#and people already consider im bipolar (which i am

[bitchy-peachy]

People keep telling me I need to see a psychologist...

When I'm a psychologist (well a retired one cos job drove me crazy. Talking to child rapists, killers and women abusers 5 days a week in person and getting emergency calls at all times cos of behavioral issues with patients and working overtime does shit to your brain. I'm permanently fucked. Should have stuck to programing and/or forensic pathology. I would have been less of a mess then. Even with all my childhood trauma I spent decades in therapy for.)

[sh5]

writing commissions to help pay for rent, T, meds, etc. 😭

hi yall, im lee. you might know my fanfic accounts souyoseta or 100yos, and im a college student living in the middle of a city, which is already pretty expensive. on top of that, I am bipolar and ADHD, which requires medication that can be expensive even with goodrx coupons, anddd I'm on T 😩

of course, like everyone else, ive spent a long time getting absolutely no responses from the jobs ive been applying to. I have a temp job lined up, but...it's a temp job, and will only pay a month's worth of rent or so. my family is not able to help much, there was recently a stroke, some people are retiring, you get the picture.

even though my prices are pretty low, it would really help me to get a bit of work, so please consider commissioning me! here's a caard with examples, prices, rules, etc., but I'll also post my prices here

doesn't have to be fandom related btw, can be OCs or self-inserts—I really am not picky. message me if interested! 💖

[alucart]

actually fuck it lmao

got hired late september. started actual work in october. started off as a seasonal worker. every day i woke up for work i was dreaded it. it was so much work. i was fatigued everyday but i still had to give it my all or else i was "lazy". if i moved too slow i was considered rude to customers. if i dont smile im rude. if i take a minute to process something then "something is wrong with me." like. Okay. lmao.

obviously when applying for jobs i dont list the fact that im bipolar. hell, i probably have adhd. but beside the point, the fact i have to act a certain way just to keep a job thats barely paying me shit was so. annoying. the fact that while working seasonal i had to put up with so much shit was ridiculous. november and december was so awful. im still mad i had to wake up at like 4am to get to work at 5am and then the store wasnt even busy until 12am. and we had to wear red and make sure everything was perfect bc the ceo was coming to the store? LMAO?

after my seasonal hours were over i thought i was free. i wasnt working for like two weeks but i at least got to spend time with my family. clean. take care of myself. i actually got back to drawing, something i havent been able to do for months. and then they called me back for a full time position. of course i took it because i wasnt finding anything else but it mightve been the worst mistake like ever.

like i must preface, that i got the job for the seasonal position in the first place without an interview, and like, yes i knew that was fishy at the start but also, ive been looking for a job for over two years so i was desperate. somehow the full time position was even worse than the seasonal position. my manager felt more annoying.

not to mention at this point they were making me do shit that i was never hired to do. why am i organizing clothes? i take returns? why are you making me cover in the handbags department? i work in returns and help people with online orders? why are you making me pack online orders? I WORK IN RETURNS, HELP PEOPLE WITH ONLINE ORDERS AND I HAVE PROCESS RETURNS FOR ORDER PICKUPS THAT WERE NEVER PICKED UP?

honestly madness. i had many breakdowns. over not wanting to go back to work. one time i had a stomach virus and had to stay home from work and was so miserable and literally panicking because i thought i could lose my job from being sick. i had a coworker that they also hired full time and she got fired because she "took too many breaks" meanwhile there was another coworker that took way more too many breaks.

while working there i saw many people get fired. like i dont know. and it was constantly understaffed. one time my manager asked me if i could work for 50 hrs one week and i told her "i'll think about it" only to find that weekend she changed my schedule without asking. (i had a breakdown that weekend).

when they had me set up my availability i had changed it so i would get mondays and tuesdays off because i realized i need two days off in a row instead of two random ass days and they didnt even. abide by that. and by the time it was like that on my schedule i already lost my job because i "violated company policy" because i accidentally scanned some fake coupons. which mind you, i never did anything wrong at the job beforehand so i shouldve really got a warning instead of being straight up fired.

but i honestly think they just wanted to get rid of me because i couldnt get enough people to sign up for a credit card, which again, i work in returns, so most people doing a return do not want to apply to a card. to expect someone in returns to have someone sign up for a fucking credit card everyday is insane. telling people that its not really a credit card is even more insane. the fact that im still stressed out over this because im fucking unemployed is. insane!!! and i dont even know if i can get unemployment. i feel like crying.

[system-comforts]

hi im questioning plurality and scared to ask systems i know irl about experiences and help so im asking for help here (im sorry if ive already sent an ask to this blog bc i /gen dont remember if i did)

okay i think im going to split this up into two sections, one for reasons I think I may be and symptoms, another for reasons why i think I may not.

Reasons I think I may be plural:

I frequently experience bouts of dissociating or just feel generally fuzzy and after i can feel a range of symptoms including: Feeling a new energy with me, confusion on where i am, confusion on who i am, feeling an off feeling, thinking something is wrong with my body or room and more.

I frequently feel multiple energys w/ me w/ different emotions, ages, and general vibes.

I constantly switch between feeling very strongly w/ one belif or gender to the point where it feels like i have always felt like this then not long after sometimes feeling the complete opposite.

I very often feel not incontrol and almost like someone else is in control of the body.

I occasionally say things aloud that i dont think I actually said and it feels like someone else did.

I occasionally think things that i dont think I actually thought and it was like someone else did.

I have occasional laspses in memory.

Reasons I think I'm not plural:

I have 3 irl plural friends so statistically its very unlikely that I am plural too.

I retain almost all memory from when I feel like I am different people.

I feel like I am always there no matter what.

The different energies I feel tend to be very similar to my own and I cant really distinguish between them for the most part.

I feel like I may just be experiencing symptoms of something else and confusing them for plurality.

I feel like I am forcing myself to experience symptoms of plurality.

I don't think the truama i have could have been bad enough for me to be plural (im sorry if there are plural ppl who dont have truama i js dont know much on that topic specifically)

Other things to note:

I have ADHD and Autism (un-medicated)

I have BPD or Bipolar disorder (me and my therapist are still discussing which we think it may be)

I hope someone sees this and could please help me figure out if maybe another disorder is making me experience these things or if those symptoms listed are genuinely symptoms of plurality because I cannot figure out if what I am experiencing is normal or not

also im vvvv sorry if this is a blog that connot help w/ this kind of thing /gen

Hello there. I can tell by the way your organized this ask you've thought a lot about this question! I'll try to answer most of your points and hope my input helps as you continue to evaluate this question.

Your first few points regarding amnesia for where you are, identity confusion regarding your gender, and depersonalization with your body, based on what you've said here, points towards fairly high dissociation. At the very least, looking into dissociative disorders in general might be a good idea for you (and your therapist) to explore. This is especially true if these symptoms cause a lot of distress and hardship in your life.

You also talk about not feeling in control of your body, your actions, and your thoughts. The way you describe these feelings is similar to how we and many other systems might describe it. However, it can also be good to also ask if the "someone else" who did and said these things was you in a heightened emotion or at a different time, or if it was a distinctly different person. Even singlets have a variety of emotions based on different situations. Consider how consistent these actions are, is there a pattern? Does x person mostly tend to react y way to z situation? We've found it helpful to establish patterns when trying to figure out if there's a headmate involved.

