ghostfishk

[ghostfishk]

can i be loved? am i capable of feeling loved? am i capable of BEING loved? my anxiety gets in the way of everything. i messaged him finally. nothing super just a first insta message asking him what movies he thinks i should watch. as someone who doesn’t watch movies. and like im not surprised he hasn’t seen it. but i’m also terrified. terrified that i overstepped somewhere, terrified that he actually hates my guts and im harassing him. i’m so afraid of how im perceived. i just wish i could be me. i am me. but do they like me? i fuck up all the time. how can anyone stand me? am i really worth it?

am i worth it to me?

i’m not what’s keeping me here. it’s my dog. and my baby brother. and my dad and not disappointing my friends and my family. i’ve stuck around for this long i might as well see where it takes me. but what if it goes nowhere. what if im just here. alone. forever? am i okay with that outcome?

i don’t know

my dream is me and a partner, spouse of some sort

either in the woods or on a farm. somewhere with land.

we have chickens, and dogs. and cats. maybe even a rescue of some kind

i’m a marine biologist, they’re whatever they want to be.

and we’re happy, and stable. and i’m happy.

but i everytime i dream about it i see it less and less. and all i see is me.

i want a person. a constant. someone to lean on when i’m not doing okay. someone who can trust me with anything at all. someone who will love me the way i love them. someone. anyone.

i want adult love. not the fucked up grooming, or the full highschool love that i just clung onto for something to have

i want to have a person and break up like an adult. or maybe i’ll get lucky and i’ll just find my person. my forever

but is that possible for me?

do i have a person? a forever?

i think about the outcomes of asking him out. and i just can’t see him saying yes.

would he? even if he was queer.

am i someone to say yes to?

am i worth it?

i don’t think so. what would they see in me?

i’m an idiot. and autistic fucking idiot who can’t do anything right.

how do they love me so?

when i’m just. me.

3/9/25

[ghostfishk]

i was talking to E about everything that happened on friday. and they said the more i tell about C the more she also thinks he might not be as straight as i thought/thinks he might like me back. and im lowkey spiraling because of it.

i also went to K8s on sunday and when i told her about him lowkey making an effort to come talk to me she made a face, and said something but the tone was like. made me feel like i was missing something. like i just said something that so obviously meant something that now im kinda losing my minds

i get in and it’s supposed to be me and O closing. E had been in nyc for a few days at that point. Cl and J weren’t closing-closing but were out at 8-830. around 30 minutes before she was supposed to come in O called off. meaning i was going to be alone after 830. g r e a t. i was lowkey losing my mind while folding when APK came up to me, he started small talk, asked how i was and i was jsjt so frustrated that i told him everything before i could even think. it was kind awkward and i feel bad. then i get called back to the fitting room. i go back there and on my way C starts walking by, me and APK start walking with him, and we make jokes about us following him, blah blah. i kinda rant to him about how i get to close alone and how im lowkey dreading it. and he doesn’t really respond. and i kinda got in my head a bit about being stupid and annoying lolol. cut to around 730. Cl and Ju call me back to the fitting room. they’re kinda bickering, and while we’re talking TLK comes back, and almost immediately C walks by and stops to chat with us. me and him are like right next to eachother just watching Cl and Ju sort of argue, when C looks at TLK if style needs any help after they leave. he hesitatingly says no, saying that C needs to get his zones done and blah blah.

i figured that was that, i’d close alone and i’ll just cope.

830 rolls around and after ju walkies that she’s leaving for the night i go back to the fitting room to assess what im dealing with. not even a full 10 minutes and guess who comes back? fucking C. i ask him what he’s doing back there and he says he’s gonna help me.

he abandoned his zones. didn’t ask TLK. just decided to do style instead. and like he can get away with it cuz he’s been working there for 5 years. and it was really nice.

we talked a lot. i was actually able to ask him questions and we joked around and i taught him things.

at one point he held up some flowey women’s shorts and said “these shorts are nonbinary!” and i chuckle, and he immidiatly gets all quiet and goes “..can i say that?” i’m all smiley and i say “well, it made me laugh so yea it’s fine :)” and he smiled and it was so cute

a little later he asks me if i listen to ed sheeran, i say no and he nods and says “good. if you did i think id have to unfriend you”. that has stuck in my head in such an odd way. wdym you consider me a friend?? we don’t talk outside of work and im like borderline obsessed with you.

and then we pushed out a Z rack. and it was so funny seeing him try to figure stuff out and just straight up refuse my help. there was so many times where he called me over, just to immediately go “nono wait i got this” and then he started making that stupid rock face when looking for something in the toddler section. it was so dumb but so cute.

we were pushing some girls clothes when suddenly he looks at me and loudly goes “K- ARE YOU A MAN OF GOD?” we both start laughing so hard because it truly caught me so off guard. we back and forth about it a bit while we’re pushing mens. i learn he’s also not religious (aka i asked him if he’s a man of god and he just laughed and said no). and the N comes over and C tells him that I asked him if he was a man of god. i was like kinda mentally clocked out of the conversation just smiling and nodding. happy to be there, when N looks at me and goes “well why’d you ask him that” it takes me a second to figure out what was going on. how dare he. apparently he asked because he saw some mormon missionaries earlier that day. C talks to N a bit more about style and how he’s actually having fun, and then we go back to the fitting room.

by this point TLK walks over to see how style is doing and finds C back there. he doesn’t give him a lot of shit, he just seemed more excused and ready to leave rather than care. a little later we take stuff to the back, we do the style out of stocks, and then we head upfront. after close C goes “HEY TLK IS STYLE GOOD TO GO”

it was nice. it was such a nice close. i didn’t wanna kms and i got to talk more to him.

he closes friday and saturday this week and im so excited to see him. lowkey thinking about picking up a shift thursday night if they let me both for more money and so maybe see him 3 days.

who knows i’ll probably lose my mind on here on like sunday unless something happens !!

