#and on the opposite end to people like 'who the fuck is bill' thats also better that uou dojt know. keep it that way forever

[pooptoucher4000]

is bill the garak of gravity falls

[eddie-rifff]

Are you assexual? How does one know? I'm asking because sometimes I think I am, but sometimes I don't... guess I'm confused lol

ayyyy i'm in a similar position! i think im ace.... i think. it is confusing lol. ill put a read more because i ended up writing a bunch, i really hope at least some of it helps!!

(im not an expert in sexuality by any means so most of what i wrote here is through the lens of my personal experience, i dont want to seem like im being like "me me me this is about meee", i only use myself as an example because thats kinda all i have and its what i know best. my hope is that you can compare and contrast your experiences against mine and get something useful from it)

attraction is a sliding scale. i dont know many ace people who experience zero physical and sexual attraction but they exist i know, so, because of that, rather than saying only those people who experience ZERO attraction are ace, i generally call myself ace even though i'm not at that far end, if that makes sense.

my reasons for calling myself ace are this: i find very few people sexually appealing, and have limited feelings of physical attraction as well. i joke about being thirsty for peter hammill or whatever but deadass he and like... andy mackay and bill bruford are the only people that i would slam my fist on a table and say "i wanna fuck this guy". and thats it. three guys who i like for reasons wherein their physical attractiveness is secondary. i didnt find ANY of them to be sexually desirable right away-- it like, crept up on me after quite some time of finding them appealing in other ways. i dont think i have ever been able to look at someone and instantly say "i wanna have sex with that person" (but then again idk if non-ace people do that to begin with lol)

i do find a number of people physically attractive, like i can point to someone and say oh wow they're hot, but i dont want to have sex with them, and i think its that lack of sexual desire that qualifies me, in my mind, as being ace.

that said, because i have never nor will never bone any of the three dudes mentioned above (sigh), i still can enjoy being physical with someone, but surely it hits differently for other people who DO experience more sexual attraction. for me its kinda like... well, this is nice :) in my experience its like... if someone randomly offered you a back massage when you didnt really need one. you'd be like, "oh, ok, sure!" you didnt want one to begin with, but since they offered, it was nice! and THAT said, i could also go the rest of my life never having sex again and it wouldnt bother me one bit-- another point for the "probably ace" jar. i would still feel like punching a hole in the wall when i look at bill bruford because hes so goddamn hot but im not going to sit around and be sexually frustrated endlessly like i know some people would.

of course i cant say what your experience is, but if it looks anything like mine, perhaps you're ace. and if it doesnt... you totally still could be asexual, just on a different part of the spectrum. some people who don't identify as being 100% ace call themselves greysexual (a term im fine with using and probably in the technical sense fits me better, i just say asexual cuz its more widely known/ accepted), some people, one of my sisters for instance, is demisexual, meaning she doesnt find people sexually desirable until she forms a personal connection with them, which is kinda along the lines of being ace but, you know, not entirely.

now, what im about to say might be the opposite of what you were looking for, but my very best advice (advice that helps me, at the very least) is just not to fret over it. im kinda the same way about my gender. i just say im nonbinary. not a boy, not a girl, sometimes i do feel like one or the other, idfk! im just nonbinary. thats how i see my sexuality as well, only i am definitely pointed more in one direction (lack of attraction) than i am the other, so just for the sake of making my life a little less complicated i just say whatever, i guess im asexual. for some people labels are comforting, and if you're one of them then by all means keep searching for your identity, but i will just warn you it may be putting undue stress upon you. all through college i gave myself such grief about being trans or cis or whatever the fuck because i just didnt understand myself and couldnt put myself into a box... so i gave up! and there was such a sigh of relief in saying idk what i am, but if nothing else i am nonbinary. and again, for me, its similar with my sexuality. im not certain of anything, but ill just say im ace and call it a day. just something to keep in mind perhaps.

id be happy to talk off anon if you want but if you wanna stay anonymous thats totally cool! im happy to give input in any case :) i really really hoped this helped in any kind of way!!!

[turdblossommm]

I’ll Fly Away {13}

Summary: You had a rough childhood and are closed off from people in fear of being hurt again. James Barnes is the complete opposite from you, he grew up well and healthy. James Barnes knew how to get what he wants but when he faces the challenge of knowing you will he succeed

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

A/N: One more part after this! I’m so sad and excited that this is coming to an end. Also I hit 400 followers the other day and I know thats not big but it’s fucking crazy to me so thank you reading!

part 12 / masterlist

You sat with Annie in her room at the nursing home, reading some Hemingway short stories. Some of the nurses said she wasn’t doing to well the last couple of days so you decided to take the day off and spend it with her. You noticed she was getting skinnier and less willing to do things.

“Come on Annie just a quick game of cribbage before I go home” You smiled and pulled out a board

“Honey why don’t you run and do the dishes before we play and then we can walk down to the ice cream shop.” You smiled while inside you were starting to crumble. How is is possible for your life to be getting better and Annie’s is withering away, she was all you ever had and now the good days are coming less and less.

“That sounds great” You kissed her forehead and pulled her blankets all the way up to her chin like she used to do for you. “I’ll see you soon” You turn down the hallway and pulled Bucky’s keys from your bag, he refused to let you take the bus again.

“Excuse me Miss. Y/L/N” A man in a suit jogged over to you “Are you Annette’s daughter?”

“Not legally, she fostered me when I was a kid” You turned away

“I’m Greg and you’re the executer of her will and testament I have a few questions for you” You nodded and followed him to an office

“Everyone gets and even share right” You sat in the chair across from him

“Not necessary” He smiled “Her three kids get a even 5 grand a piece and their kids each get a thousand”

“Anything for Bill?” You asked about her ex-husbnad

“She said he deserves a penny” You smiled

“She’s signed and written all the checks and I will pass them on after she passes away” You nodded and shook his hand

“What of everything else? Like the house?” His face scrunched in confusion

“She didn’t tell you?” He asked and you shook your head “Everything else is yours”

“Everything?” You whispered

“Yes” He flipped through papers “The house here, the one in Cabo, the cabin in Vermont” He smiled and you nodded, speechless

“Thank you” You mumbled and walked out to the car, it’s like you were in a trance until Bucky burst through the door of your apartment. His tie was loose and he cheeks were tinted pink and small smile on his face that drop when he saw you on the couch

“What’s wrong doll?” He pulled you into his chest

“She left me everything, nothing for her kids” You sat up and ran your fingers through your hair “Why would she do that?” Bucky gave you a sad smile

“Because you were there for her even where her children weren’t”

“She was the only person to want me” You shook your head “I was returning the favor”

“Because you love her and she loves you Y/N” He shook his head and chuckled “You’re a tough nut to crack and once she knocked your walls down she could see how genuine and kind you are doll. That’s why she loves you” You felt the tears roll down your cheeks

“She’s getting worse” You bury your face in his shirt and he rubbed circles on your back

“Do you want to talk about it or do you want me to take your mind off it?”

“I wouldn’t mind a distraction” You wiped your nose as Bucky pulled a thick stack of papers bound with a clip

“Want to proof read a manuscript?” You took the thick stack from him

“Why?-how did you get this?” You asked

“T’Challa is down an assistant and I said I knew someone who could help” He shrugged as you flipped through the pages. You grabbed a couple different color pens and a few hi-lighters and some tabs. Bucky opened his computer as you lost your self in the words on the page

~

The next day Bucky dropped the manuscript on T’Challa’s desk, Bucky waited while he flipped through the pages, examining your notes and corrections. When he finally leaned back in his chair Bucky took his seat and started to chew on his thumb

“She has potential” Bucky smiled “I’d like to interview her, leave her phone number” Bucky scribbled the number down and watched T’Challa reach for the phone as Bucky left the office

“Hello?” You normally don’t answer unknown numbers, but with Annie being in the home you didn’t want to take any risks

“Hi this is T’Challa we met at Tony Stark’s Gala”

“Of course, how are you?” You stood from your sitting position and walked in front of the TV which caused Clint and Nat to throw popcorn at you

“I’m doing well. I was looking at the manuscript you edited and to be blatantly honest you blew me away, you did a fantastic job” You could stop the smile from spreading across your face

“Thank you so much” 

“I do have a position to fill over here and I was hoping you’d consider an interview” Your jaw dropped

“A-an interview?” You stuttered “Of course” You scrambled for a pen and paper while Nat turned her head, your conversation had peaked her interest, Clint rolled his eyes and followed Nat’s gaze

“8 am tomorrow? Perfect” You smiled

“Have a good evening Miss. Y/L/N”

“You as well” You pulled the phone from your ear and stared at it, like the conversation never happened

“What was that?” Nat asked snapping you out of your thoughts and started your happy dance instead of responding to her. You were half way through your routine when Nat joined you and Clint sighed and joined you two. When you finished Nat grabbed your shoulders

“What happened?”

“I think I have a new job” You smiled

“Where would that be?” She asked

“Wakanda Publishing” Nat is women of many words, so to see her render speechless it was a sight

“How?”

“Bucky of course” You smiled as you walked to your room, wanting to call Bucky and tell him the news he probably already knew

“That fucker isn’t so bad I guess” Nat mumbled and pulled Clint back to the couch. For the first time in your short life everything seems to be in it’s place. You have your dream job with an unbelievably supportive boyfriend who gave you the ability to go to college and get the education you dreamed of. This was your fairytale and it was all coming true, nothing could takeaway the happiness you were feeling

Except one phone call.

TAGLIST: @skeletoresinthebasement @iamwarrenspeace @youreahandsomedevil @alina-barnes @xi-i-i-whatsyouremergency @ambivalence-is-me @101killer @stat89posts

[neverheardnothing]

what the hell will winston (and the rest of the tmc gang) even DO while working at axe cap? because axe cap clearly does NOT want quants since axe scrapped the whole team as soon as he came back.

im kinda assuming that it’s just the main 5 of them going to work at the axe cap offices for now. how does axe respond to this? the deal he made was for taylor to come work at axe cap again for a while. he really only wants taylor there. he couldnt give less of a shit about the others (well, he wants revenge on mafee). so what does he do with sara, lauren, and winston?

does winston get absorbed into their IT department? like that poor dude who got yelled at a lot when the power went out at axe cap? that’s not really his specialty though, so i cant imagine him actually going there. or does no one really notice that he’s there and so he just sits around all day and pretends he’s working, but really he’s just dicking around on reddit or working on his own projects. he just tries to keep his head down and blend into all the faceless employees at axe cap before they realize that he’s not actually doing anything all day. what about the rest of the quant team at tmc? what are they doing? in fact, what are all of the rest of the employees at tmc doing? are they also coming along to work at axe cap and we just didn’t see them there initially, or are they all back at the tmc offices just hanging around and continuing to work there. can axe cap fit all these sudden new employees arriving? how many people work at tmc? i have so many questions. back to assuming only the 5 of them go to axe cap.

or maybe the fact that winston is a quant is like a Known Fact and so all the traders at axe cap are wary of him because hes the Guy Who’s Gonna Take Their Jobs. and on the outside his personality is very brash and there’s a lot of bravado there so i can see some of them (not like dollar bill or bonnie lmao) being scared of him initially. ben kim is probably scared of winston lmao. his freakout to wendy about how he should have listened to his mom and learned how to code is coming back now that there’s an actual person here working at axe cap who is the Future of what his job will be. dollar bill and bonnie probably threaten to break his nose in or something while also very lowkey being scared.

back to everyones jobs...

lauren’s job seems pretty relevant. investor relations is important for hedge funds probably and i assume they can always use more people in that department, especially since i dont think we’ve seen anyone there before from axe cap. and if lauren is as good at it as she seems to be, then they would probably really like to use her. though would they trust her to interact with investors since she is the Enemy tm? i dont think they would want someone that hates them to be the person interacting with their investors, especially since the last time that happened, taylor walked away with billions in money from investors that were supposed to be investing in axe cap. theyre not gonna let that happen again anytime soon. maybe axe thinks the pressure of what he “has” on taylor will be enough to keep lauren in line, but still. axe has no idea what lauren could be saying to his investors. 

sara, however, what the hell is sara doing? her job is chief operating officer. which is the same title as wags, but at axe cap taylor will have no real power like they did before, so sara definitely wont either. i honestly have no IDEA what sara could be doing at axe cap tbh. thats her entire section. ive got nothing. please let me know if you think of something.

mafee has a job! he goes back to what he was doing before, but now he’s like the least popular guy in the room. except to ben kim. he’s fucking over the moon that mafee is back as we saw at the end of s4. number of traders at axe cap with even the slightest trace of morals: 2 again. i assume he and ben hang out a decent amount at work now, especially since i dont think anyone else would want to be around mafee because of the whole traitor thing. (ps how the fuck is the interaction between mafee and wendy after that whole “youre a garbage person” thing?)

ben doesnt seem to be the kind to care about his “social standing” within the company falling because he’s hanging out with mafee. i mean he gives a friendly hi to the two least popular people in the room at the moment of Highest Tension. he does NOT give a fuck. i assume winston probably also hangs out a decent amount around mafee because that’s the only other tmc person who is In The Office on the ground floor (since lauren’s job is kinda.. talking to people Outside of the office and taylor is off upstairs making those Brilliant Taylor Ideas with their big brain and being forced to hang with axe. maybe sara is also around there i guess, but she doesnt seem to be the kind to just.. hang about). but anyways this is a prime opportunity for winston and ben kim to interact, im just saying @ brian koppelman and david levien. ben is probably a lil bit scared of winston in the beginning since u know. thats his job taker right there, but he warms up to winston eventually. this isnt a benston post, ill move on now. 

(just kidding. im not done. i know the popular benston thing is that theyve secretly been dating all this time but imagine them meeting for the first time at axe cap in s5. ben and mafee are eating lunch together (acai bowls prob lmao) or something and winston just drops in, kicks his feet up on the table (mafee rolls his eyes) and casually says hi. ben on the inside is all like Ah Shit That’s The Quant Dude because he’s totally been avoiding winston up till now, but the dude is sitting across the table from him he can’t just not acknowledge him. or possibly ben has the opposite reaction. he’s grown a bit of a backbone since the last time quants were brought up. makes a show of not being scared of winston but also not being an ass to him, which makes winston respect him since everyone else here has been pretty hostile to him so far. i think winston probably has a good impression of ben because he was nice to taylor and mafee at the end of s4 and the fact that he and mafee are hanging around, so he must not be That Bad. and winston doesn’t seem to be very into the axe vs taylor rivalry (re the whole comp rant) so he probably won’t hate someone just because they work for axe cap. anyways this is the beginning of their long and healthy relationship. benston endgame yall.)

does wags remember winston? he must. that was quite an Impression he made during his interview. what are his interactions with wags like, if any? is winston all snarky like “ha, you passed on hiring me but im here anyways, fuck you” or is he wary around wags because he’s still thinking about how he got Destroyed in that interview. i dont think the walk of shame out of the building must have been something he forgot quickly. i think wags would be quick to call out winston if he weren’t doing anything while at axe cap. the interaction would probably go something like this: “ur not doing any goddamn work.” “yeah i know, u guys dont want quants, what am i gonna do?” “well, figure something out” (implied or else there). winston quickly figures something out. probably automates some stuff for them or something.

also, do people in general remember him as the guy who was REAL happy after the boxing match? i mean he kinda made a big scene. he was cheering and yelling and screaming “i won!! i motherfucking won!!” after everyone else was sitting around dejectedly because their team lost and they lost money. you have to remember that Weird Guy having a blast after everyone in the room is upset. do they seem him walk in at axe cap and go “ah, that fuckin weirdo.”

god, examining any aspect of billions for more than 3 seconds makes you realize how much of a disaster everything is. id definitely watch a show that’s just the office dynamics at axe cap now that the tmc gang is there. lord knows itd be more interesting than what’s been happening in the show up until now.

[tenorphobic-blog]

Being a cam girl

Being a cam girl, specifically, can be a great option for sex workers because it’s a lot safer than when you are with a client in person. Cam girls still have to protect themselves, of course; making sure people can’t find out their addresses or real names. Those are things that workers in all facets of the sex industry have to worry about, whether you’re a stripper or an escort. But cam girls have the privilege of working from their homes or a studio, where they don't have that threat of violence or diseases. Or they just don’t have to deal with a client having bad breath.I'm definitely one of the cam girls who would hardly ever say no. I've always wanted to try new things, but that's not because I felt like I had to. It's just personally what I want to do. I want to tick stuff off my list, I want to try everything once especially when it comes to sex positivity. Even if it's something I'm not necessarily into, I'd still give it a go. If I didn't like it, I'd be like sorry, I'm not really into that. But there's a lot of people that would say no to a lot of stuff.It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. Thats usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl ­with no bloody idea of what I was doing.The first time I went private with a guy I freaked the fuck out. All he wrote was get naked. And so far all Id done in a chat room was flash my boobs for an influx of tokens. I froze up in stage ­fright and closed the room. In my group chat I wrote: Sorry, cam froze. And I logged off for the night.

