#and one of my weird symptom things have flared up recently which makes it hard to use a screen so

[jamboreeartsupplies]

smh im sorry for being gone, tbh things have been a bit stressful irl and also i still haven't been able to customise any of my furbs so i feel bad and i never leave the house so i dont have fun and cool pics to share :(

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!

In response to your recent post, I have carpal tunnel and stretching actually does not help. I do try to rest my wrists and fingers a lot, but do you have any other tactics you’ve used that have worked for you? Not looking for anything to follow as proper medical advice, just curious for new ideas to try out!

Take this with a grain of salt (not a doctor, as we all know! Just someone who writes a lot and has chronic RSIs in both wrists) but the type of rest you do is really important.

For example, wrist splinting can be really helpful, but only in specific ways.

Soft splints are best during the day, but both hard and soft wrist splints can make the pain worse if you're someone who unconsciously compresses the nerve further by bending your wrist into the splint throughout the day. If you can train yourself to stop doing this, soft wrist splints during the day - esp during rest periods - can help a lot.

Hard splints overnight can be amazing, but only if you don't contort your wrists while you sleep. This one is tough. I am a chronic wrist bender at night, and have literally woken up with my hands completely numb because of it. So hard splints are out of the question for me. It's been suggested to me to wear them for the first hour of lying down because I don't fall asleep straight away, to give my wrist a solid chunk of time of pure rest and then take it off before sleeping. 30 minutes of hard splinting where you can stop yourself from bending into the hard part is better than 30 minutes without it. Ditto a soft splint.

Carpal tunnel can be brutal, don't rule out seeing a physiotherapist or physical therapist who specialises in hand issues, or an occupational therapist who does the same. And my grandma had surgery for her carpal tunnel (twice!) and doesn't regret it. I also believe cortisone injections can be helpful, but come with the downside that they're more likely to increase pain in the long-term due to how steroids act on tissues overall. So cortisone should be used cautiously imho. (As in, it's not a long-term solution. It doesn't cure anything. And it can actually make some things worse).

I personally found hot and cold soaks pretty helpful. I have some arthritis in my hands so this is part of it. Ymmv on this one. Cold soaks reduce inflammation, hot soaks increase blood flow. Both can help with nerve impingement and joint pain. There will be guidelines online as to the best way / how long to do these.

Keeping a log of the pain specifically in your wrist / thumb, or the discomfort or numbness. Rating it on a level, and writing down everything you did in the hours leading up to bad flares. For me, learning that cross-stitch was actually the worst thing I did for my ulnar nerve entrapment was the thing that has helped most in knowing what I need to stop doing immediately when symptoms flare. I thought it was my writing, and I was wrong. My writing set up is actually pretty comfortable for my hands (see below), but once the cross-stitch caused a flare, writing perpetuated it and I'd mistakenly think the writing was the problem because I do that every day. You might be surprised which things can cause your worst flares. (Or not!)

Rest is rest. This one is hard. When it's our hands, we use them for literally everything. Often when we 'rest our wrists' it means stopping doing the things we know are direct triggers, but nothing else. But it actually means near complete rest from cooking, preparing food, petting our animal companions, holding our phone or tablet in bed or at a table, etc. This is where soft splints come in handy, they show us just how much we're using our wrists by how inconvenient they are to wear re: daily operation. As a teaching device we see quickly 'oh shit I twist my wrist badly for brushing my hair, oh shit I contort it for petting my dog behind the ears, oh shit, I've been stirring this pot at a weird angle for 10 minutes.'

Imho I don't wear splints for showering / bathroom / food. But will put it on during complete rest (which I reserve for pain + numbness flares). I will give myself about 2 days of that, and I try to treat it as seriously as a virus or flu because I don't want surgery! And obviously surgery for nerve and hand issues runs in the family.

Look into the ergonomics of the things that cause you flares. Often carpal tunnel can be exacerbated by how you hold your shoulders and elbows when you're doing the the things that cause flares. Look at whether the size of your mouse is too big for your hand (most are), look into how your wrists rest when you type on a keyboard, all of these things when adjusted for can make a big positive cumulative difference.

Getting a small Roccat Kone mouse, while expensive comparatively, stopped some of the issues in my right thumb. Because finally I had a mouse that fit my hand. (Most computer mice are designed for AMAB hands, as a result most AFAB people who use them basically long-term hurting their hands without realising - the heel of your palm should be able to rest on the mouse pad, your index and middle fingers should comfortably always be able to reach the left and right clickers without ever stretching and the thumb should rest naturally in the thumb rest if there is one. Most mice don't let the heel of the hand rest on the mouse pad without stretching for most AFAB people).

If you're using a laptop keyboard, stop as soon as you can and find a keyboard (ideally mechanical switch) that isn't high impact on your fingertips and use that. There are a lot of good, cheap bluetooth options these days. I cannot stress enough how bad laptop keyboards are for fingers and nerve issues in the hands. I type millions of words on my keyboard, I have callouses on all of my fingertips because of it. Trust me when I say you want something that will encourage your fingertips not to slam into the baseboard.

Don't get me started on if you do most of your writing on your phone. x.x The cramped positions we have to put our fingers in to both hold our phone and type is - to say the least - something younger folks get away with and older folks pay for. It's not healthy for our hands. Or wrists. Or elbows. Or shoulders. There's very few ways to make this healthy. Phones are just literally not designed to have a comfortable typing process re: cramping fingers and palms and wrists. They're designed for convenience, not carpal tunnel.

Be extremely wary of nerve flossing exercises that aren't designed for your specific issues. A lot of the Tiktok type ones are 'stretching in disguise' and can make pain worse. There's often no harm in trying them, but if the pain doesn't go away after a few days and/or gets worse, stop. I personally cultivated a curiosity atttiude. 'I'll try that for a few days and see.'

As always, professionals know more about this stuff! But make sure you're seeing hand specialists, otherwise you're likely to get more outdated information.

[thebibliosphere]

if you have the time and capacity I would greatly appreciate some chronic health advice! I'm also someone who deals with the clusterfuck of problems that is MCAS (and POTS and EDS and immune deficiency...) and I'm wondering what drew you to an organic diet to treat MCAS? its really hard for me to find reliable information on if and why it works, but I've seen several mentions within the MCAS community about it.

I've been Struggling to keep my MCAS symptoms in check, and they keep escalating (severe asthma flares, burning in my mouth while consuming things, and bleeding sores suddenly appearing in my mouth and taking forever to heal, along with all the typical MCAS symptoms just short of anaphylaxis) so at this point I'm willing to try anything that might help 😭 I do have an allergy/immunology doctor, but a lot of their focus lately has been trying to treat my immune deficiency, so I haven't gotten much info on how to handle this. any advice or info you can point me towards would be greatly appreciated.

So, I was prescribed an all organic diet by my allergist before we new I had MCAS because during a bout of testing to try and figure out what the hell was going on, I had two different skin reactions to corn. One was organic corn, and my body was completely fine. The other was regular corn and my body broke out in hives. I wasn’t told which was which, or even what they were testing, in order to prevent any possible psycho symptomatic reactions. My then allergist, who I honestly miss cause he was way more competent and 💯% less of an ass than the one I have now, looked at that, looked at all my other problems and went “well that’s weird”, and summarily prescribed me an all organic diet to see if it would help.

It did, and it was concluded that my body was reacting to the minute trace amounts of synthetic pesticide (probably glysophate) found in non-organic foods. I emphasize synthetic, because organic foods still use organic pesticides, which are also not that great for the environment or people due to lack of FDA regulation, but when your choices are death now or potential cancer in 40 years, you take what you can get. He also hypothesized that because I grew up in the UK/Europe where pesticide use in general is more heavily regulated, as are preservatives, that that was also what was making me ill.

Some five years later and we fast forward to now, and we do indeed know that pesticides and preservatives can be mast cell disorder triggers. Even more natural ways of preserving foods (like fermenting) can be a mast cell dysfunction trigger due to histamine intolerance. The more you know 🌈 ⭐️

Which is also something to consider. Not everyone with MCAS has histamine intolerance, just like how not everyone with HIT has MCAS, but the two often go hand in hand. If you haven’t tried a low histamine elimination diet, it might be worthwhile to see if it helps. I do urge caution though, as a low histamine diet is extremely dangerous long term due to lack of nutrients, and it should ideally be done under the guidance of a doctor for no more than 4 weeks. I was left on a low histamine diet for almost two years by a negligent doctor, and almost starved to death. Also with things like MCAS and HIT the goal is to gradually build your list of tolerated foods back up, not to keep eliminating them, as that is the only way to heal. You need to get your body to a good baseline for healing, then try to get as much nutrients back into your diet as possible. And before anyone jumps in to recommend feeding tubes as they’ve done in the past: feeding tubes should be an absolute last resort when all other options have been exhausted. They are also no guarantee against anaphylaxis and have other complications that can be fatal, so it is imperative to try and avoid them at all costs.

With an HIT diet and competent medical supervision, I’ve gone from being able to eat 2 things to 21 in the last year. Still not a huge amount, but it’s huge progress for me, considering my body was reacting to tap water at one point. Still does sometimes, so I recommend looking into filters that remove trace amounts of chlorine from the water, for both drinking and bathing. You can get shower filters that attach to the head for like $30 and it can help with skin reactions/eczema like symptoms. I do not recommend full house systems that filter via the pipes, as the treatments used in water are actually essential for preventing things like pipe corosion or mold build up, but filtering from the faucets/shower heads is a good idea.

Which brings me onto things like skin products and household items. With MCAS, there can be any number of things that trigger us that in turn make our bodies primed to react to everything and anything we put into it. A lot of household cleaners, especially scented things, are mast cell dysfunction triggers. Tide washing detergent, for example, absolutely murders my throat if I breathe the scent in. We had friends come to stay recently to help with our basement demolition, and the smell of their laundry detergent made my throat swell and my eyes burn. It also helped me realize that yeah, actually, switching to all free and clear products for all of our household needs has Substantially reduced my overall reactions, including to foods. I now avoid anything scented, yes including essential oils, because essential oils can be triggers for anyone, not just folks with mast cell issues. Natural doesn’t mean safe. Nor does it mean shit to MCAS where some people can eat potato chips just fine, but can’t eat healthier things like fruit or veg because our mast cells have gone wonky and mistake certain proteins for allergies, whether we have a true IgE allergy or not.

Unfortunately, this does mean we end up incredibly deficient in many vitamins and nutrients, and supplements are necessary for our survival and recovery. Re: the mouth sores and bleeding, if no one has tested your b12 levels along with a homocysteine test, get that done asap. I had mouth sores for up to six months before we found out I had severe pernicious anemia and was on the verge of death. Low folate and low iron can also cause tongue/mouth burning, and those things go hand in hand with b12 deficiency. (And most foods that are high in b12 are often off-limits to people with HIT/MCAS. EDS also means we don’t absorb them as well from the gut, so it’s a good thing to check regardless) if it's not that, try looking at things like your toothpaste/mouthwash. Try avoiding toothpaste with SLS in them; see if that helps. Sensodyne is a good brand that makes an effort to avoid SLS but double-check the ingredients. I can't use any mouthwashes, so I make a point of doing salt water rinses when I remember. Some people also use oil pulling as an alternative to conventional mouthwash.

Unfortunately, MCAS is one size fits no one disorder, so the only way to get a handle on it is to find out what works for you. It makes things very overwhelming, but I hope some of the above is helpful and proves useful to you. Best of luck, and if you've got any more questions hmu, I'll try to help where I can 💖

[thegracelessfaceless]

Hi love bug! Thank you so much in advance. Seeing your stuff in my ask box always makes me super happy.

So, I’m Elsie, she/her/hers, and bi (but I lean heavily towards men rn). I’m a Virgo sun, Scorpio rising and Aquarius moon. I’m also an introvert, but I love being around other people! I just get,,,,, tired easily.

I’m East Asian + Southeast Asian (Chinese and Vietnamese). I’m barely 5’0 tall! Long, black hair that reached my upper thighs and dark brown eyes that you can’t even see the pupil lmfao. I always have painted nails, usually red. I’m pretty athletic and I also like to think I have nice thighs—most of my workouts include building up my legs lol. I wear big gold hoop earrings. I also wear round Harry Potter glasses. My body isn’t very curvy, in fact I’m pretty flat but I am COVERED in stretch marks. I also have acne flare ups from time to time but it’s usually nothing noticeable anymore.

