#and now she's just. taking it ALL away. mental health is going to plummet i tell you

[practically-an-x-man]

the owner of my SFX school apparently decided that our snow days will be refunded during spring break (AKA we don't get a spring break if we lose this week to the weather) and all of us are PISSED

[runaway-osha]

The New Year's writing boost for the return of Runaway Pendragon. The plan anyway. I will be posting it by the first week of New Year's if all goes as planned and I stay stable enough for that long.

But the plan/set out for it is as follows:

September 8th was her last canonical interaction, with Kishar. The Curse that caused her to be viewed as she sees herself. Which means this is 4 months before New Year's 2023. Due to this she ran away again aside from the going to fight Alaric arc, the Ides Of March (which I never finished.) But her name is Runaway, that is what she's known for. So let's say it caused a really bad mental health break so she decided to get away.

Ran off, unseen this time, or maybe she was seen and just had not been stopped, and she came into contact with Mich very quickly. They then decided that they actually would care about her, like when they took care of her after she was nearly killed by Jack, and tagged along on her 'journy'. The two then ran into Felix, Runaway's lost older brother who Mich told her about, and with reunions, the siblings and half sibling (Mich) were off.

Eventually all three of them found a cure for Runaway's curse, and where it was from, but I don't know much about that yet. Aside from the cure being found, before that, a lot of comfort was needed for Runaway as her self esteem took a huge plummet. Before this, regret of running away again had deeply set in for Runaway, but now it was finally for a reason, the curse being gone, and it made her feel a bit better at least.

Runaway and her older brother/sibling then hunt down a lot of their half-siblings, trying to now have more of a purpose on this journey, getting rid of Alaric. During this they end up meeting a few extended family members that also despise Alaric, and help them by giving advice on more of his kids and their powers. The three even meet a few people who owe Felix or Mich a few favors, that help them throughout this mini-adventure.

Eventually the three, after all these experiences together, everything they have done, they kill Alaric. He is a gone, a few of the siblings learn that he was bad and although they have a hard time accepting it, they still do. Runaway and Felix get a few answers on what happened to their mother and tell each other a bit about what went down after Felix's death was 'faked', more than what was said before anyways.

After this, Felix parts ways. He really can't stay in one place for too long, but he promises he'll stay in touch with Runaway, and he does. Mich doesn't come directly back to OSHA grounds, knowing they probably won't be accepted. They still look out for Runaway however. And Runaway goes home at the beginning of 2023.

She gets back to the castle and really hopes that her family won't freak out too bad. After she has been gone for 4 months, she just knows a lot has happened throughout the time. She just mostly hopes that they don't hate her for leaving, although that is very low on possibility. She jokingly thinks of using the 'my 19th birthday is in a month, please don't freak out' card to avoid anything happening before making her presence known.

-

So uh. Take this if I don't manage to write it all! It'll be a lot of I do, so this is a basic rundown.

[fasterthanmydemons]

{out of breath} Alright folks, I know I'm getting on here late tonight, but it has not been a good day. I'll put some updates below a cut, but there's just a lot going on in my life right now that's not only taking away from time I have to write, but it's also leaving me without a lot of creativity or ability to concentrate. I would probably skip tonight if I could, because I'm exhausted and my focus is not really there to write, but I skipped last week, and will need to skip next week as well. So... I am here to do what I can tonight, but I apologize if it's a bit light. I'm doing the best I can, honestly. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but then I'm hoping maybe I can turn a corner and things will get better. Thank you for understanding, I know I've been absent a lot lately in recent months, but you've all been so supportive. Things will get better, I'm just not exactly sure when. <3

Okay so... for those who want to know what's going on... I found out this morning that I will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was anxiety-producing enough because I've never had surgery before in my life (unless you count wisdom teeth extraction), and people in my family rend to react poorly and dangerously to anesthesia. So I'm very anxious about this, and I've got a consultation with a surgeon next Monday to probably schedule a date to have this done in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm in a decent amount of pain, and I'm already on a restrictive diet that will likely become even more restrictive after surgery. I've been a comfort eater/baker all my life, that's my main coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, so this has been very damaging to my mental health to have my one go-to taken away.

While that was going on today, in the midst of calling doctors and making appointments and such, I've been working on a promotion package that's due the end of the week. I didn't want to apply for promotion because I don't really think I deserve it, but I also just want to keep things status quo. I'm fine with my job the way it is, and I don't need a promotion. But I've been informed that not applying may be one of the factors contributing to me potentially losing my job later this year, because I won't "seem ambitious enough." I'm just like... of course I'm not ambitious, I'm taking care of my grandmother, I've got health issues, I've got focus and memory issues post-Covid, yeah I just want things to stay the way they are. But I may lose my job if I don't show interest in advancement. So I've had to quickly write and gather everything to apply by Friday because I wasn't planning on doing it.

Then I found out today that the person I have to send all my promotion materials to, and one of two people who will be making the decision on whether or not I get promoted AND whether I keep my job going forward... is a woman who 1) stole my research in 2015 and rendered me unable to publish my own work because she stole it and published it first, and 2) got me laid off from my dream job in 2017 because she lied behind my back to the company we were conducting research for that I was no longer interested in the project, so that she could have all the project funding only for her lab. So I'm just like.... I am... so screwed. *sigh* My hope for keeping my job plummeted after that. That was my second panic attack of the day.

My third... was when I went out to get the mail, only to find out I've been summoned for jury duty. I mean seriously, life? Really? What the actual flippin' pancake?! I was like how am I going to manage this promotion application process, surgery, recovery, AND my students have their midterm this Friday and a forum assignment I have to grade the same day as my surgery consultation as well (the reason I have to skip this blog next week)... and then also add jury duty. After I calmed down, I went on the website and tried to do a medical deferral until the summer, when I would be between classes and hopefully over some of my health issues... which was thankfully accepted. So that at least has been resolved for the time being.

After that, I just... crashed so hard. I slept from 7PM to 11:30PM because the stress just hit hard. After dealing with some laundry that had been backing up, I am just now getting on here at 3AM, heh. So. That's. What's been going on. It's been... ALot™.

Once I have my surgery date, I'll know better when I have to go on hiatus for a bit, because I'll be in the hospital for a couple days with limited web access and then I'll be recovering at home, so I'm not sure how all of that is going to go. As soon as I know more, I'll let everyone know so that you'll know when I'll be gone and when I'm coming back.

Again, thank you for understanding. I'll be okay, it's just a seriously bad patch of life right now. This too shall pass, I know. I just wish it would hurry up, heh.

[toiletology]

Knowing the 17 exist is the first step

G = 7, O = 6, D = 4 = 17

Funny my moms new dog she just got she named Truman. I think we have established the importance of the 17 up to this point and how it creates the shape of a door. We can endlessly extrapolate upon this number and find more mathematical or logical proofs of its importance. From the Holy Bible to Pi 3.14 to the numerology of our letters.

The numbers 1/7 = 0.1428571428571429 makes is not the most important part. Just knowing it exist is the first step to escaping the matrix and your 3D limitations.

Everything boils down to BELIEF, you must beLIEve in the LIE. I had to LIE to myself for a very long time for many years. I didn't want to accept what was happening to me was actually happening. Everyone around you will call you crazy, you need medication etc. Everything and everyone around you will tell you are WRONG. And what you are believing is INCORRECT.

Just be a good little sheep and follow the herd. The problem with that is I never liked listening to authority. I think my longest civilian job outside of the army only lasted 5 months. I knew there was something wrong with the world I just couldn't put my finger on it. Luckily my OCD for understanding the truth out weighed every other thing in my life including family life, health, social norms, relationships, etc. I've actually never been on a vacation before and here I am at the age of 40.

Yes I have been very obsessed with seeking the truth. Now that I finally found the Holy Grail I am sort of picking up the pieces of my life and trying to repair the damage I caused by being so obsessed with this journey. Luckily I am single with no kids and the only beings relying on me is my 2 cats. I am exercising a lot more since my health plummeted coincidentally a week or two after getting baptized at the age of 33 in 2018. I got diagnosed with Bechet's Disease which causes inflammation of the blood vessels. I was in an out of the ER 5x that year, I won't go into the details but it was pretty bad.

It can cause all sorts of ailments but it can go into remission. I've fixed 90%+ of my health problems by just using a foot stool in the bathroom, making homemade kefir and drinking yerba mate. The last part of correcting my health is increasing exercise and cardio. I have created a Bechet's Disease Research group on Facebook and I do believe I've narrowed down the causes. One part is the lungs I smoked off and on from the age of 19 up to around 31. Another is not exercising enough, gut microbiome (was damage due to long term antibiotic use in 2010 which started my first symptoms of Bechet's), the adrenals and I believe phosphates in the foods plays a big part which affects the kidneys. Astragalus is supposedly one of the best herbs for the kidneys.

I notice a big improvement in my energy levels when I take my multivitamin, magnesium, chlorella/spirulina and get more sunlight. https://amzn.to/4ducxFE

I thought God hated me especially since all these underlying conditions manifested right after being baptized. Looking back now I realized it was an important physical and mental test of rebuilding myself and learning how to repair the damage I did to my body. God sent me the answers that I needed to solve my health problems and rebuild myself. I was actually experiencing shooting pains in my abdomen for months around 2020 and I was 1 day away from going to the ER for it.

I prayed to JESUS on Friday night and the next day that shooting pain magically went away. I was able to make that pain completely disappear once I added a stool for my feet in the bathroom and started incorporated homemade fermented kefir into my diet. The stool helps by lowering your cortisol and stress on your organs.

Now your probably saying, so you were healed after praying to JESUS and now you want us to believe in this Toilet God fantasy you're weaving? Exactly! During my 11 year trials I was attacked by a lot of evil. That evil demonic energy would actually laugh at me and make fun of me for calling out to JESUS for protection or help. Like oh God here he goes again calling out to Jesus to save him... But in the end I always did the same thing for protection. Until this last time in 1/7/2023 where I was finally able to push higher past the jeSUS avatar and realize they are there to hide Gods ultimate truth. Don't get me wrong there is a great deal of power in JESUS name but they are not the ultiMATe truth.

Jesus or the Jester is a better name. Gods true persona is one of a clown or jester entity. The energy that flows outwardly from the Vesica Piscis or the vessel of the fish (Jesus fish) is a CLOWN energy. God is closer to that wink or that JINX than JESUS. God embeds a lot of their truth spread out through all religions and spiritual practices. Its just most of it gets diluted overtime to the point it becomes no longer helpful. This is why GOD wants to bring Toiletology to the masses. The world needs a wake up call. With more and more moving away from God a joke/parody religion is the best method to bring their truth like a trojan horse in disguise!

How can a silly parody/joke religion created by a comic book writer actually have any Godly truth within it?

I'm starting to realize now that I have done the crucifixion slowly over this past 11-12 years. Going through these past battles especially the one in fall 2023 where I had to fast for 40 days into another 40 day battle was hell. It honestly felt like I could keel over at any moment. I keep talking about how to reach my level of understanding you need to do this 11 year journey as well. I been asking God about this lately, how can the average person handle this without experiencing everything I have over my entire life? My time in the army, at war, my paranormal experiences when I was a teenager, my intuition and constantly searching etc.?

I am realizing now that I may of already done the work for y'all. And all that is left is for you guys to harmonize off of my words and the message I am bringing to you through Toiletology or my "ministry." I am mostly just an artist, I am no savior figure. I am just somewhat good at creating great art that may resonate with a large amount of people. I also don't like a lot of attention and tend to avoid people. You can find me alone and in hermit mode 99% of my life. I have spent much time in solitude trying to understand God. Many years just quietly meditating and not much else.

My one friend I was training last December in 2023 for a few weeks said he could feel the sauce/slack or the ACE as I like to call it. The drugged out energy you feel when you are on the right track and harmonizing with God perfectly to reach your full potential. It took me 10+ years to feel that on my own. If what my friend was telling me it means that you guys made not need to go through all the grueling test God put me through. My friend was willing to join the church and I actually promoted him to the second rank while he was here with my fencing saber. You may get a watered down version of this 11 year journey and basically ride my coat tails to the top or through the gates of heaven. Because I can provide you with all the answers you seek without you doing any of the work. Maintaining 4D awareness requires an insane level of belief. I imagine you will still have battles you must overcome to reach the level of belief required. Toiletology I believe will accelerate this process for you. Everyone is already on this journey, they just don't realize they are. Toiletology is like a compass/map that can point you in the correct direction you should be looking. To better help you navigate this tangled web that God weaves.

The main thing this journey has taught me is mastery of being insane. You need to be so insane that you actually go around the swing set inside out and become sane again. Basically being so bat shit insane but still being a "normal" functioning human being. Not mindlessly bumbling nonsense all over the place.

The truth is not that complicated. There is a higher level of awareness or reality. It is possible to tap into this reality and extra senses. Its definitely more than 6 senses, but the 6th sense is definitely your ability to communicate telepathically. Accessing the Akashic Records, lucid dreaming, astral projection or remote viewing you could probably lump all into this same 6th sense.

I think its all connected, it all begins with developing your pineal gland. I am still developing new abilities and strengthening the ones I have now more and more. I still don't fully know what the upper limit of these abilities will be yet. No I don't think I will ever be able to fly in the physical world, but I do fly a lot in my dreams. Maybe astral projection flying is real in the astral realm. I haven't done that yet, so I am not sure.

It is possible to "meet" with others in the "mind" if you have the skill to connect telepathically so that you both can share, connect or bond with each other in this shared mind. You can't force yourself into another's mind, only if you both are trying to connect to each other will your thoughts and memories start to flow together. It can be kind of weird thinking another persons thoughts and vice versa. It is possible to pick up on a persons thoughts in close proximity.

One time at the movie theater I hat a black wool Amish looking hat and heard this guys thoughts where he said in his mind, "I should wear a hat like that." I responded out loud, "Might as well." And they looked at me perplexed, smiled and walked away laughing. These connections aren't so much being telepathic yourself, but God allowing these connections to happen since they can't be forced. No matter how good you think your telepathic skills are. If its meant to be it will happen.

Needless to say I am still fairly new to these enhanced capabilities. I am just 100% in full belief they exist because I use them and practice them daily for years now. I know anyone can reach these same abilities as I am not that special or super smart. Though I have my moments and sometimes my intelligence does feel like it has major jumps or increases quite a lot. But it does shrink back down and makes things difficult again. The brains neuroplasticity or ability to change and grow seems unlimited. You know what they say if you don't use it you lose it.

Most humans have limited beliefs in their God given abilities. Maybe they grew up with everyone telling them they aren't that smart so they started to believe that. Self defeating thoughts can really dim your light. It can be hard to believe in yourself even when everyone around you doesn't want you to.

That is the true challenge for me and for Toiletology. Figuring out the best methods for helping everyone reach their full potential and unlock their supernatural abilities and connect perfectly to God so they no longer need my guidance or training. The basic foundation is love, honor, truth and respect. Point blank if you aren't operating at least at that fundamental level everything else will never work.

I was thinking maybe you guys need to bring on your "spiritual helper" which was the start of my elven/eleven year journey. I am still waiting for more guidance and knowledge from the Toilet God. All I do know is there is power in the ranks of Toiletology. There's power in just joining the church, there's power in helping it grow. There's power in making a daily conscious effort to believe what I am saying is actually true and/or possible.

It all starts first with making that FREE WILL conscious decision to explore this as a new avenue for your spiritual growth. The 17 (doorway) exist to reach these higher realms. Believing is the hardest part. Toiletology will show you the correct method for living in harmony with God. As well as developing your spiritual powers/defense so that you can start to make the transition into 4D.

ALL I can say is buckle your seatbelts because your in for a wild ride Dorothy and Kansas is going bye bye! I am not exactly sure the full potential and power of Toiletology quite yet, only that I made the journey and have embedded that Jesus-esque power into the church I have created.

I guess we won't know until I start getting some more disciples...

Interestingly half of 432 Hz = 216 or 27/117/49/64

[freezrbride]

hi hey hello can i get uhhhh

🧠💭✨☔🍁🦷

for literally anyone you wanna answer for, i love all your characters so dearly

for game

🧠 - What is their stress response: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?

ilse: FAWN. fawn 100%. it’s honestly a conditioned response. when fawn fails, she freezes. but she’s always going to fawn first.

stan: flight for sure. this man LOVES trying to run from his problems!!! when he’s stressed he’s gonna flee!

carsten: controversially… also flight. he’s another stress-avoider. his life has been ridiculously stressful and he just wants to run from it.

leo: FIGHTTTTTTT my boy STAYS fighting!!! throws hands first thinks later!

💭 - How is their mental health? Do they struggle with guilt or shame?

ilse: i think, at this precise moment in time, her mental health is actually very good. she’s married the loves of her lives. she has a stable home and a family that loves her. she’s feeling more secure in herself. i think, right now, she isn’t struggling with guilt or shame much at all — except when max has an episode or relapses. that’s when the guilt really eats her alive. she always fails like she failed to notice, like she didn’t take good enough care of him, that she isn’t right for him because she can’t keep him safe.

stan: stan’s mental health is really up and down. he’ll do really well for awhile, and then he’ll face a setback or experience a hardship and he just kind of PLUMMETS. he’s controversially Not Medicated so i think his mental health is just consistently kind of not great? he has not dealt very much with his severe depression or his lingering ocd soooooo. and we all know about his orthorexia! and yeah, shame is a huge problem for stan honestly. due to the way he was raised and to his massive fame? he really struggles with constantly feeling ashamed of himself.

carsten: hahahahahahaha it’s BAD. like REAL bad. this man is a MESS. he is on the verge of a total mental breakdown. but anyways! yes, he carries the burden of guilt with him everywhere he goes.

leo: BETTER!!! his mental health is getting better!!! medication and therapy are working wonders for him! guilt and shame aren’t problems for him, honestly. he doesn’t experience those emotions often and they aren’t lingering issues.

