#and reflects on her but also . sorry bestie i hate my job

[francisforever2014]

got in trouble for being on my phone too much at work 😭 i won’t stop tho

[badassxbirdy]

It’s time once again for an activity update. If you’re new here: these posts help me to keep track of what the frick I’ve been doing, particularly when tumblr breaks or the brain fog strikes. This update includes replies and interactions posted from the 1st of January to the 3rd of February, as well as anything queued or in drafts at the time of posting. Everything else can be found in previous updates under this tag. There’s also the full thread tracker here.

The navigation page for mobile users can be found here.

If you want to see all IC interactions without the other stuff, click here. If you’d like to start something new, there are opens and memes, or you can just hit up the DM’s. You can also add Tyler on Discord for IC texting. Username is the same as her url, just let me know who you are if you add her.

The full activity update (along with OOC housekeeping) is below the cut. Bold text = links.

Now onto the update!

OOC Housekeeping

Thank you for the lovely birthday messages! 🥰

I'm still trying to shake off this infection, and so I once again want to stress that any shoddy replies are NOT a reflection of my enthusiasm for writing with you! My brain frequently turns into mush, particularly when my health issues decide to kick off, and that has been a bit of a struggle as of late. I very much mean it when I say this: it’s not you, it’s me!

Threads, replies, and other IC interactions: (in alphabetical order by username.)

@2kyears

"Have you forgotten that you should not steal someone’s property?" - link

@day0fwrath

TY AND JARTHER TIIIIIME! 🥳 - queued

@demcnsinmymind - link to the roadside besties tracker page here

Tyler is having a Bad Time™️, and I am yelling about the entire situation! ☠️ - link

Taking Lance on a hunt - link

Giving Lance a haircut - queued

Car trouble - drafted

Adorable sleepover vibes - queued

Azzy proves a point - queued

@derschwarzeengel - link to our tracker page here

"I can’t mansplain manipulate manwhore my way out of this one guys!" - link

Terrible ideas - drafted

@florafound - link to our tracker page here

Trap! - drafted

@gentle-hearted

"Did you just call me... small?" - drafted

@heavenguided

Tyler is judging Michael. 😂 - queued

@malka-lisitsa

Suspicious Tyler is suspicious - queued

@milleroptimism

Pizzaless and insulted 😔 - link

@multi-royalty

Bad aim - drafted

@nightiingaled - link to our tracker page here

Killian is injured, Tyler is panicking. - link

“I am a grownup!” - link

Ty meets the weird little eldritch man! - link

Time for The Talk. 😭 - link

The bby gets a home, and I am cry. - link

@normallyxstranger

“You seem to be doing a great job at being a nuisance. ” (Victor) - link

The greatest shirt in existence! (Mason) - queued

"I’m lonely but not in a hot mysterious way" (Jamie) - drafted

@ofteaandmagic

Extreme awkwardness - queued

“Sorry for being British.” - queued

@stupidiinspades

Doomed by the narrative - link

@sunmad

“Sorry for acting so strange and irregular; It will happen again.” - link

@timeisbrain

Accidental coffee stealing - link

@wolfskrieger

"Does the hate come from the heart or just out of habit?" - link

Headcanon, dash games, and assorted silliness:

Ty's opinion on Elisiel - link

Mel's opinion on Ty - link

Lance and Azzy's opinions on Ty - link and link

Thread and dash commentary - link and link

I think that’s everything, but as always, please let me know if I’ve missed something. I never intentionally drop threads without notifying, so if it’s not here, I am either having a brain fart or I simply have not seen it. Remember to be kind to yourselves! ❤️ — Em

[beckelliesden]

A lot of people around here get angry at the very notion that Aziraphale's decision reflects poorly on him, but the truth of the matter is, they kinda do.

That doesn't mean Aziraphale isn't a well-meaning, good person or that we all have to give him hate for it. It just means he's a flawed, complex character with complex motivations. There's a HUGE difference between acknowledging a character did something wrong but allowing it makes perfect sense for them to do so given their past/history AND refusing to admit they've done anything wrong at all.

I mean, I get it, people love Micheal Sheen (who wouldn't?) and they love Aziraphale. I love him, too. But let's be honest here, Aziraphale still has A LOT of character development to do before he can have an healthy relationship with Crowley, because he clearly believes some part of Crowley's identity (the fact he's a demon) is an institutional mistake that needs fixing. You can't love someone for who they are but insist, even after having known them for 6000 years, that some part of them is wrong/inferior/not as it should be.

I've seen some people in the fandom going around saying Crowley is the one who broke Aziraphale's heart because he doesn't understand and that Aziraphale is doing this for him and loves him like he his and I'm sorry, but no.

Also, that's some damn heavy shit. There's just so much to unpack I don't even know where to start. Throughout the season, Aziraphale 1) takes Crowley for granted 2) refuses to meet him half-way 3) tries to change him (the whole car thing is a metaphor if I've ever seen one) 4) subvert other character's agency AND 5) makes important decisions for other people, including Crowley, without asking them what they want or getting to know them first. No matter how well-intentioned he is, those are NOT healthy patterns, and pretending there is nothing problematic about his behavior because his intentions are pure is fucked up, y'all. Saying Crowley is in the wrong for having some self-respect, for refusing to change everything he his on a whim, for refusing to become his significant other's 'second-in-command' (YEAH) and going back to a side who's treated him unfairly to please his partner, is fucked up. Nobody should have to put up with any of this in a healthy relationship.

Let me put it this way. If your bestie told you her long-time crush/partner has just gotten an unexpected (and frankly somewhat undeserved) promotion. That she wants your bestie to move to Australia with her on the spot and become her 'second in command' in an organization who's rejected and abused your bestie in the past and left her with severe unresolved trauma. That your bestie's partner accepted the job WITHOUT consulting with your bestie first, intends to go to Australia no matter how your bestie feels about it because 'it's the right thing to do' and is ready to break up with your bestie over it, you sure as HELL wouldn't be okay with it because your bestie's partner 'is a cinnamon roll' and works for OXFAM.

More to the point, Good Omens has always been a critique of the whole idea of Good vs Evil as a system of belief. Saying that Aziraphale is misunderstood and has done nothing wrong because he's on the side of Good and wants to reform Heavens, to my mind, shows you don't understand the message at the core of GO. It's not about picturing Aziraphale as a bad guy for wanting to reform Heavens. It's about bemoaning the fact that Aziraphale, for all his 6000 years on Earth, still doesn't get that nothing is quite so clear cut as Good and Evil.

if you take "I can make a difference" at face value you simply must also consider "you're the bad guys.” like they are both vital aspects of aziraphale's decision. the problem is not just aziraphale's attempt to lead a corrupt system, it is also his continued belief in the superiority of heaven and angels over hell and demons. that's why crowley was so hurt. it's not just a miscommunication, or a disagreement on the practicalities of changing hearts and minds in heaven--it is a fundamental misunderstanding of morality and of crowley as a person. if crowley had asked aziraphale to come to hell to help fix it and protect the earth, he would not have gone. he says so. it’s not just about safety, or reform. it is about being Good.

and all of this happens because aziraphale is not just motivated by fear and love: he is also motivated by shame. he is insecure in his identity as an angel and a Good Guy, and both his alienation from heaven and his relationship with crowley have always aggravated this insecurity. it’s why shax’s mockery hit him so hard, and why he’s so susceptible to manipulation from the metatron. he desperately wants to be taken seriously and treated with respect and to have power and be an uncomplicated Good Guy, and that is just as much of a motivating factor in his decision as his desire to protect humanity and crowley.

and re: “appoint you to be an angel”: I know people want to insist that aziraphale has never wanted to change anything about crowley, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think that’s true. over and over in season 2 aziraphale demonstrates a desire to sand the rough edges off people and things for the sake of the Greater Good, without consideration for the free will or complex emotions of others. obviously this tendency culminates in the ball, where he exerts control over all of the humans to make everything perfect for maggie and nina, and in doing so, infringes on their autonomy and nina’s (crowley’s narrative mirror!) capacity to feel her own anger and sadness. and he has never liked that crowley is a demon. in his mind, the problem has always been that crowley was put in the wrong category, not that the entire system of dividing people and angels into Good and Bad is ridiculous. that’s the exact lesson he needs to learn.

and yes, his intentions are good, absolutely. I don’t think aziraphale ever acts out of malice, and I do think he genuinely wants the best for the people around him, particularly crowley. after all, if crowley is accepted as an angel again, as aziraphale has always secretly considered him to be, their relationship can (in his mind) finally stop being so fraught with danger and conflict. (the other side of that, of course, is that aziraphale can also stop being so ashamed for loving someone who is supposed to be Bad, and everything in his life will make sense again, the way it hasn’t since he met that star maker who got so upset about god’s plan.)

but that’s not who crowley is, and it never has been. even before he fell, crowley’s recklessness and relentless questions made aziraphale uncomfortable. their relationship has never been safe or easy, and in wanting to make it so, aziraphale is demonstrating a desire to change the parts of crowley that led to his fall, whether he intends to or not.

I’m rambling, but the point is: the insistence on reframing this moment as a purely selfless, calculated, self-sacrificing decision by aziraphale to protect crowley and the world ignores the uglier parts of the things he said in order to make their eventual reconciliation less complicated, and it’s really frustrating to me. crowley is in fact right to be upset by what he said, and it’s not just a misunderstanding that can be fixed with aziraphale saying “I was only trying to protect you!” and another kiss. it’s a culmination of all of the double think aziraphale has been doing in order to preserve his vision of heaven as The Source Of Truth And Light And Good since before the beginning of time, and it’s time for him to finally unpack it.

(and because every post on the final fifteen needs a disclaimer: aziraphale is trying his best and has an incredible amount of love in his heart and wants so badly to do good and ALSO the things he says, does, and believes can be incredibly hurtful and destructive. all of these things can be true.)

[dollfaced-erin]

Not So New Afterall (Sdv Sebastian x F!Reader)

A/n: Hi! Hi!! Rin here again! It’s been quite a while since I’ve written, and this may be one of my last chapters before I got on a hiatus. School’s opening up soon, and I’m a hostel student. Currently, this is my last year, so by the end of this year, I’ll be updating lots more! (And playing alot more Stardew valley hehe)

This chapter may be more Abigail centered, since the friendship between the two is really necessary for the plot.

Ah, one more thing, the clothing choices will be based on a mod in Stardew Valley, cute seasonal clothing for NPC’s

Oh plus, Sebastian’s gonna be that emo jerk, ya hear me? Don’t go coming at me for that please :’)

CHAPTER THREE

It’s been a few weeks since (Y/n) had moved in, and apparently, had been settling in just nicely. Not only was she doing well with the farm, she was starting to get along with the all the villagers of Pelican Town. Especially the bachelors and bachelorettes around her age. 

Namely, Abigail and Sam.

Speaking of the duo, they had been hanging out with (Y/n) whenever she was free. But she seldom was, since she had to maintain her income by doing other work such as fishing, mining for mineral goods and doing odd-jobs for those around the town and they respected her.

Sebastian too hasn’t seen her recently, except during the moments she come to his house to talk to Robin about the farm buildings when he comes out to get lunch (or breakfast, for his case), or when she passes by on her way to the mines when he was taking a smoke. She would always slip in a brief hello and the two would exchange a few words before she was well on her way.

(Y/n) wasn’t always one to take a breather, not when she has so many things to take care of. Harvey apparently told Maru who told Robin, who told Sebastian, who told Sam, who told Abigail that (Y/n) had passed out numerous times from exerting herself too much. So the two put their heads together to get her to relax a little. 

Abigail was staring out into the clear blue stream that flowed beneath the stone bridge she stood on. The fish were swimming happily beneath her and she smiled in delight. Oh how she wished she could be as carefree as the fish. 

“Ah! I got it!” a familiar voice exclaimed from behind her. 

Abigail whipped her head around, her purple locks swaying as she did, as she turned around to see her (h/c) friend with a bamboo pole clutched in her hands. 

“Oh, wow! It’s a big one!” Abigail shrieked in excitement, her green eyes shining with pure joy. “Come on, (Y/n)! You got this!” she cheered, her hands in determined fists as she watched her friend reel in the marine life. 

“Ah!” (Y/n) exclaimed, as she successfully reeled in a silver-grade Shad. 

“You did it!” Abigail cheered childishly. Then, she stopped as her face beamed red. It was quite rare of her to have an outburst like this, she was usually so reserved to people she didn’t really know. 

She glanced at the (s/c) girl next to her, who was quite pleased with her catch. But ever since this girl moved in, she, without a doubt had shared her interests with the said girl, leading to many long and exciting conversations. 

Abigail admits that (Y/n) is a worthy as a cool enough gal to hang out with the gang.

“Yo, (Y/n). Me and the gang are hanging out at the Saloon tonight. You down?” Abigail asked with occasional her city-girl slang. (Y/n)’s head whipped around to face her, her (e/c) eyes gleaming. “You and the gang? You mean Sebastian and Sam?”

Abigail nodded as she let out a slight chuckle. “You bet. It’s some kind of tradition for us, and I thought maybe you should join us sometime,” Abigail invited as she flashed a quirky smile with her pearl white teeth.

She was hoping so bad in her heart that the girl would say yes, she really wanted some girl time with another female after so long with only boys. Agh, that must have sounded so bad, she scolded herself. She was literally gonna die if (Y/n) said no after she had put up that ‘macho’ front.

“If the boys don’t mind me around, sure why not? I could use some sweet free time, with my bestie,” said (Y/n) as she nudged her elbow with the purple-haired lady, a similar teasing smile on her lips. 

“Great! Meetup starts at 5, game starts 30 minutes after,” Abigail said. (Y/n) nods her head, “Thanks, I’ll head on right over after settling my shipments for the day! Can’t go on without making progress on the farm, huh?” 

The two parted, leaving Abigail to look at her reflection one last time in the crystal clear river, before heading off to the game room of the Stardrop Saloon. Her smile was so wide, she got lots of odd stares from her parents, since she was such a cold and shut-out girl, and to see her like this really shocked her parents. 

“Honey, what’s got you in such a mood?” Caroline asked, as she passed her daughter as she lent Evelyn a hand whilst tending the community gardens. “Ah, it’s...it’s nothing, Mom!” Abigail said, her smile immediately morphing into one of shock.

“Is it Sebastian, Robin’s son?” Caroline teased, making Abigail shake her head furiously. “No, Mom! It’s not him!” she protested, her face getting slightly redder. 

“Hmm, then I don’t suppose it’s that charming farmer that hung out with you a moment ago?” the green-haired lady teased once more.

 “Uh-(Y/n)?! No! It’s really not!” Abigail protested more, more aggressively once more, realizing her mom was spot on. The woman laughed lightly at her daughter whilst the young woman stormed off in frustration. 

