#and one of them stopped taking insurance and the other one moved to Iowa

[scribefindegil]

i wish there was a way to find a therapist that was. good.

[tamerajedwards]

Deep thoughts …. Missing the creative me, 💕 How I was found online by a HOLLYWOOD CASTING DIRECTOR-

Yesterday I was really down and sad. I guess it was a let down after the video shoot. I had anticipated it since late April and the day finally came, I met all of these wonderful creative people from LA, New York and Iowa who are in the fine arts who spent an entire day with me. It was one of the best days of my life I’ve had in years. It was an emotional happy high that I didn’t want to end. Then it was over…just like that!

We laughed, worked hard, created, shared gifts, ate together, shared thoughts, then said our goodbyes with sweet embraces.

It may sound weird… but I cried yesterday. I have missed being around people in the fine arts. They are just like me. So I called my sister and told her how I was feeling as I cried in her ear and she said, “Tam, you’re sad because they are your tribe and it’s like you found them! You found your tribe!”

It explained everything. I have felt like a duck out of water. I was born to create music and stories. I love talking, I love photography, I love being on camera, I love creating beautiful things with other people, and I live in a state where everyone sells insurance and lives in the middle of corn fields. Don’t get me wrong, I love ❤️ Iowa! It’s my home and it’s like a comfy pair of warm socks or jeans that I want to wear every day!

For years people told me to move to Nashville so I would be around other writers, but I just couldn’t leave my family. I’m extremely family oriented. I have never had the money to pick up and do things like that. I think people with money do have an upper hand on placing themselves in situations where they can be successful. People have also used the coined phrase around me, “Must be present to win.” That’s really stuck with me.

But sometimes you can be found in the middle of a corn 🌽 field without leaving home.

Some of you may ask, “How did you end up on a Pfizer documentary video filmed by Hollywood film directors?”

My posting on social media for over 16 years was NOT in vain. A Hollywood casting director found me online on a site where people were posting about RSV (a respiratory virus) and being ill with it. I had it twice and was trying to encourage other people with helpful hints on how to get through it. A casting director lady was watching my posts and how I was responding to other people. She then texted me and from there it went to video chatting and interviews with Pfizer and Hollywood directors. It was like a whirlwind of thoughts.. like is this really happening? I’m in a cornfield and you found me. I didn’t even take a flight to Hollywood to tell my story they all flew to me.

This is a case where social media is powerful and very good! We all know social media can be mean and hurtful, but now I know very great things can happen on social media.

For me, this moment in time is forever cherished and a nudge from God to never stop creating, even if it’s me sitting alone in my music room, don’t stop! Don’t stop creating and don’t stop putting it out there into the world! You’ve only got one life. Live it to the fullest! 😊❤️

P.S. God is good, not just good He is great! He sees every little thing you do! He cares about everything you do and what happens to you. He is looking for ways to surprise you and bless you! You are not forgotten and those blessings will be poured upon you when you least expect it! Xo ❤️ Tam

[thecursivej]

Ooooh is Biden about to rope the repubs into some bipartisan shit? Please do.

What is Republicans huge issue with capping insulin? Truly? Who does it harm? Billionaires still get billions.

Oooooh, how interesting to compare how much perscription drugs are with the affordable care act compared to other countries.

I just know Kamala is getting a leg work out for the years.

HELL YEAH LET'S EXPAND HEALTH CARE PLEASE (me eyeing my parents health insurance expiring when I turn 26)

Ooooh, women's health research?! Okay Jill, get it girl!! That's fucking DR. BIDEN to y'all.

Yes, please crack down on rent increases. I want to be able to move out of my parents house when I graduate (and I'm in motherfucking GRAD SCHOOL).

(Had to pop out so I missed some but here's more thoughts) Who the hell keeps screaming about the U.S. Marine Corp?

MTG Screaming at Biden was a lot dawg.

Mmmm, good use of a pause to establish the importance of his next statement about what his predecessor said in face of a shooting that happened in January in Iowa.

YES. LET US GET UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECKS PLEASE.

How the hell does taking weapons of war away from civillians an infrignement of the 2nd amendment? Can someone truly explain that to me? I really want to know.

Oh shit, are we about to get a ceasefire statement?

Nope, getting statements about bringing the hostages home (which is fair and needs to be done).

YEAH CAN WE GET AN IMMEDIATE CEASEFIRE!? PLEASE!? Israel DOES have the responsibility to protect Palestinians. The words you're looking for is "Immediate Ceasefire" Mr. President.

We don't just need a fucking pier for humanitarian assistance; we need a GODDAMN CEASEFIRE, JOSEPH.

Netanyahu has already proved that he doesn't give a flying fuck about innocent Palestinians. Telling him to simply "let humanitarian aid through" won't do shit. Why not stop giving them weapons and money?

Okay, two-state solution line, but how about...CEASEFIRE!?

Ayiyi. Now we're discussing Houthis and Iran, but we aren't getting anymore of Palestinian aid.

Is America rising tho? Are we really? Because us 'normal' folk are suffering a lot.

Lets not ban TikTok then, okay? Like, what is China gonna do to influence me that the actions of congress haven't already influenced me on? I'm thiiiis close to anarchy, and not cause of China, Joseph. Because of the U.S. itself.

Oh now we ending cancer? Am I the only one who feels that that came out of left field.

Oh thank god, the end.

I do have to admit that him teasing republicans is fucking hysterical. The callout to Lindsey Graham cracked me the fuck up.

I feel like the soul of our nation is being thrown around like a hot potato tbh.

Ayoo where's Dwight when you need him? Shout out to Scranton, PA.

This congress is making me feel like goddamn John Adams in 1776 the Musical.

They're really about to make me run for fucking office at this goddamn point.

IDK who the woman sitting next to MTG is, but I fucking LOVE her.

We're always too young until we're too old. (Oof, that feels poetic tbh).

I really wish Biden would step back and let a younger more progressive candidate take on the Orange Man(TM). Frankly I wish the Orange Man(TM) was lost in a desert somewhere, but here we are.

CAN WE GET THE WEALTHY PAYING THEIR FAIR SHARE IN TAXES LIKE, IDK, YESTERDAY!?

Lots of good rhetoric used in this speech, though. Like damn. It's a lot of good use of audience relation, ethos, hella pathos, and good connections to ALL of the U.S.

Alright. We're done. It's over.

So. As I guessed, there was no call for an Immediate Ceasefire. Disappointing. But not surprising. My major issue with Biden is the ongoing support of Isr@el. Biden MUST call for an immediate ceasefire, otherwise he's completely lost the Arab American vote, and a good chunk of the youth vote (if not a majority/all). I hate that we're having 2020 pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo, and I hate that third party votes will not be counted. I hate this two party system.

But I do believe that this country can be better. I believe this country can be a safe place for growth, creativity, research, a safe place to fucking LIVE. I believe this country can be a better place. And I can't make myself give up on it until I have no other choice.

So, there was that SOTU. It was rhetorically very good, but I find it lacking with a path forward.

SOTU - 2024

Well, I'm forcing myself to watch the State of the Union while I grade speeches, so I figured I'd record my reactions and thoughts here.

Do I hope for the words "Immediate Ceasefire"? Absolutely. Will we get them? Looking at the track record, probably not. But I remain optimistic because otherwise I'd be six feet under by now; ANYWHO here is a list of my reactions/thoughts/general feelings of the evening's watch.

I do want to give a point of clarity: I technically am identified as a democrat; truly, I'm a socialist, but seeing as how the U.S. is stuck in this godforsaken two-party-system, that is where I am. Though both sides have me feeling very french-revolutionary-esque.

Of course the first thing I see if MTG rifling through her purse on screen. I quite literally despise her.

AP is discussing Ukraine's need for weapons and funding; I would truly rather us align with Ukraine than Isr@el. I will stand unapologetically firm for Palestine and Ukraine.

Who is actually in the cabinet? I know Blinken, Garland, and Buttiegeg. Damn, wish he was running again. Would rather have him than Biden.

How insane is it that the Sec. of Defense didn't even let the White House know that he had to go in for surgery because of cancer. Like, that's just bonkers to me.

Republicans truly look like fucking robots right now. No warm greetings, no hellos, simple nods.

Republicans out here wasting fucking time with that impeachment of Mayorkas. Like how about we house the homeless populations with the money they wasted on this circus.

Oh funky fresh look at the Ultra-Mormon(TM) Mitt Romney.

MTG with that stupid fucking MAGA hat on is just... disgusting. Like this bitch is crazy.

Okay Joe, speed it up down the fucking aisle please. I got papers to grade.

Lowkey Joe looks like he might have had a five-hour energy drink with that big-ole look in his eyes.

I do appreciate that Joe still smiles and is kind to MTG. She truly doesn't deserve it.

Okay this is getting just a wee bit too monarchy for me.

MTG holds up a button saying "Laken Riley..." (couldn't read the rest). Riley was a 14 year old girl murdered by a man who was an illegal immigrant of venezuela, and instead of handling this situation with grace, empathy, and love; MTG and others seem to be capitalizing on her death to push their anti-immigration rhetoric.

Okay, cool selfie skills Joe, but let's get on with it.

ALSO HOW IS JOE BIDEN GONNA BE SO IN DEPTH WITH TECH AND "Savvy" WITH IT WHEN MOTHERFUCKER WANTS TO BAN TIKTOK!? Hello?!

