#and people refusing to accept them because it is impossible to label the natural world neatly)

[the-psychopathist]

Kilgrave Analysis

I finally finished season 1 of Jessica Jones and I had to make an analysis of this version of the Marvel villain Kilgrave (known as The Purple Man in the comics), real name Kevin Thompson in the tv series, played by David Tennant. Without further ado let’s deep in!

Kilgrave, born Kevin Thompson, developed a severe brain malfunction at a young age and was fated to become brain dead. His parents, both scientists, tried to save him with experimental treatments. But those treatments were extremely painful and even inhumane. We are first introduced to Kilgrave’s backstory through a video of him as a child, seemingly getting abused for the sake of some cruel experiments only by his parents, which are portrayed as “mad scientists”. This revelation may have brought some sympathy to Kilgrave, thinking that he was an abused child brutalized by cruel parents, but we learned later that Kilgrave lied. His parents were actually trying to save him and didn’t abandon him right after. After the experiments cured Kilgrave and gave him his mind control power, they stayed with their child and took responsibility for their actions. Young Kilgrave abused his power on them, mind controlling his parents to satisfy every of his whims, regularly throwing tantrums at them and hurting them. He forced his mother to burn her own face with a stream iron. At some point it was too much for his parents who feared for their safety and they ran away, leaving their son to survive on his own.

But, even if Kilgrave lied about certain parts of his past, it doesn’t mean his grudge against his parents was unjustified. From his perspective as a young child, his parents were torturing him. The fact they were trying to save his life doesn’t change how painful, frightening and traumatizing the experiments done on him were. We even see him panicking when he sees the video of himself getting abused. It’s normal that he grew resentful of his parents and felt like they didn’t love him and only cared about their work. With his new power, it’s not that surprising that a grudgeful and traumatized kid would have used it to get revenge on his parents, who he viewed as his abusers. And after being actually abandoned by them (although it’s understandable from their perspective), Kilgrave’s grudge only grew stronger, as well as his feeling of not being loved. He was left to survive on his own, using his power to force people to give him shelter and feed him. Honestly, it’s not that surprising that he ended up as a remorseless and unempathetic monster growing up, given his pasts and his power to literally bend anyone to his will. No wonder he ended up as a selfish prick who thinks the world revolves around him, as it literally is from his perspective.

Kilgrave confessed that he never knows when people are just acting upon his words of if their actions are from their own free will. His power most likely isolated him from others and prevented him from creating genuine bonds with others. People are basically just tools for him to satisfy his needs so he stopped seeing them as human beings. He doesn’t care about their feelings, their needs, their pains. Only his needs and feelings matter. This made him callous and remorseless, as well as causing him a serious lack of empathy and complete disregard for human lives.

When Jessica asked him if he does have a conscience or regrets his actions, he said that he does have a conscience, but that his was “selective”. Throughout the series he never showed any consideration for anyone other than himself and at a certain degree, Jessica. So it’s not that Kilgrave is unable to feel empathy, more that he became so desensitized to others’ feelings that he can’t empathize with them anymore. But it’s not impossible for him to feel a certain amount of empathy as shown with Jessica. Though this empathy has limits and he doesn’t seem to have any issues with trying to harm or kill her if it benefits him or on a whim if she enraged him. He did seem intrigued by the idea of becoming a hero, but that was just a way for him to be closer to Jessica and for his own self-satisfaction to have people be genuinely grateful to him, which he never experienced before. It just feeds his narcissistic nature.

Another characteristic of Kilgrave is his complete inability to accept any responsibilities for his actions. He forced people to kill themselves numerous times yet refused to be called a murderer. Even if they had no other choice to obey him and end their lives, he doesn’t accept the blame. He’ll blame them for being an inconvenience to him or say that he just removed nuisances from society. He also forced Hope to kill her parents as a way to get revenge on Jessica, blaming her for their death. He was apparently totally unaware that he was a rapist. When Jessica rightfully confronted him about raping her, he was genuinely shocked. He really didn’t even consider that what he was doing was rape. He denied the accusation, saying that he brought her to nice restaurants and hotels. He refuses the label of murderer and rapist because it would be like admitting his wrongdoings and he can’t. He wants to be seen as a victim and blame others for his actions.

Kilgrave is also a big egomaniac and narcissist. He’s a selfish man who doesn’t take insults against him lightly. The first time we actually saw him, he forced a rather wealthy family to shelter him, not only ordering them to let him in and feed him, but also added that they are “delighted” to have him as a guest. When Trish insulted him on radio he sent someone to kill her and after she apologized live, he was pleased enough to let her live. As mentioned earlier, he was shocked and upset when Jessica called him a rapist, thinking that she should be grateful that he brought her to nice restaurants and hotels. To him, it’s an honour to be with him. He doesn’t accept the slightless disrespect towards him and will make sure the person who dared insulting him will pay. Upon learning about Jessica’s relationship with Luke, Kilgrave felt deeply offended that she chose Luke over him, even accusing Luke of sabotaging his relationship with Jessica.

He also seemed to have abandonment issues. He resents his parents for abandoning him and, according to him, not loving him. This feeling seems to have worsened after meeting Jessica. After Jessica broke from his control and left him to die after being hit by a bus, Kilgrave felt abandoned by her. He grew to resent her and be obsessed with her. He meticulously planned his revenge against her, using Hope to do so and forcing her to kill her own parents to hurt Jessica. When he managed to convince Jessica to live with him in her old house, he grew extremely worried that she might leave him again. 

That brings us to Kilgrave and Jessica's relationship. When he first met her, Kilgrave was attracted to her beauty, but also mainly intrigued by her power. Just like him, she was special. “But underneath it all the power, just like me. Though not quite as good, of course” was what Kilgrave told her. It seemed that for the first time, Kilgrave might have found someone he can relate to, someone similar to him… but, he felt the need to say “not quite as good”, showing his narcissistic side and his incapacity to see someone as a genuine equal. Despite that, we can see that Kilgrave valued Jessica differently than his other victims. He kept her for months as his “lover” (sex slave) and genuinely believed himself to be the perfect gentleman with her. At some point he even didn’t give her any orders for twelve hours, to test her loyalty and if she truly loved him. For him to even consider that, he must be delusional or desperate for Jessica’s love. For someone to actually love him. And given that Jessica is similar to him, he feels like maybe she can accept him. Kilgrave remembered this event in his own twisted reality, thinking that for the 18 seconds Jessica wasn’t under his control, she was acting true to herself, therefore actually loved him. In reality, Jessica actually tried to escape but was too slow. As a punishment, Kilgrave ordered her to cut her own ears: "You never appreciate anything I do for you. If you can't listen to me you don't need ears... Cut them off”.

Right when Jessica started to cut her ear, he changed his mind and told her to stop, gently hugging her. Kilgrave never seemed to have changed his mind when he decided to mutilate someone. I wouldn’t say he had guilt, but that he does care a little bit about Jessica. In his mind, he rewrote this memory and convinced himself that Jessica stayed with him and that she loved him. Obviously, it’s important for him to feel that someone loves and stays with him willingly, as he was never able to experience that in his life due to his power.

After Jessica broke from his control he became obsessed to get her back. He felt once again abandoned and unloved. When he finally managed to meet with Jessica again, he confessed her love to her and promised he wouldn’t use his ability on her anymore. He bought back Jessica’s childhood house without forcing the current owner to leave as a sign of good faith. He then made sure that everything is the same as when Jessica was still living there, showing his deep obsession about her. Jessica agreed to go live with him in her old house, but simply to get a confession out of him for the murder of Hope’s parents. Kilgrave is completely delusionned, convinced that he can make Jessica fall in love with him and stay with him willingly with such overconfidence. He still used brainwashed people to make sure Jessica doesn’t try to leave or hurt him and became really worried when Jessica went on a walk, showing again his fear of abandonment.

But we learned later that he didn’t promise to not use his power on Jessica out of sympathy and concern for her, but because he knew his power didn’t work on her anymore. Well, maybe he wasn’t sure, but he had a doubt, and trying to use his power on her and failing would have revealed to Jessica her advantage over him. He had to keep control, so telling her he won’t use his power anymore preserves the illusion of power he has over her and makes him look more sympathetic and in good faith. Obviously, if he was sure he could use his power on her, he would have done it without a second thought.

When Jessica deceived him and kidnapped him, interrogated him, tortured him in order to get a confession, he grew resentful against her. When confronted by his parents, he snapped, telling them how much he felt abandoned. After his mother tried to kill him to stop his rampage, he ordered her to stab herself as many years she had abandoned him, killing her.

He tried to manipulate Jessica, convincing her that she loves him and stayed with him on her own free will when he didn’t use his power for twelve hours, until she revealed to him that she just didn’t have the time to escape. This broke Kilgrave's delusion that Jessica loved him all along. Feeling unloved and abandoned once again as well as having his massive ego hurt, Kilgrave became angry at Jessica and started trying to kill her. He forced her to watch her crush Luke blow himself up and mind control him to attack her, as well as using his father’s knowledge to make his power stronger in hope he can control Jessica again. He seems to keep changing his mind between killing Jessica or getting her back, showing how impulsive and unstable he can be. He did say his conscience (empathy) is selective, and Jessica seems to be the only one he cared about, and here we can see how easy it is for him to not care anymore if it benefits him. He even said that he would enjoy killing her but still hesitate if he truly wants to kill her, control her, or break her heart.

He eventually tried to use his power once again against Jessica and seemed to have succeeded. Kilgrave thought that Jessica was playing him so he controlled Trish, forced her to kiss him and claim he will make her her slave and rape her everyday to make Jessica react. Much to his surprise, Jessica didn’t move, making him believe that his power worked again on her. He is rejoiced, ordering Jessica to smile for him, which she does. He then told her to not worry and that she’ll come to love him as he loves her, somewhat trying to comfort her and again craving Jessica’s love. But turns out, Jessica wasn’t under his control, she grabbed her neck and out of irony told him to “smile” before she breaks his neck, killing him. His obsession for Jessica and desperate need for her to love him caused his undoing.

Throughout the series, Kilgrave has been referred to as a “psychopath”, a “sociopath” and “psychotic”. Do any of those terms adequately describe him? Well, medias tends to misuse mental illnesses and disorders and throw those terms for any “crazy” murderous villains. Do any of those diagnoses actually fit Kilgrave’s mental state? Quick summary, psychopaths usually refer to someone who is born that way and has a lack of empathy, fear, stress and anxiety due to a thinner amygdala. Psychopathy is considered as a neurodevelopmental disorder, a disorder that affects the development of the nervous system and leads to abnormal brain function. Nowaday it’s often referred to as “primary psychopathy”. “Sociopath” is an outdated term that doesn’t have any medical meaning anymore. It’s more of a pop culture term used for psychopaths, antisocial personality disorders, or just evil characters in general. So let’s forget about that one. I mentioned primary psychopathy, there’s also secondary psychopathy (who is also referred to as sociopathy sometimes). Secondary psychopaths aren’t born that way, they are mold and shaped by their environment, upbringing and possible trauma. While primary psychopathy is characterized by callousness, shallow affect, manipulation, and superficial charm, while secondary psychopathy is associated with impulsivity and lack of long-term goals, and is related to hostile behaviors. They don’t totally lack empathy, their empathy is more “selective” and unstable. Antisocial Personality Disorder is a personality disorder, something that is developed, not innate. ASPD doesn’t equate a violent criminal either but is characterized by a lack of remorse and disregard for others and the law. Not all primary psychopaths have ASPD but all secondary psychopaths do and is often comorbid with borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by abandonment issues and emotional impulsivity and unstability. Both primary and secondary psychopathies are in the spectrum of narcissistic personalities (without necessary being NPD), but not everyone with ASPD is also narcissistic.

Phew. Ok now that I’m done let’s go back to Kilgrave. Let’s cross out primary psychopathy. It’s obvious Kilgrave isn’t born that way and he showed multiple times fear, stress and emotional instability. He was made that way by his environment, upbringing and trauma. I talked before about how narcissistic he was and I do believe he could have NPD. He has a grandiose sense of himself, he viewed himself as special and unique and thus above others, great sense of entitlement, exploitative, lack of empathy and arrogant. He also seems to show signs of ASPD, he fails to obey laws and norms, he’s a lying, deceptive and manipulative person and do so for his own profit or self-amusement, he’s quite impulsive, irritable and aggressive and has a blatant disregard for the safety of others, he can’t take responsibility and lack remorse for his actions. I also mentioned his abandonment issues, how he fears that Jessica will abandon him and how he craves for her love. Those might be related to borderline personality disorder, which is described as: “disturbed sense of identity, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions to such, black and white thinking, impulsivity, intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the event or situation, unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, distorted self-image, self-damaging behaviors, dissociation and is often accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage”.

I do think some of those criteria fits Kilgrave. I think he might have those three personality disorders or partially have them, all in the cluster B and comorbid. That would put him in the category of secondary psychopath. The fact his empathy can be selective and unstable regarding Jessica seems to also point to that conclusion.

I think Kilgrave is a well-written villain, his psychology and psyche is accurately portrayed in the series, even if his behaviours are explained they aren’t justified. He’s not just evil for the sake of being evil, we actually see how he became that way and can understand him. After all, evil is made, not born.

[themanicnami]

Fog in Witchcraft

Fog is often a forgotten aspect of weather that seems to get passed over when it comes to witchcraft despite it having some powerful and noble uses as well as a history in the craft. Though not all areas get fog commonly, many do, almost every morning depending on the time of year. Allow this small post to perhaps be some help to those who have interest in harnessing fog into their craft.

History and Fiction

As stated above, in many literary sources witches of both historical senses and fiction harness fog as a powerful towel. In popular lore, witches were said to summon fogs to roll across the lands to protect fleeing mothers and children during wars to hide from invading soldiers, though this lore is hard to pin point down, it is often said to come from Celtic and Gaelic origins.

In other tales witches would summon fog to protect traveling royalty or heroes who are on a quest to reach lands that may be unfriendly to their arrival. At some other times fog was related to almost like the “witching hour” it meant it was a time that the supernatural were out and witches were casting their spells.

Fog as a Liminal Space

What is a liminal space? To put it simply it means a “transforming space” or a place that the Veil or energies are thinner and overcross one another. Often they are associated with spirit work, energy work, astral work and over all witchcraft. Some call these places or areas “places where one area and time stop and another begins”.

In many cases, places that are covered by fog often are said to be liminal spaces during this time, due to the surrealism and energy fog brings with it. It turns something mundane looking to mysterious, confusing and even to some creepy. Its concealing nature brings the feeling of the unknown and the unseen.

Traditionally and theatrically fog is often used to represent the Veil between worlds and afterlife, often used in settings of literature and movies by covering graveyards before something supernatural happens or by filling the streets at night when magick is about to begin. Often when many people who don’t practice the craft think of supernatural energies and the Veil they imagine a foggy night or a wall of fog, this imagery is for a reason.

Often, fog is seen as an important tool for spirit work both fictionally and modernly due to its relations of being a liminal space and therefore seen as easier to contact spirits with the barriers weaker when it arrives.

Correpsondences and Uses of Fog

Generally Fog Corresponds with - The Veil, Spirits/Spirit Work, The Hidden, The Unseen, Invisibility, Protection, Obstruction, Curses/Hexes, Warding, Meditation, Astral Work, Fear, Patience, Calmness, Serenity, Peace and Travel

Often times, fog is useful to one when they wish to cast or enchant items for invisibility and protection during travel, often necklaces or items enchanted while out in the fog. Others will take the opportunity of using fog for spiritual communication, past life work and astral projection, taking advantage of the weakened barriers and Veil for these purposes.

Associations

Crystals - Clear Quartz, Smokey Quartz, Thunder Egg

Herbs/Plants - Cotton, Broom, Saffron, Thistle/Thicket, Wheat, Pansy

Colors - Gray, Silver, Black, Blue

Other Tools - Steam, Incense/Smoke, Wands, Besoms, Branches, Storm Water/Rain Water, Ash, Dust, Mirrors and Gray Candles

Fog Summoning

There are many ways said to summon fog. A few of those ways will be listed below

Method 1: Using storm water boiling it until it has thick amounts of steam rising from it, carefully move it outside or to a window (if one is not already outside) and offer it to the sky. Many will chant or call to the weather or winds to bring them fog much like the steam of the pot.

Method 2: In water on a burner add storm or sea salt and a sigil on paper for fog. Close the lid to it and wait until it is boiling. Remove the lid and allow the steam to rise. Here chant if desired for fog or let the water boil until it is nearly gone.

Method 3: With a besom go outside if it is a private space and much like wind summoning call to the fog to come to you, using your tool as an extension of yourself and your energy. Remember to ask it to come rather than demand for it.

Method 4: Using storm water or rain water, ash and a jar fill it with these ingredients and shake it thoroughly to summon fog. Be sure to center yourself and focus on your energy to put into this fog summoning jar. Leave it outside or in a window afterwards for further effects.

Fog Water

Fog water is a tool that can be used for witchcraft when fog is not rightfully available or in place of rain water/storm water in fog summoning. To capture fog water is pretty easy though you must be able to accept small amounts.

First you will need either very fine fabric or mesh or screen similar to what can be found in windows or for fishing nets. Tight it taunt onto something to hold it up like rods or sticks. Make sure it is held up at least a couple feet above the ground and somewhere the fog will roll through it. Base it off of how high the fog in your area tends to be, if you have low rolling fogs it may work better lower to the ground. After or during a time of fog you should be able to see droplets of water forming on it, you may use a jar tied below a corner of it to capture these drops or you can collect it yourself during/after they have formed. You can build much larger versions of this for potable water gathering and tutorials on this can be found easily online if that may interest you.

Store your fog water in glass containers and in the fridge, be sure to date and label to ensure you are using fresh water. Do not drink this water unless you set up the proper potable filtration systems.

Diffusing Fog

Often witches will find themselves tasked with fog being a hindrance rather than helpful. Its a dangerous weather condition especially for those on the road or at sea. 