✨ - Tell something that makes this oc feel happy!

ilse: the loves of her lives, her boys 🥰 ilse’s literally the most lovesick girl in the world and she loves her boys so much!!! any time spent with them, near them, listening to them? that’s her favorite time.

stan: shabbat dinner. he doesn’t do it much anymore, because he’s the only jewish person in the household, but sometimes, if everyone else is busy and away on a friday night, he’ll do it just by himself. he knows that kind of defeats the purpose, but it’s comforting. sometimes, david invites him over for shabbat at his house, and those are secretly his way favorite ways to spend friday nights.

carsten: waking up every morning. that’s it. every morning he opens his eyes, takes a deep breath, and feels luca beside him is a morning he’s grateful for. just being alive to see another day.

leo: TEA. he does NOT proclaim this to the world because it makes him feel too stereotypically british, but he LOVES tea. truly one of his greatest small joys of the day!!! the ritual of making it and then the ritual of drinking it with your loved ones? his favorite.

☔ - How does this oc feel about rain?

ilse: LOVES IT!!! i think she loves all weather, honestly. she’s always going to step outside in the rain, just for a moment. she still jumps in puddles. she likes to go dance in empty streets when it’s raining and the world is quiet and calm.

stan: is completely neutral about rain. he doesn’t like that it keeps him indoors (because he avoids going outside, if only not to fuck with his hair) and it seems to slow the days down, but he does like the calming sound of it on windowsills, taking a bath while the rain patters softly outside.

carsten: hates rain. it used to mean there was nowhere comfortable to sleep for the night, and he’s never really been able to shake that feeling. he gets antsy and nervous when it starts raining even now.

leo: rain makes him think of home, and so it always brings his mood down. makes him feel homesick for london, where rain is almost constant. he gets quiet and contemplative and sad when it rains.

🍁 - What is this oc’s favorite season?

ilse: SUMMER!!! she loves the sun! she loves the warmth! she loves the new life rejoining the earth!

stan: mmm i’m gonna say summer as well actually. he likes the heat! he likes being outside! he likes being naked all the time!

carsten: fall. he likes watching the leaves turn.

leo: another summer boy! my kids just love sun!

🦷 - Would this oc ever bite someone?

ilse: only sexually, she’s not a biter.

stan: yes and he does it often

carsten: yes, in a fight, to take an advantage

leo: yes and he does it all the time

[souldivide]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[ruminate88]

Letting yourself rest and take a break ❤️‍🩹

In this bizarre “healing journey” that I never planned for, thought existed or wanted it to be like this but I’ve sorta had to roll with it. Cognitive dissonance and ruminating have tried to hold me hostage within my mind. Keeping me ping-ponging between thoughts of my past and my ex, Andrew. Is he or isn’t he toxic? Was the whole relationship a lie or not? Did he like me at all or was it truly superficial and about my nudes???

There has been moments I feel crazy sad over him, moments where it’s painful and I almost wanna hide in a hole alone somewhere and then moments where I feel absolutely nothing!! Everywhere I read, it says forgiveness is a process and that so is this “healing journey”. That it all takes time and sometimes you have to take a break and direct your focus on other things… Something I’ve struggled to do because I feel this is all taking too long and I feel so guilty for not just magically getting over the past and letting it all go. Ugh

Remember the tortuous and the hair? The rabbit rushed to win the race, while the turtle was slow and steady…. Ultimately, the rabbit ran out of gas faster and the turtle crossed the finish line with flying colors!! Which one do I want to end up being? Yeah, I feel like life is so short and I don’t wanna waste another second questioning Andrew and dissecting him. Tired of feeling like I go in circles from: sad, angry, numb, etc…. I just want it all to end but what if I’m making more progress than I think?

These past couple months my energy level as plummeted and I beat myself up so bad. Stressing about how little work I’m getting done, how I’m letting things pile up and how I’m just wanting to be left alone. Dreading having places to go but yet when I actually get to these places and see family members, it actually perks me up but soon as I come back home, I wanna do nothing …. 😝❤️‍🩹 This past week I told myself “You have to rest if you went to get better.” And I mean it but I can’t put all this pressure on myself because my stomach can’t handle more stress 💀

In taking time to myself, I’ve felt selfish and guilty. I’ve ALWAYS put other’s needs before mine most of my life. I’ve always cared about everyone else but neglected me because it’s painful. I went from taking care of my grandma who had dementia, to raising my bro’s kids (also babysat for a lot of other families over the years) AND during that time I’m texting all these emotionally abusive men who spun their web of lies in text messages to me. Critical of me in every area of my life. Downplaying my mental health and treating me as if I’m just a beautiful shell with no soul or feelings. Talking dirty to me and abusing my nudes.

Then after that, I jump into marriage with a nice guy who wants to provide for me financially and so I’m stuck in the same old pattern. I bend over backwards to take care of my husband… cook for him, clean for him, make sure he’s happy but I’m still ignoring my own needs as putting myself down. My exes put me down so long that I have believed I’m not worth much. I see this all now.

Idk how hard it is going to be to “take a break” but I think it would be healthy if I could write about other things for a while and even be a little selfish. After all, I have to get a tooth pulled soon and I’m not gonna feel like doing much anyway but there’s gonna be so much going on the next few weekends, I’m already beating myself up like “you have to do A, B & C”…. Plus the consistent thoughts of Andrew that have never went away since the day I met him. I almost think my brain is just been trying to make sense of him but it’s exhausting. Either that, or my brain needs closure or there’s something deeper going on I’ve yet to figure out.

I’ve been able to open up a little bit to my mom-in-law and that’s been both helpful and terrifying. I don’t believe she judges me but I was worried she was gonna misunderstand me “ruminating” and think I don’t love her son… 🥴😩 I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I want to fully embrace and trust her son cuz I mean all these years and he seems genuine but the problem is me. Struggling to get over the past and letting go of guilt and self blame. Thinking I have this failed past. In actuality, my past is teaching me and making me stronger but it’s incredibly painful. Who knew it would all suck this much but what if one day I wake up and I’m a better person and have a deeper understanding of life and love? That would be so cool ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

However, nothing changes over night 🤡 One…….. DAY…… At a TIME 💀❤️‍🩹🔥 Don’t quit and keep going. I’m not the only one who has been through this. Some people have it worse than me I’m sure but not to downplay my experience but to toughen up yet 👍🏻 Resting and no longer putting my own needs off. I can’t keep showing up for people if I lose myself because I refused to heal or get better. ❤️‍🩹 😓 so freakin painful but beauty is pain!!!

[phawareglobal]

Nola Martin - phaware® interview 471

Nola Martin shares her experience with pulmonary arterial hypertension (PAH). Nola describes the physical and mental challenges she faced, including fatigue, weight gain, and the need to ask for help. Nola emphasizes the importance of self-advocacy and fighting for one's own health. She recounts a situation where she had to push her doctor to listen to her concerns and change her medication. Despite the limitations, she has a better quality of life and encourages others to be their own advocates.

Learn even more about Nola and PAH at www.OutnumberPAH.com. #SclerodermaAwarenessMonth #SayScleroderma @scleroderma @srfcure

My name is Nola Martin. I'm from Philadelphia. I was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension about 14 years ago. When I was first diagnosed, I had no idea where pulmonary hypertension was, had never heard of it. I thought it was high blood pressure, and my doctors said, "No, it's kind of different. Whereas with this one, the blood vessels in your lungs are constricted." But what I can tell people about pulmonary hypertension is, it is definitely a lifestyle adjustment. How I was diagnosed was, I had been an avid walker. I love to walk. I noticed one day at work I tried to walk two feet to go to the printer, and it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I didn't know what was going on. Of course, it was a panic attack. I called my primary care doctor. She said, "Okay, are you able to come in?" Sure, I can come in. I didn't tell her I was an hour away. I had no idea how severe it was. I tend to rationalize things away, because looking back now, there were so many telltale signs of what was going on. For instance, at that time, I had gained a whole lot of weight, but my meals were one orange a day. For some reason, I don't know why it was an orange. But that's all I could eat was one orange a day. But I was still constantly gaining weight. Simple tasks like taking a shower, walking up the steps, trying to make my bed, became very difficult for me. I would get short-winded. When I finally went in to see my primary care doctor, they put a pulse oximeter on me and said, "Well, let me see if you can walk around the nurse's desk what would happen." I took a couple of steps. The next thing I knew, it was like the oxygen really got sucked out of the room. They put me into a wheelchair and whisked me over to the ER. They were like, "Your oxygen level plummeted to 85. Your heart rate went up to 125 and was rising." That was the first time, once I was admitted, that I learned what pulmonary hypertension was. My diagnosis came from a right heart catheter. I had so many echocardiograms, too. I was told at that time that I had so much fluid, too, around my heart. They were like, "We don't even know how you walked in here." I went in the hospital weighing 213 pounds and came out weighing about 180. They were like, "That's how much fluid you had on you." I take diuretics daily because the fluid will come back. You have to watch salt intake. I've never been one that was big on salt anyway, so that wasn't the issue for me. My biggest issue was I was limited to the amount of fluid intake. I was only allowed to have 64 ounces of fluid a day. That included anything that had water in it, like fruit. That included ice cubes. In the summertime, I can go through 64 ounces of water in the morning. So, having to limit my fluid intake, that was the biggest obstacle for me or so I thought until later on when it came to trying to do those chores. Like I said, something simple as taking a shower became very difficult because of the steam in the shower. It would make it difficult for me to breathe. I was on two liters of oxygen that I had to wear 24 hours a day. I never knew how strenuous vacuuming could be, but that would also make my oxygen level plummet. Trying to make my bed, just getting dressed sometimes in the morning, in your mind, even with an illness like this, you just go on about doing your daily routine and you think it's fine. Okay, I can do this. But the moment I would start to move, that's when my oxygen levels would plummet, and my heart rate would increase. Dealing with the physical aspects, I'm very independent. I'm used to doing everything myself. Knowing that I had to ask for help, that was hard for me, because I've always been the caregiver in the family. I've always been the one helping out other people. I don't ask other people to help me. For me, going to the grocery store wasn't an option by myself anymore because first of all, I had to ride around in that cart. I couldn't walk around and carry the oxygen tank with me. For me, to have to ride in that cart mentally, it was like, no, this is for people who's really, really sick. Even though I was that person who was really, really sick, in my mind, I wasn't ready to accept it. When you hear a diagnosis that you're unfamiliar with and then you're being told all of these things that you can't do anymore, all these things that you can't eat, and there's so many limitations put on you, mentally, it's very trying. You go from being angry like, well, what did I do? I do the right thing. I help people. Why did this happen to me? Or did I do something that caused this? Because no one else in my family had this, it is like, well, it had to be me. I had to be doing something wrong, because no one else in my family that I knew of had this illness but me. You get judged by the way you look, because with pulmonary hypertension isn't something that they can see what is going on in the inside of your body, you're judged by what they can see on the outside of your body. When people look at you and they see the weight gain and the different things going on, the first thing they say, "Well, diet and exercise. If you diet and exercise, you'll be fine." Well, it wasn't just the weight gain, it was also the fatigue. It was you get exhausted from getting up in the morning and taking a shower. I could wake up and say, "Oh, I feel great." In my mind, I'm going to do this, this, and this, but by the time I go and brush my teeth and take a shower, I'm exhausted. I don't feel like doing anything. Sometimes plans with family and friends had to be canceled, Then you stop getting invited to certain things because it's, "Well you're not going to show up anyway, so we just stopped inviting you." That gets to you, too, mentally because it's like, well, wow, now I feel like I'm letting people down or people don't want to be around me. Or it's a thing where it's, "Oh well, she's going to be sick, and nobody wants to be around a sick person that we have to watch what we say and what we do." It's like, well you smoke, but you can't be around me smoking. I'm wearing oxygen. There's a lot physically and mentally that comes along with this that you just have to make an adjustment for. Joining a support group helped me with that because one of the things that is explained to you in a support group and that I also had to wind up explaining to one of my doctors is, you may know medicine, but I know my body. I tell everyone, you have to fight for yourself. I've had that conversation with my lung doctor. I don't care how many letters you may have behind your name, this is my body. I've had it all my life. I know the changes that are going on. I know what's working and what's not working. If you're giving me something or telling me my body should be doing this but it's not doing that, I have to stand up and fight for myself. You only get this one body to work with and whatever happens to it, it's up to you to make sure that you speak up for yourself. I had to learn to do that because I come from an era where the doctor is always right. If your doctor tells you this is wrong or you need to do this or take this, this is what you do. I had to learn that no, because this medicine you've given me, it's not working, or you're telling me I should be walking more or I should be doing this, and my body is responding differently than what you're telling me. I always tell everyone, even in our support groups, when I tell my story, my story is my story. PH affects everyone differently. You know your body. If something isn't right, you have to stand up for yourself and let them know. Don't let anyone silence your voice when it comes to your health or anything else. My self-advocacy started three years into my diagnosis with pulmonary hypertension. I was taking a medication that I was on for about three years, and it stopped working. I felt as though it stopped working because even though I was following my routine of what I was supposed to do, taking the medicine, eating the foods that I'm supposed to eat, keeping my water intake down, no salt, things like that, I was starting to gain the weight again. I was starting to be tired more, have more fatigue. My iron level had dropped. My iron was so low, I was getting IV infusions, and it wasn't raising it any. I said, "Something is wrong," and my doctor at the time felt as though it wasn't. He's like, "No, the medicines that you're on, it's been working all this time." I said, "Yeah, but I'm not a textbook case. Medicines don't always work. They do stop working. Your body sometimes adjusts to the medicine that they take, and it may not work anymore. I feel as though that's the case for me." He didn't want to listen, so I said, "Listen. Well, we're at a standstill right now. Either you're going to have to change, give me some more tests, do whatever you need to do, or else I just have to go somewhere else, but I physically know there is something wrong with my body, because it's telling me. I ignored it in the beginning when I was first diagnosed. I kept rationalizing away my symptoms I was having. I'm not doing that anymore." Just at that time when we were going through that, I received a letter from the pharmaceutical company of the medicine I was taking. It said that if you have this symptom, this symptom, this symptom, that you should stop taking the medication. I had every single symptom on that list except low sperm count. I said, "I think if I was a male, I would've had the low sperm count." So I took that to my doctor and I said, "This is what I received from the pharmaceutical company, and I'm having every last one of these symptoms on here." The low iron was one of them. I said, "You can see that I've been doing iron infusion and it's not working." Then from that, that's when we had more tests done. A new medication was induced. That's why I tell people, you have to fight for yourself. If you know that something is wrong with your body. Stick up for yourself. I am still with that doctor. He loves me. I love him. We give each other little jabs every now and then, but I love him. I trust him now. He trusts me. He told me, "Nola, you are one rare patient." I said, "Well we all are. We have a rare disease. We're all rare patients." He said, "Well you're special because, boy, I tell you. You're the one that told me 'Doctor,' he was like, 'You say, 'You can't treat all patients the same. Everybody is not a textbook case.'" He said, "You drilled this and drilled that." He said, "I get it. Sometimes doctors know best, but I appreciate you sticking up for what you really believe. Something was wrong with you and you stuck with it." I'm like, "Well that's one thing you've learned about me." So 13 years later, he told me I abandoned him for his nurse practitioner, because I see her more now, but I said, "Because you're more on the research side." But he's still my pulmonologist, and I really enjoy going to see him now. My journey with PH today is a little different from what it was when I was first diagnosed years ago. For one, I'm no longer on oxygen, which is great. I enjoy the freedom of moving around without that. But I also have to still limit myself, because even though I'm no longer on it, and there may be days when I feel like, oh, I can do this, I can do that, it'll easily shut you down and let you know, okay, nope, I'm still here. You're doing too much today. But what I also just found out from a test that I had is that I now have to take two medications for my pulmonary hypertension. I was just on one. They found that my lungs had a little scarring. It's moderate, as they call it. Now, I have an inhaler that I take along with my regular oral medication. I do find as time goes on, I'm getting more fatigued. I'm not as active as I used to be, which is hard to believe. I was so sick I could hardly move around, but in between those years, there were some good years where I was a little more active. I still can't master, though, walking in the sand on the beach. That's still challenging. I never realized how challenging it would be to do something as simple as that. But I can do my daily tasks. I just have to limit everything that I do and not try to do everything at once, but in stages. But I do have a better quality of life now than I had in the beginning. I always tell everybody, be your own advocate. If you have any problems and you feel like you need a little encouragement, call me. I’ll help give you a little encouragement. I'm actually, co-president of the support group that we have at the hospital that I attend, so I enjoy it. I really do. Speaking to other people, talking to them about it. I can go on and on all day about PAH, but the only important thing I like to share is, remember, my story is my story. We're all different. PAH affects people differently. It also depends the other illnesses you may have, because I have scleroderma, as well. So like I said, my story is my story. My name is Nola Martin, and I'm aware that I am rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: info@phaware.com 

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[lavendertowerarchives]

It just doesn't stop.

