#and people love to romanticise the middle ages

[tyrannuspitch]

been looking at some images today, time for my wildly uninformed opinion. the difference between celtic and nordic knotwork is Like So:

[ch3rryb0mb3rr]

Tldr; please put warnings on smut and have it below the cut and stop sexualizing minors in media. Especially if they just came out of middle school thats weird. Write what you want but tag and put warnings when needed.

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I get so pissed when im going to read something about my favorite character, and it's smut WITH ZERO WARNING.

No 18+, no NSFW, no MDNI and it isnt even in the fucking tags. I dont wanna read that shit. Put the damned warnings there for the love of all that is green on this earth it takes two seconds. maybe a bit more, but if you could pump out 3.4k words of pure porn, I think you can handle a couple of tags and warnings

I am a minor, and i use those warnings, so I dont read straight-up porn!! I also dont need to read about incest accidentally because there was NO warning, and it was NOT in the tags!!

(And for those of you who do put warnings, i thank you and wish the best in life!)

(I am also well aware that a lot of people dont listen to dnis like that, but it's helpful for the people trying to avoid reading stuff like that)

Also, while im on the subject, let's not sexualize minors in media. Yeah their hot, i can see that. But i dont want to see the start of an NSFW alphabet for a 15/16 year old. Aged up my ass. Just put the beginning below the cut?? And not after the first four letters??

I do NOT need to know a fav characters preferred body part is the tits thank you very much. I definitely do not need to accidentally read that they wanna suck on it like a damned bottle.

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'This character as your friend is soo perverted he wants to steal ur panties hehehe' NO HE DOESNT. HE'S A TEENAGER AND LIKES CATS. TF?? theres adults in the majority of the show that are reasonably attractive. Write that shit about them.

'Oh, they have this list of kinks,' and its shit only someone who has read hardcore smut would have. They are 16 and most probably haven't had sex because the creator cant give them a fucking break from trauma.

'He would be soooo toxic and blahblahblah [insert romanticised assault and abuse and trauma]' NO. that boy is my age and is a nerd. Motherfucker wants to study at princeton and has absolutely no flirting ability. You're only saying that because he's black, most of that shit reeks of racism.

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These characters are kids, CHILDREN, and you as an adult (if you are one) should not be writing smut about them, aged up or not. You should not be thirsting over a sophmore when theres PLENTY of good looking adults that you can be.

Theres a difference in growing up liking a character and having a crush on them and growing out of it when you're an adult. And being an adult thirsting over a teenage boy. It's not cute. it's not 'oh, it's fine because he/she's not real'.

Its really fucking gross actually.

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At the end of the day just tag your stuff correctly. That way its easier for everyone else to find EXACTLY what they wanna read. Because at this point im just gonna start reporting fics with no warnings at the beginning.

Someome younger than me with no parents looking through their devices could stumble on that, and not know what it means, read it, and be scarred for life.

I was reading that stuff way way way too earlier and its fucked up my mental state a bit so if we collectively start putting in the effort to help prevent this from happening to another 11 year old or younger than we should do so.

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Start gatekeeping fandoms like creepypasta from young kids, start tagging shit correctly

Another child does not need to end up somewhat hypersexul with very violent intrusive thoughts by the time they hit high school because their parents wouldn't look out for them, and the fandom did NOTHING to try to prevent it.

Its not your job to parent the kid, and to look over their should. Thats not what im saying.

It IS your job to, again, tag shit correctly, put warnings for gore, bluring violent images, saying outright that a certain game/book/story/etc your recommending is NOT for kids due to its violent nature/sexual content/etc. Reporting accounts of children under the age limit for social media (i.e., a 10 year old with discord or instagram) (it is breaking the T.O.S)

Act like that one lgbtq+ chat room website I was on for a couple weeks where all the adults kinda looked out for me a bit. And supported me figuring out who I was and collectively riped a guy to shreds after I blasted him at a failed attempt to groom me. (And told me I had done exactly the right thing in this situation. Also, hi, if you know who I am from there!!!) (Story time if ya'll want I look back and think its the funniest thing ever how I dealt with him 💀)

[r3verse-the-polarity]

It is probably a neurodivergent thing because I feel like a lot of the people I know relate;

a person, regardless of how self-aware or intentional they are in their aesthetic or personality, is not just themselves, standing or sitting with you. One individual has a whole kind of "vibe" about them, which is very specific to them because it is the fusion of their style and personality and interests. Obviously the popularization of "aesthetics" through social media probably has a lot to answer for in this, but it's kind of nice.

This middle aged white man in a black puffer jacket and chinos... Mustard and lake water, TV ambience and coffee, enduring love, working hard, engineering.

Like, obviously this is all artistic and romanticised but I just get it.

I think that could be part of why music is so attractive to us. Every song is a whole atmosphere, and an album is a whole vibe And most musicians have a defined, manufactured visual and personal aesthetic to them. I feel like sometimes musicians and actors play a persona of themselves in interviews. We get so much more information from a subject than just... It.

Maybe and sometimes definitely it's wrong if we create so much chaos around looks and fashion before we know someone through conversation, and certainly we should not make assumptions about one another. I know that that sentence didn't make much grammatical sense but that's the way I thought it.

Creating characters I start with a vibe and it creates the person, rather than starting with the person and learning the "vibe" like we do in reality.

And I feel like this is when nd people become truly creative. We are so attracted to media because it's a controlled way of observing the world.

[brcdsweston]

"a burnt child loves the flame"

wait, is that BRODY WESTON? they kinda look a lot like ARCHIE RENAUX, don’t they? i heard the 21 year old is known as the HEDONIST around mckinley. it seems like they auditioned to be in THE WARBLERS which is so lame? people at campus have said they’re MAGNETIC, but don’t be fooled since they’re also REACTIVE. rumor has it, you can find them at HOCKEY TEAM {CAPTAIN} when they aren’t belting show tunes. their entire vibe revolves around A WORKING CLASS CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER, TAKING A PUNCH WITH A SMILE, A DEVILISH GRIN  but no one pays attention to that here in ohio.

brody weston is auditioning for the warblers with the other side - michael marcagi.

BASICS

full name: brody weston.

pronouns: he/him.

hometown: livingston, montana.

birthday & sign: september 2nd, virgo.

age: twenty-one

relationship status: single

sexuality: heterosexual, tried being with guys but wasn't for him.

occupation: student at dalton academy / social media influencer.

clubs: hockey team.

glee club: the warblers

major: music production.

CONNECTIONS

can be found here

HEADCANONS

Brody grew up in Montana with his mother. His father left them for another woman when he was a young teenager. Since then he & his mom has struggled with low income and putting meals on the table - this struggle and the abandonment of his father triggered reactive anger issues within the boy. If it wasn't for his high school P.E. teacher, who was also his mother's best friend, he would have been expelled from school however he directed Brody into taking up Hockey as an outlet for his energy and also anger, as it could be a violent sport. Thanks to this Brody received a scholarship to Dalton Academy to play hockey and study Music Production.

Alongside his classes and training, Brody earns money from being a social media influencer. A clip of a hockey fight he was in the middle of had went viral and he gathered a fan base who romanticised his reactive on-ice behaviour. He's known as the bad boy of varsity ice hockey and lives up to the persona so he doesn't lose any income as he sends most of his earnings back home to Montana for his mother to live stress-free.

The only thing that calmed Brody down growing up was listening to music - he didn't have a specific taste, he listened to anything with a captivating beat or grounding lyrics. Most people think that he wants to become an artist / music producer to chase the fame that he claims to love but in reality he hopes that one day he would be able to ground someone like music did for him.

[lonely-soul-02]

Noel's Letter To My Younger Self - The Big Issue

Quotes that stood out to me from Noel’s personal essay Letter To My Younger Self with The Big Issue magazine.

Note: for those outside the UK, The Big Issue is a newspaper style magazine that offers homeless people an opportunity to earn money. Homeless people stand on the street with an armful of magazines and will shout out to passers-by if they want to buy one, so to get a physical copy, you need to buy it direct from a homeless person selling it. This might provide some context for Noel's political comments.

“I was always a hopeful child if not always a happy one.”

“All I was interested in was music and escapism.”

"If my upbringing taught me anything, it was resilience, I got that from my mum."

“[Peggy’s] bark was fucking ferocious.  Her bite was non-existent. She had very, very bad language.  That’s where I learned to swear, from my mum.”

“When I was a teenager I romanticised everything…I didn’t know it at the time but I was already laying the groundwork for what I would become - an artist, a romantic.”

“[the Irish folk musicians] can make the most miserable subjects sound amazing and almost spiritual. I love that and I love it to this day.”

“Singing is good for the soul. It releases endorphins in the brain, you get high from singing.  It’s why people sing at church.  Football stadiums are the working man’s cathedrals.”

“And then one day Liam just said, you write songs, play us one of yours…It was only when other people joined in on my music and Liam started singing that the light bulb went off.  And it was like, wow, actually, this could be really fucking good.  I can’t articulate what kind of emotion it was. It was not a massive eureka moment, but it wasn’t indifference either.”

Translating Noel: it was a fucking massive eureka moment hearing his brother sing the songs he’d written

“You never knew what mood Liam was going to turn up in and I found the whole thing really fucking stressful.”

“I might step in to press pause on my younger self a few times and say hang on a minute.  Can we just go back a couple of months and fucking fix this?”

“I feel sorry for young people growing up in this country now, Brexit has been a fucking absolute unmitigated disaster…Politics has come to a fucking dead end…I don’t understand what any of them stand for anymore."

“The Tories are going to run this country into the ground and then pass it over to Labour and say good luck with that."

"[the politicians living in London] might want to get on a train once in a while and get outside of the M25 and you'll see how much of a fucking shithole this country is in."

"In the outskirts of Manchester where I was born, everything is boarded up. Everything is gone. This was supposed to be a modern world where nobody was gonna get left behind.”

N.B. It was David Cameron who said nobody would be left behind in a Tory Britain.

“Music of all forms is so fucking middle class now.  The working class musician is at the bottom of the pile now.  That’s why music is shit because youth culture, 99 times out of 100, comes from the working class.  That’s why so many kids now are loving Oasis. Because we were the real deal."

"Part of me is a little bit sad that no-one came to take our place. No one's come along to speak for them [youth] about their lives and their culture and where they're going next."

"Ive got two young sons...and I feel anxious for young guys. They don't really know how to behave with all this woke shit that's now foisted upon everybody. Angry white middle-aged women telling young guys how to behave and all this bollocks. I look at my sons and I have to put them in a headlock sometimes and say, don't worry about these people, just be who you are...They're shackled by the internet and wokeism and by living in a country where fuck all works."

