#and one of them is like 10hrs and it’s a new job and i’m still trying to get used to everything

[hun-whatreyoutalkinbout]

I work literally less than 10hrs a week but I still somehow feel overextended and discombobulated w how much I’ve got on my plate. I think the problem is that I don’t have a routine and that I do my work all over the place. It adds up when students cancel/reschedule/add sessions all the time, when my work schedule always exists in an unstable limbo. And then I do p good at maintaining a regular climbing schedule but I’m always having to hit up different folks when my normal ppl are busy, it’s p consistent on the days and times I climb but not who I’m climbing with. And also I’m tryna build friendships and date?? We hang out every once in a while as a group, but I want to spend more one-on-one time w these friends I’ve made here and it’s hard to find the time when I want to hang out with all 5 of them individually on top of as a group. And I’m dating w the ultimate goal of finding a partner (I’ve never sought a partner before and I feel weird about it but it’s the reality), and so I go out w someone for a while and they’re cool and I enjoy them but they’re not someone I’d want to date officially, so I move on from them and start meeting new people to keep looking, but then they’re still there!! And they want to hang out still, and then I’ve got like 4 guys who I don’t want to date hitting me up. And it’s like, I like them too much to be like “hey you’re not it, I don’t have the time for you” , ultimately ‘breaking up’ with them, so they also live in this limbo of like, too good to leave, not good enough to stay. I should actually just let them know I don’t have the time for them but I don’t want to burn bridges, I still want (some of) them in my life but like, maybe once every couple months… I do really love having weekdays free, but I wonder if going back to a 9-5 desk job would help me. I feel like my mind is clearer when I’m sitting at a desk doing work, with my 3 to do lists right in front of me, not running around changing locales. My life is so much more scattered than when I lived at a desk, all my friends lived in my phone/computer which I had neatly in front of me at my desk, I got my social interaction texting all day at work at my desk, and just didn’t exercise at all, lmao. And also the client-based nature of my job really isn’t for me, this is obvious (but im enjoying the work itself rn and I’m gonna deal w next career moves eventually, I’m on track w my plan for this) And, idk if it’s just cause it’s what I’m used to, but text friends is so much easier than irl friends. Managing my social calendar is getting harder. I’m tired of dating around

[stellarcoachman]

A little update on... everything, I guess. I moved to a place I can live temporarily that’s close to my new job! It’s not great, but it’s shelter and my dog is allowed, so I can’t complain. I started my new job yesterday, and boy is it gonna be fun getting used to 10hr shifts again. I’m so tired. I’m still broke as fuck, but I think (?) I’m gonna be ok. I can pay all my bills and I have, like, a little money for food. I did spend more on dog food at the grocery store tonight than I did on human food... Priorities! My Boy has to eat!

As far as writing goes, I’ve been taking a bit of a break and just editing and posting the stuff that’s backlogged. I have the sequel to Rerouted fully written (It’s pretty short), but I’m not completely happy with it, so it’ll be a few days before that starts coming out while I tweak it. I also have the first four chapters of the (as yet unnamed) offshoot story written, but that one’s gonna end up being long. And lastly, I have two more unrelated stories partially written that I’m very excited about, but I need to figure out what I’m doing with them.

With my new job, it’s very possible that updates will slow down. I was only keeping the once a day schedule because I could, but if that’s no longer true, I will slow it down as much as needed. Don’t worry, though. I intend to see everything I start through to the end, even if it takes a little longer.

[ghostfishk]

i’m just so exhausted all the time. i pulled a 10hr shift today, on my own accord i didn’t have to stay but for the sake of my coworkers holy shit i’m so “glad” i did.

i feel like i’m going through so much and so little all at once. i’ve hit a totally new level of dissociation and burnout and the feeling of not having one there for me is only adding to the fire.

why is it when i’m finally able to feel romanic attraction again is it a crush on a coworker who i’m 98% sure is a straight man, and who i’ve known for all of 5 months? what kind of sick game is that? and even in the off chance he isn’t 100% straight, im still afraid, afraid i’ll be hurt or hurt someone the way that’s happened in all of my relationships before. afraid that he’ll see my naive pre-everything trans masc existence as a cute fun fetish to explore. because that’s all i see on the internet, cis man x trans man, but the cis man only sees the trans guy as anything but a man. and i don’t know if i can handle that. i’m so afraid. all the time. about what people think of me, if i said the right thing, if people are laughing because im genuinely funny or if im the joke. what if i cling on to fast and it pushes people away. because i will be the first to admit i get attached incredibly easily. 5 months i’ve known these people. and they make me never want to quit this dead end bullshit retail job. because the job is a job. usual same thing every day, stuff i don’t have to put a lot of thought into. but the people. the people put the thought into it. both in the best and worst ways. i feel comfortable around all the afab people. i feel like they’ll judge me a lot less. but i’m so afraid of how the amab/cis men perceive me. do they see me as just a guy? some weird femboy or tomboy? i know me being trans makes them act different toward me. especially in the way they joke around.

i always feel like i have to insert myself into thier conversations. and i know part of that is because they have known all eachother a bit longer but, i hate feeling like if i don’t include myself, then i just won’t be included. i always feel like im looked over. the bottom priority. the last person picked for a task. sent on all the side quests that everyone else is to good for. and it’s just, exhausting. i just want to feel included but not because i made myself included. because people want to include me. but i really don’t know if that’ll ever happen.

9/1/24

[kisssatoru]

17 Questions for 17 People

— was tagged by @skelemen and felt like this was necessary just to get to know me better (btw tysm for tagging meee)<3

1. Nicknames: nini (nothing else really 😭)

2. Zodiac: capricorn sun, cancer moon, virgo rising (recipe for disaster if you ask me)

3. Height: 5’5/5’6 (recently found this out & never been more shook in my life — i really went all my life believing i was 5’2…the wildness)

4. Last thing I googled: “why do police always pull over sports cars” (and when i found out why i felt sooo dumb bc it’s obviously either bc they’re curious about the car or know that the driver will speed bc sports cars are designed for that LOL the more you know smh)

5. Song stuck in my head: poltergeist! by corpse (also never satisfied by corpse & in the middle by tokyos revenge)

6.Number of people you follow: 23! haven’t posted any of my work yet so that’s to be expected (meaning i rly only want to follow certain writers and let the rest come to me if they want the mutuals)

7. Amount of sleep you get: i usually get like 10hrs but sometimes i’ll slide by with 4/5 hours (one time i slept for almost 18hrs…so if i’m left alone with no obligations for the day, i’ll sleep the day away fr — if i’m not playing games or sumn)

8. Lucky numbers: 5 and only 5 :))

9. Dream job: i thought it was being a psychologist but i’ve recently realized that even tho it’s going to be hard, i want to still pursue writing and being an author because it’s my real passion :”) wanna be good enough to get some of my work published and hopefully have some turned into movies or shows :0 i’d genuinely pass away for an opportunity like that LOL

10. What are you currently wearing: a black zoro hoodie (gotta rep my bb), black sweatpants, black/white converse with black socks (my fav colour is black so…)

11. Movies/books that summarize me: hmm no movies or books but poets like ranata suzuki, r.h. sin and haruki murakami that all have this beautiful way of speaking and describing love, having unique outlooks on love/heartbreak and someone’s individuality. i find their work really beautiful, and often read my favourite quotes from them over and over just because !

