#and refuse to acknowledge your own capacity to hurt others

[iamnmbr3]

Why are the so many parallels between Dudley, James, Draco?... each an only child, self-absorbed, spoiled by their loving/over doting parents, bully others, James and Draco are also both posh pure-blood legacy children, all of them show their capacity to grow beyond that with the limited screen time the book efforts them (for James and Dudley somewhat understandable) but Draco actually has the best placement in the story for that and yet that the one Rowling doesnt want us the focus on

You raise several interesting points here.

There are tons of parallels. One of the reasons Harry almost immediately dislikes Draco is that when they first meet Draco reminds him of Dudley due to his air of spoiled entitlement when he casually asserts that he'll bully his parents into buying him what he wants. (Interestingly, Draco is actually posturing here - while his parents do spoil him to an extent, he most certainly is not able to push them around the way Dudley does with his parents; furthermore, I cannot imagine Vernon publicly reprimanding and shaming Dudley the way Lucius does with Draco in Borgin & Burkes in book 2.) The bigotry of the Malfoys also is ironically paralleled by how the Dursleys view the magical world.

James's dialogue when he first meets Snape & Lily directly and presumably intentionally echoes Draco's dialogue in Madam Malkin's. And James's bullying of Snape may possibly be born of bigoted, classist attitudes though that is speculation. Certainly the friend he views most as an equal is Sirius - who is both pureblood and also, like James, extremely wealthy. The way James treats his friends - especially Peter - more like subordinates also mirrors Draco's relationship with Crabbe and Goyle who are below him in the social hierarchy he is part of and act more as minions than as true friends and confidantes.

And of course Dudley, James, and Draco are all bullies. I actually think James and Dudley are the most similar of the 3. While Draco is a bully, his actions are much milder and less violent than those of James and Dudley. Also, Draco's attitudes and behavior are known and encouraged by his parents. In fact, Draco's biggest problem is that he lacks a penchant for cruelty and does not enjoy or wish to partake in the kind of violence that's expected of him. I would imagine that James and Dudley were both spoiled and that their parents turned a blind eye to their enjoyment of tormenting and hurting others, rather than openly encouraging it. I still find the sadism on display in "Snape's Worst Memory" to be one of the most deeply disturbing scenes in the books.

Now. We never really see any evidence that James changed although we are told he did. We do see a rather touching growth arc for Dudley. Draco also has an incredibly interesting redemption arc and by the last page of book 7 he has completely renounced his old views and behaviors. JK Rowling acknowledges this and yet, inexplicably, refuses to admit Draco got a redemption arc. Despite openly admitting that he changed. Which is...a redemption arc. She seems deeply resentful of the fact that fans like this character and responded to the complexity and growth that she herself wrote for him. It's genuinely bizarre and I don't get it. I suppose perhaps it's a mix of her hating drarry and how popular it became and also not having a good understanding of her own work. But your guess is as good as mine.

[zhuoyichenpretty]

ep 24 commentary (brain fried edition)

my head is a little empty after ep 24 tbh!! brain is not braining after all the zyc hurt no comfort (-:

some scattered thoughts here and there, painstakingly corralled like cats out of my vacuous brain and into a list (spoilers):

ZYZ is really emo this episode poor dude like he is having a hard time keeping it together it seems. Every other word out of his mouth is depressing as shit, which is saying a lot considering how depressing he usually is already (': I kind of wanted this episode to pick his brain more, give him room to emote in the aftermath of all that. But it almost feels like the character refuses to be alone, like he might spiral if he has too much time to get in his own head. I'm still so curious to know, though, what he thinks about the state of their promise in light of how far ZYC went trying to save him. “He has us,” ZYZ said to WX. When the time comes, I wonder how he'll reconcile that with what he’s asked of ZYC.

PSJ and Ying Lei bonding! shenanigans! I did laugh thank you guys. Also, not that the team didn't operate separately before, but I really get a sense of how much ZYC held things together with how apparent his absence is. It's obvs heartwarming seeing how hard everyone is working to save him (PSJ especially for me bc I love their mutual tacit trust and respect and all the ways they're alike and different), but ultimately it's still so angsty (':

Kind of love the couple instances where ZYC has been referred to as fragile/weak/of delicate constitution (depending on how you wanna translate it) like that's a very interesting quality to assign to basically the tank of your team. Even if the comments are made facetiously, it just reminds me of how often we witness his mortality, and of course how everything about the styling, aesthetics, and content of the flashbacks to his childhood reinforce a characterization of vulnerability at the very heart of him. I saw someone mention how the Cloud Light Sword responded to ZYC's tears and to that vulnerability rather than brute strength, and I totally agree. I love how this "fragile" characterization plays into the whole fate weapon deal. ZYC's strength is (imo) unconventional, and it is his sensitivity, his compassion, and his deep capacity to feel that the sword acknowledges, resonates with, and empowers. Almost like it protects his tender heart rather than making it something he needs to overcome to get stronger.

One thing I will never get over is how incredibly they styled TJR as baby!Yichen, adult ZYC, and Bingyi. What do you mean this is all from one drama and not three separate productions. Insane. I'm out of my mind with how gorgeous every change in costuming is.

A tangential note is I've seen people mention (paraphrasing very much here) ZYZ's demon form being nicely subtle in its eerie inhumanity and tbh I have a similar feeling even just about human adult ZYC imo. Especially when his hair is down and he's got that thick eyeliner on and we get a close up of his contacts, if you told me from the start that he's half-demon half-human or something I'd believe it. Along the same vein, baby!Yichen reads completely human to me, and Bingyi of course completely demon. Something something the Cloud Light Sword bridges the gap something. This point is unintelligible and not narratively based but I had to make it because I've been thinking "wow ZYC elven" for days now.

Saw a tag about yuanyi getting us through some dark times but man they are PUTTING me through some dark times rn help?/

Been trying to put off talking about the baby Yichen scenes because wow I cried immediately. Well, no, I was like "yay! I love seeing baby Yichen!" and then they crushed me into demon dust lol. And then WX had to tell that absolutely precious story about when she got sick and ZYZ had to go like "actually ZYC was probably lonely as fuck" and yeah that's fine I didn't need my heart anyway.

Ending on this point so I can put a pretty screencap here: There is so much gravity to just the short scene of Bingyi removing his mask and dropping to his knees with that anguished and fatigued expression. TJR's acting is the gift that keeps on giving (me angst).

so sorry if anything here didn't make sense, i currently have the same thousand-mile-stare as Bingyi the more i think about how this all might end and how long I'm gonna have to wait to find out.

[rhythmic-idealist]

Something I get out of characters like Tenya Iida is that the deal isn’t “it isn’t your fault.” Yes fanfiction likes to sometimes say that but it isn’t what’s going on between Tenya and himself, and isn’t what he hears from Shoto and Izuku.

Izuku even considers apologizing, and then goes no, that would be selfish of me and feel strange to him— he’s at a place in his journey where he would feel worse if I said anything that took his own agency out of it.

Izuku empathizes with making mistakes that hurt themselves, which made it harder for them to become the heroes they want to be.

Shoto empathizes with a past of having been someone you aren’t proud of. Stand up and be Ingenium, then- I’ll be the hero my mom always believed in now. Make your brother proud now. We do care about being someone for others so let’s just stand up now and do that. Let’s notice what isn’t useful and stop doing it.

He does need to understand eventually the system that failed him. And I think he does, when Ochako gives her speech on that rooftop. I think processing it relative to Izuku opens the door to processing that he’s a little like that, too, that some system failed him. If he didn’t think other people were in some capacity an important ingredient, we wouldn’t see him trying so hard to save other people from falling down his path.

But he did all that. “It’s not your fault” doesn’t come up. Shoto and Izuku do not look at Tenya and try to tell him it’s okay, you’re good, because we refuse to acknowledge that ugly shit that you absolutely did do. You were suffering and you made terrible, violent, selfish choices in response to it. You couldn’t see your way out of the feeling and so you did do all that.

It would wound him I think. Terribly. If one of them told him that it’s not his fault. If he thought that was the good they saw in him—it would be a lie. If Tenya can be good—and oh we have all seen him—then we accept the premise that he moves forward to do good, and it’s not “not his fault.”

He did choose that. He chose to, for catharsis, and he did not have to. He did do all that. MHA is about what do you do after.

[navree]

What do you think about Joseph Stalin and communism in general?

*idk if you answer political questions so feel free to ignore this question if u don't want to answer it*

(politics is both my literal field of study and my desired work environment so this ask itself isn't shocking it's just that most of the questions i get tend to be either fandom analysis or people wanting to know more about my personal life so seeing a notification that started with "what do you think about joseph stalin" took me tf out. and i also want to be clear that i am not an expert on either stalin or the soviet union in general, russian history was never my thing and in general the history of the 20th century that I have looked at is france/Western Europe in ww2 for family reasons and america in the 1960s/70s, it's one of the perks of reading Helter Skelter the same year you meet Ethel Kennedy)

Stalin was a monster. I have a general rule of thumb that I think people who orchestrate genocide are assholes, and that extends to Stalin as well. I don't have a very fond view of the Soviet Union in any capacity due to the giant clusterfuck of awful that it was and all the horrors it wrought on its corner of the world, which is always going to color Stalin negatively in my view, but Stalin himself holds a distinction of also being a uniquely bad person. He was functionally a dictator who killed hundreds of thousands of people for the sake of consolidating his own power and nothing else. He was a totalitarian despot who orchestrated several atrocities and is responsible for some truly egregious crimes against humanity in the 20th century and as much as I can hate a personal unknown on merits alone, I hate him. And also, might just be me, the non-aggression pact with the fucking Nazis is a nonstarter (and if someone gets on me with some bullshit "but America!" take then you don't know me at all because I have continuously taken this country to task with my abhorrence of how it handled itself with the Nazis there's a reason why I refuse to acknowledge D-Day as worth any importance).

As for my thoughts on communism, it's complicated. Most importantly, please understand this: economic systems are not my forté in any way. My capabilities lie in public policy, in public outreach/overall campaigning, and speechwriting and all other statement/press release things. My knowledge and my insight into the capitalism vs. communism debate is very mundane and pedestrian, which is why I don't really comment on it; I don't think I have a new perspective to offer. Communism, as a base concept, is a decent theory, but you can't just look at these things as solely concepts. And when I look at how communism has been applied in various governments over the years in various different forms, I see an incredibly flawed system that has continuously failed to achieve any long term good. This isn't to say that I find capitalism is a perfect system either, it is also deeply flawed, and as its applied by most modern countries probably needs some severe overhauls. But communism just overall seems to be something that sounds like a good idea but needs incredibly significant fine tuning in order to be functional and not descend into totalitarianism. The idea of "the government controls the means of production" is good in theory, but it also depends on who is in government. If the government has bad people in it, whatever your definition of that is, then you're handing an extraordinary amount of power to people who might have bad intentions and use it to hurt others. Again, this is a very simple opinion on a very complex topic, but that's what the opinion is, at least for me. There is also the fact that, quite simply, I'm a young American living in America, and my exposure of communism is a bunch of people who call themselves communists and think that means they can act like fucking lunatics and generally have batshit opinions that provide a stunning illumination into horseshoe theory, which isn't going to predispose me to feeling positively about communism either. Overall, communism just personally isn't my jam; I can see why it's something people are drawn to due to the flaws in the capitalist system, I really do, but I tend to look at self-described communists askance and I think the system has some deep rooted issues that have yet to be addressed by either governments that want to use it as a whole or even individuals who promote it as a possible alternative to the current system we have now.

And I do answer political questions! Like I've said, I have worked and plan to continue to work in politics, and I have a lot of political opinions about stuff both past and present, and as long as people are respectful in general there's really not a whole lot I just flat out won't answer if someone wants me to talk about it, so long as they're nice. <3

[writersrkive]

Together pt. 1 | Neteyam Sully

summary: [Request by Anon] Could you do a Neteyam x f!reader where she is the eldest child of Ronal and Tonowari? Being the eldest of two Olo’eyktan, they understand each other so much. One night, they confide in each other, Neteyam how he longs to come back to his home but can’t say anything as the perfect golden child and always have to watch out and take the blame for his siblings, even though he loves them more than anything. Reader confesses how much pressure and feels like a failure to her parents, and she is so deeply scared to death about her siblings that she loves more than anything. One thing leads to another, and they spend the night together (no smut, please). Comes the day after, and they do not speak to each other, so confused and refusing to acknowledge what happened. For fuck sake they are young and not mated. But Ewya has other plans for them and reader is pregnant. She tries to hide it especially from her parents as Neteyam and his family will probably be outcast and she will disappoint them so much.

genre: angst, hurt/comfort

pairing: Neteyam Sully x fem!metkayina!reader

warnings: characters are age up (18 years old), so I changed Neteyam’s age, allusion to sex, but NO SMUT, mention of young adult/teenage pregnancy (no romanization). Use of "y/n" maybe like three times.

a/n: my first request! And I took too long to write it (I'm sorry), that's why I have divided this in two parts. I have been a little stressed and feeling down, but I'm here. I hope anon and everyone enjoy this one. English is not my first language, please be kind <3.