Historically, sea witches would be asked to disperse fog for the safe return and port of sea vessels and the men upon them. Though it is difficult to find exact spells from these times, often broom or heather is used by facing the sea with it in hand and waving at the fog, putting energy into it and telling the fog to disperse. Other times it is said using a broom/besom to summon winds to remove the fog was a preferred way.

Other options for witches is to sing a fog removal song and often dance accompanied with it and with either a besom or wand in hand, direct the fog to travel away from you and somewhere else. Other witches have found success in praying and working with weather deities to move the fog back to the sky or to lead it away.

Omens, Superstitions and Dreams

In omens it is said fog represents blindness. It blocks our ability to see clearly and makes normal directions seem impossible to follow. It can go hand in hand with confusion and the feelings of anxiety. When fog appears in visions it is to be seen often as a warning that things are about to get just that - foggy.

Though it is also related to shrouding oneself, it may be a sign that it is time for you to create a fog about yourself and to build up those wards.

Superstition wise it was believed fog would steal people, often due to people getting lost in it and vanishing, because of this fog is seen as a warning of loss to come. Some cultures even associate it directly with death.

In dreams fog holds many meanings. If the fog is throughout the whole dream then it is a warning of deception. Someone is deceiving you and deep down you know it to be true. If you dream of being wrapped in fog and it is too thick to see through or escape it is often related to feeling that someone has stolen something from you. Dreaming of wandering in a foggy environment is a warning of dangers to come, keep on your toes. If you escape fog it means you are avoiding danger or theft.

If one dreams of fog just being around their head, eyes or following above them like a halo/hat, then it is an indication that you are lying to yourself. You are refusing to let yourself see the truth. It can also be a play of the saying “its all in your head” meaning you are overthinking a problem.

If you dream of fog and snow together, it is often said to be a dream related to sickness soon to come. Others say its a sign that illness of the mind and emotions is going to creep its way in.

If one dreams of their home, bedroom or apartment being filled with fog it is often taken as a bad omen and sign that a large family drama is soon to come.

Seeing a figure in fog in dreams can have different meanings. If it is someone that you know it means they may be hiding things from you or that you are going to have a fight with them in the near future. It can also indicate if you are in the fog and you see them outside of the fog, that you are guilty about something you did to them. Seeing a stranger in the fog or a shadow you do not recognize is often due to anxiety or fear in one’s waking life. They represent the unknown and the future to come, which you are currently stressed over. Animals in the fog can represent both anxieties and fears looming about you but also can represent that you a repressing your own desires and natural wants.

If you see fog rolling in from the distance of a dream it means something is looming in your waking life. If fog starts descending down on you in a dream from the sky to the ground, many take this as a bad omen for travel especially by air or sea. Historically it is said a foggy sea in your dreams means a shipwreck in your future. Though fog over a lake or river means dream-like wonder and is said that young women who dream of this can expect a mysterious stranger in their future.

Fog and Different Types of Witchcraft

Sea Witchcraft - Fog is often seen as more of a hindrance in ocean magick, especially historically when fog at sea or port could be rather hazardous and bring tragedy to many. Due to this, fog in sea magick is often used for more negative tasks like cursing.

Storm Magick - Fog is often seen more in the light of a less harsh type of weather compared to storms or rain but still one that can be used to harness energy. The energy of foggy weather is much more mysterious, calm and hazy than that of storm or wind. It can be used for such purposes.

Death Magick - Fog is often related to the barriers of the other-side as some may say, so many death witches will take advantage of fog to use it to communicate and commune with the dead. Many report that it can make using tools of communication like Ouija boards and pendulums easier.

Divination - Often fog can be seen as a hindrance for divination though it is often deeply routed with self discovery and past life work. Many will take the opportunity of foggy weather to explore their past lives and the history of themselves and others. 

[springbudeyes]

Placing Mianite’s Gods on an Ideological Spectrum (but not taking it too seriously)

It sucks to be dead center on an an ideological spectrum. Opinions pull at you from both sides. Politically and religiously, I’m – well, I wouldn’t say I’m a fence sitter because that implies hesitation – but I’m grounded between camps. I’ve been Christian, I’ve been conservative, I’ve been liberal, and now I’m realizing that none of the labels fit me. But I know what does. I like being able to wrap my head around as many viewpoints as possible. I like bringing conflicting ideas together and helping people find common ground. Sure, I voted Democrat this election (and please tell me you did, too). No, I don’t believe in the Christian God. But if you’re a Trump supporter, we can have lunch. If you’re an old friend from church, I miss you and would like to catch up. It struck me today that I might be an Ianitee irl. This is all on a whim, of course. I’m not trying to “sort” myself into her “house” or assign anyone else a Mianite god, for that matter. My point is not to assign a label, but to explore an idea.

The goddess of balance walks a tightrope. She holds a scale. She is both light and dark in a photograph—and therefore, she can also be grey. She’s an impartial judge. Her job, although far grander in scope than mine, isn’t totally unlike what I do for my tiny group of friends on the internet. Her followers might be people who struggle to navigate the warring dualities of their worlds. This makes Prince Andor a bit of a chaotic Ianitee if you think about it. It comes naturally, of course. If the balance leans toward Mianite, then Dianite must bleed into Ianite for the brothers to equalize. The goddess of balance wields both order and chaos. If Mianite reigns, the neutral sister stands with Dianite in bringing chaotic revolution to the doorstep of tyrannical order. Likewise, if Dianite has plunged the world into darkness and fire, Ianite joins with Mianite in building armies and sanctuaries. “We are not pacifists, nor are we vindicators,” Andor said. “We are nature. We are whatever balance demands. We are void and we are hurricane. We are the healer. We are the warrior.” If Dianite had ravaged Ruxomar and Mianite had lay dormant for ten years, a blade in his chest, both Helgrind and Andor may have preached quite different yet still conflicting ideas. As a psychological note, an Ianitee will have a hard time if they’re conflict-avoidant, but they’ll go through Hell if they’re ill-tempered. The magic word is temperance. (See the Temperance arcana in Tarot.) I suppose I might as well go ahead and draw the comparison between an Ianitee and a centrist, a term which may hold some emotional charge for you if you follow politics. Put simply, a centrist holds moderate political views. I don’t identify as a centrist, but the term does describe me, and my refusal to accept the label might serve only to exacerbate the problems a centrist already has. My problem – which a certain type of Ianitee might share – is a lack of belonging. Few people consider you their ally because few have the time or interest to let you engage in the long, convoluted process of proving your character and earning their trust. On the surface you might seem – as I said before – like a fence sitter or even an enemy simply because you refuse to accept a proposed solution. Most people wish even their enemies some amount of good, but when it comes to choosing between friends and enemies, most will choose friends. You might not want to make that choice. You might want to save everyone. If you can’t, you won’t. Your stance may sound sensible once you’ve had time to parse it out, but it’s far smoother on paper than in practice, and it’s nigh impossible to preach “love thy enemy” to a wounded wolf. On the other hand, maybe you are a fence sitter. Maybe you genuinely don’t know right from wrong. Maybe you’re a bit of a nihilist. “Is all this conflict really worth it? Return it all to nothing. Void.” (In your local RP group, ever thought of playing an Ianitee who wants to “End It All?”) But hopefully, you’re more of an existentialist. You see meaning vested in people and their accomplishments. You want to help them find the best meaning for them and you don’t think they’ll do it by veering blindly toward every impulse. Extended streams of impulse gratification can lead to extreme ideological thinking, such as totalitarianism. You don’t want a world full of people who all think the same thing. Again, the magic word is temperance. There’s real importance in having two sides to a system. Take, for instance, the political structure of the United States. Democrats and republicans are ever at war, but what are they really doing under the surface? What are they intended to do? Well, that’s up for debate (some might say “kill each other”), but if we take a broad look at history, a pattern emerges. One party – the party of order, you could say – establishes hierarchy. It defines who is who and who gets what. It puts competent people in positions befitting them and treats the less competent with compassion. That’s if all goes well, but the party of order isn’t impervious to corruption. People who tout themselves as servants of God and the State turn out to be monsters who ravage the environment, the economy, the rule of law, and each other. That’s when – take this with a grain of salt – the party of chaos steps in. At first it calls for change. It articulates and expresses visions for a better order. It doesn’t seem so chaotic now, but as the corruption spreads, unhearing and unyielding, moderates and liberals become radicals. Calm discussions become battles for sweeping change. The rebels rage for equality and take it by massive persuasion or by force. They break up the calcified structure of the old order and drag it back down into the primal, bloody sea from which new order springs. (I’m dipping into Mesopotamian mythology here, and if you’re familiar with the Enuma Elish, you’ll know the significance of what I’m about to say.) Order will return, but it must be guided. Someone must ensure that the reborn world is more just and peaceful than the dead one. We need order within chaos—Yang within Yin—white dot within black swath.  I’ve just tried – and perhaps failed – to describe the eternal cycle of order and chaos in terms of real-world society. Now let me place it in a simplistic Mianite shell. Mianite builds hierarchy, Dianite tears it down, and Ianite stands in the middle, bearing two communicating vessels, ensuring that neither too much nor too little blood is spilled in the process of transformation from old to new. 

[fantastic-rambles]

Alive

Fandom: Psycho-Pass

Characters: Makishima Shougo

Warnings: None?

Word Count: <1k

Summary: As Makishima waits for Kougami at the top of the NONA Tower, he muses on everything that has led him to this moment. A short character study.

This world should be destroyed. It was impossible to pinpoint the first time the idea had occurred to him, or when it had grown into a conviction, the driving force behind his every action. But even from a young age, he'd never really recognized the system that refused to acknowledge him. And as he watched his peers simply continue onto the rails that had been laid out for them by a machine, without question or hesitation, that feeling had only grown stronger.

To have faith not in themselves, but in some impersonal algorithm, to merely acquiesce to the path of least resistance was something that Makishima could never understand. For the elites who were promised every luxury in exchange for their unquestioning obedience: how could they accept the crushing of their individuality for the sake of comfort? For the average citizens who were forced into simple drudgery: how could they be satisfied and unwilling to strive for more? And above all of that, the overarching fear for their mental state, of being labeled a latent criminal and pulled down into the darkness, with every right stripped from them, no matter who they had been before or how much they had achieved… did their souls not cry out against that indignity, beating their wings against the bars of the golden cage? At first, when his vague feelings had condensed into those thoughts, he'd hesitated, checking his Hue like any good citizen, thinking that he would be caught and forced into a medicated regimen that would erase his identity, or simply locked away for the rest of his life. But every time, it registered as clear as a cloudless sky. And thus, he had come to realize two possibilities: that Sybil either could not see who he really was, or that his way of thinking was simply correct. Not necessarily in terms of the thoughts themselves, seeing as many citizens were arrested for far less, but in his confidence in his beliefs that precluded any feelings of guilt or shame. Whichever was the case, the result was the same: he could move outside the purview of the system to pursue his goals. And that's exactly what he did, delving into the books that few read anymore while searching for like-minded comrades. Books from a time when the writers could speak more freely and reflect upon the imperfect but enthralling nature of humanity. People who could help him highlight the inherent flaws of the system and just how twisted their world had become. In both, he found the true distillation of the human spirit that Sybil sought to eliminate, ever striving and struggling for their own ends. Japan had become not a utopia, but a dystopia, fueled by its citizens' complacency, so the only way to wake them up was to destroy everything from the roots up, no matter the cost. In the end, he had decided that the fastest way to do that was to immerse them in the mire, to show them that their oh-so-vaunted Sybil had not really changed anything or made them safer. As discontent--or as it was called now, "stress levels"--increased, it would be the catalyst for change. Of course, if he could get close enough to simply destroy Sybil altogether, that was the ideal situation, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. So he and his collaborators gnawed at its foundations from the edges, until they had finally reached this pivotal moment. The sounds of combat pulled him from his thoughts and the sight of unrest in the city. Of course, he knew exactly who was pursuing him: it was why he had come here while sending Choe Gu-sung to fulfill the most critical role in their plans. If it was anyone else, he might have gone himself instead, but Gu-sung was no disposable pawn, unlike many of the others he had used to get here. He might even be the only one Makishima truly trusted, now that Touma was gone. But the man who waited for him now was much different, and yet, perhaps the closest to his spirit. He'd been impressed by Kougami ever since Oso Academy: even though they stood diametrically opposed to each other, Makishima was certain that they understood each other intimately. It was unfortunate that the Enforcer showed no interest in joining them, though it was understandable. Even so, when he finally came face to face with the man for the first time, Makishima felt a thrill that blew away his world-weariness. It seemed only fitting that at the end of it all, one of them would perish at the hands of the other. He even thought that he wouldn't mind if he were to be the one on the ground, with his life trickling away, because the decision to kill him would be Kougami's own will: not Sybil's, not the Bureau's, but the man's own deep, dark desires. Yes, only with Kougami did he ever really feel alive. It truly was a pity that he'd have to kill him.

[feather-dancer]

Now Ghosts he left behind Chapter 3 has been out nearly a couple of weeks suppose now is an acceptable amount of time to go on about ~*themes*~ that have been cropping up in the fic so far that aren’t at all plot relevant but are still important things I want to do justice to: LGBT+ rep and mental health particularly centred around anxiety. Understandably the following will contain spoilers I can’t avoid it, sorry!

~~~

Mental health

It probably doesn’t come as too big a surprise on the latter front, after all in the second chapter of the Strickler fic I tagged for unhealthy coping mechanisms which are loosely based on my own which also happened to have a reference at the end of the second chapter in Ghost!AU showing how far he’d come since then. Now I’ve read some excellent fics on the PTSD front, a few on dysphoria regarding the change from human to half troll but in regards to anxiety many seem to fall into the trap of thinking somebody is a bit more skittish or that it just gives you a more nervous nature. As somebody who has generalised anxiety myself, I really wish it was that simple.

In this fic’s case the anxiety is being heavily tangled in the dysphoria of the change where he’s left alone to process everything while being hit with reminders of what he no longer is thus putting more fuel on the pyre as a result. In a stressful situation (Sometimes not even then!) it can get stuck in a loop of self-created belief such as here Merlin kept him away deliberately though we know this isn’t the case and will warp reality/memories to fit like how he misremembers that Merlin also said his visions are imperfect if there’s nothing to snap you out of it then those spirals often lead to panic attacks or worse a full breakdown. Here his brain is trying to make sense of the impossible, jumping to the most logical conclusion it can come up with and through bad luck has this very wrong thought process that he’s a threat to everyone else. Having been on one or two of these they really do suck! Quite often dissociation goes hand in hand whether you’re aware of it happening or not and thus far he’s had a couple bouts that he’s dubbing blackouts currently. There is also the classic ‘background’ noise variant where for no real reason your fight / flight reflex is jammed on when it feels like it though Jim as shown by the CBD techniques at the start of chapter 3 is doing his best to keep a handle on those spiking too far and Claire mentions he taught her a few to help out to show that his friends know and he is able to talk about it without feeling the need to hide in plain sight every waking moment. If you’re forced to stealth you get frighteningly good about hiding full blown panic attacks and it’s not a healthy situation to be in.

On Toby’s end he mentions a specific situation where anxiety was likely involved before Jim was diagnosed. In it when confronted with a situation option a was bad, option b was worse and there was no good outcomes because his brain got stuck on those. He also mentions being moral support helping get Jim into a position that he would be able to go home but refused to leave him alone until he was sure he was okay. It’s worth pointing out he figured the reason everything kicked off was the ‘problem’ of coming out to Barbara and her not reacting well (Which was an understandable conclusion!) and only later realised anxiety was what made the entire thing even worse and he unintentionally did the right thing to help. Barbara also mentions Jim being on medication for it, the original ones to mysteriously stop working which are implied to be while Toby was pretending to be Jim then moved onto another treatment which was brought up via Strickler’s concern about going cold turkey. As much as anxiety freaking sucks I felt it was important to show that nothing in relation to it is treated as abnormal, it is simply life with having your brain being a bit on the funky side and that sometimes makes you think illogically. It’s not your fault when it happens.

~~~

LGBT+

When I began writing this fic one thing I wanted from the get go is that characters who are LGBT+ are not forced into a scenario created by the plot to out them to the reader/someone else nor signposted in a cheap way to score points because even when you’re with friends who know you’re not saying it every two seconds and even more so when in a stressful circumstance where your son/best friend is currently missing. With this thought in mind, Jim has always been written as Trans but prior to Chapter 3 I simply had no way to bring it up because right now he’s too busy freaking out about being a half troll to notice if anything is different and on this same coin, Claire is Bi while Toby is Pan with a bonus order of trying to figure himself out. There’s others too! Sadly much like confirming Jim is also Bi I’ve not had a way to naturally bring it up as yet if I will at all but they are being written with it in mind.

Jim was a trickier one to bring up because he’s not about to vouch for himself so it was a much easier route to instead hint drop and hope one if not all of them clicked with a reader who he is without any of them being done in a way that could come across as dickish. Barbara got the first two with mentioning Jim should know better about using a given name in regards to Not!Enrique and a second one in regards to another form of medication he’s taking but because she didn’t know if Strickler knew (Incidentally he does) thus she deliberately phrased it vaguely and was ready for the possibility of upset without outing her son because she’s a good parent!! Toby is who gets the rest through a roundabout way mentioning how bad his pre-medicated anxiety could be when he came out as mentioned in the previous section and a second time where he says he didn’t care what he looked like because Jim is always Jim to him. The final important note was how he specifically said that he would not second party exactly what happened because it’s Jim’s choice if he tells her or not. We love and support good friends in this house.

Then there was the inclusion of the river troll Trisantona who is marked as non-binary by calling themselves the child of and the kids think absolutely nothing of it and are more annoyed with their attitude than anything else. Personally I see many trolls and changelings particularly very eh about gender and wanted a little implication they are far from the first troll they’ve encountered who doesn’t fit a human binary so it doesn’t even register as unusual. 

