#and relaxing to help get energy back is going to make my depression worse

[oneofthestartrips]

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I've barely been able to move or think or focus for days. I wish I knew if it's depression and working out would help. I wish I knew if it was cfs and working out won't help. I just wish I had a manual to tell me what to do to make this stop.

[thestargyal]

12/23: Mars Moonwalks All Over Me

Hello Starlings,

I’m writing to you from the job I’m sure I’ll lose in a month. 2 months tops. I’ll be surprised if I make it through the entire Mars rx transit. Hoping I do because there are few things a Capricorn sun loves more than a consistent check.

I received a kiss of death on Friday - an incoming PIP once we get back from break in January. Their preliminary micro-management has been little help and a lot more of the same corporate bullshit - unrealistic expectations, nitpicking, disclosing my neurodivergence to other teams without my consent. I’ve been silently critical and anti since onboarding, quiet quitting after their third strike with me (TWO late checks) - so I’m not surprised. I’m also no fool - despite my supervisor’s reassurance that there are people on our team who have come off a PIP stronger than ever - almost nobody survives a PIP. After the news, I pivoted from my task list to a LinkedIn job search.

Yesterday I listened to Chris Brennan’s 2025 horoscope for scorpio ( my rising) and he mentioned that this mars retrograde would be going on for the first couple months of the year. It will move from Leo back into Cancer until February 23rd. For us unlucky winter babies born at the top of the year, we’ll carry this moonwalking mars with us through the rest of our year via our solar returns.

For us Scorpio & Aries risings, Mars is our chart ruler - so mars transits are really nothing to play with. Right ahead of the current mars retrograde in Leo - an Aries rising girlfriend of mine abruptly lost a gig for reasons that amount to little more than bullshit. “we love you but…” The longer I listened to her detail the few working days before she got the boot - the more clear it became that she was punished for shining a little too hard. Leo represents shine. I imagine the retrograding Leo mars was right on top of her 5H Leo moon.

Despite the fearmongering, retrogrades are truly not all that scary. In explaining them to the uninitiated, I often lean emphasizing the RE in retrograde. RE-do, revise, rethink, replenish, review, readjust, recreate, relax, remember, rebrand, request, and so on. Retrogrades are part cosmic do-overs, part command for caution. Part of what makes mercury retrogrades so distressing is that our world runs on communication - during a retrograde it becomes much easier to make a blunder that initiates a terrible game of telephone in your life. A Mars retrograde however, can be even more frustrating. It stops forward movement, strips away whatever it is you got going on in the house it is transiting, and yanks you backward. Your energy levels decrease. you feel fuzzy & unorganized, you try to spring forward but something always blocks your movement. Mars rx is calling you to rest & re-strategize. Its a good time to make new plans.

It’s worst manifestation, to me, is the level of inward aggression you can feel with no explanation or proper outlet. I recall one Mars rx transit where I was just pissed. I grew up depressed af, which mars rx can exacerbate given it makes the right aspects to your natal chart, but this was worse. I wanted to fight anyone and everyone, though I knew I couldn’t without reason. And no matter what, I could not focus on anything but frustration. After days of feeling like shit, I opened my astro app to see that mars was retrograding right on top of my natal mars in aquarius - to the degree. From a placidus perspective, it was in the 3rd house - the house of the conscious mind & communication. Be wary of internalizing and carrying around frustration & disappointment during this time, not having an outlet for the increased stressed does you zero good. But, be mindful of how you externalize - consequences for impulsive, aggressive acts is twofold.

In Chris’ video - he mentioned that the retrograding mars, happening in the 10H for us Scorpio risings, represented a turning point in the story of our career. I can only hope he’s right. This year feels like a string of missed opportunities at a strong pivot. But I guess this could be a second chance.

When I received news of my PIP, transiting mars was in my 9H (placidus), 10H (whole signs) of career opposing (stressful connection) my natal mars (ruling my 6H of routine work), and the rest of my stellium in aquarius. Not supportive for keeping a day job, from a whole signs perspective, this rx mars in my 10H is looking at my natal mars and saying “damn b*tch, this really what you want?” From a placidus one, this mars is transiting my 9H of belief & perspective, telling my natal mars that I might be thinking too small. I know it - I left my other media job this year to find my creative self & succumbed quickly to the fear of financial insecurity - blocking most progress I could have made. Leo is a sign of fearlessness - eschewing the idea of sacrificing authenticity for security, as it knows no true security can come from not living in alignment with what you really want.

Transiting rx Mars was also making a trine (beneficial connection) to my natal moon in Sagittarius (ruling my 9H of belief). In my chart, my moon is in the 1st house of self from a placidus perspective - signaling that the change from this retrograde will benefit my true self. From a whole signs perspective, my sag moon is in the 2H of worth & value - signaling that forthcoming change in career, may not only benefit me financially, but also my confidence in the long run. Once mars moves back into cancer, it’ll be in my 9H of higher learning. I’ve already planned on using my time off to upskill, complete a certification that will help me on my job search. Only time will tell.

But enough about me - how is this mars rx treating you? You can tell me all about it, if you’d like. But I also already know - I’ll be posting some mars rx horoscopes soon.

Love, always

stargyal

[spacesapphi]

"Moving Forward, Spiraling Downward Chapter 8- Reset, Restart, Recover"

Sorry for making you guys wait so long for this! It's been a wild time between my jobs and life in general. This is a more mild chapter compared to the last two we've gotten, but I think we needed something small and nice to establish a new setting and characters! As always, thank you guys so much for your support :)

CWs include brief talks of death

Summary: The first day back in Pelican Town is eventful for sure. All Shane wants to do is curl up in bed and rot, but there's so much to do, people to meet, connections to make. After setting up a surprise for Jas, getting a new job, and meeting a future friend, Shane finds he has his own surprise waiting, one that cements the fact that he's truly home.

AO3 Version Here

Tumblr version below the cut!

If Shane had expected any rest or relaxation the next day, he would’ve been sorely mistaken. All he wanted to do was sleep, rid himself of his exhaustion and recoup from the second worst day of his life, but that wouldn’t come to be. There was so much to do, so much to get in order now that he was back in town. No matter how terribly he was doing, the world kept turning, and he needed to move with it. 

The morning had gone by as such a blur, so much happening all at once that he could hardly even remember the details. It was only vague flashes now. Waking up, taking care of the animals, seeing Jas get so excited to be back, eating breakfast, and sending her off for her first day of classes with Penny. He felt so disconnected from reality, like he was having some sort of out-of-body experience the entire morning. He needed a moment, at least a moment, to sit and process it all. So there he sat atop a bale in Marnie’s coop, curled against the corner of the building with a chick in his palms, staring blankly at his hands.

Being in the coop always helped him feel better as a kid. One could often find him holed away in its walls on a bad day, much preferring the company of chickens to people. But it did little to ease him now. Everything was just so heavy on his shoulders, feeling like they would shatter from the pressure. Wasn’t everything supposed to be okay now? Wasn’t he supposed to be happy, thriving even? Why couldn’t he do it? Life would be better now, his future would be better now. So why couldn’t he be happy? Everyone else made it look so easy to get back up on their feet after hitting rock bottom. It made him feel like there was something wrong with him, like he was born with a missing piece he so desperately needed.

“Figured I’d find you in here.”

He could hear Marnie's soft footsteps entering the coop, the touch of her hand on his shoulder, “How are you holding up? You didn’t look so good at breakfast.” 

Shane just shook his head, closing his eyes tight, “Miserable. I should be happy now, right? Everythin’ is okay now, it’s safe. But I’m just-” he cut himself off, exhaling in a frustrated, grumbly tone.

“These things take time, you know that,” Marnie assured, taking a seat next to him on the bale, “You can’t expect yourself to recover overnight, especially with all you told me…”

“But I need to.” he sighed, exasperated and weary, “For Jas especially… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Everythin's okay now but I still feel awful,”

“I wish you listened to me from the beginning,” Marnie sighed, “You should’ve come home years ago, Shane…”

Shane didn’t respond, averting his eyes from her. He was just so tired, he didn’t have the energy to continue rehashing this debate that always went nowhere. He wished he could forget it all, or that he’d wake up any minute and the past few years would’ve been some fucked up nightmare. But this was reality, as depressing as it was. All he wanted to do was curl up under the covers and rot away. But Marnie wasn’t going to let him. She knew from experience that all it did was make things worse. She needed to break him out of this, one way or another.

“You know… why don’t we set up a room for Jas? It can be a little surprise when she gets back!” she mused, “I think she’d like that,”

“She’d love it.” Shane whispered. 

“Besides, it’ll get your mind off things for a bit, right?” Marnie asked, “I think you could use a distraction,”

“... I guess. Sure.”

Marnie had to all but drag him up off the bale, giving him a moment to set down the chick before they got going. She took a careful look at him, frowning at the sight. He looked so sullen, a husk of himself, even in one of his favorite places on the ranch. She hated seeing him like this, and wished it could be all better now, just as he did. But healing took time, and she knew that well. Today wouldn’t fix anything, but it could be that first step forward. She was going to make sure of it. She patted him on the shoulder, speaking softly, “Come on, now,”

As the two began to walk to the main house, Marnie caught a glimpse of the chick trying to follow them out, staying close next to Shane’s feet the entire time they walked. It refused to leave his side, looking up at him almost in a state of wonder. A little laugh escaped Marnie, “I think you made a good impression on little Charlie already!”

“Charlie?” 

“Cute, isn’t it?” Marnie smiled.

 “A little silly for a chicken, but yeah…” he smiled a bit, “That’s cute,”

Shane looked down, watching as Charlie circled around him, little excited peeps ringing out through the coop. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched the little chick run around, so happy and carefree. What a wonderful thing it must be to be one, to have no worries, no fears. 

Marnie was already well into the house, the door shut behind her to avoid risking any of the chickens running inside. They could be such little escape artists, the troublemakers they were. It seemed Charlie was just the same, intent on following her newfound friend inside. Shane stooped down for just a minute, whispering softly, “I’ll come back later, okay? I’ll bring sweet corn too. Promise,” That seemed to get the little one to calm down, finally sitting still in one spot and watching patiently as he walked through the door, finding his way over to Marnie.

“I couldn’t have both of you just staying in the guest room, it wouldn’t be right,” Marnie stated, opening the door to the space connected to the living room, “What kind of aunt would I be if I treated you just as a guest?”

Shane peeked his head in, immediately inhaling a cloud of dust that swirled inside and hacking up a lung. The room had once been a beautiful bedroom, bright paint on the walls and fancy decorations filling its space. But over the decades it had slowly been transformed to be used as storage, full of hay bales, barrels, lumber, and all sorts of tools. The walls were dull and dust-coated now, rendering it unrecognizable from its original state.

Marnie stepped in, putting her hands on her hips as she looked around the room, making mental notes of everything they could do to spruce it up, “It’ll take some work, but we can get it done before she’s back!”

“Where are we gonna put all this though?” Shane questioned, motioning to the piles and piles of stock. Marnie shrugged, “Living room, I suppose… Not many other spots, are there?”

“You’re gonna put hay by the fireplace? Is that safe?” Shane questioned, looking just a bit uneasy, “And what about the furniture?”

“Oh, we’ll figure it out later,” Marnie stooped down to grab a bale, hoisting it high as she could with a grunt, “Now are you going to help, or just stand there and ask questions?”

Shane rushed over, grabbing the heavy bale from her arms and pulling it through the door himself, feeling his arms strain at the weight, “You’re going to hurt yourself, aendi, let me do it,” he scolded. Marnie just rolled her eyes, giving him a wry smile as she snatched up another bale, “Oh please, I can handle myself. I’m old, not helpless.”

The two spent hours lugging everything out, dragging furniture into Jas’ new room, and cleaning the place thoroughly. It seemed like everytime they thought they were done, a new layer of dust would come to coat the walls again, erasing their progress. It was a struggle, but eventually the two of them had every surface bright and shining, the pink paint on the walls finally visible once more. The room was barebones now to be sure, filled with merely the most basic furniture, but it was a perfect template to build a space Jas would lose her mind over.

But with all that heavy lifting, Shane was already feeling incredibly spent. He was sitting on the floor, leaning his back against a barrel as he caught his breath. Oh, he hated this. He remembered back to his varsity days, how he could go through hours of grueling training and still have the energy for a fun night out on the town. What happened to him? He felt like such a weak old man now, something he shouldn’t be feeling at merely 30, especially when his aunt was still flitting about with a spring in her step. She noticed him sprawled out, a concerned look growing on her face as she stooped to his level, “Are you okay, schatz? You don’t look so good…”

He nodded quickly, waving it off, “Just tired… dunno what my problem is..”

“You’ve had a difficult few days, it’s understandable,” Marnie assured, “But once you’re ready, I could use your help in the attic. I have something up there that I think Jas would love.”

Shane furrowed his brow, forcing himself up, “Like what?”

He followed Marnie upstairs, finding the attic to somehow be impossibly dustier than the storage room, a thick cloud of it billowing in the air as Marnie opened the trap door. She waved it away from her face, stepping cautiously over the floorboards to a large tarped item in the corner. Removing it in one quick flick, she revealed a fancy old dollhouse sporting a bright purple roof. Tiny porcelain dolls sat atop the wooden furniture, posed as if they were stuck in time since they’d last been played with.

“I’ve kept just about everything of our family’s.” Marnie mused, “This was me and your mother’s, from when we were Jas’ age! It’s old, I know, but she’d like it right?”

“Yeah!.. But.. ” Shane took a moment to look around the room, seeing bins and boxes stacked all the way to the roof, “Why’s there so much up here? It’s… a lot.” Marnie was right, just about every item this family had owned had to be up here in the attic. It was a miracle the ceiling hadn’t caved through already, honestly. 

Marnie just shrugged, “You know I’m sentimental… It’s hard to get rid of memories when it’s all you have left,” 

Shane nodded in response, knowing all too well what that felt like. There was a silence between them for a moment, solemn and tense, before Marnie clasped her hands together, “Well… no use in dwelling on it right now. Let’s get this to her room,”

The two of them hauled the antique down the stairs and began filing in Jas’ belongings, watching as the barebones room slowly transformed into one any child would be jealous of. A closet full of adorable clothes, a canopy over the bed, shelves full of toys and dolls, and the grand dollhouse sitting against the back wall.

It was time for just the finishing touches now, Shane carefully arranging Jas’ plushes at the foot of the bed, trying to remember the way she liked to keep them organized. She was insistent that certain ones needed to be sat together or else they’d get sad, and he could only hope he remembered the right arrangements. 

Eventually it was ready, set up perfectly, and just in time! Shane felt a faint smile creep up on his face, one sourced from a sense of pride and accomplishment. After so long, Jas finally had a space just for her. Hell, the room was almost as big as the old apartment on its own. She deserved it though, truly. After all she’d gone through, all she put up with, she deserved to have something nice like this. 

“Do you think she’ll like how it looks?” Marnie questioned, looking nervously around the room, “I haven’t seen her in so long, I’m not sure what she’d like…”

“If it’s got anythin’ cute and fluffy, Jas loves it,” Shane assured, giving her a smile, “She’ll be so happy when she sees this… Thank you, for everything.”

Marnie wrapped an arm around his shoulder, holding him close, “Oh don’t you mention it… I’m just glad I could finally do this! You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do this.”

“Yeah…” Shane trailed off. He looked up to the clock, seeing just how much time had passed since they started. It was well into the afternoon, just about the time he’d normally be picking up Jas from her old school, “You think I should go get Jas yet?”

“You still have some time,” Marnie thought for a moment, “Oh, maybe you can stop at Joja first, speak to the manager about the stockboy job! You remember what I told you to say, right?”

“I’ve been working with you for a few years now and they can call to verify,” he repeated, “I remember,”

“Good! Best of luck to you, schatz,” Marnie quickly fixed his hair, looking him up and down to make sure he was presentable, and walked him to the door. She felt just a bit anxious doing so, watching him intently as he walked into town. Part of her wasn’t certain that he wouldn’t just run off again, that he wouldn’t grab Jas and leave to Yoba knows where, cutting off contact yet again. Deep down she knew it was a silly fear, that he was here to stay and that was final. They just spent the entire day setting up a living space for Jas, after all. 

But she couldn’t shake the feeling even still. None of this felt real, or permanent. All night she had been checking the guest room, almost obsessively so, to make sure he wouldn’t run off again. Everytime she twisted open that door knob she was afraid she’d walk into an empty room yet again, and part of her feared she wouldn’t watch him and Jas walk back through that door today. She refused to leave the doorway until she was certain he was well into town, her fears just mildly calmed.

Shane wished he had better clothes to wear for this. Marnie had always harped on the importance of dressing well for an interview, or for anything to do with a job. A first impression was everything, after all! But the nicest thing he had now was an ill-fitting sweater and some black jeans, a pair of scuffed sneakers as his only footwear. He looked a mess, he knew that, but it was the best he could do for now, at least until he had a little cash to his name. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he kept his head down as he walked through town. He desperately hoped no one would pay him much attention, that he would be able to reach the store with little interruption. He was already feeling irritable, he didn’t need anything else to make it worse. 

As he trudged on, he passed the little blue house by the river, the one belonging to that sweet old couple in town who’d been living there as far back as he could remember. There was some tall young man he didn’t recognize standing outside, fumbling around with a gridball as he leaned against the wall, trying his best to look cool. He donned a bright green and yellow varsity jacket, one he recognized well as the one belonging to the local highschool’s team. After all, he had one just like it tucked away somewhere in storage. 