Masterlist Pt 2

“Where were you?” Neytiri asked her eldest son.

“Yeah. What happened to ‘keep an eye on your brother’?” his dad followed.

“Sorry, sir.” That was all Neteyam could say, even though his own answer was physically hurting him.

All the time, 24/7, he had to take care of Lo'ak. Maybe he didn't have the pressure of being the next Olo’eyktan anymore, but now, in a whole new clan, he had to prove everyone he was the mighty warrior, son of Toruk Makto. But his siblings didn't help. He loved his family, but he hated the way he had to be a third parent, especially when his younger brother almost died (which was definitely not his fault).

After the incident with Lo'ak, Neteyam decided he needed a break, so he walked, and walked, and walked until he found a spot where he could hide enough time until he felt better.

He liked the depth of the island because it reminded him of his home. The metkayina were mostly on the shores of the Island, so there was almost always no one in the forest. That's why Neteyam thought he had no company in the woods. Surprisingly, when he was enjoying his time alone (still upset) he heard a slight ‘thump’. It sounded like someone threw something at one of the trees.

Unlike home, this forest was not as full of vines or places to hide, but the green leaves didn’t allow to see around him easily. He forgot to bring his bow, but he always carried his knife, so he got into a defensive position and slowly, sharpening his hearing, he waited to hear another sound.

“Damn it.” a voice said.

Neteyam got closer carefully. The moonlight snuck into the middle of the treetops straight towards the person who was keeping him company, so he finally saw you.

The first thing he noticed was your beautiful hair braided on top and decorated with shells and ocean rocks, not forgetting your hairpiece, the one who reflected your status among the people. He recognized the elegant pearls your top had and the songcord that was hanging gracefully from your loincloth.

What was unusual and a little confusing was seeing your upset and distressed expression, since whenever he observed you from afar he looked at the relaxed and kind expression you gave to your people. Not like he was looking at you all the time.

Yo started to walk in circles, murmuring things he couldn't listen to. Apparently, his trained capacity of moving smoothly was so good you didn't notice his presence. When you turned around you immediately hiss and show your long sharp nails in a defensive way. When you recognize him, you let out a tired sight.

“Neteyam, you scared me.”

“Y/n, I see you.” He did the sign showing respect. “Sorry about scaring you, that was not my intention.”

Even if both of you were formal, actually, you guys were pretty familiar with each other. Because, of course, as the oldest daughter of the Olo’eyktan, you were there helping the Sullys when they arrive to the village and most of the time, when you weren't training with your mother, you liked to trained with them or just have a good time with them and your siblings.

“You seem pretty upset.” Neteyam talked first.

“Well, you too.”

Nobody said anything because no one wanted to show vulnerability. A thin tension started to build until you decided to let your guard down a little. It wasn't that you didn't trust Neteyam, but you weren't used to showing people when something was wrong. On the other hand, Neteyam wasn't used to talking with others when he wasn't feeling well.

“It's just… it sucks, you know?” You said, sitting on top of a big rock.

“I know, it does.” Both of you chuckled. “If you need to talk with someone, it would be just between us.”

“I don't want to bother you, it's stupid.”

“If the future Tsahik is upset, it should be pretty serious.” He said with a teasing smirk. That made you smile a little bit.

After a little silence, you started. “First of all, I love my siblings with all my heart. I don't have anything against them and I don't know what I would do if something happens to them. I also love my parents, but sometimes mom and dad put so much pressure on us, especially me. I mean, sometimes I get it, I'm the future spiritual leader, but I'm their daughter too, you know?”

“Yeah, it's like they forget you are still a child who wants to go home too and suddenly you are the third parent.” You looked at him with worried eyes, knowing why he was saying that and feeling someone was finally understanding you. Neteyam was now sitting next to you.

“Ao'nung acts like the king already when he has a whole pad to follow until he becomes Olo’eyktan. He's mean to your siblings at the point he almost killed Lo'ak today.” You said, upset. “Sorry about that, by the way.”

“You don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault. That's the problem, it's not my fault either. Why do we have to take responsibility just because it involves our younger brothers? Lo'ak is old enough to know what is right and wrong, but I have to take responsibility for his skxawng ass.”

“They might really think we are the third parent. Apparently we are always with them and we can control everything they do.”

“Like if we were some kind of psychics.”

“What's a psychics?” You asked a little bit confused. Neteyam saw your cute face, trying to figure it out if that was a good thing.

“Sorry.” He laughed. “They are people who can see the future.”

“Oh.” You whispered. “Yeah, like if we were some kind of psychics!” You said, this time a little bit more upset. “Wait, isn’t Tsahik some kind of psychics?” You looked at each other and then burst into laughter.

Minutes passed and you started to talk about other things. It was magical how you two had so much in common and understood each other. Neteyam was so happy he could finally get close to you, well, closer than all the days and nights all of you (metkayina and omaticaya siblings) swam and trained together.

Under the moon, surrounded by beautiful plants, you lay on the ground and start joking. Like that, Neteyam looked more relaxed than you've ever seen him. Most of the time he was the “Mighty Warrior”, but you liked to see him like that, like his true self.

“You know you look handsome when you smile?” You said all of a sudden.

“What?” Neteyam thought he imagined your sweet voice saying that, just like in his dreams.

“Sorry.” You said a little embarrassed, sitting down.

“No, no. It's okay.” He smiled. “It's just… Nobody has ever told me something like that.” You two blushed. “You are beautiful, you know that?” You looked at him surprised. “Oh, c'mon, don't tell me it's the first time someone tells you this.”

“Boys always want to be close to me so they can court me in the future. They want an opportunity with the future Tsahik, not with the real me.”

“Well, they are stupid.”

Neteyam was sitting down already, so he took his time admiring your face closely.

“Don't do that, you are making me nervous.”

“Oh, you are always making me nervous, pretty lady.” You smiled. “Every time you are close my heart can't take it, it feels like I'm gonna faint.”

You began to get closer too, watching his lips with attention. You felt very nervous, but that didn't stop you from closing all distance and kissing him shyly and sweetly. Neteyam was surprised, but he couldn't deny he was waiting for this moment since the day you helped him with his breathing teaching, realising he liked you too much.

His hands rested on the sides of your jaw, deepening the kiss, while you played a little bit with his hair. That triggered something in Neteyam, making the kiss no longer sweet, but a little hungrier. You let out a surprised little noise. He guided you, leaving you lying on the floor again, with him on top of you.

“Can I…? You know we don't need to do this if you don't want to.”

“Please…” You whispered before he kissed you again.

The next day you flatly refused to talk to or even see Neteyam, because you were confused and angry with yourself. You weren't going to lie, you enjoyed every second of the night you spent with Neteyam. You felt comfortable, loved, and safe, but the problem was that you two weren't a couple and you weren't even courting. Your mother had always told you that the first time had to be special because Eywa was the one who unites all mates and your father had assured you that you should not give yourself body and soul to someone unless you truly loved each other because, otherwise, you could get hurt.

“I'm stupid, I'm so so so stupid.” You scolded yourself alone after Neteyam greeted you from across the beach while he was fishing with his father, and you walked away completely ignoring him.

Neteyam was so happy when you two woke up that morning and greeted each other with a smile. But when you got away every time he tried to talk to you, he realised maybe something bad happened.

“I hope you don't think we didn't notice you were not in the marui last night.” His father scolded again, when they were preparing their knives.

He told him he had fallen asleep by accident while searching for beads for his mother, like the first time he arrived in the morning when the only one awake was his dad.

All day and night he felt bad about what happened with you. He thought about it a lot and came to the conclusion that maybe, even if it was the best thing that happened to him in his short life, it was a mistake not to have done things right with you. He should have asked your parents for permission, he should have courted you and given you gifts until you said yes. And now he messed up.

Three weeks passed in which you filled yourself with tasks to avoid going out with your siblings and the Sullys. You felt bad. You missed singing with Tsireya, hunting with Ao'nung, walking to the shore with Rotxo, joking with Lo'ak, swimming with Kiri and feeding ilus with little Tuk, but what you missed the most was Neteyam’s warm company. Still, you refused to approach them fearing that Neteyam would try to talk about what happened that night and that the others would notice that something was wrong.

“Aren't you gonna eat your breakfast, little fish?” Your father asked.

“I'm okay, I need to go to the shore. The best shells are usually hidden deep in the sand, so I prefer to look now so as not to miss the daylight."

“But, we don't need too many shells.” Tsireya said, helping her mother with the sleep mats.

“We might not need too many, but we need the best for our clothes for the mating ceremony of Ae'k and Payu next week.”

You lied, so you didn't have to accept the fact that the food smelled bad for you. You didn't want to offend your parents, who spend so much time cooking together, especially when you were the only one who seemed to have that issue. When you were out of the marui, your little sister caught up to you before you got any further.

“Wait, sister. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, why?”

“I don't know. You seem distant since a couple of weeks ago, even Ao'nung noticed. You don't have time to hang up or train with us, but I was hoping you weren't mad at us. The Sullys asked us what we did to you.

“Oh, Reya, I'm so sorry. I'm not mad or something like that, I just have a lot of responsibilities lately, but as soon as I have time I'll go with you guys, okay?”

“Okay.” She smiled, still a little worried.

Neteyam saw you on the beach, searching for something in the sand. He considered approaching you, but decided he didn't want to bother you.

“What's happening between the two of you?” Kiri asked after a few minutes where Neteyam would peek at your direction every so often.

“What? What are you talking about?” Neteyam asked, clearly avoiding the topic.

“Come on. At first I thought Ao'nung and Tsireya did something to make her mad, like Lo'ak and Tuk, but I can see the way you want to talk to her and she's… basically ignoring you.”

Kiri's words hurt him a little, but he knew she was right. He hesitated. He didn't want to talk about what happened, he felt somehow he was disrespecting your privacy, but he couldn't take it anymore.

“Sorry, Kiri. I have to talk with her.”

He decided he had to talk to you since her sister noticed something was wrong. Now it was just her, but it was a matter of time until the other ones noticed.

Neteyam walked to your figure kneeling on the sand. You were so invested with your shell searching that you didn't notice him approaching.

“Y/n, can we talk?” He asked not wanting his voice to tremble.

“I am kind of busy right now. Sorry, Neteyam.” The tone of voice you used wasn't rude, but a little bit cold.

“Please, we need to talk about what happened that night.”

“Nothing happened that night.” You answered, stopping your movements, but not looking up at him.

“Really? Nothing happened?” He asked, now hurt.

You sighted tired and frustrated. You weren't feeling good, but that wasn't an excuse to hurt him. “Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just… it's complicated and now I don't feel like talking.” You answered, standing up. When you were on your feet, you trembled a little, noticing the way your vision got blurry.

“Wow, are you okay?” Neteyam asked, worried, holding you by the elbows to keep you from falling. When you looked at his beautiful golden eyes you almost gave up. Somehow you felt the need to take refuge in his arms.

“I'm fine. Thank you.” Like that you walked to the marui where the clan kept the materials needed to make clothes. Fortunately, it was empty.

“Please. It's okay if you feel uncomfortable, it's completely understandable. But we can't avoid the topic forever.” He said, unaware of how your world started spinning. You kneeled on a mat, distracting yourself by organising the shells in the right place. “We need to talk. Whenever you are ready, but, please. Kiri already noticed something.”

“Neteyam…” your view turned black for a moment and you didn't know how you ended up lying on the mat with Neteyam kneeling next to you, holding your head.

“Hey, hey. Y/n, please wake up. Open your eyes for me.”

“What happened?”

“I don't know. You fainted for a few seconds. Did you eat this morning?”

“Not really.” The light was hurting your eyes, so it was difficult to open your eyes completely.

“Damn it. Why? You can't be doing things like that. You need to eat, otherwise you are gonna feel sick.”

Then everything made sense. No, you weren't feeling like that because you didn't eat. It was the third time in the week you felt like that. You puked once, when taking care of the youngest ones of the clan, after you played with them. Gladly no one saw you because you ran to the woods on time.

Your disgust for the food was definitely new. You never felt rejection of your mother's food. Not even when you were sick as a child. At those times you eat different things, but never you decide not to eat.