In Claire’s case she had two hints, the first bring a straight joke because it might be low hanging fruit but it’s hilarious I can’t help it while the second was her commentary on Toby’s reactions to name drops because she couldn’t resist teasing him. Small but both very deliberate.

Toby in the meanwhile has been having hint drops since chapter 2 which has only continued in how he keeps comparing reactions Claire is causing to what Jim does to him then you get him openly telling Claire about how it feels like his heart is a bunch of apartments and can the world stop having so many good-looking people in it. That ties in with the two mentions of doing research for a word he hasn’t quite got yet but he’s mostly been sidetracked by everything going on right now.

Homophobia, biphobia and particularly transphobia is rife and only increasing in this country where it feels like every week it’s only getting worse. While in the grand scheme of things it’s probably inconsequential it is important to be the change you want to see in the world. Mine? Even in this mess of an angst fic I want to showcase LGBT+ peeps who are treated as they should be with love and support by friends, family and strangers alike. Being Trans, Bi or whichever label that particular character uses it is simply part of who they are and not a character trait slapped on afterwards for easy points plus if I see one more fic where a Trans character gets outted to others without their consent because the author figured that’s the only way you can do it I’ll go feral.

In a completely unrelated note Douxie is non-binary Panromatic Ace in everything I write and anybody who doesn’t like that can suck it.

[ourrightside]

10 Reasons Why Carrie Bradshaw Wasn’t THAT Bad...

Sex and the City is the most elite series I’ve ever watched - and I was so excited to purchase the first season when I turned 18.

I would listen to my mom and my sister gossip about the show when I was younger and feel so left out. But, my mom would refuse to let me watch it until I became an adult. Thank god.

Being an avid fan now, I sometimes scan through Sex and the City articles on the net, and can’t help but notice dozens of articles filled with ‘Carrie’ slander - which kind of makes me nervous.

Although it was true that years ago girls were labeling themselves as the ‘Carrie’, ‘Samantha’ and ‘Charlotte’ of the group - the serious and less glamorous friend got stuck with being a ‘Miranda’; it is kind of an insult now to be deemed as a Carrie. 

As we all matured, we realized that being a Miranda is amazing and we should all strive to be just as successful - but Carrie Bradshaw is still a valid character and I’m here to prove why the “sexual anthropologist” is not all that bad. 

Now before I dive into why I totally get Carrie Bradshaw, I would just like to point out before hand that I am aware that she is just a fictional character and hopefully you are too. If you are not informed, then I apologize for this harsh revelation. However, let’s continue. 

1. She was average looking

While we can all agree that her physique only gets stronger and leaner throughout the series, she was still not exactly perfect looking. Despite her fit body, she was not model like or necessarily tall. She did not have a perfect nose. She did not have the biggest ‘lady parts’. She did not have the plumiest lips. She did not have perfect facial symmetry.

But, she was okay with it. And has mentioned that by the age of 30, she was over being uncomfortable with her looks and decided to move on.

Despite constantly bumping into models and having to accept that men can be total “modelizers” - especially in the capital of the world aka manhattan, she chose to embrace her natural beauty, which in turn has allowed her to walk the runway in her underwear.

2. She was selfish 

Yes, the new trend is to be selfish and say no - because that is ‘self love’.

If that truly is the case, then there was no denying then that Carrie was selfish throughout the series.

As human beings, we are selfish by nature. But since we now identify ourselves in societies with expected norms and values, being selfish disqualifies you sometimes from your environment. To avoid being lonely, we try to let go of being selfish or at least hide our selfish traits.

Unfruitfully so, our selfish instincts at times fail us - exposing our true colors. And whenever that happens, people aren’t too afraid of pointing out what you did wrong. It doesn’t make us necessarily evil, just makes us human.

To avoid being Freudian in this post, let’s just sum up that Carrie is harmlessly selfish at times - that includes being late to every event, asking her friend Susan Sharon if she could trade in her cashmere sweater birthday gift for cash, accepting a pair of 600$ shoes from her other super rich friend, and cutting off Charlotte’s possible infertility problem discussion to talk about her Manolos.

The list goes on, I mean - this is just classic Bradshaw behavior. However, this character cannot be deemed as bad. She was just under the spotlight, and if we were under it too, we would find out that we do have these moments as well without realizing it. We are not perfect. However, Carrie does reflect on her mistakes often, which is something we should be doing more. 

Sometimes, her selfish tendencies can really get out of hand. 

It was not okay when she got angry at Charlotte who did not offer to lend her money after she blew it all off on Manolo Blahnik shoes instead of rent. It was not okay when she threw away Aiden down the drain. It was not okay when she slept with a married man, even if it was ‘Mr. Big’.

We cannot shame her though because we all have hidden skeletons in our closets...it’s up to you however to peak in and see which faults make it or break it for you. 

3. She was a working woman 

No offense to chastity ball princess Charlotte, who wanted to be a housewife to any rich man who crossed path with her, Carrie Bradshaw was by all means an ‘all star’ business woman. Despite being unconventional unlike Samantha Jones (PR executive) and Miranda Hobbes (Harvard-graduate Lawyer), Carrie Bradshaw was a restless woman that worked in multiple fields all at once despite being so undermined.

She had so many tasks to tackle all at once while juggling multiple projects. She ran around between the fields of Journalism, Content Marketing and Public Relations. She was able to get invited into all the ‘fabulous’ events and meetings because of the hard work she invested in all by herself as a freelancer who lived in a huge place like New York. Carrie finally reached her goal at the age of 40, which was working at Vogue. She even wrote multiple books as well.

4. She was unconventional

Despite the show running in the early 90s, Carrie Bradshaw decided to be a sex columnist. She never gave up on her weird unconventional job and was proud of her career despite the looks or comments people would make. She had a weird exterior in addition to how upfront she was about the physical makings of life.

In addition, Carrie did not believe in marriage until she became a fiancée at the age of 40. She traded in a ring for a pair of shoes and a walk-in closet, unlike most women, who would rather get married in their mid 20 to early 30s with a huge rock on their finger. 

5. She was struggling at adulting

Carrie Bradshaw had a deluded concept of adulting that at least most of us had or still struggle with. She was not a healthy adult with financial stability and a well thought out regime. However, she still managed to be fabulous.

She had poor dieting habits, which made her sometimes skip dinner to buy Vogue instead. She believed that shopping and gossiping were the best types of cardio. She was not the cleanest and had a messy apartment at most times. She did not care about the way her living space looked like, which she later on freaked out about in fear of being judged as an imperfect adult according to Mr Big. She paid so much on shoes that she could no longer afford her rent. She believed that investments must be seen in her closet. She drank at least six dollars worth of coffee per day. She would smoke and drink way too much for a thirty year old woman.

6. She was a good friend

Carrie Bradshaw had so many friends that it almost put her PR bestie Samantha to shame. To be honest, Carrie may have not been a perfect friend, but she was as good as it gets realistically.

What made her so realistic in her friendships was her ability to be there for most of her friends’ hardships. She had her ups and downs with her empowered female group because sometimes they would feel like she was too problematic and vice versa. For the most part, it is impossible to be as passionate to your friends as you once were the first time you guys met. But what makes a friend a good one is that they never voluntarily try to find excuses to leave you behind.

Carrie’s love towards her friends in her good and bad times showed that she valued them like family. 

7. She was lost

Carrie was probably more lost than she would have liked to be. She had a tendency to dwell on what should have been and could have been. We all have regrets and sometimes she voiced hers out more than other characters within the show. She would sometimes yearn over the years that passed by her. She even went to extremes such as dating a college boy just to remember what it was like to ‘just kiss’. Rookie Mistake, Carrie.

Just like Carrie, as time goes by at any age, we look back at the spur of events that created our timeline and take note sometimes of which events we deem as either life-changing, traumatizing or both.

8. She was experimental 

She may not have been as promiscuous as her friend Samantha, but she was unarguably adventurous in all aspects of her life. Although the most obvious aspect may have been her outfits, her wild colors and funny textural accessories were just a preview on how eccentric Carrie Bradshaw truly was. She mentioned that her younger years were a genuine pursuit of fun in every shape or form, which most twenty-something-year-olds cannot deny.

She emphasized that she fears living life as a cautious person because of the hurt she has endured. However, she truly defined throughout the show what it means to be eccentric, empowering the ones who fail the experiments of life to get back on their feet. 

9. She was flawed

Carrie Bradshaw believed in the glass half full rather than half empty throughout the series. Despite being unbearably flawed to the point where her friends no longer wanted to listen to her problems, she decided to see a shrink which is something that would have been especially socially-unacceptable in the 90s. Carrie still overcame her mental issues and found other remedies which in turn has led her into accepting the way things played out. 

As we grow up, we, like Carrie, need a little bit of help in order to realize that temporary issues will fade away into lessons and the permanent ones that are out of our control can be accessorized into our lives accordingly to the way that we want it to look like.

10. She was in love

Her love towards Mr Big was illogical - almost completely insane. But what made her character so special was the fact that she never continued her relationship with Aiden because she knew deep down that it was Mr Big all along and never gave up on it; despite all the signs that kept telling her that he was bad for her. He was at the time indeed bad news, which made her feelings towards him fluctuate between love and hate.

Now, the psychology behind her and Mr Big does not justify why you should call your ex right now so put your phone down, but it is something to think about. 

Carrie took the road not taken for most women, especially during the 90s where gender roles in love where still a bit rigid. While it is true that it is always easier to date lovers who make the effort to chase you rather than pursuing it yourself, the easiness does not create the ‘fairytale love’ that most of us strive for.

Carrie once described her love towards him as a crash rather than a crush. But if something deep down is telling you that someone is your person, shouldn’t that account for something? Shouldn’t we all just go for ‘ ridiculous, inconvenient, time-consuming can’t-live-without-each-other love’, and get it right just like she did?

- Nina xx (yasminasayyid)

[alchemist-shizun]

I saw you in a dream. (Then it came to an end.)

Read on Ao3!

Happy belated birthday to one of the best people in the world: @lance-alt! I promised I’d do something for you on Monday, but of course I have to make people wait for the juicy stuff. (read: the juicy stuff will be your tears after this, probably.) Love you bro!

General taglist: @whizzie72 @sapphire-knight @burningpersonflapsuitcase @softanxiouspatton @royallyanxious @kim-argent-moon @lance-alt (tell me if you want to be added or removed)

Taglist: @unsocialchapeau

Word Count: 2,626

Characters: mainly Remus, Logan, Deceit, Roman, (mentioned Virgil)

Pairing(s): onesided!Intrulogical, implied Loceit

Warning(s): Angst. So much angst. Also unresolved angst. Yelling, Swearing. Might be a bit ooc cause I can’t write Remus the way I’d like.

Summary: What do we not do for a loved one? What do we not do for the sake of a friendship? What do we not do to make sure we destroy ourselves in favor of others? And how exactly did Remus think he was going to be perfectly fine?

A/N: I am not sorry. This is a human AU btw. Enjoy! :3

❝Though I am bruised

Face of contusions

Know I’ll keep moving❞

Remus would have never blamed D.

It was middle school, and middle schoolers were widely known for their passion of brushing off specific people who didn’t appear quite as appropriate for themselves in their eyes.

He had always been a devastating tornado according to those around him, unable to be tamed unless given space to burst until not even a gentle breeze was left to tickle his skin.

D, on the other hand, knew how to be cool and poised, but that didn’t mean his nature was the one of an innocent puppy.

No, better yet, he was more like a domesticated beast.

That truly gave the teachers a hard time, because once combined they became inseparable and never really ceased to meddle with them.

And yet … students were most definitely inclined to avoid Remus at best, while when it came to D only curious and interested glances were given.

Remus would have never blamed him though, D didn’t even realize how far better they were treating him compared to his friend. He only focused on how close-minded people still were in there.

Who was he not to join in his complaining?

Everything would have been fine with him for as long as their friendship stayed that way. A messy supportive two-participants family.

It felt like a welcoming and roaring fire at the same time, the chaos they brought just with their understanding looks and smirks.

They knew they were going to end up with a long lasting friendship and they were proud to remind those around them by never losing sight of each other at school.

And it was okay that way, with only just D accepting him the way he was, he didn’t really need much else.

Until that cursed afternoon.

There was an extracurricular sort of contest their school held right after lessons every year, but Remus could barely remember what it even was about

All he remembered was that damned marvellous thoughtful and focused expression when he looked a bit to his left to the boy sitting next to him.

Oh, the irony.

It had been right then that it had hit him. That maybe … maybe there was already something else. A something that transformed into something more with every little bit of interaction they shared.

Roman knew him, they were in the same class, and he had to complain at least once a day about how unnerving the guy was, always challenging him do debates Roman was so inclined to win that it took a third party member, Virgil, to separate them.

How the three of them were still close friends after three years was still a mystery to many.

So that was when he first heard about Logan.

But his brother and him weren’t exactly known for having the safest household in the world, so inviting friends over was a hard no. Then, the actual first time Remus had seen him was when he entered middle school that year.

At first he hadn’t obviously realized his crush, but after he had spent the minimal amount of time with Logan, it was so blatant that even he couldn’t deny it to himself.

He could have also labelled it as the first time someone other than his brother and D had recognized him as another human other than a weird poltergeist to avoid. There was a way he spoke with that low tone and thoughtful arguments that would have probably made him melt right on the spot. Or maybe it was his sharp features, or the way he thought he had looked at him that one time.

Remus was deep down the river at the base of the cliff, the tip of his hair barely managing to be untouched by the water.

Damn Roman. Damn Roman and his storytelling, and how Remus had always rooted for Logan in their discussions, how he had already taken a liking into him and had already doomed himself.

It was break, fifteen minutes of pure relaxation, and Remus and D had already spent the first five minutes together, trying to get away from the stress of the ending of the first term.

D’s eyes lit up as they turned a corner, Remus followed his gaze as he spoke.

« Hey! Why is this the first time I see you since school started? » a toothy smile displayed on his lips. It was almost as bright as the one he reserved to him.

« Your cousin is impossible to move from his seat. » Logan’s crystalline voice cleared. « So Roman and I mostly stay in class with him. »

« Ugh, » D rolled his eyes. « I apologize on his behalf. » he didn’t hide the fond tone when he talked, though.

« No, it’s quite alright by us. » had he ever not turned to Remus, maybe he wouldn’t have regretted meeting Logan in the long run. « Oh, I didn’t even introduce myself properly the other day. » he stretched out his hand. « I am Logan. »

« I know. »

Panic.

Fuck. Fuck what did you just say, why. Now he’ll think you’re creepy, too.

D put an arm around his shoulders. « Yeah, he’s Roman’s brother. » perhaps a saviour? « And sometimes he’s just as dense as him. »

Remus scoffed. « Lies. I’m a better idiot than him. »

That got a chuckle out of both. He felt delighted.

As he saw Logan about to withdraw his hand, Remus took it almost instantly.

Oh my god what the fuck are you doing?

« I’m Remus. » the bell rang and maybe his ears were too.

« My pleasure. » Logan conceded before letting go and starting to backtrack to his class. « I’ll see you two around. »

And as fast as he arrived, he was gone.

Like a blurry hallucination or those spots you see when you get up too fast from the couch.

The rest of the day-

Well, he didn’t remember much anymore.

Maybe the fact that he and Logan did actually have something in common.

When there was a group of three, there would always be the two that shared the stronger chemistry. And if Logan didn’t feel as close to Roman and Virgil, Remus sure as heck knew if anyone interacted with D and him, he would have felt like something was off most of the times.

There were flashes of memories that crossed his mind ever since Logan had left middle school to start his first year of high-school.

Most were all the meet ups they had with D during break, the glances he caught and buried deep down in his heart, the laughter of all three of them, how their dynamics colliding were actually definitely working well together.

What he remembered mostly were the furtive tears that were shed on their last day.

He never told D about that.

It was when he went home that he couldn’t have hidden it from Roman any longer. His brother had affirmed that he had been crying even more than himself, which was saying a lot.

So the words came out like a destructive flood, deleting with a burning strength all the hopeful thoughts.

« Rem, listen here. » Roman, thankfully, had spoken up before his mind would have travelled down risky paths. « Not seeing each other almost everyday doesn’t mean you won’t be friends any longer. »

He had only looked up from the pavement. Were he to look back at this memory years after he’d have thought himself to be pathetic.

« And you can definitely meet after school whenever you want. If our parents won’t let you, I’ll come with. »

And that they did, slowly trying to gain their parents’ trust to let them go out by themselves until they were both attending high-school.

Another three years would have passed before the lethal “last day” would come again, but the trio made sure to imprint the best memories together while they had the time.

Only that the most unexpected things happen at the worst times.

Remus and D were both in the third year; things seemed to be going smoothly as ever, between all the tests and mental breakdowns for said tests, Remus would have never thought to cross the threshold of his school and be met with loud yelling not too further away from his class.

Normally he wouldn’t have really cared much.

Unless the two subjects were Logan and D. Which they were. Which had also made him pale with a horrible feeling in his guts.

He couldn’t make out what they were saying as the screaming in his thoughts didn’t leave him alone.

« MIT, Logan. Seriously! You’re insane! »

« I had my reasons! »

D scoffed and put his face in his hands for a beat. « Refusing because of your friendships is not a valid reason! »

Remus was confused. He really didn’t want to be there at all.

« It is when you don’t want to lose them. »

« You wouldn’t have, you idiot! »

« Guys what’s- »

« There is a reason if we’re friends! »

« -going …? » he could see the profound rage in D’s caramel irises. One glance and you’re dead.

« You didn’t trust us to maintain our friendship, did you? Is that why you refused the international internship? »

« That’s absurd, that’s not what I mean! »

« It sounds a lot like it’s exactly what you mean! »

Remus connected the dots.

Friendship. MIT. International internship. Logan had refused to be an intern abroad only because of them. He had been too afraid to loose them as friends if he were to be away too long.