“I know it’s both of them,” Caroline smiled delightfully. Maybe the farmer’s presence really would bring a good change to the community, and most importantly, to her daughter.

“You said (Y/n) was joining us?” Sam said ecstatically as he plopped down on the red sofa in the corner of the arcade room. Abigail nodded triumphantly, since Sam had been trying to really hard to strike up an interesting conversation between the two before it fades down to awkward silence.

“I’m telling you, she’s this really cool girl type. She won’t let your conversation die down!” Sebastian heard the female tell, as soon as he stepped into the Saloon. 

“Yo, Seb!” Sam greeted, raising a hand, as the male responded similarly, before tucking his hands into his pockets of his hoodie once more. “So, who’s one to not let your story die, huh, Abby?” Sebastian teased, indirectly telling her just how loud she was.

“It’s not that frequent I hear you praising someone so generously,” he said, plopping himself right next to Sam. Abigail huffed and crossed her arms, “Oh, come on, Seb! You know she’s an out-going person,” she said before her expression morphed into one of teasing. 

“Oh, right. You don’t spend much time out of your room to know about the outside,” she teased, making an irk mark appear on Sebastian’s forehead. “Excuse me? I’m working my butt off from programming, mind you,” he said.

“Hey, (Y/n)!” Gus greeted, and a loud hello from Emily.

“It’s rare to see you here, but how’re you doing?” Pierre asked, as the said girl entered their vision. It seems that she had groomed and cleaned herself thoroughly before coming, her (h/c) hair slightly shiny from water, and her bright skin that was earlier much redder from heavy-duty. Her clothes also seemed to have changed from her dirt marred blue pants and black shirt to a white shirt with a light blue jacket and light blue skirt.

“I’m doing great! The seeds I got are sprouting just nicely!” the girl praised, earning a hefty laugh from Pierre.

After greeting those that have called out to her, she made her way over to the trio that had invited her over. “Wow, didn’t know she was this well-known since she’s new and all,” Sebastian muttered.

“Haven’t you heard? Mayor Lewis put (Y/n) in charge of mending the old community center, and everyone’s buzzing about it!” Sam said, quite surprised at his friend’s reaction. “She’s starting to get on great terms with my mom, and Vincent totally likes her,”

Abigail nodded in agreement, “Yeah, Dad has been boasting that (Y/n)’s been preferring our goods over Joja’s,” she said making Sebastian scoff lightly. 

“New and already a people-pleaser?” Sebastian said, quite sour with how easy (Y/n) managed to round everyone’s attention within a small time span.

Sam slapped his back in a friendly way, “Hey, sooner or later you’re gonna have fun with her too,” Sam said. Typical Sam, a cliche optimistic guy.

“I’ll see if she’s a good enough lass to hang around,” he said as he stood up and picked up his personal favourite cue stick. “Let’s see how well she plays pool,” he said, a slight smirk on his face making colour drain from Abigail and Sam’s faces. 

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late! I picked up a few things I wanted to hand out,” the girl said as she racked a hand into a small pouch. (Y/n) then approached Abigail and gestured a hand.

Abigail was legit scared that (Y/n) would put something she hated like...like spiders. But (Y/n) laughed it off and said she wouldn’t stoop that low. The said girl placed a fistful of cold small...things on the pale girl’s hand.

When she released her hand, turns out (Y/n) had placed a fistful of Amethysts in her hand. “I saw this in the mines and thought about your purple hair, do you like it?” she asked.

“Like it? I love it! You’re the absolute best, (Y/n)!” Abigail gushed before the multi-job farmer turned to Sam. 

“I heard from your mom you love this, and I got plenty,” (Y/n) said as she produced a tin of Joja cola and handed it to Sam. “Yo, thanks! I really like this! Thanks a whole bunch, (Y/n)!” 

“And, Sebastian!” she said, as she held her fist behind her back, her other hand fiddling with her pouch. “Don’t think you can be friends with me that easi--” he was cut off by a forceful pull taking his arm and stretching it out, the palm open. 

“Ah, you were already waiting for something?” the girl teased, making the other two snicker as the ravenette’s face turned red and looked away. “N-no,” he stuttered as he felt something warm then cold press into his palm.

He looked back into the open hand, a lovely crystal blue item resting on it, other than the slender body part that held his hand. A frozen tear. Sebastian looked at (Y/n) in disbelief. But the latter just smiled cheekily.

“I reached level 53 in the mines yesterday, and saw this little beauty. Looks like you, don’t you think?” she asked, a playful smirk on her lips as her gaze lingered to her feet. 

Sebastian’s eyebrow lifted, as he expected the girl to continue what she was saying. “Small, and cold, don’t you agree?” she teased as Abigail and Sam burst out laughing. 

Sebastian’s eyebrows furrowed in slight anger but more to amusement and his expression turned into his sour one (y’know, like one of his sprite design). “Sorry, sorry,” (Y/n) laughed. “But no, actually, it just reminded me of you, no lie.”

“Thanks,” Sebastian said, his face reddening as he realized he hadn’t pulled his hand from hers. “I...I really like this. How did you know..?” he trailed off. “Instinct, truthfully. You look like someone who loves things from the mines, am I wrong?”

“Right,” Sebastian said, before picking up another cue stick, handing it to her. “(Y/n). Wanna play a game of pool?” he asked, or more like challenged, as the two cheered slightly in the back. Abigail clutching onto Sam’s sleeve and he clutched her hand in slight panic to (Y/n) answer.

A small smile graced her plump pink lips, as the maiden accepted the stick the male held out for her to take. “I’m not too good at this, but I’ll give it a shot.”

[forever-lynx]

as long as he had eiji

pairing: asheiji

word count: 1754

angst with mild hurt/comfort

A/N: shoutout to the big motivator @emi-joanna 😌this one’s for you bestie

this was also meant for mother’s day yesterday but i had an essay to finish so i couldn’t complete it on time... well, it’s here now! i hope you enjoy

–––––––

The smell of pancakes flew through the air. Eiji wanted to make something simple this morning. He was exhausted from work; he was called in for extra hours in the past week to cover for his sick co-worker. Eiji was smiling to himself as he made the pancakes. Today was Mother’s Day and it reminded him of how much he missed his mom. He’d have to call his mom after breakfast.

Eiji inhaled the smell of his pancakes. He was an excellent cook, he knew; he had to cook for his younger sister back when he lived in Izumo because his mom would often be at the hospital beside his dad. Eiji grew melancholic at the thought of his dad. He missed his family more than anything, though he did not regret living in New York. He never would. It gave him the opportunity to meet his soulmate, the man he valued above all else. Speaking of which, he turned his head toward the couch his lover was asleep on. Ash was awake until late hours of the night in order to complete his business report. Ash was working incredibly hard in his new job. He truly valued it, and Eiji was forever proud of him for his hard work.

The two had not yet moved from New York. Ash had unfinished business to take care of with his gang which caused them to postpone their travels. It was unfortunate – Ash was really looking forward to seeing the place Eiji was born in, and above all he was looking forward to finally escaping the suffocating atmosphere of New York – but they had their aspirations, and it would not escape their grasp so easily. 

Eiji piled up the last bit of the pancakes on top of each other and placed them in the middle of the table. He walked over to Ash to wake him up. Ash’s nightmares still continued, unfortunately; though it was to be expected, two months was not enough time to heal from an incredibly traumatic event. And in Ash’s case, he was still dealing with the devils of his past. It pained Eiji; he wanted to be the barrier that protected Ash from all the hurt in the universe. Though as unrealistic as that may be, he was happy to be beside Ash, from now to forever. 

Eiji knelt beside Ash and kissed his cheek. 

“Aslan,” he murmured. “Breakfast is ready.” 

Ash grumbled, turning positions.

Eiji giggled, “Wake up you sleepyhead.”

“Fuck no.” Ash groaned.

“Aslan. You have five seconds to wake up or else I am flipping this couch.”

“I’d like to see your twink ass try.” 

“You are impossible,” Eiji said, grabbing a pillow from the other couch and hitting Ash with it.

“What the fuck– Eiji!”

“I spent ten minutes making pancakes, you are not going to let them grow cold and have all my hard work go to waste. Stupid American.” Eiji hit him with a pillow again.

Ash grabbed his pillow and threw it at Eiji. Luckily, the Japanese boy was able to ditch it. Eiji laughed and stuck his tongue out.

“Too slow.”

“Slow?! Oh, you’ll pay for this,” Ash threatened, lunging at Eiji and tickling him. Eiji erupted in a fit of laughter. The pillow fell from his hand as Ash continued to attack him with tickles. 

“Fine! Ah- you win!” Ash smiled in triumph. He got up and made his way to the table.

“Pancakes. Wonderful. Yours are to die for.”

“I am not taking compliments from a man who almost killed me with tickles.” Eiji said, sitting down. “Death by tickles, huh? Never tried that method before. Sounds lame.”

Eiji rolled his eyes. The lovers dived in, gulfing down their breakfast. They talked about their work and their plans for Izumo. Eiji was beyond ecstatic to have Ash see his home city. He wanted to introduce him to his neighbours and his friends. He couldn’t wait to take Ash to his old school grounds and the park where he learned how to ride a bike. He wanted Ash to see every little detail of Izumo and he hoped more than anything that his boyfriend would finally find peace. 

Once breakfast was over and Eiji had cleaned the table, he announced that he’d be calling his mom.

“It is Mother’s Day. It will only take a minute.” Eiji said. Though that wasn’t entirely the truth. His mother tended to stretch one minute long phone calls to an hour. “Take as much time as you need,” Ash assured him. Eiji smiled and went in their room for the phone call. He did not want to bother Ash when he had mountains of work to do.

Ash settled on his desk chair and stared at his laptop screen. Mother’s Day, he thought, how odd to dedicate an entire day for a parent. Who even came up with this shit?

Ash sighed and shook his head. It wasn’t worth questioning something as minor as this. He tried to focus on his work; he stared at the numbers before him. Unfortunately for him, he was unable to make out what they meant. He knew the formulas – he knew this job like the back of his hand – but his brain refused to cooperate. Weird, he thought.

Ash got up from his chair and made himself coffee. Perhaps he was too tired from the night before to even focus on his work. Of course, that was it. He simply needed to wake up and consume as much coffee and Monster Energy drinks as he could.

Ash sat on the couch with the coffee cup in his hand. He was staring at the blank TV screen, looking at his reflection. The more he stared, the more it felt like the person staring back at him was a stranger. Sometimes he would do this, staring at his reflection until he could not recognize the face. People would find this an abnormal activity, but not to Ash. He was used to questioning the person he saw in his reflection.

Eiji’s laughter erupted from the other room. Ash grinned slightly. Eiji loved his mom, Ash knew. They loved each other. Like a normal family. Like what he always wanted.

The thought hit Ash. He violently shook his head – why was he thinking about this? Yes, it was Mother’s Day, but it meant nothing to him. He never knew his mom, anyway. Why would he want to celebrate a day dedicated to someone who had abandoned him? He thought it was some sick humor. Mother’s Day was just for people to rub their healthy relationship with their mom on those who didn’t.

Eiji had once told him that his mom cared for him, which was why he was named Aslan Jade Callanreese. The thought of his mom caring for him made him laugh. If she truly cared, why had she left Ash with that bastard of a dad? 

Ash’s vision suddenly got blurry. He scoffed and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He didn’t understand why he was wasting his energy dwelling on this. His mom had left him. Full stop. He had gotten over it.

Right?

Ash inhaled shakily. He hated to admit it but he always yearned for a mom who cared. He wanted to know what it was like to come home from school to the smell of freshly baked cookies and the happy humming of a mom. On nights when he could not sleep, he found himself yearning for the touch of his mom, a woman he never got the privilege of knowing. More than anything, he wanted proof that his mom had loved him. The feeling of despair that came with this thought was overwhelming. Ash was suffocating in the loss of someone he had never known. 

Ash’s head dropped in his hands. He allowed his tears to flood on the carpet below. His body was shaking with gloom, his world turning black. All these years he hoped it would get easier and it never did. It never would.

Ash heard Eiji’s footsteps getting closer. He immediately stood up and wiped his tears away. He didn’t want to ruin Eiji’s day just because he got sad over his mom. Eiji deserved to enjoy this day – he deserve to enjoy every day.

“My sister wanted to talk to me in the end… I had to tell my mom I had somewhere urgent to go to just so I could avoid talking to her,” Eiji said.

Ash let out a light chuckle; he was doing his best to act normal.

“Ah, I see you made some coffee for yourself. Good to know you did not burn the kitchen.”

Ash chuckled again, looking away from Eiji. As much as he tried to hide his hurt, Eiji always noticed. He always knew when something was off.

Eiji walked towards Ash and sat next to him.

“You do not have to tell me what is wrong, but is there anything I can do to help? We can go get hot dogs if that is what you want.” Eiji softly said.

Ash smiled, “No it’s- it’s okay. It’s just…” Ash hesitated. “It’s Mother’s Day…” Ash could not get the words out of his mouth. The tears seemed to be spilling back immediately. Stupid emotions, he thought.

Luckily, Eiji immediately understood what Ash meant. He always did. “Oh,” Eiji said softly. “I am sorry, Aslan. I should have checked in on you today before I did anything else.”

“No, it’s really okay,” Ash assured him. “It’s not a joyful day for me but you do not have to go through any trouble. Just wishing I had a mom to celebrate this day with, I guess.”

Eiji rubbed Ash’s back. “I am here for you, Aslan. We can take it easy today, if that is what you want.” There were no amount of words that would heal Ash’s hurt but he wasn’t going to leave his lover alone – he never would.

Ash stayed silent for a moment until he opened his mouth to say, “Can… can you hold me?” 

Eiji nodded, “Of course.” He hugged Ash; Ash buried his face in the crook of Eiji’s neck, letting the tears roll. 

The lovers stayed in silence. All Ash needed was Eiji to let him know it would be okay.  

This is okay, Ash thought. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay… he kept repeating to himself, because as long as he had Eiji with him, everything was okay.

[thisdreamplace]

I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

[imagine-that-100]

Conversation | Part 3 |

Description of Part 1: Matty Healy x Reader (Female) | You are a photographer, who lives in Manchester, that’s trying to make it down to London for your latest job. Your hectic morning leaves seconds to catch your train and luckily for you the 2 hour journey goes a lot faster when you have someone to make conversation with.

