#and of course Tumblr wanted me to blaze this post too

[westernstarofthenorth]

Me trying to scroll through the feed, and the blogs I follow- Tumblr: "Here's a stupid game ad with flashing images- and another, and another, and another, play this, download this, you hide it 10 seconds ago, here it is again, and again, and again... !!" Me reblog posts- Tumblr to every 3rd post i reblog: "Blaze this, blaze that, blaze, blaze, blaaaaazeeee... !!" STOP WITH ALL THE CRAP, FOR F***'s sake, i'm here to look at photos and share them, NOT to play toddler-games or blaze a damn thing !!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬 And one more thing- STOP BOTHER ME WITH "GO PREMIUM"- will NEVER happen !!

[creature-wizard]

Even as a believer in loa(I've practiced it for a while now). I appreciate your post so much. I was shocked at first because it's such a niche topic that only followers really know about? So I was shocked to see your post expecting it to be sarcastic in the beginning. I personally think Law of Assumption Tumblr is a whole different breed? I mean I didn't know of the void at all until I came on here. Most traditional believers of neville don't even know what the void is? It's like entering different worlds when encountering loa believers anywhere else like youtube/reddit. Versus tumblr. I sort of feel like tumblr is a different beast though? Cause they seem to mostly focus on the void, which I'm not even sure if this is something Neville talked about? I've only heard traditional followers mention SATS. Like I said the void seems to be a tumblr thing? I was shocked that people on here were claiming they've manifested billions of dollars, looking like ariana grande, living in a totally different home(???), someone's brother has wings(???). I really don't know? If these are neville's teachings or not. But I think one of the main reasons your post blew up so much is because the attitude in this community specifically. I've never met such righteous people in my life. I'm guessing a lot of those people who like me really questioned these people because they never showed proof but for some reason you're dumb or lazy? I've probably seen more posts of people criticizing everyone who weren't able to wake up in their mansion as if they're dumb or annoying them? Instead of helping them. Like "OMG SIS IT'S SO EASY TO ENTER THE VOID!? STOP BEING DUMMMMMB IT'S LITERALLY THE EASIEST THING EVERRRRR." Why am I dumb because I find it hard to believe something that seems impossible? Why are you leaving the community or calling it toxic because people are questioning things that seem impossible? I got really caught up in trying to get into the void. And I'm not even sure if loa tumblr is following neville's teaching's cause if anything it seems to fall more into shifting? Anytime I look up loa tumblr it's 85% about shifting or the void? Also I'm pretty sure most of these people are children so you're better off not even trying to argue with them. Lmfao.

I think another reason it might have blown up is because somebody (it wasn't me) blazed it, lol.

I agree that most of these people are probably teenagers, which is kinda why I post so much - not to argue with the ones who won't budge on it, but to reach the ones who are still on the fence, or questioning, and save them from a bunch of trauma from the types of people you described.

I don't think Goddard used the term "void state," but he did describe a practice that sounds similar to it. But yeah, the posts you're talking about are absolutely ridiculous and that kind of rhetoric is going to be horrible for a lot of people, because if we're defining "void state" as a really deep state where you experience full detachment from your body and full ego death, that's just not a state that everyone can reach for some reason. (I know this because I'm one of them! And I know for absolute fact that my problem was not some kind of blockage, self-doubt, or trying too hard!)

As to what Goddard said you could or couldn't do, he never explicitly said that you could manifest fantastical results like wings, but he did say that you could manifest anything, and nothing was impossible. I'm pretty sure Goddard was at that point talking to the kind of people who just wouldn't think very far outside of the box. But you give that kind of rhetoric to a bunch of people exposed to a lot of fiction and to modern celebrity culture, and of course you're going to get a lot of people who want something a little more... exciting, shall we say.

And yeah, the whole self-righteous know-it-all attitude so prevalent in this community is a thing that really stood out to me. The way these people talk down and insult people is just yikes. Like, I know from experience that if I tried to take people who act like this seriously, it would be an absolute disaster for my mental health. (This kinda shit does not play well with scrupulosity OCD.) Angry anons will be like, "you're just angry because you failed!" but like, mmmmm no, I just recognize a potential scrupulosity OCD trigger when I see one, lol.

For anyone reading this: If you are leaving or questioning the Law of Assumption and need help, please see this post.

[shopwitchvamp]

Hello,

I got my first order from you last week and I'm in love with your skirts. I almost didn't buy the Queen of the Night maxi but I'm so glad I did because it's easily my favorite of the skirts I got. I also picked up the Treacherous Garden jogger, and normally the elastic around the ankles bothers me, but yours are loose enough that it doesn't irritate me. I already have a May pre order I'm waiting on, but I don't think I'll be able to resist all those upcoming drops you have planned. All of this because if one blazed tumblr post I saw (in case you ever wonder how successful your ads are).

As a side note, I've been enjoying the Tarot videos as well. They inspired me to get back into using my own Tarot cards.

🥰💖 1000x thank you so much for this message!! You really just went down the line and complimented like every single thing possible! Even my ads! I'm glad my shameless blazing led to so much good stuff, haha. And yeah, there's a lot coming up between now and May Preorder fulfillment. If you miss anything tho, most things will come back around for preorders again after a while. I try to warn everyone if a particular drop has something I'm discontinuing or don't plan to stock for a while. So don't worry too much about needing to jump on all the drops right away! (But if you just want stuff ASAP, well of course feel free to grab it, haha) Side note thanks about the tarot videos 😁 I'm so happy they were inspiring!

[blazehedgehog]

Pinned Post

Since Tumblr is moving away from custom themed pages it's easier to just have a pin.

Hi! My name is Ryan, but everybody on the internet calls me "Blaze", as in BlazeHedgehog. I've had that internet username since at least 1998 or even 1997, where I picked it for myself as a high school freshman in the computer science lab. I was trying to fit in with other Sonic fans, you see. I just never felt like changing it (and now it's sort of like "my brand.")

I'm the founder of SAGE (The Sonic Amateur Games Expo), though I haven't had an active role in the event in a good while now. I still occasionally dabble in making games, and depending on who you ask, one of those games changed the face of an entire community.

Since then, I've been growing a slightly popular Youtube channel, and I occasionally stream on Twitch. I've been doing both of those a long time -- my Youtube channel dates back to 2006, and I've been livestreaming games since before Twitch even existed (Who here remembers a service called "Mogulus"?) I even used to run multiple Shoutcast radio stations back in the day!

In terms of this blog, it is largely an ask blog. I try to make sure at least one post goes up every day. Most people ask me questions about Sonic games, but feel free to ask me just about anything as long as it's not rude or too personal. Just be aware it might take a week or two for the answer to get posted, depending on volume and interest.

I wrote a big long intro post for the now defunct Cohost. If you'd like to know even more about me, that follows under the "keep reading" tag:

I still care a lot about fangames, and people's right to make fangames. SAGE was founded on the ideal of normalizing the fangaming scene in the eyes of the mainstream. Back when I first started, fangames were often considered another form of piracy. I wanted them re-categorized to be in the same realm as fanart or fanfiction. Whether or not SAGE accomplished that is anyone's guess, but the world is a lot more accepting of fangames these days regardless. A lot of cool people have featured their games at SAGE over the years, including the developers of Sonic Mania, Spark the Electric Jester, and Freedom Planet. SAGE is genuinely one of the things I am most proud of starting in my life, even if I haven't had a managerial role in over ten years.

I have been interviewed about SAGE and how it relates to the fangaming community. Both times I've been interviewed, I was granted permission to post my (very, very wordy) interview in full, if you'd like to read them:

Cultured Vultures: The Weird and Wonderful History of Sonic Fangames

Le Monde: When There’s No Good Sonic Games, Fans Develop Their Own

I was known for a few fangames in my time. I have a Youtube playlist where I've commentated over some of those games.

I've tried to transition to making original games, the most recent one being OverBite in 2016. OverBite was a game I created for a game jam, with the intent on making it a bigger, more robust thing to sell later on down the line. The game jam version you can download today is a little basic and boring. It was created over the course of 33 days and I did nearly everything alone -- coding, art, level design, all of it. I custom-built the physics engine, I custom-built the AI, almost none of it was using prefabs or existing example code. The only outside help I received was music, which was provided by my old friend Malcolm Brown (who really needs a better online presence for links like this).

Circumstances got weird (it's a long story, and this post is long enough) but the short of it is OverBite is permanently on the backburner until further notice. I'd love to go back and flesh it out some day, and really make it something special (I have a giant design doc for it!), but I have to focus my attention elsewhere.

I registered a Youtube channel in 2006, back in the early days before they were owned by Google. Around 2009, I did my first formal video review, for Sonic Unleashed. I was inspired by the style of Gametrailers (now Easy Allies) at the time. From there, I started taking my channel a little more seriously, and recently I have had the impetus to take it very seriously.

I have been livestreaming since at least 2009, as well. For reference, that's before Twitch.tv existed, back when the site was called Justin.tv, and was pitched more as people livestreaming their bedrooms with a webcam (what is now called "Just Chatting" on Twitch). I jumped around between sites like Mogulus.com, Livestream.com, and uStream. In 2012, I teamed up with a friend, Imran Khan, to stream Sonic 06 for charity. The 18 hour marathon raised more than $1000 for relief after the Japanese tsunami disaster of the same year. When I stream nowadays, I do it on Twitch, here. Archives of past streams can be found here and here.

I used to be a paid, professional games media writer for the niche site tssznews.com, but that site imploded after I worked there for 12 years. It ran out of money, the head didn't want to run it anymore, and after an embarrassing social media gaffe, permanently closed its doors basically overnight without warning anyone else. While at TSSZ, I helped break a lot of their biggest stories. A slowly increasing amount of my TSSZ work has been archived at Last Minute Continue, and you can always use the Wayback Machine. I also have plans to archive my "professional" writing on my own site, bltn.net, eventually. Some day.

(Since writing this, I have also uploaded a large chunk of archived TSSZ articles to The Internet Archive.)

I'm also an artist, or I was. Most of my other creative outlets eventually took precedent, but I still try and retain some artistic skill. There's a very dusty DeviantArt profile out there, and an art tag on my tumblr blog you can check out. Carpal tunnel has made drawing a little frustrating these days, however.

Is that it? I guess that's it. There are even more links to things that aren't necessarily worth a paragraph on the Linktree, and not to hustle you after reading all of that, but boy it would be great if more people supported me on Patreon so I can use all this stuff to help pay my bills and get me to a more comfortable place in life. Twitch subs and Patreon donors get early access to my Discord and yadda yadda yadda...

Oh yeah, and I even turned on Youtube Memberships recently.

[rebelrebelwrites]

Fic Friday! ❤️ Rebel’s Weekly Fic Recs

As always, this week's recs are...

As always, please mind the tags on any recommended story for your own personal preferences.