I’d like to think I’m a pretty chill person, likes to go with the flow and stuff like that. My friends say I’m often their therapist or their mom, which is kinda funny because that’s what I’m in uni for, to be a therapist. I’m a pretty determined and motivated person? I like to push myself pretty hard ngl but I also like to just hang out and take it slow. I also like to do stupid things like exploring abandoned buildings at 2am. I’m also big into intersectional feminism. I’ve also been told I’m really approachable and friendly, but bro I am so shy and quiet in public unless I get to know you.

I can get pretty stubborn tbh, it depends once again on what the topic is but once I’ve set my mind to it, that’s how it’s going to be. I also have low self esteem and my depression sometimes makes it hard for me to even get out of bed at times. I usually don’t know when to stop giving myself to other people, which means I get pretty exhausted and fast. I’m also prone to overthinking which stresses me out. And when I’m stressed, I can honestly get a little bitey.

I apologize to inanimate objects if I’ve bumped into them, and I also have a tendency to talk to myself? I also am a witch! I’m currently elbows deep in some deity work and ngl my energy is all over the place. I also have a weird habit of waving to security cameras I see in public because I like to think the people watching those cameras get a kick out of it lol.

I really like coffee, tea, singing with my ukulele, playing piano, drawing and art in general. I haven’t been able to draw as much as I’d like recently but I do have some animatics in my head. I also really like Victoria’s Secret perfumes, specifically strawberry pound cake—it’s what I always smell like lol. Crystals are super fun imo. I live next to a huge lake and it’s honestly one of my favorite places to be. Ocean animals are my favorite! I also really like car rides with like, one other person and just exploring the world and talking. The music I listen to is a lot of classic rap, lofi-hip hop, modern rap, some pop artists and Ella Fitzgerald, Gloria Gaynor, HaroinFather, KYLE, and ofc Hollywood Undead.

I cannot stand centipedes those things horrify me. I also don’t like rude people, bigots, people who purposely start drama or hypocrites. People who put other people down aren’t cool either. I don’t really like parties or being around lots of people, they make me anxious and kinda suffocated. People who try to force me to do stuff aren’t cool in my books either. I also think red meat is kinda gross, but that’s just because it makes me exhausted.

Eeeee I am so sorry if this is too much, but thank you so much in advance. Nothing but love to you, and all your future writing and everything you’ve done so far. 💕

Heyy! I almost hit the roof when your follow came in 😅.

So I told myself that Brian and Hoody are disqualified because of obvious bias, but, damn you make it hard!

So, Brian aside, I match you with...

The Puppeteer/Jonathan Blake

I know, I know, odd choice right?

But you came under his attention, and just when he thought you were getting ready to bend to his will, you'd rally. He found it... Refreshing that you keep fighting, no matter how low you feel.

Of course, he had to be persistent in gaining your trust. You weren't falling for his smooth talking ways. He tried not to use any information gained from his psychic gifts... but if they helped him know something you've really been wanting or something that's bothering him, that's a different story. It took him years to gain your trust and that was only after he slipped and let some of his old self, from before he became The Puppeteer, out. You seemed to prefer that side of him, so he revealed it more frequently.

Jonathan is an introvert too, and like you, being around other people can tire him out. He prefers nights in or long car rides with you with some good but soft music playing.

Jonathan finds it ironic that you want to be a therapist while his main method of feeding is by intensifying depression symptoms. In ways, you've softened him. He'll spare those who seem to have the drive to live. But he views it as a friendly competition of sorts. Like a married couple of lawyers, but one works for the prosecution and the other works for the defense. How many souls can you save verses how many he can take?

Jonathan will listen to every crystal fact you have, and want to know more about your witchiness. He's like a sponge. Throw information at him and he's soaking it up.

Let's gloss over the fact that he can control golden threads from his fingers. I'm sure it'll come up in #just chatting.

Jonathan is a caffeine addict, that and cigarettes are what fueled him when he first went to college. He loves drawing with you over a hot cup of coffee.

Eat what you want, Jonathan doesn't really care. He might take a bite of something every now and then, but he doesn't really need it. This makes it so he finds your scent... Intoxicating.

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

currently listening to: favorite crime by olivia rodrigo

tw: sexual assault, trauma

I've realized that in order to heal, I need to start from the other things I've never worked through. I don't know my triggers, and writing everything out might help me understand them.

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

Four years ago, I dated this girl who's mom taught at my school. She was also my age (we were freshly eighteen) and went there too. This was the first time I really started to understand that I was the most impulsive person on the planet. My dad had kicked us out of the house at the beginning of the summer and I'd been homeless for the better part of two months.

By the time I got to school, I finally had the ability to breathe. I'd spent so much time taking care of my mom, I had barely cried. And instead of choosing to really heal from what I was going through, I met a girl.

We shared curly fries at this little restaurant and she made eyes at me that I couldn't ignore. She was just too pretty, and I felt lucky to have her attention.

First red flag. If you feel lucky to even be talking to someone (and they encourage that feeling), they probably aren't worth your time.

I remember everything moving fast. She invited me to this dance, and insulted everyone there in a joking way (she thought she looked better than everyone) and I thought it was a bit weird but she was nice to me. So, it was okay.

Second red flag. Good people build others up and are receptive to different ideas and interests. Nice girls are impressed or get excited seeing all the gorgeous dresses and looks at a dance. They don't insult everyone there just because they think they look better.

We came back to my room, and we watched the L word and then things happened. It was nice at first. Until it wasn't anymore.

The next day, she took me to meet her parents and to her church (which was wild). We went out to lunch and thrift shopping and I was really excited because I never thought I'd have a girlfriend during pride (I was right---she broke up with me a day before.)

I got this little teddy bear that reminded me of her and took pictures of it everywhere and sent them to her.

And everything was great except for all the things that weren't. If I squinted, turned the relationship over in my hands and hung upside down, maybe I could convince myself it was perfect.

But it wasn't.

She broke up with me and told me she wasn't ready for a relationship. I understood that, even though it hurt my feelings. Until three days later she dated another girl at the end of my hall.

Until I watched that girl walk past me with hickies up and down her neck and arms. Until I heard her voice as she spoke dirty words to her. Until I heard that girl moaning in her room and knew who was making her do that because I'd seen her go in.

And then everything became clear to me. I never felt more like a joke.

I had a therapy appointment recently, and my therapist told me that OCD symptoms tend to flare up most when we are in stressful environments we can't control or when we are triggered.

Maybe that's why my intrusive thoughts got so loud I couldn't breathe. I spent a lot of time sobbing beneath my bed, heaving over trash cans, ignoring the healing that I needed to do from what I knew she did to me and from what I excused because I wanted to be cared about. My OCD got so hard to deal with I sought out therapy to deal with it and the PTSD symptoms I had from this girl. I had, and still have, the most intense levels of intrusive thoughts after I had begun to lose most of my compulsions. It fucked me up so badly that for months, I carried my a stuffed animal with me in my bag for comfort.

I spent a lot of time not in my head. All my memories of her are from above. It's like watching a movie no one would ever want to watch without a big payout and an profuse apology at the end from the entire cast.

I never reported her for what she did to me. I never told anyone except one of my close friends (who remained friends with her). So all my friends took it like me going through a heartbreak (which it was), and not like me going through something infinitely more traumatizing (which it also was). I just didn't let myself approach that I had let her into my room, that she had done that to me. I'd experienced it before, but that never ever felt like my fault or the result of my own actions.

I don't believe it was my fault anymore. But I did then. And that's what made it hard for me to even think about or begin to understand or unpack. I felt like a complete idiot. It happened, and I cried and I lied and told her it was because she was being so sweet to me when really she had triggered earlier childhood memories doing what she was doing.

I only began to accept everything when I was talking to a few friends at school last year. We were sharing our experiences and I said mine wasn't really assault. I explained what happened and the silence on the room was LOUD. I got nervous because both of my friends looked so concerned and I said, "It's not the same thing. Right? That's completely different."

It was the first time I hadn't asked myself. The first time someone looked me in the eyes (outside of my old therapist) and gently told me, "No, honey. That wasn't right." The first time I heard those words and accepted them.

I cried for an hour in the shower that night and nearly threw up. I knew I had been lying to myself all that time. But I wasnt ready to accept everything. Still, I didn't approach those memories again. I packed them up and just pretended they didn't exist when really what I needed was to heal from them.

I remember thinking back to all the looks her parents gave me. To the awkward smiles from her church family. To the hollow compliments and conversations. And I remember feeling like the world's biggest joke.

Every awkward look between her parents made sense now. How long is this girl going to last? Should we even bother learning her name?

I remember wondering how many stupid girls she'd carted through that church and to that very same restaurant and that specific thrift store. I wondered how many poor schmucks fell for her big, dark eyes and understanding face. But more than anything, I wondered if it had been just me.

If I had been the first girl to not realize I was just a piece of ass to her. If I had be the one girl who hadn't understood from the get go that none of it was real. That I was the Thanksgiving turkey being buttered and fattened up and left to marinate before the big feast, where the turkey is left in shambles and everyone else gets their fill.

It's a humiliating feeling. Especially when you were the only one who never realized it. I learned later that year when I was studying abroad in Spain that my friend had gone to high school with her. She told me that girl was known for sleeping around, and she was proud of it. She tried to fuck every girl she saw. She had told me she was waiting until marriage too. Learning this made me feel so sick.

I've always been gullible. But I never thought of myself as downright stupid. Unfortunately, I still fall for these tricks. Every time.

I never accepted any of this. Never worked through the memories. Never thought about her again. I just packed her away in my brain and pretended it never happened. As if she never existed. And I think that's why I never own up to why I keep experiencing this specific trauma.

Because I never went over the steps it took for me to get there, never forgave myself for being so trusting, never reminded myself of what I deserved.

I never heeded the red flags, and I still don't. on the long list of things I need to work on, listening to and trusting my gut is one of them. If all she talks about is sex, that's probably all she wants from you (so proceed with caution---she could either just be really forward, or just planning to use you). Your goals are not the same, and they more than likely won't change. If all she does is tear things down, even in a joking way, she won't mind doing the same thing to you and your interests or worse, your body.

If all she does is say she respects and cares about you, but then convinces you to do things little by little until you do it, she doesn't respect or care about you. If you wonder if she's said that specific line to all the girls she's spoken to, she probably has. If you wonder if she means it when she calls you special (despite doing all the other things), she probably doesn't.

Anyway, I can't sleep alone in my dorm room because of her. I can't stare at an empty bed across from me in the dark without wanting to throw up and burst into tears. To this day, the thought of no longer having a roommate at school makes me cry.

For months after everything happened with her, I really just hid beneath my bed doing homework and didn't talk to anyone. I had perfect grades that semester because instead of thinking about her, I just did my work and focused on what I could control to an obsessive level. I barely ate or slept or anything. I just worked on schoolwork and did theater and went to therapy. But I didn't ever think about her or what she did.

It took me years to stop being angry with myself. For letting her into my room. For trusting her so fast. For believing her.

I felt really stupid. Of course I should have known. Every sign was there. But I trusted her. And she took that trust and used it like a gun.

I learned several lessons from her. Not all of them stuck.

I will say this though: I didn't let her go unscathed. I took two huge posters and wrote out in thick black marker what she did and I put her full name.

I taped them to the front doors of her dorm hall. Not sure if anyone saw, but it helped to write everything out. To out her.

A few girls helped me do it. I didn't tell them everything. But I told them enough, and they said fuck her and helped me into her dorm hall, helped me put up the posters and gave me hugs and encouragement.

I rubbed her expensive white sweater in the Georgia clay (notoriously hard stains to get out. Once its in your clothes, it's generally ruined.) and hung it up alongside the signs.

Never heard from her again.

[insanelycooljk]

You mentioned ⚡⚡⚡was the worst for angst so now I Have To Ask

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it  

Ok I definitely only mentioned that because I was hoping someone might ask about it lmao. I’d argue that this is more like... hurt than angst, but it’s gonna be hurt/comfort, so hopefully the sweet moments make up for it. You can expect a lot of soft kleinsen lol.