Regarding your reasons you may not be plural, there's a few things I want to note. Regarding your plural friends, I wouldn't say it's "statistically unlikely" that you're plural. To truly consider the statistics, you would want to look at total populations, like of a region or country, not just in a friend group. For example, some friend groups will have no one plural, but that doesn't mean plural people don't exist. Friends come together for a variety of reasons, largely for similarities in life experiences and identities. It's possible you've found friends similar to you in some regards, and this might include plurality.

Your next three points about retaining most of your memories, feeling always present, and how these "energies" feel similar to your own also do not entirely rule out plurality. These descriptions could be from a median system, which, on the sliding spectrum of plurality, is a sort of is not quite singlet but not quite as distinct as plural systems and their headmates. It might be helpful to look into median systems as well as possibly fragments as you continue to question if you're plural.

On your final point, I do want to point out that not every system experienced trauma. Some experienced trauma but it didn't cause their plurality, and some, even if they experienced trauma, may not feel it was "enough" to cause plurality. What you say about your trauma is what many other plural people say. Try to put that question aside as you question your plurality, or at least don't dig in too deeply.

Now for your notes. The high number of plural autistics has been frequently discussed in the plural community. Not every autistic is plural of course, nor is every plural, but it makes sense that those with different brains and neuro types would also show and develop other differences like plurality. Regarding your BPD or bipolar disorder, there are also systems with these disorders. So it's not really about being plural or having one of these- both can occur. What's important to consider is how the symptoms align with each disorder. Can your amnesia, dissociation, and these different "energies" be explained by BPD or bipolar disorder? Or is there something else going on in addition to that? I think that question might be helpful as your continue those discussions with your therapist.

I hope this has been helpful to you, and we wish you the best as you continue asking if you're plural!

-mod neptune

[mdhwrites]

Do you have a mental illness?/im asking respectfully

I do appreciate the clarification though I've always strived to be open about this in general so as to increase visibility and awareness of such struggles.

I have depression, anxiety and avoidant personality syndrome. The third is a new diagnosis replacing an old bipolar diagnosis. I am also on mildly on the autism spectrum, though I'm still coming to terms with what that exactly means for me as only this year did I really try to figure out how that affects me personally. I have suffered from my mental illnesses for roughly 8-9 years and was officially decided as disabled by these issues by the US government four years ago come November and disability makes up the VAST majority of my income.

For those curious about how it affects me most commonly: I have trouble doing much of anything that causes me to focus or to think. I require distraction lest the storm in my brain come forward. This includes simple things like cooking, dishes, take walks, etc to complicated things like trying to simply listen to others for extended periods of time, get in character for acting, writing... *sigh*

My go to example for how bad this often can be for me is a tale from like five years ago now that still rings true where on a day I thought was good for me, I decided to do laundry. I bent over, started picking it up and promptly triggered my anxiety so hard as to shut down and break down for the rest of the day.

I LIVED in the same room as the laundry machines in that apartment at the time.

At this point medication isn't believed to be an answer for me due to having tried every class and type of anti-depressant/anxiety meds and I have tried anti-psychotics and found no success in those. I'm also currently at a point in therapy where people keep trying to teach me the same bits of mental toughness and coping skills I've done for years and it's increasingly looking like that if I want help attacking the roots of my issues, at least in therapy, I'll need to leave the people I've been working with over the past three years now. And start over. Again. Like I already have too many times.

Sigh

And the last thing I should cover is that my current state is... messy. Every couple of days I break down enough that I can't go on a morning walk like I want and today my brain screamed so badly that I considered it dangerous for me to drive to therapy. I don't normally consider myself to be a danger to myself, I know what I must do to avoid going into crises, but I haven't been writing much for a reason. My brain is just... Not good right now.

I have more I could expound upon, like more specifics on my journey, how my anxiety manifests not as thoughts but images and bodily reactions, or my interactions with crises services, but this seems enough just to kind of give an introduction to all of my new followers and the like.

And because I still believe it's a good glimpse into my brain, as well as just a solid story, my original book Crises Girlfriends, which is available on anything with a browser. Or, if the price is too high, the fanfic version which is effectively the same besides the names. Whatever makes it available for more people because the feedback I've gotten has given me the impression that it has been able to/can help people and if my experiences can do that, that means the absolute world to me. It's also just very personal for me and so means a lot to me.

Please everyone, take care of yourselves and have a wonderful day.

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

rambling; online diary

i truely believe i can do heroin and not be addicted. i've been on dilaudid before, ive gotten high off my ass on weed, i took some vyvanse to see how itd go, and ultimately it was boring. being high is kinda boring. i complain about not having my cart, sure. but being so fr rn i do it for show. no one would ever believe me in a million years, but it is genuinely for show.

i have a hard time defining myself as a person, given the disorders i have. anything and everything that i could add to myself to humanize myself is a positive, never a negative. humanity is by definition flawed and faulty, if i have a flaw im more easily humanized.

im also incapable of being perfect, though if i wasn't abused to the point of my brain never fully forming a cohesive personality, i'm sure id be a prodigy. if my brain genetically disabled, i'd be top of my class, 4.0 gpa with honors.

with dissociative identity disorder, autism, adhd, bipolar 1, ptsd, clinical depression, arfid, and probably some sort of personality disorder, its hard to care about anything at all. these are only the mental and neurological disorders and defects, too.

inherently i was given the worst hand i could have gotten in birth. my potential is wasted, trapped inside this failure of a body. i could have been so much more. my face is somewhat conventionally attractive, so theres a win.

im confident that without my memory issues, joint pain, and depression i could be a full blown doctor. i have to settle for marketing, because my gpa currently is too low to get into engineering. i wanted to do mathematics for awhile to get into finance or something. i wanted to do geology bc my special interest is rocks, but i don't want to work for an oil company.

if i am not constantly improving with my life in any aspects, if i am stagnant for a stretch of time, i consider it a failure.

i do not have a personality, at least nothing coherent and consistent. some people say im loud, some say im shy. sweet, mean, smart, dumb, its all contradictory traits.

i consider myself better then most of the people i choose to be friends with. a good lot of them (danny, chloe, viktor) will probably never go to college. kaden might go, but im sure she'd just party the whole time. alix is maybe the only one who i'd even consider on my level, since he's aiming for law and finds debates enjoyable. he has the drive and determination to do well in life, and is at the very least takes steps to get where he wanted to get.

chloe wanted to get into medicine and be a doctor. she is chronically disabled and was failing half of he classes. from disabled to disabled person, there is no way in hell you are making it that far. id be surprised if she made it past 25, honestly. she viewed mental hospitals as a vacation, even excluding the morals on that view, its incorrect. she believed she wasn't addicted to her medication, and that it actually helped her. she never even tried.

i am beginning to become fond of alix, though. i hope my headmates realize how much better his is compared to others. taylor and vee are already fond of him, which is a good sign.

we seem to be improving our depression symptoms and dissociative amnesia, and we joined a cbt program to further along process after being voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility. (yes, we did ask to go. we were going to kill ourselves as soon as we were alone, we needed immediate help.) i want to work on breaking down our gatekeepers resolve, and get us to a place where we can work on final fusion. i would also like to address our npd traits, but our therapist wouldnt believe us, so ill have to work on that myself.

we haven't been practicing our religion as much as we used too, its kind of sad. we send a prayer up to apollo occasionally, and he usually answers. but otherwise we havent done any spell work. its sucks to admit it, and god to i want to delete this paragraph but i need to work on vulnerability to create and foster friendships that are mutually beneficial.

ive never seen the point of online friends, i think the concept is pointless. i've tried doing it, and everytime we ended up ghosting them. the effort did not match the spoils. if im going to have friends, i need them to invest in me before i invest in them. it can be materially, emotionally, or physically. as long as i gain benefits, you will too.