+++

The Classic You’ve Heard Of But Somehow Haven’t Read Yet: i cannot heave my heart into my mouth by @fallofrainblog

What you need to know going in:

It’s a Sauron POV fic! Also something I read early on in my fandom days, back when I was still lurking and delaying the inevitable development of a true hyper-fixation. 😆 This one-shot follows Sauron throughout RoP S1 as he encounters Galadriel, steadily following more in love with her despite his stubborn desire not to do so — at first. Spoiler alert: he falls fast. What I love about this fic is how intentional it feels; it breathes, if that makes sense, as Sauron, by his own estimation, is drawn to Galadriel and her light, "betrayed" by his human body and heart for wanting her as badly as he does; wanting to bask in her light and strength of will. And, don’t get me wrong — she wants him back, at least while she still knows him as Halbrand — but the intensity of his feelings, however mercurial, bursts onto the page and draws you in, too. The moments of tenderness, the blaze of lust and burgeoning love, then the angst, betrayal and desperate longing… it really runs the gamut of great. This fic may traverse familiar territory in the way of post-S1 plot, but every moment feels… dare I say? Precious.

Complete, Mature

Read the story.

Follow the author on Tumblr and AO3.

+++

The AU You Need to Immerse Yourself In Because, Well, Wow: The Venus of Valinor by @thecoziestbean

What you need to know going in:

When I saw this fic pop up (I think on Tumblr? I can’t recall) and read the summary, it was an immediate read + subscribe. This modern AU features Galadriel as art world royalty trying to protect a family secret — that many of the works in her family’s storied collection are straight-up fakes. (A shitty Feanor strikes again, friends.) How? By enlisting the help of the wily, way-too-sexy art thief Halbrand. A riff on the 60’s film How to Steal a Million (which I admittedly have not seen), this fic is in early days but already endlessly entertaining — and, not to mention, sexy. Get ready for deliciously flirty banter, a determined but slightly desperate Galadriel, and as always, a definitely morally dubious Halbrand. Where we go from here, I don’t know, but I’m very intrigued to find out.

WIP, Explicit

Read the story.

Follow the author on Tumblr, Twitter, and AO3.

+++

The Complete But Never Forgotten Masterpiece: It Will Come Back by @nocaptainonthisship

What you need to know going in:

Oh man, this fic. It broke me a little, but in the best way. It’s a modern AU that can also be described as a coffee shop AU, but that doesn’t encompass all this fic is and does. The premise is simple: Galadriel falls for her coworker/neighbor, Halbrand, and they begin a casual, toxic relationship that feels so achingly well-realized the angst and hurt will have a knot forming in your chest. The relationship bends and breaks in so many ways over the course of years, and delves into some dark places (so as always, mind the tags) but in an effort to not spoil anything, I’ll just say that it comes with an explosive, blisteringly satisfying ending that will haunt me. Immediate bookmark? Hell. Yes.

Complete, Explicit

Read the story.

Follow the author on Tumblr and AO3.

+++

The WIP That Will Wreck You (In the Best Way): i'm a sinking ship that's burning, so let go of my hand by @orcas86

What you need to know going in:

Can you tell I’ve been delving into more and more AUs lately (and loving it)? 🤣 Another gnawingly good entry from @orcas86, this modern AU sees Galadriel as a principal ballerina, subject to the meticulous and often mean eye (I’m so sorry, had to do it) of Halbrand, her company’s creative director. The two bite back and forth at each other in this twisted, intoxicating way, all while Galadriel is spiraling all on her own to feel something in the stifling world she’s stuck in (of her own making). This fic delivers on all the drama, jealousy, possessiveness and angst you could ask for — plus, scorching smut as always. 🔥

WIP, Explicit

Read the story.

Follow the author on Tumblr, Twitter, and AO3.

+++

The Can't Stop Consuming No Matter What Time It Is Fic: cause i'm mistaking honey for the bees by @alicuntisms

What you need to know going in:

Aaaand another modern AU that’s got me in a dirty, dark chokehold (which is why it’s impossible to not inhale upon reading, but again, mind those tags). This fic has Galadriel and Halbrand in college; her younger and admittedly more vulnerable, and him, a graduate student who becomes enraptured and unhealthily obsessed with her at a frat party and in the resulting aftermath — to the point that she gets caught in the maelstrom of his feelings for her: possessive, heady, and definitely boasting a mean, unpredictable edge. The toying with each other; the fickle, ceaseless push and pull between the two of them is seriously edge-of-your-seat, 👀👀👀 reading. And, again, the smut? Sinfully hot. 👌👌👌

WIP, Explicit

Read the story.

Follow the author on Tumblr and AO3.

+++

🤩🤩🤩

Me at all these fics:

Don’t see your story on this list yet? Keyword: yet. Please don’t fret! I can only recommend so many each week, but I am always looking for more stuff to read, share, and generally shower with love, so please feel free to reply with your own fics or your personal faves. I have plenty more to recommend… ❤️

Until next week!

[iamafanofcartoons]

Can you help me out with something? I started a Patreon with the intent of donating the money given to Rooster Teeth. Could you tell everyone you know about it?

Listen. I know who you are. I got sent a screenshot of a person on reddit who never commented since 2021 suddenly demanding on R/RWBY and R/FNKI that everyone donate to RT. I even saw that person pick a fight with a hardcore member of r/rwbycritics. But two one things were notable. One, their willingness to spam their donation idea across multiple subreddits, and their hot-headed anger at anyone not agreeing. You were banned from every RT-Affiliated subreddit you were doing this on, and then you deactivated your account. Now you come here and are spamming your new account to anyone being a rwby fan. There is positivity, there is defending RWBY, and then there is toxic positivity. By going as far as you do, you're going to drive other rwby fans away. This isn't what you should do. People aren't willing to raise a penny except for toxic youtubers spreading shit, or their favorite porn artists. Point is, Rooster Teeth has multiple ways of making money to finance V10, but Patreon is not going to work. Its going to be too much and is not feasible. May I suggest an alternative, if you're going to try spending your time here on tumblr? If you want to use YOUR Money to help promote RWBY? Look up Tumblr Blaze. I have used it to promote Trans Rights, Black Lives Matter, Feminism, and of course RWBY. If you want to use money to get people to see RWBY? Here on Tumblr, there are millions of people who can be reached with a mere $10. Best part is, it doesn't even have to be your own post. It can be somebody else's too. So...before you ask other people for THEIR money? Why not start spending your own first? To quote the saying "put your money where your mouth is"

Now, I am going to block you for harassing my peer Citadelofmythoughts. They want to see RWBY greenlit too. Do not assume that just because somebody won't take the steps you are, that makes them somehow an enemy.

Volumes 7-8 literally had ironwood as the plot device explaining how this was bad. Please learn from that.

[beedalee]

Hi tumblr, happy 2023 🎉

I love seeing posts being protective about feeling beholden to new years resolutions... The pressure of making every new year "the year I fix everything" is crushing and impossible. I am very beholden to these special dates & numbers. I'm trying not to be.

I do see the small values in it too though. I would like a few things in my life to change this year, because my time... is precious. I deserve to chase & achieve the things I want. I'm allowed to want them. I'm allowed to express myself. Even if I don't truly believe it, or reject it, or hide from it- it is true.

I pendulum swing between wanting to fix it all in a blaze of desperation so that I'm "allowed to" or "ready" to be present- to feeling like making myself smaller in this world with as little desire as possible is the best option with the least suffering.

You'd think with age I'd feel more sure somehow, but.. not at all. Of course young terrified me would look to "older, wiser" future me and hope for that. I'm trying to accept that young me isn't actually disappointed in current me. I am- and always will be- a terrible overthinker with an infinite cocktail of worries- and that's okay... but I don't want to be so overwhelmed by myself or my perceived faults all the time to the point I just let things slip away.

my desire for this year is to just let myself take up space again, happily, free of shame or guilt. That's the theme of my 2023. I owe it to myself.

[fizzingwizard]

Today on things I IMMEDIATELY turned off, lol...

But first, props to tumblr for at least making sure we all knew about the change, not just silently adding it and making some random tumblr user release a psa. And for making it customizable/easy to disable.

I get how this could be fun. I hate blaze, but if you've got cash to burn and you really think so-and-so's video of a hamster in a party hat is the funniest thing ever, sure, it's your money, waste it how you want. Better to throw some coins to tumblr for hamsters in party hats than treat us to more mainstream ad content.

Of course, out of all the blazed posts that have ended up on my dash, very few have been hamsters-in-party-hats worthy. Most have just been stuff I didn't care about or something mildly insulting. But maybe the hamsters-in-party-hats crowd just don't have money.

Biggest concern is whether you get to consent first to someone else choosing to blaze your post. Tumblr says if someone blazes our post we'll be informed, and have the option to cancel it. It's an opt out instead of opt in. That's what bugs me. I hate opt out. I'd rather that if someone wanted to blaze my post, I had to definitively say "Yes." What if someone blazes my post and I'm in the hospital and don't see it before it's live? You CAN pull it after, which is great, but why not skip that whole song and dance by requiring people to opt in before the post can go live?

Lol. I don't agree. But we'll see.

Also disagree. Blazing is not the same as reblogging. I can't control what other people reblog which ends up on my dash, but I CAN choose who I follow, and if their content becomes something I'm not interested in, I can unfollow them. Only way out of Blaze is to cough up money for ad-free browsing. A while ago I tried blocking blogs that put blazed posts on my dash, but the blazed posts continued to appear. Maybe that has been fixed, I don't know.

The sticking point really is a matter of consent. I've been on tumblr for ten years. I don't freaking remember most of what I posted back then. There's probably something embarrassing someone who really disliked me could dig up if they wanted to. If this option MUST be opt-out, then I wish at least all posts made before the change were opt-in only. If the approval process before someone is allowed to blaze your post is more robust than I anticipate, I won't mind as much though. Basically just let people have the MAIN say in whether or not their post gets blazed, instead of treating the informing of the OP like it's a courtesy.

Tumblr should keep in mind that a lot of original content here is diary-like, personal, meant for a small group of followers who feel comfortable with each other. It's not a site many people use to make their BRAND. That's ALSO one of the good things about tumblr - I don't sit around worrying about how fake everyone is like I do almost anywhere else. That's why I'm not interested in this feature. I can see it being used for good - blazing a gofundme for someone in need, for example - but I just don't want to wade through even more cringe I didn't ask for on my dash. Sigh.

Anyway, hopefully everyone who doesn't want this opts out without a hitch (for side blogs too).

[raxistaicho]

How is Edelgard the best unit gameplay-wise ? She's my favorite character but I don't know much about unit tier-listing and all that

I made a post on this ages back, here you go:

Reddit also went into it here.

Here's some fun quotes from that:

S Tier - incredibly she somehow has an even better early game than the S-tier Byleths thanks to higher strength, easy access to Weight-3, brainless Armor Knight certification, and good base Authority for early Blaze. Transitions to flight at lv 10 and never needs to look back. Galeforces her way through any problematic Part 2 maps thanks to the frankly ludicrous Raging Storm. Pound for pound might be the best unit in the game thanks to how much better and more centralizing she is than Dimitri in the early game.