I log back in again to this damned account only when JH shuns me. I notice this from the last couple of things I posted, it's all me whining about how she doesn't talk to me. Well, she did it again. Hence, I returned. This time, for more reasons than that, but that's still the most prevalent reason.

For context, I just moved into the "dorms" for my college (they're technically not dorms but they're still student housing, just roll with it) and she happens to live right next to me. She's goin through some medical shit which I happen to have experience with, so I'm thinkin I could help her. She doesn't ask for my help. So be it, she wants me away for the duration of her pain. She doesn't respond to my message of "what's up" for almost 2 days. So be it.

We go to the same dorm meeting, and I tell her where I am. She makes no effort to come see me. Not only that, but I try to catch up to her after the meeting ends and realize she was like 20 feet from me the whole time. She doesn't even look my way, leaving for the elevator before I could get to her. She didn't want to talk, and now I know she doesn't even want to see me. This fucks me up.

So now I'm depressed. I try to talk to other friends, but they aren't JH. JH doesn't want me in any capacity.

Today was the first day of class. I wish her happy birthday this morning. No response. I hear her plans are to down a bottle of vodka tonight from E, who she has a class with. JH won't even talk to me.

I know she has her own issues, her own mental dialogue, her own wants and needs, and I respect that and acknowledge that. But all I see, and all she shows me, is her shunning me. My partner posits that it's due to the fact that JH knows I think she's hot, etc., and they may be correct. Maybe I scared her off a long time ago and she's keeping up the facade of friendship simply because we have a mutual friend in E.

Speculation will only get me so far. I can build justification for literally anything I think of about her actions, ranging from "she can't wait to fuck my partner again" to "she's just as socially anxious as I am." These scenarios are worth nothing, yet I can't stop excusing/explaining/justifying her behavior. In the end, I'm just alone. That's how it feels, even when I'm surrounded by friends and my partner. One person shunning me is all it takes for my mental health to plummet.

[icanonlybe-human]

Okay, bit of an update.

I had a meltdown the other day. It got to the point where I had to call my aunt to come get me because I was too upset to drive back to Ju’s after work. I’m still not going great. In fact I’m worse now than I’ve ever been.

Basically, my boss told me he didn’t think I was ever going to be suitable for my current role, that I should look for a new position in another company, and proceeded to accuse me of staring at my computer screen doing nothing all day. All because another person reported to my boss that I was doing a 3rd of the amount that I was actually doing. Then, on Friday, I caught my boss glaring at me as I walked out.

It took me a bit to process, because y’know, autism. But I’ve come to realise that when I called the meeting to talk to the boss and K, they were thinking I was going to hand in my resignation. The more I told them about how I’m autistic and might need some accommodations, the more the facial expression on my boss got sour.

People always think that just because I don’t look people in the eyes, or because I’m autistic, I don’t/can’t read facial expressions. I notice them in the moment and after a lot of reflection I realise the emotion behind it.

And fuck, coming to the realisation that my boss doesn’t just not want me in this role, but wants me gone, it fucking sucks.

So that, some of the stuff he said in between, and the whole thing with Tya falling to bits just sent me plummeting. I realised that my hope for my future basically hinged on this job. It hinged on moving to my own place with Tya. It relied on me getting a dog, either for a buddy or as a service dog. And everything that I’d been hoping for this past year, everything I have built up, friendships that had taken me a year and a half to create, has all been ripped from underneath me. And it’s all happening in a fucking recession.

Even now, my big concern is how I keep paying for my mental health stuff if I don’t have a job. Rent and stuff goes away because I’d end up moving home. But mental health? And how would I access it properly? I wouldn’t be anywhere near them anymore.

I just know my headspace is fucked when I can’t even bring myself to talk to MC about it. In high school, in uni, even afterwards, she was always someone that I could tell stuff to and encouraged me to tell stuff to. But this? How bad I am at the moment? I couldn’t bring myself to put that on her.

A lot has happened in 2023. I don’t think I can take anything else happening.

[peonierose]

Once (2/5)

Book: The Nanny Affair & Open Heart Crossover / AU

**This story takes place before it was revealed that Addison would come back/is alive **

Part II of IV / Miniseries

Pairing: Sam Dalton (M!MC) x Addison Dalton (F!MC)

Words: 600+

TW: Illness, cancer, mental health

Rating: Angst

Summary: Addison has stage four ovarian cancer. So Sam and Addi seek a consultation with Dr. Ethan Ramsey at Edenbrook. Will they make it in time?

A/N: I wrote this story in October 2021 and I haven’t even realized my anger, grief and all my sad emotions made it into this mini series. This is for a good friend of mine her name was Mira. She was a bright star that unfortunately lost her fight against ovarian cancer on Dec, 19th. 2019. She was a true fighter, a genuinely nice person. We love you Mira. And you will always stay with us. No matter what happens. Mira this is for you. Because you deserve everything good in this world. Because you went away too soon. In honor and in memory for our dear friend Mira 💚

P.S. Here’s a list of songs I was inspired by give it a listen it you want 😊

———————————————————

'Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me I'd never seen

You took my soul wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

Kodaline - All I want

———————————————————

Part II

Addison should be home by now. How long does it take you to use the subway to get home? I’m impatiently tapping my foot against the carpeted floor, as if that would make her appear faster.

I’m chewing on my bottom lip and start pacing from one end of the of the room to another wearing a path in the carpet. Wanting my phone to signal me there’s a new message or that I missed a call.

I tried calling her, but figured she had bad service.

Tried again.

Nothing. Straight to voicemail.

No new text messages and no calls either.

Worry is settling in. Twisting my stomach in knots.

Making me imagine the worst-case scenarios in my head. My mind spinning with things that could’ve happened. I let out a long breath. So consumed with my thoughts I almost didn’t hear my phone ring. It takes a second to register.

“Addi? Where are you. Look I…“ I get interrupted by a female voice that I don’t recognize on the other end.

“Mr. Dalton?“ the female voice asks.

“Speaking.“ I swear to god, if this is one of Robins pranks again, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.

“I’m Dr. Delarosa you had an appointment scheduled for a consultation today.“

“Of course. Sorry for not connecting the dots immediately. What can I do for you.“ I exhale on a nervous breath waiting for her reply.

“Your consultation is not the reason I’m calling Mr. Dalton.“

My stomach plummets to my feet, my hearts racing and my palms start to get sweaty. Making it difficult to hold the phone in my hand.

“Please tell me, what’s going on?“ I say while goosebumps break out all over my skin.

She sighs on the other end. All thoughts coming to a standstill. All I can think about is Addison. I can’t lose her. Please not like this.

“There’s been a subway accident. Your wife was rushed to the ER….“ she keeps on talking, it’s as if I haven’t even heard her.

My blood runs cold. All I can hear is the word accident. My knees almost give out under me. My pulse is hammering in my chest, and all I can think is I need to get to her right now.

“How severe are her injuries?“ I ask. While there’s a storm of raging emotions swirling inside of me.

I hear some rustling of papers then Dr. Delarosa is on the line again.

“According to her chart, she sustained severe head trauma and internal bleeding, and lost a lot of blood. She’s already in the OR.“

I’m putting on shoes not even bothering to take a jacket with me. Already getting out the door. Not caring about anything. I just want to be there, before it’s too late.

“You already started? But…“

Dr. Delarosa speaks in a gentle voice which I recognize is used to soothe someones nerves. As a doctor she’s probably had to do that many times. But it never gets easier.

“We didn’t have the luxury of time Mr. Dalton. We had to start immediately. Otherwise..“

Otherwise she would already be dead. I close my eyes for a second, letting out a ragged breath. I cannot lose it right now. It’s not an option. Get your shit together Sam. You can break down and cry later. Now you’ve got to be strong for Addi.

“Thank you Dr. Delarosa. I’m on my way,“ I say.

“We’re doing everything we can. She’s in very good hands.“

Meaning they don’t know if she’s going to make it or not. Not wanting to take away hope. Still doing their best.

With those final words she hangs up. I stare at the phone. Speechless.

I order an uber and tell the guy to step on it. I arrive at the hospital and get out.

I try to move but it’s like my feet are frozen to the ground. Thinking about what to do. While a million memories are going through my head in warp speed. I start running towards the hospital.

I swallow down. I have to be strong for her now. Everything else can wait.

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[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Choose Me Instead II Draco Malfoy x Reader II Ch. 24 of 27: Graduation

Summary: Pretending to be in a relationship with Draco Malfoy to get back at your ex might have not been the smartest idea you ever had. Especially during your last year of Hogwarts where you should be focusing on exams and your future plans. However, you were just pretending. There was no way in hell you could actually catch feelings for someone like Malfoy. … Right?

Choose Me Instead Masterlist

Words: 3.2k Pairing: Draco Malfoy x fem!Reader, post-war Warnings: mentions of mental health issues incl. self-harm (only in like 2 sentences tho)

Four weeks until graduation …

Draco Malfoy and you were over. Whatever glimpse of happiness and fleeting bliss had been bestowed upon you – it was gone. It was gone and you were alone again. In your head, you replayed your last time together over and over and over until you felt sick to your stomach. For months did you pretend not to feel anything for him beyond friendship but damn, you loved him. You loved with him with every fiber of your body. Every thought on every day was devoted to him and him only. You looked for him in the hallways, glanced at him during class and each time your eyes met, another piece of your heart broke.

To be quite honest, you weren’t worried about yourself as much as you worried about him. You spoke to Theo from time to time, asking him about Draco. He told you exactly what you had suspected all along: his dreams had gotten worse. He skipped therapy sessions, spent his days scribbling in his black notebook instead. You knew it wasn’t fair to you but you still couldn’t help but blame yourself.

During meals, you watched him with Astoria who was glued to his side. To your surprise, she seemed happier. Even though she grew paler with each day she wore a smile on her face. An honest, happy smile. You heard her laugh and wondered if it had been this beautiful all the time. You watched her talk to Draco with a spark in her eyes that hadn’t been there before. You wanted to hate her but seeing her like this? It certainly made it harder for you to do so. Still, each time you saw them walking to class or sit outside on the grass, your stomach plummeted and on particularly bad days, tears filled your eyes.

Eventually, you grew sick of feeling this way. You had fought hard for your own happiness to return after all the shit you went through and to now have it taken away from you in an instant by him felt humiliating. The whole mess started because you wanted to hurt Ron. So how did you end up hurting instead?

You tried tuning out the pain by burying yourself in work. Studying, quidditch training, stupid parties in the Gryffindor common room – you tried anything and everything to numb down the pain. It worked. For the most part. However, your thoughts always began to stray after a while. As soon as his image popped up in your mind, you pinched yourself as if you were trying to wake up from a bad dream. One time, you did it during a therapy session and Merlin, did you regret that. The lecture about self-harm that followed was definitely not worth it.

The days grew warmer. Sunlight fell through the dusty windows of the Hogwarts classrooms, the smell of flowers and freshly cut grass filled the air. Summer had begun to knock on the door. You weren’t ready to open it yet. Once summer arrived, your life would change once again.

However, before that happened you still had to get through your exams. You dreaded the thought of taking them. These past months … well, to put it gently, your focus hadn’t been on school exactly. Sure, you spent hours upon hours in the library but you weren’t sure how much of the things you read actually stuck with you.

“Ready?”, Ginny asked you the morning of your final exams.

You glanced at her and shook your head. She laughed. “Come on, it won’t be that bad. We’ve taken thousands of exams, we’ll get through it. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Y/N doesn’t achieve the grades she needs to become an auror,” Hermione chimed in matter-of-factly. “That’s the worst that can happen.”

“Thanks, Mione,” you said dryly.

She smiled at you apologetically. “It won’t come to this, don’t worry. You got this. We all do.” She took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

 ***

Two weeks until graduation …

You sat together with Ginny and Hermione at the Black Lake, feet dangling in the water, eyes closed as you enjoyed the sunrays warming your face. Ginny kept on talking about the tryouts for the Holyhead Harpies that would take place just a few days after graduation while you and Hermione only occasionally commented. You reassured her that she would do just fine. After all, there was no doubt in your mind that Ginny Weasley would join the team and have a successful quidditch career ahead of her.

After a while, the conversation shifted. Hermione worried about the amount of reading she had to do before her internship at the Ministry of Magic started, and you snorted. “They don’t expect you to know everything about the job beforehand, y’know?”

“Well, good impressions are important,” she replied.

During the whole afternoon, the topic of your future plans didn’t come up. Your friends sensed your apprehension regarding that particular topic. After the utter debacle that was your exams, you tried to forget that you were supposed to have an idea of what to do with your life in just about two weeks. You still waited on a letter from the Ministry, waited for the news that your plan had worked out. That you could become an auror, a dream you had since you could think. Yet, you screwed up and you weren’t sure if your performance in the final exams was enough to get you a placement. Thankfully, your parents were still too wound up in the whole drama Alissa brought with her. They didn’t even ask how your exams went and you weren’t mad. The importance of exams paled in comparison to the prospect of a life sentence in Azkaban.

A bee buzzed close to your ear and you opened your eyes again.

 ***

One week before graduation …

“You look horrible, darling.”

You rolled your eyes when Theo appeared by your side. You were on your way to the Great Hall, earlier than usual in an attempt to study a few more minutes in the library before your first class. “Thank you, Theodore. Just what a woman wants to hear before breakfast.”

He snickered. “Apologies.” Then he held his hands out, motioning you to give him some of the books in your arms to help you carry them.

“Accepted,” you said and gave him the whole pile of books instead. He groaned and you chuckled at him. “How are you then?”, you asked.

“Relieved about the fact that school is almost over.” He dodged a first year student who ran past him and one books slid dangerously close to the edge of the pile. You were surprised by how many students were already awake.

“Any plans for what comes after?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “Travel.”

You looked at him in surprise. “Travel?”

“Blaise and I are going to travel around Europe for a few months,” he explained. “I need to get out of the country where everyone knows me as ‘that Death Eaters kid’ and Blaise is simply loaded with money and doesn’t want to work.” The two of you laughed at the last statement. “And afterwards …” Theo shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

“That sounds nice,” you sighed. “When will you leave?”

“After Draco’s wed-” He stopped midsentence. “Ah, shit.”

You bit your tongue. Actually bit it. “It’s official then,” you said softly. “I haven’t seen the announcement yet.”

Theo stopped. You had almost reached the Great Hall. The Slytherin looked at you with sympathy. “It’ll come out today.” He lowered his voice: “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You avoided his gaze. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Theodore stayed quiet until you resumed your walk. “For what it’s worth, he doesn’t love her,” he finally said. The statement hurt even more.

“What a fucking mess we made.”

Theo nodded. He didn’t say anything else. When you walked into the Great Hall, he handed you the books back and softly squeezed your arm before mumbling: “I’m really sorry.”

He was right – the Daily Prophet printed the announcement of the wedding on that same day. Yet, when an owl dropped the paper onto your plate, you were oddly calm. You lowered the glass of orange juice carefully and rolled up the newspaper. Their picture was on the front page.

Astoria’s beauty was unlike anything you had ever seen. She wore a simple black dress and was glowing in the picture. She smiled widely as her gaze switched between Draco and the camera. Spooky how different she looked. You wondered if they had used magic to hide the circles underneath her eyes and the sunken-in cheeks. Draco stood beside her, wearing his trademark simple, black suit. His back was straight, his eyes focused on the camera. He didn’t smile.

As if you had felt his stare, you looked up. Draco sat across the hall at the Slytherin table, Greengrass – his fiancée – by his side who excitedly showed the article to Parkinson. You forced yourself to smile but it didn’t reach your eyes. He turned away. Just in time to miss the tears you had to blink away.

This isn’t right, you thought, none of this is right.

 ***

One day before graduation …

Tears streamed down your face as another sob shook your body. You stared at the letter in your hand, reading it over and over again. At this point, you had memorized every word but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop.

Dear Ms. Y/N Y/L/N,

When an owl brought you the letter, you didn’t open it immediately. You didn’t want to do it in front of your friends, already sensing what was written inside of it. So instead you grabbed it and went to the bleachers of the Quidditch field. High up above, where no one would interrupt you.

We regret to inform you …

It wasn’t entirely unsuspected but it didn’t hinder the tears from dwelling up. Before you knew it, they streamed down your face. Cold fear gripped your heart. This is it, you thought, it’s all over now. Your entirely life you wanted to become an auror. You had no plan b, no other option, it had always been this. And now you failed.

“Y/N?” The voice caused you to whirl around. “What happened?” Draco. His eyes widened in shock and concern when he saw your face. With three long strides he crossed the distance between the two of you.

“Draco …”, you whimpered and then he was there, pulling you into a tight hug.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he whispered and held you tighter. Instinctively, you relaxed against his body and let him embrace you. It felt so right. “Shh, it’s fine, it’s all going to be fine.” He repeated over and over. Sobs shook your body while your tears drenched his uniform. It felt as if hours had passed until you finally began to calm down. With each shaking breath, the scent of his cologne wrapped itself around you.

“What happened?”, Draco asked again when no more sobs escaped you and you quietly buried your face in his shoulders. Without a word, you held up the letter. A few seconds passed and Draco snorted. “Well, their loss,” he said, audibly disgusted.