12. What is your favourite instrument: definitely either a violin, flute or piano!

13. Favourite song right now: warning by nbdy

14. Describe your aesthetic: i would say alt! or comfy? idk, i’m just usually in all black or other dark, neutral colours, definitely someone that just prefers comfy and dark anything (tho sometimes i’ll get this rly weird urge to do a pink theme…)

15. Favourite author: myself ;) i actually don’t know tho

16. Favourite animal noise: ok when kittens or puppies fall asleep and make those little noises? idk how to explain but omfg i melt every single time or when puppies want something and they do that little begging thing kind of like “nn nn nn” IDK IM BAD AT EXPLAINING STUFF BUT ITS SO CUTE PLS

17. Random fact about myself: i don’t usually initiate a convo with someone i like but when it comes to ppl with fluffy hair and dark eyes 🧍🏽‍♀️suddenly my confidence is through the roof and i feel like i can conquer the entire world LOL IDK WHAT IT ISSHHJS

17 is a lot of ppl to tag when you’re a new acc again so ummm here’s a few: @arcanedevil @aki-and-saltfish @broken-freedom <33

17 Questions for 17 People

Tagged by @sheseestheghosts. It's been so long since I've done one of theses.

1. Nicknames: Kat, skeleman, the skelemanager

2. Zodiac: Aqua Sun, Pisces Moon, Gemini Rising

3. Height: 5'3" (probably actually 5'2" but give me that extra inch)

4. Last thing I Googled: Prophylaxis Dental -- I just had a dentist appointment today 

5. Song stuck in my head: fuK u lol by Corpse

6. Number of people you follow: 48 -- I'm still getting back into the swing of things

7. Amount of sleep you get: It really depends. I can sometimes sleep for 10 hours for a few days, and then the next few days I only sleep like 4 hours.

8. Lucky numbers: 16

9. Dream job: Published author that gets to write for a living and rely solely on that income

10. What are you currently wearing: Corpse hoodie, no pants, socks, a blanket. I'm big chilling.

11. Movies/books that summarize me: I honestly have no clue. I would say the books I write myself would summarize me the best since I put pieces of myself into each one.

12. What is your favorite instrument: I have no clue. I'm very much not musically inclined

13. Favorite song right now: Out of Touch

14. Describe your aesthetic: Alt? I guess. I don't know what my aesthetic is. I wear all black, my hair is usually colored most of the time. We can go with alternative trash panda.

15. Favorite author: Probably tied between Neil Gaiman and Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

16. Favorite animal noise: NOISE? Uhhhhh..... I guess tiny kitten squeaks.

17. Random fact about myself: I have never broken a bone before, but I really want to know what it feels like. I don't want to actually break a bone, but I want to know what it's like.

I definitely don't have 17 people to tag, so I will tag who I can:

@alienbaby @eternalawakenings @escuinclebrandon @earthdomdirtbag @kisssatoru @yourblackhearts

[jho-seok]

Lmao guess who denied one shift at work and then cried for an hour cause the manager called me and sounded disappointed in me

[marvelousb]

7.10.21

Back again, baby is napping only momentarily I’m sure. I need to vent today about several things so this post might be very scattered and as always, full of fussy baby pauses... 

To start, my in laws came over today, which is par for the course I suppose when you have a new baby... my husband told them to wash their hands when they came in as little guy hasn’t had any shots yet and I’m slightly a germaphobe. It’s also the thing to do... They also smoke so I find it just common courtesy to wash your hands. Well, they said no and he didn’t push the issue, so they just didn’t wash their hands. He and I argued about it after they left and he’s now turned it into me ‘always needing an issue with his family’ when my main goal is just the safety of our little guy. (Fussy baby pause). If you’re thinking “you could’ve pushed it yourself whine ass” you’re right... but I don’t want to be “that mom” or “that daughter in law” who is always coming after them about this or that. We have these rules in place for a reason and my family follows them without issue, so I guess I just wish they had taken the thirty seconds to wash their hands. That’s all. 

Next on my list of complaints, this fucking biostatistics course. I’m not sure if any of you are math wizards out there but if you are, I’m calling on you to send magic to me so I don’t fail this course. I’m sitting RIGHT below passing right now but we still have three assignments that need to be graded (and two to be completed on my part)... The final is due on Sunday at 11:59pm and I haven’t even started. It’s currently Saturday, 3:15pm. I dread the assignment. I dread this course. I’d simply retake it next term but this teacher also teaches the next one that’s available so it’s really no change. 

And finally, my last major complaint (it’s a long one)... I’m stuck. I don’t know how to explain it really, but I feel that I’m just a mom now and not so much a wife or a friend, just a mom. That’s my job and my only focus, being a mother and I suppose trying to be a housewife. I’ve left the house once myself without the baby and it was a fucking disaster. My husband literally called me crying a few hours into my absence saying he didn’t know what to do... and for a new mom, having your husband cry and hearing your fussy baby over the phone, it sent me into all sorts of anxious thoughts. My husband would certainly never hurt the baby... but I do understand why there is always a risk of shaken baby syndrome when parents are sleep deprived, frustrated, and cannot soothe baby at all. So, since that night (I had tried to go to work) I haven’t returned to work and haven’t left the house without little one in tow. I love spending 95% of my time with him, really, but I wish I felt that I had the freedom to leave as my husband does. He goes to work for 9-10hrs/day, goes to see his friends and run errands and things alone... and I’m just here, with a baby, 20/24 hours in each day... and that’s just a rough guess. It’s probably 22-23 most days. I get a break usually to shower and sometimes to eat dinner, usually not both in the same day, but it has happened. I miss seeing my friends. I miss my old freedoms. I fucking MISS adult interaction that’s not paused repeatedly by a fussy baby and doesn’t just consist of snapchat and messenger exchanges... Even spending my whole day with another person, I just feel so alone.  I think that’s everything, now to the things I’m feeling gracious about so I don’t  feel like a negative prick.

I’ve lost a majority (and then some I think) of my baby weight. I’m trying to be body neutral and just be happy with where I’m at day to day, but I sometimes fixate on what clothes do and don’t fix me, it’s a work in progress. 

My stats class is almost done and I suppose even if I fail it, at least it’s over and I maybe learned a few things. 

I’m in a positive psychology course so once biostats is over I’ll be able to spend more time focusing on that (hopefully) and I think it’s really interesting.. 

I was offered a new job, in hospice, for $35/hr which is the most I’ve ever been offered without being a traveling nurse or working with an agency. I’m not sure when my start date is, but hopefully soon so I can get back to some parts of the ‘pre mom’ me. 

