ghostfishk

[ghostfishk]

RIGHT as i thought i was over this god damn crush, i have this fucking dream and now k can’t stop thinking about cuddling him and holding him god damnit.

we were at some, public theatre event? we picked out costumes like a few weeks before it, i picked a nurse costume. but they were weird. the scrubs themselves were brown with black leopard print. but it also came with these maroon like pj shorts and pj button top, that had to go OVER the scrubs. so we all got changed. i, notably, was comfortable enough to get changed around everyone, which felt so nice. and then right as im finished putting the pants on, the guy i’ve been fighting a crush on for months and FINALLY thought i was over walks in, me and Ev give him crap about being late, and then he comes and sits nexts to me, and rests his hand on my lower back. i try to not, make a scene?? just sitting there all blushing and happy, when he fully leans into me, like head on my shoulder, hands wrapped around me-

“oh hi?” i kinda smile and laugh a bit, trying not to lose my mind cuz even dream me is flustered

“hey, is this okay? “

“mmhm” i nodded, reduced to nonverbal even in dreams

“cuz i can stop if you want, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable”

“no..no you’re fine. this is nice”

“as long as you’re sure.” and he kinda nuzzles himself into my shoulder more

and we just kinda sat there until, idk, he just sat up and started getting changed.

nothing happened there, but when he was done, he mentioned his was a little short, and tight, and the scrubs definitely were, i asked him what size he got and he got a woman’s 3x, cuz he thought it was a men’s and it was the only one left , i tell him i got a men’s 2x. he then decides we need to compare them, because why are those sizes so different. when we’re basically the same size. and then the director (who turned out to be my highschool drama director), came in and said we’re heading in soon, like into the room.

so everyone starts heading out and then it cuts and me, ev, tay, and him all get out of my car?? and i go through a little bit of trying to lock it. and then we go inside, and then i somehow get completely separated from the group, i start looking for them, and i find ev, tay, and 2 other people hiding in like a little corner talking about something. i go over and ask what’s going on, and i get absolutely ignored. so i walk away, and go inside the auditorium. i pass by director, and tell her about what’s going on with the others, and then i head in, i can’t make it down to my group, the auditorium is SUPER tall, and the group with the same costume as me is all the way at the front/bottom, cuz it’s all decided by costumes. the stairs are all weird, like you cannot get down there, so i stay at the top. it starts out with us doing the wave, but we’re really bad at it. and then an announcement comes on, i think it said something like “the show is about to begin and all of our actors are in their places”, then im like teleported to my group, still can’t find people i know. and then it’s like a death match almost, and for some reason im the one doing it, but suddenly i have like fire powers?? my whole section with the nurse scrub costumes does. so i kill(?) a few things until im fight this woman and her 2 “pets”, a toy trex, and its was like a badger or something, both massive, like real trex size. i defend myself at first by just holding their mouthes shut with my hands, and then the badger starts gagging and throwing something up, so i move and i realize, the trex isn’t actually attacking me?? wait.. and then i realize how beat to hell the trex is, this is when the badger pikes up a giant spring, a sprint that was the trex’s. so i try telling this woman that her pets are killing eachother, when they both start attacking me. i defeat them, by like exploding in fire?? but for some reason that’s what was making my physical form, so im reduced to like my original state?? which is a peanut, but its like corgi sized and im teleported back to the middle of my section, where im congratulated, and where i gain my fire back and reform. in which im crowned mayor?? and i have a whole song that i don’t even understand.

but yea, that was my wonk ass dream

and how dare my brain?? i was completely(mostly) over this crush, and suddenly it’s back, in full swing, because all i can think about is his arms around me, and his head on my shoulder. even tho it wasn’t even real

i also had a kinda similar dream, like a week ago at this point i think. and it was just us, in the backroom, everyone trying to get around eachother and get out, and he’s pushing the cashbox, and he just yells “hey k-(name)” and i look up and go over to him, and he just tells me he loves me?? and i get super flustered, and he’s all smiling, and i just faintly let out a “oh! i, uhh, i love you too” and i smile.

that one is BURNED into my head. and now whenever i look at or think about him that’s all i can think about?? and it’s fucking evil??? if my brain could stop making sensrios about this guy who is definitely probably not interested in me that’d be awesome