This one it was like 3am and there was a huge storm outside. I was sitting by my window watching the lightning, I’d just finished reading Trying Through the Trauma and a particular scene was on my mind (if you’ve read it you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t I highly reccomend it because that fic is wonderful, the world-building is INSANE).

So given all of that, plus my apparent desire to just hurt all the characters I love, my brain was like “hey... what if Jared got struck by lightning?”

Which I KNOW sounds absolutely ridiculous and like some kind of crack fic, but just bare with me here ok.

For maximum angst, the fic begins with Jared storming out of Evan’s house after a fight.

I haven’t worked out all of the details of the fight yet, but basically there was an attempt at an apology/discussion of Evan’s letter that didn’t go so well and things got a bit heated.

Jared’s hurt and angry, so he runs away because that’s what he does.

It’s absolutely pissing down, it’s at least a 15/20 minute walk back to his house, but Jared’s a stubborn bastard and he just needs to get out of there.

Evan’s stuck in his head trying to process how the hell that went so badly, because he’s hurt and angry too, but then a particulary loud clap of thunder snaps him out of his thoughts. He’s not sure why the hell Jared walked here instead of drove (it was because he wanted the extra time to try and plan what he was going to say to Evan), but Heidi will kill him if she finds out he just let Jared walk all the way home in this weather.

So he runs outside after Jared to tell him to stop being an idiot and at least just wait until it stops raining so much

And of course Evan catches up with Jared just in time to see him get struck

Evan is just frozen in absolute horror because what the fuck. What the fuck. Who the hell gets struck by lightning!? That just doesn’t happen in real life. What the fuck.

His brain finally catches up to him and he rushes over to Jared who’s just convulsing on the ground.

Evan’s hands are shaking but he manages to call 911. Once the ambulance is on their way he’s just staring helplessly at Jared still seizing on the ground, and all he can think is Jared is going to die and the last thing they did was fight.

Another minute or so passes and Jared’s seizure suddenly ends. Evan’s just holding his breath because he has no idea what he should do. Being a nurse and all, Heidi’s taught him how to do basic CPR incase of emergencies, but Evan’s in such a state of panic that he can’t do anything

And then Jared opens his eyes. It takes a second for the pain to catch up to him, the ringing in his ears is loud and oh fuck everything hurts his whole body is on fire

Evan is freaking the fuck out now that Jared is awake and crying, and he’s desperately trying to comfort him and is begging the ambulance to hurry the fuck up. And god this is so much worse now that Jared’s conscious, because Jared just doesn’t break down. The last time Evan probably saw him cry was when he stacked it on his bike when they were kids (unless you count the unshed tears shining in his eyes during their gfy fight and most recent fight, which Evan is pointedly NOT counting lmao, he can’t deal with that right now)

Anyway, the paramedics finally arrive and give Jared some serious painkillers and take him to the hospital because honestly they’re not really sure what to do either. It’s not like there’s a special “lightning strike survivor” class in the paramedicine curriculum lol. Jared didn’t go into cardiac arrest or anything so that’s a good sign, but he’s obviously in pain and he’s got some really nasty burns that need looking at so he’s clearly not fine.

And of course, for more maximum angst, they take him to the hospital Heidi works at. Because of course they do. Heidi’s had a fairly quiet night at work, or at least as as quiet as it can be working at a hospital. But then she overhears something about a kid who got struck by lightning!? And Heidi is like damn… well that doesn’t happen every day. She’s currently on her break but she’s understandably pretty curious, so she decides she’ll just go see what’s going on.

Which of course leads to her finding an extremely distraught looking Evan who is absolutely drenched, and any other thoughts are gone from her mind instantly.

Evan all but collapses into her arms. She’s holding him tightly as he just sobs and sobs and he’s shivering and so cold and why is he so wet? And obviously Heidi just wants to be there for him but the she’s starting to panic and she needs to know what’s wrong. She pulls away, still holding his shoulders tightly, to look him in the face.

“Evan, honey talk to me. What happened?” And he just manages to choke out “It’s Jared, it’s…. he,” but he can’t get the words out because he keeps being interrupted by his own sobs. And now Heidi is really worried because what happened with Jared? Is he ok? “He…” Evan can’t continue because he just lets out this choked cry and breaks into even harder sobs. Which causes Heidi to promptly pull him close again.

Evan is just, exhausted. Like, he was so tense and upset after the fight with Jared, and then THAT happened, and he’s been doing his best to not completely fall apart so he could explain what happened to the paramedics, but it’s just all so much, and all he wants his mum to hold him and tell him everything’s going to be ok.

“He’s hurt,” Evan says finally once his breathing is bit more under control and he can finally speak again. “He…. there was lightning and, and-”

And Heidi’s heart just stops because she suddenly remembers the boy that supposedly got struck by lightning and she does not like where this is going.

Jared’s mostly ok physically. He’s got some really nasty burns and he’s in a lot of pain, plus the strike was super loud so he’s got some bad tinnitus, but nothing that really needs monitoring. So he’s only in the hospital for a couple of days.

However, the thing with lightning strikes is it can do a lot of weird neurological damage that scientists and doctors don’t really understand yet. So a lot of survivors suffer from things like personality changes, mood swings, memory loss and chronic pain.

So in terms of symptoms for Jared he struggles with chronic pain. It’s not like a low-level constant pain, it’s more episodes where he’s in extreme pain for a short period of time and then it fades away again. He got struck on his shoulder, so the pain flares up on his shoulder and down his arm on that side of his body.

His burns take a while to heal, and whilst his tinnitus gets much better it’s always there to an extent. He’s also got some issues with fatigue, it’s not terrible but he definitely gets tired more easily than he used to.

Jared doesn’t really have any issues with like, personality changes or anything, but the whole experience was pretty tramautic, so his mental health definitely isn’t great right now.

Obviously, Jared’s pretty fucking terrified of thunderstorms now. He pretty much just refuses to leave his house if there’s a storm.

One time he’s driving himself and Evan home from school and it starts raining and he just – refuses to leave the car. There’s not even thunder but the sky is dark and it’s raining pretty heavily and Evan’s all like “It’s ok, come on. It’s two metres. Just take my hand and we’ll run inside together ok?” And poor Jared is having a panic attack, just gasping for air, and he’s shaking his head and saying “I can’t.”

And Evan kinda tries a couple more suggestions to coax him inside, because like they literally just have to walk from the driveway to Evan’s front door. There is a 0% chance that anything would happen in the 5 seconds it would take to get inside, and there isn’t even any thunder, it’s just raining heavily.

Eventually he gives up and they just sit in the car together waiting for the storm to pass. Evan can’t help but think how ironic it is that he’s the one who has to help Jared through his own panic attacks now.

But the main complications Jared struggles with are the cognititve issues. Jared’s always been pretty smart and has done well in school, so he finds it really hard to deal with.

He REALLY struggles with his memory at first. Mainly short-term memory. He’ll do things like make lunch multiple times because he forgot he ate already. He struggles with reading and writing and keeps tripping over his sentences. It all improves a lot over time, but it never quite gets 100% better.

But yeah, that’s kind of the hardest part for Jared because it’s just frustrating and confusing. It causes him a lot of distress because it makes him feel so stupid.

One time when he’s really struggling with it, maybe whilst trying to do work for school, Jared just breaks down about it because he just feels so frustrated. He ends up crying into Evan’s shoulder and going “I just want to be better”

Evan says nothing, because he’s been doing an obsessive amount of research and the truth is Jared might not ever be “better” again, and he doesn’t want to lie to Jared. Well, he certainly wants to, we all know about Evan’s lying issues lmao. He desperately wants to tell Jared comforting lies like “it’s ok” and “there’s nothing wrong with you” and “of course you’ll get better” but he holds his tongue because he knows he can’t lie to Jared, not about this.

ANYWAY ahahaha, I got a little carried away with this one but I’ve got a LOT of feelings about it. It will end up with kleinsen because I couldn’t resist, so on that note I do have just one last point I HAVE to share 🥺

So a lot of people who get struck by lightning end up with these really kind of beautiful looking scars called Lichtenberg figures. They normally only last a day or two (although I did read about one guy where they lasted like a month) but uhh.... I will be taking some artisitic liberities there lmao because imaging Evan gently tracing over Jared’s scars when they finally get together? Good shit.

[benbantz]

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities   and cross overs , but ultimately different  Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks.           Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-) 

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or  his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little. 

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw,  take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

 *Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

 Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things,  (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day.  - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense)  I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either.  - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear)  - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

 Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting  phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me!  Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised  'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew)  - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks.  I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol.  I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou)  Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.  

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects  from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly. 

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different,   (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.)  it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion  - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human)       I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first  'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)  

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day  - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week)  So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) -  fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine.  People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary! 

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..'  ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead  'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole.   Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.   

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?'  it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from.  This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate. 

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-) 

Stay safe everyone x

[synaps]

I did not see this 5 years ago, though apparently I did

Hi there! So, in the light of the recent Ao no Exorcist chapters and Katou having a solid grasp on her timeline after all, my brain shocked itself enough to produce some serotonin and I decided I’m gonna diverge from my own principles and post this. Brain producing serotonin should be encouraged. Buckle up, everyone bothering to read: this timeline breakdown/fan theory emerged in 2012, when a bored AnE-fan pieced together a few of the plot reveals we’re starting to see now.

Spoiler warning for The End of the Beginning! Though strictly speaking they’re a timeline framework I developed in order to write TEotB, which means they’re gonna drop very soon via the flashback! So it probably isn’t as mind-blowing as it was to me... BUT I DON’T CARE I’ve been waiting 6 years for the content we’re getting right now, 6 years I’ve been on the edge of my seat for this misfit clone dork to finally tell his story and AAAAAH

This is basically a full-body search of the Kyoto arc chapters, 'cause that was the only bit of the past we had back when I started writing. To this day that’s the part of the manga I have the best grasp on. x’D But all those hours paid off, good gods they paid off! This is long. Bear with me, ‘kay? Old-time AnE-fans remember that it was commonly thought the twins were born on Blue Night, much due to the anime: Kyoto Arc said it wasn’t. If you looked carefully, you could figure out that Blue Night was in fact the time of the twins’ conception, not their birth. Though to be absolutely sure, I plotted out the timeline three times and dug up records from a weather station in Kyoto to see if there would have been snow at that time of year in the early to mid 90′s because that’s how goddamn obsessed I am. And if you did figure out that the twins were conceived on Blue Night, you were inevitably sucked into an even more obsessive downward spiral into crazy fan madness because that meant Fujimoto Shiro was sent to steal Kurikara to “kill some kids” before those kids existed even on an embryonic stage.

My original estimate was that the stage had taken 24 years to set up, based on the info in Kyoto Arc, but with Mephisto’s recent director’s cut of how he ghost wrote history that number bumps up to 36 years or potentially even longer.

For reference, the timeline I put together for TEotB plus the fresh dates from the flashback arc: 1977: Mephisto pressures Shiro into promising him a free wish because extorting a kid that’s struggling for his life is an ok move 1984: Satan fails possession for the first time because whoa so many limbs at once 1989: the Myou Dha is struck by disease 1993: Satan figures out how to properly possess someone, that’s Rin’s unrelenting never-give-up attitude right there 1994: after a nine year learning curve on just staying in a body Satan has three PhD’s and ditches school after one year of education - guess possessing a body really is a difficult thing to pull off huh 1995: Shiro unwillingly becoming the caretaker of orphans: part I 1996: not yet confirmed but Saburota’s first meeting with Lucifer/Asylum is probably now Also 1996: Satan returns to Section 13 with a reclamation claim on that crap body they sold him 1996-1997 (somewhere around New Year’s, I estimate): Shiro, who was an Upper First Class exorcist at the time, cures Myou Dha and oh is that a sword in your pocket or are you just happy to return to your boss after a successful mission? 1997 (probably mid-to-late March): Blue Night sucked for everyone, but at least Shiro and Tatsuma got promotions - yay 1997: Shiro unwillingly becoming the caretaker of orphans: part II 2003: when you’re a cursed, massacred and financially broke sect like Myou Dha, there’s few options but to join the Order of the True Cross to stay afloat 2005: Saburota recruits Mamushi to spy by raising suspicions against Mephisto ‘cause really, that ain’t hard 2013: a giant pile of shit appears in Kyoto and unleashes destruction on its surroundings and for once it isn’t Mephisto

The manga and the timeline are pretty self-explanatory so what I wanna stress here is what happened 24 years ago, in 1989, ‘cause that’s something Katou hasn’t touched upon yet and it’s really fun except for those involved. In 1989, a disease starts plaguing Myou Dha and the symptoms are identical to what you get from exposure to the miasma from the Impure King’s Eyes. It seems to be a very local problem, as we don’t hear of any epidemic in the rest of Kyoto. Did the seal on the Right Eye spring a leak? Nope. Because the Eye wasn’t there.