"My 40s were the best decade of my life."

"Every day since I turned 50 has been a fucking ballache."

"If I could have one final conversation with anyone in my life...I'd talk to my ex-father-in-law who passed away recently. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye . I'ld like to tell him what a great man I thought he was. And I'd also like to talk to my old granny, my dad's mum. I'd like just to say, you'll never fucking guess what happened to me and the other fella."

[heartofstanding]

Hi! I know it's difficult/impossible to judge the feelings of historical figures centuries after they're gone, but I always wondered why Joan of Kent chose to be buried beside her first husband Thomas Holland rather than Edward. I don't know much about her though, so I was wondering what you think about it. Thank you!

Hi! Sorry for taking so long to reply, as you'll find this is a very long reply! Joan's decision to be buried beside Thomas Holland is a very interesting one.There tends to be two main camps of through - that she chose to be buried beside Holland because she loved him "the most" or that her choice of burial location was the culmination of a deliberate policy of political obscurity that Joan had employed since the Peasants Revolt of 1381, where stories circulated that she had been attacked, and the arrival of Anne of Bohemia in 1382.

Behind the cut, I'll give an overview of the various arguments, some other possible explanations and offer my thoughts. I don't think it has to be one reason and one reason alone. People usually have a few reasons behind the major decisions they make and for a medieval noblewoman, who had a choice of locations she could choose to be buried at, the location of her burial was a major decision.

For Love

The most popular interpretation of Joan's choice is that it's a choice made from pure emotion and romance. She choses to buried beside Holland because she loved him the most. Her biographer, Penny Lawne, for instance, says that it is the "more probable" explanation for her choice:

Thomas Holand had been the great love of her life, and she wanted to be with him in death, and that this was in the end more important to her than any possible awkwardness this might cause Richard [II].

This does make a lot of sense. Medieval people believed that where and how a corpse was buried affected its condition in the afterlife, particularly during the second coming of Christ where the dead would rise from their graves. As Jessica Barker puts it, "if the dead were to be raised from their graves ... then it would follow that the person whom you lay beside would also be your companion in the Last Judgement". This suggests that Joan's choice reflected her desire to be with Holland in the afterlife.

Joan's relationship with Holland was exceptional. He was the second son of a knight, she was the granddaughter of Edward I, one of Edward III's first cousin who appears to have closely associated with Philippa of Hainault's household. Joan and Holland met, courted and married in secret. For whatever reason, it remained a secret and Joan later made a more conventional (though bigamous) marriage with William Montagu, the son of one of Edward III's favourites and eventually Earl of Salisbury. Holland later challenged the validity of Joan's marriage to Montagu via the papal courts and Joan supported his claims despite what appears to have been immense pressure not to do so, the loss of status and wealth that would result, and the possibility of alienating herself from her kin and earning the anger of Edward III. The papal courts found that her marriage to Holland was valid and annulled her second marriage, allowing her to live as Holland's wife.

The story of their relationship is extraordinary and has been hailed as one of the Middle Ages's great romances. In this context, her choice to be buried with Holland is the cherry on top, a testament to their enduring love despite the more prestigious marriage she made to the Black Prince and the twenty-five years that passed since Holland's death. It is clear by whatever metric that she still felt a strong emotional attachment to Holland.

I am very hesitant to romanticise their relationship too much. It was an extraordinary match, to be sure, but we do have to grapple with the fact that Joan was only around 12 years old when she married Holland and Holland was 24 or 25 years old, i.e. twice her age (we don't know the exact year of Joan's birth, she was born around 29 September in 1326, 1327 or 1328; Holland in 1314 or 1315). She married Holland (and their marriage was immediately consummated) by the spring of 1340, possibly in 1339. In other words, she could have only been 13 years at the most and possibly as young as 11, when she and Holland married. This, to me, looks more like a story of grooming and abuse than one of the greatest love stories of medieval England.

Obviously, Joan did feel strongly about Holland and probably did love him. Her choice to be buried with him may well have been motivated by that love, at least in part. That I read the relationship's origins as abuse does not necessarily preclude the possibility that Joan did not read it that way and that, in turn, does not necessarily preclude the possibility that it was abusive. Abuse is complicated and produces complicated responses in victims.

It doesn't necessarily follow, either, that her choice indicates that she loved Holland more than the Black Prince or was stating a preference for him over the Prince or was subtly rejecting her marriage to the Prince. By the same logic, we would need to revise the love story of John of Gaunt and Katherine Swynford to "he always loved Blanche of Lancaster more than Katherine". Both Joan and Gaunt only had one body.

The triple tomb and monument, like that of Margaret Holland, Duchess of Clarence and her husbands, John Beaufort, Earl of Somerset and Thomas, Duke of Clarence, might seem like an ideal solution but the double tomb monument was only just starting to become common in England and the triple tomb monument was never that common. Besides, the Prince's status as a war hero and the expected future king (he was even referred to as "Edward IV" in some contemporary documents), as well as his status with Joan as the parents of the currently reigning king, would make Thomas Holland's incorporation into their burial and monument unusual and I suspect be considered highly inappropriate.

For Political Obscurity

The other major line of thought is that Joan's choice of location for her tomb is part of a policy of "political obscurity" that she followed after the Peasants Revolt and Anne of Bohemia's arrival in England. Joan's status in Richard II's reign was awkward and liminal. She was the mother of the king but not, as had been the case previously, a queen in her own right. She lacked the title and authority of a queen and she never underwent the purifying and legitimising process of a coronation. While she acted as a quasi-queen in the absence of a queen and developed a reputation as a peacemaker, there is evidence that it wasn't exactly a comfortable fit.

Joan's reputation had suffered the most during Edward III's reign. Her clandestine and bigamous marriages and the ensuing scandal became public knowledge may have suggested to her contemporaries she was a headstrong, devious woman who was prone to the weaknesses inherent to her sex and wielded a certain sexual power over men. The slightly less sexist view was that that she was a giddy young girl who saw herself as acting out a courtly romance, possibly going further than she meant to. Her reputation shifted upon her marriage to the Prince towards the more sinister, where the unusualness of their match saw the surfacing of the idea that Joan had manipulated the Prince into marrying her.

This reputation was partially repaired by the way she conducted herself as Princess of Aquitaine, where the only criticism of her were complaints about her style of dress, much in the same way that clerics complain about women and fashion throughout the Middle Ages (it's basically an "old man yells at cloud" situation), and in the unstable last years of Edward III's reign and first years of Richard II's. She doubtlessly benefited from the fact that criticism was mostly focused on Alice Perrers and John of Gaunt.

But her scandalous past doesn't seem to have ever been entirely forgotten. In their accounts of Richard's deposition, both Adam of Usk and Jean Froissart report the rumours Richard was a bastard born from Joan's infidelity whose origins she deceived the Prince about. W. Mark Ormrod also argues that the story both recorded by Thomas Walsingham and Froissart that, during the Peasants Revolt of 1381, rebels broke into her bedroom in the Tower of London, broke her bed and asked her to kiss them, may have reflected a cruder story (now lost) current at the time, in which Joan was seen as "deserving" sexual victimisation because of her previous reputation. For Ormrod, Anne of Bohemia's arrival in England on the heels of these stories circulating mark the beginning of a programme of "self-effacement" and "political obscurity".

In his read, Joan's burial with Thomas Holland in the Greyfriars church in Stamford (Lincolnshire) is the culmination of this policy, where Joan effectively demoted herself from "princess to countess". Lawne, despite her claim that Joan's love for Holland inspired her choice, does seem to think there is something in this theory. The prominent placement of Edward's tomb would make Joan's also very public and she may, as Lawne suggests, have worried that her death would dredge up the controversy and infamy she had retired from court to avoid, perhaps even raising the question of the legitimacy of her marriage to Edward and thus the legitimacy of Richard's claim to the throne.

This is a tempting theory but there are uncertainties about it. Joan's retirement from court might have been less about her reputation and more about her declining health - Lawne suggests that Joan might have suffered from dropsy (edema) - or for a desire to live away from the controversies of court. She may have stepped back allow Anne of Bohemia the space to take up her role as queen and make it her own.

Joan may have also been sensitive to the fact that the last time the mother of the king had remained at court after the arrival of the new queen was during the minority of Edward III and his mother, Isabella of France, was widely condemned for her refusal to relinquish power to Philippa of Hainault, even to the point of delaying her coronation until it was an open scandal. Joan may have stepped back precisely to avoid similar condemnation rather than a desire for obscurity.

Other Reasons

Penance

Louise Tingle suggests that Joan's choice of burial may have been an act of "personal penance for her bigamous marriage". Her marriage to Holland lasted from 1340 to 1360 but nine of those years were spent in her bigamous marriage to William Montagu; thus her choice to be buried with Thomas is in some way to make up for this loss.

Preference for her Holland children

Ian Mortimer seems to suggest that Joan's choice of burial with Holland was her choosing her Holland children over Richard. I am not sure how he comes to that conclusion; none of her children chose to be buried in the same chapel. Her three surviving sons are the only beneficiaries to her will and Richard, addressed as "her very dear son", is named first and given her best bed while his Holland brothers also receive a bed each (the rest of her goods were to be sold), so she hardly shows an overt preference for her Holland children over him. We also don't know what her tomb monument looked like to know how or if she depicted her families on it.

Support for John Holland

John Holland, the younger surviving son of her first marriage, murdered Ralph Stafford shortly before her death and Richard refused to pardon him. The last recorded public act of Joan was a failed attempt to reconcile her two sons (they would reconcile after her death). It is not beyond the realm of possibility that she decided to be buried beside Thomas Holland as a gesture of support to John Holland, or as a sign of her forgiveness of him.

Location

The Black Prince intended to be buried in the chapel of Our Lady of the Undercroft in Canterbury Cathedral's crypt with Joan but at some point after his death, probably not too long after, the decision was made to bury him in the Trinity Chapel, beside the shrine to St. Thomas Beckett, one of the most popular (and the most famous) sites of pilgrimage in England. It's likely Joan was part of the group of people making these decisions at the time; others involved were likely to include Edward III, John of Gaunt, Simon Sudbury, Archbishop of Canterbury and the monks of the cathedral. Louise Tingle suggests that during her marriage to the Prince, Joan probably did plan to be buried with him in Our Lady of the Undercroft, and I'd suggest it's possible that the shift in the Prince's burial location led to Joan deciding to be buried elsewhere.

There are couple of things to note here. The first is the Prince's final resting spot was altogether a more prominent and public location which would, in turn, lead to Joan's burial being more prominent and public. If Joan had a policy of political obscurity (or even if she did not), she may have been comfortable being buried in the more obscure chapel but not in the chapel that was effectively one of the hottest tourist destinations.