"There's a lot of burnout in this industry," Domino tells me over the phone from one of the three houses she owns in Wisconsin — one of them a lakefront property outside of Madison. She says it with a serious voice that sounds a little tired.I choose who I perform for, when I will perform and for how long it will last. I choose how I perform. When I dance, I feel like I have found liberation in the free expression of my sexuality, in a world that usually tells me to be ashamed of my body. And it is true, I do feel a curious kind of control over those who watch me, a feeling that is so far removed from the usual feeling of my body being controlled by men in my everyday life. I have felt more objectified being a waitress where I politely and quietly serve the needs of men than I do as a stripper.When I first left university, I went freelance straight away and didnt quite realise how hard it was to get regular work. I moved in with a friend who webcammed and I was like Oh that sounds like something Id love to do! I already had a sex blog and I was already posting nudes of myself and I absolutely loved it, but webcamming was a bit more of a jump. Theres still this mad taboo around it, that youre selling your body for sex, but its not exactly like that. You can do whatever you like on webcam. Most of the time youre just talking and keeping people company.But what about cam girls that don’t use studios? I decided to interview a cam girl name Ona Artist who is essentially a camming celebrity—she has 1.3 million followers on Instagram—to find out what that life is like. Turns out, it’s even more work.

Absolutely! Oh my good god! There are so many documentaries that really shit on webcammers, and that really angers me because I don't really think it has anything to do with the webcamming itself. I feel it has to do with the individual, the person. A lot of people end up doing it for money, not necessarily because they enjoy it, and they're made to feel bad about it. I totally feel the opposite. I feel like webcamming is fully me and something I wanted to do; the money was a bonus. MyFreeCams, one of the most popular of the cam portals, has a domain registered to a Leo Radvinsky, and a legal contact in the Netherlands.Domino might not be something so dramatic as that, but she's certainly smart, replies to my questions without the slightest hesitation, and oozes the confidence of a professional from any field. She just pays her bills with a dildo now.Eventually I got a bit more adventurous. I hula­-hooped in my underwear while listening to the Arctic Monkeys. I also did yoga, live­painting with my back to the webcam in only a thong. I racked up a couple hundred bucks over a few days and cashed the cheque sent the next month. By this time I’d masturbated on camera for a few guys, but I was starting to get a little bit paranoid about my face appearing in an advert on another website somewhere and someone I knew seeing it. I have nothing against sex work, having worked in the industry three times now, but I don’t like the idea of say my boyfriend's brother or housemate or one of my own family members opening a webpage to a moving image of my face mid-­orgasm purely because well, I don’t think my family would support that decision. CONTINUED BELOW...

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball 067

This title card is awesome.    

Goku’s currently deep inside the Red Ribbon Headquarters, only a few floors below the Dragon Balls he came for, and Commander Red himself.   Bad guys keep shooting at him, and they either miss or he just shrugs it off and kicks the crap out of them.   Also, every fourth or fifth guy in the Red Ribbon Army is a furry, like this adorable bunny soldier Goku just crushed with a table.  Is Goku a furry?   I mean, the tail and all.   Really, with all the animal-people and the kid with the backpack, and the nervous guys in uniforms, this feels like a convention hall got double-booked, and now they’re all fighting it out.   

I just noticed the pool table over there on the upper left.    Damn shame, but those are the fortunes of war.

 By now, the men are starting to run away from Goku instead of fighting him.  Commander Red’s really pissed about the whole thing, but there’s only two things he can do about it: Jack and shit, and Jack just got killed by Goku.

Oh wait, he just found Colonel Violet on one of the closed-circuit security monitors.   For a hot minute, he’s super thrilled with Violet as the lone hero who’s willng to run towards the enemy and defend her commanding officer.   Wait, why is she headed for the vault?

Yeah, so Colonel Violet’s only sticking around so she can blow up this huge safe and clean out the Red Ribbon’s treasury.

And I mean clean.   She left a few stacks of bills behind, but I have to assume they were worthless RRA scrip or something.    I mean, she took everything else with her.  

Oh, and she even looks at the security camera while she does this, like she knows Red is watching.   Colonel Violet is the best.  

While Red blows his stack over Violet’s treachery, Black watches the soldiers openly fleeing the base.   Turn out the lights... the party’s oooo-ver...

This guy rules.

Commander Red still won’t give up.   Now here’s where the anime and manga take very different paths.  In the manga, Red never leaves this room.   In the anime, he gathers his two Dragon Balls and orders Black to defend this floor while he goes upstairs the next one.  

Black doesn’t get it, but he complies.  He fights Goku for a bit, and doesn’t do too bad, but it’s clear that he’s no match for him.    I’m not sure how strong Staff Officer Black is supposed to be here.  For all we know, Black might be as strong as General Blue was, or maybe he’s somewhere in Colonel Silver’s class?   I mean, Goku defeated him easily, but Black lasted a lot longer than you’d expect from a desk jockey.

Is it just me, or does General Black kind of look like Michael Jordan?   He was a huge celebrity in the 80′s, and maybe the tallest guy Akira Toriyama could think of, so maybe there’s something to that. 

It turns out that Red’s plan was for Black to keep Goku occupied while he activated a deathtrap that would collapse the entire floor.   Black narrowly escapes this by falling out of a window and hanging on for dear life.   It’s at this moment that he realizes that Red was willing to kill him to take out Goku.

Red heads down to what’s left of the crushed floor, and savors his apparent victory.   All he has to do now is dig up Goku’s corpse, get the four Dragon Balls he was carrying, find the seventh one, and he can finally get his wish........................................................to be taller.

As he says this, Black climbs back inside and asks him if that’s what this was all about.   Like everyone else, he assumed Red planned to wish for world domination, but instead this whole campaign was just to alter Red’s physical appearance.  

Red insists that he can conquer the world without the Dragon Balls, but it won’t do him any good to rule the world unless he looks the part.   So Step One is to get taller, and Step Two is to conquer the world.  Step Three is to get the babes. 

There’s a distinct amount of chauvinism in Dragon Ball, but there are times when I think it does serve as a kind of social commentary.    Just about everyone in this story is motivated by sex, one way or another.   Bulma wants a boyfriend, Yamcha wants to get married, Chi-Chi wants to get married, Master Roshi wants to do a bunch of perverted stuff, Oolong wants to do a bunch of perverted stuff, and Krillin wants to get good at martial arts so girls will like him.   And now this.  

And I get it.   Hell, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t writing this for the attention.   Commander Red has a lot of money and power, but he hates the way he looks, and he either can’t get women to love him, or he thinks he could do better if he were taller.  

I also relate to Black in this scene.   I’m pretty tall myself, so I don’t really get why this is such a big deal to Red.  I’m pretty sure Black’s even taller than me, so maybe he really doesn’t get it.    It’s an easy thing to take for granted.   Nonetheless, Black is disgusted with the way Red has thrown away Red Ribbon blood and treasure on a mission which would have achieved nothing for the Army as a whole.    Red insists that he is the Red Ribbon Army, so anything that benefits him personally is good for the entire organization.  He then starts to gripe about how useless Black and all the other soldiers are, and then...

Black shoots him.   This scene still gets me.   I watched this arc thinking I had a pretty good idea how it went down, because they recapped a lot of it in Dragon Ball Z when Roshi explained to Maron who the Red Ribbon Army was.   But they never showed this.    I had no idea that Red planned to wish for height, or that Black would be so offended by this revelation that he would gun down the commander in his own base.  

And it’s amazing.   I like the manga version better, because this happens in the other room, without the whole death trap thing.   I think Toei threw that in to add the idea that Red was willing to sacrifice Black for the cause, but that’s kind of how the Red Ribbon Army always worked.  I think Black understood the risks when he signed on.    What really pushed him too far was that Red was making these increasingly erratic decisions for something so trivial.   And then Goku walks into the room and Black takes off his coat and throws it over Red’s corpse.  

Thats the big irony of this conflict.    Goku and Commander Red never meet.   There is no big showdown between the hero and the Dark Lord here.   There really isn’t a “final boss” in this arc.   Goku didn’t beat General White; Android 8 did.   Goku didn’t beat General Blue; he got help from a mouse, and then Arale and Mercenary Tao finished him off.   Goku did beat Mercenary Tao, but he was always a hired gun. 

The theme to this story seems to be that the Red Ribbon’s downfall came from within.   Goku’s opposition served as a catalyst, a stiff gust of wind to bring down the house of cards, but he never really got to beat up the masterminds.    In the end, their arrogant plans and secret weapons ended up backfiring.  

And this is why I find Staff Officer Black to be such a fascinating character.    He’s the last guy standing, the eye of the hurricane, the lone voice of reason among all the blustering egos of the Red Ribbon Army.   And yet even he hasn’t figured out the moral of the story.   He’s standing alone in a nearly empty base, he just killed the guy in charge, and he still thinks he can fix all of this and restore the Red Ribbon Army to its former greatness.  

Then Goku shows up.   In the anime, Black is somewhat surprised by Goku’s survival, but in the manga, he’s expecting this.   He tries to negotiate with the kid, offering to team up with him so they can rule the world together.   When Goku explains that he needs to wish Upa’s father back to life, Black agrees to let him have the Dragon Balls, but suggests that they team up to conquer the world afterward.  

I like this, because Black (mostly) gets it.   He alone understands that Goku can’t be taken lightly.   He has to be dealt with here and now.   If Black just lets him leave, they’ll only have to fight him again someday.   His only options are to defeat him here and now, or make some sort of alliance.    But Goku isn’t interested in an alliance, because these assholes got Bora’s dad killed.   He tells Black to just turn himself into the police.    This is about as close as we’ll get to Goku saying “Call the cops, I don’t give a fuck.”

So Black pulls out a capsule containing a mech, and fights Goku with it.  This seems kind of pointless, but as it turns out, he does pretty well against Goku, and like I said, he’s got no other choice.   If Goku won’t join him, then he’ll have to be stopped here and now, or the Red Ribbon Army won’t have any future.

The dub has a line where Black plans to rechristen the army as the Black Ribbon Army, which I think is super awesome.   Unfortunately, he never said it in the original script, but I guess it would have been too soon to make those kinds of plans.  Black Ribbon Army.   That just sounds so cool.

Meanwhile, Yamcha’s team is still headed for the base, but they meet Colonel Violet flying away from the base, and they both desperately struggle to avoid a confrontation.   It’s a pretty cute scene, but kind of superfluous.   Also, this is the last we ever see of Colonel Violet.    Well, she’s in Path to Power, but that’s a long ways off...

Back at HQ, “Commander” Black is actually working Goku over pretty good.    Maybe he should have broken out that robot suit a while back, when it would have done more good?   This is sort of like how Mercenary Tao had a sword and a grenade on him when he started losing to Goku.    Up to that point, Tao had been completely untouchable, so it really makes you wonder why he bothered carrying those weapons around with him.   Oh well.

[kendrixtermina]

Disclaimer For Potential Partners (f/m/x)

Writing this down as much to gather my thoughts and go into this with clear priorities as for possible future reference. 

My mother always told me that if you wanted everyone to like you, you’d have to be a 50 dollar bill. I have come to accept that I’m more like licorice. Some people aren’t gonna like me but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who would appreciate me. 

I’d rather you run away screaming NOW than in three years when we’re both invested so Let’s get all this out of the way:

I’m bisexual. Yes, I’ve dated dudes in the past. I’ve had a brief online flirt with an agender person and do think androgynous ppl are hot which I suppose would make me pan in some ppl’s books, at this point the choice in label is purely aesthetic. I’m looking for a female partner right now because I’ve always had a slight preference for girls anyways but a sufficiently compatible non-female would not be refused. 

Because ppl have gotten this wrong in the past: Preference is about how likely you are to notice that someone is hot in the first place like in the early stages. It doesn’t mean my attachment to those dudes was any less “real” (or the other way around!) I just flat out don’t care whats in your pants there are other things to be picky about

From since I was young, the message I got from music, books etc is that it’s pretty bad to say “I love you” unless you truly mean it. So I don’t say “I love you” until I’m 100% sure I can do that it good conscience. It seems that it takes me a bit longer to be sure than most people, but it’s not like I’ve conducted statistics on this

I’m not vegan/vegetarian and I’m never going to be vegan/vegetarian

I’m not a pet person 

I’m not a sporty person and I’m never going to be a sporty person

Go through my stuff, spy on me in any way or ask me to tell you where I am at all times and its over

I’m an antiprohibitionist and don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with taking recreational substances. Conversely, I’m not interested in that sort of thing as a full-on lifestyle either. 

I try to keep an open mind and try everything once but im probably not gonna reorganize my life around new age woo-woo. 

So far my folks have liked most my partners, but if our social circles don’t get along I’m comfortable with leaving them separate. 

I believe in judging people as individuals first. I don’t wanna hear no paranoid shit about “the muslims” or other stereotypical carricatures but if you’re gonna be “europeans that europeans this” as if im not in the room its not gonna work. 

Don’t be fooled by the foreign-sounding surname im a potato through and through. No exotic fanservice to be had here. 

Barring unforseen dictatorships, I don’t want to move out of Europe. I like it here. Its full of frustrating dumbasses but so is the rest of the world.  Yay for cheese and consumer protection laws! I would consider moving closer to the shore though. 

It’s fine if you don’t speak German but you should not hate or dislike it.  English is a plus because me, my friends and my family are into internet culture

I haven’t spoken to my father in five years. No, you’re not going to patch this up. You don’t have to ignore him too if you’re not comfortable but you’ll have to respect my choice instead of playing family therapist or throwing platitudes about forgiveness at me. 

Im not counting and it depends on your definition but Ive fucked at least 15-20 people, which according to statistics is above average? Always used rubber unless it was long-term and exclusive tho. That might bother some ppl. 

That said it has been my conclusion that fucking does nothing that a beer can’t do and that the real quality stuff is what you could already do as a grade schooler when you still thought of all the grownup stuff as mystical. Having ice cream together, exploring new places, having contemplative conversations in the rain, telling each other your fantasies? That’s The Stuff. 

Hence while I wouldn’t turn down some fuckage along the way what im looking for at this point is someone to share life and grow old with, like there doesn’t need to be the expectation of further strings but the end goal RN is to find One That Sparks Joy(TM) that will get precedence

I’m not big on material gifts or the ritual part of dating if thats important to you I might not be the ideal candidate, but if its not thats probably good for your wallet

I’m a strong introvert. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to anyone other than my boss or maybe texting my relatives. If you’re very introverted or work alot this might be an advantage. Of course if I love you I will try my best to match up to your attention needs but if you need your partner to text you 15 times every day to feel good I might just not be your cup of tea

That doesn’t mean im not interested in going on or doing new experiences. I very much hope to do that together with you just not 5 days a week - if you can’t give new things wholehearted tries things might get uncomfortable

I like spicy food and all sort of asian cousine, but if you can’t stand the sight of cheese, asparagus and sausage it’s not gonna work either. I can obviously put less chili in your portion. 

I tend to talk fast and I find it hard to stop it even if I try, if that bothers you look elsewhere

I cannot stand forced optimism OR over-the top misanthropy or snobbishness. I will gush about things, but I like my dark edgy content and I stand by it. It is an advantage if you like talking about art. If you don’t like morbid humor that might be a problem

No diet talk

No perfectionism

No passive aggressive ppl or ppl that are uncomfortable with direct confrontation. That won’t work, we’d just set each other off even without meaning to and it would just be sad. If Im doing something wrong don’t expect me to notice by magic, tell me to my face so I can fix it. Don’t be hostile out of nowhere and don’t beat around the bush. 

im not religious or spiritual. I don’t mind if you are but if you want to have kids and bring them up strongly-immersed in some Abrahamic faith im not sure if this is the right adress

No anti-intellectualism (no snobbery, elitism or smartassery either - as a wise pig once said, “Knowledge is a horizon to strive for, not a prize to hold in your hand” It begins with realizing what you don’t know)

Indifferent about monogamy, but I wouldn’t say that I’m the sort of person who needs non-monogamy either.  If you want to we can do it (write me out some list of where you draw the lines so there’s no misunderstandings) but if you don’t it’s no biggie. I don’t care if you fuck 10 other people - for me, respect, honor and loyalty are to do with other things, like, don’t make fun of me and don’t expect me to change because one (1) person said I’m weird or whatever.

Don’t give me diseases tho. I’ll take precautions to extend the same courtesy to you.  

Potential character flaws: I can be a tad sensitive, disorganized and defensive sometimes, not gonna sugarcoat it. I have no filter and curse like a sailor. Also I have zero social skills and sometimes I come across as either angry or unemotional when its really the opposite. I find that just as confusing and contradictory as that sounds, I have like zero sense of how I come off. I try to be aware of all of these and do right to everyone to the best of my ability but if you’re sensitive about any of these point someone else might be a better fit 

2 kids max. I’m not sure I’ll have ANY at this point, and most certainly not in the next 5 years. IF we decide to have some later I volunteer to carry them though, I probably have good genes, my mom popped out 4 babies in 6 years with nary a complication. Besides I’d rather it was me dealing with the gross pregnancy stuff than someone I love

My favorite bedroom stuff is fingers-in-front-cavity and butt stuff. Mild sleepsex fetish but nothing super pronounced. What I don’t like or just am not very good at is top/bottom play. 