Your mother… Your mother was feeling like that now that she was expecting…

“Oh, my Eywa.” You whispered, sitting down and covering your mouth. “No. No. No. No.”

“What? What is it?” Neteyam asked, now worried to death about your sudden change of mood.

“Neteyam… I think I am pregnant.”

Neteyam and you talked in that marui for hours, sitting down a little far from each other. You knew you wouldn't have privacy in any other place, besides the woods, but you didn't want to go there, for obvious reasons. The metkayina didn't enter the marui because it wasn't the day of the week to make clothes. So you two had plenty of time to discuss your little... situation.

“Are you completely sure?” Neteyam whispered, looking at the mat.

“Well, we just can be completely sure by asking my mother, and we are not gonna do that.” You bit your lip, anxious. “But I had the symptoms and I had never felt like that, not until… until you.” You said, hugging your knees embarrassed.

Neteyam looked at you at the mention. He knew it wasn't the right moment, but he liked how you had said that. And you looked so beautiful like that.

“Well… then, we are gonna take responsibility for our actions.” He said, decisively. “Do you want to?” He asked, changing his tone, now nervous for your answer.

“I don't know… I mean, what other option do we have? But I don't want to have them just because that's how it should be. I feel bad.” You said, rubbing your now flat belly. “And I don't know if I am prepared.”

“I know. I don't feel prepared either.”

“Wait, you wanna… you wanna be with me in this?”

“Of course I want to.” He stood up and sat next to you. He took your chin so you could make eye contact. “I would love to if you want it and if you let me.”

All you could do was hug him tight. He embraced you and his scent was everything you needed to feel safe and calm again.

“Now… What's our plan?” He asked.

[theworldofstruggles]

The Silent Struggle: Choosing Not to Say That You Are Hurting

In a world that often encourages us to vocalize our pain, to share our deepest emotions, and to seek solace in the words of others, there exists a unique and profound choice — the choice not to say that you are hurting. It's a choice that I've grappled with personally, and one that many of us have made at some point in our lives. It's a choice that speaks to the complex interplay of vulnerability, strength, and the human experience.

I've always been the type of person who believes in the power of communication. I've seen firsthand how sharing our struggles and opening up about our pain can lead to understanding, empathy, and healing. However, there are moments when I've consciously chosen not to vocalize my pain, when I've opted to keep my suffering to myself. It's not because I'm hiding, being stubborn, or pretending that everything is fine; it's a deliberate choice born out of a deep understanding of the complexities of human connection.

In a world that often rewards vulnerability and encourages us to express our emotions openly, it may seem counterintuitive to keep your pain to yourself. But there are valid reasons for making this choice.

Protecting Others:

Sometimes, choosing not to say that you are hurting is an act of protection, a way of shielding the people you love from the weight of your pain. You may recognize that your loved ones have their own burdens to carry, and burdening them with your suffering may not be fair or helpful. It's an act of selflessness that acknowledges the importance of preserving the well-being of those you care about.

Self-Reliance:

There is strength in self-reliance. Choosing not to share your pain can be an assertion of your own capacity to handle life's challenges. It's an acknowledgment that you possess the inner resources and resilience to navigate difficult times on your own. It's a testament to your self-sufficiency and a refusal to be defined solely by your hardships.

Privacy and Boundaries:

Privacy is a fundamental human need. There are moments when we yearn for solitude, when we want to retreat into our inner world and deal with our pain in our own way, without external interference. It's about setting boundaries and preserving a sense of self that exists beyond the collective identity we often create through shared emotions.

Fear of Judgment:

The fear of judgment is a powerful force that can discourage us from opening up about our pain. We worry about how others will perceive us, whether they will think less of us, or if our vulnerability will be weaponized against us. In such cases, choosing silence can be a form of self-protection, allowing us to avoid potential harm.

Healing in Solitude:

There's something profoundly healing about being alone with your thoughts and emotions. In the solitude of your own mind, you can explore the depths of your pain, reflect on its origins, and find your own path to healing. It's a journey that doesn't always require external validation or input.

Timing Matters:

Not every moment is the right moment to share your pain. Sometimes, you need time to process your emotions and make sense of what you're feeling. Choosing not to say that you are hurting can be a matter of timing, a recognition that you're not ready to articulate your pain, but you may be in the future.

Resilience:

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, and it's cultivated through facing challenges head-on. Choosing not to immediately vocalize your pain doesn't mean you're avoiding it; it means you're giving yourself the space to build resilience and inner strength before sharing your experiences with others.

In my own life, I've experienced the power and value of this choice. There have been moments when I've held onto my pain, carried it like a precious secret, and found solace in the silent contemplation of my emotions. It's during these times that I've discovered a deep well of inner strength and resilience that I might not have realized if I had rushed to share my pain with others.

However, it's important to recognize that choosing not to say that you are hurting is not a perpetual state of silence. It's a temporary choice, a pause in the narrative of your life, a moment of introspection and self-preservation. It doesn't negate the importance of eventually reaching out for support, seeking help when needed, or acknowledging your pain in the right context.

The key is balance. The choice not to say that you are hurting should be made consciously, not out of habit or fear. It should be a decision that aligns with your values, needs, and circumstances at any given moment. It should be a choice that empowers you to navigate the complexities of your emotional landscape while honoring your own journey.

In conclusion, the choice not to say that you are hurting is a deeply personal one, rooted in a profound understanding of your own needs and the dynamics of human connection. It's a choice that can be an act of strength, selflessness, and self-preservation all at once. In a world that encourages openness and vulnerability, it's a reminder that we have the agency to decide when and how we share our pain. It's a testament to the complexity and resilience of the human spirit, and it reminds us that there is strength in silence as well as in speech.

[superbrightsunset]

Apologies if this is unwanted, but��

That’s actually incredibly realistic in households of abuse, specifically between two people. It can be two siblings like this, yes, but it can also be parent and child, parent and parent, etc.

Classic manipulation, but manipulation done so intensely for so long under such aggressive pain or fear that it becomes muddied in this person’s head to where they truly believe it, too. However, they’ll usually lash out, see how it affects innocent bystanders in the family, change it up a bit, and continue until it becomes that “muddied” version that retains their victimhood.

Because if they’re victims of abuse or fear, they have every right to do what they’re doing. If they aren’t victims, then they become abusers. Lots of people think like that, therefore justifying their actions of abuse towards others as they live under the veil of “I’ve been abused I’m a victim!”

Little do people know, you can simultaneously be a victim of abuse, and an abuser yourself.

So, for example:

Nai probably saw this place as “an abusive household”. That’s a pretty vague umbrella term, but he clearly saw it not quite as physically-abusive, but maybe mentally or emotionally-abusive. At least, not until the body parts were revealed. Hence, he was always skeptical. Didn’t trust. Knew there was something going on.

Vash, meanwhile, didn’t notice anything. Also a common thing in abusive households, especially between older siblings and younger siblings.

At the end of the day, because Nai was the one that felt unsafe, he was the one that lashed out in panic or fear. He may have seen Vash’s reactions to his fear, attempting to calm him down or maybe even deny his panic. Unfortunately, that’s not very clear and we may not see that.

But we see the aftermath. Aftermaths of destroying this abusive household, and therefore this fear. But, in turn, trying to destroy it and save himself, Nai became an abuser. Yet, becoming an abuser means he may not be able to be a victim of plant violence, so he needed to manipulate himself, and Vash, and everyone around him to say, “It’s all for you.”

It disperses the blame onto Vash, allowing Nai to retain his victimhood. “How could I not try and save my little brother? That would be abusive of me! This is for the best!”

Broken households in real life experience this all the time. An older sibling may notice more of the abuse, try to break the home or break out of it and, in turn, cause more fractures. Those fractures spider out and hurt the siblings who are too young or still naive to the abuse. In order to save their victimhood, they manipulate the siblings and say, “This is for you. I’m showing you what these people really are.”

They then become both abusers and victims of abuse, then. Because for many of these people, it’s too hard to admit they’ve done wrong and become the very thing they hate or fear. It’s unfortunate, really, since people stuck here can rather easily unravel the abusive narrative they may have built by simply acknowledging, apologizing for their wrongdoing, and offering help so long as it is within their mental health’s capacity to do so.

The world isn’t black and white, but in homes of abuse, it can seem that way.

Nai and Vash remind me very much of children who grew up in a broken home. Nai as an older sibling that experienced the pain first, seeing it for what it was, and Vash as the younger sibling who suffered the consequences of everyone’s actions.

Nobody, whether in real life or in Trigun, is purely “abusive” or “a victim”. You and anyone else are capable of both, neither, and everything in-between. But refusing to own up to actions, manipulating others as “reasons” for your actions and therefore dispelling responsibility, and purposefully hurting others for a greater good?

Yes. That’s abuse.

Okay rant over sorry again if that’s unwanted. 🙏

Ok but I don't actually think Knives is telling the truth when he says he did it All for Vash. He WANTS it to be true, he NEEDS it to be true, in order to manipulate Vash and also for his own peace of mind. Really, I think he made an emotionally-charged decision fueled by rage at what they did to Tesla and terrible fear that they would do the same- yes, to Vash, but also to him. It was for himself just as much as it was for Vash. But he's retroactively creating a narrative where he was motivated solely by love and made a perfectly logical decision. One, so that he can make Vash feel culpable and therefore like he has no choice but to be on Knives side- since his decision has effectively already been made for him. But two, also because he doesn't want to face the fact that he hurt Vash (and maybe humanity, idk if he actually hates us or is just telling himself that yet) out of fear and anger and that he may have made a mistake. In a sense, incredibly, he's attempting to shift the blame for his own actions onto Vash as the supposed reason for those actions.

[stinkysam]

Reiner Braun - I'm glad Jean beat you up because I can't.

Warning : spoilers

Genre : Angst / Fluff-ish

Synopsis : "would you ever consider making a part 2 for the angst reiner braun headcanons. maybe smth like what happend when they saw each other again after the four years and worked together to stop the rumbling or after that." - anon

Reader : male (you/yours)

A/N : part 1 (It’s not gonna end well.)

For four years Reiner had tried to convince himself he had moved on, that you were just another name on the long list of people that had good reasons to hate him.

But it was not an easy thing.

Just like he constantly questioned his actions on Paradis, guilt and shame constantly washed over him each time he thought of you.

He shouldn't have asked you out. He remembers giving himself a headache from trying so hard to look impassible to the point he forgot he needed to breathe.

He shouldn't have told you his feelings. He remembers his heart beating so fast it almost made him feel sick. Trying to keep a straight face as if his red cheeks and ears weren't a giveaway, anxiously hoping for you to reciprocate the three words.

He shouldn't have allowed himself to get so close with you. He remembers how nice it felt to hold your hand. How he liked to give you back your kisses, wanting you to feel as loved as you made him feel, his heart swelling with pride at the thought.

He remembers how comfortable it was to sleep in your arms and wake up with you. Even if it was too early, cold air hitting your face as the door was slammed open, you could already smell the wet grass and hear the sound of your own steps in the mud. There was nothing better.

As soon as their big secret got out, Reiner made sure to avoid looking at you despite itching to see your face one last time. He convinced himself there was nothing to see, only the hurt and anger of the betrayal everyone arbored. He slightly regretted thinking that when you, of all people, seconded Jean to keep him alive.

He often thought back about it. You should have wanted him dead. He wasn't in position to fight back and he had no escape, you should've sided with Hange and argued to be the one to kill him.

You were his boyfriend, you loved and trusted him and he had lied to you. He truly did not understand why you'd want him alive.

–

Reiner felt somewhat lucky when he noticed you weren't on the front line during the Liberio raid. Not wanting to face you just yet, and definitely not ready to be forced to kill you. He knows you're here, on a different battlefield with the other survey corps members he hasn't seen yet and he is worried about you but he refuses to acknowledge it. He knows the strength and capacities of the enemies, you should be fine.

It's when he fought against Eren in Shiganshina that Reiner hears you and almost forgets where he is. You were calling other people to go with you and help Armin fight the cart titan and he felt comforted to know you were okay.

However, that feeling of relief got quickly washed away when he spotted you at the campfire. He could feel your eyes on him from time to time as if you were trying to figure out what to do, unsure yourself if you were allowed to go near him.

He does not know when exactly you sat next to him, he just saw you by his side when he was done regenerating after Jean kicked outburst of rage. He heard you suggest to Falco and Gabi to get some rest as you would stay here a little longer, watching Hange argue with Levi to help him eat.