Secondly, Francis Woodman suggests that the attitudes towards lay burial to Canterbury Cathedral was that it was a privilege guarded jealously and even the Archbishops of Canterbury (as members of the lay clergy) had to buy their way in. The Prince appears to have the first lay person to be buried and if burial was as restrictive as Woodman suggests, this may have meant restrictions were placed on Joan's options for burial. I wonder if she may have been allowed burial in the crypt chapel but not the Trinity Chapel and the idea of being "alone" in the crypt chapel led to her decide to be buried at Stamford with Holland. Alternatively, she may have been allowed burial in the Trinity Chapel but not with a monument or with a smaller monument than she felt befit her station so she chose to be buried in Stamford where her choice of tomb monument could be unrestricted. There have been other restrictions that lead to Joan feeling she didn't want to be buried at Canterbury Cathedral and choosing to go elsewhere.

Other Emotional Reasons

We lack historical evidence for a whole range of human experiences that Joan experienced. We don't know the intimate details of either of Joan's marriages to know whether anything happened to sway her one way or the other. This is something that history can't give us answers for but that fiction can give us possible answers.

An author might write a scene in which Holland frets that if he dies before Joan, she will marry a high-status man and forget him, she might promise to be buried with him. Another author might make something of the strains of living with someone with a chronic, debilitating illness and depict Joan choosing to be buried elsewhere out of shame at her reactions to the ill Prince.

In Anne O'Brien's novel, The Shadow Queen, Joan views the Prince's finished finished tomb and reads the epitaph on it that he personally chose. Finding its sentiments alien to her, she comes to the realisation that she never properly knew the Prince and decides that she can't be buried with him. In Juliet Dymoke's Lady of the Garter, the Prince undergoes a personality change as a result of his illness and the marriage suffers. Although Emma Campion's The Triple Knot ends with Joan's marriage to the Prince, it's clear she imagines him to be an controlling and abusive husband (he murders her puppy when he's six), and that this is the reason Joan opts for burial with Holland.

Though, I would hesitate to read Joan's relationship with the Prince as Campion does. As David Green says:

There is certainly no reason to believe that Joan’s choice of burial site was the result of a difficult relationship with Edward. Indeed, such evidence as we have suggests quite the contrary.

Some final thoughts

There doesn't have to be one singular decision as to why Joan decided to be buried with Holland over the Prince. There were probably a number of factors in play. There are two other considerations.

Firstly, it seems unlikely her decision to be buried beside Thomas Holland at the Greyfriars church in Stamford was a big shock. It seems that way to us because what evidence that survives is the Prince's will, where he intends Joan to be buried with him, and then her own will, where she says she's to be buried beside Holland. No chronicler expresses surprise or shock at her choice of burial or suggests that it had any coded message, such as disapproval of Richard II or disavowal of her final marriage.

It may have even been a decision she came to in the months between the Prince's death and his burial (he died 8 June and was buried 30 September, his funeral was 6 October). Anthony Goodman suggests that, amongst other reasons (such as the hope of Edward III recovering enough to attend), the delay may have been caused by the problems arranging the burial. If so, my own theory about the monks' reluctance to allow Joan a more prominent burial may have been one of the problems.

Her will, unlike the Prince's, leaves no detailed instructions for the construction of her tomb. The recent study of the Prince's tomb suggested that such instructions suggest no work on the Prince's tomb had begun at the time of his death. By the same logic, the lack of instructions in Joan's will, in addition to no evidence of Richard contributing to financially to it, might suggest that work had already begun (and perhaps even finished) before her death.

Secondly, so much speculation about that her tomb in part rests on the fact that it no longer exists. The Greyfriars church in Stamford and the tombs of Joan and Holland were destroyed in the Reformation. There are no records which suggest what kind of monument that Joan commissioned for herself (or others commissioned for her) or drawings or descriptions of it. As such, we have no idea what it looked like and what kind of identity she constructed for herself through it.

She may have downplayed her royal connections, her tomb reflecting the idea of her self-inflicted demotion from princess to countess as Ormrod suggested. Or it might have emphasised her status as mother of the king, Princess of Wales and Aquitaine, Duchess of Cornwall and Countess of Kent. It may have well emphasised her Holland marriage and family at the expense of her royal marriage and son or it might have emphasised her royal marriage and son at the expensive of her Holland marriage and son. It may have struck a balance between the two. We simply don't know. Even if it had survived, without any other records surviving, there is no way to know if it was Joan or her sons that determined what the tomb looked like.

References

Jessica Barker, Stone Fidelity: Marriage and Emotion in Medieval Tomb Structure (Boydell Press 2020)

Jessica Barker, Graeme McArthur & Emily Pegue "'Fully Armed in Plate of War'. Making the Effigy of the Black Prince", Burlington Magazine (November 2021)

Anthony Goodman, Joan, the Fair Maid of Kent: A Fourteenth Century Princess and her World (Boydell Press 2017)

David Green “‘A woman given to slippery ways’? The reputation of Joan, the Fair Maid of Kent”, People, Power and Identity in the Late Middle Ages: Essays in Memory of W. Mark Ormrod, eds.Gwilym Dodd, Helen Lacey, Anthony Musson (Routledge 2021)

Penny Lawne, Joan of Kent: First Princess of Wales (Amberley 2015)

Ian Mortimer, The Fears of Henry IV (Vintage 2008)

W. Mark Ormrod "In Bed with Joan of Kent: The King’s Mother and the Peasants’ Revolt" in Medieval Women: Texts and Contexts in Late Medieval Britain: Essays for Felicity Riddy, eds. Jocelyn Wogan-Browne, Rosalynn Voaden, Arlyn Diamond, Ann Hutchinson, Carol Meale, and Lesley Johnson (Brepols 2000)

Louise Tingle, Chaucer's Queens: Royal Women, Intercession, and Patronage in England, 1328–1394 (Palgrave Macmillan 2020)

Francis Woodman, "Kinship and Architectural Patronage in Late Medieval Canterbury: The Hollands, the Lady Chapel and the Empty Tomb", BAA Trans., vol. xxxv (2013)

[mishkakagehishka]

hi! different anon from earlier, lol :D

reading ur carrd and u specifically specified that u write non-romanticized yandere, and i am curious how the trope can be non-romanticized? /gen

as far as i know, the base yandere trope has always been pretty wack, and idrk if base yandere could be considered "romanticized" when its been like that since the start

Oh ! No worries, I'm glad to explain my reasoning :3

It's been a bit since I've consumed any original media featuring yand, but from what I've noticed in fanworks is that lots of people seem to think of yandere as a romance trope, if you get me? Sort of putting them in the same basket as "oh, he's a little jealous, but he's a nice guy!" or "oh, she's just passionate, how romantic that she killed her rivals!" which is, hm, dependant on how the love interest reacts, I guess. I think in a dark fantasy where they're both ruthless, it could work as a fucked up romance.

But when I write yandere, I use it as a psychological horror trope. It's scary to me, attractive in the usual weird "scary-hot" contrast fiction can awaken, but scary takes the cake, I think. Stalking, murder, being in danger, your friends/family being in danger, the fact that it's all dependant on the whims of someone you barely know (and then add according to the yandere type - a delusional might hurt you even if you play along perfectly because they'd delude themselves into thinking whatever they want to think, a sadist might hurt you just because they find it fun, a worshippy's horror is more subtle and based on the uncanny and uncomfortable with the whole pedestalling, but it's still there, and so on).

It's just me setting a sort of line. "I write a trope that is commonly shown as romantic, but don't expect that from me, because I see it as a horror trope and write it as such". Though, who knows, I only really read other horror-yand works, but I haven't branched out in ages, the situation might have changed since I was a middle schooler :3 But essentially i de-romanticise it just using a style i'd use to write horror rather than romance so the atmosphere fits what i want to show !

[runawaymun]

For the character ask: Galadriel (or Artanis if the time period is preferred) :)

1: sexuality headcanon

Ragingly bisexual & had a Thing with Luthien. Big strap energy.

2: otp

Galadriel/Celeborn. He's Wife Guy and I love them together.

3: brotp

Glorfindel! Shared experiences with the grinding ice and first age in general. I think there's a real sense of easy familiarity and fondness between the two of them, and I headcannon that she uses Laurefindele in reference to him and he uses Artanis in reference to her. They swap war stories about Turgon together :)

4: notp

Haladriel. I keep seeing fics with Celebrian as a Haladriel baby and I want to kms. I am horrified. I am disgusted. I commit my life to my lord and savior jesus christ--

I just hate it so much. Not least of all for the Celeborn erasure but mostly for how it cheapens both characters and has some problematic implications for how we treat women in fiction. I hate hate hate the whole "she has the potential to save him from himself/bring him back from the brink of insanity/hold him in check" die die die stop romanticising relationships in which one party is responsible for the actions of another especially ESPECIALLY women with men. Women are not here to "civilize" men. And just in general please give Mairon more credit than that. No. He is not refraining from certain actions because he wants that pussy. He is refraining from certain actions because he has long term plans and is capable of strategic thought. No, he is not offering for Galadriel to be "his queen" in a romantic sense. He is manipulating her just like Morgoth manipulated Feanor by playing to that disastrous genetic Noldorin arrogance. Also she's clearly grieving her husband and in no way in a position to have a relationship with anyone, least of all a corrupt maia. I know there's like... let people ship what they want and relationships don't all have to be healthy and unproblematic or whatever but I just take a LOT of issues with the way Haladriel is romanticised. And just...with it. In general. As a ship. It's bad & i hate it. UGHHHH I could go on about this for ages I am so sorry. There are very few ships that I hate more than fucking Haladriel.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

She collects butterflies. It's her special interest! She has a whole butterfly garden in Lorien & popular gifts from Celeborn include rare sourced caterpillars to add to her garden for her to bond with and study.

6: favorite line from this character

And you, Ring-bearer,’ she said, turning to Frodo. ‘I come to you last who are not last in my thoughts. For you I have prepared this.’ She held up a small crystal phial: it glittered as she moved it, and rays of white light sprang from her hand. ‘In this phial,’ she said, ‘is caught the light of Eärendil’s star, set amid the waters of my fountain. It will shine still brighter when night is about you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

7: one way in which I relate to this character

I think I really do have something of that pitfall of ambition & wanting to be someone and do things -- which is not in of itself a bad thing but it can become unhealthy and detrimental, which I think is part of why Galadriel's arc of desiring power and a kingdom, sailing to Middle Earth, but then kind of settling into a more background role of preservation & guidance and ultimately choosing to resist that core temptation the Ring offers her and sailing back home to simply be Galadriel is very meaningful to me.