It was a good thing Shane didn’t recognize him. If they didn’t know each other, the less likely it was for him to be stopped, to be bothered. Unluckily, the man did recognize him. He couldn’t exactly place it just yet, but he just felt it, he knew Shane from somewhere. He racked his brain, watching as Shane lumbered further and further away, until it finally clicked. 

“Are you Shane Yoder?!”

Dammit.

Shane stopped in his tracks, looking back towards the young man with utter confusion, “Do I know you?”

“No, but I know you!” the young man was beaming, looking absolutely starstruck, “Man, I heard all about how you were on the field in highschool! The first guy from the valley to get a full-ride gridball scholarship for ZCU too, you were awesome!”

“I… I have to-”

“I just wanted to say I’m a big fan, huge fan actually! I really looked up to you!” he held out his hand expecting a handshake, a huge grin on his face, “I’m Alex, by the way! Alex Mullner. I’m gonna go pro too!”

Shane pursed his lips, looking very disconcerted. On one hand, he didn’t want to be an asshole to this kid, especially after all the praise that had been showered on him. On the other, he really didn’t want to be thinking about his gridball era right now. He tried his best to be kind, awkwardly shaking his hand and turning back towards the river. Jojamart was just over the bridge, he was so close. 

“Man, I watched all of the ZCU Hawks games in middle school, you guys were amazing,” Alex mused, “You and that team captain, just…. Wow… I can’t believe you’re back here, thought you both would go pro! Do you still talk to him?”

“… No.”

“How come?”

“I don’t think that’s your business, is it?” Shane snapped, shooting him a glare. Alex looked shocked, hurt even, stepping back cautiously, “Oh… sorry, I- sorry,” he sheepishly walked backwards, holding up his hands defensively and entering his house without another word. Shane was left on his lonesome in the yard, instantly feeling sorry for himself. 

“Yoba, I’m a fucking asshole,” he thought to himself, once again lumbering towards Jojamart. He had to break that habit, getting defensive over the littlest things, especially when someone didn’t even intend to upset him. He could be so quick to anger, another vice of his that he was well aware of. It wasn’t that kid’s fault, Shane knew. How the hell was Alex supposed to know Jay was dead? He just asked a simple question, a question aimed towards someone he looked up to. 

Huh. The thought was funny to him, honestly. The thought that someone might’ve looked up to him or want to be like him was… unbelievable to say the least. He didn’t think he was anyone special, anyone worth idolizing. Not anymore, at least. That version of himself died years ago, leaving whatever sorry excuse for a man he was now to pick up the pieces.

He finally made it into the store, hearing the little droning chime as soon as the sliding doors opened. Jojamart looked so… bleak inside. It was colored in that sterile off white and blue, smelling strongly of chemical cleaner, bright industrial lights on the ceiling. It looked almost otherworldly, in the worst way possible. The store was seemingly empty, only some exhausted red-headed girl at the registers and some overly chipper older man at the customer service counter. He was dressed in a full suit, round glasses perched on his nose, a large nametag reading “Morris” on his jacket. His eyes lit up the moment he saw Shane, waving him over wildly. 

“Good evening! Did you come in to get a Jojamart membership? Only 5,000g, no trouble at all!”

“I… no, sorry,” Shane apologized. Morris frowned, looking particularly frustrated, “I see… You know, Mayor Lewis offered to hand over that old community building to us if we got another sign-up, so if you ever change your mind…” he trailed off. 

“Nevermind, what can I help you with, if you’re not here for a membership?” Morris asked, raising a brow, “We have anything you could need!”

“I was actually wonderin’ if that stocking position is still open?” Shane asked. He couldn’t see it, but the girl at the counter made a face of such relief, looking like she was praying a thank you to Yoba. Morris grinned wide, “Well yes, of course!”

“I have a reference if you nee-”

“You’re hired!”

Shane blinked, completely not expecting that response. This felt too easy, like it was a trap. He didn’t even get to finish his sentence, he didn’t even get to tell Morris his name. Morris could sense his unease and distrust, immediately waving it off. 

“No one in this bumpkin town likes to work, it seems,” he sneered, his face bitter and resentful, “A lazy lot, they all are. I’ve only been able to get Claire over there and that boy Samson…Trust me when I say you’ve made me very relieved.”

Morris took one good look at Shane, peering up and down before ducking under the counter, “I’ll put in an express order for your uniform, have it ready by Monday. You can have this for now.”

He slid over a folded blue hoodie, giving Shane a well-practiced customer service smile, “Welcome to the Joja family!”

Eugh, that made Shane wince inside. He knew well that any company that referred to themself as a “family” was instantly a red flag, and Joja wouldn’t be any different. He tried to be grateful even still. He had a job, one that would likely be yet another shitty dead end, but it was something. It wasn’t like he was in any spot to be picky now, anyways. He attempted to give Morris an appreciative smile, as fake as it was, trying to make a good first impression on his new boss. 

“I’ll be in Monday, thank you, really,”

“First thing in the morning, bright and early!” Morris chimed, “We’re happy to have you!”

Walking out of the store, Shane stared down at the jacket in his hands. The material was awfully cheap and rough, an itchy feeling beneath his fingertips. Oh well, it wasn't like he could complain about a free hoodie, especially when it was getting cold like this. He just shrugged and slipped it on, silently cursing as the sleeve ripped at the shoulder the moment he slipped his arm inside. Of course. Just his luck. 

He didn’t expect that to be so… easy, though. In the city getting a job was one of the biggest challenges he’d ever gone through. Employers loved to make people jump through hurdles and hoops for the simplest positions. He felt like he was getting pranked now, not believing his luck. Having something good come to him so easily was rare, after all.

He made his way down to the museum where Penny taught, happy to find it was mere yards away from work, a perfect walkable distance. Penny stood outside chatting with some man he didn’t recognize, Jas running around and playing with a red haired little boy, their laughs echoing through the air.

“Good,” he thought,”She’s already making friends,” 

He shoved his hands in his pockets and lumbered his way over, leaves crunching beneath his feet. Jas immediately saw him, pulling away from her new friend to run towards him, “Uncle Shane, Uncle Shane!”

She ran into his arms, laughing wildly as he lifted her up, tossing her just a bit in the air, “It was the best day ever!” she grinned, kicking her legs in the air, “Ms. Penny ‘n Sam are so cool, and I got a new friend!”

“Sounds like you’re all settled in then,” Shane smiled, “Is Sam your friend?”

“No, Vinny is!” Jas pointed back towards the small group, directly towards the man Penny had just been chatting with, “That’s Sam!”

He looked to where she had pointed, seeing the man she called Sam begin to approach. He had to be in his early 20’s, bright eyes, a smile on his face that could make anyone’s day. His hair was styled into a mullet, spiked and wild, piercings dotting his ears and face. He could appreciate the style, recognizing it as something he’d wear when he was that age.

Sam held out his hand, somehow managing to smile even wider than before, “Hey, nice to see a new guy in town! I’m Sam, and this lil guy-” he reached down to ruffle the boy's hair, getting a laugh out of him, “- is Vincent! Glad he’s finally got someone his age to be his friend here!”

Shane reluctantly held out his hand in return, briefly shaking Sam’s before he resigned back into himself. He didn’t understand how someone could be so… cheerful like that. Not even Emily had that air about her. Sam tilted his head just a bit to the side, catching a glimpse of the embroidered “J” on Shane’s hoodie. 

Sam motioned to the same “J” on his own hoodie, “Oh no way, you’re working at Joja now?! Me too! I’ll see you there Monday probably! We’re gonna be great pals, right?” Sam spoke a mile a minute, nearly tripping over his words, “We’ve been hopin’ that stock job would be taken soon, me and Claire hate doing it. Not that you will! It’s just a lot, y’know?”

Shane blinked, nodding slowly as his mind finally caught up to the barrage of words, “Yeah… yeah sure, buddy.”

“Sweet!” Sam replied. He looked down to Vincent, “We should get back home though, huh Vince? Almost dinner time.”

“Aww…” Vincent winced, “But mom’s makin’ lentil soup again!”

“C’mon, you gotta learn to like it sometime. Let’s go!” Sam turned back to smile at Shane and Jas, “It was really nice meeting you two, though! See you at work… uh…. Huh, I never asked your name,”

“It’s-”

“Wait, lemme guess…!” Sam held up a finger, making a face as if he was deep in thought for just a moment. He smiled again, a look of pure triumphant confidence on his face, “... Gary!”

“... What.” 

“... Was I close?”

“Not even a bit.” Shane sighed, “It’s Shane… just- you can call me Shane.”

“Huh..” Sam shrugged, “Dunno, you looked like one to me… Shane’s cool though, I like it! See you at work this week, man!”

He motioned for Vincent to follow, the pair walking off towards their home with a spring in their step. Shane could only shake his head. What an… odd guy. Maybe he was just jaded, maybe Sam was normal and he was just some miserable asshole, but damn Shane hadn’t been used to that kind of genuine positivity and joy from anyone other than Jas. Maybe working with him in the future could allow for that positivity to rub off on him, make him feel a little less hopeless than normal. 

He looked down to Jas, motioning himself towards the ranch, “We should get back too, huh? Aendi and I have a big surprise for you!”

“Really?!” Jas’ eyes lit up, “What is it?!”

“If I tell you it won’t be a surprise anymore! Now why don’t we head back?”

“Okay…” Jas agreed, feeling just a bit disappointed she didn’t know the surprise just yet, “Can I tell you about today?”

“Don’t see why not!” a small smirk found its way onto Shane’s face as Jas immediately burst into a grand story about her day. 

Penny had spent most of the day finding what curriculum would be best for her, and Jas found herself very proud and boastful of the fact that Penny thought she was advanced for her age, bumping her up to a second grade course level already. Shane couldn’t help but feel that same pride. Jas continued to ramble about the day, about how fun Vincent was to play with. The kids at her last school were nice too, but he just seemed to understand her more, and she liked that! She could tell they were going to be good friends. 

Seeing Jas look so vibrant and joyful as she rambled made Shane feel so happy… but also so guilty. She had what she needed here, but she was only getting that just now. His own selfishness had deprived her of the experience she could’ve had in Pelican Town, and he was worried it hindered her in some way. She was already so advanced, so smart emotionally and intellectually, but could she have been better? Penny had recognized how smart she was so fast, and was already giving her a near one on one teaching experience that was sure to help her excel. Could she have been some genius if he had just admitted he needed help all that time ago? He tried so hard to not focus on the past, as hard as that was. There was nothing he could do about it now, after all. All he could change was the course of his and Jas’ future, and hopefully change it for the best. 

“Are you and Sam friends yet?” Jas asked, tilting her head just a bit. Shane laughed shortly and shook his head, “Not yet, no. I just met him, Jassy,”

“Why? Me ‘n Vincent are friends already!” she exclaimed, “And we just met too!”

“It’s different when you’re older, it takes more work,” Shane explained, shrugging his shoulders, “You’ll get it when you’re a grown up,”

Jas folded her arms and huffed, “Well I’m never gonna be a grown up! Then I can have aaaall the friends I want!”

“You do that!” Shane laughed. 

The pair made it back to the ranch, Shane fumbling with the door’s handle as he stepped inside. Marnie awaited the two of them in the foyer, the warmest smile on her face as soon as she saw them. She looked beyond excited, surely for the surprise they had set out for Jas. 

“What’s the surprise?!” she asked, scrambling over to meet Marnie, the biggest smile on her face. She was doing all she could to not bounce off the walls, especially with all the suspense that had built on the way over!

“Say hi first, Jas. Don’t be rude,” Shane scolded. Jas nodded in understanding, her expression slumping just a bit, “Sorry..”

“Oh it’s alright, sweetheart,” Marnie mused, stooping to her level to look her in the eye, “Do you want to go see now?”

“Yeah!” Jas all but screeched, following Marnie over to the door. She could only imagine what was on the other side. Maybe new dolls, bunny jewel slippers, all the craft supplies she could ever need. The suspense was practically killing her. Turning the handle and looking inside, she couldn’t believe the sight before her. 

“This is mine…?” she asked in a whisper, looking around the room in awe. It was perfect, beyond her wildest imagination. There was a cautious excitement about her, waiting for confirmation before she got her hopes too far up. Shane gave her a nod, and that’s all she needed to lose it. She burst out into excited laughter, running around the room to look at everything. It was more than she could have ever hoped for, her own space, just for her! 

Shane and Marnie looked on in glee as she ran around the room, pointing out every little detail and decoration that she could see. Everything excited Jas, the entire idea of just having her own room made her happy beyond belief. She felt like she was dreaming, looking at all the new outfits, toys, and the beautiful decorations that had been set up just for her. 

She ran back to Shane and Marnie, hugging them both and squealing out plenty of “thank you’s” to the two of them before running back to play with the dollhouse that stood in the back. Shane gave Marnie a smile, looking very proud of himself, “Told you she’d like anything if it was cute,”

Marnie nodded in agreement, letting an amused sound escape her, “I have something for you too, you know,” she nudged Shane’s arm, motioning for him to follow her, “Why don’t we go look?”

“You didn’t have to do something for me too, aendi,” Shane mused, following her to the kitchen. Marnie turned to give him a less than impressed look, placing her hands on her hips with an exaggerated motion, “Do you ever know how to accept a gift? I know I taught you better than this,”

“I-”

“The proper response would be ‘thank you aendi, this is very thoughtful and you’re my favorite aunt in the world!’... Do you want to try again?” her tone verged on joking, but had a tint of seriousness behind it. 

“You’re my only aunt,” Shane reminded her, a sheepish smile on his face. 

Marnie rolled her eyes, “Oh don’t you get smart with me now…” she pointed to the door, her expression melting into one of joy, “Just through here, come on,”

Opening the door to the guest room, Shane was taken aback by the scene inside. What was once just furnished with only 2 beds and a nightstand had transformed into a full room, one built especially for him. A tv set up with his old gaming console sat in one corner, his bed in the other. A vintage lamp sat next to a plush red couch by the door, a yellow glow basking the room. Decorations were sparse, only a collectors gridball near the tv, some memorabilia and photos on the wall, and the box of memories he cherished so much. It was simple, but it made him feel so emotional, his chest tightening from just looking at the sight. He hadn’t had his own space in almost five years now, there wasn’t anything that was just his. And though it wasn’t much, especially compared to Jas’ room, it meant everything to him. There was something that was his, and his alone, and he couldn’t ask for more.

“I worked on this as soon as you left,” Marnie chimed in, voice filled with pride, “I know it’s not much, but I tried to make it as nice as I could for you,”

She pulled a box from behind her back, an even wider smile on her face, “Then there’s this, of course!” 

Shane nervously took it in his hands, opening the lid to find that special jersey sitting inside, still neatly folded just as he left it a year ago. He placed a hand atop it, resting along the varsity number on its front. The note he’d left on top of it was long gone, but Shane still believed the message he wrote. He shook his head, feeling his eyes grow glossy.

“I still don’t deserve this… any of this.”

“Of course you do…” Marnie sighed, “You have to forgive yourself already. I did so a long while ago... Let yourself have som-”

Her words were cut-off mid sentence as Shane pulled her into a tight hug. He couldn’t make out any words, far too choked up to even try. Marnie knew that well, and knew exactly what he wanted to say if he could speak. She returned the hug, holding him tight as she smiled, “You’re welcome,”

It would take Shane quite some time to forgive himself, to learn how to care about himself again. But it felt possible now, as awful as things were. This room, this gesture of kindness, it was proof that things would be okay. Not today, but someday. It would be a long time until things were, but this was just the start he needed.

[xikisilly]

Don't read this post. I just needed to vent somewhere and texting on my phone seemed most accessible right now. I don't seek sympathy nor advice. I'm just trying to process my thoughts and feelings.

I wish I could just push myself to focus on studies I'm passionate about. To learn more everyday just as much as I want to. I love my major and all the books and topics are so interesting.

When I'm already in the zone it's quite easy to focus and study and do all the uni shit.

it's the everyday life activities that are hard. Deciding what to eat when I have no appetite nor energy or motivation to prepare food. Deciding what to wear to feel comfortable that exact day, when everyday different clothes feel comfortable both mentally and physically. Talking to people when I'm so used to loudly masking as someone cool and energetic (I have no energy). Riding to uni and back...

and the mental things could be probably resolved already bc I'm on meds and I've been to therapy (now looking for a new therapist)

But there's everyday excruciating pain...pain that I'm already used to having since I was like 13. It's getting worse everyday. I have some undiagnosed sickness or disabilty, and going every other week to doctors who belittle my problems or struggle to diagnose me.

It's just tiring to live with an excruciating pain, trying to live a somehow normal life when I have no access to proper medical care (painkillers don't really work at this point)

I can't even rest or relax. Crocheting? my joints hurt. Sleeping? my back and muscles hurt. Drawing? joints hurt, eyes hurt and my vision (even with glasses) is blurry.

I can't do sports that I love at this point. My scooters and skiing gear just dusts in the corners of my room. How can I do sports when even standing makes my heart race. At this point I wish I knew if I'll ever be able to skii or run or skate again...or should I just grief and sell my gear. It's so painful to wish to do what I love when it's not sure if I'll ever be able to do it again. Uncertainty hurts.

Can't remember when I woke up without pain and well rested. Good sleep schedule, meds, melatonin, drinking enough water, meditation, yoga, okay eating habits...nothing, nothing makes me feel better. I still wake up and need a long while before I stand up. I'm so tired all the time

I want to live. I have dreams. I love studying my major. I love reading books. I love people in my life. I'd love to do so many things now and in the future... But my bodys awful condition makes my brain miserable. I've lost my appetite. I don't want to go to sleep, but when I sleep I don't want to wake up.