[odetoagirl]

an icarian type of mind

i think i might be manic again, on the up, home alleviates a lot of the personal stress and allows me some reprise that it didnt when i used to live here. it helps me surface from the drowning depression, and makes me feel a little bit more capable. im not sure what it is, a little routine, external discipline, a fridge i dont have to fill and clothes that reappear clean. probably all three. it is a blessing i recognised but never understood like i do now. a pattern i have recognised it that when i return home, my first week or so is merely recovery, taking a breath of air and experiencing waves of relief that exhaust me. the bone deep ache after you put the weight down that you never noticed whilst you held it. the following week, i am inundated with requests for my company, which i schedule accordingly, and perfectly this aligns with a reignited energy and a reintroduction of joy to my mind. i retain my depth and a visible, distinguishing heaviness, but it is accompanied now by a particular lightness to accompany it, a little healed, a person capable of musing and amusing. icarus, free from prison, has shaken off the sea spray weighing him down, and now begins, joyfully, spectacularly to rise. slowly (rapidly), does this escalate into a nuclear whimsy, which might hope to infinitely fuel itself. extroversion becomes gregarious charm, a kiss from the gods, infinite things to say and think and ask and wonder. attentive, observant, infinitely observant, numb to fatigue. a sense of mythology creeps into the ego and i find myself inspired, energised and in love with the world; the thoughts never leave me but i feel a little bravery, which is infinite to the consuming cowardice of the month before, and i can turn from the darkness that had consumed me, and believe i might be able to overcome it or that it might never touch me again. every time it feels true, this time i wont fall back, i feel the love and joy and excitement of life, everything around me is eclectic and electric, i feel the vibrations of everything, and do anything i wish. everyone is an opportunity, and people feel so simple and interconnected. everything is an opportunity. it is a funny thing to know of your own bipolarity, because i know, in one mind that this is the infinite cycle i am trapped in, to bask in the glow of the sun and burn up, to hit the water and start to drown, but i do not know it at all. i cannot unconvince myself each and every time that this is the time it lasts, i feel it in my bones, it aches as the truth does, the hope is maybe as debilitating as the feeling itself.

maybe i dont mind living in extremes, perhaps it was what i was born to do. nothing about me is in moderation, anything that appears so is merely the illusion of two simultaneous opposites. it feels perhaps like the realest way to live, to touch the tip of both ends, what experience might i find in the middle that could not be found more intense at either end. i feel like i touch things few people see. the insight is worth the unrest, the karmic turbulence. when the gods are not kissing me, they leave me to grapple with my own mortality. would i consider bipolar desperate existential depression the side effect of the delights i am granted within hypomania? perhaps - the universe within me must too abide by the newtonian laws. i think about this and grit my teeth as i approach the sun, inevitabley, already preparing for the impact of the water. instead i should forget it all and just enjoy the glow of warmth and maintain my childlike faith; i will become the sun, and the planets with revolve around me.

see similar patterns elsewhere; eating, sleeping,

im am trying whilst writing this to seem normal and rational instead of grandiose and arrogant and illusionary. i know i fail, i know as i progress it emerges in leaps and bounds. i dont actually know where though, i can feel it but not identify it, i cant remove it, and i dont know how to tell you anything in any other way.

[the1312daysofchristmas]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[latinaqueerqueen]

January 30th

Feeling very powerful with my new keyboard. Its one of those keyboards that has really deep-set, clicky keys that makes a chorus of sounds when you type. There is something nostalgic and relaxing about having a new clicky keyboard. As a journalist who is going to do a lot of typing in her years, it's important I have a good keyboard. But more importantly, this small 24 dollar purchase gave me the additional boost of serotonin that I needed to feel just a little bit happier. 

I am ready to open myself up to happiness. I feel like everyone around me has amazing friends and experiences every other weekend. Especially girls my age, who are out partying and making the most of their lives. I feel like I got left behind, that switching my major three times stunted my experiences as a college kid. I feel both incredibly more mature than most girls my age but at the same time way younger. The friends that I have now are older than me and they all have significant others. My best friend is dating a girl that I was once in love with. Its a new situation that I am continuously discovering is hard on me. But who am I to ever share that with them? When they are happy and have each other? I feel like I am being boxed out of the friend group. Im the only one who doesn't live with them or spend as much time with them. Because of what happened in Arizona, I feel like any day they could kick my to the curb without a second thought. And ill be all alone again. A part of my likes to think they are better than that and assume the best in people. But a larger part of me knows that even the best people have the darkest shadows. 

I keep waiting and waiting for something amazing to happen. One life changing thing. An audition that goes well. A talent scout that finds me. Finding Jesus. Another friend group that takes me in. Someone who puts me first. But its been months and the only life changing things that happen have seemingly happened for the worst. Losing my ability to fly. Discovering im bipolar. Dealing with medication after medication. Having significant cutting relapses. Driving myself closer and closer to the edge of a cliff until one day I jump off. 

Ive considered driving myself to a mental insinuation. But the thought makes me want to end my life more than I already do. Its one thing to take medication and go to therapy, but to turn yourself into a lonny bin feels like a more severe thing to do. And of course thats all society sees is a loony bin. I should know better. But I have Freya and I have my grades and I have a family I don't want to worry. Especially financially, since im not so sure what that bill would look like. I also can't imagine living with my family again. Either way im depressed, but at least down here I have more freedom and more of an opportunity to turn my life around. 

This week, im going to try and wake up at 5 each morning. After hearing how ,y friend transformed her life and her body, I become inspired and want to try what she did, which is waking up early to work out. Even if I dont work out, I think waking up early would be good for my anyways. Somehow I have all the time in the world, yet im always rushing and never making time for myself. Waking up just twenty minutes before class. Skipping showers and wearing hats to cover up greasy hair. Im trying as much as a can but sacrificing things that are important to me, like getting ready and feeling pretty every day. 

So for seven days starting tomorrow, I am going to wake up early. Why? So I can wake up with the sun. So I can take the morning to appreciate what I have and realize my goals for the day and set my manifestations. Maybe do yoga, or some right back to the blog. Go to the gym and get stronger. Make a healthy breakfast and get ready before school.

A part of my worries that I won't be able to do it. Or that I will be able to do it and nothing will change. But I have to try. I can change my life on my own. I dont need a miracle or a once in a lifetime event to turn my life around. 

All you need, you already have.

Thats a pretty good quote. 

This week, im starting my journey to fall in love with myself and be okay on my own. Im going to go to my kickboxing classes, my hiphop classy and my improv class. Im going to stop thinking about what others think of me so I can start worrying about what I think of me. Maybe even go to that yoga class or mediation class I heard about last week. Get ahead of my school work. Feel on top of the world again. Reach out to family member and friends. 

My heart is a garden that deserves nourishment and time. 