Girlboss indeed.

Edelgard is also very good before she gets her hands on Aymr as well, her bases are among the best in the game, 13 base Str + 55% growth means she puts a massive dent to anything she attacks from the get go and can reliably ORKO with Brave Weapons later on. She has decent bulk, the best in her house along with Ferdinand though Petra is better at baiting speedier enemies since she won't get doubled, that being said Black Eagles don't have a dedicated tank and you'd be better off recruiting Balthus who can do the job better. Her Charm is among the best in the game which means her Gambits have high Accuracy and hits hard and she can dodge enemies Gambits more reliably than most units in your team.

Edelgard is hands down the best unit in this game. I’d be inclined to put her in a tier by herself in S+, but going by the rubric laid out by OP she is S tier.

Edelgard thoroughly dominates the early portion of the game with the best base strength among students and outstanding bases in other stats. Her middling base speed is easily fixed by her easy access to Wt-3 and later Darting Blow. She can also certify in Armor Knight for a cheeky defense boost. She is tanky as heck, never gets doubled, deals out huge damage, and her personal allows her to snowball quite dramatically. She can be argued as the best early game unit, although Dedue, Leonie, Dimitri, and the Byleths are competitive.

Mid game she still dominates although she has some competition. She will basically be the best of the female flying units. Death and Darting Blow, along with Weight -3 and Hit +20 make her a fearsome combat unit. She will double quite frequently and has good survivability on enemy phase.

But once Chapter 13 rolls around, it’s all over for every other unit. Raging Storm is either the #1 or #2 most busted thing in the entire game depending on how you feel about Warp. Edelgard can legitimately beat maps by herself once she gets this ability. It’s so good that I have to force myself not to use it sometimes because I don’t want to just solo the game with her. The fact that all part 2 maps are boss kill just makes her complete overkill in this game.

She is better than her stepbrother. Not his fault, just the way the game is designed favors a broken PP unit more than a broken EP unit. I will say that Edelgard needs more investment to be amazing than Dimitri does, but at the end of the day she is just flat better than him, to a degree where the higher investment doesn’t sway me.

Best unit in the game imo. At worst she's FByleth but with better boons/tutoring, meaning easier access to armor skills/classes and wyverns. She's one your best early game units, to the point that I still rate her highly in Silver Snow. And of course there's Raging Storm. Awakening Galeforce was way too broken; restricting it so only 1 unit can use it 5 times in a row clearly solves the problem right? The one weakness she may have is that she wants to rely on crit in order to kill with Raging Storm, especially against bosses, but Crest of Flames prevents her from using defiant crit more consistently.

Yes, she is better than Dimitri. Dimitri heavily relies on bwrath/vantage and is much weaker without it, and it's painfully apparent in HBD and even some of the later chapters. Even without Amyr, Edelgard is still FByleth with better boons. While her strength/speed growths may be lower, she's actually going to outdamage/outspeed Dimitri for a very long time thanks to her bases and easier access to strong skills/classes. May be a different story if more route objectives were present, but in reality many maps just require defeating the commander(s), which Edelgard excels very well at.

[persephones-journey]

Thanks to @emilyhufflepufftlk for the tag.

How many works do you have on AO3?

77.... So.... yeah....

2. What's your total AO3 wordcount?

Oh man... you are going to make me look at this.... okay...

1,674,575

Excluding the odd one shot I have posted here on tumblr but not on Ao3

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The Last Kingdom, House of the Dragon, Bridgerton, anything Ryan Corr has been in lol, ah, Supernatural, True Blood .... bascially most of my fave fandoms lol

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Targaryen Heart Set A Blaze

The Tales of the Complete Non-Legend of Yesterday

I Wanna Swim in You

Yes, Sex is Always the Answer

Fire, Blood, and A Strong Seed

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes. I love reading the comments and responding. It's how I have met some of my closest friends.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Well, the people who read them would say.... ALL OF THEM... but... probably for one shots You were All I Wanted, But Not Like This and for full length fics Nothing Lasts Forever

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Happy endings?.... what is this? LOL.... Kidding.... Ahh... Okay both are Aisling/Finan AU fics but... This Love Left A Permanent Mark and This Hope is Treacherous A couple other fics have good endings but these are probably what I think are the happy ending ones.... for now...

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yes, I have.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes. Sometimes it feels like all I write is smut LOL. And I have totally stopped blushing when I write it.... Okay, most of the time lol

As to what kind... ahh, I think I've written almost everything once.... maybe...

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Yes. I do. Craziest one.... The Last Kingdom and House of the Dragon, titled What Could've Been, Would've Been, Should've Been You

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so...

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yeah, back in the day... It was a Supernatural fic. I don't talk to the person anymore so....

14. What's your all time favourite ship?

Me/fave fictional character....

Also Finan/Ingrith is good too lol

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Four Warriors and the Bastard I've gotten distracted by everything else lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. My friend once told me I nail dialogue. Also creating OCs and making them feel real... I've been told...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Ah, everything not listed in strengths lol

Seriously though, probably emotion. Sometimes I find it so hard to put into words what my characters are feeling.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Finan's Irish is probably all wrong because I use Google Translate for it so.... that's my only thought lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Supernatural.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

That's like choosing who my favourite child is!.....

.....

Through the Dark

As much as Aisling and I could not agree on some plot points, that story felt so easy because... Aisling and Finan were themselves in it, you know. They had been married for a few years but they were still finding their way as a couple and of course, learning to trust their love for each other.

It's honestly the one I reread the most too lol

I tag: @bhxrdy @gemini-mama @butternutbran and anyone else who wants to do this...

[sigmastolen]

ok all my blaze campaigns have now ended and that, friends, was an interesting experience!

i paid for the smallest package for each one, 2500 "impressions" which is i guess what they call it when they shove the post onto someone's dash; because of the deal that was doubled, so each one had a goal of 5000 impressions. friends, every single one overperformed. they break down some of the stats for you afterward, including separating out "paid" impressions and engagement (when they put your post in someone's eyeballs) vs. "earned" impressions and engagement (when someone encountered/interacted with the post "in the wild" as it were -- bc another user had reblogged it of their own free will rather than having it inserted in the feed). even the paid impressions far outstripped the stated goal of 5000, sometimes by a couple thousand and sometimes by almost double.

now, just because 9000+ users see a post doesn't mean they will interact with it; for me, engagements were smaller by an order of magnitude or more, ranging from 88-261. that, too, was broken down into engagements with paid impressions vs earned impressions, plus every kind of engagement (share, reply, reblog, or like) was also broken out and broken down.

tumblr also tracks how many clicks you get from a blazed post, presuming there is a link in that post to click on, and how many people decide to follow you from the "follow" link on that post (i presume a follow would not get counted if the user clicked through to your blog first, though), again broken down by paid vs. earned. so like, i guess those metrics would be useful if i were approaching this from a marketing perspective or whatever, although of course in my case i don't give a fuck.

the campaigns also lasted well past the 24-hour mark, or at least that is my impression based on how long my notes were exploding, despite the to-the-minute timeframe laid out in both the approval and completion emails. anyway, i certainly don't want to experience this amount of attention all the time, but it was a pretty brilliant idea and it was fun to see everybody's blazed cats (and, idk, it warms my heart or eases my grief or gives me validation or something to see other people appreciating my guys). i'll reblog the posts i blazed after this, for the record and so y'all can see them too.

[booasaur]

Yeah, I'm planning on subscribing to Tumblr next time I'm paid.

In the meantime though, I never got the hostility to Blaze'ing. I love the hell out of it, I don't remember ever seeing a Blazed post that wasn't bonkers in a way I truly enjoyed and could not have anticipated. It feels like having a streaker run across a sports pitch! I love it and wish people would do it more.

Ah, nice! Of course if it's too tough, don't stretch yourself. If you want, hit me up off anon or DM and I'll gift it to you.

I didn't know there was hostility to Blazeing? I guess people felt like it was an ad or something forced on them? But the ones I saw that other people reblogged did seem fun.

I also didn't know there was an aversion to other features, because I did think it was neat that after Post+ came out and everyone hated the concept of a paywall, basically, they added tipping because then you could just voluntarily reward people for stuff that was already available and still people didn't use it? Aww.

[jjs-bitch]

promise | jj maybank

gif creds to it’s respective owner ! <3

SUMMARY: after confessing your feelings to your best friend in a swirl of emotions, resulting in probably the worst outcome you can imagine, you soon come to realize he was in just as much pain as you.

PAIRINGS: jj maybank x fem!pogue!reader , pope heyward x fem!pogue!reader (platonic)

WORD COUNT: 10.6k (she do be a long one, but it’s worth it)

WARNINGS: angst, fluff, depictions of smut

A/N: hello! this is the first imagine that i ever posted on tumblr. hope whoever reads this likes it, it's one of my favourites so i wanted to start off strong. grab a drink/snack and enjoy :) <3

☼ ☼ ☼

You sit frozen even under the blazing sun. You’ve buried your feet beneath the sand, gripping the couple seashells you caught while surfing in your hand until lines press into your skin. You try to focus on your burning soles or the sting from the shells, but his voice is too prominent in your ears to drown out.

“Y/N? Can you please listen, this is important.” JJ playfully nudges your arm and lingers his hand on your shoulder.

You quickly pull back from his touch and wrap your arms around yourself protectively, trying to pay no mind to the slightly confused expression that contorts his features. You’ve done enough overanalyzing with him to know that he doesn’t mean anything by these seemingly affectionate gestures. He never does.

“What, JJ. I’m not in the mood right now.” You sharply say, keeping your gaze on your black-painted toes sticking out from the sand. And it’s true. You really did not want to hear about all the ways JJ could ask Kiara out properly.

He huffs and rests his hands on his knees, still remaining seated on the towel next to you. “I just want your advice. What’s up with you today? You were fine this morning, and now you’re acting all irritated with me.”

Yeah, maybe because I couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore after seeing that stupid smile on your stupid face when Kiara kissed your stupid forehead at 7 in the morning. Or during school, seeing you pass notes in class and winking when phones clearly exist, like you just have to rub it in. Or after school at John B’s house watching you trying to braid her hair while the rest of us were doing homework. Or before we left for the beach as she rubs sunscreen all over your back, when that’s usually my job.

But of course, you didn’t say any of that.

“Whatever. Like you care.” You scoff and look up at the ocean, watching your friends laugh and push each other off their surfboards.

“I do care, Y/N. You’re my best friend, your opinion means the most to me.” He pauses for a moment and runs his hand through his golden hair. “Did I do something?”

Your heart clenches in your chest, and for a second you want to drop the angry act and hug him, comfort him and reassure him that he could do no wrong. That he was everything and more. But you had to block out your pain, and anger was just the emotion strong enough for the job.

You keep your stone cold glare, and manage to turn it towards him. He’s already looking at you, but not in the way he looks at Kiara before she notices. Not in the way where he looks at her and sees his purpose for existence. Not in the way you look at him.