And, of course, D was mad about his lost opportunity. He would have never admit it at that moment, but he felt guilty, too.

« You sure talk a lot and pretend you’re smart but, really, you’re just as stupid sometimes. »

The look in Logan’s eyes changed.

Oh no. Oh no no no no.

« Fine then. I’ll keep on being stupid on my own. » he walked away in a instant, steps long and furious, opposing the low tone of his voice, but matching the seething fire in his chest.

« D- »

« Please, don’t. » D looked at him with broken eyes. « I’m fine. We’re fine. I’ll see you during break, okay? »

Remus only nodded and headed to his own class. He pretended he didn’t feel awful as he walked by the door to Logan’s own class.

It was as D said. Fine.

Everything was going to be okay.

Except it wasn’t, because that was the last time both of them talked with Logan.

The two wouldn’t even look at each other and Remus couldn’t help but side with D. That meant he wouldn’t have interacted with the older boy either.

And so time passed … months. Avoiding each other when all you ever wanted was to share at least a single word.

It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fine at all, it hurt so much and Remus didn’t know how longer he would have been able to handle it.

Yet, he was too afraid to do anything. He wouldn’t have wanted to loose D’s friendship too because of a reckless action. And he did lots of them. So, for once, he stayed put and let the Fates do their work.

Which ended into the fight remaining unresolved, Logan graduating from high-school and both of them never meeting him again.

Roman had tried to bring up the argument multiple times, but Remus had decided to bury everything deep down and avoid ever bringing it up.

Like a ghost, Logan appeared to exist only in his mind. A mind that he didn’t seem to want to leave. Even despite all that had been going down his ridiculously tough teenage life.

Remus and D had no idea how they made it through the final exams.

They also had no clue how they almost completely lost contact after the beginning of university.

Maybe it wasn’t loneliness he felt after that. Maybe it was more disappointment.

It wasn’t like it was anyone’s fault, though. Their lessons never matched, so during the week it was almost impossible to meet, sometimes they had jobs in the weekend to pay for apartments nearby their universities.

Texts became a burden they both forgot to remember to answer, it was as if anything was a priority to socializing and it was driving them insane.

Even sad.

Then one day, out of the blue, D had texted him in a way he hadn’t done in too long. He sounded greatly excited and he had told Remus he needed to meet him as soon as possible.

He had a surprise!

Remus was radiant that day, finally getting the chance he deserved to recover their friendship.

It was a Friday afternoon, he was walking down the street towards the place they had agreed on to meet.

D was right in front of him. But enough meters away so that he couldn’t recognize yet the person walking alongside him. Remus narrowed his eyes, almost squeezing them shut at some point. Did the sun have to be so bright right above them that day?

He put a hand on his forehead to shield his vision.

He wished he didn’t.

Not because the guy next to D was Logan.

Not because his heart made three somersaults before twisting one last time as though he fell in love all over again at once, hitting his chest like a violent wind in a snowstorm.

Not because he was smiling so wide his face would have fallen off any second.

But because, as his eyes focused and examined their figures, he noticed the details.

Like their joined hands, fingers intertwined the way he would have wanted to but had never been brave enough to do.

How they looked lovingly at each other before turning back to him.

His own smile faltering for a second and then going back as it was before. Normal, sure, but fake. Fake, but not blatant enough to be discovered.

He couldn’t do this to them.

And sure he was going to be happy for them right? They had been friends. He was going to survive by internalizing everything in himself, right? He was going to forget about all his feelings in favour of his closest friends. That was the right thing to do.

It happened to everyone.

It did.

He could survive.

Hurting in the process, but he could.

The day went by in an instant, a terrible, calamitous and painstakingly long instant in which he hoped he had been hallucinating all along.

Remus had wiped everything he had seen while on his way home. He forcefully removed any kind of thought in his head so he could bask in the numbness until the silent chaos of the world around him stopped making sense.

He threw the door to his home open.

Except that it wasn’t his home and that he had somehow gotten to Roman’s own apartment, red eyes adorning his face in a brutally doleful expression.

His brother was immediately at his side, arms wrapped around his chest, with an understanding look in his eyes and anticipation for the tears to come.

He had known about Logan and D getting together before Remus, so he had seen something like that coming.

Yet Roman didn’t know it would’ve hit him hard too, seeing his brother so broken.

So he let Remus cry his soul out, while nothing else could have been done.

Dreaming, perhaps.

That was all he had left.

[spinnerofrubies]

Being is your most important task right now – there is no doing involved!  Being is to accept yourselves in this moment . . . and this moment . . . and this moment, without judgment or negative self-assessment of any kind.

The vast majority of humans have learned during their formative years that they must do or not do certain things in order to be accepted and loved by their parents, siblings, families, and teachers or caregivers.  Just being is discouraged because it appears that there is so much that needs to be done, and that hard work is an essential aspect of a successful life, while doing nothing is seen as a waste of time, as laziness.

To a certain extent this is a valid concept.  However, and for vast numbers of people, work has become life’s purpose – even though they may often dream of being free, of having holidays away from the stress of normal daily living – thus separating them from the fullness of their being!  Being is who you are, and if you do not allow yourselves to spend plenty of time just being – and most of humanity does not – you cannot know yourselves.

When you were born into human life, the life of form, your memory of who you really are was lost to you.  This is because of that long ago choice to experience separation from Source.  If you retained your memory you would not experience separation.  However, Source knows that not only is separation impossible, and that therefore the experience of separation is harmless, She also knows that that experience is something you would – eventually – choose to terminate, and so your collective awakening process was established at the precise instant that you chose to experience separation, in order that it would be there for you to avail of as soon as you chose to do so.

Now vast numbers of you are making the choice to terminate the experience of separation, and in that choice you are finding or uncovering within yourselves the awakening process.

It has always been there.

God did not choose to have you spend millennia incarnating and incarnating and incarnating as you sought the way Home.  He placed it within you, clearly marked and labeled, so that when you chose to awaken the means was there.

Because you had chosen the separation experience that too was there for you, and although it presented you with a multitude of lessons to learn which seemed to insist that you undergo many incarnations to complete the learning process, there was and is no requirement for you to do so.

Over the eons humanity became addicted to the distractions and excitements of the separation experience – duality, right versus wrong, good versus evil, love versus fear – that being in form made possible, and you came to believe that one life in form was all that you would get, so you had better make the most of it.

Yes, many cultures established myths and religions that spoke of an afterlife, and of the karmic necessity for many reincarnations, but those too were distractions.

You are, each and every one of you – in every moment of your existence – One with Source, Love, Mother/Father/God in your own unique and individual way, and so you will each find or uncover your own unique way Home to that state of eternal knowing.

The myths and religions were helpful at times, they were like incompleted maps which offered some directions, but which needed to be individualized as each of you was on a different spot on that map.  But over time many of them they became power structures, which some used to control others with judgments of what was right and wrong, and with severe punishments imposed by the ‘authorities’ on this who refused to conform.

Now, as you move along through the awakening process toward Home, you are rediscovering your God-given sovereignty, your divine right to choose your own unique path.  Only your path will work for you.  

People are, therefore, breaking away from the bonds and restrictions of organized religions, with their idea of one path for all, and the judgments they have established to validate the truth of that, and of what is right or wrong.  They are coming to the realization that, yes, there is only Love, and that the only rule is to be loving at all times.

As you have been told so often, Love never judges or condemns, Love always accepts.  Those who live lovingly never intentionally harm or seek to harm or offend anyone.

When someone judges you or offers you uncalled for advice or guidance they are not offering you Love.  However, when someone listens to you compassionately without offering advice or guidance, she allows you to find yourself within yourself, if you choose to listen to yourself, hear yourself, understand what you have said, and then truly look within.

Looking within is the key to finding your awakening process, but many have been so traumatized, and have buried so much pain and suffering deep within themselves, that they are constantly seeking distraction from that insistent but very quiet call to go within.

They are terrified of what they will find there.  Yes, they will uncover shame, blame, unworthiness, and memories of unloving behaviors that have hurt them badly and with which they have harmed or hurt others.  But then, with the loving assistance of their individual support teams in the spiritual realms, they will be able to come to an understanding of why all this occurred, and through that understanding will be able to see the invalidity of those negative self-judgments, allowing them to forgive themselves, and any others who have harmed or shamed them.  The knowing that they are God’s beloved children will arise and confirm itself, and then they will be able to release their hold on the buried guilt and shame that they have been carrying for so long.

By releasing these burdens they allow and invite Love to embrace them, which It does instantly, and the result is an intense sense of inner peace, self-acceptance, and love for all.  It is the dropping or discarding of an enormously heavy and energy-draining burden or load, that serves neither them nor anyone else, and a marvelous experience of lightness and peace replaces it, as all the shoulds and musts, or shouldn’ts or mustn’ts just fall away, and, often for the very first time, the person feels FREE, ALIVE and filled with joy for life.

This is your natural state as a human, but it has been hidden, buried, unavailable because of all those invalid negative beliefs about yourselves that the various traumas you have undergone have ingrained deep within you.  Self-acceptance is essential, it is your path Home, and it is also, of course, the wonderful realization that Mother/Father/God, Source, Love is your nature, that you are One with That, and that THAT is YOU!

Humanity is awakening, and the realization of that ONENESS is dawning every day on more and more of you.  The evidence of this is available for all to see because of the ability that each has to cruise the world-wide-web and meet others who, like themselves, are enthusiastically choosing to awaken.

Do not engage with the ongoing dramas with which the mainstream and social media flood the airwaves in order to distract you.

Choose not to spend inordinate amounts of time checking phones, emails, and your favorite news sources, because doing so is extremely addictive.  Instead set a precise and very brief time period no more than twice daily – morning and evening, perhaps – to learn what you feel you need to know about local or world affairs, and then get on with LIFE.

The miracle that is life reveals itself to you in every moment if you pay attention by being mindful, instead of engaging with the negative thought patterns that flow automatically and uninvited through your minds whenever you let your awareness stop being aware.

You are awakening, it is the divine Will that you do so, and the divine Will is always perfectly achieved.

Therefore let go of or release your tight and fearful grip on doubts and ‘what if’ thoughts that do not serve you, and allow the Love, that you and every conscious entity truly is, to embrace you, inspiring and uplifting you as you go about your daily lives in form.

Your loving brother, Jesus.

[yoakkemae-moved]

                         BEN GUILLORY’S NATAL CHART. 

Sun in Scorpio. 

Scorpios are known for their intensity. They are determined folk who positively throw themselves into whatever they do — but getting them to commit to something is rarely an easy task. In fact, it’s better not to even try to "get them" to do anything. Solar Scorpios undoubtedly have their own mind. And, their primary motivation is unlikely to be prestige (like their Capricorn friends), or even authority (Leos can have that, too)–it's real power. Their power can absolutely be of the “behind the scenes” variety, just as long as they have it!

As a Sun sign Scorpio, you are intense and have a powerful memory. You feel things deeply, and you retain your emotional memories longer than many. Scorpio is a Water sign, and you are unusually empathetic and perceptive, picking up on the tiniest of cues on emotional levels. You're able to read a person quickly and thoroughly. Scorpio is also from the Fixed family, and this endows you with endurance, tenacity, and loyalty.

To others, Scorpios seem to have plenty of willpower. They probably do. Scorpios do know what they want, and they won't go out and grab it at the wrong moment. They simply sit back, watch (quite expertly), and then get it only when the moment is just right. This apparent patience is, in fact, their powerful strategic skills at work.

Scorpio isn't afraid of getting their hands (their bodies, their minds) dirty. The darker side of life intrigues them, and they're always ready to investigate. With Scorpio as your Sun sign, you are "all in" when you choose to do something. You're there for people you love, and you are unafraid of the darker, deeper side of things.

Scorpios rarely give up. They have tremendous staying power. As a Scorpio, you are not in the slightest intimidated by anybody or anything -- at least that's how you come across.

Confrontations are not a problem. In fact, talk to any Scorpio about their lives, and you'll probably be in awe about all they've experienced. Upheaval, change, and intensity of experience may seem to follow them wherever they go. When a Scorpio is optimistic or learns optimism, instead of expecting the worst, they'll find that they possess amazing regenerative powers — the power to heal, create, and transform.

As a Scorpio, you are not a person who takes things (or people, relationships) lightly, and for you to be on board, you need to find personal meaning in whatever you do. You may discover that there are people who are intimidated by you since you tend to exude a particular intensity that may have some wondering and worrying how you feel about them. Once they get to know you, however, they realize that although you have strong feelings and opinions, you are exceedingly understanding.

Scorpio is known as a vengeful sign, probably due to that long memory and passionate nature mentioned above, but on the other side of the coin, they love deeply and don't give up on those they love without very good reason. Of course, learning to let go doesn't come easily to this sign, but it's far from impossible. In fact, the sign of Scorpio rules rebirth and transformation.

You are amazingly resilient, undeniably perceptive, and highly intelligent. You can be very shrewd when you need to be, and you love to draw up plans and strategies. You are extremely creative and enterprising, as well as daring and brave. Rarely pretentious, Scorpio is a sign that places tremendous value on authenticity.

Ascendant in Aquarius.

How unique and original you come across! With your Aquarius Ascendant, you are an unconventional individual and you won't let others forget that fact. Often turned to for advice, you possess intellectual poise and savvy. You are super curious about and quite learned in both science and metaphysics--anything that involves advancement of the human race holds much appeal.

Your personality is unusual and notable -- people notice you! You are interested in a wide range of issues and can interact without affectation with anyone from all walks of life. You are a natural leader and have a nonchalant look and manner. Because you may seem indifferent, impassionate, or intellectual, people may not immediately notice your loyalty.

It's hard to shock you! You've seen it all, or at least you want others to think you have. In fact, you often enjoy shocking people. Not that you are necessarily flamboyant by nature, but you do like to get a rise out of others, even if it's in a quiet way. Some people born with your Ascendant sign can be quietly provocative and irreverent.

Most people with an Aquarius Ascendant are quite friendly and likable. Your personality quirks generally go over quite well with others. You usually allow others quite a bit of freedom--accepting, as a rule, people from all walks of life as equals. And, your somewhat cool and detached curiosity about all that goes on around you appeals to most people.

You won't follow others blindly. While you are attracted to many different and unusual ideas, you need to experiment for yourself before coming to conclusions. You are highly resistant to being told what to do, think, or be.

Curiously, people like yourself who have Aquarius rising can be a little standoffish while also coming across as humanitarian and kind. Even if Aquarius isn't your Sun sign, people might, on first impression, see you as a person with Aquarian personality traits.

It's quite likely that you were labeled as the independent and original child, and you feel a little "different" or "special" throughout your life. You could often feel like you are on the outside looking in, and your ability to observe and deduce is often uncanny. You're also adept at getting things to work, even when the parts that make up the whole seem like a puzzle with unusual pieces--especially when it comes to groups of people. This sets you apart as a friend, manager, or team leader.

You believe in individual freedom and independence, and you refuse to conform just because people expect you to. Although you have progressive and often nontraditional viewpoints, you can also be quite stubborn and decided with your opinions.

If you are often considered the objective, unemotional one, then you can have some difficulty getting help when you need it most. Try not to overidentify with your image.

The Ascendant often reveals physical mannerisms and even choice of dress, as it shows how people present themselves to the world. With Aquarius here, you can have a certain quirkiness to your manner, and you might dress in a slightly offbeat manner--not enough to make you stand out like a sore thumb, but just enough to express your original temperament.

Sensitive parts of the body are the shins and ankles, and circulation, the nervous system, or eyesight can need attention.

Because you seem so open to new ideas, it may surprise others when they encounter your decidedly stubborn streak. Aquarius is a fixed sign, after all. The ascendant sign shows how individuals react to new situations, and with Aquarius rising, there can be a resistance to change that seems to belie your generally progressive nature. There's a distinct inflexibility with Aquarian rising people, and, sometimes, a tendency to want to force their opinions on others.

With your eye to the future of mankind as a whole, you might sometimes overlook the more personal needs of the people closest to you. You are often attracted to partners who possess self-confidence and ardor.

Moon in Sagittarius.

More than anything, you need personal freedom and space. You are extraordinarily happy and easygoing as long as you don't feel caged in or cooped up.

With your Moon in the sign of Sagittarius, you have a simultaneous need for activity. Meeting new people, going out in the world, and travel are all essential to your sense of well-being. You love open spaces, and, in your home, a roomy, light, and bright environment.

There's a bit of a teacher in you, and definitely a helpful spirit. You quickly forget appointments and the like, and some with this Moon position are even considered irresponsible. However, it's hard to stay angry at a Lunar Sagittarian! You are extraordinarily cheerful and upbeat, and your optimism is catchy.

Many people with this position are outdoorsy types. At the very least, you have a great love for changes of scenery and some disdain for the regular routine. You also enjoy friendly competition. You want to feel that you can grow and improve on an emotional level, and if you feel stifled in this respect, you're sure to get very antsy. You seek out knowledge, that's true, but also experience. There's a big world outside, and you're always aware of this fact.

When the going gets tough, you have a great need to run away! It's not that you're scared. In fact, you're a courageous person. However, you don't like to be caught up in routine for too long, and you simply need to escape situations that confine you. You'll be back when you feel refreshed and your spirit is renewed!

You also tend to skim the surface when it comes to feelings. You may prefer to avoid emotional intensity if it seems to drag you down. You're capable of becoming all fired up about ideas and situations, but you're disinclined to dwell on or genuinely explore the depth of your feelings or others' complicated emotions (unless your Moon is connected solidly to the eighth house or Pluto).

There's a blind faith in Lunar Sagittarians that is admirable. You simply believe that everything will work out. You may feel you have a guardian angel or powerful intuition that guides you. Not much for making detailed plans, you prefer to wing it. This can, at times, be disconcerting to those who are not as free-spirited as you and who'd prefer a bit of a head's up.