3/4/25

[ghostfishk]

i don’t even know what to type. i’m so exhausted. he seems so happy to see me. but i’m so afraid i’m making it up because it’s what i want to see. he’s so sweet and so nice. we havnt seen eachother much the past two days. it’s honestly evil if you ask me.

yesterday we passed each other a lot, that was nice. my brain has been so foggy i honestly don’t know what happened.

friday we mostly passed each other, then around 9, TLJ had all of the gm people come over to style and pick up the floor. cuz we were going through it. we had just started pushing a z, and i took swim so i could be nosey and see who was brought over and up walls C with some swim he found. i show him where it goes and then he walks away. style finishes the Z and i go over to toddler to fold. and there C is. i’m still atleast 7 feet away when he sees me and the biggest fucking cutest god damn smile appears on his face. i question him, asking if he’s supposed to folding, or picking up the floor.

“i don’t know but im having fun :)”

we back and forth for a second and then i start folding next to him,

“*gasp* K- are you folding with me”

i laugh and say yes.

i tell him he should just stay in style the rest of the night. he says he totally would if toys wasn’t a mess. TLJ walks by and i tell him C should stay in style. he laughs and says “yea when toys isn’t a train wreck”

later C folds a shirt and can’t find where it goes. he assumes it girls but still asks me where it is. i walk over to show him and he goes “it’s in boys? but it has pink!”

“hey! boys can wear pink”

“hmmm i don’t know thats not very gender norm conforming”

then TLJ tells everyone it’s time to move to mens and athletic. C rolls his eyes and makes a very loud complaining noise, and he starts to walk away when he puts on this stupid fucking toddler hat. it looked so stupid on him.

he starts to walk away and then he turned around “K, do you wanna come fold in men’s with me?”

i go OKAY! and happily follow behind him. he immidiatly goes “K, are you following me?”

i roll my eyes and go “whaaat, nooo, i’m just going to fold in men’s because it’s a mess”

he laughed :)

we got over to men’s graphics. and we talk about a few things, twilight, how i was allowed to watch stuff like TWD when i was like 9, and how the selection of graphic tees kinda sucks. after about 5 minutes TLJ tells everyone it’s time to go back to thier own stuff. C once again like quietly complains to me. and then while TLJ is walking around C is like hiding around the graphic tee wall. it was so funny. and cute.

then after close everyone was getting their stuff. E clocks out and says she’s gonna go buy cheese, i clock out after her out habit but i stay in the break room, listening to a conversation going on amongst GM. APPARENTLY C fell asleep in his car and was late to his shift dispite being in the damn parking lot. fucking dumbass. then they all start clocking out and when C clocks out and starts to walk away and i also walk away. he goes “k!! were you waiting for me?”

“yea kinda haha”

i walk by him over to E, who’s checking out, and he kinda hangs by the door talking to TLJ, E finishes so we go to leave and then C also immidiatly leaves.

and then he starts getting on me about wearing a coat. he’s been doing this for weeks now. now i wanna stop wearing hoodies out of spite but i don’t actually wanna get sick lololol. but he’s giving me all this crap saying i’m gonna get sick blah blah. i keep going “ill be fiiine” smiling like a fucking moron

today we super didn’t see eachother, our lunches overlapped and that’s really it. i walk in to the back around 6, to grab a cart and do my pulls C and O are in my way and right before i ask to get through C goes “do you need a cart?” and gives me his. nothing major i just thought it was sweet. then 30 minutes later we both go on our lunches. he went about 3 minutes before me. i walkie out for my lunch right before i walk into the breakroom, i look over to where he usually sits and he’s already looking at me, smiling. “K—!!” i set my stuff down on the table infront of his and clock out, and when i come back over we immidiatly start talking about how insane style is. reshop hadn’t been grabbed and it was terrible, and i had been stuck at the fitting room for 4 hours at that point. with no end in sight.

and then we talk about d&d a little, appearently him and N had been talking about it so that’s why he was thinking about it. i think playing with them would be fun. i do suck tho. i get very spooked in the moment and cant really articulate what i want to do.

and then we kinda don’t talk anymore. i can’t think of anything to say, but everytime he would tap or move id instinctively look up and then he’d look up and we’d make eye contact for bits

then i don’t see see him until after close. i was supposed to stay for the walk but TLK finished his stuff in time he could do it instead. 10/10 worked out perfectly. i speed get my stuff togeather so i could walk out with everyone else, and A was waiting for me once they knew i was free, and when i was clocking out i noticed C was also waiting down by the door. the three of us walk out and talk to TLK for a bit, and then me, A, C, and N all walk out togetaher, C and N kinda ahead, but i ended up going the same way cuz the 3 of us parked near eachother. C and N were talking about something, when they get to thier cars and say bye. i wasn’t gonna say anything cuz i fear and then C just goes “BYE K!!!” i smile and say bye. and then subsequently lost my mind in my car :P

i’m so excited for tuesday. i’m going to my dads after work, and then im going to the Newport aquarium either Wednesday or Thursday and im gonna be there forever. never leaving. i’m so excited. i truly need it. i think it’ll fix all of my problems.