Instead, he’s looking at you with a lost expression, brows furrowed in confusion, eyes asking for answers. As your glare locks into his soft pale blue eyes, he closes his mouth and looks away. At least he knows not to push you any further.

After an excruciating 10 minutes of sitting in awkward silence with nothing but the waves and seagulls, you hear Kiara’s melodic voice travel over the water and sand to reach your ears. “Ayo, JJ! Y/N! What are you guys doing? Get in the water before it gets too dark!”

Even the sound of her voice makes your ears hot with jealousy and your chest ache with pain. The worst part wasn’t even that she was the girl JJ held in his heart, it was the fact that she was also your best friend, and an absolute angel. She did nothing wrong, and you had no reason to feel so negatively towards someone as kind hearted as her. But the fact that she unknowingly took JJ from you was enough.

She’s waving her arms frantically to get you two’s attention, as if you don’t already see her. It makes you wanna flip her off, but JJ beats you to any action by laughing and standing up, the towel he was sitting on -- your towel -- still hooked in his arms. He throws the damp pink and green fabric around his neck before cupping his hands over his mouth to yell, “You got it, Kie! There’s a sick wave rolling in!”

You roll your eyes, and he notices, but still presses his lips together in a sad smile. “You coming or what, my angry girl?”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. You repeat this in your head over and over again before you dare to speak. ‘My angry girl’, he had said. Like you were his, like he was yours. Like you were his girl. But you weren’t, so why did he think it was okay to keep up with his little spur of the moment nicknames, when they so obviously had no ounce of affection behind them?

You stand up and grab your surfboard. JJ’s face lights up as he shoots you a bright smile, happy at the fact that you’re over whatever it was that was bothering you and are ready to finally have a good time.

But he was wrong. That’s not why you stood up and grabbed your things.

“Have fun.” You say coldly, clenching your teeth to prevent you from saying anything else, for you know that if you did you’d erupt into tears. You tighten your hold on your board, yank your towel from his shoulders, and turn on your heel to walk off the beach.

You can’t take the Twinkie back to your house, since that was John B’s car and the gang’s ride, and JJ knew that too. As you walk by the van, ready to take your walk home alone under the setting sun with just your bikini, towel, and board, you can’t help but hope that JJ will come after you, or call out your name. Just something to show that he doesn’t want you to leave, that he wants to find out what’s wrong, that he wants you safe with him.

But when you turn your head slightly over your shoulder to see if your thoughts have manifested into reality, you’re met with his sculpted back running towards the ocean, diving into the thrashing waves and tackling a laughing Kiara.

The salt dripping from your hair melts with the salt on your cheeks.

~ ~ ~

That night on the beach was only one out of many, many other occurrences in which you had to protect your bleeding soul from any more pain by ultimately being a bitch to the boy you’re in love with.

You didn’t always resort to hostility. There was a time where you would fake a smile and push aside any feelings for the sake of your relationship with JJ. But after a while, it all got too much. You remember the first time you felt any hint of insecurity.

It was about a year ago, a couple weeks after Kiara officially joined the gang by announcing she’s done with the kook academy and would now be spending all her time with you guys. You were so excited at first, for you guys hung out with her once in a while when she wasn’t trapped with the kooks, and now she would finally always be there. Of course, JJ hit on her when they first met, but you didn’t think much of it. He flirted with everyone.

But those feelings quickly got diminished when you and JJ were waxing your surfboards alone in John B’s shed. It was going well like it always did, and you were blushing like you always did when it was just you two. But then he said it, the first hint that he actually liked Kiara.

“It’s amazing that Kie is always here now, isn’t it?” He said, muscles flexing as he thoroughly waxed his white board.

You diverted your gaze away from his arms to see him smiling aimlessly, though you doubted it was directed at the task at hand.

“Oh, uh. Yeah. She’s great,” You replied honestly.

JJ looked up at you, the same smile on his face. “It’s so much better with her here.”

It’s so much better with her here.

Those words have never left your mind since he said them a whole sun’s revolution ago, and it still bothers you all the same. How could he say that, after only 2 weeks of her being there? How could he say that, when you were the one who’s been his best friend since you were kids, before John B or Pope? How could he say that, when he should be feeling that way about you?

Overtime, it got worse.

When you showed up at his house, backpack in hand filled with you two’s favourite snacks and his favourite alcohol, ready to go for your normal weekend hike. “Oh shit, sorry Y/N. I told Kie I’d go surfing with her today. Next week though, yeah?” And he kissed your cheek, like he always did since he was 10. But, the hikes stopped.

At the bonfires when you reached for the red solo cup in his hand, and he pulled it away, laughing. “Oh-- This is for Kiara. Vodka cran. Can you believe that? So ridiculous.” But he smiled admirably the whole time. Usually he got you a drink, so you were used to just reaching for it. He still did get you drinks now, but only after Kiara got hers.

At Midsummers, when you were so excited to show him your red dress that you picked specifically because he said he liked it when walking past a store window. But of course Kiara walked in a second after you in her beautiful silky purple dress. “Wow, look at you.” JJ had said, and you prayed that he meant you, but when you looked up he was practically ogling at the glowing goddess next to you. Kiara laughed and told him to shut up, to which he grinned back and linked his arm with hers. “Shall we, you kook?” He jokingly said. As they were walking out of the hallway and into the party, leaving you behind, Kiara was the one who asked if you were coming. JJ didn’t say a word to you the whole night about your dress.

And the rest of the year was all a blur from there, just the obvious favouritism and admiration of her whenever the pogues hung out. You didn’t even want to think about what went on when it was just JJ and Kiara. And now that John B had Sarah, you felt even more forgotten than ever. Little did you know that there was one certain nerdy boy left in your friend group who was more similar to you than you thought.

~ ~ ~

It was now about a month after the beach, and the second last week of school before the summer. You were all sitting in second period, the class before lunch, working on review before the exams that would take place next week.

Not only were you stressed from school, since you haven’t really given it much thought recently, but today you were just extra irritable. You were tired, insecure, upset, and trying to memorize these goddamn history facts.

You were biting your nails and bouncing your leg at a very fast pace when you felt a wad of paper hit your head. You freeze and clench your jaw. You know exactly where that came from. You slowly turn around and see JJ awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

“Sorry, Y/N. Can you pass that to Kie? She’s too far from me,” He whispers, slightly leaning forward.

You’ve had enough.

You pick up the note and don’t even bother to read what’s on it. Instead, you get up to your feet and throw it right back at him, hard. He’s a bit startled as it hits his chest, and he looks up at you, bewildered.

“Give it to her yourself,” You spit, clenching your fists. “And fuck off.”

People in the class are looking at you, including your friends, but you couldn’t care less. John B mouths ‘what the fuck?’ at you, Kiara is staring at you wide-eyed, and JJ just… JJ just looks sad. You make eye contact with Pope, but he isn’t looking at you like some freak, like everyone else. He’s looking at you with kind eyes. He sends you a sad, knowing smile that sofly curves his lips. You almost tear up looking at him, and you aren’t even sure why. Why was he looking at you like that?

Your thoughts are interrupted when your teacher calls your name. “Y/N, excuse me! Wh--”

You cut him off by raising your hand. “Yea, sir, I know. I’m leaving.” You leave the classroom without another word, leaving your friends and peers looking after you, confused.

~ ~ ~

Later that night as you lie lazily on your couch, scrolling aimlessly through your phone, you get a text from John B.

JB: Hey psycho

You roll your eyes and swipe the message away. A couple minutes later, you get more.

JB: That was a joke

I’m kidding

You’re not actually a psycho

Well… sometimes

To stop him from spamming you anymore, you groan and reluctantly text him back.

Y/N: holy shit what do u want

JB: Ah there she is

Come to the Chateau

Y/N: no

JB: Okay well first of all rude

Second of all I already sent JJ to get you

You shoot up in bed, breathing heavy. Are you fucking kidding me? Boys are so goddamn stupid sometimes.

Y/N: john b, NO.

seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

JB: Woah, why you getting mad at me for?

Y/N: were you not in class today?

JB: Yeah, we all were. Pretty sure the whole school knows about your outburst towards... You know. Your best friend? Who’s coming right now? And will be there in 2 minutes?

You couldn’t even text him back, with how mad you were. Why couldn’t they understand you wanted to be alone? You were clearly upset, and they wouldn’t respect your space. Maybe if you got upstairs before JJ showed up, you could avoid this whole thing--

“Y/N, it’s JJ.”

You sigh and look towards your glass door. JJ is there, hands in pockets and red backwards hat keeping the hair away from his face. He’s looking at you with an unreadable expression. Well, there goes your plan to just hide away from the world.

You don’t move, and remain seated on the couch, crossing your arms and looking down at your feet.

“Can you please come outside?” He says through the screen. His voice is so fragile, as if trying to be careful not to overstep and get you more upset. It makes you want to cry.

“Universe, be with me.” You mumble to yourself as you weakly get up from your spot and make your way to the door. He steps back a bit to give you some space as you step outside. The cool night breeze quickly nips at your bare stomach and arms, as you’re only in a black crop top and jean shorts. You wrap your arms around yourself and force yourself to look up at him.

He purses his lips together before pulling his grey sweatshirt over his head, leaving him only in a white tank top. He holds it out to you.

Your heart swells at him noticing your slight chill, and for a moment you were about to take it from him. Your fingertips barely graze the soft fabric as the scent of his cologne, sea water, and cocoa butter already reaches your nose. But then you remember two nights ago, when you were all hanging out in your backyard by the fire. Kiara was still cold, so JJ gave her his sweater. It was a different one, but still. You won’t be the second choice.

You shake your head and retract your hand to hug yourself tighter, looking out at the road. Anywhere but his eyes.

You hear him sigh, “Just take the sweater, Y/N. I know you’re upset with me, but it’s cold. I can see you shivering.”

“What would Kiara think if she saw me in your sweater?” You surprise yourself.

“What?” He asks, confused. “I… I don’t know. I don’t think it would matter.”

“Yeah,” You scoff, “Of course you don’t.” He’s so oblivious to everything. It must be nice to live in a world of ignorance, not knowing who you’re hurting or what you’re doing wrong.

A few moments of silence go by between you two, so you decide to just start walking to the Chateau. You quickly walk down the steps and onto the side road. JJ catches up with you shortly after, and you two walk side by side.

About halfway there, he breaks the silence once again. “Y/N, please.”

“Please what, JJ?” You mutter, trying to sound uninterested.

“Please tell me what I did.” You notice him looking at you through your peripheral vision but force yourself to keep looking straight ahead. “It’s killing me.”

You bite down on your tongue. It’s hard to believe that he’s so affected by you distancing yourself from him. “Why?” You ask, though it wasn’t really a question. “You have Kiara, you don’t need me.”

He lets out a dry, fed up laugh, “Y/N, I don’t understand! Why do you keep bringing up Kiara when I’m trying to talk about you?”

“It’s so much better with her here, isn’t it?” You quote, voice slightly shaking at the end as you finally look at him.