BERNIE AND RAPHAEL! I feel like I haven't seen these guys in 10 million years.

Oh thank god we're starting.

Aww the little hand shake thingy he does with Kamala makes my heart happy.

Did Joe just yell "tony"?!

Wow, even got some republicans clapping for him (probs not a good thing but here we are)

Okay, good bit of humor at the top; and a throwback to the 40s. Funky fresh.

Yeah we ain't living in ordinary times for damn sure.

Interesting point of democracy being attacked here in the U.S. AND Internationally. (Mentions Ukraine and Putin; no word on Gaza yet).

Someone busted out a Ukrainian flag and shook it; rock on.

OH SHIT HE GOT MIKE JOHNSON TO CLAP!

Appreciate the insistance that the U.S. won't send troops to UKR.

Good use of Reagan to connect with the Repubs; and compare to the predecessor (aka Tr*mp).

Mike Johnson nodding instead of clapping about the predecessor comment, trying to save his ass in Orange Man's eyes.

Welcome to NATO, Sweden!

If there is one thing that should connect Democrats and Republicans; it's hatred for Putin. Yet there's a mix of Repubs standing in agreement and sitting to back up the predecessor's comment on Putin doing "whatever the hell he wants"

Talking about Jan 6. What breaks my heart? My parents still believe it wasn't an insurrection. Yikes on Bikes for me.

The line "You can't love your country only when you win" hits hard and even got Mike Johnson to applaud in agreement.

Foreign AND Domestic. Need a hefty focus on that with the right-wing republican group (@ MTG, Gaetz, Cruz, etc.)

Discussing IVF in Alabama; good connection to the overturning of Rowe v. Wade. It sucks that Republicans HAVE THE POWER to protect IVF nationally but shot the damn bill down not even a week ago.

ABORTION IS A HUMAN RIGHT. BODILY AUTONOMY IS A HUMAN. FUCKING. RIGHT. (@ The Missouri Senators who support taking away bodily autonomy).

WOMEN AREN'T WITHOUT ELECTORAL AND POLITICAL POWER; WE ABOUT TO TURN UP IN FORCE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Bring back the strats from the 1900s; time to use our power and go bonkers.

Someone get Joe a glass of water please. Motherfucker looks a bit parched and keeps coughing. I get that when my throat goes dryyy

Can Biden not restore RvW? Can he not by an executive order make RvW the law of the land already?

Revisiting COVID's start from 2020 (Next week is the four year anniversary since the global pandemic).

PFFT idk who just yelled "LIES" but that was comical AF.

Well, the pandemic still controls a big part of our lives... so...don't agree with that shit.

Man, everyone sitting-and-standing must be getting a HELLA calf work out.

Sure, unemployment is down and new jobs are built; but corporate greed is quite literally killing us. Can Congress or Biden do something, damn it?!

Are we beginning to feel it, though? Are we feeling good economics? I doubt we are.

Good job pointing out how both parties have failed to buy american products, but how this admin has established that.

There's a good two rows of Republicans who stand in applause; but the rest just... sit there. Like robots. It's freaky as fuck.

Joe is actually doing pretty great with the flow of this speech. Only a couple of stumbles, but overall pretty gucci. (He'd get a 9/10 on delivery in my public speaking class).

God these fuckers are really gonna make me run for office at this damn point.

Removing poisonous lead pipes... but there's still a water crisis in Flint, Biden. Like, what the fuckeroni do you mean?

Yes, let's invest in family farms; lets stop selling our farmland (especially in Missouri) to foreign countries (@ China buying up TONS of Missouri Farmland).

I love that the UAW president is here, because he straight up is my kind of people. Dude wears eat-the-rich shirts and calls out the unethical-ness of billionaires.

UAW President pointing to Biden saying "It's you!"; nah dawg, it's you Sean.

MIDDLE CLASS DID BUILD THE COUNTRY AND UNIONS BUILT THE MIDDLE CLASS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

Yes we get back up but right now...we might be getting more french revolutionary-esque if y'all don't stop PLAYING WITH OUR LIVES.

Oh jesus not the 4-more-years chants.

Oh now we talking about the future

YES PLEASE END TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMIES.

Says he's not anti-corp; but points out how trickle down economics has only helped the wealthy.

Yeah, how the fuck does it hurt the wealthy to pay just a weeee bit more in taxes? Like dawg, what are you gonna do with another million? What's the point?

Ooooh is Biden about to rope the repubs into some bipartisan shit? Please do.

What is Republicans huge issue with capping insulin? Truly? Who does it harm? Billionaires still get billions.

[cowboyjen68]

Do you have any advice for a young lesbian starting out in the world and living alone (especially one who’s grown up in and lives in a rural, semi-conservative area?) I’m graduating college and moving into my own place in a few weeks, and I’m TERRIFIED.

The best way to not be scared is to get involved in your community. As covid allows volunteer if you can. Not all non profits need you to be on site. Many need data entry or cookies for a sale. Find some things you enjoy and put time into helping. Animal welfare, Meals on Wheels, cleaning the town community center. Ask your small town city hall if there are seniors or people who need their lawn mowed or maybe yard cleaned up. 

Getting your “face” into your community makes you familiar and it is hard to not like someone who they “know” and who is helpful to others. Plus you get to meet others who you will likely share interests with. These people can be resources for jobs, roommates, help you might need. Straight people all know other lesbians and are more than happy to introduce their cousin or friends daughter to you. 

Do not be afraid to use local resources. Visit whatever the local social services website and office is. Inquire about health insurance, food help, dental resources and even help with electrical or internet. You can have a job and still be eligible. The community social workers often know all the ins and outs and can help. 

If your town has an Extension office (ours is Federally funded but partnered with Iowa State University). Stop in some time, say “hi” and ask them what resources they have that might be helpful to your living style. They don’t just help farmers. 

If you are renting GET RENTER’S insurance from day one. It is affordable and if anything from fire to a burst pipe happens your stuff and often a hotel is covered above and beyond what your landlord has to cover. 

 Ask people you meet what they do and then ask more. Ask for business cards. People love to talk about what they love and you never know when you might need a guy who does sells used tires from his garage or a woman who does pet care for cash. 

Subscribe to Lesbian Connection www.LConline.com   It is a great way to see what, if any lesbians gatherings, resources or women live around you or within driving distance. Many a lesbian will tell you how much this little quarterly helps them feel less alone. 

Begin to build a lesbian friend group. Dates that don’t work out become friends, they have friends who have friends. This does not mean  you will like every lesbian you meet and you are not obligated to be friends if you don’t click. But having others to call on for every thing from having a beer, to dinner to someone to check on your cat when you are stuck at work is nice. And because you share such a big part of your life, your orientation, other lesbians will “get” where you are coming from without a big back explanation. 

STUFF i TELL MY KIDS (that they ignore) Don’t quit a job before you have another one

Don’t get a credit card until you have a savings

SUV are awful on gas and more expensive to upkeep, put gas in, insure and register (make sure you REALLY need the room and 4 wheel drive before getting one). 

Take all cars (used) to a mechanic for inspection. MOST charge 50 buck.. good investment

Don’t get a pet until you are SURE you can handle it. Time, money , space. Two cats are better than one. NO dogs are better than one ignored or left untrained. 

If the basement gets any kind of dampness store things only in totes witth snap lids

Keep a car emergency kit (See on line ideas for your area) Buy a 4 way tire iron for every car.

Begin investing with an easy to use on line app like elevest or stash as soon as you can. 5 bucks a month is better than zero bucks a month

Use a Credit Union if you can. They are user and client friendly and offer many services. A good standing at a credit union will help with loans etc

There are probably a lot more, but these basics will hopefully help. 

[myeternalsin]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hello everyone! 2020… WOW. Can I just say that it has been a complete and utter rollercoaster! IT’S BEEN AWFUL! I am making this post to explain multiple things about myself, my stories, my accounts, etc, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and finger snacks because this is gonna be one long a*$ post! (Excuse my French, but considering everything I’m about to explain I felt like I needed to write that!)

First off, 2020. I believe everyone thought that 2020 was going to be their year. Everyone had their hopes and spirits high to the skies. I was one of those many people. I celebrated New Years Eve with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and thought this year would be perfect. Valentines day on a Friday, my 21st birthday on Easter, 4th of July on a Saturday, etc. COVID-19 happened. I live in Cedar Rapids Iowa where honestly, my governor had and still has done sh*t about COVID-19. 

Around the end of March I was hit with some very hard information. 

The daycare I worked at, 8-5, as a full time job during the week of spring break had it’s numbers DROP. I went from a class of 12 children to a minimum of 4 a day to a maximum of 7 children. I was even given Wednesday off along with my teacher assistant as we were TOO overstaffed at the center. Usually when I leave work at 5 o'clock, there’s about 20 to 25 children left by the end of the day since we close at 6. I should have known that Monday that the week was going to get worse. There were only 6 CHILDREN at the center when I left EARLY at 4:30. The next day I came home at 10 since we were overstaffed again, and was called at noon that our daycare was shut down. I’m laid off. Start filing for unemployment. 

I was completely HEARTBROKEN. I was truly hoping to stay open, not for the pay or to “get the virus so I can stay home” as some of my co workers joked-but to stay open for the CHILDREN. I was praying that they could get through this and that this whole COVID-19 would blow ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL over soon… boy, was I WRONG! 