[cuansinglivo1972-blog]

That really interesting. Although I am not bipolar, I do have depression, anxiety, and ADHD. None are particularly terrible, but the depression and anxiety are sometimes worse, usually with my cycle. And at what point do you start ignoring history? Is modern day Britain held accountable to the crimes of the British Empire? Should Americans be held accountable for the slave trades? No, because you humans as a society have progressed past that. Same shit as WWII. There never be another Nazi uprising or rape of Nanjing, and the humans living in those nations should not be scrutinised for the crimes of others who are already dead. In addition, Ulzheimer says, the premium card gets him access to Delta's airport lounges, a perk that otherwise costs $450 annually. N n n n "The card is not a cheap date, but when you consider the cost you'd have to pay to access their SkyClubs, it almost pays for itself, " he says. n n n nHowever, if Ulzheimer flew primarily on American, United or Southwest or if he was a loyalist to one hotel chain, like Starwood or 동인천출장마사지 Hilton he'd likely be equally enthusiastic about their credit cards, since the perks are very airline specific. What's more, he never patented a single one. Although the decision likely cost him a fortune, Franklin saw his inventions as gifts to the public. "That, as we enjoy great advantages from the inventions of others, we should be glad of an opportunity to serve others by any invention of ours; and this we should do freely and generously," he wrote in his autobiography. Nowadays you can get tax free for purchases above 5000 yen so please don't forget to bring your passport while shopping! You can only get the discount with the physical passport, not a copy or picture. Usually the tax is immediately taken off the purchase, but some stores have a counter where you get a refund the same day. You can't get a refund at the airport later.. I just dont get editing IG photos, it like cheating. Maybe practice your makeup and go to the gym, maybe get therapy, or even get the actual plastic surgery so you can look good for your pics. At least itll be real. These are all scams to make them more money. And people eat it up. What. I know this is going to be unpopular and may get downvoted but the Allure beauty box page offers a frequently asked questions link 인천출장마사지 which includes information stating when your box should ship after signing up and about what time of the month subscriptions generally ship. I feel like people could save themselves a lot of unnecessary anger or headaches just taking the time to research before subscribing to something. No offense, I get it. I. What? We both have plenty of friends, mine just dont smoke cigarettes or vape nicotine. Im not sure if thats because we got so much anti tobacco stuff aimed at us or what, but i think the reason the slightly younger crowd picked it back up is because it faded from mainstream use and became more mysterious/unknown. Omg, I can even. Fine, I sure there are women who might be in the demographic he trying to target. But don fucking put it as an ad in between my beauty channels! What is wrong with you! I literally sat through the whole ad because I wanted to know is this for real cause the whole video is a woman doing her makeup in reverse.

[letsimportanttreecollection-blog]

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What would an insurance quote for a Scion xB be? ... for a Scion tC?

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What car insurance companys are cheap... and do they have a web site/phone number so I can get a quote thanks!

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Insurance company not paying for car repair that isn't my fault?

I was in an car accident. I was in the right hand side of the parking lot and I was backing out of my parking space. I was in the middle of the parking lot, and a guy pulling out of his parking space on the left hand side of the parking lot. While I was in the middle of the parking lot, the guy back his car into mine (In a hurry). After this accident happened, this guy admitted that he hit me and the accident was his fault. The police showed up and we told our stories and he admit to the police that the accident was his fault and it was on the police report. After the accident, we went our separate ways. I talked to my insurance company and they told me that since the guy that hit me admitted that he caused the accident, I had to take it up with the guy's insurance company. I called the insurance adjuster from the other insurance company and gave my statement and he told me that he viewed the accident as both our faults and would not pay me to have my car fixed. And I told him that his client admitted to the accident and he said it didn't matter. I would have to go to my insurance company to have my car fixed. I have arbitration. Also, the adjuster said that I can go through arbitration. I don't know what to do. What can I do about it?""

Insurance to drive in Florida?

I am 18 and live in Florida. I don't have my drivers license because my parents say I have to have a job to pay for insurance..Ive been looking for a job for a while now but no one seems to be hiring in my area. I know my parents will pay for my insurance if it was cheaper..right now its around $200. I read that if you're driving someone else's vehicle then you don't need insurance as long as the owner of the vehicle has insurance..can someone please explain this to me? Will I be able to drive without insurance?

""Why do questions say cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance, not cheap health & affordable car?""

Questions about finding inexpensive car insurance usually refer to it as cheap . Questions about finding inexpensive health insurance usually refer to it as affordable . I do not recall ever seeing a question refer to affordable car insurance, and only rarely to cheap health insurance. Why is this? Why do car insurance questions use the word cheap and health insurance questions use the word affordable , and not the other way around? Is it just tradition, like saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year , but never saying Happy Christmas and Merry New Year ? Is it because the law has the word affordable in its title, causing that word to be associated with health insurance? Is it because most of the questions are from someone who is trying to manipulate search results by causing searches for cheap car insurance and affordable health insurance to come to this website? Is it because car insurance questions usually come from users under 25 years old and questions about getting health insurance usually come from older users (health insurance questions from users under 25 usually have to do with saying on their parents' insurance and/or using their parents' insurance)?""

What are car insurance groups?

Im a provisional driver and ive seen a 2004 Vauxhall Corsa...it says the insurance is Group 3. So what exactly does that mean? And is that good considering it will be my first car that i will be driving around for quite a while? :)

Can I drive in the USA on UK car insurance?

We are taking our vehicle to the USA and travelling around for up to 12 months, can we use UK car insurance or do we have to insure the vehicle when we get to the States?""

Affordable Health Insuance that includes maternity coverage?

My husband just started a new job that offers NO benefits until he moves up in the company which could take over a year to happen or even longer, and I only work part time. I am ...show more""

Will my grandfathers insurance go up if I was using the car?

My grandfather let me use his car for work one day (I have no car of my own) and I got a ticket. I went to court today for it, the gave me one point on my license. Will this effect his insurance even though its not my car and I am not on the policy? Or will it only effect my insurance when I get a car of my own?""

Motorcycle Insurance?

Does anyone know of a good/inexpensive insurance company that will insure motorcycles in Grand Prairie, Texas.? I am 18 years old and I can't even imagine what the cost of insurance would be for me. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks.""

Quote for Motorcycle insurance for a Teenager?

I am 19 years old and I live in California. I have liability car insurance and I am on my dads policy. I am planning on getting a 250cc cruiser bike [probably a Honda Rebel (I dont know what year yet)]. I took a motorcycle safety course as well. How much do you think I will be looking at for motorcycle insurance added to my car insurance policy under these circumstances.

Car Insurance Renewal?

I currently have a 8 years no claims bonus and I am due to renew my car insurance at the end of this month. The quote is 520. However as the current value of my car is about 900-1000 and I only do about 3000 miles a year, I dont think its worth insuring this car for this year and plan to get rid of it. I plan to get a newer car next year or the year after. If I dont renew my car insurance this year and say there was a gap of 1 year or 2 between renewals, would I lose all of the benefit of my 8 years no claims? Would i have to start from 0 years no claims again? Any body help? Cheers!""

""Will an unpaid emergency room bill keep me from being able to buy health insurance, OR hurt my credit rating?

I have an emergency room bill which I have not yet paid and I'm wondering if it will keep me from being able to buy a health insurance policy and if the unpaid bill hurts my ...show more

Can my Health Insurance cover for my Car Insurance?

I currently have AmeriChoice as my health Insurance and High Point as my car Insurance. Does anybody know how this works? I've some people say that they have their car ins. with their health ins. and they end up paying less $$ for their car Ins. Help!

What's the cheapest business auto insurance company?

There are different business auto insurance companies, I've heard Erie insurance is one of the best ones, do you know of any other companies that might be better or similar? thanks""

How much would it cost for a 50cc scooter to insure?

I dont want l plates anymore i think its 50-100 lol , and how much would it cost to fully insure it and the test aswell. Im 19""

Texas insurance companies offering insurance on rent-houses?

Where can I find a list of all the property insurance companies that offer insurance on rental property in texas?