So far most my partners have had somewhat stronger sex drive than me but Id argue that I very much have one and ive never refused unless I was in physical pain, severely sleep-deprived or working on some important work-related thing that was due the next day. 

It’s important - and science backs me up on this - that you can freely talk to each other in n open, natural and relaxed manner

If you think im weird just do us both the favor and stay away don’t come at me with the attitude that you’re gonna mold me to your desires - even just writing this comes off kinda touchy but im saying this because some people out there really don’t get it. Like my natural tendency is to be open, courious and realistic,  but some people see that as free real estate and then it falls to me to be the reasonable one and End The Madness and im tired of that.

Like I want to be able to give love and pour out all my inner romantic shit without having to be afraid of being fucked over I want to be able to trust you with my inner harley quinn as well as my inner phantom of the opera 

UGH that sounded a bit tryhard didn’t it? But its the best description i could come up with

Must remember to translate this into mordor speak later

[minimickzy]

Yeah, Cool || Richie Tozier

Request: Hi can I get a Richie imagine? Kinda based of the song My Kind of Woman by Mac demarco. Where he’s so surprised that no matter what you’ve always stuck by him. No matter how many jokes he masked about you, offensive or perverted, you always know he’s joking. And he’s just in awe cause of how strong you are and YOU choose HIM to stick with through everything. He just utterly adores you and he doesn’t realize you adore him to until he realizes how long you’ve stuck by him. Thanks! Love your blog💛

 +Hi okay so could you do a Richie x Reader where He likes the reader but the losers say that she's to innocent and completely opposite of him but goes for it anyway and him and the reader end up having a happily ever after?

Characters: Reader x Richie Tozier, the losers club 

Word count: 2924

Warning: swearing, mentioned underage drinking, kissing (ew!)

a/n: This is a weird style that I tend to write in, I don't know if y’all are gonna like it so please let me know. this is also extremely long. please let me know what you think! also let me know if you want to be added to any tag lists!

Oh baby, oh man

You're making my crazy, really driving me mad

Summer 1988

From the second Richie saw you he knew you were meant to be. Richie wasn’t one to be sappy but when it came to you his heart melted in his chest and his head spun around with thoughts of you.

You moved to Derry in the summer before junior year. Your mom picked everything up and brought the family to this small shitty town. There was nearly nothing to do here. You’d go on walks looking for something, anything to preoccupy yourself with, but your searches went on and on.

You didn't notice the group of kids that would follow you around every day. The losers club was intrigued by you. They never saw you talk to anyone, you’d just walk around and look at the world around you. They all had the filling that you were one of them. Every few days you’d go to the park and sit against the sand pipe and read a book.

There was a boy who always seemed to be hanging around with binoculars and a little book. He seemed to be birdwatching but you never thought of a boy his age being into such a adult thing.

One day, after a rainy night you decided to sit on the bench instead of the mushy ground. It was a quiet day, near the end of august, a gentle breeze blew your hair against your cheeks as you engulfed your mind in your book.   

You nearly jumped out of your skin when someone sat down at the other side of the bench. “Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” You saw the bird boy looking at you with a apologetic but slightly annoyed look, after all you were in his spot. “Oh, It's no trouble, sorry for taking your spot, the ground was just… dirty.”

“It's fine.” He turned away from you and to the bird fountain. You went back to reading your book but couldn't help but feel the awkward tension rising in the silence. “I’m (y/n), I just moved here a month ago or something.” You put your hand out for him, He turned back you and gave your hand a tense shake, “I’m Stan. I’ve seen you around alot.” 

“yeah, I’ve just been looking for something to do.” He nodded, “Well, maybe you could come to the Barrens later, its where me and my friends hang out.” You smiled, “yeah, that sounds cool. You're the first person I’ve talked to here.” he laughed, “that's Derry for you. Do you have a bike?” You shook your head. “I guess I can give you a ride on my handlebars.” He started to get up, you stayed sitting not really sure if you should follow until he turned around a few yards away and looked at you expectantly, “coming?” “Oh, yeah! Sorry.” You stood up and rushed to join him.

That's alright with me, it's really no fuss

As long as you're next to me, just the two of us

Spring 1989

Richie had fucked up and he knew that. His trashmouth had gotten both the losers pissed at him and his parents to kick him out. It wasn't on purpose. He didn't tell anyone but he had a run in with Bowers on the way to school. He was to embarrassed to say anything and His blood with boiling from how weak he felt after what had happened. He wasn't sure if the losers had told you what happened, or what you would think of him if they did. Spring was here and Junior year was coming to a end.

He didn't bother to come up with a story to tell, he just walked up to your door and knocked, your parents car wasn't there but the lights were on so he knew you must be home. When you opened the door your eyes widened with shock at the sight in front of you. “Richie..” He looked so broken. His eyes were red and puffy, magnified by his coke bottle glasses. The goofy grin that was nearly always plastered on his face was gone and his body was trembling in the cool night air.

“I really fucked up.” You nodded, “yeah, Stan told me. Listen, I don’t thin-” “They kicked me out.” “what?” “My par-parents, they kicked me out.” He sniffed and you thought your heart may as well have just fallen on the ground in front of him. “Why?” “I said something and my dad, he just-” Richie couldn’t get the rest out, instead breaking down on your poach, his head held in his hands as the tears slipped from his eyes and splashed onto his glasses. You didn't waste any time to hug him. He was shaking. You held him as tight as you could, you whispered soft words into his ear and let him nuzzle his curly hair into you neck.

You're my, my, my, my kind of woman

My, oh my, what a girl

Summer 1989 

It took the loud honk of a horn to knock Richie out of his tance. You laughed as he swore under his breath and pressed his foot down on the gas pedal sending the car forward. Richie had been staring at you, taking the chance as you were looking out the window of his beat up car on the way to pick up Eddie and then meet up with the rest of the losers. A year later and you still didn't have a bike. He didn't know the reason was because then he’d have to give you ride.

Richie and Mike were the only ones with cars, you lived down the street from him and Eddie lived 5 minutes from there and then everyone else lived on the other side of town by Mike who would pick them up in the back of his old pickup he got from his dad.

When Richie pulled up to Eddie’s sidewalk the boy who wasn't much bigger than when you had first met him came beelining out of the front door. He hopped in the back and took a puff of his inhaler, sure enough his mom came out right after and started to yell something but Richie pulled away before you could hear any of it. “What was up her ass Ed’s?” Richie asked, Eddie groaned in return, “She said I had a cold or something because I sneezed, and how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that.”

You laughed lightly and placed your hand on Richies on top the stick shift. His stomach did flips and his brain went just a little fuzzy. You didn't take it away until he parked outside of the movie house where everyone was waiting. Eddie jumped out and then you but Richie didn't move a muscle. “Richie?” you asked leaning down so you could see him, “You coming?” “mhm, I just- need a second.” “are you okay?” “yeah, I'll be right in.” “cool.” “yeah, cool.”

You're my, my, my, my kind of woman

Summer 1988

Stan pulled up to the barrens and let you hope off of his handlebars, there was only another boy and girl there already, sitting on to rocks with there hands interlocked. “Thats Bill and Beverly” he pointed before they saw you. You nodded and your nerves started to get the best of you. What if the only people you talked to in Derry didn't even like you? Stan started walking towards them and they both smiled and waved to him. The girl, Beverly, was the first to notice you, taking a double take and then elbowing Bill who stood up immediately.   

“This is (y/n), I said it was cool if she'd hang with us.” San introduced you as you gave a little nod. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you.” Bill smiled and stuck a hand out to shake, “you t-too.” You smiled back and shook his hand.

Bill and Beverly told you about the losers club and how they’d been seeing you around town. “We Thou-thought you m-m-meant be one of u-us.” Bill said and you laughed, “A loser?” Beverly shrugged, “It's not too bad.” You nodded, “so who else is in it?” Bills face brightened up again as he started to tell you about each member in the group, “Well the-there's Mike who...

And I'm down on my hands and knees

Begging you please, baby, show me your world

Fall 1988

“What a babe.” Richie fawned over you as you walked away. The rest of the losers laughed or sighed at the pathic doe eyes Richie wore whenever he looked at you.

You were the innocent of the group, Richie was not. Every sentence that he said included swears but one had hardly ever touched your lips. He wore black and punk band tees and you wore pastels and sweaters. He used to call you Betty Cooper when you first started hanging out with the losers as a joke and you’d always call him Jughead in return. You always chuckled at his jokes even if you didn’t get it which was most of the time. It was just the giddiness and rush you got whenever you were around him that really got the laughs going.

“Richie, she’s so out of your league.” Eddie deadpanned patting Him on the back. “And whys that?” Richie asked in a pissy tone. “B-b-because she’s innocent R-Richie, and your N-not.” Bill said, “Yeah, and she's smart and attractive. Two more things you lack.” Stan smirked. Richie huffed and stood up from the rock he had been sitting on. “That's bullshit.” They all looked at him with scartic looks. “I can tone it down.” “yeah right.” Eddie laughed, Richie furrowed his eyebrows and started to walk away.

“I’ll show you fuckers!” He started his way to you house jogging in order to catch up to you, “Hey (y/n)! Wait up!” he yelled down the street causing you to turn towards him. You shot him a sweet smile, “What’s up Richie?” He stopped to catch his breath and rubbed his hands off on his hawaii shirt. “I-I just wanted to ask you something.”  You cocked an eyebrow, “and you couldn't use a phone?”

He shrugged and played with the dirt on the ground with his foot, “What do you think of me?” He was no longer making eye contact with you which you were silently thankful for, “what?” His question had blindsided you. “Like, What do you think of my jokes and how I act or whatever.” “Oh, I think your great- I mean I really like your jokes and you glasses and your hair and and how you sometimes smile with only one side of your mouth and- Your really cool Rich.” You just needed to get yourself to shut up. “So you don’t mind my dirty jokes or swearing?” “No? Why?”

“I just thought they meant be much for you.” You laughed, “You could never be too much for me Tozier” He smiled brightly, “Cool.” “Yeah, cool.”

Oh brother, sweetheart

I'm feeling so tired really falling apart

And it just don't make sense to me

Spring 1989

You told Richie he could stay at your house as long as your parents didn't catch him. You gave him some food and he told you about Bowers, He told you about everything, His cheeks were a dark shade of red, you were the last person he wanted to know. But you understood, you didn't tell him but as soon as he fell asleep you called and told Bev everything and then she told everyone else, they all understood just as you had and Bill was going to talk to Richie at school.

Since the day you met Richie you felt connected with him. You hadn't thought twice about holding him as he cried or playing with his hair when he talked. You weren't going to deny you held a liking towards Richie, There was no question as to if you were head over heels for the boy.

You thought he was too but neither of you ever dared make a move. You told your parents you were sick in the morning and bought yourself a few more hours alone with Richie before you’d both go in for the later half of your classes. You gave him breakfast as soon as your parents left.

He didn't say much. He couldn't believe he had told you everything, the stuff that he even hid from the rest of the losers. As he ate you watched him from across the table eating your own breakfast. You found his leg with your foot under the table. “Richie?” He looked up to you, “yeah?” “Why’d you come to me? Why not Eddie or Stan? Why me?”

His eyes got a little wider and his cheeks burned a soft pink, “I- I guess, I trust you.” You smiled, “Really?” You started to take a sip from your water “yeah. I really do. Your so nice and I really love you.” You choked on your water and some of it sprayed out of your mouth, onto the table as you coughed. “I’m sorry- I just-” Richie said rushing to apologize as soon as he realized what his big mouth had said. “No, Richie- I love you- too- Don't be- sorry-” you said between coughs.

He smiled. “Cool.” You smirked “yeah, cool.”

I really don't know

Why you stick right next to me or wherever I go

Summer 1990 

“Richie this is ridiculous!” you yelled, he jumped back at your outburst. Richie and you had been a thing forever and respected it as dating behind closed doors. You wanted it to be official, you wanted to know you weren't going to lose him. Richie wanted the same thing, but as long as he had you he didn’t want to do anything to fuck that up. But you were fed up so when he met you at the barrens, just the two of you, you jumped right into it.

“What?” you groaned, “you have to let me know what we are, where is this going? I need to know Richie, I have to go to college and you, you have to go somewhere!” He frowned, “I’m going wherever you go.” “what?” he shrugged, “There's nowhere else I want to go.” You looked at him with  melow shock. You thought he just didn't want to commit, you didn't know in his head he already had.

“Oh. So we’re dating?” “That's what I thought, If you don't want me to-” “No! I mean no, that's what I want, If it's what you want!” the tension was high, “What if I want something more!” The two of you yelling a bit softer each time, “Then let's make it something more!” he stepped closer to you, “We’re 18!” you stepped closer to him, “yes!” He took your hands in his, “We could be engaged!” you nodded your head, “yes!” he gave you his goofy grin, “Is that a yes to 18 year olds can be engaged or me asking you to fucking marry me?” “both.” He kissed you sweetly “fuck” You kissed him, “shit.” “that's what I want.” “then that's what you get.” “Cool.” “yeah, cool.”

You're my, my, my, my kind of woman

My, oh my, what a girl

You're my, my, my, my kind of woman

Fall 1989 

The first the two of you kissed was at a party where you both had been a little tipsy. The only reason it didn't go further was Beverly busting in and freaking out. She didn't tell anyone, and neither did you or Richie.

But Richie couldn’t live with just a taste of the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and who he’d been drooling over for more than a year. He tried desperately to get you to kiss him again, but the time was never right. One day Richie Tozier had enough, He was driving you home from a meetup with the losers, the windows were open and the radio blasting. Everyone had went out to Castle Rock for a carnival but the rest of the losers decided to stay after you and Rich left.

You laughed at something he said and when that sweet sound touched his ears he quickly turned off the road and onto the shoulder. “Richie? Whats up?” “I need to kiss you.” he said it so calmly it almost frightened you. “What?” “I’ve liked you since the day you moved here and at the party it was like a dream and I need to kiss you.”

You shrugged, “Okay.” “really?” “yes.” “oh my fuck, I didn't actu- fuck. Okay.” “are you going to or…” He nodded and turned quickly, capturing your lips with his. You couldn't help but smile as you pulled away. He smiled and turned back onto the road. “cool.” You laughed, “yeah, cool.”

And I'm down on my hands and knees

Begging you please, baby, show me your world

Summer 1987

“...Yeah, he g-go-goes on about b-b-being sick but hes st-still cool, and then th-theres R-Richie-” “Thats my name don't wear it out Big Bill.” you heard someone laugh from behind you. You turned to see two boys, one with Red shorts who was smaller and then a tall boy with wild curly black hair, thick glasses and a devilish grin. “He’s Well, Ri-Richie.” Bill shrugged as the boys joined the small circle.

“Whos the babe?” Riche laughed and you chuckled slightly, “I’m (y/n), I’m new around here.” He smirked, “cool.” “Yeah, cool.”

tag list 

@thekidsofneibolt

@mcheung0314

[explodingdisgust-blog]

The Muran Hordes I

Following on from: https://plus.google.com/114999809330885155321/posts/cXHoqpEPMYy (archive[dot]fo[slash]PN6WJ)

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things.

Sorry, did you forget something? Your old 'this is the internet' excuse? As I've said before, I don't give a fuck about where it happens. And since you bill yourself as being so 'controversial' and partisan in the particular way that any reactionary does, you are a fucking weakling by your own standards. Don't tell me that I don't know about the pride that contrarian reactionaries have when invading new spaces of discussion and spaces of thought: it's happened to liberal talking points (even in academic circles: is Peter Singer not an example of someone who is dangerously close to biological reductionism, the kernel of racism?); it's happened to 4chan (/pol/ was filled with Swarmfront shills); it's happened to YouTube with the rise of the 'skeptics' who have accelerated rightwards. So okay, LET'S FUCKING SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. I’ll turn up in both places just so you don’t run away from what I’m saying.

Remember, though: you don't go to see reality; it comes out of nowhere and gives you a punch in the face - so don't cry about how you've got a nosebleed in this metaphorical sense. It is just like how I had completely forgotten that you were on G+. But here I am, dealing with you anyway.

People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen.

All you're telling me is that people don't want my walls but that says NOTHING about what they contain. Who's the fucking contrarian now, Marsha? Huh? Who's on the side of what you - and if you're right about them, all the others - want to repress? Again, so much for being so radical.

I know that this is not a dedicated thread in any sense besides the fact that I have set many of the topics but I don't care because I am here, right now, discussing this. If you really want discussion, you'll do it here with me right now. I can fuck off to Tumblr, yes, but you should know EXACTLY why I continue on G+.