2/22/25

[ghostfishk]

i didn’t see him for a week, he either called off or was off on tuesday. but he was there on friday. i didn’t see him much. he walked by the fitting room when i first got in. i was so hyped about valentine’s day. so i was all happy and smiling. he walks by and i do a quick little wave, which completely throws the thought i was trying to say off course. i don’t see him for a while, then im folding in mens and he’s pushing baby stuff.

he says my name, i say his name. he goes “hi K-“ i go “hi C-“ and then we do our seperate stuff. later im up zoning in girls when i hear him walkie for our manger go come up front, and switch walkie channels. i’m nosy, so i switch. and some lady walked into the back of customer service and didn’t say anything just asked for a manager. i tell this to E and O and E hands me some reshop and tells me “because you’re closer to C and A (other coworker up there, who was acting kinda spooked) you have to be the one to go up there”

that stuck with me in a weird way. i’m “close” to these people. i have my own set relationships outside of just being E’s friend. that’s a wild concept to me.

so i go up there and he immidiatly starts talking to me about how he made plans with a friend from school to go drinking that night. and how he was so tired and didn’t wanna do it. i said he should cancel if he’s so tired, and he says he can’t and he’ll feel bad. then our manager comes over and the two of them talk for a second. i stand there, cuz im nosy, and i learn than the lady who went behind customer service had her car hit in the parking lot and wanted to see if we got any footage of it. wild shit.

i start to walk away, and i tell C he should join me and the style girls over folding in kids. he smiles and walks next to me. he asks if there’s anything in the fitting room to do, i say we’re just ignoring it, trying to get our zones done instead. but he joins us. and he’s getting better, we had a whole bit where i had to show him how to fold a weird shirt, and then we complained about the other weird shirts. me and the other two start talking about how we need to get salvage and CRC together when manager walkies about people grabbing the last of their pulls. he groans because he had some drop in, and he walks away. i immidiatly look at E and she gives me the most knowing teasing look i’ve ever seen.

we get our stuff together snd start walking to the back, where C and Ow are pushing a flat of toy stuff. C says i should help them, and i look at E, and she says no. we all kinda go back and forth, but in the end i didn’t help, saying i didn’t have a choice.

“ILL REMEBER THIS K-“

I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE :((

the entire flat ended up being backstock anyways LMAO

we start getting our stuff ready to leave. i’ve started putting my hoodie on by the desk, not by the lockers cuz it’s just to crowded over there, im putting my hoodie on when he walks in

“K put a coat on!!”

i roll my eyes and say something back and then i leave

this weekend has felt so long without him

i really hope he works tomorrow :(

it took so much in me not to message him on insta saying he should come work a style shift but i’m sure he’s busy. and i fear that’s just weird

grr why can’t i just have the balls to make a move so i can either get a boyfriend or get rejected already

2-17-25

[ghostfishk]

new year same issues 😎😎😎

i finally bit the bullet and followed him on insta. he didn’t follow me back but also didn’t like remove me as a follower so that’s a good sign??

i got permanently moved departments so i don’t work near him as much, which has sucked. BUT now he’s like changing his route if he’s in toys to come see me???

it started like 2-3 weeks ago when i started getting solely style shifts.

he passed by the fitting room every so often, sometimes he’d have clothes he found, sometimes he just walked right by. and then towards the end of the night he stopped and we just talked for a little bit. i learned his new schedule, and then i asked him why he came back here. he didn’t really have an answer, he didn’t bring back any clothes, his cart had reshop in it he was supposed to be pushing. but he just wanted to stop and talk to me.

a few days later, he’s put upfront(yippee). i go up to grab style reshop and he’s just kinda drowning in customers. before i can even get all the way over he comes up to me. “k- can you help me, i have to grab this order from the back, can you cover guest service”

i’m not trained in guest service, atleast not to a point id feel comfortable doing it. so he hands me his device and i run to the back to get the order for him. i pass him on my way back upfront, another dropped in, so we switch devices again, and he like goes to grab it from my pocket before i could. spooked me a little bht mmm.

a week or two goes by, until the most recent friday. we barely see eachother, i see him maybe twice in the back room, including when i first got in and we had like a store safety meeting. im standing like against the wall. fidgeting with my hands and my little pant accessories. both because im anxious to be at work, and im trying to focus on what my TL is talking about and also hes like right next to me. the meeting wraps up, and im fidgeting with my little pant vine, and i look over at him and hes just looking down at my hand and then looks up at me and smiles. and i havnt stopped thinking about that.

when we’re clocking out that night he very loudly says “K- i’ve barely seen you today where were you!!” and then when i tell him i got permanently moved to style he seemed upset?? and that’s not a new thing. he’s been like that since november i’d say? i’d walk by him and he’d ask if im in style that day, i’d say yes and he’d be all 😤🙄. it’s so cute.

and then he started getting on me about not wearing a coat. i never wear a coat i can’t stand them, never have been able to. i was wearing a crewneck sweater, its a thick sweater tho. but he just goes on about how im gonna get sick and blah blah. i roll my eyes at him and tell him ill be fine.

and then saturday. oh god saturday. he’s in E,F,seasonal. thank the lord for our new closing lead. i walk in, talk to my coworkers for a bit about what to do, and i go to grab our pulls. he’s at the stow station. he says hi, very loudly. i love when he does that. i hate attention but man. i grab a cart and we start talking.

“K- never takes long breaks, he sets a timer!”

and then he starts complaining about L. and how he takes insanely long breaks and another coworker is stressing about it because there’s a lot of orders and he also needs to take a break. L had been on his 30 minute lunch for 40+ minutes at that point. we talk a little about how no one likes L cuz he’s just an asshole for absolutely no reason. and then i walk away to do my pulls.

we take our first break at like the exact same time (obv not planned). i’m sitting towards the back of the break room. and he immediately sits at the table directly infront of me, facing me. i’ve noticed he’s starting to do it no matter where i sit. whether im in my normal spot or not. we talk about people who take insanely long breaks and how annoying it is. and then one of my style coworkers walk in to take her break, and he asks how style is going, and we tell him not very good, the fitting room is mostly a disaster and zones havnt been touched much.

and then my break ends. i noticed the feb calendar with birthdays and stuff is posted, so i go and i check it out. and i look over at him and he’s just looking at me, smiling. i smile and say something stupid like “not a lot of february birthdays”, and then i walk away.