I celebrated my 21st birthday at the apartment with my boyfriend instead of bar hopping since everything was shut down. I was completely and utterly BOARD. I had no clue what to do with myself! During this time, my boyfriend was also stuck in the apartment instead of at the office. While we were at the apartment, there was this trend on TikTok called the “towel drop challenge”. I was honestly thinking that since were both cooped up in this tiny apartment that was could, ya know, get it on~

Three and a half years. I was with this boy for three and a half years without ever losing my V-card! I mean, we’d tried on multiple occasions but I just never got my cherry popped. I was told by my mom that any boy would have taken my virginity by now and not waited this long. I even asked him a year after we were together if he was possibly gay or asexual. Which wouldn't have been a problem AT ALL! I have no hate against him however he identified sexually, I just wished that he would have told me or he would have done something about it. 

That fateful day, I let him know that I wanted his time and attention. He could have walked away from his computer. There were times where he’d either be on his phone with his head down while “working”, or he’d come out into the living room to play a video game for half an hour while still “logged in and working”. I was hoping to just get ten minutes of his time. I was lying in my bed, naked and waiting for him. I know he saw me too, yet he didn’t do anything. It was the end of his work work shift, and I was waiting with anticipation for him to just POUNCE on me. 

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, “I’m going downstairs to do laundry.”

My whole entire being shattered. I was completely DEVASTATED. I always asked myself after every time we tried having sex if something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Is it because I got bigger throughout the years we were together? Was it because I was inexperienced? Was I performing wrong on him when we would do stuff? I was pretty sure I was attracted to him both physically and personality wise. So what was wrong?

I got so upset and started screaming and yelling at him while crying everything out about not only what he just did, but about everything. In the end, I just collapsed on the bed and said “I want to go home.” I was like a broken record, uttering that saying over and over again.

So, I moved out. I am still living with my parents, and honestly it was rough and still is. I became so depressed. This boy was my best and sadly only friend I ever had. I had pushed away all of the friends I used to have because of him. I tried contacting some old friends, but they had all moved on with their lives. Everyone’s getting married, engaged, having kids, having pets, graduating college. I had nothing, or at least it felt like it at the time.

No friends, no boyfriend, moved in with my parents, and no job.

That’s right. The owner of the daycare never hired me back on, along with six other staff members. Around the beginning of July, I was wondering why I hadn’t been contacted to come back to work. I was willing to travel even though I didn’t live in that city anymore because of the breakup. I was notified by a coworker that they were back to work already a month ago and she was wondering where I was! I called the daycare and never went through to anyone about why I wasn't back.

I felt so useless. A failure. Disappointment. I wanted to not exist. 

I knew that I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, and it scared the shit out of me that my mind was not only thinking it-but the feeling and urge to actually follow through with it.

So, I contacted my doctor. Got some antidepressants, and am trying to get a therapist at the moment. My doctors building with their therapist are practically booked with everything going on. It’ll still be a little bit before I can talk to someone. I was told by my doctor to try to find something to do that peaks my interest. I thought of my work and you guys. I’m proud of the writing I have and can’t believe I left you guys hanging, both on request and stories. I found something I could do to lift my spirits up yet again!...

PHSYIC!

August 10th 2020, I woke up at 10 in the morning. I made a hearty breakfast and an iced coffee for the first time in FOREVER! I was pumping myself up to get on here and to start writing again! After I was done eating, the city sirens went off.

“Is there a tornado?” I asked my parents. They themselves didn’t know either because both cable and the electricity went out as soon as I asked. We all hurried downstairs with all three and a half dogs as the wind picked up and the rain became more heavy. (I said a half because M,W,F we babysit my sister's little beagle dog.)

We sat and waited for the storm to be over and we were wondering what was going on. My dad was about to get up when BOOM! The house shook and vibrated all around us.

My mom started crying hysterically, my dad tried to comfort the dogs and create a barrier for them not to go upstairs, and I just kinda sat there. It was like I wasn’t really registering what was going on. Maybe it was because I was trying to stay positive? Maybe a couple branches just smashed the siding of the house or window? Were the antidepressants not allowing me to cry and freak out? I wasn’t sure what was going on with me at the time. 

The rain stopped and my parents went upstairs to check everything out while I stayed downstairs with the dogs.

“Drip!”

“Argh! What the!?” I exclaimed as I showed my flashlight on my phone to the ceiling. It was dripping from the heating and cooling vent. I saw other droplets of water along the Styrofoam tile ceiling, and followed the trail towards the small kitchen area where there was water IN the ceiling light!

“Uhhhh, guys?” I yelled to my mom and dad upstairs.

“Wait a couple minutes sweetie!” My mom responded back as I started to hear their hurried feet running around upstairs.

“We got water coming downstairs!” I hollered as I grabbed a couple of empty solo cups I had downstairs since I was living down there to start collecting the water.

“Yeah? That’s ’cause we got a hole in the house!” My dad yelled.

The big tree in the backyard that was planted from the previous owner back in the 1950’s crashed into the living room from this storm we later learned 3 days later called Derecho. We’ve been recovering for about a month now. Almost everything is back to normal. 

We got power and water back 2 weeks ago from today, the internet back a week ago, and cable has been kind of wonky. We’ve been wanting nothing but the news and were able to have cable for ONE DAY. It crashed and we still don’t have cable. We’ve tried antennas but they just aren’t working in our location. 

The downstairs floor is ruined. We had to rip out the carpet and the floors now have asbestos. I live upstairs now in the guest room and we’re pretty much confined to the entry way since we still have a huge hole in the living room. No comfortable seating either. We’re hoping to hear back from the insurance claim sometime this week… but there's a possibility that we might just have to move if the damage is too much. 

To put the good old fashioned cherry on top, one of our dogs may no longer be with us this week. She hasn’t eaten in the past couple of days and is only drinking water. We’re taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s going on, or if she’s suffering too much.

Honestly… 2020 can F#@! OFF! It’s been such an awful year! But! I am ready to get back into the swing of things and get back to writing and writing for you guys again!

I was going to explain some things about my accounts and rules but I feel a tad bit drained after writing this all out, and I haven't typed on a keyboard in so long! My wrists HURT! Give me a couple of hours and I'll be back with a PSA part 2! I will be posting this to all of my accounts so no one is left out of the loop. Be back soon! 

~MyEternalSin

[subtextures]

Narcissus Talks to Echo

The Interview apologies to The Paris Review

Context:  Why poetry?

Subtext: (Laughs) What else is there? No, really I don’t know.  It is what has come to me.  I have tried to write fiction and I don’t seem to have the attention span for a sustained narrative.  Not that poetry doesn’t require precise attention, because it does.  But it requires a different type of attention: attention to the moment.  Fiction requires attention to the end, the resolution.  Everything is focused on how the story will end.  Poetry’s focus is in the word by word movement; the unfolding of the moment, which is what makes it so hard to read and write well. It requires one to attend to everything, all the possibilities in a very intense focus, knowing all the while that one is missing most of what is happening: kind of like life.  That kind of attention is hard to maintain in fiction: maybe a Proust, or Melville, could pull it off.  I think one almost has to be ADHD to follow the leaps and psychic shifts when writing poetry.  You know:  Look! A chicken!

C:  But you also write essays.

S: Yes, but essays are as Virginia Wolfe said, “the mind tracking itself.” Much like poetry. I find myself leaping along after my thoughts in both poetry and the essay.  Neither, initially requires plotting out what I am going to say.  I can rely more on the moment to moment flow of my thinking.  In both forms discovering what I have to say as I write and focus on the play of words and ideas is part of what makes writing exciting to me.  Not to sound Romantic, but it is as if I am possessed by something greater than me that is leading me toward some revelation.  Eratos, I guess.

C: You just said you don’t have to plot out what you are going to say, yet in several of your long series you have fairly complex writing structures.  I am thinking here of  “My Book of Changes,” “115 Missing Days,” “Primogenitive Folly,” and in your most recent, “Sonnet.”

S: True, but in all of those poems, I used a number system to either create a limitation, either small or large, to help me, or maybe better to say, force me to either write very tightly in the case of  “Book of Changes,” and “Sonnet” or to expand on my thinking as in “115 Missing Days.”  I did not have a direction, or even some kind of idea in regards to what I was going to say, I simply wrote.  Again it is more of a chasing after an idea, or image that is just out of reach constantly.  Kind of like Robert Browning’s pursuit of love, in “Life in Love:” where the speaker is always, like a hunter, in pursuit of his love, but never quite capturing his prey.  Browning is more interested in the pursuit than the capture, it seems to me, and I see that now as analogous to how I write when I first sit down to write a poem. As I said earlier, I am much more interested in where the poem will take me as I am writing it, rather than having a set idea of what I want to say and then figuring out how to say it.

C:  So, if you don’t know what you are going to write about, how do you start?S: I start with a phrase, a word sometimes, or an image, then go from there.  I don’t mean to sound so willy-nilly.  I write all the time.  Or I, at least, get out my notebook and stare at the page.  Sometimes I will re-read snatches of writing which led nowhere at the time they were written and find something there to salvage or something to prod me on in another direction.  Somedays, I just write badly, but other days I can re-read the bad writing I abandoned weeks or months before and find something, some fragment of an idea, which leads me into a larger world. Last year I even found several partial poems in notebooks I abandonded at least ten years ago.  I have learned over time that anything can start a poem; so I have tried to enable that by making a conscience effort to pay attention to everything: the short arc of a bird from one branch to another, trash caught in a whirl of wind, the beauty in the everyday occurrence.  Of course, for the most part that is a failure, but I do try.