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

She has boomer energy in my head. Can't really elaborate on any specifics but every time she shows up in longfics that take place in the third age she has moments that feel like trying to watch my parents use a cellphone.

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Half cinnamon roll half problematic fave imo.

[bearlyloved]

18+  .Indie    .    Mutuals    Only.   FANDOMLESS OC, MAMABEAR,  by  S𝔞v𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔯    .    Established    1st    of    December   2021

Highly    Selective    &   sometimes   very intense themes      .    Crossover    &    OC    friendly

 main original verses & verses  include;  ORIGINAL MAIN VERSES , AU VERSES & CROSSOVER VERSES & HUMAN VERSES

EXPLORING: aerial arts/circus, vintage dolls & the 1950s

OTHER BLOGS INCLUDE: @funbonded & @moralpuppet

CARRD . PROMO .

dash bio/dash rules undercut for more please see my carrd

tw: terminal illness & child death 

˗ˏˋ ♡ dash bio Mamabear was created by Arthur Velvetine, a middle aged man who was desperate to give his dying daughter, Sarah Velvetine, the female role model she never had growing up. Everyday Sarah's terminal condition slowly got worse and her father made it his mission to fill her last years with love and happiness. After years poor Sarah didn't make it, leaving Mamabear's creator distraught and unable to look at his creation. She was then passed from household to household until the RUSHTOWN CIRCUS  found her. There she would learn to be a professional trapeze artist. Mamabear has always been romantacized by those she comes across, she has never truly felt love. She was only ever useful to others. She still seeks to find herself and be treated just as others are. Still craves to be seen as something other than an object. Even though she adores being a trapeze/aerial artist, the celebrity side of things has only amplified the objectification of her being. She longs that one day people will see beneath the faux fur and stuffing.

˗ˏˋ ♡ dash rules ♡ One. FIRST AND FOREMOST. General rp etiquette applies. / I am not my OC. Likewise I do not condone or romanticise any of the darker themes explored on this blog.  Two. DNI / I don't engage with people who are problematic or present problematic behaviour such as proshipping/pedophilia/ or you are a terf/ableist/racist or you show any kind of hate to anyone like that . If you see me interacting with someone problematic likely I haven't been informed yet and shall deal with it accordingly as soon as I am informed. I don't support anyone who does any of that nasty behavior and I never will and if you know you engage in such behaviors then please refrain from interacting with me. You're not welcome. Likewise don't bring drama onto my blog. If you see someone problematic here just message me privately. I won't be reblogging callouts. Three.  FOLLOWING. I'm selective. If I haven't followed back please don't take it personally. If we are mutuals and you decide to unfollow then soft block please otherwise I will see you on my Dash and still think we are mutuals and I don't really want to have to browse a list of followers to check every time I go to interact. Four. DON'T STEAL MY OC OR MY GRAPHICS. Some art used on the blog is my own others have been so lovingly created by chainsxwsmile, ryuniiis, candyeco and machopie Five.  TRIGGERS Warnings for you: This blog can be very gorey I also require you to be 18+ for this reason. Please do not follow if you're a minor. death, abuse, terminal illness Six. SHIPPING only romantically with muses who are also anthros/dolls/toys. Mamabear is also a lesbian please respect this.

[skrimply]

need to find a way to start romanticising and adoring and appreciating my 20s and adulthood bc i think at the moment im kind of mourning my weird fucking high school experience and lack of like. Normal Teen experiences and stuff. like it really did fuck me up to move somewhere so different my freshmen year and go somewhere i hated and it took me until senior year to make actual close friends and i got bullied and outcast and misunderstood and it all fucked with my mental health in a way that i couldn't understand or get other people to understand. and i was lucky enough to fall into a loving relationship so i did have companionship but it was long distance and that just created more, like, pain for me so i still felt lonely and isolated most of the time. and i didn't get a lot of chances to be a stupid teen and hang out with a big group of friends because i didn't Have any and some of the friends i did have didn't really like me much and kinda just used me. and i wish i had gotten to do fun things and go places with said group but i lived in the middle of nowhere and couldn't drive. my summers ans breaks with my bf were always lovely but always had to end with separating again and that heartbreak and i just spent so much of my teen years being depressed in my room. and that really sucked. so im trying to figure out how to be myself and find what makes me happy in my 20s because i do know that high school is NOT the best years of your life and its not supposed to be and aging is beautiful and exciting. and i have friends in college who love me and i am getting to do things i love and wish i could have done earlier. i have so so much life left to have fun and be happy and discover myself over and over again. AAAHAHAHKAHSJ

[nadzhosny2]

The Rantings of an Old Soul

Does anyone else feel as if they were born in the wrong era? I do. Constantly. My ways of viewing aspects of life are so categorically different from how society views them, that I feel as if I've been plucked from the past and slammed into the present with no recollection of how I got here. So being the nerd that I am, I decided to do some research into this and see if there is any coherent explanation for it.

Thankfully there was. The term for this feeling is ‘historical nostalgia or vicarious nostalgia’.

Whatever else you can change about your life, one thing you can’t do anything about is the time. If you don’t like where you live, you can move — if you don’t like when you live, well, tough shit.

Complaints about being born in the wrong era come up a lot online, often in the context of decrying modern culture and yearning for bygone days. Whether it’s memes about being misunderstood, lambasting other “kids of today” spending all their time on their phones or endless YouTube comments on Nirvana and Queen videos written by teenagers complaining that music today is bullshit, it’s a common yearning. Also if you don’t know who those two bands are, I am SERIOUSLY judging your music taste and you need to update your playlists IMMEDIATELY.

It should go without saying that almost any one of us, transported back even a few decades, would find the past to be unimaginably awful. Living in the Swinging Sixties or the Roaring Twenties probably sounds awesome — hello flappers and tie-dye shirts! — but it mostly just means foregoing the benefits of a huge amount of life-improving technological and medical breakthroughs as well as civil and women’s rights. You don’t have to go back that far for things to become utterly dire: Life expectancy among the middle classes in Victorian Britain (i.e., the 19th century) was just 45!

The sad thing about this though is that versions of a time period we didn’t live through are often idealised or romanticised, images of a simpler time, before tech dominated our lives, seem to show that people were happier then. Such periods are usually shown in film or other art forms in biased versions by avoiding the unpleasant, even painful, aspects.

But syphilis, tooth decay and dead-before-middle-age thing from the flu aren’t what people fantasise about, of course: It’s the dream of experiencing cultural milestones firsthand, even though the reality is that most people only become aware of the cultural significance of a moment many years later — just try asking the average Italian peasant how enlightened they felt while the Renaissance was actually happening. While Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo were busy creating their masterpieces of art, they wouldn’t come to prominence or even be unveiled until several years later. Also if you thought these people were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you need to be hit on the head. With a chair. Shame on you.

Putting all of this aside though, there are some things that used to be so powerful in the past that have utterly lost meaning in today’s world: language, art, music, love, marriage, MANNERS.

As a massive lover of Shakespeare and Homer (no, not Homer Simpson, because sadly that’s the first thing that will pop into people’s minds *HUGE eyeroll*), I developed a love for the older English language; a language that wasn’t spoiled by slang or oversimplified ways of speaking, that spoke in ways that resonated with your soul, using words that perfectly described a situation or a feeling. The language people use now is mostly sullied with cuss words or smut.

The language used to be dignified and elegant, Shakespeare’s sonnets are the prime example of this. The language flows beautifully and while it is drastically different from the way we speak today, the meaning behind the words is powerful. People just don’t talk this way anymore and it's a true loss. With all the trends and challenges that are flying around these days, is it too much to ask to have an Old English trend? Sigh.

Instrumental and classical music is something else that is missing from today’s world that used to be revered in the past. The works of Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, and Chopin have been forgotten and shoved aside in vinyl records somewhere, collecting dust in favour of Ariana, Beyonce, Drake and Post Malone. I remember the first time I ever heard a piece of classical music; I was 13 years old and was visiting a friend at her house, her father had an enormous collection of vinyl records that he had been gathering for 30 years, which he kept in pristine condition in a shelf mounted on the living room wall. His record player, a large, old-fashioned brass gramophone (the man was committed) was in the corner of the room and the most exquisite violin music was playing. I remember just sitting down, right there in the middle of the room, facing the gramophone and listening as the music washed over me, giving me goosebumps as it vibrated through my body. I sat there, not moving a muscle, until the song ended and then dashed to the gramophone to pick up the record sleeve next to it to see which song it was. That was the first time I had ever heard ‘Concerto in Two Violins’ by Bach.

After that day I was hooked, I went down the rabbit hole and started listening to all the classical composers I could find. Fortunately for me, YouTube had an abundance of videos of orchestras from all over the world that were playing the music. As I grew older I found Yanni, a Greek/American composer and pianist who was bringing instrumental music back to the modern world with his concerts all over the globe. His song ‘Nostalgia’ has such a haunting rhythm which is just breathtaking that I always listen to it with my eyes closed.

Just recently I found a duo called 2CELLOS who were doing instrumental versions of modern songs. The blending of the past and the present was so perfect that it was hard to believe and brought me such incomprehensible amounts of joy. Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not decrying today’s music, I'm an avid listener of all genres but there is just a magnificent beauty in the classics and the way it reverberates through the soul that is unmatched.

Finally, the aspect of life that has been butchered the most by modern society is love. “I love you” is a phrase many people tend to throw out into the world, without realising its full impact and repercussions associated with it. The society we live in today loves love, just for the sole idea of it. We lust for the idea of being head over heels in love, so maybe that is why it seems to slip through our tongues so easily. Media exploits love in the sense that it is used as a patch-up for when the going gets tough, used as a way to have someone finally commit fully to you, and has begun to underlie lies and most shamefully, it gets someone into bed. Maybe this is just my perception, but it seems to me that emotions are muted, and are shown through materialistic things rather than our faces. We would rather buy someone a bear over writing love letters or poems.

A love letter was the main way men and women expressed their romantic feelings for each other back in the 19th century. To put all their emotions down on paper, pouring their hearts out so that the others would understand how deeply they felt about them. Something to be cherished and reread over and over until it's dog-eared and ragged. A physical reminder of the love the other had for them.

What happened to courtship? To developing a deep bond to ensure the relationship has a clearly defined direction and it’s going just the right way. When prioritising the mental connection over anything else by getting to know each other, thereby capitalising on emotions was the main reason people got together. How all of this has been twisted in today’s world.