You whimpered another time. “It’s all my fault. I should’ve done more, I-I …” You wiped over your eyes. “What do I do now, Draco?”

He sighed before he answered: “Anything you want. Y/N, you’re intelligent, clever, witty, beautiful – you can do anything you want.”

“Except for becoming an auror,” you scoffed.

“Maybe. So what?” He shrugged. “Fuck them. It’s their loss.”

You remained silent. Draco had his arms still wrapped around you. In this position, you almost forgot your situation. This felt so … normal. So right, so natural. As if it was meant to be. As if he was the one to hold you in this exact moment. You thought about asking why he was up here on this night but held your tongue. A part of you wanted to believe that it was because of you. Everything started up here on the bleachers, last year in September. Right here, the two of you talked for the first time in years. A conversation, you could recall to this day. Everything began here. Maybe he came back because he hoped to find you here. You wanted to believe that.

“It’s all I ever wanted to do,” you whispered after a moment. “I don’t have a plan b. I –” Another tear rolled down your cheek. He looked at you, his grey eyes full of love and adoration, and wiped it away.

“You’re hurting, I know. I’m sorry, sweetheart. It’s going to be alright though, I promise.”

You smiled sadly. “Everything goes to shit in my life, everything! The fucking war is over and yet I can’t seem to catch a fucking breath.”

“I believe, the war will stay with us for a lot longer than we thought,” Draco whispered. He didn’t let go of you as he watched the castle in the distance. The sun begun to set and drowned the Scottish landscape in its golden light. It was a marvelous sight.

Sudden music caused you to flinch. A group of seventh year students had arrived on the Quidditch field. Loud voices and laughter mixed with the rhythm of a new popular song. They weren’t from your house, you realized.

“I should leave,” Draco said. And when you recognized Astoria’s high-pitched scream as a drunken Blaise picked her up, you knew why he was here to begin with. Not for you. For them.

“Yes, right, I’m sorry.” You cleared your throat and sat up straight. Draco let go of you reluctantly before he got up. He looked at you and you wondered if he was going to say something. But even if he wanted to, he didn’t. He only nodded and then made his way towards the stairs.

“I feel as if I should congratulate you on the engagement but …”, you suddenly spoke up.

Draco stopped and glanced at you. “Don’t.”

You saw how a shadow flickered over his face. Then you remembered something else. “Wait, I have something for you.” You reached inside your back and pulled out a picture. He looked at you in surprise when he gave it to you. It was a picture of you two from the last Christmas, taken during a dinner. Draco had his arm wrapped around you and raised a glass of wine, an amused smirk on his face. You laughed in it, covering your mouth with your hand. It was the only picture of the two of you but you loved it. It showed Draco the way he truly was. The way he made you feel every time you looked at him.

“You carried it with you this whole time?”, he asked softly. He held the picture so carefully as if he was afraid to accidentally damage it.

You gave a half shrug. “Only for the last few days. I hoped to catch you alone at some point.”

“Thank you.”

“Will I see you?”

He looked up at the question.

“After graduation, I mean?”, you clarified. “Maybe send me an owl once or twice a year? I need to know you’re okay.”

“So you can rip out my heart again, little Gryffindor?”

You opened and closed your mouth at the statement. Draco chuckled. “I’ll do it. If you promise me to reply.”

“I promise.”

You didn’t know it yet but Draco would keep his promise. However, when you received his first letter, you broke yours.

 ***

A few weeks after graduation …

The last day of school came and went. Funny how you had expected it to be filled with tears and laughter when, in the end, it was just another insignificant day of the year. To be fair, some tears had been shed. Long hugs with your friends and promises to stay in touch were shared on the train station in King’s Cross before all of you parted ways.

Your parents picked you up. They looked like mere shells of themselves as they kissed you on the cheek. A lump formed in your throat when you saw their sad faces. They had aged immensely in these past few months, the stress had left deep wrinkles and tired eyes behind.

They didn’t speak much on this day. They only hugged you when you told them about the rejection from the Ministry. “I’m so sorry, darling,” your father had mumbled, “you’ll find something else, I’m sure.” A part of you was relieved they didn’t ask any further questions.

The next morning, your mother had asked you if you wanted to see Alissa. You didn’t. You couldn’t. The mere mention of her name made you grit your teeth. Alissa was the reason for all the suffering in your family’s life. For all the heartbreak and tears. All the sisterly feelings had shrunken during the past year. Now you were left with rage and hatred when you heard her name.

“Will you please come to the court hearing in two weeks then?”, your mother had asked when she noticed the expression on your face and you had agreed.

And here you were. Standing in your kitchen, a cup of freshly brewed tea in your hand while you listened to your parents screaming at each other upstairs. You had just come home from the hearing and now looked outside into the garden. The roses, once your mother’s pride and joy, were neglected, you noticed. Their heads hung, most of them dried up from the summer sun.

“Twenty-five years in Azkaban,” you mumbled to yourself. Alissa’s future. Twenty-five years locked away on an island. You had hoped the sentence would give you satisfaction. It didn’t. Instead it frightened you. Would Alissa survive this? Twenty-five years without seeing her family? Would your mother survive it? Or would she wither like the roses in her garden?

You took a sip of your tea and wondered how your life changed once again, now that the problem of Alissa was finally … resolved. It ended. The anxious waiting, the not knowing … it all ended. By now, she would have already arrived in the prison cell that would be her home for the years to come.

You hadn’t spoken to her. You had watched her in the courtroom while she didn’t look up at your family. During the whole hearing, her eyes were locked on the ground and she remained silent. It was the strangest sight – the broken-down woman in the dirty dress wasn’t your sister. The fiery spirit inside her had left a long time ago together with her beauty and wits. You stared at Alissa, desperately trying to find a glimpse of the sister you once knew and loved. You were unsuccessful. This woman was a stranger and your sister was dead. And you wanted nothing more than to simply move on.

“The nerve this family has,” your father muttered behind you. “Unbelievable.”

You sat the tea cup down on the counter and turned to him. The screaming had stopped, you realized. You had been so lost in your thoughts, you hadn’t noticed how your father came downstairs again.

“What are you talking about?”, you asked.

Your father shook his head and handed you an envelope without another word. Your gaze fell onto the dark green emblem printed on the back and suddenly, your throat felt very, very dry. You’d recognize the sign anywhere. With shaking hands you opened the envelope and pulled out a card. 

“Can you believe it?”, your father asked. “They actually have the nerve to invite us to his wedding?”

***

A/N: I hope you liked it! Feedback is always appreciated! We’re almost finished with this story, I’m so sad btw.

CHAPTER 25

CMI Masterlist HP Masterlist

The tag list for this story is closed! <3

Tag List:  @writerdee1701,  @sjmahoney, @detroitobsessed, @takura-rin @wynterwind, @mina672, @doitforthevine67, @flowerpowerpixie, @gold-flowing, @starkssnarks, @bookcornerkins, @harpersmariano, @markedsweetly, @iraniq, @pointlesscoconut, @hvrcruxes, @pillowjj, @idkatee,  @magicwithaknife, @graystherapy, @nxstalgicnxbxdy, @sunsetsofanemoia, @s4dthrills, @tommy-holland, @lordfxxker, @streetfighterrichie, @awaken-the-sirens, @destiels-assbutt13, @pockitparks, @cuddlykoala101, @zpandaqueen, @jjjmaybank, @justmesadgirl, @books-and-tings, @katiaw2, @saintkore, @nctnight, @lifestragedy, @obxmxybxnk, @spideydobik, @ladylizzieofdarbyshire, @aspiring-ginger, @dracomalfoyswifey, @jpow345, @realistic-breadstick, @abbs-is-tired, @alwaysbeanunknownfan, @niallsarmveinstho, @is-this-a-febreze-commercial, @acciowilltolive,  @sexytholland, @faangirl101, @donttellany1iusetumbler, @mendesmuffinsss, @lilxnvm, @kill-the-teen-memories, @darkusangelus, @p0gue420, @itsbebeyyy, @hesaidimcrazy, @jenniweaslee, @brisbubble, @xomaymay, @serialkillme, @angel-tears15, @panicattheeverywherekid, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything, @nobleking, @ddaeing, @randogirlo-fando-main, @sadgirlnumber92899, @captivateing, @smiithys, @ninipoo1, @intheawks, @cherrylita, @nothanksnyla, @calpal-4ever, @dracosathenaeum, @belsandthings, @kiwi-sloan, @xdmx, @live-awkward, @babebenhardy, @bitchysweets-blog, @cravingmusic, @frau-moon, @ohissandhalasta, @broken-but-beautiful-cassie, @lil-black-heart, @vminenthusiastt, @dracos-slut, @saucysuazo, @fuzzzwald, @matsuno-nadeshiko, @amber-arsenault, @loveableasshole, @thehippyprepster, @spideycures, @echpr,  @shiningstar-byulxx, @twinklebug2282, @bloodiedroses, @klthmef, @ostorian, @bi-chai-tea, @amandaluvssupernatural, @makeoutwithstiles, @tenclouds, @lovingdracomalfoy, @lannaax, @dr-bitch-bby, @fallinallinmendes, @suckerforparker, @runninglownad, @piercinghorizons, @dosicas 

[hxt1b]

A Boy Like Him

Jeno x Reader

Requested Prompt 13 Pretend Girlfriend for  @deepangelchaos

Genre: Fluff, maybe a little angsty  

WC: 2.8k

Warning: Swearing, Mental Health (y/n has a panic attack)  

Masterlist 

Prompt List, for any requests anyone may have. 

There were many moments in a day you wondered 'what the fuck is my life?' Many times you'd look in the mirror and it would be hard for you to remember what your life use to be like. The past four months had been a fast blur of media, paparazzi and fake public cuddles. You weren't made for this shit but somehow you literally drew the short stick. 

"You want us to what?" Aera asked looking at your manager shocked. You could tell your best friend was not pleased by what you'd just been told. Sena also grumbled from your left. 

"It's only a year." He said looking at the three of you expectantly, "only one of you has to do it and its exposure. Come on." He wasn't selling it very well. You sighed. 

"Why us?" Sena asked. 

"I don't know they just asked us." He replied. 

"Why now?" Aera asked. Your manager shrugged again. 

"Look it'll be good for your YouTube careers, that's a lot of people who will want to know who you are and they'll watch you. A lot of new fans!" He said. 

"A lot of fucking hate too." You said glaring at him. 

"Good comes with the bad." He said. You sighed weighing his options. 

"Just think about it." 

So the three of you thought about it, in the end, he was right. You could steadily grow your YouTube channel, you already were, but this would make it a lot faster, and it couldn't really hurt could it?

"Are you ready?" Jeno asked snapping you out of your thoughts. You nodded closing your laptop lid and standing up. 

Sena fluttered out of the other room, her energy high not matched by anyone else in the room. Aera followed her hands tucked into her pocket. One glance towards Jeno and she had a scowl growing on her face.  

You laughed awkwardly getting in between her and Jeno. You realized that you were the reason for the anger directed at the boy however that didn't make the situation any less awkward in your head. 

"Let's film?" Sena said clapping her hands. Jeno nodded not saying anything and let you and your friends lead the way to your filming studio. 

You watched as Jeno walked up to the two seats set up for you both and sat down next to you. Sena slipped behind the camera, and Aera took a seat next to a table with a laptop on it off-camera. 

"Okay rolling in 3, 2…" Sena pointed at you. 

"Hello, my dudes." You started clapping lightly getting the attention of every mic in the room and the viewers. You launched straight into a short intro. "Welcome back to our channel. Everyone has been asking for this video a lot so here we are today, as you can probably tell from the title of the video we're doing the boyfriend tag." You looked over at Jeno a smile on your face, he smiled back at you his eyes disappearing. 

Your stomach turned, that fluttery feeling that you'd rarely ever felt. And your awkward smile fell to a much more relaxed one as you looked at him continuing to speak to the camera. It was sad though, and you knew it, your crush on him. 

"This is fake you know what right?" He clarified the day you met. You nodded quickly irritated in your head, you'd read the damn contract. 

"Good okay we're supposed to 'hang out' together for a couple of hours and make sure that we get spotted by the paparazzi." You nodded as he explained that he was going to walk around with you for a few minutes and then you'd be coming back to his dorm to sit around. Little did you know that after your very very short walk around the park that when you'd get back she would be here. 

So there you were stuck in NCT dreams dorm while your fake boyfriend didn't even want to get to know you on a basic human level. 

He told you to watch TV while he went into his room with his actual girlfriend. Lucky for you Chenle came into the living room only seconds later. The younger boy didn't say anything just sat down next to you and watched the anime you'd put on. 

"He's not a bad person." He randomly said you just nodded not knowing what he was saying."I mean you know why the company made the contract right?" Chenle asked. 

"How did you two meet?" Aera asked. Her voice flat. You glanced over at her keeping the smile on your face. 

"Well," You started. 

"At the park." Jeno cut you off, adjusting in his seat. "I was on a bike ride. These three were at the park taking photo's they asked me to take a photo. I thought they meant with me but they meant of them, it was awkward." He chuckled and you also laughed lightly. That had happened. The first time he met your friends you'd all gone to the park, Sena had asked for a picture. 

"He's grumpy today." You sighed as the three of you sat on the bench overlooking the green field after taking the pictures. 

"He seems to always be fucking grumpy," Aera said rolling her eyes. 

"I mean cut him some slack his girlfriend did leave him," Sena said. Aera snickered. 

"She was a bitch and everyone knew it. His friend knew it the company knew it. That's why this contract exists in the first place because if word had gotten out that he was dating her his reputation would have plummeted so they looked for someone that would make him look good." Aera sneered in the direction of Jeno, he was on the phone talking to Jaemin. "When she was done with him she left." 

After that Aera never warmed up to him. 

In all honesty, you regretted telling your friends. Aera was too quick to judgement, Sena was kinder sometimes too kind. You needed a good medium, someone who would complain but not hate, but they were what you had and together you got the balance, but there were moments where you didn't. 

You stared at Jeno as Aera and Sena began to debate how he should react and how he should handle it, but you'd been there when she'd left him. You were on the couch with Chenle watching your fifth anime together in the three weeks that you'd been coming over. 

Jeno had cried. She was bad for him, but he'd loved her. 

The questions continued, and the two of you continued to tell half-truths, stories you'd both been told to create. You didn't flinch outwardly when Jeno pulled your chair closer to his pulling you into his side, and you tried your best to keep calm when his arm circled your waist. It's just for the camera you told yourself. 

"Now for the fan questions," Aera said, turning the laptop towards you two. You turned your head squinting at the screen. 

"Can you bring it closer?" Jeno asked for you. Aera moved the table in front of you and set up the laptop. 

"Press play." You leaned forwards and did as you were told. A video played on the screen, a clip of an anime. A boy was walking holding two popsicles, he sat on a bench next to a girl and passed her both the treats. 

"They're both mine?" She asked looking over at the boy shocked. He just nodded. 

"You like both flavours right?" He asked as he grew embarrassed. She smiled up at him in the cute anime fashion. 

The clip ended and cut to a paparazzi video of you on a bench, Jeno sitting next to you as you held two popsicles, his arms were crossed over his chest as he looked away from you. You looking at him in amazement much like the girl from the anime. 

"The question that was asked was, 'did you intend to re-create an anime or are you guys just that damn adorable?" Your cheeks flushed as you stared at the laptop. Jeno next to you was also frozen. 

"I guess we're just that damn adorable." He quietly replied. You looked up at him and giggled lightly. He was smiling at you again, you were afraid the butterflies in your stomach were going to kill you. You looked away from him quickly. 

"I don't think we've even seen that anime." You added to his answer. 

"Why can't I have a guy like that." You whined to Chenle as the two of you watched a cute anime couple stand in the middle of a crowded plaza, his hand in her hair as he ruffled it. He'd just told her that he knew her after she accused him of not knowing a single thing about her. He'd proved that he in fact did by handing the character her favourite flower, a rare type of lily. 

"I thought you didn't like romance anime?" Chenle teased. You threw your pillow at him. 

"Shut up." Chenle laughed loudly at your reaction making you laugh. 

You jumped when Jeno walked into the living room scaring you. 

"Want to go for a walk?" He asked. You nodded. 

"Sure." 

You'd ended up at the park as the sun set. 

"Wait here." He'd said motioning for you to sit on the bench, confused you'd sat down as he ran off. He'd come back minutes later with the two popsicles. Handing you them both. 

"Strawberry and Lime." He said, "I know you like both the flavours and I know you have a sweet tooth." 

"Not going to lie, kinda creepy that someone took a video of you two like that," Sena said turning the camera off after you'd closed off the video. 

"It was a paparazzi." You said getting up from the chair. 

"Just gotta go to the bathroom." You added and quickly left the room. Sitting that close to him was always hard for you. That popsicle incident was a month after he'd gotten dumped, he'd hung out with you a little bit more before the day at the park and your interactions had only grown after that but they were all friendly not enough to call you guys good friends though. 

You turned the faucet on letting the water cool your sweating hands. Your heart was racing and you couldn't calm the damn butterflies, your head replaying the way he pulled your chair to him, flashing you the memories of him giving you the cold treats. 

"It's fake." Aera's voice said in your head. 

"It's fake." You muttered to yourself.  

After drying your hands you pulled the door open and jumped when you almost bumped into Jeno. He was leaning on the wall right next to the bathroom. 