our lunches line up too but we don’t really talk. but we did sit in the same spots at the first 15

and our final 15’s didn’t like up at all.

i figure that’s it, i probably won’t talk to him again until we close. lol nope. he comes back to the fitting room at 9. with ONE hoodie. he says he found it litterally across the store. i give him crap about it, and then he starts talking

about how bored he is becusse he finished his pulls and his reshop and now he’s zoning in not his zones. i tell him he should just sit back here, and hang out with me. and without hesitation he sits in the chairs by the desk. i start doing my job but i simply cannot focus. G walks by, we say he should come join us, he stands by for a little bit and we talk about job and then he walks away. then me and C talk about D&d, and about how my group hasn’t actually played in months cuz the Dm’s house got backed into. and then he stands up and goes “K- teach me how to do the fitting room” and walks behind the desk. and i do, and he does a pretty good job. and obviously i’m not good at teaching people things, but it goes well. and we talk for a bit about me being moved to style, and i joke that he should move to style, or pick up a shift, and i don’t know if he was joking or not but he also says he should. but we stood back there for almost 30 minutes, just talking and working. and it was really nice. then one of my style coworkers walked back to the fitting room, and we all talked for a bit and then He walked away, he took a cart and our reshop from the fitting room, and had some stuff he had to finish.

then E comes back to the fitting room and style starts getting together what we need to take to the backroom. i take salvage and CRC, and we get back there and C and N are also back in receiving, i put my stuff in they’re boxes, and i’m the front of the line. 0/10 hate it. i do not like setting the pace for anything.

i go and i put my cart away, and so does Clo, and then C and N walk over and they have reshop, it’s a style item, and instead of just handing it to me to take back it becomes a group expedition. Me, C, N, and a drive up tm, R. no other style people. i assume they met back up and went back to style to zone. but i wasn’t told what was happening so i followed C and the others. and we started walking to the boys section, where the backpack went. while we were walking C put on this tiny little mario backpack, and N started making comments, yknow normal cisguy flirting. and it was so stupid but funny. we get to boys and C puts it on the peg location. N and R keep walking upfront, and we go to follow them when front walkies about something in toys.

C goes to check it out and i start following him without thinking. we can’t find the item, and then he starts his QR code movie roulette again. where sometimes when you scan a QR code on a package it’ll come up with a bunch of random things including a bunch of movies. and he scans a bunch of things while i just follow him and laugh. he asks what movies i think he should watch, i forget every movie ive ever watched. and then it’s time to leave. i say sorry to my style people about just abandoning them, and E gets kinda shitty with me, i can’t tell if it was joking or not but she just goes “yea, you should be we really could’ve used your help.” and i feel bad but i also really don’t. and idk if that makes me a bad friend or not.

we all start getting ready to clock out, when i grab my hoodie (i had been wearing a T shirt all day). i’m putting it on when C goes “Oh k- you have a hoodie today! good job” i roll my eyes and say something along the lines of “this is basically what i was wearing yesterday”, and then he starts giving me crap about not wearing a hat or gloves or anything. and then A joins him. we all clock out and go out to our cars.

covered in ice. i start my car, so it can warm up, and i start scraping the ice and snow off. he yells something, probably giving me crap abojt it being cold. but there’s like 8 of us just scraping ice off our cars. after like 10 minutes im done and i just sit in my car for a bit. he leaves, and then i also leave.

and now i’m just in a weird waiting state for the next day he works. i want to see him, and talk to him. he’s so stupid and so cute and i simply cannot stop thinking about him.

2/10/25

[ghostfishk]

AAAAAAAHHSHAHHAHAAAAAGGGGGGHHH

i’m so frustrated. why can’t i just find someone. why can’t i just fall in love the normal way. i can’t use dating apps. i can’t ask out coworkers. i cant ask out this guy i’ve been crushing on for MONTHS because i don’t know if he likes me and im 99% sure HES STRAIGHT. BUT I ALSO DONT KNOW. HE SAYS WEIRD THINGS AND HE TALKS TO ME A LOT BUT I ALSO TALK A LOT. AAAASHHHHGHSHHS i hate not being able to understand social cues. and im thinking into small conversations that people probably forget about right after they happen. i remember so much about everyone, and every conversation.

a simple wording mistake and i can’t stop thinking about it. i’m reading into everything i can remember. about his facial expression, and his body movements after an INSANE but simple wording mistake

“you following me? weirdo”

“yea im going to pin you. wait no”

“WOAH WHAT”

“i’m going to CORNER YOU down here”

WHICH WASNT A MUCH BETTER WORDING??

and then i grab my other thing, still laughing about it and he’s just gone

and he doesn’t act any different around me

i think he’s more himself near me. and that makes me really happy. he’s atleast more animated and happy seeming around me.

he gave me the title of “easy to rant to” and that made me really happy for so many reasons

yesterday had the “pin” event. along with him coming out of the freezer and asking me if his hands were cold (they were kinda cold. but also really soft) 10/10 cannot stop thinking about it.

i wish i would keep my mouth shut sometimes becjsse what the HELL does “do you want me to help warm your hands up” FUCKKNG MEAN?? like i know what it means but that CLEARLY didn’t land well.