Are you supposed to have car insurance at 15?

i just thought of this just now and i remember having to pay for auto insurance at 15 just for a school permit for school and back and i hear some people dont have insurance was i right to pay for it or was i tricked because he says you have to be 16 and said he'll accidentally put that i am and say it was a mistake to the company, i think this is a trick but idk and again others dont pay for insurance but were they just too cheap to do it and risk the consinquence? or did i get tricked back then by my insurer""

Can i get auto insurance without a car?

Can i get auto insurance without a car?

Will my car insurance rate increase if my car is stolen and never recovered?

I also have GAP insurance.

How hard is it for police to verify that you REALLY do have car insurance?

With all the different companies that offer insurance, how would a police officer know if if the insurance card is a fake or not or if the policy number is real during a traffic stop?""

I have an insurance quote of 1300 for a punto 1.2 on a provisional licence?

if i take this quote what will happen when i get a full licence will it go up or down?

Car insurance rate for 24/m honda accord 03?

Just wondering if anyone could guesstimate a car insurance rate for me? I recently graduated college and just got my first job making 32,000 a year. I am thinking of buying a 2003 Honda Accord EX Coupe. I havent gotten a ticket or been in an accident, ill be commuting 20 min to work every other week (carpool) and i have ok/good credit (no co-signer required). Any guesses? Thanks!""

Moms how much did your insurance go up after having a baby?

Right now I have my insurance through work I pay around $200 just for me.. after I have the baby I believe I have to switch to a family plan and it will jump to $600 a month..does this sound right..is it reasonable? Thanks

Backtack on medical insurance for newborn?

Is it Normal for my job to backtrak and charge me premiums for my newborn if I didn't enroll her until about a month after she was born? She was on my wifes insurance up until I enrolled her but they took a lot out of one check. Spoke with the head of finance dept and tells me they still backtrack from when she's born even though she was on my wifes insurance

""Insurance Rates For '05-'09 Mustang GT, '02 WS6 Trans Am Ram Air And '02 Cadillac Eldorado?""

(thank you sooooo much for all answers to my previous question! It's a shame I couldn't shout thank you for pushing the vote button by mistake. I was a total noob here) As everyone recommended me to purchase a 4th gen Trans Am (hopefully the ram air of the final edition), with one person also picking the 05-09 Mustang GT out of my wishlist and my friend telling me to get a 92-02 Cadillac Eldorado, how much is the average of the insurance rates for each car? I'm 24, male, just graduated from college in Japan and have no driving history in America. I'm moving outta here in a year. My nationality is Japanese as well, which means I won't be trusted for a while. Sure my Japanese licence won't be valid in the US so I'll have to retake it over there hence no history... right? :/ Does anyone have a clue? Thanks a lot for reading :)""

Most affordable health insurance?

I know its going to be expensive regardless, I can't afford to go through my work's insurance (over $200 a month). Researching online for medical/dental coverage. Anyone know a good insurance to go through?""

markel boat insurance quote

markel boat insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/can-anyone-tell-me-motor-insurance-card-systems-frank-reyes"

[simptasia]

yall got any,,,, Lost character headcanons

my jaw has dropped because that is the broadest question that can be asked of me. like, anon, whoever you are, i love you but for the record im like:

why yes anon i do have lost character headcanons! oh boy! oh golly do i!

jack: 

bi and autistic (thinks he’s straight and neurotypical, the sad bastard. his dad has tried to smoosh him into roles he’s not meant to be. jack gleans that there’s something “wrong” with him but doesn’t understand what’s doing on which just causes more stress and self-loathing)

actually its amazing how much of jack these two things explain because… yeah… that about sums it up

kate:

bi and she’s known it a while (and her and cassidy were literally dating)

it’s implied several times but isn’t made obvious so i guess it’s a headcanon that kate was sexually abused by her bad dad

pregnant with jack’s kid after they banged pre-ajira flight

her and claire are gonna raise kids together and get married

bipolar disorder

can’t fucking cook

has a fear of domesticity due to her upbringing and the fear that she’ll end up like her mom (and this is a big part of her issues with relationships in general. that and she feels she doesn’t deserve to be happy)

it’s canon that she projected her Bad Dad onto sawyer, so logically… naturally… i can assume she projected her Good Dad onto jack. sad

charlie:

bi and a trans man (known he’s a boy since he was 5. his family were very accepting of this. it’s other people in life that were not. like at school)

histrionic personality disorder

it would require several pages of meta/headcanons for me to explain how fucked up charlie is so just trust me on this. quick summary: internalized biphobia, transphobia, slut shaming, catholic guilt, self-harm and a need for attention so desperate it could cause physical pain. this is just the cake, over it is an icing of pride and faux-confidence to cover it all up

well that’s uncomfortable, anyways: fave colour is red, has a sweet tooth and his fave treat is banoffee pie (such a manc)

claire:

bi, didn’t know it until kate

autistic (yeah this legit started because “i think jack is” and thinking about it, the irony of christian shephard spawning autistic kids amuses me)

claire is into astrology so i apply that kinda lifestyle to her in general. like tarot cards… palm reading… yoga… herbal teas. that sorta thing

hurley:

his neurodivergence is canon but never stated, so based upon his symptoms (paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, etc) i feel he has a fictionalized version of schizophrenia. i also think he has depression

i also think he has some kinda learning issue, because he’s consistently shown to have issues spelling things (words involving “y”s trouble him)

i hc him straight but funny story, it was actually an accident: i was thinking about these things and was like “well, to me, it really does feels like hurley just likes girls in that way… whats the word for that?” and i legit paused for several seconds until i realised the word for that is straight. like, i literally forgot straight people existed. so, yeah, just wanted to clear that up

desmond:

he genuinely doesn’t know he’s hot (and that’s terrible) due to ugly duckling syndrome. he was very greasy and oily as a teen. bad hair, bad skin. but over time he got hotter and des just feels the same

bi (discovered things about himself in the army)

bipolar disorder

i got him as a theatre nerd during school all cuz of a throwaday line

his dad abandoned him and his three younger brothers. their mum was already dead at this point

grew up knowing spanish too cuz of his mum. oh and des is the same race as his actor and that’s final (half white, half peruvian)

he wanted to be a doctor to earn a better living for his little bros, but gosh help him, with all he had to juggle, he just didn’t have the grades

daniel:

besides his brain damage issues, also autistic and has anxiety. also synesthesia (of the sounds as colours and colours as sounds variety)

canon dan killed many rats for experiments, MY dan loves rats and has hundreds of them as pets (named after classical musicians) thank you lost for limbo verse, where all my dreams can come true

bi demi (des was his bi awakening)

this is canon, but really fucking loves driveshaft. this boy can say some shit about their music that’d make most people go It’s Not That Deep but fuck the haters, dan has a lot of passion and love in his heart. including for punk-classical experiment fusion, apparently… what a blessing

he’s so touch/affection starved, please help him

also i’ve pretty much given him triciophilia

vegetarian due to texture issues and inability to digest meat

he doesn’t know how to drive

charlotte:

autistic (random i know, i promise this makes sense to me)

bi and in limbo in a polyam relationship with dan n miles

limbo char has a hairless cat named jean luc

speaking of which, huge sci-fi nerd, espech star trek

in my heart i consider all lost ladies to be feminists in one way or another, but char is the most likely to go off about it (aka she’s Outspoken)

think of a language, char can read n speak it. okay this is Kinda canon, but char isn’t a very well explored character so here i am, super exaggerating little canon things. implied to be kinky? now hella kinky. couple mentions of chocolate? she ADORES chocolate now. yep