Yes, yes I am depressed right now. The only thing keeping me sane is learning which seems kinda bizarre.

Is wanting proper medical care so I can focus on life and not on never stopping pain so much to ask?

Nobody really takes my condition seriously since it's invisible. How can I be in excruciating pain when I can walk and be at every lecture and hang out with people with a smile on my face.

I'm even ashamed to take my walking aid to uni, it would cause questions and unwanted conversation.

Anyways on monday I'll be contacting therapists. Thursday I got MRI...so uhh fingers crossed that I'll get some help. Because if I won't pass this semester I'll lose all my will to live.

I want to live. I'm just so tired of the pain.

[psychicwindow]

Why is it so difficult to breakup?

Even when a relationship is bad it can be hard to let go. I get a LOT of questions about how to deal with breakups in my free psychic question, free psychic reading email

The issues are twofold. First, nature created a chemical attachment to our partners so we are literally “addicted” to our them. Tise is so we will still feel responsible to the person who before birth control, would be the parent and provider to our children, hence encouraging the health and well being of families. The second is that we have connection through our life force , Or Chi, or energy bodies that makes us ” feel them” even when they are not around. I find that this is often stronger in women although men however, do feel it. They are just sometimes less in tune with their emotions.

Never fear women, there is a way to connect to your ex using this life force and his emotions ( if you want him back) and because he is often an emotional idiot , he will be even more acceptable.

However, if you want to let go, it can be difficult and takes time.

Everyone feels depressed and low after a breakup. Especially if it was a long term relationship that you were placing your hopes of the future on.

It makes you sad, causes you to have trouble sleeping, can make you feel tight in the chest, as if you sometimes have trouble breathing. What is worse is your friends don’t understand what you are going through and just want you to “get over it” which is not something that you are going to do easily, if at all so soon after the breakup.

You are emotionally and intuitively, connected to this person and it creates a painful, physical reaction. You have had your love ripped away from you and your heart aches, your gut hurts, you keep having dreams about them and you cannot, no matter how hard you try, get them out of your head. The good news is if you are wanting to find ways to stop the pain, there are products that can help.

If you are not into taking prescription medications there is a product called “Relax All” That can relax you to help you get over the stress and bring on sleep. I also find that Ashwaganda is great for calming the nerves and raising the spirits during this time..

You may be able to find online or in a health food or herb store and it does really help. So does a product called SAMEE that you might be able to get in the grocery market or health food store.

Relax All helps with the onset of fear of loss and the stress, and tightness in your chest as well as the sleep issues that come with a breakup. SAMEE helps your brain to start making serotonin, or the happy chemical that you are not getting now. It is a natural and safe antidepressant. I suggest that you take it in the AM, on an empty stomach, 30 minutes before breakfast.

If you are only going to get one , I would recommend the “relax all”. It is pretty potent. Can make you loopy or give you a buzz if you take enough:) But Ashwaganda is also really good at relaxing the nerves and lifting your spirit, which as we all know is an serious issue if going through a breakup from a long term love.

Even if you have decided that this person is bad for you and you really want to get away from them, it can be difficult to remove them from your spirit and memory. I find that often the best way is to find new activities in which you can go out and make new friends. Social interaction my be difficult immediately after the breakup, but if you have come to terms with the idea that you really do not want to reunite with this person, then finding new social circles really helps. It can give you the realization that you can find someone who has something in common with you and, well it gives you new people to connect to to fill that “hole” in your life and heart …

[enchantingcoffeecheesecake]

(2/2 of emotional damage)

A few weeks passed, and everyone was settling into newer patterns. Alice was a damn beast after exercising nearly daily, and had grown hir hair out a bit, finding that it was a bit easier to manager now. Devon had been doing the same, letting her hair grow out more and more and really settling into a style that she enjoyed. (Nani did come visit a few times, but was never in a good spot for screenshots, but she's still in this story!)

There was a real shock when Ashly's dad stormed into the Ware house and began screaming at everyone, and scolded and yelled at Ashly with no reason. The whole family banded together and threw him out, and this situation definitely cemented that Ashly moving in with the Wares was a good idea.

Devon and Ashly became good friends, and Alice told Devon how proud ze was of her progress and her confidence in herself.

There's a gap in screenshots, but after this scenario, Grace fell back into another depressive episode, this one worse than before. She was just completely melancholic, and nothing would touch it. She went to therapy every day, and every session went poorly, and it never seemed to end. She made efforts to support both her children and Ashly, and did smile for them, even if she was still pessimistic. She was constantly talking about her fears with Bridget, who worked to reassure her, and it would seem like there was a glimmer of hope, but nothing changed.

She wasn't sleeping at night, and seemed to only be able to restore her energy bar while floating in the pool, and would just go out there multiple times every single day. It did help at first, but then it stopped helping.

She would stay out there for longer, and longer, and finally, on Prank Day, no less, she apparently went to relax in the pool while her energy bar was in the red, and drowned.

Bridget had just made dinner and came outside and witnessed her death.

The twins and Ashly followed after.

Her tombstone was moved to the side of the house (it spawned right by the pool, which I get, but it felt so rude), and Devon and Ashly went to mourn, but Bridget and Alice immediately went inside to cry it out in their beds.

--I did almost step away from my computer right then, I was actually sad about this, it really shocked me when the screen focused on Grace suddenly, and she was dying--

The following day was quiet, but the emotions were high everywhere. Bridget was trying to drink the pain away, and was either sleeping, crying, or making a drink. Devon was a wreck, constantly crying and standing out by her mother's gravestone multiple times, even when I tried to make her go inside. Alice was despondent, but was trying to pick up the slack for everyone. Ze cooked for everyone, cleaned every inch of the house, and couldn't complete a social interaction to save hir life. Ashly finally got through to hir and finally took hir to sleep after talking with hir and comforting hir. Ze needs to allow hirself to grieve, and can't replace hir mother.

Nani visited, and offered to make some food for everyone, but accidentally set the stove on fire. Devon rushed in and extinguished the fire before it could spread, and helped clean up the mess afterward. Nani decided the best way to help after this would be to just be moral support, at least until she raises her cooking skill.

Following this event, Ashly brought all of them to sit and talk, and they all acknowledged that they were grieving, and they did need to grieve in their own ways, but they also needed to support each other. Of course, this was a unanimous agreement, but Bridget is still deeply affected by this-- having lost the love of her life-- but she is not expressing this to the twins or Ashly.

She left the conversation and went back to what was now her room and sat on her bed, quiet for a moment, before going to sleep again.

I was not ready for any of these emotions, and I am devastated that Grace and Bridget had their dream of growing old together and playing with their grandbabies together ripped away from them.

I already know Bridget won't marry again, she was a loyal sim, and I don't think she'll be able to fall in love again. Time will tell, I suppose, but my next goal is to help them all come out of this without any more death.

[mdhwrites]

Have you read The Raven & The Owlet? Very good very long Lilith & Luz fic by Soulfyre, Lumischa endgame

So I'm going to make this a sad one. I don't have to. My response could just be "Yay, Lumischa! But I haven't read it, sorry and it being long means I'm unlikely to get to it." But... I haven't properly finished a story in six years that wasn't my own. At least. And if that sounds insane to you, well... Have you ever read one of my blogs and just gone "Turn your brain off, Michael. Why can't you just sit back and enjoy?" And that's a fair response. Problem is my brain NEVER turns off. It never shuts up. It never has for my entire life and is probably something attributed to me being autistic. When I was young, books were actually somewhat of an escape from this. I could picture the worlds, get deeply invested and love what I read. I read so much that I often got told by teachers not to read and walk before proving that I was more aware of my surroundings than my peers because I learned how to read and walk. I did pretty well in Battle of the Books and acrewed a knowledge of writing from those years. Then when I was almost 18, I began writing and realized I loved it. It was my passion. At the same time, I was finally getting into fandom and enjoying the analyses videos put out by the brony community (MLP was my first and only other fandom I've truly been a part of besides TOH, take that as you will) and that fed my analytical side. Worse yet, reading takes time and I found I wanted to put that energy more into writing. And then came the coup de gra. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So now I had a brain that couldn't shut up, hated myself, worried about everything, and could never stop considering things from a partially analytical viewpoint. And writing was my passion and what I was honing my craft with. I don't watch much media. I watch streamers and let's players. I can't criticize unscripted content that is just a person. I hate media, I don't hate people. That's because I can't HANDLE media all the time. I tried getting into Wednesday and had to take multiple breaks because the show made me so upset. My lack of much to say critically about Amphibia besides it being very good is probably part of why I fail to connect to it as I did with TOH. And in general, it's just hard for me to enjoy most things and if that sounds miserable, I AGREE. And writing is where I'm most severe, especially now that I'm at a level where fan editors don't usually have anything useful to say about my works unless it's a blatant error that comes from my hands going too fast. I tried helping someone recently and took ten minutes getting through the first paragraph because I had so much to say about why I suggested minor shifts. I will find every little thing needling into my brain while reading something and while I can tell I've relaxed, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to work with another author on a project, that side of me is still there. And that amount of time and focus is deeply triggering for me. It's part of why I don't do self edits. I literally can't spare the time if I ever want to write. And none of this is happy. I don't like using this as an excuse. I want to be a part of writer communities. I want to help people take the same route I did in learning to write. To give back like others gave to me. I just... can't. Not without getting into a really bad mood or just having a complete mental breakdown. And I'm sorry about that because I'd love to be able to discuss and highlight fandom ideas and works here. It just isn't something that's going to happen until I have more peace in my own mind.

[writersblog20]

Where is my mind?

Henry Cavill x female reader

Summary: When everything comes crashing down and you can’t keep your head above water, Henry is there to help you in maybe everyway possible.

Words: 6K

Warnings: Depression, burn out, mention of thinking about suicide, age-gap anxiety, mention of described medicitation to calm somebody down, smut! Pure smut, creampie, no condom, overstimulation, daddy kink, dirty talk, squirting  

A/N: So I wanted to write one for Henry as well and I copied some smut parts from my other story with Chris but changed it up a little bit. No bèta read!

Where is my mind?

You rode back home after your appointment at the doctors office. It was official, you were depressed and had a burn out. Yeah definitely a great combi, try it with just a hint of anxiety to finish it off. You were tired, exhausted even.

You started to lose a lot of sleep over it, you didn’t eat great, nightmares for when you did actually tend to fall asleep, breakdowns, mood swings etc. You knew after going for so long, that it was finally time to get some help. You went to your doctor and he was very concerned about you. He wanted to see you at least once a week until someone could help you so that’s why you had a lot of appointments. A lot of things went wrong, like the people he tried to get you to, couldn’t help you and in the end you had to call somebody and search for help.

Normally you had quite the self confidence but that faded away when you start to feel down and depressed. You tried to act like nothing was wrong but it slowly got worse and worse. You lost motivation, felt extremely depressed and worthless, you even thought a lot about suicide. It was a nasty time and a lot of loved ones saw you crumbling down under all the stress you were in.

This was a very stressful time and took more energy in the end of the day than doing as if everything was okay. He also gave you some medication so you could relax a bit and get some sleep. You were just hella confused by everything and wanted so badly to escape but you couldn’t so the best solution right now was watching a lot of movies to ,try, to shut your mind off, read, write if you were able to. So basically every part of escapism you could find at this point.

There was, although, a light in the dark…. And that light was Henry with Kal…. He stayed with you for a little while because your uncle had asked you to. Henry needed a place to stay in for a while and your uncle knew you had a big enough place to let him stay with you and he knew you were absolutely feeling like shit so it would be a win win situation in his eyes.

He was right though, it did help you. Besides you were a huge fan of him. You tried to act cool and stuff but that turned into shyness, even though you already knew Henry personal. Last year, while filming the witcher, he stayed with you as well. You stayed in contact ever since, texting a lot, face timing and all that stuff and he knew how bright and happy you could be.

You also started to develop a crush on the famous British actor but because you felt so low, so did the way you looked at yourself go down. So in your mind he would never like someone like you. But that was far from the truth….

Your uncle told him a little bit about the situation you were in, expecting that you would tell him more but you never did and Henry didn’t want to cross any boundaries, so he waited but he had been waiting for over two weeks now and he saw you crumbling down, day by day falling further away from yourself, as he knew you.

Today was a tough day though. You heard that the therapists where you waited for, couldn’t treat you. It would turn out at one phone call after the other. You called your work, where you walked as an intern to let them know everything and you could wrap things up, so you had to rearrange that as well and you still had a whole essay to write.

Once everything calmed down a little you sat down. Henry was home the whole day and noticed how many calls you had to make and your distress. He couldn’t understand though because you were speaking a different language at the time.

Henry was cooking right now and you stared at your computer. He noticed that it grew silent. Too silent for his liking right now and peeked around the corner to see what was going on. Kal was besides you and he saw you staring at your computer.

The bags underneath your eyes very visible right now and he could see the subtle hint of your glazy eyes, ready to spill but saw you were boiling everything up. All of a sudden you stood up, wiped your eyes and got the medication from your bag and walk to the kitchen where Henry was.

He gave you a soft smile, which you returned but didn’t reach your eyes. “What’s that, sweetheart?” Henry asked you carefully. “Medication the doctor gave me. So I can relax a little bit.” He nodded but saw you didn’t take it.

“Why don’t you take one?” you thought about it and looked back to your computer. “I still need to write an essay… I’ll take it tonight.” You told him softly. You couldn’t even look Henry in the eye anymore. Everyday you fell more and more in love with the man, complicating things more. But he was your only light right now.

“Why don’t you rest for a little bit, then we’ll eat and maybe I can help you with your essay? Maybe sitting next to you can already help a lot….” He proposed. You gave him a tiny smile. “That sounds good but I do need to start right now.” This time he was the one nodding as you walked back to your computer.

He looked at the medication and felt the strings in his heart cut off. He knew what kind of medication it was and it meant no good. Well it was for the best now but it was that you weren’t good right now. even though he already knew. You were just slipping away further and faster than he originally thought you were. You were a good hider, he had to give you that but it wasn’t okay.

He let the food cook for a minute and looked back at you, contemplating on what to do. Once his eyes reached your face he saw that you were very close to crying. You stood up to get something to drink again and once you saw Henry, your eyes started to water even more than they did before, barely containing the tears.

He walked up to you trying to make eye contact which you dodged. He carefully placed his hands on your upper arms, rubbing it softly before pulling you into the warmth of his body and arms.

You didn’t really knew how to behave right now as you let your arms linger besides you. He got your arms and placed them around him for a hug back. “You can hold me sweetheart, it’s okay. I have you.” Henry whispered.

You held him loosely, feeling like the dam was about to be broken as your feelings start to rise to the very surface. Heart started to pick up as you tried to push it down to no avail.

You started to hold Henry tighter, pulling his cardigan into your fist as you grabbed it tightly, scared to let go. That was a cue for Henry to hold you tighter and closer to him. You hid your face in chest as the familiar and safe smell of Henry indulged your nose.

This might’ve been the first time in forever that you felt safe and loved. Those positive feelings broke the dam and everything got finally out. You started to shake and sob uncontrollably. Henry rested his head on yours as he grabbed you just a bit tighter than before. “I’ve got you now, I know sweetheart.  You’re doing so good and been so strong but I’ve got you now. Let me help you and take care of you now. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

The kind words of Henry shot like a bullet through your heart and soul, giving you relief you needed so desperately and as a reaction, you held him as tight as you could. Grabbing his cardigan so tight to the point you could feel your nails dig into the palms of your hands.

Henry placed his hand on top of your head and pulled you closer to his chest. He looked around for a second because he thought that you might lose the strength of your legs. He got you out of the hug for a second as he took your hands in his. You had an entire blackout as he moved the both of you to the couch. He pulled you into his lap so he could hold you better.

You just let it all happen, knowing that you were in safe hands. You automatically wrapped your legs around Henry’s body and hid your face in the crook of his neck as he softly rubbed your back. You had no idea for how long you sat there crying or what time it was for all that matter, once the uncontrollable sobs came to an end and your heartrate started to slow down.

You felt the headache coming up and felt utterly exhausted and empty right now. Henry noticed that you calmed down a bit and got your face out of the safe hiding spot as he looked into your red eyes. He gave you a kiss on the top of your forehead and you felt the tears pooling into your eyes again as your heart finally felt relief and love from the small gesture Henry made.

It had been forever that someone showed you affection and it showed. Your heart started to ache for more and you never wanted to let go of Henry. He looked back into your eyes as he softly rubbed your cheek, which felt sore from the salty tears that had been falling for a good amount of time.

“I’m so proud of you puppy, but I need to know what’s going on in order to properly help you, so I can take some of the weight from you. You’re not alone anymore and I’m not going nowhere.” He said softly to you.

You nodded and started to tell him everything from the very beginning, pouring your heart out as he listened very carefully and at some parts squeezed your hands to let you know he was there as you sat comfortably on his lap.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he asked carefully. “It was easier to deny everything and act than to give in and feel. I was confused and still am. My head is so clouded all of the time and….. and I’m tired… exhausted. I’m just done right now.”

he nodded as he carefully placed a string of hair behind your ear, letting his hand cup your cheek after again. “I’m so proud of you that you told me this. I know it’s hard and you’re one of the bravest, strongest and most courageous person I’ve ever seen in my entire life and it’s an honor. I mean, you went through all of this alone and took care of yourself or at least tried to and didn’t gave up…. even if it felt like you did, you didn’t because you are still here. You don’t have to do this alone anymore and we’ll figure this out, together. But right now it’s very important to go back to basic. Get some rest, try to relax and do fun stuff. We’ll go day by day and I’ll be right by your side if you’ll let me.” he told you as the last part was more of a question for approval.