Word Count: 10.1k

A/N: So this is very long but I promise you it will be worth the read. Got a little drama in this part and I hope you all enjoy it. If you don’t understand any of the slang I’ve used I apologise and just message me if you are like wtf. I’d love some feedback and message me if you want to be tagged! Hope you all enjoy, love you x

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| MASTERLIST IN BIO |

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After meeting your one of your favourite celebrities and your extravagant weekend away, your life quickly turned back to normal. You spent Monday in bed chilling out, managing to binge a new Netflix series and devour and a mountain of crisps and chocolate as you hibernated. You’d sent the ballet pictures off to your employer and they had thanked you and paid you generously which you were thrilled by.

On Tuesday morning, your best friend came around and let herself into your room waking you up at 10am. Something which you made you, again, regret ever giving her a key. Her excuse for waking you up was that she needed her dose of gossip that you promised her after she told you about Matty’s picture on Sunday night.

She made you tell her everything about the train journey home and you spared no detail. The more you thought about it the giddier you got because it was Matty fucking Healy after all, and you’d spent nearly 5 hours with the man.

You showed her all the pictures that he’d taken of the two of you and you couldn’t help but reminisce about your time with him. Apart from all the innuendos, he was a perfect gentleman and you and your bestie were giggling like school girls again over him. 

You absolutely adored the photos of you both. Your favourite was the one with his arm around you and he was kissing your temple.

Unfortunately, you couldn't stay all day with her and fangirl. You had to get up and go to work.

Reality was summoning you and you weren't impressed. You liked your bed too much to want to leave it. 

You walked into the dark bar wearing your black converse, leather leggings and a checked, red and black shirt. The bar was thankfully very lenient with its staff members and there wasn’t a strict uniform policy.

Choosing to reflect your mood, you wore dark eyeshadow with black lipstick and silently prayed no one would bother you on your first shift back. Some of your customers could be a little too forward with you sometimes because of the way you dressed.

Some of the things they described you as made you laugh sometimes because of how stupid they were. Apparently your ‘edgy’ look was hot and made you extremely fuckable.

Thankfully, you could handle them as your ‘edgy’ appearance matched your passive aggressive personality. You didn’t take shit from anyone. 

That was another thing you liked about working in the bar, your manager told you that if someone was rude to you, you could tell them to fuck off. The only other pro to working there was that the creeps that you served often tipped well.

You were doing a 6-12 shift and the evening started off alright but at 10 you could feel a someone’s eyes fixated on you. Looking down the bar you see a guy staring at you. He looked slightly older than you and he was sitting alone at the corner of the bar.

You went over to him when he asked for another pint, you politely served him as he wasn’t drunk enough for you to kick him out. As the night progressed you learnt that his name was Ryan and he was sitting alone in here because all of his mates were out with their ‘significant others’ as he called them.

It was clear that he was looking for someone to join him back at his place. It was quite sad yet funny watching as he’d start conversations with a few of the women in the bar.

You and your colleague were just watching, trying your best to retain your giggles. The women he chatted up entertained him for a few minutes before returning to their previous conversations.

However, due to the guys bad luck with the ladies, you were the only female left in the bar that he hadn't tried anything with yet. But something told you wouldn't make it out unscathed. 

You watched as Ryan returned to the corner of the bar and started wallowing in self-pity, whilst nursing his third pint. You just pay him no attention whilst you start drying the freshly washed glasses, polishing she glass was more interesting than the boring man at the end of the bar.

Your work friend Alec, who also happened to be your manager, informed you that Ryan was once again staring at you. You roll your eyes at this, you really couldn't be arsed with horny men looking at you in hopes for a good time.

Alec knew this, so he pleaded with you to stay away from him and leave him to serve the guy. However, you didn’t like to let them beat you, or you would be cowering in the back most of the time.

Alex was like your brother and you loved him with all your heart, but he was very protective over you. You didn’t plan to leave your side of the bar so you insisted you’d be fine. 

When you eventually went back over to Ryan, you made a little effort to chat to the poor man. In truth, it was just because you felt sorry for the man who had messy blonde hair and big bags under his eyes. 

If you were completely honest, you’d say he looked like a hopeless cause, as if he’d lost his ambition in life.

“Are you okay over here?” You say to him politely wiping the bar down near where he drank.

“Good as I can be” He tells you in a deep voice and he coughed to clear his throat. 

You looked into his blue eyes and he downed the rest of his lager, as if to impress you. You kept a blank face as you went over to get his empty glass.

As you picked it up off the side, Ryan’s hand enclosed around your own causing you to look at him with wide eyes.

“Don’t suppose you wanna grab a drink after you finish?” He asks you with hopeful eyes and you had to bite your tongue not to say something nasty to him. 

You pull your hand from underneath his, along with the glass and say in the plainest way possible, “Sorry Hun, I’ve got a boyfriend.”

“Of course, you do…” You hear him mumble to himself and you have to try and contain a smirk that threatened to take over your features.

“What’s he look like?” Ryan asks curiously, almost as if he wanted to test you. 

“Brown hair, brown eyes” You say instinctively, as you poured the man another pint. 

You just automatically went for your ex’s features. You couldn't really deny that you had a particular type that you typically went for. 

And unfortunately for big boy Ryan, he did not meet your criteria. 

“Is it that guy over there?” Ryan asks gesturing towards Alec and before you could stop yourself you let out a small laugh. 

“God no” You tell him but a second later you bite your tongue.

That lie would have been much easier to keep up. Alec was a good-looking guy with brown curly hair and had the pretty boy brown eyes to complete him.

“Who is he then?” Ryan asks and you shot him a look. 

‘Was this guy real?’ You thought to yourself.

“Do you wanna see a picture or something?” You ask sarcastically, not actually believing he asked. 

Ryan then smirks at you as he takes another mouthful of his drink. After he swallows, he unfortunately opens his mouth again and calls your bluff, “Yeah, I do” 

You look at him blankly for a second, really not believing he had the cheek to question you on it. 

“Well come on then… I’m sure he’s your lock screen or something” Ryan continues, and you had to bite your tongue. 

You hated people trying to get into your business, especially strangers. If you didn’t want to go out someone, you didn’t feel the need to explain.

The fact that you worked in a bar made it difficult because you got the same question almost all the time. If working here for 3 years has taught you anything, it would be that lying just made it easier. 

Saying you had a boyfriend usually left you to get on with the rest of your day without being disturbed. Until the next dickhead came along.

“Home screen actually” You scoff. “Just let me get my phone from the back” You say before you storm off into the back, fighting the urge to throw a punch his way. 

Alec followed you in the back sensing your mood and made you explain what’d happened. You were so angry you couldn’t even look at him, you were just scrolling through your phone as you told him.

“Fucking twenty questions out there won’t take no for a fucking answer, so I said what I usually do, and now he wants proof” You rant.

“You could have just said it was me” Alec says with a little laugh, not minding. 

However, you snap at him, “I know alright. But I need solutions, not you highlighting what I did wrong”

Once you realise your tone, you look up at him with apologetic eyes. Alec was one of the most important people in your life and you didn’t want or mean to be angry at him.

As soon as you looked into his brown eyes, you felt all of your stored anger dissipate and you gave him a hug.

“Sorry” You say. 

It wasn’t Alec’s fault and his comforting arms around you made you feel a whole lot better. 

When he pats your back, Alex releases you and smiles down at you, “It’s okay... Do you need help taking the picture?”

“It’s alright thanks, I’ve got pictures I can use” You say as you scroll through your camera roll. 

You are so relieved when you find the ones of you and Matty in your phone and quickly set your favourite as your home screen. You don’t think you’d ever get tired of looking him kissing your forehead so sweetly. 

When you walk back outside towards Ryan, you are much calmer than you were a few minutes ago. 

“There you go” You show him, and Ryan goes to take your phone off you to have a better look.

However, you pull your phone back so it’s out of his reach and you say, “You can look with your eyes” 

Ryan studies the photo for a second and you watch as his face falls realising the picture is real. He swallows the last of his drink before putting it down on the counter with a thud.

“Yeah whatever… See you on Friday beautiful” Ryan says slipping on his jacket and begins to walk out of the bar. 

As you put your phone away, you raise your middle finger as he leaves without noticing. Unfortunately, he didn’t see you do it.

You were eternally grateful that you had been given Friday off this week so you wouldn’t have to see that piece of shit again. You heard Alec laugh as he watched you flip the guy off and then he comes over to you wrapping an arm around your shoulder. 

“What a fucking weirdo. Who tries to pull a girl on a Tuesday night” Alec says and you burst out laughing.

You were so thankful to have a boss like Alec. You’d known him for years and he had supported your photography every step of the way. 

He always gave you time off when you needed it to pursue your dream career and he’s never been anything but supportive towards your ambitions in life. You certainly were lucky to have him.

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The week flew by and it was Friday morning before you knew it. You’d gotten up early to shower before you went hunting for some scenery to photograph. However, before you made it out of your flat, you got a notification on your photography email saying: Urgent.

You furrowed your eyebrows at the sight of the notification and read the email quickly.

Dear Miss Y/L/N

We here at Dirty Hit have been recently made aware of your skills and upon review, we have been impressed by your work. Mr Healy has highly recommended you for a job and I would like you to invite you to an informal interview later this afternoon to discuss this further. 

This would be a full time Personal Photographer for a Dirty Hit band. If you are interested, please give me a call as soon as possible on the number below and we can discuss the following details further.

All the best,

Jamie Oborne

You had to re-read the email a few times before what was being offered to you had sunk in. Jamie Oborne was offering you your dream job for a ridiculously good amount of money and you didn’t even have to do anything. 

As soon as your brain flicked back into gear, you called the phone number attached to the email. As the phone rang you held your breath not wanting this to be some kind of practical joke. 

Just as you were about to hang up, a voice on the other end of the line said, “Hello Jamie speaking”.

“Hello Mr Oborne? This is Y/N Y/L/N. I  just received your email regarding a job offer and wanted to find out some more information about the interview you suggested.” You ramble nervously and trying to keep your voice as calm as possible.

You hear shuffling on the other end of the phone and then some voices growing louder until Jamie says, “Excuse me a moment, let me just find a quieter room.” 

You stay silent waiting for him to speak again. You hear a door shut and then Jamie’s voice greets you again.

“Miss Y/L/N, yes, I’m really impressed with your work that I’ve been shown on your social media and wondered if you could meet me to discuss the job offer in further detail at… Say 3pm later on today?”

You look towards the clock in your room and you see that the time is 11:30am. 

“Yes of course, that’s fine with me” You tell him, and Jamie sounds relieved.

“Brilliant, no need to get dressed up for the occasion just bring yourself and we can discuss things further from there” He tells you.

As soon as you finish on the phone with Jamie, you called your best friend. 

“Y/N this better be fucking good, I’ve had point two seconds of sleep” She says, and you screech what just happened to you down the phone.

At one point during your conversation, you’re both just screaming at each other and you feel overwhelmed. You read her the email and she gasped when you told her how much money they were offering you and you still couldn’t believe it.

“You’re going to be The 1975’s fucking photographer, what the actual fuck Y/N/N!” She screams and you try not to smile.  

“It could be one of the smaller bands we don’t know it’s them for sure” You tell her, and she calls bullshit.

“The email said, ‘Mr Healy has recommended you’, from the way he acted with you on the train it’s definitely not going to be for another band you fucking idiot… You’re the 1975’s new photographer.” She tells you and you feel like you’re buzzing with energy. 

You can’t quite believe it.

When you next look at the clock it’s 12:30 and your friend tells you that she will be round at your flat waiting for you after she’s finished getting her stuff together. She says you will be having a 1975 fun filled evening and you don’t ask what she means by that.

You rush off the phone and start getting your shit together. You couldn’t go to a job interview in the baggy clothes you were wearing, no matter how informal Jamie stressed it would be.

You end up wearing black lace up heels with maroon jeans and a black belt. You decide to go for a black top that said ‘Believe’ in small white letters. You tucked it into your jeans to give your figure more definition and you felt really pretty.

You wore natural eye makeup with winged eyeliner and completed your look with a lipstick that matched your jeans. You had never felt so coordinated in your life, and to make everything better, you’d even had the time to straighten your hair.  

You pick up your leather jacket off the back of your chair in your room and slipped it on. You hadn’t touched it since retrieving your charger from in on Sunday and you smile when you feel Matty’s sunglasses in the pocket. 

You left them on your desk to make sure they didn’t get damaged.

You left your flat at 2:30 and you started walking towards the quiet coffee shop that you had agreed to meet in. When you eventually got there, you were 10 minutes early from speed walking because of your nerves. 

You held your phone tightly in your hand as you sipped on your coffee, waiting for him to abruptly cancel, telling you he’d make a mistake and found someone better. You weren't quite sure you hadn't imagined everything so far. 

When the bell to the coffee shop jingled you turned around to face the door and you were greeted with a friendly smile. Jamie wore a plain white top with blue jeans, when his eyes met yours his face lit up, as if relief had flooded his system.

“Y/N I presume” Jamie says walking towards you offering his hand to you. 

You stood up and shook his hand saying, “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr Oborne” You offers him a bright smile which he returned.

“Just Jamie is fine…Can I get you something to drink?” He asks and you politely told him that you’d already got yourself one.

“I’m sorry I would have gotten you one as well, but I didn’t know what you liked” You tell him, and he shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, take a seat and I’ll be with you in just a second” Jamie said as he made his way over to the counter. 

You did as you were told and returned to your seat whilst quickly put your phone away into your jacket pocket.You looked around the shop and tried to take your mind off your elevated heartbeat.

‘Come on Y/N’ You thought, ‘Just get through this and then you’ve made it.’

By the time Jamie has come back over to you with his coffee, you’ve somehow made yourself more nervous and you could hear your heartbeat in your ears. But his friendly smile did ease that a little. 

You took a deep breath and Jamie says, “So, it’s lovely to meet you Y/N for a start” 

You smile, “You too”

Jamie clears his throat after taking a sip of his coffee and says, “So in short, I’m offering you the job of being The 1975’s permanent photographer” He tells you and you have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from letting out a squeal.

“Matty has been messaging me all week about getting in contact with you and when he showed me your Instagram earlier, I was really impressed… I think you have the eye for it and from what Matty was telling me you really know your stuff” He continues and your shocked about Matty being so forward about you.

“He and the band are completely on board with you joining them for their American tour and I think you are a brilliant choice. I’m willing to give you the job if you are interested” Jamie tells you with a smile.

You can feel the shock on your features but quickly ramble, “I’m really, definitely interested… I just have a few questions” and Jamie nods for you to continue. 

You ask him your burning questions and he tells you everything you need to know.

You will be with them most of the time as the position is full time. You’ll be at their Manchester studio, when they aren’t on tour, and continue to take pictures of them. You can edit whilst you are with them as there is apparently plenty of free space.

You didn’t really have to take pictures of them whilst at the studio, it was just in case the opportunity arose, and you didn’t have designated hours to be there. You would be given full credit for all the images you took of the band but Dirty Hit would technically own them. However, you could use them on your own social media pages along with any other images you took.