You are very adaptable and generally on the go. You're also hungry for knowledge, new experiences, and mind-expanding ideas. You are a great lover of the truth, and you'd make a wonderful, inspiring teacher. You're warm and spontaneous, and you're quick to jump in when others are still thinking about it!

Mercury in Sagittarius.

With Mercury in Sagittarius, you seek freedom. You communicate in an optimistic, forward-looking manner. Your ideas are often very big, but you're not always concerned about details. You have vision and mean well. In fact, you may want to change the world, and you're very excited about sharing your viewpoint.

Not always thrilled about taking care of routine matters, you prefer to expand your mental horizons through thinking and reading about larger subjects, like philosophy. Your thirst for knowledge is insatiable, but you have little patience for dry academics or cold, hard facts. Yours is a restless intellect. You learn best when you're allowed the freedom to think and discover for yourself, when you're genuinely interested in the topic at hand, and when the things you're learning are fun or meaningful.

Even though your definition of justice might bewilder some, you defend truth and freedom religiously. You're principled, and you love to share your views. Your optimism is both your strength and weakness. Your conversations are stimulating and invigorating, and you make life a little better for your positive, optimistic outlook. Sometimes, though, your optimism can be a bit blind to reality.

Organization, too, is not a forte of Mercury in Sagittarius. Who has the time for organizing anyhow? When the clutter around you becomes too unbearable, you're given to trashing or piling things instead of putting them in their rightful places. You do appreciate lots of room, or at least the illusion of space, when you're working, studying, or thinking. So, your office might look alright at first glance. Open up a drawer or a closet, however, and it may be bursting its seams!

Your discussions are always interesting. Others can't help but admire your enthusiasm. At your worst, you take to preaching instead of conversing. This may not be intentional and can get you into all kinds of trouble nonetheless. A good debate is hard for you to pass up. You think you're open-minded--and you are in many ways--but you can come across as quite moralistic at times, too. You'll be the first to spot bias or prejudice in everyone else's communications, but you can be a little blind to your own. You're not always the best listener, either, and not adept at picking up the subtleties in others' conversation as you enthusiastically communicate your viewpoint.

Bluntness of speech is a trademark of Mercury in Sagittarius. You become impatient with indirectness and beating around the bush. It baffles you, in fact! It may even piss you off for a while. A sure-fire way to get under your skin is by playing mind games with you.

When you're not fired up about some issue or another, you're fun-loving. You love to laugh, and it's usually pretty easy to get you giggling. You're forever curious, a bit prophetic, and you enjoy a hearty debate.

Venus in Libra.

With your Venus in the Cardinal Air sign, Libra, you impress others with your kindness, evenhandedness, and willingness to compromise -- you're ready to make your relationships work! You have a polished manner in love, which at times can give off the appearance of being insincere or superficial, but your interest in your relationships is genuine.

You are a gentle lover who hates to offend or be offended! You're bothered by bad manners or overly direct and abrasive expressions of feelings. You not only prefer to take the middle road, you seek the middle ground in your relationships. Your partners can expect to be treated fairly, and they're likely to fully appreciate your willingness to concede and adjust your life to fully accommodate them.

You may very well have an idealized image of your relationships, even to the point where said relationships become bigger than life, taking on a life of their own. You can become quietly resentful if you feel that you're being taken advantage of, and it may be all too easy for more aggressive types to bully you around because you're so fair. However, you won't take this kind of thing for too long--you simply believe in giving others chances and will do so up to a point.

Pleasing you involves treating you kindly. You love to share everything with a partner, and a person who makes you feel comfortable enough to do so is ideal. Foreplay for you can be mental -- you love to communicate with a partner about the relationship. In fact, sharing itself turns you on, and tactless or uncouth behavior is a turn-off.

Although you may seem to put up with a lot, it's vital that a partner remain fair with you. Over time, imbalance in your relationship is sure to hit you hard and make you gravely unhappy. You might even try to even the score in subtle, roundabout ways as you instinctively seek balance before you seek an "out." A partner would be wise not to let it come to that, and if they help you keep the scales balanced, you'll reward them with a partner who always puts themselves in their shoes and treats them exactly how they would like to be treated.

My Personal Ad Bio: "I'm just a nice person -- some say I'm too nice. I'm romantic and love good conversations. I will please you. All I ask for is fairness."

Venus in Libra people turn first to charm and last (if at all) to aggressive behavior to get what they want. While relationships are huge to you, there can be an air of cool detachment to your demeanor. You're very obliging with others--almost always ready and willing to negotiate and compromise--and this makes you one of the most gracious people around.

You can be especially idealistic about love. In fact, you prefer things be done the "right" way, and you're turned off by coarse or rude behavior. On the shadow side of this position are dependency, inconsistency, and superficiality. In an attempt to avoid unpleasant situations, people with this placement can easily gloss over deeper issues at play in their relationships. As such, it's probably good practice to avoid the trap of acquiescing to your partners but privately resenting the fact or thinking yourself a martyr for doing so, as these things can happen to the best of us but never amount to positive situations.

This is one of the more artistically-inclined of the Venus placements. You seek balance in your personal environment, and you can be quite picky or choosy when it comes to aesthetics--balanced, harmonious, classical art is preferred. You abhor gaudy, tacky, or overly "noisy" art, clothing, furnishings, and music. You can be a little picky when it comes to mood and atmosphere (Virgo is all too often assigned this trait).

You take special and extra care to please someone you love. You can be provocative in a quiet way. Your need for balance and perfection in your relationships may manifest itself at all the wrong moments, though. You may be pushed around for longer than most, perhaps only because it's hard for you to believe that others can be unfair and it takes a while for you to recognize that it's happening, but it will catch up to you in due time. If you're happy and treated right, you are an amazing partner -- you seem to be made for partnership, in fact. You think carefully about your loved one's needs, and you're supremely thoughtful and considerate. You can charm the birds out of the trees if you so please!

You should watch for focusing too much on the superficial signs of balance, harmony, and agreement. As well, watch for conforming just to avoid a confrontation, as this can lead to serious misunderstandings over time. You're most offended by abruptness and rudeness.

You're wonderfully approachable. It can be challenging to make up your mind since you can see the opposite side to whatever you're considering. You love the good things in life! Beautiful scents, sensations, and views are all very important to you. Your gentleness is a gift and quite magical for someone who truly deserves you.

Mars in Capricorn.

With fiery Mars in the more orderly sign of Capricorn, you have a subdued and controlled style of approaching life. You may not come across as particularly enthusiastic; rather, yours is a low-key but determined energy.

Mars in Capricorn natives like yourself tend to prefer to be on top of things. You are generally the goal-oriented and focused type who is not afraid of hard work. You can be an achiever by nature who possesses well-defined ambitions--well-defined to yourself more than anything. You're not a particularly flashy person, but your drive to succeed and to make your life secure is strong, even if it's not right out there for the world to see.

You express anger in a rather cool, level-headed way with this position of Mars. Your self-control is strong when it comes to handling anger, drive, energy, and sexuality. Capricorn is a sign that generally wants to avoid disorderliness and "letting go." You're likely to have an unmistakably guarded streak in you.

This is not to say that you are cold in any sense of the word. Your desires are strong, but they are often centered around the physical and material world--all that can be seen and held. With Mars in an Earth sign, your sensuality is expressed in an earthy way. However, you are not overly self-indulgent by nature. You are usually quite disciplined. Capricorn possesses the ability to plan for the future--something that many other signs find challenging.

Mars in Capricorn natives like yourself are working toward realistic and attainable goals. You are a productive person who is most motivated when you can expect to see tangible results from your efforts.

Many people with this natal chart placement are a little hard on themselves, and sometimes others. You usually can be relied upon because you have an innate sense of responsibility to both yourself and your loved ones. You may be very hard-working, and one of your strategies for anger management is to throw yourself even more energetically into your work!

You instinctively understand that effort is necessary to achieve your goals, and you can be quite hard-working when inspired. You prefer having a solid, defined, realizable goal in mind--this finds you at your best. Your responsible streak is notable. You’re also extraordinarily tenacious, and you have the rare and desirable quality of self-motivation.

You also work best in an orderly fashion. You can be very precise, and this may be why you are not always inclined to work at top speed. You prefer to produce something superior than to race to the finish line. In some cases, Mars in Capricorn relates to a somewhat strict childhood, but even if your early life was relatively free, you tend to feel most comfortable and confident with some structure and organization.

You could frequently feel that you’re left with more than your share of work or duties, perhaps because you’re often cleaning up after others in some manner. Mind you, you do want to be in control of certain situations since you are self-reliant and prefer your own usually more sensible and practical methods. This seems preferable to leaving things up to others who may be less reliable.

You understand the need for order, rules, and structure more than most, and thus you can be quicker than others to accept these things. You quickly become frustrated with people if they’re disorderly or undisciplined. A haphazard or spontaneous approach to the world feels chaotic rather than enlightened. It is essential to you that others treat you with respect.

Your ability to conserve is second to none. You’re not happy with waste, and as such, you typically find the most efficient path to your goals. Even in an outgoing or bold chart, this Mars position suggests a cautious streak.

Jupiter in Aries.

With Jupiter in Aries, you believe in the power of positivity--that life is what you make of it. You love competition or doing things independently. You value instant results!

Jupiter in Aries individuals like yourself attract the most "good fortune" when they take the lead, initiate, inspire others, and demonstrate enthusiasm and courage. Prosperous areas for you are ones that allow you to head and lead, and to innovate.

As a Fire sign Jupiter, you identify strongly with your opinions, beliefs, and perceptions, and you may take it quite personally if others disagree with them! You make your own opportunities, and you are at your best when you are thinking in big terms, taking calculated risks, and displaying confidence.

Saturn in Taurus.

Saturn in our charts shows us where we limit ourselves due to fear or insecurity. With Saturn in Taurus, your fear of not having what you need, of loss, or of being dependent on others may be more developed than most, and these things may end up limiting your opportunities if left unattended. Part of you could feel very guilty when you indulge yourself, and this can lead to problems, such as binging-purging cycles. You might also have a hard time asking for help. When you feel insecure or vulnerable, you tend to cling tightly to what you have and know. Sensitive areas of the body may be Taurus-ruled areas, including the neck and throat.

Some of your life lessons include: allowing yourself to enjoy your "winnings" from time to time without feeling guilty or somehow wrong -- in moderation, of course; building the courage to ask for help when you need it without feeling you've failed; going without or giving away something you have, since this helps you teach yourself, in small steps, that you'll be just fine without, and perhaps even stronger; and questioning your loyalty to the familiar if it is no longer serving you well.

Uranus in Aquarius.

You're most interested in making changes, innovating, and updating traditions related to technology, friendship, community, liberty, individuality, kinship, and fraternity. You seek more freedom in or through these areas, and you don't feel the need to conform--you're ready to rebel if need be. You can feel compelled to break through some of the inhibitions or taboos related to cooperating, connecting, and interacting. Despite the need for progress, you can be very stubborn and set in your ways in these areas. You believe in openness to new ideas and free thought.

Neptune in Aquarius.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around humanitarianism, celebrating individuality, freedom, and impartiality. You’re invested in humanitarian ideals, and you have a keen interest in electronics, psychology, and social science. When it comes down to it, you prefer to put your faith in humanity, and you’re generally open-minded regarding different philosophical or religious beliefs. Most important to you is for each person to stand out as uniquely individual. This Neptune sign position is more idealistic and theoretical than most others.

Pluto in Sagittarius.

You take your beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. You believe deeply in personal freedom, tolerance, and bringing cultures together. Uncovering the truth can be a mission. You tend to question beliefs and ideologies in place if you consider them limiting, and your quest to distinguish yourself through--or bring reform to--beliefs is so intense or pressured that you may rarely feel satisfied with your efforts in this area. You may want to watch for a tendency to move from one cause to the next or one project to another, perhaps as a result of this dissatisfaction or from inhuman expectations. However, your faith in humanity is strong, and you are moved and motivated by your positive vision of a better world.

Chiron in Sagittarius.

You have an intense craving for meaning and belief in something greater than yourself, and you champion free thinkers and encourage others to find their own personal philosophies. You believe in the power of positive thinking and manifestation. You help others to find their truths, to follow their inner guide, and to gain life experience. Still, you can often feel somewhat lost on these levels, and while you likely have many brilliant and original ideas about life's meaning and purpose, you might also hold a sense of disconnection with your ideas and beliefs, feeling some insecurity about them. Learning to trust in your unique vision of the world is empowering.

Black Moon Lilith in Sagittarius.

You may have felt ashamed for your curiosity, questions, restlessness, the need to challenge and question life/facts/beliefs, or the need to get away, expand, and seek meaning. You could feel uncomfortable around people who are expressing these Sagittarian traits, not quite trusting them. Learning to accept these very natural, human needs can be empowering.

North Node in Leo.

With your True North Node of the Moon in Leo, your South Node is in Aquarius.

A tendency to rely too much on others who may let you down, to come across as impersonal or distant in your dealings with others, to be fearful of being the center of attention and standing out as an individual, to fear taking risks, and to fall back on peers and community at the expense of your own individuality are some of the issues this position suggests. With this influence, you should watch for falling into the easy trap of worrying too much about what others think about you. Instead, you need to strike out along your own individual and creative path. You'd be wise to make a conscious effort to deal with others in a more personal, involved, and loving manner, rather than falling back on reason and intellect which detaches you from your feelings. You might unintentionally alienate others when you over-emphasize equality to the point that we won't acknowledge individuals' uniqueness. You may too often be the audience and not the performer in your life! You may too easily lose touch with your own heart by rationalizing your feelings, and you might become overly involved with other people's problems at the expense of your inner needs for attention. Learning to take personal risks, which requires a certain amount of self-confidence, will help you to achieve inner balance and happiness.

                                   Planets and Points in The Houses.

Sun in Eighth House.

The Sun's house position modifies and refines its position by zodiac sign. With the Sun in the eighth house of your natal chart, you may feel compelled to go farther or deeper into life every step of the way. You want to experience more, and your desires are both powerful and intense. It may be hard for you to find satisfaction in common experiences, and you have magnetic power if you choose to use it wisely. You are fascinated with what lies under the surface, and at some point in your life, self-improvement is a big interest. You are attracted to unexplored or taboo areas of life, and you avoid all things superficial.

You project an aura of strength and others may not immediately know how deep your emotions run. You value time for yourself more than many, and you're excellent at research, in-depth study, and investigations. You are great at bringing out the best in others and managing people's money, talents, and resources. You're incredibly observant and perceptive.

Moon in Ninth House.

This is a position that can indicate a deep longing for stimulation above and beyond the everyday, mundane routine. With the Moon in your ninth house, you may be a philosophical sort, interested in and curious about the world, other people, and perhaps different cultures. You can be extraordinarily restless and discontented if you don't have a definite goal in mind.

You might find yourself longing to be somewhere else when you are unhappy, imagining that if you were to move or travel, you would be much more satisfied. However, this attitude may keep you from enjoying and improving upon the situation you are now in, only serving to make you feel more unhappy in the present and with your current circumstances. Trying to avoid the attitude that "the grass is greener on the other side" will be important in your life, while attending to your needs to get away from time to time will help scratch the seemingly incurable itch for something more! Many people with this position feel they thrive best away from the early neighborhood or in places where they can break free of the bonds of childhood conditioning.

The desire to start fresh, change the scenery, and enjoy a break from routine is often very strong! On an emotional level, you are somewhat of a vagabond or wanderer, and you can make yourself at home in almost any setting. You are always seeking to grow, learn, improve, and gain perspective, and this may be the reason behind the frequent desire to be on the move or to break free of habits or routines. You have a distinctly spiritual side to your nature that is vastly important to you and your sense of security, and you may embrace the idea of a guide, mentor, or guardian angel. Your understanding of the world and human nature is intuitive and natural.

Mercury in Ninth House.

With Mercury in the ninth house, you are eternally curious, and you hunger for knowledge. You enjoy studying and learning, not because you have to, but because you want to. You enjoy exchanging ideas and personal philosophies with others. You are exceptionally buoyant, enthusiastic, and even inspiring in your communications. While you may not pay enough attention to details at times, you are skilled at finding a quick solution to problems. You readily see the bigger picture and enjoy sharing your opinions and ideas. You get off on how information affects people's lives, and you take great pleasure in learning that something you have shared or taught has inspired others to take action, experience something new, or make changes in their lives. A potential flaw when Mercury is challenged here is to be too quick to offer advice that might be lacking in thoroughness and practicality, or that you yourself don't follow. Or, your enthusiasm can lead you to make quick statements before you've had time to check the facts, saying "yes" before you truly know that it's a go.

You may be especially interested in learning about different cultures and lands. You are intuitive in your thinking, believing strongly that you'll get to the truth through instincts and visions faster and more accurately than you would if you used a more structured approach. You are a lively conversationalist.

Venus in Seventh House.

With Venus in the seventh house of your natal chart, partnerships and companionship tend to be a bigger deal for you than others. In fact, it may be hard for you to think about being alone. Harmony is most important to you, so that you can spend a lot of time in your life finding ways to negotiate and compromise. You're very good at being a partner! It's unlikely you will attempt to dominate a partner, favoring equality. You are a peacemaker, sometimes going to great lengths to achieve a balanced, harmonious relationship. Be careful not to bend over backwards just to keep the peace–you may be taken advantage of.

You tend to attract partners or significant others who are especially attractive, charming, or well off. You are extremely attractive, agreeable, and charming yourself, drawing others to you magnetically. You need an unusual amount of contact and exchange with a partner, and might find that you feel completely lost without one. Some of you might quickly enter into partnerships, perhaps too quickly and neither equipped nor prepared for the responsibilities that a long-term relationship demands. In some cases with this position, there can be a shallow or materialistic interest in partners. Many with this house position enter into partnership early in life. Your hips and lower back can be in focus with this position. You can also be quite good with people and in your dealings with the public. People tend to like you and your approach!

Mars in Eleventh House.