You nodded, not able to say anything. You didn’t feel alone anymore and felt a heavy weight lifted off of your shoulders and heart. You felt safe and it was incredibly nice that you had someone, especially Henry, by your side who would take care of you, if you weren’t able to do the easiest tasks.

But now it was almost impossible to hide your feelings for Henry. You needed this, you needed him. Your heart ached for him and little did you know that it was the exact the same the other way around.

You rubbed your temples in an attempt to get rid of the headache. “Let me get you some water and painkillers, sweetheart.” He told you and softly patted your leg as a hint to get off of him for a minute. You did as he asked and got off, back to your original place. It didn’t took long before Henry came back to give you the water and painkillers.

You start to tell him about today and everything that went wrong on the side of the doctors and stuff and how you had to search for a therapist on your own right now, which you luckily were able to. Henry felt for you but he was so incredibly proud of you. How you did that all by yourself, how you took the lead in this, tried to keep your back straight and knowing how much energy it had cost you, not giving up until you had something.

“Sweetheart… I’m so sorry that had happened to you and it was completely unprofessional. But how you’ve handled the situation….. Took the lead while feeling the way you do and with so little energy…. It’s something everyone can look up to. I’m so incredibly proud of you and you surprise me everyday more and more in a positive way.” He told you and you could see the actual proudness in his eyes, making your heart flutter.

You smiled shyly, not going unnoticed by Henry. He smiled as well and looked down. “Why don’t I put on some music and help you with your essay. The food is not ready yet.” You nodded and rubbed your face a little, in an attempt to energize yourself and got back to your document. All of a sudden you heard Abba with take a chance blasting trough the speakers.

You smiled shyly. You told Henry, last year, about your love for Abba and he remembered, it filled your heart up with love. He reached out his hand for you to take as he had a grin on his face. You giggled a little, still doubting. “Take a chance on me, I’ll do my very best.” He told you coyly, smiled and tried to wink, making you chuckle.  

You took his hand as he helped you up from the couch. He placed his other hand on your back while you placed your other hand on his shoulder. He started to dance, making you laugh genuine this time. He smiled all the way through it and also laughed wholeheartedly. He twirled you around a couple of times, making you laugh even more and this time it did reach your eyes.

Voulez-Vous came on as a next song and you both just kept dancing. But this time you did look into his eyes and it was like you were imprisoned in a trance just by his eyes. There was something more behind it. Your body’s started to dance closer to each other as he pulled you against his chest, keeping eye contact as you looked up at the broad man.

You felt shy but couldn’t break free from the trance you were in. He placed his finger underneath your chin and pulled you closer. “Tell me when to stop.” He told you, still awaiting for your answer but you didn’t say anything, instead you placed your lips on his and your arms swung around his shoulders.

The kiss turned passionate and heated really quick as his tongue slipped in. He cupped your cheek while his other arm pulled you even closer than before as you played with the nape of his neck. You both pulled back for some air. “I was serious…. Take a chance on me. I’ve liked you since the moment I saw you and I’m still falling for you, everyday more and more.” he told you as he looked directly into your eyes.

“Do you mean that?” he nodded while his thumb rubbed your cheek as he gave you a little, nervous smile. “Okay….” Was all you could say, feeling overwhelmed with excitement and love. He smiled and pulled you into another kiss. “We’ll take it as slow as you want and if it goes too fast, I want you to tell me okay?” he told you. “I promise.” He smiled and pulled you back for more short kisses.

“You’re distracting me…..” you told him with a shy smirk, making him laugh. “Your right, I’m sorry.” He told you and took your hand in his, leading you to the couch. You sat down and started typing. Henry watched how fast you started to work and smiled proudly. “I’ll go check on the food.” He told you after a while and gave you a kiss on the top of your head while you were still typing fast.

You both sat down for dinner after a while and chatted a bit. You felt in better spirit. After dinner you sat back down and started typing again as Henry sat next to you again with his script in his hand and his other hand on your leg.

You started to feel the heat growing between your legs and you shifted a little uncomfortably as you tried to refocus on your task. Henry knew but didn’t say anything, wanting you to take the lead right now in the pace of the beginning of your relationship.

After a while you were done for today and walked upstairs to get into some comfortable clothes. When you walked downstairs, Henry let you chose the movie. You chose Mama mia to watch. Henry opened his arms for you as a hint to cuddle in the big corner of the couch.

He laid down a little and so did you as you scooped closer to him. He placed his arm around you and held you close to him, his other hand resting over your leg that laid over his.

It was a half hour in the movie when his touch felt like a burning desire on your skin. You shifted again, trying to find either release or that it would stop, without Henry taking his hand off of you. Henry noticed and got a soft grin as he saw you wiggling.

His fingers started to go slowly over your back, sending you shivers. He knew exactly what he was doing but stopped, not wanting to make you do something, you might not wanted to do. You frowned as his fingers stopped at your back and his other hand got off your leg.

You looked at him and he looked at the tv, acting like he didn’t notice anything. Which didn’t go unnoticed by you was the growing bulge in his pants that just grew bigger and bigger. You tried to act normal and focus on the movie but the growing heath between your legs became almost unbearable as you shifted again, this time more against Henry.

He slowly looked down at you. You felt a little intimidated. “I’m sorry.” You murmured. “can I help you with something?” he asked coyly but didn’t want to push you, but again, he could tell you wanted to. You looked at him a little embarrassed. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He told you seriously. “I know you” murmured again.

“Come here, sweetheart.” He told you and hinted at his lap. You did as he told you and he grabbed you into a hug. You rested your head on his shoulder as you hang on him like a koala. He softly rubbed your back with affection. Even though this was nice, very nice even, you just couldn’t stop the growing heat and you knew you were already a mess down there.

You got your head out of the safe hiding place and looked at Henry, who looked at you with kind and loving eyes. You came closer to him and attached your lips against his, both sighing in the kiss as you melted in one another. You were chest to chest right now and not only melted into the kiss but completely into each other. His right hand went from your cheek to your hair and so did your hands, tucking them in his hair.

You automatically grinded a little on his lap, making him groan and moan in the kiss a little, tucking your hair more as the kiss turned more heated. He pulled back for air and looked at you with blown pupils. “sweetheart, we need to stop if we want to take things slow.” He told you but you could already feel him grow hard underneath you. It surprised you because you thought he was already hard but that was apparently far from the truth. He was big, very big.  

The room grew silent with tension. The only sound that was heard, was the deep breathing. “I don’t want you to stop….” You told him, completely in a trance “I don’t want you to regret anything just because you want it now sweetheart.”

It made your heart flutter even more, making you want him even more. You boldly moved a little on his lap, hearing him groan as he let his head fall down back. He grabbed your hips tightly as his fingers dug into your skin. “This would be the last thing I would regret. I promise.” You told him softly and placed your lips against the skin of his neck.

You could hear and feel his breath hitch a little as you attacked his neck. He took your face in his hands again. “If you want to stop, I and want you to tell me okay?” he told you as he looked at you with lust in his eyes, making you nod.

He got up, you still in his arms. He was a very strong man that was one thing that was sure. He took you upstairs. “My room or yours?” he asked you between kisses. “Yours” you breathed out, completely intoxicated by the man.

He walked into the room and laid you down on the bed. He gave you a smile and you took your sweater of, leaving you just in your bra. You sat up on your knees and took Henry’s shirt off as well and took all of him in. The man was literally a Greek god. You placed your hands on his chest and let them softly wander over his body and his breathing started to change, as your soft hands caressed his chest hair.

He got up to you and pulled you into a deep kiss, making you lay down again. He got his own pants off and gently tucked yours off too, leaving you into nothing more than your lingerie. Henry’s breath hitched. “God, you’re absolutely gorgeous.” You felt flustered as his words and your eyes started to wander, seeing him growing even bigger in his boxers. Flustered, you looked somewhere else.

“Again, if you want to stop, just tell me okay?” Henry said softly with a gentle kiss on your nose and forehead. “No, I really want to, I just…. I don’t have very much experience…. I’m not a virgin but I just…” Henry smiled softly at you. “Sweetheart that’s okay. Don’t worry.” He kissed you again and carefully laid you down on the bed again.

He left wet kisses from your neck to your chest as he unclasped your bra as he kissed you passionately and with lust on your mouth again. His lips trailed down again from your neck to your chest to your breast as he took one in his mouth and played with your other nipple between his fingers. You moaned and arched your back towards his chest, your hands through his hair as goosebumps covered your skin.

His lips trailed further down, leaving wet spots on your stomach as he pulled your panties down slowly and kissed the inside of your thighs, moving up this time. It took one lick, to make you a whimpering mess already.

So many nights had you thought about this while touching yourself and now it was finally becoming true. He kept notice of your body language, in what you liked or what you didn’t. His mouth now attached to your clit as he licked and sucked. You were lost for breath and saw stars. You knew it wasn’t going to take long for you to cum. You whimpered and moaned as his hand found your stomach and held, pinned, you down on the bed.

“Hen... I’m gonna cum.” You whimpered. “Come for me princes, come for daddy.” That was it, the last sentence took you over the edge in seconds, leaving you a shaky, whimpering mess on his bed. His lips went back over your body, going up. He got you into a passionate kiss and you could taste yourself on his lips, feeling him grind onto your body. “You taste delicious sweetheart. I’ll never get enough of you.” he told you, making you shiver.

You wanted to return the favor and he smiled but shook his head. “Not tonight baby, I’m not done with you yet.” He told you as his lips started to trail back down again. He licked your clit again, making you gasp.

He started to eat you out again and gently added a finger inside of you. “Let’s see what you can do baby” he told you and the warm breath on your clit was already too much. He started to lick your clit again and added another finger. A euphoric feeling came over you, like an orgasm but more. He fingered you more and more, till you cried out “Good girl, come on, squirt for daddy.” He encouraged you but you didn’t want to let go, tears filling your eyes from the pleasure. “Let go baby, it’s okay. Let go for daddy.” You couldn’t hold it any longer and squirted.

His face was wet and he rubbed it off as you felt embarrassed. “Such a good girl, that felt good didn’t it?” you nodded shyly and he put a finger underneath your chin again for a kiss, still tasting yourself in the kiss. “Good, cause there’s more to come sweetheart.” Your heart made leaps as a wave of  excitement went through your entire body. God what this man can’t already do with his barista voice.

He kissed you more and you tucked at his boxers, making him smile in the kiss “Someone is needy.” He told you and you whined. But Henry wasn’t done with you yet but your fingers still attached to his boxers.

He attacked your neck and pinned you down on the bed when you tried to get his boxers off. “No. This night is all about you sweetheart.” You moaned only at that already. God it was so hot. His fingers found your slit again as he sat on top of you. You immediately moaned again as his motions grew faster.

You’ve never experienced such a fast orgasm. Not even your vibrator could do this or have such an effect on you. “Cum for daddy baby. Make daddy proud.” He noticed that your daddy kink had sent you over the edge for the first time so he tried it again and once again you had an eye rolling orgasm while you squirted for the second time. You’ve never squirted in your entire life but he could just make you squirt in no time and twice already.

Henry made eye contact with you. “Please fuck me daddy.” You told him, making him softly smile at you. He got out of his boxers and your eyes went big at how huge Henry was, he wasn’t just big he was absolutely huge and you hadn’t really had intercourse in so long so you looked a little panicked. “Don’t worry sweetheart, you’re nice and wet, it won’t hurt too much and if it does, let me know.” he told you as he gave you a kiss on the top of your head. That gesture alone made you even more wetter than before.

“He laid you down and looked up at you. “Are you sure sweetheart?” he asked you and you nodded. “No princes, I need to hear you.” you swallowed a little “Yes daddy.” He smiled and gave you a kiss on the top of your nose and lips again.

He positioned himself between your slit and you already moaned at that, you grew impatient and wanted him in you. You buckled your hips a little, making Henry chuckle. He placed you down with his hand. He carefully slipped in, taking your face in to see if there wasn’t any discomfort, which there wasn’t yet. He muffled your moans with his mouth as he placed it on yours.

He wasn’t even halfway in and he carefully pushed forward and played with your breast. Once he was fully in you gasped loudly as your breath started to hitch. You could feel him stretch you completely out which did hurt but it was nice feeling as well. He got out of the kiss, looking at you. “You okay baby?” he asked you carefully as he took a stranded hair, that stuck to your face from the sweat, away. “Yes daddy” He still waited a few minutes so you could get used to his size.  

After a while he slowly stared moving, making you both moan in unison. Your nails found his back and he grunted a little as you had your claws in his back in no time. His movements got a good pace and you felt yourself grow closer again. “I’m going to cum again daddy.” You announced. “You’re such a good girl, cum for daddy princes.”

Your walls squeezed him tightly and he let out a loud moan. “If you keep doing that, I won’t last long baby.” He told you out of breath as you were still shaking underneath him. He waited until you stopped shaking so much before pulling out of you and once he did you whimpered at the sudden lost and emptiness.

“Come ride daddy, baby girl.” He told you and helped you get seated. You started moving and Henry looked mesmerized at you. He pulled you down so he could kiss you. His fingers dug into your hips as he helped you set the pace. You grew closer again and your fingers intertwined with Henry’s as he placed them behind your back.

“Cum for daddy.” He told you and his thumb found your clit as you kept riding him, sending you, once again, over the edge, making you squirt. Your legs shook as you got his big dick out of you for the liquid to come out. You collapsed on his chest from the many orgasms in such a short amount of time. You placed Henry back in you but it was still very sensitive and your walls started to squeeze him. Henry moaned in your ear as you squeezed him again and his moans in your ear not helping that case what so ever.

He got you off of him and placed you on your stomach and pulled your ass up as you still shook. He took a grip on your hips and entered you again, making you both moan. He started to pound into you and tears of pleasure started to gather in the corner of your eyes.

His pounding got so rough that you laid completely down on the bed, ass deeply pushed in the mattress. He grabbed your butt cheeks in his hands and squeezed them as he kept entering you. You gasped and moaned, feeling utter bliss.

He got out of you again and rolled you back on your back and entered you again. “I’m not going to last very much longer sweetheart.” He told you as he started moving again. You tried to meet his rhythm with your hips but he pulled you down again, making you moan loudly.

his lips attacked your mouth as his thrusts became erratic. “You can cum in me daddy.” He looked at you and that was the thing that had sent Henry over the edge. He moaned and grunted as he filled you up, the sounds that he made alone, made you cum for the last time that night. You felt everything and loved every minute of it when he painted your walls, buried deep inside of you.

Henry collapsed on you, out of breath and held you tightly, still buried deep inside of you. Both trying to catch your breath. He looked at you and placed his lips on yours lovingly but still out of breath. “Was I too rough?” he asked you nervously. “No, it was perfect.” He smiled which you mirrored and kissed you again. “Let’s take a shower sweetheart.” You nodded and he carefully exited you, making you whimper. “I’m sorry princess.”

You took a look at the bed, which was a complete mess. Your legs felt very wobbly and Henry noticed and smiled softly as he took you in his arms and took you to the bathroom. He helped you in the shower and got the water at a nice, warm temperature.

He pulled you close to his body, your head resting on his chest and the water hitting your back. He softly went with his hand over your hair, massaging your skull a little bit. You looked up at Henry and was met with a very loving gaze. He cupped your face and pulled you in for a loving kiss.

It wasn’t a kiss like before. it was slow and loving, taking all the time in the world. After you broke away he tucked your head back against his chest and moved placed with you. When the water hit his back, he wrapped his arms around you to keep you a little warm.

After the nice shower you started to feel very sore. He helped you out of the shower and softly dried you both off, before taking you to your room. You were still naked when your body touched the clean sheets of your own comfortable bed. Henry walked to the other side, naked as well and crawled in next to you.

He pulled you closer and your arm went over his body, while you were wrapped up in his arms. He tucked you in more with the covers. “You don’t regret it do you?” Henry asked carefully. “Not one bit. I trust you.” he smiled and kissed you. “good.” After some cuddling and another make out session, you turned around and he spooned you.

You felt so safe as the broad man felt like a fort around you, protecting you against everything and everyone. You tried to get more comfortable and wiggled around a little until Henry groaned a little. “sweetheart, if you want to have any sleep tonight, I suggest you stop doing that.” You felt flustered and murmured a soft and shy “Sorry” which made him chuckle deeply.

“Don’t say sorry. I know you're getting comfortable.” He softly grabbed your face, so you would look over and he placed a deeply affectionate kiss on your lips, making you giggle. “God I’m so in love with you.” you heard him say. Your heart skipping a couple of beats. “If only you knew how much I’m in love with you too…. I won’t ever get enough of you.” you told him boldly and wiggled your ass a little playfully against him, earning another groan and chuckle from him.

“Stop it, you need sleep.” Henry tried to tell you seriously but failed as his playful smile gave him away. “No you’re right, I do need sleep.” He gave you a kiss on the top of your head and tucked your body closer to him and held you tightly, waiting for you to drift off to sleep. It didn’t took long before you drifted off. The sounds of the rain ticking hard against the window, hearing Henry softly breath in and out, the warmth of his body and the feeling of finally being loved and cared for, took you to dreamland in no time, finally feeling at peace and that everything will work out in the end.