At first his eyes are blank, searching for meaning behind your words. But after a bit, you see the gears lock in place.

“I--” He starts, “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I know that, JJ? Because it sure seems like it. You’re completely obsessed with her. It’s like I don’t exist.” You feel the familiar sting of tears cloud up your vision. “So you should be grateful I’m no longer getting in your way.”

“Grateful? Y/N, did you not hear me? It kills me. Every time you look at me like you don’t want me there, it kills. Every time you push my hand away, it kills. Every time you walk right past me without so much as a glance in my direction, it kills.”

You quickly wipe your eyes. You will not break in front of him. Stay strong, Y/N. Rage over pain. “Yeah, well. Now you know how I’ve felt this whole year.”

“What do you mean?” He asks, raising his voice. “I’ve never treated you the way you’re treating me.”

You halt in your tracks, looking at him with wide eyes. You feel like you’re going to throw up. “Are you fucking kidding me?” You yell. He’s visibly surprised at your outburst. “You haven’t been treating me like shit? Really? You’re gonna say that with your whole chest?”

He starts to shout back at you, “No, I haven’t! Okay, maybe I should have paid more attention to you… Or-- or, or not cancelled so many plans. But I never treated you like I didn’t want you around, I always want you around!”

“Well, you did JJ! You fucking did! You don’t have to roll your eyes at me or push me away to tell me I’m not important to you anymore. Just giving all your energy to someone else says enough. Recently I’ve only been seeing you when the whole gang would hang out, because the rest of the time you’re fucking Kiara!” You scream, voice cracking as you finally let the angry tears escape your eyes.

You turn and start to quicken your pace, but he doesn’t let you go far. You feel his hand grab your arm and pull you back towards him.

“Y/N, seriously! For fucks sake! What the actual fuck are you talking about!?” He shouts, tightening his grip. “I’m not fucking Kiara!”

Your skin burns from the pressure of his fingers digging into your skin, “I bet you wish you were, though.” You grit out, yanking your arm away from him. You feel the pulsing of flesh from where his nails just were.

“Why should it even matter if I was, anyway? It’s not like me and you are together.” He clenches his jaw.

For a moment, you’re at a loss for words. How can you say anything else without giving it away even more that you were hopelessly in love with him? He was right, you weren’t together. If only he knew that was the reason for your pain all along. There was absolutely no way he didn’t at least have an idea that you loved him, after all the fighting and obvious jealousy.

You had nothing to lose.

“Yeah, we aren’t together.” You swallow and brace yourself for the worst possible outcome. “But we could be. Should be.” No going back now. The words left your raw throat and were now spoken out into the universe.

For the first time since you’ve met him, JJ was speechless.

You couldn’t take it anymore, just him staring at you in complete shock. What was he thinking? Did he absolutely hate you for ruining the dynamic between you two? Did he want to turn around and never see you again? Could he… Could he possibly, even a tiny sliver of him, feel the same way?

You decided to put the ball in his court. “Come on, JJ. Don’t act like you didn’t know. Even if it was just a little part of you.”

He remained quiet for a few more seconds before finally opening his mouth. “Y/N…”

“You knew.” You spit out, glaring at him. “I know you did.”

“I… I thought the reason you were mad at me was just because I was neglecting you. I honestly didn’t think it was because you--” He stopped himself, as if trying to find the right words. “Because you liked me.”

You sigh and look down at your hands, twisting your rings around your fingers. “I don’t just like you, JJ.” You truly had no idea why you were being so bold, before you would have sworn on your grave that you would never let him find out. But there’s only so much hurt a person can take before they crumble.

You look up at his apprehensive face. He looks almost… scared. Scared of you saying it and making it real. But you can't protect anyone's feelings anymore, you’ve been doing that too long. You take a deep breath, and look at his doubtful ocean eyes.

“I love you.”

He sucks in a breath, and to your surprise, you see red rimming the whites of his eyes. “Why, Y/N?” He cracks, “Why did you have to say that?”

“Because it’s true,” You weakly confess, tasting tears on your tongue.

“No, no, no. Fuck,” He gasps out and takes off his hat to run his hands through his hair.

“I’m in love with you, JJ.”

“Jesus Christ, Y/N.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“You can’t make me take it back. It’s how I feel.”

“But why-- Fuck, Y/N. Why are you telling me this now?” He asks, a pained tone in his voice.

You frown at him, wondering what he’s getting at, “What do you mean?”

“I mean-- you couldn’t have told me this before?! Like, not even a few months ago?!”

“I don’t… I don’t understand how that would have changed anything.”

“It--” He turns around so that he’s no longer facing you and throws his head into his hands. Then, very quietly that you think you might’ve imagined it, he says, “It would have.”

The slight rustle of trees in the background seem deafening in your ear as you stand watching his back.

Then your whole world falls on you, crushing you deep into the earth’s core and sucking all the life from you.

“But it doesn’t anymore.” JJ says as he turns back to you, eyes red and watery.

“I don’t understand,” You whisper softly, so gentle that you see JJ’s face mould into a painful expression at the sound of it.

He takes a step forward and slowly wipes the tears from under your eyes where they have spilt many times before. Then, he presses his forehead against yours, keeping his hands on your face. “I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.” He murmurs. “I’m sorry that I didn’t realize sooner. I’m sorry that you didn’t tell me when you first felt it.”

You choke on a sob, “I first felt it as soon as I met you, as kids, when you accidentally stepped on my sandcastle.”

“No,” He shakes his head against yours, “No. That’s not when you first felt it. You couldn’t have loved me all that time.”

“Yes, it was.” You retract a bit so that his hands are still on your face, but you’re looking at each other. “I have loved you before I even knew what it was.”

He looks as if he’s restraining himself from saying something. The veins in his neck protrude through his smooth skin.

“What did you mean,” You continue, “when you said it would have changed things if I told you sooner?”

He lets go of you, and you feel like collapsing.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. That’s the problem, Y/N. I…” He looks down, away from your eyes. “I have feelings for Kiara now.”

“N-Now?” Your throat trembles. “What do you mean, ‘now’? You didn’t before?”

He ignores your question. “She kissed me. I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend tonight. It’s… it’s what I was asking you at the beach before you stormed off.”

He doesn’t say anything else as you slowly walk to the Chateau. You don’t say anything either, because you can’t. There’s nothing else for you to say. Your face is frozen in a pained expression, the tears in your eyes stuck in place, neither going away nor spilling. You keep your eyes on the ground beneath your worn out running shoes, hands still rubbing slow circles on your arms.

As you reach the house, before making your way to the backyard where the pogue’s voices were heard, JJ turns toward you. “Y/N--”

“Don’t, JJ.” You quip. “Just don’t say anything else, and neither will I. I promise. I’ll leave it alone.”

He clenches his teeth, and nods once. Then he takes your hand and places his grey sweatshirt into it. “Just take the sweater, Y/N. Please.”

You swallow, feeling the walls of your throat scratch painfully together from trying not to cry. And you nod.

~ ~ ~

It’s half past 11. John B is inside with Sarah, failing miserably at making cookies. JJ and Kiara have snuck off to who-knows-where. You didn’t know where they ran off to, you only knew it was somewhere in the forest behind the house since before they left your sight hand-in-hand, JJ met your eyes with an unreadable look. So now it was just you swaying pathetically in the hammock, staring at the remnants of the dying fire. In a way, you were grateful this awkward night was finally at an end. It was harder than you thought to pretend that the conversation with JJ didn’t happen, and to avoid the looks you two would send each other. You thought for sure that your friends must have noticed, but if they did, they didn’t show it.

As you were wondering what JJ and Kiara were doing, and how John B and Sarah’s cooking was going, you realized you had no idea where Pope was. That was, until you felt someone climb into the hammock beside you.

“Hey.” It was Pope.

You open your tired eyes and manage to smile at him, “Hey, Pope.”

He smiles back and gets more cozy beside you in the hammock. You two just sit listening to the crackling of the fire and the faint sound of Sarah’s laughter from inside the house. The peace is quickly interrupted when you hear the fire alarm go off in the distance.

You and Pope burst out into laughter as you hear John B’s frantic screams and Sarah’s panicked orders.

“They’re a mess,” You giggle.

“Yeah, they are.” Pope agrees. “They’re perfect for each other.”

“So, uh,” You clear your throat, “What happened after I left school today?”

“Well, the class was kinda quiet for a second, but then teach just yelled at us to keep doing our work so… It was forgotten about pretty quickly.”

You nod, thankful that it wasn’t made a big deal. “Thank you for not looking at me like I lost my mind. I know I’ve not been myself recently… or like, the past few months… but still. Everyone just kind of looked at me like I had two heads when I blew up at JJ.”

Pope nudges your arm with his shoulder, “I understand you, that’s why.”

You look at him, “Huh?”

He purses his lips as he contemplates continuing, but he does. “JJ.”

That’s all he says. That’s all he needs to say for you to understand what he means.

You let out a defeated scoff as you play with the sleeves of JJ’s sweatshirt that you were wearing, “Well, apparently everyone knew but him.” You shake your head, trying to rid yourself of the painful thoughts. “How do you understand how I feel, anyway?”

He shifts his gaze towards the forest, a sad look fogging his dark eyes.

And it hits you. All those times you were focused on JJ with Kiara, you forgot to pay attention to Pope, and where he was during all of this.

- -

“Oh shit, sorry Y/N. I told Kie I’d go surfing with her today. Next week though, yeah?” JJ had said. Later that day, you went to get coffee with Pope, who told you that he asked Kiara to study with him, to which she said she had plans.

“Oh-- This is for Kiara. Vodka cran. Can you believe that? So ridiculous.” JJ had said. 10 minutes later, Pope offered Kiara a drink, to which she said she already had one and gestured to the cup in her hand.

“Wow, look at you.” JJ had said. “Shall we, you kook?” Pope had told you he liked your dress, but he was looking at Kiara dancing with JJ. You had told him you liked his suit, but you were looking at JJ dancing with Kiara.

- -

“Kiara,” You say, coming out of your flashbacks. Pope simply nods, looking embarrassed. You let out a sarcastic laugh, “Why does everyone like Kiara?”

He snorts and rebuttals, “Why does everyone like JJ?”

You both chuckle, though it leaves a melancholic tone in the air. You lean your head against his shoulder, to which he returns the gesture and rests his head on top of yours. You try to only focus on your best friend next to you, trying to find comfort in the fact that someone else shares your pain.

As the hammock stills and your breathing levels, you fall asleep holding on to your best friend who you’ve really underestimated all this time.

~ ~ ~

“Ow, what the fuck!?”

You jolt up from the hammock at the sound of Pope’s screech, as he frantically looks around to see who threw an empty beer can at his head. You rub your eyes to adjust to the burning morning sun blaring through the tree leaves, and your blurry vision finally locks onto a tall, lean figure.

As your gaze finally clears, you notice it’s JJ standing over you two. He has another beer can in his hand, and he’s looking at Pope with a clenched jaw.