Reiner did not move, only nodding to the kids to go and their movements stirred your attention. You spared him a glance before focusing back on the scene on the other side of the fire. “You’re gonna mess with your bandages-” “How am I supposed to eat ?” “Ah ! Be careful !”

He could easily guess you wanted to speak but did not prompt you to, fearing you'd share how much you despise and resent him. He was well aware he’d deserve it but even after four years he couldn’t feel ready to hear it.

"I can't fight you" you simply said.

"I mean- I tried. In Liberio. But I folded before I could even get close and joined Sasha and Connie". Reiner stared at you, remembering how you tried to convince Hange to not kill him and even now he didn't understand why.

He sat up slowly and as if you had heard his thoughts you shrugged a silent I don't know and continued.

"Still, I missed you" you turned to him slightly and you let out a nervous chuckle when you saw his shocked face. "Yeah… I guess it counts as an answer".

"I don't hate you." you gave him a weak smile, turning your gaze back toward Hange to watch them now harass Pieck with questions as he stared at you almost horrified. After all that's happened and everything you've discovered you should be trying to kill him. He could feel his stomach churn with guilt, he didn’t understand how you could feel that way.

Reiner wanted to apologize, to say he never meant to lie to you or hurt you but you cut him off before he could and asked him how it was to go back to his home after this long, surprising him as he didn’t know how to answer. The discussion started off as awkward at first but soon got lighter.

It was not enough to crack jokes but the tension didn't feel as suffocating anymore.

–

There was a second of confusion as everyone looked around, smoke surrounding them. No titans in sight, neither the ones menacing to stomp them or the bird looking one, no armored, female or cart titan either.

The rumbling had stopped a few minutes prior and the silence was deafening but quickly people started cheering, kissing and hugging one another, crying in joy at the realization.

Reiner didn't think he'd get to survive it. Even less hear his mom say she's happy he's not the armored titan anymore, hugging him tightly. It felt weird to walk around and see everyone looking so relieved.

He quickly checked if everyone was alright and back to their human form, almost missing Gabi effortlessly body slam Falco before seeing you let go of Connie and Jean to rush in his direction, nearly tackling him to the ground. It took Reiner a second to realize what was happening, feeling the same way as when you said you loved him all those years ago.

He hugged you back, grateful it was finally over.

[missmentelle]

What makes a codependent relationship? Is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source for support, talking all the time? Getting seperation anxiety and experiencing extreme stress when they are without you? Is it selfish to not necessarily reciprocate that stress?

Let's start by defining what a codependent relationship is.

In a codependent relationship, one person (the codependent) consistently enables the dysfunction of another person, often assuming a "caretaker" or "protector" role. The dysfunctional person usually struggles with a serious issue that may make it difficult for them to function on their own - often addiction, mental illness, or serious underachievement/irresponsibility - and the codependent partner will make extreme personal sacrifices to take care of this person and shield them from the consequences of their actions.

Codependent relationships aren't always romantic relationships - they can be found between friends, parents/children, coworkers, other family members, or any other type of relationship. Wherever they exist, are very unhealthy for both of the people involved in them. The codependent person focuses so heavily on the dependent person's needs that they entirely neglect their own, while the dysfunctional person is enabled to continue being dysfunctional and is often prevented from making any kind of progress toward recovery.

Common traits of codependent people include:

a fear of being alone. They often seek out relationships with people who will depend on them and encourage that dependency to ensure that the other person will not leave them.

extreme fixation on the feelings and needs of others. They often view their own needs as unimportant or secondary and prioritize the needs of others, even when this has not been asked of them.

a compulsive need to "fix" the problems of others. when they see a person who is struggling, they feel the overwhelming need to step in and start "fixing" the situation, even if doing so is not their responsibility.

low self-esteem. They often have chronic issues with self-esteem, and don't feel that they "deserve" to have their own needs prioritized. Their self-esteem is often tied to their ability to maintain their caretaking role at all costs, even when it is incredibly harmful to them.

controlling and perfectionist tendencies. Codependent people often struggle to cope when they don't have high amounts of control in their relationships, or when things aren't done "just so". They gravitate towards caretaking roles where they have high amounts of control, and struggle to let go.

external locus of control. They often feel powerless in their lives, and feel that they simply have to accept their circumstances and the way that others treat them.

high capacity for denial. They often cannot or will not see problems that are right in front of them, and refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation - the house will be burning down around them and they'll refuse to even admit that it's getting a little warm.

a history of interpersonal trauma or abuse. Codependency is often a learned behaviour - many people who fall into these patterns experienced codependency from their parents, or witnessed their parents' codependent relationship at a young age. Many have also experienced extreme emotional abuse, from their parents or a past partner.

a strong need for approval. Codependents need to be liked. They need approval. Doing things for others and letting others walk on them is the best way they know how to gain that.

boundary issues. They often cannot and do not set personal boundaries - they take a "Giving Tree" approach to helping others, endlessly giving even when it seriously hurts them. At the same time, they may overstep boundaries to try to fix others' issues, even when it is not their responsibility to get involved.

a lack of personal identity. The codependent relationship often becomes the focus of their whole life. They invest so much time and energy into it that without it, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

a tendency to be drawn to close relationships with substance addicts, alcoholics, people with personality disorders, or other codependents. Codependent relationships are usually not a one-off thing - they tend to be a recurring pattern in a person's life. In particular, people with untreated BPD often seek out relationships with codependent people, as they tend to prefer relationships with people who don't set personal boundaries and are willing to provide the extreme amounts of reassurance and caretaking that they need. People with BPD also tend to be codependent themselves, further complicating things.

an appearance of being "addicted to chaos". Codependent people often appear to gravitate toward drama, dysfunction and chaos. Having relationships with people who have healthy boundaries, autonomy and stable personal lives often holds little interest for them - they prefer relationships where they feel needed and depended upon.

Codependent people often have a "martyr" or "victim" complex - they often feel that it is their lot in life to suffer for others, that self-sacrifice is a key part of their identity, or that suffering is simply a part of loving someone. The idea that they should set expectations in a relationship, leave a relationship where they aren't treated well or have an identity of their own outside a relationship is something they struggle with. They often hop from codependent relationship to codependent relationship, becoming steadily more beaten down and burnt out in the process - breaking free from codependent tendencies can be a long process, and often requires professional help.

There is a lot of variety in what codependent relationships look like. Some examples of codependency in action would include:

A mother allows her chronically unemployed and irresponsible 38-year-old son to live with her, and does everything for him. She never confronts her son about the fact that he doesn't contribute financially or help out around the house, even though it's placing a great financial and personal strain on her. When other family members ask why her adult son isn't taking steps to get his life together, the mother becomes highly defensive, and may make up lies about the progress he's made, or insist that he's still young and that this is normal for his age.

A woman assumes the role of "caregiver" for her unstable and very mentally ill partner. She bends over backwards to keep her partner happy, and doesn't seem to notice or mind that her partner never does the same thing in return. Her partner constantly burns bridges with their own family or friends with their explosive anger, and she rushes in to make excuses and try to fix the situation. When friends raise concerns about the relationship, she brushes them off, insisting that she's happy and everything is fine.

The parent of an autistic teenager infantilizes their autistic child, and insists that the child needs much more care than they actually do. Being an "autism parent" is a huge part of their identity. The child has never been allowed to attend an overnight camp, go for sleepovers or stay at home with a babysitter, as the parent is highly fearful and believes that other people will not look after their child properly. The parent strongly resists all of their child's attempts to gain more independence, insisting that it's too dangerous or that the child cannot handle it.

The US version of the television show Shameless is almost entirely centered around codependent relationships. The main characters are all in codependent relationships with their alcoholic and dysfunctional father, Frank. Although the main characters are often angry with their father, they constantly allow him back into their lives no matter how horribly he treats them - at times, they give him money, provide him with alcohol, let him move back into their house, visit him in the hospital and cover him with a blanket when he passes out on the floor. The boundaries they set with him never last long, and they always resume having a relationship with him, even after he does things that most people would find unforgivable.

So with that said: is it healthy for someone to rely on you as a constant source of support?

It sort of depends.

Relationships are supposed to be a reliable source of support for both of the people in them. That's sort of what they're for. I worry sometimes that the internet is making us too transactional in our relationships, and too quick to think that someone is taking advantage of us if they constantly turn to us for support. It's normal to find comfort in your relationships, and to turn to your loved ones whenever you need someone to talk to. I talk to my partner, my parents and my closest friends every day - that often means mentioning things that we’re stressed or anxious about, or venting about problems in our lives. Sometimes people are going through something and need extra support for a while - that’s just a normal part of close relationships. 

With that said, there are times when someone leans on you too hard. If helping someone is starting to take a serious toll on your own life, that’s a problem. Every relationship needs boundaries; if your boundaries are consistently pushed or broken in the name of supporting that person, it may be time for a serious talk. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis is fine if this is a rare occurrence. Staying up until 4am to talk someone through a crisis multiple times per week, every single week, is an issue - that’s you sacrificing your own need for sleep, and something needs to change. Are you willing to set boundaries and balance your own needs with your friends’ needs? Is the other person willing to respect boundaries, or do they lash out with anger, guilt-trips, accusations of not caring for them or threats to harm themselves? 

If you and a friend are both willing to communicate and work on establishing boundaries, I think it’s fine for one person to need a lot of support. If the relationship is damaging for you and one or both of you just isn’t able or willing to discuss boundaries, that’s a sign there could be some codependence going on. 

A person experiencing separation anxiety and extreme stress when you aren’t around could be an issue - but again, it depends on how it’s being handled. Is your friend able to cope with this anxiety on their own, or are they constantly putting this anxiety on you? Are they blowing up your phone and getting anxious if you’re 10 minutes late answering a text? Do they ever try to guilt-trip you or blame you for triggering their separation anxiety? Do they accuse you of not caring about them if you try to take time for yourself? Are they jealous of your other relationships? Is their extreme stress taking a toll on your life and preventing you from having other relationships or having personal boundaries and space? If your friend is willing to work on boundaries and find healthy coping mechanisms for their stress, this might be something you can overcome. If your friend is burning you out and one or both of you is unable to set boundaries, this might be a very unhealthy situation. 

Not feeling the same stress and anxiety, however, is definitely not selfish. It’s not healthy for someone to feel that level of extreme stress and separation anxiety - it’s not your friend’s fault that they experience that, but it’s still very unhealthy. The fact that someone feels an unhealthy attachment to you does not mean that you should feel an unhealthy attachment right back. No one benefits from that. In any healthy relationship, both people have a life and identity outside the relationship. This is, fundamentally, the issue at the core of many different unhealthy relationships - whether they are codependent, enmeshed, or abusive.

 Being so attached to someone that you can’t handle them needing friends, hobbies, space and independence isn’t a compliment or something to aspire to - it’s just unhealthy.

Hope this answers your question! MM

[vipier-a]

@gurrillero  sent  :  an abrupt kiss that you melt into after a moment of hesitation .

          THE DAYS BEFORE THE NEW REPUBLIC HAD ALWAYS FELT TOO QUICK, LIKE TIME WAS SLIPPING THROUGH HIS FINGERS LIKE WATER.       perhaps it isn’t so strange that time seemed to grind to a halt upon the rebellion’s victory at the battle of endor.  the days drag by like a flow of cold molasses and tristan finds it difficult to find a way to press on as he always has.  his speciality is in the discreet, the  illegitimate  sorts of jobs that occur within the creases of society  -  and the number of those available have plummeted since the rise of the new republic, at least for those like him who   REFUSE   the work of former imperials.   (  he does not keep many morals, but he refuses to serve those who once fancied themselves his  jailers.  )   he’s little interest in joining the bounty hunter’s guild, but it’s becoming more and more of an inevitability as months drag on and on.

          by now, he no longer listens to new republic news, nor transmissions.  he hasn’t, not since he found himself glued to the radio over  the trial of captain cassian andor.  tristan has spent most his life in denial of his emotional capacity, but even he had to acknowledge the blistering rage he’d felt listening to each beat, each   REPUGNANT LIE,   each  exaggeration  they’d recited in their bid to lay a man they’d lauded as a hero on their altar to sacrifice.  usually, tris would have been thrilled to marinate in his own righteousness when his suspicions prove correct, but for whatever reason, he  hadn’t.  instead, he spent the broadcasts white-knuckled and seeing red until the sentence was handed down and tris yanked the receiver out of the wall of his own ship in a fury before he could stop himself.  so much for camaraderie.  so much for loyalty.  so much for fellowship.  the satisfaction of knowing he’d   NEVER   trusted them had been utterly drowned then by the disgust of what they’d done.   (  and even now, months and months later, he hadn’t bothered to unpack what it meant that such thoughts were undoubtedly some of the  least selfish  he’s had in his life.  )

          as much as he’d like to deny it, nothing could have kept him away after he knew cassian had been released.  it feels as though a   DECADE   has elapsed  -  and yet it somehow also feels as though they saw each other only yesterday.  the viper has always been a lone creature, priding himself on his self-sufficiency and independence, but andor had left a mark on him that he cannot quite erase, the  burn  of fingertips into his skin, the memory of his voice lingering like a conscience in his darkest moments.  years ago, he may have fled the sensation, but now, he finds himself caught in the gravitational pull of a man who has, against all odds, become   IMPORTANT   to him  -  as mortifying a realization as that is.  perhaps he shouldn’t have been able to find him as easily, but he’s grown so used to following in cassian’s trail over the years that it’s become second nature.  at first, he’s admittedly not sure he has the right ship, but when tris sees the other man’s familiar figure approach from where he sits atop a crate, concealed in the dark away from the pools of light from the lamps illuminating the yard, he smirks a little to himself ;  his instincts clearly haven’t   DULLED   since the close of the war.