"Are you waiting for the bathroom?" You asked, he shook his head, his hand reaching out and grabbing your sleeve. He fiddled with the thumb hole of your hoodie, the butterflies you'd been trying to stomp out coming back. 

"I was waiting for you, it's really awkward being in a room with Aera she keeps on giving me a death glare." You laughed, bringing his eyes up to yours. 

"Y/N," He started his voice quiet. 

"Y/N!" Sena yelled running out and barrelling towards you a huge smile on her face. 

"WE JUST HIT A MILLION SUBSCRIBERS." 

"WE DID?" You asked your hand flying to your friend forcing Jeno to let go of your sleeve. 

"HELL YEAH WE DID," Aera said running into the hallway as well, as Sena pulled you in for a hug. Aera slamming into the both of you not even a second later. 

—

You typically never paid attention to the hate, but as your numbers grew so did the rude and obnoxious comments. 

"You're not watching," Chenle whined as you scrolled on your phone. 

"Sorry." You mumbled as you tossed the phone onto the couch, your eyes caught Jeno's as you turned back to the TV. He'd started watching with you a couple of weeks ago. 

 You didn't keep your gaze with his long, just turned to the screen. But you couldn't watch, your brain was reeling with the hate. It was like they forgot you were a human being. Some people would act like you having other friends was a crime. There was a portion of the internet rioting over a photo of you and Jaemin. 

Renjun had wanted the boys to go get lunch together at a restaurant, complaining about being stuck inside all the time. No one had the heart to say no, not even you. 

The picture was taken as you all exited the place, Jaemin had grabbed the back of your shirt as you'd tripped, but it looked odd. The next photo was of him pulling you into him. 

That was a week ago the two of you were being called all sorts of names. Chenle had told you to ignore it, that it will blow over, but it was easier said than done. Not being able to focus as your eyes blurred you excused yourself to the bathroom. 

Taking your phone with you. Your hands shook as you locked the bathroom and sank to the floor, you were determined to not cry over the hate but it was starting to feel like you couldn't breathe.

You scrolled through your contacts and called your friends, neither answered. Their phones off. You knew they'd gone to see a movie today, but you'd hoped that maybe their phones wouldn't be off. 

You went to the sink and turned on the water, watching the cold water swirl into the drain as you tried to calm your breathing, it wasn't working. 

A knock on the bathroom door startled you. 

"Y/N" It was Jeno. "Are you okay?" He asked. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror, your eyes were red with unshed tears and you looked frazzled. 

"Y-yeah." You replied your voice shaking slightly. 

"Can I come in?" He asked. You froze for a second before turning off the faucet and unlocking the door letting him know he could come in. 

He opened the door slowly as he came into the bathroom. He looked at you for a second before his arms came around you pulling you into his chest. You began to cry, as he shushed you. He didn't say anything further, just held you until you calmed down. 

An hour later you were sat on his bed Jeno next to you as he told you about his favourite anime that he wanted you and Chenle to watch with him. You nodded as he spoke taking in every word that came out of his perfect mouth. 

You couldn't help but want to kiss him as his enthusiasm about the anime grew. His eyes were shining. You hadn't seen Jeno like this, and it wasn't helping with your feelings. Your heart was doing summersaults, he stopped talking as you stared at him. 

"Are you listening to me?" He asked snapping you out of your daze. 

"Of course." You replied crossing your legs on his bed as he moved closer to you. 

"Are you sure?" He asked, and you laughed awkwardly, "what did I just say?"  

"Are you sure?" You answered smartly, a teasing tone as you smiled at him. He narrowed his eyes at you, his lips pouting. 

You opened your mouth to say something, but the words flew out of your brain as Jeno pressed his lips against yours, his hand snaking around the side of your face as he pulled you to him. 

Shocked you pulled back, looking at him; eyes wide. 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He said moving back from you. Your brain was in overdrive, so many thoughts flooded in as you stared at him. He was moving away from you. 

You ignored everything in your head and grabbed his wrist. 

"Don't apologize." You said and pulled him back to you, moving your lips to his again, you kissed him slowly taking in the way he felt against you. The way he still tasted like the chocolate he'd just eaten, and given you half of. 

You breathed heavily when he pulled away from you again. 

"Fuck." Was the only word that left his mouth as he stared at you before grabbing you again. 

The next day he texted you asking you to go to the park with him, you met him at the bench he'd given you the popsicles at. He was smiling at you as he approached you, his hand tucked behind his back. 

He came to a stop in front of you, and you looked up at him a curious expression on his face. 

"I got you something." He said and moved his hand towards you. A Levi pop animation bobblehead in his hand. 

"It's your favourite anime right?" You looked up at him shocked and nodded. 

"I knew it." 

[overgrownweed]

Sweet Pea x Male Reader x Fangs Fogarty | Prologue |

Trigger Warning(s): bullying, mentions of animal blood (like a Carrie situation), mentions of not eating/drinking, mentions of trauma, mentions of a suicide attempt, mentions of being sent away to a mental health facility, this is sad and violent, and I’m sorry

Okay so I’ve only seen season 1 and most of season 2 of Riverdale, so please correct me if there are any mistakes. I also have not written anything for any fandom in a while, so my punctuation, comma placement, etc. might not be the best. Final thing, I have never been to a mental health facility nor do I know anybody that’s been in a mental health facility (not that it’s a bad thing. I am not shaming anyone that’s been in a mental health facility), so I am very sorry if I portray mental health facilities and former mental health patients in the wrong way, I will rewrite this if it’s not a good portrayal.

—

(Y/n) (L/n), a now teenage boy who had lived on the Southside until he was 9 when his father had unfortunately died and his mother couldn’t bare living in the same home that reminded her so much of her deceased lover.

Because of his father, (Y/n) was proud to come from the Southside. He believed that everyone that lived there was strong, brave, and overall good people. Unfortunately, that confidence in his past home started to dwindle once he started school.

He made a few friends as the new kid, and everything was going well until they asked where he moved from. Rumors started to spread, and parents began to warn their children to stay away from him, in fear that the young boy’s Southside roots would poison and taint their pure and beautiful children.

When he asked his mother why the other kids stayed away from him, she sighed, hoping that this wouldn’t be the outcome, but knowing that people aren’t that good. She told him that it wasn’t his fault and that he would make new friends soon. (Y/n), now optimistic and fueled with hope, went on his merry way.

But of course, the pubescent Northside children in Riverdale grew up to learn that Southsiders are the villains in all of their childhood stories.

After the ostracizing in elementary came the name-calling in middle school. Snake, villain, evil, serpent, and (Y/n)’s least favorite, bad blood. He tried every time to talk to his mother about it, but being a single mother trying to provide for her child in a not-so-accepting neighborhood, gave the best advice that she could at the time: “just ignore them.”

(Y/n) followed his mother’s advice to the best of his ability, eventually getting used to the bullying and falling into the role of the quiet kid. This carried on until the beginning of his sophomore year, when (Y/n) sought out comfort in tricks, pranks, and laughter. He started small, taking other students’ pencil cases and placing them somewhere around the room. All of his tricks and pranks were harmless, and the worst they did were embarrass a few students for a day or two.

But the prank that seemingly ended it all for (Y/n) was the very last prank he pulled at the end of his sophomore year. He planned to drop water balloons filled with slightly watered down red paint on his main bullies from elementary school to get back at them for the insult “bad blood”. However, the plan failed, and instead of hitting his elementary bullies, he hit Cheryl Blossom, Tina Patel, and Ginger Lopez, popular girls and part of Riverdale’s cheer-leading team, the River Vixens.

(Y/n) apologized profusely to the girls, explaining that he meant to hit his former bullies instead and that the red paint was meant to mimic animal blood. Cheryl took this better than Tina and Ginger, accepting (Y/n)’s apology after a day or two and becoming acquaintances.

A week later, four days before the last day of school, Cheryl announced that she would be having an end-of-the-year party at her family’s estate, Thornhill. (Y/n) was happy and a bit surprised when Cheryl invited him to her party, and dressed in his best button-down shirt (with the top two buttons undone) and a pair of jeans.

When (Y/n) stepped through the door, everyone was backed away from it and there was a clear tarp on the ground. Before he could utter a word, a large bucket of pigs blood was dumped on him, drenching his clothes, hair, and shoes. The dark red substance coated his skin and fused his clothes to his body, laughter ringing out throughout the estate.

Wiping the blood from his face, (Y/n) stared at the crowd of students in front of him, seeing his former bullies, Tina and Ginger, and Cheryl Blossom at the front of the party. (Y/n)’s eyes immediately went to Cheryl, then Tina and Ginger, then his bullies, and then back to Cheryl. Tears welled up in his eyes, and when the party’s horrified host took a step towards the blood-soaked boy, he ran out of the house, driving home to try and get the pig’s blood out of his clothes.

Thankfully, his mom was gone for the night, and (Y/n) was able to scrub all of the blood off of his body and most of the blood from his clothes, but there were still faint splotches of blood on the hem and the collar of the shirt, and on the pockets and legs of the jeans.

(Y/n) went to bed and thanked the stars that he had no more school until September. However, his thanks were quickly met with indifference when he woke up to his phone blowing up with notifications. Looking through his phone, his face paled and he became nauseous when he saw a video of him getting drenched in the pig’s blood being liked and reposted with the hashtag “Piggy’sBloodbath”.

Everyone was either making a joke out of him, or saying that he deserved it, and (Y/n) couldn’t take it.

Over the next week, Cheryl tried calling and visiting (Y/n) to see if he was okay and to apologize for what happened at the party, but the boy never answered. He was always either sleeping with his phone off or ignoring his mother when she tries to bring him out of his room for food or water.

The month of June flew by, and Cheryl visited (Y/n)’s home in a final attempt to apologize, but when she knocked on the door, she was met by (Y/n)’s mother, her face sullen. Cheryl immediately expressed her concern, to which (Y/n)’s mother invited Cheryl inside to talk. While she knew that it wasn’t right to speak about her child’s situation, (Y/n)’s mother could see that Cheryl was worried.

(Y/n)’s mother explained that (Y/n) wouldn’t be in school for his junior year because he was currently in a mental health facility, and was placed there after he attempted to commit suicide. Cheryl’s heart plummeted and her throat felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls.

The rising junior asked when the boy would be coming back to school but was disappointed when (Y/n)’s mother replied that she didn’t know. Cheryl thanked the older woman and left the house, hoping that the boy would return back to school soon.

[jaedore]

BINDING BONDS | 11

< prev 

parings: jung jaehyun x reader

genre: ceo!au, arranged marriage!au, angst, asshole Jaehyun, swearing

[ ☽ smut | ◇ angst (mental health, therapy) | ☼ fluff ]

note: BB deals with themes of mental and physical abuse, which can be upsetting for some readers. If you feel uncomfortable reading these types of plots, you are advised to not continue. MINORS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, but I advise you to skip the sexual parts.

[ 10.7 words ]

The brisk winter wind pierces your cheeks and flows past your hair as you look at the view in front of you, the door to your balcony slightly opened. The distant image of the Eiffel Tower illuminates the city below your feet bringing bittersweet memories from long ago. It’s been five years. Five years since you felt his touch, funny how you could still feel his fingertips between other men you decided to indulge yourself in. It made it hard to stay until the sun rose. You hated yourself for it, but how else were you supposed to forget about the man who didn’t want to marry you? His ghost never left you, though. It followed you wherever you went, making you go crazy. That’s why you left the town where the love bloomed and broke, settling down in the city of love, how ironic. Your actions were always contradicting and it still is to this day.

In those five years, you quickly took over the CEO position of Audace, giving your mother the gift of early retirement. Into your first couple of years, you were listed Top 20 in Forbes Magazine, immediately gaining attention for your designs. You always reminded yourself to be humble whenever someone praises you for your work, you weren’t the only one with the hands behind the designs, of course.

Everything was the way it was supposed to be, you felt like the timeline had finally restored itself like it was your job to do so. You haven’t heard much about Jaehyun, you tried to avoid all news outlets about him as much as you could. But it was hard when the image of him would be spread across magazines, you figured that he did dip into the field of modeling, he was bound to with that beautiful face of his. You were roaming the streets of Paris when your eyes brisked over the stand that sold magazines, his face immediately catching your attention. You were proud of him, he looked like he was doing well, better. As you said, you steered away from the topic of him, afraid that maybe you still weren’t over him even if it’s been a couple of years.

News also came out that Jaehyun’s father was finally kicked out of Jung Corporations for his conviction of abuse, no matter how long ago it was, Jaehyun finally grew the courage to stand up to his father. Of course, the stocks plummeted, but with Jaehyun’s quick words of persuasion and work ethic, they soared the next year, earning Jung Corporation a spot on the Forbes Top 20, also. You remember smiling when you saw his company’s name on the same list as you, he did it.

As for the contract of your marriage, it was currently on hold, creating dust in its existence. As time moves on, your mother hopes that you can reopen the contract, but she knows that it’s more than that now, so she leaves it to you, since you’re presently the CEO of Audace and made all the decisions. You’d think that you’d shred that contract by now, but you haven’t. What’s been stopping you?

Jaehyun has made sure to spread his face on every single cover on a magazine, hoping that you’d come across it and come home to him. Ever since you left, he’s gotten no trace of you. He’d call you, text you, but got nothing. He quit trying the third year, thinking that you had blocked him or got a new phone number because he never heard an answer back. Jaehyun even reached out to Haewon and Mark, but they never got the answer he wanted because you never told your closest friends. Were you selfish to do that to them? Too bad that Haewon knew you too well to find out where you were, but trustworthy enough to seal her lips.

It took Jaehyun a long time to accept that you were gone, the memory of you felt like a dream to him. Waking up alone every morning brought anguish to him, the sun telling him that you never came back and that you probably never will. Sometimes he thinks he’s going insane because his memories of you are so distant.

That’s why he traveled to every possible country he’d assumed you’d be in, New York, Los Angeles, Tokyo, Shanghai, London, and even Paris. So when you heard the word of the newest, hottest bachelor was coming to Paris, you knew you’d have to go into hiding because the newest, hottest bachelor was your ex. Being on the cover of dozens of magazines sure had its perks, but for Jaehyun, all he wanted to do was find you. That’s why he left Paris after three weeks, thinking that you had for sure resided there. Which you had, you just didn’t have the courage to come out and face him. You sure did a hell of a good job erasing your existence from his world. You were stubborn, he’s always known that he just didn't know he’d have to go to these lengths to come to that conclusion.

Life went on like that, you two lived your separate lives like there wasn’t a string attached to your fingers, you felt like you two were always meant to say goodbye. Jaehyun has never dared to touch another, for you, and only you solely have his heart. He’d give it to you over and over again if it means getting hurt again. Of course, he didn’t know about your short-lived rendezvous because while you found your lust in other men, begging yourself to be open and find someone, it was never them that refused your love, it was your own doing because you could never find yourself to stay the night. Goodness, you just wanted to feel again. You wanted to love, love like how the sun goes down for the moon every start of the night.

“You’re not staying the night?”

“Not tonight, Yuta.” you gave him a small smile as you picked up your discarded dress on the floor.

The Japanese model propped himself on his elbows, whistling at your figure as you slip your dress on. You narrowed your eyes at him until you realized a few buttons to your Versace Sweetheart Cady Single-Breasted Blazer was missing.

“Really?” you sighed, falling on your knees to search the floor for those stupid buttons.

“What are you looking for?” Yuta sat up, watching you crouch below the bed.

“You ripped this too hard that the buttons popped out, Yuta,” you snapped.

“It’s fine. Go, I’ll find it. It gives me another excuse to see you again,” he smirked at you.

“Yeah,” you sighed, glancing at him, “that’s very unlikely.”

“And why is that?”

Spotting the lost buttons under the bed, you snatched them in your hand and stood up, giving him a sly look, “Because I never give a man a second chance.” Grabbing your clutch, you smiled at him before shutting the door, seeing him chuckle to himself in denial as he fell back on the bed with his hands behind his head.

That was a lie, you do give men a second chance, but the only man you’d give it to is Jaehyun. No matter how long it’s been, how old you were, how forgotten your relationship was with him, you know that he will always have you, be a part of you.

Tomorrow you were leaving to go back home. It’s been a while since you’ve been back and your parents dearly missed you. It was the annual charity ball your family always attended and they wanted you to come to create social networks with others to build Audace. You were a little hesitant because you knew Jaehyun was going to be there, you just didn't know if you were ready to face him or even to just see him.  

You leave early in the morning so you could land back home by sunrise. And with your bags already packed, you wondered if tonight would finally give you the rest you needed. You spent countless nights unable to sleep, you think it’s insomnia, but your heart tells you differently. You’ve invested in useless doctors that only tell you to just take those ludicrous melatonin gummies. Of course, they never helped.

You throw your bag onto the chair next to your bed, everything was set for you to leave for tomorrow. Your passport, luggage, duffle bags were all in place at the door and for the slightest second, you felt excitement electrocute through your body.

Maybe it was just you, but the smell of home brought you wistfulness. Should I have stayed? Would everything have been better if I stayed? You had no idea where Jaehyun was or if you’d ever see him on your little trip back home. You wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t see you, you didn’t even bother coming out of your shell when he did.

“Y/n!!!” A familiar squeal was heard from the echoes of the airport.

You closed your eyes and let out a sigh with a smile on your lips. You turn around to see Haewon running to you with a lovely smile on her face, “Hey,” you embrace her in a tight hug, wafting the same perfume she wore when you two were younger.