You want to go into my pathologies? Fine, I'm one step ahead of you. I also do this right here because people are obviously going to see how ridiculous I seem. I mean, what the fuck? I'm posting small essays in several comment threads underneath posts which are associated with some pubescent lolcow's pathetic attempts at being funny, edgy and critical. Of course I'm going to seem like I'm a mug. THAT IS THE POINT. But you can't get rid of people like me and what I'm saying: I know that it will haunt all of you. I want you to go further and fill in what I haven't. You don't like my calls to discuss because you want 'fun' in your online bubble, but the very reasoning behind why something is 'fun' isn't a settled matter and I will confront you on that.

After all, even if I balloon into a major lolcow (if I'm not already one!), I know what might happen. Some of the users refer to some lolcows as 'cultcows' because they gain a cult-like following from their particular stalkers and trolls. You know being a cultcow can be turned to one's advantage with some major sacrifices, right? Like how Chris-Chan retains their fame? I have the pathology of a sort of 'sacrificial catalyst'; that is why I stay here. Not quite a martyr (so you won't see me getting the equivalent of '72 virgins' any time soon; I have much better things to do than submit to a disgusting cult and waste everything that I have), but far more willing to do something for what I believe in than cowardly little you. I have so many kinks to work out and numerous torturous self-imposed programmes to go through. I don't want any of your fucking guilt, but I can turn your own pathologies against you and watch you cry as I exceed your ability by your own standards. So go on, fucking outdo me. Have a great time. Make it a special occasion. ‘Controversial’ my arse.

So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

You think I don’t know how this works? You’ll set your sex-obsessed friends on me and when you have no arguments left, you’ll spam the fuck out of me and then introduce me to all sorts of horrible people who’ll do their best to shut me down. I don’t even care any more to some extent. Prove me wrong, I dare you.

But of course, now that I’m here, you’re gonna have to actually tackle my earlier points. You don’t get to run away from those, either. And if you do get your friends involved, neither do they get to run.

Earlier posts from the G+ thread (first post first):

@marshax-marshmallow​ :

im glad you're finally standing for what you believe in, birdo everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth, if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine. also, if you have a rape fetish that's okay too, because as long as everything is in your head, you're not harming anyone. rape is a fetish because it's taboo, and if you think all rape fetishists think rape is okay in real life you are so terribly wrong. i cant express how proud i am of you

@explodingdisgust​ :

WELL, WELL, WELL. If it's not the contrarian little shit that I've been monitoring for the last few weeks. I've seen what you do and I've archived your precious Tumblr; do you think you can get away from your bullshit? Not when I'm around. "everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth" Their sensitivities and lack of appreciation for the critical part of your contrarianism is not an excuse for the rest of your contrarianism to be upheld. You have made a serious position out of the 'opposite' of common Western-liberal-enlightenment values of 'decency'. I've seen your at-least-ironic racism in the first few pages of your Tumblr and I wonder whether you've changed at all. Of course, I remain quite pessimistic about that considering your 'innocent' and nonchalant response to RibChills telling you to stop sexualising her fursona. These fuckers throw the baby out with the disgusting bathwater whereas you cling onto both. I'll get to your excuses soon enough; don't think that I won't utterly demolish your entire worldview. "if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine." Right, because respect is reducible to maintaining standards of decency while maintaining fetishes and horrific pathologies in one's own private space? And where did such ideas for such thoughts, pathologies and fetishes come from? You will tell me that it is 'human nature', that it is innate, but no biological structure (including the brain) can account for the limitless quantities and qualities of thoughts that we could possibly have. In fact, if you were to say that you were actually and inevitably controlled by brain chemicals or anything else that isn't you as a rational individual, then this idea of what you've said would be owed to such chemicals - but there is no proof that the brain structures or anything else that isn't at the level of reason itself can account for it and has simply been left hiding for all these thousands of years that human thought has been changing for.   ANY FETISH IS ABOUT REASON ALONE, and the particular manifestation of this one is contrarianism - a love of what one is denied by those who follow and construct the most dominant values in societies. But because reason is intersubjective and comes from other subjects - after all, no ideas are innate, they are all communicated otherwise right now we would be able to understand the greats of philosophy in our toddler years - it cannot be something that's simply private. It can get into the 'private' domain and it can run out - ideology is reproduced memetically by us as rational subjects. Everything becomes framed in terms of rape or whatever fetishes become dominant. Rape becomes accepted and eventually it seems inevitable (just like capitalism) to the extent that it would be easier to imagine the end of the world than the end of that social phenomenon. But if people 'accept' the conditions of hypersexuality which come with the rape fetish, this is not necessarily a free choice because they are in the chains of what is socially-expected of them. Even though we are not conclusively-determined by our biology or by the laws of atomic physics, we ARE determined by movements in the social field which we too determine. The social field is inescapable and all-encompassing for rational beings (in our time, humans)! I advise you to read the works of Lacan and other psychoanalysts in matters like these. ALL of your empirical evidence about 'rape fetishists being decent people' or whatever's relevant that you want to prove only impresses those who uncritically accept the bourgeois-liberal idea of the split between the public and 'private' domains. Again, as I have shown, there is no such split. This is known to Marxists, who understand that we are not reducible to 'individuals and families' as Margaret Thatcher was an idiot to suggest. At the very least, a particular fetish is the dark reflection of the society in which one is brought up - and we are indeed brought up in a society where postmodern contrarians - neo-reactionaries and fascists of all stripes, 'progressive' or not - are in a frenzy of rebellion against ageing and self-destructive liberal values. Their solution is your solution: the uncritical acceptance of the simple negative of the old values. 'Sex is only a bit of fun, like you say, but we should embrace that instead of being all serious like you say!' And so it is with outright racism, sexism, all sorts of other things. You and the other cunts are the flies who buzz in the face of the old liberals - you are at war with yourselves over which of your identities can win out (e.g. Tumblr 'SJWs' and 'neo-Nazis' from 8chan would have serious disagreements over which groups' identities matter the most but they agree with the basic premises of a general segregationism; they feel that people are intrinsically hard-wired to behave in certain ways, for example). The paradox is that this is a very serious position for you. Yes, contrarianism is a conversion of an initial critical reaction to a  given set standards into another standard position which is the simple negative of the old one. You put all your weight behind supporting 'what exists and should not exist' instead of changing the field entirely and being too contrarian for your own contrarianism. Liberals cede political ground to such identity politics because they are forced to defend free speech and uphold the domain of the 'private', which is part of the excuse that the new reactionaries use against them. But you are not reading the words of a liberal here, Marsha. I AM A PROUD AND PARTISAN MARXIST and I am not afraid to hold you or anyone else responsible for what you say as a rational subject. I seek to qualitatively-change standards, taking the best from everything in a similar way to Lacan's borrowing from other philosophers. I know that 'standing on the shoulders of giants' is what we need to do rather than 'forget everything and go full reverse gear'. This is infinitely more horrifying for you than the old conservative 'get it out of my face' mentality: I HAVE FOUND REASON TO BE BORED OF CONTRARIAN FETISHES, EVEN THE CRITICAL DIMENSION THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE. The upshot is that you are throwing VERY DANGEROUS IDEAS into childrens' minds, stripping the ideas of all critical content that they might have while branding whatever remains as hip, contrarian and critical. You want people to accept what they are trying to repress and embrace it as if it won't do anything. Sorry, Marsha. IT FUCKING WELL WILL, and you know it. Go and fuck right off from this place or be ready for another wall of text. You're not going to get away without someone shattering your excuses one-by-one. I guess it's just the internet, huh?

@marshax-marshmallow :

can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are, not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade. No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this. Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point. And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is *Birdie's Google+* Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you. But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse

@marshax-marshmallow :

+RainbowDashie Artist Wikipedia doesn't bring up unrelated issues and neither does it use long and eloquent speech redundantly

@explodingdisgust :

So because people have NO FUCKING CLUE as to how to use dictionaries, literature and videos, I'm going to have to fucking explain everything all over again. Fucking shoot me, I do not like doing this but I consider myself ethically-bound to do so not only because I am a Marxist but because I have to try to give a bunch of kids a critical leg-up, as it were. But I will remain here to remind you that your arguments ARE DEAD and there are no two ways about it. "can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said" Right, because you can't even use one of those dictionaries that's been written by liberals let alone confront the vast tomes of thought that I am currently studying. And of course, you can't even be bothered to tell me what it is about my post that you don't understand - your only hint is that you're unfamiliar with the terminology. To everyone who isn't mentally-handicapped or a bourgeois ideologue - this is precisely the laziness of the neo-fascists! If you're serious about your position, why the fuck aren't you gonna make a much harder and more detailed defence of it? "because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are," You'll be shocked to hear this but I am indeed "calling things for what they are". I am doing my best to step away from much of the horrific psychoanalytic and political terminology in my explanations of such terminology when I do include them in my work so that I'm not appearing to tailspin in the dense bodies of thought which I have confronted over the years. For example, do you not know what I mean when I make the distinction between the 'public and private domains' given the ubiquity of this sort of liberal concept? It should be very clear that the 'private domain' is simply the social world of humans (or more generally, of rational beings - a category whose only known members are humans) at the level of individuals. Come on, did you understand my use of the Margaret Thatcher quote - her erroneous judgement that society is simply 'individuals and families'? Is that 'Big Boy' enough for you, huh? What about the 'simple negation' of Western-liberal-Enlightenment values - or more simply put, of 'conservative' values? I mean 'simple negation' here in a sense that anyone who's understood Hegel, Marx and Engels in even the slightest fashion can understand it: it is simply a particular 'not' of the prevailing values around a preconceived axis - that instead of rape fetishism being a taboo, 'it's fine and doesn't even harm anyone'; that instead of ironic racism being unspeakable, 'it's nothing like that; it's absolutely fine and it's just a joke'; that instead of repressing and trying to minimise sexuality and confining it to the private space of desire, 'it's completely fine to be hypersexual and it's fucking fun too'. It is not a complete change of values, taking the best from both the proposed worldviews and discarding parts of them where they are 'both worse' and constitute a 'double blackmail'. Your particular 'simple negation' accepts much of liberal philosophy and comes to reactionary, fascistic conclusions: the hypersexual and supposedly-hedonistic libertinism (look that up) of the private domain is to be brought into public view and then celebrated as something inevitable and fun, even among children. To go a bit Zizekian: the opponents that you recognise, the conservative defenders of 'decency', have taken the blue pill because for them 'none of this overtly-sexual rubbish should happen' and it represents the degeneration of Western values; you have taken the red pill, seeing 'reality' for what it is and celebrating it. The bluepilled and redpilled consider themselves to be opposites of one another. Marxists, meanwhile, do not recognise even many liberal conclusions which both the blue and red pills depend on: we construct and take a third pill even if it's just from bits and pieces of the red pill and the blue pill - it's something more than simply the two combined. For Marxists, the private-public distinction is very weak because the very stuff of reason that 'private individuals use' is shared between people - after all, how was much of it given to them? Were they born with it? If so, where is your empirical evidence about this and how does it prove that it can be owed to something that they were born with? If I'm wrong here, toddlers would say that they understand neurobiology or quantum physics without any intervention from us! Show me a study which says that they can do that. My claim otherwise is contrapositive (in a formal-logical sense and not a dialectical one); it is based on the lack of evidence for the opposite claim. See how far I'm willing to go to drive my points home to someone who essentially claims is that I am like an arrogant priest who is speaking to the hopeless and stupid laity? Frankly, if you don't understand my points, it is because you don't fucking want to understand them and you are consciously going out of your way to not investigate. You are also involved in this excuse of a discussion whether you like it or not. 

"not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade." Fucking hell. You are serious when you say this? We are in dark times. MOTHERFUCKER, ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING IF THEY CONFRONT THE WORKS THAT I HAVE DRAGGED MYSELF THROUGH; I AM NO FUCKING PRIEST. I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO SOME SACRED TEXT THAT ONLY I HAVE THE SPECIAL ABILITIES TO DECIPHER. Because I have done what I can think of to explain myself, the onus is on you and the other boring contrarian ARSEHOLES to get the fuck over to the literature of the traditions that I identify with and use in order to understand 'the other half' of what I'm saying. If I knew that you would never be able to approximate what I'm saying, why would I bother to explain myself instead of condescendingly passing by and sneering at you for subscribing to an 'inferior' worldview? In fact, why would I even be here at all? And no, before you fucking pipe up about how I want to 'indoctrinate children' and throw other stupid accusations in front of me, I do not want you or anyone else to take what I'm saying as scripture. I want you to critique and extend what I'm saying; I want to construct a dialectic here. I am willing to spend hours of time flooding you with oceans of text not because I wish to wave my pride before you but because I want to discuss things and explain what I'm saying. I want people - including children - to be empowered using philosophy, science and all the other kinds of knowledge and standards of reason. "No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this." WRONG. The traditions of Marx and Lacan do concern themselves with matters such as sexuality, ideology, 'free thought', small-scale politics and all of that. If sexuality, for example, was not a concern of Marxism, then there would be little or no discussion of it among Marxists. So why would Engels, not only a Marxist but one of the founders of Marxism, write THIS? marxists.org - Origins of the Family. Chapter 2 (IV) And why would Freud, a psychoanalyst who had much to say about sexuality, have his work incorporated into political theory many times over by the Frankfurt school of Marxism if Marxist politics have nothing to do with sex? And in Lacan's case, what about his 'equations of sexuality'? Go on, go to Google, Bing, DDG or whatever search engine you want and type in 'lacan equations of sexuality'. Even besides that, you are telling me that none of what I'm saying matters, but what I am discussing entirely relates to how best it is to consider sexuality. It is not separate from politics at all - the sexual IS political, it IS a performance, it's not simply a matter of 'up-and-down movements'. Why would we question why we fuck at all? Why would we even do it in the first place if it's just a load of movements? You can try to argue that it's a matter of biology, but one can ask: 'why should we humans reproduce? Why should society be about biological reproduction?' So no, SEX IS NOT OUTSIDE POLITICS, and it is thus the concern of Marxist politics and of political philosophy in general. In fact, the great irony about your sentence here is that it is a political statement even as far as discussing sexuality is concerned. I mean, seriously? Are your understandings of philosophy and politics THAT bad? Then again, I know that you are nothing short of a troll if your insistence on repeating your boring humour (e.g. ironic racism) and your recent Discord 'raids' are anything to go by - so you have a vested interest in not sitting down, shutting the fuck up and understanding my words. Never mind that the greatest troll is to seriously engage with my arguments and leave me with the much bigger task of having to find more material. Of course, what are you actually trying to say here? You are no 'free-thinker'. Instead, you are another boring contrarian who viciously upholds the seemingly-permissive, seemingly-inclusive 'simple negative' of prevailing ideas of decency! That is as far as you will go in being critical of the current state of the world. 'Accept your sins!' you scream. 'They are inevitable and natural! Why do anything to stop them? It's the internet, for fuck's sake!' Meanwhile, here is a Marxist asking for something much more radical - and it is going to horrify you to no end. MAKE SEX BORING AGAIN. I am no enemy of the freedom-chasing power of contrarianism; I encourage its use. But contrarianism is not free enough; it is still in the chains of thinking that it's the only possible opposition to the current ruling order. So in a way, it is not me that's holier-than-thou, IT IS YOUR CONTRARIANISM ITSELF, because it fails to unlock a new critical dimension and sneers before any attempts to go further than its own particular opposition to the status quo. But it also concerns Marxism in another way because it concerns (Marxian) Communism, the unique proletarian movement which seeks the end of class divisions and the end of capitalism. You want us to accept the logic of the private space, the fantasies of domination and mindless experimentation. Do you know what this is, Marsha? IT IS THE LOGIC OF THE BOURGEOIS CLASS. Nothing is off limits for the rulers of the world besides Communism. If they want to fuck a child, for example, they can bloody well go ahead and do it without being questioned. This is outrageous! We are allowing these people to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of the very real consequences including the social blackmails and lack of real choices that people are faced with despite legally being able to do many more things? Yes, Marsha, if something is recognised as being 'legal' by a government, it does not make it right. And even if a choice is 'guaranteed' by a given legal system, it is not necessarily put in place. If people are allowed to have rocket launchers and while one person can buy a rocket launcher and another who is otherwise the same as the first person can only afford a slingshot, who is more likely to destroy the other in a fight with their weapons? The politics of freedom is the politics of tearing apart the divison of the 'private' and public domains so that we no longer fuck around and do things without criticism. But in fact, this also frees the once-bourgeois in a sense because they can move on to do better and more effective things as dictated by reason, which does not represent the will of a particular person but all people including themselves. The bourgeois defence of what they believe to be this closed-off private space is nothing more than a defence of stupidity which is supposed to be 'kept away from the masses' but never truly is.

"Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point."