[twistmusings]

How do you think the convo between riddle and his mother went when he went back home for the winter holidays? Would he be able to explain that his overblot was due to his obsession with rules that she instilled in him? How he is trying to relax his grip on them, even just a smidge, for his own health. We never got a hint on how it went, and with your impeccable writing on the king leona post, i want to hear your thoughts on this ❤️

Oooh. This is a good one. Hopefully I can do it justice.

The conversation between Riddle and his Mother.

TW: Manipulation and Gaslighting, unhealthy relationships with parents, emotional abuse, mental illness. No joke this is kind of a depressing one, just as a warning.

I don't want to beat around the bush when I say this, but it didn't go well. In fact it was arguably the worst thing Riddle has ever gone through with his mom, and it got heavy very quickly. To be entirely 100% honest, I think this is likely the situation that was the straw the broke the camel's back for Riddle.

Of course Riddle's mother heard about his overblot. The school couldn't just hide it from her, even if they wanted to, so why Riddle was dreading going home for winter break was because he knew what was probably going to happen as soon as he got home.

Unfortunately for him, he was right. The moment he stepped out of the other side of the mirror and back into the Queendom of Roses, his mother didn't even greet him. He could already tell she was furious with him without any words ever passing between them.

The moment they got into the car to drive the rest of the way home, the first words out of her mouth were "I hope you know how disappointed in you I am." Riddle wanted to cry, a bit, hearing that, but he knew crying would only make it worse. The rest of the car ride was in silence, and the entire time the sick feeling in his stomach just kept getting worse.

He could judge from her tone when she told him to grab his bags and how quickly she hustled him into the house that it was going to be worse than he thought.

It begins immediately as soon as the door closes. About how she expected him to have better control over himself, about how embarrassing it was to explain to their neighbors that her only son had overblotted and nearly cause the death of the other students. About how she has spent his entire like trying to raise him to be better than this and he's throwing all of his chances away doing things like this. It is not a conversation, it's a lecture.

Finally, when she demands he explain himself, Riddle is welling with fury and sadness and exhaustion at being talked to like this. He doesn't hold back any punches, either, when he tells her outright that he thinks that her overbearing and constant demands of him are what made him overblot in the first place. He doesn't get the chance to explain why he thinks that, because his mother immediately rises to meet his energy and starts speaking over him.

"You think that I'm the reason that this happened? After everything I gave up for you? After trying to raise you the right way? I have always done what I think is right for you to help you succeed in life. You're acting like an entitled brat right now and you know I've never done anything but what I think is the best for my only son."

Riddle might try to argue with her about it, but his mother doesn't hear him. She might hear his words but she doesn't put any weight into them because in her mind she's always right and Riddle is the one who caused her this shame. In her mind, Riddle did this to himself: he went off to Night Raven College and being free from under her wing he got reckless and wasn't well disciplined enough to stop himself from getting hurt just like she had warned him that he would. Her mind is already made up, and she is the sort of person who can never be wrong. It wouldn't matter what Riddle said, it could have been literally anything, because she has already decided that she is right and has the image firmly in her mind of how exactly it happened.

It turns into another lecture, really. A long one, about him being unappreciative and how he's spoiled and had everything he could ever have wanted in life handed to him on a silver platter by mother dearest. How now that he's off on his own he's made decisions to hang out with these people who were bad influences on him and how he cannot be trusted to do things on his own. How he 'violated' her trust and how his leash while he's at home will be even tighter now. At a point, Riddle really just stops listening and lets it happen, standing there in silence and feeling like he's floating three feet away from his own body.

When finally it ends and she's done thoroughly demonstrating her disappointment and mistrust of her own son, she says "Go unpack your things. I'll be up in one hour to get you so we can do your winter homework before dinner."

And so Riddle does go to his room. The feeling of floating out of himself hasn't gone away. He briefly considers leaving-- of going to Trey's house and asking if he can just stay. He crushes it soon after, though-- he knows his mother too well. Knows she would get the police involved to find him and that it would only bring Trey's family trouble. He can't do that to them-- not to Trey's parents or siblings, and not to Trey either. Leaving would only make it worse when he gets back.

He ends up sitting on his bed and trying to unpack but finding himself unable to make himself function. His limbs feel like they're made of lead.

He can't get the idea of Trey and his family out of his mind. He's heard stories about his parents and his siblings. Heard how they go home over winter break and he helps in the bakery and helps take care of the younger kids. How his parents still all make a dinner and sit down to have dinner at the end of the day. How they look after each other and help each other every day.

It's the realization that they must know how it feels to be loved unconditionally that makes him snap and he starts to cry. The realization that his mother only loves him when he's playing the part that she wants him to play and if he doesn't want to be that, then there will be consequences.

And, while he's sitting there, sobbing uncontrollably into the sleeves of his sweater, he resolves that the moment he's able to, he's going to get away from that cycle. Having realized that this is not how a family is supposed to feel, he realizes that he's not going to get the support he wants here. Not in this lifetime. His mother won't hear reason, and she's going to keep pushing him to be something that he isn't. Riddle can't be that. Not unless he wants to become a monster again-- not unless he wants to live with the weight of the world on his shoulders until he snaps again. Not unless he wants to snap again and risk someone getting hurt. He still remembers the terrifying rage he felt-- has nightmares about staring Ace down with the singleminded focus to see him dead. About wanting to watch the life drain out of Ace and Trey's eyes and anyone else who got in his way. His own anger terrifies him.

He's not going to get the mother that he wants. There's a certain hopelessness, to that realization.

He will eventually stop crying, but ends up not able to put anything away. When his mother finds him still sitting, it starts her demeaning him again. She tells him he's not capable of anything-- that he's acting out. He bites his tongue, though, because he knows that's not true. He knows he's not some useless child, and he knows exactly who he doesn't want to be. She's standing right there before him, nearly a one to one parallel to the monster he saw in himself that day.

It won't be a fun winter break, but now he knows going forward what he needs to do. Maybe not today, but someday he's going to cut her out of his life. Build a place for himself that feels like home, where he doesn't have to feel small. And when that time comes, his mother won't have any say in who he hangs out with or who comes over or how many tarts he eats. He has some discussions to have when he gets back to campus-- he needs to get input from the people he trusts to do right by him. It's not a fun winter break but he leaves it with a goal in mind and more hope for his future than he's had ever before.

[mingisangel]

5:34 PM

pairing: mingi x reader

rate: sfw

genre: comfort

warnings: mentions of depression/depressive thoughts (happy ending)

—

it was just another one of those days. at least, that’s how you always describe it to others. you’ve barely made it out of bed all day and it’s already 3 pm. you simply didn’t have it in you to exist today. instead, you chose to reside inside your head. and who knows how long you’ve been staring out the window while getting lost in your thoughts. 

on top of everything, you felt dirty. one of the most frustrating things about depression that people can’t seem to understand is that if you can hardly get out of bed, you sure as hell aren’t going to be able to get in the shower. you hated feeling dirty as much as anyone, and just because you can’t shower yourself, doesn’t mean you won’t be bothered by the heaviness of your knotted, unwashed hair. it’s frustrating to be able to feel it, it just makes you feel worse about yourself. you do your best not to itch, but your scalp is irritated, and now so are you. 

you don’t even notice your phone is ringing next to you until the third call in a row. you stare at it for a second before finally reaching out and answering, immediately putting it on speaker.

“baby? is everything okay? you haven’t responded to any of my texts all day. and why’d you take so long to pick up the phone?” mingi’s voice was anxious, but gentle. your boyfriend didn’t mean to bombard you with questions, and you knew better than to stress yourself out trying to answer them all.

“i don’t know. i’m sorry, i’m going through it,” you let out a dry little laugh to cushion your words. mingi is silent for a long moment before he finally responds.

“okay, i’m coming over,” he pauses to give you a chance to respond, but you don’t have the energy to try and persuade him not to, so you just respond with a sigh to let him know it’s fine. “i’ll see you soon.”

he hangs up and you make no effort to prepare for his arrival. he’s known you for long enough now for you not to care if he sees you this way. he’s the one who wanted to come over anyway. you simply continue to do what you’ve done all day: sit in your bed and stare out the window, getting lost in your thoughts. 

once again, you don’t notice his arrival until he’s sitting next to you, taking your hand softly in his. you finally look away from the window, down at your hands instead. you don’t look at him as you greet him. he tries to pull you into his arms, but you pull away.

“no i’m dirty. comfort me from a distance,” you mutter.

“i don’t care about that. i just want to hug you,” he says with a laugh.

“but i don’t want to be dirty, and if you hug me i’ll just feel dirtier,” you respond, your frustration starting to show in your tone. your boyfriend is patient, understanding that you struggle to express your emotions without getting upset when you’re feeling depressed.

“you couldn’t shower?” he asks. you shake your head without a word. “will you feel better if i help you with that?” 

for the first time, you tear your eyes away from your hands and look at him, your gaze a mixture of hopeful and wary. “would you?”

 he smiles and squeezes your hand.

“of course.”

the water’s too cold at first. you never know why mingi prefers taking cold showers, but the way you jump away as soon as the lukewarm water hits your skin tells him you won’t be finding out today. slowly, he turns the knob until you let him know the water’s warm enough. finally, you close your eyes contently and and lean back against mingi’s chest as you let your body start to relax, and allow the water to simply wash over you for a while before you’re ready to move. 

you realize you must have zoned out for longer than you thought when you feel mingi press a light kiss on your shoulder, only to have you flinch at the touch, indicating that your body is feeling hypersensitive. when he seems to understand, he reaches for your hand instead, gently kissing the back, and you appreciate his persistence in trying to comfort you with his affection. 

remembering what you’re here for, you move away from mingi’s chest to grab the shampoo and hand it back to him, silently instructing him through your routine. you settle back in front of him and almost immediately feel the combination of the cold shampoo and his warm hands in your hair. he’s far more gentle on your scalp than you usually are. you can tell that he’s more worried about accidentally hurting you than getting your hair clean, but you don’t mind. it feels less like washing and more like a massage.

once the conditioner is washed out of your hair, you grab the loofa hanging on the wall and turn to face mingi for the first time as you hand it to him.

“will it be easier for you if i face you?” you ask.

“however you want, baby, but are you sure it’s okay if i do it?” mingi’s concern is almost funny to you, as if he hasn’t touched you a million times before, but you appreciate the continued consideration.

“mhm,” you smile and take one of his hands in yours, giving it a small squeeze.

he gets to work running the loofa all over your body, and rather than closing your eyes like you had for most of the shower, you watch mingi instead. the sight of your boyfriend so dedicated to helping you when you couldn’t help yourself made your heart swell. in the moment, you couldn’t resist the urge to pull him into a chaste kiss, catching him off guard. his shock instantly fades as he wraps his arms around your waist to hold you closer. when you separate, you find yourself looking up into his smiling eyes, and you can’t help but smile as well.

“thank you mingi,” you whisper. it’s so gentle, if he wasn’t only inches away from you, you wouldn’t even think he’d hear. 

“of course love, any time. now turn around please so i can do your back.”

—

Copyright © 2022, mingisangel | tumblr | no reposts, translations, copies, etc.

[hyunjilicious]

I just read what is and what should never be and it was PHENOMENAL! I love everything you write anyway so I was wondering if you could do a small one where Bucky is alone and depressed and he calls yn because he feels lost and she is just there for him? No worries if you can't! I love you anyway 💕

Omg!! You’re too sweet! I really wanted to do this one justice, but I suck at angst... I love you too!! and I’m sorry if this sucks!

Summary: after the events of Endgame, you and Bucky part ways. Even though you haven’t spoken in months, when he needs you, you’re there ANGST 2.2k

Warnings: overall angsty vibes. Sad Bucky. Idk depictions of depression I guess? shitty writing!

“You came” Bucky's surprised tone pulled you out of your thoughts.

Before saying anything else, you shook your head in disbelief. From certain points of view, he looked exactly the same as when you last saw him months ago, but if you looked past his rugged exterior, it was very easy to tell something was truly eating away at his heart.

“Of course I came” you frowned, “You called me”

“Thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore” Bucky mumbled.

You looked him up and down, thoroughly confused by his statement, but decided to keep the tone of the conversation from going too dark too fast. “Shut up, Barnes” you scoffed, “Don’t even joke about that.” A hint of a smile appeared at the corner of his lips, but it was forced, you could easily tell he wasn’t truly being himself. “What’s up?”

Bucky took a deep breath as if gathering the courage to word his thoughts. When his eyes met yours he flinched, the pain clouding his otherwise bright blue eyes. He started with a long sigh and a shake of his head but then, cringed as he finally spoke up. “I need help”

His confession went directly to the pit of your stomach. “What happened? Whatever it is, you got it, but what-”

“Nothing happened” Bucky stopped you, “I need help”

“I don’t understand”

“I need someone to-” he sighed, closing his eyes as his head fell forward in what could only be described as shame, “I need someone to talk to” and it was funny, considering he just walked out of his psychiatrist’s office. “Someone that’s not paid to listen to me” he added, “Someone who understands”

It was moments like these that you truly wished Steve was still here. Or Nat. Your best friends, yes, but they were the glue that held you all together, and now in their absence, you were all threatening to fall apart. 

But of course you’d be there for Bucky. Whatever he needed you were more than eager to provide, but at the same time, you were fully aware that your capabilities were limited. You didn’t lack the understanding or the experience, but you lacked the words. You had the sympathy, but not the advice he needed. But you were there. Like you have always been and always will be, so, that afternoon you ended up on his living room floor.

Surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol that had no effect on either of you whatsoever, you sat and listened to him rant his heart out until his throat couldn’t take it anymore. And then he broke down - completely. A full on mess, tears staining his cheeks as the temperature dropped in the room with every other pained groan he’d release. But he let it all out and the weight he had been carrying on his shoulder was unimaginable. There were too many things eating away at his heart, but the guilt was what kept him under its spell, what kept him up for the last months, what was physically destroying him.

“Y/n... “ he called for you, face hidden in his hands as he spoke, “I know you’re gonna say no, but-”

“No,” you stopped him, “Then don’t ask me”

“Please”

“No, Bucky” you sighed, grabbing his wrist so you could look him in the eyes, “If you already know it’s a bad idea, please don’t tell me because I’m afraid I’ll actually go through with it right now”

“But i can’t fucking sleep!” he cried out loud, falling back against the couch, arms propped up on his knees, “I keep having the same nightmares over and over again, and I can’t take it anymore”

“You don’t-” you took a deep breath, “You don’t want me to erase your mind, do you?”

The look in his eyes proved that that was exactly what he wanted. And the unshed tears that coated the otherwise pure and radiant blue of his eyes was almost enough to convince you.

“Please-” he begged, “I-”

“No, Buck” you shook your head and shuffled to face him properly, “As time passes, it’s only gonna get worse. The past will eventually catch up to you. You’ll want to know what you did”

He didn’t have it in him to fight you, so silence settled for a while. “You know sedatives don’t work on me?”

“I… never thought about it, but that makes sense”

Bucky gathered his lips into a tight line and nodded his head.

“Lady shrink isn’t of any help?” you asked.

“I have no clue what she’s doing” he shrugged, “Maybe it’s good in the long run, but fuck if I know how she expects me to make any kind of progress right now”

“You are, tho” you reassured him, “Making progress I mean”

“Am I?” Bucky laughed incredulously.

“Yes! You’re almost completely on your own feet. You really pushed through”

“Or maybe I’m just ignoring all of my problems”

“You just told me about them” you chuckled, and threw an arm over his shoulders.

Hesitatingly at first, he eventually leaned in into your hold, allowing himself to completely fall against your chest. “I hate this”

“I think that’s a given” you laughed, curling your fingers around the roots of his way too short hair. “A wise man once said that whenever someone acts like they have their shit together, they’re either lying or delusional”

“Who said that?”

“I don’t know” you confessed, “I saw that on the internet”

For the first time that night, you actually heard him laugh, and it sounded so good - it was short and weak, but it was sweet and honest. “That’s a pathetic attempt at cheering me up, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it” Bucky said as he pushed himself up.

“I wish I could do more” you mumbled, “But I don’t know what, or how, but-”

“Thank you”

“You don’t have to thank me, you know that” you smiled.

He didn’t know that. He’d never stop thanking you for even the smallest gestures. The day where Bucky would understand that kindness, in some cases, is a given, was far away, but you had the patience and determination to work for it.

As you talked and talked, and the topic of conversation kept shifting from one area to the other, the sun set, night settling outside his small windows. It was time for you to leave, and you would’ve done it, had he asked you not to at the last second.

You had your shoes on and one hand on the door handle, when he stumbled over his words, obviously too shy to properly hold his ground. “Actually can you- can you-” he mumbled, pointing to his couch, “Can you stay here tonight?”

And of course you did. The night didn’t last much longer after that, with Bucky settling on the floor, only a blanket to keep him company, and you sprawled out on the couch as silence settled.

But your mind was too busy to drift off. You knew his’ was too, but decided to refrain from speaking up, hoping to let him fall asleep, even for a short while.

It was loud inside your head. You always promised yourself you’d never intrude on someone’s thoughts and read through them without their approval, but you physically felt Bucky radiate energy, and your mind just slipped. But then, your heart almost stopped.