          ❝   someone’s out late,   ��   he calls through the dim in a soft sing-song.   ❝   what kind of   TROUBLE   were you up to, andor?   ❞   the serpent unfolds himself, hopping off the crate and into the light, head tilted to the side as he moves slowly toward the other man, one agonizing step at a time.  he hadn’t expected it to feel quite like this,  this tightness that grips him beneath his sternum and feels curiously like   LONGING.   as if he even knows what that feels like.   ❝   I thought I should check on you properly this time.  wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings again.   ❞   for a joke, it isn’t all that funny  -  but then again, all that time he’d thought cassian dead after scarif had been, perhaps, the  least  amusing time of his life, loathe as he is to admit such a thing.  he’s close enough to reach out and touch the other man now, although he doesn’t,  not yet  ;  instead, he simply gazes at him, eyes sharp, allowing the sight of him to soak into his being beneath the flickering lamps.  the silence hangs so heavy it might as well take physical form, draw a curtain around them to conceal them from the outside world.  so much remains unsaid,  and perhaps for the first time, that feels strangely vulnerable.   ❝   you look good, especially considering that you were in  pris  -   ❞

          but he’s cut off before he can even finish the word by cassian’s hand pulling him in by the waist, by his mouth in a bruising,  possessive  kiss that knocks the wind from him for a moment, and for a moment, tris cannot react against cassian’s demanding lips with his heart in his throat, stopping his breath painfully,   GLORIOUSLY.   finally, with a  whimper  that feels so foreign from within him, he relaxes, softening against the other man and mouth parting in an act of uncharacteristic  submission.

          he won’t say aloud that he   MISSED   him, but his body seems to care very little for the secrets his mind would prefer to keep.

[renegadewangs]

Van Zieks - the Examination, part 12

Warnings: SPOILERS for The Great Ace Attorney: Chronicles. Additional warning for racist sentiments uttered by fictional characters (and screencaps to show these sentiments).

Disclaimer: (see Part 1 for the more detailed disclaimer.) - These posts are not meant to be taken as fact. Everything I’m outlining stems from my own views and experiences. If you believe that I’ve missed or misinterpreted something, please let me know so I can edit the post accordingly. -The purpose of these posts is an analysis, nothing more. Please do not come into these posts expecting me to either defend Barok van Zieks from haters, nor expecting me to encourage the hatred. - I’m using the Western release of The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles for these posts, but may refer to the original Japanese dialogue of Dai Gyakuten Saiban if needed to compare what’s said. This also means I’m using the localized names and localized romanization of the names to stay consistent. -It doesn’t matter one bit to me whether you like Barok van Zieks or dislike him. However, I will ask that everyone who comments refrains from attacking real, actual people.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

Let's bring this thing home! It's time for the conclusion of the essay series!

Conclusion With a stupidly long essay series behind us, it's time to look at what we've learned! Let's go back to Part 1 and review what we needed from Van Zieks's character development for a fully rounded redemption arc, shall we?

1) Present an antagonistic (possibly immoral) force who personifies Ryunosuke’s biggest personal obstacle/weakness, in this case racial prejudice. 2) Humanizing traits begin to show. OPTIONAL: A backstory to justify any immorality he has. 3) Over time, Barok has his realization and sees the error of his ways. 4) Barok atones for his immorality, not simply through apology but by taking decisive steps. 5) The cast around him acknowledges his efforts and forgives him.

And looking at the main game (plus additional dialogue), we have...

1) Antagonistic force:

Etc. etc. I have many of these. We can all agree that as an antagonistic force, he does his job quite well. CEO of Racism and White Privilege in the flesh. It works, since we as the audience get very frustrated and want to see him defeated.

2) Humanization:

Giving him an old friend to be a defendant was a brilliant move, really. Albert's reflection on the friendship and the person Van Zieks used to be really helped flesh him out and make him appear more like a human being with, y'know, emotions and weaknesses. The little snippets of dialogue in his office really help too. Presenting evidence can also lead to fun tidbits. All in all, considering how gruff and distant Van Zieks is, they really did their very best to humanize him. The writers were given very little to work with but they exploited every opportunity to come their way.

OPTIONAL backstory:

Again, I don't think we needed a tragic backstory to have a well-rounded, redeemable character. Still, it ties in very expertly to the game's plot and the motivations of quite a few other characters. The story of Klint van Zieks and his death isn't necessarily Barok van Zieks's backstory, it's the center of an intricate web which also holds Kazuma, Stronghart, Gregson, Jigoku, (S)Holmes, Mikotoba, Sithe, Drebber- I could go on. A LOT. So because of how very integrated it is into the main narrative's recurring themes and characters, I'll give it props for being relevant and well thought out. The bigger question is: Does it justify his immorality? Not entirely. I think the game could have gotten more out of this if they'd involved the other two exchange students in this tale just a bit more. They could have given more attention to how Jigoku's aggressive behavior in the trial impacted Van Zieks, and explained whether he might've suspected Mikotoba of sabotaging (S)Holmes's investigation. If the narrative had done that, all three Japanese people to come to London would have been ‘the bad guy’ in Van Zieks's eyes and it would have given more credence to his racial generalization. They could have also given more attention to how the people around him reacted to Genshin being the Professor, because I'm sure Stronghart and Gregson stoked the fire in terms of xenophobia. As it stands, there isn't really enough there to justify hatred of an entire race as opposed to just one person.

3) Realization/Redemption

We see him already start to realize the error of his ways around the end of 1-5, which is technically only about halfway into the full narrative. Unfortunately, thanks to 2-2 being played afterwards (but chronologically set before 1-5), any progress made in 1-5 can become invalidated in the player's eyes. Growth works best when it's done linear. Don't get me wrong, flashbacking to earlier times when a character is still more morally tainted can work well, but it needs to be executed properly. Barok's behavior in 2-2 is downright insulting towards the audience itself and therefore, it causes emotional friction when relaying the narrative endgoal of redemption. It also makes it extra jarring when we hit 2-3, and suddenly Van Zieks is meant to be relying on the protagonist's desire to expose the truth. How on earth can we as the audience trust that Van Zieks believes in Ryu's abilities when we just came fresh out of a case where this man actively sabotages Ryu's efforts?

Still, the line of redemption continues from 2-3 into 2-4 well enough. He admits that he was wrong- that his hatred was illogical and that he needs to change. This is the very definition of redemption. I need to stress once more this is not to be confused with atonement, which comes next.

4) Atonement

Here it is. It's not enough to simply acknowledge mistakes; one needs to work hard to fix them. Since Van Zieks is the defendant for two whole episodes, equaling roughly 20% of the full narrative and 67% of the time following his first true realization (chronologically), there isn't much that he can actively do to atone. Because remember, not only do these actions need to fit the situation he's currently in, they need to fit his personality. These two limitations ensure the atonement mostly takes the form of dialogue. Of apologies.

One might want to point out that he never apologizes specifically for his racism, but there's a reason for that. If you pay close attention, you'll notice that there isn't a single character who ever uses a word like “racism”, “xenophobia” or even “racial prejudice” in this game. It's for the same reason you'll never see an Ace Attorney character utter words like “alcoholism”, “drug abuse” or “depression”. These things may be implied very strongly, to the point where you'll know for certain a character is suffering from it, but it's never given these exact labels. It has to do with the tone of the game. In Great Ace Attorney's dialogue, Barok van Zieks is only ever described as holding “a deep hatred for Japanese”, which is then the only thing he could apologize for. And he does, so long as you aren't looking for a literal phrasing of “I apologize for my deep hatred of your people”.

Regardless, he can't take more active, decisive action until he's freed from prison and two scenes with Van Zieks later, the game has ended. He still manages to take two actions, though! The first is to publicize the truth of the Professor, taking the blame of the mass murders off Genshin's shoulders (and losing his own privilege in the process). The second is to take Kazuma under his wing as his disciple. I'm not certain there's anything else the narrative could have had him do. What is decisively missing, however, is the following:

5) Acknowledgment

The above aren't good examples of cast acknowledgment that Van Zieks is taking part in a redemption arc, rather, they're the best I could find. Characters are acknowledging that he's changing- that he's being kinder to them and they can get along with him now, but they're not acknowledging that he caused hurt in the first place. This, in my opinion, is the Great Ace Attorney's biggest narrative flaw. I've talked before about how Ryu's reaction to Van Zieks's racism is 'indirect communication', a typically Japanese manner of dealing with negativity. I've also talked about how Ryu is not in a position to speak up, as he's a literal minority who is there to represent his country in an official capacity and can’t afford to make enemies. However, characters like Susato and Kazuma are far more outspoken in their opinions, as is Soseki. The only one who ever calls Van Zieks out on his racism is the British judge, and even that is done very meekly. When an old crusty white guy is the one who condemns white privilege in a cast full of minorities, you've got a problem. The Japanese cast's refusal to acknowledge that Van Zieks's words were harmful is like Team Avatar telling Zuko that sure, he can join since he's a good guy now, but never once acknowledging that he burned down villages or betrayed everyone's trust in Ba Sing Se. There's something very vital missing, see? If indeed the cast had called Van Zieks out more actively on his harmful ways and how necessary it was for him to change, he in turn could have taken more atonement steps in response.

So, for the conclusion: Does Barok van Zieks tick all the necessary boxes for a complete redemption arc? Yes. In a very technical sense, all the requirements are there. But does that mean it's a successful arc? Not necessarily. The game has a few slip-ups, a few things not executed as well as they could have been. For that reason, whether the audience is satisfied with the arc is entirely up to them. Taking into consideration that they had to cram a whole lot of story into just two games- the second game in particular, I can acknowledge they did their very best with the limitations that were there.

And there we have it! That’s all I could think to say on the matter. I hope everyone who read this till the very end enjoyed it, maybe even learned a thing or two. I’m always open to questions, input and constructive criticism!

[crusherthedoctor]

Hey Crusher I got an...interesting question. We know making Eggman softer is pretty much a bad idea but I thought of something. What would you think of the idea that Eggman in-universe WAS more affable in the early days but got worse as time went on? As in, a combination of being defeated so many times and achieving new feats (such as dominating the Time Eater) probably both amplified his bad traits and inflated his ego even more.

A specific take on this concept is used in Beyond the Stars.

Spoilers for BtS below:

Eggman was always selfish, callous, and cruel, and no one convinces themself otherwise. Even his thoughts on Gerald's downfall are acknowledged as being just another example of Ivo's own selfishness, since he was only upset because it meant Gerald didn't take him into account, and he refuses to care about the rest of the world as long as he can lord over them.

But his now long discarded respect for his grandfather is looked at as something that could have possibly humanized him to a very small extent, had it remained within him. Since the concept of an idol in your childhood is one that a lot of people can relate to, and for that figure to not live up to your pedestal as you grow older is something they can also sympathise with. It wouldn't excuse the crimes or his personality, but it could have been a sign that there was once a normal human being somewhere in there.

But that's gone now. Eggman only wants to one-up his dead grandad now, and cement his own status as the greatest genius who ever lived - past or present - by doing the one thing Gerald could never achieve: unlocking and harnessing the power of the Ethereal Zone. What was once an idolized family figure, has now been reduced to little more than another target to "beat".

All the while, he's been achieving ever greater feats as time has went on, like getting the Time Eater under his control, and harnessing other sources like the Phantom Ruby. Knowing he can do these things despite being a mere mortal, it's made him hungry for more... On the other side of the coin, the constant defeats at the hands of Sonic and Co have taken a toll on him. Put all of this together, he's become fully willing to pull out all the stops, no matter who gets hurt in the process... or even what exactly happens to the planet itself, so long as it exists in some capacity.