C:  Do you write everyday? Do you have a routine?

S:  I try to write everyday, but I rarely ever do.  Even when I was writing “My Book of Changes,” I didn’t write everyday, although that was the intention when I started it, to cast the I Ching then write a six line poem using the hexagram I cast as a palimpsest through which to read my life in that day, and to do that every day for a year.  But that fell apart quickly because of work and having three children under the age of 5 in the house.  However, it made sense to try to write one everyday but to let chance operate allowing for some days where I just didn’t have time to write.  I wound up with 250 poems over the course of the year, and that led to the next series of poems, “115 Missing Days.”  But I am not really answering your question, am I?  There goes that chicken again; one thought distracts me from my original intention.            No I don’t have a routine. No I don’t write everyday. There, that is the short answer.  I used to worry about not writing, the actual putting pen to paper kind of writing, but over time, I guess as I’ve gotten older I don’t worry so much about that anymore.  I think that as I go through my day, trying to pay attention to stuff, I am writing.  I am filtering out the ephemera, collecting images and thoughts, which I will later use.  Not necessarily consciously, but I find when I finally find time to write that often these thoughts and ideas flow back into my thinking sometimes from a few days before, other times from years in the past, in a non-temporal flood of memories.              I do carry a notebook with me at all times. I have done that for more than twenty years.  I like unlined sketchbooks.  I write in the book whenever I can catch a few minutes, or if I have an idea all of a sudden. Once on the way home from dropping my oldest off at college, I wrote an entire sonnet as I made the eight hour drive.  I stopped finally at a truck stop and wrote it down. So I guess my routine is to write whenever I can, but not on a schedule. Does that still qualify as a routine, if it is not in a routine manner?

C: Yes, I think that would qualify.  Let’s talk about your “training,” as it were, how important do you think poetry classes are, or MFA programs?

S: I don’t really have anything to say about MFA programs, since I have not been in one.  The two people I know who went through a MFA program, one at Iowa and the other at the New School in New York, seemed to get a lot out of the programs.  How much they learned to write in the programs, I am unsure.  At least one of them was a fine writer before he went through his MFA program.  I think like any school, a person gets as much as she puts into the program. I found the poetry workshops I took as an undergraduate and in graduate school allowed me a unique environment to write and talk about poetry with a very diverse group of people with different aesthetic visions.  It is rare, at least for me, to have that kind of environment after school.  I have written and thought about poetry on my own since I finished at Bread Loaf almost twenty years ago. I was lucky from the very beginning to have several people who took the time to read and talk about my work with a kind attentive eye.  It helped me learn to write on my own.

C:  Talk about these people.

S: Well, in high school when I first started thinking of myself as a poet, I had the good fortune to come into contact with two teachers, one a writer, the other a visual artist, Cliff Berkman and Ann Lockstedt, who took my poems seriously, or at least pretended to well enough to make me believe they took me seriously.  Berkman gave me books of poetry to read, probably the best thing any young poet can do; read voraciously, as Dylan Thomas said, “until my eyes fell out.”  Lockstedt introduced me to Art with a big A.  Something that was out of the realm of the milieu of small town south Texas, she took a bus load of kids to see the Cezanne exhibit in Houston, as well as several buses to Dallas and Ft. Worth to see the Kimball and several other art museums.  That kind of trip with today’s lack of funding for the arts in the public school system would be unheard of now.As an undergraduate at the University of Texas, I was lucky to be in several workshops run by Albert Goldbarth.  In the late 70’s and early 80’s, he taught there before moving to Kansas.  Again he talked to us as if we were poets, not as dumb-ass students, which we were.  He was sarcastic and cutting, but he also found something good to say about everybody’s poems.  What Katherine Bomer calls the hidden gems in students writing.  It takes a very patient mind to do this well, and Goldbarth made us want to write better, or at least made me want to write better.As a graduate student in English literature at the Bread Loaf School of English, I had one poetry workshop with Carol Oles, but just being at Bread Loaf was a writing workshop. The conversations about literature and writing with the professors and students that I had over the course of the four summers I was in Vermont were life altering, as far as my thinking about poetry was concerned.  Lunch conversations with David Huddle, Robert Pack, Ken Macrorie and others over everything from the weather to literature, to politics is indescribable in its influence on my literary life.

C: What about your own teaching, how does that affect your poetry?

S: I would say in an indirect manner.  When talking to my students about the “great” works of English literature I have come to see it in deeper more meaningful ways, not just because I have to explain the poem in ways the students can understand, but also because of the ways of knowing a poem the students bring to the work.  Also as I try to teach my students how to write, I garner insights into my own writing processes.  Teaching has deepened the initial training I had through the university, and taken my understanding of poetry further, I believe, than if I had gone off to sell insurance.  But that is because I am able to think about poetry on an ongoing basis, and have discussions with fellow teachers about writing and poetry.  

C: How important is having a community of writers?

S: Very important.  Writing is such a solitary activity. So much of the time is spent in your own head, wrestling with your own demons, caught up in self-evisceration that just being able to talk to others who have some common understanding of what it means to write becomes a balm to the doubt and insecurity that comes with being a writer. Even if all you talk about most of the is how the local sports team is doing, or how crappy your job is.  You also have the love of words and writing, which brought you together in the first place.  

C: Do you think about your readers when you write?

S: Yes, in the very real sense that I am one of my readers.  That makes me think of a line from Tom Raworth when he said he started to write because he liked reading what wrote. But as for making it easy for my readers, not really.  I write what I write.  I like it when someone says they have read and liked what I wrote.  I often wish they would be more specific about what they liked, but any kind of  positive response is welcome.  I think any writer who tells you she doesn’t care what people think of her writing is lying to you. As human beings we all want to belong, and writer’s want people to read what they write.  I think that is why so many writers seek out workshops, so they can have someone read their work.  The danger becomes that you change your vision to better conform to others’ view of the world.  That is also the horror of writing that no one can see the way you do, and you wind up screaming into the wind.  I haven’t sent out anything for more than 20 years, but I post on my blog in hopes that someone will read my poems, and maybe even respond.  

(March 2012)

[kqnsc5yt-blog]

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[blog-sportsupdatenews-blog]

The best way to enjoy the actual 2019 March Madness With no Cable television – Acquire Everything

The best way to Observe March Madness 2019 Live Stream On the internet – Acquire Every detail

March Madness can be shutting inside and also growing in excess of people, so it’s about time all of us find anxious about the particular spectacle the actual gamer are likely to deliver all of us because match kicks off. Consequently, in the event that you’re looking towards enjoying the actual 2019 March Madness on the internet, could simply just in which it is best to seem.

Your NCAA Department My spouse and i Men’s Baseball Event, which is also known as March Madness takes place each and every spring in America. The tradition extends back to help 1939 when only ten teams was in the levels of competition. From the time that next, the amount is growing to help 68 clubs that may enter this 2019 competition. The very first several is going to be played out between the four lowest-seeded automatic qualifiers and also the several lowest-seeded at-large squads, with the those

Who win evolving towards major sketch on the competition.

Any time to view March Madness?

Based on the schedule produced so far, all this commences about March 19 all of which will stop in April eighth. Here’s this list of functions that are to take place prior to these kinds of dates.

Celebration Time frame Location

Initial 4 19 – 20 March Dayton, Oh

1st & 2nd Rounded 21 & 12 March Hartford, Connecticut

Des Moines, Iowa

Jacksonville, California

Salt Sea Metropolis, Utah

twenty-two & all day and March Columbia, South Carolina

Columbus, Oh

Tulsa, Okla.

San Jose, Florida

West Regional March 28 & 30 Anaheim, California

South Regional Louisville, Kentucky

Distance Regional March up to 29 & thirty-one Oregon, Deb. H.

Midwest Local Kansas Area, Missouri

Ultimate A number of Apr 6 Minneapolis, Minnesota

Title 04 8 A final will need place in the Ought . Azines. Standard bank Arena within Minneapolis, Minnesota, the actual fortieth location to be able to sponsor the wedding. As being a fun fact, on the site of the brand-new arena, at this time there were standing the particular Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome which usually did sponsor the final Some within 1992 and 2001. Record the state bracket intended for much more messages.

Where you should Enjoy March Madness?

Enjoying the game this particular returning March won’t be way too hard to accomplish due to the fact you'll find countless programs that you can check out in. In short, the CBS Sports along with Turner Activities would be the sites which have your broadcasting protection under the law, meaning CBS Sports, TBS, TNT, in addition to truTV. This video game titles are to be televised as such:

Initial 4 – upon truTV

Very first and also 2nd Models – on CBS, TBS, TNT, as well as truTV

Local Semifinals as well as Finals – CBS and TBS

Remaining 4 – upon CBS

Tournament – on CBS

How to View March Madness Devoid of Cable connection?

Individuals are generally numerous alternatives to watch the actual golf ball video games this time around as well as hopefully you’ll exploit all of them. Luckily, these include programs which have been easy to find online also.

For those who have any wire deal that also includes these several programs, you’ll be capable of check out the are living for with the aid of the cable qualifications. There’s in addition the option associated with making use of surging providers which characteristic live TV programs, which are aplenty. Plus, this can assist you to discounted vinyl flooring and also cut your cable, hence gaining tons of independence to view TV anywhere you will be – so long as you produce an Internet connection along with a works product.