Whilst on tour you have to get at least 25 images of them per show and to be fully edited and sent to Jamie before the next one so they can be posted on their social media. Not all of them would be used, but Jamie was after a varied range of choice. 

On tour you would be on the bus travelling with them so you were told that you would become very acquainted with them but not too worry because they were all lovely people. There weren’t any rules other than getting the images to Jamie before the next gig, and you needed changing your photography account to a normal one instead of a personal business. 

Jamie said he didn’t want anyone else to snatch your talents away from him and you were shocked by his genuine kindness. Once you’d gone over and agreed on your payment, which was mind blowing, everything seemed to be completely sorted and clarified.

“Brilliant, I’ll have the contract printed later on and you’re welcome to start on Monday” Jamie smiles, shaking your hand to confirm you were his employee.

“Thank you so much” You tell him, genuinely over the moon to be given such an amazing job.

“No, thank you… Just make my boys look good” He laughs, and you tell him that you certainly will do.

“Let me give Matty a call, he’s been waiting for this all day” He says, and you laugh as he taps on his phone and then brings it to his ear.

You obviously hear Jamie’s side of the phone call and you could feel the excitement bubbling though your system. You wanted to cry. You’d gotten your dream job, and best of all it was with your favourite musicians.

As Jamie ended the phone call, he looked towards you and smiles. “Looks like he’s eager to get the other lads to meet you, he wants me to bring you back to the studio, if you’re okay with that?” He says and you nod, smiling at him.

“Yeah, of course I am” You tell him, and you finish the last of your drinks whilst you wait for the taxi Jamie called for you both.

You tell Jamie about yourself as you wait and when in the taxi, he asks you how well you know the band and you delve into your history of The 1975. He seems pleased that you have been a fan for so many years and he tells you about his experiences with them.

When the car comes to a stop, you get out and follow Jamie inside. You realise that it’s relatively close to the bar where you currently work and mentally note that you need to speak to Alec as soon as possible. 

You needed to quit because the money that you were going to get off Dirty Hit per month was almost 3 months wages that you’re currently on at the bar. That and you didn’t want to be editing all day and then working in a bar at night. 

When Jamie gets to the reception, he tells the receptionist that he’s going to need another key card for you to use to allow yourself in and out when you please. The receptionist quickly takes your pictures and tells you that she will have it sent up within the next half hour.

Jamie seems pleased with the interaction and you both step into the lift. He presses the button for the 8th floor and he keeps light conversation with you, never letting things get awkward which makes you feel at ease in the new surroundings.

As the lift doors bing open, you walk to end of the corridor and Jamie swipes his pass through the handle on the final door. Once the light changes from red to green he pushes the door open and you’re greeted with a rush of warm air. You hear music playing from somewhere and look around.

The studio was huge, the band basically had a whole floor to themselves. You saw a recording booth at the far end of the room, which you could see held a drum kit, sofas, and a bunch of instruments and microphones. That was separated by a wall with a huge glass window in between and on your side of the wall was the huge mixing desk with 4 different monitors at either end of it.

You could see George sat with his back to you watching the screens whilst Ross and Adam were in the recording booth. From what you could tell it looked like they were setting up something.

Just in front of you were three sofas that congregated around a coffee table and a huge TV on the back wall. There were instruments littered all over the place and you noticed other doors that you would be sure to explore later on.

“She’s here boys” Jamie said when the music went quiet and you smiled as George, Ross, and Adam came over to meet you.

You offer them all a big smile and a hand shake, which they returned, and you then tell them how nice it is to meet them. George has his hair down and was dressed in blue denim jeans with a white top. 

Ross was wearing a black jumper with blue jeans and his hair and beard looked pristine. Adam’s blonde hair looked freshly cut and dyed and he was wearing black jeans with a plain white top.

You slip into easy conversation with them all and you were thankful nothing felt forced or awkward. You don’t know how or why, but it felt natural and easy being stood in front of your favourite band.

“Where’s Matty got to?” Jamie asks. 

George nods towards the doors just behind him saying, “He had a headache so he went for a lie down”

“I’ll go get him” Jamie says with a smile and he heads into the rooms. 

Ross picks up conversation with you and you can’t help the smile on your face as you chat to the three men you’ve seen on stage so many times. You tried your best to answer their questions until Jamie came back out with Matty by his side. 

The brunette with the mad curls was rubbing his eyes when he walked out of the other room and you couldn't help but take note of his appearance. 

He’s wearing black jeans with holes at the knees like the last time you’d seen him and a black hoodie with black converse on. His messy curls had fallen onto his face and he quickly ran a hand through it messing it up further.

When Matty’s eye’s connected with your Y/E/C ones, to you it felt like you went numb. Maybe because it felt like he was staring into your soul, but more than likely it was because you felt overwhelmed with gratitude towards him. 

Immediately, a smile made it’s way onto his face and you couldn't keep your grin at bay now. 

However, it immediately drops off your face when Matty smirks, “You brought my fuck buddy back”

You look from Matty, quickly around to the band who didn’t even seem phased by his comment, and then to Jamie. 

You shake your head and tell them seriously, “Definitely not” 

They all just grin at you though. You can tell they must be really used to comments like that as they all didn’t seem to believe him.

When Matty walks towards you, he wraps his arms around your waist. You go to return his hug by wrapping your arms around his neck but then he suddenly picks you up off the ground spinning you.

You let out a little screech and tighten your arms around him, so you don’t fall.

“Put me down now, you fucker” You giggle, and he just laughs down your ear whilst he does what he’s told.

When you’re deposited back on the ground, George comes over and wraps an arm around your shoulders, moving you away from Matty. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll protect you from the psycho over there” He says looking down at you and you smile at him.

God, he was really tall. 

“Thank god for that” You say. 

Jamie tells them how big of a fan you are, and you tell them about the first time you remember hearing Chocolate and how you loved it straight away. You don’t notice the band giving each other knowing looks and you don’t see Matty silently laugh to himself.

After about 10 minutes, your pass to enter the building is delivered up to the door and Jamie collects it for you. After he gives it to you, you clip it on your belt loop along with your flat keys, and then Jamie shakes your hand again and apologises because he has to leave.

“You have my number in case you have any more questions, but I’ll leave you in the very capable hands of the boys. It was a pleasure to meet you Y/N” Jamie says, and you say your goodbyes to him at the door.

Once he’s gone and the door is closed, you turn to Matty who’s grinning at you. You grin back and half run towards him before you stretch your arms out to embrace him.

You hug him tightly, probably for a second too long, and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much” into his ear. You feel Matty’s arms tighten around you as you go on, but you genuinely don’t know how to handle yourself at this moment in time.

When you eventually pull away from him, Matty looks into your eyes and he’s about to say something when Ross interrupts you.

“Hey Y/N…” Ross says, and you smile and turn towards him stepping closer to the other boys. “So, we heard what you and your friend got up to once upon a time” Ross grins at you and your face visibly drops. 

You turn towards Matty and send him an evil glare, then you put your hands over your eyes. Embarrassment wasn't even the word.

“Oh my god” You sigh. When you peak at them again you look between the three in front of you and say, “I was like Fifteen okay, I can’t be held responsible for that. My friend is much worse than me I swear… She still has a poster of you up in her room”

“Ooo, makes me wonder what shit you have of us up in your bedroom” Matty says raising his eyebrows suggestively at you. 

You just shake your head and flip two fingers in his direction. The other lads laugh at that before you all take a seat on the settees. 

Adam and Ross sit next to each other and George and Matty take a sofa each. You see Matty pat the seat next to him insisting you join him, but you smirk at him as you take a seat next to George. Matty sends you a death glare and the other guys laugh.

“I fucking love her already” George chuckles and you look at him with bright eyes.

“Awh yes, best buddy George” You say and raise your hand for a high five which he quickly returns.

Childish of you to do, but George likes it. They all certainly needed someone around here to keep them all alive.

You slip into easy conversation with them all and they seem genuinely happy to answer any questions you had. After an hour, you decided it was probably best to let them get back to whatever they were doing before you disturbed them.

“I better leave you guys to it” You say, standing up.

You head to the window to at the beautiful sunset that’s illuminating Manchester in different shades of orange and yellow. It really was stunning, you were glad you lived in such a beautiful city.

“Nah, come and sit down” Matty says sternly, evidently not wanting you to leave. 

“Yeah, tell us about yourself” Ross says, and Adam nods his head.

“Please” George says pats the seat next to him.

“Only if I can see if your hair is as soft as it looks?” You laugh and walk back towards him.

George laughs at that, but he gestures towards his hair and says, “Go for it” 

You laugh and run your fingers through it. It really was quite soft.

“Oh my god, it’s so much better than Matty’s” You say and Matty looks at you, completely offended.

“You’re a fucking liar” Matty states and you laugh take your seat beside George again.

“I’m better in every way” George says nonchalantly in his low voice, and everyone except Matty starts laughing.

When the laughter subsides, Adam says, “So come on Y/N, tell us more about you”

“Erm…” You think for a second. “There’s not much to me really other than photography and music if I’m honest” You say, shrugging your shoulders.

“And a hair fetish apparently” Matty adds and the boys laugh. 

You just shrug your shoulders because who doesn’t like messing with someone’s hair. You were certain Matty did. 

“Play any instruments?” George asks and you shake your head disappointed with yourself. 

You also feel slightly conscious that they are all talented and you just work with a camera that anyone could use. It was quite a daunting prospect when you thought about it like that, so you cast your mind away from it. 

“Not unless you count the recorder in Year 2” You joke, before telling them honestly, “I do want to learn how to play guitar at some point though” 

“Oh, she’s a drunk as well” Matty states suddenly and you groan.

“Right…” You say looking between the other boys, feeling the need to explain. “I told him about my Uni days, and he thinks I’m a pisshead… To clarify I only do that now on proper nights out, not every other night anymore”

“Shall we go out tonight?” Ross asks enthusiastically and looks around at you all. 

All of them are now nodding looking very enthusiastic about their new plan. You just watch them like a game of tennis, seeing how all of them reacted to the question.

“Only if we can go to that bar that I’ve been wanting to go in for ages” Adam says, and they all agree either verbally or by nodding their head.

“You up for it Y/N?” Adam asks looking at you hopefully and you shrug your shoulders and nod.

“I’ve not got anything better to do” You smile at him and his face is now beaming. 

He was just as precious as you’d imagined.

“Let’s drink the beers that we have here and then go down then, yeah?” George asks getting up and you all mumble in agreement. 

George goes into one of the rooms that you assume has a kitchen in because he returns with 5 cans of Budweiser that are chilled. You need to prepare yourself to be in the mood for lager, it definitely wasn't your favourite.

You thank him when he gives you yours and you crack it open. You take a sip as it begins to fizz up and release a sigh of relief as the cool liquid travels down your throat.

“I formally apologise now for anything I do tonight… This is your warning, if you insist on getting me completely wankered. Please don’t have me sacked because of my drunken antics” You tell them, and they all laugh drinking their own drinks.

The conversation between you all feels easy and not forced which you’re happy about. They include you in what their talking about and make you feel like a part of their group which you thought was really kind of them, considering you’d just met.

Before you knew it your first can was gone and you get up with George to get the another for each of you. You look towards the doors as you get up and the drummer seems to notice this. 

“Oh yeah, should probably show you around” He says before leading you to the other closed off rooms.

One led to a decent sized kitchen, another led to an office, and the other contained a single bed that led to the bathroom. George told you that they had put a bed in there so if anyone needed a break they could just go and sleep if they wanted to.

Once you got the beers, you accidentally dropped one that was under your arm and George looked at you as he closed fridge. 

“That one can be Matty’s” You smirk, picking it up and he nodded his head in agreement.

“Again, I fucking love you” George says and you laughed as you left the room with 3 of the cans in your hands.

“I know, I’m brilliant” You joke as you head back out. 

You hand Adam and Ross their new cans and put Matty’s on the table because he’s not finished his other one yet. 

You take your seat next to George and crack your new can open when he gives it you and take a drink as if nothing is about to happen. George has taken his phone out and you can see him pretending to type, when in reality he’s got his camera ready to video Matty.

You start chatting to Matty, about nothing in particular, to distract him from the obviously dinted can. George has somehow got Ross and Adam in on it because they also keep Matty talking. 

Every time he looks anywhere near the can, they made him look at something else. They seemed to grab his attention easily which was always good when trying to distract someone. 

You hold your breath when he picks up the can whilst he’s answering Adams question. Upon hearing it crack open though, Matty is met with a spray of lager that goes all over his face and hoodie.  

You and the rest of the boys burst out laughing. You laugh so much that you have tears threatening to spill down your face. The other boys are making it funnier though, because they are cackling loudly. 

You’d never been so thankful you’d drop something in your life.

Matty looked displeased with life which just causes your laughter to increase. You watch as he places the can back down and he lifts the bottom of his tattoo to wipe his face dry. 

You discretely looked at his torso and spotted the ‘We Are Kings’ tattoo disappear beneath his jeans. You love that Drive Like I Do lyric, so it was really mesmerising to see up close.

However, you were brought back to reality when Matty threw his empty can at George, which clipped the back of his head. 

“Hey! It wasn’t me” George exclaims, as he stopped the recording. Matty looked from George to you and you let out a laugh. 

“Fuck you” He says as he begins to drink his other can.

When Matty eventually dries off, you all made your way downstairs and out of the building. You walked next to Adam, talking to him about playing the guitar.

You weren’t really paying attention to where you were headed because Adam had just promised you that he would teach you how to play the guitar whilst you were away with them and you couldn’t wait. You may as well learn from the best if he was offering you his services.

Before you knew it, you were outside the bar that Adam had been wanting to visit and it was coincidently where you work. It was getting quite busy which wasn’t unusual for 7pm on a Friday.

It was usually a lot busier at this time actually. So you all may actually get some seats. 

You didn’t say anything to the boys about you working there because you just wanted to enjoy your night with them. You didn't really want them to think any less of you because you worked in a bar and they were millionaires.

You all went over to the corner of the bar and took up the free stools that were there because all the tables were full. You smiled at some regulars that you saw around, but the bar was quite busy which lead for them to become distracted by others.

You took off your jacket and lay it on the back of your seat. You were sat in between Matty and Ross, whilst Adam and George sat on the other side, creating a sort of L shape. You waited for Alec or someone else who was on tonight to come over to serve you.

“What do you all want then?” You ask. “I’m feeling like a vodka now” You tell them.

All of them say that they fancy a whisky which makes you furrow your eyebrows. You turn to Matty and ask, “Has it started tasting nice now or something?”