You saw yourself. You saw yourself slapping him back in Wakanda when he decided to go under ice again, you saw yourself moving a car out of his way back in Bucharest, when you risked your life for his because you trusted Steve that much, and because you were that good of a friend. You saw yourself at Tony’s funeral, eyes shiny with tears and then felt an almost uncontrollable urge to hug yourself - and then realised it wasn’t your urge, it was Bucky’s. At this point, your heart beat so fast you were actually afraid he’d hear it. But when goosebumps appeared all over your skin, you realised he couldn’t hear you, that he was asleep and that the nightmares started materializing. 

What convinced you to act on it was the sudden jerk of his body and the way to fully tensed instantly after. So, unable to just sit and watch, you rolled over to the side and allowed your hand to fall by his temple, little specks of light rolling off the tips of your fingers as you forced the thoughts away. Seconds later, you saw him relax and shift around, gathering the blanket he laid on to his chest as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

His relaxed form and the steady pace of his breathing put a smile on your face. But you made the mistake of thinking this was a one time thing, however, before you realised, you found yourself leaning over him again, ushering yet another wave of nightmares away. And it kept being an ongoing process until the sun rose, and you cursed yourself as you did not get one second of shut eye. But it was worth it. The sight of him finally resting, knowing he spent his night in his happy place that you this time did not intrude on, made up for your tiredness. 

When Bucky drifted out of his deep sleep, you figured it was safe to relax too. But knowing that if you went to sleep right now you wouldn’t wake up until noon, you stood up, determined to give him the full best friend experience.

But all you found in his kitchen was a box of stale cereal, a soft cucumber and candy wrappers. Had he not looked so adorable sleeping shirtless and curled into a ball on the floor, you would have woken him up yelling. But instead, you decided to order some food, and the simple fact that the sound of the delivery guy ringing the doorbell didn’t wake him up, actually terrified you. With a life like yours, no one sleeps that deeply, but then there he was, snoring away the late hours of the morning. 

By the time he finally stirred awake, the food was already cold, and you were bored out of your mind. “What- what time is it?” he mumbled, voice rich with sleep.

“A little bit past 2” you yawned from your spot on the couch.

“2 pm?” Bucky huffed, sitting up in a hurry and rushing to grab his phone. “What the-” he turned to you confused, “It’s 2pm…”

“Yeah” you sighed, “And the food is cold”

“Food?” Bucky gawked, looking over at the small table by the window, “You got food?”

“You didn’t have any” you defended yourself. You wanted to scold him for not taking better care of himself, but he looked so homey and cozy and vulnerable, that you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Eventually, you stood up and walked over to him. “I’ll let you eat, Buck, but I gotta go” you sighed, giving him a hug, “Got some stuff to do” you lied, by stuff meaning sleep, since you were exhausted.

“Yeah, of course” he mumbled in agreement, wrapping his arms around your frame, and bringing you closer. He sank his head into the crook of your neck, holding you to his chest for a moment longer than you would have considered friendly. But you didn’t complain, his hold was stern and loving, and you really needed that right now. “Thank you” Bucky added when he finally let you go. His right palm cupped your cheek as he looked down at you, awe and admiration in his eyes.

“Nothing to thank me for, Buck” you smiled, and then pulled away.

He silently watched you get ready to leave, following you around until you reached the door and turned around to say goodbye. And it was weird. Your heart boomed against your ribcage, and you didn’t have to read his thoughts to know he was feeling the same kind of nervous. And it may have been the one too many stories you read but you actually feared something was going to happen. Thankfully, it didn’t. Instead you shared another hug, and parted ways.

However, all you managed to do was reach the staircase before you heard his door open, followed by the sound of his bare feet sprinting down the hallway. “What are you-”

“Can you stay?” he asked, shaking from head to toe, “In New York I mean, can you please stay? Just a few more days”

“Well, I- yeah, I guess I can” you mumbled.

“I just, I need a few more days. You’re screwing my head back on, I just need you now. Steve is gone, and Sam is all the way in Louisiana and I hate phones and I-”

“Wow-” you laughed, “I’m not even the second choice, I’m the third?”

“Shut up, Y/n” Bucky frowned, “Stop being a smartass for a second”

“I’m sorry” you rolled your eyes, but he didn’t care.

In the blink of an eye, Bucky threw his arms around your shoulders and hugged you close, and you weren’t sure if the ‘I love you’ that echoed inside your mind had actually been spoken or just thought, but it was everything you never knew you needed.

[kyberphilosopher]

Oʀᴏᴛᴜɴᴅ

Requested?: Yes. Contains allusions to sex and illness, non graphic.

Word Count: 3301

Eren has disappeared beyond the walls, finding refuge with a sick ex-soldier. 

Orotund: (adj.*) speaking or singing with fullness, clarity, or strength of song or voice. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*. 

 The sickness had spread slowly, but surely. 

You couldn’t tell where you had gotten it from. At first, you had assumed it was simply an intensified version of the flu. However, the longer you took care of yourself, the more you realized that this was far worse. 

Dividing the time into five stages, you began keeping note of what was happening to you during Stage Two. During Stage One, you began to experience relatively short periods of a fever. They’d usually last for days at a time, with you lying in bed draping a wet rag on your forehead. So intense, you could not even get up to urinate or eat, it was difficult not to feel pathetic. 

Stage Two had made the fever die down. You were more than thankful for this, of course, but it had come with it’s own crashing, crushing waves. Stage Two had begun to make you lose weight at a rapid and inexplicable pace. You often frowned at yourself in the mirror, observing how your torso was slimming and shaping around the form of your ribs. It came before the loss of appetite, which only made matters that much worse. 

Stage Three, during which you had met him, was strange. It didn’t directly cause any physical changes to you, but it did indirectly. You grew restless in the night, and exhausted during the day. Riddled with fatigue, the daily chores you relied on for life became troublesome. Drawing water from the well strained your back, and because of what Stage Two had done to your stomach, you lacked the energy needed to keep yourself upright. 

One day, in whatever season it had been, you returned to your cabin to find a stranger inside. Instantly on sight, your pail of drinking water fell from your fingers and splashed against the wooden floors. Your boots and socks were soaked. The knocking of wood against wood made your ears ring as if a bomb had gone off. 

The boy was still, but his eyes were somewhat wide as if he was also surprised. He must not have considered someone was already living in the cabin. Yet, he was sitting at your dining table, watching you with open eyes and open ears. 

Before you could scold, yelp, or simply say hello, you collapse over. The fatigue overpowers you and you crash against your counter in a heap. 

The boy leapt forward on instinct. His right arm wrapped around your back to steady you somewhat, his left hand gripping onto your other shoulder. It didn’t help you too much, as your ankle was already rolling out from under you, but it did keep you from hitting the floor completely. Thus, the boy had at least saved you a head injury. 

“My room,” you croaked with hazy eyes. The hand attached to the arm over his back weakly pointed in the direction of your bedroom. It wasn’t too far away.  You were lucky that he craned his head to see where you were gesturing to, and understood. “I have to get to... my room...”

“Right,” the boy replied.

He hoisted you up, the both of you grunt quietly in unison. And then he practically dragged you across the floorplan of your home, stumbling and groaning all the way. The boy let you drop into your bed on your own, partially kicking him in the process. 

You hum out a sigh of relief. Your head is immediately alleviating itself, and the room is ceasing to spin so quickly. The boy is confused as to the lack of yelling or anger. Instead, he is enthralled with the calm, tired, demeanor of your form. He’d broken into your cabin, eaten your food, and you hadn’t even looked mad. In fact, you looked almost sickly. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Stage Four brought depression. Yes, you already had that. But now your sickness was piling onto the chemical imbalances, adding to the lack of calories, nutrients, and sleep. Whatever strength you had before was dwindling away faster than before, although this time, things were different. 

The strangers name was Eren. Eren Jaeger. He had large, piercing teal eyes, bold eyebrows, and dark hair. At the time of your meeting, it was the length of his shoulders. His palms were wrapped in gauze at the time, but it wasn’t permanent. He’d since removed them, and helped you work. 

Eren was strong. He could repair things that were broken around the cabin and help you with the well upkeep. Sometimes he would go hunting and bring home venison or herbs for you, which was kind. He didn’t ask for much in return, other than you not tell anyone of his presence. Not like you had anyone to tell anyways. 

Eren gave you a ride on his Titan once or twice too. That was something you loved. You were scared at first, but Eren didn’t let anything happen to you. He would lift you up in the palm of his hand so you could reach the fruits at the top of the tallest of trees. Then you’d go home and slice the fruit up for him in a small bowl. 

He slept on the bench in the living room. You’d felt particularly guilty about that part, but your weak body needed all the relaxation it could get. Eren knew that, and he never forced you to share or give more than was even remotely necessary. Really, Eren was quiet most days. He seemed to do a great bit of brooding, but you’d grown accustomed to the presence of another human being, and thus, warmth. And Eren liked you. You weren’t obsessive, didn’t yell for the way he cleaned, didn’t rip up his clothes, or remind him of a fading dream. 

Time blurs together when you’re living on your own in the middle of nowhere, but the boy was with you for more than two months, at least. He figured out that you were sick in that span of time, including that you didn’t deserve to be. There wasn’t much around your cabin to suggest much of past life. Eren didn’t blame you. That’s why he stayed in the cabin as well- hoping to leave the past for a blank space. 

You took care of each other. Your favorite example was on a morning in Spring. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Eren wore a simple brown cloak. No shirt underneath, giving you a much appreciated view of the boys abdominal muscles. Though, you’d probably never get the opportunity to admit you found the boy physically appealing, you took it in. His hair was back in a bun today. The sun broke over the horizon, illuminating his eyes. 

Jaeger held your horse by the reigns. His right bare foot was rubbing against his left shin, tired as the horse began to excrete last nights meal. Eren must’ve gotten up earlier than usual this morning for chores, because the circles under his eyes seemed more prominent. Not that it specifically mattered. He looked handsome all the same. You appreciated the view for a few minutes before starting towards the well. 

First, you set the bucket on the earth where the water is sure to fall. Then, you place both hands on the pump, digging your feet into the ground for leverage. Stage Four has made you weaker than most people. This will take a lot out of you. 

Pushing down, it takes all of your strength to get a single pump of water into the pail. It’s not enough, and sweat is already beading at your forehead. It’s not even hot yet, and something mediocre is nearing you close to death. Your heart strains against your chest, but you ignore it. You have to get the water. 

You push down a second time. Now, the container is half full of the clear stuff. It ripples in the light of the sun like a rainbow. Your head feels like it’s on fire. A slow, dull fire. You have to push a third...

With a final great heave, your blistered hands scrape against the contraption. The water gushes out like a miracle, filling the bucket again. So crisp it makes your mouth water, you kneel to the ground to catch your breath. 

Stop, your heart begs. Stop. Rest. But the responsibility is staring you dead in the eyes, and you can’t ignore it. And you can’t ask Eren to go a day without water. He deserves it. For Eren’s sake, you must do this. 

Although your world is dizzy, you push yourself to your feet. Your blistered fingers wrap around the handle, ready to pick it off the ground without issue. However, water buckets are heavy. There is nothing you can do but struggle to raise it off the ground, tears and sweat pricking at the corners of your eyes and goosebumps appearing at your arms. It’s not even really that chilly. 

Eren was like a God sent. You didn’t fully hear what he said to you, but you felt his arms slide around you to lift you up. “Y/N, do you hear me? You have to stand, alright?” You hadn’t replied. 

Jaeger connected the dots. With one half of his body, he leveraged you up and to your feet. With the other, he grabbed the pail of water and began moving forward. 

It was slow with you practically slumped against him, but he was a soldier. Eren wasn’t about to just let you drop in the middle of nowhere. He wouldn’t let you succumb to your illness that easily, if he let you succumb to anything at all. 

Eren set you on your bed. You had a fever, so he laid a wet cloth across your forehead. He stripped you down to your undergarments as respectfully as one could, laying two more rags on your forearms for extra help. Then he drew you  a bath, knowing the water would be cold for your lingering fever. He never asked for anything in return. 

But, he had set a hand against your shoulder. His thumb ran in soft circles against your hot skin, a comforting, loving gesture. You could feel his long hair brush against your chest as he leaned down to make sure your heart was still beating. Aside from a slight palpitation, it seemed in working order. 

His brushing thumb lingered a moment longer before he let you rest. Even in sleep, you missed it. You wouldn’t forget this. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

This leads us into the final Stage. Stage 5. The one where you die at the end. 

“Eren,” you call out softly, watching the curtain windows sheer in the sunlight. 

In response, the boy bows his head to look down at you. His eyes are calm, but bright as always. His hair is half up, half down. Laying between his thighs comfortably, your stomach rumbles from hunger. Despite this, things are quiet. 

“Yes?” he replies.

You swallow dryly. Then you reveal your desire. “Do you sing?”

His right hand comes to rest on your forehead. Yes, you have the fever again. But Eren knows you are in the right mind. His thumb strokes your temple, catching a few wisps of your hair as he does so. 

“Not well,” he answers with the ghost of a smile. “You want me to sing to you?”

You shift, and one of your hand grazes by his knee. “Maybe,” you tease back. Then you frown. “You seem tired today.”

Eren exhales. His right hand lays against your forehead, a mix of concern and something like affection.

“Is it the Attack Titan?” you continue, gazing up at him through soft lashes. 

It was. Eren’s history- the worlds history- was churning around his mind until it seemed like a bunch of mush. You were the only thing that was clear to him at this point. But you were silent. Calm, compared to everything else in the universe. 

“No,” Eren decides to assure light heartedly. His thumb begins to circle around your sticky skin in the little way that it does. “It’s nothing.”

Silence again. 

The warm breeze brushes against the window outside, but it’s not loud. It’s warm from the light of the sun, and the hills of emerald grass span for miles ahead. The sky is as blue as the birds that soar across it. Serene. That was how you would describe the life you currently lead. And blessed be you for leading it as peacefully and quietly as the loud and complicated world would allow. 

“I think I’m going to die soon.”

The quiet was broken with another fracture of quiet. Eren’s heart gave a great, vibrating beat, and then paused. In contrast, you couldn’t recall the last time you’d heard your heart beat. 

All the violent death he’d seen, just for you to die of an unknown illness? 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

You knew you were going to die at the end. You knew it for a fact. You’d just gotten lucky. 

Lucky, you think as you look up at the man above you. Yeah, I’m lucky. 

His pacing is held back for fear of hurting you. His long, dark hair sways back and forth in time with his thrusts. His face is contorted, mixed with an overwhelming feeling of pleasure and determination. There’s a little clear, slick spot on the corner of his lips. It slips from between, drips down his chin, and onto your abdomen. Eren wants to apologize, but his teeth are gritted together and he doesn’t want to embarrass either of you with shaky words. 

You don’t mind. There’s no need for Eren to apologize. Eren is and always has been a sight for sore eyes, especially for you. And, blessings onto your own soul, you’re getting more butterflies from knowing he’s one of the last things you’ll see and feel than what he’s doing with you. 

Your eyes are glued to his. What color are they? Emerald, like the grass? Blue, like the sky? Could they be teal? Yes, that must be it. Though, sometimes you swear they’re gold instead. 

Lucky. 

You both end up finishing. He keeps himself from collapsing on top of you before asking if you’ll be alright if he bathes. You assure him it’s more than okay as he rubs his thumb over your temple. Some people might be upset at their partner for leaving after what you’ve done, but you understood. Physical contact is hard for soldiers. You know. But Eren promises he’ll be back silently, because he feels guilty about it. 

If you had a bit longer, maybe this wouldn’t be the only time you and the boy could do this. Actually, what had even led to it? What had taken it this long? You’d had dinner. The light from the candles came on, and you’d met his gaze. The rest was all steam and blurs. 

When your living mate returns, your back is facing from him. You’re watching the fresh drops of rain crash against the window, falling from under a dark grey cast. There will be a thunderstorm tonight. You wonder if Eren will want to stay in your bed tonight, or if he’ll insist on taking the bench. 

You feel his hands, previously burning hot, touch your shoulder, now ice cold. The mattress dips under his weight behind you, and then you feel his toned torso flush against you. 

His face brushes against your ear so you can hear him speak softly. “I’m sorry if I took too long,” Eren mutters. A few wisps of hair brush against your jaw, but he’s tied it back now. 

In one fluid motion, a hand of your own comes to stroke at his cheek. “You didn’t.”

His eyes narrow as he looks down at you, before he pulls away to put his face in the back of your neck. His hand remains around you tight, so you know he wants you right where you are. 

You didn’t tell Eren that your time was practically numbered. Maybe it would be weeks, days, or hours. You should’ve told him before you let him inside you, but you’d been a bit distracted. Anxious, too. The moment was worth ruining with something so silly and small. But now it’s done. The only sounds echoing around the cabin is the pitter pattering of the rain, and the oncoming onslaught of booming thunder. 

You have to tell him, you say to yourself as his grip on you tightens. Before he tugs your body closer like a lover again.

Before you can speak, Eren mumbles something against the skin of your neck. “Follow my lead.”

What?

He hums for a few seconds. At first, you think it’s just the hum of insanity, random and undefined. The you realize the changes in pitch are too thought out to be random. It’s a song. 

“...always picking a fight with me...”

It feels hazy, far away. Sort of heavenly. Even with his low, muffled voice, it’s easy to hear the musical tones oozing from the whole thing. 

“...you know I’m bad, but you’re still spending the night with me.”

That line feels more like he’s speaking it into you. It’s personal. 

“...what do you want from my world?”

If you had it your way, or his way, there wouldn’t be anybody else but the two of you and your cabin. Still, this also feels like a genuine question. Maybe it is. 