Loading Products and services

Mentioned previously, you will discover quite a few internet products and services readily available these days, and also they’ll most offer many routes we’re sure you’ll like to check out. In addition, you will discover loads of various other added benefits involved, along with the flexibility that accompany seeing written content on-line.

FuboTV

Fubo TV Overview

Lots fubo ($34. 99/mo primary month, $44. 99/mo after), fubo More ($39. 99/mo 1st calendar month, $49. 99/mo after), fubo Latino ($17. 99/mo), fubo Portuguese ($19. 99/mo)

Creating to order Added funnel packages, Showtime

Unit assistance Roku, Apple TV, Amazon Fire TV, Android TV, iOS, Android, Chrome cast, web browser

DVR 35 time, unrestricted time storage space, expandable for you to 500 hrs by using more element

Trial offer Sure, one week

Visit fuboTV

Towards the top of the particular checklist, we have now fuboTV, any program that has been fashioned with sporting activities followers in mind, offered the actual many sports programs obtainable. It is possible to choose among a number of lots to start off – fubo ($44. 99/mo, $39. 99 with the initial month), fubo Added ($49. 99/mo, $44. 99 for that very first month), fubo Latino ($17. 99/mo), along with fubo Portuguese ($19. 99/mo). There's also an abundance of sales channel packages in addition to premium communities to boost the number of cpa networks readily available.

Luckily, fuboTV houses each of the programs you'll want to observe your March Madness on. You’ll discover CBS Sports, TNT, TBS, in addition to truTV within equally fubo as well as fubo Additional.

In order to ensure you don’t neglect the online games, you possibly can collection fubo TV to help history the item for you. Buyers get 35 several hours regarding cloud DVR storage space, with all the chance of expanding for you to 500 several hours by means of spending $9. 99 each month. With fuboTV, end users can watch articles with two units at once, but incorporating a third stream can even be accomplished when you’ll pay out a number of further cash. Be sure to understand Tech Nadu’s fuboTV evaluate to have everything.

Sling Television

Sling TV SET Summary

Packages Sling Lemon ($25/mo), Sling Violet ($25/mo), Sling Lemon + Azure ($40/mo)

Customization Channel lots (Kids, Athletics, Reports, Way of life, Artist, Heartland, Worldwide, Espanol, Comedy), top quality programs (HBO, Showtime, Starz, Cinemax, Epix, Curiosity Stream, Pantaya, IN PLACE Religion & Loved ones, Dove Sales channel, Stingray Karaoke, Outdoors TV)

Product assist Apple TV, Roku, Amazon Fire TV, Chrome cast, Android TV, AirTV Participant, Xiaomi, LG Sensible Television sets, Samsung Smart Television sets, iOS, Android, Fireplace pills, Console 1, Opera web browser

DVR Nearly 50 several hours, unlimited safe-keeping time period. Expandable by means of another 50 time together with additional characteristic

Free trial version indeed, 7 days

Stop by Sling

Future upwards, there’s Sling TELLY, which in turn is one of the platforms many of us beloved given it presents numerous personalization alternatives. Anyone begin together with several lots you need to select between – Lime ($25/mo), Violet ($25/mo), and Lime + Glowing blue ($40/mo). You may then include quite a few quality sites or perhaps choose almost any interest-based station delivers you’d just like.

As you move the system doesn’t web host CBS, you can view all of those other programs. truTV is actually in Azure along with Lemon + Azure, whilst TNT and also TBS are usually in all several lots.

Sling TELLY gives absolutely no cloud DVR room having its subscribers, therefore you’re gonna have to fork out a supplementary $5 every month regarding 50 hours associated with recordings. You’ll also need to take care which bundle you choose mainly because the amount of simultaneous revenues you’re allowed to work is determined by it. Orange subscribers get a sole steady stream, although Violet buyers get a few, as well as Red + Glowing blue clients obtain some. Always give the Sling TV SET evaluation some sort of understand for getting all the facts you need.

Hulu

Hulu Overview

Packages 1 package deal -- Hulu having Live TV - $39. 99 a month

Personalization Premium programs - HBO, Showtime, Cinemax

System service IOS, Android, Fire TV, Apple TV, Roku, Console, Chrome cast, Samsung Smart Television sets, windows

DVR Endless space for storing, recordings rescued intended for 9 weeks

Risk free Sure, seven days

Visit Hulu

An additional platform that has the particular programs you'll want to watch your March Madness game titles will be Hulu. Greater acknowledged for your video-on-demand assistance it’s also been giving for a long time today, Hulu also offers a reside TELLY insurance policy for $39. 99 each month, which includes entry to many stations along with the total VOD stockpile. Also you can personalize the ongoing a little by adding advanced communities as well as additional sales channel delivers.

Within the major package deal associated with channels Hulu delivers, you’ll discover all programs you need to check out your basketball fits that March – CBS Sports, TNT, TBS, along with truTV.

Hulu even offers end users the chance to record any kind of information they need to this cloud, as well as 50 time involving foreign DVR living space together with every single registration. If you would like much more area, you are able to often pay out an additional $14. 99 monthly to pick up this cap to 190 a long time. Stay TELLY subscribers can watch articles upon a couple equipment at once, but if that’s too few, generally there the particular “Unlimited Screens” option. This costs $14. 99 per month and also will allow a good infinite quantity of simultaneous water ways though connected to the property multilevel, as well as with approximately 3 equipment even though absent. Tech Nadu’s Hulu examine will be hanging around if you wish guidance of what the platform offers some.

 YouTube TV

YouTube TV Overview

Bundles 1 bundle - $40 a month

Modification Top quality programs : AMC Elite, Curiosity Stream, Seibel Baseball In addition, Showtime, Starz, Shiver, Sundance Currently

System support Chrome cast, Roku, Apple TV, Android TV, Xbox 360 system 1, Samsung and LG Clever Tv set, iOS, Android

DVR Unrestricted space for storage, recordings saved for 9 many weeks

Free trial version Yes, few days

Go to YouTube TV

On its way right from your Pile Watch technology massive Alphabet Inc., YouTube TV is actually quick and simple to work with. There’s just one bunch associated with routes to do business with and it fees $40 a month. The cost contains many routes and several rather great incentives. In order to modify that at all, you are able to merely add top quality networks.

YouTube TV’s report on stations contains everything you need – CBS Sports, TNT, TBS, as well as truTV, therefore you’re perfectly protected to view almost all stages in the March Madness.

With YouTube TV, people obtain plenty of perks, you start with the truth that many people are able to appreciate endless impair DVR place. Plus, your recordings produce an cessation time frame collection being unfaithful weeks in the future, so you can observe these people for your own rate. On the subject of simultaneous streams, YouTube TV makes it possible for approximately three gadgets to watch at the same time, that's a significant treat, especially in comparison with other systems where they have to cover of which next supply. Read the YouTube TV examine if you would like more information.

DirecTV At this point

Overview

Packages Reside a little ($35/mo), Perfect ($50/mo), Get Major ($60/mo), Gotta Are ($70/mo), Todo ful Mas ($45/mo)

Personalization A few more sales channel bundles, advanced stations (HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Starz)

System help Apple TV, Chrome cast, Flame TELLY, Roku, Samsung Wise Televisions, iOS, Android, internet browsers

DVR Around 20 several hours, calendar month restrict, absolutely no expansions

Free trial offer Sure, seven days

Go to DirecTV Right now

In place following, we now have DirecTV Currently, the industry good instrument for individuals who need good services along with methods to customize the monthly subscriptions. You will discover a few packages available right here – Dwell just a little ($40/mo), Ideal ($55/mo), Get Big ($65/mo), Got to Contain it ($75/mo), along with To-do y Mas ($45/mo). Once you've that choice made, you are able to make a decision if you wish to put one of the high quality cpa networks available here, or maybe any additional route packs. There are also a few global bundles readily available when you need many community channels far too.

In terms of just what lots to have therefore you have the programs for March Madness, you need to know that will TNT as well as TBS exist in most all 5 bundles. Subsequently, truTV is present in the first a number of bundles – Reside slightly, Just right, Move Major, and also Gotta Contain it, while CBS Sports helps make an overall look in just a couple ones – Proceed Massive and Gotta Have it.

On DirecTV Today, users simply get to take pleasure in 20 hrs. involving fog up DVR place, so that you don’t are able to file an excessive amount content. Even so, it is going to ideally sufficient due to the fact there’s absolutely no way to help develop that restriction. The service makes it possible for users running two simultaneous streams, however 1 / 3 anybody can end up being additional intended for $5 monthly. You should definitely examine Tech Nadu’s DirecTV Right now review.

PlayStation Vue

PlayStation 3 or Xbox Vue Introduction

Lots Accessibility ($44. 99/mo), Core ($49. 99/mo), Top notch ($59. 99/mo), Extremely ($79. 99/mo)

Creating to order Route bundles (sports, Spanish programs, movies), top quality programs (HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, He Little league Plus)

Unit assist Amazon Fire TV, Android TV, Apple TV, Chrome cast, iOS, Android, Roku, PS3 SLIM, PS4, cell phone browser

DVR Up to 500 software programs, 31 days to weeks restrict

Free trial Indeed, 5 times

Stop by PlayStation Vue

Ps Vue will be an additional software used to watch March Madness. The program fascinated people enough it squeezed the best score while in opinions, regarding quite a few good reasons. 1st, you can find a number of packages to start off with – Entry ($44. 99/mo), Central ($49. 99/mo), High level ($59. 99/mo), and Extra ($79. 99/mo). Then, you can include a number of more sales channel delivers, along with top quality networks.