Sorry, Marsha. In trying to explain my points to you, I AM OBLIGED TO TYPE OUT THESE GIANT RESPONSES in case you misunderstand what I'm claiming if you

do

decide to engage with the arguments that I bring against you. There is so much to go through that you are going to have to sit down - perhaps for years - and read the works of those who are in the same traditions as I am. Worse still, you will have to read the works of others outside such traditions to compare and critique the various ideas which they discuss. Nothing is truly simple in the world whether you like it or not. Unfortunately, we live in times of clickbait, woefully-short attention spans and a lack of self-discipline (this is true even of myself!). You are going to confront your laziness even if you want to argue your own case in an effective way.

"And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is

Birdie's Google+

"

And what the fuck do you think I've been trying to do? Again, why would I even bother turning up? Get this: I know that I don't seem credible in the eyes of the hundreds of children who read her posts and I don't necessarily give a fuck - so if you accuse me of doing this to wave my fucking pride in front of you, you're dead wrong.

You can try to give me an Encyclopedia Dramatica - style diagnosis about 'the

real

reasons why I'm here' but anyone can say what I'm saying regardless of their psychology. I could've come here with a great big beaming smile on my face. I could adopt the same contrarian snark that you have. That you are confronted with an angry, grave and seemingly-parental scumbag is

irrelevant

because it subtracts nothing from the vast majority of what I'm saying. Motherfucker, do you know what an 'ad-hominem' fallacy is? Attacking a person rather than an argument which anyone can make does not attack that argument. If I said 'you're Brazillian and you come from a degenerate nation, your opinion doesn't matter', I would be making a stupid claim because I wouldn't have actually said why what you're saying is wrong - at most, I would've said something about the real social forces which led you to adopt this reasoning. So don't come to me with any ad-hominems of your own without engaging with my points themselves because it's not going to fucking work - even for your pride, especially now that you've tried to position yourself as a defender of freedom with all the dignity that comes with it.

"Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you."

First, I do not have access to a Tumblr page or account and I do not want to create one. Second, why NOT discuss shit here? Come on, what gets added to my arguments if I bugger off to Tumblr? Besides that, I am here because I would like to make a great big example out of you. You are 'sinfulmarsh', are you not? A crusader for 'free thought' and open 'acceptance' of (hyper-)sexuality, yes? Lover of all that's taboo, uncomfortable and other shit like that?

Well, fuck you. I am proud to turn up on some 'random' corner of the internet (which, in reality, is NOT 'random' at all but one that I've consciously-selected) and fire walls of text in your direction. If you don't like that, remember that 'it's the internet' and anything can happen; *

BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS OF REASONING

**, YOU SHOULDN'T BE MOANING SO MUCH. So much for being a contrarian, eh, Marsha? Where's your fucking 'free thought'?*

"But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse"

Your accusation is laced with with irony considering how your anti-intellectualism is itself an arrogant denial of my words having any worth whatsoever. You don't even bother to ask me any questions relating to the arguments themselves; do you think I won't spot that? FUCK YOU, Marsha. I am at least one step ahead of you because I know what it's like to be a contrarian; I've passed through this phase and I've become even 'worse' since. I know the tricks and the blind spot of your contrarianism; at its most general, it is the same as my own, and I am quite far beyond it as someone who seeks that 'third pill'. In fact, I am far more contrarian precisely because I seek to change values and standards. I have learned to weaponise my contrarianism! That is what is so unsettling for you about Marxists: we are you and more; we can emulate your modes of thought. We seek to take the best out of everything and turn it into something more.

---

@explodingdisgust​ :

Ah, look at this! Is 'eloquent' not a Big Boy word? Look at this motherfucker betray her own rhetorical standards. No shame, huh? And so the snake eats its own tail; the beginning of Marsha's dissonance is here. Meanwhile, for those of us who aren't busy trying to uphold degeneracy and soft forms of servitude:

https://www.revleft.space/vb/threads/195805-SL-cultism-exposed!!?s=d2444b96573a3897b1e106ae6f9bf772&p=2873207#post2873207

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3bBreSgaik

---

@explodingdisgust​ :

And before anyone says that I've misunderstood them, remember that you don't get to choose how your statements are interpreted unless you craft your words very carefully. If I missed something, point it out. If not, explain yourself or get lost.

---

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things. People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen. So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

[sidncymiller]

ayyyyyy friends it’s ya boi back at it again with another caustic, indifferent fuck ( ive got a type sue me ) but this ones like... a little less (ง'̀-'́)ง  and a little more  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ya feel ??  anyway this is gonna be quick & dirty cause i dont have the bio done yet but theres some basic stats here if ur freaky like that. also she’s more into like.... people as a whole than mal is so ( as much as i love fighting everyone ) i’d love to make some connections w the charas he doesnt interact with or is a cock to !! lol ok i’ll catch y’all under the cut pce out

she’ll answer to sidney but prefers sid (or miller if you’re one of those)

demigirl, she/her pronouns and “girl” as a descriptor are fine, but for the love of god don’t call her a Woman it makes her skin crawl

pansexual but mostly a big tease who cant Seal the Deal, possibly on the ace spectrum somewhere or maybe she just watches too much porn who knows these days

as you may have inferred from her multitude of maybe-kinda-sorta labels she is a Child Of The Internet

bad case of blue and orange morality, thanks to being born and raised right here in sunny fictumterra!! she values privacy, loyalty and free will pretty high, human life and welfare pretty low, like a good fictumterran (fictumite?)

then again she does get pretty bummed out if someone new comes to town and she Digs them and then they get turned into a lamp or hot dog or whatever,,,, weak,,,,

uh she was into gymnastics as a kid and joined the cheer squad in hs just because it seemed like exactly the thing she Wouldnt do and she’s a big ‘ol contrarian

unfortunately!!! she went partially blind in her right eye when she was sixteen and her parents poisoned her and all that time spent practicing balance and spatial aawreness and shit went right out the fckn window THANKS MOM

ok backtracking a litte

her parents were members of a pro-gun, anti-government cult before she was born and got caught up in a teensy little federal building bombing and had to hightail it to FT when one of their compatriots ( fckn coward ) flipped on the group, under the advisement of their Supreme Leader

lets call him Shmavid Shmoresh

he told them to await further instructions, so they set up shop in FT and waited. since they were natural born sheeple, they acclimated to the way of life pretty quickly, and when sid was born she was brought up under the town’s value system, and now im repeating myself

ANYWAY they didn’t hear from the group until sixteen years later when Shmavid was about to be executed and announced that it was time for everyone to Ascend or whatever

so, good followers they were, they made their evening tea and laced it w rat poison and waited for the sweet chariot to swing low

unfortunately they fucked up on sid’s dosage and she survived, though, as mentioned, the poison did fuck with her cortical vision, as well as giving her an exceptionally sensitive stomach

basically she can’t eat too much or anything too rich or spicy bc her stomach linings all fucked, lots of broths and and rice and stuff, everything else comes back up, ya girl got v skinny and has mixed feelings bout that

uhhhh shes like constantly eating sugar tho, usually bubble gum, sometimes suckers or slushies. shes not supposed to but it doesnt make her puke and if she doesn’t see an immediate consequence she doesnt care ALSO she doesnt appreciate your oral fixation jokes i mean youre probably right but get some new material ok

also she still drives??? she refuses to accept that shes blind (ish, too blind to drive, ever heard of anton-babinski syndrome?) and regularly scratches or dents other peoples cars and leaves a note that says like ‘oops’ on their windshield or whatever, she loves driving you cant take it from her get fucked

her own car is a pinto thats so dinged up its basically round at this point

when her parents died there was some contention as to where she was gonna live when she got out of the hospital (not like anyone was gonna call state-run social services) so she ended up being temporarily placed in a pink flamingo room and is..... still there.....

at this point its her place she brought in her own bedding and taped pictures to the wall and installed like 40 locks on the door ok TRY to get her to leave

she works at food world to pay the (internet) bills, but her REAL job (as far as shes concerned) is running her blog ‘memoirs from murderville’ (she was a teen when she named it ok she KNOWS its dumb but she cant change it now cause fckn #branding. trust her, she hates it more than you do)

its essentially a diary that she writes under the name jim sheldon (an homage to the badass author alice sheldon, who wrote under the pseudonym james tiptree jr) about her life and daily experiences in FT with all the names and relevant details and such changed

it started as a stupid joke (and a way for her to disassociate!!! holla) when she was in high school, but then it got a shout-out on some true crime podcast, and then it was in some buzzfeed article, and shit spiraled out from there

everyone assumes its an elaborate piece of fiction and its lauded in certain communities for it’s ‘brutal authenticity’ and ‘delightfully irreverent narrator’ and ‘creative spin on unsolved crime’ and ‘disturbing satire of millennial detachment in the media age’

lol academics are so weird amirite

anyway because of her commitment to the blog she makes it a priority to get to know as many residents and visitors as she can, looking for the best content and recurring characters 

shes kind of a dick and definitely a shit head but she really, genuinely does care about people’s stories (even if she doesn’t care much about most people themselves)

is she a killer??? no. well, maybe. she could be persuaded, probably. for the experience. maybe she’d like it who knows not me

does she have a death wish??? no. well, maybe. a little bit. she certainly values a good story more than she does her own dumb mortality. if it comes down to boring or dead, she’d pick dead :)

ok this got a lot longer than i thought !!! soml !!! if you read all this stream of consciousness nonsense ur an angel thank you !!!

as far as connections and such i would LOVE unknowing subjects/recurring characters in her blog, knowing subjects of her blog who love the attention, friends??? (what a concept lol), OH someone who deeply disapproves of the blog and finds it trivializing??? dangerous??? idk whatever theres lots of reasons to hate it??? maybe they wanna take it down???, LONG TIME RESIDENTS WHOVE KNOWN HER SINCE SHE WAS A KID, maybe someone who took up a parental mantle after her parents fucked off to the great gig in the sky??, uh maybe an ex or ex-friend who was disconcerted by her constant need for action and danger and bailed OR the opposite, one who pushed her a little too far and she had to bail??

idk man the possibilities are endless hmu love yall

[drewbiedoobiedoobiedoo]

1 whats your middle name: Jasmin

2 how old are you?: 21

3 whens your birthday?: 27th March 1996

4 zodiac sign?: Aries (act more like a pisces tho)

5 favourite colour?: atm violet is my fave

6 whats your lucky number?: 7 !!

7 do you have any pets?: i have a cat and a dog

8 where are you from?: where the wild things are

9 how tall are you?: smol

10 what shoe size are you?: 7/8 depending on the kind of shoe

11 how many pairs of shoes do you own?: 5 ??

12 what was your last dream about: lmao that deserves its own special post.

13 what talents do you have?: errrr, im a good shot with a bow.

14 are you psychic in any way?: in some ways, i think i just have a really good intution.

15 favourite song?: thats impossible!!!

16 favourite movie?: Pans Labyrinth, short term 12, Nick & Norahs infinite playlist.

17 who would your ideal partner be?: someone who i never tire of, who can handle comfortable silences and knows how i like my tea. Idk.

18 do you want children?: uhhhhh idk id prolly adopt.

19 do you want a church wedding?: if the person i were to marry wished to have one i dont see why not.

20 are you religious?: i believe in past lives? I believe in the universe and i think its alive, i think it watches us. I dont really believe in things that come out of a book or something written by old men a million years ago. But i believe theres something more out there.

21 have you ever been to a hospital?: many many times i have.

22 have you ever been in trouble with the law?: once when i was 9 i prank called a place twice and they had caller ID and they got the police involved… my mum was fuming.

23 have you ever met any celebrities?: i met the twins from teen wolf and they were adorable :*

24 baths or showers?: showers fuck me uuup

25 what colour socks are you wearing?: none

26 have you ever been famous: lol no

27 would you like to be a celebrity: no thanks im so fine being normal.

28 what type of music do you like?: uhhhh i think im alternative indie trash but like also everything that bops is my shit???

29 have you ever been skinny dipping?: lol lets not go there

30 how many pillows do you sleep with?: 3

31 what position do you usually sleep in?: on my side … hugging the 3rd pillow.

32 how big is ur house?: not very, its one story and houses 3 ppl ^-^

33 what do you typically have for breakfast?: toast and a cup of tea.

34 have you ever fired a gun?: yea i have. Not a fan of guns tho

35 have you ever tried archery: yup, and that i am a fan of!!!

36 favourite clean word?: soap

37 favourite swear word?: cunt. Lol.

38 whats the longest youve ever gone without sleep?: probably like 2 days.

39 do you have any scars: yeah i have a few.

40 have you ever had a secret admirer?: not that im aware of.. but isnt that the point?

41 are you a good liar?: kinda but also i hate lying to people so i tend to not do it often.

42 are you a good judge of character?: i sure hope so.

43 can you do any accents other than ur own?: not very good but usually i just pretend to be scotish

44 do you have a strong accent?: i have no idea

45 whats your favourite accent?: Irish probably

46 whats your personality type: im type 5 if that makes sense to yall

47 whats your most expensive piece of clothing?: probably the fucking togs i bought last weekend 😂😂

48 can you curl your tongue?: i can maybe thats my one talent..

49 innie or an outie?: lol innie

50 lefty or righty?: im right handed :P

51 are you scared of spiders?: only if they jump on my face, otherwise no not at all

52 favourite food?: pastaaaaaa

53 favourite foreign food?: sushiiiiii or italian food is the shit

54 are you a clean or messy person?: im relatively tidy but cluttered.

55 most used phrase?: fuck if i know i never shut up 😂

56 most used word?: “weow” “mleh” “fuck” those 3 sometimes together or separately

57 how does it take to get ready?: an hour. Usually

58 do u have much of an ego?: idk how to answer this one

59 do you suck or bite lollipops?: yes.

60 do you talk to yourself?: yeah but only cause she never shuts up lol

61 do you sing to yourself?: it stops her from talking so yeh

62 are you a good singer?: no im terrible

63 biggest fear?: shutting everyone out and then ending up completely by myself, being replaced. Idk.. im afraid of getting older and watching my grandparents get greyer and forgetful. Clowns. Caring more about things or people than they probably do about me. Cliche shit like that.

64 are you a gossip?: no but i listen to it 😎👀☕

65 best dramatic movie youve seen?: kill bill 1 and 2

66 long or short hair?: on me i like having it short c:

67 can you name 50 states in america?: lol no

68 favourite subject: art / history

69 extrovert or introvert?: introvert 😩👌

70 ever been scuba diving?: nope thatd be fun tho

71 what makes you nervous?: ppl im not close with asking personal questions, ppl getting in my comfort zone, being late for something, family gatherings, people pointing out my nervous ticks like fidgeting..

72 are you scared of the dark?: kinda :/

73 do you correct ppl when they make mistakes?: sometimes but not if it makes me or them look like a dick.. i would only do it if it helped them.

74 are you ticklish?: no

75 have you ever started a rumour?: maybe in like primary school..

76 have you ever been in a position of authority?: yes im an older sibling so ofc

77 ever drank underage?: yes, thanks dad 👌

78 ever done drugs?: … yes.. thanks aunty 👌 i swear my familys semi normal

79 who was ur first real crush?: prolly my first best friend..

80 any piercings?: nope.

81 can you roll your R’s ?: not very good but yes i can

82 how fast can you type?: very very lelel

83 how fast can you run?: depends on whats chasing me.

84 your hair colour?: reddish brown atm

85 your eye colour?: hazel ^-^

86 any allergies?: none that im aware of!!!

87 do you keep a journal?: i do, i mostly doodle tho

88 what do your parents do?: my mum works as a gardener atm, my dad fixes pipes lol.

89 do you like your age?: yeah sure 21 is fine ^-^

90 what makes you angry?: people who try to take advantage of others just bc theyre family. 🙄🙄

91 do you like your name?: i do actually!

92 have you already thought of baby names?: yes kinda sort of only one so far i like the name Hazel its cute

93 boy or girl for a child: tbh i would want a daughter but a son is just as fine

94 strengths?: im optimistic i think, sometimes im funny, i can see thru ppls bullshit. There. So strength!

95 what are your weakeness?: im also the complete opposite of all my strengths listed above. Its too easy for me to get upset with myself, im very dramatic and sometimes its exhausting lol.

96 how did you get ur name?: my … parents??

97 were your ancestors royalty: i have no idea, i know most of my irish ancestors were coal miners and catholic so.. prolly not

[get-rammed]

*slides in* Hey guys. I’ve stopped being dead to bring you something no one wanted. Bitty Canine. But it’s the only project that I actually managed to finish instead of getting bored and dropping. You gotta bear with me for a bit. I haven’t been able to really draw anything I liked since I dropped off the face of the planet

Holy shit that got way longer than I meant it to. Whoops. Under a read more. Also as a general warning, this is as wall of texty as normal. Since I write with the grace of a child.

Alrighty. So this is the Canine bitty. He stands at 3 feet tall. He really doesn’t count as a bitty and a lot of places don’t sell him anymore. Thus Canine bitties are incredibly rare. There are two versions. Only way to tell the difference is if his cloak has green in it.