With Mars in the 11th house of your natal chart, you like to organize events and activities, and sometimes take the lead a little too often! However, for the most part, you're an engaging, helpful friend who is ready to jump in and take action when need be, and this is a wonderful, rare quality. Your mind needs to be engaged in order for you to be at your most passionate, and for this reason, you can seem a little detached or impersonal in close personal relationships. You're not afraid to be different or to march to the beat of a different drummer. You're likely to enjoy working towards an important cause, and you can be quite a crusader! You may be attracted to intense, passionate, or energetic people, and your friendships can be quite colorful and possibly strife-ridden at times.

Jupiter in Second House.

With Jupiter in your second house, you are extremely resourceful. Others might think you are lucky with money, gifts, or personal possessions. You take great pleasure in comfort and the world of the five senses. Sometimes this position points to over-indulgence in these things. A strong self-image or feelings of self-worth contribute to success. When it comes to new situations, whatever your first reaction, you then adopt a can-do, positive attitude.

Neptune in Twelfth House.

You possess exceptional intuition, and you draw upon tremendous inner strength and faith when in a pinch, which might surprise others because of your easygoing manner. You may be exceptionally sensitive but not always able to express your compassion and concern in direct ways, which can give rise to feelings of guilt. If you deny the spiritual side of your nature, you run the risk of chronic discontent, and you may feel very vulnerable to regular changes in life, fearing that you may not be able to handle them. In truth, your faith runs deep and surfaces when you need it most, so this fear is ungrounded. You need to learn to believe in yourself, or you might resort to escapist behavior and avoid problems when they do crop up. Some with this position only discover their deep spiritual inclinations later in life, or they are aware of them but have troubles expressing them until they have built a stronger identity.

Pluto in Ninth House.

You are extremely attached to your opinions and belief system. Due to this attachment, debates might easily turn into arguments if you are not careful. At your best, you are persuasive and intelligent with a probing and incisive mind. Your opinions are strong and well-researched. You are able to back up your arguments, and enjoy doing so! At your worst, you can be obsessed with "converting" others to your beliefs. You are suspicious of new ideas until you've given them deeper thought. You may have a disdain for blind followers of belief systems as well as for hypocrisy. You may be considered "deep" or "profound" and you are likely to come up with some unusual and unique ideas that impress others. Your sense of adventure runs deep and can lead you to unique experiences. You are likely to make an involved, captivating, and inspiring teacher, speaker, or lecturer. While you may not share your ideas frivolously, when you do express yourself, you do so creatively and persuasively. Some of your most intense and life-changing experiences may come through travel or in connection with other cultures.

North Node in Sixth House.

With your North Node in the sixth house, your South Node is naturally in the twelfth house.

You can often feel stuck in the past, and your path is to be present more often - to take charge of your daily affairs rather than fall back on disorder or escape. Aim to be more procedural in your approach rather than emotional from time to time, and you will be happier and more fulfilled. Pay more attention to details and routines, even if these feel uncomfortable at first.

[prynne-and-prejudice]

Anarchy, Isolation, and the Path to Redemption in The Scarlet Letter

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter may be set in Puritan Massachusetts in the 1600s, but it deals with topics that are prevalent in modern society and throughout history: sin and redemption. These theology-based concepts have provided reasoning for the persecution of unique thought throughout history, especially when the source of that thought is women or other minorities. Those who refuse to conform to the standard way of thought are often labeled heretics and are alienated or persecuted for expression of their ideas. Hawthorne shows that ostracization and its effect on the human psyche is a serious moral consequence of sin and redemption in the eyes of an ordered society is achievable only through the sacrifice of the individual’s livelihood and conformity to the rules of society.

Throughout the novel, Hawthorne emphasizes that a key aspect of basic human nature is an innate desire for an ordered society and the need to fit into this order. Humans are social creatures whose instincts compel them to seek acceptance from others to better their chances of survival. The best way to maintain order and receive acceptance is by forming a structured government and set of laws that all people must abide by to keep the peace. When an individual rejects society by breaking a rule, he or she threatens that existing order and inspires anarchy. If one person can break the rules for individual gain, why must others abide by the law? The only way to deter others from committing similar acts is by isolating the individual, whether socially or physically. After she commits adultery, the Boston magistrates alienate Hester Prynne from the other townspeople by forcing her to wear the scarlet letter, which serves as a constant reminder of her sin to both herself and those she interacts with. Hawthorne describes the effect of the letter as “more intolerable to a woman’s heart than that which branded the brow of Cain” (Hawthorne 130). Other townspeople view Hester as spiritually impure and make a point to give Hester a wide berth and avoid any interaction with her. Hawthorne shows this by mentioning that, while at a public event, “wherever Hester stood, a small, vacant area- a sort of magic circle -had formed itself about her” (Hawthorne 370). It almost seems that the townspeople believe sin is contagious and panic at Hester’s mere presence.

The panic that results from an individual’s rejection of the law is also a factor in Reverend Dimmesdale’s decision not to confess to his involvement in the affair with Hester Prynne. The townspeople base their moral codes on strict Puritan values and consider some sins irredeemable, which consigns the sinner to a life of alienation. In a conversation with Roger Chillingworth, Dimmesdale expounds upon the consequences of confessing one’s sins, saying, “no good can be achieved by them [sinners]; no evil of the past be redeemed by better service” (Hawthorne 206). Dimmesdale believes that, had he chosen to confess his sin, he would be unable to act for good in the world due to his isolation from society. In Puritan society, where church and state were so closely intertwined, a religious violation or sin would lead not only to rejection by religious groups, but to rejection by society as a whole.

Alienation from society can be detrimental to the individual and studies have found that “loneliness is associated with more depressive symptoms, hostility, and perceived stress” (Cacioppo et al.). Hester must deal with these consequences of loneliness when she is isolated from the town. She is isolated both socially and physically by moving to a cottage hidden on the outskirts of town, with only her daughter for company. She makes no attempts to fight for her reentry into society and even rejects a late offer by the magistrates to remove the scarlet letter because she feels that this ostracization is her way of condoning for her sins. Hester stays in her remote cottage fashioning clothes for the poor and Hawthorne speculates that “it is probable that there was an idea of penance in this mode of occupation” (Hawthorne 130). Through being isolated from the rest of the town, Hester becomes more self-sufficient and grows stronger in the face of adversity. She uses her position as an outcast to tend to others who need assistance, but are often considered inferior, such as the poor or dying, but she is still unable to shed the stigma of sin through her righteous actions. Dimmesdale grows weaker during this time due to the weight of his actions on his conscience. The minister knows that he should face the same isolation and scorn from the town, but is too cowardly to confess. Dimmesdale uses self-inflicted torture to separate himself from the “righteous” townspeople because he knows that he should be isolated from society as punishment for his sin like Hester is. He even experiences visions in which Hester “points her forefinger first at the scarlet letter on her bosom, and then at the clergyman’s own breast”, which shows that he feels he should be condemned for his part in their shared sin (Hawthorne 228).

Hester reaches redemption in the eyes of the townspeople because she “had no selfish ends, nor lived in any measure for her own profit and enjoyment” (Hawthorne 416). Hester sacrifices her individuality and desires in order to regain her place in society, which socially redeems her. By proving that she acts for the good of society as a whole rather than acting against the law out of selfish desires, Hester settles the panic that results from a break in the world’s order. Dimmesdale is never redeemed on Earth not because he experienced no punishment for his sin, but because he was never alienated in the first place. When Hester asks Dimmesdale if his soul has been redeemed through his good works, he replies, “What can a ruined soul, like mine, effect towards the redemption of other souls?” (Hawthorne 302). He cannot be redeemed because, through his cowardice, he never faced the full extent of his penance in the form of rejection by the people.

The social nature of humans, combined with their desire for ordered society and a need to belong, is what makes ostracization a major moral consequence of sin. While Hester experiences this ostracization from society by wearing the scarlet letter, Dimmesdale faces no such punishment because he does not confess, for fear of losing his position in society. The alienation from society that Hester experiences saddens her, but also allows her to grow stronger and more independent. Dimmesdale’s guilt resulting from his avoidance of Hester’s punishment weakens him both mentally and physically over time. Hester is able to be redeemed because she sacrifices her desires for the good of the town as a whole. Dimmesdale was never truly condemned in the eyes of his parishioners, who venerate him, so it is impossible for him to be redeemed by them. Hawthorne uses Hester and Dimmesdale’s parallel journey through atoning for their sins to establish how an individual’s reaction to sin’s moral consequences can affect its results. One serious moral consequence of sin is ostracization from society and the only path to redemption is the well-trodden road of conformity. Only by sacrificing one’s individual livelihood for the good of society can one truly be redeemed and regain their place in society.

Works Cited

Cacioppo, John T, et al. “Loneliness as a Specific Risk Factor for Depressive Symptoms: Cross-Sectional and Longitudinal Analyses.” Psychology and Aging, U.S. National Library Medicine, Mar. 2006, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16594799. Accessed 1 Oct. 2019.

Hawthorne, Nathaniel. The Scarlet Letter. New York: Spark Publishing, 2009. Print.

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso

[coldalbion]

I’ve reblogged this classic Ramsey Dukes essay before. It’s an important one, not just if you’re a pagan/polytheist/magical type, but also  for understanding the idea that perception is more than 9 tenths of the law. Suspend your disbelief, read the whole thing at the link, and maybe, just maybe understand why so-called “Tricksters” are often important cultural figures.

“As a schoolboy I discovered Hodson's lovely book on The Kingdom of the Gods. Enjoying the luscious pictures of tree spirits and landscape gods, I wanted to share the fun, but never managed to see them. Through the sixties I sometimes experimented with various techniques for increasing sensitivity and developing auric vision, but with no notable success. I suppose I was always more or less consciously haunted by the danger of self deception: at what point do you begin to kid yourself, become uncritical? I was fleeing from the charlatan.

A Tree Nature Spirit as depicted in Hodson's 'The Kingdom of the Gods'.Around 1981 I rediscovered the book and, being in a desperate frame of mind, tried again. But, as with someone who has attained Zen, a tree remained obstinately a tree, however I squinted at it. Then one day I stood by my favourite hawthorn and thought as follows: "What a pity I cannot see trees' auras. If I could, I wonder what sort of aura this one would have? Hmm. I feel it ought to be a fairly vivid red, from crimson to scarlet, but shot through with a network of gold strands. Yes, that would suit it. Then what about that tree over there? Oh no, definitely yellowy green in wispy hanging folds."What was I doing? I was seeing auras, but not REALLY seeing them, only imagining them in the sort of way you might imagine how a bare room of a new house might look when it is furnished, how it would look after being decorated. How odd to think that this sort of pseudo-seeing was just the sort of deception that I had so long steered clear of, in my early attempts to REALLY see REAL auras. And yet an interior designer's whole income depends upon these 'unreal' imagined images. Just as the writers of those fake psychic books were people whose livelihood depended upon what they were doing: desperados more akin to Rico the Razor than to Professor Wiesenstein My new-found game flourished: every tree has a different aura, yet similar species have similar styles. I have resisted the temptation to try to test this discovery, to try to prove that I am not just responding to visual clues as to the type of tree, because it is a growing and delightful diversion. I no more want to dissect it than I want to dissect a pet kitten. I want to enjoy it. If another person describes the aura differently, it would not bother me, because I find this type of perception is more akin to the perception of character than of outer form. In the sense that two people might begin by describing a third person's personality in totally differing terms; yet when they collaborate they arrive at some sort of common description.tricksterIf you can catch the spirit of this approach, you will catch another glimpse of that charlatan. The approach is blatantly unscrupulous and amoral, the very stuff of deception, yet it is also paradoxically down to earth and elementary: you just do it, you don't stop to theorise about WHAT you are doing. Just like the trickster whose every action is suspect, but who so clearly knows his way around, and makes a living where others simply panic.I cannot claim that the gift has any practical use, but it was very refreshing to note how quickly it developed once I had got over the initial hurdle of accepting it on its own terms. ?This essay is developing a wave formation: a series of forward steps, between which I rush back to defend the rear. Here goes again. I will describe another of the forces that deflect one's mind in the vicinity of a black hole.You may have labelled me as an anti-rationalist. Labelling is another technique for handling the unfamiliar. It does not depend upon dismantling and rebuilding the unfamiliar, in the way of rationalisation, nor does it just allow it to slip away, like ignoring. It is more akin to casting a net to catch the unfamiliar, then leaving it hanging in the net on some corner of your structure. Unlike rationalisation, this does not destroy the original object; unlike ignoring it does not let it go free. It hangs suspended in its net and is no part of your structure, and it is left, because it is no longer a threat.So to label this essay as anti-rationalist, is to once more be deflected from the central mystery. I must cut myself out of this net.Far from being anti-rationalist, I sometimes feel that I am the one person left on earth who knows the real value of reason, of science, of the academic approach. It is a wonderful Sword of Banishment, yet so many seem to confuse it with a Cup of Plenty!The essential value of reason, or the scientific approach, is that it stops things happening. This is an utterly vital function in a world where most people would agree that too much is happening too fast. The remedy lies right under our noses, yet we create the problem by asking science to do the one thing it has never been able to do, that is to make things happen. As a result a million charlatans have stepped into science's shoes and we never give them their due. As was argued in Thundersqueak, it is ludicrous to describe the aeroplane as a wonder of science. The Wright brothers were not scientists, they were bicycle makers. On the day of their historic first flight they invited the American Scientific establishment to attend, and the Establishment quite rightly refused to waste time with cranks who were attempting the blatantly impossible. As a consequence, the plane flew. If only scientists had left Uri Geller alone.As someone who has worked in the aircraft industry, I can assure you that a plane flies despite science, not because of it. Yet I am not belittling science, merely seeing its true contribution. To be utterly precise, it is magic that makes the plane fly, and what science does is to STOP IT FROM CRASHING. Indeed the nearest approach made by strict scientific rigour into the "real" world, is via the safety industry.As reason is the great destroyer - in order to pull you clear of that dreaded Good-Bad whirlpool I will rephrase that remark - as reason is the excellent and much needed destroyer, we should direct it with the care it deserves.safaris What a pity that man's hunting instincts are driving impressive and exciting creatures like tigers into oblivion. If only the big-game hunters could redirect their urges into hair-raising safaris across the London skyline, in pursuit of starlings and pigeons. Then we would not only be able to keep our tigers; we could also suffer less bird shit.And what a pity that the scientist insists on chasing the paranormal to its doom, and the historian cannot redirect the urge to shatter myths. They do it too well. Our very own Ellic Howe has delighted us with his skill in stalking the OTO, to the point where there was only one place of safety left for it - namely non-existence.Such skills must not be wasted, for there is real work for the sword in this world. Several billion pounds are being spent on a cruise missile deterrent, might not some of that money go towards an undercover operation with the collaboration of the secret service? I suggest taking the psychologists out of the parascience field and dropping them behind the Iron Curtain in order to discover the value of Cruise. How deterred by it does your typical Russian military officer feel? Knowing how emotional Russians can be, I want figures of how many soldiers burst into tears, how many resigned from the army, how many committed suicide when Cruise was announced. There is much to do, for I also want some accurate quantitative index of deterrence: I want to know the exact deterrent-value of every million pounds spent. I want to know which is the greater deterrent to world war three: a multi-billion pound satellite warfare program, or a late, wet and rather cold spring in Moscow.

And Ellic, your talents are being wasted on an endangered species. The world is crying out for skills like yours, and a far greater challenge awaits you. Instead of chasing the OTO into oblivion, how about directing your attention towards the communist conspiracy within the Labour Party, or the National Front conspiracy behind the Tories? Or why not go for the Big One, and prove once and for all that the CIA is a myth? And please, can I have my OTO back? It was fun.I would like to be seen as reason's champion, not its detractor. Am I yet free of that net?I did warn that, in order to write about the Trickster, it might be necessary to assume his mantle: now the time has come to pack up my box of tricks. That would usually signify that a hasty retreat was in the offing: for when people return to reality at the end of his illusions, an angry reaction is liable to set in. But in this case it is the nature of illusion itself that is being studied, so I'll stick around.The trick that has been played on you is the old trick of presenting a world in black and white: the white light of Truth, of Good, of Hygiene, against the blackness of Illusion, of Bad, and of Fertility. The subject was far too tricky to be tackled without such a trick. But now we awake from the dream, this essay's wave-form accelerates to a frenzied rippling of light and dark, and all outlines are lost until they re-form in the world's true colours. What might almost have seemed clear at times, now passes through chaos.”

[tarithenurse]

All is fair in Love & War - 6

Pairing: Loki x reader Content: Some angsting and maybe some pining? Could it be? A few hints at something sexual, but nothing explicit. Plot-thickening. A/N: I’d love to link to past chapters or my masterlist, but yeah... This is a semi-AU in the sense that it is in a sort of medieval/fairy-tale setting, but Loki and MCU’s version of Nordic mythology still applies. I’ve taken the liberty of tagging people who’ve reposted, but if you do want a tag pls let me know.

6. Purpose

Loki and you are walking through the halls of the keep. He is constantly talking about the history of the country and its people, drawing surprising parallels to your homeland. It is true, that he could most likely tell you anything and you would not know any better because the few details you know of the past have been passed along by the fireside in the winters when the elder were telling stories from their youth or their grandparents’ times. Now you find yourself hanging to his every word.

“The Jötun are not traditionally a united people as you know from the Asgardians or the Alfheimars,” the god is explaining, “and this has made them wary of everyone outside their own clans, their kin.” Loki continues to explain their old laws of blood guilt, where the first one to draw the blood of another for any other reason than self-preservation is at fault.

Pondering this, you walk in silence next to the tall man before finally saying out loud what you have concluded. “Sire, does that mean that the mistrust together with the…ongoing conflict…” You do not want to actually label it as an invasion. You cannot do that. Yet. “That’s the reason for leaving me to die? It’s the closest to vengeance without straight out killing me themselves. Passiveness means they haven’t drawn blood, so to speak?”

