#and people will assume i'm mocking the show' or some weird thing like that. Anyway lol

[icewindandboringhorror]

A little costume with eyebrow whiskers again.. making their return lol..

[busket]

gravity falls rant, cw sexual assault and harassment

seeing the gf fandom do a full 180 on billford is so odd to see and kind of infuriating because I had so many nasty rumors and lies spread about me in 2015-2018 because I liked them as bitter exes. a callout google doc was made and I never read it, but I know it framed me as a creep and an abuser. all because I thought a cartoon nerd and a triangle had a fascinating dynamic that was dark and compelling

in 2017 or 2018 someone sent like 70 messages to my curiouscat just repeating RAPIST RAPIST RAPIST RAPIST over and over again. I'd never even had sex at that point, and I had just cut my dad out of my life for actually being a pedophile and a rapist. so that was traumatizing! that really hurt me!

I also know it was because I had a NSFW account where i drew porn (i was an adult, i was clear i only wanted adults following me. and I still do draw nsfw, I'm not ashamed of that now but these folks made me ashamed of it for years) that included some porn of trans men, like Stanley or Stanford as trans men (NEVER together bc I've always been staunchly against incest or pedophilia ships) and these people framed me as a transphobe and a transmasc fetishist

well obviously I'm a trans man now and I didn't know it at the time but those drawings were a way to explore my own relationship with gender. I even look like Stan and Ford now, obviously i latched on to them as trans men because I wanted to BE them. but I believed it when people called me a piece of shit, I assumed all trans people would despise me too and I'd committed a horrible sin and it forced me back in the closet for another 5 years.

the people doing this were teenagers at the time, a few I thought were my friends/mutuals, and they made that part of my life kinda miserable. I was already miserable with other shit going on in my life. I ignored most of the harassment to make myself uninteresting and to avoid the possibility of becoming a lolcow but it involved anonymous messages both on tumblr and curiouscat, I even got a few emails just mocking me. even in 2019 when some people were like "oh yeah she's moved on to moomin, this is what her art looks like now, I can't look at it without thinking about how much she loves rape :/" which was NEVER true!!! I liked Ford and Bill as bitter exes but it was always consensual in my mind.

Anyway I don't ever expect or even want an apology. I'm sure they don't realize what an effect that harassment had on me during literally the darkest years of my life. to them they were just teasing a weird girl on the internet for fun, or very seriously warning their friends against whom they'd been lied to about being an abuser, but I was a closeted trans man trying to finish college, my home life was abysmal and abusive, I hated myself, i hated my body, my only friends were online, and when I'd log on for some escapism I was met with another message like "hey, you should block this person. they're saying some really cruel things about you on their account. I know it's not true but it looks like some people are believing it."

gravity falls was so important to me as a show since oregon is my home and it felt so authentic to my own childhood being interested in cryptids and going camping and visiting shit like the Oregon vortex as a child. but the fandom was the worst I've ever been in. it ruined my enjoyment of media online for years. so idk. I guess I feel somewhat vindicated but it would also be nice to get those years back and not be harassed and bullied online about something so stupid and unimportant

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #53

I heard today that you lost your necklace. I heard that you spent a lot of time looking for it by yourself. I heard that the people nearby, who didn't understand, assumed that you were just being strange and creepy and "looting corpses".

I understand the thing that happens when I am trying to do something, and other people assume I'm crazy or just a creep of some kind. Seeing the Shinra workers at Rhadore speak about you that way reminded me of a time when I was younger, and I brought into school an artist's mannequin that I painted, to show my high school art teacher. The other children, already wary of me, didn't understand, and chattered maliciously about me, assuming that I was not quite right in the head. I have a lot more stories about this sort of thing - trying to do something wholesome, only to have others misunderstand and assume that I'm creepy and weird. The fact of the matter is that people can be insecure, and when insecure people don't understand something, their first instinct is usually to mock it. It doesn't have anything to do with the person being mocked; they're just collateral damage in the other person's war against themselves.

I'm sorry you were bullied as a boy. And I'm sorry that your upbringing was such that you didn't think to ask for help to look for your lost locket. It's hard when we don't quite fit in with other people; I and lots of other folks from my world understand that feeling very well. But I'm glad that Matt, Lucia, and Glenn helped you once they realized what you were trying to do (even if they, too, initially thought you were "looting corpses" when they saw you).

I heard that you didn't find your necklace, though. I know you said that "you can accept that it's gone", but I don't think that's true at all, given your body language and facial expression. And now, anyone who has paid attention to you understands very well why, when you're troubled, you instinctively reach for your chest even years after the loss of the necklace.

Sephiroth… I don't know what the locket you lost looked like. I wish I did. But all the same, we of my world have the capacity to reproduce the image you carry with you. And so I did. And I have the capacity to make jewelry. So today I went out and got the supplies to do that. Here:

...If you can come grab it up somehow, it's yours. Impossible, I know. But I'll keep it safe with me, anyway. Or perhaps I'll run into those very important people again - the same people to whom I gave my first letter to you and the Tree of Life materia I made for you. If I do, I'll ask them if they can send this along to you as well.

In the meantime, I can show you how I made it.

I started with a simple locket. I had several to choose from at the place I went to, but I am partial to trees (that might be obvious, since I like to weave them), and I wanted to give you something that would allow you to see the picture even when the locket is closed, so I selected this:

There's no glass there, though; it's just an open piece of metal. I know sometimes you are in the rain or in the mud, and I didn't want the picture inside to get damaged. So I cut out a small, transparent piece of thin, sturdy plastic to protect the image.

In order to do that with any precision, first I made an impression of the inside of the locket on a piece of paper, like so:

See the impression, there, on the lower part of the image, on the paper?

From there, you trace the impression on a piece of plastic, like this:

Then, you use a precision knife to cut it out. I'm dyspraxic, so using one of those is a bit dangerous for me, haha! So I took it very slowly:

I used the outline left behind to trim the photo, and put it into the locket:

From there, I cleaned up the outline of the plastic a little bit, trimmed it to fit, and stuck it over the picture. You can tell that the plastic is there because it reflects the light:

I tried to position it so that the trees would frame her face. The shadow makes it look kinda weird, but I promise you that it looks nice otherwise:

I selected this chain to go with it:

I cut a length of the chain that seemed reasonable, and put a tiny metal circle on one end, like this:

From there, I had to put the clasp on:

To put on a clasp, first you put another metal circle on the other end, and then you put the clasp around the metal circle, too.

Then you pinch it closed with a tool. And the rest is history:

I think it sits at a reasonable location on the chest, but you're taller than me, so... I dunno. You're not here (because obviously), so I can't exactly check to make sure the length works well for you.

In any case... you're left-handed. So I made sure to put the clasp on the left-hand side so that it'd be easier for you to use. And... don't worry; I wore it only for a moment, just to make sure the length of the chain is reasonable. It is yours, so although I'll carry it with me, it's meant for your neck, not mine.

I know that it doesn't replace the one you lost. But... I wished you didn't have to be sad. So here you go. I hope you like it.

I guess that just about wraps up today's letter. As part of my adventures today to get the supplies to make this, I also went and got pumpkin seeds without shells. It's time for me to make pumpkin soup. This, too, is for you.

Don't wander around thinking that you're not loved. Don't wander around thinking that you're not cared for. Don't wander around thinking that you're not seen and heard for exactly who you are. Because I'm right here. And my world is filled with others who are just like me, and they can understand you and care about you just as easily as I can. You're not alone. So stay safe out there and make good, kind, and loving choices.

Expect another letter tomorrow. It will be pumpkin-soup-flavored. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

[faunastanza]

Circlet of the Sun pt. 3

(part 2) (part 4)

Sila and Papaya go back and forth about the script some more, with Papaya repeatedly saying how much she loathes Sila but never says it to her face. They does have a funny line about how she makes an expression that doesn't make sense though.

there's an emoticon for this somewhere

The impression throughout all this ranting is that Sila likes dramatic anime-like fight scenes for her Mary Sue. Doesn't seem like a crime to me but I guess I wasn't there. She is mocked for it. More direct parallels are drawn between Glip's abusive real life dad and the real life gun he threatened his family with and this person on the internet who wrote bad stories and hurt people's feelings.

After a bunch of that, we cut back to Papaya and a new character, Jaxi, at the shop. Jaxi is a stand-in for one of Glip's real life partners Axi, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, Jaxi says that Sila came to them the next day and told them about what happened, and that Papaya really scared her when she yelled at her. They say that, knowing Glip, scaring her would have been intentional. They say Glip shouldn't be so mean to someone who's doing their best and trying to help. Glip doesn't remember yelling or why. Hey, guess what train of logic shows up again! Guess! GO ON! GUESS!!!

sure have trouble remembering when i yell at people for some reason

Papaya says she feels ashamed and starts to explain (crossed out) BLAME herself. She says she should have known better and shouldn't have yelled and just explained it calmly for the tenth time but instead she yelled. "I'm so tired of everyone being scared of me," she says. Gee, I wonder why that would be? Maybe this whole VN is a reason. Jaxi says that Sila is really scared of her and they can't think of a reason now to tell her why she shouldn't be.

We cut back to Tox and her two minions. Inkcat is called Vacuumania which makes me think of a fetish site more than a character name but hey. Toxinuate throws a pity party about how her two friends, Obverse and Vacuumania, tell her everything she does wrong and that makes her get better at things, which is a theme that came up when Tox was first introduced. This whole scene has very weird vibes since it seems like Glip is aiming this at Jaxi, their real life partner, who was talking to them completely reasonably a second ago. I don't know man. It's weird, that's what I'm saying.

i'm not talking about you, jaxi! (or am i)

Tox keeps rambling her big irritating pity party to herself about how she can't have boundaries and does everything wrong and everyone hates her yada yada we've all heard this before. It's also implied at one point that Tox should accept every kind of story/medicine people want to inflict on her, so I guess we're back to kinkshaming lol.

It goes on to touch on being cancelled again and how people blame Tox for things it totally didn't do. I'd remind you that Tox is another self-insert of Glip's but at this point you might as well assume that's a given.

step on me more plz (just kidding) (or am i)

Scissors and Inkcat, sorry, Obverse and Vacuumania actually tell her to shut up at one point which is pretty funny though.

thank you

There's some more of Selfish-Harm being a strawman villain then out of nowhere this hilarious thing.

lol what

There's a whole bunch more yelling and Selfish-Harm being evil and Selfish-Harm stabs Papaya repeatedly with very deliberate rape imagery, which is weird. She tries to explain but Selfish-Harm never listens, so she thinks of a way to make them listen.

Papaya shifts into Lily! Hey, Lily! One of the actual characters! I'm shocked. There's a bunch of rambling in the corners about Lily panicking about how she's put into a role that doesn't fit and she can't remember who she was because she keeps getting killed in someone's mind so she can never grow, because they don't know her. She'd never like someone as pathetic as you! The narration says. "You're Sylvan! You kill her in your mind! You're the one who restarts the universe everytime!"

What does it mean? It means Sila likes Lily the wrong way and writes stories about her dying, basically.

Anyway, Lily holds a baby Jupet in her hand. She says that Jupet is small, but they're a nekopossum, so that'd be why. That'd explain the fairy circle in their room as well! It does imply that maybe Lily had other children in other frequencies but who cares at this point.

hachacha

TAL's been using a laser to collect data and heal. Lily is scared of it, but it helps her. It takes away her pain and creates the wall out of the inability to feel pain. This is the quarantine line, it says. The quarantine line for paranoia! What does it mean. Someone says that you've lost the Heaven's Keys, and that Clear Watching is an underground prison on one of the Keys.

Glip and Lily go into the Keys. Glip says they found an anomaly, and we get a shot of Jupet with an X over their head. No one remembered them, they became a child of the story, never to have been, it says (what). There's then an odd panel with someone rambling, Glip I think, saying you're a terrifying person and that writing about their own character in their own story fills them with dread, so they're going to kill her off for good. I assume this is about Sila. Glip throws Lily into Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE.

Anyway, we have a frequency shift from Andre to Sample, because great, whatever that means, and cut to Amdusias pony, now named Sinpony. Beleth is talking to her, but they have a new form now with a diamond over their eye. Another AU form of Beleth. Sigh.

Beleth thinks about how they're so cool and that they can beat anyone up with their three favorite toys. They call them and Tox, Obverse, and Vacuumania show up, baffled. Sila is there again, saying Sinpony belongs to her, and Beleth squares off to fight.

We then get a card saying it's the end of part one and Papaya never wrote the second part because Sila attacked her. It's a poor workman that blames their tools, you know.

:3c

We go to Callclout writhing in pain from Bugsy's rule, yada yada. They try to figure out a way to get out from under it. There's another childish "this is you!" moment with Glip introducing another new dumb angel, Socketpuppet.

wait i'm missing a thumb

As you might guess, Socketpuppet puts on puppets of other characters and pretends to be them. Socketpuppet pretends to be Papaya for a while and I'm not really sure who's talking. Of note though is that Glip again gets defensive about people hating on Call-Clout and says they'll kill off Lily and Neon if it continues. okay.

how to respond to criticism

The voice, Glip I assume, declares Rule Zero, that you (Sila I assume) can never talk to them or their friends again. I don't know why they think Sila would at this point, it sounds like it'd be the last thing on her mind. But hey.

They then explicitly blackmail Sila, saying that if Sila talks about Glip to anyone or has any bad feelings about anything in this VN, they'll kill off Lily and Neon (maybe Jupet too). They get really defensive about Call-Clout again which is hilarious to me. Call-Clout, of all characters. Imagine being defensive of a character called Call-Clout IN a call-out you wrote!! it's kind of amazing.

i'm the hero!! glip says, like all the villains say, but it's different when they do it

It then says Hostage Taker, Selfish Hurt, so maybe Selfish-Hurt is threatening this to... who? Themselves? Someone else by pretending to be Glip? I don't know. Maybe they're blaming Selfish-Hurt for making them take hostages? This is a mess.

Hilariously, Glip then says that Sila made them realize that callouts are a useful tool, but they didn't want to do one. :( They just wanted to write a story about what it felt like for Sila to be a horrible creep! Look what you've made them do! This is your fault!! They say they're recovering just fine without Sila, as the VN clearly shows. No issues here.

We get a bit more clarity now with a goop like sort of Glip being confirming that they are the ones holding Lily and Neon hostage, and that if they die everyone will know it was Sila's fault and know she's a pervert who gets off on killing loving mothers. If they keep quiet then maybe Glip will keep them alive, or maybe not.

conflict resolution, by glip

Glip yells at Sila some more, then gets mad at them for driving them to do this. Sila cares more about jerking the characters around than how it hurts Glip so much when she does that! :( Glip says that this actually made them stop caring about Lily and Neon, because caring about them turned into endless suffering for Glip. I wonder if this could have been avoided if they just banned Sila when they suggested a script that creeped them out in the first place. Just spitballing though. "Who cares, it's just a comic" they say. Who cares indeed.

Glip says Sila radiates violent and murderous feelings and thinks that Sila would physically attack them if they met in real life. You're a dangerous person, Glip says, sorry you had to hear it from me. :( So they say they'll just kill Lily and Neon off right now. I mean, I guess it's not like Glip was even doing anything with them at this point, is it so much of a loss?

Just in case you were wondering, Glip then takes an opportunity to tell you how much they enjoyed writing this callout and screaming at this rando for hours. Callouts are great and cathartic! I guess people get their kicks in all sorts of ways.

call outs are great! not when they're about me though

Papaya laughs, saying that it's just a story. "Stories with no basis in reality don't matter", it says, although then it crosses "don't matter" out and replaces it with "creates that reality".

As threatened, we return to Lily and Neon. Neon says that something's been bothering her. Lily asks her what it is, while narration says THIS IS THE SCHOOLYARD DISEASE, THIS IS WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Spite, apparently. Actually that adds up.

Neon says that she's really scared of Lily, that entering this chamber with her and trying to teach her about what's going on is terrifying because she knows she looks like a traitor. Lily breaks, again, finally, whatever that means. Everyone in this comic is breaking constantly. Anyway, she doesn't know why Neon would talk about being a traitor, like she's forgotten that Neon told her exactly why. To be fair that was a pretty long time ago.

Lily wonders if Neon really feels bad about it or if it's just paranoia. Not sure how those two things are different. Why was she joking about something so serious? she wonders. Neon is a stranger, right? It gets crossed out and replaced with danger.

Neon says that this is what she's talking about, when she says again and again that she doesn't want Lily to kill her and Lily doesn't respond. Neon says she's had nightmares for years about Lily killing her (with beholding sirens involved somehow presumably) and that Lily acts like that never happened and just makes jokes and makes Neon feel good, and it doesn't add up to Neon. Neon can't tell if she's paranoid or if Lily is hiding how much she wants to kill her.

looks a bit like a rabbit

"I can feel it again, the way you hide your violent thoughts," Neon says. "You can't get mad or you'll snap and kill me, because Jupet's gone and I caused it." Not sure if this is due to the Jupet going into Beleth thing or Lily getting stuck on the wrong frequency. Neon says she can finally feel Lily's malice. She doesn't know what to do other than try to fix it, and says she'd try to fix it even if Lily wasn't here and Jupet wasn't gone, and she apologizes.

The Schoolyard Disease starts trying to take root in Lily's heart, where it would bring them full circle and begin them anew. But something about Neon said sticks with her. Had she said something new?

Lily feels ashamed of herself. She didn't think Neon would notice all of her violent negative feelings, but she did because she was scared and quiet and loving. I'll just have to take Lily's word for it. Neon noticed Lily leaking violence and hostility and somehow managed to apologize for it. That phrasing is a bit weird I think.

look into my eyes

Lily connects to the feelings she'd been lying to herself about. She'd almost scared Neon to death! This should be in its own separate VN, why it's tacked onto this rant is beyond me. No wait, it's because this scene is written out of spite, that's right.

Lily says that she's tried to kill Sylvan a hundred thousand times, but he can't die. He always comes back to life because he's a necropossum. This explains that mention of coming back to life so long ago with Jupet. Lily then says she can also never die, he can never kill her and she can never kill him. She describes it like she dies, then decides she just didn't die and ends up back here, and then takes it out on Neon. Neon also always comes back. "Are we monsters?" Lily wonders. I have to say, finding out that Lily and Neon are trapped in an endless cycle of death, murder, and rebirth with each other has made their relationship way more interesting. Oh no I'm part of the problem!!

Abruptly, they're back in the Amdusias pony form. Lily wants to say she'd never murder Neon, but she's not entirely sure that's true. She misses Jupet terribly. Lily says that she's not scared of not recognizing Jupet when she sees them again, but of them not recognizing her. She says she knows she wasn't a good mother sometimes, and wonders if that's what factored into them leaving.

She wasn't trying to blame Neon for her feelings about what Sylvan did to Jupet (will we ever find out?), and tells Neon that it's not her fault that all this happened. She's ashamed she hurt her and isn't sure what possessed her to do that.

Anyway, Sinpony collapses on the ground next to white Beleth, we're back at the end of... Schoolyard Disease? Is that the VN I'm thinking of? Anyway, Sinpony feels three other consciousnesses leave it or be forgotten. There's an odd bit about wishing for the universe to take her identity and leaving her with a life of malice for her and her child.

lily?

Not sure what to make of that. Sinpony talks to Beleth like they're her child but doesn't know why. This freaks Beleth out a bit. They say Beleth's memory isn't all there and they shouldn't play dumb, asking why they're playing the same tricks as their father ("may i remind you what a horrible monster he is?"). They weren't always a doll and they can't keep this charade up, Sinpony says.