“Morning,” JJ says dryly and throws another can at Pope. “You two sleep well?”

“Would you stop-- Ow, what the hell man?” Pope flinches and swipes the empty cans onto the grass.

You groan and massage your head at all the commotion. You might’ve drank more than you thought last night in an attempt to numb your feelings. Pope notices, and relaxes his posture a bit as he puts a hand on your back and rubs comfortingly. “Shit, sorry Y/N. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks Pope,” You kindly smile at him and put your face in his neck to block out the brightness. “Ugh, I’m so fucking tired.”

“Why don’t I take you home then.” JJ quickly says and steps towards you guys. He grabs your chin and pulls you to face him and off of Pope.

“JJ, stop!” You hiss as a sharp pain shoots from your head down to your stomach. You feel like you’ll throw up if you move too much.

“Yeah, man. Just let her relax,” Pope agrees and soothingly pats your hair. “You’re hurting her.”

As you get settled against Pope again, you mumble, “Yeah, he does that a lot.”

Pope awkwardly presses his lips into a line at your comment and looks at JJ for a split second -- who swallows and looks down -- before lying down against you again.

“Seriously, Y/N.” JJ sighs and gently presses his fingers against your arm. “You’ll feel better if you sleep in your own bed.”

“What’s the problem, JJ? She’s fallen asleep here many times before, most of the time with you.” Pope mumbles and puts his hat over his head to cover his eyes from the sun.

“What time is it, anyways?” You ask as you weakly reach for your phone in your short pockets. The dim screen reads 6:47 am. You groan, “Are you fucked, JJ? It’s not even 7 am and you’re waking us up? It’s fucking Saturday.” When he doesn’t say anything, you continue, “Besides, where’s Kiara?” You feel Pope stiffen beside you.

You hear JJ shuffle his feet as he stands. “Uh… She’s--”

“I’m disappointed, guys.” Kiara’s voice is heard coming into earshot. “Empty beer cans in the grass? Have I taught you nothing?”

You don’t even bother to say anything back, and instead turn your whole body completely over so that you are fully facing Pope. As if thinking the same thing, Pope turns as well and throws his arm around you both, providing ultimate protection from the brightness -- and the two people who broke each of your hearts.

You sense Kiara picking up the cans, and she says, “Oh wow, look at them.” She laughs, “What happened last night guys…?” She asks suspiciously, yet a playful tone is tinged on her lips.

You decide to play along with her suspicions, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” You say against Pope’s shirt. He chuckles and whispers ‘nice’ in your ear so low that you know no one else heard it.

“What did he say?” JJ asks, sounding irritated. When Kiara says she didn’t hear, he asks again, “Pope, what did you say? Y/N?”

“He said he wants you to go away,” You lie. Pope snorts.

“We’re trying to sleep,” He adds.

“Okay, J. I need you to drive me home,” Kiara says.

“J? Is it that hard for you to say an extra letter?” You sarcastically quip, earning yet another laugh from Pope.

“Uh… Okay…” Kiara says in a confused tone. “Don’t know what that was.”

“Y/N,” JJ begins.

“Seriously J, let’s go, my parents are gonna kill me.” Kiara continues.

“Yea, J. You’ve got somewhere to be,” Pope says.

“Shut up, Pope,” JJ snaps. “Y/N, meet me at the country club after my shift at 5 tonight, yeah?”

You throw your free arm around Pope. “Can’t. Me and Pope have plans.”

“Okay, bye guys.” Kiara says, and no more is heard from either of them.

After a few moments of just listening to the morning ocean waves and chirping birds, Pope slightly lifts his head. “Are they gone?”

“I think so,” You inquire and sit up as well. As you both sit up from your position on the hammock and notice it was indeed just you two, you breathe out and rub your temples. “Jesus. Do you have any idea what the actual fuck that was?”

Pope sighs and gets up, stretching. “No idea. JJ was acting weird as hell. Why did he… throw freaking beer cans at me to wake me up? And only me, not you?”

“Fuck if I know,” You let out a puff of air through your cheeks, “Why were they up before 7 in the morning anyways?”

“Yeah I know, and the fact that he wanted you to leave so badly.” He pauses. “Could that… maybe mean something, do you think?”

You quickly shake your head, “Pope, don’t even try to give me false hope. The little gestures he does never mean anything. Like, he still kisses me on the cheek for fucks sake.”

“Still? From when you were, like, 10 years old?” Pope asks, and you nod, throwing your arms up in defeat. He continues, “Well, if he really asked Kiara to be his girlfriend last night, it’d be weird if he still did that, right?”

“I guess so…” You chew your lip. “Whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it. So, what are our plans?”

“Oh right,” Pope laughs. “I forgot for a second that we were ‘busy’ tonight. How about the new book store that just opened?”

“Sounds perfect,” You grin, and intertwine your arm with his as you walk back to the Chateau to get some breakfast. You would have no idea what to do if you didn’t have Pope with you, standing by your side throughout it all.

~ ~ ~

The next month goes by more or less the same way. John B and Sarah completely in love and oblivious to it all, JJ and Kiara kind-of together (you weren’t exactly sure what was going on there), and you and Pope spending most of the time that the gang wasn’t hanging out with each other, since you were the only ones who understood one another. It provided a good distraction from the pain. For instance, every time you saw Kiara grab onto JJ’s hand and you felt that emptiness in your chest, you looked at Pope, who understandably smiled at you. The same pain was evident in his eyes, and you were reminded that you were going to watch a crime documentary with him later on. That’s how you both held on. Distractions and friendship.

There were so many nights that ended with you crying in Pope’s arms, the movie playing quietly in the background. Or Pope falling asleep in your lap after hours of venting to you about his feelings toward Kiara. Or silent coffee runs where you would just sit in each other's pain. But it was at least a bit better than before. At least you both had someone to help with the aches, to hold your hand or hug you when you needed to be loved.

You didn’t believe that the pain would ever go away, that you would ever heal. Not as long as JJ wasn’t yours. But at least you had something to hold on to.

One night, in the middle of June, you and Pope were sitting on the beach. You guys were in a special spot that he didn’t know about. Around the rocks, on the right side by the hill, there was a patch of sand that led to an opening on the beach. A perfect spot for anything... surfing, swimming, or even chilling on the sand. It was completely hidden from the rest of the world, like it’s own enclosure. You guys decided to hang out after you overheard Kiara talking about bringing JJ by The Wreck to ‘officially’ meet her parents.

“Why didn’t we ever come here before? It’s so nice.” Pope says, leaning back on his arms.

You look out into the ocean, admiring the moon’s reflection on the still water. You shrugged, “It was me and JJ’s spot. We found it when we were 12 years old, never showed anyone.”

You close your eyes to prevent tears from forming as you remember all your favourite memories that took place here.

- -

12 years old. You accidentally fell off a rock while climbing. You closed your eyes, expecting to crack your skull, but luckily landed on a soft surface. “Y/N! Oh my god oh my god oh my god…” You hear young JJ’s frantic voice call after you from the other side. You rub your lower back and groan, “Here, JJ! Behind the twisty rocks! I’m okay!” Soon, JJ’s 12 year old head popped up from behind the rocks, a worried expression on his face, and you smiled at him. “Woah,” he had said, “You found the most perfect place ever. I can hide my dad’s weed here!” You rolled your eyes, “JJ!” He climbed over and joined you in the patch. “What? For when we’re older, stupid.”

13 years old. First time he told you about his dad. You tried to hug him, but he brushed you off and said he was fine. When he noticed you got a little sad at his action, he kissed your cheek -- like he always did -- and said, “Thanks, Y/N. I got you for life, remember that. I won’t ever let anyone do to you what my dad does to me.”

14 years old. He was finishing his second joint of the day, and decided to try and go surfing. You could see his bruised knuckles gripping his board from when he punched Topper Thornton in the face because he called you trash. “JJ, no. You’re not going surfing while high. You can’t even walk in a straight line. We only started smoking this year, we’re not used to it yet.” But he only ruffled your hair and ran towards the water, almost tripping on his feet. You weren’t that good at surfing yet, let alone at night and under influence, so you decided to watch from the shore. After a while, you noticed you couldn’t see him anymore, and this spot was a completely different section from the rest of the beach, hidden behind rocks and hills. No one could see or help if he didn’t come back. You started to cry and call out for him, screaming bloody murder into the night. After a few minutes, you ran into the water to get help, completely getting all your clothes wet, your badly done eyeliner smudging down your eyes. Suddenly, you felt someone grab your arm. You screamed, and were met with a hysterically laughing JJ. “Holy shit! Did you see that!? That was fucking awesome!” You let out a choked sob and hugged him tightly, the angry night waves kicking harshly against your legs. “Woah, Y/N, why are you crying? I’m fine, I just fell off the board.” But he hugged you back. “I’m right here. It’s okay.”

15 years old. You had recently been feeling all sorts of new… emotions and sensations. Ones that you didn’t understand yet. Like what that weird feeling in your stomach was when JJ would put his hand on your thigh. Or why you had to squeeze your legs together when he whispered in your ear. Or why, right now, you sat up straight in the sand and held your breath as he laid his head in your lap. You tried not to look at his shirtless body that was lying down literally on top of you. It was now sculpting into something different than it had been all the other years you’d known him, and you’d definitely noticed. You wondered if he noticed your body blossoming as well, how your chest was filling into its shape, and your curves got more accentuated. You wondered if he felt the same way when you touched him. As all these thoughts churned in your mind, you started to run your fingers through his hair and continue reading your book to stop your mind from thinking, but after less than a minute, his eyes shot open as he lifted his head off your thighs and hunched over. “Uh--” He had started, standing up quickly and walking towards the water, keeping his back turned on you and arms in front of him, “I’m gonna go for a quick swim.” You sat there for 10 minutes wondering what happened until he came back. “I’m just gonna… sit here for now.” He sat about an arms length away from you, giving you a weird smile and sitting in an awkward position.

16 years old. You two jumped off the rocks and ran into the patch, holding hands and laughing. He helped you off the last of the rocks by grabbing your waist and catching you from your mini-fall. You heard the kooks calling after you from the other side, but you lost them. No one could find this spot unless they knew where to go. “I can’t believe we just did that,” You laughed, resting your hands on your knees and trying to catch your breath. “Those fucking kooks deserved it, it’s not like they use it anyways, it‘s just sitting there collecting dust in their storage container. It’s a tragedy. I’m so proud of you.” He cheered as you handed him the keys you stole from Sarah Cameron’s beach bag. You heard Rafe’s voice in the distance yelling that he was going to kill you both, and you just laughed harder. “I’m finally gonna know what it’s like to drive that beauty of a boat.” He said and pulled you towards him, spinning you in a circle. “To going full kook, baby girl!” He shouted in bliss, laughing. “To going full kook!”