There’s a dry kiss placed against your shoulder blade before Eren continues the tune. Humming. And then, “...every night I’m out... killin’, send everyone runnin'...”

Eren pulls you closer against him and inhales somewhat sharply. You crane your neck deeper into the pillow, silently wishing that you could feel his swollen lips against it.

  “I know you’re mad at me,” he sings, a bit clearer now. “I have demon eyes.”

Eren’s hand creeps up from your shoulder to your throat, able to choke you if he so wanted. His thumb strokes over your Adam’s apple instead. Eren grants your wish, raising his face so his lips brush over the skin by your jaw instead of the back of your head. A soft kiss is pressed to the area, almost as if he was nervous. 

“...they’re looking right through your anatomy...”, he seems to nuzzle against you lightly, though that feels somewhat out of character. “...your deepest fears, I’m not from here...”

Like before, he pushes his head back into your hair. He groans like he’s stretching before going on. 

“...to me, you’re clear... transparent. You have a thing for me... it’s apparent...”

The rain is falling harder now. 

“...you’re not so bad...”

Eren isn’t bad at all. He sighs against you, his fingers stroking your skin gently. 

“...it’s not something I have to try... oh, for the table, as long as I am able... I’m not trying to be bad.”

I’m going to die soon, Eren.

“No... different.”

He doesn’t continue. Only his thumb continues on, circling round and round in an unknowing attempt to express comfort.

“I thought you said you didn’t sing well,” you whisper into the darkness. 

“I don’t,” he speaks against you.

What a liar. And you, the lucky one for knowing the truth.

Eren doesn’t move positions until you’ve fallen asleep, at which point he eventually turns his back to you in his own slumber. And Eren knew that you were sick, but he also knew that you were capable. 

You weren’t breathing when he woke up. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

I guess that’s that. I think I like it but I’m not sure about the ending. Mine aren’t usually so simple. Maybe I should’ve made it less depressing. Eh. 

[spxllcxstxr]

Bridge Over Troubled Water • R.L

(Gif not mine)

Requests: can you do a blurb with Remus where the reader is nervous and anxious, maybe has a tough week and he gives her a massage and helps her relax? — anon and Hi! can you write an imagine where the reader is dating Remus and is disappointed in her school grades / results and is overall doubting herself and is disappointed with herself? — @emmaev

Summary: Things are getting really tough. Remus is here for you.

Warnings: mention of food, not eating/skipping a meal, hunger, depression, anxiety, a bit of a panic attack, homework, school, self deprecating thoughts, kinda take how we’re feeling in this pandemic and that’s kinda what this fic is, Snape being an ass for like two sentences, crying

Word Count: 1.7k

A.N: I hope it’s alright that I combined your two requests. But, I decided to make it longer with a lot more comfort. I really hope it’s ok with you guys ❤️ Kinda a vent fic? So that’s why it’s lowkey all over the place and the ending is sorta..abrupt? I hope you like it, though. I wanna say that I’m always here for you guys. This whole thing has been kicking my ass and school has been extremely tough for me, so know that you’re not alone. Know that you’ve got this. I believe wholeheartedly in you. Love you all. ❤️

Title: Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water

****

You trudge up the stone steps to the boys dorms, your bag dragging heavily behind you. With your robes slipping from your shoulders and your tie dangling loosely around your neck, you almost consider letting your bag go. Watching the heavy sack of books tumble recklessly down the spiral staircase seems like a great idea to you. However, you make it to the sixth year dorms before you’re able to loosen your grip.

The oak door was closed but not locked. What use was a lock when the door was charmed to singe off the eyebrows of any unwelcome visitor? Thankfully, the boys granted you complete access to their room in third year, so the door couldn’t harm you.

Turning the brass doorknob and stepping through the threshold, you’re greeted by somewhat organized chaos.

Sirius and Peter’s side of the room was a complete disaster while James and Remus’ side was at least nicer to look at. Sure a few books were scattered on the floor and James’ red and yellow underwear was hanging from his bedpost visible to anyone who walked in, but that’s nothing compared to whatever the other two have going on. You don’t even want to look at it, knowing full well that just one tiny glance would make your already terrible day worse.

The room is empty and completely quiet, the boys, just like every other person in the castle, were down in the Great Hall for dinner. At the thought of dinner just downstairs, your stomach grumbles before quickly churning in agony.

Quickly, you dump your bag next to the door and go through Remus’ drawers, searching for that one specific jumper.

It’s the deep blue cable knit one that always smells like him. The jumper is soft and warm and the perfect piece of clothing to cuddle into when you needed a good cry. And Godric, you needed a good, long, ugly cry.

After finding it and throwing it on, you barely lift up your feet walking to your boyfriend’s bed to get swallowed up by his blankets.

The weight of the day hits you full force the moment your head collides with his pillow, and your lips wobbles, the day replaying in your mind.

Your morning started with a Transfiguration exam that definitely was not on what you studied all night for.

Then, your potion bubbled out of your cauldron and started disintegrating the stone flooring, making Slughorn shoot you very disappointed look that made you want to disappear into the Forbidden Forest forever.

Defense Against the Dark Arts turned into a complete disaster as well when Professor Bluebell handed back your essays on inferi, and yours ended up with a spikey red D scrawled angrily on the top. D, which stands for Dreadful, as Snape snidely reminded you from over your shoulder. He flashed you smug little smirk along with the delicate O that adorned his own essay.

And to top it all off, you had to meet up with Flitwick right after classes to go over the vinegar to wine charm that for some reason wouldn’t work for you no matter how hard you tried. And you still weren’t successful.

This was becoming a common occurrence.

You always knew that your N.E.W.T. year was going to be tough, but Merlin, you never expected it to be this awful.

Classes were longer and harder and your professors were relentless and unforgiving with the amount of homework and exams they started handing out.

Sure you had more free periods, but those were filled with research and essays and studying, you had no free time at all—it was all a lie.

You couldn’t escape it. Sleep was just more time to be plagued by anxiety to the point you barely even slept at all. Most of the time you stared blankly up at the ceiling thinking about all the assignments you could be doing instead.

It’s this torturous and vicious cycle that you just can’t get out of.

And your motivation was quickly disappearing.

It was getting tougher and tougher each time to even do your homework. Lifting up your quill and taking out a stack of parchment was just difficult. It took too much energy out of you.

Smothering your face in Remus’ pillow, you groan out your frustration, balling your fists around the frayed sleeves of the jumper.

You’re so wrapped up in your despair and panic that you don’t hear the door creak open and four sets of footfalls and laughter bounce around the room.

“Damn, what’s up with you?” Sirius chuckles. You hear him flop onto his own bed.

You bury your nose in the fabric of the jumper, inhaling the sweet and comforting scent of chocolate and old parchment that always accompanies Remus Lupin.

“Don’t be a git, Pads.” Remus scoffs, making his way towards you.

He crouches down by your head, placing a delicate thumb on your cheekbone.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” His tone turns soft, drenched with concern.

You squeeze your eyes shut tight, tears trickling down the bridge of your nose and dripping down to the white sheets.

“Alright, darling, hold on.” Remus whispers, placing a dainty kiss on your forehead.

He straightens up, knees creaking the way no sixteen year old’s should.

“Alright, lads, clear out.” Remus declares to his friends.

“You can’t kick me out of my room, Moony. No way.” You hear James whine.

“Yes, I can, Prongs, c’mon. Go play chess with Peter or something.”

“But he always beats me.”

“C’mon, Prongsie, we can scam the first years by making them place bets on you winning.” Sirius suggests. His boots click against the floorboards, trailing towards the door.

Peter’s light footsteps follow after them.

“Fine.” James huffs dramatically. “But I’m not sleeping on the couch again, so no funny business.”

The door slams shut and once again you’re met with silence, though you do hear Remus changing out of his uniform and into more comfortable attire.

The bed dips underneath Remus’ weight and his hand gently starts to stroke through your hair.

“Tell me what’s wrong, my love.” Remus mumbles just loud enough for you to hear.

You try to swallow down the lump in the back of your throat.

“Just a very shitty day, Rem.” You manage to croak out, the words choppy and wavering.

Tears begin to flow freely, warm salty streaks making their way down your face in rapid succession.

“Oh darling.” Remus coos, practically pulling you into his arms and between his legs. You bury your face into his neck, tears dampening his scarred flesh. “It’s alright, let it out.” He continues to run your hair between his fingers. “Let it all out...”

“I-I’m just so stupid!” You sob, choking on spit. “Everything’s just getting too much and I can’t fucking take it anymore!”

He squeezes you closer to his chest, opting to stay silent so you can vent everything off of your chest. His cheek is pressed to the top of your head and you’re vaguely aware that you’re being rocked gently back and forth.

“It’s so hard!” You continue to wail, lungs constricting rapidly. It’s a struggle to keep breathing and your words barely come out fully, instead broken fragments are the only things spewing out.

“I’m a failure!” You spit out, face wet with tears.

“You’re not a failure, my love. I promise.” Remus tried to soothe, his voice adopting a small but noticeable waver. His hand rubs your back.

“I am! I’m a disappointment!” You sniff, taking in deep gulps of air.

“Shh...” Remus pulls you back a bit so he can see your entire face.

You already know you look disgusting. Eyes blotchy and red, tears streaming down your face. Snotty, spitty, wobbling, and watery features taking up his entire vision.

“What’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yours, hm? Let me help.” He consoles you softly.

You gaze into his warm honey brown eyes, glistening with his own tears.

You sniff, rubbing the sleeves of Remus’ stolen jumper across your face in an attempt to dry yourself off.

“Everything’s slipping, Rem. My grades, my mental health, everything. And I’m so lost I don’t know what to do anymore.” You confess. “What am I supposed to do?” You bring your hands up to you hair, tugging at your scalp enough for you to feel sparks of pain.

Quickly, his own trembling hands take yours. He stops you from tugging, instead bringing them to rest on his jumper clad chest.

You swallow harshly.

“I’m going to help you, (Y/n)—“

“You can’t help me, Remus! I’m beyond help—“

“No, you’re not.” He retorts lightly. “I’ll help you with homework and help you ask for a few extensions...we can get you back on track.”

“Remus...” Your voice trembles at his kindness.

“I’m sorry.” He rasps out, a tear or two slipping from his waterline. “I’m so so sorry that I didn’t see you suffering like this. Merlin, (Y/n).”

Shaking his head at himself, he brings his forehead down to your own.

“I’ll be better. I’ll be better, I swear.” Remus keeps repeating in a pained mutter.

“It’s not your fault, Rem. I got good at acting like everything was fine.” Your voice cracks.

“Still! I should’ve realized!” He mutters angrily.

“I love you, Remus. I love you so much, please don’t beat yourself up over this.” You plead.

He bites his lip, deciding to drop it, instead focusing on you.

“Why don’t we try to relax, hm? Just take a nice night off?” Remus suggests, pulling away to brush strands of hair away from your sticky face.

“But what about homework—?”

“Tomorrow, love. I think we deserve a break, don’t you?”

You shlyly nod, and he presses his lips to your forehead.

“You’re beautiful, darling.” Remus whispers.

“I just bawled my eyes out, Rem, I’m sure I look like a swamp hag.” You snort.

He brings his hands to your shoulders, rubbing deep circles into your back muscles. The knots start to dissipate.

“Never seen a swamp hag as angelic as you.” Remus flirts. But his voice is so sincere and honest, you have no choice but to somewhat believe him.

“Thank you, Remus.” You smile. “It means so much to me.”

“Anything for the love of my life.” He confesses, trailing his pink lips down your neck. “Now let me hold you close.”

He lays down, resting his head on his pillow, your head resting on his chest.

Things are going to get better.

Probably not tomorrow.

Probably not this week.

But things will.

•

All Character Taglist: @aspiringsloth20

[ukai-simp-services]

because i love you

prompt: tainted hues: “if you loved them, why did you break their heart?”

@tooruluv | #tooruluv2kparty

oikawa x fem!reader

warnings: heavy angst, poor mental health, depression, heartbreak, small panic attack, alcoholism.

a/n: why am i so sad after writing this,, i think this is my first time writing angst with no fluff T^T

  somewhere in argentina, there is a large penthouse with tall windows and cornered with perfectly trimmed green hedges. the interior of the penthouse is simple, there are no memories cluttering the walls, there are no fairy lights adorning the windows, there are no bento boxes in the fridge, and there are no sweet scented candles in every room of the house.

  there is only dull colored furniture, only overflowing laundry baskets, only a kitchen sink filled to the brim with dirty dishes, and only empty liquor bottles littering the dining table. 

  a home without you, is hardly a home.

  in this penthouse, a young man, barely 25 years old, sits at the kitchen table with a glass of fernet in his hand. one large window is opened, letting the warm evening breeze rustle the thin kitchen curtains and brush over his exposed skin. 

  oikawa still couldn’t stop thinking about what iwaizumi had asked him two years ago. 

  no amount of mind numbing liquor could ever make him forget that interaction -inevitably, the last face-to-face interaction he ever had with his best friend. 

  “oikawa, if you loved her, then why would you break her heart?”

   oikawa gasps to himself, suddenly feeling chills run up his back, as if the memory happened just yesterday.

  he remembers vividly how furious iwaizumi’s voice was and the tired look in his best friend’s eyes - a look that all but told oikawa that he was exhausted picking up the shattered pieces that he always left behind.

  he downs the glass of fernet.

  he pours himself another.

  he remembers that, that was the first time he had nothing to say - the first time that tōru oikawa was at a loss for words. because men like oikawa, men with quick rebuttals and prepared excuses, always knew exactly what to say in every situation. 

  that day, iwaizumi had walked away from oikawa with sadness in his eyes, no trace of hostility to be found anymore. there was no slap to the back of oikawa’s head, no ear piercing screaming of a lecture, and no insults thrown at him. there was nothing.

  but oikawa would’ve preferred a slap to the head or some sort of beating.

  a gentle ache presents itself in oikawa’s throat, threatening a small cry to stumble out.

  oikawa washes it away with a swig to his drink.

  iwaizumi is a faint presence in oikawa’s life now, he calls and texts - the occasional check up - but he had stopped being his best friend a long time ago. 

  losing a brother pains him; it burns from the depths of his core, but losing you practically kills him; it steals every bit of oxygen from his lungs. 

  because, ultimately, you were his reason for living - for breathing; your warmth, your comfort, your presence is what kept oikawa going every day. without you, his days are meaningless, he inevitably lives his life without purpose. 

  but, now he finds it ironic; he chose volleyball over you, his life.

  everyday, from 9am to 7pm, he mindlessly serves, sets, and passes a volleyball. for hours on end, he feels his muscles contract and relax as he tosses the ball up high, just for him to smack it down against a cold and shiny gym floor, he watches at it ricochets back into the air just to fall back down onto the ground again. bounce bounce bounce, till the sound ceases and the ball rests in its place.  

  oikawa now wonders when a blinding passion - a heart pounding desire to play this sport, turned into just a distraction. he finds that now when the very familiar surface of the volleyball brushes up against his palm, he no longer feels his adrenaline pumping with excitement; he feels resent.

  because trying to dissipate his memories of you by overworking his body everyday no longer worked anymore, if anything it only made things worse. 

  every game, every screech of his name from the crowd, every praising cheer after he makes an award winning serve, it all reminds him that you aren’t in the stands cheering him on. faces upon faces, all different colors and all different shapes, none of them are yours. 

  oikawa hisses as he feels a dull ache in his knee, the same knee you would spend hours massaging after practice every day.

  the lump in his throat has become more apparent now, he drowns it out with the bitter liquid in his cup - trying to suppress the feelings that will always be there. 

  he is only 25, yet he can feel his body beginning to give up on him. his muscles are weaker than they were two years ago, his bones throb under his weight with every step he takes, and his mind is continuously drifting off into oblivion. 

  he wonders who he is living for at this point. he can’t lie to himself and say that volleyball is his reason, because then who is he playing it for?

  this country; even with its busy streets and loud music - he still can’t help but feel alone. 

  his favorite memory of you plays in his mind like a film, it’s grainy and colored with a brown, faded hue. your hair whipping in the wind, your dress flowing over your hips, your feet sinking into the sand, your hand intertwined with his, and your mouth open with that melody of a laugh spilling out of it. 

  he remembers your skin felt soft, flawless against his calloused palm. shimmering silver earrings decorated your ears, a gift he had gotten you for your birthday. the air around you was warm, despite the unforgiving ocean winds that was tussling through your hair and clothes. 

  as the memory plays, your laugh begins to fade away in the wind, the already loud noise getting increasingly louder and louder. his ears are ringing now, he can’t hear your laugh anymore. the sky is no longer a heavenly blue, it is now an unsettling gray. your body, your hand holding his, the scenery of the beach, is being ripped from his mind and transforming into a different memory, one he would kill to forget. 

  there you were, eyes big and brimming with tears, standing in front of him. the beach background has now turned into your shared apartment in japan, both of you in the living room. you open your mouth, but oikawa can’t hear your voice - he remembers your words vividly, but his mind refuses to play them. 

  tears spilling down your cheeks, your hands balled into fists; oikawa watches as he breaks down the one person who he deemed to be unbreakable. everything he had built - everything you had built, he watches fall apart for the hundredth time. 

  a sharp pain shoots through his chest, snapping him back to reality.

  he clutches at the fabric of his t-shirt, heaving breaths fall from his lips as he tries to compose himself. 

  the cup full of fernet falls to the floor, pieces of his heart are scattered on the floor alongside the broken glass. 

  oikawa lost meaning in his life the second he walked out the door that shameful day; he lost his motivation, his strive.

  everyday, his body aches with loss. the sounds of cars racing down the busy streets, the loud music playing from his favorite coffee shop, the smacking of countless volleyballs being slammed down onto gym floors, and the lively chattering coming from some rom-com that he left playing on his flat screen tv, all sound like background noise to him - numbly playing in his ears as background music to the memories he constantly has playing in his mind. 

  oikawa never knew about loss or pain until you, never imagined that this is what it would feel like. 

  but, loss has made him wiser; he knows now what will lie ahead for the both of you. he knows that as years come and go, the pain will begin to diminish a little, bit by bit - but he also knows that there’s no way that it’ll ever fully leave his heart. 

  because, as he gets older, he’ll only get more tired. his skin will begin to wrinkle, hair will start to gray, his bones will ache from weight of the world, his lungs will begin collapsing from the pressure constantly on his chest, and his heart will eventually cease to beat, from the death grip you still have on it. 

  he will age unforgivingly, eyes devoid of any color - they have already lost the once charming glint they used to hold. 

  unlike him, he knows you’ll only burn brighter as the upcoming years pass you by. 

  you’ll get back on your feet, your skin will glow again, your muscles will strengthen and your heart will beat with a newfound passion to love yourself - that’s something he’s always admired about you, the passion you held for all things involving love.

  you’ll age with an unstoppable beauty; you’ll laugh and smile so much that permanent crinkles will form next to your eyes, you’ll dance so much that your muscles grow tired, you’ll fall in love again and have all those kids you wanted - kids that will fill every single gap in your heart that oikawa left behind. 

  despite pure science and human biology, your youth will never leave you. you’re one of the few people oikawa has met that have the ability to live young forever. your soul is unbreakable. sure, oikawa may have put a mere scratch on it, but he never came close to cracking it. 

  and that’s the difference between you and him; he will die miserable and alone, heart poorly stitched together and the inside of his body bruised and weak. you will pass away surrounded by people who also - like him - became allured by your kind spirit and your lively energy. his body will fall weak from exhaustion, but yours will fall weak from years of dancing and laughing and singing. his heart will die battered with pain, your heart will die full of love and forgiveness. 

  it’s painful to think about, but oikawa knows this is the truth, and simply just how life works. he won’t sugarcoat it for himself, he knows his ending is exactly what he deserves. 

  so he begins writing a note. the bottle of fernet he was previously so dependent on, is now long forgotten. he holds a shiny black pen in his hand and a white slip of paper in his other. he clicks the pen and holds the tip above the blank page for a few beats; hesitating, before he’s letting the words flow out. 

  it starts, with an answer to a question.