So there is a tragic element to it that can't be denied. But he's still an unapologetic villain and is treated appropriately, despite the small glimpses of pity on the heroes' end. When Eggman has Trudy in his captivity, Trudy plucks up the courage to call him out on how far he's fallen, and specifically notes that if Gerald were alive and clear of mind, he'd be absolutely horrified by what his grandson has become. (This unfortunately earns her a taped mouth for her troubles, and an extremely pissed off Eggman in full SA1 Tranquil Fury mode.)

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki’s Family

Shigaraki has to date fought against villains, won, and then taken something from them in his victory. This time however he’s not up against a villain but a bad hero. The lesson Shigaraki is going to learn from Endeavor is exactly as he says: you heroes hurt your own families just to help complete strangers. Family is more important. It’s also what makes him the opposite of Endeavor, Shigaraki always chooses his found family over his own ambitions, whereas Endeavor puts his ambitions to be a hero over his family. MORE UNDER THE CUT.

1. Shigaraki and Endeavor

There is actually a lot of connecting threads between Shigaraki and Endeavor’s characters. They are both characters who are considered inferior replacements to the previous king of both the hero and villain worlds, Shigaraki is called a worthless successor again and everybody prefers All Might to Endeavor. 

They are also characters who both believe they need to become stronger than anyone. Their quirks are partially incompatible with their bodies and they often hurt themselves going overboard using them and because of that they feel weak even when they are strong. Shigaraki in part - chooses to have Ujiko experiment on his body, even if it is an influenced choice. They both try to settle things with power first. 

However even in that they are different: Shigaraki was raised to believe by AFO that he owed AFO, continually made to feel unworthy for everything AFO had given him and had his ambition to be king of villains thrown on his shoulders. Endeavor decided to do those things all on his own from a position of relative financial security and safety within hero society. 

However, the way they treat the people closest to them is completely opposite. The League of VIllains that Shigaraki creates is again and again remarked upon as a place where people are allowed to be themselves. The league is a place of trust and acceptance. It’s remarked several times that the league genuinely trusts one another. 

Consider Shigaraki’s main personality traits, anti-social, awkward, immature. He’s modeled to act like a NEET and an overgrown manchild. He easily could have made no connection at all to the League of Villains. He could have stayed the person he was at the start of the story, someone willing to kill new recruits five minutes after meeting them. He could have even run things like AFO, choosing to either turn his followers into worshippers, or act entirely from the shadows controlling them like a puppeteer. 

My point being - Shigaraki is not the easiest person to get along with, or even understand, and yet he made a deliberate choice to get closer to the league. The league is this way because Shigaraki is this way. The league values people first, because Shigaraki puts people first. It’s who he is at the core of his being. Tenko played with the kids nobody else would play with, stood up to bullies, and wanted to be a hero even when his father told him no. That part of Shigaraki hasn’t changed. 

It’s Shigaraki himself who creates the healthy environment of the league. Somewhere along the way, Shigaraki began to consider them a family. Even if he’s not direct in stating it, or even as outwardly friendly as Twice about it. 

Shigaraki’s definition of family is made clear in his dreams and flashback. Family doesn’t reject you. Shigaraki in making the league his family sets out to do the opposite of what his father did, create a place where the people close to him are accepted for who they are and valued as individuals. They aren’t judged by their quirk, or even their contribution to the team. Giran is saved even after he stops being useful, Spinner’s quirk is so weak he can only cling to walls and yet he’s trusted as one of the top members. 

The way Shigaraki treats his own family - his allies is the exact opposite of Endeavor. He doesn’t try to control who they are, he doesn’t force them, but he does lead and they choose to follow. Even members who insist again and again that they don’t care about the other members of the league, and they’re not in it to help Shigaraki like Dabi are trusted. 

Compare this to Endeavor’s interactions with Hawks, someone who has been in Endeavor’s corner from the beginning and yet someone Endeavor absolutely refuses to trust or even understand a little bit. Shigaraki always gives Dabi free reign, Endeavor snaps at and threatens Hawks several times, getting angry in all of their interactions. 

If the League is somewhere where you are free to choose who you are, Endeavor creates an oppressive environment. Even if he is repentant about his past actions with Shoto, he still takes every oppurtunity he possibly can to mould Shoto into who he wants him to be. 

Even post redemption - Shouto has to be his heir, Shouto has to master his technique. Not only that but if Endeavor suddenly decides he wants to act more like father and son Shouto has to go along with that too. Endeavor’s view of the world is still self-centered. He’s the patriarch,he’s in a position of power, and he uses that to revolve everything around his own desires for other people. 

In Shigaraki’s words, Endeavor rejects who Shoto is.

Endeavor has status, prestige, and connections in the hero world and he uses that to get what he wants: Shoto working alongside him, Shoto learning from him, Shoto allowing him to pass on his technique flash fire. When Shoto is reluctant, Endeavor will put pressure on him, send him multiple messages, contact him when he’s not wanted. When Shoto doesn’t want to play father son with Endeavor, and only wants to apprentice to him in an official capacity Endeavor acts disappointed. 

Endeavor still views Shoto as the one he pours the most attention into because Shoto has the strongest quirk. Endeavor creates an oppressive environment, Shoto is not free, Shoto is not valued as an individual. 

The one good thing Endeavor does is back off with Natsuo and Fuyumi, and allow them to live in a house separate from him even though he personally wants to be with the rest of his family. However, his behavior towards Shoto for the most part hasn’t changed (which is you know the foiling, Endeavor did to Shoto what AFO did to Shigaraki). 

2. Family First

Endeavor’s ambitions will always be more important than his family. We see this in the choices he makes so far his arc. Let’s look at the last thing Endeavor remarked upon before the battle started. 

He regrets that Toya, a child he was responsible for died under his watch. We still don’t know the exact circumstances but considering the parallel with Shigaraki it’s very possible, Endeavor’s ambitions to be a hero were what directly hurt his own son. 

If Endeavor is repetant then family should come first before his ambitions correct: but here are the choices Endeavor makes this arc. 

Remember Endeavor is someone who literally tried to raise a child soldier, by forcing five year old Shoto into aggressive quirk training. He of all people should be sensitive to what exactly is wrong with the Hero Commission’s plans to use children and students as a backup against villains who will be using lethal force in a war zone to try to kill them. 

Not only that but he chooses this action without permission and without consent of the families of the children. Natsuo and Fuyumi have no idea what is happening to Shoto right now. 

In general, the heros choose actions again and again to put the people they should be responsible for into danger. When Midnight is being overwhelmed by villains rather than telling the children she’s supposed to be protecting to retreat from the monster capable of destroying cities she asks them to do something illegal.

Whereas, the league always makes the opposite choice this arc. They choose to protect one another in the tight knit family group. 

The league watches out for each other’s well being. 

Shigaraki’s first order was to bring his family to him. Gigantomachia would have made it to Shigaraki’s side already, if Shigaraki didn’t value the league so much that he protected them first over himself and instructed Gigantomachia to do so as well. 

The heroes right now are choosing again and again to sacrifice not only the individual, but the individuals they are personally responsible and let them go into danger for the sake of a victory. 

The villains are making the opposite choice. Shigaraki is personally responsible for the found family of the league as the leader, and the league’s every choice has always been to protect each other and put the safety of their allies first rather than sacrificing them for a cause. It’s even reflected in Twice’s final choice that leds to his death. He cares more about the league  to the point where he acknowledges he might be thrown out after all of this is over and still chooses to use his last act protecting them anyway. 

While yes, the heroes do make these sacrifices to protect innocent people. Innocent people also get hurt from these same heroes. Hawks was innocent, a disadvantaged child that the hero commission took advantage of. Shoto was innocent, but raising him up as a hero was more important than Shoto’s health and well being as a child. Heroes are supposedly making these sacrifices to protect innocents, and yet innocents still get hurt underneath the hero system that they’re giving everything to protect. 

That’s why the themes of friendship and even family resonate so well with the league of villains because we’ve seen them consistently choose each other over and over again. That is likely what Shigaraki is going to awaken to at the end of his fight with Endeavor, that he’s not doing this for ambition like Endeavor, or AFO, that he really is fighting against the whole world to protect his small family. 

[buckleyydiaz]

what he deserves

Ship: Buck/Eddie

Summary: It had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best in life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, “if you love someone, let them go.” Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasn’t feeling as though it would.

Words: 2.4k

Eddie didn’t want to be angry at Buck - it felt wrong, went against every fibre of his being, to feel so pissed off with Buck, of all people, his best friend, his partner, the most selfless man he knew, who would never do anything with the intent of hurting anyone else.

But anger was easy. Anger was familiar, being consumed by a burning rage was comfortable, easy, no matter how much he didn’t like it - no matter how much it scared Eddie, because it was too easy - and he couldn’t afford to fall back into old habits.

What Eddie was certain of, however, was that he would rather be pissed off at Buck, he would rather risk going back to what he swore to himself, to Buck, that he would never do again, than move beyond the anger. Because he didn’t know what would lie beyond it, but he was sure it would be a hell of a lot more frightening than all of the possibilities which anger provided him with.

He knew if he hadn’t stopped attending therapy as soon as it had stopped being mandated for him, that his therapist would have most likely told him that he had to move past anger, that he had to acknowledge what he really felt, but that was bullshit. Therapy had never really been Eddie’s thing, anyways.

So Eddie would sit and let his anger stew for a while, letting it simmer inside, burning him up from the insides - he deserved it anyway, he thought, as he tried desperately to make excuses to his own mind as to why it was right for him to do what he so clearly knew to be wrong.

He deserved to hurt himself by letting the anger build, he decided, because he simply managed to miss that something was so significantly wrong with Buck, that he wasn’t - wouldn’t be - happy in their relationship. Eddie had never wanted to do anything but protect and love Buck, but he had done nothing but fail at that, evidently.

It was all just made worse by the fact that Buck didn’t say anything, that he never had. He had never mentioned that he wanted more, that just Christopher and Eddie couldn’t be enough for him.

Instead, Eddie found out because he simply happened to walk past at just the right - or as it felt, wrong - time.

“I’ve always wanted a kid of my own.”

That was all it took. Eddie didn’t even know what on Earth Buck had been talking about with Chim for that to come up, but it had, and that was all that mattered.

Eddie would bend over backwards for Buck, he would do almost anything he could to make things as good as they could be for him, because he deserved it, but of course, the one thing that Buck wanted, was the one thing that Eddie was unable to provide.

A child. Of his own.

Eddie had always known that Buck loved children - he had made that clear from very early on in their friendship, and the way he was with Christopher was proof. Buck had proven that he would walk through hell and back for him, and Eddie knew that Buck was his son’s absolute favourite person in the world. He had always figured that would be enough for Buck, had always hoped it would be, because Eddie couldn’t give Buck a child of his own, nor was he sure if he was in a position in his life to have another child, if it were even a distant possibility.

As he thought about it, the anger began to dissipate, much to Eddie’s disappointment, because he knew what was coming.

Waves of sadness began to wash over him, and as they crashed and crashed, it felt like he was drowning. He preferred the violent, scorching pain of rage, to this dull, aching feeling that left him desperately gasping for breath, for a tiny bit of happiness, that was nowhere to be found.

Eddie hated to wallow in self-pity, but it was better to sit alone and sulk than to force anyone else to deal with his chaos, his broken heart.

Because he knew, no matter how much he wished he could, that he would do whatever it took to make Buck happy.

The strange selflessness was proof of Buck’s impact, proof of all of the ways he had changed Eddie for the better. And now Eddie had to do just one thing, one tiny thing, for the betterment of Buck’s life.

He had to let go, no matter how much it hurt, or how much he hated doing it. Buck would never do it for himself, not even if it was holding him back from happiness.

--

Eddie wasn’t sure which had been harder - breaking up with Buck, watching his crestfallen expression, which did nothing to make Eddie feel better about breaking his own heart on some Buck-esque self-sacrificial attempt at doing the right thing, or telling Christopher that Dad and Buck weren’t dating anymore, that Buck wouldn’t spend almost every night with them anymore. Both just made Eddie wish he could have stayed oblivious, that it then wouldn’t have been him that was the bad guy who had to do the breaking up - which, he had realised, would probably lead to him being alienated at work (they had all always liked Buck more than him, not that he could fault them for that, he felt the same way, but it meant that there would be hell to pay for hurting him, even though it was for Buck) - and who had to break the news to his son.