Beleth breaks (everyone breaks!) and realizes that they don't have a childhood or a past and that maybe something's controlling them. They realize their body is indestructible and that's boring and wonder what death is like, then flip out at Sinpony and threaten to kill them for "touching her memory." Sinpony is terrified and has no idea what they're talking about. Unable to tell Beleth that they just want to see their child again, they pass out.

Anyway we cut back to CC. Sadly they seem to have escaped Bugsy's rule thanks to their "forcesight" to do a bunch of redacted things. They say that the paranoia on Neon had incubated and turned into Socketpuppet because of Beleth. Or Bugsy. Fine, whatever.

i'm the good guy

It does say that CC tried to protect Lily/Neon/Chip from getting their identities eaten, which doesn't really match what we were shown in that VN at all. CC then says she has to deliver a mask to its recipient because they've solved an instance of Schoolyard Disease by predicting what hurt to do in advance! Oh man, remember that?? I actually had to go back and reread it because it was already barely explained to begin with. I think solving an instance of Schoolyard Disease has now told them who they need to deliver the mask to.

Call-Clout remembers that this is where Median isn't saved, because Beleth is busy arguing with Sinpony over there. Beating a dead horse, am I right! Anyway Andre said a long time ago that without Median the plague spreads out of control and everyone dies. Oops! Srinivasa says they hate this world as much as they love it, and that they don't even feel real anymore, just a thing being manipulated by their mask. Stardrop warned you about this.

Call-Clout wants to take off the mask and just exist, but it'll look like the Unmasked Sun (Glip) and no one will help them then. So unfair. :( CC says the shift is inevitable and that they've lost this round and three identities. CC has a big hole in their chest and Socketpuppet shows up and eyes it. CC bleeding out summons an ENCORE (but wasn't Encore already here...?)

Encore shows up and says they can take the hole away from CC's chest, although CC is too weak to say anything with Socketpuppet nearby. It has a thorny ring looped into it like a keyring.

i guess you can call for multiple encores

CC says they're not good and are tired of playing the villain. Encore says they'll do it instead and they'll give them what they deserve, a fair trial. CC laughs at the idea, asking Encore where they were when they got blamed for the plague and exiled back in the Masked Sun VN. Socketpuppet lols in the background and again sizes up the hole in CC's chest.

CC calls them an idiot, resonating with "the entire cycle Socketpuppet had completed", and the hole in their chest congeals and becomes a Circlet of the Sun. Title drop! After all this time what is it?? What's the circlet of the sun??? What is it???

It's just the receipts of what Sila did.

the secret of this callout is... that it's a callout

Anyway CC rambles on disjointedly about exaggerating feelings and some talk of suicide and Sila assaulting her brother or mom or something, I can't keep track of this since it's not explained and I don't care. This is already so long and we're so close to the end...! CC goes on to describe malice and I thought maybe Glip was describing themselves but I think it's supposed to be directed at Sila. Not sure how I could've mixed that up!

got a face made of taffy

There's also a "diagram" that looks a lot like a uterus.

and some fallopian tubes i suppose

Anyway out of nowhere, Ms. Warmheart appears again. CC asks her to help them by yelling at CC as if she's yelling at Socketpuppet. Warmheart is peeved and says that CC already has a "little doll" in back to play with, and says that this is why CC got into this mess in the first place, their little experiments. Anyway CC and Warmheart and Socketpuppet argue and it's boring and doesn't make a lot of sense. Malice gets brought up again. Warmheart does say that CC is some kind of abomination that holds multiple souls and identities within themselves though.

She also mentions razing the land again! I remember that getting mentioned before. It's not explained any more here than it was back then.

burn it all to the ground

CC pulls out the mask they were supposed to deliver, saying it's time to eat it. Socketpuppet demands it but CC gives it to Warmheart instead, although she seems pretty hesitant about the whole thing. Encore meanwhile makes a big circlet portal and goes through it, figuring everyone else can handle it on their own. They wonder what they'll do when this frequency is completely drained of magic. They shrug and say it's just the natural consequence of trying to solve a problem by lying to yourself.

Mr. 5 meanwhile is covered with worthworms while everyone else is doing other things. What'll he do now, the narration wonders? Die, hopefully. Encore keeps going down a hole and Glip brings up being cancelled again out of nowhere.

this red circle is about to charge

Encore, looking sillier and sillier as they go, yells at Sila again. I thought at first they were yelling at themselves sarcastically but now I think it's genuine yelling at Sila? It's weird how the same accusations seem to fit between the two of them. Probably a coincidence.

/srs or /j? /srs or /j?????

There's more yelling at Sila, along with accusations of trying to kill herself to make Glip feel bad. It goes on and on for a while and then Glip's like "let me make it a violent cartoon, you like those!" and Bugsy shows up again. Bugsy likes punching things but sometimes feels bad about it and doesn't know why. What could it mean? At one point Bugsy holds up a list of all the people Glip's ever hurt and says they'll hold Glip accountable for it if Glip hurts them like they've ever hurt anyone ever. Just in case it's too subtle, Glip's name is scribbled out.

Bugsy wearing a fetching bra

There's more yelling at Sila. Glip/Encore says that when Bugsy acts like their bad feelings are reality, it erases theirs. They then say that that's fine, let's talk more about Bugsy's feelings. Let's make sure the rest of the story is agreeing with Bugsy! Let's see what happens, Glip says.

We go back to Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE. There are two new inmates in the cell of the prison (the channel on the discord, remember), Lily and Neon. No one ever escapes Clear Watching, where angels are held against their will for as long as the judge deems appropriate.

Glip appears and mocks them for being stupid enough to have their identities stolen/raped, especially by Bugsy of all people. Lily and Neon look on and while we saw Glip in a disguise, they see Encore as Encore. They say they've seen this creature in their dreams, overlooking every instance of Schoolyard Disease. Let's do it all again, let's see the tragedy from the top! Encore says. That does fit with what we know about Schoolyard Disease, to be fair.

The narration scolds Lily for not being a good mom, saying that Jupet is off hurting people all the time, with no idea how their mere presence brings plagues into existence. Jupet's getting hurt because they were never told that hurting others was bad, since Lily herself is good at hurting others. Lily feels bad and decides to swear off violence.

Since Lily can't die, there were never any consequences for killing others, so she just got used to it. Lily is upset, telling herself that killing shouldn't be normal, but it's become normal to her. Lily can't tell Jupet that what they're doing is wrong because she can't connect with Jupet's feelings without infecting them with an unnatural bloodlust, and leaves the feelings that Jupet picks up on anyway unexplained. While this is going on Lily is turning into a worm for some reason.

a furry slinky

Lily tries to understand what's happening to her as a constellation (Stardrops rule about reading stars?) appears on her. She must have stolen someone else's identity, she wonders, because why else would someone be stealing hers? It must be her fault and she deserves this, she reasons. She becomes a full furry slinky called Salivent, the cyclic solvent, swearing that she'll solve this problem if it's the last thing she does. Don't know why the saliva theme with her.

Some scribbles yell about victim blaming. I have no idea who they're supposed to be. Glip I assume.

odd equivalence i think

On closer inspection I THINK it's supposed to be Lily talking about being raped and Encore talking over her, but again I'm not sure. Encore goes on with more victim blaming and then says this is boring. Lily screams how this can be boring, and Encore says she's seen this hundreds of times. Lily swears off violence and then kills Neon again. Lily insists that she's changed and isn't like that anymore, and Encore says oh, like all those other times you said you wouldn't kill her? And Lily stays quiet.

Lilyworm writhes in her cell about how no one believes she's changed even though she says she has and how unfair that is. It's disgusting that Lilyworm thinks its intentions matter, someone says, no one cares. The "acid" escapes Lilyworm's throat and she says "why don't you like me" which isn't what she meant to say, and it gets rewritten to "why don't you believe me".

Neon has now merged with Obverse for whatever reason, asking why Lily would think she doesn't like them. Maybe it's because she doesn't like her. I'm not making a joke, that's what it says. It's implied by font though that it might be Obverse saying it and not her.

simple enough

Lilyworm screams "why won't you believe me" while Obverseneon says she does... believe she likes hurting her! Oh! Got you good!! It actually might be Obverse saying that though. They go on to say that they believe they don't like Lily, while what I think is Neon says that she does believe her. There's a bunch of rambling about Obverseneon believing Lily hates her and such and she's scared.

Obverseneon, with the subtitle Obnoxiously Oblivious, gets to a chalkboard to explain how she's wrong. There are more faux mathematics as we AGAIN go to the same theme, where Obverseneon thinks that she must not have been expressing her love for Lily correctly if Lily had to ask in the first place, so the blame is on her. She reasons that Lily is asking because she hasn't actually changed, otherwise she wouldn't ask. Whatever.

Obverseneon laughs about how funny this all is and how they could ever expect Lilyworm to change. "We're just feelings machines" she says, "none of this is real and never has been". Lilyworm also has a stupid face, kind of looks like a playground kiddy ride.

or an indie horror game villain

[beardedmrbean]

"Late Show" host Stephen Colbert issued what he mockingly called a "rare correkshun" after he was rebuked for his swipe toward Republican Michigan gubernatorial candidate Tudor Dixon," but he was not exactly contrite, proceeding to mock him anyway.

During Thursday night's show, Colbert told viewers he had a "weird day" when he saw his own name trend on Twitter. It was because the Detroit Free Press fact-checked his monologue last week when he accused Dixon of fabricating an interaction she had with a voter during a gubernatorial debate, claiming the voter told her he found sexually explicit material in a book from his son's school library. 

That voter identified himself to the Free Press as Khalil Othman.

"Here's the thing, I don't make many mistakes that I'm willing to admit. But when I do, I'm big enough to admit them," Colbert said. "During a debate, she told a story that frankly I doubted."

DETROIT FREE PRESS REBUKES STEPHEN COLBERT'S CLAIM TUDOR DIXON ‘MADE UP’ PERSON CITED IN DEBATE: ‘HE’S REAL'

The CBS star admitted "this very real person" deserved an apology and offered one, but then quickly mocked Othman for the comments he made to the Free Press. 

"This very real person deserves an apology because he says, ‘To claim that I’m not here, I don't exist, I'm not human, that's absolute ignorance.' So I would like to apologize. It is a terrible thing for someone to deny your very existence. Just ask trans people," Colbert told Othman. "Therefore, I, Stephen Colbert, acknowledge that you exist and ask that you forgive me."

Colbert then knocked Othman for telling the Free Press that the host should have "Googled" him before assuming Dixon made him up, since Othman's name is easy to find on social media. 

"OK, fair enough. But I will point out that Dixon never said your name. So what am I supposed to search for?" Colbert asked Othman. "All she said was I had a gentleman come up to me, and he said I found content in my school library describing how to have sex to my son."

"He said that should be enough. So let's Google some keywords from that sentence," Colbert quipped before pulling out a laptop to "Google" him.

LATE-NIGHT COMEDY FLOUNDERS IN RATINGS AS COLBERT, KIMMEL, OTHERS OPENLY ROOT FOR DEMOCRATS, SHRED REPUBLICANS

Colbert acknowledged it was unclear what books Othman was upset about, but found that at an local Michigan school board meeting, there were objections to several books, including "The Lovely Bones," "Push," by Sapphire, and "All Boys Aren't Blue," which Colbert described as "pretty mainstream books."

"I'm a parent and I believe that every parent has the right to be aware of what their kids see and read just like everyone learning about this story has the right to know that as recently as October last month, this guy claimed to be a Democratic politician but switched after he lost his primary and packed up his toys and went off in a huff to support an election-denying, transphobic, COVID-19 conspiracy theorist. What a wonderful example for all of our children," Colbert mocked Othman. 

"By the way, fella, if you didn't know that about Tudor Dixon before you supported her, you should Google it," he added. 

Last week, Colbert pummeled Dixon for sounding the alarm during the Oct. 25 gubernatorial debate on "pornographic" material being found in school libraries across Michigan. 

"Dixon's not the only one worried about this issue. So is this guy she totally made up," Colbert told his viewers at the time.

Colbert then played a clip of Dixon saying, "I had a gentleman come up to me just a few nights ago, and he said, ‘I found content in my school library describing how to have sex to my son.’" 

"OK, fine, ‘that happened,’" Colbert quipped using air quotes.

SUNUNU TELLS NBC'S CHUCK TODD HE'S ‘IN A BUBBLE’ WHILE CLASHING OVER VOTER PRIORITIES AHEAD OF MIDTERMS

Except that did happen, according to the Free Press.

"A Dearborn resident whose existence was doubted by comedian Stephen Colbert during a monologue last week has a message for the CBS late night host: I am real, and so is my switch to the Republican Party," Free Press reporter Niraj Warikoo wrote. 

Othman, a father of five and a former Democratic candidate for state representative who migrated from Yemen nearly 20 years ago, had shared a video on Facebook of the comments he made at the Dixon event speaking out against sexually explicit content found in school libraries.

"I am a proud Muslim American who expresses my values and concerns all the time," Othman said in the video. "Dearborn has been voting Democrat blue for the last decade or two decades. But not anymore. On behalf of myself and my family, I guarantee you for sure that my family and my friends will vote for Republicans."

Dixon knocked Colbert's comments at an event on Sunday, telling supporters, "That's what he said, this story never happened. That's where the Democrats are right now. You don't exist, your stories are not important."

[halkyles]

Buzzing cuts through his sleep. Wally tries to burrow deeper into the covers, squeezing his eyes shut like that might make it stop.

"Mrfwnnnmfwm," Linda says, and smacks him on the shoulder with his phone. The buzzing gets louder. Wally groans and picks up his phone, squinting at the too-bright screen. He drags himself out from the under the covers, splashes some water on his face, and digs through the clean pile of laundry for a bathrobe to ward off the early morning chill. And then decides that since he's up anyway, he might as well run some errands. Wally leaves his phone on the table and slips out, stopping by the bakery to pick up the extra food Darja leaves at the end of her shift. Five goes to Pat and Alex and their three kids, a couple more gets dropped off at other assorted homes, and the rest goes to the soup kitchen. On the way home, he pulls a dog out of the path of a speeding car and takes a detour, dropping her back at her house and leaving her with a note and a muffin. And then he eats the other nine muffins, gets home, sorts the laundry into piles, and finally answers Kyle's call.

"What do you want."

"Wally!" Kyle's voice is rushed and breathless, low like he's trying not to wake someone. Which would make sense, considering it's five in the morning. "I did it. Oh my god, I did it."

"Did what?" Wally's irritation is real, even though his irritation at having been woken up had long since dissipated. "Spit it out. I don't have all day."

"Yes you do," Kyle points out. "Having time is like, your whole thing."

"I'm hanging up."

"No, wait! I did it. I did it! I slept with him!"

Wally flicks through the constantly-dwindling number of mutual acquaintances they have that Kyle hasn't slept with, and then narrows it down to the people Kyle actually wants to sleep with, which barely helps, because it's practically all of them. "You slept with Batman?"

"What? No, I didn't sleep with Batman. How did you even come up with that?" Kyle lowers his voice until it's barely just above a whisper. "Hal. I mean Hal."

"Oh." There's a beat of silence. "Okay? Good for you?"

"Good for you," Kyle mocks, his voice going high and breathy and verging on the edge of panic. "Good for me! Thank you! You're such a good friend, that is exactly what you should say when someone calls you panicking about sleeping with their - with - with Hal for the first time-"

"The first time?" Wally pulls the phone away, staring at it in disbelief like Kyle can actually see him. "What do you mean, the first time?"

"I mean the first time!" Kyle does sound panicked now. "Oh my god. What do I do? This is Hal. I did that! I can't believe I did that."

"You mean you haven't slept with him before?"

"Do I sound like-"

"I mean, I just assumed you were all - I mean, the lanterns were all, you know."

"Seriously?"

At least Kyle's stopped hyperventilating for now. "Well, yeah." Wally wanders over to the fridge and opens it, frowning at its contents. "What's the big deal? So you've added another dong to your belt."

Kyle groans. "You're the worst."

"I'm fantastic." Wally takes out mayo and eggs, and digs through the cupboards for a can of tuna. "I don't get why you're freaking out. You two are both, you know. Free spirited. Sleeping with him won't make it weird."

Silence, from the other end.

"... you made it weird, didn't you?"

"No," Kyle says. Another short pause. "... maybe."

"You need to stop telling people you love them while you're--"

"I can't help it! It just comes out! And now I don't know what to do!" Kyle's voice is slowly creeping back towards hysteria. "You know how Hal is! Do you think he hates me? I made it weird. I made it so weird. I can never show my face to him again."

"I mean," Wally points out, "at this point, he's seen a lot more of you than just your face, so..."

"Oh, fuck you. You're not funny. This was a mistake," Kyle groans. "I should've called Connor."

"No, you should've called Roy." Wally pours the scrambled eggs onto the skillet. "You're freaking out. Stop it. Hal probably doesn't even remember."

"No," Kyle says, "he definitely remembers. Look, the issue isn't that I said it. The problem is that he said it back."

Wally stops stirring.

"And now he won't look at me."

Wally sucks a sharp breath through his teeth. "Ah."

"Yeah."

"Well." He pokes at the edges of the eggs. "I don't really know how to help you, honestly. Have you considered therapy?"

"I'm not the one who needs therapy." There's definitely some bitterness in Kyle's tone.

"No, you definitely do. Hal just needs it more." He takes the eggs off the burner and plucks a big bowl from the drying rack. "Where are you, anyway? I thought you were with Hal. Are you with Hal? If you're this worried about him avoiding you but you just slept with him yesterday, I swear--"

"Shut up. I'm with Guy."

"In space?" Wally frowns. "How are you getting reception in space?"

"Focus," Kyle hisses. "That's not the issue right now! I don't know what to do. Do I say sorry? Do I take it back?"

Wally sighs, dramatic and exaggerated so Kyle can hear it over the phone. "Isn't the issue with what he said? You can't take it back for him."

"So... what? Am I supposed to just let it go? Pretend it never happened? I can't do that." Kyle's voice falls soft, wavering on his next words. "I can't. I can't fuck this one up, too, but I don't know how to not - and what if he didn't mean it? And then what? What if he does mean it and he just - and he just can't do it with me?"

Sometimes, Wally forgets how young Kyle is. "I'm not the one you should be asking," he points out. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"Guy said to give him space. I don't know. It's been a week? Less than a week. Five days or so. He's on a mission right now. I think he'll be back in another week. That should be enough space, right?"

"Two weeks is enough." He opens two bags of bread, and starts making sandwiches for the twins. Growing speedsters need a lot of food. "Just ask him if he means it when he comes back. And maybe don't mention the fact you went to Guy for comfort sex."

"I didn't--! I haven't slept with Guy, either! Why does everyone keep saying that? Do you think we spend all our time in space having space orgies or something?"

"..."

"Don't answer that," Kyle groans. "Okay. Fine. Fine! I'll do it. I'll do the grown-up thing and talk to him." He sounds like he's trying to hype himself up more than he's trying to convince Wally. "I'll be mature about this. God, this sucks."

"I knew you had it in you," Wally says drily. "Good luck, I guess."

"Yeah. Thanks." Kyle pauses. "I guess you're not the worst at this."

"Being married has its perks."

The call drops. Wally starts the coffee machine, and makes sixteen more sandwiches while he waits for the scent to draw Linda out of bed.

"What was that about?" Linda's sleepy voice rasps behind him. Her arms fall around his waist in a loose hug, her chin resting on his shoulder. "League business?"

"Sort of." Wally turns, dropping a quick kiss to her hair. "I'm so glad you're my wife."

