “I’ve learnt in the last few days that there’s a difference in sexual orientation and romantic orientation.  With my last girlfriend, I thought I loved her, but it was more about the sex than anything. I d’know if it really sums me up, but you know my whole friends with benefits scenario.  I thought it would make sense for me to fall in love with them.”

“But you haven’t? Fallen in love with them, I mean.”

“No, which is what led me to this point to begin with.  If I were to make a list of everything I’d want in a partner, they would check all the boxes.  I do care for them, deeply and genuinely, but it’s not in a romantic sense - more of a ‘you’re one of my best friends in the whole world, and sometimes we fuck’.” Calum hadn’t realized how red he had gotten, but it definitely made him fan himself as he let out a small chuckle, “I’m sorry, that was… A lot of information.”

When Ashton broke out into his signature grin, Calum couldn’t help but to mirror it with his own grin, “Well brother, you know I love you and support you no matter what you choose to do.  I told you I’d help you hide a body, but I do hope it never comes to that point.  Just don’t be an asshole and I’m always here for you.”

Calum laughed again, rubbing a hand over his face, “That made me so fucking nervous man.  When I was thinking about it, I was kinda like ‘this sounds so cold’.”

Ashton cut him off from going any further with a scoff, “We all know that’s the last thing you are.” With that, Ashton reopened his book and continued on with a lyric he was talking about previously; and Calum couldn’t wipe the grin off of his face.

Over the next few days, Calum had told his friends individually - being met with open arms and plenty of questions. Of course he didn’t mind, but it was relieving to him to feel like things were going back to normal, and he was starting to feel more like himself again.  He hadn’t gotten to see you since that morning at his house, but he had texted you to tell you about his new findings - your congratulating text in return, saying how you loved him and were proud of him, had him grinning the rest of the day.

The Fourth of July came quicker than any of them had anticipated, and Calum’s group of friends scrambled to come up with some last minute plans.  You had to work during the day, so you would miss the planned barbeque at Michael’s house, but you would be off in time to meet them at the local park to watch the fireworks that Calum had seen a sign for a few days prior.

There was nothing easier for Calum than being around his friends; and while he knew they accepted him and easily accepted his realization about his romantic orientation, he still worried.  Worried that things would be different, or they would feel the need to treat him differently.  But as he sat there, beer in hand, warmth washed over him when he noticed no palpable tension in the air; instead his ears rang with Ashton’s giggle as he laid on the lawn with South and Moose, wrestling with the two dogs.

With everyone thoroughly fed (and a majority tipsy), they all decided to make the small trek to the park, Calum offering to walk with Moose along the way - his secret favourite of Michaels’ dogs, though he’d never say so.

It was long after they had gotten there did you arrive, the sun finally starting to set to hopefully cut through some of the heat from the day. Moose launched herself at you to signal your arrival, which in turn set off South - before you knew it you were on the ground being bathed in puppy kisses.

“Quite the welcome,” You teased, scooping up South into your arms when the pair had finally eased up.

“They know how to roll out a welcome mat, what can we say,” Calum laughed, pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek, enveloping you in a warm hug.  The hug was more rigid than you were used to from Calum, and it gave you a weird sense of tension off of him.

Sitting down next to him, you frowned when you noticed his breathing was shallow on top of the weird tension that was coming off of him in waves, “Are you okay?” You never hesitated to be honest with Calum, and you’d hoped that he’d be as honest as he was that morning, especially if something was wrong.

Calum nodded, pursing his lips in thought for a beat before finally speaking, “This is just the first time I’ve seen you since that morning, I just wanted to make sure we were good.  I know I haven’t been the best at keeping up communication lately.”

“You were never much of a talker, love,” Your shoulder nudged his, prompting him to look at you.  “We’re good… Never better, I’d say.”

Calum’s shoulders visibly relaxed, his wide, charming smile reappearing on his lips.

“There’s the squishy man I know and love,” You said, reaching your fingers up to pinch his cheeks.  “You gonna come lay here like they’re doing or what?”