miles:

depression

aro bi

canon gave me “he’s sad so he’s shitty to people” so i really, really ran with that. because that is a character type that really interests me

it’s so hard for me to talk about miles headcanons without going into paragraphs of emotional analysis meta but im gonna try and keep this short: always had issues connecting with people, victim of ableism, has never had a romantic relationship (and he’s put himself into a ‘’fuck love/romance, it’s bullshit’’ mentality), didn’t finish high school, did porn once, hates his powers but can get some money outta it

post-finale eventually he and richard will be a thing. it’s not easy, but they get there. marriage and two kids. claire’s their surrogate

loves ghostbusters

also thinking about it, i’ve made miles the kinkiest. hardcore masochist (and i did this before i noticed miles jokingly going “this is hot” to kate choking him so like, go figure)

i see a punk boy with 15 face piercings, i think… he didn’t stop there

also i have him have tattoos too but i dunno what

i value friendships i imagine miles having with the women of lost. like naomi and char on the boat and in limbo. juliet during dharma times. kate and claire post-finale. like in my mind these are great and interesting friendships/dynamics and i love them but they got no coverage in canon. like, imagine any of these things. it’s so good??? so good

richard:

he and isabella were trying to have kids for years but she miscarried several times, so that’s why they didn’t have kids

he was 40 when his aging stopped. i chose this age so i could have a nice easy number to do maths with, since richard was ageless for 140 years, making him 180 by the finale. feels comfy. (also nessie was 39-42 when he played richard so this choice isn’t like, insulting)

yes he is 150 years older than miles and he feels very guilty about that

bi demi

the actual biological dad to daniel faraday. richard was detached and celibate for a hella long time until 1962 wherein he and eloise started to have an affair (because of love, richard is a good boy) which promptly ended when their son literally died right in front of their eyes

also they buried him

loves roller coasters and gardening

he doesn’t live in the Real World but he isn’t clueless about how things are changed. richard’s basically just an old guy. he’s evolved as people have evolved. eg. no, he wouldn’t be carrying any leftover sexism, racism or homophobia from the 1800s. that’s not how that works. he used to have these prejudices but he got better as society got better

in general it’s a helluva thing that richard bore witness to humanity changing so rapidly. like, 1867 to 2007? HOLY SHIT thats huge! both the technological and social aspects would’ve been enormous. so logically richard would have to be very adaptive to cope with this (it helps that he seems inclined to do whatever he’s told, even to the point of irrationality)

over time, see so many people die, he decided to emotional distance himself from the rest of the others

im missing, like, a lot of people. and like, theres more. of course there’s more. i write lost fic in my head all the time, i just never get it down. but uh anyways i lost interest in writing this clump of lists a while ago. so here ya go

also 

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+headcanons

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+text+posts

and also my search function. have fun

[qtsp00k]

Any way, the woman on the bench outside the office asked me what was wrong and i shared with her that people think it's ok to be addicted to marijuana, but it's not. It makes people throw their lives away, throw themselves away.

She agreed and told me to put myself first. I was already doing that but the reminder and the encouragement was good.

I told her that i won't need him very soon, but i will still want him.

She left with the little old lady from the elevator.

And the anger and all of the upset from him just washed away. I was spun. I sat there trying to muster a smile but that's a moot point with masks. I wanted to greet people but didn't know if i should be saying good morning. I then didn't remember their names or recognize their faces well enough.

Everyone felt familiar and every one felt like a stranger and pain was crawling up my leg, every slight movement of my head hurt it as did the sound of my own voice.

I sat waiting and getting looked at. I didn't want attention but you'd never expect so considering im wearing a candy pink onesie (kigurumi) with hair big and wild in a big power chair loaded with jackets and bags.

I could cry quiet for awhile. Fearing my neighbors would see me on a non functioning day and stop seeing me when I'm feeling well. Like people do. Like people have.

And i kept doing things too. Water on the floor, i went and got paper towels and cleaned it up myself. It was almost certainly bleach water and my heart went to the 30 dogs that walk on these floors.

I saw Barbara not recognize her ride fully and not want to risk a fall by going out to the vehicle, so i zipped out to the car. The woman waved me away but i just stared at her through the rolled up window of her car until she got out. She told she wasn't my ride and she's sorry before i got the chance to ask her who she was here for. She said Barbara and i knew that was Barbara even though i couldn't recall her name on my own during our pleasant chat about palm sunday.

Which i do not understand. Palm leaves as in palm tree. Thru the street? For church? Ok

I led her to Barbara and the friend giving her a ride shared that she helps residents out here on top of caring for her severely add bipolar husband. I blessed her heart and wished them a good time.

A hand cart was stuck up on the dirt outside and i took that in. They fold apparently.

When i finally got outside i cried hard, just sobbingban inching along. Last night at the bar my leg was feeling strung up and today it was definitely going to be a pain day of not fun, not doing anything besides sitting still while tv does it's best to keep my attention off Sean & Sean.

The good Sean because i don't want to lose him and exposure to me seems to do the trick .

And because he's sick and Travis is sick... I'm interestingly not all that concerned about having contracted a flu. Just worried at the flighty nature of an unburdened soul. I worry that if i imagine too many things then no future will be left to be had. As if by thinking of a scenario crosses it off a list of possibilities.

And so too do i fret that my thinking about them will be perceived and they will be thinking about me without understanding why. Mistake it for being in love with me maybe?

This is all very profound.

Along a paths crossing i there did meet a woman who asked if i was ok. I replied that i was not and she wanted me to talk to her. I voiced my concerns that this was overstepping bounds of a stranger, but she assured me it was ok.

I told her my water problem and that I'm distraught that im unable to get water for myself because the pain but then also getting water for several days home on my chair is a challenge.

She asked if she could do anything. I don't recall now (hours, that's how fast it goes) if i said "pray for my friend" or she suggested. But she said the prayer out loud. When i gave her the name i couldn't say my exes new name because i had to say Sean. And in that moment i didn't know which of them i wanted. But as the prayer went on the wording became more specifically for me, concluding with her stating that we should be reunited if it be the will of the universe.

I felt the flag pole type of sensation. Light briefly.

Then i thanked her and esp I'm grateful because i don't know how to pray really. And i explained that i call it Christ Consciousness and she suggests i open up the bible and read it in order to connect with that presence.

Sean O was speaking of the random open read method. This was also how I'd choose to read any book or not. This was also what i did to make it thru my stint in OSH. When i became the church leader and led worship, helped patients find clarity and exorcised demons according to some testimony.

She offered to help me read the Bible.

I was looking for it last night cuz Sean O , then again cuz Edward (which is a nother christ consciousness share as well) and that's ok.

I'll find it. She prayed that jesus give me a sign of hope i think and she was it.

Her name is Mary.

She offered to get me water.

To my shame i didn't even pay her.

I said oh no and was kind of shocked that she offered.

After Sean O bared his soul about his Gramma and it lined up eerily with my own Gramma ship to the point i just wept and he continued sharing. Mary was is my Gramma's name.

I am not fully expecting Mary to follow thru with her delivery.

But she does.

And i thank her. I'm out of sorts for a number ofv rains.

one being that I had to take a legal Delta 8 gummy for my pain and it still makes me feel like my consciousness has been altered and another being that the post-it notes slowly scaling up my wall are not adhesive anymore and I need to find my poster putty ASAP or I'm going to lose the pieces of my puzzle. The third being that I'm back in my home and my home is not in order and I cannot do a single thing about it at all today. And then also the fact that I could be in for a pain storm and just struggling to get through every next moment and stay silent and not worry people and not be a negative presence and not have the police called on me.