[athena-simpingforanimemen]

Something to Consider

Chapter One | Sometime In 2007

Chapters| One Two Three Four Five

Synopsis| Having a special technique that hasn’t been passed down in over a 100 years, you’ve been amongst the strongest since birth but with no clan of your own to clam this technique. It causes the Clans to offer arranged marriages left and right. Overwhelmed parents turn to your aunt's clan and the Zenin’s are happy to step in, in hopes you will pass down the technique down to them.

Whole story contains themes| arranged marriage, angst, violence, death, swearing? sexual harassments(nothing crazy) and of course SMUT. 

Authors note| This is about the road to marrying Gojo, it’s gonna be long and filled with angst because I'm mean. This story starts with the reader being around 11ish. Has a little bit of manga spoilers from vol.8 because it has Toji. Hope you like it. This is written for my two whore best friends. :)

Sitting in the back of a black sedan, the rain and some random talk radio station playing softly. The sounds of the rain on the roof made you sleepy. You let out a sigh, pressing your head against the window, watching as the water droplets race. You had just gotten out of school when you heard your mothers fussing through the thick wood of the front door. Not even getting the chance to greet her, she was already on you about changing into something nice; tossing clothes around in a hurry. Your father on the other hand was calm, casually chatting with you while your mother rushed around in a tizzy.

You didn’t have the time to ask what this was about or why you needed to hurry before your mother pushed you into the car with Suzuki. Suzuki was your personal driver and bodyguard appointed by the Zenin clan. She was always so kind and patient, putting up with your snappy comments and pre-teen attitude. Even when you were being difficult she never got upset with you. You never understood why she was appointed to such a low grade job. She was incredibly strong. What was all the fuss about you and your technique anyway?

Suzuki taking you to the Zenin Estate after school was a common occurrence, usually it was for training but today it seemed more important than just that. You were your parents' prized possession because the Zenin clan convinced them of it. Your parents weren’t sorcerers but your mothers family was long ago. They possessed The Divine Panther, it hadn’t been passed down in over 100 years and by some miracle you got it. The Zenin’s took the opportunity, hoping you would pass it down into their clan but that wasn’t completely up to them. Not like they treated you like you were special. Pushing you so hard to master your technique while most of them looked down upon you. Most likely because your cursed energy was “weird” as Noaya said. Most of the youth are scared to train with you. So why train when everyone is already scared of you in the first place? The Zenin’s didn’t even fully understand your technique or so they say but they knew you were strong. Special grade strong, up there with the six eyes. “But just appearing strong isn’t the same as being strong.” Noaya would always say to you. I’m sure someone older and wiser than him told him that. Those words are far too sophisticated for a boy like him. 

“Where are we even going, Suzuki-san?” you ask, moving your head from the window. 

She looked at you through the rearview mirror as she spoke. “We are headed to the Zen’in residence, they wanted you to attend a clan meeting. Did your parents not tell you?” 

You shake your head, crossing your arms. “No, they were too busy picking out clothes and telling me how to properly greet people, like I don't know how to.”  Shifting your kimono as you grumble. “I’m not even a Zenin. Why do they want me there?” 

“I’m sure they just want to include you.” She smiled in assurance.

She wasn’t wrong, but for some reason you didn’t like the feeling you got. It wasn’t that they wanted to include you in a clan meeting. The clan meeting was about you. They wanted you to marry one of theirs for the gain of power but they weren’t the only clan that wanted it. It was like a bidding war. It wasn’t really up to them, it was up to your parents in the end and the Zenin’s would do anything to sway them their way. A nice home, the best schools, private drivers. It was all just a ploy to get them to agree to an arranged marriage. 

The soft sound of the radio and the rain made the ambiance of the car relaxing, distracting you from the scenery slowly turning  into landmarks you didn’t recognize, the winding road getting more and more wooded as she drove. 

“Well, now where are we going?” You question, bringing your attention up to her. “You’re not gonna murder me right?” 

Your comment makes her chuckle. “No, I wouldn't dream of it!” The car turned into a long driveway. “I forgot to mention I had to stop at Jujutsu High to pick up Gojo Satoru.”

“A Gojo? I thought you worked for the Zenins?” Your little eyebrows furrow as you settle back into your previous position against the window. Looking at the well manicured landscaping as The car comes to a stop outside a large stair walkway that looks like it leads far into the woods. 

“I work for a few people. I have to drop him off for something.” 

“Something? Like what?”

“Well, that is not my business.” She shrugged. 

Your attention was brought to the stairs, watching as a tall, white haired boy ran down the steps with his hands in his black uniform. He looked smug wearing sunglasses in the rain. His cursed energy grew stronger as he approached the car. Your head turned back to the window as he got closer. Seconds later the car door opened. Watching his reflection in your window as he got in. His cursed energy was strong, stronger than yours. You could see him look over at you through the reflection of the car window. 

“Oh man, it's really pouring isn't it Suzuki-San?” He said, leaning forward to greet her. 

He smelled like expensive cologne and hard candies. Almost like he had melted ones in his pocket. Suzuki turned around to look at him with an expression you have never seen. 

“Hello, Gojo.” She smiled, leaning her arm on the middle console. 

Your head still resting against the car window, watching the interaction. Pre-teen angst stirring around your aura. This isn’t worth missing your favorite show and you have to talk to people you don’t really like in the most uncomfortable kimono to ever exist. Now you have to watch Suzuki swoon over this Gojo guy. You had a good feeling he might be annoying, usually you’re pretty good at reading people and he seemed full of himself. The whole thing makes you want to just jump out of the car. 

He leaned back in his seat as Suzuki started driving. He gave off an interesting energy to say the least, intimidating in a way but you felt a childishness that radiated off of him making you assume he couldn’t be much older than you. Not only that, he was texting someone; the clicking of his phone slightly irritating.  Yeah, you weren’t a fan. He definitely was going to be annoying. 

“You shouldn’t run down stairs with your hands in your pockets.” You stated.

Watching his fuzzy reflection pause, his attention moving to you. A smile grew on his face as he looked at you. All angsty and pretending to be uninterested. Don’t think you're the only one who can feel cursed energy and read people. He felt yours far before he got into the car and by the looks of it, you would be fun to mess with.

“Hm and why is that?” He placed his phone in his lap. What an interesting way to greet a stranger. 

“You really don’t know?” You looked over at him with a scowl, only to be met with an amused smile and sunglasses. 

“Nope.” he shook his head. “You shouldn’t start a conversation so harshly. Maybe try with your name next time.”

Oh, another Naoya? Fun. You thought. The way he spoke was like he was mocking you. So smug like you should be grateful to be in his presence and you couldn’t stand it. “You shouldn’t wear sunglasses inside, it's rude, plus it's raining.” 

His eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. “It is raining, good job kid.” 

“Whatever.” You turned away. Mostly to stop yourself from starting something that would get you in trouble. 

“You know.” he pondered, finger tapping his chin. “If you treat people this way, you won't find a husband.” You felt him lean over to you, hand resting uncomfortably close to your leg but moving away would let him know you were affected by his actions and the more you react the more they keep being annoying. You learned that from Naoya.

“Oh, I don’t want one.” You stated, looking at him. “I-um.”  The second part of your snarky comment dying on the tip of your tongue. The edges of his lips turned up into a cheeky smirk, crystal blue eyes and white eyelashes peaking over the rim of his black sunglasses. In all honesty It made you shut up, his closeness made you lose your edge and Gojo ate it up. He noticed how your posture changed ever so slightly, shifting around nervously as you tried to remember your sarcastic comment. Gojo was right, you would be fun to tease. 

“Go on?” He teased, leaning ever so slightly closer to you. You didn’t answer. Scrunching your nose at him. His close proximity made you blush. Why did that make you nervous? It’s not like he was that handsome. (This is a lie, he is very handsome. Unfortunately.) 

“Satoru.” Suzuki’s soft voice cut in, her head shaking lightly as she looked at the pair of you through her mirror. Her expression was sharp as Gojo made eye contact with her. He then looked back at your flush face before falling back against his seat with a sigh. Suzuki’s looks speak a thousand words but she must have known him well for her to address him like that. You were just grateful she saved you, the blush on your face fading while the sounds of talk radio filled the silence in the car.

Your thoughts brought you to the Zen’in clan meeting. You really didn’t care too much about these things, everyone was always so pretentious, always going on about something you pretended to listen to.  Noaya was the worst, of the younger ones that is. Always bullying everyone, especially the girls. He was so vulgar about it too but It didn’t bother you the way he wanted or at least you didn’t show it. Plus it was too much fun to watch his reactions. Boys like him need to be kicked down a peg or two anyway. A/N:(Or be pegged..hehehe)

“Suzuki-san? Do you think Noaya will be there today?” You question breaking the silence. 

“I’m sure he will, why do you ask?” 

“No reason.” you sigh.

Gojo glanced over at you. “Is that your boyfriend or sumin’?” 

“Ew No.” You shook your head. “He calls me a dog or... other things.. So, I bite him.”

“Ya’ one of those weird kids?” He chuckled.

“No. But if you're going to call someone a dog, don't act surprised when they bite you.” You shrug. He was silent, looking at you over his glasses with amusement— you did have a point.

“You’re kinda proving my point here.”

“If you knew him you would understand, he definitely deserves it.” 

“Mhm.” Gojo nodded, turning back to his phone. It was quiet again before he spoke. 

“Well, he's probably just got a crush on you.” 

“Ugh, I hope not.” You say with disgust. “Plus, I don't think you would say the things he says to someone you like.” 

“Like what?” 

“I’d rather not repeat them.” 

The car parking ended your conversation. You had stopping in a part of town you’ve never seen, It was fairly creepy. No bus stops or open stores, just abandoned stores and warehouses. You heard Gojo let out a small sigh before he unbuckled and opened the door, the sound of the rain filled the car as he got out.

“Where are you going?” you ask. “Why are you getting out here? It's creepy.” 

You had leaned over the middle seat to speak to Gojo, looking up at his tall frame as he stepped out. “Wait? Don’t tell me you actually like me?” He said, you could practically hear the smirk on his lips as he spoke.

“No, I’m just concerned for my own safety.” You said, smiling up at him a teasing glint in your eye. He chuckled, straightening his jacket as he bent down to look at you. Your Seat-Belt stretched as far as it could go in to speak with him. And for the second time since meeting him he makes you blush. His eyes locked with yours as he spoke, his tone no longer filled with its usual teasing nature. 

“That's probably a good thing.” He smiled, swinging the door shut. 

[trashiewrites]

Promotion (Soap x Reader)

Word count: 2319

[Notes: I'm so happy to finally have finished this fic! I've been feeling on and off for a while. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Also sorry I have really basic grammar so grammar might be shit.]

-----------------------------------------------

Night lurked over the head of the men and women of the camp. You found yourself looking up to the sky for no particular reason. The stars of tonight shined brightly, they seemed almost hypnotic. You were out of it to not hear someone come by behind you. "Sky beautiful tonight ain't it?" You jumped up at the sudden voice, knowing it was the captain "sorry, didn't mean to scare ya!"

"It's fine captain...." you lightly chucked as splashes of red-tinted your cheeks. You've had a small feeling for the Scottish man. You've been denying it till recently. He's your CO but you know... at least shoot your shot. "Would you like to join me, captain?"

"I would love too" he sat down close next to you. A lovely grin from ear to ear as he stared at the stars too. "What do you see or get reminded of when you see the stars?" You hummed, placing a finger upon your chin as you thought. For a split second, you glanced at the captain...

"Well..." your heart raced at the thought of putting the notation of you liking someone out there. In the end, you chicken out of it. " I see possibilities! What about you sir?"

"They remind me of someone I deeply love." He chuckled as his gaze faced downward. "They don't quite know it yet though..."

"Whoever it is, they should count themselves lucky, sir." You nudged his shoulder, attempting to keep your cool, "you're an amazing person after all!"

"You really think so?" Soap laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck. You nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. Though your chest showed this pang of jealousy. "Say... how about we head to the mess hall? Grab some dinner."

"Of course!" You yelped a tad too excitedly. Realizing that fact you tensed up and smiled nervously "um... Of course, captain..." the both of you stood and began to walk side to side. The walk itself was sweet and littered with small talk about anything. It could be training, people, or even gossip. Yet throughout the whole time you would glance over to the captain. Noticing small little details about him that made your heart slowly melt. His chiseled jaw, his deep blue eyes, the way he laughed and made others motivated. You loved every single thing about this man.

"I wonder what crap they'll give us today.." He held the tent's drapes open for you. "You first~" he mockingly bowed.

"Why thank you, captain!" You walk in after a small curtsy.

"You know you can call me John right? It's off-hours, so I don't mind." You paused in your tracks, processing the offer. You knew no one who ever called the Captain by his first. If anything you found the idea almost disrespectful to him.

"Are you sure sir?" You look at him with a look of pure confusion. He covered his mouth as a laugh leaked from it. Which by all means makes you even more confused.

"Yes, I'm sure. But just on off-hours, ya hear?" He smiled, lightly pushing your shoulder as he walked past you.

"Y-yes, sir!" You both went up getting your MREs. On the side, they had a package of tea bags, the water next to it respectfully. As well there is a brewer with a sign that reads coffee. You, being much more a tea person, gladly took a plastic cup and had your cup. John, on the other hand, had pure black coffee. As you sat down facing each other you could help but notice the stars in his eyes as he glanced at the coffee. If anything it was drop-dead adorable. As you both waited for the MREs to prepare themselves you decided to push what john told you earlier. "So John..." you coughed, hoping to release some on the nerves. He hummed back glancing down at you as he sipped his cup of dirty beans.

"Something on your mind (y/n)?"

"About that person, you talked about earlier. It-the one you love, can I ask more about them?" You glanced down, waiting to get scolded that it wasn't your place to know.

"Sure!"

"Sir, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked it definitely isn't-" you headshot to look at John as you realized the words that exited his mouth. "W-wait... really?"

"I mean, why not?" He smiled ever so innocently, "do you not want to know anymore?"

"It's not that... I just thought that's not really my place." You flash him a nervous smile as well a shrug of your shoulders. "But go on!" Your tone was almost eager, your heart yearned to hear this.

"Well.. she's a beautiful lass. Very strong-willed and kind." His face began to soften, you assume at the thought of the girl. "She just splendid to be around. She's smart, witty, and exceptional clueless..." he chuckled, facing off to the side.

"Do I know her?" You took a bit of your MRE. Which, by the way, was still piping hot. "Hot hot hot!!" You lightly banged the table as you swallowed through the pain. John smiled as he placed a hand upon his chin, pondering the question.

"I suppose you do, they are on the team." This caught you by surprise. You knew this person, and you trained with this person. The thought plagued your mind. Unaware of it, you were eerily silent as a checklist played through your head. John coughed, having taken bites from his meal, "look, you don't have to look further into it but if you do find out, I'll give you a promotion of sorts."

"A promotion? For something like this?"

"You'll see.." John smiled as he took his final bite. "Now I best be off, good luck." He stood, walking away from the table. Leaving you staring into the distance, dumbfounded. As you finished you knew that the other boys were up much later. Roach, for example, the man stays up all the time. Speed walking over to the barracks to see Roach outside on his phone.

"Gary! I have to ask you something!" He looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Sure! What could you need this late though?"

"Apparently the captain like one of the girls, do you have any idea who?" You spoke quietly as to not draw anyone else's attention. Roach was baffled at first at the weird question. Yet that baffled face soon became one that reads 'you can't be serious'.

"You are blind..."

"What do you mean?" You began to think it should be an obvious answer. But there are plenty of women as John described.

"Look... I don't know the captain personally enough to know for sure. But it's been kinda obvious for a while." Roach chuckled as his eyes returned to his phone, "I don't even think I have the balls to tell ya. How 'bout ask the lieutenant? He knows the captain like the back of his hand."

"Lieutenant Riley? Ghost? Do you know how weird that is? At least me and you, ya know, we are the same rank." You clutched your fist together, chills running down your spine at the thought.

"If I tell you, you probably, no, you WILL go ask the lieutenant anyways."

"Just tell me, Sanderson!" You grabbed the man, who is taller than you, by the collar of his shirt.

"It's you dumbass!" You stood there in silence. Some say your soul exited your body for a minute. Roach slowly moved your hands off his collar. "(Y/n)??"

"You're joking..." Roach shook his head. "Where is the lieutenant?"

"In the living quarter last I checked." Roach meekly voiced out, scared to once again get his collar grabbed. You walked in to see the lieutenant relaxing in the lounge area, his head in a newspaper. You quietly made your way over, as well as thinking of what the hell you would ask him. You found it painfully awkward to ask if your CO has a crush on you.

"You need something (y/n)?" He lowered his newspaper ever so slightly, his brown eyes staring coldly at you.

"Uh... y-yes I-I have a... question." You stared right back to him, the heat on your cheeks making you uncomfortable as hell.  He chuckled as he took one last look at his paper, folding it neatly. You could help but think did he already know you were coming here? I mean it wouldn't be surprising, due to the confrontation with Roach.

"Well, go ahead then. Ask away."  His  voice  seemed to mock you, not rudely of course. But it's as if he was teasing you.

"W-well sir, earlier this evening the captain g-gave me a challenge to... to.." you coughed the lump of nervousness in your throat was suffocating. As you once again open your mouth to speak the rest of your statement, Riley's deep voice chimed in.

"He dared you to find out who's he's crushing on, ya?" Your heart sunk down to your stomach. Of course he already knew... you feel the heat on your cheeks.

"Y-yes, sir... gosh this is embarrassing." You faced the ground, glancing up periodically.

"Well I'm assuming you want me to tell you who?"

"W-well sir, I originally asked Roach and well..." you coughed, trying your hardest to grow some balls, "He said it was me. I was just wonder if it t-true."

"I'll tell you two things alright?" You nodded as you took a seat across from him "one, he does. It's been quite obvious for a while. Two, he never shuts the fuck up about you.. god it comes to the point I hate being in a room alone with him."

"O-oh I-I"

"Just hurry up and get together already, that way he stops fucking going on about ya" you nodded did a 180 headed straight off.

"Y-Yes sir!!"

Just after, you sat at your bunk... you couldnt bring yourself to do it. Your mind was still processing it all in. Lieutenant Riley's word echoed in your ears. You yourself felt like you were floating, yet scared. "This must all be a dream, it too good to be true..." you pinched you arm, almost to the point of drawing blood. Eyes squint from the pain, and open to the same scenery as before. "What am I doing?" You stood and went to the mirror, slapping your cheeks. Squeezing your face together ever so slightly, "get yourself together (y/n), this could be the once chance!" You confidently went to the door. "Captain quarters are far... it shouldnt be difficult at all." You walked out briskly, closing the door quietly behind you.

You made steady pace to the captain quarters. You tried your hardest to keep your cool, you werent sure if it was working. Then again, it's rather late there really isnt many people around. You stood in front of the door. You have never been more scared of a door before.  You took a step forward, a deep breath, curling your hand to knock of the door. Before you could even knock the door opened and there stood the captain. "Oh (y/n), what got you out here so late at night?"

"I-I just N-needed..." your body shivered of nervousness, of course he would open the door right before you were ready!

"Look at you..." he spoke softly, grasping lightly at your shoulder. Placing another hand in the open air. "You're shivering like a you've been in the cold for awhile, come in." He slowly leads you in, even if you were at all cold (which you weren't) the heat from your face could probably keep you alive. You look up to him offering a cup of hot tea.

"Captain... I-im not cold..." you took the cup, taking in the aroma of the tea. "but I do appreciate the drink." It was calming actually.