  “i broke her heart, because i love her.”

[anjaelle]

Heavy Weight

Pair: Boxer!August Walker x Black!OFC Warnings: Mention of Blood, Mention of Bruising, Mentions of Depression, Mention of Abuse, Mention of Self Harm; Some comfort.  Summary: The various ways in which a man learns about vulnerability. Word Count: 1.5k a/n: This is some dark shit. Idk where this came from, and I’m sorry if it triggers someone. I tried not to be too graphic. More of the focus is on him than the relationship, if that makes sense.

________________________________________________________

  “Tell me... if I’m doing too much,” he sighed between kisses, “tell me if you need me to let up.” 

 She smiled against his mouth, placing a splayed hand on his firm chest, “I will.” 

“I’m serious.”

“I know.” 

The very first time he touched her, he worried that his hands were too rough with callouses. It was something that weighed heavy on this mind, so much so that it may have affected his performance. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything about it. She was too polite to do things like that, so of course she wouldn’t. 

Sometimes he questioned why she stayed with someone who couldn’t relax. She pressed her delicate fingers into the muscles of his back and joked that the tension could crack a diamond. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, allowing himself to fall deeper into the softness of her. This time, his  hands tangled into her thick curls as he placed kisses along the curve of her throat. She giggled, and it sounded like a melodic bell. 

He wanted to shield her from the world he came from. Women like her couldn’t handle the brutality of his life, and he wouldn’t blame them. It just meant that he didn’t spend much time getting invested. When she asked to see him fight, he shut her down immediately, claiming that it wasn’t her scene. It resulted in a small argument, and she conceded. But it was a hollow victory when he came home to an empty apartment. Eventually he offered a compromise: she could watch the match from home. It was the only way he could stomach it--he couldn’t bear to imagine her face in the crowd as he used the hands she loved for violence. 

And then he lost. 

And he came home bitter and tired. She reached up to brush his hair from his swollen eye and he flinched away from her before excusing himself to go to the bathroom. As soon as he found the strength to confront her, she pressed a bag of frozen peas to his face in an effort to bring the swelling down. He protested. She underestimated how much battering he could take, and he told her as much, forcing a grin on his split lips. 

“I’m a big boy,” he semi-joked, “I’ll be alright.” 

He wouldn’t touch her that night. He couldn’t. His knuckles were bruised, and his mouth was bloody. He was angry about losing, and he didn’t want to be held or kissed. Instead he spent the night on the couch, watching footage of his father in his prime. Every time she checked on him, he murmured that he’d be in bed soon, only choosing to go to bed when he was sure she was asleep and wouldn’t ask him questions. 

The second time she watches him fight, she calls him as soon as its over. The high of victory doubles when he hears her voice, and he just wants to go home to her.

“You did so well, baby!” She exclaims, “I’m so proud of you. We have to celebrate!” 

 Instead the crew took him to a bar without her. He lost count of how much whiskey he drank, how many girls he ignored, how many pats on the back he received from strangers. And as the night progressed, and the alcohol wore off,  the guilt hit him like a freight train. 

When he finally arrived home, she was asleep on the couch, curled up in one of his gym hoodies that fit snugly in some places and baggy in others. For once, he was glad he sobered up before he came home. He didn’t want to forget this image. He picked her up, and she mumbled tiredly into his shoulder. 

“You didn’t come home...” she sighed.

“I tried. I’m sorry.” 

He removed his liquor stained shirt and jeans, and crawled into bed with her, placing kisses on her forehead. 

“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” she said. He wasn’t sure what she meant. Maybe she was talking in her sleep. He swallowed hard and held her close.

“I won’t.” 

The third time she watches him fight, he loses again. And she watches him shrink into himself, live on national television. He came home bruised and battered, but he forced a smile on his face when she greeted him at the door. It didn’t meet his eyes, and she noticed. She made an attempt to ask if he was okay, and as usual he brushed it off as just disappointment. 

It was more than that, and they both knew it. 

Once again, he refused to touch her. She reached out to rub his back as he passed her in the kitchen, and he flinched, his shoulders tensing up. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked with pleading eyes, “Does something hurt?” 

He hesitated and sighed, “A little.” 

That was a start.

He held her hand as she led him to the bathroom, and he effortlessly lifted her onto the countertop so that they were eye-level. 

“Let me look at you,” she gently commanded, which brought a small spark of amusement to his eyes. He couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips.

“So you’re going to play doctor now?”

“Shush,” she cupped his face in her hands and kissed his crooked nose. 

She applied ointment to the cuts on his knuckles and wrapped them up with a kiss. His heart melted. “Looks good,” he said, flexing his hand, “I might have to let you in the locker room before the matches.” 

She smiled brightly at the compliment, “See! I can help, sometimes. You should let me do this more often. Y’know?” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, “Didn’t I tell you not to leave me behind? Let me take care of you, August.” 

Something crossed his features. It was the first time she’d ever seen it.

“Fuck, I love you so much.” He confessed, grasping her face in his hands.

He pressed a long kiss to her soft lips. For once, he willed himself to forget the events of the night. He wrapped her thighs around his hips and sighed into her mouth. She felt his heartbeat thud rapidly against her chest, and his breathing picked up. Suddenly she felt the wetness on her cheeks. 

“Babe,” she tried to pull away, but he moved to kiss down her neck, “Baby...”

He said nothing but pulled her closer to rest his head on her shoulder. Suddenly he hyperventilated and his body shook with sobs. Despite his comparatively massive frame, he felt so small in her arms as she held him and let him cry. 

--

It took some time to open up. She made the suggestion based on her own experiences, but it was ultimately his decision to take the leap. He was uncomfortable. He didn’t really like talking. But he was tired of feeling angry all the goddamn time. 

“Why are you a boxer?”

“I guess it seemed like the best case scenario? I’ve always been a good fighter. I might as well get paid to punch people in the face. It’s a better use of my time and energy.” And his anger. But that didn’t seem like something he wanted to admit. He didn’t want the guy to think he was a lunatic with violence issues. 

“How do you feel in the ring?” 

“I don’t know. Fine, I guess. Sometimes it just feels like a game. Like a strategy thing...I hate losing though.” 

He scribbled something down on his stupid yellow notepad.

“Well, that’s understandable. Losing sucks.” 

“Yeah, but it feels like an extra punch in the gut. I just really hate losing. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t even have my job in the first place.” 

Doctor So-and-So raises his eyebrows behind his thick rimmed glasses. 

“Why do you feel that way?”

“My job is to win matches. What the hell do I have to gain from losing them?” He chuckled bitterly, “I used to just let my cuts and bruises fester. Just so I’d remember how much the shit sucks and I won’t lose again. I feel like I only lose when I forget what losing feels like.” 

There’s a heavy pause after that admission, and the therapist scribbles something else down. 

“August, there’s no shame in failure. Why do you feel like you should punish yourself for human error?” 

“How else will I improve?” He automatically said. Then he caught himself, dropping his head in his hands, “Fuck. Fuck that old bastard to hell. I thought that shit was normal,” he admitted. “I thought every guy dealt with this. It helped you build a thicker skin. I don’t think I’d have the career I do if it wasn’t for him. I always think, ‘whatever these guys hit me with, I’ve dealt with worse from my old man’.” 

That was the first time he’d admitted any of this aloud. The feeling was strange, like a small weight lifted from his shoulders. It wasn’t much, but it was something...

[angstysebfan]

Okay I think I'm gonna hurt my own heart with this but hey, it's angst. Could you please write something where reader and Bucky are married, have a child or children and still work as Avengers. Maybe one day reader is sent to go on a mission and Bucky stays home on dad duty. Reader's mission goes badly and she doesn't make it home, leaving him all alone 😭.

(I may request an alternative ending to this because I'm a soft bean).

Oookay can I change up my second request that I sent, please (I've decided my heart can't handle the horrible ending I suggested 😂. Yes I'm a wuss). So mission still goes awry and they think reader is dead because they don't find her body. So Bucky is still told horrible news that she is dead. Maybe a month later he gets a call from a hospital that says they have her and have finally identified who she is and she's okay. (2/2)

--

Lol!! I understand not wanting the angsty ending. I might write angst, but I hate writing angsty endings... lmao! Hope you like this. WARNING: MENTIONS OF BLOOD AND INJURIES.

--

Be Careful

Bucky kissed you passionately, not wanting to let you go. You pull back and give him a smile, “I’ll be home before you know it. Take care of our little bean while his mommy kicks some ass,” you say as you walk backwards away.

“I will. Be careful. I love you, Doll,” Buck says with a smile.

You blow him a kiss before you climb the ramp to the quinjet before going on a solo mission. You turn back and look at your husband, “I love you more!” you shout before entering the quinjet.

Bucky watches as the quinjet lifts off and flies you away, until you are finally out of sight. He turns and goes back into the compound and into your shared apartment, where your 8 month old son is blissfully asleep in his crib. Bucky quickly checks on him before going back out into the common room, knowing FRIDAY will let him know if the baby wakes up.

--

It’s been several hours and there has been no word from you, and Bucky was starting to get nervous. You were supposed to check in an hour ago, but Steve told him to not panic. Bucky tried to distract himself with caring for your son. He fed him, played with him a little bit, gave him a bath and put him to bed. He hoped you would have been home before he went to bed, but there was still no word. 

Bucky sat in bed, thinking about what could have happened. He tried to think about how something had gone wrong, and you had to find a safehouse, and it was taking a little longer. He knew something was wrong, but when Steve knocked on the door, and Bucky saw his face, he knew it was worse than he could imagine. 

Wanda came to watch the baby, while Bucky went with Steve, Sam, and Nat to the location where they lost signal from you. When they landed outside of the abandoned HYDRA base, they search and eventually find your empty quinjet about a half mile away. 

Bucky ran over to it, calling for you in desperation. It was dark, but with the lights on the quinjet, the team was horrified to not only not find you, but see a lot of blood around the inside quinjet. Bucky thought he was either going to throw up or pass out. Nat seeing his reaction, pulled Bucky out of the quinjet so he can breath some fresh air. 

Sam looked at Steve sadly, “This is a lot of blood, Steve. If this is hers, there is no way Y/N is...” Sam couldn’t bare to finish his sentence. Steve took a sample with a piece equipment Tony and Bruce created, which showed that the blood did indeed belong to you. He sighs defeatedly and looks out of the quinjet where Nat was holding a sobbing Bucky.

He walks out and looks at Nat, “Take him back to the compound and have Tony and yourself come back when the sun is up. Sam and I are going to continue to search the area,” he says. 

Bucky pulls away from Nat, “I’m not leaving. I am finding my wife,” he says.

“Buck, you have to go back to the compound and take care of your son. You aren’t emotionally able to handle this mission. If the roles were reversed you would say the same to me,” Steve said, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. 

Bucky choked on a sob, but nodded, knowing Steve was right. Nat pulled Bucky to the other quinjet and set off toward the compound. Bucky was silent the whole ride, praying to whatever god there was that you were still alive. He knew he was going to make whoever hurt you pay no matter what, but he needed you to be alive.

--

The next day Wanda stayed with Bucky to help with his son, as she knew Bucky was distracted waiting to hear back from the team. When he saw the quinjet land he ran out, hoping that they found you. Steve walked out and looked devastated and like he was crying. Bucky took a deep breath as Steve walked up to him, “Buck...”

Bucky nodded, knowing you were dead. “I’m sorry. We couldn’t even recover her body,” Steve said, fighting back tears.

Bucky took a deep breath, wiping the tears that threatened to fall. He looked behind Steve and saw the rest of the team crying, all feeling the devastation of losing their friend. Bucky took a deep breath as Wanda brought his son out to him, knowing Bucky needed him. 

Bucky looked at his hansom son, who looks just like you, with Bucky’s eyes. How was ever going to be able to explain to him how he failed to keep his mother safe? How would he explain how amazing his mother was and how much she loved him, and Bucky let her go out alone and get herself killed? 

He forced himself to swallow the sob that threatened to come out when looking at his son and grabbed him from Wanda and held him close. After a few moments and walked away from team, not able to handle seeing them distraught. He went to his apartment and sat on the couch with his son in his arms. He looked at the big smile on his sons face and let the sob out. 

“I’m so sorry,” he cried.

--

After a funeral a few days later, Bucky was benched from missions, though he was pretty sure he was going to retire now anyway. He didn’t want to make his son an orphan, plus he was in no mood to go out and save the world. He tried to act normal for his son, but every night he cried himself to sleep while he held your pillow, which still smelled like you. 

He constantly apologized to you for letting you get hurt and killed. He had made a vow to protect you and he failed. He would never forgive himself for that. He knew his son would never forgive him either once he was old enough to understand. The team tried to be there, especially Steve, but Bucky was pushing everyone away. They all understood, but was worried about him. 

It’s been a month and Bucky was not doing well. Nat stepped in and started taking care of the baby. Bucky fell into a deeper depression then he thought possible, and finally asked for help to take care of his son. He felt he didn’t deserve to have his son. Steve had never been so worried for his friend and didn’t know what to do.

Tony and Sam took lead in looking for the people who did this, and went on a mission to another HYDRA base. Once they entered the facility they went to find files to see if they could get information, but what they found surprised them even more.

--

Bucky was lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. This was life for him recently, and he was ok with it, since he obviously deserved it. Your death, he concluded, was punishment for his transgressions as the Winter Soldier. He did start to take better care of his son, but still required a lot of help. 

While lying there, Steve came in, not bothering to knock. He rushed over to Bucky. “Buck, there is news,” Steve said urgently.

Bucky let out a sigh, “I thought revenge was what I wanted, but I don’t have the energy to find them and kill them. It won’t bring her back,” Bucky said sadly.

“No, Buck... Tony and Sam... they... they found her,” Steve said.

Bucky sat up and looked at his friend, “You mean they found her body?” he asked, hoping that’s not what he meant.

Steve shook his head, “She is alive, Pal. She is down in med bay, and she is alive, awake, and asking for you.”

Bucky was never up and out of bed faster, running out of the room and toward the elevator to get down there. He had to see it for himself. Once he got down to med bay he ran down the hall to where Tony was standing.

“Woah Barnes, you have to stop and take a deep breath before you go in. She needs to remain calm, you got it?” Tony said quietly.

Bucky nodded and slowly walked in and saw you lying in the bed, bruised, bloody, but alive. He thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest. “Y/N?” he asked, still not believing his eyes. 

You looked at him and immediately relaxed, “Bucky,” you said in a raspy voice. 

Bucky walked over to your bed and grabbed your outstretched hand. “Baby? Is... is it really you?” he asked.

You let a watery laugh escape, “It’s me baby. I’m sorry I’m late,” you said. 

You pull Bucky into a hug and you both cried into each others shoulder. Wanda brought your son into the room, and you both held him and each other tightly. Bucky swore nothing and no one would ever take you away from him again. You were home, safe, and alive. He was going to make sure you always were.

--

Oh i loved this one! Thank you for requesting it! Hope you liked it!

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