The one without green is an anxious mess that worries the second you leave his sight. He’s incredibly high maintenance. Picky about what he eats, and just what he does in general. He’s better suited for someone who has a lot of time and patience. He’s a good fit for couples, as he doesn’t get jealous. Plus the more people to love him, the better to him. High energy pets, children, and Bitties are definitely a no go. He needs a calm environment. You can still have all of the above, they just need to be calm around him. You really don’t want to startle or horribly upset a Canine bitty. More on that later. He can do everything he needs to himself. But will often go to you because he loves the attention. He’s a bit of a clean freak, so your house will be constantly cleaned. If you have pets, there’s a good chance you’re coming home to them shaved. Why wait for them to get everything dirty with their hair, when you can just be rid of the problem. He’s pretty skittish. Won’t stay out to greet guests, unless he’s meet them a few times. If you’re not home, he’ll stick to himself. Probably crying waiting for you to come home. Other times he’ll clean or if he’s really attached to you, he’ll show up where ever you are. If you want to ensure the latter not happening, you have to get a parental bitty. They’ll make sure he stays busy and doesn’t show up at your job. He won’t really take care of others, but he won’t hurt them either. He’ll make sure you’re okay, but won’t really go out of his way to ensure you’re doing everything you should be.

The one with green is a polar opposite to greenless. He is rather hostile. A lot closer to his normal self. This Canine is for someone who has a lot of patience and can withstand bites and cuts. He’s resistant to change and takes a while to warm up to his new owner. He will be all sorts of growly when first meeting them, trying to scare them off. He likes it at the shelter, it’s all he knows. He’s not going to want to leave it easily. He will not allow you to do anything for him when first meeting, it’ll take a good half year before he’ll allow you to do things for him. So food time is a mess. He won’t tell you what he wants, so he’ll raid your kitchen. If the kind of meat isn’t there that he wants, he’ll throw a fit and wreck your kitchen. Each Canine varies on what he’ll eat, so you can’t just look it up. Plus not a lot of people have owned Canines that actually cared for them, more on that later. Best to just get everything see what he’ll eat, what ever he doesn’t eat, I’m sure someone else will eat. It’s very easy to break his trust, so always do as you say you will when it comes to him. Unlike greenless, he’s incredibly jealous. Won’t stand for your attention being divided to another human or normal monster. He holds a lot of power, so do be careful and don’t push your luck. He can fuck you up if he’s mad enough. Can’t kill you, but can bust your nose and limbs. How lovely. He can stand other Bitties, if they’ll bow out of his way when he wants attention that is. Doesn’t play well with other aggressive Bitties. He will always win the fight. So just stick to nicer Bitties if you want to keep them alive. Do stay away from Bitties that are whiners or need a lot attention. Canine will annihilate them within seconds of meeting them. Children and pets are probably not a great idea. He won’t kill the kids, but he won’t hesitate to bite or scratch them. Pets he will hurt, or possibly kill. When he finally gets attached, he’ll be a little clingier. Wanting to be by you when you’re home, not afraid to shove anyone else out of his way. When you’re gone he’ll probably just go for walks and attack local animals. Getting a Cherryboy will be good to keep Canine from wondering. Will also help tame him when he gets too aggressive. A gentle rib cracking kick from Cherry will get Canine to back off. cherryboy is literally less than half canines height so this amuses me Unlike greenless, he’ll actually make sure you’re okay and doing what you need to. Even when first meeting him, he’ll watch what you do. So if one morning you don’t take your meds, he’ll gruffly remind you. 

Canines heats aren’t that bad. He does get a little bigger, only standing at seven feet when in heat. Yeah, only a little bigger. Depending on type and attachment will change how his heat is. Greenless is a total sub and wants you to fuck him no matter on attachment level. Green not so much. He’s a full on dom. When he doesn’t trust you, he’ll probably hole up in your attach or shed. When he trusts you, he’ll hole up under your bed. If he loves you, then he’ll pin you and fuck you hard. Because he can do that now and he’s going to do it every chance he gets. Luckily they only last a few days, not a whole month. Also doesn’t really change his aggression level. He just wants to smash.

There’s a good reason a lot of places stopped creating (breeding? how the fuck does this work??) Canines. They’re heavily sought after for their willingness to do anything for their owner. Which includes winning in fighting rings. Canines when they set their minds to something, completely shut everything out. They hone their skills as a hunter and take out what or who ever was placed in front of them. Their size often gives them huge advantages. Other owners just piss their Canine off. Don’t feed him, throw him around. Really get the rage building then toss him in. Why get him to like him when getting him to hate you and still do what you want is so much easier. As long as he takes down what ever’s in front of him that’s all that matters. People often pit large animals, mostly large dogs, against their Canine just to rake in money. Knowing full well that the animal would not be the one walking away. The only one a Canine can’t take out is a Cherryboy, but no one can touch Cherryboy even in a regular universe. So it’s no different here. Even greenless Canines can win a fight, but it takes a bit of actual care from the owner for that. Which is fucked up. Bitty shop owners were horrified to learn where most Canines ended up. So they stopped selling them horrified of them being bought just to be shoved into squalor. So very few still sell them. A few have been rescued from fighting rings, but generally are pretty depressed or just straight hostile. They could warm to you, but that’d take years. When Canines form bonds, they’re deep strong and hard to forget. Even if they were disgusting and harmful to them.

Which reminds me. Do not get a Ripperboy bitty when housing any Canine bitty. Ripperboy is not kind to his brother in the normal universe, Bittyverse is less kind. Every Canine is created with the memories of how shitty Ripperboy is. He’ll push to get Canine to kill himself. Telling him how disgusting and problematic he is. Do everything to get rid of Canine. Depending on which it is, will change how they react. Greenless Canine will probably do it. His brothers words hurt. Green Canine is just going to rip Ripperboy apart. He’s had enough of the abuse. But killing him didn’t bring the satisfaction he thought it would. Leaving him kinda empty and a little colder towards you.

General notes

  - The inside of his cloak looks like shitty nebula's. They shift and move, swirling and sparkling. Speaking of his cloak. 

 - For the love of the stars do not touch Canines cloak without asking. If you see it sitting out, leave it. He will know you touched it and will be royally pissed. Like bust your nose pissed. He will magically grab your hair and smash your face into the nearest surface. It’s going to hurt. This goes for both variations of Canine. Not even shop owners know why Canine is so protective of it. Some say touching the inside will bring you where it shows you, space. Others say it leads to the void they hear their Bitties talk about. Some say it’s where he stores the things he deeply cares for and doesn’t want anyone else to touch. A kind of sub space compartment if you will. No one really knows, and he’s not sharing his knowledge on it. 

 - Upsetting a Canine could result in you missing a limb. If he gets mad enough he will attack you if you get too close. He won’t hold back when furious. Not afraid to bite even if he’s not that mad. His temper tantrums could easily cost you a lot of money on new furniture and hospital bills. If you startle him, he might attempt to bite you. Just as a fear reflex.

 - Canines left hand is robotic. It’s not known why, but the creation process messed up and left it missing. So the shop owners just created little robotic hands for them. Having an Beastswap Undyne Bitty is a good idea. She’ll be able to keep maintenance up on the hand. Plus Canine just likes having her around.

 - Canines are just missing a spinal piece. Why? I don’t know. Because they can. its because thats just how i drew him at first and decided fuck it

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 9: “-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight.” - Jason

i'm fully a psycho, i practiced my acting in the mirror to pretend I accidentally voted Ian. its a mess. a REAL mess. and I might have done it for no reason, they took it super well so maybe I... shouldn't tell Jason...

i literally am why Ian left. I wanted him out since round two, and I made it happen even though nobody wanted it to. I FINALLY ACTUALLY MADE A MOVE IN A GAME. I FINALLY DID SOMETHING I'M SO HAPPY asldfa. I could CRY, I can leave this game happy.

um da fuck alalkdgh well I aldlkj so alkjdfc;l.

^ decipher thats all I got.

No honestly I don't know what to think right now. Everyone went crazy last tribal and I feel like I need to explain myself a little bit? First off my alliance voted someone oppositely of what they told me they'd do. And secondly, they used me as a total fallback. And what made it me CRACKED asf was that they told me none of it. Like we talked in the morning about how shit was going to go down tonight and decided on Jason. We were all in agreement and it was in motion. Later Tom asked me what the vote was and I was told to tell him Ian. Except Alex told me that he told him Me. Without warning me. At all. Which is like shitty. So I kinda got paranoid and started asking around and seeing what was what, and thats when Tom came up to me and said that there was a big blindside to vote me off led by Alex. Of course, my initial thought was that this could be happening and he made this big plan to vote off Alex and I talked to Ali about it but ULTIMATELY I decided to go with Jason as I promised. My mistake I guess was telling Jones, who I really trusted, saying that they wanted to make a move on Alex but I trusted him and said I voted Jason. I only said so because I was worried that it might fall through and I might need to be saved by her idol. Which I know is hers of course and I don't want to dictate when she can use it but with this insanity going around I just was really nervous. But honestly I can't believe that Alex and them all just decided against voting Jason without telling me. They said it was to save me, which of course is true, but they didn't tell me. And it was SHITTY for Alex to not tell me that he threw my name to Tom, like truly dumb. I know I've said I might want him out soon a lot, but honestly I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to be doing with the next tribal. I do wanna say tho that I like him as a person a whole lot! He's sweet and loyal and really kind, I just think he's gonna end up dominating this game if people let him.

PS I don't know if Julia has a problem with me. We were suppose to be voting together for Jason, and while she doesn't owe me anything, she just wouldn't talk to me. Like I think I wouldn't have CRACKED so hard if I could just reach her and get a grip on how she was voting.

She's being chaotic on purpose but only to me? I don't get it.

okay I'm off the alliance call. I just sent a really like emo paragraph to my hostchat but I'm so happy, which is gross because I just did Ian so dirty but lemme explain.

I have played 7 games before this (3 Survivor, 4 Big Brother) - I've come 2nd in five of those games, and without exception I have never EVER played a game I'm proud of. I always make fun of my game for being crap. Like I'm always a goat, always crap, and always play passively.

I'm so excited about this season and this game because... I'm finally playing the game and a game I am proud of. Like I'm not fussed about winning or making FTC, because lets be real, it fully is not happening, but I wanna leave the season proud of my game. And I already so am, like... I've wanted Ian out since round two, and I've been determined to make it happen.

And I did that. I literally was angling to get him out via a vote switch and then when the vote split came up, I knew exactly what to do. I knew Ian would be less willing to make amends and more able to make connections. I knew Ian was a threat and so urgently needed to be removed because he could keep a grip on the game.

I can't believe that. In a tribe of twelve people, where nobody wanted Ian out (the four votes for him were all just for the sake of a vote split), and I singlehandedly forced it through. I saw a target, knew to make a move and got them out. IM SO HAPPY.

in other news... I am a psycho, I literally went to a mirror, practised how to look shocked and then went on that call and acted my HEART OUT. I think people bought it, but it is. the. most. cracked. thing. I. have. ever. done.

I'm now kinda stuck, because I have two options. Either I tell Jason what I did earning his trust, or I just... try and work with Jason without telling him. One is riskier with more potential long term benefit, and one is a much safer bet. I am gonna think on it and decide tomorrow.

Also I was really mean about Jones, Mo & Alex in my confessionals earlier. I take it back, on calls they are so FUN. I think they just aren't texting people so I don't judge. Doesn't mean I necessarily wanna go too far with them, but I love them as people and feel bad for being mean.

also since this round solidified that much as I'm proud of my game, I'm not making FTC, I'd rank people in the order I'd vote for them as a juror as:

Jules > Alex > Mitch > Tom > Benj > Jones > Julia > Jason > Caeleb > Mo

Jules/Alex/Mitch seem very switched on, Tom making it to the end would be a real underdog journey, Benj is a king and has the right idea with an undercover duo, Jones/Julia savvy queens, Jason actually also has an underdog story we will need to see with that one, Caeleb telling Jones about the Alex plan is a real dumb move imo which lowers his rank for me. Mo is my SON and I love him but would need to see more game from him to be comfortable voting him at FTC in any scenario.

also ian talking about dom not deserving to win switzerland set off kill bill red flags for me. nobody who talks about dom negatively lives to tell the tale, you go BYEBYE. but also ian ilysm, like you were a major threat and had to go, but on a personal level i love you with my whole heart.

okay last confessional for now, the two moods:

June 30th yeehaw

July 2nd

Extra notes:

Benj and i are working on the idol hunt together and I’m already on like,, 30 w him so it’s gucci, I’m not gonna tell Alex ab it or anything bc I kinda wanna try and stray away from him a bit?? Like he doesn’t have to know EVERYTHING Ab my advantages yk?

And I’m probs not gonna try and use the vote cover on anyone rn bc every single one of my allies is like,,, up for exposure???? So that’s wacky,,

Also bc Ian was absolutely ROBBED of jury we’re thinking it’s a F2

Bc OF COURSE IT IS which I’m not mad ab but I have to think ab who i’d Really want to sit with,,, best case scenario for me is probs Benj,, maybe Mo? Not too sure,, but um ya barbecue sauce on my thiddies here we go into f11 onward and upward amirite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGv10gbJxVU

this was b4 tribal 

So I lost Ian... and I'm kinda mad about it! I can't help but feel like I'm on my way to the jury because even the next day people are still acting super weird with me. I don't really understand how I'm a threat to anyone right now though??? Like I guess the Me/Ian power duo thing was valid but Ian's gone now so that argument should be moot.

I have no idea what to do moving forward. Up this point my game has been based on how I interpret conversations with people and how much I thought I could trust them... but I can't do shit if no one wants to talk to me (and I cannot stress ENOUGH how much sense this doesn't make).

The one good thing about me staying in the game I guess is I now have free reign to do whatever the fuck I want with my time left here. If I can blow up as many games as possible and stir the pot as much as I can at least I go out having fun?? Right?? But bottom line is I fully intend on lone-wolfing this game for however long I'm still here for.

My current first steps are to first throw Julia under the bus to Caeleb, and hopefully get something going with Caeleb. If I'm in with Caeleb, it might help with Alex, Jones, and Mo using me as a number.

Next is to pretty much sell my soul to the kingpin of this entire thing right now, Alex. I'm imagining a faux-Phillip Sheppard scenario where I tell Alex he owns my vote, but he doesn't really. I have no clue if he'd bite but it's worth trying because what the fuck else do I have left.

On the topic of Alex, I could also try to shift his attention into targeting someone like Mitch or Benj? I can embellish a little bit and tell Alex that Mitch is spreading a rumor that he has the Dirt People Idol or something along those lines.

Next on the (tentative) agenda is to talk with Jules and try to see where I stand with her. For some reason I feel the most burned by her from last tribal?? I don't trust her at all but as long as she thinks that door is still open I'll hear what she has to say. Maybe I can guilt her into giving me more info as well?

And the last thing I can think of is try making a better connection with Mo and Jones, and hopefully start some sort of game relationship with those two. I don't really see myself getting far with this one considering these two have been hit or miss in the conversations I've had with them, but there isn't anything worth not trying at this point.

Back to a less gamebotty point of view, I've honestly been oscillating between being angry and being upset about how last tribal broke down, mainly because I feel like Ali, Julia, and Mitch could've waited a lot longer to do something like this if they were worried about me and Ian (which I still believe they had very little reason to be worried right now in the first place). But I also feel like I had 9 doors slam in my face and the only person I can still be real with is Tom. I'm back at square one and I'm not happy about it, but I didn't come back to this godforsaken ORG to go down easy so I've gotta keep moving for as long as I can.

(Also I need to be willing to let go of Tom. I'm not gonna go out of my way to burn him, but I'm also beyond the point of wanting to stick my neck out too far for him. My longevity is the only priority right now.)

okay so... this vote is operation get Caeleb out of here. I really wanted to work with Caeleb, and I think he could have been a really useful number, but like... him telling Jones about the plan to vote Alex really, really rubbed me the wrong way. Like I do not trust him at all after that, I really do not know where we are at now.

So here is the goal. I'm about to call Jason and hopefully get him back on side. Then hopefully between Jules and I, we can convince Space Jam to vote Caeleb (I'm still confused how close he is to Mo/Jones/Alex, could be a good test). With Caeleb, a potential number for them, out of the way, next round its time for a big move, its time for one of Jones/Alex/Mo to go.

The numbers for that move would be (hopefully) Me, Jules, Julia, Tom, Jason, Mitch (6/10) + Benj hopefully, or at worst I'll just keep him in the loop. I really think Caeleb going could be so so good, it really opens up numbers and weakens Jones/Mo/Alex - it also narrows down where the idol is, something that we have to stay conscious of.