But it had to be done - someone had to do it, to make sure Buck got the best of life, what he truly wanted. As the old adage says, “if you love someone, let them go.” Eddie could only hope it paid off in the end, because it really wasn’t feeling as though it would.

--

When Eddie turned up to the 118 for his next shift, it was clear everyone knew what had happened. Buck had told Maddie, who had told Chim, and before long, the entire firehouse knew exactly what Eddie had done.

Eddie Diaz had been just the next in line to break Buck’s heart, just as Abby had before him, which he had sworn to never do. He was certain he was angrier at himself for doing so than anyone else, but he also knew it was for the best. It was for Buck. It had to be.

But all of the excuses he had for his actions within his head meant nothing to the others, who refused to so much as talk to him in passing, which only felt worse, because their shift was so quiet, and they were stuck there, just them.

While Hen, Chimney, Bobby and Buck sat up in the kitchen, each doing their own thing but sharing the space, Eddie had isolated himself to the gym - it was easier to be on his own of his own volition, and to pretend it wasn’t essentially going to be forced upon him.

Eddie tried to lose himself in what he was doing, tried to get each punch to the bag to take him further out of his mind, with little success, although it had rendered him unaware enough of his surroundings that he had not noticed Hen walking up behind him for far too long, not until she cleared her throat to get his attention.

He kept his back turned to her, not particularly keen to be chewed out for breaking up with Buck, for hurting him, when Buck was hardly the most hurt in the situation.

“Eddie, what happened?” She asked, as Eddie continued to try and tune her out. “You were both so happy.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at Hen’s words, because that’s what he had thought too, but he kept his focus firmly on the punching bag in front of him.

“Clearly not,” he muttered, not even sure that Hen would hear him, but she did, and reached out to touch his shoulder, causing him to turn around.

“Look, I can’t deal with you berating me for upsetting poor little Buck right now, okay, and I don’t think it’s really even your place to get involved.”

Eddie felt a little bad for snapping at her, but at the same time, he didn’t have the capacity to deal with the consequences of actions he hadn’t even wanted to take - not yet.

Hen, however, was clearly unbothered, used to dealing with people far ruder than Eddie, on what could be as often as a daily basis, in their job.

“Hey, I haven’t come here for Buck. I wanted to make sure you are okay, this can’t have been easy on you, and I hope you don’t think we are all against you.”

That made Eddie feel the slightest bit better, to have someone who wasn’t against him, when even he himself was conflicted on it, but it left him unsure as to what to say, because he wasn’t okay, but any attempt at a lie, Hen would almost immediately see right through him. He had to try anyway.

“I’m fine Hen, it's fine.”

As he predicted, Hen immediately gave him a look along the lines of are you fucking kidding me, not taking his bullshit for one moment.

“No its not, Eddie, and if you don’t want to talk about it with me, fine, but for the love of God, please talk to someone, okay?” After a moment where neither spoke, she began walking away, but briefly turned around - “You are as much our family as Buck is. It’s not that we don’t care about you, or blame you, it’s just much harder to tell when something is wrong than with Buck.”

Any other time he would have rolled his eyes at what she was saying, but to be honest, he appreciated the reassurance, because when they were all ignoring him, but were so concerned about Buck, it stung, just a bit, even if he deserved it.

“He wants a kid.”

Hen faced Eddie again, furrowing her eyebrows as she tried to work out what Eddie meant - Buck had always been so happy with Eddie and with Christopher.

“I heard him say it to Chimney. He wants a kid, one of his own.”

Eddie looked up from his hands, which he had been fiddling with as he spoke softly, to see Hen looking at him pityingly, but also to see Chim walking towards them, seemingly summoned by his name.

“Aw, Eddie, are you sure he meant that? Maybe it was out of context? Because you know that Buck loves Christopher like his own.”

“Well clearly that wasn’t enough for him!” He exclaimed, anger flooding through his veins as he tried to rein it back in - it wasn’t Hen’s fault that he hadn’t been enough for Buck, the same way he hadn’t been enough for Shannon. “So it’s done now. He can go off and find some woman and have a kid of his own. It’d be unfair of me to hold him back from that.”

Chim must have been close enough to hear what Eddie was saying, as a look of realisation, mixed with the same pity on Hen’s, painted his face.

“That’s not what he was saying, you know? Buck is so in love with you, and Christopher is his entire world. You are both everything that he has ever wanted.”

Eddie looked at Chim curiously, confused, because Chim had been a part of the initial conversation, and what he was saying seemed so far the opposite of what he had heard.

“Buck has always wanted a kid of his own, and he has one now, thanks to you - or he did.”

Eddie wondered if Hen and Chim could tell that the only thing he could think was oh shit. He had just ruined the best relationship he had ever been in over a misunderstanding.

“Go get him back, Eddie,” Hen said, smiling, and Eddie knew he had to do just that.

He made his way up the stairs to the kitchen area, trying to work out how on Earth he could grovel enough to make up for what he did. Eddie found Buck sat alone, Bobby having returned to his office.

“Buck, I- uh, I need to apologise,” Eddie began, looking at Buck, his eyes red and puffy, which just tugged on his heartstrings to see, knowing he was the cause.

Buck wouldn’t even look up at him.

“I, uh, heard you talking to Chim.”

Eddie watched as Buck looked up, horror all over his face.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep Eddie, I know Christopher is just your son and always will be, I just… love you both.”

Buck’s apology confused Eddie for a moment, because none of this was remotely his fault, Buck hadn’t said anything wrong - what part of the conversation was he even referring to? - but was he surprised by the show of Buck’s self-flagellating nature? Not particularly - Buck never had mastered being nice to himself.

“Overstep? You are my best friend, we are family! You could never! I thought you didn’t want us anymore.”

It was Buck’s turn to look confused, his head tilted to the side as he looked up towards Eddie.

“Why would you think that?”

“You said that you wanted a kid of your own, and I can’t give that to you!”

Buck’s eyes widened as Eddie spoke, eventually a slight smile appearing as he realised what had happened.

“And you didn’t listen past that? Eddie, you should know that you and Chris are all I need, or want.”

Begrudgingly, Eddie smiled slightly too.

“Yeah I should have, shouldn’t I?”

Buck stood up and made his way to where Eddie was standing, pulling him tight.

“I’m so glad I didn’t lose you,” Buck murmured, speaking softly into Eddie’s shoulder, his eyes welling up slightly with relief and joy.

“I love you, Buck.”

Eddie smiled as he said that, but before Buck was able to say it back, the bell began to ring out through the station, causing them to pull apart, rolling their eyes.

As they raced down the stairs to meet with the rest of the team, they were greeted with a grateful chorus of cheers from their friends.

They grinned, and Buck lent over to kiss Eddie on his cheek.

“Yeah, yeah, we know, you’re back together, but please, do not subject us to your ridiculous PDA. We do not need to see that.”

[dwimpala-67]

Whatever Happens....

My two cents on the whole Prequel-Gate ...

Warning: The opinions expressed are purely personal and have no bearing on any person and if they do it’s merely coincidental and are without intention. If you choose to read this, it’s solely at your own risk and the writer is not responsible for any consequences thereof.

Jared and Jensen have been at the heart of Supernatural for past fifteen years. J2 - along with the show have been the source of joy for everyone in the fandom.  We’ve seen them grow up, seen their friendship evolve and seen the way they interact with each other. We fell in love with them, with the beautiful friendship they share, and their compassion and empathy and strength and understanding. These two beautiful individuals weaved their way into our hearts. Somehow, they’ve become a part of our lives. And we trusted them, like we do with any individual that is close to us in real life.

The end of Supernatural was bitter sweet for many of us, especially the J2 shippers. We could see our beloved show being ruined and we all thoughts perhaps, it was time to end it but secretly still wanted a miracle to happen and the story line to be back to its true canonical nature without the OOC story line that was being fed to us. Then came the announcement that Supernatural would end with season 15. Even if we knew the it was inevitable, it was still a shock. We have a saying back in my culture: “Whatever has a beginning, has to have an ultimate end.” And true to that, it was time for Supernatural to end. It doesn’t mean we had to be happy about it. After all, this was the show that meant a lot, personally to many of us.  To see it coming to an end was painful, shocking, even heartbreaking. But we accepted it eventually because life must go on.

With end of the show, we had to accept another reality. To watch our lovely pair - Jared and Jensen- go their separate ways. For 15 years, there never has been a moment where J2 weren’t in each other’s pockets. We saw them refusing to acknowledge personal space, saw them making heart eyes at each other, saw them going on dinner and lunch dates, saw them living together, getting married the same year, saw them grow their family together, saw them living in Austin together, saw them doing campaigns together, saw them golfing together, saw them being there for each other, making each other smile, saw them having each other’s back. We practically saw their love blossoming - for some it was a unique friendship and for some it was more than that. I don’t mean to point anyone out here, but the bottom line is that everyone of the J2 fans saw an ideal relationship between two people we loved the most. We choose to believe in what we saw.  And for us to suddenly see them being away form each other was hard to digest. It still is!

But we chose to believe everything was good, because we believed what our eyes saw. The way Jared and Jensen talked about each other in interviews even after the finale, the way they spoke at the virtual conventions, the way they interacted on social media and even the few instances of fans seeing Jared in Colorado exactly the time it was Jensen’s birthday, the way Jared knew about Jensen’s Soldier Boy suit before anyone else, and I could mention countless such instances that made us believe that the relationship these two idiots share was special and perfect. The kinda thing that can be called “made for each other.”

One fine day, we came to know not everything was as we believed it to be. It turned out Jensen did something by not telling Jared anything about it when the latter has been an integral part of the original concept. Everyone was beyond shocked. Each one of us felt betrayed, angered, pained at the way our beloved pair had a public fallout. Some chose to take sides and some decided to leave the fandom while others decided to be angry and disappointed in Jensen. There was despair all around and no one knew what was going on behind the closed doors. The only thing we knew was Jared was hurt and Jensen was the reason behind it.

I won’t go into the what, why and how of the whole fiasco, because by now, everyone has their own theories as answers to these questions. I have mine too. I see these theories as some sort of “justification” from our side to make sense of the situation. It’s not wrong because we’re searching for answers. We’re also searching for answers we will never get. (Unless either of the J’s decide to speak on it.) But there are a few questions that I feel are important to be addressed.

Do we have the right to feel angry and hurt over the issue? Absolutely Yes.

Do we have the right to take sides? Of course.

Are our feelings of hurt and pain that we resonated with Jared valid? Hell yes.

Everyone has a coping mechanism and the initial emotions or reactions were absolutely valid. However, it’s what happened later that has me thinking.

1. Do we have the right to know what happened behind the scenes? Probably but we would never. There lies the uncertain feeling of “how should I proceed from here?” and “How do I feel about it?”

2. Do we have the right to demand an explanation or an apology from Jensen? Absolutely no.

3. Do we have the right to throw vile words at/abuse the people involved? Hell no.

I would like to look at the whole thing in perspective. This has affected many of us and perhaps woken us up with a hard slap of reality.

For all of the 15 years, we’ve been fed with the “happy couple” image and for us, maybe the boys became the image of the “perfect couple with no issues” and when there was a very public spat between the two, there was a serious damage to our perception. This is where people didn’t know how to react. Many spoke out their emotions clearly, many were sad, confused and scared and many decided to be bitter. Few decided to leave I have no problem with it, I don’t judge, as I said earlier everyone has their own coping mechanism.

I feel like the issue is, as fans we are here to celebrate and have fun and not become entitled to know the truth or demand answers from the celebrities. Sometimes we forget entitlement is a delusion based on self centeredness. The demand to know what happened or the demand for Jensen to apologize in a particular manner cannot be the way we deal with the situation.

We need to consider the fact that the people we idealize, in this case J2, are also that - “people” or “Humans” to be more precise. Humans make mistakes. Just like we do in our everyday life. the problem with celebrities is, anything they do feels like “more than life” size. Even a small compliment makes us go “aww” and a disagreement/misunderstanding makes us go “Omg! They’re enemies.” It’s normal reaction because we hold them in the highest regard like “celebs/fan favs can do no wrong.” So, when this happened with J2 everyone had a reaction like this was the end or it has ruined it for me, or I’m done with this fandom. There were also a few reactions like anger and entitled demands. I always say false sense of entitlement always brings you doom rather than happiness.