17 years old. A couple months after Kiara had fully joined the friend group. You two were sitting on your surfboards in the water, talking about anything and everything as the sun began to set. As you watched the orange and pink skies turn the water into a deeper navy, you noticed him staring at you. “We haven’t been here much lately,” He said, “It used to be our go-to spot”. You looked at him, how the golden hour poured beautifully onto his skin, illuminating the blue of his eyes. “It’s not going anywhere.” You said in return. He dipped his hand into the water and splashed you. “I’m serious, Y/N. I miss this.” He jumped off his board and swam over to you. He placed his hands on your board at either side of your hips and pulled himself up between your legs, smiling at you. “Don’t forget about this spot, ever. And don’t show anyone else. This is only ours.” You bit the inside of your cheek, feeling very nervous as his nose brushed yours. “I won’t.” You said. He pressed his nose against yours, “Promise?” You chuckled and pushed him back into the water. When he emerged from the dark water, laughing, you smiled softly at him and held out your pinky. He interlocked his own, and you said, “Promise.”

- -

Now you are both 18 years old, and you haven’t been here once. Instead, you were here with Pope. Guilt immediately consumed you as soon as you remembered that last memory. You had promised him that you would show no one else this spot, and here you are. With someone that isn’t him.

“It’s fine. He probably took Kiara here a million times already,” Pope says, as if he could read your mind. “Besides, I’m glad we’re here. I had to leave the Chateau as soon as I saw them looking like they were about to makeout.”

You close your eyes and slightly shake your head, as if to brush the image out of your mind. Then suddenly, you say, “We should kiss.”

Pope looks at you with wide eyes, “What?”

You laugh, “Relax. It’s just for fun. Everyone else is going around and kissing each other, so why can’t we?”

He smiles at you and wipes some sand off his legs. “True, I guess there’s no problem with that. Except for the fact that we’ll still be in pain.” He laughs, sadly.

“Yeah well, beggars can’t be choosers.” You grin and turn towards him as he does the same. You robotically place both hands on the side of his face, and he mimics your action on your waist. You both struggle to keep in your laughter as you lean in. “Okay, how ‘bout this?” You say, “I pretend you’re JJ, and you pretend I’m Kiara.”

Pope lets out a laugh and says, “Deal.”

And then you were pressing your lips against his. You didn’t move or anything, just simply lingering on each other’s mouths. You tried to envision JJ, but you couldn’t. No matter how hard you tried to distract yourself, all you could think about was the fact that you were here kissing someone who wasn’t him, in the spot that was supposed to be only for you two. You felt some salt on your lips between you and Pope, and you honestly weren’t sure who it belonged to.

You are about to pull away and talk about how stupid this was, when a certain voice chills your blood to ice.

“Y/N? What the fuck?”

You whip around and get to your feet quickly, heart practically pounding out of your ribcage. “JJ,” You breathe, quickly wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. Within seconds, Pope is up by your side as well.

“Are you--” The clouds fold over in the sky and open up a space for the moon to shine through, landing on his perfect face. “Are you fucking serious?”

His voice was trembling and his fists were clenched tightly by his sides.

“JJ, what are you doing here?” You ask, moving your hair away from your wet face.

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here?’ What the fuck is he doing here?!” He yells, throwing out an arm to gesture to Pope.

“He--” You start.

“This is our spot! That we’ve had since we were 12 fucking years old! Or have you been too busy with Pope to remember?” You could have sworn he was crying. If he was, he was very good at hiding it. “And not only do you bring someone else here, but you kiss him too?”

You straighten your back as if you are about to break. “Why should it matter? If I bring someone or kiss them, why does it fucking matter anymore, JJ?!”

He makes his way over to you, looking so angry. He is standing right in front of you, so close you could feel his hot breath on your face.

You don’t let him get another word in yet, “Don’t act like you haven’t brought your girlfriend here before!”

“I don’t have a fucking girlfriend!” He yells in your face. “Even if I did, I would never bring her here, or anyone else!”

Both you and Pope stiffen, and you subtly look at each other. He looks just as confused as you.

“But… But you and Kiara--”

“We’re not together! And you would know that if you actually still came here!”

“What do you mean?!” You shout back, head pounding. “You don’t make any sense!”

He angrily runs his hands over his face, and you could practically see the frustration oozing out of him. “I’ve been coming here every day, Y/N! Every fucking day since our fight last month. And you haven’t showed once.”

“You asshole! That’s not fair!” You push his chest, but he only stumbles back slightly. “How was I supposed to know that?! You were always with Kiara!”

He scoffs, dryly. “Bullshit. If you weren’t too busy always running off with Pope, you’d see how desperate I was to speak to you.”

“And if you weren’t that much of a pussy and actually told me that you wanted to talk--”

“And if you just told me how you felt about me before all this shit happened then--”

“Oh, fuck you!” You scream, pushing him once again, this time much harder so that he actually has to stop himself from falling. Pope tries to grab your hand to calm you down, but you pull away from him. “Fuck you! Do you know how fucking scared I was that you didn’t feel the same way? Every girl that looks in your direction, you make it known that you’re attracted to her. And then when Kiara came around, it was only about her for so long!”

“That’s not true!” JJ’s voice strains as he breathes heavily. “It was always about you!”

You let out a barked laugh, “Oh, please. In what fucking world was it ever about me?”

“In every world! In my world!” He yells, but his angry expression softens.

“Well,” You pause, collecting yourself. “Not in mine.”

You had nothing else to say. You wish you could jump in the ocean and never come back. To stay in the nothingness forever. But you can’t. So all you did was tear your gaze away from the blond boy and your shocked best friend, and climb onto the rocks and back to the other side, leaving them both alone in the spot that used to only harbour precious, secret memories.

~ ~ ~

You don’t know how long it’s been that you’ve locked yourself in your house, not talking to anyone. A couple days? Maybe a week? You didn’t really care. The last thing you wanted was to face everyone, especially JJ. You’ve shut your phone off a long time ago, so you had no idea what was even going on with the outside world.

You just woke up from a nap. You usually fall asleep after crying. Your eyes still felt raw, but you squinted through the blurriness to read the time on the kitchen stove. 2:33 am. God, you really needed to stop falling asleep on the couch. You get up and make your way to your fridge to pour yourself a glass of water in hopes of finding some relief for your burning throat.

You take a few sips, the cool liquid soothing your inflamed walls as you swallow. You have a slight pulsing lingering in your temples, and you lean back against your counter as you try and focus on your breathing. A few still moments go by, and you’re grateful for some peace.

There’s knocking at your door.

You jump, slamming the cup down on the counter and reaching towards one of the drawers for a knife. You grab the first one you can find -- a butter knife -- and slowly walk to your living room. As you peek your head around the corner, you warily ask loudly, “Hello?”

“Y/N.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ.” You let out a breath of air and place a hand on your chest as you drop the knife on the coffee table. “JJ. What do you want?”

Your eyes adjust to the darkness as you walk closer. You see his silhouette, but not his face.

“Can you please open the door?” He weakly asks.

You feel anger bubbling up inside you once again, and as you swing open the door in rage you say, “Why don’t you show up on Kiara’s doorstep at 3 in fucking morn--!?” Your words are quickly cut off as soon as the door fully opens and you look at him.

There he is. Though he is taller and much stronger than you, he appears so small and fragile as he stands with his hands shoved into his sweatpant pockets. And his face… he is looking down at the ground, but you can see him covered in blood and bruises.

“I don’t want Kiara,” he says softly, wincing at the pain.

“Oh, JJ.” You whimper and quickly pull him inside your house, leading him all the way to your bathroom. You motion for him to sit on the counter next to the sink as you pull out your first aid kit from behind your mirror.

You stand between his legs as you get to work. You’ve done this so many times before, you can’t even keep count. The first time you cleaned him up after his dad hurt him was when you were both 13 years old. He always hated it, he hated relying on others or seeming like a burden. But you hated seeing him in pain even more. He could never be a burden to you. Since then, it was basically a given that he would come to you whenever he needed help.

He hasn’t come to you with this during the past year, which would frequently get you worried. But since you thought we was with Kiara, you just assumed she was the one who was helping him.

After a while, you just had to finish cleansing his cuts and bandage what was needed. “You okay?” You whisper to him, gently feeling around his chest and stomach for any painful points.

He slightly shakes his head. “I don’t want Kiara,” He repeats himself from earlier, just above a whisper. You don’t say anything, too unsure of what direction to approach this from. But you don’t have to, because after a few seconds of just staring at each other, JJ bursts out into a broken sob as he grabs your waist, pulling you into him and burying his face into your neck.

You immediately hug him back, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and burying the other in his hair.

You allow him to softly cry into your shirt for as long as he needs, just holding him and soothingly rubbing his back. Eventually he pulls away and leans his forehead against your collar bone. “I can’t do this anymore, Y/N. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?” You ask, running your fingers over his arms.

“What we’ve been doing. Ignoring each other, snapping at each other, acting so distant and cold. I can’t anymore.” He sniffs and fully lifts up from you. Looking at his hurt face makes you want to cry, but you won’t. You’ll stay strong for him. “I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. This past year has been hell for me, let alone this last month. Do you understand, Y/N? Do you understand that all I think about is you?”

You nod, and allow him to keep talking.

“And when I saw you kissing Pope in -- in our spot. The one we promised each other would be only ours--”

“JJ,” You swallow, “I am so fucking sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking, I truly don’t. I guess I just let my anger and pain take over me, and I assumed the worst of you. I don’t know how to ever tell you how fucking sorry I am. But I can tell you this -- nothing is going on between me and Pope. Like, at all. All this time that we’ve been spending together was just to distract ourselves from watching the people we want be in love with someone else.”

He takes both of your hands into his before bringing them to his lips, kissing your knuckles softly as he closes his eyes. “I’m not in love with anyone else.”

You slowly breathe in as his raw eyes lock into yours. “JJ… Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“No, Y/N. I do fucking mean it. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my entire life. I didn’t even need this last month to prove it.”

“But I don’t understand,” You shake your head as a couple tears escape from your waterline. “What about everything with Kiara… You said it was too late and that you had feelings for her.”

JJ stands up from the counter and steps into you, gripping your hips as his damp forehead presses up against yours. “I was lying. I was fucking lying, to myself, to her, and to you. I ended things with her a while ago, but she kept wanting to try. You heard what I was saying, about why you didn’t tell me before and shit… It’s because I love you too, Y/N. I’ve loved you for so fucking long, but never said anything because I never would have guessed that you felt the same. So I distracted myself with other girls and-- and Kiara. And when you confessed to me, I wanted to so badly hold you in my arms and never let go, to tell you that this was all I wanted. But I have been trying for so long to get over you, and I thought I might have even done it. I was scared to throw it away and give myself to you, in case you were wrong about how you felt. Because I-- I thought for sure that you would never love me back, so I tried to convince myself that I could maybe love someone else. Not ever like how I love you, but… maybe enough so that I could forget you.”