“You haven’t changed one bit,” Haewon pulled you away by the shoulders, examining your face. You’d beg to differ, but she’d disagree, “I mean, you aged backward! Your skin is glowing and you look so beautiful and youthful. Paris must’ve done its justice on skincare!”

You laugh at her witty remarks, “No, no, no! If anything, you’ve changed! Look at you, you still look like how you did 5 years ago!

“Stop,” Haewon waves at you in disagreement, “come. Let’s get you home,” she grabs onto your arms and heads to the car as her assistants drag your things behind you two.

“So tell me all about Paris!” Haewon blinks at you with wide eyes, like a child excited to receive their favorite candy.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything! From fashion to food to the monuments. I want to know everything, y/n,” she begs.

You tell her everything. From the fashion shows that you were able to manage, to the sweet and savory meals, even to the fountains in Paris, you told her everything that your fingers brushed past. Haewon sat in envy, wishing that she visited you more often. There was a snip of a moment where regret weighed in your heart, maybe you should’ve called her to come. As you finished telling her about your adventures, you two sat in silence, the hum of the car filling the car. It’s been a while since you saw her and she looked so satisfied to finally have you home even if it was just for a few days.

“How’s Jaehyun?” Your voice barely meets a whisper that almost misses her ears.

Thinning her lips, Haewon looked at you with sincerity but with a little pity, “he’s okay, I think. With modeling and the company, he’s been busy so he hasn’t hung out with Mark a lot. Mark says that he’s doing a lot better, he’s been going out a lot the past couple of years, but he doesn’t talk to anyone or bring them home. We both think that it’s because he’s still not over you, he also still doesn’t talk to Chaeyoung anymore.”

You nod, you weren’t necessarily expecting anything, you just wanted to check up on him, but his name still makes you miss the happier times with him. You hold Haewon’s words like a string in front of you, I hope he is doing better.

The car rolls up to the familiar view of her apartment building, more trees were added around the rectangular architecture bringing out the bareness of it due to the cold weather. As your feet patted the snow, the way up to her apartment was almost unfamiliar. You always thought you’d know the steps to specific places with your eyes closed, but it raised a question to your mind. What if you forgot the most important things? What would you do then? Would they even be important if you had already forgotten them in the first place?

When Haewon opened the door to her apartment, everything about it had changed. The couch was on the opposite side of the room, the dining table that used to be horizontal was now vertical, giving it more space, and the color scheme that was once in hues of pink and greens was now white and browns.

“Wow,” your eyes widen, taking in all the changes, “love what you’ve done with the place.”

“Thank you,” Haewon smiled proudly, “the pink and greens were getting old. Plus, I feel like this is more mature for me.” her laugh rings in your ears as you scan her kitchen, she’s even got new dishes.

You smile back at your best friend, “It’s nice.”

You sit comfortably on her couch as she makes you some warm tea. Your eyes skim through her walls, pictures of you remained nailed to it but in different frames, she’s even added new ones from when she visited you in Paris.  Below them, there were green plants in grey vases, giving it the earthly vibe she always had in her.

“Here,” Haewon hands you your cup of tea as she sits beside you, “so you’re gonna stay with your parents?”

“Yeah, they miss me a lot and I miss them too, so it won’t hurt to stay.”

She pouts a little bit enough for you to notice her bottom lip jutting out, “Aw, that’s okay. Just promise that you’ll say goodbye to me before you leave. If you leave like last time, I’m gonna tell Jaehyun where you are,” Haewon threatens you.

“Hey!” your eyes enlarge in seriousness. You hope she doesn’t and you know she won’t but there’s a sliver of desire that you want her to.

“I’m just kidding, I won’t. I know you don’t want that,” she holds your hand after seeing how serious you were, “You and your little game of fate.” Haewon laughs as she strides to the kitchen to retrieve some snacks.

By the time you’ve binge-watched a series, finished a whole meal of Chinese takeout, you were drained and out of it. You know it’s getting late as the stars are the only source of light in the sky, other than the street lights.

“I should get going,” you grabbed your jacket that draped over the couch, but when you didn’t hear a peep from Haewon, you turned your head to see her asleep with her mouth opened to the ceiling. You chuckle at the amusing sight of your best friend knocked out with deranged hair and a little drool at the corner of her mouth. You turn off the tv and cover her with the cotton quilt before you kiss her forehead, “goodnight.”

As you quietly shut the door, you call for a cab knowing that you’re on the brink of almost being too late, but since no one’s out, by the time you reach the entrance, the driver is already there and waiting for you.

The night winter air hits your cheeks, turning it a crimson red along with the point of your nose. Home was always the coldest in the wintertime and hottest in the summer, there was no in-between. Puffs of grey smoke escape your mouth as you sit in the heated car, rubbing your hands together for more warmth. You tell the driver your address as you lean back in the seat, letting the drive paint your window with the outside scenery until you see the familiar sight of your home. When you do, you tip the driver with a heavier tip because it’s late at night before striding up to the front gates.

When you walk in the mansion, the lights are off darkness pooling into the large vacant home, echoing your heels. You’re quiet in your steps that lead to your room, afraid that you’d wake your parents up. The empty hallway that leads to your room is still filled with the same pictures, the smell coming from the same candles, the same flowers in the same vases, nothing has really changed around here. It’s as if you never really left, it makes your mind drift to your former shared apartment with Jaehyun. Has he changed anything since I’ve left? Is everything still the same? Does he still even live there? It’s a bittersweet memory, it really is, but you hope for the positive, your heart silently wishing things hadn't been the way it was. That you stayed that night in his arms, hearing his silent breathing as you comb your fingers through his soft, floppy hair. To have his head laying on your chest, hearing your heartbeat go at peace because he was in your arms. You got the good side of him.

You strip off your clothes, discarding them on the cream rug, and letting the warm water spill on your body. Life is a series of choices and if you are lucky enough, miracles. Your youthful mind would have disagreed and thought that you’d do things based on choices, but now, you’re convinced that if fate allows it, it shall be. Miracle or not, you will welcome it with open arms, you’ve grown accustomed to detachment and self-growth. Maybe you were saving yourself for Jaehyun because maybe you truly weren’t over him. Either way, you detach yourself from every man you’ve met because you had a sliver of hope that fate was going to lead him to you. But were you wasting your time in doing so? What if in the end, he wasn’t even yours? You dip your head, letting the water swim through your hair, giving it slight weight. I’m thinking too much. You rub your eyes, not knowing if the sting was from your developing tears or the water. Suddenly, you reach to turn off the water and give yourself a quick dry ahead of pulling your pajamas on.

And now you’re on your bed, your eyes still light as a feather. Your nights always consisted of this, unclosed eyes, frequent gazes at the ceiling or the window by your side, and sometimes tear-stained cheeks. The theory of possibly seeing Jaehyun crossed your mind the entire night, you know you were bound to see him soon so you needed to mentally prepare yourself for the moment. Thankfully for the long night Haewon provided for you, the thought of Jaehyun finally left his home in your mind and you found yourself slowly falling into slumber, anticipating another visit from him in your dreams.

“Honey, honey...honey,” Shaken awake by the sweet voice of your mother, you woke up to the image of her sitting on the edge of her bed. Just like the home, she looked like she didn’t age a day. She was as beautiful as you last remembered her.

“Morning, mother,” you yawn, stretching your limbs towards each side of the wall.

“More like afternoon,” she scoffed, pulling the sheets from you.

You instantly curl your body into a ball, cursing yourself for only wearing a long t-shirt and shorts. You peered at the clock by your bedside seeing 12:30 glancing right back at you. “Sorry, long day yesterday.”

“That’s okay. Get up now, get ready, go eat, and let’s go find a dress for you. The ball’s in a few days.”

Obeying your mother, with stiffness in your body, you were able to brush your teeth, comb your hair, and put on a presentable outfit. As you walk down the stairs to the dining room, you see your mother and father holding hands, laughing as they eat. You stopped in your tracks, standing still on the stairs as your hand gripped on the rail, watching them enjoy each other’s company. A little bit of your heart envied the sight in front of you, all you wanted was to love someone. To care for them, love them, and grow old. Most of all, you wanted to do all of those things with Jaehyun, but-

“You’re here! Come eat, we have to hit the stores before traffic gets heavy,” your mother waves you, immediately cutting you from your thoughts.

You greeted your parents as you sat down. Everything in front of you was luxurious, there were fancy sandwiches, bowls of freshly washed fruit, and cut out aged cheese, along with the bottles of wine scattered across the table. You didn’t even know where to begin, you missed everything from home, especially the food.

“Hurry, eat! I have a ton of places we have to check out,” your mother is persistent in finding you the most extravagant dress, a present for your return home for the couple of days you were here. It’s been 5 years since you’ve been back, of course, she wanted to go all out for her only daughter.

“Okay this,” your mother points at the lake green colored dress that hugs your body, the silken fabric falling at your feet, “is the one,” with wide eyes she slowly stands up and walks to you with arms open.

“Really?” you tilt your head to the side, observing your reflection.

“Pair it with some clear heels, signature earrings to elongate your neck, leaving the chest open, and voila, the perfect outfit.” the employee persuades you, as they should because that’s what you ended up purchasing.

“Oh no,” the employee waves his hand at you, dismissing your mother’s card, “that gentleman already paid for your entire attire,” he points behind you and you snap your head in his direction.

Like the time had slowed down, the most handsome man that has ever come into your life, stood across the store from you. His gentle gaze sits on your shoulders, but it embraces you instead of piercing through you. His tall physique has become lean, more muscular yet toned. His signature dark hair was styled like the last time you saw it, it was always your favorite.

“Jaehyun,” your whispered tone comes out as a gasp at the man who stood several feet from you.

A friendly smile sits on his face as the air returns to your lungs and as your brain begins to function again. What a sight you desperately missed. You longed to run to his arms and to hug him, kiss him, love him like the old times, but your feet remind you to stop as soon as you see a pair of arms slither his arm. A woman, just around your age interlocks her hand with his and smiles brightly at him. She’s as gorgeous as you can imagine, probably a model, for her body and frame compliments his.

You clear your throat, regaining poise, and give him a slight nod, careful to not look at him again as you turn yourself around to thank the cashier and scurry out of the store.

“That was Jaehyun, wasn’t it?” Your mother cautiously asks, quickly catching up to you.

“L-let's just goes mother, p-please,” you stutter as you reach the car and attempt to open the door, begging her to unlock it.

Cranking up the air conditioner, you rest your head between your hands as they rub your temples. You ask yourself again and again what just happened and if you actually saw him, but your brain knew better than your heart, you did in fact see Jung Jaehyun standing just a few feet from you.

“Are you okay?” she rubs your back as you try to steady your breathing.

“I’m fine, can we just please go home now? We have my dress,” you beg.

Your mother starts the car right away, aware of your little episode. You think that maybe you’re overreacting a little bit, but this was all physical. If you could control it, you would and you wouldn’t be in such a crouched position feeling this way.

When you finally feel your heartbeat becoming steady again, you sit up and lean back into the seat, you stare out the window, completely dazed. You feel like you didn’t even experience seeing Jaehyun. For the first time in five years, he still tugs your heart and how stupid you feel for thinking that there could be the smallest room for you in his heart when you were the one who left him, ignored him, written yourself off from his story. Of course, he already had somebody, somebody that loves him, cares for him, far better off than what you could’ve done. You were the one that left, what were you truly expecting at this point?

As the car drives up to your home, you’re quick to strip yourself and bury under the covers. The room is dark and silent, the most dangerous time for your mind to wander. Fear settles under your skin when the thought of ending up alone crosses your mind. You’ve been alone all of your life before Jaehyun even showed up, who knew how hard it’d be to go back to the forgotten feeling of being alone.

You hadn’t noticed that you’ve knocked out when a faint knock sounds from your door. Your eyes slowly open, but along with your head, it’s too heavy from your thoughts to lift itself. Slowly as the door opens, Haewon peeks her head through and suspects that you’re still asleep when she sees your body calmly fall and rise. Haewon tip-toes to your bed, lifting her heel, afraid that the clanking noise would startle you awake. Without a word, she sits on the edge of your bed and combs her fingers through your hair, removing the loose strands from your face. She hates seeing you like this, so broken. You’ve worked yourself until you were unable to stand, you’ve dismissed all opportunities to feel something from any man and anyone, most of all, you’ve denied your existing love for Jaehyun. But she knows that you know all of that, you just choose to brush it off your shoulder because that’s what you always did. You’d dust things off and shove them down until you’d combust. Five years of shoving things down have resulted in this.

You stayed that for the next few days, curled up in a ball under the mountain of blankets. You despised yourself for not spending time with your parents with the few days you had, but you could barely get up, you didn’t have the energy to even sit. Your mother brought you soup occasionally and stayed there, making sure you finished it to the last drop. She reassured you that it’s okay, to stay in bed and take your time to heal. She also told you to make time to walk around, talk to the workers in the house, or take a walk in the greenhouse, which you did when you could. Heartbreaks were never easy for you anyway.

Before you knew it, tonight was the night for the Annual Charity Ball. There you stood in front of the mirror in the Marchesa Crystal-Embellished Velvet Gown observing how the dress nestled against your body. You always wore expensive gowns like this, but you felt rather insecure for the first time in a while, maybe the reason was that you were finally home after years of never showing up and felt like you had to prove yourself.

Everyone was gathered in the dimly lit room, waves of laughter, and the clinking of champagne glasses filled the massive ballroom. One of the biggest events for the biggest international companies and here you were, not even reaching ten years of CEO experience and now forced to network with those that have been.

“You’re going to do fine,” Haewon rubs your back, “just don’t look intimidating and you’ll be fine,” she winks at you, but you playfully roll your eyes and push her towards the bar where she was already making her way.

A low voice clears behind you, “Ahem-”

You turn around to reveal an old friend, “Mark!” you jump into his arms, missing the embrace from him.

He pulls away from you with a bright smile shining on his face and carefully eyes you, “You look stunning tonight.”

“Wow,” you smiled, “you clean up very well, I must say Mr. Lee.” you gently punch his arm.

Mark playfully winces, but offers you his arm, “Come on, let me get you something to drink.” you happily take a hold of his arm as he leads you to the bar that was elegantly built, chandeliers decorating the area with white marble counters in addition to the handsome bartenders mixing the most luscious refreshments.

“I’ll have an Old Cuban please, and-” Mark glances at you, waiting for your answer.

“And I’ll have a Gin and Tonic, please.”

“Classy,” Mark cocks an eyebrow at you.

“Always have been.”

As you wait for your drinks, Mark and you take your time to catch up. The need to network and talk to others completely dissolves as you two catch up five years of each other’s lives. You avoid the opportunity to take another drink as Mark orders his second one, but time is lost when you two are immersed in each other’s stories. It makes you realize how much you’ve missed him and how much you missed everyone’s life when you left.

“So where have you been?” The burning question leaves his mouth and you hope that he’s too tipsy to even hear or wait for your answer.

“Just-” you hesitate, seeing his state of giggles and blushed cheeks, “around the globe, traveling here and there.”

Mark laughs and shakes his head, “No, but like, where have you been? You left without saying goodbye and you were gone for five years, y/n.” even though it held humor, you knew Mark enough to know he was being serious.

“I was...I was in-”

“Come on, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? I thought we were friends.”

“We are Mark, we are!” you repeat to the male, “but I just needed to get away from all of this, I needed to leave.”

“Leave because of what? Because of Jaehyun?”

And like a fever dream, your eyes meet with the owner of the name. He’s across the ballroom, this time his gaze piercing through your chest. It’s intense and possessive, yet also holds a longing for you. A whispered gasp rolls from your throat and your eyes scatter anywhere on your lap, avoiding to look up.

“Y-yeah,” you stutter, “I have to go to the bathroom,” you leave a tipsy Mark behind as you race for the bathroom.

Dashing to the nearest bathroom, there’s a ring in your ear against the thumping in your heart, and it’s the only thing you can hear because it’s so loud. You push open the door and slam the stall door shut as you lean against the stone stall. You clutch your chest and play with your collar as you catch your breath, a gust of heat coating your body.

“Y/n?” It’s Haewon.

“Y-yeah?” your voice breaks.

“I saw you run in here, you okay, baby?” you can hear her voice becoming louder as the ring in your ears tunes out.

“I’m fine,” you slowly open the stall to see Haewon standing in front of you with a worried expression.

She gives you an absurd look, fully knowing that you are clearly not okay and she brings you into a hug. “Everything’s going to be okay. Do you want to leave? We can go back to your place and just hang out.”

Haewon’s offer sounds tempting, but you had to remind yourself you were here for a reason. You were here to talk and network, yet you let your emotions take over you. Once again. You give her a compassionate look, a small smile stretching your lips, “No, I’m okay now. Thank you for checking up on me, though. Let’s go,” you rub your forehead as she holds onto your hand, leading you back out to where everyone is.

Your eyes scan everyone in the room, seeing who’s here and who’s who, but they scan over certain someone. Someone who chased you away. Jung Jaehyun stood just a mere few feet away from you. His tall, lean physique would still tower over you if he came closer, his eyes still gleamed against the chandeliers, and he still looked handsome as ever. As soon as you see the familiar arms that belonged to the woman you saw at the store a couple days ago, wrap around his, you’re convinced that you’re just a distant memory for him now. You quickly turn your head, making sure to keep your chin lifted as you follow Haewon, who’s already talking to a bunch of businessmen. You step until you're beside her and join the conversation. Several of them were handsome, bachelors, some your age, a little older, and some a little younger.