"If you ain't cold, does that mean you're nervous? By what in god name has god cha nervous?" You place the tea upon the coffee table. You knew he was staring at you, yet you could stare back. Rubbing your arm shyly, a small cough to clear your throat. "Oh.... it's that challenge ain't it?"

You nodded, slowly lifting your head to see him. His expression was almost eager, perhaps hopeful? He held his own hands, twiddling with his own thumb. "C-Captain..."

"Please... Call me John." It was almost as he was begging just like a puppy. It took you by surprise but it's what you could atleast do.

"Okay, John," you chuckled. Cracking a small little smirk, butterflies already flying everywhere within you. "I-I like you too, I have for a while. Gosh, saying "like" is just an understatement. I've loved you for a while." You exhaled deeply, the weight in your chest seemingly lifted. John stood, sitting next to you. Wrapping you into a tight embrace.

"Congrats, (y/n). Are you ready for that promotion?" He spoke softly into your ear. Hunger, yearning plagued the tones of his voice.

"J-John what exactly is this promotion?" You moved his head back, cupping his cheeks. He smirked devilishly, slowly moving to cover your own cheeks.

"Well, of course. You're gonna be promoted to my girlfriend~" as he finished his sentence in a deep husky voice. He planted his lips upon yours, holding you close. It was heavenly, you didnt want it to end. His taste was hypnotic, sweet, hungry and full of passion and love. Time seemed to slow down and you couldnt care. Yet reality hit back always too soon. You two separate panting, staring longingly into eachothers eyes. "G-God I waited so long to do that..."

You panted quietly, holding your hand to his cheek. You sat and admired this moment, this moment will never happen again. "Well... I hope the wait was worth it." You laughed, pulling his head closer. Gifting him a small peck upon his nose.

"Oh definitely princess, definitely."

[atsunflower]

Rated: SFW

Author notes: *sigh* for the third time the damned app ate up the tags. This one took me too long and I'm excited for write about my man suna again. This is also pretty different from what I'm used to write, but why not? Please enjoy your reading.

Warnings: cursing, substance usage/mentions, break-ups and me trynna be funny.

I – Cancel me.

Previous || Next

He looked at them with expectation as the beats smoothly faded, indicating the song's ending. 

If he were to be honest, the pair before him was a pain in the ass, but their opinion was that important because, when it came to music, they were the best at it. He felt no shame nor jealousy in admitting it.

"Dunno, the hook sounds like a Vice headline ta me." The bleach-haired male said, hearring the song's outro blaring through the studio speakers.

"Isn't it a Kid Milli reference, tho?" The other asked while munching a chip. He frowned at them, not understanding their point.

"Whatever. You two are no help anyways." Hearring their bullshit, the brunette already regretted this collab. He paused the queued song, turning to the other two with a blank stare.

The twins before him snickered, knowing they successfully hit a nerve. They couldn't help it, provoking Suna was one of their favorite hobbies.

"The song is good, but I gotta tell ya this butt hurt phase of yers is pretty lame." The faux-blond opened his mouth again, spinning around the studio with the desk chair. 

"Fuck you, Atsumu" He snapped, almost giving in to the desire of decking them both on the face.

"Tsumu's right, ya Lil Peep wannabe. Can't believe this break up ended up that bad." Osamu said in mockery, throwing the empty Lay's wrapper at him. He scoffed, disposing the wrapper on the bin before getting back at the screen to look at the FL studio interface.

"It's not that I have a broken heart. I just wanna know what's wrong with my life" He shrugged, blindly tacting over the desk in search of his Juul.

"Yeah Samu, he's just grieving over those fancy ass Dior Jordans. Sunarin is incapable of mundane things like a broken heart." His blond friend was partially right.

Suna Rintaro was many things: alt model, music producer, cloud artist and a decent volleyball player that almost went pro. But if there was something he could never be, it was a lucky man on love matters.

With his fair share of failed relationships, the artist could never pinpoint when things went wrong. It would always be the same: he would meet a girl, they would have a good time and then, the chick would turn out demanding as fuck.

In the end, every single one of them would slap him across the face and leave his life banging the front door shut like crazy — last week, it was Mika who broke things off, but not before setting his limited edition pair of jordans on fire. He would never get over those sneakers.

"Good for him, those kicks were kinda ugly." Osamu said in a bored manner. Suna felt his soul leaving his body.

"The hell, Osamu?" He was ready to fight, deeply offended by the attack at his taste in fashion.

"Yo, you two." Atsumu butted in, checking something on his phone "Y'all are drifting away from our problem."

"That is?" The other brother asked.

"Cheer up Sunarin before he fucks up with the Album." If Suna had the energy, he would kick both Miyas out of his studio "And I gotta the perfect thing. Let's hang out at Akagi's tonight, he just invited us." The already distressed musician felt the soul leaving his body for the second time that afternoon. He was sure both twins wished his death.

"Not a fucking chance. Last time I went there I almost died because of that weird stuff we smoked." 

"Aw, Sunarin, Kita'll be there too." The faux-blonde tried to persuade. The mention of their older, responsible and straight edge friend made Suna look at them with interest. But he needed more, though. Based on the last experience, he didn't have the will to risk his life going to Akagi's house once again. A shiver descended his spine as the male recalled how much he threw up that night.

"Suna, man, I gotta agree with Tsumu. Yer feelings are showing in your music." Osamu said as if he was some kind of genius.

"Isn't art about it, tho?" He deadpanned "Expressing feelings and shit?" He asked, staring them dead in the eye. The males before him shivered because of its intensity. Suna snickered.

"Man says art, but most of his songs are about the Nikes on his feet and the Tesla in his garage." Atsumu mocked "What the fuck?" The blonde barely dodged the moleskine thrown at him.

"Don't chew on me when you do the same, asshat. This is called character development." As unnerving the twins were, he felt a whole lot better in their company "Just lemme produce my sad stuff in peace."

"Cut us some slack, ya dumbfuck. We're just worried about ya." Osamu protested " 'Sides, no wonder no girl sticks by yer side. You know what the chicks find sexy? Seizing the means of production, not yer dumb car."

"You two are so la—" The musician was interrupted mid sentence, startled by the blond figure clutching his phone with enthusiasm.

"Oi Samu," Atsumu's loud voice startled the other two, as he excitedly fisted the air.

"What the fuck?" Suna asked, dropping the Juul on the floor.

"She'll be there tonight." The blond said, looking at his brother with a new wave of joy.

"The fuck? She who?" The brunette frowned.

"Ya gotta go and find out, man." The gray haired twin said with a knowing smile, matching his brother's excitement.

The night out felt somewhat draining. The booze, the music and the company were great, but his lack of energy was a mood killer.

Cheer me up my ass, Suna cursed internally as he observed everyone getting wasted all over the place. He grimaced at the sight, realizing the meeting with the twins was enough social interaction for the day.

He didn't know what's gotten into him. The male knew it wasn't necessarily caused by the break up, but he couldn't help the feeling down.

Right now, life just felt lowkey suffocating. 

Being a public figure meant being under the spotlights the most of time.

People talked.

People assumed.

Media was all over him, ready to catch a scandall.

And of fucking course his name was on gossip headlines. It even occupied a spot on twitter trending topics for a day or so.

"Fuck me." He said before the lukewarm beer went down his throat.

"Sunarin!" He heard Atsumu shouting from his right "I want you to meet someone!" And only now he noticed the blond had his left arm over a girl's shoulders.

Oh, that's the one they were talking about, maybe? the brunette realized. What's the hype, tho? He asked himself, eyeing your figure.

"[Name], this is Suna. Sunarin, this is [Name], best girl ever and the mastermind behind the visuals of mine and Samu's last album" The bleach-haired male said with a proud smirk, ruffling your hair. You were obviously shy.

How cute, the brunette thought.

"Dumbass, don't embarrass me in front of others!" You nudged the Miya with your elbow "Nice to meet you, I saw your name on TMZ last week—" You said beaming and he grunted.

I take it back. Not cute at all, the man internally screamed, not ready to talk about the recent events. He didn't even want to listen to the rest of your speech, your cheery voice went through his ears in a white noise.

"And this makes me really excited for your album. The interview about the collab with dumb and dumber was lit." You continued, the words were genuine and you seemed really interested "And I also relate on a spiritual level because I know working with them is hell."

Oh, she's talking about the album. He realized in relief.

"Yo, I heard good things about you too. The design of their album was hella sick, even though they two suck ass." Suna snickered when he heard Atsumu protesting. You only left out a giggle, joining him on the teasing.

The blond kept ranting about how bad of friends the two of you were.

"I didn't introduce y'all ta gang up on me. Bye, I'm finding another company. Ya two suck." The blonde Miya said, leaving only you and Suna in the sofa area.

"Uh, so…" He drifted off, trying to start some small talk

"Yeah..." You both giggled at the awkwardness "Not enjoying the night?"

"Too much happening right now. Lots of people talking shit 'bout me." He sipped the beer, grimacing at the stale taste of the drink "Hope they cancel me already. So all this shit dies down." Suna looked away, suddenly shy for opening up to a stranger.

"You're a famous guy and the break-up wasn't that scandalous. It'll be over eventually, just beware the sneaker cult." Your amusement was comfort enough. You didn't make intrusive questions about the events and merely joked it off. He felt so worn out by the situation but, at least, your presence wasn't overbearring.

"How is it everyone knows about the jordans?" You shrugged it off, laughing at the distressed face he mocked. Sighing in relief, Suna couldn't deny how refreshing your presence was. Not to be a jerk, but usually, the girls either were all over him or judged every single move he made. You were just that easygoing.

"Well, I don't think you came here to sulk on the sofa all night long. Why don't we join them by the pool and down some shots?" You hopped off of your seat, pointing to the glass doors. All the boys were waving at you two and suddenly, Suna felt a wave of joy run down his body.

Atsumu was right. Best girl ever.

At some point of the night, everything became about you.

All he could hear was the sound of your voice and all the time, his eyes were drawn to your figure. He couldn't figure out a reason for it, but the rapper wasn't complaining either.

A sharp pang at the side of Suna's head broke the trance he was in. Osamu had a shit eating grin on his face, eyeing the ravenette with amusement.

"We told ya so." The younger twin mused whilst he handed a long neck of vodka to the other.

"Stop. This is dumb."

"Yer dumb. But you ain't that dumb ta dare ta mess with her." The gray-haired Miya squinted at him, menacingly pointing the bottle in his hand at the brunette. The latter shrugged it off, opening his drink.

"Nah, I'm good." And he meant it.

But how could he explain the situation he was in?

Lips and hands wandered over the expanse of his skin. Everything was too hot and too good at the same time. Overwhelming, even.

He wanted more, more and more. There wasn't enough of you.

And if it wasn't unfair enough, his body felt lethargic. He was desperate, but couldn't keep up with the rhythm you imposed. Be it the alcohol or the stress, his body gave up and blacked out, even before you could undress each other.

In the morning after, a pounding headache woke him up. Suna didn't dare to open his eyes, but the morning breath fanning over his face was unbearable.

"I can't believe a cutie like you have a stinky breath like this." The complaint came out in a raspy voice, accompanied by an annoyed grunt.

Someone snickered on the other side of the room.

"Man, I didn't know you had the hots fer Samu." Atsumu was somewhere across the room, laughing at him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Hearing the other, Suna's body jolted, dizziness made his head spin in the process. He felt sick in the stomach and the morning light made his eyes sting. "When did I get back here?" The male looked around, realizing he was sprawled over Akagi's floor, right beside Osamu, who didn't even squirm at the loud voices in the room.

"What do ya mean? We never left" Atsumu frowned, uncaping a water bottle he was holding "Ya puked on Kita and passed out. The boys were too wasted ta drag yer sorry ass back home so we all crashed here." The blonde was dumbfounded, trying to figure out how wasted Suna got last night.

Suna wanted to know too. After all, there was no way the events envolving you were a product of his drunk mind.

facts:

• Suna's artist name is yosemite.

• He has a Tesla Model S because of Frank Ocean.

• He takes his Nikes very seriously.

• No, not all of his songs are about the car and the kicks.

• He and the Miya twins got a sports scholarship because of volleyball, but they dropped out of school to make music.

• The three of them created Inarizaki, the label they're making music under. Kita and Aran manage it.

• Both Miya twins are beatmakers and music producers. They recently debuted as artists and now are making a collab EP with Suna, thus Atsumu's concern about the album.

[aliceaddellheidde]

His Celtic girl

A/N: This one is for @youbloodymadgenius 1K celebration. It´s first time I´m doing something like that. I lost my grandfather and bunny while writing so I´m sorry if it sucks.

Prompts in bold.

WORDS: 4869

WARNINGS: 18+, angst, smut & violence (graphic), blood, swearing, death

PAIRING: Ivar x OC (Moko)

DISCLAIMERS: I tried to be historically accurate as much as possible. I don’t hate Christians. English isn´t my first language.

Moodboard by me; pics from internet.

Divider by @firefly-graphics

Moko from Mokosh – Slavic goddess of fertility & water.

Ivar awakes from his long sleep. His head is hurting like Thor hit him with his hammer. He remembers fighting. Saxon's soldier with dagger. Hvitserk in tears. Grey sky. And then dark.

When he opens his eyes he sees wooden ceiling and small window on his left. „You are finally up.” says voice from his right with foreign accent and when he turns his head that way he sees young woman sitting on a chair by fire, mixing something in kettle. He tries to sit but agonizing pain stops him. „If I was you I wouldn't move. I bet your body still hurts.” It does but he will not tell it to that girl. With clenched teeth he pushes himself up, leaning against wall. „Who … ?” he tries to say - his throat dry, voice raspy. „Who are you?” he asks after few moments. „Moko.” She smiles a little, handing him cup. He watches it suspiciously before he takes it and drinks small gulps. „You have weird name.” he snorts. „Says nameless man whose I found on battle field almost dead. With no one around. Forgotten.” „I'm the king of the world! You stupid bitch knows      nothing!” he screams, throwing cup her way, his calmness turning into anger in mere seconds. „Don’t look like king to me.” she shrugs and turns to kettle again. He´s fuming, looking for something to throw at her. All he finds is fur over his legs. Fuck. Did she see them? „Why am I here anyway? You said I was dead. How I could be when I'm here, hm?” he asks with scorn. She said nothing. „Answer me! Where am I? Where is my brother!” He punches wooden bed under him. „I don’t know. My dog found you and I took you to my home. Now I think it was a mistake.” She was standing with hands on her hips. „I don’t need your help! I can take care of myself!” „Go then! I don’t give damn if you do!” she screams, stepping closer to him. He sees red. „At least I will not have to take care of crippled idiot!” He throws himself onto her but she just swiftly moves away from him, hand on sword. He almost screams from pain as his body hit the floor. Yet he stops    himself, spitting blood her way. Then he finally looks at her properly.

She is short, long dark hair falling to her waist, dressed in light yellow dress with golden armoured corset, belt around hips with few small pouches and sword scabbard. Her widen eyes watching him like falcon. He moves again and she unsheathes her weapon. ,,You are not gonna kill me.” he smirks. ,,No, but I can still hurt you.” They are watching each other for few more minutes before she puts sword away, takes cloth from table and cautiously sits next to him on the floor. He flinches when her hand moves to his face to wipe blood away. „Look, I took you here to take care of you. Once you are healed, you can leave. But until then it's better for you to stay with me.” She smiles when he lowers his head to avoid her gaze. ,,Ivar.” he whispers. ,,I'm sorry?” „My name is Ivar.” ,,You have weird name.” He only chuckled. ,,How about you take bath and I finish food? Then we can talk.” He looks at his useless legs and back at her. ,,Oh, I will give you some privacy.” She turns away with flushed face but he stops her. ,,Wait. I ... I need your help.” He already hates idea of her touching him or seeing him naked but he has no other choice. ,,So now you need my help?” she teases. ,,Shut up.”

She goes for water while he is looking around her home. There is big fire pit in the middle of room, on right side of room is wooden table with different knives, daggers, food, plates, bowls and cups. Next to it is longer lower table with wooden benches and flowers on it. On left side is his bed and then hutch with different herbs, flowers, books and bottles. Ivar never saw material like that.

„It´s glastos. Or how they call it here in Anglia – glass.” says Moko when she comes back with two buckets of water. „We are still in Wessex?” „Sussex. But I always wanted to travel around the world. Meet new people and try new things.” „So are you Christian then?” „Oh Gods, no!” she laughs. „You are not Viking either. Then what are you?” He watches her as she is moving around house. She takes few herbs and puts them into tub and then fills it with boiling water. „I'm from old Celtic tribe called Anartes. We lived in Europe. But one day my family decided that we should move and so we did. I lived here with my parents and brother. But they are all dead. And now it´s my purpose to keep our legacy alive. And what about you Ivar?” „I'm Viking.” „Rus´ Viking?” „No. I´m from Norway. How do you know about the Rus?” „My people had deals with them. We   exchanged animals, food and other stuff.” „Have you ever been in Kiev or Novgorod?” „No. But my father was there once.” „They are Christians now.” „Poor people. How do you know them?” „I had to r… . I travelled there with my friend. But then my brother came for me to fight king Alfred. We had some unfinished business.” „You were talking about you brothers in your dreams. Asking one of them for forgiveness. His name is Hvitserk. Am I right?” Ivar is quiet. „I don’t know what happened to him. Maybe they imprisoned him or he died.” „My brother is not dead!” he screams and she jumps a bit. „You don’t know that.” „I have to save him. Like he saved me.” „You are so stubborn! When I found you I thought you were dead but you were breathing still. I took care of you for three bloody days and you are still wounded. Yet you want to go to Winchester and be hero for your brother?” she wasn't screaming but she was angry. „That´s exactly what I want to do.” he half-smiled. „And how? You don’t have an army. You will never break through their defence.” His upper lip twitches in indignation because she is right. „I can´t leave him there. What would you do if it was your brother?” „Saved him.” „See?” „But not if I was hurt and with no warriors.” „Then we will find some.” „Ivar, these people are Christians and they love Alfred because he won over The great heathen army. They will never defraud him.” „We will see about it.” „In few days I´m  going to Chichester. I can ask if someone knows what happened to survived Vikings.” „I'll go with you.” She sighted and checked water temperature. „I have few conditions if you want to go with me.” Ivar rolls his eyes. „What do you want from me?” „You will sit on your arse and will not try to investigate on your own or try to kill anybody. Deal?” „Deal.” „Great. Now come and have a bath.”

„Earlier you said I´m crippled idiot. How did you know?” Ivar asks while he takes his tunic off. „Well, I had to take your braces off of your legs and I saw them.” He frowns at her. „Help me with trousers. But keep your eyes on my face.” he growls. „Is there a problem I saw them?” she asks as her small hands untie strand from around his hips. „They are hideous.” „I don’t really care about it.” Her brown-green eyes bore into his blue ones. „What do you care about then?” „If I and my animals will be healthy and if we will have enough food, water and home. And overall if I will have long, happy life.” „That´s so deep.” Ivar rolls his eyes. „Stop mocking me. I like simple life.” She helps him into tub, avoiding looking at him, gives him cloth and walk back to kettle. „Have you ever been with a man?” he asks suddenly. „Why?” „You are shy. Can´t even look at me when I´m naked. So I assumes you are still virgin.” he has wicked smile on his face. „That´s not something you need to know.” „Hm, maybe.” he smirks. „I also want to know what is all that.” He points on herbal hutch. „That´s my work. I´m making potions, herbal remedies and different things from it for other people.” „Clever girl.” „Yes, I´m.” She straightens her back and he laughs at her. „What did you put in bath?” „Lavender. You can make oil from it and eat it.” Ivar thoughtfully takes herb from water and bits a small bite. And second later she smacks his head. „Not from that dirty water! That´s    disgusting.” „I don’t like the taste anyway.” he frowns. „You didn’t try my lavender cake.” „I need proper food. Meat. Not some stupid cakes.” „It´s almost ready. Better wash your hair and come  eat.” When he goes out of the tub she hands him clean towel and clothes, averting looking at him again. „Virgin.” he murmurs for himself.