Today’s world is infinitely better in significant ways than it was in the past, there can be no doubt about that. It just needs to remember. These are perils of being an old soul stuck in a modern time that baffles her.

[luckynumbersevenseven]

Last night i was writing a poem on the 580 east coming back from point reyes. Driving fast to give off an air of confidence. And not an air of “i am actually writing a sort of sad really sad poem behind the wheel of a car going at least 20 mph over the speed limit on the freeway at night”. Its not like i havent learned enough lessons. I know the risks. I have been in car accidents, like more by the age of 24 than most people have in their entire life. And still i am risking my life to write a poem. Is that poetic?ughhhh Maybe but also corny and just self destructive. I have stopped romanticising self distruction mostly. I take care of myself now and find reality quite enough to keep me…entertained? Occupied? Satisfied???? I enjoy making my bed every day. I am disgusted by the vacancy in the darkness that once seemed to promise so much to me.

I think about cars a lot. The potential and power they hold. These big metal dogs. And we can hold their leash for a time and pretend we have control. All day! Every day! As a means to an end! We do this forgetting that the dog isnt really a dog but is a machine and was not programmed for empathy. Because you cant program empathy. Machines areimpartial. Like the ocean or a forrest fire in some ways. Undiscerning. Unforgiving. A carless power…but there is no beauty in cars the way there is in the careless power of nature. Because the earth cares in a very differnt way. It does care. And because behind the invention or creation of the bloodless metal car beast is someone who did care and that is where it starts to unravel.

Whatever.

I find i do my best thinking while driving. I cant stop my mind from making poems. And then there is the desperation to not forget! The words that first fit that feeling! Is it worth dying over? The answer is sooooo obvious when i am judging from here in my bed. What the fuck.

I met two 5 day old goats last night. Behind a tarp in a hutch on a property in santa rosa. I was there to see the art of someone i met once and there was a cheesboard and everyone was middle aged and there were no lights by which to see anyones faces. The tiny goats seemed a cold and were shockingly passive to my touch. It was unsettling that something so young and new and small should trust me. I might have bad intentions. I dont even know my own intentions half the time. I have the power to kiss them or to kill them. The capacity or potential or whatever. Like a coiled spring, like how sometimes you think about saying the worst possible thing but you dont. But you could! But it seemed like maybe it wasnt about trust for the little goats? Like they just dont even know enough to trust or distrust. Like they didnt care. Their hair was soft and white still softer than grown goats but maybe not as soft as a lambs. And they were vaguely oily the way any farm animal is. But not smelly. And they did not shy from my touch. Nor did they really seem to welcome it. I dont think either one would have put up a fight if i had picked it up and left with it under my arm. I think it might have gladly slept in my warm bed with me. Impartial. Undiscerning.

When I saw the goats I played out some sort of fairy tale trade in my head. I lost my baby…so i earned this baby. ? Or something? But i forfeited? my baby. I do not get to take another one. A goat baby to replace the baby i know i could not have. Because because i am not ready? I would not love it the way i want to? The way a mother should? The way it would want? It? My baby. My baby.

Oh what do i know…i am living within a hypothetical. Not that the choice wasnt obvious. But the what ifs are soooo tempting.

The things that i wrote in the notes app on my phone while i was driving last night were mostly about the relief in giving up hope. Hope is so exhausting. My friend told me that they read somewhere that hope is similar to fear in its detriment to the mind and body. And i can attest. Like…the way you let out your breath when a door finally closes. Or when you try on something and it doesnt fit. The decision was made for you. Shows over. The relief in saying goodbye and meaning it.

I was thinking about how there is tissue/matter coming out of me following the abortion. It is somehow more clinical than blood. Less romantic. Grosser. I was thinking about how i had the weird urge to eat it. Maybe because in some way it wouldnt feel like a loss. Like in this way im capable of holding on or something. But whatever that metaphor doesnt even work cause id have to shit one day. But also the urge didnt feel metaphorical…just sudden and disgusting.

In my notes I wrote:

I hold onto the rag i used to clean up the spill of you

I live with it under my pillow

Weeping over whats unsung

Or what is sung and never heard because that is sadder

Repeating the lyrics under my breath

So i wont forget

And i got home and i did forget entirely until I read my note. I forgot all about how i would never sing a song to this particular baby. Or maybe any baby of my own. And how that made me want to break for a moment. A moment. Because longer than a moment might be self indulgent. And i am not broken. I just want to be able to break. For a moment. Like i am asking permission. A moment? Is it ok if i just break? I swear just for a moment i will be broken? And then i promise to put myself back together again just like before as quick as i can as good as i can. I promise. But there was nobody there to ask for permission. So i didnt.

The nurse (the one that wasnt my hinge match) asked if i wanted to know if it was twins.

I whispered “i want a hug” to the dark house. And then i cried for the person who said something so sad.

Like a child.

I am doing better though! I make my bed. I make my bed and and i think i am mostly doing better.

I hold myself up to an old picture for size. I use new language to describe my pain. Or whatever. And share the blame. I take the pill. I forgo the rest. I dont even have sex anymore.

Yea yea but here i am. And the blood-dimmed tide is loosed and everywhere.

I didnt write it all down though. In my head i was turning over a line about waking up in the night and confusing the crescent of the face on the pillow next to me –– momentarily illuminated by the passing light from a car––for the moon

Thinking a lot about the moon. About confusing things for the moon. Man made things or earthly things for that big glowing moon. I dont have a good word for the power of the moon though. It is again an undiscerning sort. Is that power? Freedom from the sway of emotion? Freedom FROM choice? Freedom TO choose is one kind of power but its a human kind of power and it only gets you …to like a certain level of power…And dont get me wrong I am not trying to say that a prisoner is more free than the man that takes the train past the prison….

On my drive I was listening to fulsom prison blues (obviously) and also fast car. And those songs are about chosing. And disappointment. And consequence. The consequences of being human and having choices and how lonely and how insatiable. And freedom also. (A beautiless and boring oversimplification of these bangers)And i was thinking about how free I feel driving a car with a full tank on the open road at night with the windows down and the music up (and i am alone and choose the soundtrack without fear of judgement…) and a cigarette and even if that is some synthetic version or trope of freedom it still feels good when it hits the blood stream and ill take that over nothing.

Because i am girl and not a god or the moon.

[homo-sex-shoe-whale]

Online shipping, the fetishisation of gay men, and the romanticisation of queer trauma

An essay by me!

Word count: 2.8k

A link to the Google Doc version of this essay.

A big thank you to my friends Nathan @themeerkatnate, Mav @not-mavv , and Duke @dukedark-ness for reading this essay and giving me their thoughts as mlms on the topic. Make sure to check out their blogs and give them a follow!

So I was on a lovely website by the name of Twitter.com yesterday, just scrolling through while having my afternoon cup of coffee, when I saw that viral post of a girl reading a Larry fanfic through a classroom projector. I'm sure most of you have seen it. It's gone viral on Instagram, TikTok, and likely Tumblr too, and if you haven't come across it I'm positive you will soon.

Now, after getting through my initial reaction to that post which was, holy fuck, that's so embarrassing, I had a second reaction of... wait, this ship is still around?

And after I had some thoughts on the incredible permanence of some online ships and the weird obsolescence of others, I did get to thinking of how lots of these popular ships seem to stem from the same types of perceived relationship dynamics and homophobic stereotypes.

These online fandoms often seem to have an obsession with objects of queer trauma, such as having to hide a relationship, lying about sexuality for self-preservation, and even social rejection. So, after some opinions from my followers and the great archive that is the internet, I've decided to discuss some of the most popular examples of online shipping and the particular nuances they came with.

NOTE: Out of respect for all these people, I won't be sharing viral images or videos of them in perceived romantic proximity (or even kissing, as is applicable for some examples), but I will be describing certain moments I deem to be relevant. So even if you're unfamiliar with them, you won't be confused as to what I'm talking about.

NOTE 2: Although not all people within these fandoms were/are toxic, this essay is focused on the overall toxicity of the fandoms, and how they are toxic more so as a "hive" than as a group of individuals. When I refer to a fandom I don't mean every person involved in the fandom, but rather the collective impact of the group.

 1. Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson 

This is arguably the most popular example of online shipping. The absolute permanence of this ship, and how its fandom never seems to fully die off even beyond the lifespan of One Direction as it once stood, is downright impressive.  

I'm going to be the first to admit I was never in the loop with this fandom. My childhood best friend was actually a massive Larry shipper and asked me to beta read one of her fics, but that was before I even knew who tf Harry and Louis were! Not because I avoided the fandom or even because I rejected the online shipping, but just by coincidence, I delved into the world of pop punk music right when One Direction began gaining its popularity. I bought my first ever album, Riot by Paramore, in 2011- only a year after One Direction made their X-Factor debut. So, this fandom just bypassed me by a sort of weird coincidence.

But I don't need to be in the loop with this fandom to know the astronomical obsession with these two men, no, these two BOYS, was extremely toxic. In 2010, when One Direction made their debut, Harry Styles was only 16 years old. And Louis Tomlinson wasn't much older at 19! This made the two of them incredibly young when this unprecedented wave of shipping hit the internet, and although that must be traumatising for anyone, I cannot even fathom how overwhelming it must've been for two boys that young.  

I'm 18, almost 19 now, and I cannot begin to imagine how scary it was for the two of them to have their every interaction nitpicked within an inch of its life by thousands upon thousands of people online. I do not know this myself, but from numerous recounts by some of my followers, this massively impacted Harry's and Louis' nondescript relationship in real life, seemingly driving the two previously close friends apart. 

Now, before we move on, there's something we need to talk about. And that is the obsession with the dominance/submission dynamic within the world of gay shipping. 

With almost every popular mlm (an acronym meaning man-loving-man) ship based on real people, it seems that fandoms have a particular fascination with power imbalances in these relationships. You don't even need to look at the insane amount of fanfictions based on BDSM to figure this out. In almost all of the examples I'll be citing today, there is an age gap within the perceived relationship and a person the fandom has seemingly decided to be the top/dominant figure. 

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are 3 years apart in age. Although it isn't all that relevant now, an age gap of 3 years when you're in your late teens is a lot more significant. In 2012, for example, when this shipping really started gaining traction, Harry Styles was 18 and Louis Tomlinson was 21. That power imbalance, albeit not that significant, is enough for a fandom to latch on to. We'll see this a lot more in the coming example with Dan and Phil.

 2. Dan Howell and Phil Lester

It's impossible to have a discussion about internet shipping without talking about Dan and Phil.

 Dan Howell and Phil Lester, although being popular YouTubers individually, are arguably one of the internet's most iconic duos. The two creators published their first videos together in 2009, and while their relationship was already a motive of speculation back then, the peak of the "Phan" shipping definitely came in the 2013-2016 era of Tumblr.