11/4/24

[ghostfishk]

shidid it’s been a while.

i think i just came out of a pretty major dissociation episode. because ive been just kinda running on autopilot since mid september.

my crust on him is still pretty strong. i told T about it, because its been causing me a lot of anxiety for the past week or so. and at this point i think its so much less of a crush on him specifically and just a crush on the idea of a partner again. i just want that connection again, and he’s the only actually attractive and nice guy that i see daily that i get along with but also doesn’t remind me of my younger brother. because there’s hot/fun people at my job, but they also, all act like my brother in some ways and that’s, really weird. i just want a partner, male, female, a mix, or neither, preferably male/amab, because im scared to go into another afabxafab relationship after all of the ones i had growing up and discovering myself ended in major changes to both my identity and mental health. but like. i’m not picky. i just want a partner :(( someone to see after work. someone to cuddle and watch adventure time with after a long week. hell i wouldn’t mind them being distanced, i love to drive, and it’s not like i have much tying me to this town anyways. i just want a person again. but a good one. not one that’s known for being borderline unstable and insane (actually now that i think about it, common trait amongst all 3 ex’s).

i just want someone. someone who won’t have a mental breakdown when i hang out with my friends, and don’t give all my attention to them. someone who won’t groom me for 3 years just to hurt me in ways i could’ve never imagined. someone who won’t make my identity a joke and then act like nothing happened weeks later, and never truly apologize.

someone who knows me as who i am now. a trans queer guy, who really likes sharks, who’s only gone by K- since they’ve known him. who loves his little squishmallow clips, and his minecraft heelys, and his little ghost tattoo on his arm that matches his friends. someone who met this, and wants to know more.

that’s all i want. someone who wants me for me as who i am now. not who ive been.

10/27/24

[ghostfishk]

oh to be held and to be loved by someone in a romantic way. oh to be. truly.

10/12/24

[ghostfishk]

i want a boyfriend, or a partner. someone constant in my life again. i have freedom, i have a car i can go ANYWHERE and here i am. alone in my moms house spiraling and losing hope because i feel so incredibly lonely. i don’t know if i can do it anymore. why isn’t is easy for me like it is for everyone else. why can’t i have a person. platonically, romantically, in any way. i feel so lonely. please. anyone. someone who i can hold. someone who will look at me and genuinely want to be around me. be with me. not someone who’s adding me to their group because i’m lonely. someone who’s making me thier group. because they want me. please. if anyone’s listening. please. i spend my entire life growing up with peoplenot good for me. but now i feel like im nothing if im not with somekne. it doesn’t even have to be a full relationship. i just want someone to hold my hand. to show interest. to WANT to talk to me in those ways. even if it doesn’t turn out. even if it’s just temporary. please

please

please.

10/1/24

[ghostfishk]

i still really like him. and it’s sort of consuming me. and he’s joking around with me more, we’re actually talking like how i talk with the other people i’m friends with. still only during work but it’s really nice. he’s really nice. i think he’s really attractive but i also think he’s 100% straight, and im not gonna do anything that’ll make him uncomfortable because ive only known him for 6 months. i realistically don’t know shit about this man, but he’s really nice, and i like being around him.

i made a pickup order for pasta and alfredo sauce and he walked by me all smiley and just said “i hope you enjoy your pasta” and just, the fact that he thought about me, and recognized my name, in an ORDER is making my brain go feral. because what do you mean people actually think about me outside of when i’m right infront of them.

and then we were looking at the grid before he left and he was looking for my name?? and sounded disappointed when i was in style and not gm/fullfillment?? i cannot handle it. my brain. will not shut up. AAAAAA

i’m no longer as spiraling mentally as i was earlier this week. i took wednesday off and im feeling much better. it’s kind of that numb dissociative happiness but im doing good nonetheless.

i say this but the mere thought of the last of us season 2 coming out and what i know happened in the games makes me want to sob. this season WILL ruin me and i just get to go through it

speaking of things to watch, “i saw the tv glow” is on max and im so nervous to watch it. i want to, so bad, but i do not want it to genuinely break me. i may be doing better but man, idk if ill ever be fully ready to watch that movie