Over lunch – deer with plum sauce – they get to know each other. He tells her about his life, family and wars, hiding some details he´s ashamed of, and is pleasantly surprised how excited she is. „My parents taught me and my brother how to fight. My mother was warrior alongside my father.” „I usually had few my the most trustworthy warriors for my protection. I can´t really move on legs but in hand-to-hand combat I´m perfect.” „Maybe we can learn from one another.” „Maybe.”

After food Ivar meets all her animals and she shows him her gardens. Few metres from them is river with small boat. „It´s yours?” „Yes.” „It looks funny. I was on massive ones. My friend Floki built them. This one here is just joke.” „Ivar I swear that if you make any more stupid comments about my things I´ll leave you outside!” „Oh come on darling. You wouldn't do that. Not after your hard work.” He twirls slowly around his stick and bows. „You even put lavender oil into my hair.” He tosses his braids over shoulder. She laughs so much that she misses how he´s looking at her with goofy smile.

*few days later*

Ivar feels movement next to him and sits with dagger in hand. „It´s just me, you idiot.” says Moko, ruffling his hair on way down. „It´s still dark! Can´t we sleep a bit longer?” he shouts after her. „No. Today we´re going to Chichester so you better come for breakfast.”

In those couple of days he lived with Moko he learnt a lot about her, her people and culture. She was teaching him how to speak in her language, she showed him all her herbs and flowers and her knowledge in fighting, manufacture and farming. He wasn´t really fond of all of those things but he liked how excited she was when she was speaking about them or doing them. And if he tries those things too, oh gods, she even hugs him. It felt good.

Ivar is seating in covered carriage, petting her dog and listening to her singing. They travels for hours now with only one break and Ivar needs to sleep but he can´t. He somehow wants to protect her even when he doesn’t know why and how. „We will settle down here. Tomorrow morning we are in Chichester.” Her voice interrupts him from his thoughts. He looks out from carriage into darkening countryside. „Don´t just stare. Bring the chicken and make fire. If your puny regal ass can do that.” she smirks and starts to build a tent. Ivar is used to it by now, nonetheless he is surprised with how much ease she´s talking to him. He did what he could but that damn fire not and not to burst to life. „I thought you Vikings are fearful people and you can´t even make fire. Want some help?” He blames his shaking hands on cold not her presence. She makes fire in mere moments and then put kettle on it. „We will have chicken stew with vegetable and mushrooms. Is it ok?” He nods and watches with dilated pupils when she knocks off the poor bird. „It´s the last time I can have chicken or rabbit before Ostara.” „Then what?” „Bath in spring water, sacrifice hare and chicken but leave eggs for altar. We will have flower crowns and we will sow few seeds.” „Oh no, no. Leave me out of this. I will not have flowers in my hair.” „It will be fun.” „I doubt it.” „Shush and cut this please.”

Ivar sees stone towers and soldiers guarding big gate into Chichester. They are watching them suspiciously until Moko asks them for direction to market. „Don´t forget your name.” she warns him when she´s helping him out of carriage. „Leofric. I know.” he rolls his eyes. „Try to be more nice. Smile.” He turns to her and smile. Then smirks when she blushes. „I will find us room to sleep and you can put things on table. And leave your hood on.” „Gods woman! I´m not a child.” She giggles and walks away.

„We have room for three nights … Leofric, let him go!” Moko rushes to him and tries to separate him from another young man. „He tried to steal!” says Ivar. „I just wanted to see it better.” protests the other man, still with Ivar´s hand around neck. Moko smacks it and he growls at her but let go. „Thank you milady.” The other man tries to kiss her hand but she turns it palm up. „Return that bottle you stole. You may hurt yourself with it.” She waits few seconds and when nothing happens she jumps at poor man, turns his arm behind his back and yanks bottle from his hand. Ivar watches her with awe on his face. „Get off, idiot.” she spat at pathetic man and they both laugh when he runs away.

„That´s not funny Moko.” says Saxon soldier, walking to them. „Osgar, welcome.” „I see you keep up with tradition.” he snickers. „Every year someone tries something. They knows I can protect myself and my stuff but still.” „And you brought some friend.” He looks at Ivar sitting on stool. „That´s Leofric. I´m taking care of him.” „What happened?” „Bear in forest.” Ivar snorts. „I can say God is with him when he found the best healer in whole Anglia.” „Stop it Osgar!” Moko blushes again. „Rather tell me what happened after battle. Last time you didn’t have time.” „There is not much to say. We captured survivors and turned them into Christians. They live in their settlements. Our king trusts them.” „And you don’t?” He smirks. „I kind of envy those whose ran away. You knows my parents were Vikings, right? I live for day I will leave this land and will live like them.” he says quieter and looks around if someone hears him. „Adventurous Osgar. Any news about their kings?” „As far as I know Harald and Ivar are dead. But one son of Ragnar lives with Alfred in Winchester. I don’t know his real name. But his given one is Athelstan.” „Thank you. And what about your family?” „Good. My little girl is fighting with everyone and my wife isn´t very happy about it. My son still has mark on his face. He´s on guard now and I should replace him. See you later.” Day goes well, some of Moko´s customers comes and after sunset they goes to tavern for good night sleep.

„There is only one bed!” Ivar exclaims when they enter the bedroom. „Afraid of sleeping with me?” „What? No!” He puts their belongings on table, trying to calm down his too loud beating heart. „I'm going to have a bath. You will be ok here?” He nods. She disappeared behind the curtain  and he´s listening to her movements and noises she makes when she dives into warm water.

Moko feels water in the tub move. When she opens her eyes she sees Ivar sitting next to it. „What are you doing?” she squeaks. Ivar chuckles. „What does it look like? I have to wash as well. Or you want me dirty in bed?” She sinks more into water, only her head visible. He puts his hands into water again and his fingers brush her calf. She freezes and he smirks. „Your skin is so soft.” And she's blushing again. But both can play this game. „Will you wash my hair, please?” she asks innocently and his hand pauses in the middle of his face, eyes wide, shining. „Are you sure? I never done this.” Moko moves to him. „Please.” She turns her back to him and he clumsily takes her hair in one hand while the other is putting soap on it. Then he moves to her scalp. „That fells nice.” When he's done he smooths it on her back, his fingers lightly touching her skin. „Thank you. Give me a minute and you can go in as well.” She quickly rinses her head. „Close your eyes.” „Why?” „I have to go out and you can´t see me.” „I saw many naked women.” She glares at him over shoulder. „Fine.” But of course he cheated. He watches as she stands up and puts on linen tunic. After that she helps him in tub, she washes his hair and gives him his clothes.

„I said to the owner of this tavern that you are my husband.” says Moko nonchalantly when they are tuck in bed under warm duvet. „What!?” He sits up and frowns. „So we can have same room” ,,You are little minx.” he laughs and move closer to her. ,,What are you doing?” ,,Keeping us warm.” She turns her back to him, hiding her face into pillow. ,,Good night little minx.” he smiles into dark.

They wake up tangled at each other limbs. Moko tries to get up but Ivar´s arms around her are too strong. He nuzzles her hair and murmurs something. ,,Ivar, we have to go and sell otherwise we will have no money.” He groans when he opens his eyes. ,,I'll come later and brings you breakfast.” ,,You better be quick.” She kisses his cheek, throws her clothes on and she's gone. Ivar is still frozen on the bed processing what just happened.

,,I have bread, meat and wine.” ,,Oh, you are saviour! I'm starving.” He gives her plate with a cup on it. ,,Where is your food?” ,,I ate. Have only one hand free.” He waves with his right one and she grins at him. ,,Is it ok if you work until I finish?” ,,Sure.” He sells few pots and potions already when Osgar comes to them. ,,Hello you two.” ,,Good morning. Do you need something?” Moko asks. ,,Just to say you the news.” ,,What news?” ,,King Alfred will come here in five days to deal with Vikings in prison.” Moko sees Ivar stiffs. ,,Thank you. What do you think he will do to them?” ,,Probably gives them an option between conversion or death.” „And do you know if Viking´s prince will come too? I would like to see him.” He shrugs and goes back doing his work. „We need a plan how to get my brother and leave this stupid country.” „You don’t wanna kill       Alfred?” „Of course I want! But as you said, I need an army. I avenged death of my father on his grandfather and now I´ll avenge my own death on him.” „And rule Wessex?” „Maybe?” „Good luck then.” „You will not stay with me?” „I want to explore the world.” „If you will help me with Alfred I´ll give more treasure than you will ever need for fulfil your dream.” She looks at him sceptically. „Really?” „Word of the prince.” „I will think about it.”

„That one next to king on left is my brother Hvitserk.” Ivar whispers into her ear when Alfred comes to Chichester. „You remember our plan?” „Yes.”

They have to wait until next day but when Hvitserk comes to Moko´s stall she's nervous. He's handsome as Ivar but with lighter hair. They talk about different herbs for his problems and then she takes small dagger from her sleeve. „Prince Hvitserk, your brother Ivar wants you to have this.” „My brother is dead. I saw him fall in battle.” „I can assure you he's alive.” „How can I trust you?” „Because she's telling you the truth my brother.” says Ivar from shadow behind her. Hvitserk flinches a bit and can´t believe his eyes. „You are a witch! This is some stupid trick. My brother is dead!” „You see he's not.” Hvitserk slowly walks to Ivar and then he suddenly hugs him with teary eyes. „You fucking idiot! How comes gods saved you?” „They sent Moko. She took care of me.” Hvitserk looks at her and she smiles at him. „Nice to meet you.”

*month later in Winchester*

Ivar is excited all morning as helps Moko with selling. He sees men Hvitserk told him they are their allies when they walks around courtyard. They planned everything carefully. It took some time to collect enough men for attack to Winchester royal villa.

Once the night falls they moves. Quietly under veil of darkness their backups shoots guards on walls and at the gate and they are inside dim corridor. Hvitserk comes out from his hiding spot in kitchen with few warriors and silently they go forward to king´s chambers. His legs hurt and he's cursing on himself because Moko told him to rest during day but he didn’t listen. He sees her in the front of the group with plaited hair, sword ready for fight, serious look on painted face. Beautiful, clever and dangerous. That's what she is. Hvitserk is next to her eating something he stole from   kitchen.

Villa is suspiciously soundless and Ivar is suspicious. He feels it in his bones. It´s several minutes after they killed guards and until now they didn’t meet any more nor there was horn signal. For sure someone found bodies. But they have to do it. Even if it´s trap.

They reach their destination and Osgar goes first. The room is dark, only light from candles elucidate it. Ivar gives signal to his men and they encircle bed. Another signal and they are penetrating it with their swords. At same moment all other three doors of the room open and Alfred runs in with his soldiers, attacking mercilessly. Ivar watches as his warriors die one by one,        outnumbered. „Fight! Fight!” he screams, killing Saxons on his way to Alfred. Then everything freezes as he watches Moko moving between soldiers like air, sword and axe wet from their blood. One of Alfred´s bodyguards cuts her cheek and she stabs him in the neck, decapitating another one with other hand. Now she's face to face with king. What nobody awaits is Elsewith with sword assaulting Moko. English woman cuts her deep into hip when axe, thrown by Ivar, cuts through her back right after. His raging scream encourages his men. He assaults Alfred with blazing fury, maniac urge in the eyes. He effectively disarms young king, cuts his neck, fresh blood splashes him. Ivar throws himself onto Alfred stabbing him with all his power, shouting in old Norse, breathing heavy air with smell of sweat, dead bodies and taste of iron. Surviving Saxons watch in disbelieve and fear before they meet same fate from his fellow Vikings.

Things happens so quickly after that. One moment he is in king´s chamber, then he´s fighting his way from villa and in carriage fleeing into safety. He can feel adrenaline flows through his veins. Hvitserk sits opposite him, covered in blood too. They smile at each other. Moko´s next to him, patching her wound. „We did it.” he says victoriously and suddenly kisses her. She doesn’t protest and he's happy.

Following three months they are travelling and stealing all over Anglia. After that they build boats for way home. Night before their departure Ivar and Hvitserk are sitting by fire, enjoying peaceful quiet. „Will you go back to Norway or you´ll stay with Moko?” asks Hvitserk. „I don’t know what are you talking about brother. Of course I´m going with you!” „Are you sure Ivar? I see how you are looking at her.” Ivar glares at his laughing brother. „She doesn’t want to stay with me. She wants to travel.” „Then I´m gonna tell her i´ll accompanish her.” He turns to leave when a cup hits his head. „Don´t you dare!” Ivar screams. „Why not? She's free woman. Maybe I´ll ask her to marry me.” Hvitserk walks slowly backward with smirk, watching Ivar crawling on the ground as fast as he can to Moko´s tent.  

She walks out of it at same time as they show up. „Hello boys. Can I help you?” „Ivar wants to speak with you.” Hvitserk blurts out and Ivar hits him in the ankle. „Sure. I just need to get some food.” „I will get it. You two have fun.” „Come in then.” Moko smiles at Ivar.

„What you wanna talk about?” she asks, sitting next to him on bed. „Are you really sure you want to leave Anglia? And travel by yourself?” he asks straight away. „We spoke about it. I have small crew, you know.” „I know. It´s just … I don’t trust them that much. I would like to have you next to me more.” „As your friend, bodyguard or …?” „My right hand.” He looks at her. „And as my queen too, maybe?” She´s quietly staring at him and in next moment her lips are on his, her soft body collides with his hard one as they fall on bed.

His hands are on her hips, pushing her more and more against his prick. She takes off his tunic, her fingers grazing his tattoos. „You like them?” She nods and kisses him again. „Have you ever done this?” „No.” „Let me make you feel good then.” He is nervous like never before but also determined to do it right, to show her he really cares about her. His fingers are trembling when he unties her dress and takes it off. She tries to hide from his curious eyes but he catches her hands, kissing them and putting them next to her. „You are beautiful.” He kisses her whole shivering body until he reaches her warm core. When he looks back at her she's watching him already with flushed cheeks. They hold their gaze when his tongue touches her and she lifts a bit from bed. He's not  stopping her, only diving his head deeper. She's making those small noises he knew were good sign. „Ivar.” she moans his name. „I want more.” He hovers over her, kissing her. „If it hurts too much, you have to stop me, ok? I might not be able to control myself.” „Ok.” „Do you trust me?” „Yes.” He pushes slowly in her tight hole and kisses her tears away. „I'm sorry my Queen.” Her nails scratches his back, leaving bloody marks when he bottoms up. He waits few moments, then moves slowly, searching for any clues of her discomfort. None appears. She even smiles at him slightly. „Feels good?” „Yeah, it´s nice.” „Should I move faster, or is this fine?” „I have no idea!” she laughs. „You are the one with experiences.” „Yeah, right.” He nuzzle into her neck, his hips hitting hers as he quickens and she surprisingly pushes against him.

They are lost in their own pleasurable world, they didn’t even notice Hvitserk when he comes with food. He smirks proudly and walks away.

***

„I never thought I will love someone again but it happened.” Ivar smiles in Moko´s hair as they lies under warm furs, her head on his chest. „You love me?” „Yes. You have bewitched me, body and soul. My Celtic girl.” „I love you too Ivar.”

*next day*

A storm comes from nowhere and Moko´s watching as ship with Vikings is burning from     lightning strike. „Can´t we help them somehow?” „I'm sorry my love. They are probably all dead by now.” But much to his own surprise he can see some men jumping into the sea. „If I´ll die saving those idiots, I´m going to annoy you in Valhalla forever.” „And I will enjoy every second of it, my king. Now go and be a hero.” He kisses her briefly and then shuts orders. At the end they saves ten men but loose control over own boat.

***

„Land! Land!” Ivar hears shouting and stands up to see if it´s really true. „Not really how I imagined my travels but it´s still new land to explore.” Moko says next to him, hugging him. „Our new start my Queen.”

She turns in his embrace as they are looking towards their new adventures.

[mobius-prime]

271. Sonic Universe #4

The Shadow Saga (Part 4 of 4): The Ultimate Lifeform

Writer: Ian Flynn Pencils: Tracy Yardley! Colors: Jason Jensen

Before we get started, it's important to note that this issue likely takes place a short time after the upcoming two issues, but for the sake of continuity as well as plot pacing, I've decided to cover this one first, especially since it doesn't overlap with the events of the next two issues at all. Shadow and Rouge are suited up and ready to go into the Special Zone in search of another Chaos Emerald, and Shadow is unconcerned, as he thinks the mission should be fairly routine. They're teleported into the zone by Hope's device, and sure enough, the giant freaky panda god Feist is there, ready to test some mortals for funsies in return for a Chaos Emerald.

Feist cackles and says that since he creates the rules of this zone, Shadow's own powers won't work, as even if he's the "ultimate lifeform" Feist is a god and therefore holds power over him. Shadow and Rouge quickly start trying to navigate Feist's little maze, using their respective strengths to dodge obstacles, but Feist has deliberately set them up for failure, and laughs at them as they run out of time just a moment before Rouge can grab the green Chaos Emer- wait, what? The green emerald? That one was already retrieved from the Sol Dimension! For whatever reason, Jason apparently completely forgot that not all the emeralds are green anymore, and miscolored this one, which was intended to be the red one. Ian handwaved it away later by saying Feist made it look that way to confuse them or whatever, but the color was also quietly corrected to red in future reprints, so it clearly wasn't intended. Anyway, Shadow and Rouge are booted out of the zone without their prize, much to Hope and Commander Tower's shock.

Okay, first of all, Tower, there's literally no need to be an asshole about this. There were already problems just getting into the Special Zone in the first place, it's downright idiotic to think it would just be a total piece of cake to retrieve one of the emeralds within after all that. And second of all, for goodness' sake, Shadow, stop blaming yourself for goddamn everything! Oh no, you didn't immediately succeed at everything you've tried! Ultimate lifeform or not, you're still an ordinary sentient being with ordinary sentient thought processes. Shadow, moping and upset, heads to the facility's gym and begins beating the crap out of Omega, who is surprised and makes a weird comment about how it's he who "usually" comes to Shadow for sparring practice. I'm… a little baffled at this comment, honestly, because it makes it sound like Omega's been around for a while now and he and Shadow regularly beat each other up, even though the very last issue implied that this issue's story is taking place like, the day after recruiting him. But anyway, Shadow dodges all of Omega's questions and attacks, while Omega rather tactlessly points out that now that he's received his clearance for duty, he can come with them on their next mission and blast Feist for them. This pisses Shadow off, and he stalks away to find a quiet spot near the top of the base.