Now, I'm going to admit… I was actually on Tumblr when that happened. 

The 2013-2016 period perfectly aligns with my middle school days (I started middle school in 2013 and high school in 2016), and I was not only on Tumblr back then, but I was on Wattpad too! Again, this wasn't a fandom I had much contact with as I had a huge anime phase in middle school and I was on Tumblr posting mainly photography and Soul Eater content more than anything. 

But I did watch some of Dan and Phil's videos! And the occasional "Phan" content did not completely evade me as one of my closest friends in middle school had a fanchat for them. I wasn't involved in the fandom myself but they were actually one of the few English-speaking YouTubers I watched once in a blue moon (back then I watched mainly Brazilian YouTubers). One thing I did in fact notice over the years, around 2014ish perhaps, was that the two of them seemed to grow increasingly "awkward" around each other, in a way that many folks on the internet thought was reminiscent to Markiplier/Jacksepticeye, two YouTubers who also dealt with extraordinary amounts of shipping.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. The change in Dan and Phil's relationship, at least to the outside world, was clear to almost anyone who watched their videos for a while. I cannot blame them at all. The shipping was nuts. Between the countless fan videos, speculative comments, and insurmountable number of fanfics, there's no way the two of them didn't feel the weight of the shipping. The term "demon phannie" made its way into internet vernacular and there it stayed for years. Even Shane Dawson, who was one of the largest creators on the platform at the time, made several videos speculating on the nature of Dan and Phil's relationship and their sexual orientations. 

There was even porn made in which actors with similar appearances to the creators were made to have sex on camera. 

Now, this is actually a rare example where the two people involved in the ship actually came out as gay once the shipping seemed to die down. I'm incredibly happy Dan and Phil both reached a point where they were comfortable being publicly out, but I hate to say I'm shocked this day ever came. If I'd gone through what the two of them did, I don't know if I'd ever trust the internet. 

And again, this ship's fandom definitely had an obsession with the power dynamics they thought existed between the people within the ship. Dan Howell is 4 years younger than Phil Lester, and was only 18 in 2009, when they started making videos together. From my personal understanding, the shipping was often quite focused on this dominant/submissive dynamic especially in discussions from their early relationship. And this is in no way exclusive to Dan and Phil.

This general fascination with the older man/younger man dynamic, in my opinion, plays into the homophobic stereotype that gay men are predators. The idea that gay men usually seek younger men, and somehow "convince" them to engage in homosexual relationships, is popular homophobic rhetoric. The popularisation, exaggeration, and fetishisation of these power imbalances, in age and/or in relationship dynamics, is directly harmful to the mlm community. 

Not only that, but the romanticisation of a "hidden/forbidden relationship" is also detrimental not only to gay men and the mlm community, but to queer people as a whole. Queer people face huge trauma having to hide their relationships; queer attraction is already a societal taboo. And acting like this is good, or even desirable, is harmful to queer people as a whole, regardless of whether or not it's actually applicable to the people being shipped. It normalises this trauma not only to cisgender, heterosexual people, but to impressionable queer youth who grow to believe this type of trauma is to be expected. 

3. Frank Iero and Gerard Way

This is another example where the perceived power imbalances between the two subjects of the shipping were directly exploited online. Now, this ship did precede the others mentioned above. If we're looking at this topic chronologically, this particular ship did come first in the shipping timeline. It's closer to the origin of the shipping extended universe, if you will.

In case you aren't familiar with them, Frank Iero and Gerard Way are both members of the American emo band My Chemical Romance. This ship is the first one here of which I don't recall the full popularity. It really peaked in popularity around the late 2000s, circa 2008. And I don't remember this moment online as in 2008, I was only 6 years old and believe it or not, I wasn't really all that concerned with rumoured homoeroticism as a first grader. 

However, the popularity of this ship did carry over into the 2013-2015 Tumblr shipping boom. The emo fandom (or "bandom" as it was called) involving not only My Chemical Romance but other similar bands such as Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, and Pierce the Veil, found its hub on Tumblr. 

During this time, I did in fact listen to this style of music, but was focused a lot more on the anime side of Tumblr as mentioned earlier. Of course, I wasn't 13 years old like, "hey, this type of content might be harmful and can inadvertently perpetuate homophobic stereotypes," I just happened to care more about my silly little anime and ended up not getting involved. 

This ship does involve a discussion that the others don't, however. With Frank Iero and Gerard Way, there is quite often a certain sentiment of, "Oh, they brought this upon themselves!" as the two band members very famously kissed during a show in 2007. In my opinion, though, this doesn't really justify all the obsessive shipping. If you look at Green Day, a band often grouped in with MCR as another famous pop punk group, the members don't follow too different of a trajectory. Billie Joe Armstrong has, on numerous occasions, kissed both of his fellow band members onstage- particularly Tré Cool, the drummer. And Billie Joe Armstrong is openly bisexual, which none of the members of MCR seem to be but some, or even all of Billie's bandmates, are too. 

You'd think Green Day would face a lot more shipping as the more persistent onstage homoeroticism and Billie Joe's openness about his sexuality would warrant more "substantiated" speculation. However, Green Day faces nowhere near as much shipping as My Chemical Romance. Why is this? I actually don't know. It might've been because Green Day has been around for over a decade longer and generally has an older fandom, but I really am not that sure. 

 It could also be because of the lower lack of potential for forced relationship dynamics. The members of Green Day are all less than a year apart in age and are even similar in height. However, Frank Iero is 4 years younger than Gerard Way, who is not only the frontman of My Chemical Romance, but also considered to be the group's intellectual and creative "leader". Even beyond that, Gerard Way is quite visibly taller, and the perceived power difference between the two of them definitely did not elude their fans. 

This difference could even be partly due to the lack of a "mystery" with Green Day. There's not as much to speculate as, well… the members of Green Day are already open about their sexual orientations. It might be that shipping in the Green Day fandom has less of a forbidden appeal for most people. 

Of course, I won't just keep repeating myself, but my previous points about forced relationship dynamics still stand.

4. Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch

Better known for their roles in BBC Sherlock as Sherlock and Watson, Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch unfortunately had their roles follow them well into real life. This is the example I know least about, so have these thoughts from a follower by the name of @indubitably-a-goblin, who had the following to say:

"the main issues i had with it were:

a) they were both married at the time, freeman to amanda abbington and cumberbatch to sophie hunter (in which both had children)

b) the main reasoning for it was their chemistry in the many projects they've done together. which is, shockingly, their Whole Job. They're actors! That's what they're supposed to do! if they weren't good at interacting then they wouldn't be good actors! i don't know how people can't understand this.

c) they're real people. we don't know them. we aren't friends with them. we aren't their family members. we have zero right to be pushing this onto them and ruining their friendship by doing so. (this one relates to most of the ships you've mentioned though)

d) healthy friendships between two men are ignored so plainly in most medias and in fandom. its obvious that these two men have a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic one.

e) its fine to ship their characters, but actors shouldn't be treated as less-than-human or some sort of prop. they're doing a job, and once they are off-screen, they aren't here for your entertainment."

I believe she did a great job of summing it up on her own, and for the sake of avoiding redundancy, I'll leave it at that!

5. Corpse Husband and Sykkuno- an emerging yet subtle example

I am absolutely positive you remember how popular the game Among Us was a couple of months ago. And with the popularity of this game, some of its most prominent content creators became the targets of online shipping- as is the case with YouTubers and streamers Corpse Husband and Sykkuno. 

Although the shipping involving these two creators is nowhere near as strong as it was/is with the examples above, I do think there is once again a reemergence of a common theme here. Whilst Sykkuno is known for his happy-go-lucky, almost "innocent" persona, Corpse Husband is the antithesis of this, known for his much darker and moodier personality. 

Do I even have to mention what the common theme seems to be?

Again, although the popularity of shipping - at least with real people - seems to have died down a bit since the Tumblr shipping boom of the early to mid 2010s, I do believe this example is worth mentioning. Even though the creators are still close, they have in fact expressed discomfort regarding the shipping, and I can only hope the internet as a whole lets their friendship blossom and exist naturally without obsessive speculation. 

My final thoughts

As explored in the essay:

The romanticisation of objects of queer trauma as a part of online shipping normalises queer trauma to both cishet and queer youth. 

Online shipping, especially at a high intensity, can end up negatively impacting the very relationships they pine over. 

The relationship dynamics often forced on mlm ships perpetuate homophobic stereotypes about non-heterosexual men. 

If anyone else has thoughts on this matter, do share! This essay is moreso an opinionated observational piece and isn't meant to be taken as fact but rather just as my thoughts on the matter. I hope it was useful as a reflective piece regardless!

Date of posting: June 16th 2021

[faustandfurious]

different anon (i think the first is a coward) what is a list of norwegian lit that you recommend?

Hi, different anon here. Genuinely interested in what Norwegian literary works you recommend

So glad you guys asked! Disclaimer that I have no idea which of these have been translated into English, and I'm only mentioning the works I've actually read and enjoyed. The bolded titles are good places to start if you're completely new to Norwegian literature

1700s

Ludvig Holberg: Erasmus Montanus - comedy about the student Rasmus Berg who goes to the city to study philosophy, latinises his name, returns home and clashes with the flat-earthers of his hometown. It's really funny, trust me

Ludvig Holberg: Jeppe paa Bierget - comedy in the same style as Erasmus Montanus, about a peasant and drunkard who's pranked by the local Baron into thinking he's a nobleman

Ludvig Holberg: Niels Klims reise til den underjordiske verden - considered the first Nordic sci-fi novel, originally published in Latin so it could reach a larger audience

Some sources will claim Holberg as a Danish author because of Norway's political status at the time and because he wrote in Danish, but he was born and raised in Bergen and the language he wrote in is not that different from modern Norwegian. However, this highlights the lack of an independent Norwegian cultural identity pre-19th century.