On Dsi Vue, you’ll see that truTV, TNT, and TBS come in all four bundles, while CBS Sports should be only within the last a few – Primary, High level, and also Ultra.

The particular podium makes it possible for end users in order to record as much as 500 applications towards the fog up, that is very impressive, nevertheless the recordings only hang around for the thirty days. The particular support offers a different good feature, permitting customers to observe content about around all 5 devices concurrently, for not any more cost. In addition, Dsi Vue features a Split Monitor feature that allows one to view 3 software programs immediately, for a passing fancy tv screen. Study TechNadu’s Ps3 Vue evaluate to find out more for the subject matter.

[olgagarmash]

More Americans Are Reaching Out For Mental Health Support — But Can’t Get It – NPR

For many Americans who struggle with depression, anxiety or other mood disorders, cost remains a major hurdle to getting treatment, according to a survey published by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. ljubaphoto/Getty Images hide caption

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ljubaphoto/Getty Images

For many Americans who struggle with depression, anxiety or other mood disorders, cost remains a major hurdle to getting treatment, according to a survey published by the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

ljubaphoto/Getty Images

Ever since Marty Parrish was 17, he has struggled with bouts of major depression.

“It tends to run in cycles,” recalls the resident, now 58, of Johnston, Iowa, a suburb of Des Moines. “When I’m on medication, and medication is working, my symptoms are alleviated.”

But his symptoms would often return when he had to stop taking medication because of side effects from long-term use. Finding a new medication that worked could take weeks or even months, he says, during which he’d find himself slipping back “into a brain fog, in a dark hole of depression.”

Eventually his mental illness cost him his marriage, business and home. And his treatment came to a halt.

“I could go to a free county mental health clinic and see a counselor, or a therapist,” he says. “I could even get a prescription for medication, but I couldn’t pay for the medication.”

For many Americans who, like Parrish, live with a mood disorder, cost remains a major hurdle to accessing mental health care, according to a survey on mood disorders published this week by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI.

Over half of the survey’s respondents (which included people living with mood disorders and their caregivers) said that cost prevents them from trying a treatment they’re interested in, says psychiatrist Ken Duckworth, NAMI’s chief medical officer.

Cost was also the reason for discontinuing treatment for about a quarter of the respondents who were able to get care.

Even finding a mental health care provider can be hard

The survey also revealed that many people don’t even know how to find mental health support.

“Forty-eight percent are unsure if they’re eligible to receive care, and nearly as many are unsure about how to access services,” Duckworth says.

“All of those issues are barriers to care,” notes Sika Yeboah-Sampong, a staff attorney at the advocacy group Legal Action Center who works with a New York state program to expand access to addiction and mental health services.

For one, many people with mood disorders are unemployed and uninsured, says David Lloyd, a senior policy adviser at the mental health advocacy group the Kennedy Forum.

“Some of these conditions — they’re particularly disabling [and] can result in people being unemployed,” he says. Losing insurance that way is not uncommon.

But even for people with Medicaid or private health insurance, getting access to therapy and other kinds of mental health support remains complicated, hard to navigate and expensive, Yeboah-Sampong says.

For one, insurers’ directories for in-network mental health care providers “aren’t always accurate or up to date,” she says. It’s not uncommon to find names of providers there who have died, moved away or retired.

And even accurate in-network listings for mental health tend to be small.

Why aren’t more therapists in network?

“One reason that the lists are narrow, it’s that historically reimbursement rates for mental health providers have been much lower than for physical health providers,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

That continues to be true, according to a 2019 analysis by Milliman, a risk management company.

As a result, a large proportion of therapists and psychiatrists are out of network, she says, and in-network providers are often overworked with long waitlists.

All of this forces people with a mental illness to seek out-of-network care.

“What we see all the time is either a plan doesn’t have any out-of-network benefit at all — in which case you’re paying completely out of pocket — or the much higher cost-sharing for the out-of-network provider,” Lloyd says. That can deter families from reaching out to get the help they need.

Why patients often ration their use of mental health care

Patients will instead pay for as long as they can — say two to three months — “and then, the funds run out, and they have no care,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

Ultimately, these hurdles to getting mental health care produce a lack of parity between insurance coverage of mental and physical health, she adds, despite the 2008 Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, which requires insurers to cover mental health the same way they cover physical health.

“There’s just a lack of enforcement [of] the federal parity law,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

Any money insurers save there shows up as other costs, Lloyd notes — untreated mental illness is closely linked to poorer physical health. And then, there are costs associated with disability and unemployment. “And of course, we’ve seen huge spikes in fatal overdoses over the last year,” he adds.

With the rise in mental health symptoms during the pandemic, he says, it’s even more urgent to improve access to care for everybody. People are now more open to discussing their mental health, this week’s survey notes.

People who do get treatment find it helpful

“The public is beginning to recognize in a new way that mental health is a health care priority, and a large percentage of people seem to appreciate that it could happen to anyone,” Duckworth says.

The survey also found that when people were able to get treatment, the majority — 70% — found it helpful.

After years of homelessness, Parrish was eventually able to get the mental health support — including the medications — he needed to get his health and life back. He credits his recovery to the undying support of one person in his life.

“I ultimately found support in an individual who later became my wife — who understood the challenges [I] faced,” he says. She “was down there with me, even to the point of assisting by taking me to appointments, to make sure that I got my medications.”

source https://wealthch.com/more-americans-are-reaching-out-for-mental-health-support-but-cant-get-it-npr/

[acyborgkitty]

I just finished watching Jennifer Brea’s incredible documentary Unrest on Netflix. Watch it now. Everyone should. 

My story.

I became ill suddenly, and severely, in September (I think) of 2016. I had just moved to Providence in August from San Francisco, without my partner of 10+ years, to take a teaching job at Brown University. I was teaching a poetry workshop for Frequency Writers, a community writing group, as well as a class I developed for Brown’s Literary Arts department, Experimental Poets of Color. Providence is a city I love, and even though the gig was adjunct (i.e. no job security, no health insurance, etc.) I wanted to be in Providence, and I wanted to be teaching in my fiend. I had health insurance through the ACA at the time, and though I had been diagnosed with several mental illnesses many years before (major depression and general and social anxiety disorders) I felt that my hearth was well managed with the medication I was on. 

I was so happy to be back in Providence, I would walk for hours around the city, sometimes 7 miles in one stretch, listening to music and books. I was thrilled to be teaching the class I desperately wish I had been able to take at any point in my education (which includes three masters degrees), and to be nearer to my friends and family who live in Boston and the surrounding areas. I missed my partner, but we’ve been long distance for much of our relationship (the price of being an artist in academia), and it seemed like he was getting ready to leave San Francisco and head back east himself. 

It was the second meeting, I think, of the Frequency open poetry workshop. It was Wednesday night. I walked to the community gallery space on Carpenter St. where we held our meetings early, unlocked the doors, and made myself some tea. It was a normal night. At some point during the workshop I started to feel exhausted, sick, like I was getting a cold. I pushed through, but took a Lyft home. I woke up the next day and still felt bad. Worse, even. I cancelled that day’s class and stayed in bed. By the next week I still wasn’t feeling any better. I went to the CVS clinic to see if I had the flu, which was going around and apparently quite bad that year. I didn’t, I was told it was just a bad cold, and to take some cough suppressant for the bad cough. 

I thought maybe I wasn’t sleeping well - I was tired all the time - and maybe that was making the cold last longer than normal. I had had (undiagnosed) chronic pain for years which had started in 2007 in my first year in grad school. It was especially bad in my neck and lower back, so I had spent years and a lot of money finding a really good mattress. But I had housemates that were young, noisy, up late, so I invested in an eye mask, noise-cancelling headphones that I slept in, and a white noise machine. I had to teach my classes, but I would show up, teach, and come immediately back home and stay in bed until I had to teach the next class. I spent several weeks like this, thinking it was just a cold, until someone pointed out that colds, even very bad ones, don’t last for several weeks. 

I made an appointment with my primary care doctor in Boston. I’ve struggled finding doctors that take me seriously, like most women and non binary people I imagine, especially with chronic and challenging illnesses. This doctor listened to me, and was gentle, and that was pretty much all I could hope for. He examined me, and tested me for mono, strep, walking pneumonia (which I’d had before, and which was basically the closest comparable experience I had). I had none of them. Then we tested my thyroid, my B12 levels, and my immune functions. He found nothing wrong with me. 

A digression on chronic pain, including a digression on trauma.

I had gone down a diagnostic wormhole several years ago when I’d first started getting tests to see if we could find an underlying cause for my chronic pain. It started in Iowa City, where I did my second graduate degree, and included MRIs, x-rays, testing for immunological disorders, cancers, and basically anything they could think of. Eventually I was referred to a psychologist, because they determined my pain might be a physical manifestation of trauma. And I’d had my share of trauma.