The tall man walking beside you, studying you carefully, stays silent. Together you enter the great hall, and whatever was on your mind is gone. Logically, you are well aware that this keep is far from the grandeur of palace in Sjöblik with its polished, coloured marble and creamy sandstones, and the golden decorations which add an aethereal atmosphere to the place. This hall oozes raw power. Dark, roughhewn slabs of granite glittering in the torchlight while massive wooden beams bring an addition to the warm glow with their amber hues. Still, the long benches and tables, a multitude of different furs, and a firepit as long as five men lying head to toe creating the centerpiece are not enough to draw the attention from the throne in the far end of the hall.

“Is that…glass, your highness?” The heat of the fire is behind you already as the two of you step closer to the crystalline structure.

A soft chuckle erupts from deep in Loki’s chest. “No, little mortal, it is not glass.”

You let him pull you up the few steps of the dais to see the god take his seat leaning on the armrest with the legs casually splayed. A slight motion brings your gaze to his pelvis before you can stop yourself, and you feel the shame heat your cheeks.

“Feel for yourself.” His smirk is audible, creating a suspicion that he is not only referring to the throne.

Choosing to ignore his lewdness, which you are beginning to suspect is the best course of action in these cases, you trace the armrest with the fingertips finding the surface to be cold as…

“Ice?” Palming the surface, you feel a wetness form where your hand touches the seat of the king.

“Yes. That is our true element, we thrive in the cold of winter.” Quick as a snake, he has wrapped you in his arms, locking you in place on his lap. “Besides, in the winter there is time for other activities that bring heat.”

Squirming to get free quickly proves to be a bad move on your behalf as you can feel Loki’s excitement through the layers of clothing you both wear. Mortified, you stop moving, unless considering the rapidly beating heart. Even your breath is shallow, timid in fear of what something as natural as a moving chest might cause.

The chuckle bubbling from within the god’s chest floats into the cool air surrounding the throne. “Ever the shy little flower, but I know what you desire, mortal.” A hand works its way under the dress and shift to find your thigh prickling with goosebumps. “There is no need to play coy.”

“Play?” In your outrage, you manage to push yourself partially onto your feet before he drags you back down. “Sire, I’m not pretending anything! It was a moment of weakness and I won’t give in again!”

His face is hidden behind you, and still you know that he is no longer amused. A drop in temperature is the first warning, the painfully tightening grip is the second. But the chill in Loki’s voice is what truly gives it away.

“Be careful what you say next, little mortal.” Thin lips brush lightly against the shell of your ear in sharp contrast to the rough way the god is handling you. “What do you want?”

“I wanna know what’s really going on!” you nearly yell in exasperation before clasping your hand to your mouth, afraid of what he might do to punish your insolence.

The dangerously familiar cold hand circles your wrist and tugs at it, gently but insistent, to free your self-imposed muzzle. Then Loki flips you around on his lap easily, so you straddle him chest to chest, locking your arms behind your back which makes it impossible for you to turn away. For a second you are lost in the cold beauty of his face with the sharp bone structure and the eyes full of a smoldering darkness capable of making you forget time and place. Get a grip! Blinking furiously, you begin to trace the intricate pattern carved into the ice of the back of the throne. Don’t let him enchant me.

“You will explain what that is supposed to mean, pet,” Loki purrs, but the cold is not gone from his voice, “and you will look me in the eyes as you do so.” Spine like a worm, you scold yourself when your eyes meet the green emeralds he has been bestowed. “Now talk.” A silent battle rages, but you lose it the moment he speaks your name.

“Your highness…” Your voice falters slightly, but you carry on. “I thought I knew what was going on…why we were fighting against the Jötuns and why the obvious enemy was you.” Needing to swallow, you grab the chance to consider the next words carefully. “My people are starving, suffering from disease and the great sacrifices made for the cause. We’ve all lost people dear to us…some more than others…”

You had thought the first death would be the only one. In your sorrow, you had returned to your childhood home and retaken your place among parents and brothers. You had been wrong.

“Who did you lose, my dear?”

Startled by the gentleness in Loki’s voice, you answer without thinking. “Everyone. My husband, parents, brothers…” Biting your lips, you focus on breathing deeply.

“That is why you joined the army.” Something strange flickers in his eyes. “The women of Midgard are not required to serve, they have to volunteer.”

It is true. Where men of all ages have to comply to their king’s call, the women are not bound so because they are considered less resilient. Perhaps the difference is greater among the nobles. Whichever the reason, you had quickly succeeded in the training and were send to the front.

“You know what I and anyone else were told,” you shift the subject from the more personal aspects, “ ’the Blue Monster of Jotunheim is attempting to destroy all of Midgard and it’s only through sacrifice that we can succeed’…or so they said.” Closing your eyes, you can still see the king on his balcony, addressing the new troops. “It never occurred to any of us that our king might be lying, our commanders living a different life than that of the rest of us…” a sigh escapes you, “and part of me can’t accept it because trusting you goes against…everything I learned until the day I tracked you down.”

His hands have already loosened the grasp, now they rush to cup your face tenderly, making your eyes meet once more.

“You did seek me out of your own volition that night,” Loki murmurs, “hoping to kill me or be killed.”

There is no reason to deny it, so you just shrug. Tears are stinging your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall, refuse to show any weakness. And really, you have lived to get a glimpse of the truth. At least a possible alternative to the truth. It means you will have to either trust Loki blindly or that you observe and listen, considering every new bit of information until you have found the truth on your own…whatever that may be.

“You’ve done as you promised, sire.” You force a crooked smile. “You’ve broken down my world, but I won’t give in to see any enchanted creation you please in its stead! I’m gonna figure out what’s real and where my place in that world is. Even if the Midgardian king has been plotting and scheming…well it doesn’t mean that you’re any better.”

“Yet I can give you the skills and tools you need.” The calculative stare is unwavering, and you know he has a very valid point. “And I will not let you go freely.”

Of course not, still, the admission is frightening. “Why not? What risk do I pose? I have no home, no loyalty.”

“Easy for you to say when you possess valuable information about my forces and abilities.” Loki’s smile is unnaturally broad. “No, you will not leave Utgard yet…but I will teach you everything you need to become a spy infiltrating your homeland.”

Oddly, that does not mean he releases you from his grasp, and as the seconds and then minutes drag by in silence, you feel a toe-curling awkwardness steal over you. Loki, however, is unfazed. Long fingers rearranged the yellow fabric of the dress before moving on to the armrest. You try to not watch. You most definitely try not to think of what those fingers are capable of. Thankfully, your captor is too occupied with what he is doing to notice the heat in your cheeks.

What is he doing?

Nimble digits move over the glistening surface, revealing a miniature scenery of mountains and forests stretching into the air. It can only be magic. No sculptor would be able to create such detailed figures without the most delicate tools. The ice forest contains a range of different trees, though most are pines like in the woods at home…squinting, you lean closer to study the landscape. Jagged mountain-arms stretch around the little village at the side of the glacier stream, and you know before laying eyes upon it, that you will find a quarry.

[doomedandstoned]

Doomed & Stoned in Iran with Roaring Empyrean

~By Billy Goate~

Photo Credit: Shahrokh Dabiri

It's fair to say that much of our view of the world is muddled by a cloud of politics, whether that comes from the strong opinions of family and friends, the news media, or our elected officials. When I heard such casual joking of bombing Iran during the 2008 US presidential elections, I cringed. Now more than 10 years later, the bluster of obstinate world leaders looms large once again, posturing with the weird flex of war. What most people are missing is real perspective on the people of Iran and, I would argue, the music of that country.

Hell, I was woefully uninformed myself, so when I started noticing more and more offerings from the heavy music community out of Tehran, I struck up a friendship with one doomedshinobi on Instagram, mastermind of the one-man band Roaring Empyrean, "a musical project aiming to create atmospheres where feelings in contrast meet, in a combination of funeral doom metal and New Age." Intrigued, I asked doomedshinobi for an interview and we exchanged words over oceans and breached the cultural divide for one of the more fascinating discussions about the joys and trials of being an artist I've encountered since starting Doomed & Stoned.

When I found doom, I was like someone who had reached his destination after a long journey.

What's it like being a heavy musician in Iran? Most of us have no clue about what's acceptable and not in the culture there.

When you are dealing with a radical ideological regime, you can't reason with them. All kinds of art are seen forbidden here, unless they preach Islam or government ideologies. Things get worse when you are dealing with some art that is Western in nature. Metal is, in nature, Western. And even there, it had its problems sometimes from church and common beliefs. Here, it doesn't matter what you make and what you sing. As long as you are metal, you are seen as Satanic!

I remember reading an article in some magazine about Metallica being black metal, just because they have an album called Black. The author claimed, "They are black metal artists and black metal is Satanic, so they are making music to take away our people from God and Path of Light." I remember reading somewhere that even Pink Floyd was labeled Satanic. So things are hard for you if you are an extreme musician, like metal. You are alone in the scene here. Producers and labels mostly refuse to work with you. Stores won't sell your physical releases and stages to perform are hard to get. There have been many cases when a band got a show and then right before the show or even in the middle of performance, it was forced to be canceled. Many musicians even get arrested afterwards.

In Iran, metalheads find interest more in death and black metal, as well as power and symphonic.

Now imagine you are a musician, a metal musician, a darker and extremer type of metal musician. You are mostly alone on your own to make your own studio, produce your music and release it. This leads to many Iranian bands using free social media to share their music and send the word mouth by mouth. Platforms like Bandcamp, Soundcloud, and YouTube are blocked by the regime and someone like myself has to bypass filters in various ways to get access to these platforms. Due to the poor economy and fall of Iran Rial value, getting a full set of proper equipment costs a fortune. Many young musicians leave all they have to pursue musicianship.

The good thing, though, is people. They are welcoming metal and heavier musical styles more and more with each passing day -- especially the younger generation. But as is all over the world, heavy and extreme metal styles have less fans than most other genres. And if you are to be a heavy style musician, you have to accept this. You either want to pursue money and fame or do what you like for its own sake. There you have something like pop and hip-hop, and doom metal is scarce.

Monuments (Remastered) by Roaring Empyrean

What are you thoughts about the band Confess being imprisoned recently?

Confess is just one example known to the rest of the world of a band that has been imprisoned. I didn't know of them until I read that article, but the things that happened to them are not something new or uncommon among artists of all kinds, and it clearly is unfair. This happens in the extreme to artists pursuing foreign styles of art.

There are some charges that each time they face an opposing idea, they declare it upon the person. Like speech against Islam, against supreme leadership, and against national security! And these charges bring high punishments. I don't want to talk politics and stuff, as I am in Iran. I just wish every artist freedom to express their minds and souls, which is hard to come by. Years of prison for some art is what only a stone age ideology can decide is fair!

Song of the Seas (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

How did you first get into the darker, more expressive side of music? For example, what records have been most influential to you? When did you first start playing an instrument?

This is the most interesting question so far. As a child, I remember my father starting the day with some Pink Floyd, continue it with Metallica, sometimes going softer to Eagles or Eloy. This made me to not get into mainstream pop media even at an early age. He also listened to a lot of Kitaro and Enigma back then. And I got some Vangelis compilation from my uncle. Before 10, I was listening to rock and new age more than anything else, but I was always looking for the extremes in my life, in whatever aspect.

And so in music, I started listening to Linkin Park and System of A Down. They were fast, harsher, and wilder. But you know, there is always a loop. What is hotter than red? When you heat something, it turns red, then yellow and white. What's next? It turns blue! A cold color, but it’s even hotter. I liked to have this hotness of blue which is cold! So, instead of speed (red) I turned into slow (blue), which is more extreme.

I don't know if I make any sense at this point or not, but this is the real motivation for me to dig deeper in slower, heavier music. When I found doom, I was like someone who had reached his destination after a long journey. Doom is that hot blue. It is that extreme paradoxical matter to me. However, I didn't enter doom from the traditional door.

Many young musicians leave all they have to pursue musicianship.

In Iran, metalheads find interest more in death and black metal, as well as power and symphonic. It is hard to come by someone who started metal with stoner, sludge or psychedelic rock. Not impossible, but hard. I entered the doom from the gothic, folk, and death subgenres with acts like Empyrium and Saturnus. But now I appreciate every good metal, especially any doom I can find. That ache for extreme, however, made my primary taste to be funeral doom as we talk now.

Many records helped my musical imagination to go diverse. Vangelis' 'Direct' (1988) is amongst the most influential to me. Each track on that record is in a different style and different color. Vangelis has a diverse musical ground and his works have always been an inspiration to me. You can go right from electronic to orchestral and back to a more rockish sound all in one track! "Intergalactic Radio Station" is definitely my favorite track on that record.

On the metal side, I can't imagine anything more influential than Empyrium's LP, 'Songs of Moors and Misty Fields' (1997). The heaviness and agony in the sound, accompanying various folk and symphonic elements which lead to ever rising feel of the music. It's a rising agony. Truly a masterpiece. Many bands are cold and sad. Empyrium's music is warm and sad to me. This makes them unique. A folksy, symphonic, heavy doomy sound.

And it is not good of me to fail to mention Arvo Pärt, the Estonian classical composer. His minimal depressing compositions made me look at music from a whole new perspective. There is always that minimalist sadness in it, but a call is always moving you forth in his works. Then there is one sudden glorious, majestic rise and a tragic fall afterwards in most of his compositions. My more recent neoclassical elements are definitely due to his works.

Cosmic (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

How did you get inspired to start writing your own music?

I've always loved making music. Composing, rather than playing an instrument. And there was this other thing, called synesthesia. It is a kind of rare mental condition in which two or more of the five primary senses find a way to connect, which aren't connected normally. It has many types. I, however, can see the sounds. It makes me see every sound in my mind in terms of a shape, color, movement/direction, surface roughness, and brightness. I have had this condition since I can remember.

I don't see anything meaningful though, just some random shapes. Like the cello has a thick, dark green, rough line shape at lower notes and a bright, shining, thin green light at higher notes. So when I listened to music, there was a world of colors dancing in my mind and it fascinated me so much. I didn't know this was a thing until age 15.

You are alone in the scene here. Stores won't sell your physical releases and stages to perform are hard to get.

Being able to bring my own desired colors in music was something I wanted to do for a long time. I first started playing guitar back in high school, but that didn't give me the diversity I wanted. So I started creating instrumental tracks which were nowhere near metal -- mostly New Age music with synths. As time passed, my love for doom and heavier sounds found a way into my music. I used many instruments to paint my tracks: cello for green, piano for purple and blue, violin for yellow, sitar synths for shining red points, and guitar riffs for orange -- like a massive wall. My love for New Age and doom metal made me think of that paradoxical extreme once again. Why not try combining dark and heavy doom and funeral doom with bright atmospheric new age? This was when Roaring Empyrean came to life back in 2011.

As many New Age acts, I'd like my music to take the listener on a journey in their minds and make them think -- think about themselves and their existence. People today just follow what they are made to follow, and don't ask why. They don't think about why things are the way they are in this modern world. They lack thinking. They just obey and overfill themselves with whatever joys the unwritten rules are giving them.

What instruments, pedals, and amps do you have access to?

As for the gear, I'm afraid I rely so much on synthesizers and samplers -- not that I want to, but the poor economy here prevented me many times from getting the equipment and instruments I want. We don't produce any non-Iranian instruments, so everything is an imported product, and comparing the falling Rial to GBP or the US dollar, for someone like me, it is still impossible. But I have plans to leave Iran. Maybe then I can get the gear I want and make more lively sounds. But I can't keep quiet and not make music 'till then.

The Monarch (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

Have you had the opportunity to perform publicly?

No, never have I performed public. And I have no intention yet, unless I gather the gear I want. However, I've always liked to perform in a symphony once in my life. Maybe one day.

If you could play anywhere in the world, what would be your top scenes and would there any bands you'd love to be on the same bill with?

Interesting question! My doomy, metallic side likes to perform in the doomiest places. I'd like to perform in a sanctuary or a cave, as I have seen in some festivals like Doom Shall Rise, which is sadly is no longer going on. But there are many. Tokyo, London, and the US are generally places I'd like to perform. The other, non-metal side of me would like to perform at the Vienna Musikverein concert hall with a full orchestra and metal set together performing Roaring Empyrean.

These dreams surely seem impossible now, but there is this Persian saying: "Let the youth dream." I'd be honored to perform alongside Shape of Despair, Pantheist, Worship, Mournful Congregation, and Ankhagram more than others in the scene, but I'd be glad to play along any at all.

Mournful Congregation has a track called "The Rubaiyat" in which they sing translations of Hakim Omar Khayam's Rubaiyat -- short poems in a certain style. This makes them so respected in my heart, as I love Omar Khayam and we read those poems here as they are in native Old Persian. I'd like to play an opener for them.

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[lj-todd]

Challenge: Nyx is the eager alpha and titus is the hidden!omega who just been found out by nyx. Let the chase begin.

Nyx was, Titus found, like most young Alphas. Cocky. Overachieving. Wanting to prove himself no matter the risk to himself. But, unlike most young Alphas, Nyx also had a protective streak that would, Titus was sure, get the young man killed one day. Nyx would throw himself into danger to protect fellow Glaives or civilians alike. It drove Titus crazy, having to deal with the behavior labelled as insubordination, but not for the reason most people seemed to think.Everyone in Insomnia, everyone in Lucis for that matter, believed the legendary Captain of the Kingsglaives to be, like the majority of the population, a Beta. And he encouraged that belief. It was easier to be Captain, to be seen in that position of command, as a Beta rather than the Omega he truly was. It was easy to hide his true dynamic. Easy to use scent and heat blockers to maintain the illusion.Or it had been.Before Nyx Ulric.