I found a reputable daycare for the little guy that is supposed to open up in August or September, they’re moving to a brand new building but we have a spot reserved. This will also cut back on the time that my husband has to care for the baby alone while I’m at work, just on the weekends since daycare is closed. I think that’s all for now. There’s always much more to be grateful for and I’m not blind to the many blessings I have, just needing to get some things off of my chest today. 

[anyu-blue]

Busy as a bee

~

*sigh*

I had this big long thing typed up.. it's all gone now. That's twice it's happened. Let's see if third time's the charm.

It was about my trying to figure out how to talk about the shit I've been going through without just dumping it all on someone and having it be totally unjustified too...

I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at Tevs... I'm mad at myself.

Basically...I'm frustrated that I'm seen as so much lesser than everyone else.

I know it's like 'no you're not!! You only think you are!! They love you!!' ... I've been smacked both literally and figuratively for saying 'you guys treat me different/unfairly compared to x'... But.. gods at this point I. Just. CAN'T keep believing them or telling myself that when the evidence is right in front of me. I feel like I must have done something REALLY BAD and BIG for everyone to pull away so hard... But at the same time... I... Can't figure what it is or how. I've asked too, but the closet I've gotten to an answer is 'You're too much, Meek.'

I know I sorta... Became a worse recluse than I was (kinda I'm response to that. Trying so hard NOT to be too much)... But I kept telling and telling and telling I was available and offering what I could and more... I kept trying to deal- if I need something I would provide in return, just name the price... Did I forget or fail to follow through with something? Or something? No one can think of anything to tell me that didn't have a legitimate reason if ever I did (as good as or better than they have given me) that I shared up front and sometimes in advance with them. I even went into detail about what might happen if I am asked for help on a bad day- I tend to be a bit grumpy if woken up, but will still be there to help and will apologize for any harshness as I am going about it. I do that- but... Nothing.. and every single person has offered and practically forced (in W0lfie's case) all of the stuff I've asked for onto anyone but me. Need help finding/getting a good word in for work! Sure!! *Gives me links to indeed and Job service sites I'm already on/refuses to say my application is in the mix for positions at their workplaces or downright says they don't know if I'm a good worker even though I gave them my sick day and late count and all that fun stuff to pass off or downright doesn't tell me there's a good opening they know about*

Oh such-and-such is happy where they're at? So-and-so Can't hold a job because they keep quitting? *Gives information about good jobs and puts in a good word for them and sticks their neck out to get them hired.. is surprised when the offer is rejected by the family that says they're already okay with their current work or the unreliable friend they got hired quits*... Oh woe is me, I need help and there's no one to turn to!! *Refuses to call me knowing I have the day off, have my phone on, and have said I'm free that day... Asks literally every other person even the ones that demand payment for the job or can only do a part of it.. or just ends up doing it themselves by dropping another important obligation instead of calling me*

:(

The most common excuse for that last one is. 'oh I didn't want to make you more stressed.'

Um... I offered? I was here the whole time? What...?

*sigh*

I suppose I wouldn't be thinking of that stuff or be so upset by it all except for the fact I'm told these things and then I'm shown (and told) this last week people think I'm EXTREMELY lazy...

My dad and everyone else wants me to/thinks I should work more than 3 days a week... Or should get on disability if it's 'that hard.' Obviously they've never tried and seen THAT shit show... I have looked into it. Not only have I gotten treated like something to be disgusted by friends, family, medical professionals, and jobs alike (because it's oh so despicable to be on social security while young and spry- even though I have medically frail on my damn chart I'm apparently 'young and spry'- fuck you) when I've tried to pursue it, also being on it ISN'T a cake walk.. the restrictions. The WORK you have to do (and the work you can't do!! I'm right in the middle and technically can work too much for disability, but not enough for getting by on my own). The shit you have to go through... My own therapist told me some programs I could pursue would put me further behind where I am and I could possibly never get out... And she was the one that pushed me to get foodstamps, so it's not like she thinks they're hooey...

My dad thinks me working 3 days a week and refusing to do more lest I break down all the time is just.. lazy.. unfortunate... Stupid. He wants me to take all these homeowners and car buying and loan classes... Like I'm EVER going to be able to afford a single one of those things.. or think it's a good idea to throw down $25-$150 a pop for a class, let alone spend 8 hours taking one (I'd love to and think they're amazing things, but uh...)... Like somehow it'll 'convince' me to 'work harder'.

DUDE.

What.

The.

FUCK.

Is WRONG with you?!

I get it... I seriously can't work more days a week. If I do, I completely spiral out of control from the pressure as well as the guilt from spiraling and and.. you get the idea. I just do. I know I do. And I found my balance in 3 days on.

It's pretty easy to think 4 days off are, well.. 4 days off. 4 days to play. 4 days of freedom. But... I make things... I've made two blankets already. One more I'm working on.. usually AT work because I'm so busy. Birthday gifts. Christmas gifts. Holiday gifts. Trying to do commissions too to get more money in. Also.. em... I'm usually awake during the day to.. make appointments because my health is just a mess.. helping the friends that HAVE asked for help... Running errands because I can't at night (partly due to Covid changing everything's hours)... Or if I HAPPEN to get to.. I'm sleeping because I'm on a night schedule.. at night if anyone had need of me I'd be right there!! But guess what, THEY are sleeping. If I actually have a night off (which I haven't in nearly a month now because I CAN go over to my friend who needs help's house at 5 in the morning.. after I drop W0lfie off at work or I'd be there sooner.) I'm DOING things. Wednesday itself happens to be dedicated to FIXING my sleep schedule that I screwed doing everything my sisters need or want me to do during the day... It's up to ME to screw MY sleep so THEY can get or have what they need/want... Never mind they refuse (with legitimate reasons) to do the same for me (though I have legitimate reasons I could say no as well, but ooooh I'm the 'bad guy').

*rubs face* I'm so busy my mind and body is screaming at me in pain. Sooo lazy 🙄

But yet I'm shit because I refuse to work more.

Idk what it is, okay? I. Don't. Know. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Autistic and something overloads that hasn't been address like ever and so has only gotten worse (this is my guess), or the PTSD is doing something (my therapist's guess--- which not to derail but WHO ELSE IS IN THERAPY IN MY FAMILY?! you want to guess? That's right, NO ONE... No one is even TRYING to deal with theirs, and I don't just mean the pandemic. Big sister had it as bad, if not worse than I did. Refuses. Dad and step mom knows they do. Little sister scared. Little bro disinterested. 'There's no time' or 'costs too much' despite several having free sessions available to them via their job and Heath insurance- with multiple options- and everyone but little sister making more than they ever have in their lives on top of relying on others to pay any bills they can't keep up on... GRR).. or something else that just makes me become such a wreck. I hate it more than anyone else, you know.. because I have to live with it AND everyone telling me how lazy and lucky and entitled and how 'much' I am.

...

And you want to know what sparked all of this?

Tevs worked a 12+ hour day that ended up having me woken up by the cats that hadn't been fed.