We haven’t seen the shrivelled up bit of IK cause any trouble - not saying it couldn’t, but it seemed like that one hadn’t been active much for the past 150 years and it had been constantly monitored by the High Priest. I cross-referenced with the dates given in the new flashbacks but the outbreak doesn’t coincide with any boost of demonic activity related to Satan’s progress. So? The disease in Kyoto is its own separate disaster, and it’s most likely engineered. Let’s work our way back from the present to see how Mephisto set up this stage~ Mephisto knew of Saburota’s plan to unleash IK, and was all cool with that ‘cause hey, good opportunity to test Rin’s flame, build some team spirit, power up Bon, etc. For that reason he decided to move the Right Eye from his own keep to Myou Dha’s: if Saburota had been able to steal both of them from True Cross he wouldn’t have needed the pit stop at the Kyoto Office. He would have revived IK straight away, and even Mephisto couldn’t have motivated sending a bunch of kids into that chaos. So, move the Eye to a secret strategic location in Kyoto and force Saburota into jumping through a couple of extra hoops to get it. The Eye was moved in 2003 or thereabouts: this coincides with Myou Dha joining the Order, and makes perfect sense. The relic has ties to their sect, and it’s kinda fair to give them something back since Meph indefinitely borrowed their main relic, and now that they’re part of the Order and all - yada yada, smoke screens. Mephisto gave them the relic to set Saburota up, but not until he had the means to also give Saburota a trail to follow. Our fav Uncle Goat approached Mamushi, his student, in 2005 and recruited her to get the Right Eye. He probably thought he was cleverly working around Mephisto’s attempt to prevent theft, but if we think about it: who gave Saburota the opportunity to manipulate her in the first place? It is much easier to get your hands on an impressionable young Myou Dha kid if the Myou Dha kids attend the school where Saburota teaches. But why would they? When their families are very competent exorcists on their own and they’re used to keeping to themselves and...

Keeping to yourself is only an option so long as you can survive by yourself, and from 1989 on Myou Dha couldn’t. But Granpa Suguro, being as stubborn as he is, has refused any modern/outside help for 7 bloody years. This disease is weird for several reasons. Its localised spread, for one; its similarity with the Eye mashou when there is no Eye present; the way it vanishes and is never heard of again after Shiro’s visit; the suspiciously good timing. We now know Mephisto is aware of the future to a certain extent - we saw that confirmed when he set Shiro up with that promise. That was the last doubt removed from my theory about the Kyoto disease, so here we are. Satan hadn’t even manifested with a consciousness yet but Mephisto had his sights on Kurikara and Myou Dha’s cooperation in 1989. He is a man of sophistication, so he takes the “if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must come to the mountain“ approach: he used the Eyes to orchestrate an outbreak that would force the sect to reach out to True Cross - the biggest, most knowledgeable exorcist organisation around - for aid. Because the alternative would be to smash in there and outright steal the sword and nobody would send their kids to your organisation after that. But it didn‘t work. Granpa Suguro refused to follow script and so the years went by, Satan gained consciousness, grew intelligent, grew bored, oops there goes the Asylum ceiling, jfc Suguro how many more have to die before you just play along like a good boy...? In the end Mephisto had to deploy Plan B: screw it, theft it is. If Muhammad won’t go to the goddamn mountain I’m gonna drop the mountain right on Muhammad’s stubborn head.

Of course this means fucking things up for Shiro, ‘cause that’s just how these things go when you’re running a tight deadline getting the Antichrist(s) a birthday present. Also it’s fun.

This frame says everything, really. xD Come now, how would you expect these people to trust you, and develop a friendly attitude to the Order, if you barge in there on your black-ops mission like a humanoid battleship, grab their relic and ditch the scene? Bad PR, very bad PR. Buuut if you’re injured enough that you can’t make that immediate escape, and you just happen to know how to cure this very specific disease that never flares up again, which you can contract from only 2 items in the world, of which both are owned by the snake-tongued sass ball you are enslaved by work for...? What a fortunate coincidence, what a golden opportunity to create some debt gratitude and-

Nevermind... 

I headcanon that if Granpa Suguro hadn’t died on Blue Night, Mephisto would have set him on fire personally for being such a roadblock to his plans. After Blue Night Myou Dha was decimated, bankrupt, thought by the population to be cursed - what is a poor sect to do? Who could possibly help? Oh wait wasn‘t there some guy a while back, y’know, that exorcist dude who came crashing in and saved the lives of our families and friends? He seemed to know what he was doing, think we could ask him? So the take-away from this is If not for that disease, if not for Mephisto’s misinformation and Shiro’s break-in, Myou Dha would never have joined True Cross. The Right Eye would never have been kept in Kyoto, there had been no Myou Dha kids at the Academy for Saburota to recruit, and the cram school kids would never have been in Kyoto to fight the Impure King. And also that Mephisto is a fabulous bastard and a pure joy to write! ☆

[bluemoonpunch]

⭐ The Cosmic Alignment of Jung Hoseok - Oracle Reading

[The Cosmic Alignment of Jung Hoseok, born February 18, 1994 — Aquarius. The Cosmic Alignment reading is designed to showcase an individual’s personal energetic alignment with cosmic influences. It can be considered an Astrological Alignment reading as well. For this reading specifically, I use the Black Moon Astrology deck. This spread is an original design by me. This reading is being featured as part of the December BTS Overload year-end even.]

This reading was performed November 24, 2018.

Pre-Reading:

Note: So, I’ve been doing the solo readings for December over the last few days and I’ve noticed massive changes in their energy collectively. From what I can tell at this point the integration that I talked about in the original 2018/2019 Outlook reading has happened and that shift in the timeline was the result of it. The integration of the Higher Self is raising their vibration significantly and is speeding things up with what they are meant to be doing. This showed up in both Hoseok and Yoongi’s alignment readings so far.

As always with Hoseok’s energy, I had to “go around the back” to meet his energy. Just like with the previous readings I was feeling pressure in different areas of the body, and specifically for him, it was the chest. That made me think of Jimin since he’s ruling over the Heart Chakra of the Soul Body, so I used Jimin’s energy to get to Hoseok. That actually made it much easier to really settle in with him and feel into his energy.

Of course, he’s had a lot of issues since the Soul Body manipulation and healing process, but from what I could see, everything is just as it should be at this point. Jimin and Yoongi both have disconnected the majority of their energy lines from his energy center, but are both still anchoring him in a way. 

Jimin is stabilizing and Yoongi is protecting Hoseok’s energy. For this specifically, I was feeling water swirling around the top of my head, literally like a Water helmet. Not only is this energetic protection, but it’s also stimulating the Crown Chakra for him as well, which again is what made me think that the integration is working its way from top to bottom, one person triggering the other to shift in vibration.

-full reading with photos under the cut-

With that stimulus, I was also feeling these pulses and I was seeing it as well. It was like red/orange lights that had a slow pulse to them. With this, there were heart palpitations and very hard thumping in the chest. Like the energy, his higher vibration is very noticeable to him in his body. He has extreme awareness of the body. 

This makes sense to me considering that he is physically sensitive to cosmic shifts, so the fact that he can sense his own energetic shift within his own body lines up. 

In addition to that, it’s very, very uncomfortable, and I saw that in Yoongi as well. The higher vibration makes it extremely uncomfortable to be in a physical body, it’s like your light body, your soul, whatever you want to call it, is getting more and more cramped inside as it vibrates faster and starts to expand.

His energy is expanding so much that it is radiating, not projecting, outside of his body, which is what I saw with Jin as well. It seems to be coming from all over so it’s not as controlled as Jin. 

Reading that radiating energy was really interesting because it’s like it’s been completely reset, there’s absolutely no “scars” or any kind of evidence there anymore from his energy center being torn up with the Soul Body manipulation. It’s completely clear, very deep shades of orange, red, and yellow, So, it’s expansive energy, but again, it’s very uncomfortable inside the body.

Then I felt this very weird wave of energy that I’m still not too sure what it was or where it came from. I’d have to assume this is where and how the energy is radiating out of the body. It literally felt like parts of my skin all over were popping. They were tiny and sharp pains and they were just kind of happening all over at random times. My mind went to solar flares and how there’s just nonsense flying off the sun and all that sometimes, and that may be it as well. It’s just going quite quickly and his body isn’t adapting as fast as it needs too, so there are just these pockets in the physical vessel where that energy literally gets spit out and radiates around him. Very interesting.

I was also getting ringing in the ears, but not like the typical high pitched whining, it was like he’s literally hearing the frequency shifts of the planet, or he’s hearing the energy waves. People that are sensitive to energy shifts like that, which he is, will usually be able to hear those frequencies. It will be like ringing in the ears, but different tones, not just one continuous high pitched ringing. This can lead to headaches as well which was something I noticed with him before. 

Actually, a lot of what he seems to have going on now is a lot like the ascension symptoms I was dealing with a couple of months back, and what I noticed Yoongi dealing with way before that. It’s just hitting Hoseok a lot harder now because more of those shifts need to happen in a shorter amount of time.

This was the first reading I did this time around with the solo readings where I was able to get in touch with one of their Guides. I haven’t been able to for a while and I assume that was because I was still hanging out on a lower timeline until recently. 

I wasn’t really trying to speak to them or anything, I was just kind of working my way deeper because I was curious to see if his energy center was actually completely healed up, and I pretty much got pushed back and heard “new energy, new mind,” and was shown hands being held up over the Soul Body. Pretty much saying I can’t go inside the Soul Body to look, it’s being protected, it’s been sealed up through the Soul Body Healing, it can’t be touched anymore by any being of a frequency lower than what is being maintained within the body.

So, it was just a quick answer to my question that pretty much states, as any timeline shift would have it, the old shit doesn’t matter. None of what happened with the Soul Body in terms of manipulation or attack will have any effect on them anymore and everything is secure. Which confirms what I got before when I channeled all that stuff about the Soul Group and the Soul Body a few weeks ago.

It was stuff about how all the people that were predicting bad things happening to the guys and seeing them getting sick and all that was literally happening because they were picking up on past events and energy, then interpreting them as future events. 

This occurs because pretty much that old timeline or the lower timelines (and yes, people can be on different collective timelines and still experience the same collective reality) are folding over onto themselves. That’s why a lot of people seem to be running into old problems. A lot of old emotions, anxieties, and fears are coming up for people now. They’re on a lower timeline and it’s folding over.

BTS experienced a timeline shift before as well and it was one that occurred during or right before they started to release HYYH, and just like before none of what happened before that time will affect them going further in terms of “karmic” energy or any energetic ties. That doesn’t mean there is no time before that, it doesn’t mean they forgot about it, it just means there are no energetic ties holding them to the past, especially in terms of what could make it difficult for them to progress and ascend.

While I had that Guide “on the line”, it was one I hadn’t spoken to before, I asked how planetary shifts affect him now because before it was a lot more heavy on him, it really affected his mental state. What I was shown was bricks being laid and then I was shown that Water helmet thing that I was feeling before. Pretty much it summed up to the planetary energies not really affecting him mentally anymore, because of his nice little water helmet keeping his mind clear, but it is still affecting him physically.

I then got another bit of audible something that came in and I tried to write it down, but it was going too fast. I kind of summarized it to, “expansion of the light body removed blocks and allowed for him to be more physically receptive to the energies being emitted to him. Hard resistance to these energies and mental rigidity made the emissions more forceful and therefore more taxing on the body and mental state. He is more fluid now, more receptive.”

So, basically, Hoseok has a lot going on, but it’s all good.

Pretty much exactly what I was being told is what came out here in this set where I focused on his core energy and how it is towards the energy of cosmic influences

It’s all building him up now as he’s being expanded and moving forwards quite quickly with his own soul progression. There’s a lot of very vibrant energy there with all that yellow, which I associate with the Sun, as well as mental clarity and projection. In a similar fashion to Jin, it’s like he’s becoming an embodiment of the Sun.