Matty chuckles a little at that. His eyes are bright when he replies, “No, but sometimes it’s better when its drowned in coke”

“Could just choose something you like” You say and you point at a bottle of red, “The merlot is quite nice”

“Don’t want to be wine drunk around you just let Love” Matty smiles before George collars him with a different conversation. 

After a few minutes of no one coming over to serve you, you decide to ‘fuck it’ and get up and do it yourself. 

 You slide off your seat and walk round the other boys and lift up the side of the bar which was about a foot away from them. Once behind the bar, you look up at all of them and they are looking at you with shocked faces. 

You get four tumblers from under the bar and line them up in front of them and grab the Jack Daniels from behind you.

“Erm… I don’t think your allowed to be behind there” Adam says, and you look up and smile at him. 

“Don’t worry, I work here” You say as you pour a double into each of the glasses. “Coke?” You ask them, when you look up at them and you see the relief on all their faces.

You finish off their drinks and pour yourself a healthy one as they start sipping on their own. You then ask Matty to pass you your phone from your jacket, wanting to pay for your drinks with your Apple Pay. 

The curly haired brunette happily obliges and takes it out for you as you go over to the till to see how much the drinks are going to cost you.

Once Matty once again has ahold on your phone, he shows it to the other lads. They all watch him as he types in the passcode and they all snigger.

However, their chuckles stop when they see your home screen. Matty turns the device back towards him and he smiles at the memory of him taking the picture. 

He thought it was cute you had it as you home screen, but he was certainly going to bully you for it.

When you come back over with the card machine in your hand, Matty smirks as he turns your phone towards you, and you see the picture.

“Oh my god, that’s a story for you all” You say loudly over the noise of the bar. You tell them all about Ryan as you pay for the drinks with your Apple Pay and how he wouldn’t let it go until you had evidence of your ‘boyfriend’.

“Honestly I’m so glad you took them to prank her. He left after I showed him that” You tell them and Matty looked at you in disbelief.

“What a load of bullshit” Matty says smirking at you. 


“I swear down it happened, I have a witness” You say as you make eye contact with Alec and wave him over. 

You see he’s wearing a short sleeved black top with blue jeans which looked really good on him. You smile at him when he comes closer to you and he hugs you from behind. 

“What’s my favourite employee doing here on her day off” Alec asks before kissing your cheek. 

You lean into him, smiling at his affection as you focus on the receipt coming out of the card machine. Although, that meant that you didn’t see Matty’s face fall.

“I’m here to get pissed and to tell you some awesome news, but I need you to back me up here” You tell him and move out of his grip and stand to the side.

“You remember that guy earlier in the week who wouldn’t leave me alone?” You question him. 

Alec replies, “That Ryan guy?”

“Yeah… Tell them how much of a creep he was” You say gesturing to the guys in front of you as you put the receipt into the till and go back around the other side of the bar and take your seat. 

You tune in as Alec asks you, “Didn’t he say he’d be back tonight?”

“Oh shit, yeah” You say and turn towards Matty. “You better play along if he starts bothering me again” You tell him, and he puts his arm around back, holding onto your waist.

“Don’t worry, Love. I’ll sort him out” Matty says and you snigger at him, leaning into him slightly.

“What’s the news by the way?” Alec asks you.

“Oh yeah, you know that band I like?” You ask him.

He questions you curiously, “The 1987’s or whatever?”

“Yeah that one…” You giggle to yourself looking around the boys next to you who also seem to be chuckling except for Matty.

“Yeah, well I’m now their new photographer” You say and show him your ID pass.

“Oh my, Y/N this is the best fucking news ever… I’m so happy for you” Alec says leaning over the bar to kiss your cheek again. 

You feel Matty’s grip on your waist tighten for a second but pay no real attention to it. You introduce Alec to them all and Alec insists all the drinks they are getting tonight are on the house.

“Alec no, I’m treating them because they gave me a job” You tell him, and he gives you a stern look.

“Well yours are free so that makes theirs too if you’re getting them” He says then looks towards the band, “Just promise me you’ll take care of her for me” and they all nod and the evening continues on.

Matty’s is still holding onto your waist and it finds its way back there each time you get up to serve them all another drink.

By 9pm you were very drunk, and you were having a really nice night. The guys also seemed to be having a good time and you found yourself admiring how they were together. You could see the love and respect they had for each other and it made your heart warm.

Earlier in the night, they they had made you give them your phone so they could all put their numbers in so you could always be in contact with them. They passed it between each other as you chatted to them about anything that came to your drunken mind.

When Matty entered his number in and sent himself a text, which none of the others seemed to do. When he gave you your phone back though you gave him a dirty look because he had inputted his name as Daddy in your contacts. 

“You’re fucking disgusting” You giggle, which was a common occurrence when you were drunk, and he sticks his tongue back out at you.

As you’re back behind the bar pouring them their 7th double of the night you spot familiar blonde hair walking towards the bar and you freeze. You get all their attention quickly and tell them to play along whilst frantically saying, “That guys here”

They all look at you confused but then you look at Matty dead in the eyes and say, “Play. Along.”

You down the rest of your drink before pouring yourself a new one which was definitely more than a double. The boys laugh when they see you put a lot less coke in than vodka and you take a mouthful before the inevitable takes place.

“Hey Beautiful” Ryan shouts towards you as he sits down 2 foot away from Matty. 

You can tell that he’s already drunk. You roll your eyes at the George and Adam before looking over. 

“Richard, right?” You say, wanting him to piss off. 

You really didn’t want to deal with that bullshit right now. That and drunk you wasn't particularly fond of people like him

“Ryan” He shouts over the noisy room. “Get me a drink Darling” He says moving slightly closer to Matty.

“Sorry Richard, not on tonight… I’m here for pleasure not business” You say taking a long sip of your drink, but you nearly spit it out when you see Ross having to turn around because he’s laughing.

“Stop it” You whispered leaning across to them all, each one of them now chuckling. 

“I’m usually sober handling these idiots but you’ve all got me drunk and it’s worse because I’m a nicer person like this” You say slowly, making sure you get your words out.

“Come on Darlin’, it’s only a drink… Join me for one” He says, and you shake your head drinking some more of your drink.

“Again, sorry but I have a boyfriend” You say sternly looking at him then down to Matty and he winks back at you. 

You leave the bar and go to take your seat again. But before you could do so, Ryan started again.

“Come on, he’s not here… He won’t care if we have some fun” He says, and you stand still giving him a dirty look.

“I think he will” Matty says turning on his stool and pulling you towards him. 

You stand in-between his legs and his arms are wrapped around your lower back keeping you in place. Your gaze meets Matty’s and you see that his beautiful brown eyes were now a little bloodshot from the alcohol.

You smile into the embrace to keep the charade going. You put your hands on his chest and grasp at his hoodie whilst looking into his eyes and Matty can see the humour in yours. 

You bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing and look back over to Ryan.You see Alec pass him a drink and he downs half of it. His blonde hair is greasy, and he looks as if he’s homeless. 

“Don’t suppose you wanna share her man?” Ryan asks Matty and you have to look away from him. You make eye contact towards Adam, George, and Ross and all their eyes are wide.

You press your lips together shaking your head. They can see how angry you are getting, and your grasp tightens on Matty’s hoodie in an attempt to control yourself. 

Matty leans forwards and says, “Definitely not” and he then attaches his lips to your neck.

Your eyes go wide, and George starts laughing from the shock on your face. ‘Help me’ You mouth to them, but George laughs more, and Ross and Adam look away and taking mouthfuls of their drinks. 

You pull back slightly from Matty but all he does is move to the other side of your neck so now you can’t even get help from the others. Matty’s arms tighten around your waist so your pressed against him completely. 

You feel Matty’s curls tickle your jaw and you start to softly giggle trying to make it more believable but you can’t deny how your body starts reacting to Matty’s actions. Once he’s finished marking the base of your neck he litters kisses up until he’s at your ear and then whispers in a husky voice, “Let’s make this good.”

You giggle as you glance towards Ryan who is now just angrily watching the interaction and Matty just goes for it. He looks between your eyes and lips, then without hesitation, he attaches his lips to yours. You immediately go to pull away from him but his arms that were around your waist are now around your neck, keeping you in place.

You realise you’re not going to get out of this one, so you just let it happen, not that you really minded. Matty’s is gentle at first but then the kiss quickly becomes aggressive and your drunken mind didn’t seem to care at all. One of his arms travels down your body and it slowly came to rest on your arse.

This makes you giggle and Matty used it to his advantage. His tongue had found its way inside your mouth and you smirk into the kiss a little. He really was putting on a show.

Matty tasted like cigarettes and whisky, a combination that seemed to suit him perfectly. He was addicting and enticing, and your drunken self wasn’t getting enough causing you to pull him closer.

You could hear your heart beating rapidly in your ears, but it was quickly replaced by the sound of a smashing glass. You opened your eyes to see that Ryan had just thrown his drink over the bar in a fit of rage and you pull yourself away from Matty. 

The room had gone completely silent and all that could be heard was the background music and now whispers of people around asking what had happened.

“Get the fuck out of my bar right now, you fucking psycho!” You say sternly to Ryan. 

You even make a move to go towards him and scream in his face but Matty, who’s now stood up, holds you back. You can hear Alec also shouting for him to get out.

“Whatever” Ryan says as he stands up from his stool. His blue eyes lock with Matty’s brown ones and he says, “Have fun with your whore”

You lose it. Matty feels you lunge towards Ryan as you start screaming “I’m not a fucking whore just because no one wants to fuck you. Just because I have fucking standards and you look like a fu…”

You would continue your sentence but Matty’s hand has gone over your mouth silencing you. Ross also had his hand around your waist now, keeping you in place, not letting you get any closer to him.

Matty moves around you, leaving Ross and now George and Adam by your side to calm you down. You can hear other people around the bar shouting at Ryan to get out, but you focus your eyes on Matty.

You see him twist the rings on his fingers as he walks over and the next think you hear is a loud thud as Matty’s fist connects to Ryan’s face. As Ryan hits the ground, the room starts applauding and you see other grown men picking Ryan up off the floor and throw him outside. You watch as he stumbles down the street as you are bombarded with questions asking if you’re alright.

Your once dizzy mind is now balanced as you feel completely sober. The adrenaline pumping through your system had started to disperse and the lads were fretting around you. 

All you can do though is look at Matty’s hand worriedly when he comes back over. It’d already began to bruise, and you can’t help but ask, “Are you okay?” in a worried tone.

“I’m fine” He says and pulls you into a hug. 

You hug him back and feel yourself calm down a little. When you pull away you look towards the others and apologise.

“I’m so sorry, this is all my fault.” You start and they all start saying things like ‘No it wasn’t’ or ‘It’s not your fault that he was a wanker’ but you just continue to apologise.

“Alright, enough apologising” Matty tells you and then looks towards Alec saying, “Can we please get some JägerBombs over here?” Alec does as he’s asked and within the next minute you each have two Jägers in front of you.

“Come on Y/N” George says. “Can’t let that arsehole ruin our night” He says as you all pick up the first one. 

You feel at ease again as the alcohol flows down your throat again and when you immediately pick up the other one and down that before the other boys, they all let out a cheer.

As the night continues you end up all laughing like you had been doing before the disturbance. Matty’s arm was around your back grasping onto your waist and you had thankfully not left any lipstick on his face. 

Yours somehow had stayed on all night and still looked presentable, which was a miracle. At 10:30 your phone started ringing and it was your best friend.

You immediately answered and she was asking where you were. She had been in your flat for a few hours and your flat mate Chris was beginning to get annoyed, even though she was just in your room.

“I’m so sorry I totally forgot, I’ll come now” You half giggle down the phone and hang up.

“You have to go?” George questions and you nod at him with sad eyes as you slip your jacket on.

“Where do you have to go? We’ll walk you back” Adam asked, and the others nodded in agreement.

“Just home, but you don’t have to it’s only ten minutes away” You say before downing the rest of your drink. 

However, the boys have already started putting their jackets on. You should have known they’d be gentlemen about it. 

As you start to walk home, you link arms with George and you chat to them about random things about their concerts that you remember. They chuckle at your stories and they tell you about some fun ones from backstage. 

When you eventually get to your block of flats, you decide invite them up. 

“I have a bottle of vodka that needs to be drank, if you’re interested?” You offer them, and Ross runs towards the door before anyone has even agreed to anything.

When you start to unlock your door, you pre-warn them about you friend. “By the way, my best friend is here and she’s a bit obsessed with you so… I’ll warn her but if she goes a bit mental, I apologise”

They follow you in and you tell them to take a seat on your sofas. You walk to your bedroom and open the door and stop dead before you even enter. 

“Are you fucking joking?” You ask as you see your best friend lay on your bed.

She smirks at you and you look around your room in shock. She had lived up to her plan of a 1975 themed night by hanging all of your tops that you had of theirs around your room. 

She had candles lit around the room and she had your Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships vinyl playing in the background. She’d even made a sign that read ‘Poison Me Daddy’ and there was also masks of their faces were pinned onto your walls.

“Congratulations” She grins sitting up and running over to give you a hug. You hug her back, but you were still in complete shock. 

“I didn’t say you could build a fucking shrine to them in my room!” You say and she just laughs at you.

“I have something to tell you” You say as you pull away and she looks at you excitedly.

“Right, you can’t freak out okay… You have to promise me” You tell her and she pinkie swears to you that she won’t.

“Okay, well after the interview Matty and the boys made me go out for drinks with them which is why I’m so late” You say, and she begins to get excited, but you hold your finger up to pause her, “And they may or may not be in the lounge right now”

She lets out a scream and you shush her immediately.

“Don’t fucking embarrass me out there” You tell her sternly but then the door starts to open.

You hear Matty’s voice behind you asking, “Y/N, where’s the vod…” followed by a loud laugh. 

Your friend stands wide eyed with her hand over her mouth and you give her death stare. 

“Lads come here, her room is a fucking shrine to us” Matty says loudly and you turn around and start packing all of the shit away your friend had laid out.

“Matty Healy’s in your bedroom” Your friend says, and you flip her your middle finger as you snatch down the different tops that are hung up on the walls.

Matty walks further into the room and sits on your bed laughing and when the other boys look through your door. You stand there with your shirts on and begin blowing out the candles. 

“This evidently wasn’t my doing” You tell them as you shove the tops back into your wardrobe.

They all laugh and Matty says, “Whatever, fucking knew you loved us this much” as he lies back on your bed staring at the ceiling.

“No, she loves you that much” You say pointing over to your best friend who is stood next to your turntable which is currently playing ‘I always wanna die sometimes’. 

How correct it was at this moment in time for you.

She waves towards them and introduces herself and they all say hello back. You can’t hack them all being in your bedroom though, so you need to break them up before you get overwhelmed.