From that first day, overseeing the new recruits, Titus had struggled around Nyx. Something about the young Alpha had drawn him like a moth to a flame and it had taken years of practice, of self-control, all of it really, to keep from doing something stupid and embarrassing that would out him to the world as an Omega. And things only got worse from there.Titus tried to handle it by maintain a distance. Keeping things strictly professional between them. And it worked. For a while. But when it came to Nyx the walls he had carefully built around himself started to crack. Little slip ups, a tilt of his head or a low trilling sound during training, that caused Nyx to pause, to look at him funny, the young Alpha carefully scenting the air as though Titus couldn’t clearly see what he was doing.The Omega did his best to pretend nothing had changed.But that all changed during a mission to the border of Lucis, they were there to help evacuate a town, to bring the refugees to Insomnia, and, not surprising, the forces of Niflheim had pressed their advantage.The Glaive had just barely managed to hold the line while the civilians scrambled onto the transport. They lost three Glaives before Titus had called the retreat and, either because he was distracted by making certain all his people got to safety or because he had seen Nyx warp into the heart of danger to buy them all more time, as he took a step towards the transport he took a shot to the shoulder. A shot that dropped him.He looked up to see an MT over him, readying to go for the kill, but there was a flash of blue and purple light, the King’s magic, and Nyx was there, kukri slicing into the MT’s neck, saving him before, with barely a word of warning, warping them across the distance to the transport, helping him aboard and snarling for the driver to get them all the hell out of there.Leaning back in a seat, Titus hissed as he reached up, probing the wound to his shoulder, knowing he would need to see a medic the moment they reached the safety of the city, only to end up growling when Nyx was suddenly there, offering to bandage the wound. He tried to argue, to insist he could do it himself, but Nyx had refused to leave him alone until, finally, grudgingly, he accepted the Alpha’s help.It took a bit of maneuvering to shrug off his coat and then Nyx’s deft fingers carefully cut away the fabric of his shirt, exposing the bloody wound. The Alpha growled faintly, an angry, ugly sound as, gently as he could, he set about cleaning and wrapping the wound. It was the best they could do, given the limited medical supplies available but it would certainly do until they reached the city, and when Nyx growled again, the sound making the civilians around them nervous and jumpy, Titus immediately let out a sawing purr, trying to calm the Alpha before things took a bad turn.It was, of course, a natural response, an Omegan instinct, and one that made Nyx look at him with wide eyed surprise.He tried to shuffle away but, before he could move too far or try to regain control of the situation, Nyx moved and, in probably the most unprofessional move of his time as a Glaive, pressed his face to Titus’ neck and inhaled deeply. Even with the scent blocker, with the Alpha being that close, that determined and given the adrenaline still pumping through his veins, it was impossible to hide the truth.Nyx knelt there for a moment, seemingly lost in Titus’ scent, nose brushing against Titus’ neck, hot breath ghosting over his skin and Titus shivered slightly before finding the strength to push the Alpha away.Nyx let out a low sound and started to move close again but Titus’ hand pressed to his chest, holding him back, earning a quiet rumble.“Not. Here.” Titus growled out and, though it seemed to take a moment, Nyx did slowly move back, blinking slowly, never taking his gaze from Titus the rest of the way back to the city. And, though they parted so that a medic could tend to Titus, the Omega knew it was only a matter of time.He wasn’t back to his apartment for twenty minutes before a knock came on the door.He knew it was Nyx. Even before opening the door. He could smell the Alpha’s scent, salt air and earthy spice, and he knew the sound of the footsteps in the hallway. He knew the familiar rap of knuckles on the wood and, whether it was because of the incident on the transport or because he was tired of hiding, especially when it came to Nyx, when he moved to answer the door he didn’t bother trying to put on a shirt or spraying himself with anymore of that disgusting scent blocker.Opening the door, standing there, watching how Nyx’ nostrils flared, catching his scent so openly for the first time, Titus felt like he had won something.Neither spoke, Ttus merely stepped to the side, opening the door wider and Nyx stepped in, the door barely closing behind him before he moved, reaching out, reaching up, to tangle his fingers in the short strands of Titus’ hair, tugging the large Omega down a bit even as he rose up on his toes to press a kiss, wet and hot and insistent, to Titus’ lips.The Omega growled, deeply, needily, hands curling tightly around Nyx’s hips, drawing the Alpha closer, feeling himself growing wet with the desire for more.There would be so much to talk about, things to say and do between the two of them, but, as Titus tugged Nyx towards the bedroom, all of that failed to matter.The only thing that mattered right now was giving in to the desire, the want, he had felt since first laying eyes on Nyx and, if the hard cock pressed to his hip was anything to judge by, Nyx felt the same.

[foreverholdmedown]

Short: “Welcome Home”

“Ma, can you fix this please? I want it higher up like you did it yesterday.”

Robyn quickly whipped her head around at the sound of Yari’s playfully squeaky voice. Before she could give her the response that immediately registered on her mind, a glimpse of her one year old son wobbling his way towards the entrance of the bedroom took precedence over her step-daughter’s millionth request of the morning. With her traveling make up case in hand, she quickly trekked over to his small frame and scooped him up towards her side with one arm. In his usual fashion, the sound of his giggles filled the room and the babbling that followed instantly warmed her heart and took her mind off of the hectic routine it is in getting the both of them ready no matter what time of the day it is. Her attempt to distract him with his all time favorite red and furry Sesame Street character and a snack was a failure and his big sister had no interest in occupying her time with him because her look for the day was of far more importance than her younger brother who she usually smothers with her love.

“Yari, if I put your ponytail up any higher, you won’t be able to wear the hat that your uncle Mike gave to you. So, which one is it? A high ponytail or the hat?” The faint ding of her iPhone alerted her but she didn’t have enough care or concern to head in it’s direction to figure out who was contacting her. She already knew who it was and her impatient husband would have to accept her pending lateness and wait it out. Instant regret filled her thoughts as she turned down her mother-in-law’s offer to ready the children herself and take them with her ahead of Robyn’s departure from her five bedroom, four bathroom Raleigh, North Carolina home. She assured her that she had everything under control and she thought she did, though she had just a couple of hours of sleep, but the current chaos was proof that her mouth moved quicker than her mind could ponder on it.

“I’ll wear the hat.” Her sigh of relief was mental. She had already slicked her ponytail back so well, that the thought of unraveling it, just to do it all over again made frown.

“Good. Can you mind your brother for just a couple of seconds while I grab a few things out of the bathroom? We’re heading out in about two minutes.” She’d already packed his diaper bag with the day’s necessities and even Yari’s MCM backpack with her iPad, two books, and enough snacks to keep her occupied on the hour ride down to Fayetteville. Herself? As she walked into the bathroom, she tossed the remaining products on the counter into her make up bag and zipped it shut. She’d have to improvise and do it when they’re both unable to do anything but sit still; in the car. With a lifestyle as a renowned supermodel, CEO, full time wife, and mother, she became a pro at doing things on the go, in the tightest situations, or when time isn’t on her side. Most would say, it’s when she’s in her superwoman element most.

“Okay, lets get out of here before we’re way too late.”

With Jaxton on her hip, both his bag and her bags hanging off of her arm, her step-child in tow, and her six inch heels hitting the flawlessly waxed wooden floors of Kay’s gifted home in yet another celebration of her retirement, she made her way downstairs and outside to the awaiting chauffeured SUV. The task of getting Jaxton’s car seat properly situation wasn’t as much of a hassle as it can be from time to time and Yari’s desire to stretch out in the seat furthest back gave her the appropriate room she needed for her cosmetic task.

“Can we get Diary Queen today? Maybe we can grab some for papi too.”

“It’s December. I know it’s not as chilly and cold down here as it is in New York right now, but you’re definitely going to get cold eating ice cream.”

“I can eat it in the car.”

“If we happen to see one, we’ll stop. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Nothing prepares you for motherhood more than experience. Advise is useful, articles and books are okay, but parenting is an individual learning process that outweighs all others massively. Walking a runway in the upper echelon of designer garments is effortless, sitting in a conference room and brain storming what’s next for the company falls under a natural finesse, and continuing to be hailed as one of the most alluring and interesting people in the world is attributed to a spunk that existed within her since her conception. Motherhood? The most unpredictable spontaneity of all time. No matter how many compliments she receives for holding the Cole residence together in such a smooth and tight knit manner, the chaos she experiences while trying to do so is felt tremendously. Mommy Robyn is the head of that household and the man she vowed her life to will tell you so. Balancing the blooming personality of Yari and the curious busy body that is Jaxton keeps her on her feet, toes, and every other limb. There’s the sleepless nights and early mornings, the constant rearranging of anything that’s within his reach, and having to figure out ways to have five additional eyes to follow his every move. Then comes the jazz tap dance recitals, soccer practice and games, PTA meetings, and the every other weekend slumber parties with friends that turns their home into a loud fun fest for three additional girls. Wife Robyn? Oh she’s just as busy. There’s the bi coastal living because Jermaine enjoys recording in Los Angeles, the traveling to and from festival performances all over the place, the six dates of The Warm Up version of the Dollar & A Dream Tour that she swore she’d only attend half of, and just him in general. Work? A five hundred mile per hour train that thankfully has rest stops. Their Paris wedding? Dear, God.

“Shh. Shh. Here.” As she held her Beauty Blender with one hand, she placed Jaxton’s frozen teething ring in his hand to soothe his antsy whines. That part of his growth hasn’t gone over quite well. There are good days and bad ones. The night she and Jermaine were due to fly to Tahiti for their one year wedding anniversary, they spent it sitting in a hospital as his teething and an ear inflection left him with a high fever and endless crying. Tahiti didn’t happen. She couldn’t leave him until he was restored to perfect health.

Parenting.

“Thank you so much. Really. You didn’t have to do that.” Robyn carefully brushed on the bronzer she needed to warm up her face and smiled at the elderly driver as he tilted his cap to acknowledge her appreciation. He’d gone in and gotten the ice cream for Yari so no one had to move out of their places.

The fresh air and familiarity of her surroundings were partly a distraction from the light application of blush that followed. The highlight? A subtle golden glimmer that enhanced her naturally sun kissed skin and lastly a nude lip gloss.

“Though we’re going to support, you know your dad is working right?”

“Yes.” Robyn reached in-between the seats to lightly brush a sprinkle off of Yari’s cheek.

“So if he’s talking, don’t interrupt and if he’s doing interviews, make sure you wait until he’s completely finished to grab his attention. He claims that he won’t be too busy, but you know that’s always subject to change.”

“I know. Be mindful.”

“Yes. Be mindful.”

“I can’t believe he invited all of those people to grandma’s old house.”

“Me either, but that mind of his; it’s always filled with unique ideas.”

A private listening session inside of the humble three-bedroom home at 2014 Forest Hills Drive, his former childhood home, sounded like the coolest and yet most insane idea he’d come up with thus far, but as expected, he’s pulled off what she thought may have been the impossible. He announced the album’s December ninth release date with a touching seven minute introductory film highlighting him, Fayetteville, and it’s natives in mid-November and has since created a roll out of fan experiences that are a testament to his “Man of the People” label. Now has he has people locals and people from multiple states traveling long distances for a chance to spend maybe an hour or a little less in the comfort of the home that inspired what would be downloading onto their iTunes libraries in a couple of days. Despite her exhaustion from a two day trip to London for a Vogue photo shoot and Monica’s launch of her collaboration with Missguided and a return to New York for meeting at her imprint, she refused to miss it. That house is apart of her childhood just as much as it is apart of his.

“You finally made it.” The driver didn’t have a chance to get out and open the door. Ib had already done it for him and the sly smirk on his face sparked a playful rolling of the eyes from Robyn.

“Shut up. You have no kids. I have two and then there’s myself. It’s a process.”

“I’m sure it is. Your man’s been looking for you. I told him you were just on diva time but you’d be here eventually.”

“Well, I’m here.”

“I see that. He’s over there talking with a reporter from Noisey. The first batch of people literally just went inside so you really haven’t missed much. I don’t even think they have the headphones handed out yet. Are you listening today too?” She looked on as he unhooked the belts in the car seat and carefully grabbed his “nephew” out of it.

“No. Still waiting until the release date.” Though it was difficult, she vowed to listen when the rest of the world would. She, arguably his biggest fan, wanted to hear it when the rest of the fans did.

“You’re so lame for that. Come on Yari. And why didn’t you bring me any ice cream? As much as I buy you ice cream, you couldn’t buy me some?” T heir lighthearted bickering became faint as he walked away from the vehicle with both children and it was finally time for Robyn to have just a minute or two of a breather. From the window of the car, she watched as Jermaine’s eyes lit up at the sight of his offspring and he did what she warned Yari against. He excused himself mid-sentence and went on to shower the both of them with hugs and multiple kisses to their cheeks. The daddy’s girl in Yari showed itself all over her expression instantly and Jaxton’s teething ring hit the ground as his drool filled mouth smiled at the sight of his best buddy. It was in that house that she’d quietly ogle over him and sometimes imagine what he’d be like as a father and now to see it come to fruition is something that cannot be put into words. He’s a phenomenal father. She knew he would be back then despite her doubts that his children would come from her. Of course, God knew what her doubts wouldn’t allow her to see or believe.


Upon exiting the vehicle, she didn’t approach her family, in-laws, Jermaine’s busy team of people, or the surprised natives on the block who were simply hanging around to enjoy the experience. Instead, she began to slowly walk down the street taking it all in.

Often times, she attempts to figure how Ronald found out about this city and why he felt compelled to move here. She never asked. What called him here? They didn’t have a single relative within the state let alone the city. He didn’t have an incredible job waiting for him. There was no woman he happened to have met, though he had his flings here and there. It never made much sense initially but now, it does. Despite his choices, it was never about him. This was all an awakening and new beginning for her. She’d come here to meet what would challenge, test, nurture, enlighten, encourage, and most of all love her. Every single memory of this street and the many others that they’ve walked or drove along, hung out on, or simply passed through are all reflections of her falling deeply in love with Jermaine Lamarr Cole. Genuine love was always apart of her prayers as her family unraveled. It was at the forefront of all of her other desires whether they were necessities or not. The blessing came in a risk to leave all she knew behind and to start anew. It then came in a warm and welcoming city, that embraced the young and scarred girl from a small island. Lastly, it manifested in a high yellow and lanky boy who thought she was an African foreign exchange student. Life is a trip; a damn good one though.

“What’s a man have to do to get a hello and kiss from his wife?” Chills tickled the nape of Robyn’s neck as the all too familiar deep and raspy voice interrupted her thoughts. She turned back to glimpse at his crooked smile and turned in her heels so she’d be face to face with what had easily just aroused her. Just the sound of his voice. He still has it like that. He’s always had it like that.

“A man just has to come and get it. His wife is always willing.”

Their embrace was just as passionate as the kiss they shared. All thoughts of possible regard for onlookers went out of the window when he locked his addicting lips over hers and hungrily snaked his tongue beyond the barrier of her lips and into her warm mouth. His hands met their favorite place to rest and it was her laughter that interrupted what was turning into a heated exchange.

“You trying to start round two of what you interrupted my sleep for this morning?” She’d fallen into such a deep slumber that she was damn near drooling on her pillow and the sound of his alarm briefly interrupted that. Her thoughts of stretching out and returning to her amazing sleep were pointless. He never left the bed. Instead, her nightgown was being pulled over head as he kissed along her neck and her hands were adamantly working to rid him of the barriers covering his skin. He wasted no time filling her, becoming one with her mind, body, and soul. Sleep then no longer mattered.

“I’m hoping to once the house clears out.”

“Babe!” Her hand lightly smacked into his chest at the sound of his light laughter. He embraced her again, without a kiss, and it reminded her of the hugs they’d share multiple times of day no matter what was going on. He’d always been a hugger, far more than she ever was. He playfully forced them on her until she had no choice but to get used to it happening. It swiftly grew from being slightly annoying, to highly anticipated, to being apart of her daily needs to function properly. His hugs always spoke to her. They ceased her worries for just that moment and made her world alright. Even now in all that they have and the comfort they live in, being in his embrace is still her safe haven.

“Isn’t it crazy to be out here doing this? It’s so full circle.”

“Right? I was thinking about that as I sat on the hood of the Civic when I got here this morning. We came up huh, Baby Girl?”

“I’d say so.”

“You know, I fell madly in love with you in that house.” He nodded his head towards the partially bricked home with the smoky blue shutters that she grew to love so much.

“And I, with you.” He pulled his lip in-between his teeth as his reflections ran across his mind. The serene peace in his expression drew her in.

“It was also in that house that I knew one day, I’d ask you to marry me.” Robyn glanced at the lavish diamonds as they dazzled on the forth finger of her left hand.

“And you did. It was in that house that I dreamed of having children with you.”

“And you did.” He nodded in pride. “A lot of shit went down in that house, but somehow, for me, every memory comes back to you. That house is our beginning.”

“It is. That makes it and this city more beautiful than any other place we’ve ever been. It’s home. We’re home.” Barbados will always be home, but Fayetteville is the embodiment of home. Despite everything, it’s the city that raised her.

“We’re home.”

On their hand in hand walk back to the house, they pointed out the homemade ‘Welcome Home Jermaine’ signs that decorated the front yards of multiple houses, but it was the one directly in front of the 2014 driveway that stole their hearts. Not only was his name on it, but so was Robyn’s and their children. It had been Kay’s doing.

As Jermaine returned to his favorite seat on the hood of the Civic that took them on some of the wildest and funniest journeys, he held Jaxton in his arms and resumed the interview. Yari sat up on the shoulders of Ib as she joined him in being “co-manager” of day’s festivities. And Robyn? She stood along side her mother-in-law, on the side of the house near the mailbox.

“You know, if you’re going to marry my son, you have to learn how to cook for him.” Laughter immediately spilled from Robyn’s lips as she registered the all too familiar quote from Kay. She’ll never forget how flustered she was while standing in that kitchen after she said it. She’d called both of their bluffs long before the two of them would ever consider admitting it.

“I always knew it would be you sweetie.” With a bashful nod, she threw an arm around the neck of the woman who had been a maternal figure to her even when she resisted it. She then locked eyes with Jermaine who quickly winked with a smirk.

He knew too.