9/26/24

[ghostfishk]

went shopping with my brother. walked around target for an hour and a half because no matter how old he is he shops like a 10 year old when he’s given any money. which is whatever but i’m in there everyday and saw everyone i wanted really fast. and we weren’t even like activly shopping for an hour and a half. it was 45 minutes actually walking around the store, and then probably 45 minutes just looking at hair care and SNACKS

THIS KID SPENT 30 MINUTES JUST PICKING OUT SNACKS

i’m so tired now :(( i expected to be gone an hour tops, go to michaels and target, but nope. 2 whole hours

i fixed my glasses!!!!! not well, as it’s just hot glued back togeayher BUT they’re wearable and I CAN SEEEEz

i saw him when i was at target, FUCK he’s cute. i simply cannot stop thinking about him, or smiling all goofy around him. and thankfully the way i interact with him isn’t that different than how i interact with E or T, but it’s pretty different from how i usually interact with cis men, but the more i warm up to these people the better i am at interacting similarly.

9/22/24

[ghostfishk]

litterally the worst shift ever

i get there at 430. full of energy because i litterally spent all day sleeping. i am in orders for an hour, and at 530 my manager walkies for me. she tells me that at 6 im being taken OUT of orders and put on self checkout. technically i had the option of self checkout or check lane but self checkout is generally more chill. in my opinion/previous experience atleast. so i get up there at 6. and its going pretty good, until its time to start sending people to breaks. so i send someone on thier break, and get trained on guest service/basically the help counter. it’s pretty easy, not that different from my other job. and then the person training me leaves for the day, and we close the help desk. all good. i redirect people to the check lane where someone can help them with returns or exchanges, and i help with pickup orders as much as i can. all is well. i start closing registers. and then it hits 9pm. and another person up front leaves, because she’s a minor and can’t work past 9? or so, due to labor laws and shit. all good all well. there’s someone gathering carts, someone in a check lane and me on self checkout. and i ask my manager “hey, what’s the plan for pulling cash for these?”

and she walks me through it, i close two of the self checkouts and it’s was a busy last hour so im not able to get to the other two in time. and then at 9:58, someone walkies. “have we done any closing announcements? there’s still a pretty good amount of people in here” my fucking heart drops and suddenly, all the adrenaline i have had pushing me along for the past four hours fucking vanishes. i feel like i failed, i still feel like i failed closing self checkout even tho i did everything else right. and it’s not even like we were held up that much after, not at all really. no one was mad at ME, that i knew of, but i feel like i failed everyone.

worked with him today. i genuinly thought i was over it, but talking to him at any point today made my brain complete mush. and it’s so fuckrd up. :((

me him and B, a girl i graduated with and genuinely really enjoy working with were standing and talking while i was bagging an order, now i have an intense “fear” of being watched while i do things so i stop and talk to them. he, in like a really fake serious tone goes “K—(name) what are you doing?? keep stowing your order” i laugh, and start doing something and i look over and there talking but he’s also just staring me down. and then he says “im just gonna stare at you while you stow this” i, being me, get flustered, and babble some random ass sounds and a

“please don’t >:(“ as he laughs and walks away

and that just, solidified my stupid feelings for this probably straight man who ONLY sees me as a coworker/possible “friend”

and then he took over orders, because by the time he left for the day orders would’ve flipped over for the night, and dispite my protest to the manager of “why not put him up front, where he enjoys being more than orders or gm, and where he’s fully trained everywhere, vs me who’s only trained checkout?” but she just kinda blew it off not wanting to make it more complicated than it was (it wasn’t complicated, she just can’t make up her mind)

but every time he’d walk by i couldn’t help but glance over at him. a mix of needed to be aware of everything around me, and also it just being him.

and we’d shoot the shit but he was mostly focused on his orders, which as he should be.

he does make it more worth it to get though shifts, even if litterally nothing will happen. his existence makes me happy and the chance of being actual friends with him, does the same.

speaking of friends, learned today that i won’t be able to be with my friends on a day we all got off specifically to hangout and watch the new season of heartstopper togeather. and today E told me that actually!! only one of us can spend the night at her house not the both of us. and the left out one is going to be me, willingly, because i don’t want G to get upset about us choosing to not include him, and i’m just to fucking exhausted to give a shit at this point.

i’m so tired. it’s bed time. altho i might cry myself to sleep tonight because everything hurts and im so overwhelmed and exhausted.