0/100 hate myself for that one

he paid attention to what i did when i was like early started here.

titles gained yesterday: “easy to rant to” and “the cereal guy”

gave me tons of shit for the cereal cup idea not working. when i did it with like captain crunch and cocoa pebbles. aka easy to sink down cereal. not CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH. also not even my idea, it was emma’s.

today has a lot more interactions. i walk in, he’s at stow. i ask him how he’s doing. “living the dream”. uh oh. lead gets in, and he’s in C,D,baby. cool awesome.

orders have downtime. i ask what i should do and she puts me in baby pulls. cool awesome

i start pulling onto a uboat. he comes over after a while, and just stands on the other side and we just. talk. and it’s really nice. he talks about how he offered to stay til MIDNIGHT if he was put in toys and the lead said NO?? and he ended up staying til 11. i think it’s insane she said no. he’s pretty fast at pulling. and a FOURTH TIL CLOSE?? she’s actually insane for that i do not understand. during this conversation he seems very energetic and happy. throwing a mini “tantrum” over his device not working, and i “fix it” by waving my hands at it.

i go on my first break, and when i get back/have downtime again i see that he’s reorganized what i pulled, in a way that does make sense but it took me a minute to adjust. i see him after a bit and tell him i tried my best to stick to it but the pulls were weird. he says it’s okay, and there really isn’t an organization other than small things in the 3 tier and diapers on the uboat.

i’m in an order and i’m looking for a few things, all that i find in the back other than the weighted pink dino plush. i’m about to wander receiving and lose my mind when i see him at the other side of the back. i just point at him and start walking towards him. he stands there for a second and then acts all panicked and jumps around a bit before speeding out of the back. i get over to where he was and he says “hey k- where’d you go?” and you could hear the smile in his voice. i turn and look out the doors and he’s walking back my way. i show him what im looking for and he takes me over to where the repacks for what im looking for is. but while we’re walking over he’s doing these fun little swoop steps. i don’t know how to describe them but just wide side steps for no reason other than to be funny.

later in a different order i ask him about a couple of blankets. he says he pulled one earlier but he doesn’t see it, and then apologizes for not being able to help me. i kinda get on him about apologizing SO MUCH because he really does.

“stop saying sorry for everything. it’s not your fault??”

“yea people say i apologize to much”

“yea you do, stop it *fingergun*”

i walk away for 2 seconds

*over the walkie* “k- i’m so sorry i couldn’t find those blankets for that order”

rage(/j)

i walk to the back and find E, i ask about a style item. some infant pjs. she leads me to them on the floor. we pass him, and he again loudly apologizes for not being able to find the blankets.

“i’m going to just start fighting you”

and he smiles and laughs

“i’d pay good money to see that fight” -e

weird but go off

i’m stowing that order and telling A about him and the apologizing thing, and she kinda laughs about it but i can kinda tell she probably doesn’t care. idm tho, won’t stop me from talking. but then. he does it again.

completely unrelated thing going on the walkie, that’s involving him. and he once again walkies out saying sorry for not being able to find those FUCKING BLANKETS

grrrablebhhrlisenbdjdjjfmekd SHUT

i do infact think he’s caught on to how easily i get embarrassed over stuff. i mean, i can’t really hide it. i just exist. but i think his constant bringing attention to my existence has helped me in building that up a bit so it’s not death everytime.

he works again tomorrow so we’ll see how it goes. and if anything happens. maybe something insane crazy will happen and he’ll like ask me out or some shit. a man could only hope.

12/20/24

[ghostfishk]

i thought things would feel better. i’m moving out. i should feel good. i feel so alone. all the time. i’m so sick of feeling so fucking alone. i feel so intense and intentionally excluded at this point. i feel like people just don’t even see me at this point. is that why i cling on to these people so hard? has this been my whole life and i’ve been too stupid and naive to see it? being the person “in charge” in the group chats always flowed so well. now i just feel like an annoying ass. is it me? is it them?

why can’t i ever be a part of the plans. all groups just make plans right infront of me. or just barely around me. they talk about things i’ll be there for as if im not even fucking there. i know im younger but im not, stupid?? i don’t think?? i’m just trying to be. i just want to be “one of the boys” why can i just be, myself?? why can’t that be enough. i feel confident enough in who i am but im always so afraid i’ll be that person that everyone talks shit about for being annoying or loud or anything. i want to be perceived but in the way i perceive everyone else. as cool people who i want to talk to more. but no one talks to me like i try to talk to them. is it my fault?? did i come off to stand off-ish? i just want to talk to people. why won’t anyone talk to me.

what did i do wrong

what did i do

who am i

where did i go

where am i

why

12/16/24

[ghostfishk]

a little list i’ve gained over the past few weeks of things he does that are a little 🤔 but could be totally normal i just may not have enough cishet male friends

- [x] the highlighter. the fact that no words were exchanged. he just walked over, put it on my 3tier, looked at me, and walked away

- [x] R: i love how everytime i see you, you have more random accessories // him: DID YOU SEE HIS AWESOME GREEN HIGHLIGHTER

- [x] saying my name a lot. in that TONE. like a very dramatized “annoyance”(exhaustion??) + yelling my name the one day

- [x] apologizing for random things (me being called up for register or into orders, specifically when we’re talking about something.)

- [x] leading me, not like physically but if i’m ever unsure he’ll yell something like “cmon K let’s go”

- [x] the knee crack. and the way he smiled and his face was all red. but like, if it’s anything like how my face works it’s litterally just red. for no reason.

- [x] copying my little wave i do

- [x] we make eye contact like everytime one of us walks by eachother, mine is more being aware

- [x] the possible look/smirk but i have no proof of it because idk im crazy lmao

- [x] the hotwheel he gave me, cuz he couldn’t get it to stay on top of the lockers cuz they’re slanted. (i put it in a different coworkers locker)

- [x] us walking to our cars after closing. he was parked next to me and just kept making it go off, and then make the alarm go off. (i accidentally mistook his car for mine cuz i was tired and autopilotimg mid convo with someone else)

- [x] “HAVE AN AMAZING LUNCH K”/loud walkies calling me out specifically (he infact does this with everyone i just think it’s really cute)

———————————————————————

- [x] i walked by him and we made eye contact and i looked away and did like a raised eyebrows, and when i looked back he was just kinda looking down and smiling.