1800s and early 1900s

Henrik Wergeland: Skabelsen, Mennesket og Messias - think Dante and Milton, but Norwegian Romanticism. Wergeland is the Romantic poet in Norway; though there were others, like Johann Sebastian Welhaven who is mainly remembered for being Wergeland's rival and for having a romantic relationship with Wergeland's sister, Camilla Collett

Camilla Collett: Amtmandens Døtre - about the choice between marrying for love and marrying for emotional and financial stability. Read if you like any of the Brontë sisters

Henrik Ibsen: Well, basically everything by him, but my personal favourites are Brand and An Enemy of the People

Alexander Kielland: Garman & Worse - sharp criticism of everything wrong with society at the time. Read if you enjoyed Les Miserables and Victor Hugo in general

Knut Hamsun: Victoria - this is a very good place to start with Hamsun and with Norwegian lit in general, because the story is short and accessible even to the reader who knows very little about Norwegian culture

Knut Hamsun: Hunger - read this one if you like Dostoevsky

Knut Hamsun: The Growth of the Soil - honestly I'm not sure I'd recommend this unless you really really like Hamsun. It's a rejection of modernity and an idealisation of the hard-working farmer carving out a life for himself and his family, but in a way that does very little to romanticise the sometimes brutal reality of rural life. I enjoyed the silent, introspective writing style, but YMMV

Sigrid Undset: Kristin Lavransdatter - historical fiction trilogy about a woman living in the 14th century and her struggles with love, life and religion. Undset has also written many other great novels, but Kristin Lavransdatter is her most famous one

Contemporary stuff

Jostein Gaarder: Sofie's World - honestly the best intro to Western philosophy you could wish for, but it's also a very good novel

Jostein Gaarder: The Orange Girl - note that the original title specifically refers to the fruit and not the colour. Just read it, it's beautiful

Ruben Eliassen: The Phenomena series. Middle grade, Tolkien-inspired fantasy about elves with ADHD. Unfortunately it never got an English translation as far as I know

Kjell Askildsen's short stories

Lars Saabye Christensen: Beatles and The Half-Brother - both about growing up in Oslo in the 1960s, the former being a more light-hearted coming-of-age novel and the latter being a bit darker in its themes

Other than that, there's a lot of Norwegian poetry I really love, but it's difficult to recommend since it's not available in translation and so much of the beauty would be lost in the translation process anyway

[sailordiavolo]

Sparda Headcanons

nobody asked, but i’ve had many thoughts about Sparda lately, and i need to get them out before i go mentally insane

[ mostly general headcanons about Sparda himself, with some including his relationship with eva and the twins. ]

sparda started out like trish; a full demon who learned compassion, love and empathy, despite those traits not occurring naturally to demon kind.

when he did experience these emotions for the first time, it completely blew him away and fundamentally changed him. he became horrified by things such as the qliphoth tree, which eventually motivated his rebellion.

sparda, similar to mundus, could spiritually inhabit statues that were made in his likeness. there was one placed in fortuna, the purpose of which was originally to watch the hell gate for potential activity

though he would quickly dispatch of demons that tore into the human world, he wouldn’t meddle with human politics or affairs.

unlike vergil, sparda’s hair (in his human form) naturally grew out of his head in that slicked-back manner because that was how his horns grew (curled backwards). his hair even curved out and around like his horns did if he let it grow long enough

he had a romanticised view of humanity. he loved humanity like a neurodivergent person loves their hyperfixation

sparda spent most of his time in the human world in his demon form. he would occasionally take a human form when he wished to experience certain human things firsthand, or if he wanted to blend in, but he did this sparingly

while sparda was alive and at his strongest, there were a lot less demons trying to break into the human world, so the dark knight was often left with long periods of time to himself.

though he had learned empathy and compassion, sparda did not form close, loving bonds with humans for many centuries. thus the dark knight did not really have a concept of loneliness. he read about it, but didn’t really understand.

sparda was very reluctant to let people into his inner world, especially humans, who lived their entire lives and died before he could so much as draw a breath. there had been attempts to mingle with humans, but he stuck out like a sore thumb, or would outright scare people if he was in his demon form.

in his spare time, sparda liked to travel the world and visit various places, observing people, cultures, languages, arts and customs.

several different cultures have legends that somewhat fit the description of the legendary dark knight, but at present, nobody knows how accurate these legends are, and many of these legends do not mention him by name. they tell of his bravery and heroism.

sparda, like vergil, loved poetry and the artistic pursuits that humans created. (after all, swordsmanship is an art, too.) he admired the beauty of human art, especially the ways they used it to express emotions or tell stories

sparda liked to collect weapons and armor, even ones of human creation because they fascinated him. contrary to popular belief, sparda had been wielding guns since they were first invented, although for several hundred years they weren’t any match for most demons.

sparda’s mansion was like his den. it was filled with human literature, a lot of ancient texts in ancient languages; including various works of art, textiles, collections of weapons (including Luce & Ombra) and various items he’d been given as acts of worship. The doors and ceilings were very high because of how tall Sparda was in his demon form.

he had a colllection of human trinkets, various things he’d find that he thought were interesting, but didn’t really know what they were for. random mundane items, like an egg beater, hot water bottle, electric appliances that he doesn’t know how to turn on, spinning tops, and the like. he’d sort of just guess what they were for and put them up in places.

in his human form, he liked to dress in ways that imitated his favorite characters in books.

sparda had wished to know love like what he read about, like in the stories humans love to tell, which just seemed to be intrinsic to their nature. he could sort of understand shakespearean tragedies with his own understanding of love and compassion, yet for many centuries he still found the true meaning of such love to remain elusive to him.

eva was as curious about him as he was about her and humans in general. he would ask her questions about humans (initially, he had a lot of misconceptions about humans) and she would ask questions about him. when he was more comfortable around her, he showed her his human trinkets collection and asked her to explain what they were for. (he did not think that the egg beater was for mixing eggs).

he was bad at socialising and often spoke in a way that sounded ancient and out-of-place, sometimes mixing middle english with modern english, but he improved after meeting eva, since he had more practice after that.

after finding out sparda liked things such as poetry and literature, eva would bring him other human things to try; films, music, food and the like. just as vergil got his love of literature from his parents, dante got his love of music, dance and film from his parents, too. (sparda a fan of old western films? more likely than you’d think)

like dante and vergil, sparda was prone to aging in his human form. that’s why you see the version of him in dmc1 (pretty young-looking) and the older version of him as seen in the family portrait. ( see below )

therefore, it was a HUGE decision to marry eva and stay with her. it meant staying in human form, which meant aging, which meant shortening his own lifespan. although it was a big decision to make the commitment to marry eva, when the time came, he made the decision instantly.

he could’ve lived thousands of years longer had he left her alone, or had he resolved to watching her wither away and die from old age, but that was a very lonely existence, and once he had known eva, he had known loneliness and he had known sorrow.

eva and sparda were married for many years before the children came into the picture. (eva has a banging skin care routine btw)

sparda actually wanted children because of the many times he’d witnessed the loving bond between a human parent and child. it was a type of love he’d secretly longed for

though he wanted children, he was very reluctant to actually create them with eva, because of the potential risks involved with carrying hybrid offspring. not only that, but eva being the mother to his offspring would only put her in even more mortal danger from his enemies.

but eva had insisted, soothed him and reassured him. eva understood the risks of becoming a mother this way, and she was prepared to go through with it anyway.

dante was a mommy’s boy and vergil was a daddy’s boy

sparda was a great storyteller. he would recount in great detail his various adventures to the children, or sometimes read his favourite books to them. dante was only interested in stories where the hero defeats the bad guy, whereas vergil would soak up anything his father told him. thus, vergil was privy to many stories that dante wasn’t.

by the time the twins were young children, sparda had aged considerably since he first married eva, meaning his power had begun to dwindle. this meant he was away from home more often, because more and more demons were beginning to break into the human world.

and once mundus figured out that sparda had fathered children (with a human woman, no less) they’d begun to target the wife and kids.

dante specifically remembered waiting for his father to return on several different occasions, but being disappointed many times. vergil however, understood that sparda was protecting them, because he was the strongest, and there was no one else who could.

the twins often bickered about this. vergil would remind him that his little attitude towards father was “foolish”. at which point dante would try and hit him in the face. (he only managed to actually hit vergil half the time)

while sparda was gone, the twins would stay with eva. sparda’s excursions grew longer and longer, until one day he did not return at all.

dante in his youth held a grudge against his father for his absentee behavior, but it wasn’t until he was much older where he finally understood where his father was coming from. and dante too had become like his old man in thay regard, pushing loved ones away with the intention of protecting them.

and it wasn’t until much later that vergil had finally realised that sparda’s love was his driving force behind the immense power he wielded; sparda’s love for the beauty of humanity. a realisation that had come far too late for vergil.

if sparda and eva had’ve known how it ended for them and given a chance to take it all back, they wouldn’t do it. they knew what they were getting themselves into when they chose to bring dante and vergil into the world. the only regret they would’ve had is not being able to spend more time together as a family.

[wizkiddx]

the worst case scenario 2

i did decide to make this a little parter thing, but really want to be as sensitive as poss (honestly using this as a sort of therapy for what I see myself ah). So please   do not read if anything in the warnings may trigger. I very much am not trying to ‘romanticise’ these sorts of situations in any way but also be aware medically this is NOT accurate.This part is short but I think there will be more.

warnings: hospital - ICU, respirators / mention of death , maternal mortality / talk of family dynamics and abandonment of a child

[previous part]

The sight Nikki walked into is something that as a parent you never want to see. Walking into this cold and otherwise empty ‘relatives room’ to see her son collapsed in a world of pain onto his best mates chest. Tom was too busy sobbing to even notice her entrance but her and  Harrison instantly locked eyes . Not even able to muster up a greeting smile, Harrison just nodded her in, admitting her entrance to the most horrific situation. 

It was about half an hour since she had been texting Haz, arranging when they’d be able to come and visit the newborn in hospital or whether it would be better to just wait till the new family got settled back at home, when Nikki had got a call from Tom’s number. With an excited grin she had instantly whipped her phone off the kitchen counter within one ring- a facial expression that didn’t last long at all. 

Met with the distant sound of crying first, Harrison’s deeper voice then emitted itself from her phones speaker, alerting her to the fact everything was very not right. He’d asked her to come to the hospital, said it was Y/n, that the baby was fine and then hung up. Dom immediately agreed to come with her but right now he was still parking the car, having dropped Nikki off right at the front. It had sounded that bad. 

Now, she knelt down infront of Haz and Tom, the latter who still was leaning over the arm rest and currently silently crying into his friends chest. Haz didn’t miss Nikki’s hands shaking as she reached out and rubbed up and down her sons back, the action prompting him to suddenly lean up to face her. He was broken. Totally and completely broken. Wordlessly, Nikki looked up for a second, communicating with Harrison so as if rehearsed he stood up and Nikki took his place in the chair - giving him a break from being Tom’s support. Beyond appreciative of how well Nikki could read a situation, Haz quietly but still in a hurried fashion made his way to the door. 