9/20/24

[ghostfishk]

i think all i crave is a partner. a cute dorky neurodivergent guy who plays games and has some completely out of left field special interest. i want a boyfriend. i want to know what mlm love feels like. or atleast the closest i can get being an ace trans guy. 

that’s what i want.

9/19/24

[ghostfishk]

uh oh i’m slipping again.

i havnt updated because really i have nothing to talk about.

my friends keep hanging out without me, not even making an effort to see me or invite me. i feel so left out, and i can’t even bring it up.

i think i’m finally losing the feelings for him, but i also might just be losing feelings. i feel so numb and litterally nothing feels like it can help anymore.

i feel so numb. the past week or so has just blended togeather as one big blur. if it wasn’t for the fact that i’m off tomorrow i wouldn’t even know what day of the week it was. i feel like im reaching and grasping at every little thing trying to hang in here but i don’t know if i have the strength to pull myself up. and it feels like everyone is just watching, not reacting, not even walking away, just standing there. watching. as i slowly slip further and further away from reality.

why can’t i just be loved. why can’t someone just love me the way i love them. why does it always end. and why do i always feel like it’s in some way my fault. i can’t do it anymore. i can barely handle waking up every day.

i’m slipping. and no one is reaching out and grabbing my hand.

i’m not strong enough to pull myself back up.

i’m to tired

it’s not worth it

9/18/24

[ghostfishk]

i need to leave this town soon. i need october to come so much faster. i am so close to just losing it every single day. i forgot my blanket. i forgot my headphones. everything i do with these dogs is wrong. everything i say is wrong. everything i fucking do is wrong. even when i do exactly what they say it’s wrong. it’s worse than my family because atleast my family doesn’t call me out for every little fucking thing anymore. i get attitude with them because they don’t even try to process what i say unless i explain it out. i’m activly nonverbal after work. they know this. it happens LITTERALLY EVERY TIME WE HANG OUT. and yet they make fun of me every time a sentence isn’t perfectly put together. and i know they don’t mean it in a bad way but i cannot fucking handle it . i’m so close to just losing it and it’s not entirely thier faults andi don’t want to take it out on them but i genuinely cannot handle it anymore.

work wasn’t that bad today. we had a few call offs but nothing unusual. we got through it as normal as we could. nobody wanted to completely die by the end of it, atleast in my area.

dominos 🔛🔝. 10/10 can’t get enough of it.

that’s all. if k think anymore i will have a meltdown because i don’t have my headphones and the show is to loud and the dogs are still playing and this fucking gummy bag is crinkling every other second.

9/14/24

[ghostfishk]

actually listened to the will wood demo from 2018 of i/me/myself and holy fuck. i see what people mean now. also?? my current situation of massive attraction to a cishet guy as a trans guy?? encapsulates it perfectly. i may have listened to that song atleast 30 times driving around tonight. and now my voice is dead.

he didn’t work today, i’m really curious what his schedule is at this point, is it somehow every other week/weekend? i actually kinda missed him. i wish i knew how long it would take for this crush to go away tho. it’s so, funky?? usually the trope is hurt by men find comfort in women/t4t relationships , why am i the opposite. why have i been hurt by women and t4t relationships way more. and now im seeking comfort in a CISHET MAN?? 10th grade me would be APPALLED.

my friends continue to hangout without me. i even sorta brought up hanging out with them tonight and it wasn’t even acknowledged. i need to say something, i know i do, but i truly do not know if i can handle that rn.

october 6th. october 6th and i get to go see my dad again. i miss him and my stepmom, and brothers, and the animals so bad it’s insane. i feel like that will help so much. because until i get my own home, that place feels the most like home, hands down. i’m so excited.

i think i hyperextended my knee earlier, it hurts so bad to bend and stand on. 0/10 don’t need this rn

9/13/24

[ghostfishk]

had some terrible nightmares last night. no like jumpscares or major bad thing. just weirdly graphic and generally uncomfy and it made me really anxious.

it’s been a few days since i’ve wrote. it’s been rough. my two friends keep hanging out, i’ve barely talked to them in the past week outside of when i work with one of them/take her home. and that doesn’t count. they spend every wednesday together, and most of their plans are over by the time i start getting ready for work, and yet, im never invited unless i ask and it’s so exhausting. i miss hanging out with people. everyone else is so busy with school, and i don’t even feel like i know them well enough to hang out with them. so im just. so lonely. and it’s terrible. and i feel like i can’t bring it up because im probably just being dramatic. but it just hurts. so much. i just hurt. so much.