Glancing around, Calum saw everyone paired up one way or another, couples and best friends alike had one person leaning against the other; the last bit of sunlight casting a glow over all of them.  A feeling of calm settled over the crowd, and Calum especially - he had waited to feel like he had purpose, waited to feel wanted.  As he settled against you, you began to play with his hair gently; and he understood that his purpose was just to be who he was - a man who loved his friends and family wholeheartedly, to want what was best for others, rather than want for himself alone.

tag list:  @haikucal​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @boyfriend-cal​ @calum-uncrowned​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @atlcalm​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @mantlereid​ @inlovehoodx​ @irwinkitten​ @n-ctarinenga​​ @g-l-pierce​ @thecurlsofgod​

[perriewinklenerdie]

Stars on the canvas (Ethan Ramsey x MC)

Open Heart, Ethan Ramsey x MC

A/N:  Hello, hello, hello! How are we feeling, how's the wife, how's the kids? I rewrote the ideas for this fic at least three times, cause *nothing* was feeling right. And then I got smacked with this... something, yeah, let's call it that.

AO3 link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536652

Tag list: @paleweasels, @kittykatchoices, @valiantlychaoticbarbarian, @radlovedreamer , @usuallyamazinglyaverage, @strawberrwess @palestazure, @cordoniaqueensworld, @universallypizzataco, @princess-geek, @faithhasnowords, @mightyfangirlofthefandoms, @drakewalkerfantasy, @timmagicktoad, @laceandlula, @greywitchyshots, @llamasgrl, @gingerjane15, @bucket-harrington , @marywrites-things , @ethanplaysfavorites , @mfackenthal , @betelgeusebee , @simsvetements,  @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction, @buzz-bee-buzz, @owleyes374, @cora-nova, @aworldoffandoms, @l822, @cream-ray, @ughhhxjazzy, @silverlitskies, @justendlesssummerfeels, @togetherwearerapture, @desmaranj, @edgiestwinter, @friedherringclodthing, @daisy-ashton, @waytooattuned, @choicesgremlin , @lapisreviewsstuff, @the-soot-sprite, @writerapprentice, @chasingrobbie, @choicesobsessedd, @x-kyne-x, @thisperfectmemory, @drakewalker04, @rookie-ramsey, @jlynn12273, @thepinknymph @dr-brianna-casey-valentine, @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @justanotherrookie 

  Enjoy! <3

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„Let’s get those tests run in the morning. Great job, now go home and get some rest. We’ll pick it up tomorrow.” His glasses landed on the table as he said that, gathering the papers that got scattered around him during the meeting.

June was the first one to stand up, leaning down to whisper something to Claire, both of them laughing, after which, she left. Baz was next, bumping fists with the youngest doctor on the team along with throwing a cheesy joke as he walked out of the room.

She hasn’t moved yet, keeping her eyes on research in front of her. She was determined to make sure she had all the facts in her head, that nothing escaped their attention and that she could pick up the case tomorrow morning when she got to work. Her focus, however, suddenly started to falter, at the exact moment in which she felt a pair of eyes on the side of her face. He didn’t say a word, just looked at her in perfect silence.

Claire only intended to look at him for one moment, but as their gazes met, she found herself unable to look away, being locked in a stare that could swallow her whole. Blindly, she closed the book she was reading, then reclined in her seat, a subtle question in her eyes.

“What are you thinking about?” it seemed like a simple enough question in her head, but as soon as she said it, she realized that it was far more complex. Ethan’s face, previously blank and stoic, was now lit up with a gentle smile, reaching and overtaking his blue eyes.

The openness of his actions was surprising to her, even more when he, very hesitantly, like he was afraid she’d run away if he made a wrong move, allowed their fingers to brush against one another before tangling them together, equally slowly and delicately. Claire looked at their hands, her face mirroring his.

It wasn’t an unwelcome move on his part, just a bit unexpected. Some time has passed since the night of the game; since the walls he’d put in place had crumbled like his ability to deny what he very clearly was feeling. While it allowed him to sleep easier at night, without the constant burden of the everyday struggle, it hasn’t meant that he did anything specific about it since that evening. Yes, they were comfortable around each other once again; yes, smiling came easier to him; yes, he’s been thinking about kissing her more than he was willing to admit. Now that he was thinking about it, maybe it was time to do something.

“At what time does your shift end?” he asked, looking up at her. She glanced at the clock on the wall behind him, then brought her gaze back onto him.