Because he was about to crack too - Tom couldn’t see him like that, not right now at least. And so his legs, completely of their own volition, carried him down the hallways. He had absolutely no idea what time it was, all sense of time passing had completely been thrown off earlier in the morning. He was oblivious to a lot, very much in his own thoughts and only realised where he had ended up when a nurse he vaguely recognised managed to garner his attention. 

“You’re here for baby Holland? She’s just round here.”

“I-“ He couldn’t respond but the nurse just nodded and then started off down the hallway, practically forcing the blonde to follow a couple of meters till they got to a perspex viewing window. 

“She’s the little cutie in the far corner over there.” The brunette middle aged lady softly spoke as she pointed through the glass to the incubator in the corner. “ Don’t worry about all the equipment, the doctors already come round and cleared her. She’s good to go home when you guys are…are ready.” Her words had trailed off, Harrison guessed she didn’t know how to phrase the current ‘situation’ Tom and Y/n were in either. After a couple of moments, the nurse placed a gentle hand on Harrison’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “You want to have a cuddle? I know your not dad but…”

“Yeh-yeh…please.” 

Harrison just felt awful. The little girl was barely hours into life and yet she wasn’t receiving nearly as much as love as she should be. Instead unnamed and alone in a cold and clinical setting. So he silently nodded away, taking in all the instructions the nurse gave as she sat him down in the arm chair next to the incubator. 

Once she placed the little blanket wrapped bundle in his arms the nurse smiled gently up at Haz “You want to feed her? I’m sure she’d prefer it from you than me love?” Ah. Now Haz really was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She’d never been given a feed before - except presumably the midwifes. 

“I-uh Y/n hasn’t even  so I probably shouldn’t…”

“I can promise you Miss Y/l/n would probably want her baby to be cared for by someone that loves her and that Miss Y/l/n trusts herself.” Ooof. How were nurses so intuitive? She literally read his mind and broken down all the ill-founded ideas Harrison had built up. 

“I’m not her Dad.”

“But you care.” Looking down once and briefly at the squished little face that wormed herself into Harrisons broad chest a little more, he then immediately nodded in agreement. Looking almost relieved, the nurse handed him a bottle and directed him as to how to hold it. After mere moments she gasped happily, leaning back whilst the blonde boy waited for her input. 

“She’s latched on easy peasy. You’re doing great, I can leave you to it if you want - I’ll only be round the corner.”

“Can you check if there’s any news on Y/n?” The kind lady nodded, before promptly exiting the room - leaving the two actually alone for the first time ever. 

He didn’t even think about it, whilst Haz cradled her in one arm and held the bottle up at the angle shown by the nurse, he quietly spoke to the little bundle. 

“I’m sorry you were lonely… your mum and dad love you lots and lots… we all do.” Not realising he was crying, Harrison almost scared himself when a single strangled and repressed sob escaped from his chest. “ You’re mum…. She’s a pain in the arse right?” Haz laughed a little wetly “ She’s sarky as hell and she always has an answer… you’d probably think she’s a badass… she is. And-and…. Your dad is just scared… He loves you I promise, he just… he’s worried about you mum.” Now there was actual tears welling up and overflowing his lower lash line, not matter how much he tried to blink them away. “But whatever… whatever happens. You got all of us kiddo… you got me.”

Jolted out of his thoughts by the ladies knuckles rapping twice on the door, Harrison immediately shook himself out of it, wiping his face on his arm to hopefully remove all the evidence of the slight emotional breakdown. 

“Mr Osterfield… the doctor wanted me to let you know he’s on his way to talk to Mr Holland.”

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Harrison managed to get back to Tom, Nikki and now Dom before Dr Webber returned, so with a greeting nod to Dom he too took a seat opposite Nikki and Tom. His best mate wasn’t crying anymore, which could be considered a positive were it not for the sinisterly empty look in his eye. He looked almost robotic, staring almost straight ahead at the light grey wall, sat straight and rigidly except for his one hand clasped in Nikki’s. 

“You went to see the baby?” Nikki broke the silence, making Harrison smile sadly over at her with a nod. It didn’t even look as though Tpm heard his mum speak, even if he was sat right next to her. “She’s okay?”

“Yeh…I gave her a bottle. She-she’s very cute.” Harrison could see Nikki’s face morph into one of kindness before she looked left toward her son. Nikki was still yet to see to unnamed girl but just thinking about her made her heart flutter. And then stop when she thought about what that little girl was already going through, barely hours into existence. 

“You hear that Tom? Maybe you could go down and see her soon? After we’ve spoken to the doctor?” Nikki was only trying to do the best thing, Harrison knew it and deep down Tom did know it too. But now really really wasn’t the time for some gently encouragement from his mother, it wasn’t just Tom being a little stubborn. This was his whole entire world falling apart around him. He didnt have the energy or focus to even shoot down his mother, instead Tom chose to stay completely still - engrossed in his own thoughts. 

From the outset, when you take that leap and say to a person ‘I think we should try for kids now’ you are completely putting yourself at the mercy of the other. But when they agree? Then it’s a commitment. Not it the same way marriage is - because that’s a completely selfish gesture, you get married because YOU want to be married to each other. Rather, agreeing to have a kid is a promise, a promise of something more. Promising that you are bringing this life into the world - and half of that life is yours. You create it together and it becomes a joint responsibility. You can never, no matter what people think, ever stop being a parent. At the end of it all there will be another person that knows, scientifically, it is half you. Even if they never met you - they still ‘knew’ you. They would know you had to exist, they would see things in themselves that cannot be explained rather than the influence of their creator. 

And sure, it didn’t always work out that way. A parent would up and leave, a child always with questions and a sense of betrayal. But that child… they know you. Because there is half of you in them. 

So it was Y/n and Tom together that was slumbering blissfully on a ward downstairs. That was the scary thing. Tom was so sure he didn’t have it in him. He  wouldn’t do this without her. He couldn’t be a dad to a baby without a mum. He couldn’t be a parent without Y/n. 

Almost thankfully for the atmosphere in the room, a soft know had them all snatching their heads up the very same grey slightly potato like doctor waddled in, this time followed by 2 others; a tall, dark haired woman with a soft and empathetic smile; then another man but this one tall and slender, unlike the other two who were wearing professional clothes, he was donned in scrubs (with the scrub hate too).

“Mr Holland and uh… family” Dr Webber awkwardly greeted the new arrivals of Nikki and Dom, somehow apparently sensing they were Tom’s and not Y/n’s parents who were hours away. Oh fuck, Tom hadn’t even phoned them yet. 

“This is Dr Alison Goodwell and then Dr Rohan Avinash, he is Y/n’s surgeon.” They filed in and took seats surrounding them, Dom and Harrison standing up to stand off to the side, not wanting to get in the way of the doctors. All Tom could do though was overanalyse everything. Why was the surgeon here? What was this other lady doing here? A  pathologist? — no, he wasn’t going to think like that. Then the taller and most scary looking of the three inched forward, commanding the attention of the whole room.

“Mr Holland, I just wanted to go over what happened. Ms Y/l/n developed plactental accreta, which was the cause of the what we call here a post partum haemorrhage. When you raised the alarm she had already lost, at best guess, 3 pints of blood which is a lot, there’s no denying. Dr Webber and his team quickly brought her up to my team in surgery. We transfused her with blood but we couldn’t stabilise her and the bleeding didn’t show any signs of stopping so we had to perform emergency surgery….” Dr Avinash slowed down as he took in how close Tom looked to bursting out in tears once again, offering him the chance to have a moment to collect himself. Vehemently shaking his head in refusal, Tom crung his hands together furiously. He just needed to know. “Okay… Now the nature of the surgery, because we had to be so quick…it is quite invasive and is a lot of stress to put on anyones body. That and the amount of blood she had already lost makes the situation very dangerous. Sometimes when this happens a persons heart-“ Tom’s breath halted in his throat at the mention of her heart, Harrison sharing the bleak trigger which made him shift uncomfortable between his two feet. “-notices this, it goes into what we call hypovoloemic shock, this just basically means its not getting enough volume of blood to pump properly. So we have had to stimulate Ms Y/l/n’s heart with electricity to keep it pumping-“

“You shocked her?” He felt so numb and now adrenalin was coursing through his own veins, images like you see on TV shows of her body arching up not he table from the volts of electricity.

“I’m afraid we did have to but it meant we could keep her stable enough to fix the bleed. I am sorry to say this but we’ve had to remove her whole womb because it was so damaged.”

“But Y/n?” Again Harrison lost all willpower of control, though to be fair he wasn’t sure if he was being impatient or not -  this doctor appeared to be delivering this news painfully slowly, as if to torture everyone as much as possible.

“Your fiancé lost a lot of blood and her body went through a lot” The towering doctor kept his focus on Tom the whole time, Harrison’s interjection seemingly falling on selectively deaf ears. “We’ve had to use a machine to control her breathing  and for the moment she is still in a very dangerous place. Right now she is stable but I don’t want to make any promises to you. We are nowhere close to out of the woods yet.” Seemingly, feeling compelled to add in, the brunette doctor spoke for the first time since entering.

“But it’s still one hurdle she has got through… Now that the surgeons are finished with Ms Y/l/n me and the other intensive care doctors will be keeping a very close eye on her okay? We are all going to be working with you and your family 24/7, to keep Y/n as comfortable as possible.” Her soft smile managed to somehow break through to Tom, who jerkily nodded while Nikki squeezed his hand tight. There had been a lot of that going on  today and even if Tom would say he wished nothing more that it was Y/n rather than his mums grip - he still appreciated it. The doctor continued, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on the tops of her thighs. “Right now she’s asleep and probably will be for quite a while. We first want to be sure she’s not in any pain, so she is sedated. Now assuming everything goes okay tonight and she stays stable we might want to think about possibly reducing that sedation, however for right now I hope you are all in agreement that we just want to make sure she’s comfortable?” The whole room nodded steadily in response which the doctor acknowledged with a satisfied smile. 

“And we are all aware this is a lot to take in so if you have any questions or think of any please just let us know - it’s important that you guys are all fully in the know… How is your daughter?” Dr Webber started off so well, Tom was almost going to smile thankfully at him, until he mentioned it. Instantly, the cold and empty look reappeared behind Tom’s eyes as the room was held in silence for long enough to be uncomfortable. To be fair, the doctor wasn’t to know that recently Tom had taken to refusing to acknowledge he even had a child. 

“I-she’s really good… the nurse there said she’s ready to leave whenever” Harrison had to show that at least someone was looking out for her, he couldn’t not. 

“Okay” sharing a knowing look with Harrison, Dr Webber pitifully clasped his hands together, before looking back to Tom. “Would you like Dr Alison take you up to see her, sir?” 

again pls let me know if anyone is very not okay with this, i can take it down and not write any more!