Let me explain... Tevs and I got into it badly after I was continually deprived of sleep because she was working so much and blaming me for 'making' her deal with stuff at home I didn't even know were problems. She continued to explode and explode and treat W0lfie and I TERRIBLY after work as well AND continually told our other friends and family she so desperately needed a vacation and LESS work, and just kept pulling 10, 11, 13 hour days she didn't have to... All while not eating or drinking or having bathroom breaks... and I was DONE with it. I have and had offered to do more, just need to be directed on what needs to be done that I can do while they're asleep (duh) so she had no leg to stand on there... With the rest... She promised to not work more than 10 hour shifts (agreed upon because I have a 10hr shift at work with no breaks too) AND to either let us know in advance if she was going to be late so I could feed the cats, or have someone do SOMETHING to get the cats fed so they weren't deliberately jumping on me to wake me up... You know.. communicate a little more. Do a little better so she wasn't killing herself working. She promised.

Well..

Apparently (new information to me) a promise and Tevs giving her word.. are two different things. Promises don't matter. Giving her word had weight.

What. The. Fuck.

So MY getting upset this last week that not only was she working more than 10 hours... Not only did she not tell anyone about it.. not only did the cats come to wake me up (after I had FINALLY fallen asleep a short while before due to just how BUSY I was that day, and it was Wednesday 😭)... But she also REFUSED to speak to ANYONE and tell her where she was/that she was safe- completely and deliberately ghosting everyone... Until she showed up at my dad's house 12+ hours after the start of her shift in which she didn't eat, didn't drink, and didn't use the bathroom for the entirely duration..

...

I was told to back off. That my upset was unfounded. That I was just like our horrible mother and I was just trying to control her life.

Does that sound right to you?

It does to my dad. I would wager my step mom. All of their friends. And of course Tevs.

Nevermind that W0lfie was just as freaked out and upset... That she actually has a front row seat as to what I go through now/how hard I try to be kind and careful and respectful and relaxed and NOT controlling and finally gets it... And that she's now directly effected by all of it too... And agrees this is MESSED UP as hell...

No.

I'm shit. I need to work more. I need to move out and be on my own. I need to not rely on anyone. I am 'too much'.

Where did it all go wrong?

I now understand exactly why I felt and still do feel unloved. It's because of this stuff... I got smacked and told I was never alone or on my own.. that I had so much support and help... but.. well.. yes I was. My mind and abilities and more belittled or looked over in favor of others to bring up. Everyone is guilty of doing this to me in my family. I won't go into details because it's a lot. Many times.. many bad ones... Often I was told my reality wasn't the truth too. How is that supportive? I appreciate every bit they have ever done for me, but trying to point out where they fell (just like all people do).. I'm suddenly the most ungrateful thing ever.

My own parents rely on each other AND a third party (their son) to pay the bills... My dad's siblings both live with his parents... My step mom's family members live with each other and rely on one another to get bills paid.... Not a single one is forced or really suggested to go room with randos if they can't do it on their own. It was brought up to W0lfie that it's an option for her this last week... But guess fucking what she got that I didn't AS WELL as that.. "We'll always have a place for you here."

I did get that when I was younger and nearly kicked out for refusing to tell my mother I was Trans. I eventually caved, but, HA they didn't believe me. That mess was sorted out.. messily and I got to stay... Lucky me... Not to mention the fact that only NOW I might finally be able to just accept it and not closet myself for the sake of everyone else because I'm THAT done.. yay therapy. I'll accept being non-binary because I can never actually be a man the way anyone around me will ever accept or believe.. but I'm not accepting 'being a woman'. Screw you peeps XP

...

I don't get that kind of support because I'm their eyes.. I'm too much. Should be able to do it on my own. Too lazy. Too awful as Tevs has managed to paint by completely omitting important details.. I can't say things in a few words. I just can't. Because this is exactly what happens... But regardless.. that's all she ever shares. Just enough I'm a monster. I'm sick and tired of it.

Reminds me...

My dad and mom and the rest of our family would never get birthday gifts or holiday cards or anything if I wasn't around. Same with our siblings. I remember. I make. I remind. I push. But... They don't even know about that. About what I try to do for them that gets twisted to look like it's all Tev's doing because I often can't make it to deliver it myself... And when I do idk.. I guess I do it wrong or something because it's so... Blah of a response.. like they think I'm NOT responsible for it and just taking credit... That hurts. A LOT.

...

I'm going to try. One more time. Once more. With Tevs. Give her one more chance to make and keep her word. To not bulldoze and make excuses and talk me up like some sort of unreasonable monster if/when she doesn't... And one more chance for my parents to hear me out. Get the full story. Get my feelings and experiences in return. On Monday I might have a chance to lay it all out. Maybe. I want to try. And if I get the same treatment.. well.. I think they might just be cut out of my life if I finally make it out on my own like they want. (Hopefully something income based will open up for me.. hopefully... I'm considering looking into a different city altogether to well and truly get away from them.. but that would depend on getting a job too.. bluh)

Ah that's a another thing too though.. the thing is.. I CAN work. I CAN pull 7 days a week, 16 hour days without spiraling!!! Making. I am a crafter. If making dresses or cosplays or embroidering or making blankets or trinkets or... If I was able to do THAT.. I could work and work and work no problem... Maybe even drawing..

But with the stress of this job and my other obligations, I can barely touch those things to even get started... Stick in the rut.. and materials are so expensive if I need anything extra I hit a roadblock... Totally locked in... And it breaks my heart...

I'm not lazy... I'm in the wrong job 😞

[fllmetalheart]

tagged by @eboyfrodo @lvndrpnk & @stanleyyuris 💕💕💕

rules: answer 17 questions and tag 17 people you want to get to know better

1. nickname: my friends call me karls, but my older brother calls me goofy goober, dumbass & Bernadette (that last one is a long story 😂 but the other 2 he gave me are quite fitting)

2. zodiac sign: taurus

3. height: 5’5.5 (don’t worry, my siblings teases me about this all the time)

4. hogwarts house: technically gryffindor ... i took the pottermore test 3 times before and i got gryffindor-hufflepuff-gryffindor sooo ?

5. last thing i googled: how to unsee an image (my friend sent a god awful meme)

6. song stuck in my head: get down on it by kool & the gang (my brother used to play this song all. the. time and now i’m hearing it in edits & tik toks and it’s stuck in my head)

7. following: 259

8. followers: 567 (though i’m pretty sure like 80% are robots lmao. but to the 20% who aren’t, i love you 💕)

9. amount of sleep i get: it varies, but usually like 5-7hrs. on my days off, probably like 9 or 10hrs lmao. last night i got 8.5 hours tho so that’s cool and healthy!

10. lucky numbers: 4 & 6

11. dream job: i reallyyyy want to be a Paramedic, but do some writing on the side! i want to start a blog in the near-ish future where i can post my original works! either that or get liscened to do these sick helicopter tours (in the town next door, they do these and they’re so awesome and really beautiful!)