“Y/B/F, will you go and get my vodka and sort their drinks out please, whilst I clean this shit up?” You ask not being able to hold back your smile and she laughs telling them to follow her.

The boys at the door allow her through and follow after her but Matty stays on your bed. You ignore him and put your vinyl back into its sleeve and slip it back into its original place before you start blowing out more candles. 

As the room goes dark, you say to Matty, “Come on, out”

You hear him groan and a ruffle. Once your eyes have adjusted to the darkness you see him there, still lying down on your bed. 

“Fine I’ll leave you here” You say walking out of your room and closing the door behind you. 

The only thing you could say was that you were extremely thankful that you had tidied your room the day before.

After a few minutes, Matty joins you all in the lounge and you had all started drinking again and subsequently started making a lot of noise. Your giggles echo through the room and after an hour your roommate shouts through his door, “Can you two keep the gang bang in there a bit quieter, some of us have to be up at Seven!”

You rolled your eyes at Chris’ outburst which the band saw and tried to retain a laugh. 

“We’ll try Chris but just to warn you were fucking up against your wall in a minute so it could get a bit louder” You shout back, and everyone bursts out laughing like teenagers getting drunk for the first time.

Eventually when they settle back down, they finish off their drinks and then realise the vodka bottle is now finished. They decide it’s time for them to head home. 

Your friend has managed to drink herself to sleep despite her favourite people in the world being here with her. You’re a good hostess though and you stand up as they put their coats on and walk to the door.

You embrace Adam in a hug and kiss him on the cheek, and before he walks out of the door you make him promise you again that he’ll teach you how to play the guitar. You hug Ross and kiss his cheek too and when George walks over you look up at him. He wraps his arms around you and picks you up spinning you both around and you giggle loudly.

When he places you on the ground, he says, “Can’t wait to spend every day annoying you” and you laugh.

“Don’t worry Georgie, I’m sure it’ll be the other way round” You laugh and then turn your attention towards Matty.

He’s stood rubbing his now purple knuckles and you take his hand gently. “I’m sorry” You tell him sincerely, giving him a sad smile.

As he pulls you into a hug Matty says in your ear, “Don’t worry it’s fine, stuck my tongue down your throat so it’s worth it” 

He laughs as you release him from the hug and his laugh gets louder when you playfully shove him out of the door.

“Thanks for an awesome night guys, can’t wait to work with you” You smile as they make their way down the corridor towards the lift.

“See you Monday bright and early” Matty shouts back and blows a kiss your way. 

You shake your head and wave before going back into your flat and closing the door behind you. You put a blanket over your best friend before you make your way into your room. 

You strip off and put your baggy top on and get in bed and let out a small laugh at everything that had happened today.

When you woke up this morning you never imagined so much could change in one day. 

It was crazy. After that though, your eyes grew heavy and you let sleep take over you, the smile never disappeared from your face.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taglist: @the-girl-before @14-bees @fairyyyfloss @murderousginger @siwiecola @grungegunnulfsen @colette2194 @hottie-chocolatie @darling-i-read-it @givetaylorandbrendonacookie @stalecupcxkes @maroonmolly 

Let me know if you want to be added x

[hunter934]

RISA WATANABE - 20± SWEET INTERVIEW

The gap between her 20-year-old self she once imagined of and her 20-year-old self in reality makes her feel disappointed. More or less, everyone feels the same way. So, the future will change depends on whether she rejects it or sees it as an aspiration.

***

She has been already mature since she was a teenager. Quiet, and less talk. Therefore, our first impression towards her was “humble”. However, the more we watch her activity, the more we understand that she is “action before words” type of person, who keeps her determination inside and transfers it into action. Moreover, as the years pass by, and she is getting more experiences, her speech and conduct become more visible, like she already broke the shell that kept her invisible until now. And there Risa Watanabe is… longing for further growth when she approached 20.

- Risa-san, what is big turning point during 20 years of your life? One thing apart from becoming member of Keyakizaka46…

Risa: Hmm… there are many things, but maybe joining volleyball club in the middle school. In my middle school, we’d have to join at least one club, that’s why I started playing volleyball, but instead of being taught the volleyball techniques, we had been taught the importance of human relationship and manners, mostly we had been taught about things we’re supposed to know in our life. That kind of thought, still remains in my heart even now. 

- So, you had been mentally trained, and been taught the important things you’re supposed to know as human, is that correct? For some reason, do you think yourself as hate-to-lose person?

Risa: Hmm, maybe I don’t have any thought like “I don’t want to lose to other”. But perhaps I should say that I don’t want to lose to myself.

- It’s really great to have that kind of thought in such young age. Because, usually teenagers and people in early 20s tend to blame another person and society. 

Risa: I never really thought about that, I don’t have any clue why people think that way… whenever I can’t do something, I think that it’s my own fault. So it’s really frustrating if there’s something I can’t do.

- That logic is really to the point. Perhaps it’s kind of exaggeration if I say that that kind of thought is sort of philosophical or aesthetic, but what is exactly thing that shape the present Risa Watanabe? Is there any person or culture that influence you?

Risa: Eee, I wonder… (thinking for a while) Hmm, maybe I haven’t met that kind of existence yet. I haven’t found something that makes me able to say “This is the one!”, even though I try to think about it. Maybe I already did, but I myself haven’t realized it yet…

- Is there any influence from your friends? 

Risa: Ah, it is (laugh). I have one bestie, if we have free time, I will meet and talk to her, we will hang out together, she is very important to me. I met her for the first time in the mid-school volleyball club, we were not really close back then. But, we attended the same high school… we went to school together, we got closer, and we became best friends. She is really reliable, she can notice something that I even can’t, like “Ah, so there is that kind of perspective!”, I always discover something new every time we meet, she always makes me realize something. That’s why, even though we are of the same age, I really admire her as human.

- I think having best friend that you can admire means a lot to you that can’t even be described in words. Actually, fellow member Nagahama-san said, “I really admire Risa who never lost a sight of anything at any moment”. By the way, what kind of person is Nagahama-san, that is of the same age as you, in your perspective?

Risa: I really admire Neru too. Among Keyaki’s members, she is always busy especially with her job outside Keyaki, however she always pays attention to people around her, she always notices even the small changes. I think Neru is strong. 

- Nagahama-san really wanted to become 20 immediately since she was a teenager, she even said “I’m finally 20” on her birthday . The moment you turned into 20, what did you think? What did you feel? 

Risa: On my birthday? What did I do again...? However, I also want to become 25 immediately, just like Neru wanted to become 20 (laugh). I never thought “I want to become teenager forever”, so I didn’t consider turning into 20 as something special. It only feels “Ah, I’m another year older”.

- I see, by the way, why do you want to become 25 immediately?

Risa: Because I want to become a real adult. 20yo person is already an adult from society perspective, but I think we’re not really adult… Everyone often says that when we’re elementary or mid-school students, 20yo person looks very mature, but when I turned into 20 myself, I’m still a child, nothing changes. That’s why I want to see myself as real adult immediately. 

- I will ask you something about that. How is your image of ideal adult woman? Or, what kind of woman do you consider as adult?

Risa: Hmm… people who enjoying their life. People who doing their job well, and taking a break as well, I really admire adults that have some time to spare. But, if we can live our life to the fullest everyday, I think it will be so much fun, so at first maybe I will start from cherishing every single day. 

- Why do you portray 25yo women as lively people who live their life to the fullest?

Risa: Because I imagine people in that age start to prepare how to face life in their 30s, so I think they are more mature than 20yo me. I want to immediately start that kind of preparation too. 

- Meanwhile, Nagahama-san said “I want to become 40 immediately” (laugh). Is it because both of you experienced working together with wonderful adults?

Risa: Ah, it might be correct. Araki Yuko-san who always helps me in modelling job is also 25, so maybe she became one of my indicators. 

- I see. Okay, with that kind of perspective, how is your ideal “adult love” and “adult date”?

Risa: Adult love…? Maybe I got too much influence from drama, but when I watch “Chuugakusei Nikki”, I think the relationship between the protagonist Hijiri-chan’s ex-fiance and his boss played by Yoshida Yo-san is very interesting. I always laugh every time I watch it. A man that is always being abused by his reliable senior, that kind of composition somehow makes me think, “Ah this is adult love”. But it’s not like I want to abuse someone (laugh). However, if there is love relationship between boss and subordinate in the same company, somehow it sounds interesting. Though it seems so complicated if it really happens in the real life… 

- That’s right (laugh). However, Yoshida Yo-san is certainly a wonderful person, both as an actress and adult woman. 

Risa: I really like her. She is not only beautiful, but also cool. How should I put it… my image of “a complete adult woman” is someone like Yoshida Yo-san.

- So, she is sort of your ideal image. Okay, let’s talk about real life, what kind of adult do you want to be in the future? Use your imagination, and imagine how you see yourself in 2-3 years. 

Risa: Okay… I want to work. Then, what kind of work I want to do… basically I want to do kind of works where I can move my body.

- In short… you want to do active works, is that correct? 

Risa: I want to work while searching for a hobby, and then devoting myself into it… I want to try that kind of life too. For example, I want to attend cooking class, and meet something that somehow I can be enthusiastic about. There are adults who are always enthusiastic about their hobbies no matter how old they are, I think they are so wonderful, I want to be that kind of adult too in the future. 

- I think it’s really a wonderful guideline. Okay, let’s back to the topic, is there something you want to do when you’re still 20? For example, something big like “climbing Mt. Fuji” is okay, or something more familiar is also okay. 

Risa: When I’m still 20… I want to challenge myself by doing something I want to do while fully enjoying the pleasure of this age. When we were doing photoshoot just now, I could see Mt. Fuji, and suddenly I want to climb it, so I think climbing Mt.Fuji is not a bad idea.

- Ah, I see! Today, I didn’t realize at all that we could see Mt.Fuji from this neighborhood, it was a random example though. 

Risa: I could see it! That’s why it caught my eyes (laugh).

- However, you became able to clearly say what you think year after year. In our interview before, you also said “I want to do radio job”, then you got chance to fill the position of “School of Lock” personality as Hirate Yurina-san’s pinch hitter. What on earth is this change of mind? 

Risa: Up until now, even though I want to do this, I want to do that, I don’t say what I think very much. Though I think “action before words” is way cooler (laugh). However, I finally realized in this past year that saying what I think would be a benefit. I feel that it might be better to say what I think particularly in this work. So, I think maybe it’s okay to say what I want to someone around me even it’s only a little bit. From now on, I hope I can be more greedy like that, even though it’s only little by little.

Using words “only a little bit”, “little by little” is indeed reflecting her humble personality. Meanwhile, from this one phrase “greedy”, it can be perceived that her sense of responsibility and confidence that were born from standing at the front row in 2 consecutive singles, are certainly being her flesh and blood now. And her desire to immediately become an adult perhaps is the embodiment of her thought that wants to have stronger mental and more capacity to carry the group… maybe we are reading her mind little too much. However, we cannot help but to feel her high potential and room for growth from her every single word, once again it is the reality. Anyway, it cannot be denied that we should pay attention to the evolution of Risa Watanabe in the future.

===================================

*sorry for my bad English

[the-poutine-routine]

Hey hey! (Sorry getting too familiar!) It's coach-change anon. I saw your Valse Triste chronicles, and if I may beg your indulgence, I would like to see you take on an exhibition program (Jack & Diane...Jack & Diane...Jack & Diane... :p)

Hello hello hello!

Welp, your wish is my command! I guess I will go ramble on for a bit about an exhibition program.... I’m thinking... ummm... just totally randomly here... maybe Jack and Diane would be a good one??? ;)

Alrighty so I’m not going to get too technical with this because it doesn’t actually have required elements and all that jazz. So that’s great for me, but also probably kind of sucks for you because this is going to have no organization whatsoever... sorry.

mmmmm Jack and Diane... good shit. Content-wise, the main thing I noticed was how great of a job the choreography does of making use of “negative space”. If you think about it, the song more or less is doing the same thing the entire time. There is no change of theme or tempo, and the backing instrumentals are pretty much constant (except for the little bit about the bible belt saving your soul). In short, there’s always something happening in the music. This is balanced really well with there not always being something happening in Tessa and Scott’s skating. Besides the lifts, twizzles, and footwork, a huge chunk of the program is just our favorite idiots skating toward each other and looking into each others’ eyes. 

ALSO, that first lift? The one where she just kind of slides down him? That one? The one that barely even qualifies as lift? Yeah that one’s really good, I like it a lot. I’m not even entirely sure why, it’s just the simplicity of him just holding her there while the music goes silent for a moment... there’s sort of this anticipation, almost a build-up to those first few guitar chords where you know you’re about to see something really good.

So backtracking a bit to the part about them just skating and looking into each others’ eyes... Maybe the most interesting thought I had when I was watching Jack and Diane so it was fresh in my mind for this response was how interesting this program is given the timing in their career. It was sort of this weird in between period where people were still somewhat looking at them as cute kids who are best friends and love ice dancing together, but also a time when people maybe started thinking there was perhaps potential for a wee bit more than friendship going on there. 

This theme was reflected really well in each the choreography, their performance, and not necessarily the lyrics but more the feel or mood of the music choice. So looking at this more specifically he choreographed high-fives and cheek kisses are something very innocent, something that could totally be going on between a couple o’ platonic besties. Meanwhile, the way in which she’s literally draped over him in some of the lifts and- more importantly- the intense stares: how they never stop gazing into each others’ eyes when given the opportunity suggests something perhaps a little less innocent and platonic. 

This is also super interesting because it means that this same program would work for any given time frame in Tessa and Scott’s career. They could have done it a few years earlier, and barely anyone would have blinked and eye or said it was too mature for them. Conversely, if it were to be brought back now, I don’t think the um... passion... that would indubitably come with the lovely post-comeback vm would do anything to tarnish the theme, storyline, or significance of the program.

To elaborate a bit more on the music: Jack and Diane is a very... well... American song. It talks about growing up in the heartland, the freedom of having a car, and- a little less blissfully- how even when life gets to be kind of shit, you just have to keep plowing through because we’re Americans and that’s what we do! (in theory of course, not in reality, but ya know, this is John Mellencamp talking not me...) However, despite the actual plot of the song being intended to center around American themes and values, the story itself is something very relatable that I would assume people from all over the world can fell connected to. A couple of kids growing up and falling in love. Simple as that. 

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that this program is just another prime example of how Tessa and Scott really are the people’s skaters. They can really take any music from any time period, from any country, with any message and mold it into something that speaks to the audience on a completely personal and comprehensible level. Even though I may just be an American kid growing up kind far away from the heartland, watching Jack and Diane just makes me feel like all of us- the entire audience and Tessa and Scott themselves- really are a bunch of kids thrown into life together even long after the thrill of livin’ is gone. (I really hate myself for writing that but I don’t have a better way to end this so it’s what I’m going with)

Welp... tried to end that one on a super moving note, but I failed miserably and just sounded like an idiot but what else is new? 