I still do not offer this woman any money and I'm not even sure I hardly even say thank you because she hands me her business card as she tells me to let her know if I need help and I take this card from her and she's a pastor.

I tell you if I could get out of the loving embrace of Christ I would stop talking about being in the loving embrace of Christ but this is where I'm at right now.

I have wonder if Mary's unnerved that I answered the door out of my power chair because I was seated in it when she met me and I have wonder if she thought anything about my apartment despite knowing that I just moved in and I'm not unpacked. And then I don't really care and I just think that oh that church I've been looking for found me.

And then occurs to me that I've made plans on Sunday and I might have to reschedule those plans because I don't know if a Catholic man would want to accompany me to church and now my plan is to go to church on Sunday.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

[snapsnapmyturtleback-blog]

Group Therapy

ahhh okay so listen 

this is probably really bad and im so sorry but whatever fuck it

@reddiestenbrough

Eddie shuddered against the cold wind that pushed past him and made the fallen leaves swirl around him. He pulled his schoolbooks closer to his chest and continued on, his legs beginning to tremble more and more with each passing step. Eddie still remembered what his mother had told him that morning before school.

“Eddie-Bear, don’t you worry yourself. After school you’re going to go to a therapy group so that you’ll be a normal little boy.”

Eddie sighed, his hair blowing backwards in the wind as he made his way to the random building he had been told the group was being held in.

The brown building stood proudly but tiredly in front of him, the countless windows surrounding the building were glaring down at him.

Eddie took in a couple large breaths and swung open the door. He peered inside, the lobby was completely empty but there was a whiteboard sign with ‘Mrs. Jackson’s Therapy Group in room 301’ in large blue letters. Eddie glanced around frantically, his nerves getting the best of him.

What if they hate him? What if they judge him? What if they’re dirty and covered in germs? His mother would surely not approve and pull him out. Eddie began to hyperventilate, the walls seemly closing in on him.

He didn’t even notice someone enter from behind him or that someone placing their hand on his shoulder. He didn’t notice them until they turned him around to face them.

Eddie couldn’t focus on features. All he could see through his watering eyes was bright red hair and some blue jean overalls over a red shirt.

The person was saying something to him but Eddie couldn’t understand, all he could bring himself to do is shake his head and breathe in and out harshly.

Eddie suddenly found himself plummeting back into reality as he felt a stinging sensation on his left cheek. Whoever had been trying to talk to him had slapped him and was now holding his shoulders with a worried look on their face.

Eddie sputtered out fragments of sentences as he attempted to explain himself.

“Are you alright?” the person- a girl- had asked. Eddie took in a sharp intake of air and nodded slowly.

“Sorry.” Eddie mumbled sheepishly, using his right hand to flatten his hair and his left tightly secured around his books.

“It’s okay. Are you going to the therapy group?” she asked, pointing towards the sign. Oh, that’s right. Eddie nodded, trying to stay as silent as he could so he didn’t end up saying something stupid.

“Cool. I’m going too, we can find it together. I’m Bev, by the way.” the girl said, extending her hand.

Eddie stared at it, “There are about 5,000 germs on your hands at any given time. That’s not even considering those who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom or after touching something with even more germs.” Eddie said, absentmindedly just spouting off facts his mother had drilled into his head.

The second he said those words, he flinched and laughed awkwardly. Great, he had just made himself look like an idiot in front of this random girl that he was going to therapy with. What if she had anger issues and was going to hurt him? Eddie was smaller than most kids and being sheltered didn’t help his nonexistent knowledge about defense.

Bev laughed, “Calm down, it’s okay.” she said, moving her outstretched hand back and waving it dismissively.

“I’m Eddie.” Eddie said, his head moving down as if he were trying to make himself smaller. “Well then, Eddie, lets go to this bullshit therapy session.” Bev bowed and walked past him into a hallway, Eddie scrambling after her, his backpack bouncing with each step.

The two approached the room labeled ‘301’ and Bev opened the door, stepping aside so Eddie could enter. When Eddie stepped inside, the first thing he noticed was a set of chairs formed in a circle with three people occupying three seats.

The first seat had Eddie’s therapist, Mrs. Jackson, sitting in it. A clipboard sitting in her lap and her legs crossed. She smiled as soon as she saw Eddie, waving a little at him.

Right next to her was a boy with curly hair and perfectly ironed clothes. Nothing seemed out of place with him, his shoelaces were even and his button up shirt didn’t have a single button out of place. Even his curly hair was styled a specific way and it hardly moved as the boy bounced his leg three times, paused for three seconds, and repeated the action.

The last seat was taken by a boy, also with curly hair, not as short as the other boy, with a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of black jeans. He was lazily spread out on the plastic seat across from Mrs. Jackson. He didn’t look like he wanted to be there and the way his shoes were off, thrown behind him, already made Eddie not like him very much.

“Come have a seat, guys. Wherever you want.” Mrs. Jackson spoke, gestured to the seats around her. Eddie dropped his backpack and books on the floor on the other side of Mrs. Jackson. He pulled out a container from his backpack and pulled out some disinfecting wipes, wiping down the seat and carefully folding it, placing it into the trash bin that leaned against the wall.

“Great, we got two clean freaks.” the boy in the Hawaiian shirt said loudly, adding a dramatic sigh after it.

“Richie, don’t forget what we talked about. Be nice.” Mrs. Jackson reprimanded.

Eddie ignored them both and watched as Bev plopped herself into a random chair in between Richie and Eddie.

“This is Stan and that’s Richie.” Mrs. Jackson introduced to Eddie and Bev, then she turned around to face the two boys and said, “This is Eddie and Beverly.”

Eddie waved awkwardly before shooting his hand down and yelling at himself internally.

“Now, we’re only waiting on Bill, Mike, and Ben.” Mrs. Jackson listed off, looking at her clipboard and taking down a little note.

Mike arrived next, he looked seemingly normal, like there was nothing wrong with him. Though Eddie supposed that they all looked normal, it was on the inside that counted.

Bill and Ben arrived together after him, chatting about random topics that Eddie didn’t exactly care for.

Once everyone was sitting and staring at Mrs. Jackson expectedly, they begun the discussion.

At first, it was small things such as “what’s your favorite TV show and why?”, just so they could get used to each other. While everyone was talking, Eddie glanced at the weird Richie boy. Richie was staring off, completely uninterested in the conversation. Mrs. Jackson must have noticed as well because seconds later, she changed the topic.

“Alright. Now that we all know each other a bit better, how about we get down to business. Why don’t you all tell everyone why you’re here and you hope to accomplish while you’re here?”

Bill was the first to speak after a minute or so of uncomfortable silence. He talked, with his stutter of course, about his brother, Georgie, who had gone missing a couple months prior. He talked about his parents ignoring him since his brother’s disappearance. He talked about his depression and how sometimes he’ll hear a clown’s voice and how sometimes he’ll see things that aren’t really there.

Next was Mike. Mike talked about his insomnia and how he has nightmares about the time he killed a sheep, except now he was killing people. He talked about how history was his passion and how much it helped him. He talked about the farm he lives at and how he’s homeschooled so he doesn’t get much social interaction with other kids but he craves it more than anything.

Bev talked about her cigarette addiction and how she does weed every now and then. She talked about her bipolar disorder and her mild depression. She talked about how she skips class a lot and hangs out on the roof, to which she nodded at Richie and Richie returned the gesture.