Oh, speaking of which, has anyone been wondering where GUN is actually based? We know they're part of Station Square's security force, but multiple past issues have made vague allusions to the United Federation having more than one territory around the world, and generally being a lot bigger than it was previously portrayed as being (remember when the Mobians and entire outside world didn't even know Station Square existed? Ah, the weird old days). Well, here we get a clue as to where this GUN base is located. Shadow is moping at the top of the mountain that houses the base, and Hope appears there too, surprised to see Shadow as she'd thought this was her own personal hidden thinking spot. She tries to make conversation, enthusing about the view and how "On a clear day, you can see all the way to Soleanna!" I've already noted that Sonic '06 technically took place, if you can call it that, in the comics universe, so obviously Soleanna would have to exist as well. My point here is more about the location of Soleanna. The aesthetic of the kingdom's capital city is vaguely Venetian, indicating it's probably located somewhere analogous to modern-day Italy, so for it to be visible from the top of this mountain, this GUN base would have to be somewhere in Europe. Because I'm extra, I took a look at the position of these two relative to the sun in the background, and if we assume this scene takes place in the afternoon, then the base would be somewhere north of Soleanna - so if Soleanna is indeed located on the coast where Italy currently, then that all checks out nicely. Just a fun fact for y'all!

Anyway, I'm getting way too into the small details here. Hope, noticing that Shadow refuses to make conversation despite her efforts, tries to comfort him, but Shadow just insists that since he's the ultimate lifeform he's not supposed to fail. This is, of course, ridiculous, and Hope points this out, adding that in her opinion he hasn't failed as badly as she has. She tells him the story of how Snively encouraged her to leave Knothole and how she feels too guilty to go back after its destruction, which rouses Shadow somewhat, becoming concerned when she starts to cry. He tells her that leaving was hardly a failure, that she had no way of knowing what would happen and that it wasn't a bad thing to want to push her own boundaries by exploring her role in the world. She smiles and fires back that he can't blame himself for his own failures then, and points out that in the end his "failed" mission was actually excellent reconnaissance and that now that he understands better what he'll be facing, he's just set himself up for future success. This makes Shadow pause, as he's obviously not thought of it like this before.

Now that is how you write a Shadow. It's weird when people try to characterize him as this edgy, brooding, angry violent character who would never allow himself to be soft or emotional. Sure, he has an ego that he has to protect, and he likes to show off how tough he is on occasion, but Hope's analysis here is accurate - he's literally an eternal teenager who's just trying to figure out where he belongs in the grand scheme of things. Furthermore, Shadow the Hedgehog is great with children and no one will ever ever change my mind on this. So there.

Soon after their talk, Shadow, Rouge, and Omega have gathered at the teleporter for their next foray into the Special Zone. They've christened themselves "Team Dark," something which Rouge and Hope both seem a bit baffled at but which Tower seems to think is apt. They make it back into the Special Zone, and when Feist gloats at them for coming back for another round, both Omega and Shadow become riled, wanting to go on the offensive, though Rouge holds them back. Feist conjures up another challenge for them, this time in the form of a weird 3D-cube-maze-thing, and mocks them as they do their best to find the center. They eventually end up in a chamber with spikes at the bottom and the Chaos Emerald at the center, but Feist covers the emerald with a bunch of multicolored, useless gems, giving Omega the chance to use his beloved guns to blast a hole in them, giving Shadow an opening.

Feist, you're a real asshole, you know that? He brings them back to his sphere… platform… thing to mock them some more, and Omega begins begging for the chance to pursue "Plan B" like an excited child on Christmas. He's delighted when Rouge gives her permission, and immediately launches half his weight in ammunition into Feist's face, having to be literally dragged away from the screaming panda by Rouge to prevent him from standing there and firing at him for the rest of the day.

Woo! Go Team Dark! Hope hugs Shadow and congratulates him, and Tower is similarly pleased, accepting the emerald from his agents and eager to make GUN a "force to be reckoned with" with the power of their two emeralds. Normally, that statement might set off a few red flags, especially concerning these guys' history of, y'know, murdering innocent terminally ill children who get in the way of their bullets, but luckily fifty years has been enough for them to change for the better (I sincerely doubt Shadow would ever agree to work for them otherwise). This issue ends with a single page teasing the next arc of SU, featuring an adult Knuckles and Julie-Su getting ready to leave on some kind of trip and trusting their daughter Lara-Su to take over things while… they're… oh for the love of Chaos, this again?! We're really going back to the future? Only this time, it's thirty years into the future instead of twenty-five. Ugh, I wanted to be done with this AU, but I guess we're careening right back into it… But first, of course, the two-part finale to the sixth era of the preboot, the shortest era so far!

[bl4cklabyrinth]

Live Report: MY FIRST STORY TOUR 2019 Semi-Final at Kobe World Memorial Hall

Disclaimer: Take note that all of these reports were translated by ear, so there is no assurance of accuracy. Because of this, please do not retranslate my work. I am no Japanese or English native.

I am only reposting the relevant MCs from my Twitter thread for archive purposes. Please check my tweets to read more about my thoughts on the show.

Photo by Takashi Konuma | Taken from MFS’ official Twitter

Setlist

SE

不可逆リプレイス

Black Rail

ブラック・スワン

花-0714-(Re:arrange)

monologue

虚言NEUROSE

KING & ASHLEY

mine

君のいない夜を越えて

終焉レクイエム (Acoustic ver.)

Love Letter (Acoustic ver.)

LET IT DIE (Acoustic ver.)

Band session

無告

Missing You

Weight of my pride (Pay money To my Pain cover)

MONSTER

絶体絶命

ACCIDENT

モノクロエフェクター

REVIVER

With You

Encore

THE OVER (UVERworld cover)

LET IT DIE

ALONE

Story about Weight Loss

Hiro: Anyway, this has no relation (to the acoustic session) whatsoever, but didn’t I get super thin?

Kid’z: You did! Tell us more! You really did lose weight! Nob too!

Hiro: We declared during Hall Tour that we’d lose weight within one month, but we couldn’t do it. We made a promise though, didn’t we? I did my very best, you know?? I seriously gave it all I got!!

Kid’z: I’ve been avoiding carbs for a long time, and even tried diligently apportioning my meals and stuff like that. But before I knew it, I was already eating curry!

Crowd: *laughs*

Fan: How much weight did you lose?

Hiro: I dropped 6 kg.

Crowd: Ohhh! *claps*

Kid’z: That’s a lot!

Hiro: Amazing, right? On the contrary, I’ve always been fat.

Kid’z: No, seriously.

Hiro: I lost weight so that I can get fat again. I want to get fat so I lose weight. When I’ve lost weight, I’ll gain weight again. It’s a never ending cycle.

Kid’z: Don’t leave it as it is!

Hiro: I get told that all the time. I mean, I’m gonna gain weight before METROCK again anyway.

Kid’z: Isn’t METROCK great though?

Hiro: Can I say this? Why do they hold festivals at such a season?

Kid’z: Because (the weather) is cool? I once thought Doraemon was the one singing.

Hiro: Who you calling 123 cm tall?

Kid’z: Nobita-kun.

Hiro: I’m not the blue geezer.

Kid’z: He isn’t a geezer!

Hiro: He’s a geezer, isn’t he?

Crowd: *laughs*

Hiro: Generally, we release a CD around spring or summer. Then we start tour around autumn, right? From the beginning of fall, Hiroki starts losing weight. Little by little. Then, year end starts rolling in. By the end of the year, tour ends, it becomes production season, and eating Hiroki comes out. Hiroki enters hibernation, just like any other large mammal.

Kid’z: You need to stock up, right?

Hiro: Yep, so I can get through winter. Then it becomes spring again. METROCK is waiting for me, but I don’t want stocked-weight-from-hibernation-at-its-max Hiroki to be exposed there! Why do I keep getting told I got fatter or thinner every time?! Leave me alone!!!

Kid’z: But you did your best, right?

Hiro: ...Yep.

Kid’z: Good job.

Crowd: *claps*

Kid’z: How about Nob? How are you doing?

Nob: I lost 5 kg.

Hiro: You lost weight only because you were sick, right?

Kid’z: Because his tonsils were taken out.

Nob: I haven’t gotten my sense of taste back up until now.

Hiro: Don’t let yourself lose one of your most important senses!

Nob: Some time ago I had pickles and it was the best.

Hiro: What an old man.

Story about Poor Kid’z (figuratively and literally)

Kid’z: This story has no relation to anything we’ve talked about so far, but you (Hiro) started an IG account, right? During Hall Tour. Since then, you did a lot of things to me, like that game with the paper cups and the 10,000 yen you put inside one of them, which I played along with having good intentions in mind. I chose the right cup and you gave me the bill, but you revealed that there was 100,000 yen in the other cups.

Hiro: Yep.

Kid’z: ...I tried that with a friend. I was caught. 100,000 yen.

Hiro: Eh?? They made a winning move, huh.

Kid’z: I was like, “Oh no, what should I do?? Should I take it back?” I wanted to be able to fool someone, to get a taste of how it feels! So I started turning the cups around thinking I could do it like you did. When it was time for them to pick, my friend chose a different cup, and in my head I was all, “No no no, not that!!!” and eventually they got it...

Hiro: That person probably saw my IG post and thought you were an idiot.

Thoughts on Marriage

After Love Letter, Hiro and Kid'z talked about being excited yet nervous to play the next song, since it's been a while since they last played it.

Kid’z: Speaking of which, the person beside me seems to be nervous!!

Nob: *rubbing his palms on his pants*

Kid’z: Can I do a hand check? *touches Nob's palm* It's all sticky!

Hiro: Eh? You're scared of making a miss again? Like in Yokoari? Higedan. Ah! Speaking of which, Satoshi-kun got married! Congratulations!

H&K: *congratulate Nob*

Hiro: Eh? Official?

Kid’z: This is Unofficial.

Hiro: Ah, sorry. Unofficial. He got married, huh... There's been a crazy marriage rush recently... 

Kid’z: Yeah, it's been all over LINE NEWS lately.

Hiro: Right. back number, Higedan, Maple Chogokin.

Kid’z: You're mean for putting Maple Chogokin as last!

Hiro: No no no. *laughs* The marriage rush is insane, right... Right... Insane right... 

Fan: Do you want to get married?

Hiro: ...I don't wanna get married. 

Crowd: Eh???

Hiro: Do you? Someday, I assume. As for me, I don't wanna get married at all. 

Kid’z: *in a teasing tone* Is it because you don't have a partner?

Hiro: *taunting tone* Ha? Ha? Ha? What the hell are you saying, you.

Kid’z: Ah, sorry we had a little quarrel.

Hiro: Let's get a divorce first!

Kid’z: What the hell is this breakup!

Poor Nob

Photo by Takashi Konuma | Taken from Hiro’s IG post

Hiro: Anyway, are we good? You (Nob) still seem nervous. How are his fingers?

Kid’z: They're tender. 

Hiro: If I had to play it in a room like this, I'd be pissed.

Nob: *strums a tune*

Kid’z: It's that song!! It's definitely that song, right? Can you do it, Nob bear? Are you alright? You practiced last night without sleeping.

Kid’z: Give him your support.

Crowd: Cute!! You can do it!!!

Kid’z: The pressure on you is rising, huh.

Hiro: *in an old man voice* You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!

Kid’z: Eh? What was that voice? Father?

Hiro: *taunting tone* Ha? What the hell are you saying. Who you calling father, come home and I'll kill you.

Kid’z: Ah, sorry. Father, I apologize.

Hiro: to Nob You okay? Dududadududa~ (T/N: the intro of LET IT DIE) The last song for the acoustic session. Please listen, LET IT DIE.

Then, Hiro crouched down from his seat and kneeled, looked at Nob closely, and so did Kid’z. Nob stared back, aced the dududadududa intro and everybody clapped for him! However, Nob made a mistake towards the very end, playing the last string of notes twice. When they were walking back to the main stage, Hiro put his arm around Nob and teased in a mocking tone, "Hey, in LET IT DIE, in LET IT DIE, hey, during the acoustic set, hey, I was satisfied with the beginning, but in the middle of the song, hey, you made a mistake, right? Even if you were doing so well." When they got back to the main stage, Nob bowed down in apology.

Weight of my pride MC

Hiro: Your voice has been heard! There were a lot of requests for PTP, and in my heart, PTP is my eternal hero. It shouldn't be just us; so that he can also hear your voices, shout as loud as you can Kobe!!! Next song is called Weight of my pride!

Check out their version of the performance at Saitama Super Arena here:

モノクロエフェクター MC

Hiro: How are we doing Kobe? I thought everyone in Kobe could handle it, you know? Aren't y'all drinking too much milk tea? Your nipples are gonna become tapioca if you drink too much milk tea, you know? Well, if you're sure you're not drinking too much then you should be able to handle it, so let's all dance together!!

Reviver MC

Hiro: Thank you so much for today! It's been a great day, I'm really grateful. I've always been alone. I've lost so many people I didn't want to lose, and I've let go of things I didn't want to part with many times. I might not be able to change the world with music, but because of music, I met the members, I met all of you, and it made me think that my life was pretty impressive. I want to believe it was my destiny to meet all of you here tonight, so let's keep walking together Kobe!!!

With You MC

Hiro: Thank you so much for today, Kobe!!! After this, the tour will be ending soon. Thinking about it makes me sad, but knowing that you will all be supporting us next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and even after 10 years makes me feel very grateful. But there's one thing I want to say before today ends: Kobe, I love you!!!

THE OVER MC

Hiro: How was it? MFS' UVERworld. Did I become Hiroki∞? This song was really difficult. The way the lyrics jump, especially during the part before the last chorus.

Kid’z: I didn't learn that note.

Hiro: *emphasizes the difficult enunciation of a line from the song* Unbelievable, I had a hard time remembering it.

Kid’z: The instruments were tough, too. Even Nob was complaining, there were notes he had never seen before.

Hiro: I couldn't match the timing of the lyrics either. I had to enter at an exact time, 3 characters in one second!! If MFS were to do it, we'd go with a lower key.

Kid’z: You say MFS but it's your key, right? Your voice is hella loud you know.

Hiro: It's because if I'm alone, then it's not MFS.

Kid’z: Nah, we were able to match the key, but only you can sing it that high, right? (T/N: They seemed to have raised the key by 2 octaves)

Hiro: You guys thought the cover song was only Weight of my pride, didn't you? You're wrong! We did UVERworld but we received many other requests. There were a lot of PTP songs in the tags. Who else was it... Sheena Ringo, Oral, and King Gnu too.

Kid’z: Weirdly enough, B'z was highly requested too. 

Hiro: It'd be weird if I sang their songs.

Crowd: Sing! Sing! Sing!

Hiro: 萎えぇぇ！萎えぇぇ！萎えぇぇぇぇー (T/N: Nae is Japanese slang that roughly translates to “no” or “ugh” in this context) Wait a minute. Change the song.

Kid’z: *offended tone* Huh?

Hiro: Well then, sing a line that starts with A!

Hiro: You're an Ultra Soul Idiot. Do you know any other song apart from Ultra Soul?

Kid’z: Of course I do! Don't you? All of you? I love them more than anyone else, I'm even in the fanclub! こいよ！！

Kid’z: *sings a B'z line that starts with A*

Hiro: Gi!

Kid’z: Gi? *sings a line that starts with Gi* I told you, I can do anything.

Teru: Yu!

Kid’z: Yu? YUME JANAI ARE MO KORE MO SONO TE DE DOA MO AKEMASHOU, SHUKUFUKU GA HOSHII NARA KANASHIMI O SHIRI HITORI DE NAKIMASHOU, SOSHITE KAGAYAKU ULTRA SOUL!

Crowd: HEY!!!

Hiro: Oi, Teruki!! Why did you say "yu"?! You should've let him build up first before making him sing "yu"!! It was too early to make him sing that as the third song!

Kid’z: It felt really good!!

Hiro: Why did you say "yu" so quickly?!

Teru: I just made a mistake.

Hiro: Don't be an airhead!!

Kid’z: I'm really grateful!

Nob’s Redemption Arc

After their UVERworld cover, Hiro asked the audience what they should do next. The crowd started screaming different songs, to which Hiro said "I'm seriously fine with anything." Nob suddenly played the first three notes of LET IT DIE, to which Hiro said, "Ah, from earlier?" Kid'z said, "He made a mistake a while ago, so let's give him another chance." Then Nob started practicing. The crowd screamed, "You can do it!!!" then Nob walked towards the center stage and did a moonwalk. Hiro was all, "You can't do it, you're not Michael Jackson!" then sang a MJ line and howled his signature "Woo!"

Final MC

Hiro: Today was truly an amazing day, thank you all so much. We had such an intense gathering here at Kobe World Memorial Hall. The first Coming Kobe was also held here. We have so, so, so many memories here in this place. Right now, we're still on our way to reaching our dream. From hereon, we don't know if we could make such a big dream come true. We still have a long way there, but we're doing our best every year, making music for everyone and visiting various places as well. Next year, and the year after that, and even after 10 years, it would be nice if we could all make amazing memories together. Thank you so much! We're definitely coming back, Kobe!!

Photo by Takashi Konuma | Taken from Hiro’s IG post

[sunken-standard]

Hello are you still taking requests? 5,7 and 93, please. Ignore this if you aren't :) thank you.

So this starts out one way, and then ittook a turn and I just… let it.  Because life does that.  Andbecause I need to stop erasing and rewriting everything I put down. So yeah.  It’s not in any ‘verse, though it could be a newone—Shit-We-Won’t-Tell-The-Grandkids 'verse, maybe.

“What do you mean you’releaving?”/ “Please, I’m begging you.”/ “I oweyou what?”

“Sorry, I’ll only be a second, Ijust need to grab a—is that my razor?” Molly stopped shortbefore she got to the medicine cabinet.

“Well I was hardly going to ruinmine just for my legs.  The blades cost £4each.  You’re dripping, by the way.”

“Bollocks,” she said, puttingher hand over the sink while she opened the medicine cabinet.  Shereally should keep plasters downstairs in the kitchen, since that waswhere most of the injuries in her flat occurred (very few of themactually hers), but it just felt weird and wrong to do that.

She heard the sounds of Sherlockgetting out of the bath behind her and clamped down on the urge tolook; she’d seen him naked a million times before (she was a doctor,not a woman, and modesty was for other people anyway) butnever with shaved legs and she was a bit curious if he’d gone anyhigher.  She was really a terrible person.

“Why are you bleeding so much? Did you hit an artery?” he asked, peering down at her hand.

“No, but I did take off part of mythumbnail with the cheese grater.  Don’t worry, I picked it out ofthe cheese, so no one’s getting any surprises on their pizza.”

“Shame, it’d be a bit like findingla fève in a King cake.”

“King cake.”  It rang a bell,but wasn’t something she could ever recall having.

“Mm.  French thing, for Lent. They put a figurine inside a cake and whoever’s lucky enough to findit gets to be king for the day.  Hardly worth the dental work, butthat’s the French for you.”

“Ah.  So was that for some case inFrance?” she asked, watching the blood swirl down the drain asshe washed the wound.  She always thought it looked pretty.  Andthat’s why they don’t let you out of the morgue, she thought toherself.

“No, family.  Fully one quarterFrench on my Mum’s side.  And Catholic, to boot.”

She turned to him with an expression ofmock-appal.  "A Papist?  The horror.“

He smiled softly as he looked down atthe plaster he’d grabbed, peeling the paper tabs off the sticky part. "I was even baptized Catholic, as far as that goes.  And I cansay the Rosary in seven different languages.  Came in surprisinglyhandy when I was in Eastern Europe.”  He used gauze to dab awaythe blood that continued to well up from the wound, then gentlyapplied the plaster.

Her breath caught at the weird, casualintimacy of the moment; she wasn’t used to being the one patched upand if she did need it, she always just did it herself.  She soughtdesperately to cover the things it was pulling out of her; she wasafraid she might do something stupid like kiss him.  "So whywere you shaving your legs?“ she blurted.

"Why do you shave yours?  I likethe smoothness,” he said with a straight face, then cracked intoa smile.  "It’s for a client.“

"What are you, Pretty Woman?”