Anywho, thank you so much coach-change anon! It was kind of refreshing to go a bit in depth into a program not used for competition! No need to apologize fr having lots of interesting questions and prompts. It’s actually a huge compliment that you believe that we’re actually in love think of me as a half decent source for vm info!

As always, I apologize for my wordiness and the lack of organization of this whole darn rant... yikes... ok bye :)

[davidfostercomedyblog]

How I Got Into Stand-Up Comedy - A Personal Memoir

I got into comedy because my Probation Officer made me stop smoking weed.

Alice Corrigan, a wicked witch of a corrections officer whose reputation was well known in my high school. “You got Corrigan?! Fuck, sorry dude.”

I loved weed, and continued to smoke through my first year after sentencing, carelessly trying to fool the tests via substances like Goldenseal, Test Pure, and/or gallons of water the night before each meeting. I’d strain to abstain from my beloved herb for 24 hours, then on the ride home from the Corrections office light up in joyous release, rapping along to some rap lyrics that denounced authority.

But Corrigan was no fool, probably why everyone hated her. After about 18 months of our cat-and-mouse game of urine testing, my mother woke me up one morning holding the (portable) phone in my face.

“It’s Alice Corrigan.”

Rude awakening.

“Hello?” I answered, trying to invoke sounds of maturity and sobriety all into two syllables.

“Hi, David. I need you to come in today by 2:00 for a random drug test.”

Long pause: Random drug test. Isn’t that an oxymoron?

It was my friend, Nick’s birthday the day before, and we spent the night on my porch listening to the new Cypress Hill album, attempting to match their lyrics in actual smoke. Alice filled my reflective gap.

“These are mandatory, so I’ll see you as soon as possible.” She was so cold, so adult, so stern and unforgiving. I hated her so much.

“Oh, okay, no problem,” I answered, trying not to reveal my devastation.

“I’ll see you later,” she hung up.

I proceeded to pound gallons of water, desperate for a miracle, only to be told at our next scheduled appointment that my hyper-hydration was for naught. I came up positive, much as I apparently had in many tests for several months prior. One more positive test would constitute a “violation,” which meant at least a brief period of jail time, which was a line for me.

I enjoyed the adrenaline rushes of graffiti writing and shoplifting but wasn’t cut out for prison. I was rambunctious and experimental, arguably damaged and angry - but with a 1240 SAT (imagine if I hadn’t smoked weed all night the night before) I knew I was better suited for zoot suits than jumpsuits. A prison sentence, no matter how brief, was out of the question. I quit smoking weed.

For a while I was bored and depressed, confused as to how to fill this void that copping, rolling, smoking and occasionally selling weed had done before. Fortunately it was around this time that I met E and moved into Manhattan.

The 90’s were arguably New York’s “sweet spot,” when it was becoming safe enough to always go about your business and enjoy yourself, but also pre-7-11 stores and gentrification, and the culturally rich neighborhoods that once made the city into the capital of the world still retained their integrity. The Lower East Side was still inhabited by broke artists, and E had grown up in Greenwich Village, which believe it or not still boasted some shady blocks where you had to be street smart.

E’s crew of friends could have shown up in a picture under “cool” in the dictionary. They were the best of both worlds, mostly private school educated, but equally street savvy: A racially diverse group of 18 year olds who’d grown up as much on downtown pool halls and hip hop as they did on independent film study and fine literature. They had nicknames for one another and secret handshakes and genuinely scoffed at ideas of style or dialectic parameters based on skin color. I thought they were perfect. I was as quickly accepted by them as I was influenced, and before I knew it my wardrobe was more urban, dialect more slang, and for the first time in my life I wasn’t embarrassed about sounding smart. 

E and I became inseparable besties, literally overnight (on a magic mushroom trip), and frankly, I wanted to be him. He was mixed, Hispanic and white, but when you grew up in New York, dressed in all Polo and North Face gear, and referred to all guys as “niggas,” you’re just “Spanish.” He was the most charismatic, which made him the unofficial leader of our crew. His energy dominated every cypher, and he was as popular with the film nerds as he was with black thugs and girls of all backgrounds. Handsome and stylish, E didn’t need to be hilarious to get laid, but he was – funny bordering on psychotic even. We had many drunken nights downtown with the local pool hall crew that would leave my head spinning the next morning, not only in literal hangover, but also psychological reflection of who I was, who I’d been to this point, and wanted to be going forward.

Without weed I felt mentally clearer, sharper and wittier, more creative. E’s words began coming out of my mouth and mannerisms through my body. I noticed people laughing more at my jokes, gravitating more to my energy and deferring to me in conversation, and what 18 year old wouldn’t enjoy this?  

Funny is a muscle like any other. We all have it, though some of us with a greater potential than others. Two guys can go to the gym together every day for two years and do the same exercises and will come out not looking the same. One’s biceps will be bigger than the other’s. Maybe the other’s legs will be stronger. One will have lost a lot of hair. The other did not. They look at each other constantly, almost as much as they do the mirror, coveting that which contemporary women deem more attractive. They go home and listen to bad music. They have simple jobs and terrible conversations, small penises and an embarrassing medicine chest. They’re unhealthy, too big, uninformed. I digress.

E introduced me to Manhattan Public Access, which up until the advent of Youtube and iphones, was a reputable vessel amongst our generation. Everyone who was anyone was up on the few dope shows that aired weekly on one of the free (uncensored) networks. Spic N’ Spanish, Sam Kellerman Live (RIP), and most close to home, Baby Show, which was produced by another crew of arrogant Greenwich Village kids that E knew from childhood. They would run around town with their video camera making comedy sketches, then air them as a half hour variety show, a pre-recorded, low-budget, uncensored SNL, if you will. Skits were hit-or-miss (also like SNL), but they were always interesting, vulgar but smart, and obviously having tons of fun. I decided for the upcoming Christmas to ask my parents for a video camera.

Over the next two years E and I made about 50 sketches (with the help of our crew). We wrote our first (awful) screenplay and laughed harder with one another than either of us had before in life. We worked hard and often, and my mind’s generation of ideas seemed infinite in the absence of weed. I understand many other artists have the opposite experience, which is just one example of how one size can never fit all, whether with diet, medicine, or otherwise. Marijuana became as distant a memory as an ex-girlfriend you know you’d made the right decision about.

We became instant stars (within our crew). Everyone looked forward to seeing the next joint. We’d hold screenings at crew headquarters, and a subtle “sibling rivalry” even developed, i.e. Who do you like better? Q-Tip or Phife? Havoc or Prodigy, etc.? E or Sauce?I knew I could never compete with E, though others would occasionally say otherwise.

Sadly, I don’t think our friendship was as emotionally rewarding for him, but served as more of a temporary band-aid for his own inner turmoil. When we turned 21 E got more into alcohol and girls, and who could blame him? Girls loved him and he loved liquor, and apparently handled them both very well. I was slightly less tolerant of booze and much less attractive to the opposite sex, subsequently less enamored with the bar and party scene that didn’t seem to reflect the urban identity I’d always aspired to anyway. For the first time a divide had formed between my best friend and I that I didn’t know how to respond to. E would regularly wake me up in the middle of the night with drunken messages on my answering machine, often times a girl’s equally intoxicated laughter in the background; a live audio reminder of my un-coolness and unattractiveness, and worst of all, the inception of my falling out with my brother.

“Saaaaauce! Where are you, Sauce?

Hot, drunk girl: “Where are you Sauce?!”

“Come out, nigga, we miss you!”

Long pause, as I lay in the dark room staring at the answering machine, feeling 40 years old at 20, probably angry that I didn’t believe he really did miss me.

“Aight… pussy-ass nigga,” and I feared that he meant it, or that I agreed, or it was objectively true. 

Was I was a pussy-ass nigga?  

E became an alcoholic. He would black out and have episodes where he’d insult or try to fight me, spewing whatever resentments he apparently harbored in sobriety. I never knew how to respond, whether to laugh it off as brotherly jabs and repress the upset I felt, or react more alpha, consistent with the hip hop culture we’d all immersed ourselves in. Usually I’d get stuck in the middle, leaving me more confused and insecure in my identity than I had since freshman year high school. E’s behavior grew more erratic and I would shut down, unable to compete or keep up with his intoxicated mania that would occasionally embarrass me in front of mutual friends. After one such incident that took place in my room I looked out the window at the sun coming up on another drunken night and saw him and Tre still downstairs on 13thStreet, leaned up against Tre’s car smoking cigarettes. I was unable to fall asleep, too angry and hurt and unable to make peace with how insulted I felt. Finally, I ran downstairs with the intention of attacking and fighting him, but by the time I got to the block they were gone. I was glad it apparently wasn’t meant to be. Eventually my anger transformed into sadness, and although our tight knit crew continued to chill, our brotherhood was over. E was the worst best friend I’ve ever had.

As I sought to fill the void left by the video camera collecting dust in my closet, my college Film Writing teacher suggested to me: “There are other routes to success in entertainment besides improv skits. Have you ever tried stand-up?”

It sounded preposterous, and I was naïve enough to think my teacher must not have been aware of the shy little boy that still existed within me – also young enough to believe that shyness or anxiety are mutually exclusive to courage.

One year later I started dating a girl whose mom had been a heroin addict for 17 years. Over the course of our time together I heard many stories from both sides, of the hell Mom put her daughter through growing up. They were probably the biggest fans of my jokes I’d ever had, hysterically laughing at nearly everything I said and did, thus encouraging me with their loud Nuyorican flamboyancy. We dated just long enough for me to realize how funny I was, also how lucky I’d been to have the parents and opportunities I did. I was given everything (tangible) a human being could ask for. Why should I not pursue the most difficult thing in the world?

One night shortly after we’d broken up I stayed home to watch a Richard Pryor special, in hopes of lifting my spirits. Not only did it obviously achieve said goal, I was mesmerized by his ability. While on stage Pryor seemed to me to personify “alive.” He looked so free and engaged, so courageous and perfect in his proverbial dance with the crowd and his material. I watched him take risks and rule his space, all the while exhibiting the joy of a child, and thought to myself: That’s it. That is the perfect vessel by which to taste life. I had no choice. The following week one night while E was out drinking I hit my first open mic.

If you’ve never waited three hours to do three minutes for three angry people in a dimly lit room devoid of any energy then you’ve never lived. Actually you’ve never metaphorically died the comedy death that is most open mikes. Truly it is awful, piercing deeper into our souls than just performance nightmares, but as existential crises, stomping on our egos, leaving us with the indigestible knowledge that we can never get back those few minutes of life. For the moment all worry and doubt of our talents are replaced with a bittersweet conviction that we are in fact definitely wasting our time.

A number of comics seated gaps apart from one another around the periphery of the room, faces buried in their notebooks, preoccupied with their own creative agendas while your material through the microphone resonates as nothing more than white noise. Every joke seems to receive the same one or two laughs from the same two or three sweethearts, their sympathetic contrivances bouncing around the room, ironically transforming its tone from awkward to dismal. Once in a while pops in a more veteran comic, unforced to wait his turn and the nerds perk up, temporarily uncovering their faces to actually pay attention. Consistent with their greenness, laughter is given as automatically as it is from laypeople to the Chappelle’s and Seinfeld’s of the world. They either assume his punch lines to be funny before they arrive, are just desperately attempting to connect with the comic in any way, or both. As soon as the popular guy leaves you can practically hear the plunder of energy, the re-separation of attention, sighs plunging back into future discarded material and half-attention (at best) to the poor schlep forced to go next.

The only thing harder than performing for fellow comedians is performing for fellow comedians who are waiting to go on stage; and the only thing harder than that is performing for comedians who are waiting to go on stage and don’t know you enough personally to give your new banter any shred of credence. These are not real people, for all intents and purposes, which can make it impossible to get an accurate read on how your new material or yourself will ever be received by real people. Maria Shehata once posted a joke (on Facebook) I’ll never forget. Some well-built, grown man challenged her to punch him in the stomach as hard as she could. She did so, and caught him off guard with her strength. “He didn’t realize how many open mikes I’ve done.”

Wednesdays’ “Train Wreck” at The Parkside Lounge on Houston and Attorney St. was appropriately named. Located so distally on the outskirts of the Lower East Side, by the time I arrived I barely felt like I was any longer in New York, especially because the inside of it always reminded me of some Midwestern bar. Fat, old, white men in beards and plaid shirts lined most of the bar in front of a thin, buxom blonde who looked good only at first glance, the TV’s above her head showing sports highlights or the News. The occasional Bud Light-guzzling, 50-year old black guy walks by, his afro not at all kept to uphold any of the standards of contemporary urbanites. The jukebox played a lot of Lynard Skynard, or maybe it was just stuff I thought was Lynard Skynard, and my post-adolescent mind could do nothing but define myself via harsh (silent) judgment of it.

As if some illegal black market we partake in, the comedy room was located through a dark narrow hallway of bathrooms, then behind a curtain in the back room. Sign-up was at 5:30 with “showtime” at 6, and I can recall some weeks walking purposely slow to the venue so as to convince myself that I’d tried my best, but arrived too late for sign-up. The handful of times I braved to punctuality ended up being awful bombs of silence that ate at my core for the remainder of that night.

“Sauce, have you ever been racially profiled as a wigger?” the host once asked after my set, and everyone laughed for the first time since I’d gotten on stage.

I wasn’t prepared to feel so small and didn’t know if I should risk retorting. Instead I remained mum, and it reminded me of the drunken, belligerent insults I’d had to absorb from my best friend during the past year. I felt like the new kid being pointed and laughed at by all the other cookie-cutter students who’d known each other for years. I felt I was being made fun of by the lames for being different, but I had no way to prove so, and was unable to laugh at myself.

In my 15 years in comedy to come, at the Parkside was the only time I was heckled by a comic. It was an Indian girl, a bit older than me, a regular, familiar face in the front row, who interrupted midway through my set: “Do you know that you’re white?”

Her remark got only a couple of laughs from the room, I assumed because even if the majority appreciated her sentiment, her timing was inappropriate. You don’t heckle fellow comics.

“I do,” I responded to her, able to muster only a hint of sarcasm through my lack of confidence. She’d hit a nerve. As my blood boiled I quietly finished my set, minutes later walking home, cursing out the Indian girl, as well as myself, rationalizing that I was “too real,” too authentic, and the act of stand-up was too contrived for me. It wasn’t for me. I figured I’d return to improve. A few months would heal this wound, and eventually I made my way back in time for sign-up.