He reaches one hand up to wipe your teary under eyes before resting his thumb gently over your bottom lip. “How stupid of me,” He mumbles against your mouth, “to think that I could I ever forget you?” His thumb drags slightly across your lip. “My sweet girl…”

You grab the back of his neck and push your mouth roughly against his. For a second you taste blood and forget about his busted lip, but he doesn’t seem to mind as he kisses you back with just as much passion. You kiss him with all the hunger you’ve kept inside you for years, and he reciprocates the exact same energy.

You kiss him until you’re sure you’ve developed your own busted lip, and you pull apart, breathless. He smiles into your mouth and presses one more wet kiss against your bruised mouth before pulling away himself.

“Okay,” You weakly say, feeling tingly all over. “New promise.”

“Anything,” JJ says, leaning forward to press soft kisses along your jawline.

“We are never -- And I mean never --- doing that stupid shit again. From now on, we’re honest with each other about everything. 100% of the time.” You say, trying not to sigh at the feeling of his teeth on your flesh.

He pulls his head back up and kisses you again, “I promise. And something else too -- I promise to love you completely and fully. I promise to never make you feel that insecure again.”

“I promise, too.” You whisper, “I love you.”

He shakes his head as if he can’t believe what he is hearing, a stupid grin playing at his mouth. “I love you so fucking much.” He wraps his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. “Even if you think a butter knife is a suitable weapon for an intruder.”

You laugh into his neck, “Shut up.”

“Kiss me.” He says into your ear.

And you do, until you can’t anymore. Until you can’t take the building tension and you’re coming undone beneath him as he presses you into your bed, making you feel all the things you’ve only dreamed of since you’ve known him. Until he’s falling asleep on your naked chest, your arms holding him close. Until you know you can finally say he’s yours, and you are his.

[sreegs]

Just wanted to address this post from @thevibewizard on a separate thread because the post is getting too long, and moderation is a different topic from new site features. But it's worth addressing.

No one, especially me, would suggest that Tumblr Staff are to be held completely unaccountable and without scrutiny. My post was specifically about who to blame whenever Tumblr rolls out a feature that is generally unappealing.

When it comes to blazed posts with shit in them like TERF nonsense and suicide notes, there's nothing to defend there. Someone screwed up. It's not evidence of a massive in-house TERF conspiracy or that Staff's Trust and Safety team is actually lazy. The most likely explanation is someone had a lapse of judgement or didn't review the content well enough.

I know it's upsetting to see that shit, especially as a blazed post. I get upset too. The best course of action is to report the post and file an explanation of what's wrong with it. Even if it's obvious. The Trust & Safety team will review it, and blazed posts that get taken down are probably a big red flag for them to review how they ended up blazed in the first place. The T&S team will not see it when you just screenshot the offending post and make an angry post about it, they don't search Tumblr's posts for hate speech reports.

Remember that there's hundreds of millions of users and only a few dozen people reading reports (on top of reviewing blazes and other T&S work of enforcement, development, etc). As a quick exercise in picturing the scale: there are roughly 12 million new posts made every day on Tumblr. Say 0.5% of them contain content against terms of service. That's 60,000 shitty posts. There's a lot to go through daily and not all of it is reported, and automated tools for catching bad content effectively are not that good.

The volume of reports that Tumblr's T&S team deals with is astronomical compared to the social media sites that farm out their moderation teams to third party services. And, again, this is not to excuse mistakes, this is just to provide context for how those mistakes happen. Customer service is brutal no matter the org.

Tumblr's Staff is a bunch of individuals working together on a larger product. I guess the question comes down to whether you personally think it's worth getting angry at Staff as a whole when an individual makes a mistake, and how, exactly, can you productively direct that anger. If it's worth it to you to express that anger, go for it. It's valid. Just ask yourself, are you swinging at the right target?

If Tumblr didn't have a reputation for being the internet's imperfect but most well-known safe space for LGBTQIA+ youth and self-discovery, I would be more suspicious of why TERF posts make it through blaze review. The people I worked with at Tumblr were the most vocal supporters of marginalized people I've worked with in tech. The corporate entity of Tumblr (and Automattic) can never be truly trusted. Never trust a corporation or the executives. But I can say that the individuals in the apparatus that do the work are largely good and are trying their best with the tools they have.

[niuniente]

Why reblogging in Tumblr matters?

I have seen lately a lot of post of people being offended, angry, disappointed etc. about reblogs. The attitude has been “If you ask me to reblog, then I won’t do it and as a protest, I won’t even like your posts >:( ”

Why reblogging in Tumblr matters isn’t because creative people are bricks (some are). Did you see something cool and nice on your dash which you liked? Great! It was there because someone you follow manually reblogged it to their blog and for you to see.

Tumblr doesn’t bring you stuff through algorithm to see. Tumblr is what I would call an organic scrapbook, where the users create each and everyone’s dashes with whatever content they reblog. This is a manual labor work site lol.

Liking does not make the post visible to anyone following you, which means that less and less people get to enjoy of the same thing you enjoyed of. Like equals a bookmark on your web browser. It’s as visible and influential to outsiders (your followers and the post’s creator) as a browser bookmark.

Does this mean that you have to reblog every fucking thing and squeeze the living shit out of yourself for reblogs’ manual work? No. Of course not. Keep liking posts and saving them for your own private collection for whatever reason but please, always reblog whatever you can and want.

I’ve been in Tumblr since 2011. We reblogged freely whatever the hell we wanted and no one wasn’t that concerned of if they knew the fandom, the series, the character, the person etc. Many had side blogs for specific content, whether their own art, fics, their newest fandom blorbo, aesthetic posts, personal rants etc. This is how Tumblr is made to function. No, you’re not “stealing” anything by reblogging. No, you’re not bothering your followers with reblogs (and if you are, it’s their job to curate their own internet experience and either unfollow you or mute your tag, if you tag your posts). No, you’re not doing anything wrong by reblogging stuff from series you know nothing about but which seems interesting (perhaps someone following you knows about it and can show you the way to a new fandom!)

With this new trend of excessive liking  and shy reblogging - and after the Tumblr purge - my dash is very quiet. I miss so many awesome art work and posts unless I go to manually search them and HOPE that the search function even works properly ( it doesn’t. It shows only a limited amount of posts of the said tag or containing the word I’m using for the search). I miss discovering new blogs to follow through reblogs, new people, new artists and authors, new intriguing art styles, new fandoms...

Please, feed me and my dash with reblogs whenever you can! I want to see what’s out there, what did you discover today? What was wonderful or interesting on your dash? Who had reblogged it or created it? What series and characters are out there I don’t know yet but which could become my next favorite thing because you know about them? Do you know my next blorbo? ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

If we stop reblogging, Tumblr dashes stop operating, too (outside adds and blazes). We, and only we, keep them alive and running. Show me what you have found! <3 I can’t wait to see!

[ohnoitstbskyen]

So I'm thinking about doing Business

I'm going to experimentally pay for Tumblr's "Blaze" on one of my posts to see what the effect is, if any. I don't plan to use it often, but if I'm using this site as part of my silly little content creator job, maybe it makes sense to advertise some things?

I don't even know what it would make sense to use that feature on, either... posts with my official video releases? Stuff like that article I wrote about the experience of going viral? ... posts about my merch store? (oh god I don't want to advertise the merch store, I haven't added anything to it in ages).

Anyway, if you see one of my posts with a "promoted" tag on it, that's why. Just figuring out if that's something that should be part of my job on here. There are some extended personal reflections on using Tumblr for My Job™ below the cut.

On the other hand, Twitter was never that much of a Business Platform for me, either. That site and app is insanely bad at driving traffic anywhere else, which is part of why its ad revenue was so low depite the huge user base. Getting people to click away from Twitter to anywhere else is like pulling teeth, even for people with million dollar marketing budgets, and so I just... kinda never tried, really. Partly because it never seemed worth the work, partly because it was my personal Twitter before it accidentally became my Business Twitter.

Tumblr in that regard is different though. Four years ago, someone posted an outtake from a shitpost video I did laughing myself half to death over an article about how millennials are killing mayonnaise. That outtake went some degree viral on Tumblr, and that virality did prompt a lot of people to go find the full video on YouTube, making it briefly the most successful video on my whole channel.

So I dunno. Maybe it makes sense to use Tumblr for Business™ in that way. Not that I think I can manufacture a viral hit, of course, but maybe paying to have my work shown to more people on here could be worth it? I guess I'll find out once that Blaze goes through the moderation.

It sorta ties in with a broader pre-post-Twitter reflection I've been having about how I use social media, though.

I don't want to be my job

My personal twitter became my business twitter entirely by accident, and while it was fun at first to have thousands of followers on my personal shitposting, it wasn't fun at all in the long run. At a certain point, usually somewhere past the 10k follower boundary (or if you had the misfortune of having a pre-Elon checkmark), people stop treating you like a person or a fellow poster, and start treating you like a brand, a celebrity (however minor), like a Public Figure. And on the one hand that's good, kinda, because if you have a larger platform, you do deserve more scrutiny. On the other hand, it means you can't be a person on your own social media.

Dark humor, in-jokes, dumb shitposts with friends, dunking on some random hot take, all of that starts to come with the danger that some stranger, who is determined to misunderstand what you post in the absolute worst possible faith, will see it and start yelling about it.

And if, as a person who has a bigger platform, you yell back at them, or dunk on their bullshit... yeah, there's a real risk that you're the one being the bigger asshole, actually. When you have a big Twitter audience, you have some responsibilty for what happens to the things you put in front of that audience. And if you have fans, they might want to defend you, and if you have a lot of fans, some percentage of them aren't going to know how to act or where the line is, and go way the fuck too far.

It's the reality of having a public profile. People will come at you in absolutely wild ways, accusing you of saying absolutely insane things that they have derived from truly deranged (often willful) misinterpretations, and you can't respond to that like a person responds, or you run the risk of being the one who does more harm.

And so you can't be a person on your social media anymore. You now have to be a Public Figure, and if you don't figure that out you're gonna get in trouble. I should have made a private friends-only account on Twitter far, far earlier than I did, I should have made an official brand account far, far earlier than I did. But the only way to know that is in hindsight.

... which leads me back to Tumblr. I've been thinking about Doing Business™ on Tumblr - Blazing my posts, doing SEO, promoting my brand and all that other shit that technically comes with the job I ostensibly have.

I fled back here when I saw Twitter start to torch itself, because I need to post somewhere, but do I need to post for myself, as a person?

Or do I need to post because I am TBSkyen the YouTuber and posting is part of my job, my brand and my online personality which I crafted as a layer of separation between myself and the audience but which has at this point become so entangled with my real self that I don't know the boundaries between them anymore?

Am I going to look back on this and realize, as I did on Twitter, that I should have made a private, friends-only Tumblr account right from the start, and not mixed the personal with the professional and with Posting? I have around 2000 followers right now and this is still fun and casual, but what happens if I manage to luck myself into a real following again? When am I going to dunk on something I think is dumb and cause the person who posted it to receive actionable threats because someone who likes my videos doesn't know how the fuck to act?

Anyway, this is the kind of shit that gets powerblasted through my brain when I pay $10 to make some more people see one of my posts on a website - how's your morning going?