To explain that a bit more, blue and yellow are significant colors when I see them in readings whether they come in a channeled image or they show up a lot in the layout of cards. When blue comes around I think of a clear blue sky and expansion of the mind through a wide and unprejudiced perspective. It’s a lot of learning, a lot of understanding, and clarity. And with a clear blue sky comes the Sun. The Sun is that projection of knowledge. Once you understand something through the broad perspective and clarity of the blue sky, you are able to use the Sun to shine a light on it for other people, to project that knowledge and awareness to other people.

This goes into that thing about the higher vibration literally causing a domino effect of ascension. It happens to everyone, not just them. It’s why the energy waves are setting people off and forcing emotional and energetic purging to occur, it’s so that people can start cutting those ties of old timelines, raise their vibration, and get to the higher timelines together. At this point, it’s pretty much up to what you decided you wanted to do before this incarnation, but everything is in full swish so… it’s just kind of happening now.

Back to the cards.

Strength brought the image of the Lion that is on both the 4 of Swords and the King of Wands in the Linestrider deck to mind. They’re all Leo energy aside from the 4 of Swords, which just correlates through the lion, but those cards are what I associated Hoseok with. He’s always been presented in readings as the King of Wands. 

A while back in Yoongi and Hoseok’s first relationship reading that I did before the Soul Body healing the King of Wands was presented as Hoseok’s energy being overloaded with Fire, which is what was happening to his energy center. It was a show of him being in a weakened state, but here it’s very much presented as being something that is strengthing him. Not the Fire energy, just the cosmic energy in general — it’s being used to represent external energy in general.

Strength, the cosmic energy, is dropping down into the 4 of Swords, so it’s like the cosmic energy that used to really break him down is now being used to help him feel physically rested while his inner workings, his energy, his light body raises its vibration. Those little pops on the skin may be coming from this as they’re allowing the body to release the excess energy in a way that doesn’t let it run off but allows it to accumulate outside. It’s almost like the physical body is being made more porous like it’s not going to hold the energy in and let him pop while it expands rapidly. It makes sense if you try to visualize it.

Then, while the cosmic energy is helping him to feel physically rested, and maybe mentally rested, you can see that energy expanding over into The Fool which is representing that light body, that integration of the Higher Self, fully emitting the Sun. It’s completely refreshed and brand new. 

The 8 of Pentacles is also extending from the cosmic energy in Strength which shows that while this is occurring, things are also being built up towards the Chariot, to the very focused and streamlined progression of the soul towards soul purpose. I’ve forgotten already, but I think I got that for Jin as well.

It all falls down into The Empress and the 2 of Cups where the energy is fertile and growing. Just more of that expansion talk. The 2 of Cups is showing balancing in the emotional frame, which is that Water helmet thing that came from Yoongi, and the Empress is showing a very grounded and logical connection to spirituality.

The Empress was actually great to see as she is someone who is meant to be intuned with cosmic bodies, especially the Earth. This shows open receptibility and movement with cosmic shifts rather than the resistance he had before which made things much more difficult on both ends.

The Reading:

Most Prominent Cosmic Energy: Yod — Destiny

I mean, can we just…

See, it’s really going to be difficult for me to explain this because it has to do with a lot of stuff that I haven’t talked about on the blog and I don’t want every reading I do for December to be like… a lesson in ascension or something, but like… this is literally the shift. 

It’s the ascension, it’s the same thing I had for Jin where everything is literally driving him towards soul purpose and right now all seven of them have, at this point, jumped timelines, are integrating their Higher Selves, are expanding their light bodies, and are on their shit.

Because they all have different jobs, and they all have different modes in the Soul Body and in the group, it’s like they all, just the same, have separate sources of drive towards that ascension process. Because Hoseok is so receptive to the cosmic energies, that is what is pushing him and if I’m not mistaken, he may be anchoring cosmic energies for the group as well. Again, all very difficult to explain, but it’s a thing that a lot of people, and I mean A LOT of people, are here to do for the ascension. Just anchoring in energy that helps raise the vibration of the collective.

But yeah, pretty much, the most prominent thing that is being directed towards Hoseok is the integration, the ascension, and the group’s collective purpose as a source of higher vibration for people that follow them and the general collective.

This is honestly freaking me out a little bit, but I’m so fucking excited for this shit to get rolling for the mass collective. It will be a fucking shitshow, I’m sure, but it’s going to be so out of this fucking world and beyond understanding, I love it.

Current State of Conscious Alignment: Leo — I Will

And there’s that Leo energy.

Quite literally the “I will” aspect is directly related to this newfound receptibility to this energy. That expanded consciousness has him more open on an unconscious, subconscious, and maybe even conscious level at this point where he’s literally just flowing with it. He’s very in line with what he’s meant to be doing.

Based on the opposition that Jimin and Yoongi both seemed to have in between prior lifetimes towards continuing to incarnate, this makes me wonder if Hoseok was ever against coming back in as a separate soul in order to aid in the ascension process. If that’s the case it would explain the resistance to it in this lifetime. 

I think, just based on how Yoongi was coming off, they are unconsciously, on a soul level, becoming aware that their job is almost done and over with so they’re just like, yeah okay, we got this, let’s get it moving.

I’m getting confused now because I can’t remember what information came through in what reading, but I think it was in Jin’s reading where I talked about him because aware of this on a conscious level to an extent. Like, he’s very aware that there is something happening, something is shifting, things are changing, and he has enough inner connection to know that he needs to go with it, but it’s not like blaring clear to him. 

That’s what’s happening here with Hoseok as well, and I imagine before they start talking about it on a conscious level, all of them are going to have to be at this stage where they know, but they don’t know what they know.

Hoseok is definitely in line with what’s happening with his cosmic influences though, which is fantastic for him. Hoseok, Kook, and Taehyung always had me a bit more worried in terms of how difficult it was going to be for them to start that internal shift, but I think if Hoseok can do it, they can all get through it pretty smoothly.

How The Alignment Manifests: Lunar Eclipse — Change

I mean, it’s a bit obvious, innit.

Just in terms of internal transformation, it’s obvious, but it goes a bit all over the place. I was getting images for this one where the focus was more on the fact that the Earth moves in front of the Moon, it casts a shadow to where the Moon itself becomes invisible while the Sun and Earth have this sort of very clear and conscious connection without any distortion or distraction from the Moon, or the emotional side, the polluted spirit, the subconscious. 

Basically, it looked like they were trying to explain to me that this is clearing out all of that mental stuff that he was dealing with or at least toning it down so that there are no energetic ties to those lower frequencies. It’s like the balance between Earth energy and Fire energy stabilizing the Water energy, all within his Air energy core.

Basically, with this and the image of the lunar eclipse, you have planetary bodies aligning and it’s sort of meant to be this “stars aligning” kind of thing where everything balances just right and everything suddenly just works. It’s like getting a key to a lock you’ve been filing away at for years.

The receptiveness here, the quieting down of the Moon/Water energy allows for the conscious mind to be presented with his inner knowing an inner connection without any blocks or resistance. Before, one of the biggest reasons he struggled so hard, and probably still does, with his anxiety and mood swings was that he would try to hide it and shove it down, which really cemented this unconscious need to put up these walls and blocks to feeling anything internally that could throw him off consciously. 

Because the mental shifts are being toned down, those walls can come down, those defenses can be dropped and he will then be able to connect to himself on a conscious level. I hope that makes sense.

There’s just a lot of stuff happening mentally in terms of broadening the perspective. He’s pretty much getting the blue sky and the sun all at once, which as I mentioned can be pretty hard to deal with when it’s happening so fast. But he’s getting some cushion on all ends from the cosmic energies he’s working with.

How To Maintain Alignment: The Sun — Spirit

Again, this shit is just happening now. The whole ascension process for the collective pretty much got over the peak and it’s just all tipping over onto the other side and it’s just a matter of getting to the end and getting everything integrated entirely. This here, it goes with the Leo energy as well as the whole projection thing which I had for Jin as well.

The only thing he has to do, and the only thing he can do is integrate the Higher Self. You can see The Sun as being Leo’s Higher Self as it rules over the Sign. So this is saying that as he consciously becomes more aware of the shift occurring, all he needs to do is let it happen and not let any of those old blocks come springing back up. But I have no doubt in my mind that that is not going to happen whatsoever.

What Will Come From This:

Mercury Retrograde — Reinvention

Tenth House — The World

I got so wigged out by this because I had gotten this exact combination for a reading I did for myself a while back specifically regarding my Higher Self integration and my progression with the ascension and now I’m just like… wow okay sure.

IT’S THE FUCKING SHIFT. 

If I had used another deck it would have been Death, Regeneration, or Rebirth I’m pretty sure. In terms of their collective soul purpose between the seven of them, this is relatively what they are moving towards. It’s the “cracking the egg” thing I talked about a lot, it’s broadening the awareness of the people that follow them, opening them up to the ascension. They’re not bringing the ascension to you, and you’re not just going to magically flip a switch by listening to their music or something, they’re just activating people, and it’s more towards the conscious level of awareness. Which is obvious, but you know…

Again, everything is pushing towards the collective purpose of the seven of them by way of expanding their light bodies and projecting those higher frequencies, however, I’m not sure how that works when there are massive amounts of people still sitting in that old timeline. 

I think it’s like Jin’s thing where the frequencies and the vibrational shifts from them are only going to be put out to people that are receptive to them now, which means there would need to be a frequency match already. That doesn’t mean that the people in lower frequencies won’t shift or ascend as well, they’re just going to be getting it from their guides and higher self, and it will probably occur later, but pretty rapidly once those floodgates open. Very similar to what is happening with Hoseok right now.

He shifted because Yoongi and Namjoon did and now he has to integrate at a faster pace to keep up, which can be quite taxing on the body and mind for people who don’t have that extra support available to them as he does.

That’s all I have for this one, thank you so much for reading!

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[ajordanart-blog]

Blog #10:Relationships with Pain

Let’s talk about relationships real quick. Chronic illness can be isolating. It is so easy to feel alone in your battles, and in many ways we do have to make a lot of efforts and growth on our own. There are many ways in which chronic illness can make relationships so much harder than they would be without it factored in, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it to build relationships and trust others. We don’t have to feel alone in our battles, and we do have several places that we can reach out to for support. No one can make the illness go away, and it is our job to make sure we find healthy ways to cope with our problems-- be it mental or physical health related. I started my journey with chronic pain feeling extremely alone. The doctors couldn’t tell me what was wrong, every sign pointed to “you’re healthy, there are no issues,” and it really felt like people were telling me it was all in my head. I wanted to talk about it, but I struggled to articulate why it was hard to get up and do the things I needed to do, why I was late all of the time, and why I didn’t know how to adjust to it yet. The labels lazy and irresponsible were starting to cling to me even though I still had an extremely strong work ethic. I just also had a severe amount of fatigue pulling me back. I was carrying around a heavy weight that continued to grow, and I did not know what to do with it, and it was taking an emotional toll. I also fed into the myth that sharing my issues and frustrations with pain would be a burden for others, so it was better left alone, which is entirely false. There are ways to communicate your frustrations that are healthy for both parties. And truthfully, part of being a good friend means being there for them. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or asking if someone has the time to listen, especially if you’re willing to reciprocate that and show them the same kind of support whenever they need it.   Knowing your resources and knowing your support systems are so important in being able to continue to stay healthy and continue throughout your day-to-day lifestyle. I have several support systems now, but they wren’t always around in the beginning or in the ways that I needed. And I didn’t always know how to communicate how I was feeling either, which gave me more trouble with getting help or even just helping those close to me understand what exactly it was that had been going on. (It definitely didn’t help that my doctors couldn’t easily explain it to me either, so you can see why this in general was just a big mess for a while on my end.) And “support system” doesn’t have to exclusively mean people who understand or who can offer helpful advice or solid solutions. It definitely factors in sometimes, but a good support system can be found in someone who is just there to hang out, keep you company, and remind you to have fun. So here’s a general list of people who have helped and supported me in ways I didn’t fully expect going into this. Family:

Family can be an incredibly helpful resource if you’re lucky enough to have that. And honestly, for the past 3 years, family is one of the support systems that has simultaneously been the most gratifying but also one of the ones that I struggled the most with, all the way out to my extended family. I’ve had family members tell me I’m faking it or exaggerating, that I’m not trying hard enough, that my fatigue and sheer exhaustion was just laziness, telling me that everyone experiences some aches and pains sometimes and to suck it up, and it was honestly just wearing me down. I had to learn to let go of those opinions. That if this is how anyone felt about me, even if they were family, they were wrong, and it was their problem if they didn’t want to accept my limits and let me accommodate for my own health. I knew my work ethic, i knew I wasn’t lazy, and I knew no one else had the same problems that I did at my age. I cared the most about my immediate family though. Truthfully, my dad didn’t want there to be anything wrong with me, and I looked healthy, so he struggled to accept that I am in debilitating pain often, and that I need to accept my limits, be honest about them, and pace myself, instead of just blindly pushing through these barriers like how he’s apt to do. But he’s also been there to make sure I have access to doctors appointments and the general healthcare that’s been helpful in trying to find solutions to this issue, and over time he’s gotten better about listening and accepting some of the harder stuff that comes with it. (Partially thanks to my mom.)  My mom has been the BIGGEST support. She’s didn’t fully understand the problem at first either, for similar reasons to my dad: I’m young and I appear healthy, and I’m her baby, so she didn’t want anything to be wrong. But she was able to begin to accept it so much quicker because she experiences a lot of the same things that I do, but for different reasons. She’s been my advocate for so long and has helped me research issues, look for doctors, and find solutions. She’s honestly just been a great and understanding companion as well. Her issues stem from osteoarthritis, but we carry pain in similar areas. Mine are just more nerve related, and honestly, it’s nice to have someone who on any scale just kind of gets it. We’re able to in a sense compare notes, talk about what helps, what doesn’t help for both of us, and take turns helping each other out on bad pain days. 

Friends:

There’s that old saying: you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And I have made many friends in my adult life who have been great, positive influences in not only how I deal with chronic illness, but also in how I treat myself. I have definitely made some draining and un-supportive “friends” along the way and have had to learn how to distance myself from them, but over time, even those friendships became learning experiences. I knew what not to look for in friends and the people who I surround myself with daily. But my best friends are the people I learn from and grow with daily and are honestly who I am most thankful for. My best friends from high school were the first to accept my health issues without pushing back. They were the first to really listen, and even if they didn’t understand, just hearing “I’m sorry dude. But these are your strengths and you’ve got this,” was so helpful. I think a majority of my friends either struggle with mental health or some form of chronic illness. Two of my more recent close friends struggle with chronic pain, one with migraines who is just as affected by weather as I am, and one who is in a similar boat with weird fluctuating symptoms, and more than a year’s worth of doctors appointments that lead to “normal” test results. And again, it is so nice to have people around and compare notes with what helps and what doesn’t help. And, I suppose sometimes misery loves company, but truthfully I think we all have used our problems as an outlet to learn the kind of patience and understanding it takes to help us all be aware of each others strengths and limitations and where we need to encourage one another or meet in the middle.

The same is true for my boyfriend. He’s been one of my best friends for the past seven years and he’s been a major help and support for me to learn how to accommodate for and manage my pain. He’s been there through all the frustration, tears, and just sheer agitation, and has met it with a tremendous amount of acceptance, patience, and understanding. Like genuinely, I am so lucky to have anyone who would even remotely be willing to offer that. I honestly never advocate for people who are struggling to seek out a significant other, because there’s a HUGE misconception that having a S/O will solve your problems. It doesn’t. But having someone in your life who knows you well, knows your strengths, and knows what you’ve been through is extremely comforting. At least in this situation, I’m including Matt as one of my supportive best friends, because, especially in regards to my health, I care way more about the friend aspect of our relationship. 

Pets:

Okay I know this sound silly, but having a pet has been one of the most helpful things in regards to dealing with my pain. I learn from my rabbit every day. She makes me step outside of myself. Taking care of her and having her company is just so therapeutic. It can be inconvenient at times. Like, cleaning out her litter box can be an sever struggle when I’m flaring up pretty bad, same with refilling her hay box and doing any kind of bigger work, but it’s not anything that’s not worth sacrificing for her, and I can usually manage. She doesn’t offer any advice for my health issues, and she can’t technically listen to or understand my problems, but sometimes we don’t need complex solutions or understanding to feel better. Sometimes we just need company.

Online Communities:

If you don’t have anyone else, online communities can be a HUGE help in connecting with others. Especially others like yourself. One of the biggest helpful tools I’ve stumbled across is a Facebook Group. It’s is a smaller group of people all over the globe who each deal with various chronic illnesses who also love fashion and self-expression. It’s an open forum to ask questions, to make self expression posts, to vent, to encourage each other, and to get help with some of the harder issues, because chances are, someone in the group has had a similar struggle. I recently had to ask about barometric pressure changes and if the affect anyone else, and how to deal with the weather as it comes, because it’s something I personally still struggle with, and some of the solutions and affirmations that came from asking truly helped. 

(Name and profile pic is blocked out for the privacy of the user.) Yourself:

You are your biggest support system. If all else fails, and trust me, I’ve been there, you have to learn how to rely on yourself.  If all we do is tear ourselves down, we have no way of helping ourselves back up. We need to make sure that daily we are making a point to build ourself up long-term so that we have a good foundation for our more difficult days. We need to make sure that we are putting in the work, time, and effort to take care of ourselves, understand ourselves, accept our problems and quirks, work on them as best as we can, and help ourselves every day. That way, when there are hard days, even when no one else is available, you have something within yourself to pull from to pick yourself back up. We can either be our own worst enemy or our best friend. That’s something that, regardless of any of these other relationships and resources, we are in control of and we can always improve on.  Overall: Seek out relationships that are healthy. Engage within them as healthily as you can! But most importantly, seek out a good relationship with yourself. Support systems often feel like everything, so it’s important that we invest in them whenever we can! Seeking out support systems is one of the many ways we can encourage ourselves to stay resilient!

[myasthmajourney]

Traditional Japanese Doctors--ugh

Thought I would share what a visit is like with my doctor.  This is kind of typical, especially when we are concerned about something or want a change/adjustment/whatever.  If we just come in, check in, get out and get our meds, we have no real issue.

I want to preface this by saying that this doctor came with very good reviews.  He is one of the top pulmonary/lung specialists for asthma in all of Japan.  He has given lectures, taught most other doctors, lots of books, awards, etc etc.  I am guessing he is around 50-60 years of age, his son also has a practice (I think).  My husband didn't choose this guy lightly.  He is also the only nearest practitioner for...well, miles.  The next one is about a 2 hour drive--ONE way.  To be on insurance, we have to go as often as the doctor feels is necessary, or every month for refill reasons or something like (I am a little uncertain of the details).  There is a large hospital in the big city a little closer that calls in specialists from the prefecture--but that means we have a good chance of running into him again.  Talk about embarrassing.  If we go somewhere else, we burn a bridge--and I am not willing to do that just yet.  We may still seek a second opinion just for the second opinion, though.  Japan is also really weird on the hierarchy thing within the medical system, and there is a very tight in-bed going on between insurance, pharmacy and the doctors.  AS you can see, this is very complex.  So there is a little background.  Been going to this guy for about five years now, I think.

Okay, so I go in yesterday feeling not so hot.  My peak flow was around 570--a good number for me--but I was feeling.  Something.  My breathing was slow, but shallow.  Inhale was less than exhale, but the exhale was pretty long.  Extending the exhale or shallowing my breath didn't help, but I got some relief from my reliever.  So I let the doctor know that I wasn't feeling to good.  Then, I decided to ask, in my broken Japanese, why I can have asthmatic symptoms even though my peak flow was good.  I also asked him about why I can wake up feeling like I run a marathon or did hard exercise in the middle of the night.

Now, I know the answers to these.  Between a good book, lots of online articles, and forums like this website, I know that the former is due to small airways acting up while larger ones are still okay.  I took choir and singing for years--my breath control is awesome, even if my lung functions are lacking.  I also know that the sleeping thing is basically me having a flare in the middle of the night and sleeping through it.  But I wanted to see what the doctor said.  I guess you could call it a small test.  I also tried to make this clear that I have noticed this for YEARS, not just recently.  I think that got lost in translation.

For the former, about high peak flow but options--he did this...hmm, good question thing.  He didn't have an answer.  He took out the SpO2 device to check my oxygen.  On my device at home, I usually stick at 98 and occasionally dip to 97.  I almost never go to 99.  There is a 1 point difference between the doctor and mind.  His says 99 for my 98.  Today, it said 100--so he said hyperventilation.  For both questions. ::insert eye roll here::

I know that arguing won't do anything, but I tried to let him know that I really don't have any hyperventilation feelings.  It is *different*.  My breath may be shallow, but it is really really slow.  No headache, no tingling--and my breath only quickens when I do stuff.  I wanted to explain in more detail, but that was the best I could do.

So he says, okay--we how about we do a spirometer and pulmonary test.  Yay.  I don't know how to explain all the tests.  Basically, the first is some kind of breath control (something I have always done pretty easily).  You blow in and maintain your breath so that the marker is in the green zone.  There was another inhale/exhale test.  Then I put my mouth around this device that did a weird pulsing.  That always feels weird, I hate it.  Then I did some more in and out breaths.  These had a up-down graph (up for inhale, down for exhale) and a spiral.  I did notice that on this one, there was a number up in the right hand corner that--i think--said temperature.  The number was something like 29--well, over 20 and under 30--this will be important in a minute.  Anyway, needless to say, doing the test was rough.  I had to take a LOT of breaks, and I coughed horrible after we finished (and a few times between takes during this final bit).  then I got a breathing medicine thing. Not sure what it is--you hold this little glass vial and inhale a kind of steam.  This stuff usually helps a lot.

In we go.  The doctor says that my lung functions have improved greatly over the last year!  Yay!  Well, I am hesitant.  I really want him to do this in the winter, when I am really bad.  But I didn't say anything at this time.  I think he said the other tests indicated a slight hyperventilation  And then--

Now this is where that temperature thing is important.  He looked at that number and basically was like--wow, something IS going on here.  This is too high.  It is usually only like that when there is some allergen irritating the lungs.  So he explains that I am basically sitting on a volcano.  The allergen hasn't fully manifested as an allergic reaction, but it is close.  This is probably why I felt like crap.

You have no idea how badly I wanted to say "See, I TOLD you so.  I told you something was wrong and it wasn't hyperventilation!"

So he took some blood to send to a lab to check for what the allergy might be and set me up on an IV plus a pred for the next couple of days to keep it under control.

Of course, a wonderful long-time friend asked an important question that I didn't even think about--why a blood test?  Why didn't he do a prick test, or if he isn't an allergist (which he isn't) why not refer you?  Excellent question.  I don't have the answer.  But if we don't get a good answer from the blood work, or even if we do, we will probably refer ourselves if he doesn't.

Right now, there are a couple of possibly candidates for the allergen.  First up, and highest on the suspect list, is my dog.  We got him almost two years ago and I didn't show any issues until recently.  Had dogs and cats all my life, so this becoming an allergy would really really suck. I love animals.  Another possibility is the left over stirring of dust and mold spores from the remodel.  Lower on the list are things like pollen and whatnot.  I also went on a long trip around Japan with my mother--so something could have come in from that.  Dunno.

Meanwhile, we are adjusting how I interact with my dog until we get a clear idea of how to deal with this.  I wear a mask with him, we are increasing vacuuming, I have a smock to wear when playing/interacting with him, no more upstairs for him, and we willy try to increase his brushing.  Also, wash hands a lot.

We will find out for sure what the blood results are next week.  Then we will go from there.  But yeah, this is the kind of battle I have to fight.  Having a monopoly like this is horrible--no accountability, no need to stay up on the latest research, etc, and no choices for the patients.  He may be good for old people who are used to the traditional: he is a doctor, no questions, just do what he says.  Not good for someone like me who, the only reason I was found to have asthma was because I ASKED to be tested.  Seems like I have to be in charge here instead of the doctor :/

Right now, I am feeling pretty good--but the last few days I seem to go down-hill in the evening, so we will see how I am later today after classes and whatnot.  Luckily, I only have four classes today with a free afternoon.