At home life was worse, as I’d made the mistake of moving in with E. Our dynamic was fractured, probably by both of our hatreds for him, and I’d completely lost track of my voice. I felt like I was always bombing. I had no confidence, no sense of identity, and practically walked on eggshells when E was home, for fear of being derided in a way that emasculated my vulnerable ego. I’d gone from expressing the best version of myself to the worst version of myself and it was the inception of my anxiety disorder: An overwhelming head rush that would come on either at random and linger throughout the day, or during acute moments of social anxiety. I had no idea how we’d gotten to this place, and at 23 years old even less of an idea of how to climb out of it.

I consider February 13, 2002 to be when I actually started doing comedy. It was a different open mike, Gladys’, on W. 46thSt. in Times Square, known to be “one of the better mikes” in town – a spot I’d already bombed at once the week before.

For some reason beyond my awareness, for the first time in my life I killed from the first sentence out of my mouth. Something must have clicked, or maybe it was just dumb luck of the first joke hitting then riding the wave of confidence instilled by the unanimous laughter. From start to finish the entire five minutes was an out of body experience, watching myself delivering my words and the crowd responding as if I knew what I was doing; almost reminiscent of how it feels to lose our virginity. It isn’t that we’re unable to enjoy the moment, but the experience is clouded by the mental joy for its significance. It is literally unbelievable.

As I walked on air to the back of the room, overhearing my name repeated into the microphone by the host and the sincere applause that followed, I was stopped by a tall, friendly black dude, Max.

“That was great, man.”

“Thanks.” This must be what happens when you don’t suck.  

“Are you available tomorrow night?” he asked.

Huh? “Sure,” I responded with a contrived calmness, and he booked me for a $25 spot on a Valentine’s Day show at some local bar in Castle Hill in the Bronx.

He’s gonna give me $25 to do comedy?! Literally 10 minutes ago I had under my belt about 15 shitty spots over the course of two years and no clue as to whether I could ever have a good one. Ha… sucker!

“Thanks, man, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

I invited Tre to the show, and it wasn’t only because he’s black. He was also my other roommate, had nothing else to do and a car, which would save me a late night train ride home from the Bronx (something I had no idea would be in store on a weekly basis for years to come). I purposely did not invite E – not that he would have come if I had – but his presence would have made me that much more nervous. Instead, Tre was neutral.

The show was at a typical Castle Hill neighborhood bar, probably 60% Puerto Rican, 40% black, and one white person. Familiar hip hop blasted from the DJ booth as the majority of the patrons all fraternized and flirted, or freaked each other to the funky rhythms filling the fortress. How fun! A quaint little room, though not offensively so, the “stage” was set next to the bar and facing out to a handful of tables while the rest paralleled the bar traveling stage right.

The bouncer was friendly enough, and gratitude washed over me when I saw Max immediately after walking in the door. Like I’d just spotted my friends’ table in the school cafeteria, I gave him a pound and hug that I hoped everyone else in the room noticed. He greeted Tre and directed us to two empty seats at the bar, almost directly in front of the wooden box they’d be using as a stage. We ordered a couple of beers and I tried to act like I wasn’t terrified.

I was told I’d be going on second and instantly wished I could get up and walk around, go outside to pace, or just be anywhere besides the confined physical position I was in. I learned later in my career that I absolutely could have. Instead I sipped my beer and felt it mildly settle my nerves as I struggled to pay attention to one word anyone before me said. I remember a Puerto Rican comedian making a joke about my being the only white guy, though amiably padding it with a compliment and head nod of camaraderie. He had a decent set, and none of this had any impact whatsoever on my internal state. As he finished and Max came back up my panic set it, and I realized I wasn’t seated far enough way from the stage for this degree of nervous energy to be walked off.

As Max introduced me the DJ played the new hit single by Jadakiss and Bubba Sparxxx, a white rapper from down south (surely not a coincidence), and for some reason I felt like I’d look more nervous if I didn’t dance. My nerves produced some idiotic, upper body dance moves that had to be atrociously caught somewhere in between serious and mockery. I was a damned fool, surely looking as amateur as I did white, but I got lucky. The crowd bought my faux confidence, misinterpreting it as organic from this goofy white boy with whom they were too unfamiliar to detect the difference.

I did the same jokes as I had the night before, which was really the only jokes I had, which was five minutes about the perks of dating a girl who already had a boyfriend (the ex-heroin addict’s daughter). It was hacky and simple and delivered with a hokey animation, but for the setting it was perfect. Every joke hit even harder than the night before. I got laughs on set ups and punch lines, and in between bits even my defense mechanism persona of laissez faire facial expressions sent many of the women into hysterics. I “had them,” as we say, and it became fun. I was killing.

I’d never experienced anything like it before. Once killing, we reach a point where the crowd no longer cares how clever each joke is, but instead they’ve fallen in love with us. Who we are begins to shape our material instead of the material shaping who we are, and our listeners reward us with a benefit of doubt not dissimilar to what we get from close friends. I’m sorry to break the news, but this is also why it’s erroneous when laypeople take pride in having just “made the comedian laugh.” First, we’re not necessarily funnier than every non-comedian in the world. We’re just the ones who chose stand-up comedy as a pursuit. Second, and more to the point, in a social engagement there’s a good chance that welikeyou,your personality and energy. We might even love you and/or are warmly responsive. This doesn’t mean our laugh is sympathetic or your joke is not funny, but “making the comedian laugh” is not the equivalent of knocking out the boxer. In the exchange of humor the importance of connection cannot be overstated. I digress.

Tre and I stuck around until the end of the show, basking in my glory. Max paid me the $25 in cash, and it felt like $25,000 in my hand. I couldn’t believe someone had just given me money to do comedy, but even more appreciated were the pounds and hugs I received on my way out. I could feel Tre proudly walking behind me; also some of the women in the room eyeing me, and I didn’t want the night to end. I suggested to Tre that we go to Club Passion, downtown. “My treat!”

Club Passion was a ghetto strip club on 8thAvenue. For clarification purposes, “ghetto” strip club does not imply only the strippers’ ethnicity, but also the nature of the club. Instead of a traditional strip club setting, Passion functioned basically like a party filled with male customers and extremely forward, sexy women in thongs and lingerie whose job it was to “work the floor.” Whoever happened to be on the stage and pole at any given time was usually the least paid attention to, as fly girls were all over the room grinding on guys for dollars at a time; and most touching was permitted, if not encouraged.

It was one of the greatest nights of my life, instilling in me a pride and self-confidence that seemed to heal all of my wounds from my fractured friendship with E, and filled the void left by our defunct skit productions. His habits and lifestyle continued in the same direction but our friendship began to feel like a friendship again, mostly because I’d discovered in myself a strong sense of purpose and pride, and even my anxiety symptoms got a lot better and less frequent. I was a comic, better yet an “urban comic,” and (thought) I was good at it! I felt happy for the first time in two years, and we developed a new dynamic, where the student had sort of surpassed the teacher.

[i-am-forever--bored]

Jeffmads Head Cannons (I accidentally deleted the request sorry)

JEEEEEEFFFFFMAAAADSSS (Okay so I already have tons of stuff set up so I'm doing this based off of my college AU so this is a story with head cannons and such. You came for cute shit and you got angst™ and cute shit also sorry these are gonna come so late I worked on this one for an hour before falling asleep) Possible trigger warning for slight and quick talk of miscarriages and panic attacks

- they met at kindergarten and somehow are still friends </p>

- when nap time came they slept on the same mat and used James baby blanket (they were basically spooning all the time)

-they were pretty chill with each other until like middle school when they had no classes together

- but Thomas bribed the school to get them the same schedule so that was good

- during sophomore year of school they sorta had a falling out

- Thomas embraced his polyness and was fucking a lot of people and going to a lot of parties

- and so James hung out with his other friend and to anyone they would look like a couple but they weren&rsquo;t just very very platonic bros

- after a couple week Thomas started missing James so they went back to being besties but James did still hang out with Sawney (his other friend) and Thomas never really knew about him (not for any particular reason)

- Also between this time James has found out he's Asexual

- another thing that has been happening between the families is miscarriages which made James terrified at the announcement of his mother announcing she was pregnant (over and over again) and Thomas sorta started growing numb to it but he would be very excited when the baby was born and healthy

- Thomas had to comfort James a lot

- James liked to do Thomas&rsquo; makeup to calm himself down

- He is bomb at it

- anyway FLASH TO AFTER GRADUATION

- they both decide to take skip year before going to college

- after graduating Thomas decides early into this that he wants to go to France

- and so James goes with only their families knowing

- so these mother fuckers meet Lafayette at a party who had been basically disowned from his family (but Laf still had their money, karma's a bitch)

- and so they all share a small flat with a bunk bed and a twin bed

- (they definitely had makeup nights where James does everyone&rsquo;s makeup and they would have themes and it was the best™)

- and them three live happily with some sexual tension™ between James and Thomas

- when the year is almost up they tell Laf they gotta go back to America

- and Laf who was learning English still but was mostly fluent with a thick accent was like hell yeah

- Thomas decided he wanted to be a lawyer because he always had a way with convincing people to do things and to listen to him and agree with his opinion

- James decided to do that to cause he didn&rsquo;t know where he was gonna go otherwise and he got excepted

- Thomas bribed the school so they could be dorm mates

- As the week before school rolled around James had panic attacks nightly

- James was second guessing everything about his major and his choices of school

- he had made a few friends already but was very worried that he wouldn&rsquo;t like it at all

<p>- Thomas didn&rsquo;t know this was happening till the Saturday of that week

- Thomas found James crying and breathing quickly in the bathroom (James didn't want to wake up Thomas so he went in there so Thomas wouldn't be bothered)

- a lot of comforting and reassuring

- a makeup session after

- James felt a lot better after that

- When school did start James enjoyed it a lot

- so skip to SPRING BREAK

- They both had met the squad™ (aka rev set + Aaron + Theo and Schuyler sis's + Maria)

- Thomas had started dating this kid Nathan from their home town

- so they went back to their home town over break so they could see their family (they actually hadn&rsquo;t seen them since they left for France) and Thomas wanted to see Nathan

- After a party Sawney (that dude from earlier) and James met up again and James basically started staying with Sawney cause Thomas was completely ignoring him (not on purpose just was focusing on his bf and parties)

- and then Thomas started worrying a lot about James and basically after a party at Nathan&rsquo;s house and James had accidentally passed out and Nathan and his buds beat up James

- soon Thomas found out and a lot of tears were shed and a lot of sadness (it was all very emotional I cried when I wrote it) there was a lot of marks and bruises

- so Thomas took James to Sawney&rsquo;s and they hung out for like five seconds before Thomas left and beat the living shIT OUT OF NATHAN CAUSE NO ONE HURTS HIS JEMMY

- Thomas came back and they had another make up session

- when they got back to their dorm there was way more sexual tension since they had both realized that they had crushes on each other

- (cause beating up a guy and breaking some of his ribs can make you do some self reflection)

- so the night they came back there was snuggles and they had their first kiss

- but basically the same thing happened from the school panic attack cause James was scared of their status and if it might ruin their relationship

- but Thomas reassured him with more snuggles and happiness

- after a few day they started officially dating (everyone was like “finally!” Cause everyone saw their sexual tension)

- after that they finished school together they moved in with each other right away

- a year after that when they were all financially stable and all that jazz Thomas proposed

- he was being super romantic too

- James knew something was up but he actually started crying when Thomas pulled out the ring

- it was a beautiful night

- the

- once they got married Thomas convinced James to go to makeup school

- so from that point Thomas was the one working while James actually did what he loved

- cause James liked learning about the lawyer stuff in school but hated the actual working part of it

- so they were just liven off of that for awhile

- they never really thought about kids honestly

- especially with them living off of only Thomas’ paycheck but Thomas’ sister (Anna) got pregnant as a late teenager

- and she told Thomas and James first and she was babbling about how she couldn’t take care of it since she was too young (17)

- she really didn’t tell many until she had to and so for awhile James and Thomas had to figure out what to do

- and James at his second year of makeup school (idk if there is a correct term for that) wasn’t just learning regular make up it was some special affect stuff

- and James was like fuck it we can take the kid

- and Thomas was pretty iffy about it but James convinced him

- and Anna was very very thankful about it cause they just saved a lot of complication for her

- and these boys are like 31 now so they were more or less ready relationship wise to take care of a kid

- skips a couple years of this baby girl being 3

- Dash is super energetic, like they just let Anna choose the name cause it’s her kid but she lived up to that name

- that child always ran around

- they found it hard to keep up with her

- They had a system that worked pretty smoothly

- weirdly unlike James’ job Thomas had quite flexible hours

- so they didn’t need a babysitter to much

- Thomas had to take Dash to her first day of preschool without James cause James knew that he would cry to much

- Thomas was pretty emotional too but he kept himself together

- James would actually take Dash to his work sometimes when she got a little older if he was doing regular makeup

- she found it really cool and James liked that he knew how to make her stop jumping around so much

- but they never let her where make up out side of the house until she was at least in 8th grade

- but when she was 9 on Halloween she was a zombie and James went full on special effects on her

- she was actually a little scared when she saw the make up on her

- but they both showed her that they could take it off easily

- she never really liked wearing make up but she let James use her for little projects and such

- middle school she joined track and these little shits got so excited

- cause they could cheer on their baby girl

- they had family movie night with tons of chocolate and candy and popcorn

- they turned off all of the lights so it was like the movies

- aka family cuddling time

- and Anna would visit and such but she wasn’t stable (she was in college and had money problems) until Dash has been older so Anna would just hang out with them when she could

- After Anna finished school she actually lived an hour away so Dash stayed there for a couple week in the summer

- they hated how quite the house was

- Thomas was usually the one to take Dash shopping

- James never really liked shopping but Thomas got that shit done

- Dash also had some abandonment issues cause she was scared that one of the times she would go to Anna (who was definitely like a cool aunt to her) that her dad’s would just leave her there

- since Anna had already given her up (even though she understood those circumstances she was still scared about it)

- they were the best dad’s to help her when she had a break up

- they would dedicate a day for her if it was a super bad break up

- they let her practice track first and would time her

- then she could have James do any make up on her or Thomas that she wanted

- then a movie marathon of her favorite movies with popcorn and candy, she would usually fall asleep during the movies

- it was nicely domestic

- okay but when she graduated there was endless tears

- they were so proud

- she got a scholarship for track for college too

- they were just very very proud

- plus they weren’t ready to let go of their baby girl

- they just sorta grew old together after that

- soon retirement came for them

- and a couple of grandkids

- James died first (hA I’m not crying you’re crying) he had a weak immune system which was his downfall

- after year or two Thomas died

THAT WAS A LOT LONGER THEN ORIGINALLY INTENDED BUT MY GOD IT WAS WORTH IT