12. wearing: my work clothes lmao i just got home 😂 currently wearing just blue jeans & a black t-shirt but i’m about to change into sweatpants and a sports bra asjdfja

13. favorite songs: come on elieen by dexy midnight runners || bohemian rhapsody by queen (i love just about everything by queen if i’m being honest) || say you love my by fleetwood mac (again: everything by them is 💯) || waterloo by ABBA || american boy by estelle & kanye west || someone new by hozier || sorry not sorry by demi lovato || all we ever knew by the head and the heart || shake it out by florence + the machine || ribs by lorde || sloom by of monsters and men || little lion man by mumford & sons || long way from home by the lumineers || genghis khan by miike snow || the list goes on ...

14. favorite musicians: mumford & sons, hozier, the lumineers, queen, ABBA, fleetwood mac, florence + the machine, maya hawke, chosen jacobs, of monsters and men, the head and the heart & sleeping at last ... those are the ones i can think of off the top of my head!

15. instruments: i used to play piano, acoustic guitar & the flute

16. random fact: i almost had to go into emergency surgery when i was 13 cause i totally wiped out on my scooter (the handle bars went up and under my ribs, it sucked) and the doctors thought i had internal bleeding. wild time!

17. aesthetics: large jean jackets. steaming mug of tea. cozy coffee shops. sunflowers. old books with the corners of pages bent. mixtapes. fuzzy socks. worn in, brown leather birkenstocks. lavender fields.

i tag @inevitabletony @starrytozier @trashpandaorigins @anthonycarrigan @eddiebrak @grootiez @bellarke @clarkgriffon @julies-andrews @eds-trashmouth @richietoaster @jamesransons @hook-and-hope @spookytozier @nohomohank @iishallbelieve @still-watching (of course, feel free to/not to do this, regardless of the tag!)

[gregorvorbarra]

Hello, I always enjoy your library posts and was wondering what led you to pursue a career in that field? How did you begin and what experience would you recommend someone to have? I'm interested in entering the field :)

hello traveler! I’m glad you enjoy the posts!

sooo bear in mind that I am not a librarian! librarians hold degrees in library/information sciences, they’ve got a lot of training for this job. that’s definitely my goal for the future, but rn I’m a library tech (or specialist, as my library calls them now), I work at the circulation desk checking books in and out and making library cards. I do a lot of other jobs aside from that, but that’s the main thing, basically interacting with patrons for basic stuff like that

I’m going to put the rest of the stuff under a cut, I hope that it is not way too much and overwhelming. also do keep in mind that public libraries are a different beast than other kind of libraries, and this is just my experience in one system, different library systems work differently. but I hope it’s still helpful!

okay, so, I actually don’t know why I decided to pursue a career in libraries. I always liked libraries, and I was a library TA in middle school and I liked that, and by the time I interviewed for the position (not the one I have now) in October 2015,  I had a vague idea of being a children’s librarian, but idk how I got there. I had just decided to quit studying to be a teacher in Spring 2015, after like 2 years of studying and work and etc, so I fell into a deep depression and I don’t remember much from between then and getting hired. sorry anon.

I started as a Library Aide (10hr/week and no benefits), which is the lowest rung in the ladder. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it has lower requirements and lower pay than all the other positions in the library. that pay was $15/hr, so like, not bad at all, it was a very nice job, and it allowed me to still go to school full-time. to me, it felt like a demo of what working in a public library was like. it really did help me figure out what I really wanted to do. here’s the job description for my old job:

TYPICAL TASKS include, but are not limited to: Sorts, distributes and shelves various types of library materials; maintains shelves in proper order. Searches for and corrects sorting errors on bookshelves; reads shelves; follows procedures to look for materials on variousreports. Uses a computer to enter and retrieve information relating to checking-in materials, retrieving holds and requests, withdrawingholds and performing similar tasks. Retrieves materials from shelves according to pull lists and other procedures. Retrieves materials from book drops. Keeps newspapers and magazines/periodicals current. Cleans monitors, screens, keyboards, mice, and other related equipment. Answers routine requests for information and direction from the public, directing caller or patron to appropriate person asnecessary. Places donations to Friends in appropriate location. Additional tasks include posting items to bulletin board, mending books, re-casing media, straightening reading room.

I did a lot more computer work than this, and I was the only fluent Spanish speaker there, so I was translating a lot for circ and reference, so I think my role at my library may have been different than it would be at other libraries. but this was a good start! I think it helps a lot to work your way up the ladder, I know that a lot of other people who work at the library started as Aides or volunteers too, and got hired later for better-paying and more skilled positions because they had library experience. so like, if you want to get a taste of it, I suggest you go for one of those positions or volunteer! it also gives you valuable library work that will come in handy if you decide you want to keep working at the library. and it helps to have connections in the library already.

like, me having worked at Northwest for a year and a half gave me an advantage over people who didn’t have library experience who applied for the job there. also my boss liked me and wanted me to get hired, I’m pretty sure that helps a lot lmao. I feel like it’s almost nepotism

btw, this is the job description for my current position at circ:

TYPICAL TASKS include, but are not limited to: Advises patrons of library policies, procedures, and services in person and over the telephone with a friendly andhelpful attitude Registers patrons, enters patron information into library database and issues new or replacement library cards withaccuracy; updates patron records; communicates with the patron about the procedure and explains rationalepositively when denials are required Listens attentively to patron’s questions about library account and answers in a calm and professional manner Recognizes when a question needs to be directed to reference staff Proactively collects fines and payments for lost materials Assists patrons with automatic self-service equipment; demonstrates use of equipment to staff and public; assistspatrons with the use of public computers and other electronic equipment Readily and proficiently uses a computer to enter and retrieve information, locate library materials and charge anddischarge materials; successfully incorporates the use of RFID and the StaffLink into daily circulation workflow Efficiently and accurately balances daily cash and prepares deposit Efficiently receives and processes requests and reserves Quickly and accurately sorts returned books Processes magazines and gift books in a neat and timely manner; keeps magazines, periodicals, telephone booksand other materials current Readily provides clerical assistance to Librarians and other staff

we do more shit too, like my favorite: attaching new spine labels to books. best

also as for experience, it really depends on the library system. for example, the Library Aide job here requires a high school diploma. the Circ job I have now requires like, 2 years of college or 2 years of clerical/office work. Library Associates (reference staff, but not librarians) need a degree from an accredited 4-year university. I see that requirements for similar jobs are different at other library systems, so I think it’s best for you to go to your local library’s website and check out what they ask for. but, like I said, I think previous library experience always helps, and also... well I guess if you’re good with computers and/or have ever worked in an office, that’s pretty handy?

yeahh.... yeah! I have no idea how this stuff works at like, university libraries or whatever, and if anyone wants to add more stuff about their experience at their library (whichever type it is), that would be great, i’d love to hear it too

and good luck anon! sorry this took me a while to publish! be blessed in your library endeavors

[mmorpgeek]

My MMOs Since WoW

I started playing World of Warcraft with four other friends about a year after it launched. We were those guys that came home in the evening and played like 6-10hrs straight every night. Soon we picked up a couple of others - including the insane, soft-spoken girl who is to this day the best tank I’ve ever seen - and made our own guild. We all learned the game together, learned how to do team content together, and geeked out to an extreme over the game together. If you’ve ever watched Felicia Day’s The Guild, well, that was us. Damn, it was so much fun. I miss these days every time I play any game anymore.