[dupixentdiaries-blog]

My Eczema History (Day 0)

In the interest of science and community, I will document my Dupixent treatment to the best of my abilities. I hope that by doing so, I will keep track of my treatment while informing those who have yet or are undergoing the same.

I am not sponsored in any way by the pharmaceutical manufacturers of Dupixent besides the copay assistance, for which my insurance company said I was eligible.

I’ve had eczema since I was a baby. Neither of my parents had it, nor did my grandparents from both sides. Growing up, the severity of the flares were inconsistent. Some months, they were virtually nonexistent while during others I flaked like crazy and the itchiness was unbearable. My parents tried extreme diets, acupuncture and Eastern herbal medicine (I am an Asian woman), and OTC hydrocortisone on my skin. The only true relief I experienced was when I was first prescribed a topical steroid, Triamcinolone, at medium strength when I was 10 years old.

I continued to use that for the next decade. I never graduated from that strength, nor did I ever resort to oral or intravenous steroids. I was never properly instructed on how to use topical steroids and, through a series of different derms due to moving around a lot, was continuously prescribed this brand of topical steroid for my eczema. The only departure was a stint with Protopic. The derm who prescribed me that recommended it so that my skin wouldn’t thin from regular steroid use. I remember I couldn’t take the burning, which was very pronounced for me, so I returned to steroids.

By the time I was in college, I was slathering on the topical steroid generously on my face, neck, shoulders, and arms --- even when I was not flaring. The effect was pretty magical. I first noticed the changes in my skin between applications when it would be radiant and taut and clear almost immediately after I used it --- and then dull and dry when I didn’t keep it up. During one winter break, I remember forgetting to bring the Triamcinolone tub with me to my parents’ house. I experienced the worst withdrawal ever: my face turned beet-red.

I dropped everything and traveled four hours back to my dorm to use the topical steroid again. My skin soon calmed down and with regular use, everything went “back to normal.” It wasn’t until I moved to another country three years later that I experienced especially bad RSS and soon thereafter, TSW.

Once I’d read up on experiences similar to my own online, I decided to cease topical steroids cold-turkey. Looking back, I regret that. The swelling and the edema oozing, and the extreme flaking was awful. I managed to still go to work every day by taking hot showers every morning and moisturizing as much as possible. My overall TSW experience was 3 years but I had no idea when I’d started out that the worst was yet to come.

It wasn’t until my last year of TSW, when I came back to the states, that my condition was so severe that I was left bedridden for some weeks. By then, I’d been living with my parents, unemployed. My skin became so dry and hard that it literally felt like tree bark. I couldn’t move my body sometimes. I did notice that the symptoms were cyclical. Even during the course of one day, my skin would feel more pliable at night while it was drier and stiffer during the day. Edema oozed so terribly to the point where I couldn’t sleep on a pillow because it heat up my skin, making it worse. Some mornings, I woke up with my skin stuck to my pillowsheet --- but most nights I couldn’t sleep at all due to extreme discomfort. It was the first time I’d ever seriously considered suicide. Death really did seem the kinder option for me at the time.

A major improvement did occur in the midst of all this once I stopped moisturizing. At one point, I noticed that constant moisturizing --- of any lotion, cream, or essential oil --- was making me drier and drier. When I ceased moisturizing, it was unbelievably uncomfortable. But day by day, the natural moisture of my skin improved.

I’m not sure at what point in my TSW I began to plateau because I started searching for work. And once I started working regularly again, TSW and eczema, overall, was more manageable.

I did go to a new derm during a particularly dry time and was prescribed the same Triamcinolone at the same strength. Whereas before there were never any warnings, either by the physician or on the labels, there were plenty this time around. Heeding them, I only applied a tiny amount for a very limited time during flare-ups, which are usually limited to seasonal changes for me. In the 2.5 years since, I’ve only applied topical steroids about four times and never for more than 4-5 days.

More recently, I’ve switched that out for Protopic which surprisingly no longer burns my skin. I’ve used two applications for no more than 4 days at a time.

Things that are bad for my skin:

1. Seasonal changes  Especially when the usual environmental allergens are at an all-time high, I experience flares. With the drastic temperature changes (hello, global warming), I notice changes in my skin overnight. The biggest characteristic of a flare for me is a hardened, dry crust on my face that will profusely flake off for several days. I don’t really experience a reddening of my skin unless I scratch. Because of this hardening, the inflicted skin (usually my face) also thickens and bloats. I hate this most of all. 

2. Dust mites I will immediately break out in large, angry hives and it will be very painful and itchy for me. Usually two Zyrtec pills do the trick.

3. Sweat + Heat It’s weird --- sweating can be the best or worst for my skin, depending on the temperature. When it flares and gets crusty, it’s nearly impossible for the afflicted skin to sweat. (Believe me, I’ve spent time at the gym trying to sweat, thinking this will loosen up the hardened skin without resorting to moisturizers.) Heat and sweat have less to do with flare-ups and more to do with itchiness for me. 

Things that are great for my skin:

1. My period I really think eczema is hormonal somehow because the first day of every period, my skin is at its best. It feels and looks normal. The week before my period is the worst. I always know it’s coming because I get so dry.

2. Sex It’s seriously the best thing for my skin, I’m convinced of it. Too bad I feel like I have to have great skin in the first place to feel confident enough to find someone to fuck.

3. LSD Not sure how scientific this is but I do believe that a large part of my scratching is psychosomatic. I find myself mindlessly scratching myself when I’m idle, even if there isn’t an itch. The few times I’ve microdosed, I was able to bring this under control, even throughout the night, and as a result my skin was less red and flaky.

[simplelittlebrowngirljae]

Dating while chronically ill...

There is an aspect of living with chronic illness that is often not discussed: dating and romantic relationships. We all know that maintaining romantic relationships is hard enough when you are a well or able bodied person, but imagine how much more difficult it gets when you are consistently fighting a battle day in and day out?

I haven’t been in a serious relationship in years (almost 4 years to be exact). My last boyfriend conveniently left just as my health issues began to surmount—I had to have emergency surgery to remove an ovary, tube and mass in my pelvis and as I woke up from anesthesia not only were some of my organs gone, but so was my boyfriend. Crazy right? Since then, my health has declined and my life is very different and I am not an average 32 year old. Most of my time is spent in doctor’s offices, having tests and procedures done, getting labs done consistently, or even just recovering from existing because my body is tired from fighting itself all day long. When I come home from a long day, I often just want to relax and nap, and coming back out the house for dinner during the week or staying up late is just not something I do because I just physically can’t. Of course, this limits how I meet people and grow relationships. I have had many a potential suitor get very frustrated because I decline going out at 7pm on a weeknight or that I have had to reschedule because I have had a long day at work and body can literally do no more.

So because I don’t go out as often as I used to, I have tried a myriad of ways to meet guys and needless to say, it hasn’t worked out for various reasons. I often try to avoid bringing up my chronic illness for a while and just be a human, but many men just fall short. Now, if I am lucky to find one who can make the cut to getting my number, I often go back and forth about how forthcoming I should be about my health. Do I tell right away so they know what they are dealing with or do I try to hide it for months and pray that when I do reveal they are accepting? Well, I have tried it both ways and have had mixed reactions. But one thing that is consistent in response is this: after the initial ‘ aw man, that really sucks you deal with so much. You are really strong for going through all of this’ things then get interesting. If I start feeling comfortable and get honest with that person about how I feel and my highs and lows, they begin to withdraw or question things A LOT. For example, I get asked why are you so tired all the time? Or you have to cancel again? Or you aren’t feeling good again? Or you are still on bedrest? Or there is just a general pulling away and lack of concern and I end up spending more time by myself than with that person. I have often said that it will take a special type of person to step in and be okay with my conditions and be supportive and understand that I literally take each day as it comes. My symptoms vary and so do my methods of treating them, and part of my treatment is keeping my appointments, eating a certain way, resting, embracing alternative methods of healing in order to keep me going. But somedays, no matter if I did everything right, I will have a flare and my body will need to rest, so that means no going out for me. But that also would give a potential mate the opportunity to be creative in the moments when I can’t go out. However, that never, ever happens… instead they run away because it is easier.

Something else that complicates this is if I get an acute illness. We all know that acute illness complicates chronic illness and can send things on a whirlwind. Recently, I contracted pneumonia, which put my autoimmune disease, asthma and heart condition into a bad flare. As soon as I got the pneumonia cleared up, I got a double sinus infection, double ear infection, pharyngitis and kidney infection, which of course the stress on my body from that infection kept me in a flare. I was extra fatigued and in more pain. My migraines also kicked up, more than likely from stress and the fact that while all of this was going on it was 100+ degrees out… not the best environment for someone like me who is a chronic illness sufferer. And just when I thought I had gotten all the infection out and my body was returning to its normal, I started feeling really weird again and sick. I ended up at the ER for a 3rd time in a month. I wasn’t moving air very well, my heart was acting up and I just felt bad. My labs came back all over the place, my kidneys were working way too hard to keep up with everything and I had a lot of inflammation in my lungs, as well as the lining of my ribcage. I had quite a lengthy stay at the ER getting mass fluids pushed to try to help my kidneys, have infusions to reduce inflammation and also doing breathing treatments to open my lungs up. I also was coughing so much I dislocated a rib and strained some chest muscles, so I had to be watched closely. I was finally stable enough to go home  after about 6 hours.

I followed up with my primary care doctor after this latest episode and she was very concerned. I didn’t look or sound too good, so she ordered me on bedrest for a week and to do my breathing treatments every 4 hours religiously. So I mentioned all of this to a potential gentleman suitor and at first he was all “awe hun I am so sorry. Rest up and I will check on you later.” Fast forward several days we were talking and he asks if I have any exciting plans for the weekend and told him no, I am still on bedrest. His response was “still? I thought you would be over everything by now.” I couldn’t even answer right away. I actually had to think and pray about my response. I ultimately told him that one day of bed rest doesn’t fix everything and I was really bad off this time, so it is going to take me a while to recover. Also, I am by myself so I am not truly on bed rest because I have to keep getting up in order to fix myself food or refresh my drinks. Now, if you would like to come keep me company and help me stay in bed, I would appreciate it. I may heal faster. He had no response after that. Unfortunately this is a common conversation and many of my potential relationships end after conversations like this because that is when most really realize what all I deal with and that my life really is complicated and that  this is not for the faint at heart. I am not saying being chronically ill makes a needier partner. If anything, it makes me more independent because I have learned to do for myself and by myself, as well as value and cherish the little things in life. It also makes me loyal, because I have not the strength nor the energy to deal with foolishness and since I do spend so much time at home or on bedrest, it allows me to be attentive to that person and really be dedicated. However, many do not see it that way. All they can see is are diagnoses or what I am not able to do.  They don’t see the opportunity to get creative with things to accommodate my flare days or restrictions.

Since I have had many epic fails in dating, in order to not waste my time or anyone else’s I always try to be forthcoming with my conditions and be detailed so they can choose if it is something they can handle or not. I also tell them I am not looking for them to be the caregiver off the bat or be my knight in shining armor, but I am doing it so you know what you are getting. If while we are getting to know each other and you feel compelled to come to an appointment, come keep me company while I am on bedrest, bring me food or any of these things that seem caring and supportive, that is on you, especially in the beginning. I don’t have the expectation that you would do these things from the jump, especially because it takes time to build trust and respect on both ends. Now, I will say that being kind and practicing acts of service is amazing to me because that is my primary love language, but as I said before, I would expect this over time.

The hard part with all of this is finding someone who will accept this painful ( literally painful) side of you that is innately part of your being, but also who will still respect you as a person and support you when you need it. I also need someone who doesn’t need to be raised, more or less because I have enough within myself to take care of that raising a grown man would only add stress to me, versus alleviating my stress.

I know that the perfect man who understands my situation is out there. I also know that being patient with myself and the process is key in making it through this journey. Until then, I will be thankful for my current support system and hope that maybe one of them will lead me to that right person!