At the moment, my closest allies are definitely Jules and Benj. Jules is just.... the best, so woke, so on the ball, I am LOVING playing this season with them. Benj is such a king, my earliest like 'proper' ally even though Julia approached me after like 0.5 seconds in the game ha. I love Benj, and at the moment he also is quite out of the loop, he could also be a workable FTC option. I'm really stuck with Jules and FTC - you would be crazy to take Jules, as articulate and smart as they are, to FTC, but I really don't think I could face writing Jules' name down, I would feel AWFUL.

Also thoughts on Tom? He is too good for this world, he was so sweet about Ian/Jason going and like I really relate to the emotions he feels in games, on a personal level he is the best.

I feel like my plan going forwards is vote off Caeleb, then Alex, then Jones/Mo, and then figure it out from there. I really think if I play it right, I can slowly and calmly continue to have real swing over this game, I'm mc'loving it.

Also, because I keep doing this and its a fun pattern at this point, this is the order in which I would vote for people at FTC, if I go 11th at the moment:

Jules > Jason > Alex > Julia > Mitch > Jones > Tom > Benj > Caeleb > Mo

okay i just called Jason, such a king! i feel like i was VERY awkward, and I like I didn't articulate myself very well, but... he gets that we are going to need to potentially pull some shenanigans. I really want Caeleb then Alex, but if we need to just do Alex first, I can deal with that.

I think ideal situation is Tom wins immunity, Space Jam wants to vote Caeleb - we all go along with it, and then Alex goes next round, but we will see eek!

Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo.

So here’s the rundown on what’s happened the past couple rounds for my dumbass. First let’s start off with getting to merge, it’s a talent of mine, don’t look at my Italy placement. We’re out of that dumb fucking cave so no more waiting which is great. Another cool thing is I’m actually allies with Julia now which is weird because I’m going to be honest I was terrified of her going into this game. We had a past game experience that made me fearful. But now I’m sitting comfy in a majority alliance with Alex, Ali, Jones, Jules & Julia. By the way this is a first time thing for me, being in a majority alliance during merge. So this at least guarantees me final 7 or 6. It took me four tries to spell guarantees, who’s idea was it to put the u in front of the a it’s fucking stupid. But like here’s the thing, my gameplay is somewhat underwhelming. Basically my game relies on jury management and likability. Because I can’t strategize for shit, I just kinda smile and waddle forward when a door opens. I thought at this part of the game I would be close allies with Tom again but that didn’t happen. Apparently JJ told Tom about an alliance made in old Durmitor with Alex, Jules, Jones & Evan??? Made to like simmer JJ down. So now Tom doesn’t want to work with any of them (Which mind you three of them are my close allies) so he confronted Alex about it and I think he was like butthurt about not being included??? But like bitch I wasn’t included either but I’m not sulking about it. It wasn’t even a serious alliance. Also back to my alliances, sorry I know this is mixed up. MESSY, WHO BROUGHT NAPKINS IM GETTING MESSY. But I was also in an alliance with Alex, Jones & Caeleb after the swap. Called the Durmitor Dominators which is still a thing. But Caeleb wasn’t added to the Space Jam alliance with the group of 6 so I’m like??? What’s going on there??? I should probably talk about it with Alex because I am confusion. Also now there’s this new twist since we got out of the Dua Lipa cave, now we have to adjust to the sunlight with this exposure twist which basically means whoever gets eliminated gets to expose three people and whoever is exposed still by the tribal has to write who they’re voting for in chat. So I love that. But that’s about it for me thank you for taking the time to read this.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE VOTING JASON AT ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO GET ALEX THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BUT NO CAELEB APPARENTLY WANTS TO VOTE JASON I HATE THIS THEY REALLY ARE TRYING TO GET MY HOMIE JASON OUT!!! WAS I CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM AND IAN ALL WEEK? MAYBE SO! BUT I DON'T WANT HIM OUT YET!!! I DON'T!! WE ARE TRYING TO BLINDSIDE ALEX BUT THIS AIN'T WORKING UGHGHGHGHG *STOMPS ON THE GROUND* UGHGHGHGH I HATE THIS GOODBYE

Sooo besides the fact that it took me 5 minutes to find the confessional tab because I havent been doing these im here to update!!! Ian was just voted out and although i'm fine with it for now, I was NOT expecting a split vote. That makes me feel a little bit nervous going further into the game. I did think it was beneficial to split up the Jason/Ian duo but i was expecting Jason to go; not Ian. Anywho im almost positive im in the same predicament this vote. I've mended my relationship with Jason and im working very well with Tom to flip the script on Alex (who I believe to be running the game). Typically I would wait a few more rounds to get Alex out, but if everyone is playing for him to win, I might miss my opportunity like I did in my last season. I'm not blind! I'll do whatever it takes to go far and put myself in people's endgames. RN swapped Durmitor has the power. I dont necessarily like that because although im not on bad terms with them, I'm definitely on the bottom of that totem pole.

Tom sent seven confessionals in a row to be put at different places throughout this and last episode??? I guess??? But no thank you, so enjoy the thoughts in the order he apparently had them. ~Drew

*1 hour before tribal*

WHY IS ALEX SO CRACKED HONESTLY alex has said ian, caeleb and jason to 3 people i dont understand i am most likely getting played here but i dont want any of them to go, i see very high potential when working with all three of them so i think im going to try to make a big move and take out alex. I'm immune this round but next round im not so its a bit risky. I think Ali and Jules would be on board if there was the numbers there so if me ian jason julia ali and caeleb all voted together that would be majority and alex would be the first blindside of the game....

Tom

*10 hours before tribal council*

Everyone is pretty much dead silence i feel like everyone has an idea of who they would like to target but no one is really wanting to be the first person to throw a name out there so like its gonna get so fucking messy whilst im asleep and imma wake up to one big mess i already know it

Tom

*1-2 hours before tribal*

Okay so I've just woken up and i just spoke to alex and he seems like he just wants to do anything to get his ass safe this round which is sketch af, he is saying the vote is caeleb to me so thats cool and all but i asked caeleb what he was hearing just to get both sides and caeleb said alex said jason..... so like wtf is alex trying to do.....

TOM

ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION sinking ship is near i cba voting for alex now that he has told jones, he did the same thing as evan and i am just ready for his ass to go out the door ugh im so annoyed!

Tom

OKAY I CANNOT DEAL WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CAELEB KID HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT WHY DID YOU GO AND TELL JONES LITERALLY ALL OF WHAT I SAID....ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT THEY'RE A DUO OPEN YOUR STUPID EYES IDIOT!!!! THANKS SO MUCH NOW IMMA GET FUCKED OVER AND GET TARGETED BY ALEX AND HIS MINIONS NEXT ROUND. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE I WANT TO WORK WITH IN THIS GAME....

Tom

*Tribal just happened*

Oh okay uhm well thats just fucking sad. I would like to say i never cry when a close ally is eliminated but i am a mess, i am crying right now at work and my driver is like "uhm are you okay..." yeah man im okay just crying over an ally that essentially died because i cant even speak to him anymore rip :( I miss ian so much i am so fucking furious that i am blindsided again at merge tho.... also really 9 people were in on that blindside split vote.....WOW! I am so surprised that ali and jules didnt tell me about the plan tbh they can say all they want about how they thought i knew but like if you thought i knew you should've just spoken to me about the vote.... like WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SPLIT UP JIAN when JONEX is still in the game they're much more dangerous and so much harder to get out every round we get closer.

Tom

waa waaa waaa call the wambulance! My plan is working so far i think tbh, mitch has been very responsive about this round and i am fairly certain that he has realised how fucked of a position he is in this game without me and jason here so he made an alliance chat which is good because that means he will work with us even just for this round. I think a lot of people now jian is out, have realised the next big big duo in this game is jalex so hopefully the movement on them occurs!

Tom

*hour after tribal*

Okay so this is shit me and jason are in minority and will most likely get votes split against us.... time to do something about it, in the past merges ive been too ive been in the bottom, and i was taken out this time it wont be happening as much as alex would like it too i will not let it happen! This cast seems to have fairly emotional sympathetic people in this game so imma express how sad i was at the tribal say i was balling my eyes out when ian left and how i feel so down and out and that i am very lost and sad in this game. Because this will make people feel bad for not including me in the plans and also it will create conversation for them to work with me to build my spirits up again and make me happy.

Just thinking about this exposure twist. Kinda cool actually. I'm surprised to say it but I think this might be the type of thing that I like to see??? Who am I. Kinda wish the reward challenge was more of a flash game over a typing game, only because I wanna know how hard the winner worked to get that score. Like for typing you kinda either are already good at it prior or you're shit at it, so I can't tell if Alex put in a bunch of time and effort to win. If it was some weird flash game that had a steep learning curve then I would know better and have a better grip on the game Alex is playing. Regardless, kinda excited about Benj having the curse because I think(?) that we can use that to actually do something crazy? Like I'm thinking a 5 vote blindside tie type situation where Benj throws out a red herring type of vote. We'll see, but I think I need to keep a low profile so who knows if that'll come to fruition.

okay mitch! has! been! elevated! to! king! status!

me and mitch have had a good conversation which I'm super SUPER happy about, he is someone who is in a similar spot to me, so I am SOOO happy we are talking yay. He agrees Alex needs to go soon, like... people are on the same page, maybe its time for it to hap' hap' happen.

since alex won reward, he'll of course save himself, which is fine. it means julia and benj are exposed, and while they're both close allies of mine, they are probably the two who would be in the toughest spot to vote alex, julia since she is like out of nowhere close to him, and benj since he is close to jones.

the plan could be to get alex and co to agree to another split vote or something, which separates numbers that could allow us to strike versus Alex. Maybe if we did like... Alex/Jones/Mo/Caleb on someone, Benj/Julia on another and then Me/Jason/Tom/Jules/Mitch on someone, making a 5-4-2 vote. oh god these merge vote counts have been so so cracked.

we will see. i think my placement this season is going to be like... 8th or something? I am scared of flipping for two votes in a row, BUT I feel like the good news is if I was getting voted out, either Tom or Benj would now hear about it, so I should be able to still play my idol. We will see ahh, but its very scary!

as always with my confessionals:

Bootlist: Alex > Caeleb > Jones > Jason > Mo > Mitch > Julia > Jules > Me/Tom/Benj F3

here is the problem though, I can't vote Jules out. I am such a Jules stan, voting them out would snap my heart it half, I really don't think I could do it. I think I would need others to do it, I'd probably want to be blindsided by it and kept in the dark.

and then the order I would vote people in an FTC:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Tom > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

Ok so now I’m getting added to a third alliance chat which is supposedly a final 3 alliance. But like here’s the thing, I’d be sitting next to Jones & Alex. I have a snowballs chance in hell of winning against either of them. Everyone loves Jones and Alex has been kinda running this game so far. I’m just kinda his goat. Don’t get me wrong I wanna start making some moves but it’s too early, right now I want to stay unthreatening and low key. I might just have to ride this coat tail to the end because if we have bitter jurors they’ll end up looking at Alex.

So Alex says he didnt read the challenge post... yet came 2nd?

I dont buy it, I fully believe if I ask Benj and others what Alex asked to give him, he will say negatives. He is such a fraud.

also this split vote will be his undoing... his ass is about to be grass... mwahahahahha

-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight. what the FUCK did i do to these people??

I don't even know where to go from here.

...but I mean I kinda do.

I can use this to further push the narrative that I've got no one and hence nowhere near the biggest threat/I'm the easiest target there is and HOPEFULLY people take their eyes off of me.

Aside from that what I WANT to do is vote Alex out (big change from my last confessional, I know). I think I have Tom and Jules on board if I were to pitch it to them, same with Mitch and Ali. I MIGHT have Caeleb but he ran it back to Jones last round so the precedent's already set. So from there to have a five vote majority was I was considering to split the other 6 votes. Julia and Benj are getting their votes exposed so they probably want to vote majority, which I'm anticipating to be someone like myself, Tom, or Caeleb. Ideally, the vote splits one of two ways— NEVERMIND

!! BREAKING !!

Tom says via Ali that Alex thinks that the 9 that split their vote on me and Ian are gonna split their vote again on me and Tom, but Ali isn't on board with that (if he's being honest), and I'd have to assume the same goes for Mitch since there's now a chat with myself him and Tom. So the plan from there (which ties into what I was planning anyway) is to get Jules on board (we called the day after tribal, she SOUNDS like she'd be down), and let the rest of them split their vote.

So that means...

FUCK Alex

FUCK Caeleb

FUCK Julia

FUCK the rest of em bc who??

[but not really it's a game I don't mean it]

But as far as tribal plans right now go... ideally it turns out

5-4-2

5: Me/Tom/Mitch/Ali/Jules for Alex

4-2: Some combination of Alex/Mo/Caeleb/Jones/Julia/Benj for me/Tom

I probably get the 4 again, Tom gets 2... or other way around??? I get the 2 if Mitch/Ali/Jules are meant to vote for me?

But anyways don't be shocked if this is all for nothing and this is my last confessional x

god... negative 28...

i am so frustrated with julia. okay so tom told me apparently on call she said she has a F3 with Alex/Jones, specifically a F2 with Alex. Now... I fully feel like Tom made this up, BUT I asked Julia about the vote and she says she wants to ride out the Space Jam alliance...

is she nuts. is she NUTS kjlasdfas. Literally I feel like WAY too much of this tribe is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid and I can't describe how frustrating it is lowkey. Like I sided with Alex relying on like... Julia's wokeness that we could then detach ourselves, Alex is now FULLY running this tribe and it terrifies me.

It solidifies to me that Alex needs to go this round. Like....this round. He is running this tribe, he has grips on Jones/Mo/Caeleb/Julia, and potentially Benj through Jones. That is SUCH a large amount of this tribe, so I need to stick my neck out. I'm fully embracing that I'm not making FTC at this rate, so it's just time to shake stuff up.

Here is the plan. I am going to play into the split vote plan, we can get Alex and his minions as they shall henceforth be called to split their votes between Jason and Tom, and then maybe Me/Tom/Jules/Mitch/Jason vote out Alex or any of his minions, I don't care which.

At this rate, I'm going to be going into F10 in a potential 5-5 situation, but honestly... Jones/Mo say about a word and a half of game between them each round so they are not workable allies, Julia who flips at literally the drop of a hat is suddenly misted by Alex and Co., Caeleb is just infuriating for telling Jones about the Alex vote, shows he can't be trusted. That leaves only Benj my king, the only woke one, though I am afraid of his connection to Jones.

I just WISH this TRIBE would use their BRAINS. Specifically Julia at the minute.

I’m so TIRED I’ve been so quiet maybe that’s why people are thinking about targeting me :)

Ok ok lemme back up a lil,, this is all according to Alex,, which,,,,,,, idk about YALL but he’s giving off a bit of a paranoid energy right now,, and I’m fully aware of the fact that he has the best chance at winning this game out of anyone here, sooooo maybe let him get eaten by the wolves soon? Not necessarily soon but like,, ya soon. Don’t wanna get him to the end skkdkdkdks. I also think separating myself from Alex might take a target off of MY back, I’ve been trying to separate myself like on my own terms but I think I need to start like,,, setting the stage kind of thing. Idk all I know is that I have a better chance sitting with anyone BUT him,, So maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to push Alex into the fire a little bit.

I have yet to hear a name, though I’d like to get Tom out personally? He can slide utr really easily,, plus we can (or at least I can) confirm he doesn’t have an idol, the only question is does Jason have an idol and is willing to play it on the only person he voted with? Who KNOWS!! We just have to make them feel comfy (assuming we have the majority vote that is KSKSKS)

But ya stay tuned laid ease

okay so alex is really trying to play me and its very transparent. now, this could just be tom playing which if so, good for him, his mind and his MIST, but here is the deal.

tom tells me him and alex had a conversation about pairs, where Tom threw out Alex/Jones as a pair, and Alex threw out Julia and I. Then in Alex's retelling of that same conversation, side note its funny that I heard the same conversation from both sides in the space of about 10 minutes, Alex conveniently leaves out that he threw out me and Julia as a pair, and he is SO defensive about him and Jones as a pair.

Jones was on my ass immediately when Caeleb told her Alex could be the vote, and Alex also knew super fast. You are really going to try and convince me that you aren't even close when you have spent 23 days on a tribe together, and from the sounds of things, voted together every single time! im not buying it.

for this vote, i want either alex or an alex minion out, i think mo would be the most do-able. jones is close to caeleb, who we will need as a number, so if alex's idol paranoia is too big, maybe we need to remove mo from the equation? we will see.

mo is my org son, and i love him on calls and such, but I am confused by the game he is playing. I'm potentially super underestimating him, which is a definite possibility, but at the moment.... its like... do something charlie. is he just going to hide behind Jones and Alex, because that's not smart.

i would like to see Alex go this vote, but i think he is already too paranoid (i think tom stoked his paranoia WAY too much). I think Mo could end up being the back up vote, which is probably actually okay, because Alex is a definite shield moving forwards, particularly if still paired with Jones.