- [x] waited at the end of the aisle i was back in, didn’t say anything was just standing there until i noticed him. all smiling, i drop the wreath im fighting out of the shelf, and walk over, and ask what’s up. he pauses for a second and then gets back into his ramblings from earlier.

- [x] “HI K ” (i didn’t even see him) and then just looking really happy, and smiling when i walked up to talk to him for a sec before clocking in

- [x] complaining specifically to me, he does it a lot, even in passing, it feels like he makes an effort to complain about stuff near me. ———————————————————————

WE WERE ONCE AGAIN WORKING TOGETHER. i do not know why, im slightly afraid that it’s the leaders calling me slow, but i was also order backup, and he was main register backup so i think they’re just gonna stack us togeather so that no matter what 80% of the time atleast one of us will be in the section

- [ ] we took our 15’s at the same time, and like actually talked. mostly me giving him crap about leaving early (8pm), and actually having stuff to do outside of work. (“i mean not really, all i do is work and school”[no partner 👀]) and then he talked about some school stuff, his availability “opens up” so he leaves at 10 instead of 8 for winter break. we talk about some other things

- [ ] when we first walked into our 15’s he was going to sit in his normal spot in the back corner but stopped when he saw me sitting in my spot and moved a few tables closer so we could actually talk

- [ ] when we got off break he went back to toys to work out returns, while i finished a u-boat i brought out of backroom pulls. he comes around the corner and all i see is a very exaggerated :O before i turn around to put stuff away. we talked some more, mostly about new people and how they suck, he talked about how he thinks he should’ve gotten fired when he first started cuz he sucked, but his parents knew the HR person, so he was kept. i almost said something about “well im happy you stayed” but chickened out because :/:/

- [ ] i finished my uboat and go back to the back, at like 7:55 he comes to the back with a cart that he has to backstock, and as soon as he sees me he goes “K i’m so sorry i couldn’t get to any of the pulls” to which i jokingly give him crap about it, and crap about how dare he leave at 8, and how dare he not do midnights with the rest of us, because it’s so fun. it hits 8, and he leaves the backroom, and walkies out that he’s leaving for the day.

- [ ] i had to pee, so i go into the employee bathroom in the back, and turn off my walkie, because l litterally my biggest fear is accidentally holding the walkie button while im in the bathroom. when i turn it off hes asking about some lanyard in the break in room, another coworkers, doesn’t involve me.

- [ ] appearently, i missed him walkieing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY K” before he left.

- [ ] it’s not my birthday. my birthday is in june. ME AND HIM HAD A CONVERSATION A FEW DAYS AGO BECUSSE HE SAID IT TO ME AND i took it litterally and was just like “my birthdays in june but go off�� BUT I DIDNNT HEAR THIS ONE

- [ ] so E texts me, im confused, she explains it.

- [ ] apprarently everyone said it, and i just ?? missed it?? and like part of me is so happy i did cuz i think id die on the spot but ALSO HOW DARE HE?? i think hes already caught on to the whole, i get embarrassed easily thing.

- [ ] when my favorite manager H left, she walkied out and then added “happy birthday K” to which i finally got to say “it’s not my birthday but okay ;)”, followed a little later by a different coworker, N, walking by me in the back and saying happy birthday

- [ ] how. dare. he.

- [ ] it’s on sight thrusday

12/3/24

[ghostfishk]

RIGHT as i thought i was over this god damn crush, i have this fucking dream and now k can’t stop thinking about cuddling him and holding him god damnit.

we were at some, public theatre event? we picked out costumes like a few weeks before it, i picked a nurse costume. but they were weird. the scrubs themselves were brown with black leopard print. but it also came with these maroon like pj shorts and pj button top, that had to go OVER the scrubs. so we all got changed. i, notably, was comfortable enough to get changed around everyone, which felt so nice. and then right as im finished putting the pants on, the guy i’ve been fighting a crush on for months and FINALLY thought i was over walks in, me and Ev give him crap about being late, and then he comes and sits nexts to me, and rests his hand on my lower back. i try to not, make a scene?? just sitting there all blushing and happy, when he fully leans into me, like head on my shoulder, hands wrapped around me-

“oh hi?” i kinda smile and laugh a bit, trying not to lose my mind cuz even dream me is flustered

“hey, is this okay? “

“mmhm” i nodded, reduced to nonverbal even in dreams

“cuz i can stop if you want, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable”

“no..no you’re fine. this is nice”

“as long as you’re sure.” and he kinda nuzzles himself into my shoulder more

and we just kinda sat there until, idk, he just sat up and started getting changed.

nothing happened there, but when he was done, he mentioned his was a little short, and tight, and the scrubs definitely were, i asked him what size he got and he got a woman’s 3x, cuz he thought it was a men’s and it was the only one left , i tell him i got a men’s 2x. he then decides we need to compare them, because why are those sizes so different. when we’re basically the same size. and then the director (who turned out to be my highschool drama director), came in and said we’re heading in soon, like into the room.