The fact remains, Jensen disappointed all of us. A huge blow was dealt to the “happy couple” image and we all were left floundering. I was observing the reactions and I suddenly realized I’m far too much invested into the lives of two actors whose lives are already complicated. I mean, after the entire chaos, I too felt sad, angry and disappointed. It was upsetting me more that it should. Fandom is a space where I come to escape from real life. But if Fandom starts affecting my real life so bad as to make me upset, I felt like there’s something wrong. It shouldn’t be the reverse of what I would rather have the fandom to be, which is a happy place or the place where I go too relive my stress. And if the apparent relationship status of two actors affects me this much, it’s time to take a step back, evaluate and then proceed.

the other day, I was reading a twitter thread full of theories and according to the fans who was right and who was wrong and etc, etc, etc. I found, it shouldn’t matter to me to judge who was right and who was wrong. I’m in no position to judge who felt what, because in no way am I the party involved in the conflict. It’s a conflict between J2, who had some issues obviously and they manages to talk about it and even let us know that they are good. Now, I personally, felt like if the J’s claim they’re alright, then why should I doubt or even theorize about how their friendship has taken a toll. If someone tells me they’re fine, I usually believe them to be fine, unless I see something contrary to the fact. In this case, either of the J’s didn’t comment further on the matter and just as I was watching everyone calm down, other elements decided to jump into the muddy waters and splatter it everywhere.

The interesting thing about Kripke’s tweet was “assumption.” This word “assumption” is a very interesting word and has the capacity to blow up even the most calming waters. So, Kripke assumed, and then based on Kripke’s assumption, everyone else assumed. I’m just pointing out what happened, in no way am I justifying any of the J’s behavior. Just a thought. So assuming Kripke was right we assumed Jensen deliberately kept Jared out of the project and the issue escalated even more. Everyone was jumping the gun and then as miraculously Kripke has tweeted, he also deleted those tweets. Then came the damage control.

When Jensen and Jared had tweeted about the “truce” I thought the matter was supposed to be put to rest. Perhaps Kripke deleting the tweets and then Jensen going back to promoting his prequel was their way of brushing off the conflict and focusing more on what was more important to them: The Winchesters prequel. Another theory to add to the already existing million ones..lol.

Does this mean we should be hateful and abusive towards Jensen? No.

Our feelings of disappointment are valid but it doesn’t mean I have aright to be abusive at Jensen. No matter how he acted nothing gives me the right to throw abuse at anyone unless I’m the one who’s directly involved in the conflict. They way I see it, as a fan, I was hurt and caught off guard but I am in no position to judge either Jensen or Jared, especially when they say they’re alright. I decide to trust them. I choose to trust them, just I chose to decide they were the made for each other friends in the past.

There’s this another saying that I remember “To Err is human, to forgive is Divine.” It’s not as if either of the J’s have been flawless as a person. Everyone has some shortcomings and so do they. As a fan, I need to find the same level of “acceptance” that I do when I’m in the similar situation in real life. As a fan I need to accept that Jared and Jensen too are going to have some issues going ahead in life. Just because they are actors doesn’t mean there won’t be miscommunication or misunderstanding. They’re not perfect. They are bound to make mistakes. Just think that because this was a very public fallout, we came to know about the disagreement, try to think that in past 15 years how many times did the J’s had these disagreements and had to deal with them without telling us? No matter how huge fan you are, no one can ever claim that they now what goes behind the scenes in the celeb’s lives and same goes with J2.

We know what kinda place Hollywood is, and the J2 tinhats already have theories about bearding and stuff, and yet the J’s have remained positive throughout. There must have been contracts and papers and the “powers that be” who are involved in regulating their lives. It’s one of the many countless possibilities. We don’t know many things about their lives (even we’d like to claim otherwise). The information we get is just a 0.01% of what actually is happening. All we do is “assume” on the basis of their SM interaction or the way J2 appear in public. It’s all imagery.

They’ve been a source for inspiration for many. So, a public fallout doesn’t mean we should overlook the past. But we choose to look at it in a way that is suitable to us. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. If some of us feel like siding with Jared, it’s all good and if some of us feel like siding with Jensen, it’s all good. It’s their personal opinion and no one has the right to judge them or call them out for that.

For me, I’ve come to a conclusion that the secured bubble that I was living in has finally burst and given me a chance to look at things objectively. No matter what happens in future, I’m here to stay as long as I enjoy the fandom. If I let it affect me more than is plausible, perhaps then it’s time for me to rethink about the power I give the Fandom over me. Because it’s my choice. I alone have the choice to either let the negativity affect me or see the positive side. There’s a saying that goes, “You yourself alone are your own enemy and your true friend. The choice is yours.”

If J2 claim to be alright with each other, then I choose to believe them. Reason is simple. Because it helps me find some peace. It helps me cool down my emotions and helps me go back to enjoying the little things in fandom that bring me happiness.

 Don’t get upset with people and solutions because both are powerless without your reactions.

Let the drama continue....

After this, if you fell like unfollowing me, the door is always open.

In the end, whatever happens, happens for good. If it’s meant to be, then I’ll be the happiest and if it’s not, well, it’s beyond my control.

I love them both.

Peace and Love.

- A J2 fan.

[witcher-and-his-bard-archive]

Good as Gold pt.21

[part twenty] | [part twenty-two] [prostitute!jaskier masterpost] 

 After Wyzima, Geralt almost doesn't go back at all. Last time was... not normal and Geralt can't let himself slip any further. Setting aside the fact that Jaskier wasn't working or that they fucked in his bed in a house he owns, it was just different. The sex was different - more intimate in a way Geralt doesn't know how to deal with even days later. The only thing he understands now is that it can't happen again; something has changed and Geralt can't continue under the circumstances. It isn't fair to Jaskier and he'll only end up hurting both of them in the long run.

He's become attached. As hard as he tried not to, something about Jaskier wormed his way under his skin and settled in and now he's here. He could never ask Jaskier for anything, could never expect a whore from Hagge to want any of the things Geralt longs for, so he has to end it. And he has to do it today or he'll lose his nerve. Winter is coming and he'll be heading up to the keep soon. He'll have his brothers to keep his mind off the lingering loneliness and in the spring he'll just have to find a different brothel. Maybe he'll wait until he gets to Novigrad and visit the Passiflora. Whatever he decides to do, he needs to finish this first.

Geralt approaches slowly, rehearsing what he wants to say over in his head. The building looms up in front of him and he ducks his head, refusing to acknowledge it. With any luck, Jaskier will be free and Geralt can just go up to his room and they can talk privately. He'll tell Jaskier what he came here to tell him and then when he leaves he'll go into the forest and find something to hunt to work off the excess energy.

The plan falls apart almost instantly. Geralt is so focused on getting upstairs and to Jaskier's room that he doesn't notice the man sitting on the other side of the room. Not, at least, until Jaskier slips up behind him, hands on his waist. Jaskier hums as he presses up against him and Geralt barely refrains from sighing in frustration.

"I missed you," Jaskier purrs and Geralt has to steel himself against the swell of emotion. It rises up through his chest and threatens to drown him.

"Don't say that."

"I did."

"I don't believe you." Geralt pulls away and when he turns, Jaskier is looking at him skeptically, his lips twisted in concern. "It's your job, I get it and that's fine, but don't tell me that." Jaskier's frown deepens and his shoulders slump.

"Maybe we should talk upstairs." He speaks with certainty, but his expression is still worried and Geralt doesn't bother with a response before heading for the stairs. Jaskier follows.

He slips ahead of him on the landing, entering the room ahead of Geralt. It's late and the light is dim enough that Jaskier crosses to the dresser, lighting the lantern that sits on it. He proceeds around the room, lighting candles as Geralt shuffles in and shuts the door behind him. Now that he's here, he's beginning to regret letting Jaskier bring him up to his room.

Geralt doesn't have a home and there are few places he feels comfortable but over the past years, Jaskier's room has become something of a haven to him. The prospect of leaving and never returning sits heavily in his stomach. He's going to change his mind if he doesn't say something soon. But he’s made a decision. He can’t ask Jaskier to leave the comforts of his home to travel the wilderness with him; the Path is no place for anyone but a Witcher. Jaskier deserves love, deserves a family and someone who will return home to him every night and Geralt can’t offer him that.

Jaskier finishes with the lighting and comes to stand in front of Geralt again. Neither of them has spoken and his expression is carefully schooled into something neutral but Geralt can hear the way his heart beats just a little too quickly. He can't imagine why - Jaskier has never been afraid of him. Geralt can't find the words to say what he wants, so Jaskier sighs and speaks instead.

"You know I don't charge so much just so I can trick people into coming back to me. I've never lied to you, Geralt. I've never misled you. I did miss you.”

"Hmm."

"Geralt, what's going on? I thought-" he cuts himself off, looking away and up to the ceiling. "Have I done something? If you want- If I've done something to upset you I'll be happy to refund you but I'd like to know what it was."

"Nothing," Geralt mumbles. He had this all planned out, knew every word he wanted to say and had a counter for any possible dissuasion. But now that Jaskier is in front of him, looking small and soft and hurt, he can't remember any of it.

"Right."

He has to say something. If he doesn't this is going to get worse or Geralt is going to leave without saying anything and Jaskier doesn't deserve this - even if it is just a business agreement. He can’t bring himself to do it.

"I have to go."

Jaskier sighs but he sounds resigned, not frustrated. "You just got here."

“I know, but I- I shouldn’t stay. I should leave you to it.” His stomach feels like it's in his throat and he struggles to find the words. They’re right there on the tip of his tongue and he can hear himself saying them, but he can’t make them come out.

"Why?" Jaskier speaks so softly Geralt nearly doesn't hear him over the beating of his heart and the deafening silence between them.

"It's for the best."

"Geralt, tell me what I did. I tried to be good for you, I tried to give you everything you wanted. I don't understand what I did wrong."

Geralt can’t even look at him, can’t face the sheer devastation in his face. Jaskier doesn’t understand that this is what’s best for them. Eventually, Geralt will adjust to being alone again and Jaskier will find some lovely young thing to make him happy. They’ll have a couple of kids, grow old together, and Jaskier will forget about the Witcher he once knew.

"You did nothing wrong," Geralt breathes and he can feel something clench tight in his chest and not let go. "I should go." He makes to leave but Jaskier's hand brushes against his forearm.

"Just... stay for tonight? It's late and it's getting cold." He sounds sad and while Geralt knows he should leave, every part of him is screaming to stay, to wrap Jaskier in his arms and never let him go. He can't - for both their sakes. But he can stay for once last night.

"Okay," he agrees, "just for tonight."

Jaskier relaxes somewhat at that and turns to tend to the fire. Geralt watches as he crouches before it, surprised at how quickly he gets the wood crackling. He pulls the grate across once it's burning steadily and crosses to sit on the bed. Geralt hasn't moved from his spot in front of the door, but he shuffles over when Jaskier beckons him.

"Tell me then, what can I do for you tonight?" he tries to sound enthusiastic but it doesn't quite land.

"Nothing. I don't want anything tonight." Jaskier's sadness spikes and Geralt shuts his eyes. "It's not anything you've done. I just- can we just rest?"

"Of course," Jaskier says, "you must be tired. Come," he holds out his hands and against all his better sense, Geralt lets Jaskier take his hands, rubbing his thumbs against the palms of Geralt's hands.

He pulls him forward and when Jaskier releases his hands, Geralt curls his fingers into fists, unsure what to do with himself. He lets himself be guided to the bed and reluctantly lets Jaskier undress him. He struggles to keep his hands to himself, struggles to keep from pulling Jaskier into his lap. To keep from kissing him.

If things were different, he thinks he might have had a chance at something more with Jaskier, but that's not his life. The life of a Witcher is dark and solitary; too dangerous for anyone else. Jaskier had said he wasn't unloveable, but that doesn't mean anyone will love him. The capacity for something doesn't necessarily ensure it's existence. And Geralt is better off on his own anyway - this dalliance with Jaskier has only proven that.

When he's been stripped down to his smallclothes, Geralt lays on the bed, shifting toward the wall to leave space for Jaskier to join him. He does after a few moments, pulling a thick wool blanket over both of them. He faces Geralt, avoiding looking him in the eyes, but maybe that's for the best.

Geralt will never forget the colour of his eyes, the soft slope of his nose, any of it. Jaskier will be as clear as this in his mind until the day he dies. Geralt isn't sure if it's better or worse than forgetting about him altogether.

Neither of them speaks and after a short while Jaskier's breath evens out and he relaxes into the bed. He shifts in his sleep, turning over so he's facing into the room and Geralt aches to slip an arm over his hip, pull him closer. And why shouldn't he? What could it hurt when he'll be gone soon anyway.

So he tugs Jaskier close and curls around him, sliding his hand up his chest and holding it there. He can feel the beat of Jaskier's heart through his hand and he shuts his eyes, pressing his nose into his hair. Because it's just for tonight. When morning comes, he'll leave for good, so what's the harm in giving in one last time?