Updated Jury Vote Rankings:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Tom > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

okay I'm like... getting frustrated with Alex. he literally does not know how to be subtle about anything lowkey, like this vote split is literally his 4 OG Durmitors voting 'correctly', leaving all his unsure numbers Me/Jules/Julia/Benj on Jason... like mc'what...

i really want him gone, EVERYONE is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid. Maybe I'm not seeing it, but Jones and Mo particularly are playing SO passively, I fully want to scream.

I need to convince Caeleb to make a move. It's really time to just send Alex, or literally any of his minions out of here. I want to include Julia so badly, but she is so blindly misted by him out of nowhere, I hate it UGH.

I think I want Alex and Mo out as the next two votes, Alex runs the show and Mo is just too passive of a player to be a workable ally. Jones is much more of a threat, but Benj likes her and I want to respect.

I just can't deal with Alex and Co. playing so passively for another round, I'll scream KLASDFA.

Alex aka Gru (because of his minions) unfortunately goes byebye tonight. It took a bit of last minute persuading of Caeleb, but we have GOT THIS ahh.

It looks like its going to be either 6 votes or 5 if Tom self-votes on Alex (Me, Caeleb, Jules, Tom, Jason & Mitch), 3 on Tom (Jones, Mo & Alex) and 2 on Jason (Julia and Benj).

This could definitely backfire, but I don't think I'll go home (famous last words), and if Tom/Jason gets idoled out, next round there is still wiggle room because I still have my KING Benj on the other side. Jones/Mo/Julia are going to be coming for my neck, but I'd rather face the minions than Gru himself NNN,

i might live to regret this if Caeleb turns on me, but I take back everything negative I've EVER said about Caeleb. He is an icon, and so so fun to talk to. I feel like he really trusts me now, so I can't turn on him unless I have to.

New goal final five is Me/Jules/Benj/Tom/Caeleb... and I think its do-able. We get Alex out this vote, then Julia/Mo/Jones/Jason as the next four, followed by Mitch... I'm not sure how exactly, but we will figure it out AHH.

[inadeepanddarkdecember]

[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.

[haydenjjames]

Dear Diary, its been a moment

Let’s talk about my week shall we....

Hello old friend, I hope you’re doing well. Me? I could be better these last few weeks have been some of the worst my life but also some of the best times iv’e had this week. A lot of things have happened this week, to be completely honest I dot know where to start. 

Let’s start with today. Today, I went to meet this guy, he’s called Callum, i’ve known him for quite a long time however we never spoke… like ever, the only reason I knew him was through a girl I was friends with. They went out together a long time ago and when I was friends with the girl they were going out so I had only really seen him if I had met her outside of school and they were together. I don't know why that was so hard for me to say, basically I knew him through an old friend because they went out. Okay good we have got that awful explanation out the way. Back to my point it was a few months ago that some how we had connected on facebook and we started talking. We had spoken a lot about his past, which I won’t go into thats his business, but I really got on with him. So today was the first time that we had met together one on one, and I really enjoyed myself. I'm an extremely nervous person when I first meet someone alone for the first time, but when I met up with him and as soon as I saw him I just felt so comfortable and honestly it was a lovely feeling. Me and Callum met in town I had drove to my aunties, I assumed he had got the bus into town and we had met outside the old church, I always joke how it would fall down I entered it started because my auntie would always say it to me and I found it really funny, back to Callum. We met outside the church and he was talking to this gentle man about Leamington (a neighbouring city) I didn’t really listen the conversation, didn’t want to be that person who eavesdrops. So when he is finished he started talking to me about where we were going to eat and how he had worked there and at the shop on the corner and the place just before it. When we got to playwrights (where we were eating and where he used to work) we sat down on the couches and waited for a table and he was talking about everything that was going on in his life and his music gigging bands etc. and how he had made these drums out of an odd thing and how he was really proud of doing it and it was the cutest thing ever! We got our table and sat down, opposite each other it just felt right. When I talk to someone I dont like to look them in the eye because it makes me feel comfortable but the whole time we were talking to someone I was looking at him in the eye and him me and it was just such a strange feeling for me to not feel uncomfortable, but I liked it. As we were talking he just made me feel like he actually cared. We had our food we talked for a good hour or two and then we had to go because he had band rehearsals and that was that! That was the first time meeting Callum one on one, and I really enjoyed myself. He wouldn’t let me pay tho, I said I was paying next time. 

Whilst we are on the topic of boys I’ll just update you since the last time we spoke, I haven’t really spoken to “him” I dont remember if I used his name, but I haven’t really spoke to him as he’s been busy with his jobs flying all over the world lol, he is currently at the time of me writing this on a cruise in the… Caribbean, I think. But yes I hope me and him get to meet up again it would be nice to seen him. 

Right then, let’s start at last Saturday, so I took the weekend off because it was my birthday on the Sunday so the saturday I had completely free apart from a halloween party I was going to in the evening. It was a friend of a friends and I had been invited mdi was going with another friend. So I pick my friend up, I go and get something to eat and drop her at her boyfriends as she had forgotten something. As we are driving to the party we get to a junction where there are two lanes, one to turn left and one to go straight on, I say to my friend how I hate the junction as we pull up in the lane to go straight on. A car pulls up next to me with their indicator on to go left, so naturally I assume they are going left the lights change to green and we go so I go straight on and so does this car so they end up hitting the side of my car and damaging the paint work of the passenger door (and possibly denting it) so at this point I'm like what is going on so I know that I cant stop in the junction so I drive on and there is a car behind and then the car that collided with me behind that so I slow right down to make the car behind go round and the car I collided with his flashing me and I was already indicating to pull over, so anyways she gets out the car and I ask if she’s okay and straight of the gate she says “no you just fucking crashed into my car” as soon as she said this I was pissed but I was like you know what hun I ain’t got time for this, I give her my details she takes photos of her and my car she gets in her car and I wait for ages for her to leave and that just put me in a sour ass mood for the night. 

I tried to forget it had happened for the sake of my enjoyment at the party that I was heading to, I did quite enjoy it but I just didn’t feel like I belonged, just cause I only knew 3 people there, well I knew 4 but i’ll talk about that lil bitch in a minute. But me and my friends had sat in the kitchen cause they were paying a drinking game and I dont drink, I couldn’t drink cause I was driving but I dont drink anyway and my friends weren’t drinking cause they had work the next day so it was pointless joining in with the game. We spent a good 3/4 hours at the party and there was a girl there that me and my friend knew from school and she wasn’t the nicest of people to my friend but me and this girl got on fairly well, the WHOLE time we were there she completely ignored us everyone else said hi asked how we were etc she even looked directly at us and didn’t say a word, I mean how rude. It made me laugh when she looked at us cause me and my friend looked at each other like wtf was that about. 

The next day, on my 21st birthday I spend 3 hours on the phone to the my car insurance people about the car I spoke to 3 different people and two of them said that I would have to pay the full excess and then one said I would only have to pay what it would cost, I got the bill the other day and I didn’t have to pay my full excess, only what it cost. But other than that I had a nice birthday, when my friends had finished work al three of us when out for ice cream at place called sprinkles that I'd never been to and I found my favourite smoothie of all time, I don’t remember the name but the flavours were peach, passion fruit and mango, it was gorgeous!

Lets backtrack, the Friday before the halloween party I had my hair bleached and dyed grey and for the longest time I've wanted to have grey hair I think its just cause its a colour that I've never had before. I did it for the halloween party for the character that I went as. I just love having a different colour hair to my natural colour I just think its so cool how within 2 hours I can go from having dark blond/ light brown hair to bleach blond hair… it is surreal to me, the hairdresser also found out about my instagram and the makeup I do cause I was editing one of the photos for it and she said how cool it was and asked me about it which was nice.

Now we are jumping back to recent events, on Thursday I go out shopping and I had a text from my mother saying that the washing machine was leaking, (the pipe at the back where the waste water goes). So when I gets home and have something to eat I go to sort it out… the last time it was easy we just used the plunger in the sink and managed to push the blockage out, however this time the washing machine wouldn’t drain and the sink would where as last time nothing would drain at all, so it was really odd! So we took basically all the pipes out I had to cut the back of the cupboard to get to the pipes to take them out and the blockage turned out to be after the sink and was the dishwasher so I still don’t understand how the sink was draining but the washing machine wasn’t… either way we sorted it out and its been fine since, thats 3 different times i’ve had to sort a blockage out… I'm basically a plumber.

Rewinding back to last Tuesday. Monday was my aunties birthday and her niece had been texting me all week about taking her out for her birthday for afternoon tea, and it was going to be a surprise and I kept my end of the bargain but in my birthday card that she had sent me she had said that my birthday present was also afternoon tea, which we agreed (she didn’t know what to get me cause I've got everything I want), and when I was leaving my aunties on the Sunday of my birthday I had forgot to take that card the ONE card that I should have made sure had, I forgot. So I get home and I have a txt off my auntie saying about how her niece was taking me out for afternoon tea so I had to come clean and tell her but I made sure that she knew that she had to act like it was a surprise in a way I'm glad that she found out cause it took a lot of pressure off of the day and she was able to get ready the way she would have wanted to go somewhere nice. They come they surprise her its all fun. 

When we get to the place where we were having afternoon tea we get seated in the conservatory and we had a view the garden which have a river running through and a small bridge over the river in the summer it would be absolutely ideal for a wedding it was really quite lovely. When the food come there was an assortment of cakes, we all got a choice of one sandwich (they give you like 4 mini sandwiches of that type) so we all chose different ones so that we could try them all, I had chosen the ham and English mustard, it was delightful! I also tried a beef with horseradish sauce, I had never tried horseradish sauce so I was unsure but I tried it and I really enjoyed it! We had out scones and cakes which were also lovely and then we sat and talked for a little bit and went home and it was a really good time I genuinely enjoyed myself, was starting after though it didn’t fill be up at all. 

hugs Hayden xox

[chelsorz07]

this will be the extent of my hiatus content

2009/2017

Are you happy with your life at the moment? yep. Negative. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? haha...i just think it's funny how messed up those chicks have to be to get involved with such a loser. He’s not with someone else and hasn’t been for quite some time. Have you taken a picture recently with somebody you really don't like? can't think of any. I don’t recall the last time I took a picture with someone at all. Where do you work? here. Hell. And apparently I’m less of a worthwhile adult because I didn’t want to go in two hours before close on my night off because someone called off. Because it’s totally worth spending an hour and a half getting ready and half an hour getting there for the twelve dollars I’d end up with after taxes. Have you ever seen The Wedding Singer? no. Still no. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? i get my belts at rue21...hot topic is too expensive. I’m a grown ass woman, I’m too old for studded belts. How many pairs of shoes do you own? less than a dozen. 25ish but most of them are dollar flip-flops. What does the last message in your inbox say? "ummm..." “Well...thats one way to do it.” Because not only is he judging and guilt tripping me, he also doesn’t know how to use apostrophes. Would you ever break up with someone through a song? no. I wouldn’t waste a perfectly good song on someone shitty enough to break up with. First text this morning, from who and what time? "not brian lol thats all that matters" from ash at like 9:30. “Mrow.” from Dave at 4:26pm. He can’t even talk to me like a human. Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong? no. I’m rarely wrong but when I am I admit it. And I still get the blame turned on me for various psychotic reasons. Have you ever liked someone older than you? obviously. Right now I don’t much like anyone. But yes, I do prefer older. What is currently bothering you? i have to get up. i want to take a nap but can't till like 2am. Being made to feel like shit for everything I do and say. Whens the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? a week ago. I called my dad on Thanksgiving. Aside from waking up, what was the first thing you did this morning? uh...either peed or made some toast. Smoked a cigarette. Is the last person you texted a he or she? she. He. How far is it from your house to Wal*mart? like 5mins. I live in an entirely different state but I’m still only five minutes away from Walmart. And I hardly ever go because I hate it there. Does anyone call you babe or baby? no. Nope. Have you ever had pink eye? yeah. Second grade. Do you send over 1,000 texts a month? closer to 4000...i remember my first bill, it was 14000. I only talk to three people, and not every day. So no. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yep. I have a male best friend but I still can’t tell him everything because a lot of my problems are marital and he’s still in love with me so it’d be cruel of me to try to get his advice on the subject. What color is the shirt you are wearing? green. Navy blue. Do you love anyone at all? of course. I do. Not convinced they love me. Did you wake up at all last night? not really. i actually didn't have too bad of a night of sleep. I always only sleep for a couple hours at a time, either because of dreams, pain, itching, or having to pee. But if it’s a day when I don’t work, I take several short depression naps. Are you going to any movies anytime soon? we wanted to see brothers but i don't think it's playing in olean. Probably not. I said I wanted to see The Greatest Showman and since I’m going to be alone for the entire month it’s not likely to happen. Do you use code names for anyone? no need to. Once again, I am an adult. Do you hate rain? i love it. I hate all weather. Closest thing to you that is orange? my underwear. Old Navy fleece. Favorite smell on a guy? i don't know what it is...but it's amazing. I have no freaking clue. Mine always smells like oil and ball sweat. Do you trust many people? one. The only person on this planet that I trust one hundred percent is my father. Was today good or bad? hasn't been terrible but tonight should be better. Bad. Explain what triggered your last kiss? um...dave was going home so he kissed me goodbye. It was a goodbye...it’s always a goodbye. If your single, why is that? i'm not. I’m not. Where do you think the person you like is right now? i believe he's sleeping, the lucky bastard. haha I don’t know where he is because there are so many different locations that he works at I can’t keep track. He’s either somewhere in PA, somewhere in Ohio, or somewhere in West Virginia. What is the last thing you said out loud? idk. I don’t remember. Probably commentary at the tv. I’m watching season 5 of Supernatural. Who was the last person that hugged you? david. Dave I guess. Do you like watching scary movies? yeah. I used to. They’re all stupid now. Do you think someone has feelings for you? i know. Not the person who should have them. Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? haha yeah. My first kiss. Are you wasting your time on someone? definitely not. Evidently he believes he’s wasting his time on me. At least that’s how he makes me feel. Do you have a bad temper? the worst. You betcha. You find out your pregnant; boy or girl? i'd probably just an hero. I’d have to have sex to be pregnant. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex all year. Could you last in a relationship for over a year? sure. Been almost 9. Do you think somebody likes the same person you do? idk but i won't stand for it if they do lol Oh he has several. Claims there’s nothing going on. But is still shady about all of it and wonders why I keep asking. Do you wish you had more money? oh hell yeah. Yeah I’d move the fuck home in a heartbeat, so I can be around people who actually give a shit about me. Who's car were you in last, not counting family? dave. Mine. Did the last person you kiss have piercings? no. No. How was last night? lame. Sucked. We got out of work an hour late and then they killed Carl on TWD. I mean he’s not dead yet but he will be. I bet your going to kiss someone tonight, right? pretty good bet. Wrong. How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want? one, and at least five more. I have two. I want several. Are relationships ever really worth it? this one is. Good question. Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie? my parents. Yes. What are some things that make you mad? lots of things. Pretty much everything. Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation? i'd feel a hell of a lot better in ANY situation if i had a CAT.  Amanda.

If you could have anyone you want, who would it be? the one i have. I would feel like the one I have wants me. What color are your eyes? hazel. Green. Who was your crush in 5th grade? fitz. That can’t really change 20 years later. About how many hours of sleep did you get last night? uh...i'm not sure. 6 maybe. Like I said...two hours at a time. But a couple times. Is your hair naturally straight? wavy. No it’s not. Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/won't? yeah. Tons of fucking things. What are you doing right now? procrastinating. This and watching SPN. Who sung the song you last listened to? edwin mccain. Something That We’re Not - Demi Lovato. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? mandi. Sheila when I called off last Saturday because I couldn’t walk. Who was the last person to text you? mandi. Dave. What's the weather like outside? disgusting. Cold. Where was the last place you bought something? beach house. Applebee’s and Sheetz. Who are you thinking about right now? maranda. Demi Lovato because I mentioned her so that song is stuck in my head now. Is there anyone you couldn't go a day without talking to? yeah. No. Sometimes I go several days without talking to anyone. Do you believe exes could really ever be "just friends"? some. I’m friends with my ex. Did you sing at all today? not yet but i will later. At like 5am. How many people have you had feelings for this year? one that i was just getting over at the beginning of the year and one that i've had feelings for for almost two years. One for the past eight and a half years. Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly? i am. Idk I’m married to someone who hurt me badly so probably. But I only have two friends and they’ve never really done anything to me. When was the last time you were told you were cute? idk a few days ago probably. Yesterday. Do you know anybody with the same middle name as you? my middle name is like the most common ever. Like everyone. What are you wearing right now? pj pants, tank top, long sleeved shirt, and a fur lined hoodie because it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. Black yoga pants, blue long sleeved shirt. It’s what I wore to work yesterday. Is there something you're looking forward to? maranda's birthday. Well I was actually kinda looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas but now Dave’s volunteering to work that day so once again I’m stuck here alone.