Then, as our guild’s sole healer, I starting working a job where I had very little free time at all, and eventually just stopped trying. When the economy crash happened in the mid/late 2007-8, I made it through until I finally got let go at the end of 2009. I was unemployed and just drank myself stupid and playing console games every day until about April, when I decided to start taking some classes and work part-time. I began playing Age of Conan from launch right after that, which was totally different because it was BRUTAL difficult as well as PvP, and I got hooked. I emailed my old cronies, but they were still balls-deep in WoW, and I was so far behind them at that point I didn’t try to come back, I was busy killing everything with my necromancer.

Until MoP, that is. I looooved Mists of Pandaria, I thought the artwork and the new Pandarian class was so awesome. They didn’t. I played through quite a bit of the endgame content with random people because I loved the world. I began bouncing from guild to guild because I really wanted it to be like it was, but it was pretty -meh- without that tight-knit unit. I left it again.

That’s when I found Runes of Magic, a blatant WoW knockoff, but it was free with no sub. I poured so many hours into that damn game, but leveling TWO classes (Scout/Warden) is a biatch - the grind to endgame was insane, especially after picking up a third (Scout/Warden/Mage). I was doing more dailies than actual content to try to level all three equally, and it burned me out.

So, I decided to get the band back together. But, like total losers, they all had lives by 2015. Professional careers, kids, minivans, all that. I went ahead and tried to play without them, but the world of World of Warcraft had changed drastically by then. Endgame was overrun by people who played to win, not to have fun. Professions were meaningless, because world drops were better than any armor you could craft, and farming ores and mats was so tedious it was worth it to buy them instead. Gold farmers made it possible for people who had no damn clue what they were doing to have everything, and raids were no longer fun. Anymore in WoW, you’re elite or you’re shit - no one at endgame plays for poops ‘n gigs anymore, one mistake and you’re getting flamesprayed in party chat and again on the forums. I deleted the game and haven’t been back since.

I was so, SO excited for Black Desert Online pre-launch, it promised a sandbox with graphics light years ahead of anything I’d ever seen. I pre-purchased the whole damn thing. I spent probably an hour creating my first avatar, and she was STUNNING, I couldn’t wait to get out there and play. Within 3hrs, I hated the mechanics. I made new toon after new toon, and in less than 10hrs of gameplay, I realized that was the only part of it that I was enjoying.

Guild Wars 2 was the darling of the internet by then. It was F2P. It had relatively good graphics. I made my first ranger, and had a BLAST. Holy shit was GW2 fun, and the people?? Hands down the best MMO community since the mid-00s, and I still think it is. It reminded me so much of when we started WoW, strangers would fight together, if you saw someone in trouble you saved them, people res’ed you just because, and it was FAN-F***ING-TASTIC. Divinity’s Reach is possibly my favorite city in any MMO I’ve ever played. I fell in love with GW2. I made other toons, and somehow found myself tanking, of all things, after playing healer for eons and being driven bonkers by tanks. By about lvl 45, I was so insanely bored with GW2. It’s the same basic spells you learn at lvl 10-20 through the whole game. Yes, you can thread your build in a hundred different ways, but it got too repetitive for me. I frizzled out well shy of endgame.

That’s when I started playing FFXIV, which I clearly am having a blast with. I am more in-tune with my avatar than any I have ever played, I imagine her as a real person in a real world more than any other game. The content isn’t the same, and the world - while vast af - just doesn’t do as much for me, and much of the questing and job-specific leveling is not my favorite thing. I am much more into the story of FFXIV and of my character than the actual gameplay of FFXIV. Much of it is garrulous and without a doubt time-wasting grinding, but I absolutely want to do it because I want to see what becomes of my Brigid. I want her to succeed. I am really into my character, I think because I have been on my own so long that this game and this avatar is the first I can imagine doing everything on her own… she is strong, resilient, and continually proving her mettle to a world that didn’t see her coming. I enter every group content event feeling like the underdog, and like I need to prove her worth. I am very into FFXIV because of her moreso than FFXIV itself.   

I keep reading, and watching, and thinking about what else is out there, waiting for the next “big thing” and wondering if people will flock to it at launch and two months later think it is rubbish like so many MMOs anymore, but for now? I want to run FFXIV as far as I can. Not for me, but for an imaginary person I have put all of my personality into that is fighting in an imaginary world. I am very much so in love with Final Fantasy XIV.

And, in my own way, that’s really all I can ask for out of any MMO anymore. I’m a total casual nowadays and only play when the mood strikes me, but I always have a memorable time when I do sit down to it, and most of the time I wish I had more time to play more. I’m all-in on FFXIV until it gives me a reason not to, and so far, it has given me nothing but promise. I am loving it.

[chaerismatic]

“SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER” TAG 📜

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 a couple people [im too nyervous n bad at tagging :C]

i was tagged by @moonbebe , @monbeboo and @monbabi~ tysm ily guys w my whoooole heart ♡♡

THE LAST Drink: water wow already off to a rly interesting start,, great job angie Phone call: my mumma  Text message: “still full from the chicken, don't know if i want dindin” [asldkfjs i still talk to my mum like a four-year-old ok yep moving on] Song i’ve listened to: from zero,, aka the bop of the century that probably wont ever be released ;; v ;; Time you cried: i basically spent all of last weekend in the foetal position cos of the p101 final and shine forever

HAVE YOU 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: yep 10. Been depressed: i guess 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope,, im?? an egg 12-14. List three favorite colours: green, yellow, cream

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. Made new friends: yess, especially here !! i don't rly deserve any of them and i love n admire every single person thats talked to me. ty ty ty ♡ 16. Fallen out of love: maybe, but idk if you could call whatever that was ‘love’ 17. Laughed until you cried: we had karaoke at my school today,, i nearly choked from screaming n dancing to the pokemon theme song 18. Found out someone was talking about you: don't think so eep 19. Met someone who changed you: for sure 20. Found out who your friends are: i think so 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: uhh yes