A digression on trauma. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother who, though never diagnosed, meets all of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. I ran away from home as a teenager, living on the streets for most of a year, before re-establishing a relationship with my family, primarily my father who helped me get an apartment, back into school, and eventually into college. At that point my mother re-entered the picture, and my father stopped helping me pay for college, so I worked sometimes as many as 5 jobs while completing my undergraduate degree. I met my partner in undergrad, and he has been an immense help for me in recovering from my trauma, but like so many who were experienced long-term abuse as children, I probably will never be un-affected by my experiences. 

So the trauma angle seemed at least plausible to me, and I went to a year’s worth of sessions with two different people, one a psychologist who specialized in and studied the manifestation of trauma as physical pain, and another who practiced CBT and meditative mindfulness therapy. Both helped immensely with my emotional state, but my pain persisted. So when I moved away for my third graduate degree (my first move to Providence) I transferred care and we started the diagnostics all over again. This time I saved all my records - I have my MRIs and my X-rays still in some box somewhere. We did CAT scans and I went to scores of specialists including  an orthopedic surgeon who recommended surgery; a chiropractor who works with the Boston Ballet Company who diagnosed me as hyper-flexible and gave me strengthening exercises to do that actually seemed to help somewhat; and a neurologist who found nothing wrong with me at all. After four years of referrals and diagnostics, I found a integrative care physician who listened to me break down in her office, prescribed an anti-depressant that is also a sedative to help me fall asleep, and helped me come up with a plan to manage the pain. Massage, chiropractor, walking and stretching, the anti-depressants, 800mg Ibuprofen when I needed it, and Vicodin when nothing else helped. 

After all of this, I wasn’t eager to go down another diagnostic chase. 

Back to 2016.

By this point it was the middle of November. I was so sick that I couldn’t feed myself, I couldn’t do laundry, I couldn’t leave the house except for to teach, and then I spent the next 24-48 hours recovering mostly in bed from the fatigue it caused me. I was experiencing sever cognitive deficiencies, most notably my ability to process and retain information, and my ability to speak. It felt like I had dementia, or what I imagine dementia to feel like. I would read the same sentence over and over again and not understand it, or not remember it when I started the next one. I would fight to get up to go into the kitchen, only to forget what I was there for. Did I need water? Had I fed the cat? Did I need to use the bathroom? My father and brother were taking turns coming down to my house to prepare food for me for the week, and to get my groceries, and to do my laundry. I needed help with everything. I could do one, maybe two things in a given day. Those things included brushing my teeth and feeding the cat. 

I couldn’t even research my condition, given my cognitive symptoms. I was angry, and many days I felt like it would be better to die. I couldn’t read or write, so I took up embroidery as a way to try to keep my life worth living, a way to keep making art. 

In January, 2017 when my partner came to visit for his winter break, we went to my doctor together. I couldn’t remember the questions he wanted me to ask, and I couldn’t have remembered the answers anyway, and I certainly couldn’t get myself there and back without help, so him coming was the only way I was going to get there. I don’t remember much of the appointment, but I do remember my doctor suggested that I might be experiencing a severe prolonged depressive episode. Based on my previous diagnosis of depression. Based on the fact that there seemed to be nothing wrong with me, physically. 

My partner didn’t buy it. I sort of did, or at least I didn’t have the energy to dispute it. My partner started researching, aggressively, and a few months later he came up with something. Maybe, he said, it was my copper IUD. Maybe I had copper toxicity. My doctor said that was impossible, that the IUD can’t cause copper toxicity, but my symptoms aligned, and there are thousands of women on the internet who have experienced copper poisoning from their IUD. So one day in April, my best friend took me to the hospital and I had mine removed. The next day, I felt better. Not 100% better, but maybe 40% better. The next day my partner and I went for a walk, the first time in almost a year I had felt able to do that. 

I kept feeling better. Not getting better, but I stayed feeling about 40% better. A few days I felt almost entirely myself, but then the next day I would be exhausted again. I could do things, but if I pushed too hard, I would collapse and pay for it for days. I learned about spoons, and disability culture and activism. I learned about setting my limits, and prioritizing. I said no to almost everything, because almost nothing was worth the risk of incapacitation for me. 

My brain started to recover too - I could read. I started writing in my journal, not poetry but at least writing of some sort. I felt hopeful that I was recovering. We bought a house, a big old Victorian that needs TLC, and I moved in there with 4 other queer artist friends. I didn’t get the tenure-track job at Brown, but I did get another adjunct offer to teach Book Arts, and I accepted - something I definitely couldn’t have done at my sickest, given that it’s a 15-hr a week studio course. 

But now, a year post-removal, my memory is still a problem. And I still get exhausted a lot. A lot more than I used to, before I got sick. But the anecdotal evidence on the copper IUD detox forums says that it could take years to fully process the toxicity out of your system. The most severe days might be attributed to “dumps” - when the body releases stored copper all at once - and those days feel like my worst ones did when I was at my sickest. I had thought that when I felt better, I would start to do things again, go to poetry readings, have dinner with friends, go for walks, be part of the community I’d moved here because I loved. But I still say no to most things, or write them down in my calendar and don’t go. I know that if I push too hard, I’ll pay for it for days. And “too hard” is a moving target - it changes seemingly randomly, and I don’t know when I’m approaching it until it’s too late. Then I’m in bed for days. 

I’ve been having an especially bad few days. Maybe a week. Maybe more. My memory, my brain isn’t good at sequence anymore, or keeping track of time. It’s frustrating, because I can’t keep track of my own symptoms. Sometimes I remember to write them down, and sometimes I forget, or am too tired. And there’s no one here to watch me, or help me - my partner doesn’t move here until June. Today, for example, I got up at 11 and I fed the cats. And I was so tired that I lay down, and just...passed out. I don’t remember falling back asleep, but then I woke up at 6 pm. I fed the cats again, and then had to go back to bed. The last week has been similar: do just what is necessary, then back to bed. It feels like I’m sick all over again. 

I have had my period, which can be associated with copper dumps. I’m not saying it’s not copper “dumps,” or that it’s isn’t related to copper poisoning. But I watched Unrest and thought: “maybe this is what I have, too?” So many of those scenes were heartbreakingly familiar. I wept through most of it, because Jennifer was saying the things that I’d been feeling. About feeling like it was a good day when all I had done was survived it. About feeling like my life had ended, and that I had a new one now, one that sometimes didn’t feel like a life at all, but one that I still didn’t want to give up. About not being listened to, about not being believed. I wept at the thought of having a diagnosis, after all this time. Of maybe finally at least knowing what is wrong with me. Maybe.

But I don’t know how to find out. I don’t currently have health insurance, because the premium on my ACA policy from last year went up by 50% and I couldn’t afford it anymore, and adjuncts at Brown who teach fewer than 4 classes a year don’t get health insurance, and I’m only teaching 3, and I am barely able to do that; this semester teaching 2 classes took every bit of energy I had. I will get health insurance starting in September when my partner starts his new job in Providence, and maybe then I can get some answers. If I have the energy for it.

My story doesn’t have an ending yet. I’m in bed, as I have been all day. Writing this was the most writing I’ve done since I got sick. I’m grateful for that. It feels like, thanks to the work that Jennifer has done, an important story is at least starting to be told. Not just mine, but one that is shared by millions. 

[cowboyjen68]

Can you tell us a little more about adoption? Your post made me think you fostered your son before adopting and it’s something my wife and I have considered. What was your experience like? Are all of your kids adopted? Sorry if you’ve answered these questions before and don’t feel obligated to share anything you/your family aren’t comfortable sharing! Just curious since we’ve considered going that route.

I have probably answered before but i have never been able to get my search tags to work correctly.

We became foster parents specifically to foster Rob, he was the nephew of a friend so we had met him. Since we were licensed, and the foster care system is over whelmed with kids needing placement, we started to get kids on day one.  Keep in mind i DID NOT want to be a parent, at all, ever. But my wife at the time would not give up and at least I liked Robert. Getting sucked in my a desperate system sucked. 

It is the system and the biological families that are just as problematic as the children. I would say do it or don’t do it but make an informed and realistic decision. I love my kids (we adopted 5 total, but at 12 DJ became too dangerous and mentally unstable with others so we relinquished adoption so he could get treatment and be reunited with other bio family).  

Three of the 4 have now moved back in (Lori 14, Corbin 20, Rob 23 and Hunter 23. My oldest daughter is 23 and lives about 25 minutes away. Hunter was 16 when he came and adopting him would have lost him healthcare at 21 and lots of other monetary help so I just became guardian. 

I hated foster parenting. BUT my ex was not always great. She suffered a lot of trauma as a kid and had high expectations about parenting, i was a realist 

For many of my lesbian friends, it worked out. Our mistake was wanting to help so many so badly. A few i am still very close to and they tell me we changed their life for the better but it did not feel that way. 

Here are my tips and some observations

Kids will not be grateful, adopted, foster, or biological. They are just small people with thoughts and dreams of their own and yet little control. It is easier to understand when they act out if you place yourself in their exact moment and how out of control you would feel.

NEVER believe the lie that even other adopted parents will tell you that adopted kids and biological kids are the same as far as bonding. MAYBE if you get a tiny baby, but in my experience it is not the same. Not worse or better but different. I definitely see my kids as independent dependents with unique dreams that are not the same as I have and many bio parents see kids as an extension of them. AND our relationship is not the same. It just isn’t.