so everyone starts heading out and then it cuts and me, ev, tay, and him all get out of my car?? and i go through a little bit of trying to lock it. and then we go inside, and then i somehow get completely separated from the group, i start looking for them, and i find ev, tay, and 2 other people hiding in like a little corner talking about something. i go over and ask what’s going on, and i get absolutely ignored. so i walk away, and go inside the auditorium. i pass by director, and tell her about what’s going on with the others, and then i head in, i can’t make it down to my group, the auditorium is SUPER tall, and the group with the same costume as me is all the way at the front/bottom, cuz it’s all decided by costumes. the stairs are all weird, like you cannot get down there, so i stay at the top. it starts out with us doing the wave, but we’re really bad at it. and then an announcement comes on, i think it said something like “the show is about to begin and all of our actors are in their places”, then im like teleported to my group, still can’t find people i know. and then it’s like a death match almost, and for some reason im the one doing it, but suddenly i have like fire powers?? my whole section with the nurse scrub costumes does. so i kill(?) a few things until im fight this woman and her 2 “pets”, a toy trex, and its was like a badger or something, both massive, like real trex size. i defend myself at first by just holding their mouthes shut with my hands, and then the badger starts gagging and throwing something up, so i move and i realize, the trex isn’t actually attacking me?? wait.. and then i realize how beat to hell the trex is, this is when the badger pikes up a giant spring, a sprint that was the trex’s. so i try telling this woman that her pets are killing eachother, when they both start attacking me. i defeat them, by like exploding in fire?? but for some reason that’s what was making my physical form, so im reduced to like my original state?? which is a peanut, but its like corgi sized and im teleported back to the middle of my section, where im congratulated, and where i gain my fire back and reform. in which im crowned mayor?? and i have a whole song that i don’t even understand.

but yea, that was my wonk ass dream

and how dare my brain?? i was completely(mostly) over this crush, and suddenly it’s back, in full swing, because all i can think about is his arms around me, and his head on my shoulder. even tho it wasn’t even real

i also had a kinda similar dream, like a week ago at this point i think. and it was just us, in the backroom, everyone trying to get around eachother and get out, and he’s pushing the cashbox, and he just yells “hey k-(name)” and i look up and go over to him, and he just tells me he loves me?? and i get super flustered, and he’s all smiling, and i just faintly let out a “oh! i, uhh, i love you too” and i smile.

that one is BURNED into my head. and now whenever i look at or think about him that’s all i can think about?? and it’s fucking evil??? if my brain could stop making sensrios about this guy who is definitely probably not interested in me that’d be awesome

11/4/24

[ghostfishk]

shidid it’s been a while.

i think i just came out of a pretty major dissociation episode. because ive been just kinda running on autopilot since mid september.

my crust on him is still pretty strong. i told T about it, because its been causing me a lot of anxiety for the past week or so. and at this point i think its so much less of a crush on him specifically and just a crush on the idea of a partner again. i just want that connection again, and he’s the only actually attractive and nice guy that i see daily that i get along with but also doesn’t remind me of my younger brother. because there’s hot/fun people at my job, but they also, all act like my brother in some ways and that’s, really weird. i just want a partner, male, female, a mix, or neither, preferably male/amab, because im scared to go into another afabxafab relationship after all of the ones i had growing up and discovering myself ended in major changes to both my identity and mental health. but like. i’m not picky. i just want a partner :(( someone to see after work. someone to cuddle and watch adventure time with after a long week. hell i wouldn’t mind them being distanced, i love to drive, and it’s not like i have much tying me to this town anyways. i just want a person again. but a good one. not one that’s known for being borderline unstable and insane (actually now that i think about it, common trait amongst all 3 ex’s).

i just want someone. someone who won’t have a mental breakdown when i hang out with my friends, and don’t give all my attention to them. someone who won’t groom me for 3 years just to hurt me in ways i could’ve never imagined. someone who won’t make my identity a joke and then act like nothing happened weeks later, and never truly apologize.

someone who knows me as who i am now. a trans queer guy, who really likes sharks, who’s only gone by K- since they’ve known him. who loves his little squishmallow clips, and his minecraft heelys, and his little ghost tattoo on his arm that matches his friends. someone who met this, and wants to know more.

that’s all i want. someone who wants me for me as who i am now. not who ive been.

10/27/24

[ghostfishk]

oh to be held and to be loved by someone in a romantic way. oh to be. truly.

10/12/24

[ghostfishk]

i want a boyfriend, or a partner. someone constant in my life again. i have freedom, i have a car i can go ANYWHERE and here i am. alone in my moms house spiraling and losing hope because i feel so incredibly lonely. i don’t know if i can do it anymore. why isn’t is easy for me like it is for everyone else. why can’t i have a person. platonically, romantically, in any way. i feel so lonely. please. anyone. someone who i can hold. someone who will look at me and genuinely want to be around me. be with me. not someone who’s adding me to their group because i’m lonely. someone who’s making me thier group. because they want me. please. if anyone’s listening. please. i spend my entire life growing up with peoplenot good for me. but now i feel like im nothing if im not with somekne. it doesn’t even have to be a full relationship. i just want someone to hold my hand. to show interest. to WANT to talk to me in those ways. even if it doesn’t turn out. even if it’s just temporary. please

please

please.

10/1/24

[ghostfishk]

i still really like him. and it’s sort of consuming me. and he’s joking around with me more, we’re actually talking like how i talk with the other people i’m friends with. still only during work but it’s really nice. he’s really nice. i think he’s really attractive but i also think he’s 100% straight, and im not gonna do anything that’ll make him uncomfortable because ive only known him for 6 months. i realistically don’t know shit about this man, but he’s really nice, and i like being around him.

i made a pickup order for pasta and alfredo sauce and he walked by me all smiley and just said “i hope you enjoy your pasta” and just, the fact that he thought about me, and recognized my name, in an ORDER is making my brain go feral. because what do you mean people actually think about me outside of when i’m right infront of them.

and then we were looking at the grid before he left and he was looking for my name?? and sounded disappointed when i was in style and not gm/fullfillment?? i cannot handle it. my brain. will not shut up. AAAAAA

i’m no longer as spiraling mentally as i was earlier this week. i took wednesday off and im feeling much better. it’s kind of that numb dissociative happiness but im doing good nonetheless.

i say this but the mere thought of the last of us season 2 coming out and what i know happened in the games makes me want to sob. this season WILL ruin me and i just get to go through it

speaking of things to watch, “i saw the tv glow” is on max and im so nervous to watch it. i want to, so bad, but i do not want it to genuinely break me. i may be doing better but man, idk if ill ever be fully ready to watch that movie