9/12/24

[ghostfishk]

yesterday was good. we got a new person!! and he was the one who got to train her :). she seems really nice and i’m really excited to have more people, tho im anxious for when seasonal start hiring in.

i talked to him a bit yesterday, just in passing, while he was showing new girl around. i cannot stop thinking about his smile. i walked into the back after my break when our lead was explaining the training plan to both of them, and i did my little wave and his SMILE. it’s driving me crazy. how can this straight man be so cute god damnit.

when i first got in, it was a bit of a struggle to think, i had to push beauty reshop, and that sucked because its a ton of tiny items in a very small area. 0/10 but once i got done with that i was able to focus on pushing actual pulls and that was nice. i need to figure out with him if he prefers pushing carts or uboats, because i just grab carts, because other people i push with prefer pushing the uboats but i dont want to stick him with JUST big stuff, because i know how that can get annoying.

i need to talk to my store manager today at job B. my schedule next week is really funky with my availability, aka i’m scheduled on a tuesday when i can only work mondays and wednesdays. and i really don’t want this to become a problem. i’m really hoping that it was just a mistake with her just learning how to make the schedules. if not i might just be working one day next week, because i can’t work the tuesday im scheduled because im not gonna call off on job a because it’s the better paying job. so i hope it’s not a huge issue.

I GOT TO MEET THE KITTENS. they were amazing. such sweet babies. 10/10 cannot wait to see them every single sunday for d&d

9/9/24

[ghostfishk]

i hate it here. i don’t know if i can handle spending the night with them both anymore. i feel like a nuisance. a third wheel. just something getting in the way.

a spider appeared in my car. i physically cannot move when there’s a spider. i completely freeze up. and if i try to do anything else i will have a full panic attack/meltdown. i. cannot. do. spiders. and she got so pissed at me. i had nothing to smush it. it didn’t go a way that i could hit it out the window. i physically couldn’t do anything. and it made its way over to her side and they also couldn’t do anything. so after a while of absolute silence and tension they finally told me to just go. okay. cool. so what’s the plan with the 2 drink carriers and 2 bags of food? now i was definitely kinda rushed in saying that, and came across pushy and maybe even a little shitty but i just had a really rough shift and there’s a fucking spider in my car that’s supposed to be my only safe space right now, but she got mad at me for asking and i could see once we actually got going that she was texting our other friend, probably ranting about the whole situation which is valid, like it was really wonky but it also makes me feel like shit and i don’t know what to do about it.

they keep correcting me on my own existence. they say i am asleep the whole time. from 1-4 i slept maybe 2 hours if. and when i was out. i was generally out, but most of it was me with my headphones trying not to have a meltdown and just fucking ignoring them because they do not fucking understand that i just don’t care. they might be able to function off of 3 hours of sleep but if i even try, with the shit i do in a day, i will have a meltdown and die. i can barely function on a normal 7-8 hour 12-8am sleep i realistically probably need to sleep 10+ hours with the amount of stuff i do in a shift but if i did i simply wouldn’t have a life.

i talk about how i push all shift, and it feels like she tries to show me up by saying how many racks she pushed. which yes. it sucks how much you had to do but i also did a lot and it doesn’t feel good when i try to rant about work and you IMMIDIATLY hit me with how bad your shift was, or how thats “normal” to you or you’ve had worse. like i love you but genuinely shut the fuck up i cannot handle it much longer.

today was good work wise, productive, not overwhelming as much as it’s been. good people? talked to him quite a bit, starting to build a genuine connection, and humor between the two of us, along with mentioning some things about trans existence. nothing major, just mentioning that i’ve only been going by K- for about a year. he made a joke i should go as a ghost for halloween, and i made a joke that with normal friends would be funny but i don’t know if it actually landed with him.

tomorrow i get to meet kittens when i go play d&d and im so excited. they are what’s keeping me going this week. i’m so excited to leave work early, same time as him. and i’m so excited to go and see cats. and to sleep in my own bed after, and then not work until 3 the day after but it’s also the easy job. i cannot wait until 845pm so i can be over this week and start next week maybe a little bit more normal

hopefully my ipad doesn’t die before i can fall asleep

because i will have a meltdown if i cannot music. they will not be quiet. they’re talking about some comic con ripoff.