Say “NO” to kids that give red flags, Learn what questions to ask. Past aggression to kids or pets? What meds? Allergies? What role with bio parents play? Bed wetter? Predatory behavior? (they will omit this if they can)  Not any one of these  are deal breakers but you need a realistic grasp on the child. Many foster kids are just like the average kid but toss in the stress and separation and any one of us would be jerks so try to get a story about then pre foster. Sadly, if they have been in multiple homes ..just don’t.. you will be no different no matter how good you are. 

Stick to “foster to adopt kids” not “foster with a maybe”.  Don’t be afraid of older kids. Kayla and Corbin were 7 and 10. We experienced normal teen stuff with them but they are good kids (young adults now). DO NOT fall for “sibling group”. Check into the dynamics. Some siblings groups have never actually lived together and have no connection. IMPORTANT: Blood relation to each other DOES NOT mean healthy or caring relationship.. siblings can be the cause of trauma. The workers can get “passes” for a house to take more than they are licensed for and they know it  DON’T fall for it. Investigate.

Have your own lawyer and talk with them Pre placement. IF even one child accuses you of wrong doing (and teens figure this out real quick) the system is obligated to investigate EVEN though they know it is manipulative BS. That is why you should check on multiple placements. It happened to us after 12 years. It took 90 days to clear us with zero evidence a clearly vengeful child and all of our other kids telling the truth. They up rooted our fosters and tried to remove the adopted. We had a 12 year good record. The 2nd they cleared up I refused the kids coming back and we quit forever .ALL support workers and DHS lawyers will turn on you the second there is an accusation. His accusation was that we didn’t allow him enough food and his room was messy. (we caught him sneaking in drugs and took his phone).

The best way to avoid that. Don’t take more than you can handle. One kid who is a lot of trouble is manageable with two good parents and often that is what the child needs.. attention, support and to know they are important in the family dynamic. Any age kid can be wonderful or terrible. It is possible to find one or a few you really “click with”. Ask to do respite care for a few weekends but don’t always make big plans. Have them to dinner, hang out etc. See how they fit. This is not always possible. 

This part SUCKS but if a child is stressing you they are stressed. GIVE a 10 day removal notice if you feel things are not working.  I am not saying give up the second the child has a fit or talks back.. but you start to get a gut feeling.. listen to it.  You are not a bad person for not being able to handle all kids. 

All that is realism and I am sorry if it sound negative. My regret is that we didn’t just stick with Robert alone, at least for a while. He deserved two moms fully focused on him. My ex would not stop.. she took so many kids and was a “stay at home mom” but that meant I worked two jobs plus did the majority of house work and home work and i was too exhausted to put actual time into bonding. It affected all of us. BUT I also DO NOT regret the kids  I have. Rob, Kayla and Corbin ALL went back to their bio families at 18.. VERY typical.. But they came back around and  we are close. I like having them live here now. (MOSTLY). Lori has my whole heart and we share so much love and fun, despite the hard stuff like messy room (gross) and homework battles. 

Weekend respite is a great way to see if you like the parenting OR the idea of parenting. Plus the kids get a break from their foster homes and they tend to be on their best behavior. You can settle for the “cool Aunts” if that suits better. We did respite care for several kids for many years, even after they were adopted. Some have remained good friends with my kids. Like cousins.

Be upfront with each other about feelings with each child and keep talking. Don’t  ignore gut feelings and don’t lie to your partner about a child stressing you out. USE weekend respite care for your placements. You need a break. Make sure to ask about all the resources. In Iowa you get clothing allowances, a monthly care subsidy, paid day care, school supplies and lunches for free. We were covered by home insurance so if a child (even just doing normal kid stuff) damaged the home it was fully covered. DHS does not volunteer that so you have to ask. All kids come will full state insurance for healthy,dental and eye but you have to find medial care takers that accept the insurance. Sorry this is long but you need as much information as you can get to make the right decision for your family. If we had adopted one and done and quit my story would be vastly different.

As far as two lesbians being foster parents, the workers were so happy to have placement room they did not care as long as we were good

[olgagarmash]

For many Americans who struggle with depression, anxiety or other mood disorders, cost remains a major hurdle to getting treatment, according to a survey published by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. ljubaphoto/Getty Images hide caption

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ljubaphoto/Getty Images

For many Americans who struggle with depression, anxiety or other mood disorders, cost remains a major hurdle to getting treatment, according to a survey published by the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

ljubaphoto/Getty Images

Ever since Marty Parrish was 17, he has struggled with bouts of major depression.

“It tends to run in cycles,” recalls the resident, now 58, of Johnston, Iowa, a suburb of Des Moines. “When I’m on medication, and medication is working, my symptoms are alleviated.”

But his symptoms would often return when he had to stop taking medication because of side effects from long-term use. Finding a new medication that worked could take weeks or even months, he says, during which he’d find himself slipping back “into a brain fog, in a dark hole of depression.”

Eventually his mental illness cost him his marriage, business and home. And his treatment came to a halt.

“I could go to a free county mental health clinic and see a counselor, or a therapist,” he says. “I could even get a prescription for medication, but I couldn’t pay for the medication.”

For many Americans who, like Parrish, live with a mood disorder, cost remains a major hurdle to accessing mental health care, according to a survey on mood disorders published this week by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI.

Over half of the survey’s respondents (which included people living with mood disorders and their caregivers) said that cost prevents them from trying a treatment they’re interested in, says psychiatrist Ken Duckworth, NAMI’s chief medical officer.

Cost was also the reason for discontinuing treatment for about a quarter of the respondents who were able to get care.

Even finding a mental health care provider can be hard

The survey also revealed that many people don’t even know how to find mental health support.

“Forty-eight percent are unsure if they’re eligible to receive care, and nearly as many are unsure about how to access services,” Duckworth says.

“All of those issues are barriers to care,” notes Sika Yeboah-Sampong, a staff attorney at the advocacy group Legal Action Center who works with a New York state program to expand access to addiction and mental health services.

For one, many people with mood disorders are unemployed and uninsured, says David Lloyd, a senior policy adviser at the mental health advocacy group the Kennedy Forum.

“Some of these conditions — they’re particularly disabling [and] can result in people being unemployed,” he says. Losing insurance that way is not uncommon.

But even for people with Medicaid or private health insurance, getting access to therapy and other kinds of mental health support remains complicated, hard to navigate and expensive, Yeboah-Sampong says.

For one, insurers’ directories for in-network mental health care providers “aren’t always accurate or up to date,” she says. It’s not uncommon to find names of providers there who have died, moved away or retired.

And even accurate in-network listings for mental health tend to be small.

Why aren’t more therapists in network?

“One reason that the lists are narrow, it’s that historically reimbursement rates for mental health providers have been much lower than for physical health providers,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

That continues to be true, according to a 2019 analysis by Milliman, a risk management company.

As a result, a large proportion of therapists and psychiatrists are out of network, she says, and in-network providers are often overworked with long waitlists.

All of this forces people with a mental illness to seek out-of-network care.

“What we see all the time is either a plan doesn’t have any out-of-network benefit at all — in which case you’re paying completely out of pocket — or the much higher cost-sharing for the out-of-network provider,” Lloyd says. That can deter families from reaching out to get the help they need.

Why patients often ration their use of mental health care

Patients will instead pay for as long as they can — say two to three months — “and then, the funds run out, and they have no care,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

Ultimately, these hurdles to getting mental health care produce a lack of parity between insurance coverage of mental and physical health, she adds, despite the 2008 Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, which requires insurers to cover mental health the same way they cover physical health.

“There’s just a lack of enforcement [of] the federal parity law,” Yeboah-Sampong says.

Any money insurers save there shows up as other costs, Lloyd notes — untreated mental illness is closely linked to poorer physical health. And then, there are costs associated with disability and unemployment. “And of course, we’ve seen huge spikes in fatal overdoses over the last year,” he adds.

With the rise in mental health symptoms during the pandemic, he says, it’s even more urgent to improve access to care for everybody. People are now more open to discussing their mental health, this week’s survey notes.

People who do get treatment find it helpful

“The public is beginning to recognize in a new way that mental health is a health care priority, and a large percentage of people seem to appreciate that it could happen to anyone,” Duckworth says.

The survey also found that when people were able to get treatment, the majority — 70% — found it helpful.

After years of homelessness, Parrish was eventually able to get the mental health support — including the medications — he needed to get his health and life back. He credits his recovery to the undying support of one person in his life.

“I ultimately found support in an individual who later became my wife — who understood the challenges [I] faced,” he says. She “was down there with me, even to the point of assisting by taking me to appointments, to make sure that I got my medications.”

via Wealth Health

[beatricetate89-blog]

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9. Fred Daniel & Sons Inc Insurance

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Insurance Terms Ongoing Operations

Insurance Terms Ongoing Operations Ongoing Operations are the right way for each individual, insurance provider and provider to form a partnership to provide insurance coverage to our customers from a variety of angles.  It’s easy to forget one of the most important reasons to go into a long time in one business and want to make insurance easier. By combining the needs of two business entities, you can be sure every issue you deal with will come via your personal insurance carrier. If you have established your office or your business in a business, or are a business owner, you may be sure to have a good combination of auto, house and life insurance, and you’ll be prepared for the unforeseen by providing all of that protection to your own business. This article will cover the most common kinds of insurance coverage – and will also discuss how to keep it from becoming a burden to your financial assets, while also reducing your insurance risk by doing what best suits your needs. You just need the right company, and the.

2. Insurance Auto Auctions Inc

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