9/26/24

[ghostfishk]

went shopping with my brother. walked around target for an hour and a half because no matter how old he is he shops like a 10 year old when he’s given any money. which is whatever but i’m in there everyday and saw everyone i wanted really fast. and we weren’t even like activly shopping for an hour and a half. it was 45 minutes actually walking around the store, and then probably 45 minutes just looking at hair care and SNACKS

THIS KID SPENT 30 MINUTES JUST PICKING OUT SNACKS

i’m so tired now :(( i expected to be gone an hour tops, go to michaels and target, but nope. 2 whole hours

i fixed my glasses!!!!! not well, as it’s just hot glued back togeayher BUT they’re wearable and I CAN SEEEEz

i saw him when i was at target, FUCK he’s cute. i simply cannot stop thinking about him, or smiling all goofy around him. and thankfully the way i interact with him isn’t that different than how i interact with E or T, but it’s pretty different from how i usually interact with cis men, but the more i warm up to these people the better i am at interacting similarly.

9/22/24

[ghostfishk]

litterally the worst shift ever

i get there at 430. full of energy because i litterally spent all day sleeping. i am in orders for an hour, and at 530 my manager walkies for me. she tells me that at 6 im being taken OUT of orders and put on self checkout. technically i had the option of self checkout or check lane but self checkout is generally more chill. in my opinion/previous experience atleast. so i get up there at 6. and its going pretty good, until its time to start sending people to breaks. so i send someone on thier break, and get trained on guest service/basically the help counter. it’s pretty easy, not that different from my other job. and then the person training me leaves for the day, and we close the help desk. all good. i redirect people to the check lane where someone can help them with returns or exchanges, and i help with pickup orders as much as i can. all is well. i start closing registers. and then it hits 9pm. and another person up front leaves, because she’s a minor and can’t work past 9? or so, due to labor laws and shit. all good all well. there’s someone gathering carts, someone in a check lane and me on self checkout. and i ask my manager “hey, what’s the plan for pulling cash for these?”

and she walks me through it, i close two of the self checkouts and it’s was a busy last hour so im not able to get to the other two in time. and then at 9:58, someone walkies. “have we done any closing announcements? there’s still a pretty good amount of people in here” my fucking heart drops and suddenly, all the adrenaline i have had pushing me along for the past four hours fucking vanishes. i feel like i failed, i still feel like i failed closing self checkout even tho i did everything else right. and it’s not even like we were held up that much after, not at all really. no one was mad at ME, that i knew of, but i feel like i failed everyone.

worked with him today. i genuinly thought i was over it, but talking to him at any point today made my brain complete mush. and it’s so fuckrd up. :((

me him and B, a girl i graduated with and genuinely really enjoy working with were standing and talking while i was bagging an order, now i have an intense “fear” of being watched while i do things so i stop and talk to them. he, in like a really fake serious tone goes “K—(name) what are you doing?? keep stowing your order” i laugh, and start doing something and i look over and there talking but he’s also just staring me down. and then he says “im just gonna stare at you while you stow this” i, being me, get flustered, and babble some random ass sounds and a

“please don’t >:(“ as he laughs and walks away

and that just, solidified my stupid feelings for this probably straight man who ONLY sees me as a coworker/possible “friend”

and then he took over orders, because by the time he left for the day orders would’ve flipped over for the night, and dispite my protest to the manager of “why not put him up front, where he enjoys being more than orders or gm, and where he’s fully trained everywhere, vs me who’s only trained checkout?” but she just kinda blew it off not wanting to make it more complicated than it was (it wasn’t complicated, she just can’t make up her mind)

but every time he’d walk by i couldn’t help but glance over at him. a mix of needed to be aware of everything around me, and also it just being him.

and we’d shoot the shit but he was mostly focused on his orders, which as he should be.

he does make it more worth it to get though shifts, even if litterally nothing will happen. his existence makes me happy and the chance of being actual friends with him, does the same.

speaking of friends, learned today that i won’t be able to be with my friends on a day we all got off specifically to hangout and watch the new season of heartstopper togeather. and today E told me that actually!! only one of us can spend the night at her house not the both of us. and the left out one is going to be me, willingly, because i don’t want G to get upset about us choosing to not include him, and i’m just to fucking exhausted to give a shit at this point.

i’m so tired. it’s bed time. altho i might cry myself to sleep tonight because everything hurts and im so overwhelmed and exhausted.

9/20/24

[ghostfishk]

i think all i crave is a partner. a cute dorky neurodivergent guy who plays games and has some completely out of left field special interest. i want a boyfriend. i want to know what mlm love feels like. or atleast the closest i can get being an ace trans guy. 

that’s what i want.

9/19/24

[ghostfishk]

uh oh i’m slipping again.

i havnt updated because really i have nothing to talk about.

my friends keep hanging out without me, not even making an effort to see me or invite me. i feel so left out, and i can’t even bring it up.

i think i’m finally losing the feelings for him, but i also might just be losing feelings. i feel so numb and litterally nothing feels like it can help anymore.

i feel so numb. the past week or so has just blended togeather as one big blur. if it wasn’t for the fact that i’m off tomorrow i wouldn’t even know what day of the week it was. i feel like im reaching and grasping at every little thing trying to hang in here but i don’t know if i have the strength to pull myself up. and it feels like everyone is just watching, not reacting, not even walking away, just standing there. watching. as i slowly slip further and further away from reality.

why can’t i just be loved. why can’t someone just love me the way i love them. why does it always end. and why do i always feel like it’s in some way my fault. i can’t do it anymore. i can barely handle waking up every day.

i’m slipping. and no one is reaching out and grabbing my hand.

i’m not strong enough to pull myself back up.

i’m to tired

it’s not worth it

9/18/24