GENERAL 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of ‘em 23. Do you have any pets: OK ASDLKFJA I LVOE MY BABIES; so u’ve got miffy my v bouncy dog n best pal, my two rly chirpy but rly sweet birbs toro and newbert, and my two goldfish who are,,, both named huat,,, because that means prosperity n i need that $$$ 24. Do you want to change your name: hmm nope i like it, esp my full name even though i don't rly like it when people call me by it just cos it feels too formal 25. What did you do for your last birthday: probably ate a lot of mexican food and played the sims 4 for like 10hrs straight 26. What time do you wake up: 7am on school days n like 11pm on weekends 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: having a v mild panic attack about my history exam but also watching my babies sewoon/gwanghyun in their first vlive 28. Name something you can’t wait for: jung sewoon to debut jfc 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: maybe like an hour ago when i was washing the dishes 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: feeling more fulfilled and optimistic cos tbh ive got it really good compared to others n i hate when i forget that 31. What are you listening right now: why don't you know - chungha 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yep, a guy in my bio class that i barely know, he just asked for help w a question 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my academic incompetency  34. Most visited website: youtube or tumblr 35. Moles: none 36. Marks: two lil dots under my right eye, one on my upper lip n a whole bunch on my arms 38. Hair color: black  39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: huygnown jks sorry 41. What do you like about yourself: my ??softness tbh 42. Piercings: nope 43. Bloodtype: idk but i really wanna find out !!! ;;  44. Nickname: angie is a nickname i guess, but a lot of my school friends call me angle 45. Relationship status: dating a pretty cool guy (who is not hw but its fine i still kinda like him asldfjsal that was a rly weird n kinda messed up joke im sorry) 46. Zodiac: cancer 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: orange is the new black, brooklyn nine nine, rick and forty, and a whooole lot of japanese dramas 49. Tattoos: nope 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: none 52. Hair dyed in different color: not currently but i had green ombre for a while last year 53. Sport: not really my thing if yknow what i mean hah im as active as an actual pile of garbage   55. Vacation: ive only ever had an extensive stay in malaysia but its like a second home n i love it so much c: 56. Pair of trainers: uhhhh one ? yes ? idrk what this is asking ;v;

MORE GENERAL 57. Eating: i had kfc for dinner mmmm 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: pass out im so tired 61. Waiting for: monsta x’s first win !1!! 62. Want: to hug wonho,,, idk i feel extra protective of him today 63. Get married: for sure 64. Career: nursing/midwifery

WHICH IS BETTER 65.Hugs or kisses: hugs !!! warm n friendly or romantic n gentle,, you can't go wrong !! 66. Lips or eyes: both are v good, especially as a combination when someone smiles,,, smiling is rly rly nice 67. Shorter or taller: taller  68. Older or younger: older for now 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: asdfhasl both again !! both are SO good !!! esp soft tummies w comfy arms in hugs !! ;; - ;; 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive  72. Hookup or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER 74.Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: nope 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no but thats honestly my worst nightmare,, id be completely vulnerable 77. Turned someone down: yeah but in like the 5th grade 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe ,,, 80. Had your heart broken: probably fractured, not quite entirely shattered 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: yessir 83. Fallen for a friend: way too many fkscifn times

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 84. Yourself: uhh probably not 85. Miracles: sure 86. Love at first sight: eh not really 87. Santa Claus: i rly want to cos i love christmas so much :cc but no 88. Kiss on the first date: mmm probably not 89. Angels: have u seen the all-white shine forever stage outfits amirite

OTHER 
90. Current best friend’s name: i have two bestest friends named annie and charlie 
91. Eye color: dark brown
 92. Favorite movie: WHY END WITH THE HARDEST QUESTION YOU COULD POSSIBLY ASK ME ??? ok um lets go w back to the future as one of many favourites

❀ tagging: @monbibi @peachminhyuk @cngkyns @chaesprincess @kukungie @bamethyst @omgxiaoch ! ❀ but feel free to ignore, this does take a really long time so i totally understand :) 

[the-killingbreadmachine]

Goodbye Junior Year.

My mother is making ramen for me right now, while I hack out my emotions since it’s been awhile, and I’ve been in a whirlwind of things that have kept me away. 

I think the past two hours I have been over come by so many different emotions. Just two hours thirty minutes ago, my chest was heavy and it hurt. The semester was about to close with ten minutes left. And one of my group projects had just put things together and turned it in to the drive folder. We were getting there...

And we submitted it at 11:58pm, with two minutes to spare. final checks. yes. we were done. At then the clock turned midnight. Hello May 25th.

And the feeling, I can’t quite describe but its the feeling of everything from this semester, or this year just coming to a close. 

So as I continue to type and to reflect, I only ask that if you keep reading you 

(1) Give me the chance to explain myself. These are many of my raw emotions. And I don’t type them out to brag, or to gloat over -- I’m more surprised over anything.

(2) Don’t get too concerned. And again, I’m not trying to pre-suppose your feelings or thoughts. I type this out because I’m okay now. I’m at a good place, and sometimes it takes looking back to see how far I’ve actually come and it’s been a really long time since I’ve sat down and thought about the past. 

Thank you friends. 

Back to that feeling. It still lingers even as it turns 2:35am. Maybe it’s like closure to a bad break up, but all that pain and all that stress and burden and unhealthy habits and everything. It’s come to an end. And somehow I made it.

I really quite amazed I’m alive right now. Because so many nights I’ve been scared of myself or the thoughts in my head. I just wanted to quit. Whatever that meant, I never entertained the idea. I didn’t want to. But over the course of this semester I have lost so much motivation to live. There’s a tint of depression somewhere there, but now and then I retract from saying so. I don’t wan’t to be depressed. I don’t want to be another anxious college student. But the reality was I’d sleep for 14+ hours, and wake up, lie in my bed wishing the day would be over, yet feeling crushed by everything. I had meetings, classes, work, projects to attend and responsibilities. But I could barely think ahead as to what I would do even if I managed to sit up. It’d be easier to just let everything fall. Reminds me of the story of Samson -- I felt like I was holding those two pillars up, and at any time, or any trigger I would just die with all of my problems. And for some strange reason, that sounded so peaceful and so easy. And it’s been so long since I’ve had peace or I’ve had easy. 

So this is where I want to thank those who have been around. Thank you to those who would stay up weird hours with me, or would eat dinner with me around 9pm, because those were some of my moments where I tried to live where I was searching for something, and I guess it was those moments that kept me alive.

Thank you for being forgiving when I would flake. Thank you for not giving me a hard time when I’d miss board game nights. Thanks for letting me sleep over some times when I didn’t want to be alone. Or staying up with me because I didn’t want to be alone. Thank you for feeding me, for driving me places. Thank you for helping me with projects, or with home works, for solving simple matters for me. Thank you doing things so willingly when I’d ask for help. Thank you for understanding my tiredness, and my messes. Thank you for picking up the phone when I’d be paralyzed by anxiety in the car, or in my apartment. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for keeping me alive. 

Because just in this moment, I actually feel like a person. And I can feel some life in me. Yes, I still have to go to work in a few hours, and there are several emails to send and errands to run and people to meet, but at this moment. God is so good to give me this moment. To remind me of what love He’s shown by the people around me and those who care for me. 