[bangtan-army-canada]

Madhouse Pt 1 - JiHope Fic

A/N: Hello, hello! This fic turned out wayyyy longer than I thought it would, so I had to break it up into parts. I was inspired by  Jimin’s Wings SF and Jhope’s scenes in I need U Girl! Let me know what you thinK! I hope you enjoy :)

JHope

“Patient 101395. Patient 101395.” I flinched at the interference, high keening noises weren’t helping the steady pulse behind my eyes. I ran my fingers through my hair, calmly waiting for one of my oldest friends to seat himself across the table. Three guards sat stationed around the room, two on his side and one practically glued to my back. As if Jiminie would hurt me.

I snorted. 

This whole thing was a ridiculous charade, Jimin could be an idiot and definitely had a temper. But murder? I snorted again, shaking my head in disbelief at the cops incompetence. Jimin wasn’t crazy. It was impossible. They were wrong. 

I checked my phone quietly. 12:03pm. I had to meet my doctor in an hour to discuss alternative treatments for my “depressive and manic behavior.” Dr. Kang felt strongly that I was too reliant on drugs to handle my many illnesses. As I thought of the crappy luck I had with my health lately, my heart contracted painfully. My nails dug into the soft flesh as I scratched, briefly wondering if this was a heart attack. The doctor obviously did not understand the severity of not only my pain, but the daily symptoms I battled through. It seemed impossible for one man to have over 15 diseases but I was a special exception. Dr. Kang had ordered a round of testing to establish the cause of my sicknesses but did not share the results with me. I was positive it was something horrible, like cancer. I made a mental note in my head to mention the increasingly frequent headaches I had been experiencing. Could definitely be a tumour. 

“Patient 101395 entering.” The guard stationed closest to the steel doors announced. My eyes zeroed in on the entryway, eager as always to see my adorable little brother. It had been months since Jimin was admitted in the asylum and I hadn’t seen him since.

My jaw dropped at the sight of him, my normally lively friend. His eyes were dark, purplish circles glowing underneath. His skin looked a sallow yellow in contrast with his stark white button up, His white-blond hair was lank and greasy and clearly hadn’t been washed of days. I swallowed in pain, my recent strep throat flaring. This wasn’t Jimin, everything about him was washed out. He was like a faded watercolor of the boy I once knew.

I didn’t realize I was standing until the firm hand of the asylum guard forced me back into the plastic chair. 

“Jimin?” I breathed, barely believing this ghost was my cheerful friend. A small smile bent his full lips, growing steadily until Jimin’s eyes reflected the beaming grin on his face.

“Hoseok” Jimin rushed over to the chair, guards hovering closely behind him. “Hi hyung. I had no idea it was you.” He laughed quickly, my heart warming at the sound. There was an edge there though, an echo of something I had never heard from him before. “Thought it was another reporter, they’re like bugs, sneaking in and out. Need to be squished huh?” He laughed again, his dark eyes wide. I met his smile nervously, unsettled by the hyper energy rolling off the blond boy in thick waves. 

“Hi Chimchim.” I used the pet name our group of friends often called him and Jimin smiled. “I missed you a lot. Sorry I haven’t been to visit earlier.” Jimin was already shaking his head, grinning as he stretched his legs out onto the table in between us. 

“No worries hyung, I know your health has been bad. Plus, I’ve had plenty of visits. Though it is special to see you.” I nodded, surprised by the idea that the rest of the guys had come to see him. Our eyes met and I instantly lost all of the tension that had balled up in my stomach. This was still him, this was Jimin.

Maybe my nerves had nothing to do with him and more to do with some other illness.

“Jimin, I’m going to talk to Namjoon about trying to get you a better lawyer. It’s ridiculous that you should be in here. I don’t even know who you were supposed to have killed.” I looked down at my palms, rubbing the semi circles my nails had made when I clenched my fists. “Whatever, you’re innocent.” 

Jimin’s easy smile was gone, replaced by a steely look I had never seen before. “That’s the system for you.” he sneered, venom dripping from every syllable. “Imprison good people, interrupt their lives, their plans.” As I watched Jimin seemed to transform, his eyes losing all feeling except for a dead sort of rage. His mouth was pressed together firmly angry wrinkles forming around it. “Every moment I’m in here is a moment I’m not with her.” Jimin’s nostrils flared, his eyes slightly rolling back as he seemed to lose control of himself. I shifted, the discomfort returning. 

“Her, Chim?” Like flipping a switch, Jimin’s face instantly brightened, making me wonder if I had imagined the deathly stare moments ago.  “Do you mean Y/N?” He swallowed slowly, his eyes sparkling with intensity. 

“Of course. My girl.” Jimin smirked, picking at his left pinky nail. “You’ve met her, Hoseok.” I pressed my lips together, thinking back. I had known, of course that Jimin was in a serious relationship, he had told me multiple times that he was planning on marrying by the end of the year. I tried to picture her face, but it was slightly foggy. I’d met her, he was right, but I couldn’t remember much. Then again, it was probably a few years ago, she hadn’t been there at the funeral, the morning Jimin had been arrested. Which I had thought was very weird considering she knew how important…he….Jin was to Jimin. I pressed my nails into my palm again, drawing blood.

“Yes.” I agreed, understanding now that it must be Y/N and not our friends who was seeing Jimin so frequently. “It’s nice of her to visit you.” I prodded. Jimin merely smiled, a look of complete adoration filling his eyes. 

“She would never leave me. Y/N, she’s special.” He sighed, a terrifying expression flashing across his pale face. “It’s me that left her. Being in this fucking madhouse is a joke.” He shook his head slightly, reaching his long arms up to stretch. ”It’s a lie, you know. They want to help you? Please! All these doctors they tell me things about myself that aren’t true. They lie. I’m going to actually go crazy in here, Hoseok. When Jin died, I didn’t want to face it.”

We both looked at the ground, struggling to fight against the waves of pain that threatened to drown us. 

“I didn’t want to know the truth.” Jimin continued. “So I lied to myself, lied to Y/N about what happened, about reality. I lost the truth for a while, I couldn’t remember how to be honest. It was a spiral.” I frowned, unhappy to see tears pooling in my friend’s eyes. I touched his hand gently, smiling softly when he glanced at me.

”But she helped me, hyung. She made me face the harsh truths of this world. Death is inevitable, it will take everyone. Death is peace. I love her more than anyone.” He stared off into space for a few moments. “A new lawyer sounds good. Look at you, always bringing me a little hope.” He shook my hand firmly in his tiny ones. I stared meaningfully at them until he smacked my arm.

“I get it, I have small hands. Leave me alone.” He threw his head back, laughing hard. 

“If anything, I think it should be evidence that there’s no way you can kill someone. Not with those baby hands.” Jimin didn’t respond, merely stared at me, head slightly tilted.

“How are you hyung? Still feeling like crap?” I sighed, leaning my back against hard plastic.  

“I’ve been in and out of the hospital for a month, Dr. Kang is pretty much on speed dial.” Jimin’s light eyebrows were drawn together in concern, so I shot him a reassuring smile. “Dr. Kang helps me, don’t worry. It’s just all a bit annoying, I feel like every day my body has some new pain.” I flinched, reaching into the black messenger bag I always carried to pull out a small pill bottle and travel sized water. The pill bottle was slick in my clammy hands, and I fumbled a bit spilling a few on the table near Jimin. Carefully, Jimin lifted the red and yellow tablet and spun it around, looking closely. 

“Danger, danger.” I frowned, and snatched it away from him. “They give these to patients here, Hoseok.” I shrugged, tossing my head back to swallow. “And this is the crazy house.” The shudders running through my fingers calmed as I felt the pill slide its way down my throat, coating the walls of my stomach with comfort. 

“Just cause they look the same, doesn’t mean they are.” I desperately wanted to take another, just one more, I needed it really. But Jimin was staring, one blond brow raised and I could feel judgment. And worry. “Let’s talk about you again, Chimchim. Tell me about your case. I was checked into the hospital the morning after you were arrested so I don’t even know who was murdered. Tell me everything, so I can help you. What evidence do they even have?”

Jimin’s eyes looked like they might fall out. “You...don’t...know..?” He choked, lips slightly purple. I touched his hand in alarm. 

“No, how could I? Jimin, breathe. What’s going on with you?” Jimin started laughing, the same edge much clearer. I leaned away, as the laughter got more intense, and more unhinged. He leaned forward, stretching his arms across the table to clutch onto my wrist, his light head thrown back in manic delight. 

“Jimin?” The guard behind me shifted, pulling my chair away from my friend. 

“H-Hoseok...you’re going to help me...and..and you don’t even know-“ Tears were gathering in Jimin’s eyes, a smile still evident on his face, though the guards had effectively pulled him from me.  I was watching my friend distrustfully, seeds of fear gathering in my stomach. Yes, Jimin seemed the same, but there was something off about him. Something missing. His internal switch seemed to flicker, and horrifyingly, Jimin’s expression went from mid-laugh to murderous rage in less than a second. I met the eyes of the guard at my side, mirroring his astonishment. It seemed as if my brother was glitching, he couldn’t focus on anything, his eyes darting his expression flickering on and off. 

“Jimin.” I was still semi-leaning against the guard, watching my friend flip out. He raised his hands to stretch again but instead waved them around before letting them hit the table with a bang. “Jimin.” I repeated waiting for him to look at me. 

“She didn’t understand.” He spoke low, almost growling with emotion. “We aren’t just friends hyung we’re family. She didn’t get that.”

‘I know, bro. We are family, all of us.” 

“But he died. Jin died and he left and he was right.” Jimin looked at me hopefully, eyes still unfocused. “He was the oldest and smartest.” I snorted at that. “We have to follow, he’s our brother, we have to follow. V knew, V understood. Y/N didn’t get it.” 

I flinched at the nickname. V was another of our closest friends, after his death, V couldn’t cope. He went wild, snapped and murdered his father. None of us had been surprised though, V was always passionate, if pushed too far V could be capable of anything. And V’s father was hell on earth, he had tortured V and his sister endlessly. V jumped off a construction site and lost himself in the waves before he could pay for his crime. I guess that’s a punishment itself. 

“Jimin, V did not have the right idea. V lost himself, but you Jimin. You’re not like that. You’re so much softer than V ever was. This isn’t you.” 

The scream of an animal burst out of Jimin and the guards immediately jumped on him. “She didn’t understand.” He screeched, thrashing against the restraining hands. “V was right. It’s all a lie. This life, her love.” Jimin focused his wild eyes on me for a moment, still twitching. “Your lying.” He spit. “You don’t want to help me You want to be good, to prove your good. Prove your not a drug addicted mess.” He chewed his lip so hard, blood dripped. “You aren’t good. None of us are. This world, it’s full of liars. Y/N was a liar. I wanted to save her. I did save her.” His eyes rolled back into his momentarily and he went slack, the guards stumbling with the sudden lack of tension. 

“Jimin! Is he okay? Jimin?” I moved towards my friend, but the man behind me wrapped his hand around my wrist firmly. “Jimin!” I shouted, tears burning my eyes. Who was this poor mad boy? Where was little Chimchim? 

The guards managed to move Jimin into standing position, his irises showing once again. 

“Why did she scream hyung?” I flinched at the calm in his voice, as if nothing had just happened. As if I hadn’t just seen one of the people I loved most in the world completely lose his mind. My fingers ached to reach for my pills. One more, one more would make this pain go away. I must have a tumour in my heart, that would explain the ache. 

“I saved her. I had to. She didn’t understand but I was protecting her.” He chuckled again, his pupils returning to their regular size. “Hyung, why are you standing way over there. And hugging a guard?” 

I blinked in shock.

“Visit over.” The guard mumbled, as I continued to stare, tears slowly making tracks down my face. Jimin rolled his eyes, before smiling widely at me. 

“They’re so boring here. But I guess its just as well. I think Y/N will be visiting soon.” The two guards clutching Jimin as if their lives depended on it, exchanged a loaded glance. I wondered at their odd reaction. But the major part of my brain was focused on the burning need to swallow every pill in that bag of mine. I wanted to cry, my friend wasn’t here. Only a damaged shell of what once was. Jimin carried on as if I wasn’t silently sobbing. “Take better care of yourself, hyung. Please don’t take so many pills. It can’t be good for your health. I love you. Say hello to everyone for me, and tell them to visit more often. You too Hoseok.” The guards tightened their grip on his arms, pulling him roughly to the door. “Easy.” Jimin grumbled, tossing his hair back, before winking at me as he disappeared through the exit. 

End of Part 1! Part 2 will be released soon!