“That remains to be seen, but onehopes.  When’s the last time you’ve been to a drag show?”

“Why would you assume I’ve everbeen to a drag show?”

“Jim Moriarty, with whom youwatched Glee, was your boyfriend and you’ve gone tothree gay weddings in the time I’ve known you.  Your femininity andsexuality are completely non-threatening and, work attire aside,you’ve got a strong sense of personal style.  Of course you’ve beento drag shows.  Also, I’m going to need help doing my make-up.”

The desire to kiss him evaporated andwas replaced with the desire to throttle him instead.  She settledfor a scowl.

*

“Well, I mean, Cher is kindof a cliche,” Molly said, following him to the bar.

“I don’t even know who Cher is,”he complained, gesturing to the bartender to get his attention.

“Of course you don’t.  Have younever been to a fancy dress party?  There’s always that one couplethat goes as Sonny and Cher because it’s 'retro.’  Though, I mean,more in the 90s than now, but old people still do it.”

“Wouldn’t know, I delete alltraumatic experiences.”

She rolled her eyes and ordered herselfa double bourbon on the rocks and got Sherlock something neon pinkwith a crazy straw.  He might delete it later, but she was going toenjoy that memory for a long time.

“Molly?!  Molly Hooper?!” Oneof Beyoncé’s back-up dancers appeared at her elbow.  "I knew itwas you!  I’d never forget that nose!“

She struggled for a second to place thevoice with a name, and then it hit her.  "Bassie!  How areyou?” she gushed, a reflex.  Sherlock cleared his throat.  "Oh,right, Sher—Shireen, Bassie, Bassie, Shireen.  I used to go outwith his flatmate Jim,“ she said, lifting her eyebrows toemphasize.  Sherlock stiffened next to her, then relaxed.  After all,it was five years ago and Sebastian had been cleared of anyinvolvement straight away, so it wasn’t like he was any kind ofthreat.

Bassie put his hand to his ample bosomand made a sad face, obviously in memory of Jim, then reached out toher, eyes and mouth going wide.  "Oh my God, though, do youbelieve it?  You did hear about it, right?”

“Saw it in the paper.  So sad,”she said as convincingly as she could.  

“I think he’s still outthere somewhere.  He always said he wanted to go to Thailand, I betthat’s where he is.”

Sherlock choked on his cocktail.  Sheand Sherlock were two of the only three people alive that knewexactly where Jim Moriarty was, and it was definitely notThailand.

“I wish he’d call me, I’d fly outfor drinks.  Any excuse, yeah?” Bassie went on, then winkedtheatrically.  "He was so down after you two split.  Oh my God! Did you know?“

She tittered and sipped her drink,aware that Sherlock was watching her like a hawk.  "Nope. Didn’t even know he was gay, let alone a criminal mastermind, hehheh.”

“Gay,” Bassie rolledhis eyes.  "Jim was above labels.  Unless it was Westwood orMcQueen, I am I right?“  He glanced behind the bar.  "Gotto dash, sweetie, I’m on again in ten with Lady HaHa and getting intothe latex to be one of her little monsters is murder.  Stickaround til the end of the night.  Please, I’m begging you.  I’m doing'This is My Life,’ never a dry eye in the house, you’ll die.  Textme, we’ll do drinks sometime.”

He was gone with a flurry ofair-kisses, leaving only a cloud of hairspray and Chanel in his wake.

“He’s really not that campy inreal life,” she said.  She remembered him as pretty reserved,actually.

Sherlock let the crazy straw drop fromhis lips, leaving a smudge of lipstick on the plastic.  "Mm. Wouldn’t imagine he’d get very far in civil engineering if he were. You never mentioned—"

“Isn’t that your client overthere?” she deflected, pointing to a random stranger.  There wasa lot she never mentioned about Jim, and it was going to stay thatway.

“What?  Where?”

*

“Oh bugger,” she said whenthe song changed.  It was a drag club; it was bound to happen.

“What?” Sherlock asked,perking up, no doubt on guard for another surprise social interactionor something actually related to the case.  "And why is everyonelooking at me?“

"The song.  It’s Cher. It’s like Rocky Horror, they always do something special for thevirgins.”

“How do they know I'm—”

She ignored him, swigging the rest ofdrink and slamming the glass down on the bar.  "Alright, let’sdo this.  You’re going to owe me.“  She took Sherlock’s wristand pulled him into the middle of the dance floor.  She wouldn’t beany kind of assistant if she let his cover get blown because he was acomplete knob that didn’t know a single song written after 1920, withthe exception of (and God only knew why) Ringo Starr’s discography. Besides, standing around all night in a club full of good-looking,well-groomed men that wouldn’t grope her or press theirawkward boners into her arse was just a wasted opportunity.  She’ddrink away her embarrassment later.

"Wh-what are you doing?”

“It’s not what I’m doing,it’s what you’re doing.  This song is for you.  Startdancing and act like you’re having a good time,” she shoutedinto his ear before she let go of him and went for it.

She felt like the hero in an actionmovie, running through no-man’s land and drawing the bad guys’ firewhile the other part of the team did the thing to save the world. She channelled every liquor-soaked night out after a bad break-upthat she could actually remember as she belted out the opening linesof 'Believe,’ using Sherlock as her prop, dancing against him andsinging to him and oh God there really wasn’t enough booze in theworld for this.

And then nothing in the world madesense because he started dancing.  With the music.  And lip-syncing. Perfectly; well-rehearsed.  

Oh, she was going to kill thatprick.  He did things like this to John all the time (and sometimesMary, and Greg once or twice, and his brother whenever he possiblycould), the tit, but she thought she had some kind of… immunityfrom it.  Sure, there was probably some reason he’d acted allclueless and then suddenly switched gears, the deception was all partof the plan, always was, but he could have at least trusted her forthat bit like he normally did.  

Suddenly the music and dancing and thewhole novelty of a case in a drag club didn’t seem quite as fun andexciting as it did five minutes ago.  She powered through the rest ofthe song anyway, dancing her way back to the edge of the floor andletting him have centre stage, just as he’d probably planned from thestart.

She didn’t know why she was hurt by it;it wasn’t exactly a rational or proportionate response.  Leaving wasnot a thing an adult woman would do, but she really didn’t want to bethere anymore.  It wasn’t like he really needed her for the caseanyway, he could internalize his own executive functioning for onceinstead of making someone else do it.

And then he was suddenly in front ofher, blocking her way to the front of the club.  "Where are yougoing?“

"Should be fairly obvious.  I’mleaving.”

“What do you mean you’releaving?  Are you not feeling well?”  He reached out to touchher forehead and she batted his hand away.

“I’m feeling fine.  Next timemaybe—” she cut herself off, pressed her lips together.  Shedidn’t want to have to shout over the music to explain it to him.  Itwasn’t worth it.

“Next time what?”

“Just, finish your thing here,”she said, then walked away.  She was only a little let down (thoughnot surprised) when he didn’t follow after her.

*

“Really hoped you’d make more of ascene,” Sherlock said breezily, coming to stand beside her atthe bus stop.  She’d only been there a few minutes, though she hadtaken her time getting there.  She needed the air to clear her head.

“What are you talking about?”

“When I humiliated you on thedance floor.  Thought you’d have a stronger reaction.”  Hewinced as he pulled off his wig, pins catching in his hair.

She had a feeling she was about to havethat stronger reaction with whatever he said next.  "So it wasall part of your plan.“

"Obviously.  Really though, Ican’t believe you thought I didn’t know who Cher is.  If I canidentify a gay man by his underwear, it’s a safe bet I know a bitmore about the culture.”

Wait, was he trying to tell hersomething?  Mrs. Hudson used to think—  But Molly’d never got thatvibe from him (then again, she hadn’t got that vibe from Jim, and,well), and there was Irene Adler and the other one, and he’d neversaid anything in all the years he’d known her, but they didn’t talkabout those kinds of things—

“No, I’m not gay, you of allpeople should know that,” he said, sounding slightlyexasperated.

“Me, of all people,” sheechoed flatly.  She felt like it was an insult of some kind and shewasn’t sure why.

He looked at her like he was trying tofigure something out, then looked away; she wasn’t sure what wasbehind that.  Whatever, it didn’t change anything.

“So why couldn’t you just tell meto 'make a scene’ when you gave me a signal?  I would have gone alongwith whatever.”

“Because I really did need you toleave and I needed it to be authentic.  Thought for a minute youweren’t going to.  Didn’t have a plan B this time, either.”

“Mm.”  She was beginning tounderstand why John reacted how he did sometimes.  Right then, shereally didn’t care about the case.  He’d obviously solved it, theside of good prevailed, hurray, and the only collateral damage washer trust.  It was like he delighted in finding the most convoluted,idiotic ways to get from point A to point B sometimes and it didn’tmatter who was in the way.

“You’re angry with me.”

“Not really angry, no. Disappointed,” she said truthfully.  Sometimes she didn’t evenknow why she invested the time in explaining and correcting his badbehaviour.

“And hurt.”  It was aquestion.

“A bit.”

“I’m sorry.”  His voice wassoft, sincere.

You always are, she thought withan edge of bitterness.  She shrugged.  It was a stupid thing to behurt over, anyway.  She just needed a bit of time to get over it.

They stood in silence for another fewmoments, until Sherlock finally spoke again.  "You said I wouldowe you.  I owe you… what?  Name it,“ he said quietly.

"Doesn’t matter, it was just athing I said.  You don’t owe me anything,” she said just asquietly.  She really just wanted to forget about it.

“I could put the wig back on andwe could go to a different club.  You like dancing,” he offered. He was only half-joking, but she could tell by his voice that herealized this wasn’t the kind of thing he could charm his way out of.

“Maybe some other time,” shesaid, trying to keep her voice neutral.

“Would you—ever… want to?  Godancing.  When it’s not for a case.  After you’re finished beingcross with me,” he said, looking out into the street.  He wasn’tlooking at anything, he was just avoiding looking in herdirection.

Any other time she’d wonder if sheheard him correctly, or what kind of angle he was working; she hadthe thought that the timing was too bad for it to be anything but asincere offer.  And the way he asked wasn’t the way he asked if shewanted to go grab something to eat after work or if she wanted to gowith him to see this or that new exhibit at whatever museum orgallery.  It was like he was afraid she’d say no and the rejectionwould actually mean something.

“Like a date,” she said.  Itwas more of a question.  She felt like an idiot for even asking, andmaybe it was all just wishful thinking again like the time she’dmisread things so badly before that party, but she couldn’t help butfeel like this time was different.

“You could call it that, Isuppose.  Wouldn’t be inaccurate,” he said, finally looking ather out of the corner of his eye.

Her pulse sped up and the part of herthumb she’d grated off throbbed uncomfortably; Sherlock was stillmostly (absurdly) in drag and the night was muggy and the streetsmelled overwhelmingly of wee and spilled beer.  It was about as farfrom 'fairytale’ as one could get.

“After I’m finished being crosswith you.  And you won’t do anything like that again.”

“I won’t.  I truly am sorry.”

“I know.”

They stood in awkward silence foranother few moments until the bus turned the corner at the end of thestreet.

“You’re not actually expecting meto take the bus all the way back to yours as a form of penance, areyou?”

“Tempting, but no.  You can usethat magical cab-summoning superpower of yours any time now.”

Sherlock gave her one of those soft,genuine smiles of his and, while making her stomach do the samelittle flip it always did, it made her giggle, too.

“I didn’t even get to make anyjokes about John Waters, RuPaul, or Kinky Boots.  So manymissed opportunities.  Guess you’ll just have to take another casethat requires High Drag.”

“Ah, no,” he said, swinginghis wig as they walked in the direction of the taxi rank.

“Can’t blame a girl for trying,”she said.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Fuck You Physics I'm a Horse

Transmission date: Monday 2/Tuesday 3 January.

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Slightly behind schedule because ahahaha fuck off there is no schedule, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

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and

.

yknow

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HAPPY NEW YEAR

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(says vince)

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anyway, we're in tampa, and goldberg will be here

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ooh, and the zayn/strowman last man standing match

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looking forward to that

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but first, here's mick

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HE'S HAD A HAIRCUT HOLY SHIT WHAT

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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this is weird

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he's making a thing about him cocking up the name of the town last time

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good to see them acknowledge that

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shark cage on display on the stage for some reason

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more like shark stage am i right

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and here come kevin and chris to tell me if i'm right

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jericho is now boldly accessorising with two scarves and a tie

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chris breaks into kevins rant to insist he calls him a sexy pinata

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and they hate mick's new hair

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because they hate mick

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i cannot convey how great this rant is because kevin and chris just make it

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the gist is they're angry at mick abusing his power

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every time they mention the cage, the camera does a dramatic zoom on it

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kevin refuses to stand for mick's bullshit any longer

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so...mick is giving kevin a talk show?

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and he can interview goldberg

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this took a turn for the strange

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mick, i don't think the kevin owens show is meant to be a talk show

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there are other kinds of shows

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kevin rants at mick some more, enter steph

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to defend mick, which is nice

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like i defend all of his decisions to the hilt although it would have been cool if you'd consulted me hmmmmm

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kevin bursts in with WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO CONSULTED WHO AND WHERE MICK FOLEY WAS AT CHRISTMAS GRAAAGH

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i love him

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you may have noticed

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steph's giving chris a us title match tonight

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with no champion's advantage

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kevin's angling to have seth banned from ringside

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so mick wants kevin banned

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and steph is just like will all of you shut the fuck up smackdown's beating us in the ratings kevin you can fight seth for a chance to be at ringside now fuck off

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and i assume they did, because this video broke

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and now it's the kevin/seth match

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i don't think i missed much

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so yeah, whoever loses this is banned from ringside for the us title match

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announce team get their intros, corey's just like it's 2017 and byron is still fucking here

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commence to punching

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kevin and seth, not corey and byron

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although that'd be hilarious

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for 2017, seth seems to have decided to not use any moves other than topes

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kevin stomps on seth's head, because apparently he's allowed to do that when nobody else is

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this match is pretty much just seth does a flashy move, kevin kicks him in the head, another flashy move, kevin kicks him in the back, continue unto death

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kevin ends up cannonballing the barricade

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ouch

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cue big long slapfight section

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seth has apparently hurt his thigh, is trying to get it back in the game by repeatedly punching it

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not totally sure that's the medically-approved treatment

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seth gets a comeback off a sling blade, like he does

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aaaaaand tick the ugly suicide dive counter

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ended up hitting the barricade shoulder-first

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fucking stop it

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brawl outside the ring, kevin hits seth with the ring bell and gets dq'd

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shockingly, kevin is pissed

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brief brawl, then kevin runs off when it turns out seth's still in a fighting mood too

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but calls him a scumbag

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strong words

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in any case, now we have the tag champs

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and they actually have matching shirts now

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brave new world

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cesaro's fighting, sheamus is on announce

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and he's fighting carl anderson

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cole like hey sheamus we're coming into rumble season how relevant are your opinions to this

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(they are not)

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apparently the club are aiming to divide and conquer

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ominous

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cesaro countering all anderson's throws like fuck you physics i'm a horse

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because switzerland is basically skyrim

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sheamus starts making game of thrones references, corey takes the chance to implicitly call byron a eunuch

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some a+ 17th-century smack talk there

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yeah, cesaro is basically just having fun stomping all over him, while letting through just enough offense that anderson and gallows seem like a legitimate threat

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outstanding double springboard crossbody by cesaro there

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gallows tries  to interfere, sheamus comes down to fuck his shit up

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cole immediately forgets which one was on announce

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*slow clap for cole*

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really weird busaiku knee from anderson there

.

gallows and sheamus have a ruckus, cesaro gets crotched, anderson gets a big top rope neckbreaker for the win

.

wolfpac haaaaaands

.

and now we have some recaps of strowman/zayn

.

corey like well cole, the only explanation i can think of is that sami doesn't like his career very much

.

this video package is really long

.

so yeah, that match is next

.

now that video is finally over

.

and some of the bucs are in the crowd

.

corey tries to find a nice way of being like hey look, it's the bucs, they had a terrible season

.

the future's bright, apparently

.

but now, apparently we need a recap package of goldberg/lesnar

.

also super long

.

aaaaand finally we have the match

.

jojo gets a chance to have her nameplate on screen while she explains the rules

.

OHHHHHHHOHOHOHOHHHOH

.

(that was sami's intro, if it wasn't clear)

.

GRAAAAAAAUUUUGH

.

(that was braun's)

.

(or possibly someone shot a bear)

.

seriously cole, we don't need to hear the rules again

.

that's like four times in the last two minutes

.

and activate

.

sami immediately twats it out of the ring and grabs a kendo stick

.

because i know if i were faced with a seven-foot murderer, my first thought would be to slap him with some bamboo

.

sami does his barricade moonsault, braun just catches him off it and hotshots him on the barricade

.

oof

.

sami gets up by 6, immediately throws braun into the ring post a few times

.

gets cocky, goes for a torpedo ddt

.

gets caught in midair with a fist

.

braun's entire moveset is still just NO FUCK YOU

.

every time sami stands up, braun just clotheslines him again

.

braun hasn't gone down yet

.

sami tries a move, braun say no

.

cut to ads, when we come back braun's bombing sami off the stage

.

and beating him against the edge of the announce platform

.

fight spills into a backstage bit that apparently has no lighting

.

and further backstage

.

and sami finds a pipe to beat him with

.

also tech crates

.

there are always tech crates

.

shit a fuck

.

braun just full-on threw a tech crate at sami

.

missed, luckily

.

now for the chair beating

.

sami is just defining pluck here

.

and getting chokeslammed onto the stage

.

less advisable

.

corey blames mick foley for encouraging an unsafe mentality

.

which is probably true

.

big comeback

.

sami crossbodies braun off the stage through some tables

.

braun makes it up on 5

.

tampa crowd think this is awesome, and they're kind of right

.

proper old-fashioned hardcore match

.

braun powerslams sami on the floor

.

that must hurt

.

especially if you are a human who likes breathing

.

but of course, that applies to neither of these people

.

one is actually an undernourished victorian street mongrel in human form, and one is a truck

.

every time sami's down to like 8, braun picks him up and powerslams him again

.

and finally lets him stay down to 10

.

good result, really

.

lets braun keep being an undefeated monster, while stopping sami from having to back down

.

mick comes out with the ubiquitous stretcher guys

.

to check on his protégé

.

braun shoulder-checks sami off the stretcher, because fuck everything

.

and stalks off to demolish some other poor unfortunate

.

or maybe a cake

.

braun love cake

.

and now we get a recap of the gallagher/daivari weirdness

.

which was amazing, but i have genuinely no idea how americans felt about it

.

such a british variety thing

.

and now, jack is in the locker room, teaching the new day to fight with umbrellas

.

they start grinding, jack's just like yeahhhhh no and leaves

.

so now the new day are here

.

after a trailer for another new network show that i probably won't watch

.

still not convinced of the safety of throwing cereal boxes into crowds

.

kofi continues to weave subtle sex jokes into everything

.

oh, big e's joining in

.

basically, they're announcing themselves for the rumble

.

but now they're doing their new year's resolutions

.

and...

.

titus just stole the new day's intro?