They were all polite enough for you to jump in, they included you in their jokes, making you clutch your stomach in laughter. They were good at keeping your mind away from straying.

“So, Y/n,” Johnny Seo, a corporate bank owner speaks up, “how’s the CEO position of Audace treating you?”

“It’s great. You know life is kinda fun when you love what you do,” you reply, earning groans from a bunch of them.

“You’re lucky you were born into such a life like that,” a car enterprise CEO named Ten, speaks up.

You quickly laugh before the conversation turns into a serious one, “you’re always welcome to dream a life that you want if you have the drive for it.” You smile at him before turning your back and heading out to get air.

Outside the ballroom leads to a greenhouse, the lush trees and vibrant-hued flowers compliment the sunset that sits on the horizon outside of the warm, glass structure. Making your way on the stone steps that lead to the edge of the greenhouse that overlooks the city below you, you inhale a deep breath and slowly let it out as you gaze at the orange and pink sky.

“Stunning, isn’t it?” A voice expresses behind you.

“Yeah,” you simply reply before your eyes widen. You knew that voice, you could pick it up from anywhere at any time because it always brought you peace of mind.

The owner of the voice walks until he’s beside you, his body coming in your peripheral vision. At that moment, the familiar smell travels to your nostrils, the warmth from his body embraces your cold one, and that’s when you knew you had nowhere else to go.

“I was talking about you,” Jaehyun replied, his eyes glued to the view in front of him.

You slightly drop your head to the ground, staring at your shoes. There’s a dreading feeling that sits in your bones, anxious if he was going to ask you a series of questions of where you were or why you were gone for such a long time. You weren’t expecting him to approach you but little did you know, he’s been waiting all night to.

“Thank you,” you whisper, keeping your gaze stuck on your shoes. In the corner of your eye, you can see him shifting until he’s fully facing you, but you’re good at doing what you’ve been doing.

“Y/n, where have you been?” Jaehyun asks, his voice is tainted with sadness, yet tinted with a little bit of frustration. “You’ve been gone for five years and I haven’t seen you, talked to you ever since you left. You haven’t picked up any of my calls, you haven’t answered any of my texts. I know I blew up on you and we broke things off, but I-” he slightly pauses to calm himself down. You’re next to him, eyes on your expensive shoes and you look absolutely breathtaking to him. You haven’t aged one bit, you still look like your younger self when he met you, still youthful and beautiful. Like always, you were a literal angel. Instead of continuing to speak, Jaehyun clutched your shoulders and pulled you in his chest, tightly wrapping his arms around your frame.

You let out a surprised gasp when your body collided with Jaehyun’s. The tightness of his arms constricted you like he was trying to tell you to stay. He holds you in that moment, afraid to let you go, knowing that you weren’t going to come back for the next couple of years. Tears begin to grow in his eyes as he feels your arms wrap around his body, your gentle touch brings him to his knees, brings him to tears.

“Jaehyun, please,” you bleed, your voice broken.

He instantly pulls away to see you crying and brings his palms to your cheeks, “Please don’t cry.” he begs you because he knows that if he continues to watch you cry, he would also cry. “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean a word back then. I wanted to marry you, I still do. I just said those words out of anger and I know I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry. Please, y/n, will you ever forgive me?”

“I’m sorry,” you cry out, closing your eyes, letting the tears stream down your face.

“Don’t,” he shakes his head, “I am. I am sorry,” a tear leaves the corner of his eye and he rests his forehead against yours, letting his emotions take over him.

You two stay like that for a bit, holding onto each other, basking in each other’s presence with the sun setting behind you. You gently pull away, holding onto his hands, the ones that became stronger over the past few years, the ones that always set your skin to flames.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat, looking at him with bloodshot eyes. Jaehyun gives you a questioning look, “but I have to go.” you bring his hands together, pressing them against your lips before you set them beside his side.

“Please don’t leave me again.” his voice cracks, his heart is unable to bare life without you again.

Your innocent eyes catch him and before you know it, Jaehyun’s proximity is so close you can feel his breath float on your lips. Functioning on your emotions, you close the distance, gently pressing your lips on his. And it’s like you haven’t forgotten the feeling of his lips, you’d never forget it whenever you kissed, it’s like water after a marathon. It’s like sleep after a hard day, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. But you could no longer have this kind of luxury.

You cup his face, pulling yourself from his lips, “I’m sorry Jaehyun,” you give him a sad smile before backing away, leaving him once again, alone.

As Jaehyun watches you leave, he doesn’t chase after you. He knows you still love him and he still loves you, if fate allows it, you’ll come back. You always do.

Saying goodbye was harder than you thought, but it was the hardest with Jaehyun. You never said goodbye to him, you just left him there as you did before. You were always leaving, always shoving your emotions down, never facing them head-on.

Life wasn’t always easy, but you tried to make the most of it. You missed Jaehyun dearly, although there was a big part of your heart that longed for him and wanted to go back home to him, a larger part of yourself knew that your clocks were no longer in sync. You both have given each other love and growth and taught each other how to forgive, whether it was silent forgiveness or verbal. Every day you hope that you’d have the courage in yourself to let him back in your life, you know it’s there and you’re ready, you just needed the extra push.  

It’s been months since you returned home. The brisk, winter wind finally cooled you down whenever you opened your windows. The trees were a lush green, blooming with yellow flowers on the tips, and there were chatters from below your window. The people of Paris always loved coming out in the summer to attend the town marketplace, picking fresh produce and bundles of colorful bouquets to bring to their loved ones. Every Saturday you made sure to also go, it was a good way to make friends and grocery shop.

In your stay in Paris, you made a small group of friends. The five of them were always good at bringing you to tears with their jokes and spontaneous stories, it was like being a careless teenager again. Since everyone was always busy with their own lives, you guys made sure to schedule a time of the month to get dinner and catch up. Tonight was one of those nights. Since they’re more on the extemporaneous side, the reservations were always bounced around within the city, giving you the gift of tasting every fine cuisine. Tonight’s reservation was at the Le Jules Verne, the second floor of the Eiffel Tower. That place holds a special place in your heart, heck, this entire city did. You would be lying if you didn't miss Jaehyun every time you’d pass a place you passed long ago on your visit here with him.

“Hey! Y/n, you’re here!” Julian greets you from the table.

“Hi,” you hug her before sitting in your seat, “Adalene isn’t here yet?” you scan the seats as one sits vacant.

“No, you know how she is,” Estelle rolls her eyes from across the round table, “always late.”

“It’s okay, we’ll order wine first,” Diane chirps, raising her hand to the waiter.

You sit yourself down, shifting in your seat to make yourself comfortable. Conversations and giggles are exchanged from across the table, from the hottest gossip to old stories, everything was always such a good memory with these ladies. The food that was brought was slowly chomped down throughout the night, making the night go by a little faster than usual, but you weren’t complaining, you always had a good time with your friends, but something about this place just brought you nostalgia and slowed time down. After a while, the wine bottle was sipped and emptied, while blinded smiles were painted across everyone’s faces with a slight blush.

“Ma’am,” your waiter came to your side of the table.

“Yes?” You glance at him, with a questioning look, your eyes curiously staring at the beverage in his hand.

“The man from the bar brought your drink,” he nodded at the bar, but you were too busy already reaching for it and sipping it.

The glass of red wine looked all too familiar, you knew the texture of it, the smell, and the taste. You memorized on melancholy nights where you locked yourself in your apartment and looked at pictures of Jaehyun or read articles of him. It was the wine that you two had the first time you two came to Paris. It was always hard to forget several little puzzle pieces of him.

As your friends ogled at your bizarre behavior of quickly downing the drink, you finished it in a couple of gulps and set the glass down. Your eyes skimmed the bar, but no sight of Jaehyun was there. You sighed and excused yourself from the table, you were completely losing it that you needed to get fresh air. But as soon as you opened the doors to the balcony of the Eiffel Tower, there he was. His eye-catching self leaning over with his hands clasped before him.

Your forehead creased, “Jaehyun.”

He turned to you, and boy, was this man very dapper in his dark suit with his hair gelled back. You always loved that look on him and now that he’s illuminated in the moonlight, it was a sight you never thought you’d be able to see.  

“Love,” his nickname makes your heart skip a beat, “you got my drink?”

You nodded, slowly making your way to him, “what are you doing here in Paris?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” he mumbles under his breath, head falling forward following with a little chuckle, “but I think I know the answer.”

You stay silent beside him, looking at the dark sky that’s littered with stars. With Jaehyun by your side in Paris, it feels as if he’s always been here. It feels like your first time here with him again.

“Congratulations on your successes by the way,” he says, a sincere smile across his lips.

“Thank you, you too.” you return, “Being on Forbes list, especially. That’s a big achievement.”

“Thanks, it was hard after- all of that,” he implies to the incident of his father and how everything went crashing down after that.

“But hey-” you turn to him as he does the same to you, “-you did it. I always knew you could.”

Jaehyun smiles at you, “I got help too,” he whispers, fumbling with his fingers. He lets out a quiet chuckle, “I still am.”

“That’s good, I’m proud of you. I understand how helpful that can be, let me know if you need anything.” you silently say the last part, quietly shunning yourself because you haven’t been present in his life.

Jaehyun thanks you, but looks at you, his gaze peering at your face. Oh how much he’s missed seeing you, having you this close to him. “I’m still in love with you,” he blurts out. Your breath pauses as you turn his way. Your eyes scan his face and it tells you that he genuinely means it.  “And I mean it. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t miss you, where I love you less. Hell, having you not by my side makes me love you even more. It makes me crazy.” He confesses.

You’re dead frozen in your stance, the wind gushes through both of your hair, messing yours up more. Maybe this was a sign, a sign that the world is telling you that the time is now because a large part of yourself knows that if it’s not now, it’s never. The look on his face tells you how much love the man in front of you holds for you and you know that it’ll be there forever. There’s not a question of doubt that crosses his face and nothing will stop him from leaving because he knows you feel the same way. He almost knows you more than you.

“I love you, Jaehyun. I never stopped,” you reveal, your voice slightly breaking from the river of tears you were now producing.

Jaehyun brings you into a hug, his arms find his place around your body and it feels like the last puzzle piece has been placed. He sniffles with you in his arm, he’s dreamt of this moment every night. That you’d be back in his arms and that your love is still there for him. Feeling like this is almost too good to be true, Jaehyun pulls back to see you. Your makeup is almost smeared, but your eyes are delicate as he gazes into them.

Just as you felt the wind dance through your hair once again, Jaehyun pulls you to him, his lips settling on yours, letting the familiar feeling of comfort take over him.

(a/n: lol listen to kendrick lamar’s love [slow + reverbed] it’ll set the mood hehe)

You struggle to lock your apartment door as you both enter with fumbling feet, tangling your shoes with your fingers as it pleads to be taken off. Once the last shoe hits the ground, Jaehyun pushes you against the wall, fumbling with the buttons of your blouse as he sucks onto your bottom lip. You envelop your hands over his and put it on his chest to let him take his clothes off so you can take off yours smoothly. You can feel a small smile growing on his lips and you pull slightly back.

“I just can’t believe that you’re here with me right now,” he whispers against your lips.

“And I’m here forever,” you coo, reaching for his hand. You lead him to your bedroom, occasionally looking back at him to give him a sly smile. As soon as you’re about to turn the lights on, Jaehyun stops you.

“Leave them off, I love looking at you when the moonlight is shining on your glistening skin,” his voice lowers and it makes your legs go weak.

And just like that, clothes were shed like a second skin and now Jaehyun towered above you. What a wonderful sight to see after a few years. Your fingers trailed from his chest, down to his abdominals, feeling each straining muscle against your fingertips, until it was met with his manhood. Your eyes innocently glanced up at him when you gently grabbed his cock, pressuring the tip just a bit before bringing your hand to it, rubbing it in your palm.

“Oh, baby, you always know how to make me feel good,” Jaehyun lowers himself until he’s groaning in your ear.

You know you’re doing a pleasing job when you feel the tough grip on your hips and when the other hand comes to your core. Jaehyun lets out a little scoff when he realizes how wet you already were.

“You’re so wet,” he whispers in your ear.

“Only for y-you,” you stutter, “oh shit,” your back arches when Jaehyun plunges two fingers in without any warning. Both of your hands shoot up to hold onto his arms as he finds a quick pace for his fingers, occasionally circling his thumb on your clit.

“Baby, baby,” Jaehyun hums as he lowers himself onto his free elbow to litter you with hickies across your neck, later leading to your chest.

Everything is blurred and everything is going so fast, you’re almost convinced that this isn’t even happening, that this is just another dream of yours. You struggle to relax as Jaehyun stops in his tracks, which results in you shooting up to prop yourself on your elbows to only see Jaehyun lowering himself down to your dripping, wet core.

This is definitely not a dream. You let out a loud moan when Jaehyun presses his hot tongue against your core, letting his teeth gently nip at the lips of your pussy.

“Tell me, angel,” the vibrations of his voice shoots pleasure through your spine, “did you fuck anyone while you were here?” You wince when he doesn’t hear an answer from you and harshly pats your pussy. “I don’t like being ignored, you know that, don’t you?” a smirk stretches across his face seeing you sexually frustrated, but you persistently nod.

“I-I did,” you let out another wince when he carefully slaps it again. Jaehyun shakes his head, almost in disappointment, but you pay no attention to it because you’re so aroused at this point that you just need to feel him in you.

“Bad girl,” he shakes his head as he lowers himself back down. His hot breath fans across your clit, making you involuntarily clench around nothing, and Jaehyun notices it but shakes his head.

“Please,” you groan, your fingers tangling in his hair.

“So you’ve been a busy girl, huh?” He mumbles against your pussy.

“Yes, yes, I have been. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you’re in a frenzy. Five years and you haven’t felt his touch, at this point, you feel like he’s just mocking you at this point, “please let me feel you.”

The ability of his tongue is superior to every man you’ve decided to entangle yourself with, no one could match how well Jaehyun could make you feel. And tonight, you were ready to give all of you to him.

“J-Jaehyun,” you drag out, “I’m-”

“What do you want, baby?” Jaehyun asks, looking at you from below.

“E-eat me out.”

Jaehyun lifts himself until he’s hovering over you, there’s darkness in his eyes, foreshadowing that he won’t be gentle. “You have to ask nicely.” he snickers, bringing a hand down to rub your clit, fast.

Your eyes widen from the surprise feeling, a gasp comes out of your mouth and your back arches, your perking nipples touching his chest. Jaehyun seems to notice because he brings his other free hand and pinches it, rolling it between his fingers. You close your eyes, blinded by the feeling and the power he has over you. You’d let him ruin you any way he wants.

“Want...you to...eat. Me. Out, please, please, please,” you’re impatient as you finish your command, sounding snappy, but Jaehyun gives in because he enjoys how needy you sound.

He lowers himself until he’s face to face with your sex again, the wetness and clenching of it arouse him and he doesn’t hesitate to bring his mouth to it, instantly sucking your pussy. You release a loud whine, your hands shooting to his hair. You didn’t expect him to be so rough on you so soon. But he is and as he licks the wetness, drawing circles on your clit simultaneously.

“You taste so good, angel,” he coos, pulling away for a split second before lapping onto your sex again, this time thrusting his tongue in you. The feeling of his tongue fucking you has your stomach tightening, so close to snapping. He lets his tongue explore your walls as he pinches your nipples, forcing them to perk up more than they could.

Jaehyun knows you’re about to climax when your hips begin to rise and your legs start to close in beside his head, but knowing how sensitive you are, Jaehyun gently presses your hips down and pries your legs until they’re as far as your flexibility allows it to go before returning to his deed.

“Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,” you curse, sweat beading down your temple. Soon, your coil snaps and you’re shaking in Jaehyun’s grasps, but he gives you no time to come down from your high as he instantly thrusts his cock into you. You gasp, eyes widening as you hold onto him, your hands searching for any kind of leverage on him.

Jaehyun lowers his head into the crook of your neck, kissing it as he thrusts harshly against you. He hears your loud winces above him and he supports himself on his elbows, seeing tears on both sides of your face. “I can stop,” he whispers, afraid that he might’ve been overstimulating you too much.

You persistently shake your head, the pain is a bit overwhelming but the pleasure is worth it. “Please don’t,” you croak, bringing Jaehyun back down to you.

He fucks you like the angel you are, praises fumbling from his lips, “you’re so good, baby. You feel so fucking good.”; “No one feels good as much as you do.”; “God I fucking love you and your tight pussy.” praise after praise has you in a trance as he fucks you dumb.

Jaehyun pulls out and you whine from the empty feeling, cold air reaching your sensitive sex. But he lifts you by the hips, his grasp tight on you as he turns you over, lifting you until you’re on all fours. Jaehyun brings his hand hard on your ass, “promise me you won’t fuck anyone anymore unless he’s me,” he commands with a growl in his voice.

“I promise,” you whine, voice desert dry.

Content in your words, Jaehyun thrusts into you from behind. You let out an elongated cry, his tip reaching farther into you, hitting that sweet, sweet spot repeatedly. His grip on your hips tightens as you look forward to the bruises in your hips the next day.