“Ten minutes ago.” Her reply was colored by a cheeky grin that got even wider when Ethan smiled mischievously, standing up without letting go of her hand. “Why?”

----------

At first, there was almost complete darkness; so much so, that she could barely make out the outlines of her surroundings. Then the stage lights pierced it, clean lines cutting the dim cloth into pieces. Music joined in soon after, coming in stages. A lone piano, its notes jumping gently across the air; then the strings, weaving their way in between the melody, one by one. Drums appeared later, just in time to uphold the harmony and carry it on. People around them were engrossed in the story from the moment it started, and as actors began appearing on stage, one could see how everyone leaned forward, utterly captivated.

The Opera House.

Claire hasn’t learned Italian since the last time she was there, so the moment the play started, Ethan leaned in and started narrating it for her. It was one of his favorites; that’s why he’s seen it a couple of times. That allowed him to translate and describe to her what was happening on stage without having to look away from her or focusing on it too much. It was the two of them, the music, and his voice in her ear.

Ethan’s full attention was captivated by the way she was engaged in the play while listening and registering what he was telling her. Her facial expressions, the sparkle in her eye, how her fingers tapped on the arm rest of her seat to the beat of the piece they were hearing; they were all casting a spell on him, and what started as him being relatively far away from her, ended with his lips brushing against the shell of her ear with each word he spoke. He couldn’t really tell if it had any impact on her, but it sure had an impact on him.

The lights came back on, announcing the break in the show. Ethan, albeit reluctantly, leaned back into his seat, though he was still looking at her. Her eyes, however, were trained on the stage, all the elements now clearly visible.

“If you look closely at the background, you’ll see the Aquila constellation.” He said after noticing how closely she was looking at the bright spots on the navy canvas. She turned towards him, her eyebrow up in a silent question, clearly out of her element.

Without a moment of hesitation or even thinking about what he was doing, he took her hand and guided her index finger over the sparkling dots, drawing out a shape of an eagle.

He heard people describing touching ‘the right person’ as feeling all bubbly inside. Ethan always found it irritating and downright idiotic. That is, until he touched Claire. He wouldn’t describe it in the same words (he was far too serious and smart for that), but he had an idea of what they meant. His knees went weak and his breathing got elevated. At the beginning, he felt like a fool, but as time went on, he got accustomed to it. He never got used to it, though; he wouldn’t let himself get used to it. That would mean that he also came to terms with his feelings, and at that time it was still a touchy subject.

Now, holding her hand, experiencing the symptoms didn’t scare him or make him feel uncomfortable. To his surprise, he started noticing the same reactions in her. He could hear her breathing getting faster; he could feel her pulse jumping beneath his thumb. His head turned to the side so he could look at her, the movement causing her to mirror his actions. His eyes, recklessly, dropped to her lips, lingering there for a moment too long. She opened her mouth to take a shaky breath, which worked like a charm that broke through the daze he was in. Their gazes met, his determination with her hesitation.

“Are you-“

All the remaining thoughts in her head were wiped clean the second his lips touched hers. They pressed gently and then they were gone. The look in his eyes spelled uncertainty and asked all the questions, to which she gave a barely noticeable nod. His lips are back on hers immediately, much surer this time, though still soft and careful. He’s afraid to jump into it, afraid to overwhelm her or himself with he intensity and the rush.

His other hand slid up her arm, resting on her shoulder, steadying himself against the tide that approached him. As the kiss went on, she inched closer to him, until her fingers ran up to his jaw and her knees touched his. Very faintly, they would be able to hear three warning bells, announcing the end of a break, if they had enough will to focus on anything other than one another. They didn’t notice it, though, so when the lights went out once more, they broke the kiss, surprise on their features. It took them a long moment to orient themselves in their surroundings, noticing with some difficulty that the show had started.

“What were you going to say?” he asked breathlessly, unable to keep the smile off his face. Claire’s answer took her a moment to formulate, during which she ran her thumb up and down the line of his cheekbone.

“I was going to ask if you’re ready, but you kinda answered before I could finish the question.”

“I’m nothing if not an overachiever.” He smirked, squeezing her hand gently as his face gained certainty in its features. “I am. Ready, I mean.”

She nodded softly, turning back towards the stage, pulling on his hand to bring him closer. “You better have more of those kisses for me after the show is over, then.”