9/7/24

[ghostfishk]

today was weird. spent all day pushing backroom pulls, a new thing we started around 2 weeks ago, and i’m always stuck pushing because i’m slower at pulling. and it makes sense but i also feel like i don’t see anyone as much. and i feel like i get no time to just chill between carts.

spending the weekend with my friends dog sitting, but only at night, we’re leaving at like 10 am, which is strange. two beagles i think, mable and huck. and a cat, zeze (?) he’s so chunky and i love him. this is our first time hanging out as a trio since chicago 3 weeks ago. which doesn’t sound like a lot of time but really what it means is MY first time hanging out with THEM since chicago, they have hung out togeather multiple times since, which has sucked so much for me, i’ve just felt so lonely because of it. but i don’t wanna bring it up because i don’t want to come off as desperate or clingy, or make them feel bad for hanging out. i just feel really excluded, and as the the most recent person added to this trio i feel like it’s much easier for them to just, forget about me? almost? and it’s like a snowball effect, they forget about me so i distance myself and it just keeps repeating. which i think is also why ive gotten so attached to coworkers but.

like as i’m typing this they’ve been talking about stuff i don’t know about, and won’t explain it to me, they just assume i know already even tho it was only said in thier dms. and when i was changing they claimed thier spots and i didn’t even get a say at all. i’m just so tired of it but i can’t say anything about it because i cannot handle losing my only friends, again, again.

9/6/24

[ghostfishk]

today was actually nice, i saw all my favorite people to work with, we got through all of our tasks really smoothly, i wasnt stressed all shift trying to get everything done on time. i saw him :). the crush is subsiding greatly now, i still think about him a lot, and get all goofy when i talk to him, but its a lot less of an obsession as it was just a few days ago. now i just kinda exist in a state of, hes really cute, but hes not gonna ask, because hes yknow, straight. so im over it. but i do i think im finally emotionally ready for a relationship again, and that alone is really comforting. i realized today that im really stiff with how i stand at work, which deffinetly adds to why im so overstimulated, cuz im not moving enough in my own way to let out that energy. wwhether its my swaying back and forth while standing and talking, or even hand fidgets, i didnt realize how much i surpressed it cuz of how anxious ive been about what people think of me. but, im starting to realize more and more that no one cares, but in the good way, they like me for me, not the persona i put on to seem "normal" and an big part of that is that were all neurodivergent in that store, not a single one of these closers are neurotypical, and im thriving because of it. i got denied by an apartment cuz my credit is low because its new :// but, i might be moving in with my best friends cousin, theyre both really close, and something i find really ironic and funny is said friend tried to set the two of us up when i thought i was mostly cis and a lesbian (spoiler alert im an ace bi trans guy) and now her dream of us living togeather is probably coming true lmao thats all, today was really nice :))

9/5/24

[ghostfishk]

he’s just, so cute?? i just wanna hold his hand and hug him. but this guy is definitely straight, and i am definitely not a woman, and it’s so evil. so it’s one of those ride out this crush until im over it and we can be friends. cuz he’s such a good guy.

who would’ve thought my biggest support system wouldn’t be my family, or the people i grew up with friend wise, but these completely random people who ive only worked with since APRIL. i can talk to these people about gender, and not be mocked or laughed at for being weird, i can just be autistic and goofy without being infantilized. people show genuine concern and empathy when im not doing good.

THESE PEOPLE MAKE GROUP CHATS AND START PLANS WITHOUT ME INITIATING IT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME JUST BECAUSE IM ME

it’s litterally surreal and it’s really what’s keeping me going right now. that these people, would genuinely feel bad if i didn’t come back. i’ve built genuine connections and relationships with these people. and it’s gonna suck when we all go on with our lives but i can only hope to make forever relationships, people who i can spend time with when im lonely, people i can love and hold, just, people who are around me because they want to

be. not because i’m some mentally ill child basically begging for attention.

9/4/24