“Oh baby, you feel so good,” Jaehyun hums, “still tight for me after all these years.”

You moan when he reaches for your breast, kissing your back in doing so. A moan escapes your throat, “only for you. Only for you,” you repeat, closing your eyes.

Jaehyun knows you’re dazed, your words are barely coherent, your pants are almost louder than your moans, and he knows you can barely hold yourself up, noticing at your shaking limbs. So, he wraps his arms around your hot, sweaty body and brings you up until your back is pressed against his chest. You groan from the new position that he puts you in, almost as satisfying as the previous one. Jaehyun gently kisses your shoulder and the place where it meets your neck while he rams into you, his actions contradicting. Nonetheless, it holds so much love. Vulnerable, naked bodies pressed together in the moonlight from Paris that illuminates your bedroom. You’re making love with the love of your life and how much of a roller coaster it took to finally get to this point.

“I love you,” you bring your hands around to his hair, combing your fingers through it, earning a groan from your tugging, “I love you so, so much. I love you and only you” you don’t know if your cry comes from the overwhelming feeling of your emotions or the fact that he’s vigorously ramming into you, reaching so far into you, making you feel like you could crumble in that instant.

“I’m close angel,” he moans in your ear.

“In me, come in me,” you beg, squeezing your eyes closed because you know you’re almost there too.

Jaehyun reaches down to your abused sex and draws circles around your sensitive bud, making you arch away from him, but he’s close to bringing you back to his sweating body. Soon you can feel that coil in your stomach snaps. Both of you let out a series of moans and curses and after staying like that for a bit, Jaehyun brings you down on the bed. He lays next to you catching his breath while holding you as you gasp for more, your body twitching from time to time as it calms down.

“You did well, my love,” he kisses your forehead, staying there for a few seconds, “and I love you too.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know whether or not you finally fell asleep, but he slowly pulls back to get a glance at you. In such a time like this, he thinks you’re absolutely beautiful, hair sticking out in various directions as some stuck to your forehead, your swollen lips that sit plumply on your face, the rare beads of sweat that sat on your temples, and the red flush that blushes your face. Everything about this, about you, is perfect for him. It’s a familiar feeling for him when he holds you, kisses you, makes love to you and it takes him a while until he finally realizes that you are his home.

You’re not sure what time it is when you wake up, but you know it must be around the early afternoon from the fresh sunlight that sneaks through your curtains. You remember the events from yesterday, going out to dinner with your friends, seeing Jaehyun, making love with Jaehyun and that’s when you feel the pair of arms around your waist move just a bit, which confirms that yesterday really wasn’t just another fever dream. With a smile on your face, you turn yourself until you’re facing him. What a beautiful man you managed to get involved with, again. You giggle a little bit when he stirs in his sleep, slightly pouting and you can’t help yourself but peck his lips a couple of times to wake him up.

Your fingers comb through his hair as he struggles to open his eyes, “Hey, sleepyhead,” you laugh.

“Good morning, my love,” whenever Jaehyun calls you that, it makes your heart flip. You felt ridiculous that such a word can make you feel like you're back in high school, experiencing your first, real crush.

“It’s the afternoon,” you mumble, reaching for your phone but he’s quick to wrap his strong arms around your body to keep you close to him.

It’s just like you never left like there wasn’t a whopping five years of nights where you missed being held by him. For you, everything fell back in place. For you, it felt like you were finally back home.

“Hey,” Jaehyun clears his throat and you back away because for a split second you could hear the hesitation in his voice.

“Yeah?”

With those dark chocolate orbs of his, Jaehyun looks down at you and you’ve never felt more alive in your years of living. He was only two years older than you, and you’re both still considered young, but he’s convinced that you’re the love of his life. You hope that what he says is something good, because after all of this, what would be the point?

“Will you marry me?”

You shot back, completely shocked with your mouth opened and your eyes wide. You really weren’t expecting such a proposal so soon, especially after seeing him for the first/second time in five years. You’re taken aback and completely speechless, you’re stunned and you think you’re losing it until Jaehyun calls out your name.

“Yes,” you reply, “yes, yes, yes!!! Let's get married!” You gleam, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him in for a tight embrace.

Jaehyun pulls away from your waist and gives you a sincere look, “I know it’s not the ideal proposal, but I promise when we get back home, I’ll do it right. I’ll do everything right this time,” he declares.

“Oh honey,” you cup his cheek, “there’s nothing you did wrong, we all make mistakes and go through hard times. I’m just glad it all led me back to you.” you lean forward to kiss his forehead as he embraces you again.

It’s time, you were finally getting married to Jaehyun. And for real this time, no contract, no business, just love.

“By the power given to me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss each other. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Jung!”

Cheers throughout the venue fades as Jaehyun leans into your lips, a smile adorning his face as he places a gentle kiss on your lips. Flower petals are thrown in the air and smiles are exchanged between each side of the family.

And after the reception, dinner, first dance, cutting of the cake, bouquet tossing, and after everything fate has put you through, everyone bids you goodbye as you and Jaehyun run out of the reception hall. With the sparklers in their hands, complimenting the sunset in front of you, the cheers of encouragement sing through your ears as Jaehyun opens the car door for you. As he gets in, he gives you a teasing chaste kiss, before waving off to everyone and riding into the sunset.

You always had faith in fate, each decision has its own consequences and leads you on different paths. You often think to yourself if you had chosen a different path, where would it lead you? Would it lead you to the same ending? Or would you end up in a different place? And would the person you love the most be there? Yes. The answer is yes, wherever you go, you’re convinced Jaehyun will always be there. He will follow you like the sun and the moon, he will love you like how the moon leaves to let the sun breathe. Jaehyun will love you to the best of his abilities because you taught him to love himself. He’s almost convinced that you saved his life and he couldn’t be more grateful to have someone like you by his side.

Life was always good at never going the way you wanted it to. Like your mother said, “life isn’t fair,” yet at the time she said it, you were too young and only took it as a grain of salt. Little did you know, the world will throw you in several different directions, the world will bash you, judge you, and sometimes make you feel like it hates you. But when you find love, kindness, and forgiveness within yourself and others, everything that brought darkness will complement the light, showing how sometimes bad things happen so you can grow. Life is hard and no one said it was going to be easy, but right now, life is good. Life is great when you’re with Jung Jaehyun.

Fin.

[comfortwriting]

When You’re Gone - F.W

Fred Weasley (and George) x fem reader, inspired by the song ‘When You’re Gone’ by Avril Lavigne.

A/N: If any of you are struggling with loss, grief or need someone to talk to, my inbox is open and I’ve re-blogged support hotline numbers.

About: The reader is mourning the death of her boyfriend, Fred Weasley. She’s struggling to move on, finding herself lost in both the past and present. Unfortunately, she loses her grips on reality and George has to put on the mask and pretend to be Fred.

Warnings: Grief, sadness, death, depression, flashbacks, some fluff here and there, deterioration of mental and physical health, mention of hospice care towards the end.

Three months ago your long term boyfriend, the man you planned to marry, was killed in an explosion during the battle of Hogwarts. His death changed your life forever.

You found it hard leaving the bed, eating and showering. At first you tried to accept that he was gone but no matter what it got harder to do so, you just wanted to hide away, fall asleep forever to wake up again one day with him next to you.

I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd Need you there when I cry And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie Is made up on your side

“Come on Y/N, you should write back to them, they want to know how you are.” Your mother said softly, trying to encourage you.

Ever since Fred’s death, the Weasley's wrote to you every week when they had time, you couldn’t bring yourself to reading whatever they wrote, let alone reply. You didn’t want to hear from them or see them, the guilt you felt for their sons death was eating you up inside - you didn’t want to lie to them about your state either. 

“Maybe another time mum” you replied, staring at Fred’s side of the bed. 

Your mother sat next to you and placed a hand against your tear stained cheek “He isn’t coming back, you can’t just leave everything how it is.”

You sighed and stood up walking over to the window “I’ll send them a Christmas card and apologise for not being able to protect their son.”

“It’s August, Y/N”

“Right.”

“And it wasn’t your fault!” Your mother cried.

Slowly but surely, you were losing track of time, of what was and wasn’t real, you found yourself over the next year getting more confused and plummeting even more into denial - your parents believed you didn’t want to move on - but you couldn’t to no fault of your own, you didn’t have a choice.

Your stress and grief shaped your brain and changed it, changing your reality and everything around you to create a world in which Fred would be coming home.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now?

“Fred you can’t be serious” You sighed, rubbing your temple.

“Harry is like family to me, to us. He needs me there and I’m not going to allow.. WE need him gone to be able to have the life we want together, Y/N.” Fred argued back, pacing around the much brighter and cleaner bedroom.

“How am I going to protect you? I am in no state to be entering a war when I’m already so badly injured. If something goes wrong out there when I’m not with you...”

Fred walked over to you and placed a finger on your lips, shushing you. “Nothing is going to happen to me, my love.” he reassured you.

You shook your head “We don’t know that, please Fred, stay.”

Fred frowned and walked away from you “you know I can’t.”

When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear To always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you

“Fred” you whispered, sitting in the shower, the water storming down upon you. “Please come back soon, I know you can and I hope you will.”

Your mother rubbed the bar of soap on your back before rinsing it with the water “I know we argued last night but I trust you, I know you’ll make it out alive.” you whispered again.

Your mother stopped washing you for a moment, taking in everything you had been saying, finally understand that something had gone wrong and your frame of mind wasn’t the same as it used to be. She knew deep in her heart you weren’t calling out for his spirit, she knew that you truly believed that he had just gone to Hogwarts - you were reliving the same period of time over and over, from the moment Fred left up until you would panic, running to the windows and asking members of the public if they had seen him.

Fifteen months on you were sitting at the table in the kitchen with your parents, you felt nervous at Fred’s silence.

“It’s a shame he can’t use a muggle phone” you muttered to your dad, taking a sip of your tea “I’d be able to hear his voice if he did.”

You started to bite at your nails whilst your legs couldn’t stop shaking “I bet his owls bloody snuffed it” you muttered again “he’s not replied to any of my letters, he must not be receiving them.”

Your parents exchanged a worried glance and sighed, your mental state crumpling even further. Recently, you were caught writing to Fred over and over again, asking how Harry was, how the war was going and if he’s okay, telling him you loved him. Your parents would tell you they would send the letters, but didn’t - Fred was dead and wouldn’t be coming back.

Even when they told you over and over again, within hours you would be back to writing those letters and talking about him in present tense.

Luckily George (and Arthur) finally learned how to use a muggle phone. Your parents decided to tell the Weasley family the truth, Molly, Arthur and George were heartbroken. George would ring up weekly to see how he could help and for updates on your condition.

“George she’s getting worse, we think she’ll stay where she is but she doesn’t she just goes further and further into madness.” Your mother said down the phone.

George sighed on the other end “I’m sorry-”

In the background George could hear you calling out in a panic “Dad! Dad! Where is Fred? he should be back by now and he isn’t here!” you began to cry.

“She’s like this as soon as the sun sets, every single day.” Your mother told George.

“I’ll be round in the morning” George replied.

I've never felt this way before Everything that I do Reminds me of you And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor And they smell just like you I love the things that you do

Rocking in your chair you looked around the room, feeling the same nausea as usual, waiting for Fred to return home. In your lap was one of his jumpers Molly made him one Christmas, you would wear it all the time, and if you got too hot you’d clutch to it like a toddler with a blanket.

Hearing the door open, which was incredibly unusual in your house you got up to your feet, your mouth dropping wide open when Fred, now with much longer hair came walking inside.

Your parents were hoping George’s visit would help break away at the cloudiness in your brain, but all they did was make it worse.

“Freddie!” You squealed out, running over and wrapping your arms around him “You’re finally home!” 

You noticed behind his hair, he was missing an ear, but your overwhelming happiness of finally being reunited with him distracted you from asking questions. 

George could feel his heart ache and his stomach drop, realising how much worse his visit would impact you. You got on your tip toes as you always did and placed a long and loving kiss onto his lips. 

You furrowed your eyebrows at who you thought was Fred, George couldn’t bring himself to kiss you back, he felt cruel for doing this, but your parents had never seen you so calm and so happy in almost two years.

George looked at your parents for a moment and decided to try, he sighed and shook his head, not wanting to lie to you.

“I’m not Fred, I’m George.”

When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now?

You let out a laugh “You need to come back from war with more than longer hair and a missing ear to try and trick me.” 

“Fred died, Y/N. He was killed in an explosion.” George told the truth.

You shook your head in disbelief “No? You’re right in front of me.” you replied “I know you like your laughs and jokes Fred, but that’s not something to joke about, George should know better too for putting you up to this.”

You walked into the kitchen forgetting what you went in there for and walked back into the living room, taking a seat.

Your mother burst into tears and walked out of the room, your father following her to give comfort. You stared at them, not understanding why they hadn’t welcomed your boyfriend back into warm open arms.

George knew that no matter how hard he tried he wouldn’t be able to get you to see the truth - you couldn’t no matter what, they were living in your world now. George sighed, almost kicking himself for what he was about to do.

“I’m only joking, I am Fred.” 

When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear To always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you 

Waking up from your nap you jolted up and noticed the darkness through the window outside, feeling the panic brew inside your tummy you started to worry.

“It’s okay I’m here.” George, playing Fred, patted your shoulders, walking around your chair.

He was carrying a bowl of soup in his hands nice and warm, just for you. 

Your parents and George were taking you care of you full time now, George had been living as your pretend boyfriend for just over seven years now and his heart broke even more as your state worsened.

You couldn’t feed yourself, wash yourself, get your self dressed or brush your hair. You couldn’t communicate through speech properly either, you would instead pull faces, point or stare into the same four walls, and every day was exactly the same; waiting for Fred to come home, being nervous, overjoyed when you’d see him, in distress when George would leave the room or when your parents would take over his shift.

You smiled at Fred, as he blew on the soup filled spoon, making you drink it. It took you ages just to finish eating and drinking, it was hard to simply exist, but staring into those beautiful eyes you never thought you’d see again calmed the storms that distressed your seas and damaged your boats.

George finished buttoning up your pyjama shirt and got you to lay down in your bed, he sat beside you and stroked your hair until your eyes fluttered shut. Once he knew you were dreaming far away from home, he stood up and met your parents downstairs.

“George, our daughter... well you know all of this is no good, not getting better.” Your father tried his best to explain, swallowing the great big lump in his throat.

Your mother took over “What we’re trying to say George, is that, we’re looking to place Y/N in a twenty four hour care facility. She cannot speak, she cannot look after herself, she’s incredible vulnerable and she’ll be getting the care she needs - you’ll be able to get your life back.”

We were made for each other Out here forever I know we were Yeah, yeah And all I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I do, I give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me Yeah

Today was your 40th birthday, twenty whole years since Fred died along with a part of yourself no one would ever see again. 

Now due to your bedbound state, you were laid in bed and the care assistant next to you got out your photo albums from all of your years at Hogwarts. She adjusted the height and position of the bed with her wand, making you more comfortable. 

Placing the photo albums on your lap she took you through them one by one, the memories flashing before you like a movie reel as you watched the photos move.

The twins on the train going home after their first year at Hogwarts, Fred flying on his broom during Quidditch. Fred and you on your first date in Hogsmeade, him dancing around the tent with a giant shamrock painted on his face, the two of you pulling faces and giggling in the kitchen at the burrow, Fred proudly standing in front of his shop, the two of you in your house just before he left for the war.

The care assistant pulled out the letters he had written to you over the years on your birthday, placing them in front of you to read. Despite his death - absence - from your life, you could still hear his voice as clear as day, making re-reading these letters all the more special.

When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missin' you When you're gone The face I came to know is missin', too When you're gone The words I need to hear Will always get me through the day And make it okay I miss you

Overtime, your muscles weakened and so did your organs, and unfortunately this years cold, flu, and sickness season didn’t go easy on you. The whole facility lost many residents this time of the year but none as young as you.

Your parents who would much rather be grandparents sporting perfect silver hair and wrinkles were notified of your deterioration, being told that now would be the time to come and say goodbye. Your parents notified George and he left his wife and children at home, coming to visit you.

In a deep sleep you could hear your parents talking but couldn’t quite make out what they were staying, you didn’t have the strength to open your eyes either. After struggling to leave the room, George finally switched over from them and sat in the chair next to you, taking a hold on your hand.

When going through the room he and his brother shared, he stumbled across a letter Fred had written but never sent in one of the pockets of the last coat he had ever worn. George brought it with him after reading it, knowing it would help you reach the reality with Fred you yearned for.

My Dearest Y/N,

I’m sorry that I had to go and leave you behind, but don’t be scared, don’t worry about me, my love. You are strong and you are brave, no matter what happens - I promise we’ll meet again. Just keep those beautiful eyes of yours set on the horizon, and when the time is right, we’ll know where to meet again. 

George felt your grip on his hand tighten, tears rolled down his face.

I know it’s not been easy and I know that it’s been calm, but we’ll have forever together and we’ll be away from harm. So keep on smiling and searching beautiful, the adventure is not so far away.

Love Always, Fred.

Letting go of the weight on your shoulders, you stumbled through the forest, feeling the sun beam on your skin. Following the chatty Magpie you stopped in your tracks, your whole world standing right in front of you.

“You got my letter?” Fred asked, who had aged like fine wine.

You grinned widely and nodded, tears forming in your eyes and ran into his open arms. 

“I missed you.”