Ben told them about his self image issues and how he cares more about other people than he does about himself. He talked about how he had a love of poetry and also enjoyed history. He talked about how much he loved reading and how much it helps bring him to reality.

Stan had a small frown on his face as he talked. He talked about his extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and how he had to do things in blocks of three. He had to enter a room three times. He had to move in steps of three before waiting three seconds and continuing to walk. The biggest thing to Stan was how he would have panic attacks if things weren’t set in groups of three. He could handle it most of the time, but it still freaked him out. He talked about how he was Jewish and he talked about how much he enjoyed bird watching.

Finally, it was left to Eddie and Richie. Eddie didn’t particularly like talking about himself so he hoped that Richie would speak up but, at the same time, he didn’t want to be last because then they might spend more time on him. So, Eddie did what Eddie always does and just started talking.

“Um, well, I’m Eddie- though I suppose you all already knew that. I’m a huge germaphobe and I have asthma. I, uh, I have a bit of social anxiety. And, umm, I don’t know. My mom is kinda overprotective and I have to take a lot of different pills to stay healthy. And, uh, well... I’m gay?” Eddie sputtered out, mentally face palming at everything he said.

“That sounded like a question, Eds. Are you or are you not gay?” Richie asked, now hanging upside down while still on his chair.

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie said automatically, “And yes. I am very gay.”

Richie nodded, seemingly satisfied.

“What about you, Richie? What’s wrong with you?” Stan asked, his leg bouncing.

“Nothing. I’m not like you freaks.” Richie responded with a shrug.

“No one here is a freak, Richie, not even you. If this is going to work, you need to actually talk about your problems.” Mrs. Jackson said, writing down some notes.

“Fine. These dickwads said I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression, and I have anger issues. Also, I’m a kleptomaniac, though, I guess that doesn’t count as a mental illness, huh?” Richie said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out Eddie’s inhaler. Eddie gasped, stood up, and instantly grabbed it from the taller boy’s hand.

“How’d you even get this? It was in my backpack! Oh, man, mom’s gonna kill me.” Eddie spoke, not really expecting any answers as he wiped down his inhaler.

“Correction, it was in the side pocket and I snatched it as you walked by. Jesus, it’s like you morons are asking to be pickpocketed.” Richie explained and then, as if an afterthought, added, “Your mother seems like a real charm, she does. I bet she’s just as charming in the bedroom.”

“Beep beep, asshole.” Stan piped in. Eddie guessed they already knew each other from either school or the time they spent in here before Bev and Eddie arrived.

“I’m just joking. Didn’t realize jokes weren’t allowed in front of the clean freaks, my bad.” Richie spat, looking annoyed.

“Ri-Richie, may-may-maybe it isn’t a-a-a good i-i-idea to m-m-make fun of s-s-someone.” Bill stuttered, his voice strong even through every shake.

“S-sorry, did-di-didn’t m-m-mean to offend the s-schi-schizophrenic.” Richie mocked.

“Richie, that’s enough. Go take a walk around the building and come back when you’re capable of playing nice.” Mrs. Jackson ordered.

Richie rolled his eyes, threw his legs off the chair, and walked out of the room. Eddie watched as Richie stomped off, taking a puff of his inhaler, and followed the cute boy.

Eddie found Richie outside, shivering against the harsh winds. He looked angry, which Eddie didn’t understand since Richie was the one who started it.

Eddie sat down on the ground next to Richie and slowly wrapped his arm around him, allowing him time to tell him to leave him alone. Richie said nothing, just glancing at Eddie’s figure and staring back straight ahead.

“Are you... okay?” Eddie asked, tentatively, not wanting to anger the boy further.

“Thought you were the germaphobe.” Richie said, ignoring the question. “I mean, yeah, but, I mean, you’re cold so... I mean, I can move if you want me to-?” Eddie rambled, stopping when he felt Richie lean into his embrace.

“Please, don’t.”  

Eddie nodded and rested his head on top of Richie’s, who had his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck.

They stayed like that for a while, until the others had come looking for them. Even then, they didn’t move. Eddie just shrugged and held onto Richie tighter in response to their questioning stares.

This happened pretty much every session. Richie would say something that was mean or offensive, Mrs. Jackson would send him out, and Eddie would follow and hold him in his arms outside.

So to say it wasn’t surprising to the losers club, as they called themselves, when Richie and Eddie started dating, would be an understatement.

[derangedroyalfae]

Jan 16, 2019 as of 7:15AM

4:05AM

So around probably 8-9PM, I completely crashed. I had been tearing up my room looking for my really pretty eyepatch since I wanted to wear it for a project, but I couldn’t find it at all. I looked everywhere and several times, even my bathroom got overturned a bunch, but alas, nothing. At some point, while I was checking my bed area, I just kinda crawled up to think/out of frustration.

I’m highly considering dropping my astronomy class just until the next semester or so. I know the more classes I put off, the longer I’ll have to stay, but I have my list of which classes are available over Summer and/or Fall. It just feels like it might be a bit much and throws my schedule weirdly. It’s my Saturday class and my late class on Wednesdays, and I don’t like staying in this city after dark. I should wait until I can safely get to and from without inconveniencing someone else.

So the fact that this week, I had two occurrences where I experienced insomnia and yet was still energetic reminded me of how my original psychiatrist was concerned that I had bipolar/manic depression, so that is a sign of mania. It’s almost like my Zoloft/antidepressant counteracted/overturned those symptoms. I remember that the psych who substituted for my newer psych while she was on medical leave told me that Zoloft has a habit of making people sleepy and thus was surprised that I took it in the morning.

I’m not saying I have bipolar, by the way. I was never diagnosed and don’t think my symptoms were severe enough anyway. I suspected cyclothymic over manic depression. But I started new medicine pretty much right off the bat with my psych and there are a lot of symptoms of mania that are incredibly similar to ADHD, so it was hard to track.

I don’t want to get out of bed, to be honest, just want to sleep in.

5:55AM

So as I’ve just screwed myself into a corner, I either have to get ready super fast or pay someone to drive me directly to school.

6:55AM

I realized as I got on the bus that I forgot my normal headphones at home, but I luckily have some spare headphones in my bag for such occurrences. They’re crappy/decent and not wireless, but I use them mainly to communicate to my fellow strangers that I 1. Am not looking for conversation 2. Probably don’t hear you.

So I think I’ve officially decided that I’m dropping my astronomy classes for this semester. The lab is every Wednesday until 7PM and the lecture is on Saturdays. It just was a heavy workload and an inconvenient schedule when I can’t drive myself.

7:05AM

AHHHHHHHHFUCKINGDAMMITTTTTTTTTTT

...I accidentally dropped my psych class too...

I’m just gonna have to tell the professor of my stupidity when I see her today, let her know it was purely by accident and I had indeed been enrolled (so I’ll probably be on the roster since they usually print it the day before).

Just how, Royal?

Im still peeved with the whole eyepatch thing. I have no clue where it could have gone unless it somehow got loss out in the world (how I’m not sure) or it got thrown away by accidentally being too close to garbage and I picked it up with said garbage not seeing it and threw them out together. I suppose I can always buy a new one, but I really shouldn’t have to, nor am I in a position to spend money. Haven’t I screwed myself already in that field? Unless I start camming regularly (and have paid back Kitty for the textbooks she helped me buy), I am not spending money on things that are medical or food.

Riiiight...so perhaps I should get back into my actual serious writing. Something that I will publish and make money off of one day (not like that’s my actual reason for writing, but it’s a plus).