This has been the roughest school year. I had worked summer 2016, and then started the semester with a hurting heart accumulated from several different instances. For this semester I had to adapt to new things -- working a job, being a TA, running a hackathon, cooking for myself. This meant 10hrs working, 10hrs TA-ing, 10hrs of meetings for hackathon/scholars program. and several hours trying to sleep, be a student and take care of myself. My grades dropped, I’d lose weight, work off of 1 meal a day and I’d average maybe around 5 hours of sleep per night. All on top of that I’d be interviewing or phone screening or sending emails with some company every week looking for an internship. That’s not right. Come winter break, I have a week for the holidays and then I flew out on December 26th to HK to start working at HKU. Helped out in their Teaching and e-Learning tools Dept. unit and I really enjoyed the work I was doing there, and being close to family. It was difficult being far from home and far from people, but it was a nice half break. I came to second semester missing the first week, and who knew that you’d already be behind after one week. There was so much work to catch up on. I made a horrible, terrible mistake of taking four computer science. I don’t care who you are, or how many times you’ve done it. but taking four is not wise. it is foolish. it is a mistake. and if you come to me thinking to take four. I’d think you are foolish to waste a semester so. and having chosen this schedule for myself, I had no reason to complain when it got tough. Or that was my mentality. I’m not too sure what to say when people tell me their workload, I don’t want to compare myself with what they have, and I had so little energy even to get through my own needs like cooking or showering, that I really couldn’t comfort myself or others much. So I told myself I wouldn’t tell people of the work I had to do. And yea I probably have said it a couple times, but I tried to not get into details. I’d find ways to figure it out, or would just manage. But it got rough maybe the second or third week into the semester having lost a family member. It was the first time I’d have to deal with loss, and being alone in Maryland when it happened made it difficult. And from there everything assignment was a clutch, or a desperate grab to keep hanging on. Each morning or meeting was tiring. I could tell my memory was fading, my performance was lacking and in so many ways I lost out on this semester. 4 out of my 5 classes were group projects. Each of which had a different dynamic. And having to spread myself across for my five classes, the hackathon, and work I could not play a dutiful part in these groups which made me feel guilty, and incapable which came back only to bring me down. 

So when midnight came. All of that ^ came to an end, and I felt it come off my shoulders and my chest. and the feeling was bliss. I cried so hard. I was shaking from this strange feeling of relief. My mom held me as I bawled because this semester could’ve killed me and now it’s gone. And when I got home, I cried some more. When I saw my dad I cried again. and as I’m typing this tears are rolling down. because I can actually breathe. Even though I have work in about 10 hours. I can breathe, cos I’ve done my best and it’s passed.

I think I can say I honestly have learned more about myself. I know better now. I know to take it light. If anything, I need to find more time to enjoy life in the present. Why rush? I’ve missed so much at the speed I was going, and it killed me. You realize things keep moving on, and you have the ultimate deciding factor of what you get yourself into. If you get caught up in doing things to maybe graduate early, or to look impressive, or to be so well accomplished, you miss out on things that you want to do, or things that are more meaningful.  

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1k83G76gWzwM1djYVNDRkRDY1E/view

[prettyawesomelitmusic]

Ndeluv, talks his disappearance from Music, growing up in the Bay Area, 90s to current R&B and more

How'd you come up with the name NDELUV?

I used to go by the the moniker "Deluv" for awhile, it worked for the time it lasted but eventually I was looking for a change of face, a new skin, matured leather you know, ndeluv came about fairly simply but still with a great deal of thought behind it, no caps, 6 letters, dualism within the context, I was ready to express my new found self awareness but still i wanted to hide behind the name. Nieko is my first name, lower case "n", Deluv was a thing, a ruse to throw people off of my scent i suppose, ndeluv, subtle yet still present, unassuming but still intriguing, it was perfect.

 How was it growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area how was it? Has the gentrification boom affected you personally?

The city was something special man, only now can i appreciate the jungle it was for what it was to me, it had everything a kid could want or need, transportation, dense population, culture, different divisions within the main hub that supplied you with even more diversity for your senses, it was a playground, and i find myself fanatically remembering or piecing together random events from my past growing up in the city, almost as if it never happened but i wish it had.. the city was cold, but we wore coats and hoodies, it was our city for the time, but now it belongs to somebody else

What nationality are you?

I'm Samoan, Latin, [and] White.

You seem to have a heavy 90s R&B influence. Growing up what did you listen to?

90's R&B you say? How cool was 90's R&B for real, it was player as fuck, it was sexy, demanding, in your face, emotions on the sleeves with a groovy ass bounce or swing, that shit was soulful and full of youth and the harnessed the spirit that you thought you were going to live forever in that very moment your song was playing.. brings a tear to my eye.

You've been off the radar for the past few years, what have you been up to?

After i finished ndeluvs projects i was at sort of a stand still for awhile, i did so much in such a short amount of time you know, not many people who know about ndeluv even know that there were 10 projects in total between the end of 2010 and the end of 2012, it was a heavy growing period for me creatively and personally, i had really laid it all out on the line by the time #RIPRNB came out in Dec. 2012 (the last ndeluv project) after that i had a couple random jobs here and there, one was packing boxes of kale for 10hrs a day at some factory in the town, i worked graveyard shift at urban outfitters unpacking boxes of clothes for a hot min, barbacked as couple places... there was a solid six or seven months where all I would do was walk around Lake Merritt in Oakland reading books that i had found or was introduced to by strangers, i had reallly long hair and facial hair, i was a walking tree man. i really got into film photography, i liked taking pictures but only when they meant something to me, with film you cant just go photo crazy, you really gotta want to take a picture to use up a spot on your roll you know what i mean.. i also started writing a lot, like movie ideas, screenplays, short stories, anime ideas, comic super hero stuff, Bukowski blurred life typer of shit, which im still very much into, i did some visual short show series on YouTube that were really cool, thinking about starting that back up again, maybe a channel with random visuals to new music tracks I don't know what to do with, little mini shows in between, sound like fun right now.

You have a certain visual aesthetic where most of your video content and photos are in black in white. How did you come up with this?

It's the mood, I never really wanted to be seen, I always liked the mystique of being present but allusive, black and white videos or really tight face shots and no real definite profile of me were all surrounded by that attraction to privacy but having the door cracked open just enough to let you come in. It was my bag you know.

Who would you like to work with? (artists and producers)

I would love to work with more women, shoot them, talk to them, laugh with them, listen to them, that's where my head is at right now.

Where do you see R&B music going in the future?

R&B was a product of generation, whats going to happen now is a new generation will idealize it and come up with its own hybrid child as we've seen already with the ndeluv projects for example, those were childs of R&B but they weren't R&B, feel me?

Who are you currently listening to?

I have Miles Davis Pandora station on at all times currently 

What are you doing right now to occupy your time?  

Pushing drinks to my fellow man, side note.. I'd really like to own my own bar one day, live up stairs and i know all of my customers names, that would be nice.  

Interests/hobbies outside of music?

I've found the older i get the more i find interesting about all the things life has to offer, even simple walk from a to b is enough to keep me enthused.

Favorite food/drink?

I'm really into tofu burritos right now, as a matter of fact! I'm about to go get one right now! / water, water is life, drink more water, and hot tea.. 

Why should people care about NDELUV?

ndeluv was a passion project for me, it was my life, it was a journal and a piece of self growth in real time you know, I remember when I first realized that if I knew myself I would know the world because we all share the same set of emotions and feelings and potential, apathy and empathy help us connect with each other and relate.. ndeluv could be anybody, it just so happens that i had my crack at him first.