.

and is now here for some reason

.

he's angling to join the new day

.

i could not be cringing harder right now

.

he's just doing all their catchphrases badly

.

and he's brought a whistle to join the trombonery

.

xavier just like dude, lemme tell you a thing

.

nobody likes you

.

so you can fuck off

.

titus is mocking xavier for being the weakest link in the new day

.

schoolboy error

.

so xavier challenges him for a match

.

titus coldcocks him in the face, then accepts

.

nice to see xavier getting some solo action

.

so far this has pretty much entirely been titus putting on headlocks

.

but cue the comeback

.

and kicking

.

mnogo kicking

.

bullfights titus over the top rope, then hits a lovely tope con giro

.

crowd suddenly very excitedly chanting for something that wasn't on camera

.

gonna have to wait for botchamania on that one

.

titus lines up a powerbomb, xavier does a sunset flip and gets the pin

.

new day dolly out like fuck youuuuuuu

.

and now bayley is backstage with steph

.

complaining about dana being a guest referee

.

steph's just like basically, lawyers

.

the flairs are rich, the fuck was i meant to do

.

oh, and by the way, i don't like you and i never wanted you here

.

just slip that in

.

bayley's like yeah cool don't actually care

.

so steph's rewarding her pluck with a contendership match for the title at the rumble

.

against nia jax

.

moohoohaha

.

end of segment

.

and now, cedric walking backstage with alicia

.

and noam coalesces out of ambient sleaze

.

to faux-apologise, objectify alicia, and run away

.

and now we have cedric v drew

.

and we don't see drew's intro, so i don't have to complain about him being dressed like a shitty final fantasy character

.

oh, and apparently tony nese is here too

.

in a suit, rather than his heman harness

.

cedric is still blindingly good

.

nese gets on the apron, alicia pulls him down and starts shouting at him, drew gets a pin off the distraction

.

disappoint

.

gulak and nese run away, and cut to kevin and chris backstage briefly

.

because it's time for chris/roman now

.

for the title

.

with no champion's advantage

.

which means logically, chris could just have someone come in and slap him, win by dq, and take the title

.

but then

.

yknow

.

logic

.

no cole, don't talk about roman winning the 2015 rumble

.

we all agreed to forget that

.

apparently chris jericho is always the man with the plan

.

excuse me corey, i think a certain sex pirate would have something to say on that score

.

we're getting full-on let's go roman/roman sucks chants

.

his cenafication is complete

.

roman goes for a superman punch on the apron while chris goes for a springboard dropkick

.

the kick was quicker

.

chris is playing smart, getting back in the ring every time roman leaves

.

roman gets back in on 9, because of course he does

.

lionsault foiled by roman having knees

.

that move does get countered a lot

.

speaking of which, roman sets up for the spear, jericho counters into a codebreaker attempt, then turns that into the walls

.

roman turns it into a pin

.

out at 2, back to the fight

.

roman catches chris off the top rope with a superman punch

.

goes for a spear again, chris counters again

.

chris removes a turnbuckle pad, the ref notices and goes to put it back on, chris gets the belt while his back's turned, gives it to roman and then takes a dive

.

classic evil

.

the ref isn't entirely convinced, but it still gives chris an opening for a codebreaker

.

the pin, doesn't take, unexpectedly

.

jericho runs headfirst into the exposed turnbuckle that the ref apparently did a really shitty job of covering

.

so reigns retains, the world shrugs

.

end of segment

.

looks like the women's contender match is gonna be our main event

.

oh, or maybe kevin talking to goldberg

.

but who gives a fuck

.

because right now, we have brian kendrick

.

fuck you corey, responding to my jokes a week in advance

.

he just slipped in a clarification between 'the man with the plan' and 'the man with plan'

.

but yeah, it's perkins/kendrick round #zaynandowenswanttheirschtickback

.

apparently swann was meant to be here, but neville fucked him up but good

.

i missed a couple bits of that match, but it was short anyway

.

in any case, kendrick taps to a kneebar

.

and now for an advert for the UK championship

.

PE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HYPE THE HY

.

holy shit, it's this weekend

.

i hadn't realised

.

right, guess i need to get this shit up to date by saturday

.

and next, a match with no hype at all

.

cass v jinder/rusev

.

but first, an even shittier than usual emmalina video

.

reasonably sure it was put together in powerpoint

.

so yeah, here are enzo and cass

.

enzo is in a powered chair, and as someone who uses a wheelchair in real life, i'm side-eyeing him even more than usual

.

also, every time he moves, the motors are fucking with the mics

.

in other news, i'm still not totally sure why jinder's a heel

.

his whole thing is peace and enlightenment, and his only possible heel attribute as far as i can make out is 'foreign'

.

corey embarks on a shitty joke about disability fraud

.

careful, graves

.

i love you, but i can only take so much

.

jinder slaps enzo for giggles

.

general ruckus, and rusev hits a superkick for the pin

.

welp, that was short

.

probably shorter than the intros

.

moving on

.

let's have a recap video of the last man standing match

.

good job moving on, wwe

.

but now, women's match

.

and an advert for tajiri returning to 205

.

but where the fuck is tozawa, guys

.

sigh

.

anyway

.

match

.

charlotte's on announce, and here's bayley

.

charlotte wearing black, which is weird

.

recaps of nia being a bitch

.

and begin the match

.

and begin the pounding of bayley all over the place

.

and a long section where i try and piece the match together in my mind because this recording is broken as fuck

.

nia gets bullfought into the post, beats bayley up more

.

goes to the second rope, sasha'a music kicks and she comes in, bayley takes the distraction to hit a belly to bayley for the pin

.

so she gets a title shot

.

sasha's looking okay, but for the knee brace

.

apparently next week on raw we have shawn michaels and taker

.

because legends can be on whatever show they fucking want

.

and now we have the kevin owens talk show

.

the set consists of a desk for him and chris, a deckchair for the guest, and a man wearing both a kevin owens show shirt and a kevin owens show sign over his head

.

which is the most exquisitely surreal thing here

.

because why would you not hire someone to be a sign

.

kevin does a big intro to goldberg, switches at the last moment to be talking about chris

.

awwww those guys

.

the ko show has its own screen overlay and everything

.

tampa is getting put on the list for chanting for goldberg

.

and apparently chris has big breaking news

.

he's proclaiming himself the third entrant in the rumble

.

which is dubious because the new day already announced

.

but w/e

.

kevin's pissed because if jericho wins, they'll have to fight

.

but anyway

.

commence the epic backstage journey of a man named bill

.

if he makes it to mania, they're gonna have to start the show with him waking up

.

and just have the whole day on the network be a live broadcast of his journey to the match

.

bill is angry about...well, everything

.

kevin is trying to regain control of his show

.

goldberg killed the deckchair

.

and gets put on the list for it

.

so he's just started shouting the names of his finishers at them

.

kevin: "Wait, am I meant to be intimidated because you said the word 'jackhammer' and took your coat off?"

.

best question

.

kevin and goldberg get all up in each other's business

.

and cue paul heyman, to tell us that brock isn't here

.

cool, good to know

.

oh, and he's got spoilers for the rumble

.

which are eat/sleep/elimination/repeat

.

which, frankly, i'm looking forward to the 'eat' and 'sleep' sections

.

goldberg mentions roman, he appears

.

clearly had no shit better to do

.

gets up in roman's face, and...braun?

.

the fuck is even going on here

.

fuck it, everyone in the ring

.

paul is literally cowering on the floor as braun passes

.

braun is also apparently going to win the rumble

.

gonna be a bit awkward when five different people all win

.

how many muscles will vince have to sever

.

moment of tension broken as roman and goldberg spear braun

.

they have a moment of mutual respect, and then roman leaves as goldberg poses and roars

.

and then we fade on him getting pictures with kids in the crowd

.

well, that happened

.

and i think that's your daily dose of my wrestling shit

.

unless you want another hilarious episode where i pass out and miss the middle third of smackdown

.

but you don't, and more importantly, i don't

.

so that was raw, and now for a bit where i have a nap and a life, cleverly disguised by the magic of technology as a series of dashes

----------

Back in the metaphorical saddle (the horse is, sadly, not metaphorical) welcome to TUESDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN!

we open with the miz, and the crowd refusing to be quiet on set

.

him and maryse are both wearing real person clothes

.

i'm conflicted

.

although maryse's dress does zip all the way down the back, which is interesting

.

oh, and let's have recaps of miz/renee

.

which is good, because i forgot about it

.

sod off, i'm tired and i haven't watched smackdown in like a fortnight

.

you're not my real parents

.

(unless you are)

.

(this is statistically unlikely)

.

oh yeah, dean has a title shot tonight off all this

.

miz is helpfully informing us all how great him and his wife are

.

he's resolved to be more forgiving, so renee needs to come out and apologise to him

.

...i'm not sure that's how that works, mike

.

and now he's threatening to hold up the show until she comes out

.

apparently renee has sacrificed her journalistic integrity by sleeping with dean

.

dude, she's an interviewer on a wrestling show

.

you do not in fact work at reuters

.

dean comes out, miz hides behind maryse, she hits dean

.

and miz leaves, with maryse keeping firmly between them throughout

.

dean like lololol your wife hits harder than you

.

seriously, can this episode not just be all gender-based humour

.

next we have ziggler/corbin

.

and later, a contract signing for styles/cena at the rumble

.

which i'm sure will be as uneventful as any other bit of corporate paperwork

.

although, to be fair, in a company run by vince mcmahon, that could be how all business looks

.

i would not be remotely surprised

.

baron's wearing a jacket composed entirely of unnecessary zips and d-rings

.

shitty bondage corbin

.

and dolph's gone to black tights and making one fan very happy by throwing his shirt

.

apparently baron has resolved to "go through his opponents like foreign water through a tourist"

.

[mauro intensifies]

.

in any case, baron is currently stomping dolph into jam

.

but that's how most dolph matches start

.

baron's taken to keeping a vest on, which means now i can't spend the match just talking about his tattoos

.

boooooo

.

dolph gets smacked into the apron a few times, which seems to have reactivated his comeback circuits

.

i say that, then we cut to break, and come back with baron just standing on his head

.

so much for those

.

"Look at that clothesline! That's like watching Michelangelo paint...for someone who really likes clotheslines."

.

thanks, jbl

.

if you like clotheslines, you'll like that clothesline

.

the wheels on the dolph go clothesline, clothesline, stinger splash, neckbreaker, elbow drop

.

might have to work on the scansion in that

.

famouser for a near-fall

.

i started typing that even before the move landed

.

because nobody has ever been pinned off the famouser

.

might want to trade it in for a signature that actually, yknow, works

.

baron picks dolph up over his head then just throws him across the ring, dolph doesn't give a shit and goes straight into a zigzag

.

doesn't take

.

dolph has a complicated relationship with selling

.

OH GOD MY ARM IT HURTS ok i'm fine

.

and end of days for the pin

.

that was alright

.

dolph is great lately, and baron's on the up

.

and now he has a chair

.

(ho ho ho)

.

and here comes kalisto

.

dropkicks the chair out of baron's hands, bullfights him out of the ring, then picks it up himself

.

beautiful sequence

.

and then dolph superkicks him?

.

dolph turn?

.

the fuck

.

i was not expecting that

.

stands there screaming at kalisto about how he doesn't need anyone

.

huh

.

so that happened

.

and now,carmella is backstage

.

and enter james ellsworth

.

being aw shucks awkward

.

and giving her his shirt

.

like literally taking off the shirt he was wearing and giving it to her

.

she has a moment of um what the fuck then invites him to escort her to the ring

.

in the locker room, dolph is wrecking shit

.

and apollo objects to his behaviour

.

so dolph starts unloading on him until mojo and rhyno pull them apart

.

the most unlikely pairing to restore order

.

but now, let's talk about the women's title scene

.

and the ongoing adventures of the mysterious la luchadora

.

jbl is trying to explain the concept of a character being played my different people to the rest of the announcers

.

guys, you all work in wrestling

.

work it out

.

so now we have becky v la luchadora

.

who i'm thinking is nattie?

.

i mean, there are only like six women on this show

.

and she's too pale to be carmella or naomi

.

oh wait, she's got dark hair

.

so i guess i have no idea

.

she twin magics under the ring, enter a new one who totally isn't being played by alexa bliss

.

does twisted bliss, but becky rolls through for a disarmher for the tap

.

unmasks her, she is shockingly alexa bliss

.

and then both of las luchadoras start beating on becky

.

alexa ddts her, and las luchadoras leave

.

up next, contract signing

.

everybody's favourite part of the corporate experience

.

ad for 205 live

.

and now for the paperwork

.

enter bryan like a homeless man who's acquired a nice shirt

.

the ring has a carpet, a table, and an office chair either side of it

.

how long are cena and aj going to be sitting there?

.

padded chairs seem like overkill

.

they're literally there to sign a piece of paper

.

and if it's going to take that long, where is bryans chair

.

basically, whatever your starting point, this setup is dumb

.

oh, cena actually took his seat

.

well, guess that showed me

.

aj isn't sitting down

.

he's too good for chairs

.

or possibly has bad knees

.

he turns up and is immediately just like come on bryan we're old friends and workers why am i getting a match with this media personality

.

half expecting bryan to shrug and be like hey, worked for goldberg

.

*counter on smackdown staff congratulating themselves on beating raw in the ratings dings*

.

bryan's just like, hey, people want to see it and ratings are good

.

which is enirely fair, tbh

.

cena's up and doing a weird dance every time bryan says anything emphatic

.

and now he leaves so they can do some serious signing

.

i have no clue how this logically works

.

aj criticises cena for being tenuously related to authority, take an incredibly bland shot

.

aj like hey john remember when you told me i needed to pull out a win or i'd prove i didn't belong in the wwe funny that hmmmmmmm

.

and pointing out how they've had great ratings lately, coincidentally as cena has been absent

.

and now this whole conversation is about things john said either like three years ago or on talking smack about the rock

.

i did not watch either of those things

.

and in conclusion hey john you were great but now you can fuck off

.

also you're not as good an actor as the rock just sayin

.

fun fact: despite their whole old school/new school thing, aj is only a month younger than cena

.

and cena goes off on a thing about how being a man means standing up and fighting back

.

stop gender policing, john

.

ohhhhhhhhh he called aj a bitch

.

in the pg era, that's like calling someone the illegitimate child of adolf hitler and a public toilet

.

and now let's have a cena-brand (tm) tirade on the meaning of 'passion'

.

and on how great it is to be john cena

.

apparently at the rumble, aj should bring his family, his friends, the noise, and his a-game

.

one of these things is not like the others

.

cena says 'recognise', drops the mic, and...baron is here?

.

don't try and steal braun's shtick, dude

.

he's here to tell us that he's entering the rumble

.

great

.

nobody cares

.

cena's like finally, someone who'll agree to fight me

.

he takes his shirt off, aj dropkicks him in the side of the head

.

solid move there

.

also good throw by cena there

.

that cap must have hit like the sixth row

.

aj runs away, baron shouts a bit, end of segment

.

now maryse is backstage

.

slapping renee

.

so that happened

.

and straight fade on that

.

huh

.

and now, carmella v aliyah

.

welcome to the main shows

.

and carmella's wearing a cutoff ellsworth shirt

.

he is here too

.

side note: according to what he just said, jbl thinks old televisions ran on nanotubes

.

he may in fact be from the future

.

apparently they're called carmellsworth

.

and reference to david being married to jennifer hudson, just in case you'd forgotten

.

also jbl can't tell carmella and aliyah apart, even by name

.

dude, one is italian-american, one's middle eastern

.

sigh

.

ellsworth shouts at aliyah, carmella gets the code of silence off the distraction

.

he's being used as the most stereotypical arm candy valet role, and i kind of love it

.

and now, we have american alpha fucking up the fashion police

.

so good to see them with belts

.

long may it continue

.

i literally looked away for twenty seconds to check my youtube feed, looked back as they hit grand amplitude

.

huh

.

but here's the real meat of the segment, as bray has a video for them

.

tl; dr: next week, they're getting the title back

.

weird moment of tension as randy does the run thing, and luke looks at him like dude that's my line

.

but now, nikki and natalya in dramatic talking to each other action

.

apparently brie and nikki worked their entire lives to make the bella name mean something

.

no, i think you have italian to thank there

.

nattie claims she's never got anything off the back of her family, nikki's just like um what have you seen your entrance music/gear/finisher

.

exhibit A, a tweet from bret saying good things about nikki#

.

so nattie is using this as proof of a grand conspiracy against her

.

and accusing nikki of using her sex appeal to get stuff

.

have you seen what you're wearing, nattie

.

tells nikki john's going to leave her when she's old and ugly and she'll die alone, so nikki punches her head off her face

.

backstage, dasha asks dean if his mind's in the right place for this title match

.

at least, i think that's what she said, because she shat approximately all the beds on delivering her lines

.

who knew 'intercontinental championship' was so hard to say

.

(spoiler: everyone)

.

(i don't even type it usually)

.

ADVERT FOR THE UK CHAMPIONSHIP HYYYYYYYPE

.

this weekend, 8:00

.

get in

.

got to catch up on another week of this first

.

doable

.

but now, jack gallagher gives us a 205 advert

.

along with his umbrella, who is apparently called Willem

.

next week, we have nikki/nattie, american alpha/wyatts for the belts, and corbin/cena

.

as you could probably have inferred with three and a half brain cells

.

(side note: the terrible internet part of my brain has started shipping francesca ii turbo/willem)

.

miz and maryse's outfits are so ridiculous, and i love them so much

.

maryse's vampire basque is vinyl this time rather than lycra

.

titanium monk remains the same

.

and dean has stepped up to the occasion by dressing like that drug addict who beat you up behind a little chef at 3 p.m. one time

.

(you know it happened, and so do i)

.

bell rings, dean immediately goes super dean on miz's bedazzled ass

.

(bedassle?)

.

cue the scooby-doo segment where dean chases miz in and out of the ring a few times

.

the crowd need to start doing yakety sax for that

.

dean seems to have decided to mash miz against every object in the room

.

crotches him on the barricade

.

unsafe at any speed

.

"Talk about ringing in the new year!"

.

...let's not, mauro

.

not sure i want to know how you do that in your house

.

maryse starts shouting at dean, miz stakes the opportunity to dropkick him in the head

.

mauro thinks dean is dolph ziggler

.

eh, close enough

.

both scrappy, both capable of pulling out disproportionately good big matches, both kind of a douche when you think about it

.

miz counters dean's running bulldog through a complex gambit known as 'standing still'

.

i might not be putting it across, since all the circuits in my futuristic computer brain that don't specialise in sarcasm, bizarre musings and scatological humour are in sleep mode, but this match is pretty solid

.

lots of cool reversals and nicely timed sequences from both men

.

miz gets a finale off maryse shouting at the ref, but the pin doesn't take for once

.

maryse stood by the side of the ring like crisse de tabarnak what does a girl have to do

.

(yeah, québécois humour)

.

(don't get that on your other wrestling blogs)

.

reversal, reversal, reversal, dean lands a lariat but takes them both down

.

dean psyching himself back up by repeatedly punching himself in the face

.

GUYS

.

that suicide dive was actually properly executed and solidly caught

.

and on the miz, as well

.

wonders never cease

.

maryse interferes again, the ref tries to dq miz, but dean gets him to just eject her instead

.

miz coldcocks him off the distraction, still can't get the pin

.

dude, if you can't pin him off two distractions in a row, you may as well just resign

.

goes for a finale, dean reverses into dirty deeds, 1, 2, 3, new ic champ

.

like i say, miz deserves it for dicking all over the fine and storied art of the ref distraction

.

and fade on dean panting over his shiny new belt, and climbing on the announce table while jbl moans at him

.

and that was the smackdown

.

expect another post soon, since i want to get on track before the uk title tournament

.

yknow, if you hadn't guessed that already

.

but first, 205 and nxt

.

and maybe some non